#but anyway i'm exposing myself and how stupid i was because i think the complete 180 i did when i started watching was so funny

[dylanconrique]

i will never not laugh whenever i watch those swing set scenes between benedict and eloise now, because it just takes me back to the time when i didn't know anything about this show, nor did i know that they were based off books, so when people were editing that scene of them sharing a cigarette on the swings way back in s1 i was like, "oh, that's cute! i ship it!!" completely unaware that they were actually siblings. 💀💀

[l-in-the-light]

Trafalgar Law: fear of closeness and touch part 2, the extended edition

Writing another post about it, because I have a lot of thoughts I need to organize for myself. This time it will be more like my interpretation about Law and his relationships with people than about the touch itself. And also I forgot one of the most crucial scenes about the topic (because ofc I would forget something so important), so I will start with it:

The last touch he remembers from Flevance is hiding under the pile of corpses, cold dehumanized bodies, treated like trash. No one wanted to touch them, just like no one wanted to be touched by Law. How poetic that Law escaped Flevance with a death sentence while hiding among the dead, because he will be treated like he's dead to the world from now on.

This reminds me of a manga I once read, Shigeshoushi (The Embalmer). It's about a guy whose job is embalming the dead, and he is ostracized, feared and refused by people as a result. Contact with death and dead bodies is taboo in Shinto and folk culture of Japan in general. If you think it's a thing of the past, I reccommend to watch Okuribito (Departures), it's really good and this topic is at the heart of the movie.

Anyway, back to the manga, warning for spoilers. Situation escalates to the point when the only human touch the guy can get is that of him handling the corpses for his job and that really messes up with his mental health. His despair leads him to engage himself in risky situations just to get by, casual sexual encounters with strangers become the only form of intimacy he can get and he soon gets addicted to it, but it still lacks the emotional warmth and love he desperately craves, so it's never enough for him. Of course to even get those encounters he has to lie about his job and whenever his lie gets exposed and he is confronted about it, forced to listen to all those women blaming him, feeling disgusted by what he forced on them (it was never forced, but suddenly it's unwanted after they learn he embalms dead bodies every day), and it just triggers and deepens his trauma.

I wonder if you can tell where I'm going with this comparison. Law is definitely as starved for touch and love as the main protagonist is. Still, I don't believe Law would become hypersexual (tho that's just my personal impression, especially after he so blatantly refused Monett), but most importantly unlike the main character Law would definitely not desperately beg for the touch. It's just not how Law is, he doesn't like to impose himself on others if he absolutely doesn't have to. Not to mention he can't bear asking openly for help or for anything really, not after the Vergo incident. It was the last time he ever begged for something.

Law seems to be the type to neglect his own needs to the point that he makes stupid and reckless decisions based on his fear of losing people (callback to Wano and imprisoned Hearts). When people dear to him are in danger, his first instinct is to rush and help them unless he's completely immobilized. That's the level of "prioritizing other people's safety and needs" he believes in, he would do it every time, but he hates when people do it for him. Mostly because he deeply believes Corazon got hurt because of him, and Corazon gave him all that love Law was starving for. And Law believes Cora-san finally died for it.

Add his trauma of expecting people to not want to be touched by him into the equation. That's why he has problems expressing his own need for love (and touch) from that point onward. He acts so tough, doesn't allow himself to show weakness and will definitely never ask for love, he learned his lesson on that.

But what about Heart Pirates? They love him! He clearly protects and deeply cares for them, but in each scene he is with them, not counting Bepo, he keeps them at a distance. I do believe Law treats his crew more or less on equal terms, he favours freedom after all, but their relationship is restricted by his fear and makes it significantly more asymmetrical than the one Luffy has with his crew. I do think Penguin and Shachi are more important to Law than the rest of his crew, they're best friends, they've formed the Heart Pirates together, but he doesn't allow them to be on touchy feely basis with him. That's reserved for Bepo. Bepo is basically the last safe haven Law allowed himself to have up until Strawhats happened.

Law at Sabaody creates three new bonds with people: with two supernovas and Jean Bart. The latter he takes into his crew and I believe it's because Jean Bart has no other place to go, especially with Marines and Pacifistas running around the island. It's possible Law does it all the time and his crew (beyond the original four) got expanded because of that.

Law's bond with Kid started on a wrong foot, not only Kid judges Law based on prejudice and "bad rep" flying around about him, he also accussed him of lack of manners (triggering a flashback to Vergo), all in Law's hearing range. It's not really surprising later on Law doesn't want to owe Kid a favour by letting Kid take care of the Marines. Law clearly doesn't want to be indebted to someone who feels disgust towards him (I don't think Kid is disgusted by him, but that's what Law thinks at this point). And even after Wano it seems Law made sure that they're even, none is indebted to the other. For Law it was just a temporary alliance, he kept his distance, they didn't end up becoming friends.

Last new bond Law created was with Luffy. It started indirectly at first, Luffy was defending his fishman friend. Things said about Hatchan triggered a trauma response in Law ("Don't come closer! Disgusting! He will spread diseases!"), in my headcanon freezing him in the spot. But Luffy defended his friend and indirectly also Law by punching the Celestial Dragon, in similar fashion to Corazon defending Law by punching the doctors spouting similar prejudice about amber lead syndrome.

Law thanked Luffy for that and he felt safe doing so, after all what Luffy did was never directed at Law himself, but the gratitude must have confused Luffy to no end (Why is that guy thanking me? I didn't do anything for him!). Law didn't mind this bond at this moment exactly because it was so indirect, as a result he allowed himself to interact with Luffy and even took the first step, probably thinking it will lead to nothing. But he would never do it if not for Luffy's indirect impact on Law. If that's the expected level for casual bonds Law has set up, I doubt many occassions appeared for that before. It just shows he avoids people as a general rule, period.

But things changed after they left the auction house. Law is displeased with Kid, only telling him not to order him around and refusing to even talk with him, but his dynamic with Luffy is completely different, he doesn't feel bad about it despite being treated like accomplice in the whole Celestial Dragon incident.

He even allows himself to tease him a bit. There's no bad air between them. It almost feels like Law feels more emotionally available despite them being strangers, or rather exactly because they're strangers here and Law thinks they will also leave as strangers, which gives him the freedom to be more open.

They fought together, mostly by accident, but for Luffy that's enough to already feel a bit attached to Kid and Law. He declares he's after One Piece, implying from now on they will be rivals.

That doesn't earn him any response from Law. In fact, he just smirks and retreats without a word.

There are multiple possible reasons for his reaction here, but one of them is important right now: if Law said anything, he would acknowledge that bond, that of being a rival to Luffy. He didn't want it, in fact he wanted them to remain strangers, with no lingering attachments. That's why, when he got offered Luffy's friendship (disguised as rivalship, mind you), he turns back and retreats.

That's his answer. Later in Amazon Lily he also ends up retreating without even waiting for Luffy to say his thanks.

And how ironic that the next time they see each other it's Law who ends up extending his hand, not once, but twice: first by saving Luffy's life by risking his own, and second time by proposing alliance. I can only imagine Luffy's surprise: he got rejected before, but now it's Law himself proposing it! And what a funny guy he is, he doesn't need to offer friendship, because for Luffy they're already friends, after all didn't Law save his life? Law though just needed help, but wouldn't ask for it directly, because we know he never does that anymore, so instead he offered a bait. Frankly he didn't need to, Luffy would do anything he wanted him to anyway. Luffy ofc thought the alliance is a fun idea, but in the end he accepted it because it's Law who needed it to be an alliance, he wouldn't accept help otherwise. Also alliance felt impersonal and safe, without the need to be emotionally open.

There's so many seperate frames of Law just staring and thinking upon their reunion. He's conflicted. Also at this point their relationship changed, whether Law wanted it or not. He was there when Luffy lost Ace, saw him breaking down, definitely thought they now share something in common: they both lost people who were the dearest to them. I'm also sure he could see through Luffy's smile, he knew there's no way he would be already "okay" after just two years.

Unusual whimsical frame of Luffy. He closed his eyes, not listening to the words spoken, but instead listening to his own heart. He knows he needs to kidnap Caesar, that's what Law asked him to do, but Luffy doesn't just want to do what he's told, he wants to make sure the person he is doing it for is happy. It's a callback to Luffy's deepest regret: leaving Sabo with his family, assuming things would be better this way, without making sure first if that's something that would make Sabo actually happy.

Ever since Luffy does this double-check-for-no-regrets for all of his friends and crewmates. He follows Nami to Arlong Park and waits patiently in case she actually needs help. She questions Kyros' choice and goes to all the way to Rebecca to the castle just to ask her if she's really fine with staying seperated from her dad. And he does it here as well. Would kidnapping Caesar make Law actually happy, Luffy wonders. And probably thinks back to their previous encounter, in Sabaody, and Law's mysterious line after Luffy punched the Celestial Dragon: "Thanks Strawhat, you showed me something interesting". And Luffy found his answer and it's this:

Punching Caesar. Apparently Luffy did something right in Sabaody and he thinks it was about the punching, so he does it again now as well. Ofc he wants to punch Caesar anyway, but he does pause before doing that, he actually doesn't jump for it straightaway, it's AFTER he thinks about it. Luffy decided this is what would make Law actually happy, despite going against the plan. Luffy didn't believe following Law's plan will actually make Law happy, but punching his enemies will.

And yet Law doesn't look happy, but let's look more closely to his body languague. He turns around, doesn't declare his unhappiness directly to Luffy's face, he's making an emotional retreat again despite shouting. He's giving mixed signals. So was Luffy wrong?

Law is trying to hide his smile. Making sure no one notices. He's trying to maintain the distance and remain cold, but seems it's working less and less efficiently.

I will let you decide it for yourselves whether Luffy was right or wrong in the end.

There is more nuance about this I didn't even touch yet, for example the drastic gap between Marines fearing Law and calling him a monster, and Stawhats (minus Luffy), at first fearful and suspicious of Law, but it took them like 5 minutes to change their mind and trust him just like Luffy did.

In Dressrosa Law declares that, deep in his heart, he actually also wants to kick Doflamingo's butt. Luffy doesn't even act surprised upon hearing that. Of course, he knew already, Law didn't even have to say it.

While in Dressrosa Law attempts to break the alliance, send off half the Strawhats to safety and despite barely being able to move himself he takes care of Luffy in the final countdown. Almost like he already treats them like his own crew, keeping them safe. If you ask me, someone got attached. And the pinnacle of it is when Law shares with us that he aims to either live or die with Luffy (not die for him, unlike Luffy's own crew declaring in this arc). That's the best he could offer and he knows how much it's painful when someone dies *for you*, he wouldn't inflict that pain on Luffy again, not when he knows Luffy thinks of him as a friend.

And finally in Wano Law finally opens up more and lashes out at Strawhats, just like he did at Corazon. He no longer feels the need to emotionally distance himself all the time, or keeping it all bottled up behind a stoic cold facade and impersonal "alliance". That's how he shows his worry and affection, he considers them his responsibility in Wano.

He also admits for the very first time his fear of losing people. "The plan isn't worth anyone dying" (in this case - Zoro dying). He allows himself to trust and to be vulnerable.

If you think Law is torn about his growing connection with Strawhats, then you're thinking the same as me. He allowed himself to get attached and he didn't want to initially.

Is it really alright if I touch you too…? (ready to retreat his hand at any moment he senses it's unwanted after all)

His words are often rough and cold, but his actions speak for themselves. He trusts the Strawhats by this point, they're his second crew, and he would do the same for them he would do for his Hearts.

And now he has a problem, he gained more people he is afraid of losing. New friends.

[etinceelle]

The more I'm on internet and the more I see harassment and call out posts every single day on various fandoms/artists spaces for all possible reasons and honestly I don't even know what to say outside of the fact that this is so freaking dangerous and wild to put labels and accusations on people you don't even know, or to not even try to understand and seek knownledge about the situation outside of what you want to see and understand. There are real predators doing illegal stuff who need to be stopped and yet people having fun and imagining things for ocs, various characters and ships are being accused of the worst things ever and it follows them everywhere. Tiny things are took as obvious signs of predatory behavior or racism or whatever and this is supposed to be fine.

I don't even mean to bring back the topic of my own story but experiencing dog piling and rumors and serious accusations for months because of a follow is just completely wild when I think about it. With some distance, I think I could have handled everything better when I spoke about it publicly. But I never should have wrote this post in the first place.

Block button exist and report button exist as well for serious problematic elements. My take is that no one deserves harassment and cruelty. But when you say "I'm against harassment and I don't want this person to be harassed", people take it as you defending "problematic" elements and completely distort it anyway. It's honestly exhausting and stupid.

Everyone has something that make them uncomfortable or that triggers them and I have my own standards as well. There are things I consider seriously weird but we don't know people and we don't know any of the intention behind the art. The way you explore something, how you do it, for what reason is what should matter. There are so much things you don't know. Nothing is black and white. I honestly think that as an artist, your art is connected to you, but the themes you work on are NOT reality. Again it's about the intention and how you go about something. I just think media literacy should really be teached at school because wow.

I just thought about expressing myself on this because it's just too serious and harming a lot of people who did nothing. I got attacked over a FOLLOW for someone who did nothing but imagine a future AU for characters and I think that's insane. Everything should be analyzed case by case. There are a real dangers who need to be exposed but this is never a reason or a justification to become cruel or to wish harm to anyone and assume the worst on people you never met. Just take a breath, go outside and learn how to block people, because that's insane the amount of people I had to block because they were being shitty but didn't block me or were still even following me.

I'm trying to not let my emotions get the better of me but that's honestly insane many others and myself got caught into this. The only thing I always did is drawing Nuts and Dolts because that's the only ship I could ever care about in RWBY. Being against harassment is not about defending "bad" people. It's so easy to judge people and make your little assumptions harming REAL people like that.

[misc-obeyme]

Hey CC I have a question!

I'm tryna create my own character who is based on Beel. It has been years since I played Obey Me, I don't really remember Beel's or others personalities.

What I wanna focus more in his innocence, what makes him so naïve? Does expressing you're feelings for him or flirt with him work? Does seducing work on Beel? If It's MC or another person who likes Beel. What else could he be naïve for?

As I'm tryna out this innocence to my own character as for other traits between Beel and my OC are very different.

Hi there, anon!

Hmm. Well, in my opinion, Beel isn't exactly naive so much as he's just... willing to be vulnerable. And a lot of people read that as naive because it means he's putting himself out there, which could lead to him getting hurt. So I guess he's very truthful and honest with his feelings without being overly guarded of them. He wears his heart on his sleeve.

Expressing your feelings for him would definitely work. If you told him directly how you feel, without couching it in confusing language, that would actually make him very happy. Especially if he feels the same way. He'll tell you right then if he hasn't already.

Flirting will also work, but perhaps not too subtly. Beel isn't stupid, but he's also not likely to make assumptions about how you feel unless you express it clearly. It's less that he doesn't understand and more that he doesn't even register that flirting is happening because you haven't indicated to him clearly that you feel anything other than friendship for him. He doesn't try to read your mind or figure out how you're feeling. If you don't tell him, he assumes you don't feel that way. If he's uncertain, he'll ask you.

Seducing will also work. In this case, he might be flustered if you do it without indicating any kind of feelings previously. If he thinks you're just friends, he'll be confused by you trying to seduce him. He'll know what you're doing immediately, but it won't make sense to him. And in this case, he'll ask you about it, too. He might not ask you how you feel in that moment, but he might say something like, "Are you sure?" or "Is this what you want?" He's willing if you are, but he wants that clear reassurance. This guy doesn't do mind games.

What a lot of people see in Beel as innocence is really just honesty.

Because when it comes down to it, it's risky to be completely honest with how you feel or what you're thinking. You're always opening yourself up for potential hurt when you do that.

And by not being guarded, it makes it feel like Beel has never been hurt. Which in turn can make him seem innocent.

But we know that Beel has been hurt. He watched his own family turn on each other. And yet he's still able to be vulnerable, still able to take that risk.

I think it's because for Beel, that painful experience didn't teach him he has to protect himself. It taught him that he has to protect everyone else. And in his eyes, being honest with you will prevent you from potential hurt though misunderstanding. Even if it also leads to him being hurt.

And this is how he would be especially with MC who has earned his trust and friendship. That's a person he wants to protect. And if that means exposing himself to possible pain, he would do it willingly.

Wow anyway, not to get too into character analysis here, but this is how I characterize Beel. The game gives us the very edges of this, but this is how I've come to understand his character when writing it for myself. Hopefully it helps with your OC! Feel free to ask me more questions if you like, though!

[sigma-s-wife]

Note: It is the first time I write something like this for this app, sorry for the spelling and narrative errors, English is not my main language. I would appreciate any kind of correction anyone could give me, thanks.

Sleep || Sigma x Reader x Nikolai

Sigma can't say exactly when it was that he started sharing the comfort of him bed.

He remembers the discomfort and itchiness in his body when he laid down his first night on the hot sand, at least that was a decent attempt to seek warmth in the middle of nowhere, exposed to such low nighttime temperatures. The sand had seeped into places he wasn't even aware it existed and it was tedious to walk around feeling it on every part of his body.

His 'sand bed' didn't last long, because when he least realized it, he had already been the victim of human trafficking. He will not even make an effort to remember those days, nor the unhealthy conditions in which he had to live to the point of exhaustion.

He can say that things got better when he joined DoA. Was he happy about what he was getting into and its implications? Not by a long shot. But he had been promised a home and a family. What was he capable of doing about it?

And indeed they did, he was given a home, a casino. And he was given a family, thousands of customers. A sense of ownership had stayed with him by acquiring both.

Clearly he had to live up to it, he had to work hard if he didn't want what little he had to be taken away from him.

After all, what was just a little stress and fatigue for the sake of keeping what was his by his side?

At the end of the day (or after a few days) he could return to his single, tidy room. There was a bed waiting for his tired body. Pillows made entirely of feathers, silky sheets and simple but beautiful colors that enveloped his skin completely, that lulled him in the coldest nights giving him a comforting warmth. So much comfort forced him, sometimes against his will, to fall into a placid sleep.

But still, an object remained just that, an object. And both his clients and subordinates were people external to him. Sure, he considered them home and family, but he wasn't completely stupid or deluded.

Sometimes, on the heaviest nights, the bed felt too big for his heavy body, which only sank deeper and deeper into the mattress. The pillow was not only soft to lay his head on, but also to hug. And even if he carefully wrapped his arms around it, even if he closed his eyes, he knew it was only a pillow. He could also mention the shiver that ran through his body, one that didn't exactly arise from the cold, his blankets were warm enough to prevent it, but it was a sensation that ran through his limbs every time he remembered he was all alone in that dark room.

"Are you all right?"

He hears your sleepy voice in his arms, and it was only then that he realized how tightly he was squeezing him embrace. Maybe he was thinking too much.

"I'm sorry, did I wake you up?" Sigma murmurs a little worried.

You slowly shook your head, looking at him with slightly tired eyes.

"No, I just realized I was dreaming and stabbed myself with something to wake up."

"Is that possible?" Sigma arches his eyebrow in intrigue, although he also felt a little worried.

"Of course it's possible, don't you usually do it when you can't wake up?" You look at him with the same strangeness "I woke up because I was dreaming about something too strange. I dare say even more disturbing than the things Nikolai dreams about."

"I see that as something quite difficult to achieve, so I'm glad you woke up... even if you had to hurt yourself."

You can see Sigma's confused face.

"What were you doing hugging us so tightly and staring at nothing anyway? I mean, not that it bothers me, but you seemed to be thinking about something."

You ask worriedly, moving your hands to his face, gently caressing his cheek.

"It's nothing." He replies as you closes your eyes, leaning a little against your touch- I'm just remembering things I don't like to think about.

If you don't specify it in full, you'd rather not dig any further into it today. If you could, you would love to erase all of Sigma's worries with a single touch. But now you would confirm yourself by reaching out and kissing him forehead affectionately.

You can't see it, but Sigma smiles slightly at the feel of you on him forehead.

He remembers well the first time you slept with him, and how could him not? If it had been the first time in years that you felt you rested properly.

They were awkward at first, settling into each end of the bed as an awkward but not uncomfortable silence enveloped them. Minutes had passed as they both stared at the ceiling, feeling that the day had been short and they needed to keep talking.

The conversation started when Sigma's stomach growled as he looked at you a little embarrassed. He explained that maybe it was because he had been thinking about cookies, which made your stomach also feel tempted and growled.

They started talking about the best brands of cookies, their favorites, their cookie rankings, the best shaped, the best creamed, the best mixed. They concluded that chocolate chip cookies were superior, and by this time they were both lying on their sides, facing each other with slightly sleepy eyes.

Your hand was resting in the middle of both of yours, and he cautiously, feeling out the situation, had brought his hand gently over yours. You smiled in response and he did the same, giving you a light squeeze.

That was when they decided that enough was enough for today, so you had reached up to deposit a small kiss on his forehead as you wished him goodnight.

"Are you having a late night chat without me?"

You both hear the question that interrupted Sigma's memory behind you. You turn slightly to meet the heterochromatic orbs of Nikolai, who had a sleepy smile on his face. Surely so much movement had woken him up.

"No, in fact we were already going to sleep."

You reply as Sigma nods behind you, watching as Nikolai grimaces.

"So when I wake up you guys go to sleep?" he asked with a false tone of suspicion in his voice. "If you ask me, that's pretty suspicious actually!"

"Kolya, we never left you out of anything what are you complaining about?"

You ask while watching Nikolai's theatrics with amusement.

"No? What about that goodnight kiss?"

You can hear the "offense" in his voice, as he looks accusingly at both of you.

"Kolya, we gave you 5 kisses as an excuse that you needed your stamps to get into the envelope (to bed) and you dare to say that we didn't kiss you goodnight?"

Sigma asks with a slight frown.

"There's the rub, dear assistant! Those were stamps, not goodnight kisses."

"Did I go from being your boyfriend to being your assistant?"

"If you don't kiss me goodnight, then you're not my boyfriend."

"If we kiss you goodnight, will you stop being offended?"

You ask a little tiredly as you watch Nikolai nod.

You kneel on your bed, carefully settling in next to Nikolai as you push him into the middle of you and Sigma.

You stretch a little to give him a kiss on his right cheek while Sigma takes care of placing a kiss on his left cheek.

He had a small smile on his face, Nikolai was annoying, but not that much.

"You look like you're thinking about how charmingly annoying I am."

Gogol mentions, as you feel him wrap his arm around your waist, doing the same with Sigma's waist. Clearly an attempt to keep the two of you close.

"You're probably more annoying than five troublesome customers of mine."

"Oh, Sigma! You're so flattering."

"But you should admit he has his charm."

Sigma lets out a sigh, nodding slightly. Nothing in the world could take away the hidden fondness in his eyes when he looks at you or Nikolai.

"Yes, unfortunately he has his charm."

Nikolai only lets out a small laugh, squeezing Sigma's waist a little tightly and then kisses him on the head and then kisses you on the forehead.

Oh, this brings back memories for you and Sigma, how can you forget the first time Nikolai slept with you? Just to say that the next day you and Sigma had been kicked out of bed because Nikolai moved around too much at bedtime.

But at least that could be 'compensated' the moment he wrapped his arms around the two of you, making the three of you stay quite close to each other, just as it happens right now.

It was a surprisingly comfortable closeness, it was quite easy to get lost in a conversation with Nikolai where both you and Sigma were participants. Even so, you couldn't escape occasional teasing, or his riddles, some of them being quite bizarre.

You rest your cheek on Nikolai's chest as you continue to reminisce and Sigma mimics your action, both of you closing your eyes to feel him chest rise and fall in quiet breaths.

You just know that before you fall asleep, you feel Sigma reach up to place one last kiss on your cheek and Nikolai's.

[c0rpseductor]

bitching and moaning post

i know the satanic panic was completely nuts and that nothing that was alleged in it actually happened in any way. i still hate seeing it mentioned so much bc so many people will bring up fucking false memory syndrome foundation talking points in response, like "they implanted false memories in kids to make them say this shit, remember that it's what happens to everyone who says they had a 'repressed memory' and that's always how they 'retrieve' these things in therapy, DID came out of the satanic panic and it's not a real diagnosis and the people who claim to suffer from it...uhhh idk made it up for attention and weren't really abused i guess!"

it's so fucking exhausting. i know i shouldnt have looked in the tags of that post and it's my own fault for upsetting myself. i just wish people wouldn't say shit like this. i hate feeling like nobody would believe me about what abuse i suffered in my family just because i had such difficulty with recall. like yes it is possible to forget parts of a trauma and still have it affect you that's why it's part of the diagnostic criteria for fucking ptsd. not everyone who claims to have forgotten something is making shit up or talking about like. remembering things bc of fucking hypnosis therapy. when i was in therapy most of what happened was me describing fucking actual abuse that was happening in my family right then and having nobody give a shit bc Kids Are Dramatic. nobody was trying to make me think i was abused because nobody listened to me about the abuse i was even able to articulate was happening.

and like. saying DID was fucking invented by the satanic panic isn't even fucking Accurate, but i'm just so exhausted of hearing it anyway. like ok so clearly the reason ive had all these symptoms since i was very young before i even understood DID was not "for television" (bc i legitimately thought it was like, a fictional parody of schizophrenia) is because um. ?????. yeah. no youre right when things happen to me i should definitely accept that i can't tell what they are and listen to the people who tell me that i'm stupid and nobody has ever abused me and that i can't ever trust anything i remember. you guys definitely have my best interests at heart. my dad was innocent! it was all a sexual fantasy just like freud said! nice men would never do those things! like. ugh. i just hate it i hate that i doubted myself all my life and felt so miserable going through abuse alone and being gaslit and people are STILL FUCKING DOING THE GASLIGHTING!!!!! bc they dont like. know what actually happened during the satanic panic and think loftus was right. everyone who was involved in the false memory syndrome foundation should be shot.

like. i dont want to question myself anymore. i dont want my first thought whenever i have flashbacks or get upset to be "i'm making this up. if i remember something bad it was imaginary, because nobody can forget and remember something bad. it must be satanic panic pseudoscience, somehow." why do some people think they're doing a service to survivors when they trot this shit out. idk.

i know it happened. long after i began remembering stuff my mom has alluded to my dad doing the exact same things to her, having the exact same attitudes and patterns and everything, and i think the only reason i remember anything more violent than she reports is because he understood i was forgetting things and could get away with doing stuff to me that he couldn't with somebody who would remember it. like, everything i remember is horrible, but it makes complete sense and is totally possible and doesn't contradict anything about like...my parents or my life before i began remembering or just basic things like "can someone physically do this." like my dad wasnt an evil cult wizard he was just a normal thug and rapist. idk. i just really did not need to expose myself to this stuff and it's my fault i did but. ughhh

[faunabel]

bleh. vent. sorry.

man...... i don't usually compare myself to others but being around ppl who love historical hetalia and talk abt their in depth thoughts makes me feel so Inferior

like i'm just too stupid and silly and dumb to come up with anything like that and stick to simpler stuff

i know this stems entirely from being around Toxic historical hetalia fans in the past who'd shit on canon nonstop and made me rly hate myself for... u know. following canon.

i like to follow canon and try to combine it with history to make sense but i just ugh. i feel dumb. i feel incompetent and stop myself from even doing it to try and preemptively avoid being attacked

the fandom is smaller now which makes me even more anxious? because there r less people so i'm more likely to be found by Mean People and there r also less people who Get Me to try and find

anyway sorry i just needed to vent. i wish i was more comfortable in myself but i feel like i'm always using all my energy to not be targeted that i forget how to even exist. sometimes i really do. people ask me things and my brain goes blank. all i can think about is what do they want? what do they expect from me? how can i be what they want from me? i completely lose access to who i am and what i want because i don't feel safe wanting or needing or being a person. i just need to be a doll who submits to them so i don't get hurt.

i want to be one of those people who just shares their thoughts no matter how self indulgent but i feel so embarrassed. eugh. even with non-self indulgent things. liking things is embarrassing. exposing my thoughts is too vulnerable.

i'm slowly exposing myself to try and get more comfortable but i wish! i could just be comfortable now!!!!!! and not expend so much of my limited energy just sharing my thoughts. trauma processing takes too long.

ugh. oh the need to belong but the fear of being seen. people have just been so mean to me and i'm struggling to accept that it was in the past. not currently happening. but i don't want it to happen again :/ and on tumblr, unlike other social media, it's so easy to find old posts, so it just makes me uncomfortable that my posts won't Die In The Void u know? blahblah how my thought process works word vomit self contradiction as i figure out my words and so on

i just. hate being such an outlier in things. i wish i could be normal and like normal things and have friends who like the things i like. but i'm weird and nobody gets it and i'm sad. i hate being alone. i don't wanna be alone. i hope someday i can meet people who like the same things i like or are open to the idea. my silly fantasy is to live in a world where i'm just. normal. i actually see myself in others. and people are like me. i'm like them. no more floating aimlessly like a bird who fell from its nest.

i am holding out on hope but rn i wanna cry so i'm gonna go do that

gonna manifest away this avpd i swear........ it's ruining me. u ruined my child and teen years. i beg u. let me try to find happiness now. time goes on and i lose time and it scares me.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

Tw: cocsa

Seeking: advice

This is mainly a confession or maybe a vent. I think I was a perpetrator, i mean, I barely remember it. I was 4 maybe 6 at the oldest. I don't remember what happened before. I just desperately hope I didn't coerce them. I feel awful and disgusted with myself for it. I can't justify it and I don't want to because it was so horribly wrong of me. There was undeniably inappropriate touching and removal of clothes. I don't know why I did it. I mean I was little, i didn't know it was wrong at the time. The memory resurfaced years later and I've felt awful about it since. I don't know what possessed me to do such a thing. I was never a victim. Maybe it's possible i was exposed to explicit media and simply don't remember. I don't really know. It's driving me crazy. The guilt and shame and disgust are eating me alive. Just why, why did I do such a thing, I was completely ignorant to the subject of sex, how could such a thing have happened. I just feel awful on the daily. I don't know what to do. I mean I was unaware of what exactly I was doing until I was much older. I hope the other person is okay. Tehy never mentioned it, maybe they don't remember, I barely even remember it myself. I just hope I didn't do any damage. Which I guess is a stupid thing to say after I did something like that. I don't know what to do. I mean I take responsibility for my actions, I can't change it. I just dont know if I can forgive myself. I'm sorry if this is really unclear or unorganized.

-🕷🕸

Hi 🕷🕸,

Some guilt is appropriate here, but not to the level that you're feeling. While you still are responsible for your actions regardless of your age, there are a few things to consider. When you're a child, your prefrontal cortex is actively developing, which is the part of the brain responsible for rational decision making and judgment. So children inherently have an impaired ability to make good judgments and good decisions, and they cannot necessarily be blamed for that. You also mentioned that you didn't fully understand what you were doing, which would be an entirely different situation if you did know what you were doing and did it anyways.

The fact that you can recognize looking back that this was wrong, as well as the fact that you feel so guilty about it, suggests that you've grown a lot since and would not repeat this behavior, which is another reason to not be so hard on yourself. Additionally, the hard thing is that it's fairly possible that you did hurt this person, and it's understandable to find it hard to be okay with that. The best thing you can do to reconcile these things is to translate your feelings of guilt into working on yourself to ensure this doesn't happen again, or towards causes that matter to you. It's important to consider that while an apology may be appreciated, it's ultimately respectful to their mental health and healing journey to let them reach out to you first, if they even choose to do so.

If you can access or afford it, a mental health professional such as a therapist could help explore what may have led you to do these things in a safe and controlled setting, navigate your guilt, and guide you along your healing journey.

I hope I could help and we're here if you need anything.

-Bun

[aurelim]

🤣 me too 🤣 let me be honest with you I bought only 3 games and 2 are Fallen Hero 🤣. I love it. I'm not a fan of superheros, nor I dislike them, I'm pretty neutral about it, so I was really surprised to how much I liked it. Maybe I'm a bit biased because as i said it's the first if story I've read, and because it was a kind of rough time for me so I resonated with the really rough time of MC? 🤣🤣 Anyway I LOVE the fact that MC is the villain of the story, you even get to choose how much villain MC is (cool anti-hero? Ofc, Mass murderer? Yep, Mob boss? You get your own crew) AND if you are good enough you get to play the entire games without being exposed, basically you can be a really badass villain without being punished for it, there is the possibility to even bring the city's heroes to the dark side. Plus as I said the ROs...they are so beautifully complicated and each of them has their own story and believes. I'm romancing Ortega (I'm so weak for characters like them) in all the combinations possibles, past flirt, bbf with a secret crush, former bbf, etc. In past flirt and bbf with secret crush, they were already in love with MC in the past but partially for fear, partially for stupidity (?) they never confessed, and then the plot happens and well lets say that after 7 years in which they completely lost contact with MC they are still very much in love. I can't say much more for fear of spoilering too much but their route is intense and full of abandonement issues (🤣), and secrets on both ends (Ortega was and is a hero, MC was their sidekick or affiliate hero or affiliate vigilante and now is a Villain). Also I'm going for the V poly Ortega-MC-Herald and waiting for the others villains ROs that there will be in the new book. Herald is another hero working with Ortega. Is the sunshine type, with an Idol/hero-crush on MC from their past hero's days, very perceptive, still naive but very much not stupid, and well, he gets a very hot moment in which he switches from sweet ball of sunshine, to assertive MC's protector. This ask is already very long so now I'll shut up 🤣

Oh hey wait, are you the same Anon who mentioned that Fallen Hero was their first game? You have to be LOL

You know, I had no idea what Fallen Hero was about and I have no idea why I didn't think about the plot may be, I don't know, related to the title itself. You learn something new every day I guess!

Knowing me, I would probably go for Ortega and the bbf with a secret crush because I love setting myself up HAHA--

And I love sunshine ROs!! I play Tears of Themis, which technically is not a IF, but I love Luke Pearce! He's just...the best. And he has those moments where he goes from warm to cold in mere seconds. Those moments are always hot like...ugh, it's so good--

Anyways, I think if I played the game I'd genuinely do the v-poly! Thanks for telling me about the ROs :)

[refriedrambles]

You ever read a bit fic and are just baffled by how well the authors carve out and characterize characters

Like how do you get that solid of a view? How do you manage to write in their voice especially in the 3rd person? How does one make something important to a character? Truly give them motivation and personality and really fucking sell it?

Like even with characters I think I understand I can't do that even slightly and I don't understand how to start. Like I know Zim pretty well as a character I think, but I don't understand. I really don't. I have all the pieces in front of me and I know what they are but I just can't put them together! And like that doesn't really cover it. I get how it goes together but I don't get how it works. This little green guy fkdjfnndmdn

I know I don't get it because some part of my brain wants to excuse his actions. Write them off almost completely, say he did nothing wrong, shift the blame to someone else, but that's bullshit! He's a bad person, vicious, selfish and petty and does just really stupid shit cause he gets too excited or anxious to think things through. He wears a mask so thick that it's merged with his flesh and if it were to break all he'd be left with is a goopy mess of meat and sinew and lingering shards unable to recognize what he is and isn't. He wants to be seen, heard, adored and is far too paranoid and suspicious to ever accept the things he wants, unless it's given by The Tallest. And even then he questions it and really he should be, but even the expectations aren't spared that paranoia completely. He's so completely utterly brilliant and pathetic.

Dude I need to just binge the show. All the episodes in like a single night and fucking chew dude. I wanna crack him open like an egg and just figure it all out

Anyway, circling back from that tangent, haven't actually seen the hotel show but have been reading fics. Cause my love for fics often out weights my desire and effort to find the source material. Thoroughly spoiled myself on everything in this particular show tho. Back to the fic, Valentino was written so compellingly in this fic it's crazy my guy. Like all the characters are, but he was a standout. Great villain, great pov. Overall blown away. He's horrendous, he's just almost sympathetic, he's cruel and heartless at times, but conflicted and guilty at other and I love how fucking terrified he is of Alaster despite repeatedly goating Vox into taking him out. Fuck he offers to help despite the fear. The gear shift from raging idiot cunt to oh fuck oh fuck oh fuck I need to think of a way out of this is fantastic. Like when he's under actual pressure the fog clears and his fight or flight is think and he fucking does! And suddenly he's charming like really really charming. Like he's the most human thing down there. And it suddenly makes sense why so many people would sign away their souls to him if they didn't know any better. It's some crazy shit

Been getting blown away by a lot of stuff lately actually. Could be just exposing myself to new stuff again. Could be my mental health improving. I mean the latter's almost certainly part of it

I suppose my bar for good also might be kinda low too. Like I might have skewed my sense of great fiction because I'm a grubbly trash panda that gobbles up every bit of rom fantasy or action fantasy manhwa/ga I can get my paws on. If that it I'm cool with it. Like being blown out of the park so often is honestly fantastic

But I do have an inkling that the shit I've been coming across is just like super good quality shit too. Like I'm pretty sure Dungeon Meshi is an objectively good show

I've just been going off lol

[1001pagesofsummerreading]

Here and Away I've been hearing that the world is ending. I've heard it so much these days that I can either completely ignore it or never leave my house again. That is, if I actually left my house for things that don't directly enable me to keep my house. See, I've been thinking about driving nowhere. I've been thinking about becoming a box inside a locked room inside a dark house at the dark end of the street. I wanna go away until I'm gone. It takes so much less energy to not exist than it does to exist and get burned. I've been burned so much I'm not me anymore. I'm a stupid puppet version of me. I've got strings that lead nowhere. Nothing is pulling on me. I wish someone would drag my hand out of hiding and sign my name on the dotted line. There are days when I cannot find the sun even though it's right outside my goddam window, when getting out of bed feels like the key in the doomsday machine, so on those days, this is what I tell myself: whatever you are feeling right now, there is a mathematical certainty that someone is feeling that exact thing. This is not to say you aren't special. This is to say that god you aren't special. I too have kissed no one goodnight. I have launched myself off tall places and hoped no one would catch me. I have ended relationships because suddenly I was also exposed. But isolation is not safety, it is death. If no one knows you're alive, you aren't. If a tree falls in the forest and no one's around to hear it, it does make a sound, but then that sound is gone. I am not saying you will find the meaning of life in other people. I am saying that other people are the life to which you provide the meaning. See, we are wrong when we say I think, therefore I am. The more we say it, the more it sounds like "I think, therefore I will be." You cannot think yourself into a full table. You cannot think and make walls and a roof appear around you. I have thought and thought myself into corners made of words, nightmares, and what has it gotten me but more thoughts, a currency that only buys more currency. So please, if you want to continue existing, do something. Learn to make clouds with only your breath. Build a house, even if every wall leans to the left. Love it anyway, just like a season. Just like a child. Love how you hate yourself sometimes, because goddamn, at least there's still something to hate. It's so easy to think and keep thinking until you are the last person left on earth. Until the entire world is no larger than the space between your bed and the light switch, but I hear the world is ending soon. When we go, and we're all going to go, I will be part of it.

-- Neil Hilborn, Our Numbered Days

Somehow, different poems stand out to me each time I read this book.

[ackermental]

Hi! Hi! I hope you’ve been having a beautiful day or evening so far! How are you? :D I saw this post this morning, and I love how you dissect and go into detail with different accounts of stories or opinions and I was genuinely wondering, is it true that Daemon cheats on Rhaenyra with a mistress? Or was that another false claim from Mushroom/The Maester? Also there is that dreaded claim that Daemon is only after the throne and not after Rhaenyra’s heart! I wanted to know your honest take on this, I love open discussion a ton and it gives me further knowledge and insight truly! :D (Ps LOL am I a sick fuck for actually smiling about the Mysaria comment towards Daemon about Rhaenyra? I’m sorry, but Daemyra could cause me to go bankrupt, I’m absolutely addicted to them, I simply CANNOT. 🧎‍♀️🧎‍♀️🐉🐉 anyways! Thank you for taking the time to read all this if you find time, I appreciate it as always! :)) DAEMYRA FOR THE WINNNNN MFSSSS 🔥🔥🔥!!!

Please, don't feel like I'm dismissing you, but I've already answered the question about the ridiculous claim that Daemon didn't love Rhaenyra and only used her to get the throne in this post and I don't feel like repeating myself all over again.

And that post you sent me only proofs that people don't understand the Rogue Prince and the Princess and the Queen at all. My god, only a complete moron can write something like that, exposing their own stupidity for the whole world to see.

Maesters were the ones who used young girls for their own gain. They were the ones who told Viserys it would be perfectly fine to rape Aemma when she was eleven. They were the ones killing women and unborn children left and right. Oldtown Triad has so much blood on their hands, they are the ultimate creeps in this story, they are the ones who should make your skin crawl.

Here you have my take on F&B being a crooked mirror of historical sources in our own world.

How can you read those books and don't notice that Oldtown with it's Citadel, Sept and Hightowers is a reference to Vatican, only worse? Worse because in ASOIAF they are going to the Sept during the day, preaching to other people of Westeros about how they should live their lives while being assholes themselves, and then at night they go back to play with their creepy, dark magic. I shit you not, they are like some frickin’ Illuminati of the Seven Kingdoms. Like, Jesus, did any of those idiots even do some reasearch on Hightowers? Those fuckers are fanatic zealots!

And they are responsible for writing Westeros' history! They are the ones who control all letters aka communication system in that world.

When you hear the word 'maester' you're not supposed to think about some poor, educated fellows who were suffering under their masters' ignorance. You are supposed to think about priests, who were keeping all of the ancient knowledge to themselves, whispering lies to their lords, poisoning their minds and their bodies, while trying to control them.

I've never seen a 'history book' as biased as Gyldayn's. This man is contradicting himself not even every second page, but sometimes every second sentance. Maesters murdered Aemma and Laena in cold blood, at the least. You want to be a defender of women, take it out on some creeps grooming children or old men causing trauma for little girls? Oldtown Triad is right there for you.

And they hated the Blacks with a burning passion.

So you know what? I'm standing over there in the corner with those Black guys.

Here is me ranting to poor @ladyalianora about maesters being suss.

//Not to mention: this whole grooming shit? The brothel visits? Daemon teaching Rhaenyra how to suck dicks? Daemon having a lover? Even Gyldayn doesn't have the audacity to say those rumors are true.

Makes you wonder why did he put Mushroom's nonsense in his 'academic' work at all, doesn't it? (Not that the other sources, them being a septon and yet another maester, are any better). And the real reason he did it, was so the people would come to the same, idiotic conclusions as the person who wrote that post above.

It's insane, isn't it, how easy it is to manipulate history, if you only use the right tools. It's almost like GRRM was trying to make a point with F&B other than telling a story about 'huehue, incest, dragons, big fight'.

So what am I saying? That some of those things didn't even happen in the first place?

Yeah, that's exactly what I'm trying to say.

It's almost like Daemon and Rhaenyra could've become close, fall in love even, after his return, without him teaching her how to fuck dwarfs 🤔🙄😯. It's almost like Hightowers accused him of grooming the Princess of Dragonstone in order to get rid of him for a second time 😮. By lying. You know? Just like they did it all those years before, by providing false witnesses and lying 😱😵. Or they simply had an affair and some Hightower spy told the King everything. Mind-blowing stuff, huh?

By this point I know I'm like a broken record BUT IF YOU CHOOSE TO BELIEVE THAT DAEMON HAD ROMANCE WITH NETTLES, THEN I CHOOSE TO BELIEVE ALICENT WAS RIDING JAEHAERYS' DICK. IT'S THE SAME FUCKING SOURCE!

Two more asks about this, and I swear to god, I'll put those words above my bed.

[waheelawhisperer]

I've found the best RWBY fans to interact with are the ones who like the show but still acknowledge its flaws.

Like, so much of the FNDM seems to have this "All or Nothing" mentality where you either unconditionally love and praise everything Rooster Teeth does or base your entire personality around hating everything Rooster Teeth has so much as breathed on, and honestly both extremes are horribly unhealthy.

I mostly agree with this, though I feel like it's worth pointing out that a lot of the "unconditional love" fans are really just fed up with the years' worth of negativity on the part of people who make hating the show their entire identity. I think it stems from the YouTubers, to be honest. For a lot of them, producing content is an actual job. While I don't personally care for that content and have no interest in watching any RWBY YouTuber, I can't dunk on any of them too hard because they actually get paid to do this and I'm well aware that there's a certain price for which my personal integrity is for sale: if it meant I would never have to sacrifice my physical and mental health working 40-60 hours a week ever again, if it meant I'd have time for myself and the people I care about, if it meant I could devote myself to the things I love or use my hypothetical wealth to make the world around me better... yeah, I'd absolutely base my brand around hating a show and appealing to shitheads, as long as I'm not expected to start shoving people down the alt-right pipeline. I like to think there's somewhere I'd draw the line, that there are things I wouldn't do for money, but the thought of not being fucking miserable and in physical pain at almost all times is really tempting.

Anyway, the point is that for at least some of these people, hating on RWBY is an actual job, as stupid as it sounds. It puts food on the table, which means they have a vested interest in building their brand, which means promoting their content and getting it exposure, which in turn means that avoiding negativity can take actual effort and isn't always as simple as just blocking people you don't like if you want to participate in fandom spaces that aren't total echo chambers. I don't know how blocking works on reddit because I mostly use my reddit account to look at pictures of breasts, but what I do know is that even going to the main RWBY subreddit to do something like read the reaction thread to a new Ice Queendom episode runs a not-insignificant risk of at least passively exposing me to the newest stupid take to escape quarantine in r/rwbycritics. As a result, there's a subset of the audience that feeds itself by whipping up negativity, by targeting emotional responses, that can be pretty hard to escape. I don't blame people who just don't want to deal with it anymore for responding defensively, though I'll concede that it can make having nuanced discussion... difficult.

This is not to say that everyone who is critical of RWBY is exactly the same. What most people think of when they talk about the critical side of the community contains people with anything from the relatively uncontroversial belief that the Battle of Haven was poorly choreographed or that some of the early voice acting wasn't very good to people with spicy hot takes like "Team RWBY are the real villains" and "Blake abused Adam and ruined his life". I guess I'm technically a critic, given that I post about things I like about RWBY, things I dislike, things I think worked well and things I think didn't, and then try to support and explain my views, but I don't really like thinking of myself that way because I don't want to be lumped in with the more extreme elements of either RWDE or rwbycritics. It's why I use the "analysis" tag instead of "rwde" (well, that and I think using "rwde" inherently sets a more hostile tone than I'm going for in a lot of cases).

I do think it's funny that RWDE and rwbycritics frequently come at the show from completely opposite directions (think "I'm worried that Rooster Teeth is using Bumbleby to string queer viewers along with the promise of representation without ever delivering on it" vs. "Rooster Teeth defiled Monty's memory* by making his action show political (read: gay)" and think the possibility for friendly fire between the two is hilarious. My solution is simple:

So yeah, the critics ("critics") definitely annoy me more than the people who are just relentlessly positive (though this may be because I've never personally experienced the harassment that each group supposedly directs at the other) given that most of the people who like the show at least engage with the text in good faith, while certain critics... do not. There are definitely a couple RWDE blogs that I think are reasonable, and even r/rwbycritics will inadvertently generate something resembling a coherent thought every once in a while, but I don't particularly care to engage with that community beyond browsing it once in a while out of curiosity because the good isn't worth wading through the garbage. RWDE is better in the sense that content is associated with specific blogs rather than threads posted to a subreddit, meaning that if someone posts nothing but stupid takes you don't want to interact with, you can just block them.

As for Rooster Teeth the company, I'm not an expert on its history by any means, but I know they've had issues with crunch in the past, I'm aware of the drama after Monty's death, and I know their brand was built on dudebro humor, so like... I'm sure there's been plenty to criticize in the past and is still plenty to criticize now, but I don't really care about Rooster Teeth beyond the fact that it produces RWBY and don't watch any of the studio's non-RWBY-related content. There's really not much I can give anyone here. Other people are a lot more invested in the company one way or another than I am.

*I really hate the "Monty's vision" argument. Nothing proves a point like dragging a dead man's name into your argument so you can pretend you knew what he wanted better than the people who actually knew and worked with him. Just utterly classless.

[mothandpidgeon]

Extra Credit (Professor!Dave York AU)

MASTERLIST

Pairing: Professor!Dave York x F Reader

Words: 2865

Rating: VERY E 18+!

Warnings: student/teacher quid pro quo (safe to say this falls under DUB CON so please be careful!!!), spanking, humiliation/degradation, oral sex, orgasm denial, spitting, pussy slapping, biting/marking, p in v sex, Dave York

Summary: With graduation on the horizon, you just have to pass Professor Dave York’s class. But a bad choice on the final assignment leaves your grades in jeopardy. But he’s willing to give you extra credit if you can follow instructions.

a/n: First off, PLEASE MAKE SURE YOU MIND THE WARNINGS. I did not see myself sharing this kind of stuff but I guess I'm freaky like that.

Second, I’m sorry this has the plot of a bad p*rno but sometimes it be like that. Thanks @pascalslittlebrat, @starlightmornings and @mouthymandalorian for encouraging this. It is filth. And thank you P for the gorgeous moodboard!!!!

Also, here is my assignment for the class. What subject do you think Professor York teaches? I was thinking Political Science. Would love to hear your ideas.

It was hot in the lecture hall, one of those early spring days when the weather decided winter was officially over. You had only a few more weeks until graduation and you were white knuckling to the end.

It had been a tough semester. You had your classes to deal with and your motivation was dipping. It wasn’t entirely your fault. You’d had to take on a full time job on top of your studies. Your shitty little car always seemed to be in the shop and your roommate had turned into a psychopath so you slept with one eye open.

Professor York’s class was the hardest you’d ever taken. You liked his style, his dry sense of humor as he lectured. But he was difficult to please. Most professors let their TAs do their the grading but not him. No matter how hard you worked on your papers, you couldn’t wrestle anything higher than a B- from Professor York.

The TA was handing back your papers, the last assignment for the semester, and he placed yours face down in front of you. There was no grade on it just red pen that spelled out see me after class in tight, neat handwriting. Fuck.

You looked up to see Professor York glowering at you from his spot at the front of the hall. You approached him as the other students filed out. You wished you could share their relief that this class was finally done but you had a knot in your stomach.

“Have a seat,” he said, taking the paper from you and tapping it in his palm.

There was a chair next to the professor’s desk and you sat down putting your bag beside you.

“Thanks, Tyler,” he said, dismissing the TA.

When the lecture hall was empty, Professor York sat behind the desk, eyes skimming your paper.

“I wanted to talk to you about this,” he said.

You nodded, too nervous to try speaking.

“This is some great work. This is the kind of essay that really sticks with you after you read it,” he said. His brown eyes were warm and soft and he sat forward in his chair.

You were dumbfounded, your anxiety quickly washing away.

“That’s probably how I know I already read this,” he said, his features suddenly darkening.

Your stomach plummeted into your feet. You were such an ass, thinking you could get away with it.

“I don’t tolerate plagiarism,” he told you.

With everything that had been going on this semester, you didn’t have it in you to complete this final assignment. It wasn’t like you were going to get a good grade anyway. You’d been so exhausted, you hardly cared if you got caught when you’d handed it in. But now that you had to face Professor York, you were kicking yourself.

“I find it highly disrespectful that you would try and pass this off as your work. You know you can be expelled for this?” he asked.

“I’m sorry,” you choked out. “I’ve just had so much work to do-“

“I’m not interested in excuses,” he snapped.

You shut your mouth and felt tears bite at your eyes.

“Are you going to cry?” he asked in disgust. “That’s not going to work on me.”

“Professor, if I fail this class I’m not going to graduate. Please. I’ll do anything to just pass,” you said.

“Anything?”

“Anything,” you said. The word sounded so definitive when it left your lips.

Professor York leaned back in his chair, swiping his finger across his lower lip in thought.

“I can give you extra credit but you have to do exactly what I tell you,” he said.

You were so relieved, you nodded breathlessly.

His lips curled into a smile.

“What color panties are you wearing?” He asked.

Your cheeks set on fire but heat also pooled between your legs. “I- what?” You managed.

“Show them to me,” he commanded.

Your whole body flushed and you stared at him, wide eyed. You had to be dreaming. You’d always found Professor York sexy with that grin and his deep voice but he wouldn’t- this wasn’t happening.

“Do you want extra credit or do you want me to give this paper to your advisor?” He asked, his tone suddenly harsh.

You swallowed hard. Why did his words send a shiver down your spine? You picked up the hem of your skirt and lifted it so Professor York could see between your legs. You looked away, blushing deeply.

He made a guttural noise that made you drop your skirt and clench your thighs together.

“Give them to me,” he said.

Your mouth hung open. He looked completely serious, blinking at you slowly as if this was a casual request. You bit down hard on your lip but finally you relented.

You squirmed out of your panties, being careful that you didn’t give him a show in the process, and placed them in his large, outstretched hand.

He put them to his nose, inhaled, and then squirreled them away in his back pocket, all the while watching you with amusement.

“Stand up. Put your hands on the desk,” he said.

You couldn’t move, sitting there with a gaping mouth. Finally he narrowed his eyes and you did as he said. You put your palms against the table top, aware of the vulnerable way you were leaned over. His eyes moved over your form and he wore the same self-satisfied expression that came when a student asked a stupid question.

Once he was finished admiring your obedience, he stood up and walked behind you. Your heart was pumping wildly as he stepped closer and you could smell his cologne, leather and tobacco.

“I‘ll pass you but I don’t want you thinking you’re getting off easy,” he said.

“Thank you,” you said.

He chuckled and your breath caught. You felt him lift your skirt up, the fabric skimming over your bare ass, and you gasped. He didn’t touch you but he made a noise of approval that shot through you.

“I’m going to hit you five times,” he said into your ear. “You tell me if it’s too much.”

You nodded without even knowing you were doing it. What the fuck was happening? You were standing in the empty lecture hall, bent over, ass out, and desperate to graduate. You couldn’t believe Professor York’s audacity and yet you were going to let him spank you like you were a little girl. It wasn’t like you had a choice, you told yourself.

Before you could make sense of it, his hand connected with you and you let out a grunt. Were you getting wet? You definitely should not be enjoying this.

He hit you again and this time a moan escaped from you. You clamped your hand over your mouth.

“Hands on the desk,” he commanded.

You put it back down and another strike came against you. The sound of his punishment seemed to be echoing off the walls of the empty room.

He pulled your hips into him to steady you as he went on. You loved the feeling of his arm wrapped around your middle, holding you firm.

When he was finished, you were nearly shaking, your pulse quick and your lips parted. You were still reeling not least of all due to the fact that you wanted more.

“Good girl,” Professor York purred smoothing his hand over the spot he’d turned red. His fingers dipped between your legs to feel the slick on your lips. “You’re not going to learn your lesson if you’re enjoying this.”

He came up right behind you so he could wrap his hand around your front and stroke at you. You were thankful your palms were braced against the desk because your knees nearly gave out.

“Professor,” you tried.

“Did I say you could speak?” he asked, a hand gripping your hair.

“What if someone comes in?” Your voice shook.

“Then you’ll have to tell them why you’re failing my class,” he said and continued to play his fingers between your legs.

You whimpered. You could feel his hard length through his pants pressed into the tender flesh of your ass. Your head spun. You knew how fucked up this was but you didn’t want it to end. Professor York’s fingers circled you expertly and you felt like you were melting in his hands. You forgot everything— the circumstances that lead you to this moment, that this was your teacher, that you were exposed in public. Nothing existed except for your pleasure building and building.

As the sensation mounted in you, you began to buck against his hand.

“Are you close?” he asked.

“Yes,” you moaned.

“Good,” he replied and suddenly, his hand was gone.

You cried out in desperation. You clenched at nothing, left at the precipice with no relief. You were throbbing almost painfully. Professor York caught your chin in one of his hands, squeezing your face and wrenching your head around to look at him.

“Do you deserve to cum?” he asked.

You thought you might actually cry between your need for his touch and the fear his voice instilled in you.

“Answer me,” he demanded.

You shook your head.

“No,” he confirmed.

He loosened his grip on you and, for the briefest moment that softness returned to his eyes. You looked at him, eyes glassy and practically drooling, wishing he would touch you again.

“Needy girl,” he chided. “On your knees.”

He pulled you to your feet by the back of your skirt and you got down, bare knees and shins on the tile floor. You gazed up at him, still a little nervous, still pulsing between your thighs.

Professor York undid a few of the buttons of your shirt and skimmed his knuckle across your breast with a hum.

“Maybe I should take this too. Matching set,” he said. He snapped your bra strap which made you jump. “Off.”

He palmed the bulge in his pants as he watched you remove your shirt and unhook your bra. He squeezed one of your tits and pinched your pebbled nipple until you flinched.

“You want to pass?” he asked you, repeating the motion on the other side.

You nodded and he arched an eyebrow.

“Yes,” you said.

“You want to please me?” Now his hand ran gently along your jawline.

“Yes,” you breathed. You’d been trying all this time, studying hard, staying up all night to perfect your papers. Now you had a new goal in mind though you were afraid it was just as unattainable.

“Open your mouth,” he instructed and when you did he spit into it. “Don’t swallow that.”

You stayed like that, with your mouth open as he released himself from his pants. There was a dark patch on his boxer briefs stained by precum. You watched him wildly as he pulled at himself and a glistening bead appeared at his tip. Saliva, yours or his, was dribbling out of the corners of your mouth, dripping on your hard nipples.

“Don’t you look pretty. I hope you can suck cock better than you write papers,” he mocked.

For some reason this was what made your eyes pop. You asked yourself if you were really going to suck off your professor for a good grade. As if you hadn’t just handed him your panties. As if you hadn’t just let him smack your ass. As if your thighs weren’t drenched with your own slick.

He approached you, still stroking himself and you were jealous. You wanted that friction on yourself, were dying for more.

You didn’t have to be told what to do. You wrapped your wet lips around his thick length and your tongue swirled around him.

“Eyes on me,” he demanded.

You looked up at him, and grasped his shaft in your hand as you sunk your mouth around him as far as you could go. Your saliva dripped down his cock pooling in your fist.

“Fuck,” he said.

That word excited you. You kept going, watching him try to keep his eyes open as you surrounded him. The noise of your lips on him was almost disgusting, wet and squelching, and yet it was driving you insane. You clenched your core for some kind of relief that wouldn’t come.

He thrust deeper into your mouth and you tried to take him in but gagged. You pulled away, his cock bouncing out of your mouth and you coughed.

“Good girl,” he said. “Look at you trying to earn that extra credit.”

Tears stung in your eyes as you tried to recover.

“You still want to cum?” he asked, one hand pumping himself slowly.

You nodded timidly. More than anything in the fucking world. But you didn’t want to seem too eager, aware that he was ready at any moment to rescind the offer.

“Sit on the desk,” he said and you did. “Greedy little brat.”

Professor York slid your skirt up your thighs and that sensation alone felt erotic. He inserted two fingers into your mouth and you sucked them hungrily while he grinned.

He slid them across your folds and you were already so sensitive your back arched. He surprised you by getting down on his knees, opening your legs and throwing your thighs over his shoulders. You leaned back on your hands, laid out across the desk, fully on display.

You heard a noise in the hallway and gasped, your head snapping towards the door. But your attention was immediately drawn back to Professor York when you felt him smack you between the legs.

“Do you want to cum or not?”

“Please,” you begged.

He gave you a dark smile and then began nipping at the inside of your thighs. When he got closer to your center, he bit and sucked hard. You let out a breath, a mix of pleasure and pain.

“When you think about this later, I want you to touch yourself and look at this,” he said, swiping the pad of his thumb over the welt he’d just left there.

You let out a shuddering breath and he began to nibble at your clit between his lips. When your hand automatically shot into his hair, he grabbed you by the wrist and removed it, holding your palm against the desk. His tongue lavished you, churning you into a frenzy, and it didn’t take long before you were back where you’d been before. You were panting and grinding your hips into him.

This time he let you hit your high and you trembled and thrashed as he worked at you. It felt like you’d been wiped out by a wave, not being able to sense up from down. You were mewling and shaking when you finally begged him to stop, overwhelmed and cloyed.

He stood and wiped you from his chin and then said, “I’m going to fuck you now.”

You nodded frantically. He pushed into you and you were sure he could feel you still fluttering around him. You were wetter than you could ever remember but still he was difficult for you to take and you inhaled sharply. He didn’t seem to care, snapping his hips into you and grunting, one hand balling your skirt in his fist against you. Soon, though, you were lost in the sensation of his thrusts.

You didn’t even realize that you were whining loudly as he fucked you, your head thrown back in ecstasy. Professor York took your panties from his pocket and shoved them in your mouth to stifle your cries.

“You’re going to have to quiet down,” he rasped.

You whimpered against the fabric in your mouth and he smiled wickedly. He put his hand around the back of your neck to draw you in closer and he pressed into you faster and faster. He pulled out and you heard your own muffled moan at the loss of him. He worked at himself, spilling over your thigh and on your skirt with a groan.

Both of you took a moment to catch your breath and you watched as the professor leaned over you on his hands, swallowed, and then stood up, as composed as ever. He laughed quietly to himself as he took the panties out of your mouth and smoothed his hair.

“Put your clothes on. I have another class to get to,” he said, handing you a handkerchief and zipping himself up. He slid your panties back in his pocket.

You felt shaky on your feet after you’d mopped up his spend. You got dressed wondering how you were going to get through the rest of the day commando, with a ruined skirt, and the remnants of your professor’s cum drying onto your skin. He didn’t say anything else. You hooked your bag over your shoulder and Professor York looked you up and down one last time. He handed you back your essay. It was soaked through down the middle and you realized you’d been sitting on it on the desk. At the top was a new note in red pen: see me after graduation and his phone number.

You got an A.

-----

tagging some folks: @pascalslittlebrat @mouthymandalorian @starlightmornings @purplepascal042 @originallaura @cheekygeek05 @fangirl-316 @fairytale07 @tuskens-mando @rosiefridayrogersunday @a-skov @skulliebythesea @oceanablue @rebel-soldat @goddessinwolfskin @stevie75 @yespolkadotkitty @danniburgh @221bshrlocked

[garblegox]

• Humpty Dumpty Elegy 8 | five books on 🦊POWER🦔 •

When I was an eleven year old boy, a very wise squirrel said something I never forgot:

Insecurity is the one thing that never goes out of style. And I am proudly outdated

He's a good lord and master, that Foamy the Squirrel. Taught me an embarrassingly large number of good ideas. Embarrassing, mostly because it exposes my obvious fatherlessness.

But hey, I'm a man of many dads. I got OG Gaydad (plus a step-Gaydadmother + their fuccboi), Realdad the Deaddad, Stepdad the Notyetdeaddad, Trinidad Deaddad, Partially-lobotomized Mohawkdad, new Trinidad dad (alive), plus Doug Stanhope, Aesop Rock, and everyone's LORD AND MASTER Foamy (My mom hasn't banged the last three, yet). A real Papa Johns Buffet.

My mom's got a nice book for you, it's called, "The Ethical Slut" by Dossie Easton. Sounds cool. Wasn't cool hearing her and my Grandma discuss it at the dinner table. Yuck.

So what are we in for today? What's the topic du mois?

POWER

I knew this was coming, and even though Humpty's not actually reading any of this, I wanted to make sure I put books on being a solid person, before I recommend books on being a powerful one.

Readers definitely care more about power and influence, than ethics and morality, or god forbid, narcissism. Which I completely understand; who the fuck am I, anyway? But I'm playing with fire here, giving a wannabe serial/spree killer/rapist books on power.

But now, with all the medicinal shit out of the way, time for the delicious stuff. Topics that are way more fun, like psychedelics, stupidity, "monkey brains", the soul, etc. Should be mostly free of moralizing from now on.

Fuck it, say the rock can't hide you, the river's bleedin', and the sea's boilin'. Sinnerman, you're going to need power. Pa-ha-ha-hawah!

• #1 The Tipping Point by Malcolm Gladwell •

Lets start off small. I say Humpty's something, if only an empty shell with room to fill. Humpty says he's nothing... period.

Pick something you find insignificant, and he'll diminish himself beyond that. A mote of dust? Too big. An atom? My, that's generous. Sub-atomic particle? Close, but still too energetic to be his match.

The self-hate is so cartoonish you have to wonder if he's just putting on a show. Even Wednesday, with his actual life of pain, at least sees the fact that he survived it all as some measure of greatness. But Humpty? Well we all know how he works at this point. It's a short script.

So lets humor him. He's itty fuckin bitty. Who cares? Who isn't? We're all ants, hoping a good hill will emerge from us. Thing is, hills don't emerge from one ant; ants are pretty pathetic specimens all alone. But as a group, they can eat an elephant, brain first, and elephants know it.

This book is like Atomic Habits, for hills and hives. No person of influence or significance ever made it to our awareness alone. They came crowdsurfing in on a swarm of apes, tossed about like a beloved beachball.

It's easy to get misled into thinking there's only one correct role to play in society, and that you just ain't it. Maybe you find that the most legendary people are the ones who can convince people of anything, or have a vast library of info in their head, or an expansive network of powerful acquaintances. Maybe you're daunted by the idea that you have to be all three at once to accomplish your dreams.

Pick the one that comes to you most naturally, nurture that side, then search for the other two, and befriend them. Geniuses occupy multiple categories. But hey, fuck being a genius, don't be a narcissist, move on. We is what we is. Intelligence has diminishing returns, and the vast majority of an individual's intelligence is stored in their peers, not their brains.

Malcolm calls these three "Salesmen, Mavens, and Connectors"

I used to get down on myself, for spending so much of my free time alone, hammering useless factoids into my head. It seems I prefer reading about humans over interacting with them. Meanwhile people like Wednesday and my brother hunger for new connections 10x harder than I do. I just siphon friends from them.

However, as much as I envy their drive to connect, they envy my ability to be comfortable alone, and the knowledge I've independently accumulated over the years. They've both referred to me as a major resource for information, that's given them an edge in their own life.

After reading this book, I finally recognized that I'm fine as-is, and so are they. In fact I've always had a pretty good thing going, despite my reclusiveness. I'm a maven, they're connectors. The only thing we're missing, is a salesman and a mission. Then we can finally start that cult we've been dreaming about. wat?

Now, Malcolm focusses on how these three combine to make HUGE things happen, and gives the slight impression that they're rare people. But that's not true. The scale doesn't matter, whether you're looking to put together the next Amazon, or just make a fond name for yourself in a little pissbunk town of eighty people. Humans all generally fall into these categories. If you're wondering what your calling is, it's good to start by asking yourself whether you're a connector, a maven, or a salesperson.

Greatness is not a highway with just one fast lane. It's a heavy ass carriage that needs three horses at a time. Figure out what kind you are, find the papers and scissors to your rock, harness up, and get pulling.

[p.s. Malcolm infamously promotes the "broken windows policy" in this, which has been debunked. Big cringe. But it plays a very small role in making his overall point. Don't let it distract you too much.]

• #2 The Square And The Tower by Niall Fergusson •

What does power mean to you? When do you feel that taint-tingling, goose-bumping, buckle-swashing feeling that you are in the presence of something truly powerful?

Me, I'm less spooked by kings and their coterie. Likely a form of stupidity on my part. But I always see hierarchs as the middle of the hierarchy. Because above, below, behind, and beyeet them, lie networks and conspiracies. It's networks that chill my bones. Like the neat little gang of psychics I spotted in New Orleans.

I've seen the power of them my whole life. My mother is a member of the largest conspiracy in the Great Lakes/New England region: Barbershop singers. She's got connections from Salem to Sault St. Marie. She even sang with one of my principals as a Sweet Adeline which got me way more mercy than my misbehaving ass ever deserved. One of her other friends even got me a job working at Camp Rock (aka Camp Kilcoo) for a summer, living in a cabin next to a lake, making bacon and eggs for some delightful little punkass kids. That place taught me to shake hands like a man.

I exaggerate, but really, a mere barbershop network is like hammerspace for human potential. Reach in, pull something out for free. Even weirder, my mom's known by hundreds of people by a single letter. I can say "You know X?" And people go "Oooooh! So YOU are X's son!!"

If you want to keep an eye on power, you have to know what you're looking at. Now, it's a mistake to put hierarchies and networks on a continuum of opposites. Power can coagulate, or it can dissolve. Any Satanists out there?

Networks can act as hierarchies, and hierarchies can network. The best analogy is in the name: Hierarchies are vertical like towers, networks are horizontal like the market square beneath them. Some shit is a bit diagonal.

Historians are absolutely terrible at piecing together networks throughout history, because they leave measly paper trails. Either they're non-existent, or so vast and full of noisy data as to be encrypted to history.

Niall first does a great job of drawing clear lines between how hierarchies and networks operate. Then for the rest of the book, he gives a variety of examples of both, throughout history.

I didn't realize till I reread these books, but this one pairs perfectly with The Tipping Point. Niall discusses network nodes, and the importance of a node's "centrality". It all becomes extremely familiar when he gets into the three different kinds of centrality:

"Degree centrality" = The number of edges radiating out of a node. Like how many doors a room has. A room with many doors has high degree centrality. With humans, it's a measure of sociability. Or as Gladwell might put it, the node is a "connector"

"Betweenness centrality" = The extent to which info and influence passes through a node. It could be a room with few doors, but those few doors are where huge amounts of traffic and data flows through. Not a high quantity of doors, but a high quality. These are the "maven" nodes.

"Closeness centrality" = The number of steps it takes for one node to reach another. The Kevin-Baconiness of a node. The fewer the average steps from one node to all others in the network, the higher the closeness centrality.

For anyone who has read You Are Not So Smart and were left wanting to learn more about Dunbar's Number, these first two books both cover the concept pretty well.

I could go on, this is a very dense book, packed with cool information. How do poor people and rich people network? What are the "7 great insights of network theory"? What makes weak ties so strong? How come the rich get richer? Davos Man? Illuminati? Technology? Jungle warfare? Would the world be better without hierarchy? When is it time to be a non-conformist, or to integrate?

I'm afraid you'll just have to read this big thicc bitch to find out.

• #3 On Grand Strategy by John Lewis Gaddis •

You used to have to join an Ivy League school to get what this book offers. How fancy.

If there's one thing I absolutely love, it's a book on harmony. Taking two powerful and compelling opposites, finding the hip that joins them, and exemplifying those who can harmonize both sides into one effective point of view.

What are you, a fox, or a hedgehog? A map, or a compass?

As the analogy goes, the fox searches for food everywhere, and everywhere finds a new challenge to overcome. Life is uncertain. The fox is willy, creative, and dynamic. Whereas the hedgehog sits in one bush, and waits for his food to skitter and wriggle right up to him. Threaten him, he just balls up and waits. The hedgehog lives a simple life of certainty and stasis.

It's maybe unsurprising that Sonic is the de facto mascot for autism. Even though he's super fast, he moves in straight lines, and instead of staying still, he absolutely never wants to stop. A real linear fella, with a roguish fox-like veneer.

Many people make the mistake of trying to adopt just one form. But you need both. The other great analogy Gaddis uses is the topographical map vs the compass. One needs both to properly navigate. The compass points you north with certainty and straightforwardness, but it won't warn you of the swamps and cliffs, like a good map will.

With the basic dynamic laid out, Gaddis then loads you up with some choice examples throughout history, of foxes and their hedgehog foils, as well as people who embodied both styles with great harmony and success.

There are some fascinating pairs to think about. Machiavelli and St Augustine, Queen Elizabeth and King Philip II, Tolstoy and Clausewitz, Lincoln and Douglas, Jackson and Hamilton, etc. the respective foxes and hedgehogs of their times.

"Grand Strategy", according to John, involves combining one's inner fox and hedgehog, adapting to incompatibilities, keeping your self rooted with your head out of the clouds where platitudes swarm, and making decisions that can overcome the constant changes in time, space, and scale.

• #4 The 48 Laws Of Power by Robert Greene •

This is the book that started the Humpty Dumpty Elegy, officially. Scoffing at You Are Not So Smart was Hump's biggest single insult. But this got me in motion. I never planned on sharing this one with anybody. It even says to keep plenty of your best knowledge secret. But power crystalized into a topic, and without this, there were only four out of five books. Well sheeit.

Looking at the reviews, just the existence of a book like this upsets people. In fact, I was guilty of a similar attitude. I only read it after letting it sit in my library for more than a year. I figured only creepy douchebags and prisoners would read something like this.

But thanks to Chrissy Chaos blabbin' about it everywhere he went, I decided to give it a shake. And I'm so glad I did.

Now I'm upset at whatever put that bullshit in my head. Anybody who tells you not to empower yourself is your enemy. There's nothing to gain from being weak. Nothing for you, that is.

And if you think tough men are dangerous, wait until you see what weak men eggs are capable of -- Jordan Peterson, 12 Rules For Life

I should have known better. Repressing your shadow is one of the most effective ways of turning yourself into a neurotic psycho. You oughta be out there, vice signaling.

There were a number of rules that pointed the finger at Humpty, saying, "get this bastard out of your life!" But the one that obviously sealed the deal was,

Law 10: Infection, avoid the unhappy and unlucky.

Now, "unhappy and unlucky" describes Wednesday to a T. So I cracked a joke at him saying, "Sorry dude, my book says ya gotta go. Time to giddy the fuck up on out ma life, beitch!" We laughed, but I worried he might actually be thinking that the creepy power book I'm reading is saying mean things about him behind his back.

So I thought about it, and wondered what I might say to make it clear that Mr. Greene wasn't referring to my powerful and inspiring friend Wednesday. In case Wednesday happened to catch real feelings about it.

"He wasn't talking about you, he was talking about Humpty Dumpty."

🤯⚡💡

When I said that in my head, a lightning bolt fired off in there, all these neurons waiting to connect finally did, and Humpty's scheme unraveled in my mind from beginning to end.

Now, I'd like to reiterate, I never advocated for kicking Humpty Dumpty out of our little group. I merely told them that I was 100% done with his crybaby bullshit, and that I was planning on doing things differently for my own peace of mind. But The Twelve Days Of Christmas began, without me needing a single power law to guide it. I just wanted to bore him, and ignore him.

But aaah well fuck him, he's not reading this. All this guilty conscience shit has got to be getting boring.

When the book wasn't describing Dump as cancer, it actually described him as a dude with remarkable control over his life already. It's just that he laments everything that makes him powerful:

His intentions are obscure; He always says less than necessary; He's got a great reputation, outside of the Discord; He effortlessly courts attention towards his fake pitifulness; He gets others to do work for him; He's can be disarmingly honest and generous; He knows to appeal to people's self-interest or self-image; He's never committed to anyone; He played a sucker to catch a sucker (Wednesday and I); He's the living embodiment of the "surrender tactic"; He played on our need to believe; He can control your options, dealing only the cards he wants you to play with; All grapes are sour grapes to him; He IS a compelling spectacle; And though he behaves like others, he thinks like nobody else.

The fun part of reading this book is finding what things you actually do quite well. We learn plenty of these laws naturally, as kids, and it's validating hearing them in a book like this. Humpty's not helpless, no matter how much he insists. After reading this, I just can't buy it from him.

It's not just validating, but overall refreshing and unique. Robert wrote this out of frustration, as he apparently writes all of his books. He found nobody was writing anything practical or honest about power. Everything else avoided delving into the human shadow, or just telling it like it is when it comes to the ego.

"Amoral" is a fair word for this book. It is not gonna help you find eudaimonia, or fulfillment. It has no advice on what to do with all your newfangled power. So keep that in mind. Try my other recommendations.

But are you an anxious person? Why? You don't just have anxiety. You are anxious, about something. It's not a cold, nobody just sneezed it into you. Everyone's anxiety is their own complex tangle of knots for themself to unravel. So what's got you anxious?

I'd be willing to bet one major thread in that ball of knots is a feeling of powerlessness. From times you held power, and knowingly let it go. To times where you didn't know you had it till it was gone. Maybe you're another person who feels guilty about your own will to power, so you concealed it, from everyone first, then yourself. Maybe you had power before you knew it could corrupt, and you misused it, and don't think it belongs to you anymore. Don't let "power" be something ineffable to you like the idea of "cool" or "success"; It's a thing with definite properties.

This book is considered an absolute lifesaver for people in exploitative, political environments. Known as "the most popular book in prison", it's best usage is in the hands of those subjected to power, not the ones wielding it over others. 99% of people using this book are doing so defensively, not offensively.

If there's one great way to describe Humpty Dumpty, it's as a former prisoner. He's got all the markers of an animal, broken by an institution. Like Camus says, if prison changes you, it doesn't change you into a philosopher, but a dimwit or a monster.

My #1 goal with this series is to empower people (at the expense of one douchebag). I feel like I've always had a headstart on that in life, thanks to my parents and their unique attitudes. I think the most destructive people I've ever known were exemplars of weakness, not strength.

These are not absolute laws. There's no sane reason to worry about following all 48 laws at once, 24/7. Unless you can stomach the solitude of a pimp, which nobody really can, not even pimps. My workplace, for example, is very low on exploitation and politics, so I save a lot of energy and don't worry much about these laws each day. But if you have a goal, there are 48 definite things you can do to ensure you reach it.

And remember, there ain't no rest for the wicked. If you're looking to make a better world to live in, you gotta beat the bad guys to it.

• #5 The Dichotomy Of Leadership by Jocko Willink and Leif Babin •

Look at you, you powerful motherfucker. You did it. You're the boss now!

Alright now WAIT HURRY DON'T FUCK IT UP AAAH OH MY GOD WHHYYY!🔥⚠🦴🌊⚡💥☠

Ooooh way to go, you dick, everything's broken, people died, tisk tisk

Power and leadership ain't something to fuck around with. Nobody knows that better than our two Navy SEAL friends, Jocko and Leif.

I said I love books on harmony. This here is one of the best. Especially since these authors epitomize the idea of "skin in the game".

Not only did they successfully learn and apply these principles in war, they proved through their consulting company, Echelon Front, that they're applicable broadly, in all realms of leadership.

Jocko & Leif's first book, Extreme Ownership (or as my brother calls it Insane Responsibility) was a smash hit, and changed a lot of minds for the better. But that name, "extreme", broke many people's brains. So they followed it up with a book on balance: The Dichotomy Of Leadership.

Their goal was to empower through humility. But some bosses thought it all meant "micromanage with rabid zeal." And by doing so, they negated the ownership of everyone beneath them. People weren't allowed to make choices, so extreme ownership up and down the pecking order couldn't be achieved. Nobody was getting paid to think, and things would begin to get rigid, fragile, and collapse.

It was clear, that with responsibility out of the way, the next most important key to leadership is finding the healthy medians among the "countless dichotomies of leadership".

The ultimate dichotomy, to them, comes when a leader has to put their people's lives/livelihoods at risk, for the sake of the mission. But that's just the hardest one to stomach. Beyond that, they cover eleven more powerful dichotomies a leader must always keep in mind.

How do you own it all, while empowering others?

When does resolute become overbearing?

When do you mentor, and when do you fire?

Where's the line between training hard, and training smart?

How do you stay aggressive without being reckless?

How do you stay disciplined without being rigid?

How do you hold people accountable without holding their hands?

When should the leader follow?

You must plan, but when does it become overplanning?

Can you be humble without being passive?

How do you stay focused, but detached?

That's a whole bunch of shit, isn't it? Each one makes the hair holding Damocles' sword seem just that much thinner, and the sword that much sharper.

It's a whole lot more than just foxes & hedgehogs, maps & compasses, Hellenists & Hebraists, Squares & Towers, etc. All those seem adorably theoretical compared to everything in this book. This is Tolstoy, Clausewitz, AND Bonaparte, all in one. Plus enthralling stories of urban combat from the people stirring it up.

This book isn't just written for the bosses and supervisors of the world. Since only a tiny fraction of any group is in charge, and it probably won't be you. Their whole philosophy is about decentralized command, and instilling leadership qualities into every unit down the chain.

For me, since I haven't been in a leadership position since reading this, I have just been using it to size up bosses, and do my best to make myself immune from their misbehavior. I get my work done admirably, no complaints, no excuses, nobody ever cracks a whip at me; Nobody's gonna steal my table of knickknacks.

Growing up, I used to worry I'd be like my father, chronically quarrelling with my bosses. But with Jocko and Leif's gravelly voices in my head, I'm at the point in my life where I know my employers are lucky to have me, and I'm not afraid to remind them. Politely.

A huge factor in one's quality of life, is the quality of their workplace. These books can help you recognize, in a single week of work, whether you're in a place worth working in at all.

Judge your leaders on all this stuff. Do they take ownership of the mission, or blame others? Do they balance these dichotomies well? Do they waste precious leadership capitol by pulling rank? Are they afraid to fire carcinogenic coworkers? Do they prefer wishcasting over forecasting? Are they good teachers?

If they don't hold up, don't try to fix them, QUIT. High staff turnover is often the only leverage against a bad boss. I say the same thing every time a coworker tells me they handed in their two weeks:

"Congratulations!"

But if the mission matters to you, and quitting isn't an option, this book equips you with the knowhow to make the best of bad leadership. Ride out that high-turnover rate with grace, while your naughty boss capsizes. Or better yet, maybe it's time to start your own mission?

• End Bit •

Well, that was a pretty intense month of reading. I originally didn't read these books consecutively; these are some of my oldest and newest ones. But this month, I lined up the five most powerful ones I had, and snorted them right up my ass. It's been quite a rush.

In retrospect, I could have just as easily made the topic this month "harmony" because they all focus just as much on that. Which says a lot to me about the nature of power.

Even 48 Laws Of Power provides reversals to every rule, except for a critical handful which have no reversal (like there's NO benefit to ignorance of other people, PERIOD). With all the caveats and reversals, it's closer to 100 laws for you to ponder.

Ask yourself, who in your life would prefer that you didn't have power? I mean people that wince and cringe every time they spot you displaying strength. To some of you, that may sound paranoid and absurd. But I know people with peers that drag them down like crabs in a bucket; tall-poppy-types. Mostly women, if I'm being honest. One of the downsides of empathy and agreeability is how hard it makes getting rid of toxic "infectious" friends. Particularly ones who so casually throw around threats of self-harm.

If you keep an eye open though, you'll see there are a lot of people out there who don't want anyone to find strength or confidence. Their rationales vary from disgusting to pathetic, but the point is, some people are to strength as puritans are to joy. They find agency, efficacy, and potency to be egregious and profane. I fucking hate these people.

Their favorite targets are kids. There's something sacred to them about the insecurity we develop in puberty. They see the natural heroism and genius of children as evil, and seek to rid them of as much of it as possible.

When I was a kid, my favorite movie was Matilda. This scene set my whole brain on fire:

Uh oh! Here come the tears of anger!

I've met maybe a hundred adults like DeVito's character, in my life. I've always wondered if some people watch that scene, and envy the power Mr. Wormwood has, like "Aaah, yes, one day I'll have the privilege of belittling kids when they show good character. Mmmmmm."

Meanwhile, I still want to snap his finger off and do horrible things to him with it. I think part of me lives to spot people like Mr. Wormwood and Ms. Trunchbull, and try to make them feel small when they do this to others.

That voice does not belong in your head. You are not dumb, you are not little, you are not wrong. You can do incredible things with that human mind of yours, including imprisoning it within itself.

Maybe it's hack to reference the Allegory Of The Cave, but these are my top five cave-escapers. I saw Humpty as a man who needed help to escape the black hole of lies he grew up in, like I did. He played on some megalomaniacal Prometheus complex I didn't totally realize I had till I dealt with him.

There's a whole world out there of sweetness and light, begging for your enthusiasm, and I know a lot of people are missing it. It's easier to put the thought of it out of my mind, to get through the day. But when I stop and truly think about it, it breaks my heart and fills me with rage.

Come on out of that Chokey.

Unlearn helplessness!

See you next month! Five more books! What'll they be about?! When does it end?! I miss reading new things!

[stardustedknuckles]

Man I'm realizing how much of a detriment my fear of being wrong is. Like I wouldn't have considered myself someone who experienced much shame growing up (outside of environmental judgements growing up in nowhere, Georgia) but something's done a huge number on me that I'm only beginning to untangle as I look at campaign 3 and my thoughts on the characters.

I could spend days going on about FCG and the existential questions they bring, wax about what kind of person would want to be around them and why (Ashton). I could dive into laudna, Imogen, Fearne - the only thing stopping me is "I'm probably wrong." I guess I've just learned to avoid looking stupid at all costs but like. I don't think anyone else is stupid when they make their guesses or go with a characteristic that later doesn't pan out in canon. I think it's cool that people can run with characters on so little.

And I'm realizing I can do that too, but I've got it so ingrained in my head that I'm not allowed to be wrong that my thoughts aren't even finishing themselves. They're self censoring before they get out the gate. "I don't have enough information to speculate about that" so??? It's not stopping anyone else. Why force myself to wait til episode 90 again if I have ideas now? Even if they turn out to not be what the cast is going for, it's...

Ah. It's vulnerability lol. It's easy to be vulnerable as it pertains to Beau because the way I match her lines up really well with canon. There's nothing to be wrong about, nothing to be disproven anymore. I don't mind projecting on her really hard because I'm confident I grasp the core of her. It's harder to spring into existentialism and project on FCG not knowing Sam's intent for them. I'll feel really exposed if I go all in and completely miss where his story goes (especially if other people guessed it correctly). I used to get called a know it all for this kind of behavior, not speaking up unless I was certain of the answer, but honestly I think enough years of every possible mistake being magnified so other people could feel better ("I got it right and the one who's supposed to be smart didn't!") has left me with residual behaviors picked up from when being smart was my safety. If I wasn't smart I was nothing.

Well I've been a dumbass for several years now outside of academia and it's way more fun, so I guess it's just a matter of undoing some old habits from when everything important to me was under constant scrutiny. This year in the b/y fandom has helped me face a lot of fears and discover/throw off a lot of shame, but there are always more layers.

Anyway I'll have to really sit down and work with myself on the possibilities I keep glimpsing but tossing out for lack of information. There's no stakes here. I can speculate. It won't hurt anything.