#but I am just one in a million on that front
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Big Mama Pt. 8
Pairing: Terry Richmond x Plus Size Fem Black!OC
Wordcount: +4.1K đ€«
Warnings: MDNI (18+) mature content, such as cursing, teasing, no smut (alluding to sexual situations), heavily dialogue-centered, use of Daddy, Mama, and other pet names (lil' mama, pretty girl, etc.), spanking, FLUFF, kinks mentioned
A/N: I don't know how many parts there will be. However, I'm open to critiques. I am a little đ€đœ sensitive about my writing. Please, don't be too harsh.đ„ș Feel free to bring my attention to any typos. Divider by ME (theereina). Also, this work is not to be plagiarized or reposted (on any site other than here on Tumblr). I do NOT give consent for any form of republishing or rewriting.
Big Mama Pt. 1 => đŠ
Big Mama Pt. 2 => đŠ
Big Mama Pt. 3 => đŠ
Big Mama Pt. 4 => đŠ
Big Mama Pt. 5 => đŠ
Big Mama Pt. 6 => đŠ
Big Mama Pt. 7 => đŠ
*Masterlist: đ„đ„đ„
âTerry, can you move? Damn. You don't have to be in my skin 24/7,â I laughed, hitting Terry through my moo-moo. He was underneath my nightgown and resting his face on my belly since we were both lying on the couch.
âLeave me the hell alone, woman. Iâm comfortable,â he said, squeezing the back of my thighs.
âToo fuckinâ comfortable, and that's the damn problem. Get up!â I said, attempting to push him. I tugged the nightgown from over his head.
âHell, no! Move again and see what happens. I dare you!â Terry said, tightening his grip.
âI would be wrong to whoop your ass. Wouldnât I?â I asked. Terry smacked his lips and pulled the nightgown back over his head.
I leaned up on my elbows and pushed Terry on the floor. âIâm hungry! Iâm hot, and you wonât leave me alone!â I pouted.
Terry looked at me from the floor. âNow, if I whooped your ass, would I be wrong?â he asked while standing.
âYes. Yes, the hell you would. Would you really whoop your baby?â I said, batting my eyelashes.
âHell yeah. Now, come on!â Terry said, lifting me off the couch. I was cradled in his arms like a baby. âSpoiled ass. I canât even be mad. Itâs my own damn fault,â he said as he carried me to his kitchen.
He leaned over to place me on my feet. âYou cooking, or am I?â he asked, kissing my forehead. I pointed towards him. âAight. Whatchu want?â he asked, crossing his arms.
This was a no-brainer for me. I turned towards the counter and grabbed the loaf of raisin bread, holding it up in front of Terry. âFrench Toast, again. Really, mama? You ain't tired of it, yet?â he asked, grabbing the bread.
âNope. I can eat it a million more times as long as you make it,â I said, hugging his abdomen.
âAight. Itâs whateva you say, love. Extra cinnamon, right?â he asked, looking down at me.
I smiled while shaking my head yes. If there was ever a moment that showed how much I had Terry wrapped around my finger, this would be it.
30 minutes later
âDo you want eggs, mama?â Terry asked while standing at the stove.
âYes, scrambled. Oh, and with cheese!â I said, sitting at the kitchen island.
âI know, baby girl,â Terry said, cracking the eggs into a separate pan.
âSo, what are we gonna do today? It looks like itâs gonna rain,â I asked, rising from the chair.
âHmmm⊠I don't know. Weâll figure something out,â Terry said, shrugging his shoulders.
I walked to the fridge and looked around for the ingredients to make my iced coffee. I pulled out the coffee concentrate, almond milk, and creamer.
âCan you make me one? Same as last time. I liked the syrup you used,â Terry asked, looking over at me.
âSure. Just so you know, I used two syrupsâ white chocolate and sugar cookie. Oh, and thank you again for buying them,â I said placing everything on the counter.
Walking around the kitchen, I opened the cabinet to grab two glasses. âWhere are the syrups?â I asked, biting the inside of my lip.
âCabinet by the fridge,â Terry said, nodding his head.
I opened the cabinet and saw the syrups on the third shelfâ the shelf I couldn't reach. I reached towards them to see if I could knock them down. I leaned on the counter and tried to get closer, but nothing worked. I hoisted myself up so that my thighs were on the counter.
As soon as my knees were on the counter, Terryâs arm looped around my waist. âNo, ma'am. I think not,â he huffed.
âI could've reached them. I almost had it,â I said while Terry grabbed the bottles from the top shelf. With me still cradled under his arm, he placed the syrups down and closed the cabinet.
âYou know I'm not a kid, right?â I said, crossing my arms.
Terry put me down and looked at me before speaking, âYeah, but that doesn't stop you from beinâ clumsy. Now, does it?â he asked frankly.
I stood there in shock. âMove!â I laughed, pushing past him to grab the syrups. Terry walked around me to go back to the stove.
âWatch yaâself. You playinâ witâ fire, mama,â Terry said as he continued to make breakfast.
âTry me,â I mumbled under my breath.
Terryâs head snapped to look at me. Our eyes locked in a playfully tense gaze. We both began to smirk at each other. It was clear we were both in a goofy mood. I fought to hold my gaze but couldnât. I was never going to win a staring contest against this green-eyed bastard. I looked down at the ingredients for the coffee, fighting the urge to laugh.
âThatâs yoâ one free pass. Next time, itâs me and you, mama. Understood?â Terry grumbled continuing to cook.
âMaybe,â I said, shrugging my shoulders. âI don't know. I'm feelinâ⊠feelinâ a littleâŠ,â I mumbled while making the base for our coffees.
âA little nothing. Havana Rose⊠You skatinâ on thin ice, girl. Watch it!â he said without looking back at me.
I could hear the smile on Terryâs face. Honestly, this wasn't doing anything but putting me in a playful mood. Terry moved all the finished food to the opposite side of the kitchen island. I stopped making the coffee and walked to the cabinets where the plates were. I opened it and pulled down two large plates. I walked back over to Terry. I could see him tense up a bit because he immediately knew I was up to no good. I wanted to play, so I slid in between Terry and the island, letting my butt rub against his groin. I pushed my hips back, making sure to press my ass against his dick.
âHere you go, Daddy,â I said, putting the plates in front of us.
As I began to slide from in front of Terry, his hand came down on my left ass cheek. It felt like like my ass was on fire.
âOw! That fuckinâ hurt!â I screamed while holding my hands over my butt.
Before I could turn around, his other hand came down on the back of my uncovered thighs.
âHavana! Language!â he said, turning back to the food. He picked up a spatula and began plating the French Toast and eggs. His ability to just continue doing shit like nothing happened always pissed me off.
I walked back over to the unfinished coffee, sporting a full pout. I loved hated when he did that. I was only joking with his overly serious ass. Sometimes, I wished Mr. Ex-Marine would lighten up with his mean ass.
âCute,â Terry laughed, clearly picking at me pouting.
I wanted to cuss his ass out, but I knew better. I chose to hold my tongue and say nothing in return. I just continued to finish the coffee.
15 minutes later
âYou almost done?â Terry asked, reaching across the island to stroke my chin.
âYeah,â I said, finishing the last pieces of strawberries on my plate.
I looked up at Terry. His elbows were propped up as he ate while scrolling on his phone. His mouth was doing that cute little twitch when he was thinking. Damn, he was even fine without trying to be. Ever since that night, Iâve been getting caught up over the smallest thingsâ the way his chest flexes and jiggles when he moves, the way his ears wiggle when he's laughing too hard, the way he⊠Aw, shit. Here I go again.
âHavana! Mama! Hey, you listeninâ?â Terry said, getting my attention.
âHuh? What? I wasâŠâ I said, biting my lip in embarrassment.
âYou were lookinâ at me, but I felt like you were lookinâ through me. You good?â Terry asked, leaning to stand up straight.
âIâm fine. I was just thinkinâ,â I said, pushing my plate away. I was honestly fighting the urge to jump across the island and fuâ let me chill.
âJust checkinâ on you, mama,â Terry said, smiling at me. He grabbed our plates and put them in the sink.
âDon't worry. I got the dishes,â I said, sliding off the stool.
âYou sure?â Terry asked, watching me closely.
I nodded my head yes. I stood at the kitchen sink and began quickly doing the dishes. I could feel Terryâs eyes lingering on me. I didn't want to turn around and look. As if he could sense the tension, Terry walked up behind me and wrapped his arms around my waist.
âYou look so cute, but I know that face. Whereâs your head, âVana?â he asked, leaning down to kiss my neck.
âI don't know. Daydreaminâ, I guess. I wanted to go out, butâŠâ I said, shrugging my shoulders.
âWe can always go out later, mama. Itâs just after 10 in the morning,â he replied.
âI know. Iâve been in the house for daysâ baking and getting out orders. I wanted to be anywhere but inside today,â I pouted.
Terry began kissing me repeatedly all over my face. âI know. We'll just try later. I promise. Alright?â he said.
âOkay,â I said, huffing in slight frustration. Terry tapped me on the butt before walking off.
I silently finished washing the dishes and cleaning the rest of the kitchen.
I turned to see Terry sitting on the couch, staring out the window. The rain was pouring. I knew it wasn't going to slow down any time soon. My mood was instantly dampened.
âYou know when we were kids the rain used to ruin our whole day. Now, I can stare at it for hours,â Terry said, leaning back with his arm over the couch.
âDidn't we all? I used to hate it because of my hair. Well, that and I couldn't run fast enough. I always got wet no matter how hard I tried,â I said, leaning against the counter.
âWhat you mean?â he asked, looking over at me.
âTerry, I been big my whole life. Imagine my thick, clumsy ass running through the ran. I got so tired of getting my ass beat for ruining school clothes because I slipped and fell somehow. After a while, I just stopped trying. I'd rather be wet than dirty,â I laughed.
âDamn. So, you really have always been clumsy? Here I was thinkinâ it was me making you nervous. That's kinda disappointing,â he said, pouting and sticking out his bottom lip.
âTerrence Richmond, I know damn well you aren't pouting. So, you really don't like the fact that I'm not swooninâ over yoâ ass. Get the fuâ,â I said before Terry's eyes cut to me. He raised his eyebrow as a warning. I raised my hands as a sign of an apology.
âI see we still got some work to do when it comes to that mouth of yours,â Terry said, glaring at me.
âWhat?! I caught it. I didn't even say the last one. How are you still mad? Iâm a work in progress, remember?â I asked, rolling my eyes.
âRollâem again. Go ahead! You really been tryinâ me today, love. You want Daddy's attention, huh?â he asked, laughing at me.
âNope, I could care less. Sorry,â I said, shrugging my shoulders.
Terry instantly rose from the couch. I knew better than to stay where I was. He was much faster than me, in every aspect of the word.
âDon't even think about runninâ!â Terry commanded.
I took off towards the hallway, sprinting into his bedroom. I slammed the door behind me. I locked it right when his hand began twisting the doorknob.
âAh ha! Gotta be quicker than that!â I yelled, giggling like a child. I stood in the middle of the room, holding my stomach from laughing so hard.
Before I could even celebrate my small victory, the door swung open. Terry's large frame came around the door like a prowling lion.
âYou gotta remember I'm an ex-Marine, love. This silly lilâ lock ain't stoppin' shit,â he said, turning around to lock the door again.
âOh, come on. There's no way. You couldn't let me win this one time?â I said, folding my arms. I began to walk backward into the room.
Terry was quiet. His posture resembled a stalking predator, and I was more than prey. I had unknowingly trapped myself in a fuckin' room with a damn savageâ a deviant. The back of my thighs hit the bed.
âTerryâŠâ I whined, sitting on the bed. I began scooting to the center of the bed.
âNahhh, what's wrong? Scared?â he asked standing in front of me.
He climbed on the bed and positioned himself between my legs. He used his knees to push mine apart. He grabbed the back of my thighs and pulled me closer to him. I squealed out in content.
âWould you stop? You psychopath!â I yelled, trying to push Terry away.
âNah, let's have fun!â Terry said, sliding his hands under my gown.
I instantly thought his hands would go to my breasts or pussy, but they didn't. This fuckinâ bastard was tickling me! His hands were all over my body, torturing me and sending me into a fit of laughter. Tears were prickling my eyes, causing my vision to blur. Terryâs large frame became nothing more than a shadow as he hovered over me.
âYou done?â he asked, gripping the collar of my gown in a closed fist.
I looked away from his face. I was trying to buy myself time to breathe.
Terry gripped my collar tighter, âOh, you don't wanna talk?â he said, leaning on top of me.
His hands were back on me as his lips kissed my neck. My laughing was the only thing that could be heard throughout the apartment. Besides low muffled grunts and shallow breathing, Terry wasn't making a sound. His sole mission was to tickle me to death. I don't know what was worse, his hands or lips, but unbeknownst to him, this was setting off a fire that I wasn't sure we could stop. With every kiss, I craved more. Luckily, the intensifying yearning for more than a quick kiss was fizzled out by the enjoyment of the present moment. I felt like a kidâ a happy one.
I screamed as loud as I could. Terry's hand flew over my mouth. âThat's not nice! We have neighbors,â he said, kissing my cheek.
âPlease!â I yelled through his hand.
Terry removed his hand from my mouth. âWhat you say? I ain't hear yaâ, mama,â he said, kissing my lips.
âPlease! I have to pee! If I piss myself, imma make sure I piss on you. Then again, that might be a kink for yoâ nasty ass!â I said lifting my leg between us.
âWe don't kink shame in this house, âVana, especially considering what you had me doin',â he said, grabbing my leg. He pushed the back of my thigh so my knee was in my chest.
âOh, stop it. You act like that was the wildest thing ever. You sure weren't complaininâ when you had me on that barn floor witâ my ass in the air,â I said, squirming underneath him.
âOh, you wanna be a smartass. Unh unh, stop movin'!â he said, pressing me deeper into the mattress.
âTerry, I have to pee! Please, we can continue this lilâ game right after, honey. Just give me a break,â I begged. If I didn't get up in the next minute, I was going to soak this bed and not in a âgoodâ way.
âFine!â Terry said, letting me up.
âTHANK YOU!â I said, flying off the bed. I ran to the bathroom, feeling like I wouldn't make it.
After relieving myself, I entered back into the bedroom. Quickly scanning the room, I realized Terry was nowhere to be found.
âTerry?!â I yelled.
âI'm in here!â he yelled from the living room.
I walked out of the bedroom and into the hallway. As I rounded the corner to the living room, Terry stood in the doorway. He was leaning to the side with his shoulder pressed against the doorframe.
The smell of rain flooded my nostrilsâ salty and fresh. I've always loved the smell of rain, especially when I was a little girl. It reminded me of the summers I spent in the country.
âI remember when I was younger, my brothers and I would get suited up in our raincoats and boots just to play in the rain. Mama hated it with a passion. She used to complain about how hard the mud was to get out of our clothes. Daddy, on the other hand, heâd just say we were boys beinâ boys. Hell, heâd even encourage it. I miss those days. Days when we didn't give a damn about how we looked or what we were doinâ. We just did the shitâ without a care in the world,â Terry said.
Terryâs shoulders dropped as if his memories began to weigh him down. I walked up behind him, letting my hands wrap around his waist. I hugged him tightly. I felt his body shake softly from a silent laugh.
âYou know⊠sometimes, as adults, we care too much. Who gives a fu.. I mean, who cares what other people think?â I asked, pressing my body into Terryâs.
âMama, we too grown for that kinda stuff, now,â Terry said, laughing somberly.
I paused for a minute, falling victim to my own poignant thoughts.
Had we really become that displaced from happiness? Why was it so hard for adults to indulgeâ in joy, playfulness, and excitement? Grown-ass adults who were so afraid of being called childish that we were denying ourselves the simplicity of pleasure and gratification through laughter and smiles. We were victims to the parameters of supposed âfree willââ an idea of free will that was bastardized by the voices and perceptions of others.
Fuck that! If Terry wanted rain, Terry was gonna get it!
I released my arms from around Terry, grabbing his hand. I pulled him towards the top of the stairs.
âHavana Rose!â Terry yelled.
âDonât⊠Just trust me,â I said as we slowly descended the wet stairs. (Apartment exterior)
Rushing from the second floor to the first, I didn't want to give Terry any time to overthink. I pulled him into the rain, praying he would enjoy this moment.
âBabygirl!â Terry said, attempting to shield himself from the pouring rain.
âJust enjoy it, baby. Who gives a⊠who gives a fuck, huh?â I said, spinning around in the rain.
Terry let his head fall back on his shoulders. I stopped to watch this moment. He raised his arms above his head, reaching for the rain. Finally! He was letting himself be a kid again. His head slowly dropped to look at me. The biggest smile I had ever seen was plastered on his face. A smile so wide that it caused his eyes to close.
âThatâs my baby,â I whispered to myself. I was seeing Terry through a completely different lens.
Terry lunged towards me, picking me up. He tossed me over his shoulder and began spinning me around. His laughter booming through the air around us.
âTerry!â I yelled out in laughter.
âWHO CARES, REMEMBER?!â Terry yelled back through the rain.
Putting me down, Terry pulled me into his body. My chin rested against his chest. He grabbed my face in his hands, drawing me closer to him. His gaze was piercing and intense.
âI love you, Havana Rose. Do you understand me? I love you with all my fuckinâ heart, and don't you ever forget that!â he avowed passionately.
I stood there, taking in every word like my life depended on it. Terry would have seen the tears streaming down my face if it wasnât raining. I wish he could see how much his words were affecting me.
âI love you, too!â I said, jumping into his arms.
My legs wrapped around his waist. Our eyes were locked into a gaze that encompassed a million emotionsâ love, happiness, passion, lust. My hands went to the back of Terryâs head. His lips met mine in what felt like a kiss orchestrated by Cupid, himself.
We stayed right there in the rain and in love, for what seemed like hours. Kissing and loving on each other like two naive children, unaware of the world around them.
âYâall gone be sick as dogs out there!â yelled Mrs. Geraldine, Terryâs next-door neighbor.
We pulled away from each other, laughing at her statement. Terry slowly put me down. My feet sloshed in a small puddle beneath me.
âAlright, babygirl. I think Mrs. Geraldine is right. We need to head inside and get you warm, mama. I don't want my baby sick,â he said, picking me up bridal style.
âOh!â I squealed.
Terry carried me to the bottom of the stairs. I tried to get out of his grasp.
âWhat you doin'? I got this, lilâ mama. Sit tight,â he said, ascending the stairs carefully. He took his time with each step, handling me like a delicate flower or a small child.
I looked into Terry's eyes, getting lost in the different hues. I had looked in his eyes many times before, but none of those times ever felt like this one. It was as if I was committing every detail to memory. I never wanted to forget how his eyes looked right nowâ sparkling and wild.
Terry's eyes looked down to mine. âI can't focus witâ you lookinâ at me like that,â he chuckled.
âI can't help it. You look so⊠so⊠so damn pretty. You're one gorgeous man, yâknow?â I said, playing with his ear.
He moved his head away. âAh, here you go with that! Leave my damn ears alone!â Terry rasped through gritted teeth.
âNo,â I said stroking both of them.
âGet down! I'm not finna play witâ you!â he said, putting me down at the doorway.
Walking into the apartment, I was hit by a harsh chill that sent a shudder down my spine.
âGo get out of those clothes and warm up,â Terry said, pushing me on my behind. I swear this man treats me like a child.
âWhat about you?â I asked, turning back towards the door.
âI'm coming right behind you, mama. I promise,â he said, grabbing my hand and kissing the back of it.
âBetter be,â I said, taunting him as I turned around.
And once again like clockworkâŠ
smack
His hand lands right across my ass. How didn't I see that coming?
âOw, I'm starting to think you just like spanking me,â I said as I rubbed my stinging ass.
âYeah, I do. It's something âbout that recoil and the sound. Ouu⊠dear sweet Jesus, it drives me crazy,â he exclaimed with joy.
âYou're a sadist. You're a fuckin' sadist. Terrence Richmond is a goddamnâŠ,â I started before Terry picked me up, tossing me over his shoulder.
âThat's it! That mouth is too loose today. You don't know when to quit, huh?â he asked, rubbing me on my ass. I was beginning to anticipate another spanking.
Unfortunately, his phone rang. He turned around suddenly with me still over his shoulder, thrashing me around.
âWhoa! I don't think I like this ride anymore,â I said through laughter.
âSorry, love. Here,â he said putting me down. âGo ahead. I'll be right behind ya,â he said, kissing my forehead.
I simply nodded my head yes and began to walk towards the room. Once I was in the bedroom, I walked over to the laundry basket and began pulling off my wet clothes.
âBabygirl, change of plans. I gotta make a quick run to the site. Theyâre havinâ a problem. Iâm sorry!â he yelled from the living room.
âOkay. Be safe. Love you!â I yelled over my shoulder.
âLove you more, mama. Iâll be right back,â Terry said as I heard the front door open and close.
With that, I decided to take a hot shower to warm myself up and relax while Terry was gone.
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#thee reina writes#terry richmond#terry richmond x black reader#terry richmond x black oc#terry richmond fluff#terry richmond fanfiction#terry richmond fic#aaron pierre#aaron pierre fanfic#aaron pierre fic#x plus size reader#x plus size oc#x black reader#x black oc
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happy happy birthday i hope you're having a great day đŸđ„łđ
If it's ok i would like to ask for "How can you still trust me after everything I've done?" with đ„ and a female reader please? Maybe just a little nsfw-ish?
Thank you so much, Anon, for the lovely birthday wishes! I'm sorry this took a while, I hope you still enjoy it! Even though it's much more angsty than actualy NSFW... hope you don't mind that! Thank you!
Source for Pic and Pic
Fighter
Word Count: 4176
Tags: Fem!Reader; Dark!Ace; Angst; Hurt; Sorrow; Ambiguous/Open-ending; Mention of sex; Physical and emotional torture;
Special Warning: English is not my first language, I apologise for any possible spelling or grammar mistakes.
Summary: Ace was overtaken by some sort of Darkness and he's very intent on breaking you. You are a fighter, but how long can you last in such an unfair fight?
Notes: This fic was heavily inspired by the song The Fighter by In This Moment. I love this song so much! Please give it a listen, it fits right in.
|Masterlist|
Has it been weeks? Days? Surely not. It can't have been more than one day. A few hours, perhaps? Time seems to stand still. There's no window, no sun, no breeze, and definitely no air! It's suffocating, oppressing, and so full of despair.
The only light comes from a few torches scattered here and there, barely enough to discern if the wet patches on the damp earth below your feet are water or your own blood.Â
No, that's not right.Â
There's another source of light. A dark flame, so black one would think it came straight from the pits of hell. Where once burned a bright orange, almost golden-like flame, filled with love and laughter, now stands a void of hopelessness and desperation.Â
Ace.Â
Your Ace.Â
No, that's not right again. This is not your Ace. In front of you stands a twisted, cruel version of the man you love.Â
âReady to break, love? Are you well rested?â His voice has the same timbre, but he never wielded it with so much cruelty. The way he uses your nickname rings familiar, but it is nowhere near the same.Â
And he's terrifying.Â
This Darkness that once was your lover approaches your broken form again, and you wince in preparation. Your arms are numb, and there's blood dripping from where the chains cut into your skin, from your dangled wrists. The bruises on your body paint a yellowish and purple complexion on your soft skin. There are welts and blisters forming as well from the burns he's inflicting on you.Â
But what's truly devastating isn't the physical pain this thing is bringing upon you. It's an emotional one. Because the same calloused hands that held you tight with love are now holding you tight with pain, branding you with dark flames, consuming you in all the wrong ways.Â
You want to beg for him to stop.Â
But you can't stop fighting.Â
I will always fall and rise again Your venomous heroine 'Cause I am a survivor Yeah, I am a fighter
âAce.â You plead again, your words more broken than last time but filled with the same hope. âI know you're in there. I know you can hear me. Come back to me, love. Come back.â
For the briefest of moments, his dark eyes seem to flicker with some sort of light. Your heart skips a beat, and your breath catches in your lungs.Â
Then it's gone.Â
The Darkness laughs. An inhuman laugh devoid of all the warmth that Ace possesses, devoid of all his light, all his love. It hurts more than a million burns. His hands clutch your neck, squeezing tight until little black dots start to fill your vision, his digits marking new bruises on your battered skin as his lips dangle close to your own, twisted into an animalistic snarl that resembles nothing of your lover.Â
âAce can't hear you, love. He's far gone. I'm all that's left, and I will break you.â
He releases you a moment before you're about to pass out, and your chest heaves, inhaling gulps of damp, stagnant air as your head feels light and empty.Â
Then, pain strikes again.Â
His dark flames create new burns, his fists bruising and battering. Youâre not even sure of what's broken anymore. But nothing too important. No, he doesn't want to kill you.
Not yet, at least.Â
I will fall and rise above And in your hate I find love 'Cause I'm a survivor Yeah, I am a fighter
You pass out. Who knows for how long? Your only hope is that Ace is still somewhere inside, and that he's still listening to you.Â
He needs to come back.Â
Ache settles into your bones and your sore muscles. Your lips are dry and cracked, and thirst holds your tonsils ransom, trapped against your throat. Youâre at least glad that you have nothing inside your belly, because the stench of your burning flesh is enough to revolt the strongest stomachs.Â
âOh, here you are again, love. I thought I might have gone a bit too far this time.â His manic chuckle is a far cry from Aceâs giddy laughter. âOops!â Your lover was never taunting, never cruel, never hurtful. You barely know how to cope with this reality.
One minute he was Ace, and the next he wasnât. How did it happen? You canât even remember if it was an enemy Devil Fruit or something else entirely. Whatever it was, it took your Ace away and replaced him with something ugly and dark.Â
âCome back, Ace, please.â You keep pleading. Ever since this thing brought you to this damp cave and started torturing you. But Ace doesnât hear you. Is he still there?
He has to be. Itâs far too painful to think heâs gone.Â
âYou keep pleading for the wrong thing, love. Plead for your life. Thatâs all.â Thereâs a gleam in his eyes, but itâs the wrong spark. Where there used to be a boyish amusement, thereâs nothing but twisted delight. Heâs relishing the fact that heâs slowly breaking you.
And you wonât give him - it - this satisfaction.Â
âRemember us, Ace⊠please.â Maybe if you appeal to his heart, to the shared memories of happy days, he can come back to you. He was always a fighter, never a quitter. It doesnât have to be different now.
You ignore the twisted and spent part of yourself that assures you that if he could come back, he wouldâve already. The Ace you love would never have laid a single finger on you to hurt you.Â
This dark Ace takes a step back, his eyes widen, and he stutters. âRemember us?â Maybe itâs working.Â
You pull on the chains a bit more, but all that does is make you wince and writhe in pain. Theyâre too tight, and theyâve been biting at your skin, leaving it tender and bruised since he captured you.
âYes. I remember us.â His lips pull back into a distorted smile that resembles nothing of the man you love, nor does the freakish sound that follows, an eerie, dark laugh. âI remember this.â
The Darkness steps closer, his hand caressing your cheek while his thumb presses against your lower lip. The other hand traces gentle patterns over your neck and collarbone, a familiarity in the gesture that brings tears to your eyes. Itâs a lover's caress, but instead of warmth, all you feel is revulsion.Â
This will break you much faster than any other kind of torture.Â
I will not hide my face I will not fall from grace I'll walk into the fire, baby
âDo you know what Aceâs first memory of you is?â The Darknessâs tongue peeks out from his mouth as he licks his lips, his dark gaze never leaving yours while tears pool at the corners of your eyes. âYour smile. The way his heart raced when you smiled at him. Such a silly boy with silly dreams. So vulnerable, so in love.â
âStop. Please stopâŠâ The words are mere whispers as tears finally run freely over your scarred cheeks. These are precious memories, and heâs desecrating them all, turning them into weapons meant to hurt. âAce⊠come back.â
âKeep pleading, love. It wonât do you any good, but it will feel so much better when you finally break.â His hand hovers over your breasts and dips lower, settling against your hip as he brushes his thumb against your hip bone. The gesture is intimate, akin to Aceâs touch, but so wrong, so perverse.Â
âDo you remember the first time he kissed you?â A cruel laugh echoes in your ears, his deep voice a corrupt mimicry of Aceâs soft tone. âMighty Portgas D. Ace, a fearsome commander of the Whitebeard Pirates⊠nervous. A trembling mess of a man, too afraid to get it wrong, scared shitless you would leave him because he didnât deserve you. He agonised over it for days. Foolish sap.â
You close your eyes as a painful sob claws its way through your chest and up your throat. You try to block the beautiful memory from reaching the surface, but the damage is done. You remember it as clearly as day.
Aceâs flushed, freckled cheeks. A nervous laugh escaping his trembling lips. The way he kept swaying on the tips of his toes, his hand either reaching for you or retreating to his pockets.Â
His deep breath before cupping your cheeks with shuddering, too-hot hands, just before his lips collided with yours. The kiss was too tense at first, too clumsy.Â
Until you relaxed in his hold and melted into his touch. When you sighed into his lips, he easily took your tongue with his and thoroughly scrambled your brain.
âStop. Please stop.â
âWhy should I? When it produces these sweet, sweet tears.â Clutching your face, he leans in, tongue reaching out and licking a long stripe from your jaw to your temple, collecting all your tears with a cruel sound of delight.Â
His hands bruise your neck again, holding tightly, revelling in the way your pulse races against his calloused fingers.Â
âDoes it hurt, love? To know he once kissed you with such devotion, such tenderness, and now⊠now all you have is me.â His lips ghost yours and you bite your cheeks hard to keep from sobbing uncontrollably.Â
Unsatisfied with your lack of response, he releases your neck, and you gasp for air, but heâs relentless in this cruel game. His hands drop to your waist, pulling you closer. The chains holding you groan and rattle in protest, and you let out a pained whimper.Â
âI know exactly how he touched you.â The pressure is the same, his hand feels the same, he smells and looks the same. Your heart aches and weeps, and you grieve because, even though he looks the same, he couldnât be farther from the man youâre devoted to.Â
His fingers trace upwards, brushing your bruised ribs, and you hate how your body reacts to his familiar touch. You canât control the longing you feel for him any more than you can control the tears streaming down your face.Â
âI remember how he vowed to protect you from all harm. How he would much rather die than see you hurt.â The way he drags Aceâs laugh into a twisted, cruel version of it carves a deep abyss of pain within your chest. You know heâs speaking the truth. Ace was always your protector. It would kill him to know what heâs done to you now.
StillâŠ
Youâd much rather have him with you, feeling terrible for hurting you, than not having him at all.Â
All my life I was afraid to die And now I come alive inside these flames
âShut up. Stop. Please.â You barely have the strength to plead anymore. This is so much worse than when he was only hurting your body. You can endure physical pain, but not this merciless torture.
âI know exactly how he loved you.â The grip on your waist tightens until it bruises again. âHow he watched you sleep in his arms, memorising each freckle, each dimple, each dip and crease of your skin. How he committed your scent to memory to keep himself grounded when he was away from you. How his fingers knew the curves of your body by heart, and how you sounded when you unravelled for him.â
An anguished wail leaves your parted lips as each word he delivers taunts you, breaks you, tears another piece of your heart apart, and tosses it aside, broken and used up. Youâve fought so hard until now, you canât give up. Not even when all of his words are meant to shatter your resolve, to destroy your soul.Â
You need to stay strong and fight for Ace.
âAceâŠâ
âHe loved you so much.â The chains creak and groan as he keeps pulling you, bruising your skin with brutal touches. âAnd me? Well, I can use that love to completely destroy you.â He collects a tear with an extended finger, his eyes gleaming with malice as you crumble further. âI will change and twist your memories so much that youâll wish youâd never loved him. Or plead for me to kill you.â He shrugs nonchalantly. âWhichever comes first.â
Each word, each gesture is a reminder of him, of what he used to be. Of what he is, hidden beneath all those layers of malevolence.Â
âRemember how he used to touch you like thisâŠâ His words trail and linger near your ear as he runs his fingers down your spine in an all-too-familiar gesture. Your body betrays you once more, his touch so akin to home that you arch towards him, a broken whimper leaving your lips as another tear trails down your scorched cheek.Â
The Darkness revels in your reaction, drinking every sob, every sound, every twitch like itâs fuel keeping him alive.
âOh⊠yes, he loved that sound. All the little noises you made for him, it always drove him half-mad, knowing he was the one responsible for provoking them, for making you come undone beneath his fingers.âÂ
Another sob claws its way up your throat as a new wave of beautiful memories fills your mind.
âMore, Ace, more.â
âYes, love. You have all of me.â His languid thrusts drove you crazy. Each stroke of his hips hit places that made you see white. He drew pleasure from you as naturally as he drew flames from within himself.Â
Moans and whimpers, prayers and pleas. They left your parted lips in an unintelligible litany of muffled, half-drowned words.Â
âThatâs it, love. Those noises right there, keep âem coming for me. All for me.â
And then he would kiss you breathless, swallowing everything you had to give him. Taking it all in so he could breathe life back into you again.Â
And you loved every second of it.
Now, all those precious memories are tainted. Tainted by his cruel words, tainted by his brutal touch, tainted by his wicked ways.Â
And youâre so drained that you donât know how much more of this you can actually take.Â
âAnd you⊠do you remember what you whispered to him?â His lips brush against the sensitive spot beneath your ear, and you swallow a gasp, the chains biting harder into your skin, but youâre already numb to that pain. âHow youâd tell him you were his, how you would never want to let go of him, you promised him forever.â
Your lower lip trembles helplessly as the Darknessâs voice drags, malice dripping like venom and sticking to your skin, sticky and disgusting.Â
âAnd when he made love to youâŠâ No⊠no⊠no⊠âWhen he touched you in all the right placesâŠâ His hands grasp your sides and climb up slowly, thumbs brushing your nipples as you fight a torrent of tears. âYouâd scream his name, crying out for him like he was your whole world.â
This time, the broken sob leaving your lips is soul-crushing, and you feel the weight of it deep in your chest.Â
âThatâs it, love. Let it all out.â He brushes his lips against yours in a mockery of intimacy. Another familiar gesture, but a malicious travesty of the reality you were used to. âMourn for him, for the man who is no more. For the one who promised to keep you safe. Grieve for the loss of his soul. Let me hear you break apart.â
Itâs too much. Itâs all so devastating.
âStop⊠please.â Strength is leaving you. The Darkness hurt you before, bleeding you dry, breaking your bones and scarring your flesh. But this violation of your most sacred memories is what finally breaks you.Â
You feel yourself slowly slipping away. You will not last much longer.Â
Closing your eyes, you let your face fall forward, a silent sign of defeat. âDo you want him back?â He asks, his cold hands cradling your face so you can look him in the eyes. The viciousness that gazes back at you is unfamiliar, cold, and disheartening.Â
Itâs not your Ace.
âBeg for him, love. Call his name like you used to. It wonât do any good, but it will make victory taste so much better.â His thumbs brush away another batch of tears, and you canât take it anymore.
âAceâŠâ
He doesnât falter. Thereâs not even a hint of recognition in his dark eyes. Heâs gone.Â
âHeâs gone, love. But he remembers you. How your laugh was able to pull him away from the darkness within himself. How lucky he felt when you kissed him and how worthy you made him feel. Like he was much more than a name, more than the son of a cursed pirate, more than a legacy of a man he hated.â
He presses his forehead against yours, and the intimacy of it is so vivid that, for a moment, you think your Ace is back.Â
âDo you know how many sleepless nights he spent with you in his arms? Just listening to your breathing, completely terrified of losing you one day? How he wished he could protect you from everything that would seek to cause you harm? How his fingers traced every inch of you, afraid heâd forget.â
The dread in your chest expands, taking away your breath. The hurt travels down your legs and up your numb arms. Your head feels lighter, and your throat constricts with agony. You need to let go.
âPlease⊠please⊠stop. Just stopâŠâ
But the Darkness doesnât relent. âYou made him dream of a future he never thought heâd want⊠of children he vowed never to have. You were his anchor, grounding him in this life, making him feel like he was deserving of happiness.â
His lips hover over yours, hands clutching your face, the pressure building, yet you feel no pain anymore. You can barely think.
âDo you know what the cruellest part is, love?â He pulls back long enough to look into your eyes, a ghost of Aceâs smile painting his lips. âHe never got to say goodbye.â
âMake it stop⊠Iâm doneâŠâ The whisper that leaves your lips carries more than defeat. It carries a desperate tragedy. How can something so beautiful as the love you shared with Ace be torn into pieces? How can it be dissected with such malice?
âFinally!â He chants in victory as his hands clasp your cheeks again and he presses his lips hard against yours.Â
The kiss is bruising, cruel, a mimicry of Aceâs, but yet, still too familiar. It brings with it another litany of relentless sobs that you just canât keep at bay. His hands slither over your body in a mockery of a caress and they tuck your neck, pressing gently at first, his lips still glued to yours, claiming both your soul and your body to darkness.Â
Then his thumbs press hard against the dip of your throat and all the air is cut off from you. Youâre suffocating, thrashing silently against both his hold and the icy grip of the chains and you know your time has come.
Itâs as tragic as it is poetic that the man who brought love into your life should also bring death; that the one who so easily breathed life into you, can also take your last breath away.Â
Whimpers and gasps leave your constricted throat as your feet kick and thrash, but he doesnât relent. You feel wetness against your cheeks and taste salt in your dried tongue, though the source of those tears is unknown to you. Are they yours, or the Darkness?
Just as youâre slipping away, the hold on your throat falters and the lips pressed against you lose their harshness, they become soft and pliant, warmer for a moment. Then, with a harsh gasp and a step back, Ace cries in agony, his hands clutching his dark locks as his eyes shut firmly.
Air fills your lungs again and you cough, tasting blood with each convulsion. He might not have killed you yet, but he came pretty close.Â
âAce⊠AceâŠâ You try, each gasp more breathless than the last, but each new gulp filled with newfound hope. Heâs fighting.
Your Ace is fighting.
With another agonised scream, Ace pants, breathlessly. Globs of saliva spew from his gritted teeth as he struggles to open his eyes. Then his gaze lands on you, your name spilling from his lips in raw pain as he assesses your wounds, the wounds he inflicted upon you himself.
âLove⊠Oh, God, no. What have I done?â With a wobbly step, Ace draws near your body, hands stretched and trembling as he cups your cheeks lovingly. A lone sob breaks through your pursed lips.Â
Itâs your Ace. Itâs his touch. It's unmistakable.Â
âPlease, please, love. Iâm sorry, Iâm so, so sorry.â Each word comes drenched in grief, saturated with misery. Each touch filled with caution and care.
âItâs you⊠itâs really you.â Your words are mere murmurs and each of them is a fresh new wound on Aceâs heart. Pressing his forehead against yours, he mumbles another supplication.
His arms wrap themselves around your wounded body and you shiver against his familiar touch. The warmth of his breath against your hair and neck comforts you as he holds you close, as if trying to shield you from a damage thatâs already been done, from something he caused and canât take back. âPlease, pleaseâŠâ
But you shouldnât have rejoiced too soon. Aceâs body convulses twice against your own, his touch harsher, his strength doubling and you feel a fresh wave of nausea hitting your senses, disorienting you.
âAce?â
âNo!â Ace growls, burying his face against the curve of your neck. âNo!â He cries out again while his scream is muffled against your skin. A sharp, stabbing pain travels up your arm as his teeth sink with a sickening crunch of flesh being broken.Â
Aceâs hands, which cradled you lovingly mere moments before, are now harsh and brutal against your frail body. His touch feels too unkind, too hot.
âYou canât have her!â The Darkness roars, pulling Aceâs head back violently, though his grip never falters. âYou think sheâll forgive you after all youâve done?â
You canât speak, you canât think, you canât breathe. Aceâs flames dance in front of you, surrounding him like a sickening halo. They turn from orange to black and to an in between that disorients you. His touch aches, burns and scars.Â
âAce⊠fight!â You try to plead but your voice is too weak, too feeble and powerless to reach him in a battlefield you're not privy to. This is his fight to win, and you are a mere spectator.Â
âYou canâtâŠâ He begins, a growl and a roar leave his lips as his arms erupt into a blazing inferno, searing your skin and making you cry out in pain and agony. âYou canât take her from me!â With a final clamor, Ace breaks free from the Darkness and his release is so literal that you can actually hear a loud clatter, like glass being broken while invisible shards fly everywhere. A final flame licks your body with ruthlessness and your broken lament dies with it.
âLove?â Aceâs broken voice barely reaches your ears. He, somehow, removes the harsh chains and the cruel bite is no more, though you can scarcely feel it as he cradles you against his body. âLove, come on, you canât do this to meâŠâ The tears that fall from his eyes almost hiss as they kiss your scorching skin. âIâm so sorry⊠Iâm sorry⊠HowâŠ?â A broken sob shakes his shoulders as buries his face in your hair. âHow can you still trust me after everything Iâve done?â
Aceâs world crumbles as you flutter away from him. Ragged, uneven breaths leaving your lips while your eyelids tremble in a defeated effort to open.
Heâs losing you.Â
And itâs all his fault.Â
âPlease donât leave me. Fight⊠please. Iâll never let anything hurt you againâŠâ The sorrow in his words weighs heavily in your heart, yet your body doesnât respond to your will and you canât seem to reassure him; you canât tell him you donât resent him, that it wasnât his fault, that he doesnât need to blame himself.
Because if thereâs someone who doesnât need to carry more guilt, itâs Ace.Â
And yet, thereâs no strength left to let him know that. Your chest heaves one last time and, suddenly, the fight is lost, and there is no clear winner.
Because if thereâs someone who deserves all the happiness in the world, itâs Ace.Â
âPlease, come back. I love youâŠâ
But all the love in the world couldnât save you.Â
All the love in the world couldnât save him.
A frail wail leaves Aceâs lips as he shuts his eyes in agony, and he almost misses the flicker of hope that makes your chest tremble again while a soft sigh escapes your lips.
I donât need you to save me âCause Iâm a survivor, yeah I am a fighter
Tag List: @rosidaze @beachaddict48 @armiliadawn @jintaka-hane @sprinkklz @baby5555 @hopelesslover06 @mars-mizuko @sleepykittycx @nerium-lil @eustasscapitankid @ren-ni @jqperi @lycoriskalmia @daydreamer-in-training
#one piece#one piece x reader#x reader#op#ace x reader#portgas d ace x reader#portgas ace x reader#portgas d ace#you x ace#ace x you#reader insert
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Breaking My Heart (Castiel)
Summary: Castiel never loved you
Warnings: heartbreak, angst
WC: 920ish
Read on ao3!
--
You never expected to be standing here, on the edge of everything you thought you understood. But here you were, in the quiet of the empty room, staring at Castielâyour Castielâwatching him stand there like a stranger.
It had always been so easy to love him. To love him through his moments of doubt, through his struggles with humanity, through the times when he felt lost and uncertain. You had always believed in him, in his good heart, in his strength and his vulnerability.
But now, you couldnât recognize him.
âHow could you pretend to love me?â you whispered, the words barely escaping your lips.
The sound of your voice was distant, as though you were hearing yourself from a place far away, disconnected from everything. You barely recognized the trembling in your own words, the hurt that was seeping into every syllable.
Castiel looked at you, his eyes soft but unreadable. His silence was deafening. He hadnât said a word since youâd confronted him, since youâd demanded to know the truth. The truth about the distance that had grown between you two. The truth about the lies that were suffocating you, about the promises he had made and broken.
You had known something was wrong for a while now. The late nights, the distant glances, the moments where he seemed like he was a million miles away. But when you confronted himâwhen you finally forced the conversationâit was like he had been waiting for it.
He hadnât fought you. He hadnât tried to make excuses. He had simply nodded, a sad acceptance in his eyes, as if he knew that what was coming would destroy you.
âI never meant to hurt you,â Castiel said softly, his voice low, almost a whisper. âBut I think I always knew that it would. I am not capable of the kind of love you deserve.â
The words hit you like a physical blow. It was as if someone had reached into your chest, ripped out your heart, and then crushed it in their hand.
âDonât say that,â you managed, your voice shaking with the weight of your pain. âI know you, Castiel. Iâve seen all of you. Iâve loved you through everything. Iâve been there when you needed me most, when you were torn between heaven and humanity. I know you.â
His gaze dropped to the floor, his jaw tightening. âI know you have. And thatâs why this is so hard for me.â
You took a step forward, your chest tightening with each passing second. You wanted him to look at you, to show you that he still cared, that there was something left between you. But instead, he stood there, like an immovable force, like someone who had already given up on both of you.
âWhy?â The question came out of you before you could stop it. âWhy are you doing this, Castiel? Why pretend to love me when you know itâs not real? Why do this to both of us?â
His eyes flickered up to meet yours, and for a brief moment, you saw the man you lovedâthe angel who had fought so hard for humanity, the one who had embraced you when you needed him most. But it was gone too quickly. Replaced by something darker, something resigned.
âI never wanted to hurt you,â he repeated, almost pleading. âBut I donât know how to love the way you want me to. Iâve tried, but itâs not enough. Iâm not... Iâm not capable of the kind of love you deserve. I will always be bound by my duty to Heaven, by the things Iâve seen and done. I donât have the ability to give you what you need.â
Tears welled up in your eyes, but you refused to let them fall. You couldnât break down, not in front of him, not like this. The pain was suffocating, but you forced yourself to remain upright, to hold on to the last piece of your dignity.
âYouâre wrong,â you whispered, though the words were thin and fragile, barely able to make it past the lump in your throat. âYouâre wrong about all of this. I never needed you to be perfect. I never needed you to be something youâre not. I just needed you to be here, with me. I needed you to love me the way I love you.â
Castielâs face softened, but his eyes were filled with regret and sorrow. âI never wanted to disappoint you,â he said quietly. âBut I always knew that this... this was inevitable. You deserve someone who can give you what you need. Someone who can love you the way you deserve to be loved.â
âAnd you canât?â You barely recognized the voice that asked that question. It was almost pleading, desperate for the answer to be something other than the one you feared.
His silence was answer enough.
You stepped back, the tears finally spilling over as the weight of everything crashed down on you. The dreams you had built in your mind, the future you had imagined, had all been based on a lie. Castiel had never truly loved you the way you thought.
He loved you in his own wayâmaybeâbut it was never enough.
And that was something you couldnât accept.
âI thought... I thought you cared about me,â you said, your voice barely above a whisper, barely able to hold the pain inside.
His expression faltered, but he said nothing.
And in that silence, the love you thought you had was buried.
#castiel x reader#cas x reader#castiel x you#castiel x y/n#spn x reader#spn fanart#spn fanfic#spn fandom#spn famdom#spn family#castiel fanart#castiel fanfiction#castiel fluff#castiel fic#castiel angst
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Earthspark fans, I tip my hat to you as you suffer through the poor quality of season 2.
I personally had next to no hopes for the show. I have been so disappointed in the past ten years of TF media that I refuse to get excited until at least six months after the thing has been confirmed to be good by the fandom at large. TFP, the comics, and G1 have been the only things I've bothered to care about TF wise, and for good reason in my opinion.
But with that said, I could see the potential in Earthspark, especially in light of season 1. The whole thing wasn't my cup of tea since I have grown to despise TF content that hyperfocuses on humans, but I could still see the appeal. The characters were coming along well development wise and the story was going places. I didn't agree with many of the story beats since I have different tastes, but to each their own. I wasn't going to beat down on people who liked the show. It's a quirky thing and honestly, if it didn't suck, I probably would have gotten really into it eventually.
Season 2 crushed a lot of hopes and dreams. The plot, from what I gather, is absolutely all over the place. Plot threads brought up and built in season 1 just dropped dead without warning. Characters were done dirty. Scenes were not nearly as impactful, and so on and so forth. I'm not all that broken up since I didn't care much to begin with, but to all yall who liked the show, you have my condolences. One of these days I will get around to yoinking the Terrans and giving them some solid development through fic, but in the meantime, I am sure the rest of the fandom will be there to cover for the shortcomings of the show.
#lets try some writing mumbles#transformers earthspark#earthspark#maccadam#transformers#seriously im sad that this thing didnt work out just because of how excited the fandom was#sure I didn't like the show personally#but I am just one in a million on that front#lots of yall were super hyped and Im super sorry yet another show has folded like a wet paper towel#all hopes and dreams rest on TF One#let us hope it doesn't fail us
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I find it so SO interesting that as soon as Kazui's breaking their marriage vows and revealing his true feelings (literally tearing apart the dove), the wife is already falling off the balcony
Her hair is fluttering in the wind. The apple fucking splatters on the ground this whole sequence is so visceral I'm spinning it around in my mind. Kazui views his truth telling as a violent act, the killing blow.
#milgram#capri talks#kazui mukuhara#Cat#I made a gif for this are you happy (I love this part way too much I would've made it anyway)#I have... thoughts about this which Scare me but. For now... I am going to assume in good faith that this must be taken figuratively and#symbolically because that's the most obvious interpretation right. right guys??? *one fear*#*looks at the voice drama which starts with how he's never gone up against a woman as strong as him until kotoko*#*looks at the line 'itâs generally the heavier person who ends up winning.'*#*looks at that one frame in Cat at 2:33 where he's holding her back*#DONT MIND ME IM JUST DELIBERATING I want him to be innocent I want things to be simple but I'm so worried of being hoodwinked--#--when the guy literally emphasises sleight of hand tricks and magicians and disappearing acts in his MV :'D#when he literally has a 'son of man' painting reference (man w/apple in front of face)#I am going to stop talking or else I shall combust into a million pieces#analysis#described
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can i ask.how u guys practice ur creativity <3 how u practice ur imagination or like.. how u experiment with ur art, how u come to ideas and how u develop them.<3 pretty please <3
#smthing i have always struggled w.is feeling like i can only draw things that r handed 2 me.#as in.an idea or concept that already exists#chara or conflict that already exists.Scene that alr exists.#and i think it can be soo limiting bc when i have that sort of creative desire but nothing 2 reflect off of it#i feel like im unable to do anything/get anywhere bc im unable to do that mental legwork myself ykwim#like comic artists r SOOO JAW DROP INSPIRING TO MEE bc not only are u envisioning ur own sequences/situations#but u are able to imagine even the most MUNDANE interactions within those scenarios u know#like the transitory panels and the quiet moments and the every day stillness#and i feel like.its not even a poor attempt on my behalf its like.i cant Even attempt it.like my brain is soo empty#and soo static and noiseless that i am like gauhh......#i can practice lines all day long and practice colors and practice anatomy or Whatever bc its something concrete#and its in front of me and i can pry apart the physical technicalities until i understand it better#but my MIND???ABSTRACTION>? THOUGHTS .ough its so hard#and i really want to push past that but i dont know how and its so .. demoralizing to think that ill get there One Day but i feel#one million and two days away.and not making active process towards it.#i know the first step is to build ur visual library and i feel liek. idk i FEEL LIKEEE theres more 2 it that im missing#but also im depressed as hell n my job is killing my creative drive and the seasonal stuff isnt helping#so maybe i just need 2 give it time (true) but i also like.man i dont know. i want 2 do something w my hands#but everything ive been doing so far has felt soo .hard and fruitless and i definitely dont want 2 turn art into such a stressful thing#fruitless as in like.i dont get any personal satisfaction w it.idgaf abt monetization or algorithms or any of tht#but smtimes thats just what happens and i have 2 weather through and know ill be more equipped 4 this some other time#SAWRYYY IM ALWAYS GOING ON AND ONNN im nromal im normal<3 i just rly like art and it sucks balls whn it feels out of reach#sigh cry fart scroll.(:salute:)
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Bought one of my lil nephew giannis shoes for his birthday bcs he loves giannis and these are some of the ugliest fucking things I have ever laid my eyes on in my life. anyways it's his bday today so i gave them to him. but they are so ugly. he loves them
#i am not a sneakerhead#i wish i could be . finacially i can be. but mentally i cannot#i am not a car guy either. i could. but i cant mentally#bcs the only time id get smthing pretty is to look at it. and keep it safe#and then id want to km$ for not using smthing thats intended to be used bcs i hate wasted potential#once i got these rlly nice shoes#ive worn them once when i was trying them on#and i hate myself every day for doing that but also i just cant get them dirty#BUT I HATE THAT#some ppl can do that. they get a million things and only use it once and yea i COULD but psychologically i just CANT#im friends with a lot of sneakerheads and chain wearers and while i cant mentally make myself one#i can understand why they can#like ppl always wanna excuse not helping ppl by pointing at the stuff they already have#like oh u can buy urself a chain but cant buy ur momma and u a nicer place to live#like ok so credit scores are not existent then. especially when ppl use that phrase against ppl growing into crime like#yes they are making money now but is it good clean money? no. thats not gonna go into smthing long term n hefty like a house#chains are a rlly big thing bcs sometimes some jewelers just dont ask questions. hence bmf's jeweler getting roped into their crime schemes#any business can be like that btw. like michael jacksons doctor getting paid to kill him. the difficulty lvl just changes#and also. random ppl make fun of the stuff they can see or hear right in front of them#random ppl can and will make u feel bad abt any little thing they know or see the best bcs theyre assholes like that#u wear shoes all the time everywhere. thats more and more eyes noticing how old/dirty ur shoes are#or ur cars old n busted or ur phones a fucking android like it doesnt matter. the more ppl can see. the more theyll know#the more sensitive u get abt whats actually small to u at the start but big 2 them n then it gets big 2 u#anyways yea so like. i get it. i dont do it but i can see why others do#anyways yea these shoes are so ugly lol like i dont buy merch of my favs unless the style matches mine personally#he just liked them bcs they were giannis tbh n then i pointed out they were modeled after 1 of the jerseys#which made he rlly want them a while back so i surprised him today#but yea these things are ugly lol im glad he likes them but ew LMFAO
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in class today i felt so incredibly out of place again, why does it have to be so hard for me? and, i like this girl, but every single time we have class she mentions her "autism" while happily chatting with 3+ ppl at a time, completely effortless, while im sitting there, staring and trying to focus enough to even understand the conversation bc there is so much noise around me that i feel like i'm about to either explode or shut down completely and i feel like an alien trying my best to somehow socialize and understand what is going on and really to just get through this.
#i feel awful i was so close to just breaking into tears at one point#we had the introduction to greek archaeology course for the first time today and... i hate it#it is so fucking boring#the lecturer is italian and while her english vocabulary is great her accent already makes it hard to understand her but what is worse is#that she completely mispronounces a ton of english words so you constantly have to sorta interpret what she is saying#i genuinely didnt understand at least a third of what she was saying today#and its all âlook this painting on this and that vaseâ and its basically art history and i hate art history i really dont give a shit#and then i felt like i picked the wrong study program and i should just drop out which ofc is complete bullshit bc the courses i have monda#are really interesting as they are about prehistory which i am actually interested in and its ok to not care about certain eras of arch.#we were even told that by one lectures who also didnt give a shit about christian archaeology and was only interested in prehistory#so i know its ok rationally but everything was so awful today that my brain went into doom mode#and earlier my father yapped about the election to my mom while i hid in the bathroom lol and then he said in his horrible condescending#voice how âkamala is so stupid you cant sit her in front of a camera (for an interview)â and how she is âjust as dumb as baerbockâ#baerbock is a german politician - and obviously a woman#there r a million politicians he could choose from but he went with 2 women#i hate him so fucking much#i am not prone to violent phantasies at all but with him its different#i wish he would just die#ok now that we are so cozy and cheerful in these tags i'm gonna go to bed to spend another shitty day at uni tomorrow goodnight#personal
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they put me in the torture labyrinth today (front desk)
#I WAS SCHEDULED FOR A/V!!!!!!!!! WHY AM I HERE!!!!!#i hate the front desk its such a sensory overload on a regular day but today theres some sorority event going on so imagine-#-the sound of a herd of heels going through the fucking lobby near constantly. i am going to explode into one million pieces#like a large scale sorority event every sorority is here. cries#im sure the sound of heels is sensory good for someone but NOT ME. + people r looking at me which just makes it worse#đȘŒ
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Went skimming thru late trimax For Reasons, got caught up reading the Legato fight, realized things about the fight that I never had before & went WOW, I kind of want to write an analysis post right now!
Felt the same kind of insanity grip me, however momentarily, that fueled all my analysis posts however many months ago. Too tired to actually word things coherently right now, but...
I May or may not have a full(ish?) analysis of the Legato & Vash fight a la style of This post analyzing the Trigun: Multiple Bullets fight that got unexpectedly kind of popular. People seemed to really appreciate that one, & I even had some ppl saying it could be cool if I did that for others?
So. Legato fight. Maybe. Feel free to remind me later if u see no mention of it again for over a week lol
#speculation nation#ive been wanting to go back into reading the manga again#ive only slowly (VERY slowly) been puttering along with where i am in my fic#for research purposes with the fic.#i do want to go back through the manga bc i STILL havent done a full reread of it#ive just reread so many different parts of it for assorted research that im probably getting to some 10 or so reads total lmao#i wanna reread it in full tho front to back to sort out any stray details and remember any timeline things i might have slightly skewed.#the problem with reading the manga though. is that every fucking time i look at it. i am consumed by a drive to research EVERY little thing#so me reading turns into 'hm thats interesting. that reminds me of this thing that i know happens in volume 8. let me just check that now--'#and i end up so dreadfully distracted every damn time. bc i end up with all my wires crossed and my attention pointing a million ways#it's exhausting. and so i havent been reading the manga outside of random research dives.#im very good at that. i know every volume of the manga and can find Anything within 1 or 2 mins (at the Most)#which is also kind of the problem lol. fingers in too many pies. so many things to think about.#if i get back into Actually rereading the manga tho you can bet ur ASS ill find more things to make posts about#every time i open up the manga i find new things that i could analyze.#i just havent. bc i dont have time. but. ykno what. maybe i Could get back into it...#remind me later. this is one of my favorite fucking fights with my favorite Fucking panels#and i realized smth about the shit Vash is doing that was making me lose my MINDDDD#later tho. ive been sleep deprived today. and it is time for me to rest.#& yea yea ITNL is still the main focus. but idk i have such a mind for details and i remember So many things about the manga#i wanna show that off to people again. and thus. Analyses!!! :D#later. goodnight for now
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we're in this phase III trial of this thing that is soooooooo cool and i want to talk about it sooooo bad but 1. no. 2. no one will understand me if i do. 3. no.
but its so wild to watch disease processes go from totally untreatable to like. one time novel solution. in half of a lifetime. like from "not only do we not know why this is happening or how to stop it but i can tell you that you're just going to go blind," to "well if you come in and get this done every x weeks actually you will preserve most of your vision" to "actually maybe we can just do this one procedure and the thing that robbed 25% of your family of the ability to read by age 75 will simply not be a problem for you"
#like for adult seeing people 80% of your sensory input comes from your vision so you can imagine what it's like to be 78 and lose vision#it ages people like you would not fucking believe#and it's absolutely wild to see it come back like cataract surgery is the most fun bc its like 10 min and life altering but alas#not everything is in the front of the eye#and its really amazing to see people go from rapidly aging and cognitively declining to like fully functional and active#just bc they got their vision back#a thing we could not do 20 years ago in this modality at all even a little bit like we still have og patients from THAT original study#the first one and done treatments for neurodegenerative diseases are soooooo close like they are happening i am seeing them#if your appt takes 84 yrs its bc suddenly there were millions of treatable patients and now and exponentially increasing aging/diabetic pop#if you can imagine: this is cliff-shaped curve that is rather difficult to keep up with from the provider-training perspective#so i would also like this to work so we dont have this 4 hour monthly appointment. for everyone involved which includes me who is so tired
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thx for showing up on my dash now I will be armed with the corn knowledge I can use if I want to get a doggyđ
I will let you know if any vets get back to me on how hills is actually better than all other dog foods despite being full of corn.
#I am still awaiting any reply from dogblr on that front that isnât just âAUGH how could you SAY such a thing!!#âoh! OH! Unfollow for owlvid!! Unfollow for one million years!!â#If you think itâs dangerous misinformation to say merrick and victor and such are good you have to say why
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EHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHEHE LOOK WHAT I GOT
Also i present to you this absolutely gorgeous homura stand that i saw at a shop
#madoka cards yaaaaay#i couldnt get homura unfortunately but the madoka ones are pretty so im ok with it#i saw the homura stand at another shop it was unfortunately not for sale (not that i could afford it lollll)#shopowner had MILLIONS of pmmm stuff and i was literally like. :0#they had a madoka print at the front of their shop and i was SCREAMING to my gf as we got closer and closer#âdoes that look like madoka to u or am i just delusionalâ#âno wait that does look like madokaâ#âwait. WAITâ#incoherent ramblings
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god i wanna do a viewing of the yakuza movie with my friends (not familiar with rgg) bc i think it'd be funny like they might have a chuckle about it y'know and also i unironically really like it but 1. it has like 6 plotlines and none of them are that important and they're all kind of confusing/mostly resolve unsatisfactorily and 2. i would have to (either due to general confusion or Brainâą) stop every five minutes and explain something like "oh this shot/cut is very similar to how they dealt with camera angles in the early days of 3D, including Yakuza (2005). this is all just personal observation, but when games were all 2D, camera angles were generally consistent within themselves and dependent on the style of game..." or "oh yeah so a host club is..." or "ok so idk how familiar you guys are with this kind of video store but basically..." or "oh so guns are illegal in japan flat out so when they talk about the robbers having modified guns..." or even "yeah this is actually surprisingly predictive of like 8 things about majima's character..." or "here's what the plot of Yakuza (2005) is because the kiryu plotlone is straight up NOT gonna make sense" and like. idk i think it would add another hour to the movie and then the pacing would be fucked :(( but also it would be sooo silly so. tough decisions in the club tonite is what I'm saying
#rgg#like a dragon 2007#again: if the 2007 rgg movie has one million fans i am one of them if it has one thousand fans i am one if it has one fan i am that one fan#yes i just used that tag yes im gonna use it again. whatever#*waving a wristwatch in front of your eyes* go watch the rgg movie it's on youtube
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đ
#wee bit of exciting news on the Personal front as of late âš#drum roll please#đ„đ„đ„#iâm moving!! iâm getting out of vegas!! and the audience cheered!!!#my wife and i are moving to chicago this march and i could not be more excited#there were about 90 million reasons we chose chicago but the number one reason was the ability to be close to our family#this year has been horrific in so many ways and weâre completely alone out here in the desert#so being near our People will make 2023 far less awful (i hope đ€đ»)#if youâre going to the chicago meetup this summer you might be subjected to my presence so prepare yourself forâŠâŠâŠ.that#LMAO#ANYWAY#i am incredibly happy about this turn of events#just wanted to share that with yâall#i feel like i donât really like. idk. share stuff about my life anymore#i kinda stopped doing that this year and idk why#if you knew me or followed me back in 2021 you know i used to be on here with the personal posts almost daily#and now iâm like a mouse#took my âmacy mouseâ moniker a lil too seriously lmao đ#maybe iâll share more things in 2023 who knows who knows#aaaaaaaanyway#canât wait to be a City Girl#i love yâall!!!!!!!!!
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i âšïžcannot sleepâšïž and vaguing about shit on the internet feels more cathartic than writing it out somewhere else. suffer.
#im having. thoughts. on one hand. VERY badly want woods and chicken farm.#on the other hand. i do actually like friends?#and the likelihood of making friends as a queer person in a small town is uh. yknow. not as good.#but idk if its important enough to me to put my life on hold indefinitely to create more ties to an area that ill eventually have to leave#if i ever want a chance at supporting myself financially or buying a tiny lil starter house?#ideal situation is i start a gay commune with like minded friends. but uh. people have not been good to me#on the whole 'trust em with your plans' front#sigh. idk. id love to be able to afford a place thats still in the general area but that is never going to happen#unless i can spontaneously manifest /literally/ a million dollars#i am done with romantic relationships i think. if one happens at some point? cool. but i am not basing my life plans around it.#and will not sacrifice my own peace and wellbeing just for the sake of one#god. looking for queer friends who want to live on a farm with me platnically and we all have our own space but#also raise animals together and hang out sometimes. and dogs are a requirement.#i just! want! queer commune! where i can go back to my own little bubble and have my own space too!#aaaaahhhhh!!!! albertas real estate is starting to look real good right about now!#ugh. u g h. i fluctuate wildly between 'im very VERY content not speaking to a human for a week at a time' and 'platonic life partner. pls.#maybe i just....take a page out of 18 yr old me's ballsy ass handbook. and uproot my entire life to move somewhere completely new#where i know no one have no connections and in a completely different climate đ it worked out last time#i could so just fuck off somewhere. oh my god it is so tempting.
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