#but basically I just think that because I dont recognize my reflection as me

[beetlebomb01]

I feel like I'm only recently actually learning about how I experience dysphoria.

For years before I realized I was trans my reason was that I wasn't dysphoric and didn't have any problem with being a guy, but a lot of that was just not knowing what dysphoria is, despite being in a position that I could've been exposed to what it means much easier than others. Just like many other people I had never heard of dysmorphia and mixed it up with dysphoria, thinking I was perfectly fine with being a guy because I thought I generally looked good.

After watching some trans YouTube videos, I eventually realized that the feeling that the person in the mirror wasn't me was not just that I was "immature" and that I wouldn't grow into it (at first I thought my personality would grow to match my body, but eventually the feeling became the norm and I forgot about it).

I think I've had bits of feeling dysphoric for a while, but I didn't really notice it before my egg cracked, bc I thought it was stress or some other factor. These moments aren't that common though, mostly because I don't have any image of myself in my head, while this is definitely partially aphantasia, it's also because I feel no connection to the "man in the mirror". Looking in the mirror normally feels like looking at a picture of someone else (I still never liked pictures of myself though).

I think that because I have trouble connecting how I look with myself, I don't feel dysphoric that often, since it isn't me that looks like that (and my voice still feels like an improvement on my voice before it dropped because used to hate how my voice sounded "squeaky" and I remember it as sounding kinda like it was constantly cracking). Recently I've started not only playing online games presenting more fem, a lot of this has been in VRChat, which works bc of how common it is for guys to use anime girl avatars, but even with that I still have realized how much my voice *doesn't* represent me, it's still fine talking in person, but actually having an image of my identity for it to be incongruent with has made it actually cause dysphoria.

Ik this is getting long, but the other major example is me actually trying (in private) to see myself more fem irl. Every once in a while I'm home alone for an extended period of time when I plan to shower, this gives me the opportunity to spend a bit before I shower to fuck around with my mom's makeup. It's usually a bit hard to do much since everything also needs to come off before I finish showering (or usually before I start in case someone gets home while I shower). Usually this doesn't do much for seeing myself in my reflection, and my hair also fucks it up, so I usually do it when I wear a hoodie so I can cover everything other than my face up, but since I want to be extremely cautious, I'm limited to what I know I can remove quickly. Recently I did this with some lipstick, and oh my god, after putting my hood up, I felt like I saw a little of myself in my reflection, I could see the girl who usually only shows up every once in a while for a passing moment before I look beyond the eyes of my reflection. I don't remember any other time I've genuinely smiled at my reflection, but seeing her, seeing myself more clear than ever before made it hard not to. I haven't done it again since, but I don't know that I would see myself again if I did, because I know if I had time to sit with it, to look closer than a meter away from the mirror, I would see all the imperfections. I wouldn't see myself, or worse, I would see a version of myself that is so distant it only barely registers as me.

I think it's hard to feel dysphoric, to feel like your image, your body and appearance, shouldn't be yours and hide who you are, when you can't realize that the body you see in the mirror is supposed to be you.

[serejae]

I DONT FEEL LONELY WHEN I SEE HER | SEOK.MATTHEW

WHAT ! - matthew bf thoughts for my menda😇

WHEN ! - (warnings) fluff, kissing, petnames

WHO ! - i get you. ill be completely new to a group but THATTTTT one is my man. ANYWAYS I HOPE YOU ENJOY MENDA BOOKIE SNOOKS😇

! - dating matthew is like a breath of fresh air, he isnt too distanct nor suffocating

! - i think thats mainly based on the fact that he took time to study and know you before he asked you out. by the time it was your 1 month he already (been) knew the temperature you like certain drinks, how much milk is too much in your cereal, and if we wanna be normal, when you need space

! - i feel like the trope that most resonates with matthew to me, is bestfriends brother. him and his sister have such a cute bond that i feel like he’ll recognize some of his sisters friend, but when it was you it was different. he couldnt pull himself away, his sister quickly caught on and realized what he was up to (before helping you both out)

! - matthews favorite parts of his day is definitely the morning and nights time. how he’ll wake up with you in his arms taking some time to admire you before carefully sneaking off and getting ready for the gym. he’ll wait for the clock to go off at a certain time that he memorized to start making your breakfast and drink, cause by the time you get ready and freshen up it’ll be the perfect temperature

! - speaking of gym, i see some people describe matthew as friendly, in which yes he is BUT HE DOESNT HAVE EYES ON ANYOJE BUT YOU. in his mind you guys already have a white fenced house with a dog and 3 kids running around. but i digress, he’ll call you and work out while talking to you because there’s nothing that gets him more pumped than you. if any other person tries to talk or hit on him he’ll act like he cant hear them through his headphones as he speaks to you

! - he loves the night time, because after a long day or you both being tired and stressed at least he knows he can come home to you and relax with you in his arms again. he loves how his day begins with you and ends with you

! - if hes away he’ll definitely buy a stuff animal that reminds him of you before the trip and take photos of it doing the most basic things “look were on a breakfast date:)” captioned to a photo of a breakfast platter with the stuff animal sitting infront of it sitting straight up (he adjusted it making sure ur postures always right)

! - his family loves you, they hear all abour you 24/7. his family knows that when matthew cherishes something he means it. mattthew has a big heart that he doesnt take for granted , he’ll try to bring you over to canada as much as he can to bring you to his family, talk about his childhood town, as well as trying his favorite childhood snacks

! - you dont have many arguments with matthew but when you do, he does get rather defensive wanting to defend himself but after a couple arguments with you he learned that being defensive wouldnt get him anywhere, so he tries to keep his composure. on those days he does slip up, he reflects why and what made you two get here. afterwards he’ll try to start a convo so you both can go back to normal and the way he missed

! - sometimes to matthew he gets tired of the basic ways of showing affection. he loves physical touch yes, but he knows you know he basically latches onto anyone he loves. so he decided to make a new system for you, and just for you. he loves you more than the words i love you, i love you isnt enough to describe his love for you so he tweaks it a little. he’ll say phrases that make your heart flutter

“i wanna be with you in every life time”

“you make me believe in love”

“you make me feel safe”

“you look like the in bloom instrumental”

! - matthew would love to indulge in your interest, could be as adventurous as rock climbing to as calming as bird watching. he never complains. if you like it , he does too

! - he loves to try new things with you. he wants his first to always be with you, if the members invite him to go to a new amusement park he’ll drag you along or go later with you because he knows he’ll constantly be in a state of mind of “yn wouldve liked that”, “i wish yn couldve seen that”

! - please. before there was rizz king matthew, the amount of tries he took on you. you were his first victim at all his flirting attempts. more of them making him look silly than 🫦🫦 but youd never tell him that. for all he knows he is your rizz king❤️

! - everything always relates back to you somehow. if someone asked him what happiness meant to him the conversation will lead back to you. if someone asked him if he knew the technique of how to make the best slime, its still gonna lead back to you

! - yeah sure you’ll have to fight jiwoong and gunwook every so often for your own boyfriend but hes worth the fight right? or at least thats what he constantly tells you 🤨

! - when matthew loves you you know he does, not because he tells you all the time but its the little things he does that remind you “im right here if you need anything”

[oohbuggypie]

super long discussion abt my headcanons for Don's tattoo, as well as Carmen's and Bull's !

WARNING!! these r very headcanon heavy and probably reach-y ideas so if u prefer to stick to canon / r scared of mischaracterization maybe dont read 🩷 also this is SUPER long so im gonna go ahead and put all of this beneath a cut bcuz i don't wanna flood + this is centered around ship talk and i know some ppl don't care 4 that ✝️ pairs discussed are CarDon and BullDon, but emphasis on Carmen and Don bcuz they're mentioned more than once!!

-------------------------------------------------------

kay so i always talk abt Don having a tattoo but ive never clarified WHAT the tattoo is of / what it says . im usually stuck between not knowing what it would be;; a religious image or a religious quote ? a cross felt too basic, but an entire passage of text would just be way too much for Don in my opinion,, i don't think he'd ever want such a huge, obvious amount of black ink on his body forever. i came up with the idea that Don's tat in the Monster Hunter would be COLOSSIANS 3:2, and it felt very fitting ; it's small and fairly easy to hide, but it reflects a great amount of his world perception and his ideologies . and i think that the exact same style of tattoo would fit his regular universe character very well too !

so after some consideration and many MANY dumb questions, i have concluded: i think Don's tattoo would be JOHN 15:9 .

John 15:9 reads: "I have loved you even as the Father has loved me. Remain in my love."

so why that quote ??

Don is a very romantic man :: he holds a very deep love for Carmen and he expresses that in his actions , seeming to dedicate his fights to her and celebrating his victories in her name . not only that, but i think his loving attitude is expressed through his non-romantic actions as well; he shows a considerable amount of respect to his opponents, and he recognizes his own mistakes! he's romantic , respectful , and to an extent - humble . i think that that verse fits him so well because it connects to his romantic personality and religious upbringing. along with being raised religiously, i think Don's parents took extra time to truly teach Don the lesson that love is one of life's most valuable and prominent factors. not only did they teach him to show kindness and respect to his peers, but i think they integrated the idea of finding romance very early in his life. they wanted their son to fall in love with the "right person", and they wanted him to treat his lover with deep devotion and respect. so i think that those two factors ended up melding together as Don grew up; religion reflected love, and his love would reflect his religion. so upon the two merging, i think Don made the decision to get that specific quote as a tattoo as means to reflect his two deepest values, and as a promise to himself that he'd find his true partner one day. so when Don truly did fall in love, he felt an even deeper connection to the tattoo.

Don's canonical partner being Carmen is adorable to me, and this is where the second portion of my headcanon comes in: i think that throughout the course of their relationship, Carmen would recognize the true sentiment that religion holds in Don's life and get a similar tattoo as devotion to her lover ! much like Don, to me, she wouldn't want an obnoxious or obvious tattoo simply because it doesn't fit the way she presents herself. so as a way to match her partner, i think she'd get the exact same kind of tattoo but with a different passage.

i think Carmen would choose ROMANS 1:11 - 12, and the placement would be beneath her right breast.

Romans 1:11 - 12 reads: "I long to see you so that I may impart to you some spiritual gift to make you strong - that is, that you and I may be mutually encouraged by each other's faith."

i think the first part of the text ("I long to see you...") reflects the majority of Don's life where he waited to find his true partner, and how he and Carmen were bound to be together; she just hadn't met him yet. the second part of the quote ("...to make you strong...") is super fitting in the context of the idea that Carmen is Don's main motivation that drive his passions, like bullfighting and boxing. and the final part of the quote solidifies their love for each other - by sharing a tattoo, they share the love behind it and they serve as one another's guide of sorts.

-

as for Don being in a relationship with Bull, i think Bull would have conflicted feelings about getting a tattoo. Don, by no means, thinks that Bull NEEDS to get a tattoo to encapsulate their love ,, it was never a "required" or expected action to be reciprocated and Don understands that very well! both of them have already given each other deeply valuable gifts as ways to express their devotion. however, if Bull were to get a tattoo, i think he'd prioritize it being very small and very private.

to me, Bull's tattoo would be of the Virgin Mary in colored ink, placed on his inner, left thigh.

this is solely my opinion and i def don't expect anyone to agree, but that one is soo special to me . i think Don would have a very strong admiration of the Virgin Mary as an entire concept, and Bull took note of that love. he decided to represent it by choosing an intimate place that practically nobody else would ever see. neither of them see it constantly, but when they do they're reminded of just how deep their love runs . 🥹

OKAY I THINK IM DONE OMGG . this could be worded so much better but it's past midnight and this was literally ripping my brain to shreds all day so i HAD to get it out immediately 😭✝️ thanks 2 anybody that read all this omg i didn't think i was gonna talk THAT much .. srry but Don and religion r just sooooo good paired i HAD to share 🩷 okay goodniiiiiight

[animutate]

please be autistic about picos school in paragraphs!! i need to learn more but i dont wanna do a bunch of research 😞

OK OK. im going to take this as an opportunity to explain it all like im talking to someone who has no idea what it is. big wall of text ahead.

picos school is a 1999 flash game by tom fulp created for and distributed on his website newgrounds.com. it was created as apart of a series of games on newgrounds parodying childrens pc edutainment games of the time, but that part was kind of dropped for pico which is sad because i really enjoy it. pico is also heavily inspired by the columbine highshool massacre as it was released just 3 months after it occurred and like the media surrounding it as well as hate mail newgrounds was getting blaming it and all violent video games for causing real world violence like columbine. before that picos game was originally going to be about whatever this mockup means. shitting outside a church.

also interesting is an email sent to tom prior to the creation of picos school by someone who apparently knew eric harris.

the plot is about a 13 year old goth canonically transfem evil shapeshifting alien wannabe dictator named cassandra along with a group of violence obsessed posers shooting up your school as the first step in taking over the world. you play as pico and its up to you to kill them all and like save the school. its basically about every stereotype or misconception about columbine you can think of kmfdm is even namedropped at the beginning. now that i think about it love conquers all the 2021 april fools version of the game where everyone is gay and cassandra doesnt go through with the shooting and they talk it all out goes with the "one of them was the evil one and one of them was just a follower" narrative unintentionally with hanzou.

theres a lot to be said about the insensitivity of picos school especially with how it used a real recent at the time school shooting for shock value and especially with the character nene which is like a WHOLE other thing im not getting into namely because im not asian so its only really my place to speak on it. but pico is very very bad and calling it "a product of its time" really minimizes any issues it has and you can be a fan and still recognize that there are a lot of problems with it.

picos was really controversial for the time to the point that picos school got one million page views in 1999 which is CRAZY for an independent website in the 1990s. i am of the opinion that the popularity of picos school is what really got newgrounds out there and why its still around today and also why it survived the dot com bubble crash in 2000. but i dont have any evidence for that.

pico to me is really like... a cultural icon of the early internet. he captures the attitude and the feeling of early newgrounds so well its something i really love about him. he is the perfect embodiment of the late 90s angsty teenage computer geek. i also like how open source pico the character feels as in how tom fulp said he is "the peoples character to do whatever you want with". he has a personality and set traits but he really is whatever you want him to be and what people wanted him to be is a cool matrix style angsty teenage assassin and i think thats so fun!!! i love that pico is a reflection of the average newgrounds user at whatever given time. i love pico a lot he means a lot to me as like my biggest special interest going on 4 years hes gotten me through a lot. pico is so special to me despite everything wrong with picos school I DONT CARE.

anyway this is getting long idk where im going with this or if anything i said really makes sense. i just really love talking about picos school i love pico

[shiloh-the-pokemon]

Off-Screen Post

Blue raced through the streets of Cascarrafa as fast as his little legs could run. Shiloh had no trouble keeping up, but being out in public made them nervous. There were glances and stares from what felt like every angle. Shiloh tried to keep to back alleys, but it was hard to do both that and see where Blue was racing too.

Blue stopped for a minute, clearly out of breath, "Hurry up, Cloud! What if I told you its the greatest surprise ever!"

"yeah, can we just-"

Blue was already racing off again before Shiloh could finish.

After a few more minutes, Blue stopped in front of an alleyway. He started jumping in the air.

"Back here back here back here!"

Shiloh walked up to the alley. There was a left turn at the end of the alley. Shiloh walked in, and Blue walked next to them.

"Okay so basically um, before I show you my big surprise I gotta tell you a story."

Blue stepped in front of Shiloh before they could turn the corner. Shiloh sat down, "alright, lets hear it."

Blue could hardly stand still, Shiloh was afraid they would literally start bouncing off the walls with excitement. "Alright alright alright. So basically. There's this big tall building here, and that's where the strongest Pokemon ever go to battle! I think! And I went to battle there too! Because, um, I had a trainer. Two trainers! My first trainer, they gave me to a new trainer. Because they had a different Wooper. So the other Wooper went to my old trainer. I think it was because I was different. And the other Wooper was not blue and not different."

For the first time since Shiloh had met Blue, his giant smile went away. "The new trainer, we went to the tall building to fight the strong Pokemon. And um all his other Pokemon got hurt and couldn't fight. So it was my turn. But then..."

Blue climbed on top of a trash can for dramatic effect, though most of the effect was lost due to how long it took them to get up there. "The strongest Pokemon ever came out! And it had this big giant crown! And it beat me!

"And my new trainer, he got really mad and sad. He was- he was not nice to me. I think because I lost.

"So guess what!" Blue's smile returned, "I ran away from him! And he searched and stuff but he never found me because I'm the sneakiest ever! So that's why I'm gonna prove him wrong and show him I'm the strongest ever, even if I am blue!"

Blue turned the corner. He poked his head out after a moment, "Psst, follow me!"

Shiloh followed him back. Behind the corner was a pile of glistening blue shards. Shiloh could recognize them, Tera shards. Water ones too, by the looks of it.

Blue walked over to the pile, "Tada! My crown! Um, its a work in a progress."

Shiloh walked over, the blue glow reflected in their eyes. It was astounding. "how many of these are there?"

Blue was beaming with pride, "65 glowy blue shards! I'm gonna evolve into a Clodsire, and then I'm gonna have two more feet, and then I'm gonna make a crown just like the strong Pokemon have! And then I'm gonna be so strong! And- and!"

Blue kicked one of the shards out of the pile, "Now I'm gonna have 64 because I'm gonna give my 32nd friend Cloud one!"

"blue, buddy, you dont have to-"

"I wanna! 32 is a special number because its half the number of shards I have now! So if you don't take one then its not a special number and I can't get you all excited for nothing!"

Shiloh picked up the shard and stared at it. It felt cool to the touch, and it reflected their face in its surface. "thank you." Shiloh smirked, "youre definitely gonna be the strongest clodsire ive ever met, i tell ya."

Shiloh was, of course, lying through their teeth. After all, they knew Clodsire of the Elite Four.

...Who they ran from.

"You bet I am! And! I'm gonna have the coolest crown ever!"

The glistening of the Tera shards faded. Shiloh looked up, expecting a cloud to have passed overhead. Instead, they found that the sun was already setting. Had they really spent the whole day in Cascarrafa?

"yknow, crown or not, youre still pretty cool."

"D'ah, thanks Cloud! You're cool too!" Blue yawned, "So what are we gonna do tomorrow?"

Tomorrow. Shiloh would be something else tomorrow. And they couldn't stay here. Shiloh didn't know why, but they felt the urge to keep moving. As if staying in one place too long was dangerous. As if getting comfortable was a bad thing.

As if they shouldn't let people get close to them.

Shiloh looked at Blue and sighed, "sorry bud, but i got somewhere to be. important stuff, yknow?"

Lies.

"What! But we were having so much fun. You'll come back, right? I gotta show you my crown when its done!"

"i-" Shiloh didn't want to make false promises. But Blue was silently pleading with them. Wasn't there a time when Shiloh was also the weird kid? Wasn't there a time where Shiloh needed a friend more than anything?

...Wasn't that time now?

"i'll come back, yeah. i just gotta. figure stuff out. but i promise."

Blue jumped, "Yes! Go do your important stuff, Cloud! And I'm gonna make the greatest crown ever! Its a deal!"

Shiloh nodded, "catch ya on the flip side, blue."

They ran into the streets, getting out of town before night fell. The Tera shard safely stowed in their satchel.

[trekkele]

Hello! I'm the Anon who asked about Bruce being self-aware.

When I said "Also, there's something of a difference between being self-aware about himself and when it comes to his kids." I meant that he says or does super hurtful stuff that he just doesn't seem to think was wrong or reflect upon when it went downhill or realising too late or sb had to spell it out for him.

Examples being:

him reading Dick's diary after taking him in as a ward to figure out what Dick wants instead of just asking, thus creating the Robin suit after Dick's designs (God, it was a Batman or Robin: year one comic book, I'm pretty sure but I don't rememer which),

saying "commendable" instead of just "I'm proud of you" to Damian (basically his "emotional constipation" as a whole, like being unable to understand or even recognize his kids feelings and then failing to say just the most normal praising/comforting/loving things.),

ignoring (or acting as if) when Damian apologizes for direspecting/ignoring previous orders and holds a cute speech about trying to listen now but Bruce just turns around like "Did you say something?",

not telling Dick that Jason is now Robin or that Jason died even though Bruce said he would call Dick (yeah, he was being petty or grief stricken, but still)

Tim's sixteenth birthday "present"

I hate to bring this up but the whole Batarang to the NeckTM situation in UTRH. His resurrected son confronts him and he fails to show a single emotion, instead immediately debating ethics and morals with him.

anything with Jason in future comics where Bruce beats him up and acts like Jason asked for it or that Bruce didn't have a choice but to do that.

bringing Jason back to Ethiopia to the warehouse where he died, so Bruce could maybe find a way to resurrect Damian after Heretic killed him (I think it was Heretic, but maybe it was sb else)

beating up any of his kids for any reason. The most he should do willingly is defend himself with defensive moves only or seeking distance. But not charging in like he wants a fight.

sending only Damian to save Alfred from Bane, which just allowed for Damian to be captured and then having to watch Bane snap Alfred's neck, and then Bruce says to Damian's face "If I had been there, I could have saved him." (Bruce prioritised his own grief over his son's grief and trauma and all that)

Bruce tells Cass she doesn't need a real life and sectret identity, that she only needs a costume and a private batcave and she'd be fine

Bruce instigates a fight where he and Cass get drugged and can communicate about their feelings through fist fighting.

Taking/ Trying to take Robin away from sb for their "own good". I don't mean benching, but full on "You're not Robin anymore, never again." but then folding a few issues later anyway. (It could be seen as very shitty parenting ig)

Like you said, Bruce gets written very inconsistently and I tried not to cherry pick too much of what I wanted to say, so I made this mess of a bulleted list. While a lot of these examples do come from his communication issues, I still wanted to include them anyway because it's taken too far with some writers (can't say "I love you" or hug his kids, although he doesn't have a problem with doing that with Clark or Diana) or he doesn't reflect on those moments or he repeats them over and over again.

I swear I love Bruce, I'm not a hater!!! He's actually my favorite character!!! 😭😭😭

(Making this list really hurt. Just so you know.)

Hey listen, im going to answer these by number* and then probably delete this ask in a few hours because. I hate all of these!! Maybe 3 are in character!! I dont want this terrible Bruce on my blog!!! But also i dont want you to think i asked for clarification and then ignored you so feel free to send another ask when you see this lol. Or if I have once again missed the point.

* because I misunderstood this ask again and also most of these gave me hives lmao and also also I think like 75% could be answered with "we needed someone to mean to [character] and Bruce is convenient el oh el"

Anyways:

1. This one is in character, a little bit, because as much as we understand kids needing privacy now, i can see the way Bruce was raised (Alfred would have absolutely read his diary, that feels very in character for him) and the way Dick was (sneaking out to find Zucco) leading to him panicking and monitoring him as much as possible. That doesnt make it right mind you. The thing is if Dick hacked the bat computer Bruce would probably be proud of him, so not entirely hypocritical.

2. Also possibly in character, because again, thats how Alfred probably spoke to him. Not great, and i think the current Batman and Robin run does a much better job with their relationship, but can be chalked up to bad writing tbh.

3. No this is shitty writing. Sorry it just is!

4. This could be its own post but in summary: decisions made to launch another chracters solo or in order to make a different character look good are ignored. They wanted a Nightwing solo and decided a good launching point would be a big fight between Dick and Bruce. No thanks.

There have also been panels where Dick talks about ignoring Bruce’s calls during that time period, so this could be chalked up to mutual miscommunication if you insist. And i prefer the pre crisis origin for Jaybin, for multiple reasons.

5. I haven��t read this, ive heard of it, and its weird. It feels like point 4, but for Tim. The writers wanted a villain for his birthday comic, Bruce is right there.

6. Nah, Jason fucked around and he found out. He wanted a Batman that kills criminals, he just forgot he was also, now, a murderer and a criminal. Im only half kidding here, but the problem with UTRH is that exactly. Also the fact that Jason spent like six months doing absolutely horrible shit in Gotham, and that like 15 minutes before this showdown Bludhaven was blown up, Bruce has no idea if Dick is alive, and Jason mocks him for possibly losing another son. Also Jason is the one demanding Bruce cross his very personal boundaries here, ethics and morals are a very necessary part of the conversation!!

7. Anything where Bruce beats someone near death or uses lethal force is technically out of character. Jason comics outside of DITF and UTRH do not do enough work to give his actions the context necessary for them to be in character. RHATO #25 Is shit writing.

8. It was heretic, on Talias orders, and that whole storyline is dumb. This does feel in character, because Bruce response to grief has historically been 1 become Batman 2 attempt to commit suicide by cop/criminal so points for that consistency? I really hate this plot tho. Stop killing Bruce's kids!! The man is unstable as it is!!!

9. Out of character. I know it gets used for some god awful reason but it is so out of character unless the writer is willing to give it some serious work to provide context, (or unserious; see; Zur-En-Arrh in Gotham War. It's dumb, but it provides plausible context for Bruce beating his kids ie: it isn't technically him). Barring mind control, rejected.

10. No!! What the fuck!!! Bruce is not sending one of his kids alone against Bane there is an entire comic where he drugs them so that doesn't happen stop that!!!!

As a side note when I read that the first time I understood it as "I should not have sent you in alone because it was a task too big for you, If I had been there to help we could have saved him", but I am an optimist with too much faith in DC.

11. Absolutely bonkers statement from "please let me fire you from robin so you can have a normal life" McGee. Chalking this one up to racism and misunderstanding Bruce's character and that stupid "Bruce Wayne is the mask Hur dur" thing.

12. Ok this one feels in character actually. Somehow. At least they're talking?

13. Also feels in character actually. This one is weird because you'll see those stupid "child soldier" arguments side by side with "how dare Bruce take away Robin!". Pick a side. It's either bad parenting to let Robin exist or it's bad parenting to not let Robin exist, it can't be both!

And since these are comic books, and you need to engage with the genre in good faith or you'll have a miserable time of it, Robin exists! And is allowed to exist! At the same time, as a mentor Bruce has to be able to bench Robin, that is also a function of the mentor/mentee relationship! Basically - Bruce should be able to bench an injured/at risk Robin, but the writing for those scenarios usually wants him as a villain.

Taking away Robin completely only happens to Dick tho, and since it's after he gets shot on the job I do think it's in character.

As for "I tried not to cherry pick" babe please do so!! It's comics!! It's not canon unless you want it to be, and if you want these truly terrible Bruce's to be canon all the power to you! I want to set them on fire tho. And snort WFA like it's cocaine until all this is a bad memory jfc DC screen your writers for daddy issues I am begging you.

[violetreminder]

Salem is a hellhole, and its not even a unique hellhole.

I need to get out of this fucking city. My mother admitted recently that our moving here to Salem was probably the worst thing that happened to my life. Lately this has made me reflect more about just how I really feel about this city, and while I've never liked it, really taking time critically thinking it over more just makes me livid over this dump. While I cant and dont blame this place for *every* bad thing and inconvenience ofc, it cannot be understated how much of a fucking HOLE this city is. All the big employers that arent State work are mostly Caretaking or Medical, and failing that? Well I hope you love serving drinks and/or sliding into sub-mediocrity in any number of dead-end underpaying jobs. Once you get off that dead-end job and want something to do with your night? Well you get your choice of dive bar in which to play pool and hear the same people sing karaoke to the same overplayed country songs every night. Beyond that? Well practically everything that isn't a bar closes by mid-day since this place is packed to the brim with geriatrics, so really you can go do meth and jump off the pedestrian bridge into the Willamette for all the city seems to care. The city is also INCREDIBLY car-centric, which is already bad enough before you actually *drive* on the roads and realize the street grid may as well have been designed by a committee of 4th graders. Blind turns and piss-poor lane management abound. Wanna take a bus instead? Good Luck. To say public transport is underutilized and chronically underfunded is a MASSIVE understatement. Despite living just an hour south of Portland, home to one of the most comprehensive and effective public transport systems in the entire country, Salem only recently started running weekend service for buses after DECADES of not even doing that much (seriously it was 2019 for Saturdays, 2021 for Sundays, a reminder that this is in a CAPITAL CITY). Which stings so hard because in the early 20th century, like many cities of its time, Salem had a functioning and effective electric streetcar system that was totally ditched in favor of carving out these godforsaken roads ans suburbs in the 50s for a deluge of personal automobiles and the aforementioned underfunded buses. Yet more examples of rational and sustainable city planning absolutely destroyed by fossil fuels. Now, a moment of peace, because of course being here for basically my entire life has meant I have met many wonderful friends here. Even someone so filled with impotent rage as I am can take a moment to recognize that there are good things here, usually smaller, subtle delights, but I cant help but see a lot of those happening in spite of this foggy bog, not because of it. I cant help but feel some kind of helplessness typing this out though, because while these complaints are (roughly) valid, theyre far from unique. You can easily find this exact story told in hundreds of cities across America, especially in smaller capitals. The same destruction of public infrastructure, the same awful car-centric design, the same slow death that is living in a geriatric alcoholics paradise. Not to even mention the same homeless problem that plagues not only the entire nation, but the West Coast especially, and in this regard Salem *IS* actually a little more unique. You see not only do we have your standard homeless masses abandoned by the city to be swept into the clutches of religious organizations that just want to put more seats in their pews over actually aiding their community (or into the cold clutches of death if the churches dont like them), but *in addition* when the state closed its mental asylums it just threw the populations of those facilities into the streets of Salem, where they remain to this day weaving in and out of the State Hospital or the State Pen. Man if this had any organization or other ultimate point than "Salem sucks and will drain the life and joy out of you while calling you a bitch" I've lost it by now. I'm just so tired and angry.

[mbti-notes]

I'm an infp ennea 4 (f26) who has trouble meeting people i can connect with. after a while in a friendship i realise we are very different and i dont feel connected to them and never really develop deep feelings for them. it's been like this my whole life. i've only had one friend i truly felt was like me and she was an infp. i've had friends who were istp, entp, intp, esfp, istj, isfj, estp but none of them really 'hit the spot'.. i just feel frustrated and lonely.. any insight on this?

It sounds like this problem arises from maladaptive thinking, specifically, applying the wrong beliefs and values. Here are some questions for reflection:

1) How do you define a "good friend" or "good friendship"? It seems you define a good friend as someone who's exactly like you? Is that a reasonable standard to use? Since everyone out there is an individual, your way of making friends is potentially quite harmful, because you essentially refuse to recognize and appreciate what makes people unique (=Fi fail). How can you connect with people when you don't really see them, let alone appreciate them?

2) Do you understand what the word "relationship" means? A healthy relationship should be a two-way street. However, your attitude seems to be that you only "feel" for people insofar as you can get something from them (such as validation of your identity), with the implication being that you will emotionally discard them as soon as they don't give you what you want. This is egocentrism. How can you form a healthy two-way relationship when you're primarily preoccupied with getting and taking?

3) You claim to be N, so are you capable of visualizing and realizing potential? You look out into the world seeking similarity to yourself, which implies that you have little to no interest in anything that doesn't relate to you, e.g., anything new, different, or unknown. Lack of intellectual curiosity means not being able to see potential, let alone explore it.

Healthy relationships require work. Different people need different things from relationships, and that gap needs to be bridged. Two people have to put out effort to get to know each other and see the potential of expanding oneself through the other, thereby growing together. Are you willing to expand yourself to meet someone else halfway? If you have a very fixed idea of who you are and it makes you blind to your potential for growth and/or uncompromising in your dealings with others, it is a sign of auxiliary development problems (see the Type Dev Guide).

4) Are you in touch with reality? Ns should always have this question in the back of their mind. The fact of the matter is that you can't be BFFs with everyone. Not everyone is "relationship ready". If you hit it off with someone, great, take the relationship as far as it can go. If you don't hit it off with someone, oh well, simply move on to the next opportunity. Where you're going wrong is believing that this is a "bad" thing, something to be frustrated or upset over. Getting mad at reality is basically choosing to throw your energy away, which means having less energy for taking advantage of new possibilities.

You can increase your chances of meeting like-minded people by thinking more systematically about where people like you tend to congregate and targeting those spaces. However, if the reason you don't hit it off with people is actually because of problems #1-3 above, then you've created the problem and the onus is on you to i) correct your faulty beliefs, and ii) improve your relationship skills (see the book recs on the resources page). In short, this means you're the one who isn't "relationship ready", and you'll keep missing out on good opportunities.

5) Are you certain of being INFP? The typical healthy INFP is quite curious and empathetic. They are very willing to engage with people, get to know them well, and genuinely appreciate what makes them special. Because of their ability to see and validate what is good in others, others can't help but like them back and give them the same in return - this creates a strong foundation for the relationship to grow. If this doesn't describe you, you ought to figure out why.

[taromilksnake]

2:04am

fuck it, complaint time:

thoughtless @ my deadname

misgender my friend

after all that, STILL NOT GIVING ME A STRAIGHT ANSWER ABOUT HOW THEY FEEL ABOUT ME

disinterest in my work

disinterest in hearing about my work

disinterest/inability in talking about THEIR work

disinterest in talking about their past

disinterest in expanding past their hometown

weird awkward reassurances without sincere vulnerability

apologizes without clarity

disinterest/inability to follow my line of thought

seemingly ignores my words and actions and just seeks approval (eg feedback on their work)

just—have very little interesting things to say outside of agreeing with me and literally parroting my words

inability to relax and be supportive of my passion in arts

tells me they’re not interested in hearing about my art because it “ruins the experience,” but then having nothing interesting to say about the work anyway!! basically shit at talking about their own thoughts AND hearing mine!!

misreading characters, but also not sticking to their viewpoint

LACKING EMOTIONAL AWARENESS. BRO I DONT KNOW THE POKÉMON AND I CARE LESS BY THE SECOND. JUST TELL ME.

THEY SAY IT HAS EMOTIONAL SIGNIFICANCE AND THEN. DOES NOT ELABORATE FURTHER!!! WTF IS THIS BLUEBALLING BULLSHIT

honestly their last relationship in combination with complacency with their hometown is a red flag. (along with the active disinterest in my art. which like, even acquaintances would express interest in. that’s not a red flag, it’s just a dealbreaker)

ok and like i get being intimidated by my friends but what was all the waffling about meeting my friends about??? and then to say it’s good to know i’m not getting bullied (even jokingly) is pretty insulting tbh. you don’t get to say that while you’re jealous of my friends dude

i hate that they’re apparently like, ‘it’s been 1 month, time to cryptically seek approval while saying nothing concrete about the other person” THE TIMES WEVE MET UP I CAN COUNT ON ONE HAND WHAT ARE YOU ON ABOUT.

honestly i think the problem is they’re insecure so they’re self-centered. like, they’re so worried about my approval that they don’t think about my feelings at all, and they don’t recognize or speak up about where they lose the thread

i honestly still don’t understand why they don’t say anything concrete about me or about art. like, is it the nerves of being in my house? why would you say something is important then not elaborate further. is it that they’re not ready to put in effort w/ their art?

not being able to put aside the intimidation around my art is a dealbreaker. esp if they consider me showing off as “flashy.” that’s just a fundamental difference in values right there. they don’t know how art has saved me and how much work it took (takes) to be proud of my work and unashamed of myself

it’s shitty behavior. it’s not fair to me. they have their reasons but theyre (ALSO) not being a good friend

…the emojis and memes are cringe

it’s kinda telling that they can’t vouch that their friends will act right tbh. like your friend reflect your judgment, and at minimum you need to be on their side

lacking attentiveness. misgendering me on initial meeting (but then misgendering my friend too!!). meeting up at mitsuwa too early w/o checking the time

completely missing the point when i was talking about bi rep. like, RIGHT after me saying i want it done right, for it to represent my experience, they say maybe they’ll casually throw in a bi character in their next work. DUDE that’s just insulting lmfao you didn’t LISTEN TO WHAT I SAID!!!! YOU JUST SAID WHAT YOU THOUGHT WOULD BE CUTE AND CHARMING!!! pisses me off

they could have asked me about my feelings toward my sexuality. or had something more interesting to say about their work so at least when they say they’ll add bi rep it’ll at least MEAN something

i want my degree of passion and emotional expenditure to be reciprocated

i want a hype man, i want to feel supported and for the other person to be excited for me

i want someone to show me they understand what i say, and care about what i say

i want someone confident in their own self enough to actively participate in decision-making

i want someone to see my love not as a threat, or competitor, or reward. i want it to be accepted and reciprocated

i want someone that can support me when i feel insecure in myself. i want to be seen as flawed person, and loved anyway

i want someone who can see facets of myself that i don’t see, and will tell me how much they love me

[maddsmallow]

rambles about my thoughts on dbh under the cut that im not gonna tag bc i dont want people who disagree to come at me lmao

idek how to start this. i think one important thing to point out tho is that, that one post that was like “writing is like the adult version of playing with dolls” totally blew my mind when i first read it and i absolutely apply that to fictional characters. they are just little dolls humans create to reflect ourselves and tell stories and i think that’s absolutely brilliant

okay so anyways. basically it’s pretty obvious that connor is generally the most liked character in the game and like. yes i am part of that group lmao. and i think the reasons for that is because connor has to spend pretty much the whole game trying to figure out who and what he is and/or wants, whereas kara and markus pretty much know immediately--breaking through their programming and becoming deviant happens at like, what, their second or third part? connor has to spend all this time interacting with others and trying to process all this new information, and we get to see him come face to face with all this stuff that contradicts what his programming it telling him, and We Angsty Bitches love that shit lmaooo. it leaves connor’s characterization a little more open-ended, whereas kara and markus are pretty set in who they are, which ties into the “playing with dolls” thing. you can do more with connor without going completely against canon than you can with kara and markus, you have more leeway with his character. also i think he can be seen as like, uh, idk how to word it, autistic-coded? which is def super relatable

but i think kara’s part of the story is totally slept on!!! i mean i didnt appreciate is much at first either, but then i had a conversation with my older brother about it and it completely changed my view on it. he asked me what i thought about the plot twist of alice being an android and i was like eh yeah i saw it coming, i dont feel like it did much for the story, i didnt get the point. (and admittedly i am very awful with seeing the deeper meaning of things until told. it’s something i recognize and am trying to work to get better at) and he said [shortened] “up until the reveal, the message was ‘androids are worthy of consideration, and here is an example of an android going above and beyond to care for this human girl.’ after the reveal it became ‘androids are worthy of consideration, and YOU want them to be safe and live happily.’“ totally blew mind. the story makes you take a step back and confront your biases and potential bigotry--you either have to admit that you think all the effort wasnt worth it because alice was an android and come face to face with your prejudice, or make you admit that all that time and effort was just as worthwhile as if she were human and you do care about androids. and then of course, this is all an allegory for real life bigotry against persecute minority groups. so i just feel like kara’s storyline importance to the game is just so fuckin underappreciated.

markus is the one one i have only a little to say about, and that’s just because the angry violent route is seen as a bad route and like. i get it. violence bad n all, but im also kind of with north. the anger is justified in my opinion. i mean idk if that’s just because im so fucking sick and tired of seeing my trans and queer siblings die by the hands of bigots and seeing my home country becoming overrun with fascists who wont and dont listen to peaceful protests, but idk. the whole “violence is bad wahh” thing feels icky to me. i mean i do think it has the same outcome (depending on how you play connor’s storyline) as a peaceful protest where the US has to recognize that androids are equal people, but still. idk. i think his story presenting that dilemma of peaceful or violence for the right to live is very important tho, especially is this day and age, considering, yknow. yknow.

anyways

also this is hard to explain, and im very worried about being misunderstood or having words put into my mouth, but i think connor and hank are both good as father/son or boyfriends. this literally isnt even an incest think oh my god, i just think that depending on how you view their interactions, both ways of putting them together is great. it’s the “playing with dolls” thing again, just give them the right context and smooching can be great or found family can be great, i love and appreciate both !!

okay thanks for coming to my ted talk i think thats all i wanted to say

edit: OH ONE MORE THING i dont get the love for gavin or rk900. i mean gavin is essentially a huge racist asshole and as far as i know you see rk900 for like 20 seconds. i mean maybe it does fall back into the “playing with dolls” thing where they have so little to their character that it’s easy to just project a bunch of stuff onto them and turn them into whatever you went (like, turning gavin into NOT a huge racist asshole) but idk. it’s not for me personally. u guys have fun tho

ok bye

[hallandthroats]

you were 12 and watching breaking bad??? bro you should have been watching my little pony and phineas and ferb 😭

i was still outside playing & i hadnt lost my last baby tooth yet i should NOT have been at the club. i was primarily watching BB, adventure time, regular show and rooster teeth then BECAUSE I WAS TWELVE. ive always had a fascination with shows/movies/bands in the cultural zeitgeist, i wanted to be IN on conversations with adults who discussed those things. i loved to be an arbiter of fun facts for the media I knew specific people were interested in. i still do this, its like a way that I bond with people. it has evolved only a little bit, but I basically continue to do the same thing. I love sharing interpretations of media w/people because it can be a deep reflection of their own ideologies and worldview. sometimes i still ask people what they feel about skylar white as a litmus test😭

that first watchthrough probably didnt register the way it should've due to being literally 12 years old... but it was a really magical experience becoming aware of literary devices at school by day and then coming home and watching them play out on a screen. I think TV was my gateway into literacy not to be dramatic. shows like Breaking Bad helped me recognize that there was a FRAME. later in high school I'd learn about mise en abyme. My whole life I've struggled with reading. i always joke that I didn't really become literate until recently.. it really was not long ago that I completed a book for the first time and it wasnt just scrambled words, thoughts connected loosely in my head.

bc I had such difficulty reading, television felt a lot more approachable for me. that first watchthrough i was mesmerized by the colors and the cinematography without having the words for it. i had little understanding over plot as a concept. i dont think id been shown a plot chart in school yet. in the next few years i would write my first analytical essay about Steinbeck's The Pearl for 7th grade English. As a class we read Flowers For Algernon, 20,000 Leagues Under The Sea (as punishment), The Hobbit, Shirley Jackson's The Lottery, true classics all for the first time. I was so excited to be learning the archetypes that the modern world was built around. I think a lot of my struggles with literacy before then were rooted in shame, as well as a result of lacking guidance. Authorial intent had become something id just considered for the first time in my life, and it just strengthened my understanding of Breaking Bad. idk it's really corny, but BB has been there throughout these world-altering and horizon-expanding stages of development for me and each time I watched it I would notice new things. it holds a very special place in my stupid little heart

[euphoricfilter]

hi long post anon… again😭

yes “rule” is more so used as “unspoken boundary”

and its a lil concerning anon didn’t pick that up when the explanation is right under that specific quote they picked😭

like have fun but don’t get caught up in thinking that just because you write something that is fiction that your muse is gonna wanna see it

not only is this just to be safe/respectful morally but even legally in terms of copywrite

thats why mainstream authors don’t want people to send them fanfic because the author may accidentally add from the fic subconsciously. Or coincidentally they added it because it was an idea that you two happened to think of at the same time before you ever sent the fic or the author opened your letter/email.

this leaves people to then be able to claim the author stole content whether intentional or not.

but also in terms of morals, it just says that you respect how an author views their relationship with THEIR work by not making your interpretations aware to the author. many authors work hard to establish their worlds/characters and may feel put off if they feel someone has mischaracterized their work or morphed it into something they don’t recognize within the canon of their universe. not to say that the fic isn’t good but essentially you dont come into someone else’s home and tell them how to decorate.

and in terms of real life people, it keeps your muse from seeing how you characterize them which may not be a reflection of their own self-actualization. and again it can mess with how people see themselves. or almost feel like they’re being harassed to reveal something about themselves because fics with certain characterizations are being thrown in their face. like “i know something about you, you should just say it already.”

its not to say that a nonbinary or autistic headcannon isn’t valid but sending it to someone may feel like projection to that very real person.

like jungkook may not take offense to being called nonbinary or trans but if thats not his actual lived experience, then sending him fics or making him aware that you’ve “headcannoned�� him as such would be crossing a line.

its like saying “oh im going to disregard how and what you’ve being willing to share about yourself publicly until you possibly give in and out yourself.”

we saw this with the actor who plays the bisexual boyfriend in Heartstoppers. people -mainly other queer people- couldn’t separate the actor from his role and kept poking him to come out until he actually did. just because the internet was right about him being queer, doesn’t mean they were morally right for pressuring him.

its like receiving a “love” letter from an unreliable narrator in which they detail how you smiled at them once which meant you were “obviously” flirting; when in reality, you -the person who knows your own feelings- only smiled cuz you were just being nice. doesn’t mean you aren’t a lover; it just means that your love hasn’t been extent towards them.

if Jungkook is nonbinary, he’s is for himself; not to reaffirm some preconceived notion Army have. he exists outside our collective thought and doesn’t need fic to convince him of his identity or lack there of.

basically this rule is a “curtesy” that we should extend to ALL people. so unless they ask, don’t show your fanfic to your muse, friends.

ugh i keep ending up long winded😭🤦🏽‍♀️

but this has been fun discourse and hopefully it enlightens someone cuz that what social change is supposed to do💜

thank you for explaining a little deeper, my lovely.

literally i’d go missing and you’d never hear from me again if bts were to read anything i’ve written, it’s not made for them 🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️ my worst nightmare is them perceiving me LMAO

and i think i can speak on behalf of most writers that what we write, either it be bts as gay or anything of the sort, is no way for us as writers to push the boys to come out or feel as though they should identify a certain way. as i’ve reiterated like a million times within the last couple of hours, it’s all a story, not there to project onto anyone in real life. i don’t sit in my bedroom and scheme up ways to force an agenda onto bts, i’m just trying to have a good time and little fun and if i’m doing something wrong then at least i’m aware now and can improve as a person

i’m not saying, as a straight fact any of the members are gay, or that they specifically go by they/them pronouns. if he does identify as anything above then that’s super cool too and he doesn’t owe me or anyone else anything, and that’s fine!! but me writing a non binary jungkook is in no way me saying that is how he should be or is in real life. idk why that point hasn’t come across for some people yet 🏃‍♀️

anyways, thank you again for taking the time to explain!! you definitely deserve a yummy snack after all this, and you’re super cool and very smart!! so thank you for taking the time out of your day to talk about such a kinda weird but very interesting topic with me 🫂

[spikeinthepunch]

talking further in therapy etc about dyscalculia has been interesting- basically realizing more and more what things are hard to do because of it. people want to assume on the surface that its just "math hard" but its not-- if you have ever read a bit more about dyslexia then you would know its more than just struggling to read or spell, right?

dyscalculia is just like that but its less spoken of. numbers look like nonsense symbols i dont think of as nuimeric values, 'mistakes' in easy math like subtraction/addition/etc (or just straight up not processing/solving them), able to grasp math in concept but not able to actually apply the theory, the inability of remembering any formulas, and even poor name and face retrieval.

its interesting when i add those up to various things in my life i never recognized as one of the symptoms. and i think whats extra important is reading the symptoms as "the inability to [thing]". its not like.. oh i can do some math, i cant remember every fomula but i can do some. its like, i literally cannot at all, and this was blatantly clear when i did the testing. just passed over many things bc i couldnt solve it.

didnt mean to write the above so long but what i was going to get to-- i thought a lot about the stuff i struggled to stick with hobby wise in the past. stuff i never caught on to and always felt like it was hard to do for some reason. a lot of it relates to this overall learning disorder, because of reading and listening comprehension. but something i learned that is hard to learn because of dyscalculia is... music. at first glance you wouldnt think about it, unless you have learned a lot of music. but math to some extent is used- in general... numbers are used. thats the thing. most people would think its silly that numbers alone would make it hard to learn but it really clears up my struggle with music.

and THAT is annoying as hell. i sat around for so long wondering why i just couldnt grasp it. complained to my dad who said all kinds of things about how i could learn w/o reading music, or i could learn by ear. but even that doesnt work- i still need to apply numbers to chords and even without sheet music. i struggle to listen by ear because well, listen comp is bad. i have made music, if you have followed me for a while. i have. but oof, if you knew my process you would see how my issues reflect it. i would bring up a key, like D, and pull out a screen shot of all the chords for that key. and then i would just... put notes on the piano roll. but hell if i knew the chords, remembered them, or even work on the music without that picture. i hardly remembered the key i was using the moment i looked away and i have no clue what scale i used if i open up an old song, cant identify it. i just kinda move notes around while staring at a picture.

and yeah, it works. kind of. but the workflow is hell, and the fact is that if i wanted to learn how to do it better, this whole... math disorder, actually makes it harder. you just wouldnt think about it!! i really didnt.

today in therapy discussing those learning issues, the one thing my therapist brought up was how its not uncommon for artists to have learning disabilities or more specifically, dyscalculia actually. art has nothing to do with any of my issues. no reading, no listening, no math. i self taught myself that, and continue to self teach myself, because its the one thing i could learn without any barriers. still, my issues would reflect whenever i did try to take classes- id get annoyed and not take in information, and id just go back to doing it alone.

it sure is weird, and neat, seeing puzzle pieces come together in some way. lots of "oh, thats why!" lately. understanding it is one key though, the other is now trying to solve it completly.

[ibolyafagyi]

no its exactly the "the problem is with me, i just need to do x, i just need to fix myself" basic attitude thats alluring because it gives a feeling of control. but its not a powerful feeling, or a calming feeling of only focusing on what within my control, it spreads into gray zones of controllability (aka stuff that seems like i can control but i cant! like how someone thinks of me etc.) and beyond. outer factors too feel like my personal failure. but especially when its something like an assignment i need to do. even if i dont like it i think i have to find something i like or something thats useful in it because then its within my control and then my efforts are useful. AND then i dont have to face the fact that i need to readjust my basic thoughts about myself that im not even conscious of yet...

im in pain every other weekend because my logical thinking, my conscious, my default habits and thoughts and expectations and need for control havent caught up to what i feel within me, that i dont wanna be at fault, i have self respect, i am a worthy person. its not a matter of being either a good, bad, hardworking, careful, selfish, pretentious or whatever else person, because im all of that.

"the problem is with me" is a desperate feeling for control as it stands in my life. it doesnt even help recognize parts where i could do better because i am stuck with a definition of myself that seems outdated. even tho i scrutinize and look at myself all the time, i construct stories about myself all the time with the hopes of organizing my traits for a betterment plan -- but these stories always build with the same premises about myself. and way too clearly defined and assigned categories of good, bad, hardworking, careful, selfish, pretentious, etc. updating seems to be really slow with me...do i need all this self-reflection? my breakthroughs are really mostly momentarily made big decisions.

its just the need for control.

[fairycosmos]

ms chloe fairycosmos i feel weird sending this ask but also perhaps i need some closure. from this parasocial relationship (lol). i’m a follower of urs who has sent you quite a few asks on and off anon, not a mutual, but we’ve talked enough that you call me by my name. anyway, i think the time has come that i need to unfollow you, and it’s making me really sad. which is wild, because we aren’t even mutuals, this is truly a parasocial relationship. which i thought you might find ironic, considering your disdain for celebrity worship and all that. ever since your sisters passing, i’ve been here, witnessing your grief, and it’s been heartbreaking, and i’ve just longed to do anything to bring you the relief that you so deserve. the posts you make/reblog of the genre of the world being cruel and awful were sad to see, but i just sort of read it through a lens of “hey, that’s what chloe is going through”. but this past winter, i experienced some new acute trauma that has made being alive just an impossibly difficult task, and seeing that type of everything is horrible post just sends me spiralling now; i have no resistance to it. i know on principle you don’t tag negative posts and just kindly request that people unfollow you if they don’t like it, so that’s what’s up, bye, i guess. but it’s hard to me, because i’m so enamoured by you. which is weird, bc parasocial. but also, i just feel for you so deeply. i think you are a genuinely smart person, and incredibly empathetic and kind. you’ve been dealt a shit hand in life, so you haven’t been given opportunities where those skills could be recognized in a way that is valued in our culture, and that’s awful and unfair. i care about you and your well-being. i hope you don’t stop your work of looking for relief, that thread that keeps you going every day, that has kept your reaching out to therapists and trying despite everything to tap into that relief that i know you know is out there. i dont just want to hit you with some “it gets better” platitudes, which to me erase the seriousness of your grief or the immense impacts of socioeconomic inequalities. you have been going through hell, and i guess i just wanted to say i think you’re beautiful and you deserve rest and joy and relief and i hope it finds it’s way to you someday, the sooner the better. i hope this message wasn’t like, too weird. -🌾

such a thoughtful, perceptive and honestly beautiful message immm ❤️ hm. could definitely cry in a good, bittersweet way. i've read it a few times over since you sent it and just let it settle. also no worries at all - this isn't weird! and you know, while obviously everything on here is parasocial interaction to some degree, i don't think that always negates or delegitimizes the connections shared! this really really means a lot to me, it's basically sweeter and more genuine than any of the conversation's i've experienced in real life lmfao like, ever. also i want to say that it's totally fine, and also that i'm really sorry. for whatever happened in the winter that has made things so hard. i also don't want to overwhelm you with "it gets better" platitudes lmfao but i am wishing you so so much healing, even if the process is painstakingly slow. you deserve the world. and if removing triggering content from ur online space even so much as nudges you in that direction, then of course i encourage it. i want you to do anything and everything that you need to do to feel ok and to create manageable, easy days for yourself as you cope and come to terms and grow. everything warm and kind that you see in me is a reflection of you.

i would be happy to tag stuff for you honestly, we could make up a specific tag for you if you like - but i'm also aware that my memory isn't great and some posts may end up slipping through the cracks which could obv potentially send you spiralling and i really don't want that either. if unfollowing is ultimately what you feel you need to do, then that's completely understandable! anyway, thank you so so much ❤️ for sticking with me and believing in me and seeing me so positively even if it is just through my dumb blog lol. i think the idea of our positive traits not being fully realized and recognized due to our circumstances is such an interesting point of view, i've never framed it like that in my head before. i can't really find the words to say exactly what i want to say, other than that is is literally ppl like you who make me think there is a sliver of hope in life, or even any sort of bearable aspect to it at all. i hope all of the energy that you are projecting onto me finds its way back to you, helps you breathe easier when you really need to. you know i know the relief is out there, and so the same must be true for you. i have no doubt that you are going to find it as well, little by little. let's just both keep reaching out for it for now! sending you so much love and gratitude always x

[freak60000]

Whats Revenants story?

ohhhh buckle up. buckle uppp. this ended up being like several lengthy paragraphs long im so sorry

OH MY GOD. okay. so basically

this regular 45 year old human guy presumably named kaleb cross was a renowned assassin that worked for the syndicate right. he was one of the best assassins ever. we dont know how exsctly this happened but one day he DIED (he told a story as to how he died, but that was later confirmed to be a fib) and that was very bad because the syndicate needed him to kill people (the syndicate’s intentions are Very questionable btw idk a whole lot about those guys). sooo they took his corpse and began experimenting to preserve his life, and “resurrect” him so they could keep using him. this took a LONG TIME like i think a few decades. until eventually the solution was the ”simulacrum” which is a human mind and conscience uploaded into a robot body. they stored and preserved his brain somewhere so he could continue to thinka nd function and all that. but theres a CATCH to this: he doesnt Know that hes a robot. he thinks hes just some regular guy doing his job and all. some programming makes it so his reflection appears as kaleb cross, in flesh and blood and all that rather than the freaky 7ft tall robot thing he was. and he thought this way for TWO HUNDRED YEARS (estimated 268? i cant remember). he went on to assassinatr people for TWO HUNDRED YEARS all while thinking he was still human. idk i think something in the programming made it seem normal to live that long or whatever. if not then im sure he was really comfused. and they replicated these bodies EXPONENTIALLY. theres like millions of these robot bodies and every time he gets killed he just gets uploaded to a new one, while STILL RETAINING the memory, pain and trauma suffered from the last one, including whatever way he had died. FUCKED UP RIGHT and he lived like this for more than 200 years. until ONE DAYY this guy took up a hit to kill this guy named Marcos Andrade. heavily guarded blah nlah blah he didnt care he KILLED that guy and his wife, but his 9 year old daughter escaped (she is VERY IMPORTANT. she would later grow up to be Loba Andrade who is a character in the roster set for revenge on revenant ^_^). but while he was killing and all that he got a piece of glass stuck through his neck. he saw it in his human reflection and pulled it out and LO AND BEHOLD his reflection glitched and he saw what he Actually was for all those years. overwhelmed with rage this mf set out to kill every last hammond robotics (the people who made him) employee and more, turning on them because thats what they had been using him for. and yeah hes been doing that ever since. he joined the games to get himself closer to the syndicate and hammond and to just “satiate his endless bloodlust” apparently. ok girl!

this part is explaining what has happened since joining the games and whats currently happened to the best of my ability. so loba right. he immediateky recognized her when she joined. she unsuccessfully tried to kill him for good, by locating his brain (the only way to Truly Kill Him besides the source code which i think are the same thing? i think???) but triggered a security protocol that made everything crumble. they ”teamed up” to find the source code again because tbh, revenant wanted OUTTT. at this point hes been living for 314 (correct me if im wrong) years in a body he HATES so tbh he wanted TO DIEEEEE. REALLY BAD. and this conflicted loba because she wanted him to pay and suffer for what he did. so she decided she was gonna send his source code away and Force him to live a forever life he didnt want to (IM SO PROUD OF HER). so he sought to kill everything Else she loved and make Her suffer which is what hes doing now. loba had a crush on bangalore but after rejection is rebounding to valkyrie, both of which revenant is toying with to make loba suffer. revenant says love LOSES. he also has beef with every single woman on the roster i think thats really funny

also theres ash who is another, newer simulacrum (who has vastly different programming that im not getting into), and after she ”woke up” and realized what she was, revenant tried to like. kill her? i think? to save her from that fate he suffered? but it didnt work LOL. and now they are like bickering siblings theyre so funny. they hate eachother so bad. he hates all the legends but takes interest in the ones he can toy with. example pathfinder, who is really really nice to him despite revenant being really really mean to him but pathfinder Insists on including and being his friend to the point revenant just finds it annoying and mildly entertaining. hes threatened to kill him but hasnt because it ”wouldnt be any fun”. love wins

he also has cool dark evil powers for some reason but we dont know where he got them (a writer said it would be explained via a future legend, but that hasnt happened and its been almost three years). also in another dimension he is king of the world. sooo

if you read this far i owe you money. i lovr you so much