#but I don't get to remember what it felt like anymore

[zorilleerrant]

"You consider me your priestess?" the girl - the old woman, now, but you can still see her rosy cheeks the first time she came to visit you - asks you. It's hard to determine her tone of voice. She doesn't sound offended, at least, although she also doesn't sound like she believes you're a god. That, at least, is expected.

You wave your hand vaguely. You didn't get the gesture quite right, but humans always change their body language, and it's been too long since you needed to be human for anything. "It's not that you are. But you're the closest I've had in generations, and I would mark you one, if you want me to." You sit, casually, on a bench that wasn't there a moment before, hoping she'll do the same.

The old woman eyes it suspiciously. She's been here for every birthday since she found the place, and many informal days besides, and she knows there was never a bench here. Still, with a weary sigh, she sits beside you. "I'd like that, I think. I never had the test scores to join any of the big priesthoods. Get one over on them, a little bit." She laughs, and her teen years, writing scathing takedowns of theological papers, come back into view for a moment.

You touch her hand. There's a spark of magic. You don't need to, you never used to, but humans are more skeptical these days, and even your most devoted follower doesn't remember the old ways.

For a moment fleeting even by her standards, you wonder if she might have brought them back. But the fishing town isn't what it once was, and no one much makes the hike up here anymore, save curious children and nostalgic adults.

"Do you want me to do anything?" your priestess asks you, a wry smiling wrinkling the still plump curve of her cheeks. "Carry a sign, maybe? Rush into the town and curse their names for not giving you your due respect? I can do a mean scolding these days."

You laugh, hand still resting over hers. "If you like." The idea of her running among the fishmongers, giving over amulets with every sale, making rude gestures when they're refused, is incomparable. The only thing she really needs is The Book, though. You fold open your altar, the way she's done so many times, and bring out the box she admired enough to start polishing gently when she came to visit, telling you about her travels and her art.

"Oh, you again," your priestess says, in delight, laying a delicate hand on the smooth wood. "I learned woodworking and inlay because of you, you little scamp." When she draws her fingers down the sides, this time, the box opens, with a click she can barely hear. Her ears aren't what they once were. Her gasp is the same as it ever was, though, and she taps The Book reverently.

"I never had many rules, even back in the beginning," you tell her, opening the cover so she knows it's safe. "What ones I had don't matter so much, I think - although I'd ask you to be careful where you summon storms, if you try it." You don't know if she has the power for that, anymore. She delved deep into magic in her mid-life crisis, but you've rarely seen her use it since, and you don't know if hers has waned or blossomed in her twilight years.

She looks over the spells. She can read the annotations, still, at least. "It's a lot of power for one person." She flexes her fingers, summoning wisps of what might be the core of some major working, if she concentrated a little harder. "Would you mind if I taught these to people? Not to join your priesthood, mind, just so there could be a little more magic in the world."

You pause. You should have considered that. Many of your siblings have left their words and their magics to the world as their respect faded away, and even more have begun recovery as lost arts. You didn't know your priestess was a teacher. You knew she'd taught a few times, when the calling struck her, but never that she felt the need in her heart. "Of course," you say. The spells are mostly weak now, you think. The time for hiding them is long past. If there's something in there that can help, so be it.

She grins at you. Her teeth are still hardy, and the candlelight flashes pleasingly against them. "Of course you'd mind, or of course you wouldn't? Don't give me any loopholes, now, Your Divinity," she laughs at her own joke, the way she started doing when she broke free of childish attempts at maturity, but still, she waits for your answer, taking your hand in hers again.

"Share them however you'd like," you tell her, knowing that it means she'll record it down to scans and recreations, "the knowledge within is yours." It's clear she'll get years of delight out of it. You don't know how much she might change the world of the handful of enthusiasts she chooses to work with her. It's a nice bookend for a life full of adventure, you think, a discovery like that.

She kisses the book, gently, on the gilded cover. Then, almost as an afterthought, she kisses your cheek as well. "Thank you," she says. Then she opens it again, absorbed in the pages, well past when the evening grows dark. You keep the candles burning higher for her, so she never has to stop her perusal. It's soothing, to watch a priestess once again hard at work. She looks up. "Is this the gift?"

"What?" you ask, caught off guard. Even through all your disciples, you never managed to learn which times connect to each other in the mind of a human. You'd thought that question long forgotten, and hadn't planned on answering right now.

"The gift you said you wanted to give me. Is The Book the gift?" she asks, in confusion. Books are wonderful, powerful things, of course, but they aren't secret. Hidden, often, and protected, and sometimes held to only the most intimate of worshipers, but they're nothing unexpected, not for a deity to give.

You lean back on the bench you never rose from, and wonder if you should bring in desks for those she plans to teach. "No. I was going to offer you your choice of afterlife, when the time comes." You watch her as she frowns. You wonder if she already has an answer in mind. You wonder if she knew since she was knee high with a scraped arm, or since she was a teenager bent on escaping her classmates, or since she was learning to grow and just choosing her passion. She just looks at you, not answering.

Then, weary minutes later - weary for her, where each night brings aches the day didn't; you're happy to wait - she asks, almost rudely, "not soon, I hope?" Her chin juts out as it used to.

"Not so soon for you," you say, thoughtfully, "although too soon for me, I must admit."

She nods, still cradling The Book carefully. "I thought, once you'd made me your priestess, I'd end up going where all your servants go," she says, sounding, of all thing, patient about it. You don't know how much she knows about your afterlife. You've never discussed it with her. Even when you were popular, once, that was never much of the details that caught people's eye.

"Normally only monks go there," you say, not that you'd discourage her, if she wanted to stay always by your side. "It's a place for quiet contemplation, mostly. Even of my priesthood, only the ones who valued their silence ever stayed." You can see her, in a long gown, roaming the halls in a circle, thinking. You can't see her enjoying it for more than a short time.

"You'd have to send me away," she says, ruefully. Then she pauses to think. "You won't pick for me? I can pick?"

Still, you think, she might have you picking her home, anyway. So many of yours did. Even the ones who earned the highest honors left everything in your hands, and here she is a priestess of moments only, ready to upset everything. Or nothing, if you ask her not to. You close her hands around The Book again.

"Think on it," you say, and wait for next year.

While other god's shrines are magnificent, yours is a bit too humbling. And yet a little girl visits you every year after stumbling upon it, never missing a year even as she grows old. Deeply moved, you decide to give her a parting gift greater than what any other God would dare to give.

[landonorrisscar]

Confessions ~ Harry Lewis

summary: A video of you and Harry at Vikk’s wedding went viral and the rest of the boys are questioning you guys about it.

word count: 1k +

this is my first fic, so please be nice! 😊🫶

You and harry were sat across from each other getting questioned by the other sidemen about the rumors going around about you two fancying each other.

This came after a video of drunk harry and you dancing at vikks wedding went viral on TikTok.

The sidemen had decided to make a video about the rumours and to find out more about what had exactly happened, the infamous night 2 months ago. You and Harry hadn’t properly seen you since as you have been avoiding him trying to hide your feelings.

“Honestly guys, it's not that deep.” you thought trying to get this over and done with as soon as possible seen as though you don’t exactly want your personal life to be exposed on the internet.

JJ chuckled as he looked at the others who were trying to control their grins, he looked back at you, still amused as he questioned you, "not that deep, huh? The entire internet went crazy when that video came out".

Simon nodded in agreement while tobi, vikk and josh tried to control their laughter.

“Yeah so? It's the internet they don't know anything” you explain as there insistent questions were starting to annoy you, along with Harry’s silence.

Ethan looked confused, "but you were drunk and dancing with Harry all night and Faith swore that you too snuck off early". As he finished his sentence, Simon started laughing as tobi and josh snickered and vikk shook his head.

“Harry always gets like that when he's drunk”, thinking back to the countless times Harry held your hand when drunk and completely forgot by the morning, always leaving you with a twang of disappointment.

At that simon started laughing more, "so does he call you baby whilst drunk too? How about kissing you?".

With a shocked expression on your face you shyly say “he was just being friendly” not realising that they had seen that. You remember the day after when Harry apologised and said that it didn’t mean anything.

You had learnt not to get too hopeful when things like that happened. After the a thousandth time Harry explained to you that you guys were just friends and that he never meant to kiss you. You have had a crush on Harry for years and after countless hints he’s never made a move whilst sober.

JJ couldn't hold his laughter anymore and started cackling, "being friendly, i didn't think friends hold hands, hug and kiss eachother".

Vikk nodded as an agreement but he too was smiling and tobi started laughing quietly.

“Well you and Simon do it all the time” you replied sarcastically waiting to see the look on his face.

JJ's smile faltered as he glared at you, "we do it for the jokes, you two were looking at each other lovingly”.

“Harry, you wanna back me up on this or what?” you try to bring him into the conversation as he was just sitting there silently with a guilty look on his face.

JJ rolled his eyes and grabbed his phone, before putting on the video of you and harry. It showed a drunk harry twirling you around, kissing your cheek and laughing together

Harry was silent as he looked at the video, he remembered what he had done at vikk's wedding and blushed as he remembered how you felt in his arms

JJ smiled at the silent glances you guys shared with each other, "so just friends do all this stuff?" Harry stayed silent, trying his best to keep his cool but it was obvious he had feelings for you by the blush on his face.

Fed up, you explain “Well Harry hasn't told me how he feels so how should I know” , god this video wasn’t going anywhere if you had a say in it. You don’t want to make a fool out of yourself even more than you already have.

Josh shook his head, "how come neither of you admit your feelings for eachother? This has happened countless times and you guys have never done anything about it". You froze at this question as your heart started beating faster, knowing that you could admit your feelings and hopefully change the ordinary outcome for once.

“Harry??” you look up at him shyly through your eyelashes, not wanting to be the first person to say anything.

Harry froze as he heard josh's question, a little embarrassed as he looked and you and began to say "what if you don't feel the same? Or what if you don't see me in the same light?”

You silently nod at him which lets him know that you feel the same, wishing him to continue.

Harry looked at you and spoke, "Y/ N, i have liked you since the first time we met, please tell me you like me too” he exclaimed with a wishful look on his face.

“Harry, you have no idea how long I’ve waited for you to say that!” you excitedly say, going over to him to hug him. As he heard this, he grinned and blushed shyly at you, when he saw you stand up to go over to him he opens his arms welcoming you into his space.

The rest of the sidemen smiled at a shy Harry. JJ spoke excitedly, "finally! There is no drama anymore! We have proof of yous likin each other back" he says as the rest of the sidemen smile at each other and cheer.

You had forgot that they were there for a moment as you got lost in Harry’s warm embrace. As you pull apart, you quietly whisper up to him “what happens now?”.

Harry looked down at you smiling before he spoke softly, "im gonna kiss you, like i should have done years ago"

Harry slowly moved closer to you, a small smile forming as a hand reached out to cup your cheek. Your stomach filled up with butterflies as he gazed into your eyes before he gently pressed his lips to yours.

Your body tenses up in shock as his lips finally meet yours. His touch is soft and gentle, as though he is afraid that you might break, your lips move against his. His other hand moves to the back of your neck to pull you closer, deepening the kiss.

You can feel his heart beating fast against yours as the two of you continue exchanging passionate kisses, deepening them with every moment that passes.

JJ explains to the camera, “and that ladies and gentlemen is how you make your two friends stop being idiots around each other.”

Harry and you just laugh at each other, at this statement. You then turn to the sidemen and say “thank you boys” smiling at them with a grateful look in your eyes.

instagram

yourusername posted

yourusername: happier than ever, can’t wait to have forever with you by my side 🤍

tagged: wroetoshaw

Comments:

user1: OMG ITS HAPPENING!

sidemen: watch the video of how we got these two together!

-> user2: you have it in VIDEO?

ynandharry4ever: my two favourite people finally together!

-> yourusername: thank you for the support!

-> ynandharry4ever: OMG YOU NOTICED ME!

wroetoshaw: the love of my life

-> yourusername: I love you baby 🤍

ksi: I made this happen!

-> tobjizzle: ^^

-> miniminter: ^^

-> zerkaa: ^^

-> behzingagram: ^^

-> vikkstagram: it was my wedding so you’re all welcome! liked by yourusername and wroetoshaw

-> wroetoshaw: I think we actually made this happen you know seen as though it’s our relationship @ yourusername

-> yourusername: no they made it happen, like when were you gonna make a move if not for them 😂

[bots-and-cons]

Can we have a scenario (or headcanons if they're going to be easier to write for you! ^-^) for Megatron with a human gender neutral soulmate, who was his friend back on Cyberton and ended up dying in the war only for their spark to somehow reincarnate within a human frame?

A/N: I was thinking I was just gonna write HCs for this, but I decided to do a short scenario instead. I decided to do this as romantic (or at least the reader and Megatron were romantically involved in the past), even though you said “friend”, because I love the drama lol. I want to make a multipart thing out of this, so this is just the start (at least I hope I remember to write more parts…). I think this ended up kinda mediocre, but I don't careeeeeeeeeeee

You had been with the autobots for a while now, this was the first time you had actually come face to face with him. Optimus had thrown Megatron, and while you had managed to scamper out of the way, he was right there, just a few meters away from you. He raised his head and he was staring right at you. There was something so familiar about those optics, but you didn’t understand why, you’d never seen him in person before, you’d barely even seen pictures. You didn’t scream, and you didn’t move a muscle, for a moment, you just stared at each other, as if frozen in time.

Megatron just stared at you for a brief moment. He didn’t know why, but there was something so incredibly familiar about you. He’d never seen you before, he didn’t even know the autobots had a human pet. It wasn’t the way you looked, he didn’t recognize anything about you really, but the feeling he got, was something he’d forgotten long ago.

Before he could do anything, the magic was broken by someone yelling: “(Name)! Get out of here!”

It was like time started moving again, and you realized what a terrifying situation you were in. You got on your feet as quickly as you could and started moving away from him. Megatron got up swiftly as well and turned to face the prime that had just thrown him moments before. He didn’t know why he didn’t just grab you, you had still been within reach and would have made a great hostage. It didn’t matter now, he had his nemesis to face.

Megatron was the worst of the worst, no doubt about it, but you realized you weren’t scared when you were face to face with him. You actually felt an odd sensation of familiarity when you looked into his optics. How could that be? You’d never met him before, and you were quite sure you never wanted to meet him again. You’d heard about the atrocities he’d committed from the autobots, but you had a feeling they hadn’t told you the half of it. That was probably for the best, you didn’t need to know, you didn’t want to know. You didn’t want to give him another thought, but for some reason you just couldn’t seem to let it go. There was just something about him that bothered you.

Once the autobots had retreated and Megatron had returned to the Nemesis, he couldn’t get you out of his head. He felt restless and he didn’t like that. He wasn’t really sure what the feeling he felt when he saw you was, but he didn’t like it either. It reminded him of someone in his past, that he didn’t particularly enjoy thinking about, not anymore at least. He just didn’t understand why. How could a puny human remind him of someone he’d once held so dear? It just didn’t make any sense to him.

[ecstxsyy]

SO HIGH. | E. DIAZ

Eddie Diaz is one hell of a drug.

18+ mdni !

eddie diaz x fem reader

warnings: alcohol use, intoxicated sex, p in v, oral (f & m receiving), fingering, slight edging (f receiving), squirting, facials, porn with very little plot, unprotected sex (wrap it up), slight degradation, cum eating.

EDDIE DIAZ is unexpectedly the life of the party. Sure, he seems like he’d be fun, but never like this.

It started at Chimney’s “bachelor party”, which he never actually showed up to. Buck had been excitedly planning it all week, all the while Chimney was telling him that he never wanted a bachelor party and Buck being Buck, insisted that he planned one for him. Now, here you sat.

You, Eddie, and Buck counted the minutes as they passed, praying at least someone would show up or at least come back to keep them company.

After about 20 or so minutes, Buck finally realized no one was coming and made the bright decision to invite the other people outside clubbing into the private suit.

After many tequila shots and bad decisions, the group of you had somehow ended up at Chimney’s hotel room. You all stormed in, immediately beginning to party all over again.

You, Eddie, and Buck raced to Chimney’s door, knocking to try and get him up. When you received no response you joined the rest and continued to party.

You couldn’t remember what part of the night got you to where you were now, pinned beneath Eddie’s weight as you kissed fervently.

“Are you sure you wanna do this?” Eddie asked for what you swore was the millionth time.

“Yes, Eddie, I’m positive.” You said through sloppy kisses.

“Just don't want you to think I'm taking advantage of you.” He sighed as he kissed down the side of your neck.

“Eddie.”

“Hm?” He hummed as he looked up at you through his eyelashes, kissing down your collarbone.

“Shut up and fuck me.” You moaned as he sucked on your skin, hickey’s blooming in his wake.

“Don’t gotta tell me twice,” Eddie mumbled into your skin, tapping your elbow to raise your arms so he could remove your shirt.

Pieces of clothing continued to fly as he stripped you from head to toe, worshipping your skin slowly as it was revealed. He loved the way you tasted, his tongue peaking out occasionally to lick the skin beneath his lips.

At this point, you were a sensitive writhing mess. You wanted nothing more than for him to just fuck you, but if you knew Eddie at all, you knew he’d tease you until you physically couldn’t take it anymore.

“Eddie please,” You begged, your pleas falling upon deaf ears.

Eddie continued on like he’d never heard you, trailing kisses down your inner thigh, getting dangerously close to your pussy without ever actually touching it.

You bucked up into his face, attempting to get some relief from the heat bubbling in the pit of your stomach. This made Eddie nip your thigh, soothing the area with his tongue immediately after.

“So impatient, Cariño.” Eddie teased, “but, I suppose I’ve made you wait long enough.”

Eddie dove straight in, eating you out like a starved man being set in front of a feast. He immediately sucked your clit into his mouth, teasing your entrance with the tip of his index finger, never actually inserting it into your heat.

Gasps and moans tumbled from your lips, his assault on your nether regions felt amplified. Maybe it was the alcohol, or maybe he really was just that good at giving head. Either way, you couldn’t care less. The only thing on your mind being how good he was making you feel.

Eddie felt like he could stay in this position forever, you tasted like heaven on his tongue and now that he’s had a taste he doesn’t know if he could ever stop.

“God you taste so good.” Eddie practically moaned into your pussy.

Those words made your stomach flutter as you looked down at him, the sight that greeted you nearly made you cum immediately.

Eddie was practically fucking the bed beneath him, grinding his hips into the sheets. He was getting off on just eating you out.

“God, Eddie. Look at you, you’re so pathetic.” You moaned, loving the idea that he’d suppress himself of pleasure just to get you off.

“Only for you,” he mumbled into your heat.

Eddie began pistoning his fingers inside of you, speeding up the pattern of his tongue. Your moans got louder and louder with this change, signaling to him that you were about to cum.

This made him halt his actions immediately, sitting back on his heels to watch you writhe and complain.

“Why’d you stop? I was so close.” You pouted.

“‘Cause i’m no where near being done with you.” He smirked, unclasping his belt and pulling his pants down barely enough to get his cock out.

Your jaw nearly fell off when you saw the size of him, pondering how and where it was supposed to fit inside of you.

You couldn’t lie and say you hadn’t thought about Eddie in that way before. You’d figured he’d be big, but, Eddie was hung.

“There’s no way you’re gonna fit.” You said in shock while Eddie stroked his cock slowly, spitting in his palm to lube himself up.

“Don’t worry, baby. I’ll go slow to start, okay?” Eddie reassured.

You nodded as he lined himself up with your entrance, giving him silent consent to begin pushing himself deep inside your aching pussy.

“Oh fuck.” You gasped out, the ache of him stretching you out hurt so good.

Eddie slowly began giving you shallow thrusts, fucking more of his length into you with each thrust. His pace began to speed up quickly, he wanted to be patient for you, but he just couldn’t bring himself to hold back. Tears of pleasure pricked your eyes as Eddie filled you to the brim. You’d never felt so full before, you swore you could feel him in your stomach.

“Oh God.” You moaned loudly, your nails scratching down his back, leaving small scratches and blood droplets in their wake.

“God isn’t the one making you feel this good, baby. I am.” Eddie said cockily, pressing down lightly on the slightly visible outline of his cock in your stomach. You yelped with pleasure, your legs trembling around his waist as you struggled to put together a coherent thought.

His thrusts got deeper and deeper each time, his cock stroking a place inside of you that you didn’t even know existed. The little bundle of nerves shooting waves of pleasure all throughout your body.

“Eddie ‘m gonna cum.” You whimpered, your fingers moving to rub your clit while Eddie fucked you relentlessly. Eddie, noticing this, immediately slapped your hand away, using his hand to replace yours. He rubbed quick small circles into your clit that sent shivers up your spine.

“Go ahead, baby. I know it feels so good, go ahead and cum for me.” Eddie encouraged through panting breaths.

Your orgasm plowed through you in waves, a scream tearing its way out of your throat. Your body convulsed as you sprayed evidence of your orgasm all over the sheets and Eddie’s lower abdomen, you couldn't tell how long your orgasm lasted. All you knew was your ears rung for a solid 10 seconds after it finished wracking its way through your body.

“Got you gushin’ for me, Cariño.” Eddie smirked, catching a drop from his stomach on his finger and sucking it into his mouth.

Eddie eased his way out of you, pulling you up off the bed and pushing you to your knees on the floor.

His cock sat above your face in all of its glory, still hard and leaking precum. His tip was an angry red color and you knew he wanted to cum so bad.

“Open wide for me, I know you can take it.” Eddie encouraged, easing his cock between your lips.

You sucked him into your mouth immediately, too cockdrunk to think about anything else but the man in front of you. You swirled your tongue around his tip, taking his balls into your hand to massage them softly.

“Shit, baby, you’re so good at this. Such a good girl f’ me.” Eddie mumbled, pulling all of your hair into one of his fists, using it to guide your head up and down his cock.

All you cared about was pleasing him, he made you cum so good, the least you could do was return the favor.

“Fuck, ‘m gonna cum all over that pretty face.” Eddie said, beginning to use your hair to face fuck you. You simply sat back and relaxed, letting him do whatever he pleased to you to make himself cum.

When his hips began to falter, you knew he was about to cum. He pulled you up off of his cock and began stroking his length above your face, throwing his head back with a groan.

His load shot out onto your face in warm spurts, his hips thrusting to meet the strokes of his hand while he moaned.

Once he made sure his entire load was on your face, he smiled, patting your cheek softly before using his first two fingers to collect some of his cum off of your face.

“Open,” Eddie instructed firmly, your mouth falling open for him. He took his fingers and pushed them into your mouth, your lips closing around them as you sucked the salty fluid off of his fingers.

“Such a good girl for me.” Eddie smiled at you.

You could’ve sworn you felt high, maybe that was just the effect Eddie had on you.

[my-castles-crumbling]

i live in a red state

i wish i didnt.

i wish i wasnt queer

i wish i wasn’t a women

i wish i was safe.

do u live in a red state? u don’t have to tell me.

i want to scream. i want my FUCKING RIGHTS-

WHAT THE HELL WHAT THE FUCK WHY IS THIS FAIR

I want to scream into a fucking field

how the fuck

my grandmother pulled me aside the day after trump won and told me she remembered roe vs wade being instated. she remembered finally feeling like things were going in a good direction, as she gained the rights she deserved.

she told me to buy the morning after pill now. she told me what brands last 4 years before the expiration date.

she told me to tell her if i needed an illegal abortion and she would help me.

she told me she would find me whatever i need. a therapist i can trust. pills. she cried.

i just knew she could little her inside me. i just knew that the her that got rights was screaming inside with me. crying.

my friends call me dramatic. they don’t get it. i can’t feel safe like this. it’s already not safe.

i’m 17. this is my future and I couldn’t even vote for it. It’s my life being ripped away from me.

maybe i’ll go far away for university. canada or england or australia. wherever I can get a visa- I don’t know how it works.

maybe one day i’ll have grandkids and they’ll say “I can’t believe that when you were alive, there was a time without roe vs wade” and i’ll say “I know, but it’s not like that anymore. you’re safe now.”

i can’t have a child under this. i mean i don’t want to yet, but you get my point. CHILDREN Cas, children are being brought into this world, this country. ready to be propaganda’d to death and told the best country in the world doesn’t have free healthcare or safe skls or WOMENS RIGHTS

i have never felt more like i’m living through history. like in twenty years i’ll be pulled over by a kid with a microphone and he’ll ask me “what was it like to lose your rights when you were a child” and all i’ll be able to say is “I had to face the reality that if i’m ever assaulted in my sketchy horrid neighbourhood with misogynistic men, I’ll have to have their children”

i’ll have to say about sitting in a room that’s more male than female at thanksgiving and christmas and just knowing every man voted against my rights. and my safety. knowing that I mean nothing to them.

four years.

what’s four years in the grand scheme of things huh Cas?

it’ll be fine. it has to be.

and if it’s not, my grandmother and me will just run away. and leave my 19 year old brother who voted for trump behind. how am I supposed to feel about that?

Honestly, I think however you feel is completely valid. I don't currently live in a red state, but I did during the last Trump presidency and it wasn't good. I understand a lot of what you're feeling. I know people are saying that it's just four years, it'll be okay, whatever, but I don't know how true that is and even if it is true, it doesn't negate the awfulness that is happening now. How have a right to be upset and feel let down.

[ledesaid]

Someone once told me ╚-.╚-.╚-.╚-.

..............................................

"Don't trust strangers..."

I think I had no choice when I met him.

The lights of the trains passing through my station were new, this section of the route was closed, but they pass so quickly that they barely illuminate the entire station.

But that station felt smaller than I usually remember.

It felt so lonely.

I felt trapped.

There was only one way out. I knew it, the echo resonating through the tunnels invited me every hour without fail to get on that train. I've lost count of how many times it has stopped and started again.

I may not know about equations, but I know that something entered the station and did something.

But I couldn't ask and was tied up, literally trapped.

The exit of the station had disappeared and an invisible force pushed me away from the train tracks.

I would be desperate, I really was, but I couldn't ask for help... I thought that if they were my last moments, they would be fine, always and whenever they stopped.

The train stopped every six hours, waited five minutes, and then left again.

Maybe I could have watched this for weeks, but I felt so tired that I knew I could only withstand one more cycle of the train, there was only one bottle of water and two granola bars left.

It was unfair that I had no choice...

But at least, as a mark of my passage through the world, I took a can of paint that someone had left and began to write on the station floor:

"Hello, my name is Billy Batson. I am nine years old and I'm going to get on an unknown train."

"This sucks, please call Superman for me."

For my tired self, I couldn't think of anything better at the moment, I had no friends, parents, or anyone close... That still hurts even now.

When the doors opened for the last time, I knew it was over... I knew it was time and I just took what little I had with me. A stuffed animal, a blanket, and half my bottle of water.

The train didn't take long to move forward as it usually did, I realized it was a trap, but I didn't try to get off and just sat and waited.

The windows only illuminated the stations very quickly like flashes and, after a few minutes, there was only a blinding light that disoriented me.

I tasted fear in my throat, held on to the only thing I had... a small tiger stuffed animal, and begged for it to end soon.

At some point, I fell asleep, but when I opened my eyes, the doors were open and I believed I was alone again...

I decided to get off. I had no other choice.

Billy: "Come on Batson, you can do it..." I tried not to cower before the unknown.

To my surprise, there was no station to welcome me, only a dark cave in its place.

***: "Welcome William, I have been waiting for you for a long time..."

Billy: "Who are you? Why am I here?"

***: "I am the wizard Shazam and you have been chosen as the champion of magic."

Billy: "I want to leave."

Shazam: "You have no choice. The Olympians have chosen you and you just answered the call."

Billy: "You forced me to get on the train."

Shazam: "It's an honor to be chosen, William, and you only need to say my name 'Shazam' and you will be able to walk among mortals carrying my power with you to protect magic. The end of my era has come, good luck Captain Marvel, you will need it..."

I still have nightmares about a giant rock crushing the wizard I had just met.

Two days later I couldn't take it anymore and invoked the wizard's name... One week later I saved Fawcett, six months later they offered me to join the league and now, two years later, I'm telling you my story... I really, really didn't expect to tell this to anyone... I'm glad you're just an AI, Sanctuary.

Billy: "I must go now, thanks for just listening..."

Sanctuary: "Thank you for your service Captain Marvel, even if it was imposed on you, you have saved many lives. Thank you for getting on the train."

Billy: "You're welcome, I suppose... I had no choice and really, even now, I don't feel like I have one."

[transmutationisms]

lol i remember when the first trump term started i felt this like moral urgency to read more us news and i think at the time i would have formulated it as like, how can i do anything to change it if i don't know what's happening. but wow im so glad i got over thinking there is literally any value ever to following like the minutiae of new york times coverage of tweets. like Yes i get headlines and i read world news but i feel zero of the same moment to moment capitol hill urgency anymore. same shit same butthole ykwim

[lgvalenzuela]

And here's the first part of a companion fic I made for this great piece of writing

He woke up in the most familiar of unifamiliar places. He had seen it many times at this point, but never quite grasped the severity of the situation until he was surrounded by those hues of grey. Voices whispering in his mind, familiar voices. The voice of his father, long passed, long forgotten to time as he could only place the face of the man who raised him. The voice of a woman who gave him a chance when he never could do the same for her. The voices of the people in Dock Town, and the Grey Wardens he wasn't able to save…

The voice of Bellara…

The voice of Lace…

Lucanis…

LUCANIS.

He remembered now, the body of his love laying on the floor. He couldn't reach him and now. But he wouldn't…he couldn't…

He quickly stood up as a pang of pain from his abdomen to his head. He fell as quickly as he rose, he couldn't even scream he was in such agony. He tried to breathe as he reached his side, he wasn't bleeding anymore but he could still feel every ounce of pain, he could recall the feeling of Ghilan'nain’s stab perfectly. And yet there he was, alive, while Lace…

He grunted, as he tried clawing his way forward. He had to do something, anything. He needed to know if everyone got out of Tearstone Island. But he wasn't going anywhere while staggering through the floor like a worm.

He cried out a silent scream as he regained his composure as best he could, slowly getting up and limping his way forward. If wherever he was going was forward to begin with:

“This is something I've always admired about you, kid. You don't know when to quit”

“Varric?”

But Varric couldn't… he couldn't be there.

Then why was he speaking to him?

“I told you the enchantments were dangerous! And you chose me anyway! You picked me to die!”

The voice of Bellara blew a hole through his heart. Like an arrow… like Lace…

“I died because you chose me. You want see the rest? Like you don't know how Taash is going to look at you…”

“Lace… Bellara… I-I didn't mean to-”

But it didn't matter what he meant to do. Because he chose anyway. And at every turn.

It was the wrong choice.

Neve got a scar within minutes of meeting him.

He chose to help Treviso for selfish reasons while he left Dock Town to its own devices.

He couldn't help at Weisshaupt.

He couldn't help Ferelden.

He didn't save the only chance of his family’s legacy to survive.

He forgot his father’s face.

And he couldn't even get to see if his friends were okay.

He fell to his knees, grabbing the sides of his torso in torment.

He felt himself being swallowed, the hands of the ghosts he had gained along the way dragging him to the ground as if it were the water destined to drown him…forever…

“Finn…”

He couldn't look up, he couldn't face him. What if he… what if he got him killed too?

Lucanis placed a hand on his face, softly, tenderly:

“Don't go where I can't follow”

“Lucanis I-”

“No, don't say it. You have to tell me in person…”

He finally looked into his eyes, he smiled so delicately. Caressing his cheek. This wasn't his Lucanis, he was… an idea, a little regret. He leaned into the touch just as he disappeared:

“I have to tell you in person…”

But for that he had to get out of there.

Varric extended his hand, with a sympathetic smile. A melancholic gaze:

“Come on kid”

He held his friend’s hand, as Varric helped him gain any sort of composure while he could feel his body giving up on him:

“Varric…since when…?”

“I think you know…”

He cried out on his friend's shoulder, maybe he always knew.

But even this Varric was too awkward to just hug him, he patted him on the back:

“Come on Rook, it's fine. It's fine…” Varric choked a little “I had a good life…”

“I should've- I could've-”

“Don’t carry my mistakes Rook, I chose to talk to Solas. It was my decision and you don't get to make it about yourself”

“I-”

“Neve chose to go with you that day, and she knew the risk”

“But I-”

“Look at me, kid” he grabbed his shoulders, looking into his eyes deeply “Every decision we make has consequences… sometimes they're small, sometimes… they're not…

And I've been around enough to know when someone choses, trying their best…

When you went to Treviso, didn't you send the rest of your team to help in Minrathous? When you went to Weisshaupt, did you know Ghilan'nain and her Archdemon were going to be there?”

Finn stood there in silence.

“When you told Violet to leave, didn't you think there was going to be someone there who would love her? And don't you think of your father, even if you can't remember him?

What do you think the Hero of Ferelden thought when there were only two Wardens left to defeat the Blight? What do you think Hawke did when they were left alone in a city that hated them? What about the Inquisitor when he had to fight for an organization that cursed him, when he only wanted to help having the mark on his hand?

You know these people… and you know they tried their best… just like you…

Just like your team…”

“But Solas… what if he tried his best as well?”

“Maybe he did, maybe he thinks he did. But he did choose to sacrifice other people at every turn” Varric put a hand on his chest, where Solas plunged the dagger “Did you? Can you really say you sacrificed anyone willingly?”

Finn thought about it for a second, but Varric didn't let him dwell on his regret for too long. He signaled with his head.

Finn looked up, an eluvian.

He tried to reach it, until the pain shot threw his body like lightning again.

Varric put Finn's arm around his shoulders, carefully wrapping his arm around his back and together they climbed through the steps to the eluvian. One by one:

“This is the last thing I'm ever going to be able to do for you…”

“Varric… Thank you for everything… you were a good friend…”

He didn't know if this was another figment of his imagination but it felt real… real enough to say goodbye.

Finn could feel his vision getting blurry as he got nearer the eluvian. But if he could just… see them one last time… that was enough…

Just enough…

—------------------------------------------------------

They could've felt their heart skip a beat when they saw that handprint on the eluvian. They jumped out of their seats, to pull him towards them.

Finn fell into Lucanis' arms, and smiled slightly. Lucanis cup his face on his hands, getting his hair out of his face. Spite pulled out his wings embracing their Rook.

He was back. They got him back.

And then Finn's wound started bleeding again, it had been so long they had forgotten the state Rook was dragged to the Fade in. He gave his friends a teary smile, as he buried his face on Lucanis' chest and his body went limp:

“No! No no no no” Lucanis grabbed his lover before he fell to the ground “Please! Please no!”

Neve and Emmrich rushed to their side, Taash gave Lucanis the first piece of cloth they found so they could stop Finn's hemorrhage long enough for the mages to remember any healing spell that might work.

Healing wasn't Neve or Emmrich’s speciality but that wasn't the problem. The problem was that Finn wasn't breathing, at all.

His own words hit him like a boulder.

All I know is death.

All he knew was death.

He didn't know how to help. He couldn't save him.

He got him back just for a second.

Just for a goodbye.

All I know is death.

And yet, as if guided, he ripped Finn's chestplate and started pushing on his chest. He didn't know where he learnt this, and there wasn't time to think about it now. The memories were foggy, of family long gone.

He opened Finn's mouth and breathed life into his lungs. He would lie down on his own if that's what it took for Rook to return again.

He placed his ear on his chest. Nothing.

Next thing he knew Davrin was next to him, he pushed on his friend's chest waiting for Lucanis to continue breathing. As the mages closed the wound on his torso.

He breathed. A quiet gasp.

Lucanis placed his ear on Finn's chest again, hearing his heartbeat might have been the most relieved he'd ever felt.

He was still unconscious and heavily mangled, but he was alive. And he could get through this:

“We need to find an actual healer” said Neve, whipping some sweat of her forehead

“We must take haste, our dear friend is stable but…” added Emmrich

“There were some people stuck on the Crossroads. I'm- I'm sure we can find someone quickly” said Davrin, he was breathing heavily like he had just remembered he could “Neve, Emmrich, you should stay near Rook. Taash, I need you to search with me”

Taash picked up Finn as if he weighed nothing:

“Come on, I'll take him to my room first, I have the closest bed”

Lucanis followed closely.

—------------------------------------------------------

He couldn't even believe it when he woke up. The fact that he was opening his eyes at all, alive and breathing. He instinctively drew his hand to the side of his torso, a certain level of pain was still there but at least the wound was closed. He could feel his body covered in bandages, somebody had done a thorough job of taking care of his aching body, probably Emmrich.

He took note of his surroundings, Taash' room. They must have taken him to their bed to rest. A good bed was more comfortable than the infirmary, he had to give them that. How was he supposed to face them?

As his eyes accustomed to light he sighed. It was gone now, the vision from his left eye, from the scar he got at Weisshaupt. Gone, after all that time.

It was okay, they knew it would happen… and he had a master assassin at his side… always on his left side…

He searched carefully through the bed, he couldn't see him, or barely move to face him. But he knew he would find him if he searched.

His hand reached him crouching down at the side of the bed, resting until his lover woke up. Lucanis flinched at the touch, and incorporated himself so Finn would be able to see him:

“Finn!”

“Lucanis”

Tears swelled as he opened his arms, Lucanis wrapped him in a tight embrace. Soft enough as not to hurt him, close enough as to never lose him again. He buried his face on Rook's neck, caressing his hair tenderly. Finn could feel his tears dripping down his shoulder:

“ROOK.IS.HERE”

Finn chuckled:

“Hello Spite…”

Spite’s wings wrapped around them, protectively, warmly. Who might have said that he'd be loved by a demon:

“Lucanis… I know you don't want to hear it but…”

“No… Finn… I-”

He looked at him with those big, sad eyes. He never thought someone would ever look at him with so much love:

“Say it… say it as many times as you need…”

Finn choked a sob, and Lucanis placed kisses on his face:

“I love you… I love you…”

In the Absence of Everything

I'm very happy to share my first gift fic for my graphics challenge! Thank you @lgvalenzuela (whose commissions are open) for the beautiful art you did for the contest! Here is your angst Post-Tearstone fallout where Davrin and Lucanis try to pick up the pieces. Click here to see it on AO3 Preview under the cut:

Davrin had carved Lace, taking the time to capture the embroidery on her armor best he could. Debated giving it to Taash but hung onto it in his uncertainty. Bellara had been next, and Davrin would kill Elgar’nan for that, personally. Rook, he did again, capturing him in his Warden armor, placing it next to the others.

Lyra’s was the hardest. Every time he started, he couldn’t get it quite right. It had turned into an obsession when he wasn’t around the others. This time, he got almost to the end, eyes burning as he got to her face. His hand cut too deep and he growled, throwing the carving into the fire and going to bed. Assan chirped and climbed onto his chest, weighing him down, trying to urge him to sleep. Davrin smiled and stroked a finger down his beak, humming to calm him.

Something about it worked, and the griffon closed his eyes. Davrin followed him soon after, if only for a little while. 

[absinthemindedly]

Just kinda the vibe lately ~

[keeps-ache]

ouhhh i'm turning into my grandmother [chewing on wriggley's gum]

[koka-mi]

I had a weird dream about a certain song that had effects on ppl whenever they first listen and it literally plays in the back of your head for I believe a week? or maybe it was a month. And certain things start to happen to you--it just makes you act weird for the whole week or so it's in your head? and then it leaves and you go back to normal. some of the things you did were pretty silly tbh xD but I can't remember much of it.

I do remember you were supposed to make others listen to the song too (kinda like chain mail) but idk what the point of that was BCZ LIKE.. it's not like it made you yourself stop thinking abt it. It isn't like one of those you give it to another person to make it stop things SO THAT MADE NO SENSE. I guess so they could suffer having to hear the song in the back of their head with you xD

[occasionalincorrectquotes]

The experiment thing sounds a little weird at first. The Moriarty family is a family of crime, not science experiments. But thinking about it... They did want to capture that pathologist during the auberge arc, and a pathologist studies disease, say something like what Ron has right now.

Maybe Toto was somehow involved with the Moriarty family at a super young age. The Moriarty family is the kind of family to see if they can spread their genetics wider from their blood relatives, see if they can implant their genes into other people entirely unrelated to them, to make more criminals. They grabbed Toto from a young age as a test subject, along with a few more I'd guess.

I don't expect Toto as a kid to want revenge either, he would want to save the other people who are with him, so Alice could easily get him to help her by pulling on his heart strings. Just like Ron, maybe Toto forgot about it from trauma, or maybe he was too young to remember, he even mentions that he "doesn't remember anything at that age" when Ron is trying to recreate his memories from the age of 6, which is normal honestly but this is a DETECTIVE manga you can't leave any clues out.

With how the family is, I don't think they'd treat their test subjects with respect at all, gave them aliases and just called it a day. Toto could absolutely have been Max, if you considered that they stole him away from his actual family and didn't care what his real name is. Maybe Elliot was kind enough to take care of the children they were testing on, and let them play with his own kid, and since kids just go with whatever Adults say, Toto just accepted his new name for a bit.

I do think that they messed with Ron ever since as a kid, it would be hard to make an "illness" on the spot with someone who's genetic code you don't know, the body is HIGHLY equipped to deal with pathogens whether it's encountered them before or not, if they weren't smart about it, Ron's body could've easily solved the illness and take it out in just a few weeks, so maybe they've been planning this since Ron was born. They took some blood and found all the pathologists and geneticists in the world to engineer the exact illness they wanted, something that the immune system can't fight against, and all Sachi had to do was implant it exactly where it needed to go.

Maybe the Moriarty family gave up (or someone forced a halt to their experiments) after a while, and just dropped their victims off anywhere they felt like. Maybe Toto's grandmother isn't actually related to him, she found him on the street and took him in, gave him a local's name and called him her grandson. Because grandma doesn't have shred of information about who Toto is, she has no idea how old he is at all, and Toto was never told of something like his age, so he wouldn't have any idea either. That's why we (and everyone around him) can only estimate his age is 20s. I'd also like to assume that to protect her dear Toto from anymore sadness she just said that his parents were busy overseas working super hard for him, he just never thought about it.

Putting out my Toto conspiracy theory because this is such an insane level of blatant withholding there’s no way there’s not more to him-

Okay so some other people have noticed that we have almost no information in Toto other than some very thin slices he’s provided and what Ron has deduced.

So here’s my theory:

The facts:

Toto is suspiciously bad at a job that he should not have otherwise been given without qualifying for it.

He almost never talks about himself or his past

Ron deducted that he must have grown up in a refined environment and was spoiled

He grew up with his grandparents

His age is constantly censored or left out of identifying documents and promo material related to the manga and anime, including the chapters in which they celebrated his birthday

He acts as a coil, constantly providing Ron with motivation and opening up his ability to move on or investigate when he would otherwise have looked something over or not been able to proceed

Which all seems far too convenient when we look at the broader scope of things.

So I have two theories here actually and this does contain spoilers for the most recent chapters so proceed with caution-

Toto is working for Alice specifically and before you get all puffy about it HEAR ME OUT:

if not for Toto, Ron wouldn’t have started investigating again, which would would have never lead to him confronting Elliot, ultimately leading to his downfall- something that also never would have happened without Toto being present and injured at the time.

Ron only knows what Toto has given him: very obvious clues that tell a story so he doesn’t have to.

Alice also has a lot of candid photos of Ron, which could have only been taken by someone close to him.

Now mind you I hate this theory personally. Toto to me is a ball of genuine fluff and must be protected at all costs but he’s just too convenient.

Which leads me to my second theory, which has started forming within the last few chapter releases (somewhere around 150-153)

Toto is working for Ron’s mother.

Mainly spurred on by the fact that in both correspondences she has sent to Ron, she has singled out Toto specifically. Now this could be just a mom worrying for the safety of her child’s only close friend but it seems odd.

“I’m glad you get along so well with Isshiki-san but you can’t keep selfishly dragging him along”

Okay fair, she’s smart, she knows what’s going on is life or death and that Toto always gets pulled into these things

BUT THEN she sends Kiku over with a message to “Give Totomaru her best” without giving Ron anything else and I’m not going to lie guys my theory is now leaning more heavily into the Toto is working for Alice territory because this seems like

A) she was trying to encourage Ron to leave Toto out of things which means she may know he’s connected in some way

B) a threat not a well wish, “I know what you’re doing and good luck with that”

And I hope to all deities and non-deities that exist that this is just my crazy conspiracy theory board and that Toto is just baby okay? But I can’t help but to wonder…

[ijzermansdriesen]

Two years later and on the other side of major depressive disorder, I don't remember ever crying for maandag 11:03 like I did today.

[713-4th-ward-g]

.

[vampirepuppygirl]

You know, I grew up catholic and never experienced catholic guilt, and it still kind of confuses me

When I went to mass, the readings and the gospel were always just life lessons or stories to make you think, and what it wanted you to think about was usually humility and piety and loyalty and faith and stuff like that

Faith formation was mostly about learning the history of the church and important stories that you should remember, plus prayer memorization

I don't ever actually remember a time where they were specifically like "you must feel guilty about this" or "everyone by default deserves to go to hell and you must constantly prostrate before god to be deemed worthy"

It was "everyone sins and everyone drifts away from god and that's okay because he will never abandon you"

It was "Jesus died for your sins. To liberate you from them so you're no longer beholden to the old way, so you're no longer beholden to original sin, so you can have a clean slate without ceaseless penance"

The sin forgiveness cycle that Catholics kind of get pulled into was always described to me as a liberating cycle. It gives you the freedom to sin and the freedom to make mistakes as you bumble through the blind chaos of life without worrying about perfection or damnation

Even when I went to confession it wasn't just a blanket "don't do it again" it was "think about why that is a sin and let that experience teach you something."

If I know anything about catholics it's that they love rules and they love the pursuit of knowledge, I once had a very long conversation with a priest about why a certain rule was a rule and why a certain sin was a sin and it was a lot more complicated than just "god said so," even if I can't remember the specifics anymore

I don't know, maybe it was my specific diocese or I've just been around a lot of liberal priests or something, but I even had someone tell me basically word for word "As long as you follow the ten commandments and use the seven virtues as a framework to guide you, you're set. Use confession to scrub away the sins you can't avoid and that's it. Nobody is without sin so just do your best and that's all anyone can ask of you."

Primarily, what growing up catholic taught me was just the importance of love

Love your family, love your neighbor, love a stranger, love the Earth, love nature, and fundamentally love yourself. And forgive yourself. And be patient with yourself. Because I was taught that everyone sins and that's okay.

And that's okay.

I was taught that seeking absolution and forgiveness is meant to steer you in the right direction, yes for the ultimate goal of heaven, which was defined to me as Oneness with God. And hell was defined to me not as a multi-tiered demon filled demiplane of fire and brimstone and ice, but simply the state of separation from god.

But it wasn't just about salvation it was also about making the Earth we live in now a better place and they are rules specifically to facilitate good communication and good relationships with other people and yourself, and obviously God (but whatever.) It was always basically let God absolve you of your guilt but don't force yourself to feel guilty if you make a mistake.

I don't really consider myself catholic anymore, mostly because of other people, catholics and protestants who use their religion as a tool to spread hateful rhetoric and become their own personal left hand of God, instead of using their religion to spread love and patience and understanding and forgiveness and tolerance and all of the things that they actually fucking preach. Why y'all throwing stones huh? Y'all ain't without sin. Literally nobody is. That's the point.

But I like what I was taught. I use what I was taught a lot. Technically even if I don't consider myself catholic I still am. I have been confirmed, I could waltz right into a catholic church confess my sins and my doubts and have a long conversation with a priest and boom blank slate once more. There would be penance hoops I would have to jump through but that's literally what happens with every confession, so still

But that's always what confused me about Catholic guilt like

What were you taught?

[inejghavertz]

having a moment