#btw she popped all the “pimples”

[moon9931]

WUAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!

i needed to draw more

more of the batshit crazy..bat guy..girl...mutantdtdt thing... from @oddpizza s rot tower aau

(dude im sorry for tagging you again I'm just obsessed w/ the design I did for moon/gene) also also another....

WARINING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERE MORE GORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THERS LIKE, MORE BLOOD!!! AND MORE VISIBLE ARM BONE!!!!!!! 'S!!!!!! AND AND AND- *chokes on air* AND THERES A REAL DISGUSTING *THROWS UP* NASTY NASTY BUG BITE- WITH LIKE- PUS AND BLOOD OOZING FROM IT, AND AND AND THERES BLOODY ACID BOILS!!!!

i worked all fjicking afternoon on dis

seperate sribbles

and one last thing-

HOLY FUCK-

HOW DID I DO THAT???? (don't mind her decapitated head lmao it was js to show her neck lmaooooo)

[synamartia]

Ya'll... when I tell you about the fucking week I just had...

So by now all of you are aware that my phone died and I wasn't able to be online until I could get it fixed. Well! Come to find out, it would have cost more to fix the screen than to just buy a new phone outright, so I just did that. It was a downgrade, but with all the issues my old phone was having aside from the cracked screen, it's still ten times better than what I had. Bought the phone, got everything transferred, went about my day as usual and went to bed early that night.

Guys. When I woke up, I thought I was fucking DEAD I felt so shitty. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. All I knew was I was freezing my ass off while sweating like a warthog in a sauna, I couldn't see straight, and my throat hurt so bad I couldn't speak. That's not an exaggeration, I literally couldn't speak - let alone eat or drink. Found out I was running a temp of 103 the first couple of days and all I did was sleep, and my tonsils were so swollen that even drinking water was painful. Eventually my fever broke and the swelling did go down, but now it fucking BURNS when I swallow anything like I just downed four shots of Everclear with a tabasco sauce chaser. Still not sure what exactly it was, but so far no one else in my house has gotten it, so I'm not even sure if it was something contagious - which just brings up a shit ton of questions about what it was and how I got it. i also can't sneeze without pain shooting down my neck which is great cause it's ALLERGY SEASON YAY

So, suffice to say, my tolerance for social interaction has been very minimal this past week and I haven't had a chance to get any writing done (at least it was my weekend off). I'm still not back to 100% but I'm getting there! Just wanted to give you guys a quick update, so now I'm gonna go take a zinc tab, get my kids in bed, and then try to crank out that teaser I promised ya'll~! ❤️

Side note: the 23rd was my youngest daughter's 4th birthday, and this kid. Omfg she cracks me up. So bedtime rolls around and my kid, she's watching these DIY videos for like fidget toys or whatever, and she sees one of those pimple popping toys. She runs up to me and is trying to get me to watch it (I'm barely conscious at this point btw) and she points to her forehead and tells me that she has pimples on her face, and that she needs one of those toys to pop instead. She literally just turned 4, and I tell her pimples don't happen until you're a teen (in my case, at least), and that she's got about ten more years to go before she's a teen. Then I ask her if she knows how long ten years is, and how far away into the future it is. She screams yeah, so I ask her how far.

This kid. This fucking kid. She proceeds to press herself against the wall of our living room, then runs across the length of it and down our hallway until she straight slams herself into our bathroom door (sort of like inexperienced skaters stop themselves at a roller rink by skating into that half wall), then yells back at me "THIS FAR!" I fucking died it hurt so much but I couldn't stop laughing 🤣☠️It was worth it though! ❤️

[blurrymango]

Hey, why do you have bad takes? That's pretty dumb - is it because you hate women?

It's 4 AM why am I being told that I hate women.

HELLO?????????????????????

This is me BTW this is what I look like IRL.

Kitty cat aside, my takes are ffucking great, my dick is bigger than yours, my tits are bigger than yours, my balls are also bigger than yours, and my ass is juicier than yours. My brain is very wet and wrinkly.

I'm pro-choice, I know that only women can be lesbians, I'm. Ffucking. Bisexual. I help out my grandmother when she needs it, and when she doesn't because being annoying is fun lmao. I like to watch TV with my mom all the time and I like to pop her pimples. I love my aunts, one of whom is a hairdresser with pink hair and is married to a woman that is so butch I didn't know she was a woman when I was a kid. I feel like I've mentioned that aunt of mine before but she lives in the next town over and she's on my dad's side of the family and I never see my dad's side of the family even though I really like them they're wonderful folks and also my other aunt on my dad's side of the family is like. Living in some ffucking swamp and she comments on my YouTube videos sometimes and she has. A lot of cats I think. My aunt on my mom's side of the family is short, and successful, she rents out houses to folks, and she's super good at baking. And one of her daughters is in Germany right now because she married a German man and the other is a tattooed scene snarky motherffucker who has blue hair, a sweetheart pitbull, and travels a lot around the country making absolute BANK working as a nurse. The only woman in my life who isn't a good role-model is my mother but that's because she has a lot of mental illnesses but after she got out of jail she's been doing really ffucking good recently also. Suddenly I am aware that, despite having tattoos, I haven't seen any of them since she got back???? There's some on her legs and one on her back and. There all gone. They're not there.

DID PRISON TAKE AWAY MY MOM'S TATTOOS???? HELLO???????

Anyway, anon, you're an idiot. I love women. Women are cool. Blow me.

[idontblushsrry]

How the Jujutsu Kaisen Characters Smell

A/N: Absolutely no one asked for this but I have thoughts and now yall have to hear them. Btw gonna put a keep reading because I’m trying to cover as many jjk characters as possible so it’s gonna get long.

Warnings: Spoilers if you’ve only seen the anime or haven’t read the manga up to the Shibuya Arc (relatively minor but you’ve been warned)

Itadori

He’s nowhere near the best smelling but his scent isn’t awful 

He sweats a lot so he takes showers a minimum of 2x a day

Overall his smell isn’t that bad, he just smells like outside 

5/10 points for effort but he always smells like he just got done rolling around in grass

Fushiguro

Fushiguro smells like the suave ocean breeze body wash with an undertone of pen ink 

His smell is very nice, it’s not the most remarkable but it’s not stinky

Middle school Megumi was definitely a hot mess that smelled solely of axe body spray and other middle schoolers he beat up (Tsumiki tried her best but there was only so much he’d compromise on)

After he started attending the Tokyo school, Maki threw out his axe and made Gojo buy him actual cologne/scented body wash

7/10 smells like a friend (points reduced because he used to use 3 in 1 body wash)

Kugisaki

Kugisaki is very much clean

She keeps up a beauty regimen and doesn’t play when it comes to upkeeping it

She has this light floral scent because of that; it varies between cucumbers and roses

Her body wash is also consistent with the smell of her beauty products

One thing about Kugisaki’s smell is that it does change completely depending on what products she’s using

Although, if she were to be completely clean with no scented products, she’d have a smell that’s a little bit metallic because of the nails and a little pumpkin-y

10/10 points because she sets the standard

Gojo

Smells like the inside of a guys car

He smells like bergamot and cedarwood mixed with a hint of leather

Overall he smells nice and it’s frustrating because his scent lingers. It’s so distinct that even when he’s gone, his scent will stay behind just to taunt you

9/10 minus one point for being Gojo

Maki

She’s very particular about hygiene 

It mainly stems from 1) her upbringing and 2) the level of cleanliness needed to clean all the weapons she uses regularly

She smells of metal polish, lavender with a hint of patchouli, and a slight undertone of rust

10/10 overall very strong scent but it’s so uniquely her that it’s calming 

Inumaki

This makes no sense but I feel like Inumaki smells like the sandwich part of a deli

Specifically that fresh baked bread and sliced lettuce smell

It can be a bit nostalgic at times especially because the smell in general occurs in a lot of places 

10/10 because bread smells good

Panda

It’s canon that Panda smells like the sun but we can get more specific

Panda does smell like the sun but I think he smells like a freshly cleaned room with the curtains open

The smell is like air freshener mixed with the sun

The air fresheners he smells the most like are: morning and dew, wood, pine, pet odor eliminator

10/10 no explanation needed

Yuta

Smells like teen spirit

Pre-jujutsu high (and before he was sent away to Africa); Yuta smelled like deodorant

He smelled like wayyy too much old spice, it was pretty bad

Post trip to Africa (idk which country he went to), Yuta smells of shea butter, frankincense, and charred wood

8/10 the crimes of pre jujutsu high Yuta will not be easily forgiven

Nanami

He smells like the blue Ralph Polo Lauren cologne

No I will not take criticism

He also smells a bit like the wrinkle spray people use when ironing clothes

10/10 we been knew that Nanami looks good, smells good, and dresses good

I don’t even like that cologne but for him...

Shoko

Love Shoko but her smell isn’t the most pleasant

Literally smells like cigarettes and alcohol with the sterile smell of cleaner to top it off

She’s an icon but her smell can be overwhelming at the best of times and suffocating at the worst

5/10 some people might like it but it is not for me

Utahime

Her scent is very foresty, either pine or spruce, with an undertone of gree tea

Her scent is a bit muted too so you can only really smell it if she’s really close or if you’re hugging her

It’s not a bad scent though, it’s the type that immediately sets you on ease

10/10 smells like a warm hug

Mechamaru(spoilers)

He’s a robot what’d you expect???

Jkjk Pre-Shibuya he smells really sterile and clean due to his condition

His robots obviously smell like metal and wiring

Post-Shibuya arc(or yk during technically): He smells kind of like nothing

There's the slightest smell of sparks from his cursed technique and the hint of mojito’s smell lingering, but otherwise he smells like absolutely nothing

6/10 the lack of smell is a bit off putting

Miwa

I can’t explain but I feel like Miwa smells like banana and vanilla

Like Mai and Momo tricked her and she ended up actually liking the smell

6/10 not the worst but not the best

Mai

Mai smells really heavily of metal and gunpowder

Obviously brcause of her cursed technique but she ever expected it to stck to her like it does

She doesn’t make any active effort to change it though because she thinks it makes her seem cool and mysterious

4/10 because while it DOES make her seem cool and mysterious, she scares locals

Momo

She definitely uses bath and body works perfume (tempted to say she uses the glittery versions but alas)

She loves using all the candles, lotions, and perfumes because of how girly they make her feel; has a collection that’s probably on a rotater

Definitely uses sweet pea above all

Tries to get Mai to try some of her fragrances but she has a 30/70 chance of getting her to agree

7/10 another scent that’s not for me

Todo

He has a really intense cleaning regimen and is never caught lackin in the smell department

He gets all the more embarrassed when Yuuji smells stinky next to him and will always make Yuuji shower if thr boy stinks

Other than that, he smelled of an ocean-y cologne before Takada-chan released her perfume collection

Now all he talks about is how he smells like the perfect husband for Takada

Takada’s perfume is really light a floral (along the lines of rose + vanilla) and if Todo runs out, he tries to steal it from Momo’s collection

9/10 minus a point for being a simp

Noritoshi

Smells really clean except for when he’s using his cursed technique

On average, Noritoshi smells like the clean linen spray/ clean laundry

When he uses his technique, he smells like blood and when he uses his technique to “dope”, he smells like sweat

Usually he smells like clean laundry though, he’s very picky about how he smells and hates the smell he gets from using his technique

10/10 for keeping clean

Naoya

If you think this man washes his ass...

Sorry but he’s a little too busy being a misogynist 

Naoya saw the term gooch grease and was like “wow someone gets it!”

-400/10 I’m sick of talking about the ways this man smells like a popped neck pimple

Mahito

Only person that smells worse than Naoya

If Naoya smells like a popped neck pimple, Mahito smells like a literal sewer

He smells like sewage, garbage, rot and decay, melted plastic,etc.

Not only does Mojito’s body stink, his breath stinks, hair stinks, just everything stinks

Jogo and Hanami can’t tell since they don’t have noses but everytime Geto gets a whiff, he dies a little inside

-21982913293237932392379319210391090320323019/10 GET BACK. GET BACK. GET BACK.

Sukuna

Pre-death; he smelled like blood 9 times out of 10 

The other 10% of times he smelled like incense or jasmine but you’d never smell it for long

Post-death; stinky funky and rotten

I’m sorry but 1) he’s a mass murder who literally sits atop a mountain of skulls 2) he’s technically dead and only exists thriugh his fingers

If you think that man smells like anything other than rot and grave wax...

-2/10 be glad he got a higher score than Mahito

Choso

I love Choso with every ounce of my being 

That being said, he smells like a scab

Scabs don’t even have smells but somehow he smells like one 

Alright I’m done slandering him

3/10 because I didn’t have the heart to give him anything lower

Geto(spoilers)

Pre-Gojo angst: Geto was the best smelling sorcerer in the world

He was very meticulous about his grooming routine and showed Gojo how to care for himself w/o the aid of servants

A king of self care and personal grooming 10/10

Post-Gojo angst: Geto really stopped caring about his appearance

He’d keep clean to set a good example for his kids, but he didn’t really see the value of looking decent

Probably says “I refuse to use the technology of monkeys”

Even though Mahito smells worse, Geto does still hang around Mahito and that’s gonna rub off

2/10 take a shower man, sea water doesn’t count as cleaning yourself

Junpei

Junpei smells like dandelions/picked grass and cigarettes

Cigarettes are obviously because his mom smokes them so frequently the smell sticks to him

The dandelions/ picked grass smell is because Junpei spends a lot of time outside 

Out of boredom or a need to keep his negative thoughts at bay, Junpei started picking at the grass

I do think he eventually started weaving flower crowns made of dandelions and strips of grass

6/10 because I feel bad for him

Toji

This man...

As much as I’d like to pretend he smells good, he has a drooling worm hanging off him and  probably owns like one outfit

That being said, he’s not as stinky as Naoya or Mahito (or even Sukuna), because he does clean himself when he has the chance

It’s just that he spends his money so quickly that he kinda forgets sometimes

Although he usually has no problem finding some woman who’d be more than willing to put him up in a hotel room

His smell is musky but it’s not funky

He smells like a guy right before they start to get stinky, it’s a delicate balance

4/10 he’s a lil funky but it kinda feeds his image

[harpersplay]

4x14 Thoughts

I touched on this before, but context fucking matters. Even though it erased Annie's class & Ruby's race while using Beth's momness and whiteness as a shield, the speech in 1x02 works because it's life and death. It works because these women have just been thrown into this scary world and Beth makes a desperate but savvy (she picks up on Rio being more than just a gangbanger and appeals to his business side) plea. She uses what she can (Annie has never brought orange slices to any game ever, let's be real) and saves the day. And yet we see how terrified she was even after it worked. IT WAS AN UNREAL SITUATION THAT FELT REAL. Beth's recent "boss bitch" moments do not work because it's just her fully leaning into the smug entitled white lady role. I feel like too many fans ignore 2x13-3x02. The threat of Rio (and the FBI) was GONE as far as Beth knew. But she decided to do crime. Ruby was stealing from her workplace. Beth was putting Dorothy and Lucy at legal risk by using her store and her work, respectively, to commit crimes without telling them. That's who Beth is. So reframing her actions in S3 & S4 as simply reactions to evil Rio trying to ruin her life not only removes Beth's agency. It is also hollow. Because Beth has zero problem with crime—stealing Gayle's business, bribing a city official, hiring a hitman, setting up an innocent man to be a murderer, making Dean "sell" a hot tub to Mick, selling counterfeit purses, blackmailing men into buying those purses. Beth has a problem with not getting her way. And that's not enjoyable to watch. This is not me saying Beth has to be likeable as in a "good" person. But she has to be likeable to watch. Mary Pat is a total weirdo with very questionable morality, but she's enjoyable to watch. Vance is fucking creepy as shit, but he's enjoyable to watch. And while the show gave both those characters some dimension, it never portrayed them as characters we should unabashedly cheer for. That's not how they write Beth. They still—four fucking seasons in—want us to see her as a mom just trying to survive. But that's not the story plotwise that they have chosen to write. And the fact that Beth's "wins" are almost always at the expense of other women or POC is an added gross factor.

The show needs to make up it's mind about the monetary situation. Either things are dire and they are saving every penny to "escape" to Nevada. Or they have enough money to refurbish Sweet P's and buy Kenny an iPad.

Detroit city council is by district. Why do they keep referencing Ward 5?

Nice of the show to have Dave & Phoebe literally walk thru the situation. Super FUN! that the women who have been in this for years (per date revealed in 4x13) still don't understand how it works. The only way I like this scene is if it is a meta commentary about how the majority of the show stans have never understood how any of the crime aspects work 🧐 And I see that the show is yet again ignoring Turner's whiteboard and everything else implied about Rio's business dealings in S1.

Phoebe's no Turner, but I've never disliked her. She was really good in this episode, but the Phoebe/Beth stuff from stans is annoying. Why are people so into ships where Beth is awful to the other person and yet the other person is willing to risk things for Beth? Wait...I think I answered my own question.

So much wasted time on these MRA guys. I guess they don't need to be ~mysterious~ and I love (I don't) the casual misogyny in all their scenes. Preemptive GTFOH: I know—believe me, more than I want to—that men like this exist. I know it is realistic. But, again, as I mentioned before, the show is more than happy to ignore all types of realism to make the story they want to tell work. So don't tell me that this is simply a reflection of society. Jenna & Co are choosing to write this storyline in this way and she thinks it is fun and comedic.

The show is about the 3 women and anyone asking for more screen time for Rio is a misogynist. One minute spent on Annie's new shitty white male love interest popping her pimple = crickets.

The show is about the 3 women and anyone asking for more screen time for Rio is a misogynist. Dean having the reasonable response to Beth running for city council while she dismisses his legitimate concerns = crickets.

And, btw, Denise doesn't need secret insider information. Even if Dean's police records are sealed—why tho?—the two extremely visible daytime raids on the family businesses would have been on the news. And—gag!—Beth's visit to Denise was hella stupid. Denise is not a criminal, like the girls were in S1, so she has no narrative reason not to call the cops on Beth & her "thug." It was a shallow parallel and just another example of Beth needing a man to handle things for her.

I mentioned in my 4x13 thoughts about how the Sweet P's "fun and empowering...unlikely feminist statement" is bullshit. The girls, specifically Ruby, spent a lot of time judging the dancers. Beth straight up mocked Krystal's voice. They didn't care about implicating them in crime or costing them their jobs when they set up Gene to take the fall for the money laundering. They only "care" now because they need them.

Annie & Nancy's scene would have been nicer if Annie didn't imply that Greg(g)'s cheating was Nancy's failure. Again, they could have had them talk about the cheating and difficulty that Nancy went through as an example of a hardship she overcame. But they CHOSE to have Nancy explicitly frame the business disaster as a personal failing. So having Annie respond with the infidelity doesn't come across as tough love. It comes across as needlessly callous and victim-blaming.

This is long already, so I'm not even going to get into the Beth & Rio conversation at Sweet P's.

Ugh, Rio & Nick. So fucking dumb. Where was Nick before all of this? Why is he flexing his muscle now? With what we've gotten of his characterisation & attitude, are we to believe that this is the first time in 20 years that Rio & Nick have clashed? I would think that he would have been very concerned and involved when Rio drew the attention of the FBI. But Nick was nowhere to be found. (Because these writers don't understand the difference between retconning and world expansion.) Although I did get a chuckle when Nick said, "You think you'd have any of this?" while gesturing to Rio's usually empty bar.

Yet again, no cameras in an area that would most likely have cameras. And white woman Beth implicating gangs (which to cops = Black & brown youth) with her "broken windows theory" scare tactic is disgusting.

Caribbean flair and Mahalo. I'm so goddamn exhausted at this point.

Hello, Random Bitch Wife. FUN!

Hey, speaking of context matters....that entire last scene Beth is actively working with Phoebe & Dave to send Rio to prison. Romance!!!

[zuffer-weird-girl]

So I was throwing away some things and wow bunch of memories some happy and sad moments. So I was wondering Overhaul s/o looking back some stuff she was looking thru in a chest box where all her past belongings where and how overhaul kind of curious what kind of childhood you had since he never had one.

This is really self indulgent forgive me I couldn't help it ;-; love your request btw

"Who is that brat?" The voice of your husband made you jump in surprise.

He could be so quiet while entering on a room that by god you lost count of how many times this man scared the hell out of you.

"Why you always have to be this sneaky..?" You breath out to calm yourself with a hand on your poor heart which almost jumped out of your ribcage.

"Apologies." He said monotonously before taking a seat along with you on the bed and pointing at one of the many pictures you were seing "Answer me. Who is it?"

You giggled before bringing your three years old photo to your side while pointing at your own face with your other hand, smilling.

"Can't recognize me, my devil?"

His eyes widen for a few seconds before returning back to normal, slowly but firmly picking the photo out of your hand to examinate himself.

"Interesting to say the least." You hummed while looking for more "You seemed to be quite a pest."

You gasped in false offense and tried to snatch the picture out of his hands

"Pardon mr Chisaki, but I was a very behaved child!" He arched one eyebrow at that "I'm serious!"

He rolled his eyes bit the hints of a smirk were visible on his features, even despite his usual black mask covering it.

Years of knowing this man... it was the least you could do, telling whenever he was happy or not became much easier.

"Is strange because even looking at it, you looked like a tiny little angel as well." You blushed and just laughed sarcastically at that while he scoffed with a 'stop laughing stupid'

"Ah would you look at that." He yanked away another with one from your hands, ignoring your complains, and looking closely at it.

"You as a infant. So... small."

"Tell that to my mom and my older sister... huge was only a nickname." You deadpanned while remebering.

"What's that black album over there?" He pointed with the photo.

"Ah! When I was around eight months or so I went to the beach with my grandmother and mom and... my dad." You picked the album and opened it to him to show a few shots "A photography came by and asked if he could make a album and record me to put on television. You know? Marketing of the beach or something..."

"... quite popular weren't you?" For some reason he felt a knot forming on his stomach at the information.

"Only when I was a baby then after?" You laughed out loud "Introvert as fuck."

"Language." He snarled. Hidding his relief and the way he seemes pleased at your answer.

"Right. Introvert as hell." He flipped your forehead and smirked slightly at your yelp.

"What about these?"

Your eyed went wide open and snatched away the album from him, causing his own to widen but in surprise and irritation.

"Please for all heavens dont see these ones..."

He narrowed his eyes at you and growled threateningly.

"Do you remember that time when you asked Pops about mine youth? And dared to even laugh along with him?" You gulped nervously while nodding your head, slowly trying to get away from him and the album close to your chest.

"Fair and scare angel, now hand it over." You dodged and this only infuriated him more.

"I'll do whatever you want but just PLEASE everthing excep these ones."

His eye twitched before he sighed out loud, bringing a hand to his face to pinch between his eyebrows.

"Hand. It. Over."

"No."

Before you could noticed, Chisaki just had used his quirk on the bed to cage your arm while he picked with his gloved hand the album with a sarcastic nod.

"CHEATER!"

"No one is yelling here dearest." He said numbly before opening the album.

You brought your hands up to cover your face in shame while you just waited for his dissapointment or even disgust.

"... this is gold." You swore your eyes almost popped out seing him saying that.

"Excuse me??"

"You as a teenager." He muffled his laugh "You just look... devasted."

"Oh screw you mister 'I'm perfect', everyone went through a fase when younger!"

"... I don't remember me just styling my hair in such... a ridiculous way angel." He snickered beneath his mask at your offended gasp and dodge your hand that almost picked the album again.

His face returned to serious one while he glared at the photo in front of him before he looked at you and pited with his palm.

"One family member of yours?"

"Ne? Oh no, this was my first 'boyfriend'." you got closer and snickered "He was a jerk."

He could feel his blood boiling in rage and jealousy at hearing you had dated at such a young age but still was a bit dissapointment and disgust at your choice.

"This brat is hideous. His face looks like it was burned or consumed with pimples. Disgusting."

"Hey, I found him quite cute when I was with him." He glared daggers at you before scoffing.

"Such a terrible taste when you were younger... Wait, you said that he was a jerk just a few seconds ago?" He closed it for a moment before looking at you, his usual cold golden eyes expressing a slightly hint of concern.

"Ah yeah. After two years he started to mentally abuse me and some other things." You laughed bitterly "It happened and when we broke up he thankfully left the school, but since I didn't had many friends I was left... alone, and being quirkless definitely didn't helped my state."

"... Name and age."

"W-What? No Kai. You're not killing him, it was years ago, the guy don't even remember ne surely."

"Name and age. Now." He demanded, his voice lowering down demonstrating his rage and sish to kill.

"M-Maybe later right?" You dodged the subject while he only scoffed.

He was tracking down the bastard, whether you wanting or not.

"Oh look! Me and my half sister!"

He hummed while looking at the photo numbly.

"Doesn't even look like she tried to kill me once right?"

"... now her I know the location. Give a few hours angel I will be back."

"KAI NO-!"

[ramune-raven-art]

I am both pro and anti hazbin hotel. I love the shows idea and designs but I can't get past some horrible flaws the show has

I'm not gonna be one of those dumbass pussy cancel culture babies though, I don't spread lies about vivzie, and I don't take things she did when she was quite literally 18 as proof she's a bad person. People change assholes, shut up. I see people using things she's apologized for too! Which again, she did years ago! Like the whole following transphobic racists, that was years ago. Vivzie changed her mind. She's sorry. And remember when everyone thought she was a pedo cause she had a student teacher and a student fall in love? I guess I'm a pedo too cause my girlfriend's a few months almost a year younger than me huh? Yea. No, the student and the teacher were 1 year apart. People are stupid. Especially when it comes to the Zoophile and tracing allegations! Didn't vivzie also apologise for the tracing that was done in the myspace days? Or does cancel culture like to forget that. And the Zoophile shit is un fucking believable. 1. It just looks like nsfw, can you see anything going on? No? Ok. 2. Mate. They're cartoon snakes. They aren't getting hurt. 3. If you think vivzies bad absolutely none of you better be furry's.

Oh, and let's not forget the homophobic allegations. Yeah no, completely ignore vaggie charlie, and angel. Who is btw, the most realistic gay character I've seen. He's in the sex business, to cope he takes drugs, my mom, who has suffered addiction, can agree on this. Angel is amazingly well written. And those who say he's a stereotype are probably blue haired cat ear wearing girls who think being gay is like Ruby and sapphire from Steven universe. Oh and when people are taking what Katie killjoy said as homophobic, jesus christ people she's obviously a bad guy. Viv isn't trying to make her look good wtf. As an actual lesbian, people who think Vivzie is homophobic need to shut the fuck up.

Now, again, I'm not all for the show. I think there's to much zaney sound effects, there's to much swears, the story moved to fast and you almost get no information on the characters. And from first glance, I can BARELY understand why people think angels a stereotype. But this is just the pilot. So even people like me fucking suck and need to wait for the actual show to come out to see if we like it or not... Also, can I just say

Cancel culture is the ugly puss filled pimple of the internet. Every now and than it just pops off with it's disgusting puss arguments.

We get it cancel culture, you're sad people can change and you can't. You're upset a "bad person" in your eyes can get a show on an actual network, while your sjw pandering art stays in the corner crying about others successes. We get it, you're all fucking losers.

[scaryfaggot]

in like sophomore or junior year i had a friend who was a freshman and. okay for this story keep in mind i have a lot of acne. so since we were in different grades we didnt have any classes together, only treble chorus. and there was like a day off one time bc wed just had a concert or something so we were all just chilling. and this girl and i are talking and then she mentions she likes watchin pimple popping videos on yt. and im like oh gross lol but i dont rly think much of t bc tbh a lot of people at my school liked gross shit like that so i was just like ok. and then another time like. after wed finished music for the day and we were waiting for the bell to ring and like. keep in mind theres risers in this room bc its a music room. and she was sitting on the riser above me. so she was like. hey you have a pimple right there on the back of your neck and i was like umm ok. and she was like Can I Pop It. and im this shy little closeted trans freak and i HATE people isk/im not close to touching me so im like Haha No? Gross? and shes like cmonnnn and im like. 😐 girl no. but then fucking a few minutes later she just DOES IT ANYWAY??? AND IM LIKE OW GIRL WHAT. AND SHES LIKE lol sorry 😌😏.

and like ok that on its own is weird but then next year she joins the gsa (which i was already a member of) and im like Oh Dear God. and we were still like Friends Ish bc like. idk im just kinda quirky and cant confront people so i wasnt abt to be like hey i dont want to talk to u anymore. well anyway in gsa i find out shes tge kind of person people are usually talking about when they say "tumblrite". i find out she has a r*pe f*tish (GIRL YOURE LIKE 14 OR 15 HELLO CHILL????) among other weird shit. and i liked the gsa so i wasnt about to leave so i suffered the rest of my high school years around this girl. one time she had me add her on insta and then when i got home and like Actually looked at her instagram i saw like 5 posts abt su*cide so i blocked her bc that shits triggering as hell. she had a tumblr btw but i didnt ask for it bc f i did then shed know i have a tumblr and try to make me add her

[flightysquip]

also time for some mental health babbling

this isn’t a rant or a complaint.  this is genuinely me curious.

so like

not that there are a ton of depictions of bipolar disorder in media (*that actually focus on treatment or humanizing the character or whatever, that isn’t just shorthand for Evil Or Slutty Person) but most of them i can think of off the top of my head (and i’ve been guilty of this myself in my writing in the past), when they name a medication, immediately go to lithium

which, like, i get it in a sense.  it’s an easy shorthand for bipolar treatment (i would guess a similarity would be ‘depressed person always prescribed prozac’ but my knowledge of antidepressants is not the strongest, the only experience i have with antidepressants was celexa and resulted in hospitalization).  and, like, it also sounds hardcore and medieval as fuck (well, that’s at least my reaction when i hear it mentioned), so it probably makes it easier to justify the inevitable ‘bipolar person stops taking their meds’ storyline that will inevitably pop up.  those are just sorta my guesses.

my question is

like

does anyone’s doctor, when they’re first starting treatment for bipolar (and i’m talking bipolar 1 specifically), actually jump immediately to lithium?

my experiences are limited, of course, and i’m just talking about myself personally.  and i’m sure factors like family history and severity and all of that come into play, maybe affects of other drugs on the patient or whatever.  i don’t know.  i really don’t.  i was initially diagnosed by a, like, a standard MD or whatever, like, a primary care doctor (i just mean she wasn’t a psychiatric doctor).  I made an appointment, went in because i thought i had depression, she did her assessment, diagnosis, and started discussing treatment options.  she DID mention lithium, but not in a “this is a possible route we could go” way but as a sort of, like, potential escalation if other meds didn’t work.  she also stated that she’d rather not go this route because taking lithium requires routine bloodwork and, I think her exact words were that it was a much more ‘high maintenance course of treatment’ than lamictal or some of the other options (i mean, obviously with lamictal you have to worry about the infamous “rash”, but no blood work was required, no concerns about it damaging your liver or anything in the same way that you have to monitor with lithium--again from my understanding with what she communicated that day).

she also started me on a really low dose, too, and built me up.  it wasn’t just ‘here’s a mindnumbing dose of this medication you’ve never taken, go on your way’.  i guess i can understand why this isn’t as explored in media though--it’s not really sexy or exciting, the little microadjustments and all that.

anyway, when i was eventually hospitalized (and taken off the celexa that i’d been prescribed to help with anxiety lol), once again the doctors in the psych facility did assessments and discussed treatment plans and all of that.  and i had another med added in addition to removing the celexa and keeping the lamictal.  and once again, lithium was discussed, as a sort of “if these meds don’t work, we have other options up to and including this form of treatment” and once again i was given the “we would rather not go that route” talk (i’m not saying this means lithium is bad btw!  i have no experience taking it, and different meds work for different people.  i just mean it’s a little ??? that almost all media i’ve consumed that features bipolar/manic-depressive patients, lithium is usually so casually namedropped).  side note, the whole experience of being committed involved a lot of assessments of other possible diagnoses because, like, bipolar holds a lot of similarities to other disorders (shoutout to my bpd and adhd sibs!)

and when i was released from the hospital and starting seeing a psychiatrist, once again we touched on treatment options, diagnosis, etc etc.  once again i went through some mild adjustments and communication about treatment options and so on.  and, like, i guess the reason i bring that up is, i’ve had multiple different levels of assessment (general practitioner, crisis/emergency psychiatric care, specialized week by week psychiatrist), and a fair discussion of meds and options, i’ve never been prescribed lithium or even had it seriously considered.  and, though again this is all anecdotal of course, i have a fair amount of friends/associates/familywhatever you want to call them who have bipolar disorder too, and i think maybe one of them has disclosed taking lithium (shit this makes it sound like i spend all my time sitting around talking about meds and symptoms with anyone who discloses their mental illness to me lmao fuck i’m obnoxious!).

you know what med universally gets brought up though across the board?  lamictal (my uncle even got that infamous rash, so i know it’s not actually a scare tactic!).  this isn’t me saying this should be the new shorthand medication in shows with bipolar characters.  but it’s just funny to me, i guess, that my personal experience doesn’t have a running narrative of “evil personality warping lithium!!!!” instead it’s “so hey i’m having my dose adjusted on this developed-as-an-antiseizure-med and hey does this look like a cluster of pimples or is it a rash because apparently if i get a rash i gotta hurry my ass to the doctor or i’ll die”

and i don’t know if maybe experiences with psychiatric care are just radically different elsewhere in the country, or if hollywood is just being hollywood, if it’s just out of date information or if my experiences are abnormal or what.  i mean, i guess it’s more, like, some variety would be nice, maybe?  not just in meds either, but all aspects.  some variety would be cool.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

Skincare/ makeup culture ☕️

oooh. i’ll divide this post into two parts: makeup culture and skincare culture.

(1.) makeup culture.

i think everyone knows that I’ve never liked makeup, mostly because I had relatively bad cystic acne throughout high school, that reacted badly to all of the makeup that my sister used (but most particularly her l’oreal foundation). I think makeup culture is particularly harmful to young girls, like the makeup youtube channels that are run by the parents I suppose of 8 year olds, where the 8yo is the actual youtuber.

like don’t get me wrong, i know young girls like playing with makeup (I actually did when I was that age, funnily enough)….. but the fact that professional or just plain fucking ridiculously expensive makeup palettes are now being marketed to girls in bloody primary/grade/elementary school, is just fucking wrong. and yeah there’s the post on here about how some younger girls are finding themselves ugly when they don’t wear properly applied makeup or something like that. and that breaks my heart. why the fuck should a young girl be made to feel ugly if she can’t blend like josiemaycosmetics (I made that up btw idk any makeup channels besides Jeffree star, James Charles and that tatti woman tbh) and can’t afford the bullshit Too Faced $98 powered foundation, $65 Sunday Riley blush (I roughly remember the price of this particular blush bc my sister bought it for me for my 20th birthday so that I could according to her “look good for uni” but I never actually used it lmao… and it’s no longer sold here in australia) and Kylie Jenner’s overpriced lip kits and idk Smashbox “photo finish” primer priced between $AU23-$AU55????

like I had this bad enough in fucking HIGH SCHOOL with my sister telling me that I’d “never get a boyfriend” or “never get a date for the formal/junior prom” if I didn’t spend hundreds of $$$$ for a good face of makeup and didn’t spend hours and hours learning how to do my own makeup. or how last year for my uni grad, she made out that I’d ruin my own uni grad if we didn’t spend $250 on the makeup artist we got for me….. where I unfortunately found out that my skin reacts to MAC products 😭😨 bc the MUA used MAC concealer and foundation. my sister also expected me to remember the setting spray the woman used for my makeup, when I was there from like 4:30am till like 6:45am and i was barely fucking awake. the setting spray probably could’ve easily cost over $100. let’s be real here. like why am I expected to remember shit that early in the morning???

one of my least favourite things with makeup culture is that you’re not meant to fuck it up in any way, shape or form. like when my sister did my makeup for my two high school formals/proms (year 10 & year 12) she constantly told me not to scratch my face while she was doing it (but it made me itchy, hooray for L’Oréal being shit lmao)…. not to fuck it up while I ate at those events….. and she didn’t let me eat before my uni grad last year bc “you’d definitely fuck up your makeup. don’t you dare scratch your face at all today!” like for someone who has hypersensitive/highly reactive skin that she has to scratch when it’s itchy….. and also loves fucking stuffing her face with food….. expecting me to never touch/scratch my face and to practically starve myself to preserve the integrity of my makeup (that i ended up paying for some in the end anyway) for an event is fucking stupid and over-restrictive.

like i always hated the way that the kardashians ate on KUWTK bc it looked so fucking mechanical and whatever bc they had to obvs preserve their makeup while shooting and also look nice for the camera. like why the fuck am I expected to eat ~like that~ when I have a faceload of MU on???? FUCK OFF. I will scratch it off. I will smear the food all over my face (ok not really) and eat however I motherfucking want, thank you very fucking much. like for my uni grad last year I was up from 4am and my grad ended at like 12:30pm….. so I didn’t have food til about 12:35 when I left the hall. and the whole time while I was eating my sister kept reminding me to not fuck up my makeup that we’d spent $250 on. JUST LET ME FUCKING EAT WOMAN, I SWEAR TO FUCK. lmao.

the last thing I hate the most about makeup culture is that like….. I absolutely hate makeup like I said above….. but once I have it on I feel pretty and cry a bit bc I’ll just never learn to do it myself…. mostly bc I couldn’t be bothered…. bc I save hundreds, if not thousands of $$$$ from not buying all the bullshit essential items you need just for a ~basic no makeup, makeup look~, and bc my hands have never been steady enough to use some of the things, like false eyelashes and eyelash curlers or liquid eyeliner/normal eyeliner….. 

but yeah. I just hate that it makes me feel pretty???? but I also feel good and more natural without it???? and I’ll never like my sister’s comment that: “you’re the prettier one out of the two of us…. but if only you hurried up and learnt to do your makeup, you’d be even prettier” or some dumb semi-condescending shit comment she’s said to me like that before. like why is the only way a woman can be pretty (other than some clothes that make her feel good) by smearing 100s/1000s of dollars worth of makeup on???? like why the fuck am I expected to spend all that money when a good bulk of men will never bother with the male makeup trend anyway???? like why am I expected to act differently when I basically just have grown up face-paint on lmao???? I’ve never felt natural in makeup, I’ve always felt awkward and like…. not sound like an cringey edgelord emo kid…. but i never felt ~real~ wearing makeup lmao. just yeah.

but yeah I also understand makeup is an art and I appreciate that. makeup culture is so fucked on all sides for women.

(2.) skincare culture:

now skincare culture is different for me. considering that, like I said before, I had relatively bad cystic acne…. and I’ve since also developed eczema during the winter months….. so I’ve had to develop a good skincare routine over the years to keep my skin under control. but again, there are parts that I don’t like about skincare culture…. like women are typically meant to spend, again, hundreds and if not thousands of dollars on super expensive skin creams (some of which I’ve tried) to fix their fine lines, their laugh lines, their crows feet, their blemishes, their birth marks and cellulite…… the list truly goes on and on….. and on top of that (well this hellsite which isn’t entirely accurate) I’m, or we as women, are expected to teach all of that to men in their 20s???? like fuck off. why and how the fuck didn’t they get the fucking memo to look after their own goddamned skin???? like my 20s are already tiring enough, and now I gotta pass on important skincare advice to men, who could easily fucking find it themselves online???? lord help their asses lmao.

but other than the men bit…. yeah skincare culture is just as bad as makeup culture. like when Cosmo mag was still running in australia, more than half of the shit the women at Cosmo were advertising as part of their skincare routines were literally $300 night treatment creams or moisturisers; $150 facial cleansers; or $500 skin peels, or $600 appointments at dermatologists and skin therapies like electrolysis that I’ll probs never be able to afford. like one of the luxury brands that I LOVE (💖) is Mario badescu bc the two pimple treatments that i sometimes I use from them (the drying lotion and the anti-acne serum) are the ONLY two acne treatments that have NEVER made my face turn red and my skin peel off (besides a really good neutrogena one that Neutrogena discontinued 😭). every other chemist bought pimple treatment cream makes my skin peel off/itchy/turn red. but sadly the two Mario badescu treatments are priced over $50 if bought together (ones now $31 (formerly $28, this one’s great bc it dries clear), the other is like $26, this one dries pink). so the chemist bought ones like the ones by Clearasil or OXY10 are my saviours at $11.99-$12.99, even though they dry out my skin to buggery and leave big white marks on my face bc they both dry white lmao. but I’ve gotta suffer that for the price of beauty lmao.

also there’s expensive face washes (or skin care program packs etc) from Paula’s choice that I love.... but again they were like $35 for a 400ml bottle and $25 for a fucking 150ml or 250ml bottle. now the one i like is $20 for 177ml, which is a rip off. some of the other luxury things that I’ve tried (via free samples) that don’t work, like Kate Somerville (priced at like $65 and over), Philosophy and god knows what else that i’ve bought from Mecca Cosmetica, which is the Aussie version of Sephora in the past. and yes, for acne treatments, i’ve used pro-activ before. it was ok… but i never used it in high school, after the awful time we had trying to cancel our subscription to it back in the day for my sister lol.

also can we talk about the ultrasonic face brush systems that are still raging strongly??? like they’re also super rip offs, especially with buying replacement heads for $35 a pop. like I’ve had a Clarisonic for years (that I’ve stopped using, admittedly)…. the model was roughly $250 when I got it for my like 19th birthday. now they’re even more expensive at like $315 for the latest “clarisonic mia fit cleansing system” which is linked on the $315. or now there’s the foreo that costs anywhere between $75 (the cheapest model) to fucking almost $400… ie $395. the replacement heads for the clarisonic and i suppose replacement like pads or something for the foreo are meant to be replaced every three months “for optimum cleansing” or whatever. like $35 every three months is a lot to maintain after a while. also using the clarisonic added like 10 extra minutes to my showers/general skincare routine bc you’re meant to use it for five mins or whatever and then spend another 5mins washing it out to make sure that it doesn’t collect mould and buildup too much soap residue. it was just a lot of effort to use, even if it did make me feel like i had a better and deeper face washing routine.

and yes, i know there’s Lush. both my sister and i (but more my sister) were obsessed with Lush back in high school, after one of our sydney cousins introduced it to us. but Lush’s skincare stuff for pimples just never worked for us. it made me breakout more, actually. but their old apple pie and choc-orange lip balms were the BOMB. it’s a pity that they no longer make them tbh. their jelly soaps were fun to use and smelt nice too. i can’t remember much else about lush tbh lmao.

for face masks, i’ve found that store/chemist bought formula 10.0.06 or whatever works the best for my skin. but the push, especially again in cosmo and other places, to buy more expensive face-masks and like designer FMs that you should really ask a professional to use first imo, is fucking harmful, especially when you’ve got ones that take off the whole top layer of skin from your face (like the famous and the overly popular charcoal face peel masks), or so i’ve read. like it’s yikes out there. please be safe with these masks, ya’ll. and the same goes for making your own organic face masks, considering that i’ve seen posts on here about using lemon juice which is bad for your skin??? idk anyway. i also hate how with the face masks i buy, there’s about 6 different “skin-illuminating”/“skin brightening”/”skin detoxing” etc masks, that all essentially do the same fucking thing. just keep it at one and fucking go; for gods fucking sake lmao.

but yeah, skincare culture does suck just as much as makeup culture, considering that is heavily focused on women’s self-esteem and wallets…. and barely ever focuses on men. like it’s a double-edged sword tbh.

also as side notes: why the actual fuck are makeup companies still giving their makeup shades or makeup lines sexual names???? like i just found a fucking blush shade by NARS, in my research for this post, called “Orgasm”???? like what the FUCK is wrong with ya’ll??? like y’all actually have the fucking AUDACITY to really make 8 year olds say that in their makeup tutorial videos as well??? “our best selling orgasm collection” sweet lord. that sounds bad. y’all need to sort your shit out, and so do the people who name nail polish shades.. 

the other worrying general beauty trends that i keep getting on my facebook newsfeed are the teeth whitening systems like hismile and at home laser treatment machines… and then also the charcoal toothpastes to whiten your teeth. oh and also the facial skin “vacuums”, that suck out dirt/oil and your blackheads/pimples etc from your pores. stay safe out there everyone, and do your bloody research. don’t believe the reviews and the hype.

also finally: take your skin type and skin condition/(s) into account if you want to use any of the things that I’ve mentioned that I use/have used on this post. or that I’ve just generally mentioned, like the Clarisonic and the foreo. because what works for me, might not work for you. I’m not a skincare expert or dermatologist. check with your doctor or a skincare professional or whatever before you start using some of these things, even if you might think that it’s stupid & pointless to do so.

[lilgurlwithcomplicatedfeels]

Emotions

Do you ever feel like... Things are so great but theres this one part of your life you wish you could change so that you could be more confident in yourself? Fair warning: If you're my sister this might hurt you. So read at your own risk. I do. Its like this small splinter that I just can't block out anymore. When I was younger, I had none of my mother's attention. I was basically an outcast in my own family. There was even a time where my own sister called me a "mistake" which my mother quickly rejected the thought. Getting upset at my sister who said it. But Deep inside I was hurt, because I even thought of that. But I couldn't tell my mom that at the time. I was so quiet, I never asked for money to go to sports events. Even though I wanted to. I always did most of the chores, and sometimes ended up staying home alone. Because my sister... Well she had depression and she was trying to recover. Me on the other hand, I was the completely stable kid. Only slight behavioral issues. Some lying and some defiance, but in the end I was still a good kid. I usually confided in my mom's fiancee, who I considered my dad. I trusted him and he made good out of that trust. Teaching me about life and such. I felt like I belonged, but it was still hurting. I wanted my mom back in my life, but it was always about my big sister... I get my sister has issues, but now I'm scared to even do anything. On my sister's graduation, I decided to tell my sister what sort of dress I wanted to wear. It was the cutest thing, and I loved it. I felt excited! I was going to be feminine for once! nope. My sister convinces me to be matching with her, and we get one pieces. Along with sunflower bracelets. I'm standing there accepting it, looking in the mirror. I looked good, but I was hurt. My heart was hurting because I voiced it. I said what I wanted to wear, but I couldn't push back to say. HEY! I wanna do this! Now I'm just a confused gal trying to making past the next marker and survive. Yeah, I don't have depression. But I have anxiety in a different form. I don't have panic attacks, I just randomly start biting my nails or I start to pick my face. If theres a pimple, I pop it. I try to stop myself, and recently I've been able to avoid overall my face. My nails however... Theres been alot of people telling me to get a nail polish for it, but thats not the solution I want. I want to feel like I dont need to bite my nails, I want to feel comfortable. But I'm still nervous. My sister's left the house, but there are times where I'm scared that my mother. Who I have an amazing relationship with now, will leave me again. Then run off and push her own body to satisfy my sister's wants. Again, I said "Wants". Everything's been about what my sister wants. She doesn't want to do anything. I have to do everything. Chores are too much for her, I have to do them all. There was even a point in time where I was in my room, peacefully resting. Suddenly my dad bursts into the door, telling me the floors flooded with water. I yell back that my sister had done the dishes today(for once). She had forgotten to turn the water off afterwards. After that incident, I usually did the dishes. I had to make sure I get them done in the mornings before I went to school too. And to do that I woke up at 5-6 am. Got ready, all dressed and packed up. Then I went onto the bus at 7-7:30. I was a tired kid, but I managed to get pretty good grades in all my classes. But for some reason, my sister didn't get very good grades. Which confused me, what was she spending all her time on? Oh. Friends. That's what. So I was mostly on my own since I never felt like I belonged in a certain group. So I just... Walked away, Idk why im saying all this in a tumblr post. Maybe its because I secretly want my sister to see how bad I was hurt. How badly I was affected... I have a part of me that blames her for alot of things. Small little splinters that slowly sunk in. My discomfort for the color yellowish-green. (it was a nice shirt too... Ended up giving it

to her.) My concern over money. (She'd always end up going everywhere and I got concerned if my mom could afford it, so I just didn't go.) My fear of being hurt by people. (She'd say things like this person has a bad aura, when in reality this person just looked suspicious.) The fact that I don't have much hobbies since me and her had similar interests. (I always felt like I was her shadow, and when I started to get into things, she just went like "Oh... ok bye!") The sheer lack of attention I got. She was always hogging my mom's attention. Leaving me all alone and I barely knew anything about my mom. At one point my dad told me to go get a gift for my mom. I didn't know what to get. I was crying so hard because this wasn't my fault. After that, my dad apologized to me. Same with my mom, they both apologized. Then alot of crazy stuff happened including her moving out. (the moving out part I want to keep seperate.) I learned about my mom, about everything she likes. She saw how little she knew about me as well, and pretty soon she felt guilt as well. How could she tell me to get her something, when she knew nothing about me. For my 12th birthday I asked for rollerskates. We went to ripleys aquarium, and I was throughly enjoying myself. We saw the shrimp and the jellyfish. All the creatures in the sea was so fun to see... But then.... On my birthday- My sister suddenly says that she's anxious. (too many people around for her). Of course, I'm considerate but sometimes I wish I just put my foot down and said **"No! I wanna stay longer!"** But of course, I was the good kid. So hey! Yeah, I felt all this. So a part of me hates you, but I still care about you. You're my sister, but did you ever really... Love me? Thats my question for you. Instead of crying, I want you to really think. Whenever you gave me something, was it really something that made me happy? Or was it something that made only you happy? Because the more I think of the past, the more I remember the times when I fake smiled. Following in your footsteps because you were always talking about your own issues when in reality you should've only spoken to a therapist like I did. When shit got rough in school, I saw a therapist. I talked about my issues, there were even times when I just asked if I could have a nap or eat some lunch. It was the best place to just unwind. -AH! another thing that confused the fuck outta me. A really fricking nice teacher spent lots of money on you, gave you a place to hang out at during lunchtime. Was supportive even outside of school. Then suddenly you say "No I didn't like them.." **WHAT? THEY HELPED SO MUCH AND YOU SAY THAT?? IM SO CONFUSED?** I loved that teacher btw, they were very supportive and always set up academic bowl and were really supportive. There was this one time I got sick on a trip, then when I finally got home. I got much better. But that teacher kept checking on me, and making sure I had some food into me as I shivered from my illness. That teacher was the best, and they were always really huggy and comfortable. They are a taurus so it makes sense they had this motherly feel around them. Anyways- thats my piece for today. I just really needed to let this out.

[thefunksoldiers-blog]

How That Crusader Krazy Kim Is About To Wreck Shop on Mayte’s Rescue

You gotta give it to Kim. If nothing else, she’s relentless. But, as usual, she’s WRONG:

Kim. Kimmers. Kimmie! Girl, we tried to inform you so you don't have to get in trouble, taking your husband with you since you use his name for your totally unscrupulous activities on Mayte's behalf.  These include creating Twitter, Facebook and Instagram accounts to harass, stalk and just be an utter annoyance to anyone who is not impressed by the person you call "Mighty Mayte" (a title which, by the way implies one has strength. Mayte can't even do her own bidding. She gets her hooligans, like you, and the rest of the Mindless Mayte Posse to wrangle the life out of something that died a long time ago: her relationship with Prince). Mayte keeps her hands off of certain things not because she trusts you, but because she knows that when the hammer lifts to hit the metal the only people standing underneath it are Kimmie Kim and the Shady Bunch. She may be ignorant, but she's not totally stupid.

While Mayte has 501(c)3 tax-exempt status, that doesn't mean her organization operates within the legal premises of the states in which she filed Articles in of Incorporation with their respective Secretaries of State (California and Florida). The federal status means that the organization is exempt from paying taxes on donations and goods to service the organization’s purpose and that anyone who donates is able to write off their donations for tax credits each year by in April 15. That is it! It doesn't mean that the organization can bypass state requirements in registering with the Attorney General, or that you as a principal fundraiser (which you are since you edged out everyone else to assume that role in Mayte's life) is exempt from registering as such in both California and in New York. It also doesn't mean that these raffles you hold are free from legal action or investigation by the aforementioned states. You have violated the statutes of two states over the last year and Mayte in CA for 4 years, FL for two.

First, charitable raffles cannot be held on the internet at all. People must physically buy a ticket and have an equal chance of winning. Larger donations cannot be considered more favorably than others. But before we even get to that, a charity raffle has to be registered and the organization must have the registration letter in hand when they begin announcing the raffle. Furthermore, in order to even register a raffle, the organization must be registered with DOJ (a step you and Mayte have both insisted wasn't necessary). Ha! Guess it was. We know for sure Mayte's Rescue is not, she was mailed a letter directing her to do so, she did file the forms they provided and the $25 fee, but didn't supply all the required documentation. Apart from that, to register a raffle, the organization must also have their letter of registration with the Tax Board of CA. This is a key piece of documentation she doesn't have because she never filed a return for the rescue with the Board ever.

Now, as far as New York, the laws are very similar, which means you have to register the raffle there as well since you are promoting it and have claimed ownership of the social media group of nearly 5,000 hosting them. But, like CA, internet raffles are forbidden by law. So, instead, let's talk about this group. The group was clearly designed to support the rescue, which is a federal tax-exempt organization. This means that all activities are required to be made public. You are representing her rescue now, she's endorsed your group, you can no longer operate as a private citizen, you are working on behalf of a tax-exempt organization and are subject to the same state and federal laws that govern organization related activities across the board. While you were busy trying to outshine Dave in Mayte's eyes, we were watching everything you did. Actually a few hundred pairs of eyes have been watching, taking screenshots, and sharing. There's so much mess you pulled, we had to create a separate folder of your online antics because it's too much. You are doing the absolute most and it is unnecessary. Are you that unfulfilled in life that Mayte is all you have?! Have you nullified all aspects of common sense and sanity in your life?! Krazy Kim (new nickname), this is just a taste of what we have to correct you on. There’s more. There’s always more...

We have posted multiple links. Reading is fundamental and will keep you out of trouble (unless the last thing you read is The Most Beautiful and in that case, you need to up the ante on your choices of literature).  The fact that we can read the legislation and call for detailed explanations as to how it all is implemented doesn’t make us haters--- it makes us smart.  If you were the same, you would get out of the emotional Mayte bit and handle business like a boss before you start running your mouth about what can and cannot be done. The fact that you continue to insist there have been no legal violations where there are very obvious ones proves you are not about this nonprofit life at all. But, we would be remiss if we did not provide you with the statutes to read on your own:

General information on California Raffles: https://oag.ca.gov/charities/raffles

California Statute on Charitable Raffles: https://oag.ca.gov/sites/all/files/agweb/pdfs/charities/statutes/pc320.pdf?

California Nonprofit Raffle Program Regulations: https://oag.ca.gov/sites/all/files/agweb/pdfs/charities/statutes/raffles_t11c15s410-426.pdf?

NY Statute on Charitable Raffles: https://www.charitiesnys.com/pdfs/raffles.pdf

NY Laws for Charitable Gaming: https://www.gaming.ny.gov/charitablegaming/

BTW, Dave, you're welcome. Consider this Kim dragging, jewel-dropping session our gift to you.  Be ready to assume your rightful position, once again, as Mayte’s right arm and business adviser because we aren’t anywhere near done with Kim.

UPDATE:

We mentioned earlier Kim’s likability issue. Well seems like some folks who read this wanted us (and you) to see these. Just sent to us in the last half hour:

We told you she was vile. If more come in, we will post them. Though, we don’t really need to, seems Kim has done enough damage. Makes you wonder who is really in control there. Mayte or Krazy Kim the Reckless Crusader. The proof is in the pics. Mayte, this is your second warning about her, you need to pop that pimple on your own!

[pastelneons]

Living With an Autoimmune Disease

Hello! I was preparing my turmeric tea this morning when a sudden thought came to me... Why haven’t I written anything about turmeric yet?

The root of it all is... (Oh, boy! This feels like another long story.)

It was April of 2016 when I had a small bump on my armpit. It started with just the size of a pimple so i just ignored it. I thought that it was just another bump from hair removal. But I noticed that it grew by day and it is something that never happened to me before. Not only did it grow, but it also grew with pain---the swollen kind of pain. The bump was very tender and sensitive to touch. It got to a point when I had a real hard time to lift up my arms because of it. It grew at around 3 inches wide, embossed on my skin, and covered almost the entirety of my armpit. I decided to go to the doctor to have it checked out because it’s not decreasing in size. I was referred to a surgeon when I told the guy from the HMO office that I need a bump checked out. When the surgeon saw it, he told me that I should’ve went to a dermatologist, but he still gave me prescription for antibiotics (co-amoxiclav). He also instructed me to put hot compress on it whenever I have time and also put gauze pad on it after I bathe. Sure enough, after 1 week of meds, the bump was gone and I was back to normal.

After a month, it happened to me again, so I just bought the same meds. It reoccurred for several times (maybe around 6 or 7),  alternating on my right and left armpit, within April - December of 2016. It was only until December of 2016 when I got worried about the reoccurrence of the bumps. I thought that maybe there is something wrong with my body that the first doctor missed. So I went to another doctor. This time around, I went to a dermatologist and then she explained to me that these bumps form tunnels. And then the tunnels will connect to each other  and it will eventually spread on the axillary area. She also told me that I will have it until I get old. I even felt her frustration when she told me that I am too young and it will look ugly in time. And, oh! She suggested to me right away to have a surgery called marsupialization. She gave me a different kind of antibiotic (doxycyclin) and she expected that the bump’s center will soften and will eventually pop. It never happened. Just like before, the bump just depleted until it went back to normal. She didn’t tell me what it is and I forgot to ask so, when I got home, I searched it on google. That was when I found out about this autoimmune disease called hidradenitis suppurativa. At that time, I wasn’t sure if that is exactly what I have, but I know that I have its symptoms. I started watching videos about it and felt kinda depressed for a little while. I kept on picturing on my mind how I might be one of those persons someday.

It was December and new year was just around the corner so I made vow and told myself that I would eat healthier this 2017 to avoid flare-ups. I have learned that nightshades, sugar, and preservatives are the usual trigger factors of flare-ups. I have followed that diet for quite some time and when I felt that it wasn’t coming back, I slowly transitioned back into my unhealthy eating. It was around 2nd week of January when I had my first flare-up for 2017. I felt defeated and depressed. I can’t do anything aside from going to the doctor to get another prescription so I can buy meds. I went to a different hospital (St. Luke’s) and met another doctor. This time, it was confirmed to me that I have hidradenitis suppurativa. He just looked at it and then bam! He knew what it was. Ever sinceI googled it, I have already accepted that it‘s a big chance that it’s HS, but little did I know that it would feel differently when someone confirms that your speculation is true. It was both depressing and relieving. He gave me clindamycin and mupirocin. I actually think that the ointment didn’t do any good because my kind of bumps are happening internally (there’s no pus coming out anywhere unlike the other people’s condition).

*** I tried looking for a pic which I can insert here just to show how it looks like, but they’re too graphic and too depressing to be added in here. Btw, I am at stage 1. ***

It has been 2 months now since I had my last flare-up. After doing an elimination process, I now believe that my trigger foods are tomatoes and potatoes. I’m also unsure about dairy so I just don’t consume a lot of them. I remember that I consumed too much milk, because of eating cereals daily, during the period when I got lots of flares. Now, I also try to drink as much turmeric extract as I can. Sadly, sometimes I miss it and it lasts up to around 4 days until I drink another cup. I think that the turmeric is somehow helping me so I buy whenever I see one.

Living with a rare autoimmune disease is hard and it’s something that you’d rather keep to yourself. Why?

It is embarrassing. In a support group that I am following, they usually speak of staying away from people because of the foul odor that the pus gives off. Sometimes, there really are people who call them out because of the odor. And I can only imagine how depressing that is --- to be dealing with something you didn’t want to have in the first place and getting called out for it.

It’s hard to explain to people. Unlike other autoimmune diseases, diabetes for example, HS is not common knowledge. Most people would think that you have it because of lack of personal hygiene when it’s actually not. It’s happening to us because of abnormalities inside our bodies that we have no control of.

People don’t know/wouldn’t understand much pain you’re dealing with.

So, this is me sending all my love to all the HS warriors out there. And here’s pictures of turmerics which inspired me to write this blog entry. LOL

[whatifeelslikeforagirl-blog]

Fail Tale

At almost thirty-two, Sally is at a fairly good stage in her life. She likes her job as a teacher in a private school, she has a regular amount of friends she can trust and, she believes, know her. She gets along with her family and sees them more often than national holidays. She lives in a big city that she loves and she goes out for drinks, coffees, lunches and dinners at regular and irregular intervals, planned or improvised. She buys clothes, buys make-up, buys food, and buys jewels.  She goes to exhibitions, concerts, foreign film festivals, classic film festivals, and regular movie showings. She does all of this generally not by herself, but sometimes she does.

Overall, Sally is a pretty happy person. Of course it saddens her that it has not occurred. “Yet,” she says, when asked about her sentimental life. “Not yet.” It also saddens her that she has lost count of the number of boys she slept with. Sally is a helpless romantic, and every time she goes to bed with a boy, she opens a window of possibilities. Maybe he’ll fall in love, maybe he will call her back, maybe he’ll break up with his girlfriend, maybe he will want to take her to dinners, drinks, lunches, coffees, exhibitions, foreign film festivals. But for now, it just did not happen. 

She knows that thirty-two is not that old, but she can start to feel her body decaying. Actually, she does not really know if her body was once stable. For as long as she can remember, her body has been changing. Every day of her life, when undressing to take a shower, a bath, or to try on clothes, the shape and contours of her body seem different. Some clothes fit one day, and the next, for some hidden reason, the fabric is too tight or too loose. Hairs grow, pimples appears, skin gets dry, greasy, soft or rough in places that were even and undistinguishable from other parts  twelve hours before.  

Quite often, she makes the changes herself: scissors for the bangs, tweezers for a new brow shape, do-it-you-self hair coloring, - ‘Midnight Ruby’, ‘Chocolate Cherry’, ‘Cool Chestnut Brown’, Midnight Star’ or ‘Crushed Garnet’,  - her favorite hobby. It can also be a new diet, a new of cardio-training, a new perfume. The changes always bring the promise of something new, and for a few hours she truly believes that 'Blowout Burgundy' will break the pattern of her half fulfilling life. 

Sally decides to go out tonight, her and two of her friends are meeting in front of the club where a young and promising band is playing. Judy has to take picture for the webzine she works for, Cece is supposed to accidentally run into her ex. Sally plans on drinking colorful cocktails and feeling dizzy enough to eye languorously some guy she does not know yet. She will laugh about it with her girlfriends in the bathroom, as if they were still twenty seven. 

Things go as planned. The music is good and a little chaotic. The club smells like sweat, beer and leather, but Sally mainly smells her own hair. The scent of her new coloring -"French-Roast"- is not strong enough to cover the greasy, powerful odor of the Japanese Yakitori they all ate for dinner before coming in the club. It disgusted her, so she smoked a lot of cigarettes in the patio before the show started, in vain. 

Later, Judy is taking pictures backstage. Cece is kissing her ex-boyfriend. Sally is eyeing languorously a tall, dark haired man in his late thirties wearing a Joy Division t-shirt, black jeans, and Beatles-boots. He responds to her eyeing by buying her a drink. Soon enough, they are kissing. It’s blurry but efficient. Sally wants to go home with him, but as she exits the bathroom bragging tackily about her plans, Judy tells her that it's better to give him her number, and see him again in a few days. 

"But what if he doesn't call back?"

"Then he's not worth it, Sal." At this exact moment Sally knows she will never understand that game. She wants it now, he wants it now. Why not? Girls are supposed to act in mysterious ways she never gets.

She wants to answer Judy and say that she at least wants to have sex, but she knows how it will sound: like she's lying and what she longs for is what happens after sex. The lunches and the dinners and the exhibitions and the classic film festivals. So, she doesn't lie and is hoping to break the pattern.

Sally orders another drink, and loudly whispers in Mister Joy Divison's ear that she has to go home alone tonight. He asks for her number instantly, which Sally considers as a good sign. He immediately send her a text stating,  "Now you can call me, too," which Sally does not consider as such a good sign because now she will have to decide who's going to call first. 

The next morning, Sally quickly makes the math in her head: Monday she is leading the parent-teacher meeting, Wednesday she's supposed to have a drink with Cece. She's free Tuesday and Thursday and has a family weekend planned out of the city. In the meantime, she has to find a moment to go to get waxed down there, as a basic sign of respect, but mostly for confidence. This should be doable. He just has to call.

At about six on Saturday, Sally starts thinking that maybe she could call him on Monday, just to secure her schedule. She knows it would be better if he calls. She’ll feel better about it. But, if that's him who will take her to dinners, lunches, coffees, foreign film festivals, concerts and regular movie showings, will it really matter who called? 

Sunday night at about seven, Sally decides to text him. She thinks about proposing to meet over coffee, but dates over coffee never get her into bed. She always feels better when a little, or a lot of, alcohol is involved. She is careful to be casual and not to appear needy. At first she wants to say that she is not available on Monday and Wednesday, but she refrains. She'll sound stronger and more independent if he asks to meet her Wednesday and she can't. Or maybe she could cancel that drink with Cece? And also, does she really have to go to this family weekend? In the end, at half past eight, she sends: "What about meeting for drinks this week?"

At ten fifteen, the phone is still silent. Sally leaves the phone on her bed while she goes in the living room, and tries to concentrate on a documentary about the business of automatic shutters. 

During commercial break, and thinking that men like an honest woman, she texts him "BTW, I'm busy Monday and Wednesday, have plans this weekend but I’m flexible." As soon as she sees the green balloon appear on the screen, she feels very stupid, but it’s too late anyway. Maybe he'll think she's being cute. Even sexy.

When she finally goes to sleep, it is one thirty and the phone is still. 

The week starts and Sally takes care of her hair down there on Wednesday anyway. “It’s a matter of pride” she tells herself when she signs the thirty five dollars check. She also remembers all those times when being ready in the hair department had been mysteriously concomitant with a small, half satisfying affair. But the phone remains still. The green popping balloons on the screen keep on waiting for their gray counterparts. Even when she does not look at the screen for four hours in a row. 

When they are at a foreign film festival the following Friday, she declares to Judy and Cece "I should have at least” she exhale slowly the smoke of her Lucky Strike, “gone home with him." 

[365daysof2017]

50/365

Dear tumblr,

I’m gonna start off my posts like this. Hi it’s me. Ash. I’m back. Sorry I didn’t post much last January but you know me, I get lazy, and I procrastinate. I’m just gonna continue where I left off with my previous blog, 366daysof2016, though, I still can’t process that it’s already 2017. 

So how am I? Great. Honestly, not. Life is really really really complicated. It’s probably really simple, just me making things complicated, I don’t know.

 I actually have been worse. I thought I’ve already moved on from David. You see, I told myself that I already need to forget him and all, and I actually did. I met some guys on kik, some lasted on my chatbox, and some didn’t, but everything seemed okay. Everything seemed okay. Then for some reasons, I started cutting my wrist. I have plans to do it again sometime but, I can still hold it.

Okay back to the “David” topic. Everything keeps coming back and it was really hard for me cause I don’t have any space in my mind to think about him. I’m already thinking about a shit ton of crap in my head, and I don’t want to think about him anymore. I thought I already forgot about him. But everything keeps coming back.

So this one day, last Saturday, we went to an Amusement Park. Nothing connected to him at all. I had so much fun! I got home at around 11PM. Then I had a fucking dream. 

It’s the worst type of dream, cause I was lucid. I’m always lucid when I dream about him, so it makes it  even harder. In my dreame, he went to the Phillipines, he apologized. He did everything. I already kinda forgot, but one thing I remember is that it was fun. I had fun. I was happy.

The morning after, I realized how important he was to me, god I was thinking about him the whole fucking day! How I was so happy with him, how he made me feel special... The whole fucking day.

At around 10PM, I was on kik, just randomly flirting with strangers online. I did something impulsive. I messaged him. 

me: dude me: I fucking hate you so much me: I wasn’t done with you yet and you fucking blocked me. So here’s the time where I was supposed to reply another message cause I was gonna flood him with hate messages, but he fucking replied. Instantly. I didn’t expect that. He never replies fast.

David: Ok. me: You fucking left me hanging David: Yea David: I suppose so me: You even called the night before you blocked me! me: what me: that’s it David: I’m sorry me: no explanation or anything David: I dont know what to say me: right me: just fucking say something please

Oh god I was so annoyed and so pissed and so nervous I felt everything at once. He didn’t even say anything. I wanted to hear something from him. I wanted an explanation. That was the only thing I needed to move on and yet he couldn’t give it to me.

David: I just David: Idk I got caught up with the army David: And I was afraid I’d hurt you David: So I ran from the situation David: Which still hurt you but atleast left room for hate me: and went to her instead me: yup

Ohhh shit put an ice to that burn, bitch.

David: Lol I’m not dating anyone so don’t try that

Uhm excuse me? Don’t you think I know anything you’ve been up to? Man I know everything. I have eyes everywhere. Everywhere. It’s kinda creepy, tbh.

me: lmaooooo me: songia??? David: Go look at my stuff David: Not dating anyone David: In fact we broke up and I slept with someone else and now we don’t talk at all First thing that came up to my mind: He’s not a virgin anymore. LMAOO.

David: So that’s that sticky situation I wasted 2 years on

Ha. Sticky. Cause you slept with someone? LMAO OKAY. me: right me: fuck me: its been months me: and its still you me: fuck you okay David: What do you mean me

Dumb-fucking-ass?? Are you that ignorant? or are you just dumb???

me: I hate you so much me: you’re still the one I remember David: Okay I expect that me: I keep having dreams

(lmao why did I say that?)

David: I’m sorry David: I dont know what to say or do me: and its fucking annoying me: its so hard to forget you me: I keep getting these dreams me: and it just made me remember you even more David: Sorry David: I don’t know what to say

ikr, it’s not like it’s your fault I get the dreams??

me: why did you just block me though me: why didn’t you atleast say something David: Trying to run again David: Realized it’s not the right thing to do David: I don’t have anything to say David: You’re right I shouldn’t have left you hanging David: It was wrong of me David: I thought about it too David: I felt bad David: But I couldn’t face it me: fuck you for leaving me when I already fell for you. me: you even said you’re gonna go here me: ugh David: Fuck me David: Okay I get it David: You hate me David: I’m shit David: Leave me alone if that’s all you want to say

Seriously dude, do you really not sense my purpose here? I want you back.

me: I just wanted an explanation lol me: and I didn’t want you to leave me: those were the words you said and I can’t believe I’m saying it me: I don’t want you to leave me alone

So that’s it that’s the serious part. The next part of our conversation wasn’t as long as this one but we were just bantering around. I don’t think he’s as comfortable with me as he was before but I feel like there’s still something.

I just feel so confused about my feelings for him, confused about what we are, confused about what he feels for me. Last Friday, he sent me a message, and I was in school

9:51 AM David: Hey David: You busy?

So I read it during my lunch time cause we were doing something

11:39 AM me: I’m in school

1:42 PM David: Call me after

2:32 PM me: I can’t I have like 100MB left

9:43 PM David: Ughh David: Noooo David: When do you get more David: You are legit so cute David: In your picture David: And your body looks good lol David: JUST SAYING.

I wasn’t able to reply cause I was watching this Selena Gomez film, Monte Carlo. It was really nice btw, I loved it.

11:00 PM me: LMAOOO me: I’m home now it’s like 11 David: What lol. David: I know, I know David: Why you laugh. me: idk me: whats up David: Laying in bed being lazy David: Hbu Piper

Fuck. Right in the feels. So much nostalgia. Piper’s the daughter of Aphrodite in the series that we love, he used to call me Piper, and I told him if I’m Piper then he’s the Jason to my Piper. (Jason’s the love interest of Piper in the books)

me: I just finished watching a movie me: and it was greatttt I loved it David: What movie? David: *sends a cute selfie* David: Lol look @ me

okay so I totally forgot that he asked a question cause a cute fucking selfie just popped in my screen.

me: you look different David: Do I? David: How so?? David: Bad huh David: Thanks I’m ugly ik me: yeah idk me: you look happy me: no wdym ugly David: I am ugly David: You making fun of me lol David: Thanks me: wtf you’re not ugly shut up me: what time is it there me: and where are you David: I’m in kentucky US David: And it is 0912 there!

Idk that’s probably how they read time in the army

David: Girl you’re obsessed David: Lmao jkjk me: ruuude David: No me: Kentucky though me: KFC David: I like you dw

okay... fuck... that was sudden. I mean, good job! That’s a great way to make me even more confused about what’s happening here!

me: ha David: Yes lmao! David: It’s not that good David: I figured it would be the best here David: But it’s the same as everywhere else me: really? me: that’s sad David: It’s nothing special David: Send me a selfie? me: I dont have a selfie me: jk David: Send me one David: Now David: I order you me: dude me: chill David: Lol nope I wanna seee youuuu me: I’m still looking for something decent David: Send them all David: Right meow me: *sends a selfie* me: tada me: I like that one lmao me: hoe filter me: I got more pimples me: smhhhh me: *sends another selfie* me: and one time my hair became like this hahah David: Fucking cute David: Is that overalls lol me: yes hahah

Then he left me on read. But because I’m a creepy-ass stalker that knows his facebook account, I saw his post that he shared. The post said, “I like clingy. I’d rather have someone who blows up my phone and shows they care than someone who texts back 12 hours later” So I messaged him this morning. I didn’t care if I double texted. 

me: dude me: when are you free David: Not tonight, I don’t think me: aw but when David: Idk I’m with jocelyn rn

Who’s Jocelyn???

me: ohh okay me: tell me when you’re available David: Okay

So that was it. I notice that I keep on using the word ‘dude’. Idk what to call him?? Maybe I’ll refer to him as Jason soon. Back to his facebook though, he also shared a post that said, “I blocked my ex on everything but she somehow managed to message me through direct tv *a pic of that*”.. Well.. Was that me? Lol. I dont know!! Someone commented though, “Man, if she goes through that much trouble to try to talk to you I would have to give her a second chance haha” then he replied, “that’s true hahah” UGH ITS JUST SO CONFUSING. So that’s all I have to say about him.

Now I’m here typing this blog. I don’t know, I just wanna talk to him, on the phone. Maybe that’d clear things up, but for now, I never think about our future. I don’t wanna think about the next step, cause when it doesn’t happen, I’m just gonna be twice disappointed. 

This was really a long first blogpost. See ya next time. 

Love, Ash