#but dont have the energy to go and fix
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Character sheet for an NPC previously known as Lura - her actual name revealed to be Maeve Heartgraven. Added her ghost roommates that are tied to her essence.
#digital art#original character#oc character#original character art#digital drawing#artists on tumblr#masks ttrpg#digital illustration#lahabaristart#lahabarista#nhilum world#lura/maeve#maeve#this week was a bit rough with work and a bit burnt -- some details or things I notice after#but dont have the energy to go and fix#still a reliable reference#character sheet#character art
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nickel and balloon would be so much more interesting if people explored the way nickel became everything awful that balloon used to be but so much worse ironically all in the name of "protecting" everyone from that history repeating. and not softboy tsundere yaoi or whatever is going on in those tags rn
#meeple.txt#inanimate insanity#iii they could so easily make me hate you.#nickloon arc was the worst thing to ever come out of iii#unnecessarily long and stupid and hilariously poorly written#i actually feel insane seeing how many people just accept it at face value as The Canon#i know it Is canon but i dont care. Heart❤️#we need to bring back the fandom energy of collectively rejecting the shitty writing#nickloon arc did not happen its ok. take my hand#in my heart nickel digs himself a deeper hole of denying he did any wrong and everyone at most tolerates him#fits his character built up by s2 so much better and parallels other characters too#somewhere deep in his head i feel like he knows hes wrong. but by god it should not have been that easy to ''fix'' him#hes going to deny it until it kills him bc that means facing any regret or deeper feelings he doesnt wanna deal with#and that means admitting he made mistakes which is a huge blow to his ego#and his Cool Tough Leader personality#hes not gonna give that up so easily#and i dont think its in character for him to change within the timeframe of the show tbh . at least with the time they have left now#thats like a post canon Maybe to me#the only way ill accept it really
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@fushiglow hmm….wonder who i’d draw this for all of a sudden and why… 🤔🤔
#your reblog surprised me#THREE BUNS SUGURU (STAR WARS ER JUST FOR YOU!)#theyre covering riko or smt and smuggling her places (??)#drawing this i was like ‘oh suguru’s curses in a star wars environment should be robots and stuff#so this suguru is a mecanic (he makes them from scrappy parts people have thrown out#and trash materials (and hard work 😎)#diy pokemon#because what is the cursed energy people are letting out if not junk theyre letting go of#so yeah ; basic geto takes shit and turns it useful#i do realise thats already very generic for star wars (junk robots junk robots!) but like. yknow. this guy takes shit people wouldnt bother#trying to sell. miam. junk of the junk. geto my favourite recycling bin you were designed for a luxurious lifestyle clearly (gege not me!)#(and stuff…………. but im lazy to put my vision in words rn hah..)#gojo’s probably a princess#(let’s not lie. hes basically a prince already (clan heir is a different look on him))#this made me want to write ?.??#problem is i dont remember much about star wars (watched it as a kid (we have the cds) appart from the very basic storyline… i forgot 😔#then theres the jawa’s first appearance cuz for some reason they scared me and i am marked for life (THEYRE JUST SILLY LITTLE GUYS 😭😭))#thankfully i lowkey want to rewatch everything so these issues can be fixed#(unthankfully either way the chance of me writing anything is very slim BUT WE NEVER KNOW RIGHT)#(hashtag diverging your attention from that other older post is it working /j/j)#omg glo i still didnt read balance (i think of it from time to time but im intimidated to read it because i know its right up my alley and#that i will love it and lately idk why but i need to ready myself emotionally to read peak fiction (this is so dumb but its true 😭😭))#my bad im rambling lol#WAIT FUCK SAME THING FOR BUNNY’S RECENT THINGY THAT GOT IN MY AO3 UPDATE MAIL#A LOVE STORY TOLD THROUGH THE LENS OF A THIRD PARTY MY BELOVED#(itsg ive searchef for these types of stories in advanced search before#AND NOW THAT I HAVE SOME BY AUTHORS I ALREADY ADORE .. IM- I SEE THEM BUT. THEIR CONTENTS STAY A MYSTERY. IS THIS MY BODY SUBCONSCIOUSLY FI#FIGHTING THE TEAR LOSS I WOULD GET??? IS THIS MFING [BALLING-MY-EYES-OUT] PREVENTION !? WITHOUT MY PERMISSION..!? TCH!)#my bad. ramble again o7 — see ya glo !#wip
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Could we celebrate any other character's birthday....
#like you know...clawdeen...the supposed main character#monster high#monster high g3#its just...i feel like we're inviting comparison here#especially with the inclusion of cupid#like if we're gonna go that far we may as well commit and include clawd too#are they actually dating or...? i dont watch the cartoon but ive seen gifs#granted i already figured that we're probably not gonna get another boy doll#on the plus side im excited that we're gonna get another catty#i do really like her but i just dont have the energy to try and find her a better outfit and fix her hair#so im praying this one has a cute outfit#and our first line without drac...a miracle#watch em still sneak her in there somehow#im also bummed that they didn't fix the lore concerning drac's age#that was the one thing i did hope they'd change#wasnt there an episode that showed her and heath as childhood friends..? is he also 1600??#or is this another instance of the show lore not matching the doll lore?#text post#im sick and salty dont mind me
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i love when the goy ally outrage at snw has nothing to do with bacon or anything and theyre just like SO APPARENTLY ETHANOL PECK IS NOT JEWISH IM GONNA KILL SOMEONE????? HE IS A JEWISH CODED CHARACTER AND IS SO IMPORTANT TO THE JEWISH COMMUNITYTOHAVEJEWISHACTORSPLAYJEWISJCHATRACDTHSIISBHVSGHUJ like yeah babes. zach quinto is also not jewish r u gonna call the cops. they are never gonna cast a jew to play spock ever again thats what u get when u ask for tos remakes just saying
#ethanol peck.....💖im not fixing that#i just feel like? ik im generalising but i feel like jews r not rushing mad to remake tos because spock is leonard nimoy#so the ppl putting 2024 tos on tv are gonna be the ones who dont give a fuck abt his jewishness +prolly dont even know hes jewcoded#can i be real w u it's a form of oncelerization#it's taking spock and changing almost everything that makes him him bc thats not why they like him#they just really wanna fuck a bowlcut skinny strongman with pointy ears or think the way he talks is funny like sheldon bangtheory#and they have never heard of deoncelerisation so they just go hello america allow me to introduce u to spock not my oc blade this is spock#and the offness also heavily relies on the fact tht people r averse to replicating 60s vibes in any way#no one wants to admit that its set in the 60s future and not our future#its a different thing and u will never get it right if u cant incorporate that energy back into it#you will never be the orville :/#orville is not officially recognised cus its just too true to classic paramount was like no we cant allow this vhbkbj#but fine i understand ur priorities r different make ur little swagless sheldon show ig#i WILL be watching it
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It's just. I want to do things. I wanna read my books. I wanna write. I wanna draw. But each day I'm coming home with negative spoons, so I just end up rotting away in bed because hey guess what this lovely body is Fucked and everything else only exhausts me more.
#after recovering on saturday i get the energy to do Something on sunday again. but then its always just getting back into the groove#only for monday to body slam me into the nearest wall#maybe im just gonna go straight to bed after work. maybe 12 hours of sleep a day will fix me <- thats the depression talking#would at least beat lying around feeling like shit because i have time to pursue my hobbies and just#dont do that#also sorry not sorry at my mutuals for vent posting all the time. im sick of bothering the same people with the same issues over and over an
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brocal for the ship bingo?
The OTP to end all other OTPs... (Man. This wound up being basically Cori's Masterpost of BroCal. AKA... this got long and has some images, since I realized I can post my own art directly instead of just a text link to it lol.)
Wasn't actually expecting this to wind up with a bingo? But I got basically 2?? (Will explain the lighter heart later.) This is A LONG post, and definitely gonna get SUGGESTIVE, bc man, am I obSESSED with BroCal. I'm just gonna go thru each checked box, since I don't know how else to structure this post lol.
Read More to save ppl's dashboards:
I want them to make out with blood: OKAY. I HAVE A WHOLE THING PLANNED FOR THIS CONCEPT. I AM NOT GOING TO GO INTO DETAIL ABOUT IT JUST YET BC I ACTUALLY WANNA WRITE IT. I'm obsessed with this one fanart of Bro licking Lil Cal, and it spurred on an idea I outlined and really wanna write: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/739969858334294016/hiiii-mutual-i-am-secrecy-asking-if-u-have-anymore
((Sorry for the plain text links, Tumblr app is NOT cooperating with me right now to add hyperlinks. I'd post the image directly if that one was mine.))
Basically, I just really need to see Bro and Cal making out with blood in their mouths, and I started a whole convoluted, unrelated outline in order to make that hapen. It'll probably just be a really short thing that ends at the uh climax, since otherwise it's gonna end up sadstuck. And I don't like sadstuck lol.
Undeniably t4t: Bro and Dirk are always trans for me, and Lil Cal's got that uh... what percentage did I calculate it out to be? 13% of Dirk is in Lil Cal [ My shitpost calculations: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/746702663327072256/i-ran-out-of-tags-rambling-about-this-so-im-just ] so Lil Cal is at least 13% trans because of that much of Dirk being in him, plus however you feel about the other components being trans. LMAO this is ridiculous to type out. Moving on.
EDIT: FUTURE CORI INTERJECTING WITH A:
"Lil Cal Top Surgery Healing Progess: Day 1"
Terrible for each other affectionate/derogatory: I don't even know where the affectionate/derogatory split occurs. I multiship BroCal as both Bro/normal puppet Lil Cal and as Bro/evil juju puppet Lil Cal, and whatever combination in between or outside of that. Terrible in that Bro is so obsessed with Cal that he doesn't have normal relationship/social skills and uses Lil Cal as both a crutch and motivator alternately, in a terrible cycle, or maybe rather... spiral. And also terrible in that Bro is caught in the allure of playing the role of puppeteer while also being a puppet for the darker parts of Lil Cal, whether he actively knows it or not. (Honestly though, I feel like it's dismissive if you try to blame all of Bro's faults on Lil Cal like this tho, which is why I tend towards liking Lil Cal as just a regular puppet a lil bit more. Or at least, a regular mildly supernatural puppet since that can be a little more entertaining if Cal can get into mischief while no one's looking or give off the vibes of his mood more directly, rather than like entirely inanimate or 'just LE, trapped in a puppet body.' Again, I like all of these concepts.) ((I mean that can also be a whole post of its own, like, by the time Bro gets ahold of Lil Cal, are any of the other components still alive in there? Like, are ARquius and Gamzee still in there or did Caliborn kill and consume them entirely? Idk how it works, man. This is why I like Lil Cal as his own person, maybe just influenced by the feelings of the others. LaCroix: CalGamARquius essenced water. Lil Croix.))
They need to get weirder with it: YES YES. 1000% YES. I need entirely shameless Bro doing entirely shamless things to Lil Cal. I want them inseparable and doing unspeakable things to each other. I want Bro taking full advantage of Cal having a puppet body and all the intimacy that comes with making repairs and being elbow-deep in stuffing.
Playing with them like dolls cute/psychological torture: This is the same divide as with the 'terrible for each other' point, so I'm just gonna go with the cute one, since the torture one is self-explanatory. I want them fucking married. Like. Full mushy cute romance type of relationship that Bro has never felt for any of the people in his life (cough aromantic cough). I made this comic not too long ago, and I often fondly look back on it, because I adore the concept of Bro being lovey and romantic and everything out of character around Lil Cal because he feels safe and loved and comfortable around Cal:
[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/750602227910131712/brocal-4-lyfe-so-i-had-this-idea-of-dave-being ]
I made a post a long, long time ago (not gonna link that one bc it was personal and I was being very obviously mentally ill ["C'mon, like you're not being obviously mentally ill while typing paragraph upon paragraph about BroCal still in 2024 like 10 years later??" Fair.]) But the gist of it was that, like, having objectophilia or objectum sexuality is like, from an outsider pov, it's a way to express love to yourself. You filter all your self-hate through the object you love, and you get back unconditional love in return.
Lil Cal is never gonna hate Bro, no matter what Bro does. As a regular puppet, Lil Cal doesn't have the capacity for hate. And so that only brings them closer, since Cal is never gonna reject Bro for any reason. (Back to being a crutch. RSD is real, and Dave is probably a big trigger for that since he's not on the same wavelength of weird as Bro [not blaming Dave, obviously, this is a post about BroCal].) Bro can experience receiving positive attention from Lil Cal, without feeling 'fake' or uncool by expressing that same attention or affection directly to his own self. (Things are always done through multiple layers with the Striders, aren't they?) ((And I'm not saying Lil Cal doesn't love Bro, or that their relationship is just pretend - it's real, I'm just like, 'What's going on behind the curtain in the mundane situation?/ How is the relationship appealing?' Lil Cal luvs Bro 5eva 4 lyfe and that's a hard fact. Could cut diamonds with that shit.)) Example: maybe Bro is dealing with a bout of body/gender dysphoria and is trying to take out his frustration with working out, and it's not helping, even if he's powered through a set better than normal. Then, he notices the way Lil Cal is watching him, and he can feel the excitement seeping off Cal. He can sense the echoes of a wolf-whistle ring out through his mind, and it's like. Okay, none of that shit from before matters, he's got all the validation he needs right there in Lil Cal. Maybe flex in Cal's direction, Bro?
Oh, so back to being cute: isn't it wonderful how the template maker phrased it as 'playing dolls'? But yeah, I want all the mush and everything. Bro has a whole wardrobe for Lil Cal for every minor event that occurs in the Strider household. I want them going on genuine dates. Maybe even... holding hands. Bro blushes for the first time since he was 16. He even gets to take Lil Cal with him when he goes out to DJ or put on a show. Not to mention the whole website business. (I've talked about Cal's role in that before, but I'll mention it in a moment...)
They will die in a heart shaped pool of blood: I mean, kinda did happen, even tho Lil Cal didn't perma die right there. I don't think this one needs any explanation, since it basically happens in canon.
'You should see the other guy...': Okay, so. About 11 years ago, I had a really great idea. About how smuppets enter this world. I expanded on it in the following more-recent post (adult only content lol): https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/741683686717669376/back-in-the-day-my-friends-called-me-insane-when-i
To sum it up, whenever Bro makes a new smuppet design, he then gives it a video debut on his website, where uh, Lil Cal births the smuppet like it's a horror movie scene, fake blood and poly-fil gore all over the place as the smuppet crawls out from the viscera. Bro then gets to play aftercare by lovingly and gently cleaning up and restuffing Lil Cal as they get to admire their new creation and rake in the dough lol.
So it's technically not a 'you should see the other guy' kinda situation, but it does involve one of them being... idk what word would describe it. Injured by the other? Usually a character loses a fight and says this to act like they got out of it better than the other guy, but... We could have someone knock on the door during the filming of a scene like that, and Bro has to answer it with fake blood up to his elbows, and be like 'You should see the other guy.' (But obviously, that's a terrible idea and would cause more trouble than it's worth... Maybe worth it for a persistent door to door salesperson, though.)
Though, I guess I should also say, I'm not opposed to Bro beating on Lil Cal in or out of the bedroom. Or in the case of animate Lil Cal, Cal choking out Bro. In or out of the bedroom, lol. Depends on the situation, like I said I will ship this ship any which way. But my preference for animate Lil Cal is to be like a totally normal puppet around Bro (or mushy in-love with Bro) and then evil-murder-puppet towards anyone else in Bro's life, like a... toxic yaoi guard puppet. (New Phrase Achievement Unlocked!) Bro brings home another guy to have sex, who tries to stay the night due to the late hour, but the guy wakes up shortly after to see Lil Cal standing there with a knife in the dark, eyes glowing red. Panic ensues when the guest screams and freaks out, and by the time Bro's got a light on, grabbing his sword, ready for a ninja vs ninja fight (bc an intruder would've had to bypass all the traps), Lil Cal is just innocently splayed across the desk chair, no knife in sight. Relevant post (well, the caption on the post too, saying how Bro can't seem to hold onto any relationships besides Lil Cal):
[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/741830516962164736/i-want-you-so-youre-mine-always-selfishly ]
Uh, lol, also Cal choking out Bro in the bedroom, adult only drawing: https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/754328907438800896/i-wouldnt-wanna-be-my-ex-when-he-found-out-who
Thinking about them always and forever: Listen. My Tumblr as proof, I've had BroCal on the brain for at least 11 years at this point. Definitely longer, since I first started reading Homestuck. I fucking love puppets and dolls and plushies and I always have. Man, if I hadn't deleted Tweets (automated app I used to do, and I couldn't choose what to save) from when I was in high school, you could've seen me @ ing my fave band when they were taking lyric suggestions on a fan-inspired album, where I was telling them 'make a song where the theme is puppets' and, while I don't know if they saw that or took the suggestion (they had responded to me before bc they weren't huge yet), there is indeed a song titled "Puppets" on that album, and it was my favourite song on there. Point is, I was fated to ship BroCal before I even knew it existed.
Sicko 2 sicko communication: I mean, does this even need explaining? Bro and Cal aren't just on the same wavelength of freaky, they're the fucking source of the wavelength, and it's causing a feedback loop between them. And it does as feedback does, which is, it amplifies with time. (Going back to the spiral symbolism here, lol.) ((Actually, time can play a symbol here, too, I guess, but idk how to word it, I'm starting to run out of steam.))
Let them have a happy ending: God, I need this so badly. I know Bro's story ends in Homestuck, but like. Pls. Someone needs to officiate their wedding. Currently placing the dreambubble order, but I can't organize a wedding by myself. OH speaking of. In that lil comic I did above, where Bro is accepting Lil Cal's proposal, I had the Natural Born Killers wedding scene in mind. I was gonna draw that as a follow up, but I think I have too many WIPs going. Just two people on the run, saying "I do" in a scenic but completely ordinary roadside location. Idk why, I keep going back to that movie for things related to Bro (I mention it in a very important scene in a longer WIP I've been writing, as something Bro watched and internalized as a kid lol.) It's not the best movie lol. Anyway.
The devotion omg: I feel like I have already gotten my point across about this, but let me reiterate:
[ https://coridallasmultipass.tumblr.com/post/735842968450269184/in-the-name-of-iconic-magical-girl-anime-ill ]
Bro and Lil Cal absolutely beat the shit outta Jack Noir before he gets prototyped. And even then, they fight together till the death, like. C'mon. Nothing more romantic than fighting a losing battle side by side. Also, like, Lil Cal having his own protective chest for safekeeping as seen in the Strider living room? Like, you don't just have a protective case for any old thing, especially something meant to be handled, especially something that is regularly used to smack other things/humans. What I'm saying is, Lil Cal is durable and resilient, and yet, Bro still has a case for transporting Cal safely. Oh, wait, I just thought of something funny, what if Lil Cal goes feral like a cat, and basically the chest is like a cat carrier so Bro can drive without being constricted lmaoooo, I've been typing for hours can you tell?
Kind of homophobic: Listen. I HAD a Cal. Took him to college. Staked my claim on the top bunk bc I am royalty. Proceeded to not have anywhere to set my water cup and had to use a cardboard box as a table up there. Spilled water. Melted Cal's sharpie-drawn face. And then proceeded to cry. I have a WIP of Lil Cal 2, but that requires actually remembering to work on him. I wanna do better by the pattern, too, since I rushed to finish the first. I have all the material! I have the project started! So it's just a matter of reordering my WIP priorities, honestly.
Where is all the fucking content?!: For realzz. I was actually venting about this the other day (didn't end up posting it), but it's like, either there's no BroCal content, or there IS BroCal content, but I can't reblog it for reasons I don't want to get into on this post. I'm dying of thirst in the ocean, basically. Whatever. This just means I need to make more BroCal content myself, which I am more than happy to do. I've just had a rough past few months, so I'm glad I got to type all this post out, and hopefully I can get back to creating soon.
Last one! I hope this one makes up for the absurd length of the post, it's prob my new fave idea I just came up with on the spot.
[TW drink spiking by a stranger mentioned in this.]
Committing atrocities as their silly little activities: I think we all know what this means, but I am going to ignore that elephant with my special x-ray vision. Because this is a BroCal post. I'm digging deep to the meat and bones of this. Honestly, this could go multiple routes, it depends on how you take your Lil Cal.
One could place emphasis on the 'guard' part of the, ahem ahem, toxic yaoi guard puppet. Maybe someone is actually trying to harm Bro, and Bro legit can't do anything for reasons outside of his control - let's say his drink got spiked a while after he invited a stranger home that he thought was chill. As Bro gets shoved down on the futon, his memory of the night is only a few flickers. Familiar orange plush, roiling around above him like a dancing windsock. Flashes of Lil Cal's face all distorted and stretched wide like a funhouse. J-Lo and Ice Cube on the TV. But when Bro is finally able to fully wake up in the morning, everything is as if he just got home alone last night and passed out on the futon. Cal looks totally normal and content tucked under Bro's warm arm. Except when Bro gets up, there is a pair of shoes too big to belong to him at the door. Maybe Bro knows. Maybe instinct tells him to run. Maybe he does, but he's running towards Lil Cal, every time.
#apologies for being entirely unhinged about brocal. this isnt even the half of it#the-meat-machine#asked#praying my internet posts this in one go in the correct format. rip to everyones dashboard if it doesnt#im not turning on my pc to correct it if i cant fix an upload error from mobile#homestuck#brocal#otp5eva#stridercest#long post#Cori.exe#Post.exe#im like staring at my phone scared to hit the post button bc if tumblr has a fit then idk what ill do#and its like okay i could just put my phone down and go to sleep.#but what if tumblr decides to post it AFTER IM ASLEEP AND CLOGS EVERYONE WHOS FOLLOWING ME'S DASH#if that readmore doesnt save where its supposed to... (has happened before)... i am genuinely so fucking sorry.#oh oKAY WAIT compromise. ill save it as a draft first so the bulk of the upload happens privately in case something goes wrong#bc knowing my internet and how i was fighting hyperlinks last night and today that still wont work. something is gonna go wrong#fingers crossed the draft saves tho i dont wanna copy all this shit from the 'in case of emergency' screenshots i took lol#anyway i really need to get ready for bed fuck lol literally took me hours to type this and its not even polished ughh#toxic yaoi guard puppet#omg tho 'lil cal top surgery' idea had me dying when i remembered theres canon cal sewn up like that#i gotta remember to post that separately tmr#i got this post draftes and gna post now. im seeby#oh wait#puppets#suggestive#striders#man if i wish i started w the last point but i dont have the energy to reorder everything#nini im going seep 4r this time
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in case anybody's wondering how things are going today marks day 20 that i still don't have power so thats pretty neat. a fun little milestone for me
#yes it is getting cold yes i am getting very familiar with several different methods of keeping heat inside & different types of heaters#no i dont know how i'm going to readjust to being able to flush my toilet without a bucket if i ever get the chance again#fellas i am so tired of living like an amish person who's really bad at being amish#the amount of times duke energy has said shit like “ohh you're in a less impacted area you'll get power soon!!” and then didnt do that.....#they gave out a map with different levels of impact on the 8th and i was in the less-impacted portion#and then yesterday only after almost all of those areas were fixed they updated it to put my area in the red instead#and that is the biggest update we've gotten in nearly 3 weeks#thanks guys. really helping us out there we definitely wouldn't have gone anywhere else if we had known we're in a red area from the start#sigh. once again i'm gonna tell you if you're putting off your laundry or a shower in your own home do it Right Now. do it for me..........#fuckass storm
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RAAHH another rendered drawing of my self insert be upon ye
steel pipe 💥💥
#im not completely happy with the shading but im happy with the lighting so its okay#also idk what i did but one of the layers made the rendering on the front part of the pipe less rendered and im so mad about it#but i dont have the energy to fix it#cuz i finished this a few days ago and havent touched it since so im not as familiar with the layers anymoreeee#might've been one of the glow layers#anyways. steel pipe is his go-to weapon. blunt object.#my art#self insert#ALSO hi if youre still in the tags :D IM TRYING SOMETHING DIFFERENT WITH THE HAIR#since i hate having longer bits of hair on the nape of my neck irl im gonna stop drawing my s/i with that because its not. ideal.#so its gonna be much shorter in the back now
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Aughhh flops down on the floor.
#i love when I'm having a certifiable mental illness night be it either with depression or anxiety or both#but for all intents and purposes I Look fine on the outside#I still go to work I do my job I function in some semblance of normalicy#but under all that I either feel listless or I feels some sort of energy that doesnt let me ever relax#i almost wish whatever the hell my brain felt Was more explosive and noticable at least itd feel like a release then#but im too used to living like this that I dont know how to navigate these kinds of moods without just going#'oh. okay. fun times this sucks' and continuing like it Isnt affecting me when it is.#im just. frusterated. life isnt supposed to feel like this#and i dont know how to fix it rn#vent#me talking
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I just found a clinic nearby that does gender-affirming surgeries so top surgery might actually be a feasible thing for me in the near(ish) future
I found a job that seems to have all the stuff I liked from one of my last jobs without the extra bullshit I didn't (can't apply for it currently but that kind of job exists and that's reassuring)
Things might be starting to look up for me
#personal#i would have to use the money i saved up for college for the surgery and i dont know what kind of wait list they have going on#but i dont have enough money to get the kind of degree i want anyway here#so i might as well drop that money on something meaningful to me instead#not having much luck figuring out the getting back to therapy thing atm and im not going to assume these things on their own will fix me#but damn if they wouldn't help#and if i can get back into work i can move back in with my old roommate#(as far as i know my room's still available id just have to talk to him about it once ive got money to offer for bills again)#and with this kind of 'stay at home until there's work' job itll mean im not spending all my energy trying to survive the day#so i should still have some left over for doing the things i love doing (without having to worry about those things being able to make mone#god i havent felt this hopeful about my prospects in a long fucking time#maybe i can still make a place for myself
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#no words just ...... :(.........#i wish i could go back to a couple weeks ago#or last month#i wish i just just play games w my bf and b happy and away from all the horrors#but theyve(the horrors) got me n i dont think anything coudl fix it i just have oto try and wait my way out of it#and hope#i dont even know if i can make it out this time#i want to sh so bad but i dont even have the energy for that#i feel too dirty#im too tired#it's so much work#but i wonder if it could fix me#mental illness ATTACK#my body is in the gutters too#my stomach is so sick#i always knew my anxiety affected it but to see it go down in such a rapid way is wild
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anyone else finding it really, really personally nauseating that the pjo show would remove gabes entire character and replace him with someone less abusive to make sally a Strong Female Character. like wow, im sure glad that youve proven that women who are abused are the REAL threat to feminism, and they should just try talking back more!! what a good message to send to abused kids. sorry, kid. i guess you just didnt argue hard enough and #Own your abuser into seeing how cool and strong you are. what do you mean that arguing with an abuser will only make them hurt you more? but look how snappy and cool and feminist sally is now!!! youre clearly just being abused wrong.
#pjo#gabe ugliano#any other kids who related to percy feeling a bit uhhhhhhhh like shit rn#saw a post saying how sally being 'less simpering and helpless' is a good thing#like fuck you. jesus fucking christ.#can you think about what youre saying for 2 fucking seconds.#lemme just go tell my mom that she needs to stand up for herself more brb#oh wait i tried that as a kid and guess what it got us. more abuse!#changing sallys story for the purpose of making her a 'stronger' character is disgusting in ways that i cant put into words#women dont have to be abused Well to be worthy of sympathy#and getting angry didnt fucking help me get out of being abused#this was the only story where my sister and i felt seen and were DEFINITELY not the only people who related to it#taking that away from kids who went through our situation is awful#and the fact that anyone would consider it necessary to... idk. fix how the book portrayed abuse? it hurts more than i thought it wo#fluffle talks#negative#personal#sorry im not tagging this post very well#i dont really have the energy to find the right tags rn
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my friend showed me this dog and i said it looked like rottmnt donnie so. made this lmao (it look like 5 minutes)
transparent ver under the cut if you. want it for some reason?
#shitpost#coal rambles#coal draws#i guess???#memes#rottmnt donnie#rottmnt#rottmnt meme#god this is dumb#but#i realized i forgot his mask tails but. i dont have the energy to go back and fix a meme drawing#cuz im busy working on my au (wtih au)
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my hot take about descendants is that NONE of the core four were ready for a relationship until maybe like, the third movie (rant in tags)
#they were still adjusting to living life without struggling to survive#a girl should not be jumping into a relationship the same week she just tried her first piece of non-rotten food lol#thats not to say I don't like the canon ships#but mal married literally the FIRST man she met in auradon. at 18.#and even as far as in descendants 2 we see them still struggling to adjust in different ways (mainly mal)#in d3 they seem to have fully assimilated into life in Auradon (as much as a VK can anyway)#so it makes sense for them to THEN seek out relationships if that's what they want.#but disney ofc wanted to act like romantic love just automatically fixes a person's problems ig?? as if a relationship wouldn't just be#added stress given the position the VKs were in in d1#not to mention dating just like. wasnt a thing on the isle (mal even says this)#and I get that the kids are craving to be loved because their parents didn't gaf about them. But I wish the first movie focused more on the#finding that love in each other than romantically with outside people. a sort of “they had love in them all along” moment.#and then this fandom loves to argue about whether Jarlos/Janelos was 'rushed'. at least Carlos (and Jay +lonnie) waited a few months before#throwing themselves into the dating scene. Poor evie had her heart broken within like 3 days of being in Auradon. no wonder she was willing#to help steal the wand lol.#Anyway to wrap up this rant I didn't even mean to go on#I just think that kids who have spent the first 14-16 years of their lives fighting to survive and being put through continuous trauma on a#daily basis don't need dating right away. they need THERAPY.#if anyone here has seen stranger things its kinda an El and Mike situation were its like. the girl grew up in a lab and fell for the first#boy in regular society who was kinda nice to her lol. thats how I view Mal and Ben#same with doug and evie. he was nicer than chad but he still fell for her for her looks and she still fell for him because he was the first#guy in auradon to be genuinely interested in her. also evie had a whole “I dont need a prince” arc and ended up with a man anyway?#my problem with janelos was always that Carlos never quite worked out his mommy issues or his anxiety. I feel like he'd be afraid of hurtin#her even though that boy wouldn't hurt a fly. and we see Jane get pretty stressed out herself- have you ever been in a relationship where#both of you have anxiety? cause it either goes really well (you help keep each other calm) or REALLY terribly (you make each other spiral)#I actually really liked Lonnie and Jay (though I feel like it would've had a bigger payoff if she was in d3. not sure why she wasn't but I#wont dunk on that because it couldve been smth to do with her actress). I think Lonnie is someone who can 'handle' Jay well and match his#energy. And I like the idea of Jay finding someone he's loyal to after being commitment-phobic for 1 1/2 movies and the whole first book lo#and ofc I have to throw this in here: any auradon kid the VKs get with is never going to grasp even half of what they went through.#this doesnt mean they can't try to understand and be empathetic. but it will always cast a shadow on VK/AK relationships.
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genuinely though i love and support the idea behind DIYing and thrifting a load of shit & i try to do that where i can but its absolutely unrealistic for so many ppl. especially DIY & yet ppl bring it up so cavalier.... like yeah of course its cheap when you already have all the tools, the talent, and the space to flip furniture in. but like if youre a complete amateur its genuinely scary and a complete gamble to sink a load of money, time, and resources into stuff... -_- and its like yeah. ofc its a skill that i would love to build, and i do think a base level of it is necessary. but its like... i can watch all the youtube videos i like and prep all i like. if i try to put panelling up by myself, being 5'2'' with no upper body strength, no space to work, and a physical awkwardness i can only describe as concerning, its like im gonna blow a hole in my pocket with my go-getter attitude twice as large when it comes to having to get someone to fix it too
#egg.txt#and yeah i know you dont have to start big but i do still think resources and sinking money into even small things is a fucking nightmare#too#i could try simple paint jobs and im sat here agonising over what i need to use on every type of material#lest i ruin the furniture & end up with a flaky mess for years that i cant fix#or just a fuck ugly colour#and its like realistically yeah fuck ups happen when youre learning any skill but#when its something like that and theres a significant monetary cost incurred im like ok. im out...#and thrifting too. i try my best to check whenever i go past places#but i dont have a car and the one furniture thrift place near me is open during work hours#and doesnt have anything for me#and i could go further out#and i could try to go to every place near me possible#but when you work fulltime and again. do not have transportation. and you live alone. 😭#i can do it slowly over time but i feel like the more im searching the more im just burning my time and energy
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