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kristalpepsi · 4 years ago

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Temptation Stairway Thoughts™ + Theory Discussion

TW: blood + Death mentions, Implied (forced/pushed) integration (systems), racism (against asians), unreality stuff bc the show is Like That, Trauma causd by therapy

TL;DR = I mainly talk about implied integration, n as some1 in a system tht! mkes me uncomfy! I mainly will talk abt wht I’m calling the multi-ena theory (n anothr theory ill call the Multiple/Multi-Enaverse Theory) thts been popping up n disccng how thts kind of the bggst thng keepng me on board! I won’t LIE I might b a little biased bc I rlly do like thise show b I am NOT blind so I will try 2 address som things. I also talk alot abt the Shepard n Phindol bc I love themb so much they make me very heart Big.

DISCLAIMERS:

Obviously Joel G Highkey/definitely/most probbly did not intend 4 any of thise, but media is very complic8d so u cn end up accidntlly making problmtc things or implyng not great things

I hav a typing quirkkkk so if u cant understand my post I rlly dont blame u! I’m sorry how I type is Incomprehensible™

Not an angry post, more like my brain is holding me host-ge until i talk abt everyth dskfjhd!!

DO NOT Send anyone in thise post hate or angry asks/messages or perish by my sword

OK so this recnt episde has me w vry vry mixd feelngs!!! I’m both happy n exctd! b litrlly 2 things is whts bothrng me. While I CLD jst say :I Am Lookng Away: i rlly do need 2 write it down. Under a Read-more bc im secure SKSJ

Part 0: I’m uncomfortable help

The Section wher i tlk abt n bring up othr ppl’s concerns

So fr most if nt all the frnds I hav who also wtch Ena ALSO has a vry “vr vry mixd feelngs now tht I’ve seen the episde!!” mood twrds Temptation Stairway! It’s 4 a bunch of rsns, like thise post (tw racism) mde by a frnd whch brings up a good point

Part 1: The Actual Intro

Episode 1 = Auction day (AD) Episode 2 = Extinction Party (EP) Episode 3 = Tempation Stairway (TS)

Who is Ena

Ena can b describd as an "abstract girl split in half, w 1 blue side n the other is her yellow side!" Each side (emotion/mood, 2 b specific) seems 2 hav their own voic actor credited along with seper8 credits 4 each mood! So far the canon sides r Ena (happy), Ena (sad), n Ena (drunk)! They seem 2 act accordingly: Happy acts happy n optimistc, Sad acts sad n especlly depressd, n Drunk acts confused n dizzy [In the Credits, it would look like thise: Ena (happy) by Gabe V., Ena (sad) by Lizzie Freeman, (drunk) Ena by Sam Meza

4 Episodes 1-2, thy follow thise pattern exctly! So we cn expect wht 2 see from them, n each voice actor is creditd accordngly as seper8 b all a part of Ena

On epside 3, Ena is seen as actng diffrnt!! She's suddnly less predictabl! I say thise bc Suddenly, her voic Actors r not stuck 2 Only their sides. Thise is also emphasized when looking at the credit list! No longer is it "Ena (happy) by Gabe V., Ena (sad) by Lizzie Freeman" it's now jst "ENA by Gabe V. and Lizzie Freeman"

Happy's voic can sound STRESSED n sad, Happy can tlk w Blue's side in mor control n Sad's voic can sound Really happy n optimistic. Somth's Diffrnt n Not The Same

Temptation Stairway Summary

Skipping 2 my point, The summary of the episode Temptation stairway is tht Moony and Ena have a bet 2 race 2 the Great Runas! The Great Runas, can grnt u any wish accordng 2 Moony n som of those Ena passes by on the wy. The wager, is tht "whoever reaches the top of the Great Runas n makes their wish 1st, has 2 pay the debts of the loser" (yes it’s phrased like that) As Ena journeys thru, The DIFFERENCES between Ena Temptation Stairway and Ena Extinction Party n Below, is mor obvious as the epsde progrsses, even 2 wher Happy's voic actor is the 1 screamng in agony 2 jst get murdered already. The Episode ends w Moony beatng Ena (but it's 100% possibl it can be the other way arnd, that ENA Beat Moony, b thats somth I'll discuss in a bit L8r). Moony splits in half, revealing that according 2 her, "she wished 2 be skinny" n a humanoid coms out of her previous form. As 4 Ena, Her blue side slowly dispprs n its not answrd why.

Theories so far, are:

Moony wished 4 Ena 2 b happy (or 4 her sad/blu side 2 go awy. 4 wht reason can b eithr wholsom or 2 Moony's advntge [like so she "doesnt have 2 deal w Sad Ena"]) - b if Moony wished 4 Ena 2 b happy/b rid of her sad side, tht wld mean perhaps she lied about wishing 2 be skinny (her new humanoid form may be how she is "paying her debt 2 the loser"). Unless the Runas can grant u more than 1 wish.

Ena ws the 1 who wished her blu side awy, whch is a little depressng tbh

If both the above r tru, it may b possibl bc it wsnt clarified (afaik) tht the great runas can only grant ONE person a wish (or more). I think we only get tht implica8ion bc we see 1 (open) door while in the distance, ther r more doors tht look like their eyes r closed. We hav 2 remembr Moony said "whoever makes their wish 1st whch means Ena n Moony can totlly mke wishes @ the sme time

Somhow, turning pure yellow/only happy is how Moony is payng her debt 2 Ena(??) (opposite 2 the 1st theory)

OR If Ena won the race, it can even b possibl 2 consider tht Ena did not make ANY wish, n her debt 2 pay 2 Moony is her sad/blue side removed (I do not subscribe 2 thise)

This info that was brought up 2 me is high evidenc that Moony won the race, n it explains how Moony surprises Ena whn Ena arrives. “I’m The Best and you’re the worst! I wonder who got the hair chest?” said by Ena, is a direct reference 2 a phrase usd by kids when they lose that goes “First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the hairy chest.”

“Whoever reaches the top of the Great Runas n makes their wish 1st, has 2 pay the debts of the loser.“ Might be phrased tht way as a weird way 2 pay 4 ur greed? (Last minute addition from me since some people wld think this is quoted wrong in and outside of the youtube comments)

i'm p sure ther may even b mor theories b i dont rmmbr them OOPS

Part 2: The Implied Integration Part AKA: How the System!Ena theory is affected by this episode

TW: Final fusion discussion, medical trauma (Is that the right word)

Disclaimer: This is 100% unintended by Joel G. That’s y the Alternative title 2 thise part is “How the System!Ena theory is affected by this episode”

2 GET IN2 the whole Implied Integr8ion part of my Essay™ I hav a theory calld system ena or sys!ena! (Check out my #system ena tag. This is in chronologicl order!) While thers no canon explan8ion 4 how Ena herslf is how she is, she mkes very intrstng n almst good accdntl Sys Represent8ion 2 me! They even show cofronting rlly well! I headcanon Ena as a system bc of the accidentl system!rep, but it explains 2 me y n how she switches! she has triggers 4 when she switchs 2 a diffrnt side, etc!

Ther hav been theories about Temptation Stairway in the past (before the episode cme out) wher ppl try 2 explain y the trailer Looks Like Tht. Besides theorizing abt the introduction of a new forme (I'm ok w just calling it Scared/Anxiety 4 now until 4rthr notic), 1 of the theories ive seen is tht Temptation Stairway's new introduced forme is due 2 being something akin 2 being "integr8d" (probably by force, accordin 2 the OP) (in other words, all her sides merge in2 one) n Ena being devast8td abt it

While tht theory is now DEBUNKED, bc the new forme clearly did not come out bc of being One Single Mind now, the "integr8ion" part of tht theory is unfortun8ly a littl tru

What is Integr8ion?

Integr8ion is not inherently a bad thing. In systems, ther are 2 definitions: "the breaking down of barriers 2 form healthy multiplicity, n then healthy communic8ion n less amnesiac barriers" and the othr, n mor FAMOUS definition bc its the oldest 1, is "final fusion"

Fnal Fusion is when all the members "fuse/merge" 2gether until ther is 1 single mind left. While not necssrlly a bad thng, final fusion n ther4 "integr8ion" is a scry thing 4 a lot of systems 2 talk abt, because in the history of Treatment, Final fusion is uslly somthng forcd on2 systems 4 the longest time :^(

Very valid 2 hav final fusion as a goal, b showng it as a desire n end goal is uslly seen as a sad n even scry thing 2 promote accdntly or not in media, bc of the previous traumas in the medicl/therapy world of system treatment etc

What's Worse. is tht if we apply the Ending 2 Temptation Stairway to the System!Ena Theory, thts wht hurts!!!

Scrolling back up 2 the possibl theories of who won the race and wht happened aftr, Either Moony or Ena wishing 4 the blue side/Sad Ena 2 go awy is rlly painful!

B I'll be honest, thts a RLLY biased n personal opinion i hav!! I've seen ppl think its rlly wholsom altho a bit Sad, tht the blue side disappears. I've seen ppl think its rlly sweet esp if it was Moony who mde tht wish

BSCLLY If I were to hold on2 the System!Ena headcanon while watchng the Temptation Stairway episode, its Hurtful, not rlly bc of the implied Integr8ion of Sides, but bc most top theories r that the blue side disappeard on Purpose either from Moony or Ena wishing her away or involvng the debt! It's like asking 4 ur sibling irl 2 Disappear and cease 2 exist. it's scary n rlly sad esp whn the audienc can c tht Sad, Happy, n Drunk cn almst b seen as their own persons n mite even b abl 2 interact w each othr (as seen by the many fanart of Happy n Sad having their own seper8 forms)

Ok so Now tht ive described my intro n Main Beef w the Episode, here's a theory I cn rlly get behind tht dsnt mke me wnna cry behind a Denny's. Prsnlly it's a rlly relievng theory even if it mite b hard 2 take in

Ther's no name 4 it, som call it the Enaverse, b just so it dsnt get confusd w other definitions (like, u wldnt call it the Marvel Cinematic Universe theory, the MCU is jst wht it is) I'm gnna call it the Multi-Ena theory! Bsclly, there's mor than 1 Ena in thise universe. But I'll get in2 a sub/partner theory tht is also possibl: ther is mor than 1 enaverse n somhow u may or may not b abl 2 travel between them

Part 3: The Multi-Ena theory

Something interesting I noticed was that the shepherds says “another ENA troublemaker?” Which definitely means more than one ENA/person has been there before.

(I blockd out the rest of the commnt not bc it ws bad, b i wantd 2 focus on this part of the commnt, but thise commnt will come up again L8r)

Not connected 2 System!Ena or the integr8ion issue I mentioned earlier, the multi-ena theory seems 2 b 1 of the top suggstd theories bc of many thngs! Bsclly n in short, thise theory believs tht in the series (or Enaverse), ther is multipl ena's! So fr i havent seen a post tht RLLY went in2 depth on thise so here is my attempt!

Evidence:

(See: above explanation on how the voic actors r credited 4 their roles individlly 2 explain my system!ena theory/intro) In episodes 1-2, Ena's diffrnt emotions/sides r creditd individually! In Temptation Stairway, Gabe n Lizzie Freeman r all creditd undr the sme nme, just as "Ena" (mening thise is a completely different Ena from the past)

Again, as said in my summry 4 Tempt8ion Stairway, thise Ena acts compltly diffrnt n is not follwng the sme "pattern" or rules as Ena did in Episodes 1-2! (Read above in my summary section) Either ther r stuff we've missd between Extinction Party n Temptation Stairway, or thise is a diffrnt Ena entirely. I'd hav 2 sy prsnlly tht I'm leanng 2wrds the latter bc of how the VA's are crdtd. but if ur not convinced, let me continu:

When we meet the Shepard in 7:52 of the episode, they say (verbatim) "Arghh... Another ENA trouble maker." which implies there r more than 1 Ena's

9:08 - 9:19 when Ena jumps in2 the "Holy Code" where we head undrwtr in2 a sea of diffrnt doors, we see floating Ena models (n the comment section seems 2 gravit8 2 callng them "dead bodies") (Honorary mention: You'll notic they glitch in2 Mannequins if u pay attention 2 them). This piec of info is Direct Evidence 2 the multi-ena theory, bc ther r Explicitly mor thn 1 ena's on screen! wht's concernng n unanswrd tho, is y do they glitch in2 mannequins? Does tht mean all the mannequins we sw on screen in the begnng of the video (n onwards) were all previously an Ena? Is it only an Ena tht can transform in2 a mannequin or cn othr chrctrs also become mannequins?

Not the strongst evidenc b i'll input it anywy: Ena's Action boxes (Like when she receivs or gives items) spell her nme her as ƎNA (with a backwrds E). The thing abt thise 1 is tht we can't compare it with Auction Day n Extinction Part bc they don't have any action boxes. BUT What we CAN compare is how she is spelled in the dialogue boxes of those speakng in diffrnt languages AND in the Credits! In Episodes 1-2, She's Spelled as Ena with this captialis8ion. In Temptation Stairway the dialogue and credits consitntly spell her as ENA in all caps. May or may not allude 2 her being diffrnt, b i will admit this is the most Strechiest piec of evidnc. Tru or not, I'd like 2 refer 2 Tempt8ion Stairway ena as TS!Ena or ƎNA, prsnlly 2 differenti8 her frm the othr episodes

Pronounci8ion: BUT 2 build on the above evidence, In the beginning of the episode, Moony DOES pronounc Ena's name in different wys a lot, startng w I-NA (ai-na), ENA (ehna), n finally JENA. And this isnt new! She’s been doing it sinc Auction Day (ee-nah/ii-na) n Extinction Party (ay-nah). Thise may or my not sggst that perhaps Moony's inconsistancy is bc these othr pronunci8ions or names cld b of other ena's she's met in the past w similr or diffrnt preferences! I’d say because of her constant switchng in the beginning of Temptation Stairway, it would lean 2wards that she may know different Ena’s @ once. Otherwise, c the Multi-Enaverse theory below

Note: Every othr charctr besides Moony (So far; Merci and the Shepard) Pronounces Ena as ehna (or ehna) so it might be that perhaps Eh-na is the universal way of pronouncng Ena?

Conlusions/thghts on this theory: I prsnlly like thise a lot!! It makes Enasonas Very Possible, b also tht any interpret8ion of Ena cn b corrct or possibl! It knda saddens me tho bc im not rlly sure if we'll ever return 2 the Ena we're used 2, I wldnt rlly want 2 b stuck w/o Sad bc I thnk her role is rlly neat n can b importnt, b im biasd. I also rlly subscribe 2 thise theory bc it means whtvr happend 2 TS!Ena ds not hav 2 be permanent in the long run; Again litrlly the only thng keepng me from gettng supr upset abt the ending of Temptation Stairway, is tht the prev ena’s r not the sme n wld possibly not do thise, or tht ther r othr ena’s out ther besides THISE episod 1, who wld nvr do tht, etc

Part 4: The Multiple Enaverses/Multi-Enaverse Theory AKA The Alternative In Defense of Moony Mispronouncing Ena’s name over and over

An alterntve 2 the Multi-Ena theory, is tht there is MORE thn 1 Enaverse! So bsclly, a multiverse theory. Primarily thise my explain Not jst Ena's sudden Shift in how diffrnt she is in thise episode b may also explain how Diffrnt Moony is actng in thise episode 2. While thise isnt the top theory i prsnlly subscribe 2 (sinc ther isnt explicit evidence besides it bein an explan8ion 4 Moony n Ena's weird/diffrnt behavior), it DOES open a lot of doors 2 intrstng things 2 thnk abt!

Bsclly Moony keeps mispronouncing Ena’s name a lot (in Tempation Stairway) n its Really Rude, esp consdrng she’s always said it properly (As in @ least 1nce in an episode n not switchng multiple times) b4! so 2 Explain her Sudden change in behavior, this is actlly a Different Moony, besides a different Ena. this is a whole different universe/timeline!

LIKE If not multiple Ena's, The different Loca8ions in Ena cn probbly b traversible across dimensions! The Holy Code may b the door 2 diffrnt enaverses. The Shepard's garden cld b an interdimensionl place tht is singular n deals w diffrnt beings passing thru! While i dnt hav mch 2 sy on thise, its RLLY Interestng 2 thnk abt

Like the Multi-Ena theory, thise also opens the doors 2 enasonas being vry possibl :^) Som ppl's evidences r all involvng Moony besides how Ena's rlly diffrnt

Moony can skateboard??

Moony's square shape hole can shrink 2 hold an item

while not strong ATM or frm wht i cn see, its still very inch restng!!! Tho I would sy it is VERY on par w the Multi-Ena theory anyway

Part 5: Honorary Mentions: Mini Theories

The Great Runas is actlly a play on the "Run As" Command! I'm not very Smart engh 2 break thise down vry well, b bsclly w all the allusion 2 "codes" n the Blood ID looking like a Chip, The Great Runas being abl 2 grant u wishes makes a lot of sense! This ws brought up 2 me from a friend (@ambercard)!

like its a command line. so then the great runas being able to grant wishes makes sense if its digital world like all the code stuff says Allows a user to run specific tools and programs with different permissions than the user's current logon provides.

Runas is a command-line tool that is built into Windows Vista. To use runas at the command line, open a command prompt, type runas with the appropriate parameters, and then press ENTER.

In the user interface for Windows Vista, the Run as… command has been changed to Run as administrator. However, you should rarely have to use the Run as administrator command because Windows Vista will automatically prompt you for an administrator password when it is needed.

and my friend who i was talking to said that probably explains what the password was for and the blood id being a login or something?

its possible using the blood id akin to using the run as administrator command since idk their name but one of the people ena met said the blood id didnt seem like her which is like. if she isnt administrator then it would make sense that using that command wouldnt match who she is

My response:

man do u realiz Ena uslly does not hav the corrct passwrd/admin privileges all the tme? Bc the guardian entity in extinction party askd her 4 1 b i guess it ws so Low Game tht it wsnt supr necsrry in the end

The Enaverse is all a computer code of some sort- most probbaly a game! AKA: This is a digital world

... If we were too treat this world as a video game this would make more sense since different play through bus and all that. Oh god this feels like a fnaf situation, taking a video that just wants to be a video and turning it into a big serious thing

Going with the whole ‘there are multiple enas representing the player’ theory, perhaps this ENA realized that she’s in a video game and isn’t taking it too well? But the game is kind of glitching out because of it.

Honorable Mentions: Random Info + Unanswered Questions

Ena seems self-aware of smth! (10:24 Ena screams "YOU'RE ALL LIVING A LIE!") May help the Run as command idea n the video game/digital reality idea! If not a video gme, they sure r Somewhere

What does the Great Runas look like?? is it the door? is ther mor thn 1 Runas?

What is Mariya n Gabo's Job? R they just like the Guardian Entity in Extinction Party but are assignd 2 this part/location of where they are?

In 6:30, wht does Ulysses mean by "Desires r never fulfilled nor quenched"? "You Will fail like the rest of them" Is he referring 2 the other Ena's that's passed by? who else have come n failed?

This Post Also brings up som good points I hvnt noticd yet!

Thise comment pretty much says everythng:

Standout things from this animation:

-This Ena switches between a male & female voice at seemingly random instead Happy speaking with a male voice and Sad speaking with a Sad voice. The text boxes noticeably refer to this Ena with a reversed E, and The Shepard says "Another Ena troublemaker", implying that there are multiple Enas. We also see some Ena corpses flickering into the mannequin bodies at one point. Third, at the end we see Ena's sad half turn from blue to yellow over the course of Ena & Moony's conversation. My personal theory is that this Ena is possibly 'broken' in some manner. -Moony either doesn't care or dosen't realize that Ena's voices aren't matching the personalities anymore. -The grey personality appears to come out when Ena gets too stressed out. Notably the transformation involves the happy half turning into static and exploding out, erasing Ena's face in the process. It also appears that some physical trauma (in this case, Brick Frog kicking Ena) is necessary to exit the grey personality, unlike the previously seen 'blackout' personalities which can possibly be switched by the other personality exerting themselves (in the auction episode, Ena enters her sad blackout/depressed personality, then switches to Happy!Ena, who apologizes to Moony about her depressed outburst). -Moony's hole is capable of closing to hold things, and she also knows how to skateboard. -Judging by Ena's reaction, Moony's transformation at the end is weird even by this universe's standards.

aaaand thats all 4 now! I really hope thats all my brain can think of skjsdhfsdfkh

Feel free 2 send me asks abt Ena theories n stuff! While this is a Comprehensiv post, it’s definitely mor focused on the Multi-Ena theory n my thghts on the episode whn it comes 2 how it affects the System Ena theory. I’m open 2 questions!!

Last Edit: Feb 19 2021 (GMT +8)

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sisterssafespace · 3 years ago

Note

السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته

recently i’ve been struggling a lot. i was diagnosed with depression, anxiety and bpd not too long ago now. but, i have been struggling so much with bearing it all? i haven’t told my family anything as i’ve told a few close friends. so, i cannot blame my family for the fact i’m very emotionally volatile. even though, i know i’m struggling i keep pushing people away & maybe it’s the embarrassment? the shame? that my anxiety attacks are coming back & they’re more frequent, more painful & so much easier to trigger now. i feel like i have this huge secret that i’m carrying around & it fills me with shame. i know mental health isn’t something to be ashamed of but, in a way i’m the one in my family who can do it all? so, the fact i’m struggling so much that i cry in my room a lot of the time whilst they all are chatting away fills me with sadness? i’ve never been close to my family so, it’s been this way for a long time. i’m very independent but to a fault even when i need help i won’t reach out to anyone. i know i have Allāh swt who will help me through anything & everything. but, i don’t know i feel overwhelmed i feel horrible every moment i’m alone my eyes tear up and i begin to cry because i’m hurting so much. sometimes the world feels so unbearable like i cannot go on any longer but then i remember [2:286]. sometimes, i feel as though i’m not cut of for this world it brings me so much pain & suffering. do not me wrong, i am blessed with so much but in my heart there is a lot of sadness & pain. i feel so weak the days are passing by & with each other my resolve to carry on gets weaker too. i have been referred to therapy & to take some medication but i have no time to go i have no will power to get up & seek treatment. it feels like i’m watching myself slowly wither away with each passing day. i try to make dhikr to distract myself but i end up having an anxiety attack because all i can think about is how i’m a bad muslim. that Allāh swt loves me so much He is putting me through these battles to strengthen me but, i cannot even handle them. i honestly see myself wishing that i could just disappear sometimes. - 🌊

بسم الله الرحمان الرحيم،

قال الله تعالى في سورة القصص :

وَأَوْحَيْنَا إِلَىٰ أُمِّ مُوسَىٰ أَنْ أَرْضِعِيهِ ۖ فَإِذَا خِفْتِ عَلَيْهِ فَأَلْقِيهِ فِي الْيَمِّ وَلَا تَخَافِي وَلَا تَحْزَنِي ۖ إِنَّا رَادُّوهُ إِلَيْكِ وَجَاعِلُوهُ مِنَ الْمُرْسَلِينَ

We revealed this to Moses' mother: 'Suckle him, but when you fear for him cast him into the water. Neither fear, nor sorrow because We shall restore him to you and make him among the Messengers.'

[ Qur'an 28:7 ]

و عليكم السلام و رحمة الله و بركاته 🌸

My dear sister, I started my answer with an ayah about one of my favorite stories in the Quran that is the story of how Musa (as)'s mother had to let him go as a newborn and throw him into the river (to save his life) because Allah swt told her (inspired her to do) so. This story is also mentioned in surat Ta Ha (20) - the surah that I love to call my anti-anxiety pill - but I chose this ayah from surat Al-Qasas for the precise words that Allah swt orders to Musa's mother :

ولا تخافي و لا تحزني | Do not fear nor sorrow (grieve)

The grammatical structure for these phrases is : Prohibition "النهي" which means that Allah swt orders you against doing that thing, it is not a request, it is not a piece of advice, it is actually stronger than that. It is prohibited that you give into your fear (i.e. anxiety) or fall into sorrow, saddness (i.e. depression). The same structure is used when Allah swt spoke to sayyidah Maryam (Mary as), when she was in labor and she was all alone, scared, confused, in pain, she even wished for death,

فَنَادَاهَا مِنْ تَحْتِهَا أَلَّا تَحْزَنِي

But (a voice) cried to her from beneath the (palm-tree): "Grieve not!"

[Quran 19:24]

I personally support and adapt the tafaseer that explain this as that Allah swt loves, appreciates and cares for the women and the girls of the believers so much that He swt prohibits them to feel sad or anxious. - But we will get back to this later in the answer, in shaa Allah.

Now let's go back to the beginning. I have 3 main ideas, let me bullet them not to forget anything:

1) The diagnosis: You said, my beautiful sister, that you were diagnosed not too long ago, with 3 mental health issues. So I take it a shrink/ psychiatrist diagnosed you. And then what? it is not enough to have a diagnosis, what is more important is to have a plan, i.e. therapy. It is important to identify the issue but it is more important to figure out how to deal with that issue. Sis, you need professional help. That ache in your heart and those worries, those thoughts in your mind they won't just disappear on their own. You need therapy. 🥺🥺. Which brings me to point number 2:

2) Asking for help: There is a story that I heard somewhere, a long time ago, but is so iconic that it stayed with me. One time this man's boat drowned. And he was fighting for his life in the middle of the ocean, and he asked God to save him, after a while a boat passed by and stopped for him, they wanted to rescue him but he said " no I don't need you, I have God, He will save me", so the boat moved on. And the man made duāa again and asked God to rescue him. After another while, another boat approach him, and they wanted to rescue him. Again, he declined and said " I have God, He will save me " so they went away. Eventually, the man got tired and couldn't do it anymore. He drowned. After he died, he asked God why didn't you save me? I was waiting for you to rescue you me.. and God said " who do you think was sending you the boats? " ..

Why am I telling you this story? I feel like you are doing the same as this man.

Sometimes people are a means that Allah swt puts in our way to save us! Yes, you are being all toughened up and 'strong' by trying to retrieve from people - even your own family - and not bother anyone with your issues, but you are actually doing more damage and more harm to yourself and to your loved ones this way. No good ever comes from passively sitting in a corner and isolating ourselves in our pain and suffering, especially to us girls, we are very social creatures who thrive and heal with compassionate, empathy, sharing, co-dependence (not in a negative sense), and solidarity. Half of the problem goes away just by talking about it. We immediately feel so much lighter after we have a good talk/ crying session with someone we love. By isolating yourself and drowning in your misery, you are going against your nature and that only amplifies your pain 💔🥺 So I am begging you, to take a step towards your support system, be it family, a cousin, friends, a teacher, a therapist.. you need help and you can't do this alone. Asking another human being to be there for you never means you trust Allah swt less or that Allah swt is not enough for you! On the contrary, maybe that person is fulfilling a purpose for the sake of Allah swt by being there for you. Allah swt has created us this way, there is no shame in asking for help I promise.

⚠️ ALSO OMG HIGHLY IMPORTANT THERE IS NO SHAME IN HAVING MENTAL HEALTH ISSUES I CAN'T EVEN BELIEVE I HAVE TO SAY THIS!

I don't know how much we have to deconstruct, how many walls we have to break down to set ourselves free from all the negative feelings that culture and the patriarchy installed in us since a very tender age, like shame, guilt, self-loathing.. it is A LOT, but we have to. There is no other way around it to free ourselves. And one last thing, my sweet sweet sweet sister, even if you think you can do it all, you can keep it all inside and put on a brave face and go on about your day while there is a battlefield in your head and a fire burning in your heart, you don't have to. Have mercy on yourself. Allah swt would never approve of this, you putting yourself through so much pain by refusing to seek help. And you wonder why your anxiety attacks are back! 💔🥺 which brings me to point 3:

3) Anxiety attacks: Are you sure they are anxiety attacks not panic attacks? How do you identify them? What are your symptoms? And how do you deal with them? How do you cope? See, beautiful sister, this is very very serious! You can't keep going like this and think " oh Allah swt is putting me thru this to make me stronger. " Umm actually, no, Allah swt is not putting you through this. He gave you this at the beginning yes, but He showed you the way, and you stubbornly refused! So now, you are putting yourself through this, my dear, and you do not deserve it!

Please do not take this with a rough note, I am using a very very soft tone, I promise. And also, lots of hugs and caresses 🥺❤️

I want you to promise me that you are going to consider my words, and seriously think of asking for help. For the sake of Allah, for the sake of yourself and your sanity. Remember, you do not own yourself, you do not own your soul, you do not own your body. It is all an amanah that we are responsible for keeping safe and sane until we return to Allah swt, and we are going to be held accountable for what we did with it. Allahu al'mustaān.

Looking forward to getting your updates!

May Allah swt sooth your pain and give you thr courage you need to ask for help. Ameen.

Fi Aman Allah.

- A. Z. 🍃

#sisterssafespace #tw depression #tw anxiety #mention of bpd #mental health

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thedreadvampy · 4 years ago

Note

this is kind of a Hot Take (and rlly long) so don't feel pressured to post this

also no one cancel thedreadvampy over posting this ask if she does these are my beliefs and not necessarily hers kthx

I'm honestly really uncertain why people are so militant about aphobia on this site. like obviously aphobes are Not Nice People and it's good to be against their shitty beliefs. But I've been on this site for ~5 years and I have never, in my memory, seen an aphobe (with the few exception of like. literal nazis but their main label isn't aphobe). I have seen a lot of people who were then harassed/cancelled being called aphobes in addition to a lot of other things like (homophobic, racist, abusive, etc) but as far as I bothered to figure out, the label of aphobe came from one specific phrase they used or one post they reblogged (though I can't be bothered to Deep Research so I genuinely don't know on this one).

(I have seen casual acephobia in my own personal life. however, that is not Tumblr.)

I have seen scores of posts along the lines of "aphobes are bad" "aphobes dni" etc etc.

Maybe it's just who I follow, but it seems like there's a lot more anti-aphobe sentiment than aphobes. Which is good! It's the goal! However, I think it's possible that that anti-aphobe sentiment has not become "look how few aphobes there are! yay!" it's "there are hidden aphobes all around us and you have to interrogate everyone to know who to ostracize"

You're a fairly popular figure in the mechs/tma fandoms and the thing about Tumblr is that it hates popular figures. And more than that, you're visible, so a) people will see if you answer a bunch of questions about ace things, and b) you exist in everyone's brains more than little blogs.

to be clear. to be absolutely crystal 100% clear: I am not saying that people got together and went "let's interrogate all the popular blogs so we can pretend theyre acephobic and have fun bullying people," I'm saying it's possible that what was once a positive emotion, "we don't tolerate intolerant people" has possibly, in some people, morphed into a fear that intolerant people are hiding all around them. And frankly, that fear can be understandable (not right, not kind, but understandable), especially if they face hate irl and their only outlet for emotion is tumblr. shit, Tumblr is one of my emotional outlets.

I don't think it's bad to engage with these people in good faith, or to answer questions, but I think it's possible that some of them are coming from the "intolerant people are hiding all around us and must be ferreted out" kind of perspective instead of a "hey I wanna check that this person isn't an intolerant asshole before following/supporting them" or "I want to engage with a person who may be ignorant" (I'm not attempting to imply that you're ignorant). Im not saying "not answer their questions" this is just, like, my opinion. I'm not making a lot of actionable statements here.

that's my whole Hot Take, hopefully I made some kind of sense, I just honestly feel kind of mad on your behalf that you have to go thru an interrogation to be Not Tumblr Cancelled. If people were generally having a nuanced discussion then that would be fine but you've already stated several times that ace/aspec people are valid and deserve love and respect etc etc. which as an aspec person makes me feel that your blog is safe for me, and I don't feel the need to play 20 Questions Are You Sure You Aren't An Aphobe

I don't know how much of this I entirely agree with and I refuse to think

(not about this. just in general. today I refuse to think)

my main response to this is:

a) I think my confusion is I have less than 1500 followers I think I always assumed the You Are Now A Public Figure People Have Opinions On mark had to be higher than that but this appears to have been a totally incorrect assumption

b) I don't feel like. a threat of Cancellation except inasmuch as I don't want Kofi to eventually get any kind of kickback if I turn out to be or people understand me to be a shitty person. I didn't ask for a platform or do anything to deserve it, if I get distressed it's largely just that I don't want to be a shitty person! and I have a whole thing about. I don't ever feel secure in my ability to say I'm NOT being shitty so like if enough people start saying AH RUTH THEDREADVAMPY IS A GARBAGE PERSON I definitely do stay wondering if they're right even if I think my position is morally defensible. like I'm very easy to get into a spiral of I think that's highly defensible but maybe I'm just in denial/trying to cover my ass/self-justifying so I can avoid accountability/etc. like this is a thing and it's why I'm very uncomfortable with absolutism, a lot of my family in my experience have a phenomenal capacity for denial and for rewriting reality into something they Fully Believe despite all the evidence, and so I'm really conscious of the possibility that I'm doing that and I wouldn't. know about it. it's a really really powerful subconscious force and that's been like. a big fear point for me my whole life. that I could be being a cunt and be obviously being a cunt and be so deep in denial that it just doesn't register at all. this is like. the thing I fear most. So I DO want people to tell me if I'm being a dick because the only way I can 100% know I'm not just in denial is if I can trust people to call me in, but I really, really, really struggle with when people say I'm being a dick and I disagree, not because they're harassing me necessarily but just because it really sends me into a spiral of doubting my own ability to be sure about like, anything. at all. it's a whole unreality thing which is, uh, it's MINE to deal with, it's not something I would want to put on other people, but it very much does affect my responses and I didn't mean to write this but hey, no therapy last week and it shows.

oh also c) on reflection I don't agree that there's very little aphobia on Tumblr (although as I've said I'm not ace or aro so my opinion should hold little weight) but I do think that there's a lack of give and take, not just in aphobia stuff but also in general, in these kinds of conversations, like sometimes yeah people are actively hateful but I don't think there's any room for misunderstanding, poor phrasing, or questioning, and I understand that that's coming from a really genuine place of pain and devaluation of aro/ace experiences but I also think people jump straight to assuming active malice very fast, and often explicitly consider "actively not stating an opinion" to be an offence on the level of "actively staying a harmful opinion," which I think is unhelpful. like. we learn by listening, there are times in my life where I would have been lying at the time to agree unconditionally with something like "I think we should believe survivors" (I was a 2000s teen who hung out with 4channers) but I also was conscious of the harm that it would do to publicly debate from the perspective that No We Shouldn't Believe Survivors, so you know I waited and I listened and I thought about it and ultimately I came to a position I could say with my chest. but like. The online social more that you Have to have an opinion and I Have to hear it to prove that you have the Right opinion is. uncomfortable to me to say the least. I don't think it gives you much room to learn and improve, especially given that everything on the internet is permanent and often treated as if it forever reflects your current beliefs. like I have changed my opinions So Much since I was 16 and if someone went back through a tag on my blog to Prove My Bad Opinions they could paint pretty much any picture they wanted with 12 years of changing opinions.

anyway yeah like. no I don't fully agree with this ask but I appreciate the alternate perspective. I also did not mean to write another wall of text I'm just very much In A Brain Hole today and sometimes words Just Happen.

#i don't want this to pop up in Discourse tags that will double ruin my brain off scrolling experience #but i do want people to be able to filter this stuff out #I'm gonna go wiiiiiiith #thedreadvampy adiscourse #so I'll try to tag everything surrounding the question of aphobia and me with that #no gonnae tag my general depression posting with it though that's just What This Blog Exists For

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kateknowsdramas · 4 years ago

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Also I just wanna say like why did they think it was necessary for Hyun Soo to be all like the mind doesn’t remember but the heart does when that was shown in the whole show? He didn’t understand until episode 11 that was the culmination of their 15 years together where he told her EVERYTHING and you’re telling me he really didn’t understand what he felt after that? It just feels so cheap to have an amnesia plot to once again tell us that he loves her. IMO he already figured out for himself we didn’t need an amnesia plot for that. I don’t get why people think he was someone who didn’t even trust himself after all that. We should’ve seen them in therapy instead and we should’ve got a second wedding like was said in the first scene of the finale and the family dinner the foreshadowed in the last couple of eps. Ntm the way no one cares that Jiwon only suffered some more. Like their whole 15 years together had to be broken apart and reaffirmed just for him to forget all of that in the end? She didn’t deserve that after all they had been thru god they just deserved to be happy and to work out any underlying problems together instead of thru the cowardice that is an amnesia plot. No drama ever does that trope well :/

Hi Nonnie:

Everything you said I can agree with and is the reason I’m disappointed in the finale, honestly. I just wanted less suffering for our couple and more healing. Hyun Su not remembering the past 15 years and how he grew to love his wife and daughter made me feel sad. Sure, he’s remembering things subconsciously and that’s wonderful because he still has those feelings of love it just rang a bit hollow to me.

@dangermousie has a great post about why they felt the last episode was true to the show and well done and I recommend it because, as always, it’s very well written and explains a lot about the writers perspective for the episode. Mousie is way more eloquent than I will ever be. I can totally understand this point of view.

This will be the last ask I answer on FoE (unless it not to talk about the finale) mostly because I feel like I’ve said what I wanted to say in this post and I don’t want to come across as bashing a show that I really did love overall. I also don’t want people who loved the finale to feel like I’m taking every opportunity to complain.

Those of you who haven’t watched it, please do. It’s still an amazing show and fantastically written character study. Just because I wasn’t a fan of the last episode doesn’t diminish my overall love of the show and, who knows, you may love how it was done.

#flower of evil #commentary #ask

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loverholland · 6 years ago

Text

where she went.

pairing: peter parker x reader word: 5.5k summary: They kissed and it felt magical, but he knew this wasn’t going to last. The butterflies in his stomach were going to disappear at some point because she would leave him. i am very aware that this is from a different account. loverholland is now dead and this is my new account. welcome.

February 2021

Peter didn’t think he would be in Chicago at the time he was. Posters of her face were plastered everywhere with the big bold words ‘SEE Y/N Y/L/N PERFORM FRIDAY THRU SUNDAY AT THE PALACE THEATRE. BEGINS AT FIVE PM.’ Peter looked at it, mind memorizing the way she looked in the picture. It didn’t look like she went through the traumatic accident that she had, especially at such a young age. Peter didn’t know where she went; all he knew was that she disappeared after finishing high school. She dropped her whole life back home in New York to moved away to pursue a new life in Chicago. She wanted to forget everything that happened. Forget her whole family perishing in front of her forget her out of body experience and forget Peter… She wanted to forget and forgetting meant forgetting him as well.

Peter felt a rush go through him, trying to decide if he should go to the concert or not, cancel the press conference he had scheduled with Tony Stark. Maybe it would be the best so he could see her once again. His hand shook as he looked at the poster, God he must look weird. It was his mind versus his heart. Does he talk about the things that happened to him during the big fight he was in or does he go back and see his high school sweetheart?

Peter touched his phone, finger touch immediately recognizing his fingerprint. It laid in his hands as his thumb pressed through different apps before touching the messaging one. His breath caught in his throat as he began to type. He deleted each once until he said screw it and typed out two simple sentences.

Tony Stark: Won’t make it to the press conference. Sorry.

Sent. Peter sighed and nodded to himself before putting his phone in his jean pocket and shoving his phone into his jacket. He walked down the street, remembering the time as he walked to his hotel room.

Peter thought about messaging her, asking her how she had been, but if she wanted to talk to him, she would’ve. He knows she would have, and by her not doing so, meant she didn’t want to talk to him. Peter wondered where she went in life, how she warmed up to college and how she had coped. Physical therapy was hell for her and he knew that, just by looking at her around school. She didn’t ever tell him that, but the way her face would scrunch up in pain every so often showed how much pain she was actually in.

After the accident, they ended things. She insisted that she just needed space to mourn and having people huddled around her, babying her, wasn’t going to work for her. He agreed and they promised to stay friends. They did, for a while. She began pushing more people away as things began to get tougher, she was seen less at school or in the music room, and she wasn’t participating in class like she normally did. Even though she wasn’t seen, she still graduated with a 4.15 GPA and was still valedictorian. She gave a speech and played a song, got her diploma and took some pictures before leaving. That was the last time he saw her, or anyone at school saw her.

Peter spent his time waiting to leave. He messed with his suit, watched TV, called Aunt May, texted Ned, and much more. He didn’t know what to do or how to pass the time while waiting to see the girl who left him.

Peter had fallen asleep at some point, waking up to an alarm playing in his ear. He groaned and turned over to turn it off, noticing the time.

4:30 PM.

Peter slowly got out of the bed, rubbing his eyes while walking to the mirror to look at himself. He looked like a mess. Peter decided to let his hair be its natural self so he wouldn’t take more time then need. He put on a pair of slacks, a nice light blue button down and a suit jacket that Tony had given him. Peter left and quickly walked down the street to the theatre. He bought his ticket and walked in to find his seat.

He looked at the stage, memorizing the lighting pattern and the sound of a cello playing in the background. The lights dimmed and she came out. She had the cello in her hand as well as the bow under her nimble fingers. She was clawed in a light blue knee-length dress that had small straps on her shoulders. Her hair was cut shorter than he remembered. He barely remembered her cutting her hair all throughout the years of going to school together. She had a long, ugly looking scar, up her right leg and he could see her walking in a small limp. How long has she had a limp? He wondered, but he didn’t know if he would ever get a chance to talk to her about anything.

She took a deep breath and positioned her fingers positioned on the D string. He didn’t know the chords, but he remembered her teaching him the strings when they were dating. She played beautifully and when it was over, she smiled and moved a stray hair behind her ear. She gave everyone a few moments to calm down before playing another song, and then the same thing happened again. Begin, finish, smile, pause, begin, and repeat.

When she finished, she stood and held the cello in her left hand and the bow in her right. Peter stood as well, clapping quickly as he looked at her. He felt his heart collapse when they made eye contact. He didn’t know if she knew that it was him or if she just looked out into the crowd and just made eye contact with someone. She still had a beautiful smile. She left the stage after bowing, walking to the back of the stage.

Peter took a deep breath and began walking towards the bathroom. He took his phone from his trouser pocket and looked over everything that was being said. Tony had texted him a few times, so did Aunt May and Ned. Peter noticed a few Twitter notifications and a few Instagram direct messages that he needed to check.

He was stopped as a hand came down on his shoulder. Peter quickly turned and looked at the person who had touched him. It was a man who was about his height. He had blonde hair and freckles all over his face. His eyes were like Peters. The man stuck his hand out.

“Peter Parker?” He asked. Peter nodded and took the man’s hand before speaking.

“Who’s asking?” He questioned and the man chuckled, shaking his hand.

“Josh,” he stated and Peter nodded. “Y/N wants to see you if you don’t mind.” He huffed out and Peter’s eyebrows knitted. So, she did see him. Peter turned his head and looked at the line in front of him and then back at Josh. Peter debated in his head for a few moments. Should he see her? What would he say? What would shesay?

Peter nodded and followed the grinning man. He led him backstage and towards a dressing room. Peter looked around him and noticed what everything looked like. There were polls and rope and different instruments were just standing in different areas. Josh stopped in front of a door that had her name on it before knocking twice. Peter took a deep breath as he watched the door slowly open. If he wasn’t scared before, he sure as hell was now. Peter began to play with the sleeves of his suit jacket and as soon as he saw her, everything fell into slow motion. It was like someone turned the dial down so he could take in the beauty she held.

Her hair was defiantly shorter than before, everyone would know that. She was now dressed in a pair of sweats that hid the scar and a jumper from their high school. It still had the same toothpaste stain from before. She ran a hand through the short locks of her hair and smiled, thanking the man.

“Peter,” Y/N smiled softly and opened her arms and walked towards him. She wrapped her arms around his neck and his went around her waist. She smelled the exact same as she did in high school. It was like vanilla and sugar cookies.

“Hey,” Peter whispered into her hair. They spent time like that, he felt as if it was too long, but he didn’t mind. Peter was the first to pull back and he took in her face. She had a healthy glow, despite the scars littering her face. He also noticed that her eyes had stayed the same vibrant color they were, even in the hospital they never dulled. “How are you?” Peter asked suddenly. Y/N shrugged and took his hand into hers to drag them into her dressing room.

“See you later, Josh. Come by in the morning? I need help finishing packing.” she smiled and Josh nodded. Why was she packing? The door closed and she turned to look at him. “I’m good,” she smiled. “How are you?”

“Okay, I guess.” He muttered the last part and she nodded. There was an awkward pause between them all. She sat down and looked at him, taking him in before looking at her lap. He was dressed nice and his hair was cut shorter than she remembered, but his curls were still on display. His eyes were the same chocolate brown as before and he spotted freckles all on his cheeks and nose.

“I read about what you did with the Avenge- they’re not the Avengers anymore.” She whispered and shook her head slightly before going on. “You’re really brave, Pete.” The nickname made Peter’s heart stop and his head shot up quickly. She read about the war? He didn’t quite know why he was surprised. Of course, she did. She loved history and this was just another war for her to learn about.

Peter didn’t respond quickly, just looked at her until he looked away. “Thanks,” he muttered and ran his hands over his suit pants. “It’s still haunting, but I’ve slowly have learned to live with it.” He nodded to herself and she nodded. He knew that she understood, even if it wasn’t in the same way.

“I bet,” she whispered and looked away from him. Peter wanted to tell her what he went through, what it was like to be in space and he wanted to ask her if she knew he disappeared. He doubted it since, well, no one really knew. They just knew that he was missing and nothing else.

Another silence overtook them until his stomach rumbled from hunger. It made Y/N laugh and for some reason, it made him feel some sort of happiness.

“When was the last time you ate?” She asked and Peter thought about it. Maybe, lunch? He wasn’t too sure if he even ate today.

“I don’t remember,” he muttered and her eyebrow rose. She lifted herself off the couch in the room, grabbing her purse off of the vanity behind him.

“Then I’m taking you out to eat,” she smiled. Peter began to protest, explaining that he didn’t have money on him. She didn’t care though, she wanted to treat him tonight since it would most likely be the last time they see each other; unless fate were to bring them together once again.

Y/N picked up her phone from the side table and stuffed it in the pocket of her sweats before grabbing cash and a pair of keys from her purse. She didn’t bring anything, which surprised him. She used to carry glasses around everywhere she went and she always had painkillers and different things to check her health, but he assumed she didn’t need them anymore.

“How has it been since being back?” She asked suddenly once they were outside the theatre and into the cold night air. She looked over at him as she walked the two of them down the street. Peter shrugged and kept his eyes straight ahead.

“Uh, fine.” He muttered under his breath as he looked over at her. She tilted her head and raised an eyebrow at him. It wasn’t fine and somehow she knew. Peter looked away and at the other people that filled the streets.

“I mean, I’m in therapy now and I feel frightened at all time because I’m afraid I’m going to die again. Thanos isn’t really…” he paused and did a hand motion as he sighed. “He’s not really gone. He’ll come back at some point and I pray that it’s a time where I’m not here anymore.” He explained and Y/N nodded, stuffing her hands into the hoodie pockets.

They walked in silence until they stopped in front of a little diner. It looked old but there were some new elements to it. Y/N pushed open the door and walked in. She hollered out a ‘hello’ before sitting at a booth. Peter sat opposite of her. She smiled and laid her chin on her hand. She was content, Peter knew that. She was content with being with him again, happy even.

“Chicago is so much different than Brooklyn.” She stated suddenly. “The people are different and the way they teach and just… everything is so different, you know? It’s nice.” She explained. Her eyes glanced over at the lady walking over to them. “It’s nice to not be in a place where my whole life was ripped from me.” She whispered and smiled at the lady.

He thought he was her life, but he wasn’t. Her family was, of course. He’s not surprised but he thought he was at least a little bit of her life.

“How are you guys?” She asked and Y/N gave her a cheeky grin. “Are you two on a date? Should I get you the special?” She asked in a whisper and a wink. Y/N shook her head and looked over at Peter.

“Just two friends catching up, Gretchen.” She said the name like they were best friends. Peter looked between the two and took in the way they were conversing. He also managed to take in the way Gretchen looked. She was dark skinned and tall and a little chubby, her hair was curly and a dark black with purple dotting the ends.

Gretchen and Y/N laughed at something before she spoke. “Well, you two look in love.” She smiled before taking out a pen and notepad from her apron pocket. “So, what can I start you off with?” She asked and before Peter could ask for a menu, Y/N began ordering.

“Uh, water and a number 5 with large fries,” Y/N smiled up at Gretchen. Peter shrugged and looked over at the board over the bar. Peter wasn’t sure what he wanted so he said the same thing, just without fries. Gretchen smiled and walked off, leaving the two to themselves.

“Are you going to college?” Y/N asked and sat her chin on her hand. Peter pursed his lips and opened his mouth, releasing an ‘um,’ while trying to think.

“Yeah,” he nodded suddenly, looking at her. “Tony is helping pay for me to go to MIT,” Peter explained and Y/N smiled.

“That’s great!” She spoke.

This felt good. This conversation and the way they were sitting and catching up… it felt good and he missed it. He missed her. It wasn’t a secret since most people know he had missed her, the only thing was, he didn’t know if she missed him. Peter had thought of a question to ask over the silence, but when his mouth opened and the words started to stumble out, Gretchen was there with their drinks. Y/N smiled at her and smiled, taking the straw and putting it inside the glass before looking over at him again.

“Have you ever been to Chicago? Other than today?” She asked and Peter shook his head, sipping at the water. Y/N smirked softly before speaking. “Well, you have a lot of sightseeing to do then.” Peter knitted his eyebrows and spoke up quickly.

“Sightseeing? Isn’t it like, 8 PM?” he asked and Y/N raised her eyebrow, lips wrapped around the straw. He knew that even if it was midnight she would show him around the whole damn city until he was ready to go back to his hotel and pass out, and even then, she would find something to show him.

“And?” She asked once her lips were free. “There’s no better time to sightsee than at night,” she leaned back and smiled. “Anyway, it’ll be less crowded and we’ll be able to see things better. Plus, it’s much prettier at night.” She hummed in a matter of fact. Peter nodded, looking down at his lap. He wished he would’ve just came in a pair of jeans and a regular shirt because now, he’s dressed in some fancy getup while she’s comfy.

Gretchen came out soon after, each handheld their plates before putting them in front of each other. Peter smiled and thanked her before looking at Y/N who also thanked her. Peter watched as Y/N took the ketchup bottle and put the ketchup over to the side before dipping a few fries before eating them. Peter did the same and began eating. They ate in silence, making small talk and giggling at something they did.

About halfway through, Y/N’s phone buzzed and Peter couldn’t help but glance at the home screen. It was a picture of her and her family in an old Polaroid. He remembered the picture because it was one he took of them at a cookout. Peter didn’t voice anything, even when he noticed the contact that was texting her.

Y/N snatched up her phone and quickly typed a response before locking it and setting it down. She didn’t say anything; she just continued eating so that’s what he did. He didn’t talk and just continued eating.

Gretchen came out a little bit later, picking up the trash. “Would you two like dessert?” She asked and Peter shook his head and Y/N followed his lead.

“I think we’re good, Gretch.” She smiled and Gretchen nodded and dug in her apron pocket and grabbing the check before sitting it down. Gretchen smiled and walked off. Y/N dug in her pocket and grabbed out cash, looking at the check and then putting cash inside with a little extra. Y/N began scooting out of the booth and stretched her arms before putting her hand out for Peter to take.

“Bye, Gretch!” She yelled after Peter took her hand. She led them outside, smiling at the wind that hit them. Peter hated the cold and this was making him wish he would’ve just gone to the interview, but he wasn’t going to complain and make her think he didn’t want to see her, because he did. He really did want to see her, he just wished it was daytime so it was a bit warmer.

Their fingers were interlocked as they walked the dark streets of Chicago. The streetlamps and small shops were lighting their path. Peter listened to everything she said, smiling softly as she explained all of her favorite spots. He found out where her favorite ice cream shop was and her favorite bakery as well as her favorite park and library.

They began walking over a bridge overlooking the city and the pale lights illuminated the water. It was beautiful. Peter felt Y/N’s hand slip from his and he looked over at her, watching as she pushed both hands inside her hoodie. This moment right here, he would remember forever. He wished he had a camera to remember it, but his memories would do. Your hair was blowing in the wind, but she looked content with the whole thing. So when the question he’s been dying to ask popped into his head, he didn’t want to ruin it. He didn’t want to take her away from being happy and turn it on him, but deep down he knew that once they part ways again, she won’t talk to him.

“Can I-uh, ask you a question?” Peter asked suddenly, eyeing her expression. Y/N looked over at him and nodded with a smile, giving him the go ahead. He didn’t know how to word it, does he just come out and say “hey, you left me all alone after high school with no word but I saw you were texting Ned so was I just a bad boyfriend or something?” or does he sugar coat it.

“I was wondering,” he paused and turned his attention to the water, wanting to avoid making eye contact. Her attention didn’t falter from him though; she kept looking at him, waiting for the question. “Why did you leave suddenly? You left after high school and you pushed me away and didn’t talk to me. I didn’t even know you were down here until today, Y/N. Why would you push me away but still talk to my best friend?” He asked, the words coming out in a jumble. Y/N’s eyebrows knitted, the question taking her off guard. She scoffed softly and looked in front of her.

“I lost my whole family, Peter. You were an Avenger and needed your own time to figure yourself out. If you were in my position you would’ve done the same thing.” She shook her head and glanced at her feet. “I left to get away. I wasn’t going to stay there and remember my family’s death.” It was harsh and Peter looked at her finally.

“I would’ve done the same thing; I would’ve tried to work it out,” Peter whispered. Y/N’s head whipped around and she looked at him, eyes narrowed.

“You would’ve tried to work out a high school romance even when your whole family died, Peter? You would much rather work out something that doesn’t matter at the end instead of trying to forget all of the pain you feel? I wanted out of there, so I got out. I didn’t want to hurt myself anymore so as soon as my doctor told me to leave, I left. I didn’t want to turn back. I didn’t want to remember, Peter. You remind me of my family. You remind me of everything I had before and then it was ripped away.” She cried out, hands coming out of her hoodie to pull at her hair.

“Just because I’m a memory means you have to forget me?” He asked and she scoffed, ready to walk away. “I’ve lost so many people, Y/N and yet I didn’t cut anyone off because they were a memory.”

“You didn’t lose your whole family in one day, Peter! You’re too young to remember your parent’s death and you lost your uncle. I’m so sorry for that, Peter, and you know I am, but I don’t know if you could even imagine watching your little brother die or your mother and father all in the same night. You have Aunt May, I have no one.” She whispered the end, stuffing her hands back in the pockets. She turned on her heel, walking off.

“You had me,” Peter said, making Y/N stop in her tracks. She turned her head, looking over her shoulder. Peter knew he fucked up, knew the three words made her tick. She did have him though. She had him there the whole way, but she didn’t want him.

“It was a one-way street, Peter! I had you, yeah, sure, but you had a shell of me! You didn’t have me, you had a fucking shell and you can stand out here and tell me how you could’ve helped me, but you couldn’t. I was never myself. I haven’t been myself since, so stand here and feel pity that you and I didn’t work out. I don’t care.” While she spoke, she was drawn closer to him. Her eyes were throwing daggers at him, but he could see the tears that welled up in her eyes. He sat his hand on her arm, opening his mouth to apologize, but she stopped him. “And yeah, I’ve been talking to Ned. He told me you were here.” She muttered, ready to knock off his hand.

She looked up at him, eyes noticing the way sadness was built up inside him. She shook her head, laughing to herself. “Bye, Peter.” She muttered under her breath, shrugging his hand off of her before walking off. Peter stared at where she stood for a moment, before turning around and running towards her, yelling her name. She turned around and looked at him, Peter was thankful for that in many ways.

He sprinted to her, huffing for a moment before grabbing her face in his hands. They just argued and he was going to do this? He was going to allow himself to fall in love wither her again. He looked at her, eyes taking in the way she looked. A few tears had slipped from her eyes and she went to wipe them away, but Peter beat her to it. She was still angry, he knew that, but he didn’t want to leave it like the last time.

Without thinking, Peter leaned in, pressing his lips to hers. It was a short kiss, but it wasn’t quick. They kissed and it felt magical, but he knew this wasn’t going to last. The butterflies in his stomach were going to disappear at some point because she would leave him. She would go back to ignoring him and reading articles about him but never saying anything. Peter tilted his head a bit, deepening the kiss, but Y/N pulled away. They shared a silence and they only looked at one another before she spoke up.

“Do-Do you want to come back to my place?” She asked and Peter nodded. Y/N took his hand and led them down the dark street, past everything she had shown him before turning on a random street and towards a neighborhood. The homes were beautiful and he wondered how she lived in such a beautiful neighborhood as a college student.

Y/N stood in front of a gate, pressing in a few numbers before pushing the gate open and walking through it. She shut it quickly before walking them to the front door; unlocking it and pushing the door open for them to enter. Peter watched as she took off her shoes and took everything out of her pockets before closing the door. He followed her lead, taking off her shoes and sat his phone on the table. He followed her into the living room. She flipped on a switch and he noticed that it was sleek, modern with white and grays. She had a few colorful pillows and lampshades, but everything else was white and grey.

It was completely different from her home growing up. Everything was colorful and there was children’s artwork hanging up and they had pictures of family everywhere. Here felt different. Y/N had pictures of her family hanging up everywhere. On the wall in front of him, picture frames held pictures of her happiest times and she had her acceptance letter hanging up too. Peter noticed that she had a few photos of him and her, as well as her and Ned. They made a smile grow on his face.

“You still have this?” He asked when his eyes took in a picture of him and her with her family and Aunt May. It was at a basketball game; her parents had bought them all tickets and took them. It was a good day and Peter remembered how excited he was.

“Yeah,” she whispered, looking at it. “It was one of mom’s favorite pictures. She had it in her wallet.” She quickly looked away, going towards the kitchen. Peter followed her after looking at the picture for a bit. He walked into the kitchen and watched her pull out a few glasses and filling them with water. Peter took one from her and then followed her into the living room.

They didn’t speak until she turned to look at him. She put the cup on the table and sat her hands on her lap. Peter wanted to say something, an apology for earlier, but he didn’t. He just looked right back at her.

The gears in her brain were running quickly until she grabbed his face and kissed him again. It was rough and quick, something he wasn’t even sure was happening. Her hands were on his face and the hand that was holding the cup reached to set it beside hers before moving to her waist.

It didn’t take long for the kiss to deepen and for her to get in his lap. When he parted from the kiss and pressed his lips down her neck, he heard a soft moan leave her lips and he looked up at her, hands never leaving her hips.

“Are you sure?” He asked. “Are you absolutely positive you want to do this?” He wanted to make sure, so when she nodded, he continued. Ridding her of the hoodie she was in and looking over her exposed torso. The scars were evident and he kissed every single one of them, dragging his lips over hers.

Peter woke up to the smell of coffee, eyes trying to adjust to the bright light the shone through the window. He stretched out his arms and groaned before swinging his feet out of the bed he was in. He didn’t quite know where he was, but the memories from the night before ran through his mind. He smiled softly and shook his head. He put on the boxers that were sitting neatly on the chair at her desk. He didn’t bother putting on anything else, just going downstairs to be met with the person he wished to wake up to every day.

He walked into the kitchen and caught a glimpse at Y/N. She wore a large t-shirt and a pair of short shorts. He missed this. He missed her. He cleared her throat, frightening her for a split moment before she turned around. She looked at him, smiling softly before turning back and grabbing a coffee cup, handing it over to him. He took it willingly before sipping it. It was exactly how he liked it.

“You can eat whatever you want, I don’t really eat breakfast.” She hummed and sipped the hot liquid from her own mug. Peter nodded and sat on the edge of the table. He looked at her as she did her thing. “Also, your phone has been going off, you might want to check it.” She muttered and turned her back to him, turning on the faucet water and beginning to wash some dishes she must’ve left out.

Peter hummed and went into the entrance, taking his phone. It must’ve been dinging or something for her to know it was going off. He read the texts. Many of them from Tony, telling him that they had to leave by 10 AM, and it being 9:30 AM he knew Tony would be mad at him. He also noticed texts from both Ned and Aunt May.

Peter huffed out a sigh, walking up the steps to the bedroom he once walked out of and putting on the clothes that were hanging from the chair. He put the clothes on before walking downstairs and putting the mug back in the sink. He smiled at her when she turned towards him.

“What’s up?” She asked and Peter’s lips pursed. He felt terrible for leaving her so suddenly and without warning, but he smiled and broke the news to her.

“I have to go. Tony and I need to get to New York today.” He explained and her eyebrow raised before she nodded.

“Understandable,” she hummed and smiled. “I’ll call and Uber.” And she did. She walked out and found her phone before calling and Uber. When she walked back in, Peter smiled at her. They sat in silence, she sipped on her drink and he played with loose threads. When her phone dinged, signaling that the Uber was there. She got up and silently showed him the way out. She opened the door and leaned against it.

“The gate will open automatically.” She told him, giving a small smile. Peter returned it, starting to walk down the steps before she stopped him. “Text me the next time you’re in Chicago.” She smiled and looked at him. Peter nodded, smiling back.

“Will do,” he replied and continued on his way. Before he got to the car, he looked back and watched her enter the house again. He entered the car and gave the nice man the directions before finding her number and texting it. He was thankful he hadn’t deleted it.

Y/N Y/L/N: Don’t be a stranger, my phones always on.

And with that, he turned his phone off and closed his eyes, reminiscing in the memories swimming in his mind.

#peter parker #peter parker oneshot #peter parker x reader #peter parker x you #peter parker x y/n #peter parker smut #peter parker imagine #mine

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doomednarrative · 6 years ago

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2018: A (Personal) Year in Review

I put off writing in general so much, but I’ve put off this particular post long enough.

And no, this isn’t about the general world or the country. It’s about my personal life, and it’s mainly a vent/personal rambling post, so I’ll put under a read more. If you don’t care to read it, that’s totally fine.

But anyways. Here we go:

2018 was...a fuckin ride, to put it in simplest terms.

For those who are new and unaware, lemme briefly bring you up to speed about the end of 2017 for me, cause it’s important to the context of this entire thing:

December 17th of 2017, when I was on my third day home for Christmas break from college, I packed a backpack, and I left my dad and stepmom’s house for good.

Their house had been abusive for years, and my mental health was in the absolute tank in college. I was feeling casually suicidal and had a full on breakdown about having to come home for winter break. After a fight I got into that night with my stepmom after she found me texting some friends on Discord (which I wasn’t supposed to have, even tho I was almost 19 and an adult at the time,) she got Pissed, and so did I. I had finally had a group of friends who supported me and helped me out so much, and I didn’t want to loose them. And I couldn’t stand the abuse, the treatment of me like I was a child with no privacy or personal autonomy, the constant pushing for me to date my one long time friend and to be straight, or my parent’s inability to accept me as their son and not their daughter any longer.

I was given a choice, and told if I decided to leave, I wasn’t welcome back. A few months before, my best friend had said that their parents had a safe space for me to go if I ever needed it. They had been aware of how bad some things had been with my parents and feared for the worst, so they offered me a home if it came down to that. And that night, it came down to that choice.

I packed one backpack of stuff I was allowed to bring (solely because it was stuff I bought) and I walked to my friends mom’s house, and by the next morning, I was at her dad’s house, safe and sound.

2018 became the year of learning how to be an adult in a house that treated me as one, and in a house that didn’t put my personal safety and mental health in danger.

2018 was...well, it was simultaneously the worst and best year of my life.

Early on, I could tell my parents weren’t going to let my off easy for leaving. My mom wasn’t a problem, she had been out of my life for almost two years at that point, and hadn’t attempted to make contact with me for a long time.

But my dad and my stepmom? Oh, they were determined to make my life as bas as they could while not being physically around me.

First thing they did? They tried to take all of my possessions from my dorm at college without my knowledge, because they thought that They owned that stuff. I only found this out because I called the college to formally drop out and ask when I could pick up my stuff, and they informed me my parents were already planning on picking up my stuff for me.

Me and my now adoptive parents ended up making an impromptu trip, four hours up and four hours back, that night to my college campus to make sure that I could get my possessions before they could. And we were successful.

Next thing my dad did to screw me over after moving out?

That bastard stole about 700$ from a joint bank account I had with him to use for college. That was money I earned from about 7 months of work at my summer food truck job. And he took it because he legally could since it was a joint account, and didn’t tell me. i found out when I went into the bank to withdraw that money and open a separate account.

So I was starting off the year with already some setbacks.

Thankfully, I Was able to replace my birth certificate and social security card relatively easily, so that was in my favor at least.

Then, come my birthday on January 26 last year, I got a letter. Two letters to be specific. One from my stepmom, and one from my dad.

Both were full of manipulation and guilt tripping language and just. Gaslighting and more emotional abuse. They had somehow gotten my address from when I had set up my separate bank account and changed my information in the bank system. And they decided to send me abusive shit as a birthday present.

I’m not gonna lie, it hurt a lot.

They continued to try to do stuff like that. They called me multiple times from different numbers, they called police on my adoptive family to say that I was crazy and that my parents were like. concerned for my safety because i had blocked their phone numbers after the first two phone calls. They texted me from different numbers, just. A lot of different bullshit.

February was the first time I saw my dad since leaving. I had gone to a screening of Love Simon, as it was really important to me, and somehow thru some stalkery methods, he knew i was there and he confronted me in the theater lobby after the film. (When I asked how he found me there, his answer was ‘I have my ways.’ I never posted about this encounter when it originally happened.)

He proceeded to be transphobic to me in public, demeaning me and humiliating me in front of everyone in the theater, told me I was the reason my siblings were now in therapy (which is a lie, my brother was already in therapy for anxiety long before I left), calling me crazy, telling my adoptive mother that I “needed help” and that “she’ll outstay her welcome.” He said a lot of awful things, and eventually I left the theatre in tears after screaming at him that I was his son and that this shit was why I left in the first place, and that he should go fuck himself.

Thankfully, I didn’t see him for months afterword, not til october, right before I left my retail job that he and my stepmom found out I worked at. I saw my stepmom three times at that job, once with my siblings (which is the only time I’ve seen them since leaving and that was. Very hard to deal with and a very emotional time), and twice without my siblings. The times she came without them, she was an absolute fucking asshole to me, still spewing her abusive rhetoric about how I was in the wrong for leaving, and how my father did nothing wrong when he saw me in February.

She and my father only left me alone after I told them that I would not get into an argument while I was on the clock, and that if they didn’t leave I’d call the store security guard.

After that, they haven’t done anything else. Yet. We’ll see what 2019 holds.

But, aside from the bullshit with my parents, 2018 had its other ups and downs. More ups than downs, but it still had it’s rough moments.

I got a job in early May as a sales associate/cashier/fitting room attendant for a well known Coat Factory chain store.

That job was pure fuckin hell, and I’m glad I don’t work there anymore. The last week that I was supposed to work there before leaving for my new job, I got pulled into the side office by the manager on duty (she wasn’t an actual manager, she just had closing priviledges) and she Screamed at me about how a customer complained about me, she hated me, my coworkers all hated me, all three of my managers hated me, and how she was tired of my attitude and how she couldn’t wait til I was fuckin gone. The whole issue that night had started because of her and how she couldn’t properly communicate to me where she wanted me to be that night and what duties she wanted me handling. She took out her frusteration at her own mistakes on me, and I had had enough. I stood my ground with her and didn’t let her walk all over me, but I went home that night, bawled for about two hours because being yelled at is a trigger for me, and she had been all in my personal space like she was going to hit me, and then I emailed my general manager the next day and told her she could replace me for my last two shifts and I wouldn’t be coming in for them.

I haven’t stepped foot in that goddamned store since I left that night.

I have a different job now. I work as an overnight personal care assistant at a nursing home, but it’s a higher end one, and it’s not bad. It can be stressful and super draining at times, but enviornmentally its a better job than the retail one ever was, so it’s good.

My mental health has been a wild ride as well. I won’t get into the full details here, but let just say that uh. I’m 99% sure that I’m both ADHD and autistic, and I’m thinking I have some form of ptsd as well from years of trauma shit. I’m not suicidal anymore, but I have bouts of depression and anxiety and sometimes anger that last for days to weeks at a time. It’s...rough, to say the least. And dysphoria doesn’t help any of that.

But I’m alive and fighting, and that’s the important part.

Not everything this year has been bad tho. There’s been a fair amount of good too, and I’m greatful for it.

December 23rd I celebrated my first year aniversary with @curious-corvids, and i couldn’t be happier about that. He’s been there thru this Entire ride, and he’s been such a positive force in my life, and I hope to keep him around for years to come.

Similarly, March 18th this year will be my one year aniversary with @sinclair-solutions, and that I’m immensely happy about as well. They’re such a wonderful person and just. i’m very lucky to have them, I really am. they’ve also been here thru everything, and I could never thank then enough for that.

I made some friends in the past few months that I can’t imagine what my days would be like without them in it. Kathy, Jay, Fi, and Evan are such great people, and I’m lucky to have them around.

I got the chance to meet Ren, Lu and Erin in person for the first time at DragonCon, and went to both my first comic convention and my first out of state trip alone with them, and it was honestly the best five days of my life. I can’t wait to do that again with them this year.

I’ve been steadily improving at art this year and took commissions for the first time, and that’s been a very fun thing to do.

I’m actually able to like. Afford to buy things for myself and spend my money without interferance, and thats such a change from how my parents used to control my finances.

Overall 2018 was just..a wild ride.

2019 is sure to bring better things. With luck this month, I should be starting the process of legally changing my name, and that will be a very freeing thing to do.

I turn 20 on January 26th, and just.

I didn’t think I’d actually make it to 20. That’s a personal milestone for me, to have made it this far.

Whatever this new year brings tho, here’s to hoping it goes better than 2018.

Here’s to hoping I’m better this year than I was last year.

#me talking #vent #rambling #this took a lot out of me to write so...good for me for finally doing it.

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anneboleyns · 6 years ago

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also no one asked (ok well someone asked me like a week ago on curiouscat but) but here are my hopes n dreams for the downton abbey movie:

1) it will never happen but i want a romance storyline for thomas lol, the whole shebang: meet cute, random misunderstandings/obstacles, obstacle(s) is/are overcome, happy ending and a motherfucking KISS, honestly we have edith/bertie, mary/matthew, mary/henry, carson/hughes, andy/daisy, isobel/merton, anna/bates, all following this pattern and i WANT IT. i know it’s different with a movie and he can’t get the episodes-long arcs those couples got, but they could pull smth off. i think if it happened to be jimmy or phillip that would be nice but obviously not gonna happen as neither ed or charlie are included in the cast lol, and also like i said since for a movie it would have to be a condensed plot it’s probably for the best it won’t be jimmy bec that storyline would deserve much more nuance, sensitivity, care, and explanation than the limited screentime available in a single film could give

2) not to be a bitch but i want michael gregson to be alive sdfhdsiukhsdfiusdfkdsf like can you IMAGINE, jesus it would be so frustrating but so satisfying bec of course that would happen to edith lmaoooooooo also i want marigold to meet him??? idk i adore edith and bertie but i really liked michael. like picture edith and bertie and marigold sitting in their drawing room in their castle having tea and there’s a fire and it’s cute and cozy and then their butler comes in like “there’s a man downstairs m’lady, insisting on seeing you” and edith going “let him in Jives” (or whatever the butlers name is) and she looks at bertie and says “i wonder what on earth this is about” and the door opens and it’s MICHAEL GREGSON and we see edith’s shocked face and then it cuts to like, violet and isobel arguing about violet’s cook’s views on sheep farming or something

3) can tom branson be happy jesus christ like, his entire storyline has always revolved around other ppl, he always felt like a side character in his own plots ?????????? and then he’s just a vehicle for mary’s happiness or robert’s success or downton’s issues for mary/robert/tom to solve, so rarely is it ever about HIM and HIS happiness, even with bunting that was about riling robert up so it was something for him and cora to argue about and so daisy could get an education. i just want him to get some attention i love one (1) irish socialist (bonus points if the movie opens with him burning the Abbey down while holding bundles of marxist literature)

4) mary and barrow’s relationship in the movie should mirror robert and carson’s relationship throughout the series.... likewise george and barrow should mirror mary and carson’s...... like. carson isn’t butler anymore. and carson was In Strum Mental in the running of that household, not an episode goes by without robert or cora or mary or someone talking to carson, and barrow is butler now, his role, literally, needs to be bigger, and his relationship with the upstairs crew should be more clearly defined and featured. u can’t change my mind. also he’s so fucking adorable with george and sybbie. slightly related: i want thomas to mention sybil, anna said herself he knew her better than any of the downstairs crew and esp bec he’s close with sybil’s daughter i want that MENTIONED. thomas being Soft and Fond ??? sign me tf up

5) i can’t stand carson or robert and if they both make it thru the movie alive ima be pissed. they function in the narrative as ties to the pre-wwi world and it’s past time one or both of those misogynist fuckwads are dispensed with. like any time one of them is onscreen i’m just Die Die Die Die DIe. i HATE

6) i really want scenes of george, sybbie, and marigold together. they are the next generation of crawleys and i want them to kind of be together, the 3 of them, as a group, the way edith, mary, and sybil were in the first season. we had The Crawley Sisters as a group, now it’s time for The Crawley Cousins. i want all 3 of them to have their own personalities and teasing of each other the way mary edith sybil did. i know they’re only children and the movie only takes place 2 yrs after the s6 finale so they’re still very young, but it’s enough to lay the groundwork and plant suggestions abt how the 3 of them’s relationship will be. it would be adorable and satisyfing

7) now u all know i adore thomas and i want him to be happy and i really am thrilled he’s developed and isn’t just the one-dimensional antagonist he was in season 1, i’m happy he’s allowed himself to become a bit softer and has a found family that he finally feels at home with. WITH THAT SAID........... there is next to no tension among the downstairs characters anymore. we need someone to come in, rustle some feathers, have hideous hair ringlets..... if you’ve guessed Sarah O’Brien u’ve guessed right. now listen i know she’s awful but i think it could be great. imagine her waltzing in and basically being like s1 thomas, just snarking at everything. i bet she’d be all saccharine and fake like “so thomas you’re butler now that’s sooooo nice!!! and look at the bates’ baby, i’m soooo happy for you!!!” and no one believes her and she’s just sneaking around causing trouble. she’d probably get into it w baxter bec she’s so soft and nice, but when obrien tries to fuck w molesley or thomas baxter becomes this image:

i can also imagine obrien being really nasty with andy and daisy bec they’re so young and cute and obrien.... isn’t, and barrow gets fed up and comes in like “SO SARAH, YOU DROPPED ANY SOAP LATELY?” and she goes pale and shuts up after that idfghdfiuhdyf

8) i want richard carlisle to come back bec iain glen is a fox. no other reason

9) i want madeleine allsopp to come back bec after the shannara chronicles i miss poppy drayton’s face on my screen. no other reason

10) omg i almost forgot, i want baby bates to be friendly with the upstairs children and i want baby bates to love thomas just like the other kids do, it would be great bec bates and thomas still hate each other but they would both love that kid and it would be super cute. i’ve also always loved thomas’ weird lil relationship w anna, like they’re not FRIENDS but i feel like there’s potential between the 2 of them to be friends. thomas noticed first when anna was bruised after her attack and asked what happened, anna noticed when thomas was sick during the conversion therapy s5 plotline and kept asking him if he was ok and telling him to rest. them in the hallway together after sybil died. thomas saying “no anna’s not an enemy. but she’s incorruptible so we have nothing in common” to edna. so i feel since he’s so good with kids and they seem to love him, it would make sense for the bates baby to be the same, and it would alter the bates/anna/thomas dynamic in a possibly interesting and satisfying way

11) I Want Anna Bates To Be Happy And Laugh And Smile And Also Have Her Hair Down. I Am Tired Of Watching Anna Bates Suffer. If Fellowes Hurts Any More Hair On Her Head I Will Burn ITV Studios Down Just Test Me Julian.

#downton abbey #thomas barrow #anna bates #mary crawley #tom branson #tp #this is so fucking long no one will read this dsifhduskfhsd

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sqsupernova · 6 years ago

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Rave Reviews for What We Gain in Letting Go by @swan-to-the-queen!

Ooh Regina's perspective when Henry was missing was interesting to see. She's still got that urge to rip out hearts too. … Oh boy! The tension has gone up another notch or two with everything going on here. … Poor Henry's going to be needing therapy for this now too! This kid's been thru alot in a short time; hope he bounces back, same goes for Emma and Regina. … holy wow Batman, what a journey … its good!!! u did great job. :) … Oh my gosh, I loved this so much!!! Wonderful job! … Thanks for writing and posting this story for Supernova this year and congrats on your first multi chapter work. I'm not sad to see the slimeballs dead and sparing the justice system time and money in the process and I'm glad that Henry has his family together, his moms and the memory of his dad there with him always. I hope you get lots of good and useful feedback from your other readers. Best wishes to you. … Angel that was a wonderful story thank you for writing it. … Such a great story! Thanks for sharing!

Enjoyed this fic? Be sure to give back and feed the author! A happy, appreciated author is one who’s going to be more motivated to gift us all with more of their words.

#swan queen #sqsn spotlights: reviews #sqsn spotlights: what we gain in letting go

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mikayla-jays-world-blog · 6 years ago

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Mikayla Jay's World...

Welcome one and all.

Hey friends....I thought it's about time for me to really introduce myself to all of you. I started this little blog about 6 weeks ago, and the first thing I should say is that I'm...well...*ahem... getting older. (I'm 45). As such, I'm a bit of a late-comer to social media. If truth be told, this is my first and only blog and platform that I have ever used. Ever. I don't use Facebook, I'm not a YouTuber or on Twitter or Twatter or Chatsnap or whatever else is typically used by y'all. This isn't about monetization for me. I needed a place to be creative, to vent, to learn, to grow...and most importantly...I wanted to find others in hopes of developing some sort of support network for myself. You see, in addition to being old (er), I'm also a proud MTF Transgender WOMAN. I am also bi-sexual, with a ravenous sexual appetite for both men and women - and each for their own unique reasons and dynamics. I have been an artist for mist if my life and career, having spent over 15 years professionally as a tattoo artist (I was attracted to Tumbler initially because of the graphic friendly, pro-art/artist philosophy...and the porn lol- at least until they took that away 🙄). I got burned out professionally about 18 months ago, and really wanted to follow a dream that has been sitting in the back of my head for years and years... I wanted to pursue writing. I've always believed that you do what you love, AND THEN you find a way to get paid doing it. But really, it's not about making money for me. It's about living my life on my terms, loving the person I continue evolving into, standing in my own truths, living authentically and being happy....truly happy with the life I want to live. And while I'm on the topic, I wasn't always interested in that. Living, I mean. The Cole's Notes version of my past is certainly colorful, but also full of pain and some tragedy- like many of us.

I grew up in a chaotic household, with parents that fought constantly and ultimately divorced. That was tough on me because I was close to my mom, and not so much to my father. Mom was a Nurse, Dad a University Professor. You see, I knew I was different from an early age. Thing is, my Mom knew too. She caught me wearing her makeup (because I would smush her lipsticks not understanding proper application techniques, and she got tired of me destroying them on her lol). So my Mom decided to show me how to apply makeup properly. She knew I liked lingerie, dresses, heels etc. I believe she also knew that I was not straight at the very least- certainly as I entered my teens and became a horny kid, it became obvious- to her. My father had his face in a textbook my entire childhood, and so was oblivious to his oldest son's (me) true personality. As such, I became very close to Mom. She was my best friend.

When I was 13, my parents divorced. My Mom needed a fresh start and my father made way more money, so we (me and younger brother) were forced to live with him. We moved to Maritime Canada- Prince Edward Island to be specific, as my father accepted a job in Charlottetown. My Mom moved to the North West Territories, and took a job as an Emergency Medical Flight Nurse working thru a small Native reserve hospital in Fort Simpson NWT. I was heart broken at being away from her suddenly, and bitter at the whole situation. Then my life really turned upside down.

My Mom, the best friend I ever had, loved her new life. She was finally really happy, and at peace with herself. She spent a very. fullfilling year up North. Then, just before X-Mas 1988, my world fell apart. My mom was on an emergency medical flight, and without me reliving painfull details, the plane she was flying in- 3 miles from the airport on the return leg, flew into a mountain. The plane exploded on impact, and my Mom was killed. That day, a big piece of my heart died.

I'm 14 yrs old. My mom, my best friend, my confidant and only person I trusted and supported who I was, was taken from me. The impact it had on me was simple. I was broken inside. I was in a new city and province, had no friends, was confused, alone....and broken.

The way I dealt with the pain and grief was to bury it by inside me. I became introverted, isolated, depressed, and scared. I was also trying to fit in where I didn't belong. Those of you that have never experienced small town maritime Canada, it's like Deliverence. Only worse. I had to adapt to my surroundings. The local customs and beliefs were not open, accepting or pro LGBTQ. The one thing I had going for me (at least then) was that I was coordinated and active. I could play sports. And I was a big kid. I believed my only option to fit in was to pretend I was like "everyone else". I learned to bury not just my pain, but everything that made me who I was. My sexuality. My needs and longings to feel feminine. To dress up and wear makeup. The happiest side of my personality was intimately linked to my feeling that I was born in the wrong body. I became sport-o. A jock. I blocked out and buried that part of me. And began living a life of lies. I became a "mans man".

Fast forward. I got big. I got angry. I hated myself and the world. I got involved in football and rugby and started amateur boxing. I became more confused as time went on. And more angry. Eventually after University, I moved out West. To British Columbia. Vancouver. Part of me wanted to get as far away from my father, Atlantic Canada, and my past. Part of me was aware of the progressive open gay community out there.

I ended up taking a job as a bouncer in a fairly violent biker bar. I immersed myself in that world, all the while walking a razors edge where I was "Iron Mike" on the outside, a tough SOB and all around bastard of a person. My confusion and anger over time grew into overwhelming dysphoria. I hated my body. I hated the way I looked. I battled those feeling by way overcompensating and going to the extreme other end of the gender scale. I became hyper masculine outwardly, and satisfied my inner desires on the sly, behind everyone's back. I engaged in many dangerous and stupid behaviors. I became a drug addict. And that culminated in 3 suicide attempts. I wanted to die.

That part of my life is a story for another time. But I will fast forward, for the sake of my sanity and yours. I was lucky enough to find an addictions doctor and a mental health councillor who helped me turn my life around. I began with grief Councilling for dealing with my mother's death. As I learned to trust the two women at that clinic, I came clean. With everything. My sexuality. My gender identity. I opened up about my risky sexual behavior (days and weeks suppressing and burying who I was inevitably would boil over and I would "blow off steam in the extreme let's just say.) Cyclical, drug fuelled gay sex parties were like a medicinal, almost spiritual healing event, just in a backwards twisted sort of way. My depression, dysphoria and anxiety would go up and down with my moods. I needed to change. And the more I worked on accepting myself, and battling the debilitating shame of feeling like a closet freak, the more I realized how wrong I had always been. How confused, disillusioned and unhappy I always was. I learned, slowly and not without setbacks, that I was not the pariah I feared I would become. I wasn't a freak. And I didn't have to continue to be......broken.

Over the past 10 years, I have grown and evolved. I began by accepting that I was gender fluid, and embracing it. My lifelong habit of crossdressing became something I refused to bury, and I stopped being ashamed of it. I consider myself mostly bisexual....with a definitive preferrence towards gay men and gay sex. I enjoy sleeping with women as well, but I really find it is a different type of sex, and my attraction to women is more about the intimacy. I emotionally 'make love' to women, whereas I like a good n' nasty fuck with a man...call me old-fashioned LMAO.

I also evolved in my gender identity, my knowledge and experience growing alongside my courage, and the belief in who I really am. I have grown to embrace the woman I've been evolving into. The amount of time I spent dressed up and living as a female grew more and more. I learned to truly accept myself, and the word Transgender. The philosophy, lifestyle, choices, mental impact and ultimately the strength and happiness that I've found by embracing that I AM A PROUD AND HAPPY MTF TRANSGENDER WOMAN has absolutely changed and saved my life. As such, I went through Gender Councilling, and went through the long and arduous waiting list/period to see a gender specialist doctor. I am so excited to say that I finally began by hormone therapy treatment about 6 weeks ago.

Which brings me to where we are now. I have just begun the next phase of my life. I am so happy and thankful to have survived and come through on the other side. Part of that journey has been learning to love myself. Respect myself. Believe in myself. I am so grateful to the small support group of doctor's and mental health workers who helped me learn to live my life as it was always meant to have been lived. And the other part is making sure that I can pay that gratitude forward, by helping other Transgender people live their authentic wonderful lives. That's a big reason why I started my blog. Mikayla Jay's World is a reflection of who I am. It is a place where I can thrive, meet others like myself, actually BE myself, and continue to grow....creatively, spiritually, emotionally, and mentally. It is a world where you won't be judged, and you will always find a supportive girl to lean on and become friends with. We are on the cusp of great societal changes. We have the ability to help each other through the difficulties still to come, and all be stronger, better people for it. Welcome to the world I live in. Welcome to a place I love. A safe place to be who you are...inside and out....and a place where we can all laugh, cry, be shocked, be turned on, be motivated, be creative, be unique, and be loved. Your always welcome in Mikayla Jay's World. Thanks y'all.

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piesforjack · 7 years ago

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there's a lot of back and forth with this where Kent was both Jack's first and closest best friend and also Bitty was the first person he was romantically in love with and yet even with Bitty jack wasn't really aware of how he felt till last minute. Considering it is already hard enough to differ romantic/platonic love when one is highly emotionally intelligent and Jack isn't by a long shot and Jack has been an unreliable narrator before its still hard to know just what the relationship was.

"You know when it’s the last summer of your childhood and you’re just hanging with your bro and you’re smoothing out his cowlick and you fondly call him Kenny while trying not to think about how mercilessly cruel fate is lol you know bros being bros" the same as "I didn't even know we were dating" Camilia

––reflect how the artist views Parse, which is sympathetically. Not to mention in her notes, she frames their summer fling as being emotionally significant to not just Parse, but also Jack. The scene that you point out of Jack telling Bitty about his exes shows a skewed narrative bias in that either Bitty, because he dislikes K, minimizes his importance to Jack (thru the meta narrative of the comic) OR (sorry these are long, i don't mean to be contrary) (2)

(srsly sorry for spamming ur inbox) OR Jack has compartmentalized and reduced the emotional remembrance of his relationship with K to cope with both his NDE and his abusive relationship with K. I say all that to say I completely agree that a relationship between Jack and K*nt is VERY unhealthy, but that Jack's own feelings towards K have been downplayed because K will still have a significant narrative impact. (3)

Again sorry for spamming ur inbox with these. I do agree with most of your post!! And this #confirmed isn't the last we've seen of K*nt. (4)

idk when you sent all the messages (not even sure if the first on IS your original message anyway????) but i’m JUST seeing these now. ANYWAY.

so like. i see what you’re trying to say here, but i still gotta like. push back against this a bit.

“in her notes, she frames their summer fling as being emotionally significant to not just Parse, but also Jack”

The scene that you point out of Jack telling Bitty about his exes shows a skewed narrative bias in that either Bitty, because he dislikes K, minimizes his importance to Jack (thru the meta narrative of the comic)

obviously we know bitty is an unreliable narrator, and ngozi has made it clear that what jack and p*rse had was significant in some ways (first sexual partner, i can assume, first boy he ever kissed we assume, lots of firsts and lots of fumbling weird teenager-y beginnings etc), but it’s definitely not as significant as the scale people pretend it to be. the thing that i think is the biggest difference is that, for jack? what he had with k*nt and camilla was equal (but different.) hear me out:

we know jack and p*rse were best friends and that jack cared for him deeply at the time, but this direct parallel of “didn’t even know we were dating” camilla and “it really wasn’t more than anything physical” k*nt narratively illustrates that jack views these situations as separate but equal. jack was never in love with p*rse. we can assume (i mean we know but for arguments sake lets say it’s meta) he didn’t love camilla either. both relationships were purely physical and/or loosely resembled dating from the other persons perspective (ie. not from jack’s POV). from that we can gather that jack never considered these to be romantic relationships, even if he felt fondly of k*nt or enjoyed spending time with camilla. jack’s disconnect between romance and friendship vs how he views things with bitty is everything you need to know.

(this isn’t me comparing the relationships, bc one was obviously unhealthy and not even a defined romantic relationship, whereas the other is a committed exclusive partnership--rather this is an exemplar of jack’s interpretation of both relationships as separate and unequal in terms of quality and definition)

Considering it is already hard enough to differ romantic/platonic love when one is highly emotionally intelligent and Jack isn't by a long shot and Jack has been an unreliable narrator before its still hard to know just what the relationship was.

ok i would argue heavily with the sentiment that jack isn’t highly emotionally intelligent because he’s proven time and time again that while he isn’t perfect he’s more aware than people like to believe he is. the ability to control emotions is a huge component of this particular intelligence, even more so than the expression of emotions. for example, we all know people who are emotionally sporadic, they go from happy to sad to angry to guilty all in the span of a 10 minute window. these people, though emotionally expressive and (usually) empathetic to a fault, they don’t exhibit high emotional intelligence. jack has shown over and over again that, while he can be unthinkingly insensitive and a bit cold, he’s very in tune with other peoples emotions, which is why his rudeness to bitty was so shocking and hurtful--he knows how to cut to the quick, he knows what buttons to press, how to hurt people in specific and painful ways (“it was a lucky shot”) but on the other side of that coin he also knows how to be supportive and attentive to peoples needs (pep talks and hanging around with the haus boys, all of whom are emotional and expressive, and shitty, my lord, his best friend shitty, if that doesn’t prove how not robotic and emotionally devoid jack is then idk what could.) that combined with the fact that jack is so firmly in control of his emotional expressiveness (especially including the fact that he has a history of mental illness) shows incredible resilience and deep understanding of his mental and emotional processes (ie. jack knows jack best)

((also i can already hear the “um but he didn’t realize he liked bitty until like tHe LaSt SeCoNd!!!” argument and i know i know!!!!! but i believe his ~realization~ moment was more him understanding that letting go of bitty was something he didn’t want to/have to do. i think he already knew he was sweet on bitty and that he liked him more than he allowed himself to believe. but i think his dad/gretzsky pep talk gave him the nudge, the final push to see it clearly, more of a realization of “you don’t have to leave and wonder what could’ve been, you can have all this and heaven too. you’ll never know if you never try.))

so to say that jack is essentially too blind to emotional intelligence to know the difference between his relationship with k*nt and a romantic relationship...a touch absurd and wholly inaccurate.

OR Jack has compartmentalized and reduced the emotional remembrance of his relationship with K to cope with both his NDE and his abusive relationship with K.

this, for me, is a bit of a reach. ofc this is valid and very real, it could happen, trauma does awful things to people. however, i feel like pulling this as the reason he brushes off his not-relationship with k*nt greatly undermines the fact that jack has gone through so much. he’s had years to think about and discuss these things through therapy and rehab. i think to say that p*rse is so inexplicably linked to jack’s NDE that jack compartmentalized or repressed the actuality of that relationship is...inaccurate, given the context we have.

yes, jack cut k*nt out of his life before or after the OD, and so we can assume there was some connection there between the two events (OD and cutting k*nt out) HOWEVER, i think it greatly over-simplifies this trauma. to think that jack would come away from a NDE and thusly cope by cutting k*nt out seems to imply that k*nt wasn’t actualized as abusive until post-NDE, which makes very little sense when we look at the canonical timeline and the emotional and mental vulnerability jack would be in after trauma like that. alternatively, if jack cut k*nt out of his life pre NDE, it’s even LESS likely to be associated as one unifying repression (i speak only from my own experiences with trauma, i feel like that’s important to say) simply because that implies jack’s OD was in relation or as a result of that action.

i’m guess what i’m saying for this point is: yes it’s possible but i don’t think that’s what happened, if only because both scenarios are too p*rse centric and would revolve around p*rse to the point that it minimizes jack’s illness and trauma, which are both huge focal points surrounding jack’s OD.

I say all that to say I completely agree that a relationship between Jack and K*nt is VERY unhealthy, but that Jack's own feelings towards K have been downplayed because K will still have a significant narrative impact.

i have to disagree again. do i think k*nt is an antagonist? absolutely! but so is southern homophobia, bitty’s procrastination, and the entire nhl organization. so. yes, i’m sure k*nt will play a role in the playing out of yr 4, but i have to stress this again: this is bitty’s story. p*rse, no matter how much we link him to jack and jack’s history and jack’s narrative, will ALWAYS BE a background or side plot storyline to whatever is prevalent in BITTY’S world. that’s as a result of an unreliable narrator and also the fact that, unless p*rse begins to overlap into bitty’s life more than he has in the past, we’ll only see the peripheral view of him (which can’t be told through unreliable narration as it’s told through that of the author (ngozi) rather than bitty bc obviously bits isn’t omnipotent lol)

i’m sorry this is soooo fuckin long, it’s also super late/early? so i’m sorry if it doesn’t make 100% coherent sense, i had no intentions of writing this much but alas! it got away from me.

thanks for your thoughts, i hope i’m making any sense in here xx

#mine #kent mention #Anonymous

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littlelovelymemes · 8 years ago

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✰ * º ❛ more popular text posts ask meme. ❜

‘ if i’m ever murdered i hope they make the chalk outline of my body hot ’ ‘ i hope you end up ok ’ ‘ i’m crying my best ’ ‘ how fucked up would it be if an astronaut was coming back to earth and everybody hid for a bit ’ ‘ some kid just skateboarded down my street crying ’ ‘ do you ever get in an “i don’t know” phase in your life. where you literally don’t have a solid answer to anything. you. just. don’t. know. ’ ‘ i guess at this point i should just consider dating myself ’ ‘ which of the three pillars of modern music is your favourite: burnin’ up by the jonas brothers, beautiful soul by jesse mccartney, or lucky by britney spears? ’ ‘ you know my name… and also my story cause i overshare 24/7 tbh ’ ‘ @ all of u that hate mint ice cream: what happened ’ ‘ there is no doubt in my mind i’m really that bitch ’ ‘ after you hit 21, you start forgetting your age cause ain’t nothing else to look forward to, besides sweet death ’ ‘ why am i not currently in the italian countryside with a fruit plate wearing a light linen dress? unacceptable ’ ‘ hands are weird because one of them can do absolutely everything without a problem and the other one can’t even hold a spoon ’ ‘ remember to drink a fucking shit ton of water every miserable day of ur life ’ ‘ what the fuck is a good day ’ ‘ sleeping pattern: ??¿?¿??¿¿¿?¿ ’ ‘ is he………you know…….*makes football throwing motion*….straight? ’ ‘ does anyone else have a resting bitch face™, but kinda enjoys looking intimidating ’ ‘ i’m not like most girls [rips off sunglasses]… i like most girls ’ ‘ time flies when u take a 2hr depression nap in the middle of the day ’ ‘ roses are red, i’m going to bed ’ ‘ u know when ur hairs greasy and it makes u feel so so so bad about urself. and ur entire life. everything is awful bc my hair is greasy ’ ‘ i’m just so glad the word “ugh” was invented ’ ‘ just another day of loving with all my heart and believing in the universe ’ ‘ you know when dogs sit outside with their face turned towards the sun and their eyes closed and they look so relaxed and when you pet them they’re warm that’s how I want to feel always ’ ‘ come into bed and listen to the rain with me ’ ‘ i hope all my girls out here r safe n being loved ’ ‘ people are so petty and then here i am, me, an angel, ’ ‘ i want to have angel wings and be kinder, braver and more tender ’ ‘ concept: a really nice italian restaurant but it’s spelled “spagooter” on the menu and the waiters won’t take your order unless you pronounce it like that ’ ‘ i want kids but i’m scared they’ll blame me if they’re ugly ’ ‘ does anyone have any tips for not thinking about it ’ ‘ “what’s a queen without her king?” well, historically, better ’ ‘ i want something that doesn’t taste like alcohol but has a lot of alcohol in it ’ ‘ i’m alive out of spite ’ ‘ the beatles wouldn’t even fucking exist if big time rush hadn’t paved the path for them so shut the fuck up ’ ‘ a bad person? who, me? that would be correct, ’ ‘ you hate me? wow u think ur hot shit and original huh well i hated me first so u can go grab a number and wait ur turn ’ ‘ my heart does a little “!” when I see you ’ ‘ i just want to say from the bottom of my heart i didn’t sign up for this shit ’ ‘ i deadass lost interest in everything. im just cruising on autopilot rn ’ ‘ still got love for some people i know i’ll never talk to again. ’ ‘ my mitochondria clearly aren’t working because this bitch has NO FUCKING ENERGY ’ ‘ y’all i get attached to people so quickly wth ’ ‘ i wonder how many strangers hate me bc of how someone else described me to them ’ ‘ for the 80th year in a row, the song of the summer is Everytime We Touch by Cascada ’ ‘ it’s weird to think that people who are 5 ft are only 5 subways long ’ ‘ in alcohol’s defense i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too ’ ‘ man this has been the worst life of my life ’ ‘ having “feelings” is ruining my reputation of being a heartless bitch ’ ‘ I Have To Be Dramatic. 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#rp meme #ask meme #indie rp #sentence starters #rp sentence meme #inbox meme #inbox memes #rp inbox meme #sentence starter meme #rp sentence starters #starters #rp ask meme #rp ask box meme

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sweetnestor · 7 years ago

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You Look Happier | Chapter 8

university au, teamiplier + jack

platonic/romance/angst/(smut at one point but it’ll only be on ao3)

previous chapter

“I have a question,” Ethan prompted one night when I had picked him up from campus.

Four words that immediately made me want to shit myself. But it’s Ethan, so I tried to silence the string of worrisome thoughts in my head.

“Okay.”

“How come you never let me drive?” he asked.

It was bound to happen. I had rehearsed telling him before, but I couldn’t do it. I mean I could, I just sounded irrational and dumb.

“Um…” Good start, Bella. “It’s a thing…” Even better. “And anxiety thing. I just get really, really on edge when other people drive. I don’t know why.” That’s a fucking lie, I know damn well what causes that specific anxiety, but it was for another conversation. “I just, I have to always be driving.”

He didn’t say anything at first. My stomach began flipping over. Now I’ve done it. I was too insane for him. This is where it ends.

“I’m sorry,” he spoke at last. “Could you repeat that?”

Oh.

“I get nervous when other people drive,” I said. Short and sweet.

“Can I ask why?”

“Anxiety’s a bitch. But being the driver keeps me calm, so…”

Ethan hummed. “So… I could never drive you to, like, a surprise date or anything?”

My heart ached a little bit. I shrugged in response. “I don’t know.”

“Hm. Well, that’s okay. Whatever makes you comfortable.” He paused. “Can I ask another question?”

I chuckled out of nerves. “Okay.”

“Do you care… or, does it matter to you…” He paused again. “Uh… words, I know those. Um, does it matter that we, uh, only go on dates when we’re in the car? Or, wait no - does it bother you that we don’t go on, um, fancy dates?”

“Well,” I started, “I think any amount of time we spend alone together counts as a date. And no, I’m not really bothered by what we do or where we go as long as we’re together.”

“Aww…” he sounded reassured, but then he was quiet again. “It’s just that… when I was at PAX, and I told my friends about us, they - well, we always make fun of each other ‘cause we’re all idiots - but uh… what was I saying? Fuck!”

“You told your friends about us,” I reminded him.

“Oh yeah! Oh…” Ethan perked up for a second but then was timid again. “They just said some stuff about not knowing how to show a girl a good time, and… Well, it doesn’t matter what we do, I like spending time with you. I just wanted to, uh, know if we’re, uh… on the same page.”

Again, my heart was doing crazy things. For some reason, I didn’t think he cared about my thoughts on our time together. I was happy to do whatever he wanted, honestly.

“We are,” I reassured. “Like I said, I don’t care what we do as long as we’re together.”

“What about your anxiety?”

I hesitated. “Okay, there’s some things we can’t do, or…” Now I was struggling with my words. I was now debating whether or not I could try things with him that normally scared me, like going to a restaurant, the movies, or even sex. Oh god, is there the possibility of us having sex? “But, um, I’m fine with us having car dates. I just wanna spend time with you.” Nice save.

Ethan reached over and squeezed my shoulder. The touch was random, but I liked it.

“Did your friends say anything about us?” I asked, because it was going to bug me along with the other intimacy crap circulating my mind.

“Oh, they’re glad I finally hired someone to be my girlfriend,” he casually said. “Which reminds me, I need to talk to you about your paycheck.”

“Oh yeah, if I’m putting in all these night shifts, I expect to be paid extra,” I told him.

He giggled and played with a strand of my hair. “I picked the right girl.”

I blushed as I pulled into a drive-thru. “Yes, I like having you as my fake boyfriend who pays me to hang out with him.”

We got food and I parked in a more secluded area of the lot. It was a quarter to nine, so there was still some commotion around the place. I preferred the small space of my car to a crowded restaurant anyway.

“What does Sean think of us?” Ethan asked after a while.

“He was happy when I told him,” I replied. “But I think he wants to give you like a ‘dad talk’ or something.” The thought made me chuckle.

“What did he say?” He sounded amused.

“Something about me being his ‘blossoming flower’ and that you better be good to me ‘or else.’ Dad stuff. Just wait til he sees you on campus or something.” I shrugged it off as I giggled.

“That’ll be fun.”

We went silent as we ate, letting the night sink in. I wasn’t thinking too hard about anything I had said to Ethan all night. It felt easy for the most part. Things felt calmer with him, that was the difference between this relationship and my past ones.

“So,” Ethan spoke up again, “is Jack like… your dad…? Or, a brother?”

I took a sip of my drink and thought about it. “I don’t know, actually. He’s family to me. Most times he’s my brother. Sometimes, he’s the dad… other times he’s the cool aunt, or a distant cousin. I don’t know. He’s my best friend.”

He hummed in response. “That’s nice.”

I wanted to say that Jack was probably my strongest reason to stay alive in the last few months, but it was probably too soon for all that dark stuff to arise. Well, despite the fact that Ethan had already seen me in one of my lowest points, which made me think even more. Were we going to pretend like my intervention never happened?

A pang of anxiety went through my chest. I took a deep breath, actually trying to remember what I learned in therapy. New relationship. We weren’t going to talk about everything within the first couple of weeks. These things take time.

“Do you have a best friend?” I asked him.

He sat up, a bit more excited now. “Yeah! She’s back home in Maine, so I haven’t seen her in a while. Oh! But she’s the best, I’ve known her since…”

I listened as he gushed about this girl. I wondered if that was how I looked and sounded when I spoke of Jack. Still, I listened, glad to be knowing about my boyfriend’s other friends. But in the back of my head, I still had a feeling of impending doom over the possibility of meeting all the people that were important to him. It was bound to happen.

Naturally, after who-knows-how-long of sharing friend stories, we stopped talking. We were looking at each other the way they do in those gross romantic movies. I had gotten pepped up and excited over his gushing so I was in a good mood now.

“You’re so pretty,” Ethan mumbled. He was twiddling a long strand of my hair between his fingers. He was doing that more and more often these days.

“No, you,” I said back, booping his nose.

He hummed and brushed the end of my hair against my cheek. I couldn’t help but grin like a doofus. Then, he started to lean in, making butterflies explode in my stomach. Ethan’s hand then suddenly moved to the base of my neck as he pulled me in for a kiss.

My hand flew to his arms, mildly startled by the gesture. But I didn’t want to stop. I tried to move closer, but the space between our seats was making things difficult. I pulled back, and the air was suddenly heightened. How far was this going to go? We were in the car, in a public place.

“You wanna go to the back?” Ethan softly asked.

Jesus Christ, how could I say no to that voice?

I nodded and went first. As I climbed to the backseat, I felt that bundle of anxiety develop in my chest again. Oh god, not now. I could push through it.

Ethan quickly joined me, pausing for a moment when he was sat next to me. The longer we sat in silence, the more the feelings in my chest and throat intensified. I quickly leaned in and kissed him again, trying not to throw myself all over him. No need to rush things.

It was comfortable. I liked the feeling of him kissing me and biting my lip. Getting kissed by Ethan was something I didn’t know I needed. I shyly placed my hand on the side of his neck, scooting just a little closer to him. His hand moved from my waist to the inner part of my thigh.

That’s when I couldn’t ignore the anxiety anymore.

When I pulled back, I gasped for air. I didn’t remove myself from Ethan completely though, but my sudden move did startle him. My heart was pounding, but I couldn’t tell if it was good or bad. My breathing was short, but I wasn’t sure if it was from making out with him, or because I was about to spiral.

“Hey,” Ethan said, lifting my chin. He stroked my cheek with his thumb. “Everything okay?”

“It’s…” I breathed out, “it’s been a while. I’m… I’m just nervous.”

“It’s okay, me too. Look.” Ethan leaned back and held his hand up; It was trembling. “You’re not alone here.”

That was soothing. I sighed, somewhat relieved.

“I wasn’t really expecting to go… all the way, anyway,” he continued as he sat back. “I’m sorry if I rushed anything.”

I shook my head, trying to keep my thoughts in order. “No, no, you didn’t do anything. My… my brain wants to fuck me over sometimes. It’s not you at all. I liked it, I liked y-you… touching my thigh… I’m just, my brain… my brain…”

Ethan took my shaky hand in his. “It’s okay. I understand. We can go slower if you want.”

It was reassuring. He was doing everything right. Still, I couldn’t help the guilt and embarrassment.

“You shouldn’t have to deal with this,” I told him, leaning back against the window.

“What do you mean?”

“My anxiety.”

“I’ve known about it from the start. I knew that things like this were going to happen.”

“But it’s worse than just this,” I said. “I have full blown panic attacks where I literally think I’m dying. I could probably never go to a movie theatre, or any place that’s crowded because it triggers the attacks. I could never let you drive. Sometimes I’ll even throw up because the anxiety is so intense.”

“So how do I help you?” he asked. “What helps you when you’re having a panic attack?”

I looked at him, mildly surprised. “I… Talk to me about literally anything, it’s distracting and it helps. I usually need water… and remind me to breathe every so often. Don’t count how long I breathe, it makes me feel weird. My hand tingles too, um, holding it and squeezing actually helps.”

He did it right as I said it. The feeling was strangely calming.

“That’s the only touch I can handle when I’m in the middle of it,” I continued. “So, no hugs or back rubbing. Um… that’s most of it, I think. B-But, don’t feel obligated to help me at all, I can usually power through it on my own, you really don’t have to-”

“Babe.” Ethan hesitated. “If I can call you that… I’m here for you. I will help you in whatever way I can. Okay?”

I looked down at our intertwined fingers. “You can call me whatever you want.”

“Alright then, shithead. I’m here for you, okay?”

I lied my head on his shoulder to hide the tiny grin. “Whatever you say, fuckface.”

My semester at YTU wasn’t as busy as I had anticipated. Only three days into it, I couldn’t help but feel like I should have been doing something more. Jack was busy with classes from eight to two, and then recording until the late evening. Ethan’s class schedule was a bit more scattered, so in between lectures he was at Mark’s office, and then recording for his own channel.

All I could do was wait. I had an hour or two to kill between my second and third class. I got a text from Sophie, inviting me over to her dorm. Knee jerk reaction: Ignore the text. Slightly rationalized reaction: make up an excuse. Even more rationalized: do it because you have nothing better to do!

I did go, after arguing with myself for a good ten minutes in my car. I had only been to the girls’ dorms a couple of times, and it was in fact Sophie’s room I had been to. Luckily, she never changed rooms in the time she’s been on campus, so I would be going to a familiar setting.

Aria was there too. Better her than a complete stranger. The air wasn’t as tense as I had feared it would be. I hadn’t spoken to either of them since that day in my apartment.

“So how’ve you been?” asked Aria who was plopped down on Sophie’s perfectly made bed.

“She means generally,” added the blonde, who was working at her desk. Then, she almost dramatically turned in her chair to face me. “Unless you wanna talk about anything?”

I refrained from rolling my eyes. She was trying, I suppose.

“I’m fine, really,” I told both girls. Kinda wanted to tell them I had a boyfriend now, but I didn’t really trust either of them. “Things are fine. What about you guys?”

Aria rolled over and began rambling. “Okay, so we’re working on another show for the team, ad we need more sponsors and new routines. And we also need a wider music variety because we used a lot of the same artist last show. Oh! And we’re opening up auditions again soon - do you wanna try out for the team?”

“Uh, I don’t dance,” I replied simply.

“That’s true,” Sophie piped up. Thanks. “She’s a singer.”

“Oh, you should totally sing with us at the Friday show!” Aria exclaimed.

“I-I’ve done that before,” I told her. “I’m… trying not to take on too much at once.”

“Yeah, we sang together like… what was it? A year, or two ago?” Sophie added.

That was true. During my second semester, I sang a Taylor Swift cover at one of the infamous Friday talent shows. Apart from the video that was taken that night, I didn’t remember any of it. Whether it was the intense nerves or the alcohol, it was a blank in my head.

I stuck around with the two girls until I had to leave for my next class. After that, I sat in a semi-crowded classroom for two hours without crying. Then I went to Jack’s dorm and waited for him to finish recording. By the time we were leaving for dinner, I got a text from Mark who wanted to meet at the end of the week.

Right. Things were better between us. I had mentioned the small interaction I had with Amy on Moving Day, and he liked the idea of us meeting up on our own. That day was still yet to come, but it was sitting in the back of my head like a bomb waiting to go off.

_______

next chapter

#crankgameplays x oc #ethan nestor x reader #jacksepticeye x reader #jacksepticeye x oc #crankgameplays fanfic #ethan nestor fanfic #ylh fic #sweetheart writes #as i write this its the night before i leave for a week #b r o #my head is in pain #i typed this from my notebook without stopping and it took longer than expected #bc i changed a part at the last minute #i am Tired #but yeah this is a just a giant load of ethella bonding time :')#anyway idk where the fcuk im going in the next chapter #but hopefully ill have it figured out by next week #so yeah thanks babies #just me and your shadow and all of my q'd posts

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delilahmidnight · 7 years ago

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Ah ok, I see, we’re supposed to believe that this asshole personality of Connors has been his coping mechanism after watching wes die. Yeah, right.

I kind of feel annalise in this scene a lot. Obvs I haven’t been thru what she has but group therapy has never made me feel better. Even if the entire group listened and validated me, I’d still feel the gnawing doubt of, you don’t really know me, you have no idea who I am or what I’ve been thru or what a horrible person I am–how can I trust you? And that just me with my regular old depression, without Annalise’s added trauma/ptsd

You know it’s sooooooo funny to me, connor acts like a jerk–literally all the time, I cannot name one nice thing he’s ever done off the top of my head–and were supposed to believe that inside he’s this misunderstood bad boy with a heart of gold when a) he seems to have an enviably good and supportive relationship with his family, so he can’t blame a bad childhood for it, and b)….he’s literally……never done anything……to prove otherwise. Ever. Like, people hate him and don’t believe he could be a good person because he’s never shown inclination to be one. He’s never given anyone a reason to be nice to him, being the nasty little bitch he is to everyone all the time for absolutely no reason and with no provocation. People believe he’s an asshole, because he’s a fucking asshole. Whose fault is that?

MY BABY PUTTING THAT SHITHEAD IN 👏 HIS 👏 PLACE 👏👏👏

But she still can’t look any of them in the eyes when telling them off, except connor when he’s directly jeopardizing annies case

Baby!! She’s trying af but annie can’t help interfering–we know annie could do a better job but she’s not even giving bonnie a chance and i think the judge is right–she should just try her own case if it bugs her that much, dont embarrass bonnie!

I KNOW SHE ISN’T BUT IT LOOKS LIKE BONNIES WEARING SUSPENDERS AND ITS MAKING ME FEEL REALLY BIG GAY FEELINGS

Bonnies literally always tuned in to the Annalise channel isn’t she 24/7 always thinkin bout her wondering if she needs anything like dam bish get a hobby

Asher “chuckleheads” skdjggjcjkdjfnf

Nate is an amazing baldfaced liar

Asher trying so hard to protect laurel. Autistic!Michaela not understanding Ashers hint. Laurel being stubborn as usual, and then even more stubbornly forcing herself to look at the photos. Bonnies mouth quirking down and away the way it does when shes unspeakably sad in company. Bonnie being the one to gently turn over the photos.

Listen. Baby has not only butterflies, but pressed seaweed and a pink (!!) bathrobe hanging in that bathroom. I’ve never been so in love with my tiny fairy starlight child g o s h

Lmao I’m having coming out flashbacks too

No one ever notices Bonnie. So bonnie notices everything.

“Might have”??? “Might have killed wes”???? What the fuck does that mean??!?

Ok I know this is all very dramatic and all but

LOOK AT MY BABY MY SWEET LITTLE PUMPKIN–SHES IN HER BARE FEETIES RIGHT NOW EVERYONE ELSE AROUND HER IS TALLER AND SHOES ON BUT HERE SHE IS BAREFOOT ON THE HARDWOOD I CANNOT EVEN (sidenote this is the most bonnie picture ever or what–the butterflies, her pose, standing at the edge of the group like wow)

I mean like I don’t think he killed wes but that doesn’t mean he’s not an asshole or that I like him at all

Yikes. Thats….a bit far, laurel.

The return of guard puppy!bonnie

OH MY GOD

LOOK AT HER LEGS. SHE’S WEARING UGGS. MY BABY. IS WEARING. UGGS. I KNOW IT’S ACTUALLY LIZA AND WE WEREN’T MEANT TO SEE IT BUT. OH MY GOD. BITTY’S FEETIES GOT COLD

Oh gosh her wrists are still crooked even tho shes furious at connor shes still shrinking into herself When Will I Die

Don’t be fucking RUDE TO MY CHILD YOU SNIVELING SHITSTAIN

Annie dismissing bonnie, but in the most gentle way shes ever done. Bonnie giving THIS DEFIANT FACE

TO CONNOR BECAUSE SHES SO READY TO FUCK HIM UP. Bonnie still hating being dismissed because she wants to protect annie, and taking it out on the kids

Connor is like. The worst.

Did you ever see a woman so beautiful you started crying

Lmfao bonnie is.

Not amused with Laurels gallows humor.

Definitely expected bonnie to offer to go with laurel to the obgyn ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

OMMMMMMMMM BITTYS JEALOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!! And annie starting at the sound of her voice 😂

Bonnie moving in closet to barely whispe her suspicions to annie–and the fuckign height difference, I’m being murdered in my house on a Friday night

Awwwwmmmm babyjaan!! Its not like she would give Annie any vodka even if she did have any in the house so idk why annies even asking 😂

I mean meggy absolutely has the right to shut laurel out after how awful she was to her, but I really, REALLY want them to be friends and support each other because god do they both need it

The look annie gives connor for offering to take the stand….almost makes me not dislike him as much. Almost.

Bonnie looking to annie for approval and annie nodding, I’m gonna fucjing die oh god

I mean she did shitty things af, but i kinda feel sorry for atwood too

My bitty baby with her fairy fingers dancing, even in court

Bonnies apology to annie and her voice going hoarse…..im gonna kill meself

Bitty baby walking so slowly and sadly with annie, and getting so JEALOUUUUSUSUSUSUSUSUSUSUS WHEN SHE WALKS AWAY TO BE WITH NATE AJSKFKGJDJAKSKDKGKDKSL

The kids all tryna save Connors dumb ass from doing something dumb

Holy. Shit. Oh my god it was denver the whole time. But wait, who is that guy??? Where have I seen him before??? And who did wes call that day at the station???

#how to get away with murder #bonnie winterbottom #annalise keating #bonnalise #laurel castillo #meggy #michaela pratt #nate lahey #connor walsh #asher millstone #murder kids #personal

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stretchjournalemerson · 5 years ago

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My Phantom Limb

By Graysen Winchester

Being without you is like having a phantom limb. I felt your heart beating tonight, next to mine.

Happy Birthday my beautiful girl. I can’t express how happy I am for you. I could see it & feel it the moment we started to move you into your dorm. You were lighter. And I exhaled. I know you will have days that don’t go like you would like them to… but the most important thing is you are where you are supposed to be. Your heart and soul yearned for this opportunity. You worked so hard for it & you earned it. I always tell you to eat well & nourish your body. Practice self-care and feed your soul. Emerson and Boston is feeding your soul. You get to study the things you are passionate about & you get to be surrounded by culture, like minded people & history. It makes my heart happy that you are happy. 19 years ago today I gave birth to the most beautiful soul. I am grateful for all the beauty you have given the world & the beauty you have given to the people who know and love you. I love you so much! I hope you have a wonderful day. Enjoy dinner with your friends.

Always & Forever,

Mom

Memory is notably untrustworthy, but childhood memories are especially so. I have many memories from our old house that I visit in my head, often retold and reshaped so much that they have taken on new forms. When I first got my license, I used to drive past that house every month just so I wouldn’t forget it. The new owners put on solar panels and redid the driveway that my brothers used as a dirtbike jump. As I drove past the house I would fantasize about going inside, seeing the house that I never got to say goodbye to. Memories would flash by, as they do, in glimpses, feelings. The time before dinner, after my mom got back from the hospital where I promised myself that I would be the perfect daughter. I sat in my room, Taylor Swift posters covering every corner, promising myself that I wouldn’t ever add to the pain she felt. I would have to be the thing that kept her sane.

My mom always loved to scream at me when we were in the car, preferably on a long drive, preferably when it was just the two of us. This way she knew she could be as loud as she wanted and if I tried to speak she could turn up the radio so loud that I wouldn’t be heard. I was leaving soon to Boston, and we both had a lot to say but we weren’t saying anything. We had been planning this day for a long time, a day where we both didn’t work and a day where we could sort out loans, money, housing, money, money, did we have enough money? We both knew that we didn’t, but we both knew I was going to leave anyways.

“Have you applied for any loans yet, Graysen?”

“No mom, just like the past hundreds of times you asked, I still need a cosigner and I don’t know which loans to even apply for.”

“Okay.”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

“Really?”

“Really, what?”

“Did I say something?”

“No.”

We are in the Starbucks drive thru and a minute passes by. We sit in silence.

“Why are you acting so stupid about this?” I say, thinking this will break the tension.

As I said this, she sits up straight, smirks aggressively, and lets out one sharp breath. To most, these three gestures would go unnoticed, but as an expert of my mother’s passively hostile cues, my stomach dropped. Soon she would be digging her fingernails into the steering wheel.

“Should we even go to lunch? Obviously you don’t need my help.”

I revert to recovery mode, telling her anything that I think that she wants to hear. I didn’t mean “stupid”. I just say that sometimes to mean lots of other things. I’m not the best with words, I’m sorry. Why do we need to fight? Yes, I need your help, of course I do. I’ve always needed you, I always will. She is past convincing, but I don’t know it yet. We head to a sandwich shop, something I suggested.

“We could go somewhere else.”

“No, this is fine.” she says flatly.

We order and sit down. I try to talk about loans, she dismisses the subject saying that I clearly don’t want her help. I don’t appreciate her and I never have. She brings out all the stops. Everything in the history of my life, every instance in which I fell short. Every time I took her for granted, she keeps a tally in the back of her head. I know when she is about to dig her fingernails into the steering wheel and she knows exactly what to say so that I cry so hard that my nose bleeds. It starts with a choked plea, an apology, but she won’t hear me. Before long, she gets to the hard hitters. I pay for your therapy, I do everything for you, why do you refuse to be happy? She storms out to the car, throwing her sandwich away, not one bite taken. I shuffle to follow her, realizing that people are trying not to look at the scene we had just made, the tears streaming down my face, the uneaten sandwich stuffed in the trash can.

I am trapped in the car as she screams. I have never screamed at anyone at the volume at which she can scream at me. I suppose I’ve never been a mom before, I’ve never gone through what she has, but I can’t imagine screaming so loud. I can’t imagine weaponizing words told in confidence, words told reluctantly. I am crying so hard, no longer listening to what she is saying, trying not to let her dig any deeper. I focus on the blood dripping from my nose and running down my leg. I hated myself because she hated me. If she, the one who knows me best, can hate me like this, who could ever love me?

I get home and I want to drive away but my mom takes my keys. After cleaning the blood from my face, I run barefoot to the park. My grandma asks my mom what happened. She says nothing. I call my aunt and she talks me down, driving to our house to make sure I’m okay. She says that my mom is just going to miss me a lot and that she has a funny way of showing it. She loves me too much. I wonder, is this what love looks like?

After I got out of a performance I knew that my mom would be there. She was always there and she always brought flowers, even when I told her that she didn’t need to do that.

Before I left for college, I decided to see my grandma that I hadn’t seen for seven years. I didn’t mean for seven years to pass, but it did. I always said we would get dinner, but things were complicated and I didn’t like pretending. But I was an adult now and she never did anything to me. It was her son, not her, that I didn’t want to talk to. We talked about the basics: college, hobbies, the past seven years. I felt like I was introducing myself to someone that I should know. My brothers knew her so well. Things were going great. She told me about the day I was born and how she was up the night before crafting a wreath, how she had a psychic crafty feeling that I was going to be born. Everything went well until she said that she wished my mom would have let us do this earlier. This, I took issue with. This statement was one I was used to hearing from my dad, one that completely undermined any sense of agency on my part. One that painted me as a puppet of my mother’s, which I was not. I have never been someone’s, this is something I needed to make clear. I told myself I wasn’t going to get hostile, but my voice got stern when I explained to her that my mom has always tried her best, always given us all she could, that I love her very much, that she encouraged me to talk to my dad’s side of the family, that I was the one who chose not to talk until now. She didn’t talk about my mom after that.

My mom loves to tell the same story over and over again. Even new stories have the same ring to them as the old ones do.

Last Christmas, my mom got my brothers and I matching framed photos of a hummingbird. In the gift, there was a lengthy handwritten explanation. Hummingbirds are symbolic in native cultures… hummingbirds are seen as healers and bringers of love, good luck and joy. She wanted that for us always. She said that we had to keep these hummingbirds until the day we die. She said that if we didn’t, she would haunt us from the grave. We laughed about it, I promised I would have that hummingbird with me on my wedding night and on my deathbed. I forgot to pack it when I came to Boston.

Acknowledgements

I would like to thank my mom for everything she has given to me and her continuous love. I would also like to thank Joan Didion for the inspiration for this essay and her uniquely refreshing approach to writing. Thank you also to Professor Mary Kovaleski Byrnes and Tatum Jenkins for the help in revision of this essay.

#stretch2020 #memoir #stretchjournal

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