#but at the same time id rather die
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I keep feeling this yearning lately, this tight feeling inside me all the time esp when I'm trying to sleep, an intense sad feeling that nothing I do makes better and I think I'm just yearning for comfort. for someone to talk to me and touch me and look after me a bit. it's just been so long, and I've never let myself experience.. actually can't remember a single time in my life I've let myself experience being comforted lol. every time someone tries I get so tense and anxious and I have to get out of it
#ed mumbles#im running out of ways to deal with it#cutting isnt helping like it used to#drugs are currently making it worse#pet cuddles arent working#baking isnt working i just feel numb after#i need more ambien lol#cause i cant get past that aversion and even if i could#i don't know. theres too many barriers#there have been times#like as a kid crying.. but my mum always ignored me or told me to stop playing dumb#tried once as a teen and she just rolled her eyes and said shes sick of teenage girls#when i tried with my dad he left suddenly while i was talking#HE ASKED ME TO TALK TO HIM ABOHT IT#he left bc i was talking too much and not letting Him talk#a few times cried in school but i just sat there crying and nobody noticed#then i stopped being able to cry#idk man#i just need a hug and for someone to make me tea and be close to me#but at the same time id rather die
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😦
#walks out of the swedish class with a thousand yard stare#ill be honest kitten daddys about to kill himself#and it IS this swedish course's fault#its mandatory for all studies... and it makes me wanna die so bad i hateeee it i dont understand anythingggggg#the teacher says all the instructions in swedish and half the time i dont even understand what im missing so i cant ask her to clarify#not that id like to anyway since everybody else seems to be getting by just fine#this is torture id rather pull off my fingernails than go back and its. until christmas. so the sufferings not really even begun yet#and the worst part is ill probably fail anyway so itll all be for nothing#but at the same time ive already suffered for a few weeks so i dont wanna just drop it and do it later yk??#life is agony i take back everything i said about being a career student i HATE academy i HATE learning i HATE studying#my post#nothing makes me despair like swedish class#actual misery like i never feel elsewhere
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Also I think I'm literally allergic to my tears lmaoo
Apparently other people don't get rashes where their tears fall? Like not like irritated skin from wiping, I mean like it drips on your neck and your neck gets red
And like other people don't feel like the salinity of their tears is burning their skin?? Wild WHEGEGEGGD
#me in the middle of sobbing as mom makes this realization: SEE GOD DOES HATE ME! 😩#mom: for fucks sake... NO you are just allergic to everything#me: WHO MADE ME THIS WAYYYYY#god bless her bc she's trying so hard but whenever we have debates ab shit i die on the hill AGDGGDDGGD#today's was that if i die id rather it NOT be bc the rapture happened bc i wanna be able to like haunt people#and obviously you cant do that if EVERYONE is in heaven at the same time like if i do that to the 'sinners' left on earth am i not the same#as satan? torturing people already in pain??#and she was like 'you're really killing me here you know that' like 😑 AGAGSGSGSG#anyways im so tired of crying man#marquilla
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if i had an allergic reaction again will my friend appear to hold my hand again if i get really drunk again will they carry me home if i'm too sick to get up will she call me at 5 AM to check up again if we've missed a flight and we're stuck in city we weren't meant to be in at 2AM will he tell me about philosophy again if i make bad decisions will she almost slap me in the face and hand me a cigarette again if i feel lost will she share shitty kebab and tell me about her life again will we get to play poker together again
#will he text me for advice about girls again#will she let me walk her home and tell me about her love life again#will she bleach my hair again will she cut my hair again will he teach me about jets and airplanes and the armories in his school again#will she tell me about the bell jar will she write music about me will they braid my hair in a hot summer again#will he walk next to me and tell me about how he wants to become an art curator? will he almost fall into a canal?#will she tell me to bite on a menthol cigarette again#will i get to see them smile again#i know we grow around memories and you never get over a person you lost really you just grow into and around the space they left behind#but theres just a lot of space#will i ever be big enough for everyone i ever loved#carrying memoried is so insane like what a monumental task#(id rather die than not carry them at all though maybe that's the same thing twice)#welcome to london paddington . etc etc#my friend cooked for me when i was too overtaken by heartache to do it myself. yesterday she put a blanket on me without me asking#if i lose her one day how will i carry that#idk how we are capable of this but our capacity for loss is so insane#anyway#time to stop grieving in advance#bye time to get off the train
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My mother like "why dont you go to a nutritionist" I'm not paying 100 euros out of pocket to go get scolded like a child by some thin italian equivalent of a former high school mean girl who still thinks carbs are the devil thank you
#idk where those people come from our highschoolers are different. not nicer. different#and yet the adult type is almost exactly the same#'not all nutritionists' like 89% of them tho. and i dont have the time nor money to go looking for the black swan of nutritionists#also in the improbable case someone wants to add something bout how 'but carbs' ill stop you right there#nutritionally speaking i am the most italian#id rather die in a year eating pizza and pasta than attain eternal youth by swearing it all off. so save your breath
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uhm so uhm uhmumhumhmummhm when a guy randomly hugs you what does it mean
#UNI BOY UPDATE ?????????????????????????/#HE MAKES ME WANT TO CRY AND SCREAM AND EXPLODE ALL AT THE SAME TIME#ITS LIKE ?!??!?!??#WEVE NEVER BEEN TOUCHY TO BEGIN WITH WTF DOES THIS MEAN WHY IS HE SO CONFUSING#THIS IS. THE SAME MAN. WHO CALLED ME ANNOYING.#lynn doesnt know whats happening but they will continue to act like everything is ok#bc haha no u think im going to talk to him ab the hug tmr ??? absolutely not id rather die#i hate love#i hate men#i hate uni#im going to drop out istg#he is the only reason why i ever bother going to that shithole anymore istg#💌; lynn rambles !
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knew id break down properly eventually but wasnt planning on doing it on the floor in my mothers bedroom bc i didnt wanna walk the dogs lol
#im never getting a dog <3#its also the fact i was supposed to be going to glasgow today#but couldnt for Covid Reasons#this isafter my birthday got cancelled for the same reasons#(i did still have a good time tho im not complaining abt my birthday)#(i got lovely presents and loads of birthday wishes n i felt rly loved even tho i couldnt go anywhere)#(and then i spent the day watching doctor who eating cake and looking at pictures of ocean liners)#(literally no complaints there)#and yea anyway ive been in the middle of nowhere for ages unable to drive and ive just been rly lonely and kinda bored and aimless#and like my anxiety levels have been INSANE the entire winter#like we are talking fight or flight all day every day for no reason#and like insane insomnia as well#its officially 'chronic' insomnia lol ayyyyy#and yea essentially i couldnt take walking the dogs and i was in bed like. id rather die than have a dog bark at me ever again#and then i walked them anyway but ive cried for HOURS today lol so now my head hurts#but yea it was boundto happen eventually
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coming to the realisation that i can buy whatever i want to look however i want. insane
#but my cd bags havent come yet n i cant buy another thing until they come in the post bcos i prommied myself#n after that i need to get new over-ear headphones#also update the reward points system for making me do things is Not Working so i might ditch it#but also i. dont have a job. so i gotta ration my money. n if i wing it i feel like ill fuck it up#but also like. sigh ok so the plan was that for every task i do i get a euro of spending money. to motivate me to do tasks so i can buy thi#but ive racked up a debt already. oops! so theoretically i need to work that off before i can start saving for someghing new to buy#the thing is tho that my headphones broke n i have earbuds but i NEEEED to have on-ear headphones or ill explode#n im thinking of biting the bullet and buying some proper nice ones#but thats spencey itd take so long to save up for those#n i could theoretically add that to my debt n buy them now but that would render the debt functionally meaningless#bcos if i gotta do 100+ tasks to work off the debt to START saving for shit like a binder#then we're gonna have a problem#this could be mitigated by me getting less expensive headphones n stuff but like w a warranty so that when they inevitably break#i dont gotta vimes boots it and instead i can just get the same headphones again#but thats a lot of electrical waste :(#sigh i COULD ask my mom to get me the nicey headphones as a pre-emptive leaving cert thing#but id say shed rather get me something AFTER the leaving which is like. 20 days. n can i survive that long without overear headphones?#tbh probably. but also my perception is skewed bcos im currently in If I Have Headphones On I Will DIE mode#so shrug ill have to think it thru some other time#aughghghghgh!!!!!1 what if i killed and bit#<- still hasnt started studying for the leaving. at this point i dont think its gonna happen
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i WISH people would stop treating me like a stupid little child for [checks notes] refusing to make my life more miserable for the sake of a 'more comfortable' life under capitalism
#im not going to spend 80% of my day studying for a test that might let me study at a good college and then pick a major that.#i dont even want. or have any interest in. just because its guaranteed there will be work for me AFTER im done studying#sorry but id rather fucking starve to death. id rather die standing.#there are other ways of getting a job that doesnt involve being miserable in college for a looong period of time#also im sick and disabled im already suffering why would i make it worse for myself. i dont deserve it.#does curso profissionalizante means nothing to you#mfs be like oh im just explaining how the world works! no youre explaining me how the harder path with a good guaranteed result works#its not the same thing.
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I would WANT to be a Derse dreamer but I just KNOW my goody-two-shoes ass would be a Prospit bitch 😔
#homestuck#ive been thinking abt homestuck again#like i want to reread it for old times sake#but at the same time i feel like id rather die than do that ykwim#but yeah id definitely be in prospit lmao#every time i take those little classpect quizzes i always seem to get mage of heart#so i think im just a sensitive little baby lmaooo
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something got into me and i started planning out a fic I'll probably never end up writing. what.
#i randomly remembered my silly roadtrip idea so i started mapping out some plot points#but at the same time. the first and last time i wrote a fanfic i was 13 years old. what makes me think ill be able to do it now#also id rather die than submit my writing in english anywhere gsvdjdk#ok that makes me wonder if there are any fics in polish in the hermitcraft tag on ao3#i report back to inform you there are 7 fics in polish. time to make it 8 i guess#szad.txt
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The audacity of my mum to ask if I've tried a new meal yet as if I would ever try a new meal for anything less than the pain of death
#+Extra#i hate trying new foods even if the main components are the same or is made up of things i like that doesnt mean im gonna enjoy the combo#im a very fussy eater and have a lot of texture issues with foods that i dont see why id risk a good thing on something new and#unpredictable also the stress of trying to figure out other options? id rather die no. not doing that imma keep eating the same safe foods#until im sick of the very thought of them i have the same usual order for all of the places we order from and then only changes when they#change that option. devastating every time it happens what the hell am i supposed to eat now? should i starve!? tf man so rude#also its blatantly false that just because you like the components of something you should like them combined like no those flavours and#textures should not go together hate that logic. i need so much reassurance before trying some new food/drink and if its not good?#ultimate betrayal why would you make me sacrifice something i enjoy for something thats no good? do you hate me?#anyway i work in food services so i get a free meal on my breaks so thats why she was asking if i had risked my free meal on#trying something new which obviously i havent. we dont just complusively try new things that arent hobbies in this house
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sometimes im just chillin and then i remember a 12 year old followed me once and they had so much personal info on their acc and it scares the shit out of me🙁
#PLEASE practice internet safety guys#every time someone younger than me ints w me i know a dni wont do anything so i just like#make it my own personal mission to make myself a safe space for them yk#id rather die than let some poor kid on my blog go thru the same stuff as me. does that make sense#for younger ppl here id like u to know that i function as an older sibling too#if anyone is Ever overwhelming u or creeping on u u can dm me any time and ill help take care of u and ur situation#even if weve never spoken i pinky promise to help out always#i love u and i hope u stay safe#💛💛💛#srsposting
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3:47 am
Tosses you Teruya Otori Flor, and (a2) Yuki Maeda Sebastian
#time diary(?)#audrey/kellie's time diary#alnst oc#alien stage oc#sdra2#alnst oc: flor#alnst oc: sebastian#more of a what if au; what if flor DID survive her round. and did have her second round- but escaped at the end#“suspect one another- only for a murder to eventually happen- and then the class trial... i can already see it#do you really want to repeat the same story again? you think i can be persuaded by words just because i was a little bit nice to you?“ /#+ “well- too bad. no one is getting out of this room” / (a2) “id rather d-die then get treated horribly like this...!! let me go!!!”#smth smth. im just having thoughts#maybe this can also help with my Danganronpa/ALNST oc au#flor being the ultimate merchant might honestly explain her character well then being an ultimate clown#Sebastian is so honest to god a common ult. lucky student tbh. should've seen it coming
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"it's easier to leave an abusive situation than it is to stop an abuser" :^( but it's not easy :^(
#repeating patterns repeating patterns repeating patterns repeating patterns#im not unsafe btw just. :^) scared :^)#tired.#starting to stop walking on eggshells kind of. in a cowardly way. like responding some of my real thoughts but at 4am#i want to scream. im not like that but i want to yell and tell her to leave me alone forever and i just want to be able to rest !#and to not be afraid. i want to move. i want to drop off the face of the earth. i want to go to bed. i want to stay awake and on guard.#idk. im tired. im so tired and i want it to stop. it's not even a big deal.#the thinly veiled insults bother me more than anything else. insult sandwich on compliment bread.#im so pretty im so stupid im so funny. im smart im too insecure im beautiful. im the most interesting person she knows im evil im talented#it's not even the worst thing it just pisses me off so much. do you think this is helpful to say? do you think this is normal?#do you think you'll get what you want insulting and belittling me as long as you tell me you think im attractive?#it's always how pretty i am. like some superficial bullshit is going to make up for an insult or make the insult disappear#and everyone else gets to leave but if i leave she'll die and it'll be all my fault and this is just like x y or z#and didnt i know she almost experienced trauma as a child but didnt? and how that effects her?#fuck. i hope she sees this tbh. how fucking insulting to see something someone's experienced and say that couldve maybe happened to me#but the person who couldve done it lives in another country and never came here.#what the fuck. what the fuck.#so it didnt happen to you? you cant lay claim to it at all? yet you think you understand me or that even if it did happen it's all the same#im going to lose my mind. im so. fucking. over it. but im a coward and i dont want her to die so ill grin and bear it.#and she'll tear out all my skin and ask if it's a little too much and ill say it's fine and she'll say im so gorgeous but i'm disgusting#but at least im kind. and ill say okay. because if i say anything else it's a threat on her fucking life.#tbh im only posting this now bc i know no one will likely read it. perpetual coward when it comes to this shit#because if i tell someone the full extent they'll ask why i didn't leave sooner. but i did!#i left and i got bombarded and overwhelmed and i was so tired of being scared of running into her everywhere#and i just. eased back in. and said it would be less this time. and it is so much more. it is so much worse.#ive lived in that fear before and i was so tired of it. it was a big reason i moved so far for college. and i cant just run away#so this seemed better. but it's so much worse. id rather hide every day of my life. keep an eye out everywhere and run away.#it wasnt so bad really. it was tedious and nauseating and i only ever explained it to one person. but it wasnt impossible.#this is much closer to impossible. this is soul crushing every day. and the things she does arent even as bad i dont think#it just doesnt stop. at least in high school i eventually got it to stop. i just had to be avoidant. this. wont stop.
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sometimes i think about the fact that like multiple times now ive tried to write some kind of poetry in the tags of a post and it literally always cuts out the gay part
#if i had a nickel for everytime i saved being gay for the end and it resulted in tumblr cutting me off#id have two nickels#which isnt very many but its weird that it happened twice#anyways part of me wants to post that same kind of dumb shit i write in my notes app at 11pm#but most of me would rather die than ever let that see the light of day#i have been considering making a couple of dreams ive had and written down there into comics though#because that shit got WEIRDLY philosophical#there was a short period of time i kept having dreams about death and what it means to live and finding acceptance in myself#and it was WEIRD AS FUCK#because my dreams literally NEVER have meaning#and theyre back to not meaning anything anymore#so like idk what happened there#god just like intervened for a second there#make sure i didnt get too silly#anyways back to writing gay poetry i go ig smh my head
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