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nihyunluvskookie · 2 years ago

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Can’t get you out of my head.

Joshua one shot

Pairing: Joshua Hong x Female reader

Genre: hurt/comfort

Warnings: none

Word count: 2.2K

Author’s Note: After I watched one tweet (i added the link below, you can check it out), it just gave me idea to write, I just wanted to write, although I don’t know how it turned out, hope it didn’t turn out bad. I tried, to write something also the way Joshua was singing this part >>>>

Happy reading :)

Once, the concert was over, I saw everyone leaving. They left, Joshua left as well. They already went to the backstage. I was watching everyone leave one by one, after the venue was almost empty, I got up from my seat and started walking.

“Ity, Joshua invited us to the backstage, let’s go” Brendon told me, I shook my head. Our friends knew about us and they knew how I avoid everything related to him. “I don’t think I should go, he might get upset.” I told him, “Ity, you will be meeting him after eight years, do you really want to miss this chance? It’s been more than eight years” I wanted to say no, I wanted to tell Brendon that no I don’t want to miss this chance because I really want to meet him. but even before I could reply him anything, Daisy held my hand and started walking, I couldn’t even protest. I just found myself walking wherever my friends were going specially Daisy, since she was holding my wrist.

There were two ways, one led to exit another was for backstage. I looked to the way that led to the backstage and sighed. It reminded me of the way Joshua and I had an eye contact when he was singing ‘2 minus 1’ I was looking at him and when walked to the other side of the stage while singing, my eyes couldn’t leave him. I wondered did he notice me, because I saw his eyes softened a bit when he saw me then again, he left that place and started singing with Vernon and the way he sang his lines

“I can’t get out of my head, yeah!

Gotta get you out of my head, yeah

how can you be so fine when I’m I’m I’m”

I could never forget the expression and the look on his face. I could never. Somewhere it felt like he was telling me he was fine, while singing the song and then as if he told me I must be fine but he couldn't get me out of his hand and as if telling me he never thought I would be this fine after we broke up. I saw him after almost eight years, after distancing myself from his world. All these years I wanted to stop myself thinking about him but how could I erase and forget a person who was supposedly my first love and gave me my best memories, I don’t cry anymore like I used to do, I stopped crying over him but the longing feelings which I always had, it was always inside me. Even today when I saw him on stage, I realized how I was always on denial and I actually missed him more than anything. How could I not when he was my youth, when he left me at 18, broke up with me, I broke into pieces. All the trust I had ever put in a guy, Joshua took away everything, I gave all of me to him and he left me there.

Alone.

After few months when I got to know he left LA, I was broken mess.

And I was insane when I got the front tickets for today’s concert. I don’t know why I impulsively did it back then when the tickets were on sale but I brought the tickets. After I brought the ticket, I got to know my highschool friends were going as well. I told Brendon, I got my ticket and he suggested that it would be nice if we could go and come back together. I agreed to it. After the concert ended, Brendon texted me to wait where I was and he would come and we could go meet Joshua in backstage. And here I am walking towards the backstage, I have no idea how would he react to see me. I wanted to tell myself to stay calm but my heart was beating insane. He came back to LA after three years, last time when he came, it was for Seventeen’s concert.

“Ity, trust me, you would feel better after you meet him” I heard Brendon say this to me, I tried smiling but then I heard a voice, “hey guys” and I froze. Daisy let go of my wrist.

“Hey Josh” I heard Brandon say, I saw him walking towards him and hugging him tight. I saw him walking towards me and Daisy, he was smiling. The moment his eyes met mine, I felt he wanted to say something. Those innocent and pure eyes, which I can never forget because I always saw my whole universe in his eyes. “Did you guys enjoy?” we all nodded, the fact this was my first time meeting him in these eight years and I was trying to be okay. He smiled so big, his cute little eyes, making me fall in love again, I wanted to tell him I missed him.

“this was Ity’s first time” Brandon said and Joshus nodded, and scratched the back of his neck. “also can I click pictures with your members?” he nodded.

“Of course, you can, they are just inside that room, go on” Brandon and Daisy started walking. I was left there with Joshua, we were alone. I thought he would leave with them but he didn’t rather he took a step towards me.

“Hope you’re doing fine” I managed to look into his eyes, when he said that. “hmm” I wanted to deny it, tell him, nothing is same after you left, I completed my studies and now I am working but look at me still longing for your hugs, your kisses, your embrace, and your love.

“you looked happy”, I told him and tried to smile. I was stopping myself from crying, because I saw my ex after eight years. And all the memories flashed infront of me, as if I was watching a replay of our moments and then it stopped when we broke up, the way he broke up and left.

Unknowingly I was stepping back, and soon I felt my back touching the wall, I saw him taking steps towards me, “Ity” the way he called my name, was making me weak and telling me to cry.

“Shua, no” as if I knew what was he going to tell me next, he was going to break me again. even after all these years, I still couldn’t stop loving him, he was always there with me.

“I… I…” he looked hesitant “I regret leaving you.”

“Shua stop, you can’t do this. not after eight years” I was trying to hold back my tears but my voice was already trembling, this was the thing I wanted to avoid. After we broke up, we avoided eachother, but I always wanted to know what was the reason he left me here, what was the problem? Was I the problem? I hated to admit it but I knew I would break down in front of him once he calls my name. there was still a soft spot for him in my heart and I knew somewhere I still loved him and couldn’t love anyone else till now.

“When I looked at you while performing, that moment I got my confirmation, I regretted leaving you. And I wanted to tell you the truth, all these years I kept on thinking about you, and couldn’t stop myself from thinking about you. At times when I couldn’t get you out of my head, I asked my friends how you’re doing, they said you’re living well, and you’re fine. You smile, you laugh, you enjoy your life. I wanted to tell you, I was hurt and I love what I do but…” don’t do this to me Joshua Hong, please don’t. I will break again and won’t be able to let go of you.

“All this success is nothing if you’re not here to share with me” he stepped closer, “I can’t do this anymore, I want to share everything with you Ity” tears already started falling, how much I tried to stop. How much courage I gathered up so that I could face him today but everything felt like it crumbled down.

“Ity” again he called my name. He held my shoulders and made me look at him, his eyes reminded me of how he broke up with me that day.

“Ity let’s stop it here, I can’t do this anymore. You and me, we shouldn’t date. We should stop here.” and he walked away.

I cried more, his grip tightened, on my shoulders and then pulled me into his embrace. I wanted to hold him tight and cry more, I wanted to tell him I missed him more, he can never imagine how much I missed him ever since that day, that moment. I felt my shoulder getting wet, he was crying. I heard him sobbing. I wanted to comfort him and tell him, stop crying I can’t see him cry and wanted to tell him, why was he doing this to me after all these years when he was living fine without me.

“Ity… please tell me” his voice was painful, I wanted to wipe his tears because they were hurting me.

I had this one feeling inside me right now and that was, to tell him because I don’t know when I would be able to tell him this and what if I could never tell him and meet him again. there won’t be another chance to say like this, I always regretted whenever he came and left LA, and now when I have the chance, I should tell him. All these years I spent without him, stayed in denial but now I wanted to tell him, one word from him and I broke, I don’t want to let go of this chance; so I hugged him back tight. I don’t know when I will get to hug him tight like this, so I followed my heart.

“Shua, I missed you. I wanted you back, nothing was same after you left. I graduated and I have a job, I earn but nothing is same without you. Your shirts are still hanging in my closets, I still kept them because they have your scent. I couldn’t let you go even after you left me.” he pulled himself back and looked at me. he was crying, so bad. It was hurting to see his tears, they made me cry more.

“Sorry for leaving you, all these years I wanted to tell you this, I wanted to apologize to you, I thought you would be better without me, because I was leaving for Korea for my career, and I wasn’t sure if I could be with you, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to keep you happy like the way you keep me happy always. Being with you kept me happy” his words were sincere; I could tell that and his tears were falling.

“Joshua, please stop crying” my hands reached his face and he held my hand. “I’m so sorry for hurting you Ity and for leaving you.” I was nodding, trying to tell him I understand him, the way I thought I would get hurt after I see him, everything went away, I was healing because of him, I felt better after I saw him today, I was feeling something I couldn’t explain right now, I just knew my Joshua Hong is back, he was here with me, standing infront of him. I always the worst scenarios in my head, that he would push me away and will tell me why he left me and hurt me but none of those things happened.

His hands were on my cheeks, “Ity…. I always loved you, I was so unsure about myself that I could keep you happy and I wanted a career, but back at that time it felt so unsure.” my tears were falling more, “I love you Shua, you were my first love and you’re still the one I love.” I tried smiling but I failed so badly and broke down again.

“Ity, please come back to me. Please give us a chance” he was looking at me and wiping my tears. “Shua” I paused, I couldn’t speak because of how much I was crying.

“Please come back to me, please let’s go back to us. Just us, you and me together. Please Ity, please be my Ity again” I nodded without thinking much, “Ity” he called my name and next thing I knew his soft lips on mine. His fingers were caressing my cheeks, our tears were making our lips wet, it was a longing kiss. His another hand was resting on my waist. He pulled back and looked at me, “we are us again, I love you so much Ity.”

“I love you Joshua” he wiped my tears with his thumb, “thankyou for giving us a second chance” and he kissed me again.

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pankow4l · 3 years ago

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The Ultimate Heartbreak (JJ Maybank x Reader)

pairing: jj maybank x fem reader

summary: two life long best friends fall in love and break up. both suffer heartbreak but one suffers the ultimate heartbreak.

warning: none

word count: 2.2K

a/n: this is my FIRST fanfic so I’m learning! This is suppose to be influenced by the song Molly by Lil Dicky ft. Brendon Urie! I hope you enjoy! <3 If you enjoy, please feel free to send in requests! (:

You and the pogues were at John B’s, per usual. Kie was laying out in the hammock while John B and Pope were talking on the front porch. You all had just gotten back from spending the day on the water and surfing. However, while the day had seemed great, there was tension between you and JJ, everyone could notice and feel it. In fact, that’s what you and JJ were doing down by the dock- arguing.

“What the hell is your problem?” You asked your boyfriend of two years now. You’ve known each other your entire lives, you guys were known by everyone to be inseparable.

“I just can’t take it anymore! Okay?” JJ shouts, being frustrated. You could feel your eyes starting to water.

“Take what anymore JJ?” You ask, looking at him.

JJ takes a minute before looking back at you. He knows you like the back of his hand. He knows what you don’t like, what you love, what your triggers are, what scares you, he knows whenever you’re feeling down or when something is bothering you- without you having to say anything. He knows that what he’s about to say will break your heart. JJ was always there for you, picking you back up whenever your heart was broken, and he never thought in a million years that he’d be breaking it.

“Us! Okay? I can’t take us anymore.” JJ admits.

You take a step away from JJ, your tears starting to spill. You felt your heart shatter in your chest. Out of everyone, you never thought that your best friend, your boyfriend, your person, would break your heart.

“You don’t mean that JJ...” You barely make out.

“I do Y/N. I’m sorry but I do. All we do now is argue and fight. Shit, I mean we’re still lucky that our friends want us around and to still be around us in general. We’ve had our moments before, but we’ve never had this many problems Y/N. I’m sorry…”

You couldn’t say much of anything.

“So, this is it, huh?”

“I guess so Y/N. Yeah.” JJ says to you as he begins to walk pass you and back up to his friends.

“JJ, please don’t do this. I need you…I love you!” You make out towards him, him just turning around giving you one last glance before walking pass his friends and into John B’s.

A year has passed since you and JJ had your final argument and broke up. Things have been very different, and nothing was really the same. You were still a pogue, but you really couldn’t be around JJ. It hurt too much, and it was just awkward now. So, most of the time Kie would hang out with you while the boys did their own thing- you would occasionally see John B and Pope and the only time you were all together were at keggers. And there was one tonight.

You and Kie were in your room getting ready for the kegger. You had just finished putting on your ripped jean shorts, a fitting white tank top over your black bikini top, and your black vans.

“Kie, I don’t know if I can go…” You turn to Kie.

“Why? What’s wrong?” She asked you in return.

“I’m not sure. Something just feels off…” You look at Kie, worry in your eyes. Little did you know that while you were getting ready, Kie got a text from John B saying that “We need to talk” meaning: Kie, John B, JJ, and Pope.

“Y/N, it’s a kegger. I’m sure it’ll all be fine! We love keggers!” Kiara reassures you.

“Okay, fine…let’s go!” You smile, heading out the door to go to the kegger.

Arriving at the kegger, you and Kie see some of your friends, kooks, and then Pope and John B. Drinks in hand, you both walk over to John B and Pope, greeting them with hugs.

“You guys staying out of trouble?” You ask your friends.

“I mean, are we really ever out of trouble?” John B responds, gaining a laugh from everyone in your friend group, your pogues.

“Hey, I actually need a refill. Anyone else need one?” You ask. You’re not really a drinker but considering that you were nervous before coming, you tried to make the nerves go away as quickly as possible.

“I could actually use one! Thanks Y/N/N.” John B takes your offer. With that, you walk away, back towards the entrance.

“Where’s JJ?” Kie asked Pope and John B while you stepped away. “And what was up with that text that you sent?”

John B grabs Kie by her shoulders, causing her to focus on him and him only. Pope is keeping his eye out for you to return.

“JJ will be here later. He’s back at the house and he actually did something…very life changing…” Kie just looks at him, confused, telling him to finish. “JJ proposed to Riley, so they are back at the house, you know probably having sex. I mean, it’s JJ we’re talking about.”

“WHAT?!” Kie yelled, John B quickly covering her mouth.

“Y/N can’t find out!”

“He’s so stupid! He broke things off with Y/N- someone he has known his entire life- just to go and potentially marry a girl he BARELY knows?!”

JJ met Riley towards the end of your relationship. He met her at a kegger and had kept in touch. She was a local, but she went to a different school than you guys. He never cheated on you but with how things were between you all, Riley became his new ecstasy, his serotonin.

“Guys! She’s coming back, chill out!” Pope whisper yelled, gaining John B and Kiara’s attention.

“Here you go John B, one Mai-Tai!”

“Thanks Y/N/N!”

From a far, Kiara notices JJ making his way down the beach, to the kegger, to you guys. She quickly chugs the rest of her beer, especially now knowing the stuff she knows now.

“Hey Y/N! I need another, will you come with me?” Kiara asks you.

“Um, sure Kie!” Before you can say anything else, Kiara pulls you away.

Minutes later you and Kiara return, and you notice JJ. All you can do is give him a small wave and shy smile. He does the same. You and JJ are okay, honestly but after everything you both have been through it’s obviously not going to be the same.

For the rest of the night, you and the pogues hung out, laughing with one another. For just a little bit, it felt like the old days, which were nice.

“Hey! So, I hear Midsummers is coming up soon, are you all planning some kind of disaster?” You ask your group of friends.

“My dad and I will be there with the oysters.” Pope tells you.

“You know that we have to go…” Kiara sighs, looking at you.

You and Kiara have both of your feet in Pogue life and Kook life.

“I heard that they were changing the time though. Apparently, someone has a wedding there too, on the same day so Midsummers will last a bit longer and later.”

“Oh really? I haven’t heard that yet!” Kiara states, looking oddly between JJ, John B, and Pope.

“Yeah! My mom told me this morning. Apparently, the couple said something about when you know the right person, there’s no time to waste.”

Kiara just chugs the rest of her beer, again.

After having small talk for the rest of the kegger, Kiara walks you home and then heads back over to the chateau, calling it a night.

Days later, it was already time for Midsummers.

You had just finished getting ready in your lilac, silk dress. Your hair was lightly curled and all you had on for makeup was mascara and a little bit of lip gloss. Finally, making your way downstairs to your older brother and parents.

“Is everyone ready to go?” Your dad asked his family.

“What’s the rush?” You ask.

“There are a few things that we need to go finish up.”

“Isn’t there a wedding starting in a little bit?” You ask again.

“Yeah, there is but they aren’t having the reception at the club afterwards. They can’t due to Midsummers.”

You didn’t ask anymore questions. You and your family just made your way to the car, heading off to the biggest kook party of the summer.

Making your way into the country club, you’re welcomed by other kooks that your family knows and then the Cameron’s. You say a quick hello, quickly walking away afterwards.

“Hey! I saw Pope outside!” Your brother informs you.

“Oh yeah! Him and Heyward are here with their oysters for Midsummers!”

Um, Pope was dressed up and I saw him talking to Kiara and John B.”

Confused, you don’t say anything else and make your way to the pogues.

“Hm, funny seeing you here John B…” You joke as you alert everyone with your presence. They don’t think you realized but you see all of them look awkwardly at each other and not making eye contact with you.

“Y/N/N… what are you doing here?” John B asks, acting dumb.

“Um, it’s Midsummers? Why are you here? And why is Pope all dressed up?”

Before anyone could say anything, the voice you hear from behind you sends chills all throughout your body.

“Alright everybody! Everything is almost ready to go!” JJ alerts his friends, not even realizing that you are also standing with the pogues.

You turn around, your eyes seeing JJ in a tux and then meeting his. You’re speechless. Everything is almost ready to go replays in your mind. JJ wearing a tux. Everyone is frozen still. Kiara grabs your hand. Your tears are on the verge of falling but instead, you show all your friends the biggest fake smile you possibly could, squeezing Kiara’s hand.

“I knew there was a wedding... I told all of you about it. I just had no idea that it was your wedding…” You quickly wipe a tear that had slipped and looked right at JJ. “I’m happy for you J, really. I’m glad that you found your person…” Another fake smile.

“Y/N… Thank you, really. I’m sorry that you had to find out this way.”

“I’m sorry that I found out at all…” You make eye contact with JJ, your eyes glistening due to tears that are waiting to flow. JJ swallows, knowing that he deserves that from you. He did break your heart, not once but twice now. Without saying or doing anything else, you let go of Kie’s hand and immediately hug JJ, regardless of what you just said to him. It takes him a minute, due to being shocked but he instantly hugs you back. If you could stay like this forever, you would. As you’re hugging, all your memories of you and JJ, good and bad flash through your mind and you’re hoping the same is happening to him.

A moment or two go by and you pull away. Quickly wiping a tear, again. You latch on to Kie’s hand again, just like before.

“Here, let’s go… you can be my plus one.” Kiara attempts to make you feel better.

John B and Pope make their way through the double doors, you and Kiara following. Before you walk through the door, you glance at JJ one more time, showing him a weak smile before heading in to sit front row at your worst nightmare.

It wasn’t long until JJ walked in, now waiting for his bride. You can’t keep your eyes off him and at the same time, you’re trying to hold back your tears. I guess one slipped because Kie’s thumb on your cheek made you jump a little. Sharing a small, weak smile with Kie, you grab her hand tighter and lay your head on her shoulder.

A few moments go by, and music starts. Everyone stands, giving their attention to Riley. As she’s walking down the aisle, you turn to look at JJ who is already looking at you. You know him too well, the way he’s looking at you, you know he’s seeking your approval before his life changes forever.

Deep down, you’re not okay and if you could be walking down the aisle to your person, to JJ, you 100% would be. However, you look at him, and as much as it hurts, you gently nod your head ‘yes’- telling your person that it’s okay. JJ is happy, even though it may not be with you, he’s happy and all you care about is him being happy, out of everyone, he deserves to be happy the most. Looking in his eyes, you see that he’s very sorry that all of this turned out the way that it did but there’s nothing to do now.

Riley made her way to JJ; everyone is now seated. Vows are being exchanged and you are trying to control your feelings and your breathing. Not once did you let go of Kie’s hand.

“You may now kiss your bride.”

And right then, not only did JJ’s life change forever but so did yours. The ultimate heartbreak.

“Really wish that I didn't care about you anymore But I do Make a young couple do something sad like Being broke up even though we had life”

#jj #maybank #obx #obx fanfiction #imagine #jj mayback x reader #jj maybank #obx pogues #jj maybank x fem!reader #outer banks #poguelandia #the pogues #Spotify

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brendonuriegotcancelled · 3 years ago

Note

Thank you so much for putting this together — it’s been difficult to find the story in its entirety and without bias or negativity. Brendon and I are the same age, so I have been in Panic! fandom since nearly the beginning, and through Brent being kicked out, Ryan and Jon leaving, Spencer stepping down, what happened with Shane, all the girlfriend drama before Sarah came along, never has something been responded to as toxically as this was/is. I loved your point about not excusing behavior but understanding it, especially with Zack. My mom grew up in an abusive household, and while she succeeded in breaking the cycle with me, those experiences leave their mark indefinitely, even when you manage to rise above them.

There is an entitlement/purity culture in fandom these days that does not allow for humans to make mistakes and expects that every personal matter should get a play-by-play in the public eye. I appreciated that you drew attention to how applying 2020 (or 21 or 22) standards to something that happened years ago doesn’t make any sense, and in fact, takes away from all the hard work people have done over the years to make what was once tolerable intolerable. All of us spend a portion of our lives being young and dumb. We can’t cry out for accountability and then get angry when someone admits they were wrong once and are working to be better.

Anyway, my apologies for coming in here and rambling! It’s been really sad to be such a longtime Panic! fan and see so many people turn on Brendon. I was glad to find your account and know that a few of us are still standing :)

I really appreciate you sending this ask in (even if you think it was a ramble) I haven’t had much reach on this blog yet but I am assuming that will change once Brendon comes back into the spotlight.

I tried as much as I could to stay away from bias when it came to this situation considering I’m a fan. There are some portions on Breezy and Dallon that I find I may have involved my emotions a little; but it’s extremely hard not to.

The horrible truth of all this, is that people in this societal climate have a sense of moral superiority that really needs to be taken down a notch. Hold people accountable, sure. But allow them to be aware that they can change, you’re not giving them the option if you just write them off completely. I’ve been a fan for a while now and I have seen the situation in it’s entirety; I think I’ve done a pretty good job of explaining everything and if anyone does have questions, I will answer them to my best ability.

Everyone calling out bad behavior has clearly either never had their behavior on display or hasn’t had a life long enough to make mistakes.

My personal opinion:

Breezy knowingly created this uproar; fully knowing that it would hurt Brendon and the people close to him and it has clearly devastated everyone. There was zero compassion displayed by her or her husband when they have been the ones causing problems since he left and if anything that should be very clear here.

I stick by the notion that everyone just wants to be angry and claim moral superiority online. They don’t want change, they want to be a part of something. Anything. And being a part of mob mentality is seriously toxic. Log off your computer/put down your phone and do something good. Don’t spend your energy calling people out for their mistakes like you’re some kind of saint. That’s not fair.

#asks

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dirty-urie · 3 years ago

Text

Shoo

Second Person

Flash Fic

1.6k Words

Warnings: Minor mention of illness, sex, language

Thank you to @stardust-in-his-eyes for letting me use your idea! :)

He presses his lips to your forehead while you shiver, too uncomfortable to enjoy the feeling. “Oh yeah, baby, you definitely have a fever,” he says.

“I don’t feel good,” you moan.

“I know, love.” Brendon tucks your blanket around you and then slides his arms under you. “I’m taking you upstairs,” he whispers in explanation. “You need to go to bed.” You make another pained noise. He pulls you tighter against his body when he walks up the stairs, so he doesn’t jostle you. You shudder when he places you on the bed. The cool bed sheets are normally pleasant, but even with your blanket burrito wrapping you, you’re too cold to enjoy them. Brendon covers you in your weighted blanket and lays down next to you on top of it.

“Go away,” you shoo. “I’ll get you sick.” He pouts, not moving. You want to shove him off the bed, but you don’t want to take any of your limbs out of the blanket, so you settle for a glare until he gets the message.

“Fine, baby,” he finally says, rolling off the bed. “I know when I’m not wanted. Guess I’ll just be all alone,” he mopes.

You close your eyes, trying to melt into the bed. “Your emotional manipulation will not work on me. You can sleep in the guest room.”

•••

“Out,” you say, not opening your eyes but hearing his footsteps. Brendon’s been trying to sneak into your bed all week. You’ve been staying hyper-vigilant, so he doesn’t get sick, but your willpower is waning the longer you’re without his cuddles.

“I’m not here to snuggle,” he assures, but his tone is slightly glum. “I brought you tea.”

You open one eye to check, and sure enough, he’s wearing a mask and gloves and holding a thermos of tea. He props you up with pillows so you can drink without spilling on yourself. “Thank you, Bren.” You take a sip of the tea, and the warmth and peppermint immediately soothe your throat.

“Of course, baby. Is there anything else I can do to make you more comfortable? Do you want soup or a bath or more fever meds?”

You shake your head. “It’s just nice to see you. I miss you.”

“The doctor said it should be safe for me to be near you tomorrow, love. So just stay strong until then,” he comforts.

•••

Every hour that goes by just makes you want him more. You know you were the one insisting he stay away, but you’re starting to regret holding on so firmly to that stance. He comes out of the master bathroom into the bedroom, wrapped in only a towel, and you whine. Loudly. “Let me blow you,” escapes your mouth before you can stop it.

He looks up from adjusting the towel around his waist with a surprised expression. “Baby, no- Illness,” he stammers out, flustered.

You sigh, crossing your arms. “I know. I know. Contagion. Plus, my throat hurts too much to blow you,” you say. “But you’re silly if you think a little bit of illness can get in the way of my horny slut impulses. If anything, it’s made them worse going so long without you. I miss feeling you get hard in my hand and then feeling you hold back from thrusting into the wet heat of my mouth and finally, when you can’t take it anymore, coming on my face or tits.”

Brendon’s eyes are wide in both shock and lust. “Jesus. You really are desperate.”

You nod quickly. “Very,” you confirm, but a coughing fit overtakes you, and Brendon’s lust disappears, quickly replaced with pity and concern. He hands you a glass of water and rubs your back as your fit subsides. You sip the water. “Thank you, B.”

“Of course. I’ll do whatever you want when you’re feeling better,” Brendon promises. “Now, if you don’t need anything else, I’m going back to the guest room where I’ll miss you dearly and count down the minutes until tomorrow when we can safely snuggle.”

•••

“Brendon, I’m on the third day of my antibiotics; I’m not contagious anymore. You can come cuddle now,” you rasp as loudly as possible through your still sore throat. You get out your phone to text him, figuring he won’t be able to hear you.

Before you even type in your passcode, Brendon is leaping onto your bed, pulling you into his arms. “The next time you’re sick, I’m just risking infection. I missed you,” he says into your hair.

You melt in his arms. “You’ve been risking infection all week, B: bringing me soup and Gatorade and toast, helping me shower, reading to me from across the room,” you point out.

Brendon makes a noise, considering what you’ve said. “Yes, true, but I couldn’t do this,” he says before kissing all over your face.

You smile, letting him finish before lunging forward to kiss him for real. You nibble on his bottom lip before his mouth parts to let you kiss you deeper. You lick around his lips, moaning happily. “It’s good to have you back, Bren,” you say when you finally part.

He affectionately squeezes you tighter. “Bet it’s not as nice as having you back. You, at least, had an illness to distract you during the lonely nights.”

“And you call me dramatic.” You roll your eyes playfully.

•••

“One more episode,” you beg, internally cursing yourself for not grabbing the remote from him when you had a chance. You’re admittedly barely watching the show, but he’ll make you sleep now that the episode is over, and you love the way he’s holding you too much to be unconscious for it.

Brendon clicks off the television. “You need your rest, princess. I need my girl one hundred percent better. I hate to see you sick and miserable.” He pets your hair soothingly when you start to protest. “Just a little nap, baby. And then we can take a warm bath together, and I’ll bundle you up in soft towels to watch more TV together.”

You roll over so he can see your pout. “I don’t want to sleep. I’m not even tired. I want to hang out with you,” you complain before you gasp as an idea pops into your mind. “But, I know something that’ll tire me out,” you say, suggestively running a hand down his chest to the front of his pajama pants.

“Baby,” he warns.

“Pleeease,” you wheedle. “I’ll go right to sleep with no complaints.” You play with the drawstring on his pants.

“Still, love, that doesn’t sound very restful. You’re sick. You shouldn’t be working too hard.”

“I’ll just lie here while you do all the work, Brendon. And you know I always sleep so much better after coming hard. Especially on your cock.” You start to stroke lightly over the front of his pants, just a tiny tease. You make a small triumphant noise to yourself when you eventually feel him slowly begin to swell under your fingers as he thinks about making love to you. “C’mon, B, I can feel you. I know you want to,” you coax.

You keep stroking him for another minute in silence, letting him decide. He finally rolls over on top of you, almost fully hard now. He leans in, so his mouth is just barely touching yours. “Fine, you’ve broken me down. But then you immediately go to sleep, okay?”

“Yes. Right to sleep,” you readily agree against his lips, and he kisses you hurriedly while you work together to get his pajama pants off. Finally, you move your sleep shorts to the side, a familiar move for when you both wake up in the middle of the night desperate for each other.

He sinks into you slowly, a hand on your hip to keep you from bucking up and meeting his thrusts. He knows how easily you can turn tender lovemaking into frenzied fucking, especially when you’re as needy as you are now. You’re being a good girl for him though, worried that he’ll stop if you don’t hold onto your end of the bargain and stay mostly still.

Brendon pulls almost all the way out before he rocks forward again, taking the time to rub his pubic bone against you. He expertly hits your g-spot with his cock while he grinds against your clit and the deep satisfaction you feel is overwhelming. You cry out and rake your nails down his back. His subtle but perfect movements stutter slightly at the unexpected pain mingling with the pleasure around his cock. He recovers quickly, resuming steady thrusts.

You realize your eyes are closed, and you open them to look up at him, expecting to see his face tipped back in bliss. Instead, he’s focused intently on your face, almost studying you. He leans down to kiss you deeply, his soft lips working against yours meticulously. You moan into his mouth, relishing the feeling of his tongue on yours.

You wrap your legs around his to feel him deeper inside you. He moves his hand from your hip to stroke your clit, and you contract around him repeatedly. “So good for me, baby. I love you,” Brendon murmurs against your lips before pulling off your lips to nibble on your jawline.

“Love you too, Brendon,” you gasp. “You take such good care of me.”

His stomach tenses, and he rubs your clit faster.

“Are you about to come for me, Brendon? I’m almost there for you,” you tell him.

“So close, baby. You’re so tight and wet around me. Can I come inside you?”

You come around him, biting his shoulder. “Yes please. Come inside me,” you moan.

You feel the hot pulse of him coming in you before he relaxes and cuddles up with you. “This was a good idea,” Brendon says to you, but you’re already halfway asleep, exhausted by the rush of good hormones in your body. Brendon chuckles softly, stroking your arm. “Sleep well, love. Feel better,” is the last thing you hear before passing out in his arms.

#brendon urie smut #brendon urie fanfiction #flash fic #brendon urie #brendon urie fanfic #brendon urie imagine #brendon urie x reader

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smcc212 · 4 years ago

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Painless

Pairings- Tommy x son!reader, Shelby family x Shelby!reader

Word count- 1, 295

Warnings- angst, little bit of fluff, swearings, violence, self-harm, bullying, injuries, my terrible writing, not prof-read...I think that all, but let me know if I missed any!

A/N- Right, so I saw a post by @zerosinner and it inspired me to make this. The post was a request pretty much with a Shelby reader that has C.I.P(that can’t feel pain). They wanted a fluffy, funny fic this is not that. However I loved writing this, and I’m thinking of making into a series, so fluffy stories could come. Anyyywaaayyy, I really hope you enjoy!

Let me know if you wanna be tagged (or removed)

Of course the first girl Tommy had sex with after he came back from war would get pregnant. Of course she’d want to keep it. And, of course she’d leave after the baby was born. Just his luck, eh?

At first Tommy didn’t know what to do with the tiny human that his aunt pol insisted stayed with them. His first response was to stay away from it. It didn’t take long, however, for him to realise how similar he’d be to his father. How could Tommy deny his own child?!

After Tommy grew a pair of bollocks and starting looking after the gorgeous baby boy that shared the same ocean blue eyes as him. He’d hardly ever let anyone around his son; his son he’d named Liam.

Over time, however, Tommy was talking to Polly more and more about the injuries Liam had. Tommy and Pol, two of the smartest people in the family, just couldn’t figure out what was causing the injuries. The both of them decided to keep a close eye on Liam.

“Liam! What are you doing?!” Polly heard Tommy shout from inside his office. She sprang to her feet and rushed in.

“What happened?”

“He was chewing his own knuckles.” Tommy replied, but thought and worry was lacing his words.

Polly walked over to Liam. They’d both seen the wounds on Liam, but knowing neither of them would do that, and, knowing no one else was allowed to be near Liam- per Tommy demands- they were stumped. “Liam, sweetheart-“ Polly began. “-don’t do that, you’ll hurt yourself.” She tutted, holding his hands together softly.

“Will he?” Tommy looked at pol as he spoke.

“Of course he will, Thomas! He’d chewing through his knuckles!”

“Exactly! No one can do that, especially not when they’re like this-“ he gestured to Liam, giggling as if he hadn’t been hurting himself. “-what... what if he can’t feel what he’s doing, pol? I know it sounds crazy... but it makes sense, right?” Tommy said. He didn’t want it to be true, because how can you stop a child hurting themselves if they can’t fucking feeling it? But it did make sense. It explained all the injuries Liam had.

“He- he cant feel it...” Polly mumbled, letting go of Liam’s wrists. “That does make sense, I’m sure we’ll figure it ou- fucking hell!” As pol spoke she turned to see Liam giggling in between biting his skin off.

“Lee, stop it.” Tommy’s voice was thick with concern as he looked at his boy. His boy whose hands were covered in his own blood, will he smiled at his father and great-aunt. “What the hell are we gonna do, Pol?”

“We’ll figure something out, Tom. I know it.”

The solution the two of them came up with wasn’t exactly great, but it worked for a while. They simply always made sure someone was with him to stop him hurting himself. On top of that, Esme somehow taught Liam to stop chewing his tongue and in the inside of his cheeks.

Now that Liam was starting school, though, the family were worried, especially Tommy. It took a long time for the teachers to understand that Liam wasn’t meaning to hurt himself, he just couldn’t feel it. The school had the same solution as the Shelbys did; they’d have someone around him at all times.

Liam had been going to school for about a mouth now, and he was doing great. It seemed all bases were covered. Until Liam came home after going round to John and Esme’s house to play with his cousins -Tommy had just started to let Liam walk there on his own.

“Fucking ‘ell! Tommy! Get ‘ere now!” Tommy heard Arthur shout from his office. Letting out a sigh, he slowly stood up. “Tom, hurry the fuck up! It’s Liam!” The second he heard his son’s name he ran towards the kitchen to see what had happened. Liam was sat at the table, confusion written all over his face as Arthur worked on cleaning the large wounds on his legs, arms and the one on his head.

“Bloody hell, Liam,” Tommy breathed out as he kneeled in front of his son. “What happened, eh?” He stroked his cheek as tears filled his eyes. His poor boy.

“I was playing at uncle John’s house and Esme told Katie to watch me, but then she needed a pee, so she left for a bit. Then the rest of them wanted to see if I really couldn’t feel pain so...” He trailed off, looking down and his feet.

“Your cousins did this?” Arthur asked as he finished tending to Liam’s wounds, a deep frown plastered on his face.

“Yeah... Dad?” His voice was quiet as tears began to slip down his cheeks.

“Yeah?”

“Why am I like this?” He looked at Tommy, and the man felt his heart shatter.

“You just are, Lee. You were born like this, okay?” Liam just shrugged. “Do people make you feel bad because of it?” He looked around, clearly unsure if he should answer or not. “It’s alright, my boy, you can tell me.”

“Most people do, yeah. It doesn’t help that there’s always a teacher with me in school, makes me look a T.P,” he mumbled. Just then Arthur spoke up.

“Look, kid, you know that’s for your own good. Don’t want you to hurt yourself and the teacher can tell when you are, yeah?”

“I know, uncle Arthur, but my best friends, Ashley and Brendon, they can tell too. It’s always them that stop me, the teacher doesn’t.” Liam looked at his father again. “Can’t I just stay with them? They look out for me. They’re my best friends, dad!” He beamed before suddenly becoming sad again. “They’re my only real friends.”

“Whatcha mean by that, eh? You’ve got loads of friends,” Arthur replied. It was true Liam knew everyone is his year, he was constantly hanging out with different kids.

“They just think it’s cool that I can’t feel pain...”

“Lee, my boy-“ Tommy began. “-please tell me you’re not letting them hurt you?” Liam nodded slightly, and both Arthur and Tommy felt their already shattered hearts break even more. “Why would you do that, eh?”

“I don’t know...” He trailed off, but Tommy and Arthur just waited for him to continue. “It stops them makin’ fun of me.” Anger filled Tommy and Arthur’s enter beings, but they had to comfort the poor boy that sat in front of them.

“Liam, look at me. I know kids can be mean, but you can’t keep letting them hurt you, okay? It’s not gonna make anything better, you just need to ignore it, yeah? And if they keep hurting you, tell me and I’ll sort it, okay?” Tommy had to fight to hold back his tears. He couldn’t bare the thought of Liam letting people hurt him, sure he couldn’t feel it, but it would just as bad if he could.

“But... I can’t always tell when they’re hurting me.”

“Tell you what, yeah?” Tommy started, cradling his son face in his hands. “If you think someone hurt you, or you’re not sure, just tell one of us and we’ll sort it. Or you could tell Brendon or Ashley and they’ll tell if someone’s hurting you, alright?” Liam nodded. “Good boy.”

“Right, kiddo,” Arthur started. “Why don’t we go and see these friends of yours, eh?”

“Okay!” Liam shot straight up making a break for the door.

“Don’t worry, Tom. I’ll make sure he doesn’t worsen his injuries.” And with that, Arthur and Liam left. Tommy sat down in the same chair his son was previously in. He couldn’t help but worry for Liam, couldn’t help wondering what his life would be like as he grew up.

Tags:

@the-makingsofgreatness

@captivatedbycillianmurphy

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cyaneyesullivan · 4 years ago

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Let’s talk about Lyn-Z...

i don’t usually like to get involved in these things, but there are several thoughts on my mind that i want to write on here. i want to talk about cancel culture and Lyn-Z Way.

i think the whole scandal surrounding Lyn-Z is ridiculous. i’ve never listened to MSI, nor have i ever supported Lyn-Z, and will do neither. it doesn’t matter whether you love or hate Lyn-Z, really. she objectively has done things that are downright unacceptable. it’s a whole list. you are a google search away from finding out things you may have not known about her.

honestly, a lot of the things doesn’t sit right with me at all, and that’s why i wanted to talk about it. she’s getting by nearly unscathed when a lot of people would have burned down and disappeared from the face of the internet by now.

i’m not here to parse what the hell she’s done wrong, because there’s already a blog for that, which i think gathers sufficient data with proof for all of us to draw a (our own) conclusion.

but cancel culture? that shit is funky too.

i don’t hate Lyn-Z, i just think she’s done shitty stuff that she should own up to, and apologize to the people who deserve an apology. i truly believe people can change for the best and move past their fuckups with a valuable lesson and show that they are capable of not reproducing the same mistakes. she hasn’t done any of the above, and i think that’s what makes people upset.

these people live in the spotlight; they are role models, their lives are public, we have a right to comment on what we see. the “why do you even care, it’s her life,” doesn’t work. she broadcasts her life on social media, as a celebrity, so whining about receiving hate is absurd. especially when you’ve been a shitty person publicly, with proof (provided by people close to her, too) backing up the fact that you have been shitty.

speaking of role models, you just can’t use the argument that a lot of people looked up to Lyn-Z or that she saved lives etc. cool, but how is that relevant? your role model fucked up. sure, branding her as a bitch or a devil may be overstepping some sort of boundary, but hey, i’m sure Brendon was also an inspiration for a lot more people than Lyn-Z has, and yet we have all noticed that Brendon is a piece of shit.

i can understand it may be jarring for the people who have supported MSI and hadn’t known a thing about the controversy revolving around them. it’s not like you can just drop music that was a part of you for a long time. sure. but at least, don’t get so blindly defensive when the frontman had engaged in pedophilic acts, when they deliberately used racial slurs in many of their songs, and a lot more concerning Lyn-Z herself. please acknowledge these misbehaviors; it’s important.

one more thing; we should make Lyn-Z’s dream of dissociating herself from Gerard come true. this has nothing to do with Gerard. leave the poor guy alone. it really doesn’t matter whether or not they’re together, or if they’re meant to be, if it’s fair, whatever. Lyn-Z’s her own person, who has done terrible things. NOTHING to do with who she married. we know nothing about what goes on between Gerard, Lyn-Z and Bandit.

she may be an abusive mother and spiteful wife, but she may also be a caring wife and a nurturing mother. who the fuck knows. they’re still together, clearly, something works between them.

i hope this can get some attention, if only to educate people. the whole point is not to plan a witch hunt, but just to let you know that you should always leave a dubious space between you and your idol. it’s really important to correct misbehaviors of the people who have high potential of influence (big social media platform, a young fanbase, avid followers etc).

this is merely my opinion. if there’s something you want to add, or to discuss, or to rebuke, feel free to message me or leave a comment or however the hell Tumblr works. and stay civil! name calling is pointless!

take care!

#lyn-z way #gerard way #scandal #drama #my chemical romance #bandit lee way #msi #mcr #mindless self indulgence

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spaceskam · 4 years ago

Text

i’m a free spirit, that means free from you

i wrote a fic awhile ago about Michael exploring his sexuality. Now that it’s day 6 of @alexmanesappreciation (lost decade/missing scenes), it felt fitting for it to be Alex’s turn!

Warning: internalized homophobia and unhealthy relationships

ao3

.First Kiss.

“Oh, c’mon Alex, she likes you.”

Alex tried to smile as Kyle pestered him after they snuck out of their cabin and started wading through the woods. Summer camp was fine and all, but the longer he stayed there the higher the chances were that he was going to get in trouble. He just wasn’t sure what he was going to get in trouble for. It was just this stupid thing in his head that told him to be good, act normal, stop that.

They got louder every single time one of the other boys got too close to him when they were in their swim trunks.

“Yeah, but Katie? She’s not my type,” Alex said, mimicking what he’d heard his brother Greg say about the nice girl that was in the band at the high school. She made him cookies, wore a lot of stuff with skulls on them, and introduced him to a cool band called Blink-182. She stopped coming around after Greg told her she wasn’t his type.

“Type?” Kyle laughed, “She’s a girl! She’s got boobs!”

Alex tried to remind himself that he was supposed to like that even though he didn’t quite understand why.

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Alex said, nodding.

They reached the riverbank where the rest of their friends‒or, really, Kyle’s friends‒had congregated, sneaking out after the counselors had gone to their own party for the night. It was ten of them in total, five from the boys side of camp and five from the girls. Alex didn’t even want to sneak out, really scared of what would happen if someone found out, but Kyle had grabbed his arm and begged him and he just said yes.

“Let’s play truth or dare!” Katie said, making sure to look right at Alex as she said so. He instinctively looked to Kyle, hoping he would be on his side and say no.

“Oh, fuck yeah,” Kyle said, agreeing like the rest of the guys and girls. Alex was the only one who didn’t want to, but he couldn’t be the only one who didn’t want to. That’s how you get people to make fun of you.

So they all sat down and the game just started. Everyone was being dumb, daring dumb things that Alex thought were stupid. He was the only one that kept saying truth and, even then, they weren’t anything fun and then he couldn’t come up with anything good and it just wasn’t fun. He kept looking to Kyle, kept trying to signal to him that this wasn’t fun, but it didn’t seem to click.

“Alex, truth or dare,” Katie said, eyes on him. She was pretty, she was. She had pretty hair and a pretty face and... boobs or something. But every time she looked at him, he got a little nervous.

“Truth,” he said again. Everyone immediately started complaining.

“You can’t keep saying truth!” Wyatt told him, “It’s no fun, you’re ruining the game.”

“Yeah, Alex, just say dare,” Kyle pressed. Alex glared at him for a second before sighing and slumping his shoulder. What could one dare do? Kyle had already drank river water.

“Fine,” he agreed, “Dare.”

“I dare you to kiss me,” Katie said. Everyone around them ooh’d and Alex felt straight up terrified for a moment. He was a kid, he was way too young to be kissing anyone. Thirteen was way too young, didn’t they know that.

“In front of everybody?” Alex asked, voice cracking. She rolled her eyes dramatically.

“No, silly,” she said and he almost sighed in relief. Almost. “In the woods.”

Another round of ooh’s surrounding him and making him feel like he had literally no fucking choice in the matter. He knew that if he tried to tell them he didn’t want to, they’d make fun of him. He knew if he asked for a different dare, they’d make fun of him. And, at the end of the day, it was just a kiss. Why not get the first one over with anyway?

Alex did what he was told and stood up. He and Katie went into the woods, just out of the line of sight of the rest, and then they just stood there. She was a little taller than he was and way too close, smiling at him as wide as she could.

“So...”

“So,” she said, “Kiss me.”

“I-I don’t really know how to,” he said. She rolled her eyes.

“It’s easy, you just do this with your lips,” Katie told him, pursing her lips and closing her eyes. And then she waited. Alex just stared at her for a minute until she opened her eyes and looked at him expectantly. “Alex, you gotta do it too.”

“Oh,” he said. And he did. And he kissed her.

It was quick and weird and he understood the whole kissing thing a billion times less than before. But when they separated, she was smiling so big and her face was red. Clearly she’d enjoyed it which had him lost even more. Did something happen that he missed? It just felt weird.

“You’re my boyfriend now, right?” she said. He blinked in confusion.

“Uh...”

“Yay!” Katie said, grabbing his hand and leading him back towards the group.

He wiped his mouth off on the back of his hand and started planning ways to avoid that ever happening again.

.First Crush.

Alex bit down on his thumb nail as he looked around the room, making sure no one would look over his shoulder.

Of course they wouldn’t, he knew that, it was a public library and no one cared, but still. His eyes swept around a couple more times before he realized the more he did that, the more suspicious he looked, so he might as well just do what he came here for.

He gulped harshly and, with shaky hands, clicked the internet icon. Quickly, he typed in how do you know if you’re gay in the search bar. It loaded too slow and it made him look around again as if his dad was going to come out of nowhere. He knew that wasn’t it. He was fifteen now, his dad did let him go to the library by himself.

He scrolled through all the web pages, skimming the little summary but none of them answered his question. He just needed an answer, he needed someone to tell him. The more people around him called him gay, the less he felt like he understood it. How was he the one being called gay when they were the ones who compared their dicks in the locker room and he didn’t want to be apart of it? How was he the one being gay when he was the only one who looked away during that gross puberty class? How did watching the I Write Sins Not Tragedies music video more than once make someone gay? More importantly, what was so gay about having friends that were girls?

They all threw that word and none of them seemed to make sense. They never called him gay when he accidentally stared too long the first time he got in the locker room with the seniors. They never called him gay when he forgot how to breathe every time Mr. Edwards bent over to pick up a pencil. They never called him gay when he was really interested in watching wrestling. How was he supposed to know when everything seemed so disjointed?

Alex scrolled a little more and saw a link to something labeled ‘Am I Gay? Quiz 100% Accurate’ and, well, he couldn’t help himself.

Question #1: What do you consider yourself? Straight, Gay, Bisexual, Other

He stared at it with furrowed eyebrows, the cursor hovering over each option maybe a little longer than he should’ve. He eventually settled on straight. He had kissed girls and had girlfriends before even if it wasn’t great, it was still what he’d been doing. That was straight.

Question #2: In the locker room, did you ever peek over at another guy? Yes seize the opportunity, Yes but out of curiosity, No gross, No but I wanted to

Alex swallowed hard, his stomach churning. The mouse hovered over the first option. But was it like that though? Yes, he had looked, but he wasn’t trying to be gross or anything. He didn’t want to make anyone feel bad. He quickly selected the second option instead.

Question #3: You’re in a relationship with a girl, but you discover that there is a guy who likes you. What do you do? Stay with the girl because you like her, stay with the girl because you feel like you should, never go out with a girl in the first place, break up with the girl for the guy

That one at least felt obvious. Of course he would stay with the girl. What kind of person just breaks up with someone because someone else likes them? That’s just mean. He chose the second option instead of the first and decided not to think too hard about why.

Question #4: Would you ever cheat on a girl with a... girl, guy, I wouldn’t cheat

He smiled at the second no-brainer in a row. He would never cheat. He wasn’t an asshole.

Question #5: Why are you taking this quiz? I’m bored, I’m confused, I’m gay

Alex stared at it longer than he should’ve. Why was he taking this quiz? Shouldn’t he know these things? It shouldn’t be hard. He should know who he was sexually attracted to, right? He should know. But it wasn’t that fucking easy. He’d met girls who were pretty. Did he want to sleep with them? No, but he hadn’t really met any guys in person that he wanted to sleep with either. It was too much, too confusing.

So, he clicked that he was confusing.

The loading bar stayed on the screen for way too long, but, sure enough, a screen popped up that he was, in fact, straight just a little confused. Which was apparently normal. Alex leaned back, nodding to himself. He was normal.

Alex exited out of the browser and got up, pulling out his iPod from his pocket. He put his headphones over his ears and waved to the nice librarian as he left before pressing play. He felt good, normal, as he walked in time to the MCR song that flooded through his ears towards Bean Me Up. He’d taken a test and even it said he was fine. He’d be fine.

He ordered a coffee and walked to the other side of the counter to wait, leaning against the wall. A smile easily found his face as Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off by Panic! At the Disco started flooding into his ears. He found it impossible not to smile when he heard Brendon Urie’s voice. How was someone that fucking talented?

Then everything slowed down as someone appeared outside the window.

The seductive singing only seemed to set the stage as Marcus Lopez, current quarterback at Roswell High, slowed to a stop, breathing heavy and sweating with his workout gear clinging to his brown skin that literally was glowing under the sun. Alex couldn’t fucking breathe as he pulled his shirt up and over his head and used it to wipe his face dry, exposing his toned stomach and flexing his biceps. He pulled a water bottle out of nowhere and poured it into his mouth, some of the water missing and sliding over each crevice of his body.

Oh.

.First Boyfriend.

“What are you playing?”

Alex looked over to the doorway to see Elijah Thibodaux staring at him. He was the senior boy who got the lead in every school musical and every solo in choir. He was talented and every girl in theatre and choir was obsessed with him. Alex, however, kept his appreciation to himself.

“Oh, uh, I wrote it,” Alex admitted, shyly looking back to his guitar. He tried to keep playing so he’d come off as cool, but he was feeling a little flustered. Boys didn’t really talk to him if they could help it and this one boy was not only talking to him, but he was super cute.

“Musetta’s Waltz.”

“Huh?” Alex asked. Elijah smiled at him and walked further into the music room, straddling the chair beside him.

“That’s Musetta’s Waltz,” Elijah told him, “Not an original.”

Alex stopped playing, embarrassment filling his system. Leave to him to fuck it up the minute he tried to be cool. Elijah just laughed it off though, scooting closer. Alex tried not to seize up as his hand touched his back. Why was a suave senior touching him? What the fuck was that supposed to be mean?

Elijah’s hand slid up to Alex’s shoulder and he looked over at him.

“Go on, play something for me,” Elijah told him, looking at him with those obscenely green eyes and batting those long eyelashes against his pale cheeks. Alex swallowed hard and nodded, looking back down to his guitar. Instinct took over and Alex slowly started strumming the chords to Wonderwall. Elijah moved his hand up to his jaw. “You’re really good.”

“Thank you,” Alex said, looking over at him and trying to remember how to breathe. His strumming got a little sloppy, but it didn’t seem to matter. Elijah just leaned in close, smiling and his eyes flickering down to his lips and back up again. Alex didn’t have time to even process it before he was being kissed.

Alex stared with wide eyes as Elijah pulled away, struggling to comprehend what the hell just happened. It didn’t make any sense. Elijah was gorgeous and desired and Alex was… What?

“You just kissed me,” Alex said blankly. Elijah grinned.

“Yeah.” And then he did it again.

Alex melted at the attention. It was the first time a boy had ever given him so much attention. He had no idea what to even do with it.

After that, Alex slowly found himself at Elijah’s beck and call. They would make out behind the bleachers and late at night after sneaking out. Elijah flooded him with compliments and only persuaded him a little to send raunchy pictures or do things he wasn’t quite sure about. But it was fine because he was his boyfriend. That’s what you did with boyfriends.

They carried on like that for a few months, all of it secret. Alex wanted to tell Maria and Liz about him a few times, but Elijah said it was a bad idea and he knew it. He loved them but he wasn’t sure they’d be able to keep it a complete secret. And no one could find out about Elijah and him because of his dad.

But it was a couple nights before the spring choir concert when Alex started hearing things about Elijah having a girlfriend. That didn’t make sense to Alex and he was sure it wasn’t real. People must’ve gotten things confused. Elijah was close to a lot of girls, it was bound to happen. Elijah was Alex’s boyfriend. No one else’s. But, still, Alex found himself a little more willing to send more explicit pictures for a couple days just to make sure he still held his attention.

Which didn’t stop him from walking down the hall, hand in hand with a girl on the day of the spring choir concert.

Alex didn’t know how to deal with the pain that flooded his system at the sight. He got irrationally upset and wanted to confront him right there, but he decided to wait. He waited until lunch time and they met up at their usual spot behind the bleachers. That’s where they would kiss and talk and do boyfriend things.

“I saw you with that girl,” Alex said boldly as Elijah went to greet him with a kiss. He had the audacity to be confused and, when he realized Alex was serious, he rolled his eyes. “Are you cheating on me?”

“Look, it’s not that big of a deal. I started talking to Cassie way before I even started talking to you,” Elijah told him. The way he said it made it sound like it made it less mean. It didn’t stop Alex’s heart from breaking. “It’s not the same.”

“What do you mean it’s not the same? You’re cheating on me!”

Elijah sighed, “Don’t be dramatic, it’s not cheating.”

“Then what do you call it?”

“Alex, it doesn’t even count. I mean, you’re a guy.”

Alex blinked and swallowed harshly, trying to follow his train of thought. It counted for him. It really, really counted for him. That wasn’t fair.

“I don’t think we should see each other anymore,” Alex said softly. Elijah scoffed.

“Oh, c’mon, don’t be like that.”

“No, ‘cause it counts for me. It’s cheating.”

Alex was proud of himself for being man enough to walk away.

Less proud of himself for taking all the way up until Elijah graduated two months later before he stopped answering every time he called.

.First Love.

“You trust me?”

“Um, yes.”

“Then c’mon.”

Alex bit down on his bottom lip as he caved and jumped into the passenger seat of Michael’s truck. They were newly graduated, fresh adults, and everyone was supposed to be going to graduation parties. Of course, Liz wasn’t around anymore and Alex was finding it hard to celebrate when Rosa was dead.

But he still told his dad he was going to one which meant he could sneak off with Michael.

Part of him felt a little guilty for allowing himself even a shred of happiness, but then all he had to do was look at Michael’s fucked hand and he realized nothing really mattered. Soon, he’d be off to basic and he’d have to leave Michael behind. He was going to steal all the happiness he could.

Michael draped his arm around Alex’s shoulders as he drove out to the middle of nowhere and Alex leaned into his side. His head hit his shoulder and his eyes closed, soaking up the closeness of, well, him. He smelled like motor oil since he drove straight from work to graduation. Alex didn’t mind. In fact, he was pretty sure he would miss that smell when he was gone.

Alex tilted his head back to press a kiss to his neck and, from the corner of his eye, saw Michael smile. He had such a gorgeous smile. He was just gorgeous in general with his big, expressive eyes and sunburnt cheeks. Beautiful, kind, caring, what more could someone ask for in a boyfriend?

The truck pulled to a stop in the middle of the desert, far away from where anyone could stumble upon them, much less find them on purpose. It was a comforting thought.

The two of them climbed into the bed of the truck and laid out his sleeping bags to give them some sort of cushion before they laid down. Alex laid directly in his arms and Michael responded with a sweet little hum as they got comfortable.

“So, what’s next?” Alex asked, “What’s your plan?”

“I don’t know. Fix up cars, work on ranches, save up money.”

“What happened to UNM?”

Michael was quiet for a moment before he exhaled heavily for a solid ten seconds. Alex tilted his head up to see that he very clearly hadn’t anticipated this conversation. Which was valid. But Alex knew they had limited time together. He wanted to make sure Michael was going to do something good with that big brain of his.

“I don’t think I’m gonna go,” Michael admitted, “Too big of a change all at once.”

Alex furrowed his eyebrows. “How? Everything’s gonna change already.”

“Yeah, but… At least staying here I have Max and Isobel,” Michael said. Alex lifted his head to meet his eyes. Michael was visibly sad, but he was trying to hide it. He sucked at hiding it. “I don’t know, I’m just not ready.”

“But you’re so smart. What happened to ag? You’ve been wanting to do that since I met you,” Alex pointed out. Michael forced a flirtatious little smile.

“Well, who’s gonna cheer me on when you’re gone?” he teased. But Alex didn’t find it funny.

“Guerin, don’t base your future around me. As much as I would love to be there with you every step of the way, you need to think about it for real. You could be something great, don’t bury yourself in me,” Alex told him, watching his smile fade. It was replaced by a sad bit of understanding.

“I know. I’m just gonna miss you,” he said.

“I’m gonna miss you too,” Alex agreed.

Michael stared at him for a moment before looking away and up towards the sky, no longer making eye contact as he steadied his breathing. Alex knew he didn’t like talking about the future or the fact that Alex was leaving or the idea of growing up. For someone who had no real sense of stability, he hated any type of change. It was confusing and Alex didn’t know how to make him understand that he just wanted what was best for him.

Then it dawned on him that maybe that’s what love really was.

“Hey,” Alex said, gently laying his palm on Michael’s cheek and guiding his sight back to him, “I know it’s going to be weird after I leave and I still want you to do something good with your brain, but this isn’t forever. I’m coming home. I don’t know when or, or who I’ll be when I do, but I’m gonna come home to you. I promise.”

And that seemed to be good enough for Michael. At least for that night.

.First ‘I Love You’.

“Like it fuckin’ matters? No one in our crew is a queer anyways.”

Alex forced a laugh and focused on his food. As of this morning, DADT was finally gone. Part of him thought he’d feel safer once it was, but he didn’t. The threat was still there. Now he just didn’t have a whole law to keep his self esteem from eating away at itself.

He wanted to shout it from the rooftops that he was here, he was queer, and if anyone had a problem with it, he would show them up. But then people that he hung out with every day, his friends, said things that scared the shit out of him. He knew that, if he came out, they probably wouldn’t actually care and would only require a little bit of reform, but the word probably still kept him in his cage.

“Manes!” Alex lifted his head to Col. Monroe, the man looking slightly more irritated than usual. “Do I need to send you to go hunt down Lawrence or is he on his way? I need to have a talk with him.”

A talk. Alex’s stomach dropped, but he didn’t let it show. Instead, he stood to his feet.

“I’ll go find him, Sir.”

“Good man.”

Alex discarded his tray quickly and headed to Jay’s place on base. His heart was thudding in his chest and slowly began to think this was probably on purpose. Jay Lawrence was a very reckless man and if almost pissing off someone high ranking was what it took to get Alex alone, well, he didn’t put it past him.

Alex knocked on the door and it opened almost immediately. Jay stood at attention just to be safe, his toned body barely restrained by his almost-too-small uniform when he flexed, but he gave a sneaky little smile once he saw Alex. Then he pulled him inside. Once the door was closed, Alex was being kissed so senseless that it took him a moment to forget why he even came in the first place.

He grabbed Jay’s elbows, breathing him in as he reluctantly pulled away. When he opened his eyes, Jay was just staring at him like he was the best thing to grace the Earth and it was easy to feel flustered by that. Alex wasn’t stupid, he knew Jay liked him more than he liked Jay. But Alex admittedly liked the attention and he definitely liked not feeling so alone, so he said nothing.

“DADT is fucking gone, A,” he said, a weight very clearly thrown off his shoulders, “Like officially. No rumors of it being gone, no vague date, no waiting. It’s gone. We, we could be something for real.”

Alex rubbed his thumb over his forearm, smiling slightly. He was younger than Alex, not by much but by enough. He had a family who loved him, who he was out to and who didn’t mind. They all agreed to keep hush so he could serve his country though. He was so pure and kind. He was way too good for Alex.

“Don’t get ahead of yourself,” Alex teased lightly, sliding his hand up to the side of his neck. He’d never been with a man who was so dark that it made him look so pale in comparison before, but, like always, he found it hard to stop staring. They looked good together, objectively, aesthetically. They could be so good. “People still don’t like it. They were bitching about it in the DFAC.”

“Fuck them, what are they gonna do?” Jay asked, stepping in close again to go for another kiss. Reluctantly, Alex dodged it.

“Monroe sent me to find you. Said he wants to talk to you,” Alex told him. His smile faded just a little.

“Okay, then I’ll go, but don’t change the subject,” Jay said, moving his hands to his hips, “C’mon, let’s talk about it. When can we make it public? Or, just, like stop trying so hard to hide?”

Alex stared at him, trying to find a way to say never. If it got back to his father that he was seeing someone in the Air Force, Jay would be so fucked. His career, his life, his entire self would never be the same if his father had a say. That was difficult to explain, especially to someone who had never met the man. But Alex heard it loud and clear when he first met the General and he said, “Manes? I served with your grandpa. Good man.”

He could never be safe and queer here.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea. Especially not here, not now,” Alex said softly. Jay’s smile dropped and Alex’s heart ached in its wake.

“A,” Jay said, shaking his head, “You said once DADT was gone, we could‒”

“The stigma is still there. We’ll still be targeted and I don’t want that for you, for either of us.”

“Fuck them!”

“That’s not how this works,” Alex said calmly, “These are people we have to fight beside, you can’t make them hate who you are and you can’t not care what they think.”

“I love you,” Jay said desperately, trying to get him to understand how much he didn’t care about anything else. Alex felt his mouth go dry and his eyes widened. “Look, if it’s that bad, let’s leave when our contract is up. I wanna be with you more than I want to be some fucking war hero.”

“I…” Alex said, clearing his throat as he took a step back, “I’m not leaving the Air Force. I’m not coming out. I’m sorry.”

“Are you serious, right now?” Jay demanded. The hurt was clear on his face and Alex felt so fucking bad. But it wasn’t an option. “So what was all that shit you told me, huh? Just stuff to keep me around so your dick had something better than your hand?”

Alex didn’t know what to say, so instead he said nothing. Jay shook his head and sniffled and suggested that he leave. So Alex left.

The Colonel ended up telling Jay that his sister, a strong willed woman slowly climbing the ranks in the army, had committed suicide. He left after his term was up.

Alex thought about him more than he would ever admit.

.First Pride.

“Do you think I look too gay?”

“I am going to destroy that thought process one day. One day.”

Alex rolled his eyes, but Forrest grinned over his shoulder and dragged his hands over his hips and it was hard to be annoyed. Forrest was kind and supportive and brought a side of Alex out that he thought had been long buried. It made him feel a little bit better, a little bit stronger. Something was still missing, but he wasn’t scared anymore.

“But to answer your question, no, you don’t look ‘too gay’. Whatever that means,” Forrest said, “Even if you did, we’re literally going to a pride party so it doesn’t matter.”

“I don’t want your friends to think I’m weird.”

“Alex, all of my friends are queer. All of them. You will be the only straight-passing one there.”

“Straight-passing? That’s a thing?”

“You have so much to learn.”

Alex rolled his eyes again, shaking his head. Forrest just pressed a kiss to his neck before putting his hands on his shoulders, trying to massage out the tension. Alex didn’t think it would work. He was nervous to be so… out there. Sure, he kissed Forrest in the Wild Pony, but that was different. He was high on adrenaline. This was real and prolonged.

This was going to a gay bar with a man on his arm.

He spent a lot of time trying to decipher what exactly out was for him. Was it screaming from the rooftops or was it just being comfortable in his skin? He still wasn’t quite sure. For right now, though, he could try screaming from the rooftops. Forrest seemed to like it and, well, it was better than hiding.

As they made their way towards Planet 7, Alex felt himself get even more anxious. He was so fucking terrified that he was going to do something wrong, that he was going to embarrass himself. He still was trying to comprehend the difference between being too gay and not gay enoguh, where he fit on that scale, if it mattered.

Forrest said it didn’t matter, but then he would start talking about shit Alex had never even heard of and he suddenly felt like he was bad at being queer. There were so many words he didn’t know, so much he had to learn about not only being a gay man, but the other people who were LGBT+ and the history behind it. It was almost overwhelming. Fascinating, though.

“Hey,” Forrest said as he walked up to a table. It was four of Forrest’s friends, all having colorful hair and having pride-themed makeup. Alex tried not to feel so out of place or envious. He had a feeling that if he met people like this back in high school, he would’ve become someone a lot different. It was hard being the only punk one in Roswell.

“This must be the boyfriend,” one of Forrest’s friends said. Alex gave a smile and shrugged as Forrest led him to sit beside him at the table. “I’m Em, I use they/them pronouns.”

“I’m Casey, Em’s girlfriend, I use she/they.”

“Ryan, he/him.”

“And I’m Sophie and I use ‘em all.”

Alex hesitantly looked over Forrest for guidance. He just gave an encouraging smile and nodded towards them as if he didn’t feel out of place as it was. But he was willing to try.

“I’m Alex, I use he/him, I guess,” he said. He felt like he was back in basic, starting from scratch on how to interact with people. He didn’t wanna fuck up.

“I may have told them you needed a solid introduction of everyone,” Forrest laughed. Alex tried to laugh a little too and definitely did a lot better once he got some alcohol in his system.

For the next couple hours, Alex mainly listened to them talk, but he wasn’t bored. It was a nice change of pace. No aliens or government conspiracies. Instead, they spoke of politics and movies and books and people. They invited Alex to go with them the next weeked when they planned to give supplies to homeless people (something they did regularly) and tend to the community garden they’d started to supply people who needed it with free food. They didn’t seem to mind that he was learning the proper language or the way to act, they welcomed him with open arms because he was trying to learn. It made it so much easier to relax.

But then Isobel and Michael walked in.

They didn’t approach him, but they waved and he waved back. After a few too many minutes of wondering how the hell Isobel got Michael here, Alex offered to go buy the next round of drinks. He went to stand by them as he did so.

“Fancy seeing you here,” Isobel teased. Alex gave her a warm smile and then did the same to Michael. He looked a little tired, but he was able to smile back easily.

“Yeah, I was thinking the same thing,” Alex said before ordering the drinks, “Shocked you got Guerin all the way out here.”

“I’m trying something new,” Michael said. Alex nodded.

“I feel that. So am I.”

“How does it feel to be out? I’m loving it,” Isobel said. Alex snorted.

“I know you are,” he said, “But it looks good on you, all the confidence and ‘fuck you’ attitude. Suits you.”

“Speaking of, I’m going to go work on getting laid,” Isobel sighed happily, turning on her seat and heading to where people were congregating and celebrating most. And then there were two.

“What about you?” Michael asked.

“Hmm?”

“You said all the being out looks good on Isobel. What about yourself?” Michael said, staring at him like he really wanted an answer. Alex licked his lips and thought about it, looking over to where Forrest and his friends were laughing.

“I don’t think I know yet,” Alex admitted, “I’m still trying to figure out what that even means to me, you know? Like Isobel and Forrest, they like that it’s known from the moment someone sees them. And it’s not that I don’t like it, it’s just…”

“Invasive,” Michael noted. Alex nodded.

“Yeah. But it’s better than hiding, so I think it’s good for me.”

“I’m happy for you,” Michael told him and he sounded sincere even as he sipped his virgin daiquiri. Alex smiled.

“Thank you.”

Alex took the drinks back to the table and fit himself back into the conversation. Another couple hours went by before it was nearing its way towards midnight and they decided it was time to go home. They said their goodbyes and nice-to-meet-yous before going their separate ways.

“You were uncomfortable.”

“Huh?”

Alex turned to Forrest who had happily agreed to stay sober to drive while Alex drank to release the tension. The night sky was full of stars and the moon was full and Forrest was smiling, but it didn’t make sense with his words.

“Tonight. Being there made you uncomfortable. Was it the crowd? The rainbows? Just overwhelming in general? Talk to me,” Forrest pressed. Alex licked his lips and shifted in his seat.

“I-I think I’m more of a private person, I guess,” he tried, hoping his words didn’t come off as offensive, “It’s nice being out and proud, but… I guess I still don’t feel like me.”

“You know there’s a middle ground, right?” Forrest said. Alex gave him his full attention, eager to hear about what that might look like. “It’s your business, Alex. Not showing it always doesn’t mean you’re hiding.”

“I guess.”

“Some people that’s who they are, you know? It’s not a bad thing, it’s just who they are, it’s who I am. Our personalities are loud and that part of us shines through. You don’t have to force yourself to be bigger than you are to be queer enough. As long as you feel like yourself then it doesn’t fucking matter,” Forrest said. Alex gave him a confused smile.

“But I thought you said‒”

“Well, maybe I was wrong,” Forrest admitted. Alex relaxed more than he had in awhile. “That was before I got to know you and your past and before I understood that being private didn’t mean you were ashamed. I don’t want you forcing yourself to be someone you’re not for me. You can be Alex Manes, war hero who happens to be gay. You don’t have to be Alex Manes, gay war hero.”

Alex closed his eyes and smiled to himself, feeling better than he had in a long time.

Maybe he could just be him.

.Forever.

“Holy fuck, what did you take?”

“Um, antidepressants?”

A shocked laugh bubbled out of Michael and Alex smiled in response, propping his head up on his hand as he stared at the man he was going to spend his life with. He was all laid out after what honestly could’ve been two hours of fucking outside‒Alex wasn’t sure, he wasn’t really focused on the clock‒and he was in a blissful, sweaty daze. It was one of Alex’s many favorite sights.

After about a year of living in town together and talking about what they wanted to do, the two of them made the unanimous decision to fully renovate Jim Valenti’s hunting cabin and make that their permanent residence. Sure, the drive was a pain, but everything else made it worth it. They had all the privacy in the world to do things like fuck on the daybed Isobel insisted putting on their back porch the minute they mentioned building a pool.

“Aren’t antidepressants supposed to make you less sexually active or something?” Michael asked, slowly regaining his strength and using it to reach for Alex.

“I mean, it’s a common side effect, but I’ve only had that problem a couple times,” Alex admitted, sinking back into the daybed to press a kiss to his sweaty chest. Michael wrapped his arms around him and Alex found himself smiling even wider.

If someone had told him five years ago that he would be happily engaged to Michael Guerin, he would’ve laughed. He never saw himself being in a place where he felt comfortable enough to be in a loving, committed, serious relationship. Every other time, it was so easy to hide‒whether that be hiding in himself or from himself. Michael was the only one who seemed to be on the same wavelength.

It just took him awhile to get there.

“God, I fucking love you,” Michael groaned, squeezing him so tight that Alex couldn’t help but smile so wide it hurt his cheeks. He accepted the kisses that doused his face.

“I love you too.”

Alex tilted his head up to meet him in a kiss, one leading to another until they were slipping into a lazy makeout session. They would eventually have to get up, clean off, get dress, act like useful members of society, but wasn’t it so much fun to do nothing but enjoy each other?

They were over 30. They’d wasted their 20s being confused and lost and sad and now they were grown ass men and they’d both refused to waste their lives being so miserable. A little bit of therapy and self-inspection had made it clear they just needed to work a bit harder to make that possible. Apparently, they had very similar hangups.

So they adjusted to make things work. Michael assured Alex that he was enough all the time, doting on him in a way that Alex craved and needed so he wouldn’t second guess himself. Alex made sure to always keep Michael in the loop even if it felt stupid, a small but difficult change to make sure Michael never felt like he was going to be left behind. They always let each other know where they were, who they were with, what they were doing. It wasn’t about control, it was about comfort. They’d gone too many years not knowing. It was so much easier to know.

“I was thinkin’ about our wedding,” Michael whispered, breaking the endless string of kisses. Alex smiled at the word. He never in a million year saw himself getting married. But, damn, might as well. “What if we did it in that big church in the middle of Roswell?”

“You wanna get married in a church?” Alex laughed. Michael ran his hand over his chest.

“I mean, not really, but I think it’d be super fucking funny. Besides, wouldn’t that make us the first queer couple to get married inside Roswell lines? That’d be fuckin’ hilarious.”

“Oh, you want our wedding to be funny?”

“I mean, yeah,” Michael admitted. Alex laughed softly and shook his head. “I know you don’t like big stuff like that, but c’mon. We could laugh about it with our grandchildren.”

Alex smiled even bigger and pushed himself up to give him another kiss. Wedding, grandchildren, fiance. He got to use those words all for himself. Wasn’t that wild?

“Okay, let’s do it. Our wedding pictures can have us flipping off everyone.”

“See?” Michael said, “You get it.”

A few more kisses later, they eventually decided to be grownups and they pulled themselves to their feet to go inside and clean up, make dinner, take care of themselves. Everything felt so easy. Sure, bad days came still and arguments still happened, but Alex was happy.

It turns out, while his goal had always been to just be able to relax, the real happy ending was freedom.

And, with Michael, he was free.

#alexweek2020 #alexappreciation2020 #alex manes #alex manes fic #malex fic #roswell new mexico #my fic #malex #forlex

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ice-cream-nekogirl · 4 years ago

Text

dying in UA (Shinsou Hitoshi X Reader)

GAH ANGST... >.< Dunno why I’m in that kinda mood... waaaaaah this made me so sad because I put in some of my own personal feelings in this one too... SO... That’s a warning! For intrusive thoughts and references to depression so... Reader Discretion is Advised...

I’m gonna make maybe two more parts to this... I have to! I have a plan...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aW3axr0o0wY

Summary: Shinsou’s going to be in the Hero Course starting his second year, which was great until he remembered that he’s not the only one with big dreams.

Hell is trying so hard to get what you want.

And Hell is the place Shinsou felt that he was born into. For the longest time he’s wanted to be a hero, and yet when he was 5 years old that’s when he discovered that his quirk lets him control people just by talking to them. He could make them do whatever he wanted them to do, or rather, it was limited, but still.

He can control people, and so naturally, that made him more like a villain than a hero. He’s heard it all before.

So naturally, that made me more like a villain than a hero. I’ve heard it all before.

“Your quirk is more like a villain’s quirk.”

“Wow so you can make people do anything you want them huh?”

“Please don’t try anything weird on me okay?”

Stupid ignorant assholes. He would show them all that they were wrong about him, about his quirk. His dream was, no, it still is to be a hero. No his quirk isn’t flashy, but he knows how to use it well, shouldn’t that be all that matters? Why does everything have to fit in a damn category?

He doesn’t know. That’s why he’s stood alone most of the time. No one understood, and frankly he didn’t have time for people. He never really liked them much anyway, not after what they’ve said to him. He doesn’t necessarily hate people, but he would rather not be around many.

Some people call it a lonely life, but he’s used to being alone. He’s used to just sometimes staying home, bored and all alone with nothing but these pretentious thoughts of his. Sometimes just lying in bed and not feeling motivated enough to get out of bed or change his pajama pants.

Tonight, this was one of those moments as he had fallen into a fitful sleep just thinking too much about everything, his life, how he somehow made it into UA and for a moment, he actually thought that his dream had come true. Until he remembered that while he made it into the Hero Course, there were 21 other students here that wanted exactly what he wanted to. Every one of them wanted the same dream, and then he spent the rest of the night thinking, “What the hell am I going to do?”

Aizawa was a fantastic teacher and mentor, but how could Shinsou compete with everyone else here? What if Aizawa training him wasn’t a guarantee? What if all this time he was just fooling himself into thinking that this wasn’t going to work? The moment he stepped into this class it became clear to him, he’s just another kid with big dreams.

There was nothing special about him at all. He knew it, and the darkness in his mind knew it too, and always reminded him whenever he thought about it, whether he was awake, or asleep.

“If it’s all too much… just keep sleeping…”

“I can’t sleep forever… just go away… I don’t need you to bother me…”

“I’m not going away anytime sugar… I’m a part of you…”

“Why can I stop… feeling this way…?”

“Hero. Villain. Does it really matter?”

“No… Nothing matters…”

“That’s right dear… Nothing matters at all…”

His eyebrows furrowed as he had fallen asleep, having a mental battle with the weight of hopelessness, misery and insecurities falling on top of him, pushing him to the ground until he lied on his back to just keep sleeping. No, he didn’t want to sleep…

Shinsou didn’t even realize that he was tossing and turning in his sleep until he felt a cool hand on his forehead and something soft on his cheek as he cracked his eyes open. “Mmm… Hito… what happened? What’s the matter? What’s the matter…?” You asked with a groggy yet somewhat frantic voice when you felt him thrashing about in his sleep again while you had cuddled up to him.

Suddenly he remembered that he wasn’t alone.

“Nothing…” Now he felt guilty, yet relieved that he had woken up, he hated it whenever he dreamt about his own troubled thoughts and depression literally weighing him down, and he still couldn’t move where he lied. It felt as if he was… trapped.

He felt trapped.

“Oh Hitoshi…” You cuddled up to him, putting your hand on his chest to steady him, feeling rather sad when you could practically feel his sadness. Aura Creation was a great quirk, for the most part, because it let you construct things out of your emotions as long as you could channel them, but at the same time it also let you experience the emotions of others which was very distracting sometimes and as a result you were highly sensitive to your own feelings and others.

Including your poor boyfriend, who swallowed his emotions and kept them bottled up that you teared up and let one slip from your closed eyes the second you touched him.

“There’s a dark fog in your brain…” You mumbled softly as you felt him sigh.

“There’s always a dark fog in my brain.” He replied somewhat sardonically as you wryly chuckled.

“That ain’t good…” Your tone was just as dry as you hugged him close, “Darling… I don’t think this… I know this… you’re way too hard on yourself…” Was all you could bring yourself to say, as Shinsou paid attention, even if he was lost in his thoughts, brain still feeling trapped.

“I know. I can’t stop… I hate it… I can’t even move. I just feel… trapped…” Shinsou might have sounded vague, but you completely understood him and nodded into his chest, “So do I ya know? Feels like while I’m here now… what after? Will it matter? I wonder… I mean… everyone here… is better than me. I know they are…” You thought outloud with a sad tone, and for a moment that lulled Shinsou out of the trap for just a moment.

He could not stand seeing or hearing you sound sad, for once he shifted a little bit where he lied to make sure you were okay, “Yeah… I get it… I really do.” Shinsou stopped thinking about himself for a minute, because while he was selfish by nature and was used to putting himself first, ever since he met you and fell in love with you, it changed a little bit. He wanted to put you first, because you loved him, you actually made him feel loved.

Even in these times where he was starting to realize just how terrible he was. And of course, you also apparently had the same thoughts, you thought YOU were terrible too. Maybe that’s what drew you to him, and maybe that’s what drew him to you.

You both hated yourselves, and yet you loved each other. What a beautifully ironic fucked up romantic couple the two of you were.

“Dammit… sorry… I made it about myself… I’m sorry Toshi…” You immediately apologized for being insensitive but Shinsou quickly shook his head, “No don’t be…” Honestly, he was kinda glad you made it about you because he didn’t want it to be about him, sometimes even he got tired about thinking of himself.

“But I wanted to say that… I know you’re not okay… but it’s okay that you’re not okay… it’s okay to feel like this sometimes… but I don’t want you to think it’s okay to feel like nothing matters, like you don’t matter because… you do…” You sat up a bit, (E/C) eyes finally meeting his lavender ones, which had been looking duller lately.

“It’s so hard to believe that sometimes…” He admitted with a soft, resigned tone as you nodded, “It really is… I know it is… when everyone else makes ya feel that way too… but you’re here Hitoshi. You’re a hero… more than anyone else is… you’re my hero.” You gave him a little smile, resting your head into his shoulder as you didn’t even see his lips quiver a little bit.

“So mushy gushy…” He forced himself to chuckle as he wiped his eyes when his eyes threatened to make tears as you laughed softly and kissed him softly on the lips, “You love it~.” Using a light-hearted tone you smiled up at him and made him chuckle and laugh, “I don’t love your breath right now…”

“Yes you do~.” He was so teasing you but you just kept playing around just to make him feel a little less bad, and it was working, Shinsou put his arms around you and remembered that while he still felt trapped where he was, that maybe it would get better because you were here with him. And maybe he really would be the hero you said he was.

“I just wanna sleep…” Now he really did want to go sleep now, hopefully have a better dream after he talked a little bit with you and relaxed his troubled heart for tonight. “So do I… Brendon Urie lullaby?” You suggested with a little tilt of your head and he couldn’t say no to that. He loved Brendon, and that man knew how to do everything, make someone dance, make someone sing, and make someone sleep with his sensual, incredible voice.

“Perfect…” He didn’t hesitate to get his phone and put a song on for the two of you to listen to and fall asleep to. A tearjerker, but Shinsou thought it was one of his best songs because of the painful realities and the way Brendon sounded so melancholic complete with the sad, dulcet sound of the piano.

“The moment you arrived they built you up The sun was in your eyes You couldn't believe it Riches all around, you're walking Stars are on the ground You start to believe it…”

Shinsou quietly sang the song, and you quickly joined him because neither of you couldn’t not sing a song by Brendon. Especially not this one even if it was sad, it was catchy too. A song the two of you could relate to, especially in a school like UA and the two of you just wanted to be heroes. It was something that allowed the two of you to really connect and bond the way you did.

“Every face along the boulevard is a dreamer just like you You looked at death in a tarot card and you saw what you had to do…

It was something that allowed the two of you to fall in love because you understood each other.

“But nobody knows you now When you're dying in LA And nobody owes you now When you're dying in LA… When you're dying in LA… When you're dying in LA…”

You could listen to Shinsou singing forever, he had a lovely voice and it was enough to lull you to sleep as your voice grew groggy as you sang with him. Thinking about UA, and how it was both the best and the worst. The worst because not everyone here was amazing, they were some good and some shitty people here, but it was the best also because you and Shinsou went to school here together to work together and fall in love the way you had.

Shinsou certainly thought so, this place really was the best and the worst. You were the best though, to him you were the best and you thought he was the best too. You made him feel like he really was going to be a hero, and he made you feel that you were worth something, that you mattered and that you could be a hero too.

“The power, the power, the power Oh the power, the power, the power Of LA…”

As the song came to an end, Shinsou looked at your peaceful face as you had fallen asleep. You were the last thing he saw before he closed his eyes and finally fell into more of a serene slumber without any of his intrusive thoughts coming back to haunt him after you saved him from them for the night.

And when the morning eventually came, you and Shinsou kept your eyes closed and kept holding each other to bask in the tranquility, listening to the birds chirping outside.

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akindofmagictoo · 4 years ago

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manuscript search tag game

@zmlorenz left an open tag for the words long, tempt, bed, jaw and... frankly I just wanted to do this one because I’m 97% sure that ‘jaw’ will give me Brendon getting his butt kicked by Isi.

long (Dragonsong)

Robin pointed, and at that same moment Isi heard a low growl from that direction. SB was awake and on his feet now as well, and at the sound of the growl turned to go the other way.

Isi grabbed him by the back of the shirt. “We can’t outrun them.” Most importantly, Robin couldn’t, and she wouldn’t leave him. “And horses will take too long. We stand and fight.” She grabbed a dagger from her belt and held it out.

“I can’t—you think I can fight off wolves with that?”

“Can you throw rocks?”

A wolf growled again, closer this time.

“I guess.”

“Well, do that. Stay behind me.” Even if she’d had much armour, there was little time to put it on. She’d have to hope her sword would be enough.

tempt (Hurricane)

“We’re about to pass through Tempters’ Bluffs. Siren-infested waters, as you might have guessed. Trust me. You’ll be glad for that.” [Victoire] gestured at the object she’d given him— a lump of wax. “You could stay on deck, but…”

“Why are we going through… Tempters’ Bluffs, was it? It sounds unpleasant.”

She nodded. “True. But it’s so we can make up time on the Hurricane. As dangerous as the Bluffs are, they’re a good shortcut. At least according to Tempest.”

bed (Dragonsong)

Baya set a heaped plate of food in front of Isi. Isi glanced up with a smile. “Thank you.”

“No problem, dear. Are your friends still in bed?”

Isi put down her tea so she could sit up properly. “I don’t know. I think Sierra might have gone for a walk.”

“No matter. I’ll make sure there’s food for them when they want it.” Baya handed Isi some cutlery and turned to distribute the other plates that she held expertly balanced on her arms.

jaw (Dragonsong) (this occurs six times. two refer to dragons, two to other people... and these two to Brendon)

“He only listened to you because—”

Isi was not interested in this line of argument. One quick jab of the quarterstaff to Brendon’s jaw and his eyes rolled up in his head. He slumped backwards.

The little girl stared at Isi, her eyes still wide.

“Aw, how sweet. You brought friends.” Brendon’s voice.

Isi spun to face the sound. “It’s over, Brendon. You should go.”

Brendon glared at her. The mark on his jaw where she’d hit him was angry red against his pale skin. Behind him stood a handful of other knights. Isi suspected they were the ones who’d run away earlier. They looked more confident now that Isi’s group had dispersed and now that they had Brendon to lead them.

I shall tag @ashen-crest @etjwrites @sleepyowlwrites and anyone else who wants to play! your words are sail, sober, slay, snooze

#tag game #manuscript search tag #wip dragonsong #dragonsong excerpt #wip hurricane #hurricane excerpt #searching circle

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mydisenchantedeulogy · 4 years ago

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End Game [Chapter Five] Tomorrow Never Knows [Levi Ackerman]

The dawn of the excursion beyond the walls inevitably came. It was being addressed by many as a milestone for the human race, but for one particular woman, it felt nothing short of a sendoff.

Camilla stared in a trance at the sun as it broke the horizon and rose into the clear sky. She had been like this for a while, resting on the edge of the tower, lost in her thoughts. Something was nagging at her; something she could only describe as a feeling of fear. It was not caused by the very thought of venturing into unfamiliar territory, but caused by something Hange mentioned to her the previous day.

There is an enemy among us.

Puzzled at first, Camilla didn’t think much of it. There were many people who opposed the force – such as the MP brigade – many who did not understand their methods. It was not until she read an unfinished segment in Hange’s notes, involving two test subjects that were killed, that she understood.

There is an enemy among us.

Someone in the corps had a wicked agenda. But who? Camilla had a feeling they were not yet done. This is why she desired to avoid the expedition; the timing was not coincidental.

But does that matter to Erwin?

The bright-eyed woman huffed an irritated sigh. She really despised his logic – sacrifice for the price of freedom. “No one can win without sacrificing.”

“What are you on about, you little shit?”

Camilla lurched forward in alarm. Once she realized Levi had snuck up on her, she aimed a glare at him. “Warn me next time.”

Levi stared at her firmly. “Keep your guard up. Don’t chose now to act like a shitty novice.”

Isn’t that what I am?

She had been off the field for too long. True, the refresher classes helped; they prepared her for what she’d be facing, but nothing could measure up to the real experience. She nodded in spite of this; he had a point.

“Shouldn’t you be at breakfast?” She turned her body to face him, smirking impishly. “It’s the most important meal of the day, you know? You’ll never get any bi––

He flicked her nose, interrupting her. “Knock it off with the short jokes.” Levi sat down beside her while she wiped the sudden tears from her eyes. “Anyway, you should eat lightly so you don’t puke up your guts again.”

That was one time, Camilla thought in disgust. She puckered her lip, but in any case, she was glad that he managed to distract her for a moment. Her recent thoughts were still nagging at her, but at least she wasn’t consumed by them any longer. Even so, there was something she wanted to ask Levi.

“It’s been a while, but are we going to exchange rings?”

Levi glanced at her. “Assumed you’d ask sooner.” Honestly, he came up to the tower because he thought he’d miss the chance to speak with her once the expedition began. He veered his eyes to the basic silver band around his finger and twisted it with his thumb. The idea to exchange rings was his – a practical way to keep Camilla attentive and calm while on the field. It seemed to work – they’d done it twice before – so the impassive man had no qualms about handing over his ring to her. She kept it closed up in her coat pocket, because like him, she wasn’t able to wear it on her finger.

“I’ll give it back once we return,” she mentioned.

“That’s the idea,” Levi replied. “Though it may be a while. It’s a few days ride to Shiganshina, and on top of that, Erwin has plans for us to drop off supplies to each of the two stations before we head straight there. You may not see much of me until then.”

Camilla nodded in agreement. “I’m fine with that – so long as I have the ring. Perhaps the trip won’t be so bad; sky looks clear of rain.”

Her optimism was noxious, in Levi’s opinion. Setbacks were bound to happen, and as much as Camilla wanted things to proceed according to plan, the likelihood of this happening was slim. He said nothing in opposition and sat quietly until the sun was towering above them. It was about that time; Erwin would be calling for saddle up soon. Levi glanced at his wife’s ring one last time before fastening it up in his beige coat, then pulled himself up onto his feet.

“Finish up here and get to the war room. Erwin should have our positions ready.”

Leaving her alone, Levi strode by the vice leader of the medical team on his way down the stairs. She hastily saluted him, balancing a tray of food in her left hand. Henderson, he recalled Camilla saying.

“Keep an eye on her,” he said. Motioning with his hand for her to continue on, he overheard her squeak in agreement.

Levi was doubtful.

“These our orders?”

Camilla gave a brief glance at Brendon, nodded to his question, then averted her eyes once again to the sheet of paper in her hand. It wasn’t an official posting, but the writing indeed came from Erwin’s hand. Strange he would write it this way.

This doesn’t tell me a lot. She huffed in annoyance and brought her attention back to her team. Each of them was huddled in front of the stable doors, eagerly waiting.

There were eleven members in total, excluding herself; four she already had the pleasure of meeting, and one she graduated with in the 87th.

“Listen up, because we’re going to be split into advanced relief teams for this mission,” she said loudly and forcefully. “The first squad will be stationed with relay; comprised mostly of the new recruits. The second will man the carts and guard the materials inside. Felde will head relay; Bergt, Koch, and Haas are with her. Tremaine is over carts with Helme, Wagner, and Ziegler. That leaves the third ART with me – Henderson, Lensing, and Neff.”

Camilla hesitated a moment; her next thoughts were private, but something she felt like she owed them. “Seeing as I won’t be with each of you … I ask that you don’t act recklessly out there. If a problem should arise, follow the LDES formation and listen to your squad leaders. I hope to see each of you at the first checkpoint, so if there are no questions, you are all dismissed to take your positions. Be safe.” She watched carefully as each of them dispersed into the stables, then followed closely behind.

For the mission, the Scouts were required to travel on horseback; the distance was too much on foot. Camilla was assigned a pinto-colored mare with ashen spots – he wasn’t given a name, for palpable reasons. He nickered softly as she rubbed his neck.

“Promise me.”

The dark-haired captain looked towards the sound of the voice, overhearing an exchange between Michella and Brendon. “Please. I just want to hear you say everything will be okay.” Camilla watched curiously as he softly touched the woman’s shoulder.

Michella shook her head. “You know I can’t do that; it’s naïve. We could both die out there, and I won’t give you hope by promising something out of my hands.”

“Then do me a favor and don’t be a hero. If it means putting your life on the line for someone else, then it’s not worth it.” He waited for her to reply, but when she didn’t, Brendon scoffed and walked away.

It’s not my concern.

Camilla huffed a sigh and took her mare by the reins, guiding him outside the stable. She knew better than to involve herself with something she had no knowledge of, but the fact she heard it made it harder to ignore.

Frankly, as a medic it wasn’t difficult to stay out of harm’s reach while on the field; judge a person’s chance of survival and save or leave them. This wasn’t heroic, but with so many scouts risking their lives, it was expected of a person wearing a red cross. She only hoped that Michella wouldn’t be thoughtless out there.

Burying her worries, Camilla mounted the mottled horse and got into formation. She was exceedingly surprised to be lumped together with Levi and his SO squad. Her thin brow puckered; she was almost certain she was in the wrong party until members of her own advanced squad moved into position beside her.

Directly behind Levi, she leaned forward and said in jest: “Couldn’t let me do this on my own, could you?”

Levi clearly heard her, but he didn’t turn around to acknowledge her. In doing so he missed the wide, gentle smile she gave him. Honestly, he was just as surprised to have her on his team as she was. It felt unwise to him, but Erwin had his reasons.

Noticing the formation move forward, Levi nudged his horse and followed. The ride was intended to take several hours – to reach the checkpoint in Trost – then an additional two days until the Scouts made their last stop. He gripped the reins around his horse until the leather bit into his skin and followed the ones in front of him. Honestly, the ride to Trost was calm and boring; he wasn’t too bothered by this. He listened to his team converse with the medical team, and even grunted as Eren asked Camilla questions too personal to his liking.

But once the Scouts reached the gates in Trost, the real danger became evident. His squad and the medical team went into focus and as the doors came open, they burst free of the walls and ventured into Doll territory at high speed, tearing at the ground in their wake.

There were Dolls scattered here and there. Camilla saw the smoke from their torn bodies in the corner of her eyes as her horse dashed through. Smoke signals alerted them of the abnormal ones, but nothing serious became of them. It was an easy ride; one she was not thankful for. Something was odd about it, but she put her worries aside and followed Levi closely until they reached the first check point, hours without a single incident or death.

A man-made wooden fence surrounded the tree line outside the Forest Base, extending too far for Camilla to see. They came to a stop at the main gate for a brief moment to speak with a guard, then steered their horses inside. Large shacks connected by bridges hung in the trees above them. It wasn’t much, but to someone like her; someone who lived on the ground behind walls of stone, the Forest Base was a miraculous sight to see.

She tied up her horse and began moving supplies into the base. A pulley system made carting heavy loads from the ground into the trees easy, and by the time the Scouts were done, the darkness of night had settled over them. Camilla and a few members of her team sat in front of a controlled fire and ate their dinner.

“I wish it were this easy all the time,” Michella mentioned.

Camilla hummed. “Me too. I am grateful for this moment of peace, but it won’t last.”

“I know,” Michella uttered. She stirred her spoon around the bowl in her hand and sighed. “I never wanted to be a Scout; I was content living as an ignorant civilian behind the safety of the walls, ignoring the dangers of the outside world.”

She smiled gently at Camilla. “But the peace didn’t last. Once Shiganshina fell, homeless civilians flooded my hometown and food became harder to buy. We farmed the land, but one bad harvest set us back. People were starving and I had no choice but to do something in order to stay alive.”

“You joined up with the Scouts?”

Michella nodded in agreement. “I did. It was Brendon who coerced me into becoming a Scout. I had no experience in fighting, but I was a decent medic. He thought I’d do some good outside the walls; I wanted to take back what was rightfully ours, so no one would ever have to suffer again.”

“He was right,” Camilla mentioned. “You are a good medic. No one makes vice without some form of experience.”

She laughed, face turning red. “I have you to thank for that, somewhat. Captain Angert made me a vice once you left. He was your vice I heard.”

“He was,” Camilla confirmed.

She heard that Angert died some years back on the field. He was headstrong; a man who often jumped before thinking. Erna Neff – a medic and fellow graduate of hers – and he were close friends.

When he died, Erna blamed Camilla for abandoning them. She was right to be mad. It was because of her that he died; because she forced Angert to take the role of Captain when he wasn’t ready. Erna wrote her a letter explaining this and once she returned, meeting her eye to eye was not an easy task. In a way, Camilla was happy about this. She didn’t want Erna to forgive her; she wanted to earn back her trust.

If she could.

Camilla was exhausted. She knew that Michella meant no harm, but her past weighed heavy on her mind. It was not hard to ignore at times; the mistake that got her teammate killed. She said her good nights and returned to her tent, where a temporary bed was made for her. Lying down, she rested her eyes and listened to the Scouts converse until darkness found her.

Tomorrow came early and with it came misery.

#levi ackerman #attack on titan fanfiction #zombie alternate universe #snk #levi x oc

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loverontheleft · 4 years ago

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The Honeymoon Ones (13)

1.1k words -||- AU!B x Reader

Warnings: This is a short one and it’s more fluffy filler than anything else. I didn’t get half of what I wanted in here, but I’m trying to keep each chunk to a short word count. That’s my personal challenge to myself. So...yeah that’s your warning. It’s short and fluffy, if anything.

-||-

“Oh!” Nikos exclaims, watching in delight as you and Brendon make your way down the winding path from your villa to where he waits. “If it isn’t my most awkward turtle doves!” He beams at you both and you and Brendon exchange a confused look before turning back to him. He laughs. “Turtle doves. Birds of love and fidelity and devotion. But you,” and he points between the two of you, “are one of the most confusing couples I’ve ever had on my table. So,” he shrugs, “you are also awkward turtles.” He makes the gesture - one hand over the other, thumbs moving - and laughs. “My awkward turtle doves.”

You can’t help it - you’re cracking up laughing, and Brendon grins at you, laughing with you. Nikos smiles.

“I am delighted to see my remarks did not offend. It was not my intention of course,” he says with a look towards Brendon, who shakes his head as if to dispel this concern. “You are a very sweet couple. I am honored to escort you around my home and show off its many wonders.”

You wipe the tears of laughter from your eyes and, clinging to Brendon’s hand, follow Nikos as he beckons you away from the resort property and towards a waiting convertible.

“That,” you murmur to Brendon, “is a gorgeous car.” He nods appreciatively as you both take in the classic convertible in front of you.

“And,” he replies as he opens the passenger-side door for you, “it’s a bench seat. Which means we can both sit up front.”

“Yes,” Nikos says pleasantly. “I do not enjoy separating couples with one up front and one behind, and sometimes they feel awkward if both sit in the back. I seem to be their chauffeur.” He grins as Brendon settles beside you. “I must give you the disclaimer that the airbags are not as effective.”

You and Brendon exchange a look. He turns to Nikos. “You’re a good driver?” Nikos nods. “You’ve lived here a while - driven here for a while, I mean?”

“I learned to drive on these streets,” Nikos tells you both. You shrug, saying that that’s good enough for you. Brendon nods as well and with that, you’re off.

-||-

“I wanted to start by showing you - well - it’s not very popular, but it’s a very nice location.” Nikos pauses to gauge your reaction.

“Why isn’t it popular?” You’re the one to ask. He shrugs a little.

“You have to do a fair bit of walking to get to it. There used to be a fort out there, but it collapsed. Interesting ruins if you are intrigued by that. Though if you keep going, there’s a nice church and - truly- the real reason to go...the view.” Nikos sighs contentedly as he sits back in his seat at the thought. “It is the best place to see the whole island. A complete panoramic view. Stunning.”

You turn to Brendon. “Should we do that at sunset then?”

Brendon shakes his head. “No, I have something else planned for that.” He exchanges a look with Nikos who grins. “And we probably don’t want to go night-hiking.” He laughs a little and you nod, resting your head on his shoulder. “You interested though?”

“Definitely,” you say. “Best place to see the whole island? Panoramic views? I’m sold.”

Nikos cheers a little and the car accelerates. “We will be there shortly. I will get as close as possible, but there will definitely be some walking.”

-||-

“Welcome to Skaros Rock. Now,” Nikos instructs, “just follow the path. And when in doubt, head toward the ocean.”

Brendon looks at him. “That sounds like you’re not coming with us.” You waver in your head. On the one hand...alone time. On the other, hiking in an unknown spot.

“I would not want to intrude on your time with your erasti.” Nikos smiles. “It is an easy, if long, walk. You do not need my presence to be successful with the walk nor, I think, with your love.” He winks at Brendon, who blushes a bit to your delight.

“Love the confidence,” you tell Nikos with a broad smile. “Come along Bunny. Hop hop. Sights to see and places to be!” You join your hands together and set off at a reasonable pace.

You’ve been walking for a while, swinging your hands back and forth, when the trail seems to end and the horizon looms in front of you. “Oh wow-“ you murmur, clutching his hand. “That’s -“ you’re both silent and Brendon nods, squeezing your hand back.

“It’s incredible,” he agrees. You reposition yourself to recline against his chest and his arms wrap around your waist. “We could get closer - if you wanted,” Brendon suggests, ducking his head down to whisper this in your ear. “Or,” he continues, “we could stay right here like this for a bit longer and then head back.”

You twist a little to look at him. “Do you have a preference?” He shrugs, squeezing you gently. “I don’t mine either way. Let’s - go a bit closer.”

Brendon nods and together, you make your way to the edge. “Oh, I can’t look down,” you say with a laugh. “Don’t - nope, I gotta back up.” Brendon looks concerned and you shake your head, telling him you’re fine. “I just can’t - that was cool but - I’m good,” you say, still laughing nervously.

“You want to head back?” Brendon asks and you nod, letting him lead you back down the path. “Your feet doing okay?” He asks the question about fifteen minutes into your walk back.

“Uh - they’re a little sore,” you admit. “But I’ll be okay.” Brendon scoffs and brings you both to a halt. Before you know what he’s doing, he’s crouched in front of you and looking back at you expectantly.

“Well?” He asks with a grin. “Hop up.” You hesitate and he groans. “Y/n, don’t make me beg. Hop up.”

You oblige and squeal a little when he grips your calves to pull you snug against him. “Remember when we did this in Disney?” You say with a giggle.

“Of course,” Brendon replies, rubbing his thumbs over your ankles. “Your feet were so sore and we still had so much time left in the park. I wasn’t going to let you wimp out and go back to the resort.”

“So you carried me,” you sigh happily, nestling your head onto his shoulder and letting your arms dangle down over his chest. He nods, turning his head a little to kiss your arm.

“So I carried you,” he confirms. You can hear the smile in his voice. “I like taking care of you.”

#brendon urie #my work #brendon urie imagine #fanfic #brendon x reader #imagine #work in progress #the honeymoon ones #brendon urie fluff?

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sevengraces · 4 years ago

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Humanity’s Ongoing Need To Fuck Up

Hello! This is my first published fanfic so enjoy!

Sanders Sides, Virgil Centric, Angst,

TW: panic attacks, swearing, self hate

Here is a Link to it on AO3.

Virgil hadn’t really known how on edge Roman was. Like he knew the guy hated him, and could he blame him for it?

He just hadn’t known Roman was having a hard time, I mean Virgil had known he wasn't doing good, but when was he ever?

Virgil had just been sitting on the farthest part of the couch from Logan, who had been there reading when he got there. Virgil definitely wasn’t planning on a conversation, he was just going to listen to his music in the commons so he could chill out a bit. Patton was with Thomas, so there wasn’t any talking. Of course that hadn’t been able to last.

Roman had bounced onto the commons, waxing lyrical about some boy they had seen at the grocery store, going on and on.

“He was so beautiful, like he could’ve snapped Thomas in half! But he wouldn’t of course.” Roman had announced.

This was where Virgil had made the momentous mistake of scoffing at Roman’s tirade.

“What Unbearable Snowman?” Roman had snapped.

Virgil had immediately regretted inserting himself into the conversation. Roman wasn’t talking to him, he was talking to Logan who:

Wasn’t listening and

Wouldn’t defend him.

He definitely wanted to flee, but he’d never live it down if he did. So Virgil shored up his defenses and hoped to get out unscathed.

“Didn’t say anything Charming.” he hoped that sounded sarcastic.

At this point Logan added, “Correct Anxiety you did not say anything but I believe Roman was referring to your derisive snort.”

“Thank you Point Dexter, although I could have said that.” Roman tacked on; “So, Peter Panic, what’s so funny?”

Virgil hunched in more on the couch, suddenly entirely too grateful for his hoodie. “Oh nothing Princey, I only thought you had better things to do than daydream uselessly about a dude you know Thomas isn’t going to talk to.” he rolled his eyes hoping to end the conversation by putting his earbuds back in.

Before he got the chance Roman dove for his earbuds and snatched them away, “Nope you don’t get to pick a fight then leave. Why do you think Thomas won’t talk to him? Is it because you won’t let him do anything fun?”

Virgil glanced at Logan, who merely raised his eyebrow, Virgil stood up and glared at Roman. “Okay Creativity, fine. I wanted to leave but whatever. One, those aren’t yours and I am sure Morality would love to know why you’re stealing and Two, I didn’t realize the only fun things were things that could hurt Thomas? Hmm? Sure, sure throw a fit because Anxiety won’t let you talk to every random stranger you trip over, but Thomas doesn’t have to risk disaster to enjoy himself.”

Roman laughed full bodied, “Real brave of you Anxiety, hiding behind Patton. Not everything is a disaster Panic at the Everywhere.”

Virgil made a grab for his headphones, already feeling the walls closing in. “Yeah Roman real smart, who said I was brave? Was it you? ‘Cause I know what I am Creativity, do you?”

Roman reeled back, “I-- I know what I am, you said it yourself, Prince Roman Creativity.”

Logan looked between the two of them, feeling like he was missing something.

Virgil struggled to hyperventilate quietly, “Hey asshole I don’t care about your identity crisis, I just want my earbuds back so you and Tall Dark And Judgmental can get back to your superiority complex.” He had begun tapping his fingers against his knee, that might have been too far. He knew Roman was insecure and unsure of himself, he also knew Logan hadn’t really done anything to him. But his panic had known that too and fight or flight didn’t usually care about feelings.

Roman sputtered a moment too long, still not returning the earbuds, so Logan cut in. “Anxiety I do not understand, why are you upset? Is this not how you and Roman usually interact?” Logan had risen to his feet along with Roman, who had finally found his voice.

“Know It All is right, why are you being more of a jerk than usual Brendon Fury?”

Virgil had begun feeling far more trapped as the conversation continued and breathing wasn’t getting any easier. He huffed, “Yeah, whatever. Is that how it is? Mr Right gets to kick me around for an ego boost but once I reply I’m the asshole? I don’t care, just give me back my stuff so I can leave.”

Roman snapped his mouth shut, then replied, “Why should I? You started it then got pissy when I proved you wrong. Thomas doesn’t get nice things because of you so why should you get nice things?”

It hit Virgil like a train, he was right. Roman hadn’t been doing anything to hurt Thomas and Virgil did get pissy for no real reason.

His panic was no longer hide-able at this realization.

Virgil’s breathing became great gasps and sharp inhales and his vision swam.

Logan figured out that Anxiety may have been feeling anxious and cornered when his breathing became audible.

He went to reach out and steady Virgil, maybe tap a rhythm on his shoulder to help control his breathing when Anxiety rocketed back, flipping backwards over the couch.

Virgil didn’t know what was happening, only that they were mad, so, so very mad at him, and that Logan was moving towards him. He reacted without thinking, flinging himself over the couch and landing with a thud against the wall.

Roman and Logan looked at each other, a silent “What the hell?” in their eyes. Roman took a step forward and looked at Virgil over the couch.

“Anxiety? Are you okay?” he asked.

Virgil whimpered and stuffed himself as far into the corner as he could at the sound of his voice.

Roman stared wide eyed before looking at Logan for guidance.

Logan gestured him back, then he crouched and crawled to where he was situated at the end of the couch and he was in line of sight of the panicking side.

Virgil had his back against the wall and his side pressed into the couch. His head was leaning against his knees and he sat in the fetal position.

Roman had moved back towards the stairs to give them plenty of space. He briefly considered getting Patton, after all he would be able to help, but decided it would be better to let Logan help instead.

Virgil had just realized how futile his effort to be a normal being was. This wasn’t the most pressing thing on his mind, he was also thinking about how much he had fucked up everyone's day.

See, he could multitask.

He eventually focused on soft counting. That didn’t normally happen when he did this, usually he just cried and choked until he passed out.

And at some point Virgil’s panic subsided enough for him to breathe and think properly, well maybe not think properly but well enough.

Unfortunately this comes with the newfound awareness that he had just freaked the fuck out in front of Logan and Roman.

“Shit,” was the first thing he said post panic. The second thing he said was an attempt at “Later,” however this was very skillfully prevented by Logan's unbearable need to be listened to.

“Anxiety? Are you okay?” Logan asked, leaning forward a little too close.

“Yup, all good, so I am going to leave.” Virgil managed before he again attempted to sink out.

“Of course not Anxiety!” Roman shouted, rushing towards the both of them. “You’ve just, I don’t know, had something very bad happen to you! We can’t leave you alone.” Roman grabbed Virgil’s arm.

Virgil yanked his arm out of his grip, wishing more than anything that he was strong enough to scare the shit out of them so he could leave. “No Creativity, fuck off.”

Roman shrank back, startled and unable to reconcile the whimpering side with the outraged one in front of him.

Logan cleared his throat, “While I wouldn’t advise touching him immediately, we can not in good conscience leave you to your mind after a panic attack Anxiety.”

“I’m not asking you to leave, I’m asking you to let me leave. Figured you’d be able to tell by my repeated attempt to leave.” Virgil was now distracted from his lingering panic by annoyance.

“Apologies if I had been unclear in my previous statement Anxiety, we do not intend to let you suffer alone after a panic attack.” Logan corrected.

Roman nodded, desperate to somehow fix what he hadn’t known needed fixing.

Virgil laughed, “Okay you don’t ‘intend’ to let me suffer?”

“Yes…?” Roman and Logan said.

Virgil laughed again, “Well, let me ask you this what have you been calling me this entire time?” He leveled them both with a glare and raised his eyebrow, which was only made slightly less imposing with him leaning against the couch.

“Well, we’ve been calling you by your name?” Roman asked, having no idea where this was going.

“No, what is the word you both have used in reference to me for as long as you can remember? This isn’t a trick question Logic, just indulge me?” Virgil voice dripped with venom.

Logan looked at Roman questioningly before replying, “I assume you aren’t referring to Roman’s constant insistence to give you nicknames, so-”

“Insults Logic, not nicknames but you are on the right track.” Virgil cut in with a falsely reassuring smile.

“I assume you mean your title Anxiety.” Logan said, a little frustrated at being interrupted.

Virgil clapped, “Good job you two, finally got there. Yes, you both have been calling me by my title ‘Anxiety’. Do you know what that means?”

Logan and Roman stayed silent, baffled.

“Wow, didn’t think I’d have to spell this out.” Virgil said in a falsely put upon voice. “It means that you don’t know my name, only my title. Which,” he breathed before continuing in a sing-song voice, “means that you don’t get to pretend that we are friends.”

Logan stared at him with wide eyes before looking down, ashamed.

Roman stood silently before replying, “But you, you didn’t ever tell anyone your name! That's not, That’s not our fault!”

Logan finally found his voice and went to respond before Virgil once again cut him off with a cruel smile. “Oh Princey, poor thing is it not your fault? I mean you know Logic and Morality so well, why wouldn’t we all know each other’s name?” Virgil stuffed his hands in his pocket, hiding his shaking fingers. “Tell me Creativity, Logic, why don’t you know my name?”

The creative trait stared at Anxiety, not entirely sure what he was supposed to say and not entirely sure how they got here.

Logan once again went to answer, but Virgil had other plans in mind. “No I want both of you Light Sides to tell me exactly why I wouldn’t tell you my name if my life depended on it.”

Logan flinched and remained silent.

Roman opened his mouth and hesitated, then said “I.. I don’t know why.”

Virgil sneered and gestured at Logan, “Your turn genius, tell pretty boy here why no one knows my name.”

The logical side quietly stated, “We don’t know Anxiety by anything other than his title because we have not treated him with enough kindness that he would be inclined to trust us.”

Once again Virgil clapped in a bitter caricature of praise, “Got it in one Logic. So tell me Creativity, why do either of you have the right to care about me now that you’ve seen something that makes you feel guilty?”

No one replied and Virgil huffed before grabbing his earbuds from where Roman had dropped them.

“C’ya at the next crisis.” and Virgil left with a salute.

#sanders sides #thomas sanders #thomas sanders virgil #thomas sanders roman #thomas sanders logan #fanfiction #reblog #sorry for this #angsty ending

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