#but also i’m afraid of physical intimacy with anyone who’s not my family

[mxltifxnd0m]

need to be made out with RN (i havent even had my first kiss yet nor ever been in a relationship before)

[cantareincminor]

The Dross - part 2

In chapter 14 of Orpheus, I dreaded writing Sylvia and Twilight's conversation just like all the other times they had to meet. It was always difficult to plan and execute any scene with Sylvia involved, because I felt her role as a character is to be an intellectual and psychological threat to Twilight. Always throwing him off balance, questioning his motives like no one else can, bringing out his weaknesses, and chewing him out or embarrassing him when the situation calls for it. In my mind she is usually one step ahead of him since she trained him and has known him since he was a young traumatized soldier.

Originally in chapter 14 I was going to have Twilight be more forthcoming about his state of compromise and also more determined to keep his family. But I quickly realized that wasn't right for where he was mentally at that point of the story, at that point of his character development, and it wasn't right for the plot either. So I deleted a big chunk of the conversation and started over. Below the cut is the part I deleted for anyone who's curious.

“What’s your readjusted estimate?”

He’d made sure to include every factual detail he could recall about Northwest Memorial Hospital and Yuri’s situation in the report. The entry and exit points, the dimensions of the lobby, the number and physical descriptions of each SSS agent he had identified, the exact location of Yuri’s room, each type of machine hooked up to his body, the vital readings he’d been able to glean from those machines, and almost all of the interactions he and Yor had had with “Clara Christensen.” He’d left out his disastrous episode from the second day and the fact he had been deathly afraid that he’d blown his own cover. 

He’d also omitted any assessment of Yuri’s chances of recovery, instead providing an exhaustive description of Yuri’s visible condition. Without access to the medical records and treatment plan, he had no way of judging the state of Yuri’s long-term memory.

Sylvia looked at him critically when he gave her his non-answer. “HQ contacted me while you were gone. You can guess what they asked.”

“I thought they didn’t care about the est–”

“They asked why I hadn’t ordered you to kill him while you were up there.”

He’d expected this. And he’d already given Sylvia a strong reason before Gascoigne had broken the news to Yor. His detailed report on the SSS’ extensive precautions in the hospital only made his case more airtight. 

“Any attempt at an assassination would be a suicide mission at this point,” he repeated. “No agent would have made it out of there alive. Not even me.”

“I let them know that. They had some strong words for me nonetheless.”

This time Twilight didn’t try to suppress an eyeroll. “HQ can’t have it both ways. They say they’re concerned about their top agent’s safety and ability to operate. How would sending me on a suicide mission with no recon or backup ensure my safety?”

“I’m with you, Twilight. So far, at least. Your logic is sound and the information you’ve provided corroborates it.” She made a knowing pause. “Luckily for you.”

He leaned forward in his chair and matched her posture. “Let’s just get into it, Sylvia. I won’t dodge.”

“Were you intimate with Yor Briar?” she asked bluntly.

“No.”

“Intimacy isn’t just sex. For you, sex is like reading the newspaper. I’m asking whether you opened any part of your real self up to her. If you allowed your state of compromise to get worse, and by how much.”

He closed his eyes. “Yes.”

“How bad?”

“I comforted her when she broke down the first night in the hotel. I told her I was sorry, and I meant it, even though she didn’t know what I was really apologizing for. She figured out on her own that Yuri isn’t a regular ministry employee, even if she might not know for sure that he’s secret police. We discussed how suspicious everyone around Yuri was, and worked together to appear as an innocent couple in love so that the SSS wouldn’t have a reason to monitor us. I kissed her hand and told her I intend to buy us wedding rings, and that it wasn’t just for our cover. She’s become comfortable enough with me that she no longer flinches or lashes out when I touch her. When we arrived home yesterday, we continued to sleep in the same bed.”

“Christ, Twilight.” 

“I told you I wouldn’t dodge.” Part of him was relieved to be honest with Sylvia. It was much easier than lying to her and trying to anticipate her traps. She had taught him the ropes, after all. On the other hand, he was giving her more and more reasons to pull him from Strix.

But he knew that she had a heart beneath the Fullmetal Lady moniker. And she knew that he had a heart, as much as she’d tried to beat it out of him or manipulate it for WISE’s benefit. He was banking on the human part of her, the part of her that still answered to her birth name which not even he knew, to see what was happening to him and to understand. She had once been a wife and mother. As good as she was in their world of professional liars, she would not lie to herself and say that family was disposable like any other asset on the job. She certainly would not say that murdering a family member in cold blood was justifiable. 

For it was a fact that Twilight had come to see his cover family as real family. It was a truth that he could not turn back into a lie. She could berate him all she wanted for falling into this compromised state so quickly. It wouldn’t change the truth.

“What if I ordered you to withdraw immediately? If I officially deemed you unfit to complete your mission?”

“Then I’d resign. And you’d have to start over on Desmond without my involvement.”

“And what would you do, continue playing doctor until your daughter gets expelled from Eden?”

“I’d figure out something.”

She laughed dryly. “Who’s bluffing who?”

“You tell me.”

She shook her head, running a hand through her wavy hair in weary exasperation. Underneath all the pristine makeup and stylish perm, he glimpsed her real age. A woman who had survived the war alone and lost everyone she held dear.

“We’re not Ostania. I wouldn’t stop you if you really wanted to quit,” she sighed. “So then what do I do with you, Twilight?”

“Give me a month at a time. I’ll get creative with reaching Desmond and completing the mission sooner. We’ll let the SSS sweat for a while on Yuri. Tell HQ we need to wait until they slip up before making a move. My recommendation is to wait until they attempt a transfer to Berlint General. He’ll be most vulnerable on the road. In the meantime we keep an emergency withdrawal plan fresh in our minds at all times.”

[messermouser]

My Incredibly Long List of Tropes/Characters/Themes I Like

When I obsess over something in the media I consume I write it here, and I forget how much inspiration I get from reading it so here you go. Any good recommendations with most of these or additions to the list are always appreciated. Also I have so many more of these that I've never written down I can do more IF YOU MAKE ME. IF I HAVE TO. IF YOU FORCE ME TO DO IT I GUESS I'LL DO IT. If not then sick.

Childhood friends

Rivals. Academic? Siblings? One has an advantage? They help each other? take your pick any rivalry works.

Going to each other for comfort because nobody else understands

Two leads are groups leaders- one very apparently in charge the other their supporter

Lead who falls off the tracks “What happened to you?” “I gave up, and if you knew what’s best for you… you’d give up too”

Head and the Heart

FOREHEAD KISS

One adorable but cold, the other stern but soft

Good and Evil in love because who is which depends on who you ask

Comedic relief kills someone and then apologizes 

NOW OR NEVER KISS

Mmm almost kiss

“Fuck you bitch” “Uh nobody has ever talked to me like that because they’re too afraid to, I’m really into it?”

“You show me colors you know I can’t see with anyone else”

“You rely on wit and people die on it”

“You’re as beautiful as the day I lost you”

A Fast “yes?” after someone answers yes to a question the character was afraid to ask

REUNION AHHHH wit a hug :(((

“Oh god. Fuck. Oh god he’s dead. No.”

Anything compared thematically to dogs

Religious trauma as daddy issues

Dead birds/Butterflies/deer/animals compared to specific characters foreshadowing their death or danger

Anything Icarus coded

Cain and Able type siblings

FAMILY and devotion

Family as a cult

Tragedy just when the characters think they won

Manipulation changing a characters internal monologue

Including deaths that change everything

Including deaths that change nothing

Obsessive Love from a trauma-bond that makes characters worse

Obsessive Love from a trauma-bond that keeps characters alive

Eyes as a horror element

Love/Life/Death compared to any of the cosmos

The intimacy of having a moment only two people know about

Love as servitude and worship

Doomed from the start characters who realize it and die by choice

Fatal Flaws actually being Fatal (So Icarus tea)

Characters literally being killed by the one thing they wanted

Royalty/Power as a curse

Flowers as life and innocence

Off Topic but Characters that acknowledge that what’s happening to them isn’t fair but fight anyways

Emotional pain as physical sickness

Characters without a choice being blamed for the things they do to survive

Characters seeing the thing they’re fighting against in themselves or their allies and how they deal w/ it

Multiple traumas in quick succession and how each character copes

Human characters in stressful situations reverting to animal instincts, almost savage, and learn what they’re capable of

Pressure to uphold an image as their reflection in the mirror the character doesn’t trust to be real. Flaws magnified

Hyper-sexuality as a form of control

Physical items with emotional significance that they’d die to protect

Love as just another power the character can’t control

Ok fine cannibalism as love

The past a character can never escape from

Humanizing everything as a symptom of being human (empathy)

Characters going against their ethics/beliefs for love

Characters who are alone realizing they’ve found a family

Sexuality as a curse

Sexuality as a blessing

Doubt as an infection

Characters treating animals like people vs treating people like animals

Character’s definition of what it is to be worthy is proven insignificant

The loss of purpose that is either never found again or found in spite/honor of the things they lost

Sleep as the trust characters have in the environment they’re in

Love as addiction

Pain as addiction

Anything addiction coded (IF the author has experience with addiction or loving an addict. Otherwise it doesn’t hit)

The only thing a character ever controlling being their death

Young characters having realistic and incredibly varied reactions to trauma

When they act out of character sporadically until it suddenly becomes who they are now

Character torn between being controlled but with nothing at risk vs Being free and constantly losing what they value most

Characters with healthy coping mechanisms or hobbies they’re embarrassed to find comfort in. Their loved ones immediately accepting them without question

Marriage without romance vs marriage that’s filled with love. Guess which one loses their partner? I’ll give you a hint it’s the one who has already sworn to die for their lover

Rule-following characters that serve as a narrative antagonist finally being pragmatic as character growth

Fate as something characters can never escape from

The ocean as life/death

Worshipping the earth when it provides then taking its resources selfishly without hesitation (“Giving Tree” Style kinda)

Characters who finally understand the danger only after the one who was warning them dies

Secret injury or illness ;)

How characters interact w/ plants/animals being their ability to nurture

Generational Trauma is always at fault at the end of the day fr

Characters returning home and realizing that coming home shouldn't ache like it does

Characters forced to play a role vs Characters who see right through them

The way time flows changing based on the weight of the moment (ie. One full chapter is a single hour - One paragraph is three months)

Sense memory (Touch, taste, smell, sound, sight) vividly taking the character back to something they had forgotten

Hurt/Comfort >>>>

[lunarticxenia]

Asteroid Leviathan #8813

Asteroid Leviathan #8813 deals with our inner demons and things that make life hard for us. One might apply more to you than another, also everything might not apply because this asteroid can present differently for many people. Hope you guys enjoy, and for anyone who’s sending questions I’m trying my best to answer them! My post on how to find asteroids in the natal chart is here. 

TW: Abuse, ED, S*xual assault. 

♠️ 1H/Aries: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 1H or in Aries regards their appearance, path in life, and general sense of self. Their inner demons could also regard their identity- perhaps they struggle with their sexuality or gender if they’re LGBT+. Individuals with this would likely pursue things like plastic surgery, heavy make-up, tattoos, piercings, and/or heavy working out to “fix” their appearance. They might also feel very lost with themselves as well, and don’t know who they truly are. They also might struggle with their path in life, they don’t know what they’re supposed to do and just feel lost all the time. 

♠️ 2H/Taurus: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 2H or in Taurus might regard possessions, their sense of worth, their body, and food. Individuals with this may have or had an eating disorder (myself included). These individuals might also have really low self esteem, and have a low sense of worth. They might find themselves in abusive relationships and/or friendships because their sense of worth is so low. They also might struggle with money; they might have grown up poor or grew up envying what other people had. They also might place their sense of worth based on how much money they have and/or what possessions they have.  They might feel that if they don’t have the nicest clothes that they’re just not worthy of anything. This could also manifest as a person who uses retail therapy and/or in more extreme cases someone who will do anything for money even it’s illegal or immoral. 

♠️ 3H/Gemini: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 3H or in Gemini might regard around intelligence, communication, siblings, primary and secondary education, and aunts & uncles. These individuals may have problems with communicating or learning- this could definitely manifest as an ADHD and/or a speech impediment placement. If not this extreme, the individual might just have problems with communicating in general and/or studying i.e. they can’t say how they feel, they can’t study, etc. They also might feel insecure about their intelligence and fear that they’re not smart enough.They could’ve gotten bullied in primary and/or secondary school. They could also have a strained relationship with a sibling and/or an aunt or uncle. In some cases, I’ve seen individuals with this have to take on almost a parental role with their siblings and this can cause a lot of strain on the individual. This could just mean an individual’s relationship with their sibling causes them strain. 

♠️ 4H/Cancer: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 4H or in Cancer might regard around the family, the mother, emotions, and their femininity. These individuals may have issues with their family- they might not get along with them well or they just flat out don’t like their family or certain members in it. Moreover, this could be a mommy issues placement. Individuals with this also might struggle with feeling insecure about showing their emotions and/or might struggle releasing them in a healthy way. They might be embarrassed when they cry, and no one will ever know how they feel. They tend to suffer alone. They might also struggle with their feminine side. Individuals might view their feminine side as “weak” and might associate it with showing emotions which they don’t like to do. 

♠️ 5H/Leo: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 5H or in Leo might regard love, creativity, expression, and children. These individuals may have issues with love. Not really relationships necessarily, but just how they give and receive love. These individuals might also struggle with seeing what love is and may struggle with recognizing it. They might see validation or attention as love. They also might be afraid of falling in love. They also might stay in abusive relationships because they love that person so much or they think that the abuse is a form of love. Basically just issues with love and how they see it. If not that their inner demons could center around creativity; perhaps they get absorbed in their creative works and nothing they do is ever good enough. They also might have a fear of having children and/or they might have issues with their children if they have them. For a person in the LGBT+ community I could also see this placement manifesting as being afraid to express their sexuality and gender (since this deals with love). If not that, they just struggle with expressing themselves in general. 

♠️ 6H/Virgo: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 6H or in Virgo might regard their health, employment, and sense of usefulness. These individuals might struggle with their health. While it might just be normal health problems, I’ve seen it more manifested as a person’s mental state making them have health problems, i.e. a person with anxiety gets IBS. Whatever the mental disorder or issue is, it can cause issues to the individuals physical health. This could also manifest as a mental disorder as well since it deals with inner demons. I could also see this as a person who constantly has to help people and overexert themselves because they feel like they’re never doing enough. I could also see this as a person feeling insecure at work, perhaps they feel like they’re a bad worker, and that they’re not good enough to be there.

♠️ 7H/Libra: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 7H or in Libra might regard relationships, partnerships/marriage, and enemies. These individuals may have issues with their relationships, and it doesn’t have to be just romantic relationships. They could struggle with how they maintain relationships with others; there could be a lot of arguments and/or they might struggle to upkeep the relationship. They also might have a hard time being vulnerable to others which can hinder a relationship development. These individuals can also struggle with romantic partnerships- they might find themselves dealing with toxic and/or abusive partners. Relationships in general for them can just bring them a lot of pain and trauma. The individual could also struggle with enemies as part of their inner demons as it can bring them strain. This can also be a person who’s their own worst enemy. 

♠️ 8H/Scorpio: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 8H or in Scorpio might regard sex, intimacy and vulnerability. These individuals may have issues regarding sex. In extreme cases this can manifest as sexual harassment, abuse, or assault. In less extreme cases they might have a hard time with sex because they have a hard time being that vulnerable to another person. Or this can manifest as someone who has sex a lot because they seek intimacy. These individuals regardless tend to struggle with intimacy and allowing themselves to be vulnerable to others. They tend to be more closed off around others and it takes a long time for them to open up. They enjoy their privacy and being “the lone wolf” however this can make them quite lonely because they feel that no one truly knows them. 

♠️ 9H/Sagittarius: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 9H or in Sagittarius might regard traveling, higher education, religion, and philosophy. These individuals may have issues in regards to traveling- perhaps they desire to travel but are confined by their circumstances. They also might have had something bad happened if they have traveled. They also might’ve had some trauma happen in college and/or is a big source of their mental anguish. I could also see this manifesting as religious trauma, especially in LGBT+ individuals. In more extreme cases this could indicate abuse by someone in the clergy. These individuals might struggle with being the victim of their own philosophy of life. Maybe their philosophy of life is just naturally pessimistic and this can cause them a great deal of pain. 

♠️ 10H/Capricorn: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 10H or in Capricorn might regard one’s career, reputation/public image, the father, and masculinity. These individuals tend to struggle with their career. They might feel that they’re not good enough for their career and might have a lot of anguish in deciding a career. Their career might also bring them a lot of anguish perhaps they work as a cop or a social worker and they come across a lot of really traumatizing scenarios. They also might struggle with their reputation/public image-perhaps people spread rumors about them a lot or people see them in a negative light, and this can cause them a lot of sadness. This can also be a daddy issues placement. This can also manifest as someone struggling with their masculinity or masculine side. If it’s a guy or a masculine presenting person he/they might not feel they’re being masculine enough. 

♠️ 11H/Aquarius: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 11H or in Aquarius might regard friendships, their sense of belonging, and their hopes & dreams. Individuals with this might struggle with friendships. Their friendships can bring them a lot of anguish- perhaps they tend to befriend toxic people or they just tend to have a hard time making friends at all. They also might have a lot of trauma regarding friends- perhaps something traumatic happened when they were with friends or their friends caused their trauma. In extreme circumstances this can manifest as a friend causing the person abuse. This person also might not feel like they belong anywhere. No matter what they do they feel like an outcast. They also might have big hopes and dreams and they feel like they can’t accomplish them. They might also have unrealistic hopes and dreams and this can crash and burn. 

♠️ 12H/Pisces: The inner demons of individuals with Leviathan in the 12H or in Pisces might regard spirituality, death, and one’s hidden self. Individuals with this may have a fear of death. They also might’ve been traumatized by the death of someone important to them, and they haven’t been the same. They also might have hidden parts of themselves that they resent and don’t like to show to people. These parts of themselves can cause them strain. They also might struggle with spirituality as well, they might not feel that they’re spiritual enough or they might feel lost spiritually. They might not have anything to really believe in, and they just feel lost. 

[variousqueerthings]

well I wrote about showers in MASH thoughts with @mashbrainrot and @le-red-queen because I was wondering if my fixating on it was merely humble objectification (it is also that), and now there’s more interesting stuff, like Context and Theme and Queercoding (always queercoding):

1. ok the obvious out of the way, I am not immune to the intimacy of seeing characters in showers. and I like the aesthetics of shower scenes. and alan alda and mike farrell are cute (also thank you to the single father Mulcahy shower scene, we finally got a good look at the shoulders he hides under those turtlenecks!)

2. and maybe a part of the original questionmark-feeling was considering how it’s not that common an occurrence as a setting -- usually showers convey something or other if they’re happening, you’re getting real close to someone in some way. They’re a normal everyday sort of thing that in narratives are often shown in order to be deeply intimate with characters for whatever reason, and so they don’t just get thrown in over and over again in a story, unless the setting is, idk... swimmers tournament or smthin. Showers are an important place, where Things Are Conveyed (whether they’re private or communal)

3. and it may not actually be as common an occurrence on the show as my brain is making it out to be, but I’ll be counting on my rewatch, as well as noting more directly what happens in showers -- and this is where my friendly neighbourhood co-ramblers come in and actually give me some more context that I’ve since forgotten

4. usually if Hawkeye is in the shower it’s with Trapper (s1-3) or BJ (s4-onwards). Obviously Hawkeye is physically and emotionally close with these men outside of the shower scenario, in ways that could fill pages of examples (dancing, sharing painful moments, wearing each others’ clothes, etc.) -- the shower brings home that, yeah, there’s really no part of each other they haven’t seen, to the point that it’s a complete non-event

5. in a wider context, it’s a domestic non-event anyway. Potter and Margaret have had meetings with each other while one of them was in the shower. They’ve walked in on Charles showering (and stolen his water). Margaret stole their clothes. Father Mulcahy was showering when a complete stranger to the unit took the stall next to his and started casually chatting to him. And presumably in-universe (to go away from the narrative use of shower-settings) they’ve all used (single-sex) communal showers in their lives anyway, so what gives on thinking too much about it?

6. Sidenote: earlier in the show there was that uncomfortable “spying on nurses in the shower” joke that popped up every once in awhile. I don’t think of these scenes in terms of non-events, those were just invasions of privacy and I’m glad the show has moved past that, except for mild ribbing between people who know each other well (Hawkeye offering to scrub Margaret’s back)

7. I’m sure anyone who’s been in a longterm communal setting, like the army, wouldn’t bat an eyelid, but there’s something about the fact that they’re not soldiers, they didn’t set out to be in this space and build a family with one another. And narratively it’s another subversion from a lot of war-films which are intensely afraid of creating deep intimacy in casual spaces, that don’t involve your buddy bleeding to death in your arms or what have you (not consciously because It mIgHT bE gAy, but moreso because it wouldn’t be manly and therefore not cool, I presume)

8. and on the “not cool” thread, these moments aren’t fraught with danger or  massive amounts of conflict, they’re just... downtime. They can set up conflict and scenes (like the water drought episode or again, Margaret stealing the clothes) and include important information, but as a setting they’re about decompression, they’re about washing off dirt and blood, and they’re often where you get some of the funnest banter and some meaningful conversation

9. Showering is an ordinary occurrence that’s given so much weight

10. for a Very Private Place, it’s also not super private. There is no “real” private space here. Just two guys living in each others’ pockets (mashbrainrot I love that phrase) with a door right there that anybody could open at any time. There’s some interesting underlying questions about what you can get away with in terms of closeness and how much more adamantly you have to affirm boundaries if there are so few in-built ones, if, say, you were two guys who were dancing on the edge of acceptable behaviour anyway

11. in conclusion-ish: the things that are conveyed here are slightly different to the typical shower-scene. Something about (lack) of privacy, something about intimacy and domesticity as a way of building up the characters’ relationships to each other, something about decompression and a teeny tiny room to stave off the fact that there’s a war right outside, something about how MASH puts a lot of weight on the importance of everyday routines (as well as what happens when those basic routines are disrupted in an already disrupted life), and something about wet boys whose closeness you as a viewer are suddenly also very close to... 

12. also something about Hawkeye and BJ ducking down to hide their chests from Margaret, as if this was an unexpected breach of privacy and they’re not both usually very fond of being given the attention. I am enamoured.

[danielxricciardo]

Cheater III

Summary: You found out Max cheated on you part 3.

Warnings: angst and fluff by the end

Word count: 2.5k

Part 1 and Part 2

Cheating in a relationship is the saddest thing. It can kill the personality from the inside. Bring changes a lot mentally. These situations turn into you to be good or bad. Some may be helpful to be stronger.

It feels bad when our loved one cheated, cause we are well connected to our partners. We had a lot of plans for that person to spend a most valuable time of ours. When it isn't going to happen then it feels unsuccessful or bad. Expecting something from another person is common in humans. When it turns down we feel such pain, like stabbing with words, The words have the power to kill or to give life to the opponent's mind. The reason why people say 'think before you talk'.

True love doesn't involve multiple people... You knew that.

When you are in love with someone, you don't cheat and you're not talking about just finding others attractive. You just don't desire to be sexually intimate with other people when you are truly "in love" with one person. You're not talking about caring for someone or loving in general.

You're talking about the head over heels, you're soulmates, the stars have aligned and nobody else has what you have, a type of love that consumes your whole being and makes you want to give that person the world. And that includes giving them the greatest physical pleasure that they can possibly experience. Cheating takes that away from you and that is why it hurts.

The person you are in love with and desire, who you thought felt the same way is revealing to you that intimacy with you is meaningless when you thought it was special. They do not desire you in the same way that you desire them. They are not "in love" with you in the way that you thought. All of your love is in vain.

“Why do we feel bad, even horrible, when our partner cheats on us?"

A trust, expectation, a promise was broken. This type of violation hits you closer to the heart because you have let that person through all your external defenses. Because you fear the loneliness that you are going to face. Nobody wants to end alone. When you put in so much for your relationship, you want it to last. But when your partner cheats you think that you would end alone, gradually realize this happens and life doesn't end here and someone else is going to come into your life.

Why do guys cheat on girls?

Both men and women cheat. In some cases, the reasons are simple: humans are animals with sex drives. We are biologically programmed to "spread our seeds." We have other instincts, such as loyalty, honesty, and guilt feelings. Those drives duke it out with lust in our brains. Sometimes, lust wins. It's more complicated than that because we tend to associate sex with so many other things: youth, freedom, adventure, personal attractiveness, you name it.

You know people make all sorts of excuses like, “I wasn’t happy in my relationship” or “I didn’t know what I was doing” or “I don’t find my partner attractive anymore” or “someone convinced me to do it.” You’ve heard these. But it’s funny to you.

A cheater can never have any excuse. They do not deserve to have that say after cheating on someone.

If you weren’t happy in the relationship, then why didn’t you break up first and had sex with someone else? Why didn’t you say that you needed a break and then had sex? Also, how can someone even convince you to cheat on your partner? It’s nonsense.

Some people will even go as far as to say that the other person made them feel loved, so they got swayed away. If you are not feeling loved by your partner and someone else is doing that job, then aren’t you supposed to figure out your feelings first, maybe break up with your partner and then be with someone else? That’s common sense.

Nobody deserves to be cheated on. The blame is ALWAYS on the cheater. Nowadays people even try to justify cheaters. It’s insane. To you, all the answers to “why” are simply just excuses trying to justify their unacceptable behavior. You know, how they always say that a person who cheats once will cheat again.

Since you found out that Max cheated on you and until this moment, so many months have passed that you have the impression that you have started to heal. You were with a man who made you feel fulfilled, happy, and loved. There were days in a row when you didn't think about Max, but even when you thought, you had in mind only the beautiful moments. Like when, for your first date, he rented your entire favorite restaurant and he cooked for both of you, even though he didn't know how to cook more than just one egg. Or when you first visited him at a Grand Prix for the first time and he won and came to you and kissed you in front of all the cameras, telling everyone that you are his lucky talisman. Or, your favorite memory, when you were at his house after you met his family and heard him talking to his father about you. Sure, you didn't understand a word they said, but Victoria translated to you what was most important about that conversation: Max loves you so much and if he doesn't get to marry you, he'll never marry anyone else.

As dear as your last memory may be, it is also painful because it is like a slap in the face to the fact that there was a time in your life when you were in love and now you were no longer together.

When you told your family that you started seeing another man, more than 6 months after you and Max broke up, your mother asked you how you could get into a relationship so quickly. relationship.

To be honest, you weren't ready yet. You were damn scared but Stephen, your boyfriend now, went after you a lot and you decided that if you don't give him a chance now it will be many years before you think about going on a date with someone else. You knew it wasn't going to be a long relationship. You didn't have much in common with Stephen, but he was a good, sweet boy, and you needed someone who wouldn't make you hate all the men in the world.

"Look, I'm not saying you didn't go through something traumatic, but it's been almost a year since then and I think it's time to come and show everyone that you're not afraid of anyone or anything," says Anthony who called you on facetime one Sunday night after the race.

"But I'm afraid."

"Just shut up, no one needs to know. You just come here, you smile, you laugh, you act friendly with everyone and you're going to look like you're better of without him."

You sigh and get out of bed, and go to the kitchen to get a pill for your headache.

"But he will be there..."

"Okay, so? Who cares about him? I'll always be by your side, I promise he won't talk to you."

"Can I come with Stephen?"

"You know I can't stand him, Y/N. Take him with you to the next Grand Prix, I don't feel like seeing him now, okay?"

"I'll think about it."

You have decided, however, to go to the last Grand Prix of the season, in Abu Dhabi. No one but Anthony knew you were coming to the race.

You forgot what a busy atmosphere it was on Sunday. However, everyone who saw you came to you to talk a little and to tell you that you missed them. You smiled and answered that you missed them as well.

The road to Red Bull Racing was long and short at the same time.

"Do my eyes see well? Y/F/N Y/L/N!" says Christian Horner, who comes to you and hugs you.

You first see Sergio Perez who waves at you, happy to see you, then you see Max who comes from somewhere in the back. Had he just heard your name?

"Hey, guys! I'm so glad to see you again. I missed you all."

"And we missed you, Y/N!" Christian answers on behalf of all Red Bull Racing employees. "Welcome home."

You giggle.

"Thank you."

In less than 10 minutes since you got there, Anthony broke his promise. He promised not to leave you alone so that Max could not come and talk to you.

"Hey," Max says softly, coming behind you.

You shivered at his voice, a voice you've dreamed of every night since you broke up. You turn to him and analyze his facial features. He was the way you remembered him, maybe even more handsome.

You look left and right for Anthony but you can't see him.

"Hey." You answer Max and your heart starts beating much harder.

"I'm so glad to see you... I missed you."

The desire to take him in your arms and kiss him was so strong that you felt dizzy. You couldn't focus on anything, not even a few words to say.

"Do you think that we... We could see each other after the race to... Talk?" he asks, moving his weight from one foot to the other.

"Okay," you say and regret it the next second.

"How stupid am I for wanting to get back together with Max after he cheated on me?" you asked Anthony.

"First of all, you're not stupid for wanting to get back with your boyfriend. Relationships are the most real things anyone can experience. We're growing while we're together. As we grow, we also go through many different behaviors in life. Behavior does not make that person. Behaviors come and go as we grow into who we are. No one is perfect. You cannot name one person you know to be 100% perfect, right?" you shake your head and he continues. "We all grow organically, and the best thing about being in a relationship is that you get to watch each other grow. You get to experience the person you care about to develop. Relationships are like walking through a door that you don't know what's on the other side. But you go through the door without any fear, doubt, or unbelief. Relationships are the livest-realest- life experience. He is a man. A man can only love once or twice. Just because Max has sex with a woman, doesn't mean he loves her. He just wanted to get his rocks off for a moment. When it is all said and done, he loves you. It may sound strange but just think of all the men you knew. Think about all the relationships you knew about. Think those who have been together for years on out. So, no you're not stupid for wanting to embrace your boyfriend's "only temporary behavior". You're smart for wanting to have the courage to walk through the next door. You're smart for being optimistic and knowing that things will get better with time. You realize the importance of maintaining a companion."

You blink several times.

"Why do I feel like you've practiced this speech in front of the mirror several times?"

He laughs and runs his arm over your shoulder.

"Maybe because that's what I did?"

You laugh and you hug him.

"Thank you for being my friend. So you're saying I should give Max another chance?"

"You don't have to give him a chance if you don't want to. But listen to your heart. Don't just do it because I'm saying so because you might regret it and you'll blame me. If you want to give him another chance, just do it. He's not the kind of man to cheat. I don't know what was on his mind when he did it with Kelly. But something tells me he regrets what he did and he will never cheat again."

"Hey, can we talk now?"

"Sure. Congrats on the win!"

"Yeah, thanks."

You both went to his room to talk. You were scared and your palms were sweating. You didn't want to start the conversation because you had different scenarios in mind, all different, depending on what Max would tell you the first time. You swallowed hard when you entered his room. The last time you were there, you two broke up.

“I’m truly sorry for hurting you.” he started saying after he closed the door behind you. "I care for you more than anything. I’m deeply sorry for hurting you… Hurting you is the most painful thing I have ever done. With a bruised heart and a deflated ego, with a sad soul and a head hung low, I apologize to you. An apology is nothing to what I’ve done; but still, I know you have a forgiving and understanding heart and won’t let resentment destroy our love. I have shown you what an idiot I can be by making that mistake. Now it is your turn to show me what a darling you can be by giving your anger a break. Without you I feel lonely, I never want to lose you in my life. I am sorry and I’ll work hard on changing my behavior. I know that I caused you a lot of pain. Whatever happens, remember that I am the guy, who will always be there for you in good and bad times. I know you’re angry now, but I want you to know that I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry for hurting you. I am ready to make amends. If I could, I would have wiped your memories about all the terrible things that I have caused you, but all I can do is to promise you that I’ll create only happy memories for you. I hope when you feel ready you can forgive me."

His words took you by surprise. You knew he would try to apologize, but in your mind, you weren't crying. You knew before you came to the room with him that you would forgive him.

"I forgive you. To be honest, I think I forgave you before we broke up but my ego was hurt and I couldn't forgive you so quickly. What you did was horrible and I hated you for so many months for making me feel so small and insignificant. But I love you. And I want to give ourselves another chance."

tag: hellolipoops, taina-eny

[itstheimpossibledream]

Only A Play-Part 2

Word Count:3053

Pairing :  AU Henry & FemBlack! Reader

Warning:Angst, soon to come Smut

Summary: Y/n and Henry still trying to navigate their mutual attraction but, their job is making it harder to deny.The next chapter is already written, there’s sex in it I swear.

"So today I want you guys to focus on working with Dana" Steve began 

"She's our resident intimacy coordinator, I've already gone over the scene with her and she's going to make sure it goes over as smooth as possible. We're going to get her assistance a couple times during this process but today we're going to empty out the studio so have fun, play and get to know eachother. Today is just a day for you two to find some comfortable physicality with eachother." Stephen winks at you and then begins ushering tech and the few ensemble members out of the room. Friend or not, anyone attracted to men could not deny that Mr. Cavill was absolutley gorgeous, as wasted as it may be. In all honesty you hadn't spoken much aside from that snowy day outside the studio. He did begin to bring coffee and Kal to rehearsals and you tended to find the snuggly, bear of a dog always next to you when you were waiting for a cue but, it wasn't as though the two of you had had a heart-to-heart and resolved any of these unspoken differences. And as far as the scene was concerned your heart was doing backflips unable to tell which action would come more naturally, to kiss him or to hit him.

"So I'm seeing a lot of passion here! O !Please remove your shoes for today's lesson." Dana cuts in breaking the silence. Both of you look down at the wood paneled floor. Now was the time where you really had to work, you think to yourself while slowly slipping out of your shoes. 

“Unfortunately Dana, “ Henry begins, immediately charming the brakes off of her. 

 “ At this point of the play I believe her character is quite conflicted, as a woman she obviously wants to give in to him but, at the same time she knows she'll be letting down her family and he will too, they'll live a life with no family outside of the one they create for themsevles. It's quite powerful.But, a tough emotional point to bring oneself to."

"That may be how Christopher sees it -" you snap referring to his character. You are suddenly aware that you sound way more upset then you had intended to. "She doesn't want have sex with him because if she does she's giving up more than him,she always has.That's the whole story of their relationship. " you say, allowing your words to be the dam between the flood of  frustration you want to direct his way.

"So as you said we both have a lot of emotions here, we need to work on honing them into something that could potentially work itself into this explosion of passion okay?" Dana jumped excitedly. She looks exactly like what you would have expected from an intimacy coordinator.She wore a long moo-moo like dress and chunky amber jewelry.She smelled of a ton of weed, not as though you were really complaining but, it all added to the aesthetic that had washed into the room on her heels as she had entered. 

"I want to begin with an exercise- Mr.Cavill I know you've done scenes like this before so please work with me if I touch on some things you've already heard." she says leaning over and squeezing his forearm while winking. Great even the sex scene coordinator thought he was hot.

" I'm going to give you the space to choose but I want you both to just slowly go through the scene and when you hit a line that feels acceptable you remove an item of clothing. On stage you've both agreed to full nudity but today I just want to push you to do what feels comfortable!" Quietly you both moved to the opposite ends of the room, hitting your marks to begin the scene. You said your first few lines focusing on washing the dishes, the studio didn't have running water so it ended up being more like mime washing dishes. You were so much more professional than you were proving to be in this moment but, the second Henry removed his shirt you couldn't help but feel embarrassed. On his first line?Really? That was so like him ,so pompous.  And even more upsetting how ridiculously attractive he was. God was his body sculpted from marble? Nothing but pure muscle rippling evenly, he seemed somehow tanned, despite the blistering New York winter. You focused hitting your next line perfectly ,completely unphased by his topless body.With the following delivery you shrug out of your jacket, revealing your tank top. Thank christ you had expected to have a hook-up with a bartender after today's rehearsal. You weren't in full lingerie but, you were definitely in a matching set. A matching set that happened to make your ass look great. You held that in your back pocket, knowing you had every right to parade about, naked in the same room as someone who was a shoe-in to be named 'World's Sexiest Man'. You went for it, pulling off your tank top with your next line. This is when your blocking got physical. You had run this scene before but, running it scantily clad was an entirely different matter. You were supposed to  straddle him. That seemed simple enough. You stood before him, gingerly sliding one knee up onto the couch and then swinging another to the other side of him. 

"Are you sure?" he whispered, low and slow. You hated how during the scenes he actually had moments of completely brilliant acting where you could see an amazing talent. Then, you felt his hand on your knee. It was absurdly large and warm, so warm. You froze. You didn't want to do it but, you froze.Your eyes flitted all over the room, desperately looking for a way out , to end the scene. You feel his hand move up your thigh, it's the blocking, he's just doing his job, you remind yourself. But, something in you makes you afraid of his touch. You look into his eyes and you can tell he's noticed you shrinking under his touch. He clears his throat and drops character.Changing his intention toward Dana.

"I'm sorry can we start over? I completely forgot my line." he smiled at her.

"Sure! That was really great I think just focus a bit more on your intention. It's funny I think you guys had more sexual tension at the start of the rehearsal than at the top of the scene!" she laughed to herself. "Okay, let's take a step back, relax , stand up !  Stand up!" she says, jumping to her feet. The two of you peeled yourself apart from each other and you found yourself looking down at your perfectly perky breasts feeling more insignificant than ever. You could feel your face heating up by his move to take the blame for the scene. It was much more gentlemanly than you were expecting from him. 

"How about we take a break and come back in twenty? She suggested after a few warm-ups of jumping around and saying self -assuring mantras out-loud. After half a bottle of water, redressing, boring stretches and pretending to avoid eye-contact with Henry your rehearsal was finally up.

“ Oookay guys good stuff. Goooood stuff ! So for the weekend tomorrow I know Stephen had you signed up for a few meet and greets and publicity shoots but, I actually think that if you guys could set aside the time that you do spend together to get physically comfortable it could do a lot for your onstage comfortability. Hand holding, general petting or stroking, you may even want to try a light sitting on the lap, just anything really to get you more used to one another. This relationship needs to seem as effortless and fluid as possible.” She smiled “ also note that my number is free for 24/7 communication so if something comes up for you emotionally in this work feel free to get in contact with me, even if it's just to chat my door is always open!" she beams,collecting her water bottle and other assorted scripts she was reading through at the beginning of the rehearsal. 

Stephen reenters and, he and Dana go to the corner of the room to talk. 

You work your back pack onto your shoulder and begin to head for the door.

"Wait up!" Henry calls out from behind you. You whirl around and almost bump into him. His sweatshirt is baggy but unzipped enough that you can see the small tufts of hair playing at the tops of his chest, his baseball cap pulled way down over his forehead. Those blue eyes shined bright from the shade under that baseball cap. 

"What are your plans for tonight ?" he asked, slightly exaggerating his breathing from the light jog across the room. You searched the room awkwardly,looking for an out. What is it with him? Why did he think, especially after the last time the two of you had spent alone together, that you would ever want to be included in his plans for the night.  

"Perfect Idea!" Stephen exclaims from across the room. "You guys use tonight to bond as much as possible before tomorrow afternoon's interview session yeah?" 

"Uhhhh sure ." You agree, not wanting to seem like the town buzz-kill. You turn shrugging towards Henry. He smiles, seeming almost relieved that you agreed without putting up a fight, as Steve moves to rejoin Dana in the back

"So uhhh my place or yours?" he asks in a half hearted joke. 

"Uhhh" you definitely don't want him at your place, where there is laundry strewn all over the apartment . 

"I mean I have to feed my dog and run some errands anyway so my apartment would be ideal."

"O great! Okay yeah , let's do that then." you pushed on the door and headed for the elevator, the ride down to the lobby of the rehearsal studios was entirely silent, filled with awkward shuffling and avoided eye contact. Only punctuated by a short uber black ride in silence to an apartment on the upper east side. Ofcourse he lived on the upper east side.The doorman was polite as you followed behind him, clearly him bringing strange women up to his apartment was not entirely unheard of. Once in the room, you asked where to sit your bag down, your afternoon ritual usually included a trip to the gym, that is what had become your me -time since college. He motioned you to his guest room, in which you were shocked,contained a shower, granted the entire tiny room was a shower but, being a guest in New York with your own bathroom was definitely not an everyday thing. Especially, for a little black girl from the south. 

"Is it okay if I shower before we grab dinner?" you ask.

"Oh! You wanted to grab dinner?I was just going to order chinese."

"That's fine! " you ungracefully exclaimed from the other room.Shit. Hopefully he didn't think you really meant grab dinner like on a date.

"Do you have a special order?"he asked, appearing in the doorway. You turned around slightly alarmed that his voice had gotten that much closer.

"I love everything!" you smile, he looked down at the floor nervously. "but shrimp lomein is my favorite." you say unzipping your jacket and placing it on the bed, your bra was working overtime holding you up and you made a mental note to order another one exactly like it. He cleared his throat and there was a second of silence. You could feel his eyes slowly darting around the room trying not to look at your chest. As actors, especially ones who have to do nude scenes together you didn't think it would be a big deal to him that you were getting ready to shower. You had mentioned on the elevator earlier that you had wanted a shower. Taking off your jacket just seemed like the right next step, nothing to feel weird over. 

"Sounds Good!" he exclaims, finally showing you his full smile, for the first time since the rehearsal process had started. God he was a sight, he had removed his hat and you noticed how perfectly his hair curled onto his forhead.It was adhered by sweat but, not the weird homecoming- football helmet sweat, you get from your highschool crush. This was a grown-man glistening infront of you. It sounded ridiculous, the situation itself was ridiculous,why was he even sweating ?

"Sorry-I uh- I didn't know you were showering right now. We can talk about it later if you-"

"It's fine" you say, stepping in and  laying a hand on his forearm.His eyes shot down to your hand then immediately back to your eyes, sure to avoid seeming like he was staring at your breasts. He clears his throat again and you can smell the faint cologne on him as you watch his adams apple bob. The air in the room changes and you feel him shift away from you. You mumble a thanks for the dinner as you hear  him close the door between you. 

Your shower was perfectly steamy and warm, much unlike your brooklyn apartment that had charm and character but, a much worse hot water heater. As you washed away the dirt from the day you tried not to think of Henry, of what he must think of you for absolutely chewing him out just a few short weeks ago. He seemed to have gotten over it but, at the same time perhaps he was just trying to be the better person. As much as you hated to admit it he had completely accepted your scathing critique and was now treating you like the highest paying guest at a five-star resort. You turned down the hot water, basking in the last bit of steam and enjoying the first true silence of your day. Reaching an arm up, you grab a towel, wrapping it around your body. You stretched out for another towel that you had laid across the sink, somehow your legs completely slipped from under you and you crashed to the floor,grabbing the sink for leverage. Really all you did was knock over some toiletries that you had put on the sink earlier and you could feel your cheeks heating up. It was weird to be embarrassed in a room by yourself but, you knew he must've heard something. You sat on the floor, allowing your chin to rest on the top of your knees. You desperately needed a moment to breathe. Life had been so stressful lately, and you possibly had let off a bit too much steam on him. He was actually a nice guy, sure the accessible information on him didn't make him look amazing but when it came down to it once you explained how you felt about him he had worked so hard to seem normal and accessible. For whatever reason  he seemed to respect your opinion as an artist. The knock at the door kept you from becoming completely lost in your thoughts. It knocked again and you could hear his feet shuffle on the hard wood outside of the door, the nails of the large dog clicking the floor next to him. 

"You okay in there?" It seemed earnest enough.

"Yeah!" you called back "My mind has really been somewhere else lately, I just umm lost my footing- that's all." 

"Okay well let me know if you need anything." It was cheery but helpful. Once you heard him close the door to your room you got up and got dressed as quickly as you could, fumbling to get sweatpants on without accident. Today was definitely not your most agile day. You finally let your hair down and put on just the smallest amount of mascara to make your eyes pop.It was an effortlessly hot look that had worked for you for years, especially in college. You closed the door behind you and gently padded your way to the kitchen. The apartment was cozy, Kal was curled up on a rug in the corner of the room while Henry portioned the food onto pristine white plates. You noticed the baseball cap was back on and at least thanked god for giving you that small assistance in removing the temptation to touch him by running your fingers through his hair.

"So you order takeout but refuse to eat it out of the container?"you asked jokingly as he whirled around from the counter.That smile appeared on his face again and you knew you were putty in his hands,The way he filled out his navy blue t-shirt was unbelievable.

"It's less calories this way." he winked. Thank god he had a sense of humor.You returned his smile now sitting in the chair closest to the kitchen. The conversation veered from workout routines, to body image stress as a performer and then back to work. You found yourself sucking a noodle wishing he'd bring up something else. You absolutely could not do a night of niceties and small talk at this point in your life but, you also weren't ballsy enough to walk right up to him and tell him you wanted him.

"Y/N?"he asked

"Yeah?" you jumped being pulled once again from you daydream

"Do you wanna run lines or watch tv or something?"he asked shyly

"Yeah I mean -we can run lines if you want I just thought we were supposed to bond by talking or something." you laughed trying to take the edge off the awkwardness of the scenario.

"Well what do you want to talk about ?' he asked, leaning back in his seat, baseball cap over his eyebrows.His jawline was so sharp it could cut ice, it dawned on you that he was actually much too goodlooking for his own good. 

You picked up a fortune cookie at the center of the table and tossed it to him.

"Read me your fortune."you smiled seductively. He raised his eyebrows at you but, something must have convinced him because he simply shook his head and said.

"Okay."

[imthepointe]

We’re Not Really Strangers

Jay’s not really sure why Cole has always been so touchy with him, but he decides to welcome the physical contact- to an extent. And so he resigns himself to a great and terrible boundary of friendly intimacy with his best friend; more than strangers but never more than friends, perhaps destined for something greater.

In which Jay is one-hundred percent, entirely straight.

a/n: 4302 words, tw for internalized homophobia

When Jay first met Cole, he first noticed his arms. His really nice, lean, smooth arms. They were unusually buff for a thirteen-year-old, and reflected years of mountain climbing and muscle building. The very next thing he thought was what? because that was a weird thing to notice in a guy.

In his reckless adolescence, the little lightning ninja chalked this first and silent observation up to the fact that pre-teens shouldn’t be so buff and that it was only natural for him to notice Cole’s inherent, smoulder-y attractiveness.

Because Jay liked girls. He liked their skin, their long hair, and…

It doesn’t matter. Jay liked girls, exclusively.

Five years later Jay can’t imagine a life without Cole. He’s his partner in fighting, combat, and training, but also in just day-to-day life. Their conversations range from fighting about which flavor of ramen is best to more serious topics such as relationships...with family.

Jay remembered when Cole had first opened up to him about losing his mother and his rocky relationship with his father. He had looked down, until finally, Jay scooted just a little bit closer to him. His side pressed into Cole’s, and the earth ninja crumbled, allowing himself to be emotional and sincere. And when it was all over, Cole put his hands on Jay’s and thanked him; Jay ignored the warmth in his chest, attributing it to the vulnerability of the conversation and the delicacy of the talk.

But Cole’s physical presence persisted. It started during gaming nights, when the two were so close they were practically on top of one another, their thighs touching and oh god Cole’s bicep flexing against Jay’s arm as he gripped the game controller tighter.

Jay decided he didn’t mind the contact and allowed Cole to continue being close.

During training, Cole would not miss any opportunity to help Jay stand from the ground, extending hand to help him up and gently pulling the blue ninja to his feet. During physical combat training, Cole would win- and rather it was because Jay liked when Cole would swiftly pin him down to the ground or simply because the earth ninja was a better fighter than he, Jay wasn’t sure.

As they were sitting for dinner, Cole’s hand would brush against Jay’s. It was fleeting and probably an accident.

This was the problem: Jay found himself thinking about Cole’s muscles much more than he thought about kissing nameless girls. But he maintained that it was only because Cole was his best friend and naturally a pretty handsy guy- not to mention he does have stellar muscles, anyway, so it was only natural that they were noticeable to Jay.

But this resolve crumbled one hot summer day during training. They were both seventeen.

“You all have such cool places to keep your weapons,” Jay complained. Kai, Zane, Cole, Jay, and Lloyd were all out in the monastery’s courtyard, taking a small break from the morning’s rigorous training.

“Do we?” Zane asked, quirking an eyebrow.

“Yes,” Jay said, dragging the “s” sound. “I just have to carry my nunchucks.”

Kai suggested he get a belt that would hold them, and Jay liked that idea, until the belt finally came.

Kai had made it for him. Jay was grateful- he really was- but this was by god the ugliest thing he had ever laid eyes on. Not to mention it weighed about as much as he did, and it hardly even was able to hold his nunchucks.

But as to not disappoint the fire ninja, he tried to put it on. Tried. Unfortunately- or perhaps fortunately, Jay’s not sure- Kai was also not an expert in design and practical effectiveness.

“Kai, this buckles in the back,” Jay said. “I can’t get it on.” Internally, Jay breathed a sigh of relief. At least he for sure didn’t have to put the belt on now.

But when Cole offered to help him put the belt on, he quickly accepted.

So Cole took the belt and knelt down beside the blue ninja, buckling the buckle (in the back!) with gentleness and care. All throughout practice, Jay found himself annoyed by the cumbersome feeling of the belt, even if he did have a place to store his nunchucks. But, the next day, when Cole offered to help him put the belt on again, Jay said yes before his mind could catch up.

Jay was uncomfortably comfortable with it all. When he should be trying to focus on training, all he can think about was Cole’s warm and calloused hands gently touching his hips, steadying them to buckle his stupid little nunchuck belt.

The third night after the belt incident, the lightning ninja was in his room, mentally reprimanding himself for stewing over Cole’s likely innocent acts of kindness- not because he wasn’t grateful for Cole’s help and generosity, he really was, but because he should be used to Cole’s touchiness by now.

And that was that. Cole has always been a little bit more physical in his...affections, and had no issue giving gentle touches and reassuring looks to anyone. That was right, Jay supposed. It didn’t matter because the entire situation was just Cole being the nice guy that he was. If it had been Zane with a belt fiasco, the earth ninja wouldn’t have hesitated to help him clasp the buckle either. Jay wasn’t even sure why he was so worked up about the whole thing anyways.

He dismissed the thought. Plus, no matter how physical Cole was, it didn’t matter, because Jay liked girls anyways. He really liked Nya, who, despite being the only girl he had ever had some sort of connection with beside his mother, seemed to like him too.

So he drifted off to sleep, dreaming about kissing her... but everytime he closed his eyes and conjured up this mental picture, she didn’t have a face.

---

A week later, after dinner, Jay and Cole were alone playing some game when the black ninja set his controller down and assumed an aura of stoic-ness about him.

“What’s up?” Jay asked.

“I’m bisexual,” Cole responded.

Jay’s mouth hung wide for a moment, before he mustered a smile and a “cool!” and cracking some stupid joke like leave it to you to overachieve. But he had also noticed the strength and vulnerability of Cole’s tone. When he came out then, he might have been scared, but he wasn’t afraid. Jay even remembered finding it admirable how relaxed Cole remained.

And then the moment was over, ending with Cole muttering “just wanted to let you know.” Jay didn’t mind, and they resumed gaming.

Minutes later, the door opened to reveal Kai, Lloyd, Zane, and Nya.

“C’mon, lovebirds, Wu wants us to try out some new training technique. He said-”

“Lovebirds? That’s a new one, Kai,” Cole interrupted, a light and playful smile on his face. He seemed to be handling Kai’s words with considerably more lightheartedness, either not putting more than two cents to Kai’s words or just not caring regardless.  

But Jay cared, a lot. He jumped from the couch and met Kai’s eyes.

“And at least I’m straight!” Jay shouted in a valiant display of defense, perhaps more as a reminder to himself than the others. He felt his cheeks burn and his stomach twist; he regretted saying that almost immediately.

(Jay would spend the next week regretting his reaction, loathing himself for his intonation and word choice. Soon, though, the regret turned into a serious analysis of why he cared so much about Kai’s tease, but this rhetorical question stumped even Jay’s genius. Because- in that moment- Jay wanted whatever it was Kai thought he and Cole were.

The lightning ninja came to the conclusion that he and Cole were naturally going to be drawn to spend time together, because obviously. They were best friends, and Jay couldn’t imagine not spending time alone with the earth ninja. It’s what kept their friendship so strong.)

“Okay, uh,” Kai stammered, glancing to the side, as if he were trying to avoid something. “It was a joke. I was kidding.”

Nya scoffed. “Let’s just go,” she said, turning to leave. Lloyd and Zane followed her path in suit, presumably towards the monastery’s courtyard to do whatever it was Wu wanted them to do. Then Kai inhaled quickly and turned, and Jay made a move to follow, but something stopped him.

He spared a final glance back at Cole, who he expected to still have a kind expression. Instead, he was sitting on the couch, head in his hands, and cheeks twinged ever so slightly pink.

Jay shook his head and left him alone.

They didn’t practice together that night; Jay practiced with Nya and left Cole alone with Lloyd. Afterwards, everyone had gone inside to shower and head to bed, save for he and Nya.

“Hey,” she called. “Thank you for practicing with me tonight.” Jay’s shoulders stiffened.

Surely it was at least 11 at night by now, completely dark outside. He could hardly see Nya standing directly in front of him.

“You’re welcome. I…” he trailed off, trying to think of something he should say. “I really wanted to. And you’re a good partner.”

“Yeah?”

Jay smiled. “Yeah.”

Then their hands brushed. It was silent for a moment, the only sound the small, labored breaths coming from the two ninjas. They were close, and Jay was elated. This was exactly how it was supposed to happen. This is always how it happened in the books he read or the shows he watched.

Then Nya smiled, and Jay smiled, and then he kissed her.

He supposed it was nice. Even though he couldn’t really see her, he liked kissing Nya. He had thought about it for quite some time. They pulled apart, and Jay looked at her once more, as if he had just seen her in this light for the very first time.

“Thanks again, Jay,” she whispered. The water ninja turned to head inside, but he stopped her, catching her hand.

“Nya,” he said, and it sounded more like a question than a statement. “I like you. I really like you.”

“But you wish I was Cole?”

Jay felt his heart drop and face flush, before he was spitting defenses left and right. That was not what he was expecting after he kissed the girl of his dreams.

Nya didn’t know what he felt. How could she? But as Jay almost expected himself to be angry with her, he wasn’t. His heart began to rapidly beat, and suddenly he wanted to leave this conversation so badly he probably would have faced a djinn again if it meant he could wish this all away.  

“Don’t play dumb, Jay,” she laughed. Her smile was kind. “You two hold hands all the time. I’ve seen the way you look at him. You just think you like me.” She took his hand, despite the fact that it was shaky and sweaty from anxiety.

“Listen to me, Jay. Take a deep breath.”

The lightning ninja almost protested, but remained silent, deciding anything he said might just dig himself deeper. “I think you’re great,” Nya began. “But…” she looked off in the distance, probably at the mountains far away. “Trust me. Think about it, and you can talk to me later if you want. Truth is, Jay, I love you, and care for you. And I’m observant.” She let go of his hand, gave his shoulder a squeeze, and went inside the monastery, leaving him alone.

He had one single, fleeting, yet distinct thought as he watched her turn away: Nya’s never been wrong before.

---

Somewhere between denial and anger and bargaining and depression there was Jay. Cole- or, at least, the thought of him- started to keep him up at night, in a real bad way, because every time he closed his eyes he saw him. It was like a rhythm known only to him, the way Jay would push the earth ninja as far away as possible from him during the day but at night wish he was closer than ever.

He was repelling Cole, ever since that night, that terrible, terrible night, when Cole trusted him and when Nya stepped out of her place. He didn’t want to, though. Still, Jay took no initiative to restore their intimacy they once had, even though his heart ached for it.

Of course, though, nothing gold can stay; as the weekly movie night rolled around, he found himself sitting next to the black ninja on the couch, maybe just a little too close for comfort.

But the chosen movie is boring. He was looking at the screen, yes, but his mind was somewhere else- maybe on Cole, whose head was nearly resting on his shoulder, asleep soundly and taking in small, shallow breaths; maybe it was on Nya, who was watching the movie, seemingly very interested in whatever the plot was but probably not really; or Kai, Lloyd, Zane, and Pixal, the latter of which were holding hands and smiling, and Kai and Lloyd fixated on the movie.

See, that was the thing about relationships Jay never really understood. How did Zane know he liked Pixal? Zane was a robot. How did he ever fall for her? Was it human nature, or lack thereof? Or something more innate?

“I believe the term for it is ‘pansexuality,’’' Zane had once said, a couple months ago. “I love Pixal because of who they are. I do not think it is in my coding to see...” he paused, thinking. “...gender. I simply love her regardless, and they love me. I firmly believe that’s what matters most.”

Jay had liked that. Maybe he could be comfortable with that, but his eyes drooped from fatigue before he could stew over it any more.

When he finally awoke, he and Cole had shifted considerably. Everyone else was gone- the movie probably long over- but Cole was nearly on top of him, curled into his side, his face relaxed and soft from sleep. His hair is brushed over onto his face in soft waves, his eyelashes fluttering, mouth slightly open.

Surely Jay must be half-asleep, because he feels the urge to continue dozing like that, his arms wrapped around Cole and at ease in his comfortable presence. But there’s something else, too: a warning. His mind was screaming at him, telling him that this was too close, that friends don’t touch like this. Sure, he and Cole had always displayed their friendship in more physically intimate ways, but this was too far…

He pried himself out of Cole’s arms, stumbling off the couch.

“Jay…?”

Cole had sat up from his position, eyes weary and dreamy. Jay just smiled, ignoring the flushing panic and embarrassment- oh, god- burning bright. “It’s late,” he said. “Go to your room and sleep.”

He did. And Jay somehow managed to make it back to his room, too, despite nearly falling over into Cole’s arms multiple times from the sheer self-humiliation of it all.

---

It went like this: Jay spent half of the next day lying to himself, that no, he did not want to be in a relationship with his best friend who happens to be a guy, and then the later half realizing that he had been lying to himself for much, much longer than a day.

He and Cole weren’t just friends. They weren’t acquaintances, but for some reason, it felt like they were strangers all over again. If they were taken back to the very first day they met- brand new faces, a fresh start- would things have gone differently now that Jay...knew?

He didn’t want to really be lovesick strangers. He wanted something forever. The most terrifying part- besides maybe Nya being right- was that his entire being was yearning for a relationship with Cole.

His mind was racing all through dinner that night, meaning he had nothing to say. It had been an easy day, no missions, just lazing around, and Jay hated it, because he needed something to preoccupy himself with. Nya spared him a few loving glances with a glint of mischievousness in her eye, but otherwise, no one seemed to notice his unusual silence.

After dinner, Jay busied himself; he didn’t think a single thing when he saw Nya tell Cole something, and then when Cole precariously disappeared out of the monastery, and after dinner was over, he volunteered to clean the kitchen. Zane had thanked him, and Jay was alone to wipe down the counters and do the dishes.

Methodical and logical- cleaning was a matter of the brain, not the heart, and thank the FSM for it. The blue ninja’s heart was growing tired. He cleaned until the kitchen was spotless, then retreated to his bedroom.

It was too cramped. Everywhere reminded him of Cole, of Nya; the picture on his nightstand, the one on his desk, where he could see his hand wrapped loosely around Cole’s pinky finger. He needed out, and he needed out fast, and he just needed a place to collect his thoughts and get some fresh air.

It was at least midnight by now, but Nya was in the living room, so he told her where he was going to make sure no one worried (a habit formed due to the unnaturally large number of times one of them has been kidnapped, or worse.)

“I’m going for a walk,” he mentioned in passing.

“Really?” she didn’t sound surprised. “It’s late.”

Jay fidgeted. “Yeah, I’m sure. Plus it’s a nice night out. I’ll be fine.”

“Okay.”

He walked out of the monastery and into the courtyard, relishing in the initial breeze that hit him. He would walk down the mountain and back up and be fine.

But a walk turned into a jog, and soon into a sprint. He wondered briefly why he thought he could run away from this realization, leaving it all behind in his bedroom at the monastery. And at least, for a few moments, it succeeded; the burning sensation in his chest and side stitches gnawing at his muscles made him completely forget about the whole situation. But soon, he asked himself why he was running down the monastery’s mountain, and the whole thing came back to Jay, and he audibly groaned.

He wished things could return to normal. He wished he could be normal. But for now, he was only concerned about placing one leg in front of the other as fast as he could despite the strong protest of his lungs.

He quickly tired out, doubling over to place his hands on his knees as soon as he reached the bottom of the mountain. The warm midsummer night breeze offered little reprieve from neither his anxiety nor his feelings for Cole.

“Jay?”

Speak of the devil.

It must have been an odd sight, Jay thought, to see him there, just after 12 at night, heaving and sweating to no end.

Jay sucked in a breath. “What are you doing here?”

“What am I doing here…” Cole trailed off, before glaring at Jay. “What are you doing here?”

Jay couldn’t meet his eyes. His heart was beating out of his chest, and no, it wasn’t from his impromptu run down a mountain. The FSM must have been playing some sick joke on him, because not only was he facing a life-altering realization tonight, now he had to face said person who had been the catalyst for this life-altering realization.

What the fuck.

Cole’s face shifted from that of possibly some unreadable shock to concern. “I was watching the stars, but I take it that was not what you were doing,” he sighed, taking one step closer to him. “Jay, what are you doing here,” he repeated slowly.

The prospect of explaining the entire thing to Cole seemed silly. Maybe because Cole should already know, or maybe because he had been in denial for nearly five years of his feelings and oh god the anticipation and anxiety were overwhelming. And so Jay opened his mouth to say something to Cole that might satisfy his queries, but all that came out was a choked sob.

The tears began and didn’t stop, not when Cole reached out a strong and steady arm and whispered reassurances like “hey, it’s okay,” and “shh, there.” The tears didn’t stop when Cole said “let’s get you inside,” and swooped Jay up in his arms and carried him all the way up the monastery’s steps up the mountain.

Jay cried harder at the prospect that this might be the last time he’s ever in Cole’s arms like this, bridal style.

And finally, Cole made it inside, shirt stained from tears that weren’t his and dotted with sweat from Jay’s temple. He took Jay to his bedroom and laid him down on his bed, before covering him up and sitting on the foot of his bed, as far away from arm’s reach as possible.

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asked.

Jay sniffed pathetically, sitting up from where the earth ninja had tucked him in.

This time, Jay instigated the closeness.

He slid his hand towards Cole, close but not touching. The other ninja held out his arms, and for the first time in a week, Jay quickly consented to falling into his embrace. It was a warm hug, with Cole’s strong, sturdy arms around Jay’s shaking frame.

Jay spoke, voice just above a whisper. “I think I might be gay. Or something. I dunno. Men.” Cole hugged him tighter, and the embrace grew more sincere.

Cole was about to say something, but Jay shushed him, as he had become aware enough to realize that a.) this might be far too intimate and b.) he just made Cole carry him, crying, all the way from the base of the mountain to the top.

“I’m sorry,” he said, and he was overcome with some relief that had been just out of grasp for the last five years. He pulled away from Cole and wiped his eyes. “I’m not sure why I’m crying.”

“That’s okay,” Cole smiled. “I don’t mind.”

“No, I’m serious,” Jay said. The pair remained quiet, eyes downcast, some unspoken feelings of tension hanging in the air. “ I came to terms with my sexuality and then I- I just ran all the way down the monastery mountain like a lunatic and I probably really smelly and gross and you still hugged me and carried me. I’m sorry.”

Cole gave a soft smile and a small, gentle laugh that made Jay’s stomach flip, but he could almost sense the upcoming conversation:

Hey, Jay, how’d you realize you might be queer?

Oh, nothing, besides the fact that I often pictured your face on Nya’s when I kissed her (once) and that you sitting right here in front of me makes it pretty easy!

Jay nearly squeaked- yeah, no thanks. He’d rather not do that tonight. Instead, he laid back down on Cole’s bed.

“We don’t have to ever talk about it, if you don’t want to. But I do want you to know that this won’t change anything between us, okay? Like- I won’t stop being your friend…”

Jay felt a twinge of guilt, so he closed his eyes, perhaps pretending to be overcome with sleepiness.

“...and I’ll still love and support you unconditionally. As a partner and friend. Nothing will change because you’re gay, I promise.”

The lightning ninja isn’t sure what spunk possessed him in that moment, but when he found himself saying “what if I want things to change?” before his mind could think clearly, he nearly punched himself square in the jaw for his sheer audacity.

Cole blinked from the foot of the bed. “What?”

Jay composed himself, staring at the ceiling, and decided it was now or never to confess his feelings. “What I guess I mean is that I’d be okay with a change. Maybe not for the worst. Because I like you, Cole. Like- like like you. And you’ve always been touchy with me, and now I want those touches and hand holdings and long hugs to mean something.”

At first he was afraid he had upset Cole, because the black ninja didn’t say anything for what seemed like an eternity. But then, in a swift and fluid movement, he was lying in his bed beside Jay and spooning him.

“This means something,” he said. “And really, for me at least, it always has.”

Jay cuddled into Cole. This was nice. And now that he was comfortable, it was even better. No more suppressed feelings, no more denial. He could admire Cole for who he truly was- yes, a good training partner, with nice wavy black hair and dark skin that looks like amber in the afternoon light and biceps and abs that could rival a god, but also as a crush. A support. A partner...not only for training.

Jay was nearly asleep in Cole’s arms when he whispered, “can I kiss you?”

The earth ninja looked at Jay. “I’ve been waiting for you to since the day I met you,” he said, and their lips met with enthusiastic and warm vitality. Cole’s lips were soft, a stark contrast to his muscular body, and Jay wondered why he didn’t do this sooner.

“By the way,” Jay whispered, “I always hated the feeling of the nunchuck belt. I just let you put it on me because I liked the way your hands felt around my waist.”

“And you just now realized you’re gay?”

---

Nya peeked into the room and, admittedly, felt a little relieved when she saw Jay in Cole’s arms, both sound asleep.

She was so glad she had told Cole to go stargazing that night.

[narukoibito]

St. Mungos, since feeling is first who pays attention and Muggle FWB for the WIP Game?

Thank you for the interest, Anon! This took a while because things in my personal life are in chaos, but thank you for the request.

St. Mungos

This is my Healer!Ginny story that has been lurking in the back of my brain since last year. I’ve written a good amount of words, but then an entirely different plot appeared and now I may have to rewrite most of it, hence it’s lack of progress. But I still really want to finish this one day.

Ginny is a Healer on the 4th floor of St. Mungos. Her first patient is someone named Harry Evans. (This is a Harry never to Hogwarts story.)

The first thing Ginny notices is his eyes. They’re the most vivid, bright green that she’s ever seen. It’s unnerving how unseeing they are. A pressure builds up in her chest, an aching pain and nostalgia she can’t place.

The morning light from the window washes over his face, dancing off these round wire-rimmed glasses. His dark hair (black like a blackboard) appears to be on some ineffable scale of entropy — tousled and pointed in every which way, yet somehow it’s charming and works well with his sharp, unconventional features. Some of that hair spills over a bandage wrapped around his forehead. 

But it’s also the pleasant, vacancy in those eyes that strikes her, like she’s looking at the embers of a once bright flame. He looks like an innocent, half-lost child, his lips curled in a ghost of a smile.

Her clipboard and supervisor tell her his name is Harry Evans. The name creates an itch at the back of her head, something she wants to scratch at, but the odd sense of nostalgia must be misplaced significance. He’s her first real patient. 

He must matter to someone important to have his own room on the fourth floor of St. Mungo’s Ward 49. Usually they lumped all the long-term spell damaged patients in one place, let them wander under the supervision of one Healer. But this room is spacious and private, protected by complicated wards and concealing charms. Someone really cares about Harry Evans, and for some reason it causes a subtle burning behind her eyes. Maybe it’s because he looks like a newborn fawn. 

Who wouldn’t want to protect him?

“You’re new, but he’s not difficult. It’s mostly maintenance,” her supervisor says. “He makes it easy, don’t you, Harry?”

Harry’s gaze drifts toward the window.

Ginny scans his file. It’s actually surprisingly thick, but a lot of it has been redacted. The summary page sums it up though: he’s twenty-one; he has been here for three years; the diagnosis is vague (severe curse damage); there’s a long slew of attempted cures, none of which were successful obviously; now it’s about making sure he’s comfortable whatever that means.

“All right, let me know if run into any trouble.” Her supervisor is already starting for the door.

“Um — what about — I know his treatment is maintenance, but can I…?” Ginny’s not sure what she’s trying to say exactly. Harry Evans has seen a lot of Healers if the list of attempted cures is any indication, but she gave up Quidditch to become a Healer in the long-term spell damage ward specifically because she wanted to do something.

Her supervisor gives her a rueful smile. 

“Stick to maintenance. Harry Evans is a special case.”

Ginny turns back to Harry, who is facing her again, looking painfully innocent.

Somehow she doesn’t need convincing that he’s special.

since feeling is first who pays attention

This was a gift for the Harry/Ginny Discord Incognito Elf exchange. I managed to finish in time to gift it, but I want to take some additional time to rework it before posting. It is missed moments over the years as Ginny and her feelings for Harry evolve.

Ginny presses her face against the wall, peeking between the stair spindles. Her bright brown eye lands on the two boys hunched over a chessboard. Her brother Ron and Harry Potter, who, despite appearing to be losing, doesn’t look the least upset.

Harry Potter. 

The Harry Potter is in her house. Looking comfortable on their couch despite the faded, mended cushions. His face crinkles in laughter at something Ron says, his green eyes bright with contentment. Ginny doesn’t miss the occasional look of awe at the things she’s always taken for granted. It’s almost as if he can’t believe he is really here.

He isn’t what she expected – isn’t what she imagined he would look like after all those years listening to Mum recite her favorite bedside story, about the heroic Savior of the Wizarding World. She had pictured neat hair, a dashing smile, someone who would recognize a comrade in her and take her on all sorts of adventures. He would be different, he wouldn’t discount her dreams of flying and doing everything her brothers could and more.

Instead, Harry Potter has the messiest hair ever, a sheepish smile, and clothes that he nearly swims in. Oh, and he has somehow missed the memo and found the comrade in her brother Ron instead. 

Her fingers curl around the spindle. Not for the first time, a spike of envy shoots through her. If only she were a little older or a boy. Then maybe she would be the one playing chess with Harry. Maybe she would be the one to hide under his invisibility cloak and battle trolls and face You-Know-Who with him.

Ginny presses her face a little closer and lets out a sigh.

But Harry Potter is kind. He ignores all the times she has made a fool of herself. And he has the greenest eyes she’s ever seen. They are as green as those glowing jars of pickled toads at the Potion ingredients store Mum had taken her to. Pretty and kind and not dismissive of her patched clothes or her glowing red face.

Harry Potter. If he likes Ron, if he looks like he actually likes the Burrow, if his face grimaces at the attention at Flourish and Blotts, could it be possible that one day he could like her too?

Muggle FWB

Hah, so this was the first idea that I rambled off to my beta, which ended up with long, long emails back and forth on this idea that I never wrote! Here’s a snippet of that exchange:

Harry thinks he only see Ginny as a little sister, so when she suddenly proposes that they become friends with benefits in uni, he’s floored and says they’re practically family. Blinded by her anger over the rejection, she kisses him so that he knows what he’ll be missing. Of course, he then realizes his attraction to her. As their physical relationship progresses, they develop feeeeeeelings (gasp!). But Ginny thinks she only wants a physical relationship and once they have sex, it'll get out of her system. Harry has to work to convince her that she actually wants more.

But the backdrop is that Ginny doesn't think she wants more than sex is that when she was 11, she was kidnapped by Tom Riddle for as a kid (they met at the park a lot, and none of her brothers/Harry/anyone realized he'd been "befriending" her). Kid Harry figures out where Riddle took her and saves her.

Ginny wasn’t molested but she/Harry/everyone else is deeply affected by this event even though they don't realize it. Ginny thinks she's overcome it, and she's still a BAMF some the books but she's not fully over it as shown by her fear of being emotionally involved with Harry. It's why Harry refuses for a long time to think of her anything else outside of a brotherly way. 

Ginny has a really bad sexual experience (though it doesn't go all the way), and as a result she's disgusted by men (not scared), but doesn't feel any revulsion with Harry. After not being able to get close to any boy for a long time, she decides to proposition Harry. Harry, being noble, absolutely refuses at first, but she kisses him, he's very attracted to her, and is convinced by her that he's helping her get over this tick. So it's FWB but it fits their personalities, and still stays true to the Ginny is subconsciously afraid of a real relationship/intimacy with Harry, who realizes he wants more but doesn't know if just getting to be physical is more than he'll ever deserve and he wants what he can get if not real love from her - until, of course, he realizes he can't do it anymore and she has to decide if she's brave enough to actually let herself feel.

HAHA omg I’m reading over my emails and I talk about getting into The Changeling and only sleeping 4/5 hrs a night and then the exchange ends with my coming up with my alternate dimension idea of Harry getting thrown into the BWL!Neville universe. So you guys can see why this story never went anywhere despite several thousands words between me and my beta.

–

Whew, long post. Hope that satisfied your curiosity! 

I’m honestly not sure there are any left, but let me know if you have any other wip asks! Though note that I will be rather absent in the near-future because of life.

[etoileholland]

Last First Kiss

Pairing: Tom x female reader

Warnings: a hint of body insecurity, primarily fluff

Word count: 2.2k

“Have you ever kissed anyone before?” Tom asked in a hushed tone, trying to do his best to not have anyone overhear your conversation.

You were at his house while the boys were having a summer party in the backyard with all of Tom’s family. It was a monthly summer tradition at the household, and since you were his neighbour turned friend, you were often invited. You and Tom were sitting at the kitchen island, drinking and watching everyone from the French doors that went out onto the backyard patio.

You think back to when you had moved to London a year ago, and Tom and the boys helped you move in to your house. They quickly became your friends; and loved the fact that you were from America.

Breaking yourself away from your thoughts, you looked back at Tom, hesitant to answer his question.

You just nodded your head no, not meeting Tom’s gaze as he looked over at you.

“Have you ever had a relationship before or anything?” He asked, while you nodded your head no again.

“I’ve never been in a relationship at all. I’ve never had my hand held, have never been kissed, or anything like that.” you stated, embarrassed by how ridiculous it was that you were twenty two and have never done anything with a guy. You started to get up from your seat, but Tom reached out for the hem of your shirt and pulled on it, prompting you to sit back down.

“Hey don’t be embarrassed by that at all. Honestly, it’s sweet that you haven’t had any of that. You haven’t had your heart broken yet by some jerk, and you don’t have a regrettable first kiss story. There’s no right age as to when any of that should happen to you, so you shouldn’t be shameful of it.” he said as he looked at you with a sympathetic look, before continuing.

“Maybe the right person hasn’t come around yet, or maybe there’s an underlying reason as to why you didn’t want those things to happen.”

You look up at him, pausing before saying “I think I’m afraid of physical intimacy, you know? People used to make fun of my body and because of that I don’t really like people touching me. They made fun of my weight, and of how awkward I looked when I was young, so now I guess it’s just me being self conscious. And besides, it seems slightly gross to kiss someone, well at least the thought of it does. What if the guy hardly brushes his teeth or just ate something really gross, or worse, uses too much tongue too early-” you gagged, causing Tom and you to break out into a fit of laughter. “But also, I guess I haven’t had the opportunity yet either. No guy has ever looked at me and went ‘wow, I want to be with her’. I guess I’m not that noticeable or anything, and it hurts. All of my friends have been in relationships, and some of my friends are even married by now, Tom. Married! And I haven’t even had my first kiss.” by now you were just rambling, but Tom was still paying attention to every word you’ve said.

“Sorry if that was a lot to unpack, I shouldn’t have unloaded that onto you.” you said, but Tom only nodded.

“Trust me, it’s okay. I promise you. It’s good that you’re getting it all out and acknowledging it. And trust me, the right guy will not care about that at all. It’s actually cute that you’re so...pure.” He smirked and then winced when you gently slapped him on the arm.

“I mean it though. But I’m don’t believe you when you say no one is interested in you at all. You’re stunning, but you’re also extremely clueless. That I do know for sure. I’ve been places with you and the amount of guys who hit on you is ridiculous, but you just think they’re being nice.” He wanted to say more, but he refrained from doing so, not wanting to make it awkward.

“I think you may have cracked the DaVinci code, congratulations.” you say as you take a long sip from your cup. You didn’t even notice how close Tom was to you, but you realised in that moment that you weren’t physically uncomfortable around him. In fact, you would often scoot closer to him when watching a movie, with you often leaning your head on his shoulder. You liked to play with his hair and massage his shoulders when he was stressed. You liked to be in his space, maybe because he didn’t push you to do anything you didn’t want to. He knew you weren’t physically affectionate, so he would never hug you or anything if you didn’t want it first. But he was also just your friend, so of course you weren’t scared to be around him physically. You trusted him one hundred percent, and knew that he trusted you just as much.

You did like him more than a friend, but you were also happy with him just being your friend. You just liked knowing that Tom was in your life.

Tom, however, was madly in love with you. The moment he saw your car pull up in your driveway for the first time, he was mesmerized by how beautiful and graceful you were. That was why he recruited him and the boys to help you move into your house, because he was dying for an excuse to talk to you. He was happy to know that you had a great personality as well, on top of your beautiful looks, and he’s been in awe ever since.

He was so much in love with you that he respected your boundaries, and because of this, he never pushed anything. It actually was nice for him to know that you cared so much about how your “firsts” would go, that you didn’t rush into anything. If this was any other girl, he would have already pulled her into his lap and began to make out with her. But because he cared so much about you, and because he knew that you trusted him enough with this information, he had to resist the temptation to lean in to kiss you. So instead he didn’t say anything at all, but just let out a little “hm” under his breath as he also took a long drink of his beer.

You two sat in silence for a bit, and you noticed that the room has more tension in it than it did before.

“So um, how did your first kiss go?” You asked him, and he nearly choked on his drink.

“Well I was young and like 12, and I was dared to kiss this girl in my class because I liked her. So I ran up to her and asked if I could kiss her and she said yes, and that was it. It wasn’t that great at all, come to think of it. It was right after lunch and we all had hamburgers...” you gagged as he laughed, remembering just how awkward it really was.

“See you’re lucky, you don’t have an awkward first kiss story like I did...” now he trailed off, not enjoying the awkwardness and the tension between you two.

“So now when you have your first kiss, you’ll probably be more ready and wanting it to happen, and you’ll cherish it instead of cringe at it.” He let out an awkward laugh, and downed the rest of his drink. You sat in silence for a little while longer, until you decided to get up to join everyone else outside.

“Well thank you again for letting me talk to you, Tom. I really appreciate it.” You said as you put your hand on his knee and gently squeezed it before getting up.

Instinctively, he reached for your hand and held it as it was still on his knee, giving it a gentle squeeze. You two were sitting very close to each other now, and you could hear that his breathing was getting a bit faster.

Realizing what he had done, he let go of your hand and wrapped it around the beer bottle, letting out a small “sorry”. He was beating himself up inside, knowing that he may have just blown it by reaching out for your hand. Here you just stated that you were physically uncomfortable around guys, and he had just grabbed for your hand without asking if it was okay.

You, however thought it was cute that he did that, and without realizing you said “You’re the first guy who’s ever held my hand, and it felt nice.” You were blushing and he did too, and shortly after that he said “Can I hold your hand again?” To which you nodded and allowed him to hold it. He stroked the back of your hand with his thumb, and you put your head on his shoulder. He pressed a kiss to the top of your head as you sat there for a few minutes, basking in the comfortable silence.

“Hey, um, I don’t want to be weird, but um, I really do appreciate you. You’ve always been so kind and caring, even from the beginning, and I’ll never forget it.” you said, hoping that you didn’t make it uncomfortable between you two.

“You’re welcome, you deserve someone really good for you. You’re the sweetest, funniest and most caring person I know...and I would hate to see you with someone who doesn’t appreciate you, because you deserve the world.” Now he hoped he didn’t make it awkward.

“Back at you, Tommy” you said as you scooted even closer to him so that your thigh was touching his.

What you two didn’t realize was that everyone outside could see you two sitting together. The boys, and even Tom’s parents had wished that you two would get together, because you two brought out the best in each other. He taught you to be a bit more adventurous and spontaneous, and in turn you taught him to be more patient and emphatic. You two were a good fit, and you both knew that, but you both were afraid of ruining the great friendship you had.

“Tom?” You asked, just barely above a whisper.

“Mmhmm darling, what is it?” He asked, leaning into you a bit more.

“Never mind” you said, not wanting to ask him what you’ve been dying to ask him for a while now. You wanted him to be yours, and right now there was nothing more you wanted than for him to kiss you. Sure, you may not be physically affectionate around others, but right now you just wanted him. You wanted him to kiss you and never let go. You wanted him to hug you from behind and have him constantly hold your hand. You may have been uncomfortable around other guys, but you weren’t around Tom.

However, you didn’t really know how Tom felt about you. You weren’t really sure if he liked you more than a friend. He’s known to be a pretty affectionate person, so it never seemed weird when he would put his head on your shoulder or anything, but you weren’t sure if he liked you the same way you liked him. You just figured you had no chance with him, so you never really pushed it.

Tom felt as though he was extremely obvious with his crush on you, but he didn’t think you liked him that way. His brothers were always teasing him for the way he stared at you like Gatsby stared and longed for Daisy, and for the way that he would drop everything he was doing if you needed help. He wanted nothing more than to be with you, for you made him feel normal, despite his hectic life.

“No love, what is it?” He pressed, dying and hoping that you felt the way that he does.

“I, um, well, oh god. Can I kiss you?” You asked, and Tom just let out a small laugh.

“Oh god I can’t believe I really said that out loud. I didn’t mean to ask and I-” you were cut off by Tom leaning in to kiss you, a gentle kiss that only lasted a few seconds. His lips tasted like beer, but you didn’t mind at all. You both pulled away slightly, while you two gently pressed your foreheads together. You giggled as you realised what had happened, while Tom smiled and began to blush.

“Wow, that was really nice.” was all you could say, amazed at what had just happened.

“Well, was it a good first kiss?” He asked you, as you nodded and let out a little “yeah”.

Tom laughed again as he leaned in once more, this time you two locking lips and deepening the kiss.

All of a sudden, you heard whooping and applause from outside as you two broke away to see the boys pressed up against the glass doors, cheering that you two had finally kissed.

Embarrassed, you pulled away while Tom ran up to the glass and banged on it, letting out an “oi!” before running back over to you and grabbing your waist, and kissing you once more.

----

A/N: I hope you enjoyed! If you have any requests or want to be added to the tag list, please let me know!

Mes petits anges: @starkissedholland​ @scarletxwidow​ @fangirlwithasweettooth​

[tros-for-dinner]

Like, okay, I need to talk about trauma a second

I’m reading The Body Keeps the Score right now - it’s a pretty comprehensive book about PTSD and trauma, and treatment of trauma-related mental illnesses and, like, I just keep thinking about Kylo (Ben)

In one sentence: Kylo is a deeply traumatized man and I can’t stop thinking about it.

As a general rule I don’t care about the ancillary materials, but “absentee parents” and “being left with droid caretakers that tried to kill him” is trauma - he didn’t have someone to comfort him and his usual caretakers weren’t safe. He probably started acting out, as what happens to kids that go through that. He was also deeply empathetic (metaphorically represented by being strong in the Force) so every lie that was told to him, every time someone feared him because of his ancestors, every time someone tried to use him because of his family - those are all wounds, too. Then, maybe because he was acting out, maybe because he was a deeply religious kid, he goes to live the ascetic life with his beloved Uncle Luke.

And I know this is my own headcanon, but knowing what I now know about trauma: he was still suffering the emotional effects of trauma. The fear, the mistrust, the anxiety, the anger - his fellow Force-sensitive students (and Luke) could feel those emotions. In the Jedi tradition, you either shut that shit down or you’re assumed to be on the road to the Dark Side.

Here’s the problem: the fear, the anxiety, the anger triggered by the pain of trauma can’t just be meditated away. It’s fight/flight instinct; it’s literally the oldest, most sub-conscious part of the brain reacting to the memory of pain and trying to prevent future pain. You can’t control it. You can’t reason with it. You either heal it or it controls you.

Luke can feel that his methods aren’t working but he hasn’t been trained in psychology so he has no idea how to fix this problem. Luke is deeply afraid of the Dark Side, and he was taught that emotions - a deeply-rooted function of the brain - are inherently ‘evil’ and cause self-destruction for the Jedi. Luke has a “all or nothing” “either I do it all or I’m a failure” mindset so he starts feeling despair at the bitter taste of failure. One night, out of pure fear, he takes an uninhibited look into his nephew’s mind (notably, without his consent) and sees how bad things could be in the future. For an instant, he honestly considers killing Ben to prevent that future from happening.

Here’s a question: what would you do if you woke up to a trusted, beloved family member pointing a loaded, safety-off shotgun at you, and you could feel without a doubt that they were definitely ready to kill you?

You would feel abject terror. Wounds from trusted loved ones can be the most painful, and this was a wound that eclipsed every other in Ben’s life. He escapes, and then falls into the hands of Snoke.

(I hate how the ancillary materials totally erased Ben’s agency by making Snoke influence his mind even before he was born. Grooming from a young age? That would have been fine. But as it is, it’s a supernatural element that oversimplifies and makes unbelievable a story that could have been more powerful.)

In my mind, Snoke doesn’t even have to be Force-sensitive: his gift is that he can tell what people wants, and he controls those people by promising what they want (and getting his victims just close enough to what they want so they keep coming back for more).

So he sees Ben and sees the perfect mark: someone who believes they’re inherently a bad person (drowning in shame, an instinct that is extremely self-isolating), enraged with pain, who has been indoctrinated into black-and-white thinking by the culture/religion he grew up in.

Snoke promises Ben 1. respect (i.e. a form of connection in which you don’t have to be vulnerable) and 2. power (which appeals to Ben’s helplessness).

All of us wear different “hats” depending on the situation we’re in: at work, we wear Customer Service or Manager hats. At home, we wear Caregiver or Partner or Roommate hats. Walking out to our cars in the dark, or taking the bus in a bad neighborhood, we might swagger with a Don’t Fuck With Me attitude. We hide or reveal parts of our personality depending on the tools we need in the situation.

Ben creates a persona to hide his shame, protect himself from vulnerability, and deaden the part of his conscience that objects to being part of an organization that is hurting people like his family was hurt. This persona is named Kylo Ren, and it uses the mask and robes like a magic spell to summon the gravitas and influence of his ancestor. But most importantly, the mask and robes shield him from the outside world as protection, but also to hide his shame and any emotions that aren’t ‘acceptable’ (’acceptable’ being anger, mostly).

The thing about shame is that it separates us from the people around us, preventing us from making meaningful connections. This is devastating to the human mind, because humans survive in groups (and our brain evolved to seek groups out). Bringing shame out into the light in the presence of someone you trust is usually enough to exorcise it.

Kylo doesn’t have anyone he can trust, and he is drowning in shame. He is totally isolated and knows he’s nothing but a weapon in Snoke’s hand. Snoke cultivates his shame and isolation because it makes Kylo easy to control. But then, totally by happenstance, Kylo meets Rey.

I hear people talk about ‘the power of love’ and I used to think it was total bullshit. I realize now that’s because visual media usually simplifies ‘love’ into ‘physical attraction’. In reality, love contains a spectrum of elements that are essential to a healthy, functioning mind. Specifically: a place you feel safe (a place where you feel trust, where you feel genuine connection, where you feel wanted, where you feel heard and seen and understood). The entire spectrum of intimacy (emotional, physical, and sexual) spans this need for a place to feel safe and known.

So Kylo meets this girl and a couple of things happen. 1. he realizes he isn’t actually alone. There is someone in the whole of the galaxy who might be his equal. 2. Totally inadvertently, Rey exposes his deepest shame (that he can’t live up to the legacy, that he is hurting himself for nothing) and brings it out into the light.

And, like, all of that would be disrupting enough, but then something even more important happens. See, Snoke built the expectation in Kylo’s mind that if Kylo cut away everyone who loved him, Kylo would be stronger, would be more powerful. Kylo gets the opportunity to cut away his father in the most final way - to kill him - and he takes the opportunity.

As soon as he kills Han - the very second after he ignites his saber - he realizes that Snoke was lying. It didn’t make him more powerful, it just makes things worse.

So while he’s reeling from that realization, his mind instinctively reaches out for connection, for people who might understand. I once read a meta that the Force Skype scenes in TLJ are initiated when Rey feels lonely, which I totally 100% buy into, but I’d suggest the connection happens when both of them are feeling lonely or hurt.

As far as I’m concerned, they bridged their own minds - Snoke took credit because he knew that would be devastating to Ben. Ben and Rey experience emotional intimacy and through their connection, they both start to heal a little from their individual traumas.

I went on a bit of a tangent there but here’s what I’m trying to get to: trauma doesn’t just go away. You don’t just flip a switch, forget about the past, and move on with your life. If you don’t heal, then that trauma and the damage to your brain persists. It takes time and an enduring safe place to heal. So I’m sitting here, trying to imagine what that healing could look like in-universe. And I’m just thinking about the fact that Episode 9 could have been about healing. They gave Rey the gift of healing. The moviemakers had a love story all wrapped up in a bow that could have been a metaphor for the healing power of love. They had all these traumatized characters that could have experienced healing. We, the audience, could have experienced the healing power of catharsis.

And in conclusion, I’m just thinking about Adam Driver performing this incredibly relatable character and TLJ’s Reylo and Luke&Rey plotlines being what they are - and just feeling deep gratitude. 

[destihellhound]

We Write Our Own Destiny

Canon-divergent ending to 15x19, ignoring 15x20. Also on AO3 | ff

Tagging @destielintheimpala because she’s my best friend and @ineffable-cas because I remember seeing them asking to be tagged in any fix-it fics.

"I won't be hands on," Jack told them. "Chuck put himself in the story - that was his mistake. But I learned from you and my mother and Castiel that when people have to be their best, they can be. And that's what to believe in. Well... I'm really as close as this," he said, placing a hand over his heart. Then he raised his hand in a stationary, dorky wave. "Goodbye."

"Wait!" Dean said, as Jack turned to walk away. "What about Cas? Chuck pulled Lucifer out of the Empty, you can save Cas!"

Jack raised his hands, palms outwards. "I'm hands-off, Dean."

"But it's Cas," Dean growled, taking a threatening step forwards. "We can't get to him there, and it's not like the Empty is just going to give him back if we ask nicely." When Jack didn't seem at all inclined to change his mind, he tried a different approach. "You owe me."

"Uh, Dean?" Sam said hesitantly. "Maybe not a good idea to piss off the new... Him."

"It's Jack, Sam," Dean said, glancing over his shoulder. "The kid who killed our mother." He turned on Jack. "You said you wanted to make it up to me? This is how you do that!"

"Dean, I—" Jack's eyes glazed over for a second as his attention seemed to be focused elsewhere. "She really does have a soft spot for you Dean," Jack told him before disappearing in a burst of divine light.

Dean stared at the space where Jack had stood, just a moment before. What the hell did that mean? Had Amara persuaded Jack to change his mind, or was he still against interfering?

"Hello, Dean."

Dean froze at the familiar voice, almost afraid to turn around. The last time he'd heard Castiel's voice, it had been Lucifer. He swallowed around the lump that had formed in his throat. What if it was just another trick?

"Hello, Sam."

"Hey, Cas," Sam said warmly, and his brother's voice was enough to have Dean turning.

Cas was smiling at Sam, though still visibly confused as to why he was back on Earth. When he turned to Dean, however, his smile faltered.

Dean wished he could say something, anything, to wipe that insecurity off Castiel's face because the angel was back where he belonged. He was always better with actions than words, however, so he strode up to Cas and wrapped his arms around him, hands clenching in that god-awful trench coat.

"Dean," Castiel began, unsurely.

"Later, Cas," Dean murmured in his ear. "Let's go home."

Dean felt like a great weight had been lifted from him as the angel hugged him back; a weight he hadn't even realised had been dragging him down.

"I'll make burgers. You love burgers."

"Everything tastes like molecules to me."

"Not the point," Dean said, leading them back to the car. "You are a part of this family, Cas - don't ever forget it."

"Hey, Dean?" Sam asked, a sudden thought striking him. "Do you think Adam... Michael was destroyed, but do you think Jack brought Adam back?"

"I hope so," Dean said. "That kid deserves to catch a break. We'll reach out, make sure everyone we know is back, and put out the word that we're looking for him."

"Okay."

As they got nearer the Impala, Dean saw Miracle sitting patiently beside the rear door.

"Oh, hell no..."

"Do you think he's got an owner around here?" Sam asked, looking around.

"We're not keeping the dog, Sam."

"You've changed your tune."

"That was different, okay?" He'd just lost Cas. "It was supposed to just be us, and then there was this little miracle and—"

Miracle barked, as if recognising his name.

Dean sighed. Looked at Sam. Ignored his brother's puppy-dog eyes. Looked at Cas. Took in the angel's hangdog expression.

"Oh, for..." He trailed off in defeat. "I am not feeding him. I am not walking him. And I am not vacuuming the hair out of Baby! That's your job," Dean told Sam. "And if you don't keep her clean, I will shoot you, and then I'll shoot Mir— the dog!" He turned to Miracle. "And you are not riding shotgun!" He got in the car and slammed the door.

"Do you want to ride up front?" Sam asked Cas, failing to hide his amusement at Dean's feigned dislike of their adopted four-legged friend.

The angel responded by getting in the backseat with the dog.

As they began the long drive back to the bunker, Sam texted Eileen. His relief at getting a response was nothing compared to the relief and joy that wiped years off his face when she answered his video call and he saw her face.

His relief echoed the feeling flooding through Dean for getting Cas back, and he glanced at the angel in his rearview mirror.

"I love you," Sam told Eileen, doubling down on his feelings by communicating them through ASL as well.

"I love you, too," she said.

"Get a room, you two," Dean teased them.

Sam called him a jerk as he dug his headphones out.

Dean didn't think Sam had said those three little words to anyone since Jess, and Dean himself had never said them; could never bring himself to say them. He glanced at Cas in the mirror again, chest constricting at the thought of losing Cas again. He'd lost him too many times, and was terrified that he'd lose him again.

Sam arranged for Eileen to meet them at the bunker, but in the end Dean volunteered to take a detour to her house so that Sam could ride home with her. Thankfully he took Miracle, too, and Cas moved into the front passenger seat.

"Is it later, yet?" he asked, once they were back on the road.

Dean swallowed. He had meant later, once they'd eaten and he'd had a chance to figure out what the hell he wanted to say. "I guess it is."

Cas sat there silently, minutes dragging by, until Dean realised the angel was waiting for him to speak. Cas had said everything he'd had to say before the Empty took him, and now it was Dean's turn.

"Look, uh, I've never... Guys aren't something that... If you know me, then you know that..."

"I am a multi-dimensional wavelength of celestial intent," Cas reminded Dean patiently. "It is the vessel that I am possessing that presents as male." He squinted. "I could take a female vessel, if that is something you would—"

"No!" Dean exclaimed quickly.

Cas swallowed. "It's not my vessel," he realised sadly. "It's that my feelings for you are not returned."

"Dude, that's not what I'm—" Dean trailed a hand down his face. "Losing you, it hurts. It hurts as much as losing Sam, only it's different, and I don't know what that means."

"I think," Cas began carefully, "it means that you love me. But you need to decide what kind of love it is that you're feeling. Familial, platonic, romantic..."

"What?"

"Do you love me as family, as a friend, or as a romantic partner? I loved you as a friend, then as family, and I grew to love you romantically - but I don't love you because I have a desire for sexual intimacy with you. As an angel that would be as disappointing as eating - merely experiencing the physical and hormonal sensations without feeling the accompanying pleasure. Though if that was something you desired I would be more than willing to oblige, but I don't see that as being something you would have an interest in. At least, not in this vessel. Yet you are unwilling for me to change vessels."

"It wouldn't be you, then."

"I would still be me, Dean."

"I know, I just mean..."

"You've gotten used to seeing me as Jimmy Novak."

Dean coughed. "Way to make it weird, Cas."

"All I want is to spend your life with you," Cas told him.

"You've always been welcome to do that, Cas. But you leave."

"Or you send me away."

Dean swallowed, knowing that Cas was thinking about his time as a human - when Gadreel, pretending to be Ezekiel, had insisted that Castiel could not be around him. "I'm sorry," Dean apologised. He'd apologised before, and would keep apologising. "You needed me, and I should have been there for you."

"You made the choice you did out of your love for Sam," Cas acknowledged. "And that love is one of the many reasons that I love you. I would settle for living your life with you as your friend, as family, if that was all you desired. But I hope for you to desire more."

Dean frowned. "I thought you said you didn't want sex?"

Cas stared at him for a long moment. "Commitment, Dean. A promise to spend your life with me, faithfully."

And Dean nearly drove the car off the road as he realised that 'commitment' meant no more one night stands, no more casual flings. He was such an idiot... But the more he mulled over the meaning of Castiel's words, the more he surprised himself to realise that he was okay with the idea. Sure, sex was pleasurable and fun, but without a meaningful, emotional connection to the other person involved it lacked something that always left him feeling physically satisfied but otherwise empty.

"Would you ever have told me how you felt?" he blurted out. "If you hadn't been trying to save me from Billie?"

"I don't think so," Cas admitted.

"Why not?"

Castiel stared out of the window, looking away from Dean. "Because to hear you tell me that my feelings were not returned, or worse, for you to ask me to leave, is something that would hurt too much."

"The Empty's definitely not coming back for you, right?"

"No, Dean. Our deal was fulfilled."

"Then say it again, Cas."

Castiel turned to him, slowly, with hope in his eyes. "I love you," he said quietly.

Dean shot Cas a meaningful look. "I know."

Hurt momentarily crossed Castiel's face, before realisation dawned and he beamed. "I understand that reference."

Dean laughed, and pressed his foot down on the accelerator.

"So, what now?" Sam asked, once they'd all pushed their plates aside, stuffed full on Dean's homemade burgers.

"Everything we've ever done has been because Chuck wanted it that way," Dean said. "From before we were even born, Heaven was manipulating Mom and Dad into a relationship. Hunting has been my life, but I don't want the job title to define me."

"Job title?" Sam echoed, amused.

"Yeah. 'Hunter' - I want to be more than that."

"Such as?"

"A teacher," Dean said. "I was thinking about it on the drive home - the next generation of hunters are growing up fast, and they need help just like Bobby helped us. And you were doing good, running that network of hunters from here. That could be our future - making our own way. Not hunters, or Men of Letters, but combining that into something that is ours. From now on, we write our own destiny."

Sam nodded thoughtfully.

"And I want to retire. At least partially. I want to live a life. I want to live my life. I want to be a brother," he said, looking at Sam. "Maybe even a brother-in-law?" he asked, giving Eileen a look that caused her to blush and Sam to kick him under the table. "And a... partner," he finished, looking at Cas. He wasn't sure what the right word was to describe what he wanted with Cas, but he had time to figure it out.

Sam cleared his throat. "You cooked, Eileen and I will clean up," he said, gesturing at their dirty plates. "Why don't you and Cas go, uh, watch some Netflix. And maybe chill." He chuckled to himself.

"Sure, that sounds like a great idea," Dean said, standing up and dragging Cas out of his chair. He failed to understand what Sam found so funny. "Maybe we can finish Game of Thrones - I hear that show had a terrible ending..."

[dustyard]

Do you have any tips or thoughts on how to differentiate between species that are all very similar behaviourally? I'm stuck between Amur leopards, cougars & bobcats and am having trouble narrowing them down further. Thank you!

Somehow this turned into an infodump on felid social behaviors, so... you're welcome?This may or may not be helpful, but I did get to dig up some of the pdf's I have saved on feline behavior, so tbh I'm having a good evening.

A real quick dislaimer, amur leopards are a critically endangered subspecies, and as such, a lot of our information on them is going to be flawed due to their tiny subject pool, as well as the fact that they live alongside several other subspecies (I believe it's five, currently) that also reside in the same general region and could potentially be contaminating research on them. I'm not saying this to put you off of them as a form to look into, but rather to be realistic in our understanding of them, knowing that the information we currently have could be flawed or incomplete.

Let's begin with their social differences.

Amur leopards: What do we know? When it comes to territory, all three of these big cats overlap territories to some degree. Amur leopards do it the least, with females and males overlapping territory (females moreso), as well as same-sex individuals also overlapping territories (so males overlapping with males, females overlapping with females, as well as opposite-sex overlaps, though males are far less likely to overlap with one another). However, the amount of territory overlap is smaller than with the other two cat species. There is also evidence that amur leopards will overlap territory with leopards they're related to, especially mothers with daughters. Something to keep in mind with leopards is that they tend to be heavily influenced by the prey availabilty and ecological conditions of the habitat they find themselves in; Indian leopards, for example, will live in much closer contact with one another, with greater territory overlap when there is abundant prey, and multiple leopards can feed themselves without conflict. It has been suggested through camera-traps that this characteristic is also true of amur leopards.

How we interpret this? Amur leopards are less prone to socialization than cougars or bobcats. They need more space, and they get more defensive over having their boundaries crossed. However, they are capable of tolerating others and sharing resources to a degree, and they may like having people they've bonded closely with (like family or romantic partners) close by (metaphorically or literally). Still, they tend to keep people at arm's length. I read this as amur leopards being people who can be sentimental and tolerant, but are overall pretty socially awkward, and not very socially tolerant. They aren't good at maintaining relationships, and they prefer people they can vibe with from a distance, be it emotional or physical. They aren't much for close intimacy, and tend to keep even the people they care about at a distance.

However (and this paragraph is my personal guesswork, so feel free to ignore it), it's been documented that leopards will mate with the same partners for years, spending days to weeks together, sharing kills, grooming one another, and just enjoying their company outside of copulation. There have also been documented instances of unrelated leopards sharing kills together (typically adult females with younger males). So, I personally read these cats as being mostly solitary (and usually actively avoiding other leopards), but they can and do form consistent bonds, they just usually need a good reason to actually come together. Their fondness might read as cool and detached to people not-in-the-know, but I think it likely that they still form bonds and have one or two people they care about, even if they aren't big on showing it.

Cougars: what do we know? Cougars often form territories with one male who overlaps with several females, those several females also typically overlapping (kind of like a multiple-circle venn diagram). Individuals still need large amounts of space, and are rigorous about keeping their boundaries. Cougars actually do form relationships outside of mating and family; unrelating cougars (both males and females) will make "friends" with their neighbors. They will share prey, as well as just hang out. These relationships are based heavily on reciprocity, so if cougar A shares a meal with cougar B, extending the friendship olive branch, and cougar B later refuses to share food and be polite, the relationship will likely not survive (males, however, can get away with sharing less with females than vice versa).

How do we interpret this? Cougars are definitely introverts who are defensive about boundaries and need a huge amount of space and independence, but they do like having a few close, mutually-beneficial ties. Cougars are extremely private and often shy, but they will go out of their way for the people that will do the same. However, being fundamentally selfish, cougars don't tolerate being taken advantage of. They can be extremely fickle in their relationships, as if they aren't getting what they want out of a relationship, they can and will drop it entirely. Cougars are also not especially social; outside of their couple of close ties, they do not like or want social interaction. These people will be surprisingly soft and fond of a select few, and have pretty much no time or attention for anyone else.

Bobcats: what do we know? Bobcats tend to overlap territories more than cougars or leopards, but are still quite defensive of their territories. Interestingly, males are surprisingly tolerant of other males overlapping their territories, which is very unusual for felids, while females tend to be less tolerant of other females on their territory. It has been suggested that bobcats don't reproduce until they've established an exclusive territory (male and female alike), and bobcats also tend to be very consistent with their territory ranges, rarely moving or shifting their boundaries. Bobcats have also exhibited polygynous behaviors, suggesting further that bobcats actually form long-term ties with their neighbors/mates. However, outside of breeding (and females raising kittens) bobcats are usually alone.

How do we interpret this? Bobcats are relatively tolerant, conflict-avoidant people who nonetheless need a lot of space and get very defensive when their boundaries are crossed. However, they have a surprising amount of fidelity to their territories and partners, which suggests that bobcats do have some close ties that they cultivate, but they don't need or want constant attention or involvement from the people/person they care about. I read them as being relatively chill people unless you get on their nerves or cross too many boundaries, and are mostly loose-bonding with one or two relationships that they're loyal to long-term, though they may appear to be rather detached to an outside observer.

So how do they all compare? I would say that amur leopards are the more detached and aloof, generally not wanting or needing close ties. Bobcats are more tolerant, socially, but they also tend to be very loose-bonding and disinterested in social interaction, though they may cultivate a special relationship or two. Cougars have a few close ties that they are quite attached to, but outside of these relationships are very asocial. I would say bobcats and amur leopards are actually the most similar. The general vibe difference that I get is that amur leopards are more stoic and cold, while bobcats are more superficially chill and even reasonably friendly (I also tend to think of bobcats as more socially confident with strangers than amur leopards or cougars). Bobcats tend to live in closer proximity to humans than either cougars or amur leopards, and I can say from experience they're pretty wily and unafraid for an animal that is really not that big. They also regularly hunt and kill deer, which are significantly bigger than them, so these guys are not afraid of a challenge. Comparatively, cougars and amur leopards are more shy and are conflict-adverse in a different way, if that makes sense. Bobcats will get into your barn and growl at you like a douche, but they don't like interpersonal conflict. Cougars and amur leopards really try to avoid people, so I would say they're less tolerant of... I want to call it interruptions of their daily life expectations.

My dæmon is actually settled as a cougar, and my two cents on the form is this: we're kind of boring, as people go. I can be pretty rigid and selfish, and unreasonably private, even with the (~3) people I have close ties to. I don't like taking unnecessary risks, and I'm kind of a social wet blanket. I'm also definitely weird about needing relationships to be reciprocal. I have dropped friends, family members, and partners from my life entirely, and immediately, because I felt taken advantage of/wasn't getting what I wanted from the relationship. It's actually like, kind of a problem. I don't really do the whole "selfless love" thing. Some suggestions if you're looking at felid forms and like cougars are also cheetahs and tigers, as they have somewhat similar social bonds despite their extreme introversion.

I don't know you, obviously, so a lot of this is going to do with your own personal introspection. These three forms are very similar, but they give off different vibes, and they do have differences. Are you more outwardly chill and maybe even playful but inwardly private type? Bobcat. Are you generally very aloof and socially awkward, even if you do have a close relationship? Amur leopard. Do you mostly fit the introvert-asocial category except for a few close relationships that tend to be very reciprocal in nature? Cougar. I would think also about they types of prey they hunt (size and difficulty can reflect risk-reward assessment, aka what types of challenges you're willing to take on in your life), more about their relationships with humans, other predators in the same ranges as them, etc. The best advice with super similar forms like these are looking at small details and specifics, as well as how they're recieved. You can also ask people who know you what they think; you'd be surprised by the observations you get.

[ichoriism]

@temporalobjects challenged: ♡ + jinwai and pinklei and samin... kyungcha?? lmao

jinwai

Who is the most affectionate? Jin, no contest. He is the one who puts his hands on Iwai frequently like placing them on his shoulders to get them somewhere, caress his hair, let fingertips tap Iwai’s cheeks now and then. The worst part is that his touching can be subtle and so soft because he’s not aware of the effect he can have on poor Iwai so— that’s their life in the future!

Who initiates the handholding? I was going to say Jin but no, this one goes to Iwai. Because handholding is a subtle display of intimacy, I can see Iwai being a bit shy/trying hard-to-be-casual as fingers skitter Jin’s way so he can hold his hand and it is so precious ;_;

Who worries more for the other? Both worry for each other but display it in different ways. Jin is transparent in his concerns so anything he wonders about he will be upfront with Iwai. Iwai may also ask but will probably try to find out more first—

Who is more likely to ask for help? Jin. He can be stubborn but he makes a point to ask for advice if the first attempt at something doesn’t go the way he wants it.

Who is the one always losing the keys? Jin— he can be a bit oblivious sometimes, specially when busy *sweats*

Who leaves little love notes for the other? Jin. He’s going to be the one to put cute little notes in Iwai’s lunch, coffee cup, you name it. But I think Iwai may write him things now and then too bc sometimes he has a hard time expressing himself publicly—

Who can’t sleep unless the other is there? Iwai. Once they get together, he’s gonna get so used to the warm piece of sunshine that the song "you are my sunshine” will resound in his head along with the part of “please don’t take my sunshine away” for the nights when Jin gets up to get stuff ready around the busy seasons. Iwai will probs get up since he can’t sleep and will make coffee for two uwu

Who is more likely to propose to the other? Jin. Though Iwai could also give us the big surprise if Jin decides to wait a bit to be a hundred percent sure Iwai feels entirely comfortable with him.

Who introduced the other to their family first? This is tricky because they met as children and Iwai’s parents know about Jin but! Not in the way Jin’s brothers know about Iwai so uwu Jin takes this one.

Who is more likely to play with the other’s hair? Jin. He is so affectionate he will constantly serve as a body pillow so Iwai can rest properly and will caress his hair until he falls asleep. All because Jin likes to see how pouty his lips become when he sleeps *heart eyes emoji on a different level my dude*

Who makes sure the other has meals/stays hydrated? Jin. Iwai will probably get a few extra kilos haha— it’s that curvature that develops when you get together with someone who expresses their love not only in the physical way but also with acts of service so— no escaping this!

Who is more likely to stand up to anyone for the other? I think both do after reaching the commitment level. Right now, Iwai doesn’t have a reason to stand up for Jin so he may do it or not, I guess it would depend on how bad the thing would be? But yeah, once committed, it’s a it’s-always-two kind of deal c:

Who is the most likely to prepare a surprise for the other? Jin. He adores surprising Iwai so he'd be in charge of the small or big surprises c:

Who makes the other pinky promise not to do certain things? Jin. It starts as a game of remember when we did this— and it becomes an adorable habit uwu

Who puts a blanket over the other when they fall asleep on the couch? I think both do. In the rare nights Jin is the one who falls asleep first, Iwai does it uwu and when it’s Iwai, Jin makes his way in the couch and cuddles him.

—

pinklei 

Who is the most affectionate? Pinky. I have no idea how she puts up with such a boring, clueless guy! She is the one who has all the humor and sunshine in this relationship tbh Lei is less than a moon– he’d be Pluto probably!

Who initiates the handholding? Pinky. Again, why does she put up with him, he is oblivious to the basics of romance come oooon! 

Who worries more for the other? Lei wins this one finally! He knows Pink is a capable woman and respects her too much to ever think she is dumb, but he also knows that sometimes she forgets important things like having an extra jacket, so he looks out for her in that sense, also providing the food/water, things human bodies need to function. He may be a social klutz but! He at least knows how to take care of Pinky’s health.

Who is more likely to ask for help? Pinky. Lei is too proud and stubborn in spite of his quiet demeanor so he would never admit out loud he needs help with something.  

Who is the one always losing the keys? Pinky. Being so energetic, it’s not that she forgets things but with all her moving around, she probably drops them often so Lei has the spare that becomes the unofficial only set of keys and he’s always accompanying her home.

Who leaves little love notes for the other? I think Pinky does this one. Lei doesn’t use a lot of words so his way to express love is even more scarce in the writing— 

Who can’t sleep unless the other is there? Lei, probably. Once he gets used to having someone around and holding her through the night, he will need that from there on to finally get some sleep.

Who is more likely to propose to the other? Lei. He sees this as his natural obligation? So it'd be him the one to bend the knee and propose. Half the hospital if not all of it will know about it because he’s going to ask how to make a proposal and what girls want from a proposal and yeah!

Who introduced the other to their family first? I’m not sure about this one but Lei may be the one. He hates his family because they represent that traditionalism and classism he despises but because he was brought up there, he can’t shake off these steps of honor and good manners ingrained into his brain.

Who is more likely to play with the other’s hair? I'm divided. Pinky is affectionate and Lei likes things that are soft and smell nice so I can picture him being happy playing with Pinky’s hair so! Both.

Who makes sure the other has meals/stays hydrated? Both do, but Lei may be more proactive about it by bringing fruit and water with him so when they are on their way to Pinky’s home, she has a snack to replenish her energy without messing her appetite for dinner uwu

Who is more likely to stand up to anyone for the other? I think both are but Lei may be a bit slower on reacting than Pinky!

Who is the most likely to prepare a surprise for the other? Pinky— he has no sense of surprise, the only one he’ll give her will be the proposal night xD

Who makes the other pinky promise not to do certain things? Pinkyyyyy. Because she is cute and Lei needs to be explained things like a child sometimes so, it works uwu

Who puts a blanket over the other when they fall asleep on the couch? Lei. During long shifts and all, he makes a point of checking on Pinky so when she is resting, he will always put a soft blanket over her before leaving quietly c:

—

kyungcha xD

Who is the most affectionate? Sacha, Kyungmin doesn’t stand a chance XD

Who initiates the handholding? I think it would also be Sacha. Kyungmin is too self-conscious to battle past that and be upfront about his affections physically. Inside the room, he’s passionate and stuff but outside from their nest? Yeah, not so much of an affectionate sweet thing ^^: 

Who worries more for the other? Kyungmin does. It’s not that Sacha doesn’t worry it’s more that Kyungmin is constantly worrying so that’s why!

Who is more likely to ask for help? Sacha, because Kyungmin is a dumbass too stubborn to admit when he needs help. Unless it’s about something manual-related like fixing things at home xD

Who is the one always losing the keys? Sacha probably, Kyungmin may be annoyed about this quite a lot so he keeps an eye on where Sacha placed his keys to remind him about it until he learns his habits and is all like, keys? yeah, behind your jacket. 

Who leaves little love notes for the other? I think Sacha would be the one but occasionally, Kyungmin will slip a few notes like “Fighting!” in his lunch box and stuff c:

Who can’t sleep unless the other is there? Kyungmin probably complains that Sacha is too big and warm but he really loves that, the hypocrite xD

Who is more likely to propose to the other? I think it'd be Sacha. Kyungmin is too afraid of disrupting something that’s already good even when he wants more so he wouldn’t want to push it. *like I said, dumbass*

Who introduced the other to their family first? Kyungmin did and it’s a total accident. Probably the whole family accompanied him to the orphanage when they realized he looked like he was in love xD

Who is more likely to play with the other’s hair? Kyungmin would do and not notice he's doing it until it’s too late. It becomes a habit uwu

Who makes sure the other has meals/stays hydrated? Kyungmin. He has the service-kind-of-love, so he makes sure to get Sacha good meals and there’s always either nice tea waiting for him on rainy days or fresh water in the fridge.

Who is more likely to stand up to anyone for the other? Kyungmin would be quick to snap and defend Sacha but Sacha wouldn’t be too far behind if it’s a reverse situation, he just wouldn’t be vicious and violent like Kyungmin—

Who is the most likely to prepare a surprise for the other? I think Sacha would be the one after he notices that Kyungmin likes that kind of thing c:

Who makes the other pinky promise not to do certain things? Sacha because he is a total sweetheart and Kyungmin can bitch all he wants about how this is ridiculous but he will take these promises to heart!

Who puts a blanket over the other when they fall asleep on the couch? Kyungmin. Again, little acts of service c:

[paintmelikeoneofyourfrenchpoodle]

((Alright, so this is probably way overdo.

Why the heck Jade gets so weird about sex sometimes:

Alright, so this is going to be a little ridiculously long, but if you want to know? I’m putting it under the cut. Also, TW: there is a brief mention of abuse. Not of her, but its relevant. I’ll also put another warning when that part is about to come up. 

Okay so, I’m going to start of with some context. So for anyone who might not know, this Jade is pretty old. I started rping her as her back in… I think late December of 2015 or early January of 2016? Either way, it was a few months before Homestuck actually ended. At this point obviously we had no idea how it was going to end, or what was going to happen to the characters at that point. Heck, if I remember correctly GIGAPAUSE, or whatever it was called, was still going on.

Anyway, didn’t know they were going basically jump start civilization and jump into the future, that’s for sure. So, not knowing how things were going to turn out for Jadey girl here, I basically made some educated guesses based on what we knew at the time, and mixed in my own ideas and head-canons to create the timeline this Jade now exists in. This included the loss of the meteor lab, building a new civilization from the ground up (and actually sticking around to help build it), and having everyone live in a fairly small, tight knit community. Mind you, some minor things have changed to reflect the retcon John did, but mostly I’ve kept things fairly the same.

So what does this mean for Jade or have anything to do with her sexuality? We’ll get to that, but I’m going to prelude things by saying it isn’t just sex she gets worked up about. It’s relationships and intimacy in general, and there isn’t really one set reason why. There is a gosh darn list.

1) She doesn’t have the best social skills. Growing up on an island with the only human contact being through the internet isn’t exactly the best way to nurture healthy emotional development. To top it all off, she spent those 3 years on the ship basically alone thinking she killed John and Davesprite. She isn’t a complete social ignoramus obviously, but she has her awkward moments and she KNOWS it. Which, can give her some major social anxiety in general. And as far as relationships, even friendships go, she is constantly worried she is going to screw things up. She also just wasn’t used to people in general for a good while. 

Mind you, it’s almost been 10 years since the end of the game now from her perspective so she has improved drastically, but there are still some hangups that she has. For example, she doesn’t handle crowds well considering she was so used to being alone. Can Town is full mostly people she is familiar with and the population is only 1,000ish, so she is mostly in her comfort zone still even during busier occasions. However, notice Jake and her chose to move outside of town when they got the chance? There you go. 

2) She isn’t used to physical touch. Which… is really sad considering how much she actually loves it. Again, this is something that has improved over the years, but she still doesn’t like being messed with by people she doesn’t know.

3) She honestly thinks that in the end she will end up alone. Jade, hasn’t exactly had the best luck with romance. Remember, her timeline is fairly small, and pretty much everyone she might be compatible with already paired up with someone else. To top it off, she had (and still kind of has) a massive crush on her timeline’s Dave, and built up a lot of false hope that something might eventually happen between the two of them thanks to John telling her about Davesprite and Davepeta kissing her that one time. Yeah, that didn’t happen. He ended up getting with Karkat finally when they were around 22, and while she is happy for them and supports them in any way she can, it kind of broke her heart. 

She also hasn’t had the best luck with people she’s been interested in online/from other timelines either. Usually, by the time she realizes she might be interested in someone they end vanishing, dating someone else, or they actually… end up being kinda awful people she shouldn’t have liked in the first place. (*cough*Venom*cough*) Also, she has a habit of dwelling on the whole “space players are destined to be alone” thing from time to time. Over the years she has genuinely started to think that she just isn't cut out for being anyones partner romantic/sexual/otherwise, and that people aren’t ever going to be interested in her for whatever reason. She’s built up this shell around herself, this illusion that she has come to terms with things, so that when that eventuality happens, she’ll maybe not be hurt so badly. So when someone shatters that illusion? She panics and gets flustered, and remember… she is related to these guys:

(Mind you Jake had plenty of reason to act like that, but it was the only one I could find with a quick google search.)

But yeah, I think big reactions kind of runs in her family.

4) She’s inexperienced. Three times as of this point. Yep. Thats it. That’s all she has done. Ever. Don’t get her wrong, she has really enjoyed it and really gets into things once she was able to get over the jitters. Plus, she was the one that asked for it each time. But she doesn’t like not knowing what she is doing, and it wigs her out because she doesn’t want to mess things up. Also fun fact, she’s never been on a non pale date before. Just throwing that in there.

5) The whole being part dog thing. As much as she loves being part canine, she actually can be real self conscious about it at times. Also, she *hates* how people will sometimes look at her as a fetish, and gets worried that if someone is interested in her its because she is a dog girl, and not because of who she is. She does enjoy indulging in her dog side (girl likes being pet), but she wants to make sure someone to see her as herself first and foremost. Being part dog should just be a bonus.

6) She’s a bit of a hopeless romantic. She wants to actually have a connection with people, and honestly is that so wrong? One night stands, flings, or casual whatevers aren’t completely out of the question, but at least give her a chance to be friends with you first geez. 7) She’s scared of being hurt. This is kind of caused by a combination of things up top, but she genuinely is afraid of the idea of being fucked and dumped. She’s got enough emotional issues as is, and does not need that on her conscious as well. Getting intimate with her in any way can take a lot of trust depending on the person. Additionally… 

*Okay, so here is the part I warned about up top.* She has had far too many friends who have been taken advantage of and abused. There have been several people that she has been close to over the years that have been seriously messed up by their partners. Jade’s smart and she knows it, but she also knows she can be really naive about certain things as well. It’s kind of the cherry on top of all her paranoia.

Okay bad part over

So yeah! This is ridiculously long, but there you go. I feel like it is important to note that Jade does really enjoy being with someone intimately and/or sexually given the chance. It just can take some work getting her out of her shell. It’s something she knows she needs to work on, and would like to. However, she hasn’t really ever had many opportunities to.

Also, her behaviors really only apply to herself for the most part. She might get a little embarrassed by other people talking about their own stuff from time to time, but she actually can get a real kick out of it sometimes as well. Has been known to have lengthy conversations with people about their own preferences, sexual interests, habits, ect. She will even tease other people about it! It’s when it gets flipped back on her somehow that she starts getting worked up. Heck, she is normally fine with people getting her flustered because she *knows* a lot of her own behavior is ridiculous, and that when people pick at her it is usually harmless friend banter.  She also usually knows when people are being truly malicious towards her and WILL defend herself. Don’t think she is a pushover just because she looks like she is an easy target. This girl has some bite alongside that bark.

Anyway, there is probably some more I could add to this but again it is stupid long at this point. I hope this isn’t too confusing and explains a few things.

[thequarantinejjbablog]

hi!!!can i get the whole emoji alphabet for fugo please🥺🥺💓i love your work💖💖

Omg my dude, fuck that’s a lot of emojis, alright errrrr here goes. I prefer to warn you though, some of those questions overlap a bit so I might repeat myself a few times. Under the cut because this is LONG and it took me forever and I’m not doing anything like that ever again, ahah.

From this list. (Still accepting)

❤️ Are they romantic?

Y e s . The man is a very classic romantic, that’s how he was raised and that’s how he thinks he should treat his s/o. With time, he will learn to “personalize” a bit more your dates for something he knows you would both enjoy but as long as he is not absolutely sure of your tastes, he will stick to Romanticism 101. He will always make sure to keep some time to share between the two of you, even when his schedule gets really busy.

🧡 How do they confess that they like someone?

You will absolutely see it coming. He will court you and it will be very obvious, so when he finally confirms his feelings with his words, well, that’s all it is, a confirmation, because unless you’re very oblivious, you would already feel very loved or at least cared for before that.

💛 Do they drop hints that they like someone and what are they?

Fugo is not subtle at all. Remember that scene where he tells Bruno he wanted to offer pasta to Narancia? He didn’t learn any better even since then. He is going to go from acting like a friend and spending time with you to just straight up ask you on a very romantic date. There won’t be any mistaking his intentions, he is going to court you.

💚 What’s their type?

Fugo enjoys long and interesting conversations, so he is naturally attracted to people who can hold their own in a debate and are open-minded, so it might be a bit hard for someone a bit shy to catch his attention. However, he needs someone patient with him and his outbursts, someone who won’t be afraid to call him out on his bullshit but is cool-headed enough to not let anything escalate. Other than that, I think he would really appreciate someone romantic and caring.

💙 What is their perfect date?

He wants to talk to you, have deep conversations and get to know you better, so any romantic places he can do that is good. He enjoys taking you to the best restaurants in Naples, before finishing the date home, snuggling and probably making out. Expect to be spoiled though, he often tries to find some kind of small present to give you.

💜 What’s their favorite kind of gift?

Fugo loves books, and in general anything that can stimulate his brain. In general, anything that proved that you were paying attention to what he was saying and that you’re listening to him? He loves it. But in general, any gift you could give him means you thought of him and he will love it.

🎁 What gift would they get their s/o?

The classics at first, anything that he knows he is going to have a greater chance to please anyone. For example, for flowers he will go for roses at first, and then change when he learns you have another favorite. He loves the idea of offering you jewelry too if he sees you’re wearing some or if he finds something that would fit nicely some clothes you have. He always hopes to see you wearing them, it’s like a physical proof you accepted his love.

🖤 Do they enjoy loving or being loved?

He is... not used to it. Love is very new to him in general. His parents were far from loving or caring, and after that the only form of family he has ever had was Bruno’s gang so it’s not the same. Being in love is confused and scary, but he will see that he loves that really much. Being loved is another new thing and even if it might take some time before being completely comfortable with it, he is enjoying it very much too.

💔 How do you break their heart?

This one is easy, by losing patience with him. Not just snapping at him, but also by being tired of waiting for him to heal and to get over whatever issues he has. It breaks his heart because he knows that deep down, he can’t blame you, he is asking a lot from you and you’re in your right to be tired of it. If he is the one who snaps at you then by all means fight back and don’t let him treat you badly, but he needs people to forgive him for his outbursts after, when he apologizes.

❣️ What makes them blush/gets their heart pounding?

Answered here already, but some extra.

He is quite good at managing his emotions - with the very clear exception of his anger so you’ll need to step up your game a little bit if you want to make him blush. Squeeze his ass discreetly in public, or whisper something naughty in his ear or what you’re wearing under your clothes, that should get him but except repercussions once you’re alone.

💕 Their future goals in a relationship? How far do they want to take it?

The strawberry boy isn’t interested in one-night stand or any temporary relationship. He takes too much time to fall in love, so when he does, that means he is genuinely considering spending his life with that person. If your relationship survives the first stages (which will be the hardest with Fugo), then he is here for the long run and he is going to work very hard to keep that relationship.

💞 How do you win their heart?

By spending time with him, having interesting conversations, and having some patience. Fugo is very smart and he needs that intellectual stimulation in his life, if he has someone he can talk about anything, who gives him a different point of view on topics, and in general by being passionate about something, he will seek their company more and more. His crush will appear later, once he feels comfortable and at ease, and he will realize he wants to get to know them better on a personal level.

💓 How do they act when they realize they’re in love/have a crush?

Quite awkward at first, and a bit... stiff? Fugo had a very classic education, so he won’t know how to be smooth. He might beat about the bush for some time before very bluntly ask his out for a very classic date, like a romantic restaurant or something of the sort. It will probably come out of absolutely nowhere, with no relation at all with the topic you were talking about.

💗 How do they show affection?

Fugo likes very classic romanticism. He will do everything there is in the textbook, so restaurants, flowers, chocolates, jewelry, bringing you to romantic places, that kind of things. He enjoys spoiling you a lot and it’s the easiest for him to show his affection. They very often come with declaration of love, who can be anywhere from very simple or very poetic. He tries to avoid being cheesy but sometimes, it just can’t be helped.

💖 Do they like PDA or are they a private person?

He doesn’t mind PDA, as long as it’s not too much. He will hold your hand, link arms with you, wrap an arm around your waist or your shoulder, give you a couple of chaste kisses on your lips, face or back of the hand. If you’re about to go on your own way and saying goodbye, he might hug you, but that’s as far as he’ll go.

💘 Do they take the time to learn more about their crush by talking/asking or observing?

For Fugo to fall in love, he needs to know them first. So chances are, he will already quite know a lot of things about them before starting to grow a crush, and that will be mostly by talking a lot with them about everything. Are they passionate about something? He wants to know more about it, even just for sheer curiosity. Once the crush is here though, he will start noticing the little things, like their favorite ice cream flavor, the sparks in their eyes when they smile, or the color of their skin in the morning sun.

💝 Are they more likely to fall for someone if they’re friends first?

It’s actually mandatory. Fugo is way too guarded to fall for someone he doesn’t know very well. He doesn’t trust strangers easily and though he won’t be outright aggressive or an asshole about it, he is going to be very mistrustful for some time. Then, friendship will come slowly as they spend more time together, especially if they’re someone interesting and enjoy talking about any kind of topics too!

❌ Are they scared of being in love?

He is scared of being vulnerable. The man has issues with intimacy and he knows he will need someone patient and understanding to accept waiting for him and helping him overcoming all of them. So yes, he is afraid of falling in love, because he knows there are higher risks of them leaving him and breaking his heart than with anyone else. What if they lose patience? What if they decide it’s too much for him? What if he asks too much of them? What if he realizes he will never be able to get over his past? Those are terrifying thoughts.

🔍 Do they ask for advice or just deal with their crush on their own?

It might depends on the situation itself. If it’s simple (you’re friends, everything is alright), then he will deal with it on his own unless someone like Bruno gently starts the conversation about it. In this case, he might open up and confess his confusing feelings to him. However, if the situation is more complicated (you’re in a rival gang, you don’t know he is working for Passione, you’re already in a relationship, etc.) then he might go to Bruno to ask for help.

♒️ Do they end up checking to see if their signs are compatible? Or maybe do they do ‘love-tests’ (enter in your name and see if you’re meant for each other kind of thing)

Absolutely not. Fugo understands that they can be fun, but he is not going to let some stars or papers tell him if you’re meant to be or not. He will bluntly refuse to do any of them if you’re not together yet and will get mad if his teammates tease him about it or do it for him “just to check”. If you’re already together and you insist, he might concede and do a couple to please you, but it’s really because he loves you so much.

🎇 Are the feelings they have like a whirlwind or are they able to keep it under control?

Well, we all know Fugo needs anger management classes, so he is very bad at keeping control over that, especially if your safety or well-being are in line. But! He is very slowly getting better at that, thanks to maturity and the patience and understanding of his gang and s/o. It also means he is very good at controlling his other emotions who are much less violent.

⭐️ Do they believe that soulmates exist?

Not really, no. As much as he is a romantic, he thinks love takes effort and commitment, it’s not as easy as finding a soulmate and hoping it’ll never go away. He might even say that the notion of soulmates can be quite dangerous because people tend to think everything will be alright when they should do something about it.

🌹 Are they likely to say ‘I love you’ first?

He will say I love you when he is ready, regardless of his s/o says it first or not. He is not going to hide his feeling until they say it first, but he is not going to say it back if he feels he is not ready to or if he is still unsure. So, it all depends on the partner! If they’re the kind of people to wait until the other says it first; then Fugo will be the first, but if they’re sure of their feelings before him, then they might say it first.

🌸 How often do they say ‘I love you’?

Very often, surprisingly (or not). Once he said I love you for the first time and his partner said it back, then he has no problem repeating it every time they roll in the sheet, before leaving for work, or whispering it against their lips after a kiss. More than just words though, he does his best to show it through his actions too, with regular dates, gifts, and thoughtful gestures.

💐 Do they enjoy giving compliments or do they like getting them more? What kind of compliments do they give/like?

He clearly prefers giving them, and doesn’t quite know how to react when he is receiving them. The only exception to that is when you praise his intellect or how quickly he can learn something, and then the boy will blush madly and look away, telling you it’s no big deal really. On his s/o, he is going to compliment the hell out of them, how beautiful they are, how smart, how amazing, how soft, anything they might like, he won’t hesitate.

🌺 Do they like to tease their significant other?

Maybe very gently with private jokes you two share, but nothing more. You mispronounced the name of an artist? He is going to use that name now, that kind of things. Though he can be soft, he is more of a serious individual and he would never risk embarrassing you in public so he keeps it behind closed door.

🍀 What’s their love language?

Quality time spent talking about anything you want, and a lot of romantic gifts mostly. The man wants to spoil you and show you he thinks about you every day of his life. He is a little bit more touchy in private, letting his hands linger on the small of your back or your thighs, and he might steal more kisses when he knows you’re alone too.

🌼 How do they view their significant other? Are they the light in their life? Best friend? Savior, etc.?

Considering how Fugo struggles to open up emotionally to other people, his s/o is probably also his best friend. He needs to feel like he can talk to them about anything without fearing to be judged even if he is wrong. His s/o is someone very precious to him, he knows he is not the easiest man to be with and he asked a lot of them in the beginning of their relationship, and he will be forever grateful of that.

🥀 How do they act when falling out of love?

Oh, he is going to fight like hell against it. Fugo didn’t get in a relationship with someone to just give up when, for whatever reason, love starts to disappear. He will try very hard to fall back in love with them, by any mean necessary (more dates, spending more time together, trying something new, going on a holiday, anything). If his s/o is feeling the same then he will try to recover their love, but he needs to feel like his s/o is trying the same too. Even if he stops seeing the stars in his s/o’s eyes, he is willing to wait and keep looking until he sees them again.

🌻 Will they do anything for their s/o? Will the crocodile tears win them over or are they stubborn on not giving in?

Fugo is a reasonable man, and there are many things he will accept to do for his s/o if it can make them happy though he doesn’t see the point. However, if it’s a real point of friction, then he can be quite the stubborn man and refuse to give in. He will feel terrible if he sees his s/o cry and he will try to comfort them and explain his point, but if it doesn’t work, then they both might need some time to cool down and give up the topic for now.

💋 How do they kiss?

Your first kisses are hesitant and nervous. Fugo doesn’t really know what he is going and he is stressing a lot over doing something wrong, but he tries to act confident and might be... a little too aggressive? He will soon learn to calm down and take things slower. After that, his everyday kisses are slow and very tender, with his hand often going to cup your cheek.

👁 What’s their favorite part of their s/o?

Their brain. Fugo is more attracted to their personality and their views on the world rather than their body. However, if he had to choose he would probably go for their ass and their legs. His mind might shortcut for a few second if he sees them wearing heels or stockings or even just nicely fit pants. He is a little bit ashamed of saying it, but he loves how his partner’s ass fits in his hand and when he can give it a very nice squeeze.

👀 Are they protective?

Answered here already, but some extra.

He loves his teammates like they are his family, but he won’t be afraid of starting a fight with them either if he sees they’re being too friendly with you too. They all know it and they think it’s a lot of fun to poke him so they always make sure to spend extra time with you to piss him off and get him all worked up. Though it’s always all in good fun, Bruno had to intervene a couple of time to calm everybody down.

🤧 How far will they go to take care of their sick s/o?

He is a good boyfriend and he will do anything he can, even if he has to learn new skills for it. If he is not confident enough he might ask for help and/or advice if he is out of his depth. If the illness is serious, he will read about it as much as possible and do whatever he can to help. If his s/o is contagious he will try to avoid catching it by washing his hands and being careful why spending time with them because he doesn’t want to be sick at same time or make them take care of him when they feel better.

☠️ How do they react when they find out their s/o is dead?

Absolute and pure rage. The man will go berserk and if there’s no one to stop him, then he might even kill innocent people, both with his Stand and his bare hands. Hell, he might even hurt his s/o’s body trying to shake them awake or clinging to them. Fugo will need to be stopped. Once he wakes up from his blind rage, he will feel so empty. He will cry for the first hours, but he won’t even be able to bring himself to regret what he did, the pain is just too great to be overshadowed by anything else. He will drown in depression and be an empty shell for a long time. He might recover, but he will never be the same, probably getting a very destructive behavior.

🥳 How do they cheer their s/o up when they’re down?

It will depend a lot of the s/o and why they’re feeling down. In general, he will try to take their mind of things, suggesting a couple of activities they could do together to make their brain focus on anything else. If they need to vent or any kind of support he is there to listen to them of course, and if it’s something he can help with or a problem he can solve, he will immediately offer his help.

😱 What makes them worry about their s/o the most?

Fugo is a member of Passione, so their safety is his primary concern. He very well knows they could be in danger at any moment because of him, either to check if they know any information, or to use them as bait or hostage or blackmail against him, or simply as a revenge tool to make him suffer. This is why he is very careful and protective of his s/o. He is also very concerned about their health, especially if his s/o has bad habits (like smocking or drinking or anything of the sort).

🥰 How often do they stare lovingly at their s/o?

A lot. He is not quite happy about it because sometimes he will lose track of the conversation because he is too focused on his s/o lips or face because of how beautiful they are and how much he loves them. He will blush madly when he snaps out of it and he will be very apologetic because he doesn’t want his s/o to think he is not interested in what they’re saying.

😎 How do they impress their s/o?

It all depends on the s/o and their personality, but there are two choices really depending on what works best on them: either very romantic demonstrations of love (a weekend for two in Venice, huge bouquets of flowers, presents like jewelry or chocolate, the best restaurants in Naples, etc.) or just flexing his knowledge and/or his intelligence. Not in a smartass way, but if he sees there’s any topic they’re interested in and he knows about that? He is going to flex it. If the s/o knows more about it though, he will ask a lot of questions. And if it’s a topic you two share, then he will try to start interesting debates to oppose ideas.

😆 How do they make their s/o laugh?

He is not the best at making people laugh because he is quite the serious individual, but he will try to share fun stories he knows about anything, or simply fun facts, like that time a general won a battle against ships by charging them with horses (the water froze during the night, they made a whole strategy around it). Otherwise, I’m afraid he’ll have to suggest watching some comedy on TV.

🏵 Do they enjoy Valentine’s Day?

YES. Favorite holiday. It’s the perfect excuse to go all out for his s/o. Everything they love, they get. Favorite restaurant, favorite flowers, favorite chocolate, candlelight, bath with rose petals, several gifts through the day, passionate night, e v e r y t h i n g . If for whatever reason he can’t spend Valentine’s Day with his s/o, he will never stop bitching about it for weeks.

🎫 How do they celebrate their s/o’s birthday and how would they like theirs to be celebrated with them?

Their s/o’s birthday is their day, and he will do whatever they want to do. If they like birthday parties, he will try to throw a surprise one, if they prefer spending the whole day home he will be happy to do that with them, etc. He probably bought a dozen of presents for them too. About his own birthday, Fugo wouldn’t like anything too extravagant, sharing a cake and some time with his gang first, and then he wants to spend the whole evening (and a good part of the night) with his s/o.

🎀 Are they likely to fall for someone first or is it the other way around?

It’s a complicate question. Fugo needs time before he can feel emotionally safe enough to be vulnerable and fall in love, that means you’re going to spend a lot of time together and probably be friends first. So, you’re going to have plenty of occasions to fall for him first. However! He won’t return your feelings simply because you have them, and he won’t answer to any flirting if he doesn’t feel safe enough. So... I would say he needs to fall in love on his own terms and make the first step, even if you were the one to get a crush first.

💌 Do they send loving/cutesy texts to their s/o?

Answered here already, but some extra.

If he is reading poetry and any passage makes him think of you, he is going to quote it and send it to you in a text, telling you he misses you. If the poem is too long or if he can’t find a small enough quote, he is just going to tell you he found a poem he really likes and he can’t wait until he can whisper it in your ear.

🔪 Do they try to be a good influence on their s/o or do they not care?

Fugo is not the most patient or delicate man, if he sees a behavior he doesn’t like he is going to be very straight forward with it. Even if he is in the mafia, he still has morals and he won’t accept anything fishy coming from his s/o. It’s the same for bad habits like smocking or drinking, he will try to understand where they come from (are you under a lot of stress? is it just for fun? are you pressured into them?) and depending on if he considers them a good “excuse”, he will be more or less patient with you, but he will try to help and get you to stop.

🎉 Are they a fan of nicknames? Do they prefer cutesy, traditional or silly ones?

Answered here already, but some extra.

He will glare at anyone else using nicknames for you. Excuse me, you’re his s/o and he is the only one allowed to call you like that thank you very much. The only exception to that would be your family calling you something cute, but even if they’re your friends and the nicknames is prior your relationship, he will struggle accepting it.