#but anyway I think you’re missing the point
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Cop Hamzah!
bf!hamzah x fem reader
18+/nsfw
──★ ˙ ̟🐇 ꩜ .ᐟ
Hamzah was out making a skit with Martin, leaving you home alone. Long video shoots take awhile to film so you don’t even bother telling your boyfriend to hurry and come home. You were lonely and bored, so you decide to make Hamzah his favorite dinner to surprise him, when we got home.
A while later, you heard the front door shuffling open making your smile grow. You set the mixing spoon down to greet Hamzah.
“Hi, my love” Hamzah said pulling you into a tight hug.
“I missed you” you kissed him on the lips.
“Did you?” He giggled while you nodded in response.
“How’d the video go?” You asked while resuming back to your cooking.
“Y/n the video turned out so funny! The whole thing was improv and it took one take! I can’t wait for it to be uploaded” He laughed, remembering how him and Martin were.
“Oh my god I can’t wait to watch” you let out a giggle.
“Also, I love this outfit on you. I think it’s doing something to me” You said looking at your boyfriend’s cop uniform.
“Seriously? Or is that a joke”
“It’s kinda hot, I’m not gonna lie.” You looked up at him and ran your hand on his chest.
“I’m glad you think so. You can call me officer Blumquist” he said.
You look at him, cringing a bit. “Hamzah I’m not calling you that…” you laughed.
He laughed a bit then lifted your chin up making you look at him and he slowly pulled you into a kiss. One thing you noticed about Hamzah’s kisses were that he always went kinda rough. So desperate. You love it and it only made you want him more. Your lips parted and let out sweet moans. The noises you let out turned him on so much.
“Babe, I need you” you panted.
“You’ve been bad, I see” he said keeping up with the bit.
“I’m a good girl, officer. I swear” you played along. You placed your hand gently on his abdomen and traced it down to the handcuffs that were dangling on his belt loop. You looked up at him signaled that you wanted them on you.
“I think Imma need to pat you down, you know, just to make sure you don’t have anything on you” he turned you around and started at the bottom of your legs and made his way up to your waist. His hands groped your breast making you hum in pleasure.
“I didn’t find anything. I just wanted you feel you” he whispers making you shiver.
You turned around to face him and planted kisses on his neck. You noticed his glasses and you proceeded to take them off. “Hamzah please” you begged. “I want you in me” you continued. Your bodies were so close, you could feel his erection growing hard. You raised your right leg to wrap around his body, which took him over the edge.
He snaked his hands around your body and eventually took your top off. That small tank wasn’t covering anything, anyway. He usually handled you with such care, but right now, he’s being rough. Your frail body was turned over to the kitchen counter and Hamzah bent you over a tad bit.
“Hamzah fuck me, I’m yours” you whimpered.
“Be patient, beautiful” he smirked at the fact that he had so much control over you.
Seconds later, you felt his hands fondling with your ass. His pointer fingers hooked at the waist band of your shorts and underwear and pulled them down, in one motion. You bent down lower, to give him a better view of your plump ass.
“You’re so wet for me already, darlin?” He asked as his point and middle finger played with your glistening pussy. “God, I can’t wait to feel you around me” he added. The sound of his belt buckle coming undone made your stomach flutter with butterflies. He unzipped his pants and pulled them down, to release his hard cock. His tip slowly entered you making you moan his name out in pleasure.
“Fuck, y/n how are you already so tight, didn’t i just fuck you the other day?” He groaned.
He watched as his cock disappeared more and more into you. Your entire upper body gave up and eventually plopped flat onto the kitchen counter. The cold surface stings your body but your mind’s too busy on Hamzah.
You let out a moan at the satisfying stretch and his warm hands were gently placed on your lower back for reassurance. His pace quickened, with each thrust and the sound of skin clapping filled the room.
Hamzah noticed that you were struggling to keep a grip on the glossy counter, so he grabs your arms and places them on your back. He grabs your wrists and cuffs them tightly with the handcuffs.
“Ah- Hamzah! Mmm fuck” you cried out.
His head rolled back, while keeping his pace fast. “Shit…” he mumbled. He picked his head back up and watched as he pulled his cock out from you. You whine at the funny feeling but are ultimately cut off from him re entering back into you. He shoves himself into your wet pussy, earning loud and sweet noises from you. “Fuck- fuck- Hamzah harder please!” You beg as he fucks himself harder into you.
“You’re so fucking beautiful” he said as his large hand smacks your ass.
“Babe, I’m close! Please don’t stop” you tell him as you feel the familiar knot in your stomach. After a few more deep thrusts, you release around him. You two are a moaning mess and he eventually pulls out to cum on your ass. He groaned and cursed under his breath, as he jerked himself.
Hamzah took a minute to calm himself down then he grabbed the small keys from his pocket to un cuff your wrists from the handcuffs. He knows how to properly care for you, especially after sex. He cleans you up and gently pulled your shorts back on followed by a slap on your ass.
“Ow baby” you giggle. You picked yourself up and kissed him on the lips. “I love you” you ran your fingers in his hair and whispered sweet nothings in his ear.
Hamzah smiles and zips his pants back up. You look into each other’s eyes it feels like you’re in heaven. After a while of being in each other’s arms, you tell him you made him his favorite meal, which excites him.
“I hope i didn’t burn it. Oops” you joked while placing the plate in front of him.
“Thank you for making this for me!” He said with a big smile. “You’re so cute” you reply as he makes you sit on his lap. You watch him as he enjoys the food.
You thought to yourself “he just fucked me in a cop outfit and now he’s acting like a baby”
“Are you keeping this?” You ask referencing to the cop outfit.
“Probably not, there’s no use for it anyway” He replied as he ate the yummy chicken.
“Wait! I know you want me to keep it!” he laughed.
“Freaky girl” He pinched your cheek.
“Stop! I know you liked it too” you flick his forehead.
──★ ˙ ̟🐇 ꩜ .ᐟ
officer blumquist 😭😭😭😭
Srry if this is bad :p
#hamzahthefantastic#slushy noobz#hamzah imagines#hamzah fic#hamzahsmut#smut#hamzah x reader#freakbob
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.・。.・゜✭・Smart Mouth・✫・゜・。.
NSFW (18+ ONLY) MDNI
academic rival!taehyun x fem!reader
content warnings: drinking, drunk sex, unprotected sex, pet names (pretty girl, baby), small mentions of smoking/weed, slightly condescending Taehyun, fucking until ur dumb lol, if i missed anything else pls lmk!!
author's note: i've been on-and-off working on this fic until i started hating it! just needed to get it out of my system so i can finally work on other stuff! also i didn't really edit this, so sorry for any typos or grammar errors
song inspos: You Lose! By Magdelena Bay; Cologne by beabadooobee
“Hey… Y/n? Maybe you should slow down a little bit?” Yeonjun furrows his brows in concern as he watches you down your third shot in the last 10 minutes.
Yeonjun’s worries fall on deaf ears as you suck the lime between your teeth. You just need something to fog your mind, to haze the racing thoughts and anger that swarms inside you. Something to distract you from the shitty day you just had. The logical part of your brain is screaming at you to heed Yeonjun’s advice, but you’re not at this party to be smart and logical like you usually are. You are at this party to make bad decisions: to make up for the time you wasted chasing after something, and having it ripped away from you anyway.
Usually, you’re not at these types of parties. Usually, you spend your free time in front of a laptop, coding for your lab. Or maybe burning your retinas as you stare holes through research journals, looking for articles to cite. Maybe even clocking in overtime hours, proctoring experiments that you were begged to cover last minute. Day in and day out, you give everything to your lab, and yet they decide to go with him? After doing everything the PhD students and postdocs ask of you– for three fucking years– they give the head coordinator position to him? And now here you are fucking thinking about your lab even though the whole point of being at this dumb party is to not think about it and-
Yeonjun’s soju bottle hitting the table snaps you back into reality.
After his swig, he waves a hand in front of your face, “Aye, you still here?” Yeonjun’s fingers blur and distort as they move in front of you. The blasting music and sounds of people socializing blend into a slurry. Shit, those shots are finally hitting.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” the words fumbling over themselves as they exit your mouth. You rub the palm of your hand into your forehead, turning to look as Beomgyu greets someone at the front door.
Your stomach drops when you see who comes through the door. Everything seems to slow down and unravel as the tall figure entering the house does some stupid dude-bro handshake with Beomgyu. His chocolate brown hair, his lean figure, his twinkly eyes: you could recognize him from miles away. The heat rising in you is sobering; it blisters in your lungs as you stare at him from across the house. The last 24 hours come crashing down on your shoulders again.
Yeonjun looks over to what has captured your attention and his eyes widen. “Ah fuck!”
“Jun,” you slowly turn towards your fox-eyed dumbass of a friend, “I thought you said you double-checked with Gyu to make sure he wasn’t coming tonight.”
“I did, Y/n! I swear on my life!”
“Then why are we staring at the Kang Taehyun in your living room?”
Yeonjun runs his hand through his hair, huffing out his answer, “I don’t know! Maybe he changed his mind?”
You look over at Taehyun’s direction again, and your eyes meet. Your heartbeat quickens. His eyes squint, not hiding how he has spotted you. Fuck. You don’t even have time to process and suddenly Taehyun is standing across the kitchen island from you and Yeonjun.
He leans forward and whispers to you, “Wow, I didn’t expect to see you here~”
It’s amazing how you could see straight after how hard you rolled your eyes at him. The chocolate-haired boy chuckles in response. Taehyun greets Yeonjun who makes it brief. He may be a little dense, but even Yeonjun knows not to get too chummy with the bastard you were talking shit about all evening.
“I was just about to leave, actually!” You begin getting up when a firm pair of hands push your shoulders back into the stool.
You turn in shock and see Beomgyu pouting at you, “Y/n~ you never hang out with us anymore. Can you just stay a little longer?” He whines, but you hear a hint of mischief in his voice.
You try to protest, but before you can utter a sound Beomgyu interrupts, “Plus, you still owe me from that time you promised to treat me out on my birthday… and NEVER did…”
Fuck. You totally forgot about that. You look at Beomgyu and he gives you the biggest, pleading puppy-dog eyes. An irritated sigh escapes your teeth. “Fine.”
Taehyun is already opening the soju bottle with ease. He smiles as he pours a shot for himself, “Uh oh, Beomgyu! You made the pretty girl mad!”
God, he pisses you off.
Taehyun, the golden boy: good merits with all his peers and professors, at the top of everything he does. When you both joined your psychology lab, it honestly was nice at first. You grew pretty close being in the same cohort. You both seemed driven and, as first-years, shared a lot of interests and hobbies. The only difference between you being Taehyun’s natural ability to succeed. In the beginning, you didn’t notice. Every class, every test, every paper: Taehyun aced with flying colors, while you chased after him, just out of his reach. But it was fine because you were friends. Taehyun would smile, ruffle your hair, and say “maybe next time”.
But there was never a next time. Even in the middle of your final year at uni, Taehyun has topped you every single time. Though the rest of the department sees your rivalry as light-hearted and playful, a darkness grew underneath it all. Frustration. Anxiety. Jealousy. As the gap between your abilities became more and more apparent, his “kind” remarks began to sting more and more. The more he teased you, the more tired you became of his patronizing nature. Eventually, you pushed him away.
No longer stuck in your ruminations, you catch yourself staring as Taehyun pours a giddy Yeonjun and Beomgyu a shot. He tilts the bottle towards you, “Do you want one?”
Yeonjun starts talking before you say anything, “I think it’s better if she sits this one ou-”. You place your shot glass in front of Taehyun before Yeonjun can finish.
“I can handle myself.”
Beomgyu giggles, wrapping an arm around you, “See, I missed you!! Still as bitchy and smart-mouthed as ever!”
Taehyun cocks his eyebrow at you, “I missed that too.” He pours the shot to the brim.
—
Due to spite, you feel extra pissy today. Or maybe it’s because Taehyun has made it a point to hover wherever you are in this damn house. You want to watch the beer pong tournament happening in the backyard? There’s Taehyun wanting to join suddenly. You want to take some mirror selfies with Sakura in the hallway mirror? Taehyun is posing in the background of some of your pics! You want to pass a joint with Heesung and chill on the upstairs balcony? Taehyun just decides he wants a couple of hits too!
You finally get some peace and quiet by wandering to one of the empty rooms on the second floor. You sit down by the foot of the bed.
You feel defeated, for some odd reason. The whole goal of tonight was to get Taehyun off your mind, and yet he’s creeped into every crevice in your brain, invading every thought. How he downs shots exposes his pretty neck, how his eyes brighten when he smiles for pictures, how soft and big his hands are when you hand him a joint… Ugh. You mentally smack those images out of your head.
There’s a little secret you would take to your grave: the main thing that pisses you off about Taehyun is that he is drop dead gorgeous. It’s just all too unfair. A person can’t be insanely smart and look like an S-tier model. There really should be rules about that. But it’s evident God has favorites, and Taehyun is one of them. Being cross-faded also hasn’t helped with these thoughts. You feel floaty and a bit too…vulnerable. Like everything is threatening to burst from your chest.
The light from the hallway lights up the room for a second as the door opens. It’s the last person you want to see.
“Taehyun, please. Just leave me alone,” you sigh, not bothering to hide your irritation.
He scoffs, “Happy to see you too,” He closes the door behind him and leans against it.
As you both soak in the silence you can’t help but grow confused by his persistence. How does he just keep popping up everywhere?
“Is there a reason you’ve been following me tonight?”
“I have no idea what you’re talking abou-“ You stand up and get in his face before Taehyun can finish his sentence: just close enough to smell the alcohol on his lips.
“I’m not stupid, Tae. So please, just tell me what you want.”
He raises his arms up, “Okay, okay. You got me. I’ve just been trying to find a moment to talk: in private.”
He takes a deep breath. He leans into the door harder, tilting his head back and pinching the bridge of his nose, “Why are you acting like this?”
Your eyebrows scrunch. “Huh?”
“Y/n, you never come to these types of things. I’ve invited you to them plenty of times,” he continues, “then out of the blue, you come with Jun of all people.”
“I know I’m a shut-in, but I’m allowed to have fun every once in a while.” God, how many times is he going to make you roll your eyes tonight?
His face grimaces with an emotion you’re not familiar with, “I’m not saying that. You just never want to…”
You impatiently cut off his sentence, getting closer to him by the doorway. “Want to what?!”
“You never want to go out with me. You never want to hang out with me. You basically avoid me all the fucking time.”
Taehyun’s arms fall loosely to his sides, “I just don’t get why you hate me so much.” You look up at his face and are hit with a pang of guilt. Is he… actually sad right now?
“I never said I hated you.”
“I can’t help but feel that way. You never talk to me anymore.”
In the quiet you realize how little space there is between you two. The atmosphere feels dangerous, heavy, and hot. You catch Taehyun sneaking a glance at your lips. You’re scared to see where this goes, scared of breaking the tension.
You bite down, wanting to flee from the guilt and shame bubbling in your stomach. You take Taehyun’s hand and try to pull him off the door to make your escape, but he flips you both. Now you’re pinned in between the door and Taehyun.
“Stop running from me, please.”
His voice is warm and dark and weak like a dying bonfire. Your body shudders in response. His arm is slammed next to you, propping his body up so he can lean over you. “I’m so tired of chasing after you.”
He says it so quietly into your ear, you almost convince yourself that you must have misheard him. The only thing that grounds your conviction that you heard correctly is how Taehyun’s free hand softly grips the hair on the back of your head, how his face finds solace in the crook of your neck, how gently his breath grazes that sensitive part of your skin. Suddenly your body feels like it’s on fire, and you’re not sure if you can handle it.
“Tae,” you breathe out softly. “Wait…,” but your objection is only met with the alcoholic heat of Taehyun’s lips. He tastes like the bitter aftertaste of lychee soju and mint chapstick and it knocks the air out of you. You buckle under his weight, instinctively gripping at his shirt for support. He is needy and gasping and crumbling in your hands: a complete 180 from the Taehyun you’re used to.
You manage to separate yourselves, both of your lips bruised and wet. “Tae, wait please!” To your surprise, he listens, but you can tell by the look in his eyes that he’s trying hard to restrain himself.
“You’re drunk!” You push against him, trying to make more space between you two, but to no avail. “Y-you’re really fucking drunk, and not thinking straight. Let’s not do anything we’ll…” You swallow as you catch a glimpse of Taehyun’s lips, “... regret.”
Taehyun cups your face in his hands and looks at you with so much clarity despite all of the alcohol in his veins. The abrupt roughness of the earlier kiss is contrasted by how gently he holds you. The gravity of his stare lingers in the air for a second until he finally answers.
“I’ll only regret it if you end up regretting it. So tell me clearly that you want me to stop.”
“Wha–?”
“I want you to say it. As clear as day. I’ll give you until the count of three: just tell me you don’t want me and I’ll stop. Otherwise,” he puts his forehead against yours, “I’ll keep doing what I want.”
He starts. “One…”
The room is still and quiet except for your heart knocking against the door, drowning out the muffled music from outside. This should be easy, you think, you just need to tell Taehyun to stop. You say stop, Taehyun stops: simple, logical cause and effect. But despite those thoughts rolling into your brain, something primal in you holds your tongue. The way Taehyun’s woody cologne sticks to your clothes and the desperate way he’s panting after that first kiss makes you ache for more. The way his sculpted body feels under your palms and the way you can tell he’s undressing you with his eyes is all too intoxicating.
“... two…”
Your breathing is in sync with him. Taehyun is holding onto every little sound you make as he finds his way nuzzling back into your neck. He fully leans into you and you feel how hard he is. Your breath hitches and you feel him smile against your skin; his hot length twitches from inside his jeans. It excites you how he responds to your tiniest reactions. Curious to test the waters, you slightly grind against him which earns you a small, restrained groan from his lips. You want to hear him more, want to feel him more. It’s against your better judgment….
But remember? You’re not here to be smart: you’re here to make bad decisions.
Taehyun doesn’t even get to three before you crash your lips into his. You wrap your arms around his neck and he takes the opportunity to feel you up as you both blindly stumble to the edge of the bed, not daring to break the kiss as you straddle him. You feel Taehyun impatiently pull at the bottom of your blouse, you smile and untangle yourself from him in response, letting him take off your top. He also takes this time to rip his shirt off of him, and damn: built like a damn Greek statue, carved and polished to perfection. You could have stared at him all night if he didn’t flip you underneath him.
Hovering over you, Taehyun takes a moment to take in the view. His hand traces over the edge of your lace panties. “Wow, did you wear these just for me?”
You prop yourself up to kiss Taehyun’s cheek. “No,” you playfully pout at him, “but I’m letting you take them off of me. So be thankful.”
He chuckles at your snide comment, “God, I love it when you talk like that.”
Taehyun starts leaving a blazing trail of kisses, saliva, and bites down your neck, taking some time to leave some blooming hickeys around your collarbone. He gets to your chest and while he marks his territory, he reaches underneath you and unclasps your bra. You have no time to marvel at his mastery when you gasp at his tongue swirling around your nipple. His hand makes quick work of your body, gripping and massaging your other breast, lightly pinching your other bud in between his index and thumb.
You throw your head back in ecstasy, softly sighing. Taehyun takes his time; his mouth switching between your breasts indiscriminately and occasionally taking a break to kiss the valley in between them. While you squirm under his touch, you feel your wet core ache for more.
“Taehyun…” you whine.
He looks up at you while swirling his tongue around one of your buds. He hums in a questioning tone, refusing to let his mouth leave your body.
“Taehyun please…need more of you…”
He finally pauses and his smile wickedly spreads across his face, “Tell me what you want, pretty girl.”
“Mouth… please. Can I have your mouth please?”
You feel the heat of Taehyun leave your chest as he gets up to quickly strip your panties off of you. You hold your breath when you feel the chill of the room hit you; everything, everywhere is aching. You just want him to touch you, to taste you. It isn’t until you feel the grip of Taehyun’s strong hands around your thighs and the plump soreness of his lips on your hot core that your breath hitches.
You grip Taehyun's hair while he pulls you full force to his face. How his tongue laps into you, how he switches to intensely sucking on your clit, how he pants as he places the wettest kisses against your inner thighs. The rhythm of his tongue puts you in a trance as your eyes roll to the back of your head.
Taehyun absolutely loves giving head. He has had his fair share of partners, so his palette is pretty… experienced. But something about you was so addicting. He thought you tasted like heaven; a flavor so delicious, he could imagine savoring it every night and morning. He could keep your thighs clamped around his face all night if you would let him.
This entire time Taehyun has been pushing you further and further to your bliss. Your body threatens to unravel with every swirl from Taehyun’s tongue, but never quite reaching the tip. However, it all comes crashing down and the coil in your stomach finally snaps the minute he pushes two fingers deep in you. The sounds that escape you are unholy and all you see is white as Taehyun brings you past your orgasm, overstimulating you.
“God, baby, you’re so wet for me already. I was able to fit my fingers in so easily,” he smiles triumphantly at his soaked hand, “Where’s that smart mouth from earlier, huh?”
You whine, riding your drunken high as you grind on his hand. Your walls pulse around him as he thrusts his fingers rhythmically. Happily smiling to himself, he returns his lips to their rightful home: in between your legs, lightly lapping at your clit. Taehyun is having way too much fun now. Your reactions? Your sounds? Your body? Complete, utter perfection. It’s taking every bit of his self-control to not whip out his dick and slam it into your dripping cunt. Every whimper and moan that comes from you makes his cock throb like crazy.
It’s certain everyone in the hallway knows the room is currently “occupied” even over the blaring music. You’re too lost in all the sensations running through your system to care about your volume. Then, you feel Taehyun’s fingers curl into that magic spot: the spot you can never quite reach by yourself. The spot that usually needs the help of toys and vibes. Still coming down from the crash of your previous orgasm, you instinctively push away from Taehyun’s hand, almost scared of feeling any more pleasure. But this reaction doesn’t escape the devious eyes of the boy in between your legs.
Taehyun pauses his movements and asks from below, “Can’t take anymore, baby?” His stare softens a bit as he kisses around your thighs.
You’re conflicted; you don’t want this moment to stop, but feel like you might melt into the sheets if you continue. A small whisper leaves your lips, “I-I think I can, it’s… it’s just a lot all at once.”
“Oh baby,” he coos, “but you can take it for me, right?” Before you can answer, his fingers curl up and hit the spot once more. Again, you feel the heat in your lower stomach release and those aching waves envelope your body, even more powerful than last time. You blink away tears from your eyes, digging your nails into Taehyun’s shoulders as you scream out his name.
Taehyun continues cleaning the honey dripping out of you with his tongue, his cock twitching every time you whimper out a plea for him to fuck you already. Now that you’re ready for him, Taehyun doesn't have to hold back anymore. He tries to hide how eagerly he is stripping off his pants, but you can still tell in your tipsy haze that he is brimming with enthusiasm. However, Taehyun stops as he hovers over you.
“Last chance to back out now, baby.”
You wrap your legs around his waist, “You’re not fucking going anywhere.”
He rubs the tip of his cock along your entrance. He wets his lips, amused by your answer, “Fair enough.”
Even with proper preparation, the stretch is enough to make you arch your back. Taehyun grips the sheets– his knuckles turning white– until he bottoms out inside you. You grip into his back, pulling him flush against you. His brows are furrowed in complete concentration as he buries his face in the crook of your neck. You both stay there for a second, steadying your breaths.
After what feels like an eternity, you adjust to Taehyun’s length and feel ready. However, Taehyun stays still, unmoving.
“Tae… you can move now,” You say, pushing your hips against to demonstrate your willingness.
Taehyun groans, “I know, baby… you just–,” he nearly whimpers, “you just feel really good. Give me a sec…”
A sense of pride swells in your chest. The usually measured, deliberate Kang Taehyun has become a mess just from slipping it in. A coy smile spreads across your face as you wrap your legs around him, pulling him closer.
“Aww, is someone struggling right now? Did I make you feel too good?”
Silence. You feel a slight shift in the air that makes you shiver. Silence. Until Taehyun lifts his chest off of you– pulling back his hips– and looks down at you. His stare makes your blood run cold. One of his hands grips onto the headboard, making him hover you. Taehyun snaps a hard thrust back into you, making you moan in surprise.
“I see that smart mouth I love so much is back,” he icily smiles down, “and I’m going to fuck it out of you.”
There’s no warning, no precaution, as Taehyun brutally begins fucking you into the mattress. He grips the headboard, causing it to knock against the wall in a frantic rhythm. Taehyun’s hips piston into you as you claw into the pillow you lay your head on. With every thrust, you feel yourself clamp around Taehyun’s cock, your mouth agape from the sheer pleasure coursing through you.
“That’s it, pretty girl. Take all of me,” Taehyun breathes into your neck before taking a long lick along your throat. “How does it feel? Feels good?”
You can’t even form words, you feel like a mindless doll as you frantically nod at Taehyun’s question. You feel him pulse inside you as he flashes you a cocky smile. His hand leaves the headboard, moving so both hands grip into your hips, allowing for more leverage.
“Bet it fucking does. Fucking you so dumb, you can’t even talk,” He punctuates each word by slamming his full length into you, making you see stars.
With Taehyun’s constant teasing and unruly speed, it doesn’t take long for you to feel your next orgasm peeking from behind the horizon. Your hands reach down, cupping over Taehyun’s on your hips.
You don’t even have to say anything, you look into Taehyun’s eyes and he just knows. Taehyun grabs your knees and pushes them down towards your chest, leaning into you for a searing kiss; it’s filthy and lustful and pushes you right over the edge towards your release. You let out a low moan into Taehyun’s mouth, your walls fluttering around his dick. With that, Taehyun’s force becomes more erratic as he chases his own high. He pulls away from your kiss and starts nipping at your ear. His breathing becomes more shallow and quick each time your hips meet, little sounds escaping his plump lips.
“Fuck, baby, gonna cum in this pretty pussy,” he growls.
A final push and Taehyun stills inside you, releasing a few hot pumps, until he begins to soften. When he pulls out, you can feel the mixture of your arousals spill out of your fucked-out pussy. Taehyun plops down next to you, both of you still coming down from your respective highs. The silence is broken by Taehyun chuckling, pulling you into his arms.
“Yeonjun is going to be so fucking pissed at me,” he laughed.
You looked up at him in confusion, “Wait, what? Why?”
“Because this is definitely his room.”
Your eyes dart around the room: signed concert posters of bands you recognized on the wall, a closet full of stylish clothes, the bluetooth speaker he always brought to dance practice. Fuck. This was totally Yeonjun’s room.
Your hands shoot up to cover your face, groaning, thinking about how Yeonjun would scold you for getting his bed “dirty”. But your panic subsides as Taehyun presses his lips into your check, giving you a quick peck.
“Ehh, I’m sure it’ll be fine…,” Taehyun hums, flashing you that same cocky smile, “we can talk our way out of it.”
You snuggle into his chest, Taehyun’s smile no longer causing bitterness and resentment to flood your thoughts, but something much warmer…
“...This is what he gets for not warning me about you coming to the party.”
“Okay… maybe don’t start running that smart mouth next time we see him. I’ll do all the talking, alright?”
#summer moans#txt hard hours#txt hard thoughts#txt smut#txt imagines#txt fanfic#txt x reader#txt x y/n#taehyun scenarios#taehyun hard hours#taehyun smut#taehyun x you#taehyun x reader#kpop fanfic#kpop smut
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So, about The Veilguard.
This post is:
Long.
Spoiler full.
Read at your peril.
So.
The fact that I devoured the game in virtually less than three days should speak for itself; I was worried about the playing style, I was unsure about the combo system, and having only two companions travel alongside the MC felt a little alien to me and also added to my anxiety. (Yes, I’ve played Mass Effect, yes, I’ve been in a fighting trio before, but never in Dragon Age.) I thought, “There’s only three of us?! We’re gonna die so much and so hard.”
Turns out I didn’t die so many times as I’d expected, so yay me.
I had refused to watch anything that had to do with the plot, with the exception of the trailers, because I wanted my experience to be fresh and untainted by expectations. Of course, I had hopes — but other than that, I dove in blind and without any sense of direction.
As you know, the depths of the ocean hold both horror and beauty, so here are mine; I shall start with the horrors so all the bad air is cleared out first.
My primary horror is that, save a few points, the game very clearly follows BioWare’s own canon, in which the Hero of Ferelden must have died to stop the Fifth Blight, and thus there is no Kieran. Morrigan plays a pivotal role yet again, but her presence implies that the decisions made in previous games are… well, your own, but not the world’s own. So, no Kieran, and it is heavily suggested that it was Morrigan who drank from the Vir’Abelasan. Even if she hadn’t, turns out she ends up with a piece of Mythal inside her anyway, granted by a regretful (and finally gone) Flemeth.
Story-telling wise, well, I don’t know if it was the best choice— I just know it bummed me out a bit to find some of my decisions discarded, not considered at all.
My second horror is the absence of either Hawke or Stroud. The events at Amaranthine are mentioned, but (unless I missed a codex entry) there’s no word on what happened to the brave soul left in the Fade to fight that giant monster demon. Since I always leave Stroud behind (because Alistair is and always will be a king to me), I can’t say I’m suffering to know his fate, but it would’ve been nice to confirm something.
At the end of Inquisition, Morrigan narrates that should Hawke live, they go to Weisshaupt, but soon all news from there ends. What happened?! Am I missing something found only in the comics or books?
Also what happened to the rest of the companions? What about the woman made Divine in Inquisition? Whether it’s Leliana, Cassandra or Vivienne, you’d think the Divine would have something to say about two ancient elven gods turning the world tits up.
What about the Qunari who are not part of the Antaam? Are they in agreement with Elgar’nan and Ghilan’nain? Is Seheron torn asunder like Minrathous?
Why is nobody remarking on the fact that the Crows buy (or used to buy) people?! I love the Antivan Crows, I do, but one cannot forget Zevran and all he told us about them.
Those are my particular points of horror.
Now, to the rest.
Veilguard is a game that doesn’t hold back. It’s out to punch you in the guts and kick you in the feelings, and boy does it do it brilliantly. The sacrifices are real. The choices are heavy and carry weight on them that slumps you down (especially if you’re extra sensitive, like me) throughout the game. The dilemma and problems your companions face are heart wrenching, and you want them all to thrive. Yes, even the one who was hardened because you can’t bloody be in two places at once. These companions are well fleshed-out, they’re alive, they’re complex and they are so beautiful to live and travel with. The emotional moments they have, I felt them, I suffered with them, I cried. I /cried/, which had never happened to me with a videogame before. And not just because this companion is my favourite or that topic hits a bit close to home— not just that. It’s because they’re amazingly written and acted out. They feel so real.
The locations are gorgeous (I especially fell in love with Treviso), and I love how much you’re able to explore. I love that you can pet animals. I love that you can interact with the world in front of you. I /love/ that you don't miss dialogue even if you get into a fight because the companions re-start conversations now.
The NPCs? My children. Isabela is fire, as always; Antoine, Evka, Viago and Teia have my whole heart. The Mourn Watch is fascinating and the Shadow Dragons are bold, united and righteous. I really like that the Veil Jumpers don’t diss on the Dalish just because they know more— they understand that, as a people, they are one. And they’re accepting of everyone, not just elves!
I simply adore Rook as a protagonist. Not just because they give purple Hawke, and I love Hawke, but because again, they feel human and real. They know this is well above their paygrade, and they’re in way over their heads, but they still step up and lead because damn, someone has to. Iron Bull would be so proud. They are fun, they are caring, they are talkative and they know they’re drowning, but can’t afford to stop swimming.
Both in Origins and Inquisition it felt as though we were The Chosen One, even if in the latter one tried to swear it off and deny any possible divine intervention, but in DA: 2 and here, we are just people trying their best with the worst circumstances, and to me, that’s beautiful. Rook is a delightful protagonist.
The game allows you to choose who you’re going to be and /how/ you’re going to be thus. You can be cis, you can be trans, you can be neither and you can be both. No limits now.
Which leads me to another point I simply adored: how the questions of gender are treated. It’s really big to have an NB character go through their own acceptance process before our very eyes. While in Origins (and a bit in Inquisition too) you have the choice to be shocked that there are people who like their same gender, this game is Thedas saying “The world is big, the world is complex, and people everywhere are not defined by your expectations or rules. It’s not even an option. Deal with it.”
Regarding the magic, I’m not even mad it looks and feels different. After all, Dorian used to say that “the South is so charming and rustic”, and now I see that’s because what he saw in Ferelden and Orlais was not what he is used to. Even in Absolution we see that the way Tevinter used magic is distinctly unique and not how it is done south of Arlathan. I understand it. I like it. It’s not as if there had been no changes in the designs of demons and darkspawn before, and now that’s what they look like. It’s fine. Time has passed and people are allowed to make different creative choices.
Now, to Solas… Solas. Oh, Solas. I understand you so much better now.
Veilguard really helps put into perspective some bits of dialogue from previous games. Why does this 8-ball care so much about spirits and the Fade? Gods, because he /is/ them, and the Fade used to be his home. Every time he has to hear that spirits are monsters or unreal he takes it personally, and how could he not? People are saying he’s a monster, he’s not real, and nobody knows any better because they wouldn’t believe him anyway. Now I understand why he gets so worked up if you make Cole more human—you’re doing to him what Mythal did to Solas himself. You’re forcing him to be something else and Solas knows it hurts. (Also, Cole is happier as a spirit— “Thank you for helping me find this again. For believing in me. You don't know what it means”, he says, and now it hits so differently.)
I have to remark on some things I’ve read that have shocked me— first of all being the interpretation of Solas and Mythal’s relationship. Like Taash, you can assume “they were doing it”, however, I don’t think they ever loved each other like that. Their bond, to me, is that of a queen and her most loyal knight, a “king and lionheart” sort of situation if you will. Solas knows her better than anyone else, certainly, but the way I see it, that right there is his commander, inspiration and also, his heaviest shackle.
Their relationship merits another post altogether, I believe, as does Solas and Lavellan’s.
All in all, the good, to me, far outweights the bad.
Give the Veilguard a chance before you discard them, enjoy the appearance of some of the characters you love, enjoy getting to know the new heroes. Give yourself the option of having an informed opinion before you love or hate.
Also, petition for Solas to let his hair grow out again.
That's it, for now.
#dragon age#dragon age the veilguard#the veilguard spoilers#lucanis dellamorte#neve gallus#bellara lutare#lace harding#varric thetras#evataash#taash#davrin#assan the griffon#spoilers#morrigan#inqusitor lavellan#cole#videogames#games#emmrich volkarin#rook
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Astarion's Journal
_____________________________________________
Hey everyone, Last time, I wrote a letter from Cazador's perspective. To better understand this letter, make sure to check out my first fanfiction. Letter from Cazador If you like it, please let me know I'm not sure if I should keep writing more. So, what do you think? ❤️ ____________________________________________ To Cazador, I can hardly believe I’m writing this letter, but here we are. After our fight, when I found your… well, let’s call it an oddly obsessive love letter, I was furious. I won’t lie. But Tav suggested I should respond. Not that Tav always has the smartest ideas, but at least Tav managed to lead us straight to you and ultimately, to your lifeless body. Tav thinks writing down my thoughts might help me heal faster, maybe even start a journal. Normally, I’d scoff, I’m not a 12-year-old nor, for that matter, Halsin. But honestly, if anyone in our group is the journaling type, I’d have bet on Wyll. He looks like the sort who’d dance his feelings out, probably looking like a spider in a fire while doing it. No one’s got the heart to tell him he’s a terrible dancer. I wanted to, but Lae’zel gave me a look that said everything. Anyway, back to the journal. Who even has time for one? We’re here to kill an Elder Brain, after all. But speaking of Halsin, Tav handed me his old journal since we couldn’t find a blank one, so I tore out some pages and claimed it. We found it in Grove, and he hasn’t missed it since. I’d call that a cheeky solution. He can go hug some trees if he’s feeling out of sorts. You should have seen how well I can imitate him! But let’s get to the point, Cazador. Every time I say your name, Tav tells me I sound like a hissing cobra. Where was I? Ah, yes. your stupid letter. Let me start by saying this: I am not a victim. You were the victim, Cazador. You never managed to break free from your own twisted cycle. And even though every part of me despises you, I almost pity you. No one was there to help when we killed you, and no one will miss you. It’s as if you never existed. No power, no love…nothing. While I may have first manipulated people out of fear, they’re with me now by choice. They believe in me, especially Tav. It’s hard to believe, but they actually love me. That’s something you never had, not even at the end. And that’s why I’ll always be more than you ever were. I mean, I’m alive. I survived, and you’re dead. What more could I want? Well, besides killing this wretched Elder Brain. And I’ll admit, I savor the thought that, in your final moments, you were penning that ridiculous letter, thinking I’d come to you driven by fear as always. It’s a delightful thought, realizing just how much power I had over you. I have my body and my life back. And yes, you were right…I have trust issues, fair point, but I have all the time in the world to rebuild that trust. And I will trust again. By the way, boiling down Vellioth’s skull and stuffing his rules into his mouth? Hilarious. I briefly thought about what I could do to you, but I’ve decided you’re not worth any more of my energy. This letter will be the last thought I give you. I will heal, slowly. Sure, you’ll haunt my dreams, but time heals everything. Even if I could’ve done without your “special treatment,” it made me the person who’s ready to take down an Elder Brain. Now I have a reason to fight again. You were always driven by fear, you poor, pathetic thing. So, what can I say, darling? Rot in hell. Oh, and by the way, I drank your wine and sold your art. Your taste was always abysmal. Astarion P.S. Halsin just walked by and noticed his old journal. Said it looked “familiar.” I guess I’ll find somewhere else to write next time.
#bg3 astarion#baldurs gate 3#astarion#bg3 fic#bg3 fanfiction#astarion simp#bg3 cazador#cazador szarr#baldurs gate 3 cazador#cazador x astarion#astarion fanfic#bg3#baldurs gate#fanfic#bg3 spoilers#bg3 letter#bg3 original character#baldur's gate 3#baldurs gates astarion#hate cazador#the pale elf#bg3 simp#astarion ancunin#bg3 tav#baldurs gate tav#tav#halsins journal#astarions journal#purplebubblywitch#baldurs gate simp
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debutante
previous chapter / chapter five
part of the wyliwf verse.
warnings: mentions of transphobia, food mentions, alcohol, kissing, mentions of child abuse, but nothing actually happens (virgil suspects something and dee mentions parenting attitudes that aren’t healthy) also a mention of harassing women, but it’s more of an abstract than any actual harassment. please let me know if i’ve missed anything else!
pairings: logince, moxiety
words: 21,961
notes: fifth verse, same as the first: i hope this can serve as a distraction for some of you today—please go out and vote if you are in the united states!! i'm actually posting this as i'm in line for my ballot so i can vote before work! there are so many important issues on your local ballot (several states have potentially life-saving but certainly life-altering provisions on ballot this year for a lot of folks!) in addition to national-level stuff! and, in regards to why this took so long to get here,
⁂
janus looks at the jar skeptically, his arms folded across his chest.
“this. this is your favorite food?”
logan tries not to take the slight too personally, but he offers the spoonful of loganberry jam to him again.
“yes, it is,” logan says. “i said nothing when you said your favorite food.”
“because my favorite food is normal,” janus grumbles, but he takes the spoonful anyways. “but seriously. just straight up jam?”
“crofter’s loganberry jam,” logan corrects. “followed by the rest of the jams that crofter’s offers.”
janus sighs, but ingests the jam, presumably in the name of getting to know each other better.
with the introduction of a name, logan had thought to propose getting to know each other better; so now logan knows janus’ favorite color (yellow) his favorite book (the art of war) and his favorite food (he’d said mille feuille, then admitted it was really pretzel m&m’s, which perhaps was a more conventional choice than a specific type of jam.)
logan watches him, hawk-eyed.
“so?” he says when janus swallows.
“i mean,” janus says. “it’s a good jam, i guess?”
logan sighs, but accepts that janus’ education when it comes to jam is a work in progress. that’s fine. in the meantime, logan will prepare a jam sandwich as a midnight snack. he dearly anticipates the day when he is no longer a teenager and therefore no longer so hungry all the time.
⁂
janus waits a long time to change into his pajamas.
logan gets up, presumably to go to the bathroom, and comes downstairs with an overly large hoodie without preamble, or even mentioning it at all, really.
janus refuses to smile, but he does change into the pajama set his parents bought him, with a big hoodie advertising a sideshire save-the-bridge fundraiser.
⁂
“why are you making me watch this,” logan groans.
“because it’s a cultural touchstone, hush,” janus says dismissively, staring at the screen but really staring at logan out of the corner of his eyes, trying his very hardest not to start cackling.
“this sex scene has been going on for three minutes!”
“cultural. touchstone.”
“you’re doing this to make me suffer,” logan accuses.
“obviously,” janus says. “that’s the whole point of making someone watch the room for the first time.”
“i should have just lied when you asked if i understood that reference,” logan mumbles under his breath, pointedly avoiding looking at the screen.
janus, in deciding to go full obnoxious, croons, “yooou are my rose, you are my rose, you are my rooo-ooooo-ooooose—”
logan pulls a pillow over his face and declares, muffled, “i hate you.”
“save it,” janus says dismissively. “we haven’t even gotten to the flower shop scene yet.”
“the what?” logan says, peeking tentatively from behind the pillow.
or the other terrible subplots, janus thinks gleefully. he’s not a huge fan of the room, himself, it’s not like he’s proudly in the cult following for it, but being able to show it to logan for the first time is something he absolutely cannot miss out on.
⁂
“but it makes no sense,” logan practically howls at the screen as the credits roll, janus laughing so hard he can barely breathe.
⁂
“christ, isn’t your boyfriend a dancer?” janus complains, shuffling his feet out of the way.
“my boyfriend is the dancer,” logan says, scowling. “my boyfriend.”
“either way, he needs to bring you in for extra waltzing lessons,” janus says. “poppy is going to kill you if you step on her toes even once.”
logan goes a little pale at that.
⁂
“why this,” janus groans, tempted to do what logan did and put a pillow over his face.
“you picked a movie, now i get to pick a movie,” logan says smugly, and janus considers throwing the pillow at the screen. the only reason he doesn’t is because he somewhat respects ken burns, even if logan picked his most boring documentary ever.
⁂
“this is ridiculous,” logan says.
“it’s meant to be a traditional sleepover activity,” janus says dismissively, counting each curl of the spiral, tapping the paper with his pen. “the internet says so.”
“yes, famously lauded for accuracy, the internet,” logan says. janus ignores him and starts crossing off options, counting under his breath as he goes.
“okay,” janus says, straightening the paper with a great deal of fanfare. “you’ll graduate from princeton—”
“surprising.”
“—i know, quite, i’d had you pinned as an east coast man—after majoring in chemistry, that’s a bit of a departure, isn’t it? but after you graduate, you’ll marry bowman—”
“bowman?!” logan says, aghast. “bowman wasn’t one of the options!”
“i editorialized,” janus says dismissively, “and you’ll have a hundred and two beautiful children—”
“where did you get that number?!”
janus ignores him. “—but you’ll settle in los angeles and live in a cozy little shack—”
“well, i’ve done that before,” logan says fairly, and janus tries his hardest to hide his wince as he continues.
“—and, funnily enough, you’ll be an astronomer. the end.”
“this game is ridiculous,” logan says, snatching back the notepad, before he hesitates and looks at janus.
“all right, fine,” he sighs, and readies the pen. “mansion, house, apartment, shack, those are listed. marriage options?”
“jeff bezos, bill gates, and elon musk,” janus says briskly.
“those are all terrible options,” logan says, disgusted.
“those are all terribly rich options,” janus corrects. “if this is going to be my imaginary m.a.s.h. life, i will live lavishly due to the money my husband will provide. i don’t have morals, i’d gladly be a sugar baby.”
“you don’t get to pick all your spouses,” logan says. “you married me off to bowman.”
“i’d argue elon musk is worse than bowman,” janus points out.
“narrowly,” logan says under his breath.
⁂
tristan, janus reflects, has to go, of course.
if not for his being racist toward janus—which is, admittedly, a more self-preservational factor that has put janus into plotting more actively than he has in the aftermath of almost everything else tristan has done. this includes that tristan cheats poorly, lies without even being clever about it, peacocks about with absolutely no sense of swagger or charm, is generally obnoxious, and somehow manages to both virgin-shame and slut-shame girls at their school without imploding from the hypocrisy of it all—
wait. he’s getting distracted.
if not simply for everything else tristan has ever done, then certainly for the note that’s been smuggled into his pocket.
the question, of course, was which plot to pick: to go out with a bang, or to pick a piece of blackmail so heinous that he’d shipped off to military school, with absolutely no time to lose…
⁂
“—and that’s how you say where can i find a newspaper in french, creole, and portuguese,” janus says. “i mean, your next problem would be if you could read it or not, but.”
“i wish i knew another language,” logan says thoughtfully. “the closest i have is latin, and that’s not exactly something i can use to converse with people.”
they’re both lying on their backs, staring up at the artificial ceiling of the pillow fort.
“i mean,” logan amends. “i know some conversational spanish, but. certainly not fluent.”
“spanish?” janus asks sleepily.
“roman,” logan explains, and janus makes an ah noise. then, “portuguese?”
“childhood nanny,” janus says. “she’s from the dominican republic, not haiti, but. she did teach me some things about haitian culture.”
“i met her, didn’t i?” logan says. “at your grandmother’s.”
“yes, you did,” janus says.
“creole from haiti,” logan guesses, and janus mm-hms.
“and you mentioned your grandmother was french,” logan completes.
“yeah,” janus says, and even logan can pick up the edge in his voice. logan props himself up on an elbow, furrowing his eyebrows.
janus looks at him, arching his own eyebrows, and repeats, “haitian.”
logan flushes, a little bit, remembering the (very little) amount of haitian history they’d covered in their mutual world history class, and the (slightly more, but still not exactly a wealth of information) studying he’d done in his free time.
“right,” logan says quietly.
“i’ve got ideas,” janus says darkly, staring up at the blanket ceiling. “my adopted ancestors’ vast fortune? it’s going to go straight into a trans, black haitian’s pockets. they’re probably rolling in their graves.”
logan is quiet, for a couple moments, before he says, “good.”
janus’s grin unfurls as he stares up at the blanket, daydreaming about how best to squander that fortune.
⁂
they’re lying in the pillow fort, mostly quiet, logan on the edge of sleep. but then, tinny and muffled, as if from a phone speaker:
your touch, pullin' fire out of me your touch, like the wind crashing on the sea...
“i am going to kill you,” logan declares, even if he does start laughing when janus does.
⁂
patton staggers down the stairs, stifling a yawn with his hand, and he has to stifle a smile at the sight of a blanket fort in his living room, just big enough for two teenage boys.
he edges around it carefully, heading directly for his first stop every morning: the coffee maker.
by the time the coffee maker starts making those slightly alarming sputtering noises that always makes patton think he should probably get it looked at, the boys emerge from the fort, bleary-eyed and honed in on the scent of fresh coffee.
“mugs in there,” patton mumbles to dee, who grabs three at random and pushes them toward patton so patton can pour, the coffee steaming and diffusing its delectable scent all throughout patton’s tiny kitchen.
there’s a stretch of silence only broken by the sound of sugar shaken into coffee, the pouring of milk, the clattering of a spoon against ceramic, and sipping.
by the time patton’s three-quarters of the way through his mug, he feels much more like a human.
“hope you boys slept well,” patton says, his voice not quite at its usual level of perkiness—he’ll need another mug of coffee for that. “do you have any preferences for breakfast? dee, you’re the guest, you can pick—we could go to virgil’s, that’s got diner breakfast—”
a strange expression flashes over dee’s face. patton takes note of it but doesn’t mention it.
“—remy, he runs the café in town, he does some good breakfast sandwiches… or fran’s, she’s got danishes and little pies and things. she runs the bakery near town center, you might have seen it.”
“fran’s,” dee says decisively.
patton nods, drains his mug, and reaches for a travel thermos. “i’ll go ahead and get going for fran’s, then, it can get a bit busy on weekend mornings. logan, could you fish out a menu and show it to dee? either of you can text me with your orders.”
both boys make sounds of affirmation, mostly preoccupied with consuming as much coffee as possible.
patton can’t really talk; he’s busy trying starting to drink the coffee from his thermos while simultaneously hunting for his house keys.
⁂
is the taste of cinnamon rolls in these small-town bakeries the entire appeal of living in a small town with an entire store for christmas lights? janus can now slightly better understand the appeal of living in a small town, if so.
squidgy without being mushy, just enough cinnamon to keep it from being sickly sweet, just enough icing to keep the whole thing moist, paired with the unexpectedly spectacular coffee from remy’s café…
janus eats three in addition to the rest of the pastry selection patton had generously gotten for them, and is only slightly regretful when a food coma signals its impending arrival.
but, as all things do, his visit to bizzare-o-town comes to an end—he’s put on his clothes and returned the hoodie logan had lent him, he’s tucked patton’s phone number into a small, almost-hidden pocket in his duffel bag, and he stands on the sanders’ surprisingly roomy front porch with logan, patton waving them both out with his ever-cheerful air.
“where are you going again?”
“newsroom,” logan says, shouldering his own backpack. “at this point, i think rudy’s just coming up with new typos to make sure i come around at least once a week. it’s ridiculous. look at this.”
janus obligingly looks at a newspaper, grimacing at the blatant inconsistencies of the use or lack of an oxford comma scattered across the page.
“we use ap style,” logan says mournfully. “he knows about proper comma placement. i know he knows about proper comma placement.”
“well,” janus says, striving for something polite to say, only ending up with, “best of luck with that.”
logan sighs, tucking away the newspaper. “i will require it.”
he holds out his hand. janus shakes it. (he notices only during the drive home his absolute absence of any hesitation.)
“i’ll see you at school.”
“see you at school,” janus echoes.
it’s probably the absolute lack of tension that is serving to make janus feel strange. since the beginning of the school year, they’d been picking at each other over grades, and he’d been needling logan for so long, it feels odd to leave without some kind of academic repartee.
and, well. who is he to break from tradition, after all.
the entire reason for this gathering being to forcibly break tradition aside.
so he adds, “i bet my score on our science exam is higher than yours.”
“it will not,” logan says, looking affronted.
janus snorts, shaking his head and starting down the stairs, heading for his car. “whatever you say.”
“it won’t!”
“four point margin.”
“absolutely not! your score will be less than mine by two at most!”
“i’ll make it mine is six points above yours!” janus calls, sliding into the driver’s seat, and sees logan shaking his head and probably muttering to himself.
janus rolls his eyes, but his lip turns up at the corner a bit more than usual as he drives down a rinky-dink little residential street and is that an old couple walking a cat in a stroller?! who put drugs in this town’s water supply?!
⁂
“hey, over here!”
the jolly bell fixed to the top of the door of this (admittedly quite cool) coffeeshop has barely rung before poppy’s attention is called to a corner lit by a big, dramatic brass lamp, where two fat, squashy buttery leather armchairs are framed on either side by bookshelves containing a boggling number of books in seemingly every genre and cool little bits of artsy decor.
poppy waves to lauren, before she points to the bar in a wordless offer. lauren, in answer, holds up her own to-go cup, waving her on to order.
poppy loves coffee.
poppy isn’t allowed to drink coffee.
well. decaf is fine. but the reason she isn’t allowed to drink caffeine “should be self-evident,” according to her mother. so this cuts down a bit on her café offerings.
the barista—who has the largest cup on offer in one hand, and his phone in the other—barely glances away from his phone to look at her over the frames of his sunglasses.
“what do you want?”
okay, blunt. poppy can appreciate blunt.
“the honey lavender latte. decaf,” she tacks on.
“size?”
“large.”
“hot or iced?”
“iced.”
“anything else?”
poppy shakes her head, nods when he recites the order back to her, taps her card when asked, and shuffles off to the pickup area to get her coffee, taking a moment to look around.
all of the machinery is sleek, decorated in white and black, down to the framed wall art beneath the menu. the barista is talking on his phone, now, gesticulating grandly with his truly enormous cup of iced—tea, she’s pretty sure?—behind the espresso machine, even as he’s pulling a shot for her drink. it’s frankly an impressive display of multitasking.
she looks around the room. there are other chilton people here, but not many, and most of them upperclassmen lingering in sideshire before they have to retreat back to the horrors of the workload of their junior and senior years.
there are a few of sideshire townsfolk, too, most of them chattering in polite undertones, lounging on the couches are the same buttery brown leather of the armchairs. there are also a couple of modern black rocking chairs cushioned in white, also under a couple of those big, brass lamps, all so similar in style; it all looks right out of a period film’s library mashed together with a sleek, black-and-white modernist look. poppy’s burgeoning designer brain can appreciate the adherence to an aesthetic, and this place has it in spades.
the entire place is very… cool.
poppy isn’t very well-versed in how to handle cool. her peers have made this very clear to her.
she scoops up her order when called with a quick “thanks,” and scoots her way over to the other armchair.
“hey!” lauren says, immediately shifting her laptop so poppy can see. “i’m just getting the most likely stuff features onto a flashdrive—what d’you think on this one?”
poppy examines it. it’s a good shot, ana and janey talking, heads leaned in close, fan angled just so to shield what they’re saying from their seat neighbor, but not enough to obscure their faces. ana smirking in perfect profile, janey’s laugh covered in dramatic shadow.
“that’s good,” poppy says, then, with much more honesty, “well, with a bit of color grading…”
lauren laughs ruefully. “yeah, i know. it’s juuuust cloudy enough to mess with my exposure settings with all the windows in there, let me tell you. i’ll chuck it into the folder of likely contenders and meet up with mel to whittle all the options down on monday. do you wanna help? if you don’t, i can just do it later. i’m procrastinating on an essay for mr. medina.”
mr. medina teaches sophomore and senior honors and ap english. poppy isn’t sure how she’ll handle it next year; he’s a fine enough teacher, sure, but he also doesn’t seem to be the sort to do things when poppy tells him to, like some other teachers at chilton. one compliment to mrs. caldicott, for example, and she’d probably eat out of the palm of poppy’s hand.
“sure, i can help sort photos,” poppy says, wondering if this is some kind of test. she doesn’t know lauren very well—should she just agree with everything she says? will lauren be the sort to get ruffled up if disagreed with, or would she think poppy a suck-up if she didn’t?
and photos, too! so prone to artistic disagreement. so prone to subjectivity! at least design tended to have some very classic rules. poppy knows less with photography; rule of thirds, and that was about it.
“cool, thanks—i don’t have many left, i don’t think, let me get it set up here…”
poppy takes a nervous sip of her beverage as lauren plugs her laptop in to charge, then angles the screen so they can both see it without too much glare.
the drink is good. very good. just sweet enough with the honey, just floral enough with the lavender, but the drink isn’t too sweet nor too floral nor too bitter from the coffee; all the flavors work in perfect concert with each other. it’s the sort of good that makes poppy very happy she’s taken a risk and gotten a large, and she’s already mentally plotting an excuse to come see logan just so she can swing by this coffeeshop again.
“okay!” lauren says brightly, enlarges the photo, and poppy can’t help but snort, then wince.
but—it’s, objectively, a bad photo. it’s an insanely blurry shot; it looks like lauren accidentally snapped a photo on its way into her camera bag, focused mostly on the ballet studio’s wooden floors.
“okay, yeah, immediate no,” lauren says, also laughing, which makes poppy’s shoulders relax, just a bit.
she also files the information away; lauren is, at least superficially, okay with laughing at herself. that’s useful intel.
there are very few other immediate nos in there; one where kai, lauren’s boyfriend (poppy thinks? she’s not up on the gossip. she has better ways to spend her time) has stolen lauren’s camera and attempted to take a selfie with it, missing most of his face and instead capturing a surprisingly steady photo of their own shoulder. there’s one where tristan dugray is obviously in the middle of sneezing. (her mother says that poppy ought to have a crush on a boy like tristan, who is objectively handsome, poppy can yield that, but he’s just… such a jackass.)
a few others pass in that nature; people who turned at the last second, awkward blinking, action stills that aren’t very photogenic, but the one five photos after that are, that kind of thing.
but the rest of them are remarkably well-composed, featuring a mixture of chilton students, not just those who are popular. there’s a mix of dynamics, of expressions, of poses; even as poppy tries to peruse them with a critical eye, as she gathers that lauren does actually want to know her opinion, it’s obvious that lauren has a talent.
she says as much as they wind down on the end of the photos, lauren detaching the memory card reader from her laptop and packing it away into a teeny tiny little case.
“aw, shucks,” lauren says, grinning, starting to dissemble her camera with swift, practiced motions, detaching the lens and reaching for a microfiber cloth. “i mean, i’ve been taking photos since i was a little kid, i’d hope some sort of talent would have rub off on me by now.”
“so you’ve always wanted to be a photographer?” poppy asks, immediately intrigued.
lauren hesitates, pausing from polishing the lens.
“...um,” lauren says, and laughs a little bit, awkward, and poppy immediately know she’s overstepped. she doesn’t know how—this is a frequent occurrence—she just knows that she has.
“sorry,” poppy says hastily, knowing that this is typically the smoothest path to resolution.
“no, no, it’s fine,” lauren says, waving her hand. poppy watches the cloth flutter like a flag in the wind. “um—i dunno, it always just gets a bit… you know how chilton is.”
“they do tend to prioritize STEM careers,” poppy agrees hastily. this is a boon for her, considering she intends on going into medicinal research, but she can see how this might be a bit of a struggle for someone more artistically inclined.
“yeah,” lauren says. “um. it’s more… i don’t know what i want to do. actually.”
poppy freezes.
the idea is such anathema to her that it’s boggling her mind. poppy knows her life and who she’s going to grow up to be ever since she had a concept of herself. high school at chilton, college at harvard, then staying at harvard for med school, then making a career in cancer research. that’s it. path plotted.
“like,” lauren says, “at all. i mean, i like photography a lot! i really enjoy mel’s class. but do i like it enough to stake my entire college experience on it? to make a career in that? i really like to bake, too, but i don’t want to be a baker. same with chemistry. same with—everything. i don’t even know which colleges i’ll apply for yet.”
that’s insane. objectively, poppy thinks.
(it’s not.)
even if lauren wasn’t also a chilton student—who famously set their students rigorous exercises and standards for the collegiate application experience—she doesn’t even know where she wants to go?!
“like,” poppy echoes, lost for words. “...at all?”
“like at all,” lauren agrees miserably. “i’m seventeen, anyways! who the hell has their life figured out at seventeen?!”
she does not give poppy an opportunity to answer—probably good, because poppy would have said something like well, i’ve had it figured out since i was four—before she says “no one! no one does! why is society set up like this?!”
“...historical precedent,” poppy decides to say, because that feels safer than offering any emotional input.
“historical precedent is stupid,” lauren grumbles. “all i know i want to do is keep spending time with my boyfriend, take pictures, bake things to bring into class, and probably be editor in chief next year, because i really like the idea of spending more time with mel and molding the paper into the best it can be, not because i know for a fact that i want to be editor in chief someday and i want to put it on my resume.”
wow. poppy and lauren really are different.
“is that too much to ask?!”
“no,” poppy says because, objective wildness of not planning your future since you’ve had a concept of time aside, it isn’t a lot to ask.
“thank you,” lauren sighs, flopping back into her armchair, then meets poppy’s eyes for the first time since she’s started this little tirade.
“oh, god, i’m sorry,” lauren says. “sorry. it’s just—my parents were getting on me about it right before we got here, they want me to buckle down, like, four years ago, and it’s… sorry. i shouldn’t have put all that on you.”
“no, it’s okay,” poppy says, once again relying on that old faithful of Societal Norms.
“here i am, freaking out, and here you are, with—” lauren gestures vaguely. “a painstakingly organized agenda and a straightforward trajectory and a—a purpose. a future, a plan. i mean, cancer research, wow!”
it is pretty wow, but poppy thinks it’d be pretty insensitive to bring that up at the moment, as lauren is currently burying her face in her hands.
“i’m all—mess, and you’ve got everything figured out,” lauren finishes.
“not everything,” flies out of poppy’s mouth before she can even consider a response.
lauren peeks through her fingers, arching an eyebrow.
“i know it sounds—silly,” poppy says, haltingly. “but—you’ve got things figured out that i definitely don’t. i mean—my mom would kill for me to have a boyfriend and do social things like you do.”
“your mom has her priorities a bit skewed.”
“i know that,” poppy tries not to snap, “but that’s—what it is. people like you, you get involved in things, and i can’t even figure out which stupid secret society to join because, even though i have all the family connections, neither of them really like me enough to invite me before now.”
welp. there it is.
poppy knows she’s an acquired taste; the trouble is, she’s never met anyone particularly patient enough to actually acquire it. dee has come close, she guesses, but he’s so hard to read that it’s genuinely difficult to tell, and even then, it’s because they’re “of a like mind,” according to him.
which—considering dee’s reputation within the chilton social stratosphere—is not particularly comforting.
“oh, poppy, that’s not—”
“i’m going to have to suck up to francie jarvis all year if i want to get into the puffs, she all but told me that outright,” poppy snaps. “help her with her homework, secure her a prime spot in the parking lot, organize her locker, scrunch up the plastic strands on her pom-poms to make them fluffy. i’d have to do everything except give her a manicure, if I had any talent with an orange stick.”
“but there’s the—”
“—clairs, i know, but no one’s even approached me about the clairs, even though i have cousins who graduated from both sororities! my family's name and reputation, not to mention my entire future, all depend on me getting into that group—”
“okay, first of all,” lauren says, “the entirety of your family’s name, reputation, and your incredibly bright future do not all depend on which clique you’re in in high school.”
“—my mother was a proud puff,” poppy continues as if she hasn’t spoken, because really, what a ridiculous notion that the world was not pinned on the minutiae of decisions you make in high school, “and my cousin maddie. the connections maddie made with the puffs got her an internship with the supreme court. but my father’s sister was a clair, and so was my cousin ruth. the connections ruth made with the clairs got her an incredible job managing celebrity pr, which sounds like hell to me but she’s thrilled as anything—”
“poppy—poppy!” lauren’s holding up her hands in supplication, and poppy promptly shuts her mouth.
did that guy behind the barista bar screw up and give her full caffeine?! she surreptitiously looks at the sharpie markings on her cup—no, marked off as decaf. hmph.
“okay,” lauren says, speaking in a soft, quiet tone, the way one might talk to an easily startled bunny or something of that nature. which is ridiculous, even if poppy’s shoulder’s relax a little at the sound of it. “first of all: i don’t know about the puffs, but clairs don’t recruit until the last month of your freshman year.”
poppy blinks.
“which wouldn’t be for a minute, for you,” she adds helpfully. “second, you could probably report francie for hazing—”
“it was mostly implied,” poppy mumbles.
“—still,” lauren says. “francie’s…”
poppy waits for lauren to finish that sentence, taking a sip of her drink.
“...francie,” lauren finishes delicately, as if unable to come up with any singular term that would do the work to encapsulate francie. “look. you’re smart, and driven, and you’d succeed in either sorority you wanted, or no sorority, even—”
poppy’s already shaking her head at that notion.
“—but, hey, part of why i asked you to coffee is to tell you about the clairs,” lauren says, settling back in her armchair.
“that would be great, thank you,” poppy says politely, trying to pack away their mutual spinouts into the distant past of thirty seconds ago, never to be thought of again. “maddie tells me all about the puffs, but ruth’s pretty quiet about the clairs. what are meetings like?”
“i mean, it’s kind of secret,” lauren says, warmly enough that it’s not entirely discounting the question, “but, i mean—you know how chilton tends to try to keep everything about the secret societies hush-hush and fails at it completely?”
poppy nods. there are ten secret societies worth cracking at chilton, and the puffs have been commonly regarded as number one for the last fifty years. a supreme court justice was once a puff. the ship to keeping secret societies hush-hush had sailed long ago for that reason alone.
“i can tell you the stuff i knew was in the public eye before i got initiated,” lauren says, “which—you probably know, but it’ll probably be good to clear up rumor-rumors from rumors based a little more in fact.”
also accurate. the jefferson has famously implied that the clairosophic society are the closest a modern girl could get to going into the woods and slaughtering chickens and drinking each other’s blood to enact witchcraft, like fabled salem witches of old.
the jefferson has also implied certain things about the puffs and their… well, poppy thinks its not too far of a stretch to mention the comparison to a cultish honeybee hive, complete absolute obeisance to their designated queen—highly likely to be francie for the next few years.
“this is different for every society—and for fraternities and sororities in college—but i can generally tell you that it’s not too different from a lot of club meetings. we have an agenda, we have questions and discussion, we do an occasional activity, we make a plan for what we’ll do between this meeting and the next one.”
vague, but poppy can appreciate mentions of agendas and plans. valuable intel. poppy is notoriously good with agendas and plans—she might be able to finagle this into a boon, regardless of which sorority she joins—
“usually, we talk about things going on at chilton, philanthropy events, any tweaks to the bylaws, social events that we’re all planning, voting for some of the more niche aspects of running a sorority… formal meetings are a lot of bureaucracy.”
poppy can do bureaucracy! poppy is great at bureaucracy!
wait.
“and… informal meetings?” poppy says.
“also a bit secret,” lauren says sheepishly. “more like… friend hangouts. don’t stress about it.”
hilarious. as if poppy has experience with informal hangouts. poppy will absolutely be stressing about it.
“you mentioned philanthropy?” poppy prompts, and lauren brightens.
“yes! we vote on a cause each year, and this year—for the past couple years, actually—we’re focusing our efforts on a children’s research hospital.”
poppy must visibly perk up at this, because lauren grins.
“i thought that might be up your alley.”
“what kind of things do you do?” poppy says, practically vibrating. depending on the puffs’ philanthropic efforts, this could absolutely tilt the scales—establishing connections at a hospital this early! poppy had previously planned on beginning to do volunteer work as soon as she was legally old enough to do some work of import at the hospital, but this was huge, this could advance her plans by years—
“a lot of fundraising—i need to pin down what i’m going to bake for a bake sale in two weeks, actually—helping out with their phone bank, some occasional office administration stuff, supporting their fundraising events. some girls—ana does it, i can give her your number if you have questions—help out in the playroom. ana’s there basically every weekend, she’s there probably the most of anyone. some of the girls on the cross-country and track teams are finagling the rest of them to join in the national 5k.”
poppy nods, absorbing this.
“we partner with a lot of their official events, mostly volunteering to do some of the grunt work. actually, wait, let me find a pamphlet for you from the hospital, i know i’ve got it here somewhere…”
lauren begins rummaging around in her backpack, and poppy takes a moment to drink her coffee and absorb this; a man in a cardigan opens a door that poppy had thought for staff only. the barista looks up, smiling for the first time that she’s seen, and passes the man a prepped to-go cup. the man in the cardigan beams, takes it, and uses his other hand to pull the barista in for a quick kiss.
poppy finds herself staring as the barista leans against the counter; they speak in quiet undertones, cautious not to let any of their words float to the rest of the café—poppy thinks she might be the only one watching, though. the locals don’t seem to care, as if this is a common enough occurrence, and the lingering chilton students are either deep in conversation with each other or scrolling on their phones or laptops with their airpods in.
what a town, where these people can kiss and no one even thinks to comment upon it.
poppy wonders if that’s what life is like outside of the mcmaster household. to be free of a world where every little thing is commented upon.
“here you go,” lauren says cheerfully, passing it over. “even if you don’t join the clairs, i hope you look into this. it’s a really great cause.”
“sure,” poppy says automatically, taking it and tucking it carefully into her bag, then, “do you really not care if i join the clairs or not?”
lauren blinks. “how do you mean?”
“like,” poppy says, gesturing vaguely. “this. this wasn’t some recruitment tactic?”
“oh!” lauren says. “i mean—not formally. i just invited you because…”
“because?” poppy prompts, eyes narrowing.
“because i really do think that we need to stick together,” lauren says. “both in terms of being journalism girls, sure, but also because i think women in general should stick together. i do want you in the clairs, but not because of the fact that you’re a mcmaster or i think you’re going to be really successful some day—which you will—but because i like you.”
poppy blinks. “you like me?”
“sure, i like you!” lauren says. “i think you’re really good at journalism and design. i like that you decided you wanted a feature and went after it. i like that you’re teaming up with logan and dee, even though dee’s kind of out there, because you recognize everyone’s talent, instead of only yours, which i think is way too common in a place like chilton. and i think you’re funny.”
poppy absorbs this for a moment. funny is not a word typically used to describe her. like is not a word typically used to describe her. she sets this aside—the words sure i like you! echoing in her mind nonetheless—and progresses.
“do you think i’d be a good clair?”
“i think you’d be a great member of any sorority,” lauren says. “but, yes—i think you’d be a great clair. you’re driven, you’re smart, you’re so focused on your own goals that i don’t think you’d care that any other clairs’ life path is a little unorthodox.”
“is that common?” poppy says, setting aside the errant thought that unorthodox might have been an invitation to pun. poppy does not pun, but enough people at her synagogue do that it feels near-instinctual to recognize the opportunity and let it float away. “unorthodox life paths, i mean.”
“very,” lauren says honestly. “i mean—my indecision aside. i know that a lot of us don’t fit the chilton mold. girls who are religious outside of christianity, girls who aren’t religious at all, girls who don’t want what society sets out for the path of a “good”—” here she uses air quotes, “chilton girl. like—liv is already setting up to be a professional bridesmaid starting in college, and that’s all she’s ever professed a desire to do, professionally speaking. bella’s thinking about going off the grid entirely and living off the land. soph leads ghost tours on the weekends with the intent of landing a rich eccentric to spouse up with. scarlet doesn’t want to go to college at all, she thinks chilton is scamming her parents.“
yes. those are certainly all off the path of approved post-chilton career paths, which mostly seem to split between “corporate,” “lawyer,” “doctor,” “professor,” or “otherwise professionally or academically outstanding so that we may brag upon our alumni.”
“yeah, you’d be a good clair.”
“oh,” poppy says. “that’s… good. but. i mean. do you think i’d… fit in, as a clair?”
“i think that’s the beauty of the clairs,” lauren says thoughtfully. “none of us fit in. but we manage to fit in with each other. if that makes any sense?”
it does, poppy thinks, stirring her drink with her straw, thinking of hattie, thinking of the barista, thinking of a future where she won’t have to bow to someone’s every whim, but one where she is instead offered mentorship and volunteer opportunities to further her future, without ulterior motive.
“it really does.”
⁂
seline: ALERT.
francie: You know how much I hate it when you start a text message with a vague message instead of getting right to the point.
seline: right, sorry.
francie: And learn punctuation.
seline: anyway i stuck around in the middle of nowhere right after the gathering to get some coffee, and i saw mcmaster coming into the café
francie: Poppy McMaster?
seline: she’s that really intense freshman right
francie: WAY too intense.
seline: and loud. and also i think she might be a robot, she never just. STOPS. ykwim
francie: She comes from a long line of us, though.
seline: ugh. i hate nepotism.
francie: Rich of you to say. It makes the world go ‘round.
francie: Anway, I should care about this, beyond McMaster being insanely intense and coming from a long line of Puffs because…?
seline: right! so i stuck around in the middle of nowhere right after the gathering to get some coffee, and i saw mcmaster coming into the café
francie: Get to a point, please.
seline: and she sat with lauren whatever her name is. seline: …and asking her a lot about the clairosophic society.
francie: What?! francie: But her family’s fully puffed!!!
seline: except her cousin.
francie: Who cares about her freaky cousin? A voluntary defector!!! There hasn’t been one in at least ten years, and even then, that was forgiven when she got suspended for troublemaking!!!
seline: maybe i heard her wrong, bc i was listening to that stupid video mr. gardiner keeps saying i should listen to to “improve my understanding of calculus,” but that’s what i think i heard her say.
francie: We absolutely cannot have this.
⁂
“if katy fincher’s mom tries to butt in on coaching the cheer squad one more time, i’m going to scream,�� sasha says, her face buried in her arms where they rest on the desk of their mutual english class.
they currently have quiet time to work on their papers, which means everyone is talking in quiet voices and absolutely not working on their papers. most are instead online shopping on their laptops or texting other people on the sly.
“mood, retweet, same,” roman says, sticking a post-it in the latest poetry compendium he’s reading. he thinks logan will like this one, even if it is a bit more avant-garde that logan’s usual tastes.
“like, we get it, you were a cheerleader here fifty years ago or whatever, that doesn’t mean you get to just steamroller over our actual coach,” sasha continues, scowling. “it’s enough that she has somehow managed to nepotize katy into a flyer position, now she wants to choreograph routines to bring them back to how they were? no, thank you.”
“she wants to do what,” roman says, looking up from his poetry book. “since when?”
“i don’t even know, but joanna posner texted me that mrs. fincher has some suggestions for practice tomorrow, apparently.”
“the routines are great the way they are! we’re nearly done with the basketball season already, what’s the point of doing it now? is coach actually going to hear her out?”
sasha looks up just enough to shrug and give roman a look at her excellent cut-crease eyeshadow look today—all silvery sparkles and stark, dramatic gunmetal gray—before dropping her forehead back onto her arms.
“this means she’s probably going to put herkies in it,” sasha whines. “i hate herkies.”
“i also hate herkies,” roman says. it’s true, it’s probably his least-favorite cheer-specific jump, which is something, because he usually loves leaps and jumps. it’s like someone ferociously messed up an attitude leap and decided to just rename it instead of facing up to the fact that they did it wrong.
“if any parent should come in to choreograph a new routine, it’s your mom,” sasha says, rolling so her cheek is resting on her arms now, not her forehead. “your mom rules at teaching routines.”
roman smiles. it’s true. his mom does rule at teaching and also at everything else.
“it was really cool to see her teach and stuff last weekend,” sasha continues. “it makes me wish i actually went to a studio to do ballet instead of trying to teach myself from barbie movies.”
“barbie’s nutcracker and twelve dancing princesses are an integral part of my ballet dancer lore,” roman says, “but yeah, she’s the best. and you did, in fact, miss out on the best dance teacher of all time.”
“not that you’re biased.”
“of course not,” roman agrees, amused. “i’m the least biased in the world.”
the bell rings; there’s a great scraping of chairs and desks as everyone gets up to go to lunch, their teacher calling out reminders on the deadline for the paper maybe two of them were actually working on.
roman tucks his book into his backpack, slings it over his shoulder, and asks, “sit with me?”
“sure,” sasha says, and so they set off for the cafeteria, briefly interrupted by a conversation with brick davis about if either of them know anything about arranging carpool arrangements—they don’t, but roman gives brick logan’s phone number because he probably will know—before they find a decent table away from the herd of people who probably sprinted here to get to the microwaves first.
elliott finds them all not long after that, sitting down beside sasha.
“hi,” they say, before peeking curiously at the contents of sasha’s lunchbox. “that looks really good.”
“thanks!” sasha says brightly, already drizzling tzatziki over the innards of her wrap. “i’d heat it up if the lines weren’t so bad today, but souvlaki’s okay cold. even if might be blasphemous to my ancestors, whatever, they never had to deal with microwave lines.”
elliott sighs a little, glumly removing a ziplock bag with what looks like a very sad sandwich inside. they examine it for a minute.
“erm,” roman says, briefly glancing up from his chicken caesar salad. “what is that?”
“i… am not really sure,” elliott says. they open it, sniff a little, and hastily reseal it, but not before the scent of heavy mayonnaise reaches roman. “and i am not entirely sure i trust that this is vegetarian, so. what’s on the hot lunch menu today?”
“umm, i think it’s spaghetti? but don’t quote me on that.” sasha adds hastily.
“sold,” elliott says immediately, scooping up their sad, mayo-infused sandwich to dump in the nearest trash can. “be right back.”
sasha, likely reveling in the fact that one of her dad’s favorite hobbies is remaking and gently tweaking family recipes until they match his elusive childhood memories of summers spent in katerini, looks on sympathetically as elliott shuffles their way in line.
“i’d bring them a spare lunch if they ever asked,” she says with a shake of her head. “i think this is the third time in two weeks that elliott’s had to buy a hot lunch because they weren’t sure if their mom remembered to pack something vegetarian.”
“ditto,” roman says, unsuccessfully attempting to spear a crouton. “my mom’s pretty good about meal prep, and even then, i live, like, right next door to virgil. he’d pack them a lunch without a doubt.”
“it’s like they don’t know they’ve got prime food access just by virtue of us,” sasha says.
“we should hint that to them. delicately.”
“for sure,” sasha agrees. “if it’s not mayo, it’s ham. if it’s not ham, it’s, like, really sad pb&js that are half-smushed inside a ziploc bag.”
“you’d think it would get better once chad graduated,” he says, then, “right, right, you’re new. chad is elliott’s older brother.”
“mm,” sasha says, nose wrinkling. “is he, like, a nice chad, or—”
“no. quintessential chad. whatever you’re picturing, you’ve probably got it.”
sasha’s nose wrinkles further, and she and roman distract themselves with eating as much of their lunches as they can until elliott comes back.
lunch breaks aren’t exactly leisurely at sideshire high. ergo, the sprint to form lines at the microwave; the faster it’s warm, the faster you can eat, the faster you can get to talking to your friends, or visiting your favorite teacher, or stopping by your locker, or what have you.
roman’s pretty sure they aren’t leisurely at chilton, either, but roman bets the students there are a bit less social and a bit more studious with their spare time during lunch breaks.
after a few minutes, elliott drops down at their table and they, too, promptly begin inhaling their spaghetti with marinara sauce and garlic bread on the side.
“we ran into brick earlier, do you know anything about carpooling to the debutante ball?” sasha asks elliott.
they shake their head and make noise of denial.
“that’s a good idea, though,” they mumble.
“yeah, someone should get on that,” sasha says, then, “wait, duh, i know a quick way to get an answer on this.”
she pulls out her phone and sends a text; roman sees his phone screen light up from where he has it stashed in a backpack pocket, in the sideshire debutantes group chat.
“oh, obviously,” roman says. “why didn’t i think of that?”
“just say your brain’s fried from whatever amount of planning happened this weekend, we’d forgive you,” sasha advises. “it was a really big production, does your mom do that kind of thing a lot?”
“well, she hosts a lot of town meetings,” roman muses. “and, i mean, we teach a lot of classes, but—nothing like that.”
“no, this is a pretty unique situation,” elliott says between bites. “your mom’s still really scary, by the way, it did not get better just because i took a class with her like you said it would.”
“i know, isn’t she the best?” roman beams.
elliott makes a nervous mmmmm sound as sasha says “yes absolutely she is.”
“like, hey, look,” roman says, displaying his salad. “i said i was craving caesar, and look! caesar. with plenty to spare, if anyone ever asked me to bring any spare food to anywhere for any reason, plus, like, really close access to the best restaurant in town.”
“subtle,” sasha mouths at him, and roman just shrugs.
hey, he can be a lot of things—dramatic, ostentatious, confident—and none of those are exactly synonyms for subtle.
“yeah, speaking of virgil,” elliott says, digging out their phone. “look at my suit! dress? suit-dress?”
“swess,” sasha says, leaning over to peer at elliott’s phone screen.
“druit,” roman says, doing the same.
it looks, frankly, really cool; half perfect tux, half old-fashioned, regency-esque white dress.
“elliott, that’s gonna look so good,” sasha gushes happily.
roman says, delighted, “wow, elliott, it turned out great, i can’t wait to see it in person!”
“thanks,” elliott says, ducking their head. “i’m, um, i’m really happy with it, actually. i was really nervous.”
“what are you gonna do with shoes and stuff?” sasha says curiously. “oh, i could totally help you do a half-and-half look, just say the word!”
“would you really?” elliott says, looking surprised. “thanks, sasha, that would be really—really great, actually. i mostly just,” and gestures to their dark eyeshadow. “y’know. not exactly intricate stuff.”
sasha squeals happily, clapping her hands.
“i love having models to do makeup on!” she says. “my sisters are getting so tired of me bursting into their rooms when they’re trying to do homework, let me tell you. ooh, ellie, this is gonna be great! we should probably carpool then, right, if i’m your makeup artist?”
“sure!” elliott says. “we can text other people to see if there’s room in the car, or if you’ve got yours, or—”
“totally,” sasha says. “sorry, can i just take a picture of your face, real quick? i want to make sure i have a reference for foundation matching.”
“um, sure?” elliott says, and they try their best to offer a neutral expression to the camera.
quickly afterward, not even leaning over to peek at the picture sasha got, elliott turns to roman. “how about you? i don’t think i’ve seen your dress.”
roman grins. “it’s a surprise, darlings.”
“aw, not even one hint?” sasha teases.
roman, faux-thoughtfully, taps his finger against his chin.
“well,” he says with a smile at elliott, “you won’t be the only one doing an avant-garde makeup look, how about that?”
“oh, nice,” elliott says. “i mean—not that you won’t do a great job, sasha, it’s just also nice to know i won’t be the only one.”
“i don’t think you were ever going to be the only one,” sasha says cheerfully. “it’s a ton of people smashing gender norms, interesting fashion and makeup kind of goes hand-in-hand with all of that.”
“interesting fashion seems like a theme with those chilton kids for sure,” elliott says. “i mean, wasn’t that friend of logan’s wearing a cape?”
roman scowls, more out of instinct than anything.
“uh-oh,” sasha says. “we don’t like logan’s friend? what’s their name?”
“dee,” roman grumbles, “and no, we do not like him. he’s competing with logan too hard for valedictorian, which should be logan’s in any sane world, he lied to me for the sake of his own amusement, he pokes his nose in everyone’s business, he—”
“okay, we don’t like him,” sasha says, cutting him off. “got it.”
elliott makes another mm noise.
“what?” roman says, lowering his fork.
elliott jerks their shoulders up and down in a shrug.
“no, really, what?”
“wellll,” elliott says, drawing out the word, dragging their fork through the pasta. “does he… really suck?”
“yes, he sucks,” roman says fervently. “he, for sure, really, absolutely sucks.”
“do i detect jealousy?” sasha says, a hint of intrigue on her voice.
“you absolutely do not,” roman says fervently. “no. no way. i am not jealous of that—that jason vorhees wannabe!”
elliott’s head tilts, and their mouth pulls to one side.
“what was that face?” roman says. “i’m not!”
“weeeeellllll,” elliott says in a high-pitched voice.
“oh, go on, elliott, you know i’m new,” sasha urges. “you know all this history, i’m at a disadvantage.”
elliott shrugs, lifting a noodle on their fork, letting it drop back down into the tray. “i mean, you and logan have practically been together since kindergarten.”
“not true,” roman mutters petulantly. “if we had been together that long, i could have saved myself a lot of longing staring and yearning angst throughout the years.”
“not necessarily romantically,” elliott adds to sasha, as if roman isn’t even there. “just, like. it was always roman-and-logan, logan-and-roman, you know?”
they say it very quickly, like they’re used to saying their names as all one word; romanandlogan, loganandroman. roman fights the urge to be sappy about that.
“if one was there, the other wasn’t far behind. they’ve always been,” elliott says, and twines their fingers together, using the gesture to finish their sentence.
“ohhh,” sasha says, in a great gusting sigh of realization. “i see. logan moved, met this guy, and now this is a whole another person might be becoming important to the person who’s important to me thing.”
“it is not that thing, okay, first of all,” roman says, “he’s evil.”
“evil?!” sasha says, on the edge of a laugh. “he’s a prep wearing a cape, roman, i don’t know if it’s that serious.”
“it is that serious,” roman says vehemently, “he manipulated someone into punching logan, so—!”
“wait, what?” elliott says, and so roman has to catch them all up on the dastardy of dee slange.
this takes the rest of lunch break; they split off for their respective lockers and afternoon classes, roman slightly vindicated by the looks on their faces as they realize that dee slange is heinous.
“but if he did all that—” sasha begins, then breaks it off, her brow furrowing.
“what?” roman says, distracted by the sound of their class bell, putting his phone back into the perfectly sized pocket of his backpack.
elliott and sasha exchange another look.
“well,” sasha says. “i guess i don’t know him as well as either of you do, but… logan seems like a really smart guy. if dee really did all of that—then why is logan bothering to hang out with him?”
roman sets his jaw, slinging his backpack over his shoulder.
“that’s what i can’t figure out, either,” roman says, and he goes on his way to his next class before either of them can start brainstorming and come up answers that make dee even more abominable than he already is..
or, even worse—
answers that will make roman start to consider dee as logan’s misunderstood confidante.
⁂
“uh-huh. well, that’s good, at least.”
patton makes eye contact with virgil and nods as virgil speaks into the landline; virgil nods back with a little distracted smile on his face as he continues listening intently on the phone. patton contents himself with attempting to guess who’s on the phone based on the half of the conversation he’s walked into the middle of.
“yeah, it’s all going pretty well, we had a big get-together with a lot of the kids so they all know how it’s gonna go down… probably, yeah, i’m up to my armpits in tulle, but i think i’ve gotten all the last of the last-minute folks in, so i can at least narrow it down…”
okay, someone who is interested in how the debutante ball is going, which means not someone with a strict business relationship based mostly on virgil ordering ingredients and supplies.
“...bit longer, but shouldn’t be much. you know how things get with the seasons, i’ve got a bit more downtime here and there…”
hm. virgil’s tone makes it almost like he’s talking to his mom, which would fit, except virgil’s probably talked to meredith recently enough that she’d know about the timeline, and someone else who knows about how restaurant levels vary. which leaves…
“okay. yeah, see you soon… i will, i will, he’d probably like that… thanks. bye.”
virgil hangs up the landline; if there’s one thing about landlines patton misses, it’s probably that sense of concrete finality that comes from hanging up a phone. smartphones just mean pressing a screen. no theatricality of clicking buttons, no twirling the line around a finger.
lot more convenient to carry, though. and little smartphone games! patton loves little smartphone games.
“bud or maisie?” patton asks, as virgil, smiling, leans forward, elbows on the counter. “i’m guessing maisie.”
“maisie.”
“ha! i got it!” patton crows, before leaning forward; virgil, who he is maybe in the midst of accidentally pavlov’ing, leans the rest of the way to give patton a little greeting kiss.
“maisie wants me to bring my handsome young man back over pretty soon,” virgil says.
patton grins. he likes bud and maisie quite a bit; he’s pretty pleased that they like him back.
“she and bud say hello.”
“well, i say hello back,” patton declares, despite the fact that virgil would probably have to call them back to pass on this news. it’s in the spirit of the thing.
“how was work?”
“oh, same old, same old,” patton says vaguely, “except i think one of the kid guests is trying to smuggle one of our squirrels into the hotel so they can smuggle it back home in their luggage.”
virgil considers this. “i don’t know what to do with that.”
“yeah, me either,” patton agrees. “logan never really got into the let’s adopt this animal phase beyond, like, frogs.”
“ah, i remember reptile phase,” virgil says. “made it a lot easier that you lived by their natural habitat, though. i don’t think this girl can do that unless she convinces her parents to move here.”
“i don’t blame her, though. we’ve got a pretty good squirrel population. very fuzzy, very fat, very prone to posing for pictures.”
“true,” virgil says. “we have very handsome squirrels here. good representatives to stick on a wildlife brochure. i don’t know how taylor is behind this, but i think taylor is behind this.”
“you and logan think taylor’s behind everything.”
“he is, but continue.”
“well—i don’t think tipping off the parents that their child is planning to abduct the local wildlife is really in my job description, considering she’s been pretty vocal about our squirrels, but i told the landscapers to keep an eye out for it.”
“probably for the best,” virgil agrees.
“speaking of photogenic,” patton says, and he waggles his eyebrows. “do you have your fancy black tail outfit all sorted out?”
virgil groans—half joke, half real disdain for the stuffy uncomfortableness of it all—and rests his elbows on the counter, leaning forward. “do i have to?”
“probably not,” patton says, practical, “considering all the kids are flouting dress codes anyway.”
virgil freezes.
patton grins. “did i just now bring that to your attention?” this strikes patton as particularly ironic, considering virgil’s outfit today; a dark, silky purple button-down tucked into a breezy black maxi skirt, his eyes rimmed with black and his lips painted with burgundy to match.
virgil drops his forehead onto his arms, whining “i could have just not bought a fancy suit?!” into the counter.
“aw, poor virgil,” patton says, running his fingers through his impressively silky hair, then, “...how fancy?”
“very!” virgil grumbles, not moving. “i bought a tailored coat with and without tails because i couldn’t remember which i needed, patton! i have two fancy suit coats i don’t need now!”
“how many fancy suit coats did you have before?” patton says, curious; he thinks he’s only ever seen virgil in suits at weddings, exclusively. photographs of virgil’s siblings’ weddings—patton only ever attended one of the three, though wyatt’s triad is rapidly approaching common law marriage length of relationship had their home state allowed such—and weddings of the general townsfolk, who frequently invite him to fancy events like that since virgil’s the face and name of a town staple and all.
“one!” virgil wails. “i’ve tripled my fancy suit coat collection! how often am i going to be wearing fancy suits?!”
“well—”
“the dry cleaning is a nightmare, patton. i never remember to drop things off at dry cleaning, and then i never remember to pick them up.”
“that i know,” patton says, amused, carding his fingers this way and that through virgil’s hair. “i’m surprised you only had one suit.”
“you have to do business-y things more than me,” virgil says.
“that’s true,” patton says. in addition to weddings—the inn being a popular venue, and patton also being part of a town staple—patton also has much more frequent meetings, bank conferences, the occasional conference for inn owners that maria usually enthuses about, and general tasks that he has to do for his business degree (so close to finishing! patton really does not enjoy studying macro or microeconomics!)
virgil, on the other hand, usually only has bank meetings on the roster. suits in a diner kitchen kind of seemed like a nightmare waiting to happen.
“besides, you’ve got some fancy events coming up other than this, it’ll be nice to have spares,” patton points out—the boys’ graduation within the next couple of years, a fancy dinner or party that patton’s certain his parents will take them both to at one point or another, not to mention the Big Deal Life Events of virgil’s many nieces and nephews.
just off the top of his head, patton’s pretty sure both wes and mikey are approaching graduation from middle school, and little baby red has had murmurs of a formal christening (primarily moira’s side of the family; silas has never struck patton as particularly religious).
patton mentions this, and virgil only sighs.
“are we done sulking?” patton says, a little amused. “can i see that handsome face, partner of mine?”
“dunno,” virgil mumbles into his arms. “the scratching feels really nice. i could stay here all day.”
patton laughs, scratches a little firmer for emphasis, and says, “we could at least take this to a couch so that you can nod off while i’m doing this, i know you’ve been staying up late with dress alterations lately.”
virgil lets out a sigh of longing, which makes patton giggle, but virgil stands upright.
“there he is,” patton coos, and virgil ducks his head—not quite blushing, but certainly smiling in that shy, bashful way patton loves.
“do you have a suit?”
“oh, my mom referred me to a tailor way back when we first got the dress,” patton says with a little laugh. “i just have to pick it up.”
“probably should have guessed that,” virgil says. “of course your mom would have a tailor on speed dial.”
a tailor. with the way that his mother has her exacting specifications for anything and everything, but especially shopping and appearances in general, coupled with her tendency to immediately fire anyone who displeases her? virgil’s adorable.
“at least i only had to get the cummerbund and coat,” patton reasons, and virgil lets out a great big gust of air.
“can we revisit that whole i lay down on the couch while you scratch through my hair idea?” virgil says. “i’ll bring dinner and the hair. you’ve got couch and the hands.”
“well, how could anyone refuse that offer? it’s a date.” patton beams, and virgil leans over, pressing an imprint of burgundy lipstick into patton’s lips.
patton refuses to wipe it off.
⁂
From: [email protected]
Subject: Design edits for debutante spread
I appreciate your very prompt response in getting your designs on the flashdrive and down to the journalism lab! I’ve have a few minor edits notated on the PDF attached—mostly to switch from HEX to RGB color codes and adjustments to the margin width to best fit printing standards.
Very well done on the infographic design work—especially for a freshman! I think you may be able to progress to a more advanced course under my tutelage in your sophomore year, considering I anticipate you won’t need much help figuring out Adobe programs. I might need to ask you for pointers!
Best,
Mel Kramschissel, PhD.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Story edits for debutante spread
I’ve attached the story edits from myself and James for your convenience after our meeting earlier today. Very compelling throughline—I would like the transcripts of your interviews as soon as you can get them to me, so that we can work on ensuring it’s fact- and quality-checked before it goes to print. I appreciate your work—I’m unsure if your future goals involve journalism, but I think you have a very bright future in storycraft regardless, no matter which form it takes.
Best,
Mel Kramschissel, PhD.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Column edits for debutante spread
From: [email protected]
I’ve attached the column edits from myself and James for your convenience after our meeting earlier today. They’re mostly line edits, though I wonder if you can fit in a graph about your or Dee’s personal connections to this project, to give the story a personalized “human” element. I appreciate the citation section of the report—very thorough!—and, barring the transcript, can tell you that your work’s fact- and quality-checking is about finished. Is this how things are done at the Courant? I must commend whichever editor has instilled this habit within you, as it’s saved a great deal of time.
Lauren’s told me some about the things she’s seen as she’s been photographer of the project, and her review of the way yourself and Dee work together has been glowing. I’ll admit I was a little hesitant about the prospect of the pair of you teaming up, given the debacle last semester, but I’m pleased to see such talented minds find common ground.
I hope to see more works that you accomplish together, in whatever capacity (though I certainly would appreciate if they were for the Franklin!)
Best,
Mel Kramschissel, PhD.
From: [email protected]
Subject: Re: Debutante Spread
Hi all!
Attached is a rough draft of Poppy’s design layout with the pictures Kram and I picked included. Comments and notes appreciated. I wanted to thank you three again for having me tag along—really fun photography opportunity AND a really interesting story for the paper! Definitely sign me up if you’ve got any more ideas.
—Lauren
Subject: Potential meeting for spread tweaks
I think all the individual aspects of what the spread is so far are very promising. Would the four of you be free to meet before or after school in the coming week so that we can coordinate on reviewing final edits and the plan to cover the event itself?
Please let me know what works best on timing. Color me impressed by what you all have put together so far! The Franklin has a very bright future ahead of it with all of you taking turns manning the helm.
Best,
Mel Kramschissel, PhD.
⁂
the day starts off simply enough: wake up, brush his teeth and comb his hair, get dressed, go to the diner with dad and virgil, get ahead on some of his daily readings on the bus, walk to his locker to swap out some of his heavy textbooks to the other, then swing by mel’s desk to see if there’s anything else needed for their spread.
at least, he intends to swing by mel’s desk.
instead, logan enters the lab hallway to chaos.
it does not seem to be an exaggeration to state such a thing. francie, of puff fame, nearly knocks him off the stairs at the speed at which she’s storming past him; as he’s rounding the corner on the landing, someone is hastily shoving a copy of the jefferson into his chest then continuing their run to the nearest person with an empty hand; as he reaches the bottom of the stairs, hattie has an arm around summer, also of puff fame, murmuring to her in soft, comforting tones as she cries loudly into hattie’s shoulder.
in the midst of the lab hallway that logan was originally intending to traverse to swing by mel’s desk. there is a crowd the likes of which logan only sees at pep rallies or mandatory assemblies, many of them clutching matching copies of the jefferson, many of them elbowing each other and craning their necks to try and get a look at what lies within the great crush of people.
logan, despite his better judgment, cannot resist his own curiosity; he does not keep walking and ignoring it all. instead, he lingers, because he’s fairly certain nothing will get done in the journalism lab; the crowd’s chatter is slightly subdued, but that is because, logan thinks, in the middle of it all, there is a great deal of yelling.
“—oh, now he’s a CAVEMAN! What were you planning to do, knock me on the back of a head with a club then drag me back to your porsche—?!”
“—BROKEN UP, do you hear me—?!”
“NEVER—in all my years as headmaster—!”
logan blinks, startled, then shuffles vaguely, integrating himself into the great cloud of his navy-plaid-and-gray clad peers, so he can get some impression of what’s going on, then—
“shame,” janus says in a casual, flat tone, appearing suddenly at logan’s side as though summoned by logan’s sheer confusion. logan refuses to jump or startle.
“what is—?”
but then, as the trio shuffles forward, a parting in the crowd, and—
there’s a car.
there’s a car. blue. a honda accord, if he isn’t mistaken. sensible. reliable.
one he’s usually accustomed to seeing in the parking lot, not in the middle of the lab hallway.
in the basement of the school. granted, logan doesn’t know much about cars, but he is 100% certain that the doorways are not wide enough to allow this, let alone the presence of stairs.
logan turns to janus. “how—?”
“why do you assume i know?” janus scoffs, adjusting his cape. logan still isn’t certain how he isn’t getting daily uniform infringements; logan finds himself touching the knot of his own tie, just to ensure he’s in dress code.
“you’ve been here longer than i have, i just got here,” logan points out. “wait—doesn’t the jefferson usually publish on mondays…?”
“both true,” janus says, then, “shh, charleston might go full thermobaric. he’s been due to blow his top for ages.”
logan barely even has time to mentally recall the meaning of thermobaric—containing a charge of fuel designed to ignite and combine with oxygen present in the atmosphere to produce a prolonged explosion—before charleston resumes his rant.
“—that is IT, that’s IT! I’VE HAD IT! RIGHT TO MY OFFICE, YOU THREE, AND YOU’D BETTER PRAY THAT YOUR PARENTS ARRIVE WITH SUFFICIENT EXPLANATIONS TO KEEP YOU FROM BEING EXPELLED!”
a gasp doesn’t quite suffuse its way through the crowd, but certainly a few of the more excitable members of the student population do, and—
“OUT OF MY WAY!”
a column of students shuffles awkwardly to part the navy sea, lest they get bowled over by the headmaster (and likely given a detention for it, given the foul mood he’s in), and logan beholds
ah. unsurprising.
of course it’s tristan, duncan, and bowman at the scene of the crime.
“and that’s military school for dugray,” janus murmurs into his ear. not quietly enough; tristan’s eyes dart right to janus, glaring, clearly about to say something before charleston’s “MOVE!” gets him into motion.
“military school?” logan repeats.
“oh, sure,” janus says. “ever since the three of them got caught breaking into a locked safe of bowman senior’s, mr. dugray’s been dying for any excuse. i guess he wanted to go out with a bang.”
janus’ comment is caught by the crowd, but not by many. logan isn’t unique, it seems, for turning to the nearest familiar face to discuss the whole affair. logan hears words like cheater and plagiarism and the jefferson said flying around like a murmuration of starlings, the allegations shifting and shape-changing as easily as any flock.
logan is almost certain that, with the proliferation of gossip, the involvement of the jefferson, and the sheer number of witnesses that the number of new rumors that will crop up over the course of the school week will be dizzying in both number and any lack of logic.
mel clears her throat, loudly, from where she’s located at the end of the hallway.
“all right, everyone, show’s over!” she declares. “get to your first period, the bell’s going to ring in five minutes.”
the crowd, very slowly, begins to disperse, breaking off into duos and trios, all of them with their heads bent together, all of them talking very intently.
well-timed, logan supposes, for this meltdown to happen on the same day that the national honors society meets before school; well-timed for charleston to catch word right as the flood of early birds (most of the chilton population) were sure to hear the fallout and come along to see the fuss themselves; well-timed that this all imploded the day that tristan and his posse decided to do something stupid.
yes, logan thinks, his eyes drifting to where janus is standing, staring, at the crying girl and the one comforting her. hattie glances up from where she’s smoothing back summer’s hair, as if feeling janus’ stare.
it’s all very well-timed indeed.
hattie and janus lock eyes.
for a moment, just a moment, but logan can’t help but think—
perhaps, there’s something more than a last-minute debutante escort assignment there.
and then hattie is earnestly making a case to mel, asking for a late pass so she can escort summer to the nurse—”she can’t pay attention to class in this condition, doctor kramschissel, look at her—” and the moment almost fades.
almost.
even as he awkwardly tells mel that he’ll come back at study hall, rushes to his locker, stuffing his copy of the jefferson inside for later perusal, and makes it to his desk just in the nick of time, logan can’t quite shake the feeling that there was a bit more happening than an extremely ostentatious prank carried out with no thought to consequences.
(deep into the witching hour, janus drums his fingers idly against his desk, eyes roving over the password-protected folder hidden in the depths of his laptop, scrolling through a list of transgressions with a deeply bored expression on his face, drag-and-dropping attachments. he examines the note again, written in hattie’s elegant, sloping script.)
(“way past time i did this,” janus mutters, and resumes narrowing down his list of infractions to the most infuriating offenders, dropping each into folders labeled for summer, beth, jessica, kate, claire, kathy, mary, mr. dugray, mr. charleston, mrs. fischer, olivia who is “rumored” to be the current editor of the jefferson, and, just for the hell of it, tristan’s grandfather’s business email, scheduling them all to send should his plan a fail.)
(it does not fail. it’s embarrassingly easy to plant plots into bowman and duncan’s thick skulls.)
(janus sends a number of them from various burner accounts anyway, aided by a world-class vpn and a lack of presence in the hallways at school as he slips forgeries into their lockers, knowing that either bowman or duncan would be eager to claim credit for chaos.)
⁂
hattie: Splashy.
Dee: i’m sure i don’t know what you mean.
hattie: I guess I don’t either. hattie: It’s good that Summer found out in cold, hard proof. hattie: Even if she maybe hasn’t been iron-clad in monogamy either.
dee: scandal!
hattie: Maybe. hattie: Old news now, anyway. hattie: You might tell your new freshie friend that she’s about to have a redhead hot on her tail.
dee: oh?
hattie: Tradition. You know how it gets.
dee: that i do.
hattie: Do you have a ride to the ball? Mother’s insisting I get there early to stake out the best spot in the dressing room.
dee: yes, that’s handled. do they know?
hattie: My parents? They know some. I already had a formal debut last year, I think they’re just pleased I’m not pulling a Libby Dotie.
dee: debut number five this year, isn’t it?
hattie: Poor thing went right after Pukey last time. Shame that Eileen couldn’t hold her booze.
dee: a real shame indeed. midori sour is a real choice for her first blackout.
hattie: Her chances of living that down are absolutely nonexistent.
dee: you can say that again
hattie: Any chance you’ll send me some of that interesting info that didn’t make the cut for some fun reading right before the escorting…? Since we’re talking about nonexistent.
dee: i’m sure i don’t know what you’re implying about nonexistence dee: how IS dear “beau” anyway?
hattie: See you thereeee
⁂
“oh, wow!”
“i guess they paid a mechanic to do it,” logan says, “which makes a great deal of sense—none of them strike me as the sort to gain any sort of practical knowledge.”
“yeah, i’d bet,” patton says, then, shaking his head, “wow. never in all my days at chilton did someone pull a prank that elaborate. so—did it ever come out what the punishment is?!”
“tristan’s dad pulled him out of school and put him into military school, effective immediately.”
“wow.”
“—i think duncan and bowman got away with suspension, which makes sense. they’re not exactly mastermind sorts. if you passed by charleston’s office at any point that morning, though, you could definitely hear a lot of parental yelling, so i’m sure that it’ll be an extended punishment. maybe another entry for military school—apparently the three of them already broke into a safe of mr. bowman’s, so he was very loudly angry.”
“gosh, i couldn’t imagine,” patton tsks, shaking his head. he glances to make sure no one is waiting on them at this stop sign—they aren’t—and reaches over to squeeze logan’s arm. “have i told you how lucky i am to have you as a kid lately?”
“yes,” logan mutters.
“well, i am,” patton says, pressing on the gas pedal and trundling along. “never has the thought of military school ever had to cross my mind. at least i know that whenever you get up to trouble, it’s good trouble that i can be proud of, like this deal with helping out dee—”
“dad,” logan complains, looking quietly, shyly pleased nonetheless.
“oh, wait!” patton realizes, half-turning to look at him. “all three of them were in the debutante deal, are they—?”
“all kicked out,” logan says firmly. “if not by the society, then probably by their parents, and definitely by dee and i. we’re hunting for last-minute debutantes for some of the escorts—we’re going to have to see how that goes, or maybe just scrap their involvement.”
“it’s a shame that three of the girls won’t be able to join in because their classmates were knuckleheads,” patton says, then, quickly, “don’t tell anyone i called them that.”
“knuckleheads?” logan says, arching an eyebrow. “i think we’re safe from any scandal there. there are several demonstrably worse things you could have said—they’d know, they probably got a lot of them screamed at them from a combination of parents, teachers, and girls tristan has apparently wronged.”
“still,” patton says, as he pulls into the driveway of the elder sanders’ manor. “gosh. poor mr. mccaffey.”
“he’s taken next week for vacation, dee says.”
“he deserves to—his car just got stolen, practically!—grandma might ask you about it, she’s bridge buddies with bitty charleston.”
“i’m sure it was the cause of a great deal of conversation,” logan agrees, unbuckling his seatbelt. “it certainly has been for the student body.”
“a car,” patton repeats. “how long did it take them to, y’know—?”
patton mimes unscrewing a bolt in the air.
“parts of it are still there.”
patton stifles his laughter as they approach the front door and knock.
the first words out of his mother’s mouth are “you simply must tell me this business about the car, logan!”
“told you,” patton says in an undertone, then, “hi, mom, it’s great to see you too!”
“oh, hush,” emily says dismissively, stepping aside and waving them in. “you’ve had three days to hear all the sordid details secondhand.”
“firsthand,” logan says quietly.
“what was that?” emily says, already leading them to the drink cart.
“firsthand,” logan says, slightly louder. “i missed the beginning of it, but i was there.”
“oh, excellent,” emily says gleefully, then, “richard, put down the paper, logan’s here and he saw the car!”
“what car?” richard says mildly, folding down a corner of the paper, then, “ah, logan, patton! wonderful to see you, won’t you sit?”
“hi, dad,” patton says, settling onto his usual spot on the couch. “how was frankfurt? any sightseeing?”
“i stayed in a conference room a mile from the airport the whole time,” richard says ruefully. “i could have been in new york or shanghai, and i wouldn't have known the difference.”
“wine, soda,” emily says, pushing a glass into patton’s hands (“oh!”) and then logan’s with a sort of fervor typically reserved for new collections from her favorite fashion designers, rushing to sit at her typical place and eagerly smoothing her skirt over her knees.
she leans forward, eyes bright with gossip she could use to lord over fellow chilton grandmothers. “now, logan, tell me everything, bitty was being quite coy with the details.”
“what details?” richard says, and emily scoffs.
“oh, richard, i told you this earlier! the situation with bertram’s boy—?”
“oh—a transfer to military school in north carolina, wasn’t it?” richard says with a general air of puzzlement.
“men,” emily tuts. “none of you remember the most pressing details. that trait’s certainly skipped a couple generations for our resident journalist—from the beginning now, logan, if you please.”
logan’s straightened up slightly at the mention of our resident journalist, and he clears his throat.
“i missed the beginning, of course,” he says, “though i’d imagine everyone except for bowman, duncan, tristan, and the mechanic they’d hired did too, considering they did most of it under the cover of night…”
even if patton didn’t have the general sense of this logan’s entire life since he’d learn to read and write, he reflects, it’s always wonderful to receive a reminder that logan was, first and foremost, a gifted storyteller, and two, that he was wholeheartedly chasing after a career that he loved—and three, that those things overlapped.
patton had gotten the general rundown over the past couple days, it was true, but it was one thing to hear the ebb and flow of various reports (procured primarily from dee, who had quite an ear for that kind of thing, it seemed) and another to hear it as one smooth, cohesive narrative with a rapt audience.
though patton and his parents have, obviously, had some difficulties, he can never find fault with how much they adore and treasure logan. this is all the more apparent in how they handle listening to logan’s tale: they gasp in all the right places; they come in with “no!”s and “well, i never!” at all the points that call for it; richard even digs for a pen and paper so he can jot down questions he has as logan talks, ticking them off as logan continues the story.
it carries them all the way through the salad course, logan seeming to enjoy his enthralled audience, painstakingly accurate, citing sources where he can, and even dipping into what is, perhaps, a real-life journalistic no-no but something patton has seen in countless tv shows and movies: “now, this is off the record, of course, and unconfirmed at that, but dee heard…”
this also means that some of the details that logan had either glazed over or patton must have missed take place in a new sort of limelight; the car, the breakups, the expulsion, all of it painted in lurid, scandalous detail (much to the delight of his mother who will, patton knows, be gossiping about this with her bridge group next week.)
and—though patton’s pretty sure most chilton parents aren’t supposed to know about its existence unless they, like him, are alums—logan doesn’t mention the coincidental social explosion ignited by the special edition of the jefferson’s publication to his grandparents, but he had mentioned it to patton.
coincidentally, all of this on the same day.
“wow,” patton says, casual, as he stabs at the endives with a fork. “seems like a pretty big blowout to happen all on coincidence, huh?”
logan glances up at him. patton twists his mouth to one side: you don’t think it’s a coincidence, do you? he tries to impart.
“no one knows for sure,” logan says, noncommittal in tone, but meeting patton’s eyes.
“seems like those boys weren’t very careful with not getting caught,” patton says, a lift of the shoulder, an even more significant look: unless someone tipped the scales against them?
“it seems like it, but. no one knows for sure,” logan repeats, with a slight twitch of his eyebrow that reads, to patton, as but i sure have my suspicions.
“huh,” patton says lightly, arching his eyebrows at logan in a way that he hopes imparts i certainly have some guesses too.
“regardless,” logan says swiftly, “rest assured, grandma, that if the dar doesn’t have them taken out of the debutante ball for their behavior, the rest of us will.”
“as you should,” his grandmother says with a firm nod in logan’s direction. “no room for hooliganism in the dar.”
patton hides a laugh as a cough into his napkin.
“the dar?” richard says mildly. “logan, what’s all this about the debutante ball? are you escorting a young lady?”
patton swivels to look at emily.
“oh, goodness, i did forget to tell you in all the excitement,” emily says. “richard, logan and dee slange have taken it upon themselves to do a demonstration at the debutante ball this year.”
“a young lady is escorting me,” logan clarifies, then, glancing between his grandparents, “i don’t suppose you know the mcmasters? their daughter poppy is my escort.”
“poppy, poppy…” richard says, frowning.
“coppelia,” logan elaborates.
“is it really?” emily says, blinking. “that’s… unique.”
“you see why she goes by poppy,” logan says. “she’s a freshman this year.”
“oh, yes,” emily says. “we certainly know the mcmasters. richard, you remember…”
“oh?” he says, then eyes widening, “oh. yes, i remember the mcmasters. their daughter is… ah…”
he looks to emily for help.
“poppy is very driven,” logan says diplomatically. “she’s already gunning for an editorial position at the paper. we’re all doing a feature spread in the franklin together for the event, as a matter of fact—myself, dee, and poppy, i mean, along with the help of a junior.”
“are you really!” emily says.
“dr. kramschissel said the franklin has a very bright future ahead of it with the three of them manning the helm,” patton says proudly, then, leaning forward, “you know, she’s implied that logan’s first in line for editor in chief senior year.”
“dad,” logan complains, a little smile on the face nonetheless.
“well, of course he is!” emily declares. “a very fine show of initiative. she’d be a fool not to pick you, given your long history. you probably have the most experience in a newsroom of anyone your age who’s gone through the chilton journalism system.”
“you’ll make sure we get a copy or two of that edition,” richard says firmly.
“of course,” logan says, smiling. “we put in final edits just today—i’ll bring it next week.”
“a demonstration, you said?” richard says.
“oh, sure,” logan says, in a very casual tone. “grandma’s very generously given me what was to be dad’s debutante dress. a great deal of us boys are going to be debuted into society.”
richard puts his fork down. patton waits with bated breath.
“debuted?”
“yes,” logan says.
“how many of you?” richard says.
“current count—well, it was 46 before the car debacle, but it might be 43 now. or 40, depending.”
“40 young men in fluffy white dresses are to descend on the dar?”
“well,” logan says, frankly, “about twenty young men. there are some nonbinary people too. and roughly the other half of them are girls in suits.”
richard stares. and stares.
logan tilts up his chin.
and then richard breaks into chuckles.
“a hostile takeover of the debutante!” he hoots. “oh, i wondered if a crop of mischief would pop up in you, young man! some of my fondest memories of my time at yale are banding together with my friends to cause some trouble. well, that and performing with the whiffenpoofs, of course. these things make your high school and collegiate experience, you know.”
“they do?” logan says blankly.
“you’re young and full of energy!” richard exclaims. “this is your time—it certainly was for me. every day was at yale an adventure, no challenge was too great. we wanted to change the world. i have some experience with clothes-based protest too, you know.”
patton’s never heard about this. “you have?”
“certainly,” richard says. “i, and a group of like-minded young men decided to protest the new dress code—oh, it was my sophomore year at yale. we wore silk ties and nothing else.”
patton squeaks, trying not to cover his ears with his hands like a child.
“we were written up by the dean of admissions and threatened with expulsion. we were also suddenly very popular with the ladies.”
patton has the sudden and horrifying realization that one of those ladies might have been either his almost-mother, pennilyn lott, or had an equal chance of being his actual mother.
“ah, yes.” emily huffs. “this is exactly the kind of conversation I had hoped we would have with our son and grandson. what a pleasant family dinner conversation!”
“i was naked for an entire month,” richard says to logan. “a night full of men in dresses does not come near as close, of course, but i’d argue the amount of red tape you had to cut and the number of participants might push you over the top of that particular stunt!”
“wow,” logan says, blinking.
patton understands how he feels. his business-loving father, whose grand excitements seemed to be traveling for work, reading the newspaper, and undertaking new deals, a prankster. would wonders never cease.
(there is a small part of him that wonders if maybe—just maybe—if he had been born a boy, if richard would have been much more forgiving for patton’s own wild teenaged transgressions.)
“this roommate of mine in sophomore year at yale—we absolutely hated him,” richard says, leaning back in his chair, clearly lost in memory. “he was a complete nincompoop. so one night, we tied him between two mattresses and threw him out the window.”
“dad!” patton says, horrified.
“oh, he was fine,” richard says dismissively. “he went to sleep, woke up in the morning, and picked up right where he left off.”
patton puts his face in his hands.
“we wound up throwing him out the window every night for a month, and then he transferred.”
“well, do you think you guys tossing him out the window on a regular basis had something to do with that decision?” patton says, incredulous.
“well, it crossed our minds, yes.”
“so you guys have tickets for entry to the event, yes?” logan intercedes, looking to emily.
“it’s one way to see my descendants debut,” emily says.
patton shrugs, not rising to any bait. “it’ll be nice to escort him.”
“not christopher?” emily asks, but she’s cut off as richard says “ah! you’re in on it?” at the same time.
“a lot of the parents are,” patton says, “then, well, a lot of the sideshire parents are. i’m not quite as close with the chilton parents, of course.”
“we wouldn’t miss it for the world,” richard declares, then, with a big, goofy smile, “my grandson, the mastermind!”
“co-mastermind, really,” logan says. “dee slange was involved too.”
richard blinks, this time setting down his fork. “julian is in on this?”
“well,” logan hedges, higher-pitched. “define ‘in on this.’”
“he fully knows what’s going on, and he agreed?” richard says.
“oh,” logan says. “erm—no.”
“definitely not as much as me, at the very least,” patton says.
“gutsy,” richard comments.
“maybe you could help talk him over,” patton says delicately. “from what i remember of julian, he wasn’t exactly… jokey.”
“no.”
“certainly not,” emily says, almost overlapping her husband.
“maybe you could intercede?” patton says. “point out all the good a bit of trouble does for a boy their age. uh—after the event, of course. don’t want to ruin the surprise.”
“yes,” richard says thoughtfully. “yes, perhaps i will. it’s about time julian cut loose.”
that’s one way to put it, patton thinks.
“i can’t wait to see the looks on everyone’s faces,” richard says, perhaps the most excited that patton’s ever seen him for an event put on by the daughters of the american revolution.
well, patton thinks. this is probably the best way that richard could have taken it.
even if it does mean that logan, patton, and emily spend the rest of dinner hearing richard monologue about The Good Old Days back at yale, and patton learns a bit more about his father’s particular brand of young-adult mischief that he, perhaps, shouldn’t have ever heard in the first place.
⁂
roman’s elbow-deep into rearranging his travel makeup bag. it is, generally speaking, where he keeps a lot of his makeup storage, so it’s kind of a mess after spending a lot of time simply dumping the products back in there because he’s running late, only sparing time to remove and wash his brushes and sponges.
it is very much a mess.
he hears a gentle tap against the door.
he glances up; though it’s barely past eight, his mother is already dressed for bed. her hair is damp, still drying from the post-lessons shower she’d taken, free from its typical bun. she’s in an old, too-big t-shirt advertising the ballets russes (from dimitri, probably) and a pair of sweatpants cut into shorts. she completes the ensemble with a pair of fuzzy socks and her feet in a pair of orthopedic-friendly slippers (his mother is, understandably, very conscious of foot health).
his mother is deeply devoted to her rituals and routines; he knows what she’ll ask even before she says it.
“tea?”
“yes, please,” roman decides, setting aside two different bottles of foundation to be decided later, picking up a few press-on nails, his own pair of fuzzy socks, and a tub of aquaphor, and plods after his mother, heading for the kitchen.
his mother goes about filling up the kettle (an old-style bright red one, the kind you set on a stove, not like the sleek black electric one that virgil has) and turning the stove on as roman pulls out two mugs. he decides on a large, maroon stoneware mug for her, speckled with white, and an equally gigantic ceramic red mug for himself.
“which would you like?” his mother asks, accepting the mug that he hands to her. she’s already pulled out her favored loose leaf herbal chamomile, beginning to scoop it into a infuser; roman notes that it’s the one he got her for mother’s day a couple years ago. he scoots around her to peruse his options.
his mother’s tea supply surpasses remy’s café in terms of selection and variety; roman thinks tea might be the only thing he’s ever seen his mother spontaneously shop for in the same way roman shops for clothes, or makeup, or jewelry, or little treats, or—
“this one,” he decides, pulling out a blend that promotes good sleep—spearmint, lemongrass, chamomile.
roman hops onto one of the barstools, opening up his tub of aquaphor and doing as his mother almost certainly has: absolutely slathering his feet in healing ointment. he’s aggressively earned these dancer’s calluses, but dang it, he can lessen some of the effects; therefore, absorbing aquaphor overnight, with the aid of fuzzy socks.
“how are your hamstrings?” she asks. “less tight?”
“definitely,” roman says, shifting his barstool so he’s able to more easily multitask between keeping eye contact with his mother and caring for his feet. “typical cure—”
“stretch and hydrate,” they say simultaneously.
“very good,” his mother continues. “hot and cold therapy?”
“i used the heated blanket a little bit,” roman says. roman and his mother love those things; roman simply plugs it in and becomes the warmest burrito of his dreams. bigger than a traditional heating pad and more flexible, which means he can just wrap it around whatever body part that needs heat. roman’s pretty sure they have six between them. he could probably just mummify himself on a day where he was really achy.
“be sure to rest this weekend after the ball,” his mother says. “i don’t want you straining anything.”
“i will,” roman promises, pulling on one sock and setting about massaging ointment into the other foot. he should probably start making a dent in that english essay anyway; even though he’d definitely prefer to spend the rest of his weekend reading something that he’s interested in, not something assigned to him.
his mother nods.
“a lot of your classmates are going too,” she notes.
roman smiles a bit, despite himself. on the whole, his gaggle of classmates at the prince family studio were what he imagined it to be like to have a flock of sisters: chatty, hogging the bathroom, annoying and endearing in equal measure, occasionally awkward, but fierce and funny and beautiful, all of them clever in their own ways, all of them deeply capable dancers.
not that he’d know what it was like to have a sister, of course. roman had contented himself with being an only child long ago.
“it’ll be fun,” roman says. “at the very least, we know who’ll be hogging the dance floor all night.”
they share a smile. his mother had chaperoned the sideshire homecoming in the fall, and she’d spent a 33% of the night fielding hi, ms. prince!s from her students, 33% watching in vague bemusement as they danced to trends she’d lost track of long ago, 33% feeling proud as all of them had monopolized the innermost circle of the dance floor with the confidence she strove to teach them, and 1% fighting the urge to go over and correct their form.
roman gestures with his chin toward the three packs of press-on nails: a classic french manicure, white nails with a red floral design, and a bright blue chrome.
“help me pick? i’ve been driving myself nuts over it. all of them would work, but i just need to decide and go for it.”
his mother hums, examining them. “remind me of the makeup you settled on?”
“classic eighties, to match the dress,” he says. “bright blue eyeshadow, red lip, generally very sparkly and,” he makes a pow! i’m here! hand gesture.
“well, french manicures are very classic,” his mother says thoughtfully, “but—” the kettle begins to whistle. roman, hastily, pulls on his other sock and goes to wash the excess aquaphor off of his hands before he does anything else.
they are waylaid by the pouring of boiling, steaming water, the distribution of milk and/or honey, the procurement of snacks (his mother favors savory foods more often than not, so she puts together a plate of crackers, cheese, and deli meats; roman slices a couple apples with a ramekin of peanut butter for himself, with the intent to steal a bite or two from her plate) and relocating to the living room.
roman sits himself on the ground, setting his snacks on the coffee table; his mother does the same, folding her legs to butterfly position, pressing her hands down onto her knees to stretch.
he considers his options before he just decides to mimic his mother, feeling the familiar stretch through his hips. he settles his elbows on his knees, bending slightly forward and blowing on his tea.
his mother examines the nails again. “can you match these?” she asks, touching the blue chrome.
roman tilts his head, mentally calling up the exact shades of blue in his several eyeshadow palettes. “if not exactly, then close enough to look intentional.”
“i know red is your signature,” she says. roman looks at his fuzzy socks—cherry red—and hers—wine red. in the prince family, red is a neutral that goes with everything.
“but,” she continues, “they fit a certain level of garishness that matches your dress.”
roman nods, setting them aside; he’ll glue them on in the morning. honestly, he’s a bit pleased he can keep the floral red for another occasion. a fancy date with logan, maybe?
“is that the last detail handled?” his mother says.
“it should be,” he says. “well—i was sorting through my makeup bag, but it’s more of an organization thing than anything else.”
“dress packed?” his mother checks. “shoes, accessories, wig and hair supplies?”
“yes, yes, yes,” roman says dutifully.
“then—that’s your last of prep for tomorrow?”
“just about,” roman says.
“good,” she says. “i suppose many of the last-minute details shall be left to logan and dee.”
roman’s lip curls reflexively. the thought of logan and dee, working together, agreeing on things, brainstorming together and coordinating any last minute hiccups. as if they were a team.
“what was that face,” his mother says. her voice is flat, with no edge of scolding or reproach. just genuine curiosity.
roman’s lips twist as he removes the infuser out of his tea, deeming it well-enough steeped. he stirs his cup absently.
“i just…” roman gesticulates vaguely. “what did you think of dee?”
if his mother thinks that’s an odd response, she doesn’t let on. she stacks her makeshift charcuterie—club cracker, slice of cheddar, sliced chicken from the deli—and sets it aside before she goes about formulating other sandwiches. club cracker, mozzarella, turkey breast.
“i didn’t have much opportunity to speak to him,” she says. cracker, cheddar, turkey.
“yeah, but you guys had a look,” roman says. “i saw it.”
“i suppose he seemed… a touch stand-offish,” his mother says. cracker, mozzarella, chicken.
“yes,” roman says, his and??? going unspoken.
“and, perhaps,” his mother says, then, frowning, “well, i didn’t know. that’s the troubling part.”
“dee’s very good at that,” roman mutters resentfully. “presenting himself one way, when he’s really actually the other. the thing is, logan has seen that he’s really actually the other, and yet—here they are!”
“that’s very unlike him,” his mother says, frowning. “logan has a very sound sense of judgment.”
“he does.”
“but if logan’s deemed him appropriate to plan alongside—”
roman drops his forehead to the floor, groaning.
“oh,” his mother says, awkward. roman hears crunching.
“i don’t know why!” bursts out of him.
“why… what?”
“why logan’s teaming up with him!” roman says. he looks up in time to see his mother washing down her snack with a swallow of tea.
“...roman,” she begins. “it’s entirely understandable to… feel a certain way if your boyfriend is spending time with another—”
“oh my god, i’m not jealous!” roman snaps. “why does everyone think that?!”
his mother doesn’t lecture him about volume, which is nice.
“well,” his mother says, “what is it, then?”
this is also nice—his mother, ever straightforward, ever blunt.
roman rubs his hand wearily across his forehead. “did i tell you, last fall, about logan getting punched in the face?”
“yes,” his mother says, her expression darkening; some of that remnant of anger of someone laying hands on his boyfriend roars to life in his chest again.
“i know,” roman says.
“was it that boy?”
his mother isn’t a particularly expressive person, but even any given passerby would categorize that look on her face as thunderous. his mother is very fond of logan—she’d actually told logan so—and roman knows that, over the years, logan’s courtesy and good grades and general support of roman had endeared him to her time and time and time again.
which—obviously. roman’s of the opinion that his boyfriend is one of the best people in the world. of course everyone should recognize that—feel that same protective fire pop up in their chests at any sign of anything going wrong for him, because logan deserves the world.
roman scowls, looking away. “not—technically. but!” he says hastily, “but, he’s the one who started it all. he got a detention for it and everything! louise probably never would have hit logan if he hadn’t been there urging her on!”
“why on earth…?” his mother says, sounding baffled.
“i don’t know!” roman wails. “that’s what’s getting me—i don’t get it! one second, logan’s telling me all about this terrible boy at school, and then his grandmother invites him and his grandma to lunch and apparently that’s super awkward, and then there’s the punching, and then he’s at the stuffed up birthday party logan’s grandparents threw for him, and then logan’s confronting dee and making sure he doesn’t rain on our parade at the winter dance, the next, they’re teaming up together to say ‘screw you’ to the patriarchy! i don’t know why on earth!”
his mother considers this, then pushes the plate of apples toward him, then piles the empty space on the plate with three of the charcuterie sandwiches she’s concocted. roman, grumpily, dips an apple slice in peanut butter and crunches a bit more loudly than he would in any other circumstance.
mother—much like virgil—believed very heartily in proper nutrients fueling every activity. outbursts took energy, which meant that roman should eat carbs, fats, and proteins to replenish that energy, with bonus points for foods that were particularly vitamin- or fiber-rich. roman has been told this for most of his life, only with things like dance lessons or exams or being a pain, this does not mean you’re getting a second soda, pick something substantial swapped in for outbursts as applicable.
“that makes very little sense.”
“exactly!” roman says, gesticulating at her. “thank you!”
“chew your food with your mouth closed,” she says, some automatic motherly impulse, then, “well, what’s changed?”
before roman can answer, she says, “i know you don’t know. but something must have. logan’s a very intelligent young man, and he isn’t fickle—not him, not any of his parental figures that could have persuaded him.”
patton, virgil, and probably her, roman figures. he doesn’t know much about christopher, but his reasoning definitely wouldn’t override those three.
“do you think it could be on a needs-must basis?”
roman’s mouth twists as he swallows. “maybe,” he hedges.
“but you don’t think so.”
“no,” roman says. “if it was just unavoidable, some sort of grudging alliance, he would have complained about it.” to me, he thinks.
and logan hasn’t.
“could there have been some kind of change?”
roman narrows his eyes, setting aside his honey-sweet tea. “i’m not following.”
“logan’s always struck me as very pragmatic,” she says. “ergo, there could have been some kind of event that would put more weight in dee’s favor.”
“it would have to be a pretty big change,” roman says, mind churning. as it is, that’s the likeliest of answers outside of forced partnership.
“you could ask him.”
roman sighs. “i think the fact that he hasn’t mentioned it to me already…”
“could mean nothing,” his mother says, with a shrug of a shoulder.
“big change,” he reminds her. “big.”
they both consider this, sipping their tea and eating, silent in rumination.
“have you ever dealt with something like this?” roman says, despairing. “like—some dancing partner of yours teaming up with a rival? or—?”
dad, he almost says, but he discards it as soon as the idea comes to mind. no. all he’s heard of his father is that he could be prone to his own flights of whimsy, true, but he’d always been achingly steadfast in partnership with his mother and, to a slightly lesser extent, with virgil.
she seems to see the thought flash across his face, though. her eyes flit—almost unconsciously—to an old photo of the pair of them on the wall behind him.
roman knows the one without having to look: his mother, stunning and sharp in tutu and pointe-shoed glory, clearly in the middle of telling him off about something; his father, muddy for some reason and in ripped clothes, arm thrown around her shoulder, grinning and giving a thumbs up to the camera, a slight wince on his face the only sign of whatever lecture she’d given.
but, roman thinks. but. people hadn’t necessarily liked his father. even virgil had cautioned him at how strange his father had been, that he’d done things full of mischief and occasional rebellious wrong-doing, that he’d been acquired taste. a bit like…
no. roman shakes the thought without finishing it. no way.
his mother detects it anyway.
“how have you been sleeping?” she asks delicately.
“fine,” roman mutters. he knows what she’s about to ask without her asking it, too.
whatever mental illness his father had had, the only sign of odd or strange thoughts that has ever remotely recurred in roman have been odd, vivid dreams, veering into the occasional night terror.
he has been sleeping fine, though. fitful, sure, and maybe a bit less than his mother would like, but he’s been sleeping fine. no dreams at all to speak of.
“all right,” she says placatingly.
roman stirs his tea a bit more vigorously than necessary, the spoon clanking against his mug. his mother smiles a bit.
“you didn’t answer,” roman says. “have you had a situation like this?”
“you know i haven’t,” his mother says.
“well—i know, not exactly like this,” roman says. he’s known his mother’s aromantic and asexual since he was old enough to learn the words and absorb that that’s what those little flag barrettes she wore during pride meant. no significant romantic partner of his mother’s has ever caused her strife, because she’s never had a significant romantic partner. “but—dimitri teaming up with someone and he didn’t tell you why. or something.”
his mother pauses to think. then:
“no.”
roman sighs, perhaps a bit more loudly than necessary, and dips another apple slice.
“virgil might’ve,” she says thoughtfully.
roman pauses from where he’s trying to scoop extra peanut butter onto his apple.
“yeah?”
“yes,” his mother says. “you remember silas.”
ugh.
“don’t make that face,” she scolds gently. “but—as it happens, i wouldn’t be surprised if either of them didn’t have a moment exactly like this. virgil with some friends of his, silas with your father.”
“how did that go?” roman asks.
his mother smiles. “i believe they talked about it.”
“traitor,” roman grumbles, half-joking. “i can’t believe either of you invented mind-reading technology for me to use in this specific moment.”
“you could just ask.”
“you’ve said that already.” roman says. “does no one in this apartment appreciate the fine-tuning of the delicate art that is teenaged angst and overthinking?”
“you live here,” his mother points out. “you have sufficient appreciation for the both of us.”
roman huffs. his mother tilts his head.
roman scratches his thumb against the mug.
“dee’s very charming,” he mumbles. “i mean—he managed to charm me at logan’s fancy birthday party before i knew who he was. if he’d just started off with that, instead of leading straight into villainy then pulling a 180, then i guess i’d get it a bit more. but as it is—why him? why that guy? logan likes rule-following. he likes that kind of thing. is it a ‘keep your enemies close’ thing? no,” he answers himself, “logan wouldn’t do that, he has no patience for duplicity. which makes it even more confusing, because dee seems to love duplicity, exhibit a, him being charming at emily and richard’s party—erm, mr. and mrs. sanders’ party, i mean.”
his mother hums.
“and—i don’t know. he’s off at chilton, doing great, and i’m happy he’s making friends, i seriously am, i’m not jealous, but it just. suddenly, both of us in different schools means we spend less time together, and that’s making me think about college, and, unless miracle of miracles happens and i find the perfect ivy league that has a combo of the perfect dance program and the perfect journalism program that will accept both of us that’s close to new york, we’re going to spend even less time together, and that sucks.”
his mother nods sagely, placing her right foot against her left knee, stretching to grasp her own socked foot.
“and it’s, like. why that guy? if you’re going to hang out with someone outside of school out of preference and not obligation, why the one i’ve heard the most negative things about? why the one who’s in direct competition with you? why the one that would probably have sabotaged him, given the chance? why?”
his mother remains quiet.
“say something,” roman requests desperately. “i’m asking questions here, they’re not hypotheticals.”
his mother blinks. “you were doing a good job of talking it out to yourself.”
“well, sure, but,” he gestures between them, “input. it’s mother-son time.”
there’s a pause.
“this isn’t like you,” she decides.
“what?”
“this,” she gestures at him. “indecision about what to do. it’s unlike you.”
“it’s unlike logan to consort with ne’er-do-wells,” roman sniffs.
his mother simply arches an eyebrow. roman sighs, picking up his mug, savoring the warmth it seeps against his palms.
“i don’t know,” roman says quietly. “it just—it is different for logan, to… consort with someone like this. there’s some big reason why, and i don’t know what it is, and it’s just… it’s driving me a little crazy.”
his mother politely does not say anything along the lines of i can see that or obviously.
instead, she says, “does the concept of talking to logan about this make you nervous or anxious?”
“what? no.” roman scoffs.
“it’s all right if it does,” his mother says. “i won’t think less of you or logan. it’s very normal to be a bit worried about having a big conversation in any relationship, much less one that’s been weighing heavily on your mind.”
“i’m not—”
his mother arches her eyebrows at him, and yeah, okay, roman can see how saying i’m not worried when he’s dominated the conversation obsessing over why that guy would probably come off… not great.
roman sighs, slumping his shoulders.
“fine,” he mutters. “yeah, i’m worried.”
“perfectly natural,” she says. she switches positions, placing her left foot against right knee, stretching.
“i know,” he grumbles. “i just—i don’t want to come off as that kind of boyfriend, you know what i mean?”
“no.”
fair.
“like,” roman says, drawing himself up. “why are you hanging out with that guy? hang out with this person instead, not that guy. you’re not allowed to see him. you know? like—jealous. possessive. whatever. i mean—logan was so understanding with jess. so understanding! they didn’t have a ton in common, but logan was still polite and everything.
“and i don’t want to turn right around and be like, hey, i don’t like that guy, what’s up with that? or insult his intelligence—’cause he’s way book-smarter than me—by being like, i think that guy might be manipulating his way into your life. thoughts?”
“do you think—?”
“what other explanation is there?!” roman whines, drawing there into, like, five syllables.
“and we’re back to square one,” his mother says. “all right. i see.”
roman goes about polishing off the last of the snacks.
“i still think you should talk to him,” she says. “i know you’re worried—that’s understandable. but logan isn’t going to go into this thinking the worst of you. he ought to know that you only have his best interests at heart.”
roman sighs after swallowing a mouthful of charcuterie. “i guess.”
his mother smiles slightly.
“you’re so very much our son,” she says, and roman ducks his head, trying not to flush.
“remus got any sense of propriety or caution surgically removed, to hear some tell it. and i probably wouldn’t have figured out such a careful way to put it: i probably wouldn’t have said anything at all until it got pressing. it’s difficult, i know, but i’m proud of the middle ground that you walk.”
“yeah, yeah,” roman mumbles, still pleased. our son. he felt so divided, sometimes: the face of his father, the skill of his mother, the rest of anything else him, from nowhere at all.
“you don’t have to go into it unplanned, of course,” his mother says. “text him your thoughts if that’s easier. put a pen to paper to figure out what to say and how to say it.”
“true,” roman admits.
his mother drains the last of her tea and stands.
“well,” she says. “it’s probably best for you to talk to him tonight. or early tomorrow morning, if you care to sleep on it. may as well clear the air before the ball. i’ll leave you to your thoughts?”
“sure,” he says, slowly drinks the rest of his tea, thinking. then, quietly, “thanks, mom.”
he hears his mother placing the dishes in the dishwasher, shutting off the lights in the kitchen, ensuring everything is in its proper place, before she journeys back to the main room and shuts off all the lights except for the one closest to his room—he’ll turn that off when he goes to bed.
he watches her achieve the rest of the good night routine: she plugs her phone in to charge, she nudges her shoes so they’re in line with his at the door, and then…
she detours. she walks back to him, where he still sits on their rug.
she leans over to smooth her hand over his hair.
“goodnight, mijo. dulces sueños.”
“dulces sueños, mami,” he says.
and then she just… goes to her room.
she’s left the front door unlocked. she’d simply nodded to him, went to her room, and closed the door, almost like…
wait.
does she…?
no. there’s no way.
his curfew-issuing, sleep-adoring, routine-oriented-to-a-fault mother? roman would have gotten grounded, like, ten years ago for ten years if she actually knew how often he snuck out to the gazebo to talk to logan.
yeah. no way she knows that he sneaks out.
⁂
“hey.”
“hey! sorry if i responded late—we were squaring away escorts for the ladies. turns out some sideshire kids decided to join last-minute, so we should be all even. no idea what they’re doing for dresses, but it’s in their hands now, i suppose.”
“no, that’s all good—c’mere, it’s still a bit chilly out.”
“of course.”
…
“so, what did you want to talk about?”
“oh, right. um—may as well just come out and say it, i guess.”
“...sure?”
“what’s up with teaming up with dee?”
“...ah.”
“i mean—i guess i just don’t really get it? i’ve been trying to figure it out, and i can’t. like—one second, he’s getting someone to punch you in the face, the next, you guys are architecting this plot to go after the daughters of the american revolution.”
“no, i—i understand. it must seem jarring from the outside.”
“...so?”
“...”
“um. admittedly, i find your renewed and increased friendship with dee very confusing. the things i’ve heard about him have, generally, been pretty bad—for example, the punching incident, your birthday party at your grandparents’, and the winter formal. ”
“...are those notes…?”
“shh. you’ve never particularly struck me as the kind of person to simply be friends with someone for the sake of making life easier: my mom says you’ve always struck her as very pragmatic, and i agree. it makes me think that something in your relationship with dee has changed, because otherwise, i find myself… well, deeply confused and honestly a little worried that dee might be up to something again.”
“you talked about this with your mom?”
“well—i didn’t, like, set out to do that, but yeah. she suggested that i just talk to you about it, since you’d know that i have your best interests at heart, and that you have your reasons ‘cause you’re so smart, and also maybe write down what i wanted to say so i didn’t come off like a huge controlling jackass.”
“she said that?”
“not that last bit—i’m editorializing.”
“that’s—huh. okay… um. how do i phrase this.”
“…”
“i’m sorry, i’m walking an awkward line of secrecy here.”
“how secret? secret, like, jo posner’s first kiss, or secret, like, secret-secret.”
“secret-secret.”
“...oh.”
“but i still want to—communicate.”
“right. um… is there a little loophole you can thread here?”
“like what?”
“like… i dunno. i know they aren’t your strong suit, but a metaphor? or a comparison to something else that’s happened in our general lives?”
“like what?”
“well, i don’t know, logan. that’s kind of why we’re here.”
“right. yes. um… let me think.”
“sure. take your time. if it’s secret-secret, i promise i’ll keep it, but even then, i get not wanting to say anything. like—”
“oh! oh, i remember!”
“...remember…?”
“back in eighth grade, when you had elliott over to that sleepover, and elliott told you about how they were feeling regarding their identity, but to keep it secret double-pinky-promise even from me?”
“yeah, of course.”
“and they didn’t come out until the middle of last year?”
“right.”
“...i find a lot of parallels to then.”
“oh.”
“yeah.”
“oh—okay. i see.”
“it’s not one-to-one. as a matter of fact, there’s more to it. this is the part i feel most comfortable disclosing, since that part is generally a jo posner’s first kiss level of open secret at chilton.”
“sure.”
“but—”
“i get it. there’s more. okay. that… huh. okay.”
“right.”
“i guess i can see it. the cape should have tipped me off. have you told… anyone else? about the things outside the parallels?”
“no—no one. not even dad.”
“really?”
“really. well—he might know part of it, so maybe that doesn’t count, or dee might have told him more, but. really. not even dad.”
“...you said…. even more?”
“i’m very glad no one in our lives has parallelism to this that i can apply here.”
“...me too, i guess?”
“trust me—you are.”
“okay. i will. i do trust you. you know that, right?”
“of course i do. i trust you too.”
“okay. good. good. i didn’t want it to come off like i didn’t trust your judgment or something. you were so understanding with jess, i wanted to extend the same thing—”
“—we’re not—”
“—i know it’s not a one-to-one. trust me, we’d have a lot more to talk about if it was any kind of romantic scenario. there’d be yelling. i know it’s not. i’m just saying: you and jess didn’t have a lot in common, but you were still decent to him because you knew i wanted to… associate with him. i want to do the same for you.”
“right. of course. i—well, frankly, i hadn’t really considered your point of view. i can see how it would be strange from the outside perspective. i’m sorry i didn’t think of it.”
“you’ve had a lot going on.”
“sure, but still. i should have looped you in as much as i could.”
“well, i appreciate that. thank you.”
“and thank you for bringing it up.”
“this is very mature of us.”
“i know.”
“for teenagers, and all.”
“and for my first romantic relationship.”
“i’m more used to bickering. this is weird.”
“definitely.”
“...wanna make out?”
“say no more.”
find the next half of this chapter here!
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So your take is insane! Before anything else your arguments are terrible you are not referencing any official media you are just referencing your own biased work and one out of context photo from the game.
I have to say that I appreciate your choice to open your response with a slew of insults. Really sets the stage for a productive conversation.
Exactly what kind of official media am I supposed to be referencing in this case, if you don't mind me asking? Omocat's left toe?
"biased work" Classy. Is it biased because you don't agree with it? XD
The both of them are grabbing each other in this photo as you can see.
I can't see shit, actually. The photo is too blurry to see anything. What other sources for your claim do you have aside from a blurry photo? :)
The datamined captions for the Truth photos would've noted that she grabbed him if that actually was the intent. All she is said and seen to have done in the caption for Photo of a Fight and in the photo itself is blocking his path to the staircase's narrow passageway with her body and yelling at him.
Funny how quick Sunny is to interpret her scolding as a "fight", eh?
like when you’re restrained, you will fight back.
As I have explained above, it's not indicated that he was restrained.
I've explained that in the first post I linked ro in my response. Perhaps you would've kept that in mind had you bothered to read it.
he did not know what would happen if she fell,
Are you seriously insinuating Sunny's so stupid that he wouldn't know falling from a big height would be bad for the person who fell? lmao
He nearly died when he fell from a big height into the lake. That's why he has his fear of heights in the first place.
Because he is 12 and that is his sister and he loved her more than anything.
And yet he felt at peace when he saw her desecrated corpse.
That, interestingly enough, is a point of mine you didn't address.
Is this consistent pattern of assholery your referencing able to be explained by him being shy,
1) There's a difference between having trouble finding the right words and walking out on people while they're having a breakdown.
2) "Able to be excused" is a better way to phrase it. That's what you're doing, anyway.
him trying to repress his trauma,
Trauma is not an excuse for assholery either. That's pretty much what the game tries to say via Aubrey - her big rant near the stump on One Day Left has her admit the trauma of Mari's death was the reason she was an asshole to her friends and resolve to be better.
Judging by the fact you (and most of the fans) still readily use trauma as a defense, however, I think it's reasonable to assume the game has failed to communicate the message.
or a reaction to the immense pressure his sister put him under,
"Mari was mean!" is not a valid argument because the game only tells you she was without showing it throughout its runtime.
Quick development fact! Up until you’re about 25 you do not make decisions with the logical part of your brain basically at all!
The "fact" you're using as an argument is pop-culture psychology and has been disproven by clinical professionals. Despite that, it has been also used as an argument to prevent trans teens from transitioning.
This is not the defense you think it is.
(really weird of you to persecute this 12 year old like that but I digress)
1) You're talking about Sunny as if you're defending a real child. He's a fictional character. That means I'll talk about him however l please.
2) Sunny's age ceased to be a mitigating circumstance the instant he - and I have to emphasize that - felt at peace upon seeing his sister's desecrated corpse.
[it's] something he clearly regrets, that regret fuels the whole game.
He never does anything with it, though. It doesn't compel him to be a better friend to the group now that he has a chance to reconnect with them.
As for Jimmy, it seems that you've missed my point and took it as me arguing that he wasn't thinking clearly when he did what he did. What I was saying is that Jimmy's mindset is "irrational" in the sense he still believes he's always in the right and can fix everything even when it is clear the only thing he's doing is making shit worse. Thus, most of the decisions he makes are also influenced by his "irrational" mindset he's the "hero" of the story. At least, that's how I saw it.
lied to everyone about who had done it and what had happened because curly couldn’t defend his case,
Like Sunny lied about the cause of Mari's death to his friends to cover his own ass? :)
actively mocks and hedumanizes everyone on the ship due to his egoist and selfish nature
Because making your friends' pain - the pain you were responsible for - all about yourself is not selfish at all!
I do not see how you view this prepubescent child, and a monster with a horrific record of this behaviour who does nothing but continue it on the same regard
1) The logic I used to make my argument was yours.
2) Sunny's got a record too. I linked to it.
The only difference between those two is that you're willing to excuse Sunny's behavior.
Sunny is forgivable because he was a child who was not in a good rational mindset and made an impulsive decision with much more dire consequences than anticipated
Jimmy is not forgivable because he was an adult who had to make several conscious decisions to do what he did and does nothing but repeat his horrible behaviour
Both games are about forgiveness but two completely different ends of that spectrum. Omori is about how forgiveness can be healing and help those recover, and mouthwashing is about how sometimes forgiveness does nothing but enable horrible people to continue their abusive behaviour
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You just don't think antis are a problem because they're not in your fandoms. Once they start making posts with thousands of likes accusing you of being a pedophile and threatening to find out where you live and work so they can report your pedophilic tendencies because you ship teenagers (shounen characters), you'll start caring very quickly. Not in favour of that happening to you? Cool, you're a proshipper.
The fuck
#just woke up to get a glass of water#checked my phone and saw this#took me a whole minute to figure out what was going on lmao#it’s way too early to argue and also I don’t care enough at five in the morning#I just want to ask since when the fuck does teen wolf not have antis#holy shit the amount of antis in this fandom even years after the dumb show is over#but anyway I think you’re missing the point#there shouldn’t be proshippers or antis cuz it’s so pointless#pretty sure that’s what op meant#and nobody should care so much about it that they’re attacking ppl over it like you said#cuz don’t like don’t read is like basic decency and common sense#and most ppl have a lot more real life problems to deal with#than caring about what someone else thinks about character A going down on character B or whatever the problem is#but literally nobody is saying antis aren't a problem#we're actually saying antis are ridiculous for making such a big deal about sth that really doesn't matter in the greater scheme of things#that’s my 5am contribution I’m going back to bed
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something I’ve been thinking abt is how many people think Makoto is immune to despair. I don’t think he is. I think becoming the ultimate Hope was BECAUSE he felt despair. He wouldn’t have fully reached that point without Junko. Makoto becoming such a beacon was his last attempt to avoid completely falling and it wasn’t because he didn’t feel despair, it was because he was too damn stubborn to allow everything to go to waste and he refused to sacrifice his beliefs for someone else’s. His inner monologue tells me he DID experience the same new low the other suvivors did in the final trial, but at the point where he had the choice to give up and die, he looked at the others and he looked at Junko and he couldn’t allow it to happen, not out of self preservation, but because the idea that Junko would have control over their lives made him FURIOUS. and that utter refusal to die kicked in, wether luck or otherwise, and he made the concious effort for one last push while something in him was breaking. He had to be broken in order for the Ultimate Hope to come through so aggressively, bc it could only exist in the face of the Ultimate Despair. He snapped the same way she did, but in the other direction. In what could have been his final moments he chose to embody everything Junko wasn’t, and every single optimistic and luck fueled ideal in him suddenly charged forward and pushed him. It was a combination of the final straw and a choice. Makoto isn’t immune to feeling despair, he’s just too stubborn to fall into it of his own volition. I think that’s why I like that scene in DR3 so much. People were SO SHOCKED Makoto actually fell for the tape, that he actually became despair for a moment. I saw people getting mad or disappointed, saying it was pathetic and Makoto seemed to fall from some sort of pedestal for them. Honestly part of me wonders if that sort of mentality, which clearly people had in universe, affected Makoto a bit. Like he started to see himself as less of a person, subconsciously. Prompting him to take more risks, less self preservation, act way more bold. It seems he has to be reminded a lot not to put himself in danger by his friends, to not do something too reckless. All over the place I would see in regards to that scene either this frivolous ‘oh this was just angst drama with no meaning behind it’ or ‘he can do better than that. he’s so weak’ or ‘come on, there’s no way he’d fall into despair, he’s the Ultimate Hope!’ This kind of mentality, which was kind of ironic considering Ryota was there the entire time saying the same thing and treating Makoto the same way. Like Makoto was superhuman. Like Makoto didn’t feel despair the same way ‘normal people’ did. In a way that was also how Munakata saw Makoto. Makoto stopped being a PERSON to the world when he became Ultimate Hope, he became a concept, a belief system, much the same way Junko ascended beyond herself. But the difference is that treating Makoto that way is the opposite of the reason Makoto became such a representative for hope. He wasn’t doing something no one else could. He was doing something everyone had the chance to, he just… was a little more optimistic, a little more stubborn, a little more ‘gung-ho’ about things. He just took the lead where no one else did, where no one else knew they even COULD in the face of Junko’s unstoppable force. She had overcome the biggest threats and obstacles in the world, what could one person do? And the answer Makoto found was, anything. Everything. It doesn’t all rest on Makoto, he’s just the one that was inspired to try to do what seemed like the impossible. But as evidenced by the change in his friends after that trial, it’s clearly not something only Makoto is capable of. The others pulled out of despair thanks to Makoto, but it was their choice to do so.
“But… this world is so huge, and we’re so small. What can we do…? No, we can probably do anything. Yeah! We can do anything!”
#makoto naegi#Danganronpa character analysis#Danganronpa#danganronpa thh#danganronpa future arc#I fucking love Makoto Naegi man.#I think there’s a fine line of nuance to Makoto that’s easy to miss bc he doesn’t really make it known#he’s not a pushover and he’s not overpowered. he’s a people pleaser but he will say what needs to be said#he’s an immovable object and the exact opposite of Junko but he’s also just a normal guy who’s optimistic and (un)lucky#he isn’t invincible but he has immense power to his words the same way Junko did#if anything his superpower is being kind above all else. he’s compassionate to some of the worst people in the world.#he was even conpassionatr to an extent to Junko. he didnt want her to kill herself despite everything she’s done#and he still acknowledges that for years she was a classmate and friend.#I do think the more he learned abt what she did the more he’s come to actually hate her though#post the first game he always refers to her without a suffix to her name which is one of the most subtle rude things you can do#it means you have zero respect for the person you’re referring to#and he speaks about her with some venom he doesn’t use for anyone else in the future arc#he’s not incapable of feeling negative emotions#I really liked the future arc scene bc it showed that Makoto DID experience enough despair to have overcome him if he didn’t refuse#and that it still affects him deeply. people treat him like he’s either this perfect ideal Chad or this baby chick who’s so delicate#and no one really focuses on how makoto shoulders so much and yet is still vulnerable.#honestly that guy was DUE for a mental breakdown even without the tape. it would have happened eventually#I actually wrote one based on him finally hitting a breaking point after giving so much of himself away and keeping nothing for himself#that his issues that he shoves down constantly finally can’t be held down anymore. Hajime helps him bc he knows how that feels#it was a LONG time ago that I wrote that but honestly if I can remember where i was going w it I might finish it#it was initially an rp but I could make it a fic#anyway. the point is Makoto is SO much more complex than people give him credit for#the most fundamental thing about him is that he’s normal and that’s ok! that’s what helps him rise!
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what’s there not to understand about hypomania? you know when you get overtired, and like a toddler, you get all hyperactive and also want to cry or do Every Fun Thing you can think of and it actually becomes harder to sleep? like as a result of too much overwhelm or being so emotionally exhausted that’s how your body makes you able to cope, the aftereffects of too much adrenaline? just imagine being stuck like that. and every day it triggers itself more, overload of emotional whiplash and energy and you’ve lost all ability to think rationally and you can do anything at this point, because why not? you’ve got nothing left in you to hold back on any idea that could be exciting and stop you from falling into the void where the wiredness you feel has nothing to latch onto to burn off that nervous energy in a positive way, emotionally. for days or weeks or months on end. you don’t need to have ever experienced this fully to extrapolate and be like. yeah. I can see how it would suck eventually to get stuck like that
#at this point I’m begging people to see the overlap with adhd too bc anecdotally it seems like everyone I know also has that#and the overlap with bpd and hpd but I think the main difference is. being stuck in that high energy state. even when the energy turns sad#and bitter and hopeless. it’s essentially just overstimulation from your own brain. gets stuck overstimulating itself to cope maybe?#like i know people say it’s not triggered by life events but they sometimes can trigger it. but imho depression is gonna trigger it too#eventually. anything where everything is Too Much can start the positive feedback loop that’s almost impossible to turn off#which if you don’t know what a positive feedback loop is. means smth triggers smth which goes back and triggers its original trigger#thus getting bigger and bigger in magnitude. it’s like the chicken and the egg. egg makes chicken and chicken makes egg. more egg more#chicken and more chicken more egg. as opposed to a negative feedback loop which by the time there gets enough of smth it stops triggering#making more of it. your body relies on negative feedback loops for smth called homeostasis which is basically keeping everything stable#so obv positive feedback loops are gonna do the opposite of stable. in this case for your energy and your mood#most people are able to sleep better when they’re tired. my hypothesis of hypomania is when being tired makes you less able to rest#and that obviously spirals in on itself. mania would just be an extension of that I guess? but in some people it does happen really fast so#I get the narrative that it’s a chemical imbalance bc it is. but the specific imbalance being the tendency to a positive feedback loop make#more sense to me too. and can be why predictability and external cycles to ground yourself to are so important#there’s also never a 0% chance of you ever having a manic episode btw. anyones brain can theoretically get into this loop it’s just that if#you’re genetically predisposed to bipolar you’re much more likely to! and that’s okay. you can manage it with meds and lifestyle#but it makes sense why lowering stress (which can trigger this cycle) is such an important part of treatment and management#anyway. hopefully I’m not like. horribly horribly wrong or smth. in the end I can only speak for my experience so lmk if I’m missing smth#bipolar awareness#bipolar 2#hypomania#personal mental health tag#neurodivergence#would you believe I was reminiscing about a concert I went to once. and it made me think of all this
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this is a test
#i’m bored i just wanna see how many words i can put in the tags like will it just keep going on forever or will they stop me like i know th#the tag limit is 30 ok so the iindividual tag limit is 140 characters that’s actually so rude i wanted to keep going forever and see how lo#g this could be but i guess we can do this 30 times ok what the flip should i talk about hm i was playing the guitar today but i rage quit#ause the song was hard and hurting my fingers! ermmmmm it was sunny ok this is boring let’s think of more exciting things to type hmmm acco#ding to all known laws of aviation- jk i’m not doing the bee movie script but can you imagine i think that would be funny hmmmmm words i lo#e podcasts so bad that’s a fact no one has ever know before my blog definitely isn’t all about audio dramas the people are definitely not a#ready aware of this jesus christ this is only the seventh one of these this is actually quite a lot of space i underestimated how much i ha#e to type btw there’s probably spelling mistakes in here somewhere or autocorrect has been annoying but i cba to retype anything so i don’t#care lolllllllllllll how do you feel about oscar malevolent i feel a normal amount actually (lie) yk what i really miss sam and colin alrea#y like i’m actually not okay i really hope we hear from sam again in s2 and also colin ngl i hope ur in the computers soz or not dead miss#im like a bastard my paranoid it king ok erm im running out of things to say um heartstopper s3 was crazy good i cried lmao i love gay peop#e so much it’s crazy i hope it gets renewed for s4 i need to reread the comics lowkey and the books they’re all so talented for being so yo#ng it scares me ngl !!!!!! the tmagp hiatus is getting to me slightly like february in reality is soon and not that far away for how podcas#ts go but seriously how am i supposed to live until then without knowing what happened. please colin be alive. ive only just realised i can#use fills stops. sorry that’s made everything a bit messy. i should’ve been doing this before. whoops. anyways. hi mutuals i love you all s#much i hope you enjoy my rambles and shitposts cause i enjoy yours very much! never think you’re being annoying i literally don’t care be a#annoying as you want posts as much as you want i am ur biggest fan <3 im getting a bit fatigued from typing like my mind is blank basically#now it’s just turned into a. stream of consciousness but i don’t really have any thoughts to put here idk if we’re halfway ermmmm omg it’s#lmost halloween how crazy is that time is flying by i kinda forgot it was october lmao. it’s wild how it’s basically almost christmas. like#what. that’s illegal. how is it wintertime again. what the flip. i miss summer already take me backkkkkkk. i hope my phone doesn’t crash or#smth cause i’ve not saved this as a draft and i cba to do any of this again. maybe i should save it. ok i will when i reach the next tag bc#ok it stopped me but i’ve saved it and holy jesus it’s a lot of text im just sat here giggling there’s really no point to any of this other#than me being bored sooooooooooooooooo (imagine if i just did the letter o for every character wouldn’t that be crazy) so wait there’s 140#haracters and 30 tags so what’s 30 x 140. someone hurry. i haven’t done maths lessons in two and a half years i’ve forgotten everything wai#let me get the calculator app ok im back it said 4100 characters so. i dont know how many words that roughly is but its. a decent amount. o#what the flip why am i wasting tag space with maths. i hate maths. my screen time has been actually soooooooooo bad recently like damn some#one put my phone in a block of ice please joshua gillespie style. my mind is running out of things to say. do i talk about myself. im james#im 18 which is weird cause wdym im an adult go away. ive run out of facts. i love podcasts and procedural dramas that stupid firefighter sh#w is my life unfortunately. i think chappell roan should be the queen of england instead of king charles. i dont like having a king cause#ho needs men in power not me. ok um this is the last tag equal rights for all. yolo. the time will pass anyways! thank u boredom ok bye gn:
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#I hadn’t posted about this but last night I found out that my cousin’s kid had gone missing while travelling with friends in Barcelona#they’d lost contact with him 24 hours earlier#and couldn’t find him anywhere#and my mum was with my cousin at the police station for a few hours while they launched an investigation#that basically went from the Victoria police > Australian federal police > interpol > Barcelona police#nobody had any idea where he was and it was genuinely terrifying#anyway I just woke up to a message from mum#saying that they found him and he was okay#his phone and wallet had been stolen#and the poor kid had been wandering around Barcelona for almost two full days trying to find the airbnb#what a massive relief#we were all so worried about him#I guess he was initially a little drunk and shaken up by having his stuff stolen#so didn’t think to wait in the last place he’s seen his friends#and by the time he sobered up he was dehydrated and exhausted and hungry so wasn’t thinking any clearer#especially seeing as it’s been pretty hot there#anyway let this be a psa reminder that if you’re visiting a country where you don’t speak the language#ALWAYS make sure you have a planned meeting point that you know how to find#in case you get into a situation like this#and at the very least learn how to ask for help in the language the locals speak#god he’s so lucky he didn’t end up passed out from heat stroke#or worse
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what if i wrote wildly ooc cell/roommates au comfort fic. what then.
#i mean it’s in-character in my heart#i just still need to watch more felpsvods to like you know. properly understand his characterization. bc im winging it.#anyway i am just having a night ykno#and i think the canon non-compliant world’s most unconventional enemies-to-besties duo would help#but first i gotta actually finish studying 0(-(#man mini side tangent but oh my god the pressure i feel to make everything I write ‘in character’ is so overwhelming holyshitttttt#‘you have to be true to the characters else you’re Missing The Point’ vs. ‘it’s fanfic it’s not that serious just have fun!’#chrissttttttt#ugh don’t get me started on this i rly gotta get some work done#this is already a borderline vent post we can’t get into that rn lmao
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extremely frustrating situation
#overly long winded explanation incoming#so i’m gonna be living with two friends starting this fall#my parents bought a little townhouse and we’re renting from them#so they’re getting all of the paperwork and contracts and leases figured out#and these two friends are just. awful with deadlines. horrific. just the worst.#my dad has been flexible but he’s had to keep nagging them again and again to get these forms signed and whatever#and one of them finally finished the whole process and she’s good to go#but the other one still just needs to get the lease signed/notarized with their dad. like. asap. like within a few days.#and i’m trying my best to be like heyyyy sorryyyy not trying to nag or anything but we do need that ASAP…. it should be quick and easy…#i know you’re working double shifts every single day and your dog just died im so sorry#but my parents say you should be able to just go to the bank during a lunch break to get it notarized…..#please don’t be mad at me or my parents for saying we need this Now…… i’m sorry i know you have a lot going on but we do Need that done#right away….#anyway i don’t want you to be mad at me or think i’m just nagging so here’s a topic change! oh you didn’t respond to the topic change.#fuck me then. god. i can’t tell if you’re mad at me or not but i have the suspicion you Are. and that’s making Me mad at You#like god man just come the fuck on already you’ve missed every other deadline up to this point too. can you please just FUCKING get#everything submitted so we can stop worrying about it and just get excited to live together!! because it’s gonna be fun!!#but it’s worrying me too bc like… if this is how they’re acting before we’re even living together#and they’re missing all of these deadlines#am i gonna have to nag them to pay their rent every month?#it’s just frustrating bc it feels like they’re taking advantage of the fact that it’s my parents and not some other landlord#so they don’t think the deadlines my parents set are like. actual deadlines#meanwhile if it WASNT my parents they’d literally be out of a place to live because the housing market is so fucked there#and if you don’t get everything submitted within The Day then you’re no longer a candidate to rent the place#if you can even get to that point in the first place#so like. my parents are being exceptionally flexible and obv i can’t really know what this friend’s thought process is#but it feels like they’re just kinda taking them for granted and taking advantage of their kindness#like fuck dude just please come on
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Back in university I tried to get into makeup because I wanted to feel pretty and feel as if I were trying, ya know!!! Boost the self esteem!! But mostly because everyone around me wore makeup and I felt like I wasn’t progressing enough?? I has a HUGE aversion to makeup being put on my face by family and I didn’t like the way it felt. But I wanted to try cause I was getting older and again ✨insecure.✨ And my cousin tried to help me buy stuff but she only took me into the store and told me to pick stuff out. The issue she didn’t seem to understand was I didn’t know how to start.
I’d seen a few videos of beauty gurus doing very beautiful makeup but the first step always confused me and I didn’t WANT a super fun unique style I just wanted to be done up a little so I wouldn’t be lost when I had to do it in the future. I left with maybe a lipstick or two and gold eyeshadow. 🥹 she seemed so irritated with me and I felt so bad.
So the first time I wore the eyeshadow I didn’t know how to apply it and I just smeared it on my eyelids because who was going to show me. 😭 and i felt like I was being stared at the whole day. Eventually I wiped it off out of embarrassment and also because I didn’t want my mom to know. I felt like she’d tease me for NOW wanting to try makeup when I claimed to hate it so much before. I snuck it into a drawer in the bathroom. It was eventually found by my sister who asked where it came from but when she never received an answer she kept it 🥹
And similarly, the two lipsticks I bought. I carried them in my backpack because I didn’t know where else to keep them. I fell in love with this dull pinkishy shade. I always applied it at school and took it off before going home. Sometimes I’d reapply it in the bathrooms in the science (math) building and honestly!!! I felt beautiful!!!!! Except I still didn’t like how it felt too much when I applied it bleh, and I felt like people were judging me for not applying it well. 🥺 eventually those too got tucked into the drawer and were found by my sister who was still confused by this lost makeup and decided to keep them.
#melifails#i saw a post about lipstick shades between red and pink and it sent me back to the science bathroom#when I’d gleefully pull out that pink tube look in the mirror and put it on#i miss that feeling#the quick little boost of confidence of feeling like I was finally like other girls#i still feel weird about it like I’m not aging fast enough#and so i have to compensate somehow ?? right?#but I’m not doing a very good job to be honest I don’t dress special and when I do I think I look very comical like what you’d expect a#child to wear or an older person just trying to be comfortable#so I’m nice and I’m sweet and I speak with a high pitched voice hoping that’s enough but I think it just makes it worse somehow#It’s me but is me enough?#i find it very funny that I’m shedding tears over lipstick#anyways that’s it that’s all I’m sorry if you read all that#it actually started off fondly and quickly went down into my insecurities but hey!!!#we embrace our insecurities here were honest about them 👏🏽👏🏽 because whats the point in hiding how we feel#besides this is my diary and you have the key to read it#okay lov e u you’re beautiful/handsome/spiffy
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(quite possibly) going to change my username when i come back from my hiatus >.<
#♡ jordy is thinking ♡#this (semi) hiatus was unintended#mini story:#there’s been a lot of stress these past couple of weeks#an incident happened at home n the police were/are involved#we’ve had a lot of measures put into place to maintain our safety#but the last few weeks have had me paranoid n my anxiety has been up n down a lot#i had wanted to come back to tumblr much sooner but i feel like i’m all over the place rn#it doesn’t help that i’ve also had a lot of stress at work too#(bc our class teacher is making our work life hell)#n i just haven’t had the chance to catch a break#on the plus side#i’ve been going to the gym regularly#n i’m finally starting to see some changes#(n may have accidentally developed a crush on one of the guys who work there)#hhh#anyways#i think a new name is needed bc i don’t particularly feel anything towards this one anymore so i’ll try to think of something cute#i hope things will settle soon n i hope to be back to writing/posting at some point in the near future#missing everyone n i hope you’re all safe n doing well#<3
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Apparently my not doing well is noticeable because my boss gave me Friday off and was like hey take a long weekend and go see your family
#I’m not sure if I will go home#it depends on if I think I can talk to my parents about Why I’m struggling#without them trying to convince me it’s not as bad as I think it is#also to be fair the family comment is just because I do go home to my parents like every other week#when we convinced my grandma to move into a retirement home near them one of the selling points was it being easier for people to visit#mostly me since my other cousin doesn’t go by like ever even tho she lives half an hour away#(for those of you that know Zoe this is the other side of my family so a different situation grandma wise#anyways I go by and see her for a while on Saturdays I’m up and swing by Sunday morning when I head home#I’ve spent more time with her since she moved then I had in years#which is good I’m glad I get to see her m#I got off topic there but like the go home to see your family wasn’t a you’re barely holding it together and need your family#it’s more you need a break go see your family like you like to do#but like I said I’m not sure I mean honestly I only got my mom to understand I struggle with mental illness like a couple of years ago#I don’t know how she missed me going to therapy and being on antidepressants in high school#maybe she just thought it was a grief thing and that I’d gotten better?#god I wrote so much in these tags sorry thanks to any of you that read all the way through
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