#but Ed is literally the king of pettiness and I love him for that

[freshkidpeach]

One moment in FMA that I think is overlooked is the fact that Ed is so salty about the fact that he looks like Hohenheim, his own father, that he braided his hair. Out of pure spite.

[drabbles-of-writing]

Reverse Au! Dump

Don’t mind my idea dumping here. Brain decided to have fun while I was at work and I have too many wips as it is, so… Thought I’d ask before I dumped, experience. Used morningmark’s comics as a base, so if you want reference. Now this isn’t all that well compiled, but here it goes.

~

Magic in the Other World is varied as it is crazy. So many styles over the generations and not a lot of organization. There are some that try to categorize it all, but that works as well as you’d expect. Some were lost, some erased, some weren’t passed down/recorded because “the power is all mine! Ahahaha!” It took a lot of time and collaboration, but eventually a sort of system was installed to help out. Still a lot of work to do, but its a step forward. Nowadays the term Wild Magic is generally reserved for those that aren’t all that well documented and understood.

Some Magics are very powerful and desirable, but also tend to be very high risk/high reward, kinda pass/fail, pretty literally Do or Die most times. So not a lot of people can use those or are even willing to. Story says this one guy named Odin hung himself on a massive tree by his own spear for nine days, no food water or rest in constant pain before he could unlock the secret of Runes. But it’s also said he gouged out his own eye to drink from the Well of Wisdom so… 

There are lots of different ways to channel magic too: wands, staves, jewelry, certain gems, familiars, potions, enchanted armaments, chants, scripts, etc. Each tool has its own advantages and disadvantages and play into a Witches’ style. Every Witch has at least two methods of spellcasting. Only children have one. Haven’t thought of how Luz gets her Palisman though. Maybe its one of those magic Artifacts like Dr. Strange’s cloak, Elder Wand, Thor’s hammer, or a Green Lantern’s Ring. Something that can’t be recreated because the secret is lost, materials no longer exist, too hard/dangerous to make, accident that can’t be recreated, etc. Happens more often than people like.

Camilla is sometimes called the Blue Witch. She’s a healer by heart and trade, but push her and she will become a one Witch Battleship. Bismark who? Aaaaand she just deleted a whole battalion. And the fortress behind them. Hide me. There are the very rare occasions, like count on one hand rare, when someone near and dear to her heart is in trouble that she takes up her other job. She’s especially terrifying when she decides to torture, those who know how to heal the body know best how to break it. Many shades of Blue, some are very close to Black. She doesn’t necessarily hate Humans exactly, but doesn’t have the highest of regard from past experiences.

Luz has training and is a proficient Witch for her age. Camilla and her father were adamant about having a general knowledge/skillset alongside her specialized skill. Jack of all trades and a master of none, still better than a master of one. She has gone through the system for her magic with varying success. Oracle magic? Zero talent. Bard classes? She can play an instrument, but can’t sing at the same time. When she does sing she tires too hard and messes up. It’s only when she doesn’t try, like absently singing along with a song or playing by her heart, that she’s good at it. Beasts? Can use them, but would rather play with them. Bleeding heart and all that. She does have a good handle on healing magic partly due to Camilla drilling necessary skills into her and partly osmosis. Her father arranged for some CQC lessons from an old friend of his which the girl loved. You get the idea. It wasn’t until she discovered Glyphs that she found her niche and her skills took off. Glyphs are one of those ‘eccentric’ or 'archaic’ styles since they haven’t been used in so long after being lost and are barely understood. She still has a long way to go, but she is on her way.

Luz never really had much in the way of friends, partly cuz of high profile parents which leads to certain pressures and a target on her head, partly because of her magic style and personality, and partly because of the trouble been going on. Luz grew up her whole life with this tension of a group of anarchists trying to burn society that’s just trying to do the right thing. The anarchists started small, but have been a growing problem the past few decades with talk how to 'reshape the world’ in not a good way. Anyone with critical thinking skills can tell this is a bad idea, but they are too brainwashed to notice. They harass anyone who doesn’t follow their rhetoric and attack anyone who even questions them. Luz’s parents put a real kink in a lot of their plans for years, which makes Luz guilty by association. 

Luz got caught in one of those sudden larger scuffles and was accidentally chucked/blown through a portal created by an attempted tactical retreat that went off course. Hence why she can’t go home because she hasn’t learned how to do portals yet. Those are high level anyway so how did these guys pull it off so easily? Luz has a hard time blending in obviously. Learning how to use a phone was a fun endeavor. Internet was a trip. Luz is amazed how these people can do all this cool stuff without magic. Keep a low profile sure, she can pass off as a weird out of town kid. Keep the beanie on, underperform in gym and stuff because some things don’t change, like genetics. Someone sharp eyed will see discrepancies. The Beanie has a small Glamor spell built in that covers her witchy traits but she forgot the ears which is why it sits like it does. Luz can erase memories in case she has an accident, but it’s less of a 'remove my face from this picture with a scalpel’, and more of a 'lemme just hack off the past hour or three from your brain with an axe.’ If she tries to take any more then she starts burning into some more dangerous territory and those Wiped are groggy and disoriented for a while after already. Then the magic attacks start happening and her heroic instinct/anti-bystander complex kicks in and there goes that. It runs in the family so Camilla isn’t surprised in the slightest when she finds out.

“Oh titan, why did you curse me with another me?” “I’m right here Mami!”

Eda has a shack very akin to Grunkle Stan. Lots of junk that Lilith can’t believe that people are dumb enough to buy. She’s also involved in some not so legal dealings on the side. Well, Eda isn’t actually hurting anybody and the tax dollars she should be paying would only go towards some politicians’ next yacht or another pointless overseas 'investment’ instead of where it’s supposed to go so. Eda does give some good intel on occasion and a place to vent so Lillith overlooks her. Lil’s more of the secret police for witches and a petty crook isn’t part of her job anyway. Eda understands Luz’s predicament and is willing to help. The cover story is that Camilla work in hospitals and has to work crazy hours while her dad passed away so is living with Eda for a while. King is that kind of critter that grew up weird and acts like ten different animals all the time.

Gus is the nerdy kid who infodumps on everybody, even if they’re not listening. Loves anything fantasy/sci-fi related and plays Minecraft too. A good kid at heart, but needs some social skills. Keep him away from anything more sugary than tea. Luz learned a lot listening to him. Not all of it is entirely useful, but still. Some of his ramblings give her some good ideas for magic and stuff, like putting Glyphs on cards.

The Blights are the cool rich kids obviously, and have some discipline and social issues. Big family name makes them intimidating for normies and a meal ticket for the unsavory. These kids need real friends. They decided to act out to get some attention from the parents who then decided to ignore them. “If you’re going to act like a child tantrum, get treated like one.” Ed is perfect for Drama classes, if he were allowed to partake. Can’t decide what Em is great at, hacking perhaps? Amity’s car is an inheritance from the only family to treat her as such Twins aside, even if she’s too young to remember it. She only remembers that she has feelings surrounding the car. All three of them were pretty impressed with Luz for standing up to them, calling them out on their shit, and not giving a crap about their family name. Being treated like a normal person is pretty weird. Can we get her to do that again?

Amity tried dating Boscha once, didn’t work out very well. Boscha is still hurting over Amity’s comment of “I’d rather go date the new weird kid (Luz) than go back to you.” It’s one of the reasons she goes after Luz. She has that kind of Bud personality from Spider Man, feels lesser and so acts out so much. 

“Wow, this new Witch is amazing. Not as cool as the original Witch.”

“What is it with the Witch with you?”

“Oh, she’s a hero. Looks out for the city and the little guy. She inspires me. Makes me want to be a bigger person. *sees Luz* What’s up Luz-er?”

~

And that’s what I got right now. I know there was more, but it’s lost to the void right now. Might come back later, maybe not. Lemme know what you think.

............

DAMN you weren’t lying when you said you had an info-dump this is *chefs kiss* you got me intrigued now

[lilyclawthorne]

Hunting Palismen Thoughts

y'all I absolutely loved this episode

oh we're JUMPING right in with day of unity stuff huh. we didn't go from 0 to 10 we started at 10.

anyways, starting off, this whole thing is fascinating to me. I mean this literally looks like a small human city. who are the worthy that get to live here according to belos. if its a unification of the realms, what happens to the humans? do they live here too? how does this affect society?? so many questions

kiki is pissed and im starting to predict that the reason Lilith, GG, and Kiki were all apart of the same slide in the title isn't because Lilith will slide backwards like some were worried about, but that all three of them are people who will have betrayed the emperor at some point

what the fuck is belos. the thumping/punching he made was in time with the beat of a heart. makes me think of the heart behind his throne and how are they connected.

UNCLE?? OUR FAMILY IS GONE BECAUSE OF WILD MAGIC??

TITLE CARD CHANGES AHHH

oh im so worried amity's not there because her mom's mad about her hair. that being said, some of the students here I assumed were a bit older (like jerbo and viney) and ed & em also aren't here. could potentially be that their parents didn't want any of them involved with this palismen adoption? or maybe im trying hard to be hopeful she's not in huge trouble over the hair

FREWIN!! this is the outcome for the little guy in Bump's head is better than anything I could've thought of. Aside from his legitimate use of helping Bump see, I am curious though if this is a bit of a "hidden in plain sight" kind of thing as well to protect the little guy.

PALISMAN ADOPTION DAY!! I WAS RIGHT!! I guessed the forest palismen would get adopted and I'm so glad about it.

I love Eda's blazer. She's trying to look professional. I love that this is what she planned on her favor from BQ being. Just to help out some young witches and some lost palismen. She cares so much 🥺

ok but if the unification of the realms does end up happening, I totally see Gus being an ambassador to the human realm.

There's a lot of attention of Luz here, and I'm just imagining how a similar situation might've gone down on the human realm. I don't blame her for getting anxious here, because I feel like in the past attention like this would've gone far worse at her school. I appreciate that most people here are just calm asking questions that are intended to help (except you Boscha) or Eda just checking in on her.

"I've read stories like this, the main character always has to return home" very interesting. seeing how this show has emphasized how life isn't like fiction.

Eda's just listening in like a mom concerned about her child

Tired Luz is adorable.

LMAO WHY IS GG WHISTLING THE THEME SONG

These two have such an insane amount of sibling energy I love it. This situation? Me and my brothers have done this way too many times.

uh so can a coven mark actually be removed?? since the EC one is also on the wrist but Lilith definitely hasn't been seen with anything there? that's kind of a relief since I was worried that since coven marks can help control magic that her still having one could be bad for her

It's not unsurprising that GG, as a powerless witch, would be interested in wild magic and Luz's glyphs. the kind of stuff you don't need a bile sac for. that kinda sucks he knows there's something out there he probably could use, but isn't allowed to do so

Hunter!! I don't need to do a name meaning here this one's obvious. Also, this boy's gonna crack and swap sides I can tell.

This is the most shit-eating grin I think I've ever seen on Eda. She's so proud of herself and she should be!

I also love this because we literally started this show with Luz helping Eda and King rob the conformatorium, and now we're at King and Eda robbing somewhere to do something special for Luz 🥺

Kiki and GG are so petty with each other, it's not just Kiki and Lilith. This is the whole workplace dynamic isn't it.

GG's room design definitely came from the Lilith bedroom design didn't it. Also I love the little Sprig plush!! I think that's a Big City Greens reference in there too but I've never watched that show.

I am very concerned about him and this palisman too. Not about him but just about Belos finding the palisman.

My one other thing I wanted to mention is I definitely feel like I'm seeing more and more disability metaphor in the show. If we see Eda's curse and her subsequent loss of a power as a disability, then GG/Hunter being born without magic could be considered a disability too. He's only been given access to one way of doing magic and it seems to limit him, he's being cut off from a different way of doing magic, the glyphs that Eda is learning, which clearly seem to be able to allow the user to do magic almost anywhere and could be more effective than Belos' artificial magic.

I'm also curious about Bump, he has the kind of palisman Belos wants to do away with, but it's not just a way to do magic for him. It's an aide for his vision. Belos' ideals would also be taking away something from him or other witches who may also be using their palismen as an aide.

[charmed-henry]

sid’s secret santa part (4/?)

somewhere only we know: a heric playlist [x]

Homeward Bound by Simon & Garfunkel

You’ve Got a Friend by James Taylor (cover)

Castle on the Hill by Ed Sheeran

Sober Up by AJR feat. Rivers Cuomo

Twin Size Mattress by The Front Bottoms

exile by Taylor Swift feat. Bon Iver

Somewhere Only We Know by Keane

Some Nights by fun.

It’s Not the Same Anymore by Rex Orange County

Wildflowers by Tom Petty

@maritimeericandersen

hahaha so it is no secret that i honestly go CRAZY for heric. I just think they have the most insane and beautiful and heartbreaking dynamic: they are old friends who are being torn apart by the life choices they are making now that they are adults and the separate ideologies they have developed. And obviously Eric is going down the right path by leaving the Order but Henry certainly doesn’t think so and I just think losing friends (especially in a way that feels so unresolved) is such a deep and complicated pain and I absolutely LOVE exploring that with these boys. So without further ado here is some rambling about the songs I picked for this playlist.

1. Homeward Bound 

I just picked this song because before they properly linked up Henry and Eric were kind of lonely, wandering around and feeling homesick. Obviously Eric even moreso because he was literally on the run, but I think Henry relates a little.

2. You’ve Got a Friend

You just call out my name And you know, wherever I am I'll come runnin' To see you again Winter, spring, summer or fall All you have to do is call And I'll be there You've got a friend

I picked this version because while obviously Carole King is the GOAT I think that James Taylor’s voice is just so melancholy and nostalgic (am I weird for saying that idk it’s just a vibe I get). And I think the lyrics say it all. Heric has always been about intense loyalty and I think this song captures how Henry was just willing to do anything for Eric, even start to betray the rest of the Order a little.

3. Castle on the Hill by Ed Sheeran

You knowww I had to do an Ed Sheeran song... anyway this song is about growing up and growing apart from your friends. Only a few years had passed since Henry and Eric had since last seen each other, but a lot had changed when they reunited. Henry was now a Prince, and Eric was technically “dead.” So I think this song can kind of represent how much has changed.

4. Sober Up by AJR feat. Rivers Cuomo

This song has a similar meaning/vibe, it’s about missing old friends and wanting to reconnect with them. It’s also about how those people remind you of who you used to be, or maybe who you’re supposed to be. I think we can read “sober up” as being surrounded by a lot of intoxicating BS and I think the Order definitely counts as that. Eric reminds Henry of who he is beyond just his Order duties, and being with him he feels like he can be himself a little more.

5. Some Nights by fun.

Well, some nights, I wish that this all would end 'Cause I could use some friends for a change And some nights, I'm scared you'll forget me again But some nights, I always win (I always win) But I still wake up, I still see your ghost Oh Lord, I'm still not sure what I stand for, oh-oh

I think this song is about grappling with your values and with indecision. It feels like the calm before the storm, as Henry and Eric are starting to decide what they have to do. What is more important: their histories or their futures? How do they fit together? 

6. Twin Size Mattress by The Front Bottoms

You stopped by my house the night you escaped With tears in my eyes, I begged you to stay You said, "Hey man, I love you, but no fucking way!"

I know this song is def about something else but thinking about it through a Heric lens I am like AHHH. This is where it starts to fall apart, when they each make their own choices and have to live with the consequences. And ultimately those choices will make Henry really lonely (through his own self sabotage tbh). It’s so sad and beautiful and AHH. That’s all I have to say.

7. exile by Taylor Swift feat. Bon Iver

I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending You're not my homeland anymore So what am I defending now? You were my town Now I'm in exile, seein' you out I think I've seen this film before

I know this is a deep tragic epic breakup song but I think it can apply to really any relationship breaking down and ugh the lyrics are so beautiful! “You’re not my homeland anymore” tfw you realize that you don’t know if you can trust this person anymore or be as open with them as you used to... yeah :(

8. Somewhere Only We Know by Keane

I mostly put this here because it was canonically the song on in the car when they had that big fight! But it also really applies well for them, another breakup song that can be about friendship too. The “place” the song refers to can be an emotional place, this shared memory of what they’ve both been through. And after all is said and done, after they realize they can’t be the same kind of friends they used to be, at least they still have that.

9. It’s Not the Same Anymore by Rex Orange County

I've been so hard on myself, yeah Even my family can tell And they barely saw what I felt I wouldn't wish this on my enemy or anyone else

This song is about realizing you’re really #going through it and you need to make a change and by the end of the song, he does make a change. It’s the last song on Rex Orange County’s Pony album, and it’s such a beautiful way to end an album about heartbreak and struggles with mental health and overall just having a really tough year. And so this is what I really hope for these boys: that they find their way out of the toxic world they grew up in and learn to be vulnerable and open to change! And I think Eric is already getting there tbh, and I hope Henry can, too. <3

10. Wildflowers by Tom Petty

You belong among the wildflowers You belong in a boat out at sea You belong with your love on your arm You belong somewhere you feel free

This song makes me so EMO omg it’s just the most beautiful bittersweet goodbye song. And yes I do always think of that scene in Parks and Rec where Ann moves to Michigan WHATEVER. I don’t know if Henry and Eric will ever be able to be normal friends again, but. if not,  I think this is the sentiment they’ll have for each other. Go on. Be free. <3.

[chaosintheavenue]

Fallout Survey Results!

There were 69 responses this time around, aaand the results are in. This was a really random survey mostly based on pure curiosity, so make what you will of the results!

Without further ado, let’s get into it...

Which Fallout games have you played? 

Which did you play first? 

Which game is your favourite in terms of gameplay? 

Which game is your favourite in terms of lore?

By the way, that one ‘other’ vote was my own, for Van Buren. If I had to stick to the canon games, I’d have gone with New Vegas, 100%.

Are they canon?

Tactics:

BOS:

Van Buren:

Where would you LIKE the next Fallout game to be set? 

Here’s a map of how many times each state was specifically mentioned, because I'm a map nerd.

Top answer: Florida

It’s pretty clear that, as one respondent said, the people want swamp Fallout!

Other countries mentioned: Canada, Mexico, China, Australia, Cuba, UK

A few people just said the US in general for this and the next question, usually when their answer to the other question was a different country. I wasn’t really sure how to categorise that in terms of the way I chose to display the results, so I’ve left them out.

Where do you THINK the next Fallout game will be set? 

Top Answer: New York

Other countries mentioned: Canada

A lot of people mentioned that they expect previous locations to be re-used, but didn’t specify which.

Favourite character

Arcade Gannon: 17 (a lot of my Fallout mutuals are Arcade stans, so there was probably a bit of bias here, but still, an impressive victory for Arcade!) Nick Valentine: 5 Craig Boone: 4 Rose of Sharon Cassidy: 4 Joshua Graham: 3 Raul Tejada: 3 Veronica Santangelo: 3 Fawkes: 3 Deacon: 2 John Hancock: 2 Courier Six: 2 Benny: 2 Lily Bowen: 2 Folks who got one vote: Goris (aside: THANK YOU for making me look up who this is, I have been blessed), Charon, John Henry Eden, Butch Deloria, Irving Gallows, X6-88, Harold, ED-E, Preston Garvey, Ronald Curtis/Picus, Cait, Gob, Ulysses and RJ MacCready

Least favourite character

Vulpes Inculta: 10 Shaun/Father: 8 Caesar: 7 Strong: 5 Paladin Danse: 4 Piper Wright: 3 Craig Boone: 2 Legate Lanius: 2 Parker Quinn: 2 Daniel (from Honest Hearts): 2 Jericho: 2 And the list with one vote: Antony, Mortimer, Three Dog, Princess, Dean Domino, Myron, Cait, Roger Maxson, Arthur Maxson, Justin Ayo, Colonel Autumn, Joshua Graham, Colin Moriarty, Aaron Kimball, Alistair Tenpenny, Ulysses and Robert Edwin House

Favourite faction

Followers of the Apocalypse: 30 (holy moly lol) New California Republic: 7 Minutemen: 6 Railroad: 5 The Kings: 4 Yes Man: 4 Brotherhood of Steel: 4 Caesar's Legion: 2 Enclave: 2 The Institute: 1 Great Khans: 1 Westside: 1 Megaton: 1 Ghoul settlements in general: 1

Favourite DLC

Old World Blues: 14 Dead Money: 12 Nuka World: 9 Far Harbor: 7 Lonesome Road: 6 Honest Hearts: 6 Point Lookout: 5 Broken Steel: 3 Operation Anchorage: 1 Mothership Zeta: 1 The Pitt: 1

When you think of a chem that removes addictions, which comes to mind first? 

When you think of Harold, which version of him do you picture? 

The fate of cats

New Plague symptoms

Does Duncan MacCready have the New Plague?

Are any characters secretly synths?

The synth-accused: Sole Survivor, Ulysses, Easy Pete, most birds, Travis Miles, Courier Six, Colter, Deacon, Mr House (’just for fun’), Piper, and many settlers in general

Also, @ respondent that I’m pretty sure was @hiscotti-biscotti​... 👀👀👀

Which New Vegas ending would you pick to be canon?

And finally, a handpicked selection of the gushing comments (got a bit long because there were so many I liked too much!)...

I wish they made the main quest harder to acces and finish, or to have more step to it... because once I played it one the experience wouldn't be the same. It so amazing discovering new location and being like 'I'm gonna explore that' so damn good.

The fallout franchise has one of the most beautiful heavy lore ridden world I've ever seen

I love the theme of change in the west coast trilogy and how strongly it contrasts the game's moto of "war never changes". I love how you can look at the changes to the NCR from shady sands to the republic but I also love how you can look at the Khans. People and factions do change, but waging war over petty dramas never does, you can escape it, but only if you admit you were wrong and change for the better.

I love the world and the characters. There is always some fucked up shit in the past that has a chance of snowballing into worse shit in the current time, like the  cazadores and the new plague. And when characters are written well, they have a chance of being the coolest part of the games, like with Nick Valentine/Hancock or any of the characters of New Vegas.

When things get creepy it's wonderful. More in the vein of Dead Money or the Glowing Sea please!

I love how in NV the apocalypse isn’t just the end of everything. There’s still culture! There’s towns! There’s just people vibing! It feels less like the apocalypse and more like a developed area that is experiencing a war. People moved on after 200 years. Because that’s what people do.

The hopefulness of rebuilding.

Hhhh LORE!!! Apocalypse aesthetic!!!!! HOPE AND LIGHT AND HEALING AND GOODNESS AND ALSO COOL WASTELAND SHIT AND DEATHCLAWS... fallout good.....

oh my god i love arcade gannon so much i dont know why but i am literally about to start studying latin at uni because of him.

Can I just say I love how fnv gave us LGBT characters without making the fact that they're lgbt their entire personality.

I can go through abandoned buildings without getting arrested.

I love that it's helped me make so many new friends and has reignited my creative drive.

Say what you will about robot fetishists but Fisto was the greatest thing to happen to the series. A true icon and reminder of wonderful writing and character design. They may say you can't make a flawless character, but I say "look at Fisto". Don't boo me, I'm right.

[sunflowershayne]

mortal kombat au

bc i’m a dumb thot that’s severely attached to MK and smosh so.... uwu

ian hecox: liu kang. one of the most recognizable characters, generally considered the “hero” of the MK universe, one of the most powerful human characters, has fire magic and idk i just strongly relate ian to fire sometimes. also very fiercely protective of those he cares about, and will do whatever he can to help others. stubborn and vengeful, even when it can be petty.

noah grossman: ermac. has probably stolen at least 1,000 souls in his lifetime, has an unspeakable aura, has green magic (weed), has that one fatality where he takes out your stomach and noah is v picky so it fits i think. currently has free will and chooses his battles in self-preservation, and wants what’s best for his home and the world he grew up in. has a very strong connection to family due to having the former outworld king’s soul inside of him.

olivia sui: skarlet. is a very strange little creature with an obsession for others’ blood, one of the most powerful girls in the MK universe due to her magic, has the potential to take everything over but just wants approval. is also incredibly brutal but in a subtle way, has an ethereal and almost elegant way to her. basically i just see them both as weird gremlin women with insane amounts of power.

keith leak jr.: kung lao. very close with liu kang, iconic hat, is one of the more mundane humans due to not having a power, but is just as formidable as other kombatants due to his rage and his sheer knowledge of fighting. has a legacy he wants to live up to (the great kung lao is kinda like kung lao sr. right?), and is protective of his family (the shaolin monks). is generally more pissed off than liu kang.

courtney miller: cassie cage. sassy wlw (cassie’s not a confirmed wlw but like... come on, she’s. not straight), has latent magic within her, strong ties to her family, doesn’t rely on her power to fight with others despite being able to. strong badass woman that supports others, literally could kill a man by kicking them in the nuts. uwu-loving, selfie-taking, snapchat-filtering, ass-kicking lady that takes no prisoners.

shayne topp: johnny cage. muscular blond actor that is not-so humble about how they perceive themselves, very jokey and sarcastic, REFERENCES REFERENCES REFERENCES, pop culture, will flirt with anyone if it means he can be out of danger. consistently shirtless, but also incredibly loyal and steadfast, and has a very good heart. will do ANYTHING for his family and friends, including defeat a literal elder god in combat.

lasercorn: scorpion. fire man made of vengeance and anger, loves his clan more than anything, literal hellspawn, has a thing for sub-zero, is actually just a skull under a ninja mask, has actual flame hair, impulsive and has a short fuse. wants nothing more than to avenge his family and clan, and does absolutely anything he can to make sure that he gets what he wants. becomes besties with sub-zero (more than besties but like.... i’m not gonna say it Out Loud lest Ed Boon come murder me in my sleep!!!!!!!!)

jovenshire: erron black. gunslingin’ rowdy boy that tries to flirt with unsuccessful results, has his own interests and goals in mind when he makes decisions, chooses battles based on how much he can gain from each possibility. listens to country music and unironically does the boot-scootin’ boogie, has strong beliefs that people are allowed to make their own decisions and do what they want. a strangely coy and erotic cowboy.

mari takahashi: kitana. ethereal princess of an entire realm, goes from wanting to please others to making her own decisions and being loyal to herself, can kill a man with just a kiss, is besties (i mean in canon they’re dating but like. Not Here!!!!) with liu kang. has hopes for the future, will do whatever it takes to prevent bad things from happening, surprisingly very violent despite being so nice.

sohinki: sub-zero. generally a chill guy that will kick your ass mercilessly when given the chance, may or may not be lasercorn’s true enemy, initially was kind of a strict dude but now he’s just chill and wants to have a good time. always seems to show up whenever others need him, and basically just takes things in stride. all around good addition to a team, but can be stubborn and unmoving.

wes johnson: mileena. very giddy at first, but calms down a bit later on, desperately wants to be considered part of a family, has a strong temper and craves some sort of control, wants stability and prosperity for themselves. proud of their accomplishments and are always looking for people to acknowledge them, big eaters. is like a younger sibling that pesters you for candy. more powerful than they know.

boze: sonya blade. no-nonsense, won’t hesitate bitch, will kill you within a moment’s notice if you cross her, strong and independent with a soft spot for her friends, idk i just really associate boze with army green, was almost definitely a very emo teen. expects a lot from cassie but loves her with all her heart, is ride or die, ambitious and knows what she wants. go-getter through and through.

damien haas: kenshi. is almost definitely a psychic, values honor, besties with shayne, is a GOOD DAD!!!!!!! (fuck mkx’s portrayal of kenshi as a father tbh!!!!!!! takeda deserves better and SO DOES KENSHI!), is 1000% a cat person, has telekinesis probably, kitanas. knows a lot of shit, is lowkey shady af, helps scorpion in the new timeline (which... damien and lasercorn are... mind brothers), helps the Kombat Kids train bc they need it

flitz: kotal kahn. sun god, can and will turn into a lion at any moment, probably just glows sometimes for fun, is real into jade (which. aren’t we all.), is less interested in conquering and more into internal affairs and uniting people, proud of his body (bc kotal’s always shirtless, y’know.), would definitely drink blood for youth and sustenance. is able to teleport and has telekinesis, but it’s just w/e y’know!

rhett & link: raiden. the protector(s) of earthrealm and savior of the MK storyline, all-powerful immortal gods, are like WAY too fucking tall, did i mention that raiden is an elder god and that rhett & link literally saved our asses? gods, truly.

defy executives: shang tsung. old-ass, musty-ass, soul-stealing bitch, is liu kang’s arch-nemesis, brought sindel back to life which literally almost killed everyone in the MK timeline until they were brought back due to the time shenanigans. fuckin’ dusty soul-grabbing bastards that don’t even have good fatalities smh.

[themyskira]

Wonder Woman #48

Previously in What If Wonder Woman But Men???: Earth is being invaded by +~teh D4rK g0dz~+!! They’re an iteration of the Olympian gods from the Dark Multiverse. This means they’re suuuuuper dark and gritty and edgy (i.e. they’re into murdering and subjugation) and have suuuuuper dark and gritty and edgy backstories (i.e. with excessive fridging, slut-shaming and violence).

The reason they’re attacking now is that Diana accidentally summoned them by making a very big and very vague wish while in contact with a magical wishing device, and then forgot all about it.

Last issue, Diana was lured away from Earth by a nakedly obvious distraction so that the Dark Gods could launch their invasion behind her back. This time, we see how Jason managed while she was gone. (In essence: he fails to have any effect on the invaders, but he does discover that his armour gives him a handy infodump power. This entire issue is a waste of space.)

Meanwhile Wonder Woman, our alleged title character, appears in a grand total of one page. Two, if we’re generous and count an unnecessary recap panel.

The panel in question, included here because WHERE THE FUCK IS HER RIBCAGE.

Diana disappears, leaving Jason to fight them monologue at us all on his own.

He calls on the magic of his armour — which, remember, enables him to access ALL THE POWERS OF ALL THE GREEK GODS, but only one at a time because let’s not be greedy.

I want to talk about the armour for a bit, because it comes into play, the more we learn about it, the more utterly half-baked it’s looking.

As of issue #47, we know that the armour was created by Zeus as a weapon against the coming Dark Gods, to be wielded by ‘Earth’s greatest hero’. In a plot snag that only remotely works if every single one of the Greek gods is not only sexist but a complete dunce, the Olympians thought the ‘greatest hero’ in question was Jason and gave the armour to him.

The idea behind the armour seems to be that it allows the wearer to hit the Dark Gods with the combined power of all the Olympians, dealing a greater blow than any one could strike individually. That would make sense. Except that the only stated limitation of the armour explicitly prevents the wearer from doing this: they can only use a single power at a time.

Which means that the benefit afforded by the armour isn’t actually all that great. The Olympians would do better to fight the Dark Gods as a group. Or perhaps appoint a champion who already carries a divinely powerful item and the blessings of many gods. Say, the strength of the earth from Demeter, wisdom from Athena, a hunter’s eye and unity with beasts from Artemis, sisterhood with fire from Hestia, speed and flight from Hermes OH WAIT.

What’s more, the actual powers bestowed by the armour are absurdly ill-defined. In theory, the wearer can draw upon any of the abilities of any of the gods. In practice, that has meant that Jason leans almost exclusively on the Speed of Hermes and the Wisdom of Athena (and oh, friends, we’ll get to that one), with the occasional Strength, I Guess?? and Managed To Hit Something One Time And Claimed He’d Used A Marksmanship Power.

What are the actual powers and limitations of this thing? Can he use the power of Poseidon to cause earthquakes? The power of Dionysus to induce a drunken frenzy in people? The power of Aphrodite to make people fall in love? The power of Hephaestus to forge cool stuff? The power of Demeter to govern the changing of the seasons? The power of Hera to be a petty jealous ass?

Part of the problem with the concept of the armour is that it assumes that the Greek gods have discrete and clearly differentiated powers. It treats them like a team of superheroes as opposed to, you know, gods, with many and varied domains and associations.

Another problem becomes apparent here as Jason summons what he calls “the Wisdom of Athena”, but could more accurately be described as “the Infodump of the Lazy Writer”. This power doesn’t gift Jason with superior insight, understanding, judgement or strategic thinking — it just enables him to instantly know key pieces of plot-relevant information so that Robinson doesn’t have to go to the effort of folding them organically into the story.

This is how Jason learns the identities and domains of the Dark Gods and, hooboy, if you thought ol’ Khrysanthemum the Grimdark Love Deity was embarrassing, get a load of these guys.

ROLL CALL!

“Mob God, goddess of Chaos. And order, too— the “order” of mob rule. The order of a riot.”

MOBGOB! Horns, feathers, plate mail metal bustier and hoodie make for a confused sense of fashion, but the ripped fingerless gloves let you know she’s edgy™.

Literally just a shit version of the Greek goddess Eris.

“The God With No Name. God of doubt. God of nothing.”

THE HORSE WITH NO NAME! Too lazy to get a proper Halloween costume; thinks nobody can tell he just threw a couple of dirty sheets over his regular clothes. We can tell, Horse. We can tell.

Would crap his dacks in the face of the primordial void of Khaos or the gaping jaws of Tartarus.

“Savage Fire, goddess of war. Not war for some ideal or common good. War for power. War for profit. War for blood.”

SEXY SATAN LADY! Crotch is literally on fire. May want to get tested for UTI because that looks painful. Unclear how flaming-dominatrix-in-a-Halloween-mask getup is thematically connected to war domain.

Bro, you do realise that bloodlust, violence, destruction and slaughter in war is literally Ares’ entire deal?

The fourth Dark God — King Best, whose name sounds like a Melania Trump initiative — remains inside his floating statue, apparently biding his time while the other three take it in turns to attack.

Bear in mind, Jason is completely isolated and overwhelmed at this moment, and there’s no better opportunity for the Dark Gods to crush him into a pulp and feed him to King Be Best (he absorbs people’s power or something, it’s a thing, we’ll get to it). But no, they have to softball it by each waiting in turn to attack Jason while delivering some stilted line or other, aka the exact thing Robinson was poking fun at Jack Kirby for six-odd issues ago.

Sexy Satan Lady sets a bunch of flaming bats on Jason. I get the feeling she’s really not all that on board with the war portfolio. Like, she auditioned for the part of Lucifer, got cast as a war goddess instead, and now she just keeps trying to shoehorn hellfire and brimstone into everything.

Mobgob harnesses the power of the mob and uses it to… make a bunch of people jump off a skyscraper. This provides the Dark Gods with their second opportunity to incinerate Jason, as he scrambles to catch everybody before they hit the ground, but instead the Horse With No Name waits politely until all civilians have been delivered to safety before making his move.

Jason: To me, Polly! Jason [VO]: Named my spear after Mom — discovered another of its powers, too — it can appear and disappear out of nowhere if I will it to.

Oh, get fuuuuuuucked.

Jason has spent pretty much his entire life resenting Hippolyta, and now he loves her and named his magic spear after her because James Robinson told us so (yet again, abusing narration boxes for an infodump). And, by the way, how many super-special magical gifts does Jason friggin need?

But mostly what pisses me off here is that Jason’s weapon — a divine polearm with a feminine name that comes to the wielder when summoned with the words “to me” — is basically just Artemis’ ‘Mistress’.

Also, if you take another look at that panel of Jason, you’ll notice that as he summons his spear he is also diving out of the way of the Horse’s murderblast, allowing three innocent civilians to be horrifically killed in his stead. Cool hero.

(No idea how noxious green murderblasts fit in with Mister Ed’s doubt-and-nothing domain, either, but it’s clear that none of the Dark Gods are particularly married to their areas of patronage.)

Jason throws the spear at the Horse, who disappears, and Sexy Satan Lady tags in, attacking him in the form of a pterodactyl made of fire.

Supergirl shows up and decks her. This makes Kara dizzy, because something something magic, and so rather than pay attention to what Sexy Satan Lady is doing or who she might be endangering, Jason swoops right in to help the swooning Supergirl.

Wait, why isn’t Supergirl still in the Dark Gods’ thrall? I thought their very approach was intoxicating and frenzy-inducing to people? Particularly those, like Kara, who have ambivalent relationships with their own divinities? Have we dropped that plot thread?

Jason: Where did you come from—? Glad you did, but— Kara: Those insane gods possessed me, using their energy like I said—

That… does not explain anything.

After a couple of panels, Jason realises he’s forgetting something important. “Wait, what are we doing talking—? Should be looking— those ‘insane gods’ are still here.” But they’re not any more, because all of them except King Be Best’s flying stone statue have fucked off. Great heroing, guys!

Welp, out of sight, out of mind: Jason goes right on back to pointless talk.

“This armour is a gift from my father, Zeus. It allows me the powers of the gods — only one power at a time, but still — Athena’s wisdom allows me to know some things… but my inexperience and stupidity don’t always tell me the best way to act upon it.”

This is where it becomes clear that Robinson is confusing ‘wisdom’ for ‘knowledge’. Athena isn’t the goddess of Knowing Shit, she’s a goddess of strategy, innovation, crafty thought and good counsel. In other words, blessed with the wisdom of Athena, you might not have all the answers, but you can assess what you do know with clear and discerning eyes and judge the best course of action, a.k.a. the complete opposite of what Jason is saying.

Jason and Kara only remember that they’re supposed to be stopping supervillains from taking over the world when Steve radios in to tell them that the Dark Gods are taking over the world.

“They appeared in different parts of the world, sowing madness. Their very presence creates worshippers who then fight or become insane in some way.”

If that’s the case, how did Supergirl break free?

Once again, this is the kind of threat that could potentially be very effective, both in terms of building up the villains as a truly terrifying force and in terms of presenting Diana (remember her?) with a serious challenge in which the civilians she’s trying to save are trying just as hard to kill both her and each other.

And once again, Robinson delivers it in off-panel exposition, rendering it all kind of toothless.

The Justice League shows up and Jason fills them in. Somehow he now magically knows that Diana and the Star Sapphires are fighting another Dark God, I guess because his armour told him so. He also knows that the reason King Best & Less has yet to stir is that he’s waiting for something — though it’s not clear what that something is.

Because the Justice League are pros, they immediately decide that the best thing to do is to all fly right up to the super-dangerous floating murderstatue and stare at it curiously.

Supergirl: The way he’s firing those rays reminds me of the dead New Gods on the Source Wall.

oh good. Please, do talk to me more about some crossover event that I’m never going to read.

Jason: Gods? Funny, I never dreamed I’d hear that term as much as I have.

YOU ARE A DEMI-GOD, YOU FUCKING DUNCE. YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY IS GODS. HALF THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW ARE GODS.

Aquaman: Yes, old, New, Dark. Lots of gods.

I’m so glad we climbed halfway up the Big Bad’s nostrils to have this chat.

It’s at this exact moment that Bestie stops firing his eye lasers and eats the Justice League, which is no more than anybody in this book deserves. Or at least, he absorbs them or eats their energy or something. According to Jason’s useless power of infodump, he needed their power to animate his giant stone form.

Which really raises the question of why he needs a giant stone form. I’m sure it must be fun getting to trample the city and swat drones out of the sky like you’re Godzilla, but when it’s been established that you could be using your powers to induce frenzied levels of devotion and bend everybody to your will… stomping about in a giant rock suit that takes seven of the world’s greatest superheroes just to fuel seems kind of inefficient?

King B swats Jason out of the air, and then we get four pages of Best stomping on buildings while Steve tells us that the world is ending.

“The world’s gone mad. The Dark Gods are defeating everyone — armed forces, superheroes — those whom they haven’t possessed.”

Again, you’re not selling this. You expect me to believe that these dudes are an Apocalypse-level threat, but aside from Be Best eating the Justice League (we already know they’ll be fine), all I’ve seen of them is three rejects in unconvincing costumes making a half-hearted attempt to kill Jason before buggering off. Ten minutes later, I’m supposed to buy that they’ve crushed the world’s armed forces, beaten every hero and brought the entire world to its knees, all offscreen?

Best Buy tries to incinerate Jason; unfortunately Diana arrives in the nick of time to save him, and thus ends another entirely unnecessary issue.

(Oh yeah, and it turns out the big guy in the last issue wasn’t a floaty-stone-statue-Megazord, it was just Be Best. Pity; at least a Megazord might have been slightly more fun.)

[vicetaes]

ANYWAY WHAT I WAS PLANNING TO SAY: KOOK REALLY TOOK TAE ON VACAY LIKE BOYYY. USE THAT JEALOUS ENERGY YOU'VE ACCUMULATED TO 🗣SWOON 🗣YOUR 🗣MAN. And Yoongi being upset is makin more sense now! Now I think Yoongi is a good man bc he didn’t want to support cheating (even if it really wasn’t) rather than a confused hormonal dude. But he is also a petty man bc he had no prob subtweeting + making a song about jimin then basically going "y u s0 0b$e$$ed wit m3 @ chim" (- Mariah Carey™). A whole King.

KOOK SHOWING EVERYONE HOW IT’S DONE. YOONGI CAN LEARN A LOT FROM HIM LMAO and yeah yoongi has his faults but at the end of the day he didn’t want to support what he thought was cheating but then again he didn’t really confirm anything the idiot. HE LITERALLY WROTE AN ENTIRE SONG ABOUT IT and denies that he’s jealous and that it’s all in jimin’s head wow but regardless, we love a petty king. 

[gotgifsandmusings]

GoT 7x01 Musings

My initial reaction to “Dragonstone”

Jess summed it up best in her review when she said there was nothing overly offensive, or interesting, or really...anything. I couldn’t find a ton of ironic enjoyment, because this whole episode was just...beige. Unlike Cheryl’s map. That was damn vibrant.

Arya Todd and...William Sherman

I’ve given up on being pissy about the way faceless man mask magic works. Of course she created it off-screen. Of course she could wear it with a puffy coat and stand on a box and change her voice and becoming convincingly Walder Filch

Do the FM give a shit that she’s running around with their methodology to personal vendettas? Will this catch up with her?

Apparently ALL THE FREYS are in this room, and female Freys are incapable of perpetuating a House. That makes a lot of sense.

Like. What are we supposed to make of this? Are we supposed to be happy? Is this supposed to be poetic justice? It was just so out of place for “oh and then this shock happens” that we have to accept off-screen poison making and implementation (guess she still has control of the kitchens), and frankly separated from the moment where this would have had any impact anyway--her murdering Walder in the first place.

To make matters worse, she THEN stumbles into nice Lannister men, making her rethink her broad-brushing (just like Jonny didn’t want to!), so....does she take back her Smirk of Empowerment? Are we supposed to view this as a negative now? Why show us the “parallels” of Cat and Walder’s death in the “previously on’s” then? I’m just so confused, and once again it’s obvious the show has no idea about it’s own messaging.

We’re glad Maisie Williams got to meet her favorite artist. That was the point of that scene. Gr8 writing. Glad “Hands of Gold” was just shoved in, because it’s not like that context had mattered or that it was foreshadowing anything, or written on the spot about Tyrion and Shae...

Anonymous said to gotgifsandmusings: For what it's worth, I had no idea who Ed Sheeran was until people started complaining about his scene, and if you've never heard of him and don't recognize his face, it really doesn't come off as mugging any more than any of D&D's other "let's cut in a close-up reaction shot!" shtick. I think people (not you, but people) are getting too hung up on this to notice the real awfulness of the first episode, like literally everything about Euron.

I think you can walk and chew gum. If you know it’s obvious and cringe-inducing.

Bran and Gloveless Meera

The Army of the Dead looked kinda cool, but I still think of Pirates of the Caribbean

Did this scene need to exist? It wasn’t bad, or anything really, but they’re quite obviously not wildlings, and I fail to think we would have been lost had we jumped to them already inside Castle Black. Hell, one line of establishing dialogue would have taken care of it.

Sam hunts for Nicholas Flamel

Poor Sam finds himself both in a sitcom and Harry Potter. What the fuck was that montage? Why is this novice training?

The Archmaester Slughorn scene was just for some bad Maester exposition from what I could tell. Are we meant to believe Sam wasn’t asking for assistance before this point? Also this whole thing really highlighted how dumb it was to send Sam here when the army was literally approaching and had just res’d the entirety of Hardhome

Why did the maesters put books about Dragonstone and the Long Winter in the restricted section? Did they know it was dramatically important to the plot?

Okay, correct me if I’m wrong, but the plotline as we know it is: Stannis tells Sam that there’s dragonglass at Dragonstone. Sam forgets about this and goes to the Citadel. Sam gets reminded by turning to a random page in a random book that there’s dragonglass at Dragonstone.

Amazing Shrinking Baby grew!

GREYSCALE JORAH! Omg that was fucking hilarious. Stop trying to touch the novices, dude

Can’t wait for next week: 

expecto pa-groan-um!

Sandor Specs Destro

@saintjustitude said to gotgifsandmusings: The preview bringing back that peasant father and daughter just to remind the viewers who they are when we see that they are soooo dead seems like another example of their narrative sadism and acedia phenomenon. Except now they do it with previews of scenes long forgotten from past seasons. (Unless they've already done it before and I missed it somehow.) -_-

I mean, it’s not out of that pattern, but I think the intent was to instill some meaning in Sandor’s arc? He’s like...coming to face his past demons. And rejecting his formerly nihilistic attitude? Except all we saw was him embracing this last season, so...

Also those skeletons looked ancient.

I guess it’s nice that there was actual character growth? If that’s what you call it? He just kind of suddenly had these fire-seeing powers.

Is it because he almost died? Do other people with near death experiences have these powers? Has he always had this and he just never looked at fire?

Boy oh boy those signs in the fire were beyond detailed for someone who’s never done this before

Where was any of this seeded? Like, was it when he asserted the complete opposite views about faith and how to navigate the world?

They kept trying to tell us it was poetic because it’s “fire based”, but it felt like such a random moment it’s hard to connect it to anything at all. Why did he go on a rampage with the Shire? What was any of that?

Cheryl’s Cartography and Coalition Building

No one questioned the logic of the floor map. Why floor map? How does this help plan troop movement?

Anonymous said to gotgifsandmusings: to be fair we don't know what kind of paint was being used for the map (there are ingredients you can add to paint to make it dry quicker) and we're in King's Landing which is pretty warm - even during winter.

DUDE JUST LET ME HAVE THIS

So Cheryl talks about how everyone is an enemy, including Olenna who is a “traitor” (what? She teamed up with you before your dumbass brother forgot basics of military strategy). Is there a reason she decided to provoke the North by sending that letter? Doesn’t she have other things to deal with, apparently?

They talk about Tyrell bannermen which is a good fucking point, since the Lord Paramount of the Reach kind of blew up. But then…why would they have any chance of getting them to follow them?

Cheryl wants to build a dynasty, Larry points out that they have no heirs, and then Cheryl says “a dynasty for us, then.” That’s not…what a dynasty…ah forget it

She says Tommen betrayed her, and it’s presented as her refusing to process grief. This is actually fine, tbh?

My main issue is that this situation is completely unsurvivable for the Lannisters. Even with an Ironboor alliance, they don’t have the resources, have no sizable allies, especially for land-based warfare (oh ALL THE FREYS are dead and I guess there aren’t other River Lords), and have pissed everyone off, which by all rights should include smallfolk. The idea that there aren’t riots every day is stupid, and there’s really no tension here since they’ll clearly get smushed like a bug. Unless...

That’s right, Euron the new Villain Sue! His fleet is already massive because that’s how many trees they have on the Iron Islands.

And...okay, we’re told Euron is going to be “worse than Ramsay” this year but he comes in with his stupid eyeliner, leather diesel jacket, and new Johnny Depp-esque persona, with the first words out of his mouth being a long whining speech about how mean his niece and nephew were to him. It’s like some drunk pathetic rock star wandered onto the set and was sad he got snubbed for a Grammy. We’re supposed to take this moron seriously?

Also, Cheryl INVITED HIM. She even told us this marriage proposal was coming. Why would she reject his offer? Did she know that he was going to double down on his attempts to win her, even when he has a history of unpredictability, and oh yeah...he could just sit happily as king of the Iron Islands without getting involved with this idiocy?

Boy it would be shocking if his magically materializing fleet secured major military victories. Shocking.

Was Larry given Jorah’s accomplishments from the Greyjoy rebellions?

Winterhell

I’ve had it up to here with Lyanna Mormont’s Feminist Speeches (which demonstrate a complete lack of political and military awareness). OMG all the women will fight! (What a rare trait for Bear Island.) They won’t just be sewing, a complete societal necessity. Yahhhs slayyy empowermentttt!

This could have had a lot more poignance on Jonny’s part too, if we had seen any female Wildling fighters past Ygritte and Smurfette. Like if they had given a Night’s Watch Castle to spearwives, for instance. The Wildlings have all been dudes for a full season at this point, and Jonny’s idea seems to come out of basically nowhere.

How many Wildlings are still alive at this point? Or anyone for that matter? Before the Vale Lords swooped over the battlefield like the army of the dead, there looked to be about a few hundred left in Jonny’s army?

I love how easily this room is won over by whoever speaks. Royce idiotically wanted to tear down castles (was he worried the Army of the Dead might take them and set up reinforcements?), and Sansa is like “no that’s dumb. We should obviously give them to people who helped us” to uproarious applause.

Then Jon just gets really pissy, mostly because she spoke, and decides the hill he’s going to die on is letting castles stay in the hands of the family they’ve been in historically, even though that also means asking a 10-year old to be commanding what’s left of his bannermen at these strongholds of strategic necessity. And the room agrees.

It’s a good message I guess? Though does that mean we’re supposed to look back on Arya’s slaying as a bad thing? When the music was empowering? And it was framed as coming from such a petty place on Jon’s part that I’m just not sure what to make of it at all.

Anonymous said to gotgifsandmusings: Sansa: Ned died because he made stupid mistakes. Sansa, a minute later: Cersei kills her enemies no matter what. Sooo... which one is it?

Whichever makes creative sense, of course.

Oh and Sansa admires Cheryl. I wonder if she might betray Jonny?? It’s so mysterious. And glad they’re having the same arguments over and over.

If Ayra picks Jonny over Sansa in this tiff because Jonny is so much more smarterer and badass (the show seems to think so), I’m going to flip something.

Then we cut to Brienne punching Pod in the face to impress Tormund? I honestly have no clue. I’m sure it was really funny to someone.

I actually did like Sansa telling off Littlefinger, even if the dialogue was clearly written in 2017, but it also begs the question: why doesn’t she tell the Vale Lords the truth about him selling her to the Boltons or murdering Lysa so she can be rid of him? Brienne digs it.

Deadpan touches sand

I can’t help but feel this segment would have been more emotionally poignant at the end of a season than the first we see of her. We already saw her sailing West an new this was coming. All this consisted of was us marveling at the set design, while trying to get back into “oh yeah this is what it means to Deadpan” mode. For some people, they just watch this show the 10 hours it’s on and don’t think about it for a year, you know?

I guess it was fine? “Shall we begin” is kind of hilarious since I’d have to assume they were planning something on the ride over, but whatever.

And yeah, totally unmanned castle. Way2Go Stannis. I think it’s hard to believe no one attempted looting it (they’d need a boat but people are like starving and junk), or that there was just NO ONE THERE. The doors were nice and unlocked, at least. Drama.

Top 3 Nitpicks:

Sewing is not necessary during war

The Maesters locked up the books of plot-based knowledge

Euron’s GIANT fleet

[thestarkalypse]

Drunkalypse, S7 E1: 11ish things

We’re back, Game of Thrones is back, I’m back, yes, surprise I’m here, for the fourth (!!!!!!) season of the Drunkalypse holy shit. 

As always, I [drunk] live-tweet the show because it’s basically a side hustle for which I do not get paid, so check out @starkalypse, follow me, point out any misspellings, etc. Live your life.

Here are some things about episode 1. It is dependably long and devoid of visuals besides the pictures I paint in your head. Ready? ok.

1 Oh my god it’s so Hateful Eight

Arya literally fucking killed off the biggest house in the Riverlands before the opening credits rolled

Anytime a bunch of people drink or eat the same thing, you always have to assume it could be poison time. It did not make sense why Walder would poison his people other than him being a dick. But no, it’s Arya, and everyone watching with me lost their goddamn minds, probably on like a “Joffrey’s dead” level.

And then she just looks at his wife like, “You better goddamn tweet what you have seen here tonight.”

2

OLDTOWN

IS

IN

THE

OPENING

CREDITS

NOW

AND

WE

KNOW

WHERE

THAT

FUCKING

SPINNING

THING

IS

3 

I hate the White Walkers because they scare me but ever since someone pointed out on Twitter that the Night King and one of the long-haired ones are definitely in a relationship I ship it

And these look like more competent zombies than the ones in TWD because they can hold stuff and walk straight but those other ones probably scare me more because, like, those motherfuckers are HUNGRY. They don’t want to fight you, they want to eat you. That’s some creepy ass shit.

4 

Bran’s such a fucking G on his sled just propped up like an old, termed-out president, FDR-ing this bitch. He doesn’t have any goddamn time so he’s going to read your mind for the fucking password, goddamn Bran’s got work to do.

5 The North gets their shit together

Jon and Sansa want girls to have weapons but the northern dudes say no even though Brienne is in the same fucking room and could kick their ass. Then

LYANNA MORMONT MOUTHS THE FUCK OFF I LOVE HER. YOU PERSIST, GIRL, DON’T YOU SIT DOWN, YOUR TIME’S NOT UP.

Her bitchface is so vicious it gives me chills.

Jon and Sansa argue publicly, #awkward, Sansa admits she secretly admires Cersei and runs this blog, and I still think they’re getting together, whatever.

Every time LF shows up it’s just an exaggerated eyeroll. He’s a walking eyeroll. 

6 I’m sailing away

Tormund, the furry ginger sex bomb, is going to go be king of a castle but not before he goes to aggressively admire Brienne fighting. I wish I could have heard that conversation. His gaze is so piercing, respectful, yet deeply carnal that she fucks up and lets Pod land a blow.

Damn, y’all. Did Brienne ever get distracted like that for Jaime……………...all I’m saying is that her latte better get some pumpkin spice this season

7 TRIVIAAAAAA

The dude painting the floor actually paints stuff on the show, like he’s head painter, look it up

Jaime is totally going to kill Cersei

Repartee repartee

So APPARENTLY all that happened was that Euron did a major cleanse or went vegan or did a lot of cardio while everyone else was making 1,000 ships and now he’s fit and dresses like he’s been drunk for three days straight because once you daydrink you either give yourself time to sleep that shit off or you keep going.

Actually he looks like he went on a boat party but then the boat started sailing for Mexico and he ran out of booze and food so he’s just running on fumes but he’s not at like the nausea/headache stage yet he’s still at the “I’m invincible I’m going to live forever let’s go to Waffle House”

Also Euron Greyjoy with some pretty sick burns. Making fun of Jaime who lost a hand by implying his unique advantage of fucking Cersei with two, man...that’s multiple degrees of burn.

Per capita, the Greyjoys have some fucking attractive people this season.

Jaime is the older brother who is not into his sister’s prom date and he really tried to bring it with his cockblock game

JAI COURTNEY CAPTAIN BOOMERANG SUICIDE SQUAD REALNESS THO. Tell me you see it too. You feel it, so deeply within your heart. Let’s sing a song about it, together.

8

Maesterville (ok, Oldtown) is like Hogwarts except it’s not fun at all, Dumbledore is not cool, and you basically have Detention all the time. Also the library has a restricted section that is either full of magic or porn.

9

Arya is going to kill Ed Sheeran.

10

Sandor Clegane is the literal grumpiest cat to ever be a cat or grumpy. Like enthusiastically snarky and delightfully mean, just so, so petty. All the pets. All the pets for grumpy cat.

Do you think you’re fooling anyone with that top knot?

Do you think you’re fooling anyone with that top knot?

Do you think you’re fooling anyone with that top knot?

“Bald cunt.”

Funniest shit ever said on Game of Thrones.

“I always thought you were dull as dirt. You’re not bad. I don’t hate you. But there’s nothing special about you.”

And

“There’s no divine justice, you dumb cunt. If there was, you’d be dead.”

And

“What do you see?”

“Logs burning.”

Sandor Clegane is full-on Regina George this episode.

So it looks like BwB will be going north and Sandor will save the day by out-bitching the Night King.

11

It must be so nice to be a Dany fan.

In closing:

Surely there is a nerd out there who could tell me if one dragon could do enough damage to the creepy ice army or if they need the holy trinity. What will it take? What will it take???????? Must needs knowing.

[lady-alayne]

Game of Thrones: An Angry Recap

Season 7 Episode 5: Eastwatch

Winterfell:

Bran wargs a bunch of birds, sees that the army of the dead are approaching, and concludes that maybe it's time to tell people. Wait, what? The Night's Watch have been trying to tell people this since Season 1 Episode One 0:00:00 sec, but only now that a creepy kid is saying it, people are beginning to believe it? Ugh.

Meanwhile... Ohhhhh, Sansa is ruling the North like a pro! After the King in the North left the North to go shack up with some blonde emo chick with a bunch of dangerous pets, the Northern Lords are not too pleased about their ruler and go to his trueborn sister, WHO SHOULD BE THE QUEEN IN THE NORTH ANYWAY, to complain. They are joined by the Vale Lords, who for some reason 1) are still hanging out at Winterfell (who's holding the Vale at this point??? Shouldn't the hill tribes have taken over the Vale by now???) and 2) suddenly remember that they came in to help Sansa and not Jon, even though they had no problem proclaiming him King in the North last season instead of Sansa, WHO IS NED STARK'S OLDEST LIVING CHILD AND HEIR AND THE ONE THEY CAME IN TO RESCUE I'M STILL BITTER.

So anyway, the Northern and Vale Lords complain about their brand new king leaving them all. It's a brilliant opportunity for Sansa to do what she does best, which is being diplomatic and wonderful and handling explosive situations with charm, but also not taking anyone's shit. I would say Petyr has taught her well, but then I remember that Petyr never taught Sansa in the show because D&D decided to rape her instead, and I am angry again. Ugh. So apparently Sansa just picked these things up along the way, because the FIRST RULE OF STRONG FEMALE CHARACTERS(TM) dictates that being abused and raped always makes you a stronger woman, and is generally a wonderful thing for your character development.

Speaking of empowered abused women! Arya is not really on board with Sansa being the flawless Queen she is. Even though Ed Sheeran and his friends were super nice to her like three episodes ago, she still believes killing people is always the best way to solve problems and wastes no time suggesting just that to Sansa. The two sisters naturally disagree over this, and this ends in a very petty fight that came out of nowhere and made absolutely no sense but I guess the plot commanded it so of course it's perfectly acceptable and yet another reason why D&D totally deserve all the Emmys. Wait here while I go scream into a pillow.

Also screaming into her pillow, I am quite certain, is Random Northern Girl, who is the newest piece in Littlefinger's game. I mean, did you see how she leaned in when she was talking to him? That beautiful face of his will stay in her thoughts for a while, I am sure. Not to mention that she was close enough to smell him. Random Northern Girl, you're living the dream.

It turns out Littlefinger is kind of back to his old self again, and trying to scheme his way onto the Iron Throne and/or into Sansa's skirts. He super discreetly and not suspiciously at all obtains a very mysterious letter and hides it in his room to use that letter... to bring forth the Long Night, probably, because Petyr is so evil, according to people on the internet. (So it must be true.) But oh no! He forgot about Arya! That psycho killer child knows how to lurk! And how to break into his chambers! And how to search his chambers! Whooooaaa!!!! We find out the mysterious and suspicious letter was sent by Sansa wayyyy back in Season 1, asking Robb to come to King's Landing and bend the knee to Joffrey. BUT IT WAS A DOUBLE LURK YOU GUYS!!! Because just as Arya is leaving Petyr's chambers we find out that while he was suspiciously being suspicious and Arya was suspiciously lurking and watching him, he was suspiciously lurking and watching her suspiciously lurking and watching him suspiciously being suspicious! I'm so glad Petyr is back to his old, scheming self before he will inevitably meet his doom in two episodes.

The Reach:

Jaime has survived his fall into the lake, because apparently Bronn dived in right behind him and dragged him out. Seriously? So Jaime's armor does not weigh anything??? After we explicitly read in the books that knights who fall into bodies of water always drown because their armor is dragging them down? Oh, but I forgot, the show and the books are not the same.

A few miles down the road, and...

Oh boy. Daenerys is not done with her humanitarian mission, and rallies the surviving Lannister soldiers to “give them a choice:” Bend the knee, or burn alive. “I'm not here to murder,” she tells them after having murdered a bunch of people. “Now bend the knee before I murder you.”

Most of the soldiers bend the knee because, OF COURSE THEY WOULD, THEY DID NOT HAVE A CHOICE. Not so Randyll Tarly, who politely explains that he has moral concerns bending the knee to a foreign woman who just flew in on a mystical killer dragon and torched a bunch of people. Tyrion, who is... also there for some reason, urges Dany to chill the fuck out and maybe let him go to the wall, but Dany refuses to do so. Classic, and how very kind of her. I can totally see why people would want to follow her!

I wonder what happened to those other people who bent the knee. Did they have to follow Dany to Dragonstone? Or were they free to go home? Is anyone keeping track of the people who have bent the knee? Would it be possible to just bend the knee to avoid getting murdered, and then go back to King's Landing and rejoin the Lannister army?

Not to mention that we kept hearing about Randyll Tarly being a dick for, like, 6 seasons, and now he's the only man who still uses his brain and genuinely cares about his son beyond the “You shall be my heir” minimum. Speaking of his son... DICKON DID NOT DESERVE THIS. Rest in peace, House Tarly. Also, HOW DID DROGON KNOW WHO TO INCINERATE AND WHO TO SPARE???

Dragonstone:

Dany returns from her humanitarian mission of burning people, and it's heaving petting with Jon! Well, he pets Drogon, but close enough; Dany is turned on enough as it is. Jon chides her for murdering all those people, and Dany respons that she only killed them so she could help them. So she murdered out of love! That makes it totally acceptable.

Dany is just about to ask Jon about his res-erection, when Jorah returns AND IT HURTS WHAT WAS THE POINT OF HIM HAVING GREYSCALE ANYWAY AND HE IMMEDIATELY RUNS BACK TO HER AND IT HURTS TO WATCH HIM FRIENDZONE HIMSELF OVER AND OVER. He explains he found a cure for greyscale, one of the most deadly diseases known, and everyone is like, “Read: 2:53 pm.”

Jon Snow's only words to Jorah are that he served with his father, thus once again reminding everyone that he was A MEMBER OF THE NIGHT'S WATCH, and NO ONE thinks of asking him how he could possibly be King in the North, given that, you know, members of the Night's Watch vow to WEAR NO CROWNS AND WIN NO GLORY.

Meanwhile, Tyrion and Varys get drunk in the throne room and bond over their mutual predicament of serving a pretty mad tyrant queen who burns people alive when they displease her. A raven scroll reaches Jon, and he finds out Arya is still alive. ARYA, the girl he gave needle to. ARYA, his favorite sister. ARYA, the one he literally died for. But Jon seems to have forgotten all that, because all he wants to do is catch a wight! Oh dear, that sounds like a very stupid idea. Also, can we please talk about that camera angle? Was that the Dany going down on Jon POV shot? Yikes.

And so Jon and the gang make their way to Eastwatch...

King's Landing:

Jaime returns to Cersei, and the two hold an impromptu war council. “This isn't a war we can win,” concludes Jaime, which makes Cersei wonder about a possible armistice. Jaime also tells Cersei that it was Olenna who killed Joffrey because...... she wanted to be the true ruler of the Seven Kingdoms?!?!?!?! FOR FUCK'S SAKE. IS EVERY SINGLE CHARACTER ON GOT TRYING TO BECOME RULER OF THE SEVEN KINGDOMS????? And thus Olenna sadly joins the other cardboard cutouts of “generic person who wants the Iron Throne because reasons.” Queen of Thornes, you were deeper than that.

A little while later Davos and Tyrion have teleported to King's Landing and Tyrion sneaks into the dungeons beneath the Red Keep for a little brotime with Jaime to convince him to let them have an audience with Cersei once they have caught a wight. For a reason unfathomable by me, Bronn knew all of this before and thus was able to lure Jaime into the dungeons for this. Logic!(TM)

The brothers agree on an armistice, and Jaime brings Cersei the good news that Dany is not planning on incineratingher in the near future. Cersei also shares her good news: She's pregnant, and she will reveal her twincest, and then the family will live happily ever after! Aww, romance is real.

Meanwhile, Davos is on a tour through Flea Bottom looking for someone, and then.... IT'S GENDRY, YOU GUYS!!! He did not row all the way across the sunset sea, he rowed straight back to King's Landing and into his old job! While casual show watchers try to remember who the fuck Gendry was, snobby book readers rejoice when they see his badass war hammer; just like the one his dad good ole King Robert used to fight with (except Robert's war hammer was probably not so obviously made out of plastic).

Gendry joins the band because HE WANTS REVENGEEEE ON THE LANNISTERS, once again underlining the message of Game of Thrones: Violence begets violence, and it's awesome! GRRM would be turning in his grave. What's that, you say? He isn't dead? Then where is The Winds of Winter??????

Speaking of violence, Gendry immediately puts that war hammer to use to mindlessly kill two gold cloaks who are admittedly a bit nose, but in no way nosy enough to deserve such a cruel death. RIP Member of the City Watch #1, and RIP Member of the City Watch #2.

Oldtown:

OH MY GOD. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. WHAT THE FUCK. D&D JUST DECIDE TO CASUALLY MENTION THAT RHAEGAR GOT AN ANNULMENT FROM ELIA LIKE IT'S NO BIG DEAL. OH MY GOD. I THOUGHT THE WHOLE “SAM FINDING A CURE FOR GREYSCALE IN EPISODE 2” THING WAS THE MOST RIDICULOUS PLOT COMING OUT OF OLDTOWN BUT THAT WAS BEFORE THE WHOLE “RHAEGAR GOT AN ANNULMENT FROM ELIA” THING.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME??????? AN ANNULLMENT. AN ANNULMENT?????? RHAEGAR WAS MARRIED TO ELIA OF DORNE AND THEY HAD CHILDREN AND IT WAS ALSO A POLITICAL ALLIANCE FORGED FOR VARIOUS POLITICAL REASONS. IT'S NOT LIKE RHEAGAR AND ELIA GOT DRUNK MARRIED IN LAS VEGAS TWO DAYS BEFORE. THEY HAD A LEGIT WEDDING CEREMONY AND THEY HAD CHILDREN. YOU CAN'T JUST ANNUL A MARRIAGE BECAUSE, OH, YOU MET SOMEONE HOTTER A WEEK AGO. OH MY GOD. NO. NO. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.

Eastwatch:

Davos is really teleporting all over the map this episode, and he reaches Eastwatch after a short row in a tiny little rowboat. I guess that was because the sea is generally so smooth in winter, and not frozen at all. Jon and gang sit down to talk to Tormund about Operation Catch a Wight, and he is understandably not convinced, but eventually decides to give them a little help by hosting a quick speed dating round of men wanting to go beyond the wall, which—surprise!—includes the Hound and Beric Dondarrion! Reunion #2556123 in Season 7 alone!

Because they are all breathing, the men decide to set aside their differences, and embark on their next adventure. Let's hope Jon makes it back in time for the epic boat sex.

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 23rd June 2019

Typically I’d call a week where we have two top 10 debuts pretty busy but when that and a couple Drake songs are basically all we have, it’s not that big of a deal... but these very few new arrivals will have a lot to unwrap, so part of me thinks this won’t be a short episode at all.

Top 10

There were three songs I figured would definitely make a play for the top spot this week thanks to both star power and controversy. None of them even got close, because Ed Sheeran and Justin Bieber are still at number-one for a sixth week since its debut. There’s a better Ed Sheeran song in the top 10, can we get that up instead?

Stormzy’s “Vossi Bop” is only moving up two spaces this week because of the collapse of the songs above him, but I’m not complaining his boost to the runner-up spot.

Similarly, Billie Eilish’s “bad guy” is up two spaces to number-three.

Unfortunately, this boost has lead Lewis Capaldi’s “Hold Me While You Wait” up an identical set of placements to number-four.

Now, we have the first guess I had for number-one, and that is “You Need to Calm Down” by Taylor Swift, which debuted at #2 in America, becoming her 13th Top 10 hit over here in the UK. We’ll talk more about this one later, and it’s definitely a can of worms I’m worried to open.

The Chris Brown song debuting last week, “No Guidance” featuring Drake, has also had a two-space boost up to number-six, because of Drake and not because of the fading relevance of Chris Brown.

Oddly, “Old Town Road” by Lil Nas X featuring Billy Ray Cyrus has taken a hit five spots down to number-seven, but I really doubt this won’t be rebounding because of Nas’ EP that released last week.

Now this was my second guess for number-one, “Cross Me” by Ed Sheeran featuring Chance the Rapper and PNB Rock, up a singular space to number-eight this week. I think it’s a lock for the top five next week considering the video release, but we’ll see.

At number-nine, we have the late Avicii’s “SOS” featuring Aloe Blacc down two positions.

Finally, my third guess for number-one and one I’m surprised performed as it did. This is Little Mix’s “Bounce Back”, and that title is quite ironic but more on that later. Nevertheless, it’s their 14th UK Top 10 hit since their debut, and we’ll talk more about the song itself when it comes to it.

Climbers

There aren’t all too many here, but what is here I’m not exactly complaining about at all, because these are songs I really like. “3 Nights” by Dominic Fike, which is an insanely good song, has had a pretty large 10-space boost to #21, and I’ve  been rooting for this to get into the top 20 for a while now. There’s also last week’s debut which I quite liked, “Strike a Pose” by Young T & Bugsey featuring Aitch up five to #25, but that’s pretty much it. I wouldn’t usually note a song which is up four spaces either, but “Ladbroke Grove” by AJ Tracey is at #22 now and I am rooting for this song so much, I am not giving up until this hits #1, it’s an outstanding song.

Fallers

Now we have a lot more of these to say the least. Starting in reverse order, “What Do You Mean?” by Skepta featuring J Hus is down 14 to #39, with “Greaze Mode” also by Skepta featuring Nafe Smallz down nine to #37 and “All Day and Night” by Jax Jones and Martin Solveig presenting EUROPA featuring Madison Beer down a whopping twenty-four spaces to #34 thanks to streaming cuts. We also have “Heaven” by the late Avicii featuring Chris Martin down eight spaces to #28 (The quicker the better), “Shine Girl” by MoStack featuring Stormzy down 10 spots to #23, “Grace” by Lewis Capaldi unfortunately not switching its spot with another Capaldi single as it’s down five to #17, speaking of, “Someone You Loved” is finally out of the top 10, down eight to #11, but I feel it’ll be back again when Little Mix drop off a bit.

Dropouts & Returning Entries

MoStack is proving his lack of longevity compared to Skepta as both of his album bomb hits from last week, “I’m the One” featuring Fredo and “Stinking Rich” featuring Dave and J Hus, are out from #39 and #19 respectively – probably because they weren’t any good in the first place. We also have the absolute collapse for Liam Gallagher’s “Shockwave” out from #22, but I don’t expect post-Oasis Gallagher singles to ever have any legs, so it’s fine. Thanks to hype dying down about the Detective Pikachu film the song was made for, “Carry On” by Kygo and Rita Ora is out from #35 and I don’t expect it to come back. Oh, and that Jonas Brothers song, “Sucker”, is out from #40 – finally. We do actually have a returning entry also, because “Summer Days” by Martin Garrix, Macklemore and Patrick Stump of Fall Out Boy is back to #36. A lot of the songs outside the top 20 are showing promise actually, I’m definitely seeing a lot of improvement within the Top 40 and I’m excited for these to become fully fledged Summer hits. I’m also glad to hear a Macklemore verse on the charts again. This dude gets too much slack.

“ALBUM” BOMB?

Drake – The Best in the World Pack

This isn’t exactly an album but it’s an EP or single or whatever, a two-pack? I don’t know, but it’s Drake debuting two songs from the same project, so I’m going to count this as the third episode in a row with an album bomb. Drake’s “Best in the World Pack” is just a group of two trap bangers to celebrate the win of the Toronto Raptors, or whatever, I don’t care about American or in this case Canadian sport, I just have to review the music every week.

#33 – “Omertá” – Drake

Produced by OZ, EY and Deats

This is Drake’s 48th UK Top 40 hit, which is something I didn’t think could even possibly happen but sure, let’s go with it. This is one extended verse which a pretty janky guitar-lead trap beat behind it, with gliding strumming and an organ, it’s not all that awful of a production, but then Drake bores me insanely with his ramblings about “Mob tradition” because of course, he has mob ties (Lotta ties, lotta tieeeeeees) and he really wants us to know. So, he brings up Pusha T in his monotonous, droning delivery as he would typically do, with flows that sound like he’s just thinking of it on the spot and not really putting any effort in to connect his bars, in a typical Drake way where he develops the rhyme scheme by halting the momentum of his verse completely. There’s no mention of the Toronto Raptors, it’s just about him and honestly, it’s just something we’ve heard so many times before. The self-proclaimed “Petty king” doesn’t really have any interesting bars mostly because he doesn’t attempt wordplay. He’s just stating “I’m rich and got mob ties” a lot of the time, and then his verse literally fades out, but it sounds like it was right in the middle of a bar and he wanted to continue, but the producer cut him off. I don’t know, I don’t care.

#13 – “Money in the Grave” – Drake featuring Rick Ross

Produced by Cydney Christine, Ljay Currie and Asoteric

This beat was produced by an Instagram model, and is Drake’s 49th UK Top 40 hit, as well as Rick Ross’ something or other, I’m not going to bother counting especially since the Wikipedia page doesn’t list UK as a section in his featured singles so I’d have to go page by page. But yes, as expected with no-name producers, this beat isn’t any interesting and feels like a pretty non-subtle way of blending the new West Coast bounce that is very prominent now but keeping it safe with a menacing trap beat so it’s not as jarring and can age better than the people who really care about the culture and making West Coast hip hop about their experiences in that environment. Oh, but this song also kind of bangs to be honest with you. It’s a bit too non-existent for my taste, and by that I mean Drake’s vocals are mixed a tad too loud, I feel, and while his bars usually connect, they often feel a bit too much like sentences that just drift away from one ear to out the other, although some of them I remember because they’re especially kind of dumb, where he uses the fact that he’s friends with Max B to hit Kanye with another jab as well as saying he’s going to get a face tattoo, which Drake is definitely a bit too safe for. Also, he says this:

I got two phones, one need a charge / Yeah, they twins, I could tell they ass apart

How do these two lines make sense together? I don’t like to nitpick but Drake’s a rapper rapper so I feel the need to say that these lines directly juxtapose each other.

Anyway, this song is shorter than “Omertá” and actually has a chorus, yet is somehow just as boring, because Drake is way too dull to carry a beat this safe and only slightly West Coast-tinted so it has no real bounce, since it’s still grounded in a stilted trap beat. Rick Ross sounds half-asleep but his verse is pretty good, I especially like his inflections on “Bounce” and everything that rhymes with it. Also, his guest verse tag, the “M-Maybach Music”, will always be fire. I hope his pear diet is going well, but overall this just isn’t very interesting. How about we bring back a segment we haven’t done in a while just to show what real charisma and energy is in trap?

FEATURED SINGLE

“Lalala” – Y2K and bbno$

Produced by Y2K

Y2K is a producer who I haven’t heard much from, but the Canadian MC bbno$ is from the same camp as meme-rapper Yung Gravy, but I’d like to think they’re more than a meme and instead just rappers who use humorous and comedic deliveries to propel their punchlines and that’s never more evident than it is with bbno$’s breakout track that was released off of the back of a viral marketing campaign, “Lalala”. This song is dripping with carefree attitudes towards the music and shows how they’re actually having fun, which is something I didn’t notice with Drake and Rick Ross at all this week. The song starts with a short back-and-forth outtake from the recording sessions, which isn’t distracting enough to feel unwarranted on repeat listens, especially since it just takes eight seconds for that beat to drop and it wastes absolutely no time to get into it. The beat is a slick trap production infused with bouncy Latin guitar and occasional beeping noises, with bbno$’s delivery really shining out as he essentially just has three different choruses. The chorus is insanely catchy and he rides the beat with his high-pitched, somewhat mocking tone but the “verses” (Which feel like a different chorus) has an even more fun, somewhat emo-influenced flow, which I noticed because of the nasal tones of his voice and lack of need to really enunciate a single word he says. It’s not like the content is all that interesting, but there are quirks about it that really show his background as a meme/comedy-rapper, especially the use of the word “Wristicle” and instead of directly bragging about all the stacks he’s throwing, he starts the first verse with flexing his stable credit card score, with even some cool wordplay about Canada thrown in there. The nonsense chorus is so fun, and even when he breaks out of the two typical flows for a more typical triplet flow he puts on an accent and just runs out of words to say, but instead of feeling incompetent (Which it still kind of is but that’s the point), this feels like the dude is actually having fun and you know, enjoying his job and his lavish lifestyle – which, by the way, is probably not that lavish. The dude says the word “Wristicle” several times in the chorus, do you REALLY think he’s getting any?

EDIT: I have just found out he does not say “Wristicle” and instead says “Wrist, it go”. My headcanon is better. But yeah, check this out, it has a pretty kicking Latin groove behind the trap beat and mocking lyrics, it’s great.

NEW ARRIVALS

#10 – “Bounce Back” – Little Mix

Produced by Swiff D and Stargate – Peaked at #2 in Scotland

I can’t help but think this is pretty seriously underperforming. Okay, sure, a top 10 debut is nothing to scoff at, but history’s told us you expect a Little Mix single to hit the top spot, so after “Woman Like Me” stalled at #2 and the album wasn’t as successful (Although still massive), I have full belief that they’ve made the worst decision possible, having a rushed single to alleviate fears of falling off, and sadly that often leads to even less success with that single and album. The last time they made a comeback, it was special, but this is an afterthought single. Oh, yeah, well, the song isn’t all that awful, it’s got a pretty fun bounce reminiscent of both trap and New Orleans hip hop of the 90s, although it does feel like a pretty cheap, manufactured rendition. You can REALLY tell this is one of these rushed singles, as the vocal mixing isn’t as flashy as usual, in fact the whole song is really odd, to be honest. After Jesy’s rap verse about taking Vitamin D (That hasn’t been done before, I’m sure), there’s a meaningless pre-chorus from Jade that just repeats a bunch of words that don’t really add anything to the song at all, like I’m fine with bland lyrics but come on, it’s just a bunch of faux-female empowerment/sex song buzzwords, before a really janky chorus that just sounds like one of the girls but it’s apparently all of them? They have an interpolation of “Back to Life” by Soul II Soul, but since the production is too lowkey and minimalistic, the chorus taken straight from that track, a much more glamorous and over-the-top song, it doesn’t work being translated to a moody sex song, in fact the fact that it’s four girls on the chorus probably makes it so much worse than just having Perrie, the more audible one. Then there’s a plastic-ass sax solo and I give up, this really isn’t even trying to have a pop spectacle anymore. Big Sean did it better. Also, I have started watching Celebrity Gogglebox specifically for when this band appears on the charts, because then I can know the names and any Mixers who find my blog won’t get mad at me for accidentally calling one manufactured pop star by the name of another manufactured pop star. When their onstage personalities are this similar, I don’t feel the need to care. The only one that shines out to me is Jesy because she’s the most obnoxious and genuinely awful, mostly because she tries to rap and AAAAAAAAAAAA

#5 – “You Need to Calm Down” – Taylor Swift

Produced by Joel Little and Taylor Swift – Peaked at #1 in Scotland and #2 in the US

Can I skip this one as well? No? Okay, well, first of all, I do not like this song’s lyrical content not because I’m a raging homophobic hillbilly as the video may suggest. In fact, I think the video’s got a larger issue than the song itself, where she uses slang inherited from both black LGBTQ+ as well as stan culture to get her point across, as it paints all of the people who are negative towards LGBTQ+ culture, and no it’s not a generic empowerment anthem, she explicitly says the word “gay” in the pre-chorus, as poor and just Texan hillbillies without a sense of fashion. First of all, nobody’s protesting Taylor Swift of all people, so I have a sense that this is making the issue about herself. Second of all, we should be fighting the people in power with backwards ideals, and I feel like she doesn’t know who is actually suppressing the community, which would be the people up top who are making the laws and controlling society from their government buildings, making decisions for what’s “best” for America, and they’re usually not just hicks who’ve never seen a grand in their lives to say the least, they’re usually suit-and-tie types with net worths that’d make the Monopoly man cry himself to sleep. Also, I feel like once again, she makes the video about herself. The scene where she makes up with Katy Perry in fast food costumes is supposed to be cute but it takes away from the message at hand and really just distracts from the actual topic, which is, you know, LGBTQ+ communities and oppressed communities as a whole, not Katy freaking Perry. This type of pandering content from the 1% usually bothers me and profits aren’t going to charity, but she is giving to them and she is being vocal about these issues so what am I to complain? She’s bringing LGBTQ+ people (Most already in the spotlight) to the spotlight—oh wait, yeah, that’s dumb, the video is less of a profitable pride parade and more of both a PR statement and a misguided attempt that just ends up as a “Bad Blood”-type celebrity cameo frenzy. The song isn’t any good either, it’s a pretty bland synth-pop track that directly rips off “Paper Planes” by M.I.A., which, to be fair sampled its bassline from the Clash, but I can’t listen to this song without thinking of the beautiful jacksfilms video  comparing the two songs. Also, “you need to calm down”? “You need to just stop”? What a powerful statement, that is, Taylor(!), and your disinterested rap flows don’t help, with corny lines about taking shots at HER, let me repeat, HER, like it’s Patron and the haters just being mad, when they can be... GLAAD. Sigh.

Conclusion

I spent some time talking about how I was excited for the Summer hits, but none of these debuts are good. At all. That’s pretty great though because none of them sound like they’ll stick around except Taylor, and we all know how “ME!” is doing so maybe not even that. Worst of the Week goes to Taylor Swift for “You Need to Calm Down” and we have a tied Dishonourable Mention to Little Mix and Drake for “Bounce Back” and “Omertá”. Uh, I guess Best of the Week can go to Drake for “Money in the Grave”, but trust me, that is because of Rick Ross and no one else. Follow me on @cactusinthebank for more musical ramblings and I’ll see you next week!

[lia-nikiforov]

Spring Anime Final Impressions

The flowers are gone and all we have left is the summer heat and flooding rains -literally my hometown’s in chaos because of the rain ahahaha- but I couldn’t leave without my last impressions of this lovely spring season. I’m going from best to worst, akthough just as it was at the start of the season, there’s a very harsh cutoff point from the good stuff to the trash.

Uchouten Kazoku 2: There’s little I can say that can express how beautiful and perfect this show is and how worried I was that the second season might feel unnecessary or that it wouldn’t live up to the magic of the first one, but boy was I wrong. This remains one of the most delightful and criminally underappreciated franchises of this decade and being able to spend more times with its wonderful characters and magical rendition of Kyoto has been an utter pleasure. If Morimi ever decides to write more novels I hope they get the same loving treatment from the folks at P.A. Works.

Shingeki no Bahamut: Virgin Soul: Although not the tightly packed exciting adventure of the first season, Virgin Soul is no less entertaining while also cutting deeper narrative sensibilities and character developments, as well as expanding the world of Bahamut without ever leaving the capital city. The production itself is wonderful, with  a warm color palette and excellent animation. Nina is an excellent protagonist and one I enjoy following immensely and although I can’t help wonder what they’re planning to do with her budding romance with Murder King I’m certainly excited to see what adventures await her and Jeanne as they head to the dragon village.

Boku no Hero Academia 2: This season has definitely stood out for the flood of absolutely excellent sequels and HeroAca is no exception. Tournament arcs are a staple of the shonen genre but I haven’t seen a lot of them handle it as well as this show has, giving us a bittersweet conclusion and setting up character arcs for a lot of Deku’s very excellent classmates. The show did a great job of exploiting its extended cast for the best with a vast range of creative Quirks. I grew particularly fond of Mei and Shinso and I hope we get to see more of them. But first! Iida angst! Protect these children please!

Attack on Titan 2: After four years and watching Araki’s masturbatory Zombie Train AU, Attack on Titan’s season 2 had a lot to live up to and I gotta say it didn’t disappoint in the slightest! Between the excellent pacing, the brilliantly planned horror tone and the little tweaks in bringing up events from later in the manga (namely Ymir’s backstory) they managed to make these 12 episodes a wild and incredibly satisfying ride. Maybe my only complaint is the brief appearance of CG Colossal Titan, but other than that, it was a worthy sequel that easily surpassed the original and I’m really looking forward to S3. Extra props for the OP and the terrifying ED which will give me nightmares forever.

Natsume Yuujincho Roku:  This new season of Natsume, however short and seemingly inconsequential, felt leagues above the previous one, and I can’t quite pinpoint why. There was something uniquely heart-warming about the selection of stories and seeing how far Natsume has come in his journey and with the support of friends and people that love him. Although there was virtually no progress in disentangling the mystery of Reiko (actually, I don’t think Natsume returned a single name this season) we got a couple of clues in the last two episodes and had an important change with Natori. I don’t know if we’ll ever see more seasons of this beautiful show, but that it remains so consistently well-written and sweet after over 70 episodes is truly a wonder.

Yowamushi Pedal: New Generation: I was skeptical about Yowapeda without the charismatic third years, but I gotta give props to Watanabe and the anime team for managing to create new compelling characters for all the main teams. It still has its shortcomings: Kaburagi’s quite insufferable for the most part, as is Doubashi, and I’m not a fan of Izumida becoming a cocky trashtalker. I think they could’ve done more with Sohoku as reigning champions, but for the most part they’ve fabricated dumb excuses to still paint them as underdogs, which is frustrating. And I will never in my entire life forgive them for not giving Teshima light of my life at least the minimal satisfaction of taking a tag. It’s a frustrating recurring theme that hardworking characters (like Teshima or Oikawa) always lose to the geniuses (unless they’re the protagonist) and that paints a very grim and saddening picture of sports, especially considering these shows are supposed to be aimed at teenagers. Idk, it’s annoying and Teshima deserved better. Still a great season overall, but a very sour ending.

Kabukibu!!: It’s always nice to see a show about a niche subject be actually good and that was the case with Kabukibu. Although it never quite reached the heights of the first few episodes with its subtle discussions of gender, it remained a charming show that shone through its terrible terrible production values. Although I’ll say it didn’t quite succeed in making me interested in Kabuki the way Rakugo Shinjuu did with its titular art form, it has a unique message  about the elitization of art. Definitely worth a watch. 

Little Witch Academia: You’ll probably think LWA’s low position on this rank is rather strange. It’s not a bad show by any means. It’s charming, fun, with great animation and likable characters. But I was sourly disappointed with how the second half panned-out, with its laser focus on Akko causing the colorful cast (including best girl Sucy) to fade into the background completely. With the exception of a few standalone episodes, none of the other girls –save Diana- really got much time to shine, which was a true tragedy. The resolution of the conflict with Croix was also awfully anticlimactic. So yes, a very good show, maybe better than the two above it, but that had potential for so much more so I can’t help grading it on a curve in terms of how it didn’t meet my expectations. 

Oushitsu Kyoushi Heine: I honestly had no expectations going into this one and thought I’d end up dropping it so I was pleasantly surprised by how fun and charming it was. It’s not breaking any grounds or changing the world, it’s just that old familiar comfort food that doesn’t disappoint and leaves with a happy, satisfied feeling. The ending was super hammy but I was nonetheless charmed by the four princes and Heine so it feels like a worthy use of my time, though I wouldn’t reccommend it to anyone that wasn’t already into this kind of shows.

STARMYU 2: Like Heine, Starmyu is easy, stupid comfort food. It’s hard to praise it because it is so profoundly stupid, but I love it dearly even if I can hardly name the five main characters. The middle portion was kind of a bore, but it picked up pretty great in the end, with the twist of giving Hoshitani the starring role so he could go full gay share the stage with Otori, and they even managed to somehow tie up most of the loose threads they opened during the season –namely Ageha’s involvement- even if it was in trite, ridiculous ways. But if you expected anything less than trite and ridiculous from Starmyu, you’re barking at the wrong tree

Grimoire of Zero: The first half of this series was terrrrribly boring (and overall terrible too), but it managed to have a graceful landing for the finale and that’s why I’m putting it above the other two. Could’ve done without the creepy salesman almost literally masturbating to Zero’s smell or the show making us sympathize with the dirtbag sex slaver wolfman or how generally boring the major conflict was but it was mostly okayishly dull. Terrible production values though with Kabukibu as competition, you almost didn’t notice.

Re:Creators: Aaaand here’s where we take a dip in shitland. This is a very depressing show because it has so much potential and some true moments of brilliance, but it never truly grasps any of it, doesn’t stick the landing, and then we’re left with a “what could’ve been”. Plot developments are contrived –especially in regards to Magane- and Meteora needs to shut the fuck up. Our milquetoast protagonist (who claims in ep 1 he’s not the protagonist and some suckers actually believed him) has also received a tragic dead girl accessory now which only makes the whole thing even more sour and frustrating

Seikaisuru KADO: Hear me out folks, I love KADO. I love it because I hated the first half with such boiling passion and yet saw people singing its praises left and right for its “complex themes” “clever sci-fi plot” and “original premise” in spite of its terrible writing and inconsequential plot developments. The writing introduced literally world changing concepts and then refused to commit to show their consequences, to the point of completely backtracking by the end of the show. So I was veeeery pleased when the show decided to self-destruct in the stupidest possible manner if only for a sense of petty self-vindication i-was-right-all-along. It ended being terrible for different reasons than it was at the start, but still, the fact that it managed to have such an incredibly terrible ending is mind-bogglingy hilarious. Of course, if you give it proper thought, it’s infuriating –everything regarding the magic Daughter ex Machina plot is- but boy am I glad the show became so irredeemably terrible. Thanks Toei! (zaShunnina and Hanamori deserved better though). I’ll give them this, the dynamic of zaShunnina’s arm movements was pretty unique and gave us a handful of very fun shots.

And now the summer’s here and my last month of freedom before I start my Masters, pray for my soul my friends. Spring was a very strong season thanks to its very strong sequels, but there aren’t any of those for summer (except for the continuing ones) Let’s hope that this new season brings along a good bout of surprises and good anime and that Amazon doesn’t destroy the simulcast industry