#but damn. this is why I don’t want to come out as genderqueer!

[moonlarked]

white womanhood… fuck it

[genderfluiddipshit]

tw/cw vent (includes talk about dysphoria, transphobia, holiday anxiety, and seasonal depression)

bro i fucking hate the holidays everyone’s bones go into attack mode and i just want to explode, who decided that this was the normal amount of stressed to be during december

on top of that i had to literally testify to my parents like i was in court to get topical minoxidil so i could grow a mustache and stop hating my damn face so much

at first i asked my mom if i could pick some up (i needed to because i only have a permit) and she’s like “what’s that” and when i explain it to her and why im getting it she gets defensive, like “i don’t feel comfortable with you getting that”

she’s never really been supportive, especially with me shifting towards being more masculine/male; one year (at christmas, mind you) she straight up told me that “i’d never be a boy” and i was non-binary, genderqueer, wholly androgynous leaning at the time so i had no idea where this was coming from

it’s not like either of my parents have been supportive tbh, it’s just my moms a lot more vocal about it.

speaking of my parents, they’ve been so on my ass about college and driving that we’ve had the same conversation of “when are you getting your license? you can’t go to college without a license” like 4-5 times at this point, but they just won’t listen to me when i say i’m planning on getting it before april/may

them doubling down on my transition to adulthood appears to be simultaneous with me unmasking a bit, because they keep saying i’m being childish and rude, when i’m done hiding myself anymore. then again, i do kind of always get worse around the holidays; christmas time is so fucking stressful and i don’t understand why people try so hard to celebrate such a taxing and, frankly, capitalistic holiday.

…i’m sorry for posting stuff like this. i know it’s not my usual stuff but i don’t think it’s healthy for me to be hiding so many of my issues with comedy or just acting like everything’s fine. i love all of you, i’m going to be okay, i’m just kinda going through it rn. /gen

thank you for hearing me out, if you made it all the way down here. 💗

[1ddotdhq]

💿Sun 13 Dec ‘20💙

Happy Birthday, Fine Line! Have a Louis show! (Seriously, why can’t I get cool shows for my birthday like that??). So today’s been a busy week, huh? 

It is, of course, Fine Line’s anniversary, and the celebration kicked off last night, with a twitter emoji (it's Harrrry! Doing the FL pose so so tiny!) and the DYKWYA website changing. It’s pink and black and blue and white, and now tells us that we’re “loyal” and “marvelous” and “memorable” and “powerful” and “rare” and “real” and “staying six feet apart” (or 70 other lovely options). So either HSHQ got their thesaurus out, or they tuned into Louis’ show last night, because that’s EXACTLY how I would describe it. Anyways, the day started with a Harry sighting! Well, a video from last week that is, of him doing a MakeaWish FaceTime in a blue snapback. And then there was a Harry Lambert interview, where he directly addressed the discourse around Harry’s fashion choices, saying, “Harry will never wear something that he doesn’t want to wear...I always say, 'I‘m not doing my job if I’m making someone wear things' because I just think if someone gets comfortable in what they’re wearing, then it doesn’t matter if I think it looks good.” He went on to say, “There’s never an element of me forcing him to wear anything”. So - TAKE THAT, transphobes! We all recognize that saying “the mean gay man is making Harry look gay/genderqueer” is, uh, a REALLY bad take, right? Anyways, hopefully that’s the end of it, but we all know it won’t be. He also told us that Harry chose the (fake) pearls, asking “can I just wear these every day?” and they were only replaced with real ones after that strand broke, that he tried to get H out of the Vans for the Golden vid but he said nah, and about the Golden and WS videos “I kind of saw it as the same man just in a different place in the world” which, well- yeah? But the implication that that man was not Harry is interesting. Aside from that, we got some more terrible merch from HSHQ (including a shirt that is a glove with legs stuck on it, wtf), a few celebratory tweets from HSHQ, The Forum, Jeff Azoff (there's a theme here lol) etc, AND! A post from Harry himself: “I couldn’t be more grateful for you all continually finding new ways to change my life. Thank you for listening, and for everything else. I love you always, but especially today. H”. What? That’s his name, isn’t it? 

But, of course, H wasn’t the only one celebrating online today! Louis came back and answered some of our questions about the show. The first is that he sold over - are you ready for this? - OVER 160,000 tickets for the show, making it the biggest online show of 2020 by a solo male artist, and the third largest overall of the year. Even the Sun had to admit how “exceptional” that is, describing the show as "the equivalent of eight nights at London’s O2 Arena." Doing the math, this means he raised over $3.1 million from ticket sales alone! HOLY SHIT! Hearing that, Louis came on twitter to say (in reply to a quote by his PR company lmao), “This is truly incredible. No major label, no radio, yet here we are. The feeling of support I get from you all every time I do something is unbelievable. Forever Thankful! And they never see us coming!”. Of course, this incited another round of label discourse, wondering if this means he is still an unsigned artist. Does this simply mean the livestream wasn't put on by a label, yes, does Louis absolutely know about the discourse and is he being deliberate, I would also say unmistakeably yes. Which is not to say we know ELSE it might mean -- is he signed to an indie? Still label shopping and waving how much more they need him than vice versa in the hopefuls' faces? Signed but the contract doesn't start until there's a record in play (which when you negotiate your own contract and establish artistic freedom, as we can be very sure was Louis' priority, is what labels DO - they don’t manage every aspect of an artists career)? Signed by a major label, but shading the FUCK out of Syco about radio play for Walls? What we DO know is that it wasn't a label that put the livestream on, and damn if that doesn’t make it 1000% more badass. “Memorable”, “powerful”, and “rare” indeed! He’s still early in the process of LT2, as he told us yesterday, so we might have to wait a little longer to figure out what’s happening business-wise, but he made sure to tell everyone that his fans were an integral part of his processing the most inspiring way possible: “the power and the magic comes from the people you guys,” I COULD CRY that's MY inspirational leader THANK YOU. He goes on to say “don't undermine your role in all this... together with your support we're unstoppable!” He also called us “fucking relentless” (god knows that's true) as Walls hit the charts AGAIN, and talked about how the money raised will go a long way. “WE did that!!”

And with that, let’s talk a little bit more about last night’s (“bold”, “extraordinary”) show! ‘‘Copy’ is making its rounds on the internet, but YouTube continues to take down recordings of the show, which SUCKS, because everyone should be able to see it! Maybe in a few days when some time has passed, they’ll let it go up without an issue, or maybe they'll answer our pleas (come through one more time Louis!) and put out a DVD (and live album too how about, YES? Yes.), til then there are the downloads going around tumblr! Good thing we got Louis' seal of approval or just imagine the discourse. The ‘H’ shirt Louis was wearing last night is a Reebok shirt, which was being distributed in a few different places, such one where you could get a discount if you used the code ‘HL40’ and another where it was $28, lol. Was it the loudest Louis shirt ever- I mean I would say an unqualified NO but many are voting YES and are reeling so that's really fun! Welcome to the gang guys. Not likely to win any awards for being loud with such incredible competition but still very good SBBing-- Louis was wearing a stuffed bear t shirt in rehearsal pics. When you know you know, I guess! ;) The band is also soaking in the praises (as they should!) and have been re-posting fans’ stories on Instagram all day (as did LTHQ) - cheers, boys! 

Today’s Liam and Roman alarm was ALL us (well, not allll us, Roman did explain that the alarms would feature fans every Sunday, but then he handed the mic over). “Waking up to Liam and Roman is the best thing EVER! I don’t know why it gives me so much serotonin,” said one fan. I do! It’s because Liam is a real, live puppy dog and he’s so genuinely sweet to his fans. Love him lots, but I love him even MORE when he’s ON the advent alarm!

[purekesseltrash]

Chapter 12 of Bury Them Deep, the final chapter, is out!

Fave Excerpt:

Mezou jammed his hands inside of his coat pockets, unsure of what to say or even do besides grin like an idiot.  Tokoyami came to a stop finally and stared at Mezou, mouth open as if he was about to speak.  He gaped for a moment more before a distinctly annoyed look came across his features.  “Fuck,” he hissed, “I had a whole speech that I was thinking up on the way here and suddenly I have found my mind to be a blank slate.”

Mezou laughed, unable to help himself, “I don’t need speeches.”

Tokoyami stepped forward to grab at Mezou’s coat, his grip firm and his face honest, “You deserve them.  I fear I am an incurable romantic and this is simply how I function.  But my words have fled like cowards and the only part of the speech that I can remember is this, but it is the important part.  Let me take you on a date.  A real one.”

“I’d like that,” Mezou said softly.

Fun Facts:

- Hand to god, I had not decided on names for all of Shouji’s siblings until I had to write them.  Thank you, Japanese Name Generator.  Though Makoto is another Sailor Moon reference.  I also had not know that Shouji’s mom was where he got his artistic eye from, though I am glad for it.

- My favorite Hip song is ‘Lake Fever’ or ‘Scared’.  I thought that the lyric in Lake Fever was ‘You whispered Courage’ for the longest time, legitimately until I checked the lyrics to write the pivotal fucking scene only to find out that no, it was ‘hurry’.  It all worked out, thank GOD.

- IDK if anyone noticed, but I ship them as Tokoshouji, as opposed to Shoutoko.  I like the idea of Tokoyami being one taking the initiative better and it seems to fit his character anyway.  I don’t see this dynamic often and it drives me nuts because I could write an ESSAY on why it works so well.  Idk.

- Not even gonna lie, the last Mic segment made me cry.  It was like my final good bye to everyone reading, it’s personal.  And it’s basically me peeking out there, as opposed to just Mic.  For all of hockey’s shitty aspects, it’s the best game in the world.  I love it and I want it to be good and I will do what I can to make it be good.

More stuff under the read more about my future plans with this universe:

- So I have written a chapter and a half of an Erasermic prequel, basically telling the story of what happened when Shouta retired and ended up drugged to the gills and numb to the world at Hizashi’s doorstep, despite the two of them not having seen each other in legitimately over 10 years.

- I also have a side story of Kirishima and Bakugou, both with an idea of how they got together as well as what happens to them when they get to the NHL.  (Spoilers:  Kirishima does not have a good time as the first out and gay NHLer.  He basically gets buried in the minors despite being legitimately good.  Eventually he finally quits hockey way too young.  Bakugou meanwhile is a generational talent and is legit too good to bury in the minors.  When Kirishima retires, Bakugou flies to Tokoyami and Shouji’s house, where Kirishima is licking his wounds, and is like ‘Marry me.’  Kirishima tells him that he’s only going to say yes if Bakugou proposes with a Cup ring and Bakugou is like ‘Bet’.

- I also have one in mind on Ojiro and Shinsou.  They had an amicable breakup when they graduated, both understanding that the life of a hockey wife wasn’t gonna work for Ojiro.  Ojiro went on to meet a super cool alt girl through the info sec community and they got married and had a daughter.  They end up splitting up amicably when their daughter is around 7 and split custody without much of an issue.  Ojiro works remotely and lives in what is basically a lake cabin up in northern Minnesota.  He and Shinsou have kept in touch and when Shinsou finally retires, he comes to visit Ojiro.  The fic would go over them meeting up again.

- And then, of course, there’s Shouji and Tokoyami.

They get their shitty apartment in Atlanta.  Kenta helps them with the deposit and also goes with Shouji as he tries to find one.  Shouji ends up getting taken on by Orca, a buddy of Loder’s who generally doesn’t take Midwestern farm boys on as apprentices but he makes an exception, despite the fact that his work very afro centric.  Shouji is a nice guy though and a damned hard worker and has a good eye so Orca keeps him on for a long while.  Shouji still ends up picking up a bunch of odd jobs here and there, mostly grunt work like putting up drywall, but it gets him and Tokoyami through the absolute agony that is legal school.

Tokoyami goes into intellectual property law.  He knows how much work goes in to art and creative stuff and he wants to protect people like Shouji.  He ends up making a pretty nice living and they’re able to pay off the credit card debt that they accumulated during Tokoyami going through law school.  Shouji actually starts doing pretty well for himself too, mostly with his pottery but still with some sculpture.  Eventually Tokoyami proposes that they move to Raleigh, both because it makes sense for both of them and their jobs and well... because they have a hockey team.

Shouji never gave up hockey.  He had some years right after college where he did struggle to even look at his gear.  He had told his parents that he was gay and not going to the NHL over the phone as they were planning to come to his graduation, because he just couldn’t take them wasting money when he knew that they would never want to talk to him again.  Unfortunately, he was right.  Kenta still came to his graduation though and had two bullhorns that he slammed the entire time that Shouji was accepting his diploma.  He even brought Shouji his own pride flag and insisted on taking a picture with him holding it.  He posted the picture on his facebook with a very bold pronouncement that he was very proud of the first Shouji to get a college degree and how anyone that had a problem with his little brother could take it up with Kenta.  Still, Shouji went through some real mourning with the loss of his family and he took a small break.

But then he came back to it, once they started to get a little extra spending money.  He found a beer league group in Atlanta and started to really get back into the game, researching ways to improve in his downtime.  It got a little weird sometimes at the beer league games because sometimes Shouji would forget that he’d decided to wear eyeshadow or would forget that he had on entirely wrong undergarments but everyone accepts that goalies are weird so it was accepted.  Eventually he ends up having people ask him to coach for their kids, which he is loathe to do until Tokoyami points out that it’s better than Shouji do it, as someone who knows how damaging expectations and pressure can be, than anyone else.  So that becomes a little part time job of his.

Everything isn’t perfect for Shouji and Tokoyami.  Nothing is perfect.  Tokoyami is a borderline hoarder and Shouji can’t stand mess and that causes them to fight enough that they wisely seek counselling. But they’re happy.  Tokoyami eases up on the goth stuff and accepts his accent a bit more, though he still dresses in dark colors, especially for court.  Shouji actually gets to play around a little with the whole genderqueer thing and makes up for the time that he spent avoiding anything that would make him seem too gay.  And they still work really well together, becoming the pair that everyone from college kind of groans at, because they’re so ridiculously in love, but also envies.

They get season tickets to the Carolina Hurricaines.  You’ll see them with Tokoyami in a Devils jersey and Shouji with one of many from his massive collection.  Tokoyami will make comments here and there during the game, showing that he does actually listen when Shouji talks about goalie stuff and they only ever miss a game for gallery openings or work events.  Otherwise, they are there in their seats, holding hands and watching the game.

Feel free to ask me any questions!  I’m more than happy to talk about this, if you couldn’t tell.  (Also, I do have some half written smut so uh.... yeah.)

[gameofdrarry]

Wizards Hearts Recs: Rivals

Wizards Hearts was a four-month-long Drarry reading fest. Players were given a playing deck of 52 tropes, and were asked to find 52 different fics to read and comment on to fill their decks. To prevent the same few fics from being read, fics were restricted to only being used for the game three times before being considered ineligible for further points. The tropes and submissions list can be found here.

Check out the masterlist of fics for this trope below the cut!

📜 Blood Mingled by Katanes Dreamer Rated:  Mature Words:  48,412 Tags:  Angst, Rivals, Quidditch Summary:  Harry and Draco get into an accident during a Quidditch match. An old blood magic works its way, creating a bond between the two enemies, binding their souls to each other. A love story, for the most part. ❤️ Read on FFN

📜 The Swaggering Plimpies (or This One Time, At Quidditch Camp...) by RurouniHime Rated:  Explicit Words:  29576 Tags: Quidditch, Falling In Love, First Time, Post - Deathly Hallows, Divorce, Coming Out, Angst and Humor, HP: Epilogue Compliant, First Kiss, First Date, Rivalry, Teaching, Summer Camp, Parenthood, Pining, Don't copy to another site Summary:  Draco has an idea, and Harry’s just the one to help him. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Proverbial Musings by Octune Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  6955 Tags: N/A Summary:  "A hard beginning maketh a good ending..." A series of vignettes exploring the relationship between two dynamic rivals. May include fluff, pseudo-angst and and some ruthlessly rewritten proverbs. "Tumultuous origins? They’re worth it for the finale." ❤️ Read on skyehawke

📜 Winning doesn't always mean coming in first by Andithiel Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  4486 Tags: Harry Potter Epilogue What Epilogue | EWE, Running, Rivalry, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Joggers, implied Resolved Sexual Tension, Yoga, Training Camp, Our favourite boys being silly, Poor Sheila is so done, The Ides of Drarry: A Drarry Game/Fest, Draco is a little shit, but so is Harry Summary:  In preparation for the Charity Run for the War Orphans, Harry's on a training camp in southern Italy. Just his damn luck that Malfoy of all people should end up on the same trip, and seems determined to distract Harry with his stupid fit arse and his stupid enticing body. Well, maybe Harry has a few tricks up his sleeve (or short shorts) too? ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 The Thrill of the Chase Moves in Mysterious Ways by VeelaWings Rated:  Explicit Words:  32570 Tags: Alternate Universe - 1920s, Inspired by Miss Fisher's Murder Mysteries, Heavy Drinking, Smoking, Cigars, Casual Sex, Genderqueer Expression, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Abuse, Implied/Referenced Kidnapping, Non-Graphic Violence, Gun Violence, Poisoning, Auror Harry Potter, kind of, Draco Malfoy is a Little Shit, Draco Malfoy Has Long Hair, Draco Malfoy In Heels, Harry Potter Does Not Wear Glasses, Harry Potter is Built like a Brick Shithouse, Mutual Pining, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, idiots to lovers, Godfather Severus Snape is Done with Draco's Shit, Draco Malfoy Adopts Teddy Lupin, POV Third Person, POV Multiple, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Resolved Sexual Tension, Slow Burn, Blow Jobs, Rimming, ass worship, Ass Play, Barebacking, Felching, Semi-Public Sex, Public Sex, Dirty Talk, LCDrarry, Magically Powerful Draco Malfoy, LCDrarry 2020 Summary:  “Do you have a personal interest in this case, Malfoy?” Harry asked, arms crossed and blocking the view of the body behind him. “Not at all.” Draco smiled sweetly, cuddled into the side of tonight’s date. “Although I did briefly own that painting until it proved to be stolen.” He helpfully pointed to the Renaissance portrait a few metres to their left. “Why is it always so complicated with you?” (Or — Draco solves crimes that don’t technically belong to him and Harry tries not to fall in love. Co-Starring: Hermione, High Heels, and Hiccups along the way. #dat 1920s lyfe) ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Gravity Centered by carpemermaid Rated:  Explicit Words:  6780 Tags: Romance, Falling In Love, Secret Relationship, Flying, Post-Hogwarts, Post-War, Professional Broom Racing, Racing, Unresolved Sexual Tension, Banter, Angry Kissing, Mutual Masturbation, Competition, Rivalry, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Glove Kink, Blow Jobs, POV Harry Potter, Sharing a Wand, Broom Racer Harry Potter, Broom Racer Draco Malfoy, H/D Fan Fair 2019, Secondary Theme: Travel Fair Summary:  Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy are two of the best flyers in the International Professional Broom Racing League. To fans, they’re a pair of competitive rivals that trade skillful wins back and forth, but after they finish each grueling race around the world is that all there is between them? Or: Harry tastes the wind on Malfoy’s tongue. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Vie by Maizeysugah Rated:  Mature Words:  70996 Tags: Rough Sex, Light BDSM, Mpreg Harry, Sort Of, Top Draco, Bottom Harry, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Minor Violence, Sexual Tension, Rivalry, a lot of swearing, Past Abuse, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Romance, Dubious Consent Summary:  After finding out he has a year to produce a male heir to the Malfoy family or he'll lose everything, Draco Malfoy is sent the contract he signed. He can, in no way, impregnate any other female other than his Veela wife, who cannot have males. His father knows of one person in the world who can help him out; an old rival and savior of the wizarding world. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Cut Me Open (and use me) by triggerlil Rated:  Explicit Words:  3200 Tags: Knife Play, Pain, pain play, Dom Draco Malfoy, 15th Century, Homoerotic Dueling, Prince Draco Malfoy, Blood, Alternate Universe - Historical, Consensual Sex, Consensual Kink, Love/Hate, Hate Sex, Dirty Talk, Porn With Plot, Minor degradation/humiliation, Praise Kink Summary:  Draco is the heir to the throne of England. Harry is a nobleman who wants to reclaim his honour. Somehow, these two things are intimately linked. Enter a sword, a dagger, and the hands of God, and you have a story about two men with tongues like knives, learning to lick love off sharp edges. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 The Ties That Bind Us by Faith Wood (faithwood) Rated:  Explicit Words:  27890 Tags: Hogwarts Eighth Year, Humor, Smut, Light Bondage, Rimming Summary:  An accident leaves Draco and Harry bound tightly together. Literally. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 You’ve got (owl) mail by SouthDrarry Rated:  General Words:  16512 Tags: Epistolary, Secret Identity, Slow Burn, Getting Together, Rivalry, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Shop Owner Harry, Businessman Draco Summary:  Unbeknownst to them, Harry and Draco are anonymous penpals as well as rival store owners, giving them many reasons to hate each other, some reasons to like each other and at least one reason to love each other. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 When Darkness Calls by MystyVander Rated:  Mature Words:  66639 Tags: Hogwarts Era, Alternate Universe, Vampires, Romantic Angst, Dark Summary:  Something happens to Harry Potter over the summer before Sixth Year and Draco Malfoy is intent on figuring out exactly what. With an impending War and the inner fight of one's character, what can two rival enemies offer one another? ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 A Battle of Seekers by KlainebowsAndDramioneflies Rated:  Explicit Words:  1739 Tags: Quidditch, Rivals, Competition, Rough Sex, Shameless Smut Summary:  The game might be over, but the fun has just started. There are no rules when two quidditch captains corner each other in the locker rooms long after their teams have headed back to the dorms... and Draco doesn't take losing well. ❤️ Read on AO3

📜 Born Enemies by dracogotgame Rated:  Teen and Up Words:  1480 Tags: Aurors, More like future aurors, duels, Rivals, Banter Summary:  He'd always known exactly what to do with Malfoy. ❤️ Read on AO3

[semi-imaginary-place]

wonder egg priority

ep1: if we are already in the surrealist bullshit, what’s the rest of the show going to be like? I do not trust egg man. there more blood than i was expecting. I feel bad for Ai’s mom imagine you daughter isn’t coping well with her only friend’s suicide and one morning she’s injured and bleeding out on the kitchen floor. what money is she buying the eggs with

ep2: I’ve been thinking this but... is this actually a magical girl show? i dont trust egg man all the more. some dude finding girls at their most vulnerable and having them pay him for a chance to save someone they care about seems really... wow this show is brightly colored and the songs are cheerful but it deserves an M rating. ah her ended up in the hospital again. is it me just coming off of watching evangelion or is there some underlying hostility and tension between the abuse and bullying cases to acca’s comments

ep3: ok that thigh animation was a little weird but i am loving the cast. i want this series to do well to its characters and themes, but it probably wont. that’s 2 episodes “baa-san” has been used as an insult and i really am not for ageism nor the after-the-age-of-x-women-arent-valuable-anymore trope. but i do love seeing girls save girls

ep4: damn. thats 3 girls is less than 1 episode that have fallen in love with momo. that could be a little overwhelming to go through. ok. yeah. no. the men and women are different species thing is tired bullshit. why are the two misogyny bros running the show. this is a monster of the week format show.

ep5: rika does have a point. these girls aren’t responsible for those deaths, and its unfair that the burden of saving them falls on our cast

ep7: we got a rika episode. yeah this show goes some Real places from sexual assault, to compensated dating, to self harm. I’m glad we have these characters but especially Neiru. Female anime characters often fall into two sterotypes, loud and more assertive, and quiet, shy and meed (like the gymnastics girl), so we rarely get female characters like Neiru who are quiet but also decisive and confident. mmm i wonder if the show will address how the root of a lot of these girls problems are misogyny and how they are in a vulnerable position.

ep9: oh plot time. i hope they don’t oversimplify mental illness.

ep10: ok the “you must have many questions” and cut to the girls furiously texting because momo got a date is a great joke. so i feel bad for momo but also GOALS!! imagine attracting non heterosexuals ONLY! ahahahaha. I want that! what the hell was that at the end. ok backing up we actually got a trans dude. having a dude that's transgender is like finding a cryptid in the anime world. transmen are basically nonexistent in anime so i will take what crumbs I can get, though if he's male, what is doing in a space stated to be for females. (my guess is that the creator's default latent transphobia that we all have is showing though ie. they didn't think through the implications. the fact that kaoru has the most graphic and extreme trauma doesn't sit well with me). also, where as in the US where the progressive thing is women being feminine and powerful (countering connotations of masculinity=power) , in japan the progressive thing is women being non-feminine and powerful (ex: utena) since women only being powerful when they are feminine is used as a tool to oppress women. Momo herself is a girl with nonstandard gender expression who also seems to be questioning her gender identify, playing around and testing gender expression (momotaro/etc.) to see what fits, which is very healthy. so momoe could be trans, or might not be. Like many 14 year olds I don't think she quite knows herself. I think she's trying to reconcile the gender expression she is comfortable with with the gender norms presented to her by society and I don't know in the end what conclusion momo with draw. sometimes things are ambiguous, there no one box we are destined to be in. but the inclusion of this type of character who is genderqueer (in the broader sense) in a tv anime is a hopeful step in the right direction for the industry. ok back to the ending watching you pet be murdered, eaten, and then forced to eat your pet is traumatizing. why would you do this to momo.

[anyu-blue]

~

Hey I'm rambling about stuff in my own head again. Trigger warnings apply- specifically those dealing with therapy, dysphoria, self harm, relationships, and stuff like that. :T

I don't really understand it... For quite a while there I was fine. Content even to just let things slide. I think it was because I felt secure where I was (with Lon) and blocked out a lot that doing therapy has brought screaming to the front of my mind... But I could be wrong and I feel confused and conflicted again.

At one point (before Lon) I had settled down when my previous therapist basically gave me permission to call myself androgynous. She told me it was okay- if that's what I felt, then I could use it.... I felt very relieved and much less ruffled. There was still a nag in the back of my head, but it was quiet enough I buried it... For the most part...

Getting with Lon brought quite a few forward and I insisted he understand I am/was not a girl. He also seemed content and sweet and more than accepting... Until he wasn't.. looking back.. Lon said a LOT of weird or off things he either never came through with or downright switched on.. especially near the end. EVERYONE in his family and friend group assumed and pushed the 'girl' thing... And that nag got a little louder..I pushed back (gently) reminding Lon with little things here and there that I wasn't... But still 'she' and overwhelming compliments on my feminity buried me under them. In the end... I know it was driving me crazy (literally) and probably Contributed more to the mess than I understood at the time.

But it also wasn't a push even.. just the assumption.. I believe that because right now my hackles are raised so high every time someone says 'she' to or about me I BRISTLE. I want to yell or (depending on who it is) quietly tell whomever is doing it to stop.. tell them they're wrong... Most aren't doing it maliciously, I know.. it's just what they see. I feel pressured or pushed. It's really weird and extremely uncomfortable. It's confusing too because.. I don't know... I can't see how they don't see me as different than 'girl'... Or heaven forbid 'WOMAN.'

*shudders*

My therapist and I are exploring the feelings around when these things are said to me... And she's proposed doing something about my anger and frustration like squeezing Something or something or just outright accepting it... Basically ANYTHING other than telling people my business... But the problem is, I've told her... I want to BREAK things.. I mean I don't... But I feel the urge to. To hit. To yell. To scream. To cry. To crush. To run. But I don't. In some ways I can't.... Squeezing Something when I'm angry hurts me. My grip is incredibly weak (always has been no matter what I've tried) and everything pops painfully. Or it pinches my skin and hurts... So I've developed a reflex to do the opposite of squeeze or hit things (which certainly hasn't helped the weakness issue lol)... And even if I do try to do those things.... It's never enough. I can't go and go and go like I want to. It just makes me madder. More frustrated. It's never satisfying or as releasing as People tell me it should feel. I just want more. And more and more and more. And in the end I'm usually left a sobbing mess that's completely spent, but still so mad and frustrated... Feeling those feelings even more. Sure I'm tired enough to pass out.. but I wake up.. and everything is still there.. usually coupled with depression because it's STILL THERE... And I couldn't get it out. I don't feel better or lighter or more free.. I feel heavier.. sadder... Worse. I used all that energy and nothing came of it.

And I don't understand!! I really don't. Why I'm never satisfied... Why I've always always been so angry... I was told I was an extremely cruel child.. I remember a little too.. I always wanted to act, but was pushed down.. and even when I did, it never felt good or like it was enough.. I swear I could tear an entire house down by myself with nothing but my own two hands and I STILL would want to do more.

...

And I'm feeling all of these things with gender...

Tevs said to me she thinks I 'want to be a boy because our mother always wanted a boy and [I] always wanted her approval.' ... I can't deny that MAYBE it had an influence on me. MAYBE...

But... I don't WANT that witch's approval anymore. I don't care about her distain either. I don't want her ANYWHERE NEAR my life, it's MINE not hers.. and I'm really pissed off no one can seem to take the damn hint I am 110% DONE with her and anything to do with her. She HAS a son to raise now. And a loving husband who had her adopt him. And good friends and whatever else she has in her life. I am OUT of it. And I want to be out of it forever.

.. it feels demeaning when Tevs says that it's all from that to me.. she's done it more than once, and of course I'm upset by it every time.

... I just want to be me... And every time someone looks at me and tells me I am beautiful.. or pretty.. or a wonderful woman... I just want to cry... To go hide.. I feel so ashamed.

...

Here's the thing.. I AM attractive. I AM beautiful, hot, resilient, kind... Just about everything you'd associate a woman with... I was walking to another area in my workplace just tonight and caught a glimpse of myself as I did so in our big windows... The way I walk. My silhouette. Everything about me... Is envious.

I'm not saying these things because I'm vain.. I'm saying them because if I compare my body and gait and everything to the People alongside me- even the guests I see coming in- I can see it as clearly as everyone else who tells me I'm this pretty thing does... I'm not sickeningly skinny and I'm not fat. I'm not super tall nor short. I'm right in the middle with an ass and legs People tell me they'd kill to have... If I were to wear proper bras, I have a chest they'd love too- not too heavy and not unnoticeably small... But I wear ones that squish my chest so it looks like I have less (and that might be why I have such glaring problems with my ribcage sliding out of place all the time. I'm crushing everything XP).. take a guess as to why I started doing that...

I can't hide my hips... Nor my legs... I've got cute feet too. And hands... So dainty and fine- just enough bone and plump in the right places... It's no wonder I am the envy of my poor (adopted) cousin desperate to be a model and a star.. poor girl. She's beautiful in her own right, but her genes have made it so hard for her to fully dive into her confidence... My dad told me we are rivals and have always been... And my heart breaks for her because I'm not even trying... I want her to succeed!! To be the one in the spotlight!! I want to stay in the background so she can shine... But I always get pulled forward and somehow she's in my shadow (despite being taller than me).. and she can't stand to be near me.. even when I am trying my hardest to let her lead or to say things kindly or in her favor.. I can't seem to win... So I don't really have a relationship with her at all.. Though I really wanted to.

When I don't hide.. when I do 'dress up'... There's so many compliments. If I run into ANYONE from school when I do... *Gags* the compliments, disbelief, and shock... I remember EVERY prom... People not knowing who I was... Or being shocked if they did recognize me straight out. All 4 years... And it made the ostracization worse. My class was AFRAID of me. I was this shy/frumpy (also angry) little thing.. but I still remember being stared at changing after gym whenever there wasn't a stall for me to hide in.. I personally at the time thought it was because I was so ugly/fat they couldn't help themselves... Going through everything in therapy.. I realize it was because I was so skinny under all my baggy clothes.. and really pretty under the acne/hood/ugly glasses. I wasn't bullied just because I was smart/loved to learn... I was a threat and didn't even know it. The envy of my peers. And it's so sad.

I did wish to be like them.. so confident. So able to fake it. To do my makeup and wear cute things and to feel right somehow... But I never did. I tried.. but couldn't stand the clothes.. or the comments about my ass... Or all the things they focused on whenever I came close to succeeding. I couldn't seem to get it right. I just wanted to hide whenever I stood out... It never felt right.

It got to the point I was AFRAID to wear dresses and skirts. Terrified. Everything felt wrong with the world when I did. I felt like I was faking Something. Like I was purposefully being awful... Lying..

I wear some now because I was cheered up by the idea of genderqueer people and some men finding comfort in wearing them and in some ways them becoming more acceptable by all genders... Plus they're reeeally comfy sometimes. And it's nice to just be able to throw on a dress with built in pads during the summer heat wave than to worry about all those damn layers XP ... And I recognize that no one is going to question me or think I'm lying when I wear any... They don't see what I have in my head.

I do recognize that some of this stuff has trauma tied to it... And I'm confused because I don't know where the trauma ends and I (my own genuine thoughts) begin... I was not treated kindly at home- even outright being called ugly in a derogatory manner.. granted I now know those comments mostly came from a pedophile disinterested in me and the pedophile's own manipulation of my mother and her family's opinions (gaslighting and twisting to where I really was the horrible child in all ways) AND I know that I am not neurotypical which caused some other unfortunate treatments in and around my home.

I don't know where to go with it... Or why I'm so viscously against being called a girl or a woman. Why it's setting me off so bad right now. I just know that it is... And for some reason every time I'm alone or not really thinking of it... I don't think of myself as one. Not at all. And when I'm reminded.. I'm often startled by it and confused and need to process the information for a second... Despite 'being' one for all of my life... I've continually had the problem I don't expect what I see in the mirror either.. especially since puberty.

If I could show you what I think/feel most of the time... I think this would be the closest I could get- just make the chest straighter/flatter... It bugged me to no end to add that detail in and still does to this day, but I was going off the model (me lol). I don't feel like Anything... But I want to be something.. and that Something is... Not this. Not this...

But where do I go? What do I do?

I'm terrified of surgeries... I don't want massive scars (not that I mind scars- in fact I LOVE them. They're so cool!! But I don't want people to KNOW you know? Not that. Not Something that is such a private matter... I don't want to believe or go after something for it to be wrong too... And I don't feel I can afford any of it anyway 😞 even if I did want to try or actually found the right one... I would be so depressed to never be able to reach my goal.. and I feel I've held myself back due to that fear too...

I know another reason I haven't tried anything or spoken up or anything is because I have this strange desire to pass on my genetic legacy. It is such a powerful urge I am TERRIFIED of losing the ability... People tell me about adoption all the time as a great option, and it IS a great option for the children... Because I would do ANYTHING for my own... But it's this terrible terrible feeling I wouldn't feel I could claim them as my own and it would leave something still empty inside of me and I wouldn't be as loving because of it and that kills me... It sounds terrible too!!

I would do almost anything to have my own child... When it comes to pain tolerance or body changes I know I would have the hardest time than most if I were to get knocked up.. but I have that thought that it would be worth it because they are MINE.

I've thought about egg donation.. because I feel it would make me feel better to know I succeeded in passing on the line to someone better off and worthy of having children... But I feel I have too many genetic issues or would be an undesirable candidate or I'd feel terrible if the child died and then I didn't succeed...

Lol I think of things oddly... And that makes me think I don't deserve to have children or donate too... Never mind the actual process XP boy... Complicated~

So I've never tried... I am also quite poor and know I would struggle to raise a child. Even just one. And if I were to have twins (as I'm the generation that is supposed to)... I have even more worries... And I don't want a child or children to grow up with the struggles I had or worse than I had like they likely would if I just went for it.

...

I knew I felt more sure when I was with Lon because he apparently wanted/wants kids too... And it was in the plan (Maybe. Maybe not. It's possible he was the one messing with my medication alarms and trying, but also possible he just wanted sex... Because he told me before he left that he thought he was infertile for a long time (and there's some pretty strong evidence to suggest he's got weak swimmers lol but I'm not going to divulge what that stuff is) so it may have been a lie all along... But I didn't know and felt assured and safe with that path at the time)...

*sigh*

Idk what to do... I know I'm messed up about it all.. and I know my knee jerks and feelings... But I don't exactly trust myself or my memory or my reasons... I am only human... And I feel so lost.

I know what I envy... Very much.. and what I would choose if I could... But... Life just doesn't work that way... And science is so stunted it likely won't in my lifetime.

*snort*

I feel the worst thing that my dad ever said to me was when I told him and his wife that I wasn't a girl... I don't remember if I told them I was neither or would prefer to be a guy... But I do remember my dad's response... He told me 'go ahead and you do you, but I want you to know that no matter what, you're always going to be my little girl. I just can't think of you any other way, because you are. You're my little girl.'

And I just... It struck me so badly (obviously, I still think about it)... And made my heart so heavy. I... Understand... To the extent I can... And I don't want to... Lose him because I can't accept that... But.. I feel like it's only pushed me to lose myself... To.. just stay. Take the 'easy' route. To 'accept' it (except we can see how well THAT'S going).

*sigh*

I don't know...

The only thing I do know right now is I have this fantasy about... Going away for a while. More or less disappearing for 5 to 10 years... And coming back... How I want to be/see myself... And seeing what everyone would think...

Tevs thinks I only want it because of trauma. Dad thinks I'm always going to be his daughter. Everyone else is so sure I am a woman...

And maybe they're right... (I mean TECHNICALLY lol I can't exactly argue with that 😂)... And I would be trying to let my 'good looks' and all that 'go to waste'...

...

If I could trade someone... 100%... I would. I'm a pretty/beautiful/attractive looking body... (My face is debatable lol but whatever)... I wonder how come am I not happy about it...

[just-give-me-half-a-cup]

Newsies Pride Pt.2

So this one is going to focus more on individual people, and their sexualities, enjoy :)

Jack

So this boy is bi

And he is so proud of it

Like he would just walk up to random people on the street and tell them if Davey wasn't so embarrassed by it

It is pretty much one of the first things he says when making friends

He also has so many flags, because he feels the need to get another one every single year

Jack discovered his sexuality when he was like thirteen

He was told by loads of people he was too young to know

But Jack didn't listen to them, he did know, and idiots weren't going to stop him loving people

Medda was always super supportive and took him to his first pride aged fourteen

She painted his face for him the first year

After that he did it himself, levelling up in extraness? each year

He loves pride so much, and wants all of his friends to enjoy it as much as he does

Crutchie

Okay so Crutchie is asexual

He was super embarrassed at first, as he didn't know anyone else that felt that way

He met a few people online who understood him, and that changed his life so much

He is pretty open about it, and helps a load of people understand themselves

Including Davey, which is their secret

He's also biromantic

This is something he's known for ages

He just loves people, and has always loved men and women in the same way

Crutchie didn't go to pride until he was nineteen

Jack dragged him along, painting some little hearts in the ace colours on his cheek

He's not a big flag guy, just has a little one on a stick

And he met his now best friend, so pride is even more special for him now

Davey

Davey is also asexual

Crutchie helped him accept that part of himself

He's still a little insecure sometimes, but that's mainly his anxiety

He's also gay

Something he pegged pretty late

He always thought it was being busy with school that meant he was never interested in girls

Nope, turns out he likes boys

He told Sarah straight away, after he and Jack had got together

She is super supportive of him, Les is too

Davey and Sarah went to their first pride aged seventeen

Both covered head to toe in glitter and stuff showing their sexuality

It's surprisingly the one place he doesn't feel anxious, despite the whole event being based around loads of his anxieties

He just feels happy to be himself, and feel so accepted

Katherine

Also very bisexual

And proud of it

She has loads of little pin badges and bracelets

Because they make her happy

And even if it's tiny she always has something on her, because it's such a big part of who she is

Kath is head over heels in love with Sarah, who is her first relationship with a female

Like can't form a coherent sentence kind of in love

They went to Kath's first pride together

When she was nineteen and Kath absolutely loved it

She felt like she'd found her people, and now goes to every celebration she can find near her

Kath comes home with a million and one stickers that go on a wall by her pride flag

It's a really big flag, and she loves it

Sarah

A lesbian

And always has been

Never had any interest in boys, mainly because she played with them and always saw them in friend terms

A tomboy kind of kid, stole Davey's clothes all the time

Still does

Definitely gives off more butch lesbian vibes

Because damn this girl can and will fight

Taking Davey to pride is one of the highlights of her life

That and meeting Kath

She took one look at the idiot stumbling over her words, and was like 'yes, I want that one'

The flirty type, and very good at it

Every pride she is always decked out, because it's part of the experience

She also collects stickers on her body because she can

Race

Genderqueer

Prefers they/them pronouns

But doesn't really care about it if people don't call him by his preferred pronouns, he has no real attachment to them

Loves skirts and dresses, and is super talented at make up

Let's be real they are the definition of a gay twink, but is actually pansexual

More towards men, but has yet to rule anyone out

It took them a while to figure themselves out, but they knew from a young age being a man was not it

They worked it out at seventeen, and the sexuality came quickly after

Goes full out for pride, has both their flags on them somewhere, with paint on any visible part of their body

Their first one was aged eighteen, Jack brought him, introducing him to Spot

Race is very in love with Spot, and was super clingy when they got together

Spot makes pride even more special for them

Albert

Gay

Like very very gay

He's been out since he was ten, because he knew

Albert loves wearing rainbows, and will talk to anyone that will let him about why

He went to his first pride aged twelve with his older brother, who was reluctant to take him

It was where he met Jack and Medda, who took him along with them the following year

Albert almost cried when Jack painted his face because he was so happy

He'd been so gutted without all the glitter and paint the year before, so it made the day even more special

Has a pair of rainbow laces, and only uses them, even if it means he has to relace his trainers

He met Elmer when he was eighteen, and immediately fell

So soft when in a relationship, would do absolutely anything for his partner

Elmer is no exception, and regularly wakes up to a romantic surprise

Spot

He's gay

But was brought up in an abusive, toxic and homophobic household

It took him a long time to accept himself

Living with Jack and Medda helped him to not hate that part of himself

And he finally let Jack take him to pride aged twenty

He wore a rainbow vest top, and refused all the paint and glitter

That changed when he met Race

Race helped him fully accept himself, and the second year was so different

He threw himself into the event, and his and Race's apartment became the place to be

Flags line the walls, because Race can't stop himself from buying them, and Spot loves it

He provides paint and glitter and flags for everyone, because he knows what it's like to not accept yourself, and wants to make sure none of his friends ever feel like that

Because Spot is so soft, eventhough he tries to cover it well

Here's the first eight, so because this post is quite long already, look out for part three soon

[audrinahq]

AUDRINA CHOI from GLENDALE UNIVERSITY! the TWENTY FOUR year old JENNIE KIM lookalike is most known for being SELF ASSURED and GENEROUS. but they can also be ARROGANT and CALLOUS. the GENDERQUEER always reminds me of JUMPING FENCES TO GET AWAY, VODKA IN A WATERBOTTLE, AN OLD LEATHER JACKET TAKEN FROM YOUR MOM'S CLOSET. that’s probably why they currently have CANDY BY MGK on repeat. with THEM around, this school year is bound to be interesting.

♡     ───   basics

full name: audrina choi nicknake(s): audrey, rina age: twenty four birthday: january ninth sexual orientation: [redacted] relationship status: unknown, assumed single occupation: heiress, student, model

♡     ───   background

place of birth: seoul, south korea hometown: upper east side, manhattan, new york education: graduated from constance billard school for girls, currently attending glendale university

♡     ───   physical

faceclaim: jennie kim eye color: dark brown hair color: black height: 5′1 

♡     ───   relatives

biological parents: choi myung-dae (father) & choi chi-yon (mother) adoptive guardians: viktor trimme & anika kuhn siblings: none, only child pets: casper, an orange cat & bandit, a german shepherd

♡     ───   biography / personality

when it comes to audrina’s adoption and their parents, there is no scandal- much to the disapintment of new york city. instead of being raised in south korea, audrina’s birth parents made the decision to give them up for adoption. it was an open adoption and audrina grew up with their birth parents as close family friends and their guardians, viktor and anika. viktor and anika were unable to have biological children of their own and after adopting audrina, they started a foundation meant to help in the adoption process for parents struggling. 

it’s not as if audrina is hiding their sexuality. yhey just love having that part of their life hidden from the media and prying eyes. very careful not to be spotted, audrina has become the master at hiding their personal life from not only page 6 but gossip girl as well. it’s become a big speculation if they’re dating anyone at all and who is might be. anyone spotted with them is subject to the “are they dating” questions before it’s clear that whomever it is, is not audrina’s partner. 

audrina is the person you want with you when things get complicated. they have a knack for either talking their way out of anything and when words don’t work, money sure does. most of the time the reason someone is in trouble is audrina’s fault but they don’t leave a friend behind. they do, however, leave pawns behind. “pawns are meant to be sacrificed for the queen to win.” high school it was clear they thought themself the queen bee of constance billard. it seems in college that mentality hasn’t died away but no longer are they making it known they want to be on top. not as obvious, at least.

audrina is a very “love them and leave them” type of person. commitment is a nasty word when it comes to relationships. rumor has it their best friend has a reward for the first person to get them to say ‘i love you’. 

♡     ───   in character questionnaire 

Parents names and occupations? Are they still together? Still alive?

“which set of parents are you talking about? myung-dae and chi-yon are owners of a ramyeon shop in korea. viktor is a criminal defense attorney and anika is a plastic surgeon. they’re all still alive.”

Where did you grow up?

“in the upper east side. manhattan. fifth avenue, to be specific.” 

Relationship Status?

“wouldn’t you like to know? next question.”

What is your major?

“education. and no, i don’t want to be a teacher but i need a background in education so i can sit on school boards and reform the education system.”

Sexuality? 

“you won’t get that answer from me. stop trying.”

Do you have a job?

“what? being a student isn’t good enough? i do some modelling as a hobby. i don’t need to work.”

Do you dorm at school? Have an apartment?

“i live in the same apartment i always have. i lived in the dorms for freshman year- it was required, and then moved out the second i could. community living isn’t for me.”

Hobbies?

“aside from modeling, i like reading. i’m into fashion- what upper east side kid isnt? oh- dancing and art too. recently took up taekwondo.”

If you had a warning label, what would yours say?

“tiny but mighty? no. uh- probably something to do with how i would kick your ass. i don’t know, i’m not that clever.”

What have you been up to over the summer?

“you know that better than i do. seem like a gossip girl reader. ask her, sure she knows.”

Last image taken on your cell phone?

Last text you received?

“next question.”

Where were you the night the fight broke out?

“korea, i was working.”

♡     ───   character inspirations 

blair waldorf

jenny humphrey

narcissa malfoy

harley quinn

ingui "queen" yoon

klaus mikaelson

caroline forbes

rebekah mikaelson

♡     ───   wanted connections

sex money feelings dies ( open ) - think of exes but make it a one night stand but on top of that a frequent hook up. every time you say that won’t hook up with each other again. it’s not healthy, you both want past the relationship and let it go, but the moment y’all see each other from across the bar or at a party you just know you’ll end up in each other’s bed again

i saw you in a dream ( nadine alston ) - you guys were close. so close. thought there would never be a time you guys wouldn’t talk, but one thing lead to another and you’re left thinking about them when it’s just you and your thoughts. without them your life really hasn’t been the same, but is it worth getting past what happened to pick up the phone and call them?

painkiller ( juliana “jules” santos ) - best friends forever. literally. this person knows you inside out and you can’t see a day without them. they’re essentially your painkiller. you tell them everything and them back to you. they can tell if you’re feeling down just by the way you send your snapchat streaks that morning. you can’t see a day without them.

call your girlfriend ( open ) - this one is pretty messy. your muse is in a relationship, but there’s a huge flirtationship between these two. the flirtationship essentially becomes to both of these people attached to each other and maybe... even in love. but there’s still that relationship that’s in the way... YIKES

perfect places ( noah evans ) - party buddies but make it you guys just getting lost in the vibes because you don’t want to deal with life. it’s a good friendship. you guys get the thoughts in your head to go numb, but at a point it’s like what’s the point ?

femme fatale ( jared callahan ) - one muse is a huge fool for the other. they’re head over heels for them but they’re just playing around with the other’s feelings because hey ! it’s fun ! all of their friends tell them to ‘ just leave it you’re gonna get hurt ’, but they just continue to be boo boo the fool 

ex affair ( open ) - basically your muse was the cheater and audrina the other woman but it ended for whatever reason.

family friends ( luca cartwright ) - friends who met through family, could either be close or it be an awkward situation because they don't really get along or know each other well.

squad goals ( tatiana “tati” reyes , juliana “jules” santos , open ) - just a close knit group of friends. the group chat is always going off with someone’s dramatics, one or more of the squad constantly featured together in social media and the press. one or more or all of them constantly sleeping over at audrina’s place. doesn’t matter the university, these friends have been ride or die since childhood at least.

♡     ───   wanted connections

these can be used in any direction the “you” does not mean your muse from the point of view from audrina, it can go either direction. i just like the #aesthetic of writing it this way. 

001. open. you pulled away from me, so i pulled away from you. i pulled away when you hurt me. you pulled away when the world hurt you. and now we are both pulled away during a time when we are supposed to be pulled together. at some point i needed to put it all behind me. forget about you. forget about the way you made me wonder. and what we could have been. because it never happened, and it always got later, morning always turned into nights and the day was eventually over and nothing had changed. but it doesn’t mean that i don’t feel a damn thing, i do still feel a hole in my heart when they talk about you, i do still want to scream when i hear you have another life with someone else, i do still want to feel your kiss on my skin. and i do still love you.

002. open. we have no idea what personal boundaries are and yeah we’ve made out before a lot and yeah it was ok but we’re friends ok friends and why are you staring at me like that? why are you holding my hand always? why are you telling me how much you adore me? oh we’re not dating? oh you’ve been in love with me for years and i’m a doorknob and now things are awkward and i don’t know what to do to fix it.

003. open. i confessed i might be in love with and you said you weren’t interested in dating me because we’re just friends and i’m getting over that heartbreak but you show up on my doorstep and kiss me and we end up in bed and in the morning you tell me this was a mistake and before i can stop you, you leave. you show up again. lather rinse repeat. it’s not good for either of us but we keep doing it.

004. open. we tried the whole dating thing and it didn’t work out and we’ve moved beyond that. you’re my go-to friend on anything and everything and any problem you got i will fucking mow down hell to fix. wow your smile just lights up my world and please don’t be sad. who made you sad i will throw them in hell and mow them down and – oh wow. i never got over you. you’re my fucking world and i just want you to be happy but you can only see me as a friend because when you look at me you see our failed relationship but i’m not the same person i swear.

005. open. we’ve been best friends since we were kids, grew up next to each other and even though we aren’t from the same family we get confused for siblings a lot when we were younger. we’re older now and people keep thinking we’re dating but it’s not like that, we’re just extremely close. oh hey, you’re at my house more often than your own cause i don’t like to be alone at night and the neighbors think we’re together or having an affair and it’s funny to laugh about at dinners and we always get each other valentine’s presents since we were kids and you’re the first person i call when anything happens in my life. what? no, i’m not in love with them, they’re just my best friend.

006. open. “hey, open your front door. i’m here with chips, pizza, ice cream, and your favorite pastries. yes, i know it’s like 3am but i’m your best friend and i know you’re sad right now and i am here to comfort you.”

007. open. you’re not my ex anything. you were a passing moment, an almost a maybe one day we’ll be something but one day never came, you passed by and ‘almost’ didn’t happen. and yet it feels like something did because i know your favorite songs, what you think about late at night and how beautiful you thought i was. and i know you knew even more about me. our story was like an acute angle, a meeting point and then off in different directions. so close and then farther and farther away. we were an almost, maybe, someday.

008. open. tell me where we went wrong because it’s still not clear to me. there are still questions left unanswered and they’re killing me. tell me why we end up here, i thought we’d last a little bit longer. tell me what happened, why all of a sudden you decided to live without me. you just left. tell me how far should i walk away from you because i can’t turn away on my own. i’ve tried my best to let go but my life keeps coming back to you. i’ve tried to walk alone but i keep on looking back, hoping that every time that i turn, you’re there walking with me. tell me when to stop loving you because i don’t know how to stop this feeling.

009. open. if you’re alone, i’ll be your shadow. if you want to cry, i’ll be your shoulder. if you want a hug, i’ll be your pillow. if you need to be happy, i’ll be your smile… but anytime you need a friend, i’ll just be me.

010. open. things were great for a while before suddenly they weren’t. commitment doesn’t look good on you or me and now everything ends in a fight. you pushed me away so i pushed you away harder, the distance became catastrophic and the relationship imploded. hearts were shattered in the process and now you just bring back too many memories of what it felt like to be happy and to be in love so i just ignore you cause it feels easier than facing the truth that i miss you.

[kirrtash]

It’s only after their mother dies and they get in contact with the first, unfriendly, demons that Inuyasha finds out that the human’s obsession over fitting everyone in one gender it’s weird for them too. They have already learned to keep quiet about what they think about themselves. What their body is, and isn’t, to them, they don’t tell the humans in the castle. Inuyasha doesn’t even tell their mother.

It has been a few years since they stopped living in the castle, when they have again the occasion to meet an human, on a moonless night. That particular one, as every other, is immediately concerned with their appearance, assuming their gender without even letting them speak.

Inuyasha doesn’t feel particularly attached to one nor the other, on a good day doesn’t even think about it.

(On a bad day somebody just has to remind them, usually while trying to kill them, and aren’t they lucky?)

They don’t go near another human settling for years after that night. Those are safer than the forests and fields, at least when they are weak, but they don’t have it in themselves to deal with stupid humans and their stupid way of thinking.

In a way this hurts more than being half breed. Their mixed heritage is on plain sight for everyone to see, and there is no mistake to be made (with the exception of one night per month): one look at their ears and the story of their birth is on plain sight for everyone to deduce.

But the way humans expect them to adapt to their roles, to dance to this tune they don’t fit in, just after one look at their body, that’s worst. Humans and demons alike hate them for their blood, but both of them just ignore how they feel about their body. It’s just irrelevant.

So Inuyasha makes sure that it’s irrelevant for themselves too. In any case they don’t even have the words to explain it, so why bother? It’s not like they have someone to tell, and the most important thing right now it’s to survive.

They never get around telling Kikyo about this too. She barely accepted their mixed blood, Inuyasha is not sure she can take more. They don’t want to take the risk of another rejection. As for the sacrifice they are willing to face, it’s not that different from the other one they already accepted to make when she asked, just another part of their identity they will have to renounce to.

Kagome is strange. She doesn’t question them and the way they present themselves, doesn’t even seem to notice. The girl has bigger problems anyways, it’s her fault if them both are on this quest. But she always looks at them with a bit more intention when they slip, in the way they refer to themselves, when the hyper masculine terms they use out of habit, to comply with the image others have of them, to not raise questions, get stuck in their throat. She always notices.

She asks one night, when everyone else it’s sleeping. They have just met Sesshomaru again and Inuyasha is quite proud of their victory, even if in reality the bastard run away just before Tessaiga could break definitively. Inuyasha still counts it as victory.

“It’s something that I have noticed before, but why did he refer to you with neutral terms?”

The asshole has never had anything to say about their gender obviously, as it’s normal for a demon, but Inuyasha doesn’t really want to explain to her. They huff and try to dismiss the question with a vague gesture and a “whatever” but she just keeps waiting patiently, peering at them from under her eyelashes. They both know that the answer it’s not simple, and the question is bigger than it could look to a mere bystander.

Inuyasha takes a breath. She has been on their side for a while now, and they don’t want to lose her. But at the same time she has already told them how irrelevant their mixed blood is for her. No. Not irrelevant. A part of them. Just a part of who they are, as normal as their hands and eyes, something that makes them THEM. If she could accept that, then maybe, just maybe…

Inuyasha doesn’t know how to explain, but Kagome is patient. It’s like a flood. When dawn comes, and, how? When? She stops them, shakes Sango awake and quietly informs her that she and Inuyasha are going back to her time. She then calls for Inuyasha and they start walking away from the camp. As soon as they are out of ears’ reach, she resumes the conversation.

She looks among books and books in the public library. Inuyasha just stands aside, the hat flattening their ears, trying not to draw attention and not to be in her way. They didn’t even stop to her house to say hi to her family, she knew she didn’t have anything of what she was looking for there.

“There must be something! I have read a couple of things but I cannot remember where I found them again!” she looks possessed, and Inuyasha is not going to bother her.

She comes up with a few books and articles from magazines, and is eyeing critically the huge computer in the backroom, pondering if to search on that too, since the Higurashi family doesn’t have one.

Inuyasha is not really listening to her. They are scrolling through the written text, trying to make good use of what little reading abilities they have, and to interpret the futuristic language and culture. Their worldview is being thrown off right now.

If for demons gender (and now they know the difference between gender and sex, and gender expression too, isn’t that neat?) is inconsequential, humans 500 years in the future keep spending a lot of time thinking and talking about it. Still, the revelation is another one. Demons don’t care about gender, you can’t use it against them. Humans don’t care too, they know where they fit and it comes natural to them to abide the unwritten rules that concern the sociality. Despite this, here Inuyasha gets a glimpse of another world. These books give them a place, among others, give their struggle a name and a reason and companionship. They are not the only one. There are humans too, here, going through something that might, with a stretch of imagination, be considered similar to their experience.

Kagome takes some books back home, essays and narrative ones, and some vhs to see on the television. Her family is nowhere to be seen and they are back to her room. Inuyasha feels safe there, the day has already been a mess, and their head is still spinning. “I don’t know where to look for more, but we need to understand better, honestly Inuyasha, why didn’t you speak sooner?”

They know her temper is without fire, that she is just worried, but it hurts the same. She must see their look, the flattened ears, because she backtracks immediately. “I’m sorry, I can understand why, it was a stupid thing to say. It’s just… I want to help. I would like for you to tell to the others too, but it’s your call. I’m sure they will want to understand though. That’s why I need to find more…” she is off again, checking on the list she compiled while looking for materials, and Inuyasha watches her go in the direction of the stairs and the living room, still shell-shocked.

“I didn’t even ask you!” She seems to have realized something, her voice still audible from the other room “I’m so bad at this, I’m sorry! Which pronouns should I use?”

Inuyasha can’t help the laugh that escapes their lips, they don’t know what to answer. But they will find out. There are words out there for them, just waiting to be discovered. Their experience can be told, and damn them if they are not going to.

—

 A disclaimer: I am a cisgender woman, so my knowledge and undersanding of genderqueer identities can only be a secondhand one. This to say that I hope that I have not offended anyone with this depiction of this identity, and if I have I am deeply sorry, since it was not my intention.

For something so short I really had trouble writing this. First my native language doesn’t have the option of singular them, and I never had any occasion for using it before, so I’m sorry if I made mistakes. Second, Inuyasha the character, in the anime, while referring to themselves, uses Ore, an highly masculine way of saying me, and I didn’t want ignore canon completely even if I played fast and lose with the timeline, since I don’t remember what happened when. Additionally, and I never looked into the language so I’m not sure, I suspect that there are A LOT of pronouns whit different nuances in the spectrum between masculine and feminine in the Japanese language. So I had to take in account three language shifts while writing this tiny little thing. I’d like to add that while il like to think that my personal knowledge on transgender and genderqueer identities is not that bad, I haven’t the faintest idea of what 199something Japan might knew about it, so I kept on the conservative side (considering they are still a really closed off country about LGBT+ issues, I feel that it’s the most realistic portrait)

I cannot help but think about Inuyasha and a nonbinary or genderqueer identity. Assuming that for demons gender is something much less regulated by social norms than for humans, and that because of their upbringing Inuyasha didn’t get to receive a positive and validating explanation of gender and sexuality by none of the two cultures, I suppose that (in the feudal era!) it would have created in them an even higher sense of isolation and oddness. That’s probably why I love the idea of Inuyasha going to the pride for the first time (first gay pride in Tokyo was in 1994…)  and in general realize that they are not alone. 

It is a deeply difficult and isolating situation, not having the words to describe, even to ourselves, our identity, and I am happy that the modern ways of connecting with each other are lessening this kind of isolation.

this was written for day 5 of @inuyashapridemonth2020​

[scarletwelly-boots]

In honor of Pride, I’m sharing my LGBT Disney headcanon identities. Some have maybe one detail in their narratives that I took and ran with, and some are more commonly considered queer or queer-coded (or at least have more signs that I picked up on). Happy Pride!

Mulan: Genderfluid. I know that canonically she had reasons to pretend to be a man and that after she was discovered she dressed more typically feminine, but I have read some truly fantastic Genderfluid!Mulan fics, and as a genderfluid person who has grown up fascinated by Mulan, I like to view her as like me.

Shang: Bisexual. C’mon, did you not see his face when Mulan kicked him over that first time?! Boy was in love with her before she was outed. 

Ling/Yao/Chien Po: Poly. Yes, I know they have a whole song about girls and in the sequel they marry a bunch of princesses, but they were super close friends and had really good chemistry, so I wouldn’t be surprised if they all got together. 

Sebastian: Gay. That blue crab in the Under the Sea number is his boyfriend. And my name is Bastien and I’m gay, so Sebastian is also gay. I don’t make the rules. 

Ursula: Trans. Listen. This is the epitome of queer-coded villains. She was designed after a drag queen. I’m not saying all drag queens are trans, but a lot of historically labeled drag queens have since turned out to actually probably be trans. And there isn’t a point where she’s not presenting as a woman, so she’s likely not just in drag. 

Melody/Henry (Prince Charming): trans. OH MY GOD. This is my most bonkers Disney conspiracy theory. I’m sorry in advance for the long story with this one. So a year or two ago I fell down a YouTube rabbit hole about Disney theories and crossover theories. One theory was that there was (albeit conspiracy-esque) evidence to suggest Ariel is Prince Charming AKA Henry’s mom. The main reason I remember is that both are ginger, but I know there were other details. So the video creator was trying to figure out what happened to Melody between Little Mermaid II and Cinderella, but never thought Melody and Henry might be the same person. My theory based on this: Henry IS Melody. After LM2 he realized he was trans. It fits with the crossover theory without needing to explain why Melody was not at her potential-brother’s wedding. I know there’s a lot of conditions for this to work, but I think it makes more sense than the Melody and Charming are siblings but Melody is inexplicably MIA theory.

Lumiere and Cogsworth: Gay. Come on. Obviously. I will also accept that Lumiere is bi/pan and in a relationship with Cogsworth and Babette or w/e her name is. Doesn’t work as well with the live action BatB, but maybe Cogsworth is married and Lumiere is dating the feather duster and they’re also dating each other?

LeFou: Gay. Like even before the live action this much was obvious. Gaston should’ve A.) treated him way better, and B.) opened his goddamn eyes and stopped chasing Belle. (I’m on the fence about Gaston’s possible queerness though.)

Hades: Gay. I recently heard that James Woods, Hades’s VA, is homophobic. So now I’m headcanoning this out of spite in addition to, I’m sorry MF-er, but you played this guy ridiculously queer-coded. He’s gay. Deal, Woods. 

Timon/Pumbaa: Do I even have to say it? They raised TWO kids together!!! Gay!!!!

Scar: Gay. That lion was queer-coded to hell and back. I know there’s issues with villains being queer-coded, but if he’s gay, I’m counting him. 

Terk: Lesbian. Duhhh. She’s voiced by Rosie O’Donnell, of course she’s gay! Also all of her friends are guys, which I’m not saying makes you gay, but makes her butch-ness pretty damn overt.

Shere Khan: Gay. Sorry, I might ship him a leeetle bit with Scar. 

Baloo/Bagheera: These two were Timon and Pumbaa before Timon and Pumbaa. They’re gay. No, I will not take constructive criticism.

Jafar: Gay. Man, there is a huge problem with queer-coding villains in Disney. I know he sexually harasses Jasmine, but there could be a few reasons for this (other than the fact that he’s a jackass and needs to STOP): performative heterosexuality or bi. Or power-hungry AF and not caring what he has to do to get it. I’m leaning toward that one.

Genie: Pan or Ace. I could see him going either way. I think he gets a girlfriend in the tv show, so likely either pan or panromantic asexual. 

Elsa: Queer. Obviously.

Side note: I ship Elsa and Cinderella in the Wreck-It Ralph 2!verse. The bedroom eyes they give each other in the loungewear scene?! My gay ass felt that. 

Merida: Ace. C’mon. She’s literally an arrow ace! Isn’t this a thing? “I’ll be shooting for my own hand”???? Girl is ace AF.

Buzz/ Woody: Do I have to say gay? Is it not obvious? Get out of here with that Jessie/ Bo Peep shit. I can play in the poly sandbox just like with Lumiere and Cogsworth. And we do not acknowledge TS4 in this house. That movie was a disgrace. 

Jessie: Lesbian. I’ll take bi or pan if you want to insist she’s in a relationship with Buzz. She’s a cowgirl though.

7 Dwarves: Are they brothers? Or just roommates/coworkers? If they’re brothers, absolutely disregard because I’m not an incest shipper (okay, with the exception of Thorki). Otherwise, poly.

Donald Duck: genderfluid. Have you not seen that post going around of all the times Donald wears a dress and it’s not as a punchline? Donald is genderqueer in some capacity.

Live action BatB Stanley: genderfluid or bigender. He seems pretty chill about wearing typical men’s clothes, but when Madame de Garderobe gives him a dress he’s fucking thrilled. Stanley is me when I put on a binder. Genderfluid.

Kuzco: Pan and bigender. He’s very queer, both gender- and sexuality-related. Like he dresses as a woman in a whole scene and I don’t remember him putting up much of a fight about doing it? I could be wrong.

Feel free to add your own.

[peculiar-shardscape]

and yeah ramble about your bonus level fanpoints please. please do it. i asked politely you have to do it now

d o r i m e .

OKAG IKAT OJA IUHHH

I DON’T NORMALLY RAMBLE ON TUMBLR POSTS I USUALLY RANT ON QUOTEV OR DISCORD BUT UHH

FUCK. I’LL ONLY RAMBLE ABOUT THE ONES I RLY CARE ABOUT UHM. being on mobile sucks bc i cant do the “keep reading/read more” thing wah

All I’ll say is, Praedruosis, Point of Eerie Estate stalks Naen but nobody knows about it. That’s why there’s Naen pictures all over the building but we don’t talk about that. Sshh, keep it a secret otherwise she’s coming after my ass-

Ishi, Point of Stonewall Corridor is... A literal moving stone statue. He can also speak fluent Japanese and is... Hjrhrn... He can either hold you gently or wipe your existence off the universe within .2 seconds. I care he a lot.

Sperceus, Point of Spectre Study! Very shy bean, is Genderqueer, babey, good bookworme. They have ghost like hands and can actually communicate with ghosts! They have very low self esteem but they’re really intelligent and I love they. :>

Paci and Ciro, from Pyro Cryo Mountain are probably the two with the most complex backstory because like. They were formerly one entity, who had emotion issues, and temper problems. The entity’s name was Paciro (yes very original, Windy), and they were always able to pull the lever any time they wanted in their dimension

Eventually, they went mad and lost control over themselves, and their dimension got corrupted, splitting the entity in half. Paci is very soft and gentle, and very apologetic. Their self esteem is quite low, but they like to do what they can to please you. Ciro on the other hand is the short tempered asshole in which nobody likes because of how much of a dick he is. Thing is, they only live in their own appropriate side of the dimension, and they’re unaware of one another existing.

Yeah, they forgot about their original self, so they only think they themself exist. They have 0 access to the lever. It is insivible to them, and touching it would only make their hands phase through it, so to them, it doesn’t exist. (So if you’re the Star Saviour and you just sat on the lever without pulling it, they’d think you were floating.) Whenever the lever is pulled, the entity in the former side would “suddenly be knocked unconscious,” and would wake up when the lever is pulled again. However, to whoever was visiting the dimension, it’s like they just switched, but they’re still in the same spot... I really hope that made sense. Probably didn’t. MOVING ON-

Loxi, Distortion Forest, is a nontheless god damn dickhead that does nothing but piss you off and annoy the fuck out of you until you strangle him. He has the ability to see what you fear, make illusions of them and try to give you trauma because... Well, like I said, he’s a dickhead. Gender doesn’t exist to him, he refers himself as “it” but everyone else just calls him He/Him. He can actually surprisingly withstand corruption, but will stay frozen still for a good hour or so before continuing through. Not like he uses that power for anything though. He doesn’t care. Also, yes, his name is Ixol backwards. Super original, Windy.

Tucker Trillion but pointifi-/j

Gandi, Point of High Roller Casino!! Rich man, always very formal. He has high manners and high expectations of himself. He seems to keep up a really good act, but if he does something wrong, he goes super apologetic and constantly always fumbles his words and... He’s just really adorable and precious. Also, don’t take his tophat, otherwise that’s instant death for you!!! Same goes for his cape. Take that and he’ll tore your arms off.

Last one because I’m getting paranoid of myself. Farenight, Point of Final Firestorm! Hot badass pirate gal, aka my wife!! She has a minor habit of speaking Old English, and a very lovely gal! She’s extremely nice, but always willing for a challenge in competition! ... If you’re not advanced in sword fighting, I highly recommend not challenging her otherwise she’ll throw you to the ground and then to your grave/j. She’s really good at beating others in sword fighting, but has a very high mercy level, and sometimes apologises if she’s too harsh on you. If you’re a dickhead, she’ll just whoop your ass and leave.

I have a shit ton more Fanpoints. I have at least one for every single Bonus Level dimension :)

[ethandigby]

『 LANDON LIBOIRON ❙ GENDERQUEER 』 ⟿ looks like ETHAN DIGBY is here for THEIR SECOND year as a VISUAL ART GRAD student. HE is 27 years old & known to be DEDICATED, HONEST, STUBBORN & PESSIMISTIC. They’re living in NOLAND, so if you’re there, watch out for them. ⬳ drew. twenty-two. est. he/him. ethan’s pinterest

trivia:

he really likes white cholate & hot chocolate, often eating handfuls of white chocolate baking discs regardless of the time of day. 

visual art major --- tends to stray towards sculptures and installation pieces, though he does have a love for bob ross style landscape pieces. draws a lot of inspiration from older art, and many of his pieces are designed to look worn-out and as though they are missing pieces. 

perpetually exhausted --- for all his love of schedules, he has never managed to consistently get enough sleep and though he loves tea, that never seems to have enough of an impact to truly wake him up ---- a.k.a he is a yawn prone little fuck

doesn’t quite believe the local legends, though he doesn’t dismiss them outright either. the statue by wishing tree has, however, made it into several of his works ---- statues seem to have her facial features without him ever meaning to and he will swear to anyone that asks that in sophomore year of his bachelor’s degree he woke up one morning to her face staring at him from amongst the trees on a painting he had been working on. he will hesitantly add that it’s possible that he had just been thinking of her while half asleep, though ethan doesn’t really believe that

currently working as a TA for some of the freshman art classes, as well as overseeing the use of the different art studios from time to time. 

doesn’t believe in labels --- and that’s corny as hell, but he just wants to be able to be whoever he is in the moment and has had some harsher reactions when he uses umbrella terms, so he just refuses to label himself. relationship-wise it’s a whole different issue, he floats from one major relationship to another and often times will cycle back to one that’s already gone sour. 

has recently started going to a therapist to talk about some of the issues he has processing emotions and his fear of change ---- it’s been helping but he’s still very much on the verge of flight mode and will run away from situations that demand any real sort of emotional input from him on occasion. 

personality:

he is cynical, despite a desire to believe the best in people and the world - he has seen too much of the darker side of the world to ever truly believe it ---- this is reflected not only in his interactions with people ( he is open about expressing doubt and disbelief, he won’t believe a word you say, and he overanalyzes promises / invitations / declarations of love ) but also in his art and aesthetic which veers towards the dark and damned, a lot of his work is themed around broken things

stubborn as a mule ---- once he gets an idea in his mind, it can be hard to change his mind with logical arguments though an emotional appeal will have a better chance ---- he’s very set in his ways and struggles with questioning why things are the way they are, insisting that somethings should just be. loathes change and isn’t afraid to express this dislike --- tends to eat the same foods, wear the same clothes, go to the same places ---- despite a childhood dislike of routine, he finds it comforting nowadays, it feels safe.

loyal as all hell, you can hurt him a million times and he will still struggle to walk away and a genuine apology will win him back in an instant. he struggles to cut ties, even with those that he knows aren’t the best for him and has only successfully done so when it is possible for him to do so in a swift and permanent way. in most cases, he will eventually find his way back to those that he knows. 

friendly but not overly so --- he has no issue approaching people if he needs something, but he’s not generally one to approach you just to “chat” b/c he’s not big on small talk in general and honestly? he’d never say it but if he doesn’t know you, he doesn’t really give a damn how your day went or how you feel about the weather or current events. if he drinks, he becomes a little more sociable in that matter, but that often drifts into “ethan is going to info-dump about whatever has his interest in the moment and the only way to stop him is to like physically place something in / on his mouth” territory which is a whole different level of awkward. 

backstory:

growing up in a household where routine took priority, ethan spent a long time feel stifled by his parent’s demands that everything turned out perfectly ---- the neverending need to do things at just the right time, in just the right way. it was like fitting into a sweater that was just a tad too small, wrong in a way that is hard to explain

it’s in high school that he meets a true kindred spirit in the form of his art teacher ---- he helps ethan to realize his need for freedom and self-expression, and embraces his abilities in a way that he had always been afraid to. it’s a change that his parents are disapproving of, trying to reroute their son’s future to one of the paths that they would have approved of. but for once, he allows himself to rebel.

and after graduation, he leaves. running to new york, where he throws himself into the art scene head first without any real plans. for two years, he works multiple jobs as he cycles through sketchy roommates in his shitty apartment and equally shitty life partners, trying to discover things about himself that he hadn’t known before.

he’s still figuring some of that out, unsure of how to label his gender or his sexuality --- wishing more than anything that he could just be, a desire that he has long held onto since childhood that’s coming back to haunt them at last. 

that’s not the only thing that’s caught up with them as of late, the digby’s finally managing to track him down in new york and showing up at his apartment two years after he initially ran off. they came with open minds and a burning desire to see their son do something other than work minimum wage jobs and live in run-down apartments. they were quiet and subdued in a way that they never had been.

it took six months for them to convince him to enroll in college, and he eventually chose to attend radcliffe with an undeclared major. it was far enough from his hometown that his parents couldn’t reasonably drive up too often, but close enough that he could go home if he had wanted. a three-hour drive in the best traffic.

the distance proved to be the right amount --- though his parents certainly seemed to pop up over the first three months with containers of food and worries that their child would have run off, they eventually learned to trust him. and slowly, the wounds healed ---- ethan wouldn’t say that they’re close but they’ve learned to respect each other’s boundaries.

and he’s never seen them more proud than at graduation, except maybe when he told them that he was going to apply to grad school. it wasn’t the path that they had planned for ethan, but they had learned to be enthusiastic about his success, about his dreams and about his art.

doing his master’s degree - it’s been weird. being here is weird for him in general, he still misses new york even though it was a whole different kind of existence ---- he misses the stability of going to work everyday and being completely independent. here, he has to rely on his professors and classmates, he has people that expect him to check in with them and there’s more socialization --- mostly because he’s been trying to do better with that. 

connections:

good / bad influence: okay so traditionally, i think these would be separate connections but i think in this case, it’s more convoluted than that. for all of ethan running away from the environment his parents made, he’s very much stuck to those rules and expectations --- i would love for someone to start to break him out of that --- encourage him to party and drink and live life, and it doesn’t all have to be bad, it can be good too. you know, them bringing him to parties and him learning actually valuable lessons from it --- idk open to talking about their potential influence on each other, i think it could be fun

frenemies ( onesided or not ): i think a lot of ethan’s trust issues are a projection mechanism because he knows that in some ways that he can’t be trusted --- so i wld love for someone who they act like best friends when they’re together and then ethan just ... talks smack about them and doesn’t keep their secrets ( and maybe they do the same?? ) 

exes ( of all types / genders / whatever ): this one, my dear ethan, has gotten around a bit --- maybe they hooked up and now it’s awkward ---- maybe they dated for a while and keep circling back to each other despite knowing that they’re bad for each other ( a la unmiss you by clara mae ) ---- maybe they dated for a while and now they never talk so when they do see each other it’s just ... awkward as hell ---- open to literally anything with this one guys

art buddies: just two pals, palling around --- only prerequisite is that your character has some sort of interest in an art ( writing, theatre, music, film, etc etc ) --- and hey maybe they don’t get along but they put up a united front against the STEM majors who mock their choices in major? 

other: open to discussing dormates, coworkers, current love interests and literally anything else that you can think of --- does your character need someone over 21 to buy them alcohol? call ethan. for real tho, hit me up and let’s come up with some stuff!

[caitofcaithall]

FINE LINE THOUGHTS

Okay! I’m finally sitting down to listen to Fine Line, in it’s entirety, super exciting!! These are my first thoughts:  Golden: This is the song that plays during the part of the movie where the protagonist is driving off into the sunset, either alone or with their loved one that they’ve just fought hard for. Really gives me those ‘overcome emotional shit and things are starting to turn around’ vibes.  Watermelon Sugar: Obvs I’ve been listening to this one for a while! Taken after Golden, though? This is the post credits scene where we found out that our lovers are chilling on a beach somewhere in their happy ending. I admit it took a little bit for me to get into this song when I first heard it, but damn it’s addictive.  Adore You: Been listening to this one, too! Anyone remember when Sweet Creature came out and antis tried to make it about Harry’s cat? I think it’s funny af because honestly? I know I’ve been primed by that fish, but adoration is exact the feeling I have for my dog when I look at him and I’m just like... I love you so much, I’m glad you’re in my life and also why are dogs so cute while they’re asleep?? Anyway I love this song.  Lights Up: Dis my coming out the closet anthem. I want to blast it while I float overhead on a zip line with a microphone and a spotlight. ‘I’m not ever going back.’ I’ve said it before though, but it really does have that trippy feeling, and while I love the song, it’s kind of half a step away from triggering my dissociation sometimes so it’s hard to listen to? Cherry: Do I love the het narrative they’re pushing around this song? Absofuckinglutely not. But honestly? I really love the song. Sad, chill vibes, like driving through a forest when it’s raining. It’s such a sad song but it makes me feel fresh? Idk it kind of makes me want to write something.  Falling: Hello yes this is painful. It reminds me of all of the angst I felt while I was still trying to save my marriage. I don’t think I’m going to want to listen to this one very often.  To Be So Lonely: Mexican cantina vibes... You know, I like this song, but it doesn’t have a like, defined feeling in my head? I feel like I want to listen to it several more times on it’s own to like, get the gist of it. Obvs the lyrics are painful. She: Another trippy song! It gives me closeted trans vibes, to be honest? I want to like it, but... I kind of don’t? It’s 100% about the music... I think I’d really dig an acoustic version tbh.  Sunflower, Vol 6: Reminds me of 80s music? I don’t dislike it.. I’m digging the lyrics, but I’m kind of... reminded of like, going to the skating rink when I was 13 years old and being really shy around my crush and making a fool of myself. I really like the whoops and hollers at the end, though.  Canyon Moon: I love this so hard. Lovely singer songwriter vibe, makes me want to dance in the kitchen and sing, 10 out of 10 gold stars. Pretty sure this is going on repeat.  Treat People with Kindness: Yes, hello, I’d love my seventies tv show featuring Harry Styles, filled with wholesome plotlines designed to teach life lessons in an entertaining, engaging way. Could I have like, that.... but the Harry featured is the Sara Lee skit character!Harry? I really like this song tbh.  Fine Line: Playing this with the rain outside is *chef kiss*. This makes me feel very solemn, and hits me very hard in the genderqueer feels. The ending feels very triumphant, very hopeful, very... at ease. I very much enjoy this song. 

[homenum-revelio-hq]

Welcome (again) to the Order of the Phoenix, Seb!

You have been accepted for the role of non-biography character NDULUE “LU” TRAVERS with the faceclaim of Keiynan Lonsdale! We really enjoyed reading your application and especially loved such a creative way to tie Lu to canon. During these dark times, it only makes sense that muggleborns and other ‘”lower” blood-statuses might hide their background to protect themselves! We also enjoyed your in-depth analysis for Lu’s biases and prejudices! 

Please take a look at the new member checklist and send in your account within 24 hours! Thank you for joining the fight against Voldemort!

OUT OF CHARACTER:

NAME: Seb

AGE:  21+ (I’ve turned yet another year older the other day though, can you believe how ordinary I am? Not even aging backwards, like some sort of amateur… )

TIMEZONE: GMT+1

ACTIVITY LEVEL: I’m still on holiday until mid april and after that I’ll be travelling to uni daily by train so… If anything I’m too active. Will there ever be a time when the poor admins don’t have to suffer through pages and pages of my replies?

ANYTHING ELSE: Love you <3

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Ndulue “Lu” Travers

AGE: 26

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Genderqueer. They/Them. Queer.

Lu does not use the term ‘genderqueer’ themselves. They just know – and have always known – that their body does not fit how they feel inside. They know it’s a good body, and they don’t hate it, in fact, they quite enjoy using it for certain physical activities at times, but they just don’t think it belongs to them more than a handbag does.

They’ve tried living as a traditionally female-presenting woman for a while but it seemed just as wrong. So they’ve decided, especially in the face of war, that there’s bigger things to worry about and to just wear and act and love however they feel like it that day. If modern terminology and information were accessible to them, they’d choose ‘genderqueer’ for themselves and so I’m going with the most widely used ‘they/them’ pronouns as well. I can imagine Lu’s skin crawls when people address them with ‘Mister’ or speak of them with ‘he/him’ pronouns, even if they can’t fully put it into words why, but when it comes to playing into the ideas some people have of them, they’re good at sucking it up.

BLOOD STATUS: Muggleborn

HOUSE ALUMNI: Not applicable

ANY CHANGES:  X.

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY:

[Lu’s soul is split into two. Their parents divorced, leaving them and their brother commuting between different counties, educations and opposing moral values. They are of magical blood, no one else in their family is, has been, or will ever be. Their taste is accustomed to luxury and fame, but they themselves have no Knut to their name. To which world do they belong? Who are they really?]

Their personality is best described as vibrant and fun-loving on the one hand and selfish and sly on the other.

Meeting them for the first time, you’ll be confronted with a lot of sass, a lot of cheek, a lot of jokes and shallow remarks. They’re painfully honest about what they think of others – or at least their appearances. There’s something hyper-sensual, hyper-sexual to them even, as though their whole world turns around how to get who to bed. In a way, that’s very much the truth. After all, the person they’ve become can only exist as long as they keep being wanted that way. If they like you, they’ll shower you in gifts and wild adventures, they’ll make you get out of bed at one in the morning for a trip to an underground party where everyone is dressed up in Rococo fashion, and if you don’t want to, they’ll shame you for not living your best life. “These are the golden years of our lives, let’s spray-paint us in glitter to match!”

On the other hand they do have a dark past and a deep-rooted melancholy they can not always shake. Sometimes they use this to get pity-points. You see, even though they didn’t go to Hogwarts but to Beauxbaton, they are the epitome of a Slytherin. They’ll do most anything to protect their kin, foul play never out of the question. Lies are their best friend, and they’re damn good at it. In fact, they don’t just take pride in it but also joy. Imagine Regina George complimenting your bracelet only to turn around a second later and comment to her friend just how ugly it really is. That’s Lu. They found happiness in everything material; fashion, housing, parties, carriages is their life. Flowers are beneath them as they die too quickly. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend is their motto. And if you get on their bad side, you will suffer. You don’t know the bad luck that ensues is coming from Lu, but you will experience it intensely. There’s also an intense need to be appreciated, to be everyone’s number one and win first place in any competition – even those where no one else is aware that it’s a competition.

They can play incredibly sweet. Feed you honey as long as they get what they want, help you succeed, and rid you of all your adversaries. But if they feel insulted or neglected, the venom in their bite shows quickly.

So if it comes to what they’re good at, what they struggle with, it’s two sides of the same coin: being honest. Yes, they’ll use their actual hurt to get attention and some extra loving, but when it comes to facing how it actually makes them feel, how it influences their actions, they’ll put up a fight – or distract. They’re a master of conning, even before they met Mundungus Fletcher who helped them to their current life. They bamboozle and bedazzle their audience – and break when the truth beneath the facade is found out. The world’s a stage, they’re the lead role. But if you catch them behind the scenes, or reduce them to being the audience, a feisty tongue will jab and jab and jab until words turn to actions, indeed quite similar to theatre kids not being cast in the role they want.

What this hurt is, that I mentioned? See the next section.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY:

Lu’s theme – a soul divided into two – has its roots, as for so many, in their past and background.

Muggle Belgium is a country split between a French part and a Dutch part, and most people there are raised bilingual. Lu, with their Nigerian mother, was raised with yet a third language, a third culture to appreciate and respect, a third reason why fitting in was nearly impossible.

Initially, it was a happy childhood, with a baby brother Lu was devoted to, and parents who, despite their differences, managed to show their love to their children. But soon the differences grew too broad, and it didn’t help that each fight they had when they believed their children to be asleep was followed by furniture mysteriously bursting, disappearing, or changing colour. Accusations were thrown, insults were hissed, and soon Lu’s father moved up to Antwerpen, far away from the French language, far away from his family, far away from the open-hearted person he used to be.

He became xenophobic, as though blaming every immigrant to be the cause for his unhappy life. Even his own children, now coming to visit him every second week, weren’t safe from his drunk, racist slurs. But staying with their mother wasn’t an option either, as she soon married again, had two new children, blacker than Lu and their brother Urhie, happier, more normal. To the new husband’s sight, Lu and Urhie were a thorn, a mistake his wife had committed and simply couldn’t make undo, a chore. So every second week, Urhie would take their little brother by the hand, go on a train, and travel yet again across the country. It wasn’t perfect. Neither home felt right, and because of the going back and forth, it was nearly impossible to make proper friends at their two schools. And when they did, and the other kids found out that the Travers were children of divorce, they’d be bullied for it. Leaving one county was always filled with anxiety, wondering what would await them on the other side of this train ride. But at least they had each other.

Urhie was a happy boy. He barely remembered his parents fighting, and while the travelling and bullying, later the lack of parental love as well, took a toll on him, he at least had an older sibling who protected him. There was nothing Lu wouldn’t have done for Urhie. They taught him all the best curse words, helped them with the homeworks, built the best blanket forts and painted the greatest tigers onto their face, read them all the Comic books and stole just so much candy for them. They also took their father’s beatings, and got all the chores for their mother done so that their presence would be at least tolerated. At school, they’d meet each other in the courtyard, and Lu made sure that Urhie never felt lonely. Never felt like all of this was his fault. After all, somehow, Lu always knew that it had been their fault, and their fault alone. All the mysterious little things that had happened, the incidents which their parents used to accuse each other of and which led to the awful arguments – that had been all Lu, hadn’t it?

The famous Beauxbaton Flower Petals proved them right. They flew in through the window, even though Lu had been so sure to close it, and that was the end of their childhood. Everything about Beauxbaton was brilliant. The uniforms, the people, the teachers, the building, and of course the magic. Everything felt like a dream. A beautiful, rare, fantastical dream that had to be true simply because Lu knew their brain could’ve never come up with something like this on its own. Was it hard to believe that they were a Wix? No. Was it hard to tell their parents about it? Oh, yes.

Their father responded with a slap to the face. “Stop with your jokes.” The Beauxbaton Secretary, who came a few days later, performed a few spells and while Lu’s eyes grew wide with wonder, their father’s grew darker and darker. Perhaps it was anger, that his child was even stranger and more different than he had expected. Perhaps it was a form of jealousy. Their mother – forbidden to say anything to her husband – cried and cried until all her tears were out and then cried some more, with a dry face now. No one quite understood why but when she finally stopped after five long days, she also stopped acknowledging Lu’s presence. They had died for her, and in the rare cases she needed something of them, a chore done, she’d speak of them in the third person, detached, as though they were just not in the room, but not even in this realm.

But none of this was bad. Not compared to how it affected Urhie. At first there was eagerness: “So you think I’ll go to Beauxbaton, too, when I’m older?!” But no matter how much they tried to make things change colour, nothing ever happened. And when Lu was about to start their fifth year at Beauxbaton, and no Flower Petals came for Urhie, their relationship changed. Brusquely and irreversibly. Urhie grew quiet, visibly hurt, at first internalising, later placing all the disappointment in his broken life on their sibling. When they were with their mother, they now played with their half-siblings, or did the chores before Lu could do them, wordlessly. When they were with their father, they hid in their room and blasted music, letting Lu face the violence alone, but instead of kissing the wounds afterwards, he now didn’t even acknowledge them.

And the more Lu tried to escape the tension – staying at Beauxbaton over the holidays, ward themselves with spells at night, or spend more time in the Wizarding City of Antwerpen and Liège – the more Urhie resented them. It was a betrayal. Lu was able to live in a world where there was magic, where there was happiness, and he wasn’t. The traitor was Lu. And so they paid for it.

By their seventeenth birthday and their graduation from Beauxbaton, they had no home anymore.

OCCUPATION: Escort

Dancing the Devil’s Tango, you know? Playing the flute, you could say. Knowing how to truly enjoy eating a banana, is another way to phrase it. Practicing throat massages, loving the nightly work out and specific stretching positions, giving people excuses to wash their bed sheets more often. You get the idea, I’m done. No, wait, one more: Horse back riding but without the horse.

ROLE WITHIN THE ORDER/THOUGHTS ABOUT THE ORDER:

Lu thinks they’re losing. They’re not powerful enough, not strong enough, not smart enough to do anything against the upper class society that has always ruled over this country and will always rule over this country. No, they don’t think they’re bad people or acting against the law, but it all seems so futile. Such great efforts for what? Perhaps a few years of peace before the next racist radical group arises? Adapting is the key, not fighting, no revolution has ever gone anywhere productive, and because the Order isn’t even trying to adapt and make use of those inside of it with privilege, Lu is both condescending towards them, as well as mildly bemused by them.

They affiliated themselves nevertheless because they want to be protected.

First, if their secret ever came out, that they’re really a Mudblood, then the Order might be there for Lu until they can get out of the country. Possibly even help them back to Belgium. Secondly, if the Order does win the war, they don’t want to be known as a Death Eater.

They’re not a Death Eater and certainly don’t have the Dark Mark, but you’d be surprised how deep into their dinner-party affairs you can sneak when you’re only considered the hors d’oeuvre. Nevertheless, Lu’s somewhat affiliated. So if the Order wins the war and their affiliation is revealed, it would be best to be in the Order to say, oh no, I was just working as a double agent, I’m not actually a bad person.

So that was why they began helping the Order out, a few months after coming to England. Nothing big, only some very personal information or clear descriptions of locations that could be useful for Order missions. The reason the Order had such a detailed description of the Nott house in December, was because Lu had taken the freedom to ‘get lost on their way to the bathroom’ and have a snoop around. It was their first ‘trial’ to help the Order with something.

For three months now they’d been helping the Order, solely for their own protection. Until. Well. Until this New Years, when the Death Eaters decided to go against Muggles.

Their war against Mudbloods, Lu had always been able to understand, to accept. Muggleborns couldn’t properly fit into the Wizarding World, not without completely getting rid of their Muggle side. And who would want to do that? To split one’s soul for two completely different styles of life… That simply wasn’t healthy.

But Muggles? Those innocent, stupid bastards? What have they done? Who will protect them? Who will protect Urhie? Lu doesn’t let themself think that name, but that’s the source of their fears, isn’t it?

SURVIVAL:

Lu came to England as an extended family member of the Travers family. Their real name is, in fact, Travers, but that’s pure coincidence, and there’s no relation to the famous British pureblood family at all. It was only with Mundungus Fletcher’s information and a bit of conning that Lu made themself pass as a member of the Sacred 28. Well, that, and long eyelashes batting with promise of the kind of night you don’t dare speaking to your wife about.

At first it seemed risky to burst into the Upper Pureblood Society without a proper patron, but soon enough Lu realised that while the British liked to present themselves as quiet and respectable, they were no less naughty than the French. Living in a small country Manor, part of the Travers heritage, there’s rarely ever a day – or rather night – that passes without visit. And because none of those patrons are the kind of people to speak about their private affairs, Lu lives more easily than ever before.

It would probably be very easy to just stay out of the war, play innocent in case the Phoenix side wins. But what if all purebloods get persecuted at the end of the war? So it’s safer to play on both sides. And if the Death Eaters catch Lu meddling with the Order, they can simply say it’s a matter of double-agenting as well. Only properly joining the Order could be a proper risk, and until very recently Lu had absolutely no desire to do that. For what? To get sent into a mission and die? You wish!

But, well, now New Years has happened and sitting still in their country Manor is not as easy anymore, is it? So while everyone is seeking out safety, Lu is, for the first time, leaving their comfortable den, to get themself into trouble. Stupid? Perhaps. Well. Yes, actually. Most definitely very stupid. But… There’s this feeling. This knowledge that danger lies ahead, but that taking a beating or two is all worth it, if at least it will protect Urhie…

RELATIONSHIPS:

In general, Lu is careful not to make close friends.

Oh, their official list of friends is as long as the guest list for a Gatsby Party, sure, but the people that actually know Lu are … non-existent. In the past, whenever there was someone who came too close to Lu, learnt too much and made it hard for them to continue playing the role of luxurious party host and resident play-toy, they’d jump ship. Go to a new country. Find new friends.

At the moment they’re physically very close with a handful of Death Eaters, but none of them ask Lu for private information, only see them as a fun pass-time, and Lu lives for it. There is safety in not being known. Safety in being loved for all the wrong reasons, never hated for all the right reasons.

When it comes to the people of the Order – most of which Lu has yet to meet – they’re rather indifferent to them. Do they have money? Flair? A sense of humour and an ability to hold their liquor? Let’s be friends! Are they bland and all about the war? All right. Let’s focus on the war. They have no interest in being close to any of those people but that doesn’t mean they’re rude to them. They affiliated themselves with the Order for protection, and they are trying to join now to help the Muggles. Much like you treat your local grocery shop lady, Lu is friendly to them, not really trying to play serious or their glamour-card, just interacting in a professional manner. But again, if there are people in the Order who they think could pay for their bling, they will not draw the line just because they’re in the Order. They see the Order the same way they see the Death Eaters: they don’t care much about their ideologies but sees them as individual people.

Suggestions, as discussed with the players:

Peter Pettigrew/Severus Snape: Both of them are Death Eaters, both of them know the faces that hide behind the masks, both of them are wildly aware what that person, who is helping the Order get to personal information about Death Eaters, is properly doing to get to that information. They know Lu’s not a Death Eater, but they also know they’re not fully on the Order’s side. Interestingly enough, they’re the only people Lu’s wary off – on Death Eater side. The Inner Circle of the Order knows that they must be somewhat close to the Death Eaters, but the Death Eaters can under no circumstances learn that Lu’s flirting with the Order. Luckily, both Peter and Severus are also aware of the power that Lu holds against them, so there’s a mutual tension and black-mailing potential going on.

Mundungus Fletcher: Mundungus is the reason why Lu made it to Britain. The two of them met at a bar in Paris, where Mundungus was currently being caught red-handed in a con-gone-awry. Lu helped him and then “I owe you.” “Great. I actually got something I need help with right now.” At first Mundungus seemed irritated that a Muggleborn wants to play Pureblood, but he showed up the next day at Lu’s place anyway, ready to help them con the British Pureblood Society. Their relationship is riddled with quarrels, jabs and insults, but somehow they can’t quite go longer than a week without going out on a drink together again.

Lily Evans: Is reason for great conflict to Lu. On the one hand, she’s a stupid Muggleborn who isn’t even trying to conceal her identity. On the other hand, she’s clearly a talented Witch. Best of her year, they say? So maybe all those prejudices against Muggleborns isn’t actually true? So while at the moment Lu is still facing her with an air of hostility and sceptical arrogance, they do want to know how she’s doing it; finding all this bravery. It might do them well to learn of another Muggleborn’s past. Either because it’ll teach them that not all Muggles are bad, or because it’ll reinforce this idea that Muggles are in fact not suited to know about magic, that the Statue of Secrecy must be kept at all cost.

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS: Lu x Dumbledore only, please. Only supreme Sugar Daddies acceptable for my Lu.

No, but seriously, I’d like for Lu to actually get attached for once. You’ll see, they’re very vain and shallow, but beneath all that there’s a genuinely sweet person who wants to be protected as much as they want to protect. So whether that be someone older who fits their usual prey – homewrecking is their speciality! –, or someone younger who they wouldn’t even consider as a romantic partner, I’m very open to it all.

WHAT PRIVILEGES AND BIASES DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE?

I think it is safe to say that now that Lu has adopted the Sacred 28 name Travers as their own, they have all the privileges one can only image. They live in a big house with maids and footmen, and while they don’t actually live off the heritage of a long-lost aunt fifth removed like they’ve told the Purebloods they hang out with now, they do have their means to get by. Gain enough money to spend it on all sorts of fun activities.

And because they’ve stopped entering the Muggle world about five years ago, they’re also facing barely any prejudices concerning their skin colour – or extravagant clothes. The former seeming to be a prejudice indeed mostly fostered by a people that took too long to begin travelling the world, the latter a prejudice for a people that has never had a sense of fashion to begin with. The traditional Wizarding costumes are colourful and grand by nature, dramatic in all the right ways, and Lu savours it.

Coming to their own biases and prejudices.

Against Muggles: Stupid, hostile, irrelevant, prejudiced to a painful degree. As the above written paragraph makes it obvious, Lu doesn’t think kindly of their own once-upon-a-time kin – surely because of the way they were treated by them.

Against Muggleborns: Actually, deep down, knowing themselves quite the skilled Magician, they don’t really believe that Muggleblood washes out your powers. However, they do think that every Muggleborn who is still staying in Britain at the moment, without even trying to conceal their identity, is the epitome of stupid.

Against Halfbloods: Barely of any relevance to Lu, but if you’d dug deeper you’d find that they might think any Wizard stupid who thought to marry a Muggle. Can’t be that grand of a family, if there’s traces of dementedness in their blood, right? But mostly they don’t care.

Against Purebloods: In Lu’s opinion, every Pureblood is inherently more powerful than Muggleborns or Halfbloods. I know, I said they know themselves to be incredibly skilled, but those contradictions exist within themselves the same way everything else splits them into two sides. They’ve spent so much time around Purebloods that they can no longer separate the truth from lies, and their beliefs have seeped into their own skin, with a tendency to make them believe they might actually be less skilled at magic as they once thought they were. It’s one of the reasons why they barely ever use magic around Purebloods – simply not to accidentally prove themselves as weak-blooded. They also think all Purebloods are rich.

Against Halfbreeds: Between the horrid prejudices spread by the Pureblood Circles they hang out in, and their own Muggle background, halfbreeds are inherently unhuman to them. In fairy tales, you didn’t see magical creatures be given human emotions. The goblins were greedy, the sirens were sexual predators, the wolves were to devour you. Surely it’s the same in the real world. The house elves love serving, the veelas love dancing on pianos at cocktail parties, and the werewolves want nothing but to kill humans. No matter how much human blood they got in their veins, at the end they’re their fairytale trait… The same way you can’t just shake your Muggleblood, right?

WHAT ARE YOU MOST LOOKING FORWARD TO?

More lovely time with lovely people.

I’m going for Lu because they’re primarily a fun person, their sadness is so deep in that it will be fun to navigate them through a war, maybe bring some ease to the dash!

PLOT DROP IDEAS:

Lu is currently not in the Order. I’d like for them to make it in, because at the moment that’s their goal. They went from ‘affiliated for personal protection’ to ‘I might actually want to do something good in this war’, which is a pretty big step. The reason for this (wanting to protect their brother) is not something they’ve yet admitted to, and I think if the Order questioned them on why they want to join, it might come to the light of day, and I’d like to see them face their prejudices against Muggles.

I could also imagine a plot, much much further down the line, of them being found out a Muggleborn. Literally being kicked out of the Travers house, and losing all their patrons, etc, etc, and being about to leave Britain to run home before stopping and maybe deciding to properly serve the Order now.

But before that, the revelation of HOW it comes that they’ve got such easy access to Death Eater’s personal information. Because while Snape has ‘what’s going on’ information, Lu’s got the ‘who’s sleeping in which room, and how many house elves are employed in a household’ kind of information. It would be interesting to see someone questioning how Lu can know all this and then therefore learning what exactly they’re doing to be this close to Death Eaters. I don’t think they’re trying to hide that they’re an – in pg13 words – Escort, but I can imagine that flaunting love affairs with Death Eaters could pose some problems if they want to be trusted by the Order.

ANYTHING ELSE? Yes! Their Order status at the moment is Affiliated.

EXTRA FOR NON-BIO CHARACTERS:

PAST:

Once there was nothing more important to Lu than their little brother, Urhie. So when the magical Flower Petals came and invited Lu – and only Lu – to join Beauxbaton, something inside of them broke apart, was left behind, died. Their parents had divorced and for months they had spent commuting back and forth between the two households with Urhie by the hand, protecting them from the bribing, the exhaustion, and the inevitable feeling that they weren’t quite as loved as they should be. And now Urhie was supposed to just do all of this alone? Beauxbaton was splendid, magic was splendid, the life the French Wizarding World offered was splendid – but was it all worth it if they had to do it without Urhie? Unfortunately, going home was soon no longer an option. Their mother had a new family and the man didn’t like her children from the first marriage, and their father had slipped into right-winged circles, throwing slurs at the children the moment alcohol touched his lips. For Lu it was easy, they could stay at Beauxbaton over the holidays, ward themselves with spells or spend more time in Wizarding Liège – but Urhie? Tension between the brothers grew. And then Lu met Ferrari. A Wizard from the Russian high society who drove a very luxurious horse carriage (which earned him the name even if no one but Lu understood), and his offer was simple: Join me. Join me, let me bathe you in riches, let me take you on golden adventures, let me introduce to you the most glistening personalities of the Wizarding World. Join me, and all you have to do from now on is look pretty and kneel before me. Lu accepted – and Urhie never forgave them.

PRESENT:

Lu Travers, Pureblood Wix Extraordinaire. That’s how they’re known now. They had quickly become a brilliant gem of the Pureblood Wizarding world, a name people – that is, those with gold piles to their dragon – around the globe knew and invited to their parties hungrily. For years Lu travelled the world, first with Ferrari, then with whoever seemed willing to give them more. And more and more. They were never satisfied. Had the world previously been a crowded train ride between Antwerpen and Liège, it soon turned into the most brilliant and colourful oyster for them to slurp up. Paris, New York, Tokyo, Sydney, Capetown, wherever there were Wix of a pure blood and a decadent culture, Lu went there, lying about where they really came from and soon fitting in more smoothly than most actual Purebloods. Only one world remained closed to them: The Sacred 28 of Great Britain. It was Mundungus Fletcher who reminded Lu that they happened to share a name with one of those Pureblood families, and before they knew it, they were smuggled into London, now on their knees before the most infamous Wizards in history. Lu adores it here. Everything is just the right amount of traditional and elegant, and even though the Sacred 28 are quite careful with keeping the true nature of their relation to Lu a secret, none of them are shy to approach them. They’ve never lived any better. The only problem is this bloody war and the fact that it is, in fact, waging against Lu and their kin. If their secret comes out, it’ll be the end of them. And worse. What if the other side wins? Isn’t there this Phoenix Order? Perhaps it would be best to join them, so that if they win, Lu can say they’ve just played double agent with the Death Eaters? Not that the Order seems to be winning. And Lu doesn’t care – if only his employers hadn’t suddenly decided to kill Muggles…

FC CHOICES: Keiynan Lonsdale (they/them), Chance Pomodoro (he/him), Jordan Fisher (he/him)

reason:

https://youtu.be/8NS22iANsnQ?t=100

“oh damn” – scene change

and the following 40 seconds of that video.

[lutraverselemonde]

bio

CHARACTER DETAILS:

NAME: Ndulue “Lu” Travers

AGE: 26

GENDER, PRONOUNS, and SEXUALITY: Genderqueer. They/Them. Queer.

Lu does not use the term ‘genderqueer’ themselves. They just know – and have always known – that their body does not fit how they feel inside. They know it’s a good body, and they don’t hate it, in fact, they quite enjoy using it for certain physical activities at times, but they just don’t think it belongs to them more than a handbag does.

They’ve tried living as a traditionally female-presenting woman for a while but it seemed just as wrong. So they’ve decided, especially in the face of war, that there’s bigger things to worry about and to just wear and act and love however they feel like it that day. If modern terminology and information were accessible to them, they’d choose ‘genderqueer’ for themselves and so I’m going with the most widely used ‘they/them’ pronouns as well. I can imagine Lu’s skin crawls when people address them with ‘Mister’ or speak of them with ‘he/him’ pronouns, even if they can’t fully put it into words why, but when it comes to playing into the ideas some people have of them, they’re good at sucking it up.

BLOOD STATUS: Muggleborn

HOUSE ALUMNI: Not applicable

ANY CHANGES:  X.

CHARACTER BACKGROUND:

PERSONALITY:

[Lu’s soul is split into two. Their parents divorced, leaving them and their brother commuting between different counties, educations and opposing moral values. They are of magical blood, no one else in their family is, has been, or will ever be. Their taste is accustomed to luxury and fame, but they themselves have no Knut to their name. To which world do they belong? Who are they really?]

Their personality is best described as vibrant and fun-loving on the one hand and selfish and sly on the other.

Meeting them for the first time, you’ll be confronted with a lot of sass, a lot of cheek, a lot of jokes and shallow remarks. They’re painfully honest about what they think of others – or at least their appearances. There’s something hyper-sensual, hyper-sexual to them even, as though their whole world turns around how to get who to bed. In a way, that’s very much the truth. After all, the person they’ve become can only exist as long as they keep being wanted that way. If they like you, they’ll shower you in gifts and wild adventures, they’ll make you get out of bed at one in the morning for a trip to an underground party where everyone is dressed up in Rococo fashion, and if you don’t want to, they’ll shame you for not living your best life. “These are the golden years of our lives, let’s spray-paint us in glitter to match!”

On the other hand they do have a dark past and a deep-rooted melancholy they can not always shake. Sometimes they use this to get pity-points. You see, even though they didn’t go to Hogwarts but to Beauxbaton, they are the epitome of a Slytherin. They’ll do most anything to protect their kin, foul play never out of the question. Lies are their best friend, and they’re damn good at it. In fact, they don’t just take pride in it but also joy. Imagine Regina George complimenting your bracelet only to turn around a second later and comment to her friend just how ugly it really is. That’s Lu. They found happiness in everything material; fashion, housing, parties, carriages is their life. Flowers are beneath them as they die too quickly. Diamonds are a girl’s best friend is their motto. And if you get on their bad side, you will suffer. You don’t know the bad luck that ensues is coming from Lu, but you will experience it intensely. There’s also an intense need to be appreciated, to be everyone’s number one and win first place in any competition – even those where no one else is aware that it’s a competition.

They can play incredibly sweet. Feed you honey as long as they get what they want, help you succeed, and rid you of all your adversaries. But if they feel insulted or neglected, the venom in their bite shows quickly.

So if it comes to what they’re good at, what they struggle with, it’s two sides of the same coin: being honest. Yes, they’ll use their actual hurt to get attention and some extra loving, but when it comes to facing how it actually makes them feel, how it influences their actions, they’ll put up a fight – or distract. They’re a master of conning, even before they met Mundungus Fletcher who helped them to their current life. They bamboozle and bedazzle their audience – and break when the truth beneath the facade is found out. The world’s a stage, they’re the lead role. But if you catch them behind the scenes, or reduce them to being the audience, a feisty tongue will jab and jab and jab until words turn to actions, indeed quite similar to theatre kids not being cast in the role they want.

What this hurt is, that I mentioned? See the next section.

BRIEF OVERVIEW OF FAMILY:

Lu’s theme – a soul divided into two – has its roots, as for so many, in their past and background.

Muggle Belgium is a country split between a French part and a Dutch part, and most people there are raised bilingual. Lu, with their Nigerian mother, was raised with yet a third language, a third culture to appreciate and respect, a third reason why fitting in was nearly impossible.

Initially, it was a happy childhood, with a baby brother Lu was devoted to, and parents who, despite their differences, managed to show their love to their children. But soon the differences grew too broad, and it didn’t help that each fight they had when they believed their children to be asleep was followed by furniture mysteriously bursting, disappearing, or changing colour. Accusations were thrown, insults were hissed, and soon Lu’s father moved up to Antwerpen, far away from the French language, far away from his family, far away from the open-hearted person he used to be.

He became xenophobic, as though blaming every immigrant to be the cause for his unhappy life. Even his own children, now coming to visit him every second week, weren’t safe from his drunk, racist slurs. But staying with their mother wasn’t an option either, as she soon married again, had two new children, blacker than Lu and their brother Urhie, happier, more normal. To the new husband’s sight, Lu and Urhie were a thorn, a mistake his wife had committed and simply couldn’t make undo, a chore. So every second week, Urhie would take their little brother by the hand, go on a train, and travel yet again across the country. It wasn’t perfect. Neither home felt right, and because of the going back and forth, it was nearly impossible to make proper friends at their two schools. And when they did, and the other kids found out that the Travers were children of divorce, they’d be bullied for it. Leaving one county was always filled with anxiety, wondering what would await them on the other side of this train ride. But at least they had each other.

Urhie was a happy boy. He barely remembered his parents fighting, and while the travelling and bullying, later the lack of parental love as well, took a toll on him, he at least had an older sibling who protected him. There was nothing Lu wouldn’t have done for Urhie. They taught him all the best curse words, helped them with the homeworks, built the best blanket forts and painted the greatest tigers onto their face, read them all the Comic books and stole just so much candy for them. They also took their father’s beatings, and got all the chores for their mother done so that their presence would be at least tolerated. At school, they’d meet each other in the courtyard, and Lu made sure that Urhie never felt lonely. Never felt like all of this was his fault. After all, somehow, Lu always knew that it had been their fault, and their fault alone. All the mysterious little things that had happened, the incidents which their parents used to accuse each other of and which led to the awful arguments – that had been all Lu, hadn’t it?

The famous Beauxbaton Flower Petals proved them right. They flew in through the window, even though Lu had been so sure to close it, and that was the end of their childhood. Everything about Beauxbaton was brilliant. The uniforms, the people, the teachers, the building, and of course the magic. Everything felt like a dream. A beautiful, rare, fantastical dream that had to be true simply because Lu knew their brain could’ve never come up with something like this on its own. Was it hard to believe that they were a Wix? No. Was it hard to tell their parents about it? Oh, yes.

Their father responded with a slap to the face. “Stop with your jokes.” The Beauxbaton Secretary, who came a few days later, performed a few spells and while Lu’s eyes grew wide with wonder, their father’s grew darker and darker. Perhaps it was anger, that his child was even stranger and more different than he had expected. Perhaps it was a form of jealousy. Their mother – forbidden to say anything to her husband – cried and cried until all her tears were out and then cried some more, with a dry face now. No one quite understood why but when she finally stopped after five long days, she also stopped acknowledging Lu’s presence. They had died for her, and in the rare cases she needed something of them, a chore done, she’d speak of them in the third person, detached, as though they were just not in the room, but not even in this realm.

But none of this was bad. Not compared to how it affected Urhie. At first there was eagerness: “So you think I’ll go to Beauxbaton, too, when I’m older?!” But no matter how much they tried to make things change colour, nothing ever happened. And when Lu was about to start their fifth year at Beauxbaton, and no Flower Petals came for Urhie, their relationship changed. Brusquely and irreversibly. Urhie grew quiet, visibly hurt, at first internalising, later placing all the disappointment in his broken life on their sibling. When they were with their mother, they now played with their half-siblings, or did the chores before Lu could do them, wordlessly. When they were with their father, Urhie hid in his room and blasted music, letting Lu face the violence alone, but instead of kissing the wounds afterwards, he now didn’t even acknowledge them.

And the more Lu tried to escape the tension – staying at Beauxbaton over the holidays, ward themselves with spells at night, or spend more time in the Wizarding City of Antwerpen and Liège – the more Urhie resented them. It was a betrayal. Lu was able to live in a world where there was magic, where there was happiness, and he wasn’t. The traitor was Lu. And so they paid for it.

By their seventeenth birthday and their graduation from Beauxbaton, they had no home anymore.

OCCUPATION: Escort

Dancing the Devil’s Tango, you know? Playing the flute, you could say. Knowing how to truly enjoy eating a banana, is another way to phrase it. Practicing throat massages, loving the nightly work out and specific stretching positions, giving people excuses to wash their bed sheets more often. You get the idea, I’m done. No, wait, one more: Horse back riding but without the horse.

ROLE WITHIN THE ORDER/THOUGHTS ABOUT THE ORDER:

Lu thinks they’re losing. They’re not powerful enough, not strong enough, not smart enough to do anything against the upper class society that has always ruled over this country and will always rule over this country. No, they don’t think they’re bad people or acting against the law, but it all seems so futile. Such great efforts for what? Perhaps a few years of peace before the next racist radical group arises? Adapting is the key, not fighting, no revolution has ever gone anywhere productive, and because the Order isn’t even trying to adapt and make use of those inside of it with privilege, Lu is both condescending towards them, as well as mildly bemused by them.

They affiliated themselves nevertheless because they want to be protected.

First, if their secret ever came out, that they’re really a Mudblood, then the Order might be there for Lu until they can get out of the country. Possibly even help them back to Belgium. Secondly, if the Order does win the war, they don’t want to be known as a Death Eater.

They’re not a Death Eater and certainly don’t have the Dark Mark, but you’d be surprised how deep into their dinner-party affairs you can sneak when you’re only considered the hors d’oeuvre. Nevertheless, Lu’s somewhat affiliated. So if the Order wins the war and their affiliation is revealed, it would be best to be in the Order to say, oh no, I was just working as a double agent, I’m not actually a bad person.

So that was why they began helping the Order out, a few months after coming to England. Nothing big, only some very personal information or clear descriptions of locations that could be useful for Order missions. The reason the Order had such a detailed description of the Nott house in December, was because Lu had taken the freedom to ‘get lost on their way to the bathroom’ and have a snoop around. It was their first ‘trial’ to help the Order with something.

For three months now they’d been helping the Order, solely for their own protection. Until. Well. Until this New Years, when the Death Eaters decided to go against Muggles.

Their war against Mudbloods, Lu had always been able to understand, to accept. Muggleborns couldn’t properly fit into the Wizarding World, not without completely getting rid of their Muggle side. And who would want to do that? To split one’s soul for two completely different styles of life… That simply wasn’t healthy.

But Muggles? Those innocent, stupid bastards? What have they done? Who will protect them? Who will protect Urhie? Lu doesn’t let themself think that name, but that’s the source of their fears, isn’t it?

SURVIVAL:

Lu came to England as an extended family member of the Travers family. Their real name is, in fact, Travers, but that’s pure coincidence, and there’s no relation to the famous British pureblood family at all. It was only with Mundungus Fletcher’s information and a bit of conning that Lu made themself pass as a member of the Sacred 28. Well, that, and long eyelashes batting with promise of the kind of night you don’t dare speaking to your wife about.

At first it seemed risky to burst into the Upper Pureblood Society without a proper patron, but soon enough Lu realised that while the British liked to present themselves as quiet and respectable, they were no less naughty than the French. Living in a small country Manor, part of the Travers heritage, there’s rarely ever a day – or rather night – that passes without visit. And because none of those patrons are the kind of people to speak about their private affairs, Lu lives more easily than ever before.

It would probably be very easy to just stay out of the war, play innocent in case the Phoenix side wins. But what if all Purebloods get persecuted at the end of the war? So it’s safer to play on both sides. And if the Death Eaters catch Lu meddling with the Order, they can simply say it’s a matter of double-agenting as well. Only properly joining the Order could be a proper risk, and until very recently Lu had absolutely no desire to do that. For what? To get sent into a mission and die? You wish!

But, well, now New Years has happened and sitting still in their country Manor is not as easy anymore, is it? So while everyone is seeking out safety, Lu is, for the first time, leaving their comfortable den, to get themself into trouble. Stupid? Perhaps. Well. Yes, actually. Most definitely very stupid. But… There’s this feeling. This knowledge that danger lies ahead, but that taking a beating or two is all worth it, if at least it will protect Urhie…

RELATIONSHIPS:

In general, Lu is careful not to make close friends.

Oh, their official list of friends is as long as the guest list for a Gatsby Party, sure, but the people that actually know Lu are … non-existent. In the past, whenever there was someone who came too close to Lu, learnt too much and made it hard for them to continue playing the role of luxurious party host and resident play-toy, they’d jump ship. Go to a new country. Find new friends.

At the moment they’re physically very close with a handful of Death Eaters, but none of them ask Lu for private information, only see them as a fun pass-time, and Lu lives for it. There is safety in not being known. Safety in being loved for all the wrong reasons, never hated for all the right reasons.

When it comes to the people of the Order – most of which Lu has yet to meet – they’re rather indifferent to them. Do they have money? Flair? A sense of humour and an ability to hold their liquor? Let’s be friends! Are they bland and all about the war? All right. Let’s focus on the war. They have no interest in being close to any of those people but that doesn’t mean they’re rude to them. They affiliated themselves with the Order for protection, and they are trying to join now to help the Muggles. Much like you treat your local grocery shop lady, Lu is friendly to them, not really trying to play serious or their glamour-card, just interacting in a professional manner. But again, if there are people in the Order who they think could pay for their bling, they will not draw the line just because they’re in the Order. They see the Order the same way they see the Death Eaters: they don’t care much about their ideologies but sees them as individual people.

Suggestions, as discussed with the players:

Peter Pettigrew/Severus Snape: Both of them are Death Eaters, both of them know the faces that hide behind the masks, both of them are wildly aware what that person, who is helping the Order get to personal information about Death Eaters, is properly doing to get to that information. They know Lu’s not a Death Eater, but they also know they’re not fully on the Order’s side. Interestingly enough, they’re the only people Lu’s wary off – on Death Eater side. The Inner Circle of the Order knows that they must be somewhat close to the Death Eaters, but the Death Eaters can under no circumstances learn that Lu’s flirting with the Order. Luckily, both Peter and Severus are also aware of the power that Lu holds against them, so there’s a mutual tension and black-mailing potential going on.

Mundungus Fletcher: Mundungus is the reason why Lu made it to Britain. The two of them met at a bar in Paris, where Mundungus was currently being caught red-handed in a con-gone-awry. Lu helped him and then “I owe you.” “Great. I actually got something I need help with right now.” At first Mundungus seemed irritated that a Muggleborn wants to play Pureblood, but he showed up the next day at Lu’s place anyway, ready to help them con the British Pureblood Society. Their relationship is riddled with quarrels, jabs and insults, but somehow they can’t quite go longer than a week without going out on a drink together again.

Lily Evans: Is reason for great conflict to Lu. On the one hand, she’s a stupid Muggleborn who isn’t even trying to conceal her identity. On the other hand, she’s clearly a talented Witch. Best of her year, they say? So maybe all those prejudices against Muggleborns isn’t actually true? So while at the moment Lu is still facing her with an air of hostility and sceptical arrogance, they do want to know how she’s doing it; finding all this bravery. It might do them well to learn of another Muggleborn’s past. Either because it’ll teach them that not all Muggles are bad, or because it’ll reinforce this idea that Muggles are in fact not suited to know about magic, that the Statue of Secrecy must be kept at all cost.

OOC EXPLORATION:

SHIPS/ANTI-SHIPS: Lu x Dumbledore only, please. Only supreme Sugar Daddies acceptable for my Lu.

No, but seriously, I’d like for Lu to actually get attached for once. You’ll see, they’re very vain and shallow, but beneath all that there’s a genuinely sweet person who wants to be protected as much as they want to protect. So whether that be someone older who fits their usual prey – homewrecking is their speciality! –, or someone younger who they wouldn’t even consider as a romantic partner, I’m very open to it all.

WHAT PRIVILEGES AND BIASES DOES YOUR CHARACTER HAVE?

I think it is safe to say that now that Lu has adopted the Sacred 28 name Travers as their own, they have all the privileges one can only image. They live in a big house with maids and footmen, and while they don’t actually live off the heritage of a long-lost aunt fifth removed like they’ve told the Purebloods they hang out with now, they do have their means to get by. Gain enough money to spend it on all sorts of fun activities.

And because they’ve stopped entering the Muggle world about five years ago, they’re also facing barely any prejudices concerning their skin colour – or extravagant clothes. The former seeming to be a prejudice indeed mostly fostered by a people that took too long to begin travelling the world, the latter a prejudice for a people that has never had a sense of fashion to begin with. The traditional Wizarding costumes are colourful and grand by nature, dramatic in all the right ways, and Lu savours it.

Coming to their own biases and prejudices.

Against Muggles: Stupid, hostile, irrelevant, prejudiced to a painful degree. As the above written paragraph makes it obvious, Lu doesn’t think kindly of their own once-upon-a-time kin – surely because of the way they were treated by them.

Against Muggleborns: Actually, deep down, knowing themselves quite the skilled Magician, they don’t really believe that Muggleblood washes out your powers. However, they do think that every Muggleborn who is still staying in Britain at the moment, without even trying to conceal their identity, is the epitome of stupid.

Against Halfbloods: Barely of any relevance to Lu, but if you’d dug deeper you’d find that they might think any Wizard stupid who thought to marry a Muggle. Can’t be that grand of a family, if there’s traces of dementedness in their blood, right? But mostly they don’t care.

Against Purebloods: In Lu’s opinion, every Pureblood is inherently more powerful than Muggleborns or Halfbloods. I know, I said they know themselves to be incredibly skilled, but those contradictions exist within themselves the same way everything else splits them into two sides. They’ve spent so much time around Purebloods that they can no longer separate the truth from lies, and their beliefs have seeped into their own skin, with a tendency to make them believe they might actually be less skilled at magic as they once thought they were. It’s one of the reasons why they barely ever use magic around Purebloods – simply not to accidentally prove themselves as weak-blooded. They also think all Purebloods are rich.

Against Halfbreeds: Between the horrid prejudices spread by the Pureblood Circles they hang out in, and their own Muggle background, halfbreeds are inherently unhuman to them. In fairy tales, you didn’t see magical creatures be given human emotions. The goblins were greedy, the sirens were sexual predators, the wolves were to devour you. Surely it’s the same in the real world. The house elves love serving, the veelas love dancing on pianos at cocktail parties, and the werewolves want nothing but to kill humans. No matter how much human blood they got in their veins, at the end they’re their fairytale trait… The same way you can’t just shake your Muggleblood, right?