#but at the same time id rather die
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I keep feeling this yearning lately, this tight feeling inside me all the time esp when I'm trying to sleep, an intense sad feeling that nothing I do makes better and I think I'm just yearning for comfort. for someone to talk to me and touch me and look after me a bit. it's just been so long, and I've never let myself experience.. actually can't remember a single time in my life I've let myself experience being comforted lol. every time someone tries I get so tense and anxious and I have to get out of it
#ed mumbles#im running out of ways to deal with it#cutting isnt helping like it used to#drugs are currently making it worse#pet cuddles arent working#baking isnt working i just feel numb after#i need more ambien lol#cause i cant get past that aversion and even if i could#i don't know. theres too many barriers#there have been times#like as a kid crying.. but my mum always ignored me or told me to stop playing dumb#tried once as a teen and she just rolled her eyes and said shes sick of teenage girls#when i tried with my dad he left suddenly while i was talking#HE ASKED ME TO TALK TO HIM ABOHT IT#he left bc i was talking too much and not letting Him talk#a few times cried in school but i just sat there crying and nobody noticed#then i stopped being able to cry#idk man#i just need a hug and for someone to make me tea and be close to me#but at the same time id rather die
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if i had an allergic reaction again will my friend appear to hold my hand again if i get really drunk again will they carry me home if i'm too sick to get up will she call me at 5 AM to check up again if we've missed a flight and we're stuck in city we weren't meant to be in at 2AM will he tell me about philosophy again if i make bad decisions will she almost slap me in the face and hand me a cigarette again if i feel lost will she share shitty kebab and tell me about her life again will we get to play poker together again
#will he text me for advice about girls again#will she let me walk her home and tell me about her love life again#will she bleach my hair again will she cut my hair again will he teach me about jets and airplanes and the armories in his school again#will she tell me about the bell jar will she write music about me will they braid my hair in a hot summer again#will he walk next to me and tell me about how he wants to become an art curator? will he almost fall into a canal?#will she tell me to bite on a menthol cigarette again#will i get to see them smile again#i know we grow around memories and you never get over a person you lost really you just grow into and around the space they left behind#but theres just a lot of space#will i ever be big enough for everyone i ever loved#carrying memoried is so insane like what a monumental task#(id rather die than not carry them at all though maybe that's the same thing twice)#welcome to london paddington . etc etc#my friend cooked for me when i was too overtaken by heartache to do it myself. yesterday she put a blanket on me without me asking#if i lose her one day how will i carry that#idk how we are capable of this but our capacity for loss is so insane#anyway#time to stop grieving in advance#bye time to get off the train
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My mother like "why dont you go to a nutritionist" I'm not paying 100 euros out of pocket to go get scolded like a child by some thin italian equivalent of a former high school mean girl who still thinks carbs are the devil thank you
#idk where those people come from our highschoolers are different. not nicer. different#and yet the adult type is almost exactly the same#'not all nutritionists' like 89% of them tho. and i dont have the time nor money to go looking for the black swan of nutritionists#also in the improbable case someone wants to add something bout how 'but carbs' ill stop you right there#nutritionally speaking i am the most italian#id rather die in a year eating pizza and pasta than attain eternal youth by swearing it all off. so save your breath
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😦
#walks out of the swedish class with a thousand yard stare#ill be honest kitten daddys about to kill himself#and it IS this swedish course's fault#its mandatory for all studies... and it makes me wanna die so bad i hateeee it i dont understand anythingggggg#the teacher says all the instructions in swedish and half the time i dont even understand what im missing so i cant ask her to clarify#not that id like to anyway since everybody else seems to be getting by just fine#this is torture id rather pull off my fingernails than go back and its. until christmas. so the sufferings not really even begun yet#and the worst part is ill probably fail anyway so itll all be for nothing#but at the same time ive already suffered for a few weeks so i dont wanna just drop it and do it later yk??#life is agony i take back everything i said about being a career student i HATE academy i HATE learning i HATE studying#my post#nothing makes me despair like swedish class#actual misery like i never feel elsewhere
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uhm so uhm uhmumhumhmummhm when a guy randomly hugs you what does it mean
#UNI BOY UPDATE ?????????????????????????/#HE MAKES ME WANT TO CRY AND SCREAM AND EXPLODE ALL AT THE SAME TIME#ITS LIKE ?!??!?!??#WEVE NEVER BEEN TOUCHY TO BEGIN WITH WTF DOES THIS MEAN WHY IS HE SO CONFUSING#THIS IS. THE SAME MAN. WHO CALLED ME ANNOYING.#lynn doesnt know whats happening but they will continue to act like everything is ok#bc haha no u think im going to talk to him ab the hug tmr ??? absolutely not id rather die#i hate love#i hate men#i hate uni#im going to drop out istg#he is the only reason why i ever bother going to that shithole anymore istg#💌; lynn rambles !
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knew id break down properly eventually but wasnt planning on doing it on the floor in my mothers bedroom bc i didnt wanna walk the dogs lol
#im never getting a dog <3#its also the fact i was supposed to be going to glasgow today#but couldnt for Covid Reasons#this isafter my birthday got cancelled for the same reasons#(i did still have a good time tho im not complaining abt my birthday)#(i got lovely presents and loads of birthday wishes n i felt rly loved even tho i couldnt go anywhere)#(and then i spent the day watching doctor who eating cake and looking at pictures of ocean liners)#(literally no complaints there)#and yea anyway ive been in the middle of nowhere for ages unable to drive and ive just been rly lonely and kinda bored and aimless#and like my anxiety levels have been INSANE the entire winter#like we are talking fight or flight all day every day for no reason#and like insane insomnia as well#its officially 'chronic' insomnia lol ayyyyy#and yea essentially i couldnt take walking the dogs and i was in bed like. id rather die than have a dog bark at me ever again#and then i walked them anyway but ive cried for HOURS today lol so now my head hurts#but yea it was boundto happen eventually
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coming to the realisation that i can buy whatever i want to look however i want. insane
#but my cd bags havent come yet n i cant buy another thing until they come in the post bcos i prommied myself#n after that i need to get new over-ear headphones#also update the reward points system for making me do things is Not Working so i might ditch it#but also i. dont have a job. so i gotta ration my money. n if i wing it i feel like ill fuck it up#but also like. sigh ok so the plan was that for every task i do i get a euro of spending money. to motivate me to do tasks so i can buy thi#but ive racked up a debt already. oops! so theoretically i need to work that off before i can start saving for someghing new to buy#the thing is tho that my headphones broke n i have earbuds but i NEEEED to have on-ear headphones or ill explode#n im thinking of biting the bullet and buying some proper nice ones#but thats spencey itd take so long to save up for those#n i could theoretically add that to my debt n buy them now but that would render the debt functionally meaningless#bcos if i gotta do 100+ tasks to work off the debt to START saving for shit like a binder#then we're gonna have a problem#this could be mitigated by me getting less expensive headphones n stuff but like w a warranty so that when they inevitably break#i dont gotta vimes boots it and instead i can just get the same headphones again#but thats a lot of electrical waste :(#sigh i COULD ask my mom to get me the nicey headphones as a pre-emptive leaving cert thing#but id say shed rather get me something AFTER the leaving which is like. 20 days. n can i survive that long without overear headphones?#tbh probably. but also my perception is skewed bcos im currently in If I Have Headphones On I Will DIE mode#so shrug ill have to think it thru some other time#aughghghghgh!!!!!1 what if i killed and bit#<- still hasnt started studying for the leaving. at this point i dont think its gonna happen
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i WISH people would stop treating me like a stupid little child for [checks notes] refusing to make my life more miserable for the sake of a 'more comfortable' life under capitalism
#im not going to spend 80% of my day studying for a test that might let me study at a good college and then pick a major that.#i dont even want. or have any interest in. just because its guaranteed there will be work for me AFTER im done studying#sorry but id rather fucking starve to death. id rather die standing.#there are other ways of getting a job that doesnt involve being miserable in college for a looong period of time#also im sick and disabled im already suffering why would i make it worse for myself. i dont deserve it.#does curso profissionalizante means nothing to you#mfs be like oh im just explaining how the world works! no youre explaining me how the harder path with a good guaranteed result works#its not the same thing.
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I would WANT to be a Derse dreamer but I just KNOW my goody-two-shoes ass would be a Prospit bitch 😔
#homestuck#ive been thinking abt homestuck again#like i want to reread it for old times sake#but at the same time i feel like id rather die than do that ykwim#but yeah id definitely be in prospit lmao#every time i take those little classpect quizzes i always seem to get mage of heart#so i think im just a sensitive little baby lmaooo
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something got into me and i started planning out a fic I'll probably never end up writing. what.
#i randomly remembered my silly roadtrip idea so i started mapping out some plot points#but at the same time. the first and last time i wrote a fanfic i was 13 years old. what makes me think ill be able to do it now#also id rather die than submit my writing in english anywhere gsvdjdk#ok that makes me wonder if there are any fics in polish in the hermitcraft tag on ao3#i report back to inform you there are 7 fics in polish. time to make it 8 i guess#szad.txt
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The audacity of my mum to ask if I've tried a new meal yet as if I would ever try a new meal for anything less than the pain of death
#+Extra#i hate trying new foods even if the main components are the same or is made up of things i like that doesnt mean im gonna enjoy the combo#im a very fussy eater and have a lot of texture issues with foods that i dont see why id risk a good thing on something new and#unpredictable also the stress of trying to figure out other options? id rather die no. not doing that imma keep eating the same safe foods#until im sick of the very thought of them i have the same usual order for all of the places we order from and then only changes when they#change that option. devastating every time it happens what the hell am i supposed to eat now? should i starve!? tf man so rude#also its blatantly false that just because you like the components of something you should like them combined like no those flavours and#textures should not go together hate that logic. i need so much reassurance before trying some new food/drink and if its not good?#ultimate betrayal why would you make me sacrifice something i enjoy for something thats no good? do you hate me?#anyway i work in food services so i get a free meal on my breaks so thats why she was asking if i had risked my free meal on#trying something new which obviously i havent. we dont just complusively try new things that arent hobbies in this house
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sometimes im just chillin and then i remember a 12 year old followed me once and they had so much personal info on their acc and it scares the shit out of me🙁
#PLEASE practice internet safety guys#every time someone younger than me ints w me i know a dni wont do anything so i just like#make it my own personal mission to make myself a safe space for them yk#id rather die than let some poor kid on my blog go thru the same stuff as me. does that make sense#for younger ppl here id like u to know that i function as an older sibling too#if anyone is Ever overwhelming u or creeping on u u can dm me any time and ill help take care of u and ur situation#even if weve never spoken i pinky promise to help out always#i love u and i hope u stay safe#💛💛💛#srsposting
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Ignore
#delete later#im so exhausted and stressed. theres such a lack of stability and its freaking me out SO much. im just constantly tense and waiting#for something terrible to happen. im starting to think that im not gonna get to go to the entomology thing ive been hoping#how i can't do things independently and i must have been forced into this abd rhen it'll get cruel towards my friends abd i cant#and my aunt is getting worse abd my parents are waiting for me to fail abd have to move bsck with them which i can't do bc#to go to for months bc ill probably need to use that time off for preparing to move. which sucks. ive been looking forward to it#i was letting myself get my hopes up and that was a mistake bc now im rly disappointed. im hoping i can go but honestly#idk if it'd be financially responsible. same with comic con. its in october so i can probably go but it might not be a financially#good idea. it just. the things i was counting on to be stable sources of joy are not stable anymore and that's making everything worse#and im tryinh to be positive but im so anxious. theres just so much. i need to think about packing and try to figure out#how im going to move 1-2 hours away. how am i going to coordinate with movers whilst having to get the train to meet them#im disabled and cabt help move things so only getting one person ro deliver worries me. movers arent insured to take ppl with them#theres just SO MUCH. And i can't view properties easily bc of work so im missing out on multiple places that ive been contacting#ppl about abd i couldnt line up enough for last week when i was off bc it was too short notice and i just. its TOO MUCH TOO MUCH#im overwhelmed. im trying to think of the food im gonna cook when im there ahd the armchair im gonna buy#im gonna eat so much fucking lamb and fish oh ny god im excited for THAT#i wany to just go for the shittiest place to at least have some stability and bc i still have yhat kernel of thought that i dont#deserve comfort but im trying to fight it bc i do. i deserve somewhere nice and its unfair on myself not to find somewhere nice#especially as ill be living alone. i cant go for places that have no natural light or are four stories up or are a mile away from the train#station bc that will wreck my mental health and i wont have ready access to socialising that can stabilise me. gotta be fair#to myself. but THATS PROVING REAL DIFFICULT#im doing good saving though so thats nice i guess. fuck me moving is expensive. moving when you've got zero kitchen supplies is#even more so. gonna be an Interesting first couple days in the new place.#it will be. very bad. they keep texting me asking about it and i have to be positive bc otherwise itll become a conversation about#field all that shit when im like this. i just cant. that requires so much fucking energy i dont have. and i wont move back#id frankly rather die. and trying to not say that and decline politely sucks. bc they get the look of#oh we're not good enough huh#and i can't field their fucking feelings. i either need a pause button or a fast forward. id take either one#so many of these tags ended up out of order whoops. but these arent meant to be read anyway#i just need to scream bc idk what else to do
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Im gonna throw up im sick of feeling awful all the time
#dont want this to become a vent accoutn but i dont like venting on servers 😭#anyway i cant tell whats wrong with me. i dont even know if this is even depression i think i just really hate myself guys#because ive been depressed my whole life and i know what that feels like? maybe its a different kind. i got depression v2.0#but what do i even do about hating myself . like how do i even fix that.#i get mad at myself for not doing anything and then i actually accomplish something and im like. you didnt do it well enough? hello#i think one of my biggest current problems is that i dont like anything. like nothing is enjoyable to me anymore enough to commit to it#but i dont have anything else to do right now so im just sitting around wasting away and starting things but not finishing them#like what am i supposed to do. im not unhappy all the time but nothing is fun im just existing#i was joking but maybe I actually did unlock depression 2#which is another problem because none of my mental illnesses have ever been treated in a helpful way in my entire life#and i have some kind of if not multiple undiagnosed neurodivergences definitely. but im scared to try and get them diagnosed#because the last time i did i got told it was anxiety (IT WAS NOT I DONT HAVE ANXIETY ANYMORE AND I STILL HAVE THE SAME PROBLEMS)#and i cant even get anything done because i need help to do anything!#i feel so useless i cant do anything on my own because i just dont care enough id rather just like. sit here and die i guess#like im not even close to being s******* i know what thats like and its so much worse. thats part of why i feel so bad im not even that SAD#i just dont care. i think ssris fucked up my brain can i be real#oughh whatever. rant over back to playing pokemon#vent#talking#can i get an emotion. please one spare emotion#reading all of this back i truly think i just need to be pit on stimulants. but how do i get there i dont even have a psych rn...
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gggrrrrrr i feel ,,, like i can't make a big post abt what's bothering me bc i swear she doesn't follow me but she lurks on here from time 2 time so I'm ranting in the tags here side note I wish I could shut the fuck up but im struggling with that!!!!! >:(
#if u see this kai i love u#im so fucking stressed rn all i think abt is getting fucked up and od'ing so like yikes thats a problem#im tryna be excited and happy abt visiting fl but its so hard to keep my shit together rn#shes upset over her dad and low key taking it out on me and ik we're both stressed to the max#i can tell im having a problematic episode and its showing#i feel so annoying 2 every1 every time i say anything its eating at my brain#i feel like a shit person bc i wish i could do more for every1 but i cant even do for myself rn#i just want to smoke n drink n get fucked up and hav no cares in the world#i wanna drink sossooooo bad but my FL friends are gonna b watching over me like a hawk#i just wanna get away and do fuckshit but at the same time id rather kms than do drugs with those ppl ever again#like 2 1/2 years ago chase came by to help us move shit and he literally handed me a bag of meth and was like u want some?? i said wtf#i kicked him out bc he knew i was sober and i genuinely hate meth i accidentally did it 1 time on new years eve i swear i was finna die#i tried coke that night and i was on acid it felt truly magical i luvvv acid n coke#i just hav a rly bad coke problem but ive been sober since 2020!!!!#doesnt mean i dont think abt it allll the timeeee#sobriety rocks! jk jk this is the hardest shit ever#its just me n my nic vape against the world huh
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once ir reached 3am im gna plsay ml
#everybody is half asleep every time i play matches on ml at that time and its fuking hilaruosu#even me too cuz the enemy cld be right in front of me and ill miss all of my skills like What (rlyl happened and i was embarrassed cuz that#was quite litrly a free kill)#uehm ill try playing tank ig (very Ew unless its esme my queen<3)#i have tigreals special skin but ugghugurhg i wanna play pretty girls!!!!#only dude im allowing myself to play is nolan n cyclops and THATS IT#my nolan skills have degraded terribly tho i used to be so good at him when he first realessed#but he started getting banned every match and overtime i just forgot how to use him</3#+ i prefer to play more sustain junglers now like esme cuz id rather last long in a clash than die w just 1 wrong move#thats why im esme's Biggest Fangirl Ever (real)<3333#but i fucking hate playig as the jungler so thats that ig#I MISS MY MARKSMAN ROOTS but at the same time playing mid is saur fun#i need to sharpen up my luo yi skills cuz i wan buy oracle of sol skin w the promo dias#actually idk how promo dias work#like can u buy any skin or will there be like options to choose from idk#but either way i want to buy oracle of sol soooo bad just bc it looks so pretty#halloween lylia is alr but..... oracle of sol fx...... :(#oh help im looking thru my heores rn and i literally forgot that i have novaria#why did i even buy her bro im so shit at aiming my skills (see: first few tags)#same way i want to play selena but i know that aiming my skills i sjust . not it for me HWKJFGH#ermmemrm for marksman i doubt ill be going back to being a mm main any time soon#and if i hav to play mm in a match ill pick ixia anyway butttt i rlly rlly wanna learn how to play karrie#cuz the pro karrie players i get matched w are literally so scary liek i Cannot farm properly . they alwys zone me out!!!!#and its scary cuz once i get out of my tower she'll fucking punish me for that and i die !!!#one day one day#oooh also beatrix i wanna learn but just looking at her plethora of guns has my eyes confused#so sadge but uhhh i also rlly kinda wanna play melissa but it just seems that shes rlly rlly squishy#like she just has that kill them before they kill u kind of strat and most of the time it works but#i literally get like 20 heart attacks when i see my hp drop below 50% and i usually fumble my skills after that hhaaha#uhm anwyay i think i rambled elong enough her
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