#but I am neither of those
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I wish there were a space to discuss my experiences with dying and being dead.
Mortemate Flag
Mortemate: a headmate who is deceased, and may appear as a ghost or spirit internally.
Coined by: Redacted of the Rust&Stardust System
Flag by: me!
#mortemate#system terms#not a ghost or a spirit#but certainly dead#I wish there were a space to discuss such experiences#I feel alienated in alterbeing and cotard spaces#me being dead has nothing to do with my vessel in this world#I am fully aware that the vessel is alive#I see talk of vampires and ghosts#but I am neither of those#I am a creature of death#I had to die to fully develop due to being born alive#I am not undead#but I am the animated dead#I carry exotrauma from my death#I have to grapple with what it means to be dead#I feel like a monster for the nature of my being#I feel dead even here#this vessel is not dead#but I am dead
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I love Arson he's my favorite heater but I should really get a cheap laptop one day so I can leave the house to write because the Noise. Is . Too Much. I need to go write in the forest
#I live in a very very full and busy house hold#and sometimes it makes it extremely difficult to work#both on art stuff and packaging#but also writing especially#i have horrible executive dysfunction but on good days ill still try and get thwarted by multiple inturruptions and loud sounds#and on bad days ill just completely shut down from it all#adhd meds and headphones cannot fix Other People In My Space lmao#sara shush#personal#complaining#Unfortunately if i ask to be left alone or for quieter volume i will get neither of those even if i lock my door#I legit have a sign on my door that lets people know when im live streaming and have asked not even volume control just to be left alone#and there will still be knocking on my door for questions like 'can you go get something from the store'#i need. people to understand that if i am busy esp if i am doing packages and stickers and stuff that i am WORKING#please treat it like im at a 9-5 office building somewhere act like i dont exist#you dont just walk into someones place of work and start venting/asking them of things while theyre at their job#'but you're at home' yes and im still working and i have communicated this several times#i did not mean to vent but GOD
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Redesign of my dumb chicken OC
He’s not actually a Riders OC (despite being a bird and despite me being obsessed with that game lmao)- he’s actually more of a Forces character and is a medic in the Resistance. I’ll design his Resistance uniform at some point
Original design:
#art#OC tag#Sonic OC#Sonic fan character#Sonic the Hedgehog#Sonic fanart#Gauze#Gauze the Chicken#reference sheet#Lowkey considering calling him Gauze Star (His name is Gauze and he is a sussex star chicken) but for now he's just Gauze the Chicken#He's not specifically the Forces avatar/rookie either btw- he's just an OC based on the game#Also I am 100% going to have to simplify those shoes because drawing them once was already once too much lmao#I can't decide if he should be a speed or fly type. Chickens can't actually fly but neither can foxes so I'm not gonna worry about that lol#He has the green/hover wispon so he could use that to fly anyway
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I actually think Dorian and Orym should fight more.
Remember when their slowly building tension over and entire episode (full of passive aggressive remarks and blame throwing) led to threats? And how after, Orym thanked Dorian for handing over the crown sadly because he knew Dorian would be mad at him? And Dorian couldn't even look at him because he was legitimately hurt, thinking Orym was disappointed in him for doing what he thought was right? That was peak.
The fact they went from that to their current closeness and trust is the best part of their entire dynamic. Their relationship was hard fought and still will be. They will fight for it because they respect and care for one another deeply, and their disagreements don't change that, only improve it.
#critical role#cr3#orym#dorian#dorym#text post#cr discourse#'dorian deserved that actually and is being stupid by agreeing with ludinus'#'orym was too mean and needs to be quiet about his trauma'#just say you don't understand their characters#or that they are characters#you don't have to agree with them. they can make decisions you wouldn't make and disagree with#its good tv regardless#dorian didnt deserve that and orym was too harsh#dorian needed to be reminded of the consequences of indulging those ideas and viewpoints and orym is tired of this discussion happening#these things can coexist#neither of them have the whole picture here. we can't judge them based off of what we as viewers know#dorian didn't see first hand what the ruby vanguard has done. only what the spider queen did so thats on his mind more than anything#orym didnt see first hand (nor hear many details) about opal and cyrus. only what the vanguard has been doing to them for months#let them bicker and argue#its the best part#only going near the discourse because i have been waiting years for more of this and bitches on twitter are complaining about it#and often from people who don't even like orym (or sometimes dorian). go back to ignoring them and let me enjoy this moment in peace#i know i am adding to the discourse but i needed to find other people who want more dorym relationship drama before we get more fluff
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Pull my strings.
Treat me ~ Tip Me ~ More of me
#I have neither the strength nor energy to tighten my corset properly today but I was desperate for the comfort of wearing one ✨#After days of being a snotty plague ridden pj lump.. I am now all of those things but with pretty lingerie on underneath. Much better 🤧😷😂#satans knitwear#Underbust corset#cheeky#alt pinup#pinup girl#Blue lace lingerie#Satin and lace
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Hey yall!
it's been one of those weeks. a very, very expensive week. my savings will be completely wiped, but I can't open commissions, so it's not looking too hot for me right now. I'm not in any danger of eviction or other major consequences, but I can't front the costs by myself.
If you'd like to help out by chipping in a little bit, I've got the tl;dr over here! https://ko-fi.com/endivinity There's a pack of every public deathclaw artwork available through that as well, if you'd like a bonus incentive.
Long version and plan of attack under the cut!
I've been medically unemployed for a couple of years now. I've also been recently diagnosed with ADHD - inattentive. I was given an initial trial course of meds for them, which so far aren't working in any helpful ways. NZ has free prescriptions... but it does not have free mental health diagnoses, and especially not for adults. The initial diagnosis appointments cost me $1100, and there are at-cost followup appointments and other medical related costs that are chipping away at it. My medication will need reviewing and possibly switching, which requires more at-cost appointments. This was fine for me to pay! But. Miraculously, I barely self-medicated prior to diagnosis but when I did.... it was with sugary foods. I'm sure you can see where this ends up :'D
The other day I got hit with a dental bill that was not only staggering, but the treatment itself was a gutpunch. I'm not quite at root canal level but two of my teeth are tending towards it, even as the dentist commended my brushing and flossing. The quote is between $3200-4000 (give or take a couple non-priority preventative treatments). I can get government funding assistance up to $1000, and anything beyond that is a loan.
And unrelated I NEED new glasses, because the vision in my left eye from uveitis has deteriorated significantly. this costs less at i think $200-300, but the government does NOT assist with this for... some reason??
The plan of attack:
I'd - hoped, that the meds would let me focus more on owed work. I'd hoped I'd be able to clear the board. That's not the case right now. I'll keep trying, but for now I have to focus on the present.
So, the Ko-fi page is open! There's PWYW files of every deathclaw art I have, so if you'd like to help me out and get convenient lizards instead of browsing my posts, that's the option for you. I will also be making deathclaw designs to auction. I'd like to do customs in future because there's a hungry hungry market out there, waiting for me to do so, but that'd be a commission and I wouldn't complete it. So, premades it will be. My Inprnt store is currently barren; I will see about getting it filled. That'll be linked later. I can't mail out my print stock I use for cons, because I don't have a car or easy access to shipping packaging for larger prints. (And shipping would be immense because, NZ)
So far those are my only attainable options. If you have other suggestions though, please let me know! <3
#nz govt be like: u need a psych to prescribe meds. no gp. also u need a reassessment every 3 years#and then like: [surprised pikachu] whys the adhd assessment waitlist 6-9 months long#i am officially NOT doing well. i reached a limit with the med failure and all this is pushing at it hard. as you can imagine#re: deathclaws no it's not 'technically legal' but neither are those $70 pokemon fusions i see on toyhouse ok. disrespect zenimax#deathclaw
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that old man yaoi brainrot got me good, folks
#poolverine#deadpool and wolverine#wolverine#deadpool#so the story I imagine with this one is#they start making out sloppy style (obvs) while logan is smoking a cigar on the fire escape (wade just cannot resist)#and neither one of them notices until the cigar burns down to logan's fingers#then they resurface for air coughing and spluttering from all the smoke they've been inhaling and exhaling#does this count as shotgunning?#shotgunning#cigar shotgunning even?#deadclaws#the wolverine#deadpool x wolverine#old man yaoi#old man yaoi brainrot on full display#I fear there is no cure and I must be tranquilized and released into a new habitat for my own good#but alas I am my own zookeeper and I don't wanna#so here we are#deadpool art#wade wilson#logan howlett#let those old men kiss sloppy style#and yes they are wearing each other's colors but with little bits of their own (lines in Logan's flannel and drawstring on Wade's hoodie)#and yeah they can smoke as much as they want because regenerative healing and wade is already like 50% cancer#what could happen
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Alternative form of 'Hitting Wangxian with a Catboyification beam'
#poorly drawn mdzs#mdzs#wei wuxian#lan wangji#I don't have much more of an explanation to this other than 'i was struck by the vision and needed to create it'#They are both catboy coded. To me. On slightly different alignments of catboy but still.#LWJ is catboy: Fussy + bites and WWX is catboy: Stinky#Neither of them take well to being moved from their nap spot.#I love reading lying on my stomach and my cat just loves it. Hates being moved. We are locked in combat post any cuddle sessions.#I am a cat lover. I love them. They are Rotten little Stinkers. I love them#LWJ is like. *the* definition of 'cat that only likes those its in a bonded pair with.#The kind of cat that screams if it sees any neighborhood cats wandering outside.#wwx is a 'outdoor cat that wandered inside and became domesticated but NOT owned' kinda guy.#he is a menace on the local bird population and the only reason he's not dad to all the kittens is that he got fixed young.#UNLESS: the golden core transfer here was the balls (?) Animal control took JCs balls and WWX gave his up (????)#((I Also Don't Know What I'm Saying))
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it’s actually so wild to me that this fairly quirky YA type show gave both of its main characters deaths that can, in one way or another, solidly be considered hate crimes. they were both flat out murdered as a result of being A) gay and effeminate or B) brown (south asian, specifically) and you could argue whether or not those kids thought of it that way in the moment or whatever but the bottom line is that they would not have been in the situations that killed them if they weren’t of their respective minorities. like legitimately that is a ballsy choice for this kind of netflix show, let alone for the two Main Characters, and i respect it big time
#rambling#i think about this a lot#you could brush charles’ off as a hate crime by proxy since it was in response to him Stopping a hate crime#but that would be stupid. like you think what happened to him would’ve happened if he was white? doubtful#as a mixed person the way i see it is that in that moment- when he protected that pakistani kid- he went from being tolerated#by being/acting just white enough and with enough other jock traits to sort of fit in amongst them#to all at once proving to them that no- he is in fact The Other. he isn’t one of us he’s one of Them.#and as such what happened to him would’ve been a bonafide hate crime. even if they were to give an excuse like ‘he got in our way’ or ‘he#made a fool out of us’ or whatever else. even if those boys didn’t fully UNDERSTAND the racism in their own intentions/actions#it still would be. because that would not have happened to a white boy. period#anyway. genuinely fascinating choice they made with the way they presented his death- especially considering it was not#remotely similar in the comics. neither of them had the hate crime aspect going on really up til yockey’s narrative choices#so props to him. man’s got balls#dead boy detectives#charles rowland#edwin payne#edit: I will say that I don’t think the boys in edwin’s case technically murdered him nor would I call them murderers#because I can’t imagine a single one of them actually thought that ritual was gonna do anything more than make him piss himself#it was still hate-based bullying. like they still absolutely did what they did because he’s visibly effeminate and easily clickable#and all in all: gay. but when I say edwin was murdered I don’t really mean by those boys. I mean those boys dragged him into the situation#(kicking and screaming) that GOT him murdered by a demon. and he would not have been in that position if not for being gay.#I’ll say it again because last time I talked about this someone got real pissy in my inbox: I am not excusing the actions of the boys that#got him killed nor am I saying what they did wasn’t based in homophobia. i am just clarifying that they didn’t intend on killing anyone or#think whatsoever that someone getting killed was even a possibility (as opposed to charles’ killers who definitely had to have thought he#could be killed even if that might not have been the premeditated goal of every boy involved)#but the fact that edwin was ultimately intentionally killed by a demon counts as murder to me#someone killed him on purpose. that’s murder#the demon probably didn’t give a shit about this human teenager’s sexuality but regardless he ended up there for being gay.#so. just. a clarification
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on leave
because I cannot resist drawing sillies
#Raven: I literally have NO TIME TO BE SICK- THOSE CONTRACTS AINT GOING TO FINISH THEMSELF *SNIFFLES*#Price: dear the deadline is 2 months for a reason you dont have to finish it in a day#Raven: what am I suppose to do?? STAY IN BED AND WASTE MY TIME??#Price: yes you /rest/ like a normal person#Raven: Im not normal#Price: neither am I so [tackles her to the bed]#self indulgent doodles again as i beat up cold#gummmyart#doodle#my oc#cod oc#[oc]Raven#PriceRaven#captain john price#captain john price x oc#john price x oc#captain price x oc
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nnnnnnnnnnnnno maa'am
#my want to draw traditionally literally split me open for the past week and leaves me literally depressed i'm so serious i can't even look -#- @ my art programs without wanting to throw up omfg should;ve never picked up those pencils#but it's ok i just needed a nap#something so relatable about them i think nelvas has something in it for everyone meanwhile eltl is secluded art museum.#it's very possible to walk around in neloth's and talvas' brains but eltl is off limits. they will NOT! get no drawings like this outta me#wtf r they thinking ........#< eltl not nelvas#something nobody on dis earth can understand ..........#talvas wants to live he likes living but neloth's presence is so strong that it overrides and deletes his will to live.#bruuuuuuuuh#i bet the feeling of neloff is in everything he does if they ever part ways he won't be able to fold clothes or anythign without wanting -#- 2 cry . for what reason . idk bc neloth once yelled at him for folding clothes like shit .what am i on rn#(talvas thoughts mode) I want this old man to hug meeee😢😢😢#NELOFF DO IT and smash him too before i do it first .#me and neloth are the same person tho so it doesn;t matter but w/e#i'm getting emotional over them right now this cannot be real#i love her .... (Skyr1m)#i opened the game for .5 minutes today to take pics of a character uight what a beautiful game.#Te/s having such extensive lore ruins the whole entire game and the franchise but whatever . skyr1m is an art piece that's just how i feel#also this might be a very hard pill to swallow for some people but t*lvas is literally a kin Vessel for young women that keep getting -#- hit on by men twice or thrice their age when they're just trying to live their life .#this feels so profound to me i need dis shit inmy discord bio right NOEW.#Talvas................................#(eyes watering) (holding palm out)#suicide //#just in case but this tag would've gone crazy with my drawings of ulfr*c from late 2022 where i drew him with slit wrists. very artsay#is it not. i didn't like neither of those drawings tho i need to revisit cus i can feel ulfr*c on a diffaraaant level#when will i run out of tags. the way you can tell i just LUH talvas look at me drawing his hair in that second pic 😑BRU#look at me also trying to replicate pencils digitally in the first.. hmmm i don't hate it#at least it soothes me and i don't have pencil withdrawal
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i go out of my way to tag my critical posts because i dont want to interrupt people's enjoyment of the game, but ive gotta say im getting really fucking annoyed at fan attitudes about anyone who has criticisms of the game at all
white people in the da fandom will hear "hey, why isnt the fact that racism/classism exists (which THE GAME has made clear for like 15 years now), and is systemic, ever mentioned or acknowledged in any real way in this game" and immediately have the worst bad faith take on the statement ever to immediately scream about how evil it is that People (because ofc they never imagine that any person of colour might be upset at the blatant erasure) Want Depictions of Bad Things like racism in their media
as an example, there is no consideration of slavery as a systemic practice in dock town - even as 'the poorest of the poor' social level, soporati are not slaves. i dont know if youve ever interacted with members of your society, but we do not fucking exist in a vacuum. dock town is not magically Not part of tevinter or tevinter politics - the fucking black divine literally has a whole fucking home base there. it literally wouldn't have taken that many changes either. we could have heard ambient banter about how the pay's shit, etc, but We All Know It Could Be So Much Worse (you could be enslaved). an ambient dialogue/banter about maybe someone working themselves desperately to the bone to try and buy their sibling back from servitude from a magister. like those are ugly situations, yeah, but do you see how that 1) lends some fucking depth to the population that is both consistent with the lore of previous games and 2) emphasising that people in dock town are not magisters, and are as subject to the whims of the ruling class as slaves are (can't believe i want class consciousness in my media, i know) and c) creating social and power distance between the magisters of tevinter and everyone else. but i dont recall getting anything like that in the game, but i do recall the two dockhands trying to awkwardly go on a date together. this is because veilguard is not interested in delving into these topics, which is a decision that was made, that i - a person who paid money for this game - get to criticise. on my own damn blog. under a read more on a correctly tagged post that you can choose not to engage with so as to not spoil your own hype.
YOU can't deal with your guilt so it makes YOU uncomfortable to see depictions of racism, but i dont have that problem. i don't get to opt out of racism in real life, i don't get to opt out of classism and casteism in real life, and so it's important to me to represent these experiences authentically and respectfully. if that kind of storytelling is not your cup of tea, that's fine, you can literally just say that - we all have different things we want out of our media. i might privately judge you but that's a valid take to have. but im getting really fucking annoyed by people acting Holier Than Thou and like Superior Understanders, and constantly undermining valid criticisms of how flat the sociopolitical contexts are in veilguard are either just Coming From The Racists, bad faith interpretations and/or illiterate idiots in the most fucking condescending way possible
#the amount of times ive immediately been called illiterate in fandom by white people is neither surprising nor disappointing.#do you know what you can do when you see criticisms you don't like btw? you can literally just look away.#im glad for those of you who liked the game. i really am. i also dont HATE veilguard#but i swear to fucking GOD if another person on my dash acts like the Superior Understander by calling other people illiterate for#[checks posts] disagreeing with your video game opinions... i hope you eat shit.#bioware isnt going to fuck you no matter how hard you jerk them off btw.#fandom critical#veilguard critical#veilguard spoilers
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HELLO CATTLEPUNK NATION, IVE BEEN REJUVENATED… I MADE NEW DESIGNS FOR THEM (mostly cuz Ichabod’s was sauceless, god bless)
#jrwi riptide#cattlepunk#drey ferin#jrwi ichabod#jay ferin#chip jrwi#gillion tidestrider#jrwi ensa#jrwi birdbolt#birdbolt#jrwi shipping#jrwi fanart#tv’s art#I am NOT immune to cowboy/pirate propaganda#and neither are you#I say like I’m not the only one drawing it#EXCEPT FOR THOSE CUTESIE ANIMATICS THIS IS FOR YOU GHOST#sorry that I dropped the Ichabod redesign right after you posted them please forgive me#Sureshots loveeeee engineers in cropped/no shirts… it runs in the family… can I get an amen#im tagging the albatrio and ensa cuz they’re all in at least one doodle i hope that’s okay lol#anyway. uh. I’m bonkers.#I hate college cus I just wanna draw cattlepunk but god said I need a 4.0
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the readers group guide at the end of the wicked years finishing with this question is so . can you lay the hell off her
#(IN TEARS) SHE TRIED SHE TRIED SO HARD.#calling it a baptismal splash considering fabala’s. everything with religion 😀#good questions though. can’t front#let me give an answer actually. i think the story of a person can be both a tragedy and a triumph and elphaba's certainly is both.#there is triumph in that such a tortured heart spent decades trying to right injustices and heal the sick when she was at her most hurt#and longs for forgiveness and protects those she considered under her charge. even when she was clumsy with love#and struggled to receive and acknowledge it because of her pain. even when she lost her way and burned bridges#and lashed out when cornered with grief and loss and failure. i think she needed no redemption only rest#though i wish the world could have made it a gentler one. one would be hard pressed not to consider many aspects of her life a tragedy.#but i don't regret her and i'm sure neither do those who tried to love her#a life so brave so singular so unrelentingly lived is a triumph. but i am a sentimental guy!#chats
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Saw asshole earlier today and he sneezed bc it was dusty and my immediate response was "lmao gross" as it always is, but then he fucking goes "some people get off on that, you know" and naturally I was horrified 😭 but he laughed at the face I made probably bc he though I was scandalized, and he doubled down with "yeah some people think sneezing is sexy so you're welcome" LIKE DOES HE KNOW. DOES HE KNOW OR IS HE JUST MAKING FUN OF ME
#snz#i hate it here bro wtf was that 😭#like genuinely idk if he knows about the kink#or if he's rule 34ing in and assuming it exists#or if it's neither of those and he's just poking fun at me for being a germaphobe#but regardless i was mortified#like i was fr just trying to vibe#how am i supposed to be normal under these circumstances#also idk what to call him here ahdkkask#like he's still my partner but that word has Connotations and he's just my work partner#for now lmao#but still idk how i should refer to him so he can just be asshole for now ahdkakks#partner posting
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BONUS
#DON'T LOOK AT ME#i am not responsible for the thoughts in my brain when i see maximus in this outfit#it's like a whole extra level of wet dream inducing hotness#LOOK AT THOSE ARMS#HIS NECK#HIS ABSOLUTELY UNFLAPPABLE FACE#i am so obsessed with the fourth one when he's snarling at haken#i could write an essay on it#maybe one day when my brain is saying more than “hmmshdsdhj hahaajsksdshf SEX”#who knew that an academy-award winning scrap of sackcloth could be the sexiest costume on earth#HE'S BUILT FOR IT#yeah i spent a long time getting the perfect shot of the back of his neck#there are several throughout the movie but that one is. that one is special#IS IT HOT IN HERE OR IS IT JUST SJBDGSAFSDFKSDSKAFHJ#sorry guys#if i'm not going full nosferatu on his gorgeous neck and back what's the point of anything#i am SO HOT for this man it's ridiculous#i want him to SLAM me into that rock wall and BANG me until neither of us can breathe#AUSEFGSGFHAJSJASK I'M FALLING APART#gladiator#maximus#maximus decimus meridius#gladiator 2000#russell crowe#low quality screencaps of a high quality man
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