#buck refuses to confront or deal with what he feels

[fiona-fififi]

Something about Buck never really allowing himself to feel and instead always running from his feelings by chasing things he thinks will fix him, but Eddie, the master of pretending he's fine, always feeling too much too deeply and too often until he breaks.

[wannabanauthor]

I want a slow burn BuckTommy fanfic.

And I mean slow burn.

I want them hanging out, grabbing a beer, going to the movies, and spending time with Eddie.

Then one day, Eddie asks Buck if he can drop something off to him at Tommy’s house. Buck knocks on the door when he gets there and is greeted by a shirtless Tommy.

Tommy says they’re sparring in Muay Thai, and Buck’s like “can I watch?” And then spends the entire time salivating over Tommy without knowing what he was feeling.

Buck convinces himself that he’s only admiring Tommy’s body because Buck is also a fitness enthusiast.

Then Eddie leaves, and Buck barely notices because he’s staring at Tommy.

Tommy is not an idiot. He knows when another guy is checking him out, but he thinks it’s better to let Buck figure it out on his own.

Buck has different plans though. He takes off his shirt and is like “teach me Muay Thai”.

Now Tommy is the one staring. Maybe he starts asking Buck about his tattoos and even touched one and asks if it hurt to get them, meanwhile Buck has to restrain a moan in his throat.

Tommy just raises an eyebrow and continues asking about the tattoos. Then they do some light Muay Thai training, and Buck takes a cold shower when he gets home.

He has a wet dream about Tommy that night, and he still doesn’t know what to do because he’s not into men, right? Everyone makes a strangled sound when a hot guy with a great body touches them, right? He also finds himself with an erection that refuses to go away. So he gets himself off, and near the end Tommy pops into his mind, and he comes harder than he ever has in his life.

A few days later, Buck’s leg starts acting up, so Eddie asks Tommy to check on Buck and see if he needs anything while Eddie has to work.

Tommy comes over with food and entertainment to take Buck’s mind off the pain. Buck is happy and grateful, and is also a spoiled princess and puts his legs on Tommy’s lap, and Tommy gives him a leg massage. To both legs. Maybe it turns into a full body massage to help Buck relax.

Buck is practically in love but doesn’t know how to deal with or even properly acknowledge his feelings.

Later on during a shift, Tommy and Buck get called to the same accident site. They work really well together, and the people they save tell Buck that his boyfriend is very good at his job, and he’s like “my what now?”

Tommy pretends not to hear anything, but he’s quickly losing control of patience and willpower. He wants to make a move so badly, but he doesn’t want to freak Buck out.

So one night, Buck is elbow deep in Tommy’s social media profile and comes across an old post of Tommy kissing another man and referring to him as boyfriend. When I say elbow deep, I mean he’s 3 years into Tommy’s post history.

Seeing Tommy with another guy makes Buck feel angry, but he refuses to acknowledge why. Until he sees Tommy and accidentally confronts him.

Like maybe they’re sitting on a couch, Tommy takes a swig of his favorite craft beer that Buck bought him, and Buck just blurts out “are you gay?”

Tommy doesn’t even choke in surprise. He just says yep nonchalantly.

And then…stay tuned for the next update. This might be a summary fic (my term for a fanfic that’s more an in depth summary rather than actual fleshed out fic).

I want to see how long I can go on without having them kiss. I want longing and yearning and sleepless nights. Wait, omg, what if there’s only one bed in their hotel room in Vegas. What if they get drunk and accidentally get married? They try to get it annulled, but Buck’s like “wait a minute, we get a tax break” and Tommy has to be like “I think that’s called fraud.”

There are so many ways I can drag this out.

[eddiebabygirldiaz]

still the bone remembers, still it wants | chapter 5/9 | 16k | read on ao3

The thing is, wanting has always been easy.

The thing is, wanting has always been so hard.

or, eddie goes to therapy and learns how to want. buck helps.

snippet:

Buck’s door is actually quite fascinating.

Lots of whirls in the wood. Identifiable grains that have been stained. Dark enough that it looks smooth at first glance, but in actuality there’s a lot of detail that goes unnoticed.

Eddie has spent a truly embarrassing amount of time studying this fucking door.

Turns out healing from your traumas and learning to stop hating yourself doesn’t completely eradicate the anxiety that curdles in your gut at the thought of confronting the man you love and confessing your feelings after apologizing for essentially rejecting him.

Bad things still exist and currently all those bad things are flaring bright and shiny through Eddie’s mind like some kind of twisted movie reel. A silver screen of how horribly everything can go.

Buck could refuse to see him and slam the door in his face. Buck could hear Eddie out but ultimately decide he doesn’t want to deal with the mess being with Eddie will entail. Buck could scream and yell and whittle Eddie down into nothing. Buck could actually feel nothing about what happened between them and tell Eddie they are better off as friends.

Eddie is catastrophizing, he knows it. And he wishes he could leave that to Buck because holy fuck this is awful. He hates feeling so unconfident. He hates lingering over a threshold with little idea of which way to go. He hates assuming the worst when logically he knows most of those things are unlikely.

read the rest on ao3

[thewritetofreespeech]

Could I request Kazuki, Rei, and Kyutarou with a super sweet s/o losing it when she hears someone badmouthing or hurting them?

Buddy Daddy Boys + Protective S/O

Kazuki

He was too good natured for his own good sometimes.

Sure he’s a contract killer, but he wants to see the good in people too. Give them the benefit of the doubt. When someone is being rude or mean to him, he just tries to brush it off and keep going.

Which is a little hard to do when someone has his collar in their fist.

“Come on man. Relax. It’s just a game.”

“You owe me money!” The hulk of a man yelled in his face, as he demanded the money back from the bet he just lost. And for some reason blamed Kazuki for.

“I can’t really give you any money if you’re holding me here. Plus, I just lost all my cash too. Why don’t we use my last buck to grab a beer and drown our sorrows.”

“I don’t want a beer!” The blonde’s natural charms not working on him. “I want my money! Either you give it to me or I’m gonna take it out on your face.”

‘Aw geez….’ He really didn’t want to resort to violence in his favorite casino. He’d like to come back some day.

“Hey!” The two men look over the hulk’s shoulder at s/o standing there. “Put him down now.”

The man growled. “Or what?!”

“Or you’re about to feel what 800 volts feels like on your asshole.” An ominous chatter from their pocket taser, poised just at the brute’s backside, sounded. Letting him know that he might get one hit, but he wasn’t going to get another.

The man grit his teeth, realizing he’d rather not get intimate with their taser, and roughly let Kazuki down before stalking off. “You really didn’t have to do that.”

“Yes I did.” S/O argued. “You refuse to stand up for yourself. So I have to do it for you.”

“By threatening a man with a taser?”

“When the situation allows.” Kazuki smirked at their reply as they put the taser away. “Let’s go. I think your luck has run dry.”

“Yeah sure.” He agreed. And for once, left before he was completely penniless this time.

Rei

Unlike Kazuki, Rei never sees the good in people.

He always assumes that people are selfish, horrible, mean bastards who are only out for themselves. His childhood taught him that.

Because of this he’s never surprised when people act bad or cruelly to him. He just takes it and keeps it in before letting it go. His childhood taught him that too.

“Excuse me.” Rei glanced to his left when he realized [Y/N] was standing there. Her face scrunch in a fussy brow as they confronted the laughing group of teens that just cut in front of him. “The line is back that way.”

“Oh come on.” One of the teens replied, shrugging them off. “It’s not a big deal. We’ll all get to the front of the line eventually. No reason to make a scene.”

“But….controller…..” Rei muttered under his breath. There were two things that would willingly get him out of the house for the day: work and the release of the new Morio Kart: Race Across the Universe game. To promote it, the store was also giving away a commemorative controller with each new game purchaser for the first 100 buyers. Rei had gotten up early and been standing in line all day for the sale to start. Only to have these kids jump the line and mess up his precise count.

“There won’t be a scene if you just go to the back of the line.” [Y/N] told them.

“Ugh. God. Chill out ok. I’m just getting this stupid new game for my brother. We were just late because we were studying for finals. Our education is important.” The one and only girl in the pack whined.

“And yet you haven’t learned anything.”

The girl, with way too much makeup on in Rei’s opinion, frowned; making the creases in her makeup worse. “Listen, lady. I need to get this game for my kid brother or my parents will be pissed. Besides, aren’t you a little old to be interested in games like this?”

“Are you a little old to not know how lines work? Or color matching for that matter?”

The girl looked ready to boil, but then stormed off in a huff instead. The boys, who apparently were as dumb as they looked, didn’t know what to do so they just took off after her. Getting out of the line and letting Rei resume his properly counted place. “Thank you.”

“For what? I just can’t stand rude people.” Still, Rei smiled just a little at her and the line continued.

They each bought a copy of the game. Rei promised to pay her back, but he really wanted two controllers for him and Miri. Of course, [Y/N] couldn’t say no. “Next time someone cuts in front of you in line, why don’t you hip check them into the bushes.”

“My hips aren’t big enough for that.”

Kyutarou

Owning a bar was a lot of work. People often stayed away, since it was more off the beaten path, but every now and then he’d get a crowd looking for that and be packed. Kyutaro tried his best to maintain, as the only bartender, and was very grateful he had a supportive significant other willing to pitch in and play waitress when need be.

“Hey! Barkeep! More beer!”

Kyutaro sighed as he settled up the tab of one of the customers, before going over to the drunk patron at the end of the bar. “I think you’ve had enough sir. Why don’t I get you a complimentary coffee while I settle your bill.”

“Coffee?? Who the hell wants coffee? I drink enough of that crap at work.” The drunk pounded down what was left in his glass and slammed it down on the bar. “If off the clock. I want beer!”

“I’m not giving you anymore.”

The bar fly glared at him (or as much as they could with how drunk they were). “Listen four-eyes!” Kyutaro was taken aback. Not only was it rude, but no one had called him ‘four eyes’ since grade 3. “I said I want more beer and you’re gonna give it to me! I got money. You got beer. What’s the problem?!”

“Besides you’re completely sauced?”

The men look up at [Y/N]. Tray of empty glassware in one hand and the other on her hip. “Come on man. Time to call it a night before this gets any uglier. You’re not gonna talk to the owner like that.”

“Oh yeah?!” The man tried to get up off his bar stool. He did, but with legs about as shaky as a new born deer. “I’ll…talk to whoever I want however I want. You’re not gonna stop me!”

[Y/N] huffed and sat their tray down. “Look,” she told him, “either you can leave on your feet or leave on your ass. Pay your bill like a man and go. Otherwise, I’m gonna throw you out of here like a cartoon character. Ever literally been thrown out of a bar? There’s no coming back from that.”

Despite his brain being pickled, the man seemed to realize that this wasn’t a good idea and surrendered. Although loudly as he continued to grumble as he pulled out some cash, threw it on the bar, and wobbled his way out. “Think he’ll be ok?”

“Who cares?” [Y/N] replied as they counted out the bills. “After that four-eyes crack he can getbuddy his by a cab for all I know.”

“That’s rather cruel.” Despite this, Kyutaro still chuckled at the remark.

“So,” [Y/N] said as they looked up at him through their lashes. “I like your glasses. He shouldn’t have made fun of them.”

Kyutaro smirked and started cleaning the glasses she’d just brought over. “Well, thank you. And thank you for your help.”

[mai-komagata]

rest of rings of power

here is what i think will happen in the rest of rings of power, season by season. (if they get renewed for 5 seasons). I'm deciding the show will end with Sauron being defeated by Isildur, and him refusing to destroy the ring. I think there might be an epilogue with him losing the ring/gollum finding it as a denoument/tying the hobbit plot to the main plot, but that would be the absolute latest the story would end. I will also buck the trend and think the destruction of Numenor won't happen in season 3, just so they can keep the characters/numenor around for as long as possible, so i think this will be in season 4. So brief outline:

Season 3: I think the main thing that needs to happen this season is Sauron needs to make the one ring. I don't think this will be the first thing that will happen. I think this might happen towards the latter half of the season, and all the fallout from that will wrap up the season. I think Durin becoming king, and how he deals with the dwarven rings will become a big plot point in this season. I hope he can reconnect with elrond as a result. Maybe we'll see dragons (but that might be a plot in later seasons, since there is not much else for the dwarves to do later). Sauron also needs to start doling out the rings for men. I think him meeting Kemen will happen and be a major relationship he will have this season. Maybe meet Theo too. I don't think Sauron will sail to Numenor, but maybe some of his rings will be shipped there. I think Gandalf will finally meet up with the elves and the main plot. What im curious is if they ever bring in Saruman. But i think Gandalf and the Elves meeting might be what these characters do. Maybe we get more elven lore like building Imladris and Lorien, or we meet up with the Silvan elves in Greenwood. Honestly dunno what the hobbits will do. I'm hoping they reconnect with their family and settle in the banks of the anduin. After the one ring gets made i expect some sort of telepathic confrontation with the elves, specifically Galadriel. And the numenoreans might notice something is up and come capture sauron. Season 4: Main plot will be Sauron in Numenor. I expect most of the plot will follow the Akallabeth. I expect Elendil and Isildur to come back to middle earth, and like, establish some sort of kingdom or settlement. Maybe they meet up with Gil Galad and the Elves. Maybe the Dwarves get attacked by Dragons at this point, maybe some of the rings get destroyed. The Elves will freak out a bit b/c they can no longer use the 3 rings. Galadriel's wounds might reappear -- maybe Gandalf will help her or something. This seems really light on things that happen, but i expect it will be a very numenor heavy season, since we won't see a lot of those actors after this, they will maximize their airtime. Season 5: Sauron comes back to middle earth, much worse for wear. I will assume they will give him a new form, even if it is not completely book accurate, I don't think he'll be a masked form all season. They might give him the adar treatment of "still hot, just scarred". I will expect him to start building some sort of deception/relationship with Elendil and Isildur. Especially after he lost Tar Miriel, maybe that is an avenue for reaching out to him. I feel given the tenor of the show, they will show them having some connection to sauron for the final confrontation to have emotional heft. Elves can use the rings again! but they can sense sauron isn't really gone, they just don't know what is up. If Cirdan hasn't given up his ring to Gandalf I expect they'll introduce this at some point. Ringwraiths come out in full force. Hobbits are doing some thing, maybe they introduce Smeagol to them somehow. Or maybe Nori will be his "grandmother" but he is born later or something. Things build up so the final battle will occur towards the end of the season. Everyone who is a main character still alive will be here somehow. lots of people die, it will be very sad.

Battle happens as expected, with Sauron shenanigans as to why Isildur decides not to destroy the ring. some denoument for everything else. Elrond finally gets his ring. Galadriel is in Lothlorien, at ease finally. One ring gets found by gollum. maybe sauron is a blob again. the end. -----

This is why the show hires actual professional writers, so things aren't as boring as what I'm describing, lol.

I expect the main relationships we'll see with Sauron are Kemen, Ar Pharazon and Isildur for each of the remaining seasons. Maybe Earien and Miriel in there, too. Honestly the main unknown i have is what they will do with the hobbits from here on out. Maybe they'll establish the beginnings of the shire, too. What plots/characters do people think I missed? Do people think some events will happen sooner or later?

[themculibrary]

Fics Written In 2023 Masterlist

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----

or a carolmaria royalty au

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OR

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[bluehourbucky]

Just The Right Size

pairing chubby!bucky x small!freader

summary: bucky has been avoiding you and you confront him about it

tw: talk about weight; mentions of food; insecurities; mentions of dieting; bad writing

a/n: had this idea for a while so i just wanted to write it. tried to keep the description of the reader very vague just that they're smaller than bucky! not sure if I like this but oh well cute chubby bucky is hard not to love. also sorry for bad description of spooning I hate spooning sorry😅

warning not proof read!

main masterlist

Bucky knows that you know that he's been avoing cuddles recently. Not only that but every time you tried to hug him he would somehow slip away.

First few times you let it slide since maybe he just wasn't in the mood and now it's been two weeks since he started doing that.

Bucky felt bad as he knew you loved when he held you and he did too but recently he's been feeling too big.

You were much smaller than him physically and at first Bucky found it adorable and he still does. However he has gained weight - happy weight as you liked to call it. He's been eating much of your delicious food, you're an amazing cook and it has been his weakness.

Bucky had been trying to lose weight when he met you, and then you just had to show up, and throw all his hard work of keeping up his diet of one week, down the drain.

He didn't mind that much, you were right he is happy, in fact he's happier than he's ever been. Although he couldn't help but feel insecure even though he knows that he weighted about the same as he met you so he really shouldn't feel like that.

You confronting him about it was inevitable so when you sent him a text we need to talk he really shouldn't have been surprised.

"Buck you look a bit pale, you okay?" Steve asked seeing his expression.

"Yeah yeah everything is fine." Steve shrugged and let it go.

Bucky didn't want to talk about it with Steve because he was embarrassed.

He was sweating by the time he was supposed to meet up with you, he was sure you would laugh at his face and then break up with him.

You looked so cute waiting for him by the bench you two usually sit on when you go to the park near your place, you were pacing around looking at your phone and then around to see if he's close. You didn't see him because well you refused to get glasses and your excuse was that you see well enough not to run into polls, he couldn't argue with that.

"Hi." Bucky awkwardly greeted you - not sure if he should go for a hug so he just waved.

"Hey. You don't have to be so awkward I'm not braking up with you I just wanted to ask you why you're avoiding any form of physical contact with me. Relax please." he let out a sigh of relief and smiled after you let out a giggle seeing him relax.

"Can we talk at my place though I am freezing" Bucky nodded and followed you like a lost puppy which you found incredibly cute.

☆

When you arrived it took a bit of time to warm up but you didn't waste much time.

"So Barnes what's the deal?" you might be small but that doesn't make you less scary,you had your arms crossed and raised an eyebrow, it was kinda hot if he was being honest.

"You used to be so cuddly, and now you're just not? I mean I understand if I was being too clingy you could have told me but avoiding me? Really the best you could think of?" Bucky just now realised that his actions hurt you and that it could have been avoided if he just talked to you.

"I'm sorry doll. To be honest I have been struggling with my size and I was afraid that, well I would somehow hurt you. Especially when we sleep together I'm afraid I'll squish you." he scratched his head and avoided looking at you after his confession.

"Oh Bucky you could never hurt me you're the most gentle person I've ever met! You're like my personal teddy bear,you're soft and warm all the time it doesn't get better than that!And my favorite part is I can just lay on your tummy anywhere anytime and it's way more comfortable then any pillow! I had no idea you felt like that."

Buckys heart melted at the compliment, he was always convinced everyone preferred guys with abs and not soft pudgy stomachs, hearing you say that made him happy.

"I guess I just got in my head and instead saying that to you I kept it to myself and made myself feel worse. I'm sorry about that, promise next time I feel like this I will tell you."

"Does that mean I'm okay to hug you now?" you asked cutely grabbing his hand playing with his fingers. He obviously couldn't say no so he gave you the biggest bear hug, he lifted you up from the ground and you put your legs and arms around him, clinging onto him like a koala.

"I missed hugging you doll." you nodded into his shoulder just enjoying the first hug after two weeks.

"Move us to the bed want cuddles." he didn't need to be told twice so he carried you to bed and layer you down.

While he held you a thought crossed his mind, one that has been there for a while but was afraid to come out, but now he thought it was the right time.

"I've been thinking.." at this you turned around in his arms to look up at him, as you've been spooning so your back were pressed against his chest.

"Would you be okay with switching sometimes I'd like to be the little spoon, I know I'm not the right size for that but we could try?"

"BUCKY OF COURSE WE CAN! Why didn't you say this before I always thought you were just more comfortable with being the big spoon! Anyways let's switch." Bucky found your eagerness to hold him adorable.

You did struggle a bit to get your leg over him but putting and arm wasn't a problem at all. Your arm found its way around his waist and rested against his soft tummy, your head against his back.

"You comfortable, doll?" all he heard was a muffled yes.

"You?"

"Of course, feels different but nice." which was true Bucky did feel a bit weird about it as no one usually held him but he liked it.

"See you're just the right size!"

If anyone asked you hadn't accidentally fallen asleep and woke up at 3am and then went to McDonald's to hang out till morning.

[buttercupbuck]

Eddie coming out arc in 5B 👀👀👀 maybe not a straight up coming out but may haps we’re getting closer to that? They have to touch on his break up with Ana and then what he thinks he needs to do for Chris, which can be tied to him repressing his sexuality? What do you think his arc is going to look like or deal with?

i’d be surprised if his breakup with ana didn’t come up at all, because it’s truly tied up in so much of what he’ll be forced to confront in the back half of the season. he got shot and reached out for buck as he bled out in the middle of the street and from then on he commits to a relationship that becomes both a coping mechanism and a form of self-harm for him

and then he broke up with her and it’s a selfish decision to him (because his kid loves her, because he can’t fail his son again), and now after 5.10 he is once again confronted with this idea that he has caused pain for christopher through a decision that was based in his happiness. his guilt is this well-worn blanket he refuses to shed and there’s no way he won’t be thinking about all the ways he feels he’s failed christopher in the wake of all of this 

it’d also be difficult for them to address his inability to cope as of late without mentioning the panic attacks, which started and were so heavily based in his relationship with ana? and clearly it wasn’t the only thing contributing to them esp since we’ve seen them outside of that context as well, but it’s not insignificant that it was ultimately the thing to break the control he had over his fear. like. without getting into a full length essay about the shooting and buck and ana of it all, his queerness and his fear and his repression are truly so interconnected that it’d be impossible to address one aspect without the rest

so yeah! i really have no specifics for how i want this story to unfold, but i just want eddie to allow himself to sit with the fear he’s repressed for so long and make something meaningful of it. for him to realize that tomorrow isn’t promised to anyone and it’s terrifying but there’s still something in that too. that it means he owes it to himself and to the people he loves and who love him to live a life that is honest and free, and that he’s allowed to want those things for himself

like ultimately as much as his queerness and his guilt/fear/repression are interconnected, so will be his liberation and his healing, and i’m so excited to see it :’)

[obsessive-ego]

Jack it to a jacket nsft

Masterbation, voyeurism, you know how I am

Musical beetlejuice x fem reader (reader has a vagina but uses they them pronouns)

Beetlejuice forgets his jacket and you use it while he's gone

Beetlejuice had announced to you he had to spend a few days in the netherworld for bio exorcist meeting or something, you really didnt get it, it's not like he actually had a job, all you knew is that he's been complaining about it since day one. That he had to leave the world of the living for a bit.

The day finally came for him to head out for his little business trip, you could tell the ghoul was less then thrilled to go, slight purple streaks graced his hair, you knew he wasnt too keen on being in the netherworld, the demon had such a fascination with the living, an adoration for living with you, going back to the netherworld, even for a few days was like heading back to work after a long period off, soul sucking.

"Alright Sugar" he starts adjusting his tie, his jacket resting on the arm of the couch "I'll be gone for a few days, try not to miss me too much~"

You give the ghoul a soft smile "itll be quieter for sure"  you try to joke

"Yeah..." he trails off, his playful teasing voice dropping along with his grin.

"I know this is gonna suck, but the sooner you get it started the sooner it's over with" you try to cheer him up giving the demon a light punch in the arm.

Beetlejuice's hue was now completely purple, you frown at the sight.

"You know doll, I'm being awfully selfish here, but, how bout ya give me a little sugar before I go?~"

You flinch at the suggestion, you wouldnt say you were shocked at this request, but you were.

"You're stalling"

"Come on babes, humor me, I gotta fill out paper work and deal with my mother, could REALLY use a pick me up~" he nudges you gently and gives a wink, hoping it'll soften you up, it does.

"Fine" you huff out, you grab the demon by the suspenders, yanking him to you level giving him a quick peck.

"No tongue on the first date?~" he snickers, as pink patches pop up in his mossy beard.

"...have a good trip" you utter trying to hide your embarrassment

"Oh doll I will, thinking about your soft lips~" the demon's voice drops to that low growl that never failed to make you warm in your lower areas

"Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Bee-"

You could NEVER make it to 3, the ghoul was always quick to slap a hand to your mouth, pulling you into a side hug.

"Trying to kick me out so soon sugar? So mean~" he chuckles, the ghoul pulls his hand from your mouth and you sigh.

Beetlejuice pauses holding you in this awkward side hug for a few minutes

"Bee?"

"I know" he grumbles, he begrudgingly pulls away

The ghoul makes his way to the empty wall and draws his entrance.

Knock

Knock

Knock

Your living room wall opens up to the netherworld, it was always a rare sight to you, a little anxiety inducing, you freeze for a moment, but as the demon steps into the world of the dead you shout

"Wait!"

Beetlejuice turns to you

"You forgot something"

The demon's eyes light up and in a flash he was infront of you, his hands cup your face as he slams his lips into yours, you jolt in surprise, as the ghoul pulls away he purrs "almost forgot my second goodbye kiss, thanks doll" and just like that he was gone, the netherworld was out of sight and you were alone.

"Your jacket" you whisper still alittle dizzy from his kiss.

...

The jacket he left behind spent a few hours folded neatly on the couch as you go about your alone time. Everytime beetlejuice was away you always took the opportunity to get some chores done, you liked the demon yeah, but he always got under foot, or he would be creepy while you tried to get things done. There were times where you were just doing the laundry, and the demon would just stare at you, no words, he just sat atop the dryer watching you like a hawk as you loaded the washer, it made your skin crawl and your stomach turn to have that much attention put on you, hell, you'd rather him be lewd and annoying then that.

As creepy as he was, that was just who he was, and you loved him, his awful charms, his terrible jokes, and his over all handsome, to you, look, wormed it's way into your heart and refused to let go.

Every kiss, every grope, every pet name he gave you dug you deeper into your affection. Though you were too terrified to confront him about your feelings, he was a literal demon, could he even share these feelings, let alone would he like you the same way, all in all you didnt want to ruin what the two of you had, friends, good friends.

You missed him, you really did, so what was the harm in wearing his coat, just around the house, and maybe smelling it every now and again, that wasnt too weird right? And it would be fine if you were to fall asleep wearing it right? There was no harm in it, but if beetlejuice was to pop in unexpectedly and if he say you wearing it casually youd never hear the end of it, and yet you never took it off.

It's been a few days since beetlejuice left for the netherworld, you were relaxing on your bed looking at memes trying to ignore how much you missed a certain undead bastard, hell you were wearing the jacket he left behind and stealing a small sniff here and there, beetlejuice never really gives you a time frame as to when he'd be back whenever he goes to the netherworld.

'Time moves differently when you're dead, and boy does it move, but it slows down when I'm with you babes' you shiver and try to swallow the lump in your throat that memory caused, the undead bastard was such a flirt.

You grew a tad lonely without your favorite dead guy, yes you used to live alone before beetlejuice barged his way into your home, but you have gotten used to him, you miss him when he's not with you, especially his no concept of personal space, how the ghoul's hands always found a home on your body, your hips, your waist, your shoulders.

You feel a familiar pulse between your legs, you try and ignore it, though your mind was reeling with old memories of beej touching you, you werent even scrolling through your phone anymore, just staring at the screen, thinking of the demon's strong callused hands running up and down your thighs.

"You win" you grumble sliding off your bed and crouching next to it, you pull out a little tool box. Opening the little box and revealing an average sized bright green vibrator brandishing a nice bulbous tip. You push the button on the toy's base and it buzzes to life, you smile, glad to see the barriers were still alive, it was too late for you to run out and get replacements.

You shimmy out of your pajama pants and panties before you hop back up on the bed. You remove the jacket giving it a deep inhale of its scent before placing it down next to you.

...

Your living room walls silently open up, letting in a thick fog of green reavling your demon friend, the ghoul knew it was late, late enough that his sweet little y/n should be dead asleep, as your living room rearranges itself back to normal the ghoul floats to your bedroom, excited to come snuggle up to your soft warm body after what felt like an eternity with dealing with his mother and newly deads with no sense of humor.

"Ah!"

The ghoul freezes at the sound, standing in front of your closed bedroom door, you could be? He presses an ear to the door, the faint sound of buzzing and muffled moans could be herd.

In a flash Beetlejuice's hair and moss on his face turns electric pink.

"A welcome home present? For me? Oh dolly~" he whispers before snapping his fingers and camouflaging himself. Beetlejuice fazed through the door and froze at the sight of you, yes he has seen you touch yourself before, but this?

There you were Laying on your bed, propped up by pillows, shirt pulled up exposing your breasts, bottom half completely bare, pumping the vibrator he got you (as an apology for messing with your old one) in and out of your leaking pussy, with your face buried in his jacket, muffling your whining.

The ghoul could have blown his load from the sight alone, yes he knew you liked him, and yes he knows you want him, but this? This was dirty, this was naughty, smelling his clothes and jerking off? You were just as horny as him, not really, no one is, but he'll take this.

"And here I thought only I had a scent fetish" he chuckles making his way to the end of the bed, plopping down to get a good view of your soaked vigina, he was fixated on the speed you pumped the toy in and out of you. Beetlejuice fumbled with his fly, pulling out his semi, the ghoul licks the palm of his hand, coding it is a nice layer of saliva before wrapping it around his cock. Beetlejuice starts off slowly, but it isnt long until his pace matches yours, imagining the toy between your legs was him, god slash satan he envied that peice of silicon.

"Beetlejuice" you whine bucking your hips up to meet the vibrator as it slid back in, you take another deep inhale of the jacket's scent and whine, beetlejuice groans in response.

"Such a dirty little thing, fuck- I expected to come home and see ya sleeping it in, ah- but this? Oh babes, I would have left it behind months ago to, oh god- to see you like this" the ghoul babbled, he really didnt want to finish before you, he wanted to enjoy this show for as long as possible.

You were absolutely lost in your little activity, using you non dominant hand to hold the demon's jacket to your nose, the scent drove you wild, you could imagine beetlejuice driving his cock into you over and over again, the idea of him fully dressed fucking you while you were completely naked made you tremble.

“Oh my god Bee, fuck, yes, please, fucking oh my god I want you to…Beetlejuice fuck…” you babble as you begin to pick up pace with the vibrator.

The ghoul drools at the show you oh so kindly are giving him, hearing you moan out his name, oh how he loved that sound, it wasnt the first time beetlejuice herd you moan out his name during your 'alone time' but it still made his toes curl as though it was.

Beetlejuice growls through his teeth, he was almost there, seeing you use his jacket in such a way was better than he ever could’ve imagined, yes he dreamed of you using his things for sexual satisfaction, he just thought he'd never see it.

Beetlejuice found that trying to keep the pace with you was growing too hard, he needed to finish, he needed you to finish. He didn’t want to cum before you, he needed to see you cum while using his jacket, he needed the image of you using his things to cum to be carved into his brain.

Thankfully, Beej is good at edging, this wasnt his first day being a peeping Tom, and it wont be the last, it wasnt easy, but he could do it, watching you whine and buck your hips because of him, sure made it a challenge though.

You were almost there, you stop pumping the toy, only for a second, to crank the vibrations to the higher setting, your hips jolt up as you press the jacket against your face muffling your screams, with the intensity up you were ready for the home stretch, you begin to move the toy again, in and out, imagining it was the ghoul you oh so loved. You could just imagine beetlejuice pressing you into the mattress with every thrust, all the dirty things he'd be saying to you, praising you for how well you take his fat cock, growling, biting, you couldn't take it anymore, you felt like you were gonna explode. God you wanted that smug bastard so badly, you loved him so much, you moved the hand holding the jacket against you face and brought it to your vagina, as one hand pumped the vibrator the other played with your clit. You groan through your teeth at the added simulation, if only you could see the demon infront of you.

Beetlejuice sat before you, jaw dropped, tongue hanging, drool dripping down his chin, panting. His cock was throbbing, leaking pre cum, he was ready to burst, honestly he surprised he hasn't yet, watching his y/n go to town on their pussy. Beetlejuice watched ad you hips bounced, and your toes curled, he could finally get a good look at your face, you were tearing up.

"Feels good doesnt babes? Wait till you get the real deal~"

"LAWRENCE!"  You shout as your hips buck upwards, just then, something new happened, you squirted, thought you didnt notice, you were too busy, head lulled back, panting, and using the soft buzzing of the vibrator to ride out your orgasm.

But beetlejuice on the other hand saw, he saw you squirt when you called him, when you called him by his first name, a name you rarely used. The demon blew his load shortly after your little finale, an image that will always be treasured by him. Beetlejuice wipes the cum off his hand on his pant leg, and slides his now soft cock back into his pants. He watches you lay there for a moment before you gingerly sit up, reaching forward to turn off the vibrator and remove it from you, you flinch doing so, still tender. You give out a yawn and toss the toy on the floor mumble how you'll deal with it in the morning, adjusting your shirt to cover hour chest you slide under the covers, in minutes you were asleep, holding his jacket oh so tightly.

Beetlejuice envied the garment, and as much as the ghoul wanted to slide in next you now, he couldnt, you were naked from the waist down. But you did leave him a tasty snack, so he couldnt be mad at you. Beetlejuice snatches up the freshly used vibrator, still warm from your touch, and vanishes

"Good night y/n" his voice purrs in your ears,

"...Lawrence..."

[matan4il]

Happy Belated Birthday ❤️❤️❤️

Curious on your thoughts because something had been begging me. I think we all know the Anna break up was hinted at the end of 4 before the shooting with Carla clearly picking up the vibe. And I feel like it can't be understated how important Carla is to the story of Buddie.

Then we go into the beginning of 5 and are originally told no the panic attack is Anna. Not the shooting . Then the storyline veers back a bit to the shooting and or the trauma from his parents, to the military to the shooting.

So I'm still thinking Eddie's therapy trauma storyline are like to parallel stories if you will. Because we never quite got the answer to the Carla and Anna of it all. I just feel very strongly we will open 6 with dealing with Eddie still in therapy and tackling how he identifies, his love for Buck.

Awwww, hi Nonnie! Thank you so much for the well wishes, you're absolutely wonderful and it's just so amazing what you can do, getting such a beautiful message of this added personal caring makes me feel seen and appreciated, so I hope you know, you're seen and appreciated as well, lovely! xoxox

Carla was brought into Eddie and Christopher's life by Buck, as the very first time when he refused to stay outside the glass doors, and chose to step into Eddie's mess with him. She's literally one of the first acts of service between Buddie. So YES, there is no understating her importance in their story.

Without a doubt, the shooting and Eddie following his own heart, as well as confronting the toxic masculinity he's been fed by Ramon, they're all interlinked, all of them can only be resolved when Eddie will learn to do what's right for him, and not only for others.

He took the first step with Ana when he realized he can't be in a romantic relationship just to do what he thought was right for Chris. At the time it felt like he was finally choosing himself, however in retrospect, while it was a step in the right direction, Eddie still wasn't quite there yet. He broke up with her due to Buck, because through his r/s with Abby, Eddie was reminded of how painful it is to be the unloved partner in a r/s (and thanks to 318 we all know how much Eddie resented how Abby led Buck on), and so Eddie chose not to be that person in Ana's life, to at least cut her loose clearly and fairly if he can't love her. He stopped choosing Chris over everything and everyone else, including himself, but it can be said he chose to do the right thing in a sense for Ana's (and to a degree for Buck's) sake. He still wasn't quite choosing himself yet.

And then in 517 when Ramon said, "For Christopher," Eddie could finally say out loud that no, he was going to do something for him. He could finally say it and not hate himself for it. He's been getting therapy so he can get better, because after his breakdown in 513, he was in such a low place, he realized how much he needs it for himself to be able to function and not fall apart, and Buck in 514 reminded Eddie of the good he's responsible for, making him feel worthy and giving him the fuel to have faith in his worthiness and keep at it with Frank even when therapy feels like one step forward, two steps back.

And in 518, thanks to this work Eddie's been doing, he got to finally do something for himself. He already realized in 511 that he made a mistake, and he never should have quit the 118. He wanted back now, and all of that hard work paid off, he got to return for himself, because he can be fully sure that there is nowhere else he'd rather be, and it's okay to want and get to be there.

But that still leaves the story of Eddie choosing someone for himself romantically unresolved. Will the show jump straight into it as soon as we return with s6? IDK. But without a doubt, it will pick up this thread again, I'm sure we will see progress with this storyline in the next season, and I can't wait to watch that unfold together with you!

Thank you so much for your ask, on both the meta and the personal level, and I hope you're having a fantastic day! xoxox

If you're looking for my other replies, here is my ask tag! xoxox

[sweet-sammy-kisses]

Make my Heart a Better Place

Written for @badthingshappenbingo​ prompt victim blaming Fandom: 9-1-1 Pairing: Eddie x Buck Rating: M Warnings: past rape, deal with the therapist, anti Ana, tackling the belief that men can’t be victims and protective Eddie and Fire Fam Word Count: 2,964 Summary: Eddie learns about the therapist and what she did to Buck as Buck finally opens up about what has happened to him. Eddie realizes who his heart longs for as he helps Buck confront and deal with his past. You can read it on AO3

It was the kind of story that would never be first picked. It would be shuffled around until it was placed at the bottom left to be forgotten. After all, men can't be raped. Men can't be victims of abuse. Men are supposed to be stronger than a woman. So there was no way a woman could rape or abuse a man.

Taylor Kelly knew different.

Taylor had seen firsthand how horrible women can treat men. How they can use "they'll never believe you" and "what kind of man can't protect himself or his kids from his wife?" Toxic way of thinking. Women were barely believed when they came forward men were even less so.

But Taylor refused to let this story fall through the cracks. A woman, a woman therapist had used her position of power to sexually assault her male clients, men in valuable places, who were seeking help instead had new trauma to deal with. No Taylor would do everything in her power to expose this woman and see that those she hurt stories got told and hopefully gave them some closure.

+******+

"Men can't be raped."

Buck froze at Ana's comment and he wasn't the only one so did Taylor who had been talking about the story she was working on, a story she was very passionate about. The only reason Taylor was there was because Buck couldn't stand being the third wheel on the outing with Eddie and Ana. It originally was just supposed to be him and Eddie but then Ana invited herself along and Taylor being the good friend she is agreed to come as well.

Buck couldn't look at Eddie he was afraid of what he might see. He knew that Eddie didn't agree with Ana, they had seen too much in their line of work to know that stigma wasn't true but Eddie was a different man when around Ana, he went out his way to agree with her, to make her happy. Buck didn't know if it would be Eddie answering or Ana Edmundo.

"Edmundo?" Ana's voice broke through the haze that Eddie had found himself in since Ana uttered those words. "Don't you agree with me?" She continued looking at him expectedly to agree with her.

Eddie knew he didn't, he didn't agree with her and he was coming to see that there were a lot of things that he didn't agree with her. He certainly didn't agree with her comments about Christopher needing limits and her slight hints that he needed to start setting limits for his son. He was tired of being her Edmundo. "Ana I do believe that men can be victims of rape and abuse from women. But because of the stigma around such crimes, how people look at men and see that they can't be abused or rape it is harder for them to come forward for they know that there is a smaller chance of them being not only believed but mocked and made fun of for allowing themselves to be victims in the first place."

Buck felt the heaviness in his chest unravel as his Eddie spoke up, disagreeing with Ana's belief.

"Very well said, Eddie. I'm impressed." Taylor teased trying to ease the tension in the room even though she wanted nothing more than to rip into Ana for her misogyny beliefs.

A scoff escaped Ana, she couldn't believe that Edmundo would think that way. Men couldn't be victims it just didn't happen.

"You have a very narrow-minded way of thinking." Buck's voice was soft as he began to speak.

"Excuse me?" Ana's eyes narrowed as she took in Buck's form, she hadn't gotten off to a very good start with the other man. She disliked how deeply woven he was in Edmundo and Christopher's lives, he was in her place and she needed to claim her spot. To make Buck see that she was the one meant to be in the co-parent spot with Edmundo after all she would someday be Christopher's stepmother and it was time Buck stepped back and allowed her to take her rightful spot in the Diaz's lives. It was when Edmundo told her that it was going to be just him and Buck tonight she had invited herself along, she wasn't blind she saw the way that her boyfriend looked at his best friend and he never looked at her that way. She wasn't about to let a prize like Edmundo Diaz slip through her fingers.

Buck looked a little uncomfortable at Ana's glare and he was starting to regret ever speaking up when he felt Eddie's hand settle on his thigh, squeezing it in support and lingering there. Looking up he saw Taylor flashing him a supportive smile.

Taking a deep breath Buck began again, "Eddie is right. Men can be victims. A woman in power can and have taken advantage of men in vulnerable positions. They can feel helpless after it has happened and it can haunt them long after the event. And your way of thinking is why men won't come forward because they are a man and they can't be raped. Women aren't innocent they can use their positions to get what they want. A woman boss could take advantage of her male employee make it clear to him that he has much more to lose than she does if he doesn't agree to her demands. A therapist could seduce one or more of her male patients into having sex with her, she could have sought them out and studied their online profiles and knew things about them before their first appointment and when they were at a vulnerable point in their life when they had come to them for help instead of offering them anything that they might need they decide to have sex with them instead. To force them to have sex with them, they might have not said no but they certainly didn't say yes. Then they feel guilty and so dirty afterwards that they don't tell anyone because they don't think anyone even those closest to them will believe them. They hide what they went through and the shame haunts them, lingering in their nightmares."

Something about the way Buck spoke and since he knew Buck so well and could read him Eddie knew at that moment his Buck had gone through something like this. He wasn't just speaking what he believed he was speaking from experience and it felt like a dagger had pierced through his heart that someone, anyone, could dare to hurt Buck like that. Buck who is pure sunshine was the last person who should have been put through that.

Taylor felt a wave of rage and sadness washing over her as she realized that Buck, Buck who had been the first person to give her a second chance was a victim. 'No, he is a survivor.' Had been hurt like that. She could see that Eddie had come to the same realization as she had and she almost snorted Eddie was already protective over Buck he was about to reach a whole new level. And whatever relationship Ana had hoped to have with Eddie was now nothing more than a pipe dream.

'This also just might be the push these two stubborn idiots need to finally see what is before them. I wonder if there is still time for me to get in on the bet?' Taylor wondered she also couldn't help but wonder how long it would take for the rest of the 118 to catch onto what had happened to Buck and part of Taylor hoped she was there for when Athena Grant - adopted mom to Buck - got her hands on the woman who had raped Buck.

Ana didn't look impressed or moved by Buck's passionate speech, "If a man can't fight off a woman or protect himself then he has no one to blame but himself." There was a challenge in her eyes as she looked at Buck, "Those kinds of men are weak and no doubt exhausting to be around."

"Your exhausting."

Eddie's words shouted at him in rage and hurt still carried the sting they did that faithful day and the room seemed to cave in around Buck. "I'm sorry, I need to go." Shoving back his chair Buck was on his feet and moving towards the door before Eddie and Taylor could even realize what was happening.

Smiling smugly to herself Ana took another sip of her drink as Eddie and Taylor returned to the table. She would make sure that Eddie saw that Buck was a bad influence in Christopher's life and it was best they cut him out of both their lives. 'After all, they have me now, why would they need Buck?'

+******+

"No. I don't want this." Phantom touches that Buck didn't want to follow him. He tried to run away from them but they wouldn't let him go. Lips on his skin burned like acid. Hands and fingers run across his skin left a trail of disgust. Buck wanted nothing more than to shove her off but he couldn't. He had never felt so helpless, so powerless. Not even when he had been pinned under the fire truck.

"No!" A scream tore itself free from Buck as he shot up in bed, his heart pounding loudly in his chest. He struggled to catch his breath as clawed at his skin, trying desperately to remove the feel of her off of him.

A chocked sob escaped Buck. He hated this, he hated this so much between the nightmares of being pinned under the truck, the tsunami and now he was tormented with images of that woman touching him. He couldn't understand it, he had wanted it. Hadn't he?

+*****+

Something was off with Buck. The man looked haunted and Eddie knew that he had been tormented by nightmares and it tore at his heart he wanted nothing more than to gather the man up into his arms and let him know that it would be alright. He wanted to kiss him and hold him in his arms and promise him that he is safe and sound and no one will ever hurt him again.

But he couldn't because Buck wasn't his and he had a girlfriend whose opinions had been the cause of him reliving a horrible event in his life. 'I need to talk with Ana. She isn't the woman I thought she is and I don't want her around Chris or Buck.' Eddie knew that he was going to have to break up with her. He had done some serious thinking and he realized that the only reason he was even dating Ana was that she was the perfect woman to bring home to meet his parents but she was the wrong kind of woman to be in his life or even think about raising Christopher with. 'Not that would happen, we have Buck.'

"Why does Buck look like someone kicked a puppy in front of him? And whose ass do I have to kick for making him look that way?" Hen asked as she arrived, her arms crossed over her chest and a deadly look in her eyes.

A frustrated sigh escaped Eddie's lips as he ran his hands through his hair, "Ana joined Buck and mine boy's night and said some things that opened my eyes to see what kind of woman she is behind those pretty smiles. It affected Buck."

Hen's eyes narrowed, "Just what did she say?" Hen hadn't been impressed with Ana and not just because she was coming between her two stubborn boys. There were her comments about what Christopher should and shouldn't be allowed to do, how she refuses to respect Eddie and call him by the name he prefers and not Edmundo. There was also jealousy that appeared in her eyes when she saw the family that Eddie, Buck and Christopher made.

"She said that men can't be raped or abuse victims," Eddie admitted.

Hen knew that her jaw had dropped in shock, "That is complete bullshit." They had seen it in their jobs. "Please tell me she didn't victim blame?"

Eddie's sad eyes were all the answers she needed. "We should let Athena talk to her," Hen muttered if anyone had a chance to make Ana see sense that men can be victims it is Athena Grant.

"Ahh, that might not be the best idea." Eddie glanced around happy to see that Buck was still beside Bobby, their captain had taken one look at Buck and called him into the kitchen to help him make breakfast for the crew. Part of Eddie wanted to get Hen's advice, to tell her his fears about Buck but he didn't want to betray Buck's confidence like that and it wasn't like he had proof but he knew deep in his heart that Buck had been a victim of rape and it still haunted him to this day.

"Eddie, are you alright? I know you like Ana and this can't be easy for you." Hen placed a comforting hand on Eddie's arms.

A sad laugh escaped Eddie, "I'm not sure. Ana is complicated, she is what my parents would see as the perfect wife for me and mother for Christopher that is part of the reason that I am trying so hard to make it work with her. But she isn't perfect, it is her little comments about what Chris should and shouldn't be allowed to do and I see how her trying to set limits for him is hurting my son. Then there is her attitude towards Buck, she just doesn't seem to like him."

Hen could only stare at Eddie, "She doesn't like him? Buck? Our sweet puppy Buck?" That was something she couldn't grasp. That didn't sound well for Eddie and Ana's relationship working out not with how important Buck is to both the Diaz boys.

"And there is something else. The way Buck reacted to Ana's statement. She hurt him with her words, it was like she knew how to hurt him and made sure every word hit their mark." Eddie admitted.

Biting her lower lip Hen studied Buck who had Bobby smiling at him like he normally does when the younger man has done something he finds cute. "Yeah, okay introducing Ana to mam bear Athena is out." Hen knew that Eddie had figured something out about Buck but she wasn't going to push him for answers it was up to Buck and Buck alone to decide if he wants to open up to them about what is haunting him. "I can't tell you what to do Eddie about Ana all I can say is follow your heart."

"Carla said almost the same thing," Eddie mumbled out.

Hen grinned, "Well she and I are both wise women, you should listen to us more."

Eddie found himself returning the smile as his gaze was once again drawn to Buck when he let out a loud laugh and his heart felt lighter at the sound and the room seemed brighter at the sight of Buck's smile. "I really should."

+*****+

Buck could feel Eddie's eyes on him all day, which wasn't something new but he could tell that he had figured out why he had reacted that way the other night. Feeling himself nervous Buck approached his best friend, the man he is in love with, playing with the string on his bag. "Can I talk to you?"

Picking up his bag Eddie studied Buck, "Of course you can always talk to me. Chris is with Abuela tonight so despite not seeing your favourite Diaz we can talk at my place."

"I'd rather Christopher not be around for this conversation, it is not for the ears of children," Buck explained.

"You can talk to me about anything Buck, you know that," Eddie promised.

A soft smile appeared on Buck's face, "I know that. You always have my back Eds."

+******+

Arriving at Eddie's place it didn't take long for Eddie and Buck to make themselves comfortable on the couch, their legs pressed against one another and a bottle of beer in their hands. Once again Buck was amazed at how at home he felt in the Diaz's home, it was his safe place.

"Take all the time you need. I'm not going anywhere." Eddie promised Buck as he rested his free hand on Buck's knee and left it there.

Licking his dry lips it took several moments before Buck could find the strength to speak. "The first therapist I saw, the one that worked for the department I had sex with her. I didn't say no but I didn't say yes. And even though it was years ago I still have nightmares about her, about how dirty she made me feel. How no matter how many hot showers I took I could never get clean." Turning to Eddie Buck could feel his eyes filling with tears, "I didn't want to sleep with her Eddie. I didn't."

Strong arms wrapped around Buck pulling him back against Eddie's chest where he drank in the scent of sand wood and musk, the scent that is purely Eddie.

"That woman took advantage of you, Buck. You did nothing wrong, that woman was in a position of power and she should have never used it to do that to you." Eddie never hated anyone as much as he did the woman who did this to Buck. Tightening his grip on Buck he pressed a kiss on Buck's curls and kept whispering words of comfort as Buck clung to him and cried for what had been done to him, knowing that he was safe in Eddie's arms.

[halinski]

I haven't had therapy in way too long so here's me projecting onto a character

He has a special, close relationship to pain. He knows that, of course. Every therapist had told him that before, as soon as they either saw the scars or heard the stories. It was such a staple part of him at this point, he didn't know how to feel truly alive without it. But even through all the cuts and bruises and broken bones, he could always count on his body. No matter the anguish and despair that ambushed him, now matter the mountain he had to conquer to get to the other side - Buck knew if he just pushed hard enough, his body would get him through anything. If it was adrenaline or just state of mind, pure will, the pain would leave his radar and strength would surge through him.

That was why he was such a good firefighter. It was why his world crashed the moment his body threatened to give up on him, take away his one strength. If you took away his strength...

He hated the thought too much to follow it to it's end. Especially with the way his knees creaked on his way upstairs to his bed, lightning bursts splitting through his nerves to his core. It was the left one specifically that caused him to pause halfway up and breathe heavily, dropping to one of the steps with a grimace so stark it tore through his throat vocally.

Was it the mental stress? Or was he really overexhausting himself physically? Or- maybe the reckless abandon he had treated his body with in his prime youth had finally caught up to him? There were a million and one options, of which the one or the other was quite very likely.

Buck clenched his jaw unhappily. He refused to give in. He should be figuring it out, should be doing what he could to care for himself, to honor this vessel he lived in, be grateful for every day he pushed way past his limit, for every time he deliberately made choices that resulted in injuries, for every dangerous situation and risk he'd put himself in. And yet, all he knew how to do... Was keep pushing. Steeling himself, he pushed to his feet, and carried himself up the rest of the way to his bed.

He dropped onto the bed and melts into the mattress. It didn't even make sense. His knees hurt, his shouldrs and head neck and his hips. His hands even, somewhere in between the joints and lost within his tissue- even if he barely did anything to cause such soreness. Not like that. Not enough to warrant the bone deep burn. He felt swollen all over and stiff as a brick, with crumbled mortar grinding with every movement, every breath. It didn't matter if he was lying down, if his knee was bent or straight, relaxed or stretched- it hurt.

He tried to shift further up on the bed, find his way to the proper spot at the pillow, his limbs cracking like an angry campfire. Buck was pretty sure he could crack every single part of his body if he really tried. But there was no more energy left of him to confront this pain, to deal with it, soothe his body. He deserved this after all, considering the way he treated his body.

"I'm sorry," he wanted to say, treat himself with some kindness, a gentle touch, maybe like the ones Eddie graced him with, a reassuring grip at the base of his neck- steadying, warm, easing him into a settled state of existence. Maybe that was what he needed right now, someone to give him the love he had never been able to give himself because no one had really taught him how. (The only way he had managed to apologize to himself was by etching the words 'im sorry' into his thigh - those particular scars no one had ever seen and Buck wasn't planning on letting it ever happen).

But for now, all he could do was swallow down his own misery, settle into the discomfort, the familiarity of his pain, his steady companion, his twin - wasn't he born from pain? - and let exhaustion lull him to sleep, hoping that he would feel a little better in the morning, or if anything charge up on some resolve to push through again tomorrow.

[lollytea]

Fearless (part 2/3)

( PART ONE okokok some parts of this are pretty good. some not so good. but the important part is im tryin my goddamn best out here.)

[OCTOBER 22ND, 7:02PM] The sun had melted away beneath the distant hills and Louie had somewhat calmed himself down.

At least, he was no longer hyperventilating. The feathery tufts on his cheeks were not as fluffy as before, now clumped together from his waterworks earlier. 

He lit the last of his lights, drawing the match away and allowed the head of the flame to seize its last moments. It danced with delight, flickering as it devoured the thin strand of poplar wood.

Louie watched it too long, finding solace in the glow of gentle orange. Just as it was teasing to taste his fingertips, he snuffed it out, not nearly as interested in the arising string of pale smoke. Seven illuminated oil lamps circled his room, washing him in warm, yellow light. But still, It would breed an array of shadows, outlining everything with subtle pools of gloom. Shadows made Louie uneasy. They gave him the strangest feeling that he was being watched. Reminded him of people and powers that were best not to think about. But a shadowy room was preferable to pitch black. He was scared of the dark. Come to think of it, he was scared of a lot of things. Louie had a complicated relationship with fear. He was, by no means, the skittish kid from five years ago. He simply couldn't live with that mindset for long when thrust into the life of McDuck royalty and all the madness and danger attached. So, he adapted. His busiest days tended to fall in the order of breakfast, adventure, magic, certain doom, barely escaping with your life and then sleep. Rinse and repeat. Living like that didn't phase him much anymore. How could it when he was surrounded by the most courageous family put on this earth? And when you continue to survive when that was your Day-to-Day, it had a tendency to boost your confidence. He had gotten braver for sure. Much braver. And yet, he couldn't help but feel like he was lying to himself sometimes. Being afraid of the world around him had never quite faded, he just gotten much better at handling it. Recent years made things all the more messy. His brothers weren't as brave as they used to be these days. Not after what they went through. As a spot of hope, Huey was starting to rebuild a stronger, improved version of his old self. But Dewey still needed time. It made Louie wonder if his intrepid brothers could be broken like this, should he even bother trying to toughen up? He had never been like them. Not naturally, at least. He didn't stand a chance when his time came. He figured that with all he's experienced, he should've at least developed past his more irrational fears. But he didn't.  Deep down, silly stuff still unsettled him. Spiders, violence, surprises. The dark. Ty knew he was afraid of the dark. Ty knew most of the stuff he was afraid of. And despite teasing Louie for pretty much everything else, never his fears. He claimed his brother was the same so he didn't find it all that weird. Louie called bullshit on that one. From what little he knew about Ben, it was impossible to picture that guy being scared of the dark. Ty was most likely trying to ease his insecurity. It didn't work. He felt uncomfortable sometimes, being somebody scared of so much, being close with somebody like Ty. Fearless. It sorta made him wonder if he was inferior. As if standing alongside Ty just wasn't right. The balance didn't seem equal. Wow. Louie was never gonna be good enough, was he?   Wait, no, stop it. Fucking stop it. He had no right to be feeling all sorry for himself for the probability that he wasn't good enough for Ty. On the grounds that he wasn't brave enough? No. Of course Louie wasn't good enough for Ty. That was an irrefutable fact. But what mattered right now was that his carelessness had almost gotten Ty killed today and he couldn't, in good conscience, be focusing on anything else. He almost got Ty killed. He almost got Ty killed. He almost got Ty killed. That was a little more important than "Boohoo, cute bear boy is never gonna kiss me. I'm sad." To make matters worse, Louie had gone and chosen the perfect time to figure out he was in love with Ty. Sure, It had left him happily dopey at the time. But now, after everything that happened, it was like his imaginary little love letter left a paper cut on his heart and splashed it with lemon juice. Ty was going to resign as his retainer. The more Louie said this to himself, the easier it would be to accept it when he received the news. It was truly possible Ty was currently out of his life for good. As much as Louie was trying to talk himself into hunting the boy down right this minute and begging for forgiveness, there was a part of him speculating that Ty would prefer not to see his stupid royal face ever again. It hurt. It really did hurt. But if that's what Ty wanted, Louie would silently abide by the request. He hated to admit it but the spineless side of him didn't want to face Ty either. The last look at him had been his still body laying on an iron bedstead in the castle infirmary. Beakley had assured the stricken Louie that Ty was not dead but refused to divulge the details as she ushered him out and exiled him to his room for the rest of the night. He needed to see Ty conscious. He needed to see him alive. It would be one weight off his chest just to know his retainer had bounced back. But also.....he didn't want to know the damage he'd done. He want to know how badly Ty had been wounded nor how close he had brushed by death. It had been Louie's fault. And he knew that. But the thought of confronting it head-on was a difficult reality to swallow. Even though he should. He should. Completely unrelated but another dumb, embarrassing thing that made him jump out of his skin? Sudden noises. Still completely unrelated but there was a knock at his door.

___________

[OCTOBER 22ND, 11:24AM]

The sky was clear, the autumn air wasn't chilly but pleasantly crisp and there was a lively gathering in the forest. It was held in a wide clearing, bursting with happy people, milling around and chatting. Surrounding them was an almost perfect circle of tangled old oaks, their branches wreathed with strings of homemade lanterns and flower garlands. 

Ty and Louie were quick to turn on tunnel vision towards the table with a large arrangement of party food. They came away with armfuls of bread, cheese, fruits and two tankards of apple cider. They found a spot for themselves, hiding away behind a stack of bailed hay just on the outskirts of the festivities. They set up their little feast, which they wasted no time in devouring. 

There were minstrels playing a vibrant tune. But even with all their flutes, fiddles and practice, they fell short in comparison to the natural music of Ty Cloudkicker's laughter. Louie was talking fast. He was gravitating into Ty's space as he did so, lured in by the bubbling sound. He was eager, grinning deliriously as he spouted out more and more of his story to keep the laugh from fading.

As if it was a lifeline. Like the back of his mind was utterly terrified it would stop. Yet he was entranced with a flood with endorphins, so enamored with the resonance that he couldn't help but be elated as he rattled on to keep himself alive. "Okay, so nobody specifically told Uncle Donald that keeping snacks in your crown was not considered "Kingly" behavior. But see, he just saw it as an extra pocket. He didn't get what the big deal was." 

When Ty laughed hard enough, he started snorting. He attempted to control himself. Louie wished he wouldn't. "So imagine being one of those advisor buzzard dorks, right? And you're having this big, important royal audience with the new king. And then right in the middle of discussing warships or something, he reaches into his crown, (not breaking eye contact.) and starts munching on a fish sandwich. They looked at him like he just spat on their mothers' graves." The octave skyrocketed and Ty disintegrated into high pitched cackles, tightly clutching his side as if he would split in half. It swept away the narrative in Louie's head, fizzling the thought process as he continued to gaze at Ty as if he were channeling golden light. However, his brain did not send the memo to this mouth that it was time to stop talking. Which led to Louie stuttering out "And the--....He--...uh, he--,um...." a brainless smile slapped on his face all the while. He couldn't stop smiling. He was crashing and burning and he couldn't stop smiling. He was certain he would be humiliated over this blunder later but right now, it was pretty funny. Thankfully, his subconscious had mercy on him, cutting him off with a nervous, breathless giggle. Ty was oblivious to whatever kind of gay breakdown Louie was having as he was trying to regain composure from his own hysterics. He was beginning to calm down, occasional wheezy yet delighted noises still sputtering out of him. His shoulders relaxed and he leaned back with a shaky exhale, still stuck with that huge sunny smile. They fell into a silence in the aftermath, content to sit and just listen to the music. Ty picked up his cider and took a gulp. Louie mirrored him. Then Ty's entire frame bucked with a surprise hiccup and Louie nearly choked. He was pretty sure he saw his whole life flash before his eyes as he collapsed into a coughing fit, Ty thumping him firmly on the back. "I'll live, I'll live!" Louie gasped, regaining himself. "Stop hitting me, I bruise like a peach." "Sorry." He drew his hand away. Then he hiccuped again and Louie lost it. "It's not funny!" Ty insisted, a desperate crack to his voice. It was pretty hilarious, actually. Not just the ridiculous little noises, but the way his shoulders jumped and how he would blink in split second afterwards, startled and bewildered like a baby animal. Ty gave him a shove, Louie still snickering and flailing his hands to halfheartedly fend him off. "Hey, hey, what gives you the right to attack me? I nearly choked and died 'cause of you." "Sounds like a "you" problem." "Where'd those hiccups even come from? Your papa bear never teach you not to drink your cider so fast?" Ty's bottom lip jutted out, irritated. He shook his head "Nah, it's--" Hic. Louie snorted. "Shut up!" He snapped. Yeah, his face was definitely a darker shade of pink than usual. "Sometimes I get hiccups if I laugh too much." "Huh. that's a thing that can happen?" "Yeah. A thing I gotta live with." Hic. "Lemme guess, this hasn't happened in a while?" "Huh?" Ty turned to him, perplexed. "Nah, it happens all the time. And when I tell ya it's the most annoying thing--" "You can't be serious." Louie smiled with a disbelieving shake of the head. "You, like, barely laugh anymore." "What's that supposed to mean?" "What?" He shrugged. "You don't." Ty rolled his eyes and directed his vision elsewhere. "I usually do whenever I go back to the glen." "Are Ben and Lottie really that funny?" "They are the least funny people I know. Also they suck and they're cheaters and I hate them." Hic. Let's see. So, he was clearly pouting. Acting all petty about his siblings. The Glen. Laughing to the point of hiccups. "Lots of tickle fights, huh?" Louie deduced, a smirk playing across his beak. Ty considered him for a moment, as if he was thinking about decking him right then and there but ultimately decided it wasn't worth the effort. (Louie was offended.) He then looked off into the distance, an indescribably haunted look in his eye. "Soooo....I'm gonna guess you usually lose the tickle fi--?" "I do not!" Ty abruptly yelled, shooting him an indignant look. "Let's get this straight, if it's one-on-one, I win. I always win. You better not forget that, your highness." He jabbed Louie's chest with his forefinger. "I'm the best fighter out of the three of us. In fact, I probably got the potential to be the best fighter in the whole kingdom!" "Real modest." "It's just if they team up, then it's unfair! That's why they're--" Hic. Louie watched, delightfully entertained as Ty hissed "God. Damn. Hiccups." "And how often do they team up?" He didn't answer right away. Then reluctantly grumbled "Most of the time." "So what I'm hearing is--...." Louie casually leaned against Ty's side, propping his elbow on the latter's shoulder.  "You do lose most of the time?" "Shut up." "No." "Okay, so here's the thing. Let's say you're a big, strong brave knight. You're super cool and heroic and everybody respects you." Hic. "Then you go back home and then suddenly you're just someone else's baby brother and they see you just standing there, minding your business and they're just like "Well! Guess I gotta obliterate him!" And they do not hold back." "Ohhhhh, I get that, I totally get that." Said Louie. "Well, not the brave knight part. But y'know. Me and my brothers had to share a room. It was tiny. There was always a foot in your face or whatever. And sometimes when were bored, they started getting rowdy and throwing hands and it's not like I asked but I got dragged in too. When I was just trying to sleep, man! I wasn't asking for a spontaneous duel at 2am." Ty snorted. "Oh yeah, and sometimes Dewey calls me a little bitch." "He's right." Louie knocked his body against Ty's, making a sound of faux outrage. Ty only found that funnier. Huffing, Louie pawed around for the cluster of grapes at his side. He twisted one free and twirled it around his fingers for a moment. "Watch this. I can feel it. I'm gonna do it this time." "Are you now?" Said Ty in such a distinctly pleasant tone that Louie could not possibly interpret it any other way than "I do not believe that but I'm humoring you but I also want you to understand that my sweet voice is oh, so bitterly sarcastic. Fuck you." "I see you're doubting me." "Me? Doubt my liege? I could never." "Yeah, yeah, yeah, you're a real court jester. Now shut up and observe." Louie wiped all expression from his face and inhaled deeply to obtain peak tranquility. He relaxed his whole frame. If he could pull this off, this would be his day for sure. Ty was watching. This moment would define his life. Thinking a hasty prayer to every known God, force and entity  that had ever favored the unlikely ones, he tossed the grape in the air, threw his head back and opened his beak. The grape finished rising and gravity took control. It fell. Down, down, down, down. Louie now understood the concept of meditation. He was so in the zone, he could've sworn the grape was descending in slow motion. Yes, yes, it was aligning directly below his beak. He was gonna catch it! Down, down, down, down. Then Ty snatched it right out of the air and swallowed it whole. Louie sat, slack jawed, attempting to process what had just happened. He slowly turned to Ty, completely blank. Huh. That moment really did define his life. "You bastard!" He squawked. "Me bastard!" Ty exclaimed, looking insufferably proud of himself. "How could you?! I know our allyship has been complicated but this is high treason!" "Sorry, sorry, I just--" He sat back a little, shaking with silent laughter. He then formed a square with his hands and hovered it before Louie, squinting one eye. "I just needed to see the face you would make and god, it was worth it. You think you could hold that face for a few hours to get a portrait made? I'd get it framed and hang it in my room." He was teasing him. Louie knew he was teasing him. And yet he still blushed bright red from the fragment of fondness blurred in the implication. "W-well, well I would--I'd--" He floundered, racking his brain for a retort. "You think there's any musical instruments that could replicate your dorky little hiccups? I'd hire minstrels just to have them play it for me! Y'know, for when I need a laugh." Ty's smug grin dropped and his eyes flicked about uncertainly. "I--..." He dragged the word out, face flushing at a rapid rate as he folded his knees up to curl in on himself. He crossed his arms. "I think they're gone now anyway." He mumbled. Hic. God, that never got old. "If you laugh one more time, I'm putting you in a tree and leaving you there." Louie laughed again, out of spite. "Nobody's fault but your own. Imagine you've just fought an epic battle and you think there's no more enemies to take on. But as soon as you say that out loud, boom! Second ambush! You would think a warrior like you would get that." "Your highness?" "Yeah?" "Shut your huge mouth." "No." "Okay. Dunno why I thought that would work. Never does." "Y'know I would offer to spook your hiccups away. But we both know that wouldn't work." "Yeah, probably not." Said Ty with a shake of his head. He perked up a bit. "Lottie gave it a shot once. Nothing." "Well, it's just like you said that one time." Louie shrugged, then faltered when the back of his mind took notice of the dimly glowing orange irises he was met with. His voice softened involuntarily. "You're fearless." He didn't know what he said wrong. Ty's face fell. He looked so utterly devastated that Louie, completely lost to why he was even upset, felt his own heart shatter to pieces. He wanted to start sobbing just from seeing him. "Oh..." Ty whispered. He clutched one of his hands with the other and began fidgeting with his fingers. "Well, see. Uh, the thing about that is--...." Concerned, Louie scooched in closer, peering at the face that had once again turned away from him. He hesitantly touched Ty's upper arm. "Hey. Ty. Are you--?" "HEY, LOOK AT THAT!" Ty blurted out, his voice nervously rising in pitch. He attempted to subtly clear his throat. Louie followed the direction of Ty's pointer finger which was gesturing out to the thick expanse of forestry. There was nothing there. But then he caught a flash of movement and noticed two figures tucked away in the shadows of the trees. A young man and woman, probably only a few years older than them. "The couple?" Louie asked, puzzled. "The what now?" Then Ty did a double take, then snapped to attention as if he had just noticed them. "Oh! Oh, yeah, them, sure. I mean, yeah, that's what I meant. Them. Uhhh....look at them!" "Uh. Okay? Why?" "Theeeyyyy're....cute? Gross? They're something. They're definitely something." Louie hummed, taking the two into consideration. The girl was letting out a peal of laughter and the guy was blabbing away animatedly, looking thrilled with himself that she was finding him funny. He was trying so hard.... Louie didn't know if he wanted to gag or coo out an "aww!" "Grossly cute." He decided. Ty snapped his fingers. "That's it!" "You know, I don't get why they're over there. There's tons of people around here. Why would you wanna show up to a party if you're just gonna hide away and hang out with one person the whole time?" "For real though." For the next few minutes, Ty and Louie observed the couple, keeping up a running commentary on the guy's obvious nerves and the girl's less than subtle advances. Ty and Louie learned a lot about themselves in those few minutes. Namely that they were both terrible at lip reading. "He said Pants." Ty was certain. "No, he said Nance." Louie countered. "Her name is probably Nancy." The girl clapped her hands together, nodding eagerly. "Then what's that for, huh? Clearly he just offered to tailor her a personalized pair of pants." "You are so dumb, that's not what's happening here at all." The guy took a dramatic step back and twirled his wrist an unnecessary amount of times before offering her his hand with a half-bow. She took it, giggling. The two them scampered off, out of the shadows and into the heart of the party, where other couples were twirling around as the minstrels played. He curled an arm around her waist, smiling as though this was his greatest honor and they spun into the motion, flowing so naturally amidst the other dancers as if they were simply another cogwheel in the world's most elegant clock. "Dance." Said Ty and Louie in unison. "Pretty sure we were close." "Pretty sure we're idiots." "Yeah, I know but just let me pretend." Ty suddenly snickered, his eyes glinting. "What was that thing he did with his hand anyway? And why did she eat it up?" "It's called flair, Tiberius." "Kinda dumb." "You're just mad that flair is not something you possess." "Bullshit, watch this!" Ty sat up straight and bent his arm into a perfect ninety-degree angle. "Prepare to be amazed." And then his entire forearm began to spin and spin and spin and spin and spin like a windmill in a hurricane. "Flair, flair, flair, flair," He was chanting and Louie had already collapsed in a giggle fit. It wasn't even remotely funny. It was dumb, it was so dumb. But Louie could admit to himself that dumb schticks get like ninety percent more humorous to him if there's a really cute boy performing them. He was easy like that. Ty was extremely committed to the joke as he kept spinning and spinning for over ten seconds. He kept shooting Louie glances and his grin got wider and wider every time he looked away. "FLAIR!" He let his arm go, throwing out an open palm and nearly knocked it against the side of Louie's head. "Hey!" He dodged. "Watch where you swing that thing, you could've whacked me!" "But I didn't!" Said Ty gleefully. He lowered his hand but did not withdraw. It remained unwavering and offered out to Louie. He took it. He didn't think, he just took it. It was only when they made contact that Louie woke up and his heart promptly spiked. But besides a light blush, he managed to keep his face neutral. "So, I guess it's not just that girl who's impressed by this stuff." Ty was nonchalant. His smile then twitched, as if aching to stretch wider but he was reigning it in. "You are too." They were still touching, which, by all accounts, should continue to fluster Louie. But as seconds ticked by, a sense of calm was settling over him. The very thing originally causing panic was now bringing him comfort. It was the weirdest thing, "I was laughing at you, not with you." He said evenly, catching Ty's contagious smile. "Ehh," He shrugged. "I'll take it." Louie would count this as a new domain for sure. Uncharted waters. As if he and Ty had stumbled in accidentally but now they were here, their curiosity was urging them to explore. Not to a dangerous extent, of course. But maybe just edge along the sidelines and see what they could discover. "Your hands are so tiny, it's crazy." Ty commented, tilting his head. Turning it over, he slid his thumb thoughtfully across Louie's palm. "How do you even hold anything?" Louie wasn't even eyeing their hands but was regarding Ty's pensive face. "It's kinda the worst. Whenever we find treasure and I get my cut, the fancy rings and bracelets are huge. I always gotta go to a jeweler and get them resized if I wanna wear them."' Ty was fiddling with Louie's fingers now, fixing him with a decisive nod. "I'll get you a ring for Christmas." "Woah, woah. For real?" "Yeah. I'll put it in one of those fancy boxes. But then you'll open it and see it's made out of grass and try to have me beheaded." As they were speaking, their hands continued to play around. Ty had flattened his own, aligning his palm against Louie's. Louie spread his fingers and Ty laced his through. "Uncle Donald says I'm not allowed to say "Off with his head" anymore or I'm grounded 'til I'm thirty-five. It "makes the people want to revolt."" Louie air-quoted with his free hand. "But I would fire you for sure." Ty snorted. "You would not and you know it." There would never be any proof that they held hands that day. Not a single eye witnesses, including themselves, as both boys had turned a blind eye to their own actions. They were afraid to look down, as that would be an acknowledgement. Louie had no mental image of the moment, fuschia fur intertwined with snow feathers, only a rush of heat and a hazy ponder if the dampness was his sweat or Ty's. And if the feel of Ty's touch was just an illusion of the mind, there was one poignant hint of the reality and that was how gentle their voices had gotten. "Oh, so, you're really gonna test me like that, Tiberius? Pushing me around, stealing grapes, calling me a little bitch. Is this any way to treat your liege? You don't think I'm at the end of my rope with you?" "Nahhhh...." Ty drew the word out, grinning. He twisted his muzzle into an exaggerated pout and batted his eyes. "You would never because I'm awesome and cool and smart and you love me." It was Ty's utter nerve that left Louie too astonished to even blush. Instead, he simply tilted his head, an eyebrow cocked. "Do I?" He challenged. To his credit, Ty did not relent either. However, the impishness gradually died from his eyes until he was left solemn. "Maybe?" He spoke softly, as though too much force would crack the delicate little word. He bore into Louie's eyes, like he was searching for an answer. Pleading for an answer. Louie felt his own hand squeeze Ty's. He inhaled. He knew he was going to say something, he was just leaving it up his own scattered subconscious to determine what. He would open his beak and whatever words wound up tumbling out would seal his fate. He didn't have a second to panic, to fret, as he was already speaking and he was petrified by how fast this was all going. "I--" Something shattered and a woman screamed in pain. Indistinct shouting and Ty cursed under his breath. Louie scrambled around to see the commotion and the last few things he registered were the gleam of sunlight catching unsheathed weapons, the girl he called Nancy with crimson pooling from her forehead, Ty demanding "Get down!" and knocking him stomach-down into the ground. 

“Stay there and don’t move.” Then Ty had rushed off and everything went to shit.

___________

[OCTOBER 22ND, 7:13PM] Louie was well acquainted with that knock. Firstly, one firm rap against wood, proceeded by two more rapid-fire. He associated it with a twinge of annoyance, high sun beams streaking in his window and somebody near, dear and insufferable to his heart, pestering him from the other side to rise and shine already or his breakfast would go stale. This usually occurred around 9:30AM. If given a say in the matter, Louie would sleep til noon. But he didn't have a say in the matter because every morning, without fail, there was a retainer banging down his door. Something was off this time. Once he knocked, Ty had fallen uncharacteristically silent. No continuation of drumming out an obnoxious little tune and and no insisting he open up. Louie was hesitant to do much of anything. It seemed his door was the only thing protecting him from facing repercussions right now. If he fell deep enough into denial, he could pretend Ty wasn't there. So long as he kept his door shut, he could pretend everything was alright. Ty didn't almost die. It was a tempting thought. It resounded in such an appealing voice inside his head that Louie seized his latch before he could give in. The brass shocked a chill to the pads of his fingers as he held on tight. He had to open up. He had to. His hand fidgeted, stalling the moment. He thumped his forehead against the door, heaving a steadying sigh. "You don't wanna see me, do you, your highness?" He heard Ty say in hushed tones, his voice startlingly close to where Louie had situated himself. "Ehh, if we're being honest....not really." "Oh...." "Do you wanna see me?" "I mean....I kinda don't? The idea of seeing you right now is making me nauseous." The statement skewered Louie's heart. He shook it off. "Why'd you knock?" "'Cause it doesn't matter what I want, I gotta see you right now. It's important." An prolonged pause hung in the air, buzzing with a mutual uncertainty. Louie tapped his fingers to the wood and after a second or two, Ty did the same. Their respective rhythms aligned. "But..." Ty continued, his voice faltering. "If you don't wanna see me, I can go--" "Convince me." Louie was blurting out before he thought twice about it. "Huh?" "I need to open this door but, like surprise surprise, I'm scared. You've done it before. I get scared and you talk me into stuff. Do your big strong hero magic and get me to suck it up. Please, I need it." "Oh, uh, I--" He could hear how flustered Ty had gotten suddenly being put on the spot. "Well, I--...I guess you don't have a choice 'cause if you don't open up, I'm strong enough to barricade the door down. So, I figure we should just do this the easy way." Despite the circumstances and the scruple wrung tense in his stomach, Louie felt the corner of his beak twitch at the tentative touch to Ty's tone. He felt his stiff shoulders relax. "Is that a threat, Tiberius?" "Uh, no." Ty admitted, sounding sheepish. "That was just a joke. See, it was the first thing that came into my head and then suddenly I was saying it. Sorry, I dunno for sure if now is "joke time" and I figured it'd be kinda weird to ask so--" He didn't get to finish rambling. His hair whipped to the side with the rush of air that came with the swift swing of the door. Louie fixed him with a hard look, processing the sight of his retainer standing there, alive and bright eyed. Ty's hand was still hovering awkwardly in the air, where he assumed it had been resting against the door. He blinked back at him, puzzled and a little alarmed, as if caught under a spotlight. He didn't look angry. But Louie knew better than to lull himself into thinking he was in the clear. Whatever resentment Ty was feeling would spill out in time. Louie braced himself. "Hey, Ty." He said stiffly. "Come on in."

[d-criss-news]

There’s a scene early on in Ryan Murphy’s new Netflix period drama “Hollywood,” in which an aspiring director, played by Darren Criss, meets with Chinese-American actress Anna May Wong, played by Michelle Krusiec, to try to convince her to be in his movie. Midway through their conversation he casually mentions that he’s half-Filipino, which seems to catch her off guard. She stops, takes off her glasses to see him better, and then says, “You’re Asian?”

What follows is a conversation not only about what it means to be an Asian-American person in Hollywood, but the further consequences that come with looking like one.

Krusiec as Wong — a 1920s and ’30s Hollywood star whose studio career all but came to an end after she was passed over for the Oscar-winning adaptation of Pearl S. Buck’s “The Good Earth” in favor of a white actress in yellowface — gives Criss’ character, the fictional Raymond Ainsley, a schooling in something he, as a white-passing man, either can’t understand or refuses to believe.

“Over-sexed, opium addled courtesans, dangerously exotic far-Eastern temptresses. That’s what they wanted to see from someone who looks like me,” she says, letting him know in no uncertain terms that a movie from a half-Asian director that stars a Chinese actress will never get made.

“You’re dealing with two experiences that present different reactions. Not only internally, but externally,” Criss said in an interview with TheWrap. “Who are you to the world? How do they see you? How do you see yourself? What happens if you happen to look more like one half than the other, which one are you?”

Criss himself is half-Filipino and has in the past found himself in the unenviable position of contending with these questions as a public figure. “It’s a moving target that I’ve always kind of had to– well, I won’t say always had to. I think being in the public eye has made me think about it more than I ever have,” he said.

He first felt the full weight of that conversation a few years ago when some clumsy comments he made about his racial identity in a 2018 Vulture interview raised eyebrows online. Asked whether or not he identifies as Asian American, Criss suggested that doing so as a white-passing actor would be “unfair,” similar to “reaching for the minority card on a college application.” At the time, Criss was being lauded by critics for his performance as the half-Filipino serial killer Andrew Cunanan in Murphy’s “The Assassination of Gianni Versace: American Crime Story” and just months away from making a historic runthrough awards season.

The outcry from the Filipino-American community, and the Asian-American community more broadly, was swift.

“In my mind, I was just me. My mom’s Filipino and my dad’s a white guy and that’s just kind of how it is,” Criss told TheWrap. (Indeed, in the same 2018 interview, he admitted that he had never even considered the question before he was asked.)

“You could argue, well maybe that’s because you’re white-passing and nobody ever questioned anything,” he continued. “And then I feel bad and I go, Oh god, did I somehow turn my back on my Filipino-ness? Like, at what point am I supposed to raise my hand higher for that? I don’t know the answer.”

As Krusiec put it, “It’s not an easy conversation to have,” but it’s one Asian American communities have always had to grapple with, and will continue to grapple with as their visibility in media grows. With a rising number of Asian-American stories finally getting recognition on screen, the question is no longer if Asian Americans get to be represented, but which segments of a large and diverse population get those opportunities, and why.

“As a full-blooded Taiwanese person, there came a point in my career where I realized I was not going to be as valuable as somebody who was passing as half-Asian or half-white, because they kind of look and feel less Asian,” she said. “And that’s kind of a hard thing to accept.”

The interplay between identity and perception is complex for any person, but for people of color there’s the added layer of having to exist within the context of a society defined by whiteness. “The trend you find is that when someone looks half, they’re seen as more desirable, they’re more attractive. And that’s the conversation you have with yourself, even though it feels like this really uncomfortable, icky conversation,” she said.

“It’s this thing you pick up on when you’re fully Taiwanese or fully Chinese. I look at my friends who are half, and I see them as having this great advantage over me. And at the same time, you don’t want to be thinking about these things but it just seems to be the reality.”

The flip side of that is the experience of someone like Criss’ character, who is met with obvious surprise and skepticism every time he tells someone he’s half-Filipino but seems most hurt by it when it comes from another Asian American. Or someone like Criss himself, who grew up feeling “incredibly supported and loved” as part of the Filipino community in California’s Bay Area, only to be confronted later in life by the possibility that his success may have been predicated on society’s willingness to set him apart from that community.

“Just to clarify,” Criss tweeted shortly after the Vulture interview began making the rounds. “[One] of my favorite things about myself is that I’m half Filipino. PERIOD. I happen to not look like it, but THAT fact is not what I like. I like the fact that most people don’t know it’s an ace up my sleeve, an ace I’m very proud of, regardless of what I look like.”

Criss says he hadn’t had asked Murphy to incorporate the thread on Asian-American identity into “Hollywood” prior to doing the show and was “very interested” to see it show up in the script. “Ryan wanted to make it more true to who I was, as he did with a lot of the actors,” he said. “So I said, just know that when you’re dealing with Asian identity, it’s a big one. And I think if we’re going to make it simple enough for people to understand, we have to root it in the fact that Raymond is scared of being other-ed. That’s really what it boils down to for everyone.”

“What Ryan did with Darren’s character, is he talked about a really complex situation and subject matter in a very concise way, just by putting these two people together,” Krusiec said. “One doesn’t believe that the other is interested in helping her. And the other is really, really trying to say, ‘No, I don’t look like I connect, but I do.’ And that’s a conversation that people within my community do have.”

“It’s not an easy conversation to have and he’s able to frame that in a way that I don’t think has been done before,” she said.

“Hollywood” finds no easy resolution between its two characters on this point by the end of their conversation (the scene is not their final interaction but to say any more would include spoilers), but Criss himself, at least, seems to have found a path forward.

“People want different things from different people in the media in terms of representation,” he said. “And the only thing I can do is be true to myself and be happy and proud of who I am — which I am —  and do my best to inspire other people to feel good about who they are.”

“Hollywood” launches Friday on Netflix.

[jonesgirl88]

Katie! Do you ever think about how Oliver married Holly because he was looking for Shane before he knew Shane existed? He was looking for someone who would shake things up a little, but in a way that made him better - that made his life better - yet still see him for who he was, and love him for that? Then Shane shows up and even though the timing seems wrong and he can't do anything about it, his heart goes "Oh, there you are. I've finally found you." UGH MY HEART

I DON'T KNOW YOUR NAME AND IT MAKES ME SAD. Until I know your name, you are 'Muse' and I'm perfectly okay with that! You thought you had long answers...hold on, sister. I have wanted to ask you about Holly FOREVER but didn't want to seem stalker-y so I've been holding off. You asked first so HERE'S ALL MY HOLLY & HOLLY/OLIVER THOUGHTS AND DO I HAVE T H O U G H T S. I'm going to try to organize this as best I can. First, if you haven't seen the international version of the FPWL Holly/Oliver drink scene you need to watch it. It will explain why Oliver decided to marry Holly through Oliver's eyes. I need to use 3 quotes: "Don't you think you've waited for her [Holly] long enough? I believe in keeping promises. I am, after all, a gentleman" - Pilot "This odd fellow who loves words and books and things from the past, and has spent his life trying to find a future with someone to share it with. I haven't been very successful at that yet" - For Christmas "Holly you are a beautiful woman with a fascinating way of looking at the world that could entrance the most stoic of men. I had never met anyone like you; you made me uncomfortable with my life and I thought maybe that's good. Maybe my life needs a little shaking up. You certainly did that." - FPWL (International version) First things first: I don't hate Holly. I really want your thoughts on Holly because I don't see her as a "bad guy". She's an antagonist but she's not a villain and she's not hate-worthy in my opinion. Yes, she's flawed. Yes, she's not "wife material". Yes, I wouldn't trust her to watch a goldfish let alone live a life with her. However she's not a bad person and she's very upfront with what she wants. We're only told Holly's side of the story once in FPWL during the drinks at the Brown scene. We have no reason not to take her at face value so from the beginning, she's been honest. She wants to travel the world and write poetry--she doesn't want to be tied down. The elephant in the room: yes, it was VERY wrong of her to run away to Paris. It was VERY wrong of her to cut off contact for 2 years. Holly is a flawed human who, like someone else we know, leaves when things get tough. There is no excuse for her absence and I appreciate none is given other than she is who she is and Oliver has to come to terms with that. Oliver is also a flawed human with a bit of a savior complex. He saved Holly in the middle of a blizzard, a noble and righteous act. He remains true to the covenant of marriage despite his wife running away, a noble and righteous act. He protects Shane in the bank vault when she's freaking out, a noble and righteous act. He's a protector and he calls himself a "gentleman" and he has a strict moral code but as Shane points out, he's a hypocrite. In his need to save the "damsel in distress" (Holly), he sees who he wants to see--someone who needs protection. Holly doesn't need protection past that one instance but he continually wants to be a hero. Oliver is intense. About everything. He and Holly have been married 3 years (said in For Christmas) but she's been gone 2 years (FPWL). Rita and Norman have been working together 4 years and Rita knows Holly. We know Norman and Rita first met Christmas Eve and Holly and Oliver were stuck in a blizzard. Oliver and Holly went from complete strangers to married in one year. If you watch the international version of FPWL, they explain both Oliver and Holly thought they were destined to be together because who survives something like that without something happening between them. Hopefully this is where it all ties together. Oliver sees himself as a "gentleman" but he uses that as a façade to see people how he wants to view them. He puts them in easy-to-understand boxes even if that's not who they are. In this instance, Holly never wanted to settle down but Oliver didn't want to see that. They both thought they belonged together because of what they survived. If Holly didn't want to settle down, why would she propose? I'm not 100% positive, but I'm about 82% sure she thought she could

change him. Holly and Oliver aren't that different; they're both wordsmiths, they both have a love for experiences rather than things, and they both believed they were part of divine timing. Even how they married speaks to the wanderlust of Holly: they eloped. She proposed and 3 hours later they were married. As a man of faith I would think that would cause Oliver to open up his eyes to the reality of who Holly is, but when you believe this person and you are meant to be because of a divine meeting...I can see how and why he rushed in without much forethought. Holly leaves and Oliver freezes in time BUT he does begin to think about what he wants, leading to quote 2. Oliver wants to spend his life with someone. I believe he loved the Holly he built up in his mind, but not Holly the person. Over the course of 2 years, he comes to the realization the Holly of his mind and Holly the person are different beings; one very real and the other a figment of his imagination. Now enter Shane and Oliver wants to put this new mystery in a box but Shane refuses. She bucks his perceptions of her and is part of his growing process he has to go through. I honestly do not believe Oliver had romantic feelings towards Shane until the dance in the DLO. That's the beginning of him realizing he wants Shane but at this point he is still devoted to Holly and I believe he wants her to come back. Unlike Holly, Shane never leaves and he keeps bumping against the wife that left and a woman who doesn't and his heart is definitely conflicted. We know Shane is conflicted; Becky literally tells her to get "an available Oliver". Holly is the characterization of "refusal to confront". Holly ran away when she didn't like her circumstances and it takes 2 movies and 9 episodes for her refusal to be realized. Shane self terminates several times because she can't deal with the circumstances BUT she comes back. Oliver leaves in emotionally charged moments because he can't deal with what's happening BUT he comes back. Now we come to the last quote: the confrontation between Holly and Oliver. Did Holly love Oliver? I think she did as much as she could. She is drawn to a boho, artist, backpacking lifestyle and if she found someone who could do that with her, I think she would have no problem committing to that person. But Oliver isn't like that. He wants a house and a steady job and to work at the post office. Living out of a backpack is as disinviting to him as living a routine is to Holly. Did Oliver love Holly? I think he did as much as he could. He pigeon-holed her and didn't listen to what she wanted when she told him explicitly who she is. He had to grow to see his own errors and in that, he saw Holly for who she really is. At the end of FPWL I think Oliver is seeing Holly for who she is and Holly is seeing Oliver for who he is. I think they care for each other but Oliver is now listening to his heart and realizes what and who he wants. Look at what he says to Shane: "You know, for two years I've imagined what it might be like if it became absolutely clear that my marriage was over. Once all the questions were answered and I knew I would never be Holly's husband again, how would I feel? What would I do?" What did he do? He went out and bought a porch swing. He's over Holly and is ready to move on. The refusal to confront had to be confronted; the truth was revealed; and now we can move on. Oliver and Shane can move on and there's no more running away. Oliver literally says "I'm not letting go". One more quote and then I'll finally answer your question. "Well, when we began together as colleagues charged with delivering so many lost things, I believed that to everything there is a season and to every lost letter there is a divine purpose. Only today, seeing you, Norman, and you, Rita, so happy, and you, my Shane, my love, promising to love me forever, only now do I realize... just how very lost I was, too, and that your friendship and your faith have uh, delivered me as well." - TTA Oliver has changed and he knows he's changed. He's

changed for the better and didn't realize how lost he was until he found his way out. The savior needed a Savior and while he was a "man of faith" before, he's truly a faithful man now. He knows how much he's changed and how much he needed to change to be the man Shane needs and deserves. SO TO FINALLY ANSWER YOUR QUESTION: Do I ever think about how Oliver married Holly because he was looking for Shane before he knew Shane existed? Answer: No, because Oliver didn't realize what he needed until he grew up and saw what was in front of him. I don't think his heart knew Shane when he saw her BUT when he starting thawing and allowing himself to feel and think about what he wanted and needed in his life as a partner? ABSOLUTELY his heart, mind, and body jumped to Shane in a moment. This isn't speculation: it's canon. The ring is freshly off. The divorce papers aren't even signed. Holly probably isn't even on the plane back to Paris. Oliver is already building Shane her porch swing because his heart looked up and said "Oh, there you are. I've finally found you." And that, my dear Muse, is totally worth gushing about.