#but I burnt it a bit so the photos of the whole bird are ugly af lol

[sabr33zy]

birthday dinner :)

and dessert! 🍒🎂✨

[amphii-writes]

Random Haikyuu Head Canons I Have

these are all taken from my discord server cause i remember to write them there, if you want to request fanfics, my requests are W I D E open! there is also nO order! these are just all the headcanons i could find tbh

warnings: mentions of blood, and just overall wild times, swearing

Asahi loves knitting sweaters because his shoulders are broad and he also loves seeing the reactions from his teammates when they get a sweater from him! He says he buys them but he doesn’t

Aone likes knitting socks because he has big feet and he loves fluffy knee high socks but his team will never know

Asahi and Aone regularly hang out and knit together! (after asahi wasnt scared of him anyways)

Nishinoya gives you shiny rocks he finds because “your eyes shine like them!”

Yamaguchi likes to have your head rest on his chest while cuddling!

Aone likes to bake

Aone dressed like a polar bear because koganegawa told him to- halloween was amazing

daICHI HAS A KISS THE COOK APRON

Daichi secretly can make some kick ass steak and is amazing at grilling sorry

Okay but real talk, Kenma and Yaku swear like sailors and it scares everyone because they always whisper the most foul, insulting things under their breath. Hearing it is like seeing a cryptid

Speaking of cryptids, Fukunaga and Shibayama are THE most true crime, mythology, and mystery obsessed fanatics on the team and often fanboy about it together 

Fukunaga’s obsession with moth man has gotten to an unhealthy stage

Kenma absolutely had a vampire phase and has read twilight. Only Kuroo knows and has sworn to secrecy via blood pact

Kuroo’s a musical nerd. Knows all of the lyrics to Hamilton, BMC, DEH, Heathers, Rent, Beetlejuice, Etc. Kenma considered dropping him because of it

Iwaizumi tells the worst dad jokes and Kyotani, wanting to beat him, started doing it too and it drives everyone insane

Yahaba and Matsukawa get along surprisingly well. Both are true crime freaks and bond over their forensic files obsessions

Matsukawa didn’t really like his thick eyebrows so he got one of his female friends to pluck it for him, but almost cried and gave up after the first hair. Oikawa called him a pussy for the next year

Hanamaki jokingly flirts with everyone on the team so most of them just got used to it, but it still confuses Kindaichi to the point of mental breakdown

Makki called Kyotani ‘puppy’ as a joke once and now mad dog is truly terrified of him

Kyotani’s dog absolutely ADORES Oikawa and it’s the funniest shit to the rest of the team

Mattsun and Makki play DnD and once convinced Yahaba and Kyotani to join. Kyotani kept rolling to fight everyone and Yahaba was a bard that kept rolling to seduce everyone. They kept yelling across the board so they had to kick them out

Outside of his school uniform, Goshiki specifically wears only plaid

Tendou makes little chocolates for the whole team every once in a while so they don’t think he’s scary

Semi and Shirabu once had a fistfight in an abandoned McDonald’s parking lot while Tendou filmed and Goshiki cheered them on

Everybody makes fun of Shirabu’s haircut but nobody dares to say it to his face. its gotten to the point where they say he got it done by a blind old lady

There’s a running joke about Shirabu also getting his haircut from prison but Goshiki is starting to suspect that it may not be a joke

Yamagata and Tendou are good friends with the mutual goal of collecting as much blackmail on their team as possible

Tendou loves animals generally considered to be ‘ugly’ like rats, crows, reptiles, etc.

80% of Goshiki’s playlist is shit overplayed on the radio. Him, Shirabu, Tendou, Kawanishi and Ushijima have a permanent ban from the aux cord

Nobody watches YouTube with Ushijima because he never skips the damn ads (other than tendou)

Suna once said y’all’dn’t’ve unironically and made a first year cry

Akagi once said UwU unironically and had an identity crisis.

Osamu has one of those rainbow gaming keyboards and is constantly on a discord call. Atsumu always yells weird shit in the background to embarrass him and once pretended to be him

During Seijoh group chat arguments. Hanamaki and Mattsukawa like to drop facebook minion memes in just to piss everyone off even more

mattsun and maki both have separate photo albums in their phones labelled ‘minion memes to piss everyone off’

Hinata carries a pocket knife and no one has no fucking idea why

mattsun and maki both have matching rat fursuits that look like they actually where in a sewer- they chased oikawa around

For all his talk of plant analogies and metaphors, Ushijima cant grow shit

Goshiki’s Bangs are the way they are because his favorite character was Rock Lee from Naruto

Oikawa has watched Ouran High School Host Club front to back so many times and he can quote all of Tamaki’s lines by heart -He keeps bothering Iwaizumi to “be his Haruhi, since you’re shorter than me”

Koganegawa has definitely gone as an Angry Bird for Halloween

Fukunaga has those reflective cat eyes, and he has terrified Yamamoto on several occasion

Hanamaki and Matsukawa have a teddy bear that they pretend is their child and they share custody

Suga always sprays whipped cream straight into his mouth whenever he sees a can

Nishinoya definitely bit people as a kid

Nishinoya would be the guy to wear shorts all year round and even if it's snowing, he'll insist he's not cold

Tendou is still stuck in his emo phase and would fangirl over Creepypasta with me and I appreciate that (me too buddy, me fuckin too)

Kyoutani LOOKS like he’d listen to viking death metal, but in reality he listens to Mother Mother and knows all the words to Ghosting

Sugawara would definitely encourage me to dumb shit and not stop me, and you’re all dumb for thinking he wouldn’t 

KENMA IS NOT ‘uwu owo’ SHY, HE IS ‘your fucking gross’ SHY SO LITERALLY STFU

Bokuto listens to Nicki Manaj. And knows all the words. To every. Single. Song.

Ushijima for some reason knows an odd amount of 90′s-2000′s R&B and he will hum along to the songs if they come on the radio (he also loves Dolly Parton) ((he says he relates to her music))

Bokuto once ate instant ramen for an entire month

TERUSHIMA DID TRY TO FUCK A PLANT WHILE SHITFACED AND GOD I STAND BY WHAT I SAID

atsumu let’s you put makeup on him and pretends to eat the brushes (do yk what im talking about- like n o m)

tendou ran for school president as a joke but actually won

i 100% believe that all of karasuno’s third years apologize when they bump into inanimate objects, but when suga is really tired or stressed out, he’ll yell at them instead.

Tanaka, Nishinoya, and Taketora have a group chat called "Bros who want sum hoes" and they send each other hypebeast memes and shit

Sugawara knows how to do a bunch of flexible shit because he sometimes goes to yoga with daichi and asahi's moms, its fucking hilarious

tanaka and noya both breakdance- they work as a team and sometimes go to tokyo for underground competitions- saeko drives them

Daichi knows a little ballet- nobody other than Kiyoko knows because they saw each other at the ballet class and had to work together- dont tell tanaka and noya that he lifted her though

Osamu once put glitter on Atsumu's pillow- he still finds hot pink glitter on shit

kita knits and crochets with his grandma

Kita's grandma knows everyone's names because kita talks shit bout them, her favorite is Aran

Kuroo has burnt his eyebrows off doing an experiment. His goggles didn't cover all his brows,,, so he just showed up to practice like that. No eyebrows and a chemical burn

kenma has played all kinds of games, but he was dared to play corpse party by kuroo. He wasn't scared because of the gore, he was thinking about the trauma the characters went through. Punched kuroo the next day because that game was fucked up

Lev isn't a strong swimmer, so he often grabs people by the head to keep himself up. happened with kenma and lev couldn't walk due to the force of kenmas suprised water kicks

akaashi has those fancy pens that you have to dip in ink and they're so nice

Bokuto has and will eat pencil erasers again

Daichi once almost lost his shit at his team but instead he lost his shit at the door that decided to stub his toe on the way out of the gym. not the best thing to be found yelling to.

Yamaguchi for sure has been dragged to one of terushimas parties because he didnt wanna say no. oh and terushima has like frat boy level parties too. Yams has for sure had some wild nights and doubts anyone other than Tsukishima and the party-goers will ever know

Akaashi can actually flirt very well! He reads romance novels sometimes and has analyzed any and every book in his possession! so he's actually quite charming

Daihsou unironically posted on twitter after mika broke up with him "I still see her shadows in my room"

Mattsun and Maki run a fake oikawa account; its been going ever since twitter even started getting popular and they even started sending messages in spanish. The posts would range from "I love all my fans!" to flirting with them :) Oikawa is pissed cause the account got verified before he did and most of his fans also follow the fake oikawa. Tooru has no idea who runs it JUST IMAGINE OIKAWA JUST LIKE RANTING TO THE SEIJOH 3RD YEAR ALUMNI AND JUST "no Iwa-chan, you dont understand! they run a fake account and pretend to be me!" while makki and mattsun laugh their asses off

Oh, kenma for sure has pretended to be a girl on discord and has gotten someone to buy him stuff. after they do he says in his normal voice "fucking simp" and then hangs up and blocks the other persons discord

Yamamoto, despite his rough appearance, loves kids and has and will be a human jungle gym

suna in middle school had a game with his friends about who could make kids cry the fastest

The twins switched places back in middle school and nobody could tell because of how great they are at acting like eachother

Daichi once arrested coach ukai for public intoxication after a game :|

Daichi has arrested many people from his old volleyball team but the most memorable case was when he arrested tanaka and noya for reckless driving. poor idiots got so scared when they saw their old captains face in their mirror and started to pray

tanaka, while trying to intimidate someone, once said "You dont gotta tell me twice, i may be straight but these hands are bisexual" and he often cringes at night thinking about it

Kageyama, as a comeback to Tsukishima, said "one thing about us royalty is that we love to feast" and he also fuckin hates what he said

the third years made a cult for Kiyoko. they chant every wednesday "i'll do anything for kiyoko, she makes me go loco"

oikawas fangirls are known to be fucking rabid

yAMAMOTO AND KENMA AFTER THEIR FIGHT WERE FORCED BY KUROO TO MAKE IT UP: so they dyed their hair together

Makki and mattsun sang two trucks in front of the entire team. everyone was so confused. Makki: "twO TRUCKS HAVIN SEX!!" Mattsun: "oH yEs!"THEY'D SWITCH OFF AND HAVE LIKE CHOREOGRAPHY TOO LIKE THEY'D DO A TANGO WHILE THE SONG IS LIKE "two beer trucks, making love"

tendou once called Oikawa "mr. no-nationals" and got kicked in the shins before iwaizumi could save him

Tsukishima had a my little pony phase

you work with matsukawa at a morgue and he makes dead people jokes while you fix some dead guys face with wax and makeup he'd be like "so didnt he like,,, stick his head out of the sunroof of a moving fuckin car??" he'd be singing dumb ways to die the entire day

i feel like Kuroo has one crazy accident a year. like it might not be deadly but its fucking crazy like for example: Kuroo for sure has ridden in a shopping cart at past midnight with kenma (who pushed him down a hill) causing Kuroo to get scratched up hella well. he lied and said he spent the night with a girl and kenma fucking hated himself cause he would be the girl if that was true

Mattsun has flirted with the 4th years moms before (AS A JOKE), and because of this: he is known as “fuckin milf hunter” sometimes by the team

Warning, this next headcanon is talking about cannabis, weed, mary jane, the zoink root. so if your uncomfortable, please dont read below :)

dude i wanna get high as SHIT with Asahi 

i think Asahi would be one of those mfkers who takes one hit and is gone 

ASAHI ACCIDENTALLY GOING TO PRACTICE ZOINKED 

IMAGINE HIM SEEING TSUKISHIMA AND JUST "he looks so judgemental,,, im scared" 

OR LIKE A MAD DAICHI AND JUST "i'm gonna,,, im gonna go jump out the window now" 

Noya and Tanaka would know tho, i feel like they'd have a 6th sense when it comes to weed. they probably get some from Saeko cause she'd rather they do it in the house. they'd smell asahi like fucking dogs and just so,,, big guy had fun without us huh? 

DAICHI WOULD KNOW ABOUT ASAHI BEING ZOINKED, SMASH HIS FACE INTO THE WALL, TURN AROUND WITH A RED MARK ON HIS FOREHEAD AND WITH A BEAMING SMILE AND FEUX ENTHUSIASM SAY: "YOSH, LETS WARM UP!"

[devilsknotrp]

Congratulations, Jenn! You have been accepted for the role of Wendy Taylor (FC: Mary Louise Parker). Wow. What can we even say? You have brought Wendy a depth that we truly had not even envisaged. There were glimpses in her biography, but you have enhanced them and exampled how complex and nuanced she really is. The fact that she is a closeted lesbian makes a lot of sense, and I think exploring the notion of compulsive heterosexuality and her late relationship with Charlie will be a fantastic writing challenge - one we have no doubt you’ll pull off with aplomb. Your headcanons are extensive and beautifully written. This is a truly fantastic application. Thank you for writing her! Please have a look at this page prior to sending in your account.

OUT OF CHARACTER

Name: Jenn Age: 27 Pronouns: She/her Timezone: EST Activity estimation: I have a full-time job, but I can be around on weeknights and through the weekend! I can confidently approximate my activity at a few replies per week. Triggers: REDACTED

IN CHARACTER

Full name: Wendy Marie Taylor Age (DD/MM/YYY): Fifty years old (09 October 1946) – Libra sun, Cancer moon Gender: Cis female Pronouns: She/her Sexuality: Lesbian, though she will assert she is Straight Occupation: Regional Manager, Great Lakes Cup Company Connection to Victim: Linda Goode is one of the moms. Even if her own daughter has been grown for a decade plus, Wendy feels connected to the other mothers in Devil’s Knot because motherhood is so important to her. When Linda first moved into town, Wendy was drawn to her bright-eyed enthusiasm. They talk after church about their children, and Wendy gives some gentle advice when she can. They’re friendly, if not friends. Linda’s optimism in the face of a mother’s worst nightmare has only bolstered Wendy’s desire to know her better. She remembers what Sandy was like when Pete disappeared. Linda’s going to need all the help she can get. Alibi: Wendy spent the morning at home, going through her closets for things she could sell at her upcoming yard sale. One of the skirts she’d set aside – an old favorite – had a broken zipper, so she brought it to Aisha around 1pm to see if her sister-in-law could mend it. She got so wrapped up in playing with her nephew and talking to her family that she stayed for dinner, and didn’t come home until 7:30pm, at which point she ran a bath, read a few chapters of her book club book, and fell asleep. Faceclaim: I was approved for Mary Louise Parker! :) Other alternate faceclaim ideas (not proposed to y’all) are Winona Ryder and Marisa Tomei.

WRITING SAMPLE

The waiting really wasn’t so bad. At 11:15, the pie went in; by 11:30, the whole downstairs smelled like peaches and cinnamon, even all the way back in the laundry room where the dryer-sheet scent never left. This was what Heaven smelled like, to her. This was her Heaven, right here in Formica and linoleum. She closed her eyes to take it in. Sense is everything. That’s what Pastor Jeff had told her, last time they spoke one-on-one. She’d been struggling to stay grounded, with all the background noise starting up again: another missing boy, another swing to the slumbering hornets’ nest. She could feel the buzzing in her sleep, she said. Thank God for God. He made the world for us, Pastor Jeff told her, and we take it for granted. There are little blessings everywhere. All we have to do is open to receive.

Wendy pressed her shoulders against the back of the chair, imagining a coat hanger strung through her spine and then straightened just so. The birds were quietly tittering in the trees outside. The sky, she imagined, was blue. She wanted to believe that it was.

Her egg timer ticked. She could hear it better with her eyes closed. Sometimes she thought the insides of her eyelids looked like one of those abstract paintings that’re just colors and drips, chaos on a canvas. Like the blood splatter patterns. The photos Charlie pored over. You weren’t supposed to see that, he always said – but what did he know about supposed to? What did he know about her? He had heavy hands and a weak heart, and he–well, he–

Fuck him, she thought.

She opened her eyes. Some words taste sour on your tongue and some don’t taste like anything at all. By the refrigerator, Buddy flattened out on the floor, his head resting on his paws – Wendy hadn’t even noticed him come in. She reached for him with fingers caked in flour and dough. “C’mere, Bud,” she said, softly. “C’mon.” It took him a few seconds to stand; for those couple of breaths, she was sure he’d heard her curse. Then he was walking over, and exhaling, and nudging against her to make room for himself at her feet. “Hey, baby. How you doin’, huh?” She rubbed her hand through the fur at the top of his scalp. He didn’t react. “Oh, you’re mad at me now, ‘s that it?” Buddy was as much Charlie’s as he was hers or Jenny’s, but that’s what happens when you leave: you don’t get to claim ownership anymore.

Wendy let her breath come out her nose in one long stream. She used the heel of her palm to brush loose hair off her forehead; her hands were a mess. “Fine,” she said. She stood. She had Jenny’s number memorized by now, but she still grabbed her contact notebook and double-checked as she dialed. The answering machine picked it up. “Hey, honey, it’s Mom. I’m gonna be taking a pie over to the Goodes in an hour or so. I’d love some company.” She glanced at the hanging clock. 11:50. ”No pressure,” she added. “Just call me back before 1.” Wendy tightened her grip on the phone, readying herself to hang up – but her hand didn’t move. Her sigh went right into the mouthpiece, loud and clear. “And–maybe… if you haven’t yet, maybe call your dad, too. Just to–just to make sure he’s okay.” Okay. “Okay. I love you. Talk soon.” There were still 20 minutes left in the oven. They couldn’t pass quickly enough.

ANYTHING ELSE?

Here is my Pinterest board for Wendy! 

Wendy is a lesbian. Used to be. Wendy used to be a lesbian – and God, even the word is ugly, isn’t it? Lesbian, like the name of another species, something grey-skinned and hairless crawling out of a crater. She outgrew it when she grew up. There were thoughts, and dreams, and wishes and whims, and when she was younger there were girls her age who stopped her breathing just by touching her – but that was frivolity, that’s all. She can be so frivolous sometimes. If it weren’t for her Daddy’s looking out for her, she might’ve lit her life on fire years ago just ‘cause she liked to watch the sparks.

No one’s ever hurt her worse than Charlie Taylor did. Would you believe she really loved that son of a bitch? Being a housewife felt about as natural as waxing her leg hair off, but she did it for him – and, like waxing, it hurt less over time. Sweet, serious Charlie. He’d been impressive to her long before the Sheriff’s badge: just a kid at 20 when they’d first met, and even then there’d been something steady about him. Something safe. And as they got older, they got older together, and they got married together, and they had their daughter together. It didn’t matter who they were in the dark, because they were a family together, a whole of sums, a house united. That’s what kept Wendy from leaving, all those years ago, back when she could’ve left him. They had made something together. Even when things were bad, they were still warm like a burnt-up dinner, bitter but still hearty all the same. She couldn’t spit in the face of a home-cooked home. Guess Charlie wasn’t burdened with the same sense of sacrifice, though, ‘cause he gave it all up to be himself. As if she hadn’t bit her tongue for him. As if she hadn’t swallowed blood.

When she was younger, Wendy’s lifelong dream was to climb the tallest tree in Devil’s Knot. Up by the river, where Ely Street met North State and the water folded over the rocks underneath – right there, that one, the one that stretched bare and empty on top like it was just made for a Christmas tree angel to sit. It didn’t matter that there were taller trees by the Campgrounds; she claimed that one back in elementary school, pointing and shielding her face from the sun. She practiced on the trees in her front yard. Her legs still show the scars where sharp bark and misplaced foot-holds left their marks. Wendy’s mom used to patch her up quietly in the bathroom after she fell off, be it bike or branch, and now when she tries to remember her mother, she thinks of how they’d wince together when the iodine hit her skin. Her mother, watching Wendy’s face and sucking in her own breath through her teeth like she could feel it, too. Like it hurt her to hurt her, no matter how small the pain.

It was never her lifelong dream to work for Great Lakes Cups, that’s for sure – but she really does like it well enough. She’s the franchise’s first female regional manager in Michigan, if you’ll believe that. Her! Wendy Taylor! Sometimes, when she’s feeling particularly scatter-brained and stupid, she’ll remind herself to look at the little name-plate they put on the wall outside her door. If she can run a whole office of a consumer products manufacturing company, then she can do just about anything. And if there’s anything she can’t do – well, she’s got her Daddy to help guide her halfway to home. No one was happier for her than him when she got the promotion. Not even Charlie, who by then was already her ex on barely-speaking terms, divorce papers pending. Her Daddy has been her biggest supporter, coach, and strategist for longer than she cares to remember. She can see that now. No matter how many times she doubts him, it’s only the toughest love that gets people to change. She wouldn’t be who she is without his. 

Wendy always knew she wanted kids. Charlie wanted them too, and when they had Jenny, everything changed all at once. It was like another version of herself had been growing in her, too, right there in the womb next to her daughter. She gave birth to both of them. She saw it. She knows it’s crazy, but she saw it – and it wasn’t a hallucination, either. Pastor Jeff’s on her side. He says that the Creator has His ways of showing people what plans He has in store. After years of fighting and flailing and keeping God out of her heart, Wendy is finally ready to listen.

[americasnexttoprecap-blog]

Cycle 1 Episode 1

The Girl Who Wants it Bad aka.  The boring first episode where you aren’t emotionally invested yet. 

These early 2000s graphics are amazing.

Tyra montage, theme song, The Hopefuls arrive for casting, 10 girls going home, pressure.  

Some girl called Natalie says she was hoping that everyone would be short and fat but they’re all tall and thin.  Natalie must have thought she auditioned for Next Top Hobbit.

Tyra(nt) arrives wearing a brown body suit (#fashun) and chats with The Hopefuls.  We see a snippet of some blonde girl’s audition tape.  She whips her hair around while standing near motorcycles and then gets on all fours and grinds up against the cold, cold cement of the garage floor.  It looks like very bad amateur porn but it’s nice to know she has a back-up career in mind.

Some curly haired brunette girl’s tape comes up next, and she lists her attributes from A to Z.  ‘A for my awesome ass, B for my blossoming breasts’.  I gag just a little bit, but I think I’m coping ok until we find out W is for ‘I like it wet’. Then I throw up in my mouth and have to watch some Little House on the Prairie to cleanse my mind.

Elyse the medical student is first into the judging room.  She is asked if she has a passion for modelling, and she says it’s not something she could do her whole life, unlike medicine.  Kiss of death.  Next! Although she then says she can defer medicine but she can’t defer being 20.  Not unless you do really, really well in medical school, Elyse.

Ebony from Harlem is ‘bald and beautiful’, so Tyra(nt) can make her the token edgy girl. Tyra(nt) will love that.  

Kate is an animal activist, which you wouldn’t know about her cause she’s pretty.  Animal activists are always fat and ugly and everyone knows that.  “Like, I love animals.  No one knows that I’m an animal activist.  I’m with PETA, I do help them and email Congress, and like… the wolves… and like trying to save them, um, like I just saved 5 polar bears’.  Exact transcript.  In her audition tape we see her sitting among a bed of cushions covered in animal print.  Tyra(nt) asks her if she’s a vegetarian and she says ‘No, but I eat chicken’.  I don’t understand anything that’s just happened.

April wants to be a supermodel cause hair and makeup and travel.  She gets about 15 seconds of air time, so thank you for coming, goodbye, next!

Natalie has the sad music from the second she walks in.  This means she has a good sob story.  Yep!  Oldest of 8 kids, drug addict mum, foster care. She doesn’t fit in in any other job except modelling and her siblings need someone to look up to.  Natalie; you’re in.  Next!

Shannon has the sweet, nice small town girl music. She is super Christian. She was ‘saved’ at the age of 10.    Someone asks her is she’s a virgin (inappropriate level 200).  She says yes, but “I told my mama, I said ‘My wedding’s gonna be cut short, and imma be GONE BABY!’” I feel uncomfortable.

Ah, Garage Ground Grinder’s name is Justine.  We see the ground grinding again, plus some bonus footage or her rubbing her snatch. There’s also a Tonka truck in the background of her video, and a vacuum cleaner.  What is even happening.  Someone asks her what she has that the other blondes don’t have.  She says “…A better looking face?”  Then we cut to her one on one interview thing and she says ‘I mean at this point I just can’t stand anybody.  There’s a few that I don’t even know why they’re here.”  We see a few quick snaps of her gyrating on different furniture in the judging room.  She walks out proclaiming how fab she was.  She’s either going to get in for the #DRAMA or she’s screwed.  

Quick break in judging to show us the girls hanging out in a room together.  Shannon thinks it’s one big slumber party.  Elyse agrees, everyone’s the greatest. But upstairs Natalie wasn’t invited to the party.  She’s not clicking with anyone apparently.

Kesse has the sad music. Someone asks her about her relationship with her mother.  They don’t get on.  Her father was shot and killed.  She’s not here to make friends, #thisisacompetition.  The #thisisacompetition tally has begun.

Adrianne is a rock’n’roll tomboy (self-proclaimed, I would never write those words of my own accord). She also has the most drawly voice ever. She might be dragging her words out to a minimum of 5 seconds each to get extra air time.  Well played Adrianne.

The next 5 girls get about 3 seconds air time each.  Not  a good sign.  Shawna is on another level. Curly haired A-Z girl’s name is Christina and she stands out cause curly.   She refrains from touching herself or talking about her lubrication preferences this time.  Well done Christina.  Nicole is in law school.  Lenora also stands out cause curly (I see a potential problem here).  Jakai says she loves her body, then asks if the judges want to see it.  The camera cuts off just as she begins pulling off her fabulous ’03 burnt orange turtleneck.  While we’re on that, holy shit so many turtle necks.

Nicole has a weird hybrid between the nice, sweet girl music and the sad music.  This is because she is a nice, sweet girl but she got bullied so she has a sob story.  Nice-cole wants it really, really bad.  Really bad. This is just ideal.  

Robin was Miss Sheppardville Tennessee, and competed in Miss Libhaodsfasdf (didn’t catch it even though I rewound several times, enlighten me please), and Miss Soybean Festival. An impressive resume.  She used to weigh 204 pounds, but now she ‘embodies the average woman’.  

We see a whole bunch of girls lounging around backstage who had no airtime.  Cannon fodder.

Justine is watching everyone be annoying and can’t even.  

OMG #DRAMA.  Tyrant needs 10 girls, but she and the producers can only agree on 8.  ONLY 8 WILL BE GOING TO NEW YORK.  

First called; Nice-cole. Knew it.

Second; Robin (although Tyra(nt) calls her up as Miss Soybean. I’m adopting that).

Kesse, Elyse, Patron Saint of Polar Bears (Katie), and Ebony are called next.

ONLY TWO TO GO.

Adrianne!  She makes a rock and roll gesture with her hands and groans out YUUUURRRR.  I kind of want to die. OMG she keeps doing it I’d really like her to stop. Justine looks so unimpressed. I agree.

Final girl is Sister Shannon.  

Justine cries.  She sums up the complexity of her emotions by saying ‘I just kinda… wanna go… you know?’ We know Justine.  We know.  

WE’RE IN NEW YORK!

GUYS SHE KEEPS DOING IT.

We go to the Model Dungeon, which is a penthouse.  

Beaded curtain.  It really is 2003.

The three Christian girls get a room together and immediately whip out their bibles and their posters of hot dudes.  Elyse is weirded out, because she is a ‘militant’ atheist.  

OMG #DRAMA.  Two new girls are being brought in to fill out the magic ten number that Tyra(nt) needs. Giselle has been in the spotlight her whole life.  Tyra(nt) says her personality is so strong.  This means she is the designated bitch for this series.  So THAT’S why Justine got cut.  Sorry Justine, the position has been filled.  

Tessa is a hostess and girl next door from Chicago.  She thinks the girls don’t like her already.  

Giselle sees major competition between her and Patron Saint of Polar Bears.  Tessa doesn’t like Nice-cole for the same reason.

Adrianne and Tessa are smoking in one of the rooms.  This would never fly today. Robin is not happy.  Fair enough Robin.

Some bloke called John comes in and says he’s their trainer.

OH. MY. GOD.  They’re weighing them all.  Height and weight.  They are then displaying their height and weight.  THIS WOULD NEVER FLY TODAY.  Everyone talks about how tiny Elyse is and how fat Robin is.  THIS WOULD NEVER FLY TODAY.

HOLY GOD NOW SOME WOMAN HAS TURNED UP TO GIVE EVERYONE A BRAZILIAN.  THIS. WOULD. NEVER. FLY. TODAY.  Feminism is dead.  Not going to lie though, I’m enjoying this waxing scene.  So much awkward.  

TYRA(nt) MAIL! Although it’s not called Tyra mail in this, it’s just mail.  That particular gimmick apparently hasn’t been birthed yet. Thank fuck, maybe we won’t have to see the ridiculous cheese that is ‘Skull Mail’.

Bikini photo shoot, hence the wax.  Thank God, wouldn’t want people who want to buy bikinis thinking women grow unsightly natural hair.

Some people are late (Robyn, Kesse, Shannon and Ebony), some people are shitty.  The early birds leave without the late comers.  Late comers get a cab.  Tyra(nt) gives them a lecture. Boring.

Douglas Bizarro, which is definitely the name his parents gave him at birth, is the photographer.  He looks like an extra in Lord of the Rings.  Maybe this is America’s Next Top Hobbit.  OMG NATALIE WAS RIGHT.

The photoshoot will be on the roof, and it’s super cold, and they’re in bikinis.  No one is happy.

Photoshoot, photoshoot, cold, complaining, boring.  Random moment of Elyse saying that Robin has more insulation than her.  Rude. Then Giselle starts talking about how Robin is too old cause she’s 26.  Also rude.

Elyse can’t shut up about how cold it is and doesn’t do very well.  Ha.  Giselle is pretty sure she nailed it, and Douglas agrees.  Damn iit.

Katie not great (super porny), Shannon quotes the bible and says that’s why she knows she can do it, Kesse nails it.  

Dinner time, religion comes up, Elyse outs herself as an atheist and The Christians are super shocked. Robin feels sorry for her and says she’s going to hell.  

Another letter arrives. Wait, now they are calling it Tyra Mail? I’m so confused.  

It’s elimination time!  Judges are Janice Duckinson (those lips man), Beau Quillian (who?), Kimora Lee Simmons (Baby Phat designer, she had a boring reality show once.  I would never review it), Lord of The Dougs, and of course Tyrant.

WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, THE PICTURES AND SNIDE JUDGEMENTS.

PATRON SAINT OF POLAR BEARS (KATIE)

Porny.  Janice Duckinson hates it cause porny.  

KESSE

Judges like it. Was only the second picture they took.  This means Kesse is totes a natural. Side note, everyone is pronouncing her name differently and I don’t know what’s real anymore.

ADRIANNE

Huge feet (apparently), good face.

NICE-COLE

Out of all the girls Lord of the Dougs photographed, he thinks she was the strongest.

EBONY

Kimbra says her personality shows.  Janice Duckinson says she has to work on her thighs and she should watch the diet and exercise.  I’m going to make This Would Never Fly Today a hashtag cause I feel it’s going to be happening a lot.  #thiswouldneverflytoday.  I like hers the best.  

GISELLE

Super exotic, awesome mole on face or something.  Lord of the Dougs doesn’t like Giselle in person but she blew him away on camera.

SISTER SHANNON

Janice Duckinson thinks she’s super thin, so much ribcage, but it’s ok because she’s only 18. #thiswouldneverflytoday.  Tyra thinks she’s awesome, Lord of the Dougs thinks she tans too much and she’s leathery.  That would probs fly today.  Slip slop slap!

 TESSA

Lord of the Dougs says the bikini was unflattering.  Tessa says she felt exposed in so little clothing.  Janice Duckinson says she might be picking the wrong industry. Fair call.

 ROBIN

Janice Duckinson immediately asks if she’s shooting for the ‘Large Size Category’.  FUCK.  OFF. JANICE.  Kimora says she’s like really old.

 ELYSE

I think Beau speaks for the first time when he asks if she’s naturally that thin.  She says she is.  Janice Duckinson loves it which is obviously a complete shock.  Beau doesn’t.  Tyra thinks it’s ok if it’s natural.  Lord of the Dougs says nada.

 The judges deliberate. Janice Duckinson immediately launches a witch hunt against Robin because ‘America’s Next Top Model is not a plus sized model’.  She immediately vouches for Elyse.  I think Janice Duckinson has issues.  Blah blah blah chatting about everyone, Katie too sexy, everyone’s boring.

ELIMINATION TIME.

Ebony in, Elyse in, Kesse in, Adrianne in, Katie in, Nice-cole in, Giselle in, Robin in (suck it Janice Duckinson).  

WILL TESSA AND SISTER SHANNON PLEASE STEP FORWARD.

Tessa is out.  Who is going to smoke with Adrianne now?  Simon and Garfunkel plays.  Random.