#bricriu's feast

[shamblingrevenant]

I was yapping about the Ulster Cycle in my DM's DMs as usual, which then led to me having the realisation that Bricriu is like if a D&D Bard went wildly off the rails, which led to this

[matchanne]

I find it interesting and probably hilarious to a degree about how Emer has several moments where she seems ‘larger than life’, which puts the common assumption of her being a mere mortal into doubt sometimes. Well, for me at least…

I mean…

Her father and aunt having the ability to shape shift and send a horde of demons(?) to kill Cú Chulainn (Come to think of it, isn’t she the grand niece of Tethra through her father?).

Her marriage condition for her future husband is to ‘kill an army’ (To summarize it at least…)

Was able to outrun the other wives during Bricriu’s feast on the ‘basis of her speed’, usually described as ‘faster than a chariot’ (Do you think she could outrun Achilles or Atalanta on Nerofest?)

Describes her husband’s warp spasm as ‘beautiful’ (Lady, you’ve got some uhh ‘interesting’ kinks going on over there 😅)

Has the balls to kill her love rival who is a fairy queen. Heck, she even challenged her husband to a fight 🤯

Like…Emer you sure you’re really ‘normal’???

[oddnub-eye]

The Emer Post

Emer, wife of Cú Chulainn, is fucking rad. Personally, she’s one of my favorite characters in the Ulster Cycle, tied only with Cú Chulainn himself. And this makes sense, given that, at least in my readings, they seem to parallel each other in several ways.

The build up to the introduction of Emer seems to emphasize this, “Cuchulaind said that no woman should go with him but she who was his equal in age and shape and race, and skill and deftness, who was the best handworker of all the maidens in Erin”. The buildup to Emer emphasizes that she is more or less “his equal in her own fields”. Where Cú Chulainn has established himself as the best of the best of warriors, he seeks a wife who is the best of the best among them, with Emer fulfilling those conditions. Their actual “introductions” parallel each other. Emer is introduced with her foster-sisters, the daughters of the lords around Forgall’s dun. She appears to be the leader of the group, as she is teaching them, teaching being a position that implies more experience, or superiority. This is similar to how Cú Chulainn’s interactions with the boy-troop of Ulster is described in The Boyhood Deeds of Cú Chulainn; Cú Chulainn defeating all the other boys in the games they play, and taking them under his protection, proving himself to be the best of the bunch. They both, at separate points, are established as “the best” of their given fields and the best among their peers.

This shared superiority in their fields and abilities is reaffirmed in Bricriu’s Feast. While the major plotline and events of the story focus around Cú Chulainn fighting over the “Champion’s Portion” with Conall Cernach and Loegaire, Emer competes with their wives in a battle of words to try and claim who is the best. Emer takes the opportunity to assert her superiority and that she is the “the standard of women, in figure, in grace, in wisdom; None my equal in beauty, for I am a picture of graces...”. As if to be a visual metaphor of Emer winning, where Conall and Loegaire lift one of the building's pillars to allow their wives to enter the house, Cú Chulainn lifts the entire house off its foundations, “till the stars of heaven were to be seen under the wattle.”

Emer, however, did not view Cú Chulainn in the same favor or equivalence that he saw in her. When Cú Chulainn approached her for marriage, she did not immediately agree to his conditions, laying her three famous marriage conditions, “until he has killed a hundred men at every ford from Scenmenn ford on the river Albine, to Banchung - the “Woman’s Yoke” that can hold a hundred”, “until he has done the feat of the salmon-leap carrying twice his weight in gold, and struck down three groups of nine men in one stroke, leaving the middle man of each nine unharmed,” and “who hasn’t gone sleepless from Samain, when summer goes to its rest, until Imbolc, when the ewes are milked at spring’s beginning.”

She does come around after Cú Chulainn agrees to attempt to fulfill these conditions, even shooting down her father’s attempts to marry her off to Lugaid. She also marries Cú Chulainn after he fulfills her marriage conditions.

Arguably, Emer’s shining moment as a character comes in Serglige Con Culainn, otherwise known as The Wasting Sickness of Cú Chulainn. Which seems strange at the outset, considering that it's arguably the story where she’s at her most unlikable. Most versions of Serglige Con Culainn you can find are pieced together from two separate tellings, with the role of “Emer” being filled by the woman Ethne in the first half. However, Emer begins to be used in the back half as the primary character, and arguably is the protagonist over Cú Chulainn for this portion of the story. And in this half after Emer starts being used, much of her actions don’t come off as those of a particularly likable or even those of a character we would deem as “in the right”; for the some-odd year her husband has been suffering wasting sickness, she’s not been by his side (Ethne was described as such, but Emer explicitly needs to be fetched from Emain Macha by Laeg), she shames Laeg (who traveled to the otherworld to seek information about curing Cú Chulainn) for not returning with a cure, she badmouths the Ulsterman who had stayed by Cú Chulainn’s side for not fixing the problem, she shames Cú Chulainn for “lying prostrate for a woman’s love” despite knowing their was fae bullshit and involved, and then, in probably the crowning moment of “what the fuck” in the story, despite spurring Cú Chulainn to go to Fand, and knowing full well that Fand both beat wasting sickness into her husband and that Fand wants to marry Cú Chulainn, reacts rather violently when she finds out about the tryst between Fand and Cú Chulainn.

Let me repeat this for emphasis. Emer knows that Fand wants her husband’s hand in marriage, having established that as a consequence of him doing what he needs to do to free himself from the wasting sickness, shames Cú Chulainn for having wasting sickness, sends him to Fand, and then reacts violently when all of that ends exactly how you think it does.

However, the interesting thing is, Emer is not portrayed as incorrect, foolish, or negative in any way for that. In fact, it is instead another thing meant to establish Emer as “the bestest wife”. She is “the hero” of this part of the story. In her debate with Cú Chulainn regarding Fand, Emer wins. She’s the one with the most iconic line of the story “Yet fair seems all that's red; seems white what's new alone; and bright what's set o'erhead; and sour are things well known…”

And this is because Emer isn’t actually meant to be the sole hero of this story. Indeed, we are supposed to sympathize with Fand in her plight as well. That is why the detail of Fand’s dissatisfaction in her marriage with Manannan is included. We are supposed to sympathize with Emer for Fand’s interference and her life, and her response to Fand’s status as a threat to her position, as well as sympathizing with the plight of Fand and how it isn’t necessarily wrong of her to seek Cú Chulainn. Fand’s love for Cú Chulainn is equated to Emer’s in the text, shown through both of their attempts to yield him to the other. Likewise, both Emer and Fand are established as “ideal wives”, described as having the traits of one, for the sake of both Cú Chulainn’s arguments to Emer, and to further drive home how both Fand and Emer are meant to be viewed as sympathetic. It is something that is driven home even further when Fand confronts Manannan, reminding him of her status as “the bestest wife” echoing Emer’s assertion to Cú Chulainn during the actual conflict of the story.

A minor thing that’s intriguing about this is how it almost seems to mirror the “myth moral gap” that is present in so many other stories about ancient heroes. The values these heroes adhere to are different from ours, and this is present across nearly all ancient stories. Emer and Fand’s “hero-like” position in this tale proves no different; beating wasting sickness into the object of your affection, shaming your partner for getting his ass beat, badmouthing the people who stayed by his side when you did not would hardly be considered behaviors of a “good” partner, much less supposedly the “best of the best”. But, they are not framed as slights against Emer or Fand within Serglige Con Culainn.

Emer is fucking rad. She’s a pretty interesting character, via her parallels to Cú Chulainn and her proactivity across various stories; even appearing as what could be described as “the hero” of a few of them. Fair is the plain indeed, as Emer stands above several of her compatriots in the Ulster Cycle in terms of interest and being pretty damn awesome.

Source List:

Early Irish Myths and Sages; Jeffery Gatz

The Tain; Thomas Kinsella

Fled Bricrend (The Feast of Bricriu); George Henderson

The Wooing of Emer by Cu Chulainn; Kuno Myer

The Sickbed of Cu Chulainn; Maelmuiri mac Ceileachair

[incorrect-ulster-cycle]

Okay, so my job is to get drunk and insult people. I think I can hack that.

Bricriu, probably

[atlantic-riona]

A Retelling of Bricriu’s Feast

(or, as I like to call it, “Who Will Be Ireland’s Top Couple?”)

disclaimer: this is a very paraphrased, pieced together retelling of a myth. it’s got bits that are summarized and bits that are added and bits that are skipped over and bits that are from a ton of different versions.

it’s how I would tell this story to someone who has no prior knowledge of Irish myths; when I retell Irish myths to kids, this is usually the style I tell them in. it’s meant to be funny and entertaining. it’s not at all scholarly. if you want the actual myths, please feel free to ask! I’ll tell you my sources so you can see the original.

with that out of the way, here we go:

Bricriu throws a feast and he’s trying to get all the Ulstermen to fight

bear in mind he spent a year building a lavish house SPECIFICALLY for this purpose, with a secret balcony for him to be able to see everything going on without being seen

Bricriu is The Troublemaker™ of Ireland

anyway when everything’s ready, off he goes to Emain Macha, where the king of Ulster (Conchobar) and the Ulaid (men of Ulster) are throwing their own party

Bricriu tells Conchobar about all the cool house he built and how he’s throwing a feast there, wouldn’t he like to come? Conchobar, not being great at recognizing when Mischief Is Afoot, is like, “sweet! I’ll go if everybody else will go”

then good old Fergus mac Roich and all the other chieftains go, “mmm...hard pass”

“if we go to his feast, he’ll make us fight, and then our dead will outnumber the living”

you think they’re being dramatic but you haven��t seen Bricriu’s response yet

Bricriu: if you don’t go to my party I’ll do way worse than that

Conchobar *side eyes him*: like...what?

Bricriu: I’ll make all the kings and warriors and youths and chiefs fight each other, and you’ll all murder each other unless you come to my party

Conchobar:

the other Ulaid:

Conchobar: yeah, no, we do that on a daily basis anyway. what else you got?

Bricriu: okay, if that’s not bad enough, I’ll make all the daughters and mothers fight each other, and if that’s not enough for you, I’ll make all the women fight each other until their breasts are RUINED

the Ulaid: *horrified gasp*

Fergus, a known womanizer: noT THE WOMEN

Fergus: we gotta go to this party

luckily, the other chieftains hold off long enough to come up with a plan (mainly due to Sencha, a judge and poet, who is like. the only one here with any common sense)

and their plan is to demand hostages from Bricriu to ensure their safety AND as soon as the feast is ready to be eaten, eight swordsmen will force Bricriu to leave the room so he can’t incite them to violence

outwardly Bricriu’s all, “of course! no problem! I just want us all to have a good time!” while on the inside he’s cackling maniacally or something

“YES THEY FELL INTO MY TRAP”

all the Ulaid happily march off to Bricriu’s new house (free food! drink! a good time had by all! except NOT)

Bricriu spends the whole time plotting, and finally hits upon a way to incite mischief (as he usually does) along the way

he sidles up to a hero named Loegaire and starts praising him (very poetically, might I add), and finally tells him that he definitely deserves the Champion’s Portion

[scholarly digression #1: the Champion’s Portion in Irish mythology is where the warrior who’s considered the bravest is awarded the best cut of meat and given precedence over all others. lots of fights get started over it. like this one!]

and Loegaire’s like, “no duh, of course I deserve it”

Bricriu says that Loegaire should take his advice if he wants to be recognized as The Best in Ireland, and Loegaire happily agrees (I guess he also is Unable To Recognize when there is Mischief Afoot)

Bricriu then goes off and describes what the Champion’s Portion will be at his feast

(it’s a descriptive list, Irish myths do this a lot, but basically it goes like this: a cauldron big enough to fit three men full of wine, a boar and a cow that will be super tasty because of how they’ve been fed, and 100 wheatcakes cooked in honey)

forgot to mention that the Champion’s Portion doesn’t just have to be the best cut of meat, so there’s that

and then he tells Loegaire that when the feast is ready, to have his charioteer stand up and the Champion’s Portion will be given to him

questions: how?? where is it all gonna go?? is Loegaire expected to eat that in one sitting???

alas, there are no answers given to us

by the end of this, Loegaire’s all pumped up and tells Bricriu that the portion better be given to him, or else blood will be spilled

when Conchobar said that killing each other was a daily occurrence, he wasn’t kidding, guys

Bricriu then goes to Conall Cernach, another hero, and repeats the same spiel, amping up the deceit, so he’s twice as slimy, I guess

Conall also doesn’t recognize Stranger Danger and falls for the lies

THEN Bricriu goes to Cúchulainn (who is, just so you know, the Hero of this particular cycle of Irish mythology), and really lays it on thick

Bricriu: why should anybody else get the Champion’s Portion when you exist?

Cúchulainn: anyone who tries to take the Champion’s Portion besides myself will lose their head, courtesy of me

Bricriu: nice. very violent

Bricriu then goes and mingles like there’s no tomorrow, pretending that he didn’t just set up the most awful prank ever

they get to the house, everybody settles in, the feast gets set up, and then everybody gives Bricriu The Look

as he’s being escorted out at swordpoint, he points out the Champion’s Portion and says it should go to the best warrior in Ulster

the Irish equivalent of Eris throwing the Apple of Discord into the midst of the Greek gods, only manlier

the three heroes’ charioteers stand up in order to get the champion’s portion for their respective masters and do a collective double take when they see the others, only with more shouting and insults

then the three heroes start fighting while the rest of the Ulaid sit at the table, looking at each other like “I just wanted to eat my food, can we please not”

finally Sencha tells Conchobar, “hey. can you like...be the king and stop this?” (I told you he was the only one with any common sense)

Conchobar and Fergus break up the fight and then Sencha says, “right, here’s how this is going to work. we’re going to divide it equally among everybody tonight—YES, everybody, sit down, Loegaire—and then tomorrow we’ll get judgement from elsewhere. everybody go off and get drunk now”

which they do, happily

Bricriu, sitting in his hidden balcony with his wife, is Not Pleased at the way his mischief is being ruined, courtesy of Sencha, and starts thinking up ways to start up fights between the wives who accompanied their husbands here

he sees Fedelm, the wife of Loegaire, leaving the hall with her fifty attendants, in search of fresh air (because they’d all been drinking a lot) and goes, “oh! new idea!”

he tells her (and then as they come out in turn, Conall’s wife Lendabair and Cúchulainn’s wife Emer) that whoever gets back inside the hall first is the Best Woman in Ulster

all the ladies are like, “nice. it’s going to be me”

gotta love that confidence

they mosey about outside, breathe in that nice night air, and then eventually decide to go back in and rejoin the party

so at first, they’re walking back all stately. then, they start to move faster. and then it becomes an all out sprint

they cause so much noise (because their attendants are really confused and also running, and there’s probably about a hundred of those people) that all the warriors, inside, think they’re under attack

they jump up and make as if to kill each other

because that’s a good reaction

but then again, as you’ve seen, the Ulaid will kill each other for no reason at all, so why are we surprised

but Sencha’s like “WAIT THIS IS BRICRIU AGAIN” so he orders the doors to be shut so that there won’t be fighting and killing on behalf of the women

Emer’s the fastest, so just as the door closes she reaches the entrance and tells them to open it because she won. Cúchulainn’s like, “sweet,” and gets up to open the door for her, but then the other ladies’ husbands go, “wait. MY wife is the best,” and they get up too

they don’t even know what their wives are competing in, but they support them anyway

now THAT’S some relationship goals right there

FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT

Conchobar’s all “STOP STOP STOP” and makes them all sit down (though if I was going to bet on that fight I would bet on Cúchulainn) and he says they’ll have to duel this out with words

(epic rap battle)

(but not really)

so each of the other ladies give a quick speech about how they’re the bestest and queenliest and prettiest, and their husbands are the greatest heroes, and so they should be let in first

and then Emer destroys them

she’s like, “okay you might be pretty but actually WAIT NO YOU’RE NOT”

“I’m the most beautiful AND I’m the wisest AND I’m the most graceful in the whole darn country”

“and everybody KNOWS IT”

“Mary Poppins might be practically perfect in every way, but I’m actually perfect in every way”

(obviously I’m doing some extreme paraphrasing here)

and then she goes, “oh, you know who else is perfect? my husband” and basically calls the other ladies’ husbands feeble when compared to Cúchulainn and goes on a rant on how great her husband is

anyway, after this praise, all the husbands are all, “yeah, my wife is DEFINITELY the Best so I’m gonna let her in now. doors? who needs doors?”

the other two rip out parts of the wall so their wives can come in

but Cúchulainn casually lifts up one side of the house so Emer AND all her attendants (plus the other wives’ attendants) can get in

which they do, and Emer’s looking around like, “yep, I am the Best and so’s my husband, beat that”

and then Cúchulainn goes ���meh” and drops the house, but it goes too far into the ground so it’s lopsided now

which happens to knock Bricriu and his wife over off their secret balcony into the mud

so Bricriu storms into the house, unrecognizable because he’s covered in mud, points a finger at the Ulstermen and yells, “FIX THIS,” and puts a geis on them so they won’t eat or sleep or drink until everything in his house has been put back in order

and the Ulstermen are like “oh no” “our dinner is in danger”

(as their dinner often is)

so they go out and do their best, but it doesn’t budge. they ask Cúchulainn to fix it and he tries to lift the house again, but fails. he gets angry about this and gets undergoes his warp spasm (a.k.a. all his hair gets sucked into his head and his ribs become really prominent and a lot of weird stuff happens to him. like the Hulk, but more disturbing. I don’t know. Cúchulainn goes through a lot) and puts the house back where it was.

then everybody’s like, “thank god, food,” and they sit down to eat.

but everybody’s still talking about who is The Best, and the women are still arguing about it, which makes their husbands get up in arms about it, so finally Sencha (still the only one with any common sense) goes, “guys. please. we’re eating. save the drama for after the food”

and Emer goes, “make me” and proceeds to reiterate why she and Cúchulainn are The Best. why? because she can. and nobody’s gonna stop her.

so Connall says to her, “okay, and? let’s see him do all this great stuff you’ve been saying he can do”

dude’s looking for a fight I guess

Cúchulainn, normally all about fighting everybody, passes because he had a busy day and needs to recuperate before fighting anyone

which is true, he had a very busy day. he was busy wrestling a horse that came out of a lake so he could ride it everywhere.

goals

and then he lifted up an entire house. twice. dude’s tired

he tells everybody this and then says, “fighting you will be fun, but later. need to eat. and sleep. then I’ll fight and maybe kill you”

*thumbs up*

anyway the fighting is put on hold for a couple days

but then the heroes start bickering about it, so Bricriu tells them to go to a man named Curoi mac Daire so he can judge them

you know the drill. each hero sets out separate from the others and rides through the night, with their charioteers. at some point a magic mist shows up and makes them lose their way. a giant appears and they fight. Conall and Loegaire end up running away, ditching their chariots and charioteer. tsk, tsk. Cúchulainn, however, beats up the giant, who forfeits. Cúchulainn heads back towards Emain (and he brings the other heroes’ stuff back with him to boot)

do they thank him? ABSOLUTELY NOT

Bricriu’s about to give Cúchulainn the Champion’s Portion, but the other heroes go “uh-uh. no way. that was not human. that was a guy from the Otherworld. he’s probably a friend of Cúchulainn’s. that whole thing was RIGGED”

so nothing’s solved and everyone’s back to fighting again

Conchobar’s all, “gotta get these guys OUT of here,” and decides to bring them to Aillil and Medb in Cruachan (a rival king and queen, who are kind of like the Ulaid’s frenemies? it’s complicated)

everybody heads off to Cruachan, but Cúchulainn hangs behind to entertain the ladies by performing feats with apples and knives and javelins, as one does

his charioteer Laeg finally goes up to him and says , “dude. buddy. are you stupid or what? everybody else has already reached Cruachan by now, you’ve lost the Champion’s Portion”

this is usually how Laeg talks to him, btw

running on Pure Spite™, Cúchulainn says, “I think NOT” and they set off towards Cruachan, Laeg insulting him the whole way to make him go faster

they go so fast that they get there first

also they cause an earthquake on the way in

rip

more feasting commences

then Conchobar brings up why they’re here and gets Aillil and Medb to agree to be the judge. as soon as that’s done, he and the other Ulstermen yeet themselves out of there as fast as possible

depending on the version, three magic cats attacked the heroes while they were eating or while they were sleeping. either way, Conall and Loegaire jump to the rafters and stay there for the rest of the night.

Cúchulainn doesn’t do anything until one of the cats tries to eat him or tries to eat his food (it’s unclear). either way, Cúchulainn ain’t having it. he tries to chop off its head, but it bounces off the creature’s neck. because magic. so he basically stays on guard against the cats all night

(kind of reminds me of all my friends with cats who try to walk on their faces during the night so they have to protect themselves)

(Extreme Cat Owner Sport)

in the morning, the cats disappear, Aillil and Medb come in. “awesome, looks like we have a winner,” they say, eager to wash their hands of the Ulster heroes. “NO WAY,” say Conall and Loegaire. “that was RIGGED. this is a contest between MEN, not MAGIC PEOPLE. this doesn’t count”

it’s unclear whether they’re still in the rafters at this point. I like to think they are, because that’s way funnier

Aillil’s like “oh dear” and sits in his bedroom for a few days because he’s so worried about this. finally Medb loses patience (as Medb often does), and says, “you coward! make up your mind or I will”

Aillil waffles and says the decision is really difficult

Medb says, “think again. Loegaire and Conall Cernach are as different as bronze and silver, while Conall Cernach and Cúchulainn are as different as silver and gold. this decision is a piece of cake”

and then Medb goes, “wait, I just had a really great idea that will get these guys out of our hair AND make Conchobar upset. I’m going to do it”

“you’re not even going to think about it for a second?” Aillil says uncertainly

“absolutely not. I’m a genius.” and away she goes

she summons the heroes one by one

to Loegaire, she says, “you are Ulster’s greatest hero and you deserve the Champion’s Portion. here’s a bronze cup. but don’t show it to anybody until you get back to Ulster, m’kay?”

Loegaire goes “nice” and they both drink some wine. then he leaves for Ulster

she does the same spiel for Conall, only he gets a silver cup instead of a bronze. they drink, he leaves.

Medb sends someone for Cúchulainn because he hasn’t shown up yet.

in one version, he’s asleep.

in another, he’s playing chess with Laeg.

anyway, the messenger shows up and Cúchulainn offs him with either a rock or a chess-piece. he’s a big fan of killing the messenger. this is not a new thing.

Medb puts her arms around his neck (is she trying to hug him? stab him? who knows) but Cúchulainn is all “you’re about to get slaughtered if you don’t get your hands off me”

“but Cúchulainn, I was going to say that you’re The Best,” Medb says, very slyly

“well in that case let’s go”

they go, Medb tells him that he’s The Best, and gives him a really sweet golden cup with precious gems all over it. and, bonus, she says that Emer is also The Best

this makes Cúchulainn happy. he drinks a lot of wine and leaves.

which makes Medb and Aillil happy. everybody’s happy.

but it is not The End yet

in some versions there are more tests, but I’ll sum them up for you: everybody agrees Cúchulainn and Emer are The Best

there is definitely a pattern here

gosh if only a decision had been reached by multiple sources as to who’s the best so that all this fighting could be put to rest

alas

it was not to be

back on the ranch

in Ulster, all the heroes are back and it is Feasting Time

everything’s been served except for...

dun dun dun

the Champion’s Portion

someone asks the obvious question: “who’s it going to? none of the three returned with a prize from Medb”

DUN DUN DUN

Loegaire stands up and proclaims that he is the champion because Medb said so and also he has this wicked bronze cup she gave him so there

Conall Cernach and Cúchulainn scoff

Conall Cernach stands up and says “it is a well known fact that rock beats scissors and furthermore, that silver beats bronze”

he holds up the silver cup Medb gave him and declares himself the winner

“that’s a no, actually,” Cúchulainn says, and pulls out the really sweet golden cup Medb gave him. “rock beats scissors and silver beats bronze, but gold beats everything. so, actually, I’m The Best. also Medb said Emer is The Best so there.”

“absolutely not,” the other two say. “you totally paid Medb and Ailill to give that to you. LET’S FIGHT”

these two are very sore losers, aren’t they

Cúchulainn’s all “COME AT ME” but Conchobar and Fergus step in to restrain the other two (again)

sad

anyway, everybody agrees that this is getting to be way too much but they can’t think of a solution

what do they do

THEY FEAST OF COURSE

so everybody’s feasting and whatnot, when suddenly the doors blow open, all dramatic like

and in comes a giant, who’s super ugly and frightening. he’s carrying an axe and a chopping block

surprising no one, he’s not here to sell some Girl Scout cookies

it gets really awkward because the giant’s glaring at them and they’re trying to avoid his gaze until finally Sencha asks what he wants

the giant says “I want to meet someone who can keep a bargain. I’ve been all over the world looking for such a person, but I haven’t found him yet. I’ve heard that you Ulstermen are always boasting about your bravery and your honor, so I’m here to put it to the test.”

Conchobar goes “alright, sounds lit. what’s the bargain?”

“well, first of all, you and Fergus are disqualified because you’re kings, so jot that down,” the giant says. “my bargain is this: someone chops off my head tonight, and I chop off yours tomorrow”

(scholarly digression #2: this sounds like a King Arthur story to you, doesn’t it? good news! the two stories are indeed related.)

anyway it doesn’t sound like a great bargain to any of the Ulstermen and so they kind of just stare at the giant

the giant finally says (I guess he really wants to play a head-chopping game) “isn’t there some sort of champion competition going on here? who’s the bravest in all the land and all that? well? come on up here and show me who’s the bravest”

all eyes turn to Loegaire

who’s not looking thrilled to be chosen first, let’s be honest

so Loegaire meanders unwillingly over to the giant and says “I chop your head off, right?”

“that’s right,” says the giant placidly. “and then tomorrow I chop off yours”

not exactly reassuring

“but, uh” says Loegaire. the giant hands him the axe. “if I chop your head off won’t you be dead?”

the giant lays his head on the chopping block and says “if I chop your head off, will you?”

which is the teensiest bit chilling, ya know?

but in the end peer pressure wins out and Loegaire chops off the giant’s head, which bounces across the room from the force of the blow

gruesome

everything’s silent for a moment. the giant doesn’t move. Loegaire breathes a sigh of relief.

then the giant gets up, walks across the room to pick up his head, walks back across the room and retrieves the axe from a horrified Loegaire, grabs the chopping block and says “see you tomorrow night.”

he leaves, his neck still streaming blood.

it puts everyone off their dinner, which is the real tragedy of the night

so the next night, everyone is again assembled, but this time they’re waiting for the giant to show up and kill Loegaire (I guess ‘cause there was nothing better to do)

the giant shows up, but Loegaire fled Emain and no one knows where he went

honestly? I don’t blame him

“sad,” the giant says. “who’s next?”

all eyes turn to Conall

he also does not look thrilled at being singled out

but again, peer pressure wins out, so he chops off the giant’s head

probably hoping that this time the death would actually stick

but it didn’t

giant gets up, retrieves his head and belongings, and heads out. “see you tomorrow night.”

tomorrow night arrives, and everybody’s waiting. the giant shows up, but Conall is nowhere to be seen.

“hmph,” says the giant. “you’re all miserable cowards, the lot of you. Ulster’s full of boasters but no brave men. say, where’s Cúchulainn?”

a few fingers point

“he’s a miserable squinting fellow, I’ve heard, but let’s see if he can keep his word”

Cúchulainn’s all “thanks but no thanks” so the giant shrugs and says, “fine, I get it. you’re just scared of dying. not brave at all. oh, well.” he turns to leave

“whAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?”

spoilers: Cúchulainn does Not Like being called a coward

he jumps up, runs forward, and grabs the axe from the giant

“LET’S GO”

he chops off the giant’s head, the giant gets back up and says “see you tomorrow night”

one version I read has Emer none too happy about this, and I kind of like it

“seriously Cúchulainn?? a mysterious stranger shows up and recovers from a beheading, and you agree to let him chop off your head? how can you be The Best if you’re DEAD”

priorities

tomorrow night arrives, the giant shows up and bellows “where is Cúchulainn?”

“here I am,” Cúchulainn says. he’s a lil depressed. understandably.

the giant has him come over to the chopping block and lay his head down. “stretch out your neck more,” the giant says

“it’s stretched,” Cúchulainn says

“it’s too tiny for me to chop. stretch it out more.”

Cúchulainn grumbles, most likely at the implication that he’s short, but stretches his neck out as far as it can go

the giant raises the axe

everybody looks away

the giant brings down the axe so that it lands on the floor. “congrats, you win”

everybody’s all “???”

( Cúchulainn’s all “neato I’m not dead”)

the giant says “you win the contest. you get the Champion’s Portion because you are the greatest hero in Ulster. also Emer is the greatest lady in Ulster. together, you two are The Best”

“aww yes,” Emer shouts. “also I’m glad you’re not dead, hon!”

“and,” the giant says, “anybody who contests this decision can FIGHT ME”

since he can recover from beheadings, nobody takes him up on the offer

Bricriu asks (like he doesn’t already know, pshh) who the giant is. the giant explains that he is Curoi Mac Daire, and he already judged the three of them when Bricriu asked him to (he was the giant that attacked them on the road), and he had chosen Cúchulainn as the winner. he came the last few nights to make sure that his verdict was upheld, since he knew Cúchulainn would be the only man in all of Ireland brave enough to fulfill his part in the bargain.

then he vanishes, and Cúchulainn is awarded the Champion’s Portion, and Emer is given the honor of going before all the other women in Ulster

and that’s how they became Ireland’s Top Couple

The End

[margridarnauds]

Honestly, I feel like it’s so integral to SGATGK as a text that it’s a YOUNG court. Arthur’s a young, boyish king who’s the type to tel his court that no one can eat unless they tell him a story. It’s all about growing up, becoming the figure that you ought to be, overcoming your pride and folly, and accepting that everyone, even the greatest knight, can stumble.

[nelfs]

"And my husband is Cuchulain. It is he is not a hound that is weak; there is blood on his spear, there is blood on his sword, his white body is black with blood, his soft skin is furrowed with sword cuts, there are many wounds on his thigh.

"But the flame of his eyes is turned westward; he is the strong protector; his chariot is red, its cushions are red; he fights from over the ears of horses, from over the breath of men; he leaps in the air like a salmon when he makes his hero leap; he does strange feats, the dark feat, the blind feat, the feat of nine; he breaks down armies in the hard fight; he saves the life of proud armies; he finds joy in the terror of the ignorant.”

^ early irish text husbando. bro does your man even leap in the air like a salmon when he makes his hero leap? does he do the feat of nine??? bet not : /

[celticscholar]

FLED BRICRENN The Feast of Bricriu

FLED BRICRENN The Feast of Bricriu

I seem to have underestimated the number of little green books that I have so here are two more wonderful additions. As usual I will not be reviewing them in depth but I will talk about structure and the most interesting parts in them. As you must have read from the title of the post the books I will be taking about today are related to the Feast of Bricriu. And there are two books for this…

[withinycu-arch]

when your psycho ex shows up at your place with his monster nephew who once defeated your entire army and at least two other assholes expecting you to settle a bet:

[forfeda-project]

Bricriu Nemthenga ("poison-tongue") is a slippery figure from the Ulster Cycle of Irish mythology, who was the hospitaller in charge of a great feasting hall (bruiden) in Dun Rudraige, modern day Dundrum. Known for tricking Ulsters's greatest warriors into competing against each other for the Champion's Portion, no feast at Bruiden Bricriu remains uneventful for long…

I've always loved the look of traditional pub signs and whisky labels, and wanted to apply that design style to some of the iconic hostels and halls from the Ulster Cycle. The story of Fled Bricrenn ("Bricriu's Feast") is a personal favorite, and seemed like a fitting first subject. This piece features Bricriu's eponymous poison tongue, along with a nod to the folklore motif of the Beheading Game famously featured in Fled Bricrenn.

[matchanne]

I headcanon that Cú should be afraid of destroying buildings because of what he did during Bricriu’s feast 😆😂

[laurasimonsdaughter]

In January I followed an online lecture by celticist Dr. Nike Stam, who is working on a 16th century Irish manuscript that is anticlimactically called VLQ7, but that contains two very exciting pieces of Irish Mythology:

The only prose version of a Finn MacCool tale that was later called “Finn and the Phantoms”.

This is cool because we only have two manuscript versions of this story: the poetic version from the Book of Leister and this prose version. The beginning seems to be missing (the first page of the text is damaged), but it features Finn and his Fianna get their asses kicked by a household of strange figures who all disappear at sunrise. (There is a note at the end of the story by the scribe, saying: what a wondrous story this is.)

A version of Fled Bricrenn (Bricriu 's Feast), which is present in 5 other manuscripts.

This is cool because Fled Bricrenn is the first mention of “the beheading game” that the Green Knight plays with Gawain and because this particular version of the text might have an ending that doesn’t exist anywhere else. 

This lost ending is primarily what they’re studying this manuscript for at the moment and it’s very tragic:

This manuscript used to have no cover, so the first and last pages got very worn and dirty. Fled Bricrenn is told at the end of the manuscript. It’s a whacky story about how Bricriu Poison Tongue makes fools out of the Lords and Ladies of Ulster by playing pranks and pitting them against each other.

All other known versions of the tale end rather abruptly, but in the 19th century a German scholar looked at this manuscript and made a note that even though the last page was too dirty to read properly, he suspected this version of Fled Bricrenn might actually continue there. (The celticist lamented that 19th century German in cursive is much harder to read than any medieval script.)

No one managed to decipher it however, and when an American scholar came to look at it in the 1990’s someone at the library of Leiden where it is held made the mistake of giving it to “a nun in the country who does these sorts of things”. She tried to wash the last page and thereby also washed away most of the ink, leaving the page clean, but completely illegible.

The researchers hope that they will be able to find remnants of the text using multi-spectral imaging. If all goes well they’ll be trying that this summer and I really really really hope it will turn up something interesting!

[irelandseyeonmythology]

" One way to describe [Bricriu's Feast] would be as a certain type of fan fiction, which is a recent label that applies to many ancient literary practices, as well as more recent ones from the age of print and the Internet. A general definition might be that fan fiction is literature that stands (to borrow an image from Bernard of Chartres) on the shoulders of giants, and amplifies or revises the original; in that sense, even the Aeneid is a work of fan fiction with respect to Homer. The nascent field of Fan Fiction studies has begun to bring together qualifying narratives under one umbrella and to indicate some things that they have in common (see Jamison 2013 and Hellekson & Busse 2014). While Fan Fiction studies does not present a unitary interpretive lens, and does have many preoccupations that are not strictly relevant to Bricriu’s feast—such as how feminist and minority authors use fan fiction to interrogate more established or popular texts,24 or how fan fiction stands with respect to modern intellectual property and copyright law—it nevertheless allows us to adduce a class of parallels to Bricriu’s feast that might not otherwise come to mind."

- Professor Matthieu Boyd, "The timeless tale of Bricriu's feast"

[oddnub-eye]

Fanservant: Emer

Thank you once again to @vivienna-vivid for this amazing drawing of Emer she did for me. Emer

Class: Assassin

True Name: Emer

Gender: Female

Region: Ireland

Source: Irish Mythology (Ulster Cycle)

Alignment: True Neutral

Height: 165cm

Weight: 66.7kg

Parameters

Strength: D+

Endurance: B-

Agility: B+

Mana: C-

Noble Phantasm: B

Luck: B-

Class Skills

Presence Concealment Rank E-: As an assassin class servant, this skill was a natural one for Emer to possess. However, as she is not trained in the ways of an assassin, nor does she naturally do much to hide her presence, this skill does not do much for her.

Personal Skills

Six Gifts of Womanhood Emer possessed “The Six Gifts of Womanhood'' , and these manifest in her servant self as a skill that allows her to resist mental attacks and afflictions.

Golden Rule (Body) Rank A The possession of a perfect, goddess-like body. Beauty was one of the many things Emer was regarded for. It is obvious that Emer would have this skill, both after asserting her superiority over the other women of Ulster at Bricriu's Feast and proving to be a rival to the Fairy Queen Fand.

Fighting Words Rank A The ability for Emer to reduce the strength and ability of opponents she's fighting by asserting her superiority over them via her words. Is more potent against female targets, and even more potent against Fae, being particularly devastating against opponents who are both.

Noble Phantasm

Oinor Con Eimhear: My Honor, My Words, My Deeds - A vocal noble phantasm that manifests the power of Emer’s words. Activated by announcing both her own true name and the name of her Noble Phantasm, it laces Emer’s already charismatic and convincing speech with magic. This speech-based magic can have a wide variety of effects, from compulsion to encouragement. However, the most potent use of Oinor Con Emhear lies just beneath the surface. Truly, Oinor Con Eimhear works its magic best on a particular type of person: particularly those who remind her of her beloved husband. While compulsion from Emer would be practically irresistible (similar to how Emer’s words enabled Cu Chulainn to rise from his sickbed in order to go seek a cure) it is at its strongest when used to support these kinds of people; supercharging their magical energy and enabling them to fight with incredibly fervor. As you can see, Emer’s utility as a direct combatant is fairly limited, but her utility is nearly unmatched.

Personality

The perfect wife in all manner of ways. Chaste, humble, and wise.

A braggart who never misses the chance to boast her prowess and superiority.

Such is the contradiction of Emer, famed for her chastity, yet dirty talks Demigods in front of her friends and boasts about how all the Ulstermen would abandon their wives for her if only Emer would encourage it.

She’s more restrained as a servant than she was in life, preferring to keep her more blatant boasting infrequent, and sneaking in more subtle boasts where she can. Adds a bit of flavor to the boast, in her opinion. In spite of this, she still maintains an open confidence regarding everything she does. 

For all her outward confidence and poise, she has something of a weakness for those who remind her of her husband (or heroes in general). These types can get her flustered surprisingly easily.

 The perfect housewife with iron will, atmospheric standards, and an ego to match even the greatest of heroes.

Motive and Attitude Towards Master

Emer treats her master with a kind of reserved respect. While she is outwardly kind and respectful, she still judges her master based purely on her own standards. A brutal honesty is taken towards them - although not for the sake of being rude.

Emer’s wish for the Holy Grail is “To Spend One More Week Alongside her Beloved''. She has no interest in a full second life, but a week should be enough to enjoy all there is to enjoy. Enough time to properly say goodbye on her terms

Historical Depiction

The Wife of Cú Chulainn, greatest hero of the Ulster Cycle of Irish Mythology. The youngest child of Forgall Monach, and his favorite child. Even at a young age, Emer displayed all of the gifts of womanhood (Beauty, Sweet Speech, Needle Work, Voice, Wisdom, and Chastity).

 Cú Chulainn came to woo her when they were both 16, and it was love at first sight. However, Emer refused to be married to a nameless child, and demanded that Cú Chulainn perform great deeds before he was worthy to marry her. She also warned him against her father’s defenses, simultaneously providing him with great deeds to satisfy her. Cú Chulainn went off to train in the Land of Shadows, and soon enough returned, strong enough to thrash Forgall’s armys and retrieve Emer. 

Later, when the trickster Bricriu plotted to turn Ulster against itself, Emer competed against the wives of Ulster’s other two greatest heroes, and definitively bested them in both a footrace and a contest of words. Later, Emer would attempt to convince Cú Chulainn that he was going to fight his son Connla, but failed.

Emer’s greatest adventure in the legends would come during her husband’s wasting sickness, after the assault on him by Fand, wife of Manannan Mac Lir, a member of the Tuatha De Danann. It was Emer’s words that roused him from his wasting sickness in order to go to Fand in order to seek a cure. When Cú Chulainn returned with Fand, having fallen for her during his time in the Otherworld, Emer gathered a group of 50 women to kill Fand. When Cú Chulainn tried to argue on Fand’s behalf, Emer’s words decisively outmaneuvered both her husband’s and Fand’s, and he was returned to her. Manannan himself then appeared, to guarantee that Cú Chulainn and Fand would never cross paths ever again, with either Manannan himself or the druids of Ulster wiping the incident from the couple’s memory (this memory wipe is no longer in effect when Emer is summoned as a servant) . This dispute between Emer and Fand was one that she won decisively - cementing both her iron will and reaffirming her status as “the best” even when compared to Queens from the Otherworld. 

When Cú Chulainn’s end finally came, she mourned him greatly, and some even say that she allowed herself to be buried with him.

Relationships

Cú Chulainn (Lancer): Her beloved husband and model image of a hero. She takes him far less seriously than many others who may have known him - treating him with an extra layer of familiarity you’d expect from his spouse. Her wish for the grail is to reunite with him, so that they can say goodbye on her terms.

Cú Chulainn (Caster): Something of an enigma to Emer. While she knew magecraft was something her husband was capable of - she never remembered him preferring it compared to the spear or the sword. Of course, once she finds out how Caster Cú Chulainn himself feels about this situation, teasing him about his spearlessness came naturally.

Cú Chulainn (Prototype): Another enigma to Emer. While he certainly reminds her of “her” Cú Chulainn, both his younger age and nature of being from a different world/timeline makes her less open towards him compared to the other versions of her husband. She’ll still address him as “husband” but the two are far less close than Emer is with other Cú Chulainns.

Cú Chulainn (Alter): A Cú Chulainn not allowed to be “Cú Chulainn”, instead, the product of a wish made by Queen Medb upon the grail. As such, this is the Cú Chulainn Emer finds herself the most distant from, the one most separate from her. However, this does not stop Emer from loving him, from still seeing the Cú Chulainn within him. 

Queen Medb: In spite of being the one responsible for the death of her husband, Emer treats Queen Medb surprisingly amiably, akin to a friendly rival. Whether this friendliness is mutual is far more debatable. 

Diarmuid Ua Duibhne: Emer’s feelings towards Diarmuid are…conflicted, to say the least. While she admires Diarmuid on a personal level, and respects him as both a hero and a knight, his connections to Mannanan and fame for usurping the partner of a great hero make Emer uneasy due to causing an association with Fand.

Gilgamesh:  The arrogant king of heroes who is the “Natural Enemy’ of her husband. If Emer’s feelings towards Diarmuid are “conflicted” then her feelings on the King of Heroes are downright tumultuous.

Archer (EMIYA): Someone she notes has something of a…”complex” animosity towards her husband. Emer decidesthat their business has nothing to do with her and to engage with Archer on her own terms. They get along reasonably well, but are still rather distant.

[incorrect-ulster-cycle]

Fergus: You like a professional asshole or what?

Bricriu: Pretty much a pro.

[atlantic-riona]

some of my favorite moments in the ulster cycle in no particular order:

when Cúchulainn is fighting everyone during the Tain, but there’s this one guy who won’t fight him because he doesn’t have a beard, so Cúchulainn rubs berry juice all over his chin and speaks into a fistful of grass and, I quote, “everyone believed he had a beard” so then the other guy fought him and lost

when Medb of Cruachan asks a druid which of her sons will kill her enemy Conchobar, king of Ulster, and the druid responds, “Maine,” and none of Medb’s sons are named Maine so she flat out renames all seven of them Maine

just to be Sure

the best part is that one of her sons does indeed kill a man named Conchobar, just not the Conchobar that is king of Ulster (you know, the one Medb actually wanted dead)

Cúchulainn and Emer flirting in riddles

the part where Medb is about to invade Ulster but wants to get rid of one of her troops, the Galeoin, of three thousand men because they do everything too well. she thinks they’ll get all the credit for winning, but she won’t leave them behind in case they steal her lands while she’s away. when asked what should be done with them if they can neither stay nor come, she replies, “kill them.”and Fergus and Aillil are like “WHOA THERE”

Medb is generally Extra like that

the fact that nobody wakes up Cúchulainn anymore because someone tried to one day when he was sleeping late and he killed that person with part of his bed, which was a rock. because. (he was less than seven years old at the time, btw.)

Cúchulainn’s charioteer, Laeg, being absolutely Savage and poking fun at Cúchulainn whenever possible.

furthermore, the fact that Cúchulainn requests that Laeg insult him whenever it looks like he’s losing in a fight, so that Cúchulainn can win his fights with Pure Spite™

Deirdre just nopeing her way out of marrying/being with Conchobar

 the time when Ness, Conchobar’s mother, was told by Cathbad that if her child was born tomorrow instead of that day, he would share a birthday with Jesus (or he’d be a great king, depending on the version), so Ness just plops herself down on a rock. and sits there. until it’s the next day. which is an interesting way to delay birth

Fergus ditches being king to marry a girl?? (who happens to be Ness) and then the Ulstermen decide that they like Conchobar (who’s been giving them a ton of stuff) better, so they tell Fergus, “thanks, but no thanks. we’ll keep Conchobar. he gives us tons of stuff and also he doesn’t ditch us for girls.”

and he’s kind of salty about it for forever

so if you read the Ulster Cycle, you know that Cúchulainn kinda gets around a bit even though he’s married to Emer?

but then Cúchulainn falls in love with Fand, a goddess, and seems pretty serious about her. so of course Emer sharpens some knives, calls up some friends (about fifty of them, to be exact) and sets off to fight Fand (and Cúchulainn? a version I have kind of implies that).

anyway Emer’s out for blood

oh and all of her friends have knives too

ancient slumber parties am I right?

also Cúchulainn is NOT a fan of the philosophy “don’t kill the messenger” because he regularly tries to kill people sent by his friends/enemies/random people

Cúchulainn uh kills a lot of people who are technically his allies

as a kid he ends up killing fifty of his playmates and then flees to hide under Conchobar’s bed

when all of Ulster (understandably) goes after him, he lifts the bed?? with a bunch of Ulstermen on it?? and CHUCKS it into the middle of the house

and that’s the end of that I guess

it’s like Superman, but with rage

the phrase “naked women to him!” is used in all seriousness

in order to calm Cúchulainn down because the sight of the naked women will embarrass him and make him look away, allowing the Ulstermen to dunk him in some water and literally cool him off from his Rage

the entirety of Bricriu’s Feast is a delight

there’s so much more but that’s all I can think of right now