#but also maybe im just projecting i love having religious trauma

[brrdhouse]

i think about characters relationships to religion a normal amount

[narcissusbrokenmirror]

Alex Mercer + catholic trauma really does something for me, i like reading fanfics abt it cuz it feels like home. shout out to all the projecting Alex writers out there.But i think its funny how inaccurate it is. not in a bad way ofc. But i have thoughts about 90's gay teen Alex. I need to get them out. But i think its funny how inaccurate it is. not in a bad way ofc. But i have thoughts about 90's gay teen Alex. I need to get them out.

I mean its the 90's, religion is not the only thing making people homophobic there, besides toxic masculinity being pretty much a thing, there was also the post aids moment, so despite the 90's not being the most homophobic era ever, gay people were like, a presence, on the social groups, especially on the art/acting/music scene. so, for me, it makes sense when Kenny Ortega says Alex was a proud character of his identity as a gay young man.

doesn't add up to me tho, being gay + proud + christian + in the 90's. like, you dont grow up proud of being queer if u spend your life hearing negative rhetoric about it. so i, personally, don't think Alex's family was religious.

Alex's family doesn't look religious and Alex doesn't seem into it, as well. Alex being confident, proud, relaxed and sarcastic brings me to think that he came from a very liberal family that was also homophobic. picture this with me.

the grunge/rock scene is full of people trying to make into a club that only people who look a certain way can be there, they're full of toxic masculinity behavior there. Alex's not like it, he knows better that rock is much more about expressing yourself through music and feeling with others, rather than how you look, you knows its bullshit. and im only mentioning this bc Alex doesn't dress like alt ppl usually do, he's always in this relaxed outfit, the same black sweatpants and different soft colored shirts and jackets, he doesn't put an effort to how he looks, he just wants to be comfortable. and not caring how you look as long as ur comfortable? rock behavior ig

Alex being confident and proud tells us about the background he came from. If his family considered him trustworthy and let Alex make his own choices without interfering even if they don't like it, certainly he did NOT came from a religious household.

Alex is a drummer, that shit expensive for you to just have a whole kit hanging around, so his parents probably got it for him, they supported his band and let him have his friends around, they were warm and loving, helping into building Alex's sense of self worth, which is very nice.

so we don't have anything concrete abt Alex's past relationships, but i guess he first came out to his band and then his parents, Luke says Alex never had a boyfriend, but Alex being so certain that he was having a mutual connection with Willie would feel weird if it was the first time Alex flirted with a guy. nah. He probably did met other gay boys on clubs and concerts, flirted, made out once or twice, maybe even gone on dates, you know, teenager things.

the shit happened when he came out to his parents and they gave him the cold shoulder and silence treatment. because they had reasons to not want their son to be gay. Gay people were seen as dirty, sick, perverted, pedophiles, promiscuous and also a target for violence. As a parent, they wouldn't want his son that they loved and supported so much to be associated with such a marginalized group. But it's their son, after all, they couldn't throw him away. So they didn't locked Alex away from his friends, wasn't thrown out of his house, wasn't forced to get that "fixed up". Because Alex was their son, but they didn't want that part of him there, they didn't wanted to know about it.

Alex having his friends over would always click a question on his parents' mind for what if they aren't just friends, what can they be doing together when they're not looking (bc you know, gay people dont have feelings or connections, its all about the sex), what else could Alex's dad think when he sees Luke sneaking out of Alex's room wearing his shirt? and the problem is centered around it happening near to them, whatever Alex does outside their roof is his business, but his homosexuality is not welcome on the Mercer's house. Although, they didn't felt comfortable around Alex anyway, bc inside their heads, they knew that he couldn't keep his homosexuality off when they were together. they couldn't process that their son would be a homosexual, they couldn't love that, they could love their son, but not that.

Alex probably knew that, probably thought that it would eventually stop and they would be normal, warm and loving again, that they would support him again, probably because he didn't had his parents' love hold against some condition, as if he had to earn it. (As it is pretty common in religious households) It doesn't mean he wouldn't get hurt from it, he did and it was a lot, the lack of love, attention and support that he got from his came out, after a life of being given proper dosis of love and being allowed to be who he was. By the way Alex deals with changes, that shit was probably getting to his head.

Alex knew he deserved better than being treated like that, he knew he deserved his family to love him bc they always did and that they shouldn't define him by one element that would always be a part of him, he knew he deserved it to be a part of his life, deserved to bring a nice guy he met home to meet his parents instead of sneaking them in and out like he had to live it secretly. He didn't wanted that, it wasn't fair to him. He shouldn't have to feel ashamed enough to hide it from his dad bc his dad shouldn't want him to be ashamed of himself.

Alex was decided to stop caring about his parents thought of him, even if it meant them not being a part of his life, not that he wanted it this way, bc he didn't. But if they could change once, they could change again.

[ao3feed-destiel-02]

god left a long time ago (and took the tenderness with him)

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/yq3wJp0 by ijusthavealotoffeelings It’s strange, Castiel thinks, how your body can become a memorial to your own suffering. OR After a fateful day when a newly-human Cas is taken prisoner and subjected to the worst humanity has to offer, he has to learn and re-learn what it means to love and be loved within a body that has endured so much trauma. Luckily for him, he has his family and the love of his life there to help him through it. Words: 5439, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Fandoms: Supernatural (TV 2005) Rating: Explicit Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con Categories: M/M Characters: Castiel (Supernatural), Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Jody Mills, Claire Novak, Kaia Nieves Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel & Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Castiel & Claire Novak Additional Tags: Post-Season/Series 10 AU, maybe? this fic doesn't have a specific timeline, ok i suck at tags but it's important for this one so let's get the major stuff out of the way, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Rape Aftermath, Aftermath of Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, yes this fic does get fairly dark, it explores the aftermath and healing of sexual assault, but it still has a happy ending because those are just the kinds of stories i write, Lets Play A Game Called, How Much Can I Project Onto My Favorite Characters in One Fic?, seriously though guys, this is just a lot a lot of me projecting my own experiences and trauma onto cas, trigger warning, seriously please read with caution!, READ THE TAGS YA'LL!!, i don't want anyone to get triggered reading this, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, is my catholic guilt showing in this?? hmm, again. this is just me projecting. everyone deals with sexual assault differently, pretty much based off my own experiences, ok i realized i'm making this sound super depressing but i swear it's hopeful too, my life in a nutshell really, ok right back to actual tags, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Past Prostitution, ok i think i got em all, me actually acknowledging both sam and dean's canon trauma bc the writers suck at it, everybody needs therapy in this fic, Domestic Team Free Will (Supernatural), Fluff, because there is some in this fic believe it or not!!, i pinky promise this has a happy ending!!!!!, also there is of course consensual smut in this bc im me, SO, With that in mind, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Developing Relationship, Love Confessions, First Time, First Kiss read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/yq3wJp0

[autocann1bal]

part nine of my playlist analysis!!

part 1 <;- part 2 &lt;- part 3 <- part 4 <- part 5 &lt;- part 6 <- part 7 <- part 8 <-

christ thats a lot of parts WOOO HERE WE GO

animal - neon trees HRFDHFHRHFHF IM GOING INSANE. this is so random butbutbut what if they went to a roller skating rink and this song played and lockwood and lucy did a silly little dance to it but neither of them know how to skate so it just looked so goofy but so cute and george recorded the whole thing. 

saline solution - wilbur soot gonna tell me george ISNT a hypochondriac?? gonna tell me lucy and lockwood dont sit with him when hes going through a particularly bad paranoia episode and help him through it?? no!! no youre not!! la jolla - wilbur soot this is so lockwood drinking tea alone in his room at 4am contemplating life core. since i saw vienna - wilbur soot same thing as the last one but its lucy and its raining. like or like like - miniature tigers lockwood getting super nervous around lucy all the time and shes just like ??? i think youre really cool - gaurdin the chokehold this song had on me in 2020 anyway lockwood is one jealous mf and hes losing it bc lucy talked to other boys. drive slow - addie literally just every cab ride after a stressful case. theyre holding hands and both of them know it but refuse to acknowledge it. george is asleep, lucy and lockwood are just kinda looking at eachother. they dont know what to do. theyre chillin. love like you - caleb hyles you know i had too. i just had too. its just them. little dark age - mgmt i have an entire animatic in my head for this one should i makeit maybe i should. heat waves - glass animals hrfhfhrhf lockwood pacing around his room trying to figure out these stupid feelings he has and hes so confused and UH OH lucy is knocking on the door. line without a hook - ricky montgomery whys it always ily and never idrgadatwytmwwa painkiller - beach bunny mm locklyle fight and makeup. cloud 9 - beach bunny BUT WHEN HE LOVESS MEEEEE I FEEL LIKE IM FLOATINGGGG WHEN HE CALLS ME PRETTYYYYY I FEEEEL LIKE SOMEBODYYYYYYYYYYYYYY -lucy giggling and kicking her feet probably. good old fashioned loverboy - queen LOCKWOODS SONG LOCKWOODS SONG HES SUCH A GOOD OLD FASHIONED LOVERBOY CMON YOU KNOW HE IS. oh klahoma - jack stauber i dont know why this one is here it just is deal with it. you are going to hate this - the frights basicallt just the like or like like one in a slightly different font. this side of paradise - coyote theory WAILS SCREAMS SOBS CRIES EATS DRYWALL ITS THEM ITS THEM YOUR HONOR ITS THEM. ophelia - the lumineers shes his ophelia :D. are you bored yet - wallows, clairo ot3 spring picnic vibes. can i call you tonight - dayglow lockwood trying to figure out how to ask out lucy thats it thats the tweet. out of my league - fitz and the tantrums 'if i die dont wake me, cuz you are more than just a dream' hes so in love with her its pathetic. honey and glass - peyton cardoza lucy!!! lucy!!!!!!!! LUCY!!!!!!!! its lucy, arms tonight - mother mother literally just every time lockwood has almost died in lucys arms. cuz its. a lot. little pistol - mother mother george?? question mark??? idk george vibes. but also lockwood a little bit idk. saint bernard - lincoln throws my lockwood with religious trauma hc at you yes im projecting be quiet. wish you were sober - conan gray OK JUST HEAR ME OUTTTT HEAR ME OUT LOCKWOOD GETS A LIL BIT DRUNK AT A FITTES PARTY OR SMTH IDK AND LUCY AND GEORGE HAVE TO GET HIM HOME AND HES LITERALLY JUST BABBLING ABOUT HOW PRETTY BOTH OF THEM ARE PLEASE ITS SO FUNNY. manta rays - chloe moriondo hrhfhrhhfhhfhf lucy is so cute and shes so in love with him theyre like reading in the library or smth and shes just looking at him like hes the fucking stars theyre so cute. strawberry blond - mitski nice summer vibes in the countryside they are running around in a field your honor. watch you sleep. - girl in red i just think that the sun is shining on lockwood through a window in the morning and is hitting him jsut right and lucy is just <33-ing at him. dude the next one is part 10 im deteriorating LETSA GOO

[girlucifer]

hi hey hello if you're down for it i'd love to hear ur simeon headcanons for any of 2, 5, 11, and/or 12?

hello cereal and yes i would love to!!

2. moral weak spots

i think he’d have tremendous sympathy and compassion for those who sin with strong and loving intents, who fight for a just cause. i am projecting a lot here but i think simeon grew up surrounded by such celestial beings and having that holiness seeping into every aspect of his life, he was blind to the notion that good people do bad things and vice versa. he best understood that his previous mentality was flawed when lucifer revolted- not because of his pride and arrogance, but because his sister was condemned for being in love + other unnamed catalytic reasons [i headcanon that the celestial realm is actually a very rotten place - perhaps lucifer had enough of a god who is not everloving. yes i am very much placing my own religious trauma onto this cute little otome game] so yeah. that’s why we see simeon pushing luke to make his own decisions and have his own opinions, as simeon did not have that luxury growing up, having been spoonfed propaganda his childhood [early in the game i think, we see how simeon says his teaching style is to let luke live and learn through experience]. simeon would stumble upon luke upset that he is mad over [something unfair]. simeon sits him down and explains gently with a kind smile - ‘you’re right to feel upset, feel angry. that’s good- it shows you have a strong sense of justice. now use that anger- and change the world with it.’

5. guilty pleasures

human world cigarettes, bad cheesy rom-coms, getting lost in daydreams...

11. bad or petty habits

he’s always vague. mc’s like [eating]: wow simeon this is so good! what did you say it was again? simeon: i didn’t say what it was. mc: ... well then what is it? simeon: :) isn’t it good? here have some more :)

also. i’m sorry im sorrrryyy i know simeon x lucifer is not everyone’s cup of tea but imagine: he’s very petty towards diavolo. diavolo texts simeon for relationship advice or some lucifer-centric question and simeon’s like: [turns on receipts just to leave him on read]

12. grudges and vendettas

of course i'm going to have to bring this up. simeon, despite having such love and respect for lucifer, he cannot find it in himself to forgive lucifer for leaving him behind, to revolt against their creator. the celestial realm has never been the same without lucifer there, after the great war. while yes he understands lucifer’s reasons as to why he revolted- he cannot wrap his head around- why didn’t lucifer tell him? why didn’t he enlist him in his war? doesn’t he know simeon would’ve laid down everything for him? one word- simeon would’ve been on the frontline. he wonders this all the time- but the words never quite fit together, the timing is never right on asking lucifer. he instead just silently accepts lucifer never cared for simeon the way he cared for him [while this is not at all the case- it is precisely lucifer’s regard for his friend that he chose to let simeon keep his wings, let him live out his days in the celestial realm- for maybe simeon could be the catalyst to change it from within, to succeed where lucifer failed]. so, simeon seems to be stuck, unable to forgive his closest comrade for one of the biggest betrayals known to all the three realms. 

[urmomsstuntdouble]

If ur still doing the 100 followers thing, well I challenge YOU with deciphering Lithuania.

ok anon thank you so much for asking this question because i have in fact recently fallen in love with lithuania, because they are such an interesting character! (also hhhh im so sorry for how late this is) 

Gender

As you may have noticed, I usually use they/them pronouns to refer to Lithuania. I hc them as being nonbinary and using he/they pronouns, though I personally prefer to use they rather than he in that case because. Idk what pronouns you use. But in my experience it’s really hard to get people to call you ‘they’ when you go by ‘he/they’ or ‘she/they’ or smth like that. Though I don't imagine any of the nations are very attached to their “birth gender” (are nations born???), lithuania is one of those who is a bit less attached. They’re just sort of there, in terms of gender. In my headcanons i also think this has something to do with religion, as lithuania was one of the last european countries to convert to Christianity- just because so much of gender as we know it comes from christianity and what people in the 16th and 17th centuries considered a ‘good’ christian. Thats not to say that there are no gender roles in other religions, but that the way westerners typically conceptualize gender has quite a lot to do with the religious conflicts occurring within christianity. Like you can trace the ideas behind the nuclear family archetype back to the protestant reformation. Additionally, I hc them as being Jewish, which further distances them from the western christian gender roles (though that’s not why i hc them as jewish! More on that later). Finally, i just like myself some trans/nb characters. There’s so few popular trans hcs and that makes me kinda sad ya know? Welcome to the trans agenda its just me projecting onto all my faves

Mental Health

Okay, so, i think it’s pretty well known that lithuania’s mental health is wack. They’re often characterised as being a very anxious person, but i think the ways in which they’re anxious is super interesting. For one, they are extremely conflict averse and like to avoid it by being a sort of people pleaser. It’s a sort of defense mechanism, because nobody can hate you if you do whatever they say. Like, if you let people be shitty to you, they won’t hate you for your personality. This is clearly flawed logic because then people are still going to be shitty to you, but. It makes sense to liet. In their mind, it’s okay to let people hurt if your reason is sound enough- Because if they’re not super emotionally engaged in a relationship that’s unhealthy for them, then they can’t get hurt, right? Of course, they can. A good example of this is their relationship with Russia. I think tolvydas sees compliance as necessary there, in order to avoid being hurt. The thing is…compliance is also hurting them, even if they see it as ‘worth it.’ To them, behaving in a submissive way is a survival tactic. A really bad one, but a survival tactic nonetheless. 

This also plays into their tendency to be self-martyring. I think Tolvydas is very good at fighting, and all around a really awesome warrior (strong aragorn energy), which makes them think that they need to be the one to save everyone. Hero complex, sort of. This, coupled with their almost maternal care for Latvia and Estonia, makes them feel like they have a sort of weight-of-the-world on their shoulders. Though Estonia and Latvia do look up to them a lot, Tolvydas can sometimes fail to realise that they are also their own people and can fight their own battles. He feels a sort of obligation to protect them due to their shared culture and languages as The Baltic Trio, though it doesn’t go much further than a sense of obligation. They spent most of their youth fighting, to the extent that that’s most of what Tolvydas personally knows as ‘life,’ but they never actually got to know the other two Baltics very well until the modern day. They have to protect, have to be a caregiver, but they don’t actually know super well the things they’re trying to protect. It’s both a sense of obligation to protect as well as the sense that this is all they’re good at and as long as they’re fighting for a morally just cause, that’ll do. 

I think something that would expose this flaw would be when they were first taken over by the Russian Empire in the 1790s, they were pretty miserable about a lot of things- Like the loss of all their territory and the sudden statelessness of their people- but a big one would’ve been the loss of Poland. This isn’t meant to be super shippy, but you know. They were united into one kingdom, and they had been for centuries, so i don’t imagine it was an easy separation. Though this is more up for debate where real people are concerned, these characters were essentially a big part of each other, ya know? Regardless of how much Lithuania actually likes Poland, they’re still a part of each other and that separation will undoubtedly be painful. Anyway, all that is to say that this separation was at the forefront of their mind during the beginning of the 19th century, and they let it sort of prevent them from taking care of the other Baltics. The issue with that is that they still considered themself to be protecting Estonia and Latvia, even though, in reality, nobody was. Also in reality, Lithuania was making themself out to be the worst off, and were generally sort of annoying to be around at this point in time. Their whole woe-is-me attitude wasn’t fun, and they were hypocritical in that they saw themself as being a better friend than they actually were. They still see themself as being a great friend, and though it’s improved in recent years, they’re still sort of. Flighty, i guess, where friendship is concerned. There was also a lot of annoyance by the other baltics about them being so self-martyring- Tolvydas was Ivan’s favorite, after all (that’s not necessarily a good thing, but. He was softer on them in certain ways). Anyway, I guess the big takeaway of this paragraph is that Liet often lets their self perception cloud the way they act in relationships. 

Much of the stuff I’ve mentioned so far is a result of them having quite a lot of PTSD. I think Lithuania’s character tends to be explored through a few common lenses, those being the medieval vibes of the Polish-Lithuanian Commonwealth and through being oppressed by the Russian Empire/Soviet Union. Not to say that there’s not a lot of other content about them, but this is what I see most often. I think that all the nations have some form of PTSD, but with Lithuania it’s very pronounced, and it’s made clear that a lot of their tendencies are a result of past trauma- Like the need to take care of others. This is likely originating with their childhood, as they grew up in a very violent environment where their survival was never guaranteed (survivor’s guilt much?) and violence was just the way of things. This is where the need to protect comes from. There used to be several more Baltic nations, though you could argue that now there’s only two- Lithuania and Latvia, as Estonia does not speak a Baltic language and would really like to be considered Nordic. 

Finally, Lithuania is also an interesting character where forgiveness is concerned. I think their sense of morality is very black and white, so some people (Feliks) will be easily forgiven where others (Ivan) will not. In reality, I think it would definitely be valid for Tolvydas to hate both of them, yet they don't- Because they decided that Feliks was a friend and Ivan was not. Both Feliks and Ivan care very deeply about them, but neither treats Tolvydas in a very good way. Of course, I’m aware that the situation in the Russian Empire/USSR and the Commonwealth were very different, but I’m talking about these three dudes and their relationships with each other beyond the lens of politics. Because Feliks tried to be their friend in a way that didn’t hurt them tremendously, and because. Look at them, Feliks isn’t 5’4 and can’t hurt you. They’re not an intimidating person and they’re not incredibly powerful like Ivan is. Though that’s not all of it- Feliks’ feelings for Tolvydas are definitely a purer, more selfless type of love than what Ivan feels for them- it makes it harder for Tolvydas to hold a grudge against them. Whereas for Ivan, their relationship was about control. He needed to control them as a way of expressing how he felt about them. He represents a lot of what Tolvydas fought against in their youth, so of course they hate him. Of course, I don’t think they like holding grudges. They want to be able to care for everyone, because they know that everyone deserves to be treated well and cared for and all that. You can't exactly do that if you hold a grudge against someone, so it actually kind of sucks for them when they see someone they hate suffering. It’s a sort of conflict of interest- The caregiving instincts vs the hatred for this person- and they often don’t know what to do in that situation. Usually they wind up helping but not happy about it. They just don’t want to see others suffer, despite the fact that they dislike this person (Russia is of course the exception. They don’t want to help him at all anymore). 

Relationship with family

So, this is a bit of an interesting topic. I think the Baltics consider themselves family just because of what they’ve been through together, but they’re not actually blood related. Though they share similar cultures, and languages, they’re just not related. Maybe Lithuania and Latvia are cousins, but yeah. Lithuania sees themself as the head of their little family, as they have the oldest surviving European culture and language. They sometimes get in their head about that, and can act like both a mom friend and a mom who is bad at mom-ing. It’s a sort of self appointed thing, and can be really annoying to the other two. They don’t pay the utmost attention to their fellow Baltics, and are more concerned with physical well being than emotional well being, so, despite establishing themself as a caretaker, do not wind up actually caring for the other Baltics in the ways they need to be cared for. 

Fighting style

So, as I’ve mentioned, Lithuania is a talented fighter. They go hard as shit, and can very much kick your ass. I think they prefer to be very technical about how they fight, with something boring like a broadsword as their weapon of choice, but are not afraid to fight dirty. Like rip off an ear with their teeth kind of playing dirty. I think they take fighting very seriously. Though Lithuania as we know it is only about 800 years old, I think Tolvydas is much older. The definition of a nation (a large body of people united by common descent, history, culture, or language, inhabiting a particular country or territory, according to the oxford dictionary) does not require there to be a central governing body, so I think it’s quite possible for Lithuania to be well over 2000. Anyway, all that is to say that they didn’t grow up in medieval times, so by the time they’re like. Achieving dominance in Eastern Europe, they’re already very old and well versed in many different styles of fighting. In the modern day, I think they’ve learned more different fighting styles from other parts of the world, but will always fall back on the way they learned how to fight in ancient times. 

Religion

So as I mentioned earlier, Lithuania is Jewish in my headcanons (orthodox, specifically. I think they're kinda traditional). I have a couple reasons for this- There has been a historical presence of Ashkenazi Jews in Lithuania, going back to the 13th or 14th century, and this is due to certain legal protections granted to Jewish people under pre-Commonwealth law. They were legally on similar footing to the average free people of Lithuania, and were able to create a slightly more prosperous community than Jews in other areas of Europe. This was also affected by the Black Plague of the 1340s. Orthodox Jews tend to put a high value on cleanliness, and often have two sinks in their houses (my childhood home, for example, had two sinks, and i lived in a majority jewish area). They also happened to be concentrated in Eastern Europe, due to the protections. Because of this, Eastern European Jews have some of the highest sruvival rates for the Black Plague and actually brought up the survival rates of the region as a whole- Though this also resulted in some intense antisemitism, as many Christians blamed Jewish people for the plague even happening, due to their higher survival rates. Despite various expulsions  and the loss of legal rights, the Jewish population remained relatively steady up until world war 2. Jewish people made up about 10% of the total population of Lithuania in 1941, and 45% of the total population of Vilnius. (To put this in perspective, the entire world population is only about 0.2% Jewish). Anyway, all this is to say that it’s not out of the question for Lithuania to be Jewish. 

Extras/Fun stuff

Lithuania loves reading, especially the fantasy/fairy tale genre. It makes them nostalgic without the trauma of reading historical fiction. 

They’re also very musically gifted, and can play the piano, bass, ukelele, and flute. 

They wear docs.

They love hot chocolate. 

They remind me of both Aragorn from lotr and Hozier. They’re such a sweet lad. 

Bicon who has like 5 people thirsting for them at a given moment but is either oblivious or not looking for a relationship right now. 

Here are my fics with lithuania as a main character!

My previous character analyses of lithuania (sorry they’re mostly in shipping contexts, rip) and another good analysis someone else did

My playlist for them

and i think thats it! of course i could always talk more about them, but those are my thoughts for now! thank you so much for the ask, i hope i was able to meet your challenge! 

writing requests

[dragqueenpentheus]

Okay no one has to read this but i DO have to write it:

PYROC VS FATHER PAUL

Ya bitch needs an art break bc im getting angry about voices existing as i try to keep myself entertained. Today is NOT a god one for sinking into repetitive line work and that’s just about all i have on the table atm

SO! Im gunna do a little thinking about my little meow meows all fucked up by religion. Just a comparison for my sanity and interests. Pyroc is my baby i wrote him for the first time years ago. Five?????????? Whadda hell. Going on six.

ANYWAY john joined religion because of his trauma. His sister died and he felt lost. He was unmoored in this fishing village and looking for reason looking for hope. Hed had his heart broken and trying to make sense of tragedy on his own was totally beyond him. Thats why his interactions with riley in AA are SO good like. He knows that confusion and he knows the rhetoric that’s supposed to combat it. Only it dooesnt work for riley.

The same sort of thing happens for pyrc, only inverted. Loss urns him away from god and religion because its SO strong in his family and not only is he loosing trust in god, but his kin as well. He’s suspicious there’s mre they arent telling him, at the point of his fathers death. And he agrees to, on the surface, absolutely wholly throw himself in to being the second the family and the village need. But he’s keeping his treachery under wraps.

That’s one of the coolest things about father paul imo is like. That slow unraveling of what is. Frankly. An awful half assed plan, driven by fear and loneliness and desperation and dementia and love. Even VERY obvious things like. Taking down the newspaper photo of his young self ‘slip’ by him. I think, on some level, its DEEPLY intentional. He wants people to CHOOSE this. He wants people like bev. He wants people who see him and are in aw of him beating god. Of killing death. He wants to be worshiped and adored and for people to come to him willingly, no tragedy driving them to his arms.

Pyroc also wnats to be worshipped, but he ALSO wants to do the worshipping. He really longs for an element of almost????? But not quite??? Subjection?? He wants to be shown something and for a Great Voice to tell him, unquestioningly and unerringly that it is GOOD. Full stop. And then he wants to spend his life worshipping it. But this booko is an exploration of how….. no such thing exists. And more importantly no great voice exists either. There is nothing wholly good, nothing wholy evil. His lack of faith in himself once he becomes god is him starting to understand that as well. Thats on purpose baked into the lore. The starting point was ‘what if god was a position and in order to get promoted you had to be a murderer. No matter what’. He understands things are not wholly good, at that point. I onder how long it will be for him to realize they are not fully evil as well?

Bc pruitt does hm hm hm an interesting move. Where he takes something the narritve is very sure to communicate is EVIL no wiggle room just fact. Even if its driven by animal instinct its. Evil. And he makes it, not just good, but HOLY. And god i LOVEEEE that for him i ADOREEE that what a MOVE. Driven by desperation and dementia and relief and ‘if god saved me than maybe i can be good despite loving and sinning and maybe if i defeat god then i will be Thee Good’. SO sexy of him. Im really fascinated by his morality. He seems to have an understanding of the shades of grey in some respects??? But if he had a BETTER one with more forgiveness in his heart i feel like hed have left the church anyway after sarah was born??? Even if millie didnt ask him??? That might just be my own sensibilities creeping in but ….. like he culd have seen her on the weekends. He can do other jobs. Hes straight (??? Not totally convinced of this) he could have just dated her that makes me crazy. LIKE OBV HE HAD LINES HE THOUGHT THAT WOULD CROSS AND HE HAD INTERNALIZED THE CHURCH AND THE RULES AND SHE WAS MARRIED AND ECT ECT i know he couldnt have really but. Thye were straight. They coulda.

Im not gunna do fantasy homophobia bc i think its …………….. Boring. But i think some element of??? The vindlegaurd line MUST be passed along and for that particular rules must be applied. But thats also boring as hell :/ maybe i can work in my parthenogenesis lore?????????? I bet pyroc would love building that spell in any universe. That’s the sequal when he goes to magic university in helsin. But yeah i do like the concept that. Anyone can have a baby thru magic its just a time and energy commitment. Just a matter of wanting it enough together. Every baby is so deeply wanted and its mere existence is proof. Thats dope i love that. HMMM to be decided at a later date when im deeper into the story i think. I still havent figured out fully how and where and why orion is going to be invovled and if???? Pyroc and orion are even going to be romantic??????? Im torn im TORn…….

Thikns about john bonding w sarah over science and learning and starts wEEPING…. Like theres some surity beloved. Its just a matter of uncovering. I think sarah felt that same thirst for answers and hunted them differently. Her faith is in logic and science. I loveeee her god. Every scene w her and her dad absolutely RUIN me like!!!!!! SHE DOESNT KNOW!!! SHE DOESNT KNOW HOW LOVED SHE IS!!!!!! I hope at hte very end she saw the blood as the gesture of love it SO clearly was and not him trying to poison her. God i love that she spat it out. GOD. Thats about being gay, btw. Spits the religious offering that could save you across the gasoline soaked church floor like BABE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think we as a collective should talk about the possibiites around sarah/erin more. Bc their defiance combined would be. Earth SHATTERING for crockett.

In the future pyroc gets a kid. Ever since that campaign where Enemy ended up playing his daughter im like. How did i NOT know this idiot wanted nothing more in the entire world than to travel it with his daughter. I dont care how or why hes getting a kid. Hed be so doting and awful abut it. He would need orion as a co-parent for the kids self esteem to be normal levels. thINKS ABOUT PAUL GETTING TO RAISE SARAH AND JUST ABSOLUTELY GASSING HER UPPPPPPPP HANGING EVERY DOODLE SHE EVER MADE ON TEH FRIDGE. BOASTING ABOUT HER SCEINECE PROJECT OT ANYONE WITHIN EYESIGHT EVEN THOUGH ‘WE K N O W JOHNWE WERE ALL AT THE SCEINCE FAIR’!!!!!!!!!!! Let these fuck ups be doting fathers im fucking begging. That scene where paul is like. You take ccare of everyone on the island sarah. Its more than being a doctor. You comfort them.

HM HM comfort is such a thing for Miss Bitch like!! He sees it as a Good Thing. He tries to bring it for riley by asking to hold the AA meetings on island ((also manipulation. Obvously also manipulation. I wouldnt have bene shocked if he was slipping the vampire blood into the coffee every meeting either. But thats just a theory. A game theory.)) ANYWAY he sees comfort as hly. The church gave it to him when he needed it. The angel gave it to him in the cave. Feeling safe and warm is HIGH on his list of priorities and what makes him hand over respect.

I think pyroc has lived a very comfortable life in SO many ways, but in none he. Activly recognizes. A key part of his character arc his him…. Opening his eyes to the world around them. Seeing the privilege he has and being like. Wait. This isnt Right. We have to change thi. And when no one agrees ti shifts to I have to change this. With Violence. A little revolutionary <3 it only costs the life of his whole ass family

Thats more fun comparison ground like…… paul is SO much about I know whats right and there is a cost but i AM ignoring it. Like HE KNOOOOWSSSS he knooooows he just doesnt want o See. I’m not sure if im going to surprise yroc with the ……megadeath of. His whole family. Or if it’s a choice he has to activly make. I think a choice makes it more compelling, more layerd. It has to be in the moment though, becaus ei think thats. A key difference between them. Pyroc wouldnt do it.. hed just leave hed peace out and do what he could in small ways. But he wouldnt do his big stand off with god. Hed shrink his goals in order to not hurt his family. Out of love?? Intimidation?? Some instinct wihtin him that balks at the idea of disobedience??? I think even he doesnt know. But i LOVE john becaue he jsut decides to lie. He closes his eyes and says i am being stupid on purpose. I think thats PERHAPS more compelling than good guy coward pyroc BUT!!!!! Thats who he is rip to ths little man. Cant change him now hes a whole ass child in my head. The PLOT i can change. Him….. not without massive character development <3

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MM set my brain on FIRE!!!! Im so glad nano is coming up. I love sharpening pyroc against the comparison of other AMAZING characters. Father paul hill my beloved millstone <3 anyway sorry to anyone who reads this its literally me unhinging my jaw and emptying my brain out. I had to write stuff that wasn’t novel or fic. A little character time down and dirty. I wil NOT be editing this love and light to future me trying to decode this

[bisluthq]

i think with the kind of churches i grew up in you get a very different experience if they’re trying to eventually convert you or not, like super nice to non christians and people on the edges who they see as projects, super heavy handed with arbitrary rules to committed christians and lost causes. this may be what you experienced with people being chill with you

i know im probably not being objective or fair, like this is my cynical take as someone who dropped out of an evangelical bible college because i lost my faith and figured out i was queer all at once and i have loads of trauma. obviously not every christian is like this, but enough are

Answering these together. Maybe. Look I have immense privilege which I’m very cognizant of. I’m queer and Jewish yes but I’m femme and I’m white and I’m from a very comfortable socioeconomic background and I’m also loud and extroverted which makes people have strong feelings on me but unlikely to like confront me about stuff for too long (same as online tbh).

Also yes I’d say the average college educated person who I’m gonna be friends with isn’t going to try convert practicing Jews. Like it’s just not okay and the people who try do it wouldn’t be in my social groups.

So like I understand that my experience is a very particular one.

But also again I just think all religions are beautiful? I have multiple Muslim friends and like I love it and I love the connections of things we do similarly.

Blank Space girlie - who I talk about less than boy bestie because she’s a doctor so I haven’t seen her like all pandemic and it’s weird to check in because it’s like “how’s being a frontline worker? Ya no the Gaylor thing is still going well appreciate you for asking” - is Muslim on her dad’s side and Catholic on her mum’s. We joke about guilt and family SO MUCH (in non pandemic times).

Like I think every religious space has an underbelly but I also think the concept of belief and culture and sharing stuff is really amazing.

[yojeongin]

Hii!! <33 Idk if this is a sudden question, but where did you get the inspiration for writing 'Stupid Girl' and 'For I Have Sinned'? Those stories of yours are my favorite ^^ I'm just a bit curious if they came from a movie or a book? Also, I love your writing so so sooooooo much. You are a GREAT WRITER!!! <33 Thank you so much. Your stories helped me a lot!

disclaimer: don’t read these stories or watch any of these movies if you’re a minor !!

there’s media I think about when talking about those stories but there’s no correlation at all.

for I have sinned: happiness (1998) but the plot of the movie has absolutely nothing to do with for I have sinned besides the year they’re set it. mais nous delivrez pas du mal (1971) only has religion in common. I have a lot of religious trauma so a lot of my stories rely on that, this one and change in you, huge examples of it.

stupid girl: I honestly can’t remember what made me think about this besides fixating on jaehyun at that time. the plot wasn’t as in depth when I first posted back in 2019, it was just some lil fun literally light hearted about internet sex in the mid 2000s that was it but as the years went I was coming to terms with how overly obsessive and possessive I can be so I projected that when writing part 2 hence why it’s so long and darker.

I wouldn’t say the songs I put on the stupid girl finale post inspired the story but they did help fuel those intense feelings I had while writing it so I really do recommend you listen to them when reading the story, especially eye - smashing pumpkins.

they’re my pride and joy, mostly stupid girl I really love that one maybe bc it ended up being a vent post but either way. im so thankful you liked them. I didn’t think they could help anyone but I’m glad you found comfort in them :) sorry this turned out lengthy

[lunarrumor]

yoooo do you wanna tell me about the fantasy story?? i love fantasy stories, one of my favorite genres

ahhhhh yes i do !!

i dont know if you wanted me to talk more abt the plot but basically this takes place on a small continent where most people have telekinesis-like abilites (but the government sucks and they banned these abilites to keep the power in their own families)

they are also v religious, so the main character decides to follow an old legend about a means of communication the gods left behind to prove that the current rulers are not doing their job (which is to uphold the values of the gods) by going straight to the source

okay dhfbieuwgf now for the characters

first we have valora

- the main character

- realized the government was fucked and decided to do smth abt it

- by 'do smth abt it' i mean steal her parents' boat and follow a questionable legend

- she's very determined, but that sometimes results in impulsive behavior

- a history nerd, which she gets from her cool uncle (who is basically the dad of their group bc most of them have family problems)

- the most powerful of the group

- fights w a dagger

- a useless lesbian

- in love with her best friend but she doesn't know it

- sucks at emotions

- very bad at making friends but people kinda flock to her bc they think she's cool anyway (she is not)

- socially awkward + very sarcastic so she comes off as a little cold and closed-off

- one of those people with a strong moral code that doesn't always align with the law

then there's larinn

- val's best friend

- doesn't have any powers but she's great at using a sword

- literal sunshine everybody loves her

- saw her bsf about to do some crazy shit and decided to join

- mostly optimistic but also has to be the voice of reason when val is impulsive

- has a shitty family, so she spent most of her life at val's house w her family (which is why they're so close)

- femme lesbian

- is in love with her bsf and does know it

- also realizes val is shit at emotions so tries to drop as many hints as possible without overstepping their friendship (it doesn't work)

the rest of the characters are picked up along their journey (put in order of when they join the crew)

dayne

- the son of one of the current rulers, but doesn't live with him (aka he has daddy issues)

- not very powerful, so he kinda avoids using his abilities (also bc he doesn't think it's fair that he could use them without facing any consequences bc of his dad)

- he also does not know how to fight, but he's the strongest of the group

- runs into battles regardless

- loves giving nicknames

- dumb bisexual

- flirts with everyone and falls in love easily

- himbo energy (think gold of heart dumb of ass)

- has ocd and adhd bc im projecting <3 and we need more casual nd representation

- really good at sketching

- kinda doesn't know what's going on but wants to help anyways bc he knows personally how much the government sucks

- also knows how to bake bc he lives with his grandma wileen and helps out at her bakery

- is really good with kids bc he has a four yr old sister

iliana

- a distinguished bisexual

- very powerful + great at hand to hand combat

- knows a lot of cool things abt her powers bc of her mom + different ways of manipulating energy practiced in her country

- speaking of, her mom was arrested for using her abilities

- she decides to help them bc she was already on her way to bust her mom out, and might as well topple the government in the process

- self proclaimed matchmaker

- very outgoing, she's one of those people you immediately feel like you could tell anything

- also very flirty (people think her and dayne like each other bc they're always flirting, but they're just very close)

aimes

- also called ettie (bc of his first name ettore)

- mom of the group

- very powerful

- he's italian and he cooks for everyone

- learned to cook bc he works at his family's restaurant

- met val + dayne bc they were arguing in said restaurant about their plans and he was like " ??? if y'all are gonna commit treason maybe don't be so loud abt it "

- takes care of iliana and dayne when they're being dumb

- knows how to fight but usually avoids it

noren

- aimes' twin sister

- iliana's best friend

- made her with the intent of 'she's gonna die to give the mcs some trauma' but then got attached

- wasn't supposed to be an mc but i accidentally developed her character a lot

- kinda powerful but doesn't really use her abilities much

- can fight though bc of sheer determination to kick some ass

- likes to paint (her and dayne usually go up to the deck and draw together)

this was so long im sorry jfchgrihvbbh but you didn't ask abt anything specific so,,, i had free rein to just gush abt them

[ao3feed-destiel-02]

god left a long time ago (and took the tenderness with him)

god left a long time ago (and took the tenderness with him) https://ift.tt/XK0jQa9 by ijusthavealotoffeelings It’s strange, Castiel thinks, how your body can become a memorial to your own suffering. OR After a fateful day when a newly-human Cas is taken prisoner and subjected to the worst humanity has to offer, he has to learn and re-learn what it means to love and be loved within a body that has endured so much trauma. Luckily for him, he has his family and the love of his life there to help him through it. Words: 5439, Chapters: 1/?, Language: English Fandoms: Supernatural (TV 2005) Rating: Explicit Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con Categories: M/M Characters: Castiel (Supernatural), Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Jody Mills, Claire Novak, Kaia Nieves Relationships: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Castiel & Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Castiel & Claire Novak Additional Tags: Post-Season/Series 10 AU, maybe? this fic doesn't have a specific timeline, ok i suck at tags but it's important for this one so let's get the major stuff out of the way, Human Castiel (Supernatural), Rape Aftermath, Aftermath of Torture, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Hurt/Comfort, Heavy Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, yes this fic does get fairly dark, it explores the aftermath and healing of sexual assault, but it still has a happy ending because those are just the kinds of stories i write, Lets Play A Game Called, How Much Can I Project Onto My Favorite Characters in One Fic?, seriously though guys, this is just a lot a lot of me projecting my own experiences and trauma onto cas, trigger warning, seriously please read with caution!, READ THE TAGS YA'LL!!, i don't want anyone to get triggered reading this, Religious Imagery & Symbolism, is my catholic guilt showing in this?? hmm, again. this is just me projecting. everyone deals with sexual assault differently, pretty much based off my own experiences, ok i realized i'm making this sound super depressing but i swear it's hopeful too, my life in a nutshell really, ok right back to actual tags, Bisexual Dean Winchester, Gay Castiel (Supernatural), Past Prostitution, ok i think i got em all, me actually acknowledging both sam and dean's canon trauma bc the writers suck at it, everybody needs therapy in this fic, Domestic Team Free Will (Supernatural), Fluff, because there is some in this fic believe it or not!!, i pinky promise this has a happy ending!!!!!, also there is of course consensual smut in this bc im me, SO, With that in mind, Hand Jobs, Blow Jobs, Developing Relationship, Love Confessions, First Time, First Kiss via AO3 works tagged 'Castiel/Dean Winchester' https://ift.tt/JKyWp7z December 12, 2023 at 04:32PM

[upsettiespaghetti-blog]

I'm trying to get all my ugliness out. All my judgement and lies, everything that isn't the truth I am ignorant, uneducated, and unwilling to listen but somehow I'm willing to learn which is hard since I don't trust anyone but myself but I don't even like myself most of the time i either hate me or love me and usually it's hate and like I come across as so self centered but I was by myself for so long I just idk i don't fuckin know dude I don't get Ito i give people the wrong advice and false information without meaning to I've got a lot of wool over my eyes I was caught up in a mess my parents were trying to get me to avoid but they hurt me and now I understand the crowd I've joined because of it and I say things about my abuse that are hurtful and triggering without meaning to Ime just trying to figure out what happened to me so I'm asking people who went through similar things but it hurts them to remember so they get really uncomfortable also cause it just spills out its always overflowing all the time I'm always thinking about it so I just spill it all out and I do it in such a childish way I'm just a sweet little girl trying to act tough when in reality I sound like a chipmunk and I'm tiny I'm so behind on everything I don't know how to act or what everyone else knows I just know the basics so god I sound like an idiot because I can't use big words I sound so stupid but I'm just a baby I've got to learn and I know I'm really smart and God god god I wonder if God is still here or if that religious abuse was actually the Right Way I know it's not but I can't stop wondering what if I'm being sinful by being myself I want to help everyone but I do it in the wrong way I mean I still help them to understand themselves but it's through my mistakes and I want to be nurturing and wise not the dummy I don't want to be stupid I want to help through kind words and comfort I love people so much I don't mean to harm them or our relationships my heart hurts so badly but it feels nice to get it out I need it to come out all at once I really do It hurts so much and I don't want to hurt anyone else because of it I keep wondering if maybe I don't really have ptsd or bpd but it's so obvious that I do but I don't want to have it and mom always said nothing was wrong with me so I'm really confused and I keep using words like really instead of big words and I talk so fast that there's no room for anything else I am completely focused on just trying to get it over with and get away from people I love people so much tho god I sound really messed up I know everyone knew I was I think maybe they assumed I was just weird before and now that I'm opening up they realize I'm dorky and traumatized I ignore everyone's messages because there's so much going on in my head I can't find the right words to say I'm trying my very best but I need to stop trying and start doing I need to let it out but there's so many obstacles and I know it's going to be a while before I recover but goddamn I over analyze and over think everything all the time like I know I'm copying characteristics but I wonder if I'm copying trauma too I'm so scared that I really am lying but I know I can't be because of the flashbacks goddammit goddammit I CUSS SO much bc I think it's normal but really it's not I was just conditioned to think that way and I'm scared I'm projecting onto my friends who are in similar situations or maybe I've just had one of the things that happened to them happen to me it's really hard to keep my own voice and mannerisms and when I'm not copying someone I'm just a baby goddamamamamitttt I just wanna scream at the top of my lungs so super really bad so I can get it all out cause I'm really trying to enjoy myself and my friends here gosh