#but everyone else is super cool apparently which is boring if I’m being honest

[couslande]

the thing is by making everything equal and cool and peace and love on planet thedas when it comes to the world building re gender roles and sexuality etc thedas’ societies are just so bland to me

[storiesforallfandoms]

we’re too stupid ~ the vlog squad

word count: 1885

request?: yes!

@iawaythrown​  “May I ask for a vlog squad x popular youtube reader

The reader has their own very popular youtube channel/podcast like a scientific/space podcast. (Like a Vsauce\GameTheory channel) The vlog squad and the reader fan base (somehow) always wants them to collab. One day David says "It won't happen because the reader probably doesn't like us." This ends up getting everyone on the podcast.”

description: when their favorite youtubers show interest in being on their podcast, they jump at the chance to invite them on

pairing: vlog squad x gender neutral!reader

warnings: swearing

masterlist (one, two)

“You know what I’ve been listening to a lot lately?” Scotty asked David on the newest vlog David had uploaded. You were watching the vlog on your TV while you prepared to upload the newest episode of your podcast. You had a drink half raised to your lips when Scott responded to his own question, “The Spaced Out podcast.”

Your drink nearly slipped from your hand at the mention of your podcast. You were sure you had imagined it, so you went back and repeated the part just to be sure. The name of your podcast slipped from Scott’s lips again and you had to pause the video to scream with excitement.

When you placed the video again, David spoke next. “Oh wait, is that the one about space and shit? You played it for me before.”

“Yeah! Man, it’s so interesting. I could honestly listen to the host talk about space all day,” Scott said.

“He keeps bringing it up during the Scottcast, too,” Jeff commented. “I’m starting to think he’d rather co-host that podcast instead of our own.”

“Man, I’d love to be on that podcast!”

You could hardly contain your excitement. Your favorite YouTubers knew who you were?! They knew your podcast?! You had to be dreaming, you were sure of it.

“There’s no way they’d ever have us on the podcast,” David was saying. “We’re too stupid and immature, they’d probably hate us.”

“Speak for yourself!” Zane, dressed in some weird costume for a bit, called, causing the boys to laugh together.

This gave you an idea. You put your laptop aside and opened Instagram on your phone. You searched the name “David Dobrik” and went to his DMs.

~~~~~~

A week later, your podcasting room was filled with 11 extra people than there normally was. The room was only small with a handful of seats, so a lot of your guests were squeezed in together or basically sat on one another. No one seemed to mind, though. Every single person in the room was super excited to be there.

“What’s up all my space geeks? Welcome back to another episode of The Spaced Out podcast, the podcast where we discuss super nerdy space things,” you started with your usual intro. “Today’s episode is a little different, though, as today I am joined by not one, not two, not even three, but eleven special guests. You heard me right, eleven. Special guests, wanna say hi?”

All eleven of your guests rang out with a chorus of, “Hello!”s at the one time, making it all come out as just a shouting mess. You laughed and waved a hand to silence them.

“In case you had trouble understanding what they were saying,” you said, “my guests today are David, Scotty, Toddy, Zane, Erin, Carly, Natalie, Heath, Mariah, Corinna, and Jeff, better known as a large chunk of YouTube’s biggest vlogging group: The Vlog Squad!”

The Vlog Squad cheered at their introduction as you just clapped your hands.

“Can I just say,” Heath said once the noise started to die down, “that I am impressed with how fast you said our names and how easy it was. You didn’t even stutter once.”

“I’ll be honest, when David told me exactly who was coming I prepared myself for this,” you admitted. “I’ve never had so many guests on the show before. Actually, I don’t know if I’ve ever had any guests at all. I don’t really know anyone in my real life that’s as interested in space and science as I am.”

“To be fair, none of us are, either,” Jeff joked, causing the room to laugh.

“Yeah, you picked the wrong people to be on your podcast,” Corinna added.

“You don’t have to have any sort of interest to be on the podcast, really. As long as you don’t mind me talking about my nerdy space obsession every now and then anyone is welcome on the podcast.”

Your heart was beating so fast you were sure everyone else could hear it. You were shocked that you were managing to remain so calm in that moment. Your favorite YouTubers were sitting right there in front of you, being guests on your podcast, and somehow you were acting as though they were just friends that you had convinced to come on the podcast.

“Is there any cool space facts you can share with us to get the ball rolling?” David asked.

“Dude, I’ve made over 300 episodes of this podcast that is literally all about space, you gotta narrow down your parameters there,” you told him.

“What’s your favorite space fact then?”

You thought for a moment, going through all the little facts you had in your mind. There was so much you could share with them that you really didn’t know where to start.

“Okay,” you said finally, “I have one. I think David will like this cause we all know he’s made of money: there is a planet that is called 55 Cancri e. It is over twice the size of Earth and it is potentially made of diamonds.”

They all gasped and made comments of astonishment at the same time at this.

“Like, literally made of diamonds?” Corinna asked.

“It’s hard to know for sure. It’s roughly 41 lightyears away so it’s not exactly easy to reach, but they think it’s made of graphite and diamonds,” you explained. “My favorite fact, and one that’s a little scary, is that it’s actually completely silent in space. Like not a single sound, because atmospheres around planets are what contain the soundwaves to make noise.”

“I told you,” David said, turning to face Scott. “We’re too stupid to be on this podcast.”

You all laughed together. “You guys aren’t stupid! I was just fascinated with space as a child and my parents let me feed into that fascination. They always bought me books about space and brought me to visit certain space centers. I was that kid that always said she was gonna grow up and be an astronaut. Instead, I just talk about them on the internet.”

Everything was going so well. You were getting to know your guests and they kept urging you to tell them facts and stories about space. You knew a lot of what you were telling them you had talked about on the podcast before, so devoted listeners probably wouldn’t be too interested in a lot of what you had to say in that episode, but you didn’t mind too much. You just loved to see the looks of astonishment on everyone’s faces as you continued to tell them fact after fact.

When you came to a segment you did in the podcast in which you would read messages from fans, you decided to your guests choose which messages to read and respond to. David took the tablet you used for this first and read through the thousands of messages you received between uploading your most recent episode and recording the current one.

“Are you going to talk about the new 4K pictures of Mars?” he read.

“Oh my God, yes!” you responded. “That will be next episode. I haven’t looked at them all yet because I wanna have a live reaction to them, but I did see one picture and it looks absolutely stunning.”

“It blew my mind how it just looked like a desert here,” Carly commented. “Mars is a lot more like Earth than we think. Sucks that we’ll never be able to live there or anything.”

“I don’t think we’ll never be able to live there, but I don’t think it’ll happen in our lifetimes,” you commented. “But that’s a whole other thing, let’s move on from that.”

“What has been your favorite space related story of the past year?” Natalie read the message she had picked.

“I don’t know if it’s my favorite, but it’s definitely one that I was very interested in reading: a star just vanished in 2020,” you responded. “Apparently that’s something that can just happen, stars can just suddenly disappear and no one knows where they went. This star from the Kinman dwarf galaxy that shined almost brighter than the sun just vanished between 2011 and 2020, and they have no explanation for it. That story stuck with me the most cause I just find it funny that a star that bright just vanished and no one can figure out where it went.”

They continued reading you messages for a while before passing your tablet back to you.

“While I wish I could sit here with you guys and talk about space and your vlogs forever, unfortunately we are running out of time,” you said. “I want to thank the Vlog Squad again for joining me on this episode, and I hope I didn’t bore you guys to death with my stories and facts.”

“Not at all!” David spoke. “I can’t speak for everyone, but I really enjoyed myself. Listening to you talk was really interesting.”

The rest of the group agreed. You tried not to blush from all their kind words.

“I always wanna thank our sponsors again. As always I appreciate them supporting my show, and of course I want you guys, the listeners. Your constant support for the show means so much to me. If you wanna hear more fun facts about space that you’ll never use in live, follow me on my social media. If you’re not already following the podcast, follow the podcast! I upload episodes every Friday, and if you want to be involved in the show be sure to send me your space related messages and maybe I’ll read them out on the next episode. Have a good weekend, little space geek out!”

You ended the recording and the group almost cheered for you. You smiled and stood to thank them again for coming on the show. You were shocked when Corinna pulled you into a hug, which caused the rest of the group to hug you one by one.

“This was the most fun I think I’ve ever had,” Erin commented. “Would you be open to having more guests on the show? I’d love to come back and to just listen to you talk for a full hour.”

The rest of the squad agreed. You really didn’t think you could feel any more excited or on cloud nine, but they kept surprising you.

“I would definitely be open to having guests again,” you replied. “If you guys ever wanna be on the show again, just send me a DM. I’d love to have you!”

“We’d love to have you on the vlogs sometime, too, if you’d be open for that,” David told you.

There they go again, making you feel like you had passed cloud nine and now were on a completely different planet with excitement.

“Y-Yeah!” you managed. “Of course, I’d love that!”

After some more small talk, you showed the group out and thanked them again for coming. Once you were sure they were gone and unable to see you, you began jumping for joy and exclaiming with excitement. You couldn’t believe it! You had just hosted a podcast with your favorite people, and they asked you to join them for filming sometime?!

“This is the best day of my life!”

[wisteria-lodge]

bird secondary transitioning from badger secondary model to lion secondary model

so i’m stumped.

at this point my secondary is so burned that bookkeeper badger is the only thing i know how to fall back on, and sometimes it can be nice, but most of the time it’s exhausting. normally i just procrastinate on whatever i have to do because i’m exhausted & burnt out, and i have to force myself to just sit down and work through it because at that point i have no other options.

at the very least it’s a model i got from my dad. he’s always emphasized putting in the work on projects and things, and whenever i would push through a hard day of homework (or just any work i guess) he would tell me that i was “a real trooper” and that he was proud of me. (he’s for sure a badger secondary haha!)

Using your Badger doesn’t sound at all fun. I’ll agree with you here. Model.

i think i’m pretty good at seeing things from other people’s point of view? and i can look at situations and relate to other people, and i do like doing that to some extent.

Good lord, I hope we can all do that, otherwise what am I doing writing about people with different primaries/secondaries than me?

i also have a friend who’s a total courtier badger, and i’m simultaneously envious of how charming is and sometimes a lil creeped out by it? bc i can usually tell when she’s putting on a voice but she also makes it so convincing it sometimes leaves me feeling a little tricked and manipulated… i know she doesn’t mean it that way? but still.

So we have a focus on *authenticity* here. Could be Lion. Could also be Bird, since those are the two Solid secondaries. I don’t talk about the solid/fluid distinction much, but the idea is that Badger and Snake secondaries bounce off their environments, they are literally fluid in the sense that they become the shape of whatever glass they’re in. Solid secondaries are stable, static. You are who you are. You work on your environment, your environment doesn’t work on you. 

i think a large part of it boils down to the question of whether or not i always act the same around everyone, and whether or not this bothers me/how i wish i could act.

That is definitely the question. If you act the same around everyone (or feel weird and sticky when you don’t) that’s Lion. If it’s more ‘this is the face I have designed for these people/this situation,’ that’s Bird. 

i don’t act the same around everyone. there is a certain set of behaviors that i adopt around my close friends, but i have a different set of behaviors for things like class, interacting with professors, or my parents, etc etc. (like for instance, with my friends i act very bubbly/sweet/cutesy. i’m energetic and cheery, at least on a good day. 

So far this sounds like Actor Bird. You’re able to list the behaviors that go with each one of these faces, and that each of these faces have a specific utility & and purpose. (Friends! Parents! Professors!) 

the way i act with my close friends is probably the most “me” i get. but any one of those behavior sets is really only a facet of my personality - some of them are larger facets, or come closer to representing the whole, but i’m not sure that any one of them on its own is truly “me.” i’m not sure i am a set of behaviors. 

The fact that you think of your different “behavior sets” as “facets” instead of outright lies… like you’re not talking about them in any sort of heavy or negative sort of way… is also making me think Actor Bird. 

but sometimes it feels like some of my friends talk about me in a way that makes it seem like that’s the only part of me they see? and that is not all that i am, and it bothers me & makes me feel like they’re stereotyping me a little haha. maybe that’s my fault for acting that way around them so much, but i’m not sure. how i wouldn’t? changing my behavior to show the more business-y side of me i guess would feel like pushing them away.)

It sounds like your social persona needs a little calibrating… but it also sounds like you’re consciously in the process of calibrating it. That still  seems very Bird to me. A Snake or Badger couldn’t go off in the corner and calibrate behavior like that, they’re too influenced by whatever happens to be in front of them. And a Lion secondary… I think a Lion secondary would say that potentially pushing away a friend is an acceptable loss. 

the idea that i could always be myself is very very appealing. would i like to be able to act the same no matter what? to some extent, yeah. i would *love* to always be that comfortable and unafraid. 

Okay. You like Lion secondaries. And yes, they do look cool from the outside. But you’re romanticizing them. Lion secondaries are not always comfortable and unafraid, not even close. The more scared a Lion gets, the more pressure they’re under, the more direct and more “themselves” they become

but it’s not safe or reasonable to always show the more honest/closer/internal facet that my friends get. and i’m not sure i’d want everyone to see all of it? i don’t think i owe everyone i meet every part of me. 

This is not the answer of a Lion. This could be any of the other secondaries, but not a Lion.

(i guess i’d like to be able to integrate certain aspects of my friend persona into my default public persona? like maybe some of the more talkative/outgoing/bubbly parts. i’m generally more quiet in public, usually because i can’t think of things to say. i think i might be getting better at that, but i’m also not wholly there yet.)

more people have seen the way i act with my friends because of how often i’m with my friends in public now. i’m not sure whether that bothers me or not. (i think it might. a little. but not enough to change the way i act around my friends. they matter more than how other people see me.)

This entire ask is about conscious, social calibration. You’d like your friends to take you a little more seriously, and you’d like the people in the rest of your life to see as more talkative and bubby. And making that change is just… a thing that’s on the table, apparently. 

(and that is is not something every secondary can do, it’s super Actor Bird. You’re literally workshopping different parts you play. Also “persona” is a word a lot of Actor birds use.) 

(“I’m quiet because I can’t think of things to say” feels really Bird to me somehow.)

i used to lie a lot, but i’m working on being a more honest person, which means i’m back to being bad at lying. i think it’s stupid to try and waste your time acting in a way to please others. i used to do that when i was younger, and it got me less than no where. i basically learned that someone is going to dislike you no matter what you try, so you might as well say whatever you think. maybe you want them to like you, but they won’t. why bother?

Interesting. We’ve got more conscious social calibration going on, but what you’re describing is a shift from a more people-pleasing Badger-flavored performance (we know you model Badger, you’ve got at least two strong Badger secondaries in your orbit) into a more Lion-flavored one. 

I think I could sum up what you’re written so far as “I’m an Actor Bird who used to model Badger, but I worry that the sweet cutesy side of Badger is making my friends not take my seriously, and the quiet, fade-into-the-background side of Badger is making me boring and not fun in front of authority figures. So, I’ve decided to start building a Lion model, because Lion secondaries are awesome, but it’s still a model-in-progress.) 

i guess i adopted a lion persona/model as a defense mechanism. there’s still something that draws me about the sheer honesty of a lion.

Yep. Here we are.

but i might be pulling that model more from anger/bitterness/hurt than anything else.

I’m truly not getting much anger/bitterness/hurt from your ask. If anything, you seem pretty empowered.  The tone is“I don’t like the way I’m being perceived, but I’m working on changing it.” That doesn’t sound Burnt at all.

If i try to think about telling a lie or intentionally choosing to lie it just doesn’t work. people can always see right through it. 

You don’t lie, you “show different facets.” You’re not an improviser. It’s hard and stressful to come up with a story, or a way to be, on the fly.

i can usually make lies work if i do it instinctively and not think about it

My guess it that when you’re “acting” it fundamentally doesn’t feel like a lie. You’re comfortable in that space, you’re used to it, so of course you’re convincing.

and i’m better at lying to people who aren’t my close friends. 

Everyone is.

but if it has to be instinctive then that means i end up working lies into how i act, and start to lie more than i mean to or for no reason, and i don’t like that :(

Huh. I’m exactly not sure what to make of this, but I think it probably has something to do your Badger secondary model. I mean, you describe Badger secondary as “manipulative” and “tricky.” 

so yeah. those are my thoughts. sorry for the length i guess? i’m not going to call it rambly bc i do think everything i said was important but uh. i wrote it out and then inserted more thoughts into different places so it maybe doesn’t flow as well or coherently as it did in the beginning. sorry about that ^^; hope you’re able to find something useful in all this!

((am i a bird. are you going to come out of this saying “oh haha you’re totally a bird!” bc if you do i might scream *i don’t even know what tools ARE-*))

Tools come in all kinds of shapes, my friend. What makes them tools is the way you prepare them ahead of time. 

[rawr-ily]

A Stupidly Long Bokuto Analysis

CEO of thought dumping and calling glamorized rants “essays”

I already made a character analysis for my kin character (Oikawa) so here’s one for my favorite/ultimate comfort character :)

"The world" is a recurring theme with Bokuto. He has a strange habit of always looking at the bigger picture. By which I mean, he doesn’t really look out for little details. He's simple minded, so he takes things at face value. Tokyo isn't enough for him. Japan isn't enough. Asia isn't enough. He wants the world. He doesn't care if it seems like too much, or if it's unreasonable. He knows what he wants, and he's going to get it.

This is more noticeable in the manga. For example, there's the iconic "No matter what they say, we are the protagonists of the world" . Yes, I know Akaashi is the one the says this line, but it really mainly applies to Bokuto. We know Bokuto has this strange sort of charisma that makes him ridiculously likable to pretty much anyone. Now, I REALLY didn't wanna make this about Akaashi, but it seems like that's actually Furudate's intention. It's almost as though he didn't want to give us direct access to Bokuto's thoughts for most of the series. Instead, how did we get that? Akaashi. Akaashi is the narrator for Bokuto's thoughts. Bokuto is so random, so unique and strange, that it wouldn't make sense for us to have access to his mind. Yes, we get direct thoughts from him time to time, but Akaashi is the one who really tells us most of it. He's there to filter out Bokuto's thoughts because it would be too strange for us to understand. We would never be able to figure out Bokuto because he can't even figure out himself. That's technically Akaashi's "purpose" in the story. I don't mean that in a bad way though. I would explain more, but I wanna keep this about Bokuto as much as possible.

ANYWAY, we can sort of see Akaashi as an "extension" of Bokuto. When Akaashi says "we are the protagonists of the world", he is not talking to himself or the reader. He's talking to Bokuto, because he knows Bokuto wants the world. Another thing about this quote is that he begins with "No matter what they say..." This kind of made me to a double take. Why would someone say they aren't? But then I remembered in the manga, we get a scene of Bokuto running with some classmates. It was probably for a gym class of sorts. It's Bokuto's turn to set the pace for their run, and everybody's upset because he always goes too fast and too overboard. Bokuto doesn't really notice, and he goes forth anyway. However, after a while, he looks back and realizes nobody is running with him anymore.

Sound familiar? Kageyama's teammates left him in the same way Bokuto's did. They couldn't keep up, so they abandoned them. We're more familiar with Kageyama's past, so it's a bit easier to understand Bokuto's if you see that little parallel. I might be reaching a little here, but it's possible that people have told Bokuto that the world doesn't revolve around him in the same way Kageyama was mockingly called a king. It's a common thing said to people like Bokuto, who don't really understand much outside their own head. It's not a bad thing, but many people misinterpret it as arrogance or a disregard for others. Bokuto's charisma apparently didn't work for everyone, considering how annoyed his classmates were; I think it's a possibility that people made some snide remarks.

We also see that Bokuto is actually incredibly desperate for validation. He constantly brags about his amazing talent, always wants people to see the cool things he does, and thrives off compliments. He wants attention, and that's not a bad thing at all. It just means he wants people to acknowledge how great he is, and he feels happy when they do. That's really just scraping the surface of all that quote tells us, but I want to move on to something else.

Another recurring thing about Bokuto is his use of the word "ordinary" It seems that he doesn't really understand what the word means, but I think he knows its meaning better than anyone. Bokuto using the word first stood out to me when Fukurodani player a difficult match against another school in Nationals. I'm not too familiar with the timeline, so correct me if I'm wrong. Bokuto told the rest of Fukurodani that, up until that point, he was "an ace coddled by his team" and now he's ready to be "just an ace". He wants to be an ordinary ace, which seems quite strange. This is Bokuto, and wants to be ordinary?

Bokuto has a different understanding of "ordinary" than most people do. He's simple minded, not stupid. It's not that he doesn't think; he just thinks differently. He's that unique type of person who thinks out of the box by default. When most people think of ordinary, we think of boring, plain, normal. It's been given a negative connotation by most people. Bokuto doesn't listen to connotation.

Remember that he takes things at face value? This is an example. To us, ordinary is boring. To him, it's a goal. Bokuto sees ordinary as what things are supposed to be. He wants to be an ordinary ace. Aces are supposed to be the awesome, powerful stars of the team. Aces are supposed to be the best. He wants to be the best. Therefore, he wants to be an ordinary ace. It took me an embarrassingly long amount of time to fully understand that entire bit, to be honest.

It's actually more clearly stated in one of the last manga chapters after MSBY vs. Schweiden. Akaashi interviews Bokuto for the manga company he works at, and Bokuto tells him that he has become "ordinary". Akaashi is confused and tells Bokuto that he has never been ordinary. Bokuto laughs and makes some remark about how Akaashi didn't realize just how ordinary he's become. We get a little throwback to Akaashi's 0.5 second thought process, and he realizes immediately that Bokuto doesn't use the word "ordinary" like he does. Even more impressive, he seems to also realize exactly what he means by it. Akaashi tells him that he (Akaashi) was mistaken and Bokuto is actually "super ordinary".

THIS PART TOOK ME A GOOD TWENTY MINUTES, AND AKAASHI DID IT IN 0.5 SECONDS. He's the real master at Bokuto analysis. Though Bokuto doesn't get enough serious background, so he's a difficult one to analyze. It's also much harder to put him into words? Again, he's a very unique character. He even has a surprising amount of duality in him. Though we as a fandom perceive him as an optimist, it seems his mood swings often force him into a state of overwhelming pessimism. I actually find it quite funny. It's almost like his left brain and right brain are fighting a battle, and left brain almost loses but summons the strength to momentarily completely overwhelm right brain before it takes back control. I got a very strange visual from that though.

Regardless, it just means I think his mind tries to balance out his naive optimism with intense flashes of pessimism. Bokuto gives his all to EVERYTHING. That's actually sort of an issue for him. If he's happy, he's VERY happy. If he's upset, he's VERY upset. He wants to be the best at all he doesbecause he just wants to have fun. He's not having fun when he loses, so he doesn't want to lose. It's so simple, but it's strangely inspiring. It's the straightforward answer to Tsukishima's question. Why do we push ourselves to be the best when we know there is no such thing? What motivates us? Our desire to win. What makes us want to win? Our desire to win is fueled by hatred for losing. Why don't we want to lose? We don't want to lose because it's not fun. Why isn't it fun? It just isn't. Bokuto doesn't try to dig for those answers. After all, why is anything the way it is? What does it matter? He doesn't care as long as he's enjoying himself.

I suppose that's one of the nice parts of being so simple minded. He's able to enjoy life to the fullest because he doesn't want to focus on things he doesn't like. That means his future character growth will be about having to do things he doesn't like because that's a part of life. It'll actually be quite sad to watch Bokuto grow up. What he needs to do is find a balance for all the duality in him so he doesn't need to give up his childishness or force out his mature side. If he can find a balance, it just means he'll be able to do both when he needs to. If he can do that, he'll get through everything life throws at him. He can still have fun.

He doesn't get enough serious screen time, so I can't really say anymore about him that can be reinforced by things from the anime or manga. This was only around 1.5K, so hopefully it was a pretty easy read? I still don't wanna edit this, so just tell me if things don't make sense! Also, please remember that Bokuto IS NOT AN IDIOT, SO PLEASE STOP CALLING HIM ONE IF IT’S NOT FOR COMEDIC PURPOSES. Thank you :)

[number-1-kuaidul-fanboy]

Punch Out Wii Boxers Ranked

Thought I’d give my opinion on this since I’ve already expressed biases towards/against certain characters. I will be including Donkey Kong and Doc Louis but not Little Mac (because he is the objective best). The list will go from 15: the worst, to 1: the best. Before I start, I’d like to say that all of these characters are good, well-crafted characters, it really just comes down to personal bias who you prefer. And with that, let’s get started:

15. King Hippo

King Hippo is barely a character. Everything he “says” (there are apparently translations) just boils down to being hungry and he has no personality outside of that. I don’t hate him, but I don’t really care about him. His fight is also pretty boring all things considered. The contender fight is pitifully easy once you know what you’re doing and his title defense fight can go on for a long time and get very monotonous. At least his music’s kinda cool.

14. Super Macho Man

As someone who lives in America, I hate Macho Man with a burning passion. It’s not because I’m “patriotic,” it’s actually kind of the opposite. I’m not offended by his stereotype because it’s mean, I’m annoyed by his stereotype because it’s accurate. I deal with people like this on the daily: in the news. His catchphrases are obnoxious (except sometimes when they’re cut off. That’s kinda funny, admittedly) and he’s egotistical even compared to some of the others. He’s the type of person I actually want to punch in the face so I thank Punch Out for giving me that opportunity but I still hate the character. His match is fine. It’s a bit too easy in both contender and title defense compared to Soda and Bull but hey, at least they tried. His music’s alright.

13. Donkey Kong

Don’t get me wrong, I love Donkey Kong’s inclusion in this game. I think it’s amazing that Nintendo made a match for one of their most famous characters and the fight against him is very unique and challenging to win by KO. That being said, I never really played Donkey Kong so I don’t really have the connection to this character that others do. So yeah, great cameo, not one of my favourite fighters.

12. Bald Bull

Sorry, Bald Bull fans, but I’m not the biggest fan of this raging lunatic. In fact, he kinda creeps me out. People make jokes about Great Tiger being a furry (which he is), but Bald Bull straight up acts like a bull to the point of literally assaulting the poor referee. It’s kind of gross. To that same point, he is also completely shameless about his horrid anger issues which is personally not fun to watch. I get that he was driven mad by the paparazzi (or whatever that cutscene was trying to convey) but it’s still pretty over the top. I’m also not a big fan of his fights. It’s not too terribly difficult in contender mode (except the stupid bull charge) but it’s downright ridiculous in title defense. I firmly believe that his title defense match is the hardest in the entire game, yes even more difficult than TD Soda and TD Sandman. I cannot express with words how much I despise the star punch gimmick. Getting the star punches is frame perfect, making it feel like luck, and getting hit once makes you lose them all. And you need those stars to even knock him down. Seems a bit extreme for the middle fight in the world circuit, doesn’t it?! I was at this fight for hours and was over the moon when I finally managed to beat him. Also, his music kinda sucks. However, I put him over Macho Man because despite everything I just said, I don’t actually hate Bald Bull. I hate his fights but I don’t hate him personally like I do with obnoxious american.

11. Soda Popinski

Oh boy, Drunk Man. I don’t really see many reasons to like him but not any to hate him either, apart from his stupidly difficult fight, that is. I actually find it pretty easy in Contender. There’s a lot of strategies to knock him down really fast and his pattern is pretty basic. As for title defense, did they really need to make it that ridiculously hard? Yeah, there are tricks to make it easier and he has a set pattern but getting into the rhythm of that pattern is incredibly difficult and one slight mistake sets you back to two stun punches. It’s beyond frustrating. And yet the game deems him and Bald Bull to be easier than Macho Man. Why? As a character, Soda is just kinda there for me. It’s fun to make jokes about his steroid soda at least. Also, his music is for some reason one of my favourites tracks in the game. It’s just so epic.

10. Bear Hugger

Alright, now we’re onto the characters I actually like. Bear Hugger is a fun character. He’s one of the more exaggerated stereotypes though I can’t really say for sure whether this one is accurate or not but I’m guessing the maple syrup and hockey stuff at the very least is. I also love the squirrel. It’s implemented into the fight kind of oddly, but it makes his title defense fight pretty enjoyable. It’s a difficult fight but not one I’ve lost recently. The contender fight is fun too, it’s definitely one where I get to spam a ton of star punches. His music is good too. Not much to say on Bear Hugger, he’s fun but I like the other characters more.

9. Disco Kid

Kinda sad that the Wii version only introduced one new character to the roster but at least it was a fun character. Disco Kid’s matches are not a challenge. Contender mode, title defense, he’s one of the easiest fights in the game. He makes up for that by being incredibly over the top flamboyant and cocky, this time in a fun way. I like that he dances throughout his whole fight, I think it’s cool when every little aspect of someone’s match ties into who the character is. Disco Kid is a flamboyant dancer and that is perfectly shown through his mannerisms in the fights. I especially love how in Title Defense, he’s not really bitter or determined to beat Mac he’s just like, “Oh a dance club? This is cool, might as well work this stuff into my boxing routine.” It’s pretty excellent. I’m not a huge fan of disco, but his theme music is pretty good.

8. Aran Ryan

If there’s one thing I’ve seen since joining this site, it’s a lot of Aran Ryan. People on here really love this guy and even many of the YouTubers I’ve seen play this game say he is one of if not their favourite character in the game. Personally, I think he’s a little overrated. However, I do still like him and see why other people like him. He’s sort of a “love to hate” kind of character with him being a complete psycho that’s probably a sadist and a masochist considering how he seems to enjoy being punched and beating the hell out of everyone. It’s fun in a twisted way. His fights are also both pretty fun. Everyone really likes the cheating aspect and yeah, it’s pretty ridiculous that he can literally bring in a weapon and get away with it. However, it also makes his fight stand out from the others. He’s so horrible that he’s just fun to beat up. It’s also the only world circuit fight in title defense that I don’t hate with every fibre of my being. So yeah, fun character, with excellent music might I add.

7. Glass Joe

Here’s another favourite here on Tumblr. To be honest, the fact that people on here liked Aran Ryan didn’t surprise me at all. In fact, it seemed perfectly in character. However, it did surprise me to see how many people liked Glass Joe. I thought he was kind of underrated before but now I see that he’s getting the love he deserves. I love how even though Glass Joe is in every way a french stereotype, he also directly defies the stereotype of the french being quick to surrender. He lost one hundred times and still didn’t give up, becoming determined to defeat Little Mac after earning the headgear. It’s unironically really admirable. Glass Joe’s fights are never a challenge. Contender, title defense, champion’s mode, motion controls, he’s always kind of a joke. However, he is meant to be a tutorial fight for new players and this game gets much more challenging as it goes on, so it’s understandable. They did do a good job at making him more challenging in title defense, but it was still pretty easy at least in my opinion.

6. Von Kaiser

Von Kaiser’s a little underrated in this fandom. Maybe I’m speaking from bias, since I have so many headcanons about him but I really do think he’s a good character. He is just as much of a coward as Glass Joe and isn’t a much better fighter (his contender and title defense fights are both incredibly simple) yet Von Kaiser has a significantly better record than the rest of the minor circuit and even Bear Hugger, with 23 wins and 13 losses. He must’ve gotten those wins from somewhere and I doubt they were all from Glass Joe. That combined with the fact that Kaiser is the oldest boxer in the game (42) makes me think he was once a great boxer but has now passed his prime and refuses to give up, sort of like Glass Joe, but a little more tragic. Regardless, it’s fun to speculate. And I feel kinda bad for Von Kaiser, I mean the dude gets beat up by kids and basically goes mad after being beaten by a seventeen year old boxing newbie. Also, his music is pretty intense despite the fact that he’s treated like a joke by the game. Like Glass Joe, they did do a good job of making Kaiser more difficult in title defense by giving him a one hit KO and plenty of fake outs, though I don’t particularly struggle with either of those.

5. Sandman

Sandman is scary as hell. None of the other boxers really intimidate me, even the one with ridiculously difficult fights, but Sandman is a different story. Everyone else in the game has some kind of silly quirk even when they are serious but this guy is deadly serious about boxing. I mean, they introduce him by showing him beat the shit out of everyone you just faced before, some of which the player may have struggled with. It’s a great introduction for a final boss. His fight in contender is certainly the hardest in that mode and while I didn’t struggle with his title defense fight as much as TD Soda and TD Bull, it was still incredibly hard to beat. And unlike TD Soda and TD Bull, he actually has final boss vibes, so he does deserve his rank (unlike some other characters). Similar to Aran Ryan, his fight also requires the player to be more on offense, at least in my experience.

#4 Doc Louis

Doc Louis is severely underrated in this fandom and just in general. I love how encouraging he is to Little Mac even when he loses repeatedly, I love his silly tips that more often than not are cheesy dad jokes or puns. He’s just a good wholesome dad that loves his chocolate. I love him. Sadly, I have not played Doc Louis’s Punch Out so I don’t really have a perspective on how the fight is apart from videos online but it does look pretty fun, and it’s freaking Doc Louis. How can you not love him?

#3 Piston Hondo

This guy is also kind of underrated, maybe because he’s a bit vanilla? I don’t know, but apart from Sandman, he is undoubtedly the most serious about boxing. It’s actually a bit scary. I mean, this dude can catch a sword in his bare hands and outrun the bullet train, he could easily become champion after Little Mac retires. In fact, for me at least, his title defense fight is the most challenging fight in the major circuit for me. Yes, harder than Bear Hugger and Great Tiger. Those fake outs and speedy Hondo Rushes kept getting me. So yeah, very dedicated to boxing. He’s also just very respectable in general, keeping a calm demeanor throughout the fight and even bowing to show respect. He also doesn’t laugh at you when you get knocked down like literally everyone else does. (Apart from Don, but he still taunts you by asking if you want more.) Yeah, he gloats, but he’s a good sport. It’s nice to see someone who plays fair amongst a crowd of cheaters.

#2 Don Flamenco

Yet another character I’m surprised doesn’t get more attention in this fandom. I dunno, maybe my opinions are just weird. That being said, Don Flamenco was always going to be one of my favourites as he is the only foreign speaker in this entire game I can understand without subtitles. Though even if you don’t know spanish, Don’s character is still very clear and very amazing. Like, I’m sorry, but his contender intro is the best sequence in the entire game. You know immediately what he’s all about and it’s just so beautifully over the top to see this try hard dance his way into the ring with a rose. Actually, “beautifully over the top” is a great description for Don Flamenco in general. He hits every note of the “Spanish man” stereotype in the first few seconds you see him: being a bullfighter, getting all the girls, dancing the flamenco, and just being handsome in general. I don’t know if that last one is an actual stereotype but it’s undeniably true. And none of that is a bad thing. He is a positive figure, if a little cocky, and all of these things that the game could make fun of him for (the NES version certainly does), are actually shown in a positive light. I’m not too fond of bullfighting being shown in that light but it is very popular in Spain so… eh. Also, I do like that Don Flamenco fights like a bullfighter in the ring, baiting you into “charging” or attacking before countering. It’s a nice detail. However, it does make the fight a little too easy. In contender mode, even without doing the infinite, I barely have any trouble with him. He’s easy to get stars off of, his attacks are not that hard to dodge or counter, and if you do the infinite combo, you can destroy him in seconds. In title defense, he is more difficult for sure, but he’s the easiest fight title defense fight in the major circuit. That being said, holy cow is he amazing in title defense as well. He was already over the top in contender but in title defense, after one loss might I add, he acts like it’s the end of the world and becomes completely emo. This could’ve been completely obnoxious or stupid but in my opinion, it makes him very entertaining. He’s just so fun to watch in general, I love his epic music, and I love this angsty telenovela character. Amo al personaje Don Flamenco. El es tan entretenido y guapo. Necesita más amor. Because I mentioned that I know spanish earlier and the first first thing people always ask me is to speak some so there you go. Onto number one.

1. Great Tiger

If you’ve seen my other stuff here on Tumblr, you probably knew this was coming. My very first post on Tumblr, as well as the second, was about Great Tiger and I have tons of pictures of him in my likes. I guess I just have a thing for charming arrogant divas. Seriously, while he’s not as over the top as someone like Disco Kid or Don Flamenco, Great Tiger is a total diva and kind of a show off. He’s always using his clones to glorify himself or taunt you, which would normally be annoying but for some reason, it’s not in his case. And it’s not because I don’t know what he’s saying, the inflection in his voice makes it clear enough that he’s trash talking (and I’ve looked up translations). It’s because Great Tiger has a sort of cold determination, like he is ready to destroy you first, glorify himself after, probably the reason he doesn’t have a taunt, unlike nearly everyone else in the game. He is completely focused on the match and very cool-headed as well. He’s very respectable, even when he’s literally telling you to go drink your mother’s milk. On a side note, I looked up those translations as a kid and I still can’t get over the fact that that is something he actually says. Like, what on earth Nintendo? Still, it’s kinda funny to me. Anyways, I love Great Tiger’s fights. His contender form is fun and I love that intermission scene where he switches places with Doc, showing what a likeable douche he is but his title defense form is my favourite in the game. I really love the magical element, what can I say? The flashing jewel is like a game of Simon put to boxing, I love that he teleports all over the place, the Magic Rush is gorgeous bullshit, and the fight keeps me on my toes but not to the point of being impossibly hard. It’s also fun to experiment with certain elements of the fight, because it can be incredibly varied depending on what you do. just really fun. Whether I do the special knockout or play through the whole fight, I have a fun time fighting Great Tiger. It also helps that his music is spectacular, my favourite in the game. I dunno, those bongos just feel so good on the ears. Great Tiger is also just really interesting in general, and I feel like there’s a lot of unanswered questions about him. How does he have magic? (I know the NES version has an explanation for this but the Wii version does not and is substantially different.) What is the extent of his abilities? Is the jewel the source of his power? It seemed to be directly linked to his corporeal clones in title defense. Is he even of this world? I don’t know, but damn it’s fun to speculate on. I’d love a story just about his backstory, how he got his magic, how he became a boxer, I care about that stuff. So yeah, Great Tiger is the most interesting character in this game, and that’s why he’s my favourite. (I also low-key crush on him, but that’s subjective :)

Anyways, hope you enjoyed my list, it was kinda long, but I have a lot of opinions on this game and this is a good place to put it.

[recurring-polynya]

Does anyone in the world remember Heroes of the Hueco Mundo Invasion – In Love!!, a short and very strange piece of fiction I wrote while high on bad antidepressants because @unohanadaydreams​ told me to? Anyway, I wrote another chapter. I wrote this ages ago and never posted it because I was considering cutting the joke about the bowling shirts in favor of actually having them go bowling eventually. I still haven’t decided, but the bit about the bowling shirts is too good to cut. Why did I write this??? Anyway, it is transcendentally stupid and every single line of it is extremely hilarious to me. I just made a joke about Renji playing the tambourine and remembered this existed, so here you go. Happy Saturday.

🎨   🐱   👨‍❤️‍💋‍👨

“Are you seeing this?” Ichigo exclaimed.

Rukia sighed, cradling her phone between her shoulder and her ear. “Yeah.”

“First of all, since when does Soul Society have YouTube?”

“I don’t know why you keep calling it that, it’s called SoulTube, and how else would we watch cat videos and skateboard tricks?”

“Since when do you have skateboards? And also, what the junk, Chad and Ishida?”

Rukia sighed as Matsumoto narrated the highlights of Chad and Uryuu’s Shinigami Women’s Association-sponsored date.

���Chad and Uryuu decided to each plan half the date to surprise the other!” Matsumoto was trilling. “Tell me, Uryuu, what did Mr. Tall, Dark and Silent have in store for you?”

“Well, the Karakura Art Museum was doing a tribute to Leonora Carrington, who is apparently one of Chad’s favorite artists. He was clearly nervous about it. I mean, her works are a little avant garde, but he said that he wanted to share something about himself and that he felt I would understand. I was honestly really touched by that. I wasn’t exactly surprised that Chad is into magical realism, we all know that 100 Years of Solitude is his favorite book.”

“Do we?” Ichigo echoed. “Do we all know that, Ishida?”

The camera panned to Chad standing in front of a large painting in which some plague doctors appeared to be spray-painting a flamingo. There was close to a minute of silence, punctuated by a bit of zooming in and out, before Chad rumbled “This one is my favorite.”

“For the second half of the date, Uryuu took a bit of a different tack!” Matsumoto explained.

Uryuu was back on camera again. “I mean, I tried to think of things Chad likes. I’m kinda boring, and I felt bad for making him do this. I know I went for the really obvious thing.”

The video switched to the interior of a kitten cafe. Chad was covered in kittens. There were two on his head, one on each shoulder, and at least seven cradled in his massive arms. His face was just one massive grin. It cut over to Uryuu, a single, tiny kitten cradled in the crook of his arm, sipping at a cup of tea, gazing at Chad mistily.

“Awwwww,” Rukia murmured. It was the sixth time she had watched this. It was the sixth time she had involuntarily murmured ‘awwwww’ at this part.

“I am so mad at him,” Ichigo grouched. “I thought Ishida would screw this up royally. I mean, we all knew Chad would do a good job, but look at this! How am I supposed to take Inoue on a date after this?! Why did I agree to this?!”

“Because you were high on painkillers,” Rukia pointed out for the sixth time, as, on her computer screen, Chad and Uryuu fed each other bites of pastry. “What are you all nervous about anyway? Orihime is the kindest person in existence and she thinks the world of you. Aside from accidentally stabbing her-- which, sometimes you do accidentally stab people, so try not to-- there’s really no way to mess this up. Besides, technically, didn’t she ask you out?”

Ichigo let out a big huff, which Rukia assumed was at her, and not at Hisagi’s surreptitious, long-range zoom shot of Uryuu and Chad having a very chaste good-night peck on the lips.

“Askin’ a girl out is very hard, Rukia, and I’ve got this opportunity, and I don’t wanna blow it! I know that Orihime will like anything, and that’s why it’s so hard to figure out the thing that will actually really make her happy!”

“You. She wants to go on a date with you, dude.”

“I mean, would she be impressed if I wore a suit? Or would I just look like a mortician? Maybe she’s into morticians. Should I ask my dad if I can borrow his leather jacket? I mean, it’s super cool, but it’s also my dad’s, so it comes with terrible vibes.”

“She will like whatever you are wearing because she likes you. She has sent me no less than 18 text messages on this topic.”

“And Nanao and Hisagi definitely do not know how human money works, they gave us way too much. Do you think I should take her someplace really upscale? I feel like that’s a dangerous move on my part.”

“You could honestly just walk around with her. She likes you disgustingly much.”

“Is there some ancient disgraced shinigami sealed in a cave we could… y’know… loosen the bindings on…? Orihime loves sealin’ up an undead evil.”

“Dude, you just said this was a big opportunity for you, and b) that’s what we’re doing next week so I can get out of my date.”

Ichigo snorted. “C’mon, you have it so easy. I wish I could go on a date with Renji.”

“Fine. Let’s swap then, and you can.”

“Nooooooooo, because then Orihime would like you better than me, I don’t want that! And besides, that’s not really what I meant.”

“What did you mean?” Rukia asked, her voice dropping down into Sode no Shirayuki territory.

“You guys go on dates all the time, even if you don’t call it that. Keigo was really confused when he found out you two weren’t married.”

“Keigo gets confused by vending machines. And I just take Renji to noble crap because Brother says he is ‘an acceptable escort’ and he’s really good at being tall and making growly faces at gross people who would otherwise be hitting on me.”

“You take him to noble stuff? I didn’t know you took him to noble stuff.”

“I mean, we go drinking, too, but everyone goes drinking, that’s not a date.”

“Sure, drinking in a large group is not a date.”

“It is also not a date to go drinking with just one other person. Sometimes you want to hear what the other person has to say, you know, or you just want to offload about your day with someone who understands you really well!”

“To be honest, Rukia, I was specifically referring to the time we went to karaoke and you two sang ‘The Chain’ by Fleetwood Mac together and maybe also the time we went bowling and you guys had matching shirts, but now that I have further information, I think he might actually be your boyfriend.”

“I sound exactly like Stevie Nicks when I sing!” Rukia protested. “And Brother bought us those shirts. He has one, too.” She sucked her teeth for a moment. “I’m pretty sure if he were my boyfriend, that would have required us to kiss at some point.”

“Oh.” There was a long silence at the other end of the line. “D’you want to? Kiss him, I mean.”

Rukia scratched her head, and backed up to the part where Chad was covered in kittens again. “I dunno. Do you want to kiss Orihime?”

“I kinda do, Rukia. Have you met her?”

“Fair. You should wear a suit and also sunglasses. Wear a tie, but loosen it a bunch and maybe halfway through the date, take it off and stick it in your pocket. Bring flowers. Lounge against a doorway and occasionally stare off into the middle distance before you say something. She’ll flip her shit. I promise.”

“Thanks, Rukia! You’re the best!”

“I’m not,” Rukia grumbled, squinting at the screen, trying to figure out who had initiated the Chad - Uryuu kiss.

“Renji’s pretty hot. I don’t judge you for wanting to kiss him.”

“I-- !” Rukia protested, then closed her mouth. “Thanks, Ichigo.”

“This could be a big opportunity for you, too, y’know.”

“Maybe,” Rukia agreed, and started typing “eye makeup tutorial not look like clown” into the SoulTube search bar.

  🎶   🍨   💖

Renji frowned at the bill of damages in front of him. Apparently, Harribel was in charge of Hueco Mundo now, and she had discovered paperwork. He was supposed to confirm all of the things that he, personally, had destroyed. He didn’t think he should be charged for destroying Rudabone’s skeletons, since the guy just made more of them. Also, 73 Menos Grande seemed excessive. He wondered if Queen Harribel was trying to have one over on them.

“Lieutenant Abarai,” Captain Kuchiki intoned. “I have seen the SoulTube video.”

Renji jumped a foot in the air. “Aw, jeez, Captain, you almost gave me a heart attack!” he gasped. “The one where me and Rikichi do sweet skateboard jumps? Or the one where Hisagi sings ‘Ship to Wreck’ and I play backup on the tambourine?”

His captain glared at him. “The one where the ryouka boys go on a romantic outing."

“Oh,” Renji replied. “Captain, I know what you’re thinking.”

“Do you?” Byakuya intoned, his voice dripping with skepticism.

“And I think a cat cafe could really take off in Soul Society, it would be a great investment opportunity! You should move quick, though, while this video is still so popular.”

“What I was referring to, Abarai,” Byakuya growled, “is that you are scheduled to take my beloved sister on a similar such outing, no?”

“Oh,” Renji said again. “Yeah, I guess.”

“You guess?”

Renji hunched a little. “It’s not a big deal, sir. Hisagi’s really been blowing it all outta proportion. It’s just a cute thing for the newspaper, like the time they printed your recipe for Ambassador Seaweed taiyaki, remember that? You got dressed up in a little apron and hat and stuff and then you got all that fan mail?”

“This is not like that at all, Abarai,” Byakuya informed him. “I knew it would be thus. I shall call Lieutenant Hisagi and tell him to call this wretched exercise off immediately.”

“Uh… why, sir?” Renji asked, his eyes wide.

“You are not taking this seriously, Lieutenant. My sister is the most beautiful and charming woman in Soul Society, and I will not have her affections treated as a publicity stunt.”

“You underestimate me, sir!” Renji barked. “No one has more respect and sincere affection for your sister than me! I swear on my sword, I will show her A Real Good Time!”

Byakuya scrutinized his lieutenant. “You will select an activity that will be both surprising, yet enjoyable to her?”

“Yes, sir!”

“You will compliment her clothes and hairstyle, even if she insists on wearing those horrific Living World combat boots she owns?”

“For sure, sir!” Renji replied. He was a great fan of the combat boots.

“You will return her home by 9pm?”

“That’s a little early, sir, and also, there’s a nonlinear time gap between…”

Byakuya narrowed his eyes. Renji’s numerous Senbonzakura scars were starting to itch.

“No later than 8:45, sir.”

Byakuya nodded. “I am going to trust you on this, Lieutenant, but I shall be waiting up with ice cream and hot fudge, should you disappoint my sister.”

“I thought you didn’t like sweet things,” Renji frowned.

“I make allowances where my sister’s heart is at stake.”

“Well, I’m gonna do my best, sir, and I know her pretty well, so I don’t think you’ll need it.” It occurred to Renji that over the years, Byakuya had turned out to be a pretty decent brother, after all, but he didn’t think it would be particularly helpful to point that out. “Uh, sir?”

“Yes, Abarai?”

“You got any policies on good-night kisses?”

“If I am shown a particularly nice time, I allow myself to be kissed at the end of a date.”

Renji blinked. “I meant, uh, vis-a-vis Rukia.”

“Ah.” Byakuya contemplated this for a moment. “Obviously, your own preferences carry some weight, but my sister is quite a catch. If Rukia wishes to kiss you, I think you should let her.”

Renji nodded curtly. “Will do, sir!”

[hedgefairy]

Well hello there. While I'm waiting for that breeches video I've been talking about to finally upload, here's

Bridgerton, Episode 4

Phew, half time!

If you've missed the other ones, the tag is Bridgerbore, btw.

Okay, so we start of with Dukey who's going home-ish because drama and heartbreak in the last episode. Stop pretending, nobody takes your pouting seriously! We all know it's twu wuv!

Erm. So, I know, I'm white and this is a delicate matter, but I gotta say I'm not super happy about the whole POC-justifying explanation here. I'd much rather have no explanation at all, it worked perfectly well in Merlin, and this is just as much historically inspired fantasy just with less magic, which I'm honestly quite upset about. I'd be far more okayer with the costumes and overall ugh-ness if there was magic.

But honestly, I'm not a fan of shoehorning that explanation in (it doesn't seem to come up in the books, either, where everyone is basically a baguette in terms of whiteness). The fact that the implications aren't discussed any further makes it even worse. We're talking about the British empire here, and while POC are apparently part of the society (but with more pressure, which... no, this is not how nobility works) the wealth and luxury of this age still stems from the exploitation of POC everywhere else. How isn't there a revolution going on? How is this not talked about? From all I see, Bridgerton is a fluffy, pastel, nice alternate version of the 1800s, and I don't get why anyone would put politics in there instead of just doing what TV tropes refers to as "colourblind casting" and be done with it. Either you do the alternate history thing thoroughly, or you just cast people for being pretty (and maybe good actors) instead of the idea the audience might have about a character's skin colour and have weird costumes and just roll with it.

Also the Queen's marriage seems to suck. I would have liked a deeper, more heartbreaking connection between George III and her, especially because I saw how my Grandmother suffered when she gradually lost my Grandfather to dementia, and it would have been a scene where we could see Charlotte as a person rather than a weird plot device in tafetta and bling, but no, she just seems as annoyed and bored and snappish as ever.

This is getting far too serious. Where's the snark?

We get some Tchaikovsky in the background, which is weird, tbh. Yes, I'm perfectly fine with them covering Top 40s hits and using waltzes from the 1950s, but I draw the line at something from the second half of the 19th century! It's not right! It screams its time of origin all over the place, and even worse, most of the characters would probably actually get to hear it later in their lives, it's not a decent anachronism, it just feels like bad research! This is serious business!

No really, where's the snark?

Oooh, I get it now. That was when I was really, really done with bingeing this show. Yes, I tried to get through as much of it as possible in one sitting. The notes read, in very shaky handwriting

I cannot possibly take more than that

in one day

, so let's continue a few days later when I felt like I could muster the courage to face it again.

So yes, I'm pretty sure this waltz is to young for this show.

Aww, look at that, flirting over cheese! I also like that one of the Featherington girls (I can't really tell the non-Pennys apart) has a suitor, they deserve nice things, too.

The musicians are a mood.

WTF with the hair and the strass. We don't like the strass. Make it go away.

I love Prince Freddy. The poor boy. It's doomed from the start!

Ah, Dukey (also at the ball, even though he was whining about things earlier) gets a heartbeat in the background, because twu wuv.

Middle Bridgerbro goes and meets with the Bohéme. I want more of that! That's finally interesting! That's my people! There's a cool bohemian lady with a pretty dress! People look interesting! Aaaah!

There's a random 18th century burlesque singer at this Regency ball, we need to talk about this. Oooh, it's Opera Girl! Cue Lord B turning into even more of an idiot while Ma Bridgerton tries to hook him up otherwise.

Of course Philippa (that's one of the Featherington Girls) can't possibly have anything nice. Thanks, Dad. You don't get to marry someone you like, that's the people across the street's thing! (by which I of course mean the Bridgertons, just in case anyone forgot the location layout here.)

Eloise is being weird to the housekeeper.

"Are you not supposed to be the smart one", the housekeeper retorts and I'm feeling it, followed by a "WTH, hero" about how servants are too busy to be Gossip Girl, you privileged prat. I think I actually snorted.

Penny gossips with Ducktail Colin, but he's more interested in Cousin, whose dress looks like it was made from the cheap curtains my ex best friend had in his first semester at uni, and God, I hate Daphne's kerchief.

Poor Prince Freddie is trying to propose to Protagonis Girl but of course there's Dukey in the background so she simply must run outside as dramatically as possible where he can find her as she equally dramatically rips the necklace Freddie gave her from her milky white throat. P&P-ish banter ensues. Yawn.

Dukey: * broods *

Daphne: * dramatically exits *

Dukey: * romantically follows her*, and oooh, snogging ensues, oooooh, instant second base, but Bridgerbro the Eldest (known also as Lord B) intervenes.

Lord B: "Marry her!"

Dukey: "I can't!"

Lord B: "Bitch!"

Dukey: "I can't!"

Lord B: "I want satisfaction!"

Me: "Don't we all"

Daphne: "You'd rather die than marry me?!"

(the fuck with her hair)

Middle Bridgerbro is still at the Bohéme-party, and still draws (naked people!). Gay vibes ensue, it's cute. This is Netflix after all, and it took four episodes to get some LGBTQ+ representation!

The Featherington's housekeeper looks a lot like O'Brien from Downton.

Cousin tells Penny about what a cutie Ducktail Colin is, also Penny's "night gown" is really cute (it's not a night gown. She's still wearing stays. It's also the only thing in the whole series that fits her well so far). Penny is super upset but gets interrupted by a hyperfocused Eloise. They fight, and Penny goes on about being mature and not being a "pretty Bridgerton", and that Eloise wouldn't understand. I get her, though, and really, having a perfect family and a "bad" family is such lazy writing.

Somber blah blah between Lord B and Daphne happens and Middle Bridgerbro gets dragged into it. He's informed that his life is pretty much over either way (either way being Lord B dying or being exiled for killing Dukey in the scheduled duel) because his oder bro basically just wants out of his duties. Sucks to be him.

Boxing Bro has to host a frustrated, possibly blueballed Dukey and offers himself up as a second for the duel.

Lord B goes and pleads with Opera Girl to get back with him (doooooon't) because of his little duelling plot and of course intercourse ensues. Girl, where's your self-respect?

Lord F comes into his dark study (we haven't seen much of him yet overall, he probably was too busy gambling) and hark, there's Lady F like the mafia boss I feel she should be, wo berates him about said gambling and that they're broke and how much he sucks. He starts crying, thumbs up for male vulnerability!, but it's kinda played for laughs via her awkward patting of him. Because of course (and I bet the late Daddy Bridgerton would never have lost his composure like that, but he didn't gamble, either, and these are the Featheringtons)

Lord B leaves Opera Girl for THE DUEL (I feel like this almost deserves a ™ by now).

We get gallopping horses! The drama! The panache! Daphne asks Ducktail Colin where it's going down because she wants to stop them, insert pandering feminist ranting about her choosing her own life but I don't really feel it and I wonde where her bangs go when she sleeps because her hair looks so different all of a sudden.

Lord B makes Middle Bridgerbro promise to care for Opera Girl in case he dies.

More gallopping horses! Daphne and her billowing cloak are pretty epic, to be honest, and there's Ducktail Colin on her heels. It's basically a family outing now!

Ugh, I like the seconds in this duel so much more. They should just off and go for a pint or something and leave Lord B and Dukey to their misery.

Duelling protocol ensues. Ten steps, blah blah, nice camera work, though.

Daphne full on rides into her brother's bullet, but she's fine (it would have been so dramatic, can you imagine? It would have been interesting!).

Oh no, they were seen (by her romantic rival, back when they had the dramatic make-outery in the park at the ball after the botched proposal. Sorry, Cressida is such a much better name than Daaaaphneeee. I have a RPG character called Cressida, I might be biased.), she's ruined if they don't marry!. and so she is basically emotionally blackmailing him into marrying her. But he can "never give [her] children!", and goes on how she deserves a household full of love like her family home because the Bridgertons are such a perfect family. God, they all annoy me so much.

Daphne ends the duel by saying that the Duke and her are to be married, with a pained facial expression, no less. I think I just wanna throw a pie in her face or something.

And that concludes Episode 4. That was a long one! Only four more to go! So this is

To be Continued!

Thank you for making it this far with me!

[fictional-worlds-are-exquisite]

i am very much enjoying my vague void! it's currently blasting hozier at full volume and that's almost louder than my internal screaming (don't worry, everything is fine, i just saw a spider)

i've never once in my life have followed a recipe correctly. all of my measurements are completely random and whatever happens happens. it is no longer in my hands. whatever eldritch entities exist take the wheel. and i absolutely refuse to spell anything in english without autocorrect because y'all have way too many double letters and random vowel placement

thank you! sadly, i won't have a break right now, because we just had christmas vacations, but the start of the new semester is always pretty chill. and you're absolutely right, i should take up necromancy! the snow and the cold will add to my mysterious vibes. i just need to get a big black cape with a hood to complete the aesthetic

i definitely picture everything above 5'6 feet as the same height. 5'7 and 6'2? the exact same thing. no difference here

how is morepork a real bird name. it's just... more pork? but the bird is magnificent. i completely approve of your first order as bird queen, not that you need approval from mere peasants like me, but it's a great order. ohhh salps look really cool, and it does look a lot like it! when you said boob implant i thought of mermaids and them using salps as boob implants but then i realised wait wouldn't jellyfish be better for that? because of their shape? ignoring their little leggies they're quite boob shaped, no? and then i realised that i was thinking about mermaids and alive boob implants... if i had to think it, you have to read it. i'm sorry

i was sold before but now i'm even more sure that i want to hire you. and I'll make sure to have lactose free cheese for the backflips (unless you want the lactose version? i'm not judging). will the biting of ankles cost extra?

that sounds like a brilliant set-up for a horror movie where they kill off all the children one by one. it's absolutely horrifying. if something like that would've happened to me i would've most likely just passed out. whatever happens afterwards is not my problem. and now i really don't want to know what the hell your leg was caught on because that seems like knowledge that would get me killed

ah so you're a fellow dirt eater? according to my mom my favourite thing to do outside when i was a little kid used to be eating sand. just shovelling handfuls of it into my mouth and crying when my mom made me spit it out. which i refuse to believe. if there are no photos it didn't happen

you warm climate people are starting to make me think that i'm better adjusted to the cold than i thought i am! it's either that or our buildings are better heated. i definitely don't know if anyone else calls hot water bottled hotties but i like it so from now on i'm using it

that's so cute! i was clearly a way more selfish child because when i found any amount of money i just kept it and bought candy as soon as i could. i clearly couldn't save money then and i can't now. we have stores like that (or i'm assuming that they're like that solely based on how they sell lollies) and they used to be my favourite thing because you could get so many lollies for such a small price!! and my mom even used to let me order for myself sometimes so i always felt like a very big girl jsjshsbsjk

also the fact that i can't send pictures on anon is a crime (yes i know why and it's good that that's not possible because can you imagine anons being able to send pictures? oh no is all i have to say about it) but anyways. because i have this one super cursed photo that reminded me of you and now i can't share it :((

duuuuude, sick void bro. sounds like a vibing void. I feel like I haven’t seen a spider in awhile. Other than daddy long legs. But they’re chill. They mind their own business. 

I nearly always follow recipes exactly. My mum is like oh cook this for about 7 minutes? Yeah sure. I’ll take a wild guess. I’m like they say exactly 7 minutes so I’ll set a timer for 7 minutes and start a stopwatch so if it does seem to need more than 7 I can keep an eye on the extra time and be aware of exactly how long it takes me for next time. Other people are like oh let's see I have [lists 5-10 things in their fridge], hmm...oh I know what I could make with that! I’m like I have beans in my freezer because one recipe required them and no other recipes I know how to make do so what am I supposed to do with these now,,, this is stressful,,, basically I barely know how to cook and recipes are the only things saving me in that area. That is entirely fair. Except for the fuck duck, and murder is not the word you want surely, situations, it’s pretty helpful.

Ohhh I see. At least the start is chill! For a little! Before your entire situation spirals out of hand and you’re behind in every class and it’s taken you a whole day to read 10 pages and you’re exhausted and it’s only week 2. Just me? ok. fair. anyway. I want a cloak so bad. One of my uni friends tempted me to class because she said she was wearing a cloak so my depressed ass honest to god dragged myself out of bed and to said class just to see it. It was worth it. They’re incredible. Everyone should own a big cloak for the aesthetic.

I’m glad it isn’t just me hahaha. I can visualise my own height in feet but everything else is just the same size that is a vague amount taller than me, mentally.

It’s also known as the ruru. But the name morepork amuses me. It’s named after the call it makes haha. It does sound like it’s asking for more pork if you know to listen for that. thank u for ur approval, it means a lot, turns out becoming bird queen didn’t ACTUALLY get rid of my anxiety disorder weirdly enough so validation is great! lmaooo. What if the jellyfish stung them tho? At least salps wouldn’t do you dirty like that. The mermaids would just look like there are hundreds of bugs crawling around in their boobs, flesh shifting as they float around. Which is a vibe. If you’re into that. Jellyfish WOULD make a more solid, single, implant, some of them are definitely boob shaped. But that’s kinda boring no one’s gonna be traumatised by that. Salps on the other hand...yeah, that sight will DEFINITELY traumatise someone.

To be PERFECTLY honest I haven’t done a backflip in years but for lactose-free cheese? Dude. I’ll be going back to training. Gonna be the best backflip you’ve ever seen. As long as it’s not Tasty cheese I am content, but lactose free IS better. The biting of ankles will not cost extra, it is a pleasure to be allowed to do that.

Oh it absolutely would be. It’d be very funny if it reached the wider world bc people would probably be like ok but who would send kids into the bush like that,, it’s an odd concept. meanwhile everyone who grew up in nz is gonna be like y’all, you’re not gonna fuckin BELIEVE what i experienced growing up, it’s real dude. On one hand, I feel like murdering kids in a movie is questionable, on the other hand, It exists, so maybe people would be down for it. I feel like it’d be a good concept even if it wasn’t murdery tho. Like psychological horror? I’m not sure if I’m using that category correctly I don’t watch much horror. A kid following the rope but then being shifted into a different horror dimension but they never take the blindfold off because their teachers said not to and they’d probably have to let go of the rope to do it...I feel like this could work super well as a short film. The viewers see everything. The child just knows something is off and no one is coming when they call for help. I am so down for this. I also do not want to know what my leg was caught on. Some things I am better off not knowing.

yes! I am a fellow dirt eater! We had a sandpit at home (that’s a little bold. It was a large plastic shell that my parents filled with sand. technically a sandpit. but not fancy sdflsdkfsdf) but I don’t think I ever tried to eat it. Then again, I possibly did and just don’t remember because there’s no photo evidence of that one. I’d have to ask my parents sdfhsjdfs, I would however fully believe them if they said yes. it’s very characteristic of me. I don’t doubt it for a second. muuuum that’s my emotional support sand don’t make me spit it out smh the disrespect these days.

Oh I’m absolutely terrible even by most people’s standards around here when it comes to cold and hot temperatures. I remember sitting in the sun in my school shirt and school jersey in summer on a blazing day like it’s a bit chilly, isn’t it? Meanwhile my friends were in the shade absolutely dying from the heat. Likewise in winter I’d be shivering, teeth chattering, dying with my long sleeve thermal, my school shirt, my school jersey, my school jacket, my longs, warm socks and sneakers and gloves and school scarf while ppl would be walking around in a shirt and shorts like it’s a bit warm this winter huh? my body didn’t learn how to thermoregulate and it shows. But yeah NZ does also have a reputation for shittily insulated buildings and such. It shows. skhdfsfs if it’s not common use maybe don’t say can i have a hotty to someone without context but otherwise go ahead lmao. it’s a fun shortened version.

I was typically a very good saver, to the point where my extended family started gifting me gift cards and vouchers for Christmas and my birthday because if they just gave me money I’d put it in my bank account to save towards uni once I hit like, 12 years old. Which I think was a smart move. But apparently, I’m supposed to buy myself ‘something nice’ with it. I think I’m still an okay saver but I’m not as strict anymore. I’m aware of how much I can spare and I’m not just like you can never get anything for yourself ever, so I do get lil things for myself sometimes. oooo yay! At least you know what I mean. But yes. They were the gold mine for lollies. Absolutely terrific stores. My mum would be like hey lindsey how about you order? And I’d be like mother, I am 7 years old and I have an undiagnosed anxiety disorder everyone assumes is child shyness why would you think I would want to do that. Instead I will whisper my choices to you. After therapy tho I felt pretty rad for picking my own lollies by myself. I was like 13 at that point but sdfkjhsdf listen I got there in the end.

sdfkjsdfkjhsdf I like that a cursed photo reminded you of me. That’s all I need to hear. Tumblr said no anon dick pics but they also said no anon cursed photos either,,, very sad. for the latter part. the first part thank god. If I could turn on photos on anon I absolutely would just to see this but I don’t think I can :(

[snapecanslytherinin]

How are they still employed??

I hope you enjoy!! No warnings just fun times!!!

Word count: 2099

..........................................

How they got employed? Well that is relatively easy to answer; they all aspired to be a part of the Behavioral Analysis Unit in Quantico, Virginia and showed great strengths with the ability to easily pinpoint the places the criminals would flee, along with having an outstanding skill in getting information from them that they needed. How they STAYED employed? I can promise you that it is a mystery to each of them at this point. Between the pranks they pull, how much they truly annoy Strauss and how they all barely manage to turn in paperwork done correctly and on time, it is truly an American mystery by now.

There is the time that Kira was caught posting criminal dick pics on Strauss' facebook account, thank god Aaron was the one to catch Kira, or they may have gone missing. Or the time Vel kept hacking the main sound system and played emo hits for the entire day which only made her sad. Then you have the time that Sammy 'kept telling Reid blatantly incorrect facts which ended with him crying in Hotch's office and Hotch taking away Sammy's internet at work for a week. While they may be crucial to the team and how they function, everyone has thought about giving them three their own office to share, hoping to keep the chaos controlled. I feel the best way to explain how these heroes function is just a list of the chaos from the past month.

Kira

1. Monday morning, at precisely 8:30, the bull pen is filled with the sound of a scream from Vel who is currently standing on Reid's desk, using him as a personal shield. Hotch comes flying out of his office, only to see a cackling Kira in the corner and instantly knows Vel has been pranked. Sighing and walking to the back of her desk he sees a rubber realist spider, and rips it off from where its taped. Kira instantly knows they are in trouble when they see the famous Hotchner glare.

"My office. Now."

2. "So how do you think he will react?" Kira asks perched at the edge of Sammy's desk.

"I don't know, but keep me out of it. I'm still in trouble for stapling Hotch's tie to the desk." Before Kira could react, a bombing Italian voice sounds from behind them.

"Kira, I know you are the culprit. Stop putting pasta sauce in my drawers. Do you understand how infuriating it is to expect a pen but get A JAR OF PASTA?!?"

3. Sitting in front of the criminal with Emily at Kira's side, they stare dead at the creep, surprisingly making them shift uncomfortably in the seat avoiding eye contact. The team needed information and decided that Kira was best fit to make him regret ever keeping a secret.

"So" Kira finally speaks up, " you like to murder people huh?"

"Yeah, sure. Why else would I do it?" They answer back sarcastically?"

"Tell me, how would you murder me?"

Walking from the interrogation room, criminal pulled off behind them, Kira walks straight to Hotch, a Proud look across their face, Vel and Sammy running over to hear the news.

"How did you get him to talk?" Hotch questions, a weary eyebrow raised.

"Well I asked how he would murder me, and he isn't a sexual sadist, so APPARENTLY vigorously letting out sexual moans when he explains what he would do and talking about getting some alone time together, it can really make a murderer uncomfortable, and fess up."

Vel

1. Rolling in to the bull pen, Vel slides by Morgan and spins to face the others desk, sitting on top of her own, slushie in hand. Losing a deal with Kira, Vel had to show up to work in roller skates, and deciding to spice it up some, she chose to add heart sunglasses, a work appropriate red flared skirt and a FBI navy shirt she found at a goodwill a year back.

"What in the world are you wearing?" Morgan asks a smile making an appearance.

"I lost a bet, so this is my work outfit. Nowhere does it say I can't wear roller skates. The sunglasses and space buns are just to add to the effect. I think it's very work appropriate!"

The first two hours of the day went along without a hitch until she was called into Strauss' office, for some unknown reason.

"What are you wearing Agent?"

"Well ma'am, I looked through the entire handbook and it says nothing about roller skates, my skirt is the correct length, and if I'm honest, I think I look amazing."

She was excused from the office since, she was correct and Strauss couldn't say a word about it, having her get back to work. Instead of doing the files she needed done, she chose bother Morgan by trying to talk him into getting a pair, showing them off to a proud Rossi and also getting avoid by Hotch, since every time they crossed paths, Vel would grab his sleeve for a free ride, and he refused to let the office see him cackling at the interaction he actually found amusing.

2. It was a rainy Friday afternoon, which resulted in Vel choosing to stay in for lunch, and bug the shit out of Hotch until he murdered her, or found a way to shoo her off; which would be quite hard, because she knew how to talk her way out of a goodbye, jesus does this child have issues? (yes)

Hanging upside on the couch, legs crossed over the back, Vel sat there as a disgruntled Hotch was placed a few feet away at his desk, trying to finish his current pile of work.

"Do you think star fish have feelings?"

"I don't know, Vel."

"Would you kiss Rossi for 500 bucks?"

"I'd rather choke."

"If I lost my voice what would you do?"

"Cry happy tears, probably."

"Fuck, marry, kill; Me, Morgan, JJ?"

"Language, Agent."

"Answer the question."

"Kill Foyet, get rich, never play this game again."

"Nothing about that answer was correct!"

"Fine, fuck, marry, kill, me or Morgan. Only two choices."

"Kill myself."

"WHY ARE YOU SO BAD AT THIS!!"

"You are super pretty, Hotch, you know that?"

"Thank you. Please shut up."

"Do you like me?"

"I can't imagine where I would be without you and the other two migraines."

That left a smiling Hotch and a quite Vel, choosing to take a nap, now tired from all of her questions. Plus who could pass up a nap on his couch?

Sammy

1. "No okay, but hear me out, Reid. It's a talking Mongoose!"

"It isn't real Sammy! why would you believe that!"

It is the last time Reid will insult Sammy's cryptids, I mean what kind of monster do you have to be to argue with Sammy about something so fun and exciting!

It is a week later on the jet, coming back from a long case in Ohio and everyone is thrilled to finally go home. After take off everyone does their own things, Hotch and JJ do some finalizing on paperwork, Morgan listens to music, Rossi and Emily share a drink, Kira and Vel watch a horror movie together, which normally Sammy would join, but instead he sits next to boy genius, rereading a book.

"Wanna play some chess?" He asks with a chipper tone.

"Of course Sam, I'd love to!"

Pulling the board over to them, Sam asks if Reid will grab them some drinks, to which he obliges leaving Sammy alone with the board. Quickly setting up the pieces, he adds a little extra love to Spencer's pieces, him arriving shortly after.

"Let's get this game started!" Trying to move a black piece, Spencer's eyes grow wide before letting out a girlish screech, realizing that Sammy glued his pieces down to the chess board.

While that action got him work grounded for two months, and the out of pocket money to buy a new board, Sammy was content, and Reid learned to not question the cryptids ever again.

2. Sammy wasn't one to often interrogate, usually bored by the slow place or ready to fist fight the room's occupant, but when he does enter that work area you can imagine, just like Kira and Vel, he himself also has an interrogation quirk that shows itself in each case.

"Listen, just fess up to the fucking murder, and I'll hand over the candy of mine you've been eyeing the entire time."

"THIS IS THE LAST TIME I WILL ASK! ARE YOU GOING TO ADMIT TO FIRST DEGREE MURDER, IF I CAN PROMISE YOU'LL GET A LIFE TIME SUPPLY OF COOL RANCH DORITOS!?!?"

"Okay I know this is super serious, and I usually offer the snacks to the criminals for information, but Hotch, if I can talk Vel into sharing her Mac n Cheese cups with you on the jet, will you go drink some water, you look like you could pass out."

All of that is relatively normal, but the next encounter is not something anyone on the team expected to happen, and frankly, caused Vel to have to use her inhaler from laughing so damn hard.

There the team sat, a long dark wood table in the court room, under their clasped hands as they awaited the trial for themselves. The BAU has gotten in trouble before, but when they failed to remove all by standers before trying to take down and apprehend a bomber, resulting in injuries, there they all stood on trial for their actions. In front of them were the supervisory board, all very scary mean looking men, who were bound to scare Penelope and Vel more than any criminal they've seen before. Each person got their own moment alone with the board to speak, although he others were still near by and could hear the events of each private session. Sammy's came third to last, passing Emily who was on her way out. Sitting down he crossed his arms on the table and looked as professional as Hotch could convince him to, waiting for the question to be asked. After arguing with them for what seemed like every question, Sammy had, had enough and knew he was going to be suspended anyways, so thought to have at least a good exiting line.

“Would you like a snickers, Sir? They say you aren’t you when you’re hungry and you are being annoying as fuck right now.”

With that last comment he was excused with a week extra of suspension, but he couldn't care less. He got to get away from that grouch bag and that's just an extra week to go visit his favorite folklore.

THE THREE PIGEONS (DON'T ASK, NO ONE KNOWS)

1. No day was greater for the pigeons, than when they decided to hide tiny plastic babies around the office. They put them where ever they could manage; in everyone's coffee cups, taped to pens, glued to paperclips. The best was when Hotch when to open his bottom desk drawer only to find it filled with tiny babies, the look on his face causing the trio to burst out laughing, and out themselves as the culprits.

2. When I tell you they like to mess with Hotch, I mean this man can never get a moment of silence when they are around (Even though he enjoys their company, he would never admit it) which brings us to the great season of summer, when he couldn't get them vacation time to go camping, he walked into his office the next day, to see a tent step up in the center of the room and his furniture pushed to the side. On the floor sat the group, in pjs, laying in sleeping bags and watching a movie on a tv they somehow managed to get in. The day was filled with forcing to watch one with them on his lunch break, having to quiet the laughter when he got a phone call, and by the end of the day, the whole team was in Hotch's office to do paperwork and enjoy the "camping".

Although they create mass chaos and definitely made some things harder than they have to be, the team would be lost without them, and they sure in hell would be lost without each other in this work force. Now just wait until you hear the story of how they become the BAU teams fuck toys ;) [for legal reasons that last comment was a joke....unlessssss]

@davidrossi-ismydad @good-heavens-chris-evans

[shadedrose01]

Maybe There's a Reason (To Believe You'll Be Okay)

Relationships: Harley Keener & Tony Stark (platonic), Harley Keener/Peter Parker (at the end)

Summary: Harley has a crisis, and Tony helps him through it (with a hint of parkner at the end).

Tags: Remix, Parkner Remix Event, Even though its barely parkner whoops, Emails, Letters, Phone Calls & Telephones, Tony Stark Acting as Harley Keener's Parental Figure, Sexual Identity, Identity Issues, Coming Out, Kinda?, Sexuality, Gay Harley Keener, Crushes, Harley Keener Needs a Hug, Hurt/Comfort, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Acceptance, Self-Acceptance, Love, Parental Love, Tony Stark is Good With Kids, tony stark is a dad, why is that not a tag, Parkner is only at the end, for like a paragraph, Just so yall know :)

For the Parkner Discord Remix Event!!

A remix of @official-impravidus ' fic "Sincerely, Me" (which you can read here!)

This is longer, so ao3 link is here!

Hope you all enjoy! Love you lexie!!

--

Wednesday, May 8, 2013, 1:24PM 

From: countryroadstakemehometotennessee@gmail.com

To: tes@starkindustries.com

Subject: Relationships and Mark V

I don't understand dating. Like, my friend Bryan started dating Rachel today, and that's fine, whatever, but I just don't get it. All they did was hold hands and kiss each other all day. Is that all a relationship is? What even is the point of it? I mean, I know humans are animals and our instincts give us our need to reproduce so we need to find a viable mate and all that stuff, but why do you need to always be together, and hold hands, and do all of that gross stuff too?

Either way, I finally got around to building a mark V for my potato gun! It's just a few upgrades up from the mark IV, for faster shots and farther range, but I think it'll be cool once it's done. 

I hope your day is going okay.

-Harley

 

~~~

 

Wednesday, May 8, 2013, 10:43PM 

From: tes@starkindustries.com

To: countryroadstakemehometotennessee@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Relationships and Mark V

Relationships are complex, and complicated. Humans are born to reproduce, yes, but dating, and finding a partner is more than that. It's finding someone you're compatible with, who can be there at your best and at your worst, and a bunch of other deep seeded emotions that are hard to explain.

You don't need to worry about that now, though. You'll understand more when you're older, anyways, so I wouldn't worry about it.

My day has been good. More of a lazy day today, Pepper and I ordered some take out and watched movies in our pjs. I didn't have my phone on me per Peppers request, or I would have answered sooner.

As for the Mark V, the updates sound good. Keep me posted, kid.

  -The Mechanic

 

~~~

 

Monday, September 8, 2014, 4:57PM 

From: countryroadstakemehometotennessee@gmail.com

To: tes@starkindustries.com

Subject: Middle School!!

I started middle school today!! And honestly? It wasn't as exciting as I thought it was gonna be. I knew that movies and tv shows oversell the wow factor of middle school and high school but I didn't think it'd be this dull. I'm still in the same class, with all the same classmates, and my classes are still crazy easy. I had hoped that the increase in grade would make it even a little bit harder, but I knew everything on the outline they gave out before the teachers even started teaching!! It's bonkers!

Apparently this middle school also has a STEM, or "gifted" kid program for kids like me though, so hopefully that'll be harder. I'm still gonna be so bored in my normal classes though. Ugh.

I have the STEM classes tomorrow, so I'll tell you how it goes. I know you've been stuck in those awful meetings lately, but I hope your day is going better than mine.

  -Harley

 

~~~

 

Tuesday, September 9, 2014, 5:04PM

From: countryroadstakemehometotennessee@gmail.com

To: tes@starkindustries.com

Subject: STEM Program

I had my STEM class day today, and it went a lot better than yesterday did! My teachers are all super nice, especially my math teacher, Mr. Trevor. He immediately starting teaching today, which was awesome, because all of my other normal teachers had a Ice Breaker class first (which I hate, we all already know each other, why do we have to say our names and something about ourselves??), but he just went right into it, and started teaching us trigonometry. I haven't learned any of it before, and I'm super excited to dig into it and find out how it works. It's seeming pretty simple so far, just formulas and using calculators right.

The only bummer is the class I got put with. They all seemed to click and get along well together, but none of them really talked to me much. I don't mind though. I'm more focused on my education anyways.

Also! I saw that Captain America and Black Widow took down SHIELD's headquarters on the news. What was that about? Do you know?? Apparently they leaked files too or something???

I hope everything is okay.

  -Harley

 

~~~

 

Friday, September 12, 2014, 10:27AM 

From: tes@starkindustries.com

To: countryroadstakemehometotennessee@gmail.com

Subject: Re: STEM Program

Hey kid. Sorry for the late response, things have been hectic here, as you probably know. It's been a PR nightmare, with the whole "Cap took SHIELD down" fiasco. I can't say more than that though. Legal things, NDAs, you know how it is.

I'm glad the STEM classes are testing your abilities more. I know the regular classes can be boring for someone of your intellect, but try to enjoy them while they last, okay? Soon you'll be an adult, and doing adult things, and trust me, it isn't as fun as they make it out to be in the movies either.

Don't worry about those kids too. Give it time, they'll come around.

  -The Mechanic

 

~~~

 

Friday, September 26, 2014, 9:02PM

From: countryroadstakemehometotennessee@gmail.com

To: tes@starkindustries.com

Subject: Update?

Hi. Just emailed to give an update on me. Everything's been pretty normal, I guess. Abbie's loving elementary school, her teacher, Mrs. Millar, is really nice. I did my trig test today, and I think I did well. Mama's working late again tonight, but that's just normal at this point too.

Have you ever, I dunno. Felt like you were weird? Or strange, or broken? Like, all of your friends are one way, and doing some things, but you aren't, and everyone looks at you weird, and treats you differently?

I don't know. I don't know where I'm going with this. I just feel off tonight. Think I'm going to go to bed early.

I'm sorry.

  -Harley

 

~~~

 

Friday, September 26, 2014, 9:48PM 

From: tes@starkindustries.com

To: countryroadstakemehometotennessee@gmail.com

Subject: Re: Update?

 

You don't need to apologize, kid. You did nothing wrong.

I used to feel like that, quite frequently if I'm being honest. When I first went to MIT, I felt weird. I stuck out like a sore thumb, and had people talk about me behind my back because of how young I was. But then I met Rhodey, and things got better.

And then Afghanistan happened. And the invasion. Let me tell you kid, I've never felt more broken and alone after that. I had panic attacks, as you know, but I also struggled with a lot of paranoia. Lack of sleeping or eating properly, mixed with trauma does that to you. I was a wreck, and I was so certain I couldn't be fixed. That I'd be like that forever.

And to an extent, I will be. I'll always struggle with it, but it's much, much better now than it used to be. I went to therapy, talking about my feelings, which sucked ass (don't tell your mom I said that), and learned mechanisms to help myself. Learned breathing techniques, practiced meditation, focused more on self care, and now I'm doing so much better.

So, moral of this long, way too personal story. You aren't broken, kid. Whatever is going on, whether it's similar to me or not (I hope not), it'll be okay. You will be okay. Things will work out. And don't worry about what other people think. Focus on yourself, and do what makes you happy, no matter what.

I'm always here if you need to talk, Harley. I might not be much help, or be very good at this whole hormonal preteen emotions thing yet, but I can try.

I'm glad things are going okay outside of that though. I'm glad your sister's settling in well, and I'm sure you aced your test. You're a smart kid.

Goodnight.

  -Tony

 

~~~

 

Tuesday, October 7th, 2014, 3:38PM

From: countryroadstakemehometotennessee@gmail.com

To: tes@starkindustries.com

Subject: Call

Hey, can we call? I know you're probably busy, and we don't normally do that but I'm kinda freaking out about something and I don't know who else to talk to. My number is (___)  ___-____

  -Harley

 

~~

 

Tuesday, October 7th, 2014, 3:41PM

From: countryroadstakemehometotennessee@gmail.com

To: tes@starkindustries.com

Subject: Re: Call

Nevermind, ignore that last email. I was being overdramatic, and stupid. I'm fine, everything is okay.

Sorry for bothering you.

  -Harley

 

---

 

He didn't expect anything from the emails. He assumed the older man would've read his last email, and shrugged it off, pretending the previous didn't exist like Harley longed for him too. As he said, he was being dumb. It didn't matter that his heart was pounding, that his brain was screaming at him that he was a freak, and dirty, and so so so wrong , that he was shaking like a leaf and on the verge of tears. It didn't matter. It was stupid. It didn't matter.

He didn't expect that Tony would actually still call him.

He stares at his vibrating cell phone through teary eyes, blurry vision, the number unknown but he knows who it is, knows it because nobody else calls, because when his friends call, they call the home phone, not his phone, so who else could it be?

He blinks the tears out of his eyes, rubbing them away quickly when a few escape, swallowing down his fear and panic and self hatred as he scrambles to pick it up before the call ends (he doesn't think Tony would appreciate it very much if he let it ring to voicemail), stuttering out a shaky, higher pitched "H-Hello?"

"Hey, kid." Tony's voice, much lower and rougher than his, rings through the phone, and Harley braces for the questions, the interrogation he knows is coming, knows Tony's gonna ask him about it, about what's bothering him. Why, why did he email him? Now he's gonna have to tell him what's wrong, now he's gonna have to admit it, admit how wrong and messed up and broken he is- "How was your day?"

Harley jerks back slightly, mouth gaping and eyes wide, caught off guard by the unexpected tame question. "Huh?"

"How was your day?" The man repeats calmly, tone smooth, even, relaxed, like it's a normal conversation on a normal, boring day. Nothing like how Harley is feeling, nothing like the swarming thoughts in his mind, like the flood of emotions in his chest, like the churning in his stomach, the burning ache in his lungs. 

"U-uhm," Damn his stutter, he had grown out of it years ago, why was it suddenly coming back now? "I-it was good." He lies, trying to keep his voice from wavering, trying to keep it steady, trying to stay composed as the tsunami of emotions tries to pull him under. "Yeah."

"Yeah?" Tony prods lightly, voice softening slightly, and Harley shakes his head in a nod, firm, even though Tony can't see it, even as tears start to burn at his eyes again, even his chest winds tighter and tighter and tighter .

"Mhm." He forces out, not trusting himself to speak anymore, his throat closing as his feelings start rising up his esophagus, a sob clawing its way up his throat, trying to escape.

There's a pause, then, a moment when everything freezes. A moment right before the iceberg tips, right before everything crashing and burning down around him, right before the beginning of the end. And then, time starts again, as the mechanic asks, quiet, hushed "What's going on, Harley?"

And Harley crumbles .

The sob rips from his throat, echoing loudly in the large emptiness of his garage, a trembling hand covering his mouth as soon as he does. But the floodgates have already opened, tears are streaming full force down his face, his body shuttering through shaky gasps and shattered sobs. "I-I-Im sorry ," He chokes out as he sits down heavily in his old, pachy wheely chair, curling into himself as his body shutters again. He rubs his eye with the hand on his face, sniffling and coughing through a whimpered, "I-I know you're- you're probably b-busy, you- you don't h-have to-"

"I have nowhere else to be." Tony murmurs simply, cutting off Harley's poor attempt at waving him off, at delaying the inevitable for any longer. Harley lets out a small whine as the older man speaks up again, soft, soothing, repeating gently, "What's going on, kid?"

"I-I dont-" He hiccups, running a hand through his shaggy, too long blond curls, tugging slightly as his knee bounces rapidly. "M-My friends, or my classmates, they- lately, they've been, I don't know, they've been talking- talking more about crushes and girls and stuff." Harley sniffles, tugging his hair harder as his vision starts to blur again, the words tumbling out of his mouth now. "And- and I never really c-cared about it, you know? I never really- really unders-stood it, didn't see the appeal, s-so I didnt m-mind it. But they- they just keep talking about it, and getting g-girlfriends, and-and talking about their bodies and I didnt get the- the i-interest, so I thought maybe something was wrong with me-"

"There isn't." Tony chips in, but Harley just runs right over him, keeps blabbering. He knows it's rude, knows his mama taught him better, but he can't seem to stop talking now that he started, his words getting more and more wobbly, panicked the longer he goes.

"But there is , there is something wrong with me, I- I know there is now, be-because when I-I went to school today, the- the past few days really, I started- started noticing that I started f-feeling weird, and- and it sounds- sounds similar to how the- the others say they feel, but it doesn't make sense , it can't be that, I dont- I cant-" Harley's breath catches, and he grinds his teeth together, refuses to speak another word, refuses to accept it, refuses to admit the god awful truth, refuses to utter the words. Because it can't be right, it can't be true, it can't be-

They sit in silence for a few moments, when he assumes Tony thought he would continue speaking but he wont, he refuses , until the softer, calmer voice returns, slightly staticky through the speaker, but barely more than a whisper, as if he spoke any louder, Harley would shatter. He probably would. "So, if I'm understanding correctly, you think you have a crush, and you're... scared?"

He doesn't sound patronizing, just honest, if a bit curious, but it doesn't help calm Harley any, a higher pitched, frustrated noise escaping the back of his throat, his free hand going out of his hair going back to rubbing at his face, rubbing off the tracks of tears, trying to rub away any sign of upset, until his skin is red and raw. "No, I-I mean, kinda- its not- I can't- god , this is so stupid."

"Its not stupid. I get it." The man responds, and Harley wants to laugh, feels the bitter feeling bubbling in his chest, because does he? How can he get this? Harley doesn't even get this, it doesn't- he shouldn't- "What's her name?"

The sound erupts out of him at that, but instead of laughter like he thought it would be, it's just another pitiful whine, another loud, agonizing sob. Because that's the thing, the thing that's been haunting him ever since he figured it out earlier that day, the issue that's been plaguing his mind and freaking him out, winding him up more and more and more as the day went on until he got home and sent those messages. 

Because- because when he thinks back to earlier that day, he thinks of lunchtime, of sitting at his lunch table with his "friends", of them talking and laughing, of Harley feeling those weird feelings again, especially when he looked across from him, and saw big, forest green eyes, saw a big, toothy grin, saw two small dimples and scattered freckles, saw short, short black hair, saw a sharper, thinner jaw, saw male male male, felt butterflies flutter, and realized he was wrong, wrong, wrong .

Because- "It's not a girl." His voice is small, defeated, barely a whisper, his whole body tensed up in fear, waiting, waiting for his reaction.

There's a pause, before a faint, quiet, sympathetic, "Oh, kid." That Harley immediately the wrong way, because he hates him, oh god he hates him-

"I'm sorry!" He gasps, jerking upright, sitting ramrod straight and the apologies spilling from his mouth. "I'm so sorry, I didnt- I dont mean to, and I-I know its wrong, and I shouldn't, and I-I know I'm weird and- and a freak , and-"

"Hey, hey, woah!" Tony's voice is louder now, stronger, and Harley hushes up immediately, his mouth slamming shut, even as his body trembles with a silent sob. "It's okay, kid. You aren't any of that."

"But- but I am!" Harley whimpers. "I'm w-weird, and everyone else isn't like this , and-"

"Am I a freak?" Again, the random question sends Harley for a loop, trying to grasp onto any of his quickly scattering thoughts.

"W-what?"

He can hear a faint smile, faint amusement in Tony's tone as he asks again, still so so calm, so reassured, "Am I a freak?"

Harley narrows his shining eyes, still full of tears, staring down at the wooden table in front of him, at the chips and nicks covering the side of it, wondering if this is a trick question. "N-No? Of- of course not, you're Iron Man."

He can hear some noise in the background of the call now, squeaking as if someone's leaning back in a chair, before Tony speaks up again, voice full of warm amusement now. "Well, Iron Man has had a few rendezvous with men in the past, and still likes them to this day. Does that make him, and therefore, me, a freak?" When Harley doesn't answer, mostly out of pure shock than anything else, Tony keeps going, tone going serious again. "Kid, I'm gonna get this out there right away. There is nothing wrong with you for liking boys, you hear me?"

He swallows, and wants to agree, longs to agree, but- "But- but my friends, they all like- like girls , and mama, she- she said that traditional marriage was what God wanted and-"

Harley cuts himself off this time, and Tony only waits a few beats before murmuring softly, "Is that what you think?"

He just shrugs, picking at the table, sniffling, whispering quietly, "I don't know what to think anymore."

There's a soft hum and another pause. "You're different, Harley. I'm not going to beat around the bush, you are different." Harley stomach drops. "But," Tony continues, "Kid, you've always been different. You're so smart, way too smart for your own good, if I'm being honest. And there's nothing wrong with that. People may try to bring you down, or kick you while you are down, but you've gotta remember that, okay? There is nothing wrong with you."

Harley waits a few moments, let's the words wash over him and wrap him in a blanket of warmth, of security and comfort, but there's still one little thing that keeps rearing its ugly head, that's still making him antsy. "But, what if I'm just- overreacting? And I don't actually... y-you know." He finishes lamely, still not ready to completely admit to everything yet.

Tony doesn't seem to mind. "Then that's okay too." He says simply, a bit of shuffling coming through the line. "Kid, how old are you again, like twelve?"

He can hear the teasing in his tone, and rolls his eyes as he huffs out, "Thirteen." 

The older man chuckles for a second, before his voice goes back to calm, quiet. "Seriously though, you're thirteen , Kid. You don't need to have everything figured out right away." He snorts, then. "I sure didn't. I think I was a mess at your age, wasn't even thinking about relationships. At least, not long term." There's a pause. "Point is, you don't need to know right now. This might be a fluke, and you might end up liking only girls from here on out. You might end up just liking boys, liking both, or neither, who knows? But you've got time, kid, and that's the key. Give it time . And whatever it ends up being, whatever ends up happening..." His voice softens at the end, a smile prominent in his tone. "It'll be okay. You will be okay." 

For the first time all day, Harley finally takes a deep breath. His shoulders finally relax, his body practically melting back into his chair, and a smile grows on his face, warmth blooming in his chest. "...thanks, Tony." He whispers, hoping that the amount of pure, unfiltered gratitude he's feeling can be heard in his tone.

He thinks it can, as there's a hint of embarrassment and awkwardness in Tony's voice as he responds with a simple, "Don't mention it, squirt." 

Harley just chuckles at the sudden discomfort of the older man, before his eyes widen. "Oh! While you're here, did I tell you I passed my trig test?"

"Hey! I knew you would, kid, I had no doubt." Harley's grin widens, before he throws himself into another story, feeling warmer, safer, and happier than he has in a while.

A few years later, Tony was getting off of the elevator to his penthouse with a huff, having just gotten back from a rough meeting, when he freezes. His heart warma and a smile grows on his face when he notices Harley, now 17 years old (almost an adult, god he was so old ), curled up into Peter's chest, his face pushed into his neck, seemingly fast asleep. Peter's head rests on top of Harley's, eyes open but hooded, as if keeping them open was getting difficult. They glance over to Tony immediately, though (damn his spider sense and increased hearing), and a faint blush forms on his cheeks even as he smiles lightly, his eyes softening as he glances back down at his boyfriend and presses a firm kiss onto his head. Tony watches the interaction with a soft grin, before quietly stepping away, his chest full of mostly warm, sappy feelings, but also full of pride and joy, knowing his pseudo son is accepted, happy and loved.

[creaturecarnival]

Gogomaggedon Part 1

If you were a child between the ages of 4-12 in the late 2000s/early 2010s, chances are you’ve at least heard of Gogo’s Crazy Bones. Rebooted from a series from the 80s and 90s, (which we won’t be talking about because I didn’t grow up with them and to be quite honest don’t like them all that much) these funky plastic fellas were sold as collectible figures for kids, and their hyper-stylized chibi charm was certainly hard for myself and many others to resist! They were also intended to be used as pieces for various games, but I think I speak for most of my fellow Crazy Boners when I say that the main draw was the collectibility. For this review, I thought it might also be fun to give them all a rating out of 5 based on how I personally feel about them! I dunno! We’re trying new things! Mixing stuff up! It’s what we do here at Creature Carnival! So let’s get started with this Gogomaggedon because holy shit are there a lot of these little bastards!

Name: Mosh

Description: Super kind. All the Gogos want to be friends with Mosh.

Ability: Magic Smile

First, we have the main mascot of Gogo’s, Mosh! Every Gogo has a short little description and “ability” which serves to give us a little peek at their personality. Additionally, each Gogo comes cast in at least 5 different colored plastics as well, but I’ll be taking the one they use in the sticker pictures (courtesy of the Gogo’s Crazy Bones Wiki) as the “official” color. In regards to Mosh, the cynic in me really wants to be all, “Boring!! His main personality trait is that he’s nice? Lame!!!” But it’s a kids toy god darnit, and he’s just so gosh-damned cute! I love his little white tummy and his funny head-nubbins and his asymmetrical eyes and big bracket-shaped smile :] He’s just such a lovable whatsit! I would absolutely be friends with Mosh, and he makes for a great face for the franchise. Also, his name seems to imply that he likes to mosh, which is kind of hilarious to me.

4/5

What? Mosh is evolving!

Name: Moshi

Description: Avoids confrontation. Always brings goodness and peace.

Ability: Peacekeeper

That’s right! Series 2 of the modern Gogo’s franchise is called Evolution, and while I’m not exactly sure of the finer details, basically they just reused all the molds and put different prints on them. Also, the gimmick for Evolution is the fact that half of the 80 Gogos in the series are molded in translucent plastic with embedded glitter. Pretty striking! What’s the Series 1 gimmick, you ask? We’ll get to it, don’t worry! Maybe not in this review, but we’ll get to it! OKAY, with that out of the way, I’m so happy for Moshi’s transition! It’s almost a complete transformation, what with the anime-style face and everything! I honestly find the unevolved form more charming, but I still think Moshi is pretty undeniably cute.

3.5/5

Name: Nasako

Description: Always cool because he has a special scoring technique.

Ability: Double Fast Hook

Nasako is a funny little boxer guy. That’s really all I can say. Not even his description is giving me anything to work with here, I mean, come on. What does that even mean.

3/5

Name: Nasoki

Description: Tries to make everyone laugh. Sometimes his looks scare the others a little bit!

Ability: Joker

Now a funny little boxer clown guy, you say? That’s more like it! And with x-eyes and an old-timey one-piece bathing suit no less! Looks like Nasako finally decided to finish Clown College and get his degree! Good for him. Good for him. 

4/5

Name: Sato

Description: Ready for the fight. Where’s the ring?

Ability: K.O. Punch

Sato is, in my opinion, a much better-executed funny little boxer guy. The absence of any facial features other than a big ‘ol sneer is very charming, as well as the single white star. It’s not clear whether that’s an eye or a marking or what, but I always read it as an eye, and I think that’d be pretty cute.

4/5

Name: Satori

Description: Always watchful in case action is needed.

Ability: Watchful Eye

Speaking of eyes, it seems one has come to dominate Satori’s entire head! The description tells us that they apparently act as some kind of sentry in case action is needed, but doesn’t say if they ever actually take action. Personally, I like to think they have some kind of eye beam that they can fire like “Beam of 10,000 Fists” or something like that.

4/5

Name: Okori

Description: Nobody knows what he eats, but whatever it is, it isn’t doing him any good.

Ability: Eating

Okori’s main deal seems to be eating but I can’t really say for sure. Wish they’d made it clearer. He kind of reminds me of a bug-eyed Domo. Remember Domo? I remember Domo.

3/5

Name: Oky

Description: Maybe some indigestion gave him a mushroom face.

Ability: Fungus Fury

I love how non-committal that description is. Like whoever wrote it was just like, “I don’t fuckin’ know, maybe some indigestion did it. Who gives a shit.” I for one am a big fan of this grumpy ‘gus. Maybe the reason the description reads like that is that Oky doesn’t give a shit either. Do you think his ability is some kind of spore blast or berserk mode or do you think it’s just him being generally aggravated? Even though I love cool special attacks, I find the latter more endearing.

4/5

Name: Tori

Description: Clever and fun. He likes to be the boss.

Ability: Jumps Walls

I always read that tan shape as a big smiling mouth, but on closer inspection, it’s presumably just a hole in a mask which reveals a very uneasy expression. As far as my opinions on this guy go, he’s cute, but also relatively bland.

3/5

Name: Racetor

Description: He loves sports and can calculate how to win any race.

Ability: Numeric Memory

This is a marked improvement in my opinion, as Tori has apparently turned into some kind of robot with what I assumed to be a speedometer for a face. However, as the description indicates, he’s some kind of sports statistics whiz, so maybe it serves some other function? Either way, I get the feeling this guy is probably banned from most sport betting circles, but maybe he doesn’t even care. Maybe he’s just satisfied knowing how it’ll all fold out, and he doesn’t need anything else. Pretty sweet design overall, even for how simple it is.

4.5/5

Aaaaand that’s all for part 1! See, there’s 80 of these buggers per series, so I’m gonna have to try and divide this into digestible chunks. It’ll take awhile this way, but let me know what you guys think! Is this a good number to do in a single review, or could I go for more? Or maybe it’s even too many! I can’t really know unless there’s feedback, so I’d really appreciate if you could take this straw poll. It’d really help!

[marvel-lucy]

The Walking Disaster, chapter 5

There’s really not enough Steve here, which is what everyone actually wants. Sorry. It’s entirely possible I’m a writing disaster.

All chapters are on the Walking Disaster Masterlist

I’m a bit drunk, OK. That’s why it’s happened. I mean, it could have happened to me stone cold sober, but this time at least I have an excuse.

I shove my feet into some shoes yes. Left foot, right shoe; right foot, left shoe. It’s dark too, there’s another extenuating circumstance for you right there.  So I’m sat down, I put my shoes on, I pick up my keys from the coffee table, I start walking towards the door, but my feet want to go in opposite directions, then I tread on the toe of one foot with the heel of the other, and fall straight onto the coffee table, smashing it like it was a stunt prop.  It’s loud, unexpectedly so. But even as I lie there, surrounded by bits of broken flat-pack, I distinctly hear the sound of Apartment 4’s door shutting, and footsteps walking down the hall.

Lucky escape, right.

There’s a big bit of me, the wine-fuelled, lust-laden, teen-hormone-filled bit of me, that wants to scramble to the door and pull it open, and run after him and accidentally trip and have him catch me in those strong arms, and hold me steady, gaze into my eyes and realise that there I’d been, all the time (well, a few weeks), right in front of his eyes. He’ll kiss me on my nose, and my hair will blow out majestically behind me (except for one bit that will cleverly hide my missing eyebrow) and then we’ll kiss and happily ever after will happen.  Yeah, OK, so I’ve thought about this a lot. But then there’s the other, logical, bit of me that realises in this scenario I’ll either miss him completely, or fall and knock him over, breaking his arm painfully, or he’ll catch me, and my hair will blow in my face and stick to my lips weirdly (but revealing my missing eyebrow) and he’ll look kinda weirded out, stand me back up, politely back away and move out, without leaving a forwarding address.

So instead, I lie there, feeling sorry for myself, until I fall asleep.

So now it’s Sunday morning and I feel even sorrier for myself. I wake up in a patch of overly-bright sunlight, hugging a broken table leg. I drag myself up to realise I have wood splinters stuck all over my face.  I take a long hard look at myself, pull off my mis-footed shoes, look at my apartment, and sigh.

Long, cold shower. Large, hot coffee. Plain, dry toast. Painkillers. Water. Crack open the window for some cool fresh air. Rethink life. I’m not religious but I offer up a generalised ‘anyone out there’ in the hopes of a little support, just in case. Then I sweep up my furniture, leave it in a garbage bag by the door ready to go downstairs.

Here’s the thing, me.  It ain’t going to happen. Life’s not a rom-com, and no meet-cute ever actually happens in real life. The boy next door marries someone else and the girl next door needs to do her laundry. So go do it.

Sunday morning laundry. Has there ever been a greater time to be alive? Super fun right! I collect it all up into a giant bag, and it feels like there’s every item of clothing I’ve ever owned in there. Which is why I’m wearing old pyjama trousers and the scraggiest t-shirt known to man. Dubious stains, badly placed holes, and an advert for some company I’ve never heard of. Yeah, I know, the meet-cute rules say if I’m dressed like this I’ll bump into him, right? But I’ve already told you, those rules don’t apply, so just shut UP brain.

I’m only one floor up, so there’s only two sets of stairs. Down to the lobby, then down to the basement. I’ve got my giant bag trailing behind me, a basket full of washing powder and a book and a cup of coffee juggled under the other arm. The bag slithers behind me, flumping down each step. The coffee sloshes a bit. Here’s the bit where a cute movie girl would slip on the coffee, or accidentally spill her surprisingly beautiful matching underwear all over the boy next door. Luckily my greying undies make it safely downstairs without mishap. I shove it all in the machine, I sit in a chair and drink my coffee and stare at my book for a while, then doze off.  Then I shove it all in another machine, doze off some more, then shove it all back in my bag.

Even my own brain is bored at this point, and it’s the one narrating this.

Then I flump it all back upstairs, bumping on each step two flights up, then I get there, and tuck the huge bag awkwardly under my arm as I reach for my keys.  My keys.  Which I last saw on the coffee table, before I broke it. The coffee table that is in pieces on the other side of my extremely locked door. Fuuuuuuuck. I was doing so well at avoiding the disaster clichés this morning too.

I’m not quite sure how long I stand there, basket in one arm, bag in the other, forehead resting against my door, softly whispering ‘fuck’ to myself. Let’s just say it was only seconds, OK. Allow me that much dignity. But apparently Sunday morning laundry is a thing, so who else do you think decides to do it? There he is folks, it’s Mr Apartment 4, Captain Handsome, the Meet-Cute that never was because we’ve already met and it sure wasn’t cute.

‘Are you… trying to walk through the door?’ He says that as if he actually thinks someone like me might try it. (I have. It doesn’t work. I still have a scar. Don’t ask, it’s a thing). I can’t even be bothered to lift my head up to be honest, so I leave my forehead resting on the door, and just rotate slightly. My hair catches as I turn.

‘Is your eyebrow supposed to look like that?’ I’m so done at this point, that I just smile. This is me, in all my glory. Run while you still can!

‘My keys, right now, are only four inches from my hand. But this door is slightly in the way of me getting them.’ I demonstrate which door I mean by banging on it slightly. With my head. I’m having a bad day, OK.

‘Ah. That explains the fuck. Um. What explains the eyebrow?’ He actually looks concerned, as if he’s genuinely asking, but actually, wait. His mouth is twitching slightly, and I can see he’s trying really hard not to laugh, but this is me, OK. I’m not going to be Nat. So he’s never going to like me, so I’m not going to try and hide it any more.  The bag slides out from under my arm and splits as it hits the floor, so my laundry slides like a wave across the hall, a shimmering wave of greying and holey sweatpants and sports bras, all mismatched of course. I put the basket down, and the washing powder tips over, and powder starts to pour out into a tiny mountain, just waiting for miniature skiiers to take to its slopes.  I. Don’t. Care. What’s the point in even trying?

This has only taken seconds, of course, and he’s still watching me but now he’s actually smiling. Ok, grinning. Woah, here comes a chuckle.

I turn around, rest my back against the door, and slide down it, until I’m sitting down. My feet knock over the powder mountain as I go, then end up resting in a pile of clothes.

‘I singed my eyebrow cooking. So I cut bangs to hide my eyebrow. Then I wore a cap to hide my bangs. But I was leaning out the window yesterday and my cap fell off. So I’m just wearing this brow with pride now.’

‘And the bandages?’  I look down at the greying bandages wrapped around my fingers.

‘Also cooking. The pile of wood inside my door wasn’t the result of cooking though. That’s the result of putting on my shoes. I am multi-talented in the inept department. I’ve won prizes for incompetence, but I lost them somewhere. I got a medal for most hospital appointments as a child but I swallowed it. I have lost my keys so many times that the super buys them in bulk. I am banned from all glassware shops in a three mile radius and when it’s icy, all local ER departments have a special cubicle set aside for me to have my bones set. My name is used in global alert systems to indicate an above ‘red’ level catastrophe. I am, to use the technical term, a freaking disaster.’

I look up to see how my rambling’s gone down, but he’s not there. Or not where I expect him to be anyway. His head is no longer six foot something up in the air, but is about level with mine.  He’s cross-legged on the floor, still with that toothy grin on, but he’s using his finger to poke around the washing powder, and he’s drawn a smily face with it. The bozo. Here I am being woeful and he’s cheering me up.

‘Is your window open?’

‘Um, yeah, why?’

‘So’s mine. You could go out my window, go along the fire escape, and let yourself in.  Or, I mean, you could live out here now. Either is fine.’

‘You’re suggesting that I, me, this person here, crawls out of an open window above ground level, walks along a rusting fire escape, pulls open another window, and crawls through?’

‘Yeah. It’ll be fun to watch. I’ll film it for YouTube.’

He’s definitely smiling at me now, but you know what, it’s OK. I don’t feel like blushing, I don’t feel like the butt of the joke, I feel like it’s OK to be chaos personified for a change.  So, I scoop up my laundry into the remains of the bag, and I go into his apartment. I’m not looking round, because that would be rude, but my peripheral vision is working way overtime taking it all in. There’s a load of art stuff, easels and paints. There’s a big TV and a laptop, and some unwashed mugs. It’s not that tidy, it’s kind of lived in and nice. Over by the window, there’s a sketchbook, the pages ruffled in the breeze, so I can’t see what he’s been drawing.

He slides the window a bit further up, and I stick one leg over the windowsill, and try to pull the other one over. I teeter for a little bit, but make it safely.  Then I make the mistake of looking down. I can see all the way down because there seems to be a lot of holes in this fire escape, and the bits that aren’t holes are mostly rust. But I’ve got this, I can do walking (let’s not remember the times I can’t).  I keep one hand on the wall, and try and stride purposefully along, but I’m doing these teeny little steps and when the metal lets out a kind of squawk, so do I.

I turn back for a second, and he’s got his head stuck out of the window watching. And yes, he’s filming it, just in case my plunge to the death can earn him a few dollars.  I’d make a rude gesture but I’m afraid of moving too much.

It’s not that far, so even at my glacial pace I make it to the window pretty quickly, then I wedge my fingers in the crack of the window and heave it up. I don’t get it very far, but I just want in by then, so I squeeze through, dangling half way for longer than is elegant, with just my backside and legs waving out of the window. I can definitely hear a snort and I really hope this doesn’t get uploaded anywhere.

Then I’m in, my head all red and sweaty from being upside down, and there’s my keys, on the shelf by the door, right where I’d put them for safekeeping while I cleared up my broken table. I grab them up, and I pull the window open, and I make my way back out.

Yes, you heard me.

I squeeze out of my own window, and I edge along the fire escape as it groans even louder, and the whole time Steve is watching me and doing that thing where you laugh so hard you can’t make any noise, so he’s just clutching at his chest and gasping. Thanks for all the help.

When I get to his apartment, he’s blocking half the window, hanging out of it. I edge past him, trying to get my leg over the sill, but there’s not much room so I end up tumbling through, and slowly sliding headfirst across his floor as my legs come into the room.  But I made it. I’m here.

‘You know…’ he’s squeaking, as he tries to catch his breath. ‘You could…. Oh god…. You….’  His hands are on his knees and his face is purple. I pull myself to sitting and wonder if I need to do the Heimlich manoeuvre, or CPR, or give him a shot from an epi-pen or something.  Finally he manages to heave in enough air and stands up, wiping his eyes.

‘You could just have opened your door.’

---

@patzammit @melconnor2007 @avengerscompound @kittyslove @badassbaker @phoenix21love @lbouvet  @bellenuit45 @prplprincez  @gingerrootknits @pineapplebooboo @feelmyroarrrr @avengerofyourheart @eyeofdionysus @hellomissmabel @learisa @mitra-k-w @imhereforbvcky @shaddixlife @supernatural-girl97 @iwillbeinmynest @amrita31199 @algud @whatsbetterthanfantasy @pixierox101 @edward-lover18 @madcheshire89  @heartfulloffandoms @chipilerendi @kenya-17 @mckorni32843 @amandarosemire @rda89 @nyxveracity @sea040561 @mrsalh32611 @ruinerofcheese @callmebucky-doll @vintagepigeon @bubbasmom @sassycanoodler @ladylorelitany @natcad @thisismysecrethappyplace @geeksareunique @mywinterwolf  @moderapoppins @rinthehufflepuff @holyfuckloueh @onebatch--twobatch @algud 

[evilrubberducke]

A Day Among Nerds

I haven’t been able to write much for the past couple weeks, but I’m getting back in to the swing of things. As usual, have some fluff of my favorite couple of dorks. Hope you enjoy!

Summary: When Mina notices Izuku is hiding something from her, it leads to a day that neither will be forgetting anytime soon.

Rated T for some use of language.

Read it on AO3!

The school day had only just begun, but Mina could already tell that something was going on with Izuku. Ever since class began, he had been even more distractible than usual. Normally, he made a point of paying attention in class, even during boring subjects. Today, however, Mina had noticed him staring out of the window rather than paying attention multiple times. If it was anyone else it wouldn;t have been that remarkable, but for Izuku it was a significant change in behaviour. 

Even still, she might have dismissed it if it weren’t for the rest of his behaviour. 

During third period, while Present Mic and Iida were engaged in a heated debate over the correct translation of some English poems, Mina caught Izuku checking his phone. He was trying to be subtle about it, and failing miserably, probably because he had next to no experience breaking the rules on his own. Their eyes met as Izuku looked up and Izuku froze for a moment. He stuffed his phone back into his pocket and looked away as quickly as he could, but the encounter stuck in Mina’s mind for the rest of the class. When they’d locked eyes, he had looked almost...guilty?

During the break he had been the first one out the door, despite his position in the class,and left her blinking in surprise. A quick glance towards Iida and Uraraka showed that they were just as taken aback as she was.

When he returned to class just before break ended, he looked even more nervous than he usually did. His fingers drummed an unconscious beat on his leg, and Mina could swear she saw a faint bit of perspiration on his brow. 

He was also sneaking glances at her whenever he thought she wasn’t looking. She caught every one of them, of course, thought she did her best not to let on that she could see him. While he stared, his nerves seemed to grow worse, and she could tell he was doing his absolute best to clamp down on his mumbling. 

There was only one real conclusion Mina could draw from his odd behavior, and it was one she really didn’t like. Izuku was trying to keep something secret, despite some part of him desperately wanting to tell her. 

Izuku was not the type to keep secrets, and especially not from her. He wore his heart on his sleeve nearly all of the time. True, Asui probably had him beat as the most honest person in the class, but Izuku definitely gave her a run for her money.

So, she decided, there was only one thing to do. She would have to shake him by the ankles until he started talking.

-

Her chance didn’t come until the end of the day. To his credit, Izuku proved to be extremely slippery. He’d manage to dodge her all throughout lunch, using some clever moves born of long years avoiding bullies. Their hero training for the day had been Quirk improvement exercises which meant she was on her own while she worked to improve the amount of acid she could expel and Izuku trained with Kirishima on their ability to give and receive damage, respectively.

When class was done, he tried to slip away once more, but Mina had grown wise to his tactics. The minute Izuku attempted to dash down the hall, Aizawa grabbed him by the shoulder and reprimanded the boy for attempting to run in the halls. Mina had learned months ago that while their teacher was not prone to enforcing the school rules when it didn’t affect him, his opinion could be swayed by a well placed bribe. Three weeks of no pranks or class disruptions was a hefty sacrifice to make, but it was a price she was willing to pay, given the circumstances.

By the time Izuku was free to go, everyone else had filled out of the class and were either on their way to the dorms to relax or to the gym to sneak in some extra training. The hallways were nearly empty as Izuku hurried down them, glancing behind himself periodically to make sure Mina wasn’t sneaking up behind him.

Instead, she popped out in front of him from her hiding place in the stairwell, and slammed a palm into the wall to bar his way. His reactions were fast enough that he didn’t get clotheslined, though he did stumble back a little bit in surprise. Mina took the opportunity to bring her other arm around him, guiding and trapping him against the wall.

“Afternoon Babe.” Mina said, her words as honeyed as she could make them without dipping into the territory of being actually threatening. Push him too hard and he would shut down before she could get what she was after. Push just hard enough though, and he would be putty in her hands.

“Good...uh...nice to…um...hi Mina.” His stuttering was as bad as she’d ever heard it. Perfect.

“Did you have a nice day?” 

“Uh...y-yeah? It was ok, I guess.”

“Really?” She was laying it on thick, but she didn’t mind too much. If Izuku was going to keep secrets from her, then he deserved a bit of teasing. “Cuz you weren’t looking so great during class.”

He laughed nervously. “N-no. I’m fine. I just….” his eyes were firmly glued to his shoes as he trailed off.

Mina placed a hand on his shoulder. She’d gotten her digs in, and now it was time to actually talk to him.

“Izuku, you know if there’s anything bothering you, you can talk to me about it, right? And I’ll help any way I can.” This time her smile was as warm and genuine as she could make it.

As she spoke, his eyes rose to meet hers, and his back straightened just a little bit. He wasn’t back to his old self, but a bit of his usual fire had returned.

“I know.” He said softly. “It’s….” He trailed off once more.

She waited for him to gather his thoughts, squeezing his shoulder reassuringly. Finally, he gathered the will to continue. It did make her a little happy to see him push past whatever was making him uncomfortable for her sake. Sure, he had taken some prodding to get there, but that’s what she did best. Help him push past his mental hang ups and live life to its fullest.

“I didn’t want to say anything, because I know you’ve been looking forward to our date this weekend, and I know it’s selfish of me to want to do something else, especially since I know you wouldn’t enjoy it, but people keep talking about how amazing it’s going to be this year, and it’s just so cool and-” As he spoke, the words came faster and faster, until he was practically babbling. 

“Midori, I’m going to need you to breathe for me” Mina said, placing a finger on his lips to cut him off. She waited for him to calm down slightly before continuing. “Wanna try that again?”

He nodded, but didn’t speak. Instead, he held out his phone for her to look at. She grabbed it gingerly, interested to see what had sent her boyfriend into such a tizzy. There was a long moment where her eyes danced across the screen, taking in every detail.

Then she burst out laughing.

“Midori, you are such a dork!”

The page that had given Izuku so much grief was an advertisement for “Mightfest 2319”. The hero might have retired, but his fans were still going strong apparently, and were planning on congregating in Mustafu that weekend to celebrate their favorite hero and probably purchase a ridiculous amount of merchandise.

It took Mina several seconds to control her laughter, and to look Izuku in the eyes once more. He still looked worried, but now confusion was written plainly on his face as well.

“I'm ...pfft… I’m sorry, but only you would get so tied up in knots over something so ridiculous.” She wiped a tear from her eye as she spoke. The intensity of her laughter had probably been over the top, but the whiplash of going from worrying over her boyfriend’s mental state to realizing the insane reason for his nerves had left her feeling a little giddy. “It’s a little cute, honestly.” She said with a grin.

Izuku seemed to deflate as the last of his nerves left his body. His concerns had proven to be unfounded, but they had been weighing on him for more than a week, and it was a relief to finally be done with them.

“I’m sorry” He apologized, his voice still quiet.

“Izuku, it’s fine. I’m not angry. Well, I’m a little peeved that you didn’t think you could talk to me about this.”

“I didn’t want to ruin our date.” He protested.

Mina shook her head. “Izuku, we were gonna get pizza and watch a movie. We can do that anytime. This is something that only happens once a year, right?” Izuku nodded in response. “And you really want to go, despite the fact that All Might himself is one of our teachers and you see him every other day?” He nodded again, although much more sheepishly this time.

“Well then, I guess we’re going to MightFest!” She grinned at the look of surprise and excitement that blossomed across her boyfriend’s face. 

“Mina, are...are you sure? I mean, it’s really nerdy, and it’s going to be super crowded, and there’s gonna be tons of people in costume, and I don’t want you to be bored or anything.”

Mina pretended to think for a moment, then nodded her head. “Here’s what I think. You really like this, and I really like you, and therefore, by the transformation property, I’ll enjoy it!” Izuku raised his finger as if to correct her on her misuse of mathematical terms, but thought better of it and give her a hug instead.

She relaxed into the embrace, though she sighed a bit internally. She wasn’t quite as enthusiastic about the change of plans as she had lead Izuku to believe, but she would be damned if she let him find out about that. 

A few months after they had started dating Mina had asked a simple question about one of the many figures that decorated his room. Izuku had lit up at her curiosity and started describing all the variations and features of his collection as well as the symbolism and history behind them. While Mina hadn’t particularly cared about the information, she had enjoyed watching Izuku become so animated as he talked about his figures. 

However, when he was part way through his collection, one of Bakugou’s explosions had echoed through the dorms, and Izuku had frozen mid sentence. It was like a switch had been flipped. He crumpled in on himself and started apologizing for annoying her.

Mina hated it. The Izuku she loved was happy, goofy, occasionally over the top, and all the cuter for it. She decided then and there that Izuku wouldn’t end up like that because of her. She was going to indulge his nerdy side until he never reacted like that again.

<And who knows,> She thought to herself as the pair made their way back to the dorms, Izuku busy plotting out exactly what activities they would be participating in, <Maybe I’ll actually enjoy myself.>

-

Mina actually balked as she witnessed the crowd that had assembled outside the Kiyashi Ward mall. The last time she had come here had been in the middle of the day just before the beginning of summer, but the crowd now made that one seem tame in comparison.

Everywhere she looked, Mina could see excited nerds chatting with each other about their favorite All Might costumes or poses, or other such topics. Almost every single one of them was decked out from head to toe in All Might merchandise, which made navigating the crowd somewhat of a headache.

Thankfully for her, a beacon of green stood out in the sea of red, white, blue and blonde. 

“MIDORI!” Mina called as she pounced on her boyfriend. He staggered slightly from the sudden embrace, but recovered quickly and returned her hug.  “Were you waiting long?”

The pair had originally planned to meet up before heading into the event, but Mina’s little brother had proven to be a little bother, filling her shoes with the viscous and sticky goop he was just starting to be able to produce, and causing her to run late. She’d texted Izuku to get started without her, letting him know she would catch up. 

He’d apparently enjoyed himself. He was already carrying a small plastic bag with several rolled up poster sticking out of it. At the rate he acquired merchandise, Mina was amazed his that there was still spaces in his room that weren’t plastered with the hero’s iconic smile.

“No...not really. I just checked out a few of the booths. There’s some amazing artists over there, and I saw one girl who had made an entire sculpture out of macaroni, and she said she didn’t use her Quirk for it AT ALL which is so cool, and then there was this guy ...”

Mina chuckled as Izuku spoke excitedly. All around her she could hear similar conversations from other super nerds as they filed into the event. For once, she realized, Izuku wasn’t the biggest nerd in the room.

-

“Uh...M-Mina. Can we...That is...do you mind if we...um...”

Mina cocked her head to the side, trying to puzzle out what exactly Izuku was trying to ask her. He’d been doing fine with his stuttering this afternoon, so this had come out of nowhere. 

“What’s that Midori?” She asked, leaning closer so he didn’t have to speak up as much.

“I..uh...wanted to...take a picture. With you. Over...there…”

Mina turned to where he was pointing, and a smile broke across her face. At the edge of the crowd was a display of a classic image of All Might and Sir Nighteye posing victoriously, their heads replaced with holes so people could pose as the iconic duo. A young woman stood nearby, offering to take photos for you in exchange for a few yen.

She grinned as she looked back to Izuku, who was still imitating a strawberry. Even still, she could see the look in his eyes that said this wasn’t some idle whim, but something he really wanted to do with her. 

<Well then, here we go!!> Mina grabbed Izuku’s shoulders, and began to push him towards the display. He served as an excellent battering ram and the crowd parted around them, though whether that was out of respect for their fellow con goers, or just them trying to avoid the heat of the furnace that was emanating from Izuku’s blushing face was up for debate. 

She tossed her phone to the photo girl, who caught it with surprising dexterity and gave Mina a thumbs up.

Whoever had set up the display had obviously thought ahead. There were a pair of adjustable stools for anyone who didn't measure up to the massive hero or his lanky sidekick. 

Izuku briefly and unsuccessfully tried to relinquish All Might's visage to Mina, but she was having none of it. She practically shoved his head through the appropriate hole, then did the same for her own. 

She craned her neck slightly to grin at Izuku while they waited for the photo girl to line up the shot. He looked a little put out by the rough treatment, but his frown quickly changed to a smile as he caught her gaze.

"Say Plus Ultra!" The girl called to them, and the pair flashed the biggest smiles they could muster. 

-

“You know, it’s actually impressive how many of these have Izuku blinking.” Mina mused as she reviewed the pictures while waiting for Izuku to return with some snacks.

There were quite a few to choose from, the photo girl had been very diligent in capturing multiple angles and facial expressions. Unfortunately, this meant she had captured more than a few awkward ones as well. From Izuku mid blink, to Mina looking cross eyed, there were a few stinkers that Mina intended to delete later.

There were, however, several that she really liked. One captured Izuku’s surprised blush as she pinched his butt behind the scenes. The objectively best photo showed them both with matching smiles as they stared into the camera.

But Mina’s favorite by far was the final picture in the series. Izuku hadn’t realized that there was one more photo being taken, and so he wasn’t posing at all. Instead, he had turned his head slightly to stare at Mina, while she was still smiling for the camera. 

He had a soft smile on his lips, and a light blush dusted his cheeks as he stared at her. That was adorable, but what really made Mina’s heart skip a beat was the look in his eyes. She wasn’t sure how the phone camera had captured it so well, but she could easily see that he was looking at her in abject adoration. 

She squeezed her phone tight to her chest as a light blush touched her cheeks once more. She’d send the rest of the pictures to Izuku once they got home, but not this one. 

No, this picture was going in a special folder that she kept, one that sparked warm memories every time she opened it. It was where she stored photos and texts from her boyfriend that really reminded her why she had fallen for him in the first place. 

Not just because he was attractive, funny, incredibly smart, loyal, dedicated, and completely adorable. It was because he was the most genuine person she had ever met. She never had to doubt where she stood with him, since he told her how he felt with everything he did. 

She looked up as a drink entered her field of view, and interrupted her thoughts. 

“I...uh… thought you might be thirsty.” Izuku said with a gentle smile.

Mina grabbed the refreshingly cool bottle gratefully, and took a long drink from it. 

<That settles it.> She thought happily <Best boyfriend in the world.>

-

Izuku began to vibrate with excitement as the announcement came over the PA system. 

"The Mightiest trivia contest will begin shortly. All contestants, please make your way to the stage in the next five minutes so we can begin promptly." 

Mina smiled at her overenthusiastic boyfriend. "Someone's looking excited. You think the contest is going to be exciting to watch?" 

He shook his head. "I'm uh...I'm a contestant."

Mina blinked in surprise. Izuku had mentioned that there were some events he wanted to take part in at the convention, but he hadn't named anything specific and Mina had expected something a little more laid back. He had made great strides in his social skills, but standing up in front of a crowd like this was still a step outside his comfort zone. 

"You are, huh? What's brought this on?"

"Oh! We'll, uh, I've seen some footage from previous fests, and it looked really fun. They have these really cool, in depth questions, so lots of super fans participate, and it's really cool."

Mina arched an eyebrow in his direction. She could tell he wasn't giving her the whole story.

He lasted nearly a minute before breaking under her stare. 

"There's a really cool All Might plushie that they're giving out as a prize." Izuku mumbled, pushing his fingertips together dejectedly. 

"There’s my favorite dork." Mina teased. "Think you've got a shot?" 

Izuku looked pensive for a moment, then nodded slowly. It wasn't exactly the enthusiastic response Mina had been hoping for, but she'd take what she could get. 

Another announcement played over the PA, letting them know they had only a couple of minutes to reach the stage. Izuku stood quickly, shaking a little in the knees, and made his way through the crowd with Mina following close behind him.

-

The set up for the trivia contest was actually quite impressive. It wasn't quite a professional level set, but it was close. They had a large screen strung above the contestants to let the crowd see the questions, as well as some smaller screens for the contestants to view. They each had a large red buzzer placed in front of them, the kind that made an irrational part of Mina want to run up and press just for the sake of pressing a button.

Izuku was even easier to pick out of the line of contestants than he had been on the floor. For probably the first time since Mina had met him, Izuku was wearing the least amount of All Might merchandise in the room.  He had on a t-shirt, of course, and an armband that he had bought as they toured the con. Everyone else on the stage was decked out in full regalia, including several in full cosplay, complete with muscle suits. 

Izuku was also easy to pick out, because he was looking even greener than usual. Apparently he'd worked himself into a fine state backstage. Mina had no doubt that he'd taken one look at the other contestants and had started to feel self conscious.

She shook her head. Izuku would be Izuku, even when he was among his people.

The hostess tapped her microphone, indicating the crowd to be quiet. As the noise started to die down, Mina could see that Izuku was still working himself into a tizzy. 

<Guess I'll have to do something about that> Mina thought to herself. 

She cupped her hands in front of her mouth, and shouted as loud and enthusiastically as she could. "GANBARE IZUKU!"

He visibly started at her call, but Mina could tell it has worked. His spine straightened, and his shoulders squared as she watched. He still looked nervous, of course, but it was leagues better than before. 

Sighing contentedly, Mina sat back and tried to get comfortable in the plastic folding chairs the event had provided. Time to watch Izuku kick some nerd butt.

-

"Holy shit Midori" Mina said in amazement.

Izuku had come in first place in the contest, like she knew he would. One girl in gender bent All Might cosplay had given him some trouble, but in the end Izuku's encyclopedic knowledge of his idol had proven superior. 

It wasn't Izuku's success that had surprised her, though. It was the reward for said success that had blindsided her.

The "plushie" that Izuku had won turned out to be a nearly life-sized recreation of All Might in his silver age suit. It was made of a soft and fluffy fabric that just begged to be hugged, and the stitched on smile was positively adorable with its faux chibi style. Grabbing onto it, Mina was instantly in heaven. It was just as comforting to hold onto as it looked. 

"Midori you have to try this!" Mina called, voice muffled by the cushy fabric and layers of stuffing. She had no doubt that she was drawing several stares, but she also didn't care one bit. 

She felt the plushie shake slightly as Izuku grabbed onto the other side. A moment later, his hand found hers and squeezed lightly. "I’m glad you like it." Came the muffled response. 

Mina popped her head out, though she kept her arms wrapped around the plushie and her fingers intertwined with Izuku's. "What do you mean?"

Izuku popped his head up as well, staring at her with a small smile on his face. "I...uh...the plushie. I wanted to win it for...for you." He blushed, and buried his face once more.

Mina could feel the blush rising in her cheeks. It wasn't anything to rival Izuku's magnificent strawberry impersonation, but she did turn a rather lovely shade of lilac. 

For the first time that day, Mina found herself at a loss for words. At this point, she should be used to Izuku's heartfelt gestures, but they still had a tendency to take her by surprise, and after dating Izuku for so long, Mina found that she quite liked surprises.

In a supreme effort of will, Mina detached herself from the plushie and made her way around to the opposite side. Izuku was still spooning it, an image that Mina saved in her memory to chuckle over later. Then, she wrapped him in as large a hug as she could manage. 

"Thank you, Izuku" she whispered to him.

It definitely wasn't what she envisioned a perfect day out with Izuku would be, but it was special in its own way. And for her, that was more than enough.

-

“Hey Midori?”

“Yeah?”

“How are we gonna get this back to the dorms?”

“...I may not have thought this through all the way”

[blurry-fics]

Chapter Five

Prove Me Wrong | Series Masterlist

Warnings: Profanity, minor sibling disagreement

Word Count: 1924

Author’s Note: Hey! I’m going to be at the beach today and I hate answering comments/asks on mobile, so if it takes me longer than usual to answer your comments, that’s why! Also The Hype music video? Loved it. Anyway, in the meantime, I hope you enjoy the chapter :)

You were going to do it. Finally. It was something you should have done a long time ago.

You were going to talk to a boy. One that wasn’t Tyler, to be exact. And it was going to be fine. Better than fine, even. It might actually be fun.

There were a couple empty seats towards the front of the lecture hall, so you dropped your stuff onto one of the tables and called it good. You were close enough to see the slides without being so close that you felt like the entire class could see your laptop screen.

A boy sat down next to you a few minutes before class started. His light hair was sticking out from beneath his black beanie and his cheeks had turned a light shade of pink from the cold outside. The glasses he was wearing had slipped down his nose, but he was quick to fix them once he had sorted out all his stuff. He was cute, you had to admit.

But he wasn’t Tyler.

“Um, hi,” you said, hoping your voice was loud enough to catch his attention.

“Hi.” His eyebrows furrowed for a moment, but relaxed again.

You completely blanked on something to say. If you were being honest, you hadn’t really expected yourself to get this far.

“I know it’s late in the term, but I figured I would introduce myself,” you smiled. “I’m Y/N.”

“Charlie,” he said, returning your smile. “Nice to meet you.”

“You too.”

“So, what’s your major?”

“Psychology. What about you?”

“History.”

“That’s really cool.”

“Most of the time,” he smiled. He had a nice smile. “Other times, you end up learning about ancient laws for a week straight.”

“Oh yeah, that doesn’t sound like a whole lot of fun.”

“Not at all. But psychology, that seems cool!”

He grabbed his laptop from his bag and set it on the table that you two were sharing. It was covered in tons of stickers, some of which were for bands that you also happened to like. Your plan was already turning out a lot better than you had expected it to.

“Your stickers are awesome!” you grinned. “Where did you get them?”

“My sister actually works for a print shop downtown, so she brings them to me every now and again. I could probably snag you a couple, if you wanted them?”

“Definitely.”

Charlie was about to say something else when the professor grabbed everyone’s attention. He made a face at you before opening up a document to take notes on, prompting you to do the same.

Yeah, this had been a good idea.

*     *     *

“Car! I’m home!” you called.

“I’m in the den!”

You kicked your shoes off by the door and ran up the stairs, taking them two at a time. Sure enough, Carter was sitting on the couch playing video games yet again.

“Do you ever move?” you laughed as you joined him.

“Only when I have to go to work or someone made food.”

“You’re a real piece of work, you know that?”

“So I’ve been told.”

You dug your laptop out of your bag and grabbed your psychology textbook. As tempting as playing video games with Carter was, you knew there were more pressing things that needed to be attended to.

“How was school?” he asked.

“Fine. I talked to a cute boy in my history class today.”

“Oh, did Tyler enroll in school again?”

“Hey!” you said, lobbing a pencil at him. “Shut up.”

“Sorry. So you talked to this new guy?”

“Yeah, and he seemed really cool. His laptop was covered in stickers.”

“Oh wow! Stickers!” Carter said sarcastically.

“And he gave me his number.”

“You should have led with that. A number is way more exciting than stickers.”

“I guess.”

“Alright, what’s the catch?”

“What do you mean?”

Carter paused his game so that he could shoot you a look, “Come on, Y/N. You haven’t spent the last ten minutes absolutely swooning over him which means that something is stopping you from falling head over heels for this dude. Does he talk too much? Are his pants too short? Hit me with it.”

Sometimes you hated that he knew you so well. Still, you decided to lie.

“There’s no catch. I just barely know him.”

“There is too a catch.”

“Is not.”

“Is too!”

“Is not!”

“Y/N, you’re a terrible liar.”

“Fine. Maybe there is.”

Carter sighed, “Just tell me.”

“Well, I mean, he’s not-”

“Tyler,” you finished in unison.

“Yeah,” you muttered.

“Are you really still on that, Y/N?”

“Man, if only I had a dollar for every time I heard that.”

“It’s a serious question.”

“Yes, I’m still ‘on that’,” you said, doing air quotes.

“Why?”

“What do you mean why, Car? It’s not like I can help it.”

“Y/N, you’ve liked him for - what - five years now? Surely something could have been done to help lessen those feelings a bit.”

You chewed on the edge of your lip. Carter was usually super understanding and helpful, but apparently today he just felt like being an asshole. In that case, you decided to deal him a taste of his own medicine.

“Is that why you’re still moping over Marenna breaking up with you six months ago?” you muttered.

“Hey! That’s different. Marenna and I dated for five and a half years. You know, as in actually dating?”

“But it’s been six months, Car,” you mocked his tone. “Don’t you think something could have been done to help lessen those feelings a bit?”

“God, Y/N, we’re not talking about that right now!”

“Are you actually going to listen to what I have to say, then?”

“Yes, fine,” Carter said, but he had gone back to playing his video games already.

“It’s just,” you paused as you tried to think of what you actually wanted to say. “Tyler is one of a kind, you know? Nobody has ever quite understood me the way that he does.”

“Have you ever even given someone else a chance to understand you like he does?”

“Well-”

“Because I would argue that I understand you almost as well as Tyler does.”

“Yeah, but you’re my brother. That doesn’t really count.”

“Sure it does. Plenty of my friends don’t know shit about their siblings.”

“I guess you’re just special, bud,” you said, lightly poking Carter with your foot.

“Get your gross sock away from me,” he laughed, giving your leg a light shove. “The point that I’m trying to make here is that other people can learn to understand you, you just have to give them a chance.”

“I’m going to try. Trust me, I’m just as tired of dealing with these feelings for Tyler as you are with hearing about them.”

“Are you going to actually make an effort with this Charlie guy?”

“Maybe.”

Carter turned to look at you, “I think you should.”

“And I think you should try to win Marenna over again.”

“I’m trying, Y/N. I really am.”

“Why did you break up again?”

“It was dumb,” he sighed. “I just bottled up a lot of my feelings again and then it all came out during a stupid argument. I should have just talked to her when the issue first popped up.”

“Yeah, you’re not very good about that.”

“Thanks for the reminder.”

“Anytime, bud.”

Carter shook his head and immediately let out a string of curses as someone killed him yet again. You tried not to laugh too hard at his over-the-top reaction, knowing that it would only piss him off more.

“Hey, Car?” you said.

“What?”

“Thanks for talking with me. It actually helped me a lot.”

“I may not be good at dealing with my own feelings,” he smiled, “but I sure as hell am good at dealing with other people’s.”

“Ok, moment is gone,” you laughed.

*     *     *

You grabbed your phone from the bathroom counter and slowly shuffled towards your room. The night was still young, but you were tired and looking forward to spending the next couple hours in bed and enjoying your freedom. Charlie had texted you about an hour ago, and the two of you had shared some nice conversation in the time since.

Charlie: I’m actually from Washington, but Ohio had a better history program than any of the schools in my area. Are you from around here?

Although you were enjoying talking with Charlie, you couldn’t help but feel that conversation was a little boring. Sure, you had only started talking today so you still had to get through all of the introductory questions, but even his answers were bland. Tyler always had such interesting answers to even the most basic of questions.

Tyler. It seemed that despite your best efforts, he had still found his way into your thoughts again.

Y/N: Yeah, I am! My dad works for a big company downtown so I’ve always lived in or around Columbus. My mom is also from around here so there was really never any reason for us to move since my family is close.

You sent the text and tossed your phone down on your bed while you waited for a response. In the meantime, you decided to go on Tumblr and see what new stuff had been posted since you last checked in. There were a few good posts that you decided to reblog, but you didn’t get far before your phone vibrated with a notification.

Charlie: That’s super cool! Ohio is a pretty cool place, from what I’ve seen so far. I’m definitely thinking about staying here over the summer just to see what it’s like!

You groaned and fell back onto your pillows. Charlie was really nice, from what you could tell, but he also had the tendency to make things all about him. It felt like you could barely get a word in about yourself before he switched it back to him.

Y/N: Columbus during the summer is the best! I would totally live here, if you get the chance. There’s a ton of cool things to do that you don’t really get an opportunity to during the colder months.

Fed up with the one-sided conversation, you decided to text someone that you knew wouldn’t let you down. This also just so happened to be the same person that you were supposed to be getting over your feelings for.

Y/N: Bored out of my mind. Entertain me!

Your phone vibrated hardly a minute later, making your stomach fill with butterflies. To your disappointment, it was only another text from Charlie.

Charlie: What kind of stuff happens? I’m always down for new adventures!

“Oh, Charlie,” you sighed. “If only there was some way for you to find out what kind of summer activities Columbus has!”

You set your phone on your stomach and stared up at the ceiling, just waiting for the moment that Tyler would text you back. He was usually pretty good about responding in a timely manner.

Sure enough, your phone vibrated a short time later.

Tyler: Want to hear about this prank I’m pulling on Josh?

Y/N: Obviously! :P

Tyler’s single text had already made you smile more than any of Charlie’s poor attempts at flirting with you. There just wasn’t a competition between the two of them: Tyler won by a landslide. You bit down on your lip as you read Tyler’s text, detailing his plan to prank Josh.

So much for your attempt to get over him.

*     *     *     *     *

Taglist

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[intothestarkerverse]

Time of Our Lives (Part Nine)

Based on a prompt from @geekymarvel  

Peter is tasked with an important mission that requires him to go back in time.   Finding himself at a gala for Stark industries in the 1990’s, he comes face to face with a young and incorrigible Tony Stark who considers Peter’s attempts to deny his advances a challenge.  Now, dogged by a horny young CEO who won’t take no for an answer, Peter’s task has become much more difficult….

(STORY CONTAINS ENDGAME SPOILERS)

Read on AO3

At first, Tony did not interrupt.  He wanted to commit every detail to memory, determined to learn where his future self had made mistakes and thereby avoid them completely.  He sat in stoic silence as Peter described everything he knew about Tony Stark’s life leading up to his capture by the Ten Rings and torture in Afghanistan.  It was a little sobering to hear Peter describing a lifestyle that was not entirely dissimilar to the one he’d been living right up to the gala where he’d first encountered Peter.  For some reason, he didn’t feel the same level of pride he used to feel at the use of the word ‘playboy’, and though Peter didn’t actually call him a jerk…because the kid would never, Tony got the distinct impression that everyone else in his life would probably choose that word first.

 Tony’s expression grew grim, darker and darker by degrees as Peter described his capture, his injury, and the operation performed by Yinsen to save him.  He found himself absently running a hand over his breast bone, flinching at the thought of the cavity that peter was describing, the small arc reactor.  Brow furrowed, leaning forward across the bed with a new intensity, he drank up the description of that first suit.  He had to bite back a grin at the thought and remind himself that he needed to hear the rest of his future before he ran off to the lab to try to duplicate the armor Peter was describing.  

It was good, really, that Peter had been such a huge fan of Tony Stark since he was a child.  He knew much more about Tony’s life than the average person from the 21st Century would have.  It made that familiar flare of jealousy flash through him, clenching his heart and making his throat feel obstructed.  He had to remind himself that the Old Man had just been training wheels to get him ready for the real deal.  He had pure, unadulterated Tony Stark now.  He didn’t need the old, watered down version anymore.

The betrayal of Obadiah Stane hit Tony like a physical blow, leaving him breathless and pale and clasping his hands into fists in his lap.  Sure, maybe Tony had depended on him just a little too much when it came to Stark Industries…apparently if he was going to be helping with the day to day operations all the way into the 21st century.  It was everything Tony could do not to immediately have the man removed from Stark Industries and detained for whatever crime he could prove and any he could frame him for…because he was guilty.  If not now, he would be soon enough.  At the moment, though, he wanted to hear more about his future than he wanted to put a stop to Stane.  For now.

The interruptions began with the birth of Iron Man.  Tony began to ask questions about the suit, about the heavy metal poisoning, about the Old Man’s escapades, his upgrades, and his enemies.  He was annoyed at the reappearance of Captain America.  “Oh, God, really?  That guy didn’t die, after all?  Too bad dear old dad bit the big one before he got to see Steve Rogers back from the dead.  He had such a hard-on for that guy.  I personally don’t see it.”

“Oh yeah, you’d never go for a super-powered goody-two-shoes on a mission to save the world, huh?”  Peter’s sarcasm was laced with a fair amount of self awareness that made the whole thing amusingly ironic.

Tony just scowled back at him.  “Please, Captain America is boring, and you, Beautiful, are anything but.  Now, back to the bedtime story, you little brat.”

The Avengers and the Battle of New York drew more interruptions.  Tony was a bit confused at the mention of Norse Gods and Incredible Hulks and, “21st Century Robin Hood sounds very counter-productive.  You really telling me he didn’t die on the first mission cause…that’s the most surprising thing you’ve told me so far.”

“Mr. Barton is pretty cool, Tony.  I mean…I don’t get the bow and arrow thing either, but it works for him.  And he’s got a sword now, which is also cool…”

“I don’t know if a sword is an evolution or a devolution, honestly.”

The wormhole drew a long sigh from Tony’s lips.  He pressed his fingers hard against his closed eyes and shook his head slowly.  “So, the Old Man…He just…I mean I get it.  I really didn’t know I had a latent Messiah complex, but I get it.  But that…that’s not where he died, huh?  Cause I didn’t hear any mention of you in that story.  Which means the Messiah Complex is an ongoing thing.  I blame Howard and the Captain America lectures.  I put no stock in psychology, but if I did…yeah, totally Howard’s fault.”

Peter just shook his head grimly and plunged on.  Extremis perked Tony’s interest more than it appeared Peter liked.  The kid seemed to be trying his damnedest to gloss over it…though those efforts were in vain.  Tony would be revisiting that particular piece of technology at some point very soon.

“Are you fucking kidding me?”  Tony’s exasperation was palpable.  “You’re telling me he blew up all of the Iron Man suits for the girl?  Seriously?”

“He loved Ms. Potts.”

“Well, if Ms. Potts loved him she’d have accepted that the Iron Man thing was important to him.”

“It’s not like it lasted long, Mr. Stark rebuilt them…”

“Good.”

Ultron drew a string of curses, all of them directed at his older self.  “I mean, sure, the concept sounds valid enough…but clearly the Old Man had forgotten all of the Asimov he’d devoured as a kid.  Basic Science Fiction folly, right there.”  Old Age was going to make him stupid.  Well, not stupid.  No matter what, no iteration of Tony Stark could or would ever be stupid…but he could definitely lose a few IQ points.

The Accords and ‘Civil War’ had Tony once more sitting in silence.  “Okay, it’s not that I don’t get it.  Cause I do.  If it were you…I’d do the same damn thing he did for the Winter Soldier guy…but…pretending that it was about the Accords and the world government so he could get the other goody-goody’s on his side…that’s the kind of self-righteous idiocy I honestly expect from that guy.  That they were all too stupid to see through it is really disappointing, honestly.  I hate that he’s every bit as holier than though as I always thought he was.  Ugh.  To fracture the Avengers just so he can save his friend…that’s so selfish that even I’m calling bullshit and you know it has to be bad, then right?  Why does the world think this guy is so awesome, again?  Ugh.  I’ve never even met him and I hate him.”

“He’s not that bad…”

“No, he’s worse.  Keep going, though.”

He sat up a little straighter when Peter entered the story.  Lips twitching in a smile at their first meeting, at the account of the battle on the tarmac.  “Ha!  You stole Captain America’s shield?  Kid, if I didn’t already love you…I’d sure as shit love you now.  The only thing I regret from the last six months is not seeing you kick more ass.  Honestly, Sweetheart, you’re a fucking bad ass and I find it so damn sexy.  When all of this is said and done, I’m going to figure out that Old Man’s armor and we’re going to have some fun making this world a safer place…cause I have got to watch you work.”

Peter turned a dozen shades of crimson, but his smile was very pleased.  “I’d like that.”

But first, they had to continue with the future history lesson.  Tony’s good humor was forgotten as Peter continued to tell his tale.  He gave the kid credit, though, he didn’t mince any words in the telling.

“So you had an entire fucking building dropped on you and fought some whack job on a moving plane in a pair of sweats because the Old Man was teaching you a lesson?  About what?  Responsibility?  That’s a riot.  You’re the most responsible person I’ve ever met.  Maybe if he didn’t have his head up his ass, ignoring your calls, sending you to middle management…Peter, seriously, the future is fucked.  I am not going to become this guy.  I don’t even think I like him.”

“I don’t think Mr. Stark liked himself very much, either, to be honest…so that actually…kind of makes sense.  But, you know, you’re not being fair to him.  He made a lot of mistakes, but he did a lot of things right, too.  Having a building dropped on me sucked, but it taught me a lot.  It was a lesson I needed to learn, honestly.”

“If you say so…”

“I do.  I do say so.”

They had to take a break before Peter delved into their trip to space and battle on Titan.  Tony poured him a glass of scotch that he sipped in silence whenever the story became too much for him.  Tony didn’t say a word at all until Peter haltingly described what it was like to vanish. Tony could do absolutely nothing to keep the tears from falling.  The idea of losing Peter was the worst thing he could think of, and though he didn’t much care for the Old Man or his methods…he knew that some part of him clearly cared for the kid.  Watching him vanish…that had to be soul shattering.  “The future is fucked, Peter, because I’m not letting any of this happen to you.  None of it.”  The promises were spoken through gritted teeth, a vein in his throat bulging at the sheer intensity of his determination.

Peter just gave a sad smile, “Too late.  Already happened.  Even if we change the future…I don’t think you can get rid of my memories, Tony.  Besides, if it hadn’t been me than it would have been someone else…maybe someone with kids or something.  I didn’t…I didn’t miss a lot when I was blipped out of existence.  May and MJ and Ned, they all blipped too.  Other people…they probably missed a lot,or they would have.  I wouldn’t…I wouldn’t want to stay if it meant someone else had to go in my place.”

“God, kid, forget too good for me, you’re too fucking good for this world.”  God, he loved the way Peter blushed when he got the compliment just right…

It was Peter’s turn to cry as he recounted what happened to the Old Man in the five years that Peter missed, about his marriage to Ms. Potts and his daughter, about the invention of time travel and the hunt for the stones, about Peter’s return and the final battle against Thanos.  “I’ve never…talked about this with anyone.  May tried to get me to…and Happy…but I just…they wouldn’t understand.”

By the end, Peter was on Tony’s lap, tucked against his chest, head resting on his shoulder as he cried and Tony whispered soothing words in his ear.  “It’s okay, Baby.  You can cry if you want to.  Long as you want to.  Cry.  Scream.  Whatever makes you feel better.  I got you.”  

“Still think I’m a bad ass?”  Peter’s voice was stuffy and muffled against his chest, but Tony heard him clearly enough.

“You’re the toughest, bravest, most amazing person, Peter.  So good.  Best person I’ve ever known.  Dad always thought Steve Rogers was the best a man could be, but that was because he never met you.  Steve Rogers volunteered for everything that was done to him.  He signed up for it.  You?  You had it thrust on you, accepted all of this responsibility that should have never been put on you…and you just carried it.  Gracefully.  You’re the definition of the word hero, Peter Parker.”

Peter let out a muffled laugh that turned into a sob that devolved into him clinging to Tony like his life depended on it.

Gently stroking a hand through the boy’s curls, Tony continued to whisper into his hair.  “The Old Man needed to be tortured and almost killed to want to become Iron Man, but all I needed to do was meet you.  You understand that, Beautiful?  The future, my future, is going to be better because you’re in it.  You’re the missing piece.  My missing piece.  Honestly, I feel sorry for the Old Man.  He had to go through his entire life never knowing what it felt like to be whole…”

—

Work continued on the Nullifier.  Tony was right, for once they did appear to be making headway.  After two more months of intense work. Two months of Tony secretly trying to compose a plan to keep the two of them together despite whatever these Stones might do to rip them apart.  Two months of Tony sketching plans for that armor whenever he thought Peter wasn’t paying close attention to him.  Two months of them savoring every moment together as they both secretly believed that it might be their last.  When the final simulations came back successful, there was nothing to do but stand in front of the computer and let the realization soak in.

“So that’s it.  We…fixed it.”

Tony gave the boy a sidelong glance, noting that he had not even attempted to hide his disappointment about that.  “Guess so.”

“So…it’s probably over, then.  Tonight…he’ll probably come and he’ll…take me away.”  Peter had his arms wrapped around his stomach, his tone grim, his face pale.  The sight was like a dagger to Tony’s heart.

“Hey,”  He turned around, tugging Peter closer and embracing him tightly.  “What did I tell you, Beautiful?”

“You’re gonna fight…”

“Do you trust me?”

“Of course, but…”

“Nope,”  He tilted Peter’s head up for a kiss.  “If you trust me, then trust me.”

“Do you…do you have a plan?”

“Don’t worry about that.”

“So, no, you don’t.”

Tony just chuckled, “Baby, my plan is to stay with you, okay?  Don’t know how I’m going to do that yet, but I will.  When opportunity presents itself, I will.  We just fixed a machine that should have never worked, Kid.  We did something I thought was impossible six months ago.  Next to that…defying all of space and time to be together is going to be a cake walk.  Promise.”

But that night, when the two men were finally able to drift off to sleep, it was not Peter who found himself face to face with Tony Stark and the Infinity Stones.  

Not Peter at all.

There was no mistaking him.  It was like looking in a mirror.  An older, but no less attractive reflection of his own face staring back at him.  With a grimace of righteous fury, Tony charged the distance between them and threw a mean right hook directly into the other man’s face.  Too bad it was a dream and he wasn’t real, because there was nothing Tony wanted to see more than a black eye on that old, handsome face.

“What kind of sadomasochistic bullshit is this, Old Man?  Was this your plan all along?  You put the kid right in my fucking path.  Line of sight.  I couldn’t miss him, even if I wanted to.  And you knew!  You knew he had a thing for you all those years, you knew I wouldn’t be able to fucking resist that beautiful, perfect boy.  You determined to finally get to fuck the kid one way or another?  Was that plan?  Well guess what?  You monumentally fucked up…which, given your history is par for the fucking course with you, isn’t it?  Cause I love that kid.  I didn’t want to.  I tried not to.  But I love him.  For Peter…to keep him, I’d do anything.  I will do anything.  You and your fucking magical stones don’t have to give me a happy ending with him because I’m going to fucking take it myself and there’s nothing you can do to stop me.”

“Are you done?”  God, was it possible to hate even the sound of your own voice?  Tony scowled at the older man, at the sarcasm and the irreverence in his tone.

“You’re a piece of shit, Old Man.”

“Yes, I am.”

“I hate you.”

“Self hatred is nothing new to us, Kid.  You’ll find out soon enough.”

“Except I won’t, because I’m never becoming you.”

“We’ll see.”  The Old Man crossed his arms, eyebrow cocked, waiting in the silence.  When Tony didn’t venture to fill it with anymore bile, he continued.  “The Nullifier is done, so now we need to use it.  Peter can’t do that alone.  It’s too dangerous.  He’s going to need back up.”  As Tony inhaled, the Old Man held up a hand to silence him.  “Let me finish.  He needs back up, and while I know you think you can be that back up…you can’t.  You’re not Iron Man, yet.  You’re not Earth’s Greatest Defender, yet.  You haven’t fought aliens, yet, and me…I’ve done all of those things.  I am all of those things.  So, you’re going to let me hijack your body for a field trip to the Heart of the Universe.  That way, the Nullifier can be activated, the universe can be saved, and Peter doesn’t have to die in the process.  Everyone wins.”

“Like hell!  I’ve seen how possession works, Old Man, and I’m not letting you anywhere near me…”

“Than Peter is going to die.”

“What…”

A simple shrug of the shoulders and Tony was exercising a conscious effort not to slug him again.  “He does this alone and he dies.  Simple as that.  No way he can do this and come out the other side unless he has me at his back.  You can’t use the armor yet.  You don’t know how any of it works and REM is not enough time to teach you.”

“I can…”

“You can’t.  Believe me.  You can’t.  So what’s it going to be, Kid?  We’re running short on time here.”

Tony stood in silence, mind spinning.  His options did appear to be severely limited, but it was possible…however unlikely, that this was his chance to do the very thing he’d promised Peter he’d do.  Outsmarting his older self seemed incredibly unlikely, and from the look in the older man’s eye, there was already a great deal of suspicion between the two of them.  Wouldn’t a shrink have a hay day with that?  Maybe Tony had more issues than he thought he did?  Soft science or not, a therapist might not be a bad thing if he wanted to avoid becoming just like the Old Man in a few decades…  “All right, but I have two conditions.  No negotiations.  I want to remain fully aware and sentient to everything happening around us, complete access to you and what you’re thinking,…and I want a manual override.  Just one.  So that if at any point I feel like you’re doing something that could get us fucking killed, cause let’s face it…you’re really good at that, than I get to take over and exercise self preservation.”

The Old Man narrowed one eye.  “Don’t do something stupid, Kid.  You were never meant to meet him.  I gave you a gift…”

“You get to keep gifts.”

“Well, you don’t get to keep Peter.  He has a life.  He has a future.  Neither one of those involve us.  I’ll give you your awareness and your one manual override, but it won’t do any good.  When this is all said and done, you’re going to end up exactly where you belong and that’s not with Peter Parker.  You’re right, I did fuck up, I didn’t expect you to fall for him.  I thought you were too much of a self-obsessed asshole.  My mistake.  But Peter is going to back to 2023 and he’s going to become a hell of a hero without us.  Either one of us.  Keeping him with you in 1992 is not an option.  People need him…and in the future, you need to die.  It’s literally the only way there is a future.  It’s you against me.  You against the Stones.  You against the Universe.  This is one battle you’re going to lose, Kid.”

“We’ll see.  I’m not giving up just because you tell me to, Old Man.  I’m Tony Fucking Stark, and nobody tells me what I can and cannot do…not even Tony Fucking Stark.”  Because the Old Man had given him an idea.  Without knowing it, midst his self-righteous sass, he had given Tony the answer to the problem.  He’d been looking at things all wrong.  The Old Man was right about a lot of things, and that just meant Tony was looking at this the wrong way.  With a new outlook on the equation, the answer didn’t seem quite as hopeless.  What was it Peter had said to his parents, something about things only being impossible when you stop believing their possible.  

He knew what he had to do now.

He just had to figure out how the hell to do it.

—

Peter stirred in the bed, frowning in his sleep as his hands slipped across the silk sheets in search of the body he was now so used to finding himself tucked alongside in the morning.  When he encountered nothing but cold, empty bed, he forced his eyes open and peered around the room blearily.  When he spotted the figure in the chair beside the window, his frown only deepened and he pushed himself into a half-seated position, now fully awake.  “Tony?”

“Morning, Kid.”

Peter felt a chill prickle down his spine and he instinctively reached to pull the sheet up higher on his chest.  “Mr. Stark?”  There was no hiding the wariness in his tone.

“Gotta say, Underoos, I much prefer the last greeting to this one.”

“Lot’s happened since then.”  Peter’s gaze shifted to the floor beside the bed and he reached out to scoop up Tony’s shirt where it had been haphazardly discarded the night before in the throes of passion.  He felt better once he’d slipped it on.  A pair of boxers were scavenged from the floor as well and after contorting a little under the sheets, he no longer felt completely vulnerable in his mentor’s presence.  “How are you doing this?  How are you in Tony’s body?  What are you…what are you planning?”

“Baby Stark and I came to an agreement.  You need my help to finish this.  Neither one of us want you dead, and since you can’t do it without me…here we are.”  He made a half-hearted gesture to body he now inhabited.  Peter still looked pensive, regarding the man with more than his fair share of mistrust.  

“What…what are we going to do now?”

“Deliver the Nullifier to the Heart of Universe and reconstitute the Stones before the universe ends.”

“Wouldn’t you be better off with someone who’s good at space stuff like Starlord..”

“That guy’s a jackass.”

“Yeah, but he knows space ships and space and aliens…”

“You’re the only one I trust, Kid.  It’s you, or no one.”

Peter could no longer say the same.  He let out his breath in a little huff and nodded slowly.  “Okay…so…why can’t I do this alone?”

“The Heart of the Universe is a dangerous place.  It’s where the Infinity Stones were created, where life and the universe began.”

“The Big Bang?”

Mr. Stark nodded solemnly.  “We don’t do this just the right way…the energy from the Stones manages to pierce the Heart of the Universe and what we get is the opposite of the Big Bang.  Universe is over.”

Peter grimaced, “Than why are we using the Nullifier there…”

“Because the energy is almost there…and the space station is the best place to work from…”

“Space station…”

“The Heart of the Universe was discovered thousands of years ago by a race of aliens who called themselves the Celestial Order.  They constructed an entire civilization around it’s containment field and spent the last several millenia trying to harness it’s power so that they could force peace upon the universe and dispose of chaos once and for all.  They never succeeded in breaching the containment field…which is good for us, because they could have done some serious damage to the universe if they had.”

“Peace doesn’t sound so bad.”

Mr. Stark could only give a wry chuckle.  “It never stops at peace, Pete.  People always have good intentions, but they always end up giving in to selfish desires…”

“Kinda like you?”

“What did you just say to me, Kid?”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Stark, it’s just that…there had to be a better way.  Putting me here with him…you had to know how I felt about you.  You had to know how I’d feel about him.  I just…it’s not fair, is it?  Because now I have to decide and, Mr. Stark, I have decided.  Hard as it is.  I��m staying here.  With Tony.”

“Like Hell you are.  What about May and Ned, hmm?  How are they going to feel if you don’t come home?”

“I’ll come home.  I mean, I won’t be dead in 2023, will I?  I’d just be…well, I’d be a lot older, but I wouldn’t be dead.”  Peter had given this a lot of serious thought.  He knew what he wanted and he didn’t intend to take no for an answer…

“And the future?  If you’re here with him through all of that the future is fucked.”

“The future is already messed up, Mr. Stark.  Tony’s already so much different than you…”

“Is that so?  You really think you can change me that much, Peter?”  His laughter was actually bitter now.  “And what about Morgan?”

That had Peter lapsing into uncomfortable silence.  “I…I don’t know…”  He’d tried very hard not to think about her, because he couldn’t bear the thought of her not existing and for her to exist…

“You’re going back where you belong, Peter.  Back to the future.  Whether you like it or not.  You don’t get a say in this.  It isn’t a choice you get to make.  You don’t belong here.  You don’t get to be in his life because you were never supposed to be…”

“Than why did you put me here?  What good is it going to do to put me back when Tony has already changed?”

“Because Baby Stark won’t have changed, Peter.  Not when everything is said and done.  As soon as the Stones are reconfigured, as soon as they’ve been properly hidden, they’re going to enact a latent protocol I put into place to make sure the future remains unaffected.  The Tony Stark of 1992 is going to have his memory wiped, him and anyone else you had contact with that could alter the course of the future.  To Baby Stark, the last six months will have been a blur of sex and drugs and nothing else.  When he meets you recruiting for Germany, he’ll have no memory of ever seeing you before.  Jarvis, Fury, Happy…no memories of you that could alter the future.  It’s like you were never here at all.”

Peter felt as if he had been punched in the gut.  He struggled to catch his breath, bracing his elbows against his knees and resting his head in his hands.  He didn’t even realize he was crying until he felt a hand on his shoulder.  Jerking away from the touch, he shot an angry glare at the man.  “You don’t get to touch me.  Not looking like that.  Not after what you said you’re going to do.”

“I fuck things up, Kid, that’s what I do.”

“You know, I never really believed that until now.”

[snowyfrostshadows]

Easier Said

“I wouldn’t call your bet stupid…”

“Oh yeah?” Matthews shot him a look that was half glare, half resignation. “What would you call getting Captain Grif to give me an honest to god compliment within the next twenty four hours?”

Bitters couldn’t help wincing slightly at his friend’s phrasing.

“….hopeless.”

“-And when I win, you have to not only admit how lazy your Captain is, but you have to tell my Captain how awesome and cool he is to his face.”

Matthews’ face darkened as he actually stood up to lean over the still sitting Palamo. “Fine.” He practically snarled, ‘But when I win, you have to tell your Captain that you’ll be taking relationship advice from mine since he gets more action in a week than yours has in his entire life.“

Palomo stared slack-jawed up at Matthews, reply clearly lost at the normally reserved and polite private’s ruthless terms. To be fair, the only one not staring at Matthews was Bitters, who was taking advantage of his friend’s glare fest at the other lieutenant to swipe his drink and downing it. If Matthews was at the point of picking fights, then any more alcohol in his system would probably kill him.

“I-you-Fine!” Palomo sputtered out. “Not that it matters, cuz the chances of you winning are slim to none!”

Matthews’ expression somehow managed to darken even more. “We’ll see about that.”

And with that, Matthews spun on his heel and left the mess hall, not even bothering to wait for a response from Palamo.

Bitters sighed. He should have known better than letting Palamo sit anywhere near them. Green Team’s lieutenant had a habit of annoying just about everyone around him. It really had been too much to hope that Matthews would somehow be immune to him.

“We win, I get your dessert rations for a month.”

“Wha-?”

Not bothering to wait for a full reply, Bitters also got up and left. Like a true maverick.

By the time he caught up to Matthews in their shared room, his friend was already passed out in his bed.

The responsible thing would be to wake him up and make sure that Matthews was actually aware of what exactly he’d gotten himself entangled in this time and figure out some way of fixing or undoing it. But, Bitters was not in a responsible mood tonight nor did he want to hear Palomo bragging over a ‘easy win’ so soon.

Deciding to just let Matthews wake him up for training in the morning and dealing with it then, Bitters headed for his own bed.

With as early a riser Matthews was, he figured they’d have enough time to figure something out.

                                                          …

Matthews did not wake him up.

In fact, for the first time that he could remember, Bitters got up first.

At least, that’s what he thought until he took a closer look at Matthews and realized the blonde was awake and just staring at the ceiling.

“…Kyle?”

“Mm?”

“…You doing okay?”

“Depends. Did I really get into a shouting match with Palamo that ended in a stupid bet or was that just a nightmare from too much alcohol?”

“No, that bout sums it up.”

Matthews groaned as he covered his face.

“…you could take it back?”

Matthews shot him a dirty look. “And listen to Palamo go on about how great his Captain is and that he feels sooooo bad mine can never measure up?” He snorted. “I’d rather go one on one with Locus than that.”

Bitters gave a small grunt of agreement. Compared to sitting through a three hour spiel from Palamo, anything seemed like a cakewalk.

“So. Any idea on what you’re going to do next?”

“Maybe stay here. Never leave the room. Can’t lose a bet if the other party never sees you again.”

Bitters gave his friend a long look.

“That’s it? That’s your plan?”

Matthews shrugged. 

“Christ Kyle! You can’t be hung-over enough to think that’d actually work?”

“What else am I supposed to do?!” Matthews wailed “I made a stupid bet because Palamo wouldn’t shut the fuck up and drunk me forgot that Captain Grif would rather run laps than give me an actual compliment! I’m not you!”

“He doesn’t exactly compliment me either Kyle.”

“But he made you his lieutenant! That might as well be a compliment!”

Bitters snorted. “He’s also kind of nuts. I can walk right out of training and he’d give me a thumbs up or something.”

“Exactly! He likes you and nothing I do is right! Palamo is never going to let me live this stupid bet down.”

“I wouldn’t call your bet stupid…”

“Oh yeah? And what would you call getting Captain Grif to give me an honest to god compliment within twenty four hours?”

“…hopeless.”

Matthews made a strangled angry sound before turning to face the wall.

Normally that would be the end of the conversation as Bitters waited for his friend to get over himself and bounce back to being his usual annoying, optimistic self but something Matthews had said wouldn’t leave him alone.

'I’m not you’

Which, yeah. Was obvious. Matthews was bit of a kissass to Grif. Bitters couldn’t care less what their Captain thought of him. Matthews was physically incapable of not following an order while Bitters had yet to follow one without dragging his feet first.

But, they weren’t complete opposites.

They both enjoyed the less than strenuous training Gold Team offered. Matthews could be amazingly (and even terrifyingly) protective of his food and even Bitters had some small fraction of respect towards Grif.

The longer Bitters mulled over these facts, the less The Idea seemed absurd. Heck, if they could pull this off, the amount of obnoxious rubbing in Palamo’s face it’d provide was almost (almost) worth more than the other lieutenant’s desserts and hurt pride.

“Hey Kyle.”

“Mrrgh.”

“I know how you can win that bet.”

A small squeak on Matthews’ bed was the only indication Bitters had his friend was listening.

“You can be me.”

Silence, then “The fuck is that supposed to mean Antoine?!”

Bitters released a long suffering sigh. “And to think, everyone thinks you’re the smart one. Simple. We trade armor for the day.”

“……that couldn’t possibly work…could it?”

Bitters shrugged. “I don’t see why not. It’s not like Grif’s ever seen us out of armor before and I think we know one another well enough to impersonate each other for at least a day.”

Matthews frowned. “…what about talking? I’m pretty sure this whole thing would be over once one of us opens our mouths.”

“Easy. You don’t talk, I’ll tell everyone you’ve got a cold or something and I” Bitters shot Matthews a smug grin as he lowered his voice into a rough approximation of his friend’s voice. “Imitate you.”

While not perfect, it was a good enough imitation to pass if you’d only heard Matthews once or twice in passing or if you didn’t care enough to investigate further. Instead of being impressed by this rather amazing secret ability of Bitters’, Matthews looked furious.

“You told me that wasn’t you!”

Oh. Right. He had used that skill before to 'volunteer’ Matthews for extra watches and other boring tasks. Whoops.

“Eh. You would have done that stuff anyway.”

“Well yeah, but only if was actually me volunteering in the first place and not my so called friend setting me up for MORE work!”

Bitters held his hands up in a placating gesture.

“And that was wrong of me and I feel just horrible about that.” Aside from a disbelieving snort, Matthews didn’t interrupt him. Bitters chose to take that as a good sign. “Now, we could either spend the next week arguing over it or put my impressive impersonation skills to good use and go with the plan most likely to end with you rubbing in Palamo’s face how much better our Captain is than his.”

Matthews’ pissed off expression shifted towards a more thoughtful one. Good. He was wavering. Time to pull in the ultimate trump card.

“Think about it Kyle. Compliments from Captain Grif. All. Day.”

And with that, the last of his friend’s resolve crumbled.

“Fine. But if we’re going to pull this off, we have to be at the top of our game. No slacking, Bitters.” Matthews couldn’t help the smug glee that crept into his voice “As everyone knows, I don’t slack off.”

Maybe. Just maybe, they could win this.

                                                          ….

Grif raised an eyebrow as he watched the last two members of his squad come into training nearly an hour late. Which, wasn’t much of a surprise in Bitters’ case. The lieutenant was a maverick after all. Matthews being late on the other hand was much more shocking. Usually the kissass in training was the first one here, setting things up so Grif wouldn’t have to.

Until today apparently.

“About time you two showed up. I’m actually a little disappointed in you Matthews. Expected more from you.”

Instead of blubbering apologies right then and there like normal, the kid just stared. To be fair, both kids were staring at him, but coming from Bitters, that wasn’t much of a surprise. His lieutenant wasn’t exactly the chatty type in the mornings. But Matthews…

Suddenly, Bitters elbowed Matthews in the side causing him to cough a little.

“Sorry Sir. We uh had a late night drinking. Well I did, Bitters wasn’t feeling well so he retired early and I uuuuh…overslept? But once I realized how late it was, I rushed both of us out here because I’d hate to ever disappoint you Sir!”

Grif glanced over at Bitters for confirmation only to find his lieutenant staring up at the sky, clearly wishing to be anywhere but next to Matthews. Which, Grif could absolutely agree with.

“Aside from the fact that you apparently drink, fine. I’ll forgive your lateness this one time if you promise to never repeat this grave transgression again.”

“Oh of course Sir! Consider this an important lesson learned!”

Cripes. The kid actually saluted at that. Even Bitters thought it was overkill judging by the embarrassed flinch of his shoulders. Normally Bitters had his reactions hidden to a T.

“Whatever Matthews. Bitters, I want you to direct drills while I observe from ov-”

“Aaactually Sir.” Matthews interrupted. Actually interrupted. The hell???? “Bitters can’t talk today. His throat’s super sore from coughing all night.”

Grif stared at the two of them. Between Bitters looking as if he was wishing the ground would open up and swallow him (a fair feeling considering how closely he was standing next to Matthews to be honest) and Matthews rocking on the balls of his feet, something seemed…off.

It was probably nothing, but it couldn’t hurt to keep an eye out for whatever they (most likely just Bitters) were planning.

“…fine. Let everyone know they’ll be doing laps in ten minutes or so.”

Matthews gave him another salute. “Ab-so-lutely Sir! You can count on me!”

As the two of them walked off, Grif could have sworn he heard a groan from Bitters. And while it was good to see some things never changed, Grif couldn’t help wonder if it was proof of Matthews’ claims of the lieutenant being sick. The maybe groan he heard was a tad deeper than he normally heard from Bitters.

                                                           …..

“What the fuck was that Bitters!?” Matthews hissed at him over their private com.

“Uh, me being you? Duh.”

“I do not sound like that!”

“Overly peppy? Practically falling over yourself to please Captain Grif? Saying 'Sir’ every other word? That’s you dude.”

“Is not! I am not that obnoxious sounding!”

“HEY REEDS!”

“What are you doing?!”

“Proving my point.” Bitters muttered before raising his voice to the other solider who looked way too confused at being addressed by 'Matthews’ for Bitters’ liking. For God’s sake, Matthews wasn’t that much of a recluse.

“…yeah?”

“Bitters and I are having a little debate and need help resolving it. Impersonate me.”

Reeds just stared at them. “You want me to…what?”

“Impersonate. Me. God’s sake Reeds, pretend you’re me, it’s not that hard. A fucking Fed could probably do it.”

Beside him, Matthews shook slightly as he held back a laugh. How the nerd wasn’t more popular in their little squad boggled Bitters’ mind sometimes as he actually had a pretty good sense of humor. Ah well, it was their squadron’s loss.

“…I uh. Okay. Um….'Oh wow Captain Grif! You’re sooooooo amazing! I wish I was half as cool as you! Do you want me to draw you up some battle plans? Steal, I mean fetch food for you? I can do both!’ …..do you erm, want me to keep going?”

Bitters snuck a look at Matthews. If they weren’t currently wearing helmets, Bitters was ninety percent positive there’d be an extremely pissed off look on his friend’s face. Making sure he was on their private channel first, he couldn’t resist the urge to rub salt in the wound.  

“What do you think Kyle? Should he keep going?”

“Fuck. Off. Antonine.”

“Hey, be happy I didn’t throw actual money into this thing. You’d be so broke right now.”

Switching his external mic back on, Bitters couldn’t keep a smug tone from leaking into his voice. “Nope, that’ll do it. Thanks a lot Reeds. You were a big help.”

“Uh huh….I’m just….going to finish warming up for training. Over there.” And without another word, Reeds ran off as far as he could from Matthews and Bitters short of actually leaving the training area.  Weirdo.

“…that actually reminds me.”

Bitters did not like how suddenly light Matthews’ voice just got. Considering how pissed he’d sounded ten seconds ago, the easy going-ness he heard now did not promise anything good.

“You should do some warm ups too. The more the better.”

“.. the fuck I am.”

“Oh yes you are~!” God fucking dammit. Matthews was practically singing with glee now. He only did that when he knew he’d just about won an argument.

“Warming up before training is very important so you don’t sprain anything. And well, I just wouldn’t be 'me’ if I didn’t do more than the required amount to make up for being late.”

“…”

“Chop Chop Bitters. Time’s a-wasting.”

“….God I fucking hate you.”

Matthews shrugged. “Your idea man.”

“I should have just left you to mope to death in our room.”

Matthews only reply to that was giving him the finger and walking away.

“Where do you think you’re going?! Matthews? Get the fuck back here!”

“I’m just doing what you do during warm ups. Ditching 'me’ and moving suuuuuper slow. Better pick up the pace Bitters. I think Captain Grif’s heading over.”

                                                        …..

Nearly a half an hour later, Bitters was certain he’d made a huge mistake.

Palamo’s wounded pride and desserts were sooooo not worth giving a 110% percent towards training.

It wasn’t as if Bitters was out of shape or anything. Being in a war and training for it your entire life tended to keep a person relatively fit.

The only exception to that rule being one Captain Grif apparently.

No. What was quickly wearing him out was doing the regular training while ALSO keeping Matthews from being well, Matthews.

To be fair, Matthews was doing a pretty good job at not being his usual kissass self. Mostly.

There had been a few close calls that had required Bitters to 'accidentally’ tackle him. Like now for example.

“OW! I wasn’t even jogging Bitters what the fuck?!”

“My bad. Toootally thought you were there. Would hate it if the whole thing fell apart because Grif accused you, I mean me of suddenly giving a shit about running drills.”

“And you running into me every five seconds won’t!? I do not pay that much attention to you during training!”

“Mmhm. So you do admit you pay attention when I do follow the day’s regime huh?”

Matthews shoved him. Actually shoved him.

“That is not what I meant and you know it!” Matthews shrieked.

“Hey!”

“Shit.” Both teens said at nearly the same time as they watched their commanding officer march towards them.

“I don’t know what you two think you’re doing today, but knock it off or so help me, I will actually expend the effort it takes to separate you!”

For whatever reason, Matthews chose that moment to act like himself. The nerd actually had the audacity to flinch and stiffen his posture at Grif’s threat.

Bitters was going to murder him.

“Matthews.” Bitters said slowly over their private com. “What. The fuck. Was that?”

“Shit.”

“No kidding Sherlock! What were you thinking?! Don’t tell me you honestly can’t bear the thought of us being separated!”

“Oh for God’s sake-Being on opposite sides of the training field would be a god damn blessing! Get over yourself Antoine!” Matthews hissed over the line.

Blitters blinked at that and tried not to acknowledge whatever…feelings…that stirred up. He could do that later, when he didn’t have an image to maintain.

“…okay. What was up with you freezing just now?”

“Palamo’s heading this way.”

“Fuck.”

                                                       ….

Grif was no stranger to being ignored. In fact, being ignored had worked out fairly well for him for the bulk of his military career.

This, however was pushing it.

Aside from a weirdass reaction from Bitters earlier, both kids were ignoring him in favor of a private conversation between the two of them. And he only knew that because Matthews was visibly reacting (albight slightly) to whatever Bitters had said.

Suddenly, Matthews turned to face him.

“Looks like Palamo’s joining us today, Sir.” There was a couple second delay before the 'Sir’. Almost as if Matthews had just tacked on the word last minute. Unsure whether to be concerned or suspicious over that, Grif turned to watch Palamo join his squad for (presumably) the day

Ever since the entirety of Green Team save Palamo died during a mission, Tucker had been shoving the kid off on the other Captains under the guise of 'it’s not fair to just train one kid, how can the poor guy learn the value of teamwork if he doesn’t have a team?’.  

On one hand, Grif was impressed at Tucker’s dedication to skipping out on his one job at the rebel base. On the other hand, however, he was getting real tired of being stuck with the kid whenever Tucker wanted to bother Kimball and Felix for the thousandth time.

Simmons may have set up a very strict 'No-Palamo-Is-Not-Allowed-On-My-Team-Ever-Again-Or-I-Swear-To-God-Tucker-I-Will-Run-You-Over-With-A-Fucking-Tank’ policy, but Caboose was still an option. Amazingly, unlike Tucker, no one had died on his team. And Caboose liked literally everyone. Grif should not have to watch more kids than he already had to.

Grif sighed; heavily regretting putting on his helmet this morning. Visors had a horrible habit of blocking his fingers from rubbing his face in exasperation over the stupid nonsense that was his life.

“Matthews, go greet Palamo and I dunno, run laps with him.”

“Do I have to? Palamo fucking su-”

A hard smack interrupted the rest of the sentence but it was already too late. Grif was staring at them again, suddenly very glad for his helmet. He was 90% sure he’d just lost his usual blank poker face.

Matthews was rubbing the side of his helmet where Bitters had smacked it while (presumably) glaring daggers at the lieutenant. As soon as he realized Grif was staring at him, Matthews’ posture instantly straightened.

“I mean…of course Sir! I would love to…do what you just said! Hanging out with Palamo is just…the…greatest…thing ever…”

“….Are you feeling alright Matthews?”

“Never better Sir!”

“…Uh huh. Just. Go greet Palamo already.”

Matthews gave him the absolute quickest salute he’d ever seen before booking it towards Green Team’s sole member. Grif waited a couple minutes for Matthews to be out of earshot before glancing at Bitters.

“If Matthews shows any more signs of snapping, throw him at Palamo. Maybe then Tucker will quit dumping the kid on me.”

Bitters gave him a stiff nod before following after Matthews.

Grif watched him go. Either something most definitely was going on and both kids were in on it or Matthews was a whole lot more capable of a Simmons level breakdown than first thought.

Either way, today was turning out to be more headache inducing than first thought.

                                                           …..

“ 'I’d mess this up? I’d mess this up?!’ Bitters, what the hell was that just now?!”

Bitters flinched slightly at Matthews’ near hysterical voice over their private com.

"I uh. Forgot to turn my external mic off.”

“…Okaaaay. Why. The fuck. Did you say that in your impersonation of my voice if you thought no one would be able to hear you?!”

“…Force of habit?”

“Bitters!”

“You try yo-yoing between voices and not get mixed up!”

Matthews groaned as he ran a hand over his helmet’s visor. “Fiiiiiine. Thanks to you, Captain Grif thinks I’m like, three seconds away from 'snapping’ and I dunno, murdering Palamo.”

Bitters’ pace slowed as he mulled that comment over in his head. “That…could be considered a compliment if he thinks you could beat Palamo in a fight.”

Matthews snorted. “A well placed rock could take Palamo out.”

Bitters gave a small hum of agreement at that. Palamo was utterly useless in a fight; well, anywhere out in the field to be honest. How he’d lasted this long truly had to be one of life’s great mysteries.

“…-do about Palamo?”

“….What?”

Matthews sighed. “I said, what are we going to do about Palamo? I mean, don’t you think he’s going to notice something’s up?”

“Nah. Palamo’s an idiot. I bet I could speak normally to him and he wouldn’t question it in the slightest.”

“…You’re kidding.”

“Nope. I say we continue as planned and not stress over Palamo being here. Heck, if he’s tagging in on today’s training, we won’t have to track him down later to prove you winning the bet since he’ll be able to witness it first-hand. Win-Win.”

“Mhm. You’re being suspiciously optimistic about this.”

Bitters shrugged. “As much as it pains me, I know Palamo more than I’d ever willingly want to. Which means, I know for a fact we’re fine.”

“If you say so.”

Bitters decided against responding to that as they were within speaking distance with Palamo. Before he could call out to the other lieutenant, Palamo spotted them and quickly closed what little distance had remained between them.

“Heeeey Matthews! I’ve been thinking about our bet and-”

“You’re ready to throw in the towel? Smart.” Bitters quickly interrupted. Granted, that wasn’t something Matthews would ever do, but the sooner he shut down whatever 'idea’ Palamo had about their bet, the better.

Unfortunately, Palamo didn’t seem thrown off by 'Matthews’ being rude. “Haha no. I was thinking since Bitters threw in another demand if you won, I should add another thing too! To keep it fair, you know? So, after a lot of thought, I decided. I win, in addition to telling Captain Tucker how great he is, you’d join Green Team!”

Matthews and Bitters both stared in silent disbelief at Palomo’s, quite frankly, stupid idea.

”…that seems a bit much in exchange for some desserts Palamo.“

Green Team’s sole member shifted slightly. "Not really….I heard from Jenson who heard from Captain Simmons that some ice cream was recently found and it’s supposed to be allotted into our upcoming dessert rations and I’d really like to have some without getting a brain freeze a minute into eating it. Like erm, y'know, last time?”

Bitters blinked behind his visor. Well fuck, how was he supposed to talk them out of that if the New Republic really was getting ice cream again?

“Oh. Is that all?”

Bitters snapped his head to stare at Matthews who was actually speaking through his external mic in the absolute worst impression Bitters had ever heard in his life of his own voice what the fuck?!

“If we get ice cream, you can keep it.”

“Really?”

Matthews shrugged. “Sure. I mean, this’ll be what, the second time in years the New Republic gets that treat?”

Palamo was practically bouncing on the balls of his feet. “Aww thanks Bitters! I knew you were ni-” he froze, suddenly suspicious, probably finally picking up on Matthews’ god awful impersonation of Bitters. “…What’s the catch?”

“No catch. Matthews stays on Gold Team and you keep your ice cream ration. Aaaaand, as a show of good faith that I’m not tricking you, you can have Matthews’ share, regardless of the outcome of the bet.”

Bitters stared at his friend, certain that Matthews maybe had just actually lost his mind. “Are you uh sure about that Bitters? That seems a bit much.”

“I"m sure. Palamo really missed out last time with as big of a brain freeze he had then. I figure, this time should be better.”

“Yeah Matthews. Bitters knows what he’s talking about.”

Matthews gave a small nod. “I do. Sides, everyone knows it’s impossible to get a second brain freeze in your lifetime. Especially if you double the ice cream intake and eat it faster than the first time you had it. Matthews can back me up on this fact right Matthews?”

Bitters smirked as realization at what Matthews was doing finally hit him. The guy could be downright diabolical when the mood struck him to be. “Oh absolutely Bitters! It’s a well documented fact proven by numerous studies!”

'Matthews’ confirming his friend’s claims seemed to be enough to convince Palamo. Bitters couldn’t help thanking whatever God existed that the other lieutenant was such an idiot. It made him annoying as fuck, but it did have its’ perks.

Now that their pre-emptive petty revenge had been taken care, Bitters eyed Palamo curiously.

“Why would you even want Ma-me on Green Team anyway?”

Palamo anxiously rubbed the back of his neck. “Uh. No reason.”

Bitters gave him the flattest, most pointed look he could while wearing a helmet. Palamo, for once in his life, got the hint.

“Fine. I was just trying to rebuild Green Team.”

“…Starting with Matthews.”

Matthews’ impersonation skills were utter garbage but the way he deadpaned that statement so flawlessly gave Bitters some hope that his friend might one day stop giving a shit about every little thing.

Palamo shrugged. “Sorta. I figured he’d be the easiest to convince to join Green Team.”

“….You do realize that’s never going to happen right?”

“Well, not with Matthews obviously but-”

“No one is going to join a team where ninety percent of its members died during their first and only mission.”

Bitters quickly stifled a snort under some fake coughs. “Sorry,” he threw in another fake cough at Palamo’s suspicious look. “Helmet’s been acting up today.”

Instead of dropping it and moving on to say a different topic like any normal, rational person would, Palamo, the weirdo, perked up.

“Oh! I can probably fix it! I used to help Rodgers with his helmet all the time!”

Bitters took a step back. “No it’s uh fine. I can do it later.”

“Don’t be stupid. It’ll only take me like a minute to figure out.”

To Matthews’ credit, he didn’t just stand around to watch their whole plan fall apart. He put in a valiant effort in trying to hold Palamo back from getting anywhere close to Bitters or at the very least focusing his attention elsewhere.

Unfortunately for both of them, Green Team’s lieutenant could be fairly single-minded on things. One minute Matthews had a decent grasp on Palamo’s shoulder and was pulling him away and the next, he got a rather painful jab in the gut from one of his captive’s elbows.

Taking full advantage of the sudden momentum no longer being held provided, Palamo basically tackled Bitters and took off his helmet.

“God Matthews, was that so ha…” Palamo trailed off as the realization of Bitters being in Matthews’ armor and not Matthews settled over him.

Slowly, as if in a daze, Palamo looked between the two Gold Team members.

“…You dirty fucking cheaters.”

Bitters gave him a small shrug. “We were just stacking our odds to better our chances.”

“That is the literal definition of cheating!”

“It absolutely is not! Matthews, back me up here.”

Matthews hesitated just long enough for Palamo to take full advantage of and turn things back in his favor. “Ha! Told you!”

Bitters rolled his eyes. “Whatever. What are you going to do? Consider the bet forfeit?”

"When I’m basically winning? Hahahahaha No. I’m thinking letting your Captain know you two switched places for the day. Can’t imagine he’d be too happy with that fact you know? He might even have you guys removed from his team!”

Bitters snorted at that. He highly doubted Grif would even be slightly annoyed at his and Matthews’ failed gambit let alone mad enough to kick them off Gold Team. That shit required paperwork, and Grif did not do paperwork.

Unfortunately, Matthews, the idiot, fell for Palamo’s bluff hook, line, and sinker and panicked. And, as Matthews often did when panicked, he did something stupid. Which, in this case, was 'tackle Palamo with no follow-up plan or thought to possible future consequences’.

Bitters sighed as he moved to pull his dumbass friend out of what was quickly turning into an actual fight. Well, he would have if Palamo didn’t punch his still unhelmeted face because SOMEONE thought it’d be a fantastic idea to just toss the thing after stealing it.

Bitters stumbled back rubbing his sore jaw, thankful nothing seemed broken.

The responsible and Matthews-esque thing to do would be to suck it up and go right back in there and break up the fight. But metal on flesh really fucking hurt and honestly, fuck Palamo,

Just as Bitters was really about to get into the fight himself, somebody grabbed him by the back of his armor and pulled him back with enough force that he nearly landed flat on his ass. Bitters just barely managed to get his bearings back in order in time to witness Captain Grif of all people pull Matthews and Palamo apart.

“What. The fuck. Is going on here?”

Silence met him. If Bitters had to guess why, it’d be because all three of them were having trouble processing the fact of Grif doing anything remotely solider-y.

Grif sighed as he turned to face Bitters. “Matthews. Tell me what happened.”

“Nothing Sir. Just a uh, small disagreement but nothing major. We were actually on our way back to training.”

“Training’s over.”

Whatever retort Bitters thought he could use died on his lips at Grif’s nonchalant tone. Surprisingly, Palamo was the first to pull himself together enough to continue the conversation.

“I just got here! Training can’t be over already!”

Grif shrugged. “Funny thing. When two lieutenants and Matthews of all people start ducking it out in the middle of the training field, it turns out no one wants to run laps and would rather watch the fight.” Grif’s voice hardened. “So again. What happened?”

Again, none of them answered him. Grif sighed. “Alright. We’ll take this elsewhere then. I am not standing around in the sun in full body armor while you three play the quiet game. Follow me.”

Grif led them to the main building on base and the first room with chairs.

“Sit down; helmets off.”

Bitters took the seat between Matthews and Palamo. It didn’t take a genius to figure out Grif wanted their helmets off so they couldn’t talk privately with each other to figure out a plausible story and to make them crack faster.

Honestly though, Bitters wasn’t too worried about Matthews. As long as he didn’t look at or make direct eye contact with anyone, the guy actually had a pretty decent poker face. Add in the fact of Grif thinking he was Bitters, who wasn’t known for sharing anything if he didn’t want to share; chances were good he’d be ignored.

Which just left Palamo. Who was probably two minutes away from ruining everything unless Bitters could somehow discreetly knock him out without Grif noticing.

“Uuuuuh Captain Grif Sir?”

Or Palamo could just ruin everything now.

“Yes, Palamo?”

Green Team’s lieutenant eyed the members of Gold Team curiously.  

“Aren’t you going to say anything about Matthews and Bitters wearing each other’s armor?”

“….They’re what?”

For one glorious moment, there was pure, utter silence. And then, unsurprisingly, Palamo broke it. Laughing so hard Bitters was surprised he didn’t fall out of his chair.

“Seriously?” Palamo leaned forward to get a better look at Matthews. “Captain Grif doesn’t know what you look like? My Captain does.”

Bitters shot a look at Matthews. He was just barely holding his poker face together, but judging by the tenseness of his jaw, he was about one word away from doing something stupid. Again.

Bitters jabbed Palamo in the side hard enough to turn the other teen’s snickers into wheezes for air. “Excuse us for not wanting a stray bullet to catch us unaware or did you forget what happened to General Stone?”

“…huh.”

Belatedly, Bitters realized he’d just used his regular voice, effectively outing himself and Matthews. He might have been more upset over that if not for the fact of the current rate on how badly things were going, it was going to come out eventually. Better now than Palamo somehow twisting everything later.

Grif’s gaze bounced between his two soldiers.  "….mind telling my why you two switched armor?“

Before Bitters could even attempt a bullshit excuse, Matthews surprisingly spoke up first.

"It was a bet Sir.”

“…a bet.”

Matthews nodded. “Yes Sir. Bitters bet I couldn’t be lazy and I bet he couldn’t keep up with training.”

“Uh huh. And that made you trade armor why?”

Matthews paused for a second at that. “We…decided that you’d be the best impartial judge and thought if we wore our regular armor, you’d…end our bet before it could even begin?”

Grif nodded like that made sense. “And Palamo?”

Matthews’ voice hardened slightly “He was sticking his nose where it didn’t belong.”

Palamo made to object to that, but Bitters quickly stomped on his foot, amazingly without Grif noticing.

“Huh. Alright. Nice job Matthews. Didn’t think you had it in you to be lazy, so color me impressed. Try to apply that to training more. Bitters, I’m disappointed in you man. Thought you’d be better at faking effort. Palamo. Mind your own fucking business next time. I think that covers everything. You’re all dismissed or whatever. Do not bother me for the rest of the day.”

As soon as Grif was out of the room, Bitters threw a smug look at Palamo, who short of being sick, couldn’t possibly look any paler than he did now.

“Did you hear that Palamo? Captain Grif just complimented Matthews twice.”

Palamo gave him a shaky nod. “I did.”

Bitters’ voice turned smug. “Which means Matthews won the bet. Hey Matthews! When do you want-shit.”

While Palamo looked sick from nerves, Matthews was slumped in his chair like he’d just been shot.

Bitters shot the other lieutenant another look. “I’ll contact you later over the helmet radio to let you know when you can fulfill your end of the bet.” He couldn’t resist a smirk. “Enjoy the rest of your day Pal.”

Palamo groaned, something Bitters elected to ignore in favor of helping his friend to his feet.

“C'mon Kyle. This is just sad.” He muttered low enough that Palamo wouldn’t be able to overhear.

“Captain Grif complimented me. Me!”

“Mmhm. He sure did. Good going there buddy.”

Matthews’ awestruck smile was contagious, it wasn’t long before Bitters was wearing a small, genuine smile as well

“….You wanna know what could have made this better? If I could I have recorded him saying that.”

“Maybe. But not having a recording makes it more…I dunno, special?”

Matthews’ expression softened a little. “Yeah…”

“You know, we could probably record Palamo making a idiot of himself tomorrow in front of Captain Tucker.”

Matthews snorted. “We could.” An excited look crossed his face. “Hey Antoine. When we get back to our room, want to crack into my Victory Food Stash with me?”

Bitters’ grin widened. “Fuck yeah! Don’t even have to ask.”

                                                 ……

The next morning, Grif took his usual seat by Simmons at the Captain’s Table in the mess hall.

He listens juuust long enough to register that Simmons and Tucker are arguing about training stuff before tuning them right the fuck out. It was way too early to be thinking about being a real actual solider in a real actual war and all that entailed in his humble opinion.

Instead. he spent his time scanning the mess hall. Unsurprisingly, it’s still fairly empty as most of the rebels are either getting some much needed rest or out doing more soldierly things like patrols or some crap.

He just barely registers Bitters and Matthews leaning against a nearby wall talking to each other before he notices Palamo making his way towards their table.

Grif can’t help internally groan. The kid might not be on his team or even be looking to talk to him but usually, just the sight of the his lieutenant tends to put Tucker in a bad mood. If Palamo’s starting his kiss-up-ery shtick this early, it’s going to be a looooong day of listening to Tucker’s bitching.

“Uh. Captain Tucker Sir? Can I, uh, talk to you?”

Tucker heaved an overly dramatic sigh. “You already are.”

Palamo squirmed slightly, looking (in Grif’s slightly confused opinion) as if he was as eager to talk to his Captain as Tucker normally was to him. “…right.” The kid took a deep breath, almost as if he was bracing himself. “I. I can no l-longer take relationship advice from you Sir.”

“Fucking finally” Simmons muttered beside him as Tucker stared at his lieutenant as if Palamo had suddenly grown a second head. “Not going to-? Who the hell else around here are you going to get dating advice from!?”

Palamo looked ill. “From C-Captain Grif sin-since he gets more a-action in a-a week than you have i-in your entire life.”

Simmons choked on his coffee while Tucker gave Grif the biggest look of surly betrayal as if he’d been the one to insult him and not a dumbass kid.

Before Grif could even attempt to deny or defect any more accusations, Palamo was talking again.

“I’m so sorry! I didn’t mean it! I still want your advice!”

“Then why the fuck did you say that!?”

“I lost a beeeet!” Palamo wailed.

“To who?”

“…Matthews…”

Tucker stared at Palamo. “You lost. A bet. To Matthews.” Palamo nodded miserably. “How? Matthews should be like, the easiest person to win anything against!”

Grif frowned at that, oddly insulted on the kid’s behalf. Sure, Matthews was an annoying suck up but he wasn’t the worst person on base.

“He uh. He said he could get Captain Grif to compliment him.”

Correction. Matthews was the absolute worst person on base because apparently, the kid had perfected the fine art of bullshitting his way past every single one of his emotional defenses.

Resolutely not meeting Tucker or Simmons’ twin looks of shock, Grif grabbed his glass of orange juice and started downing it in an attempt to buy himself some time.

Thankfully, he didn’t need much time to figure a decent enough-ish comment to get the others to leave him alone. Heck, it might even be good enough to make Tucker actually do his job for at least a day if he was lucky.

With far more nonchalance than he had when he first grabbed it, Grif placed the glass back on the table and gave Tucker his best 'I-couldn’t-care-less’ look.

“Nothing wrong with a little positive reinforcement here and there. You should try it sometime.”

With more ease than he currently felt, Grif got up from the table, grabbed his (mostly) empty tray and disposed of the contents as he left the room; noting that Bitters and Matthews who, no doubt had known exactly what was going to happen earlier were no where to be found. Likely booking it the second Palamo starting crying and taking his (probably) dared comments back.

He was honestly torn.

On one hand, he should probably punish the two of them for making him part of the butt of a joke, even if, Tucker by far had gotten the bigger hit from it. On the other hand though, he couldn’t help being mildly impressed.

Matthews had taken a pretty big gamble and somehow managed to come up on top, Via a lot of overcomplicated work no doubt, but still. It was fairly impressive for the little kissup.

Eh.

He could take his time on this. He was a Captain after all and hell. It might be hilarious to watch the two of them worry over a punishment that might never come.

The day was looking to be off to a good start.