#breaking this down made me really put a lot of understanding to things tbh

[dxxtruction]

I do wish there was a bit more good faith discussion to talk about the phenomenology of IWTV vampires as vampires and how being a vampire does affect one's conscious understanding of their own world. It's a drastic point of view shift from being human.

Things such as:

Their baseline for the violence needed to survive starts at drinking blood to live, and most beneficially by killing humans. Which they also once were. It can really only go up from there.

Not getting blood in the beneficial way can be likened to an eating disorder based on being hung up on the morality of your own survival.

Escalation to inhuman levels of violence is something that's comprehensible to think of, since it's possible to do to someone else, or yourself, and to some minds it's hardly of any consequence or difference.

Question of what to do with one's immortality when stuck in this necessitation for violence. Occupying all that time. Confronting vampiric existentialism. Doing what one can to not be driven mad or disparaging by it.

In living forever all such violence risks becoming inconsequential to the conscious mind in how you outlive all of its importance. If not because of death taking it, then because time will simply weather it away. For the same reasons most things can end up carrying very little significance. Making one increasingly apathetic or nihilistic.

Because of above, enacting laws with consequence, even of death, naturally leads to some not really caring about them. Making them more useful as a means of power, threat, or as a way of committing suicide, than as something morally binding. If used in moral ways at all.

Those who survive the longest have to necessarily take on being okay with a level of violence that is incomprehensible to human scales. Necessitating that often the most violent, or accepting of violence, tend to become those who withstand the test of time.

Those fitting into this category extends fairly naturally towards walks of those accepting of or that act out other forms of immorality, dehumanization, and antisocial behaviors.

Your community is small and made up of violent killers. Developing paranoia or hostility towards violent killers is self preservation. You are also a violent killer, and take any hostility towards your person as an offense or threat. Without some kind of love, compassion, or trust in the mix, your community would quickly destroy itself.

Because of above vampires enter to greater degrees unfulfilling, pragmatic, or socially contractual relations with others they may dislike, or be indifferent to, and often might resolve interpersonal issues with fake shows of affection or remorse.

If you do happen to find a real relationship, the violence you enact out in order to survive can't ever enter into that relationship, without it becoming abusive. But the lines between those two can blur easily when you consider again how nurtured one has to be into violence to begin with.

Survival instincts look different based on their background for survival. And surviving as a vampire takes on different concerns for safety and endurance. How you survived being human is how you'd think to survive as a vampire, and those who had very little to survive through would lack a level of survival skills necessary to take on this kind of life.

Once you've seen a bunch of how this life is going to be you tend to take on a level of 'this is just how things are'. Since they can't place themselves in time, they can't place themselves properly in a forward progression. Those who last tend to develop a superiority on how to last through this the right way, or make judgments on who will or should be allowed to.

To make a vampire at all you have to actually decide on this last statement that there is anyone deserving of this life, and that it's a life one deserves.

You are stuck always in the bodily age of when you died. General feelings of stuckness are encompassing, as you're bound by your immortality, and often can only survive through those who are in it with you. Anyone and anything you knew in mortal life will be gone one day, and what you're left with are only those of your own kind.

In having such a substantially focused relationship to violence. One has to always make a hyper-conscious effort not to be violent, for the wrong reasons. Or just simply have a good conscience about such things. (some combination of the two)

One's life and culture as a human bleeds into who they are as a vampire. Even in rejecting humanity completely, they carry those ideas and understandings around with them. Including prejudices, ideologies, and sensibilities. Vampires lack a distinctly separate culture from that of humans, and instead live alongside it at perpetual outsiders. Only loosely being effected by it, and able to choose removing oneself entirely if they're white, or otherwise not subject to prejudice based on appearance. Vampiric alienation and loneliness is perhaps fairly common, and at a certain point this outside position lends indifference about the human condition and whats happening in the world.

Due to this, certain cultural shifts might take far longer to ever reach vampires, than it would in our naturally generative, and transformative human society.

Due to this as well though certain human hold ups about things such as homosexuality aren't very present in vampires.

The more vampiric you are the more it puts you into the throes of violence, while falling back into your humanity puts you at face with the qualms of your own morality.

Vampires have to find some way of justifying this existence has true worth to it despite such violence, and what it's done to their life, or simply abandon all sense of such morality, or care. Otherwise this fact of violence, and reminders of it, drive them to the flames or otherwise an all consuming resentment of all this.

The only ways you can die is suicide and being killed.

In trying to bring greater meaning to your violence you end up making a spectacle about it. Which fosters a manner of self importance, and egotism, about being violent. Or equally making it into a performance or ritualism.

BDSM is arguably a great way to contend with the fact you are violent, or can be subject to violence, in a controlled and consensual setting. It can be almost therapeutic, like taking power back from all the violence you can't control.

These sorts of things are interesting to think on when you don't have someone else making it apologia for abuse and egregious acts of violence. Because while they are violent by nature, they don't lack a consciousness about it. They have minds which can actively choose not to be violent, choose different paths to violence, etc. They're able to make decisions, and regret those decisions. And also, just like anyone in community with others, or in respect to themselves, have good reason not to be. They may possess inhuman abilities and understandings, but they don't possess inhuman feelings and are capable of being physically, emotionally, and mentally harmed or harmful.

And actually, given the fact they can take this to vampiric scales, is by scale, worse, not somehow made diminished by fact one can come easily to a conscious idea nothing has any real consequences when confronting one's own immortality. This inconsequentialness is a lacking and false understanding of immortality anyway.

Immortality can equally be about a constant uplifting of the present and future into something better, confronting their own impact on the world and those in it to generate some new way of living as a vampire, as opposed to stagnation, or depravity into cycles, and pits, of unnecessary and avoidable violence. Or just inevitable boredom.

A lot of those within this vampiric culture, don't necessarily foster well a society dedicated toward being as non-violent as possible. (I account for all forms of necessary violence, like self defense, as being non-violent.) Some might even find such an idea they could move in the direction of non-violence to be self hating. But the very fact they can be non-violent, choose that, and separate that for compassion, and love, and righteousness means their consequences and morality do end up mattering necessarily. If there's choice in that there's a way to effect things. An upstanding vampire, who's not just surviving through this, would have to dedicate themselves to consequences and morality as a good in itself, I'd think, to do right by others and themselves. To not give in to evil/violence as their only true condition. And somehow synthesize that information with how they can never be moral by a humanist standard, but those such standards are by nature more moral than their own. They can't fall into vampiric exceptionalism, but do have to accept the fact of themselves as vampires has special other conditions to it.

[hanjisungslag]

hiiii!! so sorryyy idk if you take requests BUTT could you do headcannons of being in an argument with the aot characters?

🗣️ aot characters & arguments

characters involved: eren, armin, mikasa, connie, jean, sasha, reiner, annie, bertolt, erwin, levi & hange

notes: i do take requests indeed!! :3 i luv angst, i hope this is gd♡

✧ eren jaeger - 

okay, when you guys argue it’s honestly more cute than anything because you’re both so protective of one another. neither of you wanted each other to join the scouts because it was so dangerous but, you both joined anyways obviously. oh my god, you guys non-stop bicker when there’s a mission! and don’t even get me started if you get put into different teams😭 you start TWEAKINGG. after he finds out he’s the attack titan, oh it gets 10x worse. his absolute biggest fear is losing control and hurting you - he’s already so conflicted, confused & felt like an outcast. he definitely lashes out more and becomes snappier than usual but, it does come from a place of sincerity.

when this happens, you just leave it be. as soon as it’s not just bickering anymore, when a voice is raised or an insult is made, you just leave it. you understand he’s going through a lot and just needs a minute but, TRUST ME! when you walk off, you make sure it is known that your feelings are hurt.

“i said no! you are not being on my team! im going with the levi squad, thats final.”

✧ armin arlert -

you both love each other very much but, goddamn you’re both so up your own arses! you are the ‘smart couple’ you are both strategic and witty and have your own way you go about things. so, when it comes to deciding whose plan is better, you always think yours is better and admin thinks his is better. this has (and probably always will be) the main root of your arguments, tbh. nobody likes to get involved either because if someone picks a side then even more havoc will break lose. the only people who’ve ever come between you two is: mikasa, levi & erwin.

it’s just like a debate, you know the ones on jubilee where it’s just people speaking over each other with different facts and sources? literally you two. you both would keep going until the end of time if you didn’t need to sleep, eat and drink water. it’s never that serious at the end of the day, you both love each other and i GUESS you can appreciate each others plans albeit you both think yours is better.

“if you actually listen to me when i say, my layout is better! look at how easy it is to manoeuvre from the castle to the forest!”

✧ mikasa ackerman -

wash the damn scarf. that is all you ask of her. she has literally never washed it and you love but jesus christ, stink LINGERS. not only do you think it’s weird she doesn’t wash it but, it’s also from eren… now, you know mikasa’s lore, of course. however, it’s really hard to get over your girlfriend having this deep love for this smelly scarf that her ex-crush gave to her after he literally saved her from being kidnapped. at first, you try to ignore it but it gets to a point where you sit down and talk to her but, she is not having it. she clearly cares very, very deeply for this scarf and will defend it. it’s really awkward conversation that slowly turns into raised voices and some opinionated things being raised.

“why are you getting jealous over a scarf? that’s so stupid! i just have fond memories with it!”

✧ connie springer -

again, not so much major arguments but just bickers. it usually starts as a joke but slowly but surely divulges into an argument about something stupid. one time, someone ate the last of jean’s meal that his mum made for him and he saved until today, obviously he was super upset and jokingly you blamed connie. at first, all was well, laughs were being heard and he even poked fun at you but, somewhere along the way it became more serious for you two, you genuinely suspected connie of eating jean’s meal and connie was getting visibly more upset.

“that was so not me! why are you telling them that?! i didn’t eat it, y/n!”

jean regretted asking who ate his food.

✧ jean kirstein -

jean is unfortunately a jealous guy. not for any malicious reasons, he’s just a bit insecure gang! he’s more scared that you’ll leave him for someone ‘better’ more than anything but, these feelings of insecurity manifest as jealously. he’d get jealous over you spending time with people like eren, mikasa or armin. in so many aspects, they’re better than him (in his eyes) and this will just make him reallyyy pissy. being in an argument with jean is painstakingly ambiguous like he never straight up says it, it’s always sly remarks or dry responses from him for a while. eventually, you know something is up and question him but he will avoid answering like the plague and it’s just so, so frustrating! eventually, when you break your calm demeanour, he will also break his ‘nonchalant-ness’ and just shout about how he feels.

he crossed his arms, “i just don’t understand why you need to be around him so much, you have me?”

✧ sasha braus -

absolutely nothing. i’m sorry but, she is too sweet and loving. IM SORRY, i’m sorry… i tried so hard to think of something but this queen is too perfect. at most, she would snap at you in high stress situations but she would never turn it into an argument. for example, if you told her to slow down her eating because you’re going on a mission but, she hasn’t eaten much that day she may snap and tell you to “let her do what she wants” but, she’s sooo quick to recover and apologise. literally not even giving you a second to even think about arguing with her!!

“ah, i’m sorry. you’re right, i don’t wanna be sick while flying through the air, huh?” she pouts.

✧ reiner braun -

you’re both from marley, you know damn well what you’re doing here but it seems reiner is straying off path. you’re there to try and remind him why you’re there and this leads to so many arguments. his split personality also plays a role in the arguments because it’s so.. scary and confusing for you because one moment he’s defending eldians than the next, he’s shouting at you about how he ‘knows the plan’.

when talking about stuff like this, since it’s extra sensitive for reiner he definitely flips out. i’m talking shouting, angry grunting, clenching his fists into balls and holding them against his forehead so he doesn’t fully crash tf out. he’s just as confused and scared as you are about his split personality but, he doesn’t want to seem weak or to seem like he’s losing sight of what is ‘right’ - it gets him really worked up. obviously, you stand your ground against him, he doesn’t scare you when you’re arguing. you’ve known him for so long.. you feel like he just needs to be guided.

“when did i ever say i liked them? yes, they’re okay people to be around for now but— no, i never said that! i know what they are, you don’t remind to tell me, y/n!”

✧ annie leonhart -

just the fact she’s cold and distant, it makes it really hard to actually have a relationship with her. at first, she was closed off COMPLETELY but cracks began to show and eventually, you thought you were at a good point with each other but, you kind of realised you didn’t know that much about annie. you try to ask questions to get her to open up but, she is one tough egg to crack so eventually, you just ask! hoping to help her more than anything but, this leads to an argument…

after this first argument, it became pretty regular like once every few weeks this would happen. you get super frustrated because she acts like she doesn’t even care! so, you’re shouting and getting really passionate while she sits there, looking pissed off and bored, rolling her eyes and scoffing. she doesn’t see the need to open up to you, she’s done what she thinks is ‘enough’ in her books.

“what do you want me to say? i’m not an open book, that’s just how i am. we’re all gonna end up dead, anyways.”

✧ bertolt hoover -

sigh… oh bert. every time you feel yourself developing further into your relationship with bert, his friends seem to pull him back. you’re still not quite sure why and they always seem to be giving side eyes or glances when he talks about his life - its starting to piss you off, rightfully so. you feel like he’s got two other side hoes watching yours and his every move! you being this up in subtle ways as to not seem like a crazy, jealous partner but eventually you burst and tell him how you really feel.

arguing with sweet bert isn’t fun because you can tell he tries so hard to please everyone in the situation, whether it’s you, him or now in this case, his friends too. he will raise his voice but, not in a bad way just in a general sense, things are getting heated, his voice will raise and he will fling his arms and hands. he’s a very expressive man when arguing because he is so passionate about it.

“y/n, they’re my friends! they’re just trying to protect me, why are you jealous?”

✧ erwin smith -

there’s so such things as arguments in your relationship, erwin likes to call them ‘mutual disagreements’ as your both in the scouts, he knows your time is limited. it���s a morbid and pessimistic way to think but, you have to be realistic when you live such a deadly lifestyle. he doesn’t want to take your time together for granted - plus, he’s a MAN like, he is calm and collected and will always hear you out.

you both start off calm, having a mature conversation about whatever it is that is bothering you but, when you start getting rowdier that’s when erwin quells the flames quickly. he takes a deep breath, hears you out and calmly walks you through it all. he’s so compassionate about it, i cant omg. he’ll gently place a hand over your own hand or on your shoulder if you’re standing, letting you know he’s present, he’ll sweetly talk you down, eventually calming you down and usually you’ll both say apologises or just general sweet statements and move on!

“i’m sorry, y/n. no, i’m glad you talked to me about this.”

✧ levi ackerman -

oh lord, being in an argument with levi ackerman is nawwtt fun. i’m sorry but, i’d kms if i argued with levi 😭. this man has such an awful resting bitch face as it is but, imagine his face when he’s arguing with you? IF LOOKS COULD KILL. he cant hide his emotions, so when you’re arguing even if he’s trying to be somewhat nice, his face says it all. usually he’ll roll his eyes and scoff if it’s something minor, he’ll hear you out, maybe give a half arsed apology or some sort of nice gesture to make sure you’re not upset however, if it’s a big issue oh brother…

silent treatment, i fear. he is so bad at communicating his feels correctly and often feels confused because this mf ain’t been in love before?! it gets too a point where he’s so mad, he just cant even begin to think of anything to say to you. you’ll be there raising your voice, becoming so passionate and when you ask what he thinks, he’ll say “i have nothing to say.” then boom, silent treatment. however, he’s bad with his words… but good with his actions. he still wants you to know he cares, you two could be in the most rancid moods but, you’ll go to your room and find your clothes ironed and folded🥲.

✧ hange zoë -

oh my sweet hange, my probably neurological challenged sweet hange… an argument with them would definitely stem from them spending more time with titans than you. when sawney and bean were around, you weren’t getting ANY time of day with them, trust. at first, you didn’t want to say anything because of course, you understand! the lifetime you guys are living in, things like hange’s research is soo important but, you can’t help but feel neglected sometimes.

when you finally bring it up, an argument ensues. neither of you really shout or anything, it’s just that kind of weird sort of raised, high pitched voice people get when you’re really frustrated. you both stay relatively calm for the situation you’re in but, you can totally tell you’re both so frustrated because hange just doesn’t see the problem. when you guys argue like this, it usually just goes in circles and after a while you both decide to mutually give up and leave it for another day.

“it’s all for science and the greater good of humanity though, i don’t understand?”

[lillotte17]

This might be kinda stream of consciousness but I am deep in hyperfixation mode and I yammered on for like 2 hours to unsuspecting victims friends who hadn't played the game and surprisingly made myself feed kind of better about The Varric Thing in the process, so I want to see if I can get it down coherently somewhere...

I am still disappointed that they killed him the way that they did. Let's just get that out of the way. I don't think it was a satisfying ending for his character. Not to mention Epler coming out and admitting verbatim that I was correct in my earlier assumption that they literally only chose to kill him to make people hate Solas. So, you know, trying to get me to hate my favorite character by making him kill one of my other favorite characters. Thanks. Real two for one special as a fan.

But anyway, Varric is dead. And Solas uses his visage to talk to Rook outside of his Time Out Box, which Epler says (with what seems to be a typical lack of insight) that Solas does this to 'keep Rook off balance, but the Fade had other ideas.' (paraphrasing) ...Right. Solas didn't know how the Fade would react to his mind magic. SOLAS. Didn't understand how the FADE works. Inside the LIGHTHOUSE. You know, the part of the Fade HE BUILT.

*rolls eyes so hard I can see Andraste*

I wish we got more information about the limitations of what Solas can actually do with this power, and how it actually works. There wasn't really a point in the game where it made sense to explain it to us, but... Yeah. The best I can tell, I think the Varric we see is mostly Rook's memory of him, and what they expect to see and hear from Varric. He's a wish. Of course Solas' memory of Varric is in there too, and he is also controlling the dialogue that happens. Solas was (and in some ways still is) a spirit, and he reflects what people expect to see in him, and this seems to continue even as he's masquerading as someone else. His version of Varric is almost Too Nice, tbh. He does not Bitch nearly enough. And I think that's because it's just...not what Rook wants or needs to hear. Solas is being Your Good Friend Varric, who never gets mad, and always wants to listen to you, so you will trust him and Tell Him Things.

Which, the knee-jerk reaction to this (as intended) is: That's Fucked Up!

And...yeah. It is.

But then I started thinking about what Solas COULD have been doing with this power. He actually tells us in the game that he has done this to people before. He spent 12 years fucking with a warlord's head so that he heard nothing but laughter. The first time I heard that, I was thinking like...a whisper campaign spreading embarrassing stories, but if you listen to how he phrases the explanation, he says that literally EVERY sound he heard became laughter. That is mind manipulation babeyyy! He is a Dreamer! He can murder people in their sleep and make them see anything he wants them to see in the Fade. You know, where Rook and Co. are living. He clearly has restrictions on this power from being in his Time Out Box, but his connection to Rook is WAY stronger than he acts like it is.

If you can make someone see things that aren't there, you can pretty much manipulate them into doing anything. You can terrorize them with their worst fears. You can isolate them by making it seem like their friends and love ones hate them. Heck, you can just make sounds and lights that interrupt their sleep constantly, and that alone will eventually break someone's mind.

Solas needs Rook to bust him out of jail. He also needs them to Not Die, so that they CAN bust him out of jail. He knows Rook will not take his support (or even most of his advice) as the Dread Wolf. So, he puts on a Varric mask, and becomes their friend. Which seems like it must take a lot of concentration and power on his end. He has Varric take a lot of sudden naps. But still. He is their friend, their mentor, the kind voice who always tells Rook that they are capable and the right person for the job. I wish the game had leaned into this more, actually. That Rook could REALLY lean on Varric in times of distress, and Varric would talk them down, so when you got to the end you're not just mad that you got tricked, but you are ALSO sitting with the fact that like...the only reason Rook was keeping their shit together was because SOLAS took up Varric's mantle as your guide and your emotional support.

That you had to deal with the fact that Solas is both Fen'Harel the God of Lies, AND the voice of kindness and Wisdom guiding you through your perils.

Because THAT is Good Soup. THAT is the moral grey goodness that so much of the game sanitized. Because the idea that Solas did something Fucked Up, but it's also the only reason you won, is kind of his Whole Deal. That's the WHOLE POINT. That he is Wisdom AND Pride. He's a loyal friend AND a lying liar who lies. That the healer has the bloodiest hands, and sometimes the only way to save the world is by being kind of an asshole.

And I don't really feel like there is a place for Rook to really come to that realization. Which is disappointing. And possibly intentional. Ugh.

[manic-sapphic]

sooo wrong hordak

i often see lots about him being a pointless character who could open doors at the time and ended up along for the ride - and don't get me wrong -

they needed to be opening some doors forsure.

but i see more to him than that. it's even in his (lack of a) name. so much mirroring in this show done in the traditional flip across the vertical axis, but to me, i see wrong hordak as kinda swapping across the horizontal. you take the concept of hordak, and flip it upside down. maybe it's even a funhouse mirror or some shit, cause idk, but i can kiiiinda see it.

dude's been exposed to sooo many things hordak never was, and soo sooo quickly, too.

-cut off from the hive mind --goofy ass etherians in bright fun fckin clothing treating him as one of them for no goddamn reason ---being fed undeniable proof from prime's own logs that he's been lied to ----wanting to bring him down -----realizing he's already w the people he needs to be with to try n do that

how quick, how simple the turn around is for wrong hordak reads to me as something of significance. there's so much in this show that challenges indoctrinated thought - which exists in many forms, but i can't help seeing wrong hordak as a juxtaposition to hordak by employing what seem like such simple, laughable differences in their experience of being separated from horde prime, in order to show how little it sometimes takes to really pull back the curtain for someone so they suddenly see what they couldn't before, vs how long it can take for someone to even get a glimpse of it when that curtain never moves, unless they find a way to move it on their own.

hordak can thank entrapta for that one. and tbh this is just one of a few posts i've been making cause i felt like i wanted to say some of it before i made the post i really wanna about hordak and entrapta, but esp hordak, tbh. dude's been doin the big bad thing, but in all honesty, he's been playing a part as much as anyone else you could accuse that of; knowing nothing else; a perpetuated cycle, if you will.

dude wanted to break it. "there was even a time you wished i would not come for you..." but ended up pulled right back in. luckily, prime was dumb enough to put the person he had to have known brought hordak to that feeling- right in front of him. resulting in nothing more than prime issuing hordak the last command he ever would.

cause he ain't your brother, bitch. he's more than that.

and you don't understand what makes them strong. but hordak finally did. and he won't let it go.

<3

[cfr749]

Initial Thoughts on Chenford in 6x07

All right... I'm feeling... a lot at the moment, so just sharing my initial reactions before seeing anyone else's. I'm sure my feelings will evolve. Also this turned into a GD essay and I'm sorry.

The Good

Grey acknowledging that Lucy was going through a lot ABOVE & BEYOND the break up. I just wish he'd mentioned the shooting, too. Lucy deserves to be more than her relationship with Tim and I need to actually see that in the future.

Lucy laying out 2 key things in her conversation with Grey - how easily Tim walked away and that he had no right to make that decision for her

Prior to the last scene (see The Ugly below), I thought Tim's interactions with the therapist were reasonably well done; if only therapy was that easy in real life lol

"You've always got a home with me" - I loved this final scene between Lucy and Tamara. I don't really have feelings either way about Tamara at this point, and this still hit me right in the heart.

Smitty's poll made me laugh, but also another solid indicator that these writers / producers do in fact really enjoy laughing at the expense of the fandom and shippers (which, whatever, I don't care that they do, I'd prob do the same; but it does irk me when people act like these writers should be worshipped because of all the things they "give" us)

The Tim

"I'm not depressed. I broke up with her."

"I was her TO." Not her friend, cuz god knows Tim has yet to deal with the fact that he started banging his former Rookie I suppose.

I dunno whether to put this in The Good or The Bad at this point; it depends on where they take it, so instead Tim gets a section all about why he's a dick.

To be clear, I do not like that Tim is a dick. But I actually do kind of like that it is very clear TO THE AUDIENCE that Tim is being kind of a dick. Do I still think people will bend over backwards to defend him? Of course they will.

From my perspective, I love Tim, I understand that he thinks he's doing the right thing, and has lots and lots of trauma. I've never seen Tim as a character that magically healed at some point between Seasons 1 & 5 (please see his storyline with his dad, his ongoing issues with UC work and unwillingness to confront or deal with them, his feelings about therapy historically, his inability to dump Ashley, etc. etc.). He's never been perfect and he doesn't need to be.

All of those things are true. None of those things give him a free pass to be kind of a dick. He still has to take accountability for how he treated Lucy (which, to be clear, was like sh*t).

The Bad

Lucy being petty AF with the invites to Tamara's dinner - let her be ANGRY, but give me villain Lucy over this dumb sh*t.

Lucy having no one other than Grey to talk to.

Others acting like Lucy is actually kind of pathetic (why do these writers love sh*tting on her so much? girl could not be down and kicked any harder at this point) -- Celina / Nolan and the double dumping crap, Lucy thinking Grey paid actors and him telling her she was out of her damn mind

The last interaction between Lucy and Tim. I am so angry for her. I needed to see that from her, but instead it felt kind of like her being dumped / a kicked puppy all over again. We got it, thanks. What's next? Lucy being incredibly happy with the hottest man on earth? I'm here for it tbh. Lucy plotting Tim's murder? Also here for it at this point. LOL.

The Ugly

I could not hate the implication of that final scene with Tim and the therapist and the door shutting more. There was ZERO reason they couldn't have had him show up during the day, and it actually disgusts me that they are pushing this line again, but especially with Tim. I am literally NEVER this dramatic, but in this case I really hope they did that to just get a reaction, because if anything were to actually happen between Tim and the therapist, I'd be 100% done with this ship and show as would a whole lot of the audience (I think). If I kept watching, it would only be to see Lucy be absurdly happy without Tim.

Well, what'd I miss? What did y'all think?

[olderthannetfic]

As someone who's college age: yeah, there's a TON of people my age who don't know how things work and don't try to learn. Can't unzip a zip file, want to know where to download anime but haven't tried looking it up, ask things on subreddits a Google search or quick search on the wiki would answer, ask questions answered in FAQs or by professors or in the syllabus, say they can't download and install a new browser or app or program because they don't know how and they never think to look up how to do so, go months without logging into their student email because no one explained to them how to do so and they never thought to ask anyone how to do it, go months without washing their laundry because they don't know how and they also don't know how to look up instructions on how to do it, don't know how to cook and can't Google a recipe so they throw things in a pan and pray it works out, don't understand how to back up files, don't know how to attach a pdf to an email to send to a professor, cannot manage to put stuff on a USB drive + go to the library + print it off of the library computer, etc.

I spent most of freshman year teaching people things. The year after, my patience got more frayed and "Google it" started coming out of my mouth a lot more. This last year I gave up and now if people fuck themselves over, that's their decision. I'm not going to stand there begging people to do basic things they should already know how to do.

It was really funny when someone from Career Services came to talk to us about resumes and said we didn't need to put down 'can use Microsoft Excel' on there because everyone knew that and all but three people said actually no, they didn't. People who are 40+ really think we're all good at tech by default, like we fall out of the womb clutching a little phone already making spreadsheets in Excel or coding computers or whatever.

Meanwhile in reality you see a ton of people posting on tumblr going, "How do I post fic on tumblr?" whose blogs proudly state that they're under 18. The thought that you could just type into a Word doc and then copy and paste onto here never hits. And it's not going to.

I hate to break it to millennials and older people but yeah, actually, my generation does in fact have morons. We're not a moron-free demographic. I'm pretty sure moron-free demographics don't exist, tbh.

--

It infuriates me that my father (in his 80s) is always saying to me that he needs to find a 12-year-old to explain his tech to him. I (40s) keep telling him it's more like a bell curve or something. We had a blip of people being taught in school or having their asses kicked about technology. But then it went away again.

I think we made computers and then phones much more accessible, which is great, but we forgot we still need to teach people things. I know not everyone got explicit instruction in school even in my era, but it seems like the US, at least, phased some of that out as we started assuming The Youth automatically knew it all.

That said... in my day, college freshmen were also terrible about doing their laundry, so some things never change.

[pucksalotguys]

Chapter 9

Masterlist to series

WC: 9K

Back with chapter 9 !! This is where it all goes down and tbh it’s a heavy one. There’s emotions, toxicity, break down of relationships and….an important time jump. If you haven’t read the others chapters I suggest you do so before you read this one. I’m almost done with this series (only one more chapter and an epilogue left) and while I’m sad I’m excited to show you guys the end !! Hope you all enjoy 💙

(If you enjoyed this chapter let me know !! Anon is on for a reason or you can just comment here on the fic 🫶)

 Cece suddenly heard a click. Sidney had hung up. She breathed deeply and looked down a her phone, waiting and waiting and until finally his name came up again on her screen “Hey” she whispered “There was a heavy silence on the line, and she could almost hear the gears turning in his head. “Wow. That’s—”

“Yeah, I know it’s a lot, but I wanted to tell you as soon as possible rather than wait” she said softly 

“Right… right.” Sidney’s voice became distant, almost strained. “Look, Cece, I—”

“I just thought you should know—” Cece cut him off quickly

“I’m just…..Cece, she knows” he sighed  “She knows and….it’s not good”

Her heart stopped for a moment as she sat down and shook her head “I’m sorry, whatever it is….we’ll deal with it. I’m an adult, I know what I took part in. I knew it was wrong and still did it, believe me I know she hates me but whatever it is I’m ready to deal with this with you. We’re in this together”

Sidney sighed “I forgot some stuff at the rink that I need, we can talk more in person later okay ?”

Cece simply rubbed her face as she hung up and waited, she could tell he was annoyed and upset and it made her feel even worse. She reached for the sonograms her doctor had given her and looked through them for a while, standing when she heard a knock and got up to answer it assuming it was Sidney and opened, reeling against the door as she got slapped across the face

“That’s for fucking my husband” Jacqueline panted

She held her cheek as she looked at her, she wanted to talk but no words would come out her mouth. This was her worst nightmare come alive

“What ?” Jacqueline snapped “Nothing to say now ?”

“You wanna talk we can talk, but you will not put you hands on me in my own home” Cece looked at her

“I could end you right now if I wanted to” Jacqueline pushed past her into her apartment “I know you two fucked in Vegas, you are such a fucking whore Cecelia. I was there, my children were there and you did that ?”

Cece shook her head “It…It wasn’t supposed to happen, it was never supposed to get this far” “He won’t leave me” Jacqueline met her eyes, eerily calm “You know I thought that when I saw you I’d feel this rage inside me….but honestly I just feel bad for you Cecelia I really do. Sidney will not leave me, he won’t abandon me or the boys. You should understand that but in case you don’t want to, here” she reached in her purse and took out her checkbook “I’ll give you a little incentive, how does 1 million dollars sound to you ?” “What are you doing ?” Cece whispered “Oh wait, let me guess you thought you were the first ?” she let out a dry laugh Cece shook her head “I…I don’t know what you’re talking about” “I’ll admit no girl has gotten as far as you did, typically he gets bored after a month or so” Jacqueline chuckled “You’ve got that curly hair, clearly you’ve got the body and your face is definitely pleasing to look at” “I don’t believe you” Cece said “You just hate me” “I do hate you but why would I lie to you ?” Jacqueline asked “I have nothing to lose Cecelia. You have known him for months, I’ve known him for 15 years of my life. I’ve been through hell and back with him, things that you wouldn’t be able to handle. So listen to me when I tell you, he will not leave. I’m hurt, I wanna kill him and you with my bare hands but deep down in my soul I know he’ll choose me” “I’m not too sure of that” Cece answered her She sighed “Listen here’s the check, if you cash it then I’ll know you took the offer. You have a week Cecelia, think things through please. It’s a lot of money, you could use that” “I don’t give a fuck about this money” Cece took the check and ripped it up “You’re a miserable person, you two were miserable way before I came in the picture. Yeah, I slept with him knowing you two were still married but you two have been done for a while” “You can’t defend what you did so quit it” Jacqueline snapped “You’re not special, nothing about you is special” she stepped forward and grabbed her arm “You’re just easy. You spread your legs for him, you were just a warm body for him to find comfort in” In any other moment Cece would’ve pushed her away, she was about to when she looked down at the sonogram on the table and simply stayed calm. Jacqueline instantly meeting her eyes and looking down along with her “What is that” she raised her voice, keeping her hold “Cecelia answer me” “Let me go” Cece whispered ��Please” It was faith when she turned her head as the doorknob turned and saw Sidney walk through the door and widened his eyes at the sight in front of him. She met his eyes and said nothing, she just couldn’t speak “What the hell is wrong with you” Sidney walked over and removed her hold as he stood in the middle of them “You got her pregnant ?” Jacqueline murmured as she picked up a sonogram and looked at it “You said you were getting a vasectomy !” she shoved him “How you didn’t want more kids, how it overwhelmed you ! You couldn’t even protect yourself well enough ?” Sidney shook his head “I’m sorry, I’m sorry this is how you found out” She quickly wiped her eyes and looked at the sonogram better “It says here she’s 15 weeks, just shy of 4 months….this lines up to Vegas. She fucked Nate that same weekend, I know she did. This baby is his, it has to be”

“Jacqueline stop” he snapped

“I know she fucked Nate too, it was written all over his stupid face” she said “You should be sure before you do anything drastic here”

“Enough” he repeated

Jacqueline shook her head “I’m going home, come by tomorrow so we can talk. And keep what I said in mind, that child could very well be Nate’s.”

Cece stood silent as she left her apartment, she looked up at Sidney “You’re such a piece of shit” she threw a pillow at him

“I’m sorry I hung up on you” he sighed “It was a shitty thing to do, I was just in shock that was all”

“When the hell were you going to tell me you had cheated on Jacqueline before ? Huh ? When were you gonna mention those other women Sidney ?” Cece asked Sidney shook his head as he sat down “It’s not like that. Those are girls that worked sporadically for the team in different positions, I never even talked to them unless I had too. She got in her head that I was cheating on her and had them fired behind my back. She did that, not me, I’ve never cheated on her ever…” “Until now” Cece finished his sentence for him “Until now” “Cece…you need to believe me” he whispered “Do you believe this child is yours and yours only ?” Cece asked him “Do you ?” He stayed quiet for a bit and sighed “Cece, are you sure it is ? You were with Nate, how can you be so sure it’s….it’s mine”

She met his eyes as she looked up at him “Are you seriously asking me that ?” “You slept with him a night before you did with me, I used protection and he didn’t” he looked at her “You’re shy of 4 months, it adds up and yeah I know…we didn’t use protection after when we had sex shortly later but….you have to understand where I’m coming from” “I know myself and he and I didn’t use protection but I know for fact it’s not him okay, do you know how degrading this is for me ? Did you forget you fucked me in the shower without a condom the next day, the same day we slept together for the first time ? Do I have to refresh your memory ?” “You don’t” he said “But you should understand where I am coming from, that sonogram says 15 weeks. Either of us could be the father, I’m not saying I’m not taking responsibility because I am but it’d be better if you could be sure” The question hung in the air, sharp and painful. “Sidney, I would never do that to you. I’m sure.”

He looked away, his mind racing. “I just can’t help but wonder. This is all so complicated.”

She felt tears prick her eyes, the weight of doubt pressing down on her. “I understand it’s a lot to take in, but I love you. I thought we were building something here. I know this child is yours, I know it”

“Yeah, but love doesn’t change biology,” Sidney said quietly, almost to himself.

She reached for his hand, desperation creeping in. “I need you to trust me. We can figure this out together.”

For a moment, he met her gaze, the conflict evident in his eyes. But she could see the walls starting to build, brick by brick, as doubt settled in. “I just need time” Sidney finally said, pulling away “I have so much to figure out right now, I just….I can’t do this. I can’t” “Sidney you can’t do this to me, I’m telling you I know this baby is yours” Cece sniffled “I know it, please don't do this. Don’t leave me like this” “I’m not leaving” he shook his head “I just need to think about things”

The room felt heavy with unspoken tension, and she knew she had to make him understand.“Sidney, please,” Cece said, her voice wavering. “You have to believe me. This is your child, not Nate’s.”

“I know how this ends, you promised me this wouldn’t happen. You told me you loved me and that you’d do things right” she cried “You can’t do this to me” “I just need to get myself together” he whispered “I’ll call you when I can, just…just lay low”

Cece watched him retreat into his thoughts, her heart breaking as she realized the path ahead was going to be much harder than she had hoped ***********************

3 Weeks Later

The 18 week mark had been hell, more than that actually. No matter what or how she ate, she somehow always ended up puking in the toilet. She always heard the second trimester would be harder but in her case it seemed nearly impossible. Her breasts were already swollen, she was showing a tiny bit but she somehow felt like she was wearing a watermelon around her stomach

“Cece, you’ve barely touched your food” Nate commented as she came back out of the bathroom and joined him “You alright ?”

“Yeah just…that salad didn’t hit like I wanted it to” Cece shook her head

“Maybe because you’re pregnant and you should actually eat food and not lettuce like some animal ?” he tried to joke

Cece gave him a weak grin and took a bit out of her chicken. She had called him the day everything went down and told him the news and by surprise he was more concerned than upset. After some talking he had invited her to go over to Colorado since she could still fly, just to see each other in person and talk “I think I’m gonna go back to my hotel room and sleep, I don’t feel good” she said after some silence Nate nodded “I’ll go with you, you sure you don’t wanna go to like an urgent care or something ?” Cece shook her head “No, it’s just sickness it’s all okay. My dr said every trimester was different was for everyone, this one’s just kicking my ass is all” she nodded as he paid and walked with her “I’m just glad I can walk today” “I’m sorry it’s been tough” Nate said softly “That’s not good” “I’m sorry you’re somehow dragged into this” she said back “It was nice of you to invite me out here, I appreciate it” He grinned “Sure” “I feel like you’re holding back on wanting to say something” Cece admitted as they got back in her room “Whatever it is say it” Nate sighed as he took a seat on a chair by her bed “I think it’s really shitty that Sidney’s not really communicating with you. But listen, I like you a lot, I wish that baby was mine. I really do. It’s not fair” “Thanks now I feel shittier” Cece whispered “Mission accomplished, can you leave now” “Cece,” he said gently, interrupting her thoughts. “I know this is a lot for you to handle. But… I want you to know that you’re not alone in this.”

She stopped and looked at him, uncertainty flickering in her eyes. “Nate, I appreciate that, but you don’t have to feel obligated. This isn’t your responsibility.”

He stepped closer, determination in his voice. “I’m not doing this out of obligation. I want to help. I want to be there for you and the baby.”

Cece shook her head “But… I’m not even sure what this means for us. You know right now I can’t commit to you and  I didn’t plan this, and—”

“I get it,” Nate interrupted softly. “But that doesn’t change the fact that you need support right now. No matter who the father is, this child deserves someone who cares and I care, I care about you a lot”

“I want Sidney to care” she whispered “I want him to call and text me and tell me he cares. I want him to tell me he’ll be there for me”

“I don’t get why he doesn’t” he admits “It’s a shitty thing to do to you, you don’t deserve that”

She wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her sweater and shrugged “He said he needs time that he can’t do this right now and how he needs me to be sure it’s his. I’ll text him and he’ll take hours to respond with the shortest answers. I’ll call him and it goes straight to voicemail. He just doesn’t wanna hear from me…Jacqueline texted me though”

Nate shook his head “Of course she did”

“She said her offer still stands, I might take it” she admits quietly

Part of her felt cheap for even thinking of taking the money, she didn’t need it technically. She had a good savings account and was prepared for anything but seeing as there was a chance she truly would never see them again she felt like she should take the money

“It’s a lot of money” he nodded “I don’t blame you if you do, if I were in your situation I would to but….remember my offer still stands”

She met his eyes and sighed “I’m not gonna accept your help and money when this child isn’t yours Nate, I can’t and won’t do that to you. You don’t deserve that”

“How…how are you so sure it’s his ?” he whispered “What if it’s really mine ? What if by some miracle it’s mine ?”

“I just know….I just know” Cece murmured “I know I sound crazy but I know it’s his”

“You don’t sound crazy, you sound…in love” he admitted

“I’m moving back to New York” she looked at him “I told my parents a shortened story and they’re insisting I move back. I can’t be in Pittsburgh, I just can’t. I already emailed my 2 weeks notice and moved into a new apartment on the other side of town for the time being but…I know I need to leave” “Whoa that’s far” Nate said “You’re just gonna leave ? You’re not gonna tell Sidney ?” “I just told you he won’t talk to me, he doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t care about this baby so why should I tell him I’m moving ? I need to watch out for myself and this child, I’m almost at that halfway mark. I need to stop having a pity party and get my life together” she sniffled “And I know you’re gonna offer your help again but please….just don’t” “Okay” he nodded “But it still stands so if you change your mind, you know where to find me” She kissed his cheek “Whoever ends up with you in life is gonna be so lucky” “Thanks” he chuckled “I’ll let you get some rest, I’ll come back up and get you for dinner later. Text me if anything” She stood up to walk to him the door and stopped as she felt a cramping feeling “Oh….that hurts” The moments that followed were a total blur and when she woke up she was in a hospital bed, her mind raced as she slowly tried to sit up and groaned “What happened ?” “Hey….easy” Nate whispered “Don’t use too much force” “What happened ?” she looked at him nervously  “Did I….Did I lose the baby ?” He shook his head “No no, the baby is okay. You just had what the doctor said was a threatened miscarriage, he was able to control everything and the baby is all good” Cece let out a sigh of relief “Thank god, wow….um…thanks for bringing me, you saved my life Nate, you did.” He gave her a shrug “I did what I hoped any other person would do, I’m just glad you’re okay and that you two are all good, kid’s strong…I got to hear the heartbeat…they thought I was the dad” he admitted with a blush She smiled softly “I can’t wait to hear it when the doctor comes back in the room, it’s the one thing I’ve been looking forward to the most. I told myself that I wouldn’t find out the gender till after they were born” “That’ll be cool” he grinned 

Things were quiet after that, she fell back asleep for a bit as he stayed in his chair waiting until the doctor made his round back to her. She wouldn’t admit it but she was scared, nervous even. When the doctor came back inside she did her best to sit up as they scanned her stomach and showed her the sonogram “Wow” Cece whispered “That’s a good heartbeat” “An excellent one” the doctor smiled “Now after today I suggest you rest, no getting up unless you need to. Take it easy Ms.Harper, pregnancies should be easy not stressful. I won’t put you on bedrest but I do suggest not partaking in anything stressful, do it for your baby and yourself. A calm and happy mom mean a calm pregnancy” “Thank you sir” Cece gave him a grin as he walked out, she gently sat up as she checked her phone and once again there was nothing from Sidney. Nothing at all. She didn’t expect anything but it still hurt her “Cece” Nate interrupted “You should stay with me, this is further proof you need to. I won’t feel okay if you leave back to Pittsburgh, you have no one there. At least here you have me, I’ll be around and then you can go to New York” he said softly “Please”

“Okay” she finally gave in ‘Okay….I’ll stay here with you for a bit but I ask of one thing from you” “You name it” Nate nodded “You don’t tell Sidney at all” Cece looked at him “I’m changing my phone number, I don’t want any contact with him whatsoever. You just tell him that you don’t know where I am if he asks you” She waited for him to disagree instead he held her hand and kissed her forehead, the only confirmation she needed ************** 

A Month Later- 22 weeks pregnant

Agony. Pain. Hurt.

There was no other way to describe what Sidney was feeling. He had been in hell as far as he was concerned. He hadn’t spoken or seen Cece in 7 weeks, after he declined her calls and gave her short answers in their texts she had stopped reaching out all together. He knew he was in the wrong, he knew he had hurt her and he hated himself for it but as selfish as it may have seemed he thought he was doing the right thing “Here” Jacqueline handed him a contract as they sat in his office “It’s an NDA for if that child Cecelia’s pregnant with is actually yours, it says you’ll give her a lump sum of $15 million and that you’re choosing to terminate your parental rights which means your name will not be on the birth certificate nor will she be allowed to use your last name. And that there should be no contact from the child until they are of legal age to do so” “If that child is mine I want to see him or her whenever I please” Sidney ripped up the contract “I’ll raise it and you know what ? Fuck you” “Excuse me ?” Jacqueline whispered “Watch how you speak to me”

“You got in my head, you and your stupid thoughts” he looked at her “That kid is mine, I know it is. I know it, I let you get in my head and now she won’t speak to me. It’s like she’s dropped off the face of the earth. No calls or texts, no voicemail. I have no idea where she’s at, she’s not with Nate. I had people see and nothing. She’s not in New York either, she’s gone. She’s just….gone”

“Oh please don’t start with your woe is me bullshit when you literally told her you couldn’t be with her if she couldn’t guarantee the kid was yours. You left her high and dry, you’re the one who was ignoring her for weeks when she was trying to talk to you” Jacqueline reminded him reluctantly “You showed her the kind of man you are, I hate that you’re making me defend her”

“I was in shock” he defended “I was in shock and it was a lot that day”

“I don’t even like Cecelia and I could even admit you treated her like absolute shit. I mean granted she deserved it” she shrugged “I would’ve killed you honestly”

Sidney shot daggers at her “You do realize I asked my lawyer to draft up divorce papers right ?”

Jacqueline let out small breath “And like always I’m way ahead of you” she picked up another folder and took out the documents “We didn’t sign a prenup when we married, which means I am entitled to half of your assets, not to mention when we go to court and I show proof of infidelity and the fact that you’re away for half the year essentially will absolutely leave me with sole physical custody of the boys…you’ll have a nice weekly visitation though don’t worry and of course this home is mine, as are the two homes we have in Canada, the house in Montana, and the penthouse in Miami. I want it all.”

“You can’t do that to me” Sidney shook his head “We didn’t sign a prenup but those are my assets, I worked really hard for that Jacqueline and I deserve custody too. They’re my children too, you can’t do this to me” “And what are you gonna tell the boys if that kid is yours ? You gonna tell them the truth ? That you cheated on their mother ? That they have a new brother or sister ? Tell me, what are you gonna tell them ?” she asked “I’d love to know Sidney” He stayed quiet and looked down, he hadn’t thought about what would happen after. How he would break such sensitive news to the boys. How this would affect them and traumatize them at such a young age “I take it you didn’t think about the bigger picture ?” Jacqueline took a sip of her coffee “See, this is why you should’ve kept your dick in your pants and looked at Cece from afar like a decent man.” “She’s different, she’s perfect inside and out. I felt drawn to her” Sidney said back “You wouldn’t know that feeling now would you” Her face hardened at his words “You’re slower than I initially thought, must be all those concussions you took. Maybe that’s why you’re a mediocre player now, you’re quite literally fucked in the head” “You are-” “Evil ? A bitch ? Listen I’m not the one who cheated on their wife, ignored time with their children to go make another and then dumped a pregnant girl who doesn’t know who the father of their kid is. That’s you and little miss homewrecker, all I’m doing is protecting myself. You’ve left me no choice Sidney”He sighed “You know this doesn’t have to be this way”

“Oh but it does” Jacqueline looked at him “I’ve been too nice in the past, naive even. I put you above everyone and everything and the one time I wanted to do something for myself you decide you don’t like it so you have an affair. Now I know why you were so on edge sometimes, why you took longer at practice, why your phone was constantly in your pocket and of course why you were so mad I took the boys to vegas”

“You and I had been on thin ice” he whispered “It was wrong….I know it was wrong but she just…she brought a different light back to my life, things had been so bad with us. I know it was wrong and that I shouldn’t have done it but she just made me realize I wanted something different. I wanted to feel alive”

Jacqueline didn’t realize she was crying as she heard him speak, she gently wiped her eyes with a napkin and nodded “I see, well that was your choice and you decided on that. I just don’t don’t understand how you could be with her knowing you were hurting me. I knew you didn’t like me but I….I never thought you’d actually hurt me” “Don’t cry” he murmured “Please” “15 years of my life” she sniffled “I was with you through some of your worst moments, moments where you didn’t even want to exist anymore. Moments where I made sure you ate, that you showered and that you were in a good headspace and that you knew things were going to be okay when I didn’t even know if they’d be okay. I was freshly out of college with my dreams put aside to make sure you could go back and do what you loved. You wanted kids later and I agreed. I put my life on hold for you, my best years wasted” she said through shaky breaths

 “Then I got pregnant and I find out I’m carrying not only 2 children but one of them has this disability that I’ve never even heard of, that his life might be different compared to his brothers and you get annoyed that I wanna do everything in my power to make his life as normal as possible. I get told I do too much and I’m so uptight and that I’m doing wrong by him. I’m navigating it the best I can, trying to be a good mother and wife all so you can go be the poor emotionally neglected and sexually deprived husband with a mean wife to some girl who looks at you with stars in her eyes” Jacqueline looked at him 

 “You act like a completely different person with me now and while I don’t know where stand as a couple, I just know I love you” Jacqueline shook her head and reached for his hand “I’m willing to put in the work if you are. Life has thrown us worse things and we’re still standing. If you’re willing to work on us then I am too, I won’t speak of her again.” Sidney felt a tear slide down his cheek as he took in her words, despite them going at each other's throats he couldn’t deny he still loved her deep in his heart. Jacqueline was a comfort, she knew all of him and even if he had hurt her he truly couldn’t imagine a life without her for some reason. He knew Cece mattered but there was no point if she had iced him out. He had done what he could, he did love Cece too but right now he was focused on his family He held Jacqueline’s hand and kissed it as he scooted closer to her and hugged her. He wanted them to work but he also wanted Cece to just answer him. He wanted to see her, to talk to her, to clear things up but he knew it couldn’t happen

“How are we gonna know if this is gonna work ?” he asked “Because I’m me and you’re you, we’re not quitters” she looked at him with small grin 

Sidney chuckled with a sniffle as he leaned into his chair. Life wasn’t in his favor but he’d do what he needed to do to make it better

************ 1 Year Later Cece smiled as she held her son in her arms and showed him his reflection in her compact mirror as she waited with him at a nearby restaurant in Denver “That’s you, that’s Jude” she cooed at the 8 month old “Jude and mommy” “I made it just in time” a voice interrupted “It’s only been a month since you’ve seen us” she chuckled as she stood up to greet him and handed Jude over “He looks the same, nothing different I promise. He’s still super cute and perfect”

Nate grinned as he picked him up “Oh man he’s even chunkier now” he smoothed his hair “Hey buddy…you remember me ?”

“Of course he does, he recognized your voice” she grinned, watching them “Aww he’s smiling at you Nate, see he knows you”

Nate smiled as he held him, Jude was Sidney’s carbon copy but that didn’t matter to him at all. He was still a perfect baby, he could see bits of Cece in him but for the most part he had to admit Jude was 99.9% all Sidney as far as looks. He had his eyes, his lips, his hair, he even smiled like him sometimes. It was like he was holding a mini Sidney in his arms, Jude resembled him way more than his other 2 sons.

“So” Cece interrupted his thoughts “How’s stuff going ? I’m glad you have a small break”

“Season’s going great” he grinned “All good thankfully, how about you ?”

“Work is nice” she nodded

Soon after spending some time in Colorado she finally moved back to New York and settled on her own in Brooklyn and got a job at newspaper writing for the entertainment column. It was different and calm, something she so desperately needed. Being able to give birth with her family by her side made up for everything bad she had lived, times were getting better and now with Jude with her she felt at peace finally “I miss you here permanently but I bet Brooklyn is cool too” Nate grinned “Any chance I can get you to move back ?” Cece chuckled “I have a really good job, my family is near and I like my new life there so no. But I do miss you, and so does he” she looked at Jude “He’s so cuddly lately” “He’s cuddly because I’m holding him” Nate smirked “He missed me” “He sure did, facetime isn’t enough” she took a bite of her food “You know he grabs my phone now and hands it over to me, because he knows that’s how he sees you” “Because he’s the smartest baby alive” he cooed “Aren’t you buddy ?”

“Are you gonna steal my son ?” Cece laughed

“I just might” Nate teased “He’s so cute, seriously how is he so big now ? He looks 2”

She sipped her water quietly. She knew he didn’t mean it that way but it’s how she took it. Jude was essentially Sidney reborn, when he was put on her chest after he was born she looked at him once and just knew. As the days and weeks went by she would often just stare at him and see just how much he resembled Sidney. It brought her sadness at first, he was now a permanent reminder of him. Rather than dwell on the past she focused on the good that was ahead

“So…what are your plans ?” Nate asked “I was thinking maybe we could go out later….just dessert somewhere”

She sighed “I can’t, I still breastfeed him at night. He cluster feeds and doesn’t take the bottle at all. We're in a little regression but I’m hoping the dark hotel lighting will help him sleep. Don’t let those dark curls and gummy smile fool you, he keeps me up at night now”

“You should’ve stayed with me, you could’ve had your old room but you insisted on a hotel” he brought up “I could handle some baby cries you know, it’s not a big deal”

Cece grinned “I know but I just felt better in a hotel, plus you have a game in 2 days and I don’t want you not getting enough sleep”

“I guess I won’t argue about that, but how about after he has his afternoon nap we go for a walk ? The lights downtown are really nice this time of year, he’d like that” he pet Jude’s cheek “Wouldn’t you buddy ?”

“Dadadada” Jude babbled and clapped excitedly In that moment she felt her stomach flip as she felt her face pale almost immediately “I’m so sorry about that, I swear I don’t know where he got that from. He’s only ever babbled mama, I’ve never ever heard him say dada, I have no idea where he could’ve heard that” she rambled “It’s fine…it is” Nate said softly “Listen…I’ve thought about things, I’ve had time and…well, what’s stopping us from taking the next step ? I think I’ve proven myself worthy to you. You know I like you more than a friend, you know you can trust me and that I care about Jude. Why don’t we give this a shot Cece ?” “Nate I’m not ready for that” she admitted “I’m not, and I’m sorry if I’ve given you any indication that I have but-” “You haven’t” he shook his head “It’s me, this is all me. I’m saying this because I want to and because I know that we could have a family. No one has to know, we keep things private” “I have a life that’s just me and Jude” Cece explained “And I really really like it, it’s calm and it’s nice. I don’t have room in my heart for you….not in the way you want me to have. I like you and I consider you a close friend and I hope we’ll forever be friends but right now, I can’t accept that nor can I offer that to you” “I can wait” Nate gave her a small grin “I’m patient” “I wish he was yours. I really do” she admitted in a whisper “Life would’ve been so nice, so much better” He nodded “Part of me really wanted that too, but it’s okay. It doesn’t matter to me, I really really like you and I really like him and I just want you to know that. I’ll wait months if you need me to, I just wanna be with you and Jude” She sighed softly “I gotta put him down for his nap but I’ll take that offer for later, meet me at my hotel lobby by 6” “You got it” Nate smiled as he kissed Jude’s cheek and handed him back over “See you soon” She waved him goodbye as she put Jude in his stroller and walked back towards the lobby, she was on her way to the elevator when someone bumped into her 

“Oh god I’m so….Cece ?” “Mr Letang” Cece whispered turning back around “Wow um….hello, so-so nice to see you” “How are you ?” he grinned “And call me Kris please, wait…my goodness did you have a baby ?” he bent down to look at the stroller “He’s adorable” “I…I did” she said softly “This is my son….Jude” “Look at him” Kris smiled as he held his little hand “Hey little guy, you’re a cutie” Cece looked around nervously, she knew a home game for Nate meant an opposing team visiting but she had no idea it would be the penguins of all teams. She watched as Kris happily entertained Jude who was more than content “Now I get why you left so soon without a goodbye” Kris mentioned “Everyone was so sad to hear you left so suddenly, you’re greatly missed. The ladies and kids miss you, so does the staff and of course all of us. It’s not the same without you there helping out” “How sweet, believe me I miss you guys too” she whispered “But um..it was nice seeing you again, have a great game” “Wait I see Sid” he looked up “Hey man look who’s here, come say hi” She breathed slowly as she heard his familiar voice approach them, when she turned around she could see his face just drop “Cecelia ?” Sidney whispered “Wh-what are you doing here ?” “Visiting a friend” she answered quietly as she pulled up the stroller canopy to cover Jude’s face from him “Listen I’d love to chat but my baby needs a nap and I run a tight schedule, have a nice rest of your day” “I’ll tell Catherine I saw you” Kris smiled as he waved goodbye at her It was like a bad dream come true for Cece, she walked away quickly and got in the elevator as she felt her eyes water. It had been way too long but never did she think she’d feel that way over seeing Sidney again. She quickly got in her room and did her best to calm down, she felt a whirl of emotions go through her as she took Jude out his stroller and fed him

“Hi lovie” she whispered and kissed his forehead “It’s okay, it’s just me”

When he finished she burped him and laid him down for his nap in his pack and play, she knew what was coming. It was like deja vu from a year before when she heard a gentle but loud knock on her door

“You need to leave immediately” Cece said as she answered “I’m not playing, I will literally beat you down to a pulp with my bare hands if you move in inch towards me”

“I wanna see…please let me see the baby” Sidney whispered “Please….”

“No” she said sternly “Now get out before I call security”

“Cece….please let me see that baby” he pleaded desperately “Please, I’m begging you to let me see them. I’ll see them and I’ll leave”

She sighed and stepped aside as she let him in, hesitation was written all over his face as he walked behind her slowly. She walked him up to the pack and play and let out a deep breath, all the words she had wanted to tell him suddenly were gone. All she felt now was pure sadness

“It’s….it’s a boy” Sidney whispered as he crouched down

“Yeah” Cece whispered “It’s a boy”

“What’s his name ? How many months is he ?” he asked

“His name is Jude…Jude Harper” she nodded “He’s 8 months”

Sidney stood up as he just looked at him. All those months he wondered and wondered where she was and if she was okay and here she was, now with a baby. His baby. He could feel his eyes well up as he looked at Jude peacefully sleeping away

“He’s….He’s perfect” he murmured “He’s a perfect baby”

“You can leave now” Cece said

“No” Sidney shook his head “Cece…this is my son, this our son”

“He’s mine” she looked in his eyes, staring him down “Don’t you dare call him yours, you understand me ? He is my son, my child. He’s not yours. You lost that privilege the moment you questioned me and didn’t contact me. Jude is mine and mine only” “You don’t understand how hard that was” Sidney whispered “How I beat myself up for it for months but then I tried reaching out and it’s like you disappeared. I looked everywhere for you, I did everything I could and I couldn’t find you Cecelia. I did everything I could” “Yeah okay” Cece nodded “Sure” “Please understand me, let’s talk. I’ll tell you everything” Sidney tried holding her hand, wincing as she snatched it back, almost recoiling from his touch “I’m begging you” “No” she answered coldly “Leave my room now, I don’t wanna see you ever again” “You can’t do this to me” Sidney whispered “Cece please” he got on his knees “Please let me talk to you” “Get up” Cece spoke in a hushed tone “You’re embarrassing yourself and quite frankly you’re pissing me off and if it weren’t for MY son in this room you’d be screaming in pain from the absolute ass whooping I’d be giving you” “I’m sorry” Sidney croaked out “I’m so so sorry I did that to you. I’m sorry I didn’t believe you and that I wasn’t there for you and that I didn’t answer you when you’d call or text me. I was so selfish, so incredibly selfish and I realized it too late” She didn’t know what to say or do as she took a seat on the corner of her bed and just looked straight ahead “A part of me died that day, I thought you loved me. I thought that you’d be by my side supporting me and instead you ask if I’m sure you’re the father, you tell me you need time. That it’s too much” “Cece-”

“I know what I did wrong, I know it was wrong to sleep with a married man and have an affair but you told me you were asking her for a divorce. You strung me along for months telling me you just needed the right time. You slept with me every single opportunity you had telling me you loved me and how different I was and how you knew you belonged with me. How you saw a future with me and knew I was the one” Cece repeated his own words “And the second I have something terrifying happen you tell me how you’re not sure it’s even yours and how you need time…how dare you do that to me ?” Sidney gulped and opened his mouth to speak “I….I’m sorry”

“Sorry doesn’t cut it” she shook her head and wiped the corners of her eyes “I loved you, I was so in love with you. I was ready to do anything and everything to be with you. To face the whole world and its wrath, to ruin myself just to be with you because I loved you that much. I just wanted to be with you, I didn’t expect a perfect family or a fairytale. I knew reality Sidney. I knew you had your other sons to look after and be there for and I respected that. I never ever thought you’d leave me the way you did Sidney, that hurt more than anything. I was devastated for weeks. I almost lost Jude from how depressed and stressed out I was” At this point tears were streaming down her face without stopping but she needed to continue “It was then that I realized that you just weren’t who I thought you were. I laid in that hospital bed knowing that if you didn’t reach out to me then there was no point in me reaching out to you ever again. I knew I needed to focus on being healthy and being in a good state of mind for my pregnancy and I did a pretty nice job at it and I continue to do an amazing job. I don’t want you nor do I need you and I don’t want you in his life either” “I can’t walk away from you again, I can’t walk away from him…I can’t do that” he murmured “Why ? You’re really good at walking away” she said to him “This won’t be any different Sidney.” He closed his eyes at the insult and nodded “I understand I hurt you but…I’ll do whatever you want me to do” “There’s nothing you could ever do that will make me forgive you” Cece answered “You can die for all I care” she looked in his eyes “You’ve basically already been dead to me anyways” “This isn’t who you are, how could you say such evil things” Sidney whispered hurt “You’re acting like a completely different person” 

“I’m not acting like a completely different person” Cece responded “You’ve just never known me when I’m not in love with you and quite frankly thank god I now can realize that it was all some act” The words cut like knives through his heart, the person he knew and had grown to love was long gone and it hurt him. He was about to walk away when he heard Jude stir and wake up, he turned his head and watched him rub his eyes with his tiny firsts and sit up “It’s still nap time” Cece said softly changing her tone and walking over to him as she picked him up “You gotta sleep more, it’s only been an hour Jude” Sidney walked over and looked at him, his big brown eyes meeting his own, pointing to him and then giving him a smile  “H-Hi there” he whispered giving him a small wave and getting one in return “Can you leave now” Cece said “I need to get him back down for the rest of his nap”

Sidney glanced down at the baby in her arms. Jude had big, curious eyes and a tuft of dark hair. His heart swelled. “Can I… can I hold him?” “Fine” Cece replied, her voice quiet shifting slightly, as if unsure how to bridge the distance between them.

She hesitated, then nodded slowly, her gaze flickering with a mix of emotions. She gently passed Jude to him, her fingers brushing against Sidney’s as she did

 He felt an electric spark at that brief touch, but he pushed it aside, focusing on the child. Jude squirmed a little in his arms, his eyes studying Sidney’s face. “Hey there, buddy,” Sidney murmured, his voice filled with warmth. The sight of Jude stirred a deep sense of connection within him, but he could feel the weight of the past pressing down on them.

Cece watched silently, her expression unreadable “Can this be done now ?” she asked after a few minutes “Cece this is my son too, you can’t just expect me to walk out and never see him again. We can work something out” he said “I can talk to Jacqueline, I can-” She simply shrugged “You’re gonna win anyways so I might as well let you. I don’t have your kind of money or power that can help me out in court in a custody case” “Cece I would never…” he shook his head “I don’t believe a word you say, everything about you is a total farce. What I expect is a call or letter to my lawyer's office soon. I don’t want any outside contact with you at all, it will all be done with a handler on my behalf. I don’t want child support either. The only thing I will allow you to have is visitation and you better tell your lawyer that because if you want more then that’s when it’ll get ugly for you.”

“I realize that now,” he said, his voice shaky “I can’t change the past, but I want to be here for both of you moving forward. I want to prove to you that I’m committed to being a father.” he handed Jude back to her, who then cuddled into her neck as he fell back asleep instantly in her arms “I won’t let him or you down” “This is my lawyer’s email” she scribbled it down on a notepad “If you reach out , I’ll hear from him and he’ll handle the rest” He took the piece of paper and walked out of the room without another word being said. Seeing her was a feeling he thought he’d never have again, one that made him feel nervous all over. Just looking at Cece made his heart race, even if she did hate him now he still loved her and wanted her. She was his opposite, she balanced him out. She now had a piece of him. Even with things being better with Jacqueline he knew he had to make the toughest decision ever, one that could change his life forever but for Cece and now Jude he was willing to do it as long as he could make sure his two boys were okay first.

***************************

As soon as he left the room she put Jude back down and  took out her phone and called Nate “When the hell were you going to tell me the opposing team were the penguins ?”

“Cece I swear I didn’t even realize it” Nate said quickly “I’m so sorry, are you okay ?”

“Really you didn’t realize it ? You didn’t realize the team with the father of my child was gonna be in town to play your team  at the same time I was here visiting you ? Yeah I call bull” Cece snapped “How could you do this to me ? He saw me, he saw Jude and now I have to deal with lawyers and hope he doesn’t want custody. How could you do this to me ? I thought I could trust you ?”

“I didn’t even realize it” he said “I didn’t I swear, hockey was the last thing on my mind. All I cared about this whole month was seeing you and Jude again. You have to believe me”

“I don’t.” she answered “I don’t believe a word out of your mouth”

Nate rubbed his face “You should, I’ve never done you wrong Cece. I never told him where you were or that I still talked to you. I’ve been there for you, I’ve proven myself and just because Sidney lied to you doesn’t mean I will”

She let out a dry chuckle “How long have you been waiting to use that line ?”

“I….I didn’t mean it that way Cece” he whispered “You know me”

“No I thought I did Nate and like always I’m wrong. I never want to speak to you again” she said as she hung up on him

As soon as he heard that click he raced over to her hotel, he was sure he ran some red lights on the way but he was desperate. He stood in front of the hotel room door, heart racing as he watched Cece pack her things in a hurried frenzy. The tension in the air was thick, and he could see the hurt in her eyes.

“Cece, wait,” he said, his voice a mix of desperation and sadness

 She paused but didn’t turn to face him “Just let me go, Nate. I can’t do this right now,” she replied, her voice trembling.

“No,” he insisted, stepping closer. “You don’t understand. I can’t let you leave like this.”

She finally turned, frustration flashing across her features. “And what do you want me to do? Pretend everything is fine after that mess?”

Nate took a deep breath, steadying himself. “I want to be honest with you. I messed up, and I’m sorry. But I can’t keep pretending that I don’t care about you… and about Jude.”

Her eyes softened at the mention of her son, and he seized the moment to step closer. “I love you, Cece. I love you and Jude. I know I didn’t say it before, but I’ve realized it more and more every day. You both mean everything to me.”

For a moment, silence hung between them. Cece’s expression shifted, torn between anger and something deeper. “Nate, this isn’t just about you and me. It’s about Jude too. I can’t drag him into something that might hurt him.”

“I understand,” he said, his voice earnest. “But I promise you, I won’t hurt either of you. I want to be a part of your lives. I want to help you raise Jude. I want to be there for you, every step of the way.”

She looked down, biting her lip, and he could see the walls she’d built beginning to crack. “It’s complicated and it’s only going to be worse now with Sidney knowing”

“I know it is,” he replied, taking another step forward. “But I’ll be there, for you and for Jude. I’ll do whatever it takes to prove that I’m serious about this.”

Tears glistened in her eyes, and she finally met his gaze, vulnerability shining through. “I want to believe you, Nate I do but….but I need to be on my own”

“Just let me show you,” he said softly, reaching for her hand. “Please, just… don’t walk away.”

“I like you Nate, but I don’t know if I can love you” she whispered “But believe me when I say I want to so badly” “That’s good enough for me” he smiled softly as he pet her cheek, knowing he couldn’t kiss her “it’s all I ask for”

In that moment, she hesitated, the weight of his words hanging in the air. With a shaky breath, she reached up and kissed his cheek, a flicker of hope igniting inside of him while she just felt unsure. She knew who she loved deep down, but she also knew she was falling for Nate and wanted to love him so badly. She knew he was who she needed but he wasn’t who she wanted and that terrified her.

*A/N- if you read this, it’s so important to give feedback. I know you guys think likes are it but they’re not. Give feedback, interact, do something. If you’re new to this site learn how it works !!! Stop taking our content and not doing the bare minimum.

[black-lake]

2nd house profection year

it’s my 2nd house profection year and I’m noticing some changes in my life. < my 2nd house is in cancer for ref.

~༯ I’m eating more this year than ever tbh. like I started having comfort food!!! eating whatever I want whenever and not holding myself back as much, which is very unlike me btw. I have a virgo moon and I’m not just nitpicky but also strict with my diet, even tho I have a fast metabolism (aries stellium).

~༯ usually when I’m stressed I tend to starve myself or get over caffeinated but this year I’m leaning more towards eating for comfort < yes taurus core.

~༯ I started going to the gym again but I’d slack off and become uninterested and bored, then find it interesting again, but that could just be my gem rising.

~༯ It seems like life is more abundant. things come easier! there's less resistance. I’m able to slow down and smell the roses.. 𓇢𓆸  I even feel a bit too comfortable or stuck in my comfort zone. everything seems like it’s too much and I just want to enjoy life. ˖ ݁𖥔 ݁˖

~༯ I started buying flowers, planting flowers, decorating my house a lot more, got more perfumes, more beautiful things. currently as we speaking I have like 10 different types of flowers in my house. I started cooking more, I even made up recipes that my family liked and started making them regularly.

~༯ I’m taking care of my skin, my body, and overall health. I'm investing more in skincare and health supplements. though sometimes I overdue it, like get fixated on one thing or another.

~༯ I'm someone that used to have high energy, I'd pull an all nighter or just wake up at 3am scroll non stop or put music on, it wasn’t energy it was ⋆˙⟡ anxiety ⟡⋆˙ , but I'm having more quality sleep this year! I'm in bed by 10 and maybe I just got older, but there's that.

~༯ giving my hair a well deserved break!! I used do dye my hair very often, this year I got a short haircut and I’m growing my natural hair back, I’ve only added a few subtle highlights and I don’t style it as often. I'm embracing more simplicity with my style, though could be that my ass got lazy 𐙚(ᵕ̤ᴗᵕ̤)

~༯ I'm planing more, working on my skills and hobbies, but not rushing or forcing things and not setting high expectations either. I don't feel like there's a rush like before. my values are changing significantly, I know what I like and don’t like and what I can put up with.

~༯ don't get too comfortable and not do anything about moving forward bcz you will be tempted to. remember to still challenge yourself!

~༯ I’m having a relatively comfortable year it got me having flashbacks of my 12th house profection year which was a fckin nightmare. It was all about the subconscious, mental health struggles, depression and overcoming these things. It really was about coming up with personified methods that help me deal with these internal conflict so I can move forward. It also was the year I became more spiritual.

~༯ my 1st house profection year wasn’t good either for me personally, it was super challenging and chaotic. it had me doing things outside my comfort zone. e.g. throwing myself in the ocean (i'm afraid of drowning). my individuality was constantly tested, my determination, my willingness to put myself first and not compromise my own needs and values.

~༯ there were instances where I felt like I'm compromising for the sake of keeping a friendship, which wasn’t reciprocated. I learned to not be afraid to walk away from ppl and places that don’t respect or value me. my cut off game wasn't particularly bad before, but I felt blinded, manipulated and pressured that year, I had to fully trust myself and only rely on myself. very much aries themes. 

~༯ If you're going thRU it with your 12th or 1st house profection, know that it will teach you valuable lessons that lead you to know yourself and love yourself more. you will understand your triggers, your strengths, know who your enemies and true friends are. it gets better! this feels like the perfect year to take a break from all the past challenges that I went through, I'm able to slow down, enjoy life and reflect until I see where the next tides takes me. 

stay blessed, much luv <333

[genderstarbucks]

I just finished superstore

And oh my god

This is just my autism ranting so it's probably gonna be all over the place, also it's long lol

Spoilers below!! Ik you said you've been planning to watch it Bug

I'm glad Amy and Jonah got their happy ending but dude 😭

She did him so dirty

He was there for the birth of her child, helped her raise that child, lived with her, offered to move to California with her and she still decided she didn't wanna marry him 😭 GIRL WHAT MORE COULD YOU WANT

I just feel like she toyed with his emotions a lot, like she kissed him and THEN told him she was pregnant

Before he even knew her name he put glow in the dark stars all over the ceiling just to make her happy

Throughout season 6 you can just really tell he's on edge, he's pissed off and for a good reason too

I'm happy everyone eventually got their happy ending tho, I'm sad that we didn't get to see what Garrett went on to do after Cloud9 closed down BUT I'm glad the writers at least gave us an answer to that (working at a GameStop)

I love that Glenn got to reopen his dad's store with Mateo and Cheyenne working with him, I felt so bad for him seeing his dad's store get bought out by Cloud9 but I'm so happy he got to bring it back

Dina being the manager of the fulfillment center really suits her, I remember watching the episode where she was trying to figure out what she wanted to do after Cloud9 but she could never figure out what she wanted to do

It's so funny how Dina and Garrett started out as just fuck buddies but then actually got into a relationship, they both deserve that happiness together

I loved watching Glenn and Dina's friendship grow over the series, girl fucking hated him but then they eventually became managers together

Amy and Jonah really made something of themselves, they both got great careers, are raising Parker together and then omg they had a child together 😭 HE'S A DILF

Elias turning out to be the guy putting severed feet everywhere isn't surprising but it is really funny

The side characters were so great too

Justine was annoying but she's really funny, I also love Sayid

Brett never said anything but he's great I love hin

Sandra starting out as this poor, sad woman who nobody liked and then getting married, adopting a child and then becoming assistant manager of the fulfillment center 😭 you go girl, not to mention the drama between her and Carol

Superstore doesn't have very many moments that make me cry, but when they do they make me BAWL

Like Amy and Jonah's break up and Mateo being taken away by ICE 😭 the scene where they're all watching their job interviews from years ago definitely made me cry the most

Marcus was so funny I love him, bro lowkey had a crush on Jonah too that's gay as hell and I'm here for it

I love Mateo and Cheyenne's friendship, a teen girl and her gay best friend what more could you want

Amy being a mother figure to Cheyenne is so wholesome, sometimes she could be too overbearing but tbh it's somewhat understandable cuz she didn't want Cheyenne to go through the same things she did omg 😭

I've seen a lot of people hate Mateo but honestly I liked him, he was kinda a bitch at times but he was still really funny and I'm happy for him that he found someone and got a good job

Garrett is one of my favorites, he's sarcastic and he says the funniest shit, I loved him and Jonah's friendship together

I love Glenn, he's religious but he's not a bigot. He's the dad that tries and I love that about him. It fills my heart with joy knowing that he framed that picture of him, his foster kids and Jonah 😭 he has so many dad moments

I do not really care for Amy at all honestly, sometimes I would like her and sometimes I would hate her, it just depends on the episode

Dina was great, she was a great contrast to Glenn

Jonah is my favorite and I love him

He's just a sad little meow meow

He's so awkward, that man is autistic and you can't tell me otherwise

He fucks up sometimes but he tries to make it up to whoever whenever he does

He tries so hard and I love that about him, he doesn't know when he needs to stop talking like bro just keeps on going and it's so cute

I love the thing he does with his hands omg 😭

One final thing, I love that many of the actors end up in Ghosts it makes me happy

[azrielsbxtch]

I’ve had more time to sit with HOFAS so here are things I loved and things that bugged me.

THINGS I LOVED

AZRIEL AND NESTA - Where to even begin. Their relationship and friendship is EVERYTHING. I'm so glad SJM chose to highlight both of them for the ACOTAR part because their chemistry is everything. I can't wait for more in ACOTAR 5

AZRIEL - Every new thing we learned about Azriel had me screeching. It's so clear SJM is setting him up for the next book. Every scene he appeared in I was obsessed! Finding out about truthteller, him being protective of his mom, him interacting with music, him being all hot and threatening....this bat has me in a chokehold I swear.

THE LORE - All the new information we got about Prythian and Midgard is so interesting. I wish I was a theories person because there's so much to theorize about!

RUHNLIDIA - They served in this book omg. When Ruhn was like "this is my first mission with my girlfriend I want to impress her" I almost threw my phone I'm not even kidding. They are so cute🥹✨✨

HUNT - I still feel like I need more Hunt. He's such a sweetheart and was truly a highlight for me in this book. I love him so much and I was totally rooting for him to fry Celestina.

THINGS THAT BUGGED ME

Ruhn and Lidia’s mate announcement. I knew Ruhn and Lidia would be mates from HOSAB so I was only waiting for confirmation but the way it was written threw me off. Ruhn just said it out of nowhere and to…of all people…Pollux….like what? Why? Idk it could have been more emotional.

Ariadne- I don’t understand the point of introducing this new character only to do NOTHING with her. I shipped her and Flynn sooo much. The way she was introduced in the beginning of the book had me so hyped only for her to disappear. Like imagine a dragon marching with the armies of Hel when they fought the Asteri…

Sigrid - That entire plotline felt useless to me. She was set up to be this hope for the wolves and it all amounted to nothing. So why did we waste so much time on her. I enjoyed Ithan’s chapters because I really like him. But from an objective point of view…most of what SJM made him do didn’t make sense. If she wanted him to become Prime (which I loved btw) she didn’t need to waste all that time on Sigrid and her resurrection only for her to join Sabine the person she’s supposed to hate and then disappear.

Tharion and Sathia - No…just no…..

Bryce ignoring Hunt’s trauma - She did it in HOSAB but again and on a larger scale in HOFAS. Everytime Hunt brought up his fears (understandable because he has now faced the Asteri twice and suffered insane consequences) Bryce just got angry and put him in such a bad position. She made it look like he didn’t want to support her when he has very valid reasons to be afraid. After what he went through the first time in the Asteri dungeons for years and then again! I’m surprised he didn’t break down even more tbh. His feelings were so valid.

Bryce - SJM tried to do the “Aelin is always two steps ahead” thing with Bryce but honestly it didn’t work. A lot of the times I was side eyeing and was like “that’s convenient” Bryce was guessing a lot of times so that whole thing just didn’t work.

The plot was all over the place. The book really didn’t flow well.

[jnnul]

helloooo!! ❤️ can i request some headcanons for jisungs (nct) first relationship? like how would he act, how would he show affection etc etc :))) i really loved your “things he reminds me of’” post, it was so cute and the jisung hickey part made me wonder what his first relationship would be like ☺️☺️ thank you!!

a/n: hihi! thank u so much for requesting (and for the love, mwah) <3 i hope you like this little word vomit lol :) [ps. i hope ur ok w me putting nsfw content at the end - lmk if u want me to publish a version w/o the nsfw at all]

tags: fluff, headcanons of jisung being a frat boi pledge oops, i'm realizing how unfortunately realistic i feel like i portray these boys, tw: nsfw content (mentions of handjobs, giving head)

word count: 1k

gif credits: @chenleemark

jisung's first relationship would be...

surprisingly normal

i feel like a lot of people headcanon jisung as a shy, flustered almost mousey person

and i can see why (jwisung)

but i think that that image is something that was carefully and deliberately crafted (and perhaps something that he eventually grow into a little more)

SO, i feel like this is rlly controversial, i feel like in jisung's first relationship, he would be kinda just frat boi af

like you know that vibe that pledges in a frat have, where they think they're hot shit bc they're 'in a frat' and then they realize that they're a...pledge. like they're at the bottom of the food chain

that's so american i'm so sorry

but that's vibes he gives me

i feel like in his first relationship, he thinks he knows everything. like he thinks he is the king of relationships and he thinks he is the Ultimate Boyfriend (even tho he cringes a little when he hears the word boyfriend irl)

but he's not

it's his first relationship

and i feel like there would be a lot. to unpack.

for example! jisung would constantly be running away in a relationship

especially for the first time that he's in a relationship, you constantly have to chase after him and hope that he's finally gonna open up to you

jisung just has so many layers

as a person

that every time you think you've finally cracked him, he does a 180 on you and gives you a whole new personality to deal with

bc jisung just doesn't do traditional romance

he kinda doesn't understand it but he's also such a romantic that when it comes to real life and when he realizes that real life is a lot messier than romance novels, he just kinda freezes

like he knows you're his s/o but not his S/O™️ if that makes sense

so he'd kinda just act like you're his bestie (that he likes to make out with) until he finally starts to open up and unravel his feelings

jisung's first relationship is a lot of navigating between his mood swings of "I Am The Only Boyfriend. I am God." and "fuck bro i just like to have sex w you and talk abt deep shit"

before he finally realizes that he is not, in fact, god. and that bro is not romantic but he gets away w it bc you're chill like that

he would grow a lot in a relationship fosho

he learns to expand his world from the world in his head to one where you're in it too

jisung would just greet you with a super steamy kiss (bc istg i don't care if this is his first relationship, i just know he's a good kisser) and then ask you if his hat was fly enough to wear in the dance practice video

that's just how he works tbh

but jisung is very observant

for all of his interesting habits, jisung will pick up in 30 seconds flat if smth abt you is off

whether he shows it or not, he pays a lot of attention to you and your habits and will literally sit down for hours and analyze if you hated his guts and wanted to break up w him if you said hi a half note lower than you usually did

and oftentimes, he would be right

i mean obviously, you don't hate his guts and you definitely didn't want to break up w him

but if you were having a bad day, no matter how well you concealed it, jisung would know

i feel like that's the one thing that keeps him being a good boyfriend in the beginning of the relationship

he's so good at reading body language and looking at small details that he never fails to pick up on slight changes

almost to the extent where you think he's reading your mind

but on the flipside jisung is hard to read at first

like i said, he's just got so much going on in his head that you're almost unsure which side of jisung you're dealing w

but as you guys mature together, he definitely opens up a lot more and you're able to read him almost as well as he reads you

NSFW CONTENT BELOW.

but beyond just in your sfw relationship, jisung would be equally attentive in the bedroom

i feel like jisung is a more experimental person than ppl realize

like he truly enjoys pleasureful experiences and he will watch your every microexpression to make sure you're having as much fun as he is

that being said

i think jisung is more of a receiver than a giver

but not by much

like a 60 - 40 split

and the main advantage comes with handjobs

idk what it is abt them

but i feel like jisung would find out very early into the relationships that he rlly likes handjobs

his first relationship is full of exploring himself and what he enjoys as well as exploring you(r body) and what you enjoy

and handjobs are the one thing that he just cannot resist every single time

whenever you rlly give him a good one, LORD KNOWS that he will be going down on you and giving you the head you deserve

bc i feel like jisung wouldn't have too much control over his body in his first relationship, he would probably cum a lot sooner than he would like

and he hates cumming before you - whether it be for an ego reason or bc he feels guilty that he feels good and you don't, he just doesn't like it

so he learns to give good head (and i mean good head. like i would tie him with mark as the top head givers in nct dream) so that he can bring you right to the edge w him and you can cum together

overall, just a very interesting and growth filled experience where jisung and you both learn to love and grow together <3

[theflagscene]

Let’s talk about Mr. Keng

There’s something I found really odd about the interactions between Non and Keng, besides the whole fucking each other thing. I’m not downplaying the misuse of power and the inherent wrongness of the teacher/student relationship here, but I am used to seeing it over the years in queer media so I wasn’t shocked by it tbh. I don’t know why but there are a lot of queer media over the many years I’ve been watching it that seem to pair an exceptional student with a teacher, or even adults with barely legal teenagers. It’s some weird taboo in queer media and I honestly think it’s because of how common age gap relationships are in the queer community, but we’re not here to dissect that.

So going back to Mr. Keng’s interaction with Non, in episode five, six and seven. It’s clear that he zeros in on Non’s exceptionality, the only student to actually understand his question and Non was barely paying attention. Mr. Keng’s interest was piqued right then and there, and my first thought was that they were going to make him a total creep. Which they seemed to be leaning toward when he put special interest in Non, then in episode six we get Non breaking down and finally admitting to him what was going on and why he needed the money. Mr. Keng offering the money so readily also made it seem again that he was a creep, it was a clear grooming tactic. Making Non feel like he owed him something without Keng even having to say; you owe me.

You could say that Non was a willing participant in their first sexual encounter as he was the one who went in for the more passionate kiss, but again that is what grooming does. And while yes Non is sexually active, he’s 16/17 at the most, sleeping with Phee is completely different. Phee is older by less than a year considering he finished off 12th grade with the other boys after Non ‘disappeared’. Being able to consent to sex with an equal is completely different than ‘consenting’ to having sex with someone who should know that what they’re doing is not right!

Moving onto episode seven, there’s a new level to Keng, he’s working to bring down the illegal gambling ring with an undercover reporter. So he’s just using Non, right? He found out what Non was into and saw it as an opportunity to get names and information, so he’s a groomer and a manipulative liar. Great, send this fucker straight to hell!

What I found interesting though was that by the end of episode seven, we find him comforting Non about the video, Non sobbing in his arms and Keng reassures him that things will be okay. That… doesn’t seem like the reaction of a man who’s just found out that his entire career might be over, that he could very well face jail time. There was no blame, no anger directed at Non, just concern. And then Phee showed up, he attacked Keng, rather violently if the bruises on JJ’s back are anything to go by. Phee kept telling Keng to leave, to fuck off, to just go! He kept shoving him into chairs and walls, but Keng never once left. He stayed there, quietly, not trusting Phee to be alone with Non.

And after Phee broke up with Non, telling him to go die, Non has a full blown breakdown. He’s screaming, sobbing hysterically, hitting himself. What does Keng do? He gets down onto the floor and he grabs Non, stops him from hurting himself, shushes him, holds him, comforts him, rocks the sobbing teen in his arms. None of these things seem to be the action of a person who doesn’t care. Am I saying Mr. Keng is in the right? No! Absolutely not! The dude is a creep, he did terrible things and never should’ve done the things he did. But what I was hit with was that it seemed like Mr. Keng—in his own weird way—actually did genuinely care about Non and his wellbeing.

It was very odd to see, because for the previous two episodes there was a very clear set up of how you’re supposed to see him, how you’re supposed to view his interactions with Non. Then by the end of episode seven, he’s caring and concerned and refuses to leave Non in his moment of need even as Phee demands that he does. I think Keng genuinely liked Non, in his own weird highly illegal way. So it’ll be interesting to see who exactly kills him (my money is on Phee or Jin) and if he repents whatsoever or doubles down on his claim that he actually did like Non, as both a student but a lover.

[manstrans]

Pregnant trans masc anon back again and coming off of anon because... Well, why not?

I just saw the other anons you got about my ask saying that pregnancy is always feminine or whatever bullshit. And I want it to be known:

Being pregnant was the most masculine I have ever felt. Never in my life have I felt stronger. Never in my life have I felt more connected to my body. Being pregnant helped me learn to love my body in a way I never have before. The parts I resented had a purpose: to care for, to nourish, and to protect my kid.

There's lots of cishet normative garbage in the world about what it means to be a dad. But being the partner to carry and birth our child? To me that is peak fatherdom. All of the things a father, a dad, is supposed to be - the provider, the protector, the solid ground in which to seek refuge - I got to be from day one. And because of all the garbage people have thrown at me because I am a masculine person who got pregnant, I know that I did the most fatherly thing I could do: I put the needs of my child and my family first. I let my transition take a backseat for almost 2 years so my wife and I could finally have a family after years of trying.

So fuck anyone who wants to make me feel like being pregnant isn't masculine. Pregnancy is only feminine because of cisnormative bullshit. And if being queer for as long as I have has taught me anything it's that societal ideas of masculinity and femininity really mean nothing once you break them down. Anyone can be anything. Anything can be masculine or feminine.

I am a trans masculine person who is sometimes a man. I am a husband. I am a father. And I am so tired of people refusing to question the ideas they've inherited from cishet society. Acceptance of what has always been is a problem queer people have been fighting for as long as society has hated queer people. And maintaining societal ideas that work to silence some or render them invisible is not going to get us, as queer people, anywhere. Maybe it's because I'm considered old now, but I've given up trying to fit into a box that was not made for me. Because, at the end of the day, the people who are going to hate queer people and want to erase us aren't going to stop just because we squeeze into ill-fitting labels they built. Claim whatever labels you want. Feel as much or as little of that label that is comfortable for you. But don't tell others that their understanding of that label or how it fits them is wrong.

I'm sorry for getting angry at your anons and sending you an essay. But I'm coming off of anon, so perhaps they'll come directly to my askbox if they want to make claims about pregnant masculine people.

^^^^^

also I think being angry is justified here tbh

[dani-ya-dig]

Ok now that I’m fully awake. It’s time try and organize my thoughts on that audio oh my god.

Also trigger warning for mentions of suicide under the cut

That’s actually the first thing I wanna talk about, and is the only gripe I have with the entire video. Why the fuck wasn’t mentions of suicide tagged in the description??

Like I understand the concept wasn’t dwelled on and Sam didn’t outright say “I’m gonna fucking kill myself” but he PRETTY EXPLICITLY talked about how he planned to commit suicide even if he didn’t say those words. idk “chosen morality” doesn’t seem like the right warning for that? I’m not gonna complain abt it like too much, I just was a little confused on why it wasn’t tagged.

But anyways onto my jumbled up thoughts about the actual audio! Because as a member of the Sam Collins fandom, I have thoughttsssssss!!

THIS AUDIO MADE ME SOB! I couldn’t sleep because of how sad I was over it. Sam and Darlin need to be happy just for fucking ONCE, god give them a BREAKKKKKK.

The idea of them just silently holding each other on their roof with the night sky above them, a few tears probably falling from both of them. IM DUHXSJDIJFDJFHFHJ

AND MOTHERFUCKER THE VIDEO ENDING ON “Brown. My eyes were brown” I FELL TO THE FLOOR SHUT THE FUCK UP!

On a happier note about that, I KNEW Sam’s eyes were brown. I feel like almost everyone did tbh. I’ll tell you what gave it away though, the gentle way he says “please” to Darlin in some of his audios. Automatically gave it away that he would have had the biggest brown puppy dog eyes you have ever seen in your life. I’m physically sick over it, it’s not even funny.

Now back to the thing I desperately don’t wanna think about. Sam telling Darlin that he wasn’t planning on living forever.

That’s where the dam broke for me, I started bawling. It totally makes sense, I get it and I can’t say that it’s not a choice that makes sense given that Sam never wanted to be a vampire in the first place.

Do y’all think that he was planning to watch the sunrise on his roof? Because that was my first thought and it hurt real bad. Sam finally getting to feel the sunlight after so many years of having been deprived of it, only to be ash when the sun was fully in the sky.

Also I know damn well he probably would have done it after Darlin died and that’s what hurts so bad. If Darlin chose to be a vampire I think he would happily spend however long their eternity would be by their side, but once they were gone he probably wouldn’t feel a reason to stay. Especially because if Darlin turned into a vampire the two of them probably would have completely pulled away from all mortals before that would happen.

On that note, I don’t think Darlin is gonna want to be turned. I never really thought they would, unless they were under very specific circumstances. Sam telling them to spend time in their wolf form and with their pack before deciding solidified that for me 100%. I don’t think they would be able to lose their wolf which we know is a pretty big part of shifters, talking from Milo’s audio where he breaks down worried he was never going to be able to shift again. I don’t think they would be okay with the idea of watching their friends, and their family all start to wither away and eventually die while they remain.

Now, do I think Darlin is going to want to be turned? No. Do I think the dynamic of Darlin choosing to remain mortal opens a lot of really good angst possibilities? Yes. Do I fully trust Erik to not turn them anyways? Not really no.

If I had to put a bet in for how it would happen if Darlin got turned, it would be by Quinn. Quinn would find out or catch wind of the fact that they chose not to be turned (if he didn’t already know they would chose that) and turn them anyways just to hurt them.

(I think Alexis turning them is an interesting idea to think about, from any angle but I highly doubt that’s gonna happen lmao)

All in all I genuinely think that was the only audio that has affected me that much (aside from maybe listening to the inversion for the first time??)

[manic-sapphic]

~~absolutely love that adora kinda looks insulted when she demands prime let catra go and his response is "i'll give her to you - if you want her.."

i hear the look on her face saying "oooh you mf'er how dare you - ofc i want this btch why else would i be here ?? i want her and only her tbh - (i just don't know it yet but i will def doomslay ur entire flagship if u don't gimme this kitty fr")

- (every time i watch catra hold herself, just tryna keep from falling apart - i fall apart. just a teeny tiny bit. itty bitty shred of my jagged stone heart chips off, but idc tho - she's worth it <3)

( also - the way adora tries to stand but her legs give way beneath her is just another addition to the list of reasons it's all so heart breakingly gut wrenching [yee i combo'd the phrases - it feels warranted fr] cause the fact she can't stand tells the audience she's gotta be in a lot of pain too that is only healed after she suddenly transforms- and she's ignoring that pain, so focused on catra that we don't even see her react to it aside from being unable to stand.. damnit adora <3 )

~~sooo the promise moment really is just - ahhh. gets to me. i read it as this unspoken question that catra knows she doesn't need to explain - she just needs to say one word and knows adora will understand what she's truly asking -

"promise?" - i read this as catra not just asking if adora promises to take her home - but asking for a much deeper, broader hope of reinstating their first promise. to stick together and look out for each other.

a promise that was broken by both of them tbh but at this point catra decided to keep it for what she figured would be her last chance to do so in corridors, and then here in save the cat adora comes back and holds up her side of their promise as well.

after all that time apart as enemies, they each risked their lives and more and fulfilled a promise that seemed long forgotten. and i see catra here as putting forth a desperate, hopeful plea to agree on renewing that promise for good- and not just taking her home, but acknowledging that what home really means is the two of them staying together, no matter what.

and without hesitation, adora replies, "i promise."

she understands what catra's really asking; imo there are so many words that pass between them during and just after save the cat that are never actually said - thank you's and apologies and explanations that they mutually recognize and know the other feels and genuinely means w/o ever needing to make each other say it.

mistakes were made on both sides & they've both realized by then that sticking together was and always had been what they needed to do, cause they were finally starting to admit to themselves that what they both really needed all along, more than anything else, was each other. <3

ps i thought i'd tack on my previous rant about adora choosing to jump down after catra in save the cat cause that moment makes my heart implode every time~

(& cause when she does that - it's her keeping the promise that she had just restored. it's her determined refusal to ever, ever break it again - no matter what. even if it kills her - just like catra in the finale, fighting the monster and refusing to leave when adora tells her to. these lovelies would much rather die w each other than live without the other - and they definitely figure that out the hard way, but the only thing that really matters is that they do figure it out~~)

---jump in save the cat rant---

when adora chooses to jump down after catra, the fact that she is, innately, she-ra is still something adora has almost no clue of whatsoever. her expression lingers in the frame just before she throws herself down after catra, recalling the fixed look of equally determined resolve we see on catra’s own face in corridors when the decision to save glimmer (and, yes, most importantly to catra, save adora by extension) is cemented in her mind; a decision catra makes, mind you, not expecting to survive it. and imo, same goes for adora & this moment in save the cat.

adora chooses to follow catra into the darkness, despite her currently regarding her connection to she-ra as gone and having no expectation of manifesting the nearly invincible power she could rely on from being she-ra in the past (and therefore lacking any way to heal catra, even if she could get them both to safety, there’s no way she’s unaware that catra’s body is pretty much guaranteed to be broken beyond repair after the shock her nervous system got from prime when disabling the chip, coupled with the long fall.)

and to me - the most poignant thing this tells the audience about adora making this choice is that she didn’t leap down after catra because she was clinging to the hope that, somehow, she could still save her.

instead, she willingly fell to depths unknown, the landing completely obscured by shadows that she just watched consume catra, simply because she knew that catra would be down there all on her own, and there was absolutely no fucking way that adora wasn’t going to make damn sure she was there to hold her. even if that meant jumping after her and possibly dying down there together. it just meant that much to adora for catra not to have to face the end alone... i mean, wtf dude, it's jaw-dropping in the best way ever <3

[astralleywright]

oh yeah I totally understand why the crossovers happened and don't begrudge the cast or anyone for being excited about it - as much as it stings for me, personally, to see bh be defined for so long by their race to this endgame only to end up sharing it in such a massive way lmao. as a c3-only viewer (for now?), I could have made my peace with feeling a bit like I'm on the outside looking in in terms of plot and worlbuilding, but it is sad that bh themselves have been put in that position in the midst of all the Important Characters™ conversations.

as you say, it makes sense narratively…and by now we all know the narrative has been eating bh alive from the start. it's been going on way before the crossover episodes happened, it was basically baked into them and into the campaign in a way that - again, as I understand it - just wasn't there in the previous one. bh literally started out with an explicit personal connection, in a position of servitude, to a previous pc (and this really isn't meant as a dig to orym, it's just what his job was/is!), so that was obviously going to color their interactions with the world and the other characters.

I definetly don't want a big ass pvp fight or convo to take up anymore focus from bh, but in a way it does feel like it's too late? if the choice was made to not sacrifice the realism of the previous parties showing up (which I think/hope most people would have 'forgiven', given the nature of this storytelling), then sadly it makes a bit too much sense for those parties to also look down on bh and, as so many seem to want, punish them or whatever. I don't want to see that and don't think we will - I would be actively upset if that happened! - but emotionally it does feel like the narrative would lead to proving those people right :/

if bh just /had/ to share the spotlight, as they have been doing forever, I so wish the circumstances allowed us to just get back to the people they have built a connection with…they might not have a lot of npcs to call their own, but I def would've loved for the guests pcs to show up!

sorry for the long ask - I guess it's no use being sad about all of this, especially now, but I still am lmao. bh really invented new and exciting ways of being doomed and rejected by the narrative <3

at the end of the day I support them making bonkers choices, they're gonna end up carving an eight-room cottage out of moon crystals and taking turns taking predagen on little walks to nibble on gods to keep them humble

it turns out i don't have a super long answer to this ask other than yeah, i agree. i do have hope we won't just wrap this shit up after whatever shakes out with Predathogen (i'm now rooting at her getting to bite at the god's ankles forever, as a treat) but will fake some time to explore the quencies and the rammies of BH's decision. (which is what Matt seems to be suggesting we'll do).

and Ludinus is still out there maybe! tbh if they do get rid of the gods he might just peace out Yoda-style, bc that was his life's purpose and all, but if not there are many people who would like another round of beating up that old man. so idk maybe we'll do that? (that feels more like a oneshot thing if i'm being honest)

but even so i don't think you have to worry about interparty pvp breaking out over whatever BH decides. it isn't nearly as prominent in C3 since we mainly see Keyleth in an official, leaderly capacity, but she actually had major beef with the gods in C1-mainly the Matron, but she was also cynical abt them and their whole deal in general. she might have libbed out in the 30 years since but i still don't think she'll be too upset, if it all ends well. especially in private lmao. and the most religious person in VM is Pike, and Pike is a sweetie who has a whole arc in TLOVM abt her questioning her god and finding the power inside her all along so like. it'll be fine. certain people in the M9 might be pissed but i think the other members (ironically, probably the two clerics) would talk them down. they might get disinvited from Jester's wedding though (which is a shame because Ludinus definitely has an invite)

and i do think it's fair to be sad about all of this! i'm sad abt a lot of how BH's endgame has shook out as well! but yeah, there's nothing really to do with that sadness except feel it and then let it go. i mean, we could spend days on end in a negative spiral making a million posts abt every problem we have with c3. if we wanted to get unhealthy about it.