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moonlitgleek · 6 years ago

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On Account of Her Womanhood

I started this post over two months ago with the hope that it would help me work through my iffy feelings on Fire and Blood, namely how much I dislike the way many of the female characters are written in this book and how it repeats and expands on some unsavory elements of GRRM’s narrative that have been broadly noted in fandom across multiple books. But a closer look only increased my frustration with this book for how it underlined several of Martin’s problematic patterns when it comes to writing women but in a more condensed form this time, perhaps due to the nature of the medium. The history book form of F&B focuses these recurring problems and offers little to offset or challenge them that the authorial issue of casual and uncritical misogynistic writing feels more pervasive. It may be that Martin tried to address at least one aspect that’s been criticized before, but I remain disquieted with how he largely traded one issue for another.

Whatever the case, I think that a writer of Martin’s caliber and with his affinity for interrogating and examining traditional genre tropes can and should do better than this uncritical use of misogynistic writing that he not only leaves to stand unchallenged, but actively leans into. In this depressingly long post, I’ll address some of the problems that jumped out at me while reading. Feel free to add any I may have overlooked.

Objectification and the categorical sexualization of female bodies:

One of the most noticeable trends I found in F&B is how distinctly different it treats male and female bodies. While there may be plenty of overlapping, there is a decidedly heavier focus on sex in women’s stories. Too many stories witnesses a woman’s ultimate fate incorporate a sexual component, often violent and/or fatal, that is if the story isn’t completely built on sexual appetites or escapades. Fire and Blood dives into the personal lives of its characters far more than its cousin The World of Ice and Fire, and that has translated to a lot of sex. That is not inherently a bad thing, but F&B is also notably heavier on female characters so it’s really conspicuous that the number of women goes up in direct proportion to the increase in cases of sexualization and sex stories.

To put it mildly, women’s stories are drenched in sex, to the point where I’ve compiled a list in my initial notes under the title “Gyladyn is a Pervert” due to the sheer amount of unsolicited, unnecessary and disturbingly detailed accounts of women’s sexual experiences. You’d be hard pressed to go one chapter without focus being given to minute details of women’s sex lives which sometimes spans whole pages of the text. It’s primarily the women who get framed through a sexual lens in this book, especially in instances where the female characters don’t even get a story that is not based on their sexual history. Sexuality is not just one aspect of a woman’s personality like it is for the men, it is the core of her entire characterization. Far too many Targaryen ladies get that treatment, along with a myriad of other women. I chose some examples to discuss, but they are but a drop in the total number of characters receiving that treatment.

Coryanne Wylde

Lady Coryanne’s story is the most infamous examples of a gratuitous sex tale that doesn’t serve any real purpose in the narrative, but not only does it occupy way too much space in Gyldayn’s writing, he goes on to describe in excruciating detail the violation and abuse of a young girl while consistently blaming her for it. For all that Gyldayn keeps saying that we need not concern ourselves with the sordid details of A Caution For Young Girls, we get to hear quite a lot about Coryanne’s sexual history.

Coryanne’s entire narrative derives from sex. She gets no other story and no other characterization. Her voice and actions are filtered through the opinions and assumptions of various maesters. Her body is presented as an object for more powerful and/or older men to use and abuse, and the one spin of her story that affords her some figment of agency (i.e, the take that Coryanne taught Jaehaerys how to have sex because she became fond of him and Alysanne) deliberately minimizes how dysfunctional her entire situation is and neglects to reflect her real age and experiences by casting her as someone with more carnal knowledge and the ability to teach Jaehaerys about sex. Keep in mind that Coryanne’s so-called sexual "knowledge” has been exclusively through rape.

I read to what amounts to one quarter of a chapter about Coryanne Wylde but I still have no idea who this girl was. What I do know is way too much information about her sexual history and the men who took advantage of her.

Rhaena Targaryen

Rhaena is luckier than Coryanne in the sense that her characterization doesn’t derive solely from her sexuality and her story is more nuanced and layered. However, not only does Rhaena’s sexuality remain the underlying factor in her narrative, it’s kinda absurd how the narrative ties itself into knots trying to justify the inclusion of rumors about how Rhaena lost her virginity to a lowborn lover whose identity is debated, even though the information presented thus far by the in-universe author contradicts the very premise of those rumors or even the reasoning presented as the cause for discussing those rumors. The whispers of Rhaena’s so-called affair is preceded by rather strong hints of Rhaena’s preference of women; though that does not necessarily preclude the possibility of her liking men too as her reported affection for her brother Aegon suggests, it’s that affection and the note about how Rhaena and Aegon grew up expecting and welcoming their eventual nuptials that makes Rhaena’s supposed loss of virginity to a random guy all the more weird. Too, it’s been noted previously that Rhaena neither encouraged nor entertained any of her many suitors and instead preferred the company of her siblings, dragon and her latest favorite Alayne Royce. So for rumors to exist about her having a raunchy affair with some lowborn guy she met while dragonriding is not only random but baseless. Where did these rumors come from if there is nothing in Rhaena’s history to either trigger or support them?

The reasoning the narrative gives us for those rumors is to explain Rhaena and Aegon’s marriage, since Aenys was supposedly driven to marry Rhaena off as soon as possible in light of these rumors. However, reports of Rhaena and Aegon’s closeness and their expectation to wed, as well as the Targaryen incestuous tradition more than explains the match and Aenys’ decision, especially since Rhaena and Aegon were well-within the normal age for marriage in Westeros. There is nothing weird about this match that warrants an obscure affair to explain. Which only serves to illustrate the oddity of this unsolicited commentary on Rhaena’s virginity. Those rumors stand as a random tangent about a subject that no one should care about in the context of the story. Who cares whether Rhaena was a virgin or not when she married Aegon? What possible effect did her virginity or possible lack thereof have on the narrative for it to be included? The way this story is handled, Rhaena’s sexual agency is there to serve as a matter of intrigue, speculation and scandal when there is no fathomable reason for that to happen, not to mention that it makes Rhaena’s dynastic role as the expected future queen dependent on the expression of her sexuality.

Alyssa Targaryen

Full disclosure: I hate how Jaehaerys and Alysanne’s daughters are written and how sex is the make of their stories. That’s the case for five of the seven daughters they had, and it is infuriating. Is this the best you could come up with for the daughters of the best Targaryen queen Westeros has seen, GRRM? Sex, dead (Daenerys), septa (Maegelle who is clever and reconciled her parents, that’s mostly it) and barely mentioned (if you count Jocelyn Baratheon) are the only options?

The characterization of Princess Alyssa starts off promising enough with information about her personality, her unladylike interests and her closeness to her brother Baelon, but quickly devolves to be solely about sex. We literally do not hear one word from Alyssa’s mouth that is not about sex. Her story is a tale about how she loved sex, had sex, joked about sex and shrieked during sex. For all the narrative says that Alyssa was brave and irrepressible, it reduces her to someone whose sole purpose and sole story focus is sex. Alyssa Targaryen exists to have sex with Baelon and give birth to Viserys and Daemon before conveniently dying of complications after birthing her third son.

Alyssa’s story is not only symptomatic of the incessant sexualization in this book but of the recurring misogynistic problem of reducing women to their sexuality and fertility. Alyssa’s function in the story becomes intrinsically tied to both since the narrative never bothers to give her anything outside of her sex life. What non-sexual tidbits we get are either dismissed or glossed over. This is a princess who reportedly delighted in dragonriding, followed her brothers to the training yard and eschewed ladylike activities but for some reason, she responds to Baelon’s statement about how his bravery in battles does not measure to her own in giving birth by telling him that he was made for battles and she was made for childbirth. What even is that?

Alyssa Targaryen is a woman of whom Septon Barth said: “Alyssa may be all her mother is and more”, but we never get any elaboration on that. Instead we get to know about how Alyssa’s sounds of pleasure echoed through the Red Keep on a regular basis and how she constantly wanted to have sex.

Saera Targaryen

Dear god, is this an optimal example of how this book centers women’s characterization on their sexuality. Saera’s story is that she had sex with her companions and Jaehaerys punished her for having sex with her companions, which filters all aspects of her personality through a sexual lens by the narrative. It’s rather pointed that everything we know of Saera’s childhood is almost exclusively negative with a clear vibe of presenting her behavior as an escalating problem that reaches its peak when she has sex. It felt like Saera’s entire characterization up to when her sexual relations are discovered is one long build-up to that point of discovery. Saera’s “appetites” are remarked upon since she is literally a baby in a rather clear attempt to underscore her later actions when those appetites turned sexual. This is not simply a matter of hindsight coloring perception of Saera too, given how Maetser Elysar’s comments about how Saera “wants what she wants and she wants it now” are dated to 69 AC, when Saera was all of two. That gives the feel that Saera’s sexuality was the fulcrum that the rest of her characterization was build on, which certainly explains why her sexual affairs are framed as an extension of her previous bad behavior.

Daella Targaryen

Oh but this is a lesson in frustration. Daella's story doesn’t drip of sex like her sister Saera, but even when she is not unbearably sexualized, sex is still a primary filter that Gyldayn uses to shape our perception of her as this childlike frightened figure who apparently had no interests and no purpose in life other than needing comfort, and who wouldn’t talk to boys because she was frightened.

The text infantilizes Daella to such an extent that her disinterest in men who had no interest in her (Corlys Velaryon), who tried to force her into drinking (Simon Staunton) and who sexually assaulted her (Ellard Crane) is treated as a fault in Daella. Her entire story is about her parents’ ardent efforts to find a husband for her, a pursuit so irksome to Jaehaerys that he mandates that Daella must marry within the year when she approaches 16, in a conversation that introduces a rather needless sexual component in how Jaehaerys talks about Daella when he suggests lining a hundred naked men before his not-yet-16 year old daughter so she could pick one to marry. The story also seems to treat Daella’s later refusal of a bedding ceremony as a childish quirk that Rodrik Arryn indulged “his precious princess” in.

It might be a different facet of how a woman’s sexuality is used to define her than the previous cases, but it remains that Daella is treated as a sexual object by both the characters and the narrative in their dismay of how she doesn’t fit the traditional mold of womanly behavior and sexual mores in Westeros. It’s as if Daella is looked down upon for not having a sexual history.

Baela Targaryen

Wild, willful and wanton are the three words used to describe Baela Targaryen. It honestly boggles the mind that a character that has so much going for her gets introduced through a sexual situation. One of our first glimpses of Baela’s agency comes through the mention of her playing kissing games with squires followed by that one time she was found with a kitchen scullion who had his hand inside her jerkin. It’s especially notable to see how Baela’s willfulness (and unladylike behavior) is tied time and again to her sexuality and her interest in boys, which is very clear when Gyldayn talks about her unsuitable pets that she brought back to the Red Keep, a mention that is immediately followed by how her septa - who was in charge of Baela’s “moral instructions” - despaired of her and how Septon Eustace spoke of the need for her to wed immediately.

(Side note: I found the language of that paragraph so weird. It carries a heavy suggestion that Baela may have been involved sexually with her so-called pets, makes fun of her intelligence and suggests that she may or may have not been involved with the twin female prostitutes that the text then links to her own sister because they were twins “like us, Rhae” in Baela’s own words. There is a lot going on in that paragraph that I don’t know what to do with. Is Gyldayn trying to imply that Baela had sex with all of these people, including an entire trope of mummers and two girls that she explicitly connected to herself and her sister? Because he is certainly insinuating so, and I have been burned by this book enough already to assume good intentions).

Nettles

Instead of basing her characterization on it, how about we use a woman’s sexuality to undermine her accomplishments just to shake things up? Here’s a girl who relied on her intelligence instead of a pedigree to tame a dragon and succeeded in becoming a dragonrider, but her taming of Sheepstealer gets prefaced by a statement about how “worse was yet to come with dire consequences for the Seven Kingdoms” to preemptively blame Nettles for Rhaenyra’s own brutality and Daemon’s subsequent abandonment of her cause (a statement not made any better by talking about how “the power young maidens exert over older men is well-known” when discussing Daemon’s affair with Nettles as if to cast her as a seductress), and that’s when her dragontaming is not getting framed as something she traded sex for as suggested by Gyldayn’s speculation about how she traded sex for the sheep she fed Sheepstealer. He makes sure to treat us to his thoughts on the state of Nettles’ virginity when she began her affair with Daemon while he is at it as well.

Helaena Targaryen & Alicent Hightower

Straining logic to add a sexual rumor is a personal favorite of mine. Look, Gyldayn may be less zealous and less outrageous than Septon Eustace in his bias towards Aegon II, but he is still clearly biased towards him. He writes about him with a degree of sympathy not present in his writing of Rhaenyra and he goes out of his way to undermine events that may paint Rhaenyra in a better light while arguing against rumors that paint the greens as (more) monstrous. How convenient it is, then, for that bias to fail when it comes to discussing the rumor about how the teenage Alicent may have slept with both Viserys I before Aemma’s death and the elderly Jaehaerys I when she was his caretaker, a rumor that Gyldayn seems disinclined to believe (or so he claims) but more than willing to wink at its possible accuracy through a comment about how Alicent strangely spoke often of the Old King in her final hours but not of her late husband.

To add insult to injury, we’re also treated to a rumor about how Rhaenyra, on the behest of Mysaria, may have forcibly prostituted Alicent and Helaena in what comes to be referred to as the Brothel Queens. Spending time on a rumor that casts Rhaenyra in a bad light at least falls in line with Gyldayn’s biases, but it strains logic to have Mushroom be the source of that rumor. Why would a guy who loved Rhaenyra well as Gyldayn says perpetuate a rumor that casts Rhaenyra in such a monstrous light? It seems like the logic of this amounts to “Mushroom delights in sex tales and perverse rumors so he was the obvious choice” which doesn’t account for Mushroom’s feelings or biases (and which is problematic in its own way - do you think I missed that the two vulgar books that are widely quoted in this work were written by a woman and a dwarf, GRRM? Do you think I missed that the implication here is that Mushroom’s sexual perversions are prioritized over his depiction as a person who liked Rhaenyra?)

The Brothel Queens rumor adds nothing to the narrative but another case of unnecessary sexualization. Gyldayn ultimately rejects that rumor as false but I question the need to include it in the first place. Is it there to perhaps inform us that the public view of Rhaenyra was so bad at this point that people were inclined to not only believe in but also manufacture rumors about her monstrosity? Having one of Rhaenyra’s supporters as the accredited source of that rumor flies in the face of that, and narratively speaking, this doesn’t accomplish anything that the latter rumor about how Rhaenyra sent Maelor’s head to Helaena in a chamber pot - which is clearly framed as evidence of how much the public opinion on Rhaenyra has soured - doesn’t. So why is this pesky rumor there and what purpose does it have beyond showing us that Gyldayn is all too willing to spend his time discussing every sexual rumor under the sun?

As I’ve said, these examples are but a few of the number of women needlessly and excessively sexualized in this book. I have more on my list but talking about every story separately is going to make this post longer than it already is, not to mention be unbearably repetitive because many of them bear the same elements of having our knowledge of these women centered almost exclusively on their sex lives and their presence in the text reduced to their sexuality. Gael Targaryen was seduced, gave birth and died. Sara Snow's is a contrived and downright illogical story that only exists so she could have sex with Jace either as his wife or a fling. All Viserra Targaryen gets to do is pit boys against each other for her favor and try unsuccessfully to seduce her brother Baelon. Aliandra Martell is there to entertain men and possibly sleep with Alyn Velaryon to the displeasure of her siblings (psst, GRRM, your depiction of the Dornish, especially Dornish women, continues to be atrocious and this book does nothing to deconstruct the stereotype of them as violent hypersexual people). The questions Gyldayn ponders while discussing Tess killing Dalton Greyjoy include ones about her virginity and her physical beauty. Rue - one of two female writers in the book, the other supposedly being Coryanne Wylde - is there to write a vulgar account about Alyn Velaryon who she may or may not have slept with. The list goes on and on.

Sexualizing the mundane:

The hypersexualized treatment of women bodies is so overwhelming in this book that it extends to ordinary stuff like nursing and pregnancy, both of which get weirdly graphic and gross descriptions in Alys Rivers’ story when she puts her pregnancy with Aemond’s child as “I can feel his fire licking at my womb” while her wetnursing is described as “the milk that flowed abundantly from the breasts of Alys Rivers”. Not even death or description of women’s death throes is spared that sexual aspect. While Princess Aerea is getting cooked from within in a horrifying portrait of suffering and agony, the fact that smoke is emanating from her vagina gets described as obscene, even though smoke is coming from every other body orifice. Meria Martell gets the rumor that she was coupling with a stallion at the time of her death. Rhaenyra’s breast is prickled to rouse Sunfyre.

Even in death, women’s bodies are treated as sexual objects. Mysaria’s horrific death via scourging has a sexualized dimension in how her body is put on display in her agony as she gets whipped while being paraded naked despite her crimes not being sexual in nature. To be fair, both Septon Bernard and Lysaro Rogare also get sexual punishments for non-sexual crimes, but the notable difference between them and Mysaria is that Lady Misery gets narrative focus on her “pale white body” while dying. (Mysaria’s fate is also too contrived in a way that Bernard’s and Lysaro’s aren’t but that’s only relevant here for how it appears like the narrative conspired to have her caught by that specific mob so she could get such a punishment). Even immolation gets a gendered and sexualized tint because when it’s women burning, they obviously get to “dance in gowns of fire, naked and lewd underneath the flames”. The thrashing of someone burning is apparently “lewd” if it’s a woman. Women’s suffering get inexplicably beautified (dance in gowns of fire) and sexualized, and somehow they are blamed for it because they are being lewd by thrashing in agony.

Child brides

Let’s start with their number, shall we?

Alyssa Velaryon, 15

Larissa Velaryon, between 12 and 14

Alysanne Targaryen, 13

Alyssa Targaryen, 15

Aemma Arryn, 11

Helaena Targaryen, 13

Elinor Costayne, exact age unclear but younger than 16

Floris Baratheon, 14\15

Unwin Peake’s unnamed daughter, 11\12

The Northern blacksmith’s daughter whose story Alysanne cited to ban the first night, 14.

Daenaera Velaryon, 6

Jaehaera Targaryen, 8

This list doesn’t account for those who were meant to be child brides but ultimately weren’t because of external circumstances. Cassandra Baratheon hadn’t yet flowered in 129 but she was going to marry Aegon II immediately in 131 when she was between 13 and 15. Viserra Targaryen was being shipped off to wed at 15. Myrielle Peake (14) was touted as a suitable queen for Aegon III because she could get pregnant immediately. Prudence and Prunella Celtigar were offered by their father for Maegor to immediately wed at 12 and 13 (at a time when Maegor had just murdered two wives, btw), Jaehaerys Targaryen made ardent effort to marry off Daella as young as 13 and mandated she marry by 16. And those are only the marital relationships that involve young girls, but the inherent issues of child brides exist in cases of non-marital sexual relationships like Marlida of Hull’s with Corlys Velaryon when Marlida was 15 if not younger, or Rhaenyra Targaryen’s “training” by her uncle Daemon at 14.

So what’s the problem?

This has been a subject of debate for a long, long time, whether in terms of its actual historical inaccuracy despite GRRM’s claim to the contrary, or of its defiance of Martin’s own Word of God. Margaret Beaufort is an example that has been brought up repeatedly to justify the broad inclusion of child brides in ASOIAF but while Margaret did give birth aged 13, the severe physical toll that took on her not only rendered her sterile but was a main reason she argued vehemently against her granddaughter being wed young too. But Martin only reflects the first part of the story while steadfastly ignoring the second part. Oh, it’s true that F&B acknowledges that the in-universe characters know that bedding young girls has severe and often fatal health risks, but that knowledge is either dismissed or categorically ignored.

The most outrageous example of that comes from the story of Daella Targaryen. In what could have worked as a way for the narrative to call out the problems entrenched in the concept of child brides, Gyldayn notes that Queen Alysanne blamed herself and King Jaehaerys for marrying Princess Daella too young when her physical constitution made pregnancy dangerous and indeed ultimately fatal for her. But rather than working as a resounding rebuff, the way this plot is handled makes it stick out instead as an oblique attempt for the author to say “see, I said it was bad!” rather than a serious condemnation of that constant trend. It’s a throwaway line without the commitment to showing that this information changed anything in-universe or was even allowed to stand as a clear, if a late and woefully limited, condemnation of the narrative’s over-reliance on child brides. Rather, Alysanne’s justifiable condemnation is promptly undermined by how it is immediately tied to her grief over Daella’s death with the clear aim to paint Alysanne’s deduction as an emotional - and thusly not rational - response which in turn dismisses her completely justified assessment.

Still, I might have only ascribed this to Gyldayn’s own misogyny if only that statement hadn’t been soundly forgotten by everyone in-universe, apparently including Alysanne herself. This incident appears to have come and gone with no visible effect on the main participants’ actions - it sure doesn’t look like either Rodrik Arryn nor Jaehaerys Targaryen learned one damn thing considering they go on to sign off on Aemma Arryn’s marriage at age 11, at a time when Queen Alysanne goes mysteriously silent on the subject. That is further compounded by how Alysanne herself comes to arrange for the 15-year-old Viserra to wed only four years after Daella’s death.

Be sure to give it up for the maesters’ (painfully casual) assessment that Aemma’s childbearing issues were because she was bedded too young though, it sure had as much impact on the narrative as Alysanne’s own statement years earlier, considering the numerous girls who would go on to be child brides, including Viserys I’s own daughter Helaena. Despite strong evidence of the risk of forcing girls into sex and pregnancy at an early age and despite the narrative’s own admission to it, it remains a regular occurrence to see teen girls married off (often with no pressing reason) and giving birth way too young without any kind of explanation as to why their guardians would think it a splendid idea.

Also a story where the text came close to properly addressing the core issue of child brides is that of Alysanne Targaryen. The narrative initially touches upon the issue of the inherent sexualization of child brides with Alysanne’s story, but somehow still ends up reaffirming how young girls tend to be regarded through a sexual gaze in Westeros. Gyldayn goes to great lengths in trying to differentiate between Jaehaerys and Alysanne’s nuptials and consummation, and that of your average Westerosi child bride where girls get no agency in the matches made for them, often to much older men who have no qualms about having sex with actual children. By contrast, Alysanne is shown as an architect of her marriage to Jaehaerys, actively going to him to curtail her betrothal to Orryn Baratheon and pushing for their marriage to be consummated so that no one could set it aside. Alysanne’s ability to consent in a match that she pursued to a similarly-aged boy is starkly different from what we typically see in matches with child brides, which is then affirmed by Jaehaerys’ recognition that Alysanne is too young for the marriage to be consummated after their first wedding, and her own advocacy for consummation later despite Jaehaerys’ lingering hesitance. So far, so good. It is another instance of a child bride but it’s used to add commentary about the inherent problematic elements of it rather than being presented in an abstract manner and left to stand unchallenged.

But not only is the commentary we can glean from this story undermined by Jaehaerys’ own actions with his daughters and granddaughter later, it is further diminished by the constant insistence to sexualize Alysanne. Gyldayn deems it necessary to tell us of how Jaehaerys and Alysanne slept naked, gives us servant gossip about the long lingering kisses they shared and inserts an offhand rumor about how Jaehaerys might have invited Alysanne to the bed he supposedly shared with Coryanne Wylde to “frolic with them in episodes most often associated with the infamous pleasure houses of Lys”, persisting in referring to Alysanne as “the little queen” throughout. That insistent sexualization of Alysanne contextualizes the mention of Jaehaerys’ refusal to consummate the marriage to be an attempt from the author-character to make Jaehaerys look good, rather than an attempt to offer any kind of critique to the custom of deflowering too-young maidens. It does, however, fall right in line with Gyldayn’s tendency to dedicate an ordinate amount of space to comment on the sex lives of teen girls. Which brings me to:

The hypersexualization of young girls

One can not go through this book without taking notice of how absolutely obsessed Gyldayn is with the sex lives and sex appeal of teen girls. Too much of this book is spent discussing, speculating on and pondering rumors about the sex lives of young girls, minor and major characters alike. It’s really telling that he, and the narrative by association, is so cavalier about inserting commentary about a girl’s body, sexuality or sexual desirability, even for characters who were only mentioned once or twice in the text. It’s all so disturbingly casual that it might not register on first read but there is an unholy pattern of slipping in a sexualizing comment about barely seen teenagers and pubescent girls. They may have no personality, no voice, no agency and sometimes no names but for some reason their sexual history (read: abuse), desirability or physicality is brought up. Among them:

Prudence and Prunella Celtigar. For the longest time, our knowledge of both is restricted to their age, and Rogar Baratheon’s charming comment about them being chinless, breastless and witless which Gyldayn keeps bringing up as their defining factor.

The Archon of Tyrosh’s daughter (15) is noted for her wit, hair and flirtatious manner (she is later rumored to have cuckolded her eventual husband, Orryn Baratheon, and birthed a daughter that wasn’t his, since she is a woman of the Free Citites and all that)

There may have been a nameless faceless 12-year-old girl that was being raped by Aegon II at the time of Viserys’ death. But fear not, we know exactly what kind of sexual act she was performing on him.

Jocelyn Baratheon (16) barely exists in the text, but we needed her physical description to include that she was full-breasted just so we can understand that she was desirable.

According to Mushroom, Aemond kissed all four of Borros Baratheon’s prepubescent daughters to “taste the nectar of their lips” before picking one as a bride. The second-eldest, Maris, makes a sexually-charged comment to challenge Aemond’s manhood at like, 11.

Floris Baratheon’s characterization is limited to pretty, sweet, somewhat frivolous and dead.

The only mention of the 15-year-old Johanna Swann’s is that she was sold into sexual slavery and became a famous courtesan in “a fascinating” tale according to Gyldayn.

No less than 8 girls involved in the so-called Maiden’s Day Cattle Show are defined by sexual comments and sexual deeds. (There is a comment from Mushroom about how everything couldn’t have been more beautiful, unless if the girls had all arrived naked. This is a ball that had girls as young as six and seven.)

Coryanne Wylde’s first sexual “encounter” rape happens at 13 and she is assaulted repeatedly by the time she is 15.

“Aegon III had never shown any carnal interest in either of his queens (understandably in the case of Queen Daenaera, who was yet a child)” - Uh, Gyldayn? Jaehaera was ten when she died. So why is the extent of Aegon’s maturity judged as lacking because he didn’t desire a literal child and measured negatively against that of his brother Viserys because Viserys, who was a child himself, consummated his own marriage?

As for the regular-flavor hypersexualizion of major characters by the narrative, you can find Rhaenyra Targaryen whose sexual training assault at Daemon’s hand at 14 is described in painful detail, Rhaena Targaryen who is strongly implied to have had somewhat of a sexual awakening at the age of 12, Nettles whose virginity is speculated upon with the conclusion that she must have had sex before she flowered taken as a basic fact and Baela Targaryen who gets a majority story focus on her sexual adventures.

The worst part is that there is no point to most of the above. I can maybe find a logical narrative motive for one of those stories and the only point I can find to several others is to frame the character of the men involved, including Gyldayn. But mostly, these characters exist to serve as as a set dressing, to be exploited and paraded to sensationalize a story.

Sexual violence as a punishment, a plot device, and a sacrifice for male characters’ story

GRRM has frequently claimed that the various acts of sexual violence in his books, against both men and women, is historically accurate. He takes it as a dishonest approach for him not to show that rape and sexual assault were historically a part of war. The existence of sexual violence in wars can not be denied, but it’s rather remarkable that Martin took only the negative parts of women’s lives from real life history, then made it worse for the women in his narrative. Despite his claim that Westeros is no darker nor more depraved than our RL history, Westerosi patriarchy is actually worse than the real Middle Ages and it is lacking a lot of the roles women occupied throughout history, which gives the effect of furthering the women’s suffering without giving them the benefit of having proper well-rounded narratives.

Furthermore, if, as Martin claims, sexual violence is a part of war narrative, what are we to do with the numerous examples of assault and sexual violence that occur in peacetime, both in the main narrative and in F&B? Westeros wasn’t at war when seven Lyseni slaves were used and abused by the Baratheon brothers prior to the Golden Wedding, nor did Coryanne Wylde’s repeated assaults occur during war. Alyssa Velaryon and Alysanne Targaryen were not impregnated, to the former’s grave and against the latter’s expressed wishes, by wartime enemies but by their own husbands. Saera Targaryen had her own father condone her humiliation and abuse in the name of punishing her. And what about the countless child brides who had no choice in their marriages, many of whom went on to either die in childbed or suffer health problems due to premature consummation of their marriages?

Sexual violence is a frequently used window dressing across the series. That Westeros is a terrible place for women is often the singular take of such stories that consistently build on the victimization of women, either as a decoration for the setting to inform us over and over and over that Westeros is a misogynistic society, or as a tool to characterize male characters and further their stories. This is an overarching problem in Martin’s narrative that sees the use of women’s very bodies on the sacrificial altar of the narrative’s requirements, to the extent that even in their suffering, the story belongs less to these women and more to the men whose stories they are sacrificed for. Too often does that happen in this book.

Argella Durrandon is one such case, a women whose violation at the hand of her own men is mostly there to tell us about the gentleness of Orys Baratheon. Several women are used in various ways to inform us about Rogar Baratheon in what is frankly a perplexing waste of narrative space because we didn’t really need these women’s suffering to tell us that Rogar is a grade A asshole when we had plenty of damning evidence of his villainy and misogyny. But we still get such casual mentions of Rogar and his brothers “deflowering” slaves who were probably too young, mainly to juxtapose the actions of Rogar and young Jaehaerys during the proceedings of the Golden Wedding and paint the former in a bad light while holding up the latter. Coryanne Wylde has her narrative of abuse that tells us nothing about her and more about the men taking advantage of her, and Alyssa Velaryon is severely sidelined by the narrative during the regency and has her body used to her death to further Rogar’s characterization. And while this upcoming example is a part of a war narrative, it remains that the function of the rape and sexual slavery of Lady Alys Oakheart and her ladies is largely about informing our perception of Wyl of Wyl and being used to threaten Princess Deria with a similar fate.

Sexual violence also gets used as a tool of punishment against women for various “offenses”. Argella Durrandon is stripped of her clothes and her voice alike for her defiance. Coryanne Wylde’s assault is treated as some sort of karmic punishment for her so-called promiscuity and bearing a child out of wedlock. Princess Saera gets silenced, shaved and beaten essentially for liking sex. Her punishment is designed to shame her for having had sex before she is pressed to the Faith in an attempt to force her into chastity and moral righteousness. The Silent Sisters continue to be routinely used as a threat and a punishment for sexual promiscuity.

Rape culture and normalising sexual violence

I’m having a bit of a case of stating the obvious when I say that Westeros has a flourishing rape culture. But it’s still a fact. Westerosi patriarchy perpetuates and enables sexual violence on an institutional level to the extent that rape has become so normalised that no one so much as blinks at it. The custom of the first night is a clear example of that. And although we have Alysanne and Septon Barth’s impassioned arguments against it that ultimately succeed in having it banned, Gyldayn does his level-best to downplay and beatify the sentiment towards the first night on Dragonstone and exclude the Targaryens from pushback against it. According to Gyldayn, not only was the resentment of the first night muted on Dragonstone, but “brides thus blessed upon their wedding nights were envied, and the children born of such unions were esteemed above all others". Normalise and glamorize rape, why don’t you, Gyldayn?

Also a fixed feature of Westerosi mores is the bedding ceremony, something that involves the stripping of both the bride and the groom by the wedding guests and that often include liberities taken with the bride. In F&B, Daella’s rejection of a bedding is treated disparagingly by the narrative as a facet of her childishness and immaturity, while Rhaenyra, at the age of 9, is included in the party that disrobed her father for his bedding ceremony. For the boys, the bedding ceremony is treated as a sign of virility, strength and character maturity as seen by the reactions of those who attended the bedding ceremony of the 13-year-old Maegor, and the description of how mature the 12-year-old Viserys was because he bedded his wife.

Those are facets of a problem that, for me, largely starts and ends with the authorial attitude towards some forms of sexual violence in the text. In a discussion about F&B on westeros.org, Martin’s collaborator Elio Garcia, echoing previous comments made by Martin, insisted that bedding young girls is understood to be gross and inappropriate in Westeros and that an example such as Unwin Peake’s young daughter is simply an indication of Peake’s (and his onetime goodson’s) awfulness and cruelty. However, the argument that it’s socially, if not legally, frowned upon to bed young girls in Westeros does not hold in the face of the sheer amount of young girls being wed and bedded at young age, to the extent that the matter became so normalised that neither father nor husband of any such unfortunate girl attracts any kind of censure, not even socially. I certainly saw no such sentiment when Viserys I was marrying the 11-year-old Aemma Arryn and bedding her at 13 to the tune of zero opposition. Nor when no one blinked at the fact that the-nearly-60 year old Thaddeus Rowan was searching for a suitable young maid to wed after the death of his first two wives, or when he later wed the 14/15-year-old Floris Baratheon. What about when Jaehaerys and Alysanne Targaryen arranged for their daughter Viserra to wed their contemporary Theomore Manderly at age 15? Or when the 60-year-old Corlys Velaryon started sleeping with Marlida of Hull at 15, if not younger, which earned zero condemnation and zero focus? The perversion and predatory behavior of these old men is treated as a non-issue within the text, even though Martin and Garcia keep telling us that it should. They just fail to have the narrative actually show that. But you can’t keep insisting that it’s considered perverse in-universe to bed young girls when everyone is doing it.

As for the argument that young Lady Peake’s example was meant as a deliberate point about her father’s character, that’s a fig leaf that doesn’t even hold up in the face of the text. It’s easy to say that this was an added commentary on Unwin Peake’s character when Peake is an awful human being that we’re meant to hate, but what about Thaddeus Rowan who is clearly presented to us by the narrative as a decent and moral man that we’re supposed to sympathize with? Was there a point to be made about what an awful man he was in his marriage to Floris Baratheon too? Did I miss any part of the narrative that treated Rowan as a figure worthy of denunciation for his culpability in Floris’ death, or even acknowledged that culpability? Because from where I’m standing, that young girl’s death was treated as something that we’re supposed to sympathize with Rowan over. What about Rodrik Arryn, a two-time offender who impregnated the delicate Daella and witnessed her death only to repeat the tragedy by marrying off his daughter as a child? Rodrik is also presented as a decent person who loved Daella and who is barely criticized for his part in her death, which is ironically an improvement on the lack of acknowledgment of what he did to Aemma.

You want to present child brides as some sort of commentary about the terrible character of their guardians and husbands? Don’t have your best king - who previously refused to consummate his marriage to his own sister-wife on account of her age - and his good queen arrange a marriage for their minor daughter. Don’t have the fact that Rodrik Arryn had loved Daella for years before marrying her at 16 count as something in his favor when that means he was in love with a literal child. Don’t have numerous kindly-written characters do the exact same thing that you claim indicates awfulness and cruelty. Also, also, don’t have your characters treat the rape of a 13-year-old girl as her fault. F&B is utterly unsympathetic to Coryanne Wylde despite acknowledging that the man who slept with her was in his thirties, but Coryanne is blamed by everyone for “her shame” and her subsequent assaults are treated as something she brought on herself. Don’t tell me that a boy kissed Daella against her will in those exact words, then not only act like she was unreasonable for disliking him, but make no mention of any kind of rebuke made to a kid who forced himself on a royal princess. Don’t normalise child brides and build a society that enables, encourages and accepts the rape of pubescent and prepubescent kids as par for the course.

Depiction of female sexuality and queerness:

Let me preface this section by saying that I’m not a medievalist or a historian so my knowledge of the medieval era comes from what research I did on the subject, all of which makes me scratch my head over the fascination with female sexuality present in Gyldayn’s writing. This goes beyond cases where a woman’s sexuality was a part of events that would typically be noted by a historian to include random tangents about a lady’s sexuality for pretty much no reason. That strikes me as really weird because that information is relayed to us in the form of a history book, and female sexuality wasn’t typically that widely scrutinized, recorded and commented on. Moreover, the way their sexuality is used in the narrative leaves a bad taste in my mouth, especially when it comes to talk of their queerness - the narrative gives us very little in means of a relationship between two queer women, but uses their sexual orientation to either undermine or negatively frame these women.

Queen Rhaena Targaryen is a prime example of how a woman’s queerness gets used to depict her negatively in the text. It doesn’t get any clearer than her sexuality being referred to as a beast through Frankly Farman’s Four-Headed Beast epithet that just so happens to describe four queer women. It might be argued that Franklyn is not necessarily the voice of the text and so his view is only reflective of him and not of a textual problem, but the problem is that the text never really bothers to challenge Franklyn’s misogynistic and queerphobic view. In fact, it appears as if the text is at best excusing and at worst exonerating Franklyn, first by repeatedly talking about how condescending and dismissive Rhaena’s companions were towards Androw as if to suggest that Franklyn was correct to dislike them and label them as beasts, then by having Rhaena’s confrontation with Franklyn after Elissa’s escape condemned unanimously by Jaehaerys and his court as Rhaena’s fault. Jaehaerys might have taken issue with how Myles Smallwood talked about Rhaena but he certainly did not contradict his assessment of her or Franklyn’s own misogynistic response to her. It’s Rhaena who gets the explicit censure while also being painted as wrong and borderline hysterical.

Too, I dislike the way that Rhaena’s performance of her formal dynastic role seems to have been tied to her sexuality by the text, an implication which exists in the pointed reporting of Rhaena’s rudeness and emotional absence during a royal progress until her current favorite was summoned to her side, and in how Jaehaerys seems to blame Rhaena for bringing Elissa to Dragonstone in a segment that carries a suggestion that Rhaena’s sexuality and her love for Elissa undermined her governance of Dragontone. More damning is the sense of vagueness with which Gyldayn talks about Rhaena’s companions that were killed by Androw. While the term “favorite” is consistently used when the text wants to indicate a lover rather than a friend, Gyldayn has used the term “companion” to indicate a relationship too - more clearly in the case of Jeyne Arryn and her dear companion Jessamyn Redfort - so for him to call those killed by Androw Rhaena’s companions and including two of her acknowledged favorites among them, Gyldayn (and Androw himself in his final conversation with Rhaena) seem to be implying that Rhaena was involved with all of them. Even the 14-year-old Cassella Staunton and Lianne Velaryon? It’s unclear but that vagueness introduces a problematic dimension to Rhaena’s sexuality that certainly did not need to be there and that does nothing for the story.

The story of the Maiden of the Vale carries similar elements to Rhaena, only clearer. While the story provides us with an entirely legitimate concern of how men try to leech power from powerful women as a possible motive for Lady Jeyne’s refusal of marriage, she is still the subject of rumors about being a lesbian, or alternatively, someone trading sexual favors from the 15-year-old Jace for her political and military support which links her political action to her sexuality, of which we only get a last-minute confirmation on her deathbed. The rumors about Lady Jeyne can certainly stand as an example of in-universe misogyny, but it’s undeniable that the story both builds on and asserts a prevalent misogynistic assumption that a women who doesn’t want a husband must be a lesbian (which strikes me as a modern stereotype), while linking refusal of marriage to a man to exploitative behavior.

Also a modern stereotype is the assumption that two gender non-conforming women who share quarters and appear to be close must be lovers which is present in the thinly-veiled suggestion that Sabitha Frey and Alysanne Blackwood were involved. It’s immensely strange to base such a deduction on the fact that the two ladies shared a tent and were always in each other’s company when they were the only two women in an army of men, especially in a society where a highborn lady sharing her quarters with friends, companions and ladies-in-waiting is a common occurrence. I can see where people would think Lady Sabitha or Black Aly unnatural or even grotesque in the way Brienne is treated in the main novels for being gender non-conforming and/or ugly/not traditionally beautiful, but making the jump to “well, they must be queer” for keeping company with each other and sharing a tent when surrounded by men is not a typical sentiment of the medieval era as far as I know.

This, however, is a symptom of how Sabitha Frey in particular is portrayed in the narrative. She is a fairly prominent figure throughout the Dance and yet we don’t really get much in the way of a characterization for her. She gets called merciless and grasping in passing with no elaboration as to why she is thought to be so and when she gets a moment of close examination, Gyldayn uses it to tell us of how she “would sooner ride than dance, wore mail instead of silk, and was fond of killing men and kissing women”. I don’t know if Martin was trying to lean into or affirm our negative perception of House Frey, but Sabitha’s sexuality and gender performance seem to be the focal point of her characterization so assigning uncorroborated negative attributes to her does not come across in the best light.

Another aspect of how badly this books deal with queerness comes from a certain parallel I noticed between the stories of Saera Targaryen, Baela Targaryen and three girls from the Maiden’s Day Ball, the three Jeynes as Gyldayn calls them - Jeyne Smallwood, Jeyne Mooton and Jeyne Merryweather. In all three stories, there is an offhand mention (or an obscure insinuation in Baela’s case) of how each of them had sex or at least experimented sexually with other women that is simply there to frame the scandalous wanton behavior of each of them. Saera’s relationship with Perianne Moore and Alys Turnberry, Baela’s possible involvement with the twin brothel workers, and the three Jeynes’ supposed visits to the Street of Silk are mentioned casually and aren’t treated like any kind of a meaningful connection but as a sensationalized scandal that adds color to the story through its eroticism. That treats wlw relationships as an embellishment that solely exist to decorate the narrative. It’s fetishizing and dehumanizing in the way it treats these women and their relationships as merely objects of scandal.

Portrayal of women’s relationships:

This is one part where I think Martin made an attempt to in try to fix the solitary woman issue that’s been pointed out repeatedly in the main novels – how we keep hearing about male friendships and male relationships that frame and sometimes drive the narrative whereas women are either mysteriously solitary figures or have their friendships go unexplored/framed negatively. Queen Alysanne and her companions are where Martin succeeds in fixing this problem to some extent; everywhere else..... Eh.

I’ve argued before that the problem in Martin’s writing of female friendships isn’t just that he gives precious few of them, especially compared to the male friendships that drive the narrative; it’s in the overwhelmingly negative representation of female friendships. The majority of female friendships (and that includes familial relationships) are mired in conflict and negative associations across the series, and this book is no difference. Women’s relationships are often defined by jealousy, competitiveness over a man or rooted dislike. Maris Baratheon is so jealous that Aemond Targaryen chose one of her sisters over her that she challenges his manhood and, in Gyldayn’s eyes, provokes Aemond into attacking Lucaerys Velaryon in a plot that is both unnecessary and contrived so as to blame a woman girl for a man’s actions. Cassandra Baratheon spreads a false rumor that her sister Ellyn asked Aegon III if he liked her breasts during the Maiden’s Day Ball, and that’s when we’re not spending time on rumors about how she may have been involved in young Jaehaera’s death because she blamed the little queen for her woes, which are that she didn’t get to marry Aegon II and become queen, and that she lost her place as the heir to Storm’s End due to her little brother’s birth. Oh yeah, I can certainly see how that is a natural line of thought. Cassandra then goes on to be involved in the plotting against Daenaera Velaryon and the Rogares.

Saera Targaryen is disliked by every single one of her sisters (but it should be noted that both Aemon and Baelon were amused by her). The question of the possible motive of Jaehaera Targayen’s suicide includes her being jealous of Baela’s pregnancy (Jaehaera was ten). Rhaenys and Visenya’s relationship is largely defined by a rivalry over Aegon. Rhaena and Alysanne’s relationship is afflicted by tension, resentment and blame. Lucinda Penrose’s jealousy of Daenaera Velaryon having the queenship she coveted not only led her to participate in the plot against her, but made her quite randomly blame Daenaera for no man wanting her, implying she was attacked because of Daenaera which is not true. Priscella Hogg wanted Larra Rogare dead so that Prince Viserys could marry her.

Why do female relationships need to be defined by the presence of a guy, GRRM? What’s up with the downright illogical motivations of some of them? Why is it that the only positive relationship a queen has with her ladies on-page is that of Queen Alysanne?

GRRM also has a frustrating tendency to link female friendships to their sexuality or introduce a sexual component to those friendships. In the main novels, we have Cersei’s rape of Taena Merryweather and Arianne’s youthful sexual experimentation with Tyene Sand as notable examples; in F&B, Rhaena Targaryen is the first woman who gets meaningful relationships with named women and it’s suggested that many of them were her lovers (Rhaenys, Visenya and Alyssa Velaryon are said to have had lady companions as well but we barely get anything in the way of an actual relationship with any of them, or, you know, names for them). Sabitha Frey and Aly Blackwood gravitate to each other and share a tent during the Dance and we immediately get a reference to a potential sexual involvement. Coryanne Wylde, in one of the many versions of A Caution For Young Girls, is said to have thought of Alysanne as her own sister, with the reported rumors being either that she “taught” Alysanne’s husband how to pleasure Alysanne or that she taught Alysanne herself alongside Jaehaerys how to have sex. Saera had sexual intercourse with her two female companions. It is as if two women can not be friends without sex being a part of it.

So basically, men get to have friends and meaningful positive relationships in asoiaf while women get sexually-tinged friendships or have their relationships revolve around squabbling over a man. With the exception of Queen Alysanne and her companions, the vast majority of female relationships are either negative or framed negatively by the text.

Broken mothers, broken women:

Grief is a woman’s kryptonite in this book, especially if she is a mother. Gender is used as a default explanation for why several women break and freeze after a child’s death, often as a prelude to their stories tapering off till their death. While certainly understandable in the context of the tragedies they face, I question why it’s always the women who break down, rend their garments and retreat from public life, whereas men react to similar tragedies with anger, pursuit of vengeance and singular political focus. I also question why Martin uses a mother’s grief so often as a convenient plot device to force passivity, silence and absence on his female characters to fit the requirements of the plot, even when their previous (and sometimes even later) characterization and actions fly against that abstract frozen moment of time they experience due to their grief. Why do you keep having women freeze in their grief, Martin?

The tale of the Dance of the Dragons is not new to F&B but in the stories of Rhaenyra and Helaena appears a clear gendered approach to the depiction of women’s grief over their children that is echoed in several other places. This is somewhat more apparent during the Dance for how Rhaenyra and Helaena’s reactions can be contrasted against that of Daemon and Aegon II, both of whom reacted to the death of Lucerys and young Jaehaerys respectively by swearing vengeance, exacting a bloody toll in revenge and pushing their political and military campaigns. But while their husbands reacted, Rhaenyra and Helaena suffered from crippling depression that forced them out of the war narrative entirely, even to the detriment of their respective factions as underlined by the repetitive remarks about how additional draconic power might have affected the course of the war. That Dreamfyre was rendered useless to the greens because of Helaena’s inability to ride due to her depression is pointed out repeatedly, whereas Rhaenyra’s seclusion and grief over Luke’s death and her absence from her own war council is blamed for Princess Rhaenys flying to Rook’s Nest alone and getting killed. The narrative even accentuates how detrimental Rhaenyra’s absence might have been to her own war efforts in having Corlys Velaryon blame her for Rhaenys’ death, and again in having Jace recruit dragonseeds to increase the black’s draconic power at a time when one of their dragonriders is indisposed.

In the case of both sisters, a mother’s grief is largely used as a way to get a dragonrider out of the picture, at least for a period of time in Rhaenyra’s case - a gendered approach that adds to how Rhaenyra’s pregnancy and childbirth, both clearly gendered, were also used as a convenient plot device to sideline her in the early days of the Dance. In the words of Gyldayn, “[t]he death of her son Lucerys had been a crushing blow to a woman already broken by pregnancy, labor, and stillbirth”

Mother’s grief is also used to explain how sisters Rhaena and Alysanne retreated from public life after the loss of their daughters. Rhaena leaves Dragonstone for Tarth then Harrenhal, turning into a ghost herself as she settles in the haunted castle after refusing to return to her seat on Dragonstone or have anything to do with court for years till her death (Rhaena had previously stopped governing Dragonstone and retreated to her chambers to mourn her companions as well), while Alysanne takes herself from court to Dragonstone after Gael’s death, a more acute echo of her self-imposed isolation following Princess Daenerys’ death, and the offhand mention of how her four youngest children’s marital plans brought her so much pain and grief that she considered joining the silent sisters. It just so happens that two of the four (i.e, Daella and Viserra) had died at the time and Jaehaerys persisted in pushing Alysanne to consider Saera dead as well. Alysanne even tells Jaehaerys point-blank that she is going to Dragonstone to grieve for her dead daughters.

But two exceptions exist to this trend: Alyssa Velaryon and Alicent Hightower. Alyssa is a character that defies the broken mother trope by being a main architect of Jaerhaerys I’ accession and the survival of the Targaryen dynasty after her two eldest sons died horrifically. She survived the loss of three children and estrangement from her surviving three. She could have been a sound critique to the broken woman trope, if only the narrative allowed her to stay that active dynamic figure she was instead of trying to minimize her. Despite her defiance of the trend of how a mother’s grief leads to depressed seclusion, the narrative still managed to sideline Alyssa by having her inexplicably choose a self-imposed confinement for the remainder of Jaehaerys’ regency after her confrontation with Rogar Baratheon in the small council. Not only is this undeniably minimizing to Alyssa’s character, it flies in the face of all her prior characterization. This is the woman who survived the loss of two sons by horrifying means but soldiered on and showed tremendous political ability, who dealt with estrangement from her surviving children but continued to rule the realm throughout it, who stood up bravely in the face of her husband’s dehumanizing attack. But I’m supposed to buy that Rogar Baratheon broke her? Come on now. To make things worse, this act of isolation is the last thing we get of Alyssa’s own agency.

Alicent Hightower is another case of someone who defied the broken mother trope by being a steady political presence throughout the Dance, even after only Aegon II remained to her. Even after Aegon’s death, Alicent still tried to influence the court by trying to get her granddaughter Jaehaera to kill Aegon III. But when the time came for Alicent to depart the narrative, GRRM chose to fall on his tried trope of the broken depressed woman. For the last year of her life, Alicent's time in confinement was spent weeping, ripping her clothes to pieces and talking to herself. Alicent’s deteriorating mental state might not seem unreasonable in the context of her circumstances, but it certainly boggles the mind that she is presented to us as slowly losing her wits while imprisoned in her own apartments at the same time that the horrifically tortured and maimed Tyland Lannister is said to have kept his sharp wit through his harsh imprisonment in the black cells, so Alicent’s gentle imprisonment in a familiar place with servants and septas attending her somehow took a worse toll than Tyland’s residence in inhumane conditions where he was tortured regularly. Too, Alicent's final image in the text is wretched and undignified which is striking compared to how Grand Maester Orwyle is presented as a hero during the course of the Winter Fever and a vital source of information on the Dance through the confessions he wrote while imprisoned.

So even in the cases that the broken mother trope is challenged, GRRM still uses the same element of seclusion and depression to define a woman’s fate. It has not escaped me that our final look at both Alyssa and Alicent depicts them in ghastly conditions.

Treatment of women’s voices:

Fire and Blood’s handling of women’s voices is hit-and-miss, with the misses outpacing the hits by miles. It goes without saying that not everyone in the narrative can or should have a voice so it’s not that I expect every single woman that ever appears to have one, but some of the omissions are really glaring. Take Jocelyn Baratheon for example. She was a sister/surrogate daughter to Jaehaerys and Alysanne, wife to Aemon and mother to the fiery Princess Rhaenys.... and we know almost nothing about her, leaving her function to the story to be about her motherhood and her fertility. Pages upon page of this book is dedicated to discussing women’s sexual lives but I guess the life and experiences of a court-raised onetime crown princess was unimportant to warrant a mention. Jocelyn existed to birth Rhaenys then promptly disappeared from the narrative after her angered reaction to Baelon being named heir over Rhaenys and her unborn child.

More acutely, the narrative has a bad tendency to have notable women suddenly fall silent or completely disappear at times when they should be present and outspoken, if it’s not actively punishing them for having a voice altogether, while their male counterparts get pages detailing their opinions and their reactions. The broken mother/woman trope discussed above contributes heavily to this problem in presenting a distinct sense of narrative-enforced quietness that befalls these characters once the narrative decides that their voices are no longer necessary for plot development. Princess Rhaena Targaryne is pretty much turned into a ghost on the outskirts of the story from Aerea’s death till her own. Her mother Alyssa gets turned into a nonentity not long after her fight with Rogar Baratheon in the small council. Alyssa’s retreat from public court is the last time she is given a voice of her own. The report that both the former Hand and the Queen Regent were “wounded and silent” in the aftermath of that showdown really struck me, because for all that Rogar and Alyssa fell silent, it’s Rogar that the narrative chose to restore voice to, despite the fact that, unlike Alyssa, Rogar’s silence was a result of his own hubris and thirst for power. For him and Alyssa to be treated as if on equal foot by the narrative in the first place and for their silence and “wounds” to be framed as similar is preposterous, but what’s even more preposterous is the fact that Rogar gets afforded pages to detail his reconciliation with Jaehaerys and even a transcript of their meeting, whereas Alyssa gets one paragraph in which the focus is on Jaehaerys’ own thoughts and we hear nothing from her; instead her thoughts and feelings are posited by Grand Maester Benifer.

From there on out, we don’t hear from Alyssa Velaryon, only of her. The narrative deliberately silences Alyssa and substitutes her voice with the suppositions and opinions of the men around her. It’s Jaehaerys and Rogar who get voices in Alyssa’s own marital reconciliation but we don’t hear about what she thought about it. We don’t know what Alyssa thought about either of her pregnancies or the health risk they posed. We do hear about Rogar and Benifer’s happiness and Barth’s concerns though. Even when she lay dying and arguments were made about her and her child’s chances of survival, Alyssa is denied a voice. The one statement we get from her is immediately dismissed by Gyldayn as likely not happening and we’re left with the reactions of those around her, Jaehaerys and Rogar, Alysanne and Rhaena. But we never find out what Alyssa thought or wanted. Instead, her narrative purpose lies in her fertility.

At least Rhaena voices a condemnation for the way women’s bodies are callously used by men in Westeros in a statement that is contextually very powerful but that is, once again, undermined by the narrative not too long after. It is both outrageous and unnecessary to have Jaehaerys himself ignore such a powerful statement years later in a plot that also dismisses Alysanne’s clearly expressed wishes and borderline silences her since Jaehaerys’ objection to her reasoning is voiced to Grand Maester Elysar rather than Alysanne herself, and she isn’t even given the chance to give the counter-argument that, you know, the mother that Jaehaerys is citing died because her husband only cared about having a child. Queen Alysanne may be the most prominent, most well-rounded female voice in F&B, but that does not stop the narrative from robbing her of her voice when it wants to. I certainly have not forgotten how she falls silent on the matter of her granddaughter Aemma’s marriage, or how there is so much discussion about the tragic fates of Alysanne’s children all around that conspicuous quietness. Neither have I forgotten how there is a random comment about how Alysanne contempled joining the silent sisters due to the pain and grief she suffered in the matter of her youngest four’s marital prospects.

Then there is Maris Baratheon and the convoluted needless story that does nothing but attempt to shift blame off Aemond for Lucerys Velaryon’s murder and lay it on Maris, then have her literally silenced as a punishment, whether that’s through being consigned to the silent sisters or the rumor that she had her tongue removed beforehand. Maris exists to be scapegoated and silenced, her forced silence a penalty for a man’s violent tendencies.

Going back a little in history to Aegon’s conquest gets us a few more queens who got silenced by the narrative. I’ve talked before about how Argella Durrandon’s fate stands as a unique abnormality in the history of the rebellion and how her forceful loss of voice was the last we hear of her in the narrative as the focus thereafter shifts to Orys and his own actions and behavior. Similarly, the circumstances of Marla Sunderland’s deposing bears uncomfortable parallels to Argella’s own: while not sexually humiliating like Argella’s, Marla had her voice violently stripped away when her tongue was pulled out before she was sequestered to an order that takes women’s voices away in the name of piety. That Argella and Marla were the only ones to suffer that literal loss of voice in the history of the rebellion (while Rhaenys and Visenya get their voices take away by the narrative itself since both inexplicably vanish from the story despite being physically in the area right before Argella and Marla were deposed) makes it very much about their gender.

Of course there is always the argument that it’s not only women who had their tongues ripped out or got silenced throughout the narrative, and while that is true, they were the only ones during the rebellion to receive that pointed stripping of voice by men, including Marla’s own brother. Moreover, it’s really glaring that this violation was specifically a punishment for defiance and daring to claim power. The violence visited on Argella and Marla was unnecessary for plot development, weirdly personal in a clearly gendered way, and done exclusively by men for the benefit of men as a punishment to these women for having the audacity to have agency and power in their own right.

Death by childbed

In times of peace especially, it was not uncommon for a man to outlive the wife of his youth, for young men most oft perish upon the battlefield, young women in the birthing bed.

Well, perhaps women wouldn’t die that often in the birthing bed if they weren’t getting pregnant as young as 12. Just saying.

This is another recurring problem in Martin’s writing that’s been broadly criticized for being too present in the narrative. It intersects with the problem of child brides, and the Dead Ladies Club, though it’s not only limited to them.

Death in childbirth is an inherently gendered death that is used as a rather convenient way to kill off female characters across the series. Often these women’s relevance in the text amounts to their fertility and the children they bore, and they are used as either a vessel to deliver the true important characters, or a part of the setting around a male character. By my count, F&B has 12 women dead by childbirth.

The unnamed wife of Edmyn Tully. Exists to explain why her husband resigned his seat on the Small Council

Queen Jeyne Westerling. Exists as a part of framing Maegor’s political decline and her function in the story is explicitly solely about her fertility.

Queen Alyssa Velaryon.

Princess Alyssa Targaryen.

Princess Daella Targaryen.

Queen Aemma Arryn. No characterization. Narrative function lies in having Rhaenyra.

Lady Laena Velaryon. Afforded scant characterization. Dies for the convenience of the plot. Main function is having Baela and Rhaena Targrayen.

The unnamed fourth wife of Jasper Wylde. The first three may or may not have died of “exhaustion” as well, since the man sired twenty nine children on four wives.

Lady Arra Norrey. Childhood companion and wife to Cregan Stark. Dead giving birth to his son Rickon. That’s it. That’s all we know of her.

The unnamed daughter of Unwin Peake. She died in childbed aged 12. That’s the extent of her relevance.

Lady Floris Baratheon. Pretty, sweet, frivolous, dead.

Ormund Hightower’s unnamed wife. Only mentioned in the introduction of her successor, Samantha Hightower.

The main point of criticism here is that these women didn’t need to die in childbirth or complications from childbirth of all things. They didn’t need to be reduced to walking wombs or plot devices or set decorations. They didn’t need to be a side note tacked on to explain a quirky nickname. And they didn’t need to die for the male character’s angst or characterization.

“But the above is only reflective of Gyldayn’s misogyny, not an authorial problem”

I chose to address this argument at the conclusion of this post because I know that inevitably, the argument that the problem lies in the in-universe narrator’s bias rather than an authorial failure will come up. I’ve already seen it argued, by fans as well as Elio Garcia, that Gyldayn’s own misogyny and personal views account for the problems that many fans have criticized in the text. But that’s a paper shield. Ascribing every problematic element in the narrative to the in-universe characters is not good enough at this point. This argument is neither productive nor satisfactory, and it strikes me as a rather transparent and convenient way to shut down any critique leveled at Martin’s writing, or at the very least deviate it from its intended objective to tangle us in a debate about sexist narratives vs sexist societies.

But I will have that conversation because this distinction causes a lot of confusion over what’s an authorial problem and what’s not. Westeros is a misogynistic patriarchal society that systematically minimizes, marginalizes and dehumanizes women, but just because your society is sexist doesn’t mean that your narrative has to be. We see that in the main novels when characters like Catelyn, Asha, Brienne, Arya and many others have to contend with the limitations their society places on them and the prejudices leveled at them because of their gender, but the narrative does not validate that misogyny. It doesn’t discredit these women or treat them as an afterthought. Westeros may be biased against these women but the narrative isn’t. That is not the case with F&B because Martin chose to make our sole source of information on these women a deeply misogynistic man, which made his narrative deeply misogynistic as well by virtue of the narrative adopting Gyldayn’s biases and making them a defining aspect of the characters’ stories. That is a choice on Martin’s part, just like exaggerating Gyldayn’s misogyny to the point of minimizing the few instances of challenge the narrative attempts to offer is also a choice.

It wouldn’t have cost Martin anything to leave Alysanne’s condemnation of Jaehaerys and Rodrik Arryn’s role in Daella’s death to stand without undermining it. It wouldn’t have cost Martin anything to let Alyssa Velaryon and Alicent Hightower remain as a deconstruction of the broken mother trope, instead of falling back on tired ideas that build on breaking women’s spirits down to their graves. It wouldn’t have cost Martin anything to have Rhaena’s powerful statement about how men use women’s bodies to their graves to stand without undercutting it via Jaehaerys (who once refused to consummate his marriage out of concern for Alysanne but apparently have grown to not care that much about her health in later years). Those rare cases of pushback are right there; they allow for both the characterization of the author-character and the worldbuilding of the society to stand but offer a critique of the misogyny shown instead of just leaving it present and unchallenged as a set decoration. Even allowing for Gyldayn’s misogyny, Martin could have found a way to elevate some of the problematic aspects of this book. He didn’t. He chose to undermine his challenges instead.

I find that the idea that Gyldayn is the one who should be blamed for what this book is rather than GRRM such a weird argument to make. Gyldayn is Martin’s creation; he does not exist independently from Martin. If Gyldayn is a sex-obsessed pervert, it’s because Martin chose to write him that way. If Gyldayn is a misogynistic victim-blaming abuse apologist, it’s because Martin chose to write him that way. It goes without saying that it’s not inherently problematic to write a character with these characteristics, but the problem emerges when that character is an author whose lens our knowledge of every single woman is filtered through. We’re not likely to have any information about these historical characters from any other source. The best we can hope for is a throwaway line in the main novels that wouldn’t give us much in the way of personhood for these characters. In writing Gyldayn as he did, Martin crippled our knowledge of a large number of women in Westeros history and denied them any chance of ever becoming realized characters in our eyes. So why did Martin choose to write Gyldayn as the avatar of every patriarchal bias in existence? What is the narrative gain in having your narrator be so interested in the sex lives of teenage girls? What did GRRM do to push back against Gyldayn’s misogyny? Why is Gyldayn’s characterization prioritized over the personhood of so many women? Because Gyldayn’s characterization is only relevant insofar as his function as a vehicle for authorial exposition. The narrative and the readers gain nothing by him being so painfully misogynistic. In fact, this is what is used to cut any attempts by the narrative to challenge the rampant misogyny in the text at the knees.

Furthermore, the argument that that Gyldayn’s prejudices shouldn’t be taken for the narrative’s own and thus as an authorial problem falls apart when you consider how many of the issues I discussed above exists in the main novels too, when there is no Gyldayn to blame for the narrative’s misogyny. Also, it should be noted that Gyldayn in-universe misogyny doesn’t even account for all the problems of the text. Gyldayn isn’t the one who made Jaehaerys ignore Alysanne’s wishes not to have more children. Gyldayn isn’t the one who made Septon Barth denigrate Alyssa Velaryon as someone whose main objective was to be liked. Gyldayn certainly isn’t the one who decided to kill off 12 women in childbirth, or cover F&B with child brides. Gyldayn isn’t the one who decided that multiple women needed to isolate themselves to grieve. And Gyldayn might have been the one who reported on Coryanne Wylde, but he sure as hell wasn’t the one who created her story. Those are authorial choices made by GRRM.

I’ve seen it argued that F&B is supposed to be some kind of critique of how misogyny colors history but I disagree vehemently with that notion. You can’t lean into old sexist tropes and call it a critique. You can’t put an inordinate focus on women’s sexual lives to the exclusion of their own personhood and call it a critique. I know that that depiction is not endorsement, but it is not a critique either. Depiction is not inherently a condemnation. There is no inherent challenge in events just being there - the narrative needs to make some effort to push back against them to make it clear that something is being called out. F&B rarely challenges the misogyny permeating it, and when it does, the challenge is promptly undermined, dismissed or ignored.

#asoiaf #asoiaf meta #fire and blood volume 1 #asoiaf criticism #misogyny in asoiaf #gender in asoiaf #the dead ladies club #warning for a lot of awfulness #gyldayn #is a warning on his own #also I'm a ranter so be aware #long post

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anniekoh · 5 years ago

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elsewhere on the internet: talking about racism

This set of articles has been languishing at the back of the queue for three years!

Political Correctness Wanted Dead or Alive: A Rhetorical Witch-Hunt in the US, Russia, and Europe

Anna Szilagyi (2016, Talk Decoded)

Possibly the most common way of attacking political correctness, is to label it “tyrannical”. Covert speech strategies may also support this construction. For instance, anti-PC politicians often utilize adjectives for fear (including “afraid”, “frightened”, “scared”, “terrified”) to describe how PC affects the behavior and feelings of people. The former leader of the UK Independence Party, Nigel Farage claimed: “I think actually what’s been happening with this whole politically correct agenda is lots of decent ordinary people are losing their jobs and paying the price for us being terrified of causing offence.” Suggesting that the British are “terrified” because of political correctness, Farage urged his listeners to think of PC in terms of intimidation.

At the same time, the fearsome vocabulary provides a background for anti-PC populists to present themselves as “brave” and “courageous” “saviors” of their “victimized” societies. The next quote by Nigel Farage exemplifies this trend: “I think the people see us as actually standing up and saying what we think, not being constrained or scared by political correctness.” In a similar fashion, Geert Wilders declared: “I will not allow anyone to shut me up.”

Why White People Freak Out When They’re Called Out About Race

Sam Adler-Bell (2015, Alternet) @SamAdlerBell

Sam Adler-Bell: How did you come to write about "white fragility"?

Robin DiAngelo: To be honest, I wanted to take it on because it’s a frustrating dynamic that I encounter a lot. I don’t have a lot of patience for it. And I wanted to put a mirror to it.

I do atypical work for a white person, which is that I lead primarily white audiences in discussions on race every day, in workshops all over the country. That has allowed me to observe very predictable patterns. And one of those patterns is this inability to tolerate any kind of challenge to our racial reality. We shut down or lash out or in whatever way possible block any reflection from taking place.

Of course, it functions as means of resistance, but I think it’s also useful to think about it as fragility, as inability to handle the stress of conversations about race and racism

Sometimes it’s strategic, a very intentional push back and rebuttal. But a lot of the time, the person simply cannot function. They regress into an emotional state that prevents anybody from moving forward.

...

RD: I think we get tired of certain terms. What I do used to be called "diversity training," then "cultural competency" and now, "anti-racism." These terms are really useful for periods of time, but then they get coopted, and people build all this baggage around them, and you have to come up with new terms or else people won’t engage.

And I think "white privilege" has reached that point. It rocked my world when I first really got it, when I came across Peggy McIntosh. It’s a really powerful start for people. But unfortunately it's been played so much now that it turns people off.

The Language of “Privilege” Doesn’t Work

Stephen Aguilar (2016, Inside Higher Ed) @stephenaguilar

I believe that “privilege” is a sterile word that does not grapple with the core of the problem. If you are white, you do not have “white” privilege. If you are male, you do not have “male” privilege. If you are straight, you do not have “straight” privilege. What you have is advantage. The language of advantage, I propose, is a much cleaner and more precise way to frame discussions about racism (or sexism, or most systems of oppression).

... does giving up a “privilege” seem incoherent? It might, because generally privileges are given and taken by someone else. They are earned, and are seldom bad things to have.

Now try shifting your language to that of advantages. Ask yourself, “What advantages do I have over that person over there?” That question is much easier to answer and yields more nuanced responses.

Kimberlé Crenshaw on intersectionality

Bim Adewunmi (2014, New Statesman) @bimadewunmi

“I wanted to come up with an everyday metaphor that anyone could use”

“Class is not new and race is not new. And we still continue to contest and talk about it, so what’s so unusual about intersectionality not being new and therefore that’s not a reason to talk about it? Intersectionality draws attention to invisibilities that exist in feminism, in anti-racism, in class politics, so obviously it takes a lot of work to consistently challenge ourselves to be attentive to aspects of power that we don’t ourselves experience.”

...

“Sometimes it feels like those in power frame themselves as being tremendously disempowered by critique. A critique of one’s voice isn’t taking it away. If the underlying assumption behind the category ‘women’ or ‘feminist’ is that we are a coalition then there have to be coalitional practices and some form of accountability.”

The Persecution of Amy Schumer: Political Correctness and Comedy

Teo Bugbee (2015, Daily Beast)

We have developed highly advanced ways of recognizing and articulating when we feel offended, but very few ways of making something productive out of our own hurt feelings.

I’ve questioned if my choice to overlook what’s hurtful in Schumer’s comedy for the sake of what’s insightful is a sign that I’m complicit in the faults of white feminism, not valuing the importance of others’ feelings on this matter enough. This argument of apathy gets used often on social media to raise awareness around issues of race, sex, gender, and other topics surrounding justice and a need for change, and it is often useful, but it can also be a blunt instrument. Where I’ve landed for the moment is that not all marginalized people feel the same way about every issue—even on social media, but especially outside it—and asking everyone to respond in the same way to the same joke takes a simplistic view that flattens the complexity of marginalized communities just as much as it does the white, cisgender mainstream.

However, if we’re going to ask audiences to keep in mind the multiplicity of responses that a person might have to a work of art before they attempt to control someone else’s opinion, then it’s only fair that comedians follow the same rule.

What’s Wrong (and Right) in Jonathan Chait’s Anti-P.C. Screed

J. Bryan Lowder (2015, Slate)

One of the main problems with the constellation of leftist ideas he bemoans is that many of the people who use them most loudly do so out of context. Concepts like “microaggressions,” “trigger warnings,” and “mansplaining” originally had specific meanings and limited uses, often within the academy. They described or were meant to address specific situations or phenomena, and more important, they were intended to function as diagnostic tools of analysis, not be used as blunt, conversation-ending instruments. Believe it or not, most of these “PC buzzwords” are actually useful from time to time: “Straightsplaining” is a real (and very annoying) thing, and it’s often a productive way of thinking about an interaction. But it’s also not always a useful or fair way to characterize a disagreement between a queer person and a straight interlocutor. Precision is what’s needed.

Additionally, though it is impossible to say this without sounding condescending myself, a lot of the abuse of PC rhetoric comes from young college students who have not yet grasped the difference between a measuring tape and a sledgehammer. Of course, given that contemporary mainstream politics offers little for those hopeful souls who want to make truly radical change in the world, you can’t really blame them for gravitating toward a mode of critique that at least feels somewhat empowering. Here, first-year, is a framework by which you can reveal the (screwed-up) hidden structures of the world and use your newly honed textual close-reading skills to mount offenses against those structures—go for it. What works on a novel doesn’t necessary translate to a complicated, changeable human being, though, so it’s no surprise that the deployment of microaggression and cissexism and other social justice lingo can sometimes come off as strident and simplistic. It often is.

But then, so is crying that only Reason can save us from the illiberal wolves waiting in the wings of our great system, which has a “glorious” history on social justice, by the way.

Want To Help End Systemic Racism? First Step: Drop the White Guilt

Sincere Kirabo (2015, thehumanist)

The point of identifying and exposing inconsistencies within the social systems and cultural norms of the United States isn’t to make whites feel guilty, but to garner greater empathy that will inspire change. The main problem with white guilt is that it attempts to diminish the spotlight aimed at issues germane to marginalized groups and redirects the focus to a wasteful plane of apologetics and ineffective assessment.

This is why some don’t like discussing racism, as those more sensitive to these matters sometimes allow guilt to creep into their thought processes, effectively evoking pangs of discomfort. This can lead to avoidance of the primary issues altogether, as well as the manifestation of defense mechanisms, including denial, projection, intellectualization, and rationalization.

Many are acquainted with the concept of Catholic guilt. Catholic doctrine emphasizes the inherent sinfulness of all people. These accentuated notions of fault lead to varied degrees of enhanced self-loathing. I liken white guilt to Catholic guilt: both relate to a sense of inadequacy emanating from misguided notions. Though the latter is anchored in an imagined source, they both speak to feelings of remorse and internal conflict that does the individual having them no good.

Keep in mind that the call to “recognize your privilege” does not translate to “bear the blame.”

#racism #intersectionality #political correctness #social justice #linguistics

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ninaahelvar · 6 years ago

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The Stakeout (2/5)

Summary: In order to get all the information they can, the detective duo, Bakugou and Uraraka, must go on a stakeout. But close proximity may force some underlying feelings to come to the surface. Also known as “Bakugou had a really bad date and it gives him perspective”

AO3

A/N: Look, I said to myself this chapter would be easy. It, in fact, wasn't. I wanna make the excuse that I've been so sick that writing hasn't been happening - which is true - but I've had an allergic reaction in my hands for the past few days and guess when most of the writing has been happening? Yeah. Anyway. Sorry. Big fucking shoutout to @doesitsaysassonmyuniform who helped plan and write a lot of this chapter when I became super blocked. You're my lifesaver and I would die for you. Anyway, hope everyone likes this chapter! Enjoy! xx

Two days had passed, and it had become acutely aware to Bakugou that Uraraka would be the death of him. Being cramped with her in a shitty rundown motel room was testing his patience, and his resolve to never get arrested for murder. Especially if she kept fucking sighing like a wistful woman waiting for someone to save her sorry ass. She was leaning against the doorframe of the bathroom, her head knocking against the wood as another hour passed. Another sigh escaped her, and Bakugou snapped.

“Would you shut the fuck up!” he spat at her from the chair. He peered over the computer screen, watching the unmoving alleyway for the one thousandth time. Uraraka sighed dramatically again and Bakugou huffed, letting himself sink back into his chair and let his head hang back as he watched her. She walked lazily towards the bed.

The room wasn’t particularly big, a king sized bed against the wall, a small space that they had set up their computer system against the window, but just out of sight from those on the street. Being on the third floor, it would be hard to look in - but still, they were cautious. They had a small entrance hall where most of their food was put each morning along with the coffee. But they all hated it, preferring to go to the shop across the street. Then, there was only space for a bathroom the size of a broom closet, managing to squeeze in a bathtub with the shower extension on the wall - one Bakugou only just managed to fit under if he tilted his head - as well as the toilet beside it and a small ass mirror and sink. There was barely room to breathe in the cramped space.

“I hate stakeouts,” Uraraka groaned as she flopped down on the single king size. She bounced a few times before her weight settled into the mattress. “They’re always so boring.” Her voice was muffled, but her exasperation made it through loud and clear.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Round Face?” he sniped, and Uraraka perked, rolling onto her side and facing him. “It was two fucking days ago when you said you loved stakeouts,” he scoffed and Uraraka huffed.

“I forgot the waiting!” she whined, rolling straight off the bed and onto the floor. She hit the floor hard, even though she could have easily stopped herself. Bakugou rubbed at the bridge of his nose - how the hell was she his partner again? “Being stuck with you for hours on end is like my own circle of hell.” The drawl of her mocking tone teased him. When he turned to her, he snarled, seeing her scrunching up her nose at him.

“As if - I’m a fucking delight!” He caught Uraraka’s lips curve into a smile, before a chuckle escaped her which turned into a buckling laugh that had her back down on the floor. He rolled his eyes, and went back to the work, watching the stupid security door that had seen no activity other than a man pissing up the side of the wall.

In his periphery Bakugou saw her sit up, dragging her limbs in some fit of melodrama. He tried to pay attention to the security feed, but fuck if this shit wasn’t boring. At least he’d accepted what this stupid stakeout meant, instead of wasting time bitching over something they couldn’t control. They’d been over this routine a million times before - the anticipation of a case, the adrenaline that it could happen at any moment.

But, it always ended in silence and the long wait for something other than a rat scrounging around for food. The pair left the day with the knowledge that there were a fucktonne of bricks in the building across the street, and that the ceiling was in fact painted an off white and not eggshell like Uraraka kept suggesting. That argument almost ended with their last coffee pot being thrown against the wall, but they successfully worked around that issue with a colour guide online. For the first time since being caught in the motel with her, Bakugou slept more than four hours. Managing a solid seven before Uraraka woke him with singing.

She really couldn’t carry a tune. Or even have good song choice. He didn’t even want to make out the words, some fucking weird shit about love and moonlight and dancing or some shit. Bakugou groaned and rolled off the bed, finding his shit and moving to the bathroom to drown out her voice. He was lucky that Kirishima was taking a shift that day, because if Bakugou had to deal with her - in all context of the word - he might end up jumping out the fucking window.

The swapping shift happened throughout the day, alternating between Bakugou, Uraraka, and Kirishima more than any other officer. Shitty hair had no open cases, and Kaminari was too shit scared of Bakugou to even step foot in another stakeout situation with him. Bakugou was happy for the relief.

They had an arrangement of screens with different views surrounding the building. With cameras all aimed at the rusting old roller door, the alley under heavy surveillance, it would be a miracle if these idiots didn’t get caught - every entrance and exit covered, even the manholes were being looked at for any shady dealings. They weren’t losing this lead, not for the world.

Uraraka stepped out, saying she needed to leave the motel room for a few hours to pick up more clothes - as the short supply of clothes she had was not sufficient enough. Bakugou would agree on that, as she was stretching her clothes thin with the smell. She wasn’t exactly reeking of body odor, but they wouldn’t hold up the entire fucking time, especially if this stupid stakeout dragged the fuck on anymore.

In the meantime, Bakugou took the opportunity to exercise. Although he couldn’t leave the motel room, he could use it to push his body in any sort of limit and constraints. Using the doorframe to do pull ups, and watching as Kirishima skimmed through the selection of videos - rewinding and fast forwarding to make sure the night crew didn’t miss anything.

Shifting from doing that, Bakugou went down to the ground, propping his body up onto his hands and his legs into the air. He held his core tight and began to push his body up and down. The room was small, and facing anything than Kirishima was hard as fuck. So, all he had to watch was shitty hair scroll endlessly, trying to be discreet on his phone in front of Bakugou. He was failing, like the idiot he was.

Kirishima was supposed to be looking through the screens when his phone started to buzz. Bakugou rolled his eyes as he let his legs fall down on the ground. He took a breath before moving towards Kirishima and smacking him over the back of the head, bringing the shitty haired detective back to reality.

“Are you talking to that alien girl again?” Bakugou snapped.

“Mina?” he asked back. Bakugou rolled his eyes as he folded his arms over his chest.

“I don’t fucking know. Why the hell are you talking to her when we’re on a fucking stakeout?”

“Cause there’s nothing to do, man! Nothings happened so far, I can respond to a text,” Kirishima chuckled to himself as he hid his phone from sight. In a split second, he watched shitty hair’s face drop and his entire being turn the shade of his hair, “maybe I can’t,” he said under his breath, sliding his phone quickly back into his pocket.

“If you are getting nudes sent to you right now, leave the fucking room,” Bakugou scowled, watching as Kirishima try to adjust himself in the chair. If this fucking asshole had a boner...

“Just because you have a case of blue balls doesn’t mean I have to suffer,” Kirishima smirked, standing up and fixing up his shirt, patting at Bakugou’s shoulder, “and since you let me go...I have to reply,” he said with the cock of his eyebrow. Bakugou’s stomach turned.

“I don’t need to fucking know that.” He heard Kirishima laughing down the hall. God, he wished he had better friends. If he could even consider that spikey haired idiot that - especially after…

Fuck that bastard.

Bakugou wanted to blast a hole in the wall to let out his frustration, but he couldn’t. There were very little things that made Bakugou as angry as that night did, but embarrassment fucking does that and Bakugou couldn’t live it down. He hated this entire thing. And stuck with the two people that know and want to know was going to kill him. He might as well sabotage the fucking mission just to die and get away from those morons.

The rest of the day consisted of their normal routine - watching, waiting, and trying to entertain themselves. Well, moreso Uraraka trying to entertain herself and making Bakugou join her. He was focused...but he wouldn’t admit that she sure did make the hours pass by far quicker when she was being stupid and wanting to annoy him. Kirishima came and went, taking Uraraka’s mind from the task at hand, which left Bakugou sitting slumped at the screen and trying to go through footage the group could have missed. All in all...nothing was happening.

Night finally dragged itself in, and the long ass wait made sure boredom set in, stifling all higher thought and reasoning. Kirishima had left, managing to refill the coffee machine in the next room, and made sure to bring up those spicy buns that Bakugou had been craving. At least the guy was good for something after all. Left to themselves, the partners stayed in silence.

No. that was a lie. Bakugou stayed silent. Uraraka filled the silence with chatter - the silence that he enjoyed, she despised - especially around Bakugou it seemed. She was rattling on about her dad, then how her first kiss was a disaster, and that she hated clothing companies - but in the midst of it, Bakugou felt his headache increasing, slowly...and surely, turning into a fucking tumour.

“Why won’t you at least pay attention to me? I’m trying to entertain myself here. We’re on a mission that lasts way too lo-”

“Shut up, round face, I’m not talking about your shitty life anymore.”

She sighed again, finally sitting her ass down into the chair beside him, the little puff of air making his empty protein bar wrapper shuffle down the desk. His hand smacked down on it instinctively, and he snorted as she jumped.

“Someone’s wound up tight huh?” he said, leaning back in his chair and glancing briefly in her direction. Uraraka’s face was pinched - the way it always was when he was right - and she glared up at him from her slump deep into the seat.

“You act as though you haven’t spent the last ten minutes counting the bricks on the wall across the street. Again.”

It had been the cracks this time, but she didn’t need to know that.

“You got a better idea dipshit? Not like we can slack off now. Aizawa would slit our throats if we lost this one.” Uraraka nodded, agreeing with him on that. The pair had been successful in many other cases, but this one had been dragged out too long - if they lost it, Aizawa would probably fire them both. And Bakugou was making sure that shitty scenario was not coming true.

Uraraka thought for a moment before she pouted and tilted her head to the side. “I spy with my little eye -”

“No. I’m not guessing fucking ‘door’ again.” He rubbed at the bridge of his nose as Uraraka kicked her legs, her toes scraping across the old carpet, contemplating her next torturous game. She tilted her head back and forth, stretching back in her swivel chair, then she twirled around, speaking as she started to spin.

“Fine. Truth or dare?”

“Fuck no.”

Uraraka stopped, kicking at the wheel of his chair. She crossed her arms over her chest as she slumped back down into her chair, watching the night bring in the indistinguishable surroundings. “You’re no fun.”

“Jump out the window.”

She huffed, and once again they returned to their silent vigil. Then, as though all the silence was suffocating to be in, she crashed through it with a question that nearly knocked Bakugou out of his fucking chair.

“So what did you do to her anyway?” Uraraka said, and Bakugou didn’t dare to turn. He knew exactly what she was on about, and this was not the time or place for this shit to be unpacked. Especially with Uraraka.

Like hell he was talking about this. He was bored, but he wasn’t that bored. “None of your business.”

Uraraka urged herself forward, pulling herself right beside Bakugou - the distance was less than an inch. God, she was being really fucking nosy about all this. “So you’ll talk to Deku about it, but not me?”

“I didn’t talk to Deku about it. Just needed the nerd to pick me up,” he replied in a snap, knowing his temper was getting the best of him. He really hated the fact that Deku was brought into all of this. Actually, he fucking despised the fact that Deku was brought up at all.

“And handle the public disturbance report,” she reminded.

“Tch, it wasn’t even that bad,” he replied, arms folded over his chest. Uraraka laughed, smacking him in the shoulder. Bakugou turned to her, eyes narrowed and angry.

“But it was bad. I mean, the wine stains could’ve told me that.”

“Why are you even asking? So it was a bad date - not like you haven’t had any of those. I don’t ask you for the details.” He scoffed as he turned back to the screens, hands bound into biceps as he held himself back. He wanted to explode the entire room, watch it go up in smoke just so this fucking conversation ended like two minutes ago. But that didn’t happen, and Uraraka kept pushing.

“You never date! It’s the most exciting thing you’ve done since you bought that new TV.” He doesn’t date…but he gets his needs met.

“So? At least I don’t go around with every single fucking guy in the department.” He noted them a few times over the years. It just never occurred to him how much that fact irritated him.

“I so haven’t!” Uraraka laughed. Bakugou scowled.

“You so have.”

“I spy with my little eye a jealous guy,” she laughed, poking her tongue out and acting all cutesy. It was weird, her chin resting in her palm as she edged herself even closer to him than before. Bakugou rolled his eyes.

“Jealous? Of fucking who? Not like I wanna date the American from accounting.”

Uraraka seemed to pause, her face searching for something written in his own. Bakugou furrowed his brow as she kept staring. Then, she scoffed, pushing her hair out of her face. “You’re hopeless. I’m getting coffee,” she sighed and stood up, moving out of the room quickly.

“No sugar this time, you fucking pussy. And make sure they make it extra hot,” Bakugou shouted back to her, but for all he knew, she’d already up and fucked off to do god knows what. She flipped him off as she left, turning to give him a bright smile as she backed out the door.

Uraraka returned to the room, two coffees in hand and handing one to Bakugou, exactly how he liked. No sugar. Just plain old black coffee just the way it should be. Plus, it kept him alert for these long nights with no company. Not as though he cared much for company, but staying alert was all he craved during those times.

As midnight came and went, Uraraka wound up in bed, ungraceful and kept to herself as her sleep crept in. He didn’t notice it at all at first until she became the obnoxiously loud partner he was used to. Loud snores caught in his ears, the room dark except for the bright light of the computer screens in front of him. Even in sleep, she had to make sure she gave him a fucking headache. At least she was consistent. Bakugou’s eyes had started itching about five seconds after the snores had started. Fucking figures. He took a deep breath, rubbing his eyes again as he did a quick survey of the room, unused to feeling so strangely exposed in such a tiny motel room.

Uraraka was cuddled in the bed, curling herself in the sheets as though to cacoon herself in the heavy blankets. If she didn’t snore, it would almost look cute. Bakugou knew from experience though that any and all cuteness would disappear when she woke up, like a troll emerging from under it’s bridge. She snorted in her sleep, rolling over in a sprawl that made his spine ache in jealousy. He wanted to fucking move, to do something other than sit on his ass and watch the grass grow - or at least get some god damn shut eye. Instead, he slapped awareness into his face and stared at the screen again, clicking through the various feeds to make sure everything was in order.

And of course it was - because within the three - or was it four now? - days they had spent in that shitty motel room, not a single fucking thing had happened. If it wasn’t for Bakugou’s absolute faith in his partner’s ability to scare the truth out of people, he’d be concerned they’d pulled a fast one on them. It had been so quiet, of all the things Bakugou missed, he found himself missing the games the Uraraka had pushed him to play.

Under the circumstances, however, Bakugou wanted to go over everything. He had studied the alley so thoroughly that by the third day he’d figured out most of the locals routines, just in case something came up. It hadn’t.

In fact, the most exciting moment they’d had was some extra hanging around the back of the building, looking all shifty. Turns out the guy was just looking for a place to piss. And then...shit. Gross and illegal for sure, but not anything actually related to their drug bust. If it hadn’t risked their position, Bakugou would have blasted the fucker to kingdom come for the sheer pleasure of it.

Other than that, they’d had a solid nothing since they’d arrived, and if something didn’t happen soon, he might just end up killing his partner for something to do.

“Wound up tight huh?”

Maybe she wasn’t the only one. He knew himself better than that.

He knew he wasn’t only talking to her.

As the night wore on, Bakugou kept a long watch, desperately waiting for when Kirishima would come to relieve him of his shift, but refusing to let it show. There was no one there to see it, but the idea of having it be so clear how obviously exhausted he’d become was unacceptable. To pass the time, he’d taken to sneaking glances at his partner - the way she’d contort herself around the blankets, or how she’d begun drooling around hour four. When that became boring, he’d started a small game of how many bits of stationary he could throw at her without her stirring.

His current record was seven paper balls, two pens and a useless eraser. He’d scoured all the desk drawers, and the most exciting thing he’d found was a box of paper clips. Hour six had been dedicated to his new found hobby of paper clip ornaments. And paperclip jewelry. And paperclip throwing.

His new record by hour seven was ten paper balls, two pens, an eraser, and five paper clips.

Bakugou was in for the final swing, paperclip in motion when Kirishima opened the door, a box of energy drinks tucked under his arm and a coffee cup in his hand. His eyes widened as he took in the scene, and Bakugou fought the urge to curl protectively over his hoard of stationary. Instead, he leant back as casually as he could, giving a quick survey of the screens, the room, the bed, before finally bringing his eyes up to meet his friend’s.

“Long night buddy?” Kirishima said, and moved around the desk, “wound up tight, huh?” God, why did he have to go and say that? No. He wasn’t. Even if he - No! Bakugou wasn’t wound up tight. Personality...maybe, but whatever Kirishima was insinuating - no. Bakugou wasn’t wound up tight.

“Tch, as if,” he scoffed, pushing away from the desk and standing up. He tried to hide his grimace as his entire spine cracked.

“Right. Well, I got you covered now. Take a nap dude,” he said and Bakugou pushed past him, seeing the space on the bed that looked so fucking welcoming, it may be the only thing that Bakugou would ever consider marrying.

Oh thank god was the last thing Bakugou remembered before he pushed his partner aside and collapsed onto the bed, paperclips digging into his skin as he passed out. But in the midst of the discomfort, he didn’t care. That bed, with it’s weird hard spots and lumps, was the most comfortable thing in existence.

It was hours later that he woke. He had the strangest feeling, as though he was being watched. Stalked. Something just didn’t feel right. He didn’t want his eyes to open. He didn’t even want to move, but there was an unmistakable presence at his chest. In his arms, he felt the soft press of a body against his own. Bakugou had worked out different types of warmth, his body needed to recognise every type in order to understand his quirk better. He knew what human warmth felt like. And that was definitely it.

He peeked his eye open, still exhausted and unwilling to cooperate with him, but the sight he found was one he expected. Uraraka was fast asleep at his chest, giving out small puffs of air as she slept silently in his arms. In the midst of his realisation of what was happening, it became even more apparent, that Uraraka was not the one that had found herself there...Bakugou was the one keeping her in place. His grip on her was solid and tight.

And she was comfortable, head cradled perfectly into his chest, and to his surprise, she wasn’t floating away. He knew she had ways of falling asleep that prevented her from using her quirk in her sleep - like she used to do - but he didn’t realise she did this. Her left hand was bound to the bottom of her shirt, scrunched in tight, and the other was tightly gripped into Bakugou’s shirt, as though she didn’t want him to move.

But he had to.

He had to get the fuck out of this situation.

Feeling frustrated that his ears were scorching hot, he lifted his hands from her body, slipping out from underneath her and let her fall into the sheets. He thought maybe he needed to get her to loosen her grip on him, but her hand fell away and she curled up on the other side of the bed, in her own dreams once more. Bakugou managed to take himself from the bed without waking her and he sighed in relief, turning to go to the bathroom to shower.

And the feeling of being watched was fucking accurate as he caught the shit eating grin on Kirishima’s face, feet resting on the top of the desk and cup of coffee in his hands. He was enjoying this far too much. It made Bakugou want to fire off a blast at the hardened idiot.

“So -” he started, bringing the coffee to his lips. Bakugou started towards the bathroom, grabbing his towel on the way.

“Not a fucking word,” Bakugou snapped, voice hushed to keep Uraraka from waking.

It wasn’t until Bakugou was in the bathroom did he realise he had done that, all for her benefit. He didn’t kick her out of the bed - which he should have done. He didn’t yell at her for not being awake, he instead kept her asleep. What was wrong with him? He’d done it before - let her sleep, rest in his arms as sleep guided them both into comfort. Even…

He couldn’t think about that night again. He said he wouldn’t. But why the fuck was her face the same as it had been that night? Why was that image stuck in Bakugou’s mind of the soft round face giving out light puffs of air as she breathed. In the shower, he let the heat wash over him, wanting the image to fade. It didn’t. So...he counted the tiles on the wall, angrily muttering to himself as he pushed the thoughts aside.

Counting seemed like something that helped. Dressing when he was still wet helped as well, because everything was gross and figuring out how the fuck to put clothes on a damp body was a challenge in itself. Fixing up the bottom of his shirt, he opened the door to be met with a feral looking Uraraka. Her hair stuck out at all angles and the bags under her eyes were deep. She looked like shit - she got like twelve hours, and if Bakugou didn’t know any better he’d say she’d been in a fucking fight.

“Finally!” she called out and Bakugou grimaced at her.

“Not my fault you slept in, round face,” he said, finger nudging at the centre of her head. She swatted it away, anger building in her eyes.

“Ha-ha, very funny, stop getting in my way,” she said, trying to edge her away around him, but Bakugou stepped a foot in her way. It made him smile to himself. “I will float you,” she warned as her eyes narrowed in on him.

“Like to see you try,” he said with a smirk, hand crackling at his side as a challenge.

“Bakugou, can you see if this person is suspicious or not,” Kirishima called weakly and Bakugou rolled his eyes, stepping aside for her.

“Lucky you, duty fucking calls,” he said, already being pushed out of the way and the door was slammed behind her. Bakugou slowly walked to Kirishima and sat in the chair opposite him. “What’s up?”

“I wanted the flirting to stop,” Kirishima said, reclining back into the chair.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Dude, c’mon,” Kirishima looked at Bakugou as though he were lying - a defiant look of seriously written into his tough features. “There was a moment. Especially with the whole -”

“Don’t say it,” Bakugou warned.

“-cuddling thing. You have to admit you’re not as ‘lone-wolf’ as you appear.”

Bakugou sighed, shaking his head and rubbing at his eyes. “It wasn’t a moment shitty hair - you need to stop reading those trashy magazines.”

“Ah but the trashy magazines are usually right. You telling me you don’t see the signals you two are putting out?” Kirishima asked, the frustration leaking through his normally sunny disposition.

“We aren’t like that, and I don’t care what you have to say about it. It’s fucking round face. Now shut up and don’t talk until you start to make sense.”

Kirishima groaned, taking a moment to rub his eyes before he pushed away from the desk. “I’m getting coffee.” His hands were raised as he left the desk, as though he were defeated by the conversation. Or had enough of it. Bakugou could agree with him there. Bakugou didn’t even try to protest his excus-

Wait...didn’t the fucker have a coffee not fifteen minute before hand?

The door swung closed behind Kirishima, and Bakugou was left staring blankly at the camera feed. He didn’t know what the fuck he was talking about; if Round Face was really into him, and if by some fucking weird mistake he was into her, than wouldn’t it have happened already? They’d been partners for years now, and he’d never even really thought about it as an option. She was his partner, and that was that.

Even if she was, he supposed, not as shitty as the rest of them.

He didn’t know how long he stayed like that, slumped into the chair and thoughts racing a million miles an hour. It was only broken when Uraraka returned, towel scrubbing at her wet hair.

“Where’d Kirishima go?” she asked, and it made Bakugou jump. He ignored the grin on her face when she noticed.

“He left to get coffee and do fuck knows what else. I don’t know when he’s gonna be back.” He answered.

“Oh okay.”

She sat down next to him, the smell of the shitty shampoo they’d brought lingering past him. It wasn’t as though he cared, but it felt weird to smell it on her this time around. She smelled like him, and he like her - constantly in orbit of each other, never able to separate from each other’s gravity.

He looked over at her, sneaking a glance as she tied her wet hair back. She wasn’t… unattractive, really. But he’d never really thought to notice her looks before, beyond the initial “who the fuck is this” that had occured when they’d met. He’d even heard some of the guys talk about her before, not that he cared to listen, and he could kind of see why.

It bothered him, that this was suddenly brought to his attention, and he spent the rest of his shift pissed and distracted. Signals? What fucking signals?

It was nothing. Kirishima could say what he wanted, it didn’t mean that he knew anything about what Bakugou might’ve been feeling.

What did shitty hair know anyway?

The day dragged on, as many had before, and Uraraka seemingly more alert than ever - like a rabbit unable to stay still in its cage, constantly rattling around and bouncing off the walls. In this case, it was kind of true, because whenever Uraraka would float, she’d use the walls and ceiling as her own personal springboards. It was funny the first few times, now it was just like watching a crazy woman hang around his room. He wasn’t much better, setting off small explosions on his fingertips to see if he could beat his record of how quickly he could burn paper.

It was cut down to three seconds from when he was a teenager. Back then, he had less control. Now he was trained, more skilled, more precise. He was a master of his own craft. When it came time for the night, it was Bakugou’s turn to crash. Admittedly, even though his sleep earlier in the day was well and good, he craved sleeping alone, to forget the press on his body. Uraraka gave a reassuring grin to set him on his way, but that smile was meant for anyone other than him - he never felt like everything was going to go smoothly. So, he waited, rest far away from him.

Bakugou crawled into bed, curling the heavy duvet over him and just peeking his head out to allow himself fresh air.

He watched her for some time, sleep so far away, he didn’t think it’d ever fucking come. But in the midst of it all, he watched her fumble and fiddle with whatever was on the desk. He found her utterly distracting, a complete waste of agency time. Yet, he found the moments where she focused, sifting through footage as they all did, and practicing small defensive actions that she knew needed work.

And so did Bakugou.

As she continued, making small notes they needed for reports, he watched as Uraraka let her lip catch in between her teeth, finger playing with the long strands of hair. It twirled around her finger in spirals, flicking as the strands ended, and continued on. When she was lost in thought, there was something strangely delicate about her. She was by no means fragile or on the verge of shattering sort of delicate - but the kind that needed to be tended to, like a flower. And it made him furious. That wasn’t who she was - she wasn’t delicate or fragile.

But for a moment, a single moment, when the moon was just right or something, she was...angelic.

It wasn’t much longer that Uraraka went about fixing up her earpiece, and sleep took Bakugou calmly.

Sleep was sound until the hum of an alarm started to vibrate against the bed, waking him up quickly. Bakugou wasn’t one to burst from his bed, so when he heard the consistent soft thuds echoing around the room, he sprung up from his bed. He had a fear - an odd fear to say the least - that he had slept through a fucking fight and the detectives watching over everything dangling from the ceiling fans, hitting the wall as the wind blew by.

Instead, when Bakugou jolted up, he found Uraraka’s head hitting against the desk, groaning to herself. “What the fuck are you doing?” Bakugou asked, voice hoarse from sleep. He tore the blankets from his torso as Uraraka shot up from the desk and cleared her throat.

“Nothing. I wasn’t contemplating how I would hypothetically kill someone,” she sighed,

“If it’s Kugizaki, factor me into your plan,” Bakugou smirked and Uraraka giggled, covering her mouth as she yawned.

“As if you wouldn’t be,” she said in between the sighs, eager for sleep in every breath. Bakugou felt himself yawn in response to her. She laughed a little before gesturing towards the bathroom. “Can I -”

“Sure. You stink anyway,” he said and Uraraka punched as his shoulder.

“Thanks,” she rolled her eyes, pushing past him. Bakugou shook his head and moved to the screens, filtering through the random people that scattered about, any clues that they may have missed - like people repeatedly showing up in the alley. There had only been a few and they worked in the area so they didn’t really give a shit about those particular people. And yet, after five fucking days, there was still nothing. He didn’t know how people stayed on stakeouts for months at a time when this bullshit was exhausting already.

As Uraraka was in the shower, Bakugou had time to work out, build up a sweat and go take a shower that would benefit his overheated body. He felt the need to earn his shower that day. It was the little things when death was the only other escape from the endless torture of a brick wall on all sides. On the doorframe that could have been bowed from his constant workouts, he started to do pull ups, focusing on his arm strength, how it felt to hold the weight. He managed to turn the screens to him, watching the live feed as he worked out was better than just sitting on his ass.

When sweat pooled on his body, he needed a second to relax. Getting back down onto solid ground, he took off his shirt, rubbing it over his face and chest. He was about to jump back up when Uraraka came out from the bathroom, towel around her shoulders. She had suddenly stopped, watching what he was doing.

“So...what the hell is happening right now?” she asked after a moment’s silence between them.

“Work out, idiot. Isn’t that obvious?” he snarled. She nodded, moving to the desk and getting on with her work. She tilted the screens back to her as to get back into the investigation. Bakugou jumped up again finding the balance he had before on the small space and crossed his ankles to provide himself with a better lift.

When he found the right grip, he pulled himself up as far as he could, face almost to the ceiling before he stayed there for a few seconds, ten at the most for his first before releasing and resting back to stretch out. After a few of these reps, he felt himself being watched - like Kirishima had been doing, but far less tactful. He glanced to the screens to see Uraraka staring at him, watching as he continued to work.

“Oi, round face, what’s with the look?” he grunted, resting back down to see her clearly. She cleared her throat, going back to hiding behind the screens.

“Nothing.”

Bakugou rolled his eyes before getting back to it, adjusting him on the frame and finding his pace again. It wasn’t long before the stares began, her eyes peering up from the screen as she inspected him like a fucking lab rat. Bakugou hated it.

“Oh? Cause it looks like someone took a shit on your dog,” he snarled before dropping down to the floor.

“My what- I’m not even answering that,” she groaned, sitting back in her chair.

“Seriously though, what the fuck is up with you?” he asked, wiping his face down with his hand.

“I’m just. Restless. You aren’t helping.” She avoided his eye and he scowled.

“Why didn’t you say so round face. We could spar,” he said, gesturing for her to get up. She suddenly looked up at him, a flush of red racing over her face that he’d rarely seen before.

“No.”

“Bet I could bench press ya,” he smirked and Uraraka sank in her chair, keeping herself grounded.

“No!” she snapped.

“Geez, the fuck is your problem?” he asked, getting

“I’m getting coffee, take over -” she said, already getting up and out of the room, the door to the hallway swung open as she went off.

“Fuckin - Round face! Come on!” he called, but she was too far gone to get back without blowing up the building with his shouts. “Fuck this,” Bakugou muttered to himself. From the edge of the hall, Kirishima came into view, looking over his shoulder as though he had seen Uraraka leave. The shitty bastard had his face stuffed with junk from vending machines, indulging in his time spent in hiding, it seemed. “Kirishima! Take over,” Bakugou said, gesturing to the computer. Kirishima’s brow furrowed as he came into the room and dumped the junk on the desk.

“What? Why?” he muttered, mouth full with food. Bakugou grimaced.

“I need to shower and Uraraka fucking went AWOL,” he said, grabbing at his things. He growled as he looked back to the empty hallway. “Why does everyone in this fucking room always need coffee!” he snapped, getting to the bathroom and slamming the door behind himself.

By the time Bakugou’s shower was finished, he found Uraraka and Kirishima back to their spot behind the computer. Uraraka was paying less attention than Kirishima, her mind focusing on making a long chain link of paperclips, the building bundle on the floor around her. Bakugou pulled himself together, settling into the bed as he put on his boots. He didn’t know what his day had in store, but he had a feeling something big was going to go down.

The night of an uneventful day drew in, Kirishima heading down for some dinner, it was only Bakugou and Uraraka. Bakugou was scooting his chair around the room, trying his hardest not to blast himself from corner to corner to see if he could set a record. Uraraka rested her cheek on the desk, puffing it up as she waded through endless footage. When Bakugou was on the edge of propelling himself out the window, Uraraka lurched up from her spot and stopped Bakugou in his tracks.

“Hey, come here,” she urged, and he followed, moving around to her side, “one of the cameras is out,” Uraraka commented, pointing to the broken feed that showed nothing but a black screen. Bakugou shrugged, moving away.

“We’ve got the rest of the alley covered, don’t worry about it.”

Uraraka bit her lip, looking back at him. “Are you sure? We could lose something. What if they take another entrance?”

“Then one of the other cameras will catch it. If we’re seen down there, we could spook someone off, just leave it,” he grunted, getting up and arching his aching back. “I have to piss, can you guys make sure we’re covered?” he ordered more than asked.

“Sure,” she said, glancing out the window once more before turning back to the screens.

He felt like he didn’t take much time at all, but when he came out, the whole room felt changed. It was empty, chairs pushed aside and there was something very much off about the whole scene. Something in Bakugou’s gut told him that this wasn’t going to be good. He was already getting ready to call for backup when Kirishima came into the room, a slight yawn as he entered.

“Where’s round face?” Bakugou asked quickly. Kirishima was surprised by the sudden question and gestured over his shoulder.

“She said she was getting coffee,” Kirishima gestured over his shoulder. Bakugou raced to the desk, roaming through the live feeds and cursing.

“That fucking bitch,” Bakugou muttered to himself as he pulled on his bomber jacket.

“What?” Kirishima asked.

“She’s fixing the camera,” Bakugou spat, pointing to the feed that showed Uraraka sneaking into the alley to find the camera. That idiot. That fucking idiot.

Bakugou stormed out of the room, racing down to the alley as fast as he could. The stairs prevented him from flying all the way down without delay. Instead, he skipped as many stairs as he could before he made his way out of the motel. He rounded the corner from the main street, finding the alley dark and uninviting to the average idiot, but Bakugou was pissed.

Storming the alley, he searched for Uraraka - why did that idiot think she could get the camera to work without being seen. She put the damn thing up there with her -

No.

Fuck no.

If she was -

She was.

Bakugou looked up to where the camera was positioned and found Uraraka at least ten feet off the ground - or something to that effect. She was fiddling with the thing, positioned just right, against the brickwork to help her have some control over the entire thing. If this wasn’t so fucking stupid, Bakugou would have commended her for thinking on her feet. Instead, he jumped up and grabbed her ankle. Uraraka yelped, putting the camera back into position quickly.

“The hell do you think you’re doing?” he said, yanking her down. Uraraka deactivated her quirk, falling into Bakugou and trying to stand her ground. He didn’t realise how small she was compared to him - the difference making him how aware how imposing she had to be in order for her to break people.

“I’m fixing the camera,” she snapped, raising her chin. “Which I did, if you cared.” Something felt off about the alley - that there was heat in the air that he couldn’t pinpoint.

“We are not fucking up this mission cause you’re bored,” he snapped at her. The feeling was rising, like the slow crawl of sweat down his spine.

“I’m not -”

“Shut up.”

Bakugou turned, glancing down the alley. He could have sworn...

Looking the opposite direction, it was clearer now. He heard the shuffle, the unmistakable sound of voices, and their destination at the start of the alleyway. Instinct was all he had. Shoving Uraraka back, he didn’t give her much time to think, as he pressed his hand into her waist and the other tried to steady against the metal garage door. He lowered his head to hers, disguising their intention as nothing but a couple finding a dark spot to steal away together. When he turned briefly, the people at the brink of the alley were gone, and they were in the clear.

What Bakugou hadn’t anticipated was the sweat that slicked over his hand, as to when he turned to Uraraka to spit words of anger and frustration, he slipped. When he had turned back, hand unstable and making him lower than he was before, his lips met her cheek and the pair froze. It was unexpected, and definitely not fucking welcome. It took them both a minute to recover, but Uraraka’s face was way more fucking pink than it had been just a few moments before.

Her breath was so warm against his cheek, he thought of when it last touched him - the closeness of a night filled with alcohol and lost memories for her. He remembered it clearly. Still, she had a way of shaking him down, mesmerizing him with the simplest action, and she barely managed to do anything.

Clearing her throat, Uraraka snuck out from his hold and tucked one of her long strands before her ear. “Nice...save…” she said clearing her throat again, and went back to the motel. Bakugou wasn’t sure what to do. Why were his hands way more sweaty than they had been before? And why didn’t he know what do with them, as they moved from his pockets to the back of his neck and he was unable to stop clenching them together.

What the fuck just happened?

Bakugou felt like he was missing something - that there was a reason he was feeling so….fucking flustered. He never got flustered. He had never even used the fucking word but now he was feeling it! He felt weird and unable to figure out what the fuck was going on. When he got back to the motel, Bakugou found the one person he never wanted to interact with after these stupid moments. Shitty….fucking…..hair.

“So….you gonna tell me what happened down there?” he said, a small shit-eating grin plastered on his face. Bakugou’s hands started to steam as he clenched them tighter.

“Don’t fucking talk about i-”

“No, seriously dude, what happened? Did you finally make a move?”

“The fuck is that supposed to mean?” Kirishima buckled for a moment, the shock of the question catching him off guard. Bakugou felt his eyes narrow, questioning his so called friend.

“I thought you -” he stammered.

“We’re not talking about it. Drop the subject, idiot,” Bakugou snarled, pushing past him to get to the room. When inside, Uraraka was under the sheets, body hidden from view and possibly from Bakugou. He didn’t blame her. He hid himself behind the computer screens, the thought of them catching sight of each other that night was a little more than he could take.

It wasn’t long before he heard the soft breaths of Uraraka asleep, quietly humming as she rested. Bakugou hadn’t dared to look her way for some time, but when an hour passed, no snoring and the absence of her restlessness, he became curious. Peering over the top.

Watching her now felt wrong - as though it was something he should be embarrassed about. Bakugou wasn’t embarrassed, but the way the small puff escaped her, a peaceful night sleep coming to her before her snores started, he felt captivated by her. She was something weird and mysterious to him, that he needed to keep an eye on her in order to watch all the mystical and wonderful things he could.

Uraraka was his partner above everything else. He didn’t see her as a family member, he didn’t see her in any other light. It was rare to even consider her a friend.

When Bakugou thought something big was going to happen that day….he didn’t think it would be this.

Kirishima arrived the next morning, silent compared to his usual self. It didn’t bother Bakugou, but he knew why the shitty haired detective was like that. Instead of stewing in the weird space Kirishima was making, Bakugou went out, going to grab breakfast for himself. He didn’t even bother trying to wake Uraraka up - there wasn’t a point this early. All he wanted to do was eat something, have a shower and get on with his day.

When he was on his way back, he started to snack on his food, eating most of it by the time he got back. When he was instead, the sheets to the bed were all thrown to one side, and the shower was running.

Really round face?

Kirishima stayed seated, barely flinching as Bakugou charged at the door, kicking at the base of it. Bakugou slammed his hand into the door, the heavy thuds making it shake in its frame. “Oi Round Face, hurry the fuck up in there! Some of us need to shower too you selfish bitch.”

The sound of the shower seemed to get louder - she must've turned the water up. Bakugou knew these shitty motel rooms and they always had terrible hot water supplies. No way was he letting her use it all - they’d both had a long night. “Hey! Don’t make me come in there! I’ll drag your ass out - this door won’t save you.”

“Fuck off!” It was drowned out by the shower, but it was unmistakable.

Right. Well. He’d had enough. He may have felt embarrassed the night before after that stupid slip up, but Bakugou was never one to let something like that hold him back for long. “You have three seconds to cover yourself or I’m getting a free show of your shitty body.”

He warned, mentally clocking the time. It ran for one second. It continued to run for two. It wouldn’t stop in three. Bakugou stood back from the door, centring himself before he lifted his foot and slammed it against the door, knocking the lock out of place and forcing the door open. Uraraka yelped, but she wasn’t budging from the shower. Bakugou tore the shower curtain aside and Uraraka shrieked.

“Get out!” she yelled, covering herself as much as she could, soap suds running over her figure.

“You first, asshole! I need a shower more than you!”

“You do, but I got here first,” she replied sharply.

“Fuck off, I’m having my shower!”

“I’ll float you to the fucking ceiling!” she swore as she turned away from Bakugou. He switched the shower off as she pointed to the bundle of clothes by the sink.

“I’m getting my shower, round face! Get out!” he said, throwing her clothes at her. He never really cared about nudity, but it felt wrong to keep looking at her as she dressed, even if she was wasting his fucking time. Instead, he glanced up at the ceiling, waiting for her to hurry the fuck up. When she had covered basically anything that resembled indecency, he finally looked at her again, noticing the way she still tried to hide herself.

“Hey!” she shouted, trying to put the rest of her bra on. Bakugou took her by the waist, shoving her aside to get the door closed. Even busted, he could jam it “Asshole!”

“Guys!” Kirishima said urgently. “Shit! Bakugou! I see movement,” Kirishima said and Bakugou urged the door open in one brutal motion. When he was out, he saw Uraraka trying to put her shirt on, trying to get her pants ready to pull on.

“Are you sure?” he asked.

“Hell yeah!” Kirishima turning the screen around showing the shady dealings. Uraraka groaned stepping into her pants, struggling to get them on over her soaking body.

“Move,” Bakugou said, collecting some of Uraraka’s things with him. Kirishima alerted the main office and they were already on their way. They ran down the stairs, Uraraka jumping down steps as she tried to push herself into her jeans.

By the time they made it outside, Uraraka had managed to get her thighs into her pants but was still fumbling to put on her boots that Bakugou - admittedly - threw at her as she continued down the street.

When they were in the alley, Uraraka started to fiddle with her jeans, urging them together at her waist but groaned as they refused to stay.

“Hurry up!” Bakugou spat, trying to tug her forward

“I would if I wasn’t soaking fucking wet,” Uraraka cursed at him.

“Whose fault is that?” he smirked, watching as Uraraka struggled to button up the top of her jeans. She punched his ribs as she passed him. He rubbed at the pain before they all started to set up for their raid.

They stayed either side of the entrance, waiting for more back up and possibly checking if this was fucking faulty info that the asshole Kugizaki gave them. Bakugou was leading, adjusting his wrist guards that he managed to put on in the mess that was Uraraka. Kirishima followed with Uraraka behind him, the two nodding to Bakugou to give them a sign if it was time to charge in. Listening close, he heard chattered.

“Trigger needs to be shipped out today. Where the hell have you guys been?” Bakugou raised his hand, waiting for a reply.

“We were looking for Kugizaki, but the bastard has gone off and done his thing again,” another grunted back, and Bakugou had the pair flank him, watching as the edge of the alleyway had police cars sealing of the exit points.

The three barrelled their way through the entrance, causing the men inside to freeze. Bakugou was already letting off the sparks in his hand, eager for a fight to start - he was definitely wound up.

“Eraser Agency! Freeze!” Kirishima shouted.

“We will use force, assholes!” Bakugou warned, but the group around started to disperse.

“Go,” Uraraka shouted. He didn’t need to be told twice.

Bakugou put his palms down to the floor, a blast coming from his hands as he flew into the air, and another blast had him propelled back to the ground, tackling down two guys. They fell hard on the ground, wind knocked from them and Bakugou was quick to restrain them. Kirishima was charging through, disarming and restraining as many as he could.

Uraraka surprised him, as she faced three men all on her own. Well - one man. His quirk must have been a multiplication quirk, three of himself all trying to surround her. He realised as he was cuffing the two that he had cuffs for Uraraka in his pockets that he didn’t hand over. Shit. Instead of her possibly panicking over being at a disadvantage, she moved quick, dashing towards one. He looked prepared to grapple with her until she activated her quirk, pulling herself into the air.

Dropping the quirk as quickly as she activated it, she was at his back, bracing for the impact on her knees. Finding the balance she needed in no time, she kicked him square in the back, forcing him to the floor.

With a hard enough knock, the guy’s body - supposed to be falling to the ground - fell apart into smoke. Uraraka smiled as she went for the next, the guy completely off guard as she came at him, then slipping down to the ground to knock him straight off his feet. When he too fell to dust, Uraraka wasted no time in turning on her heels. She grunted hard as she threw herself into running.

The guy, realising he couldn’t out maneuver her on his own already trying to get away, but Uraraka was quick this time. She was like an angry lioness - finding her prey and going for the kill, no matter what. When she was the right distance, she threw herself into him, getting him to the ground quickly and taking his arms behind his back.

Uraraka spat her wet hair from her face, flicking it over her shoulder as she restrained him, knee digging into the guy’s back as she kept him pinned. She looked up at Bakugou, eyes narrow and focused. She gestured to Bakugou, hand demanding him to give her something.

And for some reason, it took him way longer to get to the point. She pointed to the cuffs he had ready for her. Why the fuck wasn’t he giving them to her? Fuck. Dammit, right. He handed them over, the weight of them so much heavier compared to when he held them before he saw her.

“I’ve got this, ” She spoke quickly as she went back to her suspect.

Bakugou swallowed hard, nodding along as he guided his two men away.

But over all of it, Bakugou felt the heat rise in his face, the unmistakable way his ears were burning as he looked at Uraraka. Because he thought...she looked hot.

Yeah, she was hot when she was wet and naked and it threw him off but at least that made sense.

Naked?

Wet?

Soapy?

Of course that’s hot!

What shouldn’t be hot is her shirt sticking to her chest and back and under her arms from the combination of sweat and soapy water, as she slam tackled the suspect.

What shouldn’t be hot is the way she spat the wet hair out of her face when she looked up at him, demanding the cuffs that suddenly felt slack in his hands.

Almost like a punch to the gut, Bakugou had the startling moment of realisation that those things weren’t hot. He found them hot, because he actually, maybe - just maybe - might have been attracted to fucking round face.

Fuck.

#kacchako #kacchako fic #bakugou x uraraka #uraraka x bakugou #my fics #the stakeout

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gg-astrology · 6 years ago

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Can you read Shannon Williams's future in 2019? Thank you for the past predictions ❤️💜

Hey there! 💕 Thanks for dropping by again! 💕 I could do a transit thing for her and it’ll be general to everyone as well, but I’d also like to recommend trying out tarot readings (if you’re into that) or other types of readings for faster results maybe (it takes time to cast for horary readings, and with transit/progressed its like-- I can’t say much without her birthtime?)💕

Not that it’s a bad thing but like, since we don’t have her birthtime I’m very limited on what I can say about her especially with her houses, context, signs most of the time. So all in all-- this wouldn’t be very accurate, I hope you enjoy it as a practice run nevertheless! 💕

Note: This is a progressed chart, starting at 26 May 2019 (on her birthday) -- since the last one we did was in December 2018, this one is starting a little later. Also since we don’t have her birthday, I’m only using 12pm standard, so the houses themselves aren’t accurate and some of the signs may shift/change as well (we’re going to disregard the axis here too because we don’t know her birth-time).

Also to note: this isn’t the same as the last chart. That was casted on the day, this one is looking at transits and progressed. I honestly can’t vouch for accuracy with this one since we’re missing her birthtime.The reason I’m doing this is to see how it turns out, test it, experiment with it and practice it. I hope you understand 💕

Alrighty, first thing’s first is her luminaries. Most noticeably the Pisces Moon that shifted from her Natal Gemini into Pisces.

Regardless of houses (inaccuracies) it does signify a challenge emotionally, subconsciously. Pisces being squares to Gemini means she’ll have to adapt her way of thinking, processing, getting through to other people. Her emotions may be more sensitive, turbulent, having to shift from big to small to big again often.

Emotions comes quicker but also slower, it’s paradoxical. It’s like feeling things become easier, but identifying what or why they’re feeling something-- the underlying rationality beneath it becomes harder to explain to others.

Imagination, creativity, flowing of self-expression but also some frustrations (if they notice it) that comes with the territory as well.

There’s still that modality to them, but the approach to emotionality becomes different. Instead of seeking stimulis (and others through it) it might become more subdued, more self-focused. The concentration here is in the self, depleting from others and ‘getting to know the self’.

Pisces Moon works different from Gemini Moon in a way that certain things become unexplainable, frustration starts when the person cannot explain how they feel, why they feel that way or how they could come across with others. They may become talkative about their emotions (Moon-Mercury aspect see later) -- but they may also be reluctant to confront/face the core of their problem (procrastinate away from it).

They emphasize/sympathize with others, however they may have difficulties truly connecting because the sense of self is stronger too (self-focused)-- as in, they exert themselves more but also retreat back into themselves. There’s a stronger inner-activity here than her previous placement, so the inner-life is enriched and that may be prone to vivid imagination/day-dreams (more often).

Another thing to notice is Mercury that shifted from Taurus to Cancer. With Taurus-- in her overview reading we’ve talked about how it takes some time for her to move forward on a certain idea she’s had (or change her mind on something).

Cancer as a cardinal sign kind of signifies putting things into gear, but through that the person has to learn how to adapt/use their emotionality (like the Pisces Moon) in order to facilitate this motion as well.

Certain things are unexplainable which causes frustration to the Gemini/Taurus person, because it relies heavily on intuition and emotionality. It’s what they’ve learnt/experienced/gained but hasn’t realized they had until they ‘just do it’. So in a way-- the influx of water transition in her chart right now is like a ‘release’ of all the tension her natal placement usually holds for her.

It can feel like a dam flowing however, because it’s usually beyond the scope of what the person can ‘restrict/control’-- thus, frustration builds up within the self and what it wants to do (Taurus/Gemini).

Water adds an element of learning/absorbing and applying things we’ve experienced by ‘unleashing’ it outwards. Letting it flow, sometimes without our control. It aligns with her south node-- which might be grounding for her to be in to an extent, but it also makes you incredibly self-aware of your short-comings and lessons you still have to partake/learn.

Other than that, we have her Venus in Taurus right now-- moving from Venus in Aries-- which might point more to canoodling, sensualize tender emotionality/approach with others/relationships.

Happy stuff, not so much struggling anymore since Taurus is ruled by Venus. So instead of ‘fighting!!!!’ to get what they want, this is more about learning how to stand ground and naturalize their abilities to their benefit (harmoniously)

Aspect wise, Moon-trine-Mercury right now (in water signs) and Sun-conjunct-Mercury (Gemini-Cancer) talks about a persuasive speaker, a spokesperson (not literal- like stand up for themselves), can sometimes have hidden agendas. But learning, growing, maturing. More intouch with themselves (compared to Taurus Mercury in natal) Depth of emotionality should be acknowledged to make the most of this while still in transit.

Sun conjunct Mars while the Moon square Mars-- again, past frustration with not doing what they want to do, mind/emotions are at odds to their actions/long term plan. However they are revitalized/benefiting a lot from this aspect as well, there are lessons to be learnt during this period that is more beneficial to their person/long-run even if it may seem at odds to what they want right now.

Sun square Jupiter and Mercury square Jupiter-- probably a good idea to steer clear of public reception for now, right now alot of the things they may rush to say may not be received.

Mostly has to do with not seeing beyond the self (Cancer/Gemini) or trying to insert the self when the conversation at large is more transcendental right now. But generally, the lessons they learn from their Moon may help them grasps a better idea of what the public is receptive towards, as they are part of that public as well (even when its not aspected together)

Sun and Mercury however is sextile to Saturn -- so if it’s a time to suck up to authority, or try to gain power in corporate/work structure now might be a better time to garner a stable reputation/statues.

Aim for practicality, long-term foundation. Her Taurus Mercury has that already, but in this case she also has insights from Cancer as well. Try to push for agendas or potentials that will leave room for expansion/growth in the future, when this transit shifts to something else instead and she may need it. Relate to foundational growth, stability, some of the things Cancer might not be prone to like expressing vulnerabilities might also?? help?? (not sure, since it can be kind of hard/uncomfortable for them to do so, but it will open up doors for them as well)

Venus square Uranus, while Mars is trine Uranus -- I think these has been here for a while, but with Venus square Uranus in particular the mind is consumed by thoughts/vibrations of whatever is signifying Uranus for them. It can lead to a person walking down a path, and realizing too late that they got distracted by it they don’t know how to get back to where they’re from.

It can, however, be a good thing. Since everybody has to learn through life anyways, experience and choosing their own paths even if it doesn’t seem like the ‘right one’ might help with that.

Anyways, I hope you enjoyed this! 💕 I’m--- wary of all my shannon williams posts ever since she’s?? read?? my overview for her so now im just like ‘can i just ask her for her birthtime and get it done with??’ bUT jksdnfk 💕💕 Anyways, I hope you liked it anyways!

#rikashii #asks #shannon williams #shannon arrum williams lees #shannon kpop #shannon william asks

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destroyer-immortalizer-blog · 6 years ago

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Hello! If you don't mind me asking how do you write Simaris? It's for a story I'm making and I feel that I'm just not doing it... right? I can't even explain how I'm writing him that's how clueless I am

// Hello! It’s no problem at all, I’d be happy to describe my methods for him. But, let me start with: don’t be down on yourself! Simaris is difficult to write for, and it can be tricky to find his voice.

// To save people’s dashes from this thesis paper I’m about to type up, I’ll put the rest under a cut. I’ll have a few general tips as well as my specific Simaris writing methods.

// First, I’d highly recommend going through the wiki of Simaris quotes and first reading, then listening to the audio of his lines. Both initially, and whenever you feel stuck or you’re searching for a tone. It will help you get a better idea of his speech patterns, vocabulary, inflections and tone, all of which can be useful when writing dialogue. Canon lines are also a way to figure out behavioral patterns. It’s a good, objective base to start with.

// Some base dialogue tips for you: he has a bit of a strange, semi-formal way of speaking. He doesn’t speak like a thesaurus, but slang and contractions are not something he indulges in often. He has been known to throw in a sentence that sounds poetic or flourishy to make a point. However, he will typically be straightforward when he speaks.

// You’ll find a few constants with Simaris’s behavior too: he’s very enthusiastic about his work with Sanctuary, and not particularly forgiving to those who get in the way (example, he yells at Tenno who kill Synthesis targets, but praises those who capture them successfully). Simaris talks as if he’s big and important and the king of his own realm - because, to be fair, he kind of is when it comes to Sanctuary. He can be bossy and more often gives commands than makes requests. He’s also very blunt when he speaks - sometimes abrasive and rude. Simaris does not sugarcoat. But, he also rarely outright lies, and usually just withholds information instead.

// He’s also not as openly emotional as say, Ordis would be.However, Simaris does still display emotion; he gushes over his Helios sentinels, and can get frustrated or angry fairly easily. And, however much he insists emotional actions and caring for others are glitches and he is beyond them, Simaris will show up when things get bad, and he will act in defense of those he is shown to have relationships/acquaintanceships with.

// Simaris is, honestly, kind of a jerk if you just take him at face value. But, if you dig deeper than that and analyze some of his dialogue, there are suggestions that he is capable of growth and acting better than he has in the past. I like to capitalize on the underlying traits of Simaris, and think that he actually does care deeply about certain people. But I mostly limit this to people he is known to associate repeatedly with in canon - so basically, Suda and Ordis.

// Also, when you write for Sim, remember that his primary motivation is Sanctuary. It’s his main precept, and if the Sanctuary is at stake, he will usually act in Sanctuary’s interests, much as Ordis would act in the Operator’s interests.

// Once you get a good idea of how canon Simaris behaves, then you can try to extend that to other situations. I’m not sure about the context of your story, so I’ll try to give you an idea of the way I choose to write him, just in case that helps you.I’ll be getting into headcanon territory some of this, so take everything after this point with a grain of salt. If you like it and agree, feel free to apply it to your version; just keep in mind these statements may not be supported by canon.

// If you plan on putting Simaris into a relationship, I would personally say to have him show hesitation and restraint. I do not see Simaris as the type to bust down the door and declare his love for someone. He’s much more likely to pretend he doesn’t have those feelings at all, and once he is forced to acknowledge them, he will be at kind of a loss on how to deal with it. Hopefully, he will have a more emotionally clued-in partner, because he’s going to need it.

// I theorize that his apparent need for control and quick temper when things don’t go to plan originate from an underlying anxiety disorder that was severe when he was human, but repressed when he became a Cephalon. He’s someone with anxiety trying to pretend as though they don’t have anxiety. If you’ve ever known anyone like that, you’ll quickly understand what I mean. He keeps up a facade of control, but as soon as he is challenged to any great degree, his neurotic tendencies will show.

// I think that about covers the bases! The last piece of advice I can leave you with is this: the more you write for Simaris, the more naturally you’ll be able to fall into it. But, do not be afraid to repeatedly revise your parts for him. I had a hard time finding my Simaris voice when I started this blog, and would often have to take longer periods of time than normal to figure out my replies. I still do that, but trust me, where Simaris is concerned, practice and repeated listens of canon dialogue really do help.

// I hope all of this makes sense and is helpful general advice! Please feel free to send more asks about specific points if you want advice on any one aspect of writing Simaris in particular.

#[🔶] Another Null Cephalon | (OOC)#[🔶] Spewing Corrupt Data | (Headcanons)#[🔶] Searching For Answers Tenno? | (Asks)

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lettertoyoutwo · 4 years ago

Text

I’m going to preface this by saying I love you both, and I’m going to try to refrain from making blanket statements and stick to what I’m feeling, by saying specifically that I feel this way or it seems like something. Feelings aren’t always accurate, of course. The only thing I’ll make statements on is what my therapist has told me as fact; and I’m only putting so much weight in what was pointed out to me strictly because it directly echoes the things my previous 3 therapists have taught me. It leads me to believe this single therapist isn’t randomly really off base. And something I have always valued my entire life is understanding other people, and growth. So this text is more about me coming into an understanding of the bigger picture, seeing areas where growth can happen, where growth has happened, and to explain my thought process in conjunction with my therapy plan this last year. This isn’t an attack by any means even if I do get emotional. Nor is this a woe is me, I’m not in the wrong at all letter - you guys had every opportunity to express your issues with me. I’m simply asking for the time and respect to have my feelings heard out.

Long story short: my therapist pointed out ways that you two have been breaching my boundaries, doing triangulation and black & white thinking, attempting to manipulate me, and showing a pattern for devaluing and discarding. I don’t believe you guys are doing it on purpose, or even aware of it, I think you’re doing what you think is right - unfortunately it’s not healthy. I was completely unaware of it and how much it’s been effecting me. If you’re not interested in hearing what I have to say about how this has been hurting me, and likely poorly explaining what my therapist saw that I didn’t, then don’t read any further I guess. Honestly with how you guys have been acting recently, I don’t expect to be heard out with an open mind and understanding of compassionate heart. I expect you guys to take something I say in here out of context/misunderstand it, and run with it; but maybe that’s my trauma history with a specific toxic ex friend causing me to be scared.

I’m hurt, and have been hurt for some time now. It didn’t make sense to me, and all I kept telling my therapists was “my friends are looking out for me/want the best for me.”

My therapist and I were discussing my recent stint of ‘should I leave kyle’ feelings while I was deep in PTSD mode these last couple months, and she asked me ‘it seems like we keep coming back to this from time to time, why do you consider it?’ And of course, I replied with my list of issues I’ve had with him. She then asked me like what all has he done in response, has he done this or that blah blah. And I’m like okay here’s how the convos go, he’s really stubborn and frustrating and defensive sometimes, he struggles seeing things from other ppls perspectives, this is how the convos go after talking to therapist about it, this is how he realizes things, this is what he does to implement what we talked about. And my therapist goes, “well, what else can he do? Thats a pretty healthy response” and how all we can do as people is learn and put effort into correcting it for next time. I’m like. Oh, idk then. And she asks me something along the lines of, “So do we think you keep coming back to this question because you’re scared, or do you feel pressured in some way to break things off?” And I go “I mean yeah maybe I’m scared to be vulnerable and trust someone is actually putting effort in to be better for me instead of just saying words like my ex, but my friends don’t like him, don’t think he’s a good person, and it’s effecting how they view me.”

My therapist was taken aback, to say the least.

So we spent some sessions going over how you guys have responded and acted since the very start. Previously I’ve only ever focused on Kai and what he did wrong and how it bothered me, and she would suggest how to approach it in a discussion and the talks would go well and she would be like yeah he responded like a healthy adult after the original disagreement. We never really talked about you guys, because I never really saw much issues. I genuinely believed you guys cared about me and wanted only what was best for me. Maybe you guys believed that too. Maybe you guys do, but your approach has been..less than ideal, to put it lightly. Actively harmful, to put it how my Therapist said.

Things have been obviously stressed between us for some time now. I’ve been feeling it probably since nov, definitely December. told myself you guys were maybe busy and going through stuff, especially at first with the holidays, that maybe you were feeling like I was being off and distant first, so I was patient and put more effort into talking to you guys and letting you know how much you meant to me. It felt like it got better for a bit, only to resurface a few more times. I’ve cried about it plenty, I sucked it up because I know it’s not anyone else’s responsibility to make me feel better or give me reassurance and I’m trying to be more emotionally self sufficient, even though a couple times I broke down and asked for it from you guys. I didn’t want to be a burden. I however didn’t realize I was scared to confront you guys and express how I was feeling and why.

At this point, I don’t feel like you guys like me. As a friend, or a person for that matter. I’ve known since like nov/dec yall were talking without me present, you stopped interacting with my on fb for the most part even after Ez got back from post block, you guys made plans to hangout with me repeatedly. It sucked, I tried to not read into it because of COURSE that’s okay. But there was a reason for it and it kept eating at me. I know why, or at least I know some of it. I might not be privy to everything you guys have felt, because you don’t communicate that with me. Maybe you’re scared, too. Maybe you feel like nothing you say will get through to me. Maybe you’ve been done with me and you’re just doing that thing Ez does where they...kinda basically ghost the person instead of talking about what the person did that upset them, and wait for the person to stop sending them PMs. Apparently, this is considered part of the silent treatment. I didn’t know that. Color me surprised. I’m assuming it’s because confrontation is scary, but only you can look inside yourself and question if there’s an underlying feeling of maintaining control in some way that goes along with it that you haven’t admitted to yourself yet.

I know the original stressor was Halloween, when permission was given to touch some butts and Kai said something really fucking insensitive he shouldn’t have. His opinion wasn’t needed. All because he’s used to jealous people and he didn’t want me to think he was into Ez or enjoying touching their ass that much, after they had flirted before. I literally couldn’t care less even if you guys had hooked up, it’s a nice butt, enjoy it. It’s not an excuse, but it’s the reason for his comment that hurt you. I understand his mental process, I do not accept it, and he accepts he fucked up.

Since the Stressor in our “friendship” has been Kai, and your guys’ response to that stressor and your actions toward me has been what my therapist has the issue with, I’m unfortunately going to have to go over some things that do include him. I hope you read it over from a place of wanting to understand me, and how I don’t understand why, and not feeling like it’s an attack that you need to get defensive over, or like I’m defending him. I’m not, maybe it has felt that way though. Maybe there’s been a misunderstanding between us in that regard.

Was it shitty? Yes. Should he have apologized? Absolutely. I still believe he should, personally, because I think everyone should get an apology whenever the people are ready. You guys probably don’t agree, which is fine. Regardless, from what my therapist has said: That journey to apologizing is his, not mine. What he needs to go through to work up the nerve to face someone is his. Not mine. He wasn’t at a place where he could face his embarrassment and give the apology he owed. Does it say something about where he was at as a person then? Yes of course. Does it affect our relationship to this day? Of course.

Ez immediately told me that it hurt their feelings and they were crying! I was fuming, and couldn’t not say something, and talked to him about hurting my friends feelings. I blindsided him, and he was embarrassed and got defensive. Something my therapist pointed out that he needs to work on, and he is. It almost ended that night because that’s how much Ez meant to me, but my therapist told me: their relationship is not yours. Friends having a falling out has nothing to do with me.

Ez you never reached out to him to address the fact you were hurt, and I only asked clarification so I wasn’t assuming or in case Kai lied to me. As my therapist said, if such were the case: you inadvertently triangulated and turned me into a mediator in that moment whether you meant to or not. You confided in me knowing me well enough to know I was going to have to say something. Previously when you guys were at odds with eachother, I had already talked with my therapist and then expressed and set the boundary with both of you that I was done mediating, that it’s toxic for me and something I need to unlearn. My therapist said to stop mediating completely prior to the Halloween thing. Teaching me that people’s friendships are their own and completely separate to their friendships/relationships with me. You guys didn’t need to be friends in order to have friendships/relationships with me (I appreciated the effort on your part, of course). Essentially, you guys were adults, it was your guys’ to figure out. Confront him. If he was a whole douchebag and a half when he was confronted by the person he hurt, I’d have ended it right then and there. My therapist pointed out how probably unintentionally, you disrespected my boundary - and that this was classic triangulation. Eye opener for me, I didn’t think anything you had done was wrong. And part of it is my fault, I shouldn’t have said anything to Kai because it wasn’t my place nor my responsibility to inform him that he had hurt your feelings, it was yours. He would have been completely unaware that what he said hurt your feelings, I didn’t even think anything of it until you told me it hurt you.

Then you guys told me in I think November he still hadn’t apologized, meaning Ez was upset he never gave you the respect of an apology, which leads my therapist to speculate you must have wanted or expected one, otherwise why get so upset and handle this convo how you did. Wanted/expected an apology despite not communicating to him you were hurt and would like one - my therapist takes yet another issue with this lack of communication and putting me in the middle. You should have gotten one, of course. You and Alexa then brought up all these hypotheticals (which let me know you guys had been discussing it outside of the group chat, which was fine, but the start of some hurtful stuff) that made me angry with him and put me into super anxiety mode - what if he does really terrible hurtful even abusive things to me and doesn’t even think it’s important to apologize! I remember it so clearly, I was sitting at his DND during our convo and didn’t want him to even touch me. It was hard to breathe, I went to the bathroom to cry. You guys encouraged me to break it off with him. Apparently, this was capitalizing on my trauma history. A discussion happens between Kyle and I regarding this topic, he says how he wants to apologize in person and all this shit and I angrily inform him it’s too late, he majorly fucked up and waited too long to ever have a chance of repairing that. He apparently assumed from that there was no point and that Ez didn’t want to hear from him. He thought giving them space was the best option because he had hurt them so bad without meaning. That’s on him.

Because Ez you never went TO him. That’s on you.

You have no idea how much of a hot button topic this is in my relationship and how I hold it against him. How it’s a really blazingly red learning curve for him, that he could still lose me over it if at any point I decide I decide it’s too much.

I remember not too long after that talk, Ezra then made a “I thought we were breaking up with him” comment when I didn’t end things after a talk with my therapist at the time. It made me feel...weird. Something was wrong, and I didn’t know what it was. But now I understand that the whole conversation, capitalizing on my trauma history, making me scared of all the hypothetical what if’s, making me scared of the guy I was seeing, was pressuring me to leave him. I’m not sure if you guys even realize that or not? Like it was maybe entirely unintentional...but maybe deep down it wasn’t. You guys made some blanket statements at the time eluding to ‘he’s not a good person’ (I have zero idea if Ez was the one saying that in private chats first, or if Alexa was telling Ez that his actions made him a bad person - you guys know the answer to that between yourselves). I reasoned with myself that you were looking out for me, that you wanted the best for me, and so you were worried. I genuinely believed that, and took this as a show of love from my friends. Even if it were true, it doesn’t take away from the fact that it wasn’t okay.

Ez, you probably feel like I chose sides. You did with Isaac, for good reason. If Kai had assaulted you, or he had done this on purpose to hurt you, I absolutely would have ended things right then and there, and if it ever does come out that it was intentional with the motive to hurt you, I would end it. But he hurt your feelings on a supposed accident because he doesn’t think through what he says all the time and didn’t want me to be jealous. That’s not an excuse, it’s a reason for a mistake that he’s taking to heart and working on, because it’s a huge issue for him. You don’t have to believe it or trust him, he’s hurt you. It was stupid and insensitive. The thing is, I wasn’t mediating, I wasn’t ‘picking sides,’ it was your guys’ semi-friendship to sort out and communicate through and end if the damage was too much. It was personal between you two. Maybe you feel hurt and betrayed because I didn’t choose ‘your side,’ I don’t know. If you do, I’m sorry. Alexa if you see me not choosing Ez’s side as a betrayal, it would make sense the way you’ve felt/acted towards me, betrayal is a big trigger for you, and maybe you have a belief that only bad people betray. Idk, I always try to think of what reasons others have for the way they’re feeling/acting and take their stuff into account. Reasons for people’s actions are important to me. Understanding what’s going through their head is important to me.

But it’s something my therapist takes issue with again: picking sides, and/or wanting your friends to pick sides between personal fights is extremely unhealthy. Like, it’s toxic to expect that out of your friend. This was a thought I had had back then as a possibility, but I brushed it off. But, asking someone to pick sides in scenario’s like this is a part of triangulation and Black and White Thinking, apparently. Making blanket statements and labeling someone as a ‘bad person’ is part of Black and White Thinking. It’s a defensive strategy (sometimes due to being raised in a narcissistic abusive environment) but many people do it without realizing it’s an issue. Mentally ill people with a trauma history (gang gang) tend to do it the most. These are often actions that are normalized by abusers to their children and/or victims who then inherit the normalized habits without realizing that it’s wrong. I know from experience, and I had to unlearn wanting/expecting people to pick sides or putting labels on people instead of their actions and thinking of them as ‘bad people’ or ‘shitty people’ or ‘against me.’ These weren’t even cohesive thoughts I had, but I realized they were beliefs I held in my body over time in therapy. It’s toxic. One that reminds me all too well of my mom honestly. I still struggle with b&w thinking, but usually on the opposite end of the spectrum, seeing people as good despite their faults and making excuses for things that they never put effort into getting better, both SOs and friends. I’m learning to set boundaries and I need to expect them to be respected, but my boundary of not being mediator wasn’t. Ez told me so that in a way I would inform Kai whether they realize it or not, because they expected an apology and got more upset that they didn’t receive one when they didn’t reach out to him themself, immediately turning me into the mediator. That wasn’t fair to me, and it wasn’t fair to expect me to pick a side when it was a personal thing. Of course it made me view him differently. It also made me view Ez a little differently, but again I tried to brush that off. You guys were looking out for me, is all. You guys care about me, that’s all

Triangulation and B&W Thinking, being a huge way narcissists deal with things, and realizing you guys were doing that even a tiny bit is probably triggering and this is where I start getting emotional and jumbled. I grew up with it my whole life, my mom going to my siblings to talk about me and get validation from them when I did something to upset her, or her coming to me to talk about my siblings or a family member and get validation from me when they did something to upset her. Because she thinks in b&w and immediately labels people as bad and wants everyone else within close proximity to her to agree with her. You’re either with, or against her. It’s 100% unhealthy. She turned siblings and family against eachother. It’s usually not a conscious choice to do it, and most people aren’t aware they’re doing it.

Some people even have Core Belief System that makes them think that this is normal and right to label someone after a mistake, or choose sides, etc. Core Beliefs vary, they’re often times stuff we learned in childhood that we have to unlearn as adults, like negative self talk. Kai and I have done some exercises evaluating his Core Belief systems and which ones are immediately unhealthy, and it was such a huge eye opener for him. I know when I started therapy, learning about the Grey Area blew my whole fucking mind and flipped the world upside down.

Honestly, I’ve stopped talking about Kyle much at all because your guys’ response is: no response if it’s something cute or positive he did, or you try to convince me I should end things, that I seem to want to end things, or that he’s a bad person when I’m frustrated. Or you say I’m making excuses for him when I explain what’s going on and what he’s become self aware of and has started working on, or tell me I’m doing too much when I explain what conversations we’ve had and how it’s progressing to better understanding and a plan to make it better in the future. Everything since Nov/Dec has been negative when I’ve tried, so I stopped unless I was at my wits end and couldn’t talk to my therapist first. I don’t tell you about all the ins and outs of our conversations we have after getting advice from my therapist, I don’t tell you how he literally does everything my therapist says a healthy person should do in specific circumstances. You only want to see and convince me of the negative. Which means, you guys have actually been manipulative in that aspect, and I’m not sure you guys realize it.

An example that stood out to me was when Ezra attempted to tell me, on I think two occasions, that him being jealous AT ALL is toxic and grounds to leave him. If you genuinely believe this, then this is a Core Belief you have about the word and it’s actually not correct. Jealousy is not inherently toxic, it doesn’t mean the relationship ‘is doomed’ or thst you need to get rid of it immediately, it is a normal human emotion. It depends on how your jealousy manifests and what you do/act on/how you communicate through it and work on it that makes it toxic or a healthy interaction. Every step of the way Kai has communicated through his insecurities and any jealousy he has had in a healthy way. But I feel like this isn’t one of your Core Beliefs ez, because you’ve straight up been jealous of him in the past and have felt jealousy in general, because you’re human and it’s normal to feel from time to time. I’m not sure if you’re struggling with self-shame for feeling jealous at times in your life, but it also feels like projection on your part. Regardless it was manipulative of you to try to tell me that and encourage me to leave the person you don’t like.

Something I noticed, especially after my therapist started pointing out some of this stuff, is how you guys kind of...blacklist people when they do something you don’t like. It made sense to me when it was something that hurt yall, but it was still a trend. I explained a handful of instances I watched this happen, and my therapist pointed out the Devaluing and Discarding that takes place each time, alongside some triangulation and b&w thinking. And like, I get it, because I’ve lived it, dealt with it, been in therapy for years discussing it and undoing it, unlearning habits I picked up from childhood and trauma defense mechanisms. Someone does something wrong, that you guys don’t like it don’t approve of, and you talk about them and make broad generalizations about them, get petty, cut them off or ghost them, and you feel justified because of what they did while you put a Label on them. Of course you’re allowed to feel how you feel, you’re allowed to not like whoever for whatever reason, but you guys (and I say this broadly bc I don’t know who’s the one doing it and who’s encouraging it?) do it to a degree that’s unhealthy to my therapist. I’m not perfect either, I’m not saying I am, so don’t put words in my mouth or assume that’s what I’m saying. I’m saying I’ve noticed a trend with you guys. And frankly I was naive to think you wouldn’t do it to me after watching you guys do it to a handful of people.

Something I’ve learned in therapy over the years is that yes feelings are always valid, but they aren’t always accurate, or correct. I’m not gaslighting you and saying your feelings are somehow wrong, its just a fact about feelings. And this is often what leads people into b&w thinking, and devaluing. Have your feelings been right at times? Of course, and these defense mechanisms protect you from getting hurt again by someone, especially someone who’s shown they’re not on your side or they disrespect you. People will talk, and without realizing it make generalizations and put labels on others together, thus convincing the friend group to side with them. The “bad” person, who is a perceived threat is ‘not trustworthy/safe’ anymore, starts to get left out. They’re no longer considered, they no longer receive any understanding or empathy. Often everything they do is now judged with a ‘they have bad intentions/are being a bad person’ view. This NARCISSISTIC triangulation. It’s part of the Devaluing process. It’s an unhealthy, toxic, and harmful defense mechanism so you won’t be hurt by the target again. And if you can’t tell you’ve started doing it to me, idk how to open your eyes to that habit of yours.

There’s a difference between personal and DANGEROUS. Kyle hurt ezra’s feelings, he made a mistake and didn’t make it right, thus its personal between the two of you. He wasn’t immediately dangerous like You Know Who, who had assaulted Ezra.

A big problem is you guys have started Devaluing me; it’s not that it feels like it, you guys are. It’s been going on for a long time and I didn’t realize how bad or toxic it was until it was pointed out to me. I have become the new target, the new ‘bad person’ because I didn’t agree with you guys or give in to... manipulation? How fucking sad is that, I was defending you guys for so long, meanwhile you’ve been actively disrespecting me, ignoring my boundaries, and hurting me. Triangulating further within a new group chat, I’m sure.

Because you’re hurt and upset by my action of not choosing a side? Or not leaving him when you thought I should? Of making so-called excuses for him (there’s a difference between listing reasons for what lead someone to making a mistake that they’re working on, vs listing excuses for actions they made with zero effort and intention to work on - something I learned in therapy that my therapist reiterated to me when I was concerned that maybe I was making excuses for Kai. Him not apologizing excluded, that was done and too long to make right, so he’s putting effort into working on confronting people when he does something wrong so he never does it again, hence working on it). Maybe you feel like I actually chose his side, which is so not true - we just communicated over and over again through the issues his shitty actions caused between him and I. You can feel hurt, it’s so valid, and I’m sorry if I ever did anything to ever hurt either of you that I don’t realize or make you feel unimportant. However it genuinely feels like that it’s over me not doing something that is inherently unhealthy, and you guys have responded in a really toxic way...while at one point trying to convince me Kyle is the sole toxic one. You see how wrong that is?

We all are unhealthy in some way. We’ve all got our shit. I’m thankful to have been in therapy going on 6 years now and have gotten perspectives from multiple different therapists. I’m not perfect and I’m still learning and working on my unhealthy habits, there’s things I could have done better - and that’s okay. It doesn’t make me bad because I wasn’t perfect. Mistakes don’t make people bad just because it wasn’t ideal or perfect. You’re not inherently bad for reacting in toxic ways due to your childhood, either. Even if you guys read this and scoff and get defensive and put words in my mouth or misconstrue what I’m saying in order to support your Core Belief system that I must be the bad person who’s solely in the wrong, I still dont think you’re bad people deep down. Obviously you’d be not ready to give yourself a long hard look and work on yourselves if that WAS the case, but whether you do or don’t isnt my business, it’s your personal journey.

Yet you guys think I’m shitty. A shitty friend. That I’m defending a shitty person. That I’m making excuses for him - when understanding and helping him work through his shortcomings and mistakes and learn to be better isn’t making excuses or being shitty. Was I shitty because I dated my abuser after he raped me, because I thought if he was open to it I could help him unlearn some stuff? No. This is part of that devaluing process, one I’ve been sitting here for months knowing full well it’s happening, watching my ‘friends’ exclude me, leave me on read countless times (dude it’s a form of Silent Treatment, you realize that?), being left out, avoided, triangulated against, and vague posted about. I’ve cried so many more times over how you guys have been treating me under the guise of ‘love and care and friendship’ than anything Kyle has done to me. And anything he’s done to me was a one time mistakes he learned from, and immediately implemented ways to avoid it in the future; asking questions and looking things up and learning. A healthy response to mistakes. The sociopolitical stuff took time to identify what was holding him back from seeing and learning, and now he’s working through that. That’s effort and progress. We APPLAUD effort and growth, do we not? We ENCOURAGE learning and growing, do we not?

Anything I say and do now is being interpreted as wrong/bad. You guys are putting words in my mouth and assuming the worst from me instead of giving me any understanding or being like ‘I know she didn’t have bad intentions with how that was worded, so I must be interpreting it wrong’ - it’s literally triangulation and devaluation. Both toxic narcissistic habits. Alexa, you can stop vague posting about me. And Kyle. You’ve done it quite a bit, and have for a while. It’s so passive aggressive. You can confront me through text like an adult and be like ‘it feels like this, did you mean it that way’. I wasn’t expecting yall to sit down at the exact time I laid out to have a full in depth convo with me - I just needed to say what I was thinking and feeling, and let you guys know about when I would be sending you guys whatever I had to say, that way if you happened to be free or done with work and whatever you got going on, maybe you could set some time aside to read it, instead of days later. Because as “friends” I feel like my feelings should be important enough to try to get to my text within a reasonable timeframe, instead of leaving me hanging. That’s not feeling ‘entitled’ to your time dude. That felt like when I said I was free at this time and would be sending something, that you guys assumed I expected something from you guys at that time frame. Which wasn’t true. And, I didn’t make excuses for Kai’s actions, I understood where he is at in his growing process and why, and I’ve held him accountable for his shit and he’s working on it. Again, “Reasons imply that fault is sincerely recognized and accepted, that you take accountability for your actions. An excuse is used to justify, blame or defend a fault with the intent to absolve oneself of accountability.” One involves effort, the other doesn’t. How would you guys know what he has and hadn’t realized and accepted and started working on with me and my therapist? You guys have wanted zero to do with him, so he’s followed that wish and he’s doing his own inner work. You be posting all this stuff about being a better person when you’re being petty asf and passive aggressive, and he’s literally working to accept and take accountability for stuff and be better next time around. And acting like he’s that ‘devils advocate’ meme yall posted? Must be projecting that he’s that kind of person because he’s been similar in some ways to people who do that. You’re projecting those people on to him. He’s never once played devils advocate in our discussions, his goal has never been to frustrate anyone, he just didn’t get it. He thought being “just the way he was” was a good thing for people to be because it was a Core Belief of his, that sticking to whatever you think or feel no matter what was a good quality in people. He’s past that now, and he’s going to continue to be better. Petty of you to equate him to my mother and project that onto him, when you guys have been not super self aware of how toxic you’re being.

I’ve dealt with Mean-G!rl friends who go and make group chats without me, talk about me behind my back, vague post about me, don’t put much effort into hanging out or even replying, and don’t confront me to talk through things or just.. end the friendship. I think we all have dealt with that. What I haven’t had is a partner who treats me nicely, as a priority, puts effort into loving me the way I feel cared for, who isn’t perfect but he’s trying to be better, being open to seeing things from other views, changing his actions and thoughts so he can be a better more sympathetic and less insensitive person, looks things up and reads about stuff and starts conversations with his own self realizations and creates plans on how to be better or how he will implement the things we discuss, and then acts on it. No one is perfect and we all have flaws and toxic traits. I’m not ready to give up on the only person I’ve met who really does try to change things to be better despite not being entirely self aware of everything he needs to work on, I’m not ready to give up on someone’s ability to become a better person just like I wasn’t ready to give up on your guys ability to do so. Maybe one day my meter of shit I can take will be full and I’ll be done, but that’s my process within my healing and growth.

This was an important part from my therapist: What you think is right regarding boundaries might not be right for me, and that’s okay. You don’t need to try to convince me what I SHOULD be thinking or doing, because you’re not my therapist, you’re not me, you’re not perfect either. You definitely don’t need to be trying to convince me, or manipulate me, and then getting upset with me and devaluing me when I don’t adhere to your way or thinking. I was raised with that, and one of the biggest themes in my therapy journey is learning how NOT OKAY that is, how it’s toxic and ABUSIVE, and I need to form my own sense of what I want and can and can’t handle and set boundaries for me and my life. That’s my journey. You guys have been getting in the way of that.

Has he said some racist stuff from a place of ignorance? Yes. Has he previously been defensive and not open to hearing out others? Yes. Have I almost ended things over it? Yes. Did I discuss it with my therapist before making any decisions? Yes. Did he and I have multiple calm and collected discussions about it afterwards before I made any decisions, where progress was made? Yes. He gets it now and sees how he was wrong and insensitive. He gets how even if he didn’t mean it that way, that’s how it gets interpreted by literally everyone, and so it’s wrong and there’s better ways to communicate his utopian desire for ‘everyone getting along.’ He said ALM as his own view that he sees everyone just as important as the other and wants the world to be that way one day, not realizing that too many people use ALM to silence black people. Now he’s out telling his coworkers that All lives don’t matter until Black Lives Matter. People will evolve over time when someone takes the time to educate them. That’s the beauty of human nature. And that’s the one thing he did, he’s been pretty adamantly ACAB and talking about how corrupt and racist the government and police are since he and I started talking. When he makes a post about it is up to him, that’s part of his journey and growth, we can’t dictate when someone should be ready to do something.

Ezra you tried to say how ‘we we both grew up in conservative houses and we unlearned that stuff quick.’ Per my therapist: Great! We were lucky! We had resources and people to teach us when we were young and we understood the bigger picture! Not everyones journey will look like ours and that’s OKAY. It doesn’t make their journey or process less valid or wrong because it wasn’t just like ours. That was pretty close minded of you honestly.

You also mentioned how he’s a centrist, and that it’s basically right wing. Yeah, sure. It doesn’t mean his views might not change after being educated more, especially now that he’s open to it. You’ve called Cassi a centrist and talked about how annoying it is, yet I watched you not too long ago defend her in a comment and call her ‘one of your best friends.’ So her being a centrist or basically right wing doesn’t make her a bad person, or a shitty person, but it does him? What has he done besides hurt your feelings on accident and not apologize, and be a centrist? Being insensitive? People struggle with different things. Some people genuinely lack empathy from being on the spectrum that has them make mistakes, are they automatically shitty people for being insensitive? That makes your feelings toward Kyle being a bad person seem EXTREMELY personal, like you’re possibly holding a grudge. Which then only makes the manipulation and triangulation you’ve done in response so much worse.

I don’t want to hear about how his ALM comment and lack of understanding makes him a complete racist and that it now makes me a bad person for staying and trying to get through to him and educate him, from someone who stayed with an abuser who said the N word all the time. That seems like cognitive dissonance. I’m shitty, but you’re not? Right it’s Alexa who says it makes me shitty, so Ez isn’t shitty, but I am? Ez learned their lesson with P*t, but I’m not allowed to learn my own? It makes me shitty? Or he’s shitty for now learning his mistake and being open to learning more? Like, Matthew was on one of my posts a couple months ago saying some ignorant absolutely borderline racist shit, then started actually attacking one of my islander friends over a misunderstanding he had when we were trying to educate him on what he was talking about, and Samantha came on the comments defending him saying ‘he’s being dumb but he’s not racist I promise.’ But she and Matthew aren’t shitty people, right? Or are they, because Matthew was being shitty to my POC friend and calling him names, and Samantha “excused his shitty behavior”? Guys I’m at a loss here, and it really feels like nothing he says or does can be ‘right’ to you, and so now I’m turning into the target because I’m not agreeing with that.

I’m sorry he’s done something to hurt your feelings and he never made it right. That was between the two of you. You don’t know what I hold against him and what I don’t, and to what degree it’s damaged our relationship or not. My relationship is mine to sort out, it is ultimately up to me to work through whatever thoughts and feelings I have regarding it with my therapist and when I no longer can continue for whatever reasons I have, I will end it. My therapists have been adamant on not allowing myself to be swayed by your guys’ opinions on ‘you’re doing too much work’ ‘that sounds like a lot’ ‘I wouldn’t be able to do that.’ Their response has been: Great! You’re not me, and this wouldn’t be a relationship for you. That’s okay! I absolutely do not need to adhere to your idea of a healthy relationship for YOU, because I am not you, and that’s okay! This is ultimately my journey of healing and figuring out what’s right for me and where I draw my lines and boundaries. I’m still figuring that out - that’s okay. I will be figuring that out for years to come thanks to my childhood and ex abusers, but the way you guys kept trying to convince me is actually counter productive to my healing and serves as a way to put me back into someone else’s box that they built for me. You guys ended up trying to put me in a box you built for me. In my opinion, that’s shitty. My abusers did that to me. Why would you ever do that to someone?

It FEELS like you guys don’t even like me, and have just hung around to try to convince me Kyle is bad and I should leave him, which is so manipulative and means you guys have been.. really fake to me. Those times Alexa would inquire about him and seem interested in how things were going? Feels like you were trying to get info to take back to the group chat and talk shit about me. You’ve told me you love and care about me despite being passive aggressive, petty, vague posting your true feelings about me, and probaxmy saying bad stuff about me in private. That feels fake asf and super two faced. Honestly it makes me doubt the whole friendship, like you never even liked me and only put up with me because I was friends with Ez. That sucks. As much as I try not to label or say people are bad people... someone who takes my effort for friendship while secretly thinking I’m a shitty person for being understanding of someone and trying to get through to him, and then pretending they love and care for me to my face, isn’t exactly being a good person in the situation. Could I have brought this up and expressed my feelings and concerns at any time? Of course. But I think I was kind of scared to, like I could sense the devaluation going on.

Your adamant dislike of him is rooted in something pretty obviously personal from my point of view, which is fine, but your reactions to such have been toxic, hurtful, and harmful to me directly - your “friend.” Alexa chose a side, and engaged in the triangulation and the manipulation when she felt it was justified after he had done something to hurt Ezra, you’re defending Ezra and probably feel like this makes you a good friend/person. I get it, and a younger, less healed version of me would have done the same - but it’s genuinely unhealthy. All of this these past few months has been void of any understanding on your guys’ part for his own journey as a human on this planet, and even for MINE, all due to the fact you decided you didn’t like him and clung to any reason you had to label him as a Bad Person. You see that right? And like, you didn’t have to give him any more chances in your lives. He was cut out of yours. That’s fine. But now I’m guilty by association, because I gave him the chance to learn? What the fuck guys.

Excuses are giving reasons without putting effort into any change.

Explanations are giving reasons for what happened before the change.

Explaining and understanding someone’s psychology and what lead them to make mistakes is not making excuses, so long as the person is making changes. There’s a difference, one I had to learn in therapy. Kai is learning, growing, and changing his thoughts and views and he deserves a chance to do so even if it’s under scrutiny. We praise growth around here, I thought? But I’m a “shitty” person for doing so? I deserve the disrespect from you guys? The triangulation? The manipulation? The silent treatment? The devaluation? What the fuck is the excuse for your guys’ behavior? I’m thinking about it and getting hurt all over again. This isn’t an attack on you guys at any point, I’m just fucking distraught to be informed by my therapist that the people I thought loved me have been HARMING me.

Perhaps you think he’s had too many chances and you’re telling yourself you’re ‘looking out for me.’’ And that’s fine, neither of you are dating him. You’re not friends with him any longer, you haven’t been. There’s no reason for either of you to give him chances. My boundaries for relationships aren’t the same as yours either, and it’s not necessarily right or wrong; it’s a process. But this clearly isn’t about keeping me safe anymore, and I’m not convinced it ever really was. The hurtful, toxic things you’ve both done say otherwise about your concern for my well being and safety. And if you’re only concerned or care so long as I’m doing what you think is right/best, then your ‘love’ and ‘care’ is completely conditional. If you only value my friendship when I’m agreeing with you, then you only valued my validation. You guys told me I deserve better and shouldn’t settle for how Kyle is, but why do I deserve how my supposed friends have been behaving and treating me for months now?

A big part of my therapy journey is learning to see unhealthy and healthy people and put my effort into the right people. I’m so fuckin proud of that boy, and even if it doesn’t last I’m still going to be happy that he’s more self aware and can work on improving himself, he has had a lot of stuff he learned in childhood and his Core Beliefs that were unhealthy. Things make so much more sense to me now realizing that I didn’t choose a side, because subconsciously I knew it was toxic and that something wasn’t quite right. I think that shows a level of growth for me, even if I didn’t handle things perfectly, even if this essay is messy and full of emotion and paints me in a bad light for confronting you guys on the things you’ve been doing that have been hurting me.

Obviously, in my therapists opinion, and something that I’m realizing... you guys have been really toxic towards me in ways that make you currently not good friends for me. Once upon a time, yes, but it seems like you guys started to resent me somewhere down the road and never communicated that to me. This is all of what I’m aware of, that might explain WHY you guys have acted this way toward me, projecting and taking your stuff out on me. Again it’s genuinely not an attack, I’m not saying you’re bad people, I’m informing you guys that you’ve done some bad stuff I’m not sure you realized (worse if you did) and also communicating how you guys hurt me, and what seems to be the downfall of our friendship. I hope that you’ll see it and self reflect instead of trying to justify your actions, but that journey is yours and yours alone. Maybe you’re more comfortable triangulating and getting validation that you’re in the right, it serves to protect the person who did it. But the way you’ve both handled things has been really unhealthy in general, but especially for me and my growth. You could have just said months ago, ‘I don’t feel comfortable being friends with someone who won’t pick sides, or continues to try to give chances to someone I think is a Bad Person,’ and left it at that. Sucky, it would have hurt, still a little toxic regardless, but you’re allowed to set boundaries for your life and they’re ALWAYS valid. You didn’t do that. You didn’t confront anyone about anything, just tried to sprinkle in your opinion of him and what you think I should do whenever you got the chance. Maybe because you wanted to get through to me and convince me to end things with the Bad Person so maybe we could continue our friendship, or maybe so yall would get the satisfaction of being rid of him completely, or being Right, but since I haven’t now I’m turning into target that you talk about and hold resentment towards. Manipulation. Triangulation. Devaluing stage. Discarding process. Instead of bringing up your issues with me, to me. You guys understand how shitty that is, right?

A shitty, toxic environment I brushed off and dissociated from and tried to not let it effect my love and care for you guys, hoping you would understand that the place I’m coming from is one I have worked SO HARD through therapy to get to, and that setting boundaries with you guys and with Kyle was a healthy step in my healing and learning process, and that you don’t know better for me or my relationship than my therapists. That I need to explore for myself what I’m willing to put up with and live with or put effort into working on to find my personal happy, because all relationships are work, even friendships. A shitty toxic environment that has turned into resentment on your guys’ parts, and now started brewing in me over how you guys have treated me. A shitty toxic environment that could have been avoided in soo many ways, by literally any of us communicating properly. A shitty toxic environment that I don’t want to be a part of.

I love you both with all my heart. I will always be rooting for you and your success, and I’ll always be here to genuinely help you with whatever if you need it, not to try to get some tea and push a narrative on you. You did things that hurt me but it doesn’t mean I think less of you or that you’re overall bad or toxic people with terrible motives, you just happen to have toxic traits that came out when you felt hurt and wronged. Alexa, I hope you continue to enjoy therapy and I believe so much in your growth and I know one day you’ll be past the trauma. You’ve got this. Ezra, if it’s still something you want, I hope u can one day find an inclusive therapist that will be covered by your insurance. I hope you guys have wonderful fulfilling careers and relationships. I believe in you guys so much. I really hope Levi continues to be amazing and gives Ez all the love they deserve and that finally they have something healthy and rewarding, I hope the VA helps him and he can get a lot out of therapy and his anxiety gets better so he can live freely. I want you guys to be healthy and happy in your lives.

Please understand this friendship isn’t ending because of Kyle - he is entirely separate from my relationships with the two of you - it’s ending because my therapist opened my eyes to extremely harmful behaviors and how somewhere down the road the negative thoughts and devaluation got to the point that you both started being shitty towards me. It seems you guys haven’t wanted to be friends for a while, and it sucks you drug it out instead of just communicating that. Honestly even if you guys did acknowledge what you have been doing to me this whole time and apologized for it, I feel like you don’t even like me enough anymore to work on the friendship and communicate ways I could be better for you guys too, and you’re more comfortable surrounding yourself with people who don’t challenge your Core Beliefs. It was silly of me to hope you wouldn’t do all this to me, but here we are. Friends come and go. It’s the bittersweet part of life that I’ve worked for years to accept without hard feelings.

I’m genuinely sorry for any hurt I’ve caused you guys, know that it was never ever intentional. I’m sorry for anything I’ve done that had felt like I’m not being a good friend, or to make you think I deserved the way you guys think or talk about me. I tried setting boundaries and being understanding, thats all I felt like I could do, but I see where I could have been better in some areas. Life is about learning and growing, so I’ll take this as a way to be better in my future friendships too.

If you actually read all of it and tried to understand where I’m coming from, I do appreciate it.

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maryisis · 5 years ago

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A “coming out” post...

I am choosing to participate in a global “coming out” movement called “Thank you Plant Medicine”(TYPM)- (from the website: This movement was born as a response to the stigma in society about the use of psychoactive plants and therapy-assisted psychedelics.We dream of a world where these substances are free from stigma and discrimination, for personal and collective healing.We are organizing a global wave of gratitude for February 20, 2020, calling on people to “come out” with their stories of healing and transformation on that day, using the hashtag #ThankYouPlantMedicine. www.thankyouplantmedicine.com

I would first like to preface by saying that the use of psychoactive/consciousness altering plants or fungi is NOT for everyone and by sharing my perspective I mean in no way to persuade or promote it. Okay? Okay.

At the young and seemingly fearless age of fourteen I learned through reading some books and magazines about how a person could consume specific kinds of mushrooms and totally alter and explore their consciousness, and perhaps other dimensions of reality (this was before internet use was widespread). I was utterly fascinated and being the curious and hungry-for-the-meaning-of-life young teen that I was I decided to seek out these magical fungi. It didn’t take me long to find them, with the help of a more experienced person who knew how to find them in the cow pasture.....(Panaeolus cyanescens). I had only read about effects from various books and articles but I really was not prepared at all for what I was about to experience. After consuming who knows how many mushrooms (not very smart...) about 20 minutes later I began to feel my senses becoming highly elevated and intensified. The intensity only grew stronger and stronger, to the point of becoming totally overwhelming with surging feelings and emotions and then also altered perception to the point of only being able to see vibrant pulsating rainbow dripping rootlike formations filling my vision. I had no idea how to navigate this unknown realm of feeling and perception, yet I rode it out meeting the experience with utter awe. Then, I started to feel some background trepidation at how I was supposed to return home in such a state, with it being a school night and all...long story short I made it home safely with my tripper “boyfriend” at the time and he informed my parents what we had done, much to their dismay at seeing their daughter in such a state. I somehow floated up to my room where I spent the remainder of the experience laying in a bed that I felt I was continuously sinking into, watching the trees dance outside my window. I had deep insights that night into the personal truth of my being and regard the experience as a sort of “rite of passage” out of my childhood self. That was 25 years ago. Now in retrospect- had I known how the brain develops, I probably would not have done such a thing...I think there’s something to be said for the importance of having your brain fully developed before altering the brain chemistry ...yet I’m pretty sure I ended up alright and I can’t say I regret any of my use of mind altering substances (ok-except maybe a couple of times....lol). As I said before- I was a very curious soul, and it didn’t take me long to realize that the “Just Say No” propaganda campaign that I grew up with was more than just a war on drugs- it was a war on consciousness. How we got to this point of “mind control” is something to ponder.

My relationship with psychedelic plants/fungi has changed a lot over the years and I would say that the major shift happened about 19 years ago when I participated in my first plant medicine ceremony. Finally- I got a taste of what my soul has been thirsting for- Ceremony and experiencing the sacred and divine aspects of existence. Rewind-I lived most of my life in a community and area where Cannabis was freely and frequently used recreationally. I also began using cannabis in my teens- in a non-intentional way- not to say that I didn’t have meaningful experiences in that non-intentional context- However I have learned that intention, ritual and/or ceremony can greatly enhance the benefit in the communing with these “entheogens”- a term I like to use which translates literally as “becoming god within.” When I realized the extent as to which the society in I lived tries to govern our lives- to the point of having laws that make NATURE ILLEGAL- I felt very passionate about RECLAIMING MY BASIC HUMAN RIGHT- to explore my consciousness. When I saw peaceful and kind people I knew facing jail time and/or having their houses taken away because of growing cannabis, it deeply disturbed me. And so my motivation in “coming out” comes from this place within, that believes that it is morally WRONG that plants and fungi that have awesome potential healing value are illegal. Anyone who does their studies of scientific research as well as historical/cultural studies will learn how much value the plant of Cannabis, for example, has for healing. The endo-cannabinoid system of the human body is proof that humans have evolved, in close relationship with this plant. And of course HEMP, which is the non-psychoactive cannabis species has a plethora of amazing uses which would greatly help our society and environment if it were more widely embraced and cultivated.

Thankfully “the times are a changin!’” More and more studies are being allowed and funded, the laws of the land are starting to change in many places and more and more people are beginning to learn about and honor the deep inherent value of these natural plant medicines. These are exciting times and yet we still have a long way to go! And it is my perspective that we need these plant medicines now more than ever so as to help with the healing of humanity on a spiritual level- to awaken us out of the materialist mindset trance of scarcity, unworthiness, fear and disconnection from nature. The fascinating scientific studies are showing us how the chemicals in these plants and fungi work on the brain, in beneficial ways to help people heal with ailments such as depression, PTSD and anxiety. The healing potential of these plants and fungi have been known for thousands of years to various indigenous cultures, who have kept such wisdom alive throughout the millennia through their initiated healer lineages. It is very important to honor the traditions and lineages from which the traditional ceremonial use of these plant medicines originate from because it is these people that have the deeply developed relationship with these plants and understand them in intimate ways which most western psyche’s do not and I dare say cannot (unless immersed in the studies and apprenticing with these traditional plant medicine healers.) And so while these are hopeful times with potential healing that these plant medicines present our deeply troubled and sick society, we must be mindful that our own egoistic tendencies don’t get the best of us. I have been working with powerful plant medicines for over 20 years now and I am still most definitely a humble student on the path of healing...still learning the delicate process of surrender to the inexplicable healing powers of these plant teachers and the wisdom teachings and deeply meaningful insights they bestow.

Personally, most meaningful and valuable to my own life, of which I have received from my relationship with plant medicine teachers, namely Ayahuasca and Psilocybin mushrooms, has been my feeling of CONNECTION- Connection to Nature, to Spirit, to everything! In my expanded states I can see clearly how my thoughts and actions affect those around me and the whole. In working with these plants/fungi I naturally gravitated towards living a more healthier lifestyle- being careful of what I choose to consume physically or mentally. Unhealthy habits steadily and easily fell away. A significant healing aspect of these plant medicines is how they have the capacity to disrupt our conditioned thought patterning- which is a very good thing because much of our behavior and thought processes are governed by our habitual patterning- which keeps us very limited in our perception and what we are capable of experiencing. This can lead in turn to depression, addiction, frustration, and other mental and physical ailments. As we are learning with the exciting field of neuroscience, our thoughts, emotions and perceptions are closely linked and work in a cyclical way. This leads me to honor the ways that these plants have helped me to develop my visionary abilities. One of the most powerful visionary perceptions I have had to date through Grandmother medicine was the experience of perceiving the ALL, underlying state of UNITY- it was an ineffable experience- impossible to put into words- but made a very deep impression on my life and perception of reality. I felt completely liberated from all fear and filled with AWE, totally absorbed in the interconnected matrix of all creation. One more thing. Being a singer and musician- it has been a profound gift and one of my greatest joys to sing my prayers and songs while in communion with plant medicine, in ceremony. I am so deeply grateful for all the plant teachers in my life- they are so dear to my heart and my relationship with each continues to evolve in mysterious and miraculous ways. Deep bows of reverence and respect.

One of the main ways I have integrated the visions and insights that I have received from these plants/fungi is through music. I have always been a musical person, since before I could even talk I was already singing. In my life today, Music is a central aspect and purpose of my incarnation. I feel inspired to add here that the wisdom of the Yogic path has also played an equally important role in my evolution- I was introduced to the path of Yoga also at 14, which has helped me immensely on my journey with its ancient and very relevant wisdom teachings of self realization. I have also always had an interest in the healing plants and started studying herbal healing in depth in my late teens. I have many healing plant allies that I work with on a daily basis.

Above photo with a Chacruna plant, the pair to the Ayahuasca vine, which contains DMT- the potent visionary molecule, belonging to the “Tryptamines,” indolealkylamine molecules, which evoke release of Seratonin and Dopamine. DMT is present naturally in the human body, especially in the gut. But only when paired with a MAOI (Monoamine oxidase inhibitor), which is found in Ayahuasca vine, can this molecule actually have its effects. The MAOI that are in the vine are classified as Beta-carbolines. These very special molecules are Harmine and Harmaline. Below is a photo of Ayahuasca vine Banisteriopsis caapi. Interestingly, when the molecule of harmine was first discovered in the vine, it was called “telepathine,” because “of the reported effects of Ayahuasca among the indigenous users, including: collective contact with and/or visions of jaguars, snakes, and jeweled birds, and ancestral spirits; the ability to see future events; and as the name suggests, telepathic communication among tribal members.”(from wikipedia)

Harmine can also be found in Syrian Rue seeds (Peganum harmala) as well as in Passionflower leaf (much lower amounts.) My experiences with Syrian Rue seed (extract) have been very significant actually, while it isn’t really psychedelic all on its own, I highly value the medicine that it is for calming the mind, increasing serotonin and inducing flow states of consciousness. It also creates energetic sensitivity and increased psychic(”telepathine”) ability. It ALSO is a powerful anti-parasitic- amazingly and much to my shock it rid my body of parasites! Thankfully it is NOT ILLEGAL(except in Australia where its controlled). The studies on Harmine and Harmaline are very promising and are shown to have significant healing properties, such as anti-inflammatory and anti-cancer actions. I’m very enthusiastic for the healing potential of Syrian Rue and Ayahuasca vine!

One last thing before I close this share and it has to do with integrity and sustainability. The way I see it is that these plants are coming into prominence in our society right now because they are very much needed for our healing. We are facing various levels of existential crises, and I see these medicines acting like the white blood cells of this earth, to help us humans heal our sickness and reconnect to our sense of purpose and belonging to this world (not the world belonging to us, for our use/abuse). However, we cannot continue to take and take without giving back- that sort of behavior is how we’ve gotten ourselves into this imbalance within ourselves and the planet. It is my prayer and vision that those who are called to plant medicine path, do so with the intention of healing themselves so that they may be of service to the healing of the WHOLE. (There’s a lot more that could be said here about safety, the ceremonial container and the facilitator/shaman/medicine healer that creates the ceremonial container.I would recommend this article for this specific topic). Each person has their own unique calling and purpose in which they can serve the whole and that is for each soul to discover within. We start by healing ourselves...that is the key- because our individual healing ripples out. The healing light and love that we cultivate within shines out to inspire and awaken light and love in others. Our own inner harmony will reflect to the outer world. When we live our lives from a balanced place of “right relationship” and reciprocity, as a result we cultivate more integrity and mutual respect. We must integrate the wisdom we gain into daily practices that anchor more loving kindness and compassion because that is what is needed on this planet.

Thanks for reading!!

#thankyouplantmedicine #plantmedicine #healingplants #visionaryplants #decriminalizenature

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darkwinterchild · 7 years ago

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Malcolm, Moira, Thea and anger

Note: This post came about because I stumbled upon a cool gifset whose conclusion was that Thea’s rage was the one thing she took from her father (as opposed to her mother). Someone added tags about how Moira’s rage was actually so much more powerful, and Malcolm’s was small and insignificant just like himself. That’s so drastically opposite to my own interpretation that I just had to write something about it. I didn’t want to hijack someone else’s meta though (particularly tag meta), so I figured I’d just make a new post. Particularly since I have a lot of thoughts on the matter. Malcolm and Moira were my first favs in Arrow and I loved all of their interactions together.

So, long, in-depth analysis of Malcolm, Moira and Thea and their relationship with anger under the cut, one by one. I just don’t do short.

Malcolm

First off, I truly think there is nothing small about Malcolm’s rage. Not its origin, not its intensity, not its duration, not its results, not anything.

The cruelty of the men who shot and killed Rebecca Merlyn for nothing (“I told them to take everything”), the indifference of the people who walked by and ignored her cries for help, who let her bleed out and die on the street as if she didn’t matter (as if she wasn’t there for them in the first place, as if she hadn’t made it her life’s mission to help them and save them with her free clinic) - these are more than legitimate causes of anger. You know what else isn’t small? His anger at himself and his own failure to protect or help her, his regrets for that stupid momentary feeling of exasperation that made him shut his phone off that night (such dreadful consequences for such a small act of negligence that married couples do to each other all the time - that people in general do to loved ones all the time). His shame and rage for his motherless son. The whole thing is just a huge tragedy.

(And I just don’t think this rage should be called selfish.)

Malcolm harbored these feelings for 20 long years. They compelled him to give himself up to Ra’s Al Ghul to be tortured and brainwashed into something else, because he felt it could give him a measure of control and power back over his life. He let them fester inside of him for 12 years after his return from the League before he decided to act on them by starting the Undertaking. 12 years of desperate search for some form of redemption, for peace. 12 years during which he strived to honor Rebecca’s legacy the way she would have wanted, to save the city with charity and when it was no longer enough, by blackmailing the rich and corrupt. 12 years of frustration because you can’t win a war against crime. 12 years is the time it took him to convince himself that some people can’t be saved, are better off dead (because he is that kind of person: arrogant and unforgiving, justice without empathy or understanding).

Two decades after Rebecca’s death, his rage was still as intense as ever, if not more. It consumed his being to the point her death became the only thing that mattered - more than her life, even. An obsession that eclipsed everything else. He let it destroy his relationship with his son, let it destroy their family. He listened to that recording of her dying over and over until it drove him mad (until her tears and suffering were engraved at the forefront in his mind like words on stone - “No one would come”). He murdered Robert, his best friend in life, along with Robert’s son (Tommy’s best friend), because at this point he was no longer capable of truly caring. He murdered countless others. He blackmailed Moira into doing his bidding with the life of her daughter, a woman he used to have feelings for (whether they were purely platonic or more). He destroyed every relationship he had, spent countless hours planning his Undertaking, gave away huge amounts of money, all of this for years, and for what? Nothing. He risked everything, in the end lost everything, and he had absolutely nothing to gain from all of this, only a pointless, false satisfaction, the illusion of revenge. (The murder of a thousand innocents to pay for the murder of one? It’s a senseless spiral of violence and he was too far gone, down into the abyss, to see the irony.)

Malcolm Merlyn’s rage basically killed him, made him kill his city, and there is absolutely nothing “small” about that. Robert’s death wasn’t small, Moira and Thea’s sufferings weren’t small, Oliver’s 5 years in hell weren’t small, Walter’s kidnapping wasn’t small, the Unidac massacre wasn’t small, 503 people isn’t small.

(“insignificant” just isn’t a good word here.)

You can’t even say that his wrath was an illusion with the intent of making himself seem bigger, because he actually kept it carefully hidden and controlled. To the world, he showed the face of an affable businessman, and whenever his anger would show behind the mask, he’d use his own sorrow to disguise or dismiss it:

Malcolm [smiling]: My wife would have liked you, Laurel. Laurel: I’m only sorry I never got to meet her. She passed away before Tommy and I became friend. Malcolm [bitterly]: She was killed, Laurel. There is no need to be ‘polite’ about it. Tommy: You’re just a ray of sunshine today, aren’t you, Dad? Malcolm [smiling again]: Please forgive me, talking about my wife has a tendency to make me a bit maudlin.

“A bit maudlin”. He didn’t want people to know how truly enraged he still was about what happened. It’s actually an interesting dynamic: inside, he was using his anger to drown out his grief; outside, he was using his grief to conceal his anger. We only really saw glimpses of it (like the way his voice almost broke during his speech in Dead to Rights), up until it burst out during his conversation with Tommy in Sacrifice (“They deserve to die! All of them! The way she died!”). I don’t think he even wanted to admit it to himself. Instead, he presented his Undertaking as the only logical solution to an underlying societal problem. “I like to think that if the man who murdered her knew her, knew the work that she did, he would have helped her to her car, made sure she was safe, instead of taking her purse, and shouting her.” -- this is the man Malcolm wanted the world to see him as. Forgiving, hopeful. Someone who still believes in humanity, someone who sees the best in people just like Rebecca did. Because deep down he knew this is who he should be or strive to be. Mr Humanitarian of the Year. And it was all a lie.

I think people have a tendency to glamorize anger, because anger can be good and it can be beautiful. After all, anger is what motivates us to fight against injustice. So when we don’t like it in someone we want to make it less. But I think that’s hiding the fact that it has an ugly, dangerous, self-destructive side, that even righteous anger can become wrong when taken to the extreme, left unchecked. The whole problem of Malcolm’s rage isn’t that it was illegitimate. He had every right to be angry. It’s that it was wildly, terribly disproportionate. Monstrous.

Moira

All of this is in sharp contrast with Moira Queen. If Malcolm’s flaw was that he was too angry (let his anger turn him into a monster), Moira’s was that she wasn’t angry enough.

Moira is earth where Malcolm is fire (and together they are lava, a freaking volcano - a natural disaster about to erupt). Less aggressive and powerful, but more stable and enduring. Fully controlled instead of just focused. Like the earthbenders from Avatar, her stance is neutral jing: listening and waiting for the right opportunity. Fighting for preservation instead of fighting for change. Prudent in everything she does.

She stood by her husband through all the lying and the cheating. Robert cheated on her right after his best friend lost his wife (who was probably also their friend - that’s just highly distasteful). Years later, he cheated on her with a woman barely older than their son and called her his “soulmate” (that’s even more distasteful). Moira dealt with all of it and never let it affect their family - so much so their children never had any idea their father was unfaithful. She remained steady as his partner, still loved him despite everything, still supported him whenever he was worried or anxious - even if she didn’t trust him (“Robert, if this is what I think it is, I don't want to know her name--”). She endured.

Unlike Malcolm, losing her husband and son didn’t cause her to run or gun for revenge, instead she retreated into herself (“When you and Dad disappeared, she spent more and more time at home. Eventually stopped going out altogether.”). She had the exact same reaction after losing Walter. Both times, she put herself back together and pushed through life, solid for her family.

She searched for the Queen’s Gambit for two years after it sank, looking for proof, for surety, before blaming Malcolm. She salvaged the remains and kept them secure to potentially use as leverage at a later date, and never once brought up the fact she knew he murdered her husband and son to Malcolm before the start of the show. For years, she played the good soldier. She let him believe they could still be friends, that she believed in his cause (“And I think I speak for everyone here when I say we're all with you, Malcolm.” and “Moira, you may be surprised to know that I sometimes waver in my convictions. But your friendship, your endless support, always gives me the strength to carry on.”). Moira was never rash, she was always cautious and calculated. There may have been a terrible rage lurking under the surface, but we can only guess based on context - she never truly showed it, certainly never let it dictate her actions. Horror, guilt and sorrow - yes; but not anger. Hell, Malcolm tried to murder Oliver at his party in her own home, the son she’d just got back after five years of believing he was dead (that Malcolm had murdered him along with his father), and her only reaction was to make sure he understood she wouldn’t stand for yet another attempt on her family. Pretty cool under the circumstances. Later, she even made the choice to let Malcolm kidnap her second husband (actually even asked him to do it), rather than opt to fight him together.

Malcolm Merlyn was very much a “high risks, high reward” kind of person. Not Moira. She didn’t like taking risks, playing the game of thrones. She prepared some cards (the Gambit, Grizzled Man), but never attempted anything against him until she was backed into a corner (after the Hood attacked her and she realized she was now caught between two psychopaths). After her carefully planned assassination attempt didn’t pan out, her next move was to cut her losses and retreat, make sure her family was still safe no matter what (and if it meant throwing her good friend Frank and his family under the bus… well she wasn’t their mother, was she?). Moira could be so pretty damn ruthless: having her son kidnapped and tortured as soon as he got back home from 5 years of hell (imagine the trauma if Oliver wasn’t what he was - and Moira sure knew how much pain he already had to deal with: “20% of his body is covered in scar tissue”); having her husband kidnapped right after telling him he was her salvation; planning the murder of one of her oldest friend, him and his guards and the servants and whoever else was on the way, waiting for it to happen right after agreeing to a dinner-date with him; sacrificing another one of her old friends for something she made him do against his own better judgement (after he went out on a limb for her!); being ready to kill thousands of people for her and her family’s safety; etc. But unlike Malcolm her ruthlessness was never rooted in rage, it was always about fear and survival - she did whatever she needed to do for her family.

And I think that’s important in terms of Moira and anger - she should have been angrier. She should have lashed out, fought back, taken risks. Anything but accepted, even for a second, that leveling 24 square blocks and getting away with it was an tolerable end. Anything but surrendered before having tried her damn hardest to get out. Before Oliver pushed her to turn on Malcolm at the last minute, she wasn’t just going to let him murder thousands of people, she actively helped him do it. She bullied people (her friends) into serving his vision, threatened some of them, and it was her company that built the earthquake device at the end of the day. I think sometimes the fandom forgets that - she was a mass-murderer too. Not the architect of the Undertaking, but the second most important conspirator. Her confession at the end of the first season does redeem her a little, but 503 people still paid the price of her selfishness with their lives - not counting the suffering of the numerous survivors: the physical and mental scars, the permanently disabled, the pain of those who lost their loved ones, the struggle of rebuilding a broken community in the poorest part of town. Her belief that her and her family were more important than all of them Glades inhabitants put together, that they weren’t worth protecting, that she could afford to sacrifice them - it caused that. Moira had a right to be afraid; Malcolm had a right to be angry - neither of them had a right to kill.

(And nope I’m not equating what they did, Malcolm is still a hundred times worse.)

Sebastian Blood once asked Moira: “During your trial your portrayed yourself as a fragile creature living under Malcolm Merlyn’s thumb. So which is it? The woman strong enough to lead the city? Or the one too weak-willed to save it?”. The answer is both. Moira had the strength of a mountain, but I meant what I said about anger having a positive side. At the very least, it means that you have an incentive to fight for the wronged. There is something terrible about Moira’s dismissal of the lives that would be lost (that were lost) - “I’m not their mother”, she said.

So, yeah, at the end of the day, Moira was better than Malcolm. She never let her sadness and grief turn into cruelty. Her priority was always to protect the loved ones she had instead of lashing out for the ones she lost. She never let her pain skew her perspective, never forgot how to love. For her children, that was enough. For so many others, it wasn’t.

Thea

So, we have these two terrible disasters - and they made a baby together (volcanic islands are very fertile, they say). Thea, who at four year old brought home a stray cat who horrified her mother (“it was filthy, and it was mean”) and decided it was going to be family; Thea, who fell in love with the delinquent boy who stole her purse; Thea who’d never think of the poor and homeless as any less important than she is, who has a greater capacity for empathy than both her parents put together (heck, maybe even her whole family put together).

(“Thea was always so kind. The kindest person I’ve ever known.”)

Thea has her father’s anger. Sometimes it can be self-destructive, like when she jumped into a car high on Vertigo because she thought her mother was having an affair with Mr. Merlyn (off by a few years), or when she was ready to go to prison just to punish her. It can make her disagreeable, like all the times she lashed out at Oliver after his return from the island for being distant and a liar, or at her mother for being negligent. It can make her hard, like when she categorically refused to visit her mother in prison for months. It can compel her to make some very bad decisions, like letting their family lose their fortune or leaving with Malcolm Merlyn at the end of season 2.

But her anger means that she cares. A lot of people didn’t like Thea in season 1, and maybe she was wrong to be so hard on Oliver or Moira or Roy, but it was because she loved them and more often than not wanted to help them (and it wasn’t such a bad thing to ask them to care about her too from time to time):

Moira: Please, don't presume to think that you know what I'm going through. Thea: I do know. I lost Dad too. I'm worried about Walter too. But I don't get to worry about him, because I'm busy worrying about you. Moira: I never asked you to do that. Thea: Right. Because you don't ask me to do anything anymore. You don't ask me to do my homework or to be home at a decent hour. I mean, you basically stopped being my parent. Moira: Well, how's this? Don't talk to your mother like that. Thea: Maybe you should start acting like my mother. So I don't have to act like yours.

Thea cares about her family so much, blood family and found family, and that makes it so much more difficult every time they betray her, or die, again and again. And as she grows up, we see her lose a lot of her immaturity: Thea inherited Malcolm’s rage, but also her mother’s grace. Despite all the pain she went through, she hasn’t let that anger destroy her like it destroyed her father. When it was amplified by magical factors, she fought against her bloodlust until it was killing her. When she realized it was getting out of hand (when she almost killed a little girl to stop her father - that’s the most like Malcolm she’s ever been), she made the choice to step away from her vigilante life no matter how much she loved it. And she has a huge capacity for empathy and forgiveness: she forgave Oliver once she understood why he was being distant, she forgave Roy for pushing her away every time he did, she forgave her mother for neglecting her after Robert’s death, she forgave her for committing mass-murder once she realized how scared she must have been, she was even ready to forgive Malcolm (“You protected me, risked your life for me. Just like my mother did.”).

She has enough anger in her to be passionate about things, to care that a wrong is being committed - to stand up for the innocents. It means she will never just passively accept an atrocity (mass murder), let alone participate in said atrocity like her mother did. Thea will always choose to fight. How many times has she risked her life for strangers since she became Speedy? At the same time, she has enough love and restrain not to let that anger devour her.

Ultimately, the woman she’s growing into can be the best of both world. Despite all her fears that she is doomed to become her parents, Thea will never be Malcolm, and she will never be Moira. She is, has always been, and will always be better than the both of them.

#thea queen #moira queen #malcolm merlyn #arrow #mp #my commentary #precious summer child and her trashy parents #is it me or does willa really look like thompson and barrowman's love child?#the queens #the merlyns

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