#but I love how that whole part with the pen is a metaphor for her dad’s complete disregard of the damage he may cause to his daughter

[justafewberries]

do you think there is significance to the shades of orange shown throughout sotr? I noticed specifically the "burnt orange furnishings" of the tribute apartment and the "bright orange" paint on Lenore Dove's fingernails. I wrote off the apartment furniture as an example of bad taste on the Capitol's part, but Lenore Dove's bright orange immediately brought Peeta to mind — mainly because of the whole "sunrise on the reaping" conjecture that Lenore Dove has, in contrast to Peeta's "soft orange like the sunset." I haven't fully connected those dots for myself so curious what you think about Suzanne Collins' use of orange (and other colors) as symbolism in sotr

Orange as we know it in THG is Peeta's color for sure, so it definitely coalesces with the love interest liking orange parallel, but there are a few interesting through lines of orange here:

For Lenore Dove, notice where she is orange:

Her in a faded green dress, an ivory ribbon tying back her hair, lips tinted orange.

Orange paint on her fingernails.

Lenore Dove uses both her hands and her voice in her rebellion. She sings and plays the accordion, but she also speaks of her rebellious thought and paints the text on the walls with orange paint, using her hands. In the end, both words (propos & Peeta) and hands (combat, handy with a knife/weapons, boots on the ground, etc.) are what help to take down the Capitol and bring the sunset on the reaping. (Side note, there's a subtle implication from the line "I’m staring at a message sprayed in bright orange paint." that implies she is painting her nails with spray paint. do with that info what you will. i guess.)

I do believe the interpretation of orange being associated with sunset is the right idea. Especially in light of:

Through the trees, the sunset glows golden, then the orange of burning coal, before fading out, leaving me in darkness.

The sunset burns orange like coal. Couple that with the fact Lenore Dove painted the flint striker orange, you've got yourself a metaphor for the beginning of the flame:

I look down at the necklace in confusion. There’s orange on some of the feathers. She was probably just helping Tam Amber. Or maybe she tried painting them to match her lipstick.

Interestingly there's only orange on some of the feathers, not all of them, and none mentioned on the snake side. If could be another ode to the importance of speaking up, like how Lenore Dove says she wants to be like the raven in the tree because it can speak its mind. The orange on the songbird on the flint striker, like the songbird in the tree, highlights the importance of discussion and vocalization.

As for the apartment, there likely is symbolism in how it's "burnt", not "burning" and how he returns in burnt orange blankets after the Games:

Fresh confusion as I surface in a nest of burnt orange.

After the Games, Haymitch is certain it's all done for. But orange as we know, is a common color in the sunrise too. While the apartment is where he begins to fester on how things will never change, hence the burnt shade of orange, we know the coal will burn again in that soft orange decades later.

Another thing orange does is date the apartment in a 1970's style. Burnt orange was one of The Colors in that decade. If you want a reference for the apartment, just look up 70's orange apartments. im sure you could find one with the animal statues, too.

Another honorable mention of orange is the ropes of the reaping pens:

Two pens, one for the girls and one for the boys, have been clearly marked out with orange ropes.

Generally, Haymitch's time in the Capitol/Games all starts and ends with orange. Sunrise to sunset.

[lavender-twilight23]

HELLA UNPOPULAR X-MEN OPINION THAT I KNOW THE VAST MAJORITY OF PEOPLE WILL DISAGREE WITH BUT WHO CARES I WANNA TALK ABOUT IT ANYWAY:

I like X-Men: Dark Phoenix.

OKAY OKAY THERE I SAID IT DON’T SMITE ME WITH FIRE HEAR ME OUT–

X-Men: Dark Phoenix is definitely the weakest of the prequel trilogy, and definitely one of the weaker X-Men movies ever, if not THE weakest. It does A LOT of things wrong.

THAT BEING SAID.

I still enjoy it. If I put it on, I will enjoy it. Do I think it struggles in certain areas? Oh, hell yes. But there are highs and lows. The lows are very, VERY low, but the highs are quite high, and I think they deserve some attention.

But I do want to talk about some of the moments in X-Men: Dark Phoenix that I genuinely like, because so many people hate on this movie, which I completely understand, but I do think it has moments/scenes that make it redeemable, and I want to bring attention to the parts that I genuinely like, no matter how controversial the movie itself is.

Dark Phoenix is hated on by so many, so sometimes, I feel like I forget that there are moments of this movie that shine, and I want to brush off the dust on a film that has been buried by the scrutiny of so many and I want to list the reasons why I like it.

I’ve seen it mentioned before somewhere on the internet that the prequel series should’ve ended with X-Men: Apocalypse. Should it have? Maybe. But Dark Phoenix is a movie that exists, and there are certain moments/scenes that I’m glad we got, that we got ONLY because this movie exists.

Again, I know this movie has flaws. GIANT flaws. It struggles and falls flat in SO many areas, and I do see that, but I think that sometimes, even in movies that are looked down as being really really bad…sometimes their good moments get shoved under the rug.

Anyways, with all that being said, written in chronological order, here are The High Points In X-Men: Dark Phoenix!

This post (more like essay) ended up being long as shit so I put this thing here 😆

- The flashback of Charles meeting Jean

I think this scene honestly is adorable, not only because we see the beginning of a father/daughter relationship in blossom, but we get Charles in his Apocalypse era (long hair???) and then also we get to see how he approaches kids with trauma related to their powers and it reminds us WHY he’s doing what he’s doing in the first place, WHY he’s in this business to begin with. This is what he’s wanted to do forever. And to watch/listen to him in this scene, he uses specific language and acts in a certain way because he KNOWS he’s talking to a child, a child that has just been through a trauma. Yes, we see Charles lie about her parents’ deaths, which I’ll get to later, but speaking to Charles taking to child Jean– he says things like “yep,” “amazing,” “really cool,” things that he doesn’t normally say. He’s trying to relate to her and going down to her level to try and seem approachable, I think.

A little detail that I noticed the other day that I love that isn’t called attention to at all and is kind of in the background is that when Charles approaches Jean to give her the pen, he wheels forward, and out of frame, he locks his wheelchair in place. It’s such a tiny, subtle detail that’s easy to miss, but for some reason it just makes me really happy.

The pen metaphor is really nice and gets Jean to let her walls down and genuinely listen to him. Charles is incredibly gentle with her.

This is the beginning of a beautiful father/daughter relationship that we see so little of.

And one last thing about this scene– well, it’s less about this scene and more about their relationship as a whole. Assuming that Jean is nine or ten, maybe eleven here, and to know that Jean is in her early 20s in the present-day Dark Phoenix storyline, Charles has been by her side, raising her, nurturing her for HALF OF HER LIFE. Picturing that, even though it’s never explicitly said, I think they very much would’ve become pretty much father and daughter in that way, Jean needing that from Charles, and Charles maybe seeing something in Jean and getting closer with her than any of the other students, in a much deeper way than just having similar powers. They are so close, and I would’ve loved to see more of that.

- “You think can fix me too.”

- “No. No, because you are not broken.”

This exchange is beautiful. Okay, yes, I know that Charles is still technically keeping up that lie that both her parents are dead, but I’ll dive deeper into that later. I think that Charles genuinely believes what he says. And even later on, when he’s seen as the ‘villain,’ I think he’s always thought that Jean wasn’t broken. His entire job is taking in mutant children and nurturing them, caring for them in a way that maybe their parents or families didn’t, or are not willing to due to their mutant gifts. Anyways, I think this shows a lot about Charles and the gentle touch that he has, emotionally, in order to connect with his students, many of which probably have been in similar situations as Jean.

- THIS SHOT. Interstellar vibes??

- Charles checking up on Jean after the space mission 🥹

- Jean’s Phoenix eyes and the glowing cracks in her face are actually really cool, like she’s a volcano with lava hidden under the cracks. I think it’s a really cool visual.

- After Jean has the blast of power in the party, Charles IMMEDIATELY senses it and leaves his event.

- The way the Cerebro projection looks in this movie I find VERY cool and visually stunning, like the memories are writhing in smoke. It’s a super cool visual.

- When Scott is trying to get Jean not to leave and Jean touches the side of his head, she hesitates and pulls her hand away just slightly, as if she’s afraid to touch him for fear of hurting him again. The details kill me.

- When Hank is yelling at Charles, Charles doesn’t answer and he reaches for the alcohol to get himself another drink.

Despite the fact that I don’t really like the scene (and despite the fact that there’s a continuity error with which arm is being outstretched lol), despite all that, I like that THAT detail is consistent with what we saw from him in Days of Future Past, in which he would use alcohol, among other things, to dull the pain of his reality. When Hank is yelling at him, his immediate response is to avoid the conversation and to go to alcohol, which is what Charles did with the serum and alcohol multiple times in Days of Future Past, and it’s implied that he did that many, many times throughout the decade that we don’t see leading up to DOFP.

- Another thing– addressing Charles and his mistake with Jean and his lie, I plan to do a large post, a character analysis/study, if you will, of this in the future, but my biggest X-Men headcanon that’s only a headcanon because it’s not explicitly said but I 100% think it’s true is that Charles has a VERY strong savior complex that is consistent throughout the entirety of the prequels. Again, I’m gonna do a whole post outlining his savior complex, the moment that it started, and every moment in which he falls prey to it, but what he does regarding Jean and her parents’ fates lines up with that. So even though I don’t like how the movie treats Charles in relation to his mistake, his choice to lie to her to protect her is very consistent with what we’ve seen of his character up until this point, so despite the treatment of his mistake in the movie, the fact that he kept up that lie to ‘save her’ is very in-character for him based on what we’ve seen from him in the past.

- Erik. ERIK. JUST ERIK.

Okay, more about Erik: The whole scene with Jean and Erik in which Jean asks Erik about how to stop hurting people reveals a lot about Erik as a character. We get a lot of his backstory and trauma summed up in Erik’s own words, and we see his growth as a character, both how he’s changed AND how he’s stayed the same, with how he gets aggressive and confrontational with her later. His anger and pain is still in there, but he’s found peace, or at least some form of comfort/stability in his life here in Genosha. Another reason why I like Erik’s explanation of his trauma and his past is that I explored that a bit in a bigger fanfiction of mine, and then I rewatched this scene a bit later after finishing the fic, and realized that what I had Erik do/think in my fanfiction was, at certain points, almost word for word what Erik says in this scene, so it was just very affirming to hear Erik in canon saying what I essentially lay out in my fanfiction. It was just nice to see that my portrayal of him in my fanfiction lined up so perfectly with canon. Anyways, moving on:

- Erik donning the helmet from First Class that he apparently kept throughout all these years!

- Scott’s F bomb! 🤣

- In the train when they’re being taken to the containment center, I find it HILARIOUS that they chained up Charles’ legs. Liiiiike what, do they think he’s gonna just stand up and WALK out?? 🤣

- Hanz Zimmer’s score???? Okay, uhhh, YES??? Despite the fact that I’m biased for Henry Jackman’s score from First Class, Hanz Zimmer always has my respect.

- The seamless transition from Hank’s human form into his beast form!

- Okay okay, THE TRAIN FIGHT SEQUENCE?? YES??? We get everybody working together, Hank going ACTUAL beast mode, Erik being an absolute BadAss MotherFucker and fighting with his powers, using it so creatively, stabbing metal bars into people, crushing the train like a BADASS, then turning around and tossing it so nonchalantly behind him??? Kurt being ruthless for once?

- Before the Paris Proposal, before Erik even shows up on screen, Charles senses him and his expression is like “wait are you fucking serious– THIS GUY??? What is ERIK doing here????”

- Erik leaning forward, staring into the distance, then, “A long time ago, you saved my life. Then you offered me a home. I’d like to do the same for you.” 🥹 I’M FUCKING TEARING UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE LIBRARY AT MY COLLEGE, FUCKING HELL, I LOVE THESE TWO

- And I just realized that Erik pulled the two chess pieces out from his pockets, not from inside the chess board, which means that he’d prepared to play with him before he even sat down and before he asked Charles if he even WANTED to play. He had both the game pieces ready, one in each of his pockets. 🥹

- THEIR LOOKS???? GAZING INTO EACH OTHER’S EYES???? THE WAY ERIK LOOKS AT HIM????? That is not the look of a straight man. These guys are in LOVE. Also, Erik literally asks him to move in with him. THAT. 👏🏻 IS. 👏🏻 NOT. 👏🏻 IMPLIED. 👏🏻 “Then you offered me a home, I’d like to do the same for you.” UHHH OKAY, ERIK, YOU MAY AS WELL HAVE JUST WRITTEN THAT ON AN INVITATION CARD.

~~~

Anyways, so there we go. Those are what I think are the high points in X-Men: Dark Phoenix, and I will say that if I were to put this movie on in the middle of a Saturday afternoon, I would stay and watch the whole thing! Despite its glaring flaws, I think it is enjoyable and I personally enjoy watching it, even if just for the high points I mentioned.

I may or may not have spent upwards of 3 hours on this post, writing it in the Notes app, making the GIFs, then converting the ones that were too big of files. Really short posts? Huh? What are they?? 🤣 Nah, if I’m doing a long analysis/study post, you bet I’m writing like a fking essay or some shit 😜

If you’ve made it to the end, thank you thank you! I don’t really like doing really small posts myself, so most of my posts will be either medium length, long, or very long, typically being scene analyses, character analyses, mentioning a detail or talking about a headcanon I have. But this is probably my longest post yet? But the post I’ll write about Charles’ savior complex sometime soon will probably rival this one. But anyways, that’s that! If anybody wants to chat more about my X-Men opinions or head canons or any fun shit like that, you can comment on this post or use the Ask feature on my profile. 🤷🏻‍♀️

But that’s that! Til next time y’all :)

Gifs made by me in Canva :)

[waltricia]

More Hawkins/Innovations Ball Observations 🔭🎈🧭

+ A Color Theory

I know I’ve already made several posts about this ball, but I have more observations, so I’m going to compile everything here. For the stuff I’ve already made detailed posts about, I’ll just give brief descriptions.

1. Yellow. There’s so much of it here, and in the episode as a whole. Ahead of the part 1 release, I had been thinking a lot about how the color red would be used to signify Colin’s growing love- and it is, particularly in 3x04 (I’ll come back to that)- but in this episode, yellow is used more so, which is even better because it signifies how much Pen, specifically, is haunting Colin (in the romantic way obviously lol). At Stowell House, earlier in the episode, the walls are a very obvious singular yellow tone, and Colin wears a yellow waistcoat. Here at the Innovations Ball, there are a ton of different shades of yellow on the walls, props/furnishings, costumes, and in the lighting.

Also note the blue elements.

AND green!

(I love Marcus repping all the Polin colors. That bodes well.)

So, yeah, lots of Polin-coding, but also, like I said, I have a particular theory about color, which I will return to at the end of this post.

2. Colin’s entrance into the ballroom mirrors the infamously unfortunate Beauty and the Beast scene from 2x04. Both scenes have our leads stopped on staircases in front of grandfather clocks (another surprisingly significant motif of the season). I love the comparison of her being lonely because she’s left alone by him in that moment- and by everyone else as usual- to now him being lonely, despite being surrounded by admirers, because he’s being left alone by the one person who truly knows him and would make that difference for him.

3. I think everyone already knows about this parallel by now, but I have to note it because it’s so in line with my other observations- when Colin says his “it is possible to do anything” line, that scene mirrors the “assuredly, fervently, loudly” scene from 1x08. Pen and Colin are both inspiring each other, encouraging each other to be honest about their feelings.

And I feel like that’s not the only moment where the scenes are mirrored. In 1x08, when Colin sees Pen, the crowd parts so he has (and we have) the full view of her, and he makes his way over to her from the center of the floor to the edge. In 3x03, after Colin almost reveals his feelings (similar to how Pen almost revealed her feelings in 1x08), Pen leaves him at the edge of the floor to go to the center with Debling. And the crowd, which had been parted- giving us a view of Colin behind Pen- now rushes in to block that view.

4. Double meanings. They’re everywhere.

a) Again, the “it is possible to do anything” line. He’s delivering it to the admiring debutantes, but we know he’s really speaking to Pen. He’s really talking to her about his feelings for her. Of course, Pen thinks he’s talking to her about Debling. The hits just keep on coming for Colin in this episode.

b) In another interesting turn of events, considering she’s Whistledown and so much of what she’s said and done in the past seasons has been layered with hidden meanings, Pen goes and speaks the plain singular truth about herself and her intentions to Debling (obviously barring the fact that she’s Whistledown). Of course this is very in line with one of her main journeys for the season, which is to accept and reveal herself.

c) Colin attempts to hide the true meaning of his words to Violet when he asks her about love and friendship. Of course, he’s just so god damn transparent, bless his heart. And Violet, very sweetly, goes along with it.

And btw, after she leaves Colin to let him go approach Pen, she watches them the whole time. 💜

d) Unserious but relevant:

Not only are they literally and metaphorically sick, this pregnancy subplot also fits with the whole theme of nature.

e) The Whistledown narration. As per usual, it applies to multiple characters and their storylines. I’m obsessed with how it’s so intentionally layered onto the shots. The sequence is so incredible and so involved. I’m linking the post I made about it here in case anyone hasn’t seen it yet and is curious about what I mean.

5. I could be totally off about this one, but it looks to me like Miss Malhotra’s hair clip is designed like a compass. If it is, that would make sense because it would be on theme for the ball. But what I particularly love about the idea is that it’s also relevant to Polin. Hardcore Polin fans like to say that Pen is Colin’s compass.

6. At the end of this episode, as Colin has officially fallen in love with Pen, we see the beginning of the next episode’s theme color, red.

Which brings me to my final observation, my color theory.

I’ve said this before and I will continue to say it every time I have an insane prediction or theory: I am probably very wrong. But I’ll say it anyway…

It seems to me that each episode has a different signature color. I think 3x02 is green because Pen and Colin are starting to grow and bloom.

3x03 is yellow because, again, Pen is haunting Colin.

3x04 is red because they’re lovesick for each other.

And 3x01 is everything. It’s an explosion of color.

I think that, in many ways, 3x01 is meant to be a preview of the upcoming episodes, highlighting all of the colors. I mean, wouldn’t the presence of a “Four Seasons” ball indicate that everything is there? Everything that you would see in a year? (Or a full season of Bridgerton?) I think it probably tells us which colors will define the part 2 episodes as well, but I won’t venture to guess.

In speaking about Colin’s garden party waistcoat, the associate costume designer, Dougie Hawkes, said that it has hints about future episodes.

I have to wonder if this color thing has something to do with that. I’m also pretty sure that all of the other waistcoats Colin wears in 3x01 are ones he wears again more obviously in the other part 1 episodes. This seems to indicate, for one thing, that the garden party waistcoat is indeed special, but also that there is so much hiding in plain sight in episode 1 that will come back throughout the season. In other words, there’s probably a lot of stuff in part 2 that’s already been hinted at in 3x01…

But I dunno, I’m probably wrong about this.

Anyway, that’s all for now! ✌️

[letgomaggie]

All my bridgerton thoughts, compressed:

1. The true love story is definitely Penelope and Eloise. No matter how hard they try, they cannot pivot away from the fact that friendship is the heart of this season. Be it between Penelope and Eloise, or Eloise and Cressida, or Penelope and Colin: it is that which drives this particular season.

2. To add to the above point: Colin may be Penelope's love interest, but it is Eloise who understands her. Eloise asks if Penelope seems despondent or sad - not just a simple is she okay but instead here are things she could be, which one is it? She knows her friend, no matter what. And Colin, for all that he is, does not find it all too startling that Penelope is suddenly looking for marriage. Eloise does. If Colin's eyes follow Pen across the ballroom, so do Eloise's.

3. Eloise has someone to talk to about the effect her friendship breakup is taking on her. Penelope has no one. I find Nicola to be an increasingly fantastic actor because she holds this tension so very well throughout the whole of Part 1. When Eloise comes to visit her, you see why she asked Colin what Penelope was feeling. Because Penelope is feeling that, has been feeling that ever since. Its so raw and on her face for the world to see but only one person ever looked and understood and read her like a book.

4. The two fingers while fixing her dress? Gag me god gag me

5. I have not seen the point of the Mondrich plot until this season which is where they are really using it to root the show to reality. There are conversations to be had that the society simply does not want to and Mondriches are the embodiment of it. Constantly knocking at society's door and making themselves be heard and fighting for a seat at the table but unwilling to compromise on what feels good and right. It's subtle and ita frustrating and I like that it's getting to people. You're going to get annoyed enough that the looking glass metaphor will play out in real life for you.

6. I see how unhinged Colin is being about Penelope and while I love that for her, I also get how fucked up her situation is rn. She does need stability. She has found her purpose. And I want her to be selfish in protecting that bit of herself. Instead of what she has been doing. She tried with Debling and yes, it was vexing to see how she ran after him but. I get it too? It's not always roses and camomiles. Cressida is the foil to this same narrative. The Bridgertons are foolishly romantic but that is just them. The show is through their lens but we can take a step back and see it for it is as well. I found Debling to be perfect and his reasons for ending everything were as well. If a little crassly done. Colin proposing to Penelope and falling headfirst in love just as she starts looking out for herself? My heart still needs to be sold on this idea, no matter how hot and sexy everything is.

7. The hair grab oh. Colin Bridgerton you slut. You whore. Colin Bridgerton would like to be pegged I promise. These two will actually be the couple who try out shit in the bedroom out of intrigue and discover a hidden kink. Colin finding the answer to his pent up ruminations when Penelope drags her hand tenderly through his hair vs Penelope close to tears because it is a dream come true and how many times has she imagined this and now its happening and its all that and more? Fucking yes

8. The diaries intrigue me. I shit you not I started this season with the firm belief that Colin had in fact NOT travelled lasts season because he was being all quiet about it. End of Ep 1 and I am now convinced he only really wants to talk if people listen and the only one who ever listened was Pen and if she's not there to hear him what is the point of speaking? He functions on 0 braincells because like. He has all the facts he's just not looking at them.

9. Someone talked of how they want to know more about Colin because he's been coming off as 2D and I agree. This is being told more from Penelope's view than Colin's and that is skewing the narrative a bit. I need more than 'pirate fashion-current rake-newly minted fuckboy' from him.

10. I like the yellow bedsheet.

11. The opening with the pining looks from Pen towards Eloise really set the mood and I'm so glad for it. For that matter I feel like Colin's apology for the comment last season was rushed and half hearted and I understand the hot and heavy vibes but they are friends first and that is the heart of the season and so much, so fucking much is left unresolved and I need them to have a couple of heated conversations PLEASE. express emotions fr!!! Beyond breathing hard!!

[calciumdeficientt]

could you do hcs for Peanut Romano?? he's my favorite ofc

Peaaaaaaaanutttttt ought I’m now realising there’s none of these characters i couldn’t talk about for literal hours

PEANUT ROMANO HEADCANONS

Peanut very clearly has little man syndrome, he openly muses about being accused of having a napoleon complex. I think this stems from his childhood, sad asfuck but i think he became man of the house pretty early in his life, his dad was a big sack of shit who was nasty his mum and left early. He takes care of his mother and general household stuff and balances school with it too. He’s a pretty valiant little dude to be honest

Ironically i think he’s allergic to peanuts, not like deathly, but they make him all puffy and sniffly and generally gross, so he keeps an epi-pen tucked into his jacket in case of emergencies

He takes good care of his hair, its a source of his confidence, what he lacks in height in the body department he makes up for for in hair height. He touches up with pomade in the bathrooms pretty regularly and does his best to keep it looking nice and clean and tidy

He really looks up to Johnny as a paternal figure but its so difficult because he is so clearly pining for johnny to be his lover. It’s absolutely not that’s her hates Lola, he loves Lola too but johnny was definitely his first and strongest love, so it absolutely wrecks him to see johnny so torn up about a girl who doesnt know what she wants when peanut is right there, waiting, with his mind fully made up

He likes vintage cars, and has a little pot of money in his dorm to hopefully buy a car with one day. There’s a dude in old bullworth vale with a pretty nice hot rod that he’s had his eye on since he was a sophomore and as luck would have it, its not yet been sold. He frequently rides his bike through the neighbourhood just to check its still there, and to check if its been marked down and he can get his hands on it

Had a huge, gross crush on Marlon Brando as a kid. It started when his grandma had a streetcar named desire playing on her TV when he was sleeping over in grade school (while his parents sorted out their belongings and prepared to split) and it played a considerable role in his decision making to join the greaser clique. Not that he can be blamed, Marlon Brando is so fucking dreamy it should be illegal

Very nervous tagger, his hands get all sweaty when he’s nervous and nine times out of ten he messes up the slogan for fear of getting caught. Needless to say he’s relieved when he sees the police or school faculty washing them away when he’s done

Peanut is super embarrassed about his voice, along with his small sature he’s absolutely terrified that people wont find him intimidating wand will pick on him. If you go on a school computer after he’s had his turn you’ll find article after article of advice on how to deepen your voice, silly kitty.

His voice anxiety is part of the reason he smokes, he hopes if he keeps it up it might make him sound a little more rough around the edges, and a little less… girlish.

Peanut loves to dance, he actually considered taking classes for a while and maybe trying out some competitions. He bailed out when the whole Johnny and Lola fiasco kicked off for the first time, he just didn’t have the heart to leave johnny so defenseless and bordering on a nervous breakdown. He had to don the metaphorical johnny jacket and take charge while their clique leader was in the fetal position in the corner. The least he could do was hang around and wipe the tears off johnny’s pretty pretty face.

[veryace-ficrecs]

Trent/Ted Lasso fic recs part 2

This list will include all ratings and tags, so read at your own discretion! :)

part 1 here

some small comfort by trentcrimminallybeautiful (biDEMONium) - Rated T

Trent finds Ted having a panic attack in the coaches' office. 

Curious & Judgmental by r_n_g_are_dead - Rated T

When he was ten and three-quarters-years-old, Ted Lasso’s parents left him at the Allen-Bradley Clock Tower for 3 hours and 42 minutes. Well, more like the park across the street. While there, he met a young British boy. Ted gave him a football trading card. The British boy gave him a pen.

Time was infinite. Time with people in your life was not. But sometimes you got more time with them than you ever expected.

what do dogs dream about? by trans_chickens - Rated T

She nestles into her pillows and is just about to close her eyes when she suddenly seems to remember something else. She sits up straight again, blinking at Trent. “He was silly I think, when he said a thing about you.”  Trent, who was this close to feeling triumph over a toddler brought to sleep with no incidents or hiccups, suddenly feels like he’s losing a battle. “What… did he say about me, love?” he asks, mouth dry. Maybe he doesn’t want the answer. He wasn’t even gone that long for the ice cream, how could Ted and Olive have fit in a whole conversation about dog dreams and also talk about Trent behind his back? It’s not fair. It doesn’t make sense. He’d think Olive was making it up if it wasn’t for her sincere expression. That and the fact that Trent suspects his daughter hasn’t figured out the concept of lying yet. He dreads the day she’ll get there, and hopes he still has tons of time until then. He almost wants to believe that time is now when he hears the next words out of Olive’s mouth. “He said you’re pretty.”

recipe for happiness (in khabarovsk or anyplace) by prewars - Not Rated

Series: 7 Works

Ted does what he does best: talk. Trent listens.

I Told You I Would Stay by hippiecommune - Rated G

Coach Ted Lasso from America, the man whose incurable optimism and seemingly infinite supply of well-wishes had somehow wrangled a good opinion out of quite literally everyone he’d ever met, was giving up. He was going home. Trent was here to ask questions about relegation and Ted was here to announce formally that he was resigning. Trent knew this because Ted had left a message three hours ago giving him a heads-up.

the funny thing about coincidences by mmummydust - Rated T

MrBlueSky: What are you working on tonight? Or thinking about on your walk? starman72: Coincidences, coincidentally. MrBlueSky: :) What about them? starman72: Nothing in particular. Just thinking. I’ve had a lot of them occur lately. Just a bit funny how things work out sometimes. --- Ted Lasso has been talking to someone on Bantr. Trent Crimm has also been talking to someone on Bantr. Turns out, they're both using it as a fairly poor distraction for their feelings. This doesn't turn out to be as big of an issue as it seems. Or - Ted and Trent are both incredibly, helplessly oblivious.

the courage to put on the cape by clementines_and_colourful_things - Not Rated

Trent Crimm, The Daily Planet. — A Ted Lasso Superman AU inspired by a Tumblr post by matttheratking. Thank you for violently (and metaphorically) shaking me by the shoulders.

things we are too young to know by andaskwhynot - Rated M

The other man stops talking, looks straight at him. And Trent was wrong, the look he had fixed on him earlier was not a smile, not really. Because now he is smiling at him, and it is nothing short of a beam, bright and open, and there are dimples, and even though the other man has a face that is more narrow than not, all Trent can think of as he looks at him is ‘corn fed’. Trent does a year abroad in the states, gets assigned a football player as a roommate and has his life turned upside down. It's all horribly cliched, until it isn't.

Words are very unnecessary (but they brought me to you) by blueberrywizard - Rated T

“At 4:44 in the morning the smell of coffee, like every other day, woke Trent up. At 4:45 kitchen radio started to play quietly in the background and Trent could, just like yesterday, recognise the sounds of Enjoy The Silence, which he thought was a little bit of a strange coincidence, but well. Stranger things had happened. At 4:50 he was at the kitchen table, thinking about his life choices. About journalism and football and life that kept having turns that he couldn’t predict.” Or: Trent Crimm, The Independent finds himself stuck in the time loop. There’s a lot of British 80's music and questionable life choices included.

Trent Crimm Cannot Be Objective About This by thegables - Rated E

“I’m bigger, you know, so I won’t get as cold, and you’re… not as big, so the cold would bother you more, it stands to reason, so you should just let me go on the outside by the window.” Trent said, “You have the gallantry of a big-jawed American film hero.” His tone when saying it was such that Ted said, “Sorry.”

in my head (I found you there) by lilysaid - Rated E

Trent loses the last three years to amnesia and can't figure out where overly-familiar American football coach Ted Lasso fits into his life.

friday (never hesitate) by oriscribes - Rated G

Trent froze with a small wince. Oops. This was too much. This wasn’t what he meant to do. But it was Ted and he was fucking leaving. But right now Ted was looking at Trent with a gentle smile and a gentler look in his eyes and well shit. Trent needed to leave before he did something stupid like kiss the the gaffer like he got the boy at the end of this fucking fairytale of a season. OR: an alternative take of when Ted is reading over Trent's book.

that funny feeling by bearfeathers - Rated T

Ted needs to talk to Trent about the security footage he found. Except that's hard to do standing in West Ham's facilities with people bustling all around them. So he does the only reasonable thing he can think of: he invites him to dinner.

Total Writing by sbkmm - Rated T

'He’s bouncing off the walls. He definitely made at least two weird noises and waved his arms around like a Muppet.' What happens to Trent after That Scene in s3e07. Can he recover his cool exterior? (spoiler: he can not.)

Take My Whole Life Too by ItsClydeBitches - Rated G

Ted Lasso was the kind of man who taught NSYNC choreography for a going away party and bent his players into impossible positions just to say “Hi, Boss!” in the morning. He’d organized fearsome bets over darts, baked heavenly biscuits on the regular, and had requested at least two boxes from Nate Shelley’s niece, one of which still sat on a shelf in his office, despite the betrayal. Ted was also a passionate believer in what he referred to as “rom-communism,” all the trappings included. In retrospect, Trent should have known he’d go all out for Valentine’s Day.

red-handed love by clementines_and_colourful_things - Not Rated

The ever-bubbling reservoirs of hyperactive energy stored deep in Ted Lasso’s sun-touched soul never ran dry. — Or, Ted Lasso is not the most spatially aware, which leads to a head injury, a hospital visit, and a very stressed Trent.

When Life Gives You Lemons by Springandastorm - Rated T

Trent snorts, which is a sound that Ted has trouble believing he's able to make. "You didn't want to touch the knob?" He repeats. "Nah, it's got all kindsa nasty germs on it, and I know that you bake 'em out anyway, but this one time in college I got food poisoning from a bad donut and spent about two days straight on the—wait." Trent waits patiently for Ted to finish realizing, arms folded. Ted feels his face break open wide. "Trent Crimm, are you making a dick joke?" "...I'm attempting to." Ted thinks that if there were a little meter for how much he likes Trent, that might've just broken it.

lonely, lonely boys (this one's for you) by clementines_and_colourful_things - Not Rated

Nothing about Kansas feels right. And that’s only partly due to the massive fucking tornado.

Or, Trent ventures to Kansas to attempt to drag Ted back to Richmond, but nasty weather throws a wrench in his plans.

Biscuits for Blushes by JessJesstheBest - Rated G

“Clara’s class is having a holiday party and it just so happens that she has listed your biscuits as her ‘Favorotti’ of all time. She absolutely refuses to bring her classmates anything else to the party.” Or Trent's daughter has requested Ted bake cookies for her whole class and obviously he's on board.

Can’t Cry in Public and Can’t Drink Alone by WordsInTheNight - Rated G

When the wifi goes out at Ted's, Ted and Beard turn to watching the Shocker game at Mae's. Trent happens upon them and is invited into the wonderland that is watching football--with football coaches. Ted jumps on chairs. Beard is as protective as a mama bear, but buys Trent a pint. Just some smoopy afternoon getting to know each other and sharing each other's space. Pre-relationship, but the air is thick with promise. Set slightly after season 2, so two-ish years since the Shockers won the Division II NCAA championship. Trent Crimm is working on a book about Richmond. They haven’t hooked up, but intention is in the air.

exercising restraint by trentcrimminallybeautiful (biDEMONium) - Rated E

Following a fun and informative encounter with his favorite ex-journalist, Ted has a rather uncomfortable meeting with the Diamond Dogs. Featuring: Trent Crimm and the be-catted bag, Leslie Higgins knowing a lot about BDSM, Roy Kent being the world's most unwilling participant in this conversation, and Beard being Beard.

Top of the List by infiniteeight - Rated G

Rebecca wants Ted to be happy. Ted is good at making other people happy, but sometimes he needs to be nudged into taking something for himself.

The Humble Himbo by ItsClydeBitches - Rated G

Join narrator Trent Crimm as he follows one of the world's most magnificent creatures, the Himbo, capturing never-before-seen moments within AFC Richmond.

linger by trentcrimminallybeautiful (biDEMONium) - Rated G

Rebecca comes to see why Ted hasn't gotten off the team bus yet.

[sodaliteskull]

A much-belated Writing Questions tag game from @thesorcerersapprentice, who you absolutely need to be checking out! Check out her own responses to these questions over here!

Sending no-pressure tags to @saintedseraph, @meerawrites, and @lorenfinch. This is also an open tag to everyone, so if this sounds like your jam, get in on it!

What is your absolute all-time favourite idea you’ve ever had?

Gender swapping my main character’s love interest in my Silent Island stories for the Island of Crows reboot. I was fully in the throes of comphet when I was working on the Silent Island, and so I felt like my character had to have an opposite sex love interest - after all, the others I was writing with were all writing opposite sex love interests for their own characters, so I guess I had to, too. And while I like the idea of a romance, as a wlw, I am not interested in the idea of romance with a guy, so despite having some interesting concepts I wanted to play with in regards to this romance between these two characters, I couldn’t bring myself to give a shit about them when it came time to put pen to page. But switching the love interest from being a man to a woman? Honey, I could not stop the words from flowing!

Is there a question you’ve been asked that really stands out to you and that you still think about sometimes?

HAH. “What kind of drugs/alcohol were you on when you came up with that idea?!” That question stands out because I HATE it! Ever since I was little, I’ve heard so many people say that about any kind of story that was a little bit off the wall. Frankenstein, Alice In Wonderland, Lord of the Rings, Dune, “cLeArLy NoNe Of ThOsE cOuLd Be WrItTeN sObEr!!!” Shut the fuck up! It gave me this weird mindset for the longest time that I wouldn’t be able to write an “interesting” story unless I did so under the influence. Because of this, I had so many half-baked ideas and half finished things that I thought I wouldn’t be able to complete until I was able to get inebriated? Like I somehow wouldn’t be able to unlock the “true potential” of them or something?! So I try drinking (tastes nasty, makes me feel wretched) and drugs (weed: tastes WORSE and makes me a total space case, shrooms: mildly better tasting but gets me way too hyper to focus on anything), and attempt to write while under the influence, and surprise! Everything I came up with was trash! Bad! Nonsensical, but in a stupid way, not a fun creative way! It turns out that the real way to improve your writing is to sit down and actually write, and not wait for what is essentially a magic potion to make you a better writer!

What is your favourite part of being a writer? What parts could you take or leave?

I really dig the brainstorming phase, mostly because I can do that pretty much anywhere! LOL THE AMOUNT OF PROFESSIONAL, WORKING HOURS I HAVE SPENT JUST FULLY MALADAPTIVELY DAYDREAMING IS MAYBE A LITTLE CONCERNING, WHOOPS! But the stage where you get to metaphorically throw everything at the wall in order to see what sticks, I really love that part! The whole, more modern trend where you have to become an influencer if you want to get published? Not a fan of that!

What is your greatest motivation to write/create?

Shittily executed stories, hands down. When a work has a kernel of something cool under layers and layers of metaphorical feces, that inspires me way more than something that, to me at least, has been expertly crafted. Breaking down the essence of something that works for me in a bad story and moulding it into something of my own? Love doing that!

What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever read or been given as a writer?

Honestly, it’s the one about how if you’re stuck, then the problem is three sentences back or whatever. I used to try and brute force my way through roadblocks in my writing, but I’ve never been satisfied by the results of those methods. Rereading to find trouble spots when I hit those kinds of stoppages has done wonders for me, personally!

What do you wish you knew when you were first starting out writing?

Gonna go off on a tangent for a sec, so stay with me! When I was little, like toddler little, I didn’t quite understand how writing worked. I knew that books held stories, and I fucking loved stories! Like most kids, I made up all kinds of weird little scenarios with my toys, and I thought it would be rad as hell to keep a record of them so I could go back and read them. I somehow came to the conclusion that if I just thought about what I wanted to write while I wrote, then my thoughts would just, I don’t know, psychically imprint themselves on the page?! So I made a bunch of little books by cutting up loose leaf paper into smaller sheets and stapling them together with a construction paper cover, and I would “write” my stories by grabbing whatever book or magazine I could find and copying the letters on the pages into my “books” while I thought about what I wanted the story to be like. I would then go back and “read” my books, but it was really just me daydreaming about whatever the story was supposed to be about, which I knew more from what I’d crayoned the cover to look like, rather than any of the actual contents on the pages. It wasn’t until I started kindergarten that I learned that letters are sounds, and that the sounds put together make up words, and the words put together is how stories are made. So the thing I wish I knew when I first started “writing” would be how words actually worked!

What is your favourite story you’ve written to completion? Link it if you’d like and can!

I’m going to cheat because it’s technically not complete, but the Silent Island stories that I wrote with my pals. We wrote them, off and on, between 2003 and 2015, so that is the majority of my life! It’s an inextricable part of me at this point. It’s not something that’s going to be traditionally published, but having it up online is probably going to be in the cards for this beast. LOL ALAS NOT ANY TIME SOON! Still gotta sort through it all!

Which of your characters would you say has the most controversial mindset? Why do you say so, and how do you personally feel about their ideals?

For me, personally, the character with the most controversial mindset would be Ransaran, who is the antagonist for the Starcrossed Cycle. A “god” that only sees people as a natural resource to be exploited, I modelled a lot of its behaviour and mindset after people I find deplorable in real life - people like Bezos, Trump, Musk, and Epstein, to name a few - people who take, and use, and destroy for their own pleasure, with absolutely no thought or care for anything beyond their own selfish desires. People like that are the antithesis to everything I value as a person, so when I think “villainy”, those are the types of people that come to mind.

If you, when you first started writing, met you now, what would younger you think?

I think younger me would be blown away by the sheer volume of writing that I’ve produced over the years. Alas, most of it incomplete, or half baked planning, but I have written a metric fuckton between then and now! But hey, here’s hoping that the me from now would be blown away by the amount of actually completed works the me ten years in the future will have under her belt!

[mvximized]

max doesn't open up like this very often, having been brushed off for having feelings her whole life. she was happy to be afforded this safe space. it was rare for her and she promised herself she'd never take it for granted. "definitely. it feels so cruel to be able to turn on your own self like that. strange how the brain works. i wonder what survival mechanism that shit is for," she laughed. she nodded at the other's metaphor, clicking her pen and shuffling through the pages of her journal to write it down. she wanted to remember that one. hopefully she could flip to it whenever she needed it most. "i guess the hard part is letting yourself believe you're a masterpiece. i consider myself a confident person and even i struggle with that sometimes," she admitted, nodding to herself.

max allows herself a satisfied grin as aurea compliments her reply. she figures there's no judge for the best answers to random and abstract questions, but if there was one it would be aurea. "love," she nodded. "that's a really good answer. i feel like a cartwheel and love go very well together. that twirly, light feeling that kind of feels like magic. yeah i'm totally on board with that. and besides, i think love can be whatever you want it to be. i mean, it's not like there's a science to it or anything." she smiled at the other's words. "so i think, following that definition, you would be a star." she knew it was going to be cheesy, but she decided on saying it anyway. life was too short not to compliment your friends. not to show them love.

   IT'S STRANGE, THE FRIENDSHIP THEY HAVE. aurea isn't someone who gets close to people and she's definitely not someone who comforts, but there's something about the other that ignites her desire to protect. perhaps it's the kindred spirit she feels in max?   ❝  i understand that completely. i think we're always the hardest on ourselves.  ❞   and in audi's experience, it's even harder when you can no longer decipher whose voice it is that's telling you the things you hear in your head because they all sound like yourself.   ❝  but something i try to remind myself is that a masterpiece is always a masterpiece. whether it's being appreciated or it's sitting alone in the dark, no scenario changes that.  ❞   she smiles and mirrors max's nods, unbeknownst to them both, before mae comes to join her on the couch. she's happy to hear that they're working on things and offers a vocal nudge of encouragement, letting her friend know softly that they're not alone,   ❝  me too.  ❞

   a hand begins to smooth her kitten's fur once the pet has settled onto her chest, watching the fan overhead spin as she considers the response she's given. it's one she adores and audi makes a mental note to write that down later, like cartwheels.   ❝  wait, that has got to be my favourite answer.  ❞   not that she's received many of them, but that's beside the point.   ❝  as for me, many people argue it's not an actual feeling, but i'm still convinced it's love; so much so that they literally sing and burst with it all the time.  ❞   while she can agree with max that watching your friends explode might be difficult, it must be comforting to know that their energy is never truly gone.   ❝  i mean, what it must feel like to know that you make people feel safe enough to share the deepest, most honest, parts of themselves with you simply because you're you and that you, who gaze upon each other reverently, are both made of the same magic...  ❞   her voice trails off with a sigh.   ❝  yeah, love's my final answer, and now i'm of the belief that it's the kind that feels like cartwheels.  ❞

[dolphin1812]

It’s so sad to have exactly how much Cosette suffered reiterated here. Knowing that her clothes didn’t even become threadbare underscores how little time passed before she had to experience this kind of stress again; her childhood remains tumultuous, even now that she has Valjean to care for her. And it hurts to hear that she lost Catherine in all of this. The convent is against possessions in general, so she would have been separated from her as part of a broad policy, but there’s a big difference between nuns voluntarily giving up their material possessions and a child who’s only ever had one doll being made to do the same. I guess knowing that the convent would have taken Catherine away makes it slightly less sad that she lost her in their flight (since she would have lost her anyways), but it’s still devastating. The fact that she hints at her despair over this loss to Valjean highlights the depth of her trust in him, though. She’s too used to silence to say anything to most people, but she feels so safe around him that she can begin to express this, even if only indirectly.

Still, the convent is a good place for her right now. She smiles! And she even laughs! It offers her security and love (from Valjean), and that’s what she needs most to recover from those years of abuse.

For Valjean, the convent is much more mixed. He’s happy, too, but Hugo very blatantly compares the convent to a prison (and the same thoughts are running through Valjean’s head here). In some respects, the convent is definitely better. This sums it up well:

“On the one hand, miasms; on the other, an ineffable perfume. On the one hand, a moral pest, guarded from sight, penned up under the range of cannon, and literally devouring its plague-stricken victims; on the other, the chaste flame of all souls on the same hearth. There, darkness; here, the shadow; but a shadow filled with gleams of light, and of gleams full of radiance.”

The convent has a “hearth,” like a home, while the prison is diseased, metaphorically and literally. However, it’s still a place of darkness, even if that darkness is a shadow, and the bits of sky that Valjean sees are limited.

The way he thinks about these two structures also underscores his punishment-centric mindset. Since the galleys (theoretically - we know this isn’t true because his punishment followed him) delivered punishment in the form of imprisonment and labor in return for the expiation of “sins” (crimes), he applies the same logic to the convent, only to find that the nuns suffer to redeem everyone, not themselves. On the one hand, their focus on all people allows him to think of humanity as a whole, which can be good in broadening his perspective. Hugo speculates that he may have become prideful without this, and it’s true that Valjean is bad at thinking of other people; Fauchelevent himself pointed this out. That being said, he doesn’t think of others as a form of connection because of the convent. He only thinks of them in the abstract, encouraging him to continue in his pattern of helping others and forgetting them. He does have another social tie with Fauchelevent now, but the convent doesn’t seem to be addressing the actual issues with his mindset: an obsession with punishment and difficulties in forming real relationships.

[thatoneblogwithallthewriting]

I almost forgot how complete I feel when I’m writing. The world goes quiet, and everything just sort of stays still. Like I know it’ll be waiting for me once I put my pen down, or once I stop typing. It all is just as I left it.

This story is about a lost soul, who found herself. She found herself in the last place she thought to look. Within. Every question she asked, every heartbreak she experienced, every trauma she faced-she found herself. And she was the only one who could have done so. It will be written in parts. Enjoy the first piece!

‘I used to feel like a dirty rag, like those nasty ones you see in a restaurant that’s like changed colors because it’s been used so much’ she picked up her well loved baby blue lighter and lit a half smoked cigarette. ‘People would come around and see that I fixed them, or cleaned up their messes. I was so used to it, that when I had someone tell me I give more than I get, I denied it.’ She stared at the cigarette and gasped as if she had an epiphany. ‘It’s like I’m this cigarette, you know? Someone always takes a puff then throws me out, or lights it up when they need more.’ She laughed but then the smile fell as fast as it appeared. ‘I chalked it up to being a ‘nice person’ or someone who just loves helping others. Like a real heart on my sleeve type of gal.’

The middle aged woman -with brown hair and one single tattoo, right about her left wrist-set her notebook down and asked the broken girl a question that caught her off guard. ‘When did you start smoking?’ The girl paused and turned her head like a dog trying to understand its master. ‘Umm excuse me? How the fuck is tha related to thi-‘ ‘just answer the question, I promise it’ll be worth it’.’ The therapist smiled shyly. Very self assure what she had asked was a good idea.

‘Uhh, I mean I think my first cigarette was when I was 17? This girl told me it helps with that anxious feeling I always have. I guess I just never stopped. Why do you ask?’ She said, finishing off her cigarette, she put the butt in the ash tray and coughed 3 times.

The therapist crossed her legs and let out a small sigh. ‘Well, I ask because it seems like it’s something you do because you feel obligated to. Do you enjoy smoking those? Or is it more of a habit?’ The girl paused and thought for what seemed like no time at all. ‘No I love them. I love knowing every time I put one to my lips, it takes time off my life. I love smelling like an old vegas stripper who’s husband left me for the waitress at our favorite restaurant.’ The sarcasm in her tone was hard to miss. ‘Look, nobody likes smoking cigarettes. It’s not an enjoyable thing. It’s gross, I know. But it’s the one thing that I can always count on.’ She leaned forward in her chair and rested her elbows on her knees. ‘It’s like it’s the only constant in my life, ya know? Like I can always depend on a cigarette, it never changes. It’s always the same and you can’t get let down when you know what to expect.’ Her tone turned serious, and her face went blank. ‘—sorry, that’s depressing…hah.’ The girl said, dryly.

‘I want you to think about what you just said, and think about how you compared yourself to something that people use when they’re stressed or lost.’ The woman rubbed her hands together, the way you do when you’re nervous. Her skin was almost raw from how often she did this. The young girl was very still as she pondered what was just said to her. ‘I mean, yeah I did but it was more of a metaphor. I wasn’t serious.’ She said, embarrassed. ‘And besides, I can quit whenever I want. I just don’t want to.’ She said firmly. ‘Quit smoking? Or quit letting people use you?’ Asked the therapist.

‘Don’t do that whole-ask a question you know the answer to-thing. So I have things I need to work on, that’s why I’m here, right?’ Asked the girl, rhetorically.

‘I don’t think you see yourself the way others do.’ Said the therapist. ‘Why do you think people need you so badly?’ The girl wasn’t sure if she should answer that, so she didn’t. The therapist reached for a pen and her notebook and began writing. ‘I’m gonna write down a question and hand you this notebook, and I want you to write your answer down, okay?’ She began writing and before the girl could question it, the notebook was in her hands. The girl looked down and couldn’t believe what she read. ‘This is what you wanna ask me? This?’ The girl laughed, puzzled.

‘Don’t think about it. Just write.’ The therapist waited patiently, smiling just enough to show her enjoying the whole thing. The girl began writing, and halfway through what she wrote she shook her head and laughed. ‘I’m not sure what you’re getting at, but here—‘she said, handing the notebook back.

‘Now, I’m not going to look at your answer. I’m going to leave it and in one month we’re going to revisit this, and I’m gonna ask you to tell me if your answer has changed. Does that make sense?’ The woman closed the notebook and looked at her watch. ‘It looks like that’s all the time we have for this session. Shall I schedule you for same time next week?’

The girl hadn’t said anything or moved since she handed the notebook back. She didn’t know why but she was all of a sudden flooded with emotions. She spoke in between her sniffles, barely audible ‘I didn’t think one question could trigger someone so much. You’re very good at your job..’ she pulled her hair out from her face and quickly threw it in a bun. ‘But yes same time works’. She quickly grabbed her bag and lighter from the coffee table in front of her. Before she reached the door, her therapist said something that made her stop in her tracks.

‘I’m looking forward to our next session, Alice.’ The therapist stayed sitting in her chair, not looking up from her notes as she said this. The girl squeezed the doorknob so tight she was sure it was gonna pop off. ‘Yeah, me too.’ Her voice trailed off as she shut the door behind her.

As the girls’ energy still lingered, the therapist picked up the notebook and opened it to her bookmarked page. She read the question over again in her head before reading her answer. ‘What’s one thing you love about yourself?’ Read the question. She looked for the girls answer but couldn’t find one. Instead she looked at the very bottom of the page, and in small letters read ‘my fucking therapist.’

End session.

[j4gm]

TOGETHER AGAIN SPOILERS

A thread of lore, Easter eggs, episode connections, and background details from Adventure Time: Distant Lands: Together Again! Let me know if I missed anything! This is adapted from my original Twitter thread.

Keep reading ⬇️⬇️⬇️

1. I was expecting them to perhaps do a classic style title sequence for this episode, but I wasn't expecting them to straight up use the original title sequence. The only difference is this final screen saying "Distant Lands".

2. The background of the title cards is also the hill from the title sequence.

3. The ice cream having "50 flavours" and having an image of an enlightened soul is an obvious reference to the 50th Dead World as we see it later in the episode.

4. Continuing with the metaphor, the dirt in the ice cream could be a parallel to the fact that Jake's Nirvana actually wasn't perfect, because his inaction was allowing for injustice to perpetuate.

5. This whole scene feels immediately slightly off. Finn has his Scarlet sword and is out on a classic Ice King adventure, but he speaks in his grown voice and all the slang feels much more forced than it did in the real season one. Turns out this was deliberate.

6. The snow golem speaks with a baby voice like it did in the pilot episode, even though in canon it has a deeper voice. This further hints that something is not quite right.

7. The first major break in continuity is these snow golems resembling Uncle Gumbald and Peace Master, who Finn didn't meet until later in his life.

8. LSP sitting on Finn's head like this is reminiscent of Pen Ward's piece for the 2018 Ble crew zine.

9. Finn being given the choice of helping somebody but ending up helping everybody reminds me of "Memories of Boom Boom Mountain". It's the kind of resolution that wouldn't happen so much in the late seasons of the show, which helps make this scene feel even further out of place.

10. Jake is half frozen by Ice King in pretty much the exact same way as he was in "Prisoners of Love", and even has a very similar line.

11. The Snail is seen here. The crew have said that the Snail has been deliberately left out of previous Distant Lands specials, so its placement here is another very deliberate hint that this whole sequence is "trying too hard" to be like the early seasons.

12. The book "Mind Games" appears a couple of times, as seen in several previous episodes of Adventure Time. The first is as Finn is approaching the library in his dream. It also appears as one of the items in Finn's backpack later.

13. Jake is hurt when Finn fist bumps him with his metal arm, revealing that this scene is not real. This is also a callback to the title sequences of "Islands" and "Elements".

14. A whole bunch of familiar skeletons are seen in the bird's nest: Dirt Beer Guy, Abracadaniel, Me-Mow, Lemongrab, Mr. Pig, and the Snail again. This doesn't necessarily mean that all these characters are dead, since this scene is just a hallucination.

15. Old Man Finn! He's still got the chest tattoo of Jake, and this time we know that Jake is dead, so the theory that Jake died before "Obsidian" seems pretty likely. He looks similar to his old man design from "Puhoy", with the same facial hair.

16. There are several cameos of familiar characters who apparently died at the same time as Finn. The first is this duck, who previously appeared in "Ocarina".

17. The second is Donny, from the episode... uh, "Donny".

18. This goblin guy is an unnamed background character from “The Silent King”.

19. This old lady first appeared in "The Enchiridion", way back in season one. Old ladies are a species in the Land of Ooo, so I guess she wasn't actually very old back then, given she just about outlived Finn.

20. This is the cobbler who first appears in "His Hero". Amazing that he lived so long given all the trouble he got into in that episode.

21. Land of the Dead! This place was first seen in season two's "Death in Bloom", and now we are finally learning its actual purpose. It's a sort of gateway and hub to all of the other dead worlds.

22. There are some more minor cameos at the gates: a house person from "Donny", a soft person from "Gut Grinder", and a wood person from "When Wedding Bells Thaw". And, of course, the gate guardian himself from “Death in Bloom”.

23. Finn completely ignores the gate guardian in the same way he did in Death in Bloom. This also has the convenient effect of not having to reveal how Finn died, leaving it up to the audience's imagination.

24. Mr. Fox! We already knew he would die at some point because BMO had his skull in the finale.

25. Finn has his design from the first Distant Lands poster in this scene. Turns out it's young Finn in old Finn's clothes. But they gave him a shirt in the poster so you wouldn't be able to see the tattoo.

26. The clapping that Finn does while he's looking for Jake is a callback to "James Baxter the Horse", when Jake tells Finn to listen for that same rhythm if they are killed and need to find each other in the afterlife.

27. Mr. Fox talks about a "past life quotient", suggesting that there might be some kind of limit to how many times somebody can reincarnate. Finn's reincarnations are also seen in this scene; a callback to "The Vault", and confirmation that reincarnations share the same soul.

28. Boobafina, the goose who Mr. Fox was in love with in his debut episode “Storytelling”, apparently reincarnated into a tugboat. We've already seen that objects can have souls in the episode "Ghost Fly".

29. Finn is initially assigned to the 37th Dead World, which is the same one that Jake went to when he died in "Sons of Mars". We can only guess at what the other numbers on the ticket mean ;)

30. Tiffany! Despite several lucky escapes throughout his life, Tiffany has finally died. I like the use of this imagery to express Finn's conflicted feelings about him.

31. The 50th Dead World has long been established as the "highest" dead world, and the one synonymous with Heaven within Adventure Time's universe. It was first mentioned in "Ghost Princess" back in season three.

32. It's unclear what happens to souls which are destroyed within the dead worlds. It is a similar question to asking what happened to the ghosts that were killed in "Ghost Fly".

33. Death doesn't speak at all in Together Again because his voice actor, Miguel Ferrer, passed away in 2017 long before production began.

34. Finn phases through New Death when he tries to attack him, just like what happened way back in "Death in Bloom".

35. The 30th Dead World contains Tree Trunks as well as many of her love interests; Mr. Pig, her alien husband from "High Strangeness", Danny and Randy who first appeared in "Apple Wedding", and several more who we don't recognise, including at least one who presents as a woman.

36. Literally yelled when these two showed up. Joshua calls Finn a crybaby, which is a callback to "Dad's Dungeon".

37. The wall of weapons in Joshua and Margaret's house includes the iconic Demon Blood Sword, which was broken in "Play Date", as well as Margaret's auto-loading crossbow from "Joshua & Margaret Investigations".

38. Jermaine is sidelined a few times through the episode, in reference to his attitude in "Jermaine" where he feels that Finn and Jake were always their parents' favourites. I would have hoped things would be a bit better by now.

39. Fern gets name dropped while Finn and Jake are reuniting. A shame he doesn't actually show up in the episode.

40. In this scene, Finn says "What time is it?" This is a very subtle reference to the 2010 cartoon "Adventure Time".

41. In a couple of shots during this fight scene it looks like Jake might have a tattoo. It seems like it only becomes visible when he stretches out his arm.

42. New Death's amulet in this scene resembles parts of the Lich's cape, foreshadowing his influence on New Death.

43. There are several more cameos in the 50th Dead World: Booshy from "High Strangeness", one of the Marshmallow Kids from "Scamps", and Ghost Princess and Clarence, who were seen ascending to the 50th Dead World in "Ghost Princess".

44. Finn didn't interact with Booshy in "High Strangeness", but it seems they must have met at some point before they both died because Finn knows his name.

45. It seems like people in the 1st Dead World are slowly melted away until they become part of the landscape. Nasty.

46. Lots more cameos in this scene: a gnome from "Power Animal", a gnome from "The Enchiridion", a Bath Boy from "The Vault", Blagertha from "Love Games", Maja the Sky Witch, a troll from "Dungeon", Chocoberry, Choose Goose, Wyatt, a spiky person from "Gut Grinder", and possibly more.

47. Tiffany's insults are consistently nonsensical and amazing, as they were in the original series.

48. The Candy Kingdom looks extremely different. Peppermint Butler is wearing the crown so he might be in charge now, which is supported by the kingdom's very magical-looking augmentations. It’s not clear whether Finn and Jake were expecting to find Princess Bubblegum or Peppermint Butler, since both have the initials “PB” and both could be going by the title of “Princess”. Perhaps Peps and Bubblegum share the princess duties now that PB is living with Marceline more of the time.

49. Peppermint Butler has a "Boss" mug, although it's not the same colour as the one from "Obsidian".

50. Jake's ghost has the same design as he did when BMO killed him in "Ghost Fly". I also absolutely love Finn's ghost. This scene establishes that ghosts are just visitors to the mortal plane from the dead worlds.

51. Life has only appeared in animated shorts before now. Namely, "The Gift That Reaps Giving" which establishes her relationship with Death, and "Frog Seasons: Winter". This episode gives her a concrete place within Adventure Time's pantheon: she is in charge of reincarnation.

52. A translation of Life’s angry French dialogue by Shado: “After all I did for that boy. After all I did for him. No, it's not possible. It's not possible no, that... that makes me so mad but it's not possible.”

53. We finally have in-universe confirmation that Shoko's tiger is a previous life of Jake. This was previously confirmed by one of the writers, but wasn't canon until now.

54. I feel like Finn pulled off Shoko's look even better than Shoko did. I wonder whether Finn has gained the memories of his past lives now that he’s dead.

55. No Easter egg here, just want to appreciate this image.

56. There is an elemental symbol on the wall here, as seen in "Jelly Beans Have Power".

57. Tiffany's dramatic internal monologue is a recurring gag, as is his habit of nearly dying from falling into holes.

58. The Jake suit makes a cameo in the fight against New Death. It was last seen in the episode "Reboot”.

59. Finn's backpack contains a few familiar items: the t-shirt with the pocket from "It Came from the Nightosphere", Finn's underwear from "Little Dude" and other episodes, and a copy of Mind Games as I've already mentioned.

60. The Lich's Hand is present in the background of Death's... death scene. This is probably the unseen "friend" who New Death keeps talking about.

61. The Lich's menacing monologues often begin with a single command. Previously they have included "Fall" and "Stop". This time, the command is "Burn".

62. Jake uses the word "boingloings", which is a callback all the way to "Hitman" in the third season.

63. Jake's blue shape-shifter form from "Abstract" appears very briefly during his fight with Finn.

64. Finn's lumpy space person form also makes an appearance. This design was last seen all the way back in the second episode of the entire show, "Trouble in Lumpy Space".

65. Jake steps on the Lich's hand in a very similar way to how he stepped on Ash in "Memory of a Memory", which is itself a Monty Python reference.

66. The credits include a dedication to a few AT cast and crew who have passed away. Polly Lou Livingston was the voice of Tree Trunks. Miguel Ferrer was the voice of Death. Michel Lyman and Maureen Mlynarczyk were both sheet timers on the original series. Rest in peace.

67. The message that Finn and Jake write out on the ouija board is "BUTT", which Peppermint Butler takes as a distress signal. This message is also used as a distress signal by the Hot Dog Knights in "The Limit".

68. Peppermint Butler's reversed dialogue from the scene where he makes contact with Finn and Jake is "Kee-Oth Rama Pancake", the spell from “Dad's Dungeon” for banishing demons.

69. That appears to be President Porpoise with all of Tree Trunks’ other lovers.

70. In this scene, Life is humming part of "Lonely Bones", the song which Death tried to record for her in her debut short "The Gift That Reaps Giving". It's hard to notice because it's so brief.

71. Finn and Jake's cover is blown while in the Land of the Dead because Jake loudly farts, which also happened in "Death in Bloom".

72. The place where Mr. Fox explains the perception mechanics of the afterlife is the exact same location as the River of Forgetfulness from "Death in Bloom", which, as it turns out, was imaginary.

These are sort of out of order at the end because I was adding stuff to the Twitter thread as it got discovered. That’s all for now!

[delugyu]

GOSHHH raya i love you so much do u know that 😭😭😭 seriously seriously this review made me light up, i was grinning like a fool the whole time (spoilers below the cut!!)

oh yeah the tags are definitely very intimidating and the 26k came out of NOWHEREEE. i swore it was gonna be 20k or under, but i kept needing to give scenes more depth lol. one of these days ill be able to pen a fic under 20k… that kind of self control has not found me yet tho

(also omg while writing this fic i literally thought abt u, wondering how you’re able to write so many words so fast lol! 50k in two and a half months nearly killed me, but you’ve got 75k since january in ur masterlist, HOWWWW i aspire to be like that lol)

EEEEEK TYSM i wanted to make sure i painted a good enough scene for the intro to explain where the mc’s head has been at. i loved writing about the little things she missed with beomgyu, the friendly things. to hear i’m talented coming from u is such high praise… COME HEREEE 👩‍❤️‍💋‍👩

dialogue is my FAVEEEE part of writing by far!! sometimes i’ll go in and write only dialogue at first so i don’t lose the rhythm of the convo while fluffing up the descriptions surrounding it. the phone call with chaewon and the mc was sooooo fun to write, and it comes so easily which makes it even better lol. i also love writing dialogue for arguments—a personal favorite here was the one between chaewon and beomgyu

the yearninggggg ugh yes when i write something fluffier one day i’ll thrive. i am such a sucker for metaphors about the heart, if this fic hasn’t made that clear yet. writing the mc’s longing almost made me switch gears and make boyfriend!soobin endgame cause i was getting so into it. if beomgyu wasn’t in the way of their relationship, they would’ve been beautiful together 😭

YEAHHH the whole thing with beomgyu not wanting her to hang out with a bunch of men…. he’s so insecure but what’s funny is at this point he’s still containing himself somewhat. if this scene were to have happened after the smut, he would have approached this WAYYY differently lmao instead of whining and complaining he would’ve been snapping at mc and making sure she didn’t go. he had some slow descent to madness in this fic that makes comparisons like these fun. (whew i hope you’ve healed from that relationship. dating an insecure man is not for the weak)

hehehe the scene w soobin tae and kai was so fun to write, i loved their little group talk. but yes that scene right after is just butterflies galore 😵‍💫😵‍💫 i’m so glad his words worked on you muahaha, the goal is to get everyone swooning over him

GETTING INTO THE MANIPULATION NOW… aljajhshjsjksjjsja im giggling seeing the real time panic reaction LMAO. “He knows he can’t win her heart yet… so he tries to get to her physically.” EXACTLYYY he’ll pull whatever strings he can, and he knows she’s weakest for him there. that smut scene made me feel so feral writing it, beomgyu had to be put in his fawking PLACE!!! very chipper to get some love on that scene cause it was one of my faves to write !

yeonjun did notttt hold back, if i was the mc id be so scared 😭 but yes exactly it serves as more proof that beomgyu doesn’t respect mc the way he should. my fave thing to hear when i write angst is that i’m crushing hearts and souls… that’s how you know its hitting the way you wanted lmfaoooo. apologies for the tears bae IM SORRY🤞❤️

omfg i just realized how long this is getting. see this is why part 2 jumped up to 26k i can’t control myself 😭

no right like unfortunately id be folding at beomgyu’s manipulation in a heartbeat. like ughhh okay fine 🙄 u can pull my panties to the side and hit it sloppy style 🙄 fineeee whatever.

THE LOST PHONE SCENE YESSS showing how much the manipulation was getting to mc and making her paranoid.

you’re deep and immersed in my writingggg??? *blushing and twirling my hair* can i pull a beomgyu and chant i love you i love you i love you. no reason i just feel like it, promise 😇

ackkkkk the final soobin scene…. so so bittersweet writing that. i will help piece your heart back together i swear 🤞 i think that scene was my favorite in the whole fic. it was one of the first scenes i wrote for part two actually. i don’t write scenes in order at all and sometimes i wonder if that shows LMAO but it’s great for foreshadowing purposes at least

i contemplated long and hard whether i was going to commit to that ending, but anything else would have felt like pandering and not true to how i imagine the story. thank you raya 😭🤍

this review is everything i swear… i’m honored to have you read my fics are u kiddingggg i’m the lucky one here. you’re the sweetest friend i love you so much!

still bouncing off the walls from the adrenaline rush this review gave me. ILY MUAHHHH 😚

cold, cursed city (part 2)

summary: You wish your best friend would just leave your budding relationship alone.

pairings: beomgyu x fem!reader, soobin x fem!reader

word count: 26k

tags: ANGST, smut (MDNI), best friend and roommate!beomgyu, crush!soobin, possessiveness, manipulation, arguments, very bad reckless dumb decisions, codependency, beomgyu gets a bit crazy

smut tags: multiple smut scenes yet again sigh, switch!gyu, switch!reader, handjob, masturbation, fingering, squirting lollll, praise, degradation, pet names (puppy, baby, etc), overstimulation, edging, dacryphilia, mind breaking kinda, utilization of a mirror, some pussy slapping, dubcon!! please beware!

notes: the smut here is so depravedddjshjshdjdjhs 😭 mind the angst in all caps btw… don’t get too mad at me LMAO. this is the final part btw! enjoyyyy<3

Being home feels so awkward now. You feel like you have to avoid Beomgyu, and that’s something you never would have imagined. You wonder if there’s any going back now in your friendship. Will it ever be normal again? It will take some time, you think, but you don’t doubt it. You can’t doubt it. It’s just that you need some time right now.

A part of you is thankful that he leaves you alone. It reprieves you of the constant guilt you were battling with, and you can talk to Soobin without feeling like a liar. Another part of you is terrified that he’s leaving you alone. It’s so unlike him to not be clingy and talkative. You wonder what he’s been going through these past few days.

You don’t even eat dinner together anymore. When you get home from work, you grab something quick to eat and go to your room as soon as you’re finished. The only times you’ve seen Beomgyu since your last conversation is in passing, when you see his figure walk down the hall or pop back into his room.

You really hope he’s okay. You can’t stand to dwell on it too much, obsessing over how he might be dealing with this. Maybe it’s been easy for him. Honestly, he probably needed this too. He must have been going insane the same way you were in his attempts to keep you to himself.

But you do miss him. You miss him when you’re sitting at the table, staring at an empty chair across from you. You miss him when you’re wiping off your makeup, looking for his presence behind you in the mirror. You miss him when you’re laying in bed, watching a movie on your laptop all alone. You miss him a lot.

You’re getting ready for work, staring blankly at yourself in the mirror as you fix your hair. You don’t really have anything to look forward to today. You’re not seeing Soobin after work, Chaewon’s been busy all week, and Beomgyu’s not talking to you. Maybe you’ll invite one of your other friends to hang out later. You hate feeling so lonely.

You grab your purse and head to the kitchen, opening a breakfast bar to eat before you put on your jacket and shoes. You’re about to head out, but a small bright-colored paper on your fridge catches your attention. That wasn’t there last night. You step closer to the fridge and lean in to read the post-it note.

Won’t be back till late tonight. Also eat up the fruits they’re gonna go bad!

Huh, you wonder why he didn’t just text you that. You take the note off the fridge and fold it neatly into your pocket. Your hand is wrapped around it for the whole duration of your walk to work.

When you get back home, you already know what you’ll eat for dinner. You feel a little happier than you have been the past few days as you bite down on the fruits, feeling giddy at the smallest hint of reconnection with Beomgyu. Not talking to him for so long was taking a toll on you.

After you finish cleaning up, you decide to write Beomgyu a note too.

Fruit is all done. Mission accomplished

With a satisfied smile, you stick the post-it on the same spot Beomgyu put his. Maybe a part of you hopes he’ll hang onto it the same way you did with his.

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

Beomgyu normally isn’t awake when you leave for work; today, he is. You stop in your tracks for a second when you see him sitting at the table, resting his head on his arms. You consider stepping into the bathroom to give him time to run off to his room, but decide against it when he looks at you with brightened eyes.

“Good morning,” he says when you finally enter the kitchen. You give him a small smile.

“You’re up early,” you note as you grab something quick for breakfast. You keep your distance, standing at the counter even if you yearn to leap into the seat across from him.

“I wanted to talk to you,” he explains simply.

“About what?” You keep your guard up.

“Anything,” he says. “I just miss talking to you.” Your standoffish demeanor melts, and your eyes soften. You know how he feels.

“Me too.” You finally move into your seat, excited to finally see something besides an empty chair when you eat here. “What have you been up to recently?”

He shrugs. “Playing games. Sitting in my room. Working. What about you?”

“Pretty much nothing,” you answer. While a part of the conversation does feel weird, seeing as you’re trying to reconnect with your literal best friend, it doesn’t feel stiff or awkward. You’re more happy than anything to hear his voice again. It’s been a long few days.

“We need to do more with our lives,” Beomgyu laughs. It feels good to see a smile on his face again.

“No literally, my screen time this week is embarrassing. Netflix has seen me more than you have in the past five days.” You mean it as a lighthearted joke, but Beomgyu only frowns a little at that. He looks away for a few seconds, then back at you with a gleam in his eyes.

“Why don’t we do a movie night tonight then?” he offers. You light up at his suggestion.

“Yes! I’ll pick up some take-out for dinner too.” You clasp your hands in excitement. A semblance of normalcy is coming back to you, and it tastes so sweet.

“I’m so happy,” Beomgyu says, and it shows on his face. You resist the urge to pat his head at how cute he is.

“Me too.” You get up from your chair and throw out your trash. “I’ve gotta head out now,” you announce, looking at the time.

“Okay, have fun at work!” You feel his stare on you as you gather all your things and move towards the door.

“Thanks, I’ll try,” you say before heading out.

Work feels less stressful today. You don’t feel as frustrated at your little mistakes as you have been recently. You talk to your coworkers a little more than usual at lunch, and you even offer to help on an overdue project for the company, feeling more generous than usual.

As you walk back home, take-out bag in hand, you find yourself feeling foolish for ever worrying that you and Beomgyu couldn’t go back to normal. It was so easy to fall back into this, it’s as if it was second nature. As long as Beomgyu knows not to cross the line, this night will prove that you made the right choice. See, you can have both Soobin and Beomgyu in your life.

Your phone buzzes, and you fish it out of your pocket to check the notification. It’s a text from Soobin.

[Soobin] Hey, if you’re not busy do you want to grab dinner?

You pout, hating to have to reject him.

Omg I literally just got food :(

[Soobin] That’s okay!

[Soobin] There’s always tomorrow

Your cheeks hurt from how hard you’re smiling. Today is going so well, you almost can’t believe it. Finally, finally you get a day like this, where the world is kind to you again. Suddenly you find yourself more grateful for all the people you have in your life.

Tomorrow it is then!!

Beomgyu’s already sitting on the couch when you enter your apartment. You quickly take off your shoes and jacket so you can dash to your spot next to him, placing the take-out bag on the table in front of you.

“Hiii,” you greet while pulling a blanket into your lap.

“You’re finally back,” he says, smiling. You get yourself cozy as Beomgyu rips open the take-out bag, pulling out all the food.

“Yeah, I stayed a little longer to help with a few extra things.” You grab the remote to start scrolling through movie options. “What do you feel like watching?”

Beomgyu hums in thought. “Something scary?”

“That’s more for autumn, though,” you say. You start scrolling through some comedy movies instead. Those are always fun to watch with Beomgyu.

“Why’d you ask me what I want to watch then?” he laughs. You hold back your smile and whack his shoulder with the remote. He pouts at you in faux hurt as he places a hand over the impacted spot.

“Same reason you ask me what I want for dinner.” You scroll past a bunch of movies, trying to find one you haven’t seen that actually looks interesting. It’s a difficult task when you and Beomgyu have already watched so many movies together.

“It’s gonna take longer to find a movie than it is to watch one,” Beomgyu complains through a mouthful of food.

“Ew, finish chewing.” You keep your eyes on the screen, but you see him snicker in your peripheral. You finally land on a movie that sounds compelling, turning to Beomgyu to gauge his reaction.

He nods. “This one’s good.” You click on it and turn up the volume, then abandon the remote in favor of grabbing some food.

It feels just like a movie night a month ago would have felt. You fill the air with laughter and banter, and you can’t wipe the smile off your face. The only difference this time is that when you finish eating, you don’t cuddle into Beomgyu’s side. You have to be more mindful of keeping space between you now.

You laugh so hard at one point that you have to pause the movie to catch your breath and wipe your tears. “Oh my god, this was so needed,” you say to Beomgyu, still fighting off the last of your laughter.

“It literally was,” he agrees. “The past few days were legit the worst of my life.”

Your laughter finally dies when you hear that. “The worst? Why?”

Beomgyu laughs a little, but it doesn’t sound genuine. “I was scared that you hated me now.”

You turn your head to Beomgyu, but he doesn’t look back at you. God, did he seriously think that? You would never hate him. A weight falls onto your shoulders, and your heart aches.

“Well, don’t think like that ever again,” you say. He finally looks at you. You channel all your sincerity into your gaze. “Even if I’m mad at you, I still love you. You’re my best friend.”

It takes a second for him to react. He gives you a small smile that looks awfully forced, then looks down at his lap. “I love you too,” he says. You don’t want to ruminate on how weird that felt, so you take the remote to resume the movie.

“Back to watching,” you say, leaning back into the couch.

Once you finish the movie, Beomgyu helps you clean the mess on the table, and the light mood persists. You’re glad that you didn’t ruin your friendship with Beomgyu, cause you only feel this comfortable and at ease with a select few people. When you go to bed, you almost cry thinking about your day. You knew that you were having a hard time, but you didn’t realize how hard it was until you got a slice of your normal life back.

A feeling aside from happiness grows in your chest too, something more reflective: you feel proud of yourself. It was hard setting your boundaries with Beomgyu, but you’re so glad you did. Even this one day serves as evidence that you made the right choice.

You can barely fall asleep because you’re so happy, but you have work tomorrow, so you force your eyes shut and wait impatiently to see what the day brings.

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

“How have you been?” Soobin asks as you seat yourself in front of him. The restaurant he chose is a warm, cozy one, which is a relief. You were worried that he might pick somewhere too fancy, because you had no time to change out of your office attire.

“I’ve actually been pretty good, how about you?” You’ve been looking forward to talking to Soobin again. Ever since he asked you to be his girlfriend, you’ve been itching to feel ready for the label. You won’t force it upon yourself, but you know you’ll be there soon. You’re once again reminded of how lucky you are that Soobin’s willing to wait for you.

“I’m good too,” he answers. You love his smile, you hope he never stops giving it to you. The two of you catch up a bit on life, talking about work and friends. He seems to have been busy this week.

The food at the restaurant is great, but that’s no surprise because Soobin always knows the best places in the city. The night passes quickly, and you find yourself walking back home all too soon. He accompanies you when you ask him to walk you to your apartment. You blamed it on how late it is, but it’s actually because you want more time with him.

“Are you free on Saturday?” Soobin asks, looking at you with hopeful eyes.

“For you, yes. What do you have in mind?” You want to hold his hand so bad, but you don’t know if you’re at that stage yet. You crave the weight of his hand in your own, swinging between the two of you. You want to lean into his side and engulf yourself in the brewing romance.

“I was wondering if you’d like to meet my friends? I’ve been talking about you a lot, and I know I promised you I’d introduce them.”

You light up at that, making sure to look up at him so he sees your grin. “That would be so fun.”

You’re thrilled at the idea that he talks about you with his friends a lot. Whew. Good thing you’re already outside, cause you need the fresh air. He’s everything you could ask for in a man.

“We’d be meeting at my place if that’s okay,” he says, sounding a little shy as he brings it up. You can’t hold yourself back now—you grab his hand and squeeze it excitedly.

“Of course! I’m dying to see your home. And your friends.” You can imagine the nerdy little decorations he might have lying around his place. You’d let him ramble about each and every little trinket for hours on end if he wanted to.

You’ve arrived at your street all too soon, finding yourself wanting to slow your steps to get a little more time with Soobin. “Thank you for taking me out today,” you say as you see your apartment come into view. You stop walking so that you can fully turn your body toward him. You just want one last good look before you’re off.

“Thanks for giving me the time,” he responds. His warm, sincere words always find the right way to strike your heart.

“I’ll see you Saturday, then.” You send him a parting smile, backing up a couple steps. “Good night, Soobin.”

“Good night.”

As you walk away, you have a revelation. Your body aches to run back to him, you feel like you’re missing something and you can’t quite end the night yet. There’s something that leaves you feeling only half fulfilled. There’s something more you crave.

You wanted to kiss Soobin. Your wish is left ungranted, lips tingling with the feeling of what could have been.

Your feet pause for just a second when the realization hits you again. You wanted to kiss Soobin. You wanted to feel his arms around you, wrapped in a hug that meant more than just a hug. You wanted to hold his face in your hands, feel the warmth of his skin beneath your palms. You wanted to kiss him.

Oh, your poor heart. Where do you store all this longing?

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

Saturday comes faster than you anticipate. You change into outfit after outfit, trying to find the perfect thing to wear. You don’t want to over dress, but you don’t want to look like you don’t care at all either. What do you even wear to a get together for a friend group you don’t know?

You settle on a cute dress that you bought while shopping with Chaewon some time ago. It’s modest enough to wear casually, but pretty enough to make you feel confident in it. You’ll have to wear tights to save your legs from the cold, but that’s okay. You move to your vanity so you can do your hair, looking at yourself in every angle in the mirror.

“Where are you headed?” The sudden voice startles you, and you turn around to see Beomgyu standing by your door. You didn’t even notice him enter your room. You wonder how long he’s been there.

You look back in the mirror, fixing your hair. “Just meeting some people,” you answer. Beomgyu steps closer to you, only stopping once there’s just a few inches separating you. You look at him through the mirror. His eyes trail down your body.

“Well, you look pretty.” He fixes the strap of your dress on your shoulder.

Your face heats up, and you forget what you were about to do. “Thank you.”

His hand trails down your arm and stops at your elbow, rubbing your skin. “Won’t you be cold?”

“I have a jacket. Plus, I’ll be indoors,” you answer.

He hums and nods. “Are you coming back tonight?”

“I think so. If not, then I’ll be at Soobin’s place.”

For the first time, Beomgyu has the decency to not make a face when you bring up Soobin. Instead, he looks away and lets out a heavy exhale. Well, improvement is improvement. You’ll take it.

“Who else will be there?” he asks.

“Some of his friends.” You see him tense a bit at your side from the information. A slight unease fills you, but you don’t let it consume your mood. Tonight will be fun. You can’t let anything ruin it already.

“Are they all guys?”

You pause for a second in thought. “I’m not sure.”

He looks down and shakes his head in disbelief. “So you’re going to his place with a bunch of random guys?”

You pucker your lips and look down, feeling like you’re getting scolded. Was this a bad decision? Maybe you should have done this at a public place. Beomgyu’s words worry you. Soobin’s not that kind of guy, though, and you’re sure his friends are just as great as he is. He’s thoughtful and always concerned about your feelings. You shouldn’t be nervous.

“I trust him,” you say, making Beomgyu scoff. “Gyu, please.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just… worried.” He meets your eyes in the mirror. He really does look worried. You realize that maybe it’s not selfishness driving his words this time, not the need to keep you to himself, but the need to make sure you’re safe. Your heart softens at that.

“I’ll be okay,” you promise, giving him a small smile. “I’ll call you if anything goes wrong.” He nods and stays quiet for a second.

“Where does he live?” Beomgyu asks. You freeze at his question, but he’s quick to explain, “So I know where to go if something happens.”

He means well, you’re sure, but you’re still wary about giving him Soobin’s address. Of course you understand his concern, but another part of you wonders what he’ll do with it if nothing happens. He doesn’t exactly have a great streak with Soobin.

Is this you being paranoid? You feel like you have a legitimate reason to be cautious, but you also feel bad for thinking about your best friend like he’s some freak that’ll show up to Soobin’s house for no reason.

“I’ll just share my location if it comes to that.” You hope he doesn’t feel offended.

“Let me walk you to his place at least,” Beomgyu pleads. You sigh, trying not to look at him and focusing on your appearance instead.

“Don’t be so worried. I’ll be back by ten. Does that make you happier?”

He doesn’t hide his smile. “You know it does. You should watch me play League when you get back.”

You roll your eyes. “Watch you get it on with your one true love?”

“Weirdo. I love more things than just League.”

“Like Overwatch?” That earns you a smack to the back of your head. “Hey! Careful with my hair!”

You catch a glimpse of the time when your phone lights up, and you realize you’ve been taking too long to get ready. Why does time only fly in the most inconvenient moments? You take one final glance at yourself, ignoring Beomgyu’s frame in the mirror beside you.

“You sure you don’t need me to walk you there?” Beomgyu asks. You turn to him with a smile, and it takes a surprising amount of effort to not go up and loop your hands around his neck. You can’t help but feel endeared by his cuteness. You stay quiet for a few seconds just to look into his eyes.

“I’m sure,” you finally answer. “I’ll see you in a few hours.” Beomgyu sits on your bed, and you wonder if that’s where he plans on staying while you’re out.

“Be safe,” he says as you’re heading out of your room.

You look over your shoulder with a grin. “No promises!” The flash of fear on his face makes you laugh. “I’m just kidding!”

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

You gather your breath as you stand before Soobin’s door, not wanting to knock until you’ve fully collected yourself. Your heart races in anticipation—well, also because you walked twice as fast as usual to get here, but mostly anticipation. Soobin seemed to get along with your friends, so you can assume that his friends should get along just fine with you too.

Finally, you tap your knuckles against the door, swaying on your feet as you wait for Soobin to emerge. It’s cold outside, the kind of cold where your breath fogs up with even the tiniest exhale, so you hope he’s quick to answer your knock.

You give Soobin a hug as soon as he opens the door. Part of it is to feed off some of his warmth, but most of it is because you’re excited to see him. His arms wrap around you to hold you close to him, and he doesn’t let go until you do.

“Are your friends here yet?” you ask when you pull away.

“Yes, they’re in the living room,” he answers. “Did you want a drink or anything?”

You shake your head. You’re too impatient to see his friends, wondering what kind of people he hangs out with. You follow him into the living room, and your eyes immediately fall on the two boys on the couch. It makes sense that his friend group is on the smaller side. They must be very close.

You wave and introduce yourself to his friends cheerfully. They do the same, and you learn that his friends are named Taehyun and Kai. Kai seems just as shy and endearingly awkward as Soobin, but Taehyun is pretty quick to open up to you. You find yourself talking to him a lot. You’re glad that you’re not the only chatty person here.

“So how’d you guys meet?” you eventually ask them, interested in how their friend group formed. The question makes Kai and Soobin laugh.

“I was friends with both of them before they knew each other,” Taehyun starts, leaning forward as he tells the story. “I had this match I wanted them to watch”—

“Match?” you interrupt, tilting your head.

“Yeah, I was really into boxing at the time.”

Your eyebrows shoot up at the information. That explains his muscular physique. You can’t imagine Soobin watching a boxing match, though. “Oh, boxing, wow.”

“Obviously I won the match, but that’s beside the point.”

“You did not win,” Soobin chimes in with an incredulous laugh.

“Yes I did! I literally won by knockout!” Taehyun defends.

“I still feel like the other guy got way more hits in than you,” Soobin says.

“I think you’re just still mad from what happened that night.” That piques your interest.

“Why? What happened?” you ask.

“He’s gonna tell it way more dramatically than it was,” Soobin warns.

“That’s probably true,” Kai chimes in.

“I’ll say exactly what happened,” Taehyun starts. “After my match, I went to Soobin and Kai, and we all got to talking. Eventually, I brought them to the practice rooms so I could show them some basic MMA moves.”

“After basically forcing us to!” Soobin exclaims. “I tried to say no!”

Taehyun starts laughing already, seemingly caught up in the memory. It puts a smile on your face as you wait for him to finish the story. “These guys start swinging with the weakest moves I’ve seen in my life,” he says through his laughter. “And I was trying to motivate them, but when I pushed the sandbag so it would swing toward Soobin, it hit him so hard it knocked him over.”

You cover your mouth with your hands, concealing your amusement and looking towards Soobin to gauge his reaction to the story. He wears a sheepish smile and leans his head down, rubbing his arm to ease his embarrassment. Taehyun’s still laughing his ass off when you look back at him.

Kai stands to Soobin’s defense, “He didn’t really get knocked over, he just stumbled back.”

“He did more than stumble back,” Taehyun says. “He had his arms swinging in circles to save himself and everything.” That image gets a chuckle out of you.

“So upon my first impression of Soobin, I could tell he was on the unathletic side. I kind of am too, though,” Kai says.

“Don’t worry, Soobin. I don’t think I’d fare any better in the MMA world,” you say.

“We can be the world class losers of boxing instead,” he jokes.

The night lives on with lots of laughter and snacks. You start playing card games at one point, to which they have to extensively explain the rules first, and you end up having more fun than you expected to have. Turns out you’re not too shabby of a Spades player.

Taehyun and Kai head out after a couple hours, saying goodbye to you and telling you that they hope to see you again soon. You actually enjoyed yourself a lot today, so you wouldn’t mind seeing them again either.

Once Soobin’s friends are out the door, it leaves just the two of you in his living room. You see Soobin yawning and stretching out in his chair. “Are you tired?” you ask. His sleepy nod makes you laugh a little.

“You can sleep on my bed if you want. I’ll take the couch,” Soobin offers. What a sweetheart. You must be smiling so stupidly, but you can’t help it. Your heart is a fickle thing.

“Thank you, but I promised Beomgyu I’d come back home tonight,” you say.

Soobin looks out the window. “It’s so dark out, though. And it’s freezing, your jacket won’t be enough. Your legs will be ice.”

“It’s okay, I’m good at handling the cold.” You aren’t really, but you don’t want him to worry. He frowns, looking down at your outfit.

“You didn’t have to dress up for me. I think you look pretty in everything. I’d love for you to dress warmly next time.” There’s a distinct hammering in your chest now. His compliment makes you weak in the knees.

He grabs your coat and delivers it to you. You thank him as you put it on, zipping it all the way up to prepare for the cold. You smile up at him in hopes that it eases his worries.

“Let me grab you a winter hat,” Soobin says, disappearing for a minute. He emerges once more with a beanie in hand, placing it on your head for you. “There. To keep your ears warm.”

“Thank you,” you say, looking down at yourself shyly. You’re not the type to get all flustered and quiet, but something about Soobin brings it out of you.

“Thanks for seeing me, and for meeting my friends.” You meet his eyes again when he says that.

“Of course. Today was fun,” you say. You stare at each other for a few long seconds as you linger by his door. You don’t really want to leave.

Soobin is every bit as handsome as ever, and suddenly it’s killing you that you’re not all over him. You want to grab his shoulders and pull him close, let your souls intertwine for just a few moments. You want to feel his breath on your face, you want his eyes on your lips and a yearning to stir inside him.

Your heart jumps, every thought in your head is filled with something about kissing Soobin. You’re so easily reduced to instincts when your mind is clouded like this. Your face is pulled by some unknown force closer and closer toward his face. Your eyelids flutter, and you tilt your head just slightly.

All to meet nothing.

“Not yet…” Soobin says, slowly retracting his face. You watch him back away from you, and the inches start to feel like miles. A sense of humiliation washes over you. Your face heats up. Why did you do that?

“I’m sorry,” you whisper, looking up at him apologetically. At least he doesn’t seem mad or upset—that would kill you.

He shakes his head and smiles. “Don’t be.” He presses his lips to your forehead. You reach for his hand, holding it so that you know he won’t try to leave. He accepts your touch easily, lacing your fingers together and staring into your eyes. There’s a warmth in there that makes you want to lean in and try to kiss him again, but your humility saves you from that.

“Can I ask, when will you be ready?” Your voice is meek, and a part of you almost fears his answer.

“Whenever you’re ready to call me your boyfriend,” he answers softly, simply. You nod, considering his words. Your gaze must be distant because you’re so deep in your thoughts, wondering if maybe you are ready now.

Does your heart stop at the idea of calling him yours because it entices you, or because it scares you? You don’t want to waste Soobin’s time standing here to contemplate it; you know you’re going to need more than a couple minutes to figure this out. No matter how much you want to, you can’t act on impulse with him—you want to foster a love that’s true and natural.

“I think I’ll have that answer soon,” you say.

“Don’t worry about it. You could take a year if you need.” His words are so effortless, and he really means it, which pushes your heart further towards a path alongside him.

“I’ll see you soon,” you say, blinking up at him sweetly with a small smile.

He squeezes your hands. “Soon can’t come soon enough.”

You giggle, then stand on your tippy toes to kiss his cheek. “As a goodbye present.” His blushing cheeks at your action serve as a goodbye present for you.

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

Something changed last night. Your mind can’t stray from Soobin for too long, wondering when you’ll see him next, what he’s doing right now, how his day has been. You feel a yearning unlike any kind you’ve felt before. Your girlish heart has become something weak, so prone to go haywire at the slightest thought of him.

More than anything else, you think of calling him yours. You think of how you’d be able to spend the night at his place, cuddling up to him and falling asleep in his arms. You think of how you could stare into his eyes and call him your boyfriend. You could lean in and kiss him whenever you wanted, you could let him call you sweet pet names.

You think you might be ready. You want to be Soobin’s girlfriend.

You’re freaking out, body buzzing as you pace around your room, waiting for Chaewon to pick up the phone.

“Heyyyyy,” her voice greets through the phone, and you finally stop pacing to focus on talking.

“I got huge Soobin news,” you say, getting straight to the point.

“Tell me!!!” she screeches.

“I think I’m gonna ask him to be my boyfriend next time I see him.” That earns you an even higher pitched screech.

“Shut the fuck up, I’m so excited! Oh my god. What happened?”

“I literally just can’t stop thinking about being in a relationship with him. It feels like I’m going through withdrawals whenever I’m not with him. He’s been wanting to put a label on us, but I’ve been pushing it off till now,” you explain.

“I’m so invested in this. You would be the cutest couple ever. I will gladly be your third wheel and take all your cute Instagram photos for you,” she rambles.

“So you think it’s a good idea?” Her approval is important to you, and you’re desperate for her to give you a little more confidence in this.

“Yes, do it. As long as you make me your maid of honor.”

You laugh, so relieved that Chaewon supports you in this. You hope Beomgyu takes it just as well, but of course that’s wishful thinking.

“What’s the right way to ask him? Should I be casual or go all out with some extravagant date night?” you ask.

“Come on, it’s you we’re talking about. Obviously you’re gonna go crazy with it.” You laugh because she’s totally right.

“I’m thinking a hotel by the sea and a rose petal path to the bed. And candles, like so many it’s a fire hazard.”

“Yes, and then those eat me panties,” she adds. You burst out laughing at the idea. “Body oil too probably.”

“Oh, you got the whole vision. You want me to record it for you too?” you tease.

“No need, I’ll be hiding in your suite’s closet.”

“Thrilling. I finally get to help you live out your voyeuristic dreams.”

“Right? It’s a win-win,” she says. “But anyway, how do you think Beomgyu’s gonna react?”

You hum in thought. “I don’t know, but we’ve pretty much gone back to normal over the past few days. He didn’t put up a huge fight when I went to Soobin’s last night.”

“Girl, hold up. You went to Soobin’s place?!”

“Yep.”

She’s quiet for a second. “Did he rock your world?” You smile and roll your eyes.

“We didn’t have sex, I just met his friends. They were very nice, by the way.”

She tsks. “I’m so mad, you missed out on such a perfect opportunity to sex him up.”

“Well, I’ll let you know when that happens.”

“Please do.”

“Anyway,” you say, getting back on track. “I’ll tell Beomgyu when he gets back from work. I don’t think I’ll be able to handle it if he gets all annoying about it. It’s actually pissing me off just imagining it.”

“Doesn’t matter, it’s not his life. You don’t even have to tell him,” Chaewon reasons.

“I mean, he’s my best friend, he should know. You and him are the two people I talk to about everything.”

“Yeah, but at this point you should be more focused on protecting your peace. What Beomgyu doesn’t know won’t hurt him.”

You know that Beomgyu would find out eventually, though, and then he’d be even more mad at you for not saying something sooner. Any peace you’d have would be very temporary and delicate.

Chaewon starts up again, “I honestly think you should tell him after you make things official. That way he can’t stop you from doing it.”

You hold back a groan, not wanting to weigh out the options. “He’ll be so upset if I don’t tell him first,” you say.

“Still. He knows he can make you halt those plans, and I don’t want you getting hurt again.” You frown, but it softens you to hear how much Chaewon cares about your feelings.

“I’ve got a few hours until he comes back to decide,” you say.

“Just know that I’m one hundred percent team ‘don’t tell him’. Up to you, though.”

“I’ll let you know. Anyway, I’m gonna go now. Going to rehearse this conversation in my head.” Chaewon laughs and says her goodbye, then you hang up.

You drop onto your bed with a sigh. You hope Beomgyu can keep being normal about Soobin, and a part of you really thinks he can, but what if he hates you after this? He might decide he doesn’t want anything to do with you if you’re going to be in a relationship with a guy that he hates. (Hates for no reason, but that’s not something you choose to dwell on today.)

Beomgyu should understand why you want a love life. You crave a second half, someone who will mold you into a better person and navigate the rest of your life with you. Soobin can soften your rough edges. He’s got all the patience and goodness of heart that you need in someone. You want to know that a kind of love exists that you have not yet felt, something deeper and more colorful than anything you know. You want Soobin’s eyes to melt you each time you look into them, each time you think of them. Your heart has grown tired of just being a beating thing; it needs to be lit aflame, to burn for someone, to love so hard it doesn’t fear ruin.

Do you need Beomgyu’s permission for that? Is it as if he’s some guard to your heart? No, but the threat of conflict from his disapproval unnerves you. You try thinking of the best way to break the news to him.

Some long-winded explanation where you pour out your heart would probably irritate him most. You’ll have to keep yourself from going off on tangents—the more you say, the more ammunition he has against you. It’s not like you have to defend your decision to him.

If you’re too broad or dismissive about it, he’ll assume you don’t care or you’re hiding something. His accusations peeve you like nothing else, so the more you can avoid that, the better.

Realistically, his reaction doesn’t depend on your wording, for the most part. It depends on how mature he is about you getting a boyfriend. If he can’t handle the idea, then it won’t matter how you break the news, he’ll freak out no matter what. If he can accept that you can have other men in your life, then he won’t give you a hard time about this.

All you can do is hope for the better outcome. You pray that Beomgyu has learned his lesson in maturity by now.

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

When you hear Beomgyu open the door, you rush down the hall to him. You’ve spent all day considering how to have the conversation about Soobin, and you’re excited to just get it over with now. The sooner this weight falls off your shoulders, the better.

“Hiii,” you greet as you watch him take off his coat and shoes.

“Hi. You hungry?” he asks. You shake your head.

“I had lunch an hour ago.” You notice he ordered food somewhere, which he just stuffs in the fridge.

“Do you wanna hang out with me and Yeonjun tomorrow night?” he asks. “We’re gonna watch some band perform at the common.”

“Depends how I feel after work.”

“Alright. You should definitely come though.” You don’t know how to respond to that, so you just don’t. You’ve got a different conversation on your mind anyway.

After a few seconds, Beomgyu starts walking off, but you call his name to stop him before he gets too far. He looks at you expectantly, raising his eyebrows.

“I wanted to talk about something,” you say. He remains still for a second, then carefully takes a few steps closer to you.

“Bad thing or good thing?” he asks.

You hesitate for a second. “Good thing.” You’re feeling nervous again, even though you know you shouldn’t be. Beomgyu’s been fine. He’ll survive if you tell him this.

“You don’t look like it’s a good thing,” he says. He must have caught on to your anxiety. Your fidgeting hands probably gave it away. You hold them behind your back so you stop fiddling with them. You breathe in as deeply as you can without making it too obvious that you’re calming your nerves.

“I just wanted to tell you that I’m going to ask Soobin to be my boyfriend.”

You wait for a reaction. He blinks. Is that a good sign? He’s still breathing, too. Okay, so the news didn’t kill him at least.

“You’re asking him to be your boyfriend?” he repeats, as if he didn’t hear you right the first time.

Fuck, why is your heart pounding so hard? “Yes.”

He sighs and averts his gaze, looking around for a few awkward seconds. You tighten your lips, not really knowing what to do now.

“Your boyfriend?” he asks again.

You give him a curt nod. “Yep.”

You see it flash in his eyes then, something that brings you back to all those times he made your life so difficult. He doesn’t even need to say anything for you to start feeling disappointed, that expression was more than enough.

“I tried backing off, but I just can’t do it anymore. You can’t do this,” he insists. Your head is going to explode. Not this again. Things were going so well.

“Stop. I don’t want to hear it,” you say, but you know he won’t listen.

“I can’t stand it. I hate thinking about how much you like him, how you kiss him, how he’s doing everything I could be doing,” he rambles.

“I’m not hearing this,” you dismiss as you start walking down the hall to your room. You feel Beomgyu’s presence loom behind you. He sure is determined. “Knock it off, Gyu.”

He pushes the door open when you try to close it, stepping in and facing your hard stare. Unsurprisingly, he doesn’t back off. You feel inclined to be stubborn and stand your ground too.

“You want me to change? You want me to be more like him?” he asks. There’s something unhinged in his expression. It’s like he’s losing his grip on his sanity. Fear creeps up your spine, but it doesn’t overshadow your frustration.

“No, I like you the way you are,” you answer.

“No you don’t. If you did, you wouldn’t need Soobin.” He sounds angry, you must have really bothered him this time. That’s okay. You’ll take this over his pity parties. It’s easier to fight fire with fire.

“I don’t need Soobin, I just like him,” you say.

“Then what’s wrong with me?” he counters. He’s really worked up this time, frustration radiating off of him.

“Nothing! You need to stop with this!” you exclaim. You’ve never had an argument like this with him, fueled by rage and nothing else. There’s no undertones of sadness or attempts to remain calm this time.

“Just tell me you hate me,” he says, stepping closer to you, invading your space. You meet his gaze, unwavering, even if you have to tilt your head up to challenge his stare.

“I don’t fucking hate you.” You cross your arms, not letting your guard down.

“Then prove it,” he says. You wonder if your eyes hold as much fire as his do right now. You refuse to back down. You refuse to lose this. He wants you to prove you don’t hate him? Fine.

You don’t let yourself think about it as you crash your lips onto his. You hold his head still, but it’s not like he was going to run away. He meets your lips with equal amounts passion and frustration. The kiss is nothing friendly or nice—it’s not soft and slow, not sweet, not the dreamlike kiss you’ve been waiting to have with Soobin. This feels less like a kiss and more like war.

You don’t hold yourself back, sucking and biting at his lips carelessly. Your fingers are pulling so hard at his hair that you know it has to hurt, but you don’t care. You hope it does. His hand is on your jaw, keeping you in place so he can lick into your mouth as he pleases.

You hope he tastes your anger on your lips. You hope your tongue feels bitter in his mouth, that it leaves burns in its wake. You hope this kiss will haunt him at night, that he’ll feel you lingering hours later, that he sees your face on his ceiling when he’s trying to fall asleep.

He can never settle for friendship. The simple life could have been so good if he accepted it. You were stupid to think he’d let things go back to normal and stay that way. You hate feeling so dumb. You hate being so easy.

“Is that what you fucking wanted?” you ask as you pull away from the kiss. You wipe your mouth to clear the saliva that collected there. He doesn’t answer, only pulling you in for another kiss, unforgiving and angry. Your teeth clash and he shoves his tongue into your mouth. He tangles his hands into your hair, pushing you deeper into the kiss.

You’ve never felt so angry at him in your life. You try to channel it all into the kiss, using more force than necessary. He should pay for doing this, for getting under your skin yet again.

He growls into your mouth—you guess he’s still angry too. Why should he be? You’re making out with him and no one else. If he wants to complain about that, then he must really be losing his mind.

You walk him backwards until he sits back on your bed, disconnecting your mouths so you can look down at him. His lips are swollen and coated with saliva. He’s hungry—starving—and can’t stand not touching you for even a second, so he grabs your hips and pulls you onto the bed with him.

There goes those walls you built up. There goes those weeks of putting in effort towards you and Soobin. You lose, again. Is this how it will always be with him? Was he playing the long game all along?

He knows you better than anyone. If anyone could figure out a way to set your life off course, it would be Beomgyu.

You have to get even with him. You have to stop taking everything lying down. You stare at him, who looks up at you like he’s waiting for your next move. Fucking prick. You’ll show him.

You shove his pants past his hips and pull his cock out to find him already fully hard. You’re not surprised. Precum oozes from his slit, leaking out on his tip. When you look up to see his face, he’s biting his lip in anticipation.

“Always need to have your fucking way, huh,” you say, squeezing the base of his cock. He throws his head back and moans, thrusting up into your fist. You let go of his dick to push his hips down with angry force. “Don’t you dare move.”

You spit into your hand and jerk his cock quickly, with little care as to how rough you are with him. You squeeze his length like you’re milking him, like you’re trying to get him to burst. If you can embarrass him and have him spilling all over himself in such a short amount of time, you’d feel on top of the world.

He’s thick and hot in your hand, but you don’t let it cloud your mind. You need to put him in his place. He doesn’t deserve a spot in the lustful crevices of your mind right now. This is about balancing the scale.

You keep your stare hard even as he cries and whimpers. You don’t let him see any reaction out of you, because the last thing you want is for him to take control of the situation again. At least like this, you feel like you’re not totally weak for him.

His hips jolt up and he gasps at your ministrations. He grabs onto your wrist, trying to pry you off.

“Behave,” your order, no room for compromise in your voice.

“Baby! Baby, stop, I’m gonna”—his sentence is cut off by a drawn-out moan. It’s like his body can’t decide whether to run away from your hand or rut into it.

“Fucking do it then,” you say through gritted teeth, fucking your fist over him faster. You spit onto his cock to lubricate it even more.

“No, not yet,” he pleads, breathing heavily. It’s cute watching him try to escape the feeling, but you won’t let him. You use your other hand to fondle his balls, and once you do that, he’s a goner. He’s spilling his seed onto your hand with his head thrown back and a loud cry. His hips stutter up into your fist, and his cock twitches in your hand. You feel a bit of a power high from that.

You slow down for only a few seconds before you’re pumping him wildly again. He looks at you with wide, helpless eyes. His body’s jolting with the shocks of overstimulation, and you can’t help but let out a laugh at that.

Beomgyu whimpers your name pathetically. His arms are shaking as they cling onto yours. You don’t relent, merciless as you try to coax another orgasm from him.

“It’s too much!” he cries, and you can even hear the shake in his voice.

“Take what I give you or I’ll leave,” you spit. “Do you want me to leave?”

“No! I can take it.” He pries his arms off you and keeps them at his sides, deciding he wants to be good and listen all of a sudden.

“That’s what I thought.” You twist your hand as it goes down on his length, squeezing harder. Your thumb swipes over his slit when it reaches the head of his cock. “Cum for me, dirty little puppy. Show me how filthy you are.”

As you command it, his orgasm crashes over him immediately. You watch in awe. It’s like he’s trained to follow your words. His hot cum lands on your hand yet again, and you continue jerking him until his high is over. You have to stop yourself from making him cum a third time, too addicted to his little sounds of pleasure.

“Thank you,” Beomgyu says breathlessly. You run your fingers through his hair with your clean hand.

“Looks like the dirty pup is good for something,” you coo condescendingly.

“I am good, let me show you. Sit on my face.” Before you can even respond, he’s already lying down and sticking his tongue out. You furrow your brows at his eagerness and decide to put his mouth to use a different way. Your cum-coated hand meets his tongue, and you let him lave at his mess all over you.

“Hm, guess your tongue is pretty good,” you say mindlessly as you watch him lick all his cum off you. When he finishes cleaning your hand, he sucks two of your fingers past his lips. You smirk and slowly fuck them in and out of his desperate mouth. He swirls his tongue around your digits, then licks up between them. He circles the tip of his tongue on the skin between your two fingers as if it was your clit. You wish it didn’t make your pussy throb.

You pull your fingers out of his mouth and spread them apart, admiring the strand of saliva that forms. You take off your bottoms and panties, and Beomgyu damn near starts panting in excitement.

“Yes, come sit on my face, let me taste your cunt,” he babbles, stars in his eyes. His excitement dies when your saliva-slickened fingers meet your core instead. You make sure he has a great view as you play with your pussy.

“You got me so nice and wet, thank you puppy.” Your voice is sweet, even if your motive is to torture him. You exaggerate your reactions to your touch, moaning extra loud when you circle your clit. Your other hand disappears under your shirt to play with your nipples. You bite your lip as you push your hips up into your hand.

Beomgyu sits up and watches you with a slackened jaw. He starts leaning in between your legs, and you push him away with a foot to his chest.

“Uh-uh, you can’t touch,” you tell him.

“But look! My fingers are longer and thicker than yours,” he says, holding out his hand. You roll your hips up into your hand, remembering the way his fingers felt inside you. You slip two fingers into your cunt to make up for the sudden emptiness you feel.

You fuck yourself with vigor, pistoning your fingers into you, putting on a good show for your best friend. You want him to think you’re not some weak girl who folds for his touch every time. Even though your body yearns for Beomgyu to take care of you, you have to make a point to him.

You get so lost in the feeling of your own fingers that you stop looking at Beomgyu, focusing entirely on the pleasure taking over. That was clearly a mistake, because suddenly you feel two of his fingers entering your pussy alongside your own. You cry out at the sensation, body shaking at the stretch.

It’s hard to move your hand now, but Beomgyu seems to find a way perfectly fine. “B-bad boy,” you scold, but your voice is so shaky that it holds no real bite. When he aims his fingers up, it forces your own to sit snug against your g-spot, resting there as Beomgyu jackhammers into you.

“See? Feels good,” he says. With his other hand, he rubs at your clit viciously, needing to please you more than you can please yourself. “This is so much better, right?”

Your body is buzzing, and you can’t even respond to him. Your mouth hangs open stupidly as he pulls moan after moan from you. A foreign pressure starts building inside of you, more intense than anything you’ve felt before. Your eyes widen and you try to pull your hips away, but Beomgyu’s determined.

“P-puppy, it feels different,” you manage to stutter out. His breath hitches and he connects his mouth to your inner thigh to kiss it. He doesn’t stop his ministrations—if anything, your words encourage him to go even harder.

“You’re gonna squirt for me?” he says with astonishment, and you feel his grin growing against your thigh. It’s blinding, the way the pleasure is consuming you. His hands are wild, working at you without mercy to bring you over the edge. It’s like he needs this more than you.

“I’m—nngh, oh god,” you stammer, body twitching away, but Beomgyu’s so desperate to see you fall apart that he doesn’t let you stray from the feeling for even a second. The pressure snaps and you cry out, legs kicking out as you release all over him. You feel your juices squirting out of you, and if you were in your right mind, you would’ve been embarrassed at how much seems to leak out.

Beomgyu loves it, lapping up what spills onto his wrist and your thighs. You’re shaking uncontrollably, immediately pulling your hand from your center once Beomgyu draws back. You focus more on gathering your breath after that orgasm than on Beomgyu’s tongue licking every inch of your thighs.

You flinch when his tongue finds your pussy, too sensitive to take anymore. You push his head away and sit up, snapping your legs shut. He pouts, but sits up as well.

“Was that good?” he asks, biting down a smile. He leans in like he really wants to know your answer.

You press your palms into your eyes like you’re relieving a headache. Rationality comes back to you, but there’s no point in yelling at him now. You’re the one who shoved your hand down his pants.

“You really don’t want me dating Soobin, huh?” You feel more exhausted than angry now.

“I’ll do so much worse if you make him your boyfriend,” he says.

You blink at him. Is that some kind of threat? “What do you mean?”

“Just don’t be with him and you won’t have to find out.” You don’t have it in you to fight him. If it was this easy for you to fall back on your word and get intimate with Beomgyu again, you might as well hold off on the boyfriend label anyway. Maybe you weren’t as ready as you thought you were.

“You can leave my room now,” you say, leaning your head against your pillow. You’ll probably spend the next hour contemplating everything you’ve been through in the past month. He doesn’t need to be there for that.

“Nah.” He lays down beside you. You inhale slowly, gathering the control to not push him off the mattress.

“Whatever.” You’ll just have your mini crisis with him next to you. It doesn’t even matter.

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

To your surprise, you don’t feel completely miserable the next day. Of course, you go throughout the day feeling awful about ruining your chance to be with Soobin any time soon and angry at yourself for touching Beomgyu again, but besides that you’re feeling normal.

You wish your work day would have lasted a little longer—something you never thought you’d hope for—because when you get home and see Beomgyu on the couch, you’re already feeling annoyed. You were doing so good before yesterday. Seeing him is just a reminder of how much you screwed up.

He seems as giddy as he could ever be when you approach him on the couch. You grab a blanket and curl yourself into his side wordlessly, just wanting his warmth. He accepts it gratefully, throwing an arm over you and getting you comfortable.

You can’t even really feel upset. You’re familiar with this cycle already: Beomgyu will bitch about Soobin to you, you’ll get each other off, you’ll argue some more, then you’ll hang out like nothing happened. You put yourself back in this situation, so you spare yourself the pity.

“I’m so glad we’re back to this. It was killing me to not hold you all those days,” Beomgyu says before pressing a kiss against the crown of your head. “I don’t want you to be upset anymore.”

“I’m not upset,” you say flatly.

“I want you to be happy. I’m really happy now.” You only hum in acknowledgement. You don’t really have anything to say to that.

Some time passes in which you and Beomgyu watch television, except you’re mostly going on your phone and Beomgyu’s halfway to falling asleep. You get a notification from Soobin, making you freeze for a moment.

[Soobin] We should meet up tonight if you’re available :)

Beomgyu reads the text over your shoulder. “You better not say yes.” You flinch and back away from him, clutching your phone to your chest.

“Why not?” you ask.

“Cause you said you’d go with me and Yeonjun to the concert!” he whines.

“I didn’t say I was gonna go with you and Yeonjun,” you counter. The entitlement is crazy.

“I asked you first though. If you feel fine enough to hang out with Soobin, why can’t you hang out with me?” he asks.

“What have we been doing for the past hour?”

“That doesn’t count! We live with each other, we have to hang out at home.”

“Wow, ungrateful. You should thank the universe for each second you get to spend with me, home or not.”

“I do. I can show you how grateful I am too, if you want.” You roll your eyes at his suggestion.

“I think I’m okay,” you say. When you lift your phone back up, Beomgyu takes it from your hand and tosses it gently onto the floor. You watch it land a few feet away from you. You don’t feel like getting up to grab it, so you let the device stay where it is. You settle with insulting him instead, “You suck.”

“I don’t want you to hang out with him tonight,” he complains with a pout. “I want my best friend.”

“Gyu, you’ll live.” What a flair for the dramatics he has.

“Just this once, please,” he begs. “You know you’re going to feel guilty and awkward hanging out with Soobin after what we did yesterday anyway.”

Shit. You hate it when he’s right.

You sigh, “Fine.” You’re enveloped in his embrace immediately, face smushed into his chest as he cheers in victory. “This better be the best band I see perform in my life.”

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

The concert is pretty mediocre. The band consists of some grungy college-aged boys who sing about being depressed and cheating on girls. Not quite your music of choice, but you enjoy your time as much as you can nonetheless.

Beomgyu’s arm stays slumped over your shoulders pretty much the entire time. For warmth reasons, you don’t complain, but it is pretty embarrassing to see Yeonjun looking at the two of you weirdly from time to time. He must be able to sense that something’s off between you.

Beomgyu splits off at some point to buy a water bottle somewhere, and you’re left alone to talk to Yeonjun. He doesn’t even spare you a glance at first, which makes you think he might be having a bad day.

“You like this band?” you ask him, breaking the silence. You’re confused why he glares at you when he finally turns his head your way.

“You like Beomgyu?” he retorts, voice filled with some weird scorn.

“Woah, what?”

“Aren’t you dating Soobin? Why are you letting Beomgyu touch you?”

You have no clue where this is coming from. Beomgyu must have been talking to Yeonjun about the things you two did together. “Did Beomgyu say something to you?”

“Yeah,” Yeonjun says. “He’s been telling me all about how you’re sleeping with him while seeing Soobin.”

That motherfucker. He’s bragging about banging you to other guys? You’re nearly seeing red, but you keep your composure so you don’t look crazy in front of Yeonjun. “Soobin and I aren’t exclusive,” you defend.

Yeonjun gives you a humorless laugh. “Would you be happy if Soobin was fucking other girls right now?”

The thought puts a bitter taste in your mouth. “I wouldn’t like it, but I”—

“Don’t lie. You’d cry your heart out.” Yeonjun levels you with a knowing stare. You meet it, unwavering, but you know he’s right.

“You don’t know the whole story. I tried putting a stop to it,” you say.

“And what? You relapsed like he’s some drug? You need to get real.”

You want to be mad, but what’s the point? You’re getting reality checked, and it burns, but maybe Yeonjun’s right.

“Beomgyu puts up a fight every time I talk about Soobin. He won’t let me be.” You feel defensive, like you have to prove you’re not totally at fault.

“So you let him down easy with some pussy?” he asks with sizable disappointment in his voice. God, this is embarrassing.

“You don’t get it.” It’s not like you didn’t say no to him before. You tried removing yourself from the room, you tried telling him this can’t happen, you tried everything except leaving him. It doesn’t work.

“I don’t have to get it. You should do better.” The conversation ends at that, his words left to linger in your mind.

You stand silently beside Yeonjun and stare blankly at the band on the stage. Time has got to move a little faster. You pray Beomgyu doesn’t take much longer getting back.

When he does come back, you don’t let him cling to you like a magnet. He looks at you a little weird for rejecting his arm around you, but he doesn’t say anything until you get in his car.

“Are you okay? You seem kinda pissed.” His question only serves to irritate you further.

“You told Yeonjun that we sleep with each other?” You don’t hide the anger from your voice. He looks at you with wide eyes. Clearly he knows he fucked up. “I never once let you put your dick in me.”

Beomgyu breathes out slowly, then pouts his lips and taps awkwardly on the steering wheel. You allow him his minute of shameful silence before starting up again, “Do you just not respect me? I doubt you told him what exactly led to this.”

He still doesn’t look at you. He can try all the cute, pitiful tactics he wants, you’re not falling for it this time.

“I’m sorry,” he mutters, head down like he’s hating his life right now. Good, you hope he is.

“If you’re really sorry then you’ll stop doing anything more than platonic with me.” He looks at you with upturned brows and scared eyes. It’s as if you spoke his worst fear into reality.

“No, I’ll tell Yeonjun I lied, I promise,” he pleads.

“Why? You didn’t lie. I’m just some whore you get to brag about, right?”

“No! I lied, I was wrong, I should have never opened my mouth to Yeonjun. I’m stupid.” Ugh, you can’t take his self-pity.

“We’re never crossing that line again. I was stupid. I’m actually glad Yeonjun gave me that reality check.”

“I’m sorry. We don’t have to stop, I’ll just shut my mouth about it now,” he says.

“I don’t want to risk ruining everything anymore.” He has nothing to say to that. It’s eerily quiet for a moment. “Can you bring us home now?”

He puts the car in drive. The ride is silent the whole way home.

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

The longest week of your life passes by, in which you barely hang out with Beomgyu, barely see Soobin, and barely talk to anyone. You consider it to be a reset week for you, trying to detach yourself from everyone else to focus on finding out what you want. With so many complicated relationships in your life, you need plenty of time to think this through.

You spend a lot of nights considering what exactly you want from Beomgyu and Soobin. You weigh all your thoughts out and philosophize them, waiting for something to click and show you all the answers. What you learn instead is that no amount of contemplation is going to clear things up for you completely.

When looking at it honestly, your life has been a mess of ups and downs since meeting Soobin. It’s not his fault at all—actually, when you try to pin the blame on someone, the dart lands like a bullseye on your own face. And it’s not that Soobin is a bad influence on your life, making you do all these stupid things; instead, it’s that you have no willpower when it comes to Beomgyu.

So, do you end things with Soobin? You rack your brain for a smart answer, but it’s hard to even think anything after forming that sentence. A pit of emptiness forms in your chest instead, and avoiding that uncomfortable feeling is within your own self-interest.

You itch to call Chaewon more times than you can count, but you don’t let yourself give in. You want this to be something you tackle without the influence of anyone else. You already know how Chaewon would tell you to solve this, anyway.

A couple nights throughout the week, Beomgyu has knocked on your door, and neither time did you let him in. Out of everyone you know, he has the biggest influence on you. Your rational mind is thrown out the window when it comes to him. You don’t think that’s something you can stop or control.

He texts you and makes sure you’re okay, which you’re grateful for. You still eat dinner with him, and you even let yourself indulge in one movie night, but you’re trying to keep your distance so you can keep your head clear.

You’re at a mental standstill, looking down a multitude of paths that have no clear end. You could move in with Chaewon and make Soobin your boyfriend. You could end things with Soobin and see if you can go back to normal with Beomgyu. You could do nothing and give up your hand in this game.

You feel like you’re finding a new law of arithmetic trying to decide what to do next. You’re not the thinking type—clearly, as if the past couple months haven’t been proof enough—so you earn no insight and all headache from this.

Go you, trying to be independent and figure out your life on your own. Look where that got you, huddled up in your bedroom and even more depressed than before. You need a drink.

Matter of fact—

Wanna go to a bar?

You don’t even have to wait a minute for Chaewon’s response. ‘Bar’ to her is exactly what ‘squirrel’ is to dogs.

[Chaewon] You already know my answer. I’m getting ready right nowwww

No boy talk or I’m ending my shit in front of you

You need one night to just let loose and stop thinking. You’ve had enough of deliberating upon the men in your life this week.

[Chaewon] Oh you need those drinks bad

[Chaewon] Okay noted

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

You don’t expect to be interrogated as soon as you open the door to your apartment the next morning, but Beomgyu’s insistent prying serves as a lovely pairing with your massive hangover.

“Where were you last night?” he asks before you can even open the door all the way. You’re too busy adjusting to how bright the room is to process his question at first. You squint to save your eyeballs as much as you can. You walk right into Beomgyu when you try to properly enter the room. He holds your waist to steady your balance. “Are you drunk?” he asks.

You shake your head and instantly regret it, since it makes it feel like your brain is sloshing around inside your skull. “Hungover.”

“You didn’t tell me you were going out,” he says. He doesn’t sound mad or accusatory, but it still irritates you because you don’t want to deal with this right now.

“Didn’t realize I had to.”

“You always do when you go out drinking,” he reasons.

You sigh, “Yeah, well, I didn’t this time.”

He scrunches your brows as he takes in your tone. “Are you mad at me or something?”

You rub your eyes. You need to bury your head under your pillow, this light is killing you, and this conversation needs to be over with. “I’m not mad at you.”

He’s quiet for a second. “I feel like you are.”

“Okay. Have fun feeling like that.” You open one of the cabinets to look for some medicine.

“See? You’re talking to me like you’re mad at me. What did I do?” All your patience leaves you at that. You don’t want to be doing this right now.

You place the pill bottle onto the counter with more force than necessary and turn around abruptly to face Beomgyu. “I’m hungover. I don’t want to talk. Take a hint.”

He blinks at you stupidly, and it just annoys you more. You scoff and turn your attention back to the medicine.

“Were you with Soobin?” he asks, breaking the ten seconds of peace and quiet he allowed you.

You groan. “Does it matter? I could have fucked Soobin last night and it still wouldn’t be any of your concern.”

“Did you fuck Soobin last night?” he asks urgently now that you planted the thought in his head. You swallow your pills in place of answering him. He holds onto your arm to stop you from leaving when you try to walk past him. “Did you??”

“What if I did? Do you think you have any right to tell me anything about it?” You didn’t, obviously, but at this point you’ll say anything to get him to stop talking.

His jaw clenches and he tightens his lips, but you don’t give a damn what displays of anger he gives you. He could pull his arm back and get ready to punch you and you still wouldn’t waver. You raise your eyebrows, waiting for his answer.

“I just—I don’t get—You’re not even…” He sure is having trouble finding his words. Some defense he’s got built up.

“Interesting.” You turn, ready to storm off to your room, but he stops you once again.

His hands stay clung to your shoulders, not even blinking as he turns you back toward him. “Please just tell me who you went out with.” He almost reeks of desperation.

You’re annoyed and you don’t owe him shit, so you don’t open your mouth to give him a response. You shrug with a straight face.

He whines and leans his head down onto your shoulder like you’ve just stabbed him in the gut. You roll your eyes. He always has to be the victim. You might just trudge to your room with him clinging onto you if he doesn’t give this up. You’ll get to your bed one way or another.

“What did I do? I’m so sorry. Why are you so mad at me?” he says, voice breaking like he’s holding back tears. He nuzzles further into your shoulder.

“Gyu, I swear, I’m just tired and my head hurts. You had nothing to do with this until five minutes ago. So please get off of me.” You push against him to try to pry him away, but he locks his arms around you. You sigh deeply, accepting his embrace because it’s not like you can run from it. You wait until enough time has passed where it’s safe for you to pull away without him freaking out.

“So you’re not mad at me?” he asks, giving you those sweet puppy eyes that you’d melt over any other time. Unfortunately, you’re still pissy and in need of rest, so you don’t coddle Beomgyu like you know he wants you to.

“No.” His lips tilt up just slightly at that. He wipes his eyes dramatically.

“Can I lay down with you then?” he asks, eyes carrying all his hope.

You shouldn’t, but you don’t want to deal with his moping if you don’t let him. “If you stay quiet and keep your distance.”

You’re already walking to your room when you hear him start complaining, “Keep my distance!?” You don’t stop to respond. Now that you have your sight on your bed, nothing could stop you from getting wrapped up in your blankets.

You fall against the mattress with a groan, smushing your head into your pillow. You register the bed dip next to you with Beomgyu’s weight, and you’re half-surprised that he allows you a respectable amount of space. A good five minutes pass in which you nearly fall asleep just listening to yours and Beomgyu’s breathing. Silence is always fleeting with Beomgyu, though, and it’s not long until he has to break it.

“I’m sorry, I can’t stop thinking about this. Did you seriously… sleep with Soobin?” Beomgyu asks in a quiet voice, words coming out hesitantly like he’s almost scared to ask.

You sigh, turning your head so you’re facing him instead of being buried in a pillow. You blink slowly, still wanting to fall asleep. He’s pouting and looks like he feels bad for even asking. Luckily for him, most of your annoyance evaporated from you the moment you laid down.

“No, I didn’t. It was just me and Chaewon,” you answer. You let your eyes flutter shut again, assuming the conversation would be over now.

Nope. “Why didn’t you tell me that earlier then?” You contemplate pretending to be asleep so that you don’t have to respond anymore, but you feel his arm wrap around your waist and you have to shove it off. There goes that idea. “And why can’t I hold you anymore?” he asks.

“Because of what we talked about after the concert.” Your eyes are still closed, but you bet he does something sassy in response like roll his eyes or curl his lips down.

“Well I think that’s stupid,” he says. You open your eyes to make sure he sees it when you scowl at him.

“You’re free to leave my room if you don’t want to respect my rules.”

“Putting rules on our friendship is so ridiculous,” he argues. “We have literally always been touchy with each other. Soobin can go cry about it if he thinks there’s a problem with that. Why should we change for him?”

“It’s me who’s putting these rules down, he never told me to do anything. It’s not just because of him, either.” Your head threatens to start pounding again.

“What else would it be for?”

“Us? Do you not worry that we’ll go too far and never be able to go back?” you ask incredulously, like the reasoning should be obvious. He must not fear losing this friendship the way you do.

“No, because I know nothing could break the bond between us.”

“Hooking up does. Don’t you see how much we’ve changed already? For the worse?” He’d be blind to deny that much.

“Hooking up didn’t change us, Soobin did,” he counters. He’s not holding anything back, overflowing with audacity today.

“I would have told you to stop with or without Soobin in my life.” Because you actually care about preserving your friendship. You know that a lifetime of shared memories is better than twenty minutes of sexual gratification.

“And you think this time will be any different from the last hundred times? You keep saying this is going to end, and then it doesn’t.”

“But I mean it this time,” you say with full confidence.

“You say that every time.”

“Then how about you make it easier for me and stop trying to get with me? It might make things easier if you actually fucking respected it when I try to lay down boundaries.”

“Or you can just say no to me, unless I’m that irresistible,” he snides. Is he serious? Does he think you’ve never tried to say no?

“Fuck you.” You turn away from him, done with this conversation. He doesn’t leave your bed, but he does keep his distance. Either he’s pissed off now too, or you’ve finally convinced him to respect you. Your bet’s on the former.

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

You’re getting ready to go out, wanting to spend your Sunday with Soobin. You haven’t seen him in a while, and you feel like you need this to clarify things for yourself. You aren’t supposed to meet him until later today, but you’re planning on running some errands first, and you might as well get ready now so you don’t have to rush to do it later.

The sounds of you roaming around your room seem to beckon Beomgyu over. He walks up to you with a soft smile on his face. “Heading out?” he asks.

“I am,” you confirm. You stop struggling with the necklace you were trying to put on and hand it to Beomgyu instead. You might as well make use of his presence. “Can you put this on for me?” You pull your hair off your neck to make it easier for him.

He’s able to secure the clasp much faster than you. He pats your shoulder when you’re all set, and you put your hair back down.

He’s quiet for a few seconds before he speaks up again, “I’m sorry for arguing with you yesterday.” He looks bashful as the apology rolls off his tongue.

You weren’t expecting that. You guys don’t really apologize to each other over small arguments, you just move on. You turn to face him so he can see your honesty. “It’s okay. I’m sorry I snapped at you.”

He laughs. “I deserved it.”

You shake your head. “No you didn’t.”

You two smile at each other, and it’s times like this where life feels a little simpler. It’s surreal that you share your own little section of the world together, and that you still get to have these bonding moments years after meeting.

“I’m glad that I have you in my life,” you say. “Even when I’m hungover and annoyed at you.”

His response comes in the form of a giggle and a squeeze of your hand. You allow it, letting him be sentimental.

“Okay, I need to continue with my makeup now,” you say, pulling away to rummage through your products and find your eyelash curler. Beomgyu lingers behind you, just watching.

“This skirt is really cute,” Beomgyu says, pinching the fabric of it.

“Thanks, I thrifted it.” He hums and nods in response. A minute passes in which he silently observes you.

“You doll yourself up a lot when you go out with Soobin.” You slowly turn to face him, not understanding the point of his statement.

“Is that a problem?” you ask. You didn’t even tell him you were going out with Soobin.

“No. You look good.” You hum and pull out mascara from your vanity’s drawer. You lean forward as you apply it to your lashes, trying your best to ignore Beomgyu’s stare.

A part of you is admittedly confused that Beomgyu isn’t trying to stop you from leaving or fighting with you about seeing Soobin. Just now, he was actually the most collected you’ve ever seen him be when it comes to Soobin. You don’t want to jinx it, so you try to shift your thoughts somewhere else.

You and Soobin are going to the vintage market later, since you found out that you both share a love for vintage things. (For him, it’s old gaming systems and figurines, and for you, it’s clothes and home decor.) You’re thinking about trying to convince him to get dinner with you too, but that might be pushing your luck. You know he had some errands to run today too.

“Those are nice,” Beomgyu says. You don’t know what he means until you see in the mirror where he’s looking. You widen your eyes and straighten your posture immediately. Bent over the vanity like that, your panties were on full display under your skirt. And to think you were sharing a sentimental moment just a few minutes ago!

You scowl at him. “Thanks for staring, creep.” You shove your mascara back in the drawer.

“I’m sure Soobin would love them,” he says. You pause as you register his words. You’re not sure what his goal is, or why he suddenly switched up so much. You decide it’s best to not add fuel to the fire and just keep your mouth closed.

Beomgyu’s all fire though, and needs no fuel to keep going. “Your makeup’s really pretty too. You look like an angel.”

“What are you trying to do?” you ask, voice full of suspicion. Even in his tone, you can hear his ulterior motives.

He comes closer to you with a grin, leaning his head on your shoulder and locking eyes with you in the mirror. He wraps his arms around your waist, and you feel a bit overwhelmed by his presence.

“I know you worked so hard getting pretty, but I don’t really think you should go out today… It’s windy, and you’ll be so, so cold in this…” He slowly pulls the thin strap of your top off your shoulder until it falls limp around your arm. His finger lightly traces the skin he revealed.

You’re not so curious what Beomgyu’s intentions are anymore. They’re pretty easy to guess now. “I’ll be fine,” you say.

He pouts, continuing to trace little swirls onto your skin. “You’ll get sick,” he adds.

“That’s not what you actually care about,” you say.

“I do though.” He places a kiss on your neck as if to show his earnestness.

“Beomgyu—no, this is too much.” You try pushing him off, but it’s as if he doesn’t feel your efforts at all. You give up after the second attempt.

“You should stay home with me so I don’t have to worry about you all day.” He stares at your side profile and brushes your hair back. He places another tender kiss on your neck, higher up this time. You try to fight any heat rising in your body from the action.

“Stop this,” you say, but it doesn’t sound so confident with how your voice shakes. You turn your head to look him in the eye. He just smiles up at you from where his head still leans on your shoulder. You hold back a gasp when his finger stops tracing lines on your skin and hooks under your bra strap instead, just barely starting to pull that aside too.

You’re so flustered by his finger slowly inching your bra strap down that you barely notice when his lips are back on your neck, attached to your pulse point like your heartbeat was calling for him.

“Y-you told me I could say no to you,” you remind him as his lips continue their slow descent down your neck.

“Yeah, if you actually meant it.” He places one last kiss to your skin, then props his head back on your shoulder to look into your eyes through the mirror. He smiles as if he likes what he finds; you must look as confused and malleable as you feel.

“You lied,” you say quietly, as if it’s a revelation to yourself and not a response to him.

“I didn’t. I’m just obsessed with pleasing you.” He runs his hands down your sides soothingly, then prompts you to bend with a gentle hand on your back.

“Beomgyu!” you squeak, fighting against the hand that beckons you down. You hold on tight to the edge of the vanity to keep your body up.

“Stop thinking. Let me take care of you.” His voice is so soft and coaxing, and you feel a sizable sense of shame hit you when arousal oozes from your cunt. An even greater amount of shame finds you when your arms shake and eventually give, letting Beomgyu ease you down until you’re bent over the vanity.

“We really can’t do this.” It might be too late to keep fighting, but you don’t want to suffer the consequences of this all over again.

“Shhh, baby,” he whispers as his hand travels down your back and settles on your hip, massaging the area.

Oh god. This is so bad. You’re supposed to be hanging out with Soobin in a few hours. You can’t do this right now.

“Gyu”—

“It’s okay,” he soothes. “Stop shaking, why are you so nervous?”

“I’m supposed to see Soobin today!” you squeak. He tsks.

“Didn’t I tell you to stop thinking?” A warm hand trails up your thigh. He doesn’t go under your skirt, he stays well enough away from your center, but something about his touch is still making your head spin. No one can make you lose reasonability like Beomgyu can.

You whine, and you don’t know if it’s out of defeat or out of need. You blink a tear from your eyes and follow Beomgyu’s advice: you stop thinking.

“Gyu…” You don’t even know what you’re calling him for. You hide your face in your arms so you don’t have to watch your reflection give up her fight.

“Yes, baby?” Your hips push out in search for his touch before you can stop yourself. Tears of shame pool in your eyes, and you're glad Beomgyu can’t see your face to coddle you for that. “You need something?”

You don’t respond. It’s embarrassing how bad you need his touch, but you can’t bring yourself to say it out loud. A part of you wishes he’d leave you here like this so you could take care of your needs yourself.

He flips your skirt up with a careful hand, and you keep as still as possible. You try not to even breathe too hard. “You’re wet,” he says. “Want me to help you?”

What’s the point of asking? He went this far already. “No,” you say, and half of the reason is just to test if he’ll do it anyway.

“But you need me,” he says, brushing your hair out of your face and turning your head to him with his fingers on your chin. He looks at you like you’re a deer caught in a bear trap, like he’s being merciful to offer his help. You feel powerless when he looks at you like that.

His pitiful stare just makes you blink more tears out of your eyes, and you’d hide your face if you could, but he insists on keeping your head tilted towards him. He coos when the wet trails reach your cheeks, bringing a thumb up to wipe your tears.

“Do you wanna feel better?” he asks, continuing to spoil you with tender touches. He grabs your hand and lifts it to his lips to kiss your knuckles. You feel every bit the deer caught in the trap—Beomgyu’s got you in his claws now.

“I don’t know,” you say, pouting up at him.

“It’s okay. I’ll help you. Just tell me when to stop…” The light press of his fingertip against your clothed core makes you sigh, tension melting from your body. You close your eyes, shutting off your brain and relaxing into the feeling.

“That’s right, it feels so good, doesn’t it?” He circles your clit, keeping his touch feather-light. Even that much drives you crazy and makes your legs tremble. “Can I take these off?” His finger moves from your clit to hook beneath the hem of your panties.

“Please,” you say. He kisses your shoulder blade in appreciation.

“What nice manners.” Your panties are slowly peeled off of you until they hit the floor. The cold air hits your wet folds, making you shiver in anticipation.

“Fuck,” Beomgyu utters as he stares at your pussy. He brings a hand down and starts rubbing your clit, leaving you a gasping and mewling mess already. “I missed this cunt. God, you haunted me. You tortured me.”

He attaches his mouth to your neck, kissing down to your shoulder. You cry out when his tongue meets your skin, licking and nipping at whatever skin he has access to. You clench around nothing, making more arousal drip out of you. Beomgyu coats his fingers in the slickness and continues drawing tight circles onto your clit.

“Beomgyu!” you yelp out when he speeds up. He places a parting peck onto your jaw before leaning away to look at your face. He smiles down at you.

“You need something inside that wet little cunt? Are you aching for my fingers?” His words make you feel lightheaded. You’re already having trouble thinking clearly, but now with that thought in your mind, you’re a goner.

“Yes, I need you!” He’s quick to give you what you want, sinking two fingers in with ease. You’re left crying and panting as he fucks his digits into you, filthy sounds filling the room.

“You’re so hot,” he praises, pulling your head up with his fist in your hair. You’re forced to stare at your own reflection, met with an image of you that looks so unfamiliar. Your mouth is hung open, spilling out moans and cries as Beomgyu’s fingers continue ramming into you. Your makeup is smudged and no longer suitable to go out in. The strap of your shirt and bra still hangs limp on your arm, and that side of your neck is coated in Beomgyu’s saliva.

“I look like a slut,” you say, pouting only for a second before your mouth is forced open again around a whine.

“You look beautiful.” His fingers curl into you, searching for the spot that will have your eyes rolling back. Your legs tremble when he finds it, and you have to rebalance yourself, clutching onto the vanity to keep yourself up.

“There! Oh, god, Gyu!” His mouth is back on your throat, hot and wet as he sucks and tastes and kisses. He nibbles on your jaw, then moves up to breathe into your ear.

“Let me fuck you, let me fill you up,” he whispers. You clench around his fingers at the thought. He stills inside you and you whine. “Baby.” He holds your face so you’ll look at him. He presses a quick kiss to your lips. You’re too far gone to complain. “You need more, right? You need my dick inside you?”

He curls his fingers inside you once more, and your back arches at the sensation. You try not to get too heady at the idea of him splitting you with his cock. That’s the one thing that absolutely cannot happen, so you can’t let yourself give in to that.

“Tell me, or else you won’t cum at all,” he says, rubbing his fingers inside you so perfectly it leaves your legs shaking.

“No, please!” you exclaim, panicked at the prospect of him leaving you on the edge. Your frantic hands are quick to play with your clit and squeeze your tits, trying to get yourself off while his fingers are still inside of you.

“Are you gonna let me fuck you today?” he asks, moving his fingers slower so you won’t cum. You pout and push your hips toward him, but a strong hand of his retaliates and keeps you still.

“We can’t,” you say. Immediately, he pulls his fingers out of you. He slaps your pussy, making you yelp and shut your legs. He pries them back open and slaps you again, harder this time. His fingers collect your wetness and tease your entrance, but never slip back inside.

“Did my slut already give it up to Soobin? Because that would really piss me off,” he says, staring meanly at you as he waits for your answer.

“No! We never did anything together,” you answer, the truth leaving you easily when you’re so desperate for his touch. He huffs out a laugh.

“That’s right. You know you’re mine.” He’s so pleased that he decides to relieve some of your need, rubbing your clit. “No one else would be able to touch you like me. Tell me how I ruined you for any other man,” he prompts.

He pulls his fingers off of you and pushes his pants down, whipping his dick out and stroking it as he looks down at you. He taps your clit with the head of his cock and bites back a grin when you mewl at the action. He thrusts against your pussy, letting his length slide between your folds.

You have to cling onto reality and keep yourself from slipping into a brainless haze. It’s hard to do when his cock feels so girthy and hot against you. He would stretch you so nicely. Your cunt oozes at the thought.

“Say it,” Beomgyu demands, grabbing your face again so you’ll make eye contact with him. He leans over your body to do so, and you feel completely surrounded by him. His stare is hard and demanding. Your eyes bug out when you feel him press his tip against your entrance, pushing with just the slightest bit of pressure, but not quite sliding in. “Say it or I’ll fuck the words out of you.”

That scares you into compliance. “You ruined me for anyone else! Only you can make me cum! I only want your cock!” you chant thoughtlessly.

He laughs and smooths his hands down your body, resting them on your waist. “Good girl. Was that so hard?” He’s so condescending, but it makes you drip like crazy. He goes back to thrusting against your pussy, making you sigh in relief.

Beomgyu runs a hand under your shirt, squeezing your tits. Your back arches when he twists and pulls at your nipples while continuing to slide his cock through your folds. He takes his dick and starts swiping his tip over your clit rapidly, watching you spasm at the sensation with a grin. Your hole continues to flutter, aching to be stuffed with his cock. Unfortunately, Beomgyu takes notice of that.

“You need that hole filled, baby? Need to be nice and stretched?” He brings his tip back to your entrance. He circles around it teasingly, making you whine. You can’t let him fuck you. You need to keep at least that much from him.

“Don’t,” you plead, getting more antsy the longer he stays at your entrance.

“Don’t?” he repeats, but doesn’t move away.

“Please don’t!” you cry, unwilling to let him go that far. He finally relents.

“Then you’ll cum like this,” he huffs and goes back to stimulating your clit with the head of his cock. You moan out, pushing your hips down to feel him pressed against you more. Your mouth is dropped open in pleasure, eyes shutting as you focus on the feeling. Your legs shake and try to close, but Beomgyu urges them back open with his hand on your thigh.

You can’t form any coherent sentences, stuttering out a garbled mess of words that tells Beomgyu you’re right there. “Let go, baby, be good and cum for me,” he says, and your body obeys. You spasm everywhere as your orgasm takes over, breathing out in sweet relief. He’s moaning behind you, movements getting shakier as his release finds him.

Beomgyu pulls away so his cum lands on your ass, but his fingers play with your pussy to help you come down. Your legs clamp shut when it gets too much, and he takes that as a sign to stop. The sound of you and Beomgyu panting fills the room as you recover from your highs.

“Fuck, I wish I could take a picture of this,” Beomgyu says, staring at your ass painted with his seed. You can’t even think of a smart reply to that, still trying to get your breathing back to normal.

Beomgyu takes off his shirt to wipe you down with it. You’re glad he still has the mind to take care of you. You cringe when you feel him try to put your soiled panties back onto you. “Stop, I’ll just get a new pair,” you say, kicking his hands away.

You stand up and stretch, trying to avoid looking at your reflection as much as possible. You grab your phone to check the time. What catches your sight instead is a text notification from Soobin, and suddenly you feel sick. Beomgyu smirks when his eyes land on your screen. “You still going out with him today?”

You almost feel like you could cry. Was this his plan all along? You put your phone back down, unable to stand the guilt.

He wins again. “No, I’m not.”

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

Your life recently has just been a continuous cycle of proving that you can, indeed, stoop even lower. You’re so confused how you even got to this point. Your fairytale relationship was lined up for you, it was supposed to be easy to stop whatever you’re doing with Beomgyu and make Soobin your boyfriend.

Things are more complicated and confusing than ever, a precedent you continuously find yourself in. You can’t grow accustomed to this. You’ll go crazy before you ever figure out why Beomgyu won’t quit. What is the root of his insecurity? Why is he so threatened by the idea of you having a boyfriend? You’ve already told him you won’t leave him.

When you notice that Beomgyu’s not home when you get back from work, you decide to invite Chaewon over to keep you company. You don’t feel like being alone with your thoughts right now.

She’s there in a heartbeat, and the two of you are quick to settle on the couch and watch a bit of the show she’s currently binging. You’re only half an episode in when you stop paying attention and start talking to Chaewon about life instead. It doesn’t take long for Chaewon to land on the million dollar question.

“Alright, this has been killing me since we went to the bar. What happened with Soobin?” Chaewon asks.

You want to punch yourself. This is so embarrassing. “Well…”

“I swear, if you…” she starts, and you know what she’s thinking.

“I did.” You get a hard smack on the arm for that. You deserved it, honestly.

“You fucked Beomgyu?!”

“He didn’t stick it in, but we did basically everything else,” you admit.

“Why?” she asks. “Everything was going so well.”

“I don’t know. Because I’m stupid. I tried to say no, but you know him.”

She looks a little horrified to hear that. “What?”

You scramble to explain, not wanting her to get the wrong idea, “I mean, like, I gave in and let myself enjoy it because he wasn’t stopping anyway.”

“Do you even know how concerning that sounds?” Chaewon asks, looking genuinely worried for you. “Seriously, are you okay?” She runs a hand down your arm to comfort you.

“I’m okay. Thank you.” Her eyes have lost all their hardness and accusation, and she looks at you with only pity now.

“How’d this happen? Give me the timeline,” Chaewon says, and you sigh as you try to recollect the whole story.

“I actually initiated it the first time we hooked up again,” you explain with a sense of shame. “I was angry, and he kept insisting that I hate him, so I kissed him. Then it went further.”

“I hate him,” Chaewon says with a bitter laugh. You frown, so she continues, “I do. I can’t stand him anymore. He knew he was cornering you when he said that shit.”

“Well, it worked. It keeps working. I tried again to stop after that, which is when he told me I should just say no and”—

“What the hell?” Chaewon interrupts, appalled. “As if you haven’t been saying no in a million different ways!”

“Yeah, I don’t know.” You shake your head and shrug defeatedly. “So the next time he tries to initiate something, I say no, and he doesn’t listen because he said he could tell I didn’t mean it.”

Chaewon’s jaw is dropped open. It takes a few seconds for her to get a response out. “I really hate him. I’m fuming for you.”

“Well, I didn’t tell him to stop once he really started touching me. I don’t know why. He told me to tell him when to stop, and I just… didn’t.”

“He needs to get it together. You need to give him an ultimatum.” The drastic measures make your heart pound. Beomgyu would lose it.

“I can’t,” you say. “Even if I did, he’d find a way around it again.”

“Stop giving him so much power over you. You need to detox yourself clean of him.” She says that like he’s some bacteria you can just flush out. He’s more like a parasite taking control of your whole being.

“But I live with him,” you reason.

“Then stay at mine. As long as you’re here with him, he’s going to keep doing this. He’s been messing with your head and ruining your life on purpose. It’s such bullshit. He’ll never take no for an answer,” Chaewon spits.

“What the hell are you guys talking about?” You snap your head over to where the voice came from. Fuck. Beomgyu came home.

Your heart stops. You hold your breath, staring at him with wide eyes. What do you say? There’s no excuse that could get you out of this situation.

Chaewon on the other hand doesn’t seem scared at all—she seems furious. “You,” she answers, unphased at his attempt to intimidate her.

She rises from the couch and approaches him with quick footsteps. You get scared for a second that she might hit him, so you follow her quickly. She stops in front of Beomgyu, and you stand back, observing the scene with your nerves on edge. Beomgyu doesn’t back down, staring daggers into her.

“Beomgyu, you are the most disgusting excuse for a friend in the world,” Chaewon snaps. She pokes a finger against his chest to make her point. “I can only pray that karma gets you one day and makes you see what a piece of shit you are.”

Beomgyu looks at you while pointing at Chaewon. “You’re just gonna let her talk to me like this? Did you even tell her the full story?”

You see red at his accusation. “I told her everything, matter of fact.”

“Yeah? Then she should know that you’re just as much to blame as I am,” he says, walking away from Chaewon and towards you. “I can’t believe you’ve been shit-talking me with your friends for things you chose to do with me.”

Chaewon chimes in, “How much of a choice does she have if you’re bugging her nonstop until she gives in? Crying, fighting, begging. If you were fucking normal she’d already be with Soobin by now.”

Beomgyu doesn’t turn to look at Chaewon as she speaks, so his face is still close to yours as he takes in her words. He doesn’t look remorseful at all. He just looks pissed.

“You can leave, Chaewon,” he says, voice dripping with venom. He looks you in the eye even as he says that. It sends a chill down your spine.

Chaewon grabs your wrist and pulls you a few steps away from Beomgyu. “Come sleep at mine tonight,” she urges you. “You don’t deserve to hear whatever shit he’s gonna put you through.”

“Fuck that,” Beomgyu says. “Get out of my house.” He points to the door. You’re shocked at the slight raise in his voice. He’s never done that before.

Chaewon looks at you, waiting for you to say something. You feel like the smallest person alive because you can’t bring yourself to accept her offer. It would only strain your relationship with Beomgyu more.

“Don’t be mad at me, Chaewon,” you plead, even though that’s probably too much to ask for. But she’s Chaewon, and she carries all the understanding she’s ever had, so she doesn’t get mad at all.

She squeezes your hand. “Be smart,” she says, then wraps her arms around you for a tight hug. “Text me if you need anything,” she whispers in your ear.

“I’m sorry,” you whisper in hers. She pulls away and pats your hair down, looking sympathetic.

“I’ll see you soon,” she says, heading towards the door.

“See you.” You can’t bring yourself to sound happy or excited as you watch her leave. It feels like your life force has been drained out of you, and yet you’re nowhere near done with the arguments tonight. You turn to Beomgyu, already expecting it.

“Please don’t listen to her,” he says. You blink up at him, confused. He’s not going to get mad at you? “I don’t know what she’s telling you, but don’t listen to it.”

You don’t have it in you to fight him right now. “I just chose you again, Beomgyu, even if I shouldn’t have. That should tell you everything.” It’s the last thing you say before heading off to your room. You don’t think your pout leaves your face all night.

Time and time again, you prove you can’t change. You can’t prioritize anything over Beomgyu, not even yourself. It’s pathetic. You’re pathetic.

You want to believe you can grow as a person, but it’s so impossible when Beomgyu insists on bringing you back to square one every chance he gets. Chaewon’s offer rings in your head, telling you there is a way out. You could stay with her and leave behind all the mess that comes with being here.

Your eyes water. If only you weren’t so weak. You can’t imagine how that life would be better than one with Beomgyu in it. You can’t abandon him; for both his sake and your own, it’s better if you stay. You just have to get used to this being your new life.

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

Somehow, Beomgyu becomes the only person you don’t feel guilty being around. When you’re with Soobin, you feel guilty for what you’ve done with Beomgyu. When you’re with Chaewon, you feel guilty for not taking her advice and controlling your life more. With Beomgyu, you don’t have to feel guilty, as long as you don’t let yourself think too hard.

You end up spending most of your free time cooped up in his room. It’s better than being alone—your thoughts might send you spiraling if you’re left to deal with them on your own. If making you codependent was Beomgyu’s goal, it looks like he’s succeeding.

You let Beomgyu hold you in his bed, you let him wipe the tears off your face, you let him comfort you with peppered kisses all over your skin and honey coated words whispered into your ear. You let him do whatever he wants because it’s better than fighting with him and breaking yourself down even more.

You open your phone to see you’ve got a text from Soobin.

[Soobin] Are you free today?

Well, technically you are…

You look over at Beomgyu, still caught up in his game. You think of spending time with Soobin, lounging in some restaurant or walking across the city. It’s nice, but any of that niceness is crushed when you think of telling Beomgyu that you’re going out with Soobin. You think of his petty arguments, of the tricks he has up his sleeve, of all the right words he knows just when to say to keep things going his way. You’ve had such a shit week that you just don’t feel like ruining your weekend like that.

You send your response.

I’m not :(

You shut off your phone and lay it against your chest. You feel like you’re becoming an awful person. A few minutes later, Beomgyu cheers and claps at his screen, pushing his chair out a bit and looking back at you.

“Come look at this,” he says. You wrap a blanket around yourself as you trudge over to his desk. He points to each statistic and explains how awesome and amazing they are, looking to you for validation.

“Super cool.” You nod and try to pull an impressed look, but he can always see through your bullshit.

“Why do you sound like that? What happened?” he asks. You fight back the urge to roll your eyes. Curse him and his stupid ability to read your mind.

You sigh. “I just feel like I’m always lying to Soobin recently.”

Beomgyu, ever the asshole, just smiles at that. “Why?”

“He asked if I was free today and I said no,” you explain.

“Well that’s right. You’re hanging out with me.”

“But we don’t really have plans. We hang out like this every day.” You don’t fight it when he pulls you into his lap. You relax into him.

“Just stop dragging him along. This is going nowhere.”

“It could, though,” you say.

“It couldn’t,” Beomgyu denies with complete certainty. He runs his fingers through your hair when you rest your head on his shoulder.

“Yeah. You would make sure of it,” you say, defeated.

“Don’t act so innocent.” His voice is soft even when he says that.

“I was so set on him. You never liked me like this until you found out about him,” you say, equally as soft, no real fight in you.

“I always liked you like this.”

“No. You never acted like this.”

“I was scared of losing you to him, so I had to act like this,” he defends.

“It makes me feel crazy. Makes me feel like a bad person.”

He hums, still comforting you with his hand in your hair and an arm around your waist. He pulls you up just a bit to position you so that you’re face-to-face with him. The blanket falls off of you and onto the floor behind you. He coos when he sees your teary eyes, cupping your face.

“You’re right, I would make sure of it. I’d never let you get into a relationship,” he admits. His voice drips with gentleness, and it’s smooth as ever, but you don’t feel soothed by it. You back up when his face gets a little too close to yours.

“What if I only want to be friends?” you question.

“Then just be my friend. Don’t be his girlfriend, though,” he pleads. “Would you really hurt me like that?”

“I can’t be his friend?”

He shakes his head. “No.”

A little fire of rage is starting to burn inside you at his possessiveness. It’s like he can sense it, and he’s trying to calm it down, gently rubbing his hands down your thighs.

“Don’t touch me like that,” you demand. He moves his hands to rest on your hips instead. “Don’t touch me at all.”

He pries his hands off of you and holds them behind his head. You feel yourself getting pissed off, but for some reason you don’t make a move to get off his lap.

“Why do you treat me like this?” you ask harshly.

“Cause I’m in love with you,” he answers like he can’t hold it back anymore. Your heart stops and your eyes shoot to his own in shock. He’s looking at you with all the honesty he’s ever had. “So forgive me if I can’t stand you being with someone else.”

You open your mouth, but you have no clue what to say, so you just shut it and stare at him, dumbfounded. It takes a few seconds for rationality to hit you and urge you up and away from him. He stands up as soon as you do, holding onto your wrist.

“No, don’t go,” he begs, lacing your hands together. You lean your head into his chest and cry out in confusion. What are you supposed to do?! God, a part of you wishes you’d never even met Soobin now. If you knew it would come to this, you’d have never stepped foot in that library. It’s just not worth it. You don’t even know how you feel right now.

“What the fuck Beomgyu!” you yell as you burst into tears. Everything is ruined. You can’t be with Soobin. You can’t be with anyone. You can’t have your old dynamic with Beomgyu back. Nothing will be the same.

Beomgyu hugs you, swaying you comfortingly and slowly. You hear him sniffle. He doesn’t deserve to be crying right now. What reason does he have to cry? Everything has gone his way.

You drop to the floor and hold your face in your hands, crying into your palms. He sits in front of you and pushes your hands down, brushing your hair back. His eyes are red from his tears too, but he’s tending to you. Your stomach twists. You don’t know what to think. A guttural sob leaves you.

“Maybe this city isn’t right for you. Let’s move away,” Beomgyu offers, trying a new approach.

“Like you know what’s right for me,” you mock.

“I do,” he asserts.

“You don’t.”

“Just stop with this. Do you not love me?” he asks, angry and serious. You don’t respond. He calls your name. You look away from him.

You don’t know. Somewhere in this whole mess, you’ve lost your perception of what you feel for who. You don’t respond because you have no answer.

He whines and hangs his head, clutching his chest like you’ve just stabbed him in the heart. Always the drama queen. You feel yourself calming down a little as you see it. At least you’re not the only one breaking down now.

“You want to be with him that bad?” he asks. He looks at you with pathetic eyes, tears falling from them pitifully. You feel nothing.

He grabs you by the shoulders with urgency and desperation. You have no more fight in you, so you let it happen. He picks you up and sits you on the edge of his bed. He stands over you, holding your head up so your eyes meet. He frantically searches for something in them. You’re not sure what.

“Can you talk to me?” he requests. “At least give me that much?” He pulls your mouth open with his thumb, staring at it like he’s waiting for something to come out. You don’t know what possesses you, but you feel broken enough to not question it when you take his thumb in your mouth and suck. Perhaps you’re just used to turning to sex in the midst of heated moments now. He pulls it out and stares at you funny.

“What?” you ask. He gives a sigh of relief, and you realize it’s because you finally said something.

“We gotta talk about this,” he says.

What’s there to talk about? He told you what your whole life is going to look like anyway. You don’t even want to think about it anymore.

“Let me sleep,” you whisper. Your head is pounding.

“Okay,” he agrees, laying you back on his mattress, adjusting the pillow beneath your head. You shut your eyes. He tucks you in neatly, making sure you’re extra comfortable. He uses gentle fingers to tuck your hair out of your face. You feel his presence stick beside you like a guard dog until you fall asleep.

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

You wake up with a clearer head. The room is dark, you must have slept your way into the night. You remember everything that happened and your eyes shoot open. Beomgyu’s sleeping soundly next to you. He has you right up against him, like he knew you’d try to run away as soon as you woke up. You realize that that’s what you should be doing right now.

You remember you left your phone on the bed somewhere. You feel around for it, more frantically the longer it takes, but you come up empty. A part of you wonders if Beomgyu took it. You shake the thought. He wouldn’t. You despise your mind for trying to paint your best friend as evil.

He can’t help how he feels, right? If he scared you or hurt you, he didn’t mean it. If he’s serious when he says he loves you, then he wouldn’t want to hurt you. You feel sick as you think it over. You probably shouldn’t run away. Where would you even go?

An idea pops into your mind, but you need your phone first.

Gathering your courage, you slip from Beomgyu’s grasp and get out of bed, causing as little commotion as you can. You scan the room with just your eyes, seeing if you can find your phone. You contain the urge to groan when you don’t see it anywhere. You bend down to check under the bed. Nothing.

You startle when you rise up and see Beomgyu looking at you. “What are you doing?” he asks.

“I’m just looking for my phone.” You sound so meek and unnatural in your own ears. You sound scared of him.

“Oh.” He eases back into the bed. You didn’t realize how tense he got. Strange.

You look at him speculatively. “Do you… know where my phone is?”

He furrows his brows. “Are you accusing me right now?”

Yes. “No.” It’s so much harder to rationalize the situation when you’re talking to Beomgyu. He’s quiet for a minute, and it unnerves you. You wonder what he’s thinking.

You watch him closely as he reaches for something on his nightstand. It’s his phone. He taps around on it, and you have no clue what he’s doing until you hear it ring. He’s calling you.

The vibration of your phone is muffled, but present. Beomgyu looks to his side and lifts your pillow, revealing your phone. He hangs up the call from his end. You grab your phone, feeling guilty now.

“Now you can stop looking at me like I’m some psychopath,” he murmurs off-handedly. It stings your heart.

“I’m sorry.”

He sits up and stares at you, then lets out a heavy sigh. His eyes look puffy now from all his crying before, and you figure he must not have slept much. You wonder if he stayed up crying while you slept in his arms.

“I’m sorry too,” he says. You appreciate that, because he’s got a lot to be sorry for. “I got scared and it made me act crazy.”

So you’re finally having this conversation. Your heart rate picks up.

“You did. I guess I did too,” you say. You remember how you broke down. You remember everything he said. “Did you mean it all?” you ask.

He’s quiet for a second. “I meant it when I said I loved you.”

“And when you said you’d never let me have a relationship?” you push. He looks like you just kicked him, and he bites down his response. You remember what Chaewon said about him doing that, how he only does it because he knows you’re weak for him. Not this time. Fuck that. “Talk to me now, Beomgyu. I’ll walk out of your life forever if you don’t.”

He rushes to respond now, eyes wide with urgency. “I don’t know, I’m just desperate, and—and I need you.” He stands up, but doesn’t dare get too close to you. His hands are held together in prayer. “Don’t walk away. I’ll control myself now. Please stay. Who else do I have?”

You take a deep breath, trying to not let his words hit you too hard. You need to keep a clear mind. If your heart starts getting soft, you’ll lose to him again.

“I want you to never meddle in my love life again,” you say, speaking as clearly and confidently as you can.

“But I”—

“Never again. No excuses. Let me be.”

“But I love you!” Beomgyu cries, desperate to keep you to himself.

“Stop,” you insist, locking up the iron gates that protect your weak heart. You can’t let him get through.

“I love you, I love you, I love you! You can’t do this to me!”

You feel him slicing away at the bars guarding your heart. You have to get out of here before he breaks you down again.

“I’m staying at Chaewon’s tonight. If you try to contact me while I’m gone, you’ll never see me again. Give me space.” You fear your sanity might slip from you if you take too long to head out the door.

He drops to his knees as a sob escapes him. Unintelligible pleading escapes his lips, but you can’t allow it into your mind. If you stay here a second longer, he’s going to find your soft spots and attack. Adrenaline forces you to start moving.

You leave the room, leave the apartment, but you still hear his cries. They echo in your mind and torture you as your feet take you to Chaewon’s house. You move as fast as you can, desperate to clear your head, but Beomgyu proves himself again to be a parasite, a stain you can never wash off.

Chaewon’s eyes widen when she sees you. You must look as rough as you feel. “What happened?” she asks, ushering you to her couch. She wipes your cheeks, brushing away tears you didn’t even know were there.

“Beomgyu loves me.” You choke on a sob, leaning forward until your head is buried in Chaewon’s chest, wrapping your arms around her body. You’re glad you don’t have to beg her to comfort you—she’s quick to pat your hair down and hold you while you let it all out.

“Honey, it’s okay,” she soothes. You’re soaking her shirt with your tears, but she doesn’t say anything about it.

“No, everything has changed. Nothing’s okay.” Chaewon picks your head up at that, cupping your face so you’ll look her in the eyes. You sniffle back your tears, suddenly embarrassed by them when she’s looking at you so intensely.

“You will be okay. I promise you.” She sounds so sure of it that you have no choice but to believe her. You nod, and she looks pleased at that. Once she releases you from her hold, you wipe the wetness from your face. You feel yourself calming down.

“Thank you,” you say. Even if all you want to do in the moment is wallow in your own self-pity, you can’t let that be the rest of your life. Once you feel confident you won’t start crying again, you tell Chaewon everything that happened with Beomgyu. She’s quiet the whole time, nodding as you explain the whole ordeal. You don’t have it in you to joke about it right now, and you appreciate that she doesn’t try to either.

“Well, how do you feel? Do you love Beomgyu?” she asks.

You sigh. This is a loaded question. “I’m not in love with him, but I do love him. Even after everything he did, I still love him. I probably always will.”

Chaewon nods slowly and hums in acknowledgement. She takes a minute to ask her next question. “What about Soobin?”

You pout as you ponder it. When you think about being with Soobin now, it’s not heart fluttering anymore. Beomgyu ruined that for you. Maybe Beomgyu ruined any man for you. You can’t imagine talking to another guy, now—not for a while, anyway.

“I’m not in love with him either. I don’t know how I feel now,” you answer honestly.

You get another cryptic hum from Chaewon at that. “I think you should see Soobin tomorrow and see if that clears things up.”

Tomorrow? That’s so soon. You need time to recover from today. The thought of meeting up with Soobin fills you with some sort of dread and fear.

“I don’t know if I can ever see him again,” you admit.

It’s too late for you to come back from this. The damage is irreparable. Beomgyu has carved his name into you, and you can scratch it away all you want, but the slate will never be clean again. You’ll always be marred.

“See him one more time,” Chaewon insists. “Don’t give up yet.” You feel a little bit of life leave you as you sigh. You’re not the fighter that Chaewon wants you to be. You’ve tried so hard, but it never worked.

She puts a hand on your shoulder and continues, “Text him. Ask him to go out with you tomorrow. You can still make this work.” She picks up your phone and puts it in your hand.

You look into her eyes. She has enough hope in them to encourage you to unlock your phone and go to Soobin’s messages. You stare at your texts from earlier, regretting how you didn’t just accept his offer to hang out. You wonder how differently your day would have gone.

You take a deep breath and look at Chaewon for reassurance. Her smile gives you the courage to send something over.

If you’re free tomorrow, I’d love to go out

You doubt he’s awake right now since it’s so late, but you’ll settle with seeing his response in the morning. Chaewon encourages you to get some rest, and you think half of the reason is because she’s tired too, but you don’t argue. If you’re seeing Soobin tomorrow, you’ll need as much rest as you can get tonight. You’ll sleep away the pain and open your heart up to whatever comes with Soobin tomorrow.

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

You do your best to not think about Beomgyu at all as soon as you meet up with Soobin. You want to enjoy your day, and you’ll be damned if you don’t at least try. You’ve put up with so much, you need a break. A day out with Soobin could offer you that solace.

It’s colder by the lake that you walk along the edge of, but the sight is so nice that you don’t mind it. Being outside is helping you feel better, too. The lake is still mostly ice, with fresh snow piled on top of it.

“I’m glad we get to spend time together today,” Soobin says, walking slower until he comes to a stop. He looks angelic even with his nose red from the cold.

“Me too,” you say. “I’m sorry it’s been so long.”

“It’s okay, I’m sure you were busy.” You can’t look him in the eye when he says that, it hurts too much. You weren’t nearly as busy as he thinks you were. Your mind was preoccupied with someone else.

“How has work been?” You almost cringe at how surface level the question feels. You’ve been past the small talk stage for a while now, but you’re having trouble thinking of what else to talk about. It’s not like you can talk about your own life as of recent.

“It’s been okay. I miss you sometimes when I’m working in the library,” he says. Your heart should flutter at that. You should feel weak in the knees and butterflies in your stomach. Instead, you feel something inside you shrivel up. You push past the feeling, still determined to try to save this.

“I wish I went over more.” You wish you did a lot of things different.

“You still can,” he says, hopeful. You pray that he’s oblivious to your uncertainty. You smile at him, hoping it doesn’t look as forced as it feels.

“I can,” you agree. A beat of silence follows. You look out to the frozen lake. In the summer, this place is alive with the sound of birds chirping and people laughing. It’s quite different now. You look at the barren trees and strain your ears for any noise.

You don’t usually hate winter, but this year it feels eternal. You’re dying for the snow to start melting and to feel the sun again. The sight of flowers in bloom, of leaves returning to trees, is something you find yourself craving more than ever.

“Do you like the snow?” you ask, turning to Soobin.

“I love it. It makes everything look brighter.” You nod, looking back out to the world. The sunlight reflects off the stretch of snow, and you suppose it does look brighter like this. A gust of wind sends snow blowing at the two of you. You flinch, and he laughs.

“Have you ever gone skiing?” he asks.

You shake your head. “I went snowboarding with Beomgyu once, but I hated it. I had so many bruises the next day.” You laugh a little at the memory.

“I’ve been waiting to hear that,” Soobin says. You look at him in confusion. “Your laugh,” he clarifies.

“Oh.” You feel your face heat up.

“I love skiing, even though I’m not great at it. You should try. I know a great place. We can fall and get matching bruises,” he says, grinning. It puts a smile on your face, and you don’t have to force it this time.

“I don’t know if I can take up that offer,” you say.

Soobin nods. “That’s okay.”

It goes quiet again after that. Silence doesn’t bother you normally, but it feels deeper than usual when there’s nothing going on around you. You sway on your feet, kicking awkwardly at the snow.

“Are you alright? You’re never this quiet,” Soobin notes. You sigh. You couldn’t even begin to explain how you feel to him.

“I don’t know. I’m sorry I’m such a bore today,” you apologize, wanting to shrink into yourself.

“I’m never bored of you. Tell me what’s going on,” he prompts, looking at you attentively. You’re flattered at how he shows his care for you.

You stare at him for a long second, wondering how much would be acceptable to spill. “It’s just Beomgyu.”

Soobin laughs for a second at that. “That’s not the first time I heard that sentence.” He doesn’t look upset or bitter, but it still makes you feel bad. Even if he’s joking, it’s true that you keep bringing Beomgyu up around him.

“I don’t know what to do about him anymore.” You wish you had the guts to say more, but you’re a coward.

Soobin takes a while to respond to that, so long that you think he might just drop the conversation. His smile has shrunk, and you fear that he’s finally putting the pieces together. “You do what feels right,” he advises.

You swallow, trying to calm your nerves. “How do I know what’s right?” Your brows are upturned, lips pouted as you struggle to draw a conclusion. His eyes trail down your face like he’s assessing you.

“Your heart will tell you.” He has no clue the torment your heart’s been through. The poor thing is too weak to make any decisions. Following it will lead you nowhere.

You shake your head. “No it won’t.”

He sighs, and that’s when you know he’s caught onto your dilemma. “You already know what your heart wants. You’re just ignoring it.”

His words strike you with panic. You search his eyes to try to find the answer he’s come to. “What do you mean?” you ask.

“I just feel like…” Soobin starts. You hang onto his words as he struggles to finish his thought. “You’re always thinking of him.”

Your heart sinks. It feels like the world has gone weak, and everything around you is ready to collapse. Can you even deny what he said? You open your mouth to try, but any noise struggles to come out.

“So, can I ask you something?” he continues.

You nod. This moment feels so delicate and fragile, you’re scared of breaking it. Your voice comes out in a whisper when you respond, “Yes.”

“Did you like me at all?” His eyes dart between yours.

You hate this so much. You can’t protect your pride. Guilt spills out from the pit of your stomach and sickens you. Have you turned into something vile? Have you hurt Soobin so much?

“Of course I did. You’re wonderful,” you answer honestly. He wipes a tear from your cheek when it falls from your eye.

“And now?” He keeps his hand on your face. You can't stand his kindness. The knife twists further.

“I don’t know. Beomgyu—he…” You don’t even know where to go with that sentence.

“He fell for you?” he fills in. “I can see why.” He brushes your hair back. Even now, his smile is pure and soft.

“Soobin…” You’re stuck with the most impossible dilemma. A selfish part of you begs to keep Soobin around. The butterflies he summons still come back to life at times like these. You’ll never have to question his sanity. What bloomed between you was innocent and untarnished until Beomgyu dug his claws into you.

The other half of you tells you to stop torturing everyone. Yourself, Soobin, Beomgyu—you all suffer the longer you remain on the fence. You can’t have both men in your life, and you know that you’re not going to give up Beomgyu so easily. You just wish you could figure something out.

“I know your choice,” he says, breaking you out of your thoughts. How? How can he know so clearly when not even you do?

He takes your hand and brings it to his lips. The most gentle kiss you’ve ever felt is placed delicately onto it. You blink up at him. It’s almost like you can already see him flickering away.

He’s letting you go.

You feel the moment melting. You feel the world slowly coming back to life around you, and you want to ask it for one more minute. One more minute, where you and Soobin can be the only two people that exist. He’s putting your hand down, he’s releasing his hold, he’s getting ready to go. You know better than to cry and beg for him now. This is what has to happen.

“Do you know your way home from here?” he asks.

You’re crushed, but you don’t show it. “Yes.”

He steps back. “I’m glad I knew you. You’re the best thing this city has to offer.”

“That’s not true.” There is nothing more cursed in this city than you.

He smiles at you. It’s the last time you’ll ever see it. “It is. I hope he helps you see that.”

That’s the last thing he says to you before he leaves for good. You watch him walk away. Your feet don’t itch to run for him. Your hands don’t yearn to tug him back. The only thing you want now is to see your best friend.

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

You try to control the way your body shakes as you stand in front of the door. You need to get yourself together. You steady your breathing. Your fist meets the door to knock on it gently, like you’re unsure if you actually want to go in or not.

You’re glad you ran out of tears already. It would be quite embarrassing for Chaewon to open the door to you crying for the second day in a row.

She assesses you with a frown. “It didn’t go well, did it?”

There’s no need to sugar coat it. “It’s over.”

Chaewon’s lips part in surprise. She’s quiet, and for the first time, it seems like she doesn’t know what to say. You walk to her room without a word, and she follows just as silently. You take your usual spots on her bed, and you try to make yourself feel something. You just come up empty.

“Are you okay?” Chaewon asks, breaking the silence hesitantly.

“I guess,” you answer. You didn’t expect Soobin to let you go. Selfishly, you thought he would never leave you. Chaewon sighs heavily, but you don’t dare to look at her right now. Whether it’s disappointment or sadness on her face, you don’t want to know.

Karma must be real. This was always bound to happen, you realize. This is some cosmic joke, some lesson from the universe to tell you what happens when you let control slip out of your hands. You dug your own grave. Soobin was always going to leave you.

A pang in your chest strikes you when you think of the beginning. Soobin’s shy introduction at the library, his giggles at your flirtations, his eagerness to keep you talking. Everything was so light and easy. You could’ve sworn there was an invisible string connecting you.

“I’m sorry. It’s killing me that I can’t do anything for you,” Chaewon says, and you finally look at her. Her eyes are brimming with tears, lips quivering in an effort to not cry. You frown and hold her hand.

“You’ve done everything for me,” you correct. If it weren’t for all her talks with you in the past couple months, you would have gone crazy long ago. You’d be caught between Beomgyu’s teeth. Now you’re here, sulking over Soobin with her, instead of going home to your other best friend. “You helped me more than you think.”

Chaewon gives you a small smile as a tear falls from her eye. Her hand squeezes yours, and it makes you genuinely smile for a second. “I’m always here for you,” she says.

“Same here, for anything.” She scooches closer to you, and you rest your head on her shoulder.

“How are you feeling?” You ponder her question for a minute, trying to match a label to your inner turmoil.

You sigh, “Numb.”

She hums. “What are you thinking about?” That question brings the pang in your chest back. You can do nothing but succumb to the defeat and hopelessness of it all.

“We never even kissed.” You stare into nothingness as you meddle with the fact. It’s a stupid thing to be upset about, but you feel like you had your one shot at romance ripped away from you. Who can you blame besides yourself?

You could’ve had innocent, pure love. You could’ve had sweet kisses and interlocked hands and a hundred cute little dates, but you traded it all for anger-laced intimacy, endless confusion, and nights ending in tears. You’re a fool.

Chaewon looks at you with such pity that it makes your stomach twist. You must seem so pathetic right now. A part of you wishes you’d run off to Beomgyu instead. He would’ve pampered you, made you forget about Soobin if only for a moment. You know you were right to see Chaewon instead, though. You’ve made enough dumb decisions with your life. You’re sick of destroying everything because you can’t let go of Beomgyu.

Chaewon seems to be thinking the same thing. “I can’t stop thinking about where you’d be now if Beomgyu never brought himself into this.”

You tighten your lips, not knowing what to say. You don’t want to think about it at all. “Yeah.”

She turns to you fully, looking more serious now. “You’re not going back to Beomgyu again. Don’t let him get away with this,” she says.

It’s not that easy. What does she expect you to do instead? Ignore him, drop him now that it’s already too late? You’d gain nothing from that at this point.

“It’s useless,” you say. She takes both your hands in hers, holding them over her heart and looking into your eyes.

“I care about you too much to watch you spiral like this. Stay with me. I’ll help you bring your things here.” She looks at you with pleading eyes. Your heartbeat races. The choice is yours.

“I can’t burden you like that,” you say, shaking your head.

“It would burden me more to know you’re letting Beomgyu win again,” she insists. You exhale shakily, trying to stop your thoughts from flying by so fast. You need a clearer mind to be able to make this decision.

“I need to think about it.” Chaewon nods, always understanding of you.

“Just let me know. I promise I’ll be there in a heartbeat.” You feel like you owe this girl the world.

You look out the window, noticing how dark it is. You would stay over her house again, but something inside you urges you to go home. You shift on the bed, stretching as you get ready to stand up again.

“I think I’m gonna head home now,” you say, and you see her eyebrows knit in confusion immediately. You know what she’s thinking. “It’s not for Beomgyu. It’s for me.”

She still looks uneasy, but she doesn’t put up a fight. You’re glad she saves her lectures on Beomgyu this once. She gives you a parting hug.

“Think about my offer,” she says as you pull away. Her eyes are hopeful, like she’s counting on you for this one thing.

“I will,” you promise.

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

The moment you get home, you take yourself straight to Beomgyu’s room. It’s late, and you know he must be sleeping, but you don’t want to feel alone for even a second. You don’t want to think about Soobin.

Beomgyu’s room is slightly illuminated by the glow of his gaming setup. He looks so peaceful laying in his bed. His chest rises and falls in a perfect rhythm, and you find yourself calming down. You stand there in the doorway for a minute, debating whether or not it was too far to go and wrap your arms around him.

He stirs in his sleep. Perhaps he felt your presence—you wouldn’t doubt it at this point. The boy has always seemed to have a sixth sense when it came to you.

“Gyu?” you whisper, testing if he’s waking up or not. His eyes flutter open, so slightly and sleepily that you barely see it. When he notices you standing at his door, he shifts on the bed to make room for you. He pats the spot next to him on the mattress, and your body responds to his call immediately. It seems the magnets attracting you together have never left.

You settle in beside him, cozying up to his warmth. Your eyes are unblinking as they stare at his ceiling. You barely feel like you’re in your own body as Beomgyu tucks you into his side. You only sort of register it as the weight of his arm falls across your waist.

“You came back,” Beomgyu says, voice scratchy and deep from sleep.

“You knew I would.” He doesn’t respond. He knows it’s true.

His breathing is starting to grow slower again, and your heart pounds in unease. You won’t be able to fall asleep. You don’t want him to leave you in the real world right now.

“Beomgyu,” you say in a quiet voice. He hums in response, and you feel the vibration of it in your bones. “I ended things with Soobin.”

He freezes. You don’t even feel him breathe anymore. You keep your gaze off of him; if he’s happy, you don’t want to see it. He tries to sit up, but you coax him back down. You don’t want to be up right now.

You continue, “Or, I guess, he ended things with me.”

His silence would irritate you if you didn’t feel so numb. You focus on your breathing, still staring at the ceiling. You feel weightless, like your body could break from the slightest shove.

Finally, he moves beside you. It’s just a turn of his head, but it’s enough to make you feel a little less stiff. You feel his eyes on you, but you can’t be bothered to meet them.

“Well, I’m not gonna say I’m sorry…” he says. You don’t need to look at him to know that he’s smiling.

“I know. Cause you’re an asshole.”

“But I’m not a liar.”

“Sometimes I wish you were,” you sigh. Your life might’ve been easier in that case.

He ignores that. “I’m here for you. Whatever you want, whatever you miss from him, I’m here.”

You don’t need that. You just need a cork in your chest to fill the space your heart has leapt from. His bandages will never stop the bleeding when it’s this profuse.

“I think you were right, I don’t know if this city’s right for me,” you admit quietly, resting your head on his chest. You hope the world is kind enough to let you find sleep tonight. His response comes in the form of hugging you closer to his body. You let it happen, soaking in all his warmth and comfort. This might be the last time you see him, after all.

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

You don’t say goodbye. You pack a couple bags while Beomgyu’s not home, doing your best to ignore your blurred vision from the tears welling in your eyes. Chaewon greets you with open arms when you arrive at her place.

“Just these?” Chaewon asks, picking up your bags.

“Yeah, I didn’t grab everything. I left most of my stuff there,” you explain, voice hoarse from your crying earlier.

“That’s okay.” She brings your bags to her work room, which she promised to repurpose for you as your own room. You tried saying that you could crash on her couch for now, but she insisted that she’d do this for you, even if it’s just for a couple weeks.

The room is mostly empty—Chaewon must’ve been up all night clearing it out—save for her desk in the corner. You’re reminded of when you moved into your apartment with Beomgyu. The thrill of independence, of being a young adult in a new corner of the world. Everything was exciting and new back then, and you miss the innocence that came with it.

“My friend has a twin size mattress that he’s bringing over later today, we can find a frame for that at some furniture store,” Chaewon says.

“Oh my gosh, your friend doesn’t have to do that!” you exclaim. You already feel yourself becoming a burden. “An air mattress is fine.”

“Stop, I’m probably doing him a favor helping him get rid of it. I’m not making you sleep on an air mattress, those things suck.”

“We shouldn’t buy a bed frame yet, I don’t know how long I’ll be here,” you reason, but Chaewon’s not hearing it, shaking her head and dismissing the thought with a wave of her hand.

“We can just get something cheap. I know a really good place. I got mine there for, like, three hundred.” Your eyes widen. You can’t control your natural reaction to a great bargain. “Yeah, I know. So let’s go there.”

The rest of the day goes by in a blur of setting the bed frame up, putting half of your things away, and chatting with Chaewon about how nervous you are about this.

The two of you are cramped into your twin bed, talking the night away like it was any normal sleepover. Chaewon gave you one of her LED lamps, and its multicolored glow is the only source of light in the room. You lean into her, and she lets you practically use her as a pillow.

“Did you tell Beomgyu?” she asks. Her fingers run through your hair calmingly.

“No.” You don’t know if you should feel bad for that. He is your best friend...

“You don’t have to,” she reassures. “You should mute his number. He’s going to find out fast and bug you nonstop.”

Your eyes well up once again. You would have never, ever imagined your friendship with Beomgyu would come to this. Is it for the better? You’ll hate yourself forever if this is the wrong choice. If only you could see into the future. That would have saved you a lot of trouble long ago.

“He’ll know I came to you. He knows exactly where to show up,” you say.

“He could knock on my door all damn day if he wants, he’s not coming in.”

“With how he is, I wouldn’t be surprised if he brought a blanket and started sleeping at your door,” you joke. Your laughter is quick to turn to tears, and you don’t even know why. You wipe your eyes, not wanting to cry again, but you can’t help the loss you feel. Beomgyu’s your best friend. You just wish it could’ve stayed that way.

“It’s okay,” Chaewon comforts.

“No, I don’t want to cry,” you say, sniffling back the rest of your tears. “Let’s just watch videos and fall asleep.”

Chaewon leans over to pick up her tablet at the end of your bed, unlocking it to resume the movie you were playing in the background earlier. “Do you still want to watch this?” she asks.

“We should put on YouTube,” you offer instead. You yawn, closing your eyes as she looks for something interesting to put on. You’re already asleep by the time she makes her choice.

──── ──── ──── ──── ────

The first thing you see after waking up is Beomgyu’s texts. Chaewon would tell you to ignore him, but she’s sleeping soundly next to you and therefore can’t judge you for opening his texts immediately.

[Beomgyu] u out for the night?

[Beomgyu] helloooooo

[Beomgyu] ok well make sure u get to work on time

You should be getting ready for work. You shouldn’t be answering him. You don’t even know what to say, but your fingers itch to respond.

He still doesn’t know you won’t be coming back for a bit. Should you keep it that way? An ache in your heart begs you to spill everything to him. You look at Chaewon again, making sure she’s asleep. You look back to your phone with a sigh and let your fingers fly across the keyboard without a second thought.

You don’t reread the text once you send it. The only move you make afterwards is to mute his notifications. Something about it makes you feel so empty. You don’t know if you feel like a whole new person or the shell of a person. You don’t have time to linger on it either, because you have to get ready for work.

The feeling persists throughout the day. You feel like a robot, like you’re living life on autopilot, letting your body carry you around while your soul is busy searching for the important answers. You don’t care which font your boss would like best for the title on this report, you don’t care what kind of smoothie your coworker should get. You want to know how to fix your life.

Your walk back from work is much stranger now that you can’t take the path your feet have memorized so well. The thought that this could be the path you’d walk to walk everyday for weeks or even months strikes you with a sort of dismal feeling. This feels different than going to Chaewon’s place after work just to hang out. This is going to Chaewon’s place because that’s where you have to go.

You’re not granted reprieve from the whirlwind of thoughts as you make your way home to Chaewon. You question every choice you’ve made up to this point, all the way back to if moving here with Beomgyu was ever a good idea in the first place.

Is there a way to repair all the damage that has been done? The thought of starting all over again is frightening. If you ruined it all, if there’s no going back to how things were, then you might as well make a life for yourself somewhere new.

Maybe you could convince Chaewon to fly across the country with you. You picture a life where you don’t have to worry about bumping into Beomgyu or Soobin again. It both frightens and intrigues you. You can’t be so greedy, though; she has everything set out for her here. You can’t rip her away from the city that loves her so much. You just wish it was as good to you.

The possibilities of what could have been haunt you. You look at passing couples with a sense of envy, picturing you and Soobin in their place. Every store you pass, every street you walk down is a memory that you’ve made. It’s almost too much to handle.

Your feet almost stop as you pass the library. You only let your eyes linger on the building for a few seconds, but that’s long enough to make your insides twist. The warm lights that seep through the windows don’t feel comforting to you anymore. You walk a little faster and tug your jacket closer to your body. The trip back to Chaewon’s feels a little colder now.

You open your messages with Beomgyu as you near her place. You don’t know if you should be happy or scared that he still hasn’t responded. You finally allow yourself to read your parting message, feeling a little emptier as the words linger in your mind with nothing back from him.

Hi Gyu, I’m staying with Chaewon for a bit. I’ll come back if and when I’m ready. I really regret a lot of my recent decisions, and I think I just needed this as a refresh.

Don’t be mad at me. You’ll always be my best friend. Love ya

You swallow down the knot building in your throat. This is for the better. You repeat the phrase like a mantra as you make it to Chaewon’s house. You wonder when her place will start feeling enough like home, when you’ll stop craving to return to your real one. You open the door and shove down all your thoughts and feelings.

This is for the better.

notes: sorry team soobin. sorry team beomgyu. no one wins... and maybe that's what needed to happen... much love and i hope you enjoyed the read!!!

taglist: @beomgyusluver @blankliving @ewsnup @flowzel @immelissaaa @multistansimp4life @nanamongmong

© delugyu 2025, do not translate or reupload

[missinghan]

cold sun ⤖ han jisung

❖ genre : soulmate au; fluff; angst

❖ word count : 2,6k.

❖ warning : slight swearing

❖ summary : in a world where one will lose something if their soulmate doesn’t reciprocate their words of love once they turn sixteen, jisung is willing to take the risk so you won’t have to bear the burden.

❖ note : i just realized how i always tend to write for jisung when i'm down :')) anywho this piece is a little different than what i usually come up with but i hope y'all enjoy it ♡

It’s the first day of the week.

“Hey, Y/N. I like you!”

And Han Jisung is really annoying.

Those words come out so easily. It's casual in a way that makes you bury your red nose deeper into the soft fabric of your scarf, which makes your footsteps quicken unknowingly as his voice chases after you loudly. Either way, this isn’t the first time Jisung has said so. In fact, it’s become a habit for him to remind you every other day.

There’s no particular reason why. Or at least that’s what you think.

It’s the end of the week. Jisung decides to hang himself upside down on your bed while you’re stressing over a presentation. “Hey, Y/N.” A cold winter breeze comes rushing against the perplexing glass of your window, shaking the frame violently before all motions come to silence.

Until, “Y/N, Y/N, Y/N,” he creeps up from behind you and chirps into your ear.

“What?” you let out a groan of displease when tempting warmth embraces you whole, prompting you to drop your attention and looking over your shoulder.

Jisung pouts, “You didn’t answer me.”

“It’s because you’re annoying,” you sigh.

“Answer me when I call your name,” he pulls you in a fraction tighter, careful enough not to hurt you but firm to not let you slip away at the same time, and cradles your neck warmly, “So I’d know that you’re still here with me.”

“Alright, stupid.”

The all too familiar gummy smile returns instantly. “Hey, Y/N?”

And you can’t help but roll your eyes. “Yes, Jisung?”

“I like you,” he giggles into the hug, “I like you a lot.”

Han Jisung really is annoying.

He’s annoying because he talks too much. He’s annoying because of how he always asks for your notes after a gaming night with Felix just to nap in class. He’s annoying because he’d drop you in a heartbeat for a single slice of cheesecake from Jeongin’s mom’s bakery. He’s annoying because of how well he can get along with everyone.

Chatty, down-to-earth, easy-going with a lovable smile—attractive, very attractive.

It’s the week after that. “What...happened?”

“He lost his voice,” Jeongin sighs, looking like he genuinely wants to facepalm himself against concrete while walking with an incoherent Jisung to school; expressive hands with his mouth agape and all.

You tilt your head, “...for real?”

“For real.”

After a few seconds of eyeing Jisung struggling with converting what’s in his head, you exhale deeply and quickly rummage through your backpack, “Just stop, you look ridiculous.” And he does just that, zipping his mouth metaphorically and giving you those typical puppy eyes. “Here, use this.”

His eyes light up like stars when you rip off a page from one of your notebooks and offer it to him along with a pen. Truth is, you’re expecting something as predictable as ‘I like you’ or ‘It’s alright it’s just the worst cold I’ve ever caught’. But then, what’s displayed on the piece of paper right now only baffles you.

Park is going to murder you if he sees some uglyass tear in your Ochem notes :)

A forced grin splits your lips open. “Not if I murdered you first and then the entire school and then myself.”

The first genuine smile blossoms on his lips when you give him a mini-sized notepad and pencil the day after—his sixteenth birthday.

And Jisung decides this is it.

It happens when the sun hasn’t even come out yet and the irritating blue light from his phone reads 5:32 AM.

It happens when he sees your reclined figure leaning back against his mattress, his pupils tracing your delicate features. Perplexed emotions fill his eyes to the brim, fulfillment bursting within his chest when you stare right back at him with such purity. So pure that it seems you can do no harm to him and neither can he.

“Hey stupid,” you murmur quietly, shoving a notepad and pencil against his chest, “Happy birthday.”

Jisung gives you a bright smile, opens his mouth, and snaps it close mere moments later. Sixteenth birthday. Early in the morning. Tired grins. The fondness of being so disgustingly in love.

He can’t help but lean in and caves into the taste his soul has longed for as long as he can remember.

Two weeks have passed since Jisung has lost his voice.

Nothing has differed if you’re being completely honest. Han Jisung is still annoying. His lack of ability to speak doesn’t appear to be a problem to him at all. He loves chatting with people even though he’s more of a listener now. But with the small notepad you gave him a few days ago, being socially active is the norm for him even now.

Thanks to his rather short-period experiences of observing people’s expressions and how their features contort in certain ways when they’re feeling certain emotions, Jisung catches onto your mood more quickly during bad days to help you release your inner turmoil by scribbling down something stupid on the notepad. It’s kinda nice like this, you’d think to yourself sometimes.

Other times, you’re more scared that you might have forgotten what his voice sounds like.

“No wonder you got a fucking cold. Stop taking midnight showers already.”

You wave Jisung over when he closes the wooden door to your bedroom, droplets dripping from his hair as he scratches his stomach tiredly. His hair is a mess when he lazily crawls onto your bed, the cushion beside you dips slightly.

His index finger pointing at his post-shower head and a shit-eating grin are all you need to snatch the white towel around his neck.

“I don’t know if you’ve noticed,” you mumble while rubbing the cotton fabric into his hair, “But you’re awfully upbeat for someone who’s lost their voice. Can’t you at least pretend to be sad about it?”

A noise of protest escapes his throat like second nature as your eyes carefully read the quick movements of his mouth. “And can you not be so mean to someone who’s lost their voice?”

A faint smirk creeps its way up to your lips. “Still like me now?”

Jisung thinks hard for a few moments before jumping out of bed to snatch his notepad from your studying area. Of course, I like you. I like you a lot. Your heartbeat momentarily spikes at his scrawny handwriting. Just when your gaze is averted away to cool the blush on your cheeks, he tugs at your sleeve again and points at a different mess of scribbles. You’re more gentle when I’m like this. And you’d always find me if I ever got into trouble. What’s there for me to be sad about?

“Annoying little shit,” you swallow your pride and let him settle his head against your chest.

His presence melts into yours during the hardest hours of the twenty-four, heartbeats on heartbeats and warmth on warmth. Your one regret is that you’re unable to register his tears that night, only the incoherent, breathless hiccups almost as to desperately call out your name.

It’s been a month since Jisung’s lost his voice. And the night when he kisses you for the second time, his notepad is long forgotten next to your pillow.

I-can’t-talk. Give-me-a-break.

Jeongin. Cheesecake. Please? Pretty please?

I’ll fucking kick you.

Wait, there’s homework?!

...so you’re telling me LMAO isn’t how French people laugh?

“This is what you’ve been doing during breaks huh…” you mumble under your breath while lazily flipping through the papers. The occasional ‘I like you’-s do pop up every two pages or so, which is more than enough to make you smile like an idiot. But that is until a peculiar paragraph yanks your attention by its neck and tosses it against a brick wall.

Mom, promise me you’re not going to cry.

He made auntie cry?!

I lost my voice for real now but it wasn’t supposed to be like that at first. I just wanted to mess with Y/N and freak her out for a day.

I’m seriously going to punch him.

She was a lot softer toward me after that, you know. I know it’s extremely selfish of me but I just can’t help being so happy. I’m sorry, mom. I really am.

Han Jisung you fucking idiot.

I was going to surprise her on my birthday by saying ‘good morning’ out loud but nothing came out. My voice was gone.

Guilt, anger, remorse take over you. You knew nothing of this. You never once questioned for a logical reason behind the loss of his voice and kept moving onward as if it’s not that big of a deal. You didn’t suspect it as a kind of prank, either. But you still care, all this time! You have been doing everything in your power as a way for both you and Jisung to treasure himself even if he can’t speak anymore.

I went to a check-up last week. Nothing came up. I’m sorry. Please don’t cry.

However, without fail, the obnoxious part of you will keep wandering back to the concept of soulmates that has been engraved so deeply into the society you’re living in. It makes no sense to you that Jisung lost his voice for no reason right before his sixteenth birthday. This explains it all now.

It’s going to be okay, mom. Because I have Y/N. I know she would come running toward my side over and over again even if she can’t hear me anymore. I really don’t know what I’d do without her in my life.

Jisung knew the penalty for being the first to exchange any words of love yet he still did it. And you were too busy overlooking that stupid pride of yours to say those three words back.

It’s getting to the point where I’m starting to forget what I used to sound like. I’m sorry. Please don’t cry.

Jisung fixes the strap of his backpack, looking up at his mom after slipping into his sneakers. She ruffles his bed head and hands him a small white box with Jeongin’s bakery’s signature logo on it.

He tilts his head in faint confusion, peering at the box of pastry in his arms.

“Give it to Y/N on the bus, okay? Her parents aren’t home right now. You know how she would always skip breakfast when they’re out of town.”

His eyes light up instantly in realization and Jisung nods, preparing to bid her farewell. Just then, his front door comes flying open. It can’t be a mere acquaintance because there are very few people other than his parents and himself who know of the spare key hidden under the welcome mat.

As Jisung turns around, he’s keenly aware of your teary eyes already trained on him. Which in hindsight, makes no sense. As a result, panic rises within the hollowness of his chest, his lips falling agape but no coherent words come out.

“Y/N, sweetheart,” his mom flinches, slightly caught off guard, “Is everything okay?”

A scowl stretches over your contorted features as you shut the door loudly. “What the hell is this?” you question, shoving the familiar notepad into his chest. “A prank? A prank?! Do you think that this is funny?”

Jisung’s frantic eyes move to read the paper and every single color on his face drains tremendously. He easily recognizes the peculiar paragraph by how much lighter the ink is compared to the rest of the messy lines because his pen was running low and his hand couldn’t stop shaking.

Your voice.

His eyes avert back to look at you. His brows furrow timidly and shaky breaths burst from his lips almost like a desperate cry for help. There’s too much he wants to say, too many things to explain, and too many questions running through his head that he can’t process what to do next. He might just overwhelm both you and himself.

I need to hear it again.

And you might not stay by his side this time.

“Okay, don’t answer me then, I guess,” you chuckle lowly, dipping your head and turning around.

Jisung grabs at your sleeve instinctively and drops the pastry box, his gaze empty and all too knowing. Sorrow glazes over his starry eyes when it starts becoming hard to breathe properly. The outlines of his lips are moving non-stop yet nothing comes following after that.

“I don’t know what you’re saying,” you rasp out and tug at his hand. Then it hits you. He’s like this because of you. Jisung lost his voice because of you.

His mom cuts into the conversation, “Y/N, you don’t understand!”

“I’m sorry, auntie,” you smile sadly and take off running into the streets.

You, in the midst of your self-loathing and guilt, allow your feet to go wherever they want as your vision spirals into a blur. A single droplet threatens to fall when a forceful hand yanks you back to reality.

It takes Jisung a moment to regain his regular breathing pace. And when he finally gets it, all he can do is call out to you with the same inaudible sounds and the same desperation in his eyes. It seems as though he’s fully aware that the prank was the stupidest, most irrational thing he’s ever done. But there’s more to the ocean within his eyes than just remorse.

“I already told you,” you clench your jaw and slap his hand away, “I don’t fucking know what you’re saying!”

A deep sigh. “Why am I mad? Of course, I’d be mad! It’s because of me that you lost your voice! It’s because I like you, too! Yet I never said it back… You lost your voice because of me! Don't you get it? Why can't you just hate me for the sake of it?!”

You miss his voice. You miss it a lot.

You want to hear it again. You want to hear him call you by your name. You want to stay up late and talk about anything to the ends of the Earth and back with him. You want him to be the obnoxious, chatty Han Jisung you've always known.

You miss how annoyingly loud he is.

“Y-Y...Y/N…!”

Jisung collapses onto his knees, a hand on concrete while the other is on his neck. His chest rises and falls unevenly, muffled noises of discomfort echoing deep down from his throat. Despite that, what you heard just now, is his voice.

“Answer me when I call your name. So I’d know that you’re still here with me.”

“I promised you, didn’t I,” you spread your arms and smile warmly, “That I’d always answer when you call my name. As long as I can still hear you, I will come running toward you over and over again. Doesn’t matter what it takes, doesn’t matter where you are.”

Jisung lifts his head and tears come rolling down on his cheeks. His throat feels swollen when he stutters with difficulties, trying to convey what’s in his head, “Y-Y/N, don’t- don’t go! Please don’t leave me...!”

“Come here,” you close your eyes with the widest grin on your lips, “I’m not going anywhere.”

Only when Jisung grows closer and throws his arms around you, sobbing into your uniform do you convince yourself that all of this isn’t a hallucination. The hug is a lot stronger than what you’d expect. First of all, you nearly fell over from the impact and your arms are pinned so tightly to your sides that you feel like your ribs are going to snap.

Everything is so overwhelming that all you can say is, “Ow.”

“Sorry,” he mumbles into your hair and loosens his arms a bit so you can loop your hands to the nape of his neck and hair.

“You’re so annoying, Han Jisung.”

He purses his lips, sniffling, “You tried to make me snap on purpose. Meanie.”

You quirk a playful brow, “Still like me now?”

“Yeah,” Jisung smiles, “A lot.”

Because he knows that he has you. Until every last star in the galaxy explodes as a supernova, Jisung has you.

[thekatebridgerton]

penelope as LW: *sounds like a wise old lady who Knows absolutely Everything and hints at Scandalous Stuff*

penelope in reality: pregnant??? without getting married??? how is that possible???????? ????????????? tHrOuGh LOVE?????????????? *insert confused woman meme*

I mean it checks out do you know how many 15 yo in AO3 who have never had a boyfriend write better smut than seasoned sex experts?

Penelope was just following the age old tradition of embellish fanfiction with imagination and sounding legit. There are teens in AO3 who know more about sex than I do. Heck I learned about sex from AO3 and we're all total virgins in real life

Penelope being Lady Whistledown at 16 without knowing anything about scandalous stuff and sounding like she was an experienced woman is actually one of the most realistic things there is in the whole franchise.... (When you're someone who started writing fanfiction at age 12 and never looked back, this checks out)

In the books and in the show. Penelope is faking it. Totally! But she's a writer! Faking it in print is part of what we do.

I could write better smut at 16 than I can now because at 16 I had a bigger imagination. And things like 'human physiology' and 'physical impossibilities' didn't bother me.

I can imagine how proud Penelope was of people who read Lady Whistledown and thought she knew about bedroom stuff and what rakes did in Covent garden after dark. Girl had mad writing skills. No wonder her publisher loved her. Experienced woman yeah right, girl just spent too much time listening to people talk while they were ignoring her and put two and two together.

If you notice LW never actually goes into specifics when she talks about things Penelope doesn't know the specifics of. She just hints at it with some witty remark or some metaphor that will get people going, she doesn't have to know about scandals to pretend she does, as long as her readers have their mind dirty enough, a clever turns of phrase will do the trick.

Penelope doesn't have to outright say Anthony was cannodling with Sienna in Lady Whistledown. She doesn't know the dynamics of what happens between a lord and his mistress. But her readers do, so she just must hint that a certain Viscount and a beautiful opera singer frequently sought out by many men were seen together at so and so ball. The waging tongues will do the rest

But truthfully Penelope is the perfect example of a fanfiction author who can write smut like a pro, yet in real life is the most innocent looking virgin ever.

Reason #5365 why I'm #teamPenelope

Ps: Hey adult followers here's a question for those who read fanfiction. What type of stuff did you read and write at age 16? Personally I was already reading the Bridgerton books and Christina Dodd's governess bride series when I was 14, so at 16 there might have been worse things...

Right Pen?

[catty-words]

Okay, so I’ve been rereading a ton of benvi fanfic and naturally I came across your fanfic “You’re gonna fall (but I’ll catch you)”. You know the one. And as I was rereading I was taking like note of parts I really liked and I noticed all these little metaphors (is that the right word? Idk) of how their kisses are like the beginning of a novel, which is so so clever. Cause their first kiss was the beginning of their love story and it’s just so good.

I just loved it! The whole thing is brilliant and how you write Ben and Devi’s banter is absolutely wonderful. But I think my favorite thing is how you write Devi and all her inner thoughts and motivations. You just get her characterization so perfectly. Also her relationship with Nalini is written so beautifully, the struggles and their eventual hope at reconciliation. Anyways, sorry for rambling. But I really loved it, I really love all your writing. You are extremely talented. Thanks for blessing the fandom with your talent. ❤️

i tried to answer this last night when i got it, but all i could do was stare at this feeling absolutely Overcome so. let's see if i can scrape together some coherent thoughts today. 🙏

the thing about all the story-related creative language in this fic is that i was overindulging my own love of reader!ben. i will never stop getting mileage out of the "what? i'm a reader!" line.

the other thing about it - aside from the fact that choosing a Theme for the metaphors is just something i find useful when it comes to writing sexy scenes for giving the whole thing a polish and cohesion - is that it's devi unconsciously sharing ben's outlook on life. the same thing she mocks him for - being too swept up in fiction - is the thing they bond over. as much as she doesn't want to see herself in ben because she's, like, so much cooler than him, thank you very much, they are undeniably alike where it matters.

the other other thing about this thread is that it's an extension of canon's own preoccupation with agency and what having it means for devi. in the fic, though she feels pretty destabilized because of the loss of her dad and her fight with nalini, she still can't help thinking in terms of what it means to be in charge of the proverbial pen. and craving that control while also thinking about her life in terms of writing a fictional story is the perfect dissonance for her. she wants the control at the same time she's actually surrendering her ownership of it by thinking of her actions as a story she's telling herself.

and ben noticing and calling her out on it is like. once again they share something essential about how they view the world. he can see what she's doing to her life and put a name to it so readily because he's dealt with similar impulses. and also because he's an insufferable philosophy major. 💙

[sugarcoated-lame]

‘Options exhausted and the gala fast approaching, he can barely bring himself to look you in the eye these days.’ ):

“Morning.” Jake says quietly, like he’s ashamed to have been caught being so affectionate. The look on his face is hard to ignore. He has already withdrawn from this exchange before he moves to get up from the bed.’ Katie, you’re breaking my heart 😭

‘The intrigue in her voice should be a dead giveaway. On a day where your head was a little clearer, you would’ve taken time to analyze exactly what it was about her tone that didn’t feel quite right.’ Oh Apollo… my heart plummeted into my stomach bc we already know Blake isn’t going to keep her mouth shut..

‘Options exhausted, every box checked and each one of them a dud, there’s nothing that Jake can do but revel in the time he has left where you’ll believe in him.’

Ugh this chapter was so good and so heartbreaking!! Jake pulling away from Apollo because of his guilt, Apollo reverting back to fighting and threatening him because he won’t tell her about what’s going on, and now the both of them having secrets from one another!!!! I’m so sad but also loving the drama, very anxious and excited to see what happens next!! 🥰❤️❤️❤️

Operation Apollo | 2.1 | Jake Seresin x Reader au

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synopsis: After a threat is made against her life, the President’s grown up daughter gets her security tripled. Her long term detail is about to retire and needs replacing, only — she isn’t the easiest to work with. Ex-Navy and current Secret Service, Jake Seresin is devoted to being the best at everything he does. He isn’t going to let a bratty little girl cost him this job.

warnings: age gap, power imbalance, enemies to lovers, danger and angst, mentions of sex, mentions of plotted kidnapping, dark themes to follow, arguing, lack of communication on both sides. Smut (pinv) briefly at the end. 4k words

…

Awake long enough to see the full range of the sky’s gradient, an almost grey Steele colour to a powder blue brightened by the morning sun, Jake rubs a hand tiredly over his aching eyes. They hurt when he closes them, so he tries not to.

“I’m a busy man, Seresin, I can’t keep having this conversation with you.”

Matthew’s voice is stern on the line, there’s a monotony to it, like he’s already bored of speaking about this. They have had this conversation before, four times already actually. But Jake hasn’t grown bored of it. In fact, he can’t think of anything else.

Sleep-deprived and out of sorts, Jake’s heart aches in his chest.

“There’s just — there has to be another way,” Jake says gently.

Fiddling with a pen, taking it’s intricate insides apart and piecing it back together, Matthew stifles a sigh. He rubs a hand over his eyes and shoots a look towards his assistant, then shakes his head. The pause tells Jake what he needs to know.

“She’s never going to trust any of us again.” Jake insists, his voice quieter now than it had been before. Matthew barely notices, frowning as the pen bursts and ink spills out onto his fingertips.

“She’ll trust who I tell her to trust,” Matthew answers back, discarding the pen with little thought to the damage that it causes. Black ink seeping out onto hundred year old wood. Caring more for the mess on his hand, he reaches for a tissue and swipes the ink from his fingers. “Now, if you don’t mind, kid — I’ve got an important meeting to get to.”

The line clicks dead before Jake’s got an opportunity to respond. You hum softly and press closer to him, your cheek smushed into his abdomen and your arms draped loosely around his hips. He presses his tongue to the inside of his cheek as he soaks in the image of you like this, sleeping so peacefully against him.

He follows the curve of your back as his fingers trail, featherlight, along the length of your spine. Ten days of knowing what he knows.

At first, he tried to take it in his stride. There’s no certainty in missions like these, there is almost always another way. Options exhausted and the gala fast approaching, he can barely bring himself to look you in the eye these days.

This is easier. Just this moment. Your bare chest lying against his front, sheets just covering your bottom half.

He knows that you’re on to him. He hasn’t exactly been subtle about his withdrawal. Yet, you’ve come sneaking into his bed for the last ten days straight without fail. Even if he hasn’t touched you since you left San Diego.

Almost certainly, that’s what last night’s display was about. Him standing by the balcony door, letting the fresh air soothe the strain in his chest, when you pulled open your balcony door. Wearing nothing but a skimpy pair of underwear, you had strolled right past him, looking him dead in the eye, and then slipped into his bed without a word.

Still nothing. Jake had stepped out onto the balcony to continue his conversation without fear of you hearing. When he had returned, you were already asleep. He can’t pretend that he wasn’t glad that you were.

His lips quirk softly as you hike your leg around his, shifting closer. He smooths his hand over the subtle v-shape your underwear makes, stretched out over your hips when you lie like this. It’s cute that you need his affection the way that you do. He likes giving it to you.

It just doesn’t feel right now. It won’t again until he knows that he has done everything in his power to keep you safe. As many options as he has exhausted, he can’t stop trying just yet. Two more days until he’s supposed to take you to the airport and let you attend that gala.

Jake smooths the backs of his fingers across your cheek softly. The action tickles your skin and makes you stir. Still deep in sleep, sprawled out across white sheets, one of your hands presses to his stomach like you’re checking that he’s still there. He exhales slowly, finding peace in watching you sleep.

He wishes he could join you, the two of you tangled peacefully in pleasant dreams. He hasn’t been sleeping much lately. Too busy trying to fix it. Hundreds of phone calls, emails, freedom of information requests and accessing confidential documents. And still, the man at the top says that his plan is the best.

Jake remembers starting this job and knowing that the danger you were in was so grave that it had to be kept from you. He remembers reading the letter that was on your pillow, his stomach churning at the lines and lines of detailed threats.

Reaching for fabric to unconsciously tug him closer, your fingers extend against the ridges on his stomach and your brows furrow slightly. Never one to deny you, even when you’re not awake to make the request, he knows you well enough to know what you want. Shifting down the bed slightly, he presses himself against your side and drapes an arm around you, pressing a gentle kiss to your forehead.

As you settle into this new position, Jake holds you a little closer, resting his cheek against the top of your head. Your heart beats steadily against his, the soothing rhythm almost enough to drag him into the sleep that he has been fighting. Still fighting now, he keeps himself awake by massaging your back, gently kneading and stroking your skin under his warm palm.

“Mm, feels nice.” You hum softly into his chest.

He damn near flinches at the sudden sound of your voice, even with its half-awake cadence and muffled start. Eyes widening, he pulls back to find you smiling sleepily with your eyes still closed. You scrunch your features, preparing for the morning light, beginning with a few soft blinks to adjust before you really look at him.

“Morning.” You smile, stretching your arms above your head. With Jake’s sudden change in attitude this past week, this affection is a welcome surprise. Almost ten days of downright glacial treatment from the blonde haired agent. He’s been working hard so you’ve given him a pass.

You’re not too sure with what but the elections are picking up speed now and things always get a little tricky around this time. That, and you’re going to be back in classes from next month.

“Morning.” Jake says quietly, like he’s ashamed to have been caught being so affectionate. The look on his face is hard to ignore. He has already withdrawn from this exchange before he moves to get up from the bed. You reach out and catch his dog tags, knowing that he won’t pull back hard enough to risk you breaking them.

He turns his head, glancing down at your fingers curled around the metal, slowly lifting his gaze to look at your face again.

“Stay in bed.” It’s neither a request or an order. It’s the first thing you’ve asked of him in a while. Releasing the metal, you smooth your fingers along the inside of his arm. Trailing along each inch of warm skin, following the veins on his forearm down until you can entwine your fingers with his and give a gentle tug.

“I’ve got a phone call to make.” Jake answers, giving a soft shake of his head. He squeezes your hand and moves to drop it. Pushing yourself up and supporting your weight against your palms, your face doesn’t give much away about what you’re wanting to say to him. But he knows anyway.

“Jake,” It’s quiet, almost like a warning — the look in your eyes tells him that it’s more of a plea. “Just stay for a little bit longer.”

His eyes trail downwards, his shoulder casting a shadow across the morning glow that has managed to soak the rest of your body. Wearing nothing but a white cotton thong, giving the excuse of last night’s lingering heat even with the sound of the air conditioning in the room muffling your words. The manufactured chill covers your body even now, his absence making it all the worse. Your nipples perked and goosebumps covering your arms. Jake trails his fingers over them, feeling your eyes on him. Waiting for his decision.

“This… it’s an important call.” He offers you no other consolation, no excuse, as he pushes himself up from the bed and turns his back on you. He can’t bring himself to touch you with such a weight on his mind. Until he has fixed this, he doesn’t deserve to.

“Jake.” You repeat. He doesn’t look at you, grabbing some shorts from beside the bed and pulling them up his legs. He has been showering in the downstairs gym so that there’s no chance of him bumping into you while you’re still laying in his bed. Exhaling heavily, he grabs his phone and moves for the door.

“Jake, if you don’t look at me right now, I swear to god, I’m going to start screaming.” Right back where you started, fighting fire with fire. It works and you’re met with an endearingly serious jade-coloured gaze. A silent warning from the man at the foot of the bed. He stares back at you. The almost naked girl in his bed with his heart in the palm of her hand.

Exhausted and already at his whit’s end with the careless decisions that your family seem prone to making, he shakes his head.

“Do what you want, honey.” Jake replies, tone calm and calculated. Knowing that you care for him too much follow through with your threat. He slips his phone into the pocket of his gym shorts and cranes his neck to the left. He’s wound so tight these days that it feels like his head might roll right off of his shoulders if he dares to stretch further.

Your gaze burns into his back as he curls his fingers around the door handle and tugs it open.

“What is the matter with you, you fucking asshole?”

Jake goes to ignore you. It’s his every intention. It’s even in motion, the door swinging shut behind him as he starts down the hallway. It’s only when he hears it bump into the wall as you swing it back open that he can’t call your bluff any further.

“I’m talking to you!” You insist.

Jake spins, green eyes blown exceptionally wide at the sight of you in the doorway. Two steps forward and you’ll be in the frame of the hallway camera.

“Don’t you dare.” Jake warns, squinting as he takes a step back in your direction. Immediately, he knows this was the wrong thing to do. There’s a glint in your eye that tells him he just played right into your hands. Either he comes to you or you go to him. “Put some fucking clothes on or something, anyone could—“

“I don’t care if the entire secret service sees! I said: I’m talking to you. Don’t walk away from me!” Your voice carries and the open-planned house doesn’t do much to stifle the noise.

Jake walks forwards so swiftly that instinct carries you a couple of steps back. Far enough into the room for him to slam the door shut and corner you against his dresser.

“Keep your fucking voice down.” He warns you, deadly serious now.

“I’ll let this whole neighborhood know what a dick you’re being if you don’t start giving me answers, Seresin.” You poke a finger into his chest and square your shoulders. Even with him hulking over you, there’s not a chance that you’re going to budge on this.

“It’s not my job to give you answers.” Jake answers back. The words spill from the inside of his mouth, cold and sharp. You squint at him.

“I don’t think it’s in your job description to fuck me either, and yet here we are.”

He inhales slowly and exhales even slower. You study his face, trying to find the answers you need between the furrows and creases in his features.

“Something happened in San Diego, and you’re going to tell me what it was.” You insist, standing up straighter so that he has no choice but to take a step back and give you room.

“I don’t take orders from you.” Jake replies swiftly, green eyes on yours without faltering in the slightest.

“If you want me to go over your head on this, Jake, then—“

He scoffs and pulls back, pinching the bridge of his nose. The idea is almost laughable, he truly has to stop himself from laughing at you. Something seethes through him, his fists clenching and unclenching at his sides as he paces back. “Try it. Be my fucking guest. Call your dad.”

At least then it’ll be on him to explain this fucked up bet he has made, with you as the wager. In fact, Jake would enjoy that. The plan would fall through, you’d realise everything that Jake has been doing to keep you safe and he’d be able to start sleeping again.

Seeing him almost laugh at you changes the tone of the conversation entirely. You’ve been here before, and this feeling certainly isn’t unfamiliar. The only one who doesn’t know.

Such a bright girl. So clever. Such a bright future. Beautiful and smart. All of those compliments, all of those good grades — and there’s always still a man standing in front of you, trying not to laugh.

“Maybe I will call him,” You bite back, straightening up again like something will change and suddenly you’ll be the one towering over him. It sure feels that way with this anger surging through you. “I’m sure it would do wonders for your career if I were to speak to my dad today.”

“Did you just threaten me?” Jake’s brows knit together and he presses forwards. Your back bumps into his dresser before you even realize that you’ve stepped back. He gives you a quick glance up and down, then steps out of your space. “Put some fucking clothes on. Keep yourself busy today, I don’t want you bugging me for anything.”

This time when he goes for the door, you let him. You let it slam shut behind you and pretend that it doesn’t make you flinch.

Jake pretends that he doesn’t hear you screaming ‘asshole’ as he continues downstairs. Reaching the bottom of the stairs, several eyes are on him.

“Don’t you idiots have something you should be doing?” Jake bites, shaking his head as he continues past the living room and towards the gym. He spends the rest of the morning carefully maneuvering the house, making sure there’s not a chance that he’s going to run into you.

“I was surprised that you called! — it’s been forever.” Blake’s face is turned towards the sun as her long, slender legs sprawl along the lounger. Her martini glass rests against her stomach, droplets of condensation trailing along the stem and onto her fair, freckled skin.

Your posture attempts to mimic hers. Only, your fingers drum against the side of your hi-ball glass and the inside of your cheek has gone numb from all of the nervous chewing. It’s a while afternoon by this point, the sun is high and there’s a breeze soft enough to make the heat deceptively mild.

“Mm, well, I missed you.” You reply gently.

She doesn’t move, squaring her shoulders and adjusting her tanning position just slightly, “I missed you too. But you sounded kind of upset on the phone.”

Closing your eyes for a moment, your thankful that your sunglasses mask the realisation. All of those years of media training and your runway model friend can see right through it. You’re letting your guard slip. Your brows scrunch softly at the pain in your head.

“Just kind of a crappy week, nothing big. How’ve you been anyway?”

“I just got back from Italy actually,” “You know, the girls and I are going to Belize at the end of the month. You should come. I was going to invite you, but you’re kind of hard to reach sometimes.”

“I don’t think that would fly.” You shake your head quickly, shooting a quick glance to the rookie sitting up on the deck. He might as well have a pair of binoculars for how intently he’s watching the two of you.

“I’m sure you could strike up a deal with one of the men in black, right? — Get them to pull some strings for you?” She pulls her sunglasses down and winks. It’s just a lighthearted joke, she doesn’t mean anything by it. Until she sees the look on your face.

You have had classes on this since you were a kid. Someone stepping on a nerve and you not flinching in the slightest. Yet, she barely even nudges the cover of your secret and your demeanor changes.

Turning your head, your gaze focuses on the pool as you shift. Pretending that it’s just to find a comfier spot rather than fidgeting with nerves.

“Oh my god,” Blake turns, setting her glass down on the table between the two of you, then propping herself up on her palm. Every fibre of her attention is on you — which is a rare occurrence from Blake. “Are you fucking one of them?”

The intrigue in her voice should be a dead giveaway. On a day where your head was a little clearer, you would’ve taken time to analyze exactly what it was about her tone that didn’t feel quite right.

Today, you’re alone and you’re wounded, and she’s looking at you waiting for her answer.

“Jake.” You nod quietly.

“The one who came to my party?”

You nod sheepishly at her, lifting your sunglasses off of your face so that you can study her reaction a little more closely. She grins wolfishly and leans forwards. Up close, it appears as intrigue.

“Girl, tell me everything.” She sounds giddy as she smiles across at you, reaching for her glass again. And the floodgates open. You start from the beginning and it’s hard to slow down from there. The first gala, the party, the break-in, and then Texas.

“This is the best posting I’ve ever had,” The voice is hushed just the slightest amount, no real effort is being made to. A couple of chuckles follow it. “God, look at that. God bless America.” More chuckles follow.

Jake rounds the corner, fresh off of a phone call with the head of security at the White House and not in the mood to be fucked with. Three of the rookies standing around the kitchen, staring out of the window, focused on the pool. They take no notice of Jake as he strolls past them to check the view.

You’re lying on your stomach, in a black bikini that’s more strings and ties than it is real fabric. Standing from where he is, he’s got just about the perfect view. The swell of your ass covered by the skimpy black material and the curve of your breast peeking out from the side of the top, too deep in conversation to notice that you’re being watched.

“God, I’d fuck her into the next century, man.”

Jake turns his head slowly and his gaze locks on the kid who just made the mistake of speaking. He stares calmly. He’s a little too still, just watching in a way that’s unnerving enough to have the young man fidgeting on his feet.

“What? — Like you wouldn’t?” The boy tries, swallowing and glancing around to the others for help. Jake’s lips quirk softly. He glances back towards the pool and the girl that he loves, and back at the shithead that was drooling over her.

“I catch you doing that again, and I’ll drown you in that pool.” Jake warns calmly. He takes his time to look between the young agents and nods, just to confirm that he meant what he said. “Now, move.”

They scuttle away like bugs. Jake sighs softly, leaning against the kitchen island and resting his head in his hands. His temples throb when he closes his eyes, that can’t mean anything good.

“Have you heard those little perverts?”

Not a moment’s peace, Jake lifts his head as Manny strolls into the kitchen. He hums a tired agreement. Manny rolls his eyes at their behavior and leans against the other side of the island.

“So?”

“So, what?” Jake mumbles, rubbing softly at his eyes, hoping that it’ll make the pain stop long enough for him to keep his eyes going.

“So what’s up with you and Apollo?”

Jake looks up, struggling through the pain behind his eyes, brows furrowed. He waits for Manny to elaborate before he dares to attempt at an explanation.

“You two screaming at each other this morning?” Manny prompts. Jake closes his eyes again and stifles a sigh. It’s hard to care about keeping a low profile when someone knows how to step on his nerves like you do.

“Told her to put some damn clothes on. She can’t keep walking around here half naked.”

“Yeah, not with those little vultures hanging around. Her dad’s gonna kill us if she winds up sleeping with one of them, you know that, right?” Manny breathed out, shaking his head softly as he checks out of the window to make sure you’re still where you’re meant to be.

Jake hums and pinches the bridge of his nose. He isn’t trying to avoid you that afternoon. Not like he was this morning. It just so happens that you don’t run into him again until the evening.

He closes the door to his room and almost frowns when he sees that you aren’t in his bed. Before he has time, he registers the sound of the water running. Locking his bedroom door behind him, he gently twists the bathroom door handle and lets himself inside.

You’re silent, aware of his presence but not looking at him. You lather soap over your legs as he rids himself wordlessly of his clothes. Your breath catches in your throat as his chest presses into your back.

Jake drapes one arm around your waist and pulls you back against him. He turns his face into the crook of your neck and leaves soft kisses against your damp skin.

“I love you.” He reminds you, working a string of kisses along the ridge of your shoulder. You lean back into his touch, silent. He wouldn’t be saying that if he knew.

Telling Blake had never been part of the plan. You hadn’t realised quite how much you had been holding in until you had started to let it out. It had felt so good to finally talk about it, to finally say it out loud. Such a relief, each word truly a weight off of your chest.

Now, a new weight presses heavy on you. Knowing that it’s only a matter of time. That you could’ve screwed it all up. That he’ll never trust you again. You whimper softly as he nips at the column of your throat. He snakes both arms around your torso and squeezes you tight in his arms.

Options exhausted, every box checked and each one of them a dud, there’s nothing that Jake can do but revel in the time he has left where you’ll believe in him.

You lean forwards and arch your back away from his chest as he sucks softly at your throat, squeezing his arms around your middle. Catching hold of his thigh for leverage, a small whimper slips your lips as you grind back.

Jake’s hand nudges between your legs, mouth working expertly against your neck. After ten days without his touch, you’re soaking his fingers in a matter of minutes, shivering against his hold even under the steamy water.

“You want it?” Jake breathes out as you grind yourself back against him. He kisses every part of skin that he can reach, keeping you pressed into his chest. You nod feverishly, humming a quick please that’s lost somewhere between the running stream of water and the soft groan that vibrates from his lips and onto your neck.

You gasp softly as he withdraws his fingers and presses the tip of his cock into you, a contented moan falling from your lips. Jake exhales slowly against your skin as he sinks in deeper until he’s buried in you completely.

“Missed you.” You breathe out quietly, trying to rock your hips. Jake presses a palm into the wall in front of you and grabs your hip with the other, nodding as he settles his forehead against the back of your shoulder.

“Missed you too, darlin’.” He murmurs.

…

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