#but I'd rather be feared than infantilized

[only-man-in-the-sky]

so problematic that the npd culture blogs cancel me

[meanbossart]

I appreciate how you write Astarion so, SO much. I feel like way too many fic writers infantilize him to a point where I honestly start wondering if I'm the one who misinterpreted him so badly.

I'd love to know more about what you think of his character and his arc. Personally I saw him and immediately went "oh god this guy is gonna be the irritating tumblr sexyman of the year🙄" and it took me until Araj basically to warm up to him. What were your initial thoughts and did they change much while playing the game?

OH thank you so much!!! That's a shame if it's the case, and a little surprising to me, to be honest! While he's definitely written be an aloof jerk a lot of the time, I always found him to be surprisingly mature and introspective whenever he's not dishing out witty remarks. He comes off to me as the kind of person who learned to benefit from seeming dumber than he actually is, overall.

HAHA I had a VERY similar experience, not just towards Astarion but all the characters, really (I really disliked Shadowheart at the beginning, too). I had only seen pictures of him and pretty much expected a vapid character that was being carried to stardom because of a talented VA - and because people go nuts for anne rice style vampires lol.

While I was definitely enjoying his voice lines from the start (Again kudos to Neil) I definitely wasn't expecting much else. He piqued my interest after so devastatingly turning my character down at the tiefling party without me even having inquired, and that's when I, the gamer, was like "well, alright, I GOTTA fuck this guy now" (this is also where DU drow's personality began to come out as you can probably guess)

Obviously, if you have two neurons to rub together you can gather pretty quickly that he's not trying to woo you because you're so interesting and wonderful, so I started getting curious! With that dynamic being so different from what you usually expect of romances in these types of games, plus the charming way in which he is written, I started being won over.

I think what really did it was how gradually his attitude changed when responding to new, mostly trivial dialogue options and doing his greetings as you earned his trust, and ESPECIALLY with how he responds to your tav when you express any kind of fear or insecurity during his romance - which was with a lot of sincerity and confidence in his resolve to support you, and in you as a person, a complete 180 from his usual front - Which, again, makes me all the more surprised to hear that he's often painted with such an immature brush.

And obviously he has a DEEPLY ugly side to him (if you've read ANE, hopefully it's clear that I know this, and that I like to explore it just as much as anything else lmao) but it's very interesting to me how it seem to always come in the form of outbursts, rather than a constant evil-streak, usually followed by a glimpse of self-awareness. It feels very much in line with someone who's actually making a great deal of effort to manage their RAMPANT emotions and going through a lot of internal conflict in the process.

GAH. Yeah if you can't tell by this friggin' thesis I just wrote, I love the way they wrote this character a lot and I was definitely proven PROFOUNDLY wrong in my first impression of him - which, if that's not irony at it's finest I don't know what is.

And as an aside! I also very much appreciate that he's a "queer" coded character who's effeminate (in the Old Homo kind of way, but I digress) and flamboyant, but taken Dead Fucking Seriously. With as much progress as we've made in LGBT rep in media, I still often feel like gay men will only get that kind of treatment for as long as they "Aren't That Gay" (I know Astarion doesn't have a set sexuality - But lets not mince words: stereotypes exist, and he fits into most of them) and as a thin-wristed gay guy who's a little too found of linen shirts, I can honestly say that experiencing a character like that helped me with my own confidence.

[skaruresonic]

Honestly, as fun as it was to go "Jesse what the fuck are you talking about" at the absurdity of fandom tourists who refused to engage with canon in good faith, it still felt like people explaining the nitty-gritty of how and why Freemance "didn't count" as pedophilia were giving the antis too much ground. Like they were implying there was a point that any given HL ship could be considered too problematic to defend.

As someone who ships Valhoun, which could arguably be considered more problematic than Freemance in this system of moral checks and balances by mere virtue of Barney actually being in his forties or so (although even that is debatable tbh), as opposed to Gordon's Schroedinger's Creepy Old Man Status, needless to say, I found the whole thing ridiculous.

To me it doesn't really matter even if Gordon was 47, because Half-Life exists in a context where real-life social mores don't apply as stringently. Humanity is on its last legs and Eli wants grandkids, yo. I have argued in the past that age gap squicks would likely lessen out of necessity following the Combine's breeding suppression. People need to procreate in order to repopulate the species, after all, and beggars can't be choosers. Kleiner said "get busy fuckin' or get busy dyin'" for a reason.

However, I'm not terribly keen on Freemance because Gordon's blank-slate status means I'd have to make up his characterization in my head, and it just doesn't seem worth the effort. I always feel like I'm shipping a dozen different versions of Gordon rather than Gordon himself. He also... just doesn't react to Alyx, making their chemistry incredibly lopsided. At least Barney goes "Eugh" when Alyx teases him about "not being an animal person"; Gordon just presumably stands there like :I when she cracks her Zombine joke.

Despite lifting somewhat in recent years, fandom has an ironclad "Barney is Alyx's uncle/big bro" fanon, which is just as annoying as "Shadria is incest" because it basically sprang out of nowhere. Canon seems to imply that Barney and Alyx are acquaintances at best, not terribly familiar with each other outside of their faintly overlapping social circles. Kleiner is honestly their only link. Barney, in fact, has less reason than most other older male characters to be considered one of Alyx's honorary uncles. At the very least Alyx suggests the possibility Gordon may have seen her once as a child; no such equivalent exists for Barney. The idea he babysat her is also hilarious considering he never even directly addresses Eli in HL2. On top of that, there's the issue of infantilizing Alyx, which I could rant about for hours. Yes, Valhoun may be just as "fanon" as Uncle Barney headcanons, but that doesn't mean I'm not thinking in terms of the series' overarching context. I view Valhoun as a sort of push-pull dynamic between Barney and Alyx, duty stifling love and placed inside a pressure-cooker of sexual repression. Hot. Plus, there's that forbidden fruit aspect of rebel/Metrocop lol. And while I would in a perfect world like to see the two be together, given HL's bleak world, realistically, I don't see it working out. Not even in an "Alyx dumps his ass for Gordon" kind of way, necessarily, but in a "they break up out of fear for each other's safety but there are still lingering feelings if they gaze in the other's wake for too long" kind of way. I have also argued that all three major HL ships bear imbalances. Valhoun does not suffer the experience gap that Freemance and Freehoun would; Barney and Alyx would have shared roughly the same life experiences under Combine rule that Gordon lacks.

[smosh-fessions]

and to the person very politely asking me to explain myself or stfu, this is what I've been told & overheard from multiple clients from my work place, and what I've noticed to often be true after hearing from others and observing:

> people who would not consider themselves aspec sometimes feel that people use SAM to over emphasize sex as if it's the only thing everyone cares about, or "do you or do you not have sex and how often and with whom" is the only thing everyone cares about. it's a little bit "yeah that's the point?" to some people, and I hear that too. it's a mixed bag from the outside perspective.

> people who would consider themselves aspec often feel a sense of infantilism or lack of person-hood from SAM and from people who "abide by it" (not properly from what I can tell) and not unlike a point I think you were trying to make earlier, they might just stick to a more broad label. unlike what I think you were trying to say, the people I'm talking about don't do it out of fear or frustration from "people like me", they do it because they're comfortable with it, and that gets misunderstood, and the cycle continues.

mostly it boils down to "listen when people talk" which I fully agree with, and it's what I was trying to do. I just hear something different than what you hear. that's it. I don't understand why this whole thing was such a fight, I wasn't trying to fight with you, I was trying to be understood and maybe tried too hard idk. but it feels like you would only wanna listen when people agree with you, and idk what you want from that

So they don't have to use it. It's really, really simple. A lot of us use it for a good goddamn reason and again, unless you are aspec, you do not get to speak for any of us whether you work with a million of them or zero. And even if you are, you only get to speak for YOU. Whether or not 99 of 100 aces dislike the SAM the one that needs it has every right to use it and be respected while doing so.

The thing here is that a man IS speaking and you aren't listening because you'd rather pick apart a model we designed for ourselves and that he used to describe the way he experiences attraction rather than accept that a lot of people still use, want, and NEED the SAM.

You don't get to debate what someone says when they tell you word for damned word how they experience attraction and the fact that you think you have the right to do so is deeply, deeply concerning to me.

There truly isn't anything to misinterpret in Damien saying he can find men attractive, has had crushes, feels very flustered sometimes, and doesn't mean it in the straight dude way of "of course that dude is good looking", but he doesn't have the urge to act on it.

I am literally the exact same way and that is how I would also explain my romantic attraction to cis men, essentially word for word. Is my orientation also now up for debate because you don't like how I'd explain it?

I do not debate people's identities, but you clearly do. I take people at their word when they explain who they are.

[devilcatdarling]

3, 9, 11, 13?

Oh boy lots of words incoming

3. Have you ever unfollowed someone over a fandom opinion?

- a few times actually, but because said opinions happened to be either extremely ableist, transphobia, proshipper rhetoric, or infantilization of trauma victims, etc, things that are reflections of poor character irl passed as "opinions" that I'd much rather not see on my dash or associate with. Ship discourse and or ooc characterizations and the like for fictional media are things I usually just mute or ignore otherwise

9. Most disliked character(s)? Why?

- a lot of my choices are the usual common ones for the reasons you'd expect, though most of them I can respect as nuanced/complex characters and write/portray them as such. The main ones I dislike being Zote, the White Lady, the Pale King, Soul Master, and the Radiance.

Particularly the Radiance and White Lady. Zote is annoying, Soul Master is a haughty immortality seeking asshole that throws others under the wheels for his own gain, the Pale King is an in-denial deity seeking any methods to purpetuate his kingdom at the ultimate cost of his own kids, etc (at least he had regrets though? I'm not about to defend him though tbh)

But the White Lady and Radiance? Despicable. Both more than capable and willing to throw their own "children" into eternal suffering and hell for the sake of their wars. Radiance infecting and wiping out the entire populace of Hallownest over her fury towards another god for "stealing" from her. Burning everything to the ground and leaving nothing but sickness and corpses. No matter how justified her anger or fear of being forgotten could be, she has laid waste to the entirety of a population in the name of her rage and slaughtered countless mortals caught in the crossfire of a godly spat

The White Lady? Bitch. Biggest bitch. How her responsibility in things is often overlooked in fandom portrayals is astounding to me because, as the only one of the three gods involved in this shitfest that you actually can just talk to ingame, her complete and utter dismissal towards her remaining spawn, from her cold indifference towards Hollow as a "tarnished impure failure" to her insistence that Ghost offer themselves up as sacrifice for a kingdom that they owe nothing to, that left them to die, is vile on a level that makes me despise her the most out of most of these choices here. She then hides away to assuage her own guilt and leaves the rest of the kingdom she claimed to care for to burn, speaking to her last remaining child as an object and pleading with them to lie their neck over the guillotine for a kingdom long since burned to ashes while she does nothing but hide away

I'd fist fight her in a McDonald's parking lot at 2 am and win

11. Is there an unpopular character that you like that the fandom doesn't? Why?

- I'm a pretty basic bitch in that most of the characters I like/dislike are also popularly liked/disliked in most fandom spaces but uhhh if I had to pick I'd say Unn. She's kinda just vibing under her lake separate from all the other godly bullshit going on and yeah she's not really trying hard to keep her own land but she's also kinda causing way less problems for everyone else unlike some aforementioned gods in this salt post. Also Greenpath as a nature realm is THRIVING compared to the rest of the burnt up and abandoned husk that is Hallownest so...Unn for the win lol

14. Unpopular opinion about your fandom?

- Some people spend an excessive amount of time gatekeeping ships and characterizations and it's just..not that serious guys xD

Granted it's not a HUGE problem, but if I had a dollar for every time I have someone showing up in mine, or other ppl's, inboxes to inform them about how their characterization/au/ship for XYZ character is "incorrect" and lives rent free in their mind in a negative way to the point where they just HAVE to tell you how bad it is, I'd have a hefty pocket full of dollars right now. Other people having harmless headcanons and ships shouldn't consume so much of your time and energy to the point where you NEED to hit up the inboxes of Pale King stans or Quirrelnet/Pale Nightmare/oc x canon shippers to needlessly shit on their day and tell them they should stop liking things because you can't use your mute and block functions to curate your own space accordingly. Log off and go outside and breathe some fresh air, I'm begging you. You can not like or even HATE certain interpretations of characters, you can rant about them in your own spaces, whatever. But don't come into MY inbox telling me not to ship oc x canon because you hate women and can't stand seeing your fave fictional blorbo with zero canon dialogue or relationship content shipped with a girl. I promise you I don't give a shit xD

[firedragon1321]

Predictions for What Will Happen to My Works if They Are Put in the Fandom Machine

Just me bullshitting. Nothing to see here.

High School/College AUs

I'm putting these under the same banner since college AUs have gained in popularity over the years. The very plague that infested some of my first fandoms will invade en masse. This will be uniform across my works. The reason for this prediction is very simple.

My work is absolutely infested with teenagers. The "old" characters tend to be in their 20s. One of my "older" characters- Bruno- is only 25, because those kids needed a goddamn adult.

I usually don't write protagonists older than me for a few reasons. One is they're my babies and it just feels- odd. Another is teenagers are fascinating to write. A third reason is I look forward to "unlocking" new ages as I grow older. Looking back on the previous periods of my life without fear and playing with them is a sign of growth.

The side effect of this is that my works will fall into the YA crowd, who will project their experiences onto them. From my sixteen years of fandom experience, I know what that means.

Modern/No Power/Human AUs

This is also universal. Going hand-in-hand with sticking my characters in a stifling school environment, they'll also be stripped of any powers they have. Right now, I have only one story where that means basically nothing.

My OC Kova is from a post-apocalypse story set on Earth. No-one has powers. Literally everything else I write has some degree of thunderbolt flinging or fire-breathing. I write fantasy, sci-fi, and sci-fi fantasy almost exclusively.

I get people want to put the blorbos in Situations. But sometimes, the Situations run against the characters and I Can't. It's worse when it comes to species because a species can be an entire identity.

That's the case with Jake, to some extent. He was a genetic experiment whose species was killed off, save for a few children. He was adopted and raised by humans. This and an incident in his childhood create fertile ground for an identity crisis, which he slowly has to untangle over the course of the story. He wouldn't be Jake if he didn't have a tail and antlers.

Casual Albiesm

As an autistic person, I can't wait to have my obviously autistic or autistic-coded characters made neurotypical by fanworks. It makes me feel all fuzzy inside thinking of people doing the very thing the antagonists of one of my main works set out to do. Jackie's entire character arc is about being autistic and proud but ignore that I guess, lol.

Oh! You know what else is gonna rock hard? Infantilism! Never mind that Jackie masturbates off screen (he is a fifteen year old boy). No he is an innocent baby who doesn't even know how to say "fuck"! What's that? I added those scenes to counter that trope? Haha that's funny! :3

I also can't wait for people to completely ignore other forms of disability. Just ignore that the gay cyborg is an amputee, or the bird boy is a part-time cane user.

Look, I've made mistakes with this kind of stuff. I get it. But I'd rather make a mistake than wipe away the character's identity. This is similar to the Jake example above. It'll be really obnoxious with Jackie, though, because it's really in-your-face with him. His form of autism is heavily based on my own, too...

Addendum

The above applies to making black or brown characters white, etc., etc. I'm just talking about albiesm because this is the only thing I really have expertise on. I make mistakes in the race arena all the time. Ignorance is one thing. But if someone draws the mixed race Native-American/Asian Kova as a white guy, that's a conscious choice and I will puke.

I'm okay with genderswaps (I've even done it myself), as long as the character's core personality is the same and you aren't being sexist with it. Not every character needs to be a supermodel with breasts the size of Nissans. Please. I beg of you.

SHIPPING!!!!!!!!11111!!!

I have been in fandom sixteen years, and this is the thing that terrifies me the most (about equal with solo sexualization of underage characters). Shipping is part of the lifeblood of fandom. It is what fans do the most with downtime between installments, and the focus of many an analysis. Sometimes, meta will mention ships for no reason (a pet peeve of mine- if you're talking about how trauma effects your blorbo, there's no reason to go off-topic).

The scary part is I know exactly who is getting shipped.

Protagonist/deuteragonist slash pairings are expected. I grew up on Digimon and Kingdom Hearts. I'm a born again Trekkie. I've seen this pairing type in all its forms and know it is inevitable. I've even made canon pairings that were basically this. My OCs Jake and Zak are both eighteen, so I'm more comfortable showing (some) of the physical side of their relationship. This will be catnip to fangirls if the book ever sell and I accept that.

What will bug me is when people ignore other types of relationships and character ages to go straight for romantic relationships. I am talking explicitly about Soren and Beck- the ship that doesn't exist that stalks my nightmares.

These two are cartoon characters from different in-universe shows (that's why they look different). Soren is 12, Beck is 16. They have a platonic, elder brother/younger brother relationship. Both are dumped out of their cartoon and into reality. Beck arrives first, so he serves as a guide to Soren, especially in the first two books. He's also the first friendly character Soren meets, with other characters providing advice but not much warmth or outright trying to harm him. Something happens to Beck in the second book that gives Soren nightmares. He goes through hell trying to undo that thing. When Soren learns that Beck smiles to hide a lot of pain, he does what he can to help. These two characters provide support and would die for each other. But at the end of the day, they're brothers- a word Beck used and Soren wholeheartedly adopted.

I think you see what a shipper would do with this information.

This bugs me not only due to the huge gap in their ages (for children/teens, four years is a lot), but because it ignores the nuances in their relationship in favor of TEH SEX. That also ignores a lot of the book's themes. One of the main villainous factions is made up of people who have become quite rich sexually exploiting toons.

I think my main fear is putting up huge signs that say "look at this thing- it's important" and having people spit on them. The Soren/Beck ship is the crown jewel of this. It throws the whole story in the trash to feed the fandom machine.

[montammil]

For a cold cold eyes request maybe Lawrence slapping Marshall and immediately regretting it?

Ok, I may have gotten a little carried away and made it part of the series. I hope this is okay!

Cold, Cold Eyes - Part Four

CW: Slapping/hitting, parental whumper, infantilism, mentions of murder, failed escape attempt, food mention

...

After a few weeks, Lawrence really thought Marshall would be starting to come to terms with his new living situation, but Marshall has just been so difficult lately. He doesn't understand why. He thought after enough love and affection, Marshall would see that he only is looking out in his best interest, but apparently not.

"I'm not asking much of you," Lawrence points out. "All's I'm asking is that you sit down with me, and we watch something together. Just one thing, and you can go to bed."

Huffing, Marshall adds, "And you want me to cuddle with you."

"Well, I'd love that, but if you don't want to, I won't force you to." Lawrence thinks Marshall is rather lucky he isn't forcing him to cuddle with his father. Doesn't that prove how much of a good father he is? "Just one movie."

"I'm tired. Can we just do this tomorrow?"

"Nope, we're watching a movie now." He pats the spot next to him. "C'mon."

A groan comes from the young man's mouth, and he does so, but not before muttering, "You're insane."

"Stop being fussy, buddy. A single movie won't kill you."

Marshall groans, but obeys and sits next to him. His expression makes it obvious he doesn't want to, but Lawrence convinces himself he looks content.

He settles on something he knows Marshall will like, which is something about Spider-Man. He knows Marshall thinks every little thing he does is to treat him like a baby, and maybe it's true, but he knows Marshall's fixation on superheroes isn't something he tried to encourage, unlike most other shows and movies. He's glad Marshall has some kind of childish interest, it makes things easier. No way would he allow his son to watch horror movies!

Lawrence gets tired after a while, and looks over at Marshall, to notice he's already asleep. He laughs quietly to himself, because he only looked at Marshall five minutes ago to find he looked wide awake and focused. He wraps a blanket around the both of them, but still doesn't cuddle him. Marshall's a light sleeper, anyway.

Maybe a small nap wouldn't hurt. Lawrence doubts Marshall would try to escape after last time. He closes his eyes. …

Marshall wakes up thirty minutes later when he feels someone against his shoulder. He opens his eyes and is about to wince, but stops himself when he notices Lawrence is asleep. He waves a hand in front of his face to make sure, seeing for any kind of reaction, only to get none.

He glances back at the TV, to see the movie is over, and the screen is black now. It feels so quiet, one creak on the floor might wake him. He stands, holding Lawrence's head up with his left hand, grabbing a pillow with his right to support the older man's head. He slips his hand from underneath his head, then carefully backs away, rounding the corner of the wall. He sneaks up on the hallway and walks past the dining table and towards the entrance of the house.

He tries opening it, internally screaming when it doesn't open. Obviously. He looks around for a key, hoping Lawrence doesn't have it with him. If he does, Marshall knows he won't have the courage nor stupidity to try and get it.

Marshall checks to see if Lawrence is still asleep, to see he is. He goes next to Lawrence's room, hoping he can find a key there. His heart is beating faster than ever in fear he'll get caught. He goes to his room and starts looking around as quietly as he can, nose wrinkling in distaste when he finds several pictures of him in the drawers, most when he doesn't even notice he's being taken pictures of, like when he's eating or asleep. Weirdo.

That's not the only pictures, though. He finds pictures of two other people. A girl with long brown hair, slightly darker than his own, and she looks to be around eighteen, maybe nineteen. There's some photos of Lawrence with her. Marshall can tell she's uncomfortable, even with the fake smile she has on. Some pictures she looks genuinely happy in, but they're not in his house.

The guy has long blond hair in a ponytail and darker blue eyes than Lawrence, but doesn't look like he's related. He also looks to be around his mid twenties. He looks angry in each photo, emotionless in others. There's no sign of Lawrence in the pictures, but there's no doubt he's holding the camera.

Marshall gets nervous, because there's no doubt in his mind these two came before him. He can't dwell on it for long, or he'll lose his chance. He puts the photos back, and carries on, feeling even more jittery.

Crawling under the bed, he digs through boxes and bags to find nothing there, either. He's desperate at this point. There has to be a key somewhere! He exits the room, closing the door behind him as quietly as he can. He tries to think next of what to do, if maybe he should just smash a window open, but then…

"What'cha looking for, kiddo?"

Marshall whips around, eyes widened, tears welling in the corners, he stutters out, "Uh, nothing. I-- I was just looking around, y'know, um…"

"In my room, huh?" Lawrence strides closer to him, his icy blue eyes staring him down. "It's not nice to snoop in your dad's room like that."

A sudden swell of anger comes in Marshall's chest. "I can't tell if you genuinely think that or if this is just some game to you. You aren't my dad, and I don't know what gave you that idea, but you aren't!"

Hurt flashes across Lawrence's face, then quickly replaced by anger. He clenches a fist, taking another step closer to Marshall. "Watch your language, and watch how you talk to me. I'm your father, I think I deserve a little more respect, don't you think? Apologize."

"No, I don't think I will!" Marshall stands his ground, fists clenched as well. "You aren't my father, you never will be, you're just a crazy, delusional man! I bet I'm not even the first person you kidnapped, right? Did you kill the others? I saw pictures of them."

Jaws clench in rage, and before Marshall can blink, he gets hit so hard he practically falls into the wall next to him. He doesn't register what happened until he looks up at Lawrence with a surprised expression. He never got slapped by the man before. Stabbed, sure, but he wasn't expecting this. Even Lawrence looks shocked from what he did, his eyes as wide as Marshall's.

Lawrence's mouth is agape for a moment, and he tries stepping towards Marshall, to which the young man yells, "No! Don't touch me!"

It breaks Lawrence's heart, because Marshall sounds more scared than anything. He takes a shuddering breath and says, "I am so, so sorry, sweetheart, I didn't… I'm just sorry. Can I see your face? Please?" He puts on the most gentle voice possible, even if he knows Marshall gets even more aggressive when he coos at him like a wounded animal or a crying newborn.

"I just wanna go home," Marshall cries quietly. He lifts his gaze up to the taller man. Tears drip down his cheeks and to the wooden floor. "Please."

Lawrence sighs. "You know what the answer is, kiddo. You're already home." He's relieved when he sees no blood or bruise on Marshall's face, but he wouldn't be shocked if it appears soon. He reaches out a hand and wipes his tears, to which Marshall just squeezes his eyes tightly in response.

Tears continue streaming down Marshall's face as he whispers, "Who were those people? Please tell me."

"It's no big deal. They were just friends," Lawrence quickly says, and pulls Marshall to his feet. "Lets get you to bed. You said you were tired."

Marshall knows he's lying, but he doesn't push it. He really is tired. He's so tired he doesn't even care that Lawrence is carrying him, so tired he doesn't even realize he wraps his arms around his neck.

When Lawrence makes his way to Marshall's room, which is just a few steps away from his own, he gently deposits Marshall into his bed, tucking him in.

Lawrence cups his cheek, running a thumb over the forming bruise on his cheek. "I really am sorry, Marshall. I wasn't thinking. I'm so sorry. Can you forgive Dad?"

Still, Marshall can't help but cringe at his wording. He just nods.

"Thank you so much, honey. I love you so, so much." He kisses his forehead. "I'll stay until you fall asleep. Tomorrow I'll make your favorite banana pancakes, and we can forget this all ever happened. Right?"

Marshall imagines when he says all, he means literally all of it. "Okay."

He won't be forgetting this any time soon, though, even if Lawrence offered him an infinite supply of banana pancakes. The question that keeps ringing in his head is, who were those people? and, are they still alive?

[unabashed-theorist-queen]

There's "Journalism", and Then There's This. This Is the Kind of Tripe That Drove Me to Start Expressing Myself Regarding "Them" to Begin With 🤮

I haven't written in a while and I won't even pretend to be arrogant enough to think anyone has noticed 😂 I wasn't going to explain myself because to be honest, I felt like I'd been untrue to myself. Afraid others would feel I couldn't "take the heat". Untrue. I've shown examples of the kind of ignorance that I receive in the form of "Asks" or Submissions (as we all do, I'm sure) frequently. No biggie. Laughable, even. Then I read something that turned my blood to ice. I had previously mentioned that my only child is of mixed race. I received a submission stating that my child "would be better off dead than being raised by a racist bitch" like me. I'm not asking for pity or outrage or sympathy. Honestly. But for me? That's my child and a line was crossed into HIS life that I couldn't laugh off. I wasn't sure if it was productive to give my opinions at the expense of his privacy, safety (I feared doxxing and the like) and my own exposure to that sort of sickness. I mean c'mon...you don't have to empathize, but we can agree that this person is sick, I hope. Long story -kinda- short, I was horrified. Then I read the above article. That is NOT journalism. It's race-baiting, biased, bordering on bullying bullshit at its absolute finest. An example of the very reason I felt I needed an outlet to voice my outrage, opinions, distress, worries and even laughter to begin with; basically why I came here. Met some fantastic people and shared ideas. The above piece of literary trash points fingers at us "trolls-haters-racist-bullies" in an intensely slanted negative light viewed under a lens of color. Always back to color and race even if I don't view the world in that way, because I dislike the character of Harry's wife. Sorry, but that's fucking absurd! Anyway, I'm grateful for it if only because it sparked my belief in freedom of speech and expression in such a way I was itching to say, once again: I DO NOT CARE THAT MEGHAN MARKLE IS BIRACIAL. I DO NOT VIEW THE WORLD IN BLACK AND WHITE AND MY OPINIONS ARE NEITHER BLACK NOR WHITE. I DO NOT CREATE ISSUES THAT AREN'T THERE OUT OF SPITE. I HAVE AN OPINION OF HER BECAUSE SHE GIVES US ALMOST DAILY INSIGHT INTO HER HYPOCRITICAL, SLANDEROUS, INFANTILE, LETIGIOUS, PATHETIC LIFE. Welp! I've said it and I feel better 😂 My son assured me that my concerns (on his behalf) are baseless, although as a mother I will always protect- but I admit I felt shame...as if I had allowed a "Sussex Squad" psycho to 'silence' me. No. Sometimes you have to weigh the pros and cons and examine what you're exposing yourself and others to. Anyway, this was ridiculously long and I'm probably all over the place here, but thank you if anyone found it interesting to read- I'm just glad to feel comfortable expressing myself, and I have so much respect for those of you that deal with that kind of attack on a hour to hour basis and stay strong in your opinions. 💋 Unfortunately, the above article praises a lying sychophant like Omid Scobie rather than individuals with original thoughts and integrity.

[flowerbloom-arts]

Muddler please :3

EEEEEEEEEEEE okay let's do this!!

First impression: "Oh wow I can't believe the 90s series missed up his name- OMG BEST BOY"

So it all started back when I joined the fandom in September of 2020 and I was doing some very rudimentary research on the characters to make fanart and such, and that involved looking up wikifandom articles on the characters, including Joxter and Muddler. I clicked on Muddler's name from Sniff's wiki and read through it and I was very hooked until I read this line:

“However, he is a very enthusiastic person filled with love for both his belongings and others.”

- Muddler's fandom wiki

And I metaphorically slammed my hands on the metaphorical table and declared Muddler my best boy, and that's why the obsession got rolling and how I came to be as the first and active Muddler simp of the Moomin fandom.

I personally latched onto Muddler very hard and I was in a bad place at the time so I picked him up, held him above my head and ran with him beyond the desert horizon, into the orange sunset while howling and yodeling gleefully with mania.

Impression now: "M. What have I done."

He is both my baby boy and my husband but I don't like saying it that way because it sounds super weird without context or fandom mindset, but it's the most apt way of describing my relationship with him as a character.

I'm sure my content of him and my unhinged ramblings in the tags of those drawings tells you alot about how I feel about him but in case you need a summary: I need a hug from him and him specifically, I crave it, in fact, but I also wanna pat him and kiss his forehead gently to say that everything is going to be alright.

He is my number one favorite character, he is my Joxter as much as Juddler is my Snufmin.

Favorite moment: Hoooo gosh how do I pick... I haven't really thought about a favorite moment with him as much as I think about him alot, weirdly enough. I guess my favorite canon moment with him is from the 90s series where Joxter as asks M- Fuddler, how he sleeps on all his "useless junk" and he simply replies:

"These are all my valued possessions!"

And it's really iconic to me, it's like, his version of Joxter's "I don't understand signs!"

It barely answers the question posed to him, it's said so casually, and it characterizes him very straight-to-the-point.

Idea for a story: Oh body I'd be here all day to list all of the story ideas I have. My first one I ever had about him has a buddy-roadtrip adventure between him and Joxter on their way to Moominvalley for the epilogue of Memoirs.

But one story idea that I guess would really push his character would be one where Sniff makes a deal with Stinky or something, it turns into a monkey's paw situation where Stinky steals other people's stuff, it gets to Muddler and Muddler goes absolutely insane trying to find the thief going as far as to create a very elaborate trap for the thief and when he is just very irrationally angry and erratic. When he finds out why Stinky's been stealing he is absolutely pissed at Sniff but rather than taking it out of Sniff he takes it out on Stinky by kicking him out and telling him to give everything back or else, and then Muddler sits on a cliff to have a mental breakdown about his behavior.

Unpopular opinion: I think Muddler suffers from the same infantilization problem that alot of anxious or autistic and nice. Like yes of course he's cowardly, of course he would run away from danger, of course he's not the brightest bulb in the box, of course he would cry at any slight perceived against him, but his cowardice and disposition of being overly emotional comes from a place of deep trauma and fear of pain or rejection rather than the childish naivety.

Favorite relationship: I'm stuck between his relationship with Hodgkins and Joxter for this one. One is a very sweet but somewhat upsetting story of an orphan getting adopted by an emotionally distant and neurodivergent uncle and partially failing to take care of his nephew and the other is a love story that makes me soft as the woolen clouds that covered the deck of the Oshun Oxtra.

Favorite headcanon: Muddler is intersex. It's an original headcanon I came up with and it's mostly baseless aside from his terrible posture, layers of clothing and ability to reproduce with a woman, I just think it creates alot of possibilities and interesting facets that would explain some things and make things more interesting.

[theggning]

I'd love to hear some of your thoughts on Curie, if you have any.

Sure thing! Apologies in advance if I get any of this wrong, I don't personally hang out much with Curie so I had to do a bit of brushing up on her.

Curie's key role in the meta is another facet of the theme of "what makes a person a person." She single-handedly displays the differences between robots and synths and through her we get a lot of what we know about the nature of synths and how it feels for her to become one.

But before Curie becomes a synth, she's another example of a rather unique robot. She starts off quite sophisticated and unusually intelligent-- though unlike Codsworth, her unique personality and knowledge were programmed into her, not developed over time. The Vault 81 scientists loaded into her all of the great academic works they had on hand (she lists Kant, Einstein, Born, Darwin, Curie, Faraday, Turing, and Braun) along with her initial capabilities as a medic and a doctor. Also unlike Codsworth, she hasn't become accustomed to the wasteland, nor traumatized by it-- nor does she even have the capability. Curie has spent the past 210 years trapped in the secret section of Vault 81, and since the deaths of the scientists, she has been completely isolated from human contact. Thus, she is incredibly booksmart, while being... quite unprepared for the horrors that greet her in the wasteland outside.

My favorite description I've ever seen of Curie is "a doctor coming to the slow, horrified realization that nobody washes their hands." She has a picture of the world in her mind that's dictated by science, math, logic, reason, and ethics-- and as a still, quite basic robot, she's baffled when reality doesn't match up to this. Just like Sole, she emerges in a world that resembles what she knows and yet is completely strange and oftentimes very hostile-- she's just doing this with the capabilities of a robot reconciling observations against what was literally programmed into her.

I think there's a fandom tendency to infantilize Curie to some degree, or to play up her naivety to the point of farce. But Curie isn't clueless, or stupid. In addition to her scientific knowledge, she has a very firm set of morals and ethics and will speak up or push back if she feels the Sole Survivor is behaving poorly. She is one of the "good" companions who approves of kind acts, and she is a pacifist, if she can help it. She's philanthropic, but also more scientifically-minded than the other "good" companions-- notably, her approvals all lean in favor of helping scientists and supporting the advancement of knowledge. She supports the Minutemen and the Railroad-- but also the Brotherhood of Steel, since their knowledge and preservation of technology strike her as more important than their feelings on synths. She is pro-synth and disapproves of the enslavement or mistreatment of synths, but when the Institute is destroyed, she chiefly expresses sorrow for how much knowledge was lost. She disapproves of Dr. Chambers' cruelty, but dislikes it if you kill her-- cutting short any contributions to science she could have made. Curie is kind, but she's also ambitious, logical, and values "big picture" scientific advancement.

Really, if there was any companion besides X6-88 who could fit an Institute mindset, it's Curie. She has more compassion for people than anyone in the Institute does, but it's interesting to compare her logical, pragmatic beliefs to the faction that has taken them and twisted them to evil purposes. (Am I saying that Curie would make a terrifying villain if she were to slip too far down that road of logic and pragmatism? Maybe I am...)

This pragmatism extends to her desires to become a synth. Curie comes up with the idea mainly because she feels her scientific ambitions cannot be reached unless she feels inspiration, which she's not capable of as a robot. She insists that her new body will allow her to do good for humanity, and to her, this justifies any ethical problems around transferring her into the braindead G5-19 (Curie doesn't understand Glory's hesitation to let her friend's body be used in this way-- because as a robot, she's literally incapable of empathizing with her.) It's only after Curie opens her eyes in her new body that we understand what a stark difference it is, and how many new and frightening things she's feeling for the first time-- emotions, wayward thoughts, urges to breathe and eat and sleep-- hell, fear is a new concept for her. Her robotic brain worked in numbers and data and programming, and all of a sudden she's capable of all these other things that could never be replicated by data. Curie's transition clearly illustrates the difference between a robotic brain and a synth brain- a human brain, for all intents and purposes.

(I've always thought it takes a special kind of dingus to travel with and befriend and even romance Curie and yet still proclaim that synths are "just machines." You'll see PLENTY of them, but boy oh boy, that's quite a load of cognitive dissonance going on there. Or creep, depending on the argument.)

Which leads me to one of the hot-button topics when it comes to Curie: the romance. While Curie's romance does fall under the umbrella of the "Born Sexy Yesterday" trope, I think this aspect of it is a bit overblown. Like I said, there's a real tendency in fandom to infantilize Curie, or make her seem more clueless pwecious uwu cinnamon roll than she really is. But the difference between Curie and most of your standard issue Born Sexy Yesterday waifs is that Curie isn't helpless, nor childlike, nor incapable of standing up for herself. She's both extremely intelligent and fully confident in her morals and beliefs. She asks for the Sole Survivor's support with her emotional transition because she already trusts them as her friend, not because she has no one else or can't handle it on her own. From early on in her affinity convos, Curie expresses attraction to the Sole Survivor, and approaches learning about these new feelings with the same enthusiasm and curiosity that she does everything else. It's her attraction, not begun by the Sole Survivor manipulating her or tricking her into it. I feel like a lot of surface-level descriptions of the romance disregard Curie's agency, as though she's a bubble-headed innocent who's completely vulnerable and clueless about the mere prospects of attraction, romance, or sex.

Now, that said... did Curie have to transfer into the body of a conventionally attractive woman for her plot to work? No. Does her romance scratch the itch for people who like Born Sexy Yesterday? Yeah, probably. Is she designed to be Prime Waifu Material*? Undoubtedly. Is it my cup of tea? Nah. But different strokes for different folks**. I don't think Curie's romance is inherently bad or anyone should feel bad for enjoying it, or her as a character. She's extremely intelligent, cute, and wholesome, and if that's your type, then embrace her!

* Like oh my god, this is video games, Curie's entire character and romance could have been done so much worse.

** And seriously, I'm not about to judge someone for falling in love with the cute waifu-bait romance when I'm over here lusting over Strong Flawed Sad Tragic Himbo Whom I Can Save With My Love.

It ain't like they didn't cater to my tastes, too.

[ms-hells-bells]

I am sort of wallowing in never knowing how I seem from a 3rd persons POV, and as an autist it is driving me insane.

Do you ever have fears of infantilizing more quiet autists around you? I go to a class with mainly autistic men and women and sometimes in group projects I feel like I excessively make sure those who are quiet are comfortable which I fear makes them even more uncomfortable. I was once the shy and quiet autist who never really spoke unless spoken to, and even then I stuttered and mirrored. But now as I am trying to break out of it I fear I overwhelm those around me by being overbearing...

i think you are overthinking things, partially from female socialisation. i spent my entire childhood terrified of accidentally bothering people, which i guess i did often, i wasn't treated well. but eventually, you just have to be comfortable being yourself, whihc may include straight up asking people if they're okay. they likely understand considering that they're also autistic and know that it can be hard to know what people are thinking or feeling. i know i'd appreciate honest checking rather than someone being unnecessarily nervous.

you don't need to 'break out', if the quiet, reclusive type is more naturally you. reaching out to others and socialising is important for health, but you can do it in a way that feels right to you, and with however your personality is. maybe playing boardgames with quiet friends, maybe chatting about stuff you care about with a more outgoing person, etc. generally, i just do what i like while remembering general etiquette, and if someone tells me that i'm doing something that's making them uncomfortable, i'll change my behaviours, but until they SAY so, there's no point overthinking every action and word.

[sulkybbarnes]

I just saw your post about misinterpreting characters. It was tagged with Adam and Bucky (two of my favorite fictional characters) and though I feel like that when I sometimes read fanfics, I can never just put my finger on it and I'd love to read your take on it!

Oh lord where do I even start... alright, this might get long so apologies in advance, but I have nearly a decade’s worth of thoughts on this. The short answer is: both characters often get severely over simplified, stripped away from essential characteristics, and their understandable reaction to their respective trauma gets overlooked in order to make them more “palatable” and to favor other characters in fics. 

The long answer: 

Let’s start with Adam Parrish. We meet Adam when he’s only 17 years old and we learn that he is an abuse survivor who comes from severe poverty, and along the way we witness trauma that leads to Adam having a disability, and later on learnt hat Adam is bisexual. Adam’s character is very realistic to someone in his position, so that he’s flawed and has issues to work through as the series goes along. These issues are presented at the start of the series through two unreliable narrators: Gansey who is proud and often self-victimizing, and Adam himself who is very introspective and lives in fear of turning into his father. Thus the characteristics the text gives us is that Adam is “cold and calculating” which is courtesy of Gansey, and that Adam is lonesome and prone to anger/arguing with his friends which is Adam’s own worries and insecurities manifesting in his chapters. And yes sure Adam at the start is -understandably- angry with the world at large and feels as if he’s ten steps behind everyone and playing catch-up, but he’s also visibly self-aware and constantly trying to curb any anger and moderate his reactions (even when they’re justified). The book also shows us through actions that Adam is sweet and thoughtful from how he acts around Blue, and shows that he develops as the books go on to be more aware of his actions, more confident in his own goodness, and more willing to show love and allow himself to be loved in return. The later books (BLLB, TRK, Opal story, CDTH) all show an Adam who is kind (his interactions with Opal), thoughtful (his constant thinking about Ronan’s feelings and not wanting to act before he knows he’s as serious/sure about them as Ronan is), a good friend (I’m just gonna.. gesture at the whole Blue/Gansey thing and how gracefully Adam handled it when they didn’t even deign to give him the benefit of the doubt), and a very loving person (which we see in his every interaction with Ronan from TRK onwards). So that’s Adam Parrish, complex and flawed but inherently a good person and a good character. 

However, Fanon Adam Parrish is a different story all together because he is often stripped to whatever bare essentials would serve the fic he is in. SO, in fandom you see an Adam who is either cruel and cold, as to serve some infantilizing hurt angsty version of Ronan. You see an Adam who is angry and prone to lashing out, to serve posts about Gansey being an angel who’s faultless and constantly hurt by his friends. You see an Adam who is disrespectful and hurtful to serve posts about why it was okay for Blue and Gansey to behave the way they did to him. Or on the complete opposite end, you get an Adam who is demure, shy, and almost disgustingly helpless to serve in a fic where he needs saving or some misguided hurt/comfort thing. Adam also often gets stripped away in the latter fics from any rightful anger or sharpness that relates to his trauma. Said anger is treated as something that makes him an unlovable or annoying character (you can find these takes everywhere in trc fandom), and therefore people need to overlook it to make him more palatable to them. Adam’s anger, as we see in CDTH, is often turned inwards and is an on-going struggle for him because it still feels at times as him against the world. It’s one of the best things about his character if you ask me, because it is what he grows out of the most, and what he continues to face and develop against. This trait makes him human and shows his vulnerability. Adam in canon is touch starved and loves fiercely, but in fanon the anger he displays gets used to paint him as unfeeling or constantly angry. Even though Adam shows anger only as much as any other character in the series, and often in a way less explosive (Ronan) or hurtful (Gansey) or entitled (Blue) manner. And so the point is that fandom takes away the complexity that makes Adam Parrish who he is, and molds him into whatever is easiest to digest and shove into a box that works better for the other characters. Adam’s development and arc get completely overlooked most of the time. He is often misinterpreted as one shallow thing, when he is a beautiful mix of emotions that make him Adam Parrish, and make him endearingly and painfully human and real.

Bucky Barnes, my original fave guy, follows strongly along the same lines. All you have to do is change names and events from what I said before and you’ll get how fandom treats Bucky. What I adore about Buck’s character is that he was established instantly as fiercely loyal, loving, fun, a good friend, and someone who is so important to Steve that we see Steve take on a suicide mission to get to Bucky. The progression of the other movies deals with Buck’s trauma and shows all the new aspects to his character that stem from said trauma, while maintaining the undercurrent of goodness and humor that we saw from pre-war Bucky. But once again, the complexity of Bucky’s character and his storyline; the trauma, the PTSD, and the fact that m*rvel never lets him heal, all boils down to fandom only choosing what they find palatable about Bucky and leading with that. I have less to say about this only because I’ve been a fan for too long, and have learned to conduct myself so that I don’t run into upsetting posts anymore, and read fics with a tone and characterization that works for me, but there’s a lot of content out there that strips Buck of his characteristics so much that he might as well be an OC. I will say that you might get more leeway with content based on a movie, than you do with content based on a book (where everything is glaringly obvious in the text), but I still have to roll my eyes at most content I see for Bucky, where he’s either helpless and waiting for someone to save (did we watch the same movies??), innocent and naive in how he conducts himself (...did we watch the same movies?!), or he’s unflinchingly cool and cold and unfeeling (seriously, DID WE WATCH THE SAME MOVIES?!). So once again the endpoint is that Bucky’s misinterpretation comes from a shallow understanding of his character, or complete lack of care about how he’s portrayed so that only one trait -whatever is needed for a fic or a post- is central and amplified while everything else he is falls away. I’m not pretentious enough to say that people can’t just have fun with a character and write whatever they want about it, because they absolutely can.. I’m just saying that it’s not my cup of tea and I wouldn’t read it. In fact, I only made a couple of attempts years ago at writing Bucky myself and then decided that I would rather read well-written things about him, than try and get it right myself because I’d get all in my emotions about his character. 

Tl;dr The theme of having your autonomy taken away and fighting like hell to get it back, and remaining good along the way is what makes both Adam and Bucky so close to my heart. Their respective trauma and complexity is what makes me love them both a lot, and I wish fandom didn’t often strip them away of their complexity to make them easier for fandom to digest.

[dzpenumbra]

10/18/22

Today was an absolute clusterfuck. After I wrote my journal last night, and recovered from the panic attack I had while writing it, I proofread it a few times. Like 4 times. And studied it. I went to text my mom and thought it was probably a bit too early to bother her. I ended up calling around 9:30. I was still kinda high and super sleep deprived. I told her about the panic attack, my theory on what caused it, what it was protecting me from. The vet. And... she connected it to medical stuff. Because we both share medical trauma. I won't share her trauma, that's hers to disclose, but mine was the whole getting kicked in the shin at a metal show and a week later going to the ER and the ER docs demanding I choose between exploratory surgery to free the clot (which could kill me instantly if they fucked it up) or to take off my right leg at the knee. Like... amputate.

So... yeah, I do have medical trauma. And problems with bad experiences with doctors. But it doesn't really control me too much. Right now, this one is way worse.

Hearing about hers, and seeing how wide it had spread. It was a lot to carry. I don't fault her for sharing at all, and I made a point to address that with her. It's very special and personal. But at the moment, not unlike the moment I'm in now... I was very hypersensitive. And the combination of traumas kinda just crashed the system. Her intentions were to meet me in the middle, to be vulnerable with me to make me feel safe and not alone. And it worked, but the carrying her emotions on top just kinda did me in. I was too sensitive. So it was really tricky to work through, and it triggered a few more panic attacks.

I'm guessing I'm kinda in a PTSD episode or something. It's hard to describe. I'm very very emotionally sensitive. So much that I didn't "risk" smoking tonight.

I'm trying to... "protect" myself from negative entertainment, which feels like trying to protect a child or something. I feel very infantile, vulnerable, weak. The shame from feeling this way just compounds it, makes me feel like people are going to be mean to me or lecture me because of it. Because I'm a grown man, you know? Not supposed to have feelings. You shove that shit down, man, don't be a pussy. What, you're afraid of confronting the biggest loss you've ever suffered? Don't be a baby. Just go to the vet.

So... my mom tried to help her best, but I don't think she's remotely used to dealing with emotions. Not sure if she ever learned. It is what it is. So... really... I'm kinda just daydreaming right now of having a girlfriend who's down to hold my hand and rub my back and let me put my head on her lap. And to tell me everything's going to be okay. I had that once. And as horrible as everything else was... as much as I'd never go back... that memory is just running clearly in my head right now. I miss that, and I would never have gotten through those moments in one piece without that.

It's all I really want in life, really. Genuine caring, emotional comfort, affection. Love. Fuck money, fuck fame, fuck degrees, fuck accomplishments. I just want to sit by a river on a summer day with someone who I can look right in the eye and know is exuberantly loving that moment as much as I am. There's no place else they'd rather be. That's all I want.

So yeah, I got like a 3 hour nap in since I last wrote. I'm using the tincture tonight. I've been super anxious all fucking day/night. Like constant. I poked my head around a corner and locked eyes with Grief again. And it is manifesting much more fear-focused than depression-focused this time. I'm sure the lack of sleep is helping....

I put on a nightlight. I want to be a jerk and bully myself because of that too. My thoughts just go so fast when I'm anxious, it's hard to keep up with them. I guess I keep going back to that. Being a really sensitive person.

I'm watching a streamer who... isn't. At all. And it's on like 24/7 because he's doing a subathon. He can be hilariously funny, and very smart, but I'm afraid the vibes he puts off might be fucking with me a bit. It's hard, because I really got pulled into his storylines he's been building, and I really want to see them resolve... But I might have to just... find other media to consume for a bit. Mix it up. Something a bit more emotionally friendly. So maybe that's where my inner bully is feeding from.

I project that so much, and I really want to just chill with it. It's really hard. Like... that fantasy in your head that if you get on stage at a microphone at an open mic night and sing a solo guitar song... somehow you're gonna fuck it up so bad that everyone boos and you have to run out beet-red? Somehow? That kind of social anxiety. Projecting your inner critic/bully - who is literally doing that to you in that moment - onto complete strangers, assuming they're going to act that way. It's hard to shake.

And seeing bad people in the world... it just... reinforces that voice. That it's right, people will act that way.

Fuck, I just have to get around good people. And have good social experiences. I keep ending up around people who just like... throw me under the bus. And I think I'm bad at reading it, seeing it coming or something. So... maybe I'm subconsciously practicing? Studying?

This time of year is usually pretty rough. Lots of difficult anniversaries, and a birthday. This type of thing does tend to happen this time of year, I get a lot more worried and focused on planning... I think, I don't know, I haven't really explored this much. I always felt like it would just turn into a crutch like it does for most people. "I'm just like this this time of year, so deal with it", that kinda thing. I guess it's all in your intentions, in the end.

I'm actually fading. I'm beyond tired. I'm going to try to sleep in the dark tonight. With a salt lamp on, to hopefully make me feel more safe. I really don't feel safe anymore. It's a problem. We'll see what comes in one month. Yep, giant adrenaline spike just thinking about moving, too.

This just feels like exhaustion all around. Mental, physical, emotional, spiritual. I'm just... tired. And feel very vulnerable, so I'm very scared. And alone. And all I'd really like is just to like... have someone man the helm while I take a break and recover, protected and helped. With someone at my back. Not just... when I sleep, everyone sleeps. When I sleep, I'm just vulnerable. My body is alone, watched over only by a cat. I'm unconscious, anything could happen. It's... a tough one. But one with no easy fixes, in my life.

Sorry for having it just be darkness and blah tonight. I really just need some positive people time. I'm supposed to go to an art gallery with my mom tomorrow, and I hope I rest up and we do. I need more positive memories, and I need to see the good in the world. And create a bit more.

Crazy to think that my birthday - possibly one of the coolest moments I've had in my life - was just 5 days ago. And I've fallen so far. It's like... once you've had a taste of what life should be like every day? It just makes it so much harder not to have it when you really need it.

So, if you have any spare good vibes to send my way, I'd really appreciate it. I'm in a dark, scary place. And when I recover, I will be more than glad to repay the favor. And throw in some cool art and music, too - to make up for the awkwardness of messaging a stranger. Sound like a deal?