#but anyway. it’s just not possible. i listen to hits different one time and spotify is like ur in the top 100 listens of her ur actually

[lesbianlenas]

someone PLSSSSS explain to me how spotify says my 6th most listened to artist this month is taylor swift when 1. i cannot remember the last time i listened to a taylor swift song and 2. going thru my top tracks of the month not a single taylor swift song is listed. every day my taylor swift spotify conspiracy grows not yet sure what it all means……

[giurochedadomani]

Just in case it makes anyone curious and because I cannot stop thinking about it every time these songs come on my spotify, this is what these st characters would listen if they were Spaniards (like me) 

- Max definitely, absolutely, 110% I have no proof nor doubts, Mecano. They were massive in the 80s. I think ‘running up that hill’ is meant to do a paralel between Max and El, and in order to keep the same vibes of ‘I don’t fit in’, I’d probably say ‘Me colé en una fiesta’ (I snuck in a party).

- However one of the biggest hits Mecano had was ‘Hijo de la Luna’ (Son of the moon), about a girl that promises the moon her first born in exchange of a wedding with her crush and that crush ends up murdering her because the baby comes out looking white, and with grey eyes-- like the moon and not like him. And it’s not quite the Mayfield-Hargrove’s backstory, but there’s something about the fair child whose father blames him for existing that makes me think about Billy; and also the most well known cover is a heavy metal cover, so I end up thinking about Billy and Max and their differences and the possibilities of rebuilding the bridges between them, etc. idek hijo de la luna gives me all the feelings. 

- I think that Billy would own if he could all of Baron Rojo’s discography. 

- We’re widely ignoring that while Mago de Oz is an 80s band, they didn’t have any fame until the 90s because Eddie’s the archetypical mago de oz fan. Mago de Oz has the same vibe as Nightwish? In the sense that they base their lyrics on legends, witchcraft, etc. And although Spain also had a satanic panic with roleplaying games in the 80s, I can absolutely picture jason leveling against eddie the fact that he saw him playing Fiesta Pagana with his guitar as the ultimate proof that he’s a satanic leader (🎵 Rise up, rise your fist and come to the pagan party, near the bonefire there’s stuff to drink; the people and the ruler are not the same, they have the clergy and us have our sweat 🎵  It’s a call for rebellion against the ruling class and also the most well known heavy metal song in Spain).

But also ‘La posada de los muertos’ (The inn of the dead men) gives me aaaaaaall the mungrove feelings mainly because I can imagine eddie and billy shouting-singing  🎵 Rise up your beer, let’s drink in the name of freedom, heaven may wait for you, because hell is this inn this town  🎵

And also!! I forgot. Extremoduro as Billy and Eddie’s middle point

(But also because I’m a bit soft for some pining with a good ending and extremoduro has the quintessential heavy metal spanish pining song: ‘So payaso’, Such a clown) 

Anyway, have some Spanish bangers! ;)

[ottspot]

The Highs & Lows of Switching To Physical Music - My Journey

Allow me to invite you in on my (in-progress) journey of switching from Spotify Premium to listening to all of my music ripped from CDs and digital purchases through foobar2000. I'm listening to the music I like and doing only that, while also owning what I listen to. No subscription expiration is gonna bar me from that. Read more below!

Streaming music through services like Spotify, YouTube Music, and Apple Music offers many benefits to the user. Listening to an album as soon as it releases at midnight, easily sharing playlists with friends, as well as their little "collected user data from the past year presented with a pretty little bow on top". Oh, sorry. I mean "Spotify Wrapped", "Apple Music Replay", and "YouTube Music Recap".

Though, there's also some downsides to using the services. One of them is the pricing. Spotify Premium is currently $12 a month at the time of this writing, with YouTube Music and Apple Music being priced just a dollar lower. There's also different features spread between all the different services. Spotify has its Daily Mixes, podcasts, and audio books, Apple Music and Tidal have their high quality Dolby Atmos streaming, and YouTube Music has… switching between the music video and audio. It's too much sometimes and things can be pretty bloated, especially when all you want to do is listen to music. Nothing else.

The biggest thing to me, however, is the fact that you don't own the music you stream. Once that subscription runs out, it's off to YouTube for you. And you can't even listen to music with the screen off or in picture-in-picture without a Premium subscription. Now, you can always "arrrgh matey" this shit and truly be a rebel against the system, in which case I won't stop you. Do whatever you want. The rest of this doesn't really concern you. But to those who prefer doing things more legally, then I'm about to tell you about how I started this whole journey, and how I'm going to keep going on it for as long as I want to.

How I Got Here

This first started when I got my Blu-ray drive in the mail. I just have this for DVDs and Blu-rays (and I even have a modified firmware to play 4K Blu-rays), but realized soon after getting it that there was another optical media I could take advantage of: CDs. I have a CD player already, and I could just listen to the songs on my large speakers, but this was my chance to back up and preserve what I own. Disc rot is very much a thing with CDs, and while it hasn't taken my discs yet, I don't want to risk anything. Plus, my Spotify Student plan was going to run out after I graduate. So, I did some research and tinkering to find out how to rip the songs from my CDs and listen to the music backed up on my hard drive. What I found is that a program I already used for listening to music I ripped from video games, foobar2000, was great at handling all of this. So, for the past few months I've been working to back up my collection and ultimately ditch Spotify to use it as my main music listening app. It even has an iPhone app as well! Though, in replacing Spotify, this means I've also been working to get the songs I love on CD, by whatever means possible. Discogs has been a big help with this journey, as it led me to discover different variants of albums that I had no idea existed. Did you know that while P!nk's version of "Whataya Want From Me" is readily available on streaming and digital stores, it's only on the German and Australian versions of that "Greatest Hits...So Far!!!" album? I didn't. It's one of my favorite songs from her, and now that's a release I'm looking to get my hands on soon.

This is unfortunately going to be more and more of a common practice for me as time goes on. Importing. A lot of deluxe editions of albums release only for a limited time on CD, only on vinyl, or just don't have a physical release at all... in the US, anyway. Japan has a lot of CDs of deluxe editions readily available to import from sites like CDJapan or sellers on eBay. I happen to have three examples of those (though, I only needed to import two). Midnights by Taylor Swift is a complicated mess when it comes to owning the complete experience physically, and it shouldn't have to be. The "Lavender" CD at Target is the only physical release with "Hits Different" and two remixes, while the "Late Night Edition" is the only release with any of the "3am Edition" songs, "You're Losing Me", and two different remixes, this time of "Snow on the Beach" and "Karma". The first problem with the "Late Night Edition" is that it doesn't even have all of the songs from the "3am Edition". It has 5 of the 7 bonus songs from it, omitting "Paris" and "Glitch". Now, I'm unsure if this was a storage issue with all of the songs, but they very easily could have just made it a second disc instead of trying to cram everything onto just one, and cutting songs in the process. But even then, you'll need the "Lavender" CD to have the other songs for the (almost) complete experience.

The second problem with this edition is that it was only ever sold in the US during the 2023 shows of The Eras Tour, starting in late May with East Rutherford. It wasn't even brought back for the 2024 US leg. It had small drops on Taylor's website during the 2023 holiday season and was available as a digital download for one day only, but outside of that, there is no other way to buy it in the US. It never even got a release in Europe, Australia, Mexico, Brazil... literally any other country stop on her tour. This has led to the CD rising in price ever since then, and even bootlegs being made to trick people. These are usually pretty cheap and ship from China, sporting darker colors for the front cover and inserts, as well as having an incorrect sticker on the front. People might have to (understandably) settle for these just to own the songs physically. Thankfully, there is another option, but time might be running out until their prices go up as well. Japan thankfully has a wide-release of the "Late Night Edition" that is more readily available. It comes in a 7-inch vinyl-like sleeve with a larger poster, a lyric booklet, and some even include a guitar pick. The disc contents are also completely identical to the US release. You can buy it from UMG Japan's store as well as YesAsia. eBay also has copies but for a bit more money.

The second and third examples are the deluxe editions of Olivia Rodrigo's GUTS and Sabrina Carpenter's emails i can't send. GUTS (spilled) has a vinyl release worldwide, but emails i can't send fwd: does not have a physical release at all. Of course, both have CD releases in Japan. They, like the "Late Night Edition" of Midnights, were released to commemorate their respective artist's tour stops in Japan. Unlike that release however, they boast that they're "Japan-only" special editions. This means that there's probably no chance of the CD ever coming out anywhere else.

The good news is that they're not at risk of selling out anywhere. You can even go to my regular site CDJapan to purchase them.

But yes, that's my long and convoluted way of telling you that if you're wanting your favorite songs physically, you're going to have to shell out a bit more money to import. Like me. There's another way to obtain the files of the songs you like, though. Sites like Qobuz let you buy the high-quality FLAC files legally, so you can download them and have them with the rest of your songs. I recommended this way if your song doesn't have a physical release at ALL (or is only on vinyl) or if you don't want to spend more money to import the CD.

Now that we're all caught up with how I got obsessed with all this, it's time to get to the juicy bits. If you want to do any of this yourself, I'm going to go in depth with what tools I use and how I do certain things so that you can have an ideal listening experience.

Ripping Discs + Playing Music

When it comes to actually ripping the discs, I'm gonna be honest. Any cheap CD USB drive is going to work (I assume), and what I have is very much overkill for this sort of task. For a disc drive, I have an ASUS BW-16D1HT internal Blu-ray burner drive, paired with a Vantec NexStar DX2 enclosure so I can use it externally. As mentioned before, the software that I use for playing and ripping my music is foobar2000. It's a completely free program that has a lot of customizability and versatility when it comes to its design and layout, as well as having plugin support for anyone who happens to make any. You can even install one that adds a Discord Rich Presence - and it looks just like Spotify!

When you load a CD into your computer for the first time, naturally you're given options as to what to do with it. You're going to want to set it so that foobar2000 opens when you put a CD in the drive. From here, your music will play and everything should work just fine. Sometimes the metadata for the album, like the artist and track names, or release year might show up immediately. Other times, it does not. If this doesn't bother you, then you can leave it alone. For me, though, I prefer having the details there so I know that I'm listening to.

So, here's how you fill that metadata out. Right-click on a track (or album) in the program and select "Properties".

You'll be able to change all kinds of data here. This is an example of a track that I filled out some of the data for. Once you've done this, you can click "Apply" or "OK". It'll do the same thing.

You can also see that you can change the artwork, but this can't be done with the tracks on the discs themselves. You're going to have to rip the tracks to your computer, and edit those files. Something I'm going to teach you how to do as well! When you right click on a track, you will also see a "Convert" option.

There are a couple of options here, but what you want to do is to go into the "..." menu.

This lets you choose what to convert the file to, where it goes, and any other processing.

In "Output format", there's a number of options. I personally use FLAC at compression level 5 for all of my music. The difference between level 0 and 5 is incredibly minimal, only a hundred or so kilobits that an extreme audiophile with crazy headphones might notice. True lossless would be converting the CD tracks to WAV files, but that almost doubles how much storage your music takes. Only go this route if you care about a 1:1 CD rip and have the storage. You can also just convert them to MP3s. There's multiple settings for MP3 encoding, so you can have high quality files while still saving on tons of space. Just right click on the option and "Edit".

Note that you will need to have the LAME MP3 encoder executable somewhere on your device in order to be able to do so. You can obtain an already-assembled version of it here. Just place it anywhere on your computer and define the path in foobar2000, and you should be good to go. Once you convert the files, it's up to you how you have them stored. I personally make folders for all my albums and set the icons of the folders as the album art. That's just a matter of converting the image to a .ico file and setting that as the icon in the customize tab in "Properties" in Windows Explorer.

This makes everything easy to visualize and nice to look at. I even have this Music folder pinned to my Quick Access so I can easily get to it. Of course, now you're going to need to have foobar2000 actually see where this all is. If you go to "File" -> "Preferences" (or just hit Ctrl+P) you'll bring up your settings. Click on "Media Library".

Here, you're going to want to define where your music is located. Click "Add" and navigate the Explorer window to where your music or folders of music are located. Select the folder, hit "Apply", then close out of the window. The albums and songs should now show up wherever your album list is located, which is usually on the left side. Now all you have to do is scroll through it, click on the drop-down menu of the album, and play a song!

Extra foobar2000 Tips and Features

I have foobar2000 set up with a few more features and settings that make everything easier to handle, just so I spend less time in Explorer. This way, you won't have to do what I used to and drag the whole album into the program every time you wanna listen to it. The first thing I want to go over is the layout. You can edit your layout in "View" -> "Layout" -> "Quick setup".

This is what "Album list + Properties + Visualisations" looks like, and is my recommended layout if you don't want to mess with anything. Of course, this isn't what mine looks like. Same colors, but a bit of a different look.

I've removed the properties and shrank the visualization portion, while adding the album art in the bottom left. This is through the layout editing mode, in the same dropdown menu as "Quick setup". I recommend you play around with it and see what you like. If this is a bit too complicated for you, I also recommend searching for foobar2000 skins. I don't have experience with installing them, so I recommend using this video here. Earlier, I also mentioned a Discord Rich Presence add-on you can install. That's found right here! Download the file from the "releases" section (I'd use foo_discord_rich-x64.fb2k-component if you're on a modern system), double click it, and it should install right away. If you want something that looks like this though, there's a few more steps to follow.

Under the "Preferences" menu, "Discord Rich Presence Integration" should be a new selection under "Tools".

These are my settings for the plugin. You can see in the first image that you can have the plugin try to find the album cover from the internet. But what if the cover isn't the right one? Or what if you want a custom one? This is where the "Art cache" window in the second image comes in. Select "Open containing folder..." and you'll find a lone .json file. It looks something like this.

The program takes the linked images and displays them in the plugin. If your album doesn't show up here, just copy the formatting and replace it with the artist name, and a link to the image of the album cover. You can get it by searching for the album cover, right clicking, and selecting "Copy image address". From here, go to "File" -> "Save", close the document, and go back to foobar2000. Select "Reload from disk" and play the song again. If you check Discord, it should show the album art you linked. If you want a custom album cover you made yourself, try something like Imgur. Make an account and upload the image as a hidden image (it defaults to this anyway). Copy the image address from that and put it in the .json file alongside the artist and album name, just like before. I also wanted to mention that if you're buying a file from Qobuz, the metadata of the files you ripped from the CD and the file you bought might not match up, if you plan on having them as the same album anyway. You can easily go back to the songs you ripped and select the metadata in the "Properties" menu, copy it, then go back to the "Properties" of the purchased file and paste it over. Make sure to apply the changes before closing the window. If everything worked, you should see that they're under the same album in your album list. Double-check the track numbers and edit them if needed. The album covers might not match, too. This is easy to fix, though. It's all in the "Artwork" tab of "Properties".

Just right click on the art, export it to a file, then go back to the file you wanna replace the artwork on, remove the artwork, then import it. It's best to remove it first so the file doesn't have multiple artworks assigned to it.

Closing Thoughts

I'm not gonna go much longer with this, so I just wanted to close with a few things.

Get the mobile app. You'll be able to transfer your music over through an FTP connection. For those who don't know, it's through the internet. I don't wanna explain all that right now, but I can recommend FileZilla as a program to use.

This is going to cost quite a lot of money initially. Buying a whole bunch of CDs and/or files at once to replace what you have on Spotify is going to be hefty. But in the end, you won't be paying a monthly subscription. Unless you buy an album a month, then I guess that's your monthly subscription.

Discogs is your friend. And mine. I mentioned the site before, but it's an amazing tool for finding what album variants have which songs, and it's even a marketplace like eBay. I've bought from the site before and I can recommend it for that purpose as well.

That's gonna be all from me for now. It's been ages since my last blog post on here, and I have two in the drafts. I'll revisit them soon and continue working on them, but for now, I'll see you guys later.

[lastoneout]

OKAY sorry for completely forgetting about this for several days, I had surgery the day the poll was set to end and then I had complications from said surgery and I'm only just now finally starting to feel normal again SO let's get to the reveal :D

DISCLAIMER: 1) here's the Spotify playlist for you animals who don't want to read my extensive thoughts <3 You respect your time and I respect that!

and 2) I know the italics are kinda fucked in some places I'm trying to fix it. Edit: They're fixed now.

ANYWAY the songs(not in order of popularity just in order I am far too dumb for that) along with a little reason I picked the "bad description" for each of them!

If you relate to this you probably have OCD: Caleb Trask by The Crane Wives (spotify - youtube - lyrics)

Now not to get too trauma-dump-y right at the start(and PLEASE feel free to skip to the next one if this is too heavy for you) but the first time I listened to this song I hadn't been diagnosed with OCD, yet I still related to it in a way I couldn't quite express, but looking back now...YEAAAAH I related to it for a Reason. The song is "speaking" to Caleb Trask, one of the characters in the book of East of Eden by John Steinbeck. I can't speak to the parallels to the narrative itself because I haven't read it, but to me it weaves a comforting message, one of not letting your past sins or the past sins of the people who came before you in your family stop you from moving forward and living a better life. The lyrics

So you got bad in your blood

Brother, you're one of us

and

If you might then you may

There's no reason to live out in chains

Cause you're not alone

We're the daughters of sinners, we're the sons of saints

just hit different. One of the hallmark symptoms of OCD is intrusive thoughts, your anxiety attacks what you value most, and most of us want to be good people, so it gives us image after image of the most horrific violence and convinces us we must live in constant vigilance to stop ourselves from giving in to our perceived "true" nature. And if we have harmed someone in the past, even in the smallest of ways or ways that were clearly not our fault in the end, we see it as validation that we are bad people and must suffer endlessly to make up for it. There's no forgiveness, only living in chains, afraid that we might. The song counters this by saying almost exactly what my therapist does, paraphrased here as "You might do bad things. Something might go wrong and it might be your fault. The worst of your fears could absolutely come true. That is the nature of being alive. No one can get through life without causing pain, just like we can't get through life without bringing joy to ourselves and others as well. Be open to the possibility that things might be bad, but they might be good too, you cannot let your anxiety force you to crawl through the desert repenting, this isn't how you become a better person." Maybe you have bad in your blood, or blood on your hands. You're not alone, we're all the daughters of sinners and the sons of saints. Don't let that stop you from loving. Stop punishing yourself. Stop waiting for the flowers to bloom, for some nebulous forgiveness that will never really come. Find joy now, live freely now while you still can. You're not alone. You're not alone.

Introvert Party Anthem: Night In by Brittney Spencer (spotify - youtube - lyrics)

Okay time for a HARD tone shift! This one is legit just what it says on the tin, and that's fantastic. As a certified disabled introvert I genuinely consider hanging out at home peak, and the chorus really says it all

I just want a night in, getting high with friends

Not a night on the town killing time again

No high heel stumbling down the city streets

No drunk boys mumbling, "Can I buy you a drink?"

Turn my phone off, get a little gone

All this turning it up ain't really turning me on

I need sweatpants, vibing to an old CD

And my day ones next to me

I just want a night in

Like come on, that's it. That's literally it. Bars are fun I guess but I can wear my pj pants at home. I can get drunk or high at home. I can throw up in my own toilet. I have the aux cord and I'm making you all suffer <3 (Also listen to more black country artists or I will start biting people I mean what-)

I FUCKING LOVE STRING INSTRUMENTS: Fiddlin' Around by Dierks Bentley (spotify - youtube - lyrics)

Our winner!! Kay so I feel kinda bad about this one 'cuz I don't think it's what people expected and I maybe should have gone with my alternate joke title of "string instruments as a metaphor for fucking" but oops, oh well! Anyway I also don't have a whole lot to say about this one aside from the fact that it's fun and low-stakes and I just really do love fiddles and banjos and other string instruments and they do in fact go hard in this song. It's also catchy as fuck and gets stuck in my head for hours every time I listen to it, and does bring to mind hanging out in an old truck bed after dark which is fun no matter what you're doing in there, be it stargazing or making s'mores over a camp stove or fuckin'. I'ma throw in a couple of other really good string instrument songs tho just for good measure; Sweet Nell/Bajho Khetma by Himalayan Highway, a fusion of Bluegrass and traditional Himalayan folk music that's better than anxiety medicine, and Banjo Bloodbath by Appalachian Anarchy a Bluegrass Power Metal band bcs like COME on. COME ON. If you don't think that's the coolest shit in the entire world idk how to even talk to you.

My childhood best friend died and I'm not over it: El Dorado by Zach Bryan (spotify - youtube - lyrics)

This song destroyed me the first time I listened to it because bro that fucking string section at the start I am SO into string sections, they just make my heart shatter when done well. It is kinda obvious it's a mourning song, but I did find out he wrote it about a friend of his who took his own life, and as someone who did lose a dear childhood friend to cancer a few years back, who was also one of my ONLY friends who actually LIKED country music, this song just. It just.

In El Dorado, hell if I know if you're still alive

There's a note in the glove box of your drive

El Dorado, hell if they know the difference in a hero

And a man I wish was still by my side

You're in every last memory alive

That's all I got.

Everything sucks so much, but at least we have each other: Garden by Noah Gundersen (spoitfy - youtube - lyrics)

We are continuing Certified SadBoy Hours™ with a song by one of my favorite artists of all time, Noah Gundersen. I saw him live last November in Tucson and god it was fucking EVERYTHING. He played like three of my favorite songs of his, I cried so much, there's a deep ache inside me that guy can yank out so fast it's not even funny. I was torn between this one and Honest Songs because they both have the same vibe but I like that this one feels very...rural, and old-fashioned but in an anti-capitalist way, I guess? Something about that gets to me. I'm starting to suspect there's a very old coal miner from Appalachia living inside me that I need to get in touch with. Anyway yeah this?

But wait, oh wait

See how the morning breaks

It's the simplest of love songs, but it's all our hearts can take

And though we lose our stake

Heaven is where we make it

Even in the smallest places, can a garden grow

I can't be normal about this, hope that helps <3

Bisexual! at the Grocery Store: Strawberry Crush by Tanner Adell (spotify - youtube - lyrics)

Okay if you aren't listening to Tanner Adell shut the fuck up and go listen to her right now oh my GOD I cannot get enough of this woman!!! Anyway this song is literally just "I was at the store with my boyfriend and then saw the most beautiful woman ever I can't tell if I want to be her and/or fuck her help me" with some truly insane banjo under it and if that doesn't sell ya on it this should:

Strawberry wonder, strawberry lover

Bet she tastes like strawberries under the covers

Strawberry lush, strawberry touch

Strawberry never enough

Stay my strawberry, strawberry crush

Like goddamn. Hell fucking yeah. Let's fucking go. 10/10 absolutely NO notes <3 More queer country in general but especially from artists of color. Thank you so fucking much Ms. Adell you own my life.

Yeah being famous is pretty nice but I kinda just wanna go home: Sparrow by Ashley McBryde (spotify - youtube - lyrics)

I was originally gonna pick Baby Girl by Sugarland for this slot(but obviously with a slightly different description) but idk I recently started listening to Ashley McBryde and I love her voice and this song really hit me different than the Sugarland song. Baby Girl is more about the allure of fame and the struggle to get it and then use that fame to care for your folks, which used to speak to me as like...a teenager with wild dreams, but Sparrow feels more from the perspective of "fame is nice it sure is but god I miss home so fucking bad" and that hits different as a 30 y/o who just wants to live a decent life with the people I love. It's simple and sweet and really gets into that homesick longing that country music is SO fucking good at. Honestly call me a loser for it but I agree with Branch in Trolls 2, country music is quite often really fucking sad and that's what I like about it. Sometimes you're sad and that guitar just gives you the catharsis you need.

For a sparrow

Who wouldn't trade nothing for the way it feels to fly

It ain't fair though

How you miss the ground when you're out here in the sky

You're higher than you've ever been

Lonely like you never been

Waiting on the wind to take you home

Anyway brb gonna go fucking cry my eyes out.

Messy Bitch Party Anthem: Drunk(And I Don't Wanna Go Home) by Elle King and Miranda Lambert (spotify - youtube - lyrics)

This song is legit just fun and also the polar opposite of Night In. This is for the messy ass bitches who just want to get fucked up and make it everyone else's problem and I love that for them <3 Plus both Elle King and Miranda Lambert have very like...specific voices that I feel like I don't hear a whole lot in music but go together spectacularly. Like if I ever do another country/folk themed one of these I am including a Miranda Lambert song I promise you. (Also whoever let Exes and Oh's get popular without the accompanying knowledge that Elle King is a country artist owes me five billion dollars you were fucking holding out on me you sick bastards you all claim to hate country and YET- *I am dragged off the stage kicking and screaming*) I love the 80's wedding vibe of the fashion in the music video, the irreverence, the beat, this song is legit just fun and it was immediately added to my "get pumped up" playlist. Sometimes it doesn't have to be complicated, it just has to be fun. She's drunk and she doesn't want to go home!!

SHE HAS THE RANGE!!!: Yoü and I by Lady Gaga (spotify - youtube - lyrics)

I have nothing to say. If this isn't a country song idk what the fuck is. She's in a corn field. She's in a barn. He's her cool Nebraska guy. Lady Gaga does, in fact, have the fucking range. Die mad about it. Also her masc alter ego is in the music video and I am devastatingly bisexual about it.

Of course you're in pain, it came free with your being alive and in love, idiot: The Loneliness Waltz by The Ballroom Thieves (spotify - youtube - lyrics)

I was actually torn between this song and Firewood by Regina Spektor but I don't think Regina Spektor really makes anything adjacent to what you'd call folk or country music so I went with one that is that I love just as much. Don't really have a whole lot to say about this one either, it's just vibes and strings and lovely lyrics sung beautifully and I think more people should listen to it.

We are frivolous with our hearts

Watch them bend till they break

Then we pick up the parts

Yeah, we give, we take

We save and condemn

And we live just to love again

Screaming crying shaking throwing up ect. ect.

Give a classic girl's country song transmasc vibes with this one easy trick!: Strawberry Wine by Deana Carter as covered by Breland (spotify - youtube - lyrics)

I have ADORED this song since I was like 13 idk it's just really really fucking good imo, and I've heard a lot of good covers but man....this cover? THIS COVER? It's everything to me. Breland is truly unmatched as a country singer I have yet to hear a song of his that didn't blow me away. I saw tumblr user vaspider(not tagging him because this post is ridiculously long I just wanna be sure he is credited for his words) once say that Luke Combs' cover of Tracy Chapman's Fast Car(another phenomenal cover that proves to me country has a lot of potential as a genre that gets sadly ignored) had transmasc vibes because he chose not to change the line about being a "checkout girl" and not only do I agree but this song is that dialed up to 900. If you haven't heard this song here's the original as well as Deana Carter's 2021 version featuring several female country artists I love including Ashley McBryde that's also worth checking out. It's a retrospective song where the singer talks about her first experience with love and heartbreak at seventeen over the course of a relationship with a college student who was working on her grandfather's farm over the summer. Breland does not change the pronouns or the words used to refer to the singer. The line "I was caught somewhere between a woman and a child" is not changed and the singer's boyfriend stays a boyfriend. This could and probably is just a creative choice, but I've seen less changed more drastically in other covers, so having Breland just embrace the identity of this girl, former or not, and her boyfriend without feeling the need to defend his own sexual identity or masculinity is SO refreshing. And it makes a transmasculine reading on the song entirely valid. Not all trans people see themselves as always being their current gender/apply it retroactively, some of us do see ourselves as being this gender now and another when we were younger. Breland's cover, to me at least, sounds like a trans man singing about a very important milestone in his life that he experienced through a gendered perspective and yet keeps coming back to even if he isn't really that person anymore, and that's just. Idk it's beautiful. And I mean, Deanna Carter's version does describe being a woman and a lovestruck teenager and a child as different, which just adds to the concept of gender and identity fluctuating based on where you are in your life even for cis people. I found this cover around when I was accepting that I was butch and bigender and the first time I listened to it I cried and cried. It's breathtaking and I really REALLY would love to see more country artists follow in Breland and Luke Combs' footsteps and embrace the songs as the stories they are, rather than being an indicator of who they are as a person and thus something that must be changed to dodge any "queer" allegations. And I gotta add an obligatory plug of Breland's cover of Shania Twain's Man, I Feel Like A Woman which is just *chef's kiss*(they also teamed up on a song for Twisters(2024) which fucks like what can't he fucking do!!!) and Alana Springsteen's cover of Sand In My Boots which turns into a ballad about a lesbian fumbling a bad bitch. More artists do this right now. ALSO LISTEN TO MORE BLACK COUNTRY ARTISTS I AM NOT ASKING. Y'ALL ARE FUCKING MISSING OUT.

Show me a permanent state of the self, bitch <3: Theseus by The Oh Hellos (spotify - youtube - lyrics)

Did you really think I was gonna get through this without an Oh Hellos song? Oh you sweet summer child. I will never shut up about them. My wrist is starting to hurt so I will try not to essay as hard this time but I FAILED, FUCKING SEVERAL THOUSAND WORD ESSAY UNDER THE CUT TL;DR THIS SONG USES THE THOUGHT EXPERIMENT OF THESEUS'S SHIP TO EXPAND ON THEMES OF HEALING AND CHANGING BOTH AS INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE AND AS A SOCIETY AND HOW WE ARE ALWAYS THE SAME YET ALWAYS DIFFERENT THERE'S NO PERMANENT STATE OF THE SELF IT'S REALLY GOOD GO LISTEN TO IT!!!! Uh also like TW for discussions of racism and death and Evangelical Christianity and mental health struggles and just so many things what the hell this got so long. The Oh Hellos do not fuck around, but I can't talk about their music without talking about all of that too.

ESSAY INCOMING YOU WERE FUCKING WARNED!!! The Oh Hellos are a modern folk band that pulls a lot from Ancient Greek and Roman mythology, folklore, literature, and Christianity. And I don't mean they make christian worship songs, this isn't Amazing Grace type stuff, they use their experience being raised Christian and the stories/iconography/beliefs to inspire them. If you've had someone annoyingly point out that Solider, Poet, King is about Jesus instead of your blorbos, they're right. And wrong. It's about a lot of things, all of their songs are about like three different things, why do you think this part of the post got so long? I mean Dear Wormwood is using the writings of C.S. Lewis to tell the story of leaving an abusive relationship, there are layers. Things can be about god and also about regular people, that's how art works. And their songs also do also provide some fucking scathing critiques of Christianity, lemme tell ya. The kind of scary accurate shit you only get from people who were raised in it. (I would also be remiss to not point out that of course many of these themes and stories were taken from Judaism because, you know, that's what Christianity did and still does, so a lot of these references are about things shared between the two religions, but they are very much coming from being raised in Christian communities and I think that distinction is just as important as pointing out that these figures and events are not Christian in origin, because while we know where these stories came from Christians interpret and utilize them VERY differently from Jewish people so like, they aren't critiquing Judaism, they're critiquing the Christian interpretation and use of these events, especially by Evangelical Christians, from a Christian perspective. Anyway, that's all I feel comfortable saying on the matter as I am not Christian or Jewish and also not an expert in any of these topics at all but yeah.) In 2017 they released the first of their Anemoi albums named after the Ancient Greek Gods of the four directional, seasonal winds, called Notos, after the southern wind that brought the summer storms. Eurus, the south or south-east fall wind, came next in 2018, and then Boreas, the northern winter wind in 2020, followed at last by Zephyrus, the spring western wind, also in 2020. Each album pulls from Ancient Greek mythology, Biblical tales, and folklore to weave songs that celebrate life, comment on suffering, critique the forces that create the hardships we currently face(especially capitalist and Christian ones, Eururs my BELOVED), and the nature of existence itself, while continually coming back to a theme of the turning wheel, either the circle of life, the changing of the seasons, the wheels of oppression that crush us, and the never ending process of suffering and healing. In fact, every album has a ring of gold behind the art of the animal representing it's season, a cicada for summer, a goose for fall, a bear for winter, and a rabbit for spring, making sure we never miss the cyclical theme they're conveying. Zephyrus, rather than ending the series by going quietly into the night, is an explosion of joy and life, fittingly the album cover is green like the season it represents. And sorry I just have to gush for a sec about how fitting it is that the album named after the WESTERN wind contains so many critiques of American "Western" society, religion, and culture like *muah* they KNEW what they were doing and it's phenomenal. Rio Grande, the album's first song, compares the decision of Jochebed, Moses' mother, to save her son from the Pharaoh's orders by setting him adrift on the Nile River in a basket, to the struggles of Latin American immigrants crossing the Rio Grande, which serves as the border between Mexico and Texas, to give their children a chance at a better life in America. The lyrics

Somewhere down south of here

There's a woman with an armload of grass

Weaving a basket

That’ll float the Rio Grande

She'll send her baby off in it

The river running wild and fast

To curry the favor

are INCREDIBLY vivid and heartbreaking and really gets The Point across. A lot of leaders in America claim to be Christian, but when there are people going through what their own Biblical figures did they turn away. They cannot see the parallels between these two groups because of their evangelical nationalistic racism, and thus the truth at the heart of their scripture is ignored and they refuse to help the people who need it. The father crossing the Rio Grande with his child IS Jochebed standing in the water with hers, right down to the color of their skin, but you won't help him. You wouldn't help her, either. Anyway sorry tangent, I'm just so fucking angry all the goddamn time, but yeah Zephyrus(the album) continues with the themes of birth and rebirth, new life springing up after either the desolate winter or unimaginable suffering, of trying to make things better, to fight, to survive, even when it's hard and hurts. We hear in the titular song

Of whatever Pharaoh owns the land

Whether by accident or fortune

You and I

We are matter

and

And it matters

So let me melt down like mountain glaciers

Break the bonds

I’ve been holding onto

Let ‘em soften me

Till every part that I am made of

Waters deep

To the roots

which is a call back to the Rio Grande's lyrics

Of something greener

Oh, maybe I'm naive for thinking

That a mountain so stubborn can move

But if I’m a mountain moving

I think maybe you can be, too

In Soap they offer

It's gonna hurt like hell

Which is itself a follow up to Theseus'

But we're going to be well

Ain’t nothing come easy

No, nothing comes quick

It’s gonna hurt like hell to become well

But if we set the bone straight

It’ll mend

It’ll fix

At the edges of my fingers

And we’ll be well

And like can I just say I love how layered these songs are like they all borrow lyrics and music from each other so much it's almost impossible to talk about just one song without bringing up the rest, it's incredible.

Anyway, I picked this title for Theseus because the entire album series is about cycles, but Zephyrus and specifically Theseus is about healing. As I said above, they're falling back on Greek and Roman mythology to turn Theseus's Ship and the thought experiment that share's it's name into a metaphor for the process of healing after hardship. The song opens by suggesting that the peace we strive for, internal or societal, is not a straight path, the steps are always changing like a river

Never quite closing ‘round it

Oh, that peace like a river

Always going, but never getting

Seems like maybe it’s not all that much a place

As it is a way

And ways don’t ever seem to want to

It also tells us peace is not something that happens once and then is done. It must be maintained. The singer then says they are willing to do the work, even it's it's hard, because the work is what it's all about. Change is scary and hard, but it's beautiful too, and we're ready to commit.

Stay too still for too long

Isn’t that what it’s all about?

The slow trickling thaw that sets the banks in half

The sweet melody it makes when the canyons crack

I wanna give it all I’ve got, and I want nothing

That last line also suggests that this change isn't selfish. It could mean a lot of things, but to me it sounds like the singer understands that this change might not happen in their lifetime, but that's okay. They aren't working for just themselves. They don't strive for a better life for themselves, they strive for a better world for us all, even if they don't benefit in the way you'd typically expect. They continue the theme of change being work in the next verse

I want nothing back

Whatever kingdom come, it probably won’t come quick

No mighty clarion to announce it

No single use ark to discard in an instant

Like Theseus’s ship, we’ll fix the busted bits

'Til it’s both nothing like and everything

It’s always been

It’s a wonder we expect a thing to

The singer explains that there isn't a rapture coming to save us. If a better world comes it won't be quick. It's not an instant fix, we can't break the horn out and blow it once and toss it away like we'll never need it again, just like we cannot let our guard down and assume the work is over because things got a better. I've seen people on the left critique other leftists for so called "rapture theory", the concept of us all just waiting around on our hands until the glorious revolution comes and wipes the slate clean so we can finally build our better world. The issue there is that revolution is not coming. It's just not. We cannot sit around and do nothing because if we do the world is just gonna keep on turning and nothing will change and we'll all eventually die wondering why we never got our revolution. I see parallels to this thought terminating cliche in actual Evangelical Christianity. You only have to ask someone raised in that belief system, it's a doomsday cult. They do not believe a better world is possible and think anyone claiming we can improve things is an agent of the devil who must be stopped. They WANT the world to end. They don't care about climate change because they think the faster we destroy this place the faster god will float down and torture the sinners and bring about their perfect utopia. They spend their entire lives praying to die. But this song counters this thought. There's no rapture and no clarion to announce it. Our arc will not be single use like Noah's. God is not going to wipe the world clean so we can start over and then we'll be good and done and never have to worry about anything ever again. The future you want will not be easy, it will not come about through inaction, it won't be done for you, and even when things get better there will ALWAYS be more work to be done. And we see the central metaphor finally show up, Theseus's Ship. They compare it to Noah's "Single Use" Arc, but counter the idea of it being something that we need once and then don't use again. It's a ship we will be working on our whole lives. We will replace board after board after board, fixing the busted bits, until we hardly recognize it at all, but, at the end it's still our boat. Our society. Our body. In fact, it a wonder we ever expect something to stay the same at all. Show me a permanent state of the self, bitch <3 The pain and evil was always inside all of us, but so was the good, and change is not a bad thing nor does it mean discarding our soul or who we are or forsaking the things we've learned. We're different. We're the same. That's beautiful. To switch back to the personal, a lot of the time healing from trauma is really hard, especially if it went on for so long you don't really remember who you were before it happened. But change doesn't mean you aren't yourself anymore. It can mean things you identified with have to be discarded, people you talked to have been cut off, maybe you can't do the things you used to or think the same things or enjoy the same hobbies, but our essence, soul, whatever, that doesn't change. You will always be you, even when you change. When I finally got diagnosed with Bipolar Type II and got on a medication that actually helped, everyone I knew said it was like I was a completely different person. But me? I had never felt more like myself.

Stay the same at all

Maybe that’s what it’s all about

We keep fixing what we know is only bound to break

What’s worth saving is never worth letting go to waste

Life is a cycle of breaking and fixing. Hurting and healing. And it's worth it. We will always suffer again, break again, need help again, but that doesn't mean we're a lost cause, or garbage, or not worth it. We're worth it, the world is worth it, we will never get a completely fresh start, so we need to mend what we have instead of dreaming of throwing it away every time something goes wrong. And yes, there are some things that need to be thrown away(goodBYE electoral college I will not miss you) but throwing out one thing doesn't mean everything it touched needs to go too. The biggest changes I've seen both externally and within have come from healing what exists instead of trying to throw everything away. It's not always the right choice, but as they say, never let perfect be the enemy of done. We might never be able to start over from scratch, but we can still fix what we have that's worth saving.

I want to mend what I’ve got, instead of throwing away

Ain’t nothing come easy

No, nothing comes quick

It’s gonna hurt like hell to become well

But if we set the bone straight

It’ll mend

It’ll fix

This is the part of the song that REALLY gets me. I'm not the kind of person who is comforted by platitudes about things being easy or painless. I need to know that it's going to hurt ahead of time. And healing has never been easy. My god does it suck. One of my most popular posts right now is about how healing feels like dissolving in acid. Physically and mentally. My hand aches right now from my surgery on Wednesday and it will keep hurting until it heals. Finally leaving my godawful neurologist's clinic might have been the scariest thing I've ever done, I felt like I was going to die. Facing my past in therapy also makes me feel like I'm dying half the time. Your brain will screech and scream and hate every second of healing and make you not want to do it. It really is going to hurt like hell to become well. But if we try, we will succeed. The bone will mend. We'll regrow neruopathways untouched by our trauma. We'll lose our outer layers of skin until we have bodies that were never touched by the people who hurt us. One day you'll wake up and breathe and the pain will barely be a memory. And today I can walk out into a world that is so fucking scary, but because of the work I and millions of people like me did it's currently a world that is better than the one my parents grew up in. It's a world where kids think being gay and trans is so normal they get confused when their parents come out to them. A world where you can actually see the sky through the smog and the Hudson River is so clean whales return to it. A world where I can take a short drive and see the stars in all their glory. Where I can buy presents for my friends and mail them hundreds of miles away. Where I can use the internet to connect with other people who share my extremely rare disease for comfort and support, where I can get a complicated brain surgery that only leaves a couple of bruises and go home the same day with a referral to a doctor who can do another one that will actually help me get better. And maybe, if I'm lucky enough, medical science will keep me alive long enough that the thousands of scientists and doctors working tirelessly on it find a cure. There is so so SO much fucking work to do, oh my GOD is there work to do, internally and externally. I want a better world for ALL of us and we are not there yet. We might never really be there. Star Trek's best episodes are about how even centuries in the future there is still work to do. But we can't give up, or sit around and wait for things to fix themselves or pray for an apocalyptic rapture to offer us a blank slate and then never do any work ever again. As the closing lyrics of Theseus say

And we’ll be well

I want for us this, oh:

That we are well

That we are well

That we are well

That we are well

That we are well

-

-

Okay anyway I've been at this for *checks clock* like FIVE HOURS??? ADHD does in fact go brrr anyway uh if you read this far I love you and idk you can follow for more and here's my ko-fi if you want to support me writing insane improvised essays about music <3 I'm going to go eat I guess and then play tetris to ensure my wrists are well and truly fucked.

(Also again sorry for any formatting errors Tumblr's post editor used to be good and has gone so far downhill it's impressive. I s2g this thing was designed by sadists that thrive on the suffering of writers. Plus my right wrist only half works atm and that isn't helping.)

saw someone else do this so I'm doing a worse version:

I'm not trying to broaden any horizons here or flex with some classic/niche songs, I'm just having fun so these songs are probably ones people already know of/basic, but I'll reveal them after the week is up, have fun :D

[1ddiscourseoftheday]

Mon 10 May ‘21

LOUIS NEWS-- label and tour!! First, Louis has announced (or, well, Simon Jones PR has anyway, no word from Louis direct and yes, SJPR is still in the picture) that Louis is “partnering with BMG to release his second album globally”, an interestingly specific/ limited reveal. Fans are eyeing the wording and questioning whether he actually signed with them as a label (which they are) or just for publishing rights or distribution (which they also do, unlike most other labels)- the mention only of a ‘partnership’ supports the possibility that it’s something other than his new label, but it isn’t definitive and the simplest explanation of the press release is that BMG will be his label for LT2, as well as distributor and publishing company. The fact that they are small (relatively speaking; not one of the “Big Four” record labels but they’re hardly tiny) and somewhat new as a label does not to me seem like a reason why Louis wouldn’t have chosen them, as some are suggesting; there’s something to be said for being the big focus of a label rather than just another act, and Louis already chose that route once before when he signed with Arista (who are umbrella-ed by Sony but themselves not one of the big four) just after their relaunch, making him their biggest act by far. Also vague: “global” in this context doesn’t necessarily mean BMG has replaced Arista (his U.S. only label), it just for sure means UK plus the ‘international’ market, ie most of the rest of the world. It could mean U.S. too! Or not. We have reason to believe Louis was still with Arista as recently as a few months ago, and no evidence to suggest otherwise. The official press release says “recording is already underway” on LT2, and quotes Louis as saying: “I’m very excited to start the next part of my journey with BMG”. BMG- a new company founded after splitting from older label SonyBMG in 2008- claim to be “a new kind of music company” who are “not just a music publisher or a label” (they instead combine both of those things) in which “service to artists and writers is key,” and as part of that combine label services with holding publishing rights for their clients, often handled by separate companies and an area where songwriters tend to get screwed. BMG’s press also mentions their involvement with new technology a lot, and they represent Kings of Leon who have been at the forefront of the music industry use of NFTs (including releasing their next album as an NFT on a special NFT label despite being BMG artists). BMG’s twitter following more than doubled [edit: tripled now] in the hours after the announcement, and they followed Louis and tweeted to welcome him aboard from three different twitter accounts, including the U.S. one.

Slightly more commentary from Louis about the updated tour dates though mostly still press release style-- “Let's try this one last time!” he said, “All shows on my world tour will be moving back to 2022 and I’m excited to announce the first wave of new dates. I can't wait to see you all soon, it's going to be special!” and what should be the final dates for tour dropped, all in Spring ‘22- including a London show at Wembley, holy shit! Not every rescheduled date has been announced but those that are mostly have one thing in common-- much bigger venues than they were originally booked into. At at least one show so far fans will have to buy tickets again which sucks, but they are offering a pre-sale for previous ticket holders so at least those buyers only have to fight each other and not all the fans that joined the scrum in the time since the tour sold out. “After all this time and years of waiting this tour is going to be incredible, I can't wait!” said Louis and he’s not wrong!

And that’s all for serious news, over in Harry land things are...a lot sillier. A “bardcore” version of Watermelon Sugar was added to Harry’s official Spotify, LOL, and it is even more ridiculous to listen to than it is to imagine! I don’t picture it topping the charts anytime soon but it’s certainly an entertaining twist I was NOT expecting over the quiet weekend. The idea of Harry and friends deciding that needed to be legitimized on the official 36 million follower page is PRICELESS, and I would love to see Harry in a Gucci doublet and hose (or a nice laced bodice), but sadly it seems that the addition of the 2020 cover song to Harry’s account is a fuck up on Spotify’s end, as acknowledged by the Bard himself (no not Harry or Shakespeare, the person who did the weird cover- they do lots of covers in this style, it’s like a whole Thing. Medieval style covers of hits.) Meantime OUR bard was seen on the My Policeman set in a t-shirt reading “don’t ruin my fantasy”. New merch? I’ve never seen something more perfect for harries, they should consider it! This shirt though is from a designer with a focus on gender neutrality who donates to queer youth charities. And Kid Harpoon said, about WS (modern version) “at first, and I get this quite a lot with his lyrics, I thought, that’s kind of weird. Then you’re like, man, it’s brilliant. I remember thinking that with this. Harry’s so good at lyrics, he’s really growing into his own thing.”

Meanwhile Niall reposted (to insta AND facebook) the same outfit of the day video post he posted and deleted yesterday but left it up this time. It is clearly NOT today’s outift- damn Niall is my whole life a lie?! What can we trust in this treacherous world?? NOT YOU I GUESS. He also popped up on twitter to claim “no idea what you’re talking about” wrt him and Anne Marie teasing their collab without offering any actual clues about WHEN-- mhmm, like I said...

[helliontherapscallion]

Warmth (Adrenaline Junkie Part 6)

Part 1     Part 2     Part 3     Part 4     Part 5     Part 7     Part 8     Part 9     Part 10     Part 11     Part 12     Part 13     Part 14     Part 15     Part 16     Part 17

Spotify Playlist (collaborative)

Warnings: Self harm scars, mentions of panic attacks and hallucinations

Word count: 2,842

(A/N): This takes place about 6 months after the last chapter. Also, I was heavily inspired by Toothless’ prosthetic, I’m really excited to write more about it : )

You hummed to yourself as you walked down the cobblestone street of the village. The village was probably one of your favorite places to visit; it had quaint little shops and stalls decorating the main plaza that you adored, it was always interesting to see what’s being sold today. Though you always wore your cloak to cover your wings (well, wing and a now-feathered nub) whenever you visited to avoid the stares, you still regularly visited the main plaza for the shops. 

The first time you visited after the incident was about a month ago with Wilbur, you two were looking for something to cook for dinner. You were trying to get used to having your wings out again, so you were wearing the jacket with the slits in the back that you always used to wear. 

The feeling of people staring holes into you was a feeling you forgot about. You always got stares whenever you went into the village because of your wings, but now it felt like more and more people were staring at you as you passed them, probably because of your nub. Though some looked at you in pity, most looked at you with disgust.

You could hear children asking their mothers what happened to you. Their mothers would take one look at you and shield their children away from you staring at you with disgust. You even made one kid cry when he saw your wing; you didn’t blame him, you still couldn’t look at your nub without tearing up. An hour hasn’t even passed before you were asked by a police officer to leave because you were causing a disruption and being indecent in public.

Wilbur was pissed. “They’re fully clothed and they didn’t even talk to anybody, so how exactly were they being disruptive or indecent?”

The officer firmly held her ground, looking up to Wilbur’s tall form. “Sir, the people are complaining and it’s my job to make the public feel safe and comfortable. Look,” she sighed, “I really don’t want to have to ask them to leave, they’re not doing anything to directly threaten people. However, they are causing a disturbance with their,” she wrinkled her nose, “their thing, so I’m going to have to ask them to leave.”

“You have absolutely no right to tell them to leave. They-”

“Wilbur, it’s fine. I’ll leave,” turning back to the officer, you calmly stated “I’m sorry for causing a disturbance ma’am. It won’t happen again.”

She curtly nodded and stood watching you, probably making sure that you left the main plaza. Before you could turn to leave, Wilbur stopped you.

“(Y/n)-”

“No, Wilbur. It’s alright, I can wait outside the village for you.”

He sighed, looking through his leather satchel. “No, you won’t have to wait for me. We’ve got enough food for dinner anyways,” shooting one last heated glare at the police officer, he reached down to grab your hand. “Let’s go.”

He drug you quickly through the village with you having a little trouble keeping up with his long strides. Once you were out of the village, he slowed his pace and walked with his hands shoved in his pockets.

“(Y/n), I’m sor-”

“Don’t be Wil. It isn’t your fault. I honestly was expecting to get kicked out earlier.”

“Still, it’s not fair to you. You didn’t ask for this.” 

“I know Wil, I’ll just wear my cloak next time I visit.”

He didn’t say anything to you after that. The rest of the walk home was shrouded in an awkward silence. 

Another part of the village you loved was the library. It had tall shelves filled to the brim with all sorts of books and various cushioned furniture littered randomly amongst the maze of shelves. Whoever would walk into the library would immediately be hit by the strong scent of parchment and wood as soon as they would walk through the twin doors. You would usually browse books about redstone, but you had a different agenda today.

Today, you were looking for a book about leather working. You wanted to make a leather prosthetic wing so you could at least glide through the air. You weren’t sure if it would work though. From what you’ve read, nobody’s attempted to make a prosthetic wing. It made sense, being a hybrid was rare in and of itself, let alone a winged hybrid. 

You missed flying more than anything. You would give anything to be able to be in the air again. You felt jittery and restless without flight. Sure, Philza took you on some flights with him every now and then, but it wasn’t the same. You yearned for the independence and liberation it gave you to fly alone.

After you found a book and checked it out with the librarian, you hastily set out for home. You were walking with a giddy smile on your face and a bounce in your step. Several people gave you strange looks as you passed them, but you were in too good of a mood to care. You finally figured out a way you could possibly fly again. 

When you got home, you headed straight to your workshop to get to work on your prosthetic. Several blueprints were hung up around your desk, some for your TNT launcher (which you finished a few weeks ago) and others contained ideas for an automatic farm. Your pride and joy was hung up in the center of your bulletin board. It made you extremely happy just by looking at the prosthetic sketch.

Your redstone lamp illuminated the space in front of you as you focused on cutting a large strip of leather in front of you with great concentration. You needed to get the measurements exactly right, equal sized wings are integral for stability midair. The prosthetic was going to be about the same size as your left wing with thin iron rods giving the wing structure. You planned on making it identical to a bat’s wing with a few minor changes in shape to match your other wing. Once it actually was structurally sound and working, you would add proper joints so you could wear it around and decorate it. Until then, you’re making adjustments.

When you were done, you moved on to crafting and melding together the iron rods. Putting on your goggles and thick leather gloves, you used a bit of lava your family kept stored in another room in the basement to fuse the thin iron rods together. You carefully dipped one end of two rods into the bucket before pulling it out at a certain time to hold the molten ends together until they cooled. You repeated this process until you were melding the last piece on.

“HEY BITCH, DINNER’S READY. GET IT WHILE IT’S HOT!”

Yelping, you dropped the mold onto your desk. You picked it up in a panic without paying attention to where your arms went. Unknowingly, your sleeved arm was pressing up against the scorching iron of the bucket of lava.

“FUCK YOU YA FILTHY GREMLIN, A LITTLE WARNING WOULD’VE BEEN NICE!”

He started cackling. “FUCK YOU TOO! NOW GET UP HERE BEFORE I EAT YOUR DINNER.”

“YOU BETTER FUCKING NOT. I SWEAR TO- FUCK!”

You felt the nerves on the side of your forearm screaming as you yanked it away, leaving the crisp remains of a part of your sleeve stuck to the iron bucket. Two pairs of footsteps boomed down the steps and got louder as they rapidly approached you. 

Wilbur’s deep voice worriedly called out to you. “Shit, (y/n) are you alright? Let me see.”

Before you could protest, he gently grabbed your wrist and pulled the sleeve of your jacket down. Adjoining the light burn, small horizontal scars and some fresh cuts lined your forearms. Shit, they were never supposed to find out.

Wilbur’s hand froze, gripping your wrist with an iron grip. You hissed at the feeling of some of your cuts reopening, causing him to quickly retract his hand. He now had his hands hovering over your arm unsure of what to do with them.

“(Y/n), wha-” Tommy cut himself off once he saw the panicked look on his older brother’s face. Following his gaze, his wide eyes met with your cuts.

You sighed, prying the goggles off from your face and pulling the gloves off from your hands. You put on a calm exterior, contrary to what you felt on the inside. They were never supposed to know. “Listen, you guys weren’t supposed to find out about this. None of you were. Please don’t tell Dad or Technoblade, I don’t need more people knowing.”

Tommy spoke up with an incredulous look. “(Y/n), what do you mean? We can’t just not tell them.”

“I know. Please, do it for me? Everything’s finally going back to normal and this will just make everything worse again. I promise I’ll stop, I swear.”

The two brothers looked at each other silently contemplating what they should do. On one hand, you were their sibling and you were hurting yourself. They needed to tell their dad that you were cutting. You only had two lives left and you could kill yourself doing that. Philza and Techno could help. On the other hand, they wanted you to feel normal in your own home. You were right in the fact that everything was starting to feel like it did before the incident. Plus, they would gladly help you through it.

They looked back at you with apprehensive expressions, speaking at the same time. 

“(Y/n), we’re not gonna tell Dad or Techno.”

“We’re telling them.”

Tommy whipped his head up to look at his brother angrily. “Wilbur, we need to tell them.”

“Tommy, no-”

“Are you fucking stupid? Of course we have to-”

“Tommy. We don’t because I’ll be taking every sharp object away from them tonight. We’ll watch them and check their wrists to make sure that there’s no new cuts and they stay clean. We’ll help them.”

“But- they,” Tommy gave a frustrated sigh. “Fine. But we at least have to tell Techno about this. He can help us.”

Wilbur glanced at you with apologetic eyes. Before he could speak up, you interrupted him. “...Alright, as long as Dad doesn’t find out. He has enough to stress out about and he doesn’t need to worry about me again. Now, can we go upstairs for dinner? We’ve been down here for long enough already and Dad’s probably wondering why. Tell him that I’m gonna go clean up.”

Without giving them any room to argue, you speeded up the stairs and into your room. Closing the door and leaning your back on it, you let your calm facade drop into a panicked one. Shit, what if Tommy tells Dad? What were you supposed to do then? He’ll take away what little freedom you had left and you’ll be sinking into the depths of your depression again. 

Your thoughts were interrupted by a soft knock and Philza’s voice. You held your breath as you prepared yourself for him to tell you that he knows your secret. “Hey hun, Wilbur and Tommy told me that you burned yourself,” you let out a relieved sigh. “Do you need me to look at it?”

Panic once again flared in your bloodstream. “N-no Dad, it’s just a little burn. I’ll be down in just a second I’m changing.”

“You sure? I can get you a potion.”

“Yes, I’m fine.”

“...Alright,” he sounded skeptical. “Just hurry up, dinner’s getting cold.”

The sound of his retreating footsteps sounded like music to your ears. You closed your eyes and took a few deep breaths before you moved to put on a long sleeved shirt. 

Dinner was uncharacteristically quiet without Tommy, you, or Wilbur talking. Philza tried to carry the conversation with you four, but only Technoblade gave full responses. You, Tommy, and Wilbur only supplied a few words to a conversation when prompted. 

Technoblade was suspicious. Sure, you and Wilbur were quiet sometimes, but Tommy? Tommy’s always loud and rambunctious. Something’s wrong, but what? What could’ve happened when Tommy and Wilbur went to go get you for dinner? They weren’t gone for long. He did hear you screaming profanities at Tommy for scaring you and overheard Tommy telling Philza about how you burned yourself, but how is that something that would shut you three up? He was going to confront his siblings after he finished tonight’s dishes. 

Meanwhile, you, Tommy, and Wilbur were in your room. You were giving them your iron dagger.

“Is this all?”

“Yeah, Tommy. That’s all, search my room if you don’t believe me. I wouldn’t mind, I don’t have anything to hide from you anymore.”

They did just that. Looking under your bed, in your drawers, in your closet, and in the chest you kept for your supplies. You watched them propped up on your bed. While you were angry with yourself that you were so careless, you felt warm that they cared about you. They were great brothers.

After they were done turning your room upside down, Wilbur plopped down next to you and Tommy threw himself over your legs. You three laid there for a while just enjoying each other’s presence. It was nice to spend some time with your brothers, you didn’t get much free time to spend with them because you spent most of your time in your workshop.

The silence was broken by Tommy. “...So, how do you wanna go about telling Technoblade?”

“I’m… not exactly sure. Do we even have to tell him?”

Wilbur pursed his lips. “Even if you didn’t want to, I’m pretty sure he knows something’s up. He’s good at picking up on social cues.”

“Well if that’s the case, I might just wait until he comes to me. It’ll be easier.”

Your door swung open to reveal your piglin hybrid brother. He looked at you with a single eyebrow raised as his ear flicked. “What were you planning on telling me?”

Tommy and Wilbur looked at you expectantly. You shifted your body closer to the wall making room on your bed for him. He walked over and stiffly sat on the edge of your mattress. He gestured for you to talk to him. You slowly slid your sleeve down and showed him your arm. Besides his eyebrows slightly crinkling, he was as stoic as ever when he reached out to grab your wrist for a better look.

On the inside, the voices were almost as loud as when you died. They were nearly incoherent as several angry voices mixed together yelling at him for not noticing anything was wrong with you, the kid he vowed to protect when you first stole his crown and replaced it with a homemade paper one. Outside of the voices, he was furious at himself, he was supposed to protect you. He ran his fingers along the raised lines, gently tracing over every scar and scabbed over cut as if memorizing where every single one lays.

His monotone voice was gruff. “How long? Why?”

“About eight months now. I-I didn’t feel anything for a while after I respawned and I realized that pain helped me feel. It helped ground me when I hallucinated or had panic attacks.”

“...Do you feel anything now?”

“Yeah, I’m getting better Tech. I’m hallucinating less and I’m getting better at managing anxiety attacks. At this point, it's just a habit that I can’t drop.” 

“Do you want to drop it?”

You fell silent. You never really considered stopping before. Before, you would do it to give yourself something to focus on when you were overwhelmed, but now you would do it out of habit. It somehow felt wrong when you skipped a session and it usually threw your entire day off. You would feel drained for the entire day if you didn’t do it. It was one of the only consistent things in your life.

“(Y/n), c’mon you don’t want to keep doing this, right?” Tommy asked before Wilbur reached over and slapped him upside his head. 

“I think,” you breathed out, unsure of yourself, “I want to get better.”

Techno looked at his brothers. “Did you two take their blades?”

Tommy held up the iron dagger and wove it around haphazardly in the air. Techno reached over and pocketed the dagger before discarding his golden crown and placing it on your nightstand. He took off his weighted fluffy cloak and neatly draped it over a nearby chest. He maneuvered his body so that he was laying on your other side and wrapped a lazy arm over your chest. 

With Wilbur on your right side with your wing draped over him, Tommy laying on your stomach with Wilbur reaching down to hold him, and Techno pulling you close to his body, you were pleasantly warm. You were slowly drifting off, being lulled to sleep by Techno’s slow heartbeat. You blissfully fell asleep surrounded by your brothers’ love.

Inspo for the cuddle pile (credit goes to og artist, zillychu): https://zillychu.home.blog/tag/heart-squad-cuddle-pile/

Taglist (comment if you want to be added):

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[honeyatsu]

Loner (Junpei x F!Reader)

Reader implied POC! but ofc anyone can read <3

warnings: none that I can think of

Summary: 

Junpei was suspicious of you. He always felt the world was filled with people who were naturally evil in some way, until you came into his life and challenged his theory.

masterlist

Spotify playlist - all the songs I listened to helping me write this story. lmao and songs that helped inspire some parts. Think of it as an unorganized soundtrack. 

AO3

a/n: Hiii. He deserved better. I was rewatching and got mad all over again. The first time I saw his character arch I almost threw the whole show away lmfao but I can’t wait to continue the manga during summer! There wasn’t enough content so I decided to make some. 

The familiar dark marble floors were all Junpei would keep his eyes on as he walked to his next class, the chatter of his fellow classmates bouncing around the walls acting as background noise he would attempt to mentally cancel out. Junpei didn’t bother to look anyone in the eye, it’s not as if he had anyone to look forward to seeing anyways truthfully. High school was supposed to be a place where the best memories were made, but Junpei couldn’t relate to those empty promises of those being his best years. Everyday feeling as if there was a target on his back for his unfriendly peers; he would do his best to hide within the shadows he felt comfortable in, doing his best to make himself as invisible as possible. His only goal was being to survive the day without being bothersome to others.

Just as before, staring at the ground and ignoring the chatter going on in the classroom he made his way to the conjoined desk in the back of the room. He sat on the desk and began pulling out the material, his first time raising his head during the day to scan the room, everyone but one other person having a sitting partner. It didn’t sting him that he was sitting alone, that’s how things usually went for him. He was either alone or ostracized, finding being alone the better option of the two.

As the teacher began to lecture about the importance of being prepared for the advanced chemistry class, Junpei began to scribble down in his notebook taking notes already. His eyes didn’t leave his notepad until he heard the large bang of the classroom door hitting the wall.

“I’m sorry for being late!” you screamed while bowing to the class, panting and catching your breath with your hands now holding on to your knees. It was easy to tell that you ran to class and still managed to be notably late.

The teachers rolled her eyes at you, unfazed by your obnoxious entrance in the classroom. “Just choose a seat.” She scowled before returning to the beginnings of her lecture.

Your eyes scanned the room before you noticed the empty spot in the combined desk in the back, you didn’t even look at the person who would be sitting beside you, you just knew you wanted the desk farthest away from the front to prevent being called on during class.

Junpei on the other hand cursed himself as he saw you rush to the seat next to him; he knew that the seat was your target as soon as he noticed your eyes land on it. He recognized who you were, he knew who your friends were. Why would you sit next to him? What was your plan, to mock him? His heart was beating rapidly the closer you got, his palms began sweating. He doesn’t know if he can manage being picked on in class, he has never had a personal interaction with you but what made you different from your friends?

You rushed your way to your seat and began to drag the items from your bag onto the desk. Your elbow accidentally bumped into the classmate next to you, the physical action causing a small yelp from the boy. You finally turn to see him, the first thing you noticed were his eyes, they were the kind of green that would kiss over the ground during the beginning of spring time, probably the prettiest green eyes you’ve ever seen. His hair was brown and reached his shoulders, with one bang large enough to cover the right side of his face. You were too enchanted by his appearance that it took you a while to see how uncomfortable he was. His body was slightly trembling as your elbow was still making physical contact with him, his eyes slightly widened, he wasn’t even trying to hide how uncomfortable he was with the accidental physical reaction along with you staring at him as if he had three heads.

“Sorry.” You whispered to him removing your elbow from his side and looking down at your stationary materials, organizing them on the desk. From the corner of your eyes you can see him looking down at his desk, his body was stiff, and you could tell he was still uncomfortable. “If me sitting here bothers you, I’ll move…. it’s just this is a hard class and I don’t want to be called on all the time and embarrass myself.” You turn to face him and see that he still isn’t looking at you. “But please put up with me. I promise I won’t distract you.”

His eyes perked up while hearing your last sentence, he didn’t expect you to have such a kind and sincere tone. He finally brought his head up, slighting turning his head to face you. He couldn’t point out where he’s seen eyes like yours before, and he saw the small smile formed on your lips. People have smiled at him before and he can usually tell how people are feeling by looking at their eyes. He was good at reading people, he had to be just to survive. But he couldn’t read you, he couldn’t tell how you were feeling towards him. He doesn’t remember the last time someone showed him any sort of sincerity.

“No…it’s fine. You can sit here.” He managed to whisper out while looking back down scribbling down some notes.

Fifteen minutes went by, the class slowly dragging out and it being harder to focus. Junpei’s head was starting to feel heavy, he didn’t regain complete focus until he noticed the ink getting lighter on his notebook. He scribbled fast and hard, trying to get ink out before realizing it was completely dry. He cursed himself in his head, his day just starting and already something had to go wrong. Hearing the sound of rough scribbling on the paper your eyes darted to his side, seeing the pen drag only putting scratches on the sheet.

His head turned towards you out of curiosity, hearing the aggressive rustling from you digging in your bag. Your eyes focused and face scrunched up in concentration, your tongue slightly sticking out. He wanted to think you were cute, but he knew who your friends were, and that group was anything but cute. While he was deep in thought about how unfortunate it was that he already knew the type of person you were by your crowd, he almost missed the sense of accomplishment displayed on your face as you pulled out a packet of glitter pens. Your smile grew as you turned to him, realizing he was already looking at you. You were satisfied with the first instance of eye contact with your desk mate. He felt the heat rise to his cheeks; he didn’t need a mirror to know the red hues were forming on his face embarrassed with getting caught staring at you.

“These are my favorite pens.” You whispered to him, still looking at him not caring that he looked away for a second. “I only share these with my friends.” His eyes grew wide, were you going to rub in his face that his pen went out on him? What kind of teasing was this, for you to make fun of something so small? He was appalled that he knew he was right, you sat next to him just to -

“So, lets be good friends, okay?” You cut off his train of thought as you placed a dark blue glitter pen on his desk. He slowly turned to you, seeing the same smile on your face from earlier, the same smile he couldn’t quite read.

He nodded back at you nervously, his hands shaking as he grabbed the pen you placed onto his side of the desk. You nodded to him as you returned to focusing on the lesson, knowing his nod was his way of saying ‘thank you’ without speaking.

Junpei had trouble focusing on the rest of the lesson, hands still shaking while using the pen you let him borrow.

                  ---------------------------------------------------------

Your body ached as you dragged yourself out of the school grounds. Cheer club just ended, and you were exhausted from learning the basics of it considering this would be your first time being in the cheer club. The sun was out still, slowly going down making the sky a mix of yellow, orange and red. The only thing you could think about was going home and hoping that your mom had left over food from the dinner the other day.

While walking to the direction of your house you noticed a boy with a slender build a few feet away from you, and once you saw the long bang you grew excited, recognizing him as the boy you sat next to in class. All the energy you lost regained quickly as you ran up to your new friend. “Hey!” You screamed as you ran into his back, tripping on the cracked ground while making your way towards him. You held on to his sides to prevent you from falling, his body tensed up at the sudden contact and you screaming at him.

His heart dropped, he thought he was able to go an entire day without being picked on. He was confused, he didn’t think you’d bother him too. He made sure to not get in anyways way today, he just wanted a day where he could be in the background and be left alone, but at the last moment of him being on his way home you appeared out of nowhere and ran into him. Were you trying to push him down? Did you get angry he never gave the pen back? Were you being kind to trick him before you finally got to pick on him like the rest of your friends?

“I’m sorry!” You squealed out. You removed your hands from his back and walked towards him, giving him a tired smile.

You apologized for hitting him, why did you apologize?

“Didn’t mean to run into you! I just left my club and saw you walking, I wanted to say hi. I’m sorry for making you uncomfortable, again.” You laughed out awkwardly. Junpei gave you a confused look. He was suspicious of you, what did you want from him for you to constantly acknowledge him unprovoked? Sure, he’ll let go of the class interaction. You guys were desk mates, you were probably being cordial. You lend him your pen because you noticed his ran out, unlike your friends you at least had common decency. But why would you come up to him outside of class? What could you possibly gain from talking to him outside of having to?

The pen. Once he remembered he never gave it back, he retrieved it from his pocket and brought it out, extending his hand out to give it to you. “I-I never said thank you. Here, you can have it back.”

Once you saw what he was trying to do you laughed at his actions, “I gave it to you silly. It’s yours to keep! I mean we’re friends after all, right?”

His breathe got caught in his throat, he felt unable to respond. He tried to find any signs of malice in your face but couldn’t find anything.

“Oh, right. I sound funny declaring friendship when I don’t even think I’ve given you my name! I’m y/n.” You said with a smile.

For the first time, he returned it back to you softly. “Junpei.”

You opened your mouth to say something back, but your next sentence was disrupted with a loud growl from your stomach. Your eyes widened in embarrassment as your squealed and brought your arms to your side, squeezing your stomach.

“Sorry!” you said quickly, “I just left my club. It was a lot of work today, my body is exhausted and I’m starved.”

Junpei laughed at your reaction, you smiled realizing you got another first from him today.

“Hey Junpei, are you busy?”

“Uhm, I was just going to walk home now…” he replied back to you softly.

“How about we get some ramen! I know this great place not too far from school. I was gonna eat at home, but there probably isn’t food anyways. And you’re here so I don’t gotta go alone! You’ll love it I promise, it’s so good.” You continued to ramble on. You didn’t even give Junpei a chance to respond to you before you grabbed his wrist and dragged him along to the direction of the ramen restaurant. You were walking in front of him as he was being dragged behind you, you were holding onto his wrist the entire way there. He was glad you didn’t get a chance to see his flustered face the entire way there.

        ----------------------------------------------------------------------------

“You’re seriously not going to finish?” Your voice was muffled due to your cheeks being stuffed with the food in your mouth. It was hard not to stare at you while you were eating, he’s never seen a girl eat so aggressively or fast. You took a big swallow of the remaining food in your mouth, his eyes grew wide noticing your bowl, completely empty. “How embarrassing, I’m done already.” You whined out noticing his bowl looking as if its barley been touched.

“I don’t eat much.”

“I guess I should have asked if you had an appetite before I invited you. All I did was embarrass myself.” You sighed as you leaned back in your booth, rubbing your bloated stomach for comfort.

“I-it’s okay! Um, I’m…sorry?”

You couldn’t help but laugh at his flustered expression, “You’re real funny, you know?” You took out your phone and whined as you noticed how late it was getting. “It’s getting so late and I totally forgot I had chores! My moms gonna kill me!” You hurriedly got up and grabbed your school bag.

Before you walked away you turned to Junpei, “I hope we do something like this again one day.” And with that being the last thing you said, you ran out of the restaurant and headed your way home.

Junpei was in his head the entire way home. This by far had to be the most confusing school day he’s had. He tried not so hard to think about the classroom interaction, but then you basically forced him to hang out with you after school hours. Friends weren’t something Junpei had a lot of, he grew up being bullied and it followed him even at the age of seventeen. Outside of his few club members, he didn’t really talk to anyone let alone see them after school.

He’s seen you around before, you were pretty popular. You were always surrounded by friends; he can’t say he was fond of any of them. You declared him as your friend, but didn’t you know what your friends did to him? He couldn’t tell if you were genuine, and he wasn’t ready to let his guard down yet. This was too suspicious for him.

All he had on you so far was:

You were very peculiar, your aura screamed kindness but it could be too good to be true. He had just met you after all.

You had a problem with being on time.

Him being in his head made his walk home seem quicker than it usually was, time flew by as he was mentally theorizing who you were as a person and what was your plan with him. He didn’t even hear his mother greet him as he walked in, asking if he was hungry and ready to eat.

“Junpei? Are you not going to eat?”

“Hm?” He finally looked up from the ground facing his mom. “Oh, no. Sorry. I didn’t tell you I went out to eat after school. With a….friend.”

next

[lukescaboose]

So Into You

Hello everyone and Happy Valentine’s Day! I’m so excited to put this out into the world I’ve been working on it for almost a a year and its my first fic in nearly two years. I really hope you guys love it as much as I do and thanks so much if you choose to read it. love you all xx

Summary: Lauren and Harry are best friends who love each other and they both know it but Lauren is too stubborn to admit it.

What’s in it: Sugar sweet best friends to lovers with a healthy bit of smut. Black ofc.

Word count: 24.8k

Spotify Playlist

She couldn’t stop watching him from across the crowded dinner table. She admired him, his charisma and charm, his ability to dazzle a room without trying. She’d always loved that about him, way before she’d realized that she was in love with him anyway. It was his striking personality that had drawn her to him in the first place. Though they had never been anything more than best friends, Lauren was adamant to always let him know how much she appreciated that about him. And as she watched now she couldn’t help the small grateful smile from spreading across her lips. She was lucky enough to experience him for who he was and not because of the fame he had accumulated. Harry was everything to her. He reminded her that there were good people in the world, willing to give the shirt off their backs if it got someone else ahead.

Harry’s eyes met hers from the other end of the table, he offered her a smile and a silly face. She chuckled and looked away, her fingers coiling around the stem of her wine glass. She didn’t know anyone else besides Harry at this dinner party, but she knew how important it was to him that she’d be there. So she made an effort to make small talk with his colleagues around her but was easily lost when the conversation moved towards Harry’s business as the topic. She never cared for the limelight or wealth, her work dealt with children and the smiles she created were well worth it to her. Harry had felt the same, though his life had led him down a different path. His business created affordable living for lower-income families and he was very successful, though that didn’t matter to him.

Their aspiration for creating a change was how he and Lauren met. A benefit concert that Harry had put together drew Lauren’s attention and she brought some of her mentees. While the girls participated in the activities she wandered about to each vendor and learned about more ways to help within her community. It was when Harry had approached her that she thought her heart would lurch from her throat. He was incredibly handsome, dressed in a cream suit with a baby blue button-up undone at his chest. They talked, connected over their professions, and agreed to meet over dinner. It was no more than a networking opportunity, Lauren knew that a donation from Harry would secure a safe living environment for the girls at her group home. But when they met over dinner the conversation was endless and they talked until the restaurant was about to close. Harry had promised to make a donation to her home in exchange for her number. He was wildly attracted to Lauren, her dedication to her craft made him feel safe. She was ambitious, never righteous, and knew just how important her work was to the kids. He’d donate all of his earnings to her if it meant he got to see her again. 

As much as Lauren was attracted to Harry she’d never mix business with her own personal life, she was very adamant about that. Harry didn’t feel the same way but settled for friends if it meant that she’d be in his life. So they’d meet up for drinks often and discuss the labors of their work life, but the more they’d see each other the easier it was to blur the lines between colleagues and friends. Soon enough they’d begun to go over each other’s places and share the intimate details of their lives. They enjoyed each other’s company, knew how many people in their line of work only cared about money. Harry and Lauren both used their heart in everything they accomplished. With Harry’s personality and refreshing outlook on life, it was easy for Lauren to fall into a friendship with Harry - so much so he became her favorite confidant. It was nice for Harry to find someone who wasn’t interested in piggybacking on the tails of his success. Lauren had shared the same vision he did, the reward was simply making a difference. Though if it were up to Harry, he’d put Laurens name on every deal he’d ever signed, at the end of every speech he’d ever delivered. She was very much just as part of his success as he was and he’d never be able to repay her. He couldn’t imagine where he’d be without her, probably wouldn’t have made it as far as he had. Lauren listened to every idea he’d ever had, adding her input to his three A.M. thoughts. Without her, he’d probably be the same twenty-two-year-old kid with a dream.  

The dinner ended with Harry thanking his team for helping him achieve his vision. He made sure to give special thanks to Lauren, which had her smiling sheepishly at her dinner plate. Though he did that often, it never failed to make her cower under the stare of his colleagues. Harry smiled brightly at her from the head of the table reassuring her that without her none of this would have been possible. The opening of a new recreational center was Lauren's idea and she had pushed Harry way past his comfort zone when she presented it to him. The project was their baby and to see it come to light was something neither of them took for granted. Although Lauren wanted none of the praise or acknowledgment, Harry could never pretend as if this was all his doing. 

Lauren watched as Harry greeted and thanked his colleagues for coming. She stayed back, wanting to be the last to speak with him. They were going out for celebratory drinks, Harry’s idea. As the final group made their way out of the restaurant, Harry engulfed Lauren in a hug. “Feels good huh?” He asked her, placing a small kiss to her temple. She pulled away from their embrace, grabbing his hand in hers with a nod. “Really spectacular, Harry.” She beamed up at him. “All thanks to you, love. Still can’t believe you shot down my idea of putting your name on the building.” He frowned. She shushed him with a laugh, pulling him towards the entrance. 

Harry made sure to order Lauren’s favorite drink as she found a table for them to sit at. He brought the drinks back to her, ignoring the frown etched on her lips because he paid. He slid in next to her in the rounded booth, pushing her drink towards her with a smile. “Cheers to another advancement in the community and for all of your brilliant ideas.” He extended his glass to hers. She rolled her eyes jokingly at him but clanked her glass against his anyway. Harry grabbed her hand that rested on the table, capturing her gaze with his own with a bout of sincerity. “Thank you, Lauren, seriously. I couldn’t have done this without you.”  His calloused thumb rubbed over the smooth skin of her hand and she smiled. “We make a good team.” She grinned. “You give me any more ideas and I’m putting you on the payroll.” He chuckled over the rim of his glass, earning himself another eye roll from Lauren. “M’just supporting your vision.” She reminded him, taking a sip from her beverage. “Our vision.” He corrected her swiftly.  She smiled at him then, his kindness something she never took for granted. It was one of the reasons she found herself so desperately falling for him. He made it so hard for her not to want him in the ways that she did. She moved her hand from his hold and brought it to toy with her hair. She’d worn it natural tonight, the curls retracting when she let the strand free. 

“Like your hair like tha’.” He remarks, eyes following the actions of her fingers. Her gaze follows his, the curl she’d previously been playing with in front of her eyes now.

 “Thank you, took a long time.” She sighs, pushing the curl from her vision. He laughs, finishing the contents of his glass.

 “I know, seen you on wash day plenty of times.” She chuckles, shaking her head. “S’my favorite though.” He finishes with a sigh. A compliment was never far from his lips when he was around Lauren. Most of the time he did it without realizing it, always wanting to share whatever was on his mind with her. Other times he complimented her just because he liked the way her eyes shifted after. He found it funny that she always acted as if she’s heard something that wasn’t meant for her. That only made him reassure her that he was in fact speaking to her. She was gorgeous and he’d always tell her, she deserved to hear it. Lauren’s palms always got sweaty whenever he did that. She had never felt so seen and acknowledged as she did when she was around Harry. He was always bragging about her, even if he was the only one to hear it. He’d always felt that things that were incredible needed to be celebrated - in this case, his “thing” was just a “who”. She smiles appreciatively, the melanin in her skin hiding the inevitable blush. He never failed to make her flush. 

“You’re too kind.” She laughs, finishing the contents of her drink. The remaining ice hits the glass audibly and she sighs, settling back into her seat.

 “Only to you.” Harry winks at her, fanning a fire inside her chest that only he could put out. When he leaves to grab them a refill Lauren lets out an audible breath. She always feels like she’s holding the air inside her lungs whenever she’s around Harry. His compliments and praise suffocate her to the point where she feels dizzy. And if this were the way she was to die she’d be more than okay with that. She had never felt this way in her entire life. Men and relationships came and went, but this one she felt everywhere. It was like he had cast a spell on her, consuming her thoughts with every waking word and she didn’t mind but always felt relieved when she came back to earth. He was just so charming, to the point where it was hard to focus on anything else but him. She knew it wasn’t only her that felt this way, Harry had a way about him that would captivate his company. He drew people in, that’s what he was good at, and for her, he’d never stop until she succumbed to his charm. 

“For you, angel.” He slid the glass towards her, making himself comfy by her side. She smiles and thanks him, expelling the air between her lips after she swallows. “How’re the girls?” He asks, the tension is thick between them but he had grown used to it by this point. It was always like this, tense but comfortable, exciting even. Harry always looked forward to the times where they could be alone and catch up, even if he spent the majority of the time thinking about how beautiful she was. Lauren wipes the condensation from her glass onto a napkin, her eyes gleaming as she thinks about the girls from her job. 

“They’re great.” She responds with a chuckle, “So wickedly smart those girls.” Her mind travels to her mentees and how they always kept her on her toes with their insightful questions. They were always changing Lauren’s perspective on things and sometimes she felt that they were teaching her more than she was teaching them. 

“That’s great. And everything with the home is okay?” He queried and she nods with a smile. 

“What about you, big shot? Any new news that I should know?” She shoves at his shoulder lightly, having read in the paper that he had opened a new development on the west side of town. He laughs lightheartedly, his hand reaching up to wipe over his mouth. 

“I’ve been quite busy.” He shrugs then places his arm over the back of the booth. Lauren finds it difficult not to fall into his side. Even though she desperately wants to and Harry hopes that she does.

 “I’d say.” She chuckles. She places her chin in her hand, turning her body towards Harry’s. He fights the urge to lean into her, always wanting to be closer than what she’d allow. “Proud of you.” She murmurs, brown eyes watching over his face. He smiles a dimpled smile at her and clinks his glass against hers as a thank you. 

It's quiet for a moment, the bar is more upscale with very few patrons and Harry is grateful. Though he knows better than to think anything different, he almost lets himself believe that they’re on a date. Every moment spent with her felt intimate, whether those were her intentions or not, and most times Harry didn’t mind playing pretend. “You know,” He drags out the words, catching Lauren’s attention and she fights the urge to roll her eyes. Whenever he started a sentence that way a new idea followed. 

“Why don’t you take a break for a while, H. Bask in the moment for a bit.” She sighs, gently placing her hand over his. Lauren had come to learn very quickly that Harry wasn’t very fond of rest. Unlike herself, he was always bouncing from one venture to the next. She always felt like she needed a month's rest after one big thing. Though they were polar opposites, they worked together and were always pulling each other out of their comfort zones.

 “I know, love. Which is exactly why I booked us a getaway.” He grinned, that stupid grin that always made Lauren’s insides quiver. She furrowed her eyebrows at him, the confusion setting in after the initial shock. Harry gripped her hand that was already on his, squeezing gently as he beamed at her. “Know you’ve got some time off and I know how hard it is for you to actually distance yourself from your work. So, I figured, why not get away so you can actually take care of yourself for a bit.” He shrugs sheepishly and she continues to stare at him in bewilderment. Finding it hard to believe that he had actually done something like this. Not that this was something he’d never do, getaways were always something he’d bring up. But each time, Lauren would shoot it down with the excuse of work. It wasn’t that she didn’t want to go, she didn’t trust herself to go. Now she had no excuse, no safety net to catch her when she was in this kind of predicament. The way he was looking at her with such hopeful eyes was enough for her to contemplate saying yes for a moment. 

“Please, Lau” He pleaded when she was quiet for a moment too long. “You know how much we both could use this and there’s no better time. I’m stepping away for a bit since this project is completed, and I’d love nothing more than to run away for a bit with you.” She couldn’t help but smile softly at his words, even in the midst of her panic. There was no excuse good enough that he would accept, and she had no real reason not to go. Harry knew her boundaries and always respected them, she had no reason to believe that anything would change when they went away.

“How long?” she raised an eyebrow at him and his smile grew, knowing she was cracking. 

“Five nights,” He felt giddy as his body leaned in towards hers. “Santa Monica, beach view, close to the pier.” 

“Hotel?” 

“Airbnb.”

Her smile grew larger as the excitement set in, just as Harry knew it would. She had mentioned one time, a feeble excuse to get out of a vacation, that hotels were just as strict as work. She hated the rigidness and that you could never make a hotel feel like home. She always felt like she was sharing her vacation with a hundred other strangers, the shared amenities alone were enough to make her stay as far away as possible.

 “Fine.” She grinned.

 “You’re gonna love it, I promise.” Harry went on to explain the intricate details of their trip. They would leave that upcoming weekend, all their expenses were paid for. And he was certainly not budging on that. “You wouldn’t even let me compensate you for the brilliant idea of a rec center, Lau. Let me do this for you, Lord knows you deserve it.” He sighed. He ran a hand through his hair exasperatedly, her stubbornness has always been something he could do without. He admired it at times, adored it others, but when it got in the way of him trying to express his appreciation for her, he hated it. She stuck her tongue out at him teasingly.

 “I’m paying you back whether you like it or not.” She huffed, pulling her hand away from his albeit reluctantly.

 “And I’ll match it and donate it to a foundation of your choosing, princess.” She crossed her arms over her chest like a child which only made Harry chuckle.

 “Thank you, but I hate you right now.” She pouts. 

Harry shrugs and nods his glass towards her, “You can hate me on the beach, darling.” 

***

“All packed, lovie?” His voice echoes through the receiver as her phone lays on her dresser. She huffed, loud enough that she knew he’d hear it, whilst shoving random items into her dusty suitcase. It took her forever just to find the old thing. Mostly reserved for trips back home - which were few and far between - it was shoved in the back of the hall closet. She had made a list loaded with essentials to bring, but she wished she had cuter outfits to bring. It was stupid and she knew it, but despite how many times she told herself she shouldn’t, she wanted to impress Harry. 

“Just about, wish I had some new things to wear. Meant to go shopping this week but got caught up at work every day.” She groaned, pulling a bikini from her bottom drawer. It was barely enough to be considered cute but it would have to do.

 “Can always go shopping when we get there.” His voice sounded further away now, she reckoned he’d put the phone down somewhere as she had.

 “And overpay ridiculously at some tourist shop? No thanks.” She chuckled, now going through her summer basket.

 “I’ll take you to the nearest Target as soon as we land, how’s tha’ sound?” She laughed loudly, wishing she could smack away the smirk that was adorning his features inevitably. 

 “Oh I’ll be holding you to that, can’t possibly bring all my hair products on the plane.” The thought of that made her slightly nauseous. She didn’t want to pay for products that she wouldn’t be able to bring back home, but it was a small price to pay for a free vacation. 

“Thought you had an appointment to get your hair braided today? S’that why I never got those pictures I asked for?” She could practically hear the pout in his voice, and it was moments like these that made it difficult to distinguish what their relationship really was. She was certain he had only meant that he wanted to see her hair because that is what any friend would want, but her mind allowed her to believe that he was genuinely interested. Which he was, but Lauren was too stubborn to see anything for what it truly was. 

“I was getting butterfly locs, doofus, had to cancel last minute though.” She sighed at another added stressor.

 “Can’t go tomorrow? Our flights not til 10:30 at night, love.” He was closer to the phone now, sat on the end of his bed, and thinking of any way to make things right for her. He didn’t want her to worry about her hair or anything else for that matter, which is exactly why when he booked the hair appointment he had also placed a deposit for the next day just in case anything should go wrong. 

“Probably not, she’s definitely booked by now.” Lauren didn’t want to dwell on it much, though she knew how much she wanted that hairstyle. She could never find the time to get it done and thought it was perfect for a vacation of any sort. 

“Give her a call tomorrow morning, bug. Doesn’t hurt to ask.” Harry tried to sound as nonchalant as possible, knew she’d flip her shit if she knew what he’d done. 

“I’ll have to pay extra, it’s not even worth it.”

 He rolled his eyes on his end, “About the same amount you’ll waste on hair products, I reckon. You want your hair done, go get it done.” He huffed, hoping that would do the trick, he had no other moves up his sleeve. She was quiet for a moment and he knew she was contemplating his suggestion. 

“Fine. I’ll call her, but I don’t want to be let down again.” She picked at the lint on her carpet as she bit her lip and Harry tried his best not to chuckle.

 “If it doesn’t work out I promise to help retwist your hair every night before bed, deal?” He smiled at nothing in particular, laying back against his duvet while thinking about just how soft her hair was. He even contemplated canceling the appointment just so he’d have the chance to be close to her. 

“You’re impossible.” She laughed. The thought of not calling at all crossed her mind for a moment before she pushed it away, telling herself she’d revisit his words later. 

They’d hung up the phone a bit later after Lauren promised to share the outcome of tomorrow morning. Harry was excited to revel in just how happy she’d be to look the way she wanted and he was happy he was able to do that for her. He’d do anything just to see her smile, the consequences he was sure to face for it were minuscule. 

***

Just as he knew he would, the next day at around 2 o’clock he received a call from an angry Lauren. He quickly switched the call to video just to see her pretty face and couldn’t keep the grin off his own. She looked more gorgeous than he ever thought imaginable - though he thought that whenever he saw her - it was hard to focus on the irate nature of her tone. Apparently, when Lauren went to pay, the hairdresser spilled the beans that an English gentleman had already footed the bill, and had left a pretty generous tip. Which left Lauren flushing and dodging questions from her regular stylist with empty promises to answer her inquiries later. She rushed from the salon to call Harry immediately, her skin on fire with anger and simultaneously, appreciation.

 “Well aren’t you a vision?” He interrupts her rant as soon as her camera connects which makes her stutter out a thank you in the midst of her rambling. 

“You’re racking up quite a bill here, Styles.” She huffs as she gets into her car, and Harry can’t keep his eyes off his screen. He was sure that this vacation was sure to put the nail in his coffin but he didn’t mind. He had it bad for her and would do it again and again.

 “S’ nothing if I get to see you smile.” He reminds her, rolling over in his covers. He was faintly aware of just how late in the day it was becoming but figured rest was best before a vacation where his thoughts and attention would solely be on her. He ignores the way she rolls her eyes, his eyes watching the golden charms wrapped around her hair. “Seriously though, your hair looks very nice.” He hums and watches as she bites her lip to avoid smiling. 

“How’d you know what hair to buy, anyway? You didn’t even know what they were called.” She pesters.

 “Oh, I have my ways, darling.” Truthfully he had asked for a detailed list from the hairstylist on where to go and what to buy. He insisted that he pay for her time but she told him he had already given her plenty, which didn’t stop him from tipping her slightly more than necessary. 

“You make it so hard to be mad at you.” She scowled. Harry followed with a deep laugh, only wiping the frown from Lauren’s face just as quickly as it had formed.

 “Because I don’t deserve for you to be mad at me!” He grinned widely at his phone, all consumed with her presence.

 “That’s for me to decide, Styles. I’m not talking to you for the whole flight, swear it.” She nodded in agreement with herself, which only made Harry laugh harder.

 “We both know I don’t need your response to talk your ear off, sweetheart.” And he was right, that was one of the things Lauren loved most about him, his rambling. She could be dead asleep and he’d talk just to hear his thoughts aloud and she truly did not mind. She couldn’t count the times she had fallen asleep to the sound of his voice whether it be over the phone or in person. In fact, she preferred succumbing to sleep that way. The slow forming words on rose-colored lips painted her dreams anyhow.

She’d made it the entire ride to the airport, the trek through security, and half of the wait for boarding without talking to him. A task that was easier said than done. He was purposefully bringing up topics he knew she loved to talk about, and reveled in the way her face would twist when she caught herself opening her mouth to respond. She was more than ready to give up the charade but knew his satisfaction was not something she wanted to hear about. So she persisted, busied herself with her emails, and ignored Harry’s remark about taking a break from work. 

“How long y’gonna torture me like this, love?” His hushed tone against her ear had her shifting nervously in the uncomfortable airport chair. “Reckon everyone around thinks I’m just some lonely lad.” A cold shudder ran down her spine at his proximity and the feeling of his breath against the shell of her ear.  She was frozen in her place for a moment, the tempest in her brain willing her to give in. She needed to stay strong, assert any type of willpower at this moment. She figured it was time to change the outcome of how these things usually go. He was pulling all his stops and normally this is where she’d cave. But Lauren wondered what would come next, although against her best interest. So she stuck to her guns. She slid further into her chair, crossing her legs to draw Harry’s attention, and continued to scroll. He huffed, his hair tickling her cheek as he dropped his head dramatically. 

“Fine.” He slouched into his own seat, grumpily looking down at his own phone. His obvious pout was visible from Lauren’s peripheral and she found it difficult not to stare at it. Her thoughts reminded her that she was only punishing herself. So he had done a nice thing, so what? When’s the last time that anyone had been so thoughtful? The man had made two appointments and picked out braiding hair. But that was precisely the problem. Those were the reasons why she was as mad as she was. Harry had once again made it harder for her to distinguish the nature of their relationship. Then she was reminded that the only reason Harry was being kept at arm’s length was because of her in the first place. This then brought up the impenetrable fact that the relationship that they had built was too special to damage with self-indulgences. So the indifferent look on her face remained for just a while longer. Until they were seated next to each other, closer than could possibly be comfortable, she hated airlines for that. Unbeknownst to her, Harry was tempted to buy the first-class seats but knew better not to. No matter how uncomfortable he was in the tiny seats of economy-class. 

“Can’t leave me lonely the whole trip, can you? I’m on my knees here, darling.” He pleaded, trying his best to meet her eye but she wouldn’t let him. 

“You’re sitting actually.” She said pointedly, still making an effort to not return his gaze. He sighed in relief, dropping his head against her shoulder.

 “Geeze, love had me dying.” He mumbled. “Thought I’d have to start singing to ya.” He slumped into his chair, making himself as cozy as possible.

 “Wouldn’t have minded, know how much I love when you sing.” She teased, offering a small smile that tugged on the corner of her mouth. Harry flushed at her compliment, he only ever sang for her and his mum. He drops his head with a sheepish grin, fingers fiddling his rings for a second. Lauren softens deeper when she catches his diffident actions, knowing just how vulnerable he is about that area of his life. 

She had caught him singing on accident the first time, they were making dinner in the kitchen of his place, one of his many playlists going in the background. She remembered chopping onions to ‘Sparks’ by Coldplay when she’d heard him. It was faint at first, barely audible over the music, but this enticed her to listen harder. She turned from her position quickly, walking to his side of the kitchen to grab the kitchen towel. She was happy he hadn’t stopped when she approached him and decided to not comment on it then. He was rather good, a lovely voice she’d noted. It was unlike Harry to not flaunt the areas he was rather good in and Lauren figured it was something he wasn’t keen on sharing.  It wasn’t until he sang twice more that she spoke up. They were in her living room, the TV muted and a playlist of her own droning in the background. That was how they shared songs with each other, shazam’ing secretly in the other’s presence. Mac Ayres’s ‘Slow Down’ was playing softly and Harry began to sing absentmindedly.

 “Y’know this one?” She’d said without considering it, closing her mouth quickly afterward. Harry looked at her guiltily, nodding with a small chuckle. 

“Looked it up last time you played it.” He admitted. Lauren grinned, she always took secret pride in introducing Harry to new things. 

“You’ve got a nice voice, by the way.” She scrolled down her timeline in an effort to not watch for his reaction, knew he’d be a bit embarrassed. Which he was, he’d never thought of the possibility of Lauren actually hearing him. He knew that it wasn’t unlikely that she had, he had become that comfortable with her he supposed. But nevertheless, the compliment had him turning crimson. She never said anything about it after that. She wanted him to be comfortable around her, a safe space like he was for her. 

“Maybe I should sing more often if it means you’ll be mad at me less.” He chuckled, scratching his jaw in recovery.

 “Maybe you’ll be so busy singing, you won’t be able to do the things you do that make me mad.” Lauren smiles a closed-lipped sarcastic smile which only makes Harry grin.

 “Touche.”

 The seatbelt light dings then, signaling their takeoff and their attention is lost from one another. Lauren turns to look out the window, her blanket folded over her legs. She wore shorts in preparation for the warm weather upon their arrival, but it was a terrible idea. Her thighs stuck to every chair she sat in and the peeling of her skin from the fake leather was causing irritation. Harry could see the grimace in her face whenever he extended his hand to help her up, and at first, he thought it was because she was angry with him. It was when she rubbed tenderly at the back of her thigh that he realized. He offered to buy her some sweats from the tourist shop but the scowl she’d made was enough for him to not push it further. That was exactly what had gotten him the silent treatment in the first place. Instead, he placed his courtesy airline blanket over her chair before she sat down. Lauren wanted to be mad that he continued to be unreasonably sweet to her even without paying for anything, but she was too relieved to care. She had also worn short sleeves - which was a rookie mistake - and was deciding if it was her legs or arms that would suffer. Harry had layered up and truthfully didn’t mind. Lauren unfolded the blanket and extended some to him with a small apologetic smile. He returned one of his own, lifting the armrest between them.

 “Here get some rest, you had a long day today.” Lauren rests her head against his shoulder without a word, more than grateful for his offer. Harry rests his cheek on her head, inhaling her scent quietly. 

***

“Wake up, love.” Harry puts the rental in park, reaching over to gently touch her arm. “Food will be here soon.” Lauren lifts her head from the window, groggy and disoriented. She groans, stretching within the small confines of the vehicle.

 “What’d you order?” She grumbles, stifling a yawn with her words as she undoes her seatbelt.

 “Chinese. Got that sushi you like too.” He smiles softly at her though she’s not looking. He had decided that he’d let himself play pretend for a while, figured it couldn't hurt to just let himself be. If that meant living in delusion for the duration of their vacation, then so be it. He’d be there waiting until she wanted to make it a reality anyhow. 

The Airbnb was very quaint and sweet. Harry tried hard to find something that would feel like home for Lauren and still offered a nice view of the beach. He walked behind her through the front door, lugging a suitcase and waiting anxiously for her reaction. The layout of the space was open, not too much focus on the living room but rather on the kitchen that harnessed the view of the pier. Bright blues and grays decorated the home, deep mahogany hardwood adding just the right touch of home. 

“Oh, H.” Lauren breathed, her eyes wide as she took in her surroundings.

 “Do you like it?” He asks nervously, placing the suitcase by the door. There were more bags to be grabbed from the car, but he was enjoying the look on Lauren’s face far more.

 “It’s amazing, Harry. Really, I love it.” She turns to him, sporting a smile larger than Harry has ever seen her wear, and he wishes he could make her smile like that every day for the rest of his life. His arms wrap around her figure when she embraces him, placing a small kiss on his cheek. “Thank you, I appreciate this.” She says, letting her fingers graze his face in their close proximity. Lauren smiles gently, hoping that her words were enough to express just how appreciative she really is. No one had ever gone as far as to consider the small details that were important to her. She was genuinely grateful to have a friend like Harry.

“Anything to see you smile, you know that.” He speaks softly, the pad of his thumb rubbing small circles at her back. He places a slow kiss on her forehead, letting his lips linger for far longer than they should before pulling away. “I’m gonna grab the rest of our stuff.” His tone is just above a whisper, and Lauren is too enchanted with him to say anything before he’s out the door and down the porch steps. 

She was enamored by her surroundings, Harry’s sweet touch, and his words - things that would usually overwhelm her. But given her circumstances, she had never felt more cared for, the grave she had dug for herself had just become several inches deeper. She ran her hands along the cold stone of the large island, gazing into the darkness out the large windows. There was an alcove on the opposite side of the room that overlooked the scenery that was sure to be stunning in the morning, and Lauren was glad she had brought her favorite book along. She wanted to wait for Harry before going on a proper tour of the home, but curious eyes had her wandering down the long hallway. From what she had seen, there seemed to be no upstairs to the home and she was grateful. She hated homes that felt divided into too many parts. She decided to wait for Harry before checking the rooms out and made her way back to the kitchen. On the opposite side, there were large sliding doors that led out to a massive backyard with a pool that was lit up a light purple color. The air warmed her skin as she ventured outside, eyes resting on the patio set that would be perfect for breakfast in the morning. She made a note to wake up early so she could make breakfast for him. She’d already noticed that the cabinets and fridge were stocked full of groceries, surely something Harry had arranged, and she wanted to do something special for him. 

“Gorgeous isn’t it?” His voice startled her, only bringing a smile to his face as he leaned against the doorframe. She turned to face him, a shocked expression on her face and he couldn’t tell if it was the view or his sudden reappearance that had caused it. Lauren shifted on her feet, looking back out towards the view where she could vaguely make out the shape of the sea. “It really is, Har. I can’t thank you enough.” She breathes, fidgeting with her fingers as she speaks. The thought of how much he must’ve spent on such a nice stay made her uneasy but she figured she’d just enjoy it, there was no use in arguing over it.

 “The food’s here if you’re hungry, darling. After we eat we could go on a little tour if you’re not too tired.” He hums, twisting his rings around his fingers. He wasn’t uncomfortable with her around, only slightly surprised that he had even made it this far. He knew it would be a long shot to even get her to agree to come along with him, and it was nice to see that his efforts weren’t in vain. Harry honestly thought he’d take the trip by himself and sulk around the pier for a week. He hadn’t thought about what would happen if she actually came along with him, figured he wouldn’t get his hopes up with wishful thinking. 

“That sounds lovely actually.” She sighs, her stomach growling at the mention of food and Harry offers his hand to her before leading her into the kitchen. Lauren ushers him to sit, telling him the least he can do is let her make his plate. They had similar ways of showing their appreciation for each other, though Harry spent way too much money. Lauren liked to do little things for him, pick up a book he hadn’t gotten around to purchasing, unloading his dishwasher every now and again. They were always subtle actions that she didn’t think Harry realized but he always did. It was the way those little thoughtful acts made him feel that had him showering her with gifts and his constant attention. Those things were priceless to him and everything he did was in an effort to repay her. 

He remembered when he moved to Georgia after finishing college and how he felt like it would never feel like home. He had always figured he’d move back to England after school but there were more opportunities in the states for him. The first year was lonely, so he threw himself into his work and made friends that way, but nothing felt quite right. He always felt like a visitor until he met Lauren, she was his roots. Not the job, or his apartment, but her. As he watched her plate his food for him he couldn’t help but smile fondly at his best friend. She didn’t know it, but she was the reason he had stayed in Atlanta for as long as he had. Sure new opportunities had arisen for him in various places, but he only wanted to be wherever she was. 

“Better than home, huh?” She said over a mouthful of food. They had eaten mostly in silence, tired from a long day of traveling. The silence was nice now that Harry wasn’t being forced into it. He nodded while wiping his mouth, chuckling at Lauren’s terrible table manners. “Only by a little, you know how good the food is back home.” He leaned back in his chair, pushing his cleared plate away from him. She nodded in agreement, setting her fork on her own plate and letting out a sigh of content. Harry moved to clear their spots but she stopped him, insisting that she’d do the dishes in just a bit. He frowned at her but she wasn’t budging, grabbing his hand in hers to keep him seated.

 “You can throw away the garbage, but I’ll clean up. Let me, please.” She sighed, knowing that if she let him she’d never lift a finger the whole trip. 

“Deal, but let’s do the tour first then we’ll clean and unpack its getting late.” It was a little after one in the morning and the pair were exhausted. 

Harry kept her hand in his for the entire walk around the house, most excited when he showed her the courtyard, promising her it was more spectacular in the daytime. Lauren was in awe of everything he showed her, thinking that even if they never left this rental home her trip would still be well spent. He watched her choose which room she wanted, chuckling gently when her eyes widened at the size of the master. Complete with an en suite that encompassed a clawfoot tub she almost drooled at, she insisted that Harry take the largest room. Of course, he was prepared for the stubborn conversation that followed and in the end, Lauren’s suitcase was placed at the foot of the bed. She feigned a pout as she unpacked her bags, but Harry could see just how happy she truly was. His room was just across the hall, with an equally spectacular view just sans a patio. Harry didn’t care where he slept as long as she got everything she deserved. 

“Afraid your bed is comfier than mine.” He groaned, pushing his face deeper into the mountain of pillows. 

“Oh don’t start! I told you to take the room.” She stood at the end of the bed with her hands on her hips, a half-folded shirt crumpled in her fist. Harry laughed tiredly, rubbing his eyes with his knuckles. 

“M’just kidding, love. I swear a cardboard box would be just as fine right now.” He yawns dramatically, reaching his arms above his head.

“Head on to bed then, H. Know you’re tired.” She hums, putting the last of her things into the dresser. She liked putting her things away even when on vacation, it made her feel slightly more comfortable with staying somewhere that wasn’t home. 

“I should, shouldn’t I?” He sits up and runs a hand through his disheveled hair. She hums and makes her way towards the bathroom to wash her face. “Goodnight, love. I’m right across the hall if you need a cuddle.” He says sleepily. 

Lauren smiles at him through the mirror as he stands behind her, placing a small kiss on the back of her head. “Might take you up on that, I can never sleep well the first night of vacation.” She sighs, rubbing her cleanser into her skin gently. 

“Well if that’s the case I’ll just sleep in here with you tonight. Can’t have you tired on our first day.” He hums. She nods, more excited than she dared to admit out loud about sharing a bed with him. Sure they had plenty of times before after a night out or a hang out that lasted a bit too long. But it had been a long time since the last time.

 “I’ll go get ready for bed, be back in a minute.” She nodded again without a word, finishing up her routine by brushing her teeth. She was slightly happy that she had made it around to do some shopping and had picked up a couple of cute pajama sets.  The thought of wearing her oversized t-shirts on vacation wasn’t all that appealing and nice pajamas were always good to have. 

A few moments later as promised, Harry was snug in her bed waiting for her. It was definitely a sight she could get used to but decided not to think about too much. She tossed her old clothes into her travel hamper that she’d neatly set up in the closet before making her way to the dresser. Harry watched her with curious eyes as she applied lotion to her skin, making a note that she always used that brand before bed, he was sure to buy her more when they got home. He watched as she put her hair up into her bonnet, giggling sleepily at how cute she looked.

 “Literally takes you an hour just to get into bed, come on I’m sleepy.” He whines, sinking deeper into the covers. She laughs, assuring him that she’s almost done. She takes off her rings and places them neatly with the rest of her jewelry before climbing into bed and turning off the bedside lamp. Harry extends his arms to her, willing her to come closer and she obliges, settling softly against his chest. She doesn’t mind when he entwines their legs, twisting their bodies together so it’s hard to tell where his begins and hers ends. 

“So happy you’re here.” He murmurs, his breath tickling at her ear. Lauren’s stomach swarms within itself as he pulls her impossibly closer, fingers tracing aimlessly at her back.

 “Happy to be here.”  

Untangling herself from Harry the next morning was one of the hardest things Lauren feels she has ever had to do. He was so warm and the way he groaned when she pulled away from him almost broke her heart wide open. When she was finally free of his grabby hands and pouty face she shuffled to the bathroom, promising that she’d only be gone for a minute. It was the only thing that the sleepy man would acquiesce, although she knew she wasn’t coming back. It was 8:30 in the morning, far too early for Lauren’s liking, but she was excited to cook in the beautiful kitchen down the hall. After sliding on her slippers she quietly made her way towards the door, looking back to see Harry cuddled up with the pillow she had previously occupied. She smiled softly, closing the door behind her. 

Thirty minutes later, the bacon and eggs were cooking and a mountain of assorted pancakes sat prettily on a plate. Lauren sang along softly to Harry’s playlist as she cooked, carefully scrambling cheese into the eggs so they would be perfect. She had cut up some of the fresh fruit and set it up nicely in a glass bowl, everything waiting on the island to be brought outside. Harry wandered groggily down the hall, the smell of food pulling him out of his sleep. He wasn’t all too pleased when he woke up and Lauren wasn’t beside him. He had slept better than he had in a while last night and was looking forward to waking up with her in his arms. Lauren had felt the same, she wasn’t much of a cuddler and usually liked her space when she shared a bed with someone else, but it was different with Harry. With him, she didn’t feel smothered or overwhelmed, but safe and warm. 

“You didn’t come back.” He pouts when he reaches the kitchen, leaning on the counter beside her. 

She chuckles, removing the eggs from the pan and onto a plate. “Made you breakfast.” She smiles and the pout leaves his lips immediately.

 “I know, woke up to the smell of it. Looks good, bug.” She swats his hand when he cheekily pops a diced pineapple into his mouth.

 “S’just about ready, need your help taking everything outside though.” She says as she takes the bacon out of the oven. He nods and begins to fill his arms carefully. Lauren had already brought the plates and silverware out, along with the orange juice and glasses. She followed Harry outside carrying the eggs and bacon, taking a seat when everything was set up nicely. 

“Thank you for this, I appreciate it.” He says once they’re settled and Lauren is done taking a video for her Instagram story. She sighs around a mouth full of pancakes, wiping her mouth when she swallows. 

“The least I could do, really.” She looks out towards the yard, which was even more beautiful in the daytime. They could see the beach from here, the sun glistening on the ocean, and a breeze wafting the scent through the air. 

“What do you want to do today? Didn’t really plan any activities for us so we can relax.” He shovels a forkful of pancakes into his mouth, fighting the urge to moan at how delicious they were. He always loved her cooking and was grateful that she cooked for him often.

 Lauren shrugs indifferently, “Not really in the mood to go anywhere. I do wanna take a bath in that tub though.” She laughs. 

Harry nods along with a chuckle, knowing that would be her answer. “Guess we could hang out by the pool then, sounds good to me.” 

Lauren had stayed in the bath for longer than she had promised, just as Harry knew she would. She could see him go out to the backyard after about twenty minutes of soaking from the window adjacent to the tub. She watched as he applied sunscreen and laid out for a while, and knew it would only be a matter of time before he was knocking on her door because he was lonesome. Just as she predicted, five minutes later he rose from his chair and sulked inside. Lauren couldn’t fight the laugh as she rose from the tub, stepping out carefully. After drying off and putting her robe on she opens the door only to find him standing there, a pout on his rosy lips.

 “I know, I know. I’m coming, sugar.” She breathes, chuckling at his sorry expression. This only makes his frown deepen, moving to the side as she steps into the bedroom. “I saw you out there, looked miserable.” Harry sits on the bed and she opens the dresser to find a suit, pulling out two before tossing the other back into the drawer.

 “Always miserable without you.” He picks aimlessly at the comforter before twisting his rings around his fingers.

 “You’re a whiny little thing, aren’t you?” She chastises him in a feeble attempt to not dwell on his words for too long. She was used to his behavior, knew how vocal he always was about the way he felt. But she was not used to hearing it constantly like she was, and it was becoming more and more difficult to pass it off for just friendly banter. They’d never spent more than 24 hours together, mostly Lauren’s own doing,  and it was becoming easy to think he meant the things he said differently than she thought he had. It was nice to play pretend for a while, but she knew better than that. Nothing good would come out of fantasizing over someone she couldn’t have. 

“Only when you take too long, bug.” Lauren shakes her head at him and goes to the bathroom to change, purposely putting a noticeable pep in her step. Harry laughs behind her, falling back to lay against the covers of the unmade bed. She had reprimanded him for that earlier, but neither of them had made any efforts to fix it. 

When he sits up again his throat goes completely dry at the sight of her in her yellow bikini. He didn’t know much about women’s swimsuits, but he was certain this one was made for her. Unconsciously, he licks his bottom lip, pulling it into his mouth with his teeth as she rubs some sunscreen into her skin. He had seen her in a bathing suit plenty of times before, but that was before he’d fully come to terms with the way he felt about her. She always looked good no matter what she had on and he always was sure to tell her, even before she was the sun, the moon, and the stars to him. 

“S’that new?” He said, shifting to rest with his hand behind him. 

“Yeah, got it before we left. Do you like it?” She does a turn for him and he almost wishes she hadn’t. Her figure was full, hips and an ass to match. Her stomach had some give to it, creating a pudge that she always tried to hide.

 Harry has to manually close his mouth before he responds, shifting in his seat. “You look gorgeous.” He smiles. He lets his eyes rake over her for longer than would be appropriate, but she doesn’t mind. Truthfully, Lauren had bought the suit with him in mind even against her better judgment. She was a bit nervous when she had tried it on because it wasn’t a suit that would hide some of her insecurities. She never liked the way her thighs would jiggle and her behind would shake as she moved, but she knew she didn’t have to worry about those things while around Harry. He always made her feel good about herself and slowly but surely she’d come to agree with him. It was a cruel thing to do to herself, and Harry, but she was enjoying his reaction.

 “Thanks, we match.” She giggles, gesturing to his yellow trunks. He smiles a dimpled smile at her, standing up from the bed and towering over her.

 “I don’t look half as good as you do though.” He compliments her again, unsure if he’s capable of keeping his eyes off of her. 

She’s thankful for the melanin in her skin that hides her blush as she eyes her reflection in the wall mirror. Harry stands behind her, taking in their appearance. He liked that they were matching, however cheesy it was. He pulls his phone from his pocket and opens the camera, grabbing Lauren’s hip to pull her closer. The first few were regular vacation pics. It was when Harry bent down to place his lips to her cheek, that things took a different turn. Lauren was caught off guard, the smile on her face becoming genuine and one of her hands holds his cheek while the other is placed over his at her hip. Harry snaps a few shots, letting his touch linger before pulling away. They review the pictures together and once Lauren has decided on a favorite, Harry sets it as his lock screen. Her smile was wide, her eyes shut as he kissed her cheek. She was a perfect ray of sunshine and now he could be reminded of it every day. 

“Oh, I forgot my sunnies.” She frowns as she digs through her bag again. 

“Got them right here, love. Left them on the dresser.” He sits in the lounger next to her and pulls his own sunglasses over his eyes.

 “You’re an angel.” She thanks him, putting on the frames and chasing the glare of the sun away. She’d made them Piña Coladas and they sipped idly to beat the heat.

 The warmth was welcomed though, Lauren practically lived outside during the nicer months back home. It was nice to feel a warmth only the sun could provide. They laid in silence for the most part, Lauren’s mind adrift and Harry’s as well. She thought about the girls back home and how they were doing, and Harry mostly thought about her. He thought about ways to finally tell her, he thought about what the consequences of those actions may be. He thought about ways to make it so obvious that she couldn’t deny it any longer. Mostly he thought about a scenario in which she loved him back. That one was always the easiest to fall into and hurt way less so he stayed there. In this scenario, she couldn’t rip his heart out with rejection. In this one, she was there at home waiting for him, he was picking her up from work, they shared meals, they slept in the same bed every night. Even though they were sitting a few feet apart, he felt as if she was miles away from him. It was always like this and he wished that things were different. He wished for a life where she would let herself be, where she would let herself be happy. He knew more than anyone just how deserving she was of it, and he wished that she’d let him be that for her. 

“Come swim with me.” He beckons when his thoughts become too much. He tries not to focus too much on the way her skin glows under the sun, her complexion radiant as if she were its favorite.

 She groans as she sits up, and Harry extends his hand to her pulling her from her chair. He doesn’t let her hand go as they move towards the pool step, and Lauren uses him for stability as she tests the water with her foot. It takes her a minute before she adjusts to the water, and Harry follows behind happily once she’s in. He sings along to the music playing from the speaker as Lauren floats around on her back. She wishes there was a float or something so she could still catch some rays, and makes a mental note to stop by a shop tomorrow. The sound of seagulls and Harry’s voice relaxes her to a place where she feels likes she’s floating in a perfect nirvana. The atmosphere he’d created for them just what she desperately needed but would never ask for aloud. Harry swims closer to her when he becomes bored, calling her name softly to not startle her. She hums in response, blinking her eyes open behind her sunglasses, and sits up so she can tread water. 

“What do you think about going out tonight? I’ve got some friends here and they wanna meet up for some drinks.” He pulls her closer to him by her wrist, dragging her to the shallow end and into his arms. She holds onto his forearms as she contemplates his question, mostly thinking of what she brought to wear.

 She nods, “Would love to.” He smiles down at her and places a small kiss on her forehead. 

“Then tomorrow we can head to the beach - the best cure for a hangover.” He smiles softly and she rolls her eyes.

 “Plan on getting me drunk, Styles?” She splashes some water up at him and he chuckles, pulling her closer to his chest to stop her assault. 

“Just a little bit.” 

***

For the first time in forever, Lauren is grateful that she over packed. She had thrown more than a couple of evening outfits into her suitcase just in case they went out to dinner or frequented a bar for the week. She ditched all the blouses and things alike at home and opted to bring more revealing outfits because of the weather. The skirt she picks out is a pretty shade of blue and spandex material with a matching cropped top. She was also grateful she brought her comfy white shoes with the thick heel and open toe. They were her favorite shoes to go out in and were easy to dress up. They made her short legs look longer, and she always felt her best when she put them on. After doing her makeup she dresses, the slit up the side of her skirt adds the perfect amount of sex appeal and she feels she has never looked better. 

She walks into the kitchen to find Harry sitting at the island. He looks away from his phone when he hears the sound of her heels clicking against the hardwood, and he swallows harshly when she comes into view. He himself was wearing cream slacks with a t-shirt tucked into them. His hair was pushed away from his face the way Lauren adored, he always looked much younger when he did that. He lets his eyes rake over her as she stands beside him now and her eyes watch him in bemusement. 

“Y’look gorgeous.” He sighs, licking over his bottom lip when his eyes meet hers again and she smiles gently at him, giving him a spin as always. She mutters her appreciation and Harry pulls her closer to him, holding her at arm’s length to truly admire her. Innocent giggles fall from her full lips as he repeatedly tells her just how good she looks. He couldn’t help but notice how the material hugged every curve she had, the slit on the side showcasing her thick thighs that had Harry near drooling. Her ass is damn near perfect and her heels do wonders for her legs, and Harry knows that this might be one of the longest nights of his life.  Lauren falls to his chest, hiding her face in his shirt, and he places a gentle kiss on the top of her head. 

“Car will be here in just a minute, lovie.” 

The bar was more of a club and when the Uber drops the pair off, Harry grabs a hold of Lauren’s hand, bypassing the line towards the bouncer. Lauren wasn’t sure what his plan was but is pleasantly surprised when the bouncer gives Harry a nod and moves to let them through. Lauren can’t help but move along to the music as Harry leads the way through a crowd of people. The scene brings her back to her college days when fun was expected on every weekend and most weekdays. She admittedly missed going out and dancing, and was grateful that Harry brought her here.

 They make their way to a booth where two other men are sitting, and they jump up as soon as they catch sight of Harry. They’re all jeers and hellos as they embrace and Lauren hangs back for a moment. Harry turns quickly, tugging her closer to his side as he introduces her. Harry had known these guys from college and would visit California often to see them. They were just as attractive as Lauren was expecting, all of Harry’s friends were. Micah was tall, a fade cut, and wearing a suit that seemed very expensive. His smile was warm and inviting, he seemed clean and sharp around the edges. His skin was deep and rich, he was fine. Seth was more on the leaner side, towering over both Harry and Micah. His blonde hair was curly and long, stopping at his shoulders. He too had a perfect smile and a deep charming voice that had nearly knocked Lauren off her feet when he greeted her. She thought quickly that these men would be fun to flirt with, but the idea was gone as soon as it came when she noticed the wedding bands on each of their fingers. 

 They sit at the booth for a while and conversation is easy as Harry gushes about Lauren and all that she was doing. Harry stands to order another drink for each of them once their’s expires, leaving with a kiss on her temple and a promise to only be gone for a minute. The two men share a knowing smirk behind their glasses unbeknownst to Lauren.

 “He never shuts up about you, hasn’t in years.” Seth smiles politely and Lauren grins bashfully.

 “He gets a little excited sometimes, yes.” She shifts in her seat, itching to get on the dancefloor. 

The men chuckle and Micah swishes the content of his glass around. It was very clear to them that Harry still hadn’t made any advances and it was also obvious that Lauren felt the same way that he did. Harry returns just as Lauren is finishing up telling the guys about her life growing up in Georgia. He slides in with a grin, placing his arm around Lauren’s shoulders and pulling her close to his side.

 “Hope these two haven’t bored you half to death, love.” He pushes her drink towards her and she swats at him.

 “Better company than you, I think.” She smirks, pulling her drink to her lips. Harry clutches at his chest in fake hurt and his friends laugh.

 “She’s just as brilliant as we expected. Feel like we’re in the company of royalty with the way you go on about her.” Micah and Seth are all grins as Harry tries to fight the blush from creeping up his neck. Of course, his mates knew just how bad he had it for her and he should’ve known that they wouldn’t let this be easy.

 “What can I say?” He exasperates, “She’s just that perfect.” His hand finds Lauren’s thigh as he chuckles beside himself and she leans into him with a soft smile. 

They go on like that for a while and their glasses remain full. Lauren can feel the effects of the alcohol she’s consumed and she listens in quietly as the men talk business. She was beginning to grow impatient with every song that passed, wanting to release her new energy on the dance floor. Her hand finds Harry’s at her thigh and she places it over his. He gives her a gentle squeeze and she hums, toying with his fingers. She fiddles with his rings for a while, and Harry looks down at her when the conversation slows.

 “Y’alright, love?” He hums into her ear and she nods, glassy eyes looking up to find his. 

“Wanna dance.” She harrumphs, taking a slow sip of her drink. Harry lets a small laugh fall from his lips, nudging her head with his nose.

 “In a minute, yeah? Need to be nice and drunk for tha’.” She giggles drunkenly at that, and he squeezes her thigh again. “I’ll order some shots for us.” Harry announces to the table, “ This one wants to dance.” Lauren lets her head roll back onto her shoulders as she laughs. She downs the contents of her glass and dances in her seat when he returns. Harry does the shots fast, making a face when he finishes and Lauren giggles some more as Micah and Seth begin their banter. 

Soon enough, Harry’s vision is cloudy and he feels the warmness in his chest engulfing him and he bids his friends good night when they decline the offer to join them. He’s pulling Lauren to the dance floor when he hears a song he particularly likes and she follows behind with a giggle, shaking her hips as she holds tightly onto his hand. They form a sort of circle as they move to the beat, the alcohol making their moves slightly untimely. Lauren finds herself gravitating towards Harry, and his hands reach for her hips to pull her towards his chest. She closes her eyes as she moves to the music, her head tipped back as she holds on to his shoulder. One of his legs is brought between her two as she rocks her hips, his breathing is heavy as he watches her. Their chests are pushed together as she sings along to the lyrics, allowing herself to let loose for a moment. He rocks his body into hers, matching her slow movements. Her hand finds the side of his neck after a few songs, tugging him closer to be heard over the loud music. 

“I’m gonna go get another drink!” She shouts. Her inebriated mind allows her to let her lips linger for a moment and she doesn’t move away when he pulls back to look at her.

 “I’ll get it, ‘ve got a tab open!” He leaves a lingering kiss behind her ear before they part and she’s left to dance by herself. Lauren didn’t mind dancing alone and lifts an arm over her head as her feet carry her side to side. 

 When warm hands hold her hips again, she doesn’t think twice as she dances. She falls back against his chest, moving her hips against him. They rock from side to side for a while, until he’s gripping at her thighs and whispering into her ear.

 “Let’s go take this elsewhere.” He groans and Lauren jumps away from the unsuspecting partner. 

The man is, in fact, not Harry, rather Harry is moving his way through the crowd towards the pair. He watches the interaction as he comes closer, nudging strangers slightly. The guy is whispering into her ear and Lauren is shaking her head profusely denying his advances. The look on the man’s face is one of frustration as he throws his arms around to argue his case. Lauren takes a step back and gestures to Harry when he’s in her view.

 “Think I’ll take it from here!” He shouts, nodding in the direction of where the man should go and Lauren takes her drink gratefully. The man scoffs, muttering to himself as he leaves. Harry pulls Lauren back against his chest, bending down to speak into her ear. 

“Should’ve known better than t’leave you by yourself! M’sorry, love.” She hums at the sound of his voice, a shiver raking down her spine. 

Harry doesn’t like the feeling of jealousy that resides in his chest. Doesn’t like the idea that another had their hands on her, and he knows that it’s irrational to think this way, but he can’t seem to help it. He grips her hips tighter in his hands as she dances against him after telling him to forget about it. But he can’t seem to forget it, his empty hand runs along her side as he brings his face to the side of her neck. She extends her neck and he breathes her in, his nose dragging along the sticky skin. Her hand tangled in his hair and she slows her movements, dipping their bodies slowly as she continues to move her hips.

 “You’re so gorgeous.” He groans into her ear, drunkenly kissing at the skin on her neck. She breathes in sharply, her eyes fluttering closed as he squeezes at her thigh. 

She rolls her head to the side in search of his eyes, and he leans his forehead against hers. His drunken eyes are hooded and he can’t seem to look away from her parted mouth. She brings her drink up to her mouth as they continue to move, sipping the rest of it through the straw. Her inhibitions were low enough to let whatever should happen, happen and she couldn’t say that she would mind if they had. He turns her around in his arms and brings his leg back between hers. He drops his face near hers, his breath fanning over her lips. She bites her bottom lip and places her forehead on his as she whines to the music. His lips find her ear again and they brush over her skin when his head sways slightly. He pulls her closer to him by the small of her back, and he can just barely feel the heat of her center against his thigh. 

Lauren’s mind is borderline incoherent from the alcohol and the way Harry was lighting a fire within her. Sure she had danced with many guys in her past, but this was intimate. The way he was grasping at her fleshy hips, beckoning her impossibly closer, this felt personal. He just couldn’t seem to get enough of her and didn’t know how much longer he’d have her this close. His fuzzy mind was telling him to go for it, and the option didn’t look that bad at the moment.

 “So fuckin’ pretty.” He says into her ear, and Lauren bites back a whimper. She’s gripping at his shirt desperately and he brings his face back to hers, nudging her nose with his own. She lifts her chin slightly, begging him to go on and his eyes watch her. Hooded eyes, parted lips, she was totally blissed out and he’d be damned if he missed his moment. 

He takes it. Slowly at first, lips grazing over hers hesitantly. She sighs into his mouth when his lips fully encase hers, soft and supple. They pull apart slowly after the first peck, eyes peering at each other partly in disbelief. Their attention is elsewhere than the club they were standing in, moving too slow for the pace of the music. His hand holds the side of her face as she leans up to look at him. Harry chases her lips again, closing over her bottom lip and tugging. Her fingers entangle in his hair to hold him to her and she presses her chest to his. Their kisses remain slow like their thoughts, pulling at the other’s flesh as eyes pry open slightly. Lauren takes the initiative and tugs at his hair gently, sliding her tongue into his mouth when he gasps. He groans into her mouth, his body alight with a fire he could feel burning through his being. She caresses her tongue over his languidly, pulling kiss after kiss from him. Harry pulls away and captures her bottom lip, kissing at it. 

“Let’s go home.” He breathes into her ear and she nods, slipping her hand through his. 

The Uber ride is all stolen glances and soft touches, an unspoken thing lingering in the air around them. As soon as they’re through the door Harry is kissing down her neck from behind. Lauren hums, falling into his chest as her hand still holds onto his.

 “Let’s get ready for bed, yeah?” He mutters against her skin before releasing her and heading down the hall. 

Lauren stands in her spot, astonished at his behavior but follows him anyway. He turns into his room without a word and she goes to her own, collapsing onto the bed. Her mind runs in circles when she closes her eyes, and she can’t bring herself to change her clothes. The heels alone needed to be unbuckled and she didn’t think she had the dexterity for that. Harry comes in after a few moments and chuckles at the sight of her.

 “Supposed to be getting ready for bed, love.” He teases, sitting on the floor and grabbing her ankle. She sits up to watch him, leaning on her elbows as he places the heel of her shoe on his shoulder. He kisses at her soft skin on her ankle as his fingers undo the belt, massaging at the sore skin when the shoe is placed on the ground. Lauren groans audibly at the feeling, letting her head hang back as he continues. When the other shoe is pulled off he places her pajamas on the bathroom counter. Lauren takes her time changing and washing her makeup off, mentally preparing herself for what might happen. She giggles to herself at the thought that this was actually happening. She wasn’t sure if it was a good idea or not, but her mind had already convinced her that this was what she wanted. She doesn’t focus on the complications of what they’d started, her mind swims with unreasonable thoughts and she can’t seem to identify all the flashing warnings that she’d worked so hard on maintaining. Her rule was to never mix business with pleasure, and if she was being honest, the business aspect of their relationship had dwindled away so long ago. Now Harry was her favorite friend, her favorite soul, and she should take advantage of the opportunity. 

When she comes out of the bathroom, Harry is sat on the end of the bed, fiddling with his rings. He looks up at the sound of the door opening and stands, making his way towards her. He grabs her hand when he’s close enough, and pulls her to him, spinning her so her back is to his chest. A loud giggle falls from her lips as he sways them side to side, planting small kisses to her cheeks.

 “Ready for bed, love?” He hums, raking his fingers up her side. Her satin tank lifts slightly as he goes on and a shiver rolls through her, all she can manage is a nod. She puts her hair into her bonnet before climbing into bed, and his hands are on her again like they never left. Harry’s mind warns him to stop but he can’t seem to and he’s rolling over her and burying his head into her neck. She whimpers as he sucks on the skin, not enough to leave a mark but she’s gripping his hair nonetheless.

 “Completely adore you, bug.” He murmurs against her jaw, pressing soft kisses to her skin. A small whimper leaves her lips and her eyes are hooded. She pulls him closer so their chests are touching, and turns her head to find his eyes. He nudges her nose with his, smiling slightly as she croons. When their lips meet he’s humming contentedly into her mouth. Hands grab at her hips, squeezing in anticipation, and her jaw unhinges enough for him to slide his tongue inside. Lauren rolls them over then, straddling one of his thighs as he lays against the pillows. Their kiss is patient as she hovers over him, her forearms resting beside his head and fingers tangle into his hair. A cheeky hand finds its way to her behind, groping a handful and pulling her up against his thigh. Their lips part when she gasps, her head hanging backward on her neck. Harry smiles to himself at the perfect vision before him, humming when his lips kiss right underneath her chin. She looks down at him through glossy eyes, pressing her hands to his bare chest as she moves over his thigh. He sucks in a sharp breath through his teeth and places his hands around her wrists as she works herself against him.

 “Such a dream.” He says. His words string together slower than usual, and if she weren’t privy to his drunken dialect, she’d have missed it completely. She bends down to place her forehead to his, kissing at his nose softly and his eyes flutter closed.

 “So pretty.” She murmurs and moves to place her head into the crook of his neck, placing small pecks to the skin there. Lauren relaxes as his fingers trace patterns on her back and the world spins when she closes her eyes for too long. “M’so smashed.” She sighs, a giggle follows and Harry can’t help but laugh along with her. He rolls her off of him and leans on his side. His fingers graze at her cheek and she hums, nuzzling into his touch. 

“Kiss me.” She whispers, her eyes peering at him through her lashes. He doesn’t hesitate to move in, placing his lips over hers gently. He can feel her sigh against his mouth, chasing his lips when he moves away. He watches as her face contorts with frustration and he kisses her again, even softer this time. 

“Quite like kissing you.” His voice is below a whisper and she doesn’t think he meant to say it aloud. Her stomach swarms at his confession and she pulls her bottom lip into her mouth with her teeth to fight a smile.

 “Won’t last long.” She sighs, slotting her lips against his once more. He licks into her mouth, swirling his tongue over hers, and huffs into her. 

“What do you mean, pet?” His brows furrow and she’s chasing after him again, pressing a hand to his chest when he comes back to her. 

“Have to forget about it tomorrow.” She sighs against his mouth, jaw hanging slack when he grabs at her ass again. 

“And why’s that?” His teeth bite at her chin as he pulls her against him, eating up every whimper that falls from her sweet mouth. A particularly loud moan of his name has his eyes rolling back to his head, and his ego inflating. Praise from her was the only thing he ever cared about, it was all he ever thought about, and all his actions were done to please her. He loved her, way more than he thinks she loves him and he’s okay with that. He has no other option but to be. 

“Because we’re just friends.” She breathes behind a moan and Harry doesn’t believe her for a second.

 Friends don’t resist each other the way these two have been. There would be no reason to if they were truly just friends. She wouldn’t be melting into his touch, whimpering his name, tracing his tattoos when she thought he didn’t notice. He always noticed. He noticed the way she’d visibly relax when he hugged her, how her eyes averted his gaze when he complimented her. It was why he allowed her to steal his every breath, and consume his every thought. She was into him, and even though she fought it as hard as she could, she wasn’t fooling him. 

“Best friends.” He ruts his hips into her, watching her eyes roll to the back of her head, and he kisses her cheek gently. Her hazy mind pleads with her to stop things, put a pin in them before they can’t take them back. She was her own worst enemy, sacrificing her own happiness for the sake of stability. There was no reason valid enough for her to deny him, but there she was, pushing against his chest and tugging his heart out in the same motion. 

“We’re drunk.” She deadpans. Harry huffs, pulling her closer to him by her hip.

 “Have been for a while now, sweetheart.” His lips search for hers and she succumbs, slipping her fingers through his hair. 

She groans as his mouth works against hers. He tilts his head and she follows until he’s hovering over her. He liked to be in control, he didn’t like the bullshit that she was spewing at him, and this was certain to shut her up. Lauren had never been kissed like this in her life, and she can’t remember the last time she had spent this long just making out. In a way, she wishes she were sober, coherent enough to reminisce on this correctly in the future. She would be lucky if she could remember at all, and in some ways, she hopes she forgets. 

“Harry,” She whines when their lips part for a second and he licks at the corner of her mouth before pushing his tongue inside once more. His forearm finds the pillow on the other side of her head, and Lauren is wrapping her arms around his neck. 

“Keep whinin’ my name like tha’ and I’ll make sure you won’t be able to forget this.” He smirks against her mouth. She whimpers, nails scratching at his scalp. She’s pulling him closer to her, needing the weight of him to remind her of her reality. Though she wasn’t sold that it was a reality she would like to keep, she was certain that she would love him even more tomorrow. 

“Jus’ gonna kiss you to sleep I think.” He hums, slowing their pace down and remaining in control. 

This was the only time he was calling the shots when it came to Lauren, and he was gonna seize the moment in case it never came again. The alcohol in his veins makes his movements sloppy, leaving a trail of himself across her chin. She doesn’t mind, quite liked the desperateness of it all. He’s all teeth as he pulls at her bottom lip, releasing it to watch as it snaps back into place. He admires the way her drooping eyes watch him and he’s sure to put on a show for her. They’re quickly learning what the other liked and Harry silently prays he doesn’t remember this because he's sure the flashbacks would haunt him. He kisses her again, pulling away quickly to watch how her chin chases after him. Her lips are parted as he toys with her, nibbling and suckling as he pleases. Her breathing is slow as their lips move together, relaxation engulfing her. Small whimpers and moans fall from their lips as he continues, wandering hands familiarize themselves. When their kisses begin to slow he rolls them over so her head is tucked into his neck. All she can manage is a quiet hum and he shushes her, fingers tracing over her back. 

***

Harry wakes before her, the sun streaming through the patio doors, bringing him to consciousness. Memories from the previous night flood his mind and he’s pulling Lauren closer to him. He remembers her hesitation, the way she had told him to forget the whole thing. He brings his arm up over his eyes, a headache pounding at his temples, and the mess he had created for himself wasn’t helping by any means. He breathes in her scent as she sleeps, dreading the moment her eyes open and the same realization floods her memory. Harry can’t decide what he would even say to her. Should he confess or act like he didn’t remember as she’d wanted? He wanted to bring it up to figure out why she had pushed him away the way she had. It hadn’t then, but it hurt to think about now. Rejection wasn’t something he experienced often, but it was still his biggest insecurity when it came to her. It was the reason why he had kept his feelings at bay for so long, and now he had gone and ruined everything they’d built. But it wasn’t as if she had rejected him because she hadn’t felt the same, she seemed pretty into it last night. But things always change when inhibitions are back in place, and the sun shines through the light of day. He decides that should she remember he’d tell her and if she doesn’t he’d redo it sober another time. Either way, if she doesn’t bring it up, neither will he. 

The task is easier said than done, he’s nervous all through breakfast and as they pack for the beach he can’t help but stare at her. There was no possible way that she didn’t remember and if she had chosen to put their actions in the past, she was doing too good of a job. Lauren almost wishes she had forgotten, but Harry seemed to be playing it cool so she would too. She figured things would be easier this way, no one would get hurt and their relationship wouldn’t change. Except it had, and Harry was hurting far more than he would care to admit. She continues to pack their cooler and ignore his watchful gaze. It was hard enough to try to misplace the memory of his hands gripping her thighs, or the way he’d said her name. She tried not to dwell on the way her body fit so perfectly against his like they were made for each other. Or the way he kissed her like his life depended on it. But she wasn’t going to speak about it unless he had, just like she asked of him. Now that she thought about it, it was a stupid thing to ask of him, but she knew it would be for the best. 

“Can you grab the sandwiches out the fridge, bub?” She asks, pulling her focus away from her thoughts. Harry turns towards the fridge without a word, tossing the sandwiches onto the counter before walking down the hall. 

She pushes the air out of her lungs and stops her actions once she hears his door slam shut. He remembered, and he was pissed.  He sighs to himself as he changes into his swim trunks. He thought the whole thing was just stupid and childish. He knows that she knows, and the way she could remain so nonchalant about it was bothering him. Was that all he meant to her, was he that easy discardable, had he misread their entire relationship? He knew he had fallen for her and he liked to think that she had too, but had she no feelings for him at all? Maybe she had meant what she said. That they were “just friends”. His stomach is uneasy and he doesn’t think that he can bring himself to face her. He needed a minute to calm the tempest in his mind, but he knew that wouldn’t happen with her in the room right across the hall. 

“Are you upset with me?” Lauren asks after they’ve been sitting on the beach for close to two hours and the conversation is nonexistent. 

They had barely spoken when he emerged from his room, only offering one-word answers to her feeble attempts at conversation. Their walk down to the shore was silent as he carried their bags and she pulled the cooler. She tried to not draw attention to it, to move on in the way that she knew that they should, but he was making it difficult.

 “At you? No. At myself? Yes.” He says. Sunglasses cover his eyes and he doesn’t so much as glance at her. She huffs as she grows agitated with him, flipping onto her stomach to look at him better. 

“We can eat lunch and talk if you’d like?” She offers. It seems that the only way out of this was through it and since Harry wouldn’t let her forget, she’d have to suck it up and have the conversation. 

“You told me to forget about it, so that’s what I’m fucking doing.” He doesn’t mean for the words to sound as harsh as they had, and he regrets them as soon as they leave his mouth. It was probably best to talk about what had happened, but she had let him sit for too long, and his thoughts had gone from upset to angry. He doesn’t apologize and fights the urge to look at her when he sees her moving from the corner of his eye. 

“Well, you’re doing a terrible job.” She bites as she sits up on the blanket. He looks at her then, a scowl etching its way onto his lips, and his temper rising. 

 “I’m so sorry I won’t discuss my feelings for you on some crowded public beach, Lauren.” His smile is mean, and she has never hated the way her name sounds coming from his mouth more. He seldomly called her by her name, always opting to use pet names or nicknames instead. She can’t seem to focus on anything else but the way he had said it. He had said it with such distaste, and the stupid smirk on his lips makes her blood boil. 

“So I’m ‘Lauren’ now?” Her voice is just barely audible and even though he can physically feel his heart ripping in half, and can’t seem to stop. He keeps his eyes towards the sky, knowing that if he does look at her, he’ll be putty in her hands. That was exactly what he was trying to put an end to. The way she so effortlessly had played with his feelings, toyed with his heart, and threw it to the side when she didn’t want to play anymore. She had hurt him worse than any woman ever had, and he wanted her to feel miserable along with him. 

“That’s how friends call each other, right? By their names?” He swallows roughly, closing his eyes as his skin heats under the sun. He can’t see her, but she’s shoving her things into her bag, making way for a quick exit. And before he even realizes it, she’s leaving him there and walking back to the house without another word.

 Lauren could count the number of times he had been upset with her on her hands and never had he gone so far as to be purposefully mean. She didn’t know how to deal with him when he was like this, and she was upset that it had even gotten to this point. In her eyes, Harry had no reason to be upset with her, not to the point where he was being mean, anyway. Sure she can admit that asking him to put what they had done behind them was a stupid, drunken mistake. In an effort to protect her own heart she had damaged his and she felt awful. But that was no excuse for Harry’s childish behavior. 

As she treks up the sandy walkway to their home his words bounce against the forefront of her mind. Behind his snarky smile, he had admitted that he did have some sort of feelings for her and she could pretend no longer that she had no clue what they were. She had spent so long convincing herself that she couldn’t be with him and had missed the signs that he was falling for her. All the walls she had set up to protect herself he’d effortlessly pummelled through, and had never given her reason to believe that she couldn’t trust him with her heart. She had been so blind to the way he had changed around her. The way it was so effortless to be with him, and the way that neither of them had any other love interest over the past two years. Lauren had always contributed that to their busy work lives, but it was time for her to be honest. The only other person she ever made time for was Harry and vice versa. The only person she ever dared to consider beyond herself was him. He was the first person she shared any exciting news with and the last person she talked to before she went to sleep at night. And as much as she would like to believe that she had kept it platonic, her actions showed a completely different Lauren. She was having her cake and eating it too, without the consideration of Harry’s feelings. 

She sheds her things by the front door before retiring to her room for a bath. As she strips down she tries to rid her mind of all the times she should’ve made her intentions clear. But at the same time, her intentions were a reflection of what she really wanted from their relationship. She could admit to herself that she was in love with him, but when it came down to owning up to it, she was as lost as a teenager doing this for the first time. And in a way, it was her first time. She had never felt anything as intensely as she did when she was with Harry. She’d never suppressed her feelings this way. She was used to getting what she wanted and not caring about the consequences, but this consequence she felt everywhere. 

Tears sting at her eyes as she soaks in the bubbles. Here she was sitting in a damn Airbnb on a trip that was perfectly planned and tailored to her liking, and she didn’t even have to ask for it. Harry had shown her time and time again just how much he cared about her and she told him to forget her in a moment that should’ve brought them together. It was selfish the game she was playing. Everything was on her terms. And even though she hadn’t meant for things to turn out this way, she supposes this is the way they’d been heading for a long time.  They were both stupid. Stupid in a way that they’d tiptoe around their feelings for each other, taking whatever the other would offer and writing it off as a friendship. 

The water isn’t warm enough to melt away the sinking feeling in her stomach. She knows she’s fucked up bad this time and doesn’t know how she could fix it. She could blame her drunken actions, but that wouldn’t dismiss the way they’d handled each other today. And of course, she knew that she’d bring it up somehow today, she was figuring a way to slip it into their non-existent conversation. She’d never be able to simply forget it and she knew that. She knew that when she’d woken up and his arms weren’t around her and she could still feel the indent of his fingers against her skin. God did she love the way he touched her. She loved how quickly he’d got her to fall deeper into his embrace, succumbing to his hands and turning her brain to mush. She supposes she liked that the most. The way she felt as if all the planets had aligned perfectly when his hands were on her body. Or the fact that said fingers had touched her everywhere except where she had needed him most. She was no stranger to his teasing, was privy to the mischievous glint in his eye when he had something up his sleeve. And she should’ve known better than to think that it wouldn’t follow him into the bedroom. Lauren is almost agitated with herself for not exploring that side of him a little more.

Not to overlook the way he had known exactly what to say, exactly where to touch to have her rendered breathless. Putty in his hands ready to accept the outcome of her fate. She had taken advantage of that when the time was so fleeting. Though she knew their situation was less about fault and more about their lack of communication, it was hard to not feel some sort of guilt. She was upset because she had unintentionally made Harry upset, and she often took pride in the way she knew how to please him. She was always the one to make sure he was having just as good of a time as she was, especially when she drags him along to do something she particularly likes. She knows just how fidgety he can be, and the seemingly mundane tasks that brought her joy would offer Harry anything but. But he always stuck them out, reassuring her that any time spent with her was time well spent. She likes to think that they do that for each other, checking on the other when brought outside of their comfort zone. There was something simple about their relationship. Something that had just come so easy. Lauren supposes that is what had made it so difficult to grasp what it was. 

She can remember the fear that she had felt when her gaze had lingered on his naked chest for a second too long and she felt the butterflies erupt in her belly. At that point Harry had become like family, the initial shock of attraction had dwindled long before. She had figured that it was just lust anyhow and would subside the way those first feelings had. Except these feelings were nothing like the kind when you run into a cute guy at the grocery store. The way she had looked at him now had stemmed from her learning who Harry truly was. And once she had learned to love him because of all the attributes that made him who he is it was game over. She loved the way he rubbed at his nose when he was trying to make his words sound perfect. She liked the way he could be so calculated but so lax at the same time. She adored the way he thought of her opinion and considered her at times she’d liked to believe she would consider him as well. They had gotten along so well and she didn’t want to worry her mind with attachments and emotions. However, in that time she’d spent convincing herself that she couldn’t, she certainly had.  

In some ways, she likes to blame Harry for the way she had dismissed his advances. It wasn’t as if the writing on the wall was so plain, after all. She supposes that if he hadn’t been so damn charming to anyone that had the pleasure of being in his presence for more than fifteen minutes, she’d be able to think more clearly. On one hand sure, the man who plans a detailed vacation has it bad for you. But on the other, that same man could light up the world and empty their pockets with so much as a smile. He was kind and thoughtful, and just good. Too good. The kind of good that makes you believe that your feelings that would undoubtedly bloom have sourced from delusion. And the months that Lauren had spent arguing with herself that he would do these things for anyone who so much as asked were exhausting. In that exhaustion, she had failed to make the rather impressive connection that she hadn’t asked. Harry had considered her and did for her simply because he wanted to. But when your pessimistic mind is so bent on making you believe one thing, the latter is easy to miss. 

She doesn’t move from her spot in the alcove when she hears the front door open then close. The sound of the plastic wheels of their cooler rolling against the hardwood floors isn’t enough to turn her head, but it’s enough for her focus to be lost from her novel. She stares at the pages, the black ink swirling and becoming one haunting picture, wishing she could make herself small. He hasn’t noticed her presence yet and she can’t gauge his mood when his back is turned to her. Still shirtless, she notices the way his muscles move beneath his skin as he puts their uneaten food into the fridge. The extra sighs and huffs of frustration aren’t lost on her either, and for a second she fights herself from getting up and lending a hand. She remains stationary, though, her fingers flicking the dog-eared page. She’d read the novel more times than she could count, the one she holds now is her second copy. It’s the one Harry had surprised her with one Valentine’s Day after her’s had all but disintegrated from the seams. He claimed the holiday was a minor convenience of presenting it to her, but Lauren let the romance of it all cloud her mind in a Harry-filled fog. She took better care of this copy, always kissing her teeth when her old habits of folding the pages would surface. The note he had left in the cover, however, had melted her down to the bone and she swore she’d make this copy last forever. 

For the sweetest girl with the heaviest touch, be gentle. H. 

Admittedly for Harry, the few words he had scribbled into the paperback had far more meaning than what she’d figured. She’d touched his heart and transitioned his life. Her influence was just that. Heavy. Almost so heavy that at times he found himself wondering if he was wasting his “good years” pining after a girl who had no interest. He was savvy that way, leaving hints and tips that his heart burned for her, and almost every time feeling sour when things hadn’t changed. He wanted her to be more gentle with him. He at the time was still new to the way he felt about her, constantly thinking of ways to make it obvious. But obvious for Harry wasn’t obvious for anyone else. At least not to a girl who had convinced herself otherwise. He wasn’t so used to the uneasy feeling that swarmed his stomach when she went out on a date. Wasn’t accustomed to the way his heart would race when her fingers would dance along his shoulders. And he certainly wasn’t privy to the way he seemed to have lost all logical thinking when it came to her. Truth be told he’d give an arm and a leg just to see her smile but now that he could recognize how he felt towards her, that had gone beyond sensibility. He needed her to be gentle with him, to not shatter his heart because he knew he’d never recover. 

Lauren is pulled out of her reverie, fingers still stroking the pages of her book as she reminisces. Her teeth bite at her lip as she waits for him to notice her presence. She was dying to say something, anything, but that couldn’t be done if he wasn’t willing to speak to her. At the same time, she’d be fine with saying nothing at all. She thinks to herself that she should’ve known better. Five days with just the two of them under the same roof should’ve had her running in the opposite direction. She should’ve expected lowered inhibitions and drunken words said without thought. But instead, she’d continued to live in the fantasy world that she’d created for herself. The one where she does as she pleases and expects Harry to move with her. 

She holds her breath when he puts the last of their food away and closes the fridge door. She buries back into her novel, the words not making it past her eyes but she pretends nonetheless. She only looks up when she hears him gasp. He stands behind the island, palms pressed to the cold surface and a look of shock etched into his expression at the realization of her presence. She offers a shy smile that doesn’t quite meet her eyes and tries to decipher if he’s still upset with her. He seems calmer if his face is any indicator, and his sunglasses are now pushed atop his head. Under any other circumstance, she’d take a moment to ogle his chest and the way his biceps flex as he pushes himself away from the counter. However she still takes a quick peek, her teeth still gnawing her bottom lip raw. 

When she finally brings her gaze to meet his own she feels her nerves beckoning her to retreat to her room. Everything in her begs her to run away and forget the argument that they’d had. She hated confrontation, would rather forget it and move on than work through it. For most of her life that is exactly what she had done. Nothing was worth exerting that kind of energy into and more times than not, she wasn’t up for it. She liked to lay low, and would rather be someone’s peace than their problem. 

She feels frozen in place as they gaze at each other. Suddenly the room feels much cooler than it had before and she’s unsure if she’s ready to face the can of worms that they’d opened. She wanted to tell him that she was wrong, that she was sorry, but she’d be fine if he’d decided to move on. But that wasn’t the kind of person Harry was. He was the stick to it and fight through it kind of person. He didn’t like mulling over things for a long while and would rather tackle the things that bothered him head-on. There wasn’t a chance that he’d decided to not bring it up and Lauren was bracing for the impact. 

“Didn’t know you were there.” He mumbles, crossing his arms over his chest as he leans his lower back against the edge of the countertop. She nods stupidly, eyes shifting down to her book in her lap. Uncertainty swims through her like a sailboat caught in a storm, and she’s not ready for the waves to crash over her just yet. She’s sifting through the thoughts in her mind, trying to quickly form sentences that would convey her regretfulness. At the same time, her brain is muddled with thoughts and memories of everything that had led them to this moment. She can’t read him, his face is expressionless and his jaw is relaxed in the way that makes her palms sweat. Her throat is dry and she almost opens her mouth to speak before thinking better of it. The silence between them is deafening, she can feel his gaze from across the room as her fingers trace the title of her novel. 

She looks up when she hears him moving around the kitchen, and he’s moving towards her still without expression. A grimace finds her lip when he sits beside her and she’s drawing her knees to her chest to make room for him. Harry sits down beside her with a sigh, crossing his arms over his chest with his gaze out the back windows. He slides his body further into the cushions of the bench and another breath of air expels from his lips. Lauren eyes his profile suspiciously when he makes no efforts to speak, still silently gazing at the horizon of the ocean. It was nearing sunset and the sky had begun to paint itself a pretty shade of orange. Her favorite time of the day, where everything was touched by the sun, changing color to honor her beauty. In those minutes it was hard to think about anything besides the divinity of the sky. A moment of reflection, she’d like to call it. Sunsets always reminded her of just how big the world was but simultaneously she felt intense comfort. Everything just felt better. Everything was beautiful, everyone was kind, and nothing mattered. Something short of a small utopia.

 But the way she felt right now was anything but. She admired the way the sun cast a glow onto Harry’s tanned skin and deepened the color of his hair. If it were any other moment she’d crawl into his chest to watch the sky change with him. Now she sat facing him, the sun turning her eyes golden and warming her skin. She thinks about the time they went to watch Memorial Day fireworks. Sitting atop the largest hill Harry knew to exist in Georgia. They got there early because he knew how much Laren loved to watch the sunset, and how much he loved to watch her. She remembers how his eyes kept shifting between the sky and her profile, and the way she’d looked at him when he had that funny look on his face. He smiled at her, the kind where his lips only parted a tad, and pulled her closer as the air began to chill. Her gaze stayed on his as best she could, a silent indication that she wanted to know what was on his mind. He hums, tangling their fingers as his eyes gaze over her features. 

“Your eyes look like little pots of honey.” He smiled, tilting his head slightly. A smile pushes its way onto her lips as she turns away bashfully. He’s pulling her closer then, letting her hide her face into his shoulder. He can’t help but chuckle and place a gentle kiss to her hair. “So pretty.” He’d said. Lauren can’t forget the way he kept her hand in his the entire evening. She supposes she should’ve known then. 

His fingers wrapping around her ankles pulls her back to focus. He pulls her feet into his lap wordlessly and Lauren relaxes. Even in the silence, she feels more at ease than she had all day. The pads of his fingers rub at her skin seemingly unconsciously as he appears to be deep in thought. Her eyes are fixated on the bridge of his nose and the dip of his lip and for a moment, everything feels okay. 

“Suppose we should talk, yeah?” He murmurs, tearing his eyes away from the sky to let his cheek fall to his shoulder.  She nods, humming when he squeezes at the sole of her foot. He knows she’s a bit nervous, can tell by the way her fingers haven’t stopped circling over the cover of her novel. He fights the soft smile that threatens to overtake his features when he realizes which book it is. He can barely make out the shadow of his writing beneath the lifted cover. His hands on her skin ground him, and the changing sky makes it difficult to stay mad at her. He regrets the way he spoke to her, more sorry than he could express about being cross with her. He knows that he could’ve handled it better -- should’ve handled it better, and mostly he regrets letting her walk away. 

He opens his mouth to speak, but when his eyes meet hers it falls shut. He’s lost in the way her eyes glow in the sun, the warm brown shining, and for a moment he’s lost everything he was going to say. Once again his heart feels too big for his chest, his brain empties and everything seems insignificant. His body is enchanted by her, love overtakes him and he knows that he can’t let the opportunity pass him by. Before the silence lasts too long he’s running a hand up her leg and closing his eyes for a moment. “M’sorry about what I said earlier.” He starts, the low and steady bass of his voice cutting through the air. “I shouldn’t have spoken to you like that and I know I made you upset.” He’s fiddling with his rings when he finishes, unable to watch for her reaction. 

“Harry,” Lauren sighs, her chin dropping to her chest as she grapples with the words she needs to say. Harry’s lost in the way his name sounds like a song falling from her mouth, and he’s humming unknowingly. His eyes find her face again and he’s almost mad at her for being so damn pretty. 

“I’m sorry for telling you to forget about last night.” She breathes. Her palms sweat and her fingernails create half-moons on her skin. Her throat feels dry as she tries to maintain his gaze, willing herself to not be distracted by the soft features of his face and his apologetic expression. “It was a stupid thing to say, especially knowing it was the furthest thing from what I wanted to say.” She chuckles beside herself and Harry’s expression turns from sorry to perplexed. She’s twisting her ring around her finger with her thumb and the way her eyes stay fixed on his, he’s not sure if she realizes that she’s doing it. 

He lets a beat pass when he realizes that she’s finished, and suddenly he’s inclined to pry. “What did you want to say?” He asks unassumingly, relaxing his expression slightly. Lauren pushes out a sigh, looking towards the setting sun for an answer. The gentle graze of his fingers on her shins eases her discomfort. She doesn’t look at him when she speaks again, and he can’t help but notice the way her skin gleams under the touch of the sun. “Wanted to tell you,” She breathes in deep, sucking the air to her lungs and hopefully mustering up some courage as well. “--Wanted to tell you that I’m completely enamored by you. And that I’ve never felt more cared for in my entire life and that terrifies me.” Her eyes are back to his on her last word and he takes in the way they’re glossed over, glistening under the rays of the sun. 

For a second it feels as if he’s in a state of comatose. His chest is swelling and bursting and filling him with the warmth of a thousand fires that he thinks he might explode. The orange hue cast on her skin radiates around her and he swears she’s never been more beautiful. His smile threatens to split his face as he fully rests his cheek on his shoulder. He’s humming, pulling her legs closer into his lap and fighting the urge to wrap her up in his arms. Her words bounce around the forefront of his mind and he can’t focus on anything other than what she had said. 

“I’m scared too, but only of letting you get away.” He says gently. Her brown eyes watch him carefully as he brings his finger to flick underneath his nose, and he’s looking at her again with that same bout of sincerity he had on that Memorial Day. She’s silent, the steady drum of her heart reverberates behind her ears and she feels as if the moment would slip away in a second. “I’m sure that I love you more than I’ve loved anything or anyone. And I’m sure that I’ve never felt this way before, which scared me at first, but now my only fear is losing you.” He breathes.

 He’s unaware of the way her lip quivers slightly, and her hands ball into themselves. She feels as if her chest has been cracked wide open and every fear or worry that she’s ever had dissipates. Harry’s focus is on his hands, small remnants on a smile taint his lips. He loved her. Lauren almost wants to punch herself. What was all of this for? Why had she put up so many walls just to let him worm his way through? Why had it taken so long for her to realize that maybe, just maybe, he loved her too? She thinks she can blame it on her own insecurities, but even those Harry had made feel minuscule. She was worthy of love and worthy of happiness. That was all Harry had been trying to make her realize. She loved him. More than she knew what to do with but she was content that she got to try. 

Without a second thought, she’s removing her legs from his lap and standing to her feet. Harry looks at her with shining green eyes, irises bright from the light of the sun. She moves to straddle his lap and his hands find her uncovered thighs with ease, humming at the feeling of having her close again. The smile on his face is bright, crinkling the corners of his eyes and dimpling his cheeks in the way that Lauren loved. It was the face he made when he was so ridiculously happy and needed a release of emotion. She brings her hands to the side of his face, a grin splitting across her face. The sun was almost beyond the horizon now, an amber hue encompassing their small sliver of earth. The final rays of the day caress the skin of her back, warming her to her bones. “I love you.” She hums and Harry is lost in the glow of her eyes and the crinkle of her nose as she smiles. He lets his eyes flutter shut for a moment, relishing in the way he feels right then. When she’s nudging his nose with her own, he opens them again and hums at the feeling of her skin on his. 

“I love you.” He repeats, the skin of his lips brushing against hers and she sighs. He lets his hands trail up her sides and around her back slowly, up and down until they're under her t-shirt. He leans up to connect their lips softly, humming contentedly. He takes his time this time around, memorizing the way her lips slot over his and how her fingers squeeze behind his ears. He has nothing to prove now, no flashing club lights blurring his vision, no alcohol to numb his thoughts into oblivion. Everything was out in the open, into the universe, and blooming under the sunshine. 

As his lips close over her bottom one he’s smiling softly and dropping his forehead to hers. He kisses his way along her jaw, pressing others to the lifted apples of her cheeks. Soft words of adoration fall from his mouth as he continues, and her jaw falls to her chest when he gets to that spot behind her ear. She’s mewling into his touch, raking her fingers through the long strands of his hair. He hums at the small pleas that fall from her lips and places a gentle kiss at her temple.  “Not gonna run from this, this time?” It’s posed as a question but the look in his eye says otherwise, and he’s pulling his chin away when Lauren goes to slot their lips together. “Asked you a question, love.” The cool metal of his rings bites at the skin of her back and she feels her insides swarm with the change in the tone of his voice. She’s damn near whimpering as she moves into him again only to be met with his retraction. Her breathing is shaky as she strings her words together, maintaining his eye contact. “Not going anywhere.” She assures him, biting at his chin. Harry pulls her closer then, reconnecting their lips and biting at her top one. His hand moves from under her shirt to the side of her face, fingers squeezing behind her ear when he moans on his next breath. 

She adores the way he kisses her with such fervor. Even as she leans over his seated frame, he commands her to follow his lead with every part of his lips and turn of his head. She doesn’t mind letting him work into her mouth and moans when his tongue slides over hers and finds home. He pulls her closer into his lap, a low groan reverberating in his chest when she sits on the becomings of a hard-on. Lauren hums into his mouth once again as she rolls over him and grips his hair a bit tighter. Harry pulls her bottom lip into his mouth, biting on the flesh before pulling a kiss from her. His palm is splayed across her lower back as she grinds against him and he watches her face with parted lips when he pulls away from their kiss. When he’s met with her golden eyes he can’t help but let his jaw hang slack for a moment. He takes in the small pants of air falling from her kiss swollen lips, and he doesn’t let the warm flush of her cheeks slip his notice. He almost whimpers at the sight before him, entranced with the pure unadulterated version of it. He’s vaguely aware of her hands slipping down his shoulders to his chest, fingers creating crescent-like shapes in their wake. His focus is blinded by the way she kisses across his jaw, familiarizing herself with the skin right below his chin. She nips there for a moment, sucking a deep bruise on the stretched skin and his eyes are rolling back into his sockets. 

The selfish need to have her closer racks through him, and he reckons he’d never grow tired of having her this way. Both hands are back under her shirt, desperately tugging the fabric higher up her ribs. His eyes are a gentle plea of consent and she nods, raising her arms over her head silently. He kisses at her smooth brown skin, suckling next to a freckle he’d been eyeing all week. She can feel the short pants of his breath at her ribcage as the shirt is moved up towards her arms. His touch is light as he moves the shirt over her shoulders, green eyes boring into hers in an intense stare she can’t tear her eyes away from. Their eye contact is lost for a moment when the shirt is tugged over her head and Harry’s moaning against her skin before their eyes reconnect. She hadn’t felt it necessary to put on any kind of underwear after her bath. The task itself seemed mundane as she had dwelled on her once dreary thoughts. But now as the cool air hits her skin and her shirt is tossed to the floor, she’s sucking in a breath through her teeth and her nipples are pebbling. Harry doesn’t hesitate to envelope one of the buds between his lips, humming in satisfaction when her fingers tangle through his hair once more. She lets out a wanton moan as he flicks at her nipple with his tongue, rolling her hips against his in anticipation. 

“Fuck.” That is all he can manage to breathe out when his hips rut into her on the next forward roll of her hips, and his bottom lip rests on her skin. Lauren brings her hand to the side of his face, admiring the little furrow between his brows. “So fuckin’ pretty.” He whines and pulls her back to him by her neck. He pushes their lips together in a chaste kiss and pulls away to watch her chase him. Her brow furrows and he offers a soft smile, lips slotting against hers softly.

 “Want you so bad.” Her voice is just above a whisper but he catches it and the words turn his stomach in ways that he’d only dreamt about.  He rests his forehead at the base of her throat in an attempt to bring himself down to earth. This was something that had never left the confines of his conscious, something he reserved for his alone time. “I’m yours. Always have been, pet.” He says into her skin, placing a gentle kiss where she’s swallowing harshly. Fingers cart through his hair softly, and she places a small kiss on his head. He turns his head to the side to catch her gaze, brown eyes shining in the lasting embers of the sun. The drum of her heart pounds beneath his ear and his hands find her hips to pull her closer to him. He watches the way her eyes flutter shut when his erection slides against her soft center. The material of his swim trunks is thin enough for her to feel the slight curve of his member and she can’t help but want to feel him completely. She seldom thought about him this way, the thought of it always got her too worked up to continue. But when she had, she had imagined every detail.

“Need you.” She exasperates, her head falling forward on her neck. He captures her lips between his own then, tracing his tongue along the curve of her, and sighing. He can’t think of a time where she had ever been more vulnerable with him, and as much as he wants to satisfy her every need, he wonders how much she’s willing to share. He hums against her mouth when she tugs at the roots of his hair, a whimper falls from her mouth when he pulls away slightly. 

“Where do you need me, lovie?” His bitten lips brush against hers as he speaks, the low octave of his tone spurring her on. She turns her head, groaning against his cheek and he chuckles deeply. He moves his hand up her side, gliding over her rib cage and gently cupping the swell of her breast. Her breathing is shaky, mind muddled with nerves and desire. His fingers tweak at her nipple, pulling just enough to elicit a moan from her pouty mouth. “Harry-” She whines, her jaw hanging open as she tilts her head up towards the ceiling. “Need me to help you feel good, babe?” He hums and trails his nose against the length of her neck. She nods meekly, turning her head to capture his lips in a swift movement. Her hand finds the side of his neck when she feels him about to pull away, sucking his lip into her mouth before offering him her tongue. He grunts, kissing into her and letting her take control of his mouth for a moment.  She moves her mouth against his quickly, a feeble attempt to distract him and he’s groaning as he submits to her. His other hand moves around her back until he’s gripping her ass, sliding her back into his lap with a sigh.

 “Got to use your words, sunshine.” His grip is tight on her, stilling her movements and making her whimper desperately into his mouth. He was so hard, harder than he thinks he’s ever been in his life but he loves her this way. Needy, clinging to his shoulders and whining against his temple. “Make me feel good, H. Please.” She barely recognizes the sound of her own voice. He’s humming against her skin, tonguing his way along her throat. The hand that had played idly at her breast makes its slow descent down her stomach and in between their bodies. He plays coyly around the hem of her shorts, dipping his fingers in slightly to run across the smooth skin of her stomach. “Right in here?” He asks absentmindedly, watching her face as he pushes a single finger into the front of her shorts. They moan together, Harry in the realization that she wasn’t wearing any underwear at all. 

“Fuck, yes.” She whines as the tip of his middle fingers collects her wetness before running up to her clit. She exhales a shaking breath, her hips grinding down on his slow-moving digit. He’s moving so slowly in a way that makes her brain fuzzy, and her eyes dilate under the shifting sun. “Want me here or do you wanna go to bed?” He breathes, soaking his finger in her as he pushes into her. Her back arched into his chest, fingers scratching at his scalp and she’s unsure if she could breathe let alone tell him what she wants. He’s pulling his finger away slightly when she doesn’t answer, green eyes peering at her as her eyebrows furrow. 

“Here, love. Please, feels so good.” Her mouth hangs open as he’s pushing two fingers into her on his next go, groaning at the feeling of her squeezing him. His fingers reach places she could never reach on her own and she pants quick breaths as she rocks against his hand. His hand at her ass guides her with his rhythm, soft pleas fall from her lips when he curls his digits and scratches at the spongy spot within her. 

“Look so fuckin’ pretty riding my fingers like tha’.” He moans, voice gravely with his own arousal just from watching her. His words rang through her ears, spurring her hips to come down on his fingers with every thrust. He had managed to get her so close to the edge rather quickly, and the familiar tingles shot down her spine as she neared her finish. 

“So close, H.” She whines, dropping her forehead to focus on his eyes. What she sees instead has a deep guttural moan ripping through her chest and it takes everything in her not to screw her eyes shut. Harry had a hand down his swim trunks, squeezing and pumping at his length. When his eyes meet hers again, his mouth falls open in bliss his eyes a gentle plea for her to come for him. With his next thrust into her, he pushes his thumb against her clit, rubbing slow steady circles until she’s crying out his name in a way he decides that he loves. 

“Make a mess on my fingers, baby. Wanna feel you.” He groans before pulling her nipple between his teeth and his fingers reach for that spot that he knows will bring her over the edge. Her hands claw at his shoulders as he sucks a deep bruise into the underside of her boob. When her legs begin to shake against his thighs he pulls his hand out of his trunks and cups her jaw to pull her mouth back to his. Their kiss is all brushing lips and deep moans as her orgasm rushes through her, tensing her body and he works her through it. “So fucking good for me.” He says against the corner of her mouth as she comes. His thumb slows its movements at her clit until she’s grabbing at his wrist when it becomes too much. 

She places a soft kiss against his lips when she comes to, slotting her lips against his. His bottom lips rest between her parted mouth as she pulls kiss after kiss from him, eating every moan and whimper that falls from them. He’s pulling his fingers from her then, cupping his hand until he’s out of her shorts. She watches with wide eyes as he brings the digits to his mouth, sucking his middle finger into his mouth and humming at the taste of her. He keeps his eyes open, watching the way brown eyes focus on the way his tongue laps over his finger. When he’s had his share he taps his ring finger against her lips, sliding it through when they part with a groan that has his hips in search of her center. A slow fuck reverberates from his throat as he watches her through a lustful gaze. Her eager mouth sucks him in slowly, putting on a show for him, licking around his digit in a way she had only imagined she’d suck his cock if given the chance. 

“Need t’be inside of you.” It’s a desperate whine, really. An airy plea that falls from rose-colored lips, tickles her insides and fills her with a warmth that blankets her soul. With a nod of her head and a whisper of, please he’s standing to his feet with her in his arms. He puts her down before spinning her in his arms, grabby hands caressing her skin as he nips at her neck. He’s pushing his hips into her as he grabs at hers, pulling her back to his chest. Her head is lulling against his shoulder facing the opposite way as he sucks a deep mark where her neck and shoulder meet. 

“Just can’t get enough of you, bug.” His hands slip up her sides, cupping her breasts in both palms. “Pretty under the sun, like it was made for you.” He murmurs, voicing his thoughts into the open. She whimpers when his hands tug at her shorts, fingers dipping below the waistband.  “Take ’em off.” She breathes above a whisper, placing her hands over his and pushing the tight fabric down her legs. He turns her around in his arms when she steps out of them, hands running aimlessly over her naked body. She’s pushing his swim trunks down his legs, keeping her eyes fixed on his. He watches her with a parted mouth as she drops to her knees before him and steps of out his shorts with a sigh. 

Lauren can hardly keep her hand still as she wraps her fingers around his length, groaning at the feeling of him in her hand. His skin velvet smooth, the weight of him resting in her palm nicely. She kisses around his thighs, whimpering along with him as she spreads the precum around his tip with her thumb. A muffled shit falls from Harry’s lips as he tilts his head back on his neck, blowing a puff of air towards the ceiling. Her heart pounds behind her ears as she takes him into her mouth slowly at first, humming at the taste of him on her tongue. Her eyes flutter closed for a moment, savoring the way he felt in her mouth, how heavy he felt laying against her tongue and she can only imagine the way he would fill and stretch her. She holds the base of him as she circles around his tip, familiarizing herself with every curve and indent of his cock. Harry’s hand finds its way to her hair, bunching at the nape of her neck and she lowers her mouth on him with a satisfied sigh. 

“Yes, baby suck me off like tha’.” He moans as his chin rests on his chest, which was beginning to glisten with a sheen of sweat. She places her other palm of his butterfly tattoo, nails creating crescents in his skin as she peers at him through her lashes. Harry knows that this can’t last for very long, not with the way her small hand stokes at his cock and her mouth swallows him deeper. He knows that if he doesn’t want to cream down her throat he should pull off soon, but the way her hand meets her mouth right under his tip when she’s rearing back has him shifting his hips forward towards her pretty mouth. 

She finds a rhythm of stroking her hand and sucking him off, squeezing at the base of him when she got there. Harry can’t contain the sounds that fall effortlessly from his mouth, whimpering her name like a prayer as he watches her take him down her throat. She lets her wrist twist as she pulls upwards, releasing her mouth from him with a pop in an attempt to gain some air. He nearly loses it when she taps his swollen tip against her stuck-out tongue before she traces the vein that runs along the underside of his length. She kisses at his thighs as she wanks him, leaving small marks on his skin as she sucks. Her thumb swipes over his slit periodically as she keeps her rhythm, twisting her wrist and squeezing slightly when she reaches his tip. Harry’s curling his toes against the hardwood flooring, his hand feeling limp in her hair as he succumbs to her touch, chanting her name as she pleases him. He lets her go on for a moment longer before he’s pulling his hips away from her and meeting her eyes with a breathless pant. 

“Got kinda close there, hm?” She asks as she stands to her feet again with a smile. He nods sheepishly, the words lost on his tongue and he presses his forehead to hers and she grasps at the fleshy part of his hips. She presses her mouth to his again, pulling up on his shoulders and he groans at the taste of himself and the stale remnants of her on his tongue. He brings her back with him as he sits on the alcove bench once more and she straddles his thighs, making a point to sit directly over his hardened length. 

“Gonna be a good girl fo’ me and ride my cock?” He murmurs against her jaw, placing soft kisses to her skin. She nods as she lifts her hips, reaching a hand between them to grab his dripping length. She holds him there for a moment, letting him slip against her folds and brush at her clit, eliciting a moan from her lips. Harry groans at the feeling of her wetness coating his cock and anticipation swells in his chest because he knows his fate. He had dreamt of it more times than he could count. Thought of the way her walls would stretch open for him and squeeze against him as he sheathed himself within her. But nothing compares to the way it actually feels when she sits down on him, drinking him in inch by inch and whimpering a soft cry of his name. Her nails dig into his shoulders and he hisses, watching with wide lust-blown eyes as he disappears within her. 

“Fuck, I love you.” He cries, bringing his eyes to find hers once more. Lauren finds his lips again as his chest heaves up and down against her own. “I’m so in love with you.” She whimpers against his lips when he bottoms out, filling her to the brim. God, was he big. Lauren thinks she has never felt so full in her life, never had she taken a dick as big as his and she needs a minute to just feel him. He kisses her slowly as she adjusts to his size, his thumb caressing the soft skin of her cheek as he lazily moves his tongue with hers. The initial roll of her hips has him moaning a filthy sound into her mouth, his other hand taking purchase of her ass. Her jaw unhinges and their kiss is lost as she does it again, lifting up slowly and rolling her hips forward when she comes back down. The hand on her face joins his other hand, his forearms resting underneath her thighs and holding her ass to guide her. The support allows her to rock her hips faster, bouncing along his length and scratching at his scalp. 

“Taking me so well, baby.” He snaps his hips up to meet hers and all the air is lost from her lungs as she cries out. Harry’s lips find her neck, sucking evidence of the way she was making him feel into the clammy skin. She tugs at the roots of his hair as she moves faster against him, feeling the pit in her stomach knotting itself once more. 

“Feel so full, H. Need you to fuck me.” The words sound so sinful falling from her lips, coated with an intense need for him. She knows there was no way she’d ever let go of this now, no matter what it took to keep it. He was hitting all the spots within her that made her legs shake and knees buckle, murmuring words into her skin that were only ever meant for her to hear. 

He flips them over quickly, resting her head against the arm of the bench with his hand underneath to keep her safe. His other hand pulls her leg around his hip as he kneels over her and pushes his chest against hers. A loud cry of fuck expels from her lips as his hips come down against hers, deeper than he was in their last position and her fingers claw down his back, leaving marks in her wake that she was sure to admire later on. One hand tangles in the damp tendrils of hair at the nape of his neck while the other grabs aimlessly at the apex of his ass while he fucks into her, drawing himself out completely before pushing into her again. 

“Need a proper fucking, yeah? Need me t’show you how much you mean t’me?” He pants against her ear, sliding his arm around her waist to hold her closer. His words further intensify to knot in her stomach, sparks tingling in her spine once more. She rolls her hips up into his, finding his rhythm and crying out when his patch of hair brushes against her clit. “Shit, Harry. I’m gonna come.” Her voice raises an octave towards the end and he’s picking up the speed of his hips. 

“Can feel you squeezing me, bug. Hold on f’me.” The kisses he’s pressing on her skin are a stark contrast from the steady roll of their hips, his tongue tracing behind her ear before sucking on her ear lobe. The pulse of her walls around his cock has him twitching within her, the familiar feel of his orgasm building at the bottom of his spine. He’s not quite finished with her yet, wants to be enveloped in her warmth for as long as he can. He knows he’ll be spending the rest of their stay buried inside of her in every room of the house because he just can’t seem to think about a scenario where they aren’t doing this. And he’s mad at himself for not saying anything sooner because this was what he had been missing. He should’ve been making love to her repeatedly way before they even got to this point, but he figures that it made it better. 

“Fuck, love want you to come.” He breathes against her mouth, hovering over her parted lips as his eyes stay locked on hers, supposing he’d be damned if he closed his eyes and missed the way her face turned when she comes undone. The snapping of his hips is relentless as she chants his name, willing her eyes to stay open as she fucks him back, welcoming the warmth that rushes over her. She tugs at the roots of his hair while simultaneously pushing him closer to her, breathing his name in airy sighs as she feels her orgasm peaking. 

“I’m coming. Fuck, baby, I’m -” 

“Come on my cock, love, need you to come.” He groans along with her as her legs shake and her orgasm ripples through her, squeezing the length of him tightly until his hips begin to stutter and he knows he can’t hold out for much longer. He holds her close as he works her through it, whispering sweet words against her cheek. “Tha’s it, love. So good for me.” The furrow between his brows is deep as he feels the start of his own orgasm building and numbing his legs. He grunts against her mouth as she holds him to her, working her hips as best she can as he rocks into her, bottoming out and staying there for a moment. 

“Come on, H. Want you to come inside.” She whimpers, the fluttering of her walls enticing him to do just that. “Yeah? Want me to fill you up with my come? Gonna take it all?” He rambles behind a wanton moan, his muscles tensing with every word that fell from his lips. She’s crying out his name, begging for his load in a way that makes Harry never want to stop coming. With three more thrusts, his body tenses on top of hers, and she continues to roll her hips as ropes of come paint her insides. Her name falls from his lips as he empties his balls within her, and she watches the way his face contorts, his mouth making an o shape. She kisses his face softly as he comes to, heavy grunts leaving his mouth and his chest heaving against hers frantically. 

It silent for a moment as they catch their breath, the sun has set beyond the horizon and a purple hue covers them. All that can be heard is their labored breath and Lauren carts her fingers through his hair as he softens inside her. She doesn’t want him to move, quite honestly. She has never felt closer to him than she does now, and she fears that if he moves that feeling will go away. Her heart pounds within her chest, her legs beginning to ache and she knows that she should clean the mess between her legs. Before she can move Harry’s slipping from her fold with a moan and grabbing her discarded t-shirt from the floor before bringing it between her legs. Harry laughs at the way Lauren scrunches her face as he uses her shirt to clean her up and he knows it’s only because it’s hers. 

“Didn’t wanna move too far from you just yet.” He laughs and presses a kiss on the side of her mouth. She hums, wrapping her arms around his neck before bringing his mouth back to hers to kiss him slowly. When his tongue enters her mouth she sighs, relaxes into the cushions of the bench and all of her worry dissipates. There was nothing to worry about. Harry loved her and she loved him and time had proven that the only thing that had gotten between that was themselves. She was certain she wouldn’t let that happen again and as their kiss deepened, Harry’s thoughts mirrored hers. 

“Love you, you know tha’?” He hums when they pull apart for a moment and she smiles softly, brushing the fallen hair away from his forehead with a nod. She repeats the sentiment and sits up, stretching her legs with a wince. Harry’s pulling her into his lap, unable to keep his hands off of her for more than a second now that he knows that he can, and Lauren sighs as she rests her head against his shoulder and watches out the window.

“We should take a bath, H. Think you broke my back near the end there.” A loud laugh pulls from his chest and he’s standing up with her in his arms. “M’sorry, love. Let’s go get you all put back together again.” He kisses her forehead tenderly and she can’t fight the smile that splits across her face. “Love you.” She sighs, burying her face into his neck as she crosses her ankles against his ass. 

“Love you, sunshine.”

2.14.21

Masterlist

[dreamersscape]

In Which I Attempt to Wreak Havoc Upon Panharmonium's Heart. Or Something.

Because I am an awesome friend, clearly, and possibly making people sad/verklempt is definitely an excellent way to (belatedly 😔 but I did start before the 15th!) celebrate Kakashi's birthday, right? ;)

I will admit up front that this is nowhere near as deftly structured and compiled as your Kakashi fanmix, @panharmonium, but that is precisely why I'm not even going to try to organize all these songs into individual playlists. Yet. Plus, I have a tendency to over-explain so this way I can better expound on why certain songs remind me of certain characters. Sorry that I sorta went a little... overboard?

Everything--except a few that aren't available on spotify, I'll link to them directly--can be listened to HERE.

What I'm Looking For - Brendan Benson | Kakashi → I may be a little biased with this one because it fits SO many of my favorite characters so well, somehow, but there's just something about the upbeat/tongue-in-cheek musical cues/delivery of lines such as 'I visit hell on a daily basis, and I see the sadness in all your faces' that just feels so Kakashi to me.

Happy Ending - MIKA | Kakashi → This is presumably a breakup song, but I enjoy it so much more in a non-romantic context (and the song itself isn't really boxed in with overtly romantic framing, so I appreciate that!). Anyway, some very important instructions IMO for listening to this with Kakashi in mind: everything before the bridge is about Kakashi up through his ANBU years, but when you get to the 'little bit of love' refrain, picture Kakashi meeting Tenzo, and then becoming Team 7's sensei, opening back up to Gai, adopting all the other leaf genin, assimilating Sai and Yamato into Team 7, and it keeps building with Kakashi gaining more and more loved ones to fill the hole in his heart, and then cry tears of joy with me! Just my personal suggestion. :D

Light - Sleeping At Last | Kakashi & Team 7 (/all his kids)

with every heartbeat I have left I will defend your every breath

→ I've seen this song used for ship vids and I'm all ????? about that because this is clearly a song about the love you have for your child! But I suppose if one of my favorite pastimes is aggressively re-interpreting love songs in non-romantic ways, I can't begrudge the opposite process... too much, lol.

Heroes - MIKA | Team Minato

your blood on me/and my blood on you/but to make you bleed/the only thing I wouldn't do/.../I wish there was a way/to give you a hand to hold/'cause you don't have to die in your glory/die, to never grow old

Long Lost Friends - Transit | Kakashi & Obito

how long/do you have to say that/this is not the person I used to know/you are not the person I used to know/.../because lately, you've been looking at me like you've seen a ghost/and isn't it obvious who's been missing who the most

→ What the heck! What the heck! What the heck! What the heck! What the heck!

Against the Voices - Switchfoot | Kakashi

'cause everybody knows/the hardest war to fight/is the fight to be yourself/when the voices try to turn you into someone else

Out of the Darkness - Matthew and the Atlas | Obito? Yamato? Kakashi? Itachi & Sasuke? Naruto & Kurama? → I'm a bit undecided about this one, or if I should just not worry about choosing one character and just let myself feel all the "inner darkness is not an innate characteristic, Danzo! They're just grieving/in a lot of pain, and they can find their way out of that dark place!" feels.

Save A Place - 1969 | Kakashi & Sasuke

so I'll keep away and save a place for you/and I'll only make the same mistakes as you/.../when all the blood all over your fingers is dried up/the pain will still linger

→ I'm not uber-confident in picking out really fitting Kakashi & Sasuke songs yet, but I hope this hits a lot of the right notes for you. :)

Thrive - Switchfoot | Kakashi

I'm always close, but I'm never enough/I'm always in line, but I'm never in love/I get so down, but I won't give up/I get so down, but I won't give up

→ See, it says right there that he's never in love! Not the crux of the song, and he's not always 'in line' either, but still! :)

Disarm - The Civil Wars | Kakashi & Obito

the years burn, burn, burn

→ I don't know how I keep collecting fictional relationships that work so well for this song, but literally every single line of this song hits so hard for these two?? Will never recover from this. (Also, I usually disregard when 'my love' pops up in the last line of the chorus, as the mood dictates. :) It's pretty incidental as is IMO.)

Renaissance - Paolo Buonvino & Skin | Sakumo & Obito & Kakashi & Naruto

let me show you one last time/let me show you one last sign/you can find it/I can't say that I can change the world/but if you let me, I can make another world for us/let me suffer all for you/make this vision all brand new/we can fight them/I can't say that I can win it all, [but] come with me and I will make my words stand tall

→ Okay, this is a very odd choice given that it's actually the theme song for a different show about the Italian renaissance (if you happen to see this, Mirjam, don't hate me!), but this could be IT! The "those who break the rules are scum, but those who would abandon their friends are worse than scum" anthem that's all about building a better world based on these principles! I really hope our sharing-a-brain talent translates to listening to this song in this way because I am feeling SOME KIND of way about this!

The Lament of Eustace Scrubb - The Oh Hellos | Kakashi → I really liked the song you chose from this album for your fanmix, so now I've feeling a tiny bit too on-the-nose with my choice, but I guess this is just a Kakashi album all around. 😆

Glass Heart Hymn - Paper Route | Kakashi(+ Obito) & Sasuke(+ Itachi)

memories as heavy as a stone/ I am empty, in my end you are my beginning

This Is Home - Switchfoot | Yamato & Kakashi (+ Team 7)

and now, after all my searching/after all my questions/I'm gonna call it home

→ All finding-where-you-belong songs are actually Yamato songs. True story!

Faust, Midas, & Myself - Switchfoot | Obito

you have one life left to leave/you have one life left to lead

→ Could this be any more perfect for Obito? It even has creepy-old-man!Madara!

Pluto - Sleeping At Last | Kakashi

Always Gold - Radical Face | Kakashi & Obito/Sasuke & Itachi/Naruto & Sasuke

all my life, I've never known where you've been/there were holes in you, the kind that I could not mend/and I heard you say, right when you left that day/does everything go away?/yeah, everything goes away/but I'm going to be here till forever/so just call when you're around

→ ...but mostly Kakashi & Obito because 'there were holes in you' 😭😭😭

Lemon Boy - Cavetown | Yamato & Kakashi → You already know the delights of this song of course, but I gots to be comprehensive. :)

Everywhere I Go - Lissie/cover by Sleeping At Last | Kakashi & Team Minato

danger will follow me now everywhere I go/angels will call on me and take me to my home/well, these tired eyes just want to remain closed

→ I chose the Sleeping At Last cover for maximum angst, 'cause sometimes it be like that.

Uneven Odds - Sleeping At Last | Kakashi

maybe your light is a seed, and the darkness the dirt, in spite of the uneven odds, beauty lifts from the earth

→ ...just like an earth style: mud wall :') Okay, okay, bad jokes aside, the seed metaphor of course makes me want to associate it with Tenzo, but this is clearly a Kakashi song!

Twenty-four - Switchfoot | Kakashi & Obito

life is not what I thought it was twenty-four hours ago/and I'm not who I thought I was twenty-four hours ago/still I'm singing spirit, take me up in arms with you/you're raising the dead in me/I wanna see miracles/to see the world change/wrestled the angel for more than a name/for more than a feeling, for more than a cause/I'm singing spirit, take me up in arms with you/and you're raising the dead in me

I'm Still Here (Jim's Theme) - John Rzeznik | Kakashi

and how can they say I never change?/they're the ones that stay the same/.../they can't tell me who to be/'cause I'm not what they see/.../and their words are just whispers/and lies that I'll never believe

→ Yeah, I might've accidentally imprinted on Treasure Planet as a 14 year old, and then someone made sure this song would forever live in my heart by making a fanvid of it with my favorite character from my robin hood show, but! He's still here!

See You Again - Wiz Khalifa (feat. Charlie Puth) | Kakashi & Obito/Team Minato

how can we not talk about family when family's all that we got?/everything I went through, you were standing there by my side/and now you gon' be with me for the last ride

→ I am being very unoriginal here, and there are in fact already fanvids made for these relationships set to this song (along with many others featuring different Naruto relationships), but I don't think I'll be able to rest until I translate the movie playing in my head whenever I hear this song now into an actually watchable format. After all, they have come a long way from where they began, and I intend to make that both as touching and ironically hilarious as possible!

Goodnight, Travel Well - The Killers | Kakashi → Admittedly, I got this idea from a magnificently crafted fanvid done for my robin hood show, but I genuinely think it would be really interesting to make something similar for Kakashi centered around the time he technically died but got better? I don't know how to explain it, but I think it fits quite well.

30 Lives - Imagine Dragons | Kakashi & all the people he's loved and lost → can be listened to here.

A Pound of Flesh - Radical Face | Kakashi

then today I wake up feeling easy/and find I'm on more familiar roads/I got a darkness wrapped inside me/but now it ain't so hard to let it go/so keep a candle burning in the window/I'm almost home

Hold Back The River - James Bay | Kakashi & life getting in the way of him being with his precious people (you may be sensing a pattern here) → @the road of life: Let! Kakashi! And his People! Hold! Each! Other!!! Also, 'tried to square not being there, but think that I should have been' is absolutely about Sasuke's defection and Kakashi adding it to his long list of undeserving self-recriminations.

The Fall - Imagine Dragons | Yamato & Kakashi → 😊😊😊😊😊😊😊

Shadowman - K's Choice | could work equally well for Kakashi or Obito, I think

any time tomorrow a part of me will die/and a new one will be born/any time tomorrow/I'll get sick of asking why/sick of all the darkness I have worn/any time tomorrow/I will try to do what's right/making sense of all I can/any time tomorrow I'll pretend to see the light/I just might/.../and doesn't it make you sad?/to see so much love denied/see nothing but a shadowman inside

Paint - The Paper Kites | Kakashi & Team 7

still there's a wound and I'm moving slow/though it don't show, though it don't show/I've got a hole where nothing grows,/how little you know, how little you know

→ A song for just how much Team 7 doesn't know about their sensei.

Always Find Me Here - Transit | Kakashi → ...most likely at the memorial stone. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ (why am I like this)

Taste - Sleeping At Last | Kakashi

it’s bittersweet, it’s poetry/a careful pruning of my dead leaves/it’s holy ground, a treasure chest/I'm on my knees and only scratch the surface/like fists unraveling, like glass unshattering/we’re breaking all the rules, we’re breaking bread again/we’re swallowing light ’til we’re fixed from the inside

Help - Hurts | Yamato & Kakashi

take my hand and lead the way/out of the darkness and into the light of the day/.../'cause I know what I've been missing/and I know that I should try/but there's hope in this admission/and there's freedom in your eyes/.../I can feel the darkness coming/and I'm afraid of myself/call my name and I'll come running/'cause I just need some help

→ NO ONE TOUCHE ME.

Your Soul - RHODES | A mish-mash of Kakashi & Tenzo and Rin & Obito & Kakashi and Gai & Kakashi vibes? → So like, 'oh you know when you're alone/I'm holding on and on and on and on/to your soul' reminded me of your 'when you're all alone...the only thing you really think about is dying' 'but when there are two of you...the only thing you can think about is surviving.' and now kakashi - who just saved his life - is asking him 'did you want to die' and yamato is saying 'no' there are two of them and yamato wants to SURVIVE. tags as well as Gai's steadfastness as a friend, and 'I just wanna hold your hand' made me think of Rin's "Well then, I'm just going to have to connect the two of you." while holding their hands, and the sunlight/'soul shine'/'your light' motif is just A Lot in this song!!

7 Years - Lukas Graham | Kakashi → Alright, yeah, there are already approximately a gazillion pre-existing Naruto AMVs for this song and even one or two focusing on Kakashi, but they don't capitalize on all the angst possibilities in many of the lyrics or reach the fluff potential of 'will I think the world is cold or will I have a lot of children who can warm me [when I'm old]' and I cannot abide that!

Putting The Dog To Sleep - The Antlers | Kakashi & Sasuke → Okay, on one hand, this song is One Big Oof. But I do like the (potentially odd) way I've conceptualized it for Kakashi & Sasuke? Like, the first half is Kakashi going through all the tragedies in his life and getting lost in ANBU, but then in the second half it transitions to him wanting to prevent Sasuke from having to be as alone as Kakashi once was and they can face life together? It makes me emotional!

Trust Me - The Fray | Kakashi & Obito

I found a friend, or should I say a foe?/said there's a few things you should know/we don't want you to see/we come, and we go/here today, gone tomorrow

→ There are a few lines that call Tenzo & Kakashi to mind, but mostly it's Obito & Kakashi.

The Lightning Strike (What If This Storm Ends?) - Snow Patrol | Kakashi → I had to, right? My mindscape is a little murky/scattered about what specifically I want to think about when I listen to this, but obviously it has to do with Kakashi in one way or another.

Kettering - The Antlers | Team Minato(???) → Honestly not sure if this will make any sense, but yeah, vague team minato vibes?

Swans - Unkle Bob | Kakashi & Obito/Rin/Minato/Kushina/Sakumo → They should be by his side always!!!

Looking Too Closely - Fink | Kakashi → I honestly feel rather ambivalent about this one too, but I can't deny 'truth is like blood underneath your fingernails/and you don't wanna hurt yourself, hurt yourself/looking too closely' always destroys me because... well, you know. I love suffering. :(

Souvenirs - Switchfoot | Kakashi & Obito & Rin

wolves - Switchfoot | Kakashi

snowfall for the battlefield/roses for the father's sons/see them red on the ground:/bleeding/when the revolution came/we were more than hungry men/we were hoping for more:/bleeding/end. begin again./all of my world is collision and spin/hope is a world that has yet to begin/awaken, oh sleeper/awaken, oh sleeper/a new day begins

→ I wanted a wolf-related song too. :)

PRODIGAL SOUL - Switchfoot | Obito, Itachi, & Sasuke; just all them wayward Uchiha boys

Coming Down - Dear Euphoria | kid!Kakashi & his relationships

the shell/that I wore/it wasn't for fun/it wasn't to make you/stick around/it was for survival/it was what I've learnt/it was for the sun/.../our love has grown/our love has flown

→ Another one I'm a little unsure of whether it makes sense outside of my head or not, but I like the vibes?

Ghosts That We Knew - Mumford & Sons | Kakashi & Yamato? → Hmm, can I maybe submit this as a Kakashi-&-Yamato-just-need-to-mske-it-through-this-war-so-they-can-have-a-bright-bright-future song?

All Is Well (It's Only Blood) - Radical Face | Kakashi → ...he said as he's bleeding out or after he's thrown himself in the line of fire protecting someone he thinks is a better person than himself...

Bleeding Out - Imagine Dragons | Kakashi

when the hour is nigh/and hopelessness is sinking in/and the wolves all cry/to fill the night with hollering/when your eyes are red/and emptiness is all you know/with the darkness fed/I will be your scarecrow/you tell me to hold on/oh, you tell me to hold on/but innocence is gone/and what was right is wrong

→ In a similar vein to the previous song. But goodness gracious! Were they NOT straight up describing Kakashi here?

Amaryllis - Shinedown | Yamato & Kakashi → Just tossing this one out there, not sure if it will make sense or if it's a reach... but I like it?

lost 'cause - Switchfoot | Kakashi & Sasuke

are we a lost cause?/or are we just lost 'cause/we won't be the future we refuse to see?/and if I'm your lost cause/it'll be your lost 'cause/you won't see me as I am, the possibility/that I'm not the enemy

→ 214 feels. (And before and after that, but yeah.)

Through the Ghost - Shinedown | Kakashi & Obito

so many silent sorrows/you never hear from again/and now that you've lost tomorrow/is yesterday still a friend?/.../everything that mattered is just/a city of dust/covering both of us/did you hide yourself away?/I can't see you anymore/.../did you hide yourself away?/are you living through the ghost?/did you finally find a place/above the shadows so the world will never know?/the world will never know you like I do ... like I still do

Little Talks - Of Monsters and Men | Kakashi → Just Kakashi having little chats with his ghosts, totally the most heartwarming way to conclude this section. 😅

Sleepyhead - Passion Pit | Kakashi → Just kidding! Here's a slightly less morbid song for the Most Tired Boy Of Them All.™ (Random aside: this was my customary song to listen to on my walks to 8AM organic chemistry classes; I found it strangely soothing! On a different occasion, after a particularly long day for her, one of my roommates didn't have the energy to make it to her bed but nevertheless requested a lullaby from us. So I obliged by playing this song for her, but she didn't seem to gain the same peace of mind from it as I did. 😄 I know it's not my place to propose anything like this, but it does amuse me to imagine bookends!Kakashi in these situations, even though it's not OChem classes he has to go to.)

General/Miscellaneous:

Rise Above It - Switchfoot | Ensemble

don't care what they're telling me/we can be what we want to be/.../just because it's law doesn't mean that it's fair/.../don't believe the system's on your side/.../the curse is spoken/the system's broken; rise above it

→ I mean, how could I not think about Naruto when this song also has the lines 'hear us sing tonight like the last night on earth/we will rise like the tide/like dead men coming back to life/we are rising, rising'? It's fun to be literal sometimes!

Doorways - Radical Face | Allllll the traumatized children → Someone has to put all those tragic childhood flashbacks to good use, after all.

Ghost Towns - Radical Face | take your pick of Itachi, Sasuke, or Post-Kannabi-Bridge!Obito

there's no comin' home/with a name like mine/I still think of you/but everyone knows/yeah everyone knows/if you care, let it go

Blinding Light - Switchfoot | Hey, Hiruzen? You may have coined the phrase, "children are the king" but I don't think you truly understand it... (insert Princess Bride joke here)

hey boy, don't believe them/we're the nation that eats our youth/.../still looking for the blinding light/still looking for the reason why/still looking for the sun to shine/all my life I've been living in the darkest night/still looking for the blinding light/to take me higher and higher

Brother's Blood - Kevin Devine | EVERYONE → ...but certainly so much you could do with Itachi & Sasuke, Obito & Kakashi, Shisui & Itachi, even Hashirama & Madara! Sakumo's teammates turning their backs on him and saying 'I don't know one thing about my brother's blood'?!?! There are SO MANY ideas I have for this song! It gives me chills and makes my brain scream.

We Need Each Other - Sanctus Real | Ensemble → Already mentioned this one to you, but I have to include it here for thoroughness' sake!

Whispering - Alex Clare | the Hidden Leaf's lost/ostracized children/orphans

who will care for the falling?/who will care for the falling leaves?

So this is probably a strange concept to come up with and apply to this song, but the 'whispering, whispering, whispering' parts brought Konaha's virulent gossiping/passing judgement about others and often kids they don't even know problem to mind, too, and yeah?

The World You Want - Switchfoot | Ensemble → If I were to make a fanvid set to this song, I would definitely keep a broad focus, but I can't deny that the lines 'you start to look like what you believe, you float through time like a stream, if the waters of time are made up by you and I, I could change the world for you, you change it for me' FOR SURE has strong Obito & Kakashi/Kakashi & Tenzo vibes.

Red Eyes - Switchfoot | Ensemble, but definitely many dashes of Uchihas 😄 → I would like to thank Masashi Kishimoto for creating a world where red eyes are a Thing of Importance so I can one day make a fanvid using this song in not just the tired or teary bloodshot-red eyes way, but in a very literal sense too.

TAKE MY FIRE - Switchfoot | The Will of Fire → 'Cause I think I'm sooooo clever. 😄

Above The Clouds Of Pompeii - Bear's Den | various parent & child relationships → This obviously derives from the not-caring-about-your-female-characters problem, but it always gets me that all the single parents in the Naruto universe are almost invariably the fathers! I guess sometimes you can safely guess that the mothers are still alive/exist, but either way we hardly ever get to see them. :/ The one exception I can think of right now is Kurenai, but maybe I'm forgetting another conspicuous single mother. Anyway, I don't know if this helps or hinders more a potential Naruto fanvid for this song, but regardless, it still gives me feelings?

Who We Are - Switchfoot | Ensemble → It just makes me inordinately happy that the chorus for this song starts with 'who we are (in the fever of our youth)', you know? :D

Brother - Kodaline | all the friendships we can stuff in here and then some → Quite a well known song I'm pretty sure, but I love how many dynamics one could showcase in a potential fanvid of this. And, not gonna lie, 'oh brother, we go deeper than the ink beneath the skin of our tattoos' deserves to be used in some sort of Tenzo 'n' Kakashi or Team Ro fan creation!

Special Bonus:

Shake It Out - Florence + The Machine | Kakashi & Obito → I'm not sure whether I would have realized how well this works for Kakashi & Obito on my own, funnily enough, but then I found this fanvid of it (containing only scenes you've seen naturally!) and it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's so well done!

[sevensided]

how did you get into writing fic? i'd love to start but idk even where to begin! I loved adats so I was wondering do you have any advice?

Oh my goodness! I am so flattered you’ve asked me this. Yes, I can absolutely help. I’ll throw a bunch of rambling under the cut.

I started writing fic probably when I was... sixteen years old? A lot of my early works were oneshots. I couldn’t figure out how to do anything plot heavy for the life of me, so I just stuck to AUs or whatever I felt like. I wasn’t in any particular fandom -- I really wrote whatever I had ideas for. I remember I tried once to do a plot-heavy story and I received a review absolutely ripping it to shreds. Like, it was so cruel I cried lol. I ended up deleting the fic. Years later, I get what they were trying to say (basically, more substance, less style), but at the time it cut to the quick. Really, it was only when I was in my twenties that I started writing work that was longer and/or better.

The fandom that helped me actually write plot heavy work was a historical-based fandom. As I’m a historian, it was perfect. I got to use my research skills and knowledge to create works that, above all, aimed to feel authentic. I mainly read historical fiction, so I was familiar with how that genre worked. Miraculously, people loved my work. I think I wrote about ~200k in the period of a year? These were several short stories (20-40k) and a few oneshot filler fics. While I was part of this fandom I also helped organise a Big Bang which was a lot of hard work but was extremely rewarding. Along with that, I interacted mainly with other fic writers, so I spent a lot of time chatting to people about ideas and encouraging other writers, and it just created a lovely medley where no concept was impossible or any line of dialogue too difficult. We supported each other and it was truly like a little commune. I gradually stepped away from the fandom mainly because it was just a part of my life at a very specific time, and almost as soon as that time was over, my love for that story/ship faded, but I firmly believe I figured out a lot of how/what I do now purely through that experience.

Regarding ADATS

With ADATS, it stemmed entirely from wanting to “explain” three months in canon (at the end of season three). I was interested in the idea of season four setting up Will/Mike in canon, and I wanted to test the source material to see if I could draw from what already existed to create something authentic. I began with that simple idea: what happened from July to October in 1985? Then I thought about the major themes I wanted to hit -- family, friendship, coming of age, sexuality -- and I nested them around the bigger concept: how do I get Mike from being ostensibly straight to realising he is gay? That meant thinking of two steps: Mike discovering his attraction to guys; Mike discovering his attraction to Will. Those two concepts were separate “arcs” that needed addressing in different ways. Balance was key to weaving them together and making the reader feel like they knew what was coming (and that they felt smart for putting the pieces together) without just rushing through and going “now kiss!” That’s partly why ADATS needs a sequel, lol: because it’s not finished!

Writing process

The first thing I do when I start to get an idea is I write it down. Sounds obvious. But when you have a killer line of dialogue come to you in the shower and you think “I’ll remember that” -- reader, you will not remember it. You gotta get it down ASAP! I do that the whole way through, as generally I’ll be thinking of scenes I’m stuck on and then it’ll just come to me and I’ll quickly jot it down.

The next thing -- or what I do in the meantime -- is start structuring. I plan. I try to plan a lot. Sometimes it’s okay to write “and something happens here to get them here”, because you’ll figure it out later, but for the most part I’ve discovered that planning is like gold and you can’t get enough of it. I break my work up into generally 3-4 parts/sections, and I treat each section like a mini story. So each part needs a conflict and resolution, and it needs to flow into the next section. You need to have a feeling of things evolving and maturing. Once I’ve planned those little bits, I start thinking about the bigger plot arc and how I can drop in hints along the way. I’m probably not a subtle or skilled enough writer to yet pull off that sort of gasping twist you get in really excellent books, but I’m trying to get there. It’s hard, is what I’m trying to say, but that’s okay, because we’re all learning.

Then I generally do aesthetic stuff. Sounds stupid, probably. But nothing helps me get more into a mood than doing a Pinterest board or -- most of all -- making a Spotify mix. I start thinking about the vibe and the general atmosphere, and then I almost exclusively listen to that mix when I’m working. Sort of like muscle memory? Just to get the creative juices associated with that particular selection of songs.

Another thing I’ll do along with plot structure is character structure. This is a biggie. I mean, a story is nothing without characters. So I’ll just jot down a bunch of bullet points of characters and particular aspects that I want to highlight or remember. I hate continuity errors in fiction. Like, if someone says they work on Maple Street but later in the fic they’re working on Pine Street. I hate that. So I keep note of specific things that my main character might notice at repeated points in the story (colours, places, smells, names, sounds -- so they’re all consistent even as the narrative evolves). That’s another thing -- your characters’ motivations. Not everyone is going to be a huge player, but they all do serve a purpose. The most important character is obviously your main character. I personally think it’s important to let your M.C. be an arse at times. They’re going to be mean, they’re going to misinterpret things or fly off the handle... just let ‘em. Let them be wretched humans, and then bring them back and make them realise what they’ve done. Let them learn! I love consequences in fiction, lol.

At the same time, I’ll probably start writing. We’ve already written down some snippets of neat dialogue or descriptions, but now we should start the actual process. For me, I used to start at the beginning. Usually this was the most fleshed out anyway: I’ll have a clear idea of the beginning and the end, but nothing in the middle. These days, if I have a scene in mind that I can’t forget, I’ll just write it. It will possibly get scrapped or rewritten, but that’s okay, because at least you’ve got it down and now you can devote your brain power to something useful (like figuring out what the middle is supposed to be). I’ll have half a dozen of totally out of context scenes just littered in my Word document that I’ll add to as I go along. Eventually, though, you’re going to start writing properly, and that’s when you write your opening scene.

Opening scenes: super important. Every time I write a scene I think: what is the point of this? What do I want the reader to learn or takeaway? Sometimes you do have filler scenes, but they also serve a different purpose (perhaps to establish a group dynamic or to explore/describe a character’s surroundings). Mainly, though, every scene should push something forward in some way, whether it’s character development or a plot point. So, with an opening scene, I always think you have to establish: where you are; who you are; what they are doing; where they’ve come from (in a philosophical and practical sense); and where they’re going (ditto). That doesn’t have to happen in the first paragraph -- that would be silly. But if you sprinkle that information in over time it’ll gradually build up a picture of your character and that way the reader can get an idea of who they are. You basically need to give a snapshot of what your story is about. This also goes back to the character creator stuff: where they are at the start should be different to where they end up. How that happens is, of course, because of plot, and because you’ve structured everything to the nth degree, we’ve got a very clear progression of that character’s growth (/s easier said than done lol).

General advice

Write down everything: every idea, a bit of dialogue, a description, whatever. Write it down. Doesn’t have to be neat. Just has to be on paper. You can’t remember everything, so if you’re spending time trying to hold those things in your head, it’s taking up space for new ideas to come along.

Structure, plan, structure, plan. Sometimes it’s boring and I hate it. Other times, when I’ve not written in a few days and I open the Word doc and think wtf is this supposed to be, I am very grateful for Past Me for leaving such detailed notes. Seriously, it helps so much. Oneshots don’t really need planning, in my experience. You just get those out there. But multi-chaptered stories really do, even ones that “just” focus on a relationship.

Whatever you want to write, commit to it. Space goblins invade Hawkins? Do it. Eleven and Max find themselves in a cult akin to Midsommar (2019) and must escape? Yes. Just... whatever you want to do, remember that you’re writing it for you. Write what most interests you, what makes you when you reread it go AHHHHH I LOVE THIS!! Because that makes it a thousand times easier to actually get on with the writing when you enjoy what you’re doing.

Write a lot. Every day, if you can, or at least at designated times. Occasionally I have a very specific headspace/vibe I have to be in, but sometimes it just hits me and I’ll say to my partner “I need to write now” and just disappear, lol. The more you write the more you write. It’s so, so, so true. Cannot emphasise this enough. When I wrote that ~200k in twelve months? It was because I literally wrote every. day. Or near enough. Remember that some days you’ll write 200 words, and other days you’ll write 20k (this happened to me with ADATS -- part of the reason I finished it so quickly was because I had sprints of writing 10k+ at a time that only happened because I was in the rhythm of it). Write, write, write. Who cares if it’s crap! No one will see it until you are ready. In the meantime, just write!

Probably last of all (although I could go on and on) is connect with other writers. If you’re struggling to start, sometimes just talking about it can help a huge amount. I hope it goes without saying that you can message me whenever you want, anon or not, and I will talk to you. We can talk about ideas or I can beta stuff, whatever you want! Find like-minded people and talk to them about what you want to do. Another thing this helps is in advertising your work when you do publish. I see a lot of first time fic writers get super down because they publish their magnum opus on AO3 but no one comments. Honestly, it’s because no one knows you’ve published! You don’t have to be tooting your own horn every which way, but just actively talking about your work and even collaborating with other content creators with get you hyped and other people too (and the input and encouragement other fandom members give is just... out of this world. Anon messages helped me finish ADATS when I was really worried I wouldn’t [that’s the truth]. Seriously, support is everything). When you have people excited about your work, you get excited. It’s really as simple as that.

I could go on but this is already horrendously long. I hope even a bit of this helps! If you want to chat or have any more questions, just hit me up any time.

[jensengirl83]

Regret and Redemption Chapter eight

Dean x reader

Mechanic!AU

Word Count-2269

Warnings-Angst, language, heartbreak

Summary- Reader has left Dean and is trying to move on with her life. Can Dean prove himself and convince her to come back home?

A/N- Song in this chapter is “Don’t Know What’s You’ve Got Until It’s Gone” by Cinderella. Thank you to my beta @emoryhemsworth and all my girls and guy for the encouragement to keep going with this series. I love you all!

Amazing series cover and text dividers courtesy of @talesmaniac89​ 

Regret and Redemption Spotify Playlist

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2FX7eDSq8WEUlFyPUG1j8f?si=PZNFJlmqS42rhBuqO-Fd4g

Mary: Y/N, I know you probably don’t want to talk to me, and I understand, but Dean is not doing so well, and I hoped we could talk about what exactly happened. He has me very worried and I can’t get him to tell me much of anything. I will always think of you as my daughter, Y/N. I truly hope you will message me back and let me say what I need to tell you.

Y/N stared at the text from her mother in law, her emotions now worse than before. She’d always loved Mary and would miss her dearly, but she wasn’t sure if she should reply. Y/N was sure that Dean was having a hard time, but so was she. He was the one who’d betrayed her. He was the one who had thrown their marriage away with no regard for her feelings. The longer she looked at the text message, the angrier she became. Who gives a damn that Dean was having a hard time! Y/N had been the one who’d been slapped in the face with the worst of betrayals. Her husband had been sleeping around behind her back! She’d been nothing but loyal to him, so fuck him and his hard time!

Y/N threw her phone across the room with a scream. The raw emotions of everything had crashed down on her. She felt as if she was drowning as she fell to the kitchen floor in a heap of sobs and screams. How could he do this to her?! She’d loved Dean with every fiber of her being just to be betrayed by him. Her body wracked with sobs as she finally let the severity of their situation overtake her. She’d never felt a pain like this in her entire life, but she never loved anyone the way she had loved Dean Winchester.

Y/N had laid on her kitchen floor and cried, grieving for her loss. Her heart ached as she thought back to all the promises whispered in their tender moments together: the promises that had been shattered like porcelain being thrown to the floor, the words that ran through her head since the day she walked out on him. She missed her husband. Not the man he was now, but the man he had been: the man that would hold her close as he made love to her like she was the only woman in the world, the man who had promised her forever and meant it. She missed the way he used to love her and only her. Y/N decided then and there that those were the last tears she would ever cry for Dean.

Dean had just awoken, and his head felt as if it weighed twenty pounds and was on the verge of exploding. He’d drank himself to sleep the night before and he planned on doing it again. His marriage would be over in a few weeks’ time and he had nothing else to stay sober for. He’d ruined one of the only good things that had ever happened to him. He was being sued and could possibly lose everything he had worked for and he couldn’t care less. Without Y/N, he didn’t want any of it anyway. What was the point if he had no one to share it with?

Dean traded his morning coffee for another glass of whiskey. He threw his head back and finished the drink in one swallow, hissing at the burn as it made its way down his throat. He refilled his glass and repeated his actions from seconds ago, deciding to forgo the glass and take the whole bottle back to the couch where he planned to stay for the day. He had already called the garage and told them he didn’t know when he would be back in. There were too many memories of Y/N there, and if he had to be reminded of her, he would rather be home where he could drink himself into a stupor.

Dean stared down at the ring that was still on his left hand. He hadn’t been able to make himself take it off. Even though he had signed the divorce papers, taking his wedding band off made it all too real and he wasn’t ready for that. He was hanging on by a thread and the finality of removing his ring would drain what little strength he had to keep going.

Dean couldn’t handle the quiet any longer as he hit shuffle on his playlist. He knew he was sure to hear something that would remind him of Y/N, but he didn’t care. The memories of their time together were all he had left, and he welcomed the pain. It was the only thing that let him feel like he was still alive like he hadn’t died the day she walked out and left him alone. Dean turned up the whiskey and chugged as the tears began to make their way down his face. It became part of his daily routine to let the tears flow and wish he could go back and make different decisions. He laid his head back and closed his eyes, letting the pain and heartache consume him completely when the first notes of a song filled the room.  

I can't tell ya baby what went wrong

I can't make you feel what you felt so long ago

I'll let it show

I can't give you back what's been hurt

Heartaches come and go and all that's left are the words

I can't let go

If we take some time to think it over baby

Take some time, let me know

If you really want to go

The lyrics that filled the room had Dean singing along as his heart ached. They’d both always liked this song, but now it hit a lot differently.

Don't know what you got till it's gone

Don't know what it is I did so wrong

Now I know what I got

It's just this song

And it ain't easy to get back

Takes so long

He hadn’t realized what he had in Y/N. He took for granted that she would always be there, and now he was paying the price. Dean turned up the bottle as the song continued to play.

I can't feel the things that cause you pain

I can't clear my heart of your love it falls like rain

Ain't the same

I hear you calling far away

Tearing through my soul I just can't take another day

Who's to blame

If we take some time to think it over baby

Take some time let me know

If you really want to go

Y/N had already left and wasn’t coming back. Dean’s chest heaved with the emotion that was coursing through him. He always buried his emotions deep, but he couldn’t be strong anymore. His whole world was crumbling around him and he couldn’t keep his feelings from coming to the surface.

Do you want to see me beggin' baby

Can't you give me just one more day

Can't you see my heart's been draggin' lately

I've been lookin' for the words to say

Don't know what you got till it's gone

Don't know what it is I did so wrong

Now I know what I got

It's just this song

And it ain't easy to get back

Takes so long

The last notes of the song filled the air as Dean chugged the rest of the whiskey in the bottle. He could only wish for one more day, one more chance. He’d blown it and he had to deal with the consequences. If only everyone knew how he had planned on dealing with them, in a constant drunken stupor.

Y/N took a shower to calm down after her mental breakdown. The text from Mary was still in the back of her mind. She knew she needed to let him go and not look back, but she couldn’t help but worry. Y/N decided to give her mother-in-law a call to put this to rest once and for all. Y/N dialed Mary’s number and braced herself for the conversation she was about to have.

“Hello,” Mary answered.

“Hi, Mary. It’s Y/N,” she said with hesitation. She wasn’t looking forward to this conversation.

“Y/N! Oh honey, how are you?” Mary asked with concern.

“I’ve been better,” she answered honestly.

“I know sweetie. I’m so sorry, Y/N! I raised him better than that and I’m ashamed of how he betrayed you,” Mary’s voice getting softer as she finished speaking.

“It’s not your fault. He’s a grown man. He knew what he was doing,” Y/N wasn’t sugarcoating anything with his mother.

“He’s bad off, Y/N. I walked up on him screaming at his father’s grave and blaming him for everything last night,” Mary said in almost a whisper.

“What?!” Y/N asked in shock. Dean had only been to John’s grave a handful of times since he passed.

“I’ve never seen him that upset, Y/N, granted he was drunk, but he wasn’t that upset when John died,” Mary said, the sadness and worry evident in her voice.

“I don’t know what you think I can do, Mary. I’m not trying to be rude, but what am I supposed to do?” she asked exasperated.

“Go talk to him, Y/N. I know I have no right to ask you to do this, but talk to him and convince him to let you go without drinking himself to death! He won’t listen to any of us,” Mary pleaded with her.

“Fine! He’s not going to listen to me either, but I’ll try,” Y/N said with a sigh.

“Thank you, sweetie! I appreciate it! Bye, Y/N,” Mary said, hanging up the phone.

Y/N hung her head and groaned. How did she let herself get roped into doing this? She still had two hours before she had to meet Steven for lunch, so she decided to just go get it over with. She hoped that Mary had been exaggerating and that Dean wasn’t that bad, but she knew him too well. She grabbed her wallet and keys and headed to the door to go try to talk some sense into her soon-to-be ex-husband.

What Y/N saw when she walked through the front door made her heart ache. Dean was passed out, whiskey bottle still in hand. He looked like he hadn’t shaved or showered in days; he was a pitiful sight to take in. She walked over and took the bottle from his hand, setting it down on the coffee table as she took a seat next to it.

“Dean, wake up!” Y/N exclaimed as she tried to shake him awake.

The smell of the whiskey emanating from him made her stomach churn. She had seen him drink his feelings away before, but this was an all-time low. Y/N shook him again as he started to stir.

“We need to talk, Dean,” she said, trying to keep her voice void of all emotion.

“Y/N?!” Dean questioned as his eyes went wide at the sight of his wife before him. It had to be a dream.

“What the hell, Dean? What are you trying to accomplish here? Have you seen yourself? You look awful!” Y/N said as she shook her head.

“Hey, baby! I miss you,” Dean said as he reached out to run his finger down her cheek.

“Stop it, Dean! I’m here to tell you to get your shit together. Do you know that your mother practically begged me to come and knock some sense into you? She’s worried you are going to drink yourself into the grave and now I can see why she thinks that,” Y/N said as her voice began to crack. He’d hurt her, and their marriage was over, but seeing him like this was killing her.

“Come on sweetheart….I’m fine. Nothing to worry about,” Dean said slurring his words.

“You don’t look fine to me. You look like shit and you need to get a grip on yourself. This is ridiculous, Dean!” Y/N resorted to yelling, hoping it would make him listen because her heart was breaking seeing him so broken.

“Ridiculous?! I’m being ridiculous? I’m not the one who walked away and left me here for dead!” Dean yelled as he tried to sit up but to no avail.

“I’m not doing this with you, Dean. Get your shit together and move on! I won’t be back to have this conversation again!” Y/N growled as she stood to leave.

“I’m sorry baby! Don’t leave me, please! I love you Y/N, please come home,” Dean begged as he grabbed for her hand but was too drunk to catch her.

“I’m sorry Dean. We’re over, so please get a hold of yourself and move on. If you won’t do it for your family then do it for me, please?” Y/N said with her back to the drunken man.

Y/N didn’t give him a chance to respond before she walked out the door, slamming it shut behind her. She couldn’t let him know how seeing him like that had affected her. She barely made it to her car when the tears began to stain her cheeks. She promised herself that morning that she wouldn’t cry over him again, but seeing the shell of the man he once was had been too much to take.

@flamencodiva @sorenmarie87 @foxyjwls007​ @waywardbeanie @emoryhemsworth @voltage-my2dlove @hardcoresupernatural @msmarvelouswinchester @lyarr24  @deanmonandnegansbitch  @akshi8278 @midsummereve1993 @sutton2001  @emory91  @halesandy  @miss-nerd95  @ellewritesfix05  @bxbyizzy  @winchest09  @adoptdontshoppets  @defenderrosetyler  @hobby27  @whatareyousearchingfordean  @talesmaniac89  @deanwanddamons  @atc74  @superfanficnatural  @smol-and-grumpy  @supernatural-love14  @vicmc624  @squirrelnotsam  @tatted-trina6  @xhannahbananax03  @coffeebooksandfandom  @nihilismworld  @winchester-wifey  @mrsfox79  @malfoysqueen14  @moron225  @deans-baby-momma  @lovelyrocker  @fablesrose  @queenofchaos7  @maralisa124  @deangirl93  @aimee-ginge  @anathewierdo  @donnaintx  @screechingartisancashbailiff 

[penroseparticle]

Would it be appropriate for me to be That Dumb Bitch™ and ask for all of the music asks? Because I know I'm gonna ask them all on Anon anyway and I really love your opinions,thoughts, and suggestions on music

Thank you so much💜 ily(platonically)

And I hope you're drinking water

ILY too anon

We both know I’m drinking Diet Cokes rather than water. But I appreciate it! And of course you can be That Dumb Bitch. I approve of all Dumb Bitches as I am one too. all 30 questions coming right up!

your favorite album opener I know it’s pretty basic to answer Arctic Monkeys is a good band, but I am pretty basic so here we are. AM is a near perfect album, which is not news to anyone, but few people know that Do I Wanna Know? is the first track on the album. Masterful. 

a song starting w/ the same first letter of your first name Cheat, by Emily Burns. It’s just a quiet, competent, earworm. And it’s a pretty nice message too- if it were me I wouldn’t have cheated, end of. I like it.

a song outside of your usual genre I’m not super into Metal. That’s not to say that I don’t enjoy it, my brother pretty much exclusively listens to hard rock and metal and such, so I have some stuff I like. But it’s just one of those genres someone has to introduce me to songs in. That said, I really like Cold Water by Protest The Hero. Good stuff!

a song that reminds you of your favorite season Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy is SUCH a Fall song, I swear.

a song from a lifelong favorite artist I think my lifelong favorite artist is Ms. Lauryn Hill, if we’re going by the artists I’ve loved longest- that’s obviously influenced by my mother, who LOVES Jill Scott, Lauryn Hill, etc. I’m going with a Fugees song, not an independent, but it’s still fantastic- the classic “Killing Me Softly With His Song”.

your current “on repeat” song Montero by Lil Nas X is still on repeat and I’m not ashamed.

a song your friend introduced you to that you ended up loving Shout out Anna for introducing me ti Leikeli47! Girl Blunt was the song and now I just love her in general but Girl Blunt is good. I think my fave is Wash and Set though, so have a freebie on me.

a song that speaks the words you couldn’t say I have a hard time asking for things for myself so Rose’s Turn has always been a song I think but don’t say out loud. Starting now it’s gonna be my turn? Too unrealistic tbh.

a song that captures your aesthetic (can be ideal!) Bambi by Hippo Campus

a song about the place where you live I have played Welcome to DC so many fucking times (By Mambo Sauce because this city is a fucking joke) and I am thoroughly sick of it. When youth hockey teams use a song as their warmup song it gets old REAL fast.

a song from an international artist I LOOOOVE Maluma, sorry not sorry, and El Perdedor is one of my favorite songs of all time tbh.

a song you can scream all the words to Love In The Morning by Chris Jobe. I just really enjoy the song idk why. Also it’s a very simple song and it’s easy to sing.

a reboot of a song/songs you already loved (remix, mashup, acoustic, etc.) I love Passionfruit, but Drake is a... problematic artist to enjoy nowadays. Yaeji did a very slow, lilting, quiet cover of it that I quite like. So now for my Passionfruit fix I support a small artist and not, you know, Drake

a song with the name of a place in the title Oh god. Vienna is literally the name of like 4 songs that I love (The Fray, Billy Joel, Lambert, and Ultravox, so I’ve gotta go with that one tbh. Lambert is instrumental and Ultravox is some chill ass 80′s stuff, and everyone knows the Billy Joel one.

a song that reminds you of traveling Feel It Still by Portugal the Man reminds me of a trip I took to NYC because someone I went with loved the band.

your favorite childhood song My favorite childhood song is What Kind of Pokemon Are You? From the 2.B.A. Master album for pokemon. It is my fave because that cd is the first piece of music I ever bought for myself.

a song that reminds you of a good time Midnight by Caravan Palace. I have seen Caravan Palace three times live, more than anyone but Betty Who, and I ALWAYS have a fantastic time at their concerts. Just. So good.

a song that reminds you of a bad time Season 2 Episode 3 by Glass Animals is how I describe depression to people- it’s not just that I’m like, blank or sad or bland. It’s that I go through the motions and it doesn’t feel like anything. I do things I love and it feels like nothing. You kind of just can’t do anything to get out of it, your stuff just stops working.

a song from an artist whose old music you enjoy more than their new music So it turns out that my favorite album by FAR for OkGo is Of The Blue Color Of The Sky, a fairly old album of theirs. I like most of thier stuff and obviously all of their videos are great, but my favorite song of theirs is from this album- Needing/Getting.

a song that empowers you I like other Lady Gaga songs more but Donatella makes me feel like I can punch through Concrete idk why

a song from a local artist DID YOU KNOW GINUWINE IS FROM DC. ANYWAYS STREAM PONY

a song you related to in the past and present, but for different reasons Let’s Dance To Joy Division by The Wombats is a song I’ve always related to. Back in the day it was just loud and fun and very good, and now I really think the message of “Everything sucks but we’re gonna celebrate what we can” is something I try to absorb as much as possible now.

your favorite cheesy pop song Classic by MKTO is an objectively bad song that I constantly have in my Spotify Wrapped. I legit can’t explain it. Is it good? no. Is it original? Also no. Is it interesting? No! I don’t get it but I’m under the spell

a song from a soundtrack (musical, movie, video game, etc.) A PROMISE FROM FIRE EMBLEM: THREE HOUSES WAS MY NUMBER THREE SONG ON MY SPOTIFY WRAPPED LAST YEAR SORRY MOM SORRY GOD

the song currently stuck in your head OR the song you are listening to right now My music is on shuffle but it just hit Hot Girl Bummer by Blackbear

a song that taught you a lesson Which to Bury, Us Or The Hatchet by Reliant K is one of my favorite songs and really is an object lesson in letting things go. What’s more important? The person or the problem? And sometimes it’s the person, so you bury the hatchet, and sometimes it’s the problem, and you bury us (the relationship). It’s a good song imo.

an instrumental song Teleblister by Clever Girl

a song you always skipped, but ended up loving once you listened to it My favorite song from The Blessed Unrest by Sara Bareilles is Cassiopeia and I straight up skipped it every time I listened for the first like, 6 months I listened to the album.

your favorite album closer good kid, m.A.A.d city is a perfect album as well, and Compton is the last song on the album. Perfection.

your all-time favorite song Such a hard question, and not always easy to answer to be honest. It fluctuates. But for me I think my all time favorite song is currently  

[malfoysmaybank]

Who Woulda Thought? - JJ Maybank

gif by @toesure

requested by @jailcalledlife

wc; idk a lot

request: Hi! I have an idea for a one shot or story, where a kook reader or character invites JJ to a family weekend or something because they don’t like her kook boyfriend and she thinks if they see JJ they’ll realize how her boyfriend is better for their lifestyle. But they all end up loving JJ and the reader ends up falling for him. And maybe the kook boyfriend could show up and show his true colors of him being a dick. Or her family members can say things like ‘oh we’ve never seen _ so happy’

⚠️ Warnings ⚠️ : angst, fluff, swearing, mentions of !depressive episodes!, !self harm!, !cheating!, and nothing else more than what’s mentioned in the show.

A/N: I AM SO SORRY THIS TOOK SO SO LONG. anyways, i love your requests! i’m super excited to write this omggg. if you want me to write for anybody else, let me know! i feel like i’m not giving you guys character diversity and it’s making me self conciousss. also, i’m not in any way romanticizing depression. if you’re suffering with mental health issues, i will make a separate post for hotlines and please look at therapists for your area! finally, i listened to this spotify playlist while writing, check it out!

———————————————————————

“I just don’t understand why you don’t like him!” You were furious at your parents. Your boyfriend of 3 months, Alex, had just met your parents to see if he could go on a family trip with you and let’s just say it didn’t go over well. “He seems suspicious honey! He seems like he’s hiding something and I just don’t trust him! He can’t come!” Your mom said, defensively. “You don’t know him like I do! UGH! This isn’t fair!” You stormed of to your room and slammed the door.

You pressed your back to the wall and sunk down to the floor. As you were fuming and contemplating, a sudden strike of genius hit you. If they don’t like your boyfriend now, just find someone worse to bring.

You quickly pulled out a notebook from your drawer and started writing the necessities of this terrible boyfriend.

A troublemaker. Preferably a criminal record.

A player. He’s gotta have a body count higher than 10, it will raise suspicions.

A heart breaker. Self-explanatory.

Drinks and smokes. Totally illegal.

Then, it hit you. There was one boy who perfectly fit your description: JJ Maybank. But how would you convince him?

Once you were positive your parents were asleep, you snuck off to the safe and pulled $2500 cash from it. Considering you were the wealthiest family on the island, it wasn’t noticeable. You threw on a coat and some boots and trudged out the door to where you knew he’d be.

You knocked on the door to the Chateau, hoping they weren’t asleep. A tall brunette that you’d come to know as John B. opened the door. “Can I help you?” He asked. “Is JJ busy?” You asked, half expecting him to be in the middle of a hook up. “Nah, he’s right in here. Come on in.” John B. opened the door slightly more so you could come in.

“Yo JJ! Someone’s here for you!” John B. yelled. “Tell them I’m not home!” You heard from a couple of rooms away. “A little too late for that, buddy!” You yelled and he instantly peeked around the corner. And there you stood. His crush since the 4th grade when you beat up Rafe Cameron because he was making fun of him. Not that you remembered. He came up to you and John B. left to give you a little privacy.

“What’s up, Y/N?” He asked nonchalantly like his heart wasn’t racing. You guys were pretty close friends but you barely got to see each other because of the difference in social and financial class. You couldn’t deny that you had a crush on him, but you knew it would never go anywhere. How could it? He was JJ Maybank, the lady killer, and you were just... Y/N.

“So, basically my parents hate my boyfriend and I need to use you as a fake so they’ll realize he’s not that bad compared to you.” You said. “Thanks for the compliment.” He said sarcastically. “Anyways, what’s in it for me?” You held up the wad of cash. His eyes went wide. “$2500 and a free trip. You in?” You smiled. “Hell yeah, let’s do this shit.” He said and laughed, still shocked at the amount of money you had. You held the money out to him and he grabbed it. “Thank you so much, you don’t know how much I needed this right now.” JJ said. You felt oddly happy for the blonde boy in front of you. “Alright, Meet me at 2 pm sharp with your stuff packed for 2 days.” You said. “Roger that!” He said with a salute and a smirk. You tried to hide the blush that rose to your cheeks. Maybe a week with JJ Maybank wouldn’t be too bad...

***

JJ got to your home at 2 pm with his bag packed, as promised. You introduced JJ to your parents and your father asked to have a chat with him. Of course, he knew JJ. He loved JJ, he was reliable with work and always kind towards their family. He just wanted to make sure he could take care of his daughter. “Take a seat.” JJ sat down on the couch next to your dad. “So first off, do you love my daughter?” he asked. “So much, sir. She’s perfect.” JJ said and surprisingly, he really meant it. “She is, isn’t she? What are your intentions with my daughter?” He continued. “I want her to feel loved and supported. I’ll do anything to make her happy.” Again, 100% true. “And if you break her heart...” Your dad started but JJ cut him off. “Sir, if I break her heart, you have my full permission to use a chainsaw to cut my limbs off.” Your father laughed and shook his hand. “I like you. I think you’ll be good for Y/N.” “I sure hope so.”

“He’s coming with us!” Your dad said, patting JJ’s back and heading to the car. JJ pulled you aside. “So how will we make this convincing? I promise I won’t make you do anything you aren’t comfortable doing.” JJ said, obviously flustered. “Relax, Maybank. I’ll lead so you won’t feel nervous about trying something new. Got it?” You could tell he was very nervous about this trip and you wanted this to be as comfortable for him as possible. “Gotcha.” You walked back to the car and got in.

It was an 8 hour drive from the Outer Banks to New York. Towards the end of the car ride, you fell asleep, using JJ’s lap as a pillow. He played with your hair as he admired you. “She’s so gorgeous.” He said under his breath. “Awe, aren’t you two the sweetest little things!” Your mom said and JJ blushed. “Yeah, you could say that.” He just continued looking at you with all the love in the world, even if it wasn’t returned. He just wanted to make you feel loved.

When you got to New York, it was around 10 pm. You were still tired from pulling an all-nighter the night before, so JJ gave you a piggyback ride to the hotel. He had never been to the city before so it was all very new to him. The billboards in Time Square, the street food everywhere, the gigantic buildings, it was astonishing to him. But as he felt your warm arms around his neck and you felt his calloused hands on your thighs, the world revolved around the two of you. Time felt slower. You forgot about Alex for the longest time, that was until he called you in the middle of the night and you went out into the hallway to answer.

“Really?! That Pogue over me? Are you SERIOUS right now, Y/N?!” Alex was screaming at you through the phone and you were sure that you had woken a couple rooms. “No! It’s not like that I-” He cut you off. “Don’t even deny it, you slut. We’re done. Now, I don’t have to feel guilty about sleeping with your best friend. Have fun with your new boyfriend.” He ended the call, leaving you silently sobbing in the middle of the hallway.

You suddenly heard a voice. “What’s all that noise abou- hey, hey, hey! What’s wrong, Y/N?” His voice was laced with concern and you stood up and hugged him tightly. He hugged back. “Hey, what’s up? What happened?” He said softly. You took a deep breath in. “A-Alex cheated o-on me and then broke up with m-me.” You said between sobs and he hugged you closer. “I’ll kill him, I swear to god.” He said between gritted teeth. Your parents luckily hadn’t woken up, they were in a different room.

“No, no. Can we just go to bed?” You looked up at him and his eyes softened seeing you that vulnerable. “Yeah, yeah. Come on.” He said delicately, afraid if he said it any louder, you’d break.

You guys went into the room. “Here, you can have the bed and I’ll sleep on the chair over here.” He said. “No, just sleep in the bed.” You said. “No, I’m not making you sleep on the chair.” “I was suggesting more like we just share the bed and nobody sleeps on the chair. Unless that makes you uncomfortable..” You rushed in at the end. “As long as you’re okay with it.” He said. He got in right next to you. You hesitantly inched closer. He instinctively pulled an arm around your waist and pulled you close to him so your head laid on his chest. His raspy voice spoke up. “Goodnight, Y/N.” he said quietly. “Goodnight, JJ.”

***

The next morning, you woke up next to JJ. Talk about a blessing in disguise. You looked up at him, but he was already looking down at you. His blond hair fell messily over his sun-kissed skin. He looked absolutely gorgeous. “Morning, sunshine.” He said softly. You got up and opened the window, making JJ throw his arm over his eyes. “Too bright! Too bright!” He exclaimed and you laughed at his foolishness. You looked out the window again. “Woah.” You said, admiring the view. JJ stood behind you and wrapped his arms around your middle. “I’ll say,”JJ added. But he wasn’t looking outside, he was looking at you.

“Awe, you two are so cute.” Your parents stood in the door way, and your mom held a hand to her heart, smiling. “Hi, mom! How’d you sleep?” You and JJ turned and JJ put his head where your neck met your collarbone. You nuzzled into his touch. “I slept well, and I can see you guys woke up on the right side of the bed!” Your mom giggled “Well, you definitely aren’t wrong there.” JJ said and you blushed. “Well be ready in 2 hours, we’ve got plans today!” Your mom walked out and you got ready for a shower.

JJ got ready and flopped on the bed, staring at the ceiling. He couldn’t stop thinking about this morning. Those tiny little intimate moments meant a lot to him. He made the decision that he’d make a move soon. Maybe even today.

Throwing on a cropped tee, some high-waisted jean shorts, and some vans, you walked out to see JJ ready to go, lying on the bed. “Something on your mind?” you asked, sitting at the end of the bed, next to his stretched out form. “A little, but it’s chill.” JJ said, sitting up so he was next to you, shoulders touching. “Well, what’s up? You helped me last night, my turn to help you out.” You said. “I don’t know, I just kinda have a huge crush on this one girl.” JJ said, completely in love.

You felt your heart sink into your stomach. You thought that you two had something. Something that made you blush when his fingers traced your skin, something that made you crave his attention. Guess he didn’t feel the same. Nonetheless he was still your friend, so you would do anything to help him out. “Wanna talk about her?” You asked as casually as you could, trying not to show your hurt. “She’s gorgeous. So sweet and caring, always willing to help others out. Not only is she beautiful, she’s also hot as hell. I mean, damn, she is smokin’.” JJ said. “What else?” You continued. “You just don’t get it, do you?” JJ stood up, chuckling. You stood up next to him, confused.

“I don’t know what you mean-” You were cut off by JJ’s lips on yours. You sank into the kiss, throwing your arms around his neck and his falling to your waist and pulling you impossibly closer. The kiss was soft and gentle, yet full of energy and love you held for each other. You only pulled away once you needed air. You nuzzled your face into his neck and he put his chin on the top of your head. Once you caught your breath, you realized what just happened.

He shivered as your breath tickled his neck. “You’re adorable, you know that?” He said and you giggled. “I guess you don’t have to pretend in front of your parents anymore, huh?” You looked up at him. “I guess that could go for both of us, huh?” You said. “Sweetheart, I was never pretending.” He kissed you, this time better than the first. He pulled away and said “We have some time to spare before we leave, huh? Wanna watch a movie or something?” You giggled and kissed him for the third time. God, you could get used to this.

“You guys ready?” Your mom opened the door to find you asleep and JJ holding you, still awake. “She is, I just have to wake her up.” JJ said, still looking at you. “Okay, we have time so don’t feel the need to rush.” your mom said. She loved how JJ treated you. She knew he really loved you. Her mind wandered to the night she knew she wanted you two to get together.

You had fallen into a depressive episode. You were asleep in your room and your mom was sitting at the kitchen table. She was exhausted. She wanted to help you, but nothing worked. She missed you, wanted her bubbly daughter back. So she called the only person she hoped could help you. The phone rang twice before he picked up. “Good evening Mrs. Y/L/N, is everything okay?” JJ’s voice carried through the phone. “Hey JJ, I have a favor to ask. I know you and Y/N aren’t really friends, but she really needs your help right now. I don’t know how tell you, how early can you get here?” Your mom pleaded through the phone. “I’ll be there in 5.”

JJ sped to your house. He’d never admit it, but he cared about you a lot and had definitely developed a crush on you after working for your dad for so long. Of course, your mother knew this. After an encounter with his father, he’d always come to your mother. He didn’t know why he trusted her so much, but he felt like his secrets were safe with her. And they were, not even you or your father heard of his visits.

He knocked on the door and your mom answered merely seconds later. “Is she okay? She’s not hurt, is she?” JJ asked frantically. “Well, not physically I hope. She’s having an episode, it’s really bad JJ.” Your mother said, holding back tears. He wrapped her in a comforting hug. After a moment, she pulled away and pointed towards your room.

JJ quietly walked towards your room and gently knocked on the door. No answer. He quietly walked in. You weren’t there. He heard something clink lightly on the floor. “Y/N, are you in there? It’s JJ.” He heard a muffled sob and immediately burst in, not expecting what he was about to see. You were on the floor, blood trickling down your arm and a razor in your hand.

You hadn’t noticed him moving in front of you, too busy focusing on the slits in your arm. He firmly but carefully held your arm.“I’m sorry, I’m not gonna let you do that.” he grabbed the razor and threw it in the trash. You tried to reach for it, but JJ cupped your cheeks with his calloused hands and looked deeply into your eyes. “I’m so sorry you think of yourself this way. I want to help, what can I do?” He asked, wiping your tears as he went. You stayed quiet. “How many hours has it been since you’ve eaten?” He asked softly. You looked so delicate, he was afraid you’d break if he spoke any louder.

He gestured for you to hold a number on your hands. You raised all 10 fingers and then 2, signaling 12 hours. “Okay, I’m gonna get you something to eat. Can you walk or do you want me to carry you down? I’m not comfortable leaving you here alone.” You held up your arms and he situated you so you were on his back, piggyback style. He was gentle and caring with you, making sure you were comfortable. He had sent your mother to bed, knowing she was tired and assured her he’d take care of you. He set you down on a stool and started looking at food options. “Okay. So our options right now are cereal, pizza, grilled cheese, or soup. What’re you feeling?” He looked to you. “Soup, please.” You looked up at JJ with weak eyes and it took everything in him to not break and pull you into his arms and never let go. No, he had to be strong for you.

He told you to go sit down in the living room and he’d be there in a minute. He pulled the can of chicken soup off the shelf and poured it in the pot. He then got a blanket, some movies, and some pretzels and shoved those in a backpack so he didn’t have to make extra trips. He grabbed the bowls of soup and walked out to the living room. He set the bowls of soup on the coffee table for a minute and opened his backpack. “Okay, so I know I can’t cure your depression. I know this won’t just be fixed with a hug and some food. But I wanna be able to help you. So every night this week, I’m gonna come over, check on you, make some food, and we can watch a movie. I’m gonna keep doing that until I know you’re okay. Sound good?” You nodded and he pulled out the blanket, pretzels, and movie options.

New York was a BIG city. You knew this, of course. But JJ had never traveled outside of the outer banks. So when you stepped out of that hotel, he saw just how big the city was. Your parents walked ahead of you and you and JJ stayed behind, holding hands and talking.

“So this morning, we’re hanging out in Times Square, which is basically the heart of New York city. On our way there, a lot of people will bump in to you. Don’t get heated, they don’t mean it, it’s just very crowded here.” He nodded and you squeezed his hand. “Second: don’t give any money to people on the side of the road, not all of them need it. I know it seems cruel, and it feels that way too. It’s just that there’s so many scammers out there that it’d be better to donate to a charity that funds housing for those people. Okay?” “Yeah, that makes more sense once you add in the charity part.” He said, following along.

“Three: you aren’t paying for anything here because 1. prices are really high in New York City and 2. I won’t let you and I don’t think my parents will either so that’s final. And don’t feel bad, I’m doing it because I care about you. And four, walk fast. There’s no time for slow pokes in New York and within 2 minutes, you’ll be a mile behind us. I have my phone, and the streets are numbered so if you do get lost, text me what streets you’re on, the corner signs should tell you. Like right now...” You pointed to the corner signs. “Let’s say you’re at 24th East and 5th South. I’ll then text you where we are and we won’t move. So let’s say we’re at 35th East and 6th South. so you’d go 11 streets east, use the compass on your phone, and one south. I’ll stay on the phone with you the whole time. But I doubt that will happen.” You held up your linked hands. “If we stay like this.” He smiles. “Good thing I like holding your hand.” He kisses the back of your hand and you kept walking.

“Tonight, we’re going to see a Broadway show. This is a musical theatre show called Hamilton.” He nodded. “I’ve seen that on Disney Plus! Kie pays for it. It’s my favorite!” He said. “I love musical theatre, though I haven’t seen it in a while. Since there’s no theatre here, I sometimes pay off the people who do outdoor movie nights to play a musical movie.” JJ says. You squeeze his hand and say “Well, you’ll enjoy this so much better.” He beamed.

You were tired from the long day, but you have to admit, it was probably the best night of your life. JJ collapsed on the bed, still beaming. You opened your bag from the disney store to toss him his blue stitch plushie (his favorite disney character) and you grabbed your matching pink one. You then grabbed your playbills, both signed by the cast, and set them on the side table next to your bed. “That was the most fun I think I’ve ever had.” He said and you giggled. “Too bad we only stayed here for a weekend.” You said. “Hey quick question.” “I’m listening” he said. “Okay so I know this sounds dumb but, what are we? Like I think I know but I just want to clarify with you.” He sat up. “Well, I never really asked but here goes. Do you want to be with me?” He asked. “Yes, yes please!” You said excitedly. He pulled you in for a kiss and your legs wrapped around his waist. Nothing sexual about it, just more comfortable. You were in love with JJ Maybank. And you couldn’t be more ecstatic!

[idontwanttospoiltheparty]

Ive never really understood the hype surrounding Taylor Swift - I mean, I like some of her songs, but im not big on modern pop music so generally she just doesn’t really click for me. But I find it interesting that theres quite a few of Beatles/Swift blogs - like, they should have very little in common given that they’re from completely different eras and all, but somehow people seem to find a lot of semblance between the two. << and thats not me shitting on any of these blogs btw! Hope I don’t come off as rude or condescending there <3

Anyway, I was just wondering what got you into Taylor Swift? (I think ive read your post on how you got into the Beatles)

Hi, anon! Don't worry, I don't think you're rude or condescending! I agree they don't have too much in common and I don't really like their music for the same reasons.* I do have a playlist of Paul songs that have similar vibes to Taylor songs but it's mostly lyric-based. (Also the Beatles For Sale songs actually have quite the Taylor-tinge because Paul and John were not immune to Country Music)

I saw @stewy say once that a possible reason there are a good handful of us Swiftie-Beatle People on here is the appeal of a vast discography, which I agree with. If you have an artist/group with 200ish songs, it's just really fun to really dive into their work and explore all the facets. I also think: we're talking about the most popular band of all time and one of the highest-selling artists of the 21st century. They have a lot of fans so there's bound to be overlap, regardless of musical differences.

Moving on to your question: Getting into Taylor was an extremely personal experience for me and so my explanation is probably going to be kind of long so I'll put it under a read more.

It was spring-summer 2014, I was 15. I had heard the more popular songs of hers starting with Love Story and enjoyed pretty much all of them (I always found her hopelessly romantic point of view fascinating) but before I got a Spotify account in 2013 it was difficult in general for me to really get into an artists' entire discography so most of her songs had flown under my radar.

At the time, I was in this very weird sort of codependent online friendship with this girl who was basically my first real best friend and my first more or less crush. She was very depressed and I was very much in an I Could Fix Her™ mood, except that I obviously couldn't fix her and it made me feel like I wasn't enough and she had begun pulling more and more away from me and not replying to my messages and it was simply driving me insane. I consider it the saddest period in my life.

at some point during this period, I started trying to connect with other people (all online, I didn't know how to talk seriously to anyone IRL) and explaining the issues I'd been having, and one of the people who brought me joy and whom I actually felt not drained talking to was a huge swiftie. And IDK the fact that she loved Taylor and the fact that talking to her made my life better (and also the fact that I liked all the Taylor songs I knew at that point) just made me decide to give her a listen. And I think that whole "large discography discovery" phenomenon really helped me at the time (funny, because her discography has doubled since then). It gave me something new to focus on; there were just so many songs to discover, all telling such rich stories. I also have always loved bridges, they are almost always my favourite part of a song. And Taylor, god-bless her, loves them too and always puts her ALL in them. Like pretty much every bridge of hers brings the song to the next level, and even a lot of her songs I don't adore tend to have great bridges (Stay Stay Stay and Paper Rings come to mind). I think one of her most underrated qualities is how good she is at song structure and really building up an entire musical journey with a song. She also almost always adds cool ad-libs in her second and third choruses to keep the songs interesting and dynamic (or at least since she's gone pop). Anyways, back to the story: Then Taylor announced 1989 as her next album and released Shake It Off, and it was just like this great happy thing for me to look forward to, when I had very little keeping me going. The era was promoting a lot of happiness which in hindsight was slightly fabricated and it was just a really great thing for me to latch onto.

At the same time I was coming to realize that I was gonna have to pull away completely from my friend and all those break-up songs just… Hit, y'know? Like, some people seem to think Taylor's a one-trick pony because she likes to write break-up songs but to me, break-ups are just like this moment where you as a human can potentially feel every single emotion, and Taylor's songs have covered every facet of the concept. Here are some songs I remember from that period, that all meant a lot to me at the time because they explained my own pain to me so well:

Haunted, for the absolute terror you feel in the first moments you realize someone is probably gonna leave you. Come on, come on / Don't leave me like this / I thought I had you figured out / Something's gone terribly wrong / You're all I wanted.

I Almost Do, for the inner turmoil you feel when you know you have to stay away from someone for your own good but you really, really have to resist just running back to that person. We've made quite a mess, Babe / It's probably better off this way / And I confess, Babe / In my dreams you're touching my face / And asking me if I wanna try again / With you / And I almost do.

Last Kiss, for that absolute sadness that comes simply with remembering everything that was good and not comprehending how it could've possibly ended. I still remember / The look on your face / Lit through the darkness / At 1:58 / Words that you whispered / For just us to know / You told me you loved me / So why did you go / Away?

Forever and Always, for that feeling of desperately wanting to hold on to what you still have but at the same time realizing it probably isn't going to last and having no idea how to fix it, plus feeling like the other person doesn't even care. So here's to everything / Coming down to nothing / Here's to silence / That cuts me to the core / Where is this going? / Thought I knew for a minute / But I don't anymore.

Dear John, my all-time favourite song, for that moment you find clarity and realize that you deserved better and that you were headed in an extremely dark direction because of this other person. [DISCLAIMER: my friend did NOT abuse me nor did we have some inappropriate age difference. But the way she would ignore me and her general moodiness really affected my own mental health and self-worth problems] You paint me a blue sky / And go back and turn it to rain / And I lived in your chess games / But you changed the rules every day / Wondering which version of you I might get on the phone / Tonight / Well I stopped picking up / And this song is to let you know why.

(She's covered more aspects of break-ups in other songs [cheating, divorce, feeling awkward around your ex amongst others], these are just the ones I remember being really important to me when I was first getting into her)

She really helped me feel a lot less alone during one of my loneliest periods and I really can't thank her enough for that. Soon after this, I started crushing on a girl in my class and Taylor's love songs started to take on a new meaning for me as well.

What's crazy to me is, when she went on hiatus for a few years, a part of me thought maybe I'd grown out of her and no longer had much in common with her, but when reputation came out I was pulled right back into my love for her as a person and musician and then when Lover came out I found that she was still explaining feelings to me better than I ever could (specifically with the songs The Archer and Cornelia Street). And now with folklore and evermore she's simply absolutely perfected her story-telling and I find myself deeply moved even by the songs I don't directly relate to. I feel like she has this amazing ability to find the absolute truth in the specific. I've never had a summer romance with someone who already had a girlfriend and mostly wanted to go back to her, and yet the bridge of august feels so real to me, y'know?

Back when we were still changin' for the better Wanting was enough For me, it was enough To live for the hope of it all Cancel plans just in case you'd call And say, "Meet me behind the mall" So much for summer love and saying "us" 'Cause you weren't mine to lose

It's hard to explain but looking at this, like it's so much more than the story it's telling. It's talking about how when you're young you really need so little to feel satisfied; how sometimes the idea of someone maybe spending time with you is better than actually doing things with other people; and how if someone using you without much thought can make you feel like you're not even entitled to grieve what you lost. Sorry. I'll stop. Don't want to go insane.

So, all of this is very personal and unique to me, but I think really the main thing that draws me to her is how vulnerable and honest she is about emotions, how eloquently she can explain the pain of being alive to me. Some people think she isn't the strongest singer, but I think, much like John actually, one of her greatest assets is how good she is at projecting emotion. The song happiness is a song I think has some lyrically weak moments but her vocal performance on it is so raw and devastating that every single line works even when, looking at it on paper, it feels like it shouldn't.

Hope this rambling made sense to you, lmao?? I love talking about Taylor though so thanks for the ask! Also very open to giving song recs if you do want to check her out more but I won't unless solicited to lmao *Sort of off-topic but I do think there's a relation between my fascination with the Beatles' history and my love for a great break-up song. I like pain I guess :)

[itsybitsylemonsqueezy]

Okay, I’ve been putting it off, but it’s finally here. My KazuMaji playlist, which I have titled “Mad Dragon” because I think that’s a much cooler ship name : | This is informed mainly by whatever I’ve heard lately on FM radio and I’ll probably add to this as I go, but this hit my metric for being complete enough to post ^^;

Mad Dragon Playlist via youtube (I can also probably put this together via spotify if needed) 

“Van Horn” - Saint Motel 

Well, tell me do you me hate me? Or do you wanna date me? It's kinda hard to tell 'cause your eyes are looking crazy So why you coming over? Anything but sober? Looking like it's time tonight For fight or flight in Van Horn

I thought this would nicely start us off at the beginning of Kiwami 1. Like, look at those words and tell me you don’t INSTANTLY think of Kiryu. I sure as fuck did when I heard this song for the first time. This is defs Kiryu’s first impression of Majima and not knowing what in fuck’s name just happened. The eternal “Are we supposed to be fighting or fucking right now?”

“Take Me Home Tonight” - Eddie Money 

Take me home tonight I don't wanna let you go 'til you see the light Take me home tonight Listen, honey, just like Ronnie sang, Be my little baby!

Ah, and with that, we enter what I like to call the Horny section. And nothing more appropriate than an egregiously horny 80s ballad. Really sets the scene I think. And an excellent counterpoint to “Van Horn’s” confusion is the absolute certainty of Majima’s first impression here. His entire goal since meeting Kiryu is, well... to make him take him home ^^; Let’s be real. Absolutely no confusion about what he wants out of this. Horny, but also very sweet, just like our boy ❤

“Faith” - George Michael 

Well, I guess it would be nice if I could touch your body I know not everybody has got a body like you But I gotta think twice before I give my heart away And I know all the games you play because I played them, too

I would be truly remiss to write a queer playlist from the 80s without doing credit to our king, George Michael. So, continuing the Horny theme, but also, as you all might recall, the leaping directly into Kiryu’s lap gambit didn’t quite work out. And this is about that nervousness, that hesitation. And if Kiryu’s not going to put out, so to speak, then Majima’s better off holding back a bit. This is a reaction to Kiryu’s, well, rejection would be a strong word, but at least lack of reciprocation. Majima still wants him, clearly, but he’s reconsidering his strategy. Perhaps an early Kiwami 2 vibe. 

“It Will Come Back” - Hozier 

I know who I am when I'm alone! Something else when I see you, You don't understand, you should never know, How easy you are to need...

Don't let me in with with no intention to keep me! Jesus Christ! Don't be kind to me! Honey, don't feed me, I will come back

And so ends our Horny arc. The longing of this, the pining. As much as Majima knows he shouldn’t, Kiryu’s so... nice. He’s sweet, he’s tender. He’s so unbearably easy to fall for. He’s such a fucking good guy, it’s just... His helpless desire to be a part of that. Mmmm. This is a motif that stretches the whole of their relationship, but is certainly pronounced in 2 and 3. Hell, there’s even howling for fuck’s sake. 

“Dragging Me Down” - Travis Love Benson & Yo! The Moon 

Oh, this feels like a misstep, oh what a mistake! But I’ve fallen in with feelings that I cannot shake, The darkness that pulls me is dragging me down! And I think that I might be willing to drown

Ah, that inevitable horror. You’ve tried to resist, you’ve tried talking yourself down, you’ve spent time away and... yep, no, you’re good and in love. You’re fucked. This is a special kind of feeling, after the resistance, after the pining, the terrible realization that you’d give your life for this and there’s absolutely nothing you can do. Arguably, Majima’s felt like this the whole time as he’s always been afraid of what being in love with Kiryu will mean. But this is ESPECIALLY a game 4 feel. When there’s absolutely nothing you’re getting out of this, less than nothing, but you just can’t break with the feelings. You’re gonna die like this and tehre’s nothing you can do about it. Kiryu spends a bigger portion of his life than he would like to admit fighting against realizing this.

“Running Up That Hill” - Meg Myers 

It doesn't hurt me, Do you want to feel how it feels? Do you want to know? Know that it doesn't hurt me Do you want to hear about the deal that I'm making? You, it's you and me

What comes after the terrible realization that you’ll die like this? The dedication. The resignation. If you’re gonna die like this, may as well make it worth something. BIG game 4 energy here. You may as well be playing this over the arrest scene. “Running Up That Hill” is a classic for any love story where some dumbfuck is stupid enough to be self-sacrificing and oh, look at that, we have two of them. “Running Up That Hill” is so gutting though because it doesn’t assume a happy ending. It assumes that if the trade works, this still all ends in tragedy. But it’ll be worth it. Make that big Game 5 energy as well.

“King and Lionheart” - Of Monsters and Men 

Howling ghost they reappear In mountains that are stacked with fear But you're a king and I'm a lion-heart

And in the sea that's painted black Creatures lurk below the deck But you're a king and I'm a lion-heart

And as the world comes to an end I'll be here to hold your hand 'Cause you're my king and I'm your lion-heart 

Another absolute classic. I think it’s illegal anymore to make a shipping playlist without “King and Lionheart.” I certainly have more ships than I can shake a stick at that fit this song. But it’s a classic for a reason. This takes all the dedication we developed in “Running Up That Hill” and argues that it doesn’t have to be tragedy. See, the problem with the previous is the sacrifice is one-sided and unacknowledged. “King and Lionheart” says what if we both knew? What if you let me do this for you? What if these were our roles and we were happy? It doesn’t all have to end in tragedy if we just... know. And that’s the real dream isn’t it? Be my king, let me be your lionheart. *stares helplessly at Kiryu Should Have Been Chairman AU*

“I Want You to Want Me” - Letters to Cleo 

Didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you crying? Didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you crying?!   Feeling all alone without a friend, you know you feel like dying! Didn’t I, didn’t I, didn’t I see you crying? 

It was hard for me to decide where to put this, but I do feel it belongs on this list. “I Want You to Want Me” on surface level expresses a fairly typical expression of infatuated puppy love. But it’s the above, this part, that really strikes me. Because that isn’t just the adoring desperation of courtship. Didn’t I see you crying, didn’t I see you vulnerable, didn’t I see you broken, and didn’t I love you anyway? Didn’t I see you crying and didn’t it do something to me to see you like that? That isn’t just blind desire. I’m still not sure where this should go and I may find a better spot for it eventually, but this is about the fact that they get each other’s broken pieces. That there’s some deep, vulnerable shit to work through and... seeing it and still wanting to be a part of things, fuck, even still feeling that blind puppy love is... really something. This is certainly part of Kiryu’s love language. He never sees ugliness in people and he has a profound propensity to take care of others. This is a thing he wants to say.

“I Still Ain’t Over You” - Augustana 

Hey, I'm the blood in your veins, I'm the cold when it rains, And I'm your heart when it breaks- Time, no it ain't on our side, I'm the truth to your lies, And I’m your tear, when you cry

This is a different kind of pining. This is that post-break up pining, the know-I-should-get-over-it pining. It’s not the pining you get when your courting. It’s not even the resigned to rejection pining. It’s that important part of getting over a break up where you’re still dealing with what it was you had or wanted and can’t let go of yet. Big Game 3 energy, but also Game 6. Because this also has a little hope for what still might be. There’s longing for what was, but also the possibility of the future. That’s what’s so confusing about it. Not knowing how to let go or what to let go of. I also just really like this song and I’m also just physically incapable of not putting Augustana in my playlists. You can really tell me generation there. 

“With or Without You” - U2

And you give yourself away, and you give yourself away! And you give! And you give! And you give yourself away! With or without you! With or without you, I can’t live... with or without you...

To be honest, this song basically makes no damn sense. Because it’s not asking for anything, like... it has no solution. But it perfectly encapsulates the heartbreak of being in love with something that can never happen. Game 5/Game 6 energy if I ever saw it. Just... the rawness... the desperation. It’s a classic for a reason.

“Needing/Getting” - Ok GO 

So I been sitting around, wasting my time, Wondering what you been doing. Aw, and it ain't real forgiving, it ain't real forgiving, Sitting here picturing someone else living. And I, yeah I still need you, But what good's that gonna do? Needing is one thing, and getting, Getting's another.

So we’ve had the break up. We’ve had the heartbreaking realization that what we wanted can never happen. And now... we’re finally coming to terms with that a little bit. Finally going, y’know what? I may never be over this, but I should probably try to move on with my life anyway. “Needing/Getting” is at least admitting that this is a losing proposition. We may not be all the way to healing and, heaven forbid, getting over it. But we’ve gotten as far as... this is pretty dumb.

“My Love” - Sia

My love, leave yourself behind Beat inside me, leave you blind My love, look what you can do I am mending, I'll be with you

So... after you realize that this isn’t going to get any better and, maybe, you don’t like being heartbroken all the time... sometimes you try to let things go. Big Game 6 energy. There’s a lot to love, there’s a lot to appreciate. And letting go doesn’t mean letting it all go, it doesn’t mean forgetting or regretting. But it can mean... moving on. Taking all you loved and learned with you, but moving on. To not give up on yourself, to keep doing what you promised you’d do, sometimes you gotta. There’s a lot of endings in Yakuza and a lot we may have to accept. “My Love” is about honoring that and keeping that love strong.

“Somewhere Only We Know” - Lily Allen

And if you have a minute, why don't we go Talk about it somewhere only we know? This could be the end of everything So why don't we go? So why don't we go?

But, then again, who says we can’t try again? After we’ve accepted our loss, our endings, who says we can’t be close to the people we love when we still love them? This is how I tend to favor post-5 and even post-6 thoughts. Why can’t we just have nice things? I mean... jeez, c’mon. Please. I like to think that after all the pining and regret, we could still come to terms. We could realize how silly we’re being and just... it’s as easy as just asking for a little time. 

[chaoticpanenergy]

Alright, Sanders Sides fandom (+ Six the Musical fandom). 

I watched this *ahem* neato slime tutorial about Six the Musical and then listened to the soundtrack on Spotify and then overanalyzed the lyrics on genius.com and I have a lot of emotions about this story. So what do I do? I make a Sanders Sides au/analysis for it, obviously, putting WAY too much thought into different interpretations of which side could be which queen. Let’s jump in.

Catherine of Aragon

Catherine in the golden-yellow and black costume. Catherine who knows when she is lied to. Catherine who puts herself first when it comes down to it. Catherine who deals with disrespect but knows her worth anyway. Catherine who “keeps her cool” and stays in control of herself. Catherine must be Janus, lord of the lies, self-preservation, whose calm facade has cracked so rarely.

But then again, Catherine is a leader. Catherine is concerned with loyalty, and what is right and wrong, and that is why she stands up against the divorce—it is wrong of Henry to divorce her, according to her morals. Catherine can swallow her pride, and Catherine seeks a solution to the last, giving Henry so many chances. Catherine handles her situation with grace. Catherine must be Patton, the Hufflepuff, Morality, loving and kind and endlessly forgiving, always trying to do what is right and guide others to do the same.

But then again, Catherine strives to “keep her cool.” To look at things with a level head. She speaks up and reasons with Henry, and in return asks for his own reasoning. She refuses to be made into a joke or looked down upon. Catherine is stubborn and verbose. Catherine must be Logan, the voice of reason, who does his best to keep a handle on his temper and appear as professional as possible, who explains and reasons and is logic above all, who is terrified of being seen as a joke, who is desperate to just be heard for once in his life.

Anne Boleyn

Anne in the green sleeves. Anne who has no filter whatsoever, Anne who says whatever comes into her head. Anne who makes jokes about her own beheading. Anne who says “don’t be bitter/cause I’m fitter/why hasn’t it hit her?/he doesn’t wanna bang you/somebody hang you.” Anne who is “sorry not sorry” about everything she says. Anne who is the most gleeful and up-front about “x-rated” content. Anne whose energy is boundless. Anne who is disliked and cast in a negative light by those around her. Anne must be Remus, the darkly creative, responsible for intrusive thoughts, who would never hide anything going through his head and sees no reason to regret this, the “evil twin.”

But then again, Anne who didn’t mean to hurt anyone.” Anne who desperately cries “what was I meant to do?” over and over again as every choice she makes has no good outcome for her. Anne whose comments are more harshly received than she sometimes means. Anne who does not take it well when she comes second to someone else. Anne must be Roman, the ego, stuck in a damned-if-I-do-damned-if-I-don’t situation towards Janus throughout the “Putting Others First” saga, who often lashes out instinctively only to immediately apologize, who strives to be Thomas’s hero.

But then again, Anne whose actions are surprisingly logical from her own point of view. Anne who uses phrases like “obviously” to describe what took place. Anne who gives back tit for tat and no more when she feels disrespected. Anne who is blunt, perhaps more so than is good for her. Anne must be Logan, who always does what makes the most sense to him, who considers what is fair and equal, who can come across as harsher than he means.

Jane Seymour

Jane who is patient. Jane who is steady. Jane who forgives over and over again and makes allowance for behavior she does not deserve to tolerate. Jane whose family is of the utmost importance to her. Jane is overlooked for her kindness and meekness but is so, so strong. Jane who makes puns about her own name. Jane must be Patton, who adores his family, the punster, who is established as the dad friend from day one, who gives and nurtures and forgives endlessly, who is resilient and strong and supportive.

But then again, Jane sticks with the positions she has chosen. Jane who is easily overlooked. Jane who acknowledges the often-sucky realities of life and does not let it bring her down. Jane who is strong as stone and unshakeable. Jane must be Logan, who will not back down, who can be relegated to the sidelines too easily, who is down to earth and who chooses to see the wonder in the ordinary despite all the bad.

But then again, Jane knows she could be rejected at a misstep. Jane who loves, and is loved, but believes that love could “disappear.” Jane who withstands hardships and heartbreak and fear. Jane who uses storm imagery constantly. Jane whose strength and love is akin to stone, something rarely used as a positive metaphor. Jane must be Virgil, who worries he will be rejected for his dark past, who withstood being shunned by those he “lo—cares for” in the past, who is prickly and can cause harm but has grown and matured, who will not be reduced to a single facet of himself even if that makes him more “complicated,” whose logo is a stormcloud.

Anna of Cleves

Anna who is bold. Anna who is unafraid to speak her mind and gets what she wants. Anna whose physical appearance led to her rejection. Anna who is the epitome of “me time” and “self care.” Anna who has no problem being sassy and gives as good as she gets. Anna must be Janus, who advocates for self care and putting oneself first, who is a drama queen, whose sarcasm is off the charts, who has been accused of trickery (sometimes justified, sometimes not), who thrives on attention, whose snake face led to instant distrust from everyone around him, who will go to any length to be heard.

But then again, Anna who demands attention. Anna who gives herself every luxury that occurs to her on a whim. Anna is the only character to openly curse, and gives it a double meaning. Anna who revels in the portrait that caused her rejection and takes pride in it. Anna is the first to make fun of Henry's genitals. Anna must be Remus, who revels in everything he is told not to, who is impulsive and whimsical and unfiltered, who calls Logan a dork and later reveals the inappropriate double meaning, who takes up space unashamedly.

But then again, Anna who constantly reminds us of her royal position. Anna who leans into the queenly activities and possessions. Anna who is flamboyant. Anna who dances when her jam comes on the lute. Anna who rejects criticism of herself. Anna who is “looking cute.” Anna must be Roman, the ego, who put “Flamboyant” by Dorian Electra on his playlist, who is creativity embodied and dances and sings and acts, who “has got to slay,” who reminds us constantly of his princely status.

Katherine Howard

Katherine who comes across at first as flirty and confident only to later reveal that she is insecure because she has only ever been valued for her appearance. Katherine who idealizes and daydreams about someone caring about her for herself and not her looks. Katherine who uses self-confident language to mask her insecurity. Katherine whose language is so flowery and filled with vivid descriptions. Katherine who desperately wants to be approved of and loved. Katherine must be Roman, whose confident facade hides insecurity, who is a hopeless romantic, who is a storyteller, whose language is filled with descriptors and metaphors, who desperately craves approval and validation, who is the romantic side.

But then again, Katherine gives others the benefit of the doubt. Katherine who looks for friends everywhere she goes. Katherine who constantly uses euphemisms and language that might be considered childish. Katherine who is sweet and sincere. Katherine must be Patton, who censors his language and can skirt around topics that are too unpleasant, who forgives and gives second chances, who is kind and soft, who makes friends almost as easily as breathing.

But then again, Katherine who has been let down over and over again. Katherine who tries again and again after every disappointment. Katherine who is anxious to be approved of. Katherine must be Virgil, who dealt with the “scorn” of those he admired for so long, who has persevered through everything, who deals with self-doubt, who always tries again.

But then again, Katherine who thinks she ought to know better, but never does. Katherine who is so, so tired of this same shit every time. Katherine who is too worldly and disillusioned. Katherine who hopes and tries again every time she gets let down. Katherine must be Janus, who put “You’re a Cad” on his playlist, who was rejected time and time again by Thomas and the others but kept trying, who went on a whole ramble about how society is out to get you and the only person you can really trust is yourself.

Catherine Parr

Catherine who brought all the queens together despite their differences and their fights. Catherine who was separated from the person she cared about before eventually reuniting with him. Catherine who uses her voice defiantly because she is tired of being silenced. Catherine who doesn’t need love to get by. Catherine who loves music. Catherine who sometimes loses hope, but keeps going anyway. Catherine must be Virgil, the bridge between “light” and “dark” sides, who cannot be silenced, always listening (to Thomas or to music), who cared about the “light” sides long before he was accepted as part of the group.

But then again, Catherine who prioritizes herself and her own story. Catherine who sings her song “for me.” Catherine who is a little bit cynical about love stories, which we’re normally taught to idealize. Catherine for whom the rules of society are a trap. catherine who demands control over herself. Catherine who rejects the rules of the queens’ competition when they restrict her. Catherine must be Janus, self-preservation and self-care, who feels restricted and endangered by the rules of society, who dismisses Patton’s urge to help those in need with a “yeah, sure, whatever, if that’s your thing,” who pushes Thomas to be true to himself.

But then again, Catherine who “built a future in her mind” with her love. Catherine who loves art in all its forms, and consumes and creates it with abandon. Catherine who wants to tell her story on her own terms after being silenced for so long. Catherine must be Roman, endlessly creative, romantic daydreamer, struggling with balancing his wants with Thomas's needs and feeling silenced because of it.

But then again, Catherine who writes, and is scholarly. Catherine who fights for equality and takes steps within her power to make specific differences. Catherine who champions education for women. Catherine who cannot stand being boxed in and made to be less than she truly is. Catherine who bottles up her rage at the unfairness of it all for as long as she can. Catherine whose feelings are pushed aside. Catherine must be Logan, the teacher, who pushes his emotions aside until he cannot hold them back anymore, who feels like he is not seen for who he is, who cares deeply about things being fair and equitable, who outlines action steps, who always asks more questions.

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The queens are each multi-faceted characters full of depth—they’re human, gorgeously and heartwrenchingly so. It makes sense that there are multiple Sides that could easily fit into each of their roles, and I haven’t even covered every possible interpretation. There are dozens of possible lineups to come up with here, each that I love to think about. What’s your favorite? I’d love to hear.