#but I felt like it wasn't as... fulfilling? for me?
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Ignoring symptoms/outer world and detaching while entering the void state
So I got this question & post idea in my DM and it's a great suggestion cuz I personally used to struggle with that and seen others struggle w/ it too.
So y'all are focusing too much on the 3d AND the thought that you are focusing on the 3d and that you shouldn't focus on the 3d. How to detach from it?
1. First of all stop focusing so much on the thought/belief that you ARE focusing on the 3d and to enter the void you HAVE to NOT feel it AT ALL cuz if you while inducing think like "ok I feel this symptoms but I'm also hearing this and why do I still feel my pillow" LIKE DON'T. Just relaxxxx we're not telling you'll to relax for nothing! Cuz I realised form my experience that if I stress that my family is being loud or if I'm feeling symptoms and that i shouldn't move AT ALL (as if I'm in some statue statue game olympics đżđ„Ž) it brings my focus back on the physical world. But when I am relaxed i just don't give a fuck. Think about the time you were SO tired after a long day of being outside and you just wanted to go home and sleep, when you finally got to go in bed did you have any care in the world what's going on in the 3d? Ask yourself
2. You have two rooms if you don't wanna be in room A you just go in room B. Be in 4d to not be in 3d. Like as simple as that. Think, affirm, daydream whatever the fuck you do like literally have a party in your mind i don't care as long as you're not aware of the 3d anymore! You know what works best for you. You do not have to follow a damn method EXACTLY step-by-step. Make it your own. For me I can't only affirm and be only in the 4d cuz it's daily life for me to affirm so what I do is affirm while imagining or just imagine. And many time when I wasn't even trying to induce but was just imagining scenarios to sleep i wasn't aware of the outside world at all. Sometimes while thinking myself to sleep i felt whatever I was seeing behind my eyelids literally form and become more vivid as if I was actually in front of it (it was fun ngl đ€Ą) so yeah basically do what works for you. I can't tell you what works for you, no one can. Only you. (I wEnT cRaZy OvEr YoU)
3. For some people it can be fear. Fear of suddenly having everything they want (unlike what the damn bitch society have told everyone) so just accepting if you have this fear and telling yourself it doesn't have to be hard, painful the way society told us, everything is meant to be easy and just flow for us. Or your body/mind might be scared of "leaving" your body here or find it unusual but regardless telling yourself and body "you're safe, I am safe" is a great way. Writing down your fear and tearing it can also help.
Understand actually having it/ being in the wish fulfilled state
So you said you're in the void in the 4d but asking for help, even tho I obviously don't mind helping at all, you wouldn't be asking for help if you were actually in the wish fulfilled. F the terms you ARE actually in the void. I'm not just saying it as an aff or whatever. You actually are in the void 25/8. The void is within you. The void IS you. It is YOUR God state. Wdym you have it in the 4d and not in 3d??YOU JUST HAVE IT. You don't TRY to get into an awake or asleep state you just are in it when you are. Void is just like a mix of both being aware but asleep. You're not entering some completely different realm you are going within. When you force yourself to sleep you're just becoming more and more awake. But when you just let it happen it not only happens, it's effortless. Why treat Void state any different? It's not some magical thing getting you your desires YOU ARE. you can manifest anything in awake state too and you are the one manifesting in the void so don't put it on a pedestal please.
Nothing is holding you back from inducing the void state. If you believe nothing is, nothing is. Nothing can. Nope not even the 3d, not even the doubts. The law is always working. Stand in your power.
- Krystella
Wow this is something I needed to hear myself in my journey (i'mma pat myself on the back) thank you for the person who suggested this idea and let me attach the ss :D I'm grateful to be able to help! Feel free to ask. Thank you for reading !
Happy living our dream life đ„đđ©·
âżËË àŒđ
#void state#god state#reality shifting#shiftblr#loassumption#loablr#shifting blog#kpop shifting#void concept#voidstate#i am state#manifest#manifestation#manifest your dreams#law of assumption#desired reality#krystella shifts#i am living my best life
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What Makes A Home
ex-soldier!Ari Levinson x neighbor!Reader | 2,385 words.
Themes: friends to lovers, idiots in love, competency kink if you squint, neighbors, cozy community.
Reader is female, no Y/N, no description of appearance. Nicknames 'dear' and 'honeybun' are used by Ari for Reader.
My blog is for people 18+ only, minors DNI.
Story Content Warnings: implied smut, Ari being a soldier mentioned, Ari having guilt over his past, some very minor hurt/comfort (the love is requited, they're both just idiots).
Notes: This is a made-to-order fic for the amazing @bigtreefest - I hope it brings you joy and fulfilled your prompt! Full disclosure; I wasn't able to get my hands on the movie, so I had to piece Ari's character together from his scenes on YouTube. My utmost gratitude to @steviebbboi for character consult and helping me be confident about the decisions I made in the planning stages of this fic (all mishaps mine, of course). It is also my first time writing Ari. I hope you enjoy, and all feedback is very welcome!
I do not own anything The Red Sea Diving Resort related. This is an unofficial fan work. No copyright infringement intended. This is a work of fiction. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events, is purely coincidental.
The house that you inherited from your great-grandaunt â who apparently despised you less than her other relatives âis definitely what a realtor would describe as âhaving plenty of potentialâ. But it really does have good bones, so to speak, and with the current housing market, you definitely arenât complaining.
And the neighborhood isnât half-bad, either. The community is close-knit, if a little nosy, helpful to the point of overbearing.
And so, they didnât miss it when a new moving truck arrived at the house next to yours. The gossip has gone wild â the names of different special services are thrown around in the whispers like candy, even though no one can reasonably know anything about his history. Especially if he has a history as some overseas covert operator, like Mary at the end of the street keeps claiming, he certainly will keep that information to himself.
You are yet to run to him, and so youâre operating on second-hand information about him â which is mostly focusing on the fact that heâs tall and bearded and looks like he could bench press a school bus.
Curiosity may have killed the cat, but you reason that a simple welcome visit isnât going to end with your untimely demise. You pick a nice Saturday afternoon, check that his truck is on the driveway, and make your favorite snickerdoodle recipe. With a plate of still-warm cookies under aluminum foil, you go ring his doorbell, not entirely sure why your heart is beating so hard. Itâs just a decent thing to do.
It takes a few moments for him to open the door, and when he does, you are proud that your poker face holds.
âHi,â you say to the giant at the door. âYou must be Ari. I live in the house next to yours, and I thought Iâd come to welcome you to the neighborhood; they did it to me too, when I moved in a few months ago. I brought snickerdoodles.â
You extend the plate to him, and he takes it. He leans one shoulder on the doorframe, and you do not swallow when you see the muscles of his arms move. His hair reaches behind his ears, and he has a nicely trimmed beard. Even in a simple â tight â white shirt and jeans, he does look like a soldier. Not violent but like there is an alertness to him, despite the amusement in his eyes.
âHi,â he says. âYes. Iâm Ari. And you are?â
You give him your name, chuckling at the fact that you left it out in the first place.
âNice to meet you. And thank you for the baked goods. Would you like to stay for a cup of coffee?â
He moves aside, gesturing for you to step over the threshold.
And you do.
There were a lot of things you had learned about Ari over the six months since your first meeting, that cup of coffee that somehow hadnât felt awkward at all. He had a talent for filling moments like that with idle chatter that didnât feel like it was just there to cover something.
It was just so Ari, how his charm was always on display and yet so inseparably a part of his very being that it didnât feel like an act. It was just who he was. Of course, he could be a playboy â at least when it came to the charming part, since as far as you knew, there hadnât been anyone visiting his house besides you.
You were more than certain that a fair number of ladies in the neighborhood harbored a crush. And why wouldnât they, when Ari was the first to volunteer to any project, cracking easy jokes while he worked and being all charismatic smiles and wide shoulders ready to tackle anything.
It was that restless energy that had drawn him to your house, too. Just like you had turned up to his door that one Saturday, the next week he had turned up at yours, dressed in a flannel and jeans and carrying what looked like a heavy, well-equipped toolbox, pristinely new.
âThose gutters are going to fall off the clips soon. I could attach them better if thatâs alright with you?â
Stunned, you had nodded. Sure, there was an endless list of things to attend to, and the gutters had been on your mind but then winter had come and youâd been so focused on other things. You had no idea how he noticed, and when youâd asked, he shrugged it off, mentioning something about how he had to learn how to build and maintain things out there, so youâd left the topic at that.
It was the first thing he fixed at your house, but not the last. He gravitated here, looking to do something of meaning, and he refused to hear your suggestions about paying him for the work he was doing â despite the fact that every project he poured himself into was done with the meticulousness rivaling not only someone not in the profession but with a passion to it.
Like the patio you were now sitting on your knees on, holding the plank in place for him so he could screw it onto the beam underneath from the opposite side. Youâd made the mistake of mentioning over a shared dinner that you had contacted a contractor to see how much it would be to replace the deck, and he had turned up the next morning with all the necessary materials, in the exact shade of wood that youâd envisioned.
You werenât certain that you wanted to know what strings heâd pulled to get all that so fast.
âAri, seriously, you didnât need to do this.â
âNope,â he said. âBut I wanted to.â
âAt least let me pay for the wood,â you said. âYou know, Iâm a strong independent woman and I do have my own paycheck.â
âAnd Iâm very proud of you, dear,â he said with perfect nonchalance, and you tried to ignore something twisting in your chest at that. âJust let me pick the next five movies for our movie nights and weâre even.â
You huffed, knowing that youâd be in for some underground art movies no one but Ari had ever even heard of but nodded regardless. It was literally the least you could do.
He finished screwing the plank down and reached for more screws from the box on the side â youâd begun earlier today by laying down all the planks to have an even platform to work with, and now it was just the matter of evening out the cracks in between and attaching them to the support structure. His arms moved, and his t-shirt lifted slightly as he bent to the side, revealing a slice of tanned, warm skin at his waist. You forced yourself not to stare.
The thing with Ari was that he flirted with anyone and everyone â except with you. He made the grannies laugh by asking them at the community nights if they were old enough to drink; he had the cashiers at the local grocery store sighing dreamily after him when he departed with one of his famous smiles. Everyone seemed to understand it was all fun and games, and yet you were certain you werenât the only one here with hopes when it came to him.
But it wouldnât be you â his complete and total lack of that kind of behavior around you was the clearest sign you couldâve asked for. He saw you in an entirely platonic light, and so you didnât want to endanger what was a beautiful and genuinely enjoyable friendship with him by asking him if you could be more than that.
Even if sometimes the question, the why not me, burned your tongue and tried to sneak out of your throat. At least then youâd know the reason why he saw you so differently than others.
âHoneybun?â he said, yanking you out of your thoughts.
You swallowed, hoping that the question would go down too, and met his expectant gaze. Heâd said something, and it had flown right past you, and now he was staring. God, you could drown in the blue of his eyes.
You were lucky to have him. He was a good friend, caring, attentive. He made you laugh at the worst of days; he was good at coming up with solutions, especially unconventional ones. You had no reason at all to feel wistful at all the nicknames, derived from different baked goods youâd made for him over the past months.
âNothing, nothing,â you said, lowering your gaze. âSorry. What did you need me to do?â
You heard a thump as he set the screwdriver down. He reached his hand, two fingers under your jaw tilting your face back up so that youâd look at him. There was that little wrinkle of worry between his brows and you felt a pang of guilt even as the warmth of his fingers was making your skin tingle.
âAre you sure youâre alright?â he said. âWe can take a break if you need a few. Youâve been somewhere far away for half the day.â
You quickly shook your head, knowing that youâd already ventured too far close to the line you didnât want to end up crossing.
âJust a little tired, thatâs all,â you said, hearing the flimsiness of the excuse even in your own ears.
He tilted his head and raised his brow; his hand was still there, under your jaw, lingering where it absolutely shouldnât.
âI know it when youâre lying, honeybun,â he said, one corner of his mouth rising into a smirk. âSpill the beans. Do I need to kick someoneâs ass? Iâll do it, you know.â
You swallowed so loud that it seemed to echo in your head like the creaking sound of thin ice.
âNo, thereâs no need for that. I was just wondering whatâs so different about me?â
A flash of something in his eyes, gone so quickly that you could hardly tell it was there to begin with.
âDifferent how?â he said, strain in his voice, like he was going for some sort of normalcy and failing to grasp it.
Oh no. You had opened some floodgate and now things would be awkward from here to eternity. The only way to save this was to get it all out, and now that the water was flowing freely, there was no stopping the words from flowing out of your mouth:
âWell, itâs not a big deal, but sometimes I wonder why it is that you have this flirt going on with everyone except for me, and I mean, itâs absolutely and totally fine, you just see me thoroughly like a friend and thatâs that but with what we have and all the nicknames and all that, sometimes I wish there could be more and Iâm just wondering ââ
And then you were wondering about nothing at all.
Ari was on you like a shot, his hands framing your face and pulling your lips on his even as he leaned towards you, and it didnât matter that you didnât understand. His kiss was a claim laid, one hand cupping the nape of your neck and the other wrapping around your waist even as his mouth devoured yours. He pulled back with his lips still on yours, bringing you to his lap and he was everything, everywhere, his scent and warmth and the softness of his shirt smelling like spring sun and laundry detergent, the taste of him on your tongue, the feeling of his hands mapping your body. It was just him all around you, and you fell into that just as easily as youâd once fallen into a comfortable, shared routine of friendship.
When he finally let your mouth go, you were both out of breath, and you were straddling his lap, suddenly very aware of how his feelings towards you werenât entirely platonic at all. There was a hint of pink on his cheeks, and his hands came to cup your jaw, thumbs caressing your skin.
âYou were too precious for that, honeybun,â he murmured, eyes fixed on yours. âI didnât⊠When you waltzed into my house that day, it was the first time it felt like a home. You were the first time I felt at home. And putting on that face⊠it felt too cheap for you. And I didnât⊠I couldnât lose you. Not you. So I thought Iâd be there for you. Take care of you, make you happy, and find my joy from that. When I was out there⊠I donât know if I did enough, if I made a difference. I wasnât sure I even deserved the kind of peace I felt with you.â
âAri,â you breathed out, tears prickling in your eyes, unsure what you wouldâve said even if there wasnât a lump blocking your throat. âAri, IâŠâ
His thumb brushed over your kiss-swollen lips, and he shook his head ever so slightly, his gaze aflame with something that could never ever be just friendship.
âBut now that Iâve had a taste of you, honey, Iâm not selfless enough to give that up. I want you more than Iâve ever wanted anything in my life. I canât let you go.â
âThen donât.â
And just like that, his mouth was back, his hands diving down from your face to map the shape of your body, and the tiny moan he breathed right onto your lips sent a shiver down your back. He was holding you by the hips and you tangled both of your hands into his hair, making sure he wasnât going anywhere without you.
âI think,â he managed in between pushes of his lips. âI think the patio can wait.â
You nodded eagerly, and he stood up with ease that sent a swooping feel of desire into your core, his hands slipping under your thighs so he could carry you. Your legs wrapped around his waist as your arms clung to him, and he made a beeline for the door that led inside.
It was a good thing that after all the work heâd done at the house, he knew exactly where the bedroom was.
Thank you for reading. Please consider leaving a comment, if you can spare the time and energy.
#ari levinson x reader#ari levinson x you#ari levinson x female reader#ssf fic: oneshots and drabbles
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I will be the guardian of your dreamsđ€
Featuring: Cho Hyun Ju x Reader(f)
Warnings: This is my first fanfic! Also, English is not my native language, so sorry for the mistakes! I just want to express my love for this beautiful woman!!
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It was a deep night. All players slept, tired after the first game. Still, there were too many shocks on the first day. Only Young-Hee still couldn't sleep, turning to the right side or left. All because the girl was afraid of the dark and since childhood could not fall asleep without her favorite plush rabbit and a small night light in the shape of a star. Here, unfortunately, she was absolutely alone. It even began to seem to her that someone was watching her from the other world, but it was just her fantasies out of fear.
- Hey, are you all right? - a quiet voice sounded nearby. Young-hee immediately realized who he belonged to. It was her new friend, whom they met at the first game, because if it wasn't for Hyun-ju, Young-Hee would have died. Hyun-Joo was brave and damn beautiful. Even though the girl was transgender, she was very attracted to Young-hee without realizing it.
- Yes, everything is fine. - she lied, she really didn't want her friend to worry about her. - Why aren't you sleeping?
- Thanks to the training, which took place for many years, I got a very sharp hearing. - the girl said with a grin. - And I also trained to recognize lies. So I feel like you're lying me. And it's very offensive.- she added too theatrically.
- It's just... I'm embarrassed to talk about it, because I not a small one.
- Do you mean you really want to go to the toilet?
- GOD, NO! - Young-Hee shouted with embarrassment, so much so that several people seemed to have woken up.
- Why shout like that? I was just kidding. Don't be afraid to tell me, I'll understand everything. - she comforted her with her tender voice.
- Good. I can't sleep because I'm scared. - the girl paused for a while, and then continued.
- Since early childhood, I have been afraid of the darkness, especially those who live in it. That's why I always slept with my plush rabbit and the night light on. I was so calm. And there is no such thing here and I can't do it any other way. It seems to me that monsters will attack me and kill me. - as soon as the girl finished the story, she looked at the next bed where Hyun-ju was lying, although she still won't be able to see the reaction, because there was nothing but darkness.
Hyun-Joo listened carefully and did not interrupt her friend, and when she finished, she smiled warmly saying:
- You could have told me earlier, silly.
- What do you mean? - she asked with incomprehension.
- I mean, you should have told me earlier what you're afraid of. This situation is easy to solve.
- And how? Those triangles would not give a night light. - but instead of an answer, she heard only a quiet laugh and some movement, as it turned out, her friend got out of bed and quietly approached her.
- Move, I'll lie down next to you. - Young-Hee couldn't answer anything, so she silently fulfilled the girl's request and was very embarrassed by what was happening.
As soon as Hyun-Joo lay down and covered herself with a blanket, she carefully hugged the girl's waist and put she head on chest.
- Now, I hope you'll sleep well. - she whispered.
- Yes..thank you, but why did you do it?
- Why? So that my Young-Hee could sleep peacefully and gain strength before tomorrow. Don't worry, from now on I will be the guardian of your dreams and I will not sleep until I am convinced that you have gone to the kingdom of morphine. And now good night to you. - After that, the girl gently kissed Young-Hee on the forehead.
- Good night to you too. - she answered softly. Her cheeks were decorated with a strong blush with embarrassment.
Thank God it was dark and Hyun-Joo didn't notice how her friend blushed. Although, maybe she felt everything and realized right away?
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#hyun ju x reader#cho hyunju#cho hyun ju x reader#player 120#squid game#squid game headcanons#squid games x reader#hedcanon
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Seeing Pietro interacting with Groot was always a joy. Groot was entertained by the human speedster, and Pietro felt once again like a big brother. Not like he had ever stopped being one, but Mantis knew that not having his sister around was painful and difficult. Looking after Groot helped him fulfill that role once again. The empath shook her head, trying to look annoyed, though a small smile tugged at her lips.
"Come on, he's not that bad."
Immediately, almost as a counterargument, Quill's voice reached them from his bedroom, singing:
"...Let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and Mars. In other words, hold my hand! In other words, baby, kiss me..." His voice turned a little more debonair. "You look beautiful, Gamora... Sure, I'll dance with you!"
The door was ajar, and Mantis peered inside before knocking. Quill, standing at the center of the bedroom, removed his earbuds.
"Shitâ Hey! What's up, guys? I was... chillin'."
"Gamora is not here with you, Peter," Mantis told him, looking concerned.
"I, uh... I know."
"But I agree, she looks beautiful." Mantis held out a hand. "May we have the Zune, please? I bought Pietro new headphones!"
"Sure, I wasn't listening to anythin' anyway. I couldn't pick a damn song."
Playing along with the simplistic and often faulty logic and reasoning of children was something Pietro enjoyed doing. He liked to encourage them, but he also liked to indulge himself in their innocence for a while. He'd lost his a long time ago, he felt, through the harrowing set of circumstances life had thrown at him over the years. But it was almost as if, by engaging with children in their magical thinking and simple logic, he could recapture a bit of his own innocence, however temporary it may be.
When Mantis began to laugh, so did Pietro, his eyes alight with mirth and happiness. "I know, right?! Adorable!" he said. "Yeah, you think he does? I like to think he does. He is a great little guy." He followed Mantis through the Benatar in search of Quill, and before long, he was chuckling again. "Well, he should not be difficult to find if he has the Zune, yeah? Just listen for the really bad singing."
Pietro was half joking, of course. Quill wasn't that bad. And what he lacked in perfect pitch, he made up for with... enthusiasm. "Although... if he is enjoying himself that much, maybe we should just let him keep it for now. I can always listen to it later," he said with a shrug. After all, it wasn't his Zune, it was everybody's.
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*sniffs the air dramatically* I smell a SNW rewatch approaching
#i wanna watch s 1 and 2 back 2 back#see what it's like#i LOVED season 1#still do#sosososo much#and I liked season 2 overall#but I felt like it wasn't as... fulfilling? for me?#like i think maybe I was just not as excited going into it because my hyperfixation died off#not that the season was bad in any way#so maybe if I try watching s1 and s2 back to back I will like s2 more#now that I've had a break to calm down about the whole thing
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went to an interview today and some parts were very nice but one part that had me looking for beef was me saying 'some people find me intimidating because I like to read' and that if I got in, I was looking forward to meet people who intellectually challenge me, and the interviewer went 'oh but are you going to just read and ignore people?' and the other went 'how do you know the other participants will be what you hope what if other countries are âš less stringent âš than Singapore and don't have our selection processes' which is just so silly because 1. I read to listen to people who write, and obviously if an interesting person is in front of me I'd set aside the book, and if they're insecure in themselves why am I supposed to approach them? they just assumed right off the bat that I am stuck up, wrong, I just want to talk to people who are confident enough to hold a civil conversation without making me tone myself down for them, it's my greatest wish actually. 2. He's saying that Singapore is the literal best country and we're going there to represent the best?? we're there to internationalise why are you saying I shouldn't have high hopes for other people?? then why would I even want to go??? and the kids going there are way more amazing than me which I know firsthand from research and communication with them on the discord server u didn't even know about! I brought cookies to the interview!! why are you assuming that I am not socially adept and that I am shy simply because I don't like talking to Every Available Person Around??! lack of reading comprehension in these guys. I don't wanna be elitist or rude but it is a fact that there r ppl u can't get along w because they include u for the sake of inclusion which is absolutely insulting and then there are lovely beautiful people who are nonetheless scared by you and it's important not to freak them out by pouncing on them.
#i steam in anger#this is a big thing for me because all my life through primary and secondary school i was told how i ought to socialise and people acted#like i was being difficult and hard to work with#i felt like i took up space that no one wanted to give me#'just play nice'! insert name is hard to get along with aloof and she should Socialize More!#It wasnt until this year that i had a teacher who actually wrote me a nice non backhanded letter of referral#who understood that sometimes i wanted to be alone and was cool about it#i wasn't socially inept and i made friends when i wanted to! I wasn't some kind of handicapped person#no one should have treated me like i wasn't doing enough by not smiling and being introverted#no one of you ought to have acted like i had to change myself to fulfill your expectations#i felt so looked down on#so pitied#it disgusts me#then and now i am disgusted#i will not cripple myself because other people think i ought to bear a load#i will not make friends to appease you!#that wouldn't be sincere#it wouldn't be fair to either party#you talk infantilizingly#i abhor being told to play nice; to *shrink*.
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today was so full of hope for me. life is okay sometimes
#LIKE im getting existential but good fuck if today wasn't just. so good.#it was a beautiful day and listening to tfb driving down an empty road was just augh. the fields by my work have never looked so nice#i still worked myself into the ground and i dont like my job but everything around me was so pretty and it just felt so fulfilling#and yeah ive got the anniversary of this terrible day coming up but like. im saving to move in with my brother#ive met the platonic love of my life and theyre so nice to me all the time and if i think about it long enough ill cry and its just.#i wish i could give last year me a hug but im proud of myself. and nothing is perfect right now and im still broken but today was beautiful
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tw eating disorder talk, pt.2 to the last post in the tags (once again, no mention of numbers that could be triggering, just a heartfelt rant bc I've been so afraid of talking about these things on here, but i really just need to get everything out bc . I feel crazy)
#so basically it was bad. this past summer the relapse was so sugarcoated in the sense that#i was telling myself it was fine. it didn't look the same as it did at my very worst#it didn't even feel the same#but it wasn't fulfilling either. it was stressful. it was exhausting. i was using my anorexia as a way to distract from having depression#i needed to feel a sense of achievement and i got it! but at the cost of my physical health#and my mental health was all over the place like less depressed sure. but way more anxious#it was weird. because even now i have to tell myself it wasn't okay. it wasn't fine. it's not worth it it's not WORTH IT#part of me keeps romanticizing it bc i was so in control and i was still working a little and still functioning in a socially acceptable way#but i know how much anxiety it gave me on a daily basis. only i know how my body ached and how low i felt from my immunity going to shit#only I know what it's like to have horrible circulation and constant weakness#no one else will live my life for me#I'm sure there are people who can live the way i was. im sure there are people who thrive like that#but they only thrive for a short time before it all comes crashing fown#and it's not worth the comparison bc when im suffering theyre not going to help me out!!!!!#when im struggling with the weight of it all. the people that promote tiny little portions and academic excellence with no room for#self compassion#they're not going to nurse me back to health#i won't feel a sustained sense of satisfaction from restricting and studying until i pass out from exhaustion. I've done that before#perfectionism is a parasite and this is a disease. it's a fucking mental illness and it's not even about vanity for me like thats just a#fraction of it#anyway#z.post
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#accidentally got into a bit of an argument with my sunday school teacher/youth group leader this morning#(tho I didn't see it as an argument? more of a difference of opinions? slash-me asking for clarification on his points#and opinions on mine?#but my sisters said it felt like I was arguing so. *helpless shrug* that wasn't the intention really)#but the subject was about heaven/the christian's true home#and he was saying that the descriptions of glory and splendor in Revelation (streets of gold/foundations of the city/12 gates/etc)#are all real literal actual descriptions of heaven and that's where we'll open our eyes as soon as we die#and as I'm leaning more and more into 'revelation is largely a prophetic vision and we should be careful not to take too much of it#too literally' lately#I was saying that 'heaven' as we call it is the state of being returned to perfect unity with God + the New Creation#which will be brought about after the end of days#and. yeah.#now I'm largely just confused lol#because it just seems to me like saying 'yeah as soon as I die I'm gonna wake up in a MANSION and there's gonna be JEWELRY EVERYWHERE#and GOLD STREETS and ALL THESE VERY SPECIFIC SYMBOLIC ARCHITECTURAL FEATURES#is... slightly missing the point???#I personally find it far more hopeful and attractive to say tbh idk what it's gonna be like when I open my eyes on the other side of death#BUT I know that God is going to bring me back!! I will be resurrected in a new body with a new purpose in a new *world*#and it will be every single thing I love about this world but BETTER!!! no death!! no sorrow!!! no pain!! perfect undistracted fulfillment#of my callings!!! a wonderful fantastic beautiful unbroken world and //I// will get to live in it and help cultivate it!!!!#and actually this may be a bit of a rabbit trail but I wonder why the churches I've grown up in don't seem to care that much#about the New Earth? they're all like 'YEAH HEAVEN :D :D :D GOLD STREETS 'N PEARLY GATES :D :D :D'#but never 'hey did you know that all the horrible ways we've destroyed this wonderful place that we live in now will be undone?#and we'll come back to earth but it'll be just like it was in the Garden???? isn't it cool that as much terrible stuff we inflict on#ourselves and others and God's beautiful work of creation it's STILL not more than God can redeem and remake and restore???'#bc that message seems a lot more inspiring to me? not just escapism but restoration and reclamation?#idk. I wish I had people to actually discuss these sorts of spiritual things with around...#maybe I'll find them at college... I really hope I do...#tag ramble#christianity
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Finally caught up in nightbringer. Weird that they chose to literally roll credits on a storyline that didn't end. I know that the og game also rolled credits after lesson 20 as well, but that definitely felt like a full story arc with a resolution. In the same timespan in nightbringer, we had the inciting incident at the beginning, some world building, and then some pats on the head.
I'm guessing that the og game only planned to go twenty chapters so the story followed that. I'm also guessing that based on that popularity, a longer storyline was planned for nightbringer from the beginning which is fine! But still shoving credits in the same place felt jarring
#my post#obey me spoilers#nightbringer spoilers#not really spoilery but in case anyone's trying to avoid everything#it's just weird to me that they obviously planned a longer story this time and still chose to put in an indicator that media thing is over#like i feel like they could've also blocked out the story better if they really wanted 20 chapter blocks too#like the chapter 19 storyline felt like a more fulfilling end to me that would still leave room to work with in the future#but they also just said 'k that's resolved' when it literally wasn't??? it could've made a good cliffhanger because of it#but instead we have an entire chapter to say 'yay you did it! gold star for you'#maybe it'll all make sense when the next season comes out though and I'll eat my words#đ€·đŸââïž
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i wish i could love in a way that matters
#ignore me its 4 am and i scared myself awake LOL#idk nightly rambling w a side of sleepy brain fog im gonma delete this later i think#i've been thinking a lot ab my aromanticism and how. idk. i keep running into my own mental resistance to it#ik theres prob a lot of internalized bs there i gotta work out on my own terms but like#ig i feel almost. disappointed? in knowing that's who i am#no disappointed isn't the right word. im not disappointed in my sexuality and i certainly don't hate the fact that im aspec#in fact i feel More secure in knowing why i feel the way i do about relationships#but at the same time i wish. that wasn't just it for me?#i think what im trying to say is i feel like im missing a huge part of. the human experience i guess. in knowing i don't feel romantic love#i don't understand it. i never have. and it feels almost restricting to me in a way#theres just this whole facet of human relationships that i'll just never be able to fully explore#whether that's in my creative works or in my own life#and that. almost makes me sad#don't get me wrong the love i Do feel and am surrounded by every day is so so fulfilling to me. i love my friends+family more than anything#but ig in knowing im aro i feel almost. shut out from the possibility of exploring a truly deep and nuanced connection with another person#bc every relationship i Have had like that before never once felt like i was truly myself. like i was putting on an act and miming what i#Thought you were supposed to do in those kinds of relationships#i just feel like what i Want and who i Am are fundamentally at odds w one another#and i guess i just have to. learn to accept that.#idk#im going back to sleep#skip speaks
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From hate to love⊠or something like that
Aegon II Targaryen x fem!reader
word count:Â 15.7k (sorrrryyyy)
warnings:Â arranged marriage, hate-to-love, mentions of rape, mentions of incest, mentions of suicidal thoughts, drinking alcohol, mommy issues, daddy issues, mentions of sex without love, unprotected sex, oral sex (f receiving), porn with plot (but something cheap, tbh) and I probably forgot something but I think that makes it clear that this shit is not for minors, so MINORS DNI :)
A/N: I started this since the second season premiere started so if you find any canon-like scenes I completely promise it wasn't intentional. I also want to make it clear that you are responsible for what you read and if you don't like something please just let it go, that would be very kind of you!
And this doesn't make me team green at all, I'm a defender of the rightful queen to the death⊠it's just that her brother is too sexy to ignore đ«Š
Enjoy!
taglist (who I thought might be interested):Â @barcelonaloverf1life @ilovequeen978
FIRST ACT: HATE
Finding a wife for Prince Aegon II was probably one of the most difficult tasks Alicent Hightower had to face.
The engagement with his sister Helaena had been broken after a more tempting offer for the princess, which would get them a permanent alliance with the Lannister house that they couldnât refuse. Viserys himself had agreed to accept and the queen consort had no choice but to give her little daughter in marriage to a blonde lord. The problem was that her son was left without a fiancĂ©e.
Aemond didn't worry her, after all he was growing up quite quickly and she knew that he was more inclined to become a warrior than to fulfill his marital responsibilities. But Aegon, however, was a lost cause.
It was no secret that Alicent had always felt disappointed in her eldest son. He was careless, lazy, and a hopeless alcoholic, qualities that couldnât be celebrated at all. Now that her beloved father had returned, the queen didnât hesitate to consult him on the matter, hoping that the man had a solution for the problem that afflicted her, and together they analyzed what was the best option to unite the king's first-born son. Especially after, years ago, Rhaenyra and Daemon got married and moved to Dragonstone indefinitely.
âIt must be someone we completely trust, someone who cannot dare to hurt us because they know that their blood is linked to ours.â
The Arryns were loyal to the future queen Rhaenyra and some of the houses south of Vale were too. The Westerlands was the richest section of the Seven Kingdoms and was already secured, so it seemed prudent to the king's hand to go for the next widest section: The Reach. The most formidable options within this area were the Hightower and the Tyrell. Obviously taking the first option would be a waste since the members of that house would support Aegon without complaint due to their kinship, so the decision was made with the direct heir of Highgarden.
King Viserys agreed to the idea without putting up many obstacles, since poppy milk clouded his judgment most of the time and also the affairs of his first son had never interested him much.
The union was sealed as soon as the deal was offered to Lyonel Tyrell, who was extremely happy to be able to assure his family a future with said marriage. It was thus that he gave you, his only daughter, to Prince Aegon II Targaryen.
And the second the boy saw you, he absolutely hated you.
He had come to the idea (very unpleasant, by the way) of marrying his younger sister and now that his mother was forcing him to marry a complete stranger, he couldn't be angrier. In a short time he would turn twenty and it seemed pathetic to him that at that point he would have to offer shows like those before the kingdom. Because the wedding wasnât simple, of course, but thousands and thousands of guests were present at the banquet that Alicent forced the king to prepare, claiming by saying that he had done the same for Princess Rhaenyra's wedding.
âIt is a pleasure to finally see each other, your grace. They have told me a lot about youâ
You had said those precise words the first time you had met, when his mother organized a walk so that you could 'get to know each other better', although supervised by her own eyes that were behind you, making sure that her son didnât commit any indecency. But no matter how sweetly you smiled and spoke them, Aegon could sense that you were lying.
There was hatred in your eyes and a clear resentment towards the life from which you were torn, as if it werenât an honor to have the opportunity to marry the prince of the seven kingdoms. Your hypocritical words represented an insult to the boy and that is why he decided from the first moment that he would hate you deeply.
With your mere existence you would have deprived him of his freedom, his entertainment, his youth. He would be tied to you for future occasions, he would have to take you to all the events, secure your food, your clothes. share the same roof and pretend to be nice to you in the eyes of others. And, besides, he could have thought of a lot of candidates better than you, physically speaking. Your beauty was quite ordinary for his taste, as if he were looking at any painting; cheap and repetitive.
âI regret to admit that I am not so fortunate, Lady Tyrell. But I am happy for the union of our housesâ he lied, in the same way that you had done.
And it was obvious that this didnât go unnoticed by you, that you had the same critical eye as your recent fiancĂ© but that you sought to maintain composure in the presence of your future mother-in-law.
On the wedding day Aegon had a good time only because he was able to drown himself in monumental quantities of liquor and because he was able to eat as much as he wanted of the exquisite banquet. He didn't even pay a bit of attention to how you looked in the wedding dress that the royal seamstresses had been in charge of making in record time, because when the time came he flattered you superficially and then ignored the matter. The ceremony kiss was the first you shared, and it was so fleeting and awkward that the prince felt disappointed. On the wedding night he was so drunk that he didn't even look at you.
You knew that the unfortunate day would come when you would have to carnally please the young man and the simple thought of being defiled in this way caused you terror and nausea in equal parts.
It was a stranger whom you had married, of whom the only thing you knew was his noble title and name.
In the days following your marriage, unfortunately or fortunately, Aegon didnât even speak to you. You didn't have to share a room, so it was easier for him to completely ignore you while he went about his ways.
You had to admit that the only good thing about having taken this trip was the beautiful landscapes that King's Landing offered you. Your room had a direct view of Blackwater Bay and you spent several days looking out the window at the beautiful sea. Sometimes you could watch Prince Aemond ride his dragon, and honestly, the size of the beast scared you a little. You hadn't had the chance to observe Aegon in Sunfyre yet but if he was as impressive as Vhagar, then he would be quite a sight.
A week passed, then another and another where you were nothing more than a guest in the palace. You didn't talk to anyone, you ate dinner alone, you barely saw the outside of the castle. Sometimes you went to the Sept, pretending to pray, but really just killing the endless boring hours of the day. You were somewhat lucky if you found Helaena, the most sensible and calm within the royal family, because you had pleasant conversations with her. When you met the queen it was a little more difficult, because she asked you endless questions in which you had to fake the answers. How could you be fulfilling your parenting responsibilities if the capricious prince wouldn't deign to lay a finger on you?
After a month, Alicent seemed to take matters into her own hands and forced her eldest son to take you to sleep in the same room as him. However, Aegon seemed to want to blame you for something you hadn't chosen. He never spoke to you and every time you went to bed, he would stand with his back to you as far away as possible. And as if that werenât enough, he had explicitly ordered his guards not to allow you to leave the room unless it was in his company. It was his way of punishing you, of getting even for the complaints of his mother and grandfather regarding his lack of interest in marriage.
âMy mother wants us to attend a dinner tonightâ you were so unaccustomed to hearing his voice addressing you that it took you a second to process what he was telling you âI will talk to the maids to bring you a suitable dress.â
You didn't know what to say. You didn't want to go to that dinner, nor did you want to be with him, or wear one of those tight, annoying dresses. Aegon, noticing your silence, deigned to look at you and in your eyes he could see the aversion you felt for him. It was something difficult to mask and he had seen it on so many faces that it was nothing new.
âAs you wish, prince.â
A bitter laugh came from your husband's throat.
âDon't be a hypocrite, for God's sake. I know you hate me as much as I hate you. Save appearances for guests, not in the chambers."
You wouldnât have had the courage to admit out loud what his majesty had said, but you didnât dare to contradict him either. You had to play the role of a self-sacrificing and suitable wife for the man if you wanted to keep your honor, but above all your head.
You tried, with all your might, to see some quality in Aegon that you liked so that you could treat him in a better way, which always resulted in something useless. Perhaps if he had been nicer to you, you could have known how to forgive his faults, but even that wasnât granted to you.
The dinner was mostly family-oriented, with the guest of honor being from House Baratheon whose purpose was to discuss some political matters with the king and queen. Due to his health, Viserys didnât usually leave his room more than necessary, however, that night the occasion warranted it.
âLady Tyrell, how is your stay in King's Landing?â
The king had a reputation for being gentle with his guests and was the first person to ask you a personal question, so the smile you showed him was genuine.
âVery pleasant, your grace. The servants treat me as well as possible and I must admit that the views from my room are beautiful. Your dragon is impressive, Prince Aemond, by the way.â
The boy, who wasn't all that expressive, just looked at you for a moment and tilted his head down slightly.
âI'm glad you like it, princess.â
"And my son? How is our Aegon treating you?â
That question was more complicated to answer, since it required expressing a lie. Everyone present focused their attention on you, except your husband who had been staring into nothingness for a long time.
âVery well, my king. Heâs a good husband and I am happy to have been able to unite our houses.â
The aforementioned snorted, incredulous at what you were saying at the table, and took a long drink from his glass of wine.
âAnd I hope very soon you can give us strong and beautiful heirs.â
Although that was intended as a compliment, you felt the weight of that responsibility pressing down on you again.
âI wish the same. It will be an honor to serve the crown and bear the progeny of a house as formidable as yours."
The queen was pleased with your answer and for a moment felt sorry for you. She knew her son well, so deep down she knew that it wasnât a gift from the gods to be married to him. The rest of the table looked at you curiously, wondering if you were serious, trying to be ironic, or just trying to play the good girl role.
Aegon, as expected, became intoxicated during dinner and when Queen Alicent announced that she was going to retire to sleep you thought it prudent to do the same. Your husband, however, had other wishes.
âStay here,â he asked, his voice serious.
When he was drunk he looked you up and down, probably evaluating how worth it would be to decide to strip you naked and fuck you once and for all. Your body in the dress you were wearing looked better with a few drinks on him.
âI think it would be best to retire, my husband. This way you can stay with the men to chat and⊠drinkâ
âBut I want you to stay here to keep me company,â he insisted, holding your wrist tightly âOr don't you want to please your prince?â
It wasnât a loving request, but one for control. He wanted to have you there only to demonstrate his power over you, without paying attention to you or talking; only as an ornament.
âAegon, enough,â Alicent interrupted, observing the scene that had begun to unfold. âDaughter, let's go to sleep. âI will accompany youâ
âFine, do whatever you want,â he spat contemptuously, abruptly releasing the wrist that was holding you. There was hatred in his eyes, but also pride.
The queen said goodbye to everyone present and then offered you her hand to take you away from there. You spent most of the way in silence, walking through the long, wide corridors of the fortress followed only by the faithful footsteps of Ser Criston Cole.
âYou must be patient with himâ he began to say âHe is a particular man and sometimes⊠difficult, but I know that with your docile character you will be able to deal with his temperament.â
What did she know about your character? She didn't know you at all.
âSo it shall be, Queen Alicent.â
âI understand what you are going through, dear. We both come from the same lands to endure the difficult task of accompanying a monarch. But it is our duty to carry it out with all the honor and temper worthy of our homes. Of course, I can trust that as a woman you will be able to help him fulfill another of the most important marital commitments, such as having children, to maintain the lineage and blood. For a virgin like you, Aegon may be rough, but... patience and resilience are among the best virtues. A woman in royalty must endure these things to give the best to the people.â
You had never wanted to be a princess. And just when you thought the queen was showing you compassion, you realized that she was only looking out for her interests and those of her family.
"Thanks for the advice. I'll keep it in mind"
She smiled and immediately left a kiss on your forehead, which could have been taken as a maternal kiss but which you didn't like at all. The longer you can postpone suffering, the better. If Aegon didn't even want to look at you, it was perfect.
That night, as soon as you touched the mattress and the silk sheets that decorated it, you began to cry until you fell asleep.
SECOND ACT: CONTROL
Time passed again and although the punishment of not leaving your room was not revoked, you found multiple activities with which to entertain yourself in the prince's absence. You filled your mornings and afternoons with reading, writing, knitting and embroidering. The nights were even more boring because most of the time your husband wasn't there either.
Rumors that you hadnât yet consummated the marriage had spread through the halls of the palace and soon the smallfolk would murmur too. After all, the people couldnât entertain themselves with anything more than the gossip and the plays that were going on in the poor neighborhoods, making fun of royal affairs.
You no longer even had the energy to deny those accusations and Aegon had given you the perfect opportunity by throwing you out of his room and refusing to leave the four walls of yours: if you didn't leave there, there was no way anyone would question you. And since you didn't have family inside the Keep, you didn't have any visitors either.
One night, however, your husband surprised you by entering your room. It had been days since you two had seen each other and his staggering around the room warned you that he was drunk again. You often wondered how he resisted drinking so much and the long-term effects it would have on his health, but right now your mind could only focus on the fear of what he might want in that state.
âGood night, dear,â he drawled, sounding as sarcastic as possible.
You were in your nightgown and you were carrying in your hand an old book that you had been reading and that you threw on the nightstand as soon as you saw him approaching you. You didn't have time to say or do anything else when he had already approached you in giant steps to grab you by the back of your neck and start kissing you. He was abrupt, careless, with his mouth smelling of wine and tasting even worse. You wanted to cry from helplessness.
âIt's what everyone wants, isn't it?â he murmured, separating himself from you, but still holding you by the hair at the back of your neck. âA marriage arranged in a couple of days to form alliances. And that's it, my life was ruined thanks to my father wanting your stupid castle to expand his domain."
The truth is that couldn't be further from the truth. Viserysâs ambition had never been that, as he had been so little involved in the process that he simply didnât care who his children were or were not married to. Except for Rhaenyra, of course.
Aegon continued:
"I didnât want this. I didn't want to marry you, or anyone..."
âAnd you think I do?â you confronted him.
You were tired of the insult, the humiliation and him ignoring you as if you were worthless; even if that was what a husband did. And the most likely thing was that your words would be forgotten due to alcohol or that they would put an end to the wait for your suffering to begin and Aegon decided to take you once and for all.
âYou have nothing to lose, prince,â you continued. âYou get drunk as much as you want, you run away from your responsibilities and walk everywhere when I have to stay locked up here all day just because you want me to. I have to endure the suspicious looks of everyone because I still don't have an heir in the womb while you go and fuck your whores."
âI'm the prince and I fuck whoever I want, did you hear me?â he hissed. The grip on your hair had already begun to become painful and a few tears slipped down your cheeks âAnd I stop fucking whoever I want too. I'm not going to please anyone by getting you pregnant. There they will see if they come and force me to put my cock in youâ
âDo you doubt that, your grace?â you exclaimed bitterly âDoubts that will force us to conceive?â
âSo that's what you want? Do you want me to do it?â
âI want to go home. That is what I want. But my father used me as a bargaining chip and that's why I can't do anything."
âI'm sorry it was like that. If I had chosen my wife, I would surely have chosen someone prettier and more educated than you, but I can't do much either."
Once again, the man pushed you until your lips joined his and the same discomfort settled in you. He didn't kiss you with love, but with fury and violence to the point that you had to push him away when he bit you so hard that a trickle of blood began to come out of your lower lip. Aegon was also stained by it and with an acidic smile he ran the tip of his tongue all over his mouth to remove any traces.
Looking at you he didn't look happy, but he didn't look angry either. He just seemed fed up.
Everyone knew, or suspected, that the prince was very capable of taking sexual advantage of any woman. He had done it before with maids and prostitutes and had slept peacefully throughout that time. However, there was something about you that encouraged him not to. He didn't even think it was something about you specifically but about the situation, because he wanted to do the opposite of what he was ordered: if everyone ordered him to take you to have an heir, it automatically became an unpleasant act and at the same time that he refused.
He was hurt, not because of you but because of years and years of abuse and neglect. He didn't really know you at all, he only knew what you represented.
You were just the unlucky one who had married him.
"I hate you. I hate that you are my wife and you are not worthy of me even touching youâ he snapped with disdain. You were still fighting to keep the tears inside your eyes and his vision had also blurred slightly âI wish I had never met you.â
âThe feeling is mutual, your grace,â you expressed, your voice breaking. If it was an offense to the crown, you wouldn't even care anymore and if he killed you right there you wouldn't regret it too much either.
Aegon looked at you one last time before staggering back out the door without another word, closing it behind him with a loud gesture and leaving you alone in the room. The reality that you had escaped, once again, from being raped by the man fell on you like a bucket of cold water and your knees weakened until you fell to the floor.
You were hurt, tired, and defeated by the stress of the situation and the fear that had washed over you the entire time. Luckily he was gone, otherwise you didn't know if you would have endured what he had to do to you. It was better to have him busy in a brothel than to have to endure him in your bed.
You wished you could talk to someone and cry on a loved oneâs shoulder, only to realize a second later that that was impossible. Aegon was your new family, now you belonged to the Targaryens and you would have to do as they wished.
Anger completely overwhelmed you to the point where you stood up from your seat and began throwing pieces of glassware all over the room, in a violent outburst at what had just happened and the way you felt. None of the guards outside your door dared to come in to check on you and soon enough you fell back to the ground, exhausted from the effort.
As you cried, perhaps for the umpteenth time since you had been married, you thought about how you would never be able to love Prince Aegon. Not even if you tried.
THIRD ACT: PAIN
After months, the inevitable arrived. The truth was that the first time you felt sorrow and anger, but the following times it became more tolerable. Not because it was better, but because you began to get used to it. Aegon didn't change his attitude towards you one bit. You indeed spent more time together, although that didnât mean that you got along better or that you had begun to have more sympathy for each other.
The only advantage was that you had started to be friends with some people in the palace. Your sister-in-law, to begin with, as well as some of the maids who were in charge of looking after you, as they turned out to be your only company during those days. Those distractions were more than enough for you, considering the situation you were in, and they kept you sane as time went by.
Almost like a punishment from heaven, it seemed that you werenât pregnant yet, since your biological processes seemed to continue working to the letter. That meant that, unfortunately, you would have to keep trying; when Aegon was lost enough to forget who you were and you had to stand still as a statue to let him loom over you.
You often liked to imagine what your life would have been like if you had stayed in Highgarden. Nobody knew it yet, but there you had found your first love and although it never went beyond a few kisses, you treasured the memory with particular affection. You had always wanted to marry a sweet man who loved and respected you, who would give you your place as a wife and adore you day and night; someone with whom you could feel protected, cared for, but above all happy. You thought, naively, that that boy you had met and who was nothing more than a commoner could have given you that life, but all those possibilities were nothing more than fantasies in which you tried to lock yourself in to feel less miserable with your unpleasant reality.
One night Helaena had invited you to a modest dinner in her company that you couldn't refuse, since none of your husbands were present and some time with friends could clear your mind. You didn't even know where the prince was, although it was expected that he was spending some time in the town with his friends.
âSometimes I feel sad about our situation,â said the blonde. You were in the privacy of her chambers, not even with the maids present, so confessions like that were allowed âBut I am happy that you are my friend, something that wouldnât have been possible otherwise.â
âI'm glad to talk to you too,â you smiled sincerely. âYou're the best thing I've found around here.â
âMy brothers aren't that bad, they're just⊠well, we've had a hard life. And that's why they behave like that."
âI think there is no justification for being aâŠâ idiot, you wanted to say, but you had to remember that you were in the presence of the princess, âa person who is rude to others. But I guess that happens with royalty, right? They do what they want without consequencesâ
"I guess so. Kings, princes, the heirs, lords, dukesâŠâ
âOkay, I get it,â you laughed bitterly âIt's probably a masculine quality.â
You never thought your sister-in-law would have that kind of humor and to be honest, most of the time she was a comic relief for the situations you two were going through. Sometimes her prophecies scared you, especially the way she phrased them, but you wanted to think that her premonitions would never affect you directly.
When you finally got tired of chatting and the food was finished, you decided to return to your room, so you could have a peaceful night's rest. It was raining outside and thunder echoed in the distance, making the atmosphere slightly gloomy, but at the same time cooling every corner of King's landing.
The novelty of your position was no longer important enough to require you to be escorted by guards twenty-four hours a day, so you were able to slowly walk through all the corridors that led to your sanctuary. It was modest but cute, although not on the level of Aegonâs.
A man was guarding the door and you bowed your head to him to let you pass, which he did without any opposition. Once inside you got rid of your shoes and unbuttoned your corset, not caring that the room was almost in darkness; only the moonlight illuminated from the window. You took a few steps forward and squealed when you discovered that there was another person in the room, sitting at the small table with a drink in his hand. You would have started screaming for help if you hadn't noticed that said intruder had silver hair falling like a curtain over his face.
"Your grace?" you asked cautiously.
It isnât usual for Aegon to drink in your room, as he preferred other places with more interesting company, and when you didnât receive an answer you approached slowly. You thought that at best he had simply fallen asleep and at worst he would be dead.
At first his long, wavy hair covered your view of his face, but when he noticed your presence he raised his head and then you could see him. His features became clearer as lightning illuminated him from the outside and for a second you were horrified.
His cheek was red and a trickle of blood was dripping from his nose, however, what surprised you the most was seeing his eyes completely swollen.
âFor the seven, I⊠I'll go call a maesterâ
âDon't even think about it,â he exclaimed hoarsely, seeing that you were already rushing towards the door.
Your husband didn't sound like his usual angry tone, but rather he seemed... hurt.
You thought for a second about what the appropriate reaction to the situation was. You couldn't leave the room because, in addition to the guards murmuring, it would be impolite to leave him in that state; also, where would you go? If you ignored him, he would probably take it as an insult and he had already made it clear that he didn't want to see someone who could take care of those injuries.
You hated him, it was true, but you weren't an insensitive monster either.
"Who did this to you?"
Aegon was surprised by how soft, even kind, your question sounded and the intoxication gave him some courage to answer.
âMy mother and my grandfather. Mostly my mother, my grandfather rather dedicated his efforts to reminding me how useless I amâ
You didn't know what to say. You never believed that the queen would be capable of hitting one of her sons like that. You didn't believe it from any mother, actually.
With some trepidation you took one of the chairs and placed it in front of him, expecting him to immediately push you away or ask you to get out of his sight. However, the prince didn't seem to have enough energy to do any of those things.
He had a lost look on his face and tears began to run down his face.
âNothing⊠nothing I do pleases her. Neither to her, nor to my grandfather. All the time they are pressuring me, demanding me, yelling at me. Apparently Otto still hopes that my father will name me king, but I've never wanted that. They blame me for drinking all the time and how do they expect them not to? My father cares so little about me and my mother hates me. All his life he has hated me. She does it, my brothers⊠and so do you. My own wife hates me. Everyone⊠everyone who knows me does itâ
You were silent for a moment.
There were mixed feelings inside you, because you couldn't forget the mistreatment that the man had given you during those months, nor the way he used you for his pleasure. He was right when he said you hated him. However, there was a compassionate part of you, deep down, that felt sorry for the man's state.
âAnd sometimes I just want to be dead. I just wish all the shit would go away and drowning in alcohol and dying would take away Alicent's problem and allow her to focus her attention on something betterâ
His gaze lifted and he looked at you with crystallized eyes.
âMaybe you should poison me one day. So your suffering would also endâ
âYour highness, I cannot do thatâ
âBut would you like it? Do you hate me enough to wish me dead?â
âOf course not,â you said quickly.
"Liar. You lie like everyone else. You want me deadâ
You knew that saying something negative at that moment, in the state he was in, could result in him making some incoherence that you would be blamed for the next morning. So it was best to act cautiously.
âI don't think anyone wants thatâ
âMy mother does. My father, Rhaenyra does it, and so does her stupid new husbandâŠâ
âYour graceâŠâ you interrupted him harshly. Listening to him sink into his self-indulgence was too much to bear âYou better go to sleep, don't you think? Now you're not thinking clearly, you'll feel better in the morning."
But Aegon seemed to be lost in his own thoughts, oblivious to anything you had to say to him.
âI guess I just wish someone wouldn't completely detest my existence, you know?â
Aegon had done terrible things to you, of course, but seeing him at that moment made you wonder if all of this was the product of poor parenting and psychological abuse that had been perpetuated for twenty long years. You couldn't say your father loved you, not after what he had done, but at least he hadn't constantly hurt you as the man in front of you had. You knew better than anyone that hate had to be healed with empathy and for a brief moment you felt soft for him.
Once Aegon was a small child, without sins, without accumulated hatred, without evil... and apparently that frightened child hadnât been completely buried, because it was him who cried inconsolably and saw death as a viable alternative to end that suffering. However, there is no redemption without guilt, right? You don't get to heaven without first repenting.
You stayed silent for a long time, listening to him sob, and when you gathered the courage you spoke:
âPrince, can I be honest with you?â
You had spoken in a low and benevolent voice, while you slid from your chair until you were kneeling in front of him. The boy didn't even want to take advantage of that position for a sexual act, he was simply too tired and drained to think. You placed your hands on his knees and seeing that he nodded, you continued:
âYou say you wish someone wouldn't hate you, but have you ever made an effort to do so? Or have you even wondered why people feel that way about you?â
âIt's something natural for themâ
âI didn't feel it,â you said, honestly. You hated the idea of getting married out of obligation, but if he had been different from the beginning maybe your feelings for him would be too âAnd you made me feel it. With your contempt, your humiliations, your punishmentsâŠâ
âIf everyone thinks you're a monster, what's the point of contradicting them?â
âAnd then you prefer to agree with them?â
You were probably taking too many liberties with the prince, but you would never have a chance to talk to him like that again. He was vulnerable and therefore less defensive than normal.
âEvery person is responsible for their actions,â you continued. âYou can't change how the queen or king feels about you, but you can choose to offer something better to others. If itâs your desire that people not hate you, that wonât happen overnight just because you tell it to. It takes time, effort and above all it requires kindness. If you live regretting the concept that people have of you, without doing anything to change it, then you will live a lifetime of dissatisfaction. If you seriously want someone to feel happy about your existence then pursue that goal, donât expect it to be granted to you as a divine work.â
A deeper cry began to well up from the man and you almost thought he would lean down for your hug. Still, he didn't.
âI don't know how to be someone else. I have always been thisâ
âNot always, that's for sure. Water that stagnates rots and becomes a swamp. The one that runs, on the other hand, becomes a river and flows into the ocean.â
You raised the handkerchief you always carried and, in an act of kindness that was also intended to be an offering of peace, you gently wiped the tears and dried blood from his face. Aegon squirmed as he had never experienced that kind of care.
âYou just have to ask yourself: what do you choose to be?â
For an endless moment he watched you. His judgment was clouded by drunkenness, but he wondered if he wasn't hallucinating and you were simply the voice of his conscience telling him something he had never wanted to accept.
It was easier to blame others for his mistakes, to justify himself by saying that everything about him was his mother's fault and that if he behaved the way he did it was only a defense mechanism. Aegon had never thought about how his treatment of women was a direct consequence of Alicent's upbringing: if his own mother had hurt him, why wouldn't other women do the same to him? And since he was convinced that they were all going to do it, he preferred to turn them into objects that he could use for his benefit.
He was so drunk and so exhausted from all the crying he had shed that he simply pushed your hand away from his face and stood up from the chair, without saying a word. You, now standing, saw him begin to undress and the first thing you thought was that he would seek to heal his sorrows by having sex with you. However, he only got rid of the essentials and then lay on his stomach on the bed. Without any choice, you took off your clothes for the day, put on a nightgown and also lay down on the mattress to sleep.
You were sure that the next day Aegon wouldnât remember anything and you weighed the possibility of the whole story repeating itself, in an endless and painful loop for the two of you. And if you were right, it would be a shame if you had to live like this for the rest of your days.
FOURTH ACT: REDEMPTION
âDo you know where Meryna is?â you asked one of the maids who had come in to change your bedding.
âNo, your graceâ
âI'm starting to get hungry and she still hasn't brought my breakfast,â you exclaimed sadly.
You had woken up a while ago and had gotten dressed to go for a walk after eating, to see if this would cheer you up a little. It had been a few days since Aegon had opened up in the privacy of your room and after that you had barely seen him, much less spoken to him. You believed that everything was due to a matter of pride or even shame for what you had witnessed and you simply didnât give it importance, because you knew that eventually he would approach you again. You just had to wait for him to want to do it.
Almost as if by summons, the black-haired girl appeared through the door, looking agitated and embarrassed by the delay. Furthermore, she came empty-handed.
"PrincessâŠ"
âDidn't you bring breakfast?â you asked, still sounding cordial but slightly surprised.
âI'm very sorry, it's just that Prince Aegon asked me to bring the food to the royal dining room. He is waiting for you there, he told me to come and get you.â
He hadnât mentioned requiring your presence for any breakfast and, according to you, there were no guests in the palace to accompany. The two women noticed your dismay and Meryna stood waiting for a response.
âDid he tell you why?â
âNo, your graceâ
"Good. Then tell him I'll be there in a moment."
You only took a few minutes to change your dress, one more suitable for being in the presence of the prince and in case there was a guest you didn't know about. There were no guards at your door so you were able to walk to the dining room by yourself and were surprised to see that only your husband was at the table. He had an expression that you interpreted as a mix of impatience and nerves.
âOh, you finally arrived. Sit down. You, bring the princess something to drink,â he ordered a maid. He used to call you that in the presence of guests, but it was rare for him to have that courtesy when alone.
âAre we waiting for someone?â
"No. I just thought you might want to have breakfast together.â
You were already sitting next to him, and for a second you watched him with a frown. Had he hit his head somewhere or why was he acting so strange?
âDo you prefer juice or wine, your highness?
"Juice"
âAnd bring her some strawberries,â Aegon exclaimed.
There was something about the situation that scared you, because you imagined that he wouldn't be treating you so kindly without wanting something in return. But you were already his wife and he did whatever he wanted with you, what more could he want from you?
You looked him up and down, as if searching for some sign, but he looked completely normal. He was wearing one of those full black robes he was used to, with a golden chain with emeralds decorating the hem of his neck and a belt accentuating his figure. The dark circles in his eyes were pronounced, as always, but the look was not that of someone angry; you would even say that he looked somewhat passive, even sleepy.
While you were thinking about all that, you remembered the last conversation you had had with him. You feared that madness had finally exploded in your husband and the food you were about to eat was poisoned, as he had suggested at the time. Perhaps out of courtesy he was waiting for you to take the first bite and, trying to control the trembling in your hands, you took a portion of the cold cuts on your plate to put it in your mouth. Luckily the food didn't taste different and after seeing that the man ate it with the utmost calmness, you assumed that it didn't contain any poison either.
There was freshly baked bread, jam, some cheeses, the aforementioned cold cuts, a variety of fruits, scrambled eggs with fresh herbs and chives, as well as some stuffed buns for dessert. It was a mini banquet and as you ate it you couldn't help but wonder why this show of kindness was due.
Aegon didn't seem to have any intention of talking and you didn't try to force him, not wanting to either. The atmosphere was one of peace and tranquility, one you had not experienced since your wedding day until now, and it was a very different but strangely pleasant feeling.
It was just a couple sharing breakfast time, but for two people who come from such a broken home it felt like a totally new experience.
You continued in silence until most of the things served were finished, leaving only what wasnât to your palate's liking or that your body was simply no longer able to ingest.
âDo you need anything else, your majesty?â
âClear this table, we won't eat anymore,â he said to the maid, nonchalantly pointing to the leftovers you had left. Then he looked at you âSatisfied?â
"I am. Everything was deliciousâ
âI want us to do the same tomorrow. I will send a maid for you, so get ready soon,â he said decisively.
Then he got up from his chair, stretched a little, and left the room without saying anything else to you.
You didn't see your husband the rest of the day, but the next morning he kept his promise without fail. Although the breakfast menu was different the routine was the same and again it made you wonder what the reason for it was.
The next day he also requested your presence for breakfast and you concluded that he intended to make it a habit. For the rest of the morning you were supposed to dedicate yourself to your activities, but after a week of following that routine Aegon informed you that he had other plans for you.
âI want you to come with me for a walk.â
"To the exterior?"
"Yeah. I have training with Ser Criston but I don't wish to attend, so you will be my excuse. I'll tell him that the princess wanted to go for a walk and that I couldn't let her go alone."
He was telling you that lie almost like a childish prank and you would swear he was about to smile.
âHuh, okay. If you want it, we willâ
You were still confused by his actions, because in all the time you had been there it was the first time he treated you decently. You didn't know if he was still drinking in large quantities, but at least when he went to sleep he no longer reeked of liquor in the same way. And all that week he hadn't forced you to have sex with him.
What had motivated the prince to change his way of behaving towards you?
"Do you want to go to the beach? I will order a couple of horses to be saddled for usâ he exclaimed when you had already left the dining room.
You couldn't refuse to go to the bay, because in your entire life you had never seen the ocean and your curiosity was greater than any other feeling. Besides, you loved horses, and being with them might even make you feel better.
Aegon did as he told you and soon enough you were in the stable. He had ordered a beautiful white mare for you, with a silver mane the color of your husband's hair and a formidable build.
You approached to pet the animal, carefully, and tensed completely when you felt another body behind yours. Until that moment you hadn't realized how warm your husband was.
âShe's pretty, right?â
His voice sounded at your ear level, as he had also reached out to touch Frostfireâs hair.
"She is"
âI guess you know how to ride,â he muttered under his breath and you let out an offended sigh.
âOf course I do. Highgarden is the heart of the chivalry of the seven kingdomsâ
After saying that you turned your head just a little and met his gaze, indigo eyes with hints of lilac looking at you carefully. You could feel his breath against yours and at that closeness your cheeks had already turned red involuntarily.
He separated from you and then went to choose his horse, a black thoroughbred with beautiful braids, to get on it and ask the guards to open the door for you. You almost managed to sneak away, but Ser Criston stopped the two of you just before you could do so, claiming that he had a scheduled practice with the prince.
âI'm taking my wife to Blackwater, she hasn't had a chance to visit since her arrival.â
âBut your grace, your fatherâŠâ
âWe will continue with training later, Ser Criston,â he said firmly.
âWill you go to Blackwater without an escort?â
âI willâ
"That's impossible"
âDon't worry, I don't want to be accompanied. Just rest for now.â
âBut you are the prince.â
"Exactly. I am the prince and I want my orders to be respected."
The boy was a smug son of a bitch when he put his mind to it, just like now. The man had no choice but to obey the words and then the two of you were able to leave. You could get there on foot, but Aegon had felt like riding and had wanted an alternative to quickly escape if something went wrong.
You walked along a path that still belonged to the Red Keep grounds, so there was no great danger of being attacked along the way, and you soon reached the bay. It was even more beautiful up close and as soon as you got off the mare you forgot any courtesy towards your husband, as you rushed towards the shore to watch the waves crash. Your pumps and dress were soaked when the water reached your calves, but it didn't bother you too much because you were happy for the reason.
âHave you never been to the ocean?â
âI'm afraid not, your grace. There was never any business that required me to be on the coast of The Reach and I have always lived surrounded by hills and forests. I had seen some rivers, butâŠâ
Before you could continue your story you staggered because of a wave and to avoid falling you tried to hold on to whatever was within reach, which turned out to be the man next to you. He supported you from the elbows with his strong arms.
âOh, I'm so sorry.â
âItâs okay,â he laughed. For the first time in your presence, he had laughed âBut we should get away from the shore. I wouldn't want to take you back to the castle all soakedâ
You heeded the boy's advice and, still leaning on him, walked towards the sand. The sky was slightly cloudy, so the weather was perfect for walking around without any discomfort.
âI've never visited Highgarden, is it as impressive as rumored?â he asked, as he began to walk in the opposite direction of the Red Keep.
Although you never believed that the prince would be interested in such things, you began to talk to him about your hometown with particular emotion. You told him about his surroundings, about the castle and you also told in greater detail the gardens that once belonged to you and were full of golden roses, as was the emblem of your house.
You were surprised by how attentive the boy was to everything you had to say to him and for the first time since your arrival, you didn't feel like a stranger in your own skin. Talking about your home was like remembering a part of yourself, as if you were showing him your insides through stories of the beautiful hills where you had ridden so many times.
âEverything sounds wonderful,â he concluded. The sea breeze had already ruffled both of your hair and he took advantage of this to brush a strand out of your face âSomeday I should go visit itâ
âYes, maybe you would like thatâ you exclaimed smiling. You had come too far and it was time to walk back, towards where you had left Frostfire and Moonshadow tied up âYour grace, may I ask you a question?â
"Yeah"
You opened your mouth to ask him why he was doing all that and why he had suddenly started showing so much interest in you. You wanted to know the reason for his unexpected kindness and his abstinence from activities that werenât very pleasant for you. But before you could speak, you took a moment to observe him. His skin looked paler in the light outside and his silver hair waved in the wind, however, what caught your attention the most was the serene expression on his face.
Although you couldn't say that you knew Aegon, the time you had lived together had shown you that his personality was extremely challenging. If you pointed out that he was being nicer to you and questioned him about it, he would most likely revert to his old behavior towards you simply on a whim. So no, you couldn't ask him about anything or you'd ruin the minuscule part of a good relationship you had managed to build.
âI was thinking... Do you think we can one day bring golden roses to the royal gardens? Green and gold are part of your emblem too and that would beautify the place. I could take care of them, if you want.â
âThat's a good idea,â he exclaimed happily. You had already turned around to return and you calculated that it must be after noon âI will order them to be brought in as soon as possible, in the hope that the hot weather at King's landing will not ruin themâ
âI hope not,â you said, although a little less enthusiastic than before.
You had been lost in thought after the appearance of that question that you did not verbalize and suddenly Aegon feared that he had made some mistake. You walked a few meters in silence, until this state was unbearable for his majesty and he stopped you by holding your shoulders. You were about to ask what had happened when he pulled you against his lips, stealing your breath. It was still a rough kiss, but this time less desperate than before. His hands went down to your waist and held you to his body until there wasnât even a centimeter of distance left, with your belly touching the heat of his stomach.
âStill no signs that you are pregnant?â
You thought that, perhaps, your answer was in that question and that the only thing the man wanted was to convince you to hurry up the matter of producing an heir.
âI'm sorry to say no. It's very unfortunate."
âWe'll have to keep trying,â he said, shrugging his shoulders as if he wanted to downplay the matter âMother insists on it.â
âHas your mother always been like this to you?â
"What are you talking about?"
âIt's just⊠she seems to have everything under control all the time.â
You couldn't be further from the truth and rather than describing it that way Aegon would have said that she was controlling. She wanted to have things under control, but she couldn't and as an example was the eldest prince himself, whom she had never been able to persuade to behave the way he did.
âWell, she is the queen. I guess that's how she must beâ he exclaimed without much encouragement. He was still holding you by the waist and was surprised by how intimate that position was. âBut we better get back, they must be wondering where we areâ
âMaybe they even think I ran away, taking advantage of the fact that you weren't there to watch me,â you joked.
"Would you do it?"
"Do what?"
âRun awayâ
You looked at the man, incredulous, because it was stupid to think that if you were planning to run away you would just tell him like that. That was the characteristic of it, that it was surprising and hidden.
âWhy would I do, your grace?â
âMaybe because I'm a bad husband,â he said quietly. You weren't understanding the game Aegon was playing and it was driving you crazy.
âI wouldn't dare do it. I have nowhere to go and I know I couldn't even get through the doors without your majesty noticing,â you replied.
The prince didnât want pragmatic reasons like that, but rather his question was more aimed at whether it was your will to abandon him.
Against all odds a couple of raindrops began to fall and very soon a storm had already brewed over your head. It was useless to run, but you did it anyway and Aegon held your hand to prevent either of you from falling due to a trip. Somewhere along the way you lost one of your pumps and at this you began to laugh and he, infected by your joy, did the same. It amused you greatly to think of the face the queen would make when she saw you enter the castle, with her eldest son soaked from head to toe and your clothing incomplete. But you also laughed from the joy of feeling so alive in that moment. You felt like a girl playing in the rain and despite the coldness of the falling water, you felt a certain warmth traveling from the tips of your fingers to your chest.
Although he was sure that you were an excellent rider, your husband insisted on taking you on his own horse to avoid any accidents and you agreed without complaint. His body sheltered you all the way to the Red Keep and once there, under the roof, he helped you down from the chair with extreme care. You didn't think he was that strong until you felt him grab your waist and place you on the floor effortlessly.
âAsk the maids to prepare a bath for you, or you will catch a cold,â he said, putting on your back a cloak he had found hanging on one of the walls.
There was the hint of a smile on his face and seeing him behave like this towards you made you feel weird. You almost felt like he was trying to be affectionate with you, even though he wasn't quite succeeding.
âYou should do the same,â you exclaimed softly.
Motivated by the kind moment you had shared, you reached out to brush away the wet hair that had stuck to his face and he shivered at your touch. It was the first time you touched him that way, out of conviction and with care.
âYour majesty, Lord Hand is looking for you. He says he needs to talk to you urgently."
âMy grandfather,â he sighed at you, as if wanting to apologize for the words the guard behind you had just said.
He gave the man Moonshadow's reins and then explained that someone had to go get the horse you had left in the bay, so you assumed your presence there was no longer necessary. You were about to leave when he stopped you, grabbing your arm somewhat roughly and looking at you with a feeling that you couldn't decipher.
âI'll go to your room tonight,â he informed.
You felt a little disappointed by the reality of having to share a bed with him, after so long without having done so, but you were grateful that he was at least warning you.
You nodded your goodbyes and he did the same, forming an unspoken agreement. You thought maybe that was why he had been polite to you, so he could get back under your bed sheets. But there was no point in doing it, he wasn't courting you to win your hand, but you were already his wife and he had made it very clear that he could do with you whatever he wanted.
Still a little confused, you were escorted to your bedroom, where you hoped that a tub with hot water and essences would be enough to appease all those doubts that were growing in you.
FIFTH ACT: LOVE
At some point Aegon would get tired of all this, you were sure. But while that moment arrived, you were thoroughly enjoying all kinds of attention you received from your husband. He kept his promise to bring golden roses for the gardens and although the queen wasnât very happy, in the end they adorned some of the busiest sections of the place. You took that as an act of good faith, so you thought that maybe the thought of repaying him for some of the decency he was showing you wouldn't kill you.
There wasnât a single breakfast that you skipped, except when the prince was required for political matters or had to travel. You were too proud to admit that you had begun to genuinely enjoy his company, as you still had some distrust due to how temperamental the man was. It wasn't all sunshine and flowers, as the young man still had some outbursts that made you fear him and reminded you that this was who you were really talking to.
His drinking habits hadnât changed much, since although he was able to handle it during the first week after that period, it was inevitable that he would go back to his old ways and drink an entire jug of wine in a couple of minutes. With sex it was the same, because he continued to fuck you without signs of care and regularly when he was lost in drink. It amused you to think that perhaps that was the reason why you still didn't carry a child in your womb; that he was too drunk when you tried to be of any use.
However, as your relationship strengthened you could notice slight (you almost swore they were imaginary) changes when having sex. He was no longer as rough towards your body as before and tried to thrust into you a little slower, as if he wanted to lengthen the moment and not just unload into you and sleep like a baby after that. Maybe it was just that the drink made him lethargic, but he had even started seeking your lips in the middle of the act or kissing everything within reach of the skin on your neck. You didn't intend to spend much time analyzing his behavior because for you it already represented a victory that he had stopped hurting you after every time you had sex and, honestly, you didn't want to inquire about it. Once again you thought it was more prudent not to question the prince and simply let him continue behaving that way.
Until one night, things looked different for you.
When you heard your husband open the door, quite late at night, and saw him approach your bed, you knew that the same dynamic of nighttime visits would take place. Aegon, already hard as a rock, would kiss you a few times, undress, order you to undress, and then position on top of you to satisfy himself. Needless to say, under the confidence that being in the dark gave you and your husband's lack of interest, you looked away or concentrated on something else while your martyrdom was carried out. He would finish, lie naked next to you, and then sleep soundly with no memory the next morning of what had happened.
Aegon called your name, just to check that you were awake or otherwise wake you up, and you were surprised to hear that his voice sounded quite normal. He wasn't slurring his words like usual.
"Your grace?" you called back, propping yourself up on your elbows so you could look at him.
He did what was expected and as soon as he was far enough away, he started kissing you. You must have known something was wrong from that first moment, when he grabbed your cheek with his wide hand and offered you the most passionate kiss you had ever had. It is reiterated that Aegon was always somewhat careless in intimacy, but this first contact hadnât felt as impatient as others, but rather was something more careful and planned.
Only one other man had kissed you like that in your life and although the feeling brewing in your chest must have been pleasant, the truth was that it wasn't. You had endured too much abuse from the white-haired man so your body didn't know how to react otherwise. That's why when he continued kissing you for longer than usual and then laid you down meekly, you couldn't do anything but tense uncomfortably.
You were only in your nightgown so there wasn't much difficulty in sliding the straps to the side, almost exposing your tits. Suddenly Aegon lowered his kisses to your neck, where his stubble scratched your skin. Knowing that he would be busy in that area, you turned your head away to focus your gaze on a tapestry on the wall. However, you got a surprise when you felt the prince move away from you and then a bigger one when he took your face between his fingers, placing his index finger and thumb on each of your cheeks to force you to look at him. At first you thought there was anger in his eyes, but after looking at them for a second more you concluded that the feeling was more like that of someone insulted. And why? you asked yourself. What had you done that had offended the prince?
âWhy are you looking away?â
His question had a certain aggressive tone, but, at the same time, he sounded hurt. With that you confirmed that he wasnât drunk or that, if he was, he had drunk just enough to make him feel slightly dizzy. You couldn't tell the way your eyes looked at him, but Aegon interpreted your expression as one of disdain.
Unbeknownst to you, he had his own whirlwind of feelings inside him, one that was driving him crazy and causing him to look you up and down while still holding you. Heâd never been like this on another night, so you were at the mercy of knowing how good or bad that would turn out.
Suddenly he seemed upset, you would even say disgusted, and surprisingly stood up from his position. The cold air hit you where he had been before and you sat on the bed to watch him, completely confused by the way he was behaving.
"What's going on�"
âYou don't want this,â he spoke firmly. It was obvious that you didn't want to and you wondered how he had barely realized it. âNot like that⊠I⊠no. Not this way"
His babbling confused you even more and when you saw him walk away with exaggerated steps until he left through the door, you couldn't help but feel totally amazed.
What was the reason for what your husband had just done?
The feeling of being abandoned was more hopeless than having him fuck you would have been, and for a moment you even felt ashamed. Maybe he didn't like you anymore or he would just go and cure his frustration in the bed of a woman you didn't know.
He had watched you very strangely and the whole scene wasn't like him. You even pinched yourself just to check that it wasn't some strange dream, getting a moan of pain in response to your question. You thought that perhaps you were acting impulsively, but barely a minute later you put on a green robe over your nightgown and headed towards the door, still not knowing exactly what you were going to do.
âWhere are you going, your grace?â the guard on duty asked, putting his voluptuous body in your way.
âPrince Aegon, do you know where he went?â
âIn that direction, your majesty. But I'm afraid I must recommend that you return to your room, it is dangerous to walk around the palace at this time."
âBut I wish to see my husband,â you said firmly.
The man let out a sigh and then slid to the side of the hallway, leaving you a clear path. Even so, when you started walking you felt his footsteps following you because he probably wanted to make sure that something didn't happen to you. You walked for a while, but you knew it was useless when all you found were locked doors that you couldn't knock on and that you couldn't open either. If Aegon was in any of those rooms, you wouldn't know it. Defeated, you returned to your room and, as expected, found it empty again.
The next morning there wasnât a single word about that event, but it was present in your mind throughout the day. You had already lived with him enough to realize that something was bothering him, however, upon noticing that he was less talkative during your usual breakfast, you decided to give him time.
You were about to leave the table when he stopped you, asking you to take your seat again and looking at you seriously.
âI have to travel for a couple of weeks,â he informed you. You were surprised to hear that he almost sounded sad âThe king is required on some business and since my father can no longer travel, I will have to do it.â
âI hope the entire journey is favorable and the visit profitable, your grace,â you exclaimed cordially. However, your husband didnât seem pleased with it.
One of his hands slid to hold yours, with a strength that surprised you. There was urgency in his grip, like he needed to hold on to something.
âIs that all you have to say?â
A couple of wrinkles appeared on your brow, as you clearly weren't understanding what he expected of you. Accompanying him would be reckless and you didn't know if he wanted you to keep him there at King's landing.
During those last months something had changed in the man's face, because those eyes surrounded by purple marks no longer saw you with the same aversion as the first time. And it disheartened Aegon that his attempts to please you were yielding no apparent fruit. He was giving you time, effort, and being kind to you like you had said was necessary, but he still couldn't help but feel that you still considered him a stranger.
He had been patient because he thought that, as time went by, you would begin to seek him out or not shy away from his touch. Aegon cared a lot about the physical, so every time he sneaked into your room he did so with the hope that you would welcome him with open arms and give yourself to him willingly. Countless nights he waited in his own room for you to show up to keep him warm and love him throughout the night. But it never happened and a part of him couldn't blame you either.
However, he was already tired of it. He wanted to make it clear to you that he not only wanted to give, but also receive. But forcing you to do anything would ruin everything; you had to want it.
âHave I said something that offended you, prince?â
âI just thought you would say you were going to miss meâ
A laugh echoed in your throat at those words and for a second Aegon felt hurt, like you were mocking you. He was going to let go of your hand and walk away, insulted, but you squeezed his hand harder as a sign that you didn't want him to do that.
âI'm sorry, I didn't mean to laugh at you. I just didn't think that if I harbored feelings of that kind they would be of interest to your majesty."
âDo you miss me when you don't see me?â he asked now, allowing himself to be vulnerable in front of you âOr are you glad to have me away?â
You didn't know what those direct questions were about, because you didn't expect that a man like him would be plagued by uncertainty about knowing the answers.
âNot at all. I will always be willing to be with you whenever you want.â
âAnd you want to be with me?â he insisted.
âI think that what I want is not importantâ
âBut I'm trying to make it so. I thought I was making it clear enough,â
He was angry, but not for the reasons you might think. It frustrated him that he was trying hard to improve and that your eyes continued to see him like that first time. Too many people were already observing him like that and he thought that, perhaps, since you were the most recent to do it, you could also be the first in whom he could manage to modify it.
You, however, were still too confused by his signs. Sometimes his attitude didnât coincide with the intentions he had, since antipathy was often the only emotion with which he allowed himself to express and feel, accustomed to what he received during all his years of life.
All those months of effort were a direct product of the talk you had had with him, of that moment of weakness in which, instead of ignoring him like everyone else did, you had stayed with him. Aegon was aware that the treatment towards you was sometimes inhumane and he couldnât explain how despite this you had wiped away his tears with such care, expressing nothing more than an act of integrity. Sometimes he even just imposed things on you to see if he could push you to the limit and he was surprised to see that you endured everything with honor and decency. You were good, something he could never be.
He didn't want to hear anything more and then let go of your hand, feeling rejected again.
"MajestyâŠ"
"It's getting late. I have to go feed Sunfyre so he can endure the trip.â
âWill you travel by dragon?â
âHow else would a Targaryen do it?â expressed obviously.
You were silent for a moment and then he stood up, ready to fulfill his obligations. In the afternoon he had already left, without emotional goodbyes or anything like that.
You had those weeks alone to reflect on everything that had been happening. You firmly believed that a cruel and evil person would always be that way, even if they hid it, because humans canât change from one day to the next. Still, you had to allow Aegon the courtesy of admitting that he wasn't being a complete jerk lately.
You tried to think of any unpleasant moments with him during that week and although you found a couple, you realized that they had all been because of minor arguments or simply that one of the two of you had woken up in a bad mood. The hatred for the boy had been so ingrained in you that now it was difficult to decipher how much of it was due to things that were really happening and how much of it was a resentment carried from the past, at the beginning of that harmful relationship that existed between you.
He was no longer a mean man to you, he just sometimes had those logical slips for anyone who has never been taught to love. He didn't know how to care for you, how to talk to you, or even how to touch you properly. He had always existed alone and could still be seen reflected in his incessant desire for you to be the one to look for him, in his longing to know that you would miss him during his absence and in wanting you to look forward to his return. He wanted you to pay attention to him. He needed it.
One fine afternoon the vision of Sunfyre finally appeared in the bright blue of the sky, with you watching from the huge window of your room. He looked majestic, flying deftly and confidently with the rider above him grinning from ear to ear. Aegon had once confessed to you that he loved to fly on his dragon and he spoke about it with a devotion that completely touched you.
You thought about going to look for him, grateful that he had returned, but you were afraid that your presence would bother him or, in that case, that there would be murmurs about you. You didn't want to seem like a desperate wife so you thought it would be best to look for him at dinner time and in case he wanted to see you before, you stayed in your room all afternoon.
Once night fell, you put on one of your prettiest dresses and went to the royal dining room hoping to find him there, but it was in vain. Luckily one of the cooks had seen him and he told you that he was in his room, since he had ordered that something to eat and drink be brought there.
Determined, you made your way there and took a moment before entering. You hoped that the time away from King's landing had not hardened your lover's character, because it would be a shame to waste what you had built for some time and have to start over, or not do it at all, which would be even worse. Since there were no guards at the door, you were able to push the wood without any hindrance and then you saw it.
Aegon was sitting near the fireplace, his back to the entrance and leaning against a table that had a jug that you assumed was full (or not so full anymore) of wine. When he heard your footsteps he turned slightly and when he saw you, he kept a serene expression on his face.
âHey,â he exclaimed quietly.
âThe maids informed me that you were hereâ you explained and he nodded.
You noticed that he no longer wore his black doublet with the Targaryen emblem, he only kept the breeches of the same color and a mint-colored linen shirt that left part of his chest exposed. His white hair had some natural curls that fell delicately over her shoulders.
âYeah. I don't feel like seeing my parents.â
âI understandâ you assumed that if he hadn't wanted to see you he wouldn't have hesitated to tell you, so you approached him. Undecided whether you should greet him with a kiss or just stay to the side, you placed your hands on his shoulders and leaned a little to look at him âHow was the trip?â
âIt was good,â he responded with reluctance. âBut my body feels completely crushedâ
âHm. It showsâ you whispered, amused. The tension in his body was palpable and that's why you began to massage him, pressing hard just where he needed it. Aegon, feeling your skilled hands doing this, let out a satisfied grunt and leaned his head back with his eyes closed.
Doing that wasnât something you had planned when you went there, it had only happened out of the heat of the moment and the reality that your husband's body was taking its toll on him for the hours he had spent riding his dragon.
With each passing second Aegon's burden felt lighter and lighter, wondering where you had learned those movements and how your hands were strong enough to exert the right pressure.
"Feel better?" you asked kindly and he nodded immediately, eyes still closed.
Suddenly one of your hands slid lower, towards his chest, to caress him. This time your fingers were light as feathers, sending an electrical current up and down the man's spine under your touch. No whore had ever touched him like that, with that force and at the same time so delicately.
But it was clear that you were not a whore. You were his wife.
âCome here,â he said firmly, reaching out to wrap his hand around your wrist and pulling you directly into his lap.
It was extremely painful to admit that he had missed you. He was physically frustrated because he hadn't dared to take any other woman in your absence. It had been a long time since he had frequented pleasure houses, since his appetite was awakened only by being with you.
What the hell had you done to him?
âThe cook told me that you ordered some food, but I only see wine around here. Have you already eaten anything?â
âMhmm,â he said absently. Your legs dangled to the side and one of his hands came up to your face, brushing your loose hair away from it. The other one surrounded you until it planted itself firmly on your belly. âStill no signs of anything?â
âHonestly, I don't know. The maesters canât say with certainty⊠I am sorryâ
âWhat if you are sterile?â the mere possibility of it made you nervous and you wondered what your fate would be if that was the case. Aegon didn't look so worried âWhat a disappointment for Alicent.â
You didn't know how to take that, because on the one hand it could be that your husband was amused by the irony of the matter and on the other hand it was that he would never have wanted to have children with you. For a moment you thought that the tranquility of the environment had been fragmented by this, but it turned out that the man couldn't care less. He was completely focused on your lips, almost as if hypnotized.
âI trust that is not the case, your grace. Just⊠it was a streak of bad luck.â
âI guess so,â he murmured nonchalantly. He was still watching your mouth when you spoke âBut now I donât care much about that.â
He carefully grabbed you by the back of your neck and brought you closer to shorten the distance, giving you an eager kiss that took your breath away. The hand that was on your waist pulled you closer to his body, leaving practically no separation between you and him. You could feel the desperation on his lips and in his touch, like he was eager to make you his. And at the same time, he was kissing you like he had never done before: it was sweet, yearning, passionate. You felt like he really wanted you.
He separated from you so you could breathe and, as best he could, he maneuvered to lift your body until he placed you on the table, where it was easier for him to place himself in the space between your legs. You instinctively placed your hands around his neck and wrapped one of your legs around his body.
âI longed for you. These weeksâ you finally confessed. You heard him, and felt him, breathe more erratically at this because your words had fallen on him with the force of an axe.
From there, Aegon acted solely driven by the feeling of knowing that you had wanted to see him as much as he had wanted to see you.
His entire body leaned over you to kiss you, with the same urgency as at the beginning. While he did that he grabbed you by the lower back, pulling you until your body collided with his crotch which, if it wasn't already hard, wouldn't take long.
His kisses were clumsy due to urgency and after a while he moved away from your mouth to descend to your neck. Sometimes he left a kiss or two, at most, but this time he seemed to want to take his time. His tongue ran all over your skin, freshly washed, and he spread caresses without restraint. Every place the dragon's lips touched lit up with fire and his hips grinding against you weren't doing much for the blush on your cheeks. Inevitably you began to sigh from so many stimuli, right at the level of his ear, which only motivated him to continue.
As best he could he pulled the laces on the back of your dress and it didn't take long to get rid of the restraints. He slid one of your sleeves over your shoulder to begin kissing that section, the same way he had done with your neck. An indiscreet moan escaped you as your husband bit into your soft flesh and you could feel him smile against your skin.
âYou're mine, right?â he sighed brokenly. You had tilted your head back to give him more space and he took the opportunity to lower the entire torso of your dress. âOnly mineâŠâ
With the same devotion he took care of your breasts and you couldn't do anything but continue alternating between sighs and some muffled moans. You could feel how he longed for you, eager to be able to kiss every inch of your skin even if it took him the entire night. Suddenly your body had become a temple, an object worthy of worship. The prince continued to distribute kisses that each time descended towards your belly, until with one hand he violently threw everything that was on the table and you ended up lying completely on it. Then he walked away.
You were about to ask what had happened when he took care of taking off your ballerina flats and throwing them somewhere far away in the room, only to stretch your leg up to the height of his torso to start kissing it. No one, not even him, had ever done that to you, so it was natural for you to be dismayed. His kisses moved quickly up your thigh and once he did that, he dropped to his knees in front of you. The skirt of your dress blocked your view and when you tried to get up something made you scream. Aegon had bitten into the tender flesh of your thighs, quite close to your crotch and with more force than he had hit your shoulder. You could only imagine his face when he carefully licked the mark he had surely left on you, once again making your chest exhale a moan.
What he did next and the sensation it caused, you could never have even imagined. That mouth, which most of the time was used for ironic puns and sloppy kisses, was now taking expert care of all of your pussy. Aegon was devouring you completely, touching just where it was necessary to make you squirm on the table. He wasn't careful at all; it was a touch hungry and extremely dirty.
You wanted to hold on as much as you could to keep yourself attached to reality, but it was difficult with your husband eating you like that. One of his arms wrapped around your leg and placed it over his shoulder, probably to give him better access. You had never moaned like that in his presence and it only made him harder and harder beneath the tight fabric of his breeches.
The pleasure was barely getting to your head when he stopped and a dissatisfied grunt escaped you shamelessly. Aegon laughed unabashedly at this, pleased at the control he had gained over you, and then went up again to kiss you hungrily. You couldn't do anything but welcome his salty lips and you moaned against him as he leaned against your body and you could feel his crotch, not knowing if it was your own wetness or his that was present.
He held you from behind and, without stopping kissing you, carried you until he placed you on the bed. You considered it somewhat unfair that your husband already had you trembling beneath him and still hadn't taken off a single piece of clothing, but your complaints were silenced when he hurriedly pulled his shirt over his head and took off his breeches in record time. In the same way, he pulled your dress towards your legs so that a second later it ended up on the floor, along with everything else.
He knelt down on the mattress and spread your legs roughly, lining himself up with your entrance. He began to rub the tip of his member up and down your already wet center and that did nothing but drive you crazy again.
When a delicate, pleading, «please» escaped your swollen lips, Aegon knew it was more stimulating to have you begging for him than to worry about only satisfying himself.
He played with you for a while longer, smiling from ear to ear at the sight of his delicate, pretty wife vibrating from having him close, until he finally plunged into you. For the first time there was enough wetness in you that the stroke felt satisfying rather than painful and both of you let out a delicious moan.
He set the pace, slow at first, but after a while his movements became more desperate. He wanted to get to the core of you, he wanted to fill you completely so you knew that only he could make you feel that way. When his body began to ache he leaned towards you, resting each of his arms on the side of your head and looking directly at you. You had stopped looking away from him, now you were looking at him with your mouth open with pleasure, your eyes watery and your pupils dilated on your completely flushed cheeks.
âAegon,â you sobbed pathetically, clouded by everything you were experiencing and proving that it wasn't long before you reached your orgasm.
You had never called him by his name. You always referred to him as «your grace», «prince» or «husband», at best. So hearing his name come out of your lips like that, under those circumstances, was too much for him to bear.
Knowing that he couldn't last much longer, one of his hands moved down to rest his thumb on your clit and once there he began to make erratic circles. You closed your eyes, completely seized by pleasure and a couple more thrusts were enough to make you lose the battle. Hearing your whimpers, combined with the way your walls squeezed him, was enough to make him cum too. With trembling legs you felt the warm liquid filling you and, for the first time, it was comforting.
When Aegon plopped down next to you, you immediately missed his body warmth. Both of you were breathing heavily, trying to catch the breath that the orgasm had taken from you. You could clearly feel your heartbeat bouncing off your bare chest and the stinging sensation coming from your crotch and running through your entire body was something you could get used to. Your hair had stuck to your face from the sweat and not to mention your lips, which you felt were burning from your husband's attention.
Aegon had already had many orgasms in his life so this time he decided to turn his gaze a little to see you enjoying yours. The mere idea that he was responsible for your condition made him completely shake.
âYou look beautiful,â he blurted out suddenly. You thought he had heard wrong because of the rush, but from the way he was smiling at you, you highly doubted it. âJust like thatâ
âLike what?â
âFreshly fucked. Well fuckedâ he corrected himself.
A laugh bubbled up from within you and you blushed even more, if that was possible, perhaps from the nerves and elation of what had just happened. The man stood up a little from his seat and leaned down to kiss you, although this time he did it with a calm and affection that you never thought you would see in him. It was just that he couldn't deny it anymore; from that moment on he would become an open book for you, where you could see all his feelings, desires and fears.
âI don't know why you're doing this,â you suddenly murmured and Aegon pulled away enough to look at you âAnd I don't know why you've been acting like this these past few months. But I like it. I think it's a good time for you to know."
âYou said I could choose who I am,â he said meekly. One of his hands grabbed your chin and stole another fleeting kiss from you. âI haven't forgotten, every word is present in my head. It's just... sometimes it's hard. And I thought I would have a better chance with you, even with the things I did to you when we got marriedâ
You smiled at him and were happy to know that the change in his behavior was because of the talk you once had with him. If he continued like this, ignoring the demons inside him and trying to be better, then your marriage had a chance to become more than just a condemnation.
Driven by the pleasant feeling growing in your chest you reached out towards him to reward him with a kiss. The man's breath hitched when you pushed him to the side and reversed roles, now you being the one pampering him while he was lying down. There was a playful glint in your husband's eyes as you looked at him.
âDo you know this is the first time you kissed me?â he exhaled softly.
You couldn't believe that was possible and for a few seconds you tried to remember so you could contradict him. But every time you remembered you realized that it was always him who initiated the contact to which you only responded, so, effectively, it was the first kiss you gave him out of conviction.
Maybe it was an omen that something good was coming.
Still happy with how everything had turned out, you snuggled into his side, your head resting on his chest while he hugged you and threw a sheet over your bodies. You planted a hand on his bare skin and began drumming your fingers, alternating with small circles made with the greatest delicacy.
You were silent for a long time, you even thought that your husband had fallen asleep until you heard him speak again:
âIt's also the first time I'm doing this.â
âAre you talking about sex, your grace?â
âNo, I'm talking about cuddling,â he confessed softly, his hand caressing your back the same way you did with him, âAnd don't call me your majesty anymore. I am Aegon. Or my prince, at any rate. But my is importantâ
With the affection worthy of a wife, you raised your head to place a kiss on his cheek and assured him that from now on you would call him that in the privacy of your chambers.
Suddenly, after another moment of silence, Aegon pulled you close to him as if afraid you were going to suddenly evaporate. Intending to calm his fears, you climbed until you were on top of his body, hiding your head in his neck so that the distance became minimal.
There was silence for another couple of minutes.
âDo you think I can ever be forgiven?â
Apparently the atmosphere of the moment had managed to soften the boy's heart.
âWe can all be absolved, Aegon.â
"And you?"
"Me what?"
âDo you think you can ever love me?â you were quiet for a second, thinking about your response. Then, he added âOr could you at least try? It would be a nice detail for me. No one has ever done it before.â
Not wanting to ruin the mood with a false word you decided to kiss his neck gently and that was enough of an answer for him. He would have to trust in your goodwill and that he could continue to restrain his impulses to keep this newly discovered gem that was his wife. With some luck you could even be that person he prayed for so much all his life, one with whom he could feel safe.
The slowing of the man's breathing revealed to you that he had already fallen asleep and you discovered that it seemed not so bad to find yourself in that position, sheltered by your lover's arms.
Under that scenario, the idea of eventually loving Prince Aegon Targaryen no longer sounded so far-fetched.
#aegon targaryen x reader#aegon the second#aegon targaryen x you#aegon targaryen x fem!reader#aegon targaryen x female reader#aegon targaryen#aegon x you#aegon x reader#aegon x y/n#house of the dragon#hotd#hotd x reader#hotd fanfic#house of the dragon fanfic#aegon targaryen fanfic#aegon targaryen fic#aegon ii targaryen
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êŠê· đ đ đ please you ÂĄ
pairing perv!rafe x stepmom!reader
summary Rafe feels the need to please you after he discovers his father wasn't sexually satisfying you, taking it for granted to fulfill his own filthy desires.
warnings smut, stepcest, p in v, unprotected sex, cheating, creampies, dirty talk, degrading, rafe is 1-2yrs younger than you, ward (he needs his own warning) wc; 1.3k
a/n this is so dirty bahhh my apologies if its bad i dont usually write stuff like this
Had you known Rafe visiting would result in you bent over his desk as he thrusted his hips into your soaking cunt; you would not have felt guilty, because fuck, did his throbbing cock feel amazing inside you.Â
You couldn't resist him, driven over the edge every time his gaze would land on you, brazenly undressing you with his eyes, and the way his hold would linger around your hip when he's passing by, his lips ghosting over your ear causing shivers to run down your spine, clearly marking his territory, and letting you know he wanted you, just as bad as you did.Â
Guilt couldn't capture the extent of how you felt, overwhelming you whole every time you touched yourself to the thought of him, with your own husband next to you, whom you clearly had no feelings for, your marriage a mere contract you agreed on for the money offered.Â
It was still wrong, though, with tension seeping through every time he's in your presence. Whether it was him walking around with merely his shorts on, or the way his shirt would cling to his chest after a hefty work out session. The smell of sweat mixed with his musky cologne would fill your nostrils, intoxicating your senses and fuzzing your brain all over. You did everything in your power not to be affected by the subtle touches, and his foot as it crept up your leg from beneath the table, the gesture casual, yet deliberate.
You could only tolerate so much, giving in when he swept past you, the tint in his pants gliding over your ass, hinting nothing but the lust and despair he felt for you. That was the only sign you needed, colliding your lips with his in an eager kiss that spoke for your forbidden desires. Â
Now, here you were, a few doors down from Ward's room, getting fucked senseless by his own son.Â
Rafe bucked his hips inside you, his thrusts growing sloppy with how wet you were around him, your skin colliding with his covering over your desperate moans.Â
"Look at you, such a fucking slut, so desperate for my cock." He whispered, bending down until his lips ghosted over your ear, still keeping up with the rhythm of his hips, as he stuffed your soaking cunt with his cock. "Is my dad not pleasing you, huh? Is that why you're so fucking wet for me? Offering yourself to me like a fucking whore?"Â
His words were like music to your ears, muffled whines and whimpers scooping out of your parted lips when his arm slid around your tits, rolling your nipple between his fingers, desperately seeking the pleasure he fucked out of you.
"Rafeee," you moaned, throwing your head back when he pressed you close to his broad chest, the fraction sending you spiraling as your back arched against him, chasing after the overwhelming pleasure, wanting nothing but for him to thrust deeper into you.Â
While you did feel culpable for cheating, Ward never made an effort to please you, leaving you hanging once he finished his business. But Rafe, on the other hand, the boy did everything in his power to make you feel good, aiming for your weak spot and making you crumble from beneath him.Â
"There you go, keep fucking moaning my name," He panted in your ear, squeezing the flesh plump of your ass, spreading it with his large digits to get a better view of your pussy, now drenched with your juices, mixed with Rafeâs precum. "Fuck, you're so wet for me, huh? You know how long I've been waiting for this? All the times I held myself back from bending you over the counter n' fuckin' you right there in there."Â
Your eyes forced shut at the confession, overstimulated by how good his cock felt inside you, pulsing in and out of your dripping cunt. Rafe hissed when you clenched around him, chasing after the fraction, slightly taken aback by the action, as you let him do most of the work till now.Â
"Fuck, âthat feel good?" he grunted into your ear, pulling you off the desk, until your flesh was directly flushed against his hot, sweat soaked torso. One of his hands trailed down to your heat, flicking your clit with his fingers, the patterns he rubbed to your nub making you grow sensitive under his touch, instantly crumbling in his hold. "God, you're such a fucking mess, does your husband know how pathetic you are, desperate for my cock inside you?"Â
"Rafe," you inaudibly gasp, fingers clutching to the arm wrapping low around your waist, merely to hold you in place. âFuck, fuck, fuckkk.âÂ
âWhat is it, baby?â He hushed out, trailing wet, open-mouthed kisses to the side of your neck, nibbling on the skin to get a reaction out of you. âTell me what you want, âwanna make you feel good.â
Rafeâs thumb pressed to your bottom lip, using your parted lips as an opportunity to slip his fingers in your mouth. A ragged breath escaped his throat, welcoming the sensation of your hot spit coating his digits, letting his eyes fall shut as he enjoyed the warmth of your tongue swirling over his fingers.Â
âI'm so fuckinâ close.â You barely muffled out, nails digging into his arm. âFuck Iâm about to come.âÂ
Your climax built up, indicating that you were close with everytime Rafeâs hips rolled inside you, hitting your sweet spot over and over again.Â
âCome around my cock, baby.â He ordered, sinful words pushing down the guilt filling up your chest. âWanna fuck you âtil youâre no longer able to speak.âÂ
You came undone as Rafe bucked his hips into you, trembling underneath him while he continued pumping his cock in and out of you, walking you through your pleasure, and his growing climax.Â
âFuckinâ hell,â he groaned when your ass pressed against the low of his stomach, leaning over the desk, and silently offering your doused cunt to him. You looked over your shoulder, mouth parting in a desperate moan as you muttered your next words.Â
âFinish inside me,â you mumbled, making the latter slightly halt at your command. âPlease.âÂ
âYou sure?â He shot back, your begging causing his cock to pulse inside you, insanely turned on by the thought of coming inside you, and creating a hell of a mess out of your hole, with his cum dripping from your entrance.
âMhm,â you hummed, slightly embarrassed as you continued. âDo it, please.âÂ
Truth be told, you preferred using a condom, not liking how Ward felt inside you, insisting he utilizes one every time you had sex. Therefore, your confession was slightly insane, though it wasn't a lie; you wanted Rafe to fuck you raw, fill up your insides with his cum.Â
âOh, so thatâs what this is about.â Rafeâs lips tugged into a smug smirk, amused by how flustered you grew. âYou want me to finish inside you? âWant me to fill your pretty pussy with my cum, hmm?âÂ
For someone younger than you (a year or two), Rafe sure knew what to say, talking you through it, his words making you even more turned on, though you just finished.Â
His thrusts grew rough and sloppy, as he fucked you through his orgasm, fastening his pace while his mouth gaped with pleasure, approaching his high with each time he bucked his hips into you.Â
Rafe rolled his hips into your cunt, hitting your cervix with his cock as he released inside you, painting your walls white with his cum. His head fell back, letting the warmness of his sperm fill up your hole, making your brain fuzz all over. Â
âFuck, that was amazing.â Rafe started, letting himself recover from the rush of adrenaline pumping through his veins. âI love your pussy, baby, donât think this will be the last time weâll be doing this.âÂ
And how could you resist Rafe Cameron, even though this was wrong, forbidden to the outside?Â
It could be your dirty little secret, your only escape from reality, and the hell you just created out of your future.Â
#rafe cameron#rafe cameron x reader#rafe cameron x you#rafe cameron x y/n#rafe cameron smut#rafe cameron fluff#rafe obx#drew starkey#outer banks#outer banks smut
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How i mastered the art of persisting & how yall can too
hello my luvs, lemme tell u, its been a rlly eventful last 2 weeks in terms of me undergo a drastic shift in my mindset and WHEWWWWW, i thought it was time to share with yall
storytime
this past year i told myself i would adopt a strict mental diet where i wouldn't let doubts stop me or anything and lemme tell you, it was such a rocky road. There would be periods of me affirming that i was a master shifter, seek validation from the 3D and then start dwelling in my old state again. This cycle of giving up continued until i came across these posts. I then deeped how i've been overcomplicating manifesting & shifting to the point where i would give up so easily on my new states because "persisting was too hardâ when it rlly wasn't. Anyways, lemme share my favourite tips & advice i learnt.
THE ADVICE & TIPS
stop associating emotions w/ states
Once i stopped associating me doubting, being frustrated, etc with my state, i found stuff x10000 EASIER!! I be affirming when i'm sad/frustrated because my emotions do NAWT define me. If something happens in my life, i allow myself to acknowledge it then i affirm on loop that "everything gets better" and the very fact i am a master manifestor.
manifesting will exist whether u like it or not
whenever i feel like "giving up", i remember that no matter if i "give up" on my desires or not, the law of assumption will still operate in the same principle of dominant thoughts materialising ur reality. So that really made me think, why would i not take advantage of knowing about the loa and manifesting everything i want? Like once you find out about the law of assumption, there is no turning back so u might aswell utilise it.
you can never lose your "manifestation powers"
Sometimes i be having thoughts "what if i lose my manifestation powers" and its like?? i will always be able to manifest easily & so will you. You can never "lose" the ability to manifest. Its a LAW. Meaning you will always be able to do it
pick a staple affirmation & loop it no matter what
After utilising robotic affirming, i've felt so much more FULFILLED then i ever did. Trust me when i say, pick one affirmation (e.g. "i am a master shifter") and keep affirming through your doubts, random thoughts, etc. Litreally when you deep it, affirming is basically thinking and thinking is super duper easy. So picking one affirmation and continuously repeating it is so easy even when you feel like your having sm doubts (trust me, once u get in the habit of js affirming, things feel sm easier).
you don't need to believe to manifest
Before some of yall come at me, lemme tell yall something. When i got more serious about the loa this year, i overconsumed a sh!t ton of loa content stating in order to manifest your desires and it made me feel so frustrated whenever i felt doubts/overwhelmed when affirming for my desire. The belief bit will follow natrually while persisting, dont focus on beliving in ur manifestation, keep repeating you have it & your belief of it will feel more natrual as you keep repeating it (if that makes sense)
the 3D isn't the end, keep persisting
I made a post about this but to keep it short & simple, your 3D circumstances aren't permanent. Just because you may be experiencing the opposite of what you want in the 3D, doesn't mean it will stay like that forever and your manifestation "won't work". Keep affirming bb <3
okie that's it for the post <3 i'll probs make a pt2 if i got anymore advice?? but hope yall liked it ;3
#loassblog#loassumption#shifting blog#shifting community#desired reality#reality shifting#shifters#shifting antis dni#law of assumption#dolliecoded
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Growing up with a gender non conforming mother literally saved me. She never wore makeup, she rarely shaved, she had short hair, she always put comfort first when choosing clothes, she never cared for skincare or anti-aging products in fact sheâs proud of her wrinkles, she was a âthese are signs of a fulfilling lifeâ mother not a retinol at 15 mother, she was a âeat whatever you wantâ mother not a âare you gonna eat all that?â mother, she was openly against plastic surgery, she stood up for her beliefs, she never let men talk down to her or belittle her, she was always down for a debate etc.
It didn't dawn on me until I got older that this wasn't 'normal'. That not everyoneâs mother was like that. I rarely felt pressure to conform to patriarchal gender stereotypes because I didnât grow up with one as a role model. In fact the only times I started to feel as though I should conform to âfemininityâ was when I started integrating more into wider society and less in the comfort of my home. (Social media, friendships etc)
When I was a kid, I took it for granted, but now I see how blessed I was to be raised by a mother like that, and I see how much my friends and women online are struggling to accept themselves in totality, in their natural and unapologetic form. Since I was born, I thought it was totally normal for women to be like that ⊠because it should be.
#feminism#4b#intersectional feminism#radical feminism#misogny#radblr#wlw#radical feminist community#radical feminist safe#radical feminst#radical feminists do interact#gnc#gnc lesbian#gnc women#gnc woman#misandry#fuck the patriarchy#witches vs patriarchy#smash the patriarchy#femicide
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Comforting Your Batboy
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Danny slept next to Dick for a few days after what happened. He no longer felt secure about his place here. No matter where you go you take yourself with you and Danny is the problem here yet again.
Danny didn't understand affection, at least not the kind that a parent gave. The moment Danny told Dick that his parents were scientists Richard understood. Gotham had seen dozens of scientists who pushed the boundaries of morality and there was no shortage of children used to fulfill their ambitions.
Danny still missed his parents. Regardless of how things ended, he had lived his entire life with a family unit that on paper meant life was stable. He had somewhere to go and people who at least acknowledged him as family. Parents that took care of him at least out of obligation.
This story sounded familiar. Like Jason who never stopped loving his mom despite everything or Tim who accepted his neglect as what it was. They didn't know what it was like to have parents that loved them like they should. Dick was lucky to have the parent he had.
Danny remembered quiet dinners as his parents rushed to finish the food that Jazz made or them going on long tirades about their research. For 12 years they devotedly worked on that portal. Every chance they got they'd run off to the basement. Because it was their life's work, the only thing that mattered.
When it was unveiled, Jazz only scoffed. She hated the portal. Dad looked to Danny for praise and Danny didn't know what to say.
"Isn't it just the greatest thing you've ever seen?" Dad put his hand around Danny's shoulder.
"Well...its definitely a thing." Danny laughed awkwardly.
Danny had hoped that when the portal finished it would mean he'd spend time with his parents. Maybe they'd give him more than a passing glance when he brought them his report card. He could share with them his dreams and plans to be an astronaut. Show them the stars and all his research. To prove to them that he was a scientist too.
But that didn't happen. None of that would ever happen.
Jazz warned him not to hope for too much.
"People don't change Danny." She said simply.
Danny still tried. He still hoped. That hope made him try.
That hope killed him.
Danny never told Dick the specifics, about the accident. Dick never pried, but he knew something wasn't right.
Danny would cry in his sleep some nights. Dreams of a life that was far away now. Dick couldn't do much, all he could do was hold Danny's hand and wait for the nightmare to pass in hopes that Danny would forget his dream when he opened his eyes.
Danny's body was scarred. Something he used his powers to cover but they were still there and appeared when the stress got too much. Dick only saw a small part of them.
Dick got a full view once of Danny's back once when Dick left him a change of clothes. Lichtenberg scars like feathered ferns ripped through Danny's left arm and back. Danny hated it when people saw his scars and the marks disappeared the moment he realized he was being watched.
Dick didn't mention it. Not even the faint green glow the marks gave off.
"Why does Batman hate me?" Danny asked peeking out from under his blanket. He was still shrunk down
Dick bundled the toddler up in the blanket.
"He doesn't hate you. He just...he doesn't like things he doesn't understand." Dick tried to not make that sound awful.
"He doesn't understand me." Danny sighed.
"And he doesn't have to. He won't do anything to you. Not with me around. I promise. I know you've been hurt before and you must have felt alone but you got me." Dick ruffled his little fuzzball's hair.
(Ignore small errors. Have bat picture.)
#dc x dp#dpxdc#danny fenton#danny phantom#dc x dp prompt#dp x dc prompt#nightwing#batman#dick grayson#bruce wayne
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