#but experiencing it myself really sucks
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the overall lack of feedback is actually so disheartening so imma ask it:
#the thing is#i might continue on ao3 but not here#cause i have to do a lot of html formatting on ao3 which is time consuming and lots of work#if you’ve worked with code you know how finicky coding can be#but i get a lot of feedback on ao3 and it’s quite encouraging to know that people are still enjoying my work on ao3#cause of all the comments#but here it’s like the only replies are people who ask to be added to the taglist and then just like each per#which is fine i guess. you don’t owe me anything#but making these fake tweets takes so much time#and i have to make sure i don’t mess it up at any point along the way#and then formatting and tagging and linking the posts all together and ensuring the links all work#just to get like 1-2 replies 23 reblogs that have no comments attached maybe 3 or so reblogs with comments that remind me why i actually#share my writings#and then like 300 likes#i’ve seen so many other writers talk about how ridiculous the likes to reblog ratio is#especially because i have secondary account purely for reblogging fics#but experiencing it myself really sucks#anyways#please vote#poll
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hehe~~ i am soooooo sleepy and tired right now :3 i’m all cuddled up in all my blankets🥰 so warm and comfy hehe…..oh and also my past is haunting me😐
#girl help i tried to go to sleep but remembered the Anger™️#experienced a Situation recently that i have been very bravely and sexily ignoring#and - literally WHO would have known - ignoring it is not making it better lol#so now i lay down all comfy to sleep and my brain is just like: the thing😦#and then i gotta stay AWAKE😒 so i can distract myself from the thing#until im tired enough to sleep BEFORE my brain remembers the thing#smh#it sucks#also im good mostly!#it’s just hitting me worse rn because my period always puts my emotions out of whack😪#but im getting proper sleep and everything#and hope to take action to lessen the impact of the thing soon it just takes time ya know#like sometimes things ARE going to hurt you and bother you for a while#and that’s just how it is#but life will move on eventually and good things will come to steal some of the space those bad things take up#just gotta be patient😪#sorry for my nonsense rambles again#i just found it really funny#because tonight i really was legitimately more annoyed by the disruption to my sleep than i was about the life changing situation lol#sleep is my number one priority at any given moment fr#to be fair though i WAS so comfy and tired from cramps and really looking forward to sleep#so i think i was justified😤😤
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And the kiss! (in addition to this)
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I'm not tagging this because the tags are just me rambling about my thoughts on what a says here. I guess it could be t/w/c critical? But barely I think lol.
#i was gonna put it on the same post as the other#but it didn't fit#and i'm going to ramble a bit in these tags#i still don't know how i feel about this scene#the kiss itself? love it#i don't think a is above sharing a ~moment~#but the “i cannot allow you to fall in love with me” is...huh?#why would you say that? what kind of sense does that make?💀#the thing that solidified my confusion at having a say that was the scene with the detective's bff - specifically if it's n#a will tell n this:#“but love…it is a weakness in my armour. i cannot allow that. if someone were to find that weakness and exploit it...”#“you know I have experienced that once already.”#and THAT makes sense#a's desire to be a knight is what shifted their duties to their sister#and a's love for her - for their family - is what feuled them into challenging the lord who then kills them all#so a repressing their emotions and being almost fearful of their love for the detective and their desire to be with them#makes sense as the reason why a pushes the detective away#so wouldn't saying “i cannot allow myself to fall in love with you” align with that more?#during my first read of b3 i thought it was a typo lol#but then i saw that there's an option where the detective can say “this is just flirting and what comes next would just be a kiss”#thats paraphrasing of course#but yeah the detective can basically go “its not that deep”💀#so a saying that was on purpose and i don't really understand why#i mean obviously they think they aren't worthy of the detective's love#but idk man it just feels weird to me😭#i'm adjusting it in my mind ngl otherwise zuri would back way off#because she isn't quite there yet lmao she knows she has feelings but she isn't calling it love rn#her response would just be her on the defense and deflecting and downplaying#which sucks because she's completely down for a moment at that point#it hurts more than she expects but she's down because she also thinks he shouldn't fall in love with her
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LIKE!!!!!! BEING TRANSGENDER BEING QUEER IN ANY WAY ISN'T HARMFUL BEHAVIOR!!!!!!! IT'S LITERALLY NOT EVEN A BEHAVIOR!!!!! IT'S JUST A THING THAT YOU ARE!!!!!! And SOMETIMES. You act accordingly! You may change your name and pronouns! You may seek HRT! You may look into surgery! You may only do a few of those things or any combination of those things (or maybe even none?!), whichever works for you and your sense of self-actualization. BUT. Doing ANY of those things. Is NOT HARMFUL BEHAVIOR!!!!!!!!!!! And in the sexuality department! If you have "same sex attraction" as they like to call it. Also not even a behavior. It's just a thing you Feel. But of course you gotta moralize Feelings, too. Forget about it!!!!! And if you Act on it. That's still not harmful. Who are you harming? Giving a little kissie to your same gendered homie???? Or getting handsy????? But on God. Do not get me started. My MAIN POINT. Is that there is literally no harm. There is nothing to correct here. There is nothing to fix here. Except for the hatred in your heart!!!!!! Your fear of the unknown!!!!!!!! WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GIVE ME ONGOING EVERLASTING TRAUMA OVER THIS THIS IS FUCKING STUPID‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️
#SAME LOGIC CAM BE APLLIED TO AUTISM. AUTISM ITSELF IS NOT A BEHAVIOR.#but bestie i know i do not have the fucking words or capacity to get into it. i'm so sorry#i feel like. there's such a difference. for me personally. and i think it's entirely rooted in the time periods#i experienced each trauma/how long it's lived in me. like yeah homophobia/transphobia sucks ass#and can really fuck w me esp on a bad day. but most times i can move through it and articulate it#bc i was like. 15. i probably knew around 13. but i do feel like the brunt of it started at 15#the autism. i. internalized that i was a bad kid as soon as i was in kindergarten.#i internalized that i was a freak in 3rd grade.#i've had to work through SO much internaized ableism. as a previously high masking autistic individual.#my entire life i've felt like i've had to correct myself. and when the queerness became apparent#everyone made it their fucking job to correct me too.#THE APP. CRASHED. MID RANT. the power... of my rage.....#but like i was GONNA add. another key difference actually is i literally never understood Why#queerness in any form was 'bad' or sinful. like. straight up just never fucking got it.#like... why is it uniquely sinister.... for me (presumably something of a girl as it was understood at the time) to also like girls...#idk i just never fucking understood why it was such a fuckinh problem. why i 'should' have felt bad for it.#literally... who gives a shit....... and also??? women are people? just like guys? and what if i like her. what then.#idk arbitrary rules and autism don't really mix.#i have no greater point btw. it was probably Something about how
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but also can we talk about how I, star student who happens to be marginalized, have had so much trouble keeping a B in this one (1) teacher’s class and nowhere else bc he can’t treat me right? How I was so stressed going in there every day and didn’t feel comfortable asking for help? bc that’s just an example of a systemic issue when so many people are Like This
#the adas speak#i’m really lucky that most of my teachers have been chill throughout my life. esp with the places i was#systemically speaking i think The Policies that have been instated to make my life like this are good progress#like. anti-discrimination policies. DEI policies. gifted programs that are still problematic but based on numbers not (just) favoritism#but i know if i had less overbearing parents or less of my own determination or teachers like this more often#i wouldn’t be here today. and those are still the circumstances for so many bright kids. and that sucks ass#it’s like. the only way I managed to get where I got is with help and support#and when no one wants to help you and you don’t feel supported it’s a real problem#anyways not to make me experiencing bigotry about bigotry. but i do have thoughts sometimes#like. the individual is not the system but the system is one of individuals#it seems minor when it’s one person doing a few things. but when every person is one person doing a few things that’s a lot of people/thing#and i really do understand that not everyone’s in the headspace to get all their shit together on every topic. i myself have trouble#it’s ultimately of a problem that’s bigger than those indiviuals. almost like… something systemic#which doesn’t mean you don’t have the responsibility to get your shit together. but like. your oxygen mask before others’ and such
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yk now that the emotions have worn off, i realized this AM in therapy just how much progress ive made with my ability to regulate my feelings & emotions so im actually able to like.... Have healthy relationships where i can communicate and not drown in the experience of being known and knowing others and know how to better handle myself when i do get in these really scary yucky periods and how they're shorter and even when i do have conflict those are less devastating long term (even when they are Devastating) and then i just looked over at the sidebar on desktop for this site and saw that i have been so much MORE social than i used to be (like Net Social not day-to-day social) b/c I saw the like 15 chat heads that were collapsed to the side bc im no longer scared of reaching out first as much and i dont feel as much anxiety about randomly messaging even if i forget to respond and i just. i dont really know what the point of this is other than to say im really proud of myself. im really happy that im finally becoming something like a person. im so happy im finally at a place in my life where even when im drowning or stressed or whatever i can stop and get some perspective.
#ive been grieving a LOT this year bc im in that point where i really need to reassess WHO im friends with#and ive experienced a lot of change this year bc like. i am no longer someone who can be fucked with like nothing#i am someone who will take the time i need and honor the space i need and care for myself in my time no matter how angry others may get at#me for being disabled in these ways and like. its sucked! it has sucked! it has sucked major fucking ass having to reassess like this and#learn when to STOP bc i am hurting myself and learn how to stay connected while feeling my feelings the way i do and like. im not perfect.#im not better than anyone. im not like Out of this World Good. its been shitty and painful and ive had to learn how to be ok with casually#engaging in things but its happening and im just. yeah. idk#big rambles#ok now to go keep handling things at work
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worst thing about being disabled is that now I am fully and completely aware of exactly how much I am worth to everyone I know. And it is not a lot!!
#like. it gets to me. A lot of the time it’s ohhh your life is priceless and. Well. Okay I did just see you put a price on it though.#like. It’s not always blatant but the laziness comments get to me. The stupid comments get to me. The money comments also get to me.#Either all life is precious or I am a drain on society. you cannot have both.#Why is my life worth less than twenty dollars. Better yet why are YOU gambling with MY life. wear your FUCKING masks.#like I’m usually fine bc I simply do not have the capacity for any more shit. I am existing in less dimensions than most ppl and Not Aware#And then when I am better I experience two entire years of Concentrated Cosmic Horror before I fold back down into being two dimensional#Cosmic horror? Eldritch horror? I DONT ACTUALLY KNOW. what I do know is that I straight up Do Not believe in the soul anymore bc of this!#like I’m horrified!! It is literally horrifying. If I still had all of me I could write some deeply fucked up metaphor but rn what I’ve got#Is like. okay so I’m supposed to be like. A galaxy on the inside folded into a person shape. Right#there’s stuff happening in there. three to five trains of thought at once etc. etc. and that is not what I have anymore. what I have now is#like. One planet and a white dwarf. not even a neutron star. And everything else went out so gradually that I didn’t really notice but#I woke up one morning and it’s not there and then I got into the habit of not looking up bc that’s a lot of work and I have to keep paintin#galaxies on the ash of this stupid little planet. And then I experience random bandaid treatment and Have The Knowledge again and.#I get to experience Plato’s allegory of the cave in REAL TIME and involuntarily!!#It really does suck that the only time I am able to comprehend the magnitude of my loss is when I’m not experiencing it!! bad times!!#I’m tired of being agreeable. Wear masks. Petition for air purifiers in public spaces. Or I start biting for real#if you notice I’m dealing with long covid a. BADLY. you’re right!! Gold fucking star! I challenge ANYONE to deal with The Bullshit actually#I’m not going to let myself be martyred for the fucking. Economy. Bull FUCKING shit.
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for real though that post is so true on the love front i think about it all the time like why is everyone so LOVELESS not even just in like cishetero marriages where they hate each other just in general like platonic too. it drives me craaazy when im exposed to it like why are ppl like this !! why dont you love your friends and partner!! its like everything is a social game that theyre playing just for validation and lacking real connection and its a game where theyre always about 2 steps away from being bitter and hateful towards their friends/lover like STOOOOP! im someone who values love and kindness so much and it baffles me. why do you hate your partner! why do you talk about them like theyre an object of validation! why are you dating someone you clearly dislike! why are u so mean to ur friends behind their backs im cryin. why do you up and abandon them the second you get a partner bc you dont value them over the romantic validation you get. ive always been such an affectionate person at heart and i value what my friends say so much and i always find myself feeling so distant from people in relationships because they just feel?? so shallow?? and distant from me. like i think oh this preson gets me but theres ppl who say the same things how they value kindness and love but its always like, immediately clear they are actually a deeply mean person and just enjoy feeling like theyre 'good'. the way society functions with relationships feels so intensely shallow and i cannot connect to it at all. i love my friends and i love people and i always want to understand them and reach out with compassion and be close to them physically and emotionally speaking and talk a lot and listen to them. however im cursed to live in a world of 1 word responses if any at all and shallow relationships where no one gaf about each other and then i get told i talk too much. hello? *tapping mic* hello? is this thing on? be filled with whimsy and love going forward please. anyway does anyone else feel this way or is it just me feel free to talk about it if youd like
#thank god i finally found some friends who are like this too it was so rough before#it sucks tho bc ive been so tired lately its hard for me to live up to this#which i dont hate myself for its valid its just like waaah i wanna have the energy to really put my all in friendships again#for half my life my biggest want and goal in life has been to be someone approachable and who seems kind#even to people with anxiety and i think growing up with anxiety greatly shaped that#i value being kind and compassionate and understanding to such a degree that i spent and still spend time actively working#towards that goal and unlearning being judgemental and bitter#bc i want to be kind so badly and to put kindness in the world...#no but seirously why do people date ppl they dont like#wym you guys arent so unabashedly in love that you practically see hearts thinking of them#wym your entire chest doesnt fill with joy and the simple prospect of them experiencing lifes small joys no matter how little and mundane#to love so wholly that you strive to be a good person not out of guilt or feeling like you are bad but because you desire so deeply to be#good for them and put as much goodness in their life as you can because its what they deserve...💙💙#ANYWAY LMFAO! im sappy asf as a person sorry everyone but also not sorry#pers
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The Covid feeling of having a burning knife in my throat versus the ADHD urge to chatter and exclaim incessantly to myself like a parrot—fight!!!
#kidk says stuff#I’m so mad I finally got miss rona after three and a half FUCKING years of Doing Everything Right#some unmasked jagoff gave it to my brother and he brought it home to mom who gave it to me before any of us knew bro was even sick#like!!! I mask ALL THE TIME outside my home and my parents’ home!!!#I wear it at events I wear it to every single store I wear it at work I wear it at stuff that’s OUTDOORS for chrissake#and I’m quadvaxxed! I have an appointment for the latest booster! uggghhhhhhh#((honestly? I’m experiencing a level of Sick that I can easily handle. I have a slight fever and I’m coughing and my throat sucks BUT))#((I am not bedridden. so I know it really could be a LOT WORSE. but I’m still mad. about it.))#((tbh I’m more upset for my mom than for myself.))
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ugh. once again. shut the fuck up
#not three posts into scrolling and there's people fighting again. i am genuinely reaching the end of my rope#and i've never been driven away from fandom before. not even in the spn trenches. maybe i curated my dash better before than i do now??#but i just. god idk it's very disappointing#that whenever i seemingly find cool blogs to follow that don't seem to involve themselves in petty self-righteous better-than-thou drama#at some point they end up. bringing the disk horse along#i am tired. and frustrated. can't we go a day without. the mess. please#like i don't even involve myself in any of that and yet i'm still subjected to it it's annoying!!!#it's not in the fun way that you sometimes get the chance to see a fandom lighting up on fire#because this isn't everyone experiencing a big event and going crazy abt it together. this is just infighting. which plainly sucks#sorry i've complained about this twice this week now it's just really bugging me#(and yeah i know. there's a block and unfollow button. i just wish things were fundamentally different so i didn't have to use it so often)#i'm here to like and reblog and interact. not to spend half my time on the site sniping blogs
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despite the current state of things, good things have in fact happened. if they’ve happened in the past, they can and they will happen again.
#today has been rough#really rough#but good things have happened#and i really need to focus on the good things and the joy i’ve experienced#and not let myself get bogged down in all of these negative thoughts#i was reading a fic where two characters had their first kiss#and bc of my mental state i was immediately like well doesn’t it fucking suck that my first kiss was ruined#bc the guy it was with was horrible to me after#except that’s not true!!!!!! that’s not true!!!!! it’s not and i can’t let myself think like that#i had an incredible first kiss#it doesn’t matter what happened after it was a good thing#and i do that all the time like i can’t ever let myself acknowledge the good things bc idk ig i think somehow it might invalidate the bad#and that’s a horrible habit#anyways maybe the tags should be on priv but i do think if i needed the reminder maybe other people do too#reminders#personal
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well folks its been a good two months of denial but i am finally ready to admit that the reason everything sucks is because of major depression relapse. if i werent so depressed id make this everyone elses problem by projecting it on to blorbo but alas
#taylor.txt#incapable of making this not a joke but i do have to say it kinda sucks#like obviously ive never been 100% free of my depression probably on account of it developing when i was a Child and then not getting any#treatment or even really any sympathy for until i was in my late teens but. BUT. even my historic mental breakdown 2 years ago didnt really#feel like depression. like yeah i was sad and hopeless but this is very different. sad and lethargic more so. simply too tired to be lost i#despair. which is i guess a good thing because it means its easier for me to fix. its just that right now im kinda stuck in it#i dont know if id say ive experienced major depression since my first year of uni#thats why ive been denying it all this time despite it being pretty…glaringly obvious#anyway. good news is im meeting with the prof of one of the classes im currently failing this week#and now i guess i kind of have an idea of what to tell her because all this time ive been struggling and i havent understood why#the content makes sense. i understand whats going on. but my memory has gotten so bad recently and the energy required to do my assignments#has been way too much. and im past my limit on that at this point unfortunately. like yeah shes probably gonna tell me well that sucks but#theres nothing i can do to save your grade and thats fine but at least i know even if it was a Me Problem that i let myself get depressed#again in the first place being actively depressed is a major barrier that i at least know isnt 100% me being an idiot with a bad attitude#i will struggle to the finish line but i will make it there. even if i fail a class or two in the process#and regardless of if it gets better i will finally go see my therapist again in the new year </3 something obviously led to this so whos to#say it wouldnt happen again if i just let that fester. whatever it is#also writing has been tough for the same reason school has been tough but its still happening and i will do more of it when school is over#i PROMMY
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want to pick apart my brain in middle school. why did i think i was a manipulator and a predator for having a crush on my best friend and not telling her. what was wrong with me
#when i talk about how my first crush sucked i feel like people assumed it was due to internalized homophobia but i never really had that#instead i had a weird unique thing no on else seems to have experienced that made me hate myself instead#zia.og#zia.txt#yes i'm oversharing on the internet again i am just confused and cannot find answers online
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please remember that 2024 was an exceptionally depressing year
#kay guys what did this wonderful splendid year entail#well i ran away from “home” for the first time marking a turning point in my outward behaviour#i went through like 5 “ultimate lows” and spent several weeks apart from each other in a deep depression accomplishing nothing#i came back to explore the land of my childhood for the final time and experienced a soul sucking haunting like never b4#i realised towards the end of the year that i did in fact lose one more person i apparently cared about far more than i ever realised#my mistakes haunting me in. u guessed it ways never before 👐#ive speedrun therapy and it really sucks and is lowkey making me worse#im more unsure of myself and who i am than ever#january; group projects; may 4; weight gain and loss; a short-lived failed friendship; extreme uncertainty; dastardly (beautiful) november
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I think. I may have fluctuating/conditional empathy.
#2024. the year of learning things about myself.#on accident.#because of my tumblr mutuals posting about something#something i ALREADY KNEW ABOUT#but when i looked closer into it i went HEY. WAIT. THAT'S. NO. WHY IS THAT ME.#I am still fucking coming to terms with being arospec. why do i have to learn more things about myself#NO MORE THINGS PLEASE! I HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS.#TOO MANY.#I'm also realizing that i generally do not feel affective/emotional empathy at all.#i definitely occasionally feel cognitive empathy#and i definitely feel compassionate empathy more frequently (still not all the time)#it's very all over the place#sometimes i feel it sometimes i don't.#which kind of. sucks??#because i want to have empathy very obviously. i want to care#and often i feel sympathy#but like. sometimes i just do not care#or i can't understand#and i don't want to be mean it's just i don't know... what to do i guess#i can logically understand WHY someone would feel a certain way USUALLY (sometimes i can't if i haven't experienced it myself)#but i don't feel the same way that they do really#this also goes for positive emotions#i often can see WHY someone would be happy about something#sometimes i can feel happy that someone else is happy#(usually when i have a part in that happiness.)#but most of the time i do not necessarily feel someone else's happiness abouy something#I'm so confused i didn't know that was a normal thing
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cursed me
#ok me n the councilor have planned no-schoolwork days to manage my stress and force days off. good!!! very nice and necessary.#but.#i am currently luckily not really experiencing the stress(tm) and i want to get something done on school.#except i have work in an hour.#so i wanted to do it tomorrow. but tomorrow is the day-off.#and now. despite not feeling stressed and the fact that i actually want to do the work. i have to take 'future me' in account.#grumpgrumpgrump#sillyposting#i should be able to do what i want always and not have consequences. =3=pp#i wont. work on school tomorrow. i want to. but i wont.#and that sucks.#bc its not like this is really time sensitive. its just something i feel like i have to do (i do) so i have to do it asap (i dont)#weve been really trying to tackle the high expectations i hold for myself and. man theyve got hands.#what do you mean.... what do you mean i cant..............#gurmpgrump.#anyway..... sea tomorrow. i am excited.#its like only an hour travel im very lucky yayy
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