#btw when i say control i mean that i didnt ask to be ill and i cannot change that i am i dont mean my actions. those can be judged

[zarovich]

it's so difficult to work on recovery and bettering yourself when those around you always seem to view you in a certain way for something you cannot control

[philipkindreddickhead]

I often seen critiques of make up from an existential/philosophical perspective, but I rarely see criticism of cosmetics from a stand point of the very physical bodily harm it does. I think this is because the number of dangerous ingredients is so massive, and overlapping its an absolutely daunting task. So I've compiled the information I've found and bear with me its a lot. (This is from an American perspective. Sorry, thats what I know. However I would love it if people from other countries had things to add.)

First I want to get the "simple" stuff out of the way. I think almost everyone has heard about bacteria and fungi in makeup and that makeup causes acne from clogging pores. Makeup has a pretty strict shelf life, yet consumers are entirely supposed to self-police as Ive never seen a single expiration date on any cosmetic packaging. (I guess consumers are meant to pull this knowledge out of the ether or something. I only found out about it in a tumblr PSA. I did read that expirys are on products in Europe.) Beauty blenders are the worst offender because theyre almost always moist. When I was taught makeup I was told to wet my sponge so it would soak up less product. If you apply makeup daily your sponge is likely constantly damp. USA Today had an article which said that 96% of sponges had fungi and over 60% had E. Coli in them. But I think what people talk about less is the complication of problems from using other products in conjunction with dirty beauty blenders. USA Today warns its especially dangerous to use beauty blenders if you have damage to your skin like acne, cuts, or dry skin. However the most popular beauty products for washing your face contain walnut pieces for literally scrubbing your skin and creating microabrasions. If youre a frequent makeup user you probably know about the cyclical nature of applying foundation, breaking out, and then applying more foundation to cover the breakout. You may even be using scrubbing cleansers more frequently to combat the acne creating more tears. This can lead to "blood poisoning" and, though neither USA today or Forbes mentions this, blood poisoning (not a medical term btw. Its sepsis.) according to numerous medical sites has the potential to be extremely lethal. The symptoms are so similar to a regular flu its nearly impossible to self-diagnose.

The very first thing I was told when a friend handed me a jar of finishing powder- popular with many beauty gurus for the "baking" technique and considered a must have- was a joke about "clown lung." This was a reference to the main ingredient talc. Talc causes lung problems including cancer and respiratory illness. If anyone remembers the large Johnson and Johnson lawsuit from 2019 it was because theyd been putting talc into baby powder. Talc is dangerous because it's impossible to mine and seperate from ASBESTOS. Some high-end finishing powders will try to sell you on safe talc-free formulas but all the products I looked into contained mica instead which causes pneumoconiosis, colloquially known as "black lung disease." Like fucking coal miners get. Its not just present in finishing powder either. In my research it turned out that talc/asbestos are also present in many eyeshadows and other powder products. [Googleable, evidenced in J&J lawsuit]

Another industry to examine is nail salons. Toluene, Formaldehyde, Dibutyl Phthalate, and Methacrylate compounds are all dangerous ingredients and present in various salon products. These ingredients cause a range of problems from dizziness, drowsiness, birth defects, slow fetal growth, future intellectual disabilities in the fetus, eye skin and throat irritation, coughing, allergic reactions, asthma-like attacks, short-term memory loss, nausea, dermatitis, cancer, and misscarriage. Some nail products advertise that they are 3-free meaning that toluene, formaldehyde, and DP should be absent but often the labels are found to be completely inaccurate. It should be noted that the risk is mainly to salon workers and not patrons but ask yourself if it is right to place other people at serious risk for your aesthetic. OSHA does make an attempt to mitigate these risks however not once in my years of makeup queen did I see a salon following these directives which include constant air monitoring, half mask respirators with chemical cartridges, gloves, long sleeves, and safety glasses. (And Im not even going to touch issues of human trafficking/slave labour out of nail salons one case of which occured 5 days ago two hours away from me) It should also be noted that formaldehyde can also be found in hair relaxers and hair dyes. [Found articles in Scientific American and NYT]

I also found on the FDAs website that many cosmetics include heavy metals like arsenic, mercury, and lead. (Usually accompainied by a picture of lipstick so I assume that is the product most likely to contain it, however campaign for safe cosmetics lists foundation as containing heavy metals, and The Guardian has an article about skin lighteners from Asia and Africa containing mercury.) The website stated that the amount of these heavy metals in cosmetics is "safe" if used as intended. (and I'm going to come back to the concept of "intended use" later because thats a can of worms too) However, when searching for info on heavy metal safety I found this quote in regards to metals in food:

"Certain metals, such as arsenic, lead and mercury, have no established health benefit, and have been shown to lead to illness, impairment, and in high doses, death. Understanding the risk that harmful metals pose in our food supply is complicated by the fact that no single food source accounts for most people’s exposure to metals in foods. People’s exposure comes from many different foods containing these metals. Combining all of the foods we eat, even low levels of harmful metals from individual food sources, can sometimes add up to a level of concern"

So like, which is it? Is it a "safe amount" or is no amount of metal safe? I understand that in the case of certain foods like fish some amount of mercury poisoning is always expected but fish is also something you feed yourself and nourish your body with while cosmetics are completely unecessary to your survival. The mercury problem in fish is also mitigated by health warnings when mercury levels are particularly high but cosmetics have no such warning. Another warning on the site indicated that children should ingest NO amount of lead AT ALL because it is particularly harmful for kids yet theres no effort to stop children from using lead-containing cosmetics. I worked next to a Five Below where I was shocked to find they sold Jeffree Star and Anastasia eyeshadow dupes for five dollars which amounts to fucking pocket change for a lot of kids and kids do buy that stuff. I also think its ironic the FDA would have anything to say regarding cosmetics because in the very same article about heavy metals in cosmetics the FDA says that they DO NOT REGULATE cosmetics beyond the color additives.

Mascara, eyeliner, lipstick, and brow tint often contain carbon black. This is a color additive that is an incomplete combustion of carbon-based products. It can cause lung disease, cancer, and organ system toxicity, and eye, nose, throat irritation. The effects are mainly studied in rats and those at biggest risk are industrial workers but why do other workers have to endure lung problems for something so unecessary? [Easily googleable, NIH, CDC, WHO Europe]

This next bit I only want to mention briefly because I didnt find any particularly reputable sources about it, but its a claim that cropped up repeatedly and I think its an interesting one. Parabens, estrogen, phthalates (again), and pesticides in cosmetics are apparently linked to endocrine disorders and hormone dysregulation. Im not entirely sure what is meant by this accusation. Endocrine disorders include female diseases like PCOS and possibly endometriosis. None of these diseases is very well studied and the female endocrine system itself is not well studied either. Im not saying "cosmetics cause PCOS" because we dont know if PCOS or these other endocrine/hormonal disorders are genetic or environmental or both (it appears that PCOS is largely genetic and Endometriosis is likely autoimmune related) AND we dont appear to know for sure that cosmetic ingredients cause endocrine disorder. But I include anyway for a number of reasons:

If you happen to struggle with hormonal problems you may want to know cosmetics is a potential environment factor.

These conditions are incredibly painful. It will be a battle getting your doctor to even acknowledge that pain for diagnosis. PCOS is linked to diabetes, and heart disease. [Thanks @mother-of-pearl ] There is no cure and the treatments are often throwing hormonal birth control at it and hoping for the best.

I dont anticipate the link between cosmetics and endocrine disorders being studied any time soon or any endocrine disorders studied at all because the medical/scientific field is sexist. I dont want women to suffer in the mean time.

Now again, take this with a grain of salt because I couldnt find scientific or news sources for it. Dont fucking come for me. Im not gonna respond to you. [Most reputable source was a paper from the library of medicine at the national institutes of health but it was behind a paywall and I dont have 39 dollars to be right on tumblrdotcom]

Avoiding these ingredients is not as simple as scanning the label for them. As many beautubers and the community are no doubt aware considering multiple scandals over veganism. Products advertised as vegan or cruelty free but contain non-vegan carmine or are sold in China which legally requires the products to be animal tested. Cosmetic companies will hide ingredients claiming they are "trade secrets" or they will be placed under "fragrance." Many ingredients will be known by six or seven different names and asking consumers to be aware of seven different names for multiple ingredients requires consumers to be aware of innumerable different, often complicated ingredient names. I shouldnt have to point out that's a ridiculous burden to place on women. The EU banned 1,300 hazardous ingredients that the US did not. Cosmetic companies rely on women being unwilling/unable to bring in a list of 1,300 ingredients- with multiple names- every time they pop in to the drug store, sephora, or wherever. Buying "natural" products will not help you either. Theres no established criteria for natural/organic in costmetics, the FDA doesnt test these products, and "natural"=/= safe anyway. Plenty of plants and minerals are poisonous. One good example is traditional kohl products which advertise their natural status but also naturally contain lead and reiterating that natural powders contain mica. US courts are rarely on the side of consumers either. I found an interesting lawsuit against St. Ives for their apricot scrub taken to court for their "dermatologist tested" label despite it causing breakouts and cuts to the skin. The courts ruled that this label was fine because it only indicated that the product was TESTED not APPROVED by dermatologists. However I think any rational consumer would look at this label and assume the tests concluded it was safe for use or else why put the label on there?

[Googlable XMONDO drama, googlable laws wrt china and eu, already stated about FDA, FDA website about Kohl. Googled St. Ives lawsuit.]

I want to return to the idea of "intended use." This is sort of a fucky concept a lot of companies have ways of getting around. My "last straw" with makeup had to do with a run-in I had with Anastasia over their "Riviera" eyeshadow palette. In this pallette they had two colors that were the real feature of the palette, an electric neon purple and a radioactive pink I mean every photo, every promotion has these two colors swirled together around the eye. Because again, its an eyeshadow palette. When I buy the eyeshadow palette of course there's a little insert warning in the package that says these two shades are not intended on the eye area. In an eyeshadow palette. Contacting their customer service they told me that these two shades were meant to be used as a blush. neon purple blush. Not only that, but their website and instagram featured NO models wearing the shades as blush while EVERY model one or more of the shades as eyeshadow. When asked about this discrepancy ABH stopped responding. What I find egregious about this is the amount of people who dont know, and then more staggeringly; dont care. The sephora clerks didnt know, the in store abh representative didnt know, their customers didnt know, and when I told them they would respond with "oh, [brand] did the same thing with their [shade]." Sure enough, when I demanded that store clerks open the packaging to look for warnings nearly every product had an "eyeshadow" that was not intended for use on the eyes. Relegating dark, red-toned teal to "contour" and neon grean to "highlighter" US-based cosmetic junkies will say that these pigments have been approved for use by the EU however I found absolutely NO evidence of that. I googled it a thousand ways but all I ever found were blog posts, reddit comments, and one quote from an apparently nonEuropean layman in an Insider article. I even changed my location to France on ABH's website and the Norvina palette still contains the same warnings (not to harp on ABH in particular. I just know which shades in particular are the problem there). The Insider article noted that brands who were selling pressed pigments declined to comment. If the pressed pigments were EU friendly, I would think companies would be clamouring to say so. It also still makes their market as eyeshadow colors illegal in the US. (If any Europeans would like to chime in I'd love that.) Another problem I find with cosmetics companies and their reps is the claim that the worst thing that could happen is eye irritation for those with sensitive eyes and staining. How could they possibly know? The FDA doesnt test, or approve these cosmetics in the eye area, so ostensibly no one should be using it that way.

The next one is a bit of a "duh" but I'm going to talk about it anyway. Counterfeit cosmetics are a booming market full of untold dangers. Untold primarily because these products could contain literally anything. Ive read about glue, arsenic, lead, feces, staph, and horse urine to name a few. The labels and ingredient list on these products are fake. Legitimate brands often unintentionally play into the counterfeit market. They create artificial scarcity by making less of the product than is actually needed for consumer demand to create an even higher demand. If consumers miss out often their only chance at getting the product is to turn to counterfeits. I found examples of women who had their lips superglued, lips "turned to goo" and burned to blistering, throat closures, women with stys, contact dermatitis, eye infections. I think we as a society turn a blind eye to this problem because we think "hey, if youre buying counterfeits for a discount and you get hurt you deserve it." We imagine idiots buying products for 4 dollars from ebay or perusing Canal street for FEИTY beauty. But these counterfeits can be really convincing. I myself received a gift of a huda palette that I only recognized something was weird about it because I'd swatched it at sephora about five times earlier that month. The person who bought it for me actually paid MORE than the usual cost for the palette because it was advertised as a newer, better edition. The websites can be disturbingly similar. For instance Kylie Jenner's legitimate website is KylieCosmetics.com but you can find fakes at kyliecosmeticsshop.co.uk. These fakes can buy ad space and be one of the first sites that populate when you google the products instead of typing the legitimate site into the address bar. Counterfeits can also be bought and sold through third parties on websites like ebay, wish, and amazon. (My gift actually came from Amazon.)

[Netflix doc "Broken" ep "Makeup Mayhem" Corroborated by personal experience and google]

[is-that-another-soulmate-au]

Alright let's try this Soulmate body switch AU I'm also attempting this whole "make a tag" thing... bare with me, ive only actually used this app for like 4 days now im gonna go with "RayMakesSoulmates" for now... uhm, idk what else to go with uhhhhh yeah, names Ray btw...

Okay here we go. The idea of switching bodies is something a bit strange to me so let me make this work for me.

Basically it happens once a year after you either turn 17 or meet your soulmate. If its the latter then there has to be alot of turmoil and confusion on one side to trigger the first switch because it does not happen at the first encounter. However after the first encounter you'll sometimes have little blurry dreams that are in fact core memories of your soulmate. But theyre always too blurry to point out who's involved and sounds are too muffled to pin point any specific noises words or what have you.

Now, the dreams don't happen every night but they happen often enough that you are made aware that you have met your soulmate at some point recently.

So after Zuko visits the south and they begin their cat and mouse game around the world Zuko often has blurry dreams of white with black falling what he thinks is people screaming and what he knows is muffled crying. While Sokka has random dreams of what he thinks is someone moving away into the darkness and someone screaming out to them but he can't figure out what they're saying. Another dream he has is a blurry glow of bright blue and crying. There's also one that shows up more often than the other two, its when he sees what he believes is someone moving towards him saying something, but its muffled, then a bright light and muffled screaming and crying.

However after Ba Sing Se Sokka has a dream that's clear and vivid, not muffled and not blurry. After he takes a moment from shooting up to a sitting position he realizes that this is not a dream, he's switched bodies. Standing up and moving the blankets off of him he looks around and sees the there are fire nation items everywhere, it looks like he's in a royal bedroom. He elects to keep calm as he moves towards where he thinks is a bathroom, he is correct and when he looks into the mirror he freezes. His heart drops into his stomach. Sokka can hardly believe what he's looking at. Staring back at him is not his face, but Zuko's. He reaches up to touch the scar on Zuko's face. While yes he has control over his body and he doesn't exactly know how to act 'firenation' let alone 'fire nation royalty' he stands straight. "This won't last longer than 3 hours." He reminds himself

"What won't last longer than three hours?" Azula's voice breaks through

Instantly on edge and irritated Sokka- ahem Zuko turns to Azula "what do you want Azula?" He says in a voice thats much less irritated, theyre siblings right? So they have to be chummy right

"Oo! You sound so much less angry!" She muses "disgusting, anyways, Mai wanted me to let you know she's leaving today"

Why would he care about that? Oh they must be friends? Maybe they're dating? Okay, don't screw this up "uh, okay"

"Aw don't be so sad Zuzu~ you two would have never worked out anyways, her and Ty Lee switched bodies just three days ago. It was honestly was kind of amusing watching her string you along" This is not how siblings normally talk to eachother. He just glared at Azula "alright alright sheesh, ill leave you alone" he found something to write on and quickly jotted down the conversation because if he was given that information Zuko would need it.

Meanwhile Zuko shot awake and found himself lying next to appa Katara and Aang, so he is alive huh? Confused he figured he must be dreaming until he realized his vision was clear and nothing was muffled. He was below deck on a fire nation ship. He paused a moment before he stood and noticed Sokka's boomerang beside him. He lifed it and saw Sokka in the reflection. His reaction seemed to mirror(haha get it) Sokka's when he saw Zuko in the mirror. But he dropped the boomerang and it made a loud bang which woke the other two up "Sokka what are you doing, the sun is barely up"

He paused and cleared his throat. Okay, sure he's been chasing them he needs to not blow this "uh, sorry, nightmare"

Katara shifted and turned to him, a genuine look of worry in her eyes "do you want to talk about it?" She asked in a tone that reminded him of his mother. Genuine love.

He forced himself not to tear up at the memory and just shook his head "no, I honestly can't remember it. Just scared me is all" the hesitation in Katara's expression before she responded was strange to him

"Alright, if you say so, do you mind going and asking dad to change the course? We need to stop and get supplies"

His hesitation and expression probably made her realize what happened "okay, youre not Sokka right now are you?" He froze and nodded slowly "alright, you dont have to tell me who you are, but I'll help you through the motions, Aang and I switched back in Ba Sing Se, that was the day when you questioned why I said I'd fly around, er- or that was when Sokka questioned me" okay she was a little more accepting of this than he thought.

"Uhm, okay, yeah, right, uhm, I don't want to blow this so can you just uh show me around? I'm sure Sokka knows all the people he's- oh agni he's gonna meet my dad" zuko internally cringed.

In that moment it seemed to click with Katara "alright, so you're telling me your Zuko"

Zuko flinched and backed up against the wall "look I dont know what you want me to do about this, but I promise you that I'm not going to ruin anything, I know I messed up, hell Sokka's probably noticing that my family doesn't work like yours does. I've been so confused my whole life okay, I'm sorry I betrayed you in Ba Sing Se, my sister has a way of manipulating me. I just hope he doesn't get hurt, he probably doesn't know he needs to keep his mouth shut in my family." Zuko was panicking when Katara reached out

"Zuko, zuko what do you mean?" Her voice shaky

"Look I cant tell you everything, I cant tell you my life story not right now, I need to get through with this. If we meet again, which I hope we do, ill tell you then. But right now, please just show me what Sokka goes through day to day. I know he's not gonna like what happens on the other end, I just hope it doesn't go too bad."

Katara nodded "alright well. Let me walk you around and let you learn the peoples names, ill just say hi to them and say their names." She paused "but first, tell me about your mother, i dont know if I believe it anymore"

He sighed before telling her the entire story.

Meanwhile at the palace Sokka was sitting in a war meeting knowing to keep his mouth shut unless spoken to. He didnt want to set people off or let them know he wasn't actually Zuko. The topic of the earth kingdome came up and Ozai turned to him "Zuko, you've spent time among the Earth kingdom citizens. What information do you have?"

"Uh, the Earth kingdoms citizens are strong willed and hopeful, as long as they have hope they will not yeild"

"Hmmm, I see, we need to crush their hope"

"Well, thats not what I-"

"I think we should take their precious hope and burn it to the ground!" Azula cuts in

"Yes, yes good idea Azula" Oh no

About an hour after the meeting the switch flipped, Sokka made notes about everything that he found important in time before the switch was over.

After they switched back Sokka found his sister and grabbed her shoulders "Katara, I have to tell you something, I just got back from a body swit-"

"And your soulmate is Zuko? I know, he cried when I was nice to him, what happened on your end?"

"Well, his whole family is mean to him"

"Figured"

"I was in a war meeting and found out their plan for the comet"

After relaying the information he found they discussed it with Aang.

Let's skip ahead to after the failed invasion and to the air temple when Zuko shows up.

"Hello, Zuko here"

No fighting it in this one

"Get your jerk bender butt over here" Katara and Sokka said practically in unison.

>im gonna wrap it up here. And yes Katara would notice its not Sokka and would totally pick up on Zuko, she's observant

>and no Azula wouldn't notice at all because she's used to Zuko being stand offish with her. Plus Sokka is so much better at impersonations than Zuko

@chaoticidiott @roman-does-nothing @bisexuallsokka @transzukostanblog

I dont know if I did this AU justice, I tried.

[anime-pro-shitposter]

I watched Ep 11/12 of shadow house and I have thoughts and Opinions: Spoilers ahead

I thought it finished airing but it didn’t so yay im not so late

Most thing I’m so happy about is the growth of kate.. I’m beyond delighted when i see that little child do things and search which is kind of ironic cuz we cant actually “see” her.. plus all of the other kids and how they have their own distinct personalities i just want the best for them seriously. just really i love them all and i want to hug everyone..

Now with the big stuff/ recap moment:

this scene caused me actual pain.. in this scene exactly it hit me how much growth kate went through.. kate completely understands emilico now and loves her for who she is.. she is trying to find balance and meaning in her very confusing world and what she really wanted is a friend and someone to lift her up not a servant because she is complete on her own.. and thats what emilico taught her with offering her all the love and just PURE PURE KIDS

those two though are what i think gives more flavor to the show.. john is unlike all the other masters in my opinion.. it is true that everyone is different but john especially is there for a fun time and only fun time.. the idiot didnt notice that shaun is different until kate mentioned it and then in a split second started throwing hands. iconic behavior and attitude towards life. shaun is just shaun and he’s amazing.

and just the way that true genuine connection between the masters and their living dolls gets them back when poor emilico had to drink 5 liters of water😭

now to the Serious scary stuff:

this world is so intriguing im so interested in knowing more considering the 10810 things i dont know or mightve not caught but:

1- knowing that living dolls aren’t actually living dolls is still shocking even when i wasn’t convinced in the existence of living dolls in the first place honestly of how human emilico felt? she even kinda hinted at that before btw if i can remember.. ALSO HER REACTION OF ASKING FOR A MIRROR PURE BABY..

2- Watching It Unfold and How They Took the Children that was Terrifying to say the least cuz oh my god these shadows actually control everyone. i wonder tho the two who went to take them were they shadows and they can Not Shadowfy? themselves? or were they “living dolls” of their masters?

3- where did shadows even come from why did the grandfather know all this why did he make it? money? then why the power games? what are they ruling? idk its confusing but i will wait for explaining..

4- and this is the most interesting to me.. the way soot is being explored is AWEOSME! it can shape, it can control minds, it can even give life as implied!! it can make things!! it takes shapes and those shadow masters emit it! it goes away with water!! IT CAN CHANGE VOICES!! implying maybe controlling particles or sth??? idk?? just sooo interesting truthfully. is it like a huge power one wishes to take? can shadows choose not to be shadows? are they just soot? why is the word soot in japanese so adorable its susu or sth its so much fun… anyways i want to know more and hope to see how kate will practice cuz clearly louise did.

i want to talk more about this but ill wait for ep 13 and idk maybe rewatch the whole thing if i was curious enough..

5- edward gets on my nerves and not in a good way i wanna step on his shoes and maybe give him another suit cuz yellow isnt his color.. what is his objective i got very lost what privileges would he get in the 3rd floor? is he aware he’s human? what does a person close to the grandfather get??? u know!! anyways emilico is an idiot and this scene made me laugh she’s literally high on dopamine or sth..

also one more qu.. who in the fucks name are those two?

thank you for reading babes and cant wait for ep 13

[bokuroaka]

hi! can i ask how u made ur carrd like what are the settings? ty!

omg YES i love carrd making hi anon. if there’s anything specific u want just lmk!! under the cut bc its long... i make most of my carrds on desktop so this is very desktop based.... to all of u who do ur carrds on mobile honestly kudos i cld never

uhm also when i say long like this is v long bc i added a lot of reasoning to my settings n tips that i’ve picked up on making carrds (plus the screenshots) i hope it helps tho ^_^ apologies if u knew most of this stuff tho bc i explained... everything...

some notes before we get in: for colors i usually just base everything off the sidebar image and use a color picking website (i use this one) to get the the html codes for colors. the site i use also generates a palette which i also use! ur free to use anything tho obv. the font i used is “inter” 

1. ok first here are my page settings! i wont include my animation settings now ill leave that to the end.. these r rlly the only settings that i’ve changed so i’ll just post these.

ok i dont rlly change much except for these two, the position is set to top not center (which is the default) b/c esp w carrds like the one i have now i dont like the header portion moving depending on the height of the container underneath... does that make sense? that’s just super nitpicky of me LOL but if u do end up making the carrd n playing around w the settings u’ll see what i mean

the width is set to 22 bc i like small carrds! play around w this as u see fit, i also change it depending on how it looks like in mobile (im very thorough lol) if ur wondering how u can do that on desktop, its this phone looking icon on this bar on the top right of the screen: (the 6th icon!)

the next pic is also default settings except my spacing is set to 0. i’ll explain why later! the alignment also doesnt really matter w/ this carrd. u can play around with it tho!

2. this is for the home page!

first i’ll explain how this is set up: the title box and the box under it (i’ll call it info box) are both containers! here is why i put set the spacing to 0 earlier: if u put 2 containers theres going to be space btwn them and to achieve this kind of look (ig) i just set the page spacing (in the page settings) to 0. however this means that everything is going to be pressed up against each other so i usually just add dividers (which are transparent [color code is #96969600]) i wont post a screenshot bc the settings r default, except for the margins which u can play around with to see what works for u (it’s set to 0.375 for me rn)

here are my settings for the title box 

most of these r pretty standard except for the padding and border. the reason why i didnt tick the bottom part is bc of the container w all my info underneath. both containers have borders so the bottom & top border of those containers wld just merge n create a thicker border which isnt what i was looking for... anyway.

then i just add a text element & just write my title! idt my settings for that r relevant so i wont add it (the text size is 0.875)

next is the info box! here are my settings: 

btw this is a container with columns!! those can look p wonky on mobile so make sure to have these settings on so that they wont look awful on mobile!!

oh also i wont post a screenshot of my text settings (text size is 0.75 + line spacing is 1.25) if ur wondering how i changed colors for some of the text the format is basically just [text]{#color} 

for the image size i set the width size to full (or full column) that depends on u (and how much text u put in the info part) i just prefer how it looks like when the image width is set to full bc that way no part of the image is cut off... really depends on u and what image ur using though so just play around w/ it!!

and in terms of spacing, i have a divider on top of the title box b/c otherwise the whole thing is just too high up for my taste

ok now to explain the header part and how i got my title/info box to stay “fixed”

so... im ngl. i dont understand how the header function works (help) so uhh i wont go as into detail here. but what worked for me is adding a header marker (the plus thing on the bar > control > change section break to header marker) right after the info container, then adding a section break (this one is called #wala bc wala here means ‘nothing’ in bisaya lol) and a transparent divider right after it. i hope its visible in the pic... anyway this is the only method i found that makes the carrd work lmao. it rlly doesnt matter what u name the #wala section break bc its not gonna show up so u might as well just use a keysmash

3. the extra info!! (extra, interests, byf)

this section will b shorter compared to the first two LOL anyway. first i started off w a section break (#usa which means 1 in bisaya hehe), then a transparent divider for spacing, and then a container! theres nothing fancy abt this container it has the exact same settings as the info box above so u can just duplicate that container and change the container type from columns to default.

then just add ur info and ur done!! repeat w whatever extra info u want to add (i only had 3 to add so it looks like this for me)

4. oh before i forget, these are my animation settings!! (page > the triangle thing)

u can preview the on load animation by clicking the triangle button on the top right bar, but for the on section change animations u have to save then preview it on ur carrd itself :/ kinda annoying but yeah... i usually never set anything above 0.5 seconds for on section change animations bc im impatient LOL 

these r completely optional tho... i just think animations make the carrd look smoother & more fun!

thats it i think! here are some tips i have

1. this tip is abt how carrds can differ when on mobile! i sometimes fiddle around with the mobile settings to make sure my carrd looks the way i want it to on mobile! bc mobile sometimes fucks up the spacing and it annoys me LOL... example here: 

u can find these settings if u scroll down a bit on the page settings and switch mobile from auto to manual (like in the screenshot) most of the settings i dont touch except the size setting, i just fiddle around w it and see how my carrd looks in the mobile view until im satisfied

2. this isnt rlly necessary but its smthn neat i picked up! if u check ur section break settings and check hide footer u can get rid off the “( made with carrd )” text on the bottom! i think it just makes the carrd look a bit neater, esp since the page spacing is set to 0 so it might look a little squished under the container...

3. i like to use all elements of my carrd efficiently (ig? heres the engineering major jumping out) and idk if u noticed, but if u click on the title (”it has always been once for me”) or the image (which is... of tbz..) it actually takes u back to the home page ^^ idk i just think small things like that r neat 

thats it for real!! i hope this wasnt too much of a hassle to read or follow through, and if u have any questions dont hesitate to dm me or send me an ask, even if we arent mutuals!! i hope u have fun making this carrd <3

[mostlikelyshutup]

thoughts while watching the first harry potter:

listen i started this list a little late im ngl but notable thoughts so far are me thinking of dumbledore as a gay idiot and still loving hagrid

do you think hes speaking in parseltongue in the zoo when hes speaking to the snake

forgot boats existed

these idiots do scream a lot dont they

i forgot how light hearted this universe really is in the first couple movies

yer a wizard harry, okay hagrid maybe slide him into it a little better

we get it tuney you have fucking trauma, doesnt mean you should abuse a child

hasnt everyone had their name down since they were born, hagrid? theres a list

i like that his umbrella is pink

are you paying for those damages hargid? stop taking the door off the hinges

though, if the dursleys are, keep breaking shit

speaking about dragons on the the fucking tube, its a miracle harry didnt get in trouble with the ministry sooner

what is hagrid's usual? does anyone know???

fucking Quirrell, cant wait for your epic love story with the dark lord

maybe we should tell the 12 year old how the fuck everyone knows his name, just maybe

they do a great job of getting the wonder down pat

how much money and licensing do you think it took for them to get all these owls on set

ahh yes, antisemitism the bank

how many vaults are in gringotts?? also if harry's vault is the potters vault, a literal like sacred 28 family, one of the original families, and its number 600 something, how many were there before the potters?? did the potters get a vault recently? or is this james and lily's vault?? how rich were james and lily if so??

look at ollivander, crazy tinker uncle, love him

this might be the socialist in me but why do people have to pay for wands if everyone needs one??

why is the dark lords twin wand just sitting around on the shelf, ollie me boy??

do you think thats Harry's true wand or do you think thats because of the horcux thing?? do you harry had to get another wand after he died?? did he? i dont remember the last movie

is ollie me boys actor wearing contacts or are his eyes just like that??

thats a very weird way of showing Halloween 81, very misleading

hagrid said ill predict voldys rise in the first movie so we can have some plot development

hagrid is late to everything isnt he? i can feel it in my bones

i swear ive seen these movies, and ive even read the first book, i just dont remember shit

youd think theyd have someone in the know stationed close to the entrance for the platform, for any muggleborns

ginnys actress really had no fucking lines in this movie did she, just had to stand there

oh wait she said good luck

amazing work ginny

ooh a warm filter

can muggles see the express? like just running from london to scotland

wicked!

you didnt have to show the woman the sad sandwich ron

i think the trolly replenishes magically, i think thats how thats how that works, i want to believe that

god i cant tell if i would love or hate hermione, shes pretentious but so was i at that age

god dont fucking point your wand right in someones face mione

how does mione know who harry is?? why does she care?

look at the tiny first years, might just go and pinch theyre cheeks

MINNIEEEE i love you minnie

looking stunning minnie, the green brings out the sternness in your brow

you go minnie, give your speech, thats my head of house

shut up draco, youre not bond

you pretentious fuckwit, your hair is brassy anyways

if this is a class of kids born in the middle of a war, how big are the usual class sizes wtf

THE FUCKING CLAP

fucking propaganda ron, you slytherin hater

what order are these names going in, did they just randomized the list

oooh we get quiet for the boy who lived, jesus let him keep living

the fact that for the rest of these people its just silent is so fucking funny to me, Harry's just fucking whispering to himself

get their attention minnie

me dads a muggle, mums a witch, bit of a shock for him when he found out

NICK, love to see you buddy

i have no emotional attachment to peeves but i feel i should mention him here

the stairs still piss me off, why the fuck would you make moving stair cases

who sets out gloves for the next day? am i the weird one who doesnt??

Minnie, you are the love of my life

shut up snape you dramatic bloodpurist incel

i know theyre setting him up to be mistaken as the villain but jesus christ hes still an asshole

your robes Neville, you forgot your robes

its weird how they have to learn all these latin charms yet only have to say up to get their brooms to work

why wont you go after him, hes obviously not exactly in control, Hooch

does Hooch only teach first years? she is quite literally the equivalent of a history teacher who coaches football

what the fuck is Quirells classroom

they dont make the house teams because no first years can try out, Ron

MINNIE PLAYED QUIDDITCH?!?!? WHY DIDN'T I KNOW THIS

why didnt you speak up earlier Mione wtf

bc the fire wont give you away, harry, better hide

FLUFFY, WHOS A GOOD BOY

they have much worse things locked up in the school, Ron

Oliver wood is a bloody liar because i still dont fuckign understand quidditch, also theres like 500 rules, wtf

thats a shitty explanation of how the game works, Oliver

BLOW IT UP SEAMUS

SHES TWO FEET BEHIND YOU RON YOU IDIOT

carrot cake? on halloween?

dont shrug as if you didnt literally bully her ron

thought youd oughta know, bit of an understatement Quirell

no duh the trolls left the dungeon ron

lying: the best start to any friendship

we're at a net zero points for gryffindor for the year at the moment

the amount of interaction these kids have with professors is so weird to me, is this what small class size do to kids?? its weird

not comforting Oliver

Okay i understand Oliver simps now, I get it okay

are there no backups or subs for quidditch? feels like there should be, like of all the games

set him on fire mione, i know hes not the villain of the movie but god he sucks

fancy flying from harry fucking potter

okay but also i feel like there are some things we should not trust hagrid with, like hes not that great at keeping secrets

why is harry excited about christmas if he thinks hes not getting presents? i knw there are other aspects but like thats the only reasont o get up early

i always remember this scene at night for some reason??

not just an invisibility cloak, THE invisibility cloak ron

btw who gives it to harry? is it remus? is it dumbledore? is it like an inheritance thing? whats up with that?

there are jumpscares in harry potter

he very much can hide, filch

stop being a narc mrs norris

does harry even know what his parents look like at this point? how does he know who the fuck is in the mirror of erised?? he doesnt have that stupid scrapbook yet does he

oh they nod, sure lets clear up that plot hole

they shouldve put sirius and remus in the mirror in that scene, shown his whole family, wouldve been a nice setup

how does rupert grint already look so tired as a twelve year old

big speech to give to a twelve year old Dumbledore, when you wont even tell him what you see

Emma really does just slam that book on Daniels hand, thats mustve fucking sucked

the fact that ive watched two movies that had Nicholas Flamel in two very different roles this year is very strange to me

well thats probably on account of it being a fucking dragon egg hagrid, now isnt it?

was hagrid a hufflepuff? i think he was, maybe a ravenclaw

yes four, you blonde idiot

that shot is really nice, it sets them apart

what happened to filch to make him such a miserable man?

ooh mention of werewolves, awooo werewolves of london

yeah just dip your whole hand in hagrid, dont be scared of the strange liquid, take a nice little bath

i loev that dog, i want that dog, i want to hug that dog

god just the look of that forest is so bloody cool

wait so is that quirell walking fucking backwards?

maybe ask who the fuck youre talking to before asking other questions??? wtf harry

why are yout talking to the centaur like hes your old friend harry, youve literally never met him before

snape doesnt want the stone at all Harry

god hagrid you sweet stupid man

snape is completely valid for that, if a twelve year old ever looked at me like that i would punch them

Do you think people ever loose invisibility cloaks? like theyre invisible do you think they ever just never get found again

i hate the look of the dog spit, that is so gross

they really left everything in except for the fucking potions didnt they, damn

harry potter walked so queens gambit could run

hermione, posted up

rons stupid in the later movies because he got a concussion as a twelve year old

god harry really posted up to beat up snape in fucking khakis

"I knew you were a danger to me!" Hes twelve, Quirell

let me wait for this weird dude to unravel his head scarf instead of running away

the magic in this movie is real fucking conditional isnt it

just some casual necromancy for the stone? you sure about that voldy, you two faced bitch?

let me choke out this twelve year old real quick

oh yeah why is he able to just avengers endgame Quirell? is there an answer to that? like was that ever found out

do you think voldy passing by him while he hold the stone actually killed him but since he holds the stone hes functionally unkillable and then some magic gets put into him and thats why he can return to life later when he actually goes to the whole afterlife place?

ohhh we're vouching on the blood magic for the endgaming of Quirell

do you think dumbledore came across the vomit flavored bean before or after his sister died?

Mione's got a headband! Looking snazzy!

how did Hufflepuff only get 352 points? Gryffindor literally lost 150 points this year and they only beat them by 50, wtf, is it because they kept getting caught with weed

I wont even speak on the fucking outrage that is this point awarding, its already been spoken on. However, Neville shouldve gotten more points

What if someone just stood up and started challenging Dumbledores math, that would be so funny

some of these extras are really attractive

but james potter is somehow so fucking ugly why did they do that to my mans

hagrid deserves the last shot of this film, i love him, he deserves everything, that stupid sweet man

[trensu]

Episode 46: The One with All the Yunmeng Bros Angst

gross, ouyang and yao are talking. let’s ignore them!

blah blah plot plot blah

ooh thank god, wwx is now the one talking

being all detective-y and asking relevant questions

I LOVE MY SUNSHINE BOY WHEN HE'S BEING CLEVER

wwx makes some Plot Relevant Point and yao is like I DISAGREE bc ofc he fucking does

LOL WWX'S FACE WHEN YAO INTERRUPTS LIKE THAT

IT'S LIKE HE'S BITING DOWN ON HIS TONGUE TO NOT SNAP SOMETHING BACK

kudos to him on his self-control tbh but it's wasted on yao. 

wwx is all asking things like why are you ladies fessing up now, oh and btw that's a real neat bracelet you got there...

and then nhs is like, gee i wonder what kind of person would've sent these ladies here today

LOLOLOL NHS IS SUCH A TROLL OMG

and yao is like DETAILS DON'T MATTER, WHAT IS CRITICAL THINKING ANYWAY LET'S GO MURDER FOR JUSTICE AGAIN

and everyone else is like, HEY, THIS LOUD GUY HAS A POINT LET'S GO MURDER

okay, they don't actually say anything about murder but they're harping about "justice" 

The last time they did that, it resulted in murder so i'm gonna go ahead and assume this time isn't any different

lwj: many skeptical points remain

THANK YOU, LWJ, FOR BEING SENSIBLE

oh, and i would like to point out that the crowd had been getting rowdy 

but the minute lwj interjected there they all fell silent

My guy didn't even raise his voice and was able to shut up a whole room full of people.

I LOVE YOU HANGUANG JUN

lqr: what are they?

wwx: SO MANY. 

wwx makes some Points and is like so we got some witnesses now but where's the HARD EVIDENCE GUYS??

and yao is like, whatever, we'll find it sooner or later now that we know THE TRUTH

and wwx's reaction lolol

it's like oh my god how stupid is this guy, that's not how it works, that's not how ANY of this works

I FEEL YOUR PAIN, WWX, I FEEL IT IN MY SOUL

ppl are blabbering Plot Stuff

i'm just gonna enjoy the occasional shots of wwx and lwj's beautiful faces

blah blah blah plot plot plot blah

gosh, my boys are so pretty

LOOK AT THEM BEING PRETTY, I LOVE THEM

(i say as the crowd devolves into vicious mob mentality)

wwx's had enough of this and turns to leave bc angry mobs are old news at this point

And we all know how he ended up last time there was an angry mob

but yao and some rando interrupt his exit as if they have ANY RIGHT to speak to my sunshine boy at all

Eventually we DO escape sword hall and the mob of stupid people and our boys are alone together wandering lotus pier!!!

they're reviewing Plot Info and bouncing ideas off each other and IT'S BEAUTIFUL, THEY'RE SO SMART AND IN LOVE

They determine that they don't have enough clues to say who the mysterious 3rd party is

but they def have enough evidence showing jgy murdered nmj and is generally an evil conniving bastard.

lwj mentions that he's going to send word to his brother to be careful since jgy is EVIL FOR SURE NOW.

oooh, our boys just came upon the jiang clan's ancestral shrine

wwx freezes, eyes red-rimmed and shiny, MY POOR SUNSHINE BOY

lwj: what's wrong?

ALL OF HIS ATTENTION IS GLUED TO WWX'S EVERY MOVE ALL THE TIME, ISN'T IT??

SEE HOW INTENTLY HE LOOKS AT WWX??

me too, lan zhan, me too

wwx: nothing. it's the ancestral hall of the jiang clan

he says this softly, like it hurts to acknowledge it or smth

lwj: do you want to enter?

wwx: no

WHICH IS A BLATANT LIE

EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM IS SCREAMING HOW MUCH HE WANTS TO GO IN THERE

they make to turn away and pause for a moment, during which wwx looks back at the shrine longingly

cut to the next scene where we see wwx burning some incense sticks in the shrine

AND OUR BOYS BOW TOGETHER  3x TO M-YU, JFM, AND JYL

wwx greets his deceased loved ones solemnly

wwx: it's me. i'm here to disturb you again.

idk about m-yu and jfm, BUT JYL WOULD NEVER THINK WWX'S PRESENCE WAS A DISTURBANCE

now wwx is telling lwj about how he used to spend a ton of time in that shrine bc m-yu would punish him by sending him there to, idk, reflect on his sins before the ancestors or smth

and lwj is like, yeah, i heard about that

then wwx comments on how he's never met a woman as irritable as m-yu, and how she punished him for trifles all the time

then he laughs bashfully and says "my fault, my fault" and bows another 3x bc omg wwx you can't speak ill of the dead, especially not at their shrine

this is a nice moment between them so far, actually. 

it's nice to hear wwx reminisce in a way that's not 100% painful

and the fact that he's sharing these little bits of inconsequential info with lwj, his soulmate, is just very sweet to me

lwj: won't you tell jc?

wwx: idk. at least not yet

lwj: after all, you two are sworn brothers

it's nice of lwj to acknowledge that, without any sort of rancor in his tone, considering how much he does not care for jc (to put it mildly)

wwx: since the misunderstanding between us is so deep, it's not that easy to solve

HE SOUNDS SO RESIGNED, AND THE LITTLE SMILE THAT FLASHED BRIEFLY THERE WAS JUST SO SAD

and then he's like, besides, I created Plot Device 2, regardless of whether or not jgy ended up using it to make Plot Device 3

UH OH, HERE COMES JC

jc: wei wuxian

OH GOD, CAN HE PACK ANY MORE BITTERNESS AND VENOM INTO THAT NAME??

wwx stands immediately when he hears jc call, he doesn't look at him tho

lwj stands a beat after as jc enters the shrine

jc: you still take yourself as one of the jiang clan? come and go at any time you like, then bring people here when you wish. Do you remember whose house this is? who's the owner?

YIKES

THAT ONE HURT.

and wwx just takes it

wwx: i didnt take hanguang jun to any confidential places in Lotus Pier. i just brought him here to offer some incense to clan leader jiang and madam yu.

he's so submissive here and not even in a fun way

it’s in his posture and tone of voice, even in how he still doesn't look directly at jc...it makes me sad

wwx: we're leaving

He tries to retreat bc he def doesn't want this this confrontation to happen 

jc: you really should kneel down to them, for coming to their presence to destroy the view and ruin their quiet.

DOUBLE YIKES. 

that one hurt EVEN MORE

and lwj, who had been following wwx's lead and staying quiet, intervenes

lwj: clan leader jiang, pay attention to your words

oh boy if looks could kill, jc would be dead as a doornail

he's like HURT MY SOULMATE AGAIN, I DARE YOU. JUST GIVE ME A REASON AND I WILL STRIKE YOU DOWN

which is pretty gutsy since jc is higher ranked than him, technically, as clan leader. 

AND they're both in jc's domain rn!

jc: what did you say? i think someone else needs to watch his behavior

he's glaring at wwx's back and he's got a mean twist to his mouth that would be a smile if it weren't so cruel

jc: you have already been kicked out of our family. how dare you enter and face my parents and my sister?

STOP HURTING MY SUNSHINE BOY

wwx is just accepting this. he's just accepting all these cruel things with his eyes downcast and submissive

BC IT HURTS AND HE BELIEVES HE DESERVES IT

lwj: jiang wanyin

HOLY SHIT

lwj fucking HISSED that name

and he took a VERY MENACING step towards jc

MY GUY

MY GUY, YOU CAN'T ATTACK A CLAN LEADER

ESPECIALLY NOT IN HIS OWN HOME

LIKE, I TOTALLY GET WHY YOU'D WANT TO RN, AND, Y'KNOW, I'M NOT THE MOST POLITICALLY SAVVY PERSON AROUND

BUT THIS JUST SEEMS LIKE A BAD IDEA ALL AROUND

thank god wwx is there

wwx stops him, pressing the palm of his hand into lwj's torso (!!!!!)

wwx: lan zhan. lan zhan, let's go

he practically whispers this, head bent down, AGAIN SUPER SUBSERVIENT

but jc is looking for a fight and he's not letting go until he gets one, apparently

jc: go as far as you can. i don't want to see you AWFUL PEOPLE again before my dead family

wwx just halts in his steps.

he had been all prepared to go after taking that tongue lashing that he thinks he's earned, but at that he takes a deep, fortifying breath bc jc crossed a line

he purses his lips a moment before turning to finally face jc head on

wwx: jc, scold me as you like but not the others (aka LWJ)

oooh, but that was the wrong thing to say to jc right now bc jc goes off on a VERY PAINFUL rant

he's like, oh, i should be nice to lwj? don't you remember that MY PARENTS WERE KILLED AND LOTUS PIER FELL bc you just HAD to play hero and save lwj?? and it wasn't enough! you HAD to play hero and SAVE THE WENS too, which killed my sister!!

oh he's getting really mean here

he's like, how generous you are wwx! letting wn wander the entrance of lotus pier and letting lwj offer incense!!

the minute jc started his rant, wwx cast his eyes to the side, again just enduring everything jc is throwing at him

oh but now jc starts in on lwj again

he's like, lwj, the great second jade, ignoring his reputation to side with wwx, your brother and uncle must be so proud

wwx: JIANG WANYIN!

wwx shouts at him

he's shaky and almost panting here.

wwx: apologize this instant.

jc: apologize? why should i? bc i insulted your great friendship?

THIS WHOLE ENCOUNTER IS A SHIT SHOW AND IT HURTS.

wwx just loses it here and grabs jc by the collar of his robes and gives him a shake

wwx: ARE YOU DONE?

and jc is still the little brother, you know, so obvs he does not back down here, he's not intimidated at all

jc: LET'S FIGHT THEN. should i be afraid of you two?

wwx's breath is all shaky and he's trembling and he would've given into jc's demands for a fight anyway but then he sees jyl's nameplate

and he must remember how upset jyl would get every time they fought

ME TOO, JYL, ME TOO. I HATE THIS, I HATE THIS, MAKE IT STOP

so he lets go of jc and stumbles back. he's looking very weak right now AND I’M VERY CONCERNED

lwj, obvs, catches him by the arm when he stumbles

lwj: wei ying

wwx: lan zhan, let's go

lwj agrees and the two of them turn and leave the shrine, lwj still gripping wwx's arm and providing support bc wwx is NOT looking good what’s happening to my sunshine boy, somebody fix this RIGHT NOW

BUT JC IS LIKE A DOG WITH A BONE BC HE JUST STORMS AFTER THEM, HE WANTS HIS FIGHT

he freaking leaps across the little lotus pond and lands before them, blocking off their exit

he starts antagonizing wwx, and he grabs wwx by the collar now, and again, wwx just takes it BUT LWJ DOESN'T

lwj slams his hand around jc's wrist (the one that's grabbing wwx), WRAPPING HIS FINGERS AROUND JC'S ZIDIAN, EVEN

lwj: let him go

holy crap. Stone Cold. LWJ'S STARE IS STONE COLD, AND HE TIGHTENS HIS GRIP ON JC'S WRIST

god damn, if lwj ever looked at me like that, i'd drop to the ground and beg for forgiveness. i'd be scared witless

when jc makes no move to let go of wwx, lwj releases his wrist and hooks his arm under jc's forearm and shoves upward to FINALLY break jc's hold on wwx

wwx stumbles at the force of it and his nose starts to bleed

MY POOR PRECIOUS SUNSHINE BOY LOOKS SO WEAK AND OUT OF IT!!

lwj looks at him, eyes wide with worry

lwj: wei ying!

even jc looks concerned (i would even say scared, tbh)

wwx reaches up and wipes his nose; he's not steady on his feet AT ALL

wwx: lan zhan, let's go.

lwj: okay

and he immediately starts to leave, practically dragging wwx with him bc wwx is barely able to stand at this point

lol, lwj shoulder checks jc as they walk past him

but jc is a stubborn bastard and brings out zidian and whips at their retreating backs

brief moment here to admire how FREAKING COOL THE ZIDIAN IS OMG,  

*GRABBY HANDS* I WANT ONE OF MY OWN SO SO BAD. 

IT'S A SNAKE BRACELET!! 

THAT TURNS INTO A WHIP!! 

A PURPLE WHIP!!! OF LIGHTNING!!!!!! 

LITERALLY NO ASPECT OF THIS WEAPON IS UN-BADASS

so jc whips purple lightning at them but the hit never lands bc lwj swings his still-sheathed bichen and bats that attack away like nothing

but as he does that, wwx starts to fall

lwj spins around and AUDIBLY GASPS, eyes wide with worry again, as he watches wwx lose consciousness. 

he dives forward and catches his soulmate in his arms and cradles him gently

jc doesn't see this happen and swings right back with another lash but wn swoops in out of nowhere to take the hit instead. 

AND HERE WE'RE GONNA GET THE BIG REVEAL OH GOD I'M NOT READY

jc is all who let you in, how dare you?? and whips wn again

BUT WN WILL NOT STAY DOWN, NO SIR

HE'S GOT STUFF TO SAY AND BY GOD, HE'S GONNA SAY IT

he offers up suibian to jc but jc whips him and sends him flying again

Wn gets right back up goes back to offering the sword to jc, DEMANDING HE UNSHEATHE IT

AND IN A FIT OF FURY JC PULLS AT THE HANDLE AND SUIBIAN COMES FREE

SHOCK, UTTER SHOCK ON HIS AND LWJ'S FACES

(also YIKES jc nearly sliced out wn's eyes with the force of his unsheathing of siubian. he obvs didn't expect anything to come of him pulling at the handle)

GOLDEN CORE TRANSFER REVEAL!!

FLASHBACK to wn's part of the story

we see wn holding an unconscious jc and wq is telling wwx to come out from where he was hiding behind a convenient boulder

and we see wwx give the go ahead to start the golden core transfer

back to the present, jc looks like his whole world is a lie 

bc it kinda is

I'm still kinda mad that wwx never told him anything.

like, i get why he didn't and i sympathize but informed consent in medicine and surgery is kind of a big deal!

and then omg, we got a close up shot of lwj's face

his eyes are wide and shiny and his jaw is dropped open just a bit. HE IS SHAKEN TO THE CORE 

HAHAHA GET IT? THAT THING WWX DOESN��T HAVE ANYMORE?? Oh god i’m sorry that was AWFUL

he turns his gaze back to wwx, who is still resting gently in crook of his arm

i love the camera angle here btw

the scene is at a slant, with the white of bichen's handle, and the white of the flowering tree behind them filling all of the right side of the screen

it makes the dark bundle of wwx and the dark flow of lwj's hair more stark

the slant of it really emphasizes how the whole of lwj's attention is on the man in his arms

And how his whole world is off its axis at this revelation

god lwj is really just letting his whole heart pour out of his eyes as he watches wwx

jc and wn are arguing loudly in the background but lwj makes NO INDICATION of hearing ANY of it

now we get to watch the emotional confrontation between jc and wn

lwj finally looks back at them when wn starts reciting details that no one outside of jc would have known unless they were there themselves

another flashback as wn describes everything in excruciating detail

oh this line gets me every time

wn: the reason you thought it was repaired was because of my sister, the best doctor in the wen clan of qishan, Wen Qing

WN LOVES HIS SISTER SO MUCH. HE WAS SO PROUD OF HER 

AND HE LOST HER. HE DOESN'T HAVE HER ANYMORE

GOD DAMN IT, SHOW, LET THESE BOYS KEEP THEIR SISTERS

and now we go back to lwj, gazing soulfully at wwx and a single tear rolls down his cheek as it really hits him what exactly wwx did, what wwx gave up

wn is going off on jc, like, didn't he ever wonder why wwx never picked up the sword again?

wn looks hardcore here tbh. 

we cut back to lwj, who is now holding bichen tightly, and boy, he's got his jaw clenched so hard.

at least until he looks back down at wwx, and his mouth softens as more tears drip down his face

flashback to when jc first found wwx after the burial mounds, and a series of flashbacks of every time jc brought up wwx's lack of suibian and wwx brushing off his questions

THEY SHOULD'VE JUST TALKED IT OUT, MY GOD, THEY COULD’VE SPARED ME ALL THIS PAIN IF THEY JUST TALKED 

another flashback to that time that jc pushed wwx and wwx fell hard to the ground and jc thought he was just drunk

I AM DONE WITH THESE FLASHBACKS, THX. CAN WE NOT, ANYMORE? IT'S HURTING TOO MUCH

and we also keep getting shots of lwj's face, STREAKED WITH TEARS

HE'S GOT A TEARDROP ON THE TIP OF HIS NOSE

ALL OF THIS IS PAINFUL

PLEASE STOP

oooh, lwj's mouth twists into a firm scowl and he slams bichen on the ground with a loud CLANG

this is too much for him too! he's furious, he's had enough of hearing how wwx suffered for jc

so he scoops up wwx, carrying almost all of his weight, as he walks the both of them outta there

wn leaves suibian with jc and tells him to have anyone else try to unsheathe it if he doesn't believe him

jc doesn't want it. he doesn't want it at all.

he desperately wants it to be untrue

AND I CRY A RIVER FOR MY YUNMENG BROS

WE'RE ON A BOAT NOW

UNCONSCIOUS WWX SPREAD BACK, HELD LOVINGLY IN LWJ'S ARMS

Now we get some lwj & wn bonding time where they discuss a-yuan! (after lwj promises not to tattle on wn to wwx)

AHHHHHHHHHHHH!! WE'RE GETTING A FLASHBACK FROM LWJ

LWJ IS ENTERING WWX'S LAB CAVE THING, ALONE, FRANTICALLY SEARCHING FOR WWX

lwj: on that day, when the wen clan were captured and killed, i went to the burial mounds to seek wei ying but discovered a-yuan instead

we see him find a-yuan, who is unconscious and clammy. 

lwj immediately drops to his knees beside him and checks his wrist, then presses the back of his hand to a-yuan's forehead

oh, lwj's hand is all roughened with dirt. That’s very striking, for some reason.

he purses his lips making a split-second decision, and scoops a-yuan up 

lwj: he was hiding there for so long that he had a fever and was severely ill

wn figures out that the fever is probs why lsz doesn't remember anything, and hasn’t mentioned wn at all. lwj looks surprised

lwj: didn't you tell him?

wn: about his birth origin? he's happy now. knowing too much about the past and remembering something heavy, would make him less happy than now

HE'S SUCH A GOOD PERSON

WHY DO THE BEST OF THEM HAVE TO SUFFER SO?

lwj: sooner or later, he will know

and wn doesn't deny it. he's like, yeah, sooner or later. just like master wei and jc with the golden core transfer.

at this lwj looks back down at wwx

lwj: is it painful?

the way lwj's throat bobs before he asks tho.

like he's forcing himself to ask, bc he needs to know even if he already suspects the answer. 

He needs to know even tho knowing will hurt. he's steeling himself against the pain already.

wn: what?

lwj: taking out the core, is it painful?

wn: you won't believe me if i say it's not, right?

lwj: i thought wq might have some method

he sounds desperate, hoping against all odds that it didn't hurt wwx as much as he suspects it did

and here wn explains that wq wanted to ease the process, make it less painful, but due to the nature of the procedure, she couldn't use any anesthetics

wn: the one who donates the core has to be awake the whole time

THE WHOLE DAMN TIME

HE HAS TO BE CONSCIOUS TO WATCH IT GET CUT OUT OF HIM AND EXPERIENCE THAT CONNECTION SLOWLY BE SEVERED OTHERWISE IT DOESN'T WORK

HOW MESSED UP IS THAT OMG, HOW MUCH TRAUMA MUST THEY PUT MY POOR SUNSHINE BOY THROUGH

lwj: awake?

HE SOUNDS HOARSE AS HE SAYS THAT

wn: two nights and one day. he has to be awake

MY SUNSHINE BOY, MY BEAUTIFUL SUNSHINE BOY SUFFERED SO MUCH

lwj's lips purse briefly. he's staring at his wei ying

lwj: at the time, what were the chances

wn: fifty percent

lwj looks at wn here with horrified disbelief

lwj: fifty percent?

wn proceeds to explain how wq didn't want to do it but wwx kept insisting that the odds were worth 

AND OH MY GOD LWJ FLASHES BACK TO THEIR FIRST CONFRONTATION AFTER THE BURIAL MOUNDS, WHEN THEY FINALLY FOUND WWX AFTER 3 MONTHS OF SEARCHING

IT HURTS JUST AS MUCH AS THE FIRST TIME AROUND

Wwx must have some sort of sixth sense for knowing when Emotional Discussions are Done, bc he regains consciousness only AFTER wn & lwj finish bonding lol

he sits up, head aching, and pulls himself from lwj's embrace

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY, BC LWJ OBVS DIDN'T MIND HAVING HIM THAT CLOSE

IN FACT even as he helps wwx sit up, you can see his hand trail up wwx's arm, grip loosening and tightening sporadically

He's def trying to prolong contact here, very reluctant to let go of his wei ying

wwx: lan zhan, how did we get out?

lwj: we had a fight

AND ~THEIR SONG~ STARTS PLAYING

wwx: i knew that jiang cheng wouldn't let me go that easily. so unreasonable.

and then he looks at lwj and hurries to assure him that jc didn't mean all those cutting remarks. that that's just how he gets when he's upset.

lwj looks off to the side, pressing his lips closed bc he couldn't care less about jc or jc's words. THEY MEAN NOTHING TO HIM

wwx covers lwj's hand with his own and very earnestly says: so don't take it seriously

BC HE HASN'T YET REALIZED THAT LWJ DOESN'T ACTUALLY GIVE A DAMN ABOUT JC'S ENTIRE EXISTENCE

lwj doesn't look him in the eye as he's told this, and his lips are still pressed together in a firm line. 

he probably doesn't actually want wwx to realize just how little jc means to him.

wwx notices they're on a boat on a lake now lol

wwx: i often played here with jyl when we were children

AND HERE HE HALLUCINATES HIS PRECIOUS BEAUTIFUL KIND AMAZING SISTER JYL

Jyl: a-xian come have some lotus seeds

WWX'S EYES REDDEN WITH TEARS AND HE CALLS OUT FOR HIS SISTER

AND I'M FIGHTING BACK SOBS

WHILE JYL'S SWEET GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS AND JYL SMILES WARMLY AT HER LITTLE BROTHER

wn snaps wwx out of it

ONLY FOR WWX TO FLASHBACK TO JYL CRYING AND SAYING THAT THEY'RE THE CLOSEST THREE IN THE WORLD

WWX LEANS HIS HEAD ON HER KNEE AND SULKS ADORABLY ABOUT HOW HE'S HUNGRY 

AND I WANNA DIE FROM ALL THE FEELINGS I'M HAVING

back on the boat, wwx eyes are still filled with tears and it's awful

wn is all, wwx what's wrong? and wwx shakes it off and just says he's hungry

so he yanks out some lotus pods from the lake and gives one to lwj and one to wn and one for himself

HE'S SMILING NOW, THANK GOD

wwx: it's perfect timing to be here now!

and he's happily tearing into the pod

I LOVE SEEING HIM HAPPY AND SMILING

SUCH LITTLE JOYS AND HE REVELS IN IT

I LOVE HIM SO MUCH

HE SHOULD ALWAYS BE HAPPY AND SMILING. 

NOTHING SHOULD EVER BE ALLOWED TO MAKE HIM SAD. NOTHING

lwj: wei ying

wwx: what

lwj: does this lake belong to someone?

LOL, HE GAVE THE POD A SUSPICIOUS LOOK BEFORE ASKING THAT AND HAS NOT TRIED GETTING ANY SEEDS OUT YET

wwx: of course not

HE SAYS IN A COMPLETELY NOT BELIEVABLE WAY

YOU CAN TELL BY HOW HE DOESN'T LOOK LWJ IN THE EYE AS HE RESPONDED AND KEEPS MUNCHING AWAY ON THE SEEDS AS A DISTRACTION

Lwj is watching like, yeah, i’m not buying it.

lwj: i heard that lakes here all have owners.

lolol wwx pauses in his chewing for a second and looks around guiltily for a bit before letting out a nervous laugh

wwx: hanguang jun, you really hear much, don't you? i didn't even know that.

he's looking at him all innocently and LWJ LOOKS BACK STILL NOT BUYING IT LOLOLOL

wwx looks away and then looks back, relenting

wwx: fine. 

HE'S ALL POUTY, IT'S ADORABLE, I LOVE HIM

he sulkily tells wn to get them moving

and sulkily tosses his lotus pod at the bottom of the boat

HE'S JUST HAVING A SULK-FEST RN AND IT'S SUPER CUTE, I'M ENJOYING IT A LOT

wn starts to get the paddles to get the boat going, when lwj suddenly leans over the side of the boat and snaps up a lotus pod

he very seriously offers it to his wei ying, who is watching him wide-eyed and surprised

lwj: only for today  

bc i just found out about your traumatic golden core transfer for your awful ungrateful little brother and i feel horrible that you suffered alone, he doesn’t say

bc i wish i could have done something to help but i couldn't so now i'm gonna steal you a lotus pod bc that's literally all i can do right now, he also doesn’t say

LOL

THE WAY THE CAMERA CUTS TO WN HERE CRACKS ME UP

WN IS JUST PASSIVELY MUNCHING ON A SEED AND WATCHING THAT EXCHANGE HAPPEN WITH HIS BIG BROWN EYES TAKING IT IN, WITH A VAGUE, "HUH, THAT'S INTERESTING" MANNER

wwx looks at the pod and then back at lwj before taking the pod with a nervous laugh

I am convinced that he had WAR-FLASHBACKS to that time drunk!lwj gave him roosters

He’s probably frantically trying to remember if lwj drank ANY alcohol earlier

TRYING TO CALCULATE THE CHANCES OF SOMEONE SLIPPING SOME ALCOHOL TO LWJ BETWEEN THEIR FIGHT WITH JC TO THIS BOAT ESCAPE LOLOLOLOL

he clutches that pod with both hands and gives lwj a pained smile 

The exact pained smile he had when he accepted the roosters that time

LMAO WWX TURNS TO LOOK AT WN, HIS BROWS ALL FURROWED IN CONFUSION LIKE, WN WHAT THE HECK IS HAPPENING, EXPLAIN WHAT'S HAPPENING RIGHT NOW

but wn just smiles cheerfully at him

cut to the next moment where we see the boat's floor is now littered with a bunch of lotus pods and wwx is happily munching on seeds, all smiley

BUT OF COURSE I'M NOT ALLOWED TO ENJOY HAPPY PEACEFUL MOMENTS EVER

SO A GLOWY GLITTERY MESSENGER BUTTERFLY APPEARS AND LANDS ON LWJ'S OUTSTRETCHED PALM

I mean, wwx giggled happily there for a moment there!!!!! WHY CAN'T THEY LET ME BASK IN THAT FOR ONE MINUTE, GOD.

anyway, the butterfly

wwx: the paper butterfly messenger from the jin clan?

(side note to say that the butterfly messenger is actually very pretty. i like it a lot)

wwx pats lwj on the knee after the butterfly flies away

wwx: what happened? what did it say?

Lwj’s like, jgy is in yunmeng now and my brother hasn’t responded to my message...

wwx: you worry jgy would harm him when desperate?

bc wwx can tell right away when lwj is worried. BC THEY'RE SOULMATES AND THEY KNOW EACH OTHER SO WELL

And then bc my sunshine boy is a GENIUS, he remembers the deed jgy had hidden away in the secret chamber, for Yunping City in Yunmeng

he excitedly tells lwj that this is where jgy will be

lol he was so excited he tipped himself over a bit and jostled the boat so lwj had to reach out to steady him

we cut to the next scene we see people dying fabrics and our boys wander through 

Wwx confirms with some random worker lady that they’re in the right place and tells lwj they should explore the city as a date for Plot Investigation Reasons

lwj nods in agreement and then wwx turns back to look at the lady and gives her THE SWEETEST SMILE, THE ONE THAT SQUINCHES HIS EYES CLOSED AND MAKES ME SWOON

BUT LOL LWJ SEES HIM SMILE AT THE LADY LIKE THAT AND IT NOT AMUSED BY IT AT ALL

oh god, just the way his eyes flick from wwx to the lady and how his lips firm up before he stalks off in a snit cracks me up

GREEN IS NOT YOUR COLOR, LAN ZHAN, I'M JUST SAYING

LET THE GUY SMILE AT ME, I MEAN AT PEOPLE. IT'S NOT A CRIME

wwx is confused by the reaction but hurries off after him

oh wwx, you dense idiot. you're lucky i love you so

now we see come random guys bully wn for no reason 😞

wwx tells them to back off but they don't listen and lwj very nonchalantly pulls out a talisman from his sleeve and offers it to wwx

wwx looks at the talisman and then back at lwj with SUCH A PLEASED SMILE

OMG I WOULD DO JUST ABOUT ANYTHING FOR HIM TO SMILE AT ME LIKE THAT

wwx: lan zhan, you even kept it until now?

AHHHHHH SO CUTE, I LOVE HIM

lwj doesn't respond but it doesn’t matter bc wwx does that squinchy-eyed smile AGAIN AND I DIE, I DIE

wwx activates the talisman which releases a whole bunch of glittery butterflies that distract the guys and allow wn to escape. 

omg guys, this is the same trick lwj used to distract wen chao and wen zhuliu to escape ages and ages ago WHICH MEANS LWJ HAS BEEN CARRYING A PIECE OF WWX WITH HIM ALL THESE YEARS AHHHHHHHHH

And after that wonderful, touching revelation, the episode ends.

SO, we had lots of depressing Yunmeng Bros Feelings that made me wanna die 

BUT we also at the end here get rewarded with MULTIPLE squinchy-eyed smiles from my most precious darling sunshine boy that made me wanna die but, like, in a good way

I WOULD ENDURE SO MUCH MORE FOR THOSE SMILE, NGL

Return to Masterpost

[autisticangus]

anyway im so out of the loop on the mcelboys

i pretty much only keep semi-up to date with Sawbones at this point, not cuz i dont still LIKE everything else, just a lot has been goin on in my life

if anyone wants a long and rambly update on All Of The Bullshit im gonna stick a read more down here, asks are open and its cool to message me abt any of it if u want cuz i have some really nice and cool followers/mutuals here that make me comfy talkin abt that shit

as far as the future of this blog goes i wanna start using it more again! the mcelroys have gotten me out of some really dark places before so i hope having more connection to this community and the people here and their content again will help me like it has in the past! ill probs post more general mcelroy content here than previously rather than just taz btw i just gotta fuckin uhhhhh,,,, catch up on a bunch of shit again before this blog is even semi active lmaoo but im like alive and on tumblr regularly again!!

Wow u clicked on this and wanna hear me talk? Ur awesome and sweet, thanks for caring!

These past two years have been extraordinarily tough. This is gonna be a pretty long and detailed post that deals with the sensitive topics of emotional abuse, abusive relationships, and alcoholism. Please read on with caution.

Back in March of 2019, so this was about 3-4 months after i left tumblr, I got a new boyfriend and things started out really good, he was kind of a "bad boy" and it was fun at first. Im kind of a goody-goody so it was very interesting for me at first to be with someone so different who had such different life experiences than me. I liked hearing his stories of living in a traphouse, and running with gangs, and selling drugs, and knowing people who had killed people. I assumed a LOT of it was lies, obviously, who just brags about that shit u know? I just rolled with it, didnt take it seriously, and found the imagined scenarios interesting to listen to. So much of it was obviously played up to make him seem cooler, and I shouldve seen that as the red flag it was, and all my friends did but I didnt. 

He had a serious alcohol problem, I mean I had coffee in the morning and he had 2 four lokos before noon. it was bad. about 6 months into the relationship he decided i was cheating on him with my ex who i had recently reconnected with, we missed being friends and things were really going well talking and being friends again, he was really important to me! but my boyfriend saw this as yet another thing i was doing wrong. when he decided i was cheating, that become his focus of alcoholic rage. nearly every time he got drunk, which was several times a week, he would accuse me of things, he would yell and scream, he would call me horrible names and make me cry for literal hours, he never hit me but that shouldnt even matter, i was emotionally battered and mentally bruised and everything hurt. he gaslit me into believing i said and did things i never said or did, i admitted to things that were not real, and then i was yelled at for admitting them. i didnt know what to do.

he was threatening my ex too, he would get drunk and say he knew where he lived (he didnt) or he knew what car he drove (he didnt) and explained to me many times that although he had never killed someone, people had been killed before at his command. he said a bullet in the back of my ex’s brain was just a phone call and $500 away. somedays he would tell me he was just going to do it himself, with a hammer, or a kitchen knife, or whatever weapon he could get his hands on during his explanation of how he would do it. my only option was to agree, to say it didnt matter to me what happened to him, i had to pretend my on

/ly concern was him going to jail for the crime, if i showed any sign that i didn’t want my ex murdered, it clearly meant i was cheating on him. 

i pretended to block my ex on social media to get him off my back and it worked a little bit but he still brought it up. and even if he didnt directly mention him, he would always tell me when he was drunk that i was the cause of all his problems, i was why he was so self conscious, i was why he drank so much, i was why he had to work so hard, i was why every single issue he had was happening. logically i knew it was wrong, but i was so conditioned to it by then that i just went with it. i knew that agreeing and apologizing made the fighting end quicker.

things spiraled this past summer. his job needed us to relocate so we moved like 4 states away, away from all my family and friends, and lived in a tiny hotel room for a month. during this time, his drinking was somehow worse. he was drunk literally every night but he was passing out so we didnt fight and i was relieved. i was depressed being stuck in the hotel room all day alone, but thankful i wasnt being abused at least. then he started getting into drunken fistfights with his coworkers in the hotel parking lot. one day he came home just in time to find one of his drunk coworkers trying to break into the room with me there desperately trying to keep him out. i was terrified and wanted to go home but he convinced me to stay. a couple weeks after that we travelled for his work again several more states away. his drinking got a little bit better here, but i was so depressed and lonely, i was so isolated, he was all i saw day in and day out besides his coworkers and i was nervous around them. one day the guy who tried to break in on me, purposefully, while drunk, hit another coworkers car and totaled it and tried to run the guy over and i saw the whole thing. a week later my boyfriend was also fired because he got so drunk he passed out in the hotel parking lot and the company needed to save face with the hotel after the whole car incident. 

so we travelled back home, but not my home, to his where we lived isolated on a mountain with no phone signal or wifi. the house was old and not well kept from being empty for several years, half the appliances didnt work. i was more isolated than i have ever been in my life. for 4 months i stayed there and just dreaded him coming home because i knew he would be drunk again and he'd yell or accuse me of things or otherwise belittle me. it was horrible. my friends all said to leave and my parents said to leave but i was so brainwashed into thinking that if i was just a good little housewife and if i just stayed home and did the dishes and the laundry that he would be nicer but he still found things to point at and say i was cheating. he was also becoming really controlling about my food intake and weight and i already struggle with an eating disorder so that just made me feel even more like i had to stay, my brain felt like if i wasnt under his watchful eye id gain weight again, like somehow it was thanks to him i had lost weight and not my own choices.

one day last week i expressed to him wanting to leave, saying how unhappy i was, i told him how sad i felt and how i didnt think we were such a good match. he didnt take me seriously, so the next day when he got sloppy drunk before 5 pm i packed a small bag and went to my moms. i was just gonna stay for a night or two but he called and screamed at me for leaving without telling him, i told him he just didnt remember me telling him because he was so drunk, and he accused me of not caring about his feelings and made me sound like the bad guy for leaving without his permission. i told him it was just for a few days but the angrier he got the more i knew i was in the right and told him i was done. i told him we were breaking up and id come get my stuff soon.

i got my stuff while he was at work this past weekend and moved in with my best friend. im safe and happy now. things are looking so much better for me and im so thankful to my friends and family who supported me all the way to the end.

i just wanted to make this post because, i know its not mcelroy related, and a lot of ppl probably dont care for stuff like this on this kind of blog, but i think its important.

its important to friends and family of people in abusive relationships to be steady. dont give up your ground. even if the person keeps pushing back and wont leave the person, keep being there for them, it can take a long time, it took me almost 2 years to leave, it takes some people even longer, but just stay there for them and be there for them when they finally make that step. dont give up on them.

and to those who have been in these kinds of relationships, and especially those who are there right now: it is not your fault. it is so, so hard to leave, i know, but please try to find help and support and resources to do it. if all your friends dont like someone, theres a good reason for it. please dont fall into the trap of thinking your friends dont have the best intentions for you. there are so many things you may overlook in the moment that others can see from a mile away are horrible. especially if you have been abused in the past. its incredibly hard to tell what is a red flag when your gut instinct is that anything and everything is a red flag. surround yourself with people who you can trust and listen to them

and trust me, i know how hard it is when youre stuck in that spot of KNOWING you should go but fearing that first step away. its scary. its difficult. but it is worth it. find someone safe you can be with. and if you arent sure, find a reason to leave for just a few days, an excuse, anything. give yourself space from the abuser, tell yourself youre going back in a couple days, just get out from under the thumb long enough to clear your head and things will make more sense with the fog lifted.

when i first got in my car and put my kitten on my lap and told her we were going to my moms for a couple nights, i didnt know if that was the truth. i planned to come back and i knew i didnt want to. i only took enough stuff for a couple days. i couldnt imagine my life changing so drastically. where would i live? how would i make money? who take care of me? i had no clue about any of those things. but after a couple days away I realized i would take care of me. i remembered that i had worked jobs before i was with him, i could do it again. i remembered that i had options of where to live. all of those things were so clouded when i was with him, they felt like impossibilities. once i was away, even just for a short time, things were so much easier to parse.

and i know i had many privileges in this journey not everyone is afforded, and my heart goes out to those who read this and are in this situation and the options i had just arent accessible to you, i am so sorry, i wish i had something more to offer you but all i have is my story, and a wish that it gives you some hope at the very least, and a promise that if you need someone to talk to, im here, i will listen, and you will be heard and loved.

i just want everyone who reads to take something small but important away from it. love your friends, love yourself. please stay safe. please dont give up. remember love should not hurt.

[melody-the-unwritten]

No Goodbyes {Tod & Melody}

In which two friend text during Nightmare Before Christmas, Even while battling nightmares.

Featuring Panic being an ass like normal

@hclyghcst

Tod Sionnach

mel if youre not inside go inside now

dont breathe in the fog

are you okay

Melody Oceana

oh god what's going on

i can't find anyone

Where are you???

Tod Sionnach

no idea. tiana’s place

its gonna be hard to see anyone  

you just have to go inside and stay far away from the doors and windows

Melody Oceana

i think i

(silence for prob 5 -10 min)

Tod Sionnach

mel?

melody?

(5 min) mel come on

(6 min) please say something

(8 min) please look at your phone

(10 min) hello? MEL?

- missed call -

(12 min) Where are you? Melody. Come on.

(15 min) please pick up

Melody Oceana

Hey this is Percy, I've got Melody

Tod Sionnach

Percy?

Is she okay??

Melody Oceana

Attina's fiance, Attina being Melody cousin

I mean I dont think anyone is 'okay' so you might wanna define what you're asking

who are you btw?

Tod Sionnach

terrible with names, im sorry. faces all that.

i’m asking why she isnt the one messaging me at the moment honestly.

friend. i’m a good friend just checking up on a friend doing good friend like things. kinda.

Melody Oceana

she's kind of passed out but physically okay

Yeah good friend things

Tod Sionnach

passed out???

trust me not the time to evaluate my feelings good sir

she’s probably experiencing some kind of nightmare. a lot of people are

Melody Oceana

Yeah she saw someone's face and kind of just passed out

it was a kid too, weird, either way i'm trying to help her dont worry

Tod Sionnach

Where are you  h??

a kid? a boy??

just keep her close then... i know she’s probably seeing something awful

Melody Oceana

yeah he was probably 14/15 ish

yeah yeah, im sure tina would kill me if i didnt

Tod Sionnach

I don’t know how much you know but I think I know who that is

it’s picking on her worst fears and manifesting them.

please keep an eye on her. are you  h somewhere safe?

Melody Oceana

good for you, you two can have a little gush session after

Hatters, so yeah we're fine, where are you? have you seen any of Melody's family?

Tod Sionnach

huh? no just loss. she’s seeing someone she’s lost.

just so you have some context

wait earlier did you say tina?

tianas. Attina is here

Melody Oceana

Don't worry I'm not gonna say anything rude to her. I'm an asshole but not that much of one

oh thank god at the very least she's in somewhere

Tod Sionnach

thank you. just keep an eye out. I have to go out and stop this

she hasn’t been affected. she’s actually just fine

Melody Oceana

I'm sorry what the fuck

take your own advice and stay inside

Tod Sionnach

i know. alarming but I have to help somehow

You have to promise to keep an eye out and maybe tell a white lie if she wakes up and asks about me

Melody Oceana

fucking idiotic move but fine

Tod Sionnach

i know what I’m doing.

i think

i just don’t want her to be worried or anything

Melody Oceana

no offense kid unless you can deal with dark magic I doubt you can

Tod Sionnach

that’s the thing

i can. kinda

it’s brand new and i barely had a grip on this so i’m not in the mood to be thrown into it but it’s my job??

I guess?

i’m blabbering.

and hearing gunshots and it’s not real

Melody Oceana

no job is worth your life. Swynlake isnt that's for sure

panic and fear can be controlled

if apparently it's your job you're more powerful then it right

Tod Sionnach

I grew up here. I have to try to protect it, right?

any tips for that?

maybe. i hope so. to be honest i don’t really wanna die so that would be great.

Melody Oceana

sure that's a reason to do that.

focus on what's around and what's real. Choose one thing that you can hold onto and feel. Everything else isnt real

Tod Sionnach

greatest reason i got beyond hoping stopping this helps her too.

what is that one thing? another person? my own belongings?

Melody Oceana

whatever is accessible. if the thought of a person helps use that. If you physically have someone crazy enough to go there out with you stick close

but if you have a ring or a bracelet that holds significant meaning that works too

Tod Sionnach

i have a couple things in mind. peaceful. okay.

thank you.

if she wakes up and feels better, she can still ring me. But i’m fine as far as she’s concerned

Melody Oceana

sounds good, dude. best of luck

btw ### ### ####

(in which panic sends him his number)

(cause fucking hell he's an idiot)

Tod Sionnach

didn’t think of that. Thank you!

(32 min later to Percy) deLETE tHE CONvo when you cAN

bLOOD HELL

Percy Goldthwait

Oh so you finally realized

what if I said she was up and using her phone right now?

Tod Sionnach

Id say it was about time to pass away to shadow demons

Percy Goldthwait

HA! she's still asleep and i deleted them awhile ago

well all except

this

(insert screenshot of Tod freaking out and calling Melody)

Tod Sionnach

just gonna do me like that, aye? can you at least tell her i’m fine and that you messaged me back on your own phone?

Percy Goldthwait

yeah yeah, don't you want her to know you were concerned

i'll let her know

Tod Sionnach

LATER PLZ

THANK YOU

Percy Goldthwait

:thumbsup:

-LATER-

Melody Oceana

hey percy said you're okay but i hope you're staying safe

Tod Sionnach

(30 min later) Yes! Good to hear from you!

glad you’re alright mel!

seriously!

Melody Oceana

I'll probably be sleeping for days after this

how was it where you were?

Tod Sionnach

get loads of rest

chaotic but there’s people going out to help so everything will be fine

Melody Oceana

Im glad

you're not going back to an empty house are you?

Tod Sionnach

(6 min) i live alne so ya i thik i will be

u wont be a lone will yu?

Melody Oceana

(retyped like 5 times) i have an extra bed at my apartment

if you want

Tod Sionnach

(2 min) your inviting me to sleep over at your apartment?

yeh! ok alright

Melody Oceana

better then h of us alone

Apartment 5B ast Castlesuites

Tod Sionnach

exactly what i was thinkng

when they let us go ill let u kno

Melody Oceana

I think i have some leftover pizza and tea too

just incase you want food

Tod Sionnach

(7min) absolutely :hearts:

thank you mel

maybe 2 or 5 drinks too but yes

Melody Oceana

yeah that type of night I have a stash too

Tod Sionnach

a godsend you are

(2min) are you sure your alrght? btw

Melody Oceana

yeah,i got lucky someone i knew was here

I hope he wasnt mean to you, percy's okay just kind of ??? sometimes

he means well

tina loves him obvi

and he's a good guy

yeah

ignore me

Tod Sionnach

(6min) no he was fine. all good.

cared about yu

tina was fine by the way

just in case

just stay away from the fog. no more nightmares

Melody Oceana

if i can avoid it I will no worries!

Tod Sionnach

thank you. ill be around soon ok?

Melody Oceana

sound good

Tod Sionnach

bye mel (:

Melody Oceana

no byes, just see you laters

Tod Sionnach

(2min) youre right. see you later. cross my heart.

[penultimateapogee]

hey dude for the music challenge u should do ALL OF EM

heh heh heh... such was my plan ALL ALONG. i will now use this ask as the place to do it (here’s the post btw)

1. A song that reminds you of your childhood: anything from Fiddler On The Roof (the original Broadway cast recording)... my dad loves Fiddler On The Roof and he used to play it all the time

2. A song to sleep to: heh, anything at 2am. but really New York And Back by Leanne & Naara

3. A song that your best friend loves: oh god, really? cmon i cant just know that...! ummmm mazie and i had a really in depth running conversation about her favorite music about two years ago but im forgetting it all. im PRETTY SURE Venus Ambassador by Bryan Scary & the Shredding Tears was the inspiration for her OC Stuart who we both love and occasionally develop

4. A song that hypes you the fuck up: HEH ANYTHING....! oh my god this is a haaaaard one because of how many options i have!!! but also: Awaken by Riot Games feat. Valerie Broussard, because WHEN THE DEVIL IS KNOCKINGGGGGGGGG... SO ALL YOU RESTLESS

5. A song you like to daydream to: i can only say “heh anything” so many times!! literally i daydream to basically every single song; its foundational to how i consume music. i’ll bring out the real heavy hitter now and say Follow You Down by Zedd feat. Bright Lights. ive got some REAL good daydreams for that one

6. A song that’s on at least 3 of your playlists: *breath in* no just kidding, i do my best to make sure my playlists arent too similar. the day you stop me from putting I Wanna Get Better by Bleachers on every character playlist is the day i die tho

7. A song that you love from a genre you don’t usually like: this should be easy; lemme just flip through my catalog of “songs i bought independent of their albums because i was building an 8tracks playlist in iTunes”... actually no, Planetary (GO!) by My Chemical Romance! i dont usually like whatever subgenre of rock MCR is all that much but this one GOES (fittingly shjfdis)

8. A song that you liked when you where 10 that still slaps: Der Kommissar by Falco. no fucking hesitation. i can thank my fluent-in-german mom for this one

9. A song that makes you want to go on an adventure: Zero by Imagine Dragons! ive daydreamed some poppin’ space adventures to that one

10. A song you’d want to dance with your partner to ( or future partner ): so, so much... NOT Jenny by Studio Killers because i just wanna make out to that one; maybe I Go Crazy by Paul Davis

11. A song to stomp around and pout to: difficult, because when i pout, i pout like grimbark jade, in that i go “actually im better than everyone and you can all smd.” then again, having made that clear, Roman Holiday by Nikki Minaj (shoutout: @floralmarsupial for killing me with that lyricstuck)

12. A song to listen to whilst you lie in a meadow: Folding Chair by Regina Spektor. TOO EASY

13. A song that reflects your views on love: uhhhhh. huh. polyam moments? no songs about polyamory moments? being polyamorous fundamentally affects my views on love in a way im not sure ive ever heard a song capture moments? Hot Air Balloon by Owl City because i’ll be out of my mind, and you’ll be out of ideas pretty soon, so let’s spend the afternoon in a cold hot air balloon

14. A song to sing to the sun: i feel like its probably not the intended spirit of this question, but Coming Over (feat. James Hersey) by Dillon Francis & Kygo. im usually more of a nighttime girl but honestly? call me xoxo

15. A song you like that sounds like its on the soundtrack to an indie coming of age film: ohhhh my gooooddddd literally any fucking Bastille song. any of them. thats like their whole angle and i LIVE for it. im picking Snakes because snakes are biting at my heels, the worries that refuse to let us go; ive been kicking them away and hoping not to let them take control

16. A song that you like that romanticises being a teenager: i would love to say Teen Idle by MARINA for the irony but i cant bring myself to. (ill still link it tho.) real answer is Centuries by Fall Out Boy, because whether or not it actually romanticises being a teen i just feel it yknow

17. A song that makes you want to grab your friends jump up and down dancing and screaming the lyrics: why did they write a question to which the only answer is Bohemian Rhapsody by Queen? i dont get it. just kidding another acceptable answer is Toxic by Britney Spears (my white is showing im sure)

18. A song that you like that the lyrics are just so beautiful they’re practically poetry: well actually i have such good taste that every song i listen to is poetry. (trying to remember the lyrics i cried to out of nowhere yesterday. oh right it was The Draw by Bastille but most of it doesnt fit the question as much) ANY Hozier song. im linking his fucking artist page because im NOT KIDDING. ANY HOZIER SONG. i toyed with picking a specific song as an “also, it’s this one haha” but no, im dead serious. i cant pick just one

19. A song that you can imagine listening to in an abandoned church ( if it isn’t hozier im judging you, but whatever ): ironic! to pick a specific Hozier song this time (because op is right, he’s the only choice), Talk

20. A song from the soundtrack of a film that you like so much after the film finished you immediately looked for it: hm, i feel like i have done this before, but i cant recall when... well i didnt go “oh fuck bop [blacks out]” but Immigrant Song by Led Zeppelin. remember Thor: Ragnarok? that was a good movie

21. A song for when the sun has gone down and you are feeling absolutely buck-wild with exhilaration!: Lost In Japan (Remix) by Shawn Mendes & Zedd, because no song hits my city-hotel aesthetic quite like this one does

22. A song that makes you feel like you’re strolling through Ancient Greece living your best life: ancient Greece...! that throws a fun twist in it; Don’t Leave Me (Ne me quitte pas) by Regina Spektor

23. A song that when you listen to it you’re transported to a liminal space, time is pointless and you must sit and wallow in the void that remains: Shots (Broiler Remix) by Imagine Dragons feat. Broiler. i glanced at this question early on and have been sitting on it the whole time. just LISTEN to it

23. A song to listen to on a long drive when you have the really strong urge to keep driving until you find somewhere to start a new life (preferably a europian city whose language you don’t speak): Evelyn by Kim Tillman & Silent Films. it just called to me here

im a little sad that i couldnt put every song ive ever listened to in here so heres some more good ones that i didnt choose: Citrine by Hayley Kiyoko (this is actually a whole EP), Lone Digger by Caravan Palace, Safe And Sound by Capital Cities, Absentee by Jack Campbell, River Flows In You by Yiruma, Instant Crush by Daft Punk, Link by Jim Yosef, Poke Bowl by Radiant Children, Optimistic by cehryl, Quiet by Lights, Superposition by Young the Giant, Far Too Young To Die by Panic! at the Disco, The Good, the Bad and the Dirty also by P!atD, Whatever It Takes by Hollywood Undead, LUNARIA (instrumental) by Chouchou. i know thats easily enough to make your eyes glaze over but mutuals especially it would mean a lot to me if you listened to at least a few of the songs i linked in this post because music means a lot to me and sharing it with other people is one of my favorite things :]

[traumawings]

long vent, sorry

i always feel like i'm lying, even though im not

my emotions always feel so,, fake, like im acting in a tv show, sometimes they dont even really feel like my own??

my thoughts sometimes feel forced, as if they're not really mine??

and all these memories feel so distant, like i know it happened to me but it feels like im just looking at someone else

no matter what i do, i always feel so,, unreal, incorrect, like somethings off/missing, but idk what

i recently found an email i sent myself back in 2016, where im just talking to myself like im talking to someone else?? i like told myself something along the lines of ''dont forget this thing, dont be stupid'' and then responded to myself with a ''yeah yeah i know'' and then ''yeah okay, just checking to be sure'' and??? wtf???

i cant really remember that?? like i used a word for 'stupid' (english isnt my native language btw) that i cant remember ever using?? i only have a sort of,, intuitive feeling/memory (?) of the very first line of the email, but i dont remember the rest

and ive always talked to myself, hell i still do it, all the time

i talk to myself like im talking to another person, but theres no one there, and i only 'act out' my part of the conversation

i dont think i hear voices tho? or have actual blackout moments? although i did ask my mom recently and she did say that as a child, i'd sometimes look like i'd just 'woken up', even though i wasnt asleep in the first place

and that my skills would vary greatly, so like one moment i would be really good at something, and then later on i was suddenly really clumsy while doing the same thing

and i would always make up a lot of oc's, like a lot

and i would, and still do, daydream very intensely and just like 24/7, with these characters

and the characters would make moves or do/say things that didnt feel entirely predictable to me?? even though it was technically me controlling all of that??

and when i'd act out the character, it almost felt like i just,, became that character

i would even get really sad and dissapointed when i remembered that i couldnt do things with them like start a youtube channel or smth, because they weren't real, didn't have a physical body

and i know this sounds kinda like DID/OSDD but i dont have that i think, because i dont actually really blackout

like its not like im doing a thing, then suddenly 'come back to' doing something else or that im suddenly in a different place or smth

so i just, feel fake

my brains just constantly trying to diagnose me

like everytime i notice i relate to a certain disorder or anything, i just become completely obsessed with that and start researching it and everything

and i feel so guilty while doing it, like im disrespecting the people who actually struggle with that disorder

thats also the reason i still really struggle to call myself traumatized, because i feel like im making it up, like im being dramatic

ive just become obsessed with trying to put a name to all of this

i have so many different kinds of symptoms that can often even contradict each other, that i just dont know what this is

and im scared of being misdiagnosed, i mean i dont wanna disrespect the professionals who actually studied for it, but i constantly fear theyre going to get it wrong because i feel like im not being honest, like theres something im not telling them but! idk! what!

and its so frustrating

i just constantly contradict myself

thats also why i struggle with taking personality tests because well everyone can relate to all of the answers right?? and when i take a test like that, i again, feel like im lying, even though im not, i think?

the thing is, i want a diagnosis, yknow just to put a name to it ig or for attention like i dont even know anymore

but like, i dont want the help, but i know that thats the only reason really that they diagnose people, to set up a treatment plan

but i dont want treatment, i want to get worse

i hate myself for this but, ive even daydreamed of being admitted to a psych ward

and i feel bad for it, because i know that a lot of people wish that they'd never been admitted, but i want to be

i want to be hurt, to be abused, i deserve to be

maybe then ill finally feel valid

but i never will

im not struggling, im just lazy

i should just shut up

but i cant

i cant stop talking, im sorry

im sorry for posting so much, for being so obnoxious

my brain just decided that apparently we need to hyperfocus on our horrible mental health and dissect it to try to pinpoint what the hell all of this is

so i ask of you, please bear with me

im annoyed by me too

im sorry

[prorevenge]

Destroy my childhood, ruin my chance at college, and laugh when I said I was homeless? Lol cool, I'll ruin your life.

Long story. TL;DR at the end.

BACKSTORY: My mother was a really shitty person. I have 4 other siblings. One older sister, 3 way younger, 3 different dads. Before I was born (im a male btw), my oldest sister was taken away from my mother when she was a few months old because she tried to stab/slice the father of my sister WHILE HE WAS HOLDING HER. She lost custody and the dude left her. Older sister goes to live with her fathers family in a different city. CUE LIL OL ME COMING INTO THIS SEXY WORLD. My dad went to jail 2-3 years after I was born for a while, I rarely saw him. He's an alcoholic if that matters. She was a single mother but she made it work and she worked hard. One of the bigger problems was that she took out all her agression and hatred of my father on me as well as work stress and etc. She dealt with sexual abuse growing up which I'm sure definitely affected her relationships and how she treated me as well. Anyways...

Cue me being abused from the age of 4-5 to about 17. Every day was hell. She was extremely strict and her perspective was warped. She was also pretty big in stature and had alot of strength. Examples of her being shitty: I've gotten beaten up badly once because HER room was dirty. The dishes weren't washed and I got beaten soon as I got home, even if there werent dishes when I left to school. If i walked too loud, id get my ass beat. She broke my nose for looking at her the wrong way on my 10th birthday when she brought me a cake I was allergic too(It had peanuts, she knows im slightly allergic but feigned ignorance..) It was more or less every day or every other day. She used her fists/elbows/extension cords/hangers/chairs/canes/bats/etc. Whatever she could find I was getting beaten with. I couldn't ever escape to my room for long because she would always call me every few minutes to get her things or to yell at me. She never drank or did drugs or anything. Whenever she was upset and I happened to be in front of her she'd kick me down the stairs to make me hurry up. She's put a knife to my neck before and had to be forcibly stopped by her bf of the time. Burned my christmas presents from other people (she didnt get me anything that year) and just other really shitty things. The only thing I will say, she tried really hard to make up for it with video games and electronics and etc. It didn't make a difference to me though, it never helped.

She controlled most aspects of my life. I got by with little petty revenges. Peeing in the lipton iced tea she drank. Rubbing her forks and spoons between ny buttcheeks before i served her dinner. Ignoring her screams for help when she had kidney stones (how tf am i supposed to help anyways??) But by the time i got to highschool I turned to alcohol. I resented her and the negative atmosphere affected who I was as a person. I started to be cold and uncaring. Calculated. She started kicking me out every few months telling me to find somewhere else to live by age 15. She sent me away to a different country for a year and tried to keep my passport but I made it back to the US with the help of the embassy and my step father (she'd already left by that time and found some other dude). I came back senior year with no credits for the prior grade which ended with me getting a GED. I spent most of the time i could with my best friend and started working shitty jobs. I was terrible at saving as i had accumulated loads of shitty habits while growing up so it didnt make much difference. She eventually told me that If i went to college, I would ALWAYS have a place to live until I finished. Cue my first 2 semesters at a 2 year college, I maintained a 3.7ish gpa. My teachers loved me and it was my escape. Towards the end of my 2nd semester during finals, i came home late one night around 10pm and my mother yanks the door open screaming in my face asking when I'll move out. I'm slightly drunk and decide to completely ignore her and walk to my room. If I opened my mouth, that day would be the day I blew up and cursed her out. I've rarely ever raised my voice at her because it never ended well. Now at this point im 19 and I've been doing school full time with no savings. Im also fairly fit and could easily take my mom at this point (Never laid a hand on her or any woman, i hate violence). I get to my room, she rips my door open, and starts yelling. I say nothing and stare at her. She walks away and called the police on me saying she thought id murder her and my younger siblings. I don't know where the fuck she got that idea from as she's the one who's nearly killed me many times.

I packed everything into a duffle bag and left 5 minutes afterwards. I failed all of my finals because I couldnt make it to my school. Things kinda spiraled and the next 2-3 years were me on and off homeless. I survived the best I could in a big city with no college degree and made alot of shitty choices due to my shitty habits. Eventually i found a profitable hobby that gave me meaning and through that i started to work my way up. Got my own apartment, had a full time job, and did my hobby on the side. I hadn't kept up contact with my mother at all but my younger sister who was old enough to have a phone found me on social media so i saw photos and such, she didn't have it anywhere near as bad but she did get beaten occasionally. My mother reached out via email all smiles asking how I've been. Now guys, ive always been envious of the relationship most ppl have with their moms so I gave her a chance and gave her a call. We talked for a few minutes and everything was civil and seemed like things would go okay but then...

She asked me what I've been up to the last few years and I told her honestly, that I was homeless for a while and struggled alot after what she did to me but I worked my way out of it. SHE LITERALLY LAUGHS. She laughed for a few seconds in a very condescending kinda chuckle and then said "I never did a thing to you so you don't know what abuse is! its your own damn fault you were homeless. So how about yo-" but by that point I hung up. I was speechless and fuming. I don't know what abuse is? OKAY BITCH. IVE SPENT TOO FUCKING LONG LETTING YOU DESTROY MY SANITY. NOW IS THE TIME.

There was a few things my mother didn't know. One, I knew for a fact that current well paying job she had was gotten on lies as she never got her college degree and lied about it on her resume. Two, I had access to all of her email accounts and cloud storage accounts since I was the one that set them up when I was younger and she never changes her passwords. Lastly, she DEFINITELY wasn't aware that from 13yrs old and onto the last time she hit me I took photos of ALL my bruises/marks/wounds/bloody noses saving them to my computer and then google drive. ON TOP OF THAT, my little sister had been sending me photos via social media of the bruises she got from my mom.

The first thing I did was compile ALL of those photos/videos into one folder. I then reached out to CPS in my city and explained that my siblings were being abused, how I was abused in the past, and that I had mountains of proof. Since ive called the cops on my mother before AND the thing that happened with my older sister, there was immediately a home visit. They arrived almost a day later with the police and coincidentally my mother was literally in the process of beating my younger sister when they were knocking. Cue an Emergency removal of all my siblings from the house and my mother getting arrested though she was released hours later. (I was getting a day to day play by play because my mothers best friend is a blabber mouth and everything my mother said she told her son who relayed it to me without either of their knowledge.) I sent CPS all the evidence and there's a legit case against my mother now. The next day I emailed and then called up her job to inform them that she had lied about having a very necessary college degree as well current events in her life which sparked a background check. She was fired days later. Say adios to 75k and a blacklist in the only industry you know how to work. I then spitefully deleted every cloud account and email address I ever made for her, which was all of them which im sure will make keeping up with alot bills and etc nearly impossible. I then anonymously reported her to the IRS because of the tax fraud she committed for years by claiming people's children that weren't hers with ALOT of detailed information since I lived with her while she did it.

So now, my mother lost all her kids and her job. Im meeting with a caseworker from CPS next week to talk more about what happens moving forward but I do know they're NOT going back. Idk how she's gonna pay her mortgage now and survive. I'm sure she's gonna get a call from the IRS who'll be looking for a few thousand dollars she owes them. She also has to go back to court in a few months, not exactly sure what she was charged with but ill update when I find out how everything turns out.

Side Note: She isn't aware im the cause of any of this. I plan on keeping tabs on her and waiting until it seems like she's close to death before I tell her it was all me and I peed in her lipton.

TL;DR - My mother abuses me badly for most of my life as well as my younger siblings. I have to drop out of college and support myself after she drove me to homelessness. She proceeds to laugh at me about me being homeless and denys abuse. So I ruined her life by getting my younger siblings removed and her arrested, making her lose her job, reported her to the IRS, and essentially set her up so that the remainder of her life is full of disaster and hardships.

(source) (story by howbout_that_lipton)

[crowsent]

👶,⭐,💘, and💻. Love you!!

thank you for ask anon! writer ask game is here if yall wanna send in something. still taking asks for these btw

👶- advice for new writers =

yall this is hella fucking generic but PRACTISE. theres a reason almost literally every writer on tumblr gives the advise of “practise practise practise” and that reason is it works. practise doesnt mean ‘oh just write bc youll automatically get better over time’ it means ‘write bc if you dont, you wont figure out what you need to improve.’ did yall know that i literally had no sentence variation in the past? i started every sentence with [character name] or [character pronoun] and i didnt realise until i was 15/16 and i only realised bc i started writing a lot.

i think there’s a fear of failure with new writers. there’s this lingering doubt of  “what if its not good?” and boy howdy i will answer that question right fucking now. it wont be good. when i compare my current work to my earlier work, my earlier work sucked fucking shit. i spelled soldier with a fucking ‘j’ and i had no idea what the hell a point of view was. and thats okay. whoever tells you that youre going to perfect writing is a fucking liar. there is no perfecting writing. 20 years from now, imma look at the writing from today and im gonna think it sucks shit. writing is a process. its a craft. you get better and better over time and the way you get better is by experimenting w different styles, different genres, different ways of writing.

and the only way you can experiment and improve is through practise. in video games, especially rpgs (which are my favourite kind of video games), you struggle in the early game. youre at a low level, you dont have good equipment, you have a hard time moving to the next area. but the only way you progress is by grinding, gaining levels, and getting stronger. same w writing. if youre a level 1 writer, just starting out, no idea what to do, just experiment. fuck around a bit. write crackships, write rarepairs, write niche self-indulgent reader/character fics. at the end of the day, you should write for yourself. its good and cool if other people like your stuff and validate all your hard work, but at the end of the day, the one who should enjoy your writing the most is yourself.

you WILL mess up and you WILL struggle, but thats the only way you can improve. i struggle with pacing the most. still do. but others might have pacing down pat and struggle instead with word choice or pov or something else. cant figure out where you need to improve if you dont write, so just practise and worry about all the fine print later

⭐️- how do you get your inspiration? =

this is definitely not universal, but i just sit on my bed, close my eyes, and meditate. cycle through all my emotions and thoughts and filter them out. then i just toss everything out the damn window. like. id just meditate for a while, focus on breathing, on experiencing the present, picture a field and a tree and myself and breathe. thoughts fly by and i let them happen but dont focus on it.

meditating gives me some semblance of emotional control bc i normally have none, and it gives me kind of this space. this safe space that only exists for me and me alone. so i use that space to let the world drift away. just me and my thoughts and sometimes, those thoughts end up being good writing ideas. but i usually meditate for a set amount of time. like 15 minutes or 30 minutes so i dont write until i finish meditating.

then when i get out of my headspace, i open up my laptop and see what i remember. thinking too hard about something causes it to muddy up. same with art. in digital art, artists flip the canvas to refresh their eyes, see if there’s anything weird or wonky about the illustration that they normally dont see bc theyve gotten used to it. flipping the canvas is like giving our eyes a jumpstart and lets us see what we could do better. in traditional art, its turning the canvas this way and that or repositioning yourself. meditating is like that. a break. a cleanse. a kind of pause where you dont think about anything and just try to process what you already have. you relax and kind of let yourself float down a river of thoughts and sometimes, a fish would jump out of that river and youd go “hey, thats a good idea. i should try that” so when you get out of the river, youre refreshed and ready to go.

same principle with showers. more ideas come to you in the shower when you dont have anything to write with bc youre not thinking about it. youre not focusing on finding inspiration or motivation so ideas naturally flow through you. you know that feeling when you want to do x then someone comes along and says “hey you should do x” and suddenly all motivation to do x leaves? same w your brain. focus too much on “i should be writing” or “i want inspiration” and its never gonna come. just let things happen. at least, thats how i do it. some people might get inspiration by reading or watching tv. everyones different so if thats not what works out for you, dont feel pressured to try my method

💘- what’s your favorite AU? Least favorite? =

magic au. specifically fantasy au set in like a pre-modern era. shows like avatar where theres all this magic and fantastical beasts and so on and so forth. semi-modern like six of crows and nevernight are great too. i want that magic to be woven into people’s lives. harry potter is okay but there’s like this separation between magic and muggle. there’s this feeling of “magic” but like as a tool. like a spoon or a gun or a shovel. i want magic au’s that are INTEGRATED with the world its set in.

like in atla, earth kingdom people have trains they move with bending while fire nation people have machines powered by heat and steam. both correspond to their bending and makes sense for the world they live in. but if your plot is like harry potter and its less worldbuilding and more action, then there’s this book series called seasons rising (read it. so good) where there’s a bunch of spells but the spells have character. the people using the spells GIVE it character and it feels much more intimate. pokemon does the whole fantasy mixed w reality better. give two trainers the exact same pokemon and by the time that pokemon reaches lvl 50, its gonna have a different moveset, different fight style, etc bc it was shaped by the world and people around it. i like harry potter but tbh it could have been so much better

for the least favourite au, it’s A/B/O i dont like the whole “omegas are only good for breeding hurr durr” and “alphas are violent and aggressive and cant control themselves around omegas” thing and it squicks me out. major squick. i read the original harry potter squick (THAT one. yeah. you know the one) and i still hate a/b/o more. i get why people like it, and there are one or two fics set in a/b/o au that i enjoy reading, but as a whole, i severely dislike a/b/o fics.

the themes are squick, the character dynamics get so messed up, and shipping dynamics (bc a/b/o fics usually have shipping) just get so blown out of proportion. there are so many a/b/o fics that turn ooc or the character interpretations radically change or something else. no hate against a/b/o fans bc yall are amazing for writing/drawing yalls au. there are things that you can only do in this setting and exploring those things can be incredibly fun for people, but for me personally, its not an au i like to visit.

💻- three works of yours that are must reads =

i. dont know what fandom youre in anon or your genre preferences. so ill just rec you one fic for a different fandom each with kind of different genres. ts masterlist is on my side @hufflepuff-deceit and regular fanfic masterlist is on my writing blog @crownonymous 

(BNHA) Viper. its my first serious attempt at fanfic in YEARS and its my baby. currently has 7 chapters, i havent updated it in a while bc im hyperfocused on ts rn, but i love it to bits. its just all of my fav bnha fics crammed into one fic. quirkless kind of villain izuku with stain as a mentor as they work together to bring light to the injustices of hero society and where bakugos bullying has visible and long-lasting repercussions? sign me the fuck up. you can read it on ao3 HERE bc its not on tumblr. kind of fast-paced, has a lot more action scenes than anything else ive written. heavy plot-wise but has a lot of humour and comedy to break things up

(Kimetsu no Yaiba) I Pray To God He Hears You. not related to my other kny fic oleander which is a multichap retelling au. iptghhy is a standalone one-shot and kind of a character study on one giyuu tomioka. i love him so much. giyuu is my baby and i adore him. so of course i wrote a sad fic focusing on him. well technically, the fic focuses on giyuu AND his relationships.  SPOILERS for chapters 130 and 131 of the manga. focuses mostly on giyuu and sabito, but there’s a fair bit of giyuu and tanjiro and urokodaki.  you can read it HERE bc this is also not on tumblr. also deals with heavy things but more emotion-wise since it doesnt have that much of a plot. loss. grief. moving on. survivors guilt. that kind of stuff.  very sad. hurt but with comfort, especially at the end.

(Sanders Sides) Logan’s Birthday Fic: Logicality. just what the title says. i wrote 5 different fics and published them all on logans bday but the logicality one received the most feedback and honestly? the cutest of the bunch. its gonna be crossposted onto ao3 but for now, you can read it HERE on my ts sideblog. theres no plot since its literally just domestic and relationship fluff. and puns. patton is in the fic, theres gonna be puns. nothing but good things and warm feelings bc logan deserves it.

-

thank you so much for such interesting asks anon! i enjoyed answering these. have a lovely day!

[andremarcusburky]

Can you do an Auston Matthews as a boyfriend headcanons thing? I loved your Nolan one btw!

A/N: asdfghjklöä everytime I think about him all I see is riding his thighs and that fine ass of his so ive never really given boyfriend!aus a piece of my mind, but ill do my best! also this became really sexual lmao and I dont know what im doing

masterlist

sex is a big part of the relationship though

thats how It started

he was a one-night-stand who you ran into again a month later

it became a two-time thing

and then he had your number

and then it was more than two times

and suddenly you were in love

and the next time you ran into each other unexpectedly when you were out some dude was trying to get in your pants and jealous Matty wouldn’t have it

he fucked you into oblivion that night

and the next morning he decided to have the talk

“i want you, no one else. like I want you to be mine only”

“are you asking me to be your girlfriend?”

he wasn’t ever really cuddly before that but once you were official you got to see his most vulnerable sides

when he was out because of the injury he cried once because he was so angry and sad and frustrated over the whole situation

you just held him and he let you comfort him

but most of the time he’s the cheeky lil shit we know so well

pinches your ass when you dont expect him to

so you squeal in public sometimes and people turn their heads and he has the biggest grin on his face

his way of letting you know he’s horny is by walking up behind you and press his hard-on to your ass and kiss your neck

also grabs with your boobs

then he acts all innocent and pretends like he didnt do nothing

also sexual innuendos all the time

pretends like its all accidents but he knows wtf he’s doing

he gets you lingerie all the time

his favorites are black lacy things

really small things

his favorite thing to do is watch sports on the tv with his arm around you as your head’s on his chest

because he loves watching sports and he loves you and he wants you close to him all the time

so like lets acknowledge that this is a cocky lil shit who’s super competitive 

I mean remember the nhl18 thing

and something you do together a lot is play Mario kart

its a forever ongoing thing

your both super competitive and this could potentially ruin the relationship ngl

on average you probably win as much as the other

so its really a 50/50 thing

you get so angry at each other though

then there was that one time where the boys were over and you had a mini tournament

Mitch was in the lead, followed by you and aus tied

if you or Auston won the last game you’d pass Mitch and win

final lap came around and both you and matts were in the lead, going back and forth with who was fist and second

Mitch was right behind you, catching up

then Mitch got one of those red turtles and he threw it right at you

it was gonna hit you 100%

matts hit the breaks and went in behind you so it hit him instead

YES HE FUCKING SACRIFICED HIMSELF IN YOUR HOLY GAME 

you won

he didnt say anything, just passed the goal-line a bit later and put the controller down

you were celebrating like crazy and Mitch was so mad

the boys left after that

“so like.. I’ll do whatever you want tonight”

his eyes have never been so big

fuck

that was the first time you ever rode his thigh

he loves that shit

you thought he was gonna ask about anal but he never did

you gave him some good head though

he was a power bottom that night

jesus he loved watching your boobs bounce

and your body was stretching in all kinds of directions from time to time

after he just played with his head on your chest and listened to your heartbeat

“I honestly still cant believe you did that for me”

“what?”

“when we were playing mariokart”

“of course would, I love you”

so yeah that was the first time he said that

and at first you just stared at him and didnt know what to say

so he became really nervous like he really thought he fucked up

and he looked up at you and you just kissed him so hard and asdfghjklöä

“I love you too, baby”

he really likes hanging out with his teammates with you

for bye week you went to the Bahamas and you spent most of the time in bed in the pool

and he’d make you sit on his shoulders and do that pool-wrestling thingy 

you guys won obviously 

there is no couple that will ever beat you in anything lbh

POWER COUPLE AF

CHAMPIONS

and for dinner he always makes you taste his food

feeds you from his fork

“but you have to try it, its amazing!”

then you split dessert

oh and at games this is a whole thing on its own

he loves it when you wear his jersey

and if you’re not wearing his jersey he wants you to wear his clothes 

and you get so into it

jumping up and down when he scores

shrieks and screams

“YES MATTY THATS MY BOY”

he looks up at where you’re sitting now and then and smiles at you

especially when he’s scored

he really loves seeing you celebrate because of him

you’re always so excited and happy for him

and when you get home he fucks you while you’re wearing his jersey 

:-)

[killapunk]

the weirdest, NO, evilest, person i have every worked for

no real names are used in this piece. i refer to other weirdos and freaks throughout, sorry its a long read (i didnt intend for this) but its one of those things ya gotta settle into and believe me its a wild ride. this saga covers over three years of drama btw.

tw: mental health mentioned (inc panic attacks), chronic illness mentioned and mild sex references 

i am going to single out jess. shes more evil than a weirdo but weirdo nonetheless. pete is a secondary weirdo in this saga.

i work in retail for a long time. a fashion store to be precise. i started out in one store but transferred when i started studying at uni and remained there for the majority of the retail career. during my time there i had three managers, the longest one, who is also a fucking weirdo was pete. now before i worked with pete, before he transferred to our store. i didnt like pete when i started working with him, he annoyed the fuck outta me. but my life circumstances changed and my mental health issues got very bad AND i was diagnosed with cfs so i had to disclose it w him. turns out… he was fucking mental too, very understanding, super chill. we liked the same shit. great boss. 11/10 every time.

he would be my reference for every job ever…

…but. he started gettin involved w jess. now to jess. the main character in this piece.

jess had started at the company around the same time as me and we were always on the same level until the last year or so. jess was a bit older than the average age of staff at the store (17-20) and was 23 when this drama started. she had a college diploma, went onto do something semi-successful but related to her HND. but blew all her money, moved back into her parents and started working at the store part time and then onto full time. she was like…the perfect retail girl? small, cute, slim, bubbly… always looked cool in her uniform. customers loved the fuck out of her. 

jess had a bf when i first started and pete had a longstanding gf. jess and her bf ended things abt 4 or 5 months before pete and his gf. but i remember they started gettin cushy around about this time. im not sure if its cos im v sympathetic towards pete (a true kind soul who i hold v dearly in my heart) but even tho youd be thinking ‘boss abuses his power’ …jess was and still is fuckin manipulative and he has longstanding mental health issues and i just think she sorta got the ball rollin’. pete and his gf didn’t seem on good terms, i dunno the full story but it seemed like they should have broken a long time before the did.

i think the fortnight before pete and his gf broke up they were spotted hanging out together near where she lived. it was this hush hush thing that everyone giggled abt cos there was at the time talk they were fuckin. when it got out, after his breakup jess said she was ‘just being a friend’ cos he was ‘going through a tough time’. 

jess got promoted to keyholder even though she didnt really (at the time) have the skills or confidence to be a keyholder. and then she started to try and fuckin control the work. back during this time, everyone who worked at the store, minus literally 3 people, had worked for the company for at least a year. the store ran very well, we were always in profit. nothing went wrong. but. she started changing processes because it 'made things easier when she was opening’. like. she made everyone tally the amount of people they served in the fitting room in one box and tally the amount of things people left behind so she could make a sales chart. idk if that’s normal in other stores but like? it was just nuts and impossible to do.we always put deliveries away out the package but not folded in a particular way. she made everyone tag and (where relevant) hang items bc she had to pick everything in the morning. 

she became friends w most of the girls, including one of the supervisors. they ruled the workplace. it was a total gossip mill. she gaslit the fuck outta people. one already less-popular girl at work ended up quitting cos she kept blaming her for fuck ups, she kept getting write ups and it was impating her mental health. she spun people against her. less popular girl spoke up and called her a bully and jess acted all defensive and said she wasn’t a bully bc shed been bullied before? jess continued to fuck up the workplace. next she turned on two people in her own clique. one tbh, i think she was jealous of bc jess had always wanted to be a teacher and this gal was training to be one. the other girl was v like jess, just not a bitch… strongwilled, liked control. anyway, drama got to the point where they had to quit. waay too much drama for this textpost. at this point others started to notice n work became hostile. jess moved her girlgang clique to one of the original clique girls, a different supervisor and the other two full time staff members.

pete obv didn’t listen to people coming to him, as store manager being like… hey… there’s this major clique problem and he’d be like ‘nah everyone is just friends, jess is a bit insecure but yno things are good, people quit, its just retail. fuck it.’ jess accused everyone who didn’t get on w her as being a terrible person. those legit words. like. if someone said it was a shame x, y or z left shed rebut, nah they were shit at their job, they were a shit person. honestly. EVERYONE. was a bad person. even the nicest people in the world were the worst person, the worst at the job. she was a good person, she liked the good people. she HAD BEEN BULLIED AND WOULD NEVER BULLY. she threw the anxiety word around a lot.

once we had a staff night out and i got left alone with jess and pete at the end of the night in this terrible lil bar as i waited for someone to pick me up. this is a good point to mention jess was always weirdly jealous cos i was close to pete. fucking ridic considering he was 14 years older than me and you know my fucking boss??? this night, i was sitting right next to pete, we were both drinking, jess wasn’t (cos she likes to be in control, she even said it), he had his arm around me and was whispering something into my ear that was such a non-thing i don’t even remember. she got her phone out, started texting. he excused himself and when he returned he sat beside her. it was fucking nuts. i couldn’t believe my eyes. we had to basically carry pete out of the bar. jess said to me she was gonna drive him home cos it was on the way to hers (spoiler! it was not!). myself and pete did the open the next day. he came in wearing the same clothes. i mean, he could have just passed out and had to rush to work when he woke up. but. this guy went out a lot. he never repeated an outfit. i think jess took advantage of a very drunk him. similarly, on another night out, jess promised to drive someone home. said person got too drunk and thew up. jess refused to take them home and called them embarrassing, she gave the space in her car to pete.

i had a major bad evening shift at work concerning another staff member, kaylee. a gal who just rubbed me up the wrong way, and who didn’t like me. ill never know why but it was just one of those things where anytime i was on shift w her she would nitpick and bitch about me and just… make me feel not v good. she was possibly the laziest and rudest person i had ever worked with but someone got away with it?

i used her as a way to talk to pete about the general problems in the store (jess). and…it was fuckin surreal. i told him abt kaylee. i told him i thought jess was controlling but kinda laid off a bit like ‘i get she thinks shes doing it for good’ etc. i padded it out w a few other rly petty issues abt the store. i was actually really upset, kinda numb from life to properly let out my emotions. and then. he started cry on me. like this full-on grown man having a panic attack in front of me when i was 19, fucked on diazepam i should have never been prescribed. to this day i visualise it. me and pete were v close at this point, and like, he didn’t mention jess too much – asked me about the other girl and other issues when i came to him. we spoke about personal shit, all but jess. i kinda wonder if he didn’t have the panic attack if i would have told him his under the radar relationship w her was not on?

and then. pete sold me out in the name of jess. idk the full ins and outta everything but he had to confront the drama once and for all cos our figures were so low so he decided to blame it all on kaylee. from my understanding of the situ from a lot of ‘he said she said’ bs, pete had this big meeting w kaylee. was like. 1. do ur job right and 2. stop being rude and unapproachable. the thing is, although kaylee is rude shes one of these ppl who most ppl really liked, not in a jess/regina george theyre scared of you way but…like they thought she was a tv character and she was funny and honest. so i think she confronted some obvious allies, and jess told her, according to another staff member, that i complained about her. after hearing this i obvious went to pete and tbh, acted pretty dramatic (cos if you haven’t fucking learned already THIS STORE WAS FULL OF DRAMA QUEENS). as soon as i heard, i started texting him angrily on his day off. i remember folding something in the fitting rooms and he came up to give me a hug and i was like ‘HOW FUCKING DARE YOU TELL OTHER PEOPLE MY BUSINESS’. i confronted jess, in a lighter tone, cos i obv told pete (half) what i felt about her. jess played the fucking innocent role. like, she said something along the lines of ‘we’re both close to pete n he was so worried that when me, you and kaylee did those shifts together that something would go wrong. so he told me to keep an eye on things and that’s all i told kaylee cos she wasn’t sure why she was being targeted when so many people in this store are treating people badly. i didn’t say you reported her or anything, honestly!!!!’ queue more bs.

after this, jess didn’t bother with me but was never explicit about hating me. if there was a convo going on and i tried to join in she scolded at me for being nosey. if i was unwell (i have cfs) shed moan ‘jokingly’ that i always had to be ill. i think she ripped on me once cos i said i was late for a hand-in at uni.

her next real victim, however, was jack, my best friend in store and our supervisor. jack was getting fucked over in his supervisor role bc pete would schedule jess for anything managerial. jess started a rumour that pete didn’t trust jack bc jack fucked it at a meeting w the other stores (semi true but fucking up a meeting isn’t the end of the world). like. anything jack would be, jess would be on him. by this point 50% of the staff that were around at the start of the story HAD LEFT. jess had driven people out and had the new ones all up her arse.

pete quit. it was sudden.

not long later, facebook popped up with a fuckin ‘pete is in a relationship with jess’ status and pete has never spoken to me again. i left shortly after that, although our new manager was lovely i felt like i was working for jess.

jack ended up GETTING DEMOTED, by petes replacement who had no idea what a shitstorm she was getting herself into. the new manager PROMOTED jess and demoted jack bc she was doing all the supervisor jobs whilst jack was only doing midshifts. he didnt get shafted to the lowest pay and was instead given the title ‘trainer and authorised opener/closer’ whilst still doing the same fucking job. he transferred out, cos that shit is fucking degrading and within, like two months he was put back up his rightful position. yay for my forever work bestie. I

feel like this has been going on for too long now. i think this doesn’t do her justice. like…i cant believe someone who is NOW 26 and who got what she wanted after manipulating a mentally ill man caused so much drama and pain and tension in a fucking clothes store.

fucking horrid. im reading this completely exhausted and so i cant say much but i just feel like these people are always the ones who come out on top, and its so fucked up. im really sorry you had to deal with so many unpleasant people, and your friend as well. 

i swear mediocrity and asskissing is what gets you anywhere in this world, and manipulative cunts like this jess woman take full advantage of that. it’s pretty scary, honestly. amazing how far drama can go, huh. this is why i have trust issues.

i still hope she gets her ass kicked by life, though. there has to be some sort of karmic justice somewhere

i also feel like i should say that there’s always going to be people who won’t like you for some reason. even if you don’t do anything wrong and even though everyone else thinks they’re great. no idea why this happens, but all i can say is there’s really nothing you can do. so FUCK EM (in the most metaphorical sense as they don’t deserve you giving them the time of day)

[osakishinya]

My Experience At Monsta X Concert

@last-dance-anywhere-but-here id like for you to read my experience bc i need to express my feelings i cant hold in my heart ^^

I was so nervous when i got to the theatre.  My brother who went with me was trying to calm me down lol.  I knew that we had tickets to go meet and high five them but I was scared that I was going to make the same mistake again and not get to meet them. *** Short Story last year: I bought tickets last year thinking that it was where the high touch area was at.  But dumb me didnt check the seating chart correct and ended up at the very back of the theatre, meaning that i didnt get VIP seats and so no high touch.  I was very upset. *** When I went to the front desk to ask them I was sssooo anxious and nervous.  I didnt want to feel the same disappointment as i did last year when they told me that i didnt get the right tickets to meet them.  As I waited anxiously for their reply, my heart almost stopped right then and there when the lady said, "So you are in the VIP section so you do get to join in the high touch."

Was I finally going to meet them in person??  Is this a dream??  Dont tell me wrong plz!  Am I really going to meet Monsta X?  The group that stole my heart?? The same group that always has me on my toes?? The very same group that taught me how to smile, how to laugh and how to love again??  My heart adn my brain can barely process it all. Standing in line for 3 hrs wasnt too bad....but why did it feel like forever??  Maybe bc I was too excited and anxious to see them.  As I looked at the lanyard around my neck that said "VIP" I smiled and felt some weight lifted off my shoulders.  I did it right this time around.  I was finally going to see them face to face.  I told my brother I wasnt going to cry this time bc i already kind of saw them already. (even tho the tickets i bought last year was all the way in the back!!)

*Fast Foreword* When we finally got to our seats, I was ssssoooo happy where we were seating. They were perfect!  Right in the middle on the second row.  My hands were shaking so bad bc i was so excited.  Maybe too exited that I started literally hypevenilating.  I was finally going to see them perform live at this close of a distance! 

You know, ive always watched them from a distance.  always watching their music videos and their live stages on youtube or on TV.  I've always wondered if i would ever meet them in person.  I told my mom at one point that if i meet them in person at least once in my life, my life will finally be complete.  Why you ask??  They're just some boy group.  No, they're not just any boy group.  They're my happiness that I thought I gave up on.  They helped me pick up the broken pieces of my heart that was shattered.  They mean the world to me.  

As soon as the music started and they rose from the stage, I swear time froze right there.  Am I really seeing this??  Where they really in front of me?? Is this a dream?? Without realizing it, my vision was starting to get blurry.  Am I really crying??  AGAIN?? I thought to myself, that I have to hold it in bc i didnt want to meet them with swollen red eyes, plus ruin my makeup i nthe process!  Damn I knew I shouldve wore waterproof eyeliner! lol  As they performed, all i could think was, wow.....they are real people living in the same time frame as me.  And I finally get to watch them perform my favorite songs ive been listening to forever. Seeing Wonho just a few feet away from me was like a dream.  His smile, his laugh, his silliness, all real.  He's the very reason I can love again.  His love for his fans, his love for his members, his love for music.  That's the reason I can feel love again.  Overall, they were all amazing!!  They exceedingly performed very well!!  It was the best performance yet!! As the stage was coming to and end, I felt like time went by too fast.  I didnt want it to end.  Ending it felt like the ending of our time together.  The ending of my dream.  Am I about to cry again??  Stop!!  When it did end, we waited until it was time to go backstage to finally meet them.  And oh man was my heart about to burst out of my body!

We went and stood in a single file line to go meet them.  As the line was getting shorter and closer to them my breathing starting shortening.  I couldnt breathe at all!!  I turned to my brother to help me control my breathing. Im really going to meet them!  Can I really do this without screwing anything up?  Or fainting in front of them?? Im so nervous!!   When it was finally my turn, Hyungwon was the first I saw.  As I walked towards him and touched his hands, time literally froze right there when our eyes met.  He was sssoooo ethereal that I swear there was light shining behind him at how handsome, how beautiful, how elegant he looked.  He gave me the sweetest smile and said, "Nice to meet you, thank you!"  My heart stopped right there.  At that point I realized something.....no way, I think Im in love again. (im sorry Wonho!)

Though i wanted to stay longer with hyungwon, of course I had to move on. And so next was jooheon, he was sssooo super cute and adorable!! I finally got to see those cute dimples in person!  Thought I wanted to touch his cheeks so bad I had to continue to move on!  I.m was very handsome!!  I mean he looked really good!! 3 years difference is ok right??  Im not that old! lol Kihyun was definately the highlight of my life.  Not only cute but handsome and very friendly!  I could tell he really loves his fans.  His interactions with me and his fans was wonderful!

Then finally, next was my Won & Only.  Wonho.  The man I fell in love with.  The reason for my life to be brighter again.  The reason I can love again.  As I touched his soft hands that felt like silk, I wanted to say something to him but I froze right there.  Stupid me couldnt say anything!!  I have so many things i wanted to say to him but there was just too little time.  And so I quickly whispered a "I love you" to him.  I think he didnt hear me bc i said it too quiet as he just smiled and nodded.  Even though there are language barriers and even though he might've not heard or understand the words that came from my lips, the point is......i got to tell the man of my dreams that i love him.  And Im content with that.

Shownu was next and i gotta say....he was FINE as HELL!!  damn like when he performed on stage, i knew he was a really good at dancing but seeing him live made me realize that he really got some MOVES.  He is just ssooo sexy and such a manly man!  Now i understnd why fans call him a bear, a cute, cuddly, and manly bear that i wanna squeeze!  Last but not least was Minhyuk.  He was sssooo super adorable and his cute smile just made him even more adorable!!  He made me feel so squishy and fluffy inside!!  Omgsh i really just wanted to hug him so bad bc of how cute he was!

Without realizing it, my night was coming to an end.  It felt so fast, too fast as i was leaving the building.  Even though I saw them for just those few seconds, it wasnt enough. I didnt want to turn and look at the building bc i knew that if i did, i might run back in just to see them one more time.  I wanna tell every single one of them that I love them all.   So we headed back to the hotel, when i got to the hotel i walked towards the window and looked at the theatre from below. (we were at the very top floor BTW!).  The sky was dark and the stars were already shining despite some clouds still roaming around bc it was going to rain.  I reached up and touched the cold glass with my hands as I looked out the window.  I sighed a breath and said aloud, "Im going to miss all of you....."

It was finally the next day to go home.  As we packed our things in the car and started driving, I turned and watched the theatre disappear from a distance.  Then the overflowing tears that Ive been holding this whole time came down like a waterfall.  I couldnt stop myself.  Even though i know its not the last time im going to see them but why does it feel like it is??  What is this pain i am feeling in my chest??  Why cant i stop the tears from flowing??  I dont like this feeling of pain at all.  It really feels like a long distance relationship that's coming to an end.  Why am I crying so much?  I miss them that much even though it was just a short meeting??  Or Is it because im finally going back to my reality and I dont want to wake up from this euphoria?  Maybe this is what missing someone really feels like.   Maybe this is what love really feels like.  With the short about of time of meeting them, it feels like you've known them your whole life.  All i know was that, no words can describe what i just experienced.  My love for them will continue on forever.  I dont know if ill ever grow out from this, but right now just let me enjoy this moment just a little bit longer.  Thank you Monsta X for everything.  I love you.