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p1a9u3 · 6 months ago

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PeepHole Ch.1: Moving Day

Masterpost Ch.1 - Ch.2 Pairing: Dylan Matthews x Fem Oc

Rating: 18+ (mdni)

Genre: Neighbors/Strangers to Lovers, Smut, Angst, Fluff, Slow-burn

Summary: Moving isn't as exciting as Amoya thought, plus she may have pissed off her new neighbor.

Words: 3.2k

Warnings: (This story takes place in 2024) Mental illness (anxiety, ocd), Violent intrusive thoughts, Language, Age gap (5years), Using phone while driving

Status: Unedited

Author note: This is the first fic that I've ever posted, I've written before but I've never finished anything and published it so don't tear me to shreds, please. I chose to make an oc instead of just writing as a reader mainly because I made a whole character in my head before I wrote this so I decided to just make her an oc, if you would like a post going more into this oc of mine feel free to ask (I might post it anyway because I like her), there is no smut in this chapter btw. Please give me feedback and suggestions, constructive criticism, etc. Don't be a bitch about it though...please. I'm thinking of making this a series POSSIBLY, but I procrastinate a lot so that may never happen. To my fellow troublemakers hopefully, I do Dylan justice and my writing is at least a little bit accurate to his personality. Still, to be fair I'm a fairly new troublemaker having only found out about this man a few weeks ago, so if something isn't accurate please correct me...politely. He's become my new hyper fixation so when I saw there aren't really any fics about him I decided I should make my own so here we are. Anyway with that being said Enjoy <3. Update: Dylan is barely in this chapter

Monday, February 26, 2024 Time: 8:30AM Moving out was less relieving than you thought it would be. Having been by your mother's side for almost all your life, you'd gotten comfortable always having someone around.

'You can't live with your parents forever'

People would remind you whenever the topic of anyone's living situation would be brought up. Being twenty-seven and still living with your mother wasn't something you wanted to keep telling people, no one would take you seriously. Though your mother never pushed for you to move out, never mentioned it actually. You think you know why. You never say anything though, so you deal with the slight embarrassment, and ignore the judgmental stares you get whenever someone brings it up.

'They don't know our relationship'

More excuses you make up to justify your obstinance; and to mask the anxiety you're feeling as finish up packing your U-Haul. You had finished packing your stuff from your shared apartment and were now finishing the few boxes you had in storage. Now in the elevator mustering up the strength to carry the last two boxes back down to the truck. Grabbing the lock you had left on the floor, you place it on top of one of the boxes and stack the box onto the second one, bending down and lifting with a soft grunt. Long strides carrying you to the elevator, you push the down button with your foot. The doors open soon after, you step inside setting the boxes down as you push the bottom floor and wait. Pushing off the wall as the doors open you pick up the boxes once again, you quickly load them up into the U-Haul before grabbing the padlock from on top of the box, and then heading to the front desk of the storage building.

"Here, the unit is clean and empty." You smile at the woman as she takes the lock and keys with a thank you.

Turning on your heels you walk back to your U-Haul giving everything a once-over before locking it all up, now turning your attention to the hitch attached to the back of the Truck where your precious car is hitched too. It was a black and cherry red 1993 Nissan 240SX with a red interior, you had seen it while driving with your mom past a repair shop when you were 25, back then it had no windshield or wheels. You won't lie and say you fixed it yourself but you did invest all the money you had at that time to fix it up and color it how you wanted; you still would say it was worth it. Checking the hitch and chains attached to the bottom of the car making sure everything was set and ready.

"Everything looks good?" Your mother said making you jump

"Yah! A warning ma, please! And yes everything looks good, I packed up the last two boxes and returned the keys and lock to the front desk while you were in the bathroom." You let out a breath calming your heart from the scare you just had, your mom snickering next to you. You turn to her rolling your eyes playfully as you walk to the front of the truck, your mom following behind you.

"Good, let's get on the road." Your mom hops into the passenger seat and rolls down the window. "I wanna get home by Wednesday."

You climb into the driver's seat, buckling your seatbelt then checking your mirrors. You two had agreed on driving to your new apartment, taking turns every 5 hours, once you got there she'd help you unload and unpack on Tuesday, and your mom would then fly back to New Orleans on Wednesday. The more you think about it the more you feel yourself panic a bit.

"Okay."

Time: 9:00AM Starting the car, you let out a breath putting the car in drive and pulling out of the parking lot of the storage building. You could tell your mom was trying to keep herself calm by the way she would rub her right thigh with her right hand, it was a nervous tick she passed down to you. Unfortunately, you were just as nervous, so you decided to turn on the playlist you and your mom made while eating the night before, mixes of all kinds of genres put into one playlist to keep you both entertained during the drive. Pulling off the main road and merging onto the freeway, you glance over to your mom to see her smiling wide looking back at you. She has that look in her eyes, you know it well.

"Its happening ma." You smile back at your mom then look back to the road

Your mother places her hand on your thigh, letting out a long sigh and a soft squeeze before returning it back to her own lap. You see her wipe a single tear from your peripheral; you don't acknowledge it. She'll start bawling the second you tell her not to cry. So you pretend not to see it and start singing along to Erykah Badu, your mom turns the music up a bit and starts singing along too. You smile to yourself as you glance out your side window, watching as familiar buildings pass by in a blur, You think you'll miss this place. No, you know you will, but a part of you is kinda excited, relieved almost. You've silently always longed to live on your own, but another part of you calls you selfish for even wanting that until now

'How could want to leave your mother'

You know it's normal to want to move out of your parent's home, every grown adult has to move out at some point, and twenty-seven is a perfectly normal age to do so, You wanted to move when you were twenty-four. Hell, some people live with their parents till they are far in their thirties.

'But you know your mother may need you right'

All your brothers have moved out, they are doing good on their own, and you're the only one left. It was only a matter of time; you tell yourself. Your mom will be fine, she's dating a new man who treats her great and takes care of her. Hell he tried to hire a moving crew to move all your stuff, but you wanted to do it yourself and your mom wasn't going to let you drive almost halfway across the country by yourself.

'you could've found a place closer to her you know'

Phoenix, Arizona. You chose Phenix simply because it was affordable for you and close to LA, your mom agreed it was a good choice. There is work in LA, California is just so expensive, so you chose the next best thing. The apartment is nice from what you saw as well, one bedroom, two baths with a study. It was perfect for you.

Time: 11:23AM The drive was going well so far, your mother eating a bag of chips she packed along with all the other snacks and drinks. You were eating a Honeybun, one of your favorite snacks, and drinking water. Your mom had turned off the music and started watching YouTube with mostly commentary so you could listen and drive, Right now a video was playing talking about some ice cream drama in North Dakota. Author note: if you watched this video featuring Dylan is in Trouble, I know it's technically in the future but I don't care, this is all fake anyway. You found it interesting and kinda funny, laughing every now and then when your mom would pause to add her opinion. About two-thirds of the way into the video you glance down at the screen, there are two guys now instead of one, and one of them is wearing glasses, you glance back down looking at the title of the video 'Insane Local Ice Cream Shop Drama (w/ Dylan Is In Trouble)' You made a mental note of the second guy's name for later, his voice was nice you told yourself, he was also fine as fuck. You leaned your seat back as far as it would go, which wasn't very far, getting comfortable. You still have two more hours left to drive.

Time: 12:35PM Your mom had fallen asleep about ten minutes ago, YouTube was still playing, The next video had been the same guy as before. You looked down for a second, looking at the title of the video that had been playing for about fifteen minutes. 'Guessing Finales After ONE Episode (ft. Dylan Is In Trouble)' You smile to yourself a bit recognizing the name at the end of the title, you let the video play just listening to the guy talk for ten more minutes. You caught yourself smiling again when you recognized the second guy's voice as he joined in for the rest of the video, you took a sip of your water glancing down at the video, seeing him pop on screen whenever he had something to say

"he's funny." You mutter to yourself quietly, thinking out loud.

The video had ended and your lips fell back into their original position, as an ad played before the next queued-up video, you looked down at your GPS. 1322 miles to go; you let out a sigh.

'200 miles closer to leaving you mom'

She was helping you unpack, so you technically wouldn't be leaving her really. If anything she was leaving you since she had to fly back home. You prop your left elbow on the open window, your left hand holding the steering wheel, and your right hand comes down to your thigh, rubbing small circles back and forth.

'What happens if Devon goes back home'

Your oldest brother Devon was working at a mental facility. He was on his medication and was doing good, he managed to get a job there and has been making decent money. He was doing fine, He is doing fine.

'What if he stops taking his medication again.'

They will keep tabs on him, they know his habits, his symptoms, He is fine.

'Has another episode and gets out'

That wouldn't happen. He's fine

'He'll be there when mom gets back'

No.

"Hes gonna ki-'

-beep! beep! beep!-

Time: 2:00PM Your mom's alarm goes off, making you jump a bit. Reaching over to turn it off, your mom moans a bit as she wakes up from her short nap, stretching her arms a bit as she yawns.

"Jeste li spremni za promjenu." she yawns out, going for a sip of her water ( translation: Are you ready to switch)

Your mother's Croatian tends to slip when she's just woken up, or delirious. You nod your head looking at the next exit sign to find a gas station, spotting a Love's off the side of the freeway. Slipping off the freeway you pull up to the gas station before parking next to a pump.

"Bathroom?" You look over at your mom, she nods, unbuckling her seatbelt and hopping out of the truck, you do the same.

You both enter opposing stalls to relieve yourselves of all the water you had been drinking, washing your hands after. Your mother heads back to the truck to pump the gas as you browse the aisles for any extra snacks, spotting a honeybun you instinctively grab one, then two, and head to the cashier. You place your honeybuns on the counter and then look up at the cashier who seems to be invested in something on her phone, she wasn't wearing headphones phone volume at maybe thirty percent, you could hear what she was watching. You recognize the voice, the cashier finally looks up from her phone quickly apologizing for not paying attention.

"Oh I'm so sorry, will this be all" She quickly rings up the two honeybuns.

"No you're fine, that'll be it actually." You dismissively wave your hand pulling out your wallet to pay.

Looking down you notice her phone, she had put it on the counter, and the video on it had been paused but on the screen was that guy again, though it seemed to be a video of his own this time. You pull out some cash and hand it to the young woman behind the counter, she takes the cash, counts it, and then goes to get your change.

"No, it's fine, keep the change" Flashing a smile then grabbing your honeybuns you take another glance at the women's screen before it turns off from being left alone for too long.

Opening the passenger seat door, you climb into the seat buckling yourself in. Pulling out of the gas station your mom pulls off back onto the freeway continuing your journey. You pull out the bag you had brought for little activities, pulling out your book of choice. You had splurged at a Barnes and Noble a few weeks before you began packing, picking up a bunch of books you had either heard good things about or had been wanting to read. Red Rising was one of the books, it was also the one you were currently holding.

"I'm gonna put my headphones on, so you can listen to whatever you want." You tell your mom as you put your headphones on and pull out your phone.

You had gotten the book on Audible a while back and wanted to read and listen at the same time. Pressing play you turn to the first chapter and begin reading as the narrator spoke. Your mom seemed to have put music on, you could feel the bass as she turned up the volume and began singing along.

Time: 10:56PM Hours had passed, it was your turn now with two hours left till your next switch. Your mother was knocked out, lightly snoring as you drove in silence, you had stopped reading once you had switched. You also decide to put off reading it until you were moved in, the book had grabbed your attention, so much so, that you wanted to be able to focus on it solely; so you chose to wait. You had a couple hundred miles left to go and things were sinking in more as you drove silently. Your mind doing its usual thing, making you worry about things that most likely won't happen, even if it did, you know it wouldn't be your fault. You couldn't help but think maybe it would be though, it was a dumb thought but you couldn't help it

'What was that guys name again'

Your brain blanked for a second, random but ok, your brain goes back to the YouTube video your mom had been watching, that cashier was watching him as well. Dylan is in Trouble, you wonder what kind of videos he makes, most likely commentary. You pull your phone out glancing down and go to YouTube, you use the voice to text and hold your phone up to your mouth.

"Dylan is in trouble"

You press search, going back and forth between looking at your phone and watching the road. You look down to find his channel, press his icon, and scroll through some of his videos. Movie commentary is what you mostly see, occasionally you'd spot something different, you decided you'd dive into his channel later when you weren't driving.

Time: 5:00AM You were in the driver's seat, you had let your mom sleep more after she had been driving for about three hours. She was up now though, you could tell things were starting to catch up to her again. She was fidgeting a lot more now, well so were you, she looked very tense. She helped you find this apartment, but you assume she wants to see the neighborhood for herself, in person, wants to see how good the security is and what the neighbors are like. It's only natural, she's a mother and her only daughter is moving twenty hours away from her. You look down at your phone, your GPS says you are pulling up now, you look around the area, it was very nice, wasn't too far from the city. You spot the complex to the left, it was pretty big with multiple sections with apartments, you were building three, kind of in the middle of everything. You pull into the complex parking in front of the leasing office to speak to your landlord and to get your keys, your mom comes with you of course, sizing everything up.

"Hi welcome to Arts District Apartments, it's Amaya correct, my name is George?" An old-looking man stands from his desk, his hand reaching out to shake yours

"Thank you, George, it's Amoya actually" You reach out and shake his hand with a smile.

You two talk a bit about the complex and its rules etc. Your mom chimed in every now and then to ask her questions. Before you know it you're unloading the truck into your new apartment, you're realizing now that you didn't have as much stuff as you thought. The last thing you had left was your bed, you and your mom had been doing well with just the two of you, but after you two had gotten the mattress inside your mother's back began to bother her. Now you had your bed frame, you told your mom to relax for now and that you could get the frame up yourself. Partial lie, you previously took apart the bed frame and so there were mainly long pieces that weren't too heavy except the backboard, that thing was heavy as fuck, luckily you had a dolly at the storage building to help you carry it out, but now you have to carry it to the elevator and down the hall. You managed to get it down from the truck, and from there you lifted it and sped walked to the elevator, almost dropping the bed frame on your foot as you set it down to push the button. The doors had closed on you twice as you tried to pick the frame back up and lift it into the elevator, but alas you made it, now on the third floor and outside the elevator. You took pride in your body, you considered yourself strong, regularly went to the gym, and you would say your legs were the strongest part of your body, with that being said, you tried to make as little noise as possible since it was still early in the morning, you lost your footing. You were almost there, your door being right in front of you; but you fell. Landing on the door behind you hitting your head with a very loud thud.

"Bumbo." You whisper yelled at yourself in Jamaican as you set the frame down and leaned off of the door. (translation: Fuck)

Holding the frame upright you walk around it reaching for your door, the frame slipping from your fingers and falling against your neighbor's door again. You prayed that your new neighbor was either a very deep sleeper or wasn't home right now, though maybe you didn't pray hard enough. You lift the bed frame from your neighbor's door, getting your phone to get your mom to hold the door open for you so you can slide it the rest of the way inside. Stopping, you hear the door behind you click open. Your bed frame blocked your view of whoever had stepped out, but you could hear him.

Ch.1 - Ch.2

Updated Author note: Hopefully this was an enjoyable first chapter or part. The apartment is just a random apartment complex I saw on Zillow, everything in this is all fictional besides the YouTube videos and things that are obviously real. Anyway, I have decided to make this a series, I've gone into too much detail on little things like Amoya's intrusive thoughts and all that, and it'd be a waste to shorten and delete half of what I put and speed through everything, Amoya's intrusive thoughts and anxiety is a trait I added from myself, so you'll notice a lot of internal thinking and scenarios she makes up in her head. Hopefully, the idea is as cool as what I thought of in my head. If this does well, I will upload the other chapters one after the other, If it does bad I'll just delete everything, but please be patient I procrastinate a lot and I want the writing to be good. Please be honest and let me know how you all feel about this, if you like the writing, the main character, the pacing, the storyline, length, anything, and everything, I need criticism but don't be a bitch about it.

#Dylan is in trouble #dylan matthews #Dylan is in trouble fanfic #Dylan Matthews fanfic #fluff #angst #neighbors au #slow burn

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nightcolorz · 2 months ago

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Love ur blog :3

Troybed forever, but what r your thoughts on Annie and Abed?

OMG!! My first ask about community 😭🫶 tyyyy ur so nice

I assume ur asking how I feel about ppl shipping Annie and abed since u brought up trobed lol. I understand the appeal 🤷. I don’t ship them but I think their friendship is so cute. Virtual Systems Analysis is my favorite episode in the show lol, and that is entirely Annie and abed centric, so they’ve got a special place in my heart. Annie and abed remind me of me and my siste a lot. my sister has ocd and I have autism, and we tend to have a lot of conflict when we share a living space bcus our neurodivergent needs often conflict with each other in very specific ways 😭. the autism and the ocd brain in my experience tend to but heads, and that’s the vibe I get from Annie and abed. Neurodivergent in opposite ways and learning to understand and accommodate each other regardless. I love how their dynamic progresses after Troy leaves, how they r forced to lean on each other when it’s just the two of them and become closer bcus of it. Genuinely sweet stuff. Thanks for the ask!

#Posting about fixations that aren’t vampires makes me feel guilty cuz I don’t want to annoy my audience but community is awesome so 😔#It has to be #abed nadir #community #nbc community #annie edison

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wolfisland · 6 months ago

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Thank u for talking about your struggles with ocd you and another person i follow talking about ur experiences have helped me a lot with realizing i probably have some form of it and that im not alone in it and yeah hope ur having a good day so far

im actually having a pretty good one thank you! and you definitely are not alone in it. i think honestly its like criminally under diagnosed bc theres so much misinfo and theres so many rigid stereotypes that ppl kind of get lost with it.

also for anyone else reading this who wants a little more info on some sub types, i believe (i may be misremembering though) this is the site i went to when i was first researching before i brought it up to my psychiatrist.

#mail #i initially thought i had ''pure o'' because i didnt have many if any compulsions in common with people i knew #only to find out not all compulsions are externalised #also pure o isnt real

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pinkmoondoll9shihtzu · 7 months ago

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Are you more of a cbt girlie or are you more into psychoanalysis? Have you integrated your shadow self? What are your thoughts on conversational therapy?

hmm well i've never had cbt or psychoanalysis done on myself in any meaningful type of way so i have no preference ^^ tried a cbt workbook once but it never made mucb impact. conventional therapy i always found to be completely useless for myself, and ive tried many times since i was a teen. never brought me any relief or self awareness i didnt already possess. rn i do biweekly OCD therapy which is kinda helping cus its more focused and actually provides a lot of useful knowledge i can apply day to day when the spirals come up.

as for shadow self, ive been worki ng hard to integrate it since around 2018, and i believe it is a lifelong practice, but i've made progress for sure. tbh what helped me most was having a few close friends who were willing to call me out on my bullshit back when i was really downbad. i was so hurt & embarrassed at first but idk where i'd b at now if they weren't strong enough to pull the trigger. like i was totally stuck in loops of self-victimization , perpetuating my own misery, i see it all so clearly now in retrospect n im forever grateful they trusted me enough to give me tough love!! they did it because they rly believed i could change myself, and they were right. my shadow will always exist but i have compassion for her now, and its easy to see thru the pain she feels just like how my friends did back then. see it for what it is and not act on it.

love honesty & community is the answer, imo. Strenghten your self concept so u can do more for others. learn to comfort your shadow in non destructive ways instead of trying to run from it or outright abolish its existence. thanks for the question hope ur well, have a good day anon 🙏

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amethyst-halo · 2 years ago

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btw fuck the tiktok trend of “ohh this sound will get u money dont even dare skip this” “ohhh use this sound for your dream life DONT skip it or it’s over” etc etc it’s so fucking infuriating because it’s bullshit i KNOW it’s bullshit but i can’t get around it because my ocd rips me in half over them

it’s literally just the new version of those facebook “send this to five people or you’ll die” things do u know how distressed those made little undiagnosed me? i fucking hate them because they prey on people like me who have ocd or paranoia or something and sometimes Can’t NOT interact with them or else they’ll have a panic attack At Best. “oh just skip them ignore them they’re dumb” i KNOW they’re dumb but i WILL have an episode if i so much as consider skipping them sometimes it’s not that simple

i think the trend of interaction baiting posts- ESPECIALLY ones that threaten bad things if you skip them- should burn in hell. it’s one thing if it’s something soft like “rb this to give the person u rb’d from some soup” or “rb and tell me what ur favorite candy is” that’s ok interaction bait it’s a fucking whole other ball park if it’s “rb this or this creature will be at the foot of your bed tonight” it’s so fucking awful and i hate it stop making them it’s not funny it never was funny

#sorry for a long rant im just so fucking sick of these #sketch is ocd posting #sketch speaks #ask to tag #i guess #this post was brought to u by: i saw one that threatened everything was over if i didn’t interact three ways and it drove me to tears #last night actually #i found the tiktok saved to my phone and got mad lol #sorry i don't like making mad posts these just wear me out #i promise im not mad at anyone who's made like ''rb this if the person u rb'd from deserves to have a good day'' although #those are on thin ice for me tbh

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glowxie · 6 months ago

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does yalls therapist give u advice that would NOT fucking fly on here too or is mine just in her 50s

[rant below]

like ok. since the truth abt wilbur dropped it has been a steady topic in therapy (sidenote- i literally do not know why but this is a common thing for me. i often get obsessed w media, run w that for maybe a year, fall out of the fandom but still latch onto a couple characters/creators/whathaveyou. for dsmp it was the sorry boys with HEAVY emphasis on ran and wil)

i also have ocd and have a really hard time with "morality" as i call it. genuinely dont know what else to call it. anyway that translates a lot into completely dropping people/musicians/creators etc when i find out theyve actively hurt people.

it's also me doing genuine hours of research into new people and never being able to just casually like something. if a song plays and ive heard more than 2 songs by the artist and i like both i WILL end up doing a deep dive on the artist to see what they have or havent done.

ive been working on that slowly but surely. but anyway. lovejoy. shit got me through when my mom almost died and it felt like a whole new type of grief than what i was already feeling because i KNEW my ocd wouldnt let me listen to them anymore. it was a very back and forth process that i still struggle a lot with.

in therapy it usually goes like

me: like logically i know solely streaming the music on spotify will not bring them very much revenue spotify hates paying their artists and ive never bought merch ive never promoted them ive never made fanart of wil- but my brain thinks immediately if i listen to one song im a horrible person supporting a man that committed domestive violence and is denying it. he has so much support and die hard fans that are going after the victims. i feel like by listening to lovejoy im as bad as them, both him and the fans

her: so. it sounds like youre punishing yourself over something completely out of your control. you did everything you could, went above and beyond to make sure he was a person worthy of your support, yet even his friends didnt know about the abuse at the time. youre keeping yourself from something that you enjoy, something that brought you comfort. you did not know, they didnt know, it wasnt your fault he committed this crime. why should you be punished?

and like. i get it. i really do. i guess part of it is im afraid of what people will think. i do not support wilbur. i fucking hate him for what hes done and i hope he rots in hell. but some of his music brought me comfort in extremely distressing times. listening to music doesnt make me a bad person. knowing does. knowing everything thats happened and continuing to contribute to his fame- thats what kills me about it.

i also know that ran would be so disappointed in me for continuing to listen. so i havent been.

i dont really know what the point of this post is. i guess ive just not seen a perspective like this other than mine. i guess i just hope if other people are afraid like i am (and this is my ocd medicated btw. i have extreme ocd) they can read this and see that if nothing else they arent alone in feeling this way.

#anyway fuck wilbur soot #gloxbox

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juupitrr · 1 year ago

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suitcases man / vent

my sister came back from uni and moved back into her and i's room - which for the past 4-ish years has been mostly just /my/ room with her bed still in it for when she came over on holidays or moving between the uni years - and that meant she brought all her stuff with her and I had to move my stuff to make space.

I didn't realize it also meant moving my clothes and where i put them; like the suitcase I keep under her bed specifically at the far left end of it placed so I can pull it out, zip it open and take out the only 3 items that are in that suitcase, my black skater skirt, those black ankle socks I brought to kosov and never wore so keep there just incase, and that one corset top that came a day late than when I needed it.

When my dad helped her put her suitcases under her bed, they initially had to take out /my/ suitcase to make space for it then when they realized they had extra space, put my suitcase back in. In the far right side of the bed.

When my dad left I immediately went to it and fixed it and corrected it and my sister was looking at me weirdly "you're acting kinda ocd" "this is very ocd of you" and it annoyed me a lot because it was only recently that I've been comfortable with saying I have ADHD and she knew this and I thought the suitcase thing was another me or ADHD or both thing, so her naming it as something else just. it annoyed me. because I thought I finally had a kind of guide as to what certain things were and why. then in comes this whole new term id never considered that i now have to give a guest room in my head cuz now its circling in my thoughts a little in the back of my mind.

idk man just like, knowing what kind of neurodivergent u are is so fucking tough sometimes man, like why cant it be like the sorting hat or smn and it just tells u

#just sick of this imposter syndrome im having with my adhd #like? im sick of second doubting everytime i gain a new level of confidence in my symptoms and self diagnosis.#i cant wait ~2 years for cahms to call me and say “hey u were right it IS adhd gj champ” and just let myself sit in puzzled confusion like #i KNOW it's not good to self diagnose without proper research #but ive tried. ive tried to do the research i can without becoming obsessed and self fulfilling and spiraling too much.#and i cant just sit back while ppl r like “you do this that this this and that. wtf r u.”#and i have to be like “idk i cant tell u bcs tiktok told me im hellspawn and ablist if i try find out”#nah fuck that #fuck ppl who try and have that mindset abt people who KNOW they have something and NEED to know because if they dont they will scream #bcs man i WANT TO SCREAM EVERY DAYY and i have a BIG OL HUNK abt what I have.#and its a FUCKING SUITCASE. ITS A SUITCASE. AND ITS A GIANT LAWN CHAIR WITH ALL MY CLOTHES ON IT.#because I cant put it in the boxes my mum got me or else i will have a panic attack because its not right and i will cry and bawl again #ok im done #vixen speaks #juup talks #juupitrr talks #vent #personal vent #adhd vent #sorry lol #btw i dont have anything against my sister. these are just my feelings.

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batmanisagatewaydrug · 2 years ago

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hi, agogable anon here. thanks for your answer, i rlly do appreciate it and the info kinda cleared things up for me that i was convincing myself out of checking medsites.

i also enjoyed the rb being like 'u have ocd friend' lol (not that ocd isnt horrible and also managable uno), and ig i'm glad that a bit of my mental turmoil brought some kind of joy to other ppl. i'm not gonna burden u with any more, stranger on the internet i asked for sexed advice, but if u have any interest in the individual behind that ig i could drop u my url so u at least can put a link to 'that one time i got a really overly detailed, borderline nonsensical with shame herpes ask that set the gc ablaze for 30 minutes' if you wanted

bro you're not a zoo animal you don't have to drop your url like. you have a right to privacy that's the whole point of the anon feature. you're good.

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localartinstallation · 8 months ago

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..…oh, God, hear the words from my mouth’ three times, then rinse”

happy sabbath everypony, this is elyse coming back at ya through the digital wave space via this digital surfboard i’m riding on! the long awaited ocd tumblr blog is here xD

much like matthew h. watson of “SUPERMEGA” fame i, too, have what one might call obsessively compulsive behaviors constricted/fueled by bedridden anxieties, religious upbringings, and a series of unfortunate events. this…thing (hereto i shall now start referring to as “ocd” for convenience) brought me closer to God, while simultaneously making that relationship a lot more circumstantial. which, if you didn’t know, is an *unhealthy relationship*. one of the most unhealthy aspects of this having ocd with religion, among other things, is the practice of prayer. totally personally, the way my brain processes the concept of prayer is as follows:

address your God.

use “thees and thous”, since that’s the most powerful language to use when talking to God…according to this book i found, as everyone has always spoken good king’s english, especially totally verifiable prophets.

repeat words or phrases that have been previously established within widely accepted prayers, which you have observed through life e.g. “no harm or accident will come to them”, and the like. because those are the sorts of prayers God has been proven to understand and grant, so failure for this part of the prayer is unlikely; even if God couldn’t accept the other parts of my prayer. at the very least “no harm accident will come to them” is a tried and true tactic. (as if prayer is a battlefield, and i strategize conversation with an all powerful; all loving being).

definitely-maybe try to have an actual conversation with your God, saying thank u & how much u love Them etc etc…but you’re probably not worthy of conversing with such a great thing—and so u put the actual possibility of a productive and truly nice prayer on hold since you might’ve opened your eyes or not knelt down properly—dropping your worthiness points with Heavenly Father :(

“In the Name of Jesus Christ, Amen!” (other variations of this prayer must include “Jesus Christ”, lest it return to sender).

sounds like a pretty fun time, right? also, JEHOVAH totally said that HE *really* wants u to go through this process about as many times a day as u can!

so…i may have felt quite guilty whenever i found myself not enjoying a prayer. and maybe just going to bed without thinking about my eternal existence for a night was alright, but that’s not a holy thought, so—what do i do?—i turn to prayer to make up for it…rinse and repeat for the rest of your life!

oh yeah…there is this other thing though, this ritual, that works 100% of the time in removing 100% of your sin. Jesus called it baptism, and we do the whole thing before you can get into any real trouble…

…oh, you dont remember that? huh…God really boinked us on this one didn’t They?

…

holy shit, you remember that book i found!? Jesus actually says there’s an official way to pray. and this one is out of the mouth of JC Himself, too, saying…(Mathew 6:7-14) “When you are praying, do not heap up empty phrases as the Gentiles do; for they think that they will be heard because of their many words. Do not be like them, for your Father knows what you need before you ask him. Pray then in this way: ‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name. Your kingdom come. Your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread. And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors. And do not bring us to the time of trial, but rescue us from the evil one.’ For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you; but if you do not forgive others, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.” okay so…Jesus kinda knew what He was talking about…and there is sort of a word or phrase you can follow that guarantees 100% coverage of all possible scenarios your mind could ever conjure up; even the ones that you might have forgotten in some conversational prayer you might’ve had, leading some some sort of ocd…

of course, still pending the fact that you must forgive everybody or else God can’t forgive you, rendering the entire prayer invalid; nonetheless, 100% of this ocd stuff is covered by what might be the most valuable part of this scripture, to me, anyway……"for your Father knows what you need before you ask him”. i feel touched enough by how insane of an actual promise that is to actually believe it. and so, with the assumption that a God who must be all loving knows me pretty well, i tried it out. while i do not have a perfect memory, to the best of my current ability, i have made many amends and have forgiven all who wrong me. wherefore, i’m soooo worthy enough for this “Lord’s Prayer”.

its been about a month since i started frequently trying to memorize and attempt to use the lord’s prayer, and the results are interesting. perhaps this good feeling some might call “joy”, is due to being properly medicated for the first time, but isn’t that an act of God in its own way? in the end, whenever i feel like i need or should be praying, doing the lord’s prayer is a good starting point to actually remove enough of this ocd before considering if i actually need to do a big ol’ prayer. this has opened me up to have much more productive prayers, instead of praying, simply because of anxiety.

so what did we learn? ocd sucks so much ass, and religion rewards the absolute FUCK out of it. but doing the lord’s prayer has kind of helped a lot…so maybe try it out or find something like that for your own stupid lil’ head <3. super easy, right??

(maybe the weird rituals we learn are for the friends we find along the way)

anyway, let me eat u :3

#literalwitchcrafting #96

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lonespektr · 1 year ago

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OCTOBER 14TH (day late) HORROR WATCH

Something in the dirt (2022)

This is Justin Benson and Aaron Moorhead if you haven't heard of these guys strap the frack in.

I have never fully understood any one of their films without at least a second watch

... maybe synchronic

Already on tilt

OCD?

Looks like a morel mushroom but with spikes??

Do not expect an explanation

Ok well guy apparent derelict no furniture sleeping on floor daylight

Helicopter

No subs are

Oh they are okay

The two have been lead actors in their films more than once

Neighbor meet and greet

Divorcee tells him that the apt had been vacant for a decade

Told a big bloody fib about a death

Doesn't explain the vacancy like that's even creepier man

Said something else weird and drove off on a scoot scoot

It was a squirrel omg

Shot of the electricity meters

And a bunch of other things in quick sucession power lines etc then chimes

Ok interview suddenly

Meta about their films lolz

Somebody died

Guy friendship makes me seeth with envy and wrench my clothing

They are best friends now,?!!! U movin furniture??

How??? U just met??? That could be a serial killer an asshole! That's a literal stranger

I hate men

They are chatting like they have known each other for years (they do)

Fish story

They both at each time appeared wary of the other at least

sharing wifi??

That is a STRANG-ER

Behold the promise LAN

First uh tension

Kinda told him after he helped gotta kick u out

Except rolled right into compassion AA convo

Lol 😂 till he said ok cool

Lol housewarming plant dude why would u think he brought a rando plant to a new place obviously

His grandma runs a nursery

Already talking weird, cult vibes

The prism crystal piece he found on the ground just started floating and prisiming

Divorcee saw it and honestly told the new move in guy who was already trying to kick him out but graciously instead of doing the whole wait until it happens later bs as divorcee is leaving it happens again

And unlike the white men they are the bolt out of the apartment

They are literal shots of the text of what is being said randomly interspersed cut into the dialogue

Fights keep passing over head

Three birds just hit the divorcee guys door , dead

They agree that they have to document legitimate supernatural stuff and get rich/ successful

Youth shelter person comes to pick him up

Dude pretty sure that's his PO and he's court mandated

Back to interviews

New guy had stashed the birds in a cardboard box just to make sure they weren't just knocked out

One bird was gone when he went back to check

Lord of heat coming from the closet

Anti title drop??? Cute

This is very meta

Debate about titles they are both rejection sensative like prickly about critiques

He said i guess it waits for you (new guy) but the first time we saw it it was only the divorcee

This is very nope at this juncture

They are tooling up, my Internet is very slow

The chimes are Russian nesting Dolls

Address the obvious P.O.

He said he's on the sex offender registry for peeing in public

The thing is actually moving ( i should clarify it looks like the og big ass crystal ash trashs

Although it's obvious cut in half orb and prismy

They have digital and film cameras

They may have a shot

The geometry of magnetism - rando book that divorcee knows

Lol why was it written in esperanto i mean obvs why but 😂😂

Oh the weird shape that prsim makes is on the cover

Lol divorcee just asked do i sound unhinged and new guys like oh no nono psychologic breaks are totally different 😂😂😂

Lol he just yelled at the paper weight if you are a ghost do something

Now they are like??? Not a ghost

Coulda told you that boys it's very scientific

It's scientific because this is your film and you always do science shit 😂😂

The guy says he has seeing the symbol all over town now

Most of the shots were of old buildings that symbol would have been there for years

Lol new guy said u goin dan brown on me

He's like no man it's just a math thing like the fibbinocci sequence

When a rectangle expressed as a ratio

(how the fuck does one do that #dyscalculia)

It is that irrational number

Lol he said this better not be about Stonehenge 😂😂

This dude is smoking inside like a fucking 1950's film JEEBUS

the whole time there's s discordant plunk in the sound track

(They do this)

This is the third time he has crossed the threshold out of the room and it drops the new guy im googling their names cause im getting irritated

John and levi

The city scape looms large

Planes sirens

They are both a hot mess

Door knob to hot closet that never shits is shaking

Pause for the cause

(the cause being my bedtime)

Gonna switch to something with a better signal and finish that first

OMG wtf the light refractor is floating why was it in the closet?

Omg plot point i couldn't hear

Gravity?

Soil samples (documentary)

High chromium

Earthquake

Wait is the inside of the closet glowing

Now the light is communicating with them

Quartz deposit

More meta

Why did you play youselves reenactment

I love that's is just a series of conspiracy theories

I read this ted talk, i saw this reddit post

Cyotes again

Ace

Pulling random unexplainable things weaving them together

Snake skin

Just random things

Found an old ass recorder like old ass

With sacred number tape on it

Pythagoras

The rose croutons?

Dream logic

Numerology crystals

City planner 1908

Like full ideas of reference

Literally just picked up a rock at 1908 coordinates that had a strip of paper with w website in it

The guy with hx of mental illness ace is uh keeps trying to back out - John new guy

Crystal resonates with sound

There's the symphony conspiracy theory

The crystal almost fell on his head when he was asleep but did why do you sleep in that room with it

Let alone the apartment at all

Levi

Not they are full on literally every single idea of reference

Now they are talking about simulations after seeing a glitch in the stop crosswalk

Mind control cat parasites - which i just heard about

This month

The phenomenon is dried up

John wants to leave as planned

The levi guy made up a bunch of shit and broke in somewhere told john some kies starting to fabric stuff

Lol this tablet was used to design the city

Now my plant is alien in nature ,(from my own grandmas nursery)

Eat the cactus fruit

Inside the cactus fruit is morse code!!!!!!

Here they are

Lol he's been lying from the jump even about the book

Coordinates

Old ass radio on a loop

Redacted script

Very convenient

John tried to do another idea of reference but lim? Levi shut him down

About his spearfishing

Radiation?

Old ass raio

Levi in an effort to fabricate more stuff erased the original stuff

Melted the hard drive

Just when john wanted to go again

The phenomenon started back up

And the guy keeps digging into his criminal history

Even then he wants him to stay

They are fully fighting and dragging each other

Oo literally dragged his sister into it then when he broke he smiled

Like a sicko

It's a full scale read fest very intense

WHILE THE MOST PHENOMENON THAT HAD EVER HAPPENED IS HAPPENING

and they are ignoring it fighting each other

There's an earthquake and not they are drawing a truce

Levi is floating the crystal went high and cracked

John ? Was floating too?

But off the balcony???

Fin

#graywatchhorror23 #something in the dirt #honestly I'm old and after my event i got too tired #as a treat i picked Moorehead and Benson

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