#but damn the level of grief i feel for losing out on so much of my own youth haha… lol…

[aveil-moved]

realizing that i’ve wasted literal years of my 20s being a shut-in makes me want to peel my skin off

[anxiousnerdwritings]

If Daemon’s bby ever died on the battlefield so young: how would her loved ones react? And would anyone (the dragon literally symbolizes their house ofc) fight over her humongous three-headed dragon? Just imagine if it just casually flew away after the funeral without giving anyone a opportunity to claim them.

Daemon would absolutely lose it if his beloved child died in any way. There would be a sense of pride and respect for his bby dying in battle and fighting till the very end, but you can bet he will absolutely destroy whoever had a part in his child’s demise. And he will burn them all to the fucking ground. He wouldn’t rest until the entire lineage of the people involved in his child’s death were wiped out.

Rhaenyra would be in such a severe state of mourning for her most treasured friend/cousin. She would want to fight alongside Daemon and bring down the people who stole their beloved one from them. Rhaenyra’s hurt and anger would be more than enough to fuel her till the end to see the downfall of everyone involved in her cousin’s death. And she would make damn sure she got her vengeance for her late loved one. No one would go unpunished for taking away her bestest and dearest friend.

Given that I imagine this happening before the Dance of Dragons takes place, I can’t help but imagine Viserys’ reaction and how he would be towards Daemon. I feel like this would be something that would very well bring the two brothers together. Viserys can understand the state his brother would be in and he can’t possibly imagine going through it himself. He wouldn’t know what he would do if anything happened to Rhaenyra but he knows damn well he would go to war over it too. He wouldn’t hold anything against Daemon for what he does afterward, he can’t bring himself to knowing he would do something of the same level himself if his child faced the same fate. Viserys would ensure that the Reader got the most deserving funeral of any Targaryen there ever was.

Don’t even get me started on Rhea’s reaction. She would 1000% blame Daemon. Whether she blames his blood running through their child’s veins or his teaching them to never run from a fight. She puts it on him but she blames herself just as much for not keeping her child by her side. There really wasn’t much she could do but that doesn’t stop her from ripping herself apart. I don’t doubt that Daemon blames himself too but Rhea really throws it in his face, especially if this happened in a battle that Daemon and their child were fighting on the frontlines together. Her loss and grief would be too much for her, Rhea wouldn’t know what to do with herself once her child is gone. She would demand their child have a funeral fit for a Royce while Daemon fights tooth and nail that his child deserves nothing less than a true Targaryen send off. The death of their beloved child would only drift the two further apart and bring nothing but more hostility and hatred towards each other.

When it comes to the Reader’s dragon, I can’t help but think of two things. The dragon either pulls a similar stunt to Drogon and takes its’ treasured rider away to somewhere for just the two of them to be, or it sticks around until after the funeral and goes off on its own to live the rest of its days in mourning in solitude and forever being without its beloved companion again. No matter who had the gall to even try and claim the Reader’s dragon for themself the dragon would have absolutely none of it. I could see it taking on a similar disposition to Cannibal after its rider dies. It becomes extremely hostile towards anyone or anything that comes near it, all three of it’s heads retaliating and going after anyone and anything. Hell, I can even see the poor dragon going after itself and the three heads turning on one another in a form of self destruction. Just overall the Reader’s dragon acting out in its own way of suffering and being grief stricken by its detrimental loss.

Honestly, I really can’t see the Reader’s dragon allowing the Reader’s funeral to take place. I could see the dragon seeing this as the Reader’s family and everyone else in attendance further harming the Reader more, especially in the sense of the other dragons being the ones to set alight the Reader’s funeral pyre for their send off. The Reader’s dragon taking this as more of a threat to the Reader than what it’s actually supposed to be and a chaotic dragon fight ensuing with the Reader’s dragon trying to take its’ rider’s body back with it where it can be forever safe and protected.

[dearanakin]

trust you | anakin skywalker: episode IV

Warning: mentions of grieving, injury, cursing

Word count: 3k

Previous chapter | Read on Wattpad

*

Anakin:

4 years earlier

I was standing right in front of his lifeless body. His head right next to it. My trembling hands were both holding crossed lightsabers; his and mine. I've been wanting to kill him since the day that he almost left me to die after Padmé gave birth to Luke.

Holding back the warm tears that were threatening to fall, I felt my breathing become shallow and the air felt condensed. Now I was facing Palpatine dead, but the feeling of relief didn't hit me. That feeling I was longing for, for almost three years, wasn't there.

All I sensed was a heaviness in my chest. For all I know, this is what I wanted. I didn't have a plan to escape his ship, so I had to be quick before the imperial army came after me. I was on a mission all by myself, it was something I wanted to do alone.

No one else would be there for me anyway, not even Obi-Wan. But I haven’t been in contact with him ever since Padmé died. That was when he decided he didn't want to go along with my idea, the one that was supposed to make me feel better.

It was two losses at once. Obviously, losing her was the most traumatic event in my life. But then right after that, what happened between me and Obi-Wan after spending years on his side left a hole in my heart.

And it was never healed. For a while, after that, I would sense his grief even from a long distance. But then he shut that down for me. I haven't felt his presence or sensed his emotions in a long time, and it was probably for the best.

I let go of Palpatine's lightsaber and kept a tight grip on mine. I took a few steps back, calculating what route I should take to exit the ship. By now, the army is most likely aware of what happened. The loud sirens went on and I could hear a lot of shuffling from afar.

My boots walked heavily across the room, and for the first time I noticed how my knees were wobbling. "Damn it", I mutter under my breath.

The adrenaline kept my mind balanced, but for some reason my body didn't want to collaborate. I forced myself out of the door, facing the fresh air that roamed through the corridor. There were soldiers in formation already, waiting for something to happen.

I was quick to deviate the blasts from the pistols with my lightsaber, using my metal hand for leverage as well. There were many doors around me, but I didn't risk my chances getting in.

They trapped me when I was getting closer to the hangar. I guess my anger was at its highest level, because I felt myself shoving all of them back with my Force and knocking them down.

I hurried to the first ship I laid my eyes on and hopped on it, turning on the gears. I flew out of there in a matter of seconds.

When all the adrenaline wore out, I started to feel numb and it felt like I was going to pass out. I took deep breaths and tried to stretch my body in order to keep myself awake.

Bringing my hands to my eyes, I noticed how hard they were shaking. Usually I don't feel the sensitivity on the robotic limb, but my flesh fingertips were tingling and then it hit me.

"Shit", I breathed in dread. I pulled the engine on autopilot and hoped for the best.

I was having a panic attack.

I also didn't have R2-D2 to help me fly back to Coruscant. Much to my dislike, I was inside a small ship with the smallest airflow.

I woke up disoriented, my mouth was dry and my head throbbing in pain. I had no idea how I was still roaming around outer space. I looked at my hands, noticing they were steady, as well as my fingertips that weren't numb anymore.

I took a deep breath and managed the engine to finally go back home. I lost track of time there.

I landed on the hangar and rushed to finally see Luke. He was starting to walk and could speak a few words completely already. I couldn't handle the thought of leaving him for more than I intended to.

Arriving at the Jedi Temple, I walked in my dormitory expectantly looking for him. He was sitting on the floor with one of the nursery Droids playing with him, while C-3PO watched out the window.

The three of them noticed my presence and glanced at me. I walked toward the child and pulled him in a tight hug.

"No need to worry anymore, son. Dad is here".

-

It's been a long way since then. Now I have to be more careful around Luke, and I need to reassure him a lot of things. When I go on missions, he gets worried a lot even though he doesn't feel the anxiety of what could happen.

I stand my ground each time, promising myself I always get back safe and alive. One of these days, I swear I'm going to go into cardiac arrest because of that feeling.

When I got back to my loft after training, I found him nuzzled into my pillow on my bed. R2-D2 scanning the room for further threats. Having a kid these days isn't easy anymore. After what happened four years ago, they kept running after me, looking everywhere.

It took them a while to give up on it, but I always had this feeling in the back of my head that they were always one step ahead, ready to attack. And I never feared for my life, I feared for Luke's. Cal insisted I should recruit him to become a Jedi.

It didn't cross my mind, because I didn't want him to become something I didn't expect him to. I didn't want him to become someone like me. I know how it is inside my head. I want to kill people all the time, the vengeful feeling that doesn't ease. My body is always on alert, I can't trust people anymore.

My conscience never let me step into the dark side, thinking of Luke. If it wasn't for him, I might as well have done that right after I lost Padmé. Wouldn't even have second guessed it for the matter.

In the shower, I pondered about that; like I used to do every night before sleep. Was it really worth it? Was it going to make me feel at peace? It was a hard decision. I leaned my forehead against the tile and inhaled sharply. If only I could see the future, I would've made a decision by now.

The next day I was feeling better, even though the painkillers were masking most of the pain. I dropped my boy off to his classes and headed to the tech room, still in need of having a conversation with (Y/N).

3PO asked me to forget it and let that go, telling me I should be more patient. See, I had an issue with letting things go, and I know it's my biggest flaw. But I just couldn't. I had a few conversations with Cal before and he told me doing therapy would help me a lot. Or even, meet Yoda a few times to help me get through those issues.

But I never did, never thought I should anyway. My stubborn ass wins over my conscience all the time.

I entered the room looking for her and saw her standing in front of an opened drawer. She looked distracted while holding what seemed like a lightsaber grip. My eyes scanned the piece slowly, and then I realized something.

It was Obi-Wan's. My stomach dropped and my throat tightened immediately. It was triggering to think about it, to think about him. To remember him even from the slightest piece of an object. I didn't notice when she turned to face me, her face becoming pale. She still had the piece between her small fingers.

I looked between the grip and her hesitant eyes for a few seconds and cleared my throat. "That's- It is Obi-Wan's?", I heard myself asking in a whisper.

She glanced at it and stared back at me. It was hard to describe her emotions, but it felt like she was probably just as confused. "Y-yes. They found it lying around after he left Coruscant".

I nodded. It couldn't have been long after our last encounter. He left Coruscant right after that, but I wonder whatever happened to the entire lightsaber. I couldn't breathe but didn't want to make it seem evident, so I took a long inhale and murmured "ok".

It took me a few seconds to snap back to reality, watching as she put the grip back in the drawer and closed it. I almost forgot why I was there in the first place.

When I noticed Luke's skyhopper on her table, I rolled my eyes and grimaced. Now there were two things I wanted to talk about with her. I huffed behind her, making her snap her eyes at me.

"What is my son's toy doing on your table? How many times do I have to make myself clear?", I try to be civil and not scare her right off.

(Y/N) glanced between the toy and me, her mouth agape while trying to find words. "They had to leave and asked me to fix it. But I know how you strictly made sure you didn't want me to".

She let her guard up the entire time, making sure she was standing a few feet away from me. I crossed my arms in front of my chest and raised my chin in superiority.

"Good thing, because I don't want you to get a finger near anything related to me or my boy anymore". My voice came out as a snarl, her body language shifted.

I took a step forward and she took a step back. "And while we're at it. Let me tell you something about another thing. This shit that happened to me was your fault".

(Y/N) shook her head and hit her back on the counter behind her. "I'm sorry, I- We did everything we could. The wires were almost molten".

I look down and chuckle in disbelief. You could tell she was beginning to feel scared of me. "No, you see - that's plain bullshit. Because I know how you are all very skilled and when we ask for a deadline, we expect it on time".

I closed the small gap between us, towering over her while my eyes intimidated her. She was reluctant to look back at me, so I made sure she did. I gripped her jawline forcefully and pulled her head up. "Look at me when I talk to you", I rasped.

"You know what happened because of your fucking incompetence. I could've died there, and then what? My son doesn't have a mother, you want him to become an orphan?".

My robotic fingers dug into her cheekbones, she was flinching really hard under my touch.

(Y/N) started to cry and I thought it was pathetic. She has been working around for ages, she should've known I don't have an easy temper at all.

She shut her eyes tightly and whimpered, my fingertips leaving marks on her skin. "I'm really sorry, Master Skywalker. I didn't mean to, I didn't mean to".

I was still towering over her, my forehead barely touching hers when I felt both of her hands grip around my metal wrist. "But you did anyway!".

My breathing was uneven, I felt a sudden headrush.

It was the trigger. Just the thought of Obi-Wan made me feel uneasy.

"Look at me!", It took her by surprise how loud my voice came out and it startled her. She immediately looked me in the eye and I pointed a flesh finger at her. "This is the last time I warn you. Stay the fuck away from me and my son".

Suddenly I heard the door burst and felt Cal's presence. "Hey, Skywalker! What the hell, man?", He sprinted to where we were standing and gripped my arms, pulling me away from her.

I was still staring at her dead. My bloodshot eyes were burning her skin from the eye contact as I watched her move her feet away from me. (Y/N) left the room within seconds.

I looked over Cal and closed my hands into fists. This always feels like someone is testing me. I could just lift my hand and punch him in the face, but I held back the urging.

"What was that?", His scowling tone echoed through the room. He pointed his finger at me, his nose was flaring in anger as well. "Don't ever touch her again or I'll take it to the Council".

Fuck the Council, for God's sake. I'm a fucking Master, not an apprentice anymore. If anything, I could own them if I wanted to.

I watched as he turned on his back and marched out the door, leaving me in a raging state. Next thing I knew, I was flipping a table across the place watching it break into several pieces.

Dude comes in thinking he was a knight in shining armor, what a lame character. I'm pretty sure this close friendship of theirs means something else for him but that didn't interest me anyway.

I let myself out and took my time to simmer down until the meeting happens. This time we were going to see General Grievous and I wasn't very pleased with the idea, but I carried on with it anyway.

When we all sat down on the desk, I shared the news with the others. They still had no idea what the new mission was about.

"General Grievous? That scumbag?", The man from across the table asks in surprise.

Did I stutter?

"Yes. We need to do some agreements that became pending", I nod. This wasn't exactly fun, I have a very strong desire to kill him as well.

Cal was always one giving ideas and usually plans escaping routes. This time he was just sitting in his chair with his arms crossed. His forehead was wrinkly and he had a pissed look.

He wouldn't dare to look at me and I hated him at this moment as well. So I cleared my throat and spoke up again.

"We're gonna need a few people back outside his trade federation cruiser and watch out. I was thinking of bringing Artoo as well" They all seemed to agree with the idea. The red head shuffled in his seat, not saying a word.

I try to disguise the disappointment but I expected this reaction after what happened earlier. I had to push him to the limit, because one way or another I needed him.

"Anything in mind, General Kestis?" I ask loud enough for him to shoot his head up and look at me. Still waiting for a response, I raise an eyebrow.

"No, you're leading the assignment, General Skywalker" He says in a snide tone. "I'm sure you're going to nail it".

Maybe the other men noticed his different demeanor, because I could sense they were looking at each other in complete confusion.

He would never not speak up. He liked to give advice and think through the whole situation, usually we would always have a plan B if needed.

I still wasn't satisfied, so I went through with it anyway. "Are you sure? You always have advice for us".

The others stared at him, watching as Cal stood still in the same position. He shook his head and twitched his lips in denial. I'm gonna fucking choke him.

"Not this time. I guess you boys have brilliant ideas though" He looked back at them and gave them the most fake smile I've ever seen.

Cal is all smiles and hugs, but I know when he's being sarcastic.

I didn't have anything else in mind. I didn't want to push it harder, I know I was losing my temper and it was a waste of time in all honesty.

I decided to ask someone else about strategies and we ended up spending the entire afternoon discussing them. My blood boiling every time I looked at the knight in shining armor watching as he stared blankly at all of us.

My wish this moment was to dismiss him and ask him to take his ass out of his face.

This is going to be a difficult mission and I was dreading the worst already.

I call out to Cal while looking through the papers, the pen still wrapped around my fingers. I feel him interrupting his tracks and freezing on his spot turning on his heels. He doesn’t say a word, waiting for me to speak again.

"Do you have anything to say now they're all gone?" I ask, eyes still focused on the desk.

I hear him sigh and hold his hips with both hands. "No, Skywalker. I already made that sure".

For the first time after a few minutes, I raise my head and give him a sarcastic smile without showing my teeth. He didn't seem fazed at all. I get up from my chair and walk toward him, still holding my pen, my hands behind my back.

"Look, we both know you're a very dedicated man and we also both know you don't wanna fuck this job up" I tilt my head to the side and lower my eyebrows.

He still didn't feel intimidated. That was a good thing, after all. I showed how he could stand up for himself, even though I'm the most insufferable person hanging around.

He gives me a smirk and closes his arms against his chest, raising his chin up. "Ah, when have I ever fucked something up, Master?".

Cal almost never fires back like this, but we weren't on good terms.

He reaches his hand upon my shoulder and gives it a tight squeeze, gripping my shoulder blade. "I can't tell you how much I'm willing to help on this mission. But not because of you. Right now, I wish I could just punch your annoying face".

He doesn't give me time to respond, as he shoves me back in a light push and leaves the room.

I heard the pen between my fingers crack. 

@jackie-on-the-loose @adorbzliz @himesuedi @kingdomhate @himesuedi @cl0esblogg

[flightyalrighty]

came from the other side….saw a ongoing thread about your comic (b u l l e t s & s h o e s) ….as much I like canon as the next guy, I get lowkey angry when they try to hard apply that logic in…a comic that has Sonic covered in guts and blood of his baby brother…like buddy we are WAYYY past canon at that point! Literally just have fun with your story, not everything has to be 100% explained and we all have our own headcanons and takes on said things. 👍 Also get some rest, looks like you need that.

LOL OH YOU SAW ALL THAT HUH

Yeah so like the thing about me is that I care way more about Sonic and Shadow as characters than, say, well. Weapons? I know there's that DBZ influence and all but I do NOT care about power levels. I Do Not Care about whether or not Sonic can slam himself fist-first into a guy at the speed of blammo whammo and explode his head, like I don't care! I don't! I don't!!

So anyone over Yonder in the bird space arguing with me about how Sonic is sooo so strong and could beat up all the G.U.N. soldiers and rescue Shadow all on his own and explode all the bugs with his mind, stakes me damned, just... Immediately lose my interest. Like. That's just so boring to me.

Who cares about power levels. This is a horror comic about grief, not a shonen manga where Sonic's guaranteed to save the day in the end. It's exhausting to do a bunch of research to see what is and isn't possible only for a buncha nerds to come sauntering up trying to argue why the story shouldn't happen because Sonic's the strongest actually and Shadow's immune to being sliced in half with a table saw.

I understand this is inspired by an All Ages series, but boy does it sure seem like. Idk. Juvenile? My dad can beat up your dad kinda shit? Can Superman Kill Goku If He Punches Him In The Throat At Max Strength? I don't care. I really don't. I just wanna tell a story that stirred some personal feelings in me, and that came from a lot of internal shit already that came spilling out.

Is it a little silly to say I want my bug zombie sonic the hedgehog story a little more grounded than what we're used to? Maybe. But that's okay. I'm making what I wanna make and what I wanna see, and THAT is what matters.

Also I'd LOVE to rest but if I rest I'm gonna have to crunch next Wednesday again. I'm trying so hard to break free from the cycle. God. God, the cycle. Someone's gotta kill that witch.

[cowboydisaster]

The Fire In Your Eyes

part IX: horseshoe overlook v

pairing: Arthur Morgan x fem!reader

word count: 6.1k

summary: Three days after watching Arthur fall, three days of grief, three days of regret, and it all comes crashing down on you in one bittersweet moment.

a/n: here we are fellas... a much awaited chapter, technically the second half of last chapter. Star waits three days at the bank of the river... and so I've made you wait three days too. I want to say a few things so if you're sticking around to read the notes buckle up. Firstly I could absolutely not have done this chapter without Margo (linked below). She literally held my hand through writing this lol, and offered me more support, kindness, and praise than I deserve. She gave me so many tips and ideas and suggestions for this and I'm just so proud of the way it turned out, thanks to her. This was a group effort for sure. Secondly, I'm still in shock from the level of support this series has been getting. Its just incredible to see how many people come back so consistently. Last but not least, I love you guys, really I do. And I can't wait to see what you guys have to say about this chapter.

beta read by @margowritesthings

warnings: nsfw, 18+, minors dni, violence

series extras

SERIES MASTERPOST

It's been three days, searching the banks, knowing that he won't be back, won't be coming home. You saw him hit the water, and he didn't come back up. A fall like that is barely survivable. You know he's gone and it isn't until you allow yourself to think it that you break. All that you should have told him, should have opened up about and you didn't. You didn't. And now Arthur will never know any of it.

Arthur is gone, and he left thinking that you didn’t want him. You hate yourself, for your inability to open up and you hate him for this whole job. You told him you didn’t feel right about it but no one listened. Now he's gone and you're so mad, so angry with the world and your heart and him. 

It's pouring, thundering and lightning in the dark night and you've started to accept that he isn't coming back. In your head you know it, it's all you've thought about. You know he's gone, he's never returning to you, but your anger keeps you from returning to camp because what is the gang to you without Arthur? Can you really go back there and live with his ghost?

The rain pounds down on the top of your tent, falling down and drenching the ground. Lightning lights up the night, showcasing to you the dark, empty lake. John had come by a day ago, and when you realized he was alone your heart shattered all over again. It's a strange thing, you realize, to love someone but never have the courage to admit it until it's too late. Thinking back, you know you loved Arthur, it's obvious, but you couldn't admit it at the time. It took losing him to realize how much you need him. You don't know who you are, here now, without him. You belong nowhere, you have nothing, you want nothing other than him. 

You think about going up north, up to West Elizabeth for a while, but you can't bring yourself to leave the shore just in case. You haven't eaten. You haven't slept. You've been sitting in this tent at night haunted by ghosts and regrets, and surveying the lake in the day, futile as it may be. You know you need to do something, to go somewhere other than this damn shore, but you're lost. Your head tells you to run, but your heart tells you to go back to those who care about you. 

Arthur cared about you. And it's sick, and it's twisted but you're so mad at him for your feelings, so mad that he cared about you so much because it made losing him that much harder. 

Lost in thought, you don't even hear the footsteps as they approach the tent, nor do you hear Balius's quiet nicker. The rain doesn't help, coming down along with thunder that shakes the ground. You don't even notice his presence until he speaks up. 

"Star?" 

Everything stops. Your eyes go wide, and immediately fill with tears at the familiar, gravelly voice that you haven't been able to get out of your head for three days. At first you're sure you're imagining it, losing your mind, until he speaks up again. 

"Star? Y'in there?" He asks again, and too shocked and confused to speak, you crawl out of the tent. Your eyes land on him as you stand in the rain and you freeze, mouth agape. He looks…  he looks fine. And you take a step back as the emotion of it all comes crashing down. At first you're shocked and confused, and then you're relieved… and then you're mad. Because you spent three days thinking he was dead, and he's standing in front of you washed up in a brand new outfit with a smile on his face. The rain soaks in your clothes, drenching you as you try to breathe. 

"Where have you been?!" You cry out, full of emotion and fear and rage. Arthur sees it all playing out on your face, and his eyebrows draw together. 

"What-" He begins but you interrupt him.

"Why are you walking up here  like everythings just fine? Where were you?!" You half cry- half hiss, thinking of all the time you'd spent scanning the water, waiting for his body to wash up. 

"Swam down the river and hid out for a couple days till the bounty hunters lost me." Arthur sighs like it's the most obvious thing in the world, "What's the matter wit you?" 

Arthur isn't used to having someone to return to. No one asks or complains if Arthur comes back late from a job, he's never had anyone care so much as to worry for him like this- he's just not used to it.

You huff, a humorless, sarcastic laugh. 

"So you were just hidin' out?" You ask as a loud boom of thunder shakes the ground. 

"Yeah." Arthur huffs, irritated with your attitude. Your tone is angry, condescending and sarcastic as you continue on. Tears fill your eyes, but he can't see them in the dark.

"Well, I'm glad you've been safe all this time." You reach into your tent grabbing his hat before throwing it towards him angrily. "Here's your damn hat. Found it washed up in the river after you fell. Y'know, it would have been nice if you let me know- If you let me know you were just camping, taking a few days off while I've been here!" You yell, fighting back sobs, watching as he grips his soaked hat, growing more confused. 

"Star- what is your problem?" 

"It doesn't even matter." You toss your hands in the air, chuckling humorlessly. Your hair is soaked through, and Arthur glances to the sky as it lights up with bright white lightning. 

"Clearly it does matter! Ain't my fault you can't express your damn feelings!" He yells, growing angry alongside you. 

"Oh, that is rich coming from you. Like you can?!" You immediately bite back, voice growing louder as you step closer to him. 

"Yeah! I can, with you! I told you about my past, about my son and my parents and Mary! And I know nothing- I know nothing about you- what you want, where you've been." Arthur yells louder than the thunder, pointing his finger in your face as he does so, "You won’t open up and it's killing you. God- what are you so afraid of?! What's holdin’ you back? It's eating at you and you won't just deal with it SO WHAT IN THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLE-" 

"I THOUGHT YOU WERE DEAD!" You yell, stepping forward with your shoulders squared, meeting him with just as much aggression. You're so angry with him, for the train and for coming back like nothing happened. Your anger gets the better of you as you lean forward, hands pressed against his chest and you shove him backwards with all the fire you can muster, growling as you do. He stumbles backwards, eyebrows drawn together as you ball your fists, ready to scream at him, to berate him for leaving you out here. But at the thought, something in your heart cracks, and the fire and the rage pales in comparison to the fear of losing him. 

A loud boom of lightning sounds out, and Arthur prepares for your inevitable verbal knives with his eyes cast on the ground, but you never throw them. 

When he looks back up, your shoulders are rising up and down heavily, and your finger points at him like you're about to chastise him, but you don't. He watches as your shoulders slump slightly, and he sees the way your hand, pointed at him, falters. Glancing up to your eyes, he sees that you're fighting back tears, and biting down on your lip to stop it from trembling. 

Exhausted, and terrified and hurting, you can't find it within you anymore to yell. In fact your voice is barely above a whisper as you meet his green eyes, 

"I spent days thinking you were dead… Do you have any idea what that was like?"  

Arthur sees the moment that you break. He watches as your face crumples, and he sees the pain that you've been going through. God, he didn't even think. He didn't even think. You crumple, erupting into quiet sobs as you hold your face in your hands. In two strides his arms are around you, and you sink into his touch, letting all of the pain and the grief be washed away by the rain.

"I'm so sorry, Star. Shit, I'm so sorry. I'm here. It's okay." He coos, protecting you from the rain with his warmth as you sob into his shirt, wrapping your arms around him to make sure he's really here. 

"John had to pry me away from that bridge…" You choke out, "I thought you were dead and I can't- I can't lose you, please, please don't leave me-" You whimper, feeling more vulnerable than you ever have in your life, but knowing that you trust Arthur with every fiber of your being to be the one to piece you back together. At your words, Arthur's heart shatters, falling to the ground in fragmented pieces along with your own that had fallen apart three days ago. Even with the rain, lightning and the pitch black, he cups your cheeks, pulling your teary eyed gaze up to him. 

"Look at me. You aren't alone- look at me, Star- I'm not going anywhere." 

And looking into his eyes, seeing him here, you know it's a promise he intends to keep. He's in front of you, he's safe, and having him here is too much and not enough all at once. He's scanning your eyes, searching for something to signal that you're going to be okay, and that's when it happens. With his hands resting on your face, and his eyes searching yours, you lean up on your toes, and you kiss him. You kiss him with everything you have in you, ignoring the storm and the pain in your heart. You thought you'd never have the chance to do this. And with him here in front of you, you need him to know that you want him too. You've repressed so much love and so much emotion, and now that he's here in front of you, you can't help but feel it all. 

He's shocked at first, eyes open and lips slack until he catches up and leans back into you with just as much emotion. His eyes slip shut, and you curl your hands into his shirt, opening your mouth for him to gain entrance. Your tears slip down your cheeks, mixing in with your lips. It's hungry and raw and filled with the emotion of you terrified of losing him, and needing him in every way possible now that he's here.

You pull away to catch your breath, tears slipping down your cheeks as you look up to him, making sure once again he's still here. He smiles down at you, wiping your cheek with his thumb, smearing the rain and the tears away. And then you're pulling him back down to you, kissing him again with the same hunger, and he kisses you back. His hands grip onto your waist and he pulls you against him as your lips slot against each other. It's him who breaks the kiss this time, and he looks down to your eyes, his green irises searching yours and seeing the intention in your gaze.

"You sure you want this?" He asks you, rain soaking his hair and causing a piece to hang down in front of his face. 

"Stop talking." You whisper, barely a breath as you run your fingers through his hair before leaning up to kiss him again. Your hands grip onto him, and you whimper into his mouth as his tongue mixes with yours. You need more, you need him. You need to know he's with you. 

Arthur seems to read your mind, hands grabbing the underside of your thighs as he pulls you up against him, carrying you. Your legs wrap around his hips, and you only break the kiss momentarily as he carries you into the tent. He lays you down on the soft blankets, taking a moment to admire you laid before him in the lantern light. Then he lines your body, leaning over you on his forearms as the storm rages on outside. His lips are on you again, in the crook of your neck, kissing the spot where your pulse beats erratically. Your legs are still wrapped around his waist, and as he kisses you, his left hand unbuttons your shirt. 

"You done this before?" Arthur asks, pressing messy kisses to your jawline. He remembers your conversation up in the Grizzlies, and he's almost certain this is new for you. You shake your head. 

"No." You admit. You're no saint, but you've never trusted anyone enough to go this far, not before Arthur at least. 

He exhales, nodding, but he seems hesitant, his hands slowing on your buttons. You grip either side of face, pulling his attention to you.

"I want it to be you. I need it to be you." You admit, whining as he groans, nodding. He leans back, sitting up in between your legs to shed his clothes. You help, pulling his shirt off of him quickly once the buttons are undone. He's left in just his jeans then, but you stop him from taking them off. You pull him down back over top of you, and he obliges, though a bit confused. 

"Kiss me." You plead, and he does. He kisses your lips over and over again, he kisses your neck and your jaw and your forehead while you get used to everything. He wants to do right by you, he wants to do this your way. 

You reach your hand down between your bodies as Arthur pops the last button to your shirt. You line your hand along the bulge in his jeans, and you press against it, eliciting a deep groan from Arthur. You smirk, popping the button of his jeans before slipping your hand inside. You wrap your hand around his shaft, feeling how much he wants you. 

It's overwhelming, all the feelings he gives you. In every way. He's perfect. Warm and loving, and his tan skin is kissed with freckles all over and he's so beautiful it makes your heart ache.

"I'm ready, but I don't know- How do we do this?" You whisper against Arthur's ear. You're letting him take control, and he nods, kissing your lips softly. 

"Let me take care of you, let me be strong for you." He whispers, pulling your shirt over your shoulders and kissing your collarbone until there is a mark.  Then he leans down, pulling your dark jeans down over your legs by the waistband, leaving you fully exposed. Once your denims hit the discarded pile of clothes, Arthur leans back, smiling down at you. You can't find it within you to be self conscious, not with the way he's looking at you. You lean up on your elbows, watching him drink you in as he leans up to grip onto your hand. 

"You're so beautiful…" He mumbles, eyes trailing up your figure lovingly. He squeezes your hand, and leans down to your right thigh where a messy scar lies, the gunshot wound from Blackwater. He kisses the scarred skin. 

"N' so strong." He whispers, rubbing his thumb over your knuckles.  Leaning up to meet him, you crash your lips against his own, trying to shove his jeans down off his form. He chuckles, leaning back to shed the denim. Now both fully undressed, he stops, looking over you again. Your wet hair is sprawled out on the blankets, lips plump from where he's kissed them. He's sure you're the most beautiful thing he's ever laid eyes on.

"Arthur-" You whimper, pulling him back down to you by his hand. He takes his time warming you up. There's no rush, and you're so glad to just be together. 

He places kisses down your chest, in between the valley of your breasts, and you chuckle, fingers intertwining into his hair as you pull him back up to your lips. 

"Arthur?" You breathe out. 

"Hmm?" 

"Touch me." You plead, spreading your legs for Arthur. He smiles, running a finger down your thigh as he leans in to kiss your neck. You gasp, feeling his fingers brush against your core. He stops, groaning when he feels how wet you are, the sound cathartic. Then once you wrap your legs around his waist, he resumes his pace. His thumb gently rubs around the small bundle of nerves at your core, and you gasp, gripping onto his shoulders as he continues to kiss your neck. Then as his thumb continues, his middle finger stretches into your tight heat, and your nails dig even deeper into his shoulders. 

"Please, just-" You beg, but he stops you, pressing a kiss to your lips. 

"Sweetheart, I gotta take my time. I don't wanna hurt you." He says, and you nod, trusting him. He works his finger in you for a while, curling it up and coaxing little gasps from you. Then, he stretches a second finger into you, and you wince from the pull, but after a while of him working you, it starts to feel good. And shortly you're breathing quickly, ready. 

"Perfect." Arthur whispers, sliding his fingers out of you while he presses a kiss to your forehead. His arms flex on either side of your head as he holds himself up, and your legs wrap around his waist as he lines himself up. 

"You ready?" 

"Yes, yes-" You mumble. 

You feel the tip of his length against your entrance, and you spread your legs even further for him. And then he's sliding in, slowly. You gasp loudly, gripping onto him tightly as he thrusts in, slow as to not hurt you. 

"S'it hurt? You okay?" Arthur asks, stilling as you toss your head back and pant. 

"No- yes-?" You whimper, acclimating to the feeling. You nod, signaling him to continue as the thunder rumbles outside, not nearly as loud as your gasping breaths.

"Oh, Arthur-" You moan as he slides into the hilt, and bumps into your sweet spot. He slides back out partially, and then picks up a slow, steady rhythm. Your body arches beneath him, and you moan, pulling his face down to yours in search of his lips, tears coming in rivulets. He kisses you again, giving you butterflies as he thrusts in and out of you. You grant him access to your mouth then, and when he pulls away to breathe, still thrusting steadily, you whimper, tears running down your cheeks. 

"Star?" Arthur asks, worried. And he stills his movements. 

"No- don't stop." You beg, pulling his head down into your chest as he resumes his movements. 

"I'm so glad you're okay Arthur." You cry, shaking against him as you hold his head against you. 

His lips are on yours then, reminding you that he is here with you, safe, loving you. 

"I'm right here, darlin'." He reassures, and you nod against him, biting your lip. You can't help the moans that you start to let out, timed with every one of Arthur's thrusts. He runs his thumb over your hard nipple, teasing it and giving you goosebumps. You don't have to worry about the noise, as there is no one to hear you but the raging storm outside. The power of the black clouds, bright lightning and pounding of rain pale in comparison to the crashing together of you and Arthur. Your moans seem to encourage Arthur, and he begins to thrust even harder into you, kissing you in between his movements. You can't keep your hands off of him, running them from his face, pulling his lips to yours or digging them into his shoulders as you gasp and moan. 

He feels the same way, gripping your hips, kissing your breasts, and your lips and your neck it's almost too much. You feel yourself approaching an orgasm quickly, but you fight it, clamping down on yourself in an attempt to slow the process. You don't want this moment to end, you could stay here forever with him, and never have to worry about anything else. But your abdomen clenches and you feel your nerves begin to tingle. Arthur isn't oblivious to this, and he runs his thumb over your sensitive bud, leaning down to whisper in your ear.

"Star, let go." He whispers, lightly biting your earlobe. You shake your head, gripping his shoulders as tight as you can manage. .

"No." You argue, squinting your eyes shut and shaking your head, thighs clamping around him as you try to stop the inevitable. 

"Darlin, let go. I told you, I'm not goin' anywhere." He whispers again, and you release, automatically setting off the intense waves of pleasure that crash down over you. You set Arthur over the edge, constricting around him and your moans fill the tent as you arch your back, pulling his lips down to yours. You moan into his mouth, hips rocking against his own as you climax, feeling so close to him and so intimate and vulnerable. You never knew it could be such a beautiful thing. 

He begins to groan loudly in your ear, and you pull him down to you as you continue to rock and moan against him. Your grip on him tightens, and you're not sure whether or not he's planning on pulling out, but you don't want him to. You need him with you. Your legs wrap even tighter around him and he gets the message. A few stuttering breaths later and Arthur groans, grinding his hips against you as he finishes in you, lips pressing kisses to your own between heavy groans and breaths. 

His forehead falls against yours, resting there as he catches his breath. You do too, still clinging to him in every way possible. After a few moments, he presses a slow kiss to your forehead, and then slides out of you. You wince from the pull, but once he lies down on the blankets beside you, he pulls you into the crook of his arm and covers you with the blanket. You rest your head on his chest, soothed by his heart beat after the past three days. 

"You okay?" Arthur asks, running his hand up and down your back over the blanket. You nod, truthfully. 

"I think I'm better than I've been in a long time." You admit. Arthur leans up on his elbow, grabbing your canteen from his side of the tent. 

"Here." He offers you the water, and you take it willingly, sipping down some of the cool liquid before handing it back to him.

You cuddle down against his chest again, hand sprawled out on his stomach as he looks up at the ceiling, thinking. 

"We gotta talk about this. Please, don't close up again, not now." Arthur says, worried that come morning you'll close yourself off again. You nod. Truly, you have no intention of hiding anymore, not after tonight. But for now you don't want to talk, you just want to be with him.

"In the morning?" You ask, tucking yourself into his side, yawning. 

"Yeah, in the morning." He whispers, and you lean up, pressing one last, slow kiss to his lips. He chuckles as you toss your leg over his, formed tightly against him. 

"Arthur?" You ask, not meeting his eyes. 

"Hmm?" He asks, hand still running up and down your back while the other holds yours tightly. 

"I'm so glad you're okay." You say again, a tear falling down your cheek and getting lost against his chest hair. You draw stars on his bare skin, distracting yourself as he wraps the blanket tighter around you both, protecting you from the thunder outside. 

"I know, sweetheart. S'alright now, you just get some sleep."

Everything seems to make sense now, like it's finally fallen into place. You grip onto his hand, holding it as you start to drift off to sleep. You're his grief, his joy, everything he desires and loves. And you feel the same about him. You've denied yourself this for so long, that finally having it happened in one big collision. You wouldn't change it, lying here with him now. You know you have to talk about this, and you have to get Arthur back to camp, but it's all a problem for tomorrow. Right now it is about the two of you, just existing together for the first time.  

— — — — 

When you begin to wake up, it takes you a few moments to come to your surroundings. Your eyelashes flutter open, eyes squinting to block out the harsh sunlight that is filtering through the tent flap. There is a strong, steady warmth underneath you, and realizing your surroundings, you smile. Your head is laying on Arthur’s chest, legs still intertwined and hands still locked together under the blankets from the night before. Arthur's other hand runs soothingly up and down your bare back, and you prop your chin on his chest to look at him.

"How'd you sleep?" He asks, voice deep and groggy. 

"Real good." You hum, telling the truth. You've slept in the same bed as Arthur on a handful of occasions, but you've never been able to do so as openly as now. You've never woken up so content before, even with the residual ache in your hips. It's a good ache, a reminder of where Arthur had touched you, binded his body to yours in the most intimate of ways.

"I'm sorry that I just… jumped you last night." You whisper with a chuckle, fingers running down Arthur's chest, tracing through the sandy blonde hair there. 

"Do you regret it?" Arthur asks, looking down at you sprawled over his chest. Immediately, you shake your head.

"No. Not at all." You say truthfully. Even though the circumstances around your crashing together were less than ideal, you don't regret it even for a moment.

"Good." Arthur hums, smiling down at you. 

It grows quiet for a while, comfortably so. You listen to the birds and the river, but mostly Arthur's steady breathing, and you realize that you could lie here with him forever. You thought you'd lost him, and now that he's here, you can't bring yourself to let go for fear that he will disappear again. At the thought, you realize that you've not discussed what happens now, and a question forms on your lips. Your hand is still intertwined with Arthur's, and you play with his fingers as you speak up. 

"I reckon I already know the answer to this… but this was more than just sex right?" You ask, a little nervous. You're almost certain this is an emotional commitment, but your anxiety still prods at you. Arthur cracks a smile, bringing your wrist up to his lips before tenderly kissing the point where your pulse beats.

"Yes," He laces his fingers back with your own, "I'm all yours darlin', if you'll have me."

"Always." You whisper, ear pressed against his chest. The rhythmic pounding of his heart is a sound you can't get enough of as you slip your eyes closed, still reassuring yourself that he's here. 

"We gotta head back soon," You sigh, "I know John is worried sick. I'm sure everyone else is too." You whisper, feeling a pang of guilt in your chest for keeping John in the dark while you'd kept Arthur to yourself all night. 

"Just a few more minutes." Arthur counters, wrapping his arms around your waist. His thumb glides over your lower back, and you look up to see him lost in his head again. 

"Why did you stay out here? Why didn't you go back to camp with the others?" Arthur asks, propping his hand under his head to look at you. 

"How could I have left you? I didn't know if you were alive, I didn't think you were, god- that fall… but the thought of you hurt somewhere, or needing help, I couldn't just leave." You whisper, emotion bubbling up again at the thought of his fall. You don't bother to hide it anymore, even though your nature wants you to. 

"I can't stop seeing it, Arthur. I've never been that scared in my life." You admit. 

"It was a hell of a fall, I'll tell you that. Hurt like hell hittin' the water too. I didn't even know if I was alive, the water turned me around real bad and then I was on the shore of the Upper Montana River." He explains, eyes lost in the memory, "Hid out for a while and I heard the law whistles so I stole a horse n' ran to Strawberry. I was so worried about you… I didn't see you get away." 

"Cause I didn't." You whisper, "John had to pull me away from the bridge. Athena carried me here and I sat in the grass the rest of the night just… waiting for you," You take a deep breath, a loose tear slipping down your cheek, "and then your hat washed up, and I was sure you weren't coming back."

You can't shake it. Every time you bring up the bridge it all comes rushing back. 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't come back to you." Arthur hums, feeling terribly guilty as he sits up in the tent. You sit up next to him, pulling a blanket around your shoulders to cover your breasts. 

"Well, you're here now." You whisper, teary eyes looking into his. He shakes his head, and you see the regret in his eyes. 

"I shouldn't have called you a hypocrite. That was unfair of me." Arthur says, and your hand reaches up to his cheek, running through the thick stubble there. 

"No, you were right. That's somethin' I've thought about a lot the past few days, somethin' I plan on workin' on." You say, "And, Arthur, I shouldn't have gone through your journal."

Arthur huffs, humorously. 

"S'all you anyway." Arthur admits, and your eyebrows pull together, not understanding. 

"My journal. It's all you." He reiterates and you smirk. 

And then he's pulling you into his lap, unable to keep his hands off you now that he's able to touch you like this. 

"We have to go." You chuckle as Arthur runs his thumb over the purple splotches on your collarbone. His lips are on your jawline in a heartbeat, pressing slow, languid kisses to it. 

"They can wait." He whispers against your skin, thumbs gripping onto your bare hips as the blanket slips down from your shoulders. You lean into his kisses, loving the feeling of his lips on your skin, something you've denied yourself for so long. 

Your stomach grumbles lightly, and Arthur slowly leans back, raising an eyebrow at you. 

"You eaten anything?" He asks, and you sigh. 

"No." You admit, sighing as he slides you down off of his lap. 

"C'mon, let me make you breakfast." 

"Didn't think you were the type; cookin' a girl breakfast the morning after." You chuckle as Arthur starts plucking your wet clothes up off the floor, tossing them in a useless heap. 

"Yeah, well… only for you." Arthur huffs, grabbing your saddlebag from his side of the tent.

"You got any other clothes? These are drenched from the rain." Arthur asks, nodding to your outfit from last night. You nod, searching through the bag until you find a decent outfit. You grab a pair of black jeans and a white long sleeved shirt and you pair it with a tight black vest and a choker-style neckerchief, it's a damn cute outfit. 

“Alright, go on and get breakfast ready, I’m starvin.” You joke, pulling your shirt over your arms and buttoning it from the bottom up. Arthur laughs, eyes lingering on you for a moment before he groans, getting himself dressed for the day. 

He makes a little fire out front, and you smile, sitting at the entrance of the open tent as he prods and pokes at the smoldering logs with a stick. He puts on a little pot of coffee, and pulls a few cans from his satchel. 

“It ain’t much, but it’s what we got.” Arthur says, stabbing his knife into the top of one of the cans and cutting away the seal. He hands it out to you then, and you smile at the label. Strawberries, another delicious treat that Arthur had stashed away in his bag.

“It’s perfect.” You hum, slipping your fingers into the can and pulling out one of the berries. Today proves to be the calm after the storm, and despite the rain that soaks into the ground, covering the grass in a mist, the day is beautiful. The sun shines brightly down onto you and Arthur, sipping your coffees and making quiet, comfortable conversation. One by one, eating the berries, you begin to feel replenished. Not having eaten for the past three days, too devastated to even move, you devour your whole can of strawberries, and then you pick at Arthur’s. It breaks his heart a little, seeing how you’ve deprived yourself of basic needs in his absence, but he says nothing. You squint your eyes shut, relishing in the warm bitterness of your coffee until you’ve drunk it all down. 

“Thank you.” You say, placing the empty cup on the ground next to the empty cans, “For everything.”

“Course.” Arthur smiles, standing from the ground with a groan. He picks up the trash, and you raise an eyebrow at him as he tosses it into the woods. In just a matter of one night he’s managed to piece you back together, both physically and emotionally. It’s a debt you’ll owe him forever, though you know he’ll ask for nothing in return. 

“Star?” Arthur asks, looking at the tent as you stand from it, packing up, “This John’s tent?” He asks, looking over the familiar dark camping kit, one that he’s pitched his own next to on many occasions while out working.

Your eyes go wide and you snort, remembering that John had left you his camping kit back when you’d told him you planned on staying by the river. 

“Oh my god-” You say, horrified, “We’ll have to get him a new one.” 

Arthur chuckles, amused as he brings the tent down and starts packing it up with the blankets. 

“Nah, he won’t know.” Arthur brushes it off, snickering to himself. 

“Arthur-” You chastise, jaw open slightly as he rolls everything up and ties it onto the back of Balius. Arthur says nothing, a smirk on his lips as he walks to the front of his scarred shire, petting his head. 

“Missed ya, boy. I hope you took real good care of the lady while I was gone, I know you did.” Arthur whispers to his stallion, patting his neck a few times while pulling some mints from his saddle bag. He gives Balius one, and then looks back to you, blushing at the smile on your lips from his whispering. 

“Ready?” He asks, gripping the horn of his saddle. 

“As I’ll ever be.” You sigh, kicking dirt into the fire before mounting onto Athena, patting her in thanks for getting you across the river all those days ago.

You wonder what happens now. When you return to camp will Arthur showcase your newfound relationship?- If that's what you’re calling it, that is. You don’t know if things will slip back into their usual routine, or if this will change everything. You’re not ready for the gawking, hushed whispers of the girls, or the disapproving glare of Dutch. Though it's nonsensical, you feel that everyone will know what happened out here, and you feel terribly selfish for spending the night with Arthur when his own family didn’t even know he was alive. Still, you don’t regret it. 

Trotting across the river back towards Horseshoe Overlook, back towards home, you glance up ahead. Arthur is in front of you leading the way, and you release a breath, letting all of the worry and the guilt fall from your shoulders and be lost in the river. Because no matter what faces you back at camp, he's with you now, by your side with no intentions of leaving. You'll face it together.

taglist: @margofiore @mrsarthurmorgan7 @woman-with-no-name @tillith @luvliewriting @pine4pple-b0i @photo1030 @dudsparrow

series taglist: @catnotbread @chxosangxl @globetrotter28 @justalittlerayofpitchblack @fruittiest-of-loops @randomidk-123 @heyworld-whatsup @btsiguess-kpop @how-the-heck-would-i-know @rratman @eyelovie

[larchelle-ffxiv]

more 7.0 spoilers bc I was DRAINED after finishing msq yesterday. also a lot of headcanon stuff for my skrungly bc I have THOUGHTS AND THINGS I GOTTA WRITE

- so this expac hurt obviously, but MAN I didn't expect it to touch on grief and loss, let alone HOW it approached that. where shb and ew had similar themes going on of "regardless of the loss and sorrow we are faced with, we will learn to press on and continue", that sorta thing. dt is here like "hiya gamers are you ready to learn how to ACTUALLY LET GO OF THAT LOSS? HOW TO ACTUALLY SIT DOWN AND PROCESS THAT GRIEF? WELL YOURE GONNA LEARN TODAY"

- everything about alexandria/LM BROKE ME. a really powerful message on how impressive and impactful technology can be, but also how quickly it can be weaponized and abused. and the shit about erasing the memories of those who die just being commonplace???? the turali people who were in the dome, found themselves losing THIRTY YEARS OF THEIR LIVES, their loved ones back in tural thinking they were dead or missing and they were RIGHT THERE, some in that time REALLY DYING/BECOMING ENDLESS? good GOD that fucked me up. not to mention EVERYTHING ABOUT SPHENE. she didn't ASK to be made into an endless, she had goddamn levin sickness and WENT TO TRY TO HELP HER PEOPLE ANYWAY, preservation forced her new self to put the people's needs and desires so much in the forefront of her priorities that she became a TERRIBLY FLAWED leader, but was so blind to her faults bc she "did everything for her people's wellbeing". she's a heartbreaking character for sure, ugh

- this expac gave us SO MUCH GOD DAMN WORLD BUILDING. WOW. ive never done every single yellow quest in an expac, but I've made it a huge goal of mine to do it here esp throughout the expac, and it's been SO WORTH IT. the further extended lore, the foreshadowing/clarification and further explanation for things, it was all terrific jfc. now I wanna go back and do yellow quests for all the expansions bc bro. this shit is just SITTING HERE??? FOR FREE????

- I've finally figured out why people (aka capital g Gamers on reddit/ff forums/twitter) don't like this expac. it's absolutely feeling like what stb has become to a lot of the player base. it features a lot of POC, has female leads, and we as the WoL aren't The Main Character. at least in stb we had more of a presence as WoL, but here one title doesn't matter anywhere near as much in comparison. also, with a lot of the dialogue/plot stuff/music (esp the songs with lyrics) , this expac is kingdom hearts coded AS FUCK. it's goofier than EW/SHB, it has more corny stuff going on, wuk lamat is LITERALLY female furry sora. they're mad that we aren't the Main Character, they're mad it isn't as edgy/horrific/depressing, they """can't relate""" bc everything is so diverse and full of hispanic culture, and they're fucking FIXATED on wuk lamat's VA being a trans woman. jfc I'm so glad I'm not on Twitter and I don't look at the ffxiv reddit, bc the shit I've heard has been pathetic and obnoxious lmao. like, try to have ACTUAL CONSTRUCTIVE THINGS to complain about.

also, I hold the unpopular opinion of HW being my least favorite experience in game. the beginning of it is SO GODDAMN SLOW AND PAINFUL, and i honestly got soooo bored of seeing the same looking white elezens/hearing about the Catholic Control and Drama. i also really dont like the dungeons or trials (minus the last msq one, still great thematically), and playing 50-60 as a scholar was NOT fun lmao. hilda, the OST, and everything relating to the DRK quest line are basically all that kept me going through that expac.

But I won't go being a goddamn asshole about it to people who like it!!! let people ENJOY things jfc lmao, also recognize that every single expac takes time to hit the Big Frickin Moments (aka level x7 most of the time), and not everything needs to involve huge amounts of massacre and horror!!! even then, did yall NOT pay attention to what happened with solution 9/living memory??? where goddamn SOULS ARE A CURRENCY???? how about the mamool ja SACRIFICING INFANTS EN MASSE in hopes of a two headed son being born, and putting all their faith in that son to get them out from the deepest depths of the jungle???? or the war between them and the x'braal???? is2g the lack of media literacy/reading comprehension amongst gamers, I'm so TIRED

RANT OVER UGH ANYWAYYYYY

- chelle is absolutely gonna find her adoptive mom satsuki in the canal town section of living memory. hands fucking down. ive had this idea for y e a r s now of them having a chance meeting in the aetherial sea as she "died" after fighting zenos in UT, but it fits SO WELL to have it take place in LM of all places. satsuki spending YEARS trying to find her lil meow meow again, hearing tales of what sounded like her girl, but how in the hell did the shy, sickly child she once cared for get strong enough to become a whole ass HERO??? and just always ending up in each place she was too long after she had left, bc she was only able to work off of hearsay ;A;

me and my partner have it where satsuki's wife and her always hoped to visit tural together, and she gave her wife notes on how she needed to help satsuki find this young miqo girl she adopted after her wife went to travel again. as luck would have it, enna was in tural waiting for satsuki to join her there (satsuki and her were doing research based on chelle's appearance and accent and essentially crossed every continent off the list over time. esp Ala mhigo bc, even tho that's where satsuki found her, enna knew she couldn't be born there based on she herself being Ala mhigan). enna becomes chelle's viper mentor and says that she knows her mother, but doesn't elaborate much until they get to know each other better.

so them finding her in LM? still running a tavern and keeping people happy with booze and food and sea shanties all sung off key? oh it's gonna DESTROY THEM, but be such an important step in getting closure/learning to face grief head on/letting her go without regrets. and they're gonna be a family and UGH I CANT WAIT TO WRITE IT

- fellow wolgrahas. fellow wolgrahas how the FUCK WE DOIN BOYS, LIKE?????? they really gave us a main story quest to help an endless find an engagement ring to propose to his beloved, AND THEN IMMEDIATELY AFTER. put us on a gondola ride with g'raha so he could have a """heartfelt conversation"""with us AGAIN???? BRO!!!!!!

chelle and him are absolutely gonna finally address their relationship again, where g'raha has been struggling to figure out whether or not to propose lol. he really wants to do something to symbolize them being together for life, but knows that she isn't the kind of person who likes just staying in one place/being tied down and isn't really about traditional. well anything lol. he's gonna stumble his way through all those thoughts before she gently cuts him off, reassuring him that she understands and appreciates how thoughtful he's been about the whole thing. reflect a bit on what they've seen and been through, both in the first and since he returned to the source, and with this couple and them talking about "living without regrets/living life to the fullest"(gotta reread the dialogue for when I write this lol). and thought stuffy fancy shindigs aren't her thing, she knows damn well that he's someone she wants to see the world and share her life with.

and SHE'S the one who gets down on one knee and asks him to elope with her/be life partners. the bitch PROPOSES HERSELF, but is too stupid to realize/still too scared of vulnerability to actually call it what it is. and he's about to burst into tears and before he can say anything the gondola knocks into the pier at the end of the ride, as chelle's kissing his hand, causing her to nearly headbutt the poor boy in the crotch and both of them panicked going "OH GODS ARE YOU OKAY, DID YOU GET HURT, SORRY". and they stare at one another before chelle awkwardly laughs going "i guess this would be a bad time to make a joke about "giving you head", huh" or something else cringe like that, to which they both start laughing, holding hands as they step back onto the pier before those laughs are joined with joy filled crying as they hold each other as tight as gd possible and jfeivoeoivoeor

I'm sure I'll have more to say and reflect on but this is already super long and I just. wow. what a goddamn incredible experience dawntrail has been.

[thequeenofthewinter]

Hi! For the OC Ask game - 4, 15, U and 🥹!

Hello there Moriche <3

4.  First time experiencing grief

Right to the jugular, eh? I commend you on your question choice because it is a very good one. Let’s see…Dahlia has experience with grief unfortunately, and it was something that haunted her for a while due to the circumstances surrounding that grief. (More perceived loss due to the Civil War and stress related to taking over duties as Jarl…why don’t I let her tell you about it?

Quietly, they make their way out into the cold drizzle falling onto Windhelm's streets today. It is accompanied by a biting wind swirling in the air, promising a cold, hard Fall. She ignores it, along with Ulfric's questioning gaze. All she can do is keep moving forward. If she stops, she will not be able to continue. They make their way down the steps to the right of the Palace and through the nicer section of the Valunstrad to stand at the edge of the city's graveyard.

"Why are we here?" Ulfric asks her, but he doesn't get an answer. Dahlia only keeps a painful hold on his hand as she tugs him through the labyrinth of marble, granite, and overgrown brush.

They stop at a tiny grave at a long-forgotten place in the back of the graveyard, secluded and far away from prying eyes. In contrast to the other stones around it, this one is fairly new, yet to be touched by signs of the elements to weather its smooth surface. The polished marble must have cost a fortune, and it is clearly well taken care of, fresh baby's breath flowers and dragon's tongue are set out in front of the marker, and there is not a spot of moss to be seen.

"Whose grave is this, Dahlia?" Ulfric asks again, gentle concern in his tone, as he squeezes one of her cold, clammy hands.

The silence which meets this question feels damning. Her mind is an empty room, and her thoughts are left to echo alone in the darkness of its Void.

He must not have looked at the inscription on the headstone yet, or he would know the answer to this question; this is the reason she dragged him out here. She did not know any other way to tell him.

The last remaining strength she held onto to get him here leaves her as she falls to her knees and cries. Concerned about Dahlia's well-being, Ulfric kneels with her, retaking her hands in his own. However, now that he is near eye level with the headstone, the inscription reveals itself to him:

The bravest and strongest of all Stormcloaks. Someday, we will meet again in Sovngarde to tell you how much you are loved.

Guilt gnaws at her insides as Dahlia turns her tear-glazed eyes to look at him. "You knew, you asked...and I didn't--"

Everything suddenly makes sense to him as the pieces fit together to form a picture brought from the depths of his worst nightmares.

No wonder Dahlia is so tired. No wonder it appears she has near-constant purple-tinged bags under her eyes. No wonder she appears to be much too thin. And no wonder she has held herself as if the very wind would break her with the slightest breeze.

For a moment, she just looks at him, tears streaming down her face, as he tries to process this information and also tries to comfort her in any meaningful way. "I was--we were--" He stops.

"I am so sorry, Ulfric. I didn't mean for this to happen. I didn't think of the consequences. All I could think of was--" She chokes on her words unable to force any more from her strained voice.

He isn't sure how he feels about this news yet. He'll let himself feel and figure that out later. For now, Dahlia needs him. She has been dealing with this, the aftermath of the Civil War, running Windhelm, and keeping watch by his side almost all by herself.

"This is not your fault." Ulfric looks at her earnestly, eyes threatening their own tears, yet he holds them back as best he can. "How could you think this ever was your fault or that I could ever blame you?" He speaks the last words in the quietest whisper, his voice taking on a watery tone as he loses the battle against his own emotions.

Neither of them say anything more, instead opting to hold each other tightly as they cry quietly over the the little patch of ground in front of them.

15. First thing they remember feeling proud of

Hmm…I think probably the very first thing Dahlia remembers being proud of is picking up some basic swordsmanship with her father. They don’t have the best relationship, so those lessons are one of the few things she can hold on to from her childhood and remember fondly—and with pride. Dahlia was always one who was more into books rather than fighting with weapons, so when she was finally able to pick up the first steps and swing her blade with her father, it made her feel like she did have a connection to him (even if she couldn’t understand him many times). 

U. First pet names/nicknames they give each other

Ahh, of course. Dahlia likes to call Ulfric “my bear” and in turn he likes to call her “my heart”. (Yes, I am sappier than a maple, but it warms my heart.)

🥹 - First time describing strong emotions, and how you've improved since then

First time describing strong emotions…well, I had no idea what I was doing when I first started writing (do any of us?), and I just kind of tap, tap, tapped at my keyboard and put any and all words down to try to string something coherent together. When I first started writing, I don’t think I thought too much about those emotions, even if they were there. It wasn’t until later after the first 10 or so chapter where I started “getting into it” and when I found my first groove (so to speak) where I started focusing on those emotions more fully, I guess. I just kind of went with my gut, closed my eyes, and reached for the words as I felt my way around describing them.

Once I started, I didn’t stop. I really, really like writing strong emotions, maybe too much and maybe I get too into it, but it makes me happy. I think I would say that I have improved in the sense of both developing emotions in trying to show them rather than just telling. I’m still trying to improve. I don’t think I will ever stop

[idealisticrealism]

TCL 3x04 thoughts

Ngl this ep was pretty epic. Spoilers ahead.

The main things:

In-universe, it has now been a total of about five days since the events of ep 1 (Arman going missing, Thony meeting Jorge and Ramona)

But sigh this ep really was the Thony and Jorge show, wasn’t it? I’ll admit it upfront, I enjoyed watching their interactions change through the course of the ep, though god it was hard not to think about how absolutely incredible it would have been to watch Thony and Arman being the ones dealing with this situation together instead. But putting that aside, it was interesting to watch her and Jorge go from shouting at each other (and kind-of shooting at each other!) and ordering each other around, to Thony realising he was going to help her, to him playfully teasing her (the idea of burying her in the desert now nothing more than a joke to him despite the fact he’d been completely serious about it only days ago), to his concern about her potentially missing Luca’s interview, to his reaction to her comment about ‘losing a brother’, to her challenging him again and him calling her out and then her acknowledging the terrible things that she has also done, to him awkwardly comforting her as she absolutely breaks down about everything being her fault (which was hard to watch but kind of warranted lol), to fighting for their lives together, to him seeing that she has the guts to be ruthless when she needs to be, to him immediately obeying her orders when they find Fi, to him watching her with respect as she saves Fi's life, to him bringing her van back to her and them bonding over both their success and the realities of life with little kids, to her trusting him with the vial and its contents… like damn, that was a lot of progression for one episode! Reminds me of how much her relationship with Arman changed over the course of the pilot (but idk, with its own different vibe-- not really any of that electric chemistry and feeling of meeting someone you were always meant to meet and who is going to fundamentally alter your life, like Armony had, but more like finding a kindred spirit in an unexpected place? Idk). But anyway, the exchange “I’m not the man you think I am, Thony”/”Well maybe you could be”  compared with her 1x03 exchange with Arman “You’re not the man I thought you were”/”What am I then? Say it. You think I'm a monster” was definitely interesting and says a lot about how much Thony has changed since then. Her view of Arman changed over time because of how he got lighter and she got darker, and so they kind of met in the middle– whereas now, with Jorge, she is already so accustomed to his and Arman’s dark, morally grey world that it doesn’t scare her like it used to, and plus Arman showed her that even the ‘bad men’ of that world can be good in many ways, or can at least change for the better.  In this ep Thony saw the playful side of Jorge as well as the kind side, and though there was plenty of the dark side too, it was directed at people who even she thought deserved it, in a form of justice. Meanwhile his view of her changed from thinking she was just an erratic, reckless mess who didn’t listen to anyone, to understanding that she’s brave and determined and capable, and that her actions have been driven by both grief and an incredible level of family loyalty. Plus, she proved she could handle the harsh realities of his world and that she wasn’t afraid to do what needed to be done, nor did she shy away from his own darkness. It must have been an absolute revelation for him to see her so calm and warm and at ease after her family was all reunited at home, and to realise that this is the real her, and that the near-feral creature he’d known over the past several days was purely a result of the incredible trauma and strain she was under. No doubt it’s during the events of this ep that his reported ‘fascination’ with her truly starts… and I guess we’ll see where it goes?

Okay seriously though what was with them using the song ‘Listo pa’ pelear’ as the example of music Jorge likes???? Aka the exact song that was used in the opening scene of 2x01, which was a montage of Arman cleaning in the prison??? I have literally listened to this song so many times that I thought I was having a stroke when it started playing in this ep. Does the music tech for the show just really love this song, or are they trying to subtly highlight the connection between Jorge and Arman??? I’m so confused

Yessss Thony handling a gun has been on my list of hopes for this show forever, because it’s visual evidence of her further progression into the criminal world (my dream of Mob Boss Thony is inching ever closer), and I’m just sad that Arman didn’t get to see it because he would have been so damn proud

Love Nadia going from 'holy shit’ (terrified) upon meeting Ramona and realising she’s Sin Cara to ‘holy shit’ (exhilarated) when Ramona blows up the sportsbook and welcomes her into the family lol. I think Nadia has a new idol haha

(Now I’m imagining the next Sin Cara meeting, with Ramona inviting Nadia and Jorge bringing Thony, and them all being one happy little crime family lol) 

Man, there is no way that Fi and Chris are walking away from that super messed up desert journey without some intense PTSD. Like seriously, Fi looking around the van at everyone (including Chris) panicking and suffocating? That was freaking haunting, as was the macabre trail of bits and pieces (and the body) left behind by other immigrants in the desert. This show really does not pull punches when it comes to immigration issues and I respect that so much. (Also, the idea of border vigilantes is so absolutely fucked omg)

Ok I’m sorry, but no fucking way would Thony allow there to be an unbarricaded door in Luca’s room that leads to the outside of the house. Just nope lol, not a chance, but clearly its necessary for next ep lol so ok

Other stuff:

Our Adan is in the credits again; because of the photos, I guess? Also Nadia’s pic of Arman on the bike is a S2 BTS shot of Adan, I still remember seeing it for the first time :(

Speaking of motorbikes, I’d wondered what happened to the brief glimpse we saw in an early trailer of someone riding the bike Arman got at Bosco’s camp– never would have thought it was Nadia and not Arman on it though! Damn the writers are just making her even more badass

Is it sad that I recognised the location where Nadia meets the bounty hunter as the same spot they used for filming exterior scenes at Hayak’s truck depot (and which I'm 100% sure is literally on the studio lot)?

“We got a problem with Thony” lol how many times is Jorge gonna hear this from Dante? She’s already so notorious she gets first-name use lol

Ramona’s gallery is called ‘Sombra’, or ‘Shadow’, which is a cool nod to the shadowy world she operates in

Lol at the guys that drove Thony into the desert just yeeting her stuff out of the car and hightailing it outta there like "nope we ain't getting in the middle of this, byeee!" Lol

Love JD being just completely all-in for this family, and Chris calling him his Step-dad <3. Also damn that actor’s voice is just so incredibly soothing, I could listen to it all day

Nadia and “Auntie Kate” (lol) have the same kind of snarky antagonistic vibe as Garrett and Arman. But lol about time they froze Kamdar’s accounts, Nadia should have never even had access to them in the first place given their estrangement and how he died. I feel for her though, going from rich to desperately scraping for money to rich again to having nothing again, poor woman must be so stressed haha. Though I guess she’s getting a nice little chunk of insurance money now , so all good again lol

“Where are you from?”/“Las Vegas” Wooo that’s right, Vegas is her home now!

Omg the happy family reunion, my heart!! Also Camila and Chris continue to be adorable, please let her come back writers! I mean Luca is already calling her ‘big sister’ so she’s clearly meant to be family haha

Okay, a new wish for this season: to hear Thony tell Jorge/Ramona/Nadia “It’s not about doing things the right way or the wrong way, but any way you can. Arman taught me that” at some point. Please writers I neeeeeed it

[semper-legens]

96. House of Leaves, by Mark Z Danielewski

Owned?: It owns me Page count: 709 My summary: A man makes a film about his house, and the corridor that has mysteriously appeared within. Another man writes a book of critical analysis about the film. And a third man picks it up after his death, and begins to delve into the mysteries of the house on Ash Tree Lane. This book is not for you. My rating: 5/5 My commentary:

I've posted about this book once before, and as much as I love it, House of Leaves is not an easy book to summarise nor talk about. The surface-level story fades into the background beside cryptography, cyphers, codes, hidden messages, hidden meanings, and a dark secret beneath it all. It's one of my absolute favourite books - I first read it as a teenager, and have periodically returned to it ever since. This readthrough actually began months and months ago, as my book club read through it a chapter at a time, with a lot of really interesting discussions about the meaning of the book.¹ And what is that meaning? There's a man, there's a house, and there's a minotaur…but behind it all, there's a man and a woman and their struggles with grief and the loss of their father. Mark Z Danielewski alongside his sister Poe (who produced a companion album, Haunted² as well as appearing throughout the book in several degrees of literalism) have created a book that is not quite horror, not quite thriller, but definitely a story of love and loss and redemption that, if you're the right kind of person, will really resonate.

Like I said, it's hard to talk about House of Leaves in any meaningful way, because a summation of plot and characters and such don't even cover half of what this book has to offer. There's an eerie tone to it, a foreboding mystery that tantalises the astute reader. One thing I was struck by while reading it with first-time readers was how well the book teaches you to read it - slowly bringing in the digressions by Johnny in the footnotes, introducing the idea of codes and cyphers and challenging the reader to be on the lookout for the secrets hidden within the text. It dangles the idea that the story is true or the story is untrue over the reader so often, leaving it for the individual to divine the truth from the text.

And there is no one overriding truth to this book. This is the ultimate example of a work that lives on interpretation - some call it horror, some call it romance, some call it thriller.³ I believe it's a book about love, and about how love can both damn and save a person. Johnny falls into ruin because of his loves, and is similarly uplifted from it the same way. Love saves Navidson, and Zampanó's lack of love and human connection leaves him to a lonely grave. Danielewski pours his love into this book, abstracted through the house and the minotaur - because the darker side of familial love in particular is here too. Pelafina is smothering to Johnny, and Zampanó's situation with his son led to him being cold and closed-off. This is a story of love, but it is also a story of loss. Everyone loses someone. Nobody is immune. And that's life, right? You can have the perfect house, the perfect children, the perfect middle-class domesticity, but there's always something off about even the most perfect existence. A dark truth, lurking at the heart of your home, of the place where you should be able to feel safe. But a house is not a home. And you are not safe.

This book is a masterpiece, and if any of that rambling sounds interesting to you, I'd definitely recommend that you check it out⁶. It's indescribable, it's indecypherable…it's House of Leaves, baby. And I wouldn't have it any other way.

I'm almost sad that I can't reproduce any of our commentary here, but funnily enough I don't have perfect recall of conversations that happened over the course of months and began at the start of the year.

It's really good, go and listen to it right now.

One could call it found-footage horror, but that genre wasn't quite codified⁴ by the time the book released.

It came out the same year as The Blair Witch Project, the film that put found-footage horror in the public eye. Given that the book was ten years in the writing, Danielewski was likely not aware of the genre as he was writing⁵.

Then again, he might. I can't say what the man did or didn't know. After all, while Blair Witch codified the genre, it didn't create it.

I'd recommend it if my rambling wasn't interesting to you either.

Next, a girl named Hero and a wicked man.

[awaytobeunshaken]

Angstpril 2023 - Day 19: Breaking Down

“What’s with you?” Fresh Cut Grass has seemed a bit more on edge than usual since Bells Hells reunited. It wasn’t too surprising at first; the whole moon situation had upped stress levels for all of them. But after, when they should all be enjoying a well-deserved reprieve from existential concerns, at the very least, the automaton seems about ready to snap. Ashton doesn’t want to let it become a problem.

F.C.G. lets out a pretty good approximation of a sigh, for someone who doesn’t breathe, but doesn’t answer.

“Hey, I mean it.” Ashton sits down to face them. “You sound like you’ve been taking a beating, and I know you haven’t. Do we need to get you checked out? Tighten up the chassis or whatever? Or just something on your mind?” F.C.G. doesn’t tend to talk much about their own issues, but there were times, like the encounter with Dancer a while back, where it was clear their emotions were starting to get the better of them.

F.C.G. pulls the little wheel free from his pack, and spins the dial to point to a face with a flat, expressionless mouth.

“Meh?” F.C.G. nods. “How come?”

They shake their head. “Don’t worry about it. It’s stupid.”

“So? I talk to you about stupid shit all the time.”

Letters looks at the ground. “I miss FRIDA.”

“Oh.”

“See, I told you it was stupid.”

“It’s not.” Honestly, Ashton has been struggling to make sense of F.C.G.’s new relationship. They’re sure how something like that would work between two machines, even as person-like as they knew one of them to be. Then again, he wasn’t entirely sure how it worked between people, either. What was clear, though, was that F.C.G. was clearly distressed by FRIDA’s absence.

“And it’s like, I missed Dancer when I thought she died, and sometimes now, even, but it’s not like that. And I missed you all when we were separated, was worried for you even, but it didn’t feel like this either. And it doesn’t make sense; this shouldn’t feel as bad. FRIDA’s alive, and I know where they are, and I can talk to them, and they still like me. Is this what being in love feels like?”

Ashton shrugs. “Wouldn’t know.”

ao3

“Yeah, you said that. Orym would. Maybe I should talk to him.”

Alarm bells start going off in Ashton’s head. “Don’t talk to Orym.” They put a hand on F.C.G.’s shoulder. “I don’t know what it’s like to be in love, but I do know that he’s been through a lot worse than what you’re dealing with. It might seem… I dunno, insensitive.”

“Oh. Yeah, maybe you’re right. Maybe I just need to try not to think about it, keep my mind off of them.”

“Yeah, that might help.”

It didn’t. Two days later, and F.C.G. is… not looking like he’s about to snap anymore, thankfully, but in a noticeably low mood.

“Have you talked to Letters recently?” Orym asks. “They seem a little… off.”

“Yeah. It’s stupid. Fucking lovesick robot.”

“Oh. This is about FRIDA?”

“Yeah.” Ashton tries to put as much disdain into the word as possible; he doesn’t want Orym to think he’s taking this whole thing seriously.

“You sound like you’re not taking it seriously.”

“I mean, it just feels like kind of an overreaction.”

“It’s how he feels. That’s totally valid.” Damn it, now they’re the one looking like an asshole. “Besides, things hit different when you’re in love. Spending time apart, seeing someone get hurt… losing them. Even the grief isn’t quite the same.”

“But how do we even know that they’re really in love? I mean—”

“Look at him.” Orym points at F.C.G. sitting separate from the rest of the group, head down. “He’s positively moping. Maybe I should talk to them.”

Ashton can only follow as Orym wanders over to sit beside F.C.G. “Hey, you seem kinda down lately. Feeling lonely?”

“N-No?” F.C.G. stutters, glancing at Ashton. “I-I’m fine.”

“It’s all right.” Ashton explains. “I told him.” They turn to Orym. “He… I didn’t want him to bother you.”

“Oh. Then, yeah, I guess I am kinda lonely. I mean, we agreed that y’all need me here, and that FRIDA didn’t want to leave Deanna alone, but I still miss them a lot.”

“Yeah.” Orym smiles. “That’s normal when you care about someone. What kind of things do you tell FRIDA, when you message them?”

“Just, y’know, anything new that’s happened, sometimes what y’all have been up to, or any plans we’re making for later. That kind of stuff.”

“Do you tell them that you miss them?”

“I mean, I’m sure they already know, and I only have so many words…”

“You should try it. Actually connect a little, not just make a diary entry. You know, I tell Will all the time that I miss him. He can’t answer, of course, and I don’t know if he even hears me, but it helps.”

F.C.G. tilts their head to the side, and their eyes seem to brighten a little. “Thanks, Orym. Maybe I’ll try that.” And they pull themself upright and roll away.

“Did you mean that?” Ashton asks Orym once they’re alone again. “About talking to Will?”

“Oh. Yeah,” Orym replies, seemingly surprised that Ashton would question it. “Every day.”

[misarem]

umineko ep 1 impressions

i liek never rlly successfully text post on here. but since i keep fan art and vgm on here i thought i might as well track my progress on this million word 100 hour visual novel JOURNEY to look back on later. obv spoilers for the first episode and its tea party and ??? segment.

for the most part, what drew me into umineko was atmosphere and that amazing ost and ive watched little out of context vids on the game just to get a taste cuz im just rlly into it. im so glad i chose Umineko Project over 07th mod for my first pt since just small things like the rain effects and the lip synching add so so much. the Experience of Umineko just has really nice levels to it. Ive listened to goldenslaughterer like a million times just from that one erika furudo clip and it didnt lose a bit of its power when i heard it for the first time in the scene at the garden shed and it made that whole scene just so exciting after literal hours of shifting from light playful scenes with the cousins and tense scenes with the ushiromiya siblings, building upon both heavily only for both sides of the family to just come crashing down in one morning.

speaking of the cousins i feel like theyre by far the most fun characters to hang out with outside of maybe eva and natsuhi reading the fuck out of each other. i have a long history of immediately gravitating to my cousins during family get togethers and its really nice to see they more or less keep their camaraderie through the events of the first episode except for maria but like. lmao. also seeing the cousin's varied reactions to their parents deaths hits kinda close as someone who has a really strained relationship with theirs. how grief manifests differently for each of them based on the trauma and issues they have with their parents is so interesting to see and i feel like a lot of games dont really explore this besides the kids feeling generally sad abt it, and im super excited to see the inner workings of this family laid bare.

that also includes the parents as siblings too cuz even tho theyre all kinda fuckheads in their own way, theres some real truth to how their upbringing kinda ruined all their relationships and potentially their outlooks on life. and even tho krauss is the most outwardly fucked up most of the time, rosa is Super sinister to me just being a character whos at the lower end of a power dynamic but still having responsibilities as a mother. of course we know how she mistreats maria and it would be nice to see rosa like admit that her issues with maria are somewhat her fault, but it would also be nice to see rosa begin the path of redemption and like ive seen clips of her with the rifle in one of the episodes so im sure itll be somewhere hopefully. at the very least i like the inlaws a lot too, hideyoshis nice, kyrie is super cool and the irony of her "flip the chessboard" outlook not being used before krauss could turn the tables on his other siblings earlier, because rudolf wouldnt let her talk, is not lost on me, and i was unsure abt natsuhi at first and she def still has issues but she really grew on me by the end after she had sorta made up with jessica, especially the scene where she accepted the charm from her daughter. again i gravitated toward jessica from the start and her experience feels like the richie rich version of how i was in high school, and her and her mother have a lot to sort out with each other, but the gesture and the fact that they both at least tried starting to make things better was just. so sweet. as for other characters, i rlly like kanon and shannon, the other servants besides like the chef guy are cool and kinzos funny as hell (love that in the UP translation he calls jessica fucking ILLITERATE for being a c student. like damn girl me too). again i cant wait to see how everything pans eventually pans out.

this is just a tentative ranking for the characters ive seen so far. i maybe coulda put george one rank lower idk, even tho ive seen hate for him, i just kinda like him. hes good with kids and the scenes where he lost his loved ones were touching. and like yea his relationship with shannon from a power dynamics perspective isnt great but i feel like it was kinda fraught to being with anyways.

for the plot i admittedly dont have a ton of ideas so far. ive never been one to make crazy predictions on stories as i was experiencing them. and im trying to here which is why im writing everything out. but, with my previous exposure to the game being crazy out of context clips, it makes the main conflict of the first episode being the issue of an 19th person and the reality of magic kinda weird considering. all the shit ive seen. with witches. and is anticipating crazy shit. i rlly didnt know what to think until the tea party and the ??? segment which did elucidate things. guessing that going forward, instead of having to reckon with the presence of magic, battler is gonna keep his strong stance against the "magical/fantastical/etc" and that he and beatrice will be diametrically opposed, considering i also know how they end up in debates later on and stuff like that. bernkastel in the ??? segment also explains how beatrice is more of a metaphor of an abstract concept rather than a person which also makes things kinda simpler in my head. and i know about the metanarrative aspects too (clocking all the detective literature references) so im prob gonna hold off until i see a bit more of it to make any crazy predictions. i mostly just wanna see new perspectives on some of the weirder happenings like the tool shed murders and the chain locked room, why natsuhi shot herself, how the key to the gold was even located so that the first six could be chosen and everything else. super excited to jump back in with episode 2, even tho the previous episode felt like it took eons to get thru, and i cant wait to see how everything changed over the course of this game.

also i swear to god if this girl is who i think she is-

[tiianwens]

29. Reaction to sudden interpersonal disaster (eg close family member suddenly dies) --- for the excessively detailed hc meme !

the excessively detailed hc meme.

putting his heart under a thousand locks and doing what needs to be done, and then processing it much, much later. too many people died on him, and he's been hurt in other ways too many times (in both lifetimes), but any sort of disaster is usually a call to action. his skills are needed, so he has to stay level-headed and cool to make sure no one else gets hurt, and of course, the first instinct that kicks in is to protect his disciples. the aftermath will leave him shattered where no one can witness it, but on the outside he would usually appear so calm and unperturbed that it would be only natural to assume he doesn't care at all.

the same applies to conflict/interpersonal painful situations. if it's possible to leave and avoid, he'd leave and avoid. if it's not (e.g. in 0.5 verse where the discomfort is constant and escaping the situation physically isn't an option), he'll try to distance his mind and heart from it as much as possible, usually involving going nonverbal and avoiding any form of communication. the man is too proud to let his true feelings be known. he's not really used to anyone giving a damn either, so it's easier to just keep everything bottled up and slowly pull the thorns out one by one and assess the damage while no one watches.

but when i think of the worst case scenarios for him (big story spoilers ahead for those who are reading the book and don't want plot twists to be ruined!!), there are two amazing illustrations:

— the realization that he fucked up in 0.5 if he managed to a) allow his disciple to be affected by a horrible, irreversible curse that slowly but surely eroded and erased his entire personality and b) watch the man he loved turn into a monster and deem it the result of his own hatred rather than a curse. because when conflict occurred, CWN was the one to distance himself where he could've apologized (he wanted to apologize, yet he chose to do it by proxy who followed his instructions and didn't mention that he was the one who made the goddamn wontons).

and it left him with the horrible knowledge that he couldn't share with anyone, as he knew that whoever was behind it would be watching closely and things could become worse. it left him defenceless on so many levels because he couldn't do anything to help (as it was too late and he didn't have a golden core anymore) and he couldn't even hide behind the facade of resentment anymore — it's easy to hate a self-made monster, but not so easy to hate someone you loved and failed. when i say that sex scenes in 2ha aren't skippable because they contain essential character development, chapters 247-250 or around that are the ones on my mind. the realization left CWN in such an intense emotional disarray that he threw the remains of his dignity out of the window and for the first time showed that he wanted this too. and for him, in that verse, it's huge. and yet he collected himself and managed to come up with a plan to do something, even though he had nothing to counter with and the damage was irreversible.

— and secondly, having to deal with a massive calamity after losing many people he held dear and most importantly, Mo Ran. i can't think of anything worse than what he's gone through at that point. he watched the man he loved get destroyed by an angry mob, knowing that he wasn't guilty. he slaughtered his way through to at least give him some peace, while being very much aware that saving him was no longer an option. and after all that he knew he had to go on, he had to face the living corpse with the same face and the same memories, the twisted and distorted projection of his beloved.

but he managed to put that grief on hold and he almost single-handedly thwarted the big evil plan in action. he made sure that whoever wanted to be saved was saved, and only then did he ask to 'let him be selfish for once'. and that selfish want, to him, was to die with Taxian-jun (the wording still sends me, it's such an insane detail). so he locked that pain away, did what had to be done, and then allowed it to finally consume him.

[brokenmusicboxwolfe]

Shocking discovery of the day: I can actually read extremely well, with real feeling, while my brain is thinking about something else entirely!

Today I was sitting out by Ryoga’s, cold as heck actually, and had just started reading to Mom. The wind and traffic on the highway were making hearing her tough for me, so I was glad when she was ready for me to read. **

One sentence into reading…BANG!

I paused reading to tell Mom I’d been startled by gunfire, not from the more usual directions but across the highway. But as I was telling her it was followed my more shots. The nature of them made it clear it was neither violence nor hunting, merely target practice. I mentioned wondering about it, but went on reading.

Oh boy did I wonder! For over an hour there were bouts of gunfire, each time it would jolt my brain from what I was reading.

Now while I was perfectly safe from the gunfire physically, the direction it was coming from was the problem. It obviously wasn’t the Mini Mart and it didn’t sound quite right for in town (where shooting is theoretically illegal anyway). Because of the river there are only two houses, a small landing a family owns, and our boat.

Our boat. I do NOT want anyone using our boat as target practice! People have already vandalized it before and smashed one of the portholes. The idea of it getting riddled by gunfire after my parents and grandfather worked so damn hard to build it upsets the hell out of me.

I have lots of nightmares about the boat. Dreams of the boat breaking lose and me desperately trying to save it, often involving a ton of swimming. Dreams of the boat sinking. Dreams of the boat smashing into things. Dreams of the boat being tossed by a storm half way up the river bank. Dreams of waves overwhelming it.

Last night I woke at 4am to a nightmare of waves, trying to desperately swim to a line as three massive waves crashed over me one after another, only to surface at last as a precursor of a tidal wave sucked all the water away. i’d abandoned the boat to frantically get my family to run up hill before the water hit, knowing the boat was as good as lost and terrified for their lives.

I’d read on, try not to think about it, get back into the words, and BANG! BANG! BANG!

The river is below, we are on a very high bank with the other side of the river wide, perpetually wet, swamplands. Did the sound seem like it was level with me or down the hill, by the river? Would there be an echo if it were actually be the river, or would that effect be lost since I was so far away and on the high land?

The shots would stop and I would resurface to find myself reading right along. My brain would try to catch up with the story I’d been missing, while still going along reading.

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Where was the sound coming from? Had it moved? Was wind shifting it or were they on a boat or were they wandering around to somewhere else to shoot? Could they be at that landing shooting, and if they were were they shooting at our boat? If they were in a boat drifting down it was too cold for then to be at the monstrous local practice of snake shooting, besides sensible snakes would have fled by now…

With the pause I was startled to find myself reading a character’s words with incredible feeling and nuance, as good as most actors could. I had no idea what the hell was going on in the story. I was hearing myself reading.

I got back reading normally, accepting half a page was gone, when BANG! BANG! BANG!

I should go to the boat. I should go and look. I could stop anything from happening, chase off people maybe. I could just relieve my mind by finding out it was nowhere near the boat. I must go!

I hate checking the boat. It floods me with guilt, dread, grief, and anxiety. I never know what I will find, but I know it will be out of my control and that I won’t know what to do about it. I will be reminded of all those happier, hopeful days, of the people I loved, and how much I continue to fail them. It ain’t fun.

And then there would be a pause and I’d have not missed a beat reading.

And so it went, this tug of my brain in two directions. I’d be in full performance mode, and then more shots would turn my consciousness to worry and figuring out what I should do. And yet I kept reading!!!

You know I’ve heard of actors or singers saying they sometimes were thinking about their shopping list or what to have for supper while they were performing, and I was always baffled. How can you do things involving one set of words while thinking about another?

Apparently it does happen!

So, good to know. I can read to Mom while freaking out without disturbing her experience. Considering my reputation as “reading with real feeling”, I would hate to disappoint her….

(In case you are wondering, I think I did find the source of the shooting. I went to investigate and found that one of the folks that lives in the house next to our drive down to the river out in the empty area beside it. There were certain indications that he had been shooting, including the bag he had slung on. Certainly he acted very squirrelly when he saw me. I called over hello, and raised his hand in a half wave while nearly doing a pirouette to avoid eye contact and return to the house. Tellingly the shooting there was no more shooting.

I dunno about the boat though. I went part way down the hill, saw it was still there, and realized emotionally I wasn’t up to going all the way. Stopping the shooting and being seen going down the hill would do.)

** Current book: The Truth by Terry Pratchett

[razzmothazz]

okay, but what fob songs and lines for what characters, I want to know also, for autism reasons lmao.

IM SO GLAD YOU ASKED BUT ALSO I DONT WANNA GO TOO DEEP CAUSE I COULD TALK ABT IT FOR HOURS AAAA

i could take reqs for certains songs cause i have thoughts on nearly all of them, but im gonna ramble rn about how i feel so much (for) stardust [album, not the song specifically] is so vbs to me actually...

starting off strong with love from the other side

THIS IS SO AN TO ME !!! especially after her learning about how everyone hid the passing of someone SO important to her away for three god damn years.

this part is kinda self explanatory i feel? especially "what would you trade the pain for", refering to the pain of losing her role model of sorts of course. someone she looked up to so much and held in such high regard and she didnt even know theyve been gone.. she makes me SOB

this part refering to her feeling like the whole "city" [vivid street] pretty much lied to her and deceived her, everything feels wrong and off now. its not the same home it was before.

the feeling in this case would obviously be grief, anger and so many others tbh, she lets the feelings out and uses music as an outlet of sorts for it ?? not sure how to explain what i mean [im writing this at 3am sorry] the feelings are so overwhelming i dont think she could fight them if she wanted to, but why would you want to fight such justified feelings ?? i feel SO bad for her omg

this part works for all of vbs, but i feel like it especially applies to akito and an, obviously referencing surpassing rad weekend and how difficult it is considering their constant feeling of inferiority, with akitos being a pretty extreme case of it.

also just feels to me like something akito would actually say/sing

also haha funny hampster refering to kohane /j

i dont have words that can describe this line other than just imagine an singing it with the context of what i said before. that is all.

OFF TO HEARTBREAK FEELS SO GOOD

this is just very vbs to me, its easy to apply their stories and themes to these verses. they will surpass radweekend someday. they can do it, and they can do it together and go even further after, hopefully.

the pre-chorus reminded me of akitos situation with older musicians, how they mocked him etc. which at first obviously made him feel horrible, but he learned from that and now he alone is even better than some of them, and with all of vbs at his side hes even better.

dont have as much for this one, so moving on to

HOLD ME LIKE A GRUDGE

one word. AKITOYA.

cmon now. you see the vision.

this is SO akito talking to toya, how he motivates him to do better and better and helps him up any time he feels down.

they are soulmates, no matter how you look at it!! but theres also akito being a bit of a menace as well as often feeling like hes dragging toya down, yet despite that he wants to stay with him. akito doesnt want to do this without toya, and the feeling is obviously mutual [im actually so insane about them. they are SO important to me not even as a romantic couple just 2 guys meant to be together as partners UEUEUUEUEUEUEEE]

after all the hardships theyre still going strong, some dreams were crushed along the way but their main goal is always there.

the pressure bit makes me think about how each of them feels somewhat inferior to the others, [they need therapy istg] which makes them want to constantly keep pushing themselves to do better and better, and to keep going and going. they have what it takes, they just need to work to perfect it. they know they will do it but they still have a lot to figure out, obviously. they get a bit lost and stuck at times trying to get to their desired level but they will surpass rad weekend. someday.

OKAY IM GONNA STOP HERE BUT I COULD GO ON AND ON AAAAAAAAA I LOVE ASSOCIATING MUSIC I LOVE WITH CHARACTERS I LOVE!!!!!!

< 3333333333

[lowkeyclueless5137]

Awww that’s so cute. Ortho will define a way better holder for Nooroo compared to Gabriel ever was, not to mention Dusuu gets an awesome holder too(yes I called Idia awesome, fight me if you dare >:]). I bet these two like them a lot more compared to well their two previous holders aka Hawkmoth and Mayura. Ortho and Idia will most definitely treat these two kwamis better than those two villains ever could, Ps this will definitely be fun to explain during the book “travel to past Paris event” with young Marinette and Adrian, aka try to convince the two they are not secretly Hawkmoth spies

And to rub it in their face, Idia dealt with the grief of losing someone(like Gabe) and Ortho wanted to help his brother make any of his wishes possible (like Nathlie) Ya know... Just to have a parallel.

Ortho would be more of a positive influence. He'd sound more like encouraging you to do something good rather than forcing. Just how he always tries with Idia.

Meanwhile, Idia is a perfect fit for the peacock, mostly since it has minimal human interaction. Just make a lil senti-monster and control it like a lil video-game character. Simple as that. :D

Now for the book to the past event (damn this sounds like a very epic title tbh)

At first, once the miraculous assignment is done, it comes down to the possibility of using the other butterfly miraculous to snap out an akuma. Initially Ortho was choosen also for the fact that if it doesn't work, he could blast the enemy anyway.

Ofc, it doesn't work. It is shown that the akuma/amoks influence, the bunny miraculous, any dimension hopping/dream world accessing and also purifying/miraculous cure from our Bois doesn't work in this book world, only the ones from the miraculouses that are apart of the book universe. (hence it was also an event that won't affect at all the future, for it's simply fiction of a magic book)

So, ofc the akumas created by Ortho(which he refers to as fairies), are different than the akumas created by Gabe. None of them can control each other's akumas so pretty much they are like 2 similar forces that cannot interfere with each other. Their akumatised victims can fight each other tho. :3

It is a wild back and forth in between Lb and CN and Orpheus with Yuuki(damn, still I have no hero names for these 2), mostly after Ortho used a fairy on Yuuki to help them in a tight spot and poor Yuuki was immediately put down and De-akumatised, only to realise that Lb couldn't purify it, but Orpheus could.

It's good Ortho and Idia weren't in person there with the miraculouses activated. :'3

Even so, because of all that skepticism, Ortho optes to akumatise only people from their merry group. Mainly Orpheus since he sometimes really wants to have the liberty to create whatever he wants. (he wants to make a gun but that would be illegal) Kalim is the 2nd option bc Kalim is most times happy and he could keep in check his negative emotions pretty well.

This also helps Ortho (Def post book 6) explore on a more personal level how emotions work. Sometimes he has a few flat falls, not understanding why some people feel like they do, but he's getting there. :'3

Many would assume that Dussu would be a better fit for understanding emotions, which was Ortho's goal, but Dussu fits better with Idia, who tries to come into terms with his own emotions. He most times has a hard time with them, so Dussu is a better help for Idia.

Eventually, LB and CN do warm up to the idea of the 2 passive helpers. Mostly since it was pretty hard to tell which was an akuma and which was a fairy. They had a few instances where they accidentally tried to purify a fairy and it didn't work (I mean... It did work when CN used the cataclysm, but that also meant desintegrating the butterfly. :'3)

If only Idia was more active and able to climb stairs, he could've gotten the bee and then all the Shroud kids would have bug themed miraculouses

[caifanes]

aotv thoughtssssss (spoilers ahead)

on a louie level: losing my damn minddddd, i was gripping my own hands so tightly together and shaking while waiting for the movie to start and then as i was watching it, it was so surreal? i think i had an out of body experience while watching the behind the scenes stuff from 1d’s final performance, the grief was just way more than i could comprehend. the film definitely humanized him on a level i wasn’t expecting, (at times it was a little forced but it doesn’t mean that it was untrue) i was, in real-time, altering perceptions of him that were residuals of my time as a 1d fan. also im gonna come out and say that my favorite part was the scene in which freddie came to see louis at his show, it was so sweet that it fully stopped me in my tracks.

technical level: here’s where i was— an editing booth. maybe i was overwhelmed to start with but the visual effects at the beginning were too much. the information dump and each of his family’s voice’s maybe as an homage to the title was a good idea but it being their introduction was hard to follow even as a fan who knew their names and faces. the overall story works linearly but i might’ve broken it up differently, cleaned up transitions and cut excessive reiterations. on a production standpoint, charlie carried this thing on his back and i would’ve loved extra coverage in certain scenes, but also i don’t know what the raw footage looks like so who knows what the process of shot selection was like!

ANYWAYS, i feel like i need to watch this docu like 5 more times so i can fully absorb it bc i’m still processing everything 😵‍💫