#but I guess I do feel in my heart of hearts that I am missing some of the magic of last year
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IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE! — GOJO SATORU
SYNOPSIS...you and gojo get into a fight after realizing that he’s been hiding something about your relationship the entire time
INFO...gojo x fem!reader, angsty, arguing, breaking up(?), not proofread
OTHER...likes and reblogs are appreciated
You slam the door to the penthouse, your heels clicking against the mahogany floors with each step. You toss your purse on the couch, hearing Gojo opening the front door and shutting it quickly. “Baby, please just listen to me.” He pleads, following after you.
“I don’t wanna hear your bullshit excuse, Satoru.” You roll your eyes, plopping down on the edge of the bed to relieve your sore feet of the heels you’ve been wearing all night to your boyfriends opening event he’s been planning for months now.
“I’m not trying to make excuses. Please.” He walks over towards you and toss your heel at him. “Stop throwing shit and just talk to me!”
“You don’t get to tell me what to do!” You stand to your feet, glaring daggers at him. “Do you know how embarrassing that was for me? God, you’re a fucking asshole.” You seethe, narrowing your eyes. “I sat there all alone, while you let some woman feel up on you the entire night? Are you out your fucking mind?” You scoff.
“She’s just an old friend, y/n. I swear I didn’t mean to make you feel that way.” He shakes his head at you, grabbing onto your arms tightly.
“Oh, yeah? So I when I came up and introduced myself as your girlfriend none of your friends were looking at me like I was crazy? I know we’ve been only together for a year, Satoru, but that’s fucking low.” You pull away from him. “They didn’t even know who I was. Then you got miss prissy bitch clearly flirting with you in front of me and you didn’t do a damn thing to stop it!” You brush past him, stomping over towards the bathroom.
“Slow down, y/n! Baby—”
“I’m not your fucking ‘baby’, Satoru.” You gather all of your products from the bathroom, from your makeup and skincare to your clothes and shampoo.
“Stop for just one second.” He spins you around so you’re facing him. “Don’t leave. I swear you’re the only girl for me. I know I fucked up, I know I did. I embarrassed you, made you look stupid and I am so fucking sorry. But please do not leave.” He cups your face gently and his touch feels so inviting, but you can’t forgive him that easily. “I only want you. I only need you.”
You look up at him through your lashes, swallowing thickly as you bite the inside of your cheek. “Should’ve thought about that when you let her kiss your cheek and you smiled at her. Right in front of me. Get the fuck off of me.” You push him, rushing to grab your bag from the closet.
Gojo lets out a tired sigh, following you. He wasn’t going to let you go. Not like this. “I shouldn’t have let her near me.”
“Why was she so comfortable with being that close to you, huh?” You question, furrowing your brows as you turn to look at him. “Now that I think about it. Let me guess, you two were more than just friends.” You stand to your feet, snatching your clothes off the hangers and shoving them into your bag. He looks at you, opening his mouth to speak but nothing comes out. And from the look in his eyes, you already knew the truth. A bitter laugh leaves your lips, shaking your head in disappointment.
“It was before you! Before us! We never dated it was just a small thing between me and her!” He tried to explain. “Baby, I swear! Once I met you, everything changed. I cut her off and focused all my attention on you. You’re the only who has my heart.” He grabbed your wrist only for you to pull away.
“Clearly I ain’t the only who who’s got your dick, though.” You slam the closet door shut, turning your back towards him.
“Don’t say that, y/n. That’s the first time I’ve seen her in years!”
“Yeah? Well are your friends sure know about her. She must’ve been great in bed, Satoru. Me? Well, they looked at me like I was a fucking ghost!” You scoff. “Like I was some delusional bitch who came up to you and said I was your girlfriend!” You throw your hands up in disbelief. “You must take me for fucking joke. It must be written on my forehead or something!”
“I don’t take you for a joke! You’re goddamn girlfriend. You live with me. You have my initial around your fucking neck! I love you and you know that!” He takes a step towards you.
“Do I know that?” You ask aloud, cocking your head to the side.
“What—of course I love you. What the fuck are you saying?” He looked at you with pure confusion.
“You’re a joke. One of your friends, Shoko, pulled me aside and told me the only reason you got with me is because your little fling ended up getting a boyfriend herself around the time we started dating. You’re a piece of shit.” You revealed the truth to him, watching him stare at you blankly, lost for words. “Think I wouldn’t find out?” You ripped off the necklace with his initial, tossing it at him.
“Yes, I was upset that she got a boyfriend but—”
“So you had feelings for her. And just to cover them up, you got with me as a distraction.” You step closer towards him. “Listen to me, Satoru, don’t ever try and contact me again, keep whatever fucking gifts you bought me and return them, sell them, do whatever because I am done,” you spoke through gritted teeth.
“No, no, no, baby. You can’t leave me. Yea I liked her before, but so fucking what? I was never in love with her, not like I am with you. I was too fucking stupid. I still am! Just give me another chance to fix this. I don’t want us to end this way.” He grabs your packed bag from your hands and tosses it on the bed.
“Let me go, Satoru.”
“No,” he shakes his head, “I can’t. You’re everything to me. She’s nothing compared to you.” He sniffles, holding your hands in his. “I love you so much and I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you the truth. I’m sorry I embarrassed you. And I’m sorry for entertaining the idea that she could even come close to you. She can’t.” His hands cupped your face, his heart pounding in anticipation as he waited to hear any words from you.
You reached up, pulling his hands away from your face. “Bye, Satoru.” You walked past him, grabbing your bag off of the bed. As much as it hurt to leave, you knew you had to respect yourself. Time and space was what you needed to think. With each step out the door, you could hear Gojo’s sobs, something you’ve never heard before in the year you’ve been with him. For the strong, flashily and confident man he is, you never once thought you’d see or him break down. Especially not for you.
#—☆classyrbf#jjk#jjk x reader#jujustu kaisen#gojo x reader#jjk angst#jjk x reader angst#gojo x reader angst#gojo angst#gojo satoru x reader#gojo satoru x reader angst#gojo satoru angst#jjk angst oneshot#gojo angst oneshot#gojo x you#gojo satoru x you#gojo x y/n#gojo satoru x y/n
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Ramen & Rain
Katsuki Bakugo x gn Reader
Ramen Date
just a weird fluff Bakugo fic mostly written at 3am. not quite the direction it was intended to go but it still ends ish as planned. mentions of angst, turns into fluff.
“Sorry for your breakup,” you say to the messy haired blonde seated next to you at the hero rankings after-party, “are you doing okay?”
“Huh?” he grumbled before remembering the bullshit his PR team spun earlier that week.
“Oh, that.” He sits uncomfortably, staring down the tablecloth at the tiny high top the two of you were perched at. “Um, that was fake.”
“Wait, really?”
“Yeah, my PR team thinks it’ll humanize me to date likable people so they have me take models and whatever on dates.” He pauses, considering if he’d like to tell you the next part, “and a few times they also did this when I was photographed with one night stands. I guess that’s not so likable either or something,” he mumbles down at his lap.
Your thoughts flash back to every headline you’d read about pro-hero Dynamite’s intriguing love life. Much to his team’s credit, you did fall for it.
“So, you haven’t actually dated any of those girls in the pictures?”
“Nope,” his finishes his drink, hoping the glass blocked at least some of his blushing face.
“Have you dated anyone?”
“Have you?” he retorts, barely able to make eye contact.
Please say no, he hopes.
He tried to ask you out once, in your second year of high school together. But he was going through some things. And you are you. He couldn’t imagine you being interested in anything but perfect when it’s what you deserve. One day, he figured, he could give you that. So he waited.
And of course you had no idea he liked you. Not when his way of showing it was hitting you harder while sparing, having higher expectations of you than everyone else, and exploding at you every time you so much as glanced at him (because he thought you caught him staring.)
“Well, there was Shouto in high school,” you begin.
Of course Bakugo knows about this, he hated it.
You and Shouto had been best friends since halfway through your first year. So, it didn't surprise too many people in your third year when he asked you to go out with him. Of course you had a massive crush on him for years at that point. He's beautiful, who in your class hadn't been into him?
And it was… Cute.
While it lasted.
You held hands. He walked you to class. The two of you always had meals together, but it felt different once you were officially together. You never kissed or anything but that's okay, it was new.
Exactly nine days and four hours is when it all came crashing down.
Feeling worked after training, you went to bed early. You'd meet up with your boyfriend in the morning. No big deal.
Little did you know, your puppy love relationship was falling apart before your head even hit the pillow.
“Hey, Icy Hot! What are you doing checking out Ponytail when you're already dating the hottest person in our class?” Bakugo berated Todoroki.
Confused, he responded as bluntly as he ever did, “but y/n isn't the hottest one in our class. Momo is.”
Katsuki’s red eyes pierced through him, clearly he was missing something.
“Wait, are you not dating y/n??”
“No, I am.”
“...then what the fuck.”
After much back and forth, it came out that Iida told Todoroki everyone should aspire to date their best friend. He took that to heart and asked you out without considering if he like liked you.
He didn't.
And he told you that the next morning.
It’s not Shouto’s fault his comprehension of human emotion is so limited. This didn’t make being broken up with by him any easier though. Everything was matter of fact, no sugar coating.
“Thanks for letting me know,” you mumbled to your feet, trying to think of any excuse to leave and save yourself the embarrassment of bursting into tears in front of your classmates. His mismatched eyes stared at you, still confused about the whole situation.
“I have to go finish some homework now, see ya later.” Turning away, you hope you played it off well enough. No one seemed to notice as you walked heavily through the common space with a face made of stone until you reached the elevator.
Bakugo did though, and he was pissed at Todoroki for fumbling so hard that you got hurt. Their already unstable friendship took a massive hit after that. Eventually, after a lot of adjusting, Katsuki reasoned he could be okay with you dating someone else if it meant you were happy (and they were perfect and checked every single box he decided someone would need to in order to be worthy of you.) This wasn’t it though.
“I don't mean high school. That one didn't count, ” he says, remembering how helpless he felt watching you being heartbroken when you never did anything to deserve it.
“Okay, well there was…”
The girl you were with for a whole month before discovering she was a villain, just using you because she thought she could get top secret information. She didn’t.
Then there was the guy you met at a coffee shop who stuck around for a while. He thought you were attractive but didn’t want more than sex and wasn’t sure how to bring that up. You being a hero was terrifying to him and he thought you’d stop sleeping with him when you realized that’s all he was there for. You did.
And Shinsou, who had the most amicable breakup with. He’s nocturnal and you’re well, not quite. After not seeing each other for three weeks, you decided your schedules just weren’t compatible and called it. No media outlets picked up on it since there was nothing to pick up on.
Bakugo shifts uncomfortably in front of you. Brows furrowed and face unreadable to most. A twinge of jealousy overtakes him. Sure, the two of you haven’t talked much since graduation, but he still has feelings for you. And hearing about all the losers who had a chance when he never did didn’t sit right with him.
On top of that, admittedly, he also feels guilty. Maybe if he'd asked you out all those years ago he could have saved you from this pain. His assumption you’d settle for nothing but perfect had been shattered, leaving him to accept that he shouldn’t have left you craving closeness from anyone but him. He should have been there.
He’s here now though. At this point in life, he knows he isn’t perfect but he could at least do better than everyone else you mentioned. If you let him.
“You wanna get out of here?” he asks abruptly.
“What?”
“Wanna go somewhere else? The food sucks here, there’s a good ramen shop that’s open late down the street.”
“You asking me on a date, Dynamite?” you joke.
“Yeah,” he replies dead serious, “I am.”
Suddenly you’re the one feeling flustered. A date with Katsuki Bakugo?
After a quick stop at coat check, the two of you are out the door. Running down the marble stairs to the rough sidewalk, his hand lightly around your wrist to guide you. A rain storm earlier left the streets glimmering, neon reflections from the surrounding shops. A few people trickle in and out of businesses in the typically bustling area, but tonight it feels like a ghost town.
Then you’re there.
He pulls you through an unassuming door. With a quick wave to the person behind the counter, they informally gesture the two of you towards the small seating area.
Sit wherever.
You slide over the cracked upholstery at a table in the corner. The pink sign lighting up the window casts a glow over his face, the warm color suits him.
When you left your place earlier, you never expected to end up on a date. Especially not here. The location being as much of a surprise as his sudden interest.
Sure, you always thought he was cute, but you never knew him. He spent all of high school keeping you at arm’s length. Then after, you’ve spent years basing your assumptions about Bakugo off the headlines you’d read. The dates he went on. Always models and idols. Fancy restaurants, valets, and expensive cars.
But this is real.
Across the table, you watch as he slides his suit jacket off. You hadn’t realized how stuffy the atmosphere was earlier until you see him relax, top buttons of his shirt undone and sleeves rolled up. You forgot about the scars.
The woman running the shop approaches to take your order, not bothering to ask him - it appears he gets the same thing every time he comes in. Having been distracted, you quickly pick the first menu item that jumps out to you. She disappears into the kitchen.
“So, what do you want,” he asks, sitting too casually for the depth of the conversation he’s bringing up. He needs to ask though, otherwise how will he know what to do? “You told me what didn’t work but not what you actually wanted in any of that.”
“I guess I haven’t thought about it. I’ve just been working and-”
“Bullshit,” direct, but his tone is playful as he flashes a slightly crooked smile at you.
Two bowls of ramen float through the air to your table - likely the quirk of the woman before. You’re glad for the momentary distraction, giving you time to consider your answer. The food arrived suspiciously fast but with one sip from the oversized spoon, you know it’s amazing.
“Holy shit,” you exclaim.
“Like I’d take you somewhere shitty,” he laughs, “still dodging my question?”
“No,” you pause, pulling a piece of bok choy from the bowl while you consider, “not a villain would be nice.”
“Bar’s that low, huh?”
“...and being able to spend time together at least once a week would be good.”
“Only once a week?” he scoffs, “too easy.”
“What about you?”
He says nothing for a while, chasing a green onion around his spicy ramen with his chopsticks.
“This is good,” he mumbles suddenly uncharacteristically shy, “like a real, actual date.”
Looks like you aren’t the only one with lowered standards.
“Too easy,” you smile.
If he told you how serious of a relationship he actually wants with you, he might scare you off. This is a great start though.
Abruptly, he changes the topic to hero work. You compare stories, scars.
He tells you how he got the small mark on his neck from a villain with a slashing quirk. How he took out a small area of buildings before Bakugo arrived to apprehend him.
You show him a similar scar on your wrist after the same villain escaped prison.
The evening passes far too quickly.
As he approaches the counter to pay, you don’t miss the exchange between him and the older woman working. She looks overjoyed, saying something while glancing at you in the booth. He smiles awkwardly, his flushed face apparent even in the dim neon lighting.
“Alright, let’s get outta here,” he asserts while grabbing both of your hands to pull you to your feet.
“Can I take you out again?” he asks, as your feet have barely hit the pavement.
“Yeah.”
“Tomorrow night?”
“Perfect.”
more Bakugo: masterlist
#bakugo x reader#bakugou x reader#katsuki bakugou fluff#bnha x reader#katsuki bakugo x reader#bakugou x y/n#bakugou x you#bnha x you#bnha x y/n#bnha x gender neutral reader#bakugou katsuki x reader#bakugou katsuki x you#bnha fluff#my hero academia x reader#mha fluff#katsuki bakugo x y/n
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And YOU will feel healed of the last 15
... when you read this fic. That is, as long as you suffered from an abandonement wound like i did.
Ello lovelies, i have another wonderful fanfic-rec for you! 🤓
But you are an ocean by @ineffably-good
Coverart by @ineffableclassics
What it is about:
After Aziraphale's defection, Crowley tries to figure out how to live life for himself.
Notes:
Ok so, the end of season two broke me. Figured I was maybe done writing stories about these two after that. And yet, several hours later, a sentence appeared in my head, and then this happened. Guessing at chapter totals… I'm finding I like the idea of Crowley going off in a different direction than what I'd initially expect. Not just raging, not sleeping for a century, but actually trying to move on. And why the hell shouldn't he just move to the South Downs by himself? So here we are.
What i like about it:
🩷This fic doesn´t jump in on pushing the story - their story - forward. Instead it goes a totally different path. A quite big part of it is dedicated to Crowley mending the pieces of his broken heart. It´s endearing, it´s breathtaking and it will have you cry. Not only for Crowley but for every single person who ever had to endure heartbreak.
🩷Fun fact no.1: in real life I am a relationship-coach specialised in toxic relationships and heartbreak. And the way Crowley´s heartbreak is described couldn´t be any more accurate. Every thought, every pain, every action he takes, the strength it costs him, the weight of it all - its written absolutely to the point. I could have copied several pages for the "most beloved quote".
🩷So Crowley tries to build a life for himself. Not just living without the angel and rotting in a pit, but really trying to carve out a nice little existence for himself. He is doing his work, he is healing and you can follow along with him, as he learns to build at least new "friendships" - though he would never call it that himself, thanks a lot.
🩷This healing-journey takes quite some time and somewhere in the middle of it i started to think - he could do it. He COULD heal his hurt, mourn the loss and still somehow at least live a life on his own. Maybe feeling the missing part of himself for the rest of his existence, but not being miserable about it the whole time. And that is a thought - a wish - i would have for my dark angel.
I could see him living that life and at one point i almost thought - i would love to see how that would´ve played out for him. A life without Aziraphale. What connections would Crowley have made? How would he have coped with the loss of those humanly connections lifespan after lifespan? Would he have relocated each century? Would he have moved to Australia and learned surfing at one time? Would he have become a timelord and travelled - i mean seriously, Crowley could do that probably?
But you, my dear, are an ocean.
And oceans are ancient
And can survive everything,
Even the wrath of weather and planets.
-- Nikita Gill
SPOILERS AHEAD - if you don´t want to know the plot, stop reading here.
Stop reading if you dont want spoilers!
Ok - you´ve been warned! Here we go: 🤗
🩷Fun fact no.2: I actually downloaded this fic some time ago but had another fic in mind i wanted to start next. So after i finished the last one (also really brilliant, i wrote a rec on it too), i started my e-reader the next day, THIS fic was already open instead on page 1. Huh?
I have absolutely no idea how this is possible, but i DO believe in hints-of-the-universe. Or little demonic miracles on their own. Because i needed this fic.
🩷Because of course - this is a Good Omens fanfic and eventually the other angel arrives. And without giving away to much: Aziraphale has to fight for Crowley. A long long time. He has to be steadfast and consistent and earn the trust of his has-been-companion-for-millenia. Nothing is a given any more.
And i am NOT saying that this is what Aziraphale needs to do or that he was wrong in any way. (The fic doesnt say that either by the way.) But what cracked ME personally about the last 15 was my own abandonement-wound which got triggered massively. I felt retraumatised even.
So reading and feeling that Crowley does not jump on the next best possibility to be back with the angel was a big thing. Having the Angel slowly earning his trust and simply showing up again and again - I needed that. I needed Crowley to take his time, not be the sick lovefool he is often proclaimed to be. For him to have doubts, to feel conflicted, to feel love and the need to self-preserve at the same time.
All these ambiguities we all have. And to take the steps with him. Watch the turning point, when the fear of losing Aziraphale again becomes less and less and the fear of wasting time gets stronger. Taking one step at a time, sometimes even backwards. All those things, typical for a healing process, which is never straight forward but most of the time a rollercoaster instead. I loved this. I needed this. I could sit back, breathe and watch my own heart grow. Just. Wow.
Most beloved quote:
So if you feel like maybe you need a fic in which Aziraphale really shows up and cares while Crowley really takes his time to learn to trust again... And not because one of them has been an idiot, but to experience them both learning and growing together ... and that might be something for your own healing journey, this might be just THE fic for you. I absolutely loved it and so will you.
Reading is therapy! 🤗
#good omens#good omens fanfiction#ineffable husbands#good omens fanfic rec#fanfic#fanfic review#fanfic rec#fic rec#good omens fiction#crowley#aziraphale#healing journey#healing#abandoment issues#therapy
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OKAY I have missed counseling 3 times in a row and I really need to process some stuff so this is me celebrating some TEACHING WINS as of late because things have been really hard!
—More writing is happening! More revisions of writing are happening. The gap between student writing being automatically boring, processed, disconnected from any actually thought and interesting, thoughtful writing—writing as a way OF thinking and sorting through thoughts in a logical way—is closing. Or at least narrowing.
—Classroom procedures are in place and I have to do very little to enforce them. There is (generally speaking) order in each classroom and the students’ habits, not my nagging, keep them in place.
—I am filling class time better and more effectively. There’s more variety in the structure of each class but also the time is just used better. They work bell to bell. In-between spaces are filled with review, oral work, discussions.
—Day to day work with the written text is becoming more specific. Tasks have been created in connection with a work that grew organically out of my teaching of them. There are more of these as a way to keep students paying attention to the reading/note taking. But the broad strokes, the chances to pause and discuss and see the bigger picture, are still happening. I’m starting to see the way the two layers and approaches work together to lift most of the students into an understanding of the story.
—There is still room for fun. Both in the specific sense—there are a few more games, review opportunities, creative exercises and chances to explore and engage with the text in a fun, non-academic way than there where before —but also in the very specific Maria way where I let my passion and knowledge for the work really show and carry them up on a wave, so to speak. This keeps the students interested, intrigued, and anxious not to miss one of the moments of fun.
—I feel like I’m reaching a more complete approach that tackles the basic skills of all my classes—reading, interpreting, discussing, writing—more evenly. Their opportunities to do all of those things is better balanced and woven together than it has been. The opportunity to practice each thing recurs and recurs again so that their sense of how to actually DO a thing—at least by my measurement of it—is improving.
—The specific qualities that I want to bring to each class are growing more distinct. My 8th graders vocabularies are expanding as is their grammar. My sophomores are establishing surer connections with outside scholarly voices on each of the texts we read which help them jumpstart actual independent thinking and interpreting. And my seniors are given the chance to connect the readings to their own lives and most importantly current concerns more than they used to.
I think that’s it :))))
#there is some emotional thread this year that is so painful. and idk exactly what it is#but I am sad! and missing something#and that’s why I have to make myself look at what I have built#and invested a lot of energy into building#and see (objectively!) that it’s working!#but I guess I do feel in my heart of hearts that I am missing some of the magic of last year#but you know what. I said that to Nina last night and she said ‘so far. there’s not much magic so far’#and maybe she’s right. I have to wait and see if some of the things I have planted will yield results and give them time to do so#but anyway yeah. I needed to do the objective data gathering#thanks for listening! sorry it reads like a report#teaching tag#imagine if my students found this and were like ‘lol incorrect’#anyways like today was so good and I was so full of energy but now I’m so tired and just—#blegh
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Chapter 89
I just finished Chapter 89
#I just finished Chapter 89… I don’t know what else to say… I have a lot to say… but… like… no. Just no.#Kingdom of Ash spoilers in tag and I guess kinda post but not really#90s only gonna hurt more with Abraxos & Narene & I hate reading reactions & Dorian’s not there & Manon my love like what do we do now what#first read#reading reacts#live updates#read with me#cry with me die with me idk cause why with me all I have now is bad rhymes cause my brain has been evaporated too (too soon?)#read along#Chapter 89#Kingdom of Ash#Sarah Jessica Maas why did you do this to me#I miss ACOTAR where no one dies#I mean it’s well written#and I’m fangirl heartbroken#but also real world crying#cathartic read world grief Maasverse moments and love and loving and hope and destruction and despair and fangirling and feels and agh#this better have a happy ending#I can’t keep calm but I guess I’ll read on#I don’t know the last time a book made me actually cry this much and broke my heart so deeply… I miss you already Asterin… Vesta… Sorrel… 13#stupid tag letter count cut off stopping me from listing them all but my loves … always … until the darkness claims us… and even then…#I am not okay#I am dead inside#I will never recover#KoA actually stands for Killed Off All of my soul that’s what the KOA part means#SARAH WHAT DID YOU DO#I wish I could hug fictional characters#haven’t finished the book yet just the chapter that finished me#once 13 always 13#I prefered live Fenrys since it ACTUALLY INVOLVED LIVING
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Monday blues are hitting me hard today
#you can ignore this if you want cause im gonna talk a lot of shit and sads and feelings#but as i’ve realised i literally have no one to empty my heart out to irl#and it’s fucking heartbreaking cause i love my friends but I don’t think they love me back#which is an insane though but I genuinely think it’s true like#i moved away 4 ish months ago and i know that communication comes from both side but like i wanted to test smt#so i stopped texting first and guess what?? only 2 friends texted me#1 because she’s genuinely a good friend i think and the other because she needed money (which i gave her like a fucking fool)#my heart just hurts cause i realised i’m not as important to them as they are to me and I’m completely misreading our relationship and#it sucks because I thought they were going to be my friends for life but now they’re all posting recaps of 2023 and im in none of their pics#even in pics where i was present at the time#and i dont know if it’s intentional or if im just being an insecure little bitch but it fucking hurts#i just want to be important to someone#i want to be someone’s person#not a last resort like#they keep doing stuff together which i get like life moves on and i’m the one that left#but not a single text or a pic or a ‘we miss you!’#not even a fucking heart on insta stories#am i being desperate?? or do I actually have shitty friends#like i have impostor syndrome in my own fucking friendgroup???#I can’t just drop them either cause then I’ll actually have no one#idk i must exude some sort of energy#i dont think ive ever had a genuine good best friend like for some reason they leave after 3 years#(and this is why i have trust issues and attachment disorders)#anyway I’ll probably just suck it up and go about my day#ive lived 24 years like this what’s an entire life#it’s wild cause i have a good time whenever i’m with them (i think) and then i leave and it’s crickets#i feel like hired entertainment sometimes#idk my head hurts so I’m probably overthinking but like these feelings come from somewhere right?#i have to stop
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want to cut my hair again like you wouldn't believe. What are the possible consequences of going bald
#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#actually i dont mean bald i just mean all one guard length#but hhhhh maybe i'm in an awkard stage maybe not i just CANNOT live like this#middle part is frustrating because it's not perfect in the way it sits side part is frustrating because i look like a girl#i feel like i could go all in with the 4 and then sorta texture a bit with the 2 guard HOWEVER having used the 4 previously. i know#how short that is. it might not look good so i worry#the bright side is it would grow out a bit by the time of the parade but augh i hate this#i'm currently a tightly wound ball of rage sorry. i didn't eat much of anything 2day#tried to call the hospital to get help with the letter/consulation thing preceding top surgery and they were NOT OPEN so idk if they will#be open tomorrow or not. the passage of time has gotten very vague all of a sudden#iiiiiii do not think i am doing well. lol. idk why though! god forbid any of it have a reason#i almost wish i'd relapse just so i could like. eat food again#idk i don't think it would solve it but i feel in my heart it might make things easier#buuuut because relapse is Bad For Me i guess i have to avoid it. well i want to anyways.#one bad day would not a reset make but my previous day happened this year already so...#i dunno it's been so long that i feel like it's not valid or whatever cause it was at an age where i can say it was a 'phase'#.............. i dunno what to do with that information. anyways.#i mean so what if i went all in on it again anyways? i kinda miss it lol. it's not like i could do any serious harm??#(potential infections aside.)#i just want to be creative and i CANT because my stupid brain will NOT think of anything#and the majority of what i have concretely written of this was written... get this .... right when i was trying to stay clean at first#correlation does not equal causation ........ sighs#i feel like i'm fighting a losing battle because i WANT IT to be that bad again#i've never really regretted it & it's never really been because of anything#i just started because i was curious about why someone would do that. that's all#i dont think i've EVER had any of the mental distress i see people in when theyre in these spaces#in one journal entry i made this big deal about wanting to kill myself but *i didn't want to*. i never did.#like sorry old me but it is REALLY hard to believe i've ever been depressed depressed#i just want things to be better and they never are :/ this should be everything i wanted and its just ... not#i'm not really sure how to ....... oh tag limit ok hold on
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So there's that D&D class quiz going around, & I took it & was so deeply offended I got Paladin.
& so I have had conversations with both Bestie & Birdfriend about this grave insult & they both were like, "Well... They have a point?" & informed me that my desire to absorb hits meant for others & deep drive to help whenever I actually can & strong convictions make me a bit Paladin-coded.
& I am just so... Idk. It's just interesting to get glimpses of yourself from other people's POVs. To be told that my defining characteristics are protecting & healing others & being incredibly fighty about the things I care about... Especially as someone whose brain specifically fixates on whether I care enough, do enough, give enough... Yeah. It's just kinda wild.
Anyway, I'm now adjusting my self-perception to include the fact that if I were a D&D character, I would be an Oath of the Ancients Paladin & not a wizard & that actually that's okay.
#I don't Believe many things#because I prefer to stay open to new perspectives#& think that a balanced approach to life involves embracing a certain level of ambiguity in reality#but the things I do Believe in?#Oh I Believe them with all my heart.#I don't know how my belief system will change in the future#But I do know that above all else I believe in Kindness#Kindness to yourself Kindness to everyone around you Kindness to nature#The point of society is to ensure Everyone is treated well & can enjoy existence as much as possible#The point is Joy. The method is Kindness.#& if you aren't fighting for Everyone to be taken care of & respected & treated with Kindness#then I am not interested in your revolution.#If you hate the people against you more than you love the people you're fighting for?#You're missing the goddamn point.#(Please note I'm speaking of Kindness as a separate concept from Niceness.)#(Sometimes you cannot be Kind without being Not Nice to someone who is doing unkindnesses.)#(But I feel like a lot of people mistake that concept for an excuse to deny those they disagree with Kindness.)#(& my dudes you don't actually have principles if they only apply to people you like & agree with.)#There is no freedom until everyone is free includes the people you don't like.#While I am not free right now due to my various axes of oppression & the oppression others face#I'm also not gonna be free if we straight up murder & imprison the current oppressors#Trading one oppressive system for another isn't actually all that radical???#Just 'cause you think 'the right people' are being oppressed doesn't make oppressing them okay?#Like I'm a leftist because I believe Literally Everyone should be allowed to live whatever fulfilling life they want#so long they as aren't doing a damage to someone else in order to do so.#Not because I think I think the wrong people are oppressed.#Hm now that I've written this fucking essay on ethics in my tags#I am seeing Bestie & Birdfriend's points...#Birdfriend legit said that I'm the '**smacks others while screaming** BE! KIND! TO! EACH! OTHER!' type of Paladin.#I guess they were right.
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i’m not like other girls, my “Rest” stats are a heart rate of 110bpm and a HRV of 14 fucking milliseconds. :)
#Seven’s Public Diary#vent#vent post#cw vent#cw vent post#cw health#cw heart#i’m so stressed :) i am soooo fucking stressed and my body is Suffering because of it#i want to just lay here and stare at the ceiling but. maybe a little venting will help#sighhhh wish [N]MbD Sun were here to obsessively fret over me#he can be mean about it idc. at least i’d have someone acknowledging how bad things are for me#sometimes i wonder when the last time was that my body Wasn’t in fight or flight to some degree#have i Ever actually relaxed#hhhhhhh c-ptsd is a bitch#anyways there’s so much to vent about but i’m. doing my best to be vague. i need to be more vague about things#a lot of stuff i can’t vent about anyways. it’s too personal#so instead i’m gonna complain abt how i haven’t been able to play Genshin or Star Rail for nearly a month now#and about how slowly my back is recovering. it’s like every time i re-injure/have a flare up. it heals.. worse. slower and lesser#i dunno how it’s ever gonna get better. truly better. maybe i’ll live with this forever#if being fat is the problem which is definitely partly is. then yeah i’m fucked#all of my problems just make each other worse and i don’t know where the way out of it all is#every time i think i’ve found it i’m wrong and i just make it all worse#anyways as soon as i figure out how to strengthen my core without breaking my back. it’s over for u bitches#‘u bitches’ being uh. all of the shit that needs doing that i cannot physically fucking do right now#i miss being able to sit down. and i’m Regretting de-converting my standing desk back to sitting bc now. i cannot use my PC#which means i can’t fucking do a some of my work or play my silly little gacha games and i’m mad abt it#i’m mad abt a lot more serious things too but again. can’t talk abt it so i’m gonna focus on trivial shit instead#anyways. sorry as always to everyone i haven’t spoken with lately. and in general. i’m so drained from the Everything that i just. can’t.#it shouldn’t be this hard for me to stay in touch w ppl but. it is. guess i’ll add that onto my list of things to be stressed about#i’m so tired of everything man. and i hate being so negative and mean when im stressed & in pain. makes me feel like im becoming my father
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tbh i think i just need to get into a media thatll shake me to my core the way me revisiting p//andora hearts at a crucial time shook me
#nothing will top how ph means a lot to me seriously adklfakdah#i can talk forever about why oz means a lot to me but why would i do that actually thatd be terrible adslkjfahl#if you need a character thats very very essential to me its oz honestly alsjkdfalkjs#i feel like thats REALLY ALL YOU NEED everyone else is just little snippets#but anyways!#some evil part of my brain is like 'hon//kai can be that for you and im fighting for my life'#'its not allowed to.'#i mean i was already feeling it with ch 9 ex bro i had to go lay down watching kiana in that chapter holy fuck man asdlkfjahl#but yeah idk i feel like....if i was able to dedicate more time to finishing up pt 1 i think honkai COULD have that potential. i sense it#it gives me the same levels of interest as like p//andora hearts and n//ier so 👀#but yeah anyways. i just need something to shake my life from its pedestal#thats another thing i kinda miss#i think its just that bc of how much all this has drained me#its been harder to really enjoy things that i ACTUALLY enjoy doing#the only thing i got going for me are my dumb comics bc thats low energy + i dont care if it looks super bad theyre funny to me#i guess i just miss being super passionate about interests#augh#snow speaks#i am feeling a lot better now but ig thats only if i just focus on doing things i like
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Today just hasn’t been a very good day.
#by bug#the weather wasn’t good#and something happened that put me in a weird mood#i didn’t get as much done as i wanted#which. i guess it’s ok bc i did a lot of work the past couple of days#but i just feel really distraught rn#ill make some rice and draw some light-hearted things#i found a job i want to apply to but it’s FT and I’m not sure if I can do that along with my program rn#I’d rather do something PT for the time being but still relevant and then transition back to FT once I am done with this#I wonder if I could still apply and ask them if PT would be an option or if it’s set in stone#I just don’t think I have time/energy for both atm#unless it ends up being one of those jobs that has a lot of downtime so I could do a bit of my school stuff there#it’s probably weird but I do miss work rn#and it’s nice having been lucky enough to kind of put it off for a little bit but that kind of routine is also helpful for me#anyway#on to drawing
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I forget how much I hate the taste of vodka but the whipped cream vodka is so much better my god
#make a drink sweet enough that you can’t taste it when it’s in ur mouth and then all u get is the whipped cream vodka in the burn#makes drinks more tolerable#also this is the fastest I think I’ve ever chugged an alcoholic drink#we are gonna get fucked up tonight bc we have daddy issues and fought with our mom this morning slayyy#smoked a cigarette at the lake now getting fucked up in my room while home alone#life is so good and it’s all bullshit forever#literally we could all die and it doesn’t matter and life is weird and crazy and I am happy it sucks and I am so fucking thrilled to be aliv#at all#life is good regardless of death but I wish death would just like wait patiently for my family#dad I miss u I hope you had a good four twenty where ever you ended up. im sorry moms acting like this. I hope my brothers okay at school.#I hope he’s having a good time and isn’t completely overwhelmed with everything. I was right and apparently he’s gonna come home after grad#uation and im excited to have him home again but my mothers all upset. I know it sucks that you’re dead but it’s nice knowing in a weird way#that you’re the reason me and hunter got close again. so thanks I guess for that. and smoking made me and mom grow closer. idk. you’ve done#a lot for us and most of it had to do with weed. today hurt worse than my birthday. or the six month anniversary. today sucked. and no one#else seemed to be torn apart by it and it made me feel like I was going crazy and no one could even tell#you would’ve noticed if I was acting different. I love you. wherever you are I still love you. and I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was such a bitch.#and I wish I took better care of you. but you were my father I wasn’t supposed to take care of you. you should’ve been there for me. we shou#have been there for mom and hunter and your parents and I’ve been thinking a lot about grammie actually. I don’t know how I feel. thinking#about her makes me cry now. I don’t have the heart to make her cry talking about my childhood but I miss her. and I miss being young. I miss#you coming to my Father’s Day dance recitals and coming back from bike week in Laconia and bringing me flowers always wearing your grey#Harley Davidson jacket and you’d have flowers in your arms and you’d be bored but so proud and you’d hug me and you’d smell like weed and#your beard was always scratchy when you’d hug me and I just miss you a lot. I miss you and I fucking hate you for it fuck.#note to self. don’t be pmsing and then get drinking and smoking and thinking of your dead father. you will cry
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#(this is a daily log of thoughts i guess)#trigger warning: death/suicide/loss#personal thoughts#sam's kintsugi heart#i miss my cousin#11y ago my older cousin killed himself. he was like an older brother to me. i still haven't let go of my guilt fully. i miss him so much.#i know objectively speaking there was nothing i could have done to save him.#but another hug; another smile; another phone call; another “how are you doing?”... i miss you M; i wish you had stayed.#i had a dream three weeks ago you had returned somehow; like all this time you had just been missing.#and you were clean and happy#and we hugged each other so strong#i will always miss you. i will always love you.#and i will check on people more often because i still think i could have been more present when you were struggling.#but i do feel like i am healing#i wish you had healed too#i will be strong. i'll live and love and try for the both of us.#you deserved so much more <3#still thank you for all the time you stayed <3
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Awh....;;;; Every time I get surprised about the amount of support I am receiving; I am very flattered you guys; I am just mostly avoiding the internet for undefined time because I legit got health issues from nervous breakdown 👍 The simplest I can explain it is, ‘being nervous is different from being anxious’. So I am just chilling in the bed and only check Twitter 2-3 times per day (it is easier as it has short posts, opposed to Tumblr having much more to read and see). But I will be fine!
Either way, thank you guys (especially you who called me Rom, because it is extremely validating and I identify with the character a lot ;-; Literally the only solid difference between us is that she reacts to being hurt with crying and I react with being vicious dsfjhfhds Rom the VICIOUS spider! xD).
The “anon assholes” are also not interested in talking to me because they KNOW I will know what to say. I mean, the brain behind the operation (though calling it a “brain” is too flattering) legitimately refused giving me any chance to defend myself, as well as fabricated a lie to latch onto as an excuse for not wanting to talk to me, so that should let you know where their true motivations lay. Yeah right, everyone in the internet has a right to say something and then refuse to listen to anything but blind agreement...... but not when it is an attack on someone. THAT one is the situation where you SHOULD be open to “criticism”, to say the least. Again, the goal is not to negotiate, but to manipulate other people into fearing me or something. It is like one thing if people see I am not the most emotionally stable person and want to avoid, completely justified! The truth about neurodivergent people is that our questlines have ‘recommended level’ bar, and not everyone is this level of handling... well, drawbacks. However, harassing people to ditch me over and over and over and over until they probably decide one mutual is just not worth the stress is... bad. I agree. You can’t harass everyone, stalk, like, manipulate, twist words, switch goalposts etc and then say “but I only did all this because I was scared that Katyahina would harass ME!!!”. You can’t “I am just a little guy” your way out of this one, lil shit.
(Also anon who sent a link - I do not open links from people I don’t know, even if they look like completely normal internal site links, I hope you understand.)
#ask replies#personal#positive#(?)#i don't mean to complain much but i am not able to do much without feeling like my heart is violently squeezed#the good part is staying at home of course#and trust me i do not miss my job even one bit right now#so i just do relaxing and happy things (says a person that checks twitter.....)#basically: being nervous isnt the same as being anxious#so please watch this shit ok?#i want to make a comparison with frenzy meter filling and me losing HPs#but it is not very lore accurate because the reason HP is lost is because your blood turns into spikes xD#however you understand what i am getting at#but like yeah...#guess i should kill rom so horrible cosmic secrets such as block button are finally revealed to humanity xD
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but i would give anything for just one day spent in the life i had when i was 15. it may not have been perfect but i felt like i belonged somewhere. and i didn't worry so goddamn much about the big picture
#sighhh i miss when my biggest worry was my crush liking me back#i was such a typical teenager in hindsight bc of that#it seems a lifetime ago but it was only 4 years#2 years since we broke up thats crazy. everything changed i built my own life from nothing#im a completely different person#figuratively and literally though i will not use that to excuse my past actions haha#discord was like my whole damn world my center of the universe talking to my friends on there the highlight of my day#we had plans we had goals we had all thse big ideas and things we could do in our free time#now we go days without really talking to each other#in 2020 i said 3 more years and then we meet irl now 2023 is over and i am sure i will never see you. i wouldnt want to see you#i guess adulthood caught up to all of us. okay. most of us#i am just so sentimental#things had purpose back then and i wasnt this afraid#and i loved them#and i had someone who loved me#its fucked up how you dont even realize it wont last forever until its over#i wish it had ended differently. the whole friend group.#sometimes i wish we wouldve stayed friends. but thats just hopeful thinking because in my heart i know there is no way#were too different and theyre too committed to fucking up everything they have always#it makes me sad. makes me think they truly dont feel like they deserve happiness. i am kind of that way too#but i dont complain about losing the people i push away. so thats how were different lol#and i also dont suibait my mentally ill followers every other day because of some drama that only 15 year olds care about#so in that regard thank fuck i grew up. but also. thinking of them reminds me of simpler times#when this petty shit mattered to me. it really doesnt matter to me anymore and i cant get myself to care about anything that happens online#maybe its time for me to leave the internet behind for good. i dont know what its doing for me anymore.#i dont have anything im excited about on my laptop anymore lmao i have to desperately cling for straws for things i could do#to avoid sleep and being alone with my thoughts
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looking at pics of me with long hair is sooooo strange now
#lots of love for girlmax in my heart but man. weird#so obviously repressed it’s a little insane. open your eyes boy#‘girlmax’ is. a joke btw. hi hacker gang#but like i didn’t even really take care of my hair correctly it always looked a little odd 😭#very glad with where it’s at now but like#idk. i don’t know why it’s so hard to look at old pictures of me#well i do but#looks away sheepishly#i feel like a completely different person than i was (counts on my fingers) 3? 4 years ago?#i’ve been looking at a lot of old pictures and messages from like middle school/early hs and it’s so#idk#cringe embarrassing etc but also like. weirdly miserable#which is like an obvious trademark of Being Thirteen but it’s so odd because i had no idea where it was coming from#idek if miserable is the word. melancholy?#oh. like the movie#that just hit me like a train actually#DONT watch i saw the tv glow. don’t do it .#/pos i guess#anyway#i’m glad to be who i am today i guess. is what i mean#even if i’m not all the way there i’m definitely closer to being someone i’d actually like to be#weirdly enough i think a lot of it was from living largely on my own for the past few years#not like Real Life Responsibility (trust my father still sponsors my existence. love him) but just like#i dunno#not being terrified of having every aspect of my life and expression picked apart in my own home. or something#i miss my sisters i guess i miss my mom but i do think i needed that sort of. cocoon state for a bit#idk. i think i died for a while & im glad for it#i sideeye That Movie again.#anyways. being trans is nuts#something something finn adventure time ‘im me again’ line something. whatever
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