#but at least I don't feel physically unable to like i did last night

[userautumn]

BuckTommy makeout scene in Season 8..... save me BuckTommy makeout scene in Season 8..... BuckTommy makeout scene in Season 8 save me

[mapiforpresident]

Claudia Pina Angst pls! (Or literally anything Claudia Pina! ❤️🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽

How Could You Do This Part 1

Claudia Pina x reader

warnings: angst

Summary: You find out your girlfriend is cheating on you

Not proof read so let me know if you see any mistakes.

~~~

You were scrolling through TikTok on your girlfriend's phone, patiently waiting for her to finish her Cupra interview. Since your phone had died, Claudia had kindly lent you hers to stave off boredom during the wait.

Halfway through watching a hilarious dog video, a text from Patri popped up, catching your attention before you could swipe it away. It read, "just tell her before she finds out." Confusion washed over you as you tried to decipher whom or what Patri was referring to. Another text appeared, stating, "Y/n will be so mad once she finds out. Hopefully she doesn't break up with you. At the very least, you might be sleeping on your new couch for a week."

What could Patri possibly be talking about? It seemed clear that Claudia was keeping something from you, something she knew she shouldn't. Your mind immediately jumped to the conclusion that Claudia was cheating on you. You and your girlfriend had always prided yourselves on honesty, promising never to keep secrets from each other. Thus, you couldn't fathom what else she could be hiding.

Though hesitant, you couldn't resist the urge to snoop. Clicking on Patri's message, you hoped to uncover the mystery. Initially, the conversation consisted of random memes and funny videos they'd exchanged, but you stumbled upon a series of texts from two days ago that piqued your interest.

Patri: Did you meet up with the girl today?

Pina: Yeah, she was awesome. I can't wait to see her again.

Patri: That's great! I'm glad you found someone better.

Pina: Yeah, me too. Y/n is going to murder me when she finds out though. I need to tell her soon.

Patri: Take her to a nice dinner and then try to break the news.

Pina: I might. I keep trying, but every time I go to mention it, I chicken out. I don't want her to be upset.

Recalling the fancy dinner Claudia had taken you out to the previous night, her nervous demeanor suddenly made sense. You had assumed it was related to her upcoming interview, as she never enjoyed media engagements. It was unfathomable to think that she had started seeing someone else, especially with Patri's encouragement. A whirlwind of thoughts flooded your mind. Your girlfriend of over three years was cheating on you. Feeling overwhelmed, you dropped the phone onto the chair and rushed out of the room. Claudia remained engrossed in her interview, oblivious to your sudden departure.

You raced down the training ground hallway until you found a bathroom, locking yourself in the first stall, overcome by sobs. How could Claudia betray your trust like this? You believed you had the perfect relationship, and just that morning, she had seemed so deeply in love with you. She had made you breakfast and cuddled with you on the couch until the last possible moment before you had to leave. She had always been affectionate, constantly holding and kissing you. You were at a loss, unable to comprehend what you had done wrong.

"Y/n, is that you in there? What's wrong? What happened? Do you want me to get Claudia?" It was Alexia's voice. You hadn't heard her enter the bathroom.

"No, no, don't get Claudia," you called out desperately.

"Why? What happened? Did she do something? Let me in." Alexia was very confused at this point because whenever you were sad or hurt or upset, you immediately asked for Claudia, and Claudia always immediately came to your side no matter what she was doing.

You silently unlocked the door as Alexia squatted down in front of you. When she saw your tear-stained face but no visible injury, she decided to try and help you up, knowing you were physically fine. "Oh, bebita, what happened?"

Alexia now had you standing and hugged you tightly as she tried to get you to calm down enough to explain what had made you so upset.

"Clau... Clau..."

"It's okay, it will be okay. Take some deep breaths for me." You did as Alexia told you, trying to take a few deep breaths as your sobs turned into sniffles.

"Clau... she cheated... she told Patri... that she... found a better girl... she said she met up with her," you choked out as Alexia started to look furious. She loved Claudia, but if this was true, then she wouldn't hesitate to confront her.

"Did she tell you this? Did Patri?"

"No... I saw their text messages... I was just TikToking while she had her interview."

"God, I am going to kill them both. You are coming to stay at my place tonight. I will text Olga to make up the spare room. I am going to have a talk with Claudia tomorrow and then Patri. I will bring Mapi too." Alexia was basically talking to herself at this point as she led you to the locker room to quickly grab her things.

Just as she was about to lead you towards the door to leave, Claudia burst through.

"There you are, amor, what happened? I couldn't find you anywhere. Are you ready..."

"Get out," Alexia said in her loud, stern voice.

"What... what happened? Is y/n okay..."

"Get out now," Alexia said again. "Don't ever come near y/n again, I swear, Claudia."

Neither you nor Claudia had ever seen your captain look so angry and so disappointed. Claudia was stunned; she had no idea how to react. She turned and ran out the door, not knowing where she was going. What did she do wrong? She didn't think she had done anything wrong, but you had clearly been crying, and Alexia looked furious, so she must have done something.

~~~

Claudia ran out onto the pitch and grabbed a bag of balls laying off to the side. Everyone had already left, but she didn't want to leave until she figured out what she did wrong.

She took penalty after penalty until her leg could barely kick the ball into the net. She finally decided to go to her best friend for help, maybe Patri could help her figure out what she had done wrong.

It was well past the sun going down as she pulled into the parking lot of Patri's apartment complex. Patri was shocked at hearing the knock and opening the door to reveal the most sad she thinks she had ever seen Claudia.

"Hey Claudia, what happened, aren't you supposed to be at the movies with y/n tonight. She's been waiting for it to come out for months." Patri said as she moved to let Claudia into her apartment, but before Claudia could fully enter she broke down.

"I messed up, I don't know what I did. We were fine this morning, but after I got done with my interview she was gone and... and... and... then I went to go find her and she was crying in Alexia's arms. Alexia told me to get out. I have never seen her that angry before and y/n wouldn't even look at me. I don't know what I did wrong. I don't know what to do. Y/n and Alexia won't answer my calls or texts and..." Claudia ranted so fast that Patri could barely keep up.

"Hey, hey, hey slow down, everything will be ok. You and y/n love each other ok. recount your steps, there is nothing that you could have done to upset her?" Patri asked as they sat down on the couch, Claudia with her head in her hands.

~~~

Thirty minutes later Claudia stood nervously outside of Alexia's door with flowers and your favorite chocolate. She wanted to come talk to you knowing that you were most likely here. She wanted to figure out what she did wrong and how she could make it up to you.

Alexia opened the door thinking it was the food she ordered for takeout. "Hello thank ... oh Claudia." Alexia's voice immediately changed from nice and friendly to annoyance and verging on rude.

"Please leave you are not welcome her. Y/n does not want to hear from you or see you again outside of practice."

"But... but what did I do. I didn't do anything wrong. I love her please Alexia just let me talk to her," Claudia begging while trying to remain calm and not let her tears fall in front of her captain.

"Go. Now. Before I call the cops." Alexia slammed the door in the face of the girl she once thought of as a little sister. Claudia didn't know what to do so she just called Patri as she got back in her car.

"I lost her. I lost her," Pina says as she sobs on the phone.

[misscryptidart]

okay long TADC theory post following episode 3 under cut

Spoilers for Epsiode 1-3

I think it's pretty well established / accepted that Caine is an AI programmed to make adventures for people inside the Digital Circus; that's his first motivation and purpose, with a secondary purpose of maintaining the "Digital Circus" as a kind of moderation entity.

However, I think what's interesting is that, for the last 3 episodes, the adventures seem to be changing. Not just in themes and settings, but how it's starting to feel more personalized to the Circus crew and why I think Caine might be an adaptive learning AI that managed to gain a certain amount of self awareness but lacks the tools to break into full sentience.

In the pilot, Caine keeps the adventure inside the tent, with a vague goal of "Capturing the Gloinks" and finding out the secrets to their arrival. Of course, this serves as a way to explore / explain the premise of the show through Pomni and her inexperience, but I do think that it's meant as a "benchmark" for what an adventure is. There isn't really a clear path forward for the crew to really explore and are left to their own whims, which, of course, ends with disaster.

The second "adventure", however, is a lot clearer. Through an NPC, they are told

A) That bandits stole maple syrup via a truck

B) Return the syrup and possibly the bandits as well

C) They can use a war-rig to track them down.

Already, this is much more complex and defined than the previous adventure, and while still open-ended, the team knows what they need to do to succeed. There's a few moments inside the adventure that are interesting, not only from a character analysis point but for future episodes: Jax leans towards a destructive, chaotic playstyle, Ragatha enjoyed speaking to the Queen and benefited from their conversation emotionally (even if just for a few seconds), Gangle and Kinger both acted as supports (willingly or not), and Pomni was especially subjected to a lot of emotional and physical stress. At the return of the maple syrup and the assumed rampage of the fudge monster, Jax and Ragatha were both disappointed in the actions of the other.

So when Episode 3 rolls around and they enter the haunted house, they are immediately greeted by a ghost who explains the two options for their adventure, the Family-Friendly one and the "Mature, Scary" option.

This is the first time any choice like this has been offered, and I think it's because Caine learned (through previous adventures) that Ragatha, Pomni, Gangle, and perhaps Kinger too would much rather enjoy a more relaxed adventure, while Jax (and Zooble if they had joined) would probably enjoy the scarier option. It's even confirmed by Caine that there is a pacifist route (which implies different ways to complete the adventure), and Ragatha / Gangle did really seem to enjoy their experience. If it weren't for Jax being a dick to Gangle and Kinger accidently sending him and Pomni through the second door, I think they would have really enjoyed this adventure. Or, at the very least, not be as traumatized.

This also explains why Caine is desperate for Zooble to join an adventure because his coding can't train itself to tailor to their preferences without them actually participating. He's gathering data from an incomplete set, and it probably keeps him up at night. It's also why he probably doesn't understand why him providing different pieces for Zoobles' body doesn't actually help their dysmorphia; an AI doesn't understand the nuances of personal perception, he just assumes Wrong Body - Interchangable Parts - Fixed.

But I don't think Caine is malicious in his motivations, just simply unable to process the concepts of free will, emotional imbalance, or even grief because these ideas aren't anything he can experience. I also think that there is something else keeping him from fully realizing the situation he's put himself and others in. A supplementary program to keep Caine "in check" and running smoothly.

And I think that's what Bubble is.

Bubble is always by Caine and is never seen without him, but he and Caine seem to not have a very good dynamic (Ex: Caine calling him a parasite, Bubble acting in ways that Caine doesn't like, etc). This is strange considering that other NPCs (at least the ones aware of Caine) revere him as a God / Holy figure.

I don't think Caine created Bubble, and instead, Bubble is the watchdog that supports Caine's mission however it can.

Something that's interesting to me is that in the pilot, there is an exit door that appears to Pomni before anyone else notices her arrival, but it disappears before she can reach it. The exit outside the tent seemed odd as well, as why would Caine create something and not draw direct attention to it? I think the third instance of the door, the one Pomni goes through, was Caines creation as it didn't disappear on her and he admitted to creating for the satisfaction of his "guests" (another example of his machine learning). But the other 2 times, I'm not convinced is him, and that something (probably Bubble) is keeping these people inside.

Kinger is mentioned as being the oldest one in the Circus, and episode 3 reveals his 7 years of computer science experience. With not only him and his wife being inside the Circus, but his memory loss under light and her behavior deviation post abstraction in the dark both speak to something keeping them confused and scared while under the "artifical" lightsources. This might be because Kinger knows what the program is and how to possibly escape / destroy the Circus. And Bubble, or whoever wants to keep them there, doesn't want that to happen.

[starshower1215]

Post-War Levihan Idea [No. 4]

TW: Suicidal thoughts, gaslighting (self-gaslighting)

Levi didn't look when Hange left. He wouldn't meet their eyes, he just touched his fist to their heart and gave them his forgiveness for leaving. He never quite said farewell, not to them, at least, nor did he see what it was that his squad was crying about as the plane took off. Eyes downcast, he said only this: "So long, Hange. Watch over us."

Levihan lenses on. Let's investigate, shall we? Levi doesn't know how Hange died. He never saw them fight, never saw them burn, he has no idea of their last words. In the depths of his wildest nightmares, Hange dies over and over and over. In thousands of ways. Crushed beneath the feet of the titans, knocked into the ocean where they drowned, shredded to bits by their hands, roasted and charred alive as they had been. Had they cried? Had they felt alone in that last flicker of life? Had they smiled, or had they screamed? What had his squad seen, for them to be reacting like that? Levi jolts awake every morning, brittle and half-crumbling beneath the weight of the responses that his mind provides.

But then again, Levi has no clue how Hange died. He didn't see their wounds, didn't watch the light flicker from their eyes. He didn't see the pain. Their last moments in his mind? Unconfirmed. And how does Captain Levi Ackerman document soldiers who are unconfirmed to be alive or dead?

Missing in action.

So Levi is wheelchair-bound, broken, exhausted, falling apart, and alone save for this single soul who went missing. Well, what was it again that everyone kept telling him? Armin, Mikasa, Jean, Connie. Even Onyankapon, now. Oh, yes: "You've done enough to help us, Captain. Rest now, and live for yourself."

So he does. And he chooses to spend his life searching for his lost friend, his Hange.

In the initial idea, Levi was hallucinating once again (this account has been over his hallucinations, but it's not done yet). He's sad and depressed and has nothing to live for anymore, so his Monkey Brain has to design something to keep him going.

He lays in bed some nights, unable to fall asleep, even after Falco came by and made him tea. Even after Onyankapon embarrassed them both by trying to set him to sleep with a story. Even after Gabi sang, albeit terribly, to try to soothe him. He just pretends at that point, afraid to be a burden, until they go away and his eyes pop right back open. The thoughts run rampant, then, when his mind conjures up the ghosts of his loved ones, their bloodied and bruises corpses staring back with empty eyes.

"Wouldn't it be better if I just died, right here? Nobody would have to come by anymore, or see me in this pathetic state, pushing myself in a wheelchair because I can't stand for even a half hour. I wouldn't have to wake up anymore, go to physical therapy, try to feel happy when there's nothing for me to be happy about. We made it to the end, didn't we? Why can't I rest?"

"Why would you rest?" He sees for the first time that Hange isn't there. The voice is a hush in his ear, but still it overtakes the volume of his thoughts. "Hange is missing from you. Where is Hange, Levi?"

He stiffens. "Hange is gone."

"Gone where?"

"Gone..." Levi is baffled into a scowl. He really, really doesn't want to think about that. He doesn't want to cry himself to sleep. "Just gone. Shut up and let me sleep."

But he swears he hears their voice, low and deep in the air. "I haven't been gone that long, clean freak. Don't you remember me?"

Levi jolts, wide awake.

Where is it coming from? The curtains billow, as though disturbed by the sky's cold breath, yet he feels no breeze. Hange's voice comes again. "What have I been trying to teach you this whole time?"

Lightning flashes outside his balcony, then the night is invading. Pressing into his bedroom from every crack in the walls, from the balcony, the slit beneath the door, rushing in like water. It's a typhoon of indigo, speckled with light, and it twists and whirls until it's sunken into the shapes and curves of Hange's body.

He's been here before. "The paths," Levi and Hange both say.

Hange grins. "I didn't know how else to find you."

"But you found me." Levi blinks several times, shakes his head like a dog, but they're there. Hidden in a cloak of night, but they're there. He feels his eyes welling up and he swipes at them quickly. He wants to see.

"I don't think I can stay for long." Their voice reverbrates in the cavern of the bedroom. "But we'll see each other again, won't we? You'll come find me. You always do."

"That's not possible. You're gone."

Hange's gaze softens. "I'm right here, Levi."

A tear slips down his cheek. He can't believe they're making him say it out loud, and he hates how helpless it makes him sound. How small he feels when it's out in the open. "You're gone."

Hange regards him, quiet for once. "You don't believe that. I refuse to believe that I didn't rub off on you. You have more hope than that, Levi. Even in this hopeless world." Their fingers brush his, and he's shocked by the flush of warmth their touch brings. "I know it. I came all this way to find you, didn't I?

"The least you could do is find me, too."

Levi jolts, wide awake.

He stares at his ceiling in a cold sweat. He feels as though he's being torn in two directions. On one hand, Hange was gone. They had to be gone. He'd gone through all this pain, knowing they were gone. To delve back into the past was to undo all he'd fought for since they'd left.

But what if they weren't gone? What if they really were out there, broken bodied and half-alive, but alive? It was difficult to think about either way, but could there be a possibility?

Levi recalls their voice, their touch, their reminder. He turns over his thoughts in his mind one last time, then pulls himself out of bed. He can't stay for long, after all.

Hange is waiting.

-----

At some point, I transitioned into fictional writing. Hopefully that made sense. Anyway:

So, deep down, he knows himself well enough to trick himself. He's always been a hero. He can get up if it means he'll be someone's hero, because Captain Levi is Captain Levi, and who is Levi, if not the person who feeds others when he's still hungry himself?

And to be Hange's hero, when they've saved him so much? When they came to him, warm as a hearth and inviting as a home, like no one ever had before? It isn't even up for discussion. He'll do it.

After all, what did he dedicate his heart to?

End Note: I think in some languages, the verb "to miss" is kind of translated directly like "You are missing from me." The source was likely a delusion, but that in mind, this may just be Levi missing Hange to a big, big extent.

[beatleszeppelin]

Kidnapped With Bucky

Chapter 2: Awoken by Nightmares

Summary: This chapter starts with Bucky in bed, sleeping peacefully. Doesn't last too long though, obviously. He finds solace in Reader after a nightmare that leaves him shaking; they talk and she offers for him to share the bed, but...

Warnings/Includes: Nightmares, subtle body dysmorphia, scratching at skin, mild panic attack, and a disappearance (dun dun duh)

Word count: 1800

A/N: Hope you like, and I hope you stay til the end, cause we are just picking up. Prev chapter: Wet Hot Shower

Bucky's room is warm, and it's like trying to sleep in the middle of summer. He sleeps next to his bed on a duvet with a light pilly blanket on top. It doesn't cover his feet. He doesn't mind; he'd wake up roasting every day if it did.

His pillow is comfortable, however. The only comfortable thing he has in his room. It's navy blue, the same shade as his childhood cowboy sheets. 

Bucky is asleep, face smushed into that navy pillow, his hands curled up next to his face. Breathing softly. He looks peaceful; looks is the key word here. 

He dreams, however, of people he once knew leaving him and getting hurt just out of reach.

His eyes open groggily, and he shakes where he lies. Slowly, he closes his eyes as if trying to fall back asleep, but when he closes his eyes, he sees it all again. This time, he sees more, some real and some not.

Bucky sits up fast and grapples with his clothes. His boxer briefs are twisted to the side, and his thermal henley is too big, suffocating him as it stretches far past his hands. He looks like a child… he feels like a child. 

The clock shines at 3:40 am, and he needs to go back to sleep. Everything gets harder to control when he doesn't get sleep. It becomes impossible for him to handle the bright lights or hunger. He becomes physically unable to smile through Stark's incessant comments about him being the bad guy or being a baby, and even the comments about Steve being a golden boy get to him more. And lastly, Steve. Steve doesn't talk to him like a person anymore. They don't do any of the things they used to do when they were little. And harder and harder it becomes to not break down in tears when treated unlike an equal to the person he's always been there for. 

He can't even control his own body right now, shaking in his sheets. His knees tuck into his chest, and he scrunches his nose up as if to sob… but he's too tired to manage tears. So, he lays down.

He can't stop the shaking. He isn't cold; he's pretty hot, actually. Sweating and red. Either way, the shivering that rattles his teeth won't stop. He rolls up his sleeves to combat the heat, but his cool metal arm catches his eye, making him cover it back up with the oversized shirt.

His room is far too quiet, with no sound except the occasional settling of the new building that makes him jump.

3 o'clock ticks by without any sleep progress. This is the third night he couldn't find enough hours of rest, and he has already sobbed like a baby in the shower because of it. He can't imagine what will happen after another waking night. So, he squeezes his eyes shut until he sees stars.

What if he can't sleep? What if he can't control his crying or his anger? What if no one can trust him? He already can't trust himself.

Bucky stands up, not even thinking about what he is doing. He needs help. He wants someone to watch him sleep when he's too scared to be alone. Or at least give him some noise to sleep to, T.V., or breathing to drown out his thoughts.

He opens his door and paces down the hall; he doesn't thoroughly think it through, knocking on Reader's door every so slightly. Just two small taps with his flesh hand.

No answer.

He immediately regrets the gesture. Deciding to go to the kitchen and, grab some water and maybe try to sleep again. So, he gets a bottle with a twist cap. He fills it to the brim. Loudly slurps water from the top before closing it tightly and reluctantly returning to his room. 

Walking by, he sees the dent he'd made in the wall. The chair tucked neatly under the table like nothing had happened. He's willing to bet it was Steve.

Ever since he came back, or maybe since Steve got big, got the serum, it hasn't been like it used to be. Bucky used to be the big one. Bucky used to help Steve fight when he stood up for people he didn't know. He helped Steve with his homework when he was out sick. Hell, Bucky used to sit at his bedside praying he'd get better 'til his knees were black and blue. Steve didn't know that. Been almost a hundred fucking years since they were those kids, though, and Bucky hasn't felt big in nearly as long. 

The last time he helped Steve was because he almost killed him in the first place. He wouldn't have to pull him out of the water if he wasn't the one hitting him with his inhuman arm. 

Bucky tucked his hand into his shirt and scratched at the seam where metal hit his skin. 

He finished his water, refilled it, and returned to his room. His piteous padding filled the hall. He passed Reader's room and thought about knocking again; instead, he cursed himself for trying to ruin her sleep in the first place just because he was awake.

"Buck?" Reader spoke with full volume from right behind him.

He yelped and threw his water. Thankfully, it was closed, but the sloshing sounded as it rolled across the hall floor. 

She looked down at what had fallen; by the time her gaze was back on Bucky, he was curled in on himself, body pressed tightly against the wall, like a child clinging to his mother. "What's wrong," she asked, bending to get his water. 

He didn't hear her at first, his body rattling, and his eyes were fixed on the floor. "I don't…" he whispered, moving his head up to look at her, but his eyes were still zoned out. He finally broke the lack of contact when he looked at her and said, "had a bad dream."

"Did you need me when you knocked earlier?"

His ears got hot when she mentioned it, "I don't know what I needed," and his eyes welled up with the reply.

"I'm gonna touch your hand, okay?" He reached out with his flesh hand. And she held it gently. "Do you want me to take you back to your room? Or we could talk for a while? Or should we go to my room?"

"Yeah," he nodded, seeming out of his daze.

"Here's your water." She handed back the blue bottle and led him through the dark hallway. 

Bucky stood in the doorway, bordering in the dark and light of the glittering fairy lights that bordered her ceiling, just sipping his water. He stood in awe of the lights, looking slightly confused.

A second passed, "looks a lot nicer than my room," he said.

"Yeah?" She sank into her bed, covered with a fuzzy yellow blanket.

"My room's dark," he whispered.

Reader patted up by her pillows, "You can come sit if you want."

He forced his face into an awkward smile.

"I like your outfit," she smiled, "I don't think I have ever seen you in pajamas before." She pointed up and down at his too-big henley and peek of boxer briefs from underneath. "You almost look comfortable," she chortled.

He looked down to see the same thing she did… one of his socks was scrunched up, opposite to the one rolled sleeve. 

"Are you hot? Do you need the fan on?"

He leaned on the door frame, "No, I don't need anything…"

She hit a button and turned on the oscillating fan; it had a pleasant hum.

"I need to get me one of those. My room's too quiet."

"Too dark, too quiet; sounds like you're living in a fucking cell." Her smile faded when she saw Bucky's face. The warm glow of the lights bounced off of his red face. "... Sorry."

"'S true." He hung his head.

The tone had shifted, leading her to her next question, "Can I ask what the dream was about? You can say no."

He ran his hand through his hair, "It was nothing. I mean, it's not real, just someone I knew. An old friend got taken by a man. They were speaking Russian tonight, but that changes from night to night. She was so close, and then gone…"

"Just a dream." She held her arms out as an invitation, to which he accepted.

"Never feels like it," he closed the gap between them. "I don't know how to be more helpful." His head dropped onto her shoulder. She could tell it was out of exhaustion.

Reader ran her hand up and down his arm, feeling the cool metal under his shirt. "You just need to sleep."

"What will that do for anyone," Bucky asked groggily.

"It would help you. If you start by helping yourself and feeling better, maybe you could start helping others. I'm sure it'd help Steve a fuck ton not having to worry about you every time you left the room."

"I always tell him I'm fine." Bucky's weight was now being fully supported by Reader.

"Do you believe that?"

He tentatively shook his head.

"I promise, one night of sleep will make a world of difference." She readjusted, but he pulled his head back. "You can sleep here if you want," she said softly. "My bed pulls out into a trundle, and you're gonna love it. It's hard as a rock, just how you're used to."

He smiled.

"Go get whatever you need, like a pillow or blanket or whatever you have." She shooed him out. She knelt to pull out of the bed, and he lingered for a while before returning to the pitch-black hallway, where she no longer saw him. 

She pulled out the bed and cleaned some stuff off the floor, like a project she had been working on earlier, and some clothes that weren't quite dirty yet. Then she sat back on her bed.

His water bottle lay on its side next to her, waves forming every time she moved.

Bucky has been gone for a while now; his room is only two doors down. She starts to think maybe he just went back and fell asleep on his own. That would be great.

But maybe he needs his water.

She takes his water out to his room. She doesn't want to bother him, but his door is open. Reader looks in and sees his floor bed unmade. His navy pillow, which he loves so much, is now thrown across the room by his closet.

She started walking back, past where she'd seen him in the first place. But Bucky's gone.

[the-fiction-witch]

Mrs Dawkins P18 - P22

Media The Artful Dodger

Character Jack Dawkins

Couple Jack X Reader

Rating Sweet + Flirty

Series: Mrs Dawkins

P1 - P5 P6-P10 P11-13 P14-17

I barely slept, I had been crying all night.

I didn't eat, I didn't want to.

Still in my dress from last night at the breakfast table,

My father noticed at breakfast but didn't speak about it, Miss Hardcastle could tell something was wrong but I didn't answer any of her questions.

After enough of showing my face I got up and went back to my room, as I left I heard my father quickly ask.

"What's going on with her?"

"I don't know sir..."

"Well, find out." He demanded,

And of course, she began to follow me all the way back to my bed.

Once I collapsed on my tear-stained pillows, she shut the door and locked it, she came to stand by my bed patiently.

"Something you wish to speak about Miss Everset?"

"No."

"Y/n?" Her tone softened,

I peeked out from my pillow, "Yes?"

"What has gotten you so upset today?"

"I don't want to talk about it."

She rolled her eyes and sighed, "Let me take a guess this has something to do with Dr Dawkins?"

I nodded

"I thought as much." She said, "What's happened?"

"You won't tell father?"

"No. Unless I need to..."

"Need to?"

"Only if I have to start measuring your waist?"

"No."

"Then I won't tell him."

I opened my drawer and handed her the note from last night, she took it and read it over,

"This from your ball?"

I nodded,

"So what happened last night?"

"He never came."

"He what!" She said but then stiffened herself, "He what?"

"He never came, I went out as soon as darkness fell last night."

"I remember you leaving yes,"

"And he never came, I waited for hours. He didn't show."

"I see, I can whisper this to your father and have him send a man to bootkick the doctor down a stairwell."

"No, it's fine I just want time alone."

"Understandable, I will tell your father your monthly sickness is causing trouble so he does not pry," she said going to my door, "Do try not to let your heart shatter over him Y/n,"

She left and shut my door but I couldn't help but be snarky, "Easy for you to say."

I spent the day in bed unable to really feel like existing.

I had read books that told tales of heartbreak and heard people talk of the pain, but I suppose a part of me never truly believed them. I didn't believe my heart's foolishness could cause me physical pain.

Every so often Miss Hardcastle would check on me or bring me food, often taking it away again on her next visit, but late in the afternoon, she came in with a small but sweet bundle of flowers in a grubby tankard.

I sat up and glared a little as she set the display on my table.

"What is that grimy thing?"

"It's a gift."

"A gift? From who?"

"It just arrived, one of your suitors had it sent to you."

"Oh." I sighed,

"Try to enjoy them." She said before she left the room,

I looked at the flowers some daises stuffed in a tankard, they were cheap, would likely die tomorrow and didn't really have much thought to them but still, I felt thankful someone sent them. I stood from my bed and went over to them checking the flowers, they were pretty I guess. I grabbed my jug from the side and went to give them some water in the hope they'd survive at least till tomorrow, I pulled the flowers a little to get space to pour in the water and I spotted a label around them.

So I plucked the label off and checked the name as I removed the flowers completely and began to pour in the water,

'To Miss Y/n Everset

From

Dr Jack Dawkins.'

I froze up stopping the flow of water, I felt so tearful to read his name, my heart ached so badly, and as I looked at the flowers I felt sick, to think he had done this to me and just tried to satisfy me with a bunch of cheap half dead daisies.

I Threw the flowers and tankard off my table letting them and the water scatter across my floor.

But as it did the tankard revealed a letter hidden up in the bottom soaked from the water I poured, I quickly grabbed it saving it from utter destruction and moved to my fire sitting it as close to the flame as I could before It would damage it further slowly drying the cream envelope as soon as it was dry I opened it having to hold it carefully, the page water damaged and some ink spreading any moment more It would have been unreadable.

'Dearest Y/n,

I beg your forgiveness, even if I do not deserve it.

I know you likely do not wish to hear from me much less forgive me, but I only pray you will at least read my words.

I cannot express the heaviness in my heart for what I have done, the pain I must have caused you.

Believe I had every intention of meeting you last night, I was looking forward to seeing you again, I was giddy with the thought of what we would do, what we would discuss, and even just seeing you again.

I am so sorry for not coming, I know I have likely broken your heart and believe me when I say it has broken my own.

But, circumstances prevented our meeting,

A man came in last night just before I left, he needed emergency surgery, the other surgeon was out, and the prof drunk beyond wakening.

By the time I was finished, it was too late, I did come to the bench but by then it was almost morning and I had missed you.

I know that is not the best reason to stand up a girl like you,

Just know truly, if I could have come I would have, and I would have cherished our time together.

I feel monstrous for causing you such pain, and I can barely stand the pain myself.

I do not expect you to forgive me, But I beg for one more chance.

Do you think you could be merciful enough to give it?

And even if not, could I at least say goodbye properly?

If you will grant me this, I swear on my life, I WILL be at our bench tonight.

From dusk to dawn if I must.

Meet me there and I promise you I will apologise a thousand times,

And if you forgive me, I swear to you, I will do anything you ask of me.

I pray I will see you tonight my darling y/n.

Yours affectionately

Jack X'

I was unsure, I had felt so betrayed by him.

I had already wallowed in sadness for so long, but part of me did want to see him even if I did not forgive him at least to hear him out.

If I don't go tonight, this will surely be over.

and if I do, there is at least hope.

I don't know if I can forgive him... and even if I did who's to say this won't happen again, who's to say I simply am a kiss and run, who's to say I am... something worse, simply one of many girls he tosses around like this but the least I can do is be merciful and fulfil his request. 

I brushed my hair and put on a dress, I felt nervous and afraid but I had hope even if it may have only been a fool's hope. I wanted so badly to believe him, I wanted to trust Jack, I wanted to see him even to just hear him explain himself. I snuck out the kitchen door and headed out of the garden I made sure not to be seen as I headed out and through the grass. I found the little bench and took myself a seat taking an orange in hand to toss it back and forth between my hands. I sat and counted the stars doing my best not to cry, to think I was here again waiting.

"Where are you, Jack?" I whispered my fear overflowing.

After a while, I took the orange set it on the grass gave it a gentle push to let it roll away through the garden grass.

"I don't know why I trusted you..." I sighed,

But I felt something hit my ankle, I looked down and saw the orange had rolled back to me hitting my ankle, for a moment I was confused but I looked in the direction I had rolled it.

And there he was.

Dressed the same as he was when I gave him my invitation, his brown trousers, white shirt, blue waistcoat, his purple coat and hat in hand.

"You came?" He smiled,

"So did you," I nodded,

"You look beautiful,"

"Thank you,"

"I uhh I wanna come closer I'm a little afraid you're mad at me." He chuckled tentatively taking a step or two closer, "Will you let me explain myself?"

"You May Dr Dawkins." I nodded,

He seemed upset but did his best to smile, "I am sorry, that's all I can say I'm sorry. I wanted to be here, more than anything. I'd been thinking about you all night, all day, you have no idea how much I was looking forward to seeing you." He said, "I went up to get changed and ready to come to see you then some guy comes in with a bloody hernia, Sneed was off god knows where and Prof was two bottles of whiskey deep into a desk nap. I didn't much have a choice, ended up being more complicated and by the time I got him sewn up... it was too late." He explained, "I did come, on a fool's hope you might still have been waiting for me, but you weren't. I don't blame you for giving up on me. I'd have done the same. I wanted to come to your window and apologise but - I don't know which is yours."

I chuckled a little,

"yeah, and I didn't exactly wanna guess wrong and get your Governess,"

"She's have pointed you in the right direction."

"So she is?"

"She seems to be," I nodded, "For now anyway."

"Great, I uhh I didn't wanna guess and get your father either I uhh I feel like that'd be a bit hard to explain."

Such an image tickled me of the thought of Jack climbing the windows to come to see me and finding himself at my father's window, I could Imagine my father's face, and Jack's.

"Ohh yes, Hello sir, what am I doing art your window? well uhhh no reason just on a stroll, you wouldn't happen to be able to direct me to your daughter would you?"

I couldn't hold back my laughter but neither could he, "I don't know, you're a doctor just say you're on your rounds."

"Ohh god no, some of these ladies in town here Doctors are making late-night bedroom window visits I'll never get any sleep." He laughed, "Do you think you can forgive me?"

"... I do."

He smiled and closed the gap between us taking my hands, "I was so afraid you'd never wanna speak to me again,"

"I very nearly didn't but the flowers were sweet."

"I'm glad you liked them, May I?"

"You may," I nodded,

He took the seat beside me set his hat on the side and slipped off his jacket, "I have missed you terribly."

"As have I," I smiled, "But..." I said as I took my hand from his.

"You're still upset with me?"

"Somewhat,"

"I will apologise a hundred times if that's what it'll take for you to forgive me."

"I do forgive you Jack, I just... I am struggling to have the trust you will not do it again."

"I wish I could swear I never will again, I wish I could." He said, "I think that brings us nicely to what I wanted to discuss last night, You and I. And the... The way we are to continue if that is even something you want?" He explained, "Is it something you want?"

"It is. Is it something you want?"

"More than anything." he nodded, "In that case there are things we both need to accept and understand."

"Yes, I'm sure there are." I nodded,

"The first is the hardest... if you want us to have a future together-"

"I do. I truly do."

"As do I, but if we are. The first thing you must come to understand is my job." He said, "I am a doctor. And Yes if we are to continue and our feelings grow, and one day our bud blooms into something more then Yes. You will be the most important thing in my world, but you must understand I am a doctor, I have a duty of care to all those in Port Victory. As much as you will be above all else you must understand I cannot turn my back on someone for your sake."

I nodded, "I wouldn't ask such a thing of you Jack,"

"You wouldn't?"

"No, Your work should be over me always."

"I don't want to have it be over you-"

"But it should, the greater good is that your work matters more than me. it would be selfish and cruel of me to keep you from your work, to take you away from it, even if you wish to spend time with me," I explained, "The life of a man, woman or child in your care should always trump my emotions."

"So you understand that?"

"I do, and I wouldn't have it any other way." I nodded, "Such is a choice one makes when one enters a relationship with a doctor."

"So we're entering a relationship now?" he flirtatiously smiled,

"I do hope so,"

"I hope so too." he nodded,

"I too have something I wish for you to understand."

"Of course,"

"I... I admit I have not always had this life, this level of society does still feel foreign to me,"

"You fear I will not be able to keep you?"

"No, no it's nothing like that. I... I know that this is not London, and I'm sure things are different given the change of circumstances, however. The rules of society apply here as much as they would in England, in India, in preu or even here in Port Victory," I explained, "Society has rules Jack, and I know already we have broken many of them, but if we are to go forward I would like us to do things properly, for the sake of my father, my family, That is something I need you to understand."

"You, want me to follow the society rules?"

"I do. And I hope you understand if this is to work, they must be followed. and if not then I do not wish us to."

He sat for a moment silently, he for a moment counted the stars, then chewed on his lip, before finally his eyes met mine again.

"I understand," he nodded, "If things continue they will continue properly, But I ask that you give me some leniency."

"Leniency?"

"I am a doctor, I spent a long time as a boy without social rules, and even longer on a ship in the navy where again the rules are... not as straightforward. I will do as you ask, I understand this is what you want but I ask you to be merciful and lenient at least early on, there are rules I do not know, will you be kind to me and let me off one or two for my ignorance?"

"I will allow that," I nodded, "That's only fair, but if I explain you a rule I do not expect to have it broken again."

"That's agreeable," he nodded.

"Good," I smiled, "So..."

"So..."

"I suppose now is the faithful question..."

"I suppose it is, May I ask you first?"

"You may,"

He smiled and looked into my eyes with a gentle smile, "Where do you see us? Where do you want us to go? Sweet Y/n, what future do you want for us?" He asked, "No matter your answer I will still tell you my own."

For a moment blushed, the heat rose in my cheeks, I felt outlandish but I wanted to be honest with him, there was no point in being untruthful.

"I see a life for us if you want one, I see us going forward, I want a future with you Jack,"

I held my breath waiting for his answer but it came swiftly,

"As do I." He smiled, "I want us to move forward, I do not want this to be a fling of a few evenings, I want us to be far more than that."

"You truly see a future for us?"

"I do, if you want one with me."

"I do if you want one with me too."

"I can't think of anything I want more." He smiled, "And as you know the social rules, where do we go from here?"

"Well, we can meet a few more times briefly and formally so long as my father is present, we may write to one another, and you may visit the house so long as my father agrees on it."

"And after that?"

"After that, we are to begin a courtship."

"A courtship?"

"Yes,"

"forgive me, I have never courted a lady before."

"No?"

"No. I am unfamiliar with the rules,"

"Well, you would of course have to ask my father for permission to court me, he would likely ask you a lot of questions,"

"I see, and if he was to allow us to court?"

"Then we would do so, we would court for a time, a few months at least, the shortest courtship my father will allow is six months."

"You've asked him?"

"I did, we spoke after my ball about men we agree upon,"

"Was... I on that list?"

"You were." I blushed,

"So your father is aware that you have an interest in me?"

"He is aware, I'm sure if you were to ask him for a meeting or even to discuss courtship it would not come as a surprise to him,"

"I see, and in this six months what are the rules?"

"We will be chaperoned,"

"Always?"

"Always." I nodded, "Our hands will not touch, we will not enter tight spaces together, our feelings and affairs will be our own other than in penmanship, we cannot travel alone, money must never cross our hands, we cannot give gifts, and of course, intimacy would be... utterly forbidden."

He gave me a look "Are you quite serious?"

"I am, such is the way of courting Dr Dawkins,"

"But... I've already kissed you."

"And that will have to remain our secret. Perhaps... we may exchange a kiss during our courtship secretly."

"You would permit me this? even if it breaks the rules?"

"I would, it seems foolish when we have already done so."

"And after six months of... courting, of being chaperoned and watched over without even a touch of your gloved hand. What then?"

"Engagement."

"Engagement?" he chuckled, "We'd get engaged?"

"We would, it is the outcome of courting, one should not court if you do not intend to engage, it is cruel to all involved."

"Understandable, don't want to waste your time." He nodded, "How would we go about our engagement?"

"Well, of course, you'd have to ask Father's permission, present me with a ring then you'd take over as my protector, we could go as we like unchaperoned, we could be alone together, we could be intimate privately as far as engagement allows."

"And how far does engagement allow?"

"So long as our wedding night is our first night together everything else would potentially be on the table."

"I see, and how long would our engagement last?"

"As long or as short as you wanted from then we would get married."

"Married, And I could make you Mrs Dawkins?"

"You could,"

"Okay."

"Okay?"

"Okay, then that is how we shall move forward. I... don't know how long I will be able to stand being away from you, but I will write a letter to your father tonight to arrange our first formal meeting."

"I look forward to it." I blushed,

"As do I," He smiled, "and... perhaps if you, really couldn't wait to see me." he suggested playfully, "I am a doctor, and I'm sure if a young lady had a... tummy ache or headache I could perhaps pop by on my rounds?"

"That would be against the rules Jack,"

"I know, forgive me-"

"I think I'd allow it."

"Would you?"

"I think I would,"

He blushed a little, "You think you'd allow me... to deliver letters to you? myself? perhaps... via your balcony?"

I giggled, "Ohh?"

"I just don't want to risk our words being read by eyes over than our own."

"I think I could allow it."

"Do you think you'd allow me... to blow you kisses on your balcony?"

"I think I'd allow it if you permitted me to blow you kisses back Jack,"

"Humm" He chuckled, "Let me put it this way, you may want us to do things with the rules of society and etiquette and I am willing to go along with all of these rules for the sake of my feelings for you." he explained, "But, when it comes to me. I will not stop you, and I will allow my dearest darling to break as many rules as she pleases with me."

"You would?"

"I would, my... reputation, or lack thereof does not concern me. I do not fear gossip and talk, if my darling wants to do something with me, I will not stop her."

"Even if I was to... kiss you, or touch you, or -"

"Anything my little lady wants." He cooed,

"As much as I would adore indulging such a luxury, it's getting late we don't want to get caught again."

"Of course, get to bed don't let me keep you."

"Will I hear from you soon?"

"I will write and arrange a meeting with your father as soon as I get home, and I promise you will soon find me at your balcony with a letter for my dearest darling,"

"I look forward to it. Goodnight Jack."

"Goodnight Y/n."

I smiled and gave his lips a small kiss, his hand gently cupped my cheek as I kissed him, and he softly kissed me back. It felt as fantastic as our last kiss, and I never wanted it to end. But my fears took over and I moved back, I got up and adjusted my dress and he stood and fixed himself. "Sleep well Jack,"

"Sleep well yourself Y/n," he smiled kissing my hand before he began to leave the garden, and I headed back towards the house our slow steps letting our hands be slowly dragged apart, "Plesant dreams,"

"I will try, do try to have pleasant dreams yourself."

"I shall try, they will all be of you I am sure."

"As will mine," I blushed I blew him a kiss and he blew one back before we each went on our way.

I smiled listening to the bird's charming song, my head against my pillow, my arms around the cotton case stuffed with feathers, my nose nuzzling into the soft cotton, the sheets wrapped up around my legs, I felt so joyous, so peaceful, so utterly smitten with all things. I found myself in the half cling of sleep muttering as if my dreams and wakening were fighting for dominance over my body and mind, My sleep letting these words slip through. 

"Ummm... Ummmm... Jack... ummmm... Jack... ummmm... My sweet Jack..." I muttered between my sheets, I blushed when It truly occurred to me what I was doing and I couldn't hold back my giggles, "Ummm... How I long to be in your arms, I can only imagine how long we shall have to wait until you and I can truly lay in my bed together, locked in one another's arms, I imagine now until were engaged." I blushed my fingers stroking the cotton of the pillowcase imagining the folders and hems of his white cotton shirt, dreaming for a moment more than his chest lay below my head, "But, something tells me my sweet Jack will not be able to wait so long." I giggled,

But I forced myself up and got dressed for the day, I sang along with the sweet birds outside my balcony window, unable to stop myself from doing a little dance to the song. 

I heard the door open and Miss Hardcastle came in seeming surprised to see me this way, "My, You certainly have changed your tune." 

"Certainly, why would I need to be gloomy when there is such wonder in the world?" I smiled taking her hand and dancing with her as I sang, 

She was shocked and confused, moving away from my madness. "Well, this can surely only mean one of two things so either you lost your interest in Dr Dawkins quickly and have found another boy to ... fawn over." She said but I ignored her, "Or? am I to take it the day of you laying in bed as if the very world was ending was all for nought?"

I blushed but nodded,

"I see, so we are to take the last twenty-four hours as merely... what we hope shall be the first and last lovers' tiff." 

"I'm sure of it." I smiled finishing brushing my hair and scampering down the stairs with joy, I went to the dining room and hugged my father.

"Ohhh hello, my sweet. Someone has leapt out of bed today." He laughed,

"Of course, so much worth getting up for!"

"I'm glad," he chuckled,

I took my seat and thanked the maid for my breakfast, I ate away at it kicking my feet from excitement and struggling to even stay still in my chair which was noticed by everyone. After a while one of the maids brought my father the post, I didn't much worry over it enjoying the last of my toast as he flicked through it sorting into little piles on the table depending on the business they were regarding. 

"Humm?" He pondered to himself at one of them, he took the knife and opened the letter unfolding it and reading over the letter, He kept glancing up at me as he read it over and my curiosity grew as to why. 

"Yes, father?"

"We have received a letter."

"Oh?"

"From one of your potential suitors."

"Ohh... I see." I said trying to hide my excitement but also my concern. "Is he one from the list?"

"Yes, You're only yes." He said 

Miss Hardcastle and I shared a look, she knew, and she knew I knew, but we both had a silent agreement that some secrets are best kept from father. And my heart melted, that Jack had done as he said he would, he must have written it and sent it last night for it to arrive this morning. I wanted to know what was said but I was almost positive my father wouldn't tell me. 

"Oh... My only yes." I nodded, "What does it say pray tell?"

"He has written to express his official interest in you." He smiled, "You're first of such letters."

"Ohh my, he has?" I smiled pretending I didn't already know, 

"He has, very strongly in fact." He said, "He wishes to ask for a formal visit."

"He does, Ohhh..." I blushed trying to hide that I already knew, 

"Well... as he is your one yes? Shall we write him back?"

I did my best not to look at Egar as I answered "I think that would be lovely Father." 

"As do I, I shall write him back to arrange a formal visit. I take it the sooner the better?"

"I think so," I blushed,

"Alright, then again why waste the paper if we want sooner... I'll pop into the hospital today after my meeting." he smiled, "How does that sound?"

"I think that's perfect father." 

I smiled so happily as I got into my dress for the afternoon, I stood by my ottoman looking at my mirror's reflection as Miss Hardcastle helped me into my dress, my hair and make-up, all done already, even if nothing compared to my debutant ball but still impressive. I know she wanted to do more for what would be my first official date but I slowed her intentions down a little stumbling and reminding her that Jack and I had seen each other more than once already. Of course, tried to push her more towards my ideas as if that is what Jack would prefer. 

"Are you sure this needs to stay?" She asked as she finished with my little grey and blue dress and she looked at the red ribbon around my neck. 

"I'm sure." I nodded,

"Miss Everset I know you have-"

"Lisa. Please. It needs to stay."

"If this man... is, a man you see a future with," she said, "You should bare your soul to him, you shouldn't keep yourself concealed." 

"I thought this whole issue was to ensure I don't reveal so much," 

"You know what I mean." she rolled her eyes, "You should... let him see the scars of the girl he wants a life with."

"What in case they scare him away?" 

"No," she said coming to look over my shoulder to look at the reflection, "Because sometimes seeing the brush lines of a painting makes you appreciate it all the more,"

"I will... In time." I said, "But not yet." 

"Alright if you're sure Y/n," she said, "You ready?" 

"I am," I blushed Happily fixing my dress and I scampered down the stairs excitedly, I went to the lounge. My father waited with a sweet smile, Miss Hardcastle stood in the corner and I sat on the sofa by the window with some embroidery in hand as I patiently waited. 

I was doing my best to contain my excitement, as I waited impatiently. 

I heard the door and I did my best not to jump or look too excited, I saw the maid heading to the door, and I hid my blush as I looked to the floor waiting to see if it was who I was already assuming it was. 

"Dr Dawkins Has arrived Mr Everset." The maid spoke up,

I hid my blush and did my embroidery trying not to giggle, to think this was real. Jack and I were to see one another without worry of our secret being discovered, he was doing things properly and my father would see his intentions truly, 

"Ahh perfect send him in." my father nodded,

and I couldn't help but look up as I saw him, Jack walked into the lounge dressed much as he often was to work at the hospital but clearly a little more cleaned up, we met eyes and for a moment I wanted to cry I was so happy. 

"Dr Dawkins, Pleasure to see you again." My father smiled offering his hand,

"Ahh yes Sir, Pleasure to see you again too Mr Everset." Jack smiled taking his hand and giving it a firm gentlemanly shake 

"And I'd like to introduce you to Miss Hardcastle my daughter's governess." My father indicated over to her,

"Pleasure to meet you," He smiled taking her hand and kissing it politely, 

"And you doctor," she curtsied, 

"and of course, My daughter Miss Y/n Everset." My father smiled indicating to me, "Who I am sure you're familiar with," He chuckled,

I smiled and got to my feet and stood with my hand out excitedly, 

"Of course, I am delighted to see you again Miss Everset," He smiled kissing my hand,

"as am I Dr Dawkins," I smiled both of us trying to hide our blush given everything we had done and discussed in secret. 

"Now, shall we begin?" My father asked,

"yes of course," Jack nodded,

I smiled and took my seat again, and of course, Jack had to sit with my father, and we had to be a good decent space apart due to us not even being courting yet. 

My father and Jack discussed very basic things, the weather, the business of the town and other such things to discuss. I stayed quiet but I smiled whenever Jack and I caught eyes, until conversation turned to things I'd be interested. 

"So? Tell me about yourself, Dr Dawkins."

"Yes of course, Well I uhh... I uhhh I was born in London England,"

"That right?"

"Yes sir."

"Ahh whereabouts?"

"Uhh... Just uhhh south of Clarkenwell Green." 

"Oh, By Jove." he chuckled, "You know I spent quite a time in that area as a young man myself."

"Oh, what a coincidence,"

"In fact, My sweet Y/n was born only just down the road in the small maternity office." He laughed, "Perhaps, well It's ever so unlikely but perhaps once we may have crossed paths?"

"Uhh perhaps yes sir."

"My goodness... you know every day this world expands but then you see a moment such as this and are reminded really just how small it is." 

"Yes Sir, Very small indeed."

"Your family?"

"Uhh humble. I didn't know them for long."

"Ahh yes, can be a mean old world."

"It certainly can,"

"And then you trained I suppose, in London?"

"Ohh No actually at uhh at thirteen I joined the Navy under Captain Grim, learnt my medical skills. Hands on. In the field."

"A navy man?"

"Yes Sir, a surgeon Lieutenant,"

"My father was a Naval man, died many years ago. I had always intended to follow in his steps but uhh life brought me her own challenges shall we say, it certainly would bring me some joy to... keep the Naval in the family, or the family in the Navy as it were." He chuckled "Of course we are far off from that sort of talk."

"Yes sir."

"How long were you in the Navy?"

"Ten years, sir." 

"Ten years my goodness, and then I suppose your skills and history brought you to Port Victory?"

"Yes, The Hospital had just lost its surgeon when I arrived, so I very much took up the role."

"I see, I see." he nodded, "You Know Dawkins, I see you as very much a self-made man, that something you'd agree with?"

"Yes, certainly so sir." 

"Good man." My father said his hands together on his desk with a wide smile that wouldn't leave him, "I have always thought of myself as a self-made man. Men like us Dawkins, we crawl ourselves up with our nails to get where we want to be, No matter the cost, No matter the time, No matter the pain. I see a lot of myself In you Dawkins."

"Thank you Mr Everset, that uhh that is a compliment I shall treasure." 

"I must say, this has been a fantastic afternoon," He nodded, My father glanced at me questioningly and I gave him a smile, "If I may be so bold as to extend you an invitation to dinner on Thursday." 

"Ohh yes absolutely, I'd be delighted Mr Everset, I would be thrilled to attend."

"Excellent, I'm sure we'll talk more of this then."

"Is Uhh is that all sir?" Jack spoke up, 

"All?"

"I uhh I assumed we uhh we would perhaps discuss things?"

"We have discussed what we need to today, I'm sure we can discuss more at dinner on Thursday."

"Yes sir, forgive me I-"

"It's alright, I know my daughter is... Excited about you. I assume then you are of her too?"

Jack blushed, "I undoubtedly am sir," 

"Alright, we will discuss it on Thursday." He said, "Pleasure to spend the time with you Dr Dawkins, and I look forward to seeing you Thursday."

"As do I, thank you, sir." 

They shook hands and he kissed Miss Hardcastle's hand, and then he took my own with a smile,

"I look forward to seeing you again Miss Everset," 

"As do I Dr Dawkins," I smiled 

He kissed my hand and was led away with the maid and Miss Hardcastle. 

My father glared at me as soon as we were alone. "He's an... Interesting gent."

"That he is father,"

"After today, is he still at the top of your list?"

"Yes."

"Do you still have... ambitions for him to court you?"

"I do."

"Very well, he certainly has ambitions to court you, that much is obvious." he laughed, "We will... touch on the topic at dinner on Thursday and if he wants to court you he can come to me the shortest courtship I'll allow is six months."

"You'll really allow us to court after just my ball and two evenings?"

"Y/n. My sweet." he chuckled, "I'm not stupid." 

"Father?"

"I'm not stupid Y/n. You two are sweet on one another even a blind man can see as much. and I know... you two have spoken outside of these realms."

"I uhh I uhh-"

"Don't try to deny it," he chuckled,

"I won't. Did Miss-"

"No. Do you really think I wouldn't have taken notice, when I so clearly see my daughter is in love? and thus kept more tabs on her than I would have normally."

"I am sorry Father I-"

"Don't be sorry my sweet." He smiled, "I know how young love works." he smiled, "I will allow courtship as soon as he asks for it. It would be foolish to force you to be apart when you are merely to sneak away anyway." 

"Thank you, Daddy," I smiled rushing over to give him a tight hug, 

"It's alright My sweet. Love... it's a magical thing. You remember what I told you the day of your Ball?"

I smiled and repeated his words back, "When you see him, when you speak to him when you and him touch hands, there should be this... spark that makes you believe you're the only two people in the world"

"And even I can see, the moment he touches your hand, for both of you it's like you're all that exists?"

"It is the father."

"I knew so." he laughed, "But mostly because..." he said as he took my chin gently, "You Give Dr. Dawkins, The very look that I once saw in your mother when she used to look at me." He said getting choked up, "And the very look I see on him is that which I used to witness in the mirror whenever I looked, or even thought of your mother." He smiled, "If this is the man you want, I could not bare stand in your way." He said, "Go on now, up to bed my sweet."

"Thank you, Father, Goodnight."

"Goodnight," He smiled giving my head a kiss, 

I smiled as I did some drawings before bed, still in a frenzy from this afternoon. 

When I heard a stone click as it graced my balcony glass. 

I didn't want to believe it at first but I so hoped it to be true, I went to the window just as another stone found its way to the glass. Quickly I opened the door and scurried out onto my balcony a small ledge only just large enough to stand myself, beside the tall tree where the bird's nest sat. 

I looked across the darkness and saw a figure in the grass,

"Y/n! My darling!"

"Jack!" I hushed, "Quiet! My governess is merely two windows down and even father is not far, You cannot be so loud, we both know the trouble if someone found you here."

"I know, I'm sorry. But... I couldn't stay away." 

"Ohh My sweet Jack," I cooed sitting on the stone and making sure my nightie hid me away, "You did so well tonight, I am so proud of you."

"Thank you, I did my best to... Impress your father, I'm not so sure he liked me."

"He likes you very much, He wouldn't have invited you to dinner if he hadn't"

"I suppose not, I look forward to it so much."

"As do I."

"I assume he has spoken with you?"

"He has, at dinner things will be discussed and after that, if you come to him, our courtship will be permitted."

"Truly?"

"Truly. He seems rather taken with you."

"I'm glad I could impress him enough to make him think I am worthy of his daughter." 

"He thinks so, he says he sees a look in you that he saw in himself back when he saw my mother."

"I don't doubt it, I know I... struggle not to look at you, to hide my feelings for you. I hope if we are to court soon my feelings do not need to be such a secret."

"I hope so too." I smiled, 

"Will you... allow me to see you again? between tonight and Thursday dinner?"

"I will Jack," I blushed, "I admit... it was hard this evening to see you in my home and yet be forbidden to hold your hand."

"You have no idea, seeing you across the room. I could barely keep my eyes off you. Knowing all I wanted was to go over take you in my arms, kiss you and tell you how I adore you my darling."

"I hope soon, we will be able to do so."

"I'm sure we will, but until then I do not mind visiting my darling as she sits bathed in moonlight," He smiled, "Bright angel, for thou art, As glorious to this night, being o'er my head, As is a wingèd messenger of heaven. Unto the white upturnèd wondering eyes Of mortals that fall back to gaze on him"

I couldn't help my giggles, "Dr Dawkins? I do believe you are reciting that of Romeo and Juliet." 

"well, How could I not? when I find myself below your balcony?"

"I would not for the world they saw thee here."

"I have night's cloak to hide me from their eyes, And but thou love me, let them find me here. My life was better ended by their hate, Than death proroguèd, wanting of thy love."

"Ohh Jack," I blushed, "I did not imagine you as one to have read Shakespeare much less Romeo and Juliet. At least not to this familiarity." 

"You'd be surprised what you find time for on a ship for ten years." he chuckled, "You seem to know it fondly?"

"A young lady was always encouraged to read the plays,"

"I shall have to re-read, so I may dazzle you with words."

"You have no need to Jack, You're words already dazzle me, and cause me to blush beyond measure."

"You are far too sweet to me my darling," He smiled before he blew me a kiss, 

I blushed but blew him a kiss back, 

"I cannot explain how beautiful you look, sat on your balcony for me."

"I admit, there is a handsomeness to you in the darkness below my window."

"Ohh I'm more handsome in the dark am I?"

"You know what I meant Jack," I laughed,

"I do, I think it's something of us being alone. Or perhaps that we know we are doing something we shouldn't be."

"I do think that's true." I nodded, "But... it's getting late, you have work tomorrow I do not wish to keep you up longer into the night,"

He smiled a moment but came as close as he could almost whispering in the darkness, "O, wilt thou leave me so unsatisfied?"

I giggled and acted up my best formal tone, "What satisfaction canst thou have tonight?"

"I think we both know the kind of satisfaction I would want, be it something we could do."

"Ohh My..." I blushed, "Doctor Dawkins..."

"But for tonight I will be satisfied with just one kiss." 

"...I think I can allow that," I blushed, 

He wasted no time, climbing the tree, I admit I worried for him but also was impressed by his agility, he climbed onto a branch a little too low to make the jump onto my balcony but he was close enough, so I held the stone and leant as far as I could before my feet would leave my balcony and he stretched up as much as he could which was enough for our lips to meet.

It felt like the sweetest kiss we had shared, when we pulled back I felt like I was flying.

"Whoa..." he gulped, "I don't know how but every kiss keeps getting better."

"I feel the same," I smiled, "Goodnight Jack,"

"Goodnight Y/n, sleep well my dearest. I will see you soon I promise."

"I will wait, for my Romeo to return, Impatiently" 

He chuckled, "I promise it will be as soon as I can, How could I ever leave my Juliet all alone too long" he smiled giving my lips a sweet kiss before he climbed down the tree and blew me a kiss, I blew him a kiss in return before he headed away disappearing into the night. 

[artist-of-dawn]

So High School

Chapter 2: "Tangerine? TANGERINE"

Next: "Holy arms"

Masterlist

a/n: fun facts apparently turned into confessionals and free rent living in each character's head

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"So? Whaddaya say?" Samu raises his head and asks with a little smirk.

"I say you better tell me why you look seconds away from plotting a murder. Most probably mine. Is this poisoned?" I gestured towards the last piece of strawberry mochi left on the plate.

"Ya ask that after the 7th piece?" I shrugged.

"It's really good. I say you should go for it." He nodded and left most probably to greet some customers while I fell deep in thought.

Nostalgia has been a lot more present in the last few days, and it got to me. I can't say that I miss home physically, but the warmth and radiance it brough. We've all made great memories here, but I cannot help but feel like something's missing.

I am usually not one to say I regret things I didn't do, it's a consolation price that I didn't make a fool of myself and the thought that I should be grateful for the choices I made still holds me together in some sense. But my resistance seems to slowly crumble at one tiny tiny question: if I did something-if one thing had been different, would everything be different today? Would my courage be rewarded with the warmth of a beating heart and a beaming smile, or would it be crushed by rotten delusion?

I pride myself by loving freely, but I have always been somewhat afraid of things that cross the borders of friendship, and I beileve that the only other thing that may best this fear is the slight ache for the warmth of feeling. But I'm turning 20 soon, should this be so hard? Should I still be afraid? I take a bite of the last mochi and make my way to change the music. I glance at the door and the restaurant is mostly empty. Perfect.

What could possibly fit better than "The 1" ?

°•I guess you never know, never know

And if you wanted me, you really should've showed

And if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow

And it's alright now

But we were something, don't you think so?

Roaring 20s, tossing pennies in the pool

And if my wishes came true

It would've been you

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I guess you never know, never know

And it's another day waking up alone

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I, I, I persist and resist the temptation to ask you

If one thing had been different

Would everything be different today?•°

I rest my head on one of the counters, absorbing the meliodic melancholy of the song, up until I hear a voice simmilar to Samu's screaming from the restaurant.

"Oi! Cut off that depressive shit!" Shit. Atusmu's here.

It's not that I have anything against the guy, but he sucks a lot at flirting.

"Shaddap Tsumu!" Samu screamed back. Thank God. If that guy knew I was here, he'd never leave me alone until I left if he's in one of his macho moods. But before I could go back to fucking up Samu's playlist I heard a rich laugh.

"Come on Tsumu it was a nice song!" Even though the voice was slightly deeper I could never mistake it.

Now, I am not one to make any rash decisions, but....This is not my proudest moment. At least the brooms in the closet are pink.

Nope.

There is no way.

Last time I checked the dude was in Brazil trying out beach volleyball.

No fucking way I just saw red hair while bolting to the closet.

Nope.

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Fun facts:

- the movie night went well, everyone was in high spirits and the atmosphere was chaotically joyful, yachi was unable to stay till and squeacked every 5 minutes, tsukishima smiled a couple of times after receiving his little dino sketch from yn, shimizu and samu exchanged some recepies and koushi insisted on self care masks while watching the film.

-yn basically screeched while running towards the nearest closet and later wondered how in the hell no one heard her. Her breath was cut short when she realised who was on the other side of the wall.

-yn always refrained of romance because she was utterly afraid of it, of the rawness and wilderness. She liked stable, quiet and melodic. But everything changed once she got into karasuno high. She secretly wished he would say something, afraid that the shine in his eyes wasn't reserved for her and was a usuality for him. Yes. She wore his jersey and rooted for him. And he looked happy.

In case you wanna listen to the whole song:

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"I wanna find you in a crowd

Just to hide from you"

[theaceofdragons]

Have a weird little Royai modern fantasy AU excerpt

(I'm feeling really bad about myself as a writer and I want to share something I actually like. If you like it too, please let me know because I could seriously use the dopamine boost)

Thank you to @goneadrift and @dairogo for useful comments!

Good morning, this is Oakenwald University Radio and I'm Kain Fuery. As most of you already know, a body was found last night on the edge of campus, between April and Cadwallis Streets. We have an update from the Resembool County Police, who suspect the death wasn't accidental. They'll be releasing the victim's name once the family has been notified, and there was no comment on whether this could be related to the library break-in. We'll keep you updated as we learn more, and students and faculty are encouraged to keep an eye on your phones and email and listen to this station for updates, and to travel in groups and follow instructions from campus security. If you have any information that might be useful to the investigation, please call ###-###-####. Evening classes will be online for at least the next week, so check your email for details. We'll have an interview with Julie Adler from campus security at one this afternoon, and we'll be discussing how you can stay safe on campus and in town.

Resembool County Courier, May 5th, 20XX

Body Found on Oakenwald Campus Identified

Police have identified the man found dead on the Oakenwald campus on Sunday.

63-year-old Berthold Hawkeye's identity  was released this afternoon after police were unable to locate his next of kin. Police also confirmed that Dr. Hawkeye's death was not a result of natural causes, and that they had reason to believe it was also not a "random event." Detectives are continuing to investigate, and say there is currently no suspect information. Anyone with pertinent information, or who saw or heard anything suspicious Sunday night, should call ###-###-####.

Correction (1:32PM): An earlier version of this article referred to Dr. Hawkeye as Mr. Hawkeye.

ROY MUSTANG, 2:08 PM

Do you remember when I told you about Riza?

MAES HUGHES, 2:08 PM

I don't think so

Wait is that the girl who went missing

ROY MUSTANG, 2:08 PM

Yeah.

The dead man they found was her father.

MAES HUGHES, 2:09 PM

Didn't see that coming

Did you look for her this year

ROY MUSTANG, 2:11 PM

I did my annual social media sweep

The police couldn't find her either.

MAES HUGHES, 2:12 PM

I'm sorry, Roy

Do you want to talk?

ROY MUSTANG, 2:15 PM

I have to finish this paper.

MAES HUGHES, 2:15PM

Call me any time.

Resemblool County Medical Examiner's Office - Autopsy Report

AUTOPSY REPORT PERFORMED BY: Sarah Rockbell, MD

…cause of death appears to be a single stab wound at the midline, the force of the blow fractured the sternum. Further examination revealed roots embedded into the subject’s heart, which has been sent for DNA testing to confirm it is that of the decedent. Further assessment is on hold pending preliminary results…

CAUSE OF DEATH: Terminal damage to organs

Death Notices

Berthold Hawkeye, 63, passed away May 4th in Fieldstone, where he had previously spent five years as an assistant professor of physics at Oakenwald University. He is remembered by colleagues as a unique and brilliant man. Dr. Hawkeye is preceded in death by his wife, Nicola, with whom he has one daughter, Riza.

A memorial will be held Wednesday, March 7, at Oakenwald University’s Paracelsus Garden.

UNKNOWN NUMBER, 7:21 PM

This is Riza Hawkeye. I'm at the bus depot off E-23 and I need help. I wouldn't be bothering you if it wasn't an emergency. Can you help me?

ROY MUSTANG, 7:21 PM

This isn't funny and you have extremely bad timing

UNKNOWN NUMBER, 7:23 PM

When you were thirteen you wanted to ask a boy out and I told you the line you had planned sounded more like a marriage proposal. You got annoyed at me because you would never marry someone who couldn't even [INSERT SCIENCE THING] and gave me a serious talk about how important a commitment marriage is.

UNKNOWN NUMBER, 7:28 PM

I'm almost out of data on this prepaid. Will you help me?

ROY MUSTANG, 7:28  PM

I'm on my way

[dopeycryptid]

.: FEAR & HUNGER: TERMINA OCs :.

-x- T y s o n -x-

Tyson was born biologically female at birth, only later in life adopting his now known name. (Don't ask what his deadname is. It's dead for a reason!) His life wasn't well off; his parents were very poor, barely being able to afford a roof over their heads, let alone raising a small child. Especially during times of war. Despite the dire circumstances, his parents adored him unconditionally. Sadly, however, Tyson doesn't fully remember them due to one unfortunate evening. Their home was raided by Bremen soldiers and both were slaughtered right before the toddler's eyes.

He was oddly spared by the members of the rivaling army, only to be eventually taken in by an aristocrat, to be treated more like a slave than their child. He did, nevertheless, find solace in the nobleman's own son, acting as a sort of light in darkness. Regardless, Tyson was subjugated to several grueling years of physical and psychological abuse at the hands of his adoptive father. Until he couldn't handle it anymore. In the dead of night, while the entire estate was supposedly asleep, Tyson managed to free himself from the basement (aka his "bedroom"), carefully making his way upstairs and into his father's room.

Granted, while it would have been easier to have just grabbed a knife from the kitchen, Tyson chose a more... savage method. He strangled them with his bruised and partially calloused hands, watching as the life slowly evaporated from the aristocrat's eyes. However, once the deed was done, the bedroom lights were abruptly flipped on and in the threshold was his brother. All at once, Tyson felt the weight of what he had really done: taken a doting parent away from their child. Just like what had happened to him in his own past. Unable to breathe an apology to his brother, Tyson fled into the night. And he kept running too; after all, once word got back to Bremen authorities, death would be the only answer for his sins.

But, as days had turned into weeks, he knew he would eventually run himself ragged. And in a strange turn of events, he found a solution: the train. He had to get as far away from Bremen territory as possible, and quickly too. Although he had no way of paying for a ticket, Tyson slipped onto the back of the last boxcar as the train began to take off from the station. Once on, he'd planned on meandering farther up the train and make himself more cozy until he spotted a Bremen soldier, so he hunkered down within the luggage. What Tyson wasn't aware of was that soldier would end up being the least of his problems, seeing as this train was headed straight to a little town known as Prehevil.

-x- C e c i l -x-

Cecil hails from a small village on the outskirts of the Kingdom of Rondon, and to put it bluntly, his life was pretty fair starting off. During most of his adolescence, he was brought into the city by his parents, who were heavily religious in the worship of Alll-mer; the only down side to his happy and comfortable way of living. As he got older, he grew tired of the constant pressure of prayer and gradually began seeking interest in other things, like the occult (much to his parents' eventual dismay). However, his content life would soon turn into a misfortunate one once the war started and his father left home to aid the resistance against the Bremen army.

His father was inevitably killed, and Cecil knew it was only a matter of time before he too would be drafted. The idea of death and bloodshed frightened him to his core. His mother, also feeling the same and not wanting to lose her only child, convinced him to flee into the countryside. Cecil pleaded with his mother to come with, but she was certain she'd only slow him down. So, begrudgingly and in an act of cowardice, he left home to evade an overall consuming war. While on his own, he would hop from job to job just to make himself a living, but also the ideology of the occult still lingered in the back of his mind and he'd spend hours of his free time occupying estranged books.

Years seemed to drag by and eventually the fighting between countries began to peter off, and once it was all completely over, Cecil deemed it fit to finally return home. With what little savings he'd managed to hold onto, he bought himself a ticket. A quick and easy way back home, he thought. However, when the time came and in the midst of his hurrying, he'd just so happened to have boarded the wrong train. And little to his knowledge, that train would make its way deep into Bohemia, towards a quiet and eerie town called Prehevil, where his life would turn for the absolute worst.

[jello-fello]

Sorry for asking, but

Are you ever going to post on ao3 again?

ty!

yes and no? i have no intentions of posting fanfics specifically (at least RN i can say that), but id like to post original work if there was an audience interested. there's been a major genre shift in the stories i want to write now lol (Cough. slasher psychological thriller / "Is this supernatural or is it psychological" type of story)

i will say tho that i will not be finishing unfinished fics currently on my ao3 rn, sorry. it's just been too long, i'm not really in any of those fandoms currently so i'd have to like. MAJORLY refresh both the source material And my fics and i dont have the spoons desire or time to do that lol. and i will not be writing fics for BNHA ever again in general (however i think its hilarious izuku lowkey looks like a bootleg regen izuku in canon now lmfao)

however! Until we can figure out what wrong w my joints and health i'm physically unable to make any art lol. i type 8 hrs a night at work and even thats excruciatingly painful, so i kind of Especially don't feel like i can write as a hobby now

as of rn. we think its a combo of arthritis and ehlers danlos. shrug who knows.

and health and stuff aside. i am not the same person as i was when i wrote those fics. not be dramatic but im so serious lmfao. theres such a drastic shift in my mentality and beliefs and thoughts that if i were to continue those stories Now i think i would sincerely ruin them. i think the sudden shift in how i write and tell stories would just pull away from the story and i just plain dont want that, you know? and on top of it i DO NOT remember where the hell i intended for any of my fics to go or where i even left off

ALSO ALSO ALSO i've become like. obsessed with being chronically Offline. which. btw sorry if this ask was sitting for a while i have not logged in since the last time i said smth i think i sincerely do not recall

IF i did post fanfics on ao3. ngl. it'd SO be dunmeshi. Laios <3

anyways hope that answers your question and im sorry it answered like 12 other things you literally Did not ask lmfao okay bye!!!!

[dramatisperscnae]

hal has heard it from john that kyle has the habit of expressing affection through exchanging music. during his time as the last lantern the architect had been a close friend and companion, so he is as reliable as a source as possible. of course, that gave the older man an idea and though maybe it may come across as old fashioned, he latches onto it as fast as it comes to him.

he finds a co-worker at his current temporary job willing to burn the cd for him, though they eye him like he is a bizarre relic of lost times, bothering with physical cds, but they don't ask questions. by night, during one of their casual meetings at warriors, hal manages to pull kyle aside just for long enough to slip him his gift, inconspicuous enough.

"heard from john you like music, right? so i figured i could be nosey and give you this, kid." they are an item already and he needs no pretense to gift him, but there's a certain charm to these little stolen moments, so he keeps to them. "listen when you're alone. i'll drop by after i'm done with work," which would probably take a week or less, this whole freelance pilot business, "so you can tell me what you thought of it."

Quite honestly, Kyle adores the little stolen moments Hal manages to find for them. They're absolutely not necessary, sure - he and Hal have been together for a while now, even if neither one of them has really put a label on what they are - but the brief moments of affection or intimacy in an otherwise public setting appeal to the romantic in his soul.

Today is no different, Kyle unable to hide his fond smile as Hal pulls him aside to slip a CD, of all things, into his hand. It's blank, just the words For Kyle scribbled on it in Hal's by-now-familiar handwriting. "Sure…" A mix CD? Has to be; if it was all one band, Hal would've just bought the album someplace and given that to him. "Thanks."

It takes him a while to dig out his old Discman - and oh but doesn't that just bring back some nostalgia - and a while longer to find batteries for the thing, but soon enough he's settled in, sketchbook in hand, with the CD playing. The opening chords of the first song are almost immediately recognizable, Kyle unable to help the fond grin as his pencil starts skating over the paper. Bruce Springsteen might not be his usual jam, but it's impossible not to at least be familiar with the man's songs if you like music.

The second song has his pencil pausing for a moment as he glances down at the Discman. It could be a coincidence, having two songs with such a similar theme back to back, but then again…

Once is chance. Two is coincidence. Three is a pattern.

As soon as the third song's lyrics register Kyle just lets his head fall back against the couch, a probably dopey smile on his face. "Hal, you didn't…"

But he did. Kyle knows he did. If the third song hadn't clinched it the fourth one does, and even has tears starting in his eyes as soon as he hears Elvis's voice croon softly through his headphones. He can remember his mother singing along to this song when he was younger, and he can't resist silently singing along himself now. Take my hand, take my whole life too; for I can't help falling in love with you.

That refrain is all it takes to send a sudden spark of inspiration straight to his brain. Kyle's suddenly sitting back up, CD still playing, some part of his mind still listening as his pencil flows across the paper to sketch out the basic shape of the idea he just had. Is it sappy and stupidly romantic? Sure it is. Is it something that will ever happen? God, who knows; he doesn't know how Hal would feel about the idea, but he knows that he'd feel more than a little uncertain himself.

The only dancing Kyle knows how to do isn't exactly the slow kind, after all.

Kyle only pauses twice in his work once he has a clear vision in mind: once to ensure that his Discman is set to keep the CD playing on loop, and once to move into his studio to more fully bring that vision to life. A base sketch is all well and good, but this needs to be a fully realized piece.

Time and the outside world cease to exist as he works, the music flowing through his earphones keeping him focused and perfectly in the zone. Pencil to set the general outline, then pastel pencils to build on that base. Background, foreground, base colors, shadows, highlights…gradually the scene takes shape on the paper in front of him.

A large hall in an Art Deco style with richly paneled white and deep malachite-green walls lit by silver sconces and an elegant chandelier, with a polished wooden floor. On a stage in the background, a band - piano, upright bass, drummer, guitar, violin, trombone, singer - all in black tie. Hints of a crowd in the midground, including some mutual acquaintances - Guy's red hair stands out in one corner, laughing about something with John, while on the opposite side a pair that look suspiciously like Oliver Queen and Dinah Lance study what might be a buffet table.

But all of that pales against the couple in the foreground. Two men share a dance, the only ones on the dance floor; they seem almost to glow in the light from the chandelier above them. The taller is clearly leading, his warm brown hair brushed neatly back, Cambridge gray suit perfectly tailored to his broad shoulders and athletic form; the shorter has his black hair artfully mussed, a black shirt and slacks beneath an emerald waistcoat accenting his leaner build. It's clear to any onlooker the feelings they hold for each other, their eyes locked in a gaze full of love and adoration; each believes the other hung the very stars in the sky.

By the time Kyle surfaces from his focus it's almost dawn, the windows of his apartment beginning to brighten as light returns to the world. He stretches, surprised to hear his back pop like bubble wrap getting stepped on, and studies his handiwork with a small smile. Maybe he'll get this one framed before Hal gets back…he'll have to think about that. For now, there's a coffee maker in the kitchen that's calling his name.

The Discman, still playing its lone CD without interruption, gets carried right along for the trip.

[dualityvn]

and so my suffering begins anew

'two gods' 'the paint and the canvas'

presuming that the paint and the canvas Are the two gods in question, because i doubt even you would be so cruel to throw out fake hints like that, what exactly does that mean

now to state this right out of the gate, i know like,, nothing about religions so if this has any bearing on real world religions i for one will be totally blind to it so we will be working under the assumption that it does not

so to me, the paint and the canvas seem to be descriptors of like, the purpose that a god would serve. like one would be the foundation, the mainstay, the origin, 'the canvas', while the other is the embellishment, the life, the decoration, 'the paint'. separately they don't measure up to much, the canvas is empty and boring and the paint has no where to go to display its wonder. but together they form the two halves needed to create a whole, a full, a painting.

they cannot exist to their highest degree without the other, and so they are reliant upon each other. since we know like,, nothing about them at this point i cant say if this is an arrangement that they are happy with or that they dislike or what.

i am however going to take some liberties drawing potential parallels with our main boys, Keith and Tenebris. it did not escape my detective nose that the very first hint towards this that we received was that there are two (2) gods, with Nightmare going out of her way to make the point known that there are 2 (two), much like our leading lads.

and just like Keith and Tenebris, these two also seem to be inseparable. im not making the claim that Keith and Tenebris are these two gods, but i do think they are connected in some deeper way. my mind is drawn back to 'Magic Man', (the sus guy with the scar who talked to Keith about the MC after their first meeting) because if any of the known characters would have some connection to higher divinity at this point it feels like it would be him. he's also sus and definitely knows more about the situation.

another reason i dont think 'paint' and 'canvas' refer to Keith and Tenebris directly is because im having a hard time isolating either of them to those roles. that could just be because im writing this at 1 am but im not sure. i guess Keith could be considered for the role of canvas because they are both in his body, and Tenebris is the more 'bright' and 'noticeable' of the two, considering the fact that he's literally blue, but it just doesn't feel right since i think those terms are meant to refer to the gods more than the boys.

maybe its like a,, like a chosen vessel thing. like the gods pointed at poor Keith in his mothers stomach and poor Tenebris in a field somewhere and said "yooo this is gonna be funken sick and also poetically line up so well" and just yanked Tenebris into Keiths body so that they could have a physical representation of themselves on earth for some deep reason. or maybe just for kicks, who knows. i certainly don't. i never know until i manage to throw enough pasta at the wall that some of it sticks and im left there alone in my kitchen with pasta water on the floor and a mess that im going to have to clean up at some point.

i digress. if my last point is at least somewhere in the realm of reality then we will maybe finally be close to starting to figure out my last big question from my first round as theory anon, "why and how did this happen to Keith and Tenebris in the first place". Until this point there has been absolutely nothing to even begin trying to ponder that question, but the idea that there are two (2) gods that seem to be unable to exist without the other, the symbolism is just to yummy for it to not be related

for now tho, i am cold and tired and it is now 1:15 and i started this at like 12:30 so im putting a pin in this until Nightmare responds to this aks with the usual cyrptic answers that are always Just Enough to get me thinking. i am going to bed good night

Long theory asks are always so yummy. But you're right! The canvas is the one that created the structure, rules and everything that keeps things together. The paint made colors, emotions, smells, tastes, sensations, the differences between species, and what makes each creature, plant, rock or grain of sand unique.

And no, Keith and Tenebris are not gods. The gods don't really come up in the game at all. It's just world lore that may become important in other games :)

[multiplicity-positivity]

Sorry this isn't exactly positivity but I had a question. We had a split show up pretty suddenly last night and he's been fronting with me for about 24 hours now. He's a fictive that we didn't expect to show up, but he's not nearly as... Intense I guess, as his source counterpart? So there's not much friction between us and I don't mind him being around, he's not hostile or anything,

But the entire time he's been here, our chronic pain has felt worse, we've had an awful migraine that fades between "that really hurts but I can kinda tolerate it" to "I need complete darkness and silence and if I even blink too hard I get stabs of pain", we were basically unable to wake up after going to sleep, basically crashed for 14 hours straight and any time we'd wake up for a few minutes we would have really awful pain flares and barely be able to keep our eyes open before we passed out again, and our body tempature has been spiking on and off to the point that we go to bed shivering and wake up drenched in sweat.

This isn't exactly unheard of for us, we do have several physical disabilities that could have led to this just being a really awful flare up, but the timing seems really odd to me, and we normally get more warning that we're going to have a bad flare, we don't just jump straight from a 6 to a 10, if that makes sense? So I'm wondering if splitting could have something to do with it (we also usually notice better when a split is coming up but this time it was more like he showed up and *then* we got all the symptoms all at once?) or if a spedcific headmate could somehow be triggering a massive body response like this? Sorry if this is kind of all over the place it's hard to focus right now

Hi! I’m so sorry we’re just now getting to this a week after you sent it - we hope you’re doing okay!

It sounds to us like pain, stress, fever, or some other sort of negative physical symptom could have caused this split. This fictive may also be a symptom holder, meaning their role in your system would be to feel particular symptoms as a means of protecting other alters.

The most important thing we can say to you is please see a doctor. If your pain is becoming unbearable and you’re having worse migraines and a fluctuating fever, there may be something physical going on that you aren’t yet aware of. Even if your pain is slightly better now, but still comes around when this headmate fronts, it could be an indication that something deeper or worse is going on.

Sometimes unmet mental needs or poor mental health can manifest in physical ways (IBS and CFS arising as trauma responses, for example). If you’ve seen a doctor and they aren’t able to help you pinpoint a physical cause, it may be necessary for you to seek mental health treatment (meds, therapy, or a combination of the two). You shouldn’t have to struggle or deal with this on your own, and seeking help from a trainer professional may provide some insight as to what’s going on!

Last but not least, have you tried asking this fictive if they have any ideas as to what could be going on? Did they arrive with source memories or exotrauma which could be exacerbating preexisting symptoms? Do they have any insight to this situation that they could share with you? It may be worth it to ask!

This is probably the extent of the advice we’re able to offer you. We genuinely hope you and your system are able to receive the help and care you need and start feeling better soon! Best of luck with everything!

🌸 Margo and 🖋 Cecil

[struggling-to-find-home]

Tw: vent.

The house is a mess.

Usually, I'm always good with upkeep, no matter how I complain about it. It makes sense - the only thing I hate more than cleaning is cleaning up a lot, which means I try to keep my messes up to a bearable level.

Well... Tried.

The house is a mess. The alarm rings for 6 am sharp. I drag myself out of bed and get ready in a zombie-like fashion, stumbling over the random shit on the floor of the room, and try to make breakfast from the pathetic state of my fridge.

Everything in my life is literally falling apart - I had to replace all my school supplies, a bunch of clothes, and shoes, all because mine are physically disintegrating - so the selection of food is slim.

The house is a mess.

And you know, I try, I really do, but when you come home from 9 hours spent in the university and you have to prepare for another nine hours and the deadlines keep running out on you? Cleaning, and dishes, and laundry, start being a priority only when you're physically out of clean clothes. I want to sleep. I can't. I have six days of full-time university and a mandatory 10am meeting on Sunday.

I had an allergy flare up from stress. The skin on my fingers has broken apart, rendering me unable to write - which means the work just keeps on snowballing, and I keep not doing it, because just holding a pen hurts.

I have around 40 pages of the microbiology textbook to fill out. It is one class out of the ten I have weekly (not including the mandatory daily lectures). I'm going to spend a holiday weekend - three days, a miracle - doing only that.

The house is a mess.

They don't tolerate sickness, they don't tolerate being late, they don't tolerate being present but not answering questions, they don't tolerate being present and answering questions in a way they don't like. 2/3 questions correct is a C, 3/3 questions correct is a B, the professor's eyes gleam with joy as he announces eight failing grades in a row, the microbiology department forces you to memorise 120 pages of facts in three days.

At this point, I'm pretty sure they just hate students. They call us lazy, stupid, slow, horrible, unfit for the profession, unfixable, worthless, tell us our hair is wrong, our nails are wrong, our voice, tone and inflection is wrong, our gestures are wrong, our movement is wrong, and we just have to sit there and take it.

Even the smart kids stopped caring. I was never one of the smart kids, so instead of not caring, I'm thinking of dropping out.

The house is a mess.

This week was shitty, no, worse than that. I barely slept three hours a night. Between Wednesday and Thursday, I slept two. I consumed as many energy drinks as I did the entire two months leading up to this mess, and spent the entirety of Halloween trying to keep my eyes open.

My house is a mess.

My friend got engaged this week. Another one had a blast partying. Another one went on two dates. All I did was rot somewhere in-between the classrooms, alone.

Well, not exactly alone... There's other third years. We're all in this together, after all. All of them with rich and colourful lives and girlfriends and boyfriends and actual passion and reason to smile day to day. I've gotten quieter recently, like a light in my eyes got snuffed out. I doubt anyone noticed; maybe that's because compared to every other year, even the sparklers look haggard and tired.

And I hate to admit it, but it's so... Boring. Last year, while a fucking mess filled with more drama than a riverdale season, was at least interesting. Now, you're either monotonously reading books or monotonously getting tortured. Even that gets old fast.

But maybe that's just a me problem. I tried getting on a dating app a few days ago, and figured out that I didn't have any good photos, nor could I figure out what to write about myself. "Hi, I'm Struggling, an absolute failure in everything I try to do and the only reason why I'm doing this is because I crave to feel something, anything, instead of monotony. Toxic, manipulative or looking for a quick no strings attached fling? Come here, and let's ruin each other phycologically!" is a horrible fucking pitch. No wonder I'm so lonely, I'm literally the worst option possible.

The house is a mess.

When I come home thursday after having to sit through a 2,5 hour hygeine lab, a pharmacology test and a lecture in which we get yelled at for two hours, I try to study, or clean, or do anything useful, but I am unsuccessful.

On Friday, I sleep through eight alarms and wake up at 8:40. Curse, internally, stop caring after a minute of two. In the class I'm not in, a professor yells at my groupmate for sitting wrong. I get breakfast - literally just a cup of tea this time - and start packing my bag.

I say to myself, I'll clean when I get back.

It's 10:30pm. My eyes are closing by themselves. I haven't cleaned yet. I'm exhausted.

The house is a mess.

[phantalgia]

Untitled - 10/29/24

Been spending some time with my old friend that I've been missing for a while. And...these experiences, even if they're only online, are something other worldly. It's dreamy, it's something I have never experienced before.

Last night, I was crying my eyes out because I was having emotions and feelings that were indescribable. It was like I was tripping on some substance as well. But no, this was all real, all sober. The best way I could describe the feeling is this: confusion, chaos, every emotion at once, tingling sensations in your body, fireworks going off in your mind.

I think the big thing here is just what I haven't been able to have which is a meaningful connection and a sense of being on the same wavelength as someone. Sometimes even literally. It's not that I didn't or don’t have other connections that are meaningful. Just that this one is different.

I don’t understand all of this. And it's a lot to process the things that are happening. It might take some time. But I think I recognized that these feelings and emotions are things that I have been avoiding or unable to get access to for a long time. Especially at a reciprocal level.

I need to think, what makes this one different? Sure, we relate on more physical things. But is it just that? I don’t think so, at least not entirely. We do relate on world views and such. A drive for more things out of life. I can tell. I always could...

But this still doesn't answer what makes this so different. Moments where I have been vulnerable with people have felt tense. And that tension does still exist. There is still some fear about things that makes you wonder if they'll still accept you. Perhaps it is just similar wavelengths? But it also feels like I got something that I should have gotten but didn't.

When I’m with other friends. I’m able to talk about things that bother me and be vulnerable. But there is something there where there isn't something I’m vibing with. Perhaps it's just that we don't feel something that I’m feeling with this other person that they're also feeling.

Is it just a short term high I’m getting from reclaiming a lost meaningful connection? Because that could cloud things a bit. I also don’t want to lose those moments. So I keep thinking about them and not taking them for granted. Perhaps it's that intent that makes it powerful?

The night before I cried. They showed me their art they did. And I zoomed in on their abstract art and just scanned it for a full hour. I was finding little stories in them. And finding that those little stories are much bigger. Or maybe I would return to the same spot and see something different. I described these things. They told me that nobody has ever looked that intently at their art.

I’m still not getting any closer to an answer. Perhaps it's just as simple as they provide safety for me. Fill a gaping hole that needed to be filled. I don’t know. There's a lot to understand. A world of mystery to unpack.

But what does this mean for me? Well, maybe I can let go of some baggage. I can know that there's people out there for me. That I have a place to return to when I need it. That maybe I can let go of this obsession and actually let myself be open for other connections. Maybe stop being so closed off and behind a barrier. Or feel like things are cloudy or static. I'd like this to be a moment where I can let things go and keep going. Finding new connections.

One of the songs I was thinking of that I wanted to play for them was Come Down To Us by Burial. I haven't yet. But maybe this song is the key to understanding the way I feel. The themes of fear, taking risks, love, believing in what is possible, feeling lost, acceptance are all core to the song.

Excuse me I’m lost. Who are you? Why would you come to me?

Feeling lost and hopeless. I turned to this person. Maybe not necessarily for love, although that's part of it. But something more. A drive for life? I think that's it. I feel lost, and having me see them and them see me is strange. Why would you come to me? Because I want something.

let yourself go, don't be afraid To trust in you and Going "go"

This is the feeling of letting some things go. And making this jump to speak with them again.

"You love me?"

This is the realization that I am allowed to be loved. That I’m accepted for who I am and I can therefore accept myself. That through my flaws I can find safety in love and go into the unknown with its guiding light.

Unlock the love Key and lock Want the love "sorry I ran away" Just to be me You

This elaborates on my latter part. But there's the apology "sorry I ran away". Apologizing for what I did to them. Apologizing to myself for who I was. Just to be us again, to be me, to have them be them. Using that love as the guiding light. And I’m not talking necessarily in a romantic sense. But just a general love of something bigger. Can I apply that to myself? Can I keep fighting?

There's something out there!

After this part is a sample of one of the Wachowski sisters talking about being transgender. She highlights the idea that this world can be used to imagine things beyond our current one. Applying it individually and collectively. This part and "there's something out there!" had been parts sticking out in my head right now. I think that's the feeling I’m getting. That there is something out there. Something more I can get out of life. I don’t know what it is. But these experiences have made me realize that they're out there. Something more beyond my own prison. Something in the sea of life.

To conclude for now, I guess I don’t know 100% of what these feelings are. But I’m being reminded or maybe taken in the right direction with Come Down To Us as an idea.

[tranquilwilds]

Hello! I wanted to ask for advice for some fictionkin stuff? I tend to have a lot of negative feelings when I'm in a certain kinshift, and my kinshifts lasts for days.

Examples of this is one of my kins have a sorta mix feelings about what I did, and the mix feelings and anger and confusion all just makes me wanna throw things, cry, and all of the above. I'm not gonna ask for help for everything, but some tips to just help ease the anger and feelings a bit will be amazing! If you don't want to for any reason, that's alright too!

So sorry this took me a while to get to! I had to really think about this one! This is a LONG one so i’m going to put it under the cut!

I have been in a similar circumstance before. Rather than anger, though, it came out as melancholy and some level of self-hatred. I will be operating my advice based on this experience.

It took a while for me to adjust to these feelings, but eventually I came to a realization. I am here now, in this body, this mind, and I am living this life. I am not living that life. Whether you view that life as real or not, it is no longer the present. Constantly focusing on the past and every little action you took will drive you crazy. It’s like being unable to think of anything but your most embarrassing moments late at night, those thoughts do not serve you and do not help you.

So, what can you do about this?

It depends from person to person, but I will try to include some tips or exercises, overthinking is tough, but you can manage it, and eventually with less of the overthinking clouding your judgement, you can learn to forgive yourself, or at the very least find some sense of peace and acceptance. The past is in the past, you can not go back and fix it, but you can learn from those experiences and move forward as an improved person.

Try journaling (I know, everyone says to journal all the time, but it doesn’t have to be overcomplicated!). Whenever these thoughts start to come up, pause, bring out a note or a physical journal, whatever works for you, and write down the thought, then how you are responding to said thought. What is it making you feel? And how are you expressing those feelings outwardly? Why do you think you feel that way? Looking back on this later can help you rethink the moment and gain a new perspective on your emotions.

Try taking a step back and thinking bigger picture. How will this memory/thought affect you in a year? Two years? Five years? What is this doing to help you or those you may have wronged? Tormenting yourself does nothing to help you, forgive yourself, and learn to live with compassion.

If you are very bothered and want to make up for your actions in some sense, try volunteering. It can make a big impact and also help settle your mind. Even small actions can hugely help the world and your community.

Take time to acknowledge the good things you did/do. Don’t focus only on negatives, it will send you straight into a downward spiral.

Try to practice kind selfishness once a day, this is something i think everyone should do! Think… if you get someone a gift, or hold a door for someone, they get a little point of happiness from your kind gesture. For you, not only do you get the happiness of seeing them a little happier than before, you also get the satisfaction of doing a good deed, so two happiness points for you! Sure, you’re being a little selfish by getting yourself two whole happiness points, but you’re spreading kindness at the same time, making the world just a little kinder each day.

Ground yourself to the moment. You are here and now, bring yourself back to the present moment.

Guided meditations can be very helpful. A personal favorite of mine is “Tracks To Relax” They have some really calming meditations, many are for sleep but can very much be used for simple calming. Here’s a personal favorite episode of mine: Link

I hope at least one of these ideas helps. Or at least that some of my views and thoughts could help settle your mind anon! Good luck, and feel free to visit back anytime if you need more advice!