#but change is scary and im intensely afraid of new things

[forgottenroisin]

How does Roisin prefer someone else confess their love to them, if they want to at all?

dlsfkjaljsdfjsdf unfortunately for you, dear reader, rosie is a character i know very well and have spent a lot of time thinking abt, and this question kinda hits at the heart of a lot of her struggles, so this will, i fear, be quite a lengthy reply! feel free to read however much (or however little!) you like <3 i'll leave some titles around to help you decide what's interesting ;D

META

so!! I'm not sure if this is a question asking 1) whether rosie prefers that ~her partner~ be the first to profess his feelings, rather than roisin speaking out first herself, or 2) if its a question asking what method she would like her partner to use ~in professing his feelings? but i think it's def asking, as addendum, 3) if she wants feelings professed, at all! anyway, i thought i'd go ahead and answer all three questions! and the answers will actually vary! lakjfkljsdf

tldr, tho, in short, the answers are these: 1) yes pls let him do it! 2) just be sincere, and 3) no...in general, but...sometimes yes! but only if she truly wants you around for the long haul!

you can read on for more info ;D

GRIEF VS ROSIE

so rosie is an mbti [ enfp ] and an [ enneagram ] [ type ] [ seven ]! why am i mentioning this? bc, basically, she has conflicting, but related, hopes/dreams and fears/coping mechanisms which is why ur gonna get some uhhhh variety here!

rosie, as we all know, is a big romantic! she was raised on tales of chivalrous knights and brave ladies, and dreams of a fairy tale love herself. she is also, however, aware that real life isn't like that. her active mother slowly wasted away in front of her as a kid; her stepmother is vile and has forced them all into servitude; her father died in failure; her country was smashed by a brutal conqueror. as a result, she considers her wishes somewhat silly and even childish and is a bit down on herself abt wanting these things. but it doesn't stop her from wanting them, notwithstanding.

also ~interacting with the above~ rosie is an enfp, meaning she craves variety: new ppl, new challenges, new projects, and change, but also that she's warm, idealistic, fun, and compassionate (amongst other things! im talking specifically abt relationships w other ppl here)! she loves with her whole heart, but she also hates to be tied down, but also values loyalty and fortitude. she can be extremely casual, but she craves intensity. so! you can def see a conflict here! she wants deep, abiding relationships but also hates feeling trapped/like she can't open herself to every possibility/explore all the world and others have to offer. in the right relationship, this would all be readily achievable, but commitment is intrinsically scary to her and it requires a leap of faith!

which is where her enneagram comes in. in a nutshell, "Sevens fear getting stuck in a rut and missing out on the good life. They cope with this fear by constantly seeking out exciting, novel, and fun experiences." and "The central problem for Sevens is that their pursuit of pleasure is compulsive. Sevens are fear types who are specifically afraid of the power of negative states of mind. These they avoid by seeking distractions in the external environment: by multi-tasking, by keeping their options open, by engaging in stimulation seeking of all kinds."

CHILDHOOD WOUND

every enneagram type comes out of a [ childhood wound ]. for 7s, that's a disconnection from the nurturing figure of childhood (for rosie, the wasting illness and ultimate death of her mother) which tells them "its [dangerous] to depend on anyone for anything. if i stay distracted i won't feel my grief." they feel scared and lonely and empty, in continual pain, lacking something profound and meaningful inside. rosie, specifically, is characterized by a profound fear of loss, and there's only one way to truly avoid loss: avoidance of attachments. something which is, itself, painful for someone who craves deep, abiding connection. in other words, the only way to heal is to risk more of the same pain that broke her in the first place.

bc of this, in general rosie ~is a runner. she enjoys excitement and fun, but after awhile there's a line you cross, right? and after that things get more and more srs, attachments get deeper -- you start relying on that other person. and that's where rosie gets antsy, bc that's the point at which the risk starts to mount. she can lose anyone at any time! what if she loses this person, too? its no accident that the vast majority of her deepest relationships arose through proximity and from early childhood: she didn't really have a chance to run away.

in august, i actually wrote this note to myself: "Got emo thinking abt lfr while working on my space anyway hc incoming: sorcha was reading rosie a compendium of fairy stories when she got too weak to continue — rosie still has that tome and treasures it, has the passages memorized, bc reading them to herself is the only way she can hear her mothers voice again

"Rosie’s grief for her parents differ: her mother suffered a protracted illness and so by the time she died it was almost a release from suffering, and Rosie was too young to fully grasp it, but afterwards spent the rest of her life fearing the loss of loved ones more than anything. Her father was sudden and terrible and the bringing abt of all her worst fears. This grief is a chasm, bc it’s both griefs, in essence, and it’s a big part of why she can never stop running from it"

so yeah ironically she's rarely gonna do the thing she wants everyone else to do which is stick around! she's the ill leave before i can get left type

PIERS AUCLAIR

i do think there have been two occasions on which rosie was prepared to cross that boundary ~in a romantic~ capacity, specifically. before the war, rosie would've been twenty and thus a decade+ away from the inciting incident of her grief/fear. she was living at court and feeling v brave and older and sophisticated and she was sort of seeing a young man who was a young lord in a foreign country, there as part of a party in astaira to treat w the queen

honestly, i def think rosie had a lot of romantic ideas abt this young man that frankly weren't even true. but he was dashing and handsome and exciting, and he knew how to make her laugh, and she felt happy and adventuresome when she was with him and she thought! this is it! this is what ive been searching for! its time to be brave!

and here's the moment we come to the actual question!

QUESTION THE FIRST! does rosie prefer that she or her partner be the first to profess their feelings?

being a big romantic, rosie has some v decided ideas abt who does what! and the ~man is supposed to make the move! that's what happens in the fairy tales! besides, she's sure its also more ~thrilling to be confessed ~to than to ~do the confessing, which is the scary part! and rosie don't do scary! so this is all v convenient ;D

MORE PIERS!

now to the matter of this previous young man! i am, here and now, dubbing him sir piers auclair, knight of the griffin, future lord of the blackwater, from the country of lienor (nonsense information to the rescue! ;D). piers was ngl a bit of a player, but rosie was young and naive and fell for it hook, line, and sinker, and believed whole heartedly that he was in love w her and that, she, herself, was completely in love w him (she ~was in love, but only w the romanticized image she had of him in her head)!

i don't think piers was really a particularly bad person or anything tbf, and he did enjoy rosie, liked her etc, i think, but she wasn't anything v special to him, he was just passing his time w a pretty face and intent upon returning to his soon-to-be political fiancee in lienor whenever the ambassador had successfully charmed this astairan queen. i do think piers knew rosie's attachment was much deeper than his own, but i think it felt good to be adored and he just -- let it go, thinking it would come to nothing and she'd get over it eventually etc

but rosie didn't, couldn't see it -- she thought he was all that and a bag of chips! and she thought that roisin auclair had a particular ring to it and that he did, too, but they were sundered by his duty to his parents who wanted him to marry someone else! but maybe! maybe if she let go all uncertainty, they could fight for the future they wanted, together! her father was just as rich as the other young ladies! a nd true love will always find a way, that's what all the stories said! and, even tho the idea of leaving her family behind and going to lienor was terrifying, she thought it might be worth it for the love of her life!

i think she waited for awhile, hoping he'd finally say what she was hoping to hear, but i think she finally took matters into her own hands and told him that she was in love w him, herself! which honestly took sm courage for her to do ngl! and i think he just stared at her in shock!! and then said smth noncommittal that kinda sorta felt like maybe a reciprocation when you don't poke at it too much!! and rosie was happy not to poke!! but deep down she started to wonder and just tried to force it! IM HAPPY! IM HAPPY! IM HAPPY!

soon thereafter tho the war. piers ran away wo a word just ~hearing abt roderick, abandoning her to whatever end and never reaching out again even by letter, and rosie was confronted w what he really was: even greater a coward than she, esp when she was sent back to malconaire and faced w the unswerving, and ultimately fatal, courage of her father and her home, all things which further reinforced her fears of loss!!!!!!!!! btw!!!!!!!!!

EDMUND

as you probs guessed, edmund is the second time, she's thought she might want someone to tell her that they love her! but she's conflicted abt it, too. let me explain...

i think, now, years after the loss of her father, rosie's starting to feel like she'd maybe like to cross that boundary w edmund...but all the courage she'd built up after the death of her mother has dried up, and she's much more realistic now. she knows what edmund wants; she also knows what edmund needs. and none of those add up to the youngest daughter of a dead and defunct lord: a dowerless girl from a conquered country. and she's equally afraid that if she pushes it, she'll lose him. bc, worse, she knows that -- one way or another -- she ultimately will

atm, she's just tryna enjoy whatever time ~they do have and not look too closely at what hurts!! which, fortunately, is her specialty!!

so her plan is to say nothing and wonder whether she should hope that he tells her he loves her...or not??? is it ~really better if he loves her too?? when it can never be in the end?? and then she gets sad and pointedly distracts herself!!! lakjsdfkljsdfj

QUESTION THE SECOND! what method she would like her partner to use ~in professing his feelings?

ok so you knowwwww that lil!rosie always dreamed of that big dramatic reveal!!! a beautiful, romantic place and moment!!! a big speech!!! a world-stopping kiss!!!!! she def put a lot of planning into this w piers too (which probs did ~not help ~him btw!! sm pressure on it!!)

atp, tho, while she def wouldn't ~mind the above, she's like 'that was just a silly dream!' now, and would def be down w smth much more quiet, lowkey, and down to earth, as long as its sincere -- that's the most romantic thing on earth, she's come to realize! that's what really counts (not all the flashy stuff w/o any substance, which is all that piers really was tbh)! whether its just blurted out thoughtlessly, or said v quietly in a v true moment, planned or not, that sounds absolutely beautiful to her <3333

rosie doesn't wanna put pressure on it, anymore, she doesn't wanna push anyone into saying anything they don't feel, she just wants a true meeting of the hearts even if that's someone saying 'i like you a lot but i just don't feel the same way' yknow? so they can just be open and honest and trust in whatever the truth may be between them

QUESTION THE THIRD! does she wants feelings professed, at all?

so, in summation...in general, no! no she does not want to be that vulnerable w you! she's just here to enjoy a lil harmless fun for you both! but if you get important enough to her, then yes! but now mostly just bc she wants to know where things stand and that she's not alone in this! but she'll also question whether she wants that too! which she questions even more re: edmund, given their necessarily divided futures, BUT she would probs wonder regardless bc -- even denying it to herself -- knowing piers didn't feel the same was painful too so!! there's really no winning w feelings!! lkajflkskjdf

OTHER RELATIONSHIPS

ok so!!!!!! i wanna keep this short and sweet but lil!rosie had REALLLLLLLY high hopes for valentina!!!!! she was like 'she'll never be our real mom but shes our new mom and its gonna be beautiful!!!!' she assumed her dad was in love w her (and vice versa) bc they were getting married and yeah!!! obv we all know how this went down!!!! and lbr it was a huuuuge hit on a lot of her romantic dreams and the first real brush w the concept of marrying for duty not love, since her own parents had somehow done both <3 and so she lowkey assumed that's how it always went! until it didn't

now the cassimir/eithne bit! this will be brief but!!!!! this has really been ANOTHER hit to her romantic ideals!!!!!! despite everything she was like 'even if we're poor as churchmice i know we'll either marry not at all or where our hearts reside!' and that was smth true for all her sisters in her mind but now!!!!!!!!! now even ~that peace of mind is broken and yes!! this does impact the above and, actually, not just this part the third, as i was initially thinking, but the others too but my main thought was!!!!!!!! she does NOT want her vers of cassimir coming up and being all 'ill marry you honey' like no! no thank you! pls go away! bc eithne's shown her that maybe the right thing to do is to giveup all ur silly romantic dreams and give in to a life that will always be a lil terrible if it'll benefit others and now she's asking herself 'am i selfish to reject cormac? should i accept him and save eithne???' so him ~not asking and just stating ~that it will be~ has been a boon following ~that lil piece of news!!!!!!!

also!! just learned today abt ladies' privilege (thank you, lizzy!), an old irish tradition where a woman may propose to a man on leap day, and if this is a thing in astaira, rosie's probs wondering, like, should ~she propose to ~cormac? she knows he'd take her!!!! he's made that quite clear!!! and maybe it could save eithne bc, he might be ridiculous, but in rosie's book cormac is better than ~cassimir!!!!!! and yeah!!!!! tis a mess!!!!! (tbh she's probs wrong to think this'd have an impact on eithne/cassimir but rosie always likes to believe there's ~smth she can do!)

[lesbenson]

Also don't hate me i think the edits were smart. I don't think they need to talk about what will change, that's not what she's emotional about. She's still hurt by him leaving and is afraid to be left again. I think that's what's emphasized by what was taken out. And having her not hug him is emblematic of that. She can't get close out of fear. She's not ready. She can't let him take care of her. She can't allow herself the hope. It's too scary.

okay so the actual story aspect that we got honestly doesnt bother me i just think the edits are really poorly done HFSHDFHF theres literally like. a continuity error or bad adr on every shot at the fridge 😭 it just really disrupts the intensity of the scene and if they had just. originally written a rejection (which overall i actually think they did ? i dont think they were like. gonna get together in this ep) and filmed a full version where they dont kiss it wouldve looked better ultimately 😵‍💫 it just seemed like they were running out of time + the scene right before i think they chopped up liv and carisi's conversation?

BUT yeah it makes sense that liv isnt ready and im currently taking that article that accidentally described a different ending as canon. (it was nbc insider and now its been edited but it originally described her breaking down in tears in his arms when she keeps saying she cant do it) like liv is honestly really not There yet but the end of this trilogy showing her at her loneliest point is.. not good. A better put together version of that conversation and whatever elliot said before "what if things work out" wouldve been even better. and i do love the scene overall i just think she wants to be held by him after all of this, and all the nuzzling (insane) felt like it was supposed to build up to her crying in his arms like she cant do ALL of this yet but she does want to. she wants to. shes being literally pulled to him the whole scene.

as far as editing out the kiss i understand plotwise bc. and maybe ive read too many fics. but theres no way liv would stop kissing him after theyve started. like kissing him and immediately saying "actually i cant do this" is not her tea. i really think she would have to be way more Ready for a kiss to happen. like there are two things she has not done and its say "i love (you) elliot stabler" and try to initiate actual romance? or like imply it. you know what i mean. she keeps grabbing his hands and telling him she wants to but also. how about we call it a friendship? what do you say partner? thought this was an oc case (its always good to work with you liv) NEW SUBJECT! (all that time together its like we were married) but you weren't. he was someone else's husband. BASICALLY I THINK THE KISS IS A VERY FINAL LINE FOR LIV THAT SHE IS NOT READY TO CROSS BECAUSE SHE CANT QUITE PUT THE LONGEVITY OF HER FEELINGS FOR ELLIOT INTO WORDS. HAHAHAAA IM FINE

theres a Lot in the clip where she leans in and elliots moves to look at her. bc he Wants to but he can tell shes all over the place rn. im sick

like wow what a beautiful tender crushing scene. hey what’s that

[strawberryswitchblader]

 Are you named after anyone - nope

When was the last time you cried - probably yesterday, i cry like every other day

Do you have kids - no and i cant picture myself ever having them honestly but it might change with age 

Do you use sarcasm - now and again, but im not sure whether people pick up on it or not because i hate intonating

What's the first thing you notice about people - voice and intensity of facial expressions

What's your eye color - brown<3

Scary movies or happy endings - scary movies all the way

Any special skills - probably languages, i was raised bilingual and heard at least 4 languages regularly + as long as i can remember ive been learning a multiple new languages, sometimes in school and sometimes independently

Where were you born - europe

What are your hobbies - listening to music, walking/biking/traveling with public transport, drawing, reading/writing, listening to others talking while doing as little talking as possible myself (love perceiving, hate being perceived) 

Do you have any pets - noo my lungs will bitch over ANYTHING i cant even have plushies and i need these special anti allergy sheets so pets are a no go

What sports do/have you played - um well im not a sports person (see above lol) but i used to play volleyball and i currently enjoy swimming

How tall are you - 5 feet 😕 i used to think i was doomed to be short forever because im practically as tall as my mother already but then i remembered she had a twin and grew up in wartime (not that she had like a hungry to bed type of diet but probably not the most nutritious) so now im hoping praying for some significant growth before im out of my teens

Favorite subject in school - i like physics but its very stressful (taught by my mom + my classmates happen to either be extremely clever and good with the type of thinking required for exact science, or extremely motivated because she failed a year, so its an intimidating class on multiple fronts). a less stressful but still fun and interesting class would be latin, or fine art but thats not even really a class since im not taking finals in it, i just audit i suppose

Dream job - i would like to be a journalist but im afraid i wont be good enough at the talking to people part (although idk i like listening to people’s stories) and every time a science class goes moderately well i keep thinking i should study chemistry or physics or something, idk i just want to do something thats useful and also something that im good at like at least a tiny bit

tagging @jitteryhands @grieving4theliving @arthurianmotifs​ @declanscunt and whoever else wants to

Thank you for the tag @ohmeowmy ^_^

1. Are you named after anyone?

I don't think so. Never heard my parents say they had any reasoning for my name. My online name is not after anyone either.

2. When was the last time you cried?

A few days ago (not that common of an occurrence though, last time before that was a few months ago I think)

3. Do you have kids?

No

4. Do you use sarcasm?

Very rarely

5. What's the first thing you notice about people?

Very first thing is probably their clothes. Also I notice sort of how they are holding themselves and their general demeanor.

6. What's your eye color?

glasses wearer

7. Scary movies or happy endings?

I like happy endings but also sad endings.

8. Any special skills?

pretty good pattern recognition (from autism lol). tbh this is even more of a factor in me being good at academics than having a good memory is.

9. Where were you born?

on Earth

10. What are your hobbies?

Mostly just math, I read textbooks or do problems in my free time. I also like reading other things, but I'm sort of slow at it because I pause and think and try to remember everything I read. I like birds and birdwatching. I play piano. also tumblr if it counts as a hobby

11. Do you have any pets?

Yes. (sorry not saying their names or whatever for infosec reasons)

12. What sports do/have you played?

Currently none. For many years I did dancing (and it was the only sport I was actually good at at like a competition level) and tennis (was shit at). Also did swimming but quit because I hate wearing a swimsuit and being wet.

13. How tall are you?

not sure

14. Favorite subject in school?

My favorite subject like in general is math of course. It was really boring/easy at school though, and obv this is just my perspective and what different people find easy or challenging differs. but for myself I found it really understimulating. I'd say my favorite subjects in high school were chem and geography (because that's where I felt I learned any significant amount and also sorta geography-adjacent stuff is some of my special interests so yeah).

15. Dream job?

research mathematician

no pressure tags: @gogocactus @klavierpanda @horse-music @jbis @felipe-kuso @igotmyionyou32 @biblicallyaccurateryo @girlmicrowave @thesimstwo @our-summer-is-winter and anyone else who wants

[doctapuella]

assorted gene gifs that make me smile

[catintheruemorgue]

annoying things they do

summary: small things these guys do that just grinds your gears a bit.

characters: oda, dazai, kunikida, twain, akutagawa, atsushi, mori, poe, ranpo, fittzgerald, steinbeck, chuuya, yosano, gin, kouyou, higuchi, alcott and lucy

these are all based off things i do or have inconvenienced my life lmfao i’ll probs do a part two with everyone i missed this just got wayyy to long lol next im posting being friends with double black 

Oda:

If you're wearing shorts and have bruises he will poke them when you're resting your legs on him. He’s silent about it too and if you yell at him he pretends to act like he doesn't know what you're talking about.

Will smack your sunburn but this one is actually an accident. He just wanted to pat you on the back because you're amazing.

Will space out when you talk too long, sometimes certain objects are just so… mesmerizing

Dazai:

Loves to jumpscare you the only exception is if it was a trigger. In that case he will just call your name and whip something at you for you to catch at random.

When you're driving he likes to reach over and honk your horn. It's almost caused so many roadside fistfights.

If he sees a dog in public he will bark and growl at it.

Kunikida:

Won’t let you on the bed without socks on. You could be sick as a dog and he’ll still enforce this rule.

Cleaning is hard because he has a hard time throwing things away. You'll spend extra time as he holds two identical pens, trying to decide which one he wants to keep. He’s learned to plan certain days in his schedule for cleaning now.

Won't let you turn up the music in the car and will keep it at a level that's so low it's annoying.

Twain:

Walks around the house shirtless but then complains about how cold it is.

Blasts his music so loud when he wakes up in the morning and it's always early 2000’s hits. It's not rare for you to have Pocketful of Sunshine by Natasha Bedingfield stuck in your head by 9 am.

Always has to climb something, this stems from his adventurous side. It's not really that annoying but when you’re in a crowded area and he runs off to go climb the tall statue, screaming at you to take a photo… Yes it is. Especially when children try and follow him and you're stuck receiving glares from the parents.

Akutagawa:

Will not let you throw any food products out. He tells you it's a perfectly good meal (even if it's not) and that he will eat it tomorrow. It’s sad because you know this stems from childhood but it’s still annoying.

Reuses the same gross, musty ziplock baggies. You keep buying new ones but he doesn't get it lol.  

Will tell you if your breath smells, hair is messy, outfit is ugly. He does not see an issue with this and it's nice knowing someone has your back but he doesn't have to be so rude about it..

Atsushi:

If he drinks he's one of those drinkers who will not let you take it from him. Keeps an iron grip on the cup. He finishes it no matter how drunk and always throws up. Thankfully he rarely drinks.

He stops to help everyone, literally even if they just look like they need help. You've been late to so many things.

Will eat anything. Once you made steak and somehow forgot about it. It was hard as a brick yet he still almost broke his teeth eating it. You think you saw some tears as he told you it was delicious.

Mori:

Listens to people's conversations in public and isn't afraid to comment, loudly, about it. You know it's loud because they either stop talking or try and confront you guys.

Comes up to stops fast and brakes so hard you feel like he does it on purpose.

Sometimes if he and Elise get into a “disagreement” he’ll try and rope you in to take his side and you always do, knowing it would probably give him more satisfaction if you chose to side with her.

Poe:

Asks for constructive criticism but will then argue with you about why you're wrong.

Always humming a song he heard Twain singing and then it gets stuck in your head too.

Will deny stupid things like why your favorite mug is in the trash or why he just let out rather loud scream in the bathroom. You know he's lying because he looks away and makes sure his bangs are covering his eyes.

Ranpo:

Will call you out on any lie even if you don't mean to lie you just forgot about some of the details.

Don't take him grocery shopping if you have a set amount you want to spend. He won't even sneak, he will just say he wants something and throw it in the cart.

Such a backseat driver even though he can't drive.

Fitzgerald:

Likes to act like he's still in his twenties and will somehow get the two of you invited to college parties where he will attempt to do a kegger in front of everyone. You end up being the one to hold him up and he always ends with a, “LETS FUCKING GO!”

Likes to ask for the senior discount even though he's not that old, he just likes to hear the women validate that he's not old.

It’s scary how he used to buy without looking and now will scream if the price on a price tag is too high.

Steinbeck:

Always looking at the grass for wheat to chew on. It's so cheesy when you walk into the city and he's got it sticking out of his mouth.

He gets weirdly intimate with nature and you feel like you're third wheeling.

Has the mentality that he has to provide for you because he is the man. He gets so shocked when he finds out you still want to work.

Chuuya:

Has a hard time making decisions you could ask him what he wants for dinner and his mind will just break.

Gets way too pissed at movies and will actually get up and walk away. Once you were kicked out of the theater because he wouldn't stop yelling at the screen. Another time he walked out you waited a whole ten minutes before you realized he wasn't coming back.

Sometimes activates his ability at night and it's so scary waking up to him floating halfway across the room.

WOMAN TIME!!!!!!!!!!

Yosano:

Will glare at you so intensely if you say something she disagrees with.

Always tries to rope you into drinking with her even if you’ve said no the past ten nights.

Will describe wounds or injuries in such detail and just won’t stop, almost like she’s trying to fuck with you, but she’s not.

Gin:

Claims to be nothing like her big brother but then will go on to make the same facial expressions and do some of the same mannerisms as him.

Will spend hours trying things on just to put it all back, leave the store and change her mind when you’re almost home. Then she’ll have you run back with her to buy it all.

Is used to sneaking around so scares you a lot. Also on the topic of being silent sometimes she just won’t respond, thinking you can just read her vibes / mind.

Kouyou:

Will judge what you eat, especially fast food but will try and steal a fry in private when you're not looking.

Will say things like, “Well that's just the way the world works.” If someone tries to share their baggage with her. You understand she’s had a pretty rough life but it's caused you to almost spit out your drink multiple times.

At functions forgets about you for about an hour while she mingles with everyone else, you could tap on her shoulder and she'll dismiss you like you're a subordinate. Until you clear your throat again you'll see the slight blush as she apologizes.

Higuchi:

She has no sense of privacy. If she hears a crash or loud noise she will bust down the door. It’s sweet but not when the noises are usually from you knocking all the shampoo bottles down again.

Horrible road rage actually puts you on edge to be in the car with her. She doesn't even have to be driving.

Likes to act like she's a professional at everything and people usually believe it because of her suit. It's so nerve wracking when she giggles when they walk away with false information.

Alcott:

Will agree to everything you suggest but you can only tell when she doesn’t want to do it when you’re currently doing it.

Yet she’s not afraid to grumble about how annoying it is when someone bumps into you and doesn’t apologize. It’s sweet but you’re left dealing with the situation if the person is aggressive enough to say something.

Always corrects your spelling or if you say something like “I could care less.”

Lucy:

Will fish for compliments in a very obvious way like, “Wow. Wish someone would call me pretty..” and then just stare right at you.

Kicks you so violently in her sleep but won't let go of you so you cant get away.

Constantly stealing from restaurants. You're banned from a couple restaurants because she got caught trying to steal a cup or salt shaker.

[ceram1cfish]

a really terrible incredibly burdensome situation has finally been resolved. i feel lightness. relief. but also intense sadness about myself having gone through intensely horrible emotions almost every day for over a year because of it. i feel disgusting about what did, and afraid for what could have happened. it has been genuinely traumatic and the most re-traumatizing thing ive had to go through. ive been acutely suicidal, constant intrusive thoughts, helpless, desperate fear, doubt, disgust, betrayal, general ptsd symptoms. i havent had this level of consistent distress in a while. i think i endure too much, generally as a personality trait. i think i shouldn't have. this was the only way to handle the situation without losing something important and i guess i could be glad i was strong enough to endure it but i dont really think i was. it was terrible beyond words and i suffered intensely most days. a terrible way to live. ive done it before and didnt really recognize i was doing it again, here. it even had the same outcome and shape, psychotic episode induced by too much terror forcing a choice i did not want. giving into dubious mercy. recognizing the body as something soft in the light in my shower, yesterday morning, capitulation, clouds parting. dubious because of the risk but no longer avoidable. in moments in which i did recognize it, i was acutely aware there was no other option than to stick it out. im scared i had to be in that pain for so long without the possibility of helping myself. im angry. old and new anger. i did things to protect myself during it. they changed the shape of the pain but it was not enough. i went through way too much and i feel very sad. i feel angry because i know it had to happen this way. i had to go through this to reach the end that i have, the one without loss. my suffering was necessary, sacrificial. there is something terrifying about making that choice, repeatedly too. something bright and intensely scary. this should not have happened. the birds are singing and its spring and bright. it has been warm. relief. my head hurts and my eyes burn from lack of sleep, there has been an incredible noise in my ears for days and i am so hungry. it always ends exactly this way. i always return to myself on bright mornings wrapped in blankets feeling light from outside finally inside me. some kind of safety finally but my whole body teeming with ant-like light, electricity. this shouldn't have happened, i feel like a little girl wrapped in a beach towel starting at the ocean

[squeeneyart]

Breathe in the Salt - Chapter 18

AO3

Beta reader is @thesnadger!

Communication is established.

Martin has a job to do.

After months of near constant solitude and a week of above-average social interaction, Martin had to deal with an unhappy middle: Peter, with no warning or pattern, would appear at the lighthouse at whatever time seemed to suit his fancy. Bright and early one day, late lunch the next, twice already on Thursday, all for reasons Martin couldn’t wonder aloud at for fear of seeming too curious.

No alone time meant no poking his nose around. Not that he was supposed to, keeping his head down and all that, but sitting around wasn’t doing his nerves any favors.

It was easy to imagine Peter hiring someone to tail him home, so Martin never dared to take a new path or turn for that whole week. When he got home he stayed home. When he got to work he stayed at work. And when he walked in either direction he most certainly never took the sharp turn toward the Fairchild home, no matter how intensely curious he got.

So, once the group text was actually formed early in the next week (Tim: it was a promise not a threat!), Martin had taken part in the first of many nearly identical conversations. They boiled down to:

Martin: peters been weird, cant predict when he’ll be around

Sasha: we’re still pretty locked up, will let you know if things change

Jon: Elias has been elusive but I’m working on it.

Tim: can’t keep us busy forever

Besides some scattered thoughts and jokes primarily from Tim that got Martin through the more tedious aspects of the work day, the messages were all vague statements telling him “soon, we promise” and random tidbits from him of Peter being weird. The whirlwind of progress from the week prior was over. Waiting and sitting on his hands was all Martin had left.

Well, that wasn’t entirely true.

Jon had a lot more to say over phone calls than text. That much was clear by Tuesday night as Jon called to elaborate on his frustrations with Elias and continue other topics they’d discussed the conversion prior. The burden of starting the call and coming up with a topic was blessedly off Martin's shoulders, and it made the idea of regular conversations seem more possible.

While it was a relief to still talk to someone at length, Martin knew he would run out of things to say before long. He had no stories from the university he never attended, and Jon had been witness to Martin’s strangest place of work. The more he could deflect personal questions and get Jon to talk about himself, the longer it would take for Martin to be revealed as... well. Dull.

Still, he hoped that Jon would call again soon. If Martin was around for it.

It was Thursday. Peter had been around twice already with no warning. It was getting to be mid-afternoon and he still had a duty to perform. That part of his contract hadn’t changed.

Martin groaned into his desk. It wasn’t fair to have his most mindless and daydream-conducive task twisted into something horrifying. Some little part of him hoped that Sasha’s reasoning from the week before would hold some water, that his knowledge of what was coming would somehow keep him aware of his surroundings.

There was one way to find out, as much as it made his stomach squirm, and the thought of doing so with Peter around was enough to propel Martin out of his chair and toward the cleaning closet.

He began to mop the main floor with a fervor. If Sasha was right and he managed to avoid getting sucked into a wall, Peter absolutely could not witness it. He would have to move fast, even if it scared the shit out of him. And really, was it so scary? It wasn’t something he remembered, and it never hurt him. Probably. He would at least feel pain if something had happened, right?

He had always been fine. A bit sore from lugging things up the stairs, but otherwise nothing had harmed him as far as he knew. What was he afraid of? A person that could watch him as he went about his work in a haze? Or the wall refusing to release him after he entered, trapping him without ever releasing his mind from-

Oh, no, his heart was racing, his hands shaking more by the second. Swallowing had become more difficult, dry throat and a tongue that felt three times too big. Martin walked toward the stairs, trying to keep water level in the mop bucket. The water level was the only evidence that he’d lost time, and he wasn’t going to do this without something to show for it.

Letting out a breath that sent shivers down his arms, Martin placed the mop down and took out his phone.

Martin: so im going upstairs now? to do the mop thing?

Martin: gonna try and use an old analog tape recorder like you all said. any final thoughts would be appreciated

He waited, growing more concerned by the second that he would get no answer, but finally someone responded.

Jon: Sounds like you’re all set. Be sure to send a message here once you’ve gotten back out again, or if you don’t go in at all.

Tim: yeah any situation where your feet are on solid ground really

Jon: You said before that Peter was around. Is it safe to assume he’s left?

Martin: ok will do. he’s not here now so im getting it over with so he wont see anything weird

Jon: Okay, good luck and let us know when you’re out.

Martin: thanks

Sasha: if things start to seem off, retreat back downstairs and call us immediately

Tim: ^^^

Martin: okay, talk to you all soon

Before Martin pocketed his phone, he saw Tim leaving a string of thumbs-up and broom emojis, and as he began up the stairs the occasional vibration in his pocket revealed that something was happening past his goodbye. It wouldn’t be good for the recording if he kept it on like that, but he had no intention of silencing the phone or the people on the other end. He clicked on the tape recorder, placed it in his pocket, and began his climb.

The bucket and mop were as unwieldy as ever, and for not the first time he thought about how nice an elevator would be for his knees before shaking his head. This was a time for focus. Drifting thoughts were a one-way ticket to lost time in a much more literal sense than usual.

He was walking up a rather repetitive staircase, but every once in a while there would be an imperfection that reminded him of where he was in space. A crack here, some chipped paint there. Looking around there were plenty of place markers. His feet were on stairs that were the same as they always were.

About a quarter of the way up, this method began to make his stomach flip. Once, he looked too far ahead, too much up. So he kept his eyes down. He’d been keeping to the inside of the stairs, but his gaze drifted too far and oh, no, another spiral leading down which was worse.

This building, he thought, didn’t appreciate him looking too hard. Fine. He could stay present without a visual anchor. There was still buzzing coming from his pocket, thought less often than before. At least they were still around. If anything happened, they would know quickly and be able to do something. Sure, he hadn’t seen them solve any problems yet, but there was enough confidence between the three of them that they had to have some level of competence.

Martin looked down at the bucket in his hand and held back a scream.

Instead, he hissed at the thing, “When?! We aren’t even halfway up! I let myself think for two seconds and- oh, dammit!” He dug into his pocket for the tape recorder, but it was nowhere to be found.

Martin turned toward the wall, any fear being quickly replaced by petty indignation. “Hey! I paid for that! You can’t just- as if you even need to pick my pockets when you’re a big, stupid voice recorder all on your own!”

Besides the echo of his own voice bouncing up and away from him (mocking him, probably) nothing bothered to respond. He had half a mind to toss the bucket and mop down the stairs for the sake of his aching arms, but he resumed his walk with a quickened pace. If Peter hadn’t come back yet, and it didn’t sound like he had, Martin would do something while he had the time.

At the top of the stairs, Martin opened up the group chat just long enough to type one message.

Martin: lighthouse stole my tape recorder

Then he stuffed the mobile away and made a beeline for the horrible machine he’d been faced with every day that week. His phone buzzed with incoming messages, the motion in his pocket slowly becoming more of a reassurance.

First, he took the time to look at it as a whole. The back couldn’t be reached with it pressed up against the inner wall. Did it make sense for it to be put there? Unsurprisingly, when he’d finally looked up how lighthouses were supposed to work, the panel itself was nowhere to be found as part of the process. What a surprise!

When he’d started the new order of button pushing that past Friday, he’d tried to listen for the mechanisms behind it, but he didn’t know enough about normal mechanics let alone whatever this was to make any judgments. He’d cursed himself then for not paying attention and asking more questions at the start, but there was no helping it.

Really, the fact that he’d been hired at all should’ve been a dead giveaway.

The dial that had once allowed Evan to speak was entirely cut out from the process, a disconnected thing that gave no feedback after being twisted. Did that mean the entire cause was lost? Or had its function been moved to another piece, or a series of pieces-

“Ah, Martin, thought I might find you up here.”

Martin was going to die.

It was a thought that came unbidden, the only clear thing in his head as he turned to find Peter Lukas climbing the last stair without a sound coming from his less than newly polished leather shoes. The soles should’ve made a clicking sound.

Peter looked at him and smiled. “Scared you, didn’t I? Always been told I have quiet feet.”

“Yeah, you did. Wasn’t very nice.” He couldn’t keep the slight shake out of his voice. His hand reached out and grasped the mop’s hand.

“Not for you maybe, but the look on your face is very funny.” The smile grew just a little more cheerful.

“Sure. Well, I’m-”

“Cleaning, right,” Peter said, pressing a hand to his forehead as if remembering something. “Glad to see the last smudges from them wiped away, if I’m honest. More people, more mess for you to clean up later.”

“I suppose, yeah. Need to clean anyway, though.” To emphasize his point, Martin began to clean the floor around and away from the panel. “Did you…”

“Oh, no, nothing really. Just wanted to check in a bit more after all the... disruption from before. And to make you jump a little. Need to make my own fun, sometimes. The week has been dreadful, Martin.”

And you’re spreading the feeling around. “Hm,” Martin replied, as dismissive and uninterested as he could muster.

Martin could hear the smile in Peter’s voice and knew he’d failed to dampen the man’s strange energy. “Yes, well, I’ll be off. When-” And then Peter was interrupted by a prolonged buzzing in Martin’s pocket. “Need to answer that?”

Shrugging, Martin continued to mop and kept his eyes to the ground. “Weird spam call, probably. Mum wouldn’t call my mobile.”

“Mm, good answer. Company time and all that.” With an odd stretching motion, Peter glanced out the window. “Oh, and what were you doing when I came up?”

“Stretches,” Martin replied abruptly. He coughed and evened out his voice. “The walk up is terrible.”

“And that’s why I have you do it for me!” Peter’s laugh came out rough and strangely quiet, a noise that settled under Martin’s skin. The old man’s face twisted into an unreadable smile, something that underneath the mirth felt like a taunt. “But enough of that. Don’t know if I’ll be back again today. And keep that thing quiet if you’re not expecting work calls. Nothing worse than being contacted from anywhere in the world at any time, truly.” The smile seemed to sink into a genuine, almost childlike frown, and Peter slinked back down the stairs without another sound.

After about five minutes of mopping, Martin released the hand and collapsed on the couch. Stupid, stupid, of course he would come right as he was about to fiddle with things.

The prolonged vibrations had ceased some minutes ago, and Martin finally opened the group chat to see what he’d missed. There were several messages from earlier in which Tim and the others had continued to chat. Then his message and general confusion and concern which Martin had expected. Finally, a missed call from Sasha, followed by a text.

Sasha: do we need to get over there?

Blinking, Martin considered the message. Was that an option?

Martin: no everything is over

Martin: peter came in, had to lie about it being a spam call

Jon: of course he did

Sasha: well, call when you think it’s safe

Tim: and maybe check your pockets

Immediately, Martin patted himself down, though nothing seemed amiss. His phone was of course still on him, and there was nothing new.

Martin: everything else is the same. the lighthouse wasnt nice enough to trade something for my tape recorder

Tim: :(

Jon: Sasha is right. We’ll do better if we talk over the phone later when you’re sure to be out of Lukas’ sight. Keep inventory of your things and call us when you can.

Hesitating for a moment, Martin looked down at the winding stairs.

Martin: if you had to get here how long would it take

Sasha: about two hours if i’m driving

Martin: right

Martin: okay. ill call you soon

--

The same conclusion was made as before, only moreso. Martin would keep his head down with exactly zero poking around. The lockscreen of his mobile would show no notifications to mitigate the risk of eavesdropping (what if his phone was stolen by his evil workplace?), and unless there was some sort of emergency no messages or calls were to be made during his work hours.

Peter certainly knew something was going on. There was no point in pretending otherwise. Martin would have to hope they were both committed to playacting their routine for as long as the others needed to get back and do something.

The thought dug a pit in his stomach. Pretending that everything was exactly the way it had been was just... being alone for most of the day. He’d enjoyed receiving random messages at work and the sudden movement in his pocket that meant someone was around. It was a normal thing for people, texting when they’re supposed to be working. Pity he’d mucked it up so fast.

Long after he’d prepared for sleep, Martin sat on his bed with mobile in hand. His contact list was so short that he didn’t even need to scroll to find Jon’s name. It was right under an old manager he’d never deleted from his contacts.

His thumb twitched over the call button. He wasn’t going to do it, but it was a nice thought. They’d already spoken at length today, with everyone showing enough concern that Martin had needed the alone time afterwards to breath.

That being said, enough time had passed for him to be itching for any conversation he could get, and he wanted to talk to Jon because he still didn’t quite get Sasha, and conversation with Tim tended to run short because Martin didn’t know how to keep things going after he’d dumped all of his grievances on the guy the week prior.

And he liked talking to Jon. And maybe it was because Martin understood a topic Jon cared deeply about, but Jon seemed to like talking to Martin, too.

There was no call that night, and he was out 20 pounds for that tape recorder from the resale shop.

[oh-for-fic-sake]

Phsychokinesis

You meet the League and butt heads with Clark.

Masterlist

Warnings: Swearing, Angst, Panic attacks

Phsychokinesis 

You sat in the back of the batmobile for what felt like hours lost in your own thoughts, you regreted this already, why rock the boat now? you were fine, you were learning how to do this on your own, you didn't need anyone they'd get in the way Or hurt! Then they'd hate you, hunt you down, you wouldn't get away! Either that or they'd see you for the monster you was and just leave you somwhere this was a stupid idea, a silly childish hope of a fairytale ending of a home ,acceptance the hope of finding people who will understand, they wont, no one understands they can't. You panicked your breathing shallow, out! you had to get out slowly you looked around looking for the hinge that held the door infront of you closed it had flipped up like a trunk but in your panicked state you wouldnt be able to concentrate enough to send out your ripple instead you had to touch it you fumbled with the harness style seat belt cursing when your fingers couldn't grip finally useing your power the split the mechanism down the seam it must have sent a warning to him in the front as you heard his voice a few seconds later.

"Kid? Calm down Whats the matter?-" 

"NO! Let me out stop, I've changed my mind I can do it on my own!" You cried out leaning forward blindly running your hands over the top of the door sliding your palms hurried wanting to find the weak spot to tear at sniffling as tears began falling blurring your vision 'stupid your so stupid!' You thought repeating over and over scrabbling over the top you couldnt find it! He continued talking low and calm trying to ease you out of your panic attack.

"Hey kid its okay your scared its natural to be scared okay? But I promise whatever your think is going to happen isn't, none of us are going to let anything happen to you, just take some deep breaths for me in......then out.....again for me in ...... and out....." you closed your eyes doing as he said kneeling on the floor shivering from the aftermath of your break down as you felt the vehicle stop. You slumped resting your head on the door in front of you and spoke in a quiet voice

"I can't do it again" You held your breath when you got no reply had he listened? 

"Do what again?" You stayed silent he wouldn't have it and asked again in a different way

"What are you afraid of? Tell me so I can help, we just want to help"

"....I'm better off alone.." and there it was your words were loud and clear Bruce read between the lines the truth behind your fear and panic,abandonment, a kid who lost her parents and has been passed here there and everywhere thrown from home to home until finally you run away deciding you dont need anyone else he sighed.

"We wont leave you, not now your here weather you belive it or not the second you stepped into this car you were one of us and the others are eager to meet you" 

"And when I hurt one of you? It will happen it always does its why they get rid of me." You venom in your voice made his blood go cold, you sounded like one of the many nut jobs he put away behind bars, the ones that wanted to watch the city burn with everyone in it ,all he could do was hope he wasn't to late.

"The only one you could hurt is me and if I'm not mistaken we have been over that already and you said so yourself you caught it, was I angry? Did I shout and attack you? Or call for back up? I could have but did I?"

 You looked down fidgeting with your fingers a little feeling small he almost sounded like a parent and not in that hyped up I'm right and your wrong way you were used to it was more like trying to get you to understand him something you hadnt heard in a long time.

"Well? I expect an answer young lady"

"No, you didn't do none of those things"

"Right and you know why? It was an accident and accidents happen, besides one of us will always be there to watch out for you,everyone in this place is faster then you physically we are all stronger than you there is no need to worry, now lets go meet the team, We are already here." You sniffed a little wiping at your eyes.

"I suppose....I'm scared" He chuckled at that you sounded so tiny and vulnerable 

"No their not scary at all come on" you waited a few breaths then the door opened and he was in front of you he sighed quickly lifting you out palcing a comforting hand on your shoulder. You looked around this place was huge with various different vehicles air land and sea all in matte black spanning the length of the huge space.

"Holy shit..." he hummed in agreement 

"Immpressive huh?" You looked around some you recgonized from news footage in gotham.

"Yeah you have a lot of.....weird  things here" he shrugged just happy that your little break down had passed, he knew the others were watching through the security eager to meet you, but he wanted to make sure you were okay. He cleared his throat nodding to the elevator that would take you up into the main tower.

"This way we can go and meet the team then get you settled in for the night" you blinked at him

"What?" He crossed his arms standing tall

"Well it is nearly eleven pm and your only what fourteen? you shouldnt be up this time, what about school?"

"Im sixteen and I don't go to school I do online...when I can be bothered" he sighed walking to the elevator you trailed behind him as he sent it moving up.

"Fine, either way you can stay here tonight, there is a room ready for you" you nodded a little apprehensive finally the doors opened revealing a huge room with a large round table the others sat around it smileing at you batman pushed you forward when he saw you freeze a little the small nudge sent you walking forward into the room. Wonder woman was the first to approach you with a smile

"Hello Im Diana its nice to meet you we're glad you decided to come" she was beautiful ,polite and looked kind, you almost forgot how powerfull she was just by speakjng to her

"H-hi Im y/n its....nice to meet you too" you said quietly scanning the room still nervous looking for escapes just incase, the window, thick glass but doable not sure how far the free fall would be- your thoughts were interrupted by a gruff voice

"I wouldn't we're pretty high" you snapped your gaze up to Aquaman he was....unerving to say the least, he gave of a chill and slightly playfull attitude.

"What?" He smirked nodding to the window

"Your checking for escape I could see it in your eyes, hell sometimes I want to throw myself out the window to escape this lot but were pretty high, I mean wonder boy over there would catch you no doubt but still waste of a window dont ya think?" You smiled a little blushing tangling your hands in your hoodie.

"Itd be fixed before I was a quarter of the way down, its just a habit.Sorry" He smiled waving it off

"Nah your fine its smart you want a back up plan I'm Arthur by the way." You nodded still lookkng around everyone noted you didn't drift to far from Bruce which in a way was good he become a sort of saftey net it seemed. They all new what happened on the way here and downstairs. You were holding up well considering how terrified you were. They all drifted to the table taking their seats, when you didn't follow Bruce came up behind you taking your bag walking to the huge round glase table you followed behind him.

"Jesus what do you have in here? Thats way to heavy for you to be lugging around" he complaind as he set it down lettingnyou take a seat next to him.

"Books,clothes, my phone ,headphones and purse I take everything with me when I leave the homes, its easyier that way don't have to go hunting for it later" you shrugged everyone in the room frowned. It was Clark who began speaking

"So thats everything you own?" You nodded a little scared of him if you were honest you were scared of all of them.

"Pretty much, when it comes to foster homes in Gotham their not the best to put it bluntly us kids are money makers, the state pays them to take me in, when your younger theres more to it they put you somewhere nice with good poeple that care, you know try to make you a model citizen all that crap but teens no we get the shit ones given a bed and told to get on with it we are lost causes by this point just waiting to age out and be fucked off, I haven't been to my foster home in three weeks they haven't tried to get in touch or anything they dont care, occasionally they file a missing persons report and police find you and take you back but thats only cos of the inspections if I aint there when the do a spot check the money stops and they can be stricken off the register loose about $400 a month, but I prefer being out on my own" He frowned crossing his arms infront of his chest taking a deep breath leaning back, you fidgited a little under his intense gaze leaning to Bruce he didn't look happy at all and you weren't sure what you'd done but you felt like you'd irritated him, you cast a glance to Batman who was giving you a similar look making you gulp.

"So where have you been sleeping then for these three weeks?" you snapped your head back to the Man of steel.

".......with freinds and stuff....." he raised an eyebrow he didn't need to hear your pulse change to know you were lying it was clear from the way you spoke quiet and high but he would leave it for now.

"Well from now on you will be home by eight at the latest" you blinked you were expecting an argument or some dismissive 'oh it can't be that bad' but not a curfew... honestly you wasn't sure what to make of it and that made you angry, you wasn't used to people caring for you, your first instinct is to scare them away.

"err what? not being funny but I'm here to get my freaky power under control not to get a fucking life coach, had one he quit...like not just me he quit completely something about having the devil inside or something...Not sure if that was aimed at me tho...Probably...He was old as shit" you shut up when he tilted his head leaning back it was a very...Parental gesture you swear your dad did the same thing when he was alive.

"Well that was before I learned of your situation and the fact that your living on the streets at the moment." you growled at him any fear replaced with anger and a little panic he knew... he definitely knew you were lying the air rippled around you coming to life.

"Are you deaf? I've been staying with friends.... Not that its any of your fucking business" 

"Friends from your online classes you never do? now I don't see that somehow" you shook glaring at him 

"Fuck you!" he stood up not taking notice of the way your eyes glowed you panicked normally that was enough to make them back off he wasn't, standing you faltered not sure what to do you wanted to scare him off, make him back down but you didn't want to hurt him, you freaked out a little as he continued coming around towards you swearing trying to pull back your power not wanting to attack him but in the state you were in it was hard you couldn't grasp it you winced hearing the crackling of the floor beneath you fighting it as it tried to rise up toward him.

"Calm down. I know your lying I can hear it in your pulse now I know for a fact that you've been on the streets and I'm guessing its more because your frightened of hurting them rather than all this teenage 'better of alone' bravado your trying to play it off as. And as for having a life coach Instead of that you'll be getting a family"

"Shut up!" you were really panicking now he had managed to figure you out break past your walls quick and you wanted him to stop.

"...I know your a good kid and have had a rough ride having to grow up to soon now its time to be a kid again. So from now on you will have a safe place to stay each night sometimes that will be here other times it will be with one of us" he kept coming slowly towards you, you stepped back only everyone watch tense but not out of fear or trepidation just ready to dodge what ever you might do.

"I'm not going to be a fucking charity case- this was a bad idea Im leaving" you made to grab your bag  but it wasnt by you chair anymore you swore 

"Your not leaving and your not going to be a charity casenow calm yourself down" 

"What you can't force me to stay here!" You backed off now sending out your power feelkng for your bag wanting to get out of here fast, this was a stupid thing to do, trust people? You cant trust anyone.

"I will if I think thats whats best for you,you can't hurt me... You can't hurt any of us and that is probably scaring you isn't it? its been a long time since you wasn't the strongest person in the room, since you were able to be yourself with out having to have absolute control of every thought and movement... I know because I've been there myself when I was growing up and the shock and fear I had fighting Zod and Batman it was frightening realizing that I could be hurt, its terrifying having something you don't understand or control and you think no one will understand, thats the same for each of us at some point we realized we are not like everyone else and we were alone wanting help someone to turn to thats why we are going to help you, so you can have some form of normality" you gave him a side glance shaking he understood? you thought he must of had it worse you couldn't imagine having to deal with his abilities. 

"Normal? Thats not an option for me, people can't even touch me" you cried out as he sped towards you tuggeding you forward to him making you jump everything happed so fast you couldn't catch it you closed your eyes tight shaking like a leaf knowing that you'd just attacked him unintentionally probably killed him you whined waiting for the inevitable attacks from the others instead the hug tightened he chuckled 

"Look its okay"slowly you opened your eyes looking down the small spikes had snapped as they touched him instead of impaling him you gasped stepping back.

"They didn't?" he smiled shaking his head.

"No they cant...I told you, you cant hurt us" you smiled a little sniffling as tears escaped you felt silly but happy relieved you might be able stay here... you could be here with them with out worrying about loosing control they can handle it.

"I-I dont have to run?" he smiled pulling you back against him

"No you dont have to run...I'm sorry I had to make you attack me it was the only way to make you see you can't hurt me and its the same with Victor, Arthur and Diana Barry is to fast and Bruce well he will think of somthing he usually does, here you can be yourself and relax a little be a kid again and yes that means rules and curfews" you smiled nervously as he retreated a little he was sad you hadnt returned the hug he could tell you were touch straved and you probably didn't even know it.

"I-I cant stay what about the social workers-"

"Hey what did he just say? you be the kid we will deal with all that." it was Diana who had interrupted as supes made his way back to his seat faster then you could register pulling back looking at the floor correcting it as you sat back down.

".... was a dick move tho supes"

"Clark call me Clark, no need for our other names here we're family" you nodded a little it sounded strange when he said it. 

"and I would appreciate it if you watched your mouth its not lady like" you snorted 

"The only lady like thing on me is my v-jay" you deadpanned Arthur roared up at that as Clark rolled his eyes next to introduce themselves was a man who didn't look much older than you.

"Hi I'm Barry, its great to have someone not old here now, they look fun but they are all boring" you laughed at to chorus of grunts and scoffs.

"Well I can't promise I'll be much fun.." he shook his head

"Seriously? I cant wait to see you in action properly, its one thing to see it on screen but honestly, I wanna see you do the glass thing how does that work anyway? Like how do you do what you do?" You leaned back into your chair.

"Err its kind of weird.... its like ripples?" he tilted his head

"Ripples?" You nodded nervous knowing everyone was listening.

"Yeah o-or waves, Im always sending them out  and I can feel everything they feel.... so sitting here I can feel the wall over there.....its close so I can make better sense of it and have better control I can move it like clay.... then to fix the things I break I just zip them up....I can show you if you like? and its okay?"you looked around the room everyone nodded a gruff

"Just be careful" came from behind you, within seconds your eyes glowed bright and the huge table shattered into hundreds of thousands of tiny pieces across everyone they stayed still holding there breath.

"did you hit it? To make it do that?" Arthur asked wanting to understand how it works.

"No I pulled it from all sides ,It feels like pulling apart a huge jigsaw when I do that.....tugging I can stretch it two but that makes it weaker I just make it thinner and larger when I do that.....then I just think of the pieces edges being a zipper that fits back together. Its ends up being so tiny you can't see it" You did as you said pressing them together slowly but surly the table mended itself creating three thirds then used the floor to push them up until it mended from the center out becoming crystal clear glass again.

"OH GOD THAT WAS SO COOL! Can you fix my phone screen its been annoying me for weeks?" You nodded as he produce the phone and you quicky fixed it for him he stared at it in awe running his fingner over wheee the cracks were

"Thats so cool...And usefull"

"Phsychokinesis" you turned slowly to the final man.....cyborg 

"Phsychowhatsit?" He chuckled at you

"Thats your gift its called phsychokinesis like telekinesis but instead of moving things without touching them you can manipulate physical things, their forms, but my geuss is for some reason you can pinpoint actual molecules instead of clumps of them together" you tilted your head at him you it had a proper name.

"Yeah thats right I can't make things float, only move and change em and I can't do it on anything living no plants or animals." He nodded 

"Im victor, the one who found you, I've seen you do some incredible things.....Are you aware of everything that you do or does a lot of things just happen?" You shrugged

"Most just happen, the table I did but.....when people make me jump I try to attack them" you cast a guilty glance at batman behind you he waved you off.

"I dont mean to and if I trip or fall the ground softens ,if i fall really high it rises to catch me...water to I can't go onnthe diving board it gets weird...I don't do any of that either just happens....but I catch them most of the time before things go to bad"

"Self preservation, you said you send out these....Ripples all the time? You cant pull them back?"

"No I tried once it really hurt it was like....It felt like someong ripping my skin off, of burning my nerves i passed out in under a mineut....my fault tho" Arthur sat up leaning over the table

"Whats your fault?" You smiled sadly

"I- after I killed my parents I put it away it was an accident but it was me who did it.....Stopped useing it completly I'd suppressed it then about a year ago.... yeah I had to use it to save my freinds on a school trip... I tried to sheild them protect them, but the oil tanker was huge! I couldnt hold it for long and as much as I wanted to I just couldnt push it back to the water and......my gift it was much stronger then I remembered it hurt.....couldn't hold it... since then I can't put it back" 

"So you've always had it? Then surpressed it for years and then it blew up and now you can't control it?  I think it reacts to protect you, when you fall you don't want to hit the ground and be hurt so it moves to accommodate you instead your power is trying to protect you." 

"That....makes a lot of sense.... shit word tho my names gonna be fucking lame...." Barry laughed.

"eh we can thing of somthing.... well I can they all added man and woman to something" you giggled a little Diana got up smileing at you

"Y/n its late we should probably get you to bed" you blinked at her then got up slowly. Everyone said their good nights as you left the room looking around wearly

"Dont worry, nothing will happen here" she said moving closer slowly hooking an arm across your shoulder you tensed but it only flicked across the floor, like a stepping into a puddle of sand then levled again you relaxed again.

"See? Like Clark said we are family here so just think of us as your aunt and uncles we will protect you...now this is your room you can decorate it soon and there is a small ensuite to, all of us have rooms here homes away from home and soon you will probably be coming with us to our other homes aswell but for now you will stay here training for a while while we sort out the legal side of things. Im across the hall Clark is next door and Bruce two doors down"

"Bruce?" She rolled her eyes a little snorting

"Batman, he always finds a way to hide his own name paranoid bat" you sighed frowning

"ho-how are you going to sort out the social worker thing? I know you said not to worry but I wont be able to sleep..." she smiled patting your shoulder sitting on the bed with you.

"Adoption and as much as I would love to adopt you from what just happend I'm pretty sure Clark isn't going to let anyone else do it"

"Sounds like you knew my situation befor I got here, you can't just adopt me tho thats like a lot of home checks and and you have to pay a lot of money thats not fair-"

"We did know...Bruce has adopted his fair share already and will be pulling a few strings for us tho as I said I'm pretty sure Clark has decided already you need a more quiet stable home, as lovely as Bruces children are they are boisterous and human which can put you on edge which isn't what we want. Clark has one kryptonian son who is older than you and would be well equipped to help you over come any hiccups.Now just relax, go have a shower brush your teeth and get some sleep?" you looked at her wide eyed adopted...By Superman....and having a brother who you also cant hurt.

"Im not tired-" she tilted her head raising a brow at you

"You need sleep your a growing girl, I expect you in bed in half an hour I will know if your not and if your not I'm sending in Clark" you nodded in a way it was nice having someone who cared.

"Good night I will see you in the morning" she said closing the door. You looked across the room it was nice a large twin bed, your bag had been placed on it somehow, a desk tv on the wall built in wardrobe and a door in the corner what you assumed lead to the ensuite. after a few moments you got up using the shower and brushing your teeth before changing and crawling into bed, tonight was strange but it was nice to have somewhere safe to sleep and you was happy you couldnt hurt superman. you fell into a deep sleep fairly easily to warn out not to vaguly aware of someone pokeing their head in the room to check on you.

[chinguwritings]

 A 3RACHA Fan-Fiction

|| Ch 1 || Ch 2 || Ch 3 || Ch 4 || Ch 5 || Ch 6 ||

By: Admin Kay

Chapter 3 - Shared Feelings

Genre: Fluff, Angst, Smut, Hanahaki AU

Rating: R (swearing, sexual scenes)

Word Count: 4.2k

“Changbin,” Jisung called as he knocked on his bedroom door. Not receiving an answer, he welcomed himself in and found a still sleeping Changbin curled up on his bed. “Hyung?” he called again, sitting down on the edge of the bed, “Did you see Chan’s text last night?”

“Hng?” he mumbled into his pillow as he shifted under the sheets, “I didn’t check my phone last night.”

“Oh… well, he wanted to have a 3racha day today so he invited both of us to go to the amusement park with him. Do you think you’re feeling well enough to go?”

“Not really… I still feel like shit.”

“Damn…” Jisung sighed, worriedly glancing back at Changbin, “He wanted to celebrate after finishing our recording so he was really looking forward to it… I’ll let him know you don’t feel good.”

He waited for a confirmation from Changbin, but got nothing, so he decided to just head back to his room and start getting ready. Jisung really did feel bad that Changbin couldn’t come, but secretly, he was kind of excited that it would just be him and Chan… it was like a second date!

“Hello?”

“Hi, Chan-hyung!” Jisung greeted through the phone as he looked through his closet for a nice outfit, “So um… I’ve got some good news, and bad news.”

“Okay, let’s hear the bad first.”

“So, Changbin has been sick since yesterday afternoon… this morning I checked up on him, but he said he still doesn’t feel good so he’s not gonna come today.”

“Oh, he’s sick? He seemed alright at his recording yesterday… tell him I hope he feels better soon. So what’s the good news?”

“I’m going!” Jisung said excitedly, finally deciding on an outfit and laying it out on his bed.

“Oh,” Chan chuckled at the excitement in Jisung’s voice, “Alright, so it’ll just be the two of us then?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” he answered, trying to sound a little less giddy as he changed into the clothes he’d picked out.

“Okay then, I’ll be at your place in like fifteen minutes to pick you up.”

“Sounds good! See you soon.”

“See you.”

Cupping his face in his hands, Jisung laughed hysterically to himself, unable to wipe the huge smile off his face. He couldn’t even process the excitement he was feeling about being alone with Chan again, and even more so, at an amusement park. Even though it wasn’t intended to be a date, the given circumstances were sure as hell making it seem like one.

Recollecting himself, he finished styling his hair and gave himself a few spritz of his favorite cologne before packing a condom and mints in his pants pockets, as always, and just as he finished getting ready, he heard his phone go off.

[Chan 11:43 am]: Im here

As excited as he was, he was also nervous. This was the first time they’d be spending time together with Chan knowing Jisung was gay, and although he was supportive when he came out, hanging out now would be completely different. What if Chan started being awkward around him because he knew Jisung was into guys now? He knew Chan was a nice person, but this was sexuality they were talking about; if Chan was straight and he suspected that Jisung had a crush on him, the close friendship they shared and developed up to this point could be put on the line. It was a bit scary for Jisung to be honest, but he really liked Chan, so he wanted to make a genuine effort to be with him. If it didn’t work out, well then he would just accept that it’s not meant to be… at least that’s what he told himself.

“Hey,” Jisung greeted as he opened the passenger side door of the company van.

“Hey,” Chan smiled, peering over at Jisung as he made himself comfortable and slung his seatbelt on, “You look nice!”

“Oh, uh… thanks!” Jisung stuttered, his eyes falling to the floor nervously, “Um… you too.”

“No need to flatter me,” Chan chuckled as he put the car back into drive and started making his way to the amusement park. “So… do you know when Changbin started feeling sick?”

“Hm… not exactly, but it must’ve been shortly after the recording yesterday. He said he was gonna meet me at the practice room, but he didn’t show up, and then when I got home I found him in the bathroom. It didn’t sound too good…”

“I see…” Chan nodded, a serious expression on his face as he focused intensely on the road.

“Yeah… he said it’s just food poisoning, but I’m not too sure. Sometimes, Changbin tries to act tough and hide when he’s hurting, but I don’t like to fight with him about it,” Jisung shrugged, turning to look out the window before continuing, “I’m sure he’ll go to the doctor if it’s bad enough, so I’m trying not to worry.”

“I agree, as long as he knows his limits he should be fine.”

* * *

Changbin groaned as he stretched out his arms and then reached for his phone, checking the time through half lidded eyes. Damn, it’s 2 already? he sighed, rubbing his face as he slowly sat himself up and dragged himself out of bed.

“Jisung,” he called as he walked out into the hall towards Jisung’s bedroom, but there was no answer. “Jisung?” he called again, knocking on the door before opening it and peeking inside. You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me…

 Finding an empty room, he quickly made a round around their small apartment to double check, but as suspected, Jisung was nowhere to be found. Changbin only sighed in response knowing there was nothing he could do about it at that point. He was just in utter disbelief that Jisung cared more about going out with Chan than staying home to make sure his best friend was okay… was something going on between them?

He had suffered enough last night, getting caught up in his thoughts about Chan, so he tried his best not to think about it; the last thing he wanted was another bad flare up. Wanting to keep himself busy, he thought it’d be a good idea to clean up around the house, taking out the trash, washing the dishes, doing the laundry, vacuuming, and so on. By the time he’d finished, it was almost dinner time, so he decided to go out and treat himself at a nice restaurant since Jisung was probably gonna be out for a while more.

As he sat at his table waiting for his food to be served, he found himself scrolling through his social media to pass the time; it was pretty boring though, there wasn’t much to see. He was just about to get off of the app when he noticed a post from the 3racha account on his feed, so he scrolled down to see what it was. To no surprise, it was selfies of Chan and Jisung and they were posing together on the ferris wheel.

Even though he wasn’t surprised, Changbin definitely wasn’t happy about seeing pictures like that. All he could think to himself was, why couldn’t it be me? He wasn’t one hundred percent sure if Chan and Jisung had feelings for each other, but seeing as Jisung had been acting strangely these days and avoiding Changbin’s questions, it was hard for him to ignore the eerie feeling he’d developed in regards to their relationship.

If they really did have something though… why? What’s so different about Jisung that Changbin doesn’t have? What does Chan see in him? Is it because Jisung is more bubbly? Taller? Better looking? It bothered him knowing that Chan could possibly like Jisung and not even that long after their one night stand. Did Chan really not care about him?

He was able to go the entire day flower free, but good things don’t last forever, right? Just as the waitress brought his food, he could feel the familiar tightness building up in his lungs accompanied by his increasing heart rate and an intense urge to cough.

“Um excuse me…” he called to the waitress as she walked away, “Where’s the restroom?”

“In that corner over there, just past the wall,” she pointed as she spoke, “You’ll see the sign.”

“Thank you,” Changbin barely finished as he rushed to the corner as she’d directed, tears filling his eyes as he continued to fight back his urge to cough. It’s not that this disease was critical and would cause people to panic if they saw someone who had it; it wouldn’t cause death in its early stages and it wasn’t contagious. But Changbin found it rather embarrassing and it just made him feel extremely pathetic. How can an idiot really be hung up on a person who treats them like shit and doesn’t like them back? If people knew that some dude was struggling with unrequited love long enough to have reached the fourth stage, green petals… then doesn’t that show weakness? That he’s not strong enough to move forward? Besides being noticed by people in public, maybe that’s also why he was so afraid to tell Jisung. He didn’t want him to think he was weak.

Arriving at the bathroom just in time, he shut and locked the door before his lungs spewed dozens of green lily petals into the toilet bowl. It always hurt more after dwelling on his thoughts for a long time and it also seemed to be hurting more as his disease continued to progress; when would it end? Clutching his sides in pain, he closed his eyes as he tried his best to steady his labored breathing. It took a few minutes for him to finally regain strength enough to pull himself back together, although part of it was forced just because he wanted to get out of that place as soon as he could.

Once he got back to his table, he asked for his check and to have his food taken out instead, not really having much of an appetite anymore after his sudden outburst. By the time he got back home, it was nearly 8, but still Jisung hadn’t come home. How long were they gonna be out anyways?

* * *

“So did you have fun?” Chan asked as he and Jisung found an open table to sit down and eat their food at.

“Yes! Thank you so much for bringing me,” Jisung smiled as he bit into his burger.

Chan chuckled, finding Jisung’s reaction cute, “I’m glad. We should definitely do this more often.”

Jisung’s eyes grew wide at Chan’s comment, surprised to hear that he felt that way. It’s true that he might’ve been thinking more of it than it really was, but knowing that Chan wanted to spend more time with him regardless if it was platonic or not made Jisung’s heart flutter. The more he could bond with Chan, the more he felt like he had a chance.

“I mean… unless you don’t want to,” Chan interrupted teasingly in response to Jisung’s silence.

“N-no no, that’s not it! I do want to… I was just surprised… is all…”

Chan could only laugh again, seeing how flustered Jisung was. He wasn’t really sure, but he was starting to get an inkling that maybe Jisung had a crush on him. Even though this whole amusement park hangout was meant to be for 3racha, he was thankful to have another opportunity with just Jisung so he could test if his hypothesis was correct. “Did you have any last things you wanted to do before we leave?” Chan asked before finishing off his food.

For a moment Jisung sat there, thinking if there was anything else he wanted to do. As he glanced around the park that was now beautifully illuminated in the night, there was actually one thing that stood out to him and caught his attention. “Um… if you’re up for it, do you want to go on the ferris wheel again? Since it’s dark now, maybe we can see the city lights.”

“Sure,” Chan smiled, “I wanted to go again too, actually.”

After finishing up their food and cleaning up the table, the two of them made their way back to the ferris wheel. Thankfully, the line wasn’t too long so they were able to get into a cart fairly quickly. Slowly the cart made its ascent as other people boarded after them and as Jisung mentioned, once they were high enough, the breathtaking view of the city came into view, the street lights glowing under the starry night sky.

“Hyung, look,” Jisung gawked as he stared out the window, “It’s so beautiful.”

Chan took the opportunity to scoot closer to him, slinging his arm over the back of Jisung’s side of the bench as he peered over his shoulder, “It definitely is… but I’ve got my eyes on something else.”

Jisung’s face suddenly began to heat up, hands growing clammy as his heart began to pound. He was really hoping it was him that Chan was referring to, but it seemed too good to be true. He didn’t want to give himself false hope.

“Y-you do?” he answered, not wanting to make assumptions too quickly. As he turned to face Chan, he was startled to see that he’d scooted closer while he wasn’t paying attention and his face was now just a hair's width away from his own.

“Stop me if you don’t like it,” Chan barely whispered before pressing his lips against Jisungs. His eyes widened at Chan’s abrupt advance, his face even more flushed now than earlier as he sat there in shock. “Not gonna kiss me back?” Chan mumbled as he pulled away, his hand going up to brush over Jisung’s cheek, “I’ll stop if—”

Before he could finish, Jisung reconnected their lips, his arms wrapping around Chan’s waist to pull him closer. Chan chuckled against Jisung’s lips, feeling his fiery passion emanating from the kiss and how much he’d probably been longing for this moment to happen… so it was finally confirmed that Jisung did in fact like Chan.

The two gasped for air as Jisung finally pulled away, still slightly appalled by what had just happened. Did this mean… Chan liked him too?

“I guess… you really are a virgin, huh?” Chan teased upon noticing the slight tent in Jisung’s pants, likely from their brief make-out session, “I believe you now.”

“Yah…” Jisung whined as he turned away from Chan, embarrassed, and covered his crotch area with his hands.

“What? I didn’t say it was a bad thing. You’re young, better to save it for the right person anyways.”

“And what if… I think that person is you?” Just after Jisung said that, he regretted it; that wasn’t at all how he planned to confess to Chan. He imagined it being much smoother and more romantic.

“Is that so?” Chan grinned, “Well, if you think so, I’d definitely love to be that person for you.”

“R-really? I mean… not just the sex part, though… I actually… really like you, Chan-hyung.”

“I know, and I like you, too, Jisung.”

Jisung had the biggest smile plastered onto his face at the sound of Chan’s words, tempted to pinch himself to make sure he wasn’t dreaming. Chan really just told him that he liked him back and this was the first time they spent any time together after their last hang out when he first came out. It was a little hard for him to believe but he also didn’t think Chan would lie to him, especially about something as sensitive as romantic feelings.

His thoughts were interrupted by the cart door being opened by one of the park attendants, who then gestured for them to exit the ride. The two boys bowed slightly, thanking the person as they stepped out of the cart and started making their way back to the van. Jisung was still speechless and lost in his thoughts as they walked and Chan could tell; he didn’t want to interrupt though, so he let him be, following close behind until they finally arrived back in the parking lot. By the time they left, it was past 8 and so when they got back to Jisung’s place, it was almost 9.

“Hyung…” he started, catching Chan by surprise as he parked the van up against the curb.

“Hm?” he replied, turning his head to face Jisung, “Is something wrong?”

“Um… there’s something I wanna try…” he stated shyly, eyes falling to the floor as he awaited Chan’s response.

“Alright, what is it?”

Jisung was hesitant about answering, but he really just dug his own grave. He already brought it up so there was no running away now. “Uh well… do you think we could um… go in the back seat first?”

“Oh?” Chan questioned, cocking his head at Jisung who looked quite embarrassed, “Yeah, that’s fine with me.” Chan smirked to himself knowingly as he got out of his seat and met Jisung in the back seat and shut the door behind him. He didn’t know exactly what Jisung wanted to do but he could definitely assume the premise of it. “So, what is it you wanted to try?”

Jisung froze, staring  at Chan as he tried to build up enough courage to share his request, but he kept having second thoughts. He couldn’t help but think it’d be strange and abrupt to just ask Chan to make out with him again, and on top of that he’d probably end up thinking Jisung was desperate. After that little taste Chan gave him on the ferris wheel though, he just couldn’t get it out of his mind; he wanted to feel it again but this time longer, more passionate, and maybe it could even lead to more if he was lucky… he didn’t carry a condom with him at all times for nothing.

After waiting in silence for too long, Chan snickered before finally breaking the silence, “Let me guess… it has something to do with what happened on the ferris wheel.” Scooting closer, Chan placed a hand on Jisung’s thigh, his other hand going up to caress Jisung’s face, thumb brushing over his smooth, rosy cheek.

Jisung barely nodded, eyes wide with anticipation in hopes that Chan would be the one to initiate it again. He barely made out a grin forming on Chan’s lips when he let his eyes flutter shut, waiting to feel the amazing feeling he felt on the ferris wheel for the second time.

For a moment, Chan only looked at him in amusement; it was adorable how Jisung became so reliant when he was nervous, but he was almost certain now that he knew what Jisung wanted. Leaning in, Chan finally pressed his plump lips against Jisung’s, earning himself a little gasp from the younger boy. The hand he had upon Jisung’s face, soon shifted instead  to the nape of his neck sending chills down his spine while the hand on his thigh slowly inched higher and higher, giving him light squeezes in between. He could feel his insides tingling from the combination of sensations he was feeling and to add to that, Chan slipped his tongue into Jisung’s mouth without any warning, making his breath hitch in his throat.

Jisung could feel the crotch of his pants starting to tighten again, his burning desire for Chan building up again and intensifying, far exceeding what he felt on the ferris wheel. He never knew that he could be so attracted to a guy in this way, or any way really, it made him want to do everything with Chan and he couldn’t get enough of his touch. 

Reaching for the hand on his thigh, Jisung did something completely unexpected; he wasn’t sure if it was his hyperactive libido acting or if he was just that comfortable with Chan now, but before he could even think about it, he had dragged Chan’s hand further up his leg until it finally landed on his bulging erection. He felt Chan smirk against his lips before slightly pulling away to speak. “I didn’t know you could be so bold,” Chan chuckled, fingers curling around Jisung’s girth as much as his pants allowed.

As much as Jisung wanted to reply, his brain was too overwhelmed to form words, only a soft moan slipping out of his mouth in response to the new sensation. Even with clothes in between, Chan’s hands just felt so damn good and he couldn’t get enough of it. “Hyung,” he whimpered, gripping Chan’s bicep to brace himself, “Y-you… can do what you want… t-to me.”

“Are you sure?” Chan asked, momentarily halting his movements.

Nodding his head, Jisung desperately urged his hips upwards, wanting Chan to continue his glorious fingerwork. “I trust you.”

Chan grinned in acknowledgement before proceeding to touch Jisung again. “Okay. I’ll go easy on you… since you’re a virgin.”

“Yah… you always make fun of me,” Jisung whined, inhaling sharply as Chan began toying with his head, “Have you done it before or something?”

“Maybe,” he shrugged, pausing his hand movements again to undo Jisung’s pants, “And I only make fun of you because I think you’re cute.”

Jisung felt his face heating up again at Chan’s words, eyes glued to Chan’s hands to avoid his gaze. Did he really just call me… cute? I must be dreaming…

The air felt cool around Jisung’s throbbing cock as Chan pulled down his briefs, letting it free, precum starting to seep from the tip in anticipation. Chan skillfully spread the substance around with his thumb before wrapping his fingers around his shaft, slowly beginning to pump him.

Jisung struggled to hold in his moans, the skin on skin contact of Chan’s hand on him presenting a new degree of pleasure that he’d never felt on his own. He honestly imagined it’d feel comparable to masturbating, but there was just something about Chan’s touch that felt so much better, though, he couldn’t quite put a finger on what it was exactly. He’d barely done anything, and Jisung already felt like his end was nearing.

“Feel good, Sungie?” Chan smirked against his ear, gently nipping at it before pressing a few kisses along his jaw and down his neck.

“Fuck,” Jisung groaned, face scrunched as he tried to fight back his orgasm, wanting to hold on to the blissful feeling Chan was giving him just a little longer.

“You’re close aren’t you?” he mumbled into his neck, fingers sliding up to play with his slick, sensitive head, “Just relax.”

“God, Chan-” Jisung gritted his teeth as he clenched onto Chan’s shirt sleeve, feeling his insides starting to tingle. He was holding on to his composure by only a single thread, but Chan had other plans, showing him no mercy as he suddenly picked up speed making Jisung gasp. “Chan I’m—”

Before he could even finish his sentence, and intense pleasure erupted throughout his body, making him tense up as his head fell forward, hair covering the profanities that he mouthed as he spilled his hot seed. Chan hovered his hand over Jisung’s member to prevent the substance from shooting onto his clothes, instead letting it drip down his hand and accumulate in one place. Once Jisung finished riding out his high, Chan kicked out a tissue box from under the seat to clean up the mess, while Jisung attempted to catch his breath and collect himself before doing anything else.

“That was… amazing,” Jisung mumbled, slumped back in his seat with his eyes still closed.

“I’m glad,” Chan smiled as he wadded up the used tissues and tossed them into the front cup holder to discard later.

Wearily, Jisung turned his head, staring at Chan through his hooded lids before his gaze fell down to Chan’s crotch.

“Hyung! You’re hard,” Jisung gasped, reaching down to cup his bulging erection when he was abruptly stopped by a firm grip on his wrist.

“You should go,” Chan spoke solemnly, a glint of worry in his eyes, “Changbin is probably waiting for you.”

“But Chan!” Jisung whined, “After you did that for me… I have to return the favor…”

“Another time, Jisung… it’s 9:30 already.”

“But—”

Pressing his lips to Jisung’s, he quickly shut him up, but the kiss was brief as he still stood by his earlier words. “Go,” he said again as he pulled away, quickly opening the side door and hopping out after, “I’ll text you tomorrow.”

Jisung was sad to leave, but he knew Chan was right. Changbin was home alone, sick for literally the entire day because Jisung wanted to spend time alone with Chan. He hated to admit it, but it was an extremely selfish decision and he didn’t even want to think about how Changbin probably felt; he knew it’d make him feel even more guilty than he already did.

When Jisung stepped into the apartment, he found Changbin sitting on the couch watching TV, completely unphased by his arrival.

“Wow. Aren’t you late,” Changbin remarked, his focus never leaving the tv as he spoke.

“Y-yeah, I guess… a little?” Jisung said nervously as he took off his shoes and set them aside.

“So, how was your date?”

“W-what? What do you mean?”

“Stop playing innocent already. It’s getting annoying.”

“I… don’t know what you’re talking about.”

“I saw the damn van parked outside at least twenty minutes ago, don’t lie to me! What the hell were you doing in there for twenty minutes?! or maybe even longer, I don’t know!”

“I…” Shit.

|| Ch 1 || Ch 2 || Ch 3 || Ch 4 || Ch 5 || Ch 6 ||

[thehappymessproject]

92/100 - On exploring our darkest corners

- On perfectionism and self-sabotage

Last week, I had the worst session I ever had with a patient. I always struggled with perfectionism. I was also raised to keep work as a very high priority. That means that I spent a lot of time over the years trying to be the best possible therapist, even after realising I couldn’t, that no one could. It also implies that having a big crisis at work can provoke huge melt downs. 

Last year, I started this therapy focused on trauma and attachments wounds. Since then, I’m having those very intense moments sometimes, where something very hard happens, and I react in a very old and new way at the same time. 

The old : I react with a lot of emotional intensity, like I used to years ago, before my first therapy. When I look at it from closer, I’m not just reacting about what happened, I am also reacting to a lot of similar events in my life. Parts of me, of my identity, break down. I am suddenly filled with doubt about many many things. 

The new : First, I can feel really quickly that it’s not just about the one that triggered my emotional response, and calming down. The pieces that break down are much smaller, and don’t stay broken for long anymore. A calm voice replaces the resenting panicky voice running the melt-downs. The quiet confident voice is making the doubts slowly subside. 

I am a bit thrown by that mix between familiarity and newness. Familiarity brings us comfort, even when it feels bad : we know how it feels, and often even how it will go. Newness is exciting and full of possibility, but also the root of uncertainty. Unless we were lucky enough to be wound-free as a child, emotional uncertainty can get scary, and often leaves us feeling vulnerable and fragile. 

A few years ago (the last time I had such a crisis at work), I would have been devastated for weeks. I would have completely doubted my ability to be a good therapist, bordering on having difficulty to see how I am even a good person. Having such an awful encounter with a patient I appreciate a lot would have meant that I am clueless about what is good for my patients. Which would have surely slipped towards the belief that I am clueless about everything.

Here’s the first thing : by wanting so badly to be perfect and doing things perfectly, we always close ourselves to the ability to actually see our flaws and all the ways we are far from perfect. We also close our hearts from seeing how we hurt the people we love the most. We cannot change anything we refuse to see. 

Brene Brown did an incredible job studying shame, and busted forever the idea that perfectionism has anything to do with pursuing excellence. Perfectionism is about avoiding shame at all cost. We get so obsessed by being good and right, that we end up doing a lot of bad things, and be really wrong : we’re just not able to see it. 

Learning how to see how flawed we are is one of the most precious skill we can ever develop. We all feel at some point dumb, clumsy, awkward, incompetent, needy, weird... If we can’t see all that and still love ourselves, we won’t be able to change in the ways we want, to connect deeply with others, to truly love. 

A team of Harvard researchers studied something they called Immunity to change. When we operate in ways that aren’t good for us, it is generally assumed that it is because of a lack of awareness, knowledge or skills. What their method is showing to us is that in fact, we are feeding a certain pattern. 

Here is the second thing : when we resist doing certain things or changing in a certain way that would be good for us on the long run, it is helping us going toward a certain goal. This unconscious goal that we don’t really know we have, but that is more precious for us than what we would accomplish by doing otherwise right now. 

This secret goal is often related to identity : “If I do that, it will mean I’m weak/bad/wrong/out of control/rejected...”. It is generally about avoiding feeling bad in some way. These parts of ourselves want to protect us. They love us in their own sabotaging way, but they are well intentioned. We need to see them for what they are to live at peace. 

I could have found a million reasons why my patient reacted so strongly and ended up very hurt, to blame her for what happened. I could ignore my guilt and the shame of not being perfect by directing them at her, finding all flaws in her and her reactions. There always are some. 

Instead, I’ve spent a good amount of that past week reflecting over how I felt, what I didn’t like in my own reaction and behaviour, and what I was considering as problematic or not aligned with my values. I got upset, I cried, I journaled, took really good care of myself to heal the wounds. I spent most time looking at my shadow right in the eye. 

Looking at our flaws can be an evil tool of self-persecution, or the magical tool of our emotional freedom. We can choose. We can cultivate the latter to transform the former into an asset. 

By making it all about me, since it is MY experience of it, and I know hers will have to be different, I allow myself to question what I did, without questioning who I am. To see that we were both trying our best, and couldn’t come up to a more comfortable ground, without attributing fault. I can feel that blaming, as seductive as it can be, will also bring me nowhere useful. 

Seeing our flaws and darkness for what they are and not for the fantasy we wish they really were liberates us from repeating the same mistakes and patterns. 

By facing what we are the most afraid of, we always discover we made it bigger in our head. We can finally see the cheap tricks our mind is playing. And learn how to free ourselves from them. 

We can do hard things. 

We can look where it is scary to look inside of us. 

We deserve to be able to look at ourselves with love, and pride. 

We can free ourselves.

Speak soon, 

Love, 

L.

[azkabqn]

I wasn't sure if I was going to post anything for mental health awareness month. But as afraid as I am with admitting my struggles, I feel like it's something that isn't shared enough. And if you dont want to read this than thats totally fine. I just ask that if you're going through your own battles, I strongly encourage you to seek out help. It's terrifying but necessary. Mental illness is a liar and it blindfolds you. Don't let hope become a memory. Your life is worth changing.

Im Lydia, im 22 and for the past 3 years I've suffered with severe depression and anxiety. And I guess this is a post to bring to light how exhausting mental health can be. But also how it's so worth it to fight for better.

It's scary how long you can live with it and never really notice. It creeps its way in so slowly that your mind begins to recognise the thought process as a state of normal. I'd sometimes come across a post about a strangers brave battle with mental illness and never once thought, hey that's me. I'd read and often relate but never saw it in myself. I'm still not sure why, but I think it was the part of me that was trying to deny it.

I pulled away from everything and everyone around me til all I did was stare at my ceiling fan making mental lists of everything I should be doing, but laying on my bed sounded the most comfortable. Depression and anxiety became comfortable. When I think about it now, that's so incredibly fucked up. My mind was more content staring at nothing than doing the things I loved, the education I paid for, sitting down and spending time with family and friends. Taking a shower. It was more comfortable to sit and stare for months than to participate in life.

It's terrifying how quickly willpower can be snuffed out. How suddenly rational thinking is drowned by the flood of panic and tears. Your mind races through thoughts quicker than your heart is pumping. And all you've done is sit and stare at a blank page for 5 minutes. A piece of paper and the intention to fill it is too daunting to consier. Everyone around you can do it so easily. But they dont get it, you have to write you have to think and when you struggle to come up with even 1 reason to get out of bed each day. Every little thing becomes a mountain. And when you have a birds eye view of that mountain range, pulling up the bed covers and rolling over feels safer.

It took me 3 years to recognise I needed help. I'd go through cycles with intense bursts of depression and anxiety, followed by a wave of numbness. In those times I felt nothing I thought i was getting better, feeling nothing is better than feeling everything at once. It took me going through a few very hard situations; each time tipping me to my limits, each scaring the hell out of my parents and the people around me getting caught in my emotional crossfire, before recognising I needed help. I mistook numbness for peace and that's why the cycles continued.

My mind had beaten into me for years that I was alone in this world, that no one truly cared. And to finally need someone to care, feels like seeing a small light being turned on in the distance and blindly running in the dark to a vague direction. You have no idea whats hiding between you and that light. You're suddenly aware of how exposed you are, and how dark it really is.

I read that pirates wore eyepatches so that when they would walk between above and below deck they wouldn't be blinded by the stark difference in environment. Seeing a therapist feels a little like you've been below deck in the slog of chaos, desperately trying to keep your ship a float by yourself. No longer wearing an eyepatch because there's never time to go upstairs. Then suddenly a calm voice and door opens and the light floods in and its terrifying because its new and different, but when you breathe that first breath of fresh air and once your eyes adjust, you see exactly how you've been living. And bullying yourself like that is no way to live.

I was in therapy for months, arming myself with techniques to rewire my brain function. Literally. My therapist had me drawing a sheild at one point. But my mental health journey isn't one to be ashamed of. It's not the first thing I talk about with people, but im slowly learning to accept that that road was a necessary one for my personal growth. I'm out of therapy now, but constantly still using techniques I've learnt to keep myself in this new positive head space I've fought for.

To be totally cliché, im going to end this with some lyrics from Last Hope by Paramore.. Because to be honest I'm not really sure how else to end this, but this song really did help me get through the wost of times.

"And the salt in my wounds isn't burning anymore than it used to. It's not that I don't feel the pain it's just I'm not afraid of hurting anymore.

It's just a spark, But it's enough to keep me going

(So if I let go of control now, I can be strong)

And when it's dark out, no one's around, It keeps glowing."

[lionlibretto]

2:21 AM  - December 26th - I reached out

All of that writing and stuff, and I ended up reaching out.  i went against what i said I was going to do. 

i feel like im approaching things okay, but i feel like i might be repeating the same mistakes i made with gabby. 

i keep asking myself, am i doing this cuz i need validation?

am i doing this because im afraid of being alone?

but no.. if im not talking to anna, then im just alone. im alone thinking, listening to music, drawing, writing, existing.. i’m not afraid of being alone. it’s uncomfortable, and I’d prefer not, but i’ll do it if I have to. one day I’ll be comfortable being alone, but i dont think my reasons for grieving and wanting to reach out are for fear of being alone. when i want to reach out, it’s because i think of all of the reasons i love him. i think about the type of person he is and what he meant to me. i think about how those qualities enriched my life in such a positive way. i think about how wonderful of a person i felt he was. i think of all of those things and that makes me want to reach out.  i think about how letting that go would be a waste.. so i opened the door again. i’m not holding my hand out, and my door isn’t even completely open - it’s unlocked. unlocked for him to come forward and speak to me should he decide or want to.. should he feel my presence in his life was important too. but i am bracing myself for the opposite. i am expecting the absolute worst at this point. my expectations are as low as they can be. i mean how many times in my life has this been the outcome at this point? with me being the one left behind and the one people no longer want to speak to? it’s happened so often. anything different would be shocking at this point, and im not even saying that in a self deprecating way. it’s just what i’m used to.  so expect the worst. he has probably written you out of his life, ash. but remember these things:

He was important enough to you for you to try. 

You miss him so much, and that means you cared deeply about him - that’s a good quality.

It hurts so much. It hurts so much that I miss him, and want to be with him. But I’m sure to them it looks differently.

However, I decide what that means. I decide what me missing him, and caring this intensely means. and what it means is that I’m a person that is able to care deeply about people and that is a good quality about myself. I care deeply about people, and am moved by people close to me, to the point where it hurts this much to say good bye. I decide what that means - not them. I do. And I cared. That’s what it means. I cared about him.

I cared about him so much that it hurts this much, and If he can’t see that, I can’t force him. I can only control myself, and my emotions, and my path. I can only continue to be the best person that I can possibly be for myself. 

Should he decide to leave for good, what does this mean for me?

It means he has decided he can not provide the things I need.

It means he has decided that he is too insecure to pursue a relationship or friendship with me.

It means he has realized that he is not ready or capable of dealing with my level of emotions - the strength of my soul and person. i am a powerful person, and my personality is loud and bright. not everyone can handle that. 

It means that he was afraid of change, maybe. That he was afraid of something new and powerful. 

It means that he may have had different visions of his future. 

It means he realized that being vulnerable is too scary. 

That he possibly realizes that I’m too good for him. 

That something in him has triggered a need to be alone and shut off.

That he is possibly afraid of being hurt again in his own ways.

There are things I’m not understanding about this situation, and about him, and the reasonings behind it don’t and shouldn’t exclusively be about me and blaming myself. The reasons behind his leaving or avoiding me don’t necessarily have to be things that I am doing - things that I have done to upset him or make him angry. I don’t know that until I do. I don’t know that until its made clear to me, and until it is, I shouldn’t assume that the reasonings for his avoidance or the ending of our friendship/relationship is about me.  I need to read over this again. This was a profound journal and I feel it will help me in setting my path forward.

[angeljonghyun]

So i guess here goes my longer ramble about my feelings and thoughts. No need to read it. Feel free to ignore it. The only way for me to feel relief is to post it online in some way and although i know tumblr is such a toxic site its the only space that feels right for it. its probably full of typos and doesnt make any sense, but hey who cares.

So yeah

Lately a lot of things happened, things which im thankful for and things that help me heal, but theyre not big of a help since my emotions are so strong. As some might know im currently in a clinic for relaxation 5 days a week from 10 am-2:30 pm and its pretty tough. Being around people again, experiencing painful moments during acupuncture (they find good spots that make me cry, not even really bc theyre hurting but they just make me feel all my inner pain all at once), feeling uncomfortable around certain people there and not loving all therapists bc theyre way too harsh with their words.

The past weeks have been intense and exhausting.. and since its all about relaxing i had much time to think. I had lots of time to think about jjong. Sadly it never felt like i have space, strength and time to heal properly.

I feel lots of pain,my heart feels so heavy, im bitter and im weak? Im forcing my emotions to stay calm, i hate crying in the clinic, i cant open up properly and just dont want to cry there all the time although i know i should but i just cant.

Jjong is on my mind 24/7 like literally 24/7 hes always there, always was and idk how much longer he will be but i want him to leave. My memories and the emptiness which i feel is too much, its draining me its hurting so freaking much that i cant even put it in words and the bad thing is that no one really understands.

People may know that im sad in a way but i dont think anyone understands my pain completely, obviously not, no one ever knows how one truly feels, but its a devastating feeling. Its a feeling that makes me feel quite lost and lonely, because the only person i always believed would understand my pain was him. He was my safe haven, he was the one who would be there and never judge and just understand.

Its a really sick part of my mind which has still control over this part of my emotions, i cant trust anyone, i always.. ALWAYS feel judged and i always feel like a burden and i never want to talk about my struggles because it only causes so much more chaos or eventually i never feel like the person tries and feel all lonely and unimportant again.

Jjong he was just there.. you know ?

Just his existence caused some kind of comfort for my soul, a place to rest and feel nothing but good things for a bit although even he was hurting me too, but i accepted it bc he was far away and it was ok. He was so far away always and that gave me the chance to create the 'perfect' comfort zone. I didnt know him, he was never here.. i will just pick out parts i need and use them to stay alive.

Its not something good, but i feel like everyone does this stuff with their bias. Some more than others. I did it too much and that shows how weak and hurt my soul is. Instead of working on my problems properly i just fled into the comfort of jjongs existence, one that was so very similar to my mothers, my mother who i have lost in november 2014. winter... buried in december. Winter. The season where I lost the most important person in my life not only once, but twice now.

Jjong was like a mother to me. I cant describe my feelings for him in another way. He protected me from so much evil within myself while i wanted to protect him too at all costs and it feels HORRIBLE to have failed yet another time. It hurts so fucking much that i lost him too. He who was the biggest reason for me not to kill myself after my mom died. He who was the reason why i started eating again after developing an eating disorder. He who caused so much good in my life. He who in some way managed to manipulate me in the best possible way.

In the end it was all me, i know that, but its still the bond i had to jjong. A sick and sad one and the worst part is that i felt ready to let go slowly at the end of last year. I started realizing that i coudlnt be thinking about him all the time anymore. I want to start going to school again after 4 years of nothing but therapy. I would HAVE to let go and create a more healthy relationship. I was so ready. And then he took his own life..

He stole the opportunity from me to change. He left me here. He left me and all my problems still attached to him behind. Hes not here anymore and although i never saw him or heard or felt him in real life it makes such a huge difference to me and at the same time it doesnt. That is one of the most confusing and depressing feelings ive ever felt.

I wanted to see him in 2018.. i had many chances to see him but never one to go with me. I finally had someone to go with... and now im here.. with that opportunity gone. My biggest wish my biggest dream, the ONE thing that kept me alive for so long. Gone... all ive ever wanted was to see him live. And now.. yeah.

Those are all selfish reasons. I know that. If you even read this then no its not all i feel, but of course my feelings towards him are most important to me, its the only feelings i can work on and the only ones i truly feel. My healthy grief is there too. A distanced version of what i personally feel and no other could. But thats not truly what this post is about. Please dont judge.

So now im here and i dont know what to do.

Death has been the worst and most intense trigger in my life forever. I started being so afraid of death as a child that i could not sleep anymore bc i thought i would die. It was a horrible time, therapy followed, fear left for a few years and came back as strong as ever. Its here too now. My fear. Another reason why i am alive now, yet its not strong enough to truly shut my self destructive thoughts up. Ive noticed that around the time of jjongs burial. I was ... so ready to leave. I still feel sympathy and empathy for myself there. Bc my pain is so big. Its truly so immense but no one truly knows or cares much. Maybe my therapist, but i doubt it.

Well im now always thinking about death and jjong being dead and ive said before that these thoughts are really killing me inside. Idk where he is, how he is, how he feels, does he feel? Whats up with him... what happens??? Its so scary. I find zero comfort in the thought of him resting bc where is he? Is he resting? Does he know? Where is the man i love so freaking much? Where is my mom? Is she with him? Are they lonely?

Ive always said

When its about death, i envy religious people. They have something to hold onto. I have nothing but the unknown in my head. Another one of my biggest fears and my loved ones are stuck in there. In the unknown. And im not there and i couldnt say goodbye to either of them.

Im so bitter i envy everyone whose bias is still there and im always thinking why him. Why HIM why another person of My life why someone i love so much why when i was feeling so much better thanks to him why did he have to suffer. Will i lose everyone?

Im afraid to sleep still bc im scared to wake up to news of another loved one gone. The fears and memories, theyre everywhere. I cant escape and i hate it and dont know how to process.

The most important form of jjong to me was and still is the fictional one, although jjong as a distant human being will always be more fictional to me than real. The fictional version which i have created for my own reasons, its still there just like always, its still cheering me up, its sweet its cute and lovely, but still hard to work with bc i always end up thinking about the real jjong.

Now after seeing the pictures of his grave i rather see that image than him as a person. I welcome that. Im glad i saw the pics bc its all more real to me now, im glad i saw the burial video.. although i never wanted it to be filmed or real in the first place. I dont think i would be still as sane as i am atm if i didn’t see this stuff.

I know that im doing quite good.. i should be proud of myself i guess.. but my pain is overshadowing everything else to the point where im completely at loss of every emotion just thinking about jjong not being here anymore.

Knowledge about his passing, own experiences and the whole process, everything. It haunts me.

Its quite a long way to go i think. I always felt so close to him, we were so similar and although he had many flaws i didnt quite like, especially as i was getting more healthy and he was still stuck, i still loved him so much and accepted that. He was getting so much better from and outside point of view and maybe that was the reason why he finally found strength to leave and its such a sad thing to think about, but i cant really change a thing anymore.

Sadly. Yeah ..

At the end of this i just want to say. Please just care, be there and if a depressed person in your life gets better please pay special attention bc it might be their chance to end it all. I dont want people to die bc of that dumb fucking illness anymore and i know its not possible to prevent it completely but well..

Im tired and theres still so much more to say for me but i cant say much more now. My head hurts and i need to get up and do something in order to forget about all of this for a while.

Please stay strong, please dont give up. I promise you one day it will get better, never fully ok, but better.

Im trying my best to find joy in jjong and shinee again, i doubt that i will, but im trying. I wont leave the fandom now, but im not the same anymore. Listening to shinees or jjongs music is impossible, watching videos too. If you feel the same its fine. Just do whats right for you. Im just here feeling happy for the others and hoping that theyre feeling better slooowly each day a little. Just like i hope it to be for everyone else.

If you came till here. Thanks for caring. Please take care of yourself, you are very loved. Life is hard, but not impossible.

Stay strong.

[kpopchangedme]

L’Opéra: Overture [Part I]

The arrival of a man from your past right before the curtain goes up leaves your mysterious music teacher unsettled and spiteful during your big debut.

Protagonists: Im Jaebum - You - Park Jinyoung

Rating: NC-17

Genre: Romance - Drama - Love Triangle - Childhood Friends - 1880s!AU

Words: 4.1k

Lyly’s note: Yes, this is the first complete chapter, but the prologues of the two male protagonists, Jinyoung and Jaebum, are already out. Check them out in the Mini-Masterlist. Enjoy ;)

L’Opéra [Mini Masterlist] 

“NO-NO-NOOO!” You drop on your knees to avoid the decorative flowers flying in your direction. “I said I won’t stand things like this ANYMORE!” Meg and Raoul help you up, dragging you away from the center-stage fury.

“COGLIONE!”

She turns to point at you, blinded by rage, the dramatic hair piece standing on top of her head wobbles dangerously. “How can I sign when that stupida ballerina can’t even stay in her spot!”

You feel Madame Giry’s hand on your shoulder, you know she has your back. For once, the mistake was not yours. You were standing at your exact spot when Carlotta threw her hands back “acting” and hit you. Then she went ballistic for the tenth time since the beginning of the rehearsals. To be fair, you’re not exactly a great dancer, you never had much interest in ballet, so you make a lot of mistakes. If the fault was reproach to you by any other actor you’d assume it to be a sincere misunderstanding, but everybody and their mother knows that Carlotta is simply hysterical.

The chief repetiteur, M. Reyer, holds his temples glaring at her from afar. She’s a lot of work to say the least. The rest of the cast and dancers start to practice amongst themselves, already forgetting about the Italian diva’s anger. It’s a usual spectacle for you, but being the attention of her rage is something new. The maestro excuses himself and his orchestra, explaining they’ll rehearse on their own since they need time to get ready for tomorrow night.

Tomorrow is opening night, the première of a fresher version of the famous Opera house. At least, that’s what they are advertising; M. Firmin and M. André. It’s to make people believe that the new owners have change something. However, all they did was ask about the cost of things and wonder how to make more profits with less of everything. Ever since the tragic death of Joseph Buquet, a chief stagehead, it’s been hard to hold on to the crew and actors, they all leave. The curse of the Opera Ghost they say. Quite a reputation for a legendary Opera House, he’s the reason why they sold it to these business men and they intend to make the most of it.

You wish you could leave too, you think this as you watch Carlotta repeatedly hit a poor extra’s head with her fan. You’d leave if you’d have anywhere else to go to, but at 20 years of age, you’re an unmarried orphan with no name nor fortune. You’re lucky Alice Giry, a life-long friend of your father and in charge of this corps de ballet, remembered him enough to care for you. When Carlotta takes a step in your direction again, Madame Giry pushes you aside to face her in your stance.

“Signora, I think we should practice the aria of Act III.” She hits the floor twice with her cane to catch bystanders’ attention. “I’m sure the cast would be most delighted to hear your rendition of Elissa’s solo…”

People cheer to appease the ire of the soprano, smiling if she can witness their expression, but wincing if she can’t. Everybody who must enjoy Carlotta’s extravagant singing techniques everyday secretly dreads the prospect of her solos.

“AH!” The singer straightens her hair, giving you a last disgusted glance. “If you insist, I must oblige!” She giggles pleased, as though the aggressive turmoil everybody witnessed never was.

She turns to face M. Reyer, waving her hand threateningly to get her cue, when she opens her mouth again there’s an inaudible collective sigh.

___

“This isn’t real” Jaebum tells this to himself over and over, still, panic fills him when he hears the slow footsteps coming closer. The man comes to a stop to his left, finishing his speech. Jaebum hears people’s curious murmurs all over. He wants to recoil with every fiber of his being, but he fights it. He needs to eat tonight, he can’t be punished again. Instead of gripping to his bag, he lets the man rip it from his head, in a theatrical grand gesture.

Instantly, the light of the torches blinds him, making his eyes tear up in pain. The sudden brightness is caustic, painful and mean, Jaebum hates the cruel unforgiving light.

Somewhere to his right, a little girl lets out a strident scream, frightened by the sight of him while the others just gasp in horror. He represses the urge to cover his face and stares at the ground instead, completely frozen, waiting for his eyes to get accustomed to the intense luminosity. This isn’t new to him, he’s used to this. Jaebum knows what comes next. Just wait, a man will be the first one to start to laugh; they usually are the most amused by his show.

When one finally does, Jaebum darts his black eyes on him, wishing he could kill him with his glare. A few ladies around take a step back, afraid, but they know he can’t reach them. After a moment they join in, laughing wickedly, only then does Jaebum start to memorize every trait of their faces, what clothing they are wearing, what society they belong to. They don’t know, because they don’t care about him, but the boy never forgets a face.

“Is it human?” The little girl who screamed earlier hides behind her parents frightened when Jaebum turns her way. She stands on that horrible side, so she had the most impressive show when the man revealed him. She widens her green eyes when she realizes the monster seems to understand her words and points at him, tugging at her mother’s hand for reassurance. She looks around 8 years old, slightly younger than Jaebum, with long blond locks. He furrows his gaze, knowing he will never forget that round peachy perfect face. He mentally adds her to his list.

“Only half…” His guard sucks on his cigar while passing a hat around, accumulating small coins. “Half-human and half-demon.”

Jaebum recoils to the opposite side of the cage when the scary man glances his way, disgusted. He feels his stomach turn, if he’d eaten something that day, he’d definitely throw up at the sheer fear that fills him. He thinks that man is the only true demon in this room. Already, people are looking elsewhere, losing interest. The little girl is gone now, everybody’s moving on to the next show, forgetting they just witnessed the atrocity of Jaebum’s existence. That’s his favourite moment, when he’s allowed to pick up his bag and hide. Alone again, he sits back on the cold ground, clutching the humid cloth around his face. The comfort of the linen on his distorted features is only for a short moment though. He knows better; others will be coming tonight, they always do.

Jaebum wakes up in terror, gripping his soaked sheets. He knew this wasn’t real. The nightmares still come every night, even after over a decade. He lies back, purposefully breathing in and out slowly to calm his heartbeat. When the fear becomes nothing but a dull ache, he gets up to wash his face with cold water.

He’s used to this; Jaebum knows he won’t fall asleep again. He might as well climb out of his hole to survey the rehearsal, see what trouble you’re getting into today. He smiles, appeased.

He’s there, watching, when the lead actress accidentally slaps you across the face. Carlotta Giudicelli, that Italian bitch is on Jaebum’s list. Has been ever since she came to his Opera House to damage his eardrums with her vocal excessive and useless cades. He glares at her from his high perch, hiding in the security of the shadows above the rehearsal. She hates you, he’s almost sure of it, she always makes sure to bother you. He knows she’s not especially kind to others either, but he doesn’t care about them, you’re the only one on his mind.

That’s why he almost loses it when he witnesses the altercation. After that, she goes mad, gets completely crazy and starts yelling at everybody. You have to duck down when she throws something at your head and a male dancer helps you up. Jaebum clenches his fists, no man should touch your arms like that, it doesn’t matter if he means well. You’re not his. He lets pure anger boil his blood. If it usually scares him how powerful and tempting his hatred can get; today it doesn’t, because it’s about you.

Slowly, he gets up and lets it take over, lets it consume him. He observes as Carlotta repeatedly hits a man with her fan, he didn’t do anything, just had the misfortune to be at arm’s reach. She takes a step your way, but Jaebum isn’t looking down anymore. He’s gone, he wants to scare her, she needs to calm down, know her place. He knows what needs to be done for you.

___

“The what?!” Richard Firmin claps a hand over his mouth in horror.

“The moon, monsieur…” The nervous young stagehand grimaces. “It fell on stage during rehearsals, this morning.”

“How is that even possible?” Gilles André, his business partner, yaps at the poor boy. “Weren’t you at your post? Who’s in charge of the set?”

“Me, M. André… It’s just…” He glances at Madame Giry, next to him. “I’m new and I wasn’t there… But, the um- the P-Phantom cut the ropes.” Both owners roll their eyes in perfect unison.

“The Ghost did this…” M. Firmin starts.

“The Phantom did that…” Completes his counterpart. “We’ve been here for a while, we don’t believe in ghosts and we have yet to see this revenant!”

“Messieurs!” The young boy pales even more. “I-I’ve seen it. There is a ghost, he’s very real. He appears from thin air d-dressed in a black cloak and prowls in the shadows above the stage… His face is c-covered by a-”

“Allons, garcon!” Madame Giry interrupts him. “Nobody’s saying that what you saw isn’t real. Messieurs, be careful about what you wish to see. The Opera Ghost is not someone to be taken lightly…”

“Was anyone hurt by the… moon?” M. Firmin waves her concerns away with his hand.

“No, but Carlotta stormed out.” She purses her lips, trying to cover the smile creeping the corner of her mouth. “She said you are amateurs that can’t keep the superstitions of the locals from interfering with her art.”

“Catastrophe!” M. André presses his hands on his cheeks, shocked. “The show is sold out tomorrow night and we lost our prima donna! Should we go after her? Crawl?”

“One of my ballerina can sign like a nightingale, monsieur.”

“A ballerina?! Taking a lead role? Let’s crawl!” M. Firmin nods.

“Who’s the dancer?” M. André asks with interest and when he sees the look on his partner face, he shrugs. “You can’t possibly think of cancelling or crawling, Richard.”

“Mademoiselle y/n, she’s an amazing soprano. If you let her show you, you’ll be more than pleased.” Madame Giry presses on. “She had a rather, well… gifted teacher.”

“Your protégée?” M. Firmin turns back to her, intrigued. “The child of the famous musician?”

“Yes, I’m afraid my adoptive daughter seems to be born to sign rather than dance.”

“Yes… Well, she has been there for the entirety of the preparations…” M. André insists, hopeful.

“Very well then! Let’s hear that voice, bring her to us.” His peer concludes, resigned.

___

Meg is putting stage makeup on your face while you sit in front of the imposing mirror decorating your tiny room. The numerous candles brightly illuminates the room and stretch eerie shadows on the walls around.

“Still, it feels like she’ll storm back just in time for the show.” You tuck at a strand of your hair and your best friend slaps your wrist.

“Stop messing with my work of art!” She smiles but her voice is firm, her tone commanding like her mother’s. “I don’t think they’d let her after she ran out like that!” She plucks her lips for you to do the same and paints bit of rouge on them. “Mom says that the messieurs didn’t know what to do when they heard… They panicked until she mentioned you could do it.” You bite the interior of your cheek, can you? “I didn’t know you could sing like that, you’re amazing y/n” Meg’s praise sounds more like a reproach for hiding it from her.

“Thank you. I’m very nervous, although…” You clutch the sheer fabric of your petticoat between your fingers. “I-I’ve been practicing for a while… Meg, I don’t know if I’ll be able to do this!”  Only 5 hours are left before the curtains open.

“Of course!” Meg powders your neck and chest for the tenth time, while she leans in, her gorgeous features catch the light. You’ve always been secretly jealous of her appearance, she’s everything a ballerina ought to be; petite and dainty. Everything a man ought to desire. You, on the other hand… “You definitely found your field, you’re way better at that than dancing!” She laughs, the sound pure and melodious. “Everybody was amazed by your abilities at rehearsals today. Tell me, who’s teaching you?”

“But… About Carlotta… Do you think she’ll be mad at me?” You avoid answering and watch her shrug as she works her own hair into a tight practical bun.

“Probably, I mean…” She winces. “Mom says she did it to make the new owners crawl, but they refused to cancel. She wanted to feel irreplaceable and yet, here you are, filling her shoes after just a day! But y/n…” Meg grabs your hands, earnestly. “Does her sentiment really matter if you can be out there? Center stage?”

You turn your head to look at the many flowers already piling on your small bed and desks. Meg is right. This is what you always secretly wished for.

___

“I-I’m so sorry, Vicomte…” At the apology, one of his eyebrow raises in curiosity. “La Carlotta is not here…” He eyes the young maiden in front of him like she’s speaking a foreign language.

“How is that possible?” He takes a step back to look around the dim lit stone corridor and back at the many roses he’s holding in his hand. He just wanted to visit the lead actress and tell her he’s looking forward to having dinner together afterwards. “I was told this is her dressing room, isn’t she getting ready?” He reaches in his pocket for his watch to get the time. Only an hour to go before the show. A terrible thought sprouts in Jinyoung’s mind. What have those two business fools done to his Opera? Lost his Prima Donna? His gaze widens and the young dancer he stopped to ask questions looks at her feet, nervous.

“Um- She left yesterday, monsieur.” When she raises her eyes again, he notices the blush on her cheeks and her moist pink lips. She’s beautiful, gorgeous in a more-than-perfect kind of way. Jinyoung gulps, unfortunately he doesn’t have time to flirt with a ballerina.

“Wait-” He shakes his head in disbelief. “The first Act starts in less than an hour and we don’t have a lead actress?” A pure disaster, he knew those gentlemen were ticking bombs when he accepted to become the new mécène of the Opera.

“Oh! We have an Elissa.” The girl seems taken aback by his casting question, she glances at the roses in his hand, intrigued. “I thought you were just looking for Carlotta…”

“Who’s playing her?” Jinyoung’s jaw drops, how could they have already replaced a lead soprano?

“Y/n Daae, a ballerina.” She lifts her head and smiles proudly, nearly taking his breath away. “My best friend, we danced for years together. Are those flowers for her?” Jinyoung stares for a long second, his head completely blank.

“Yes…” He breathes out. Y/n, it can’t be you. Jinyoung searched everywhere when he got back home after that. “Y/n you say? A singer?” He shakes his head. You couldn’t possibly have been hiding in here, at a mere 15 minutes by feet of his Paris residence. Impossible.

“Yes, she’s part of the corps de ballet but surprised everybody by stepping up for the role. Excuse me, monsieur, I really have to join the dance crew, now.” The girl turns to leave, but Jinyoung grabs her arm to stop her.

“Wait.” She freezes to stare at the Vicomte’s hand on her white skin, but he doesn’t care about how rude he’s being. “Daae … Is she… Maybe related to the famous violinist?”

“His only daughter.” The girl nods and tilts her head in curiosity when the Vicomte’s face drains of blood. “Do you know her?”

“I…” Jinyoung lets his arm fall back, in shock. He clutches to his roses like his life depends on it. “I don’t t-t-think I have the p-pleasure.”

___

40 minutes to go.

You take a deep breath, studying your own reflexion. You don’t look like yourself. Your hair is held back with some curls falling messily on your bare shoulders and perfectly framing your face. Your eyes look twice their usual size, expertly painted by Meg and your rouge lips stand out the most. The shimmering powder she sprinkled all over your cheekbones, neck and chest makes you appear paler, almost ethereal. The dress you are wearing is probably extremely expensive, you toy the fabric between the tip of your fingers. The only thing you hate about it is the corset, but you must admit it makes your breasts and waist look way better. A blush colors your cheeks when you think this. You shake your head to get rid of your discomfort. You were never one to catch a lot of male gazes, but it’s impossible to deny you look very attractive tonight.

Twirling to see the edges of the dress follow you in the mirror, you try to laugh to calm yourself. Is this what you’d look like if you could have married him? Would you wear shimmering gowns and attend rich, impressive dances regularly? Does he? Your smile dies on your lips. It’s not often that you catch yourself thinking about him. You usually don’t let yourself think about this sort of things.

Thinking only makes you dream of a greater life and dreaming always ends up making you even sadder. But what is tonight if not a crazy dream?

“Are you nervous?” The Voice resonates in your tiny room and you jump, taken aback.

“Yes, very.” You bite your lips, tasting the bitterness of your makeup.

“Don’t be. I’ll be there the whole time.” It pauses, hesitating, and you smile before it goes on. “I’m very proud. You’ll be amazing.” You sigh; already feeling a bit more relaxed by your teacher’s presence.

“You’ll be with me the whole time?”  You ask and bring your fists to your hips, frowning while staring at yourself in the mirror. “Do you promise?”

“Yes.” There’s a hint of amusement in the Voice and the corner of your lips curl into a cunning grin. After five years, you’re almost certain it can see you. It often reacts to your grimaces or what you’re doing. “I’m…” When it goes on, there’s a new longing to it. “I’m always with you.”

You smile with all your teeth this time, you wish for it to be true. You truly want your angel to always be with you. Your lips part to confess to this, but you’re stopped by Meg’s entrance.

“Y/n, are you alone?” She whispers excitedly.

“Meg, what are you doing?” You glance around, nervous she might have heard It. “You should be with the ballet; your mom is going to kill you!”

“I know…” She hovers hesitantly between the half-open door behind her and you. “The new patron of the Opera asked to meet you…” You stop breathing, the new benefactor? Is he angry at you for taking over Carlotta’s part? “I really need to go, but can I let him in?” You nod, taking a deep breath before turning to your mirror, too nervous to look directly at the door.

It’s through the glass that you study him as he walks in, he freezes when his eyes find yours. He stands there, expressionless, unaffected and stoic under your gaze and you must hold your desk to stay up on your feet. He’s dressed very elegantly. His black hair pushed back and a crimson bow tie closes his black shirt, contrasting with his porcelain pale skin. You gasp in surprise, but he simply blinks twice before tilting his head to the side to formally greet you.

“Hi, I’m the Vicomte de Chagny, new benefactor of this Opera House. I wanted to come in and congratulate our lead actress before the beginning of Act I.” His tone is cold; an unfamiliar sound contrasting with his all too familiar features. You just stand there, silenced by shock, that precious voice of yours completely gone You’re vaguely wondering how you’re expected to sing tonight if it never returns when he clears his throat.

“Judging by your welcome, I’m assuming you weren’t aware which county the Vicomte becoming your mécène was from.” He smiles, the gesture looking calculated. “How very amusing, I had no idea the daughter of a musical genius was living her life concealed here. It’s an agreeable coincidence really, I believe my late father was a big admirer of yours.”

You gulp at the hidden bitterness in his words; this is how he chooses to act after all this time. You should be careful, aware of ranks and places.  Still, against better judgement, when you open your mouth, you address him the way you would have 5 years ago.

“I see you’re still a little child, Jinyoung.”

___

You’re phenomenal, he can’t keep from smiling. He’s unsurprised by your triumph tonight, he never expected anything less from you. Still, you’re captivating him. His gaze follows you on stage, hypnotized by your everything. He watches the glitters on your skin catch the light, listen to your voice in wonder and studies the fluidity of your movements.

Tonight, Jaebum’s filled with pride. He can’t think of a happier moment in his drab life than seeing you shine like this. Shine for both of you.

His eyes flicker to the blackness of Box 5, emotions switching abruptly. He’s supposed to be sitting there, comfortably enjoying his show, but instead he sits in his usual spot above the stage. The previous owner of the Opera always left this box empty, at his demand. The new ones though, ignored his letters. It means that Jaebum will have to make sure his legend precedes him, enough for them to do as they’re told by fear of reprisals.

He saw who took his Box, he clenches his jaw, angry; that arrogant new benefactor. Benefactor, he always hated that term. Being born in a high ranked family automatically makes you a good person for spending money you haven’t gained yourself. How tasteless.

Momentarily forgetting about the Opéra, he glares at the dark Box. Who’s that man? There was once a time when Jaebum couldn’t care less about who financed his Theater. Today, however, he finds himself overflown with unhealthy curiosity. He was there when that man interrupted your conversation, hiding behind the one-way mirror in your room. He saw your expression and heard everything, but he still can’t understand what happened.

After you talked back to him, the man left claiming you needed to get ready to go on-stage. He didn’t even leave his roses behind. Jaebum’s eyes narrow. Who does that conceited aristocrat prick think he is? Barging inside your dressing room and disrupting you before your big performance. Even worse, the encounter was wholly inappropriate. Meeting a lady alone in her room is not something a gentleman should be doing, and the stupid blond ballerina left so fast that there was no one to chaperon. What if someone saw him leaving and got bad ideas. He suddenly pales; what if that’s exactly what this disgusting Vicomte was there for? Without really meaning to, he growls under his breath. It wouldn’t be the first time a mécène tries to get intimate with a lead actress. Jaebum won’t allow it, ever.

This Jinyoung embodies everything he isn’t, and he already vehemently hates him for it. He’s rich, lavish, handsome, sheltered…

But worst of all, he seems to belong to your past. You shared something and perhaps he knows a part of you that Jaebum doesn’t.

His eyes dart down to the stage again, he observes you for a long minute.

No, Jaebum won’t allow this man in your life, ever.

L’Opéra [Mini Masterlist] 

[fairycosmos]

hello mutual ~ im am a baby so i will stay anon but you are the one person here that i think will help. I did the thing i thought was right, but it was stupid. i confessed to smoking and now im “banned” and grounded for a few weeks. weed just helps so much, with my anxiety and irritibality and it was a really good crutch because im at a point where i dont enjoy much (as in i cant find anything to make me happy 🙃) im just really fucking sad and obviously regretful but i feel like such an idiot

hey man, don’t say that. you’re not an idiot just for trying to cope, and you’re obviously still very young so you’re going to do things that you regret - it’s how you mature. beating yourself up about it now isn’t going to change anything, and it’s not going to make the situation any better. doing what you think is right and then having it turn out wrong is literally one of the most inevitable things ever, and it’s going to happen over n over again as you grow up. tbh i totally get where you’re coming from because i started smoking when i was 14 and it helped with my anxiety and stuff but at the same time i’d really really recommend waiting until you’re a little older before you do it regularly. weed isn’t exactly a harmful drug in most cases, but your brain is still developing and in the long run it’s going to make your anxiety worse + stop you from reaching your full potential. that’s what it did for me n a lot of people i know who started smoking heavily when they were young - it’s simply not worth it. you don’t need it right now, especially when there are so many others ways to find that sort of outlet. finding what works best for you and what calms you down might take a little while, but there are so many different things you can look into/try out. your anxiety isn’t some sort of monster, it’s something that can be controlled. i get that you feel like you only have one option, but just because you feel that way doesn’t mean it’s true. your anxiety is clouding your perception of everything, and making you believe things that aren’t based in rationality/reality. and honestly, i understand that it’s shitty to have your parents be so disappointed in you, but they’re not going to hold it against you forever. this is something that you’re going to be able to move past, something that is ultimately quite manageable. if you feel comfortable with telling your parents about your anxiety, even if you think they don’t want to hear it, then i’d really recommend doing so. at the end of the day they care about you, and you genuinely don’t have to fight this alone (tho obviously if they’re abusive or something i can’t recommend that, but if not just know that it’s okay to tell them how you’re feeling, you have a right to ask for help if you need it.) you don’t need to hide what you’re going through from them, you can talk to them - they’ve been through it themselves, and even though it might feel a little awkward it really will make your worries feel a little less intense.

and even if telling them isn’t an option, you’d be surprised to know how many people can relate to exactly what you’re going through right now, and how many resources there are out there that will help you. it sounds like bullshit, but it’s not. you are not a lost cause, and there is no reason for you to give up on yourself. you are a lot younger than you realize, and you don’t need to have it all figured out just yet. i have so much belief in you, so much certainty in your ability to do what’s best for your own mindset. when it comes down to it, if you actively seek ways to make your mental health a priority in your life, then you will notice positive results in time. whether it’s by talking to a school counselor, or making an appointment with your actual doctor - either one is a really solid place to start. they’ll be able to offer some better coping techniques and tips on how to manage it when it’s all too much. yeah, it’s a process. and yes, it can be scary and odd to think about talking to someone and drawing attention to yourself/your anxiety, but you have to to know on a really deep and fundamental level that it’s going to improve the quality of your life eventually. force yourself to care about what happens to you, look out for yourself as much as you can. remember, anxiety is an actual disorder and in a lot of cases it needs real medical attention in order to overcome, you know? if it’s seriously impacting your life and your overall happiness, then you DO have the control to reach out, even if your mind is telling you that you’re powerless and weak. you need to take your mental health as seriously as you take your physical health, because it’s really just as important. i get that all of this is a lot easier said than done, dude. and i’m not i’m not saying that you have to make any big decisions right now - fighting this is going to take time and effort and some days it may feel like you’re losing the battle, but as long as you are trying then you are doing more than enough. you are going to be alright. i’m not gna put any more pressure on you to talk to someone, but i hope you know that the option is there and that it won’t be anywhere near as bad as you’re expecting it to be. don’t write the idea off before you’ve even tried it, because it’s really one of the best alternatives to smoking/unhealthy coping mechanisms. you need to find the root causes of why you feel the way that you do before you can truly face it, you know? but whatever you decide, try to remember that you are dealing with something that is very very painful and hard, and that the fact that you are getting up each day and attempting to do the right thing is an achievement in itself. every day is a new opportunity to change something for the better, and to try again. the way that you’re feeling right now is a lot less permanent than it feels, i promise. each negative thought and emotion you have is temporary, and it has no baring on reality unless you say that it does. i’ll leave a few links that might be able to help when you feel an anxiety bout/attack coming on, check them out if you have the time. i’m always here if you need to talk lil angel, n i hope you find some peace of mind soon, and that you figure things out w your parents. hmu if you need a friend :)

https://www.calmclinic.com/anxiety/management

https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/finding-cloud9/201308/5-quick-tips-reduce-stress-and-stop-anxiety

https://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/emotional-health/ten-ways-to-cope-with-anxiety

http://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-tips/stop-anxiety-attacks.shtml

http://bigthink.com/21st-century-spirituality/wired-for-anxiety

https://www.everydayhealth.com/anxiety/how-to-handle-panic-attacks.aspx

https://www.healthyplace.com/other-info/mental-health-newsletter/are-you-afraid-to-ask-for-mental-health-help/

https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2012/04/06/too-anxious-to-get-help-for-my-anxiety/

[rqs902]

.

more random thoughts as i finish season 2....

some of my favorite moments are when the kids are cheering each other on, its the cutest thing!!! 

he yifan and zuo qibo fanboy screaming over liu ye’s rap in ‘boy in luv’ and yu gengyin and cai xukun’s relay chanting “jin ming!” “jia you!’ and ofc “dai jing” “yao na ka!!!!!” hahahahhaha i love their friendship and i love silly gengyin!!! literally even when getting off the car this ep he was so silly and when he was about to go on stage and he was like aight kids i got this, i love seeing him being less stressed ahhhh

OOF THEY LABELED IT AGAIN 

awww HE WONNNNNNN!!!!!!!!!!!! AHHHHH when it got announced, i literally clutched my chest and was like ‘my childdddddddddd’ aaaaaahhhhhhhhhh honestly i wasnt gonna be surprised if zuo qibo won this round but IM SO PROUD OF XIAO YU awwwwww he did so well!!!! he like worked really hard to give off a mischievous/ bad boy aura and i think it was such a refreshing and well-executed change for him that it left a strong impression c: whereas qibo is normally already very flower boy / nice guy so i dont think it was as impactful for him to continue playing a role he already embodies normally, altho he was very good-looking on this stage!! but gengyin really went out of his way to try to act cool and carry himself with that kind of aura of handsomeness / arrogance that he’s not really used to portraying and im super proud of him for pulling it off :’) continuously saying ‘我不夠壞’ hahhahhaa but similar to in the sakura stage where he was commended for his powerful stage presence, he’s continuing to build on his new improvements and im super happy he’s still riding on this high c: last ep ‘on rainy days’ i was thriving on hearing his voice smooth over those high notes and this ep’s song wasnt as lyrical, but he still managed to get some vocalizations in and im loving all this extra camera time and focus on his eye smiles. watching gengyin just smile and seeing his eyes crinkle up just makes me so happy inside c: oh! and then when he walks back into the waiting room and hes like “yaayy 努力沒有白費 yaaaaayy!!!!!” im just ooof my heart im so happy for him :’) 

also i gotta say, huadi’s attitude towards liuye is kinda scary? I know theyre all being competitive and thats the nature of this show but like liu ye kept telling him to back off basically (and not even for his own sake, but bc he knew huadi’s dancing intensity was negatively affecting jin ming and also the cohesiveness of their group overall) and huadi was still like ‘i need to show myself off so i can win’ and i felt like his attitude was off, like ‘obviously im the best, thanks’ which later became ‘i cant believe i lost, what did he do better’ whereas liu ye was also very confident but to me he came off as less intense and more calm. like ‘i know im the best, so you can go ahead and try to upstage me, but ill just do my best on my end and quietly watch you sabotage yourself’ at least thats how i perceived it .-. but idk yea i enjoyed watching liu ye more and it felt like huadi was trying too hard. but i am glad that huadi and muti resolved their issues last ep 

daidai’s stage presence during ‘overdose’ tho? he was really handsome!!! i dont normally react much to daidai’s performances but idk this time i really noticed him in contrast to jeffrey and yongju. i think he just seemed more confident than usual and all the little smiles helped. his hair flipping reminded me of muti and his sass LOL 

its really interesting to see cai xukun’s progression through this show and how everyone around him reacts as he goes through this growth process. i would say he wasnt given an absurdly greater amount of screentime but you can tell hes been building up credibility and holds a strong rank among the rest. i would say its not realllyy until the last few eps of season 2 that he pulls ahead of the rest by a significant amount. i was always thinking wu muti was a strong competitor to him but after seeing them and he yifan’s stage, it was pretty clear to me that cxk had successfully exceeded everyone else and ascended to his own level. watching the process through which he gradually builds his now-signature stage presence and now-signature voice is really fascinating and near the end of the season, he already can overshadow everyone else. it seems like huadi is very vocal about how handsome kun has become on stage, yifan doesnt hesitate to admit how good kun is, and gengyin has already admitted early on that they all should learn from kun. zuo qibo is also quick to commend kun but then it seems like muti avoids it? i can kinda guess he might be a bit jealous bc hes always been complimented and lauded on stage but then after he lost so significantly to cxk, im guessing that would be a blow to him. on the show, cxk and wmt both seem very very eager to promote themselves and are very willing to fight for opportunities that they each deem best for themselves. unlike some of the other kids who are more willing to work for the team as a whole more. not that the two of them are bad at teamwork, but i think they definitely arent afraid to demonstrate that they want to stand out and i think thats important in this industry and likely part of how cxk got so ahead. its just interesting to compare this cxk to the cxk on idol producer who knew at that point that he didnt need to fight to stand out because he already did, and he tried so hard to help the other kids around him. 

i feel like i should redo my current ranking list, but i guess with the kids who are on the show this time? (minus the s2 kids, bc lets face it, theyd be at the very bottom anyway) rn its mostly tiered like 1, then 2-7, then 8-10. i appreciate liu ye being a good teacher and leader and the way he yifan seems to be able to joke around with everyone and keep their spirits up. muti’s fireiness kinda scared me in the last few eps but i appreciate that he was mature enough to talk it out with huadi and admit he had been too stressed/riled up lately.

gengyin 

muti 

liu ye

cai xukun

he yifan 

zuo qibo

zhao pinlin (gosh im sad hes so injured) 

dai jingyao

huadi 

yongju

HAHAHAHHA THE PART WHERE ZFZ CHALLENGES THEM TO AN AB BATTLE AND YGY STEPS UP AND EVERYONES IN SHOCK BUT HE JUST RUNS DOWN THE LINE TO PUSH DAIDAI TO THE FRONT HAHAHAHHAHAHAHA i love a true silly boy 

its just so interesting bc the latter half of this season (after ygy gets nominated for elimination i guess) feels like they enjoy giving ygy camera time and attention and esp ep 8 onward hes gotten so much positive feedback ive just been amazed and so happy. and now at the end... you can tell hes really pushing himself bc hes seen that he can do well and that if he really goes above and beyond he really does have a good chance, and seeing his confidence go up with each stage that he performs well is really gratifying and im so proud of him, seeing how determined and driven he is. i just find it funny how confident he is about rap all of a sudden HAHHAHA i mean he did do very well rapping during the sakura stage and the judges did compliment him a lot for it so i cant blame him. 

omgosh the part where the teacher tells muti that he’s already lost to cxk bc cxk got picked during the first round and he hasnt yet....... oof if this is how they talk to him and they keep comparing him to cxk saying their styles are alike but cxk is better, i can see why he’d have some negative feelings towards the matter. the kid’s literally a child, i dont think this is the right way to motivate him....... liu ye patting his head to comfort a pouting muti aw 

because now its my duty to screenshot every time they label his smile !!! and this one even labels it as his “cute signature smile” ahhhHHHH THEY KNOW 

HAHAHHAHA SO I WAS TALKING TO MY SISTER and she sent us pics of her new boyfriend and i was like lol im still single BUT ive been watching a new show and i have a new bias HAHAHAH and i proceeded to show her pictures of yu gengyin i have saved on my phone HAHAHAHHA and she was like “he looks just like your type” HAHHAHAHAHAHA SHE KNOWSSS but yea i was like ‘LOOK HOW SMILEY HE IS!!!” and she was like “the dog is cuter” AHAHAHAHHAHA but its ok shes used to this. and it just reminded me of the time i showed her the ip PPAP perf with zhengting and she like straight up guessed zhengting was my fav in that perf and i was like LOL YES and she was like hE LOOKS LIKE YOUR TYPE hahahHHAHHAHahahhaAHAHAHAH my type is somewhere along the lines of zhengting and gengyin yes. 

huadi’s never-ending battle of fighting to be seen as more than a dancer... to be continued during afo :(

zuo qibo’s struggle of feeling the pressure of being an old man..... feels bad :(

aw he yifan is really so cute. hes def really improved and really doing well, but i feel like his stage presence could still be stronger. its nice to know that during afo he does really shine stage presence-wise and grows to become more mature, more respected, and a group leader as well. 

man its so nice to see daidai really thriving and confident and owning these stages because honestly i feel like on the shows ive seen him in since, including produce camp, hes given me the impression of someone whos lost his confidence and doesnt get to show his skills. i really hope he still has this super-idol version of himself in him because he really shines here, and i think it makes him seem even more handsome than just his appearance alone. oof its just hard bc this show really loves him and the judges really love him and hes so well-supported and encouraged and i think it makes a big difference in his confidence level. i feel like on other shows he hasnt been valued nearly as much and its really sad bc the kid just seems so much less confident. 

HAHAHAHA IM SORRY EVEN THO I KNEW IT WAS COMING BC OBVIOUSLY I KNOW THE FINAL LINEUP OF SWIN BUT OMG EVERYONE WAS SOOOOO SURPRISED HE YIFAN MADE IT OVER ZUO QIBO AND IM LAUGHING AHHAHAHHAHAHAH EVERYONE’S LOOK OF ASTONISHMENT IS TOO MUCH AHAHHAHAHA NO ONE HAD FAITH IN HE YIFAN ISTG HAHAHAHHAHA EVEN HE YIFAN HIMSELF IS LIKE WAT HAHAHHAAHHHAAH BUT THEN HIS ADORABLY BRIGHT SMILE IN CONTRAST WITH EVERYONE’S SHOCKED FACES IS ALSO HILARIOUS HAHAHHAHA this situation is just terrible but hilarious at the same time /sigh/ rip zuo qibo im sorry youre old but cant win :( honestly tho i can understand why they picked he yifan bc he does have more to offer the group than qibo :( considering they put daidai in and they already have yongju (and im assuming yu gengyin will be the last one) and even muti and liu ye sing (and i guess pinlin can also be considered a backup lol).... having another lead vocal isnt gonna to contribute much versus he yifan’s low tone rap. he yifan is really a cute little bean tho. oof the way he runs straight into cai xukun’s arms oof friendship

sigh so i guess its after this that yongju gets kicked out bc china (poor kid...) and then at some point daidai leaves and they randomly add in pinlin after he recovers? even tho he wasnt in like half of season 2? lol but i guess he was never eliminated.... so technically that puts him ahead of zuo qibo in terms of next-in-line to be a vocalist? but i guess honestly everyone knows that if pinlin hadnt left the show due to his injury, he wouldve been the main vocal of leo’s group, not zuo qibo. so i guess in a way as long as pinlin recovered in time, he would be considered the best vocalist to add to swin-s. and then they pull some eliminated kids to become swin-e..... going back to watch the “new world” mv is really a trip every single time. i feel like i watched it for the first time after watching ip and literally only recognized cai xukun, and every time after, i recognized a few more kids, after afo, after pdc, and after finishing super idol 1, i finally recognized all of them. but now, after watching season 2, it feels like i finally actually understand why they got picked and i truly appreciate all 6 of them. I think its really amazing to see yu gengyin go from being ranked #1 in the very first audition on the first season, to being so close to getting eliminated in season 2, to being the last one chosen to get a super card at the end of s2, to being a main vocal in “new world”, and truly truly owning that song. i mean besides cai xukun obviously upstaging everyone with his stage presence as usual, but i mean now when i listen to the song (not even watching the mv) and im really paying attention to who’s singing what part, whose voice really gets to shine and gets to dominate the song, its yu gengyin. maybe im biased or maybe its just expected since he is the main vocal, but i guess it just amuses me that i never noticed that before when i watched this mv without knowing him. now i know whose voice it is that is carrying their debut song and it makes it so special. from listening to later swin songs, i feel like zhao pinlin eventually gets himself a much larger cut of the main vocal position (to the point of surpassing gengyin even?), but i mean that is a whole other story, and i think it does flow into zhao pinlin becoming the ultimate main vocal once gengyin leaves. interestingly zuo qibo never does seem to redeem himself from being any more relevant of a vocal within the group, even tho he was def main vocal of leo’s group on s2 after zhao pinlin left... its like as soon as pinlin leaves he’s needed but when pinlin is there, he’s ignored :( gosh as soon as they announced all the winners and qibo wasnt included, his eyes just became so empty you could see his pain. 

but yes this ends my essay about the last few eps of super idol s2. LOLL i just started compiling my thoughts into larger rant posts bc i didnt want my whole dash to be littered with a bunch of small random posts, so i started collecting my thoughts on a draft as i watched and waited until it got unbearably long to post, such as now. but watching super idol 1 & 2 has been really an eye-opening experience. ive learned a lot about these kids and its truly made me appreciate the year long training they had in korea and the many many struggles and setbacks and unique experiences they had. honestly i feel like swin couldve easily been 8 people aka swin-s plus huadi and zuo qibo, because honestly theyre all very skilled and capable at this point, and huadi and zuo qibo are really on a different level from gouhao and zhu yunlong (sorry kids, i still appreciate yall tho!) since they werent on like a majority of season 2, but i guess it really doesnt matter in the very long run bc of what happened to swin anyway. such a sad sad history for them to bear, but i do hope they can all achieve some kind of success in the future, because theyve really suffered and worked so hard. ill look forward to watching old swin clips for the time being, as i wait not-so-patiently for afo2 

ps: random update, i did in fact make a gengyin gif into my phone lock screen HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH i gave in to the feels. but its the hair flip from that one ikon song he won his individual battle for, and its a historic and important moment okay HAHAHAH