#bro tryed telling me that this bus doesn't stop there

[beuxwhoyouare]

Getting Away with It

I almost got away with it. Truthfully, I didn't even know I would go as far as taking him out. But I mean he had it coming, I heard all the horrible things he had done that I could hear through the penthouse walls in the building I worked in. All the times he'd abuse a partner, slur people in the halls, not to mention act like he was a god because he made good money in sales or whatever.

He crossed a line one day, as I saw him nudge someone into the street nearly getting them hit by a bus. So sure was it right to take him out? Maybe not, but did I feel good taking one bad person off the streets...absolutely. Unfortunately, what I did was caught on camera and the legal system takes that narrative with no context and runs with it.

So I mean yeah I almost got away with a drastic good deed. But now I'm here on a life sentence for murder. I like routine in my day and in here the days are so regimented it's not exactly the kind of routine I find myself a fan of. I remained on good behaviour until the guards took pity on me and recommended me for supervised community service aid. Basically, still in jail but instead of working a job in jail, I could go out and help them clean garbage off the side of the road with parolees on the outside and random others doing a "good deed."

That's where I met Jacob. He was on parole for driving while intoxicated. Truthfully, I find that way worse than what I did. Like that feels so selfish...getting behind the wheel while drunk. Despicable. But clearly it's been the catalyst for him to turn his life around. He was in jail for a year and been on parole ever since. He started working out in jail while getting certified as a trainer. There aren't alot of jobs life after lockup that don't discriminate against you for your record so it makes sense that he'd want to do something where you can be your own boss.

We were in the van being taken to the stretch of highway in between developing parts of the city. It's crazy how looking north and south you can see parts of town and smack in the middle there's this road with tall weeds and shrubbery lining it. We were joined by a class of university student volunteers who were advised to keep their distance from us. Something we all sort of ignored since there's so much trash to pick up.

"Hey Lu, I gotta show you this thing this crazy old hippie gave me back in town." Jacob quietly told me as we scoured the brush for bottles.

"Dude we have things to do and I don't really want them to take me off this shift." I begrudgingly replied.

"Nah nah the guards aren't even looking at us they're flirting with the female students over there."

Sure enough our bozo headed guards were chatting it up with some girls that were supposed to be helping us. That's when I glanced over and saw Jacob holding what looked like an antiqued golden coin or rounded stone with a symbol scratched into it.

"The dude gave it to me in a box and said if you hold it in your hand and then make skin-to-skin contact with someone else you like transfer consciousness."

"So I see life on the outside is just as crazy as it is in here."

"You mean to tell me you don't even think it could be a little bit true? C'mon bro this could be your chance to get out out of jail. Shit if you don't try it I might as well. I'm tired of all these probationary restrictions. I just wanna hit restart."

"You're already out. It can't be that bad?" I said as I turned around to see him sneakily hurrying off towards one of the college students.

"Shit what is he doing."

I rushed over to where Jacob was and pulled him by the loops of his jeans to not cause a scene. Stopping straight next to one of the students picking up trash a little bit away from his group.

"Dude I don't know what you're aiming to do but if it doesn't work you're the one that's going to look like the insane paroled convict with an ambiguous item in his hand that could be misconstrued as a weapon."

"Listen, if it works it works, but if it doesn't there's no harm no foul and we can call it all a joke."

Before I could even protest, Jacob turned on his confident charisma to whistle over the nearby student. As the curious student walked closer I could hear the narrative Jacob was intricately weaving pretending to care about what he was studying and if he could tell us both more about it.

"I'm so sorry kid, I didn't even catch your name. I'm Jacob and this is Lu." he said with a devlish smile.

"I'm Mark." he said with a slight hesitance.

"Well Mark you shared so much with me can I share something with you? A party game you can take with you to your friends back at school?"

"Uh sure yeah."

"So you find a smaller coin or stone and one person places their hand on the bottom of it and the other on top. The person with their hand on the bottom has to try to and tap the person with their hand on top without flinching"

These rules made absolutely no sense and why would they Jacob's plan was himbo incarnate. Like it was so dim I could see Mark tense up and begin to shift away back towards his friends. He tried to say goodbye to Jacob but that's when I saw this crazed energy flood Jacob's eyes. The next things that happened felt like a blur in slow motion.

Mark turned around to return to his classmates with haste. Jacob quickly began following without running to not alert the guards yet shouting for him to wait up because it's all good fun. And before I knew it I took off running to stop Jacob from taking advantage of an innocent person.

Jacob leaped at Mark and tackled him to the ground but it's only the moment when I got there to break it up did the guards finally notice what was going on, rushing over.

He pulled the stone out and tried to grasp at Marks leg under his wider legged jean, while I reach out to stop that hand. THEN BAM. Everything became darker and several flashes of light happened.

When I came to the guards were pulling me up. I heard what I thought was Mark's voice saying the one in the jumpsuit attacked him. But I didn't run after him? As things pulled back into focus for my eyes after the darkened haze. I saw Mark being calmed down by a professor and a guard but then I saw who he was point at.....I was my body but I was to the other side.....

My body turned to me matching my confused expression and began crying hysterically asking what was going on. I looked down and saw the confirmation of what happened. I was wearing Jacob's clothing. And if my body's surprised too....then that means....God no!

The guards rangled up the convicts and put them all shackled back onto the van as another came to apologize to the university professor and her class along with "Mark". Another guard came up to me saying he knows that Lu is a murderer and that I didn't start any of this so I was getting a slap on the wrist, especially after "Mark" insisted I tried to stop the attack. The guards left and told the rest of us we could go.

The student approached me with that same devilish smile I recognized from before. His voice coming out unfamiliar in sound but with an all too familiar malice.

"Hey thank you again from saving me from that gruesome murderer mister. I didn't even catch your name. I'm Mark." he said with a wink.

"Jacob what the fuck are you doing?" I frantically asked.

"I'm giving you a way to get away with it all and me a clean start. But I gotta go back to school so here take my number down." the imposter student airdropped his details to me before scurrying away.

I was still in shock from everything that just happened. Like this cannot be real how the hell is this happening. Where do I go okay I can do this. I fumbled through my wallet as I searched for an address to head to. Eventually I made my way to Jacob's place. It was a hotel that was turned into extended stay studio.

I walked into the foreign "home" that was now all mine. My heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. This can't be happening that poor kid is now in jail. Oh god....wait. I'm not on the run why am I this stressed. Think think how do I fix this. An exercise ball peaked out from the side of the bed. My new athletic stature made me think maybe catering to it's physical senses could help me breath and calm down.

I did a few crunches but still felt a pang of guilt hitting my stomach. Oh god I need to fix this but where is the coin? I can't leave that kid incarcerated, that's robbing him of his whole life. Almost like clockwork my new phone buzzed with a text.

"Hey. Thanks again for saving me stud." the unknown number made itself known with that context.

"Jacob we need to fix this. That poor kid doesn't deserve this."

"Who's Jacob? This is Mark! And I think I deserve all the opportunity I've worked hard to get. Hey by any chance have bodily urges hit you? I'm not gay but after the incident when I saw you I got realllll hard all of sudden. I think this kid's gay or something."

I was furious reading these texts still skirting responsibility.

"Enough! Where are you we have to talk this is ridiculous."

The phone buzzed as I opened to see a location pin as a picture came in...my jaw dropped.

"Oh you wanna meet irl daddy? Come on over."

I stormed over to the location of the pin…I’m not going to let him get away with this.

[mynameisbillandimaheadcase]

This is why NO ONE pays for their ticket

The bus driver passed my stop and is trying to gaslight me into believing that it doesn't exist even though it was on the fucking screen

I am currently in the middle of nowhere waiting for the route to start again so I can go home 😭😭😭

Not to mention that nearly all busses have broken windows and arrive at best 20 minutes late

Help

[kanagenwrites]

So. Tuesday sucked.

We've all had a chance to come down from the "what the fuck" of it all, and we're starting to see the usual circular firing squad. Lots of lib centrists are doing everything they can to throw trans people, minorities, and basically anyone who isn't a finance bro under the bus, as is (very tiresome) tradition after both victories and defeats in the Democratic Party. I will be 42 years old in a few months, so this is far from the first time I've seen it, and sadly, I'm sure it won't be the last. To the lib centrists and those carrying water for them: This never works. Please stop trying it. Trans issues were not a major motivator; I'll get into that below. Sit down, kids, it's time for Auntie Kana's Fireside Dialectics.

One thing I've noticed is that a lot of my followers are significantly younger than me. (Imagine that, an audience that skews young on Tumblr.) A lot of you folks probably haven't been following politics for very long, and you've been able to participate in them for even less time than that. For some of you this is probably your first election as an adult, and it kinda feels like everything blew up in your face, doesn't it? I was about your age for 2000, when the election was nakedly stolen by George W. Bush, and not much older for 2004, when despite his disastrous presidency Bush the Younger rode a wave of 9/11-brained racism to the last popular vote victory the GOP had prior to (likely) this year. So I get it. I really do.

If you're living in the USA you have probably had a subpar education in politics and civics. This is largely by design - education is horrendously underfunded and there is a sustained attack on the ability of teachers to even discuss things like the Civil Rights Movement, the legacy of slavery in the United States, the genocide this country was founded on, and so on and so forth. Economic education isn't much better; you very likely got a short lecture on basic supply and demand and an argument-from-authority that "socialism doesn't work." All this combines to leave a lot of folks totally baffled as to how something like this election happens.

But it's pretty simple. It's just material conditions. That's it. What the media isn't telling you (because there's no profit in it, and the media is nothing but a clickbait engine when they aren't open propagandists) is that there has been a massive anti-incumbent wave of elections across the world. How massive? Japan's LDP, which has held power almost uninterrupted since the establishment of Japan's postwar democracy, managed to lose their recent election.

And why are material conditions so shitty? That's a complicated question, but a lot of it is the fact that we had a lengthy period of low inflation followed by a period of extremely high inflation due to the absolutely botched response to the Covid-19 pandemic. A bag of Doritos used to be 2.50, and now it's like 6 bucks. That's worse than all the inflation (and naked price-gouging, because there's a lot of that going on too) I experienced in my life prior to 2020, squeezed into the space of a year or two. This smacks everyone in the face every time they buy groceries, and while the government and the Federal Reserve were doing everything they could to manage inflation (and understand what a big deal it is for me, the anarcho-communist, to say that the US actually did an extremely fucking good job of doing it, because every other country on Earth had it worse than we did), they did fuck all to actually improve the material conditions people were experiencing. Wages were not keeping up with the cost of living, and price-gouging wasn't being dealt with.

Remember the 600 bucks Joe Biden still owes you? The American electorate sure the fuck does. Invisible backrooms liberal wonkery does not connect, regardless of whether it works or not, but going back on a promise? People remember that shit.

It's a rare incumbent that could win in an environment like this, especially when tied to a track record of doing exactly fucking nothing to actually help people from the perspective of the vast majority of the population. Kamala Harris was not that incumbent. She was a singularly uninspiring candidate who failed to connect with voters so thoroughly that she was on track to lose her home state in the 2020 Democratic primary. Nobody liked her (except a few very eager and very loud fans in the K-Hive), and speaking as someone who lives in California, I am not surprised she ate shit. She was a terrible choice for VP and a terrible choice of successor for Biden, but because Biden('s handlers) insisted on pretending he wasn't obviously declining before our very eyes, Harris, a singularly uninspiring candidate, had three months to build and run a campaign.

And it was still weirdly close.

Now, there's two possibilities: Either she actually ran an amazing campaign and it's incredible that it was even this close, or Trump is just so loathsome that even in a massively anti-incumbent environment he didn't bring anyone new to the table. Given that Trump is on-track to receive less votes this time than he did in 2020, and how many of those votes seem to have been cast for Trump and no one else down-ballot, I think it's more of the latter than the former. Trump brought the usual suspects, while Kamala successfully drove away voters that even Joe fucking Biden and Hillary fucking Clinton were able to bring home. Not on the left, not in minority demographics, but across the board. After all, if things are horrible and you're being promised that "nothing will fundamentally change," (literally an early-presidency quote from Joe Biden, whose agenda Kamala Harris 100% aligned herself with) and keeping in mind that the average American voter is not nearly so plugged into the minutiae and the day to day of politics (as evinced by the sudden peak in google searched for "Did Joe Biden drop out?" on Tuesday), why the fuck would you bother to vote?

Hopefully you have a better idea how we got here now. The question, of course, is where do we go from here? I will probably continue posting about this from time to time, especially if there's interest, but my advice is this:

We are still here. We will be here tomorrow, and the day after, and the day after that, and so on. Plan accordingly.

Things will get fucked up. Things will always get fucked up. That is the nature of things no matter who is running the government. Plan accordingly.

Organize. Develop parallel structures of power and assistance, because the government is likely going to be even more useless to directly assist you than it already was. Our greatest strength is each other, and our ability to care for and help one another.

I have been here before. You will be here again. It always feels like it's the worst thing ever to happen. That never really goes away, but your ability to deal with it, to plan around it, to endure it, and to rise up again on the other side of it and say "No, fuck you" is entirely under your control and within your capabilities. And you will get better at it as you do it. And you are not doing it alone. None of us are.

Do not give up. Do not surrender. This isn't the end, or the beginning of the end, or even the end of the beginning: it just is.

Now go watch a video of a cat doing something cute, or read some smut, or whatever gives you joy. You can't take care of others unless you take care of yourself. That's General Order #1: Take care of yourself.

Solidarity, y'all.

[illgiveyoueveryfirst]

zb1 after you ask if you can wear their clothes/sweater

wearing the zb1 members' clothes

genre: fluff/platonic/suggestive

warnings: none

a/n: i've never tried a short writing style like this before so let me know what you think!

masterlist

Jiwoong

So you two just started dating when he stays at your place overnight for the first time. As he walks out the door the next day, you notice that he forgot the t-shirt he slept in on your bed. You grab your phone to text him to come back and get it but before you press send, you come up with an idea. The next time you meet, you show up wearing his shirt instead. When he sees you stepping out of the bus, he smiles and shakes his head, "So that's where my shirt went." What he won't admit is that he thought you wearing his clothes would be really cute but he didn't know how to bring it up to you. So instead he left his shirt there on purpose in the hopes that you would wear it.

You've had a crush on your classmate Hao for ages but dude is really bad at catching hints whenever you try to flirt with him. One day you compliment him on one of his hoodies and ask if you could maybe borrow it cause it's your favourite of his. Instead of reading the room, he says that if you like it so much, he can show you where he got it from so you can get it yourself. One of your mutual friends finally has enough and blurts, "Bro, you could probably propose to him and he would still think it's platonic." That's when he finally realises that you've been flirting with him and, after some proper dates, you end up getting together. As a six months anniversary gift he gets the two of you cute matching hoodies, which all your friends think is cringe but neither of you cares.

Zhang Hao

Hanbin

When you invite him to hang out with you, he tells you that he's so busy lately that he can't come. But he still wants to spend time with you so he asks if you wanna accompany him to a dance practice instead. Watching them dance is fun but after some time you get bored just sitting on the side. You see his sweater that he tossed in the corner after getting too hot and decide to tease him a little by stealing it and putting it on yourself. He doesn't notice at first cause he's so focused on his practice but when he notices, he laughs and tells you how cute you look in it. Probably comes over to squish your cheeks and baby you. You still get scolded for taking it without permission but it's all just jokes because he secretly thinks it looks really cute on you.

Matthew

You and him are out on a date at a café which is much fuller than you expected and the last free tables are in the outside area. It's also much colder than what you're dressed for since you were expecting your date to be inside. After seeing you shiver, Matthew offers you his jacket but you refuse at first saying it's not that cold (liar). He insists until you eventually accept it and he gets to wrap his warm jacket around you. In the end you're glad he insisted because it really helps and you're actually able to enjoy your date. Matthew feels a huge sense of pride seeing you in his jacket cause it makes him feel all boyfriend. He probably tells you you look like his cutieful angel in it cause he's weird like that lmao.

Taerae

While on a car ride together on the way to a karaoke night with friends, the car in front abruptly stops causing him to hit the breaks quite harshly. He instinctively puts his arm in front of you. You're fine but the water bottle you were taking a sip from in that exact moment spills all over your pants. Fortunately for you, Taerae keeps a change of clothes in his car. Unfortunately for you, the only pants available are a colourful messy pair of sweatpants that really clash with the rest of your otherwise kinda fancy black outfit. Your friends all (affectionately) laugh when they see you but after explaining the backstory, it becomes the highlight of the night. Inside jokes about it are brought up even months later and it becomes a happy memory.

Ricky

Dude owns way too many dress up shirts and button ups so one time when you're getting ready for a date, you ask if you can wear one of them tonight. "I just wanna look as fancy as you do all the time." He tells you that you always look perfect just the way you are (what a flirt smh). "But if you wanna dress fancy, maybe we can try on some outfits together." After seeing you change in and out of some of his clothes, he has something else on his mind. "You know what? Maybe you would look best in no clothes at all." Date night is cancelled, y'all are staying home if you know what I mean.

Gyuvin

You're in the kitchen trying to get some snacks from a shelf after the two of you decide to watch a movie together. Regardless of how tall you are, gyuvin probably put them up way too high for you to reach I have a thing for gyuvin's height okay this is gonna come up a lot. When he sees you trying to climb the counter to reach it, he offers to help "since you're too tiny to reach it". You get defensive and tell him youre not that short but all he replies with is "Are you kidding? You'd probably drown in one of my hoodies." "No, I wouldn't, you're not that much taller." Instead of arguing back, he gets one of his hoodies and asks you to put it on to prove his point. Oh, you're definitely drowning in it but it's okay cause he finds it really cute and hugs you tight in it. You try to be mad at him but he's way too adorable and you end up having a big hoodie cuddle session during the movie.

Gunwook

You don't even have to ask for his clothes because he will offer his hoodie/jacket/etc every available chance whether you're dating or not. Just a constant stream of "Are you cold? Do you want my hoodie?" or "Are you sure you don't want my scarf?" He pretends he doesn't need them because he's "not even that cold". He's definitely cold but will never admit it and tries real hard to hide his shivering from you so you don't refuse his offers. You notice it anyway but don't say anything because you know it's his way of showing he cares. we love a respectful man

Yujin

This may just be a stereotype because he's young but I don't think he's ever properly dated before. So when you tell him you love the way he smells, he gets all flustered and happy. Like huge smile on his face and all. Then one day he gets an idea after you tell him you wish you could fall asleep next to him every night. From there on he always brings an extra shirt to change into when he visits you so he can give you the shirt he wore all day and you can fall asleep with it in your arms every night.

[chamotate]

tell me about that theo chap mr homo man

SIR YES SIR!!!

ill be honest my lore for theo is kinda vague bc hes just kinda there as a character that changes people and whatnot

Alright, so Theo comes from a very poor background, living in London's slums with his 4 siblings. He learnt how to sneak around and how to steal. When he met Sharon he was in LOVE. Not just because he was attracted to her, but also because she actually cared about him and shit. She actually made him feel worthy of life. But he was rejected....a lot.... This guy could NOT take a hint.

Anyway time to get chronological.

1933, Theo hears a lot of talk about Germany, he didn't care much about it, he didn't really pay attention to what was said. All he cared about was knowing his best friend got in to medical school and that was awesome. He spent weeks wondering if he could've ever been as successful as Sharon... maybe if he had the money.

1939, Theo hears there's a new war around and they need to prepare men for the front, but he's still too young to go, being only 16 at this point. This doesn't stop him from applying though, after all, what else was there for him to do? Maybe if he could prove himself to be a hero, maybe he could help his family.

Of course, he's not accepted because the dumbass used his real age, but he decides to wait it out. Wait until Sharon is accepted, he couldn't go without her.

1940, Theo liked to hang around the Underground stations. There was something so amusing about swarms of people packing into tiny stations. Occasionally, he would guide a few people, there were loads of new foreigners trying to escape Germany and its neighbouring countries of course. But there was one girl, Ida, that just stuck out to him. It was almost as she made herself more helpless, just for his assistance - to Theo, this meant true love. Usually he would just point somewhere, tell someone what bus to take, where to turn, that would be it. He didn't really know how, but she had somehow convinced him to be carrying all her luggage and following her behind like a dog. There was something weird about her mannerisms, but he just assumed it was just a... cultural thing??

Whatever it was, he was happy to be in her presence. But she was married. (BUDDY BRO IS NEVER GOING TO FIND LOVE.)

She left a few weeks later, without any explanation. Theo assumed he did something wrong... but then he finally realised.

That whole time, she was using him. She wasn't some helpless anti-war refugee from Germany. She was a fucking Nazi who just manipulated him into protecting her until the bombing in Germany ended. How was he so fucking stupid???

1941, he's in the trenches. It was NOT as advertised. He was cold, terrified, he wanted to be home again. He wanted to be safe.

He woke up every night, shaking, his brain tortured him with pictures of his comrades, mutilated. He couldn't escape, even in his dreams. His whole routine was: wake up, kill, eat, kill more, sleep. It was all he knew now. The routine would keep him safe. If he just kept focused on killing the enemy... don't think about the enemy, don't think about what they look like, stay numb and kill... surely he would be fine. That definitely wouldn't affect him at all!!!!

Theo finally had enough. It had been months. He couldn't take it.

Lucky for him, it was all over. He had been shot and he fell back on a rusty nail which cut his side, he yelled in pain. But he felt it was over. He smiled. Laughed even. The last thing he saw was Sharon's face. It was the best way to die. That was the only person he needed to see.

[the-gayest-show]

you know guys they weren't wrong about the episodes "house's head" and "wilson's heart"

they actually were underestimating how bad it gets. actually

you know. those people. they made a point. they were like "OMG house's head wilson's Heart" and I saw some cool fucking FANART and I'm like "damn what could possibly happen" and then....

spoilers under the cut.

i can't do this. Wilson suffering montage is not what I wanted to keep me up at night. I think amber's ok but her death was so hard on Wilson I sobbed when he did look at this mans GLOWING BROWN EYES AND TELL ME YOU DIDN'T WANT TO HUG HIM AS SOON AS HE BROKE DOWN IN TEARS

dear Tumblr it's 1:30 am in the morning I started a mdnight push thru of this episode i'm not the same man I was 43 minutes ago do you FUCKING hear me

even HOUSE got in tears. and NOW he feels Wilson is gonna blame him and house blames himself and wishes HE died in the fucking bus crash and not the healthy young doctor i'm going to ducking die I'm going insane

like bro. it started off ok with house's head, yeah? I LOVED the direction. it was going great! we had these fun montages of house trying to rejog his memory by almost killing himself and seeing hallucinations everywhere. we had oh so much going on. Wilson isn't too bad in this one. Wilson is fine, house is probably on the verge of killing himself and everyone's like "you know you should stop actually" but he doesn't and then we end off with "you know the 2nd sick patient is AMBER" *credits roll, immediately clicks next episode*

but then it got BAD. wilson's heart got me crying. like ok i'll admit I knew amber was gonna die that was smth I kept in the back of my mind but wilson. he made it happen. ok first off, credits where they're do to the director of both episodes and the actors. Wilson was sobbing so hard I STARTED SOBBING. Robert Sean Leonard you son of bitch when I CATCH YOU RSL I WILL HUG YOU TO OBLIVION

he's not like any other patient's family ever he cries the biggest tears and goes absolutely feral. idk how amber felt towards bro but Wilson is in LOVE with her. it SHOWS. did you see how hard he SOBBED during that episode when they said she was going to die I was crying too

no but then Wilson he uh forces house to rejog his memory one last time and then the WORST MONTAGE EVER STARTS. THEY PLAY THE MOST FITTING EMOTIONAL SONG AND SHOW EVERYONE AFTER AMBER'S DEATH IM SOBBING IM ON THE FLOOR I SAW THE OG 3 REUNITE I WANTED TO THROW MY LAPTOP ACROSS THE ROOM (a feeling that has occurred multiple times in 40 mins)

NONONO BUT THEN. THEN WE GET HOUSE IN THE DREAM/COMA SEQUENCE. HE'S SITTING NEXT TO AMBER (DEAD) AND THEY TLK ABOUT IT.

HOUSE DOESN"T WANT TO GO BACK TO CONSIOUSNESS BC HE'S SCARED WILSON WILL HATE HIM AND HE WONDERS SMTH ABOUT THE DRUG ADDICT (HIM) GETTING TO DIE IN BUS CRASHES WHILE THE YOUNG ONE LIVES BUT IT DIDN'T HAPPEN DIDN'T IT AND THEN BRO'S LIKE RIDDLED WITH GUILT AND THEN SFOUWBFSUBF

END SCENE. WILSON COMES UP TO AN ALMOST AWOKEN HOUSE AND THEN

HE LEAVES. HE GETS OUT OF THE ROOM HE LOOKS AT HOUSE AND HE EXITS THE PREMISES. SOB.

OH MY GOD. IM SO GLAD CUDDY IS THERE AT LEAST BUT OH MY GOD. HOUSE. THIS IS YOUR ONLY FRIEND. YOUR BEST FRIEND. THE FRIEND. SEASON 5...................................

save me season 5 save me or else house writers are catching these hands

[snickerdoodlles]

📓 Please :D

:D!

so this one was inspired by a prompt i saw somewhere in the 2023 BBS exchange (i don't remember which one tho...sorry 😖). it didn't happen because this year's so far been eaten by irl stuff, but the premise is the engineering gang follows Pat to the ep6 architecture retreat.

they are Here To Help

(it's Korn's fault. he dropped in on Pat packing and texted the groupchat ALERT ALERT ALERT WE GOTTA SUPPORT OUR BRO and somehow Chang "i'm always here for chaos" is already waiting for them on the bus and Mo "stupid things now, ask questions never" is being dragged along by his ear and only stopping to check his emergency snack supply)

none of them know what's going on. they figure out Pat has a crush because they're actually very astute when it comes to sussing out Pat's feelings. that is as far as they get tho, because they are ridiculous walnuts who can't connect dots.

not that that matters. they don't know what Pat's up to, but they're gonna be Here For Him if it's the last thing they do.

Pat doesn't get a chance to bother Pran on the bus with engineering bothering him. Pran tells himself that's a good thing, he doesn't want Pat bothering him anyways.

Wai doesn't spend the whole time glaring at them, mostly because they're all stuck on the bus and the engineering gang's sitting behind him. he’s gritting his teeth but he’s chill. honest.

Chompoo thinks it is the funniest thing ever and, with the full confidence this will either force the two groups to chill or escalate things in the most hilarious way possible, flirts with the engineering boys until Louis is red in the face. Toto does a dramatic spit take when she and Korn exchange line IDs.

the engineering gang occupies Pat's attention when they get off the bus. Pran tells himself that's a good thing, he doesn't want Pat bothering him anyways.

Korn, while throwing out his plastic water bottle: FUCK I FORGOT TO PACK MY UNDERWEAR Pat, seeing Pran make a bitchy face at that but not a single instance of his puppy eyes: >:TTTT

Korn, Chang, and Mo remember halfway through the newspaper game that they are Investigating and promptly fall all over themselves. Pran and Pat's Newspaper Moment(TM) gets cut short in the ruckus. Pran tells himself this is a good thing, he doesn't want Pat bothering him anyways.

(Pran takes to wandering to hidden nooks and crannies alone. this is absolutely not by design, can you not read his bitchy irritation Pat, why are you bothering him now Pat.)

Pat and Pran ironically get a lot of time alone because engineering gang's causing a ruckus trying to figure out why Pat wants to hang out with architecture instead of them and running excellent interference mostly by accident. Pat gives them all gold star stickers, which they bear with great pride and much confusion.

Korn goes on a series of on/off dates with Chompoo, aka the most popular architecture student, after this. this causes such a jealous uproar that Pat and Pran eventually getting together is barely a stir, the gossips will gossip but the rest of them are so over it.

Pat still gets his dramatic staircase confession tho. tis essential.

i'm not writing this because i want to write my 'grasshoppers and elephants' fic more than i do this one, but sometimes it still likes to pop into my head and sparkle as it spins.

[[ ask me about fics im not writing ]]

[wearingmyfavoritesweatshirt]

kind of a follow-up to my last post

vent post

tw for sh relapse, invalidation, suicide, tell me if I need to add anything cuz idk

this got longer than I thought so were gonna put a little cut here

my best friend invalidates me a shit ton. I know they've gone thru stuff too, and some of its worse than mine, but still, I feel like they shouldn't be invalidating me.

I could be having a really shitty day, and it wouldn't matter because their day is more shit. I could have the best day of my life, and it doesn't matter because there's was bad. they can't be happy for me. the only time they have a good day is when I do, and most of the time, they're talking over me and won't let me finish what I'm saying.

it could be the smallest thing. one time I said that someone told me, "you would swallow" on the bus. they said something along the lines of "well at least your mom's boyfriend didn't say that to you," and proceeds to vent about their moms bf sexualizing them. I think thats totally fine if you do it once in a while, but they do it EVERY. TIME. their life is ALWAYS worse than mine somehow. I'm not exaggerating. when I say always, I mean it.

there was a time where it felt like I was more of a therapist than a friend to them and ir really upset me because all they would do is vent and whenever I would vent they just wouldn't care. so I stopped actually helping people with their problems and started just saying stuff like "sorry about that bro" when I used to type out a really good, helpful paragraph. and now, whenever I want to help someone, I feel like I've lost that ability because of them, and all I can say is that I'm sorry for them. it's starting to feel like I'm their therapist again.

sometimes I feel like they try to invalidate me without me knowing. like they'll turn it into a joke. I told them about a sh relapse, and they "joked" that you've never "actually" sh'd unless you've gone for the wrists. right after I told them about me RELAPSING.

It always feels like it's lies, and I think just from this small bit of me venting, you can see how. I don't want to be friends with them anymore, but I don't feel like I can cut ties because a. it feels like a codependent relationship at this point, and I just keep coming back even tho I know what they'll say to me and how they'll act. and b. I have a bad feeling that they'll kill themselves or something. it might just me another one of their possible lies (I have a feeling it is, but I'm never gonna say that to their face because that would be shitty).

I can't do this anymore, and I've been trying to slowly distance myself, and they've been noticing because, like an hour and a half ago they said they were afraid of us drifting apart. I'm scared they'll do something to themselves, but I want this all to stop because it's just digging me into a deeper and deeper hole. possibly the worst part is that no matter how much I try to distance myself, I keep coming back. it's the codependent thing, idk. I'll just find myself texting them about something I'd only tell a close friend even tho I dint want to be close with them anymore

this got way longer than I thought it would. I guess it just goes to show how much it upsets me.

[txxxciii]

Welcome to pride month Mortal Kombat headcanons part 2!! I'll leave the link to the first part in the end of this post.

If you thought I'd go in a chronological order, like how I started with MK9 and should do MKX, but no. I'm just doing it in a completely random order. When will I stop? Who knows. :)

Amyways

MORTAL KOMBAT (2021) LGBT HEADCANONS

(Note: any characters I don't include I most likely consider cis straight. Another heads-up, I didn't feel like screenshoting the characters, so I'll instead use fanmade icons, but since I don't want to accidentally be disrespectful, I won't add in any flags. Also, for certain reasons, Cole and his family are entirely absent)

[ICON BY instewv (deactivated)]

BI-HAN (HE/HIM) — HOMOSEXUAL

Man is legit so thirsty he fucking killed his crush's family /j

In all honesty, as much as I love bireena and think they're destined to be together (but every time something's wrong), I cannot comprehend the thought of 2021!Bi-han unironically liking women. Something about that fight with Hanzo just felt intimate, y'know... (if you ignore the awful camera work). Alas, he's the type of a gay person you wouldn't respect, and shouldn't, in fact.

[ICON BY instewv (deactivated)]

SONYA BLADE (SHE/HER) — AROMANTIC ASEXUAL

2021!Sonya is sooo me fr fr. Like, the attitude? The humor? The fact that she lives somewhere in a dirt hole? The nerdy fixation?? Slay though, queen.

With everything said and checked, it's only natural that I will project my own identity into her. I feel like during her more youthful days she'd try to find some kind of a crush or a partner so she can relate to her peers, but each time it felt like a waste of space and energy. It's only when got into Special Forces that she completely gave up.

She respects people who share her mindset, or those who simply don't have the charm. She cannot stand, however, if someone insists on "fixing her" with a saying "I'm not like the other guys you've been with!". Those types of guys wake up in a dumpsite with their faces covered in bruises.

[ICON BY instewv (deactivated)]

KUNG LAO (HE/HIM) — HOMOSEXUAL

Every iteration of Kung Lao is gay in my headcanons. The way it's presented is different.

Kung Lao, as a monk, cannot commit himself to marrying someone, therefore, falling in love is also off the list. The difficulties in maintaining a cold-hearted demeanor began when he was assigned as a temporary supervisor to Liu Kang and his heart began to melt (side note: THEY'RE NOT COUSINS! IT'S A MISTRANSLATION! THE WORD LIU USES ROUGHLY MEANS "A STUDENT SENIOR"! READ JOHN TOBIAS' TWEETS WHERE HE DISPROVES THIS MISCONCEPTION! ALSO LIU LITERALLY SAID HE'S AN ORPHAN HOW THE FUCK WOULD HE HAVE A COUSIN? THINK, MK FANDOM, THINK! sorry I'm just so sick of seeing this same statement over and over again. back to hc ^^☆). Lao knew he felt something for Liu, but was it simple friendly love, or more? He couldn't tell, as he didn't have anyone close prior to Liu Kang. Sometimes, his anxiousness becomes so intense he isolates himself, but not for long until Liu brings him down to ground.

[ICON BY instewv (deactivated)]

LIU KANG (HE/THEY) — DEMISEXUAL, DEMIBOY

I'd imagine it's hard to get to know Liu Kang on a meaningful level, not because he's avoidant, but because 99% of the time you wouldn't know what the fuck is bro thinking about (only Kung Lao could decipher the code, and he doesn't share). Liu, in general, is pretty apathetic towards people, but once he likes you, he'll let you know. Whether it's regular private talks, sharing what's his or, hell, even saying "I like you" straightforwardly.

Don't ask why he's a demiboy though. It fits the vibes ok!!

(Insert meme: "Demiboy is a spectrum", on one end - 2021!Liu Kang, on the other - 2011!Baraka)

[ICON BY evaporated-milf]

KANO (HE/HIM) — PANSEXUAL

"For you, I don't have any standards" should speak for itself.

He's that one guy who'd fantasize about being in a str/p club with all those present in the room with him right now. But then he doesn't actually do anything romantic or sexual, he just bashes someone's head against the wall.

(Bro really meant it when he suggested Liu and Lao s/ck him off in that dinner scene /j/j/j)

[ICON BY evaporated-milf]

MILEENA (SHE/HER) — BISEXUAL

Mileena is bi and it's canon, though I feel like 2021!Mileena would be masc-leaning. Doesn't mean she can't feel attracted to ladies (like girl you know you didn't need to lay on top of Sonya like that right?), but with how she's basically surrounded by men, it's obvious she'll notice her attraction with them easier.

[ICON BY evaporated-milf]

KABAL (HE/HIM) — HOMOROMANTIC ASEXUAL

Listen, at first I headcanoned 2021!Kabal as aroace since it just made sense in my eyes. But then I watched the Behind the scenes video where they said that Kabal carries Stryker's badge, "his fallen partner", and I'm like "Okay man, weird way of coming out but congrats". That's when I thought I should just make him homoace as a way of satisfying both the demon and the angel on my shoulders.

———

I didn't bother to include Raiden (genderfluid aroace) and Shang Tsung (genderfluid) since the reasoning would be the same.

This was way more fun to write as MK2021 is my niche interest that I unironically love despite knowing it's absolute trash ^^)

Anyways byeee and happy pride month!

Part 1 (Mortal Kombat 9)

[x-xsunlightx-x]

Can you write Y/N getting threats from a secret olly wang admirer because she works with Gun and goo? 👀

Thanks for the request 💜😭

------------------------------------------------------------------------------" What the fuck"

There were black pills every where in your room , in the floor, in your bed , in the table , Even inside the flower vases. You just went inside of your bedroom after A long meeting with Charles Choi, just to find it completely ruined, Even the security cameras were broken . You took a picture of the room and sent it to the group chat:

You : Thoughts?

And immediately goo started typing

Goo : @Gun our girl got a Secret admirer ♥️

You : Are you serious

Gun : What the hell

You closed your phone and decided to search for anything that may tell you who was behind this , And then you remembered where have you Seen this pills before. Workers. They used to sell them for olly wang and you even heard they Tricked Big deal leader, Sinu han, to take them , But you don't think Eugene would be the type of a person to do something like this , Perhaps it was Goo ? But he doesn't hates you enough to do something like this , and this would require him to do so much work and his lazy ass would never. You kept walking around the room , And went to check your bed, you felt Something hard under your pillow . It was a piece of a yellow metal that seems to be taken from a bus because a little bit of the word " School" was written in it

" Wow it must really be a psychopath who did this "

your phone kept buzzing so you went to check it :

Gun : Where did she disappear?

Goo : Bro she is already dea-

Nevermind , You closed your phone again and looked at the metal in your hand , You turned it around and there was a note written in it :

Am not dead yet - Olly wang

...

you couldn't help but laugh

" I can't believe Some olly wang wannabe did all of this just to Scare me . I gotta say am impressed , if you're still here creep I want you to know you have the wrong target, Gun was the one who caused your lover downfall "

You went to the living room again just to find the word " BITCH " Written in the TV this Time. Thats new . So that means The creep is still here, With you , all alone ,inside of your house . You really wanted to go back to the bedroom and bring your phone but Something was telling you not to

" Fuck this" You ran straight to the door and just kept running outside until you were far away from your apartment , you stopped when you reached a Super market That was near by . You went inside and Borrowed the cashier phone to call gun and goo to pick you up . While waiting for them, you couldn't help but look at the direction of your apartment, trying to figure out who would do this .

" I guess the dead came back again to fuck me over "

[forbidding-souda]

How about fuyuhiko and gundham with a male s/o, where they're out in public and have to deal with homophobia?

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu and Gundham Tanaka with their boyfriend dealing with homophobia

i was just walking to the bus the other day and a truck filled with bro dudes pulled to the side of the side and yelled slurs at me before driving away i was like bruh

it's funny bc i'm deaf and they were yelling paragraphs and i was standing there texting someone as they pulled up and i was thinking oh my god i can't text and try to listen to people at the same time so i looked up and then caught the word faggot and i was like ohhhh that's what this is

currently listening: surfin' bird by ramones

playlist: main playlist

-Mod Souda

Fuyuhiko Kuzuryuu

❤ It originally was a 'double life' for him. He would be a brutal, murderous fiend during the on-hours and during the off-hours he would be a loving boyfriend who kisses your fingers and watches movie with you. As an adult he would hardly think about his sexuality as something he needed to keep hidden, or that it was something he was worried about other people finding out about. The two of you hardly go out in public together at all in the first place. It's mostly because of the fear of letting the public eye see you associate with the yakuza that would ruin your reputation: remove you from your job and get you kicked from social circles. Although, the two of you seemed to stop caring the longer the relationship went on for. As long as Peko goes with you (if you are extremely cautious of your reputation) you can pretend to be outside with her accompanying you rather than the SHSL Yakuza.

❤ Peko is more on the offense than he is. By the mere mention of something microaggressive, no matter if it's directed towards you and your boyfriend or not, she is quick to draw her sword and point it at the culprit. She will hold a glare of indignation in her striking red eyes. He never responds to them unless she threatens them first. The things people say in general are never rejecting the idea of the two of you as a couple, sexuality wise - it is mostly just strangers uncomfortable with the acts of affection you display in public. His stand-off nature is still there - he will still argue with them, showing his teeth and clenching his fists. The amount of threats and curses that leave his lisp is remarkable. But Peko is always the one that strikes.

"You guys are so embarrassing." You whisper under your breath, walking by yourself, listening to Fuyuhiko continuously rattle off insults, going the distance almost an entire building before you let yourself turn around. Someone older had snapped at him to stop wrapping his arm around you, saying something about how indecent homosexual people are, and before Fuyuhiko could even listen to their command Peko pulled her sword. You had cringed, biting your lip and slipping away from his grasp, not excited at all to be in this confrontation. You just wanted to melt into the sidewalk.

"What was that last part, man?" He leaned back, shifting his weight on his feet, raising his hands in the air.

When the passer-byers started to stare, you walked away. And now you stand, leaning against a building, not far away enough for him not to see you, but enough to put yourself out of the eye of everyone else.

A loud drop dead echoes down the street. You close your eyes. Hopefully he doesn't mean that literally.

There is no scream. No people scrambling. You look back at them, glancing to see that the person had ran away. Peko continues to stare at them. You can tell she's debating whether or not to follow.

❤ He isn't even an affectionate person in public. As much as he likes seeming badass and a rule breaker - breaking the rules is something that he hates doing.

❤ But still, when you're tired, or slumped from a long walk, he will put his arm around your waist or shoulder.

❤ Which, you have a theory that he likes it when people call him out. There, in that situation, he gets to prove that he's tough and that he doesn't take anyones shit.

❤ He keeps you away from any harm. And he especially keeps you away from witnessing any. He doesn't want you to see the things that he has to see.

❤ After a confrontation he will always ask if you are okay. He will be clueless on how to comfort you if you are not but he feels a genuine worry about having you in that scene.

❤ He forgets that that even happens to the two of you. His brain logs the situations as one of many - him proving himself successfully and not a sorrowful memory.

❤ So if you bring it up later just know that he is going to be very confused on what you mean.

❤ He doesn't consider them, no matter what they say about his sexuality, to be homophobic, rather annoying as all hell.

.

Gundham Tanaka

❤ Gundham believes that being attracted to men is another reason he is so powerful and god-like. He thinks of it as something outside of the normal and something that makes him more fluid than the average person. He remembers the tale of Amaterasu and Ame no Uzume no Mikoto - the sexual deviance of a same sex relationship. The way it was used to lure is vaguely similar to how he considers your relationship - you lured him in, enticing him with your wicked smile and the shade of your eyes. You are an incubus that was once unforeseeable and addictive. And now you are the one that lingers in his soul - a romantic partner. Someone with astral levels that match his own.

Teenage boys are the people that make Gundham nervous. You try not to consider where this fear would have originated from, although the answer seems rather obvious.

Whenever a group of teenage boys walks by he always closes his trench coat and loosens his shoulders when he quickly walks past. Common ardor ravagers he mutters under his breath. More often than that, outside of a few cackles there is nothing that comes about. No interaction and no public scene.

But in those rare moments where they do, Gundham will whip around, his coat flourishing behind him as he steps up to them.

"Be careful at who you direct your words. I can destroy the world in mere minutes; disintegrate the ground beneath your feet. Your conviction will be detrimental."

He had only begun to resort to such low threats when you told him to stop bringing up the four dark devas of destruction - putting in a lot of effort to inform him that their cute disguises are too genuine and the average person will not find them scary unless they showcase their true power (but please do not do that, Tanaka!).

Still, no one gives you as much trouble as teenage boys do. Just the way they snicker at him - it makes you feel horrible. You stand up for him when you can. Especially since he never seems to be in his usual passionate mood afterwards. He gets quiet.

❤ He likes retelling folk to you, changing the genders so that both of them are male. If you ask, really? they're both men? he will lie and say yes. The look of joy that flashes through your face is something that he will never get over - it's beautiful.

❤ He sometimes mentions the troubles that the two of you face - describing the homophobic things that others will say to him.

❤ You don't think he has ever realized that teenage boys put all their attention onto him rather than you.

❤ Thinking back on moments like those consistently reminds you to shower him in compliments. You make sure to remind him that he is loved every single day. You need him to know that.

❤ He is an incredibly affectionate person when he wants to be. On days where he is in a good mood he will return your kind words with some of his own, going on rambles about how powerful your aura is and how strong your soul is to be able to handle his cosmic energy so close to your natural body. You don't know what any of this means in his head but you take it as a compliment.

❤ He never gets violent. You always think he's going to swing and hit, but he never does. He just glares with his intense eyes before spinning and walking away, leaving you to trail behind him.

[theflyingfeeling]

Medical au with Aleksi as a patient, Olli as a nurse and other boys somewhere there, huh?👀

Here comes! How's about some Aleksi & Joonas and Niko/Joel on the side? 💕

Aleksi has been feeling a little more tired than usual lately. Sure, he's been working a lot more lately too, but once he gets this one project finished he can finally relax for a while

"I don't know man, maybe you should chill a little," says his friend Joonas who has noticed the man being unusually pale

"Pffffffft, it's fiiiiiiiiiine"

Fast forward to the next day, Aleksi randomly passes out in the commuter bus 🙃

He can't remember much of what happened afterwards except for telling the paramedics that he's fine but here he is now, in a ridiculous hospital gown feeling a little ugh

At least the nurse tending to him is cute

The nurse says he's sorry the hospital's a little stuffed and that they're understaffed but they're doing their best to have the rest of his tests done the next day

Aleksi is not sorry at all though, as long as the cute nurse keeps checking on him a little more frequently than is probably needed (and sensible, if they really are short of staff). Neither does he complain when the nurse massages his shoulders for a little bit because he noticed they were awfully tense. It's to help the blood vessels work again, he says, and it's not like Aleksi's gonna stop this cutie from touching his neck gently with his warm, soft hands

The guy on the next bed tells Aleksi he's been waiting for an entire day to have someone see the wound on his palm (a street cat bit him)

There's a third patient in the room too, claiming a bear bit him, but Aleksi assumes he's joking (he's not)

And then there's a blond guy looking at his phone, supposedly a loved one of the one with the cat bite, judging by their wordless conversations. Aleksi contemplates calling Joonas to keep him company as well :(

The cute nurse comes in with their dinners later. He asks them not to tell anyone he smuggled chocolate bars from the canteen for them (yes, even for the dude who's not a patient). Aleksi notices how he gets a raspberry yoghurt filled one, while the others get plain milk chocolate

Apparently the doctor doing Aleksi's brain scan has arrived for the night shift, but Aleksi's not gonna be able to leave until tomorrow anyway so the nurse suggests he lets his exhausted brain rest a little and do it in the morning

Aleksi wants to ask if the cute nurse will still be working in the morning too but isn't ready to let his heart break in case his shift ends earlier and they'll never see each other again

Joonas comes in 15 minutes before visitor time is over, out of breath and in full-on panic mode

"First of all, TURN ON YOUR PHONE MATE I'VE BEEN TRYING TO CALL YOU ALL DAY WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED?! Second of all, I didn't know I was your ICE contact bro that's so romantic? 🥺"

"Wait, you're saying I'm not your ICE person, Joonas? Dude, I'm a little offended"

(Joonas doesn't have an ICE contact, but he has an ominous email scheduled to be sent to all his friends and family members on the supposed date of his death, foreseen by a fortune teller at the farmer's fair the other year)

Joonas pouts and kisses Aleksi's face all over when the cute nurse comes and asks Joonas to leave

(It's Aleksi's POV but I can tell ya, the nurse be like god I wish that were me)

Meanwhile the guy glued to his phone is hiding in the bathroom and once the nurse has wished everyone good night, he comes back and climbs in bed with the guy with the cat bite 💞

The next morning the cute nurse is still there (!!!!) although he looks suuuuuuper tired and only smiles faintly when he greets Aleksi

But is that a blush Aleksi sees when their hands accidentally touch when Aleksi gets out of bed?

Olli walks Aleksi to the brain scan room (such professional vocabulary, I know) and maaaaaaaybe their hands touch again, completely by accident on Aleksi's part at least 😇

His brain is fine btw, and when the blood and other tests are back Aleksi is informed he suffers from low blood pressure, nothing too serious but maybe he should chill for a bit

"Told youuuuuu 🙄" says Joonas who has come to pick him up

As they're leaving Aleksi sees the cute nurse waiting for a bus at the hospital's bus stop, practically sleeping while standing up

"Oh man, I think I forgot my gloves inside. You can go ahead to the car Joonas, I'll be right back"

(He didn't even have gloves)

A few minutes later he comes back and hands the cute nurse a raspberry juice box he bought from the canteen. "They were out of chocolate bars, I guess you gave us the last ones"

Then Aleksi leaves and the cute nurse is left alone to drink his juice with the little straw, smiling like an idiot. He almost throws the empty carton away when he notices a phone number scribbled on it 🥰

🧑‍⚕️💝

[hobin-gnoblin]

OBEY ME! SHALL WE DATE IN....

The

Roadtrip🏕

"So the main animatronics are Freddy, Foxy, Bonnie and Chica." Levi explained to Mammon whist sitting together in the back of the van. "Lucy dear come on how much longer to we have till we get there? I'm stuck next to this wierdo telling me about robots." Mammon sneered as he gestured his thumbs pointing at Levi. Levi glared, "I haven't even gotten to the Bite of '87." Mammon replied, which 87? We've been alive for shit, who knows how long?" Mammon groaned.

"Will you two shut up? I'm trying to read more about the camping site we're off to." Satan said, face red from annoyance. "Yes boys, could you please quiet down, I've been trying to focus painting my nails, today I decided to go with a forest green to help accentuate my surroundings." Asmo added. "Literally no gives a shit." Satan responded. "Wow rude, at least I don't have a huge zit on my face!" Asmo responded. Satan's eyes widened, "Where?" He asked. Asmo snickered, "Here." And proceeded to smack Satan square in the face. Asmo, Levi, and Mammon all laughed in the back of the van. Satan's rage bloomed into pure fury.

Asmo screamed as Satan shoved his head outside the van window. "How big is it? Can you see it now you sly motherfucker?" Satan yelled as Asmo was screaming trying to get back into the van. "I'm sorry oh my god I'm sorry someone please help me ah I'm too cute for this kind of punishment!" Asmo screamed with tears ruining his mascara.

A voice from the front of the van echoed, "Satan, get Asmo back in the van, and settle down. The both of you!" Lucifer yelled. Satan reluctantly pulled Asmo back in and sat down in their seats. Asmo was currently shaking and sobbing while Satan smirked in delight. Finally after all what was recently occurring, Belphie woke up from a nap and saw the rest of his brothers looking like absolute shitheads who sat in the back of the bus during school field trips. (It was me, I was the shithead.)

"Can you guys please shut up, I'm trying to get some sleep and it doesn't help that Beel packed the crunchiest shit ever." Belphie groaned. Beel stopped his munching and looked at Belphie with sad eyes. "I'm sorry little bro." Beel said with his head hanging low. "Ah fuck, listen Beel I'm sorry, I shouldn't blame you for that." Belphie apologized. Both of the brothers hugged and made up for the little scramble. (That is wholesome you're welcome.)

About a half hour later the van reached to a halt. The doors opened and the boys stepped out with Mammon screaming in joy and falling to his knees in the parking lot. "Thank God we're here!" Mammon screamed as he kissed the pavement. Suddenly the skies opened and a bright light shown on Mammon. "Thank me? For what ya greedy shit bag, ya'll just stopped at the gas station lmfao. Anyway, see ya losers later I'm gonna go to my Heavenly Slushie Bar and get my slush on." God said as he snapped his fingers and closed the gates of clouds in the sky.

Mammons eyes widened as he turned around and saw the 6/12 gas station. He cried until a figure creeper behind him. "And then Foxy bit the unsuspecting child.." Leviathan whispered in Mammons ear. Mammom screamed, "FUCKING MC FUCK FUCK AUGH!"

The rest of the brothers waited as Lucifer filled up the gas tank. Satan joined his side while still reading. "Having fun Satan?" Lucifer smirked. "HaVing FuN sAtan?" Satan mocked. "You have a huge zit on you ." Lucifer pointed. "Where?" Satan replied. "Here." Lucifer said as he decked Satan in the crotch.

-fin

(Thank you for all the love and support on my previous works! If you want to see more stuff, check out my profile to see more wacky adventures and headcannons of the brothers!)

[chrisevansluv]

Here is the 2012 Detail Magazine interview with chris evans:

The Avengers' Chris Evans: Just Your Average Beer-Swilling, Babe-Loving Buddhist

The 30-year-old Bud Light-chugging, Beantown-bred star of The Avengers is widely perceived as the ultimate guy's guy. But beneath the bro persona lies a serious student of Buddhism, an unrepentant song-and-dance man, and a guy who talks to his mom about sex. And farts.

By Adam Sachs,

Photographs by Norman Jean Roy

May 2012 Issue

"Should we just kill him and bury his body?" Chris Evans is stage whispering into the impassive blinking light of my digital recorder.

"Chris!" shouts his mother, her tone a familiar-to-anyone-with-a-mother mix of coddling and concern. "Don't say that! What if something happened?"

We're at Evans' apartment, an expansive but not overly tricked-out bachelor-pad-ish loft in a semi-industrial nowheresville part of Boston, hard by Chinatown, near an area sometimes called the Combat Zone. Evans has a fuzzy, floppy, slept-in-his-clothes aspect that'd be nearly unrecognizable if you knew him only by the upright, spit-polished bearing of the onscreen hero. His dog, East, a sweet and slobbery American bulldog, is spread out on a couch in front of the TV. The shelves of his fridge are neatly stacked with much of the world's supply of Bud Light in cans and little else.

On the counter sit a few buckets of muscle-making whey-protein powder that belong to Evans' roommate, Zach Jarvis, an old pal who sometimes tags along on set as a paid "assistant" and a personal trainer who bulked Evans up for his role as the super-ripped patriot in last summer's blockbuster Captain America: The First Avenger. A giant clock on the exposed-brick wall says it's early evening, but Evans operates on his own sense of time. Between gigs, his schedule's all his, which usually translates into long stretches of alone time during the day and longer social nights for the 30-year-old.

"I could just make this . . . disappear," says Josh Peck, another old pal and occasional on-set assistant, in a deadpan mumble, poking at the voice recorder I'd left on the table while I was in the bathroom.

Evans' mom, Lisa, now speaks directly into the microphone: "Don't listen to them—I'm trying to get them not to say these things!"

But not saying things isn't in the Evans DNA. They're an infectiously gregarious clan. Irish-Italians, proud Bostoners, close-knit, and innately theatrical. "We all act, we sing," Evans says. "It was like the fucking von Trapps." Mom was a dancer and now runs a children's theater. First-born Carly directed the family puppet shows and studied theater at NYU. Younger brother Scott has parts on One Life to Live and Law & Order under his belt and lives in Los Angeles full-time—something Evans stopped doing several years back. Rounding out the circle are baby sister Shanna and a pair of "strays" the family brought into their Sudbury, Massachusetts, home: Josh, who went from mowing the lawn to moving in when his folks relocated during his senior year in high school; and Demery, who was Evans' roommate until recently.

"Our house was like a hotel," Evans says. "It was a loony-tunes household. If you got arrested in high school, everyone knew: 'Call Mrs. Evans, she'll bail you out.'"

Growing up, they had a special floor put in the basement where all the kids practiced tap-dancing. The party-ready rec room also had a Ping-Pong table and a separate entrance. This was the house kids in the neighborhood wanted to hang at, and this was the kind of family you wanted to be adopted by. Spend an afternoon listening to them dish old dirt and talk over each other and it's easy to see why. Now they're worried they've said too much, laid bare the tender soul of the actor behind the star-spangled superhero outfit, so there's talk of offing the interviewer. I can hear all this from the bathroom, which, of course, is the point of a good stage whisper.

To be sure, no one's said too much, and the more you're brought into the embrace of this boisterous, funny, shit-slinging, demonstrably loving extended family, the more likable and enviable the whole dynamic is.

Sample exchange from today's lunch of baked ziti at a family-style Italian restaurant:

Mom: When he was a kid, he asked me, 'Mom, will I ever think farting isn't funny?'

Chris: You're throwing me under the bus, Ma! Thank you.

Mom: Well, if a dog farts you still find it funny.

Then, back at the apartment, where Mrs. Evans tries to give me good-natured dirt on her son without freaking him out:

Mom: You always tell me when you think a girl is attractive. You'll call me up so excited. Is that okay to say?

Chris: Nothing wrong with that.

Mom: And can I say all the girls you've brought to the house have been very sweet and wonderful? Of course, those are the ones that make it to the house. It's been a long time, hasn't it?

Chris: Looooong time.

Mom: The last one at our house? Was it six years ago?

Chris: No names, Ma!

Mom: But she knocked it out of the park.

Chris: She got drunk and puked at Auntie Pam's house! And she puked on the way home and she puked at our place.

Mom: And that's when I fell in love with her. Because she was real.

We're operating under a no-names rule, so I'm not asking if it's Jessica Biel who made this memorable first impression. She and Evans were serious for a couple of years. But I don't want to picture lovely Jessica Biel getting sick at Auntie Pam's or in the car or, really, anywhere.

East the bulldog ambles over to the table, begging for food.

"That dog is the love of his life," Mrs. Evans says. "Which tells me he'll be an unbelievable parent, but I don't want him to get married right now." She turns to Chris. "The way you are, I just don't think you're ready."

Some other things I learn about Evans from his mom: He hates going to the gym; he was so wound-up as a kid she'd let him stand during dinner, his legs shaking like caged greyhounds; he suffered weekly "Sunday-night meltdowns" over schoolwork and the angst of the sensitive middle-schooler; after she and his father split and he was making money from acting, he bought her the Sudbury family homestead rather than let her leave it.

Eventually his mom and Josh depart, and Evans and I go to work depleting his stash of Bud Light. It feels like we drink Bud Light and talk for days, because we basically do. I arrived early Friday evening; it's Saturday night now and it'll be sunup Sunday before I sleeplessly make my way to catch a train back to New York City. Somewhere in between we slip free of the gravitational pull of the bachelor pad and there's bottle service at a club and a long walk with entourage in tow back to Evans' apartment, where there is some earnest-yet-surreal group singing, piano playing, and chitchat. Evans is fun to talk to, partly because he's an open, self-mocking guy with an explosive laugh and no apparent need to sleep, and partly because when you cut just below the surface, it's clear he's not quite the dude's dude he sometimes plays onscreen and in TV appearances.

From a distance, Chris Evans the movie star seems a predictable, nearly inevitable piece of successful Hollywood packaging come to market. There's his major-release debut as the dorkily unaware jock Jake in the guilty pleasure Not Another Teen Movie (in one memorable scene, Evans has whipped cream on his chest and a banana up his ass). The female-friendly hunk appeal—his character in The Nanny Diaries is named simply Harvard Hottie—is balanced by a kind of casual-Friday, I'm-from-Boston regular-dudeness. Following the siren song of comic-book cash, he was the Human Torch in two Fantastic Four films. As with scrawny Steve Rogers, the Captain America suit beefed up his stature as a formidable screen presence, a bankable leading man, all of which leads us to The Avengers, this season's megabudget, megawatt ensemble in which he stars alongside Scarlett Johansson, Mark Ruffalo, Robert Downey Jr., and Chris Hemsworth.

It all feels inevitable—and yet it nearly didn't happen. Evans repeatedly turned down the Captain America role, fearing he'd be locked into what was originally a nine-picture deal. He was shooting Puncture, about a drug-addicted lawyer, at the time. Most actors doing small-budget legal dramas would jump at the chance to play the lead in a Marvel franchise, but Evans saw a decade of his life flash before his eyes.

What he remembers thinking is this: "What if the movie comes out and it's a success and I just reject all of this? What if I want to move to the fucking woods?"

By "the woods," he doesn't mean a quiet life away from the spotlight, some general metaphorical life escape route. He means the actual woods. "For a long time all I wanted for Christmas were books about outdoor survival," he says. "I was convinced that I was going to move to the woods. I camped a lot, I took classes. At 18, I told myself if I don't live in the woods by the time I'm 25, I have failed."

Evans has described his hesitation at signing on for Captain America. Usually he talks about the time commitment, the loss of what remained of his relative anonymity. On the junkets for the movie, he was open about needing therapy after the studio reduced the deal to six movies and he took the leap. What he doesn't usually mention is that he was racked with anxiety before the job came up.

"I get very nervous," Evans explains. "I shit the bed if I have to present something on stage or if I'm doing press. Because it's just you." He's been known to walk out of press conferences, to freeze up and go silent during the kind of relaxed-yet-high-stakes meetings an actor of his stature is expected to attend: "Do you know how badly I audition? Fifty percent of the time I have to walk out of the room. I'm naturally very pale, so I turn red and sweat. And I have to literally walk out. Sometimes mid-audition. You start having these conversations in your brain. 'Chris, don't do this. Chris, take it easy. You're just sitting in a room with a person saying some words, this isn't life. And you're letting this affect you? Shame on you.'"

Shades of "Sunday-night meltdowns." Luckily the nerves never follow him to the set. "You do your neuroses beforehand, so when they yell 'Action' you can be present," he says.

Okay, there was one on-set panic attack—while Evans was shooting Puncture. "We were getting ready to do a court scene in front of a bunch of people, and I don't know what happened," he says. "It's just your brain playing games with you. 'Hey, you know how we sometimes freak out? What if we did it right now?'"

One of the people who advised Evans to take the Captain America role was his eventual Avengers costar Robert Downey Jr. "I'd seen him around," Downey says. "We share an agent. I like to spend a lot of my free time talking to my agent about his other clients—I just had a feeling about him."

What he told Evans was: This puppy is going to be big, and when it is you're going to get to make the movies you want to make. "In the marathon obstacle course of a career," Downey says, "it's just good to have all the stats on paper for why you're not only a team player but also why it makes sense to support you in the projects you want to do—because you've made so much damned money for the studio."

There's also the fact that Evans had a chance to sign on for something likely to be a kind of watershed moment in the comic-book fascination of our time. "I do think The Avengers is the crescendo of this superhero phase in entertainment—except of course for Iron Man 3," Downey says. "It'll take a lot of innovation to keep it alive after this."

Captain America is the only person left who was truly close to Howard Stark, father of Tony Stark (a.k.a. Iron Man), which meant that Evans' and Downey's story lines are closely linked, and in the course of doing a lot of scenes together, they got to be pals. Downey diagnoses his friend with what he terms "low-grade red-carpet anxiety disorder."

"He just hates the game-show aspect of doing PR," Downey says. "Obviously there's pressure for anyone in this transition he's in. But he will easily triple that pressure to make sure he's not being lazy. That's why I respect the guy. I wouldn't necessarily want to be in his skin. But his motives are pure. He just needs to drink some red-carpet chamomile."

"The majority of the world is empty space," Chris Evans says, watching me as if my brain might explode on hearing this news—or like he might have to fight me if I try to contradict him. We're back at his apartment after a cigarette run through the Combat Zone.

"Empty space!" he says again, slapping the table and sort of yelling. Then, in a slow, breathy whisper, he repeats: "Empty space, empty space. All that we see in the world, the life, the animals, plants, people, it's all empty space. That's amazing!" He slaps the table again. "You want another beer? Gotta be Bud Light. Get dirty—you're in Boston. Okay, organize your thoughts. I gotta take a piss . . ."

My thoughts are this: That this guy who is hugging his dog and talking to me about space and mortality and the trouble with Boston girls who believe crazy gossip about him—this is not the guy I expected to meet. I figured he'd be a meatball. Though, truthfully, I'd never called anyone a meatball until Evans turned me on to the put-down. As in: "My sister Shanna dates meatballs." And, more to the point: "When I do interviews, I'd rather just be the beer-drinking dude from Boston and not get into the complex shit, because I don't want every meatball saying, 'So hey, whaddyathink about Buddhism?'"

At 17, Evans came across a copy of Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha and began his spiritual questing. It's a path of study and struggle that, he says, defines his true purpose in life. "I love acting. It's my playground, it lets me explore. But my happiness in this world, my level of peace, is never going to be dictated by acting," he says. "My goal in life is to detach from the egoic mind. Do you know anything about Eastern philosophy?"

I sip some Bud Light and shake my head sheepishly. "They talk about the egoic mind, the part of you that's self-aware, the watcher, the person you think is driving this machine," he says. "And that separation from self and mind is the root of suffering. There are ways of retraining the way you think. This isn't really supported in Western society, which is focused on 'Go get it, earn it, win it, marry it.'"

Scarlett Johansson says that one of the things she appreciates about Evans is how he steers clear of industry chat when they see each other. "Basically every actor," she says, "including myself, when we finish a job we're like, 'Well, that's it for me. Had a good run. Put me out to pasture.' But Chris doesn't strike me as someone who frets about the next job." The two met on the set of The Perfect Score when they were teenagers and have stayed close; The Avengers is their third movie together. "He has this obviously masculine presence—a dude's dude—and we're used to seeing him play heroic characters," Johansson says, "but he's also surprisingly sensitive. He has close female friends, and you can talk to him about anything. Plus there's that secret song-and-dance, jazz-hands side of Chris. I feel like he grew up with the Partridge Family. He'd be just as happy doing Guys and Dolls as he would Captain America 2."

East needs to do his business, so Evans and I take him up to the roof deck. Evans bought this apartment in 2010 when living in L.A. full-time no longer appealed to him. He came back to stay close to his extended family and the intimate circle of Boston pals he's maintained since high school. The move also seems like a pretty clear keep-it-real hedge against the manic ego-stroking distractions of Hollywood.

"I think my daytime person is different than my nighttime person," Evans says. "With my high-school buddies, we drink beer and talk sports and it's great. The kids in my Buddhism class in L.A., they're wildly intelligent, and I love being around them, but they're not talking about the Celtics. And that's part of me. It's a strange dichotomy. I don't mind being a certain way with some people and having this other piece of me that's just for me."

I asked Downey about Evans' outward regular-Joe persona. "It's complete horseshit," Downey says. "There's an inherent street-smart intelligence there. I don't think he tries to hide it. But he's much more evolved and much more culturally aware than he lets on."

Perhaps the meatball and the meditation can coexist. We argue about our egoic brains and the tao of Boston girls. "I love wet hair and sweatpants," he says in their defense. "I like sneakers and ponytails. I like girls who aren't so la-di-da. L.A. is so la-di-da. I like Boston girls who shit on me. Not literally. Girls who give me a hard time, bust my chops a little."

The chief buster of Evans' chops is, of course, Evans himself. "The problem is, the brain I'm using to dissect this world is a brain formed by it," he says. "We're born into confusion, and we get the blessing of letting go of it." Then he adds: "I think this shit by day. And then night comes and it's like, 'Fuck it, let's drink.'"

And so we do. It's getting late. Again. We should have eaten dinner, but Evans sometimes forgets to eat: "If I could just take a pill to make me full forever, I wouldn't think twice."

We talk about his dog and camping with his dog and why he loves being alone more than almost anything except maybe not being alone. "I swear to God, if you saw me when I am by myself in the woods, I'm a lunatic," he says. "I sing, I dance. I do crazy shit."

Evans' unflagging, all-encompassing enthusiasm is impressive, itself a kind of social intelligence. "If you want to have a good conversation with him, don't talk about the fact that he's famous" was the advice I got from Mark Kassen, who codirected Puncture. "He's a blast, a guy who can hang. For quite a long time. Many hours in a row."

I've stopped looking at the clock. We've stopped talking philosophy and moved into more emotional territory. He asks questions about my 9-month-old son, and then Captain America gets teary when I talk about the wonder of his birth. "I weep at everything," he says. "I emote. I love things so much—I just never want to dilute that."

He talks about how close he feels to his family, how open they all are with each other. About everything. All the time. "The first time I had sex," he says, "I raced home and was like, 'Mom, I just had sex! Where's the clit?'"

Wait, I ask—did she ever tell you?

"Still don't know where it is, man," he says, then breaks into a smile composed of equal parts shit-eating grin and inner peace. "I just don't know. Make some movies, you don't have to know…"

Here is the 2012 Detail Magazine interview with chris evans:

The Avengers' Chris Evans: Just Your Average Beer-Swilling, Babe-Loving Buddhist

The 30-year-old Bud Light-chugging, Beantown-bred star of The Avengers is widely perceived as the ultimate guy's guy. But beneath the bro persona lies a serious student of Buddhism, an unrepentant song-and-dance man, and a guy who talks to his mom about sex. And farts.

By Adam Sachs,

Photographs by Norman Jean Roy

May 2012 Issue

"Should we just kill him and bury his body?" Chris Evans is stage whispering into the impassive blinking light of my digital recorder.

"Chris!" shouts his mother, her tone a familiar-to-anyone-with-a-mother mix of coddling and concern. "Don't say that! What if something happened?"

We're at Evans' apartment, an expansive but not overly tricked-out bachelor-pad-ish loft in a semi-industrial nowheresville part of Boston, hard by Chinatown, near an area sometimes called the Combat Zone. Evans has a fuzzy, floppy, slept-in-his-clothes aspect that'd be nearly unrecognizable if you knew him only by the upright, spit-polished bearing of the onscreen hero. His dog, East, a sweet and slobbery American bulldog, is spread out on a couch in front of the TV. The shelves of his fridge are neatly stacked with much of the world's supply of Bud Light in cans and little else.

On the counter sit a few buckets of muscle-making whey-protein powder that belong to Evans' roommate, Zach Jarvis, an old pal who sometimes tags along on set as a paid "assistant" and a personal trainer who bulked Evans up for his role as the super-ripped patriot in last summer's blockbuster Captain America: The First Avenger. A giant clock on the exposed-brick wall says it's early evening, but Evans operates on his own sense of time. Between gigs, his schedule's all his, which usually translates into long stretches of alone time during the day and longer social nights for the 30-year-old.

"I could just make this . . . disappear," says Josh Peck, another old pal and occasional on-set assistant, in a deadpan mumble, poking at the voice recorder I'd left on the table while I was in the bathroom.

Evans' mom, Lisa, now speaks directly into the microphone: "Don't listen to them—I'm trying to get them not to say these things!"

But not saying things isn't in the Evans DNA. They're an infectiously gregarious clan. Irish-Italians, proud Bostoners, close-knit, and innately theatrical. "We all act, we sing," Evans says. "It was like the fucking von Trapps." Mom was a dancer and now runs a children's theater. First-born Carly directed the family puppet shows and studied theater at NYU. Younger brother Scott has parts on One Life to Live and Law & Order under his belt and lives in Los Angeles full-time—something Evans stopped doing several years back. Rounding out the circle are baby sister Shanna and a pair of "strays" the family brought into their Sudbury, Massachusetts, home: Josh, who went from mowing the lawn to moving in when his folks relocated during his senior year in high school; and Demery, who was Evans' roommate until recently.

"Our house was like a hotel," Evans says. "It was a loony-tunes household. If you got arrested in high school, everyone knew: 'Call Mrs. Evans, she'll bail you out.'"

Growing up, they had a special floor put in the basement where all the kids practiced tap-dancing. The party-ready rec room also had a Ping-Pong table and a separate entrance. This was the house kids in the neighborhood wanted to hang at, and this was the kind of family you wanted to be adopted by. Spend an afternoon listening to them dish old dirt and talk over each other and it's easy to see why. Now they're worried they've said too much, laid bare the tender soul of the actor behind the star-spangled superhero outfit, so there's talk of offing the interviewer. I can hear all this from the bathroom, which, of course, is the point of a good stage whisper.

To be sure, no one's said too much, and the more you're brought into the embrace of this boisterous, funny, shit-slinging, demonstrably loving extended family, the more likable and enviable the whole dynamic is.

Sample exchange from today's lunch of baked ziti at a family-style Italian restaurant:

Mom: When he was a kid, he asked me, 'Mom, will I ever think farting isn't funny?'

Chris: You're throwing me under the bus, Ma! Thank you.

Mom: Well, if a dog farts you still find it funny.

Then, back at the apartment, where Mrs. Evans tries to give me good-natured dirt on her son without freaking him out:

Mom: You always tell me when you think a girl is attractive. You'll call me up so excited. Is that okay to say?

Chris: Nothing wrong with that.

Mom: And can I say all the girls you've brought to the house have been very sweet and wonderful? Of course, those are the ones that make it to the house. It's been a long time, hasn't it?

Chris: Looooong time.

Mom: The last one at our house? Was it six years ago?

Chris: No names, Ma!

Mom: But she knocked it out of the park.

Chris: She got drunk and puked at Auntie Pam's house! And she puked on the way home and she puked at our place.

Mom: And that's when I fell in love with her. Because she was real.

We're operating under a no-names rule, so I'm not asking if it's Jessica Biel who made this memorable first impression. She and Evans were serious for a couple of years. But I don't want to picture lovely Jessica Biel getting sick at Auntie Pam's or in the car or, really, anywhere.

East the bulldog ambles over to the table, begging for food.

"That dog is the love of his life," Mrs. Evans says. "Which tells me he'll be an unbelievable parent, but I don't want him to get married right now." She turns to Chris. "The way you are, I just don't think you're ready."

Some other things I learn about Evans from his mom: He hates going to the gym; he was so wound-up as a kid she'd let him stand during dinner, his legs shaking like caged greyhounds; he suffered weekly "Sunday-night meltdowns" over schoolwork and the angst of the sensitive middle-schooler; after she and his father split and he was making money from acting, he bought her the Sudbury family homestead rather than let her leave it.

Eventually his mom and Josh depart, and Evans and I go to work depleting his stash of Bud Light. It feels like we drink Bud Light and talk for days, because we basically do. I arrived early Friday evening; it's Saturday night now and it'll be sunup Sunday before I sleeplessly make my way to catch a train back to New York City. Somewhere in between we slip free of the gravitational pull of the bachelor pad and there's bottle service at a club and a long walk with entourage in tow back to Evans' apartment, where there is some earnest-yet-surreal group singing, piano playing, and chitchat. Evans is fun to talk to, partly because he's an open, self-mocking guy with an explosive laugh and no apparent need to sleep, and partly because when you cut just below the surface, it's clear he's not quite the dude's dude he sometimes plays onscreen and in TV appearances.

From a distance, Chris Evans the movie star seems a predictable, nearly inevitable piece of successful Hollywood packaging come to market. There's his major-release debut as the dorkily unaware jock Jake in the guilty pleasure Not Another Teen Movie (in one memorable scene, Evans has whipped cream on his chest and a banana up his ass). The female-friendly hunk appeal—his character in The Nanny Diaries is named simply Harvard Hottie—is balanced by a kind of casual-Friday, I'm-from-Boston regular-dudeness. Following the siren song of comic-book cash, he was the Human Torch in two Fantastic Four films. As with scrawny Steve Rogers, the Captain America suit beefed up his stature as a formidable screen presence, a bankable leading man, all of which leads us to The Avengers, this season's megabudget, megawatt ensemble in which he stars alongside Scarlett Johansson, Mark Ruffalo, Robert Downey Jr., and Chris Hemsworth.

It all feels inevitable—and yet it nearly didn't happen. Evans repeatedly turned down the Captain America role, fearing he'd be locked into what was originally a nine-picture deal. He was shooting Puncture, about a drug-addicted lawyer, at the time. Most actors doing small-budget legal dramas would jump at the chance to play the lead in a Marvel franchise, but Evans saw a decade of his life flash before his eyes.

What he remembers thinking is this: "What if the movie comes out and it's a success and I just reject all of this? What if I want to move to the fucking woods?"

By "the woods," he doesn't mean a quiet life away from the spotlight, some general metaphorical life escape route. He means the actual woods. "For a long time all I wanted for Christmas were books about outdoor survival," he says. "I was convinced that I was going to move to the woods. I camped a lot, I took classes. At 18, I told myself if I don't live in the woods by the time I'm 25, I have failed."

Evans has described his hesitation at signing on for Captain America. Usually he talks about the time commitment, the loss of what remained of his relative anonymity. On the junkets for the movie, he was open about needing therapy after the studio reduced the deal to six movies and he took the leap. What he doesn't usually mention is that he was racked with anxiety before the job came up.

"I get very nervous," Evans explains. "I shit the bed if I have to present something on stage or if I'm doing press. Because it's just you." He's been known to walk out of press conferences, to freeze up and go silent during the kind of relaxed-yet-high-stakes meetings an actor of his stature is expected to attend: "Do you know how badly I audition? Fifty percent of the time I have to walk out of the room. I'm naturally very pale, so I turn red and sweat. And I have to literally walk out. Sometimes mid-audition. You start having these conversations in your brain. 'Chris, don't do this. Chris, take it easy. You're just sitting in a room with a person saying some words, this isn't life. And you're letting this affect you? Shame on you.'"

Shades of "Sunday-night meltdowns." Luckily the nerves never follow him to the set. "You do your neuroses beforehand, so when they yell 'Action' you can be present," he says.

Okay, there was one on-set panic attack—while Evans was shooting Puncture. "We were getting ready to do a court scene in front of a bunch of people, and I don't know what happened," he says. "It's just your brain playing games with you. 'Hey, you know how we sometimes freak out? What if we did it right now?'"

One of the people who advised Evans to take the Captain America role was his eventual Avengers costar Robert Downey Jr. "I'd seen him around," Downey says. "We share an agent. I like to spend a lot of my free time talking to my agent about his other clients—I just had a feeling about him."

What he told Evans was: This puppy is going to be big, and when it is you're going to get to make the movies you want to make. "In the marathon obstacle course of a career," Downey says, "it's just good to have all the stats on paper for why you're not only a team player but also why it makes sense to support you in the projects you want to do—because you've made so much damned money for the studio."

There's also the fact that Evans had a chance to sign on for something likely to be a kind of watershed moment in the comic-book fascination of our time. "I do think The Avengers is the crescendo of this superhero phase in entertainment—except of course for Iron Man 3," Downey says. "It'll take a lot of innovation to keep it alive after this."

Captain America is the only person left who was truly close to Howard Stark, father of Tony Stark (a.k.a. Iron Man), which meant that Evans' and Downey's story lines are closely linked, and in the course of doing a lot of scenes together, they got to be pals. Downey diagnoses his friend with what he terms "low-grade red-carpet anxiety disorder."

"He just hates the game-show aspect of doing PR," Downey says. "Obviously there's pressure for anyone in this transition he's in. But he will easily triple that pressure to make sure he's not being lazy. That's why I respect the guy. I wouldn't necessarily want to be in his skin. But his motives are pure. He just needs to drink some red-carpet chamomile."

"The majority of the world is empty space," Chris Evans says, watching me as if my brain might explode on hearing this news—or like he might have to fight me if I try to contradict him. We're back at his apartment after a cigarette run through the Combat Zone.

"Empty space!" he says again, slapping the table and sort of yelling. Then, in a slow, breathy whisper, he repeats: "Empty space, empty space. All that we see in the world, the life, the animals, plants, people, it's all empty space. That's amazing!" He slaps the table again. "You want another beer? Gotta be Bud Light. Get dirty—you're in Boston. Okay, organize your thoughts. I gotta take a piss . . ."

My thoughts are this: That this guy who is hugging his dog and talking to me about space and mortality and the trouble with Boston girls who believe crazy gossip about him—this is not the guy I expected to meet. I figured he'd be a meatball. Though, truthfully, I'd never called anyone a meatball until Evans turned me on to the put-down. As in: "My sister Shanna dates meatballs." And, more to the point: "When I do interviews, I'd rather just be the beer-drinking dude from Boston and not get into the complex shit, because I don't want every meatball saying, 'So hey, whaddyathink about Buddhism?'"

At 17, Evans came across a copy of Hermann Hesse's Siddhartha and began his spiritual questing. It's a path of study and struggle that, he says, defines his true purpose in life. "I love acting. It's my playground, it lets me explore. But my happiness in this world, my level of peace, is never going to be dictated by acting," he says. "My goal in life is to detach from the egoic mind. Do you know anything about Eastern philosophy?"

I sip some Bud Light and shake my head sheepishly. "They talk about the egoic mind, the part of you that's self-aware, the watcher, the person you think is driving this machine," he says. "And that separation from self and mind is the root of suffering. There are ways of retraining the way you think. This isn't really supported in Western society, which is focused on 'Go get it, earn it, win it, marry it.'"

Scarlett Johansson says that one of the things she appreciates about Evans is how he steers clear of industry chat when they see each other. "Basically every actor," she says, "including myself, when we finish a job we're like, 'Well, that's it for me. Had a good run. Put me out to pasture.' But Chris doesn't strike me as someone who frets about the next job." The two met on the set of The Perfect Score when they were teenagers and have stayed close; The Avengers is their third movie together. "He has this obviously masculine presence—a dude's dude—and we're used to seeing him play heroic characters," Johansson says, "but he's also surprisingly sensitive. He has close female friends, and you can talk to him about anything. Plus there's that secret song-and-dance, jazz-hands side of Chris. I feel like he grew up with the Partridge Family. He'd be just as happy doing Guys and Dolls as he would Captain America 2."

East needs to do his business, so Evans and I take him up to the roof deck. Evans bought this apartment in 2010 when living in L.A. full-time no longer appealed to him. He came back to stay close to his extended family and the intimate circle of Boston pals he's maintained since high school. The move also seems like a pretty clear keep-it-real hedge against the manic ego-stroking distractions of Hollywood.

"I think my daytime person is different than my nighttime person," Evans says. "With my high-school buddies, we drink beer and talk sports and it's great. The kids in my Buddhism class in L.A., they're wildly intelligent, and I love being around them, but they're not talking about the Celtics. And that's part of me. It's a strange dichotomy. I don't mind being a certain way with some people and having this other piece of me that's just for me."

I asked Downey about Evans' outward regular-Joe persona. "It's complete horseshit," Downey says. "There's an inherent street-smart intelligence there. I don't think he tries to hide it. But he's much more evolved and much more culturally aware than he lets on."

Perhaps the meatball and the meditation can coexist. We argue about our egoic brains and the tao of Boston girls. "I love wet hair and sweatpants," he says in their defense. "I like sneakers and ponytails. I like girls who aren't so la-di-da. L.A. is so la-di-da. I like Boston girls who shit on me. Not literally. Girls who give me a hard time, bust my chops a little."

The chief buster of Evans' chops is, of course, Evans himself. "The problem is, the brain I'm using to dissect this world is a brain formed by it," he says. "We're born into confusion, and we get the blessing of letting go of it." Then he adds: "I think this shit by day. And then night comes and it's like, 'Fuck it, let's drink.'"

And so we do. It's getting late. Again. We should have eaten dinner, but Evans sometimes forgets to eat: "If I could just take a pill to make me full forever, I wouldn't think twice."

We talk about his dog and camping with his dog and why he loves being alone more than almost anything except maybe not being alone. "I swear to God, if you saw me when I am by myself in the woods, I'm a lunatic," he says. "I sing, I dance. I do crazy shit."

Evans' unflagging, all-encompassing enthusiasm is impressive, itself a kind of social intelligence. "If you want to have a good conversation with him, don't talk about the fact that he's famous" was the advice I got from Mark Kassen, who codirected Puncture. "He's a blast, a guy who can hang. For quite a long time. Many hours in a row."

I've stopped looking at the clock. We've stopped talking philosophy and moved into more emotional territory. He asks questions about my 9-month-old son, and then Captain America gets teary when I talk about the wonder of his birth. "I weep at everything," he says. "I emote. I love things so much—I just never want to dilute that."

He talks about how close he feels to his family, how open they all are with each other. About everything. All the time. "The first time I had sex," he says, "I raced home and was like, 'Mom, I just had sex! Where's the clit?'"

Wait, I ask—did she ever tell you?

"Still don't know where it is, man," he says, then breaks into a smile composed of equal parts shit-eating grin and inner peace. "I just don't know. Make some movies, you don't have to know…"

If someone doesn't want to check the link, the anon sent the full interview!

[epilepticreggie]

What are your favourite hc's for each character, or just one, idm, dump information on me :)

I want to preface this by saying that I loe you so much for giving me an excuse to just say everything that's on my mind, I'm going to give you lots of headcanons, lots of them, here we go

Flynn is the kind of person who can't just not know how things work but who will also refuse help at all costs, she must learn everything, but she must learn it on her own, you know the dance flyiers? she taught herself to use photoshop just for that flyier because she'll be damned if she has to ask someone else to do it for her, that was the tip of the iceberg, she can now make the most realistic montages ever. Her clothes? she makes them! she aught herself shion design when she was 5! yes, she sometimes buys clothes, but most of them end up being transformed anyway because she won't stand wearing the same dress as someone else, no matter if that someone else is on the other side of the planet, she's unique and her clothes must be it too, damn it! also, she doesn't know it, but her dog is related to Max (learn about Max on Willie's section). She also taught herself to code because none of tumblr's themes ever satisfied her, yes she's on tumblr, does she look like a non-tumblr user to you?

Julie's favorite disney character is Eugene Fitzherbert because Flynn, the first time she watched Tangled nobody could stop her from fangirling over the fact that her best friend's name is also Flynn, she made Rose call Misha just so she could tell Flynn about Flynn. They wouldn't stop reenacting the movies for years. It wasn't clear to me if this is canon or not, but I love the idea that Julie's Stand Tall dress was suppossed to be her quinces dress (she ended up not having one bc her mom was dying). Julie started to doodle on her shoes, mic, jeans, etc., as a compromise with her parents because she wouldn't stop drawing on the walls, including the school walls, and store's walls, and pretty much every wall.

Flynn, Julie, and Willie are best friends no matter the universe, Flynn and Willie are married as a joke and they won't divorce, not even for Alex to marry Willie.

the car accident where Willie died wasn't his first car accident, when he was around 12 he was in a car with his dad and they both ended up in the hospital, after that Willie refused to go inside a car, the accident is the whole reason he started to skateboard everywhere, he just couldn't stomach being in a car, only cars tho, he was okay with buses and trains and stuff like that. The only situation he got in a car for after that was at 16 when he found a bunch of abandoned puppies and he wanted to take them to the vet but he figured skating with a box of puppies wasn't safe and the bus wouldn't allow him with them, so he reluctantly went in the car. Having the puppies there helped because he loves dogs, especially big dogs, he finds comfort in acting as a chair for massive dogs. He used to volunteer at a dog shelter and adopted a massive dog from there, her name was Mini, lovely giant fluffy dog. He was about to adopt a small dog that had just given birth at the shelter, but then he died. His parents adopted her in his honor and named her Max because that's what Wilie wanted: a small dog named Max and a big dog named Mini.

speaking of dogs, Reggie is allergic to both dogs and cats, but he asked for a puppy in the show in hopes that being a ghost would render his allergies useless. it didn't, but he figured is not like he's going to die again so he keeps petting dogs. he was always top of his class because he's really good at memorizing things, but he would forget most of it as soon as the test was over, there were a few subjects he retained info about because he really liked them. he always acts so silly because he would always try to distract his little bro fom their parents' fights and at some point he just defaulted to that for everything.

Bobby was really good at tests but it was in a different way to Reggie. Bobby basically mastered the art of tracking down old tests, at first he would just dig through his brothers' stuff until he found their tests and then studied the (correct) answers from those tests, but eventually he worked out an entire system with older students to get their old tests because some of his brothers' teachers had retired since then, and also because it couldn't hurt to have more than one test to study from.

after the guys died, Bobby tried to separate himself from music as much as he could because the band still had fans trying to reach out to him and he couldn't stand one more question about the most traumatic night of his life, so he started to work at a museum and he met Ray there because of course Ray was a regular. After some months his plan kinda backfired because Rose also started to work at the museum and recognized him, but she was cool about not asking questions or bringing it up and they became besties. Bobby was the one to convince Rose to ask Ray out on a date since Ray would freeze everytime he tried to talk to her so he was obviously not going to make the first move. Rose was the one to get Bobby to play again by dragging him to an open mic and telling him she wouldn't stop the pda with Ray until he wrote his name in the list. She only wanted him to write his name down, baby steps and all, but then he actually got on stage, she was proud.

Carrie is popular but kinda not. She's not popular in the high school movie cheerleader way, she's popular in a Rachel Berry way where she's in every club she's able to, always wants the spotlight and would totally send someone to a crack house in order to keep her solos, so she's only "popular" because she's hard to ignore, not because people are fighting to be her friend. Carrie is short for Carrieta, someone take away the power of names from Trevor.

The following characters have epilepsy: Willie, Flynn, Julie, Alex, Reggie, maybe Bobby as well, idk.

Not exactly a headcanon, but Caleb's boss is played by Eva Noblezada, I love Eva Noblezada.

[languor-em]

Ingo/Theo thoughts???? Ingo/Theo thoughts??? Share with your bestie boy please and thankyou I read bullying and I am here to hear about it.

YES- GOD, THANK YOU EMILE BESTIE YOU ARE A LIFESAVER AND A TRUE BRO

Okay okay I'm gonna put this under the cut in case people don't wanna see my self shippy screaming and because this is gonna be long as HELL but!!! Theo and Ingo!!! My absolute beloveds at the moment!!! Sorry Grimora my love I'll think about you again soon sgakaha

Anyway!!!!

Okay okay so I'll start off with the non-arceus flavored thoughts because those are less angsty and like,,, a bit less complicated by story standards??

But in this timeline, Theo was born and raised in Galar, and has spent most of their life there. They ran a ghost-type Pokemon sanctuary for a long time that sort of doubled as like,,, a cat cafe equivalent, trying to help lessen the stigma surrounding the type and find their charges perfect partners!! Her partner is a Gengar named spooky who's been with Theo since they were both itty bitty- shout out to Theo's grandad for letting her keep the Ghastly that decided to follow her home.

Now I won't lie, my knowledge of Pokemon B&W is still very limited but!!! I know the very basics (I'm playing through B&W 2 with my bro rn and I'm on a desperate search for the first one) and enough to say with confidence that Theo just,,, gets their ass thoroughly beat. They really expect the train twins to make vicious fun of them for losing but they,,, don't. Emmet smiles and tells her to work hard to improve and challenge them again and Ingo- Ingo says something very sweet about the bond between Theo and her Pokemon being strong, but she needs to trust in their strength a little more. It sticks with her- and she finds herself coming back again and again until a friendship forms between the three of them.

Flash forward a good few years, and Theo decides that they want to travel. Specifically, they want to travel to Unova. They leave their sanctuary in the care of some of their most trusted friends/employees and head on their way!!! A lot of their time is spent just like,, wandering around and doing the stereotypical touristy shit but!! Eventually Theo decides fuck it, they want to try this whole battling thing, and start pushing themselves towards that goal. That's how they meet Ingo and Emmet on the battle subway!!

And now's the time that I stop rambling about backstory and get into the DYNAMIC!!! BECAUSE!!!! AAAHH!!! Emmet and Theo are BESTIES. They are neurodivergent and silly and they LOVE bullying Ingo. Much of their free time is spent harassing Ingo and like,, teasing him about silly little things. Emmet shares stories about what Ingo was like as a kid and Theo gently teases Ingo about how awkward he can be in a romantic setting. Ingo and Theo's relationship is just,, it's very relaxed. It's very much the sort of situation where close friends become romantic partners and like,, while it's awkward at first, not much changes? Sure, the first two weeks or so of their relationship was tentative and fragile- consisting mostly of the two dancing around eachother but?? After a nice talk where the two of them establish what they want, things settle into a very domestic setting. They're still best friends at the end of the day, it's just that they now hold hands and Theo gets to kiss him before he goes to work and when he comes home. I don't think Ingo is very big on giving physical affection, he strikes me as more of an acts of service and words of affirmation kind of guy. But he doesn't mind Theo expressing themself through touch- they have a lot of trouble with words. That's something that really gets me in the heart about this relationship- Ingo has trouble expressing himself physically and makes up for it with words, and Theo has a lot of trouble with words and express more though touch. They complement each other really well, and I feel like a lot of their relationship is supporting eachother in their downfalls and building one another up. Also a lot of info dumping. Autism and ADHD solidarity right there. Also Theo cooks for both Ingo and Emmet a lot- they pack their lunches. Can you tell one of my love languages is food? Also also Theo occasionally visits them at work, but she knows they're busy a lot of the time so she doesn't stay super long.

Also I'm trying not to think about how gutted Theo would be when Ingo disappears and how she and Emmet will have to lean on one another and grieve and-

Anyway!!! This is already so long and I'M SORRY but now we're on to the Arceus timeline. Also spoilers but like,, you know. Because is it a different timeline completely? Yes. Yes it is. Don't look at me like that- I just really like overthinking things and-

Anyway- Theo gets isekai'd into ancient Hisui and cannot remember a single thing. In this au they're still from Galar and had their ghost sanctuary, but they never gave in to their desire to visit Unova. And somehow, I'm not really sure why, Arceus decides that there's noone better to do its bidding than the constantly stressed and anxious trainer from rural Galar. It doesn't even have the decency to send Spooky with them- which is stupid, because that's Theo's emotional support Gengar and Theo's Spooky's emotional support human. That's a whole bout of amnesia angst in and of itself, one that I'll maybe talk about in a different post suajdaj

Anyway, Theo joins up with the Galaxy team because like?? What other option is there?? And the plot proceeds as normal. Theo meets Ingo in all his New York subway amnesiac glory, Irida tells her that Ingo also just,, popped up from nowhere with no memories and that she hopes maybe traveling together will help jog something in their fucked up little brains.

So they travel together to Lord Electrode, they bond, Theo battles Ingo and barely wins (he was even going easy on her), Theo meets and is promptly also adopted by Sneasler (because Sneasler absolutely looked at Ingo and Theo and decided that they were just real fucked up Sneasels), Theo saves Electrode and is HORRIBLY burned (THE THINGS FIRING ELECTRICITY AT HER!!!!)- and Ingo and Adaman have to basically carry her back to Jubilife. Ingo stays in Jubilife while Theo heals, occasionally popping in and keeping her company and just,,, they bond a lot!!

After Theo heals and is ready to get back to work, Ingo just sort of,,, comes with them? They travel together and become a team and just,, they get really close. They try to help eachother remember as much as they can, and they comfort eachother when that strange, gnawing homesickness grows to be too much. Theo holds Ingo as tight as they can when he breaks down and starts rambling about a man who looked like him, who always smiled and liked winning more than anything else. And Ingo's there to sit quietly next to Theo and let them cry into his chest when they feel their heart shatter when they see a Gengar for the first time in the wild and start sobbing about a childhood friend. They're there for eachother, no matter how much they hurt. And although it's unspoken, they love eachother. And they would do anything for eachother. And they are there to be eachother's rock when the world just feels like too much.

On a much lighter note, there's still so much info dumping. But now with the added flavor of 'wait how do I know this much about that??' Like,, Ingo's out here asking 'what the fuck even IS a train??' and Theo's like 'How do I know so much about Yamask?? What even is a Yamask??? whATS A GALAR??' And then they bond ÚwÙ

Basically, in every au they're in they just,, are very neurodivergent together. It's a very sweet and laid back relationship, and they make it work really well. Emmet, Ingo, and Theo are a dynamic Trio and bullying Ingo can actually be so personal. I think it's very much the sort of relationship where people are surprised when they find out Theo and Ingo are an item because like,,, they're so casual??

Like,, Ingo offhandedly says like, "Sorry, I'm going home. Come back tomorrow. My wife is making our anniversary dinner, and I can't be late."

And the challenger is just like, "yOUR WIFE??? YOU'RE MARRIED??"

And Ingo just,,, deadpan goes, "Yes? Did you not see my ring?" Forgetting that he's wearing gloves and just shakahsia

I need to stop, I'm going insane. Thank you so much Emile bestie you should NOT have encouraged me ahajjsnaan