#but also why do people follow me i wouldnt follow myself my posts are very unorganized and poorly written like what

[m4ndysk4nkovich]

everytime i see my old meta posts im so freaked out like wtf is wrong with me why am i yelling at nobody about a fictional character

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

would i be the asshole for contacting my ex to ask them if they could stop talking about me online to a community that knows who i am? (🥐)

tw: kinda emotionally abusive relationship

bg info

me (24f) and my ex (28) were in a three month relationship three years ago following a whole year of friendship. they were my first partner and i came out as a lesbian to everyone during our relationship. when we were together, they were 24 and i was 20. i was very emotionally dependent on them when i was 20 due to mental health issues and so were they which is probably one of the reasons why our relationship was as explosive as it was. i looked up to them, my whole emotional world revolved around them, and our friendship/relationship was the only thing i had in my life at the time. they constantly asked me "hey is it even ethical that im dating you, im 4 years older, you tell me please, oh i feel like such a bad person", yet, they still continued dating me every time they would ask.

our fights were horrible and truly explosive as they broke their stuff in front of me out of anger, threw things at me and insulted me as stupid, amongst many other things. our fights usually ensued because i would ask them for reassurance and they would start panicking and screaming at me to shut up. to be fair, i would cry every time i was asking for reassurance which probably made them feel scared about losing me, so i consider myself 50% at fault for everything that happened in our relationship, i shouldve been able to talk to them in a secure manner that wouldnt trigger their abandonment issues. our fights were quite jarring and made me walk out on them several times out of fear. yet i always came back and apologized and took the whole accountability, even though i dont consider myself the only one at fault. walking out several times during fights was probably one of the worst things i could have done but at the same time i was simply scared. even when i walked out after our last fight, they begged me to come back, which i did, i apologized under tears, and yet, told them that i cant promise them to stay no matter what.. and left.

we met through tumblr and were in a medium distance relationship. after our relationship, i went to a clinic and had to learn a lot about myself, what i experienced and what i want from life. im in a very happy and healthy place now and since the end of 2021 im with my current partner whom i want to be the love of my life and whom ive started to build a life with.

context

i have my ex blocked on all social media because they used to do hour long deep dives into my blog, even as of recently (i have statcounter installed for my safety bc im paranoid about them sending me anonymous asks). at first i also used to visit their blog after our break up but stopped doing so after moving on with my life. one year after breaking up i temporarily unblocked them and explicitly asked them not to look at my social media (or at least to do it in a way in which i dont notice aka asked them not to watch my instagram stories).

while i dont visit their blog/social media because i dont want to know whats going on in their life, tumblr mutuals frequently dm me stuff like "hey i think you should know that your ex posted about you/shit talks about something that you posted". i havent asked my mutuals to tell me whenever this happens but i imagine they do so because within the tumblr space we exist, everyone kind of knows everyone (so my ex doesnt have to mention my name for people to know who theyre talking about). sometimes mutuals send screenshots of the posts so that i dont have to visit my ex's blog. last ive heard my ex joked about throwing jewelry at me and posted extensively about a tattoo that i got. my ex's behavior makes me uncomfortable and feel just as helpless as i did back then.

why i might be the asshole

im scared that they might be venting because i was more at fault in the relationship than them and that i am unconsciously deflecting. however, i talked about every detail of the relationship and this fear extensively with my therapist, friends, and partner who are of the opinion that i was young, scared, and intertwined in a relationship that was incredibly toxic. im still unsure though because my emotions frequently triggered theirs.

why they might be the asshole

i asked them once to stop visiting my social media and i feel like venting about our relationship that broke off 3 years ago to a tumblr community of friends and acquaintances is kind of unfair. however, i might be the asshole and they might just need the space for venting. i could just ignore the vents and let them heal in their own way from what ensued.

WIBTA if i confronted them again and told them that i want them to stop talking about me online? or would i be a party pooper because every person needs a space for venting?

What are these acronyms?

[smalltestaccount]

okay i think ive come to the conclusion that i dont really fit in with most other trans women, like personality wise, and thats okay. Like i think recently a lot of trans women, not just on tumblr, have been making me think i have to be kinky and bizarre or something, be blasé about transitioning or gender roles, or even just like be okay with some borderline harassing behavior. Its okay if that is you (except the harassing behavior some of yall need to work on that), but like thats not really me. Acting this way just makes me feel bad. Just ignoring that Im a total straightedge, that im like a 1 on the Kinsey scale now. Ever since i was like 11 my biggest desire is just like being a normal cis girl. I always am happiest embracing basic American femininity, and i only just re-realized this after after it helped me get out of a depressive episode (along with antidepressants and an increased estrogen dose). I don't care if im "enforcing gender roles", because i fucking love female gender roles (in modern American culture) cause they make me feel like not-a-piece-of-shit. Also i don't strictly adhere to many anyways. And i just don't think terfs would have any issues with cis girls who love the color pink, flowers, being boy crazy, and dreaming about being a mother. So like why should I feel like its wrong to like that stuff? I don't think there is anything wrong with it. And you know if you don't have that relationship with gender that is fine, you need to do what makes you happy, that's why feminism exists. I'm just saying I don't want to pretend like my personality is something that really just makes me uncomfortable.

I dont like when people here imply being a trans woman entails being sexual cause like i just want to be normal and that stereotype is harmful, especially to transgender children who are really likley to be targeted for some kind of sexual abuse because theyre trans and being trans is already sexualized more than it needs to be. Adults can navigate that to some extent, but not kids; I couldnt really navigate that when i started transitioning in middle school and im lucky it only stayed online. Trying to even somewhat fit in with tumblrs idea of trans women has made me encounter tranny porn on my dash and whenever i post images of myself I'm followed by gross accounts that just reblog that stuff . A lot of trans women don't hate it, because sex work is very much as part of the trans community. But honestly, seeing trans women be treated in those ways just makes me feel bad for the actresses and sick about myself and very dysphoric.

Im not saying that you cant express kinkiness and hyper-sexuality, because I dont want to dictate how you act any more than i want you to be dictated on how I act. But I also want to encourage thoughfulness in what you say. Saying you, yourself, is kinky and weird, is not that same as saying trans *girls* are kinky and weird. In the same way I'm not going to reblog tradwife content, I don't think its productive to make an "all tgirls be kinky" post. You shouldn't try to paint that image of other trans women.

As its the first day of june I'll just tie it up by saying that not all trans people fit into one personality and if you want to show support its best not to suggest trans women all act a certain way, and please don't think talking about "gock" is a good way to show support. This isn't a "kink at pride" discourse post in the very slightest cause I don't, and never have, given any shits about that, cause I've never been to pride. This is just me talking about how I fit into the trans community.

Im Alexa and I'm going to reblog and post shit i like, not what other people like or expect. That Includes not doing tummy tuesday cause i really only briefly did it out of fomo and peer pressure. And please don't say things about me that you wouldnt say about other women

[blkkizzat]

hey! i've seen your post about whb and want to say that i agree with you completely! like yeah pb fucked up much enough lately, but i've been following the game since pre-registration and from that moment on saw complaints very often. literally about everything. and it`s not even criticism it`s just complaining and insults! and ok ok i understand and not forbid complaining, but if complaints are constant and about everything, then why are you playing? just leave the game and have some rest and all this talk that there is no content for f2p players...well, no? to begin with, this game definitely doesn`t position itself as one that needs to be played 24 hours, 7 days a week. 15-20 minutes a day will be enough. and this is one of the main problems of the fanbase imo - expecting from the game more than it can give you also want to mention that me as f2p player don't consider NP as something terribly cashgrabbing bad. yes, if it was a little cheaper it would be better, but it`s the best option to get the character and his artifact GUARANTEED, sorry not sorry

(english is not my native language, so i apologize for any possible mistakes! and you can also ignore this message if you find it uncomfortable! i'm just glad that there are those who share the same opinion as i do about this situation)

yes you get it! criticisms are fine, but the constant insults and a unhelpful complaining that is crazy. even more crazy how people will play a game they openly dislike and keep making themselves frustrated.

but omg yes, i said that over on reddit and people hated it. this game (even for P2P) is not a 24/7 content type game like genshin or a lot of other gacha is. It's meant to be played 2-5 hours a day max and most of that is doing panty party if you wanna get to level 100 each time. I have every character but school Levi and the xmas angels (got beach raphael tho!) and I definitely could be playing more than i do but i like pacing myself and taking my time. This is not the main game someone should be playing.

yeah agree, NP could be cheaper but otherwise its near four times that amount to buy enough seals for 220 pity if you end up needing it. Also its significant steady income for PB.

your english is great! i honestly wouldnt have known if you didnt tell me. thank you for your thoughts pookies! 🫶🏽🫶🏽

[big-greer]

I know i dont usually post stuff like this, for the longest time if you had asked me what my gender was id say i was a regular guy..but in truth i say that but i never really felt like i "Fit" with the term guy. Like in my brain whenever i think of myself i never really think specifically about being a male. Before i just assumed "oh its cause i am one, obviously i wouldnt consciously think of that. its sort of a given" but looking back that clearly wasnt the case, always joked how i barely counted as a guy and most people either would laugh like its a joke but a few days ago a coworker asked why..and i sort of froze up cause i had never really stopped and asked myself why? Like i knew i didnt act like a normal guy, i didnt think like one, i never had that attachment to the title of being male. so i always felt this disconnect from manhood, and even when my father tried to teach me to be a man it always felt like i was just an outsider looking in and learning a lesson through a window or something. he tried all kinds of stuff you would expect a "manly" guy to know, hell he even taught me how to track through a forest (would cut notches in trees and we walked from the top of a mountain to the bottom and had me lead us back following the marks he made. yeah dad take your like 14 year old to the fucking bottom of a mountain and make me track cut marks like some legendary hunter lol). and he would always explain what manhood was and i just....it never connected to me you know? i always chocked that up to the fact my dad was never really around (after he and ma divorced he sorta slowly dissapeared from my life till he was dead one day) and so i figured i wasnt like a regular guy cause i was raised by like, 95% woman only so i thought that might be why? but as ive come to realize it isnt that and ive just never really vibed with the idea of being just a guy, its never clicked for me.

Now dont get me wrong, the idea of using she/her pronouns actually is uncomftorable to me so now i feel like im sort of just floating here? in between gender in my own sort of like...little world and im worried about doing it right. Yeah i know "oh i want to do good at gender which is a logical and reasonable thing that can be done" i know i know. But like, i dont want to wear makeup and dresses and stuff (though nail polish would be nice, perhaps a good black would be cool.) and i feel like i dont particularly want to wear any womans clothing? i like guy clothes, there comfy, fit me nice, and for obvious reasons they are all i got lol. Also i like having my goatee and facial hair so thats also a thing. i just worry that after browsing the nonbinary tag that cause of stuff like this i wouldnt be good at being nonbinary, or that i would do it wrong. OH also that i would still be comfortable with people using he/him pronouns as well as they/them but wouldnt feel comftorable with somebody using she/her ones (perhaps this is just cause he/him pronouns are all ive known my entire life and thats why im more comfy with them). yeah all that makes me worried id be doing nonbinary wrong, which i know is a dumb sentence cause nobody can do gender "wrong" and that its a personal thing that is up to only the person whose gender its about feelings on the situation. but that lingering doubt is still in my mind, that i will be some sort of fraud or not ACTUALLY nonbinary and stuff. cause lord knows alot of tumblr views nonbinary as just "WOMAN 2" and if you arnt some hyper androgynous person you arnt actually nonbinary and i know i know, i shouldnt care what fuckin morons on tumblr say.

But gender stuff is new to me, VERY knew. Lord knows i still have strange feelings towards being ace and sometimes worry im not "ACE" enough to be considered ace. so im def still fighting some internal demons about this stuff. But having good friends around is helping out alot and i cant even imagine how id handle dealing with this sort of stuff alone (cause lord knows what little family i got left wouldnt be the most...supportive) anyway uh, gender is fuckin wild and confusing and stupid and simple and everything and nothing and lord does it give me a headache.

[kelssecretaccount]

hey look, an official intro post!!!

hi my name is kel. im (probably) the host/a fictive in an osdd-1b system. we dont have a system name or anything so i guess you can just collectively call us kel until we learn more about ourselves :p you wont see me doing it a lot but its ok to separate me from my source

im still learning about plurality and stuff. we dont really have the best communication or anything.. actually, our communication is shitttt… but were trying super hard!! 💪

bodily, we are 18 years old and so ofc i would prefer to interact with people around my age!!! i use we/i interchangeably. this is a secret account since i really dont wanna open up to my friends about this and, if you know my main… no you dont :)

I WILL NEVER PURPOSEFULLY SPREAD MISINFORMATION. if you catch me doing so please please please correct me. i want to learn.

DNI and all that under cut!!

DO NOT INTERACT

fake claimers - i dont care what youre fakeclaiming or why youre fakeclaiming

‘narc abuse’ truthers - or believers in any other (insert mental illness here) abuse. just say ur ableist and move on

you post about args or analog horror - awesome interests to have but unfortunately they can make me dissociate and feel paranoid when im not in the best state of mind (exception: if ur willing to tag or dont post about them too much)

youre really into discourse - self explanatory

meanies :( - self explanatory. be nice to me pls

creeps** - pedophiles, hebephiles, maps, whatever you wanna call yourselves. all the same in my eyes. (people with POCD or sexually violent intrusive thoughts are not in this group, of course)

anti therian/fictionkin/otherkin - self explanatory

polycrit - im ambiamorous lol

terf/gendercrit - IM TRANS????

all radfems - i understand that a handful of you are chill but theres too much of an overlap with terfs. i wouldnt feel safe, no matter how nice you are (or say you are)

weird about religion - this includes nonreligious or spiritual people that make fun of people that follow a religion, as well as people that harass or are generally assholes to people that dont follow their religion (im luciferian)

**i dont really wanna get into the proship/antiship debate (its way too nuanced for me to take a black and white stance) but if ur jerking it to depictions of toddlers or anything like that then yeah no.

ill just block you if you otherwise make me uncomfortable

BYF

i fake flirt with people im close to (with consent ofc)

just bc i interact with somebody doesnt necessarily mean that i agree with everything they believe in lol

i have NVLD and autism so i might not seem very aware. it can take me a while to understand things. please dont call me dumb or anything like that, even as a joke (im ok with most other joking insults)

i dont know much about syscourse and i dont care to know. we are, however, traumagenic and wed prefer to interact with systems that are also traumagenic (not anti endo or anything)

im always learning more about myself every day

PLEASE INTERACT

didosdd systems

queer people

omori fans

people with learning disabilities

people that post about mental health or positivity

people that wanna b friends :3c

[cosmicanger]

😶

yea one of the wildest parts of the microcelebs and their mediocre, superfan highkeyvibe digital lynching me for this long is that they act like im the only Black person making the points I make when I am literally saying points other Black people have said before me and points other Black trans folk are currently saying even better than me like im not some singular troll just saying whatever. I cite Black ancestors & thinkers all the time when they all barely post a Morrison or a Moten quote. That particular antiBlack microceleb clique & their fans like highkeyvibe don’t have any basis for their positions other than just being antiBlack tokens & overseers at best. like, they can't point to any published scholarly work or research or real receipts or compiled data or quotes from a Black thinker or Black revolutionary to support their positions. they all just punching down through social capital/clout they gained for being consistently antiBlack and cosigning nonblack folk who do nothing for other Black folk. palatable Black folk, nonblack apologists, corny losers who dont give anything IRL like idk its really obvious that whole microceleb clique dont know how to talk to Black folk outside of their clique like that and they love being the prized token to nonblack folk. again idc if Black folk have nonblack friends and partners but if you are Black and you are defending nonblack folk when they are antiBlack or you are Black and cosigning nonblack folk over other Black folk, then you are an antiBlack token. stop getting mad at me because i am direct about how clout works on here. their reactions to how I defend myself on here from their violence literally proves all of my points, especially the one about how they definitely care about social capital when they say they dont. like almost everyone on Tumblr is trash, very few people on here drag nonblack people for being antiBlack, so few people on Tumblr addressing yet another Black trans woman murdered this month and the microceleb clique + their fan highkeyvibe barely bring up the multiple transphobic laws globally unless it is trendy enough to post while their nonblack mutuals posts about it as well. the thing is, i would respect that clique and their fans if they all were like “yea i wanna be a rich well-dressed capitalist one day and im looking out for myself and my culty clique only” and they didnt bother other Black folk who dont wanna do that at all (and who actually wanna call out the things they wouldnt risk social capital or money doing), but nope they wanna aspire to a classed life while tryna keep their “progressive” branding. They are radical chic, radical as costume for branding, not “radical” in practice. to the people following me who think im doing too much and i am giving them too much energy and to just ignore the badjacketing and gaslighting can fcuk off too & hope they targeted by a trendy clique so they can see they can see how foolish they sound. Like these nonblack apologists and nonblack people want me dead and I am supposed to lower my voice and change my tone? Nope. Sorry i use my blog also to work out my feelings like anyone else idk why i am being policed in my reaction to violence. its damned if i do, damned if i dont on here so imma do what i want cause i know most of y’all mediocre and anti-Black. oh & to the people who watched and didnt do shit when ppl escalated the online abuse to the trendy folks are misgendering me on purpose, hope terrible things happen to you. s/o the few Black ppl who messaged me to check in on me and who told me they tried calling these fools out too but they block them or dont post their messages.

[spikeinthepunch]

YW talks again lol....

I certainly had mixed thoughts on Madness' forum posts which sparked the thoughts in me about making political discussion and learning more accessible to those without that knowledge. i know full well that forum thread wasn't to educate forum readers- but the way of going over the Why's of closure and especially the apparent intent of a social movement never blatantly said while, dividing their hopeful followers into those who understood and those who didn't, seem to feel alienating and almost frustrating in that moment.

there is an extent where i get it- trying to form a movement with people who really understand the message is important as to not lead a group with mixed ideas that come out as not lining up. but hearing a person speaking from a place that is so above the level of knowledge most people have and not finding ways to encourage searching for resources to be aware of a deeper movement is upsetting from the pov of someone like me who has the drive to be part of that movement-- and while yes, i wouldnt exactly have to learn more of the intense subject to be in a social movement (massive movements in the past dont have people going to the library to read up on marxism or whatver!).... why isnt there encouragement to do so espcially when it feels like some of that failure was finding people who could Get It? i cannot shake the feeling that some people behind such a movement felt people were lacking in that knowledge enough that they weren't fulfilling a role they wanted to see filled for that social movement, even though no one is exactly at fault in the end for the movement not meeting expectations (it was also due to the stress of handling the social community) or people not moving past the nostalgia scene of web revival.

however i am not here to repeat myself from my blog-- Sadness' way of speaking about the closure and their new manifesto are easier to digest. better even, as i saw Sadness spoke on the forum that really it wasnt their expectation that YW would like... turn into all this. It grew very quick and they really didnt not plan for it to turn into a much more deep social movement- and they weren't against it. they agreed with the message and i do too. obviously the failure to continue really comes down to the speed of growth espcially in regards to moderating a social community. but past that, their manifesto that was updated it like. idk. its just easier to take in versus the forum posts namely made by Madness as much as I get the importance of the more academic discussions around all this.

i do suggest you read their thoughts on how to look at the current web. In the end the Web Revival isn't about the old aesthetic websites. If you plan for that to be all you do thats fine, but its your art and your project, whatever. You can give into nostalgia. But please do think just a little deeper. web revival was always about wanting to detach from the mainstream, say no to the trends of social media, stick it to the man or whatever. You cannot ignore that! and you learning just a little bit about why and how to think about the way you approach it is important. and don't feel like youre left out because you dont do the academic level studies about politics... you can seek it out if you wish, but really all you need is the drive to become away of your online presence, and how to redirect from what the internet makes the norm.

additionally in the end it should be obvious i dont have issues with how ppl like Madness spoke on that forum, or the ideas and thoughts they had about what went wrong w attempting the movement. for one the way it all went down makes perfect sense to me. what they failed to do made sense. what ideas they wanted to project make sense to me. i more so get simply frustrated at the feeling of something 'larger than' its followers that maybe could have been taught in an accessible way, and a more clear way, because i do feel like part of its failure was from some kind of assumption that the movement could be realized even if people only had vague hints of what they were pushing.

[mephiles-plush]

Why do you need it tagged anyway? It sounds stupid that you want people to tag it.

jesus christ what the fuck . ok i guess i need to explain jules lore now 🙁

major tw for grooming, self harm, eating disorders, & cyberstalking below

speaking about this has me very paranoid because i have a feeling that this is him but then again i have no idea. anyways

when i was 12 i was groomed by an 18 year old over instagram. at the time a friend and i were really into p/rsona and i would follow a lot of accounts based around the game. also i had previous ties with the j/ba fandom since i watched it in the past.

fast forward to the summer when i was 12 and it was literal hell. i had an already bad self harm addiction but it became worse when he entered the picture, saying that if i didnt stop he would start harming himself too. it didnt help with the fact he wanted me to be a certain weight and would force me to starve myself, and i had dealt with binge eating as a child & bulimia because of extreme bullying at a previous school. i dont even want to get into the fact he would make me send explicit pictures of myself.

this isnt even half the stuff hes done to me, but i wont disclose because of my own safety.

well how does this tie into p/rsona & j/ba? well we met BECAUSE of those fandoms. he was in a group of people who had their accounts themed for the characters of the p*****m t*****s and s******t c*******s. that group chat we were all in knew i was 12. they knew he was 18. they knew we were dating. they let it slide because he was their friend. they had no idea what he was making me do behind the scenes at all. i broke up with him that september.

in october, i completely changed my aesthetic to not be found. i changed my name. i did everything i fucking could so he wouldnt ever find me again. i was even using an obscure site to post on. he somehow fucking found me. i didnt know it was him at first. he was under a completely different alias. i opened a discord server around this time, and had a link on my profile so my friends and mutuals could join. bad idea. he joined the server and AGAIN i didnt know it was him. he would talk to me in dms and i was never concerned that it was him. things never escalated either.

anyways months go by and im still talking to him without knowing and im thinking of making him a mod. i tell a friend who had been with me the entire time during that whole shitshow during the summer and she says to me "didnt you know thats [his name] lol" i get fucking HYSTERICAL. why tell me now? why tell me now even if you know what happened? i was so paranoid that i banned that friend and him from the server and became scared of everything. i was scared to go online. i was deeply afraid of men, too.

at the time a lot of my social media accounts were connected (including my previous blogs) and i whilst going through my accounts on social media, i notice that hes following me EVERYWHERE. i block him multiple times but alts always came through. the most recent was actually a month ago. i made a joke on twitter about him going to be banned because he had a linktree in his bio and within 5 minutes of that post being up i checked his old account and it was GONE.

i know hes still around under a new alias that he makes music under but i dont know if he knows im here. sorry if you read all this i know its a lot but i felt like i needed an explanation and sorry if its disjointed im not in the right headspace rn

[oh-cramity-its-amity]

OMG OKAY!! i didnt do this sooner cause i fell asleep but here is my rambling :))))!!!

so something i dont get to talk abt/dont talk abt much with people is my love for physical media and collecting physical media- especially music!! i have a stereo that ive had since i was in 8th grade and not to sidetrack the convo much but my dad and i found it way back when in the high school that id go to's football field dumpster. the speakers had come unhooked so they had thrown them out, i guess? anyway we brought it home and while ive gone through a different receiver and many different disk changers, i love this sm.

well the problem is, most of the music i own is from when i was an early teen and not that i dont like that music- i feel like my taste has changed a bunch!! so im slowly trying to get more albums i love now. my taste tho is kinda not mainstream so its not super simple tho 💀.

ANYWAY!!! YESTERDAY I BOUGHT 6 CDS!!! AND IM SUPER EXCITED ABT THEM CAUSE NEW MUSIC!!

phantom planet - self titled

clancy - tøp

coldplay - parachutes

a skylit drive - adelphia

phantom planet - raise the dead

phantom planet - phantom planet is missing

now ur asking probably why im so ecstatic abt them??? (maybe??)

well i had gotten clancy on a whim cause i didnt own it yet and had been meaning to get it. i have all of tøp's albums on cd apart from their earlier albums (self titled and rab) at walmart. it was an album i really loved jst cause it was just- REALLY GOOD. billie's album had dropped the week before and literally may 2024 i was eating SOOOO good with album releases 😭.

anyway this is where i named my cat from lol. this band is important to me and my life.

BUT PHANTOM PLANET'S SELF TITLED ALBUM!!!! THATS THE REASON IM FREAKING OUT OVER IT

i didnt even expect to find it!!! my dad had let me go to my favorite video game store thats got like- games, vinyl, cds, all sorts of collectables and card games and ttrpgs. i truly LOVEE this store, okay?? ive been going here since i was uhhh- a young kid.

anyway they dont always have the best selection of cds jst cause my taste isnt what they have so i rarely pick up anything AND I WASNT GONNA GET ANYTHING EITHER!!! i originally was gonna get resident evil 4 for the wii cause i havent gotten or played that yet and their ps4 selection was trash that day :(. BUT i decided "hey, might as well??" so i got to work scanning everything... and when i got to the p's OH my eyes couldnt believe it!!!

because THAT ALBUM??? I ACTUALLY HAVE BEEN TALKING ABT THAT ALBUM FOR A FEW WEEKS NOW AND I LOVE IT??? i have this list on my phone jst cause i consume a lot of different albums to take note on what albums i wouldnt mind owning physically and this one was one of them!!!! i didnt expect to find it either????

originally id found it through dallon weeks- whom was in panic! for a short while way back when and then split off to do his idkhow stuff- as most people have seen me yap abt how much i loveeee idkhow on here- this is no suprise.

i follow the idkhow tag on here just bc why not?? and a while back someone had posted a video about dallon where he actually had filled or played bass for phantom planet- i forget which. but it was for the song "big brat" - which is on this album!! and i heard the bit of it and though "hey! this sounds... very influential on dallon's work?? its actually good??" so i opened my spotify and added the album for myself.

little side tangent but if i see an album or an artist that even seems remotely interesting ill just add the album for later. i have a whole backlog of music i still have yet to get to but i felt like i should give this one a chance- ALSO THE COVER??? the cover looks so cool. GOOD ALBUM ART. anyway i added the album just because i loved big brat.

and i was playing kh1 a while back- i remember, before id gotten clancy- so like i believe it was june-ish?? i decided "hey. why not?" so i put the self titled album on and played through kh a bit and realized... HEY THE ALBUM IS ACTUALLY REALLY MF GOOD TOO???? so i liked the album lol. BUT THATS NOT WHERE THE STORY ENDS EITHERRRR. bc at work sometimes i blast music on my bluetooth speaker (its not being rude cause its a loud warehouse) and i decided to put this album on like last week- LITERALLY LAST MF WEEK.

AND MY COWORKER CAME UP TO ME AND ASKED ME ABT IT CAUSE SHE LIKED IT AND WAS INTERESTED AND WE HAD A FULL CONVO ABT PHANTOM PLANET AND MUSIC IN GENERAL AND I WAS SO EXCITED TO YAP ABT IT CAUSE LITERALLY NO ONE EVER ASKS IRL LIKE THAT 😭. I FELT SO EXCITED ABOUT GETTING TO SHOW HER THE MUSIC I FOUND.

WHICH- is why i was so excited for finding this!!! bc its literally an album i wanted and had on my list that i wanted to get!!!

and they had two of their other albums there??? id never heard them but i decided ill probably like them too and wanted to take a chance on them.

coldplay was bc they have a buy 3 get the 4th free and ykw i think parachutes is underlooked bc its actually a nice sounding album. i don't listen to coldplay much but this and x & y are good albums. and i figured why not?? itd be nice to just throw on.

a skylit drive- i found at goodwill. ive heard of them but haven't listened to their stuff but it seems promising of a metal album. i didn't even except to FIND a good cd at goodwill either lmao. i had found some the black eyed peas but i put them back cause i didn't need them tbh even though i think their music is chill at times.

uhh- but??? i haven't heard this album yet but it seemed neat so i decided why not. i did pull it up on my phone before i bought it just to see what it sounded like and it wasn't bad!! im gonna have to give it a listen later omg.

but i really really want to get balance and composure's albums rn and deja entendu by brand new. later thooooo.

anyway im v excited abt finding that phantom planet's self titled album????

oh!! i got clairo's charm through my work but it hasnt shown up yet along w my headphone extension cable for my stereo so i can listen to my stereo on my couchhhh. i was gonna order more cds soon w them cause free lol but also i just want to get more music and use my stereo againnnnn

also @sapphosdickandballs , i saw ur ask but heres me rambling :)

hey!!!! i bought some cds today!!!! does anyone want to see or hear me talk about them??? i bought one album id been looking for!!!! completely by surprise i found it!!! rly happy abt it omg cause it was on my list of albums i wanted to own physically!!!! :]

[yerdad]

Hi! Know I've been inactive for a bit and that probably isn't gonna change! I have other stuff to say but it'll be in the tags lol

[anauro]

it’s so confusing to me and i’m trying to educate myself but i get so much backlash when i ask and i get it no one owes someone to help educate them but then they ask why people aren’t educated on a subject it’s like no one will explain

how can you identify as a man and still want to be pregnant? does that not go against your gender identity? i understand some people can’t afford bottom surgery but wouldn’t getting pregnant as a trans male go against who you are considering giving birth is well a women or i guess nb thing?

im not trying to be hateful or rude i’m just curious and trying to learn

Hi anon,

I am not a trans man, so I may not be the best person to address this. I know there are trans men following me, but currently none has this information in their bio, so I will not be tagging them. They can interact with this post if they’d like to.

I will put the rest under the cut, because it's a sensitive topic and some people may not want to read it. I will also tag your ask with warnings, even though I understand you are just curious. Don't take it the wrong way, it is just to avoid dysphoria in people who'd rather not read this.

My advice would be to either google this (quora and reddit has plenty of threads like that) or ask a trans man directly.

I can provide my opinion as a person who isn't cis, but I don't see myself as a man either.

So.

In my opinion, genitals are not something that define you or your gender identity. A trans man may chose to undergo full surgical transition or may stay in the body they were born in and not even go on hormonal treatment. Trans men who aren't on T or who don't bind are just as much men and as valid as the rest of the male identifying community.

I believe this is the first thing you, anon, need to understand. Genitals do not equal gender. Not all trans people want to change their bodies and their genitals. Not only is this a painful, long and expensive process, it is also a risky one and sometimes it's just something that's not desired by the person in question.

I personally am not happy in my current body, I find it too feminine and gross, but it brings me great joy to think there are trans and nb folks out there who don't experience that. I don't identify with they/them pronouns, I go by she/he but am AFAB. For that reason, consuming trans men media (reading, writing, art, porn) feels very euphoric to me. I don't always relate to them, I wouldnt want to be viewed as strictly a man (I like both), but my anatomy relates closer to trans men than it does to trans women or cis women. It makes me feel happy to write trans male characters, simply put.

A man with a vagina or a woman with a penis is perfectly valid.

People who are born with a uterus can choose to use it and I don't think the desire to have biological children invalidates their gender identity. This mentality that pregnancy is a women-unique experience is a social construct and nothing more.

If you want to understand the trans and nb community, you must first understand that nothing in this world belong strictly to one gender only. Anyone can wear suits. Anyone can wear dresses and heels. Anyone can have a penis. Anyone can be pregnant.

Pregnancy for me is something extremely dysphoric. Even before I realised I am not cis, I have had extreme reservations about it. If I ever become pregnant, I would consider myself a pregnant man cause the mentality that I am a pregnant woman would be too damaging for me.

So to wrap it up, this is not a trans man talking, but a genderfluid person. You, anon, need to get rid of this 'x is a women's thing and y is a men' thing' mentality. Or that the state of one's body and their organs and genitals define them. Gender roles are a social construct and a very harmful one.

If anything in this post is factually incorrect or transphobic, please feel free to point it out to me. I too am still learning and always willing to be pointed out where my obnoxiousness or privilege is showing. Similarly, if I missed a tag - let me know asap!

Lastly, I'd like people to not comment on the personal things I described here. If you know me a bit better (aka if we talked one to one on discord), then feel free to message me, but otherwise I am sorry, but I don't care what people think of my personal experiences.

[peachsayshi]

i just wanna say i’m glad i have found my people!! when that whole thing about gege saying gojo couldn’t be faithful to a woman i immediately took it as he COULDNT, not that he necessarily WOULDNT. i have always taken it as him being the strongest sorcerer means leaving a target on his and his loved one’s backs, or just generally not wanting any distractions. or even maybe his own personal demons… *cough*geto*cough* but it blew my mind that people ran with gojo the womanizer after that as if the man hasn’t proven he is an actual marshmallow inside. it’s still fun to joke about.

i also have a question that i’m curious about. do you separate geto from pre and post darkness take over? or do you think about one more than the other? before geto seemed to want to be polite, follow the rules, trying to uphold shaman standards… do you think he ever really wanted to live by shaman standards, it was all an act, and he was always a manipulative dark man that was just waiting for something to click? sometimes i find myself with hcs for two very different people when it’s only meant to be him 🙃 i hope that even made sense

Anon! 💖 I'm answering your q's below since this is a little long:

I agree! I feel like the fandom really just dwindled Gojo's character down to either an idiot or some type of playboy and while I think it's fun to explore characters in whatever version you choose to see them, I can't help but be a little protective over Gojo 🥺 I feel like his immature behavior shouldn't equate to him being so two dimensional ...but I'll stop myself from rambling!

This is an interesting question!!

A part of me wants to separate Geto as the "good" version and "bad" version, but honestly that's hard to do. I feel like Gege does a great job at emphasizing the qualities of humanity - in which nobody in the world is perfect, and the constant question of morals and reason are one of the major themes in the story itself.

There is tragedy in being a jujutsu sorcerer, and what I love about the story is that they highlight that.

As evil as Suguru was, he embodies the morally grey character really well to me - the turning point of what made him become a villain is rooted in a reason that I can empathize with, which was Riko's death.

I think he's always had an ego, which is why I'm not surprised about his ability to be able to manipulate, but I think Riko's death was his biggest failure and maybe even had him questioning the purpose of his responsibilities that he once strived to uphold. I also think that's the point where his own darkness starts to make it's presence known, and I think for somebody who once was following the "right" path, it must have been difficult for him not to cross over, especially when he was so impacted by what happened.

Suguru still really cares, because his snaps after finding Mimiko & Nanako caged and beaten. He immediately sees himself in those two girls, and I think that was his deciding factor.

My point is, his reasons for being "bad" are still centered around compassionate emotions. Like, a good contrast would be Mahito, who I feel like is evil for evil's sake.

I literally just read a SatoSugu fic today by @half-baked-biscuit and she said this line which I feel like perfectly describes Suguru's character: “...I learned I’m only appreciated for what I can do, not for who I am.”

His downfall fed into some crazy ideals, but honestly all I keep seeing is somebody who is broken. I think in a way he balances Gojo's character really well - because as Gojo grew stronger and began to follow the path that Suguru was already leading, Geto just wound up crashing and burning in the end.

This is the reason why I love villains/morally grey characters because they are so multi-dimensional and complex as hell! I totally get what you're saying, but I think the fun part of Suguru's character is understanding that he is neither inherently good or evil 😊

I'm so sorry for rambling...I literally just love him so much lmao

let's chat

[blxetsi]

armin arlert, mikasa ackerman, and eren jaeger polyamorous headcanons (modern au)

armin arlert x gn!reader, mikasa ackerman x gn!reader, eren jaeger x gn!reader, mikasa x armin x eren x gn!reader

warnings: uhh fluff, this is very long, reader has a gf b4 getting w ema,

this is like my first post since feb that isnt a request 😍😍😍 how did i pull this out of my ass

- obv eren, mikasa, and armin have been besties since childhood so its no wonder they all got together first 🤩🙏

- and theyre all hot so why wouldnt they wanna date each other

- i think armin and eren wouldve gotten together first, and then invited mikasa into their relationship

- the three of them have been officially going steady for like over a year now, and its going really well

- they didnt really expect you to drop into their lives tho

- youre an old friend of historia's and you two reconnected after you moved to the city, securing yourself a decent paying job working as a writer for the city paper

- you usually get the boring stuff, never able to get a good story to write about, focusing your time on heartwarming stories in the community or the sports column

- its boring but it pays the bills

- you were thankful when historia called you during your lunch and asked if you wanted to get drinks at a bar with her and a couple of other friends

- of course you said yes

- so historia and her girlfriend ymir picked you up after work, having dinner with them after a long week was the best, but you were a bit nervous to meet all of their friends

- thats how you met eren, mikasa and armin

- at first you were sure that mikasa and eren were dating, seeing as mikasa had her head on the taller man's shoulder, while his arm was wrapped around her

- but when armin leaned down to give mikasa a kiss before heading off to the bar you werent so sure

- ymir pulled you away to get more drinks and explained to you what the situation was, while commenting on the way you gawked at the three of them before

- you were embarassed to say the least but they didnt bring it up that night so you hoped the throuple didnt notice (they did)

- you really hit it off with all of them though, especially sasha and jean, and were constantly talked about among the friend group

- because of your demanding job dealing with writers block and deadlines you couldnt really meet up with all of them often, usually just having sleepovers at ymir and historia's apartment, the three of you drinking while you wrote on your laptop

- after a couple months of casual hangouts with historia and ymir and their friends, you kinda became one of them too which was nice

- you were added to the groupchat, you all followed each other on social media, and a certain brunet had taken a liking to you

- eren didnt know why exactly he was so attracted to you but he was, maybe it was your hair, or how pretty your skin looked even when oily or with breakouts, maybe it was your smile or your body or your sense of humor or you kindness or maybe it was all of it

- eren jaeger would always stay faithful to his boyfriend and girlfriend, but maybe they could add another person into the mix, more to love right ?

- he had only known you for a couple of months though, he didnt want to jump the gun and bring this up with his partners so soon, especially if they didnt feel the same way he did

- and it would be a bummer if you turned out to be a bad person or smth

- so summer rolls around with lots of memories being made with your new friends, as well as friends from work, and you get a girlfriend ??

- shes not really your girlfriend you two have only been out on a couple of dates and she kisses you a lot but, you havent talked about labels

- one night you, along with your friends are back at the same bar where you first met them

"so, tell us about the girl youre seeing." ymir says, smirking over her beer.

eren's ears perked up at the mention of you seeing someone. "girl ?"

historia nodded. "mhm ! y/n's been talking to someone recently, they've gone on dates and kissed and stuff."

"and stuff, jesus tori you make it sound like we've had sex." you sighed.

the blonde just laughed, leaning her body onto her freckled companion.

"well ? what about her ?" eren asks. armin slapped him on the arm, already having suspicions about eren's interest in you.

your shoulders sagged. "well, she's great and everything, truly..."

"but ? is there a but in this ?" connie asked. sasha started laughing at connie's use of the word but, while jean slapped the girl on the arm because of her reaction.

you shrugged, swirling what was left of your fruity cocktail in your glass. "well, i'm not sure. she's very lively, and sweet. but i don't know, i just don't see myself being able to be in a steady relationship with her."

"so you're gonna end it ?" eren asked. you thought he seemed a bit too eager about your failure in the love department.

"why do you care so much ? you like the thought of me being lonely ?" you shot back, before downing the rest of your drink.

"no i just-"

"i think what eren means is," mikasa intervened, her smooth voice calming you as she looked at you with a smile on her face. "is that there's no point in staying with her if you can't see yourself with her. don't lead her on."

you nodded. "you're exactly right my friend. which is the plan for tonight because i," you quickly checked the time on your phone. 8:17. "have a date with miss molly at nine, so i will be taking my leave."

the group engaged in a chorus of boos for leaving so early, while you chuckled and took the lighthearted insults thrown at you by sasha and connie with ease. grabbing all of your things you put down two twenties onto the table. "i'll see you guys later, have a goodnight." as you walked off you heard jean yell "have a good time you heartbreaker !" making you shake your head

- the date with molly went less then well. she yelled, and cried, and even tried hitting you at one point. your walk back from the park was spent blocking her on every form of social media you followed her on, and when you got back to your apartment you spent the night in a hot bath before retiring to bed

- meanwhile, armin and mikasa were trying to pry the truth out of eren, who was constantly denying his attraction to you

- finally mikasa took one for the team "eren, you aren't alone with the way you feel, i do too." this made eren more willing to open up to his partners

- armin doesnt say anything about you, only saying how youre kind. he doesnt feel the way that his girlfriend and boyfriend do, but he knows that may change

- soon enough, more time flies and christmas rolls around, with you all deciding to have a secret santa get together.

- historia invites everyone to her home on christmas eve, with ymir begrudgingly allowing it

- bertholdt and annie come too, reiner not being able to make it due to going home for christmas, while everyone else decided to stay in the city

- you picked out your secret santas at the beginning of november so you would all have enough time to find something for each other, you hoped whoever picked your name gave you something good

- after hours of games and karaoke and drinking you all decided it was time to open the presents

- ymir got socks from bertholdt, connie got an ugly beanie from ymir, historia got new pens from mikasa, mikasa got knitting needles from annie, annie got a dumbell from eren, jean got a not so appropriate t shirt from connie, jean gave sasha more comic books, armin gave new stationary paper to bertholdt, sasha gifted you that new biography you've been wanting to read and you gave armin your old copy of frankenstein by mary shelley

- he was surprised but very thankful, "how did you know i needed a new copy ?" "well i remember you said eren spilt water on your old one, and the pages just stuck together so i thought you might as well have mine"

- it warmed armin's heart that you remembered something so insignificant, and opened him up to the thought of being with you

- the rest of the night was spent with hugs and thankfulness, cheering when the clock struck 12 and it became christmas day

- after getting things cleaned up everyone decided it was time to leave, with armin, eren and mikasa offering to give you a ride home

- a ride where armin straight up kissed you in the backseat

- you stopped him of course, thinking that it was weird he would cheat on his partners right in front of them, while they were shocked all on their own for different reasons, armin who didnt have feelings for you KISSED you

- and surprisingly armin took the lead in explaining how he felt, why he kissed you, an apology for doing so, and an offer to start dating all three of them

- your heart was pounding in your ears and your entire face felt hot, it was probably the alcohol, or the way his lips felt so soft when they touched yours, so you said yes.

- its not smooth sailing from there

- youre kind of awkward

- this is your first relationship where you really feel like you could love these guys (you already do) but its also your first relationship with multiple people

- the trio start inviting you over more often, soon for sleepovers, and start inviting themselves over at your own place, mainly eren

- he just comes at random times, sometimes when youre not even there and waits for you, or stays and cleans up a bit before leaving

- armin and you share a deep love of literature, and you often find yourselves in hot debates about whatever youve read (mikasa and eren have to pry you two away before things get physical)

- mikasa likes to cook with you, she shares recipes that her mom taught her, and her and armin love to cook dinner together whereas eren is the breakfast maker of the household

- the first time you slept in the same bed as them you were so nervous your whole body thumped to the tune of your heartbeat, you were convinced armin could even hear it as he was laying beside you, but eren wrapped an arm around your waist, pulling you into his large chest before whispering "youre as stiff as a board, relax honey"

- eren snores, mikasa drools, armin has those dreams where you fall and then violently wake up before you hit the ground

- slowly but surely you stop thinking about your relationship as the trio and you, but as all of you together, and that really helps you come out of your shell a bit

- you may still be in the honeymoon phase, and there may be bumps along the way, but you like being with armin, eren, and mikasa. they make you so happy, it feels like the happiest youve been in a long time

- you like watching eren and armin dance in the living room while you and mikasa cuddle on the couch, before the boys pull you two up as well

- you like when armin reads to you, his soft voice reciting the words of the great gatsby

- you like it when eren can just tell youve had a rough day, and pulls you into a hug like hes protecting you from all the bad things in the world

- you love being with them. you love them. and you think that theyre it for you

i rushed the ending bc im fucking tired but i kinda wanna do a poly!series with like sasha, connie and jean, or annie, bertholdt and reiner, or any other poly ships u guys may request !

so yeah pls give me feedback it rlly helps me figure out whether you want a polyamorous series (or just like what i write in general), and it would be my first series ever which would be super cool anyways

yeah requests open for poly!ships anyways

[glitchbirds]

tmi/transitioning related things (mostly centered around surgery in this specific post), mildly nsfw at points. also this is very long

ok why do i find it easier to talk about these things on here, a public account where strangers and vague acquaintances follow me, than on my private twitter where only friends (mostly v close ones) follow me. idk. it just feels less embarrassing (IE: humiliating) if i picture the intended audience as more neutral/mixed and not consisting of multiple people who have met me in person and/or who have known me since middle/high school

also this is very rambly and maybe not coherent. apologies. this has been swirling in the back of my head since last night and im just throwing it into text post form and proceeding to pretend to forget it exists.

i feel like for most of my life i was extremely ambivalent about top/bottom surgery personally because i had such a detached sense of self (let alone attachment to my physical body) that i just didnt care. and as i got older i at least reached a point of like, ok, top surgery is definitely in the cards because i dont like my chest and its more of an inconvenience than anything, but i never really thought of it as like, overtly dysphoria-inducing to have breasts? my main issue was (and still is) always just how other people view their presence on my body. ive tried wearing a binder a grand total of two times, but it was uncomfortable (esp since i am Fat) and just drew my attention MORE to their presence. and this year it finally hit me that a lot of my current issues w/ my chest are resolved if i just… dont wear bras anymore. because just like a binder, bras mean im constantly thinking about the pressure on my chest. so i dont and im significantly better off for it, even though i Am constantly worried by the possibility of people staring. like. i have a big chest unfortunately and (sorry) the nipples are constantly making their presence known. but like. even when i wore bras the nipples constantly showed and i hated THAT too but at least now i dont think about them as much when im in public unless im speaking to someone directly, but then i can at least cross my arms or something.

ftr. the knowledge that just Deleting The Nipples Outright is even an Option with top surgery was a game changer and ive been set on that for years. i honestly think if you forced me to chose between removing the breasts and keeping the nipples, or removing the nipples and keeping the breasts, id have to think about it for a long time before deciding, because i think the latter option would solve way more of my remaining dysphoria than the former. having a chest does not bother me tremendously because again I Am Fat and fat cis men can have large chests too, so it doesnt feel like it automatically makes me read as A Woman to strangers... just in combination with other factors.

(in the end i would probably settle on top surgery and keeping the nipples if i HAD to, if only because i suspect the breasts to have some connection to chronic pain, but it wouldnt be ideal for me. i want these bitches gone.)

as for bottom surgery… WELL. no one on this god damn website(or twt) likes talking about bottom surgery seriously, or at least no one i know, which is unfortunate because it makes me feel like im alone here in caring about it in any capacity. i feel like a lot of my transmasc/trans guy friends only want(ed) top surgery and dont care about bottom surgery, which is absolutely fine and i support that and love that, but it does make it feel very difficult to even acknowledge the possibility that i might want it for myself because its like theres no precedent. (and ofc theres also the possibility that out of my friends there are others who are in the same boat as me and just dont want to talk about it publicly, which. Very Fair because clearly i am also having issues just Talking About It.)

ive also gone back and forth over wanting it for years, and then back and forth about what Kind i’d want, though ive learned over time that phallo is preferred for fat transmasc ppl and its probably what i would lean more towards getting for myself regardless of that. though the fact that its more expensive/can have more complications/requires more surgical procedures and longer recovery time, Does Scare Me A Bit, and that circles back into the aforementioned "i feel like a freak talking about this at all in the first place" feeling... like i dont even know how to talk about having these concerns in the first place because i feel like nearly everyone i know has simply decided to not bother with this and will somehow judge me for wanting it for myself. even though im aware thats nonsense. idk. just the fact that its literally Dick Surgery combined with my usual aggressively high levels of self-isolation = This Is The Most Humiliating Topic In The World To Me. how dare i acknowledge to others that i possess genitalia or that i may wish to alter them in some fashion to feel more comfortable. i feel like if i DID go through w/ getting phallo i would just go radio silent online throughout the whole process for months on end because id be too nervous to even acknowledge its happening.

which, in general is also something i wish i could fix in myself. :/ i have spent the majority of my life becoming more and more private and for the most part i dont think thats a bad thing but it unfortunately is/was combined with a lot of repression and trauma and im just barely beginning to fully untangle some of that and now im in a place where i dont WANT to be as reticent as i am but it feels impossible to really stop; and/or i feel like people ive known for years will be shocked and appalled if i suddenly acknowledge the fact that i am a human being capable of carnal thought. like, man, fucking look at the way im talking about this and dancing around the subjects. look at it. i am twenty five years old. i am a mess.

i think my other major concern w/ phallo that i didnt already note above is connected to this- i dont mind the idea of having skin graft scars, but i DO mind the possibility of someone looking at a scar on my arm and being able to tell. you know? like idk, someone knowing im trans and seeing that scar and suddenly Knowing the state of my genitalia without me even acknowledging it. which is probably. me being extremely paranoid for no good reason, because phallo isnt the only procedure in the world that requires skin grafts, most people in the world are not super well versed in Transmasc Surgery details, i could chose less obvious sites for skin grafts like the thigh, etc. but the thought just makes me deeply uncomfortable. though not AS uncomfortable as it used to make me? testosterone has done a LOT for me the past few months to make some of these things matter less to me and get me over some of these hangups i have had for the majority of my life and i am deeply deeply grateful for that. like i can guarantee i would not be making this post if i was not on T because i would just be too freaked out by the vague possibility of anyone actually reading this fucking Manifesto im crafting here.

idkkkk. it wouldnt be the end of the world if i decide against getting bottom surgery in the near-ish future- or ever- but like. GRIMACING ok let me rip THIS bandaid off, i have never in my entire life been comfortable with penetration . it is either uncomfortable or outright painful. i suspect i have vaginismus or something similar, and i know there are treatments for that and i could eventually reach a point where i Am comfortable with it, but frankly i do not Care. while there are times where i may wish that this was not a problem i have, i am mostly content with allowing a significant portion of my equipment to remain in relative disuse.

so like. idk. frankly it would probably be better for me to go through the whole process of bottom surgery so i actually have Fully Functional Genitals for the first time ever. ftr even typing that sentence makes me want to die i am like at war with myself and my own prudishness even when i am as vague as possible. i am also cutting out a LOT of other details rn because i would probably just keel over from a heart attack if i Did include them.

Ok Well. i have talked for like 1500 words about my problems disorders and publicly humiliated myself enough for one day. if youve read through this whole thing you have nothing but my apologies. and also my gratitude. but mostly the apologies.

[wasflypaw]

I'm in the mood to open up about shit that's been bothering me today so like.

Hi I'm 21

I Am An Adult

I am an adult that uhhhhh doesnt know how to function like one though. I didnt have very much of a childhood (neglectful mother 😔) n I was taken away at the age of 12

I have special needs/learning disabilities that nobody really... Helped me with. Alongside diagnosed severe anxiety and also selective mutism meaning I was shit at learning, terrified to do Anything, And also was completely nonverbal

I'd get stressed and bite/scratch myself in classes and its safe to say the teachers didnt know what to do LMAO

I failed most of my classes. I went to college (sixth form) and that was also too hard to understand. Failed those. Seriously my anxiety was debilitating one of my classes was Photography and I was too scared to take photos

I'd get yelled at a Lot if I failed to do something which made the anxiety Worse and I'm not joking I came home Every Single Day with the anxiety that I'd be randomly shouted at for something I didnt know I did. Fun. Never learned how to deal w my anxiety

Not Only That but since I didnt know what a hyperfixation was back then or that I was even autistic my interests had taken over my life and they were all i could think about in school. Since that stuff is never taught i never learned how to deal w hyperfixations

I got sent to a special needs college thing that was Supposed to help me learn things like cooking and tidying up and going out by myself n interacting w people. But once again they didnt know how to help me and I was taken out bc they just kinda had me sit in a corner on the internet all day lol

I find politics hard to understand and also maths and geography

I legit dunno how to cook and I learned how to tie a knot a few months ago (...I'd been avoiding it) I never learned how to stop stimming or deal w my hyperfixations

I found out what stimming was at like 19 and I'm like Oh Shit it's Not normal to sit and make weird noises and rapidly flap my hands around??

I have a legal guardian

It doesn't help I'm also very... not grown. I was born Way Too Small. I didnt grow taller than 5'0. People seem to think I'm 12 a lot

That's why I'm so proud of all my analysis recently - I'm still not sure how to word things sometimes and my hyperfixation tends to take over my life and have me post repeatedly on one topic but still,,,,

There are analysis posts on here that I find hard to read and understand like if they use huuuge words and stuff (that's why u shouldnt say stuff like "ppl are too dumb to understand my analysis/ppl who dont understand this lack critical thinking/my takes are too nuanced for you" in ur posts. Dont insult intelligence) I also still dont know Maths i just. Cannot. I think I might have Dyscalculia

I've kinda. Self-taught myself stuff like my art and my vocabulary since I spend all day every day in the house on my phone. I've learned by myself how to tone down hyperfixations and step away if something makes me too uncomfortable and stuff

That's why I tend to look up to the ppl I follow and get really happy when any of them approve or find my posts cool lmao i have my own opinions but I'm scared they're wrong a lot

I admit I get very passionate sometimes but I genuinely enjoy analysing the DSMP - this is also why I dislike direct arguments / why I block on sight if I see an uncomfortable take or why I delete posts if I find out OP is a minor bc. I'd feel like a fool sat here arguing w kids over MC roleplay AJDJFK .. also cause I have a lot of followers and I wouldnt want anyone dogpiling them

I think my age might tie in to why I'm so sympathetic towards c!Tommy and have 0 sympathy for c!Dream. And why I Will say "he's a kid" bc when I was 16-17 I certainly thought I was mature but I really,, wasnt. There's still so much room to grow. And c!Dream is My Age. "c!Dream is a young adult he's still young!" Bitch I barely know how to function and I know right from wrong I have zero sympathy for that man

I dont have a job since I just. Cant get one. I draw cats and sometimes get like £15 out of it sometimes. I'm just Here and Vibing. I literally just exist. I cant leave the house while its sunny bc I'm allergic to sunscreen

I still find it way more comfortable to hang out around ppl my age rather than anyone below say... 18 because I'm Still an adult regardless of my struggles (sorry to any of my mutuals who are minors this is probably why I dont interact w you much ajdjrk)

I'm always so ashamed of this fact like yeah I'm a 21 year old yeah my hobby and also hyperfixation is talking about Minecraft YouTubers bc I dont have a job 😭

I'm the shining example of "these disorders are usually spotted early in kids! - but what if you literally Never help them and just let them grow like that lol"