#btw if you are struggling with your sexuality and accepting yourself just remember that things like these take time

[mieeaahhh]

All for the game lgbtqia+ head-cannons because it’s pride month!❤️🏳️‍🌈

Neil Josten- Demisexual (cannon) and Demi-boy (he/they)

Andrew Minyard- Gay (cannon)

Kevin Day- Bisexual but he’s in denial

Aaron Minyard- Demiromantic

Nicky Hemmick- Gay (cannon)

Renee Walker- Lesbian transgender woman🗣️🗣️🗣️

Allison “I just like who I like” Reynolds (doesn’t use/care for labels)

Matt Boyd- Pansexual

Dan Wilds- I honestly have no idea🧍‍♀️

Seth Gordon- straight but kisses the homies goodnight

Jean Moreau- Bisexual (cannon)

Jeremy Knox- Gay (cannon)

Laila Dermott- Lesbian (cannon) and uses she/her/they

Catalina Alvarez- Lesbian (cannon)

[bisluthq]

Hey! I'm fairly new here and I have a pretty uncommon take on Kaylor. But I just wanna start off by saying I try my best to be as supportive of LGBT people as possible and if they're both bisexual, then I would be 100% okay with that! I'm not trying to "defend their heterosexuality" or anything, I think that's really weird

Okay, so my personal theory is that Kaylor did happen, but that Taylor and Karlie are both straight. I know that might sound contradictory, but I say this based on my own personal experiences based on how I am with my best friend. I think Karlie and Taylor's relationship might have been similar in some ways to ours

Right, so I'm straight and I'm not into women in the gay kind of way (but it's completely cool that some girls are), and I have this roommate who's gorgeous. Really gorgeous, she's like a 10/10 "I would sell my kidney to look like you" kind of girl. She's very attractive, she has like tan skin and long legs and gorgeous brown hair and pretty eyes and nice lips and just like… she's just very good looking. I'm definitely jealous of her body, I won't even pretend I'm not 😪 I lowkey hate her because of it (jk)

We've been living together since not long before COVID started, and we're very good friends. There were three of us before, but our other roommate went back home to stay with her parents until in person classes are back on and we agreed to it and worked something out because she has really bad anxiety so we understood her reasoning for it

Anyway so it's just been us two and because we've been at home a lot during this time instead of out for most of the day like before, we've gotten to know each other a lot better and have become a lot closer. We were already friends from before, but now we're like super close besties, we've been hanging out a lot together and playing board games, watching movies, helping each other with essays, just having long conversations about anything and everything, etc

Like it's been so nice having a best friend that I can be this close to now because I haven't had a best friend since I was a kid

So my friend and I were having like a conversation last year about how hard it's been in quarantine not being able to go on dates and how we miss kissing people, and so we decided to just like, make out for fun you know. I mean, there's not really anything that's inherently romantic or sexual about making out, that's just society that says that. But tbh I think making out with your friends if you want to should be normalized, it's fun and it can even be emotional sometimes. It's not that different from hugging people

After a couple of weeks or so, I think we got bored of just making out with each other and decided to like, fully hook up. It started off because we were modelling lingerie for each other for banter and were pretending we were each other's runway judges and then I think we just decided to hook up with each other as like part of the whole "game". I can't remember who initiated it now, I think it might have been me as a joke lol

Like just in a platonic way for fun, as a kind of substitute until we can go back into society

And tbh I always expected hooking up with a woman to be like mediocre and boring and awkward, but although it was a bit hard to get the hang of at first and there was a learning curve, it's actually very enjoyable. Like I was very surprised actually at how hot it can be, I think I can maybe see why bisexual women and lesbians like doing it

Anyway we both liked it and we just carried on hooking up on the regular and it's been like 8 months now and tbh I just think it's very sweet and heartwarming, like it actually makes me feel a little emotional how we're close enough and care about each other enough that we can even help each other out with the physical intimacy side of things so that we don't get sexually frustrated while we're stuck in lockdown

I just think it's really cool and we even sleep in the same bed most of the time now because tbh what's the point in sleeping alone when you can sleep in the same bed as someone else? It's nicer, like you can cuddle and stuff

Anyway, I think that maybe Kaylor's relationship might have been similar. I think they're both straight but they became really close friends in a short space of time, and that their friendship was so intense that it became physical but in a platonic way

I think lesbians and bisexual women are amazing and I have so much respect for you guys for accepting yourselves in a society that tries to erase you, and I think there definitely needs to be more wlw representation on TV and in movies

But at the same time, I would also like there to be more close female friendships like the one that me and my friend have where you can just talk about everything together and do things that society usually reserves for romantic partners, but in a platonic way. Because female friendship is really important and beautiful, whether that's between straight women like me and my friend who I think is probably straight too, or between queer women because one thing I've learnt during my short time on this blog is how queer women can have very close platonic friendships with other queer women too

I think society just has overly strict ideas of "straight" and "gay". Like for some people, they would hear about two women sleeping together and think "Oh that's gay", but not necessarily because straight women can enjoy sleeping with other women too, like it's normal 🤷‍♀️

I think it's just a result of women being a lot more physically beautiful than men are, like straight women really got the short end of the stick tbh compared to straight men

I also think it's because women are so oversexualized in the media, and obviously straight girls see that too and so we sort of internalize that attraction to women because we're so used to seeing women being presented in a sexual way? Except it's not real attraction with us like how it is for queer girls

Like I'm very much "attracted" to my friend, she's genuinely stunning and just very hot tbh. But I still identify as straight because it's just a case of what I mentioned above, it's a "fake" attraction. And also because men are afraid to compliment other men because it's seen as "gay", but women can be fully confident in their sexuality and still recognize other women's beauty and sex appeal. You see it all the time in instagram comments, and I really love how we're all so supportive of each other like that

Like I can be fully confident in my sexuality and yet still say that some women like my friend are gorgeous as hell and also 100 times better looking than most men I've seen. I'm very much obsessed with some women's appearances but in a platonic way

And I just love the concept of "girl crushes" and I think that from a feminism viewpoint, it's beautiful that we're focusing on other girls and showing love towards other girls too, instead of just to men who, let's be real, don't even fully appreciate it half of the time

I am going to be sad when we all have to return to life as usual and my friend and I won't be able to spend as much time together anymore. I'm dreading it tbh, I don't want it to end yet. And it really sucks that the physical side of our friendship will probably have to stop too once our other roommate comes back because I think she'd definitely misunderstand the situation and think it's something different than it actually is if she ever saw us kissing or something. I really am going to miss it a lot though, I really like how things currently are and it's just really really nice and I don't want it to change :/

Btw I'm sorry if I sounded fetishistic or offensive with any of this, I just get a bit jealous sometimes that you guys get to date girls and we're just stuck with men. Honestly if it wasn't for all of the homophobia and the struggles that you all have to face and the fact that it would feel disrespectful to the LGBT community, I would probably really wish I could change my sexuality to be bisexual or gay instead because I just think women are better. Sometimes I really do wish I was into women in that way because dating girls just sounds so much more appealing to me (in a non fetishizing weird way) but unfortunately I'm stuck with dating men 🤦‍♀️ But I also know I'm lucky and privileged to be straight even though most men are mediocre and kinda gross and I don't mean to be disrespectful because I know you all have to face homophobia and other LGBT difficulties and it really sucks, people are awful. There's nothing wrong with women dating women or men dating men at all, society is just ugly and bigoted

Anyway, does anybody else have a similar sort of take on Kaylor where they think they could have both been straight and just had a very close friendship with a physical side to it? I think it would explain a lot. But like I said, this is just a theory of mine based on my own situation, and I'm also open to the idea that it was an actual relationship and that they're both into women for real, not just fake "into women" like I am.

Also pls feel free to call me out if I accidentally said anything offensive towards LGBT people, I tried my best but if I made a mistake anywhere pls let me know and I'll avoid it next time!

You’re not offensive. Please stop apologizing. And we’re gonna come back to the Kaylor stuff another time because... Honey. You and I need to have a conversation for a bit.

So firstly, I’m not trying to like “diagnose” you and at the end of the day it’s your choice what you want to call yourself but... tbh you might not be straight. Sexuality is fluid not static and exists on a spectrum not in absolutes. It’s not like it’s straight, 50/50 bi, gay and you’re born knowing and there’s no room for anything else. That’s not true. There’s a lot of room in between all of these and labels can change over time. We’re people, not cereal brands, and sometimes we don’t even KNOW the word for what we might be. I’m tagging a tag for you from when we asked people to share their label journeys for you to see. It’s not simple or easy and it’s not just because of external stuff - it’s because figuring this out internally is HARD. If you found yourself having such an intense friendship it became physical, repeatedly, you liked it a lot, you still sleep in the same bed and continue to share all your thoughts and you don’t want any of that to end... I’m not sure you’re Kinsey 0. And I think you might lowkey have a girlfriend dude. 

You can obviously prefer men but like... hun I reaaallly don’t think you’re completely straight.

Also: it’s okay to say “I see myself winding up with a man and this is a situationship for right now!” but that doesn’t make you straight because again, sexuality is a spectrum and you can manifest a particular kind of endgame while experiencing other things along the way.

But here’s where you really got me: “most men are mediocre and kinda gross” and “women being a lot more physically beautiful than men are, like straight women really got the short end of the stick tbh compared to straight men” because that’s the kind of thing I used to say in my Bi 1.0 era before I ID’d as a lesbian for a bit and before Harry Styles (KING 🥺) made me bi for real. Hun, no. Straight women like men. Tbh BI women like men. I genuinely, unironically, find Harry and Timmy and Matt Smith to be sexy beasts and I would do dirty things to the former two but maybe not the latter irl in 2021 but yes also him if I could be on that Spain trip with him and Karen where they got sloshed and which I think of often. These men are genuinely fucking beautiful to me in the same way Taylor is and Di Silvers is (okay she’s prettier than all of them but like same ~vibe) and like Megan Thee Stallion is and Indira Varma in everything but especially GOT and Gillian Anderson and Keira Knightley. Like those women are HOT to me and SO. ARE. THE. MEN. 

Straight women find SO MANY DUDES hot. So many. Starting from objectively pretty options I just cannot personally understand like Chris Evans all the way through to bitches who are outchea simping for wrestlers and Cole Sprouse. Do I understand? No. But like... that’s straight girl culture and ours is not to judge. 

If you’re struggling to find men hot then... you might be gay.

Also, I’m not sure what you mean by “fake attraction”. Like queer women - especially femme women which I assume you very much are - experience the same kinds of feelings straight girls do. We have women we want to be like and look like and find enviable (me and Oenone Forbat) and women we find aesthetically gorgeous (me and Anya Taylor Joy) and we have extremely close female friends who we can spend hours on end spilling our guts to - as you say female friendships are truly special - and without going into personal people that you don’t know, that’s me and Cam and Sim right? I literally talk to them for hours. Like those are not gay feelings. And yes we can chat about those kinds of feelings with straight girls and call them “girl crushes” and not immediately get “caught out” because they experience this exact shit too.

But here’s the thing. They never do and I don’t want in the cases above to fuck these women. It’s not sexual.

The moment I can actually imagine fucking the women in question that’s... gay. 

Like it’s not “fake attraction” it’s literally just gay. That’s how we desire women. We want to fuck them. Not all women. Not always. But sometimes we want to get under or on top of one and just really truly fucking make each other moan with pleasure.

I have no idea if Karlie or Taylor are into women. They could both literally be straight. I have no idea.

But I have a better idea about you.

Hun, you’re fucking your roommate/best friend and don’t want to stop.

You’re not “into women”.

You’re into this woman.

And possibly into women more generally.

So I know it’s weird to have to be the one to tell you this, and if you want to keep chatting via anon or in my DMs or if you want me to try collate resources for you from around the web but...

Like.

Dude.

You’re a whole ass part of the rainbow.

Welcome to the community you thought you weren’t a part of earlier today 🌈 ❤️

It’s nice here, sure there’s homophobia, but at least we get to fuck girls and man is it good.

[magioftheseas]

Damaged vocal cords and KamuKoma for the bad things happen bingo?

I’m back to writing these, and I’m still making them short (1K) to try and make writing in general less intimidating! This is also for the @badthingshappenbingo with this prompt taken from here. Also cross-posted to Ao3 here. (Btw for the bingo card: ones I still need to do are hand stomp, survivor’s guilt, and lotus-eater machine. I’m gonna try and get to them soon!!! Sorry!!!)

Warnings: Violence and instability. It’s despairverse after all! There’s only some sexual content towards the end but it’s mild.

When Owari turned to him with a drooling grin and striking bloodlust in his glare, he knew he was faced with a bout of bad luck. He wasn’t going to die, of course, but to say he hadn’t been a little afraid when she tackled him to the ground... Well, it had been difficult to think when her hands wrapped around his throat and squeezed. Constricted, like a snake around its prey. He even flailed and struggled, vision burning and blurring as Owari laughed and laughed and laughed.

He remembers what it had been like in the wreckage of the plane. How it had hurt even to breathe, how he felt his skin aflame even though he hadn’t been charred like several less fortunate victims. How he had still been sobbing when pulled into the paramedics.

Kamukura Izuru separated them, flinging Owari back as if she were nothing. And he couldn’t help but sob as Kamukura gathered him into that strong embrace and carried him away. It hadn’t been with euphoria that he cried. He really, really had been afraid, and between gasping for breaths with broken whimpers and whines, he begged for his parents to help him.

He had passed out soon after.

--

“The bruises are severe,” Kamukura drones, rubbing at his throat with ointment. Despite the gentleness of his caretaking, his expression remains ever cold and inhuman. “You cannot speak. There is no point in denying it.”

“I,” Komaeda croaked. He winced, curling in on himself. He settled for shaking his head.

“You tried to scream and that further strained your vocal chords,” Kamukura explained drearily. “However, your Ultimate Luck remains. You will recover in ten days with treatment.” His head tilts, but his face doesn’t change. “Fortunate, but predictable. How boring.”

“Sorry,” he mouthed meekly. His cheeks felt warm. A warmth completely unlike the scorching agony of before. He manages a smile, clapping his hands in delight. An expression of adoration and gratitude. One that Kamukura regards coldly.

He’s disappointed. Owari-san must be disappointed as well. Aah, she would still consider getting me to shut up a victory. The former Class 77-B will celebrate tonight. How distasteful. Kamukura-kun, however...

He runs his hand along the thickness of Kamukura’s bicep. He takes in a shuddering breath, gazing up at the other with a watery gaze. Kamukura stares back. Still cold.

“Please take good care of me,” Komaeda whispers hoarsely, ducking his head submissively.

“Avoid speaking for now,” is Kamukura’s response. If Komaeda didn’t know any better, he might mistake that dull tone for snappish. “Do not further strain yourself.”

There’s nothing to do but nod helplessly. What else was there to expect?

--

Not much time passes, however, before the silence gets to him. It’s not Kamukura’s fault, of course. Kamukura Izuru was the kind of person who only vocalized when necessary, which was obviously understandable. He wasn’t wasteful, least of all with words. Not like others. Especially not like Komaeda himself.

Komaeda, who hates loud places, but can’t exactly say he finds silence relaxing. He keeps itching to wrap his own fingers around his throat. To crush what Owari couldn’t finish due to Kamukura Izuru’s interference. He still can’t speak, not really. Rather than voice, the words come out in nothing more than hideous rasps.

He only attempts when Kamukura Izuru is not in vicinity, but he’s not so foolish as to think Kamukura doesn’t know about this. Kamukura knew everything, even if he didn’t do much of anything.

He still saved me. Because we both share Ultimate Luck.

He listens now to Kamukura preparing a meal in the kitchen. He wonders where the ingredients came from? Grown? Stolen? Given by Hanamura? The last one makes his nose wrinkle in disgust, especially when he thought about the licentious remarks the so-called chef was prone to.

Even if it’s Hanamura-kun’s character, to look at Kamukura-kun like that...

He halts his thoughts when Kamukura brings him his food. He gets flustered and has half a mind to blame Hanamura for it—except he knows it’s his own wickedness that’s the problem.

You mustn’t look at him like that. It’s more than just indecent.

He does offer a gracious smile all the same, eyes watering up preemptively as he took in the meal. It was just daikon, shredded into a lukewarm soup. Something simple and easy on the throat. Such consideration—as expected of an Ultimate Caretaker.

Although why Kamukura-kun cares is anyone’s guess.

Kamukura watches him as he eats. Watches him as he snuffles from the wonderous taste and blows his nose. Watches as he idly rubs his throat and sips more of the soup. Ever the intense and powerful, with a gaze that any man could lose himself in.

Komaeda throws the bowl at him, and Kamukura is gone in an instant. He tries to scream, but what comes out is like static.

Kamukura is holding him down. His stare is the same as before, and then it blurs all together.

Aha. I’m crying.

He chokes on a sob, twisting so that he could turn away from Kamukura’s cold stare. Pitiful gasps clawed their way out of his throat.

“K... K... Ka...mu...” His voice is gone. What remained was wretched static. “H... Hic...”

“I suppose,” Kamukura murmured, so softly that Komaeda thought he imagined it at first. “I should have expected this outcome.”

“S... S... So...rr...”

“Your apology is accepted.” Kamukura gets off him, but he remains laying there. “An emotional outburst was not surprising.”

Was it boring, then? He covers his face with his arms. He’s aware that he’s still trembling. Kamukura’s still staring. I wish I could scream.

“I see,” Kamukura droned. “So even you get frustrated like this.”

Even me? What are you even saying?

“I am saying that you are human, despite what is often claimed.”

With his limited understanding, Komaeda Nagito couldn’t begin to comprehend the words. His mouth shuts, his eyes darting all over. He flinches when Kamukura leans down and kisses his neck.

“It will hinder your recovery,” he murmurs, and his hand has already begun creeping up under Komaeda’s shirt. “But you need not let you lack of a voice keep you from expressing yourself, Komaeda Nagito.”

I made a mess of things.

He can’t help but snicker, hysterical. Kamukura peppers his heaving throat with more soft pecks.

I’ve made a huge mess.

[ambermation]

Part of Me (Lance x Fem!Child!Reader)

A Spies in Disguise Fanfic!

Key:

Y/N = Your Name                                                          

N/N = Nickname                                                                                    

B/F/N = Best Friend Name

3542 Words

~~~~~~~~

𝕀 𝕒𝕞 𝕓𝕣𝕒𝕧𝕖, 𝕀 𝕒𝕞 𝕓𝕣𝕦𝕚𝕤𝕖𝕕

𝕀 𝕒𝕞 𝕨𝕙𝕠 𝕀'𝕞 𝕞𝕖𝕒𝕟𝕥 𝕥𝕠 𝕓𝕖, 𝕥𝕙𝕚𝕤 𝕚𝕤 𝕞𝕖

~~~~~~~~

   You didn't think much of the way you felt towards girls. You assumed they were just platonic- sisterly, even- feelings. When you were younger, and had only been going to school for a few years now, had always preferred having a female partner to work with. You thought that most, if not all, of the girls in your class were quite pretty. The fact you thought you were a plain Jane, physically of course (and you still think this), boosted these thoughts. You were a shy little girl, and had managed to make a very outgoing, extroverted friend.

(B/F/N).

She helped you come out of your shyness a bit and slowly you started talking more and more. But since hardly anyone talked directly to you during work time or out on the playground you didn't get to talk much. It's funny considering the fact that at home, you talked to your uncle all the time. Sometimes you talked to other relatives, usually when they came for a visit from California (they moved there shortly after you were born, which is unrelated to the reason why btw), and even the many different women uncle Lance would bring home. Typically they'd come over at least three times, maybe four if they're lucky, and then you'd never see them again.

Back to you, since you were a genius like your biological father, you were able to start middle school at seven, start high school at eight, and now you're going to graduate at twelve years old. Half way through Freshman year of high school and you managed to make what you call "school buddies", who are people you don't really hang out with outside of school but you kind of do inside of school. (You did make two friends that you hang out with and talk to outside of school though other than your BFF.) They were chill, and most of them had conversations about nearly anything with everyone who wants to join included.

Sometimes they would talk about their relationships, breakups, crushes, and even their sexuality. When someone had started asking everyone what their sexual orientation was, you felt a flash of panic before calmly remembering that your were straight. Obviously you were. You had crushes on countless fictional guys and occasionally you'd find a random guy to be attractive. You thinking girls were cute and pretty had nothing to do with your sexuality and you were just being nice. You thought this way your whole life and never doubted the way you thought.

Of course, this was before you started to learn even more about sexual orientation.

Since the beginning of the year, when you first started to hang out with your school buddies, you managed to learn so much more about the LGBTQIA+ community than ever before since a lot of them were in it. At first, you barely talked and mainly listened to the discussions they would have, yet slowly you started talking more. You joined and even started a few conversations. It was just interesting to you.

Your school friends had brought up the word bisexual before, heck two of them were bi, and its definition was easy for you to understand. However, learning more about sexual preferences didn't immediately make you realize your own sexuality. You continued to read X Readers with guy characters, but one day you decided to read an x Reader for a female character you really loved. You figured it'd be cute, and it was, and thought nothing of that. Man, for a genius, you can be pretty dense sometimes, am I right?  Because it wasn't until you were daydreaming at home one day about another female character you love did you realize something. You didn't notice what you were actually daydreaming until it suddenly clicked.

You would love to have her as a girlfriend if she were real. You'd love to have so many characters as girlfriends. You were attracted to both girls and boys. You're..bisexual? The thought was just curious, as if you were  asked what's your favorite color, then you gave your answer, and then the person was confirming what you said. If that makes any sense. Being bisexual made sense to you and explained the way you felt towards girls and guys.

So you believed yourself to be bi without the courage, or need, to tell anyone. It's not like you didn't want people to know, well kind of; some people were were really against the LGBTQIA+ community, but that's besides the point, your friends would accept you. You just felt like you'd make a big deal out of nothing. But it wasn't nothing to you. It was a special nothing! It was a part of you that you wanted others to know about. And then the worried thoughts came in. How would your dad react?

You could never tell how he felt towards the queer. The two of you wouldn't really talk exclusively about the community; it just came up with other topics and even then you wouldn't even dip your toes into those discussions. It wasn't on purpose, it just came and went with the natural flow of the conversation. Dad seemed like he was neutral. But you weren't sure.

And, up until two months ago, you were thinking of ways to come out as bisexual to your dad. You stopped thinking of how to come out as bisexual due to your friends. After talking with your friends at lunch one day you learned another sexuality. Pansexual. Since you hadn't heard that word before you asked what it meant. At first, the way it was explained confused you. You didn't understand what your friend was saying, so another friend stepped in and explained in much easier to understand terms. The word pansexual kept ringing in your head, and once you got home you got on your computer and did some more research; research such as differences between bisexual and pansexual.

Shortly after researching the differences you understood that they were different. With a better understanding of pansexual you came to another realization; You didn't really care about someone's gender, you just cared if they loved you and cared about you the same way you would love and care for them. Thanks to your friend, you knew now that you were pansexual, not bisexual.

Great. Now you just had to come out as pansexual to dad!

Yaaaaaaayyy... Notice the sarcasm? Yeah you didn't know how to come out when you thought you were bi so you wouldn't know how to come out as pan.

~~~~~~~~

𝕀 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨 𝕪𝕠𝕦'𝕣𝕖 𝕤𝕔𝕒𝕣𝕖𝕕 𝕠𝕗 𝕥𝕙𝕖 𝕦𝕟𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨𝕟

𝕐𝕠𝕦 𝕕𝕠𝕟'𝕥 𝕨𝕒𝕟𝕟𝕒 𝕓𝕖 𝕒𝕝𝕠𝕟𝕖

𝕀 𝕜𝕟𝕠𝕨 𝕀 𝕒𝕝𝕨𝕒𝕪𝕤 𝕔𝕠𝕞𝕖 𝕒𝕟𝕕 𝕘𝕠

𝔹𝕦𝕥 𝕚𝕥'𝕤 𝕠𝕦𝕥 𝕠𝕗 𝕞𝕪 𝕔𝕠𝕟𝕥𝕣𝕠𝕝

~~~~~~~~

   (A/N: I'm using the word "daddy" even though reader is twelve because she's a rich kid. She's a bit spoiled too but she's a nice spoiled kid, you know? And I'm using it as a subconscious expression of the reader not having to grow up too much since she's related to the Lance Sterling. I imagine he's got a lot of money because have you even seen his car? And the fact there's the Sterling Private Jet Hanger? His Air pods? Dude's loaded. I chose to have Lance live in a very nice house that looks fancy but also quite normal (to blend in) because...why not? I felt the need to explain why I chose to use daddy instead of dad, father, etc. Also I felt like the lyrics above relate to the whole story I have for the reader, just not in the same context as the song they're from which is Sunflower.)

                                               Reader POV:

Why am I making such a big deal out of this? I mean, it's kind of a big deal. It's my sexuality and I don't know how daddy will react. I want him to know though. I try to think of what I'll say to him and when.

"Daddy?  I've got something important to say. Well, it's important to me at least, and I was hoping that you'd understand  or would try to understand. I'm pansexual."

I shook my head, pinching the bridge of my nose. "No, that doesn't sound right to me. What can I say... to lead up to me saying 'I'm pansexual'?" I paced around my room, continuing to think of ways to come out. I'm not sure how daddy will respond to 'I have something important to say' other than making a joke. Probably. Even then I'm not sure what kind of joke he'd make. This was stupidly difficult and I wished I had the courage to just simply say it without any build up.

"That'd make things a lot easier if I could." I muttered, stopping my pacing to to sit down. I was planning on writing it down on paper, but instead I put my face in my hands and let out a disgruntled groan. Half of me was just screaming to simply say it whenever seemed like the best time while the other half was cowering in the corner of my mind bawling.

I get up from my desk so I can flop down on to my bed. If I can't figure out what to do then I'll just curl up under my blankets all cozy until I'm forced to get out.  I struggle to keep my eyes open and soon enough I succumb to a dreamless sleep.

I wake up to someone shaking me, their hands on my back and my shoulder.

"Hey, come on N/N, time to eat," A voice said. In my sleepy state I couldn't recognize the voice.

I mumble nonsense in response, searching and grabbing my blanket to pull it over me. I snuggle into the warmth of my bed, not wanting to leave. Before I could even stop it, my blanket was pulled off of me and thrown to the floor. My head snaps to look at my daddy. He looks at me with a deadpan look.

"You up now?" He asked. I groan and drop my head on to my pillow. "No." I answer, closing my eyes. Right after I do that I feel daddy's hands grab on to my wrists. He then starts pulling me up and away from my bed. I move like a ragdoll. "There's no napping before dinner. After dinner? Maybe. But not before. Now come on." Daddy says, still dragging me. I fall to the floor. Alright, that's enough. I pull out of his strong grip and stand up.

"Alright, alright! Geez..." I drag my hand up my face, swaying a little. "Why were you even napping?" He asks. I shrug. "I curled up in bed, and next thing I know you're waking me up," I try shooting him a glare, "Thanks by the way. I could've just ate later, when I woke up," I huff. Daddy laughs. "Aw, you don't want to spend time with your old man anymore? Man, I thought I had a few more years." He looks at me in mock sadness. I lightly shove him as I head towards the door.

"No need to be so dramatic." I tease. You're almost my best friend." We head down the hallway, side by side. Daddy laughs. "Almost?" He asks. I nod. As we're walking down the winding staircase I explain.

"Obviously (B/F/N)'s my best friend."

"Oh yeah...she's a strange one. But at least she's nice."

"Correction! She's nice, a total sweetheart, funny, witty, weird, dorky, and very smart."

"Uh, right. How's she doing?"

"From what she's told me, she's doing alright. She also jokes that I could do her science and math homework for her, of course I'm not and she doesn't mean it, but still," I answer, just as we reach the bottom of the stairs. "You're way too smart to being doing somebody else's homework, right Y/N?" Daddy asked. I nodded.

We talked some more as we reached the dining room/area. We were having Chinese takeout tonight and it smelled wonderful! We sat down and began to eat. In the back of my mind I was thinking about coming out, a thought that was slowly becoming more and more prominent until it was the one thing I was thinking about. We were talking, but as I thought about coming out more and more I started to talk less. I, of course, didn't know this. It wasn't until daddy snapped me out of my thought did I realize I kind of just...stopped responding to him. I look at him. Immediately I see amusement and some concern in his eyes.

"Honey, you got your head in the clouds or something?" He asked with amusement. I shake my head. "Nah, just thinking about something," I said, taking another bite of my food. "About what?" Daddy inquired. Of course he wants to know. "Something," I answer reticenty.

"Are you gonna tell me what this 'something' is?"

I pause, debating whether or not to tell him. Eh, sure, why not? I feel myself tense slightly.

"Well, I... it's kind of, or no, actually, not-not kind of... it's pretty important- to me, at least." As I speak I grab one of my wrists, squeezing it. My left leg was bouncing. "Honey you know you can tell me anything, right? Wait! You're not pregnant are you?" He questioned. I recoil in a mixture of disgust and horror.

"Wha- no!" I quickly answer. "No, are you kidding? That kid's life would suck man. Like you're telling me," I point at myself, "That I have to raise this kid? Geez I can't even use the oven without you breathing down my neck, how am I supposed to take care of a baby!" I joke and laugh. Daddy laughs too. I manage my laughter enough to talk. "Besides, I haven't, uh, started yet," I look down, fiddling with my hands. I'm uncomfortable talking about my period primarily due to my dad being, well, a dad,  i.e. a male without any female organs and personal experience dealing with said periods himself.

Daddy was also a bit uncomfortable talking about it, but he has assured that it's nothing to be ashamed of, so that's nice. He just wasn't used to having to deal with periods almost firsthand.  

"Sweetie I'm just messing with you. And when you do..." He trails off, moving his hand in a 'You know' gesture, "Uh, start, don't be afraid to tell me. I'll help anyway I can," He says before taking another bite of food. I nod. I take the brief moment of silence to take a sip from my drink. Daddy speaks up again. "So what were you actually gon' say?"

I ponder whether or not I should continue. On one hand, I've piqued his interest with me saying how important what I was gonna say. So it'd be odd for me to now say that it's not that important a few minutes after saying how important it was. On the other hand...it doesn't seem right to come out now anymore. I lost what little confidence I had, which was barely any, but still.

"Eh, never mind. It's actually not that important; I was just being dramatic. Ya know, like you," I said, smirking by the end of my sentence. Daddy huffs and rolls his eyes, clearly in a playful way. "The world's greatest spy can't be dull, Princess. I've gotta had some flavor to the job," He retorts.

"Oh, so going around the world, beating bad guys, 'saving the say', isn't dramatic enough?"

"Oh it is. But I bring an extra flare to it."

"Whatever you say Daddy," I say, focusing on my food. Daddy doesn't seem bothered by my sudden decision to not say what was "so important"; that's good. I'll come out another time.

We finish our dinner and as we're cleaning up I ask if we could watch a movie. "Sure. Which movie?" Daddy asks as we go to the living room. "(Fav. movie)?" I suggest, knowing that Daddy will probably agree, regardless if he likes the movie or not. As I predicted, he agreed. I happily got the movie and after everything else was set up (our spots on the couch, the movie being ready to play, and lighting) we sat down and watched it. I didn't have school tomorrow (yay for Friday!) so I didn't have to worry about getting ready for bed after the movie's over.

I was laying on the couch, my head and back leaning against daddy, who was leaning against the couch. The movie was almost over, so I was thinking of whether or not I wanted to watch another one. On one hand, yes. Please. I'd love that. On the other hand, I kind of wanted to watch YouTube. Soon enough the movie ends and the credits roll with the accompanying music. I was about to get up when daddy spoke.

"So Y/N, I was wondering about what you wanted to say earlier. Ya know, since you said it was important." I look up at my dad. "I also said that it wasn't important." I retorted. "Yeah, but thing is, you tend to do that a lot. You say something's important to you, then say it isn't, then I find out what it is and it turns out to be important to you. So why don't we speed things up huh?"

I look down, fiddling with my fingers. "...It's really not important this time. I promise..." I say gingerly. I feel daddy's hand on my shoulder. I turn to look at him. "Sweetie, you know you can tell me anything right?" At this I laugh. Daddy pulls his hand away, clearly confused by me laughing.

"What? You know you can! What's so funny?" He asks bewildered. Smiling I answer. "It's because all parents say that. I just found it funny." I make eye contact with him. I see his eyes light up with realization before becoming serious again.

"But it's true! Y/N I love you, and whenever you feel the need to tell me something, I hope and want you to tell me. As soon as possible," He says, emphasizing the last bit by moving his hand. I go back to looking at my hands, frowning. I did want to tell him, but part of me was saying that I shouldn't. One little voice. A voice that was being quite persuasive, and yet I was still debating whether or not I should-

Daddy's voice breaks me out of my thoughts. "Hey, where'd that happy smile go? It was just here." I don't smile; I try to deepen my frown instead. Daddy scoffs. I turn my head to look away, crossing my arms. Unfortunately, since I was looking away, I couldn't see the light bulb that went off in daddy's head.

I involuntarily break into a fit of giggles as a pair of hands starts tickling my sides. I wiggle and see my daddy's hands tickling me. "Ah, there it is! My beautiful daughter's smile." I vigorously shook my head at his compliment. My body was still squirming from his tickling. However, me shaking my head made him stop, so I stopped squirming and tried to relax. "What? No, N/N you are beautiful. You are my beautiful little girl in my eyes, always," Daddy says lovingly. Breathing heavily, I let his words sink in.

I fell off the couch during daddy's tickle attack, so the both of us were on the floor. I turn to lay on my stomach, facing the TV (which was now back at the title screen). Daddy lays down next to me. He crosses his arms and lays his head on them, facing me. I look back at him. I give him a smile. He smiles back. His expression is laced with love and amusement. Then he gives me a look that says "Will you tell me now?" My eyes dart away for a second before looking back at him. I focus on his elbow; I just can't make eye contact with him while saying this.

"I'm pansexual." I say, eyes still staring at his elbow.

"Oh..."

Daddy says in a tone I can't place at the moment. I pull my gaze away from his elbow to his face. He sits up, so I copy him. "Thank you for trusting me, Y/N. This doesn't change how I feel about you. I still love you," Daddy pulls me into a hug. I return the hug, relieved by his words. "Do your friends know?"

"No they don't. Only you know daddy." I answer, breaking the hug to look at him. He cups a hand on my cheek. "If you want them to know, them come out to them when you feel like you should. Don't feel forced to tell them, okay sweetie?"

I nodded. He kisses my forehead. "Good." I give a small smile. Daddy leans back a little, his hands supporting himself. "You wanna know something?" He asks, a smirk on his lips. Questioningly, I look at him, raising one brow. Daddy smiles. "Trust me, you'll like this," He said. I think about it for a second before nodding. Daddy straightens out his posture, no longer needing his hands for support. He claps said hands together.  

"Okay, so I remember one time when I was visiting you and your parents, you were three around this time, and we were just talking. Then the conversation ended up about you. Your mom had said that she wouldn't be surprised if you were attracted to both girls and boys. Your dad, however, disagreed. he thought you would be straight." At this my mouth dropped slightly and my eyes widened. "How did she-?"

"I don't know. Mother's intuition, I guess? But your dad was adamant that you were straight. He finally shut up once he saw the glare your mom was giving him." Daddy smiles, probably at the memory. "Huh. Well, mom was close. I'm basically gender blind." I laugh.

"Y/N," Daddy says, his hands on both of my arms, "Again, thank you for trusting me enough with this. I love you, N/N." He kisses my forehead once more before hugging me again.

"I love you too, Daddy."

The End

(WOOOH I'VE FELT HORRIBLE ABOUT HOW LONG THIS WAS TAKING!!! I hope you enjoyed reading this! This idea came to me, and I thought: Since a lot of fans say that Walter is gay, and Lance supports his gay son (obviously!), what about Lance being supportive of a pan daughter? I was not too sure how to end it, so I hope it was not too sudden! Thanks for reading!!! :D)

[aestheticritique]

For young men (Part 1)

In my latest lockdown induced depressive episode I have been meeting some new people online. They are all young, male, mostly heterosexual, very nice and extremely considerate. However, they also are often afraid becoming a burden, insecure in their appearance or social skills, and often struggling with mental health. Given this, they are also usually extremely afraid of never finding themselves having sex or getting into a meaningful relationship in the late stage neoliberal capitalist dystopia we find ourselves in. To be honest I didn’t understand them at first, especially their obsession with sex. But the more I am thinking about it, the more I realize that we are united in the same dynamic of seeing sex or love as magic verfication of... What?

Growing up, I used hookups as a way to prove to myself that I am worth something. I thought that my value was defined by men’s desire. I originally in writing this wanted to show my perspective from the other side of the same coin, but after realizing how much of an undertaking that would be, I decided to start with the two most common answers from men used as justification to why they think they won’t get laid. These are things I find will help these kinds of people out, but as a great thinker once said...

“I can’t mom you through this one, boys. You are on your own.” - Contrapoints

(I link songs I like through out btw, the underlined text are links you can click on)

Foreword: Social factors

The average age of first intercourse has been rising in the US. Teenagers have less sex than ever before. These changes will affect you. In teen movies and shows charakters often experiment with sexuality before the age of 18. Everything else is played as an abnormality. If we compare ourselves to this misrepresentation of teenage sexuality, of course we seem like the losers.

“The proportion of young people who have had sexual intercourse increases rapidly as they age through adolescence”. It’s very likely, at least from my view, that you are just going to grow out of the awkward zone of wanting intimacy but not getting it. Just like you grew out of other things, such as bad musical taste or that one gaudy outfit. Don’t stress over this one specifically either.

Adolescence is weird for all of us. Even if your first encounter is after college, let’s be real here: having such a good thing in your own place without your parents looming or having to share your room with a roommate you barely know is so much better anyway.

The Ugly fuck too

A common answer to my question why they think that they will never have sex is that they are “unattractive”. The implication being, that sex is the prize for looking a certain way.

But is it? We are so used to the perfect, porn-ready bodies in the media that we forget that the Ugly fuck too. We never see the foldes of fat and skin, never see acne warriors or moles, never see people who actually look like us.

In the movie “The Parasite”, there is a scene where the husband of Gook Moon-gwang, the former housekeeper, is implied to have sex. (the clip, starts at 3:00) It gave me weird feelings of discomfort, as the illusion so stereotypically found on the silver screen was not present. These two characters are not pretty. They look old. She is fat and he is a balding skeleton. They are not special, and that’s okay.

Being fuckable does not equal beauty. Being fuckable does not equal beauty. It was a terrifying thought initially for someone like me who defined their value over beauty & their beauty as being fuckable. It might also be a scary thought for someone who doesn’t think that they deserve love and intimacy because of their looks. I promise you that you still deserve love! Sex did not cure my problems with my appearance, or the fact that I based my self-esteem on the way I look. It will not make you feel normal. It will not make you feel better, prove your worth or even give you more self esteem in the long term beyond the initial rush of dopamine. It is not a caravan to fulfillment.

Beauty is a concept that is based on exclusion. Allow yourself to feel the pain of being excluded, of not reaching the impossible beauty standards and the disadvantages that come with it. Allow yourself to feel the fear of not being “man enough” and be happy in spite of it.

“Patriarchal masculinity teaches us to control our pain, but it can block us from experiencing the grief that is part of a full life. Chasing pleasure and controlling pain is patriarchal. Opening ourselves up to joy and grief is to be fully human.”

”Those of us in that skinny nerd category are especially prone to thinking that we aren’t “man enough.” [..] But the more I talked to men, the more convinced I became that almost all men at some point in their lives don’t feel man enough. Even the men I thought were the “real men” were scared.

That’s not surprising. Masculinity in patriarchy—that is, masculinity in a system of institutionalized male dominance—trains men to be competitive, in pursuit of conquest, which leads to routine confrontation, with the goal of always being in control of oneself and others. But no matter how intensely competitive one is, no matter how complete the conquest, no matter how many successful confrontations, and no matter how much one stays in control—men are haunted by the fear that they aren’t man enough, that they can never stop proving their masculinity.” - Robert Jensen

Stop comparing your appearance to other men’s. Start talking and bonding with them over your undoubtably shared insecurities rooted in society’s relentless toxic masculinity. Unlearning the things you’ve been indoctrinated into since conception is damn hard. I am still in the middle of it personally, but I promise you it is worth it. It will improve not only your relationships with other men, but also with yourself and that one girl you’re pining after.

There are a ton of resources targeted at women about self acceptance, but not many for men. Robert Jenson comes from a tradition of critical men’s groups. Even though I don’t agree with him on everything, he manages to scare most men (especially the kind I mentioned in the first paragraph) to their core, but also improves their lives drastically with his kindness and radical ideas. I implore you to look him up, and try your best to keep an open mind.

“A person who functions normally in a sick society is themselve sick.”

The other most common answer  to the initial question was “being socially maladjusted”, implying that sex is something you earn by behaving a certain way. It is ingrained in the way we talk about love. “Deserving love” is the best example. Neither love nor sex is a product of work. Love and intimacy are a lot like sleep. It is a slow but unconscious process. You slowly work into it, with no idea of what comes next, and then, after an agonizingly long moment, you’re there. The fall is not often expected or easy, is always exhilarating, but never the product of conformity to anything except comfort with who you are.

I do acknowledge that social settings can be weird, existentially unsettling, and full of unseen complexities. This is especially true if you are neurodivergent and / or struggling with mental health.  Being neurodivergent or struggling with mental health goes against the impossible, hegemonically masculine standard of always being in controll. It’s a common cause behind feelings of emasculation. Disregard that feeling, and remember that you deserve love, no matter how manly you are or are not, no matter how you behave.

Learning social settings are lot like learning to skate. In the beginning you will be covered in bruises, but with enough effort, you will be better at it. The chance of mistakes will get lower, but never zero. You will always have awkward situations, but that doesn’t mean that you are bad at them. It just means that you have room to improve still. Maybe consider getting lessons or joining a skate crew.

We tend to hyperfocus on the accidents. Think about how many nice conversations you had over the internet, text or otherwise. I ask you to value them. Value these positive experiences, value your friendships and acquaintances, value the people supporting you, online and offline. We tend to hyperfocus on meaningfull longterm friendships, just like we hyperfocus on love. Value your social enviroment, value someone who just made you feel ok for a moment. You are socially adapted, because you have a social enviroment you feel comfortable in, where you have relationships with people. The depth of a relationship is not messured by time, nor by physical touch. Being mindful of your feelings for the people around you can make you realize that you are less alone than you thought.

Some Tips

If you want to make friends additionally to that, here are some tips from someone, who is bad at social clues:

Join a group with a common interest or struggle: Book clubs, activist groups, selfhelp groups, they are great settings to meet new people and you already have a topic to talk about :)

If you feel save about it: Being open about your issues can help other people adapt to you and understand you better - especially in early on in relationships.

People sitting at the bar or smoking outside are generally more open for conversation

Don’t be afraid of getting rejected: They don’t reject you, when they reject a conversation with you. The reasons people don’t want to talk to you is very diverse. Stay respectful and polite.

Don’t expect to much: No one owes you a long conversation. A smalltalk is perfectly fine.

Learn to make compliments casually and learn to compliments that aren’t based on appearance.

Find a common ground (politically, a interest ect.) and talk about it

Take a improv class, seriously TAKE A IMPROV CLASS! (there are online ones, and sometimes it’s even free)

Here are some youtube videos by Anna Akana with more tips. (1) conversations, (2) how to be a better friend, (3) overthinking

Here are is a piece about being bad at relationship I liked.

Footnote: Trophies and muses

“We do not want to do the work of helping you to believe in your humanity. We cannot do it anymore. We have always tried. We have been repaid with systematic exploitation and systematic abuse. You are going to have to do this yourselves from now on and you know it.” - Andrea Dowkin

Behind the whole obsession with sex is often a distorted perception of women. Just remind yourself that women are human? Access to female bodies is not a human right. We are not trophies to push your ego. We are not there to inspire you or heal you. We are humans with agency. We desire love and being loved, just like everyone else.

I am tired, but I believe in your humanity...

xoxo,

aestheticritique

[unimpressedperson]

“10 Movies to Describe Me” tag

Hey, as I ever said, I LOVE cinema and going to the movies, watching documentaries, enjoying life by studying every nuance present on the 7th art.

Along life we have contact with a bunch of movies and references that affect our personalities, view of world, and even how we act towards some situations. Cinema is a powerful way of art, possibly influencing.

Everyone has a list of movies which influenced our personal growth. This list is all about it: 10 Movies you can use to describe me.

1 - Spirited Away

Well, I think Spirited Away was my first contact with cinematography eastern culture and made me go further in searching for more. I was 5 or 6 when I watched and fell in love with it.

Nowadays I know how to respect different cultures, have a deep interest in stories and mythologies from other countries. Thank you Studios Ghibli!

Influenced personality: Love for mythology and cultures.

2 - The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert

I LOVE drag queens and everything related to that subculture. I remember watching that movie as a kid, after midnight and hiding from my parents, which advised me to sleep because I had school the next morning.

Everything seemed so colourful and amazing, almost magical. A explosion of music and dresses, high heels, makeup, big wigs and dancing.

While growing up it influenced my choices on sports, acceptance, music, and love for drag culture.

RuPaul's Drag Race is part of my love for drag queens, but it wasn't the first reference. Btw, support your local queens and art.

Influenced personality: Dancing skills, LGBT acceptance (when it comes to myself, I have nothing to do with someone else's sexuality), love for drag culture and pop music.

3 - Blackfish

Oh ma'am, now we got to a very rough part of my personality: my HATE and INDIGNATION over zoos and aquariums.

I don't like zoos, not at all. Watching animals caged in small spaces and sad, oh boy, it makes me want to invade the whole place with a hammer and set them free.

Before watching Blackfish I didn't quite realize how bad everything was for fishes in Aquariums as well. Now, I want to start petitions against Sea World and Aquário de São Paulo.

I love animals, WAY MORE than I enjoy being around humans, so knowing how suffering is their life inside small places makes me want to cage humans and let them walk freely.

Influenced personality: Love for sea animals and thirsty for their justice.

4 - Inglorious Basterds

(This scene is one of my favourites lol)

#ILOVEHISTORYANDTARANTINO

Well, Inglorious Basterds is a very historically inaccurate movie, but I love it with all my stone cold heart. There are so many catchphrases and iconic moments.

I just love that movie. Nothing really special or meaningful.

Influenced personality: The need for kill Nazis lol

5 - The Perks of Being a Wallflower

I was a very angst teenage and depressed as well, not counting anxiety on the mix. When I was 13 The Perks of Being a Wallflower aired on cinemas, and suddenly all my concerns about acting weird and not normal, compared to other girls around and whose studied with me, kind of seemed so pointless, mainly because Patrick, Charlie and Sam seemed to have so much fun, even acting quirckly and being classified as misfits.

My story has nothing to do with neither of characters, but I related a lot to them. So I think a big part of me came and flourished after watching The Perks of Being a Wallflower.

Also, it taught me the importance of speaking how you feel, therapy and trusting people enough to tell them when something wrong is going on.

The book is also one of my favourites, so I’m not impartial when it comes to The Perks of Being a Wallflower

Influenced personality: Not afraid of being myself, fight for human basic right of having mental health treatment guaranted and embracing my quirk personality.

6 - Erin Brockovich

Everyone who knows me well enough, is VERY aware of how independent and self-suficient I am. I hate depending on people for completing tasks or doing stuff, so most of the time I try to learn do things all by myself. It’s something natural inside of me, partly because I don’t get lonely, so the idea of depending on someone to anything makes me cringy.

Erin Brockovich is a movie I watched when I was 12 and the way Erin acted towards everyone, giving priority to her life and kids, not caring about everyone else’s opinion, it made me root to be independent like her (except for the kids and struggle to find a job). Erin exhales big dick energy, also the ending made me aplaud the movie (even tho I was alone at home watching it).

Influenced personality: I learnt how to classify my priorities, also improved my confidence on how I act, since Erin isn’t afraid of achieving things and proving her point, even if everyone else is against and won’t believe her.

7 - Lilo & Stitch

I think every single living human alive had at least one movie, you know this one movie, which you obsessed during your childhood. It doesn’t matter the genre, you watched it nonstop and pissed off your whole house with how repetitive movie marathons seemed to get with you, since everytime you picked whatever you were about to watch, your choice was quite predictable.

The movie I obsessed during my childhood was Lilo & Stitch (also Scooby Doo, where do you think I learned how to copy someone’s fingerprint by using pore cleanser and powder?).

As I mentioned a few items ago, I was a misfit and it played a big part on my life, being excluded from parties, playdates and games during P.E was common. It bothered me, but everything changed when we adopted my first dog, a dachshund called Xuxinha. We were Lilo & Stitch, whenever people treated me badly at school, I knew that she would be waiting for me at home.

Xuxinha passed away in 16th February 2017, and I still miss her.

  Influenced personality: It helped understand that people are douchebags, but as long as I have my dog/sister at home to hold and distract me, then nothing else matters. I learned the importance of surounding yourself with people who cares about your well-being, not caring specie, ethnicity, etc.

8 - Wonder

I don’t think this item requires a lot of text to describe why I felt influenced by it. Watch the movie and let’s sob together.

Influenced personality: Learned why appearance means nothing, and everyone goes through some struggle, so always be there for people who cares about you as much as you do about them. Also, always stand up against bullying, it may look like a joke now, but it can be the trigger for fatalities.

9 - Spotlight

I study Social Communication: Journalism, that’s what I’ve been wishing to do and want to be in the future. Even tho I decided what I wanted as my career YEARS before the release of Spotlight, it helped me define which kind of journalism I wanted to follow: Investigative.

It feels like I just made 4 out of 2+2, considering the fact that I love detective stories and would love to be a detective myself, but watching and acknowledging that all the investigation and  accusations were based on real facts, oh Ma’am, I can’t even describe the thrill consuming my mind only by imagining what it feels like to be involved journalistically in an investigation.

Influenced personality: My PASSION for investigative journalism.

10 - The Imitation Game

Last but not least: The Imitation Game.

Well, I constantly get annoyed on how biased our society is, for real, and whenever it happens I write poems and texts and protest, and piss off a bunch of people by only talking about a situation of inequality. When I first watched The Imitation Game the whole Alan Turing being castrated and killing himself because of homophobia and a VERY, I repeat, VERY narrow-minded society, it PISSED OFF THE HELL OUT OF ME, and I used this rage during a full semester of college paper works.

I named a group after Alan Turing and our semester project was basically about people being biased and killing genius because they cannot look further from their own bellybottoms. I won a “Oscar de Jornalismo”, which is the award that happens every six month in my college, prizing the best works from the semester.

It still makes me so angry to imagine what Alan Turing could had done if he lived for at least 20 more years.

Influenced personality: Well, it made me channel my rage about a situation and helped me to understand why we should discuss homophobia, racism, wars, etc, even harder now. Watching the world following the path for making the same mistakes all over again is frightening, and only history can help us.

- x-

It has potential to be a tag, so I’ll tag some people I want to know what movies inspired them. You don’t have to make a whole long ass text about your choices, just sharing is enough :)

@ohmydearmoonchild @okayycalum @emerson-moonchild @btsqualityy @theburntwaffle

[littlefrenchiefangirl]

It’s July 19th and I’m turning 19 today so it’s time for a yearly introspection lmao so buckle up folks I don’t know how long this post is going to be.

Two years ago on this day I just came out to my best friend, by text because I wasn’t able to tell her face to face. Partly because we kinda drifted apart at this time due to life problems and partly because we were both figuring out our sexual identity ( not easy to do when you go to a Catholic high school in a little town with homophobic folks lmao). So yeah, I was not doing good at this point of my life, internal struggles and all. I felt suffocated so I reached out to her, telling her I was a lesbian ( spoiler alert I still am, more than ever if possible). And she just took it so well it was a breath of fresh air in my life. She also came out to me this night and we were closer than ever once again and from now on whatever happened we had each other’s back.

During high school we made friends, with whom we’re still very close even if we don’t see each other as often as before. Last year on this day I came out to them during a small party. I’m an emotional drunk and I was quite tipsy ( apparently drunk me has no filter ). And they asked me questions, some stupid ones, some very interesting, but they were so supportive and so proud of me for telling them, we hugged it out with me crying from sheer hapiness in the middle of them ( btw, group hug where you are in the middle are awesome but it also feels like you’re fighting with an octopus). So yeah I’ll be forever grateful for my friends.

Around the end of March, the beginning of April this year, I came out to my brother in the most random way possible lmao. No build up, no long talk before, I just blurted it out during a car ride. He told me he already knew, that he had figured it out a long time before I was even ready to come to terms with my sexuality. Two weeks ago I came out to my mom and it was such a relief, I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. I didn’t cry when she said she’d loved me no matter what, that I’ll always be her daughter, that it didn’t matter who I love. I didn’t cry in front of her, but the next day I was alone at home and I cried my heart out, all the doubts I had, all the fear, the relief, the uncertainty that comes with coming out... I cried for at least an hour, sitting on the living room floor, smiling so wide my cheeks hurt. It was a cathartic moment for me, and one I’ll probably always remember tbh. Of course I’m not out to all my family, hell my dad doesn’t even know I’m gay. But coming out is a slow process, and it’s as nervewracking as it is healing. So I’m out to the people I love ( dont get me wrong I love my dad but i genuinely don’t know how he’ll react). 

Of course during this time I had a few bad experiences, people I came out too, by sliding a comment in a conversation, who stopped talking to me out of the blue afterwards, tactile people who wouldn’t even look me in the eyes anymore...  Some took their time and came back to talk to me, some I’ve never seen again, some who began to question their sexuality even. Anyway, coming out is always scary, you don’t know how the people you love will react. For that I’ll forever be thankful for the universe or whatever deity out there to bring those friends into my life, online and irl friends, they are all a part of my growing process, and I wish they knew how much they matter to me. If only I wasn’t so emotionally stilted lmao.

During this time when I was in the closet, I wasn’t really miserable but I wasn’t exactly happy either. I was monitoring everything little thing I did, I still catch myself doing it sometimes, out of habit. I would always think about the way I dressed, the way I talked, the way I walked for fear of being outed. But during my time in the closet, I grew up, watching lgbtq+ content on the Internet, looking up to openly lgbt+ celebrities, secretly smiling at a gay couple holding hands in the streets, or queer people in my high school who would kiss in front of homophobic people to show them that queer people exist and they live their life freely, not caring about the judmental stares of bigots. So even if they don’t see this post, I’d like to thank them, seeing openly out lgbt people is so important when you are struggling with your sexuality yourself. It made my heart warm, it gave me hope that maybe one day I could have this kind of freedom too.

 It’s the first time I’ve written so much about myself on here, so much of my internal process and I’m literally crying rivers as I write this, all the feelings coming up to the surface in waves. But I feel like I need to write everything out to start a new chapter of my life. God this post is a mess. But again thank you to the one who came out before anyone was ready to accept lgbt+ people, thanks to the ones who recently came out, thank to the ones who’ll keep on coming out and fight for our rights until we don’t have to come out anymore. We still have a long way to go but I’m hopeful. Thank to the lgbt+ couples I see in the streets, kissing, holding hands, acting like a couple basically, but I know it takes a lot of courage for lgbt+ couples to act like a straight couple in the streets, the increasing of homophobic attacks in France these last few years have shown it after all. So thank you thank you thank you.

This post is already huge ( guess I’ll have to add a read more lmao) but I’ll keep going. I was not doing great this last year, my grandma passed away, it will soon be a year since she died and I miss her deeply. On top of that college was tough for me, I’m redoing my first year because I failed and it took an emotional toll on me. It took me a long time to accept it because I’ve always done good at school without putting much effort into it. French school system teaches you ( at least that’s how I perceive it) that failure is not an option, that if you fail you’re not good enough. I learned this year that it’s not true, you can fail and you can keep failing, it’s okay, you’re good enough, you just have to keep trying. Failure is okay, it doesn’t make you any less of a person. You can mess up, you can make mistakes too, as long as you learn from them it’s okay. You’ve got your whole life to learn, to grow and bloom. I’m finally coming to terms with that, I’m finally doing okay now, good even. There are always good and bad days, always will be and it’s okay. You can’t be at your full potential everyday, doing the best you can in the moment is already enough, whether it is writing a 12 pages essay due the next day, saving the oceans or just getting up from your bed. 

What I’m trying to say I guess is that, even if you’re not doing good now, it will pass eventually, the storm always go away. You just have to hang on the best you can until bad times are behind you. It’s okay, you’re okay, and if you’re not today, you will be someday. Life gets better, it truly does. You just have to give it a chance. 

[letteredlettered]

hi! i just read away childish things and i wanted to let you know that it made me think about my own childhood/past quite a bit. i'm only 19 so i don't have as much baggage/life experience to go over as someone in their thirties but both harry's and draco's childhoods and how you described them struck a chord in me. i found myself tearing up a fair bit. (1/?)

This was a long ask so I am putting the rest and my reply behind a cut.

[childhood anon] i was reminded of my own experiences being in the closet, both past and present (i'm not properly out, and the mental calculus involved in maintaining out-ness/closeted-ness around various combinations of people and situations is just terrible and it's unfair that we have to deal with this at all); the first same-sex crush i had and what a confusing, exhilarating, and miserable time it was... i still second-guess myself (2/?)            

[childhood anon] and i'm still not entirely confident in my sexuality and my identity, and of course the future is uncertain (which causes me tremendous anxiety, but i digress). none of this is particularly easy to think about - i don't think it's possible to go over these without some emotion and saltwater - and your fic made me realize that i've been sitting on all this for a while. i read it over the past couple of days and i've been slowly processing my feelings and writing it all out &(3/?)            

[childhood anon] i just wanted to thank you because this fic has been really amazing. it's brilliant and awe-inspiring what you've created here - a really tight and intriguing plot as well as a superb character study not to mention the character growth, and of course draco's and harry's relationship with its various dimensions and your masterful treatment of it all - i'm rambling but it was really fantastic. and i'm grateful that i read it. (4/6)          

[childhood anon] i can't wait to reread it (not right away, but definitely soon) - which will be an experience because now i have an idea of what was going through draco's head when harry was de-aged (you're an actual genius) - and also because of the wall of text i just wrote! so, once again, thank you for writing away childish things; thank you for sharing it with us; and thank you for being an awesome writer and human being in general. (5/6)             

oh and btw i don't mind if you answer publicly! i hope you have a lovely day

I’m glad that you’re processing your feelings and facing something difficult for you, and it means a lot to me if something I wrote can help anyone do that.  Thank you for letting me know.

It’s natural to second guess yourself.  It’s also natural to not be confident in your sexuality or identity. Something that has always been helpful for me is to understand that even if I am not certain of anything, I can still love and be proud of who I am.  I know that’s not always easy to do, but taking time to remind yourself of what is neat and special and silly and lovely about yourself can help you remember that even if you are confused or conflicted, you are worth loving. 

One thing I wanted to explore in this fic is how sexuality is different for different people even if they identify the same way.  Harry doesn’t even really consider it until he does; his whole world blows apart, and then he sort of gets over it (though he definitely still has his confusions and his hangups).  Meanwhile Draco has understood what he wanted ever since he can remember, but his upbringing made it such a conflict inside that he will probably always have trouble with aspects of his identity.  I think that Draco eventually learns to accept that conflict as an essential part of himself, and it isn’t always easy, but in the end it makes him who he is and is part of what makes him the man Harry loves. 

We each of us are in some ways struggling to define ourselves.  It makes us who we are, and that’s okay.  Thank you again for your kind words!

[ddeathflower]

namea: I hope that in time your family comes to accept who you are. In the meantime, know that you are valid, you are important, you are loved just as you are and YES you are part of the LGBTQIA+ community.

Me too. I haven’t come out to my extended family just them and my nan but my dad just said I wanted to be a man to my uncle and I could have died. Dx Not only do you misgender but you out me to other people! Thank you for this message, every message like this helps me feel better about myself. :3

penig: TBH my first reaction to the notion of getting rid of them is horror, but that's because it would be horrible for me if I lost mine. I also hate the notion of nose jobs; it's not about gender, it's about bodily integrity. That's got nothing to do with your situation and I have no business projecting my reaction onto you as if it were the right one. It's your body and it's on me to trust you to know yourself.

I have no attachment to them whatsoever so it’s interesting to hear your pov on the subject! xD My nan had much the same argument but she wanted me to wait until I was 21 as that is generally the age of adulthood. To me the thought of people looking at me and being sexually attracted to them is repulsive. Their intended functionality also repulses me as does pregnancy and babies. 

I've vainly wished to get them removed ever since they started to grow but never once did I think it would actually happen! Thanks to pooklet I've actually found a clinic on the nhs for top surgery so within a year or two I might be boob free! :’D 

badcheesenobiscuit: I'm pan and my parents tell me they support me but they both talk about it as if it's a phase, so while I can't directly relate to your struggle I know what it's like being dismissed by your parents. You are the only one qualified to define your identity! I hope things get better for you. BTW your Rainbowcy posts always brighten my day when they appear on my dash. :)

I remember being 13 and telling my mum how i hated my boobs and that i never want babies or a boyfriend. She said you’ll want those things when you’re older. I'm older. I'm still the same except I have a word for it now. :) <3 I’m glad you’re enjoying it! I’m going to play some more in the coming days, it’s just toddlerhood is so tedious I was just waiting for Ember to age up. xD

[rational-mastermind]

(different anon) on the pride thing, lgbt folks often face discrimination and judgement for being who they are, which can make them feel ashamed or even self-loathing. "Pride" is more about finally accepting oneself and fighting the idea of their orientation or identity is shameful or harmful. It also signals to lgbt people who still feel bad about being lgbt or are trying to repress it that it's okay to be that way.

“

Being gay isn't just about who you want to bang, just like being

straight isn't. It encompasses things like crushes, dating, and other

things that come with simple romantic love. It's not comparable to

fetishes, which are solely sexual.”

--(just adding the rest of your message.)--

I understand what Pride was about and the importance of accepting yourself and knowing that what you do or like isn’t wrong.

I’m all for accepting who you are. I obviously grew up with my own past issues and it’s taken me a long time to really accept who I am and tell myself I’m not as bad or as horrible as I used to think. And I still struggle with that too. So I know how important it is to really take literal pride in yourself.

But “PRIDE” like, rainbow pins, hats, and marches down the street, insisting on a ridiculous amount of flags (love how monotonous heteorsexuality is btw. I don’t remember signing off on that...) and representation, feels like it’s, oh, I dunno. A BIT MUCH. It’s like some weird fandom except it’s not just relegated to a tv show, so it screams its passion in EVERYONE’S face. Do you know how hard it is to appreciate just a decent rainbow without worrying if it’s someone’s fucking pride or something? You know how annoying it is to see lovable characters just fucking marred by people insisting on ONLY talking about their sexuality? (Like, not in a fanfic sort of way like you do with vampire aus, I mean, like, literally that’s all their character has become.)

As for comparing it to fetishes, I understand there is a difference. But I seem to recall only using my fetish as a small analogy because honestly, hemophilia is also pretty frowned upon. Especially when you grow up in a Christian family and are taught, very strongly, that drinking blood is wrong. Vampires are evil. Liking this thing, and feeling this way about this thing, is wrong, sick, and horrible. Sounds familiar? See where I’m coming from with it? I only used it cause it’s the closest thing I could relate with, in terms of being frowned upon for this function in your brain that you’re born with and being grossly misrepresented in it as well.

And for the record, not all fetishes are solely sexual. I believe I recall saying I don’t exactly get off on blood. Truth be told, I never got off from blood, since that’s my primary example. It’s not a sexual thing for me, I just love the emotional intimacy and shared trust of feeding, the gentle nature of aftercare, and the taste and feel of the substance. Now, I wouldn’t say my relationship with my husband was started by or built on hemophilia. But there are other fetishes that do that too. (Dom/sub relationships for example aren’t just beating the shit out of someone for sexual pleasure or manipulating someone’s life.)

Again, I’ve struggled with my image too. And I do encourage people to be okay with who they are, whether they’re gay or not. But just because I’ve finally accepted who I am, doesn’t mean I’ll buy pins that say “I love blood”. Doesn’t mean I’d want to associate with some sorta flag that’s supposed to represent me. Doesn’t mean I want to be represented at all beyond a better vampire story than Twilight. (But not even for representation matters, just because Edward fucking sucks and is an embarrassment. He’s not even a stereotype)

If you are gay, that’s all well and good, and you should be happy with who you are cause Life is far too short to waste it on making yourself miserable by denying who you are. But for the love of fuck, would you please stop screaming about it every June? Would you please stop writing letters to creators, insisting that their characters be gay just to represent you? And when you finally get gay characters, can you just take the stereotypes with a grain of salt like the rest of us do? I mean, stereotypes exist for a reason and if you’re gonna tell me there’s no gay guy who’s a drama queen, I will be glad to point you in the direction of my older brother.