#but I was getting anxious about it and couldn't wait any longer lol

[banquetwriter]

this might be too angsty 😭

but can you do one where the reader has chronic anxiety and is literally house bound most of the time because of how bad it gets and johnnie just helps them through it

୨୧ brittle breathes ୨୧

pairing: Johnnie Guilbert ♡︎ Reader

warnings: ୭̥⋆*｡ panic attacks, extreme anxiety 

summary: ʚ reader’s chronic anxiety binds them to their house but Johnnie is able to save them ɞ

Words: 1452

An: sorry it's taking me so long to write i can't help it lol 

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Every day has felt the same to you. You wake up and immediately doom scroll on your phone. Your brain is hyper-fixating on every bad comment you receive. You eventually get off Twitter and turn on YouTube. The torment doesn't end there.

You turn on someone who has consistent uploads, better looking than you, and overall is just better at your job. You feel so sick. Constantly nausea, your hands and feet are freezing, and your brain seems like you mushed it into pieces. 

It had been weeks since you had last uploaded on your channel. It wasn't so bad at first. You felt less anxious at home so you just stayed in more. Unfortunately, it has its talons in you. You could never leave the house anymore.

You were sitting on the couch in sweatpants and a sweatshirt. You hadn't gotten ready in weeks either, posting the occasional post on your Instagram story of something random. 

It wasn't like your fans hadn't noticed, hell everyone in your life had noticed. Your boyfriend Johnnie had asked what was going on with you lately, and he saw it. Of course, he saw it. The light in your eyes slowly dimmed. 

The way you wouldn't do anything anymore. Your interest didn't excite you anymore, you never ate anymore, and the most worrying thing was you'd stopped hanging out with him. 

He knew how hard anxiety could be on a person and how he wanted to help but he also knew how fragile people can be in this head space.

You had dried tears staining your cheeks as you scrolled through Twitter. You were looking at any tweet with your name involved in it. You were just a sad little lump on the couch. It was pathetic really. 

Your heart jumped as a notification went through that Johnnie started a live stream on Twitch. You had forgotten he was going to stream tonight. You clicked on it saying hi in chat. 

“Ahh fuck my settings are all messed up hold on guys,” Johnnie mumbled moving closer to his screen and clicking around. You giggle watching his fans say hi to you in chat. “Alright sorry guys,” he says, sitting up and looking at the chat. 

“Wait, is y/n in chat? A bunch of people are saying hi,” he says looking at the chat zoom bye. You smile to yourself already feeling calmer just by listening to his voice. “Yes, I am ¯\_(ツ)_/¯” you type in the chat. You watch him read the chat and smile to himself. 

He hides his blush by putting his hand over his mouth. The whole interaction made you giggle. He was the only thing that ever made you feel good anymore. You knew that wasn't healthy but you couldn't help it. You texted a black heart emoji to Johnnie.

You sat and watched the stream for a bit longer at some point while Johnnie stopped for a second to respond to your text. ‘Love you nerd’ he said with a heart emoji as well. He smiled down at his phone before realizing he was still streaming and had to keep them entertained. 

He came to a slow point in his stream so he looked over at his chat. “Why isn't y/n posting?” he asked, reading a fan’s words. Your heart skipped a beat. “Um, they are just having a hard time right now. They will be back soon though don't worry,” he answers, it was a true statement.

It just stung that your fans were reaching out to him about you. Johnnie would never make you feel guilty about this of course he understood, it's just you felt like such a burden on him because of this. 

You snapped back into reality, Johnnie had continued his stream and the chat slowly moved on from the topic. You had to do something about this. It was consuming your life.

You swiped away from Twitch and pulled up your messages with Johnnie. ‘Can you come over after the stream?’ you asked. If you were going to get out of this you were going to need help to do it. You had the stream pulled back up again. 

Johnnie was looking down at your phone. ‘I will get an Uber right now.’ was a text Johnnie sent you. You sat up reading the message on the top of your screen. “Hey guys I'm actually going to have to end stream early,” he said looking up from his phone.

You watched the chat as they started to freak out at the sudden end. Well, this wasn't how you wanted things to go. “Everything is ok. I just realized I have something to do.” he murmurs closing all the tabs on his computer going to full screen.

You turn the stream off, your heart pounding. Guilt flooding your veins. You stood up only worsening your dizzy state. You fumbled into the kitchen grabbing a glass of water. You failed, however.

You never made it to the sink. Your brain is racing and your mind is melting. A panic attack flows over your bones and into your soul. Your phone is lost somewhere you don't remember. 

Your breath in rapid paces as you can't make anything out. The lack of oxygen fuels your state. Tears start to pool out of your eyes, you start to sob. The crying mixed with the rapid breath causes you to lose all the air you had.

You can't breathe anymore. Any semblance of being able to return to normal is gone. You fall onto your hands and knees scratching at your throat in immense panic. You try to scream or kick or anything that can save you. 

You don't even hear when Johnnie uses the key you gave him to enter your home. Finding you thrashing on your kitchen floor, tears falling from your eyes. “Y/n?” he yells dropping to the floor with you. 

“What's wrong?” he yells trying to see your face. He manages to grab the side of your face and hold it up. “Can't… breathe,” you mumble, your face starting to lose color. 

“You're ok,” he says looking at you. He isn't able to say it with much conviction. His words betrayed his face as it flooded with worry. You try and fail to return your breathing to normal. Johnnie sees you struggle. 

“Try and follow mine,” he says, unsure of how to help you. You nod your head trying to listen to his breathing. It wasn't any use if you couldn't hear him properly. You hold your hand on his chest, you can feel his exhale and inhale. You could feel his lungs fill with air. 

You tried your best to mimic him. Closing your eyes eventually works. Eventually, you feel your worry melt away, like snow when the weather warms up. It leaves and melts from your body.

Your body relaxes and the tension falls. Johnnie watches as you slowly return back to normal. He brings his hand up to your face and holds you close. You lean into his touch. Your body is slouching.

He wraps his arms around you, holding your body up. “Johnnie?” you ask quietly. The tiredness ebs its way into your body. “Yeah? I'm here. I'm here.” he says slowly. “I need your help. Or someone's I'm not sure. I don't think I can trust anyone else with this.” you whispered to him.

“What's wrong? What can I do?” he asks, moving the hair that fell into your face away. “I have been rotted away by anxiety. I can't leave my house, I can't eat, I cannot do anything anymore. I haven't posted in god knows how long.” you cry standing up and away from him.

He sits up to watch you pace through your apartment. “I can't eat or sleep or talk to anyone without my entire world collapsing. Which isn't helping, it's just making me more anxious.” you cry, pulling at the sides of your face in frustration. 

“What can I do? How can I help you?” he asks while walking up to you. You stop your pacing, before abruptly pulling him into a hug. “I need to start seeing a therapist or something else, I need you to help me,” you whispered into his ear. 

He pulls away, only a little, to see your face. “We can do that for you. I'm sure it's going to get better if you start slowly, ok?” he whispers back. You smile at him sweetly. 

It was going to be hard but little by little you were going to take your life back. You were going to be able to do it with Johnnie. 

[gremlin-girly]

Flufftober Day 27

Alt 8: Written But Never Sent

Pairing: Steve Rogers x gn!Agent!Reader

Tags/Warnings: FLUFF, ANGST (idk why I'm putting Steve through the ringer this week lol), mutual pining (this is apparently my bread and butter as well as my jam), mentions of death, crying/grieving, alcohol consumption/drunk (mentioned), confessions, first kisses, second chances, not beta'd I try to cover everything in my warnings but they are non-exhaustive - please read at your own risk! I will say that this fic is Angst heavy for the majority of it

Summary: You've been missing on a mission for longer than expected; all of your friends and teammates believe the worst to have happened. When packing up your apartment, Steve finds a series of letters addressed to the team in a box in your closet, and decides to read the one addressed to him. Word count: 2.6k

A/N: This one took me longer because I was really struggling with coming up with something for the afternoon stroll prompt. But hey! I think I kinda made this fluffy? We'll ignore the parts that are really sad though. I wanted a little mix of angst and fluff to switch it up. - Love, Grem x

As always, likes, comments and reblogs are appreciated!

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You had went to Hungary over a month ago on a long mission; excited to be flying solo for the first time. Everyone was excited for you too. Natasha had given you a charm bracelet for good luck (that just so happened to be a mini taser), Bucky had shown you had to gut a man three ways, Sam had kindly offered you a lollipop since he had nothing as interesting to gift you last minute and Steve.... Well, Steve had offered some very leaderly advice and urged you to call if anything went wrong and you needed help. You'd assured him, and the others, that you'd be fine but promised to keep it in mind. You waved them goodbye from one of the quinjets and headed for your mission, already daydreaming about returning with grand tales of espionage and action to share with your friends.

But a week and a half ago you went radio silent.

All agents are given 72hours to reach a pre-determined checkpoint, usually a safe house 15 miles from your allocated location for the mission. Usually, when a cover is blown, an agent makes it to a safe house in an average time of 17hours, accounting for hiding out and ensuring they aren't followed.

No one was phased for the first seventeen hours. Not even for the first twenty-four. This was your first mission after all. But the hours dragged longer and longer, and by the 48th hour Steve and the team were desperate to make contact with you and head to Hungary themselves. However, as Nat had pointed out, any other agents in the field could be casualties and putting them at risk was not an option either. So, they had to wait.

Everyone knew what it meant when an agent hadn't checked in for a week.

There were two options; you were either dead or, by the grace of God, you were alive somewhere, somehow, and hadn't managed to make contact.

It was unlikely to be option two.

Although he didn't outwardly show it, Steve was the most affected by your assumed death. He'd planned a welcome home party for you before you left as a congratulations on your first mission, and had been fretting over what flowers to get you (or if he should get any at all). He'd been so proud you were flying solo - you'd been ready - even if he was a little anxious that he couldn't be beside you.

He'd held it together when Sam announced it to the team but barely. He was glad Sam had offered to speak instead of him - Steve wasn't sure he'd be able to make it through just speaking your name. Steve had made sure, as he usually did, to check in on everyone. He nodded along when Tony ranted about getting tracking software in everyone's suits to stop this from happening again and held Wanda when she cried about losing yet another person dear to her.

Hours and hours of endless grief and yet Steve stood tall being everyone else's rock. Being Captain.

Bucky had checked in on him once, and so had Sam, but Steve had only nodded with an "I'm okay. Don't worry about me." They clearly didn't believe him but knew better than to push it just yet. He was grateful for that.

It was when he was at home that night, in the dark of his apartment watching the lights of the city flicker from the window that he finally cried. He couldn't remember the last time he cried so hard but once he started he couldn't stop. Curled in a ball on the floor against the sofa, Steve sobbed until he somehow managed to drag himself to his bedroom in the early hours of the morning.

Steve had only managed to get a few hours sleep before he was up again. He was pouring himself a second coffee and rubbing his tired red eyes when his phone rang.

"Yeah?"

"Steve." It was Fury. "I'm sorry to hear about Y/N."

Steve hums in vague acknowledgement, stirring creamer into his coffee. "What is it?"

Fury sighs into the phone and there's an audible creak as he slumps back into his chair. "There's no easy way to put this but we have to collect Y/N's things from their apartment."

Steve sucks in a breath. Army training makes him bite back vicious comments about how no one knew if you were dead and, even if that were the case, it hadn't even been a month since you'd disappeared. Angry bile burned in his throat and he breathed slowly through his nose, trying not to give away that he was furious. Fury was his friend too - and he was just doing his job.

"We're keeping the lease in their name, don't worry." Fury adds, seemingly noticing Steve's icy demeanour through the phone. "But the belongings and possible traces back to covert operations and the Avengers need to be held in secure storage until... a future time."

There's a heavy beat of silence before Fury continues. "I just thought you may want to be there when the agents pack things up is all."

"I'll be there." Steve says without a second thought. "Just tell me what time."

Steve walked to your apartment that afternoon. He knew it wouldn't be smart to take the motorcycle; the ability to speed and cause more harm to himself than necessary because of his grief was tempting but ultimately pointless.

It was a sunny day. A light breeze softly tousling his hair as he wandered the streets to your apartment. He'd been there a few times - in a totally leader/co-worker/friend manner of course - but the memories that flitted through his brain had him pausing more than once to stop himself from running back home.

One of the first times he'd been to your apartment was your housewarming. You'd finally moved from Natasha's couch into your own place and invited everyone around for drinks and food. You'd thanked him for the flowers he'd brought you when he'd arrived a lot earlier than everyone else and gave him a quick tour of the small apartment, showing off your paintings and trinkets with an infectious glee that had you both giggling and teasing one another. Unlike his apartment, yours had warmth. He'd never felt so at home in a new place before but then again, with you, he always felt like that. Safe.

Another time, you had been drunk. He only remembered when he pushed through the door and saw that you still hadn't fixed the gouge in the doorframe where you'd shoved your key into trying to open your door. Steve chuckled wryly and closed the door behind him. You and the girls had gone out drinking and Steve had offered to be your chaperone home; insisting that as team leader, your safety was priority.

"I don't see you walking Nat home," You had slurred, walking into him multiple times until he took your arm. "Or Wanda."

"Wanda can control people with her powers and Natasha can break four bones in twelve seconds." Steve chuckled, looking down at you. "Come on, you need to get home."

You swayed outside your apartment door, keys poised in hand, eyes narrowing on the key hole. You jabbed viciously, missing the lock entirely, spearing the door frame.

"Whoopsie." You giggled, setting Steve off too.

Steve wandered past your kitchen counter, remembering how he had to unlock the door for you, help you out of your shoes and usher you to bed with a glass of water. You'd looked beautiful that night and he should have told you so.

Tears threatened to spill and Steve was thankful he made it early before any of the agents sent to pack your things. He glanced around your living room, wiping at his eyes. He didn't know where to start. Only that he had to.

A few hours later, Steve finally managed to set foot into your bedroom.

Everything smelled like you in there. It was overwhelming. Steve had to sit on the floor for a few moments to regain his composure. Clothes that you hadn't managed to pack were left strewn across your bed and floor, your jewellery at your dresser, nothing of note to be found. Except, from where Steve had sat in a hurry, he could see a brightly coloured box peeking from your closet.

His face flushed as he wondered what could be in there; something he shouldn't see? More trinkets? However, curiosity got the better of him and he inched closer, tugging the box towards him and ripping off the lid.

Envelopes.

It was full of envelopes.

The very top one had his name on it written in neat, block writing. Steve pulled his envelope from the top and set it aside and returned to the box. The next envelop read N a t a s h a. Steve flicked through the next few and sure enough, there were envelopes addressed to the whole team as well as some family members and other friends. Steve's blue eyes flickered to his envelope beside him. He touched it tentatively like it would burst into flames before him. There was something inside of it - a letter most likely - and it made Steve's stomach lurch.

You'd written him a letter?

Morbid curiosity had him opening the letter carefully and tugging out the contents. Steve smiled through tears seeing your handwriting and scrawled mistakes through the paper and unfolded it, reading it slowly and meticulously, trying to imagine you sat at your kitchen counter writing it.

Dear Steve,

Who starts a letter with "dear" anymore? "To" didn't seem right and "Hi" was just... bad. Anyway, if you're reading this I guess that means that I've taken a short walk off a long pier. Which sucks but I knew if I didn't write these letters, I'd probably come back as a ghost and be miserable for all eternity or something.

Steve snorts at the first paragraph, chuckling thickly through the stream of tears.

Firstly, I want to say thank you. For being a friend and my captain a great team leader. It was an honour and privilege fighting beside you. That being said, I know that you're going to be there for everyone but yourself - so I have taken it upon myself to request that the team help take care of you in my letters to them.

Now Steve fights back a choked sob, cursing quietly and wiping tears away furiously. How did you always manage to read him like a book? You knew when he lied in truth or dare, when he lied to Tony about stupid shit, when he lied about being fine. He loved and hated that you could do it. Loved and hated you could see Steve Rogers beneath Captain America.

Secondly, I have something I want to confess. Maybe I'm I was reading into things to much but I have had, what the kids call these days, a "crush" on you. My only two regrets about this are not telling you sooner and not asking you out for coffee - even if you'd complain it was over-priced and that "back in your day you only had one type of coffee."

And finally, I want to say thank you for everything and I wish you nothing but the best - it's no less than you deserve. Love, Y/N

All of the air in Steve's lungs has evaporated. His heart has halted and he stares at the piece of paper in his hand like it's some sort of cosmic horror mangled with a joke. You'd been "crushing" on him? Steve reads the final half of your letter another few times, his heart aching in his chest.

Getting coffee with you. He'd have liked that. He vaguely remembered Nat mentioning to him that he should ask you out for a coffee and his lip quivered. He wasn't sure if he should laugh or cry.

"You could always ask Y/N out for a coffee, Steve." Nat had smirked at him. "You know, if you want to get to know them a little more."

Steve had frowned at her, confused. "We have coffee here," He said, pointing at Tony's old percolator that he'd just refilled. "Why would I need to go out with them to get to know them?"

Nat shook her head and sighed at him. "Nevermind, Rogers."

Your bedroom was quiet as Steve sifted through all of his memories of you. How many opportunities had he missed? He hadn't realised you had felt the same way and he'd pushed his feelings aside because he was your leader. He didn't know how long he sat for, still clutching the letter in his lap, but when there was a commotion in the main area of your apartment he frowned and clambered to his feet.

Yelling echoed throughout the apartment but before Steve could open your bedroom door it was flung open. Steve inched back and stared wide-eyed, still holding the letter.

You stared back at him.

"Hi Steve," You say quietly. Your gaze searches his face, seeing the tear stained cheeks and puffy eyes of your Captain boring into you. He looked like he'd seen a ghost. Your eyes trail down and see he's holding a bit of paper, chest tightening when you realise what the paper is. However, before you can even open your mouth again, Steve's lips are on yours and his arms are hugging you so tightly you think you might burst.

His lips are salty from his tears but you don't mind, considering you haven't had a proper shower in days and he clearly didn't seem to care. Your own arms wrap around his waist, leaning into the soft, tender kiss without so much as a second thought.

The moment you break for breath, Steve's face is buried in your neck. You can feel the wet of his tears staining your shirt and it makes your own eyes well too. You squeeze him back tighter than before.

"'M sorry it took me so long to get back," You murmur into his shoulder. Steve barely moves a muscle and his voice is so quiet, you have to strain you're ears to hear him.

"You're back, that's all that matters."

Your heart hammers in your chest and you bravely rest your head onto his shoulder, slumping in his arms wearily.

"It was a nightmare getting back," You confess. "But I'm glad to be back. Especially if that's my welcome home present from now on."

That earns you a chuckle from Steve, who briefly moves back to look down at you, his eyes glistening with happy tears of relief and something a little more. "It can be. How about you tell me everything over coffee?"

Your eyebrow quirks and for the first time in week, you both smile at each other. "You're not talking about coffee from the percolator, are you?"

"No, I'm not."

You snort and shake your head in disbelief. "I'm AWOL for two weeks and everyone's panicking that I'm dead." You tease, giving him a playful sideways glance. "Oh, ye of little faith. Found the letter, huh?"

Steve's arms squeeze your sides again, the smell of his aftershave engulfing you in the familiar scent that made you feel warm and fuzzy whenever you were around him. "Was it that obvious?"

You pretend to ponder for a moment before answering yes. Your eyes gleam playfully up at Steve, looking the same as you did that night he walked you home from the bar, making him want to kiss you all over again. And he does. The flushed, shy look you give him after he pulls away again makes his heart soar.

"Come on," He urges, not wanting to waste a moment longer now that you were back.

Alive.

With him.

"I owe you a coffee date. Or ten."

[averys-happy-space]

miri's anxious attachment style in ep 2

this post ended up being WAY longer than planned so everythings going under the read more but i promise this is like, more than just the insane ramblings of an obsessed fan. tldr; miri got attached to kazuki and rei so quickly bc she's been heavily neglected by misaki and it shows. and also misaki's life is a fucking tragedy.

so im rewatching bd in prep for the last ep and i noticed something. in ep 2, at the beginning, kazuki and rei go out to see kyu to ask about miri's origins and where her mom is. in doing so, they leave miri in the house alone, and miri has no qualms about this. kazuki simply has to turn on the tv show and miri happily dances along, allowing them to leave without resistance.

when they come home, she's turned the place upside down. when kazuki and rei find miri upstairs, she's playing hide & seek and says kazuki is it now before running away, with kazuki chasing after her. then, it cuts to them having dinner and miri, again, prompts kazuki to play hide and seek with her which he (unwillingly) obliges. though once kazuki moves back to discussing work with rei, miri makes an angry pout (its really cute lol).

the next day, when they try to leave, miri is suddenly very very attached and refuses to let them go. despite kazuki's bribe of sodas and sweets, she makes a big fuss, crying loudly enough to attract a neighbour to check on them. this is a stark contrast to the day before where she was satisfied to stay at home with just the tv running.

this is a very depressing thought, but i think miri got so attached so quickly because it was the first time in her life that she's ever been shown attention beyond what was necessary. misaki likely never played with miri or showed any interest in entertaining her beyond just putting on the tv so miri would stop bothering her, hence why initially miri was so easily subdued by the tv show. however, now that she's with kazuki, he's suddenly showing her tons of attention, chasing her all around the house and playing hide and seek with her. he's very good, too, as rei points out, which means miri never has to wait in one spot for long periods of time. if miri ever asked misaki to play hide and seek, it's likely misaki would send her off to hide and then just... leave, instead of looking for her, because she couldn't be bothered. so kazuki being so good at seeking makes it that much more fun, because miri's never been found before.

and when it's the first time ever that you've been shown so much attention, after being deprived of it for your entire life, it's no wonder miri got so attached so quickly. even though kazuki wasn't willingly playing hide and seek with her - he was just trying to catch her to make her sit still - he still played, which is likely more than can be said for misaki. which explains why, when kazuki and rei try to leave the next day, miri is suddenly a sobbing mess demanding to follow them. she doesn't want to lose this attention. it's new and it's nice and it's fun, so of course she makes a fuss. she's scared if she lets them leave, they might not come back. she might lose this little bit of fun that she's gotten.

this does, of course, reflect very badly on misaki and just adds more evidence to the fact that she was likely a neglectful parent. and to some degree, i get it. i know misaki's life massively sucked and she probably just didn't have the energy to play with miri, especially since miri is so lively and energetic all the time and misaki was probably working herself down to the bone trying to provide for the two of them, while also getting the shit beaten out of her by her abusive boyfriend. but it's just so... tragic.

like, man. when misaki says in ep 11 that she's sorry for making miri so lonely to the point of becoming attached to kazuki and rei, yes it's selfish and dismissive but it's also right. miri was lonely and she did become overly attached too quickly. it literally only took a single day. but that doesn't diminish the fact that kazuki and rei gave miri more attention than misaki ever did in the past, and they gave her a happier life than misaki could, and miri's bond with them became so much deeper than her love for misaki.

and that breaks my damn heart!!!!! god. i do believe that, if misaki had been more secure and comfortable, she could've given miri a happier life. but she didn't have that. and it's a fucking travesty. because i know if miri did have that happy life, if misaki's life had been successful and fulfilling, if she'd been able to provide for the two of them, then miri never would have met kazuki and rei. misaki's suffering was necessary to push miri's life in this direction. and it's just.!!!! my heart is broken, it's been torn into a thousand pieces, and it's been irreparably damaged by this god damn show.

man. i never caught this before, this is literally my 3rd time watching the show. but i remember reading a post about miri's anxious attachment style - which i wanted to reblog with all these thoughts but i couldn't find it ): - and it made me become more aware of this idea of miri having an anxious attachment style. which is the reason i watched miri's behaviour more closely on this rewatch and ended up noticing the change in her attitude. these subtleties in the writing go so deep and it's all thanks to reading tons of tumblr analysis that i've become more attentive to what's being portrayed in bd. and it's just made me appreciate the show so much more.

anyway who hype for the last ep of bd!!! (im not. im so not fucking ready. i dont want the show to end......... im literally gonna cry and i know it)

[dumbthunder]

Saw your comment about horror games! What platform?

I'm on pc. I'm about to get an upgrade so I can finally play games from 2 years ago. lol

Horror games I've played are:

Gary's mod horror maps back in high school

GTFO. Wasn't scary just annoying. Refunded after 2 hours

Phasmaphobia is okay. Great with friends but not something I'm into by myself

Project Zomboid is my favorite game ATM. I love zombies and anything post apocalyptic. Not scary most of the time only when I fuck up (often).

In a similar vein: Contagion. Realistic zombie game, not scary, and a lot harder. For me. I've only beat like one map and it took forever.

Lumping in Dead Island and Dying light together. Two very similar games, one focused on bashing skulls while the other is avoidance of the dead. Loved the first half of Dead Island and all of dying light.

State of Decay 2. Need to finish.

Last zombie game, The Walking Dead. Love these games.

Gone Home. No idea if it's supposed to be scary but I couldn't play the game because I was so anxious. Always waiting for something bad to happen. But that was back in 2014 so I might revisit it soon.

This was a lot longer than I'd thought it would be, but any recommendations for horror games are welcome! 💜

[makeste]

BnHA Bonus Rant #4: Bakumom

Okay guys. This is my post about Bakugou Mitsuki. This is actually my third attempt at trying to write a post on this topic; I tried to do one back when I was getting ready to post the recap for chapter 96, but wasn’t able to coherently get across all of the thoughts I wanted to convey, so I ended up deleting it. Then in response to one of the comments on that recap, I ended up writing another post, and this time I managed to get out almost 1200 words on the subject! But during the editing process, I realized that it just wasn’t something I had the energy to discuss. The topic of “is this character abusive” is obviously a very sensitive one, and something that a lot of people have very strong feelings about, and I realized that my post wasn’t going to convince anyone one way or the other, and that it was more likely to lead to a discussion that I had absolutely no spoons for. Like, all my spoons went into the post itself, and that was it. So in the end I scrapped that too (and my apologies to @temperatezone, who made a very reasonable point very tactfully, which I basically ended up just ignoring because at the time I wasn’t ready to get into it).

Before we start -- regarding spoilers, I’ve done my best to keep this post spoiler-free so long as you are caught up with the anime (or have read up to the manga equivalent, which is around chapter 125 or thereabouts). There is, however, one manga spoiler in here from chapter 165 (which, if you’ve read the chapter, you’ll know why it was unavoidable, seeing as it pertains directly to the subject at hand). It is not in any way a plot spoiler; it’s basically a single line from one of the characters, and the details regarding where and when that line is said are irrelevant, so I’ve left that out. So if you are anime-only, it’s up to you whether you want to skip this post or not, but that will be the only spoiler in here.

So now that I’m on my third attempt, I’ve done a bit more thinking on how I want to approach this. Basically, I think the problem I kept running up against before is that as far as I can see, there are two ways to look at this. The first is by looking at the author’s intent. “Okay, the scene is clearly presented in the context of humor and is a classic example of the well-established Tough Love style of anime parenting (see also: Izumi from FMA, Reborn from KHR, Isshin from Bleach, etc.) and not meant to be taken in an overly deep way. The scene immediately afterward with her ruffling Katsuki’s hair and thanking Aizawa for his understanding and mentioning her worry and relief during and after the kidnapping and asking his teachers to help guide him is meant to serve as a contrast to the violence and shouting and insults to show that contrary to that initial impression, she loves and cares about him just like any other mother. The scene is meant as a lighthearted way of showing where Bakugou inherited his loud and angry temperament from, and kind of jokingly implying that he’s more or less just a clone of his mom.”

Whereas the other approach is to look at what the author is actually portraying. “It doesn’t matter if it was intended to be a joke or not; she is abusive. She smacks him repeatedly for basically no reason, and screams at him and insults him to this degree even when there are other people present. Perhaps more disturbingly, she implies that him being kidnapped was his own fault, because he was ‘weak.’ Later on we learn that he genuinely believes this and has internalized it, and blames himself not only for getting kidnapped, but for what it led to with All Might losing his powers as a consequence. Even further down the line, Bakugou makes a throwaway remark to the effect of ‘[violence is] how I was raised.’ This implies that it wasn’t just a one-time thing and that his mother is like this all the time, to the point where violence is basically the norm for him and he doesn’t even realize how fucked up it is.”

So those are basically the two perspectives here. And for me, I realized that the problem that I had was that both of these perspectives are valid. At least I think they are. If I were to try to argue the former -- which was my first instinct -- I would in all likelihood have to try and refute the latter. And honestly, I don’t think I would be able to do that, because that argument is a completely valid argument. Not to mention I don’t have much of a leg to stand on as far as trying to argue that Horikoshi’s intentions matter more than his end results, because if you’ve read any of my recaps, you know that this is basically the one and only time I’ve ever said that, lol. I’ve never particularly cared about his harmless intentions when it comes to Mineta, or overly sexualized teenage girls, or Ochako being comically poor, or any of the other topics I’ve occasionally bitched about. So it seems a bit hypocritical for me to suddenly start arguing that now.

So I won’t. Instead, I’m going to go ahead and acknowledge that it’s a valid interpretation. Regardless of what Horikoshi was going for, if you’re looking solely at the end result, then yeah. What he showed us can definitely be taken as abuse. I don’t think it’s an overreaction, and there is a lot to back it up.

That being acknowledged, what I’m going to talk about instead is why I have such a strong desire in this case to ignore the clumsy way the relationship is presented in canon, and to instead view the relationship the way I believe it’s intended to come across. Why do I so badly want for Bakugou to have a (more or less) healthy relationship with his parents? Why does the idea of him having a bad home life leave such a bad taste in my mouth?

And I think this is what it is: one of the key things that draws me to Bakugou’s character is that he doesn’t have A Tragic Past. There’s this tendency in shounen manga to give virtually every important character a sad backstory (looking at you in particular, Naruto and One Piece), with the level of tragedy gradually escalating as the series goes on, until you get to a point where the fandom is literally having debates over whose past is the most tragic. And this has kind of indirectly given rise to several beliefs that I often see articulated and/or implied in fandom:

That there must always be some observable external reason for a character’s personality and temperament, rather than that just being who they are.

That there is a direct correlation between the severity of a character’s past and the validity of that character’s actions. In other words, the person with the more tragic backstory has the moral upper hand in any dispute, simply because they’ve been through more bad shit.

That a character’s potential for redemption is directly tied to how sad their backstory is.

I see this all the time, and not just in shounen fandom for that matter. The basic idea seems to be that if bad things have happened to a character in the past, then it means any bad things they themselves have done are not their fault, and they should be forgiven and given a second chance. The thing is, I’ve always disliked this way of thinking, because to me it strays from what I think is the most crucial element of any redemption arc: taking responsibility. 

Redemption, to me, shouldn’t simply be about whether we feel sorry for the character, or whether they have suffered enough and been punished enough for whatever it is they did, or even whether or not they had a good reason for it. To me, it’s about one thing and one thing only: is the character trying to be better. Do they want to change? Are they making the same mistakes over and over, or are they actually learning and trying to grow? 

To me, redemption is an active process. It’s something the character has to seek out themselves. It’s not something that’s granted to them (key difference here between “redemption” and “forgiveness”), nor does it matter whether or not anyone else thinks they deserve it. For me, at least, it’s simply a matter of whether or not the character is willing to take responsibility for their mistakes, and whether they actually take action toward becoming better.

That being said, this is the main problem I have with the “Mitsuki is abusive” line of thinking: from what I have observed (and not always, mind you, but often enough), this headcanon tends to overlap with the idea that Bakugou’s violent behavior is not his fault, and that he’s only like that because of the way he was raised. In some cases I’ve seen it taken even further than that, with basically Bakugou’s entire backstory basically being rewritten to make him out as just a poor traumatized kid who would never have abused Izuku if it wasn’t for Mitsuki’s abuse, and so the blame actually falls on her and not him. And that, right there, is probably the biggest problem I have with this. That shifting of the blame. Making it so that Bakugou is absolved of responsibility for his own shitty actions, because it turns out that he was just a victim too. 

And actually, it’s even more than that: it’s also the implied suggestion that this is the only way he can be redeemed. That he only qualifies for redemption if he had a good reason for his actions. That we can only feel sorry for him if he’s not to blame for the mistakes that he made, and if it Wasn’t His Fault.

And damn it, but I just take so much issue with this. Because to me, ironically enough, this narrative robs Bakugou of the agency that I personally believe is key to him getting the redemption arc he actually deserves. Does that make sense? Basically, I want Bakugou’s mistakes to be acknowledged as his own mistakes. Because they are. I want him to be able to take ownership of them and to realize what he did wrong. I want him to learn from those mistakes and to grow as a person because of them. I don’t want it to be all “oh sweetie it’s okay, it’s not your fault.” I want it to be “oh fuck, I really screwed up, and I hate the way I feel now because of it, and I never want to feel this way again, so I’m going to do better.” 

Because that’s the only way that real change actually happens. When it comes from within, from the character’s own desire to change. I don’t want a “he was never really bad, just misunderstood” narrative; I want “he fucked up, but he is learning from it, and he is growing.” That’s what I want.

So that, I think, is why the whole thing bothers me so much, and why I just can’t get behind the idea. Again, I won’t deny that the evidence is there. I just choose to interpret it another way. And it is just that: a choice. It’s a conscious choice to read between the lines and to add my own headcanons where necessary and insert little justifications and explanations for things when needed. 

Because to me, Bakugou having grown up in a supportive -- if chaotic -- household is important. It’s important because it shows that even people who grew up in healthy environments with no obvious trauma can fuck up regardless. And those people are still worthy of redemption.

I hope that all makes sense. (Particularly since if it doesn’t, I've just gone and pissed a whole bunch of people off, probably.) Anyways. So with all that being said, I’ll wrap this up with a list of my own personal headcanons about Mitsuki’s and Katsuki’s relationship.

First and foremost, if any of you have ever seen Malcolm in the Middle, I can very easily sum this all up by just saying that Mitsuki = Lois and Katsuki = Malcolm, Francis, and Reese all rolled up into one. That’s it. That’s the dynamic, right there.

But if you haven’t seen MitM, basically what I’m saying is that Katsuki is a precocious little brat who’s headstrong and rebellious and extremely independent and prone to only learning things the hard way, and Mitsuki is the stern and stubborn mom who is still caring and loving but also overbearing and aggressive. The two of them are always butting heads because they’re both extremely prideful and view themselves as always being right, and because Mitsuki’s overbearing tendencies clash directly with Katsuki’s independent streak.

Mitsuki actually is right more often than she’s not, which only fuels her own stubbornness as well at Katsuki’s teenage resentment towards her. She spent a lot of time when he was younger just trying to keep him from setting the house (and himself) on fire, and because he hardly ever listens, the two of them end up getting into a lot of screaming matches with each other, and nowadays that’s just kind of their dynamic and they’re just used to it.

She doesn’t actually think he’s weak, and she only said that because she knows that’s one of the few insults that rankles him enough to actually make him listen, and she was trying to get him to hush up and be respectful to his teachers, who were guests in their home and also his teachers, one of whom just saved his life and the other of whom defended his honor in a nationally broadcast press conference. And also this was part of the whole Japanese culture of being overly humble, and since she knew he was never gonna do it, she was kind of doing it for him. You know, like “thank you so much for saving me, I apologize for inconveniencing you.” Even though it wasn’t actually his fault.

He didn’t internalize the guilt about All Might because of what she said. I honestly think he barely even processed what she said because they’re always just yelling bullshit insults at each other that don’t actually really mean anything. He’s always been terrified of being weak precisely because he never has been. It’s the unknown. He wouldn’t know what to do if he wasn’t strong. It’s a fear he’s always had, and one that had been secretly growing stronger since he first started at U.A. What happened to All Might simply exacerbated that fear. It was already there, and he’d just kept it hidden for a very long time. His mom didn’t put the idea into his head, and never would have said it if she had even the slightest inkling that her cocky, arrogant, loudmouthed, forceful son was secretly harboring insecurities about that very thing.

Any violence in their household is the comedic shounen type of violence where no one is actually hurt in any way. But mostly it’s just loud.

They are so used to this being Just The Way Things Are that ironically, Katsuki would have been much more unsettled if, after he returned home following the kidnapping, his mom had been tender and affectionate. Mitsuki, being a smart mom, picked up on this, so in an effort to make him less uncomfortable, she took deliberate care to behave The Same As Always around him so that he could feel more normal. In fact she was actually still very freaked out herself for days afterward, much more so than she let on (because she’s just as bad at showing vulnerability as he is).

It actually helped. He will never ever acknowledge this out loud, but he realized what she was doing, and he’s grateful.

And I could go on and on, but I think this more or less summarizes how I view the two of them. They basically have their own language by this point, where phrases like “fuck you too” mean “I love you”, and so forth. She loves him to death and worries about him constantly and is so, so proud of him. He loves her too and she doesn’t piss him off nearly as much as he pretends, and he would be devastated beyond words if anything were to ever happen to her. He actually thinks she’s the strongest person he knows, maybe even tougher than All Might, and he would never, ever say this out loud.

Sooo... yeah. I’m trying to think of a good way to end this post now, but I can’t think of anything lol. I think I’ve said everything I wanted to. Tl;dr, I’ve made a conscious decision to view Mitsuki as a highly combative but loving parent to her troublesome tsundere son because I want Katsuki to man up and take responsibility for his own shit, because I love him. The end.

[natswritingz]

Eddie ‘the inexperienced’ Munson (Eddie Munson x fem!reader) SMUT

(A/N - This whole fic deleted the first time I wrote it so I apologize, it’s not my best work as I had to re-write! I wasn’t sure I even wanted to post this but here we are. I was like steaming the whole time I was typing lol, anywayysss, I hope you enjoy it regardless <3 And I might do a part 2 especially since something gets mentioned that doesn’t end up happening, we will see ;) )

Warnings - Oral, nudity lol, protected shmex, dirty talk

Words - 2.7k

One thing you would never have guessed about Eddie would be he had barely any experience, you assumed with what a big personality he had, he was getting laid left and right. That just happened to not be the case, Eddie Munson was an inexperienced freak.

You knew Eddie from Math class, catching him constantly gawking and attempting to play it off when you'd catch eyes, his friends throwing laughs at him when you'd look away with an eye-roll. Now you found yourself desperately needing to blow off some steam, which was why Eddie was in your sacred bedroom today, a visible nervous wreck.

"So..." He rubbed his palms up and down his denim, hopelessly trying to calm himself. You couldn't lie, there was something cute about his schoolboy crush on you, and maybe something just cute about Eddie in general.

"I'll take my shirt off, you-" You shook your head unknowingly and shrugged, it was strange telling the person you were about to fuck what to do. "Unbutton your pants?" His adam's apple bobbed, gulping at your request.

It wasn't like he had no idea why he was there, you made it very obvious what you wanted from him when you tracked him down yesterday after school. You gave him a day to prepare.

"Yes ma'am." He gave you a salute then took the liberty of ridding the belt from his waist, he then quickly fumbled with the button on his jeans, doing exactly what you asked of him. You couldn't help but look at him with your mouth just slightly agape, confused by what the fuck he just did, did he just salute? "Sorry, that was weird." He must've read your mind.

"Well, you hit the nail on the head." You gave him your classic eye roll, just like the ones back at Hawkins High. "Just try to be casual, okay?" You began lifting your shirt, exposing your favorite bra for his viewing pleasure. "Whatever your casual is." You whispered under your breath.

Throwing your now absent shirt to the side, Eddie's eyes widened like a child at a candy shop. You watched his jaw clench along with his fists, his bulge becoming more visible the more he looked at you, the visual was just enough to send heat to your cunt.

You inched near him with swaying hips, Ed began to grow more anxious the closer you got. Now towering over him, you had to decide what you wanted to do. Straddle him or give him the best head he's ever gotten. Giving it a quick thought, you went with option two.

"Why don't you pull your dick out, and I'll blow you." Your confidence was overflowing, Eddies massive crush paired with you being more experienced than him was a great ego boost. Reaching your hands back, you unclasped your bra and tossed it to where your shirt was, your nipples hardened at the cold air with a tinge of excitement lapped in too.

"Holy shit." Murmuring under his breath, he followed your order. He lifted his hips and pushed his jeans slightly down, leaving you to see his boxers with his noticeable erection.

"Wait." You stopped him from continuing, his hand hovering above the hem of his briefs with a confused look. "I'll do it." You lowered to your knees, your face just inches away from his covered dick, this was your favorite part.

You used a finger to gently trail against his hard-on, leading it up to the start of his boxers to which you hooked your finger in, pulling down on the material. Taking your time, it sprung out when you finally pulled far enough. You always had a slight inclining of what Eddie's dick looked like, but now here in person, you were far off.

It was longer than you expected with decent girth, you couldn't lie, he had a pretty dick. His head looked soft with a gentle pink hue, a drop of pre-cum already escaped just at the look of you. He looked painfully hard like he desperately needed your touch.

"Please stop staring and just do something already." His tone was needy, Eddie was getting impatient with you, the girl of his dreams, down on her knees about to get him off. The audacity of this man, you thought to yourself.

Following his wishes, you wrapped a firm grip around the base of his shaft and wasted no time, attaching your lips around his head.

"Fuuuck - Y/N." The way he moaned your name was wickedly hot, the butterflies below your navel began to go crazy with each movement of yours.

Your lips moved down just enough to catch on the start of his length, his tip resting in your mouth, stimulating it each time you bobbed your head up with hollowed cheeks. Your mouth focused on his head while your hand pumped firm strokes at his base, small moans could be heard from the man above you. He was a lot more vocal than you envisioned, but you loved a vocal man.

A few more strokes and you lifted your head, moving your hair from your face and giving Eddie a few seductive faces as your lips teased against his shaft.

"You enjoying yourself?" You questioned before returning your mouth to where it had suctioned before, his tip becoming more sensitive the more you sucked him off. You could only get an mhm from Ed as he went to recline back on his elbows, still looking down at you.

Your lips dared to go further, taking half his cock into your mouth while your hand still jerked him. Your mouth already felt full while you felt contempt, you were enjoying this almost as much as he was. With a few more strokes, you removed your hand to massage his balls, they felt soft and loaded in your palm. All you could imagine was them slapping against you later when you got to the main act.

Pulling up, your mouth suspended above his head, sticking your flattened tongue out to lick against his tip. You traced circles on him, feeling the warmth of his dick radiate upon your lips. Now daring to go further, you lowered your mouth onto his cock, slowly advancing your mouths pressure down his rod till he reached the back of your throat.

Continuing the blowjob, you brought your mouth back to halfway up his shaft, only to move down yet again to where your lips met his balls.

"H-how the fuck are you s-so good at this." His words came out through shallow breaths, your laugh vibrating him in your throat.

You pulled off, a loud pop filling the room with Eddie's face of total disappointment, he obviously wasn't ready for you to stop. Wiping your mouth, you stood to your feet and pulled out your bedside drawer to grab a condom.

"What about you?" You threw the rubber to his chest as he sat up, his ring-covered hand catching it against his shirt.

"What about me?" You asked back, starting to unbutton your own pants.

"You did something for me, shouldn't I return the favor?" He used his free hand to motion at your bottom half. Your jeans now pooled around your ankles, stepping out of them, you could see Eddie's eyes travel to your lace panties. You had worn them for this special occasion, knowing you were getting laid meant dressing the part.

"I'll make you a deal, you fuck me good, I'll let you eat me out afterward." His breath seemed to shudder in his throat, nodding his head in agreement. He lifted the wrapper to his mouth, tearing it between his teeth and pulling out the condom before rolling it on himself.

The last thing you wore were your underwear which you thought you'd let Eddie do the honor of removing them for you. Though he still remained completely dressed, you found it alluring to see him just sitting with his dick in his hand, slowly stroking over the latex condom as he watched your every move.

"Why don't you remove these for me? I'm thinking these might cause a little bit of a problem when I ride you." You attempted to speak as innocently as possible as you grabbed his free hand and moved it to your hip.

"The fucking hold you have on me." He wasted no time as he spoke, his calloused fingers dug under the material, pulling them down in a quick-aggressive action that made you slightly jolt at his sudden movement. Your panties fell around your ankles just as your jeans had done previously, this time you picked them up from the carpet.

"A little gift to remember me by." You clumped the material in your fist before shoving it into his jean-jackets front pocket, a large grin appeared on his face at your action.

"I'm starting to think miss Y/N is warming up to me."

"Shut your face, Munson."

Using your head, you motioned for him to scoot back to where his back rested against your bedroom wall, to which he obliged and got himself comfortable. You began to crawl towards him on the bed, making your way up to just centimeters between you, your lips hovering adjacent to his.

You were going to kiss him, but you didn't want to give him any hope that things would be different between you two after this hookup. This was strictly sex, although you did find yourself wondering what you'd say if he eventually asked you out, that's crazy of course you'd say no. But he was nice, has beautiful hair, a nice dick, and a smile that started to make you feel gushy inside. Shit, am I developing a crush on Eddie Munson?

"Earth to Y/N." Eddie's soft voice brought you back to reality, back to your room where you hovered over the man.

"Sorry." You awkwardly mumbled, realizing you had been staring at him that whole time you were lost in thought, pushing all your thoughts aside, you straddled his thighs, lining yourself against his tip. Using your right hand while your other braced yourself on his shoulder, you slid him against your wet opening, teasing him with your warmth.

"Ah - look how wet you are." His proud smirk made you blush, you hadn't realized how excited you had gotten until he pointed it out. Normally you got nowhere near this soaked with other people, it must be all the control.

Eddie's hands went to your waist as you slid yourself down on his cock, allowing him to slowly fill you with his entirety, you fit perfectly together like puzzle pieces. You began rocking your hips in smooth motions, feeling him slide in and out of your stimulated pussy, erupting a drawn-out moan from your vocal cords. Your sounds provoked Eddie's grip, feeling his hands clench against your skin.

The mattress rocked with each sweep, pounding against your poster-covered wall, the sounds of both your moans mixed in harmony, the room was nowhere near quiet at this point. You moved your hands to steady yourself, your palms resting on each pec, you could feel his pulse as you continued rolling your hips against his.

Eddie's hands slid from his position on your hips to wrap around your waist like a warm embrace, holding you closer to him as he used his arms to help push you down on his dick. You threw your head back, moaning his name between whimpers.

You must've encouraged him with your noises as he now picked up the pace, his hips bucking up to meet yours with loud slaps. Continually hitting the right spot, sending you into a spiral of pleasure.

"Fuck yes - Eddie, right there." Your voice ascended into a high pitched whine, moving your head back to rest your forehead against his shoulder while he fucked you.

"You feel so fucking good." He panted through harsh breaths. His lips traveled to the nape of your neck, leaving delicate kisses paired with stinging bites and hickeys. You would've cared about the marks but being caught up in the moment, you wanted more. You wanted him to claim you.

He moved his hands once again, lowering them this time to your ass, squeezing at you, using it as an advantage to grind your pussy against his cock to get as much friction as humanly possible. You so desperately wanted to be closer though it wasn't feasible.

Eddie's lips felt amazing dancing on your neck to the point you couldn't handle it anymore, lifting your head, his mouth could no longer pull at your delicate skin but his lips had a new job, osculating against yours. You pushed into him, feeling relief as he kissed you back. For being sexually inexperienced, Eddie was a damn good kisser. His lips were soft and fueled with determination and passion, just like yours were, sending off a wave of flutter throughout your abdomen.

"Shit Y/N I'm gonna cum." He broke the connection, biting his lip as he moved his hands faster, slamming in and out of your dripping slit. You didn't want this heaven to be over.

"Already?" You could tell your question embarrassed him as his cheeks burnt redder than before. You felt, sorry? You didn't mean to shame him. "Cum for me Eddie." You made it up to him.

"Keep talking like that and I might."

"I want you to cum, Eddie. I need you to cum." In a sudden movement, he picked you up and laid you on your back while his dick was still buried deep inside you. As you allowed your legs to spread open, Eddie took advantage of the position and used his hands behind your knees to push down on your thighs, the perfect angle for your pleasure.

He slowed his hips with hopes he wouldn't cum just yet, he didn't want the encounter to be over either, plus he wanted to make you finish on his shaft. The two of you peered down to where you met, watching him take his time as he penetrated you. He pulled out, only to sink himself back into your warmth.

"You're fucking torturing me." Your groaned complaint made him smirk.

"You know how long I've pictured this?" His movement remained slow as he pulled out, then slammed hard into your pelvis, warranting a sharp moan from your swollen lips. "How long I've wanted to fuck you?" He repeated his action to which you repeated your noise, your breast bouncing with his thrust. "I want to savor every second I can, babe." Babe. He really needed to stop, at this rate you were going to be madly in love with him by the end of this.

It was as if you could feel him in your guts each time he pushed into you, an eruption of electricity rippling with every dive. Eddie not being able to handle the slowness himself, he began to gain speed, slapping against you. Holding himself up on your thighs, he used his leverage to push in deeper than he could get in the previous position.

"Oh sh-shit." Your eyes dared to roll to the back of your head as expletives spilled from your mouth. Moving your fist that gripped at the floral bedsheets, you began rubbing circles on your clit for added sensation.

You couldn't tell how much time had passed since he put you in this position but you were nearing your orgasm. Your legs shook while continuous strings of both your moans filled the atmosphere around you.

"Fuck Eddie, you're going to make me cum." You gave him your warning, your walls clenching.

"Good, I'm gonna cum too, princess." His words could be made out through heavy pants. Your moans increased, feeling your core begin to tense, daring to release.

And there you were, finishing around his throbbing cock as he filled the condom with his hot liquid. His hips moved with exhaustion, sloppily pulling in and out of you with deep strokes as he rode out his own orgasm.

"Eddie Munson, that was fucking good." Your head was in the clouds, your eyes closed in pleasure before he drew himself out, now laying at your side, sliding the condom off with a grimace and dropping it into your trashcan.

"So, I know you said I could return the favor afterwards..."

"I am way too exhausted for that." You took a few deep breaths to steady yourself. "Maybe next time?"

"Next time?" He used a finger to draw invisible lines against your thigh, talking in a low-soft tone.

"You heard me, don't act surprised." You paused, an unbelievable grin grew on his face. "Get cocky and it won't happen." You used your hand to wave your finger in the air.

"Yes ma'am."

(Woo, hope you enjoyed! Make sure you leave a like if you did, it helps me out so very much! If you want to read more, here’s my masterlist. Have a good morning, evening, or night!)

[weixuldo]

Never Forgotten//

Vader x F!Reader/ Ch 5

You finally see the man behind the mask. 

Warnings: Cursing, medical procedures? Bad grammar and punctuation lol, description of injuries, self hatred (vader)

Wc: 3413

__________________________________________

You were still waiting for Vader’s reply. He paused for longer than usual and you were starting to worry.

“Are you…alright, my lord?” you quietly offered.

“You were found on Tatooine as a small child.”

“What?” you were beyond confused.

The Sith sighed, was he really about to do this?

“You were found and the junk dealer, Watto took you in as a slave. You were close with a family of two. A mother and a son. ” he continued.

“Yes, but we need to focus on your recovery now my lord.” you were becoming anxious.

“The boy you mentioned, Anakin. He was a skilled mechanic. He left to train as a Jedi knight, did he not?”

“Umm, yes. Yes”, this was getting more and more uncomfortable.

Lord Vader rose from his seat and you took a step back.

“How do you know all of this? I never go into detail about them.” your mind was spinning.

“I know you, F/N”

F/N.

No one had used that name in years. The last time you heard that name was the day you left Tatooine all those years ago. When he left you.

No.

It couldn't possibly be.

Before you could even register it, you spoke, “Ani?”.

Darth Vader, the all mighty Sith lord felt a weight being lifted off of his shoulders. The way you spoke his name so softly. He observed your watery eyes, how he wished to brush away your tears. You were too beautiful to cry.

He cast his gaze down, “That is… no longer my name.”

You barely heard what he said, you were too overwhelmed. He was alive! He was here. Before he knew it, you were right in front of him, your hands tenderly placed on either side of his helmet.

“I can’t believe you're here, Ani. I- I thought you were dead. I thought I'd never see you again! But you’re here. We’re together again.” you felt the tears threatening to spill over.

At that moment he was purely Anakin Skywalker. It was just you and him. He wanted to bask in your glory. He wanted you to tell him it was all ok. He wanted you.

You smiled up at him as the tears came running down. He wanted to brush them away but something in the back of his mind reminded him of who he was, what he had done. His back stiffened.

Your smile slowly turned to a frown, that man, that file, the pain, that was all Anakin. Who did this to him? How could anybody do that to someone?

“Who did this to you?”

He was caught off guard at your question. You weren't questioning how he ended up here as a Sith lord. No. You wanted to know who hurt him. You truly were too good for him.

“Nothing to concern yourself with. I believe we are done for the day.” He bluntly stated.

“But, Ani please! I just got you back! Please stay with me!” you pleaded.

“That is no longer my name. We are done. You will speak to no one about this”.

Why was he being so harsh? You just wanted to be there for him. He was the only person in the galaxy you ever longed for. You thought back to your childhood, even if he didn’t reciprocate your feelings, you were contempt just being in his presence.

You tried to catch up to him but he forced the med bay door shut. You sank to the floor. There were so many emotions going through your mind. You finally had him back, but just like that, he was gone again. He was so different now, how did your bright Ani become a feared Sith lord? How did he end up in that torture suit? Maybe your feelings were right after all, you truly saw the last of Anakin Skywalker that fateful day on Tatooine.

__________________________________________

Had he reacted too harshly?

No.

He didn’t deserve your care. He left you. You mourned for him. He didn’t want to hurt you anymore.

He had his goals set, he had to set aside his feelings and keep a professional relationship. Even so, deep inside, he still wanted to go to you.

You made your way back to your room, sniffling the whole way there. The troopers who passed you in the halls guessed you must’ve angered Lord Vader. Once you reached your chambers, you face-planted into the cot. How could you continue to treat him? How could he be so cold with you? Why did he wait so long to tell you?

You heard a knock on the door. Soon after an imperial officer opened the door.

“You have a room transfer order. Grab your things.”

A room change? You didn’t put in a request form. You thought it best not to question, the empire didn’t take nicely to questions. You grabbed your bag and some other things and followed the officer. She led you to the wing that held Lord Vader’s chambers. “This is Darth Vader’s wing, I don't think anyone is allowed to-”

“The empire makes no mistakes.” she responded shortly.

She led you to a password protected room. Oh shit, was he trying to lock you up so you wouldn’t tell anyone about earlier? You cringed as the door slid open to reveal…

….a nicely furnished room?

This room was much more spacious than the previous one. There was actually a bed, covered in deep garnet silk sheets and pillows resting on the headboard. There was a desk on the opposite end and a small coffee table in the middle of a large rug in the center of the room. What in the galaxy?

“The code to the room can be changed from that panel screen.” the officer pointed to a small screen on the wall near the desk. You could choose your own password?

With that, she left.

This was definitely an upgrade. Something caught your eye as you searched around the room, a small potted aloe plant on the nightstand. There were no other plants in the fortress other than in the med bay. He put it there. You smiled to yourself, maybe you could work this out with him. You sure as hell weren’t about to give up.

__________________________________________

You weren’t sure if you were supposed to continue with the normal appointments after that whole ordeal. Eventually you decided it best to head down there, you would look lazy and inefficient if you stayed in your room all day.

Now that you were on his side of the fortress the walk to the med bay was much shorter. You entered the large room and flipped on the lights. Making your way to the vitals machine you were startled by a deep voice.

“F/N”

You spun around. There he was. He entered the room, closing the doors behind him. You didn’t know what to say.

“An- Lord Vader” you corrected yourself. “Are you ready to begin your treatment?”.

“There is no need to be fearful, F/N”

“Who said I was afraid?” you shot back, immediately regretting it.

He paused. Then scoffed.

“We will continue treatment. We will take off my mask.”

Your eyes widened, “really? Are you sure you’re comfortable with that sir?”.

There you were again, caring about others without bias. You were just as beautiful as the day he left.

“When we are alone, there is no need for titles”.

You nodded, walking closer to him as he sat in his chair. You continued your normal routine of checking his vitals and such. You were quieter than usual. He observed your hands, they were trembling. He felt terrible. Placing a gloved hand upon your own, he asked you to look at him.

“I will not harm you F/N. Do not worry. You may converse with me.”

You nodded as you breathed in, “ok”.

He settled back into his chair and let you work on him. You seemed more sure of yourself now.

“Thank you,” you spoke.

He turned his head towards you. “For the room, I mean.” you briefly smiled.

“That was no problem. Your daily commute should be more efficient now.”

You finished up and took a deep breath. “ Are you ready?”

“Yes.”

You pressed some buttons in the side of the room to make the pressure higher in the bay so he could breathe easier. Coming back to him you placed your hands on the sides of the helmet.

“You may proceed.”

You slowly lifted the helmet, finally revealing him. First his scarred lips, his nose and cheeks. Then…

His eyes.

You placed the helmet on the cart beside you, never breaking eye contact. He was scarred beyond recognition, but his eyes. They looked exactly the same, the only difference was a sharp yellow mixed with his natural blue. Without thinking you tenderly placed a hand on his cheek, his eyes shifted fully to deep blue, you breathed out a small “Ani.” In that moment he didn't care you didn’t call him Vader, all he could focus on was you. He leaned slightly into your touch before brushing your hand away. He couldn’t give in.

You gathered yourself and grabbed a salve. “Ok, so this one should help with inflammation and irritation, I have a different one that will reduce the appearance of the scarring. This might be a little chilly, so I'm sorry in advance”.

You scooped some of the salve into your hand and began to rub it into his cheeks. His breath hitched and he closed his eyes at the cold feeling. He let you massage it into his face as he tried not to escape your touch.

You studied his face as you applied the salve, his skin was rough and the scars tissue was thick. His hair was all gone. He seemed to be quite self conscious. You didn’t want him to be embarrassed. He wasn't the Anakin you remembered, but he was still just as beautiful.

“You’re beautiful.”

His eyes shot open. Surely you were mocking him. There was no way you could be serious, he was hideous, he hated himself.

You returned your hand to his face to rub some more gel in, a small smile drawn on your face.

“You are so beautiful, Vader.”

Vader.

You accepted him as he was.

You thought he was…

Beautiful?

“That is nonsense”, he averted his gaze from you.

“No, Ani, I’m telling the truth.” you spoke, such adoration in your voice. Once you realized you used the wrong name you apologized quickly, “I’m sorry. I’m sorry, I’m out of line. Anyways we should check out those blaster injuries, right?”

He was still processing you calling him beautiful. “My lord?” you asked again. He snapped out of his thoughts, “we shall proceed.”

You backed up allowing him to stand. You walked over to the pad in the middle of the room with robotic contraptions around it. This was where the Sith would suit up and attach his limbs with the assistance of the mechanical mechanisms.

“I can leave the room while you take off your armor if you would like.” you wouldn’t want to make him even more uncomfortable than he obviously was.

He was quite nervous to show himself to you. To be so vulnerable. But he knew this needed to happen sometime and his injuries were starting to take a toll on him, he wasn’t a trained medic after all.

You were F/N though. He felt that you would be respectful and professional. He was still weary of fully trusting you, but he knew you only wanted to help him. And honestly, he didn’t want you to leave him.

“No. You may stay.”

You turned towards him, a small smile gracing your lips. “Are you sure, Vader?”

“Yes. I do not wish for you to…. leave.” he admitted.

In that moment he wasn’t just your patient, he was your Ani. “I would never leave you.”

He felt his heart twist. How could you stand to be in his presence? He was cold and harsh to you. He left you. How could you treat him as if you two never parted?

He nodded and took his place on the pad as the mechanisms turned on. You watched modestly as the machines began to take apart his neck piece, boots, gloves, shoulder armor, and cape. He was just as large without the plating, he was tall, broad, and muscular. He was left in the suit covering his body with the box in his chest steadily blinking. His robotic limbs showing a bit at the ends of his clothing. You walked towards him, “Is the air pressure alright? I can adjust it if you need.”

“It is decent.”

You led him to an examination table not far from the pad. He sat himself down, not making eye contact with you. You had never seen artificial limbs like his, they were so advanced, so intricate. You asked him where his recent wounds were and he begrudgingly showed you. One grazed the top of his right arm, the other his left thigh, and he took some blows to his chest (bruised ribs). You asked if you could start with the one on his arm and he agreed. You tried rolling his sleeve up to see the wound but it wouldn’t roll up past his forearm. Shit. He was going to have to take off the rest of his robes. Ugh, you made all this progress today and now this might set it all back.

“Um, I think we’re gonna have to take off the rest of your robes.” You spoke, trailing off at the end.

Was he ready for that? Palpatine was the only one who had seen him out of the suit in years. But this needed to be done, he didn't want to risk infection, either way it will end with you seeing him. He closed his eyes and sighed before he began to undress.

“I can leave sir!” You spoke surprised at his sudden actions.

“No. Stay. I’ll need help with this anyway.” He spoke staring at the floor as he reached for the zipper in the back of his shirt. You noticed him struggling to get it so you stepped in and started it for him. As you unzipped his shirt you noticed what looked like metal segments coming out of his upper back, that was probably his reinforced spine you read about. He needed extra support because of the weight of his suit. Further down there were ports on both sides of his back that were most likely to supply oxygen while he sat in the bacta tank. The zipper ended at the base of his back and once it was unclasped he began to pull it off.

You didn’t want to stare, but not only were you seeing a forbidden sight, this was also your childhood love, he had been through so much. His torso was even more scared than his face, it looked like the burns were the most severe on his chest. You snapped yourself out of your thoughts and began to examine his arm. The wound wasn’t completely healed and there was some necrosis forming around the edges, if he would have let you help him the first day that could have been prevented.

“I’m going to have to disinfect the wound and scrub the necrotic skin off, that might hurt, are you ok with that?” You asked

Did he really have a choice? He knew this needed to be taken care of.

“That is fine.”

You sprayed some disinfectant around the wound and let it sit as you went to put on gloves and wash your hands. Vader was highly uncomfortable, but he just couldn't pull his gaze from you. You were all grown up, you were a woman now, and oh how beautiful you were.

You walked back over to him and rinsed it out. You grabbed some tweezers and began to pull at the necrosis around the area. He flinched at the second pull and instinctively your hand rested on his forearm.

You said, “I’m sorry, sweetie”, an endearing response you told all of your patients. But those words made his breath hitch. You looked up at him with worried eyes before you got up and grabbed an oxygen mask from the wall, thinking he was having trouble breathing. He knew he didn’t need the mask, he simply was reacting to the effect you had on him. He allowed you to slip the mask over his mouth and nose, simply because he secretly wanted you to touch his face again.

“There, is that better, Vader?” You asked, genuinely concerned.

He nodded and you proceeded to clean his wound.

You were finishing wrapping his arm and patching up his abdomen when you felt his eyes on you. Throughout the examination he had been watching you, but now it felt different. You remembered as a kid Anakin would often use actions rather than words to communicate deep feelings.

“You know, I can feel your eyes burning into my soul” you said with a smirk, not looking up at him.

“My apologies, Just observing”, he said. He definitely was not just observing the procedure, he was trained on you, so gentle and careful but yet so efficient. You told him the last thing for today was to patch up the blaster wound on his thigh, so he began to take off his pants. You averted your gaze out of respect. You walked to the other side of the room and grabbed a small blanket. Once he finished and was left only in his undergarments you shyly handed him the towel to place over himself.

“Ready?” You asked. Silently he nodded. You looked up and saw him in all of his glory. He was very fit despite missing his ligaments, he looked so vulnerable, so human. He took off the oxygen mask and sat it next to him as he watched you stare at him.

“Still think I am ‘beautiful’?” He scoffed.

Regardless of his broken body, his deep burns, or the scarring that covered the expanse of his body, he was ethereal. When you looked at him all you could see was a man who had the odds stacked against him but still managed to survive. He had endured so much suffering and pain and yet here he was, the man you loved. You loved him all those years ago on Tatooine and this was no different.

“Ani, you are perfect.” You smiled. His eyes widened and you swore you saw his cheeks heat up.

The gash on his thigh was much larger than the one on his arm, no wonder he had been limping. Softly, you placed a hand on his upper thigh, eliciting a gasp from Vader. No one had touched him there in years, it just felt… different. You began the process you previously did on his other wound, only this time he spoke to you.

“I never thought I’d see you again”.

No way the merciless lord Vader would say that. Of course not. But at that moment he was purely Anakin Skywalker.

Without stopping treatment, you responded with a smile, “I didn’t think I would see you again either.”

You were silent for a moment, you knew he changed, so did you, but you couldn’t help but think what would happen to the two of you.

“Hey, I know a lot has happened since you left Tatooine. You don’t have to tell me, but I’d be glad to listen if you ever needed to talk. Also I know you knew me…before. I treasure our childhood dearly, but I don’t expect it to be the same as it was. And if you do not wish for it to be the same, I will respect your request.”

He watched you work on him as he pondered your words. Did he want it to be the same? The two of you as best friends.

Or

Did he want you to simply be his physician? An inferior being under his control.

No.

He did not want either of those options. What he truly wanted was to tell you what he should have told you all those years ago. He loved you. But so many things were holding him back, his position, his history with Padme, your possible reaction. But for the first time in forever he felt something stir deep inside.

Hope.

***

a/n: ok, this one was really long!! sorry lol. But I’m excited to start getting into the good stuff :) Thank you guys so much for reading! I hope i’m doing our emo boy justice 

taglist: @dokoni-mo, @the-official-memester, @wizardofrozz , @guinea-pig16 , @jar-of-moondust , @stxrrielle , @astra-1780, @katsukiswrld , @bisexual-snake , @hyojin-2579, @yvette-ace , @lollaa-puff, @lordfishflakes , @ayothatsano, @venus-armote , @emuxmu , @msblazer , @organasith , @loversjoy , @alexandra900925

srry to blogs that it wouldn’t let me tag

[dragondemoness]

Alright so Just how like Kokona Is, S/O is forced to relive a week of being murdered in countless of horrible ways.

If you've ever seen happy death day, it's kinda like that. Now because I don't want the V3 characters to die, it can be that someone killed the person killing S/O everyday to stop it, but if you wanna add anything, please do. Hopefully this is a good explanation lol

Finally, I got to this! So sorry for making you wait!

I have seen Happy Death Day, so it made writing this much easier (great movie btw)

I wasn't sure what characters you wanted me to do, or if you wanted the full cast, so I just chose five characters. Hope you enjoy!

Shuichi, Kaito, Gonta, Maki, and Tenko with an S/O Going Through a Deadly Time Loop (Happy Death Day/Yandere Simulator) 

Shuichi Saihara 

He could guess what was going on before you told him

The way you acted when you woke up, and the way you limped around because of the wounds in your legs

And when he touched you in certain spots, you would flinch away because of the pain

He was concerned, and he asked you about it as soon as he found enough evidence to approach you with

You were scared to tell him, because maybe he wouldn't believe you

But there wasn't a point in hiding it from him, and he kind of knew anyway, so you told him what was going on

Shuichi is absolutely horrified

So someone clearly has it out for you, and you have to suffer horrible deaths every day because of it

He is determined to get to the bottom of it

He has you stay with him at all times

Every time he left you alone, you died and woke back up

He's not taking risks anymore

He interviewed all your classmates, gauging their opinions of you

Then he carefully watched their interactions with you

He found out who was doing this to you pretty quickly

So he immediately got them arrested, and the killing cycle came to an end

The night the killer was arrested, he burst into tears and held you tight to him

The whole ordeal was horrifying for him, too

And even though it was over, you definitely have trauma from it

Every night, he's cuddling with you and comforting you from any nightmares you may have

Always there to assure you that you're not in the same time loop, and that life has returned to normal

The situation was awful, but you have a sweet detective boy right by your side to help you recover

Kaito Momota 

He had no idea what was happening for a good minute

But he had a feeling something was wrong

You woke up scared every morning, you flinched away from his touches, and you looked so anxious as you went about your day

He was really concerned

But it was difficult to tell him, because you were worried he either wouldn't believe you, or just wouldn't get it

But he knew something was wrong, so you had to try

When you told him, he kinda just blinked

He wasn't sure what you meant at first

But when you explained it in greater detail, he grew shocked and very anxious

And also kinda pissed that someone would do this to you

So he asked Shuichi to help you out, which he immediately agreed to

Kaito doesn't trust anyone to be near you, and he wants you with him at all times

If anyone seems even remotely threatening, he'll demand that they leave you alone

When Shuichi discovers the culprit, Kaito socks them in the face

You and Shuichi have to hold him back from punching their lights out

The killer gets arrested, and Kaito pulls you close to him, relieved that it was over

But that didn't stop the nightmares you had

He's always there to soothe you, and assure you that it was all over

Gonta Gokuhara 

He was also oblivious to what was going on

But he did notice the way you were acting

You woke up anxious and afraid in the mornings, and you brushed off his concerns and tried to go about your day

But throughout the day, you still looked stiff and anxious

You even flinched away when he tried to touch you

Poor boy was worried he hurt you

Now he was definitely sure something was wrong

And you were hesitant to tell him because you knew he would be horrified

But you couldn't stand this any longer, and you didn't want to leave him in the dark anymore

When you told him, he literally teared up

He believed every word, and he immediately grabbed you and enveloped you in a hug

Then he went to Shuichi and begged him for help

He doesn't want to leave you alone anymore

He has his arms around you pretty much every minute

When Shuichi discovers the culprit, Gonta is sad that one of his classmates, his friends, would do such a cruel thing

When the culprit is arrested, and you two are alone, he tightly wraps his arms around you while crying

Poor boy was so scared

He holds you tightly every night, for himself and for you

He'll calm your nightmares, and it's comforting to know you're there

Maki Harukawa 

She noticed your odd behavior immediately

No matter how much you tried to hide it, she noticed how anxious you were all day

And when she tried to wrap an arm around your waist, you flinched and scooted away from her, which worried her

She confronted you immediately, and you were afraid of telling her for a number of reasons

Not only would she probably not believe you, she might even think you were stupid

She noticed your anxiety and softened, telling you that she wouldn't judge you

And so, you told her what you had been going through 

At first, she asked if you were sure it wasn't just a nightmare, then you found an x-ray and showed her the wounds you attained

Now she was shocked, and pretty pissed

She wanted to know who was doing this so she could slice their head off

She approached Shuichi and basically demanded that he help

When he found out, you and him have to hold Maki back from doing something... not good

When the culprit is arrested, and you're alone, she immediately hugs you, mindful of your injuries

She doesn't like to say it, but she was terrified

She just wants to go to bed and leave the whole mess behind you

She'll soothe your nightmares and hold you every night

She'll be way more protective of you after this

Tenko Chabashira

She was also a little oblivious 

She didn't figure out something was wrong until the fifth day

By then, you were acting very strange

You were more anxious than ever, you walked like you were in pain, and you rejected all of her touches

And so, she asked you about it

You were hesitant, but you knew you needed help

When you tell her, she's terrified

She feels stupid for not noticing something was wrong sooner

Naturally, she's sure that a degenerate male is behind this

She doesn't even trust Shuichi to help you, but begrudgingly asks him at your urging

As Shuichi interviews everyone, Tenko holds you tightly, not trusting anyone

Not even the girls

And when Shuichi finds the culprit...

If they're a male, you'll have to hold her back, but not before she gets a couple of good hits in

If they're a female, she'll give them a piece of her mind

She was damn close to slapping a girl

After the whole ordeal was over, she grabbed you and clung onto you for the rest of the night, and so forth

She's there to soothe you at night, and she holds you the whole time

For your comfort, and her own

[pasta5284]

'idk why my roommates tried to tell me a fishtank was a bad idea. it's not like i killed over 10 fish/aquatic animals, largely due to repeatedly putting them in unacclimated water that i knew was unhealthy for them because i couldn't put aside my own selfish desire for an animal life to control longer than two seconds to just wait for the tank to be livable! and who cares if it was against the lease, that i share with someone else and did not ask before getting the tank, and also it will be my roommates' responsibility to hide the tank most of the time whenever someone comes for an inspection. and the lease ends very soon anyway- and we all know packing and moving a 20 gal fishtank while also hiding it from the apartment workers is easy (so long as my friends help, but luckily i volunteered them for it without asking), and not at all stressful for the animals. i'm a great friend and pet owner! that's also why i wanted to get a kitten when i knew i would be moving in a month or two, because that definitely wouldn't be stressful for it. see i've pet a stray cat before and dropped a kitten on its head (which is actually good for their development just fyi not dangerous at all) so i know how to properly care for them, especially a baby in a new environment that even i'm unfamiliar with! and let's not forget my dog who i neglected to the point of gaining like 20 lbs in just a couple of months due to lack of walks, and who would piss all over the apartment floors almost every day (also my friends' responsibility to clean up lol gross) also due to lack of walks, aaaand was visibly depressed and anxious due to her lack of exercise and stimulation! did i mention i want a snake, even though i will loudly complain any time my roommate feeds his because i think the frozen mice are disgusting. oh and i think now would also be a great time to get a puppy! i'm a great person who truly cares about animals, unlike my roommates who only care about things like """water quality""" and """stress""" and """considering the animals' wellbeing""" 🙄 '

[yourmidnightlover]

rock

Summary - spencer wants to figure out what's wrong with you, only to be reminded what day it is and he remembers why you've been so distant.

TW: talk abt: rape, recovery, therapy, case stuff; mention of: drug addiction, rape, miscarriage, being shot, death lol

WC - 4,283

!DISCLAIMER! - i am in no way trying to romanticize recovery from a traumatic event or being upset/depressed/anxious. this is kinda my way of getting through my own issues, so please don't think that's what i'm trying to do in any way. i also don’t know how i feel abt this ending since i wrote it so long ago but oh well!

i just realized there are a few spoilers so i'll put *asterisks* around them. those parts are just explaining how the reader's always there for the team.

----------------------------------

you had always been the rock in spencer's life.

mentally, at least.

when he had nobody there for him when he was going through his addiction with dilaudid, there you were. you helped him through it when everybody else on the team acted as if they never noticed.

you were the one that encouraged him to get help, and pushed him to follow through. you made sure he ate and talked to someone when he had his urges again, even if it wasn't you.

you let him come over and cry about what had happened, and how unfair his life was. you consoled him and would tell him how nothing was his fault. how he didn't deserve anything bad in his life.

*and when emily 'died', he went to your house every day. you held him as he felt himself falling apart from losing her. you didn't even worry about yourself needing to be consoled, because spencer needed you to be there for him.

*when she came back you were the one to convince him to forgive her. you talked sense into him. you reminded him how much he pleaded to have her back, and then he did. so he managed to forgive her... because of you and your logic.

*and you weren't just there for spencer. while, yes, you made a special effort to be there for him, you were there for everyone on the team.

*when derek was arrested back in chicago and the team found out about his past, you were the one he leaned on for comfort. you and penelope. you let him cry on your shoulder and yell at you about how twisted a man would have to be to do something so cruel to a child.

*when jj was kidnapped and beaten to a miscarriage, you were the first she told. you didn't say anything. you knew there was nothing you could say that would relinquish the pain of losing a child. so you let her cry. you let her hug you for what felt like hours. you let her grief her unborn baby for as long as she needed.

*when penelope was shot, nobody cared to check up on her after the fact except you. you went to her apartment for weeks just to make sure she was okay. eventually, she was able to let loose all of her frustrations on you, and you took it like a champ. she ranted about how she just wanted to be loved by someone attractive and how unfair and cruel the world is, in spite of how much good she tries to bring into it.

*when hotch lost hailey, you took care of his files. you offered to watch henry and let hotch cry to you about losing her a few times once you broke past his tough exterior. you even cried with him and jack. you made them dinner whenever you could, and helped him look for good nannies to help care for jack.

*when rossi lost carolyn, you went to her grave with him on many occasions. you brought him his favorite scotch, which was very pricey, and his favorite cigars, also very pricey, and tried your best to recreate 'the rossi special' upon his directions. it helped him feel in control of something when he needed it.

*and when emily came back from the dead, you helped walk her through her own grief. she lost herself, and buried her emotions. you helped her dig up her old self, and grow into an even better woman. you even took care of her cat when penelope couldn't manage. you helped emily grieve her own death when she wanted to deny it ever happened, and she was forever grateful for you.*

you had become like the team's built-in therapist when something bad happened, and you loved it that way. you loved being the one the team went to when they needed it. it made you feel as though you had a purpose, which was something you desperately needed.

but when you went through your own trauma almost a year ago, you refused help from anyone. you knew you should've asked someone for help, or at least someone to cry or talk to when you needed to.

the team had been working on a case for longer than expected, 8 days now, and everyone was really frustrated. you had released the profile 7 days ago, and there was still no new information. it was as if the unsub had gone dormant, and you all couldn't bear that thought.

when the team released earlier than normal from the precinct and you all went to the hotel you had been staying at, you decided to get a drink from the bar quickly. you went alone, wanting to review a few of the case files during the process and not needing a distraction.

you ordered a jack and coke, and opened the case files to begin rereading them, seeing if you had missed anything.

victims were kept for 24 hours, filmed, raped, restrained, cut in pieces, and thrown in the trash like garbage. it was absolutely disgusting, and the worst you had seen in a while. the victims were low-risk and most of them had a place of authority.

the unsub had been profiled to be someone who was bossed around by a woman, narcissistic and egotistical, wanted to feel more power and authority.

the problem is, that profile was most people living in the area. even penelope couldn't dwindle down the suspects.

and alas, you had missed nothing. nothing new appeared or caught your eye. you gulped down the rest of your drink and paid for it before packing up your things to head upstairs. you tossed the file back into your bag and began the trek to the elevator.

you were interrupted by something hitting the top of your head, rendering you unconscious.

the team had woken up, and after waiting around for half an hour, spencer realized something was wrong. he had morgan bust into your room, only to find the bed unslept in. you were missing. and the worst part... you fit the unsubs type.

spencer felt his heart drop at the realization he had taken you. and it seemed as though there was no trail as to where you had gone. penelope checked the cameras, only to find that they were hacked right after you left the bar, and then they resumed after you were taken.

at least they had a time frame.

later that day, after everyone hasting to figure something, anything out, spencer had gotten an email. he opened it and expected it to be relentless spam, only to realize it was a live feed video. a video of you. he instantly called penelope in hopes that she could trace it.

she said she could, but it would take some time because the amount of routers it had been going through.

while they were waiting, you noticed you were alone. you knew who the unsub was too, thanks to his baffling stupidity and narcissism that lead him to believe he wouldn't get caught.

"officer johnson! it's officer johnson!" you looked around the camera for a second, noticing something moving. "he-he here," you cried out. "i love you," you said to the camera to nobody in particular, but someone in mind.

you were terrified. spencer could see it in your eyes. he could see the tears you tried not to shed. you didn't want to please him, but you couldn't help but feel the absolute horror and fear coursing through your body at a relentless pace.

"hi there, missus fbi," he teased, finally walking into the frame with a ski mask over his face, clearly not aware that we knew his identity.

spencer told garcia who he was, and she began her digging. officer johnson's great grandparents had owned a farm that was since then refurbished. it was an hour away.

officer johnson had known that you two had chemistry. that's why he sent the email to spencer. he saw the longing glares, the 'innocent' touches, the smiles you would give each other, the longing looks you shared. he wanted to torment him.

so when he began undressing you and you turned your face away from the camera in hopes of sparing some of your own dignity, spencer felt his heart breaking for you. it broke even more when he heard the yelps, and screams, and please, and "no!'s" you elicited during the act.

they caught him before he cut you, but not before he finished the first part of his plan. your skirt was ripped, and your shirt was practically in two pieces. spencer had given you his jacket to cover yourself as much as you could.

you stayed silent the ride back. you didn't even let spencer hold you like you normally would after a tough case. you were ashamed. embarrassed. you felt worthless. you felt pathetic. you felt stupid. you felt helpless. you felt like you were drowning. you felt like you were without a life raft.

you knew you could talk to the team about it, but you felt so disgusted by the thought of what happened to you that you only talked about it in your therapy sessions.

hotch had given you two months off. he wanted you to grieve, and go to therapy, and try to cope with everything that had happened.

and you did try to do that. you tried your hardest to get over it and move past it, but nothing helped. not the journaling. not the talking. not the crying. nothing was working.

spencer gave you a little space at first, but he then decided to try to help you as you had helped him. he went over to your house almost every day, and sat outside your door after you wouldn't let him in.

you knew he was there... you sat on the other side.

"i-i know that you probably don't want to see anyone right now. and i'm uh, i'm sure you feel alone right now, or like you can't talk to anyone," spencer sniffled. "but pl-please just uhm, just know that i'm here when you want to talk about it. i'm here to listen to you when you need me to. i-i don't want you to be alone during this time, y/n. please, just let me in," he begged.

that was normally what he would say almost every night he went to your house. he would sit outside for hours after he would ask you to let him in without fail. until one day you let him in.

spencer felt so much relief when you opened the door, only for it to be smashed when he noticed your eyes looked red and puffy, your cheeks were stained with the tears you had been crying for so long. your cheeks were sunken in, and there were dark circles underneath your eyes that were once full of life and happiness. your eyes no longer had that gorgeous sparkle in them.

spencer vowed he would get them back.

as much as spencer wanted to wrap his arms around you in that moment, to comfort you and tell you that he was there, he wanted you to make the first move. he wanted to tell you how strong you were and how proud of you he was for getting through that. he wanted to tell you how much he loved you.

he wanted you to make the first touch, because he didn't want to further upset you. he didn't want to trigger a repressed memory, or bring back the feelings of what had happened.

but spencer's touch was nothing like the officer's. spencer's touch was soft and gentle. spencer's touch was feather-light and endearing. spencer's touch was love and home. the officer's was brittle, and rough, and repulsive.

"hug me?" you sniffled as your eyes welled with tears again as they had been for the past three weeks.

"of course," spencer slowly wrapped his arms around your shoulders as yours found his torso.

he walked inside with you still in his arms and slowly shut the door. without breaking from the hug, you both walked to the couch and sat down.

you didn't say anything. you just needed spencer to keep hugging you, so he did. he did whatever you wanted, needed, from him. eventually, you fell asleep in his embrace on the couch.

when spencer looked down at you, now sleeping against his chest, he couldn't bring his heart to remove himself from you. so like any whipped man would do, he carefully picked you up bridal styled and carried you to your room. he took his shoes off as well as his sweater vest before cuddling back up next to you.

as if it was a reflex, you cuddled up into his chest when he neared you again and got underneath the covers. spencer slept the best he did in months with you. and you slept without officer johnson in your dreams for the first time since that day.

ever since then, spencer had been making sure you were eating and drinking. he took you to your therapy sessions and stayed over most nights you had asked and he was able to.

they had a few cases during the two months, so every moment he could, spencer was with you. he coaxed you back to your normal-ish self. he watched as that glimmer in your eye began to slowly grow brighter everyday. he watched as your smile came back, and your tears didn't come so frequently.

the first time he had heard you laugh again, spencer had thought he was dreaming. he wished he had recorded that moment. he was more grateful than he's ever been in his life that he had an eidetic memory, because that sound would forever be engraved in his brain.

when you returned to work, you clung to spencer. he had become your tether to reality, and hope. he had become your rock during the recovery.

over the months, everyone slowly began to forget what had even happened. things went on as usual, and the team forgot the traumatic experience you had gone through. even spencer might've let the experience get lost in his brain.

so when it became 11 months and 3 weeks since the abduction, you began to distance yourself once again.

you politely declined going out with the team a couple days before the anniversary, something you never did. you insisted that you were just especially worn out from the case you had just been on.

spencer had to finish files given to him by derek anyway, so he didn't get to witness the encounter.

once the day of the anniversary came upon you, you found yourself feeling sick to your stomach. you couldn't help the tears that would fall from your face every so often. you knew why you felt this way, but you wanted to push past it.

you had gone into the office wearing a pantsuit and blazer, wanting to avoid the normal office skirt you happened to be wearing the day it happened. you stayed at your desk and quietly did your case files. you didn't even greet spencer as you would every day. you gave him a kind smile, but you would normally give him a hug, or at the very least an eager wave upon his arrival.

spencer just assumed it was one of those days where you just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. it wasn't spencer's fault he thought this. he didn't even look at his calendar to check what day it was. he just knew they had paperwork.

but he did have this day marked in his calendar. he had it marked so he would remember to be extra kind to you, and do your files for you, and come to your place with your favorite wine and takeout. he wanted to help you through the one year anniversary, but he forgot to check his stupid calendar.

you thought he didn't care. you thought the man who you loved, and the man who helped you through everything that had happened had had enough of your complaining and grievances. so, you didn't tell him about it. you didn't bother him with the terrible thoughts clouding your mind because you thought it'd burden him.

so when you finished all of your case files early, you asked hotch if you could leave early, at 2:00, because you had things to tend to. he allowed you to do so, but this rose a flag for spencer.

he saw you exit without saying goodbye to him, something you hadn't done the entirety of knowing him. you had always told everyone to have a nice night and to be safe before leaving, but not today.

finally, he looked at his phone for the first time all day, only to feel like the worst person in the world to realize what day it was. spencer felt absolutely horrible at this revelation and ran into hotch's office as quick as he could after packing his things.

"hotch!" he exclaimed upon opening his office door.

"go. she was practically in tears," hotch informed him. "and reid," spencer stopped in his tracks to turn and look at the stern man, "please make sure she's okay." spencer gave him a soft grin and a nod before turning around and bolting out of the office.

you had gotten home and immediately burst into tears. you shut the door with your back, and slid down it. you had never understood why people had done that in movies until now. you just couldn't wait to break any longer, so you settled for your front door.

you held back no wail, or scream as you cried in front of your door, your knees pulled up to your chest as you held them tightly.

you wondered why you had to go through that. you wanted to know what kind of karma there was for someone who had always tried to do the right thing to be hurt... and for nobody to even care. nobody wanted to console you, or to make sure you were alright.

you had checked up on everyone on every anniversary of their struggles. whether it be a death, abduction, anything, you had been there for every single anniversary or reminder. and nobody was there for you.

nobody was there for you to hug, or to lean on, or to cry to, or to scream at, or to rant to. nobody was there. nobody loved you enough to care about that.

but then you had to remind yourself that they all had lives.

but the person who is your life didn't even care.

spencer didn't care.

and that's why you truly lost it.

he acted like it was just another day. he acted like it wasn't the anniversary of the day you thought you were going to die. the day you wanted to die. the day you felt your most low, and humiliated. the day you lost all hope. and he didn't remember.

if the man with an eidetic memory didn't remember, it must be extremely insignificant. so therefore, you must be extremely insignificant.

spencer raced to your house. he wanted to be there for you today, and he failed. he felt like a failure as a friend. he hated himself for not being there for you when he knew you would need him. he knew how you clung to him in your time of need. you thought he was worthy enough to hold onto when you needed someone, and spencer felt elated at that.

but now he wasn't there for you. and you needed him.

he had quickly stopped by the store and your favorite takeout place to get the things you'd want. he got your wine, chocolate, food, flowers, and a teddy bear that had a sweater vest on him - you've always loved his sweater vests.

when he got to the steps of your house, he felt his heart drop. as he walked closer he heard the wails of your crying right by the door. he could sense the heartache from the edge of your porch, and felt himself feel even worse, which he didn't think was possible.

he instantly ran to the door and knocked profusely. you sniffled one last time, feeling embarrassed that someone had heard you crying your heart out. you had figured one of your neighbors heard you and wanted to tell you to keep it down, so you wiped your tears and the stray mascara from underneath your eyes and opened the door, keeping your eyes lowered in embarrassment.

"y/n," spencer announced sadly, a tear falling down his face. you looked up in confusion from hearing his voice. you noticed his tear and reached up to wipe it away on instinct.

"why're you crying? are you okay?" you asked, forgetting all of your own problems at the sight of spencer crying. spencer let out a small chuckle at your concern.

"i'm alright, aside from the fact that i'm a terrible friend," he admitted as his smile quickly faded upon seeing your stained cheeks. "i brought your favorites," he offered, holding the bag of goodies in one hand and the takeout in another.

"y-you... why?" you asked, wanting to make sure you weren't misreading the situation for him trying to comfort you.

"why?" he asked in disbelief. "because it's the anniversary. i can't tell you how sorry i am, y/n. i swear i marked it on my calendar and planned for us to take off so i could take care of you. i-i just woke up late and never bothered to even check my phone. i kn-know it's no excuse... but i am so, so, so sorry," he rambled out, already tearing up.

you grabbed his arm gently and pulled him inside before you started crying in front of your neighbors. you took the bags from his hands and placed them on your coffee table.

"i thought you just didn't care," you shrugged as you took a seat on the couch, prompting him to sit beside you.

"y/n..." he sighed as he realized how terrible he screwed up. "i will always care about this. i will always care about you. don't ever think differently. i'm just incredibly... dumb sometimes. i can't believe i made you think that," he trailed on. "i will never not care about you, y/n. i swear it. i will always, always care about you. i will always love you," he froze as he realized what he just revealed. your eyes widened, and squinted, and roamed his face, trying to figure out if he meant the words he had just sped out. "i truly do, y/n. i i’m in love with you and i'm so sorry i made it seem otherwise."

it took you a second to absorb everything that he had said.

"you too," you solemnly admitted. "i’m in love with you too. and i could forgive you... for almost forgetting," you gave him a small smile.

"i'm glad you could forgive me. i don't know what i'd do if you didn't," he relished. "you actually love me?" you nodded with a small smile.

"i have for a while," you turned your head to the bags on the table.

"oh! right!" he said, reaching for the gifts. "i got your favorite takeout, your favorite wine, your favorite chocolates, flowers, and..." he trailed on as he revealed each item. "i saw this teddy, and i couldn't resist," he smiled.

you took the bear, taking in its appearance. it had a light blue, navy, and white diamond pattern sweater vest and brown shoes on. it looked like spencer, just teddy bear form. you smiled widely at the sentiment.

"it's you," you grinned as you took it in your arms, hugging it tightly as you saw spencer nodded with a smile mirroring that of your own. "i love it," you chuckled.

"i would understand, the fur is really soft," he relished in the thought.

"i don't think he'd be as good of a cuddler as the real thing, though," you grimaced. "but he'll do for when i don't have you here i guess," you shrugged with a smile.

"i plan on being here as long as you'll let me," he said softly.

"always," you grinned, setting down the teddy bear and trading him for the real spencer reid.

"always," he repeated, taking you in his arms and squeezing you tightly as if you'd float away at any moment. "now let's dig into this food while you talk about your feelings, if you want that is," he said after releasing you from the hug.

"i think i want to," you nodded. "and spence?" he turned from getting the food out of the bag to look at you for a second. "thank you for being my rock through all of this."

"i'll always be your rock, y/n."

@averyhotchner  @greenprisca  @muffin-cup

[velvethopewrites]

Two of Us

Bingo #8 - “I want to go to the beach. It’s the middle of winter. I don’t care.” For some reason, when I read those lines, this is what came out. lol

Also on AO3 for reviews and kudos!

"I want to go to the beach."

"Gin, It's the middle of winter."

"I don't care."

Harry sighed as he continued to rub his pregnant wife's feet. She was due any day, and they both knew it. It was their first, and Harry couldn't help but feel excited and worried and anxious all at the same time. He thought he might explode with all his emotions if the baby didn't decide to arrive soon. But he knew it was nothing compared to what Ginny was currently going through. He knew she was beyond ready to no longer be pregnant. And she'd been handling it all great – hardly any mood swings or weird food cravings (Bill had told him to be on the lookout for that, and Arthur had told him about the former, all the while looking around to make sure Molly wasn't listening). But these last few days, his wife had been most…disagreeable. And emotional. As though she'd waited the whole pregnancy just to make his life a bit crazy at the end of it.

But now, he could tell from the stubborn tilt of his wife's head that she meant business. And they were either about to have a terrible row of Final Battle proportions, or he was about to be visiting a cold, windy beach very soon. Suddenly, Harry had an idea. They still had the baby's room to finish, and so far, neither of them could decide how to finish it. Maybe this was a sign.

He shifted out from under her feet and gave her an apologetic smile. "You know you can't travel anywhere, love, Healer's orders, but…if you permit me, I can bring a little bit of the beach to you?"

Ginny raised an eyebrow at him and folded her arms, eyeing him with suspicion. "All right, as long as this isn't some way of getting out of here until my mind is changed. Like you did with the biscuits."

Harry had the grace to feel embarrassed about that incident and rested his hand on her rather large belly. "Promise," he said, making his voice as earnest as possible.

Ginny's expression immediately melted, and she reached out to rest her hand on his. "Oh, I'm sorry, Harry. I am so…I just want us to have one more moment of happiness before the baby comes." She sniffed. Loudly. Harry didn't think pointing out that the baby coming would make them both beyond ecstatic was the wisest thing to say at the moment.

Harry refrained from sighing and rubbed her stomach soothingly. "Just leave it all to me, yeah?"

She nodded, her eyes big and hopeful. Harry stood up and pulled the blanket over her, leaning down to kiss her head. "Have a nice kip here, and I'll be back before you know it, Gin."

She nodded and lay back against the settee, eyes falling shut. Harry watched her for a moment, his heart filling with a raw sort of emotion. It was a fierceness to protect her and their son, as well as to try to make her as happy as he could. He pushed his glasses up his nose and looked around, wondering where was the best place to start, and headed towards the floo in the other room so as not to disturb her. He had a beach to bring home.

When Ginny awoke, she felt disoriented, forgetting she was on the downstairs settee. She blinked until her eyes focused – the sitting room was dark, with just the soft glow of the fire Harry had clearly started for her. Next to her on the coffee table was a mug under a stasis charm and her wand. She reached for both and brought the lights up in the room, for there was also a note.

Gin-

Come into the baby's room when you wake up. I have a surprise for you. – Love, Harry.

Ps. Drink your potion first. *stern face*

Ginny giggled softly and dutifully drank her potion. It was just a pre-natal concoction the Healer had insisted she drink every few hours, the closer they came to the baby's due date. Apparently, it was full of wonderful things for both her and the baby, and it was supposed to make delivery a breeze, but so far, all Ginny knew was that it tasted like feet. Well, it tasted like she imagined what feet would taste like if ground up and tossed in with some dirt and grass. It was wholly disgusting, actually.

After struggling to get off the couch (and Ginny was embarrassed at long, it actually took her to heft herself up) she turned to find her husband.

She could hear the soft murmuring of voices coming from upstairs somewhere and sighed as she gripped the banister. She was re-thinking her decision to put the baby's room on the second floor, although she knew, in a few weeks, she'd be happy with the idea again. She somehow managed to quietly make her way upstairs, even though she did rest at the top for a moment. The door to the nursery was open, with warm, golden light spilling out of it, and Ginny paused as she could have sworn she heard the distant call of a seagull.

"Harry?" she called out. A moment later, he stuck his head out of the room, smiling at her.

"Hey, you're up finally. I thought you were going to sleep through your surprise. Come on, Gin, I think you'll love it."

Ginny frowned as she waddled forward (that was all she could really do these days, was waddle) and took Harry's outstretched hand as he led her to the doorway. She gasped as she took in the room and what he'd done to it.

Along one wall was a vast mural – and this was a beach scene – right down the swaying palm trees and sandcastles and crabs moving along the side, as though trying to break out of the image. It was painted in the bluest blue she had ever seen – with a moss green accent around the trim and the slightest hint of a sand-burst of yellow along the bottom, giving the effect of a seaside motif. It reminded Ginny of something that she couldn't place. The trees appeared to move with a breeze she couldn't feel, and the waves were rolling back and forth, as though with the tide, as the sun started to set, casting the room in deep oranges and purples. A moment later, the room would brighten again as the sun began to rise. She looked at her husband.

"What is all this? How did you paint that?"

"I contacted a few of our friends and family members, and they all pitched together to help me bring you the beach. Don't you recognize it? It's one of our photos from our honeymoon. Well, magically enhanced, that is. Luna helped turn it into a painting… Bill also helped with that part to make sure it covered the whole wall, and Hermione helped with getting it to continuously move. We can slow it up to last like a real day or any time in between. That was what I did to it. And Ron did this."

Harry pointed to a small shelf near the baby's crib, and it had various pictures of her and Harry together on the beach they'd visited after they'd married – laughing and playing in the sand together. It was done as a collage sort of arrangement, with the frames sticking together to form the silhouette of a bungalow. Ginny blinked rapidly and put her hand over her heart.

"This is amazing, Harry. It's so pretty. But I thought I heard you talking to someone up here. Did someone just leave?"

Harry led her to the rocking chair they'd placed in the corner of the room and gave his wife a grin. "Now, for the best part. See that?" He nodded at what looked like a little transistor wireless – Ginny had seen her dad work on enough of them during her young life to recognize the Muggle contraption.

"Tap it with your wand," Harry said, his voice excited.

Ginny did so, and suddenly, the sound of the ocean filled the tiny room – it was soothing, actually. She heard the same bird cry she'd heard from before. Amazingly enough, the fresh scent of ocean air also filled the room – full of sun and sand and water. There was even the smoky hint of an evening fire, reminding her of the time they stayed on the dunes all night talking. Then they'd made love next to the dying embers of the fire, lost in each other in the best way possible. She didn't know how he'd managed to capture that scent, but it honestly smelled like the beach. She turned to Harry to say something, but he held up his hand for her to wait, and then she heard it. His voice coming from the wireless.

She fiddled with the volume so that she could hear what he was saying.

"This reminds me of us and all the fun we had on that beach for our holiday. Do you remember, Gin? We'd stay up all night, make love when we wanted, order room service, and then take strolls along the water? I had never been on proper holiday before, you know. And to be there with you, as my wife, it was amazing, Gin. I love you so much. And you're having our baby, and I can't wait to meet him, and you're worried about us never being happy again, but Gin, I could never be unhappy because I have you, and soon we'll have little James, and it will be perfect."

Ginny felt the tears behind her eyes and sniffed as she looked at her husband. Harry bent down and took her hands into his.

"We can record over the message as much as we want, or Hermione said that we can switch it to music for the baby to listen to while he's in here. I thought maybe some of that steel-drum type of stuff we heard that one night we went into town, remember?"

"Oh, Harry! This is amazing. Oh, I am so sorry I've been so out of sorts and not myself. I don't deserve you, sometimes."

"Hey, stop that. And anyway, you have the best excuse, and no, you haven't been too much you daft thing," Harry kissed her gently as he wiped away a tear that had fallen. "Now you're up and down emotions, on the other hand…."

He quirked his mouth at her, and she laughed, shaking her head. "Thank you, Harry."

"Your welcome, Gin. I love you. I hope you understand that. And I'm sorry I couldn't take you to the beach, but…until you're able to travel, maybe come in here and just remember."

"Maybe after James is born, we can go again to our little bungalow?"

"Well, I reckon. I mean, if you're that intent on giving him a sibling so soon," Harry said, chuckling. "Seeing you in that bikini once more might turn me into a wild animal again." He rested his hand on her stomach lovingly as though remembering.

Ginny snorted, pretty sure it'd be a while before she could even fit into that skimpy bikini again. "Hmm, give me a year, yeah? At the least. Not sure I can do this again, quite so soon."

Ginny felt the baby kick then, as though in reply, and they both marveled at each other. Harry gave her a huge smile.

"I love it when he does that," he said, feeling her belly.

"He's coming soon, I think," Ginny said, nodding. "He's in a hurry to see his dad."

"And his Mum. You're gonna be great at it, you know. I reckon we both will. We'll only make half-a-dozen mistakes a day, I'm sure."

Harry leaned forward and kissed her, and Ginny felt some of the tension she'd been carrying the last few days start to wear off. She pulled back and winked at her husband as an idea came to her.

"Care to try one of the things the Healer said we can do to speed this birth along?"

Harry looked confused, and then his face turned a bit pink. "Really? Um, okay. Yeah. You never have to ask me for that, just so you know. I will always be up for doing my husbandly duties."

Ginny laughed as he helped her out of the chair, and they made their way to the bedroom. She couldn't wait for the baby to be born, this was true, but for right now, she was okay with it still just being her and Harry.

o-o-o-o-o

[lunapwrites]

Omg I'm dying with the titles!!! Can I have something from "waiting room"?

Hi hello yes friend! <3 I am fairly certain this is another bit from LTL, but let me check...

OH NO. Ohhhhh this is from a VERY OLD version of the bathtub scene (still Remus POV!), before I ended up reworking a bunch of things. I'll note what changed under a cut, but uh. Here is a small, inoffensive snippet of this one lol

-

"I can't believe you did this." Dora snorted, squirting different coloured dyes into several small bowls. They'd broken out the good china for this exercise, he'd noticed. "I absolutely can." Sirius sighed dramatically, and Remus was beginning to suspect he'd somehow switched consciousness with his fifth-year self. "I just fancied a change."  "Then paint some walls or something, you prat, not…" He trailed off, gesturing vaguely at Sirius' hair, which truly looked horrid. "Eugh, look, no offence, cariad, blond is not your colour." "You don't think it makes me look like my cousin? My dear old mother used to say we had the same cheekbones." He pursed his lips, tapping his cheek with his index finger. He did have lovely cheekbones, but that was rather beside the point. "Probably why she tried to marry me off to her, come to think of it." "Cissy had actual colour to her hair. This is… erm…" "White?" Dora supplied, grinning as though she weren't at least partially responsible. "Well, that's a word for it, isn’t it? Thank you Dora." Sirius scowled; the effect was rather ruined by how ridiculous he looked. Don't laugh, Lupin, you'll just get him all het up again. Whatever made him happy, right?

Right. "I’m never staying blond, ta very much." Dora winked at Remus, then grabbed Sirius' head firmly and turned him so he was looking straight down into his lap. "Too right you're not, now sit still so I can apply this."

-

OK, so if you want to see the changes...

This was the version where Remus ALSO sat down and let Dora dye his hair (he no longer does this.) Fun fact: this is what my PFP is from lol. I'm still a little sad I lost that bit, but. Oh well. It really wasn't that important.

The hearing never happened in this version, so Sirius was still trying to figure out a legal way to clear his name rather than Remus flinging himself at the situation like an angry cat.

The whole borderline alcoholism angle with Sirius was not addressed yet like it has been in LTL-canon, and the problem was going to be a lot worse. I decided to walk it back a little because he didn't really get the chance to full-on spiral down that particular well like he did in actual-canon.

This version takes place the same night the Weasley kids + Harry show up at Grimmauld Place. I pushed it up earlier in the month instead because it was WAY too messy and honestly I didn't want to put a bunch of anxious teens in the same house as a couple of inebriated adults. As I was writing it out, the discomfort overrode any comic value.

Sirius got to be The Adult In The Room, which... I ended up reworking as a concept into some better/healthier moments, since it's important for his character arc.

The discussion between Remus and Dora re: his past addiction issues was originally going to happen here, and Remus was also going to mentally draw parallels between his past and Sirius' current struggles. I felt it was a little too on the nose.

I had been laying the groundwork for actual UST between Dora and Sirius here, which no longer strictly lines up with where they're headed in LTL.

There was a photograph of Remus with green hair. I will be working this into LTL canon SOMEWHERE, or so help me XD

Remus took paint thinner to Walburga's portrait, and Dora drew a dick on her with a sharpie which she couldn't scream about, owing to no longer having a mouth. While the scene is hilarious, I could not in good conscience keep this as is, and the writing in the dialogue is so genuinely terrible I want to cry lol. (Not like the words they're saying are bad, just I was still in the "need to write the way they sound" mode, and it just isn't a good look, it's going back in the hole forever.)

There's probably some other changes here but yeah, just generally tone and trajectory and pacing and plot alllllll changed from where this was at initially lol.

Thank you for the ask!!

[markaleb]

My experiences with top surgery

I'm not totally sure where to start with this, but I've been thinking about writing about my experiences with top surgery for a little while now. More under the cut because of length.

Warning, I will be talking in some detail about post-surgery stuff that'll be gross.

I had top surgery on the 18th of October, and am still in recovery from that.

It's been an experience, I tell ya what.

Completely honestly, I've been a bit worried about my reactions to it, mostly because everything I read from other people who have had top surgery is basically them being ecstatic and in love with the results immediately, whereas I just... don't feel that. Not yet anyway.

DISCLAIMER, I do NOT regret having top surgery, but I do have some complex emotions about it.

There were some complications getting the surgery to happen at all. I got the phone call consolation which went well, and then a date for the surgery itself. I remember being ecstatic about that and didn't know how to process just how excited I was.

The complications came about arranging GETTING to the hospital, as it required a long car drive, a ferry ride, hotel accommodations, and a negative covid test. The covid test was the biggest issue, as no one locally would give a test to someone without symptoms. To get that test, I'd have to go to the other end of the island and pay $250 on top of gas and whatever else for the trip. Funds were already tight, and we'd just barely managed to save up enough for the hotel, gas, and the ferry. Trying to work in how to go to the other end of the island and fork out half of one of my paychecks for the covid test was more than a little stressful.

There were times when I thought we'd have to postpone because of financial difficulty. Leading up to the surgery, I was having a lot of anxiety and mixed emotions. Some of the time I would be super excited and couldn't wait for the surgery date to come. Other times I'd be gripped with anxiety and wonder if I was rushing into this. Doesn't help that being autistic, I don't do well with change and without fail, get anxiety going nuts whenever a big change is coming, whether it's good or bad.

What really made me certain that I was ready for the surgery was whenever I'd think about the worst case scenario of postponing, I'd get incredibly depressed. That depression at possibly having to wait even longer for top surgery was stronger than the anxiety, so I took that as a sign that this was definitely something I was sure about wanting.

We got things sorted with the covid test. Kiddo brought home a cold and gave it to the rest of us, so I did have possible covid symptoms and was able to get a test done locally. Timing lol.

Anyway, we got to our motel, and surgery day came. I was still anxious as fuck, but the staff there were all super friendly and understanding. My surgeon was very kind throughout the morning while I waited, as well as after once I woke up from anesthetic. Everyone was awesome about answering any questions I had and helping calm my anxiety.

I don't remember too much about post surgery. Mostly that they told me they were going to give me something to calm my nerves through my IV, and then bam. In the recovery room trying to wake up. Everything went well. There were no complications at all, and despite being sore, I felt pretty good! No nausea, so as soon as kamorth and I got back to the hotel, she ordered some food and I took it easy the rest of the day.

I didn't know what to feel really. I couldn't look at my chest yet because of all the dressings, but I was riding a high from the fact that the surgery was done. Honestly, even though I knew the boobs were gone, part of my mind kept expecting them to pop out again once I had my first dressing change and got to actually see my chest.

My emotions were kind of all over the place that first week. Mostly I was sore and tired, wanted to sleep a lot, and I was trying to process that this had actually happened. I can say that for that first week I was pretty happy.

I had my first dressing change and it was... interesting. I didn't have the money to stay in a motel for a full week, so I had my dressing change with my local family doctor, who was very good about the whole thing. It's still very new to me to go shirtless around anyone, but I was comfortable with him.

To begin with I handled it well. The binder came off, and the bulk of the dressings came off as well. I'm very thankful that the surgeon I went to doesn't do chest drains. I don't know if I would have been able to handle them personally. Anyway, I did have nipple grafts done, so we had to get to those dressings after the rest were taken off.

I still had mixed emotions at this point and was trying to process that my boobs were actually gone. It was going fine, until the doctor took the dressings off my nipples.

They didn't look at all like the photos I'd seen online about what they should look like one week post surgery. They were completely black, oozing, and the left one looked like it had a sunken bloody crater in the middle. For reference, I'm mixed Caucasian and Japanese, so I have pretty light skin.

I went into full on shock at that point. My vision went funny, my hearing cut out (I could only hear a static ringing in my ears), sweat was running down my back, and if I wasn't already sitting, I think I would have fainted. I did my best not to throw up and focused on breathing long enough for my vision and hearing to come back.

Despite this, the doctor said as far as he could tell everything looked good. He's not an expert on top surgery recovery, but there was no noticeable bruising or swelling, and as far as he could tell, despite my nipples looking horrible, they were attached.

We got new dressings on the nipples and I was able to calm down much better when I couldn't see them. The binder went back on, and I was well enough to go back home.

According to the surgeon's instructions, I need to shower and change the dressings on my nipples once every 2 days. I'm at 3 weeks post surgery, and my nipples are still black and crusty. Not the nice pink color so many other people who have had top surgery get at this stage of recovery. They're basically giant scabs, and one has started coming off on it's own. That gave me a big panic because of how gross it looks, but from everyone I've talked to and all the research I've done, it seems normal.

What no one told me before, is that it can take anywhere from around 2 to 7 weeks (possibly more) for nipple grafts to heal to the point where dressings aren't needed anymore. I got shown all the nice stories about people healing fast and worried that there was something wrong with me when I'm just healing a bit slower.

I'm almost at the point where I don't need the chest binder anymore and I can't wait for that. It's generally been the most painful part of my recovery because of having to have it on 24/7 aside from showers.

Now we're coming to what I think is the important part of my ramblings.

One more week or so, and I can take off the binder for good, though I'll probably still need dressings on my nipples for a bit. I've been able to see my new chest and get a feel for it.

Virtually every other person I've seen go through top surgery is immediately happy and in love with their new chest right away. I'm not there yet. I was wondering if something was wrong with me, or if I made the wrong choice.

I went through some really bad post surgery depression, which can happen with ANY surgery.

Despite these mixed feelings and worries, I did come to a few realizations. One was that even though I was dealing with some massive depression, my feelings of hopelessness and everything else weren't to do with my chest or the surgery. It was stuff I normally get depressed about just feeling 10 times worse, but body dysphoria wasn't part of it nearly as much as it had been before. The dysphoria that was still there was mostly to do with the healing bits look squicky.

I was, and still am feeling some dysphoria, but I think that's mostly because I'm still mid transition, and my chest is a mess of injuries that are still healing. I haven't gotten to see my chest properly yet. It's still healing and needs more time. I don't love my body or my chest yet, but I hate it less than I did before starting to transition.

Each day that goes by, I'm gradually hating my body less and less. And I'm talking about under the clothes. I'm loving the look of having shirts against a flat chest when I go out and about. Under my shirt however, I'm still working on it, but I'm getting there. I may not love my chest yet, but the more I heal, the closer I get.

TLDR: The main point I want to get at is that for anyone who goes through top surgery and doesn't immediately love their new chest, don't stress too much. I think it's important to know that not everyone is the same, and it's ok if it takes time before you love or even like your new chest.

[lie---ability]

for too many times in my life had i been wrong about people. so much that anyone who tries to have anything with me makes me anxious. i even get anxious about my upcoming job at Virus & Partners because new people = chances of any of them hurting me. i have been wrong about people so much that i think it's because i idealize them so much. i mean an example could be us hanging out everyday, do a lot of things together, stay out late together, ditch others for each other, chat each other right after being together the entire day, say i love you and get home safe — and i'd think we're best friends!!! only for her to say we never were. and that she never wanted to be close with someone like me. so it must be me, right? maybe i just fell in love with the thought that she's a great best friend. at the same time i think, no. she was a best friend, she did exist. that version of her existed. or at least did when it was convenient or beneficial to her, but when the time came where it wasn't, she threw me under the bus, become totally different from who i loved. who i proudly said was my best friend. all those months that built up my comfort, trust, attachment — ended up being told as a lie. and if it came from the person herself that they were lies, who am i to say she's just saying that for whatever reason? she said it herself. we weren't best friends even if she said it before. so what was the truth? was i just really stupid and idealistic? or are people just so awful now? it's like i'm this fish in a pond who's so easy to catch with just the right amount of treat. like i'd swim away when you approach but try a bit more and i'd fall for it. attachment issues suck, more so my abandonment issues.

but this post isn't about jodie. this is about my first boyfriend, rikko.

first because rj doesn't count, the fuck? that shit was a joke lol i just got a dose of reality at an early age. no love there at all. who even falls in love at 13? that shit illegal. so yes, rikko is my first boyfriend ♥️ and even though i've dated guys before, he's the only one i ever loved so far. i love him so much. in fact, before i was already starting to think that maybe i'm not capable of love? i mean, i'm aware i'm a mean person. but i didn't think of myself as someone incapable of falling in love. but among the guys i met and dated, ALL OF THEM WERE JUST TO FEED MY EGO. ego ego ego. tell me i'm pretty. keep asking me to go out and let me reject you over and over again. show me how much you wanna take me out on a date again. over and over and all of them were unintended! when i do talk to someone, a part of me tries! maybe this could work? but it kept ending the same way. ego food. which led me to think fuckkk i'm incapable of loving too? what am i here for then tfuck? — until i met rikko! and everything he did and said, i wanted more of it. the more he laughed, the more he cried, i wanted to keep seeing them, even if he laughs/cries for the same reasons over and over. i wanted the things he wanted. i wanted to like the shit he liked, and i did! i hated touch but i love being held by him. he was expressive too! like the other boys! but for some reason, it wasn't ego food. they became credit scores for me. each time he gets a point, it adds up to my reasons why this is it! why this is worth a try! and i struggled and fought hard. the commitment and daddy issues, the anxiety, the fear of abandonment, blah blah and he did and said the right things at the right time he went at the right places, gave the right gifts, promised the right things — all for him to turn out to be just like everybody else. he died months into my life. he couldn't keep up with the character he played, and idk why people keep playing a character on me. jodie played the supportive bff but really wanted to be some sort of main character which i think is rather difficult hence the hurtful betrayal. and then there's rikko, who played the boy i could ever want, but never was that person. he never was that person to his parents and friends, and i thought he would suddenly change for me? that's some boss level pick me girl shit. i love rikko, even now as i type this. i met him january 2020, it's july 29, 2021 today, and i love him so much. but i'm not sure if i should be with him anymore. on principle, morals, self-care, common sense, logic, religion. why? because he died. he died last january 2021. he's no longer the same rikko i fell for. his hands aren't the ones i fought myself to hold. he's not the same person who went all the way from paranaque to cainta for me at 8pm because my dad told me he almost had another baby with someone ON MY BIRTHDAY. he's not the same person i looked at up at Sm Aura thinking he could be the one. and that i belong here, with him. that i love being with him, and he could be other things, but i want to be with him. he didn't know it, but looking at him as he talked about his friends, those things ran in my head. it was the same rikko who got teary eyed when he misunderstood me there at the Sm Aura rooftop, thinking i meant that i was just playing him. the rikko who gave me a necklace for no reason, wore it on me and even had it in a totally unsuspecting case (tea bag) which made the surprise funnier and cuter, is... yep... no longer here. the rikko who kept reminding me i'm redeemable, that i'm not my anxieties, i'm not my bad brain, i'm not my small voice, that rikko is long gone. and still i stayed waiting, making excuses, reasoning out with myself, trusting that he'd come back and funny enough, 7 months in and... he's still gone.

the saddest part is he doesn't want to be like that. or so i think. he tries. i see him trying. i see the efforts. he tries to ask me about my day, about my worries, why i'm anxious, why i'm sad or irritated. he asks me about work, applications and when i'm out with friends or family. he tries to make time for me even now that he prefers valorant over ml with me, i know he tries to play ml with me. he tries to take some time off work to talk to me. he tries to post on social media now, shares my ig stories, joins my tiktoks and get along with my jokes. he tries. i know he does. but that's the thing. he has to try. and maybe those things, he just isn't. and the difference between trying and develop is with development, there is direction. there is progress. with rikko... it's unstable. sometimes he can do this, but the next times not so sure. and as someone anxious with rejection and abandonment issues, inconsistencies are okay, but a lot of them? and major ones? NOTHING GOOD WILL COME OF IT. so many things rikko doesn't know and still he has it in him to say or assume a lot of things about me. one of them is when he said i'm ALWAYS annoyed at him. does he know how many times i get annoyed at things he do? but i don't address all of them not because i don't want to but because i acknowledge that they're not worth the fight or i'm just being hotheaded or immature or maybe inconsiderate. i think first before i act on him because if i learned anything about rikko, emotions have to make sense! which is wrong in the first place but that's who i'm with! but at the times i can't help being tampo, annoyed, or upset, he finds it in him to tell me i'm a l w a y s annoyed? WHEN?!?! i even asked him when and i know he realized it but still he fell stubborn to his pride. does he also know that his gifts don't make me kilig anymore? they just relieve me at this point which is sad!!! fucking sad!!! why? for example, for my virtual college graduation i was getting anxious few days before because i'm worried he won't give me anything or do something for me which will surely trigger my ~neglected issues~ and if i do get triggered, instead of addressing and being there for me, instead of making it up to me, he'd get mad! he'd make me feel that i'm asking for so much, for the impossible, all while i see it happen to people. i see other dudes give their girlfriends things without occasion. i see them try to like the things their girlfriends like, even embarrassing ones that she posts on social media. i see men constantly expressing their love for their gfs, for the person they asked to commit to them. all while i have one who would call me demanding, needy and exhausting. imagine? lol i get anxious he won't fulfill me not because i'd get sad but because he'll get mad when i get upset. he'd make me feel awful and remind me of the reason why we should end. and i hate that. i'm fighting so hard to take it off my mind, i hate thinking that we're incompatible, unhappy and that we're just trying to revive this love we have for each other. that love really isn't enough, even for us. so when he got me this bouquet for graduation, i was 95% relieved and 5% kilig because awwwww but more importantly, I WON'T BE TAMPO WHICH MEANS I WON'T HAVE TO HIDE AND HE WON'T HAVE TO GET ANNOYED AT ME BEING UPSET! as i type this all the more i feel bad because it's so clear i shouldn't be with him anymore. it hurts each time it crosses my mind. i really see rikko as the love of my life. and idk why. because he shouldn't be. the love of your life should be someone who makes you laugh, makes you strong but can also let you cry. the love of your life is the one who holds you on your way out of dark times. the love of your life is the one who corrects you in ways that won't make you feel bad, but in ways that make you feel cared for. that he's telling you so out of concern, not because he thinks you're a difficult sick mental person who needs an on-call therapist and an attending nurse. the love of your life should be the person who makes you cry the least.

but he doesn't deserve it also. maybe he's not ready to be in a relationship just yet. and there was no harm in trying. in fact i'm happy he tried because if he hadn't added me on facebook and hit up on instagram, i would have never known what love was like. i would also have never known how fun and exciting it is to be in love. it's so nice actually! to lie down with someone and just know they'll be there when you wake up and even if you do wake up in the middle of the night, you're safe with them. and no matter what you look like in the morning or how loud you snore or how stretched you are in bed, you are loved by this person next to you. and they chose to sleep with you too. to be as vulnerable as you are. and i loved that with rikko. we sleep together, we wake up in between sleep just to look for each other's cheeks, we shower together, we do weird shower dances, we have secret baby things, and a lot more things that you would think from here on meant forever. because these things, how could you ever try them again with someone else? because from where i am right now I HATE THE THOUGHT OF THOSE WITH ANYONE WHO'S NOT RIKKO. but stay with him for what? for what at this point? i'm not God. i'm just an anxious person with daddy issues who has enough money hunger and dreams plus a mom, aunts and 1 friend who loves rikko so much. i can't change him. and i shouldn't.

[memesiders]

Part 1

Death x OC Office AU

(I'm still obsessed with the Office AU created by @notesz-b so I started writing a little something. It's not the best but I'm proud of it so yeah... Any suggestions for a title or critiques are welcome. Just please be gentle lol)

My eyes flicked to the clock on the wall for what felt like the hundredth time in the past forty five minutes. How much longer would I have to wait? It wasn't like there were a bunch of people here; when I'd arrived there had only been three people in the waiting area. Now, only I remained. Well, me and the woman sitting behind her desk, tapping away at her keyboard. Amber, I think her name was. I flicked my eyes down to her, admiring her long platinum hair that was pulled into a tight ponytail.

Very Ariana Grande of her. Did she get migraines often from the strain on her scalp?

She looked up at me suddenly, cool eyes studying me while one of her perfect brows arched curiously. I smiled awkwardly, embarrassed by being caught for looking too long. She let out a long breath and picked up the phone on the desk, putting it to her ear and hitting a button. My smile dropped and I looked away quickly, nervously tugging at the few loose strands of hair that fell into my face.

"Hello, sir," Amber said, breaking the silence. "Yes, still here..." I cut my eyes back to her. "Yes... Okay. Do you want me to tell her to leave?" My heart dropped into my stomach. Oh no, I was not going to leave here without getting my interview. I shot up and adjusted my bag, walking over to her desk. She hung up as I reached it and turned to me. "I'm sorry, but we have to reschedule your interview. Something's come up and-"

"I need this interview," I cut in, feeling slight guilt at interrupting her. "Please, I really, really need this interview. I've been waiting for almost an hour and-"

"I apologize." Her voice was louder and less kind than it had been. "But the boss is not up to interviewing any potential-"

"Oh, fuck that," I muttered under my breath, walking to the two large office doors. Amber yelled at me to stop but I ignored her, grabbing one of the sleek handles and twisting it. Something hard hit my back and I fell forward, the door swinging open. All I could do was yelp before my face hit the ground and I was being subdued by Office Barbie. I grunted and struggled against her, kicking my legs and swinging back to try and hit her. She grabbed my arm and twisted it behind my back. I hissed at the action and tried to pull my arm free to no avail; how could someone so tiny be so strong?

"Amber, enough," a deep voice ordered. The weight on top of me disappeared seconds after the command and I pushed myself onto my knees, hugging my throbbing arm to my chest. I glared up at the woman who wasn't even looking at me.

"Should I remove her from the premises, sir?" she asked, the expression on her face clearly saying she wanted the speaker to say yes.

"That won't be necessary," the man sighed. He sounded tired, exhausted even. I turned my head to look at the speaker, my breath escaping me. There was something about him that was almost ethereal. I couldn't tell if it was the pale skin, the long raven hair, or the eyes that seemed to burn like hot embers. Maybe it was none of that and was, instead, the muscles that flexed under the dark suit he wore. One thing was for certain though; he wasn't human.

He wasn't an angel either, nor a demon, the lack of wings proved that. I could practically hear my older sister yelling at me what he was. I should've paid attention to what she told me. Something about ancient beings and being the last of their kind or something like that. Fuck, why hadn't I paid attention?

He cleared his throat and I jumped, shaking off the cloud that had formed around me. I shakily got to my feet and brushed off my skirt and tights, combing a quick hand through my hair. He lazily waved his hand and Amber moved from my side, leaving the room and closing the door behind her. Goosebumps rose on my arms as I realized I was now alone with him, and that my first impression was probably the worst that could've happened. "Well?" I jumped again, noting the irritation in his voice. I stared at him with wide eyes, afraid to move for some reason.

He rolled his eyes and sat up straight in his chair, clasping his hands together. "You barge into my office for an interview I canceled and now you have nothing to say?" I made a strangled sound and squeezed the strap of my bag tightly.

"I- I'm, uh, I'm sorry," I managed to choke out, wishing I'd just left instead of bulldozing my way forward. Death scoffed and rubbed his temples, a vein in his neck popping out as he clenched his jaw. I had to do this right before he changed his mind and had Amber throw me out on my ass. I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders, walking over to his desk with confidence I could only fake at the moment.

"My name is Aziza Banks," I said, offering him my hand. He stared at it for a good minute before finally taking it. We shook and I couldn't help but notice how large his hand was compared to mine, and how cold his skin felt against my palm. I nearly yanked my hand away from the icy touch. He gestured for me to take a seat and I nodded in appreciation, sitting down in one of the nice leather chairs and setting my bag in the other. I pulled out my resumé and placed it in the dark desk, sliding it across to him. "I'm here about the part time receptionist opening."

He nodded but made no move to pick up my resumé. I shifted nervously and took a deep breath, fighting the urge to bounce my leg. I did that whenever I was anxious, and it was taking everything in my to not give in. "What are your qualifications? Experience?"

"If you look inside you'll find-"

"I want to hear them from you." I bit my tongue, holding back the string of curses I wanted to throw his way. He had made me wait an hour, tried to cancel the interview, and now he wanted me to tell him what was so easily accessible to him? God, what a prick.

"It's in my resumé, which I thought you read," I said calmly, adding a bite to my words. The corner of his mouth twitched slightly and he grabbed the folder, flipping through it without looking at it. Instead, he stared at a small bird statue on his desk. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he looked through the file.

"Twenty Four, graduated with a bachelor's in art & design." He snorted quietly and continued down, one of his brows arching. "What is this?" He held up a photograph and I knew my face was redder than a tomato. It was a photo of my younger sister and I wearing fedoras and flipping off the camera. I had my tongue sticking out. Oh God.

"Goddammit, Neema," I muttered under my breath, covering my face with a hand. "I'm so sorry; I think my little sister slipped it in. She's always playing jokes and trying to embarrass me." I dropped my hand and sighed. "I am so, so sorry." He gave me what seemed like a sympathetic look and tucked the picture back into the folder.

"Siblings can be... irritating," he replied, squinting his eyes slightly as he continued to look through my file.

"That's putting it mildly." The corner of his mouth twitched slightly and I fought back a small smile of my own. Silence fell over us after that. I turned my attention to the room we were in, studying everything. There was a couch and a few chairs in one of the corners of the large office, a coffee table in the center of the circle of furniture. Two plants rested in different corners and two large ornate scythes were displayed on a wall, one crossing over the other. Shelves hung on a different wall with books stacked neatly on them and a picture frame with four people in it.

I couldn't make them all out from where I was sitting but I was almost certain the one on the inner left was Death. Underneath The shelves was a bar with a mini fridge and crystal glasses neatly displayed on the countertop. The office, for how large it was, was mostly bare; the man was definitely a minimalist.

I finished looking around and finally turned my attention back to Death, who had been watching me. For how long, I didn't know, but I nearly jumped out of my skin when I saw those amber eyes staring at me. I straightened up and gave him a small smile, nodding at my resumé. "There anything else you'd like to know that isn't in there?" I asked politely. He closed the folder and slid it back to me, shaking his head.

"No, thank you." He cleared his throat and clasped his hands together. "I'm sorry, Miss Banks, but I don't think you'd be a right fit." My heart sank and I completely deflated, shoulders dropping.

"What? Why not?" I asked, sounding more pathetic than I'd meant to. Death shrugged.

"I don't see anything in your resumé that suggest that you'd be right for the job. Your degree is in arts & design, not business, communications, or anything that could be useful to my office." I opened my mouth to speak but he continued. "I'm interested in people who can contribute something valuable to me and the company; you have nothing to offer. I'm sorry for wasting your time, have a nice day." With that, he turned his attention to his computer screen. Something started to bubble inside of me, something hot and anxious. I was mad- no, pissed. How could I not be a good fit? How could I not have something valuable to contribute? I could definitely contribute patience; that was evident by the hour I waited outside his fucking office. I slammed my hands down on his desk and stood, scoffing loudly. He looked back at me.

"Are you serious right now?" I laughed, but it wasn't because I was amused. "I spent a chunk of my time in your waiting room while you were in here doing God knows what, only getting a meeting with you after running past and being taken down by your attack dog, only so you can turn me down because you think I can't contribute anything to the office? That I'm not a valuable asset or have something worthy for you?" The bubbling had turned into a fire in the pit of my stomach and I could feel tears pricking the corners of my eyes. Fuck, why did I always cry when I was pissed off? "That's absolute bullshit!" Death regarded me coolly and stood, now towering over me. He was well over 6'0, that was for sure, because I was about that height and I seemed tiny now in comparison. His height didn't discourage me though; I was too angry for that.

"Honestly, you're not making the situation any better for yourself," he replied calmly, as if we were both having a normal conversation. "Do you think you deserve a job here because I made you wait? Or maybe because you got past my 'attack dog'?" I blinked, taken aback.

"Wha- No, of course not!" He was really pissing me off now. He leaned down to me, his face nearly touching mine. I could smell a hint of alcohol on his breath, and something else I couldn't quite place.

"Then why?" Death asked, voice low. He was trying to intimidate me, I knew it. He wasn't going to get that satisfaction; no one ever had and no one ever would. I rocked forward onto my toes, pushing myself up so that our noses brushed. The loose strands of his hair brushed against my cheek, tickling my skin and catching my eyelashes.

"Because I'm qualified and I'm pretty sure I'm the only applicant who hasn't bailed on you because of how long you avoided them," I answered, my voice unable to stay calm. "I can take anything you throw at me and get it done perfectly. I busted my ass getting here and if you give me a chance, I'll show you that I deserve to be here. That I have something of value to bring to the table." Silence fell back over us, our eyes locked in a silent battle. I wasn't about to back down, and I knew he definitely wouldn't; he didn't seem like the type of man to back down from a fight.

I heard a light knock on the door, followed by the sound of it being opened, but my gaze never wavered. "Sir," I heard Amber say. "You brother is waiting for you." Death's eyes burned holes into me but I didn't dare look away. Angels and demons had had their fair share of trying to intimidate me and had failed, this guy wouldn't be the first to break me.

"Which one?" he growled, refusing to drop eye contact. There was a loud bang and I couldn't help but jump and subsequently look over my shoulder. Standing next to Amber was a man about the same height as Death, with dark skin and disheveled hair that fell back over his head and ended in little spikes. It reminded me of a character in some anime Neema tried getting me to watch.

"Brother," he exclaimed, a shit eating grin on his face. "Good to see you!" Death groaned and fell back into his seat.

"Strife," he muttered. Strife sauntered in, holding his arms out.

"I was in the neighborhood and thought I'd drop by just to say hi, maybe catch up."

"You live on the other side of town!" I looked between them, suddenly feeling awkward. Death dragged a hand down his face and stared at his brother, the bags under his eyes seeming to deepen. "What do you really want?" Strife clutched his heart and frowned.

"Why, big brother, what do you mean? Can't I just be here for a nice visit with my sibling?"

"No," he replied before Strife could even finish.

"Should I remove him from the premises, sir?" Amber asked, cracking her knuckles. Death and Strife stared at each other, Strife's eyes hidden behind a pair of dark sunglasses. The building tension in the room made me want to shiver, but instead I fell back into my seat just as Death answered,

"No, thank you, Amber. It'll be fine." She nodded and left, closing the door behind her, but not before casting me a curious glance. Strife continued over and pulled back a chair, sweeping my bag off of the seat without a care to ask me to move it. My purse hit the floor, contents spilling out all over. I sucked in a sharp breath and glared at the man as he plopped down, ignoring me completely.

"Nice manners, asshole," I muttered, scooting out of my seat to pick up my things. I grabbed the dumped items- gum, a pen, my wallet, and an empty candy bar wrapper- and tossed the items back into my bag. As I went to pick it up, a boot came down on the purse strap. I snapped my head up, scowling at him. He smirked and reached for his sunglasses, tipping them up slightly to reveal two intense yellow eyes. My breath hitched in my throat at the sight of them; absolutely beautiful.

"Do you know who I am, little girl?" he asked, his tone vaguely threatening. I frowned, yanking the purse strap out from under his boot.

"Yeah," I said, settling back into my seat. "You're the biggest asshole in the city; nice to finally meet you." He stared at me for a few seconds and I wondered if, perhaps, I should have kept my mouth shut. After all, this was the brother of the man I was trying to get to hire me, and he was pretty important himself. He let his glasses fall back over his eyes and, to my surprise, started to laugh. He tipped his head back as he snickered, his body shaking from the laughter. My frown deepened as I watched him; this was definitely not what I'd expected.

"Oh, Creator, that was good," he wheezed out after a few more moments of giggling. He looked to his brother. "Death, where did you find this one? Can I have her?"

"She's not mine," Death hissed, sitting back and rubbing his temples.

"Yes I am," I snapped. I wasn't about to leave here after waiting for an hour without a job.

"Really," Strife sang, turning his attention to me. He leaned on the arm of his chair, resting his chin on his fist as he regarded me. "So how long have you been banging my brother?" My eyes widened at his question. What? I wasn't- how did he think- "He never told me he had a lovely little human on his arm."

"Strife," Death growled, getting no reaction from his sibling other than a smirk.

"I'm not his like that!" I finally sputtered out. My face was warm and I could only imagine how red my cheeks were. "I just meant-"

"You're not mine in any way, shape, or form!" I shot a glare at Death, ready to enter another round of arguing with him, when Strife cut in.

"If he's not gonna give you a job, I'll happily take you in," he purred, a mischievous grin on his face. I rolled my eyes at his offer and sighed, shaking my head.

"You'll do no such thing," Death stated, narrowing his eyes at the other man. Strife's grin only grew and he turned to his brother.

"You're not the boss of either of us, big brother. I'd be more than welcome to take the little human in." The two stared at each other silently, the tension in the air only growing. I was sure one of them was going to throw the first punch at any minute. Suddenly, Death spoke.

"Amber!" In less than five seconds the blonde was at the door, her eyes trained on Strife like a guard dog waiting for her owner to give the command. "Please, escort Miss Banks out of my office. I need to speak to my brother, alone." I frowned, my hands curling into fists.

"What?" I spat, glaring at him. "No, we're not finished here!" He met my gaze and the air around me seemed to chill. I wanted to recoil, but I couldn't back down.

"Yes, I believe we are. I am sorry, Miss Banks, but you do not have the job." I stood quickly, nearly knocking back the chair, and slammed my hands down on the desk.

"No, I'm not leaving. You can't just-"

"Please come with me or else I'll have to use force," Amber said, appearing next to me. I disregarded her.

"I came here for a job and I'm not leaving until I get one, you pompous, stuck up ba-" Before I could finish tearing him a new one, Amber had my arm twisted behind my back and was pushing me to the exit, my bag in her hand. "Wait!"

"Have a nice day, Miss Banks," Death called as I was shoved out. I tossed a glance over my shoulder and I could've sworn I saw a smirk on his face. Son of a bitch. Amber didn't let go of me until I was in the elevator.

"I'm sorry the interview didn't go your way," she said, sounding and looking sincere. "Don't take what he said personally; he's is in a mood today. Something to do with his siblings, I'd assume." The anger seemes to drain out of me as she talked, not because I felt bad for the guy, but because the reality of what had just happened was settling in. I suddenly felt ashamed of myself; my actions weren't something I was entirely proud of. I'd never been so upset by an interview before. I'd had plenty of them, and had been turned down more times than I cared to admit, so why had I lost it at this one? Maybe it was the looming reminder of failure hanging over me. Whatever it was, it was inexcusable of me to behave like that. I almost felt like I owed Death an apology.

Almost.

"It's alright," I sighed, running a hand through my hair. I took my bag from her hand, my frown deepening. "I shouldn't have behaved like a crazy bitch. That probably didn't help my case." Amber cracked a small smile and nodded, stepping back. I hit the lobby button and leaned against the elevator wall. "It was nice meeting you, Amber."

"Same to you, Aziza," she replied as the elevator doors came to a close. I let my head fall back and sighed, closing my eyes as tears started to build.

What a fucking failure.

[seba-is-my-name]

@shadowywonder so for the post you tagged me in it was hard to look up questions then type the look up questions again lol so i will introduce you to the world on my own way lol so evreyone i will be talking about my sweet beautiful girlfriend that will be my wife one day the day i met her was the best day on my life i crushed on her very fast it was easy for her to steal my heart but wanted to wait to get to know her and i was scared she dont feel the same way about me so didnt told her right away so instead of telling her iam crushing we talked more and become best of friends evreytime i talked to her i fall deeper in love with her i always wanted to talk to her when she were busy at work i was sad bc missed her i used to sleep and let her text me the last massage without saying goodnight nope iam not rude lol i did that to make an excuse to talk to her the next day bc was shy to make a conversation with her and didnt wanted to bother her each day passed i felt more comfortable with her i felt i can be myself i showed her every side of me the good side the wild side lol smirk :) the bad side that do lost of mistakes i shared my dreams with her and all my future plans and now she become my future there no future without her so my love grows stronger each day for her that i couldn't hide it any longer i would explode with love for her so i told her the truth that i love her i had fear i become anxious and thought of deleting the massage bc was afraid of rejection i didn't wanted to lose her friendship i thought if i can't have her as a lover i can have her as a friend but omg she had the same feelings it took her a while to say it but happened and made me so happy like never before i still get butterflies when i remember first time she called me babe then i asked her to be my girlfriend and she said yes my girlfriend is most beautiful girl that have the most beautiful blue eyes she had her own sky inside them ❤ and she had most beautiful hair colored red and had the most beautiful smile her teeth are perfectly aligned when she giggles its like music to my ears its the cutest thing I Just love her smile so much that I can do every possible thing to keep her always smiling she is 5ft 4inches we both pretty short she a little bit taller than me would be sweet to kiss her lol but no need to stand on my toes to kiss her make it better lol she is breathtaking she also have amazing personality she is the whole package iam lucky and she have it all she is very brave she face her fears and make me proud of her she clever she learns quickly and teach me a lot i teach her how to say i love you in Hebrew and it was the cutest thing she friendly and easy going she make evreyone around her happy she is very funny i can be myself around her we always weird together hard working honest and kind adventures and extraordinary and thoughtful she make me wanna be a better person she my soulmate and my better half and she my everything i like talking about her because i love her so much so that made me come out to some pepole i trust she made me brave enough to do it and iam not afraid to let the whole world knows i love her love like ours should not be hidden some other facts i know about her that her fave colors pink or black or blue lol depend on her mood both of us fave fruit is watermelon she like puppies and cats and she have a cute dog named Charlie her birthday is close to mine she was born in 30/5/1997 (may) and she 3 years older than me she is 22 we both are Gemini even though i dont believe in astrology xd she is very talnted she knows how to write she ranked great on marathons and have medals also like hiking and going on adventures she is really great and iam proud of her i like calling her my angel bc she one so that was a small introduction about my girlfriend because i love her and love showing her off i will love you forever Hannah and going to marry you ❤