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8/18/25
also first day of orientation of pa school tomorrow eeek. excited and nervous but also not looking forward to the heat. wish me luck! probs won't journal as much anymore unless something is on my mind, I hope this shows a sign of growth and productivity.
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8/17/25
so much to update... lìfe has been maybe a little too amazing recently. But there has been some ups and downs. So for my first trip to NYC from LIC guy.. it was interesting to say the least. while i had a lot of fun on the trip, it was still lacking. I know we're nothing and we're fucking around but the least he could do is make an effort idk. but he did get me a table which was nice. I had fun in NYC with the girls and it was crazy going on a date with someone else, seeing a diff guy at the club the same night and coming home to him lmao.... anyways, DR was fun and very little drama which was nice. Now what was unexpected was my second trip to NYC lmao. This was unplanned but guess who offered to fly me out? Boston guy from a few years ago. he was definitely drunk when he texted me but when i said for him to fly me out, i didnt think he would double down on it. So i couldn't make it for his birthday but i went the weekend before i moved in. and honestly it was a lot of fun and turned out so much better than i thought. he took off work and spent the whole time with me. ig we both had a really good time considering we're both still texting and calling. and he wants to come to miami to see me next. idk the lovebomb is crazy, i think he's just caught up in the high of how we had a really good time. the distance is still really far... and i'll be busy with school. but we took couple pics and honestly some of those need to be burned.
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5/28/2025
LMAO wow so much to update, but breakaway was really fun. had a cool 2 man but he was too thirsty. I'm not rlly about gaining a new body so that was a no. NYC was fun but also i think too chill but i was rlly happy to everyone. Now edclv... what an adventure. First night we went to see illenium and we somehow ended up in a section and this guy hit on me LMAO. and then he paid for our uber back because he was staying at the same hotel hehe. And then guess who else texted me, mf jason (gatcha). i was like what you want, because he also texted me briefly while i was in nyc. Anywho he asked to meet up and i was a lil unsure but he was bringing me alc so I was like why not. And then i had rob drive me to pick up my ticket and boom he kissed me. I was like shook. but aye we secured the bag. then day 1 i met up with jason and tried to meet up with rob but it didnt work. Somehow i ended up seeing jason all 3 days and rob none. and day 3 when jason ravebaed me (well when he finally made a move) and he wev kissed. i joked about him flying me out and fast forward. Im going to nyc :D LMAOOOOO mf flying me out for like 5-6 days and upgraded my seat for who knows why. I dont mind hooking up ig bc its an old body and at least i know its good. but also why am i staying with him for so long LMAO. ig we'll see how this goes fr.
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3/30/25
they say when one door closes, another one will open. and i couldnt agree more. i surprisingly dont think about that last guy anymore really. not as much as i thought i would tbh. but liking my bikini pics still like.... i know you're justing liking posts while scrolling, so it doesn't mean much but still it is just a bit odd. im over that thought now though. i've been thing a lot about the word: watashiato. which is basically the curiosity of knowing how you affected other people's lives but knowing you will also never get to see those effects. i wonder if i have had an impact on anyone that i met that i know longer keep in contact with. life goes on so i don't think im a living thought but am i an important memory? or does the memory of me have any impact of who they are now or how they act? i can't help but be consumed by these thoughts and it probably is because i just want to mean something to someone. i want to be held dearly as a good or an important memory. even if they hated me, they'll still remember me. is that twisted?
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3/6/25
so long overdue update but i didnt have my laptop so thats why. lol so he ended things like on yesterday? or was it tuesday? idc anyways he ended things bc of you. and i know "you" is vague. but "you" as in who this was always about. he claimed he found out i was your ex and that he didn't want anything serious with a friend's ex. and if thats his honest reason then like did he actually see something serious with me? because it didnt show lol. but also if thats not the real reason then he's a pussy lol. like i know for knock2 post game i blacked out but like i wonder if thats why. like you got the ick and like didnt want me anymore. which i can respect but just say we arent as compatible. the reason being you just is so frustrating. you're haunting me and are like a lingering curse so many years later.... like i didn't even think it was relevant.
i know theres no point in wondering but like did people say it wasn't okay? like i doubt you would even care if he did date me. we both moved on so what does it matter? or this decision his own that he came to without the influence of others? I doubt it. he must have told a pi bro that he was talking to me and they must have said. regardless im exhausted to be linked to you. i wish those memories could just not exist. idk if i mean that but its suffocating being here. being labeled your ex instead of my own person.
i wish i could leave this state but moving to miami will be next best bet. theres no frat guys there and barely any asians. i just wont date until i leave. and honestly im glad i turned down orl and jax now. miami will be the breather i need. i hope.
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2/27/25
i know i like you, but i dont think we work well together, and thats why im okay with where we are at right now. i feel like you wanna explore and thats cool but thats not where im at right now. i will end this soon after our next date. i had fun and nothing against you but you cant give me the commitment nor do i think you want to so ig lets just have fun :)
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2/20/25
so like after, it felt like things were mostly normal except now idk if its me but like... you on dnd more now and i feel like its bc you with someone else. but like yesterday was your bday idk. i just think my attachment style not great rn and im having issues of whether or not i wanna block you and run away versus like see things thru until our date... which at this point who knows fr. i also feel like i have been drier for the past two days... thats why im tryna make it up but like idk the energy not the same bc of day. and like is it my fault? i feel like no. im sorry if i came off controlling but the lack of communication is crazy.... i think i will start talking to other guys again bc this shit not worth it fr rn. i feel like im rlly putting my pride aside rn for u....
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2/16/25
okay dip shit, not wishing me a happy valentines day is like so crazy ngl. like ik you did try to call me that day and after you calling me and i was drunk so i jusy blurted out how i felt. like ik it wasn't a comfortable convo for you but like you were pissing me off. and like the playlist you made for another girl. boy dont pmo.... idk like its so simple and yet you couldnt do that. i wanna take a step back from this again. I felt like evrything was okay but then this past weekend rlly not for me. and now im like why we setting up dates so far ahead. i feel like nothing about this is casual... like going to a concert together like tf
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2/12/25
soo since then i feel like it's improved. like it can be a bit rocky because there are times we just dont text for hrs on hrs. but i try to think you're just busy tbh which i know you are. you text me one night that you miss me while you're drunk. I think its cute hehe but how many other bitches you texting that too? like im not stupid lmao, usually people text the person they like the most that they miss them but who knows fr. theres no peep of us seeing each other next week...so i guess i'll see you at knock2 ish... because you just told me you'll be with another group. So you said you'll see at the pregame or after. and frankly i rather see you at neither but its your family's airbnb so ig i'll see at either one... funny bc isaiah is also going and the way i'll see him there instead of you... hahaha. can't help but laugh. you havent asked me to be your valentines, fine. but its a bit weird we plan one date a month. you bought tickets to a concert in april. and that is just so incredibly far lmao. and then you ask me to block out 3/15 for us and THEN ask for me to spend the night. how interesting... you know i have a 3 month rule so i rlly dont get what you're playing at...
i hope you come to realize your feelings and can convey them to me. because over 3 months theres just no point in us doing this unless we just casually dating. which is fine just say that. i'm not gonna act more than my part.
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2/2/25
so... thursday you just didn't text me the whole day even though everything was going rlly good. Then you text me at 12:40am like ew... with no explanation i guess. So I don't respond and the next day you double text and ask about the plans. so then i take a while to respond but i do respond with the address. You take awhile to respond and then get to my friends late... but honestly i wasnt upset about the lateness bc ik you're coming from work and you still have to get ready. it was probs the lack of communication. so i guess that kinda set the mood for the evening maybe? but when i came and got you, it felt fine. in a group setting everyone is pretty nonchalant and we all just chilling before we go. and evening walking together in a group and we have small convos but nothing crazy bc we're just tryna get to the venue. and inside i see so many ppl ik and i talk to the girlies. everything is fine and fun. since im pretty drunk I'm dancing with the girlies. and boom you pulled me to you so we dance together and honestly why did i eat that upppp. i loved that you pulled me to you and got butterflies tbh. I had fun dancing on you, throwing ass but also it was so hot in there. like we were drenched after. saw an old hoe after again and was like oop. then some random man was talking to me and walking with me and i was like trying to be polite until you started walking up and i asked you to save me.
the day after was fine... i took the chance to ask to get lunch and you said yes until sunday then you cancelled bc a meeting came up. which was fine, bc it worked out bc i got to see my siblings. and then you texted me asking if i got back safe after the meeting but i was sleeping lmaoo so then you called me. and honestly i really when you do that. and then you ask me to talk about what i like about you. i'm not sure if you think i dont like you or if you needed an ego boost. but i cant come off as a simp lol... i think theres a lot i like about you but is it too soon to describe them? it makes me hesitant because then it might make it seem like i like you more than you like me.
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1/28/25
i feel like i havent a mental/physical health update. I dropped to 129 lbs now. 4 more lbs till my goal. I feel a lot better about myself. It's not perfect but its getting there :) ive been feeling a lot better about myself. The gym does work T_T unfortunately ive been enjoying it more too. And overall i need to focus on my career. But also after reflecting on my old post, i've grown so much i'm proud of how far i've come, physically and mentally. gotta keep going!!
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1/28/25
hmm ive been having bad dreams... is this a bad omen before the lunar new year? I think im starting to feel some type of way since rn you left me on read lmao... ik it shouldn't be a big deal so i should chill out. but now you're going to come to the pregame and so is our mutual friend... and you seemed a lil aggy about that. but you say you still want to spend time with me and then act like this. idkkkkkk too many emotions. i just wanted something easy but i didnt realize when i say like something organic it would mean this. This is why i prefer someone with no mutuals. I mean this mutual but its a bit more distant.
i think about how he drunk called me and i thought it was cute. the conversation was sweet and i miss that...
but yeah its weird for me to be so upset over being left on read. i need to get over it already. gotta start distancing myself. i don't think he likes me like that. i gotta take a step back, this is just for fun, no real feelings.
usually i talk to other people to get my mind off this person but i think i need another outlet. i dont wanna use someone else to get over this person. I'll just use my mental strength and hobbies :)
update: this was like 30 min later... he called me i was being over dramatic fr. he told me he was waiting on me to call him T_T i was debating on calling him ughhhhhhhh hate myself
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1/26/25
So we ended up moving up the date to like 1/17 i forgot what day exactly but honestly for the first date it went really well. This might be a longer post because I need to journal all my emotions out right now.
But leading up to the first date, I feel like it was whatever like we get along well but I think the first date was obviously the make or break for us because why continue if there was no irl chemistry. So for the first date, he was like 45 min late, can't say i wasn't pissed lmao.... But I was already in Tampa so theres no point of me turning around and going home so I just waited until he came to pick me up.
The date was a surprise date which def had me anxious and nervous but it ended up being a hockey game and honestly i really liked that. I wanted something chill for that night. He paid for everything obviously and then took me to this bar that ive always wanted to go to. While we were waiting we just talked for a bit, and he said he had something for me from nyc. He said he was thinking about me when he got it, it was a mf RING. i dont think its per say expensive at all but like who gets that lmao.... and then the rest of the date goes smoothly. The tab for dinner was lowkey kinda expensive.. like $120 and then after he took me to this boardwalk to talk more because he didn't want the date to end yet. And after that we went back to alexis's apartment and we sat in the car for 2 more hours talking. It felt so natural and fun. Sure there were some small awkward moments but I think any date feels like that. We didn't kiss or anything but that was refreshing tbh.
Our talks really talked about our past a lil bit and also what we're looking for in the future. And I think we came to an understanding that we both dont do short flings (well now i dont lol) but ik he's not exactly ready for a relationship. And i get that, when nate and i broke up, I couldn't even fathom another relationship. But I just want something exclusive and like casually date. But he said he dates to marry so im like errr what is this. But ik we just getting to know each other right now so im not tryna get ahead.
And the day after he called me and ft'ed me. And since then he's called me occasionally but we text everyday. and now we're gonna see each other at isoxo. He also asked me about going to nyc with him in april lmaooo or mexico. He also knows i have a 3 month rule so march i would like us to date but who knows. He's told me that he hasn't told anyone about me which is fine, I didn't expect him but isoxo you want me to be flirty and all over you in front of our friends? hmmm i guess we'll see how it goes.
Also we do wanna see each other again but we're both pretty busy so he suggested 2 days after his bday. And I'm like damnnn thats kinda intimiate but I'm down. But also like not asking me to be your valentines... lol I know its not that deep but that would be really cute sighhh.
If all goes well then I'll see him at knock2 again but also isaiah gonna be there but oh well iggggg
He says he misses me and wants to see me. I do miss him and I do wanna see him again. And I have interest in him fs. But its too early to say I like him or like like him at all. I said he wasn't my bf and he said "yet" like....
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1/8/25
oh wow its 2025 already... and ive never been more ready tbh. but i cant believe another year has passed by. i start PA school this fall.. and for new years in Miami i had a lot of fun tbh. Hanging out with the girlies and trying new places. Atlanta was also fun tbh, it was fun that we got to do what we wanted to do without other people forcing us. New years eve/new years day was interesting to say the least.... like every stage i got hit on and then it was lowkey scary. but also why did this guy swipe up on dakota's story about me. and then forget we've already met. like sir we saw each other twice now in passing. but like now we texting and he asked me out on a date on 1/25 omfg.....
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12/3/24
after going to conner and vi's wedding, i realize how beautiful love is and how i hope to have a wedding of my own one day. BUT that doesn't seem close tbh. though i think i move on and have resolved a lil, i end up regressing.
i think i keep trying find you in everyone i meet. and i dont compare them to you per say. its more like im chasing that butterfly like feeling of being in love again.
i think i wanna be alone.
niki - chilly
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11/13/2024
sooo edco just finished and I feel good. idk how i survived going to work literally the next day after driving back sunday night but yeah. kinda crazy bc i had like 3 rave baes and saw isaiah twice. like why chef hit me up and it was kinda crazy ngl... i was like O.o and met another cute viet guy. I also met a cute indian guy but yea. But no shoulder ride sigh... but also sad bc i wanted to stay in orlando longer. its been a fun and interesting time. now i need to save up for the wedding which i still need to pay for hotel for sighhh. And then i will need to book a flight for edclv and pay for hotel later. Not to mention I finally got my tooth extracted so I've been paying that off monthly. So much money to spend. I got an interview with this one job but I can't start a new job rn it's so hectic ugh.... I just don't wanna lose money so i'm limiting myself to a one event a month to save up money to pay for everything.
Upcoming events:
Wedding in Sarasota
NYE - MIAMI
ISOXO - ORL
Vietnam?
BDAY in NYC
EDCLV
and thats not including knock2 when he comes and breakaway if I go for one day.... lord
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10/30/24
so rob is in jail... so i got no one at edco to see haha but thats fine for me. I'm just chilling i guess. we still text and call from jail so it's a bit interesting. i feel good that im not talking to anyone right now tbh. oh and i did tell them that it wasnt probs gonna work out. its just a lot for me when we havent even met yet yanno.
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