#btw I’m probably gonna be less active | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

jodilin65 · 11 years ago

Text

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 30, 2013 I’ve ended my friendship with Alison who, BTW, is good buddies with BOTH Kim and Molly after leading me to believe otherwise, and who is probably also still friends with Kathy as well.

Before I get into these phony liars and their twisted web of deceit, now that we got the right tools AND damn good paint (Glidden), we finished painting Tom’s office and it looks great. Yeah, you can still see the “sand” underneath the paint that we’ll never use again, but otherwise, we have a nice, even beautiful pale shade of lavender. We love it! Gonna get new drapes for that room eventually in either plum or ivory.

It really helped to get a roller brush with a longer nap, other brushes, plus a thing that makes pouring the paint easier and less messy. We also got painter’s tape and this little bucket thingy that has a compartment you pour paint in when climbing up to the ceiling to do the edging, plus a smaller compartment for your brush. Once it all came back to Tom, since we haven’t painted since we left Phoenix in 1999, and we had the proper tools, it went very fast. If God hadn’t slammed so many fucking doors in my face by cursing me with this type of sleep disorder, I can see myself enjoying painting people’s homes. It’s a lot like coloring, only you have a very big coloring book. I’m pretty good at it, though I had a hard time keeping the roller steady at first. I think it’s most important not to settle for cheap paint. Cheap paint without primer requires more than one coat and doesn’t go on evenly. If we do any touch-ups later on, say if we scuff the wall with something, it won’t look streaky or uneven. That’s another cool thing he got was this little tube you pour paint in with a mini roller brush on the end that sort of resembles the wheel of an office chair. This is for touching up later on. We’ll eventually have one in each color we use.

I slept until noon and went out running. I jogged the way down and mostly walked the way back. Hopefully, my hips and thighs won’t be sore. It’s gotta be what’s keeping my weight from climbing even more cuz I haven’t been dieting worth shit lately. I never should’ve sat on my ass and got so lazy with the physical activity like I did the year before moving since I keep everything I gain. At this age, what comes on simply doesn’t come back off, so if I don’t want to go from 30 pounds overweight to 50 or more, I gotta keep running. I like the way it makes me feel regardless. I have more energy, stamina and endurance. Still don’t have the range of mobility I used to have, but we do lose our flexibility as we age and gain weight. It is nice to know we still have some control. No, I’ll never be thin again, but I also won’t have a face like Kim’s so bloated that it practically swallows my nose and lips. Yeah, I – uh – uhem – I can be mean, too.

There are a lot of things I could do and say where the chummy little threesome is concerned, but I’d like to take the more mature approach to the situation by simply writing about what happened in my journal just like I would in the pre-internet days, then be done with it and move on. You see, my husband is the only smart one in this household. He has no friends at all. Not because he’s unlikable, and not because anything’s keeping him from going out and making them, but because he simply has no desire to socialize. Hell, I’m not a social butterfly either. At least I never was in person. In cyberspace, though, I’ve really gotten around, finding it fascinating to meet all different kinds of people in different parts of the world. My being multilingual has made this even easier to do. But it’s also caused me unnecessary headaches that I could certainly do without.

Andy said he finds it sad Tom has no friends and this totally baffles me. Why be sad for someone who is happy to be the way he is? If you want to be sad for someone, be sad for some poor miserable soul like Kim who hates herself so damn much that she can’t stand to be herself and therefore must pretend to be others. Be sad for the guy who has a heart of gold but can’t get a girlfriend cuz he’s fat, ugly and bald. Not someone who chooses to be what suits them best and makes them happiest. That’s like a straight person feeling sad for a gay person. I mean, why bother? Because what makes the straight person happy doesn’t make the gay person happy, too? Because it’s not “normal?” Well, others can do what they want and we always try not to judge others for how they choose to live, but we have no desire to stick to the “norms.” If it works for us, why change it, normal or not?

Another reason Tom doesn’t have a network of online friends is that he’s never really been interested in doing things that puts him in the public spotlight. Andy and I are into things where anyone can find and contact us easily enough. Tom doesn’t blog or care for sites like Ask or Twitter. He has some accounts because he may need them to enter contests, but his main online activities include games, TV and the news. No one’s put any chains on him. If he decides to make friends on or offline, he can. Meanwhile, as long as no one’s being harmed, people should have the right to do what they want. Do I feel guilty for looking out for myself by not being too sociable? Absolutely not.

What Andy did say that makes sense is that it’s better to make friends in person cuz online you don’t know what’s going on. He has a point there, but it’s also easier to cut ties with those who don’t live near you. So while I don’t care to “switch” to in-person friends, he is right about that much. Cyberspace is like walking through the woods at night. You never know what’s hiding behind the tree you’re about to pass by.

I haven’t been open to new friends for about a year now, it’s been working great for me, and if someone wants to get all sad about that and not for some poor innocent child dying of cancer or something, fine. I make no apologies for how I am, as always.

Anyway, after what I recently learned, I can kind of understand Andy’s trust issues and his desire to remain alone. Right now I am questioning almost everyone and everything I know, and I too, and wondering what/who I can believe. I’m tempted to drop everyone I never actually met in person, but I can’t see myself doing that to Nane, Adonis, Paul and others. Not unless they give me a reason to. This is getting kinda long, so let me post it, then I’ll finish the rest of the story when I have time. LOL, poor suckers have probably been stewing in nervous anticipation of just what I may write and when.

Later…

Ok, to finish the Aly and trolls saga. Will I post sensitive info? No, I won’t. Will I hold back from telling it like it is? No, I won’t. If they have a problem with that then they should’ve thought about this up front, and they should stop reading my blog, too. But sadly, while I may be done with them, I’m sure they’ll follow my every word and movement for life. I just wonder (and worry) how bad Aly’s going to become. She’s not crazy like Kim and Molly. She’s actually very intelligent. So hopefully, regardless of how hard she may take my discovering her lies and being dumped, she won’t lash out in ways that’ll annoy the shit out of me till she either gets sick of it or gets herself in trouble. I don’t think she will, but then again, I didn’t think Kim would turn on me the way she has either. Time will tell, but I’d like to think she won’t be a problem as far as trying to contact me goes.

I’m not perfect. I’ve made mistakes. But I always try to be a good, honest person and do the right thing, especially when it comes to those who have always been good and honest with me in return. I know that while God may or may not be for real, along with the afterlife, karma is for real. Therefore, I’d rather just end it with someone who’s wronged me rather than seek revenge on them. I’m too busy for that anyway. I hope they’ll do the same in return with me, but if not they’ll be the ones to deal with the consequences in the end more so than I ever will. Aly may be FBI, but I’m psychic. :) Not a threat; just a fact.

Then again, is she? Is she really with the FBI? Is Alison her real name? Does she really live in the state she says she lives in? Is she really the age she says she is?

There is nothing that shakes the very foundation of one’s ability to trust more than finding out you thought you knew someone that you really didn’t know at all. I can tell you she’s smart. I can tell you she’s a good writer. But at this point, I can’t tell anything else.

What is it with people? They lie, they cheat, they can’t accept you as you are, they judge you, they two-face you, they betray you, they try to control and change you, they stab you in the back, they pretend to be who they aren’t, etc. So… if we’re not presently friends, I don’t want to know you, and again, I make no apologies for doing what I feel is best for me. We bomb our homes to keep bugs away without regrets. Well, I’m closing doors to future friends to keep bullshit away… also with no regrets. :) The fewer friends the better. The more friends the more you get caught up in people’s bullshit.

I’m just glad I didn’t give Aly our exact address. The reason for this is because we’ve never been pen pals and I never expected us to be. Therefore, if anyone hacked her email account, my address wouldn’t be included. She could probably find out exactly where we live if she really wanted to, and while I used to worry about others having our address, I realize that’s a silly fear. What could they do with it? Come visit me? Send me a dead rat? Wish some of them would come visit me!

Anyway, to cut to the chase, I cut ties with Kim over a year ago for two facing me. She’d be sweet and kind to my face while dishing all kinds of hate and insults anonymously till I finally caught her at it. She would also lie to others I knew and eventually, I couldn’t tell fact from fiction and so I let her go. When I confronted her on my way out she reacted with a classic guilty reaction by deactivating the account she harassed me from, blocking me on others, and then trying to turn it around and make it look like I was the one bothering her. I thought that like most people, she’d eventually calm down and move on. Instead, she has been stalking and harassing me every chance she gets. She stalks more than she harasses, though, cuz I do my best to make it harder for people to contact me. I suppose I should open as many doors as I can to this crazy bunch, as the more unwanted shit that gets archived, the more they could get in trouble for it, but I’d rather not bother right now. Waste of time.

I guess I’m not going to finish what happened in this post either. Maybe next time!

Later…

Let me sum it up in a nutshell as to why I cut ties with Alison, then I’ll expand from there. She led me to believe that she dumped both Kim and Molly ages ago for harassing her. She told me she gets the “occasional” email from Molly, but that’s it. She even (supposedly) created an account as Kim and with Kim’s pic, which I believed was retaliation for her constant prying eyes, lies, phoniness and harassment.

And then I found it. Numerous accounts of both hers and Kim’s and even one that’s connected to Molly. Yes, Aly, Kim and Molly are ALL damn good buds and it appears they’ve been this way for some time now, especially Aly and Kim. They’re probably still buddies with Kathy too, even though the only one that supposedly is still her friend is Kim.

As I told Aly directly, it isn’t who she’s friends with that’s a problem. She has a right to pick and choose her own friends. It’s the fact that she’s lied to me about it, along with other things. Some things I can’t prove, but I trust what my gut tells me. In fact, I could kick myself for not listening to it sooner. I’ve had my doubts and suspicions on and off where Aly’s concerned, starting when I caught her telling Kim on Twitter that I was only telling Kim I had the cops after her to scare her off. This was supposedly to get Kim’s ass off of hers and to calm her down. By giving me away like that? Oh please! Just fucking please! I was horrified to see that. What a fucking traitor, I thought, but sure enough, she had her perfect little explanation waiting and ready to fire at me and I was dumb enough to fall for it. I guess back then I chose to see the good in Aly and I didn’t want to give that good side up. But now there’s been too many lies that have left me with too many doubts and suspicions. I have to let her go, good side or not.

I also have reason to believe she was behind the Karli M account and she was the one accusing me of harassing Molly and writing like Adonis. Kim wouldn’t be smart enough to do that, but she would be. I always suspected Kim had help in that one. I just never thought it would be from the person that was supposed to be my friend and that I thought I could trust. Kim and Molly may be crazy, but Alison and Kathy aren’t. Kathy’s mean and Alison, apparently, is a liar. Why the hell would someone tell you they think of calling someone’s local PD all the while being friends with them??? She hates her, she loves her, she likes her… I can’t figure her out anymore. I just can’t.

I also realize that she could’ve very well been involved in some of the harassment I’ve received on Ask as well as harmless questions she was, for some reason, afraid to let me know were from her. Maybe she’s the one who asked why I think racism is overrated. The point is that if she can two-face Kim by being buddies with her on Twitter while making fun of her in an account in her name, she can be doing the same thing to me. I don’t give a shit what they do in my name or what they say or write about me as long as they stay away from me, but as I told her, it’s gotten to the point that I can’t tell what’s real anymore. The lies, the excuses, the phoniness… I don’t need the drama. She’s killed the trust I had in her and frankly, I don’t know that I could believe a damn thing she says. Friendship must be based on trust and if there’s no trust, there’s no friendship. At least not for me. I have enough self-respect for myself to pull away from those I’ve caught in lies.

I guess that just like some women are drawn to abusive men, some people are drawn to toxic friends. She chose to tweet multiple times a day, every day to this proven lying, phony, obsessive stalker while ignoring me, someone who’s always been good to her and honest with her, for days on end. That alone tells me what kinds of “friends” she prefers to have.

She said that while she’s made mistakes and feels bad about it, I believe/see the worst in her, but it’s not a matter of what I believe; it’s what I see. It’s what she’s proven to me. I’m not just guessing anymore or suspecting she may be lying and maybe even into worse things than just saying she’s not friends with those she is friends with. Take the constant changing of accounts and email addresses for example. That’s usually a sign of someone trying to cover their tracks, but I was dumb enough to fall for her line of “I’m trying to escape and hide from so and so” or “I lost my PW and don’t remember the email for that account or “I just can’t log in.”

It all began when I went hunting for some of the dozens and dozens of Kim accounts on Twitter to block them. Sure I knew she’d just create new ones, but why make it easier for her? It was when I stumbled upon one of Kim’s Glee fan accounts that I found one she tweeted to and thought, hmm… that seems like a name and avatar Aly would use. When I realized it was indeed her I was a little upset but my first thought was she was only following Kim to see what shit she may be up to without letting her know who she really was. But when I saw that she mentioned her interests, her location, her cat, every single suspicion I’ve had about her, if only for a fleeting moment, went flashing through my mind and I said, “Ok, we’re done. We’re definitely done now.” Then when I found another account of Aly’s that’s connected to both Kim and Molly, I said, “Ok, we’re doubly done. No doubt about it.”

There were tweets about setting up accounts on MO and MM, whatever the fuck that means. Anyone know what MM is? Molly also said something to the effect of pretending to be Jodi. I asked Tom if I could go down for any accounts they created in my name that they either made threats from or did anything illegal from, and he said no. So fine, let them entertain themselves. If anything, Aly made escaping the other trolls easier for me cuz now there’s no connection to them. But she can have the fuckers. If she feels crazy liars are better for her, hey, it’s a woman’s prerogative, right?

Aly told me she was happier spending more time offline and I would often go days without hearing from her. In reality, she’s been scrabbling her little heart out and tweeting away with Kim daily, who she says that when you look beyond her obsessive ways is not that bad. Not that bad? Not that bad?!?! I guess we have a different definition of what’s not that bad, but being sweet and kind to one’s face while anonymously insulting them seems bad enough to me. So is telling lie after lie and impersonating others.

When I messaged Aly about the creation of the Karli account, she amazingly replied to me with perfect timing. You know, after supposedly being offline for days? Of course she denied it was her, and maybe it wasn’t. But I don’t doubt she at least knew about it and was behind leaving Molly comments as Adonis. Like a fool, though, I took her word for it when she denied any involvement.

There are other little things along the way that I thought were weird or that didn’t quite make sense, but that is for my next entry. My, my, I’m on a roll with the writing tonight, aren’t I?

Later…

I don’t wish any harm to Alison and her little friends. Just that she and the demented others leave me alone. What I mean by “leave me alone” is not contact me. I don’t want any messages, tweets, emails, questions, friend requests or comments. If they want to write stories, lies and blogs all about me, fine. Just as long as they stay away from me and let me move on even if they can’t. Kim and Molly especially have proven to feel nothing but contempt for me anyway so why focus on me then?

Despite feeling hurt, angry and betrayed by Alison’s… what would I call it, double life? Double side? Either way, it’s not like I hope she gets run over by a bus or anything like that. The others can stuff an exhaust pipe up their asses and go for the ride of their lives for all I care, but for some reason, I don’t feel that kind of animosity toward Aly. Perhaps because we had a friendship in the midst of the lies. We had something. Molly and I were never friends and Kim and I didn’t have shit either. We couldn’t build the kind of relationship Aly and I had or have the kinds of chats we had cuz they weren’t intelligent enough. Dealing with Kim and Molly was like dealing with children. They couldn’t do things like catch errors in my stories because they wouldn’t know what to look for. Aly notices things others don’t. And while a part of me will miss Aly who I once considered one of my absolute best of cyber friends, I will remember the good times and that’s it. I don’t regret what we had, I’m just sorry she felt she had to deceive me like she did. I really thought she cared about me as much as I cared about her. I loved the hell outa her. Not in that way, of course, but I must’ve felt something. I hung on long after she outed my intentions to Kim and I began to suspect other things she may not have been truthful about.

I’m sure if I let her “explain” this one she’d be quick to tell me something like how she’s investigating Kim or is just doing this to keep her off her ass. Being friends with her didn’t keep her off my ass. There she was all lovey-dovey to my face just to let me know what she really thought of me anonymously. Very mean, crazy, hateful person.

And Molly – ugh! Like an idiot, I gave her one of Kim’s Twitter account links on Ask thinking I was doing her a favor and that they weren’t friends, and asked her not to post it. Sure enough, the dumb shit goes and posts it anyway saying, “Wow, she must be bored.” rolls eyes Fucking idiot. Always has been, always will be.

Back to the “intelligent” troll, though I honestly don’t think Alison qualifies for being labeled as a troll. Just a liar and a traitor. The strangest story Aly ever told me was that someone hacked one of Kim’s Facebook fan pages and used that account to message her sister Carol to tell her just how fucked up Kim is. I immediately thought that was weird. Who the hell else would Kim happen to know that happens to be able to hack accounts like Aly can that would contact the sister? Why not just go directly to the sister from their own account?

It isn’t just the big things like finding she’s friends with the trolls, but the subtle contradictions as well. One time I had her run a trace on an email address for me and she said something about having her own way of looking up either email addies or IPs, but recently she told me she didn’t know much about IPs.

As I reflected on the lies I’ve caught her in and the suspicions I have that I can’t prove but am probably right about, I realized the impact it could have on me later on down the road. People sometimes bide their time to look less obvious, then they strike with a vengeance. Again, I’m not saying Aly will harm me in any way, but if she really is with the FBI, well, that may not be like being God, but that’s probably runner-up to the US Marshals. If she were just a regular pig, that’d be one thing. Local cops are state. But the FBI is federal and the feds have a lot more flexibility, which means a lot more potential for abuse of power. She’s supposedly an analyst and not an actual agent, but close enough. She’s also had hacking training for her former job. Now someone somewhere knew it was me who left some comments on MO. They were so damn sure of it. They “know their way around sites,” they said. Well, the only way to know it was me would be to hack MO and read their visitor log. Would Aly take such risks all for the identity of a commenter? I guess that’s for her to know and me to wonder. Still, has she hacked any of my accounts without me knowing it? Tom says anyone can get a hold of programs that the FBI uses to crack PWs of those they’re investigating. Even he has one. He used it for some documents he had online that were encrypted.

Time will tell what if anything happens. I’m sure they’re not going to show up on my tracker, and whatever happens, I will deal with it accordingly. I’d like to think Aly wouldn’t mess with my accounts, but as she herself says on Twitter, she’s all about having fun and exploring her boundaries. Well, she reached the limit as far as the boundaries of our friendship go, so now we’ll see if she stretches the boundaries of the law or not… and I will be waiting and ready to deal with it if she does.

When I made my last check of their tweets (no, I’m not going to peak in after tonight cuz I don’t care to follow those I dislike) there was Aly and of course her buddy Kim, too. That one ran because that’s what she always does when she’s confronted. She probably just blocked me instead of deactivated, though. The skitzo literally has hundreds of accounts. Aly said something about making decisions tomorrow. Well, there’s nothing to decide where I’m concerned. We’re done. I’m just a memory for her now.

Another thing that sucks is that my secret accounts obviously aren’t the secrets I thought they were as far as the trolls go. If Aly hasn’t done so already she could give her beloved trolls my email addy and links to other accounts that I don’t want them to know about. Just how “secret” is the Ask account I use to keep in touch with Andy? He offered to change accounts, but nah, they’ll only find it if they really want to. Kim and Molly probably wouldn’t have brains enough to find it, but Aly would.

The thought of me thinking that Aly was my friend while secretly laughing at the games she and the trolls were playing (or at least games she knew the trolls were playing with me) really pisses the shit out of me.

At first I thought of shutting down all my accounts and creating new ones, but I’m not running. I haven’t done anything wrong and so there’s no reason to hide. If I shut down accounts in the future it will be for reasons not connected to them. If I allow anonymous comments round the clock, that too, will have nothing to do with them.

Alison could probably find any account I create, and why block any of theirs? They’ll only create new ones.

I think she probably is with the FBI based on what I’ve seen and read. Her name, location and age are probably real, but everything else is hit or miss.

Do I really need any more hit-or-miss friends in my life?

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 29, 2013 The painting of the second bedroom is proving to be a mixed bag. Unfortunately, we ran out of paint and realized that the tools we purchased weren't suitable for the job. We should have bought individual tools instead of opting for the set. While the Palest Lavender paint itself is excellent and doesn't emit a strong odor, the texture we added was ultimately a waste of time. Despite thoroughly stirring it into the paint, the texture appears uneven, resembling clumps of sand on the wall overlaid with paint.

Furthermore, the thick and clumpy consistency of the paint made it challenging for Tom to avoid hitting the quarter round along where the walls and ceilings meet. We may opt to replace those altogether.

On a brighter note, I appreciate how mixing the primer into the paint means we only need to apply one coat. It effectively covers dark scuffs and marks, indicating it will also cover the remaining sections of dark paneling well. Regardless, the room is bound to look better with its new color.

The question now is how to proceed with the next rooms. Should we leave the strips and forgo spackling, opting instead for plain old paint and primer? Or should we consider renting a spray-on texture device to emulate the plastered appearance achieved in Jesse's trailer bedroom, which boasted the most modern-looking walls in the whole place?

Life otherwise remains unchanged - my dreams continue to feature one or both of my parents, the fight for marriage equality persists, racism remains prevalent, and the dry weather persists, albeit conducive to faster paint drying.

Later on…

It amuses me how many people equate weight with fitness. Thinness doesn't always correlate with good health, believe me. When I was thin, I couldn't run a mile non-stop, but now, as an aging individual carrying extra weight, I can.

Tom has also abandoned his diet. Losing weight seems impossible as we age, and any progress made often seems fleeting, with the lost pounds returning like a wayward pet finding its way back home. While I strive to maintain fitness through exercise and sensible eating, I acknowledge that weight gain is inevitable as I age. I may gain a pound every six months to a year, rather than every six minutes as I initially feared. Ultimately, my concern lies more with how I feel rather than how I look or others' perceptions of my appearance. I don't want to lose the ability to bend over comfortably due to excessive weight gain.

I'm genuinely curious how individuals like Kim, who weigh 330 pounds or more, find clothing that fits them. Even plus sizes must have their limits, right? At such a weight, where does one find suitable clothing?

It's intriguing how every time Kim visits my Twitter page, I'm recommended more of her fan club accounts, which I promptly block. I wonder how she manages to keep track of all the emails and passwords. This fixation, coupled with her refusal to heed those who have asked her to stay away, appears to consume her entire life.

Tomorrow, we plan to purchase more paint and a roller brush with a longer nap to ensure better coverage, as the current one didn't reach into the grooves adequately. We'll also need to replace the quarter rounds with new quarter or crown moldings. Additionally, painting the very bottom of the wall poses a challenge in the absence of baseboards. This is why I prefer to paint the entire place before installing the new carpet.

A follower made a valid point about textured ceilings accumulating more dust. While I appreciate their ability to reduce sound echoes, they do indeed attract dust, and attempts to clean them often result in more mess. Despite this, I still prefer their appearance over flat ceilings.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 28, 2013 Happy Thanksgiving to those who celebrate! Tom and I aren't big fans of turkey, so we're simply taking it easy, enjoying various foods, engaging in online activities, and preparing to paint the walls of the second bedroom. We've removed strips from the wallboard seams and plan to spackle them with joint compound. However, we'll have to wait until tomorrow to start painting, as we want the spackle to dry overnight. It's essential to ensure the paint doesn't seal in any moisture.

The surroundings have been eerily quiet, a stark contrast to the usual bustle. Come Monday, the landscapers will resume their work, maintaining the vast expanses of common space and individual properties. Within another month or so, all the leaves should have fallen, hopefully reducing the need for daily maintenance. Personally, I'd prefer if they replaced the grass and maples with quieter plants, but I understand the appeal of grass and leafy trees. Not all yards here feature grass; some opt for gravel or bushes instead.

I've discovered a new method for copying and reposting old entries to Blogger and Prosebox. I hope I'm not overwhelming anyone on Prosebox with my frequent posts, considering it attracts more traffic than the other blogging platforms I use. Although it's relatively new, Prosebox seems to have garnered millions of users, mainly composed of former OD users dissatisfied with the platform's decline.

Alison created a fan page for Kim M on MO, using an exaggerated caricature of her face with oversized glasses. Despite spreading the link far and wide, Kim hasn't reacted thus far.

Later on…

I must say, I did an excellent job cutting Tom's hair today, and he agrees. Initially skeptical about the new trimming shears he bought, I found them surprisingly easy to use once I got the hang of them, albeit a bit tedious and time-consuming due to his lengthy hair. We set the shears to trim his hair to a uniform length of one inch, slowly passing them over his head multiple times to ensure each hair was cut evenly.

Unfortunately, we ran out of spackling for the bedroom walls, but we decided to use that room as a test area instead of rushing out to get more. Tomorrow, it will be painted a pale lavender, which we're both looking forward to.

I'm surprised Bubble Face hasn't updated her little fan blog. What's her next move? Perhaps impersonating me and calling Molly using my area code? It's infuriating to think about, and I find myself seething with anger. I haven't felt this enraged in a long time, especially towards someone who seems to revel in causing distress to others. If only that despicable person would face consequences for her actions.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 27, 2013 It seems my LJ posts are still cross-posting to Twitter, despite my protected tweets, all thanks to a certain nosy individual who can't seem to move on. Since I can't decide where to blog, I suppose I'll just blog everywhere except for MyOpera. Why bother blogging on a platform slated for shutdown?

No unsettling dreams last night, but predictably, my parents made an appearance. I half expected them to ambush me once I fell asleep. However, they only featured briefly in a couple of dreams. Instead, the focus was primarily on my Italian parents. In one dream, I visited them in a ground-floor apartment of a large building. As I approached the front door, I could see into their living room. Dad was asleep, but Mom was reading. She greeted me with a smile, and I began conversing with her in sign language to avoid waking Dad, amusingly enough. Additionally, I found myself surprisingly agile, effortlessly navigating what seemed to be a mound of snow or a sand dune.

Waking up with a scratchy throat, I'm unsure whether it's due to a cold or the dry weather. Regardless, I'm combatting it with copious amounts of hot coffee and a throat lozenge.

Sunday's forecast boasts temperatures nearing 70°. While it's chilly at present, I'm determined to tackle my walk early. It feels like I'm perpetually bloated, prompting me to wonder if this will continue until I literally burst. My menstrual-like symptoms persist, and I suspect it might be the onset of menopause as I'm just shy of turning 48. While I haven't experienced hot flashes, I've been plagued by frequent bouts of lightheadedness, which I can only describe as a rush in my head. Nonetheless, I won't dwell on it; it's hardly worth mentioning.

Later…

The kitchen sink remains clogged despite my efforts with drain opener, so I'll leave it for Tom to handle when he returns, as I'm at a loss for what else to do.

I opted for a light jog, nearly reaching the front gate. Maintaining a pace of just under 4MPH, I aimed to avoid burnout, cramping, or injury. On the return journey, I mostly walked.

Catching sight of myself in the master bathroom's sizable mirror, I realized that perhaps fate isn't entirely against me. Yes, I may be overweight, a fact I've come to accept with age, but my face still holds some semblance of attractiveness, and I appear relatively healthy and fit despite the extra pounds. I acknowledge I shouldn't be so harsh on myself, especially considering there are many younger individuals facing more significant challenges.

That's all for now. I'm in a sluggish mood, enjoying the peace and quiet of today.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 26, 2013 The pricey rat toy I won arrived yesterday, and Romeo just LOVES it. Sugar doesn’t really care, but Romeo loves to chase the thing all around the room. It’s a feather at the end of the string, which is attached to a wand that sort of resembles a fishing rod. Once we have lighter-colored carpet where he’ll show up better, I’ll make some videos.

Got a holiday card from Paula, which is nice. I’ll get a letter off to her soon enough.

I’m enjoying the last of the peace until the banging and buzzing start. Next door was back to parking in the carport, coming and going and slamming doors. Most of the door slamming was at the house they’re trying to sell that they’re obviously having a very hard time selling. This is a very expensive park. They need to lower the price on that house first, as big and as luxurious as it is. Especially since it’s on the edge.

Anyway, something was going on again next door. That same white pickup returned that had some boxes in back of it. Also, the SUV was parked at the end of the driveway, which means something was going on in the garage. I could hear movement in there every time I went to use the bathroom.

I think I forgot to mention that on Saturday morning Tom and I went to Home Depot. We picked up a gallon of Palest Lavender paint to do the second bedroom. He’ll have four days off this week, and that’s when we’ll do the painting.

I’m trying to decide if I want to go around to all my blogs and delete all the old entries and just have it be from the here and now. It’s just so much work to sync and manage the blogs and to edit this and that, but then again, deleting everything would take time and work, too. I can just turn my first MD account private because I don’t use it anymore anyway, but I just can’t decide what I want to do for sure. I think to myself that I should get rid of past posts because they are after all in the past, but the entries I write today will eventually be in the past too, so I’m not sure what I want to do. I’m undecided at the moment.

Later…

Now let’s talk about Kim. Yeah, the dumbshit had to know she’d eventually get caught with her latest fake profile impersonating Aly, just like she gets caught with everything else, right? And she had to know I’d mention it too, right? Does she actually WANT me to bash her in my blogs? Does she actually LIKE it when I do? Well, this isn’t about what Kim M wants, but what’s happening to a friend and how I choose to write about it. I was going to make private or deactivate every account she knows about so she has nothing to stalk, but that’s what KIM does when she’s been caught at something. Meanwhile, I haven’t done anything wrong, and I’m not running. I’m through trying to hide from this crazy bitch. Let her read every word of my blogs for the rest of her life if she wants. I don’t care what she thinks. I’m not obligated to her, and after all she’s done to me and my friends, I’m not in any position to give her any respect or privacy when it comes to airing out the stunts she’s pulled on us.

Yesterday I was so fucking pissed at her I could’ve strangled the living shit out of her! Damn her and her same old fucking shit that goes on year after year after year! If I ever visit my family in New England, I’m stopping in Stafford Springs. You can count on that. Just five minutes alone with her. Just five minutes!

The problem is that our hands are tied because she hasn’t used our exact names, and she’s lashing out at us through Molly’s account and not any of ours. This is a professional stalker who knows the ropes well. She’s done this for years, and she knows what’s legal and what’s not. She’s breaking the law without quite breaking it. I’m pretty sure she’s had/has help and is not acting alone. I knew her to be dumb and immature, so that’s why I think someone’s helping her. At the time I didn’t realize the depth of her insanity, and if someone had told me a few years ago, “Piss her off, and she’ll stalk you for life,” I’d have been like, “Kim? Nah, no way.”

I realize I gotta stop thinking she’s gotten sick of me just because I’ve made it hard for her to contact me directly, not that she has the guts to contact me from an account, bogus or not, on any of my own accounts. She will only do so anonymously or through other people’s accounts like her latest, Karli M account on MyOpera, which I have reported. Funny, though, cuz she can’t delete, deny, and delude when it comes to this account. Only MO can ban it. If not it will sit there till the site shuts down in March. The Karli account uses much of Aly’s real info, so that’s why I first thought it was really Aly and couldn’t figure out why she would defend someone like Molly and point a finger at me. But Kim has always had a deep-seated hatred for me that I never could fathom, and so she WOULD point a finger at me. And she WOULD try to steer any suspicions away from Kathy cuz they’re still friends as far as I know. They can have each other! Although I don’t know why, Kim has hated me since day one. Why she bothered to pretend to be my friend for a couple of years, I don’t get. It wasn’t until I caught her two-facing me on Ask with the nasty anonymous comments that I realized she was no friend at all, and that’s when I dumped her. But this was well over a year ago, for God’s sake! Get over it and move on! I honestly wonder if this sick twist pays more attention to those that don’t want a damn thing to do with her than those who do (until her true colors shine brightly).

Meanwhile, she checks my blogs, Ask, Twitter, and other accounts religiously, along with others she’s harassed and is still harassing every chance she gets, and the longer it goes on, the more I’m convinced she’s NEVER going to stop. How sad that this crazy elephant has nothing more to look forward to in life than food, celebs, impersonating people, and cyberbullying. That’s her whole life. I don’t understand why someone this crazy hasn’t been placed in a controlled environment.

I could kick myself for letting her fool me like she did, but she did such a good job of making herself look like Allison that I actually believed it for a minute there. So did Molly, who she’s also texting as Aly by changing the area code on her phone to make it look like she’s in another location. She does this when visiting my blogs too.

As bad as Molly could be in the past, she definitely doesn’t deserve what she’s gotten. To the best of my knowledge, Molly may still be unstable, moody, pushy, and needy, but she hasn’t bothered anyone lately. Why she bothers to allow for comments unless she actually wants the attention is beyond me. All she has to do is disable that and block Kim, then she can blog in peace without the unwanted shit sprinkled in.

I blame myself just as much as I blame Kim for getting me all riled up. Had I not bothered to follow Molly’s damn blog, I wouldn’t know what’s going on. Ignorance really is bliss so I won’t be looking in on anyone’s blog there, fake or not, while the site still exists.

I also feel bad for suspecting Adonis, but the fat tub of shit was apparently smart enough to take note and remember how he writes and how he often connects his contractions from when she was on my Facebook friend list. He also has his own account on MO and has left comments on it. That’s how trolls find those they obsessively stalk. They don’t just look up the people directly, but will link to their friends as well.

It was her erratic writing style that finally gave her away as well as a little detective work I’m not at liberty to discuss which confirmed her identity. The only other thing I’ll say is that it hit me that the person had to be in the US. Adonis is in EU and there’s no way he could get his profile to say he was in the US. I know this because somebody once wanted to make an account look like they were in Australia to avoid trolls, and it would not let them. Even though they chose that country for their location it still said they were in the US whether they wanted it to or not.

They say the crazy only gets crazier with time. If she would just start harassing me directly on a regular basis I could then have her dealt with and be done with her. IDK, maybe instead of trying to close doors to her and lock her out of my life I should fling them wide open and throw out a welcome mat. Maybe I should help pave the way to make it easy for the nutjob to incriminate herself. If she would only have the guts to contact me from an account instead of just anonymously!

After being fooled by the connected contractions, my second guess was Kathy. She is a very vengeful person, but she recently had a kid and so her life is over for a while. At first, I was hoping she would lose the kid as I thought it was high time that the spoiled little princess learned what it’s like to lose and actually not get something you want. As far as I could tell from back when I knew her, she would get every single thing in life she ever wanted, just not always as fast as she’d like. She never learned what it’s like to be deprived of anything, and that made her a very insensitive person. She would pretend to be sympathetic to you, but she didn’t really give a shit. Kim also lacks empathy, but I believe in her case it’s just plain insanity. Psychopaths and sociopaths are unable to feel and experience emotions like sympathy, apathy, empathy, guilt, and pity.

Now I’m glad Kathy had the brat. The thing is actually doing me a favor by coming into existence because now Kathy won’t have the time to bully anyone. Not unless harassing others is more important than taking care of it. So now I can get a break for at least a few years… until the damn thing gets older.

Later…

Still can’t decide if I want to delete old entries from all my blogs or just edit anything I feel should be edited and leave it as is. LiveJournal is the only blog that crossposts to other sites. With other blogs, I kind of have to help them. It’s also easy to override if there’s something I don’t feel is Facebook-friendly.

Last night I had a dream that Kathy and I were friends again. Only she was still pregnant, and we met in person. She was at my house, which didn’t look like my house, as is usually the case in dreams. Tom worked second shift, and I was worried because he never came home that night.

The next morning, I found myself at Kathy’s, sipping coffee with her in her kitchen and admiring the lovely new blue carpet she had recently acquired. I expressed my concern about Tom, who still hadn't returned by the time I had awakened.

In other news, my friend Christine got engaged, and I couldn't be happier for her! Despite being a few years younger than me and residing in Ohio, she has found someone to spend the rest of her life with. Christine has been a loyal follower of my blog for years.

Observing my neighbor return from his first outing of the day and park in the garage, I concluded that there wouldn't be much activity there today.

Later, I realized the source of a troubling dream involving Tom failing to return home after his second shift. Unfortunately, reality mirrored my dream as we discovered fraudulent charges on our credit card. Thankfully, Tom's vigilance in monitoring our accounts enabled us to notify the bank before significant damage was done.

In response, I undertook my familiar routine of rearranging my blogs, a serious hobby of mine. I made my first MD private since I no longer utilized it, and restricted access to all my LJ posts prior to this month except for my bio. Additionally, I purged Blogger of recent entries and pared down my PB books, preserving only essential content such as my bio, short story, and our narrative since moving in.

This clean slate allows me to refresh my content periodically while retaining everything on my hard drive.

Now, I must decide which platforms to continue using. Aly and I have safeguarded our tweets, rendering LJ's cross-posting feature obsolete for that purpose. I have opted to continue sharing posts exclusively on Facebook.

Despite my aversion to unwanted scrutiny, I refuse to be intimidated into hiding. Therefore, I intend to maintain all four of my blogs. And while I harbor no ill will toward Molly, I harbor strong sentiments against Kim M, whose actions warrant condemnation to the fullest extent.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 25, 2013 Wish I knew why this darn dictation program of mine takes forever to launch, but anyway, Nane has identified our mystery flower. She says it’s a Camellia, and when I looked up pictures of it, it does seem to look exactly like it. So thanks to her, we now know what it is. I guess Camellia trees can grow to be about 8 or 9 feet tall.

I also wish I had more to write, but I can’t think of anything right now. I’m just enjoying the peace before the daily landscapers hit the scene. Running a load of dishes through the dishwasher and having the robot vacuum for me now. These gadgets really do make my life a little bit easier, especially the robot.

Can’t remember any dreams from last night, but it’s hard to believe I didn’t have any. I think I’ll go copy and sync some of my blogs like I have been.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 24, 2013 OMG, this is too funny! Can't post it online, though. Out of a moment's boredom, I decided to say hello to Molly on Ask. I mentioned knowing her from WordPress, a place where I know she's blogged, and randomly chose the name Amanda. I asked if she remembered me, and she replied, "Yes, how are you?" LOL.

I made my LiveJournal blog public again just for the hell of it. I like how that's the only blog that automatically posts to Twitter; I have to do it manually from other blogs. Maybe I'll have it post to Facebook too. If I do, though, no graphics will show in the preview on FB since I usually don't add any there. Only the skinny blogs seem to look good with graphics. My LJ template is a wide-set one. I also like how LJ posts what songs I'm currently listening to on Last.fm.

Got a message from Tammy. She's been through quite a nightmare and still is. While the knee surgery went well, there's been one mess-up after another, she says. Not getting her meds on time, nurses showing up late to the house, etc. Maybe this will finally be it for her for a while. She seems to have gotten everything "fixed" that can be fixed, and her lungs stabilized.

I won a $35 feather cat toy that the cats will no doubt love. It's on a stick that you set up for them.

We have several bushes along the side by the kitchen with yellow flowers. We also have a beautiful tree that's now sprouting these totally gorgeous pink flowers that don't smell but seem so velvety soft. I shared pics on Facebook. Maybe Tammy or Norma can identify them. There are no thorns, which rules out roses, and the leaves aren't right for carnations or peonies.

There's also this strange arrangement of shells and rocks that made me think of a grave marker. The realtor said they never had a dog, but could they have had a cat? Sugar can fit under the oven and he pulled out an old tennis ball the other day.

My period is now 11 days late. If menopause is setting in, fine. Just wish my body could stop feeling so PMS-y if no period is coming.

I also wish my parents would get the hell out of my dreams, whether it's my subconscious conjuring them up or themselves checking in from the other side. I'm beginning to think more and more it is them. Just a feeling. As long as they don't go chasing me off cliffs and stuff like that; but that's part of why I think it's them. Assholes or not, they wouldn't go chasing me off cliffs in real life, so why would they in dreams? The dreams are usually quite trivial.

In last night's dream, I introduced a deaf boy to Dad, who acted like he could hear just fine minutes later, even though we would sign to each other. Then a young woman and I were hanging out with my mother. This time around I wasn't living with her, and I did seem to know Tom. The girl was getting married. I asked if she had kids and she said no. I asked if she was going to have them with her husband, and she rolled her eyes and said, "How old-fashioned. I'm going to work and win things like your mom won that."

She nodded toward some knickknack of sorts, and I said to Mom, "Oh, you won that?"

Mom nodded, and I said I wasn't sweeping anymore due to the economy, though the real reason these days is that there's too much competition.

She said, "The economy isn't bad."

"I fear it's going to get bad again," I said.

"Well, of course it will be bad again," she said.

Since no one seems to be able to help themselves when it comes to "liking" and commenting on my public Facebook posts, and they're not my responsibility to worry about, maybe I'll make it public there too. It's been over a year since the trolls contacted Andy, so we'll see.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 23, 2013 Believe it or not, it's just 39°F out there now, according to what I just checked. It gave me chills just seeing that. That's so damn cold for us!

I wish I had something more exciting to share other than complaining about the cold, but I really don't. I set aside my story once again, and we plan to pick up the paint for both bedrooms over the weekend. Eventually, we're going to replace these big old toilets, too. We have all kinds of upgrading plans, mostly of a cosmetic nature, for the next year or so. Despite having many thousands in savings, it's hard to get myself to spend more than a little at a time because of what happened a couple of years ago. Whereas I used to love to spend money, now I dread it. This newfound fear is only bolstering our savings, so there is some good in it. It's not growing much, though, because we have spent quite a bit since moving in.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 22, 2013 My furballs are having a blast playing in the box filled with packing paper. It's become their official play area when they're out and about. Yesterday was quite amusing. I had my dictation program running while working on my story once again when I felt Sugar tap me on the ankle to remind me of his presence. Then he started messing with the scented plug-ins. A few minutes later, I glanced back at my document and saw: "and then they went out to eat and no, no, no, get away from there. That's not a toy."

I received the incense I ordered, and while it's of good quality, it's not as fragrant as I'd hoped. I think I'll stick to Gonesh; they currently offer the best variety for the price. I should probably quit buying incense altogether once the new carpet and drapes are in, but I'm addicted to incense like some people are addicted to porn.

All the cleaning is done. Today is just laundry and workout day. Despite the cold and windy weather forecast for today and tomorrow, I think I'll go for a walk at sunrise. I just need to decide on my route. Should I circle the block? Head down to the gate? The clubhouse? Tennis courts? Golf courts? Maybe I'll take a walk through the cemetery. The only issue is I can't exit the park on foot like I once thought I could, at least not from the back.

I've decided to return to working on my story again. I'm still not sure if I'll meet the deadline with the required word count, but for now, I'm back in the NaNoNoveling business.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 21, 2013 We've had more rain in the last two days than we have since last spring. It's a welcome change, although I can understand how people accustomed to cold, damp, rainy weather most of the time might find it dreary and tiresome. It's not quite like the warm, summer rain you experience in tropical locales or during the desert's monsoon season.

A disappointing revelation from Tom this morning was that they were still blowing leaves along the perimeter even while it was raining. I had no idea they could do that. I inquired if they could still mow, as Andy mentioned they mow wet lawns there. Tom said it would depend on how wet it was. This news is disheartening. So much for relying on the rain to spare me from the daily landscaping cacophony. I really hope it returns to just a few times a week soon enough. The noise from car doors and traffic can be distracting enough as it is. I'm grateful to be on nights now, whereas before, I always preferred to be on days if possible. At this point, I'd rather stay on nights.

Since Alison stumbled upon my Prosebox account by accident, even though I used a username I've never used before, I'm certain I made the right decision by making my current book accessible only to members. This way, if anyone I don't particularly like discovers it, they won't be able to read beyond July when we moved in here. I'm posting essentially the same content on Blogger and MD, but this allows me to freely express my frustrations about those I despise without giving them the negative attention they crave. I can also voice any suspicions I have about people I'm connected to but not overly close to. If I'm close enough to them, I can simply approach them directly if I want to address any concerns.

So yes, trolls could find my account there, and yes, the owner plans to let Google index public blogs. But for now, the only blog they know about that I'm still using is Blogger.

For instance, this paragraph will only appear on Prosebox, and I want to mention that while Kim may not be as eager to leave anonymous comments on Ask, and she might still be hesitant to reveal herself on Blogger, she must be reading my tweets. Aly received an email alert for her latest of dozens of accounts, so I blocked it. I know she'll just follow me from another account, but why make it easy for the troubled individual? She's already blocked Aly. As if Aly cares? rolls eyes Trolls. Who can understand them? Kim may hide her identity, but I'll know if and when Molly finds me. She enjoys appearing on my tracker, almost as if she relishes thrusting her unwelcome presence in my face. She still checks blogs I no longer even use.

If I've ever had a weakness, it's been the compulsion to air out my grievances. Then again, maybe it's not necessarily a "weakness," but rather just a part of who I am. I prefer to address issues directly whenever possible. So I sent Maliheh a brief email asking, "If I said I was dying of cancer, would you care, or would you still consider me a 'mission' accomplished?"

As expected, I received no response. I encoded this message because I was curious to see if she would pick up on it. She did. She hit my tracker several hours later, but I realized it was because she accessed her messages and mine would be toward the top. Once it's pushed toward the bottom, TIP won't pick her up unless she opens the message.

Why she's reading and saving my emails after breaking up with me is beyond me. All I can think of is that she's hoping I'll say something incriminating. If she were genuinely interested in what I had to say, why wouldn't she follow my blog, too? Unless she's doing it anonymously, she's not following me any more than the individual from AZ. She's simply hoping to gather "evidence" that the spiteful, vindictive person can use against me, much like the individual from CT hoped to. So any future messages I send will have to be worded carefully and sparingly.

Later…

Since Ask and Blogger are public sites, I've decided to let those posts shared on Facebook be public unless someone "likes" or comments on them. If they do, since I just can't seem to get people to stop liking and commenting on my public posts, I'll make them friends only.

As most people who know me are aware, Tom spent six months tirelessly filling out job applications to no avail. When the government callously cut off our unemployment benefits before he found a job, we felt so desperate that we contemplated ending our lives to spare ourselves from a slow, agonizing decline on the streets. We're too old for that kind of hardship, and I, for one, couldn't handle life on the streets even when I was young. I'm simply not cut out for that lifestyle, and yes, I've come to despise a higher power for either directly subjecting us to suffering or permitting it to happen as if we hadn't already endured enough hardship.

At the very last minute, Tom not only landed a job, but it was one he hadn't even applied for. Instead, someone came across his résumé online. Meanwhile, Andy claimed he's the one who secured Tom's job after praying in the final hour to prevent losing another friend to suicide. He believes it was divine intervention that got Tom the job. If his belief is accurate, then who or what was trying to bring harm to us? It certainly seemed like something was determined to lead us toward our demise, though it's difficult to reconcile the idea that the same force that saved us was the one attempting to harm us. Do I believe there was a malevolent force pushing us toward death? Absolutely. Do I also believe something otherworldly intervened due to the timing being an incredible coincidence? Absolutely. I just can't determine what that force was. Prayer has never yielded much for me, but perhaps, just like there are individuals who never experience dream premonitions, there are those who can make prayer work for them. No, I didn't pray for a million dollars, in case you're wondering. I genuinely kept my prayers modest, fair, and reasonable. Maybe it's all about who God favors. Perhaps He saved us because He favors Andy but not because He cares about Tom and me. If that's the case, then I hope Andy remains on His good side because I've felt nothing but disdain and estrangement from Him throughout most of my life. As for me, I'll never forgive Him for at least permitting so many atrocities to befall me.

Speaking of prayer, I had a dream where I was out and about somewhere, and my purse was missing. I prayed that I would find it. I then entered a room and saw it sitting on a table. Excitedly, I rushed toward it, thinking, "I can't wait to tell Andy that God answered one of my prayers, too!" But when I grabbed the purse, I found it completely empty. It sort of dampens the excitement when you've still been deprived of what's most important.

They say that whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but I'm not so sure about that. I believe it's more accurate to say that difficult times may make us wiser, but they can also make us more fragile and anxious. Instead of instilling strength in me, it has left me with memories that I'll have to carry forever. Oh, it's certainly heightened my appreciation for the good times, but it's also contributed to my paranoia in some respects, leading me to spend too much time worrying that the past will come back to haunt me.

So, is Nane ignoring me? I feel comfortable mentioning it here because I'm certain she would never create an account here. Ever since I shared pictures with her showing the weight I've gained and my haircut, which she didn't like, it seems I'm hearing less and less from her. First, she said she was unwell, and then she mentioned covering for a colleague who was on vacation or something along those lines, yet I know she's been active on Facebook.

Although I can't recall the specifics, my parents appeared in several dreams once again. It seems that in most dreams where they're still alive, I don't seem to know Tom, and I'm living with them.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 19, 2013 Although it was written differently, the individual returned to Molly’s blog to express that it’s not Kim or Sarah who's bothering her, but rather someone who secretly wants to date her and is referred to as "one crazy fatty." I hate to admit it because I genuinely like Adonis, but I still have a suspicion it might be him, and that the "crazy fatty" he mentions could be me. After all, he's seen recent pictures of me, so he would know about my weight gain.

Adonis has always struck me as technically adept, so I wondered if he could somehow extract IPs from the comments to identify the troll (unless my paranoia has reached Molly's level). However, I couldn't think of a method. I examined both page sources and information but found nothing useful. I'll ask Tom when he wakes up if he knows of any way to extract IPs from comments left on blogs and various sites. If anyone reading this has any insights, please let me know.

It's still possible that the culprit is Kim, Kathy, or Sarah, but if so, why haven't they mentioned my name? Could it be because it's someone who still considers themselves enough of a friend not to want to go that far?

Pretending to be oblivious to my suspicions, I messaged Adonis, who now claims that Adonis isn’t his real name… yet. Hmm… just how well do I know my friend from the Netherlands?

As for the troll itself, it's still regularly monitoring all my blogs, even the ones I'm not actively using.

My sister’s knee surgery went smoothly, and her recovery is expected to be successful. I anticipated as much and am not surprised, despite the pain she must be experiencing.

I was taken aback (and annoyed) to hear music coming from what seemed to be the house behind ours between 7 PM and 8 PM last night. I could distinguish that it was definitely from a house and not a car because I could hear the beat of the drums, not just the bass. I didn’t think this sort of thing happened here, though.

I've made my current Prosebox book accessible only to members. It's the one place where I voice my suspicions about others, which may or may not be accurate, and where I can discuss people I know—yet care about—without offending or hurting their feelings. Prosebox is the one space where I can be completely honest and upfront with people I've met only through the site or OD. It's not that I'm opposed to being honest and upfront with others, but I prefer to be certain about what I'm revealing. Why confront someone who may not be guilty of what I suspect them of? Right now, it's just a gut feeling. I suspect that someone I considered a friend, who seemed to genuinely like me, might actually harbor negative feelings toward me. Why they wouldn't express these feelings if that's the case is beyond me. Then again, a certain individual in CT didn’t admit to her actions until I caught her red-handed, so who knows why some people are hesitant to express their true thoughts at times. I suppose only they know.

Rain is forecasted for the next few days, but I'll be asleep for most of it anyway.

I received some of my birthday gifts yesterday, and this morning, we might put up the rat and lady wall decals on the doors.

I've begun the arduous task of unsubscribing from the numerous emails sent to the account I use for sweepstakes entries, so I can continue using the account without being inundated with so much junk.

Later…

I had a dream that my parents were still alive and sent a couple of birthday cards. I was reading the notes they included to Tom. He asked something like, “Can I see?” and I handed him one of the cards. The more frequently they appear in my dreams, the more convinced I become that they're not merely figments of my imagination. It’s THEM. At least, a part of me believes it is, although I'm still not entirely convinced and still cling to the hope that they somehow live on.

There are other occurrences, like sensing someone's presence when I'm alone, and so forth. One night when I was a child, I woke up to use the bathroom. Upon returning to bed, my mother followed me and, in one of her rare displays of affection, tucked the covers around me when I got back into bed.

As I was drifting off to sleep this morning, I felt my mother tuck me in. Or did I? I didn't see anything, but it's what I felt and sensed. I was nearly asleep when I could've sworn I felt (her?) adjust the covers by an inch or so. I'm still not entirely convinced that the spirit world exists, but each time something like this happens, I wonder a bit more.

We're finally experiencing some real rain. Unfortunately, it wasn't enough to deter yesterday's leaf blowers. Even though it wasn’t actually raining at the time, I was like, NOOO!!! They can't possibly be out there blowing WET leaves. But sure enough, at 8:50 AM, that's exactly what they were doing.

I managed to apply the pink rat decal to the second bedroom door without any issues. There weren't any air bubbles, and it wasn't too difficult to install at 22x14 inches. The 22x75-inch lady, however, presented a challenge. She looks fantastic, but there are some air bubbles. White was a good color choice, too. Initially, I debated between lilac or light blue but white turned out to be the perfect match for the dark brown door.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 18, 2013 Haven’t heard from Aly in over a week now and am a bit worried. I’m also wondering just how well I know my friends. Like Adonis, for example. Does he really like me and think good of me? Or is he harboring nasty thoughts I don’t know of?

On Molly’s newest blog, someone has been defending her and saying they think it’s just one person picking on her there and that “she” has a lot of time on her hands and does it cuz she hates herself.

The reason I suspect Adonis is cuz of the way he connects words instead of using contractions. He writes donot, shouldnot, havenot, etc. Someone once said she “shouldnot” be online due to her behavior and I immediately suspected Adonis then, and said I had a dream about him pulling a prank on someone as a test. Right away he asked me to delete my mention of the dream.

I decided to say that someone mentioned his name on her blog and asked if he knew anything about it. He said he was in a hurry, would check it out later, but no, it “couldnot” be him.

Do I believe him? No, I’m afraid not. But how does he know it’s me? Yes, it really is me. I admit it. Not in public, of course, but yes, I’ve anonymously said some things Molly didn’t like, like how she makes people give up on her when she wrote that Kim, Kathy and me have given up on her. It’s very true, and well, even though she’ll never change I just felt compelled to speak up and point that out. She was sure to stay away from my MO and LJ blogs yesterday, but she did try to access my Blogger blog from Ask.

Back to Adonis. If it was him and if he does think it’s me, does he really think I hate myself and have too much time on my hands? And if so, why is he my friend then, and why would he suddenly defend this nut who has caused me and others so much grief along with her mother???

Tom says I’m being paranoid and jumping the gun, as it’s a common writing style with some people whose native language isn’t English. They don’t know where to put the contractions, so they combine the words. But who else on MO writes like that that would be nice to her and that would suspect just one person? And how did he find her if it is Adonis? Probably checked my page and linked through from the ‘latest visitors’ section.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 17, 2013 I hit a wall at over 26,000 words. I simply can’t conjure up any fresh and captivating twists for my story. I've come to the realization that I'm essentially regurgitating the same tired variations of the same tired themes. My well of imagination seems to have run dry. Ah, the joys of getting older! While we may gain wisdom and maturity (usually), we also seem to lose our visionary spark, our vitality, our metabolic edge, and eventually, our knack for innovation. My creative juices have all but dried up. Nothing feels novel or exhilarating anymore. Take Hawaii, for example. Sure, it's thrilling, but not nearly as exhilarating as it would've been in my early twenties, back when I was living on the East Coast and hadn't ventured beyond visiting my sister in Texas a couple of times. It appears that blogging is the only form of writing that truly resonates with me these days. I relish the opportunity to share life's highs and vent about its lows.

Tomorrow, Tammy undergoes knee surgery, followed by a lengthy journey of physical therapy and recuperation. She requested my prayers, prompting me to muster the courage to confess my agnosticism to her. I couldn't bear to deceive her by pretending to pray when I don't. My belief lies in the notion that events unfold as they are destined to, and if prayer could simply grant our wishes, we'd all lead charmed lives (or, at the very least, be spared from life's hardships). The notion that "God never gives us more than we can handle" rings hollow to me; if that were true, we'd all be immortal. Moreover, any deity capable of allowing such suffering, both for Tammy and for myself, isn't one I feel inclined to trust. For me, prayer feels like talking to a brick wall. Having "a friend in God" is akin to befriending the Tooth Fairy, Santa Claus, or some other mythical entity. However, this doesn't diminish my respect for others' beliefs. We each harbor our own convictions, and that's perfectly acceptable. As for me, well, perhaps there is something out there, but it's not always as benevolent as we'd like to believe. In other words, whatever force governs our existence seems to harbor a vendetta against some of us. Considering how wretched my life was for so long, I still can't fathom the streak of good fortune I've been riding lately, and I fear it's only a matter of time before the tides turn.

Nevertheless, I'll keep Tammy in my thoughts and hope for the best. I can't begin to imagine enduring such tribulations, and I certainly don't envy her. Not only will she be confined to immobility for a while, but she may also require ventilator assistance post-surgery until she can breathe independently. And, of course, she must pray to whatever higher power she believes in to steer clear of any infections that could further complicate matters.

I was disheartened to learn of Marie's impending move. I'm eagerly awaiting her response. It seems she's parted ways with her wife, a development I feared was on the horizon. She, too, will occupy my thoughts, and I sincerely hope she finds contentment, whatever form it may take. She holds a special place in my heart, and despite the moments of exasperation she's caused me in the past, she deserves happiness.

FedEx was slated to deliver the first of my birthday treats—the tigress and cub figurine, along with Tom's CoQ10 pills—but failed to do so. The tracking status claimed it was out for delivery until 8 PM, but I suspect they're running behind schedule with the holidays looming. Alternatively, perhaps we were relegated to the bottom of their delivery list, and they lacked the access code to enter our gated community once the gates were secured at 7 PM. This marks the first time I've begrudged these gates, though they do serve their purpose of deterring unauthorized vehicular traffic, particularly those with blaring car stereos.

I spent most of the day in slumber, but Tom assured me it was a tranquil day with no sign of children frolicking in the streets. I wonder if the scene would have been different had I been awake. The sight of those girls cycling alongside their grandmother would have hinted at their residency here, so I'm relieved Tom didn't spot them. After all, there's little point in residing in an age-restricted community if children are permitted to take up residence.

We did catch a brief yelp from a dog being walked by as I stirred from my slumber, but barking remains a rarity in our neighborhood. However, just beyond the park, it's an entirely different story, with plenty of boisterous canines making their presence known. I suspect this is why the house across the street fell through and is back on the market. No one wants to settle in a locale inundated with incessant barking. Late at night, if you stand by any window facing westward, you can faintly discern the distant clamor of barking. I shudder to think how cacophonous it must be for the homes lining Oak Lane. There may be other issues plaguing the property as well; I recall spotting an exterminator at the premises recently.

Aside from an open house and a delivery truck making a stop halfway down the block, Tom reported a tranquil Sunday.

Rain is forecasted for Tuesday through Thursday, though one can never be certain. It promises to be a welcome change, though it's unfortunate that I'll be slumbering during daylight hours, unable to savor the tranquility or revel in the knowledge that inclement weather will keep the landscapers at bay. Then again, precipitation in these parts often arrives in the dead of night.

Glancing at an advertisement "Christ-centered" yoga? Seriously? My goodness, soon there'll be "Christ-centered" everything. Well, to each their own, I suppose.

I broached the subject of prayer with Tom, and he offered this perspective: "I suppose so, though I believe prayer should be directed towards what you need, not necessarily what you want."

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 16, 2013 Got up in the early afternoon and am having a fun day so far. We decided to get the paint early next weekend when we actually planned to start painting the bedroom anyway, so we didn’t have to stand in line on a Saturday afternoon while they mixed the color.

Instead, we went to Walgreens and got some fun stuff. I finally decided to try a nail hardener you put under polish that’s supposed to prevent chips and cracks. I also got Sally Hansen’s new “fuzzy” polish in black and white.

Got some crappy incense and Sweet Petal body mist in the stocking stuffer section.

The nicest thing I got was a pink towel set that came with a bath puff, a hair wrap, and a towel I’ve wanted since I first saw Crazy Ellie with one at the Vista Ventana apartments in Phoenix in 1992. I just never thought to look for one till I saw this set. It’s one of those towels with Velcro that you can wrap around you. I thought it’d be great for at the pool. I’m not going to take it to Hawaii, though.

Tom and I walked down and fed the ducks when we got back, and now we’re just kicking back and doing our own thing. Gotta get on with my book soon.

But first – I still don’t get how Molly’s able to view a blog I’ve blocked her from. She’s not showing up on TIP today, but GA sees her every day. Today GA is back to showing her visit duration as being 0 seconds. I guess it knows when people at least try to access my blog? Or maybe it’s not even her. There are other people in Austin, after all, and it could be a bot, too.

TIP isn’t working right on Prosebox so I’m not coding entries there.

Later…

Why has Linda Ronstadt, a fabulous singer I once so adored and idolized, become such a delusional idiot? Ok, so being part Mexican makes you want to stick up for your own, but when it causes you to lose touch with reality and see things that aren’t there, including discrimination that doesn’t exist, then you’ve got a problem.

If Linda sees having a border between the US and Mexico as “racism,” then what about us beefing up airport security after 9/11? Is that racism, too? Really, it was such a stupid, stupid thing for her to say in the interview I read, and I’m really surprised that this person I idolized for so long can be so blind and so ignorant. Perhaps I shouldn’t be because an opinion is just an opinion, but I find her words almost offensive because in a sense she’s basically labeling whites racists who pick on people simply for their color and not their behavior. How is it “racist” to deport illegals and to want to protect ourselves from harm like drug cartels? Our old rural town of Maricopa became an extremely dangerous place to live, and yes, it’s all the Mexicans’ fault. I make no apologies for stating this fact either. They turned the place into a virtual killing ground. Yanking a passing cop out of its cruiser and killing it is a regular occurrence there, not that most of them aren’t just as corrupt. They’re brazen, deadly, and totally out of control. Yet we’re “racist” by trying to clean up their act for them and send them home?

She bitches that we have fences and walls set up at our southern border but not our northern border. First of all, there are some fences and walls up north, and secondly, if the Canadians were known to smuggle in the kind of trouble that the Mexicans are known to bring in, then security would be beefed up there, too. I’m sorry, but people often get treated based on the way they behave. How many Canadians are as quick to smuggle in guns and drugs and to jump on welfare as opposed to Mexicans? Sure, there are some legal, hard-working Mexicans out there, but like it or not there’s no ignoring the statistics.

Tom says more Mexicans come here than Canadians, and that’s why they get more attention. He argues that if just as many Canadians came in, there’d be just as much crime, but I disagree. Some breeds of dogs are more prone to trouble, and so are some groups of people. We may wish it wasn’t so, but it is, and ignorance and denial won’t change the facts. That’s just the difference between the two cultures. How come the Mexicans build tunnels while the Canadians don’t? Well, it’s not because they want to enjoy the scenery here!

I do agree it was wrong for Seattle to jail an illegal for a few months before deporting the woman and forcing her to lose her kids. The whole family should’ve been deported right away. But it’s hard to feel sorry for those who know damn well that these things can happen to you if you cross the border illegally. Just like it’s hard to feel sorry for those who choose to live where they know typhoons are an issue. I’m sorry that some people lost their homes, but when you live in the path of destruction, what do you expect?

Despite how obvious the problem is with reverse discrimination, it’s like people are literally terrified to address the issue, and I don’t understand why. When people have negative things to say against non-whites, both whites and non-whites are quick to attack the person. But whenever someone dares try to point out that most of the “racism” out there today just isn’t real unless you’re gay, no one wants to hear it. Not saying that there’s no discrimination at all against blacks and Mexicans. Sure there is. But the vast majority is often completely made up, exaggerated, or seriously misconstrued. People are so quick to read things in that aren’t there and mistake the most innocent of statements as hate for non-whites. Not liking a black person’s shirt doesn’t mean we don’t like them. Yet people continue to make these false connections and assumptions. I can’t help but wonder how much longer we’re going to ignore the problem. How many more whites have to suffer unjustly? Until the non-whites feel they are finally “even” with us for what those of 50-100 years ago did?

On Facebook and other sites, I often see tales of hardships pertaining to blacks and other non-whites. All kinds of people of all colors are quick to respond with sympathy. But when the tables are turned, their posts are usually met with silence. Just utter silence. Yes, I truly believe America has been scared silent. Its whites are too afraid to fight for the equality they deserve just as any other group does, and I have to ask myself… why? Blacks weren’t afraid to fight for their rights, and in the end, they got more than everybody else. They’re exempt from being charged with hate crimes, and they can have all the Black History Months they want without being called racist. Well, go out there and try to have a White History Month and see how far you get.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 15, 2013 Not gonna have much of a blog entry this time around because there really isn’t much to update on. I got the makeup kit I won and read its instructions to Tom in Spanish, Italian, and German. I don’t yet feel comfortable reading French aloud.

Tom is continuing to have the weekends off, and I polished my nails lime green with a glitter topcoat. I really wish I wasn’t so damn blind so that applying makeup would be as easy as applying nail polish. I can’t wear glasses while doing my eyes, unlike my nails. I have a magnifier, but it’s still blurry. I never expected to have vision this bad this young. I thought I was another 10-15 years away from vision this poor.

Things are otherwise going well. We’ll be picking up the paint for the second bedroom at some point this weekend.

Well, there is one mystery to my day, actually, and that’s how the hell Molly managed to view my blog for nearly a minute and a half. The first attempt she made, she was bounced back out in seconds, as it should be. But how was she in for over a minute the second time around? I contacted the IP-blocking people. Maybe they can tell me. Harmless or not, there’s still something that makes me very uncomfortable about this cyber peeping Tom and her prying eyes always following what I’m up to.

She’s been online more and more and is checking all my blogs, including the ones I’m not using, religiously. It’s only a matter of time before the unwanted contact starts back up again. They just don’t get that no amount of time being restricted from the Internet is going to change her. As soon as she can get back online, be it after 10 minutes or 10 years, she’s back to stalking those of the past. She really, truly never will change. I always knew this. Anyone who’s gotta keep tabs on someone who dumped them years ago and who made it clear they want nothing to do with them can’t possibly be right in the head now or ever.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 14, 2013 Added some incense and a cute little figure of a tiger carrying its cub to my farm animal collection, even though tigers aren’t exactly “farm” animals. But it can still live with my cow, horse, dog, and cat.

In last night’s dream, Andy created a site dedicated to Fleetwood Mac fans. He asked me to go check it out and make sure there were no spelling errors and that all the buttons functioned properly, so I did. Upon entering the site, random Fleetwood Mac music began playing. First was a song by one of the guys, though I’m not sure what it was. Then Christine McVie comes on singing a song I’d never heard of. The only words I remember were, “Lord, give me success.”

This afternoon’s walk was beautiful. It wasn’t too cold or too hot and was partly cloudy, so I didn’t have the sun glaring in my eyes. I passed Bob on his bike along the way.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 13, 2013 Yesterday, I ended up with two surprise wins: the makeup kit and a dual Glade fragrance warmer that came with two different scented oils.

Today, I couldn’t get online as soon as I got up and went to check for messages. Then it ran snail-slow, and I wondered, until Tom got home and reset the router, why the past always returns to haunt us. I guess, however, this has to be done with everyone’s router every few months or so.

I know I’ve said this before, but I really wish people would stop “liking” and commenting on my Facebook cover photos because they’re not private. I choose to keep my friend list private, but when people “like” or leave comments on them, that exposes them to the public. If they want to have their own accounts public, that’s fine. But I’ve chosen to keep Facebook the one place where I’m much more private as opposed to other sites, and that includes keeping my friends a mystery to outsiders.

It turns out that Bob wasn’t sawing in his garage for the fun of it, but someone else was because something was wrong. At least that was the impression I got when I saw a guy dressed in white like a technician step out of the garage, pull a mask off his face, then leave in a pickup. So whatever was going on wasn’t some project or hobby, but probably termites or something like that.

Tom told me to be thinking of what I want for my birthday, even though it’s not till the 4th. I thought of various things – a new dresser, a new palm tree for the living room that’s between 6-8 feet tall, and things like that. Then I decided I’d rather not get anything that’d be just one more thing to have to move once we recarpet in the spring. So I browsed through Amazon for unique things that are fun and decided on this rat sticker for the bedroom door. Then I decided on a sexy lady silhouette in white for the front door. And lastly, some sexy anime miniature figurines with a bondage theme, something new that would definitely – uhem – add major variety to what’s left of my doll collection. Gotta laugh trying to picture my mom’s reaction if I was still a kid and someone got them for me for my birthday or Chanukah, LOL.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 12, 2013 I must say I admire this woman on Prosebox who admitted that she not only doesn’t work due to a husband who makes a lot of money but isn’t going to apologize for it either.

Neither am I. I’m not rich by any means, but my husband makes a lot of money and I too wouldn’t need to work if I were able to. Not outside of the house, I mean. Here I work taking care of a large house and two spunky pet rats. Then there’s the laundry, and well, sometimes I even cook. :)

But the point is that just like she was making in her own post, I’m not going to feel sorry or guilty for it any more than I will for any people/subjects that I may bash in my entries. My civil rights were violated once, and believe me when I say it will only be once. My naïveté was taken advantage of back then, but that was then and this is now. I not only have just as much right to hate as I do to love, and to express myself just like any other person out there, but to live the life I see fit to live for me and not what society thinks is best suitable or in the “norm.”

I realize attitudes depend on what’s trending at the time. If it were the 50s I’d be criticized for not having kids instead of being a housewife. These days, though, society has decided I’ve done right by passing up kids, but guess what? I don’t care what society thinks. I do what I think is best for my husband and me, and like anyone else, I try to avoid what I don’t want or like in life. Now I’m not without empathy for the poor. I lived in poverty myself in the past and I’m not about to assume I never will again. If anyone’s learned that the past sometimes creeps up on us and returns to haunt us when we least expect it, it’s me. So I’ll never say never; just that I hope we’re never poor again. We’re doing all we can on our part to help see to it that we won’t be.

I can’t help what people are going to think or how they’re going to react when they read my journal, nor am I going to be responsible for their feelings. If you feel the need to flip out or take offense over what someone else wrote in their journal, then why did you bother to read it???

I also don’t get the automatic assumptions some people make when reading some comments on some Prosebox entries that I’ve read. I don’t know where some people get certain things from this, this, and that, and draw the conclusions that they sometimes draw, yet it seems many people read things into what a person is saying and see things that aren’t even there. Like assuming a woman who’s pissed off is PMSing. Well, admitting we’re depressed doesn’t automatically mean we crave attention. Being angry doesn’t mean we’re losing control. Complaining about one who’s done well doesn’t mean we’re jealous. Admitting we have regrets doesn’t mean we feel guilt. Saying we’re lonely doesn’t make us losers. Pointing out something negative can merely be an observation and doesn’t mean we’re “complainers.” Hating someone doesn’t mean we hate ourselves. Wanting something doesn’t mean we have nothing. Bashing something doesn’t mean we don’t appreciate the good. Praising something doesn’t mean we’re showing off. Admitting we don’t have as much as someone else may doesn’t mean we’re trying to make them feel guilty for what they’ve got.

Yet people seem to think some things go hand in hand together - and sure, sometimes they might - but I don’t think there are any set rules.

Later…

Time for a family and neighborhood report. Tammy's artery isn’t clogged, but they did remove some polyps from Mark and are hoping they’re not cancerous. Tammy will be in the hospital undergoing knee surgery from Monday to Thursday of next week. She will then have therapists at the house for 5 weeks following the surgery to help rehabilitate her.

I woke up to landscaping and sawing sounds. Yeah, old Bob next door was running a circular saw, from the sound of it in his garage. The SUV was parked on the street, and I could see some things he pulled out of the garage and set in the driveway. So much for the bike pump being “all” I’ll hear. I just hope to hell this isn’t a regular occurrence now that we’ve been here for 4 months, as it seems to be the time when good neighbors either move or go bad on us, whether they’ve moved in next to us or we’ve moved in next to them. Once in a while is fine, but more than once in a while would get old. Remember, their garage is just a few feet from the wall of our house. Technically, though, he has the right to do this during normal daytime hours whether I like it or not, just like I have the right to express how much reverse discrimination pisses me off even though no one wants to hear it.

Anyway, I expected it to be noisier at this time of year. Most warm climates are livelier once the winter approaches and it stays that way until the spring.

Even though they’ve been a problem too, since we’re just cursed with neighbors no matter what, I really miss having only female neighbors. They just don’t have the annoying toys males have, you know? Still, to date, they’re our quietest neighbors yet and I hope that doesn’t change.

Although I still prefer houses to condos or apartments any day, I realize that there really isn’t that much of a difference in general. What interior sounds you don’t hear are made up for in exterior sounds. Car doors make up for apartment doors, saws make up for TVs, people chatting outside make up for cabinets closing, and yard work makes up for footsteps. So unless one is out by themselves in the middle of nowhere, one always hears something no matter what they live in.

I won a $79 makeup kit, but it’s not enough to entice me back to sweeping full-time. Not without a win worth $500 or more. The timing was nice, though, as my mascara has dried up. Putting on makeup has become extremely hard for me because I’m so damn blind, so I don’t wear it much anymore anyway. Besides, I’m so damn ugly these days that not even makeup can make much of a difference.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 11, 2013 No one on Facebook had anything to say about the article that was shared with me on 10 black youths in Brooklyn, NY who beat an innocent white couple at an intersection, calling them every white racial slur in the book in front of witnesses and the cops, yet will NOT be charged with a hate crime. Why is it that I have a feeling that if it were the other way around, people would be quick to leave sympathetic comments for the blacks and ones of condemnation for the whites? Do blacks not deserve to be held accountable for their crimes, too? I don’t understand why so many people favor, defend, and protect blacks any more than I get why they’d choose Windows computers over Macs, thus putting themselves at greater risk of trouble. We’re quick to hate the monsters that reside on the other side of the planet, but not our own homegrown enemies. WTF?

We didn’t do much yesterday other than change the rats’ cage and take a walk down to feed the ducks. Tom did a little leaf-blowing/vacuuming, too.

I have the soothing sound of a waterfall playing on the sound machine that sits on this desk because the daily buzz, buzz, buzz of the landscapers will be on any second. I’m surprised they haven’t started yet. As I’m learning, it’s an everyday thing around here at this time of year that you hear on and off all day. The waterfalls, oceans, brooks, and other forms of white noise don’t always drown it all out, but it does most of it.

What I didn’t expect to hear yesterday was the screaming of a kid here in a retirement community of all places. When I looked out the window, I saw a little girl on a bike with training wheels riding and screaming up and down the street with granny. This is the kind of shit we came here to escape. Tom doesn’t mind screaming kids, but to me, they’re so damn annoying and distracting. If they could play like civilized humans and not scream like animals, I wouldn’t give a damn, but hey, it’s better than bouncing basketballs just a few feet from our window that would go on for hours in Phoenix, so close and so loud they might as well have bounced the fucking thing off the walls of our place. Really hope, though, that kids screaming in the streets here don’t become a regular thing. Even more so I hope none move in here. This isn’t jail. They don’t come and inspect the people’s homes. So what’s to keep people from breaking the rules if they want to?

Anyway, I have a busy day ahead of me, buzzing landscapers or not, writing my book, cleaning, working out, studying languages, and more. Maybe when I get a chance to check in on social sites I won’t have to hear all about blacks, God, and Christianity. Guess ignorance really is bliss at times.

Molly started a new blog on MO, and it’s full of the same old shit – how can she live without a boyfriend, her mother controls her spending, she hates Marbridge, she’s lost weight, she’s going to the movies, walking, having her nails and toes pampered, and pissed that Alan dumped her for calling and texting him so damn much.

Thirty years old and she still doesn’t realize she doesn’t love, she SUFFOCATES. She obsesses, devours, and chokes! It’s a sad and scary indicator that nothing’s changed with her but her lack of free time, though she does seem to have more time to play online lately. She’s not peeking in on me as much, but she still does here and there.

Found Kathy on Twitter, and it was all I could do to keep from flinging one insult after another at her, but I didn’t want Alison to see it, so I didn’t. “I hope I can stay troll-free here,” she said. And why should she be so privileged? She doesn’t let others remain troll-free when she can come at them anonymously like the coward that she is.

Still a spoiled little princess, too. Getting baby showers and all kinds of things given to her and done for her that Tom and I would never have gotten had God answered my baby prayers like He did hers. Oh well. No use sweating human crap like her and Molly. At least Kim isn’t stalking me as closely as I thought she was. Still, even though I’m glad as hell we never had kids in the end, it bothers me to not only have the choice made for me but that God can favor some people over others just like it bothers me when some parents favor one kid over another or the law favors one color over another.

Later…

Got my first negative comment on my new MD account and wonder if it’s someone either connected to the trolls or maybe someone like Noone. Although the email address looked legit, I couldn’t verify it or trace it to any other account.

Molly’s still whining in her blog and starting to get comments that I’m suspecting could be from herself if they’re not from Kim. I don’t think they’re from Kim, though, because nothing came in on Ask for over a day when I last allowed for anonymous questions, and because nothing’s been left on my MO blog, although she won’t contact me on trackable sites. Whoever it was asked why I still stalk her and Molly’s supposed answer was “I don’t know.” Why would anyone think I stalk her? That question made me think Kim might’ve asked, trying to throw suspicion off her own self. If I had to guess, though, I’d say it’s just Molly asking her own crazy self these questions. But if that’s so, why does she think I’m stalking her and not Kim, Kathy, or someone else?

Finally got a doctor’s appointment made, but it’s not until January.

I feel very sorry for those affected by the typhoon in the Philippines as well as others who are less fortunate than I am. However, I don’t think it should be up to those who are doing well, especially us Americans, to help pick up the pieces for them. Enough of our money has been carted off to other countries as it is. We need our own money. There are enough people right here in the US that are in need. As a country, we should be taking care of our own first and foremost. I know that’s not how it always works since the government left us for dead a couple of years ago while sending millions overseas in an attempt to kiss ass for whatever, but that’s the way it should be nonetheless.

Broke up my walk today and in two different directions. I headed right when I went around the block the first time, then left the second time around. A pickup came and parked on the street in front of one of the houses Tom looked at when we were house hunting, and a young woman with two little girls hopped out. One was yesterday’s bike screamer and I saw the little pink bike in the carport. In fact, I’ve actually seen it before yesterday.

They had in-state plates, so I’d say that given the presence of the bike and how often I’ve been seeing them, they do live here. I could’ve sworn I heard screaming last weekend or the weekend before but wrote it off to the kids in the mainstream being unusually loud. Mom probably can’t afford to fend for all 3 of them as seems to be the case for most moms today. The fathers give a damn about as much as a cockroach does. But… they’re not next to us, so I don’t care so long as they don’t make a regular habit of hitting the streets. I don’t think they will. At least not unsupervised and for long periods of time. They had to be only about 2 and 4 years old. I just hope their stay is only temporary and that more people don’t go breaking rules like this if it’s not.

I’m just so glad we don’t live across the street! When I was by the houses that border the outskirts, I heard a couple of big loud dogs. How terrible it must be at night when sounds carry easier, cuz you know how the people are here – if they don’t have to have indoor pets, they won’t.

Anyway, as I was coming up the street I saw next door pull in and thought to myself, let me guess. You’re going to park in the carport instead of the garage like you usually did in the past, and you're going to slam doors, right? Well, they did park in the carport, but they didn’t give me the 4-5 slams at a time I’ve been getting till about 4 hours later. Also, they went somewhere after slamming doors. When they return they’ll probably hit the garage for the night.

They’re still the quietest neighbors we’ve ever had. Even so, Andy says his ATTACHED neighbors are not only very quiet still but often take off for days at a time. Now why can’t ours do that? They went on vacation but they had someone living there while they were gone. They were quiet too, but still, it’d be nice if they took off for a few days here and a few days there. Or at least were still working. However, if I could rarely have working neighbors in the mainstream, why would I have them in a retirement community?

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 10, 2013 Got my hair cut yesterday, and I absolutely love it! The girl did a great job, though it wasn’t Diana. It was a girl named Theresa instead. She got it amazingly straight too, with just a slight flip on the ends. Today it’s curly, but still looks good. I was going to just go for a wash and cut, but she recommended a blow dry too, since this kind of cut needs to be dry to see exactly what it’s going to look like and if it needs any fine-tuning. It’s called triangular layers. She left the sides as they were but layered the back. It’s just brushing my shoulders now. The layering of the back is to keep it from poofing out in a funny way on the bottom like it did the last time Tom and I cut it to the shoulders and had it all one length.

She recommended I have the relaxer done sometime and insists it really does work. Even on hair that’s coarser and curlier than mine. For about $80, I could have a wash, cut, and relaxer. Maybe this summer I’ll consider it. Sarah says it’s a good deal.

For now, I love having short hair, as it is so much easier to live with. It’s easier to wash and quicker to dry. It doesn’t clog drains or vacuum brushes as much, nor does it get in the way when I’m working out.

I even dared to post a few pics of my fabulous hair on Facebook despite how horrible the rest of me looks. I realize, though, like never before that nothing – nothing – will ever get the weight off. Diets work, but simply aren’t sustainable. The 1000-calorie thing day after day, week after week, month after month, just isn’t doable. And so now I am ready to let the world see how fat I’ve become. Should I really give a shit anyway? I’m nothing new or unique. Most people my age are heavy, and I personally find it has its advantages that being petite and “hot” didn’t have.

I’m glad the girl talked me out of cutting my bangs. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do with that and asked her for her opinion. She said that since I feel I have wide jaws, covering my forehead would only accentuate the largest, roundest part of my face. Keeping them long gives off the illusion that my face is more oval-shaped. It’s also good that I kept them because those would have to be trimmed more often than the rest of it. We only get half an inch of hair growth per month, so I can go 3-4 months between salon visits. Bangs need trimming every 6 weeks or so, and I’d be tempted to do them myself, and I wouldn’t always do a great job.

We popped some strips off the wallboards in the second bedroom and spackled the grooves. It shrunk a bit overnight, but because we plan to add texture to the paint, it shouldn’t be noticeable once the walls are done.

Tom has 4 days off during the Thanksgiving holiday, during which we’ll finish the spackling and then do the painting. After that room’s done, we’ll know if it’s worth popping the strips and all that.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 9, 2013 Got a busy day ahead of me with a haircut scheduled for 11:00, walls to start prepping for painting, a book to write, and more.

Tom used the treadmill, which is in the living room, as I was going to bed a couple of nights ago, and I never felt or heard a thing in there with the sound machine running. In the trailer, I’d have felt every step he took vibrating throughout the place no matter what I had going for sound machines.

Where Tuesday was insanely noisy for a retirement community, Wednesday and Thursday were okay, and yesterday got a little annoying with landscaping and vehicles. Next door’s getting more door-slammy with their SUV. Gee, we must be coming up on that fourth month. Still, they never could or would get as noisy as other neighbors we’ve had, and if they did, they would be tossed out of here in time. They’ve been parking in the carport more lately as opposed to the garage. Then I hear a few scattered door slams but never see them go anywhere.

I ran into Bob on my walk yesterday. He’s gotta be closer to 70. He said the trip was good, and I told him we’re going to Hawaii in January. He said that’s a good time to go. By the next time I circled the block, he was running what I’m guessing is the pump to blow up his bike tires. He ran this for about 15 minutes. Although I still worry he’s going to start using the garage more often for loud projects, a saw or a drill wouldn’t have been as steady of a sound as I heard, and they did say that’d be all I’d hear. So no real worries there. Hey, I knew the bastard above was going to make sure I didn’t get working neighbors, not that there are many still working here anyway.

It takes me 5 minutes to briskly walk around the circle. I only did 4 rounds yesterday, but at least it wasn’t as boring as I thought it’d be going around the same block over and over again. It’s a good way to get exercise in the fresh air yet still remain close to home.

Just when I was wondering if Molly would ever check my MO blog, she not only did that, but she created another account there as well. She’s only made one entry about how well she did at bowling. Next comes the weight, and then the people she hates at Marbridge, I suppose. Her spending 20 minutes in my LJ blog, which hasn’t been public in a while, then seeking me out on MO tells me nothing’s changed with her just like I always suspected. As soon as she’s back home where she doesn’t have as much structure, rules, routine, and supervision, she’ll be back to haunt me regularly. This is part of why I keep private any blogs she does know about and block her from those she does know about. I’m back to being unable to log into MO, so I’m done there since they’re just shutting down in a few months anyway.

Some people think it’s uncool to say negative things about a person in their journal/diary, but that’s what they’re for. A journal is a place to write about our experiences and the people involved in them, and I see no need to hold back where Molly’s concerned. I’m not doing anything wrong, providing sensitive info, or making any threats. She supposedly tries to read my blogs to “make sure I’m not talking about her.” Oh, I’m talking, alright, when she gives me a reason to, but she won’t be reading. Not unless she finds my second MD blog, and if she did I wouldn’t know about it because that block is untrackable. I’ve kept my Prosebox account mostly secret because that’s my place to write more freely about those I actually do care about but whose feelings I wouldn’t want to hurt, say if I said their hair looked funny or their spelling was atrocious or something.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 8, 2013 It took me about 17 minutes to make it down to the front entrance on yesterday’s walk, and about 20 to make it back home at a very brisk pace. Having used a treadmill in the past, I can say I was probably walking a little over 3 MPH. I wasn’t out of breath when I returned, but I was tired. Is that normal for someone my age? My hips and legs were also stiff, but I feel fine today. What I like about walking outdoors vs. indoors is that I can’t just give up any time. Down at the entrance, I can’t say, “Ok, I’m done. I’ve had enough,” because I gotta get back home. I like walking out there even though it’s not doing me any good. Meaning that it’s not helping my weight at all. It helps with other things, though, so it’s not a completely wasted effort. I’d go to a doctor and hopefully find out what’s keeping the weight on, only it seems that all the doctors in NorCal either aren’t seeing new patients or they’ve got bad reviews. Maybe it’s just not meant to be. After all, it’s been since the 90s since I’ve had a regular check-up and I’ve survived this long. Other than dentists, ears, and sleep docs, I haven’t been to anyone for anything.

Anyway, I’m not sure if I’ll go out today or wait and go out tomorrow with Tom. I’ll probably take a different route either way.

Norma asked if they get to see a pic of my haircut when it’s done, but IDK. Do I really want to shock and disgust people with how huge I’ve become? I know I shouldn’t care. After all, getting this big wasn’t part of the plan and there’s nothing I can do about it. That’s why it REALLY bothers me when heavy people are portrayed as pigs in books and movies. Yes, some people eat themselves heavily, but not all of us sit on our asses lazy as hell and stuffing ourselves every chance we get.

There’s one thing I can say for sure, though. Praying, dieting, and exercising may not get the weight off, but having a high-protein diet definitely helps curb hunger more than when I have starchy foods that are low in protein like bread, potatoes, pasta, and rice. I just wish there were more low-carb foods than meat and eggs!

Last night I had a dream I was back at the dentist I had in Glendale, AZ before we left Phoenix. I was very attracted to the assistant that worked there named Melanie. She was a tall, dark-eyed brunette. Today she would be in her early 40s and if she’s like most people over 40, she’s no longer skinny. In the dream, she was still young and hot, only she was blond.

What I’m almost positive about was Molly asking me the same old shit she usually asks me – how’s my husband, am I happy, do I worry about the future – all classic Molly questions. If it was her, though, then why didn’t she visit any of my blogs or at least try to, and why has she stopped tweeting?

I asked her to stop so I could flush out Kim (who might not be stalking me as much as I once thought), but she’ll probably deny it’s her even if it is.

THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 2013 LOL, talk about a dream turning into a nightmare. Nane came over to "watch" me while Tom was on a business trip. She said my hair looked sexy (in real life it's getting cut off this weekend). She handed me pink daisies and said I lost a lot of weight (in real life I still have enough rolls to build a mini roller-coaster for miniature people). So I throw my arms around her neck and say, "It's so nice to finally meet you!" We begin to kiss and who should ruin it all but my dead mother, who then storms into the room to say we "gotta hit the road" and to hurry up and get ready and that she doesn't want to have to tell me again. :(

Definitely gotta step up to a stronger prescription for my glasses over the next few months. When I first got my bifocals, things were crystal clear off in the distance. Not anymore. They seem to be noticeably worse every 6 months or so. How am I going to see even with glasses in another 20 years???

The older I get, the less sure I become about certain things. I was so sure there was a God, then I was sure there wasn’t, then I felt certain that while a God probably created the universe and the people in it since many things of such intricate design hardly seem happenstance, and then He abandoned us, which would explain why so much shit goes on in the world. Now I don’t know what to think.

Same with the afterlife. I was sure it existed and what it was all about. Now I’m not sure about anything.

There is an endless supply of possibilities and without actually meeting any God face to face or dying and then discovering an afterlife, if there is one, I can’t say for sure what’s what. I don’t think any of us can. Seeing definitely helps us to believe. If I weren’t psychic, then I would probably have a hard time believing in such a thing. Perhaps my lack of ghostly experiences is why I’m unsure as to whether or not I believe in ghosts, though I guess that if psychics can exist, so can they.

Gotta get on with today’s chapter and then the cleaning and all that. Want to wait till the sun’s up before I go out for my walk. I’d like an extra 10° too.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 6, 2013 It’s oddly quiet out there today. Where I expected the usual slew of blowers, mowers, traffic, and car door slams, it’s been a fairly quiet day so far. It’s not even noon yet, though, so things are subject to change.

I didn’t wake up as sore as I thought I would from yesterday’s workout, but I skipped today and just did my housecleaning and my usual online activities. Tomorrow I’ll get back out there. I just have to remember to head back before I start getting too tired. I thought of circling the block so that if anything goes wrong, I’m always close to home, but that’d be boring going round and round the same block. Most of the other streets are straight lines with dead-ends branching off of them.

A day off here and there won’t kill me anyway, since more isn’t better and the scale is going to eventually climb because I’m no longer severely restricting calories. I’d like to have one of those bodies that is made thinner by exercise, but that’s just not me. Not at this age. I still love how working out makes me fit and gives me energy, so just because I stopped dieting doesn’t mean I’m going to quit working out any more than it means that I’m going to start stuffing myself either. I eat when I’m hungry and that’s that.

I’m now up to 10,053 words with my book. Thinking about how I have nearly 40,000 to go makes me want to beat my head against the wall, so I try not to.

I appreciate Aly’s wonderful editing job on my book. She’s been providing feedback and catching those little mistakes we tend to make when we crank out so much so fast.

I’m so glad that I no longer share any mutual friends with those I am no longer friends with. It’s nice not “accidentally” having to hear what past friends, that I’d like to remain in the past, are up to. I simply don’t care what’s going on in their lives. I want them to remain forever a mystery to me. I’m sure there are others out there who can relate to the appreciation of these severed ties.

Gonna make an appointment to get my hair cut this weekend as long as nothing else comes up. I don’t mind going to that same girl in Walmart. She did what I told her to do, after all. It’s just that I’m sick of long hair. It’s a pain maintaining it when it’s so thick and curly. Even if it wasn’t, I’m just sick of it. It’s always in the way. I want it to my shoulders and I’ll probably cut my bangs back, too. I’m sick of it being in my face unless I secure it back, and all I want is just enough to gather into a little stub of a ponytail for when I’m working out.

I called Tammy, and we talked before the cell quit on me. She’s not doing well at all. She wanted to discuss her usual subjects - her health and how much she hates Lisa. They’re holding off the lung transplant for now, but her knee surgery will be called off if her newest medical curse pans out to anything serious. The doctor said there was blood in her carotid artery. I was confused at first, and well, apparently you’re not supposed to hear it. So now she has to deal with that and see how serious the blockage is. She’s also at risk of incurable infections since her immune system is shot and she’s become immune to antibiotics. There’s also the stress of Mark’s heart over their heads too, never knowing if today might be his last day.

After a year of silence, Lisa called her, and they got into a screaming match and hung up on each other. She said she told Lisa she “never did anything wrong to her and how could she turn on her while she now sees Bill as the best damn thing after what he did to her?”

That’s EXACTLY what I could’ve asked her 14 years ago. How could she defend Bill while turning on me???

She still blames it on no self-esteem, of course, and not being able to just up and leave so easily with 3 kids. I understand her, but I don’t. Sure it would be tough to leave with kids. Sometimes it can be tough even without them. I don’t have any kids, but where could I go if I suddenly had to leave Tom or he died? They’ll never reinstate my disability no matter how disabled any number of doctors say I am cuz the screwy system says I didn’t work enough years to qualify. Fucked up or not, that’s how it is. So I can sort of understand that part.

But she has done things wrong, and low self-esteem is no reason to shit on others any more than what happened a century ago gives blacks the right to shit on whites like so many of them are doing these days. Many Jews’ ancestors had it rough too, but they’re not running around playing the “Jew card” when they can’t get their way. I don’t understand why so many blacks and whites alike are so quick to come to blacks’ defense any more than I get why Tammy would defend Bill’s ass no matter how beaten and brainwashed she might’ve been. I know it’s not always cool to bash what I don’t understand. Many don’t get how/why I can’t simply set my alarm and get up at the same time every day, but that doesn’t make it any less true. So maybe abuse really can fuck with your mind in a way that can make you do the craziest of things. I wouldn’t know cuz I would’ve fought back and left the instant I smelled this kind of trouble in anyone I was with prior to meeting Tom.

Tammy's not kidding about Lisa’s perception of Bill, though. When I went to block her on Facebook so she couldn’t include me in any family drama like she did a few years ago with my parents, I pushed back, stunned, just staring at her page and said, “Oh, you’ve got to be kidding me. Just fucking kidding me.” But sure enough, sprawled across her cover photo was a picture of her and Bill smiling happily at each other – Bill, as in the guy who abused her and her mother – that appeared to have been taken at some kind of event (bastard’s second wedding?).

Anyway, Sarah wants nothing to do with Lisa, Tammy says, but Becky’s chosen to attend Lisa’s wedding cuz she’s “family.” Well, I didn’t tell Becky this, as I don’t want to get involved other than what Tammy tells me and because Becky has a right to make her own decisions, but there’s more to relationships than just blood. Just because one may be related to us doesn’t mean they’re good for us to have in our lives. Lisa truly is disturbed. She made this very obvious to me with the way she lashed out at me. Not Molly/Kim kind of disturbed, where she’s on disability and can’t distinguish fact from fiction, but she’s dishonest, accusatory, emotional, and bipolar. I’ll definitely be sure to post this in my semi-secret blog only!

Regardless of anything Bill’s done, for Tammy to say she’s never done anything wrong to Lisa is pure bullshit. Even she’s admitted she’s made mistakes where she was concerned. All parents fuck up at times. I don’t have to be one myself to know that, and if anyone wasn’t ready to have kids or in the right frame of mind for them 30 and even 20 years ago, it was Tammy. I didn’t know this, but Mom once told her to let Larry raise Lisa. That’s something she would say. Bad mother or not, for a parent to pit one kid against the other like she did with Larry against her and her against me, is utterly appalling.

I feel bad for her while I don’t. I’m sorry she’s suffering, but remember how bad I suffered on account of her supporting her abuser once upon a time, even if it was in a different and indirect way. I also get sick of hearing the same damn things, sort of like I do when I’m on various sites and have to hear all about God and the Black Love trip we’ve been on since the L.A. Riots. Well, God and blacks may be loved, but I still have mixed emotions about her. I’m just glad our parents and Larry are gone. Three fewer people to make trouble for the others, though Dad didn’t usually make trouble. Instead, he allowed trouble to happen.

TUESDAY, NOVEMBER 5, 2013 Dover Gray, Mark Twain Gray Brick, and Cathedral Stone. Those are the three hideous shades of gray my dear pal Andy has painted his living room and door in. We’re close enough friends, having known each other all our lives, that we can rag on each other in a fun way when one does something the other finds laughable or gross. To me, gray paint is as bad as pink carpet is to him. Gray has always been my least favorite color.

I just hope this is the last of the string of curses his washer has brought him. The last one was the painter dripping paint on his printer or something like that.

As for our own walls, Tom already picked up some wallboard joint compound for the second bedroom, which is where we’re going to start this weekend. That room’s still going in lavender, but I decided against a patterned paintbrush overlaying it with pink roses. I’d be too afraid I’d hit the ceiling or not make straight enough strokes with the thing. Gonna do the laundry room in pale pink, instead, and the master bedroom will still be mint green while the kitchen is done in deep turquoise and off-white throughout the rest of the place. It’s going to be done a little at a time. We’re going to add a fine texture to the paint so we won’t have to sand. It’ll add about $4 to each gallon of paint, but will be worth it. We’re going to leave the smooth wood at the peak of the cathedral ceilings in the living room as is. It contrasts nicely with the lighter colors and I don’t want either of us climbing up that high anyway. That’s gotta be about 12’.

Over the last weekend, we washed the bedroom and bathroom drapes. Not the raspberry drapes I just bought, but the sheer inner ones that have been here and that provide privacy when the outer drapes are pulled back.

We also rearranged the living room a bit. The couch is now facing the TV, which means it’s now in the middle of the room. We pulled the treadmill out of the corner and by the front windows where the couch used to be. It looks much better this way, but now the empty corner where the treadmill used to be is calling for a tall fake palm, banana, yucca, or cherry tree of some kind. That and a new couch/recliner are still down the road as we have other things to focus on now that are more important.

I love this house’s heater too, and the way it blows hot air for shorter amounts of time than warm air for longer periods of time. Just wish they’d stop with the damn landscaping! That really, really spoils the daytime peace around here, though I’d still rather that crap in our own spacious home than Jesse’s crap in a tiny rental.

Next door’s got me a little nervous parking in the carport now instead of the garage. I hope it’s because they’re going back out and not because they’re going to make some racket in the garage. I still worry about him becoming a bit of a workshop junkie. It usually seems to be within 4-6 months of moving in next to quiet people or them moving in next to us that they go to hell. Then again, we were always next to renters and that right there usually makes a big difference.

No workshopping for old Bob after all. He just pulled out.

So back to those darn annoying landscapers. I asked one of the guys when I went out walking if they made him do that every day and he said pretty much. They have 160 acres to tend to and it’s pretty much an all-day thing every day for a few months during the fall. Really makes me think harder about soundproofing some of these windows (you can supposedly do this by adding a second set of windows and there’s a company that does this for this reason). This has been going on since 7:50 and it’s not even noon yet. But would it block the sound or just soften it? If you can still hear it anyway, so what? Still, while it’s dead quiet at night, I had no idea it’d be this noisy in the daytime. In some ways, the Jes pest’s place was quieter.

I enjoyed my walk, though due to my hips not being used to the continual and brisk motion these days, they’re a bit sore. But that’s why I added variety to my routine besides strength training vids. I jogged some of the ways too, as usual. I went further than I did yesterday and was out there for almost 40 minutes. I really got to admire all the different houses and the way they have their yards and patios decorated with an assortment of trees, flowers, wind chimes, and mini statues. You can definitely tell old people live here. Younger people wouldn’t appreciate their property as much or how it looked.

During my walk, I saw two cats and some playful squirrels. The only real annoyance was the landscapers, of course, working all along the road that runs along the back. Maybe I’ll take the iPod next time. It’s amazing how many people are up and about that early.

I took a walk down a dead-end to one of the houses we considered that was going for just 10K at the time we only had 3K saved up. This was when the market was really down and things were way cheap. The house is only a couple of years older than this, but is bigger and has 3 bedrooms. Had we gotten that place, it would’ve been quieter for traffic and landscaping, but who knows about the individual people as it has houses all around it, unlike this place.

Sugar was so cute earlier. I forgot to latch the door, so as usual, the little devil busted loose, but Romeo stayed home. I was sitting on the stool eating a bowl of cereal at the counter when I heard the packing paper rustling that he loves to play in (and sleep in). Then he came over and ate some of my cereal with me. He had 4 pieces of Captain Crunch while I ate my share, haha.

Molly hit my LJ blog last night. I asked Aly if she went there in hopes of my making it public, or if she just likes to appear on my tracker. Aly said she supposedly does it to make sure I’m not talking about her. rolls eyes Gee, that’ll stop me.

MONDAY, NOVEMBER 4, 2013 It’s still too cold and dark to go out walking, but in about an hour, the sun will be up and warming things up nicely. I wouldn’t mind walking in the dark, as I wouldn’t feel the least bit threatened by anything or anyone, but not when it’s down in the 40s. I want it to be at least 55°F when I go out there.

If there’s anything good about being on a rotating schedule, it’s the variety of workouts I can do. If I were always on days, I’d be tempted to just go out and walk except for when it was really hot, because that’d be the easiest thing to do. Walking neglects my arms and abs, though. Being sometimes on nights, however, I can do various exercise routines indoors that add good variety to my regimen.

I was notified on Blogger by someone in the UK that MyOpera is shutting down and to export anything I may want. I read an article about it, and sure enough, they’ll be shut down on March 1st. This is one reason I have my stuff published on multiple sites; because I know that any site can shut down at any time for any reason. I guess they’re having both security and financial issues. I don’t need anything exported, though, due to it being on other sites, so they can take what’s there with them. While it’s kind of sad, I won’t miss MO much. I got sick of the spam, scams, and unwanted friend requests. I also don’t like how I can’t backdate entries there.

Andy was saying that he was worried he hurt my feelings by saying he didn’t want to read my book because he doesn’t read books and is only interested in magazines. Also, he doesn’t have as much free time as he may appear to have just because he can check into Ask several times a day. For the sake of avoiding possible home invasions, he doesn’t like anyone to know his schedule, so that’s why he doesn’t usually mention what he’s up to online.

I can totally relate, and I assured him of this, too. People think I have more free time than I actually have because I work at home. Also, we can’t help what does and doesn’t interest us. I like books and movies but don’t care for TV, magazines, celebs, or those I don’t personally know, no matter how talented and rich they may be.

My fellow writing buddy is reading my story, plus those who are interested in reading it in various places I’m sharing it at. As always, I write for me first, be it journals or stories, and any reader is an afterthought that I see as a bonus. I appreciate anyone who’s interested in or inspired by my writing, even if it’s not a must.

I also realize that being older and wiser than I was in 2000 doesn’t necessarily make me invincible to potential trouble. However unlikely it may be, the possibility of once again being victimized, even if it’s in a different way for different reasons and by different people, is still there. And maybe just like last time, God will see to it that I am totally defenseless and unable to fight back. This time, though, my own voice will be heard because if anything ever happens to me again, there’ll be what the “victims” say, what the media says, and then there’ll be the truth. Well, keeping a public journal is a good way of sharing the real me and telling my story, even if I don’t share every single little detail, so here lies the truth, now and in the future. :)

Had a happy dream last night for once. It was a nice change after the usual negative/weird dreams, though there were a couple of weird things about it. It took place in our second Arizona house, and we were apparently expecting some goodies in the mail. It was a Saturday, and I was saying to Tom that I hoped we’d get these things in the mail that day so we wouldn’t have to wait until Monday. Well, one of the “goodies” consisted of an old-fashioned audiocassette of some music. I was so excited to get it too, and happily skipped around the house with it, glad we didn’t have to wait till Monday after all. I also got a purse with dangling palm tree charms, but I have no idea what Tom got.

Chapter 4 brings my book up to 6714 words total.

Later…

Had a very cold half-hour walk. Makes me wish I was in Florida at this time of year. If I were, I’d be walking in the middle of the night like I will be in the summer here. Yahoo said it was 37°F and our thermometer said 48°F. I believe Yahoo. Jim, the 6:00 man, rounded the corner as I was crossing the street, and we waved to each other. Although cold, the walk was great. I lightly jogged a bit, too. I did go see my ducks, but they didn’t ambush me like last time. I think that as long as they don’t hear/see food being served, they won’t do that.

This place is gonna be great for bike riding when I get a new bike! Anyway, my heart rate was in the 130s when I returned.

The cleaning is done, today’s chapter is written, and now I think I’ll study languages. I alternate between two different languages every other day. Yesterday was Spanish and Italian review, so today’s French and German. Might as well do it now before the traffic and landscapers get going out there.

SUNDAY, NOVEMBER 3, 2013 Gotta work out and shower soon, then it’s on to Chapter 3 of my book. Since giving up on trying to lose weight, I expected it to start climbing, even though I’m working out every day, but it has stayed the same. Fine with me.

Norma posted a picture of Nana Bella with her sister Sophie, Norma’s mother, circa 1925. Oh, what pitiful hairstyles they had, but it was so cool to see. Even though she was only around 15 at the time, I recognized which one was Nana. She lived in California when I was born in ’65, so she was mostly a stranger until she had a stroke and came to live with us when I was around 12. By 17, she was gone.

My flip-flops with the 1½-inch heel arrived and fit perfectly. I wanted a pair that consisted of rubber and vinyl so they’d be water-friendly while at the beaches in Hawaii and the pool there as well as here.

I also got flavored coffee – fudge, cinnamon, caramel, and blueberry.

The completion of Chapter 3 makes over 5000 words so far of my new book.

I just went and set these clocks back an hour before I could forget.

SATURDAY, NOVEMBER 2, 2013 I now have just over 3300 words of my new book written! I’m always on a roll in the beginning. It’s keeping the story going I have trouble with. Guess that’s why I do short stories. Short stories for those with short attention spans. :-) The beginning and the end of the story are always the easiest for me. I’m not using dictation for the book, of course, because it’s not accurate enough. I use it for messages, and that’s about it. Another thing I hate about it is that it takes forever to launch.

Tammy gave me some medical input since she’s not only had tons of medical problems herself but some training as well. She’s not an RN, but she’s… she’s… well, I don’t know what her proper title would be, actually, but she knows more than I do.

Regarding Tammy's health issues, Andy was saying that while he respects the fact that she’s my sister and all that, he has no sympathy for her. He feels that she’s basically getting what she deserves for being the vindictive bitch she can be. After all, she has not only screwed me over in the past but also her daughter. If you can mess over your own flesh and blood, you can mess over anybody. He doesn’t consider her trustworthy, and while I hate to admit it, I don’t trust her 100% either. I would’ve also been THRILLED, while I sat in a cold hard jail cell 13 years ago, to know she would one day suffer as she has and still is. After all, I’m the one who put the spell on her to begin with, not that I’d expect those who don’t know me well to believe it. I’ll only be sharing this entry with my closest friends (or non-Googlable sites she doesn’t know I’m on) because the last thing I need is for her to see it. But yeah, the few who know me well would probably say my rage is what cast the negative energy upon her. The fire starter without the fire, remember? The problem is that I can’t call it off once a spell has been cast. I just don’t know how.

I still struggle with mixed emotions where she’s concerned. I’m not as pissed and as bitter as I used to be, but let’s just say I’m still hesitant, and I know I have to tread lightly. I am always careful and cautious with her. She wouldn’t hesitate to come and get us or fly us to her if we were suddenly homeless and starving on the streets, which is more than I could say for most people who had the means to help us. But God help me should I ever piss her off again, and you know what? God WOULDN’T help me. He has proven time and time again that HE has NO problem with others messing me over. He sat back and let my mother abuse me as a child, so the last thing He gives a damn about is what anyone gets in mind to do to me as a grown adult.

This is someone who lashes out for the wrong reasons. I never in a million years would’ve expected her to turn on me for letting her abusive ex have it. Who the hell in their right minds defends their perps? She wasn't scared of him, after all, though she did claim to be somewhat brainwashed. IDK, poor self-esteem and the belief that she deserved the abuse and that that was all she knew still seems like a piss poor excuse to me, but I will admit I’ve never been in her situation either. We’ve led totally different lives and are totally different people with different beliefs, tastes, and interests.

It’d be fine if she only knew how to contact me online. Then I could just block her or not use sites I couldn’t block her on. But she has our address and our phone numbers. I don’t know that there’s necessarily anything she could do with that info if she pissed me off enough to make me dump her and bring out her vengeful side, but I also hope to never find out either. I know a helluva lot more than I did in 2000 (like not answering the door to the damn pigs or thinking the truth would set me free), and therefore I would be a lot harder to trick, deceive, and manipulate. As I learned the hard way, never touch anything the police hand you. That’s how the welfare bum’s pig pal got my prints onto the evidence he falsified. The worst she could do, I guess, would be to make bogus claims of me making threatening phone calls or writing threatening letters, but without my voice on tape or her ability to produce a letter, she’d have nothing on me. So honestly, I don’t see what she could do with our address, but hey, I’m only human and no one’s 100% foolproof.

FRIDAY, NOVEMBER 1, 2013 NaNoWriMo has begun! It’s kind of exciting. Don’t know if I’ll hit the 50K, but I’m gonna give it a try.

Gonna breeze through this entry so I can get started. Want to try to get in about 2K words today.

The monthly newsletter was delivered, and we were listed as one of the newcomers to be welcomed. I guess they do this every few months. Also, the house across the street is pending. Tom said Brenda and someone else were there for hours the other day, and since that’s a bit long for a showing, he figured she was overseeing a home inspection.

Sometimes I feel like we should take advantage of all that the clubhouse has to offer, but we’re both so busy with other things. Besides, we really did come here to live and not to socialize. Still, one of those painting classes may be fun if I had more free time. I dabbled in oil painting back in the 90s, and it was a messy pain in the ass, but kind of fun. Yes, it’s true, folks. I can draw and paint, though I haven’t done it in years.

I’ve really come to like our oven. I like how I can hear the gas softly hiss and then stop when it’s preheated.

Had a dream last night that Andy’s sister Marla suddenly lived just minutes from us. Andy was to fly out to visit her and asked that I meet him there. I did, but Marla and I barely talked other than to say hello and goodbye because there were hundreds of guests. Andy and I could barely talk as it was cuz so many people kept coming up to him wanting to chat.

Once I was back home, I emailed him to say I sent Marla a message on Facebook thanking her for dinner and saying she was a fabulous cook with a beautiful home. I enclosed a copy for him to give to her in case the message didn’t go through.

0 notes