#but I'm really good at getting people presents

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

big question. i'm cis (afab) and my gf is trans (amab) and i'm sorta having a hard time reconciling something. i've been a hard line feminist since i was about 8, by 12 i was a practical library on everything and anything womens lib. i'm spending a lot more time around trans people especially my gf now and i'm sorta struggling to reconcile the trans experience with my feminism. like- i'll see trans women being like "i hate my body :(" "my voice is awful" "i need [x thing to try to pass] ugh" and like my first thought is always "NO! THATS HOW THEY FUCKING GET YOU!!! THE PATRIARCHY WANTS YOU TO HATE YOURSELF SO YOU ENSLAVE YOURSELF TO CAPITALISM AND LIVE IN A CONSTANT STATE OF NEED FOR NEW PRODUCTS TO WARD OFF THE EVER PRESENT SELF HATRED BROUGHT ON YOU BY SOCIETY" and they go "well then how do i pass/transition?" and i honestly don't know and i also don't know how far it goes before its no longer dysphoria but instead the intentional subjugation of women by patriarchy for profit. i wanna help my fellow ladies but i honestly don't know how to like- apply the feminism i was taught as a child to trans women and i want to learn as soon as possible so that i can start doing it like yesterday

hi there,

I'll be honest: if it feels hard to apply the feminism you learned as a kid to your trans friends, that's probably because the feminism you were taught didn't have trans woman in mind.

luckily, the answer to this is something that I consider to be feminism 101: what a woman does with her body is, ultimately, her fucking business.

listen: I agree with you that the beauty industry(TM) is evil. it's misogynistic, it's exploitative, it thrives by making women feel bad enough about themselves to make them spend money on shit they don't need, etc. we all know this.

now, having said that: women who like makeup or wear heels or get laser hair removal or whatever other asinine thing are not my oppressor, nor are they my enemy. dare I say, we have bigger problems.

we also need to consider that many trans women are coming to these choices from a VERY different place than many cis women are. while I think my fellow cis women really benefit from reminders that they're allowed to stop shaving or wearing eyeliner or dieting or whatever, that's because most of us have had those actions forced on us from very young ages and may genuinely need a hand to feel secure breaking out of those behaviors.

the majority of trans women are not coming from a background where they were encouraged to partake in the same personal grooming habits and modes of presentation as cis women; many of them have, in fact, been ostracized, bullied, threatened, and otherwise hurt because of forays into forms of presentation that are considered feminine. no matter how good your intentions may be, approaching your advice indelicately can, unfortunately, make you come across as no different than any transphobe on the street trying to enforce cisnormative societal expectations. it also must be said that, for many trans women, the ability to "pass" is a matter of security - for having their status as women recognized at all, and to avoid harassment and abuse in public spaces. if you live in America, like I do, politicians in power currently have an extremely explicit anti-trans agenda that can make it harrowing to be visible as a trans person, and trans women in particular are frequently targeted for violence.

there are absolutely critiques to be made the way the many trans women are expected to perform hyperfemininity. the notion that someone is duty bound to drastically change their appearance in order to transition at all is itself extremely rooted in cisnormativity, and "passing" is often contingent on being young, thin, able-bodied, reasonably wealthy, and hewing as closely to Eurocentric standards of beauty as possible. that's not awesome! but that's also not the fault of any individual; no trans person asked to be born into a world where gender norms are so narrow and failing to pass can come with a very real risk of physical danger.

also, if I can circle back to this: again, women who participate in aspects of the beauty industry are not our enemies. there are always going to be some number of women who enjoy doing their makeup or like spending time fussing over their little outfits or want breast implants or whatever. some of those women are going to be trans. my official feminist stance on this is that I don't give a shit, because I believe in bodily autonomy even when it involves things I would not do personally and the choices that individual women make about how they want to style their little meat body don't even crack the top 100 things that I'm worried about right now. it's actually kind of vitally important, politically, that trans people be able to safely pursue their preferred gender expression; while it's not particularly revolutionary for a cis woman to go outside all dolled up, whether a trans woman can do that safely is a pretty basic litmus test for how safe a given space is for queer people. it's a ridiculously low bar, and many places will still fail to clear it.

so, yeah, I don't know, dude. be there to talk to your trans girlies if they want to start unpacking some of the pressure they feel to conform to a very rigid idea of womanhood, but whether or not they can walk down the street in your neighborhood safely is a WAY bigger issue than whether they decide to do voice training or not.

if you really want to cut to the root of the insecurity and vulnerability that the beauty industry thrives on exploiting, your time is much better spent working to ensure the trans women in your life feel safe and supported and have a community where they can find support regardless of how they look.

necessary disclaimer I'm a cis girl, any transfemme folks please share your voice here and feel free to clap my ass if I've said something out of line.

[pix-writes]

Ok this is really important because Stan is like Ford in his need for praise/affection but, I do want to give Stan some slack when it comes to Bill! because I think he'd be very wary of bill cipher first and foremost because of how he presents himself to people, there's always something a little off and jaunty in his appearance and behaviour, regardless of what he says and I think Stan is himself enough of a con man and been screwed over in the past by other crooks in the past to know one. Ford passes over a lot of the off putting and unhinged shit bill pulls and makes excuses for it, because he wants what bill's offering, in fact he's blindsided by wanting the knowledge he has to offer and I think Stan would not take long to suspect what bill says is too good to be true! I think bill being the manipulator he is would also need to present himself very differently to Stan in order to ever entice him, and even if he did if Ford was in the picture when it happened he'd quickly catch on that their experiences of bill are different and that's fishy. Stan also has a lot of control and awareness over his mind/dreamscape as we see in S1 ep 19 telling dipper how to help save soos & his sister, bill primarily manipulates people through dreams and so he'd be hard pressed with Stan to get anywhere without the man becoming paranoid - I'm so happy that Alex even confirmed my theory on this recently!

Does that mean that Stan is immune to being manipulated or blindsided by others? Absolutely not. As we can see in Roadside Attraction, a pretty woman complimenting him and seeming to fall for his cheesy lines seems to be extremely easy, in fact! 😄🤭 (sorry stan)

Stan has also been screwed over by others a lot in the past, including in past relationships where tbh he really should've seen it coming. That said Bill cipher is a different kettle of fish altogether and I think the reason he deliberately seemed to never want Ford to reconnect with Stan or to make a deal with Stan himself is for these very reasons, plus he wanted Ford the one who he deems more intelligent and more morally flexible and he was sort of filling the gap that stan had left in Ford's life, in a way, even talking somewhat like him, being familiar to Ford helped to manipulate him better so Stan being in the picture would ruin his chances, I think. Afterwards Bill didn't seem to want to make a deal with Stan because he was obsessed with Ford but also because he didn't see a possibility of it going well so he treated/treats Stan as I unimportant, dumb and insignificant because that's what he does with people he feels he cannot control!

I love the idea that Bill’s manipulation tactics are horribly obvious but Ford is so socially inept that it works on him perfectly

“He was a masterful manipulator.”

No bestie he was just nice to you and you folded like a house of cards

[murdrdocs]

disclaimer: this is a piece of fictional work. although based on real people, the characters—and circumstances—presented are entirely fictional and should be treated as such.

jack decides to take things slow. they're both switches; oral (f receiving); hair pulling; cowgirl MDNI 18+ w/ JACK SCHLOSSBERG

you and jack are versatile.

there are the times where you're both overcome with the need to constantly have your hands on the other, curious fingertips pressing into muscle and reaching under clothing, body heat searching for mutual warmth through layers of clothing. desperate make outs followed by even more desperate grinding.

but then there is the slower intimacy. the kind that comes about at the end of the day when you're both wound down, sunken into the bed with some show playing on the TV across from you.

these times are so slow, agonizing, aching deep in your chest and pressing on your nerves, attempting to trigger them. if you were receiving even just a bit less, maybe you'd really be pissed. but jack has been keeping you stimulated enough.

even though he's playing with his food.

pinching the hem of your tee shirt between his teeth, lifting it up as he starts his slow climb, only to let it fall right beneath your tits. pressing his large hand on your stomach, but not pressing down. letting a big hand just sit there uselessly, fingers spread wide, reaching across your belly. warmth against warmth, adding kindling to an unpredictable fire. it burns, then simmers, then burns higher than it did before.

you've done the same to him before. that's why you're compliant, letting him take his time and explore a body he already knows well. maybe sex therapists would agree that this was a good way to keep interest in the bedroom, adding something new that won't break up the dynamics already created. you don't think that is jack's intention. really, you think he's just having fun.

he kisses below your navel then starts a journey up. you don't get your hopes up. you don't allow yourself to think that this will finally be the time when he'll reach an actual destination and not some freckle or scar marked in your skin.

but he does.

he pushes your shirt the rest of the way up and then wraps his lips around one of your nipples. he sucks and flicks his tongue over the bud, looking up at you, gauging your reaction. it might be minimal, but he knows you well enough to see the glint of satisfaction in your eyes.

you can see and feel him smile around your skin. his hand comes up and gives attention to the other half of you, pinching and tweaking your nipple between bouts of gentle groping. it's such minimal attention, but any attention at all right now is dizzying for you. paired with the sheer amount of devotion he's putting into each press of his mouth and hand, you might lose it before he even gets your panties off of you.

although not completely unappealing, the thought makes you groan. "jack," you whine, even though you initially intended for the syllables to come out more frustrated than wailing.

the laugh he lets out infuriates you. but the string of spit that connects his mouth to your breast when he pulls back excites you.

"i'm getting there," he says, his words reeking of cockiness with an undertone of exasperation, like he's the one being tortured.

he knows what he's doing to you, it would be impossible for him not to, but the fact that he's completely reveling in having the upper hand for once makes you want to take it away from him.

you consider it for a second—twisting your hand into his hair, pushing his head down to your cunt, knowing his instincts will take over and he'll act on impulse. it would be satisfactory, but it wouldn't be fulfilling.

you decide to be good.

still, you do make a half-hearted attempt to push his head down, your fingers stuck in slightly-greasy strands without much commitment behind the grip.

he glares up at you from where his chin rests on the center of your abdomen, his stare challenging, as if he's daring you to continue. you do, for just a split second, but his stern "uh-uh" is all it took for you to change the intention of your grip, now holding onto his hair to anchor yourself instead of encourage him towards what you want most.

but when he finally does make his way down there, he's understanding. he knows you can't help it when your legs lift and your knees draw together. he knows it's your instinct to scratch his scalp and pull at the roots of his hair. with his genes, this would be the only way he could go bald, a product of your pleasure-ridden reactions. he doesn't mind. you think he actually contently whimpers when he comes up for air once.

he's looking up at you, his jaw moving as he works you, his nostrils flaring with controlled breaths. you can see the gears turning in his head as you notify him of your orgasm. you know what he's thinking, it's obvious when he pulls back and licks his lips, replacing one natural shine with the other. but you shake your head, and you beg, and then he's making you cum on his tongue.

and to thank him, you climb onto his lap afterwards, sinking yourself onto his cock and riding him with your tits in his face. but you do have to get back at him for taking so long to give you what you want, so you keep his hands above his head, glued to the mattress with your hands as the adhesive.

[wolvietxt]

𝓭aryl 𝓭ixon…

and quirks he has in a relationship !

pairing : daryl dixon x reader warnings : fluff, slight angst?, a bit of hurt / comfort, some quirks aren’t necessarily good, set in alexandria era but i think i kinda slipped up sometimes wc : 1.5k

ᰔ he’s always checking his weapons. daryl’s obsession with his weapons is no secret. he’s constantly checking his crossbow, knives, or any other tools he’s carrying. even when he's around the house, you’ll find him quietly inspecting them or making sure everything is in place. you’ve lost count of the times he’s done this right in front of you, like when he’s sitting on the couch, half-watching tv, but still fiddling with his knives. when you get frustrated and ask him why he can’t just sit still for a minute, daryl’s response is usually a gruff, "ain’t nothin' wrong with being prepared." he might not fully understand why it's annoying, but when you give him a pointed look, he’ll eventually stop and sit next to you, placing his weapons out of reach to show he’s trying to be present.

ᰔ he takes forever to get ready. daryl's not exactly the type to spend time in front of the mirror, but he’s got a peculiar routine when it comes to preparing for a trip or even just heading out for a short errand. you’d think a guy like him would be quick to throw on some clothes and go, but no - he’ll spend ten minutes checking his gear, making sure his jacket's right, his boots are clean, and that every tool is in place.   when you complain that he takes too long, he’ll just shrug, but if you get antsy or start giving him the silent treatment, he’ll throw his jacket on faster than usual and give you an exaggerated, "see? i'm ready. all set." it’s his way of apologizing, though he never really admits it.

ᰔ he’s a very attentive listener. daryl may not say much, but he listens to everything you say. when you’re talking, he’s paying attention, even if it’s just with a nod or a soft grunt of acknowledgment. when you need him to, he’s there to offer support or just quietly be by your side. you can tell he cares by how seriously he takes everything you say.   when you point out how good he is at listening, he might get a little embarrassed, but there’s no denying that he values your words. "i’m just listenin’," he’ll say, though it’s clear he’s more invested than he lets on.

ᰔ he’s always running late. while daryl doesn’t have a problem being punctual for important things like group meetings or during a crisis, when it comes to hanging out with you or something less urgent, he’s always late. it’s like he gets too caught up in his own world - whether it’s tinkering with his bike or cleaning his weapons - and forgets the time. you’re always the one waiting, tapping your foot impatiently.   when you point out that he’s late again, daryl’s awkward about it. he might grumble something about losing track of time, but if you call him out on it, he’ll try harder next time. when he finally shows up, he might bring you something small, like a coffee or a random flower he found on his way, trying to make it up to you in his quiet way.

ᰔ he’s super stubborn. daryl’s one of the most stubborn people you'll ever meet. once he has his mind set on something, there's no changing it. whether it’s about a decision or how to do something, he refuses to listen to advice, even from you. this makes it hard when you’re just trying to help or offer your thoughts on something.   when you get upset with him for not listening, daryl can get defensive and shut down for a bit, but if he notices you’re genuinely frustrated, he’ll quietly give in. it’s subtle, but he might come around later and admit, "maybe you were right about that," though it takes a lot for him to say those words directly.

ᰔ how he always remembers the small things. daryl doesn’t forget the little things about you - your favorite snacks, the way you like your coffee, or the book you were reading a few weeks ago. it’s not obvious to everyone else, but he picks up on these tiny details and quietly makes sure to remember them.   if you thank him for remembering something, he’ll look away, muttering, "wasn’t hard to remember." but you can see the small glimmer of pride in his eyes when you mention it. it’s just his way of showing he cares without saying it outright.

ᰔ he’s not the best at communication. daryl’s not great at expressing his feelings or talking things through. when something’s bothering him, he bottles it up until it eventually comes out in a gruff comment or an angry outburst. when you try to talk to him about it, he shuts down or deflects, and it leaves you feeling like you’re hitting a wall.   if you get upset by his lack of communication, he might get frustrated with himself, but after a while, he’ll sit down beside you and mutter something vague like, "i’m just not good with words, alright?" and while it’s not a full apology, it’s his way of showing he’s trying, even if it's not perfect.

ᰔ he’s very protective over you. it’s not always obvious, but daryl’s incredibly protective of you in small, subtle ways. whether it’s walking on the side of you closest to the road or keeping his eyes on you when you're around people, he makes sure you’re safe without saying much. his protectiveness is instinctual, and even though he tries not to be overbearing, it’s clear that he cares.   if you point it out, daryl might just grunt and say, "it's just how it is," but if you tease him about it, he’ll give a slight smile, even if it’s hidden behind a gruff exterior.

ᰔ his little, quiet gestures of affection. daryl's not big on grand gestures, but he has his own ways of showing affection. maybe it's putting his hand on your shoulder when you're cooking or a quick, unnoticeable touch to the small of your back when he’s walking beside you. these little actions are his way of staying connected to you, always. even if he’s not always vocal about it.   when you tease him about being more affectionate, he’ll act tough and deny it, but if you catch him staring at you for a moment too long, his cheeks might flush slightly, and he’ll grumble something under his breath like, "ain’t nothin’ wrong with it."

ᰔ his awkwardness around you when he’s nervous. daryl’s a lot more awkward than he lets on, especially when it comes to you. he has this habit of fidgeting with his hands, running them through his hair, or avoiding eye contact when he's nervous or unsure about something. it’s endearing, and you can’t help but smile when you catch him looking away quickly.   if you point out how cute it is that he’s acting all nervous around you, he’ll roll his eyes, but there’s a small part of him that warms up to your teasing. "shut up," he’ll mutter, but he’s secretly grateful you notice his little quirks.

extras:

ᰔ his stubbornness can cause fights. daryl’s stubborn streak is a part of him, but sometimes it gets in the way. like the time you tried to convince him to let someone else take over a chore so he could rest. he brushed you off, muttering something about not needing anyone's help. you let it go at first, but when you pressed him again later, he snapped with a sharp, "just leave it, alright?" the comment cut deeper than he probably meant it to, and you walked away without another word. later that night, you heard him fumbling around outside your door. eventually, he knocked, muttering, “ya awake?” when you opened it, he stood there awkwardly, shifting from foot to foot. "didn’t mean to bark at ya earlier," he said quietly, looking at the floor. "just... don’t like feeling useless." his honesty softened your frustration, and when he finally glanced up, the genuine regret in his eyes made it hard to stay mad.

ᰔ he struggles with communication, and it can leave you upset. daryl’s not great with words, and sometimes his silence feels like a wall between you. like the time you asked him what was wrong after a long, tense day, and all you got was a gruff, "nothin’." you tried to push him gently, but he just shrugged and walked off, leaving you feeling shut out. it wasn’t until much later, when he found you sitting outside alone, that he tried to fix it. he sat down beside you without a word, passing you one of the beers he’d been holding. after a long stretch of silence, he finally muttered, “ain’t good at this kinda thing.” you looked over, and he sighed, running a hand through his hair. “don’t mean i don’t wanna talk to ya. just... takes me a minute.” it wasn’t a perfect apology, but it was enough to remind you how hard he was trying, even if he didn’t always have the words.

🌀 daryl dixon : @v3lv3tf0x, @dugiioh, @whxtewolf, @lemoanaid, @sunnykittyzz

@california-boys-and-sun, @cable-kenobi, @omen-keke, @hhiggs

taglist form linked in pinned post :3

[raven-at-the-writing-desk]

So... twst anime—

I feel I should be much more excited than I actually am. Don't get me wrong- I am excited ( for Leona animated content ) to see how they'll handle some things- but apart from the worries you listed, I just... I know this sounds a little gatekeepy but an anime will mean more ppl will know and talk about the story and I fear that they won't go into the game/other content and thus have a limited opinion on characters/events and misunderstand them. Basically I fear that characters will be even more mischaracterized than they already ( sometimes ) are by the current fandom 😭 ( specially Leona- gunshots )

[Referencing this post!]

I feel like there's for sure been mixed reactions to the recent anime news. The general consensus is excitement, but occasionally I've also seen skepticism or worries that the anime won't be as good as the long period since the initial announcement would have had us believe. That's to be expected; we won't know the quality of the anime until we watch it ourselves.

Mmm, there's that age-old sentiment again 😅 The thought of, "More people will be exposed to Twst because of this; I'm worried they will misunderstand the story/characters." It always seems to make a comeback whenever a new major piece of Twst media is announced... It happened when the official EN localization was announced too. People were jumping to conclusions and worrying that the influx of "EN-only" folks and/or a sub-par localization would lead to newer fans not seeing the story and characters the same way as the JP side did. I'll repeat what I said back then (as I think the same logic applies), along with a few additional points/expansions, as are relevant:

As you've said, mischaracterization happens, even now. This is normal in fandom, and it doesn't necessarily make fandom a "bad" space. Variation in thought is a normal human thing in general and I don't think it should be discouraged. If everyone thought the exact same way, life would be boring and we would have a limited number of ideas circulating.

This thinking sort of presupposes that the Twst fandom is currently without issues (or has few of them) and that it is the growth of the fandom that will cause problems. From experience, I can tell you that fandoms always have their toxic pockets. Fandoms growing larger just exposes more of those pockets because, statistically speaking, with more bodies present, there's a higher chance something will come to light, be it a personal squabble, a cultural difference, actually serious allegations, etc. It's a natural part of a fandom's lifecycle.

How other people interpret the story/characters should have limited or no bearing whatsoever on your own enjoyment. It does not erase your own views on the story/characters either. If you find that your concerns about others are becoming overwhelming, I'd encourage you to take a step back and think about what in this fandom makes you happy.

I feel that the mentality I mentioned earlier stems from an "us versus them" mindset. We're viewing current Twsties as the "in" group and everyone else as the "out" group... when, really, I think it might be healthier to perceive the "out" group as potential Twsties. Like... instead of fearing them as strangers coming in to "taint" the fandom, let's try to think of them as "friends we haven't met yet". After all, these anime-first or anime-only Twsties could end up being your next buddy, someone cool you meet at an event, a Twst content creator you enjoy, etc. Try to reframe your thinking!

Lastly!! We have no idea how the anime will go. They might not make it solely the main story just because it’s a manga adaptation. The team might have weaved in vignettes/event stories or bonus content exclusive to the anime which helps flesh out the characters.

I think that about wraps up my thoughts. I hope that helps alleviate some of your concerns. Hang tight, keep an open mind, and pray that the L*ona content in the anime is good 🤡

[nightmaretour]

I'm not sure if they run in the US or not or if so whether they're as good, but if you're in the UK, donate to the YMCA instead!!! (Despite the name, they don't just take men anymore!)

They're so, so good to the people they take in, and provide great, clean and safe places to stay both short term and longer term as well. (Also, in most long term places police officers cannot enter the building AT ALL without a warrant or the YMCA will sue their asses off. I'm not sure how it works with short term buildings but I imagine they have similar rules.)

Not only that but they actually work together with people to find them long term housing, arrange benefits and help them with job applications to help them afford said housing, connect them with their selected addiction and harm reduction services, and generally just care about improving their lives. And they have the building's case worker around all day most days specifically to deal with residents' concerns and help fix their issues, too. And if you have problems with that individual? There's a number to call to speak to someone else up on the notice board near the entrance.

Really the only issue I had there is that in longer term housing maintainance can enter your place without permission if you're not present at the time, which felt a little uncomfortable since I had the elevator maintainance door thing in mine, but I understand why.

Anyway, definitely donate your money to the YMCA. They put out requests for clothing donations when they need certain things, but fortunately they get a lot of their donations directly from the manufacturers or buy them in bulk instead (since there's so many locations, it works out much cheaper.) But you can donate to their charity shops to help them gather funds instead! Everything sellable goes straight to the shop floor or is sent to other shops with fewer items coming in. I've seen some really nice valuables in there that definitely wouldn't make it to the shop floor in a lot of places.

Sorry for the long rant but I am so, so passionate about them after what they did for me.

DO NOT SUPPORT SALVATION ARMY 

[ivesambrose]

𝑾𝒉𝒂𝒕'𝒔 𝒕𝒉𝒆 𝒏𝒆𝒙𝒕 𝒄𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝒐𝒇 𝒚𝒐𝒖𝒓 𝒍𝒊𝒇𝒆

•❅──────✧❅✦❅✧──────❅•

More timeless readings here

Services Offered ✨

Client Love 💞

Thank you for the tip mon cher 🌹

To book a personal reading with me message or send me an email with your name and query on ivesambrose@gmail.com

The next chapter of your life indicates a period of discipline, structure and determination. Long term plans or goals instead of short term gratification. I feel previous months of stagnation, struggle and mental turmoil has led to you having the mindset of being rather unfazed towards anything because you have likely realised that regardless of what you 'see' you're in control. You've learnt to trust your intuition and inner guidance over anyone else. You might encounter power struggles in between but this will lead to emotional growth nonetheless.

There is a lot of joy, celebration and new connections to look forward to as well. It might seem like despite the good happening to you and what you've wanted for so long finally being yours, you feel rather defensive. Remember to push through despite past struggles. To fully be in the present and enjoy what you have and what you deserve. For some of you I do see you making really good friends but due to past experiences you're rather guarded towards them. The message I'm getting is that yes, do use discernment when dealing with people. Do establish necessary boundaries. But don't let promising friendships falter due to fears.

You can also expect your dreams to be more within reach, renewal and unexpected help coming through, the path getting clear when you least expect it, healing from mental strain that have remained unspoken.

Lastly, you will experience a balance in giving and receiving. This will be necessary when it comes to your material and spiritual growth.

The next chapter of your life calls for adjustment and change. Drastic ones. If it's causing you some tension know that this area of your life requires that change. You can't expect to step into the next chapter of your life otherwise. I see that this involves your daily routine, health, work, with opportunities of personal growth and recognition in those areas. You may also be stepping into a new role of responsibility that requires self discipline on your part. You will be pushed to focus on your physical health a lot more. So if you feel like you're getting sick often it's a sign to stress less about it and take mindful steps towards it instead. Be it getting a proper check up or holding yourself accountable. You don't have to rush anything however, improvement will happen gradually. Some of you likely just need more movement but not the kind that puts your body on overdrive. There will be rapid progress and sudden opportunities coming your way out of the blue, a lot of communication and even travel. Career wise, it's looking really good! You will also be transitioning away from a very difficult time of your life. You may also have new intellectual pursuits, you'd want to learn new things or will be acquiring a lot of necessary knowledge. you will also find yourself juggling many tasks or projects at once but this will lead to a sort of mastery over your life You'll be feeling rather accomplished.

The next chapter calls for self expression, communication as well as creativity however some challenges or conflicts might arise as you assert your individuality or learn to find your voice in new environments.

You can however, look forward to emotional growth, new beginnings in your emotional life as well creative expressions.

Steady and solid growth when it comes to your finances as well. Something that makes you feel like you don't need to rely on others and you have financial freedom so one less thing to feel anxious about that has possibly been weighing down on you far too much .

Once again, try not to over exhert yourself or you'll end up attaching the experience to something that should come to you rather smoothly. In other words, you really need to drop the mindsets of the people that have been projected onto you and have become your belief systems. It's time to make some of your own without losing sight of what you truly value.

You can also expect more mental clarity and better insights in regards to what to do, where to invest, your life's purpose and what truly brings you joy. But instead of running from it like you did before, you'll embrace it.

You might feel more drawn towards arts, aesthetics, cooking, gardening etc as well.

Having time and proper consideration towards things you earlier didn't have the state of mind for.

[drdemonprince]

I’ve only just read your Burnout piece on Substack and it made me think of the anon you answered awhile back about anti depressants and anti anxiety medications.

I’m Autistic and am on anti anxiety medication which basically masked all the warning signs and symptoms of Autistic burnout. Those usual indicators I usually can pick up on which indicate I’m doing too much and not resting enough weren’t present on the medication.

I felt good (although very numb like the anon said) so I kept on taking on more and more and initially thought it was great! I’ve never been able to commit to things or work on multiple projects at once even ones that super interest and excite me because I get overwhelmed and burnt out quickly.

But without the warning signs I kept going and going until I started to feel really weird. Disassociated, not sleeping, upset stomach, drinking a lot. I thought everything was great so it took awhile to piece together that this is maybe what Autistic burnout results in when it’s covered by meds.

I’m now slowly withdrawing from the meds. I figure the authentic anxiety is better than false measures of “success”.

So just a warning to Autistic people I guess, I don’t know if what I’ve experienced is common or just subjective but it’s worth being aware of.

This is pretty much how I feel about psychiatric medication for myself, as well. I want the warning signs. I want to notice my body and brain rebelling. A lot of psychiatric drugs are somewhat effective at making us feel more numb, for a while, which is why they are used as a stopgap when a person's situation is unmanageable. I'm a big believer in the "Affect as Information" Hypothesis: when we feel like shit, that means something about our circumstances simply has got to change. Often that means giving up responsibilities, letting people down, letting things go.

I even feel the same way about weed. I have a lot of friends who use weed daily to manage their overwhelm, and it seems to work great for them, and potentially I should be doing the same thing. But I am terrified of having a massive dependence on a large quantity of weed in order to function, and when I *did* use weed daily, it became a baseline need and made me dissociate even further from myself. I now take the desire to use weed or otherwise get blasted as a signal that something is amiss and that I'm overwhelmed and seeking escape -- that doesn't mean I don't listen to that desire some of the time. I get high and/or drunk on the weekends pretty often. But I don't want to lose touch with my body's warning system. AND I have the immense luxury of being able to change my life circumstances when things get to be too much. If someone doesn't have that freedom, well, sometimes substances are the best thing you can get - be that psychiatric or off market.

[dykedvonte]

I saw your earlier post and you mentioned how people say things like "Curly is a grown ass man", "Curly is bigger than Jimmy", "Curly is Jimmy's boss", "He just needed a backbone" and you're so right cuz it drives me insane the way people want to hate Curly as much as Jimmy so they start saying really concerning stuff. Like is that not just victim blaming? Is saying "Curly is a grown ass man" not just rephrasing "why didn't she fight back?" It feels like the fandom think they can just say vile shit because his abuse wasn't physical (at first, and don't even get me started on anyone saying he deserved to be abused as if any kind of abuse can be justified) and he's a guy. Makes me wonder if people would bother seeing Curly as another victim if he was a woman or if discussion would be equally as insufferable because he's still not the "perfect victim" compared to Anya

It's crazy the way people say "I would've fixed everything unlike Curly" and then continue brushing off a victim and saying they deserved it. Even Curly acknowledged Anya's suffering even if he failed to help her in the end, and yet the fandom acts like this without any self-awareness (sorry for ranting like this but I'm just very tired of the fandom recently)

What worse about those comments and the sentiments is it’s often used when people are discussing him as a victim. Like acknowledging the abuse he also faced with Jimmy and that it shouldn’t matter or have an effect because he needed to “man up” and deal with it due to his position.

He needed to deal with it more effectively yes, but it is really victim blamey in the sense he should’ve just been able to. I talked about if Curly was a girl people would probably still judge her on the basis of being more experienced and accomplished and also needing to know better. The problem is that every is trying to treat what Anya and Curly went through on a comparative level. The game does not try to do that but instead tries to have their abuse parallel each other and be metaphorical, along with show the subtle and explicit ways abusers treat their victims.

People see how Jimmy and Curly parallel each other and create the idea “they deserved each other” in some weird ironic penance stance on both their parts. It’s just so odd because the game clearly shows that not a single person was deserving of their situation and especially the treatment under Jimmy at any point for any reason. The game centers around everyone paying for callous actions he commits and refuses to take responsibility for and yet the conversation center around one of his most tormented victims being questioned on how deserving he was of it/how it shouldn’t have effected him that badly.

I know you can be mad at Curly but making it out that if he was a real good man than he just would’ve had the balls to stand up to what was likely years of emotional and mental degradation still perpetuates the idea if a victim really didn’t like the treatment they would’ve just fought back harder or not put themselves into that position in the first place.

It goes back to the idea that there’s always a way to stop it and it’s on you if it happens. It’s again taking focus off the perpetrator and putting it on other aspects than the ever present source. Idk man but it’s like people are trying to make so many slightly different think pieces on MW that some just loop back to harmful rhetoric we were just moving away from.

[arttsuka]

I wanted to talk about Toothless and how his design and personality changed for the worst throughout the 3 animated movies (I won't be tackling any of the shows because I haven't watched them)

In the first movie he's at his best. His design is actually amazing, from the overall model structure to the patterns on his skin (which are visible in every shot, especially the ones taking place during the day, without ruining the 'illusion' of his black skin. It actually feels like it's resembling a panther aka black leopard in which the fur patterns are still visible). His face has a more aerodynamic shape, more sharp, a big curve.

His snarky but intelligent personality was really fitting for him. And we got to see more of it as the movie was progressing and he was getting more comfortable with humans.

In the second movie the patterns on his skin are still mostly there, way less prominent but still visible. His face got squashed down (a problem which only because stronger in the 3rd movie) but as a whole he still looks presentable, kinda. His posture changed too (but I'm too lazy to find evidence, you'll have to take my word for it).

I remember not having a problem with his personality in the second movie which is why I was surprised to see that this was only half true. He acts more domesticated, that's to be expected, but only around humans? When he interacts with other dragons it's like he's a completely different character, closer to what he became in httyd 3 than 1. He's still quite intelligent and more used to human equipment and people in general. In the first part of the film (especially this scene with Hiccup) he acts like how I'd imagine he should be in the 3rd movie, here it should have been a 'middle' ground, not 100% domesticated but not movie 1 feral either.

In the third movie he suffered the worst. Gone are the patterns on his skin, he's solid black now. His face got weirder too.

His personality got reduced to this stupid, slobbering 'dog'. His pupils are always dilated and his tongue almost constantly out. He acts unintelligent and he doesn't have that snarky personality he had in the first and even the second movie. He's basically a different character altogether. (That scene where he tries to 'woo' the light fury is embarrassing at best and shows exactly what's wrong with his character now).

They did it to make him more 'likable' to younger audiences + to make a good visual contrast to the light fury (who has an undercooked personality AND awful design as well), which is weird because they gave the light fury patterns on her wings?

The light fury looks like a beluga whale in the worst way possible. She has almost nothing going on visually to the point it doesn't even make sense. Her skin looks fragile, she's so weirdly smooth for no reason. It would legit be better if they took a night fury model and painted it white.

They gave her a 'cat' personality and took it away from Toothless (why couldn't both be 'cats'?). Also she's the 'girl' character, her only purpose is to be the romantic interest. She adds nothing to the film.

No comment in the live action design. Just ugly. Atrocious even.

Also something else that's been bothering me from the live action remake is this scene.

They've basically recreated every scene exactly as it was in the original so far (which is a bad thing) but the slight hesitation Toothless showed before touching Hiccups hand was the one thing they chose not to include? (I know the scene wasn't meant to have that in the beginning and it was an error in animation which they decided to keep because it gave the scene more personality so, why not include it in the live action?)

[avoicebehindthestars]

On Rob's Good Omens sweaters...

Bluesky has some photos of Rob Wilkins wearing these two holiday sweaters:

At the first glance you go "awww, how perfect, I need those sweaters!" but then you're like "hold on a second!"

For the sake of this meta, I'm going to assume the designs are deliberate, and not just idk cheap fakes ordered from temu lol.

Let's start with stating the obvious. The red sweater has the characters' roles reversed - Crawly is sheltering Aziraphale. It's not a "book thing" either - there, Aziraphale held his own wings above himself. This is a minor detail, but Crawly's stance is also different than in the show - his legs are apart, in a position indicating strength, confidence, and protection. Meanwhile, the blue sweater has what looks like angel!Crowley sheltering a black-haired fallen angel. My first thought was that is could be Satan and this might be a hint that we're going to see Crowley's fall after all. But now I think different.

Regarding the red sweater in particular, my thoughts immediately wandered towards the multiple Edens theory and the two Crowleys theory. Just to quickly recap: discrepancies in the details on the walls of Eden have been spotted, and at one point someone from the crew mentioned that there were "many Edens" in existence (possibly testing grounds before the real one? Or several different enclosures for the first breeding pairs? We never found out). As for Crowley - many people have noticed differences in his looks throughout season 2. Most notably, his sideburns have differing length and it shifts within the same scene, e.g. the sideburns are long in the pub, but short when he leaves the pub; they are short during the "exactlys" argument, but long when Crowley snatches his sunglasses while storming out of the bookshop. Bildad the Shuhite also has two different hairstyle (one is shorter, more evenly cut and carefully combed, whereas the other is longer and a bit more "windswept"). There's also the matter of different camera filters, which is a commonly used technique to show different worlds (think Supernatural, and I think also some MCU films?), and the disappearing props.

So, taking the sweaters into consideration, could the world of Good Omens be comprised of multiple realities? The novel is one. Season 1 is another. Season 2 shows TWO (!), which are almost identical. Who knows, perhaps the Crowley with the short sideburns managed to sway Aziraphale in the Final Fifteen, or even changed his mind and hopped on the lift at the last moment? What if, presented on the sweaters are two more? On, in which it was Crawly offering shelfter to Aziraphale, and another one in which it was Aziraphale who fell (and his hair blackened in the process). Perhaps there are versions of this (sorry, couldn't resist!) in which they both fell, neither did, or they were an established couple by season 1?

It this were to prove true in the movie, it will have some pros, of course. Firstly, it would legitimise virtually all headcanons you might have (I was a little upset when s2 finale made it clear they weren't secretly a couple before). It would also boost creativity for all the reverse!Omens fic writers. And, of course, it would explain many things fans have noticed, especially about s2.

However, other than that, I don't think I like it that much. Above all, I simply dislike multiverse - I find them often too convenient narratively, while also needlessly convoluted. But aside from that, I wouldn't be happy to see that particular take in the movie. If we were getting out 6 episodes, it would be fun to watch particular scenes and increasingly go "huh?" as we spot consecutive discrepancies and minor details that don't work. And by the time it was revealed it would feel really rewarding that you have spotted the details, even if you failed to work it all out. Within mere 90 minutes… it just doesn't feel like enough time to drop enough hints, or, alternatively, the movie would be oversaturated with them. Finally, it would mean less screentime for the mercilessly truncated Aziracrow reconcilliation arc (which I am still grieving over), as instead we would receive glimpses of different universes, while still navigating the complex Second Coming plotline. Also, what would be the endgame? All the Aziraphales and Crowleys combining their forces to beat heaven and hell/the new christ/god herself? That's a bit too Marvel if you ask me, and with all my reservations about the movie, I rather trust Narrativia to offer us something much more original.

[flatassthrowaway]

Passionately and Deeply

Heyyy so I'm back with another one! I hope everyone's been doing okay, and I hope this latest chapter lifts people's spirits up at least a little bit. As usual, let me know what you think. 18+ for suggestive content, MDNI please.

~~Masterlist~~

~Chapter Eight~

Tonight was Stan and Ford’s birthday. We were celebrating at this fancy restaurant by the hotel, and Stan said to get a taxi, since he’s gonna be drinking all night.

The men are turning sixty-two today, but they weren’t super happy about that reminder of their age.

I woke Ford up with kisses, and I gave him one of three presents— my mouth.

I think he rather appreciated it.

One of the other gifts is another physical gift later this evening and another gift is a moonstone that my grandmother gave me. I always carry it around with me, and it reminds me of her. I hope he likes it.

We’re currently at dinner, and Stan was drunkenly singing Sing Us A Song by Piano Man.

“Sing us a soooooooong, you’re da piano maaaaaaaan~!” he belted. “Sing us a soooooooong toniiiiiiiiiiight~!”

Dipper and Mabel giggled, as did their friends as Mabel was holding her cell phone and recording it. Ford seemed to be having a good time, too. Instead of guzzling down the prosecco in a few minutes, he was enjoying it over the course of a few hours. I helped him out with it, but he took most of it. I was also enjoying myself, and was laughing at Stan’s antics as well, to the point of tears.

“Welllllllllll, we’re allllllll in the mood for a meeeeeeeloooooodyyyyyyy~” he sang, but I felt the ending of the song was near. “And ya got us…” Stan took a deep breath. “Feeeeeeeeeeeeliiiiiiiiiin’ alllllllll-riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!”

The teens, Ford and I all clapped, and Stan whooped, as he bowed.

“Thank ya! Thank ya all! You’ve been’a greeeeaaaat croooooowd!” Stan yelled, slurring his words.

The waiter came by, and dropped off the bill. We were the only patrons in the restaurant, and I was kinda glad that Ford booked the last possible slot for dinner. I thanked him, and took the bill. It was their birthday, and it was about time that I repaid the older twins.

When I glanced at the bill… I was glad that this was a special occasion, we’ll put it that way. I was able to afford it, but… good heavens, we ordered wayyy too much alcohol!

I paid for the bill, and gave the waiter a generous tip. He was kind enough to let me know that they would be closing now.

“Come on, birthday boys,” I shouted. “The party’s gonna continue at the hotel!”

“Oh hell yeah!” Stan yelled. “Let’s go, familyyyyy!”

The teens cheered as we walked to the outside of the restaurant. I initially didn’t notice that Stan lazily wrapped his arm around my shoulder while I was getting Ubers for everyone. I guess he needed some stabilizing.

I felt Stan’s arm fall off, which made me look up. I saw Ford’s face twist in anger, but before I could ask him about it, he lifted my chin up with his index finger and thumb and kissed me square on the lips! In front of everybody!

The girls squealed, while Dipper let out a loud, “No way!”

Stan whistled. “Oh shit! Get it, Poindexterrr!”

After we made out for a few seconds, I pushed Ford off of my lips before yelling, “Stanley!” I felt like my face was on fire.

Stan shrugged. “What? It’s about time he confessed his true feelings or whateverrr,” he said loudly. “Oh, la, la-la, di-dee-da~ La-la, di-dee-da da-dum~”

I rolled my eyes before turning to the teens. Mabel stepped forward. “So… does that mean…?”

I looked at Ford, and he looked at me before he looked at his great niece and nodded. “Yes,” he said. “We’re together.”

“About time!” “Woohoo!” “Nice!” “Lucky lady!”

I laughed rather boisterously as I held onto Ford. “What do you mean, ‘about time?’ You were rooting for us, Dipper?” I asked.

Dipper scratched the back of his neck. “I mean… you both look really good together…”

“Aww, that is so sweet!” I said.

“I thought they looked good together before you did!” Mabel said.

Dipper laughed. “C’mon, sis, let me have this!”

The ubers for all of us arrived, and we had to take three different ubers. Mabel ended up going with her friends in one, Dipper went with his friends in another, and I went with the birthday boys.

Probably not the smartest pairing in terms of safety, but we were drinking.

Thankfully, we all arrived at the hotel safely, and Stan kept singing that same tune from before. He dramatically turned around to the kids. “C’mon kids! This party’s goin’ all night!”

“Karaoke! Karaoke! Karaoke! Karaoke!” The teens chanted as they followed Stan to his room.

Well… there goes that.

Ford and I laughed before turning to each other. “I have more gifts for you,” I told him.

Ford’s eyes widened. “Sweetheart, you were already generous enough with this morning’s present,” he told me.

I smiled. “I know… but I’m in a giving mood. Especially because it’s your birthday.” I kissed him on the cheek, my maroon lipstick smearing.

Ford grabbed my hand as we ran to the elevators, and as soon as the doors closed, we started making out. Once we heard the bell ding, we separated, but our hands were still intertwined. I walked out, having him walk behind me. I felt his eyes on my ass the entire time we walked to our room. Once I unlocked the door, he forced the both of us in, kicking the door shut and locking it as he began to make out.

“The prosecco tastes so good on your lips honey~” I told him, kissing him hungrily.

I heard him growl as he lifted me up into his arms. I squealed and giggled as I began to make out with him again. I can’t wait to fuck him again tonight~

“Honey~” I told him. “Wait~”

I heard him hum against my lips. “I don’t wish to wait any longer,” he told me, kissing me again. “You’ve been teasing me all night, sweetheart.”

I gave him one final kiss before kissing his nose and resting my hands on his chest. “I have to give you your other present first~” I told him.

He sighed as he kissed me one more time and gently set me down on my feet. I went over to my bag to get the moonstone that my grandmother gave me.

I turned around and clasped my hands around my back. “Close your eyes,” I told him playfully.

Stanford gave me a smirk that made me rub my thighs together before closing them.

“Now hold out your hands.”

Ford did as he was instructed, and I plopped the teardrop shaped gemstone in his hands, the bluish-white hue glowing with the soft light of the lamp in the hotel room brightening it.

I saw him softly smile as I gave a delicate smile in return. “You can open them now, honey~”

Ford opened his eyes, and he looked down to see the small teardrop shaped moonstone in his hands. He looked pleased as he went to pick it up between his fingers and examine it.

“A moonstone?” he said.

I nodded. “My grandmother gave it to me, and I carry it around so that I know she’s always with me,” I told him. “Not only that, it’s the gemstone of June. I want you to have it, honey.”

Ford immediately looked at me and shook his head. “Sweetheart, I can’t,” he told me. “I can’t take something so precious and priceless away from you.”

“You’re not taking it, I’m gifting it to you,” I told him. “You mean a lot to me, Ford, and… it would mean a lot if you accepted it.”

Ford looked at me appreciatively before smiling. “Thank you, sweet girl.” He took me in his strong arms, embracing me before I gave him a sweet kiss on the lips.

“Now… for your final gift~” I told him, keeping my arms around his neck. “Be a good boy and lay on the bed for me. I also want your shirt gone by the time I’m done in the bathroom.”

Ford hummed, giving me a decadent kiss. I hummed against his lips. “Go on, honey~” I told him as he turned around. While his back was to me, I couldn’t help but lay a spank on his ass. I heard him growl, which in turn made me giggle.

“How long do I have to wait for you, sweetheart?” he asked.

“I’m just freshening up, honey~” I told him as I gathered my lingerie, not giving him a straight answer.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*

I held his face in my hands, smiling. “Oh, Stanford…” I whispered as I kissed his nose. “Happy birthday, handsome~”

Ford kissed me again, and smiled. “Thank you for your generous presents, beautiful.”

I felt my face get hot before I kissed him one more time. We maneuvered underneath the covers again, and I listened to his heartbeat slowly return to normal, as I myself began to drift off to sleep.

I’m such a lucky woman.

💚💚💚

I hope this chapter wasn't too boring. I wanted it to be mostly fluff but it came out mostly suggestive :/

Thanks for reading~!

[ailurostheendless]

Now that i think about It genuinely makes me anxious and sad knowing that they weren't in season 1 meaning in original timeline something happened after 1938. They either were killed or had to go away for some reason because you can see they really were loyal and adored Rang as their leader. Even complimenting Lee Rang as a leader who unlike other leaders treated them equally with what they get. So I imagine something really bad must have happened since Rang seems to be alone and didn't want anyone around him and it seemed like it had been years since he's been alone, Yuri had been in Rang's life around 5 year so I think probably soon after 1938 he lost the bandit in orginal timeline. What i think is they died due to some conflict or some reasons why Rang in season 1 seemed more vary of caring for anyone. Like he rescued the dog in season 1 and Yuri but wanted them to go away after he rescued then because he knows the pain of loosing and didn't want to be weak again and responsible for again releasing from their pain from his own hands (which seeing the end of season 1 where he had to kill Yeon all the more worse for him I'm surprised he didn't just k*ll himself with all the suicidal tendencies but then again technically he did since he gave away his life for Yeon). The puppy he rescued definitely reminds him of his own puppy he had to kill as a kid because of the pain it was in the mountain fire human put and was reluctant to keep Yuri around after rescuing her in both of fear and probably experienced loosing the bandit group horribly most likely and also because since the contractor was around with life debt on Rang he didn't want Yuri to be dragged in. Which makes sense because Yuri barely knew anything related to Rang and his life contractor she wasn't around or involved with Imoogi until she wanted to rescue Rang from a fatal injury. There's also that there is good chance the contractor had something to do with keeping Rang alone. Did he have a hand in Rang loosing the bandit either killed or maybe being driven away by the contractor and the contractor uses that to manipulate Rang more.

Honestly the original timeline seems so grim for Rang I'm honestly more curious what else happened when Yeon wasn't around Rang because there's a lot tha happened to Rang during Yeon's absence like after the Mountain was in fire and then there's a huge time skip of him killing people mechanically? Like he's not even himself? Why wait so long to kill the villagers? Something clearly happened to trigger him but we don't know.

Where was he ? How was he surviving? Was anyone with him? And the contractor was suspiciously on time to find a dying Rang even though Yeon thinks Rang survived because he missed Rang's vital point but Rang only survived due to the contractor finding him right on time to use cherry tree soul fruit to save his life putting him in life contractor. I wish at least in season 3 they explore that because we know Rang hates showing weakness and likley didn't tell Yeon. Because for him what's important is Yeon tried to not kill him then (which is depressing really)

Meaning the contractor knew ? Was he following Rang the entire time ? Did he do something to push Rang to kill? Did he know Yeon would miss the mark but fail to save Rang and use that to save Rang himself to kill? Is that why Yeon wasn't able to find Rang once his punishment was done?

Anyways so many questions around Rang's whereabouts. Honestly i would love to see a sequel series of original timeline and what transpired whenever he was alone after the mountain burned down. I want to see everything from then to present times without bigger plotholes to make the ml look better please. Like God the more seasons we get i honestly just have more questions on what happened to Rang in original timeline.

This moment in the second episode made me laugh out loud. 

The relationship Lee Rang has with his gang makes me weirdly proud of him. He felt abandoned but managed to find a group of people to surround himself with.

[dragon-chica]

if you are my friend and tell me something you wish for, vague description or the most obscure item, I will fucking find and acquire it for you. I will do so with love and it may take me a long time but I will not forget and I will get it for you.

This does not seem to work when I'm trying to find something I really want though and I wish someone cared enough to help me.

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Good morning, Sleepyhead.

[First] Prev <–-> Next

[somerunner]

Of course, as a practicing member of the church, and being someone who's easily swayed by propaganda, I view the history a little differently. But not all that differently (only just enough to voice that I view it differently), so I'm not going to make a post trying to write out my preferred version of events. That's a far lower priority than engaging with this post on what I agree with.

The thing is, sanding off our rough edges really is a tragedy. I think that sanitizing our history or steel-manning it is a tragedy. Even if it's something that most if not all religious organizations and countries do, if your reported (note: "reported," not "recorded," but records are reports after a fashion, so it really doesn't matter) histories lose the messy complexity of the past, they fail to adequately prepare you for the messy complexity of the present.

The church was and is composed of people, and people get panicky when their in-group comes into conflict with another in-group. The deeper the ideological divide (note: or the deeper divide in any category, but in this case it was primarily ideological), the worse the conflict. And no matter if your ideals are to be peaceful, you get a large enough group together and there will be agitators within it, and followers of those agitators.

I don't think of myself as a good person. I think that's why I stay in the church -- for both of the reasons you might expect from that last sentence (i.e. it makes me better the more I participate in it, and in addition I'm not principled enough to strike out on my own). I feel compelled to both defend and criticize the church in the same breath, because doing only one of those things feels wrong.

I don't know where I was going with this. I hope this didn't come across as a defense of the church any more than your post did, and I hope it didn't come across as too critical either. I think your story linked above (the "I was taught by one" part right before you bring up Fallout) is one of my favorite stories of a devout member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. He's a little kooky and quite vindictive, but dedicated to being better and to trusting in God. That's probably the best I can hope to become, though I'd probably be trading vindictiveness for waffliness (i.e. the tendency towards waffling, or failing to decide).

There are plenty of published articles and talks within the church or by active members of the church that I feel have acknowledged this kind of messiness within it, but I feel like only acknowledging this from within the bubble makes me feel some kind of sheltered. I'd still be remiss to not mention them, though, hence this paragraph. Of course, some of them still feel a bit sanitized to me so they'd feel wildly sanitized to most Tumblr denizens, but I think a few might be something the average tumblrite could stomach. My favorite (and one stomach-able by the readers here, I think) is probably the opening sections of Letters to a Young Mormon by Adam S. Miller, that read rather similarly to your autobiographical posts. I still haven't finished the thing after several years, and it's only like 80 pages, and a miniature book at that.

Happy trails, Babylon. I mean, bloody and desperate trails, Babylon.

Would you mind sharing the psalm and why you felt that person was the most humanist Mormon? I'm not religious at all but I find these sort of things very interesting.

In exchange I could offer the reason for my url ?

I'm warning you, this is kind of a mega essay, and it's fucking unhinged. Click at your own risk.

(Alright. You clicked.)

Psalms 137

By the rivers of Babylon we sat and wept

when we remembered Zion.

There on the poplars

we hung our harps,

for there our captors asked us for songs,

our tormentors demanded songs of joy;

they said, “Sing us one of the songs of Zion!”

How can we sing the songs of the Lord

while in a foreign land?

If I forget you, Jerusalem,

may my right hand forget its skill.

May my tongue cling to the roof of my mouth

if I do not remember you,

if I do not consider Jerusalem

my highest joy.

Remember, Lord, what the Edomites did

on the day Jerusalem fell.

“Tear it down,” they cried,

“tear it down to its foundations!”

Daughter Babylon, doomed to destruction,

happy is the one who repays you

according to what you have done to us.

Happy is the one who seizes your infants

and dashes them against the rocks.

———

Mormonism has layers. Different cores of believers, cultures within itself. The largest group of Mormons also dominate its image within the larger culture. You know them as the nerdy, cheerful, bubbly dorks on South Park, or the hopelessly naive childlike weirdos from the Book of Mormon musical. Strangely sanitized, "wholesome" people that are, clearly, unwhole. Missing some essential part of the human experience.

(Pain, maybe?)

I think that embracing this image is letting Mormonism view itself as what it wishes it was. A group with all its rough edges sanded off, all its raw and desperate humanity scrubbed away. A clean and godly and slightly unsettling image of joy.

That isn't how it started.

Now, most people know the story of Joseph Smith. Fourteen year old farm boy starts a cult because the whole world if full of idiots, I won't repeat it because you've probably already got it from South Park. But at some point that weirdo cult did become a religion, and I would point to that moment as the Mormon War of 1838.

I don't know how far after the founding that was. Enough that Joseph Smith was a grown man. Enough that the Mormons had around 15-25 thousand members. They'd moved to the Illinois-Missouri area and were establishing settlements.

(They creeped the locals out. Of course they creeped the locals out.)

Eventually, they got pushed out of the county they'd claimed. Jackson County, it was. The state couldn't actually take that county from the people that expelled them, so to try and make the Mormons "whole" for the land they'd bought (ignoring the houses and farms they'd already set up) it gave them a new county.

Next election that came around, that county was sieged. Voting was blocked. Now, the people of the state were terrified that this weirdo voting block was going to take them over. They probably weren't wrong. Some former Mormons had straggled in from the county revealing a frankly corrupt land dealthat the early church had used to transfer resources to itself, and that served as a tipping point. To prevent their state from becoming a religious basketcase, a mob sieged the Mormon county during the next election.

The state tried to return order by sending the militia in to break up the siege, but the militia mutinied. They joined the siegers. A ground of strange, extremist violent Mormons known as the Danites rode out and attacked local settlements that were known to house the families of the militia members.

The Governor at the time - Lilburn Boggs - sent out an executive decree. The Mormons were traitors, and were to be killed on sight. It is the only religion in the US to have ever had such an order made against it.

The Mormons surrendered their county and went to Nauvoo, Illinois. There were again expelled from that city in 1846, and traveled west.

They died in great numbers and they never forgot the homes they lost.

———

I tried to tell the story as sympathetically to the people of Missouri as I could. The Mormons made messes wherever they went, and they unsettled everyone they interacted with. But they were attacked as well, and had a history of violence against them. It should not be totally surprising that they became insular and strange.

Many (most?) Mormons that learn all of their history wind up leaving the religion. It has twists and turns and knots and it is incredibly, overwhelmingly human. I think that's where the facade of Mormon perfectionism comes from - the shame of that. The desire to be something else. But being human is all I've ever wanted. And occasionally, there are people faithful in the church - layers upon layers deep - that know their history.

And they are angry about it.

I think it's more common than people realize. Did you know that until 1930 Mormons swore literal religious oaths of vengeance against the US government for the deaths of Joseph and Hyrum Smith?

I always felt like these were, in some way, the real Mormons. They knew their history, and they loved their church, and they hated what it had suffered all those years ago.

They scared me, those people. But they seemed complete. More complete than the people that had carved out everything that didn't make them smile. They'd walked into the mirror, and touched their shadow, and danced with. Melded with it.

And I knew a few like that. I was taught by one. And he didn't convince me, but he interested me. Gave me some respect for the people I left behind.

———

In the game Fallout: New Vegas, there is a character named Joshua Graham. He's a Mormon. Not like the silly children in adult bodies that they always use on TV. He has gravitas. He has put away his moral compass before, to pursue the dream of one powerful man. Poured his soul into it, helped that man conquer the whole west in piecemeal. He's a somewhat on the nose analogy of the Mormon people themselves, following Joseph Smith. And when he finally failed, when he fought a battle he could not win on the gates of the Old World Hoover Dam, he was lit on fire and thrown into the Grand Canyon to die.

But he did not die.

He says he survived because the fire in him burned brighter than the fire around him. And it seems that way when you speak with him in game. There is something compellingly bright to him. Not shiny like a new toy, or a Utah teenager that hasn't seem just how grim the world can be. He's something blinding, compelling.

But that brightness casts shadows.

He is vicious. He was saved in the canyon by the family he left, the old Mormons of a new world. And he's trying to find that part of him again, regain the soul he lost pursuing someone else's vision. But that old vicious animal part of the covenant is with him. I see Joshua Graham and I see the animal that the Mormons became to survive the West.

And in the game, there is eventually a choice given.

You can lead the tribe Joshua has joined up with out of their Zion. Their Jackson County Missouri. Peacefully and perfectly and inhumnanly transcendant, the way the Mormons wish they actually were about everything. You can give him the chance to be what Mormonism has always wished it could be. Or you can fight with them and help them reclaim their paradise, but get your hands stuck deep in the muck of this world.

Joshua Graham knows his history. He knows all the homes his people lost. And whatever brightness he's trying to regain, whatever soul he's trying to win back from the world that takes and takes and takes and takes - he wants to give it all up again to let these people keep their home.

He knows his past and he is angry.

And as the player, you help him make peace with one of two things: Being human by being fallen, or keeping his soul at the cost of reliving the ancestral trauma of losing Zion yet again.

Both were pretty visceral decisions for a Mormon teenage Babylon to make.

(Tagging @boonebignaturals in this because I need a witness to my madness.)