#bridgerton crack

[vices-aand-virtues]

Bridgerton + Reductress Headlines (4/?)

[dearestgentlereaders]

the things I would do to get a scene where michaela stirling is flirting with all the bridgerton wives. like I want anthony and benedict realising they have no game compared to her literally none whatsoever. anthony would basically go into cardiac arrest when michaela is able to get the kate bridgerton flustered. colin is just in the corner contemplating suicide when penelope starts blushing cause he thought he was the only one who could make her feel that way.

[fayes-fics]

Innuendo Bingo

Pairing: Benedict Bridgerton x fem!reader, modern AU

Summary: Crack fic. Modern AU. Someone knows a LOT of stupid synonyms for orgasms...

Warnings: Teen and up. Sexual humour, a lot of stupidity. Non-explicit references to sex acts. Basically, I'm sorry.

Word Count: 0.8k

Authors note: Request fill for @sorryallonsy, who asked for Benedict crack fic with him coming up with stupid names for orgasms (ask HERE). I'm sorry this took SO LONG, especially as it is so short. However, I was in the mood to polish off (heheheh) something silly today, and this was just the ticket. Unbetaed cos it's ridiculous. Thanks, and err, enjoy, I guess? <3

Bridgerton family brunch happens once a month and is always memorable. The family usually takes over some swish eatery in central London for a few hours with their unique brand of noisy, chaotic camaraderie. Being Benedict's girlfriend, you are now a part of this melee. It’s one such Sunday when you are finishing your quite delicious but oversized meal that Benedict leans in.

“I can't wait to have you naked again,” he rumbles right in your ear.

You almost spit your last mouthful all over the table. After a few beats, you recover enough to reply.

“Your mother is right there!” you chastise sotto voce, nodding imperceptibly across the table, pulling a pointed expression, even as your mind is filled with images of him waking you up just this morning with his tongue between your thighs.

“Please,” he withers good-naturedly. “I have seven siblings. Do you really think this libido isn't genetic?” he jests, a hand on your knee now. 

“Stop it!” you giggle, not wanting to think of his mother that way.

 “Also, she is not paying us any mind,” he points out, crowding closer. 

Indeed, she is engrossed in a chat with Kate and has one of Daphne’s kids ensconced in her lap, diverting all her attention.

“Besides, are you telling me you don't want to have another orgasm today?” he goads, lips warm on your neck as those fingers spider higher up your thigh, knowing precisely what your weak spots are and exploiting them.

“Well, now… I didn’t say that…” you counter, eyes fluttering closed briefly at his onslaught. “But I might need a few hours after all this food,” you mime a bloated stomach.

It's his turn to chuckle, a warm sound that skitters over your skin. “That's fair,” he assesses. “Can't be releasing the Kraken if you have a food baby…”

You can't help but emit a bark of laughter at that. Everyone at the table looking briefly askance at you before resuming their discussions.

“The what?” you wheeze.

“You heard me,” he quips warmly. “Don't like that? I've got a million more,” he vows, eyes twinkling with mischief.

“Don't…” you warn softly, but that just seems to goad him on.

“Making waffles? Popping the weasel…?”

“Waffles?” you frown, “I thought it was whoopee?”

“That too,” he smiles, eyes crinkling in that adorable way as he continues. “Petting the cat? Nulling the void? You can cuff my carrot, and I’ll dial your rotary phone?” each phrase is delivered full of mirth, close to your ear, and you can't help the stupid grin on your face.

“Stop it,” you protest weakly, nudging him gently with your elbow but having to muffle your laughter into his shoulder.

“I’ll stop when you stop finding them funny…” he counters genially. “Marching the penguin? Downstair DJing? Turning on the sprinklers? Debugging the hard drive?”

Each one has you hopelessly sniggering to the point you can't breathe, and little tears form at the corner of your eyes.

“What in God's name are you doing to your girlfriend, Benedict?” Anthony’s voice suddenly rings out from the head of the table. “It looks like she is about to die… hands where I can see them, please!”

Everyone at the table twists to look at you and laughs as both of you instantly raise your hands as if being held hostage; you mortified by the idea everyone thinks you might be up to things in front of them all, even though you know Anthony is joshing. 

But then Benedict murmurs a quiet parting shot out the corner of his mouth. 

“Chastising the family… jewels...”

And yeah, your loud snort is definitely undignified.

—

You are back at his place relaxing on the sofa a few hours later - When Harry Met Sally is playing on the TV - when he wraps an arm around your shoulder.

“Fancy doing a Meg Ryan?” he whispers, his tone laced with levity.

“Bit late for that. We left the restaurant a few hours ago,” you sigh in mock disappointment, a playful smile tugging at the corner of your mouth.

“I don't mind a private performance,” he breezes, trailing a hand over your neckline and nuzzling your cheek. “I rather like the idea of watching you paddle your pink canoe….”

Yeah, no, you definitely lose it at that one. 

Collapsing into him, your laughter does not even subsidise when he unzips your dress with his practised skill.

“Please… one ticket to the solo show just for me?” he implores, kissing along your jaw. “Visit that safety deposit box? Orbit Venus? A little double-clicking?”

“You are going to need to stop…” you object faintly, an odd mix of lightness from giggling so much and arousal coursing through you as his fingers circle over your underwear.

“Never…..” he teases in that gravelly tone that always persuades you.

“Fine, but only if I can watch you polish your bannister…” you throw back, pushing off your underwear with a comic flourish.

His laugh is deep and all-consuming, racking his whole frame as he suddenly scoops you up and strides towards his bedroom.

“Deal!”

Benedict taglist: @foreverlonginguniverse @colettebronte @aintnuthinbutahounddog @severewobblerlightdragon @writergirl-2001 @heeyyyou @enichole445 @enchantedbytomandhenry @ambitionspassionscoffee @chaoticcalzoneranchsports @nikaprincessofkattegat @baebee35 @crowleysqueenofhell @fiction-is-life @lilacbeesworld @broooookiecrisp @queen-of-the-misfit-toys @eleanor-bradstreet @divaanya @musicismyoxygen84 @benedictspaintbrush @miindfucked @cayt0123 @hottytoddyhistory @truly-dionysus @fictionalmenloversblog @zinzysstuff @malpalgalz @panhoeofmanyfandoms @kinokomoonshine @causeimissu @delehosies @m-rae23 @last-sheep @kmc1989 @desert-fern @starkeylover @corpseoftrees-queen @magical-spit @bunnyweasley23 @how-many-stars-in-the-sky @amygdtjhddzvb @sya-skies @balladynaaa @urfavnoirette

[beastsovrevelation]

Imagine if they

Swapped universes.

Beelzebub now has two daughters, bewildered and uncertain what in tarnation happened to their gentle, lovely mother.

I feel Beelzebub would eventually threaten to disembowel Anthony, if he doesn't marry Kate.

Mary is petrified... At first. She'd soon grow sick of the filth, and make the demons scrub Hell, and themselves, spotless.

Oh, the shock Crowley will get, when he descends, only to find Hell the picture of cleanliness, his coworkers bathed, and the Lord of Flies in pastels.

[queenmeriadoc]

Him: Has no idea how to talk to women or people in general.

Her: Being pressured by their parents to find a husband™️ and decided to go for the first man they find no matter who or how they are.

Her: Are you unmarried?

Him: Sorry, no, have we met?

Her: No.

[spaceorphan18]

A little sunflower joking that a bee might pollenate her.

A little sunflower being pollenated by said bee.

[bitchcakegreen]

Thank you Nicola Coughlan for that scene. To finally see someone with the same body type as me in a scene of love like that, was moving and important. Bridgerton

[livelovecaliforniadreams]

[ohtendril]

colin & pen + text posts

[vices-aand-virtues]

Bridgerton + Reductress Headlines (1/?)

[dearestgentlereaders]

she’s the main character of my heart 🤍

[fayes-fics]

A-whoooga 🤣🤣🤣

Benedict x reader

3 Sentence Fic: A-whoooga

Masterpost

Pairing: Benedict Bridgerton x reader, modern AU

Warnings: none, really… this is humour/crack

Author’s Note: Hi lovely. I had to go for humour with a prompt like this. I also had to go a sentence over; I couldn't find a way to make just three work. I hope this raises a smile.😁🧡🧡

“Oh my god, how drunk did you let him get Eloise?!” You chastise as she pushes your paralytic boyfriend through the doorway of your flat at just past 1am.

She lays all the blame on Colin and hastily departs, leaving you with a very drunk Benedict leaning at a 45-degree angle against your wall, a stupid grin plastered over his reddened face, his hair sticking up at all angles—he looks like a literal clown.

“A-whooooga!” he slurs and clumsily honks your breasts.

“Yeah… seems about right,” you sigh, rolling your eyes and attempting to manhandle the mass of uncoordinated limbs towards the bedroom.

No taglist, as these are tiny drabbles.

[crispyliza]

I just realized that early fanfiction sites provided me my first sex education.

[queenmeriadoc]

Me as a Featherington sibling: So, Colin Bridgerton, are your truly worthy of my sisters affections? Or will I have to kill you?

Penelope Featherington: She is kidding.

Me: I am not.

[rainbow-sunshine-unicorn]

I don’t mind the “you are the bane of my existence and the object of all my desires” speech being the more well-known of Anthony’s confessions but what really bothers me is the lack of hype for the “I love you…You do not have to accept it or embrace it or even allow it. Knowing you, you probably will not” bit from his proposal speech.

Because it is genuinely sooo hilarious to me that even in the midst of his heartfelt love confession, where he’s laying his soul bare to Kate, he can’t help but banter the littlest bit, going “knowing you, you probably will not”.

And Kate doesn’t let it go either, answering back with, “there will not be a day where you do not vex me”

It always gets me so bad because throughout the season both Kate and Anthony have the weight of the world on their shoulders and the only time we see them really laughing is in each other’s presence.

And so, that their final love confession embodies this humour that they share with each other is so genuinely poignant, because it was falling in love with each other that brought back that brought back laughter they had lost to circumstances back into their lives.