#breaking this down made me really put a lot of understanding to things tbh

[dxxtruction]

I do wish there was a bit more good faith discussion to talk about the phenomenology of IWTV vampires as vampires and how being a vampire does affect one's conscious understanding of their own world. It's a drastic point of view shift from being human.

Things such as:

Their baseline for the violence needed to survive starts at drinking blood to live, and most beneficially by killing humans. Which they also once were. It can really only go up from there.

Not getting blood in the beneficial way can be likened to an eating disorder based on being hung up on the morality of your own survival.

Escalation to inhuman levels of violence is something that's comprehensible to think of, since it's possible to do to someone else, or yourself, and to some minds it's hardly of any consequence or difference.

Question of what to do with one's immortality when stuck in this necessitation for violence. Occupying all that time. Confronting vampiric existentialism. Doing what one can to not be driven mad or disparaging by it.

In living forever all such violence risks becoming inconsequential to the conscious mind in how you outlive all of its importance. If not because of death taking it, then because time will simply weather it away. For the same reasons most things can end up carrying very little significance. Making one increasingly apathetic or nihilistic.

Because of above, enacting laws with consequence, even of death, naturally leads to some not really caring about them. Making them more useful as a means of power, threat, or as a way of committing suicide, than as something morally binding. If used in moral ways at all.

Those who survive the longest have to necessarily take on being okay with a level of violence that is incomprehensible to human scales. Necessitating that often the most violent, or accepting of violence, tend to become those who withstand the test of time.

Those fitting into this category extends fairly naturally towards walks of those accepting of or that act out other forms of immorality, dehumanization, and antisocial behaviors.

Your community is small and made up of violent killers. Developing paranoia or hostility towards violent killers is self preservation. You are also a violent killer, and take any hostility towards your person as an offense or threat. Without some kind of love, compassion, or trust in the mix, your community would quickly destroy itself.

Because of above vampires enter to greater degrees unfulfilling, pragmatic, or socially contractual relations with others they may dislike, or be indifferent to, and often might resolve interpersonal issues with fake shows of affection or remorse.

If you do happen to find a real relationship, the violence you enact out in order to survive can't ever enter into that relationship, without it becoming abusive. But the lines between those two can blur easily when you consider again how nurtured one has to be into violence to begin with.

Survival instincts look different based on their background for survival. And surviving as a vampire takes on different concerns for safety and endurance. How you survived being human is how you'd think to survive as a vampire, and those who had very little to survive through would lack a level of survival skills necessary to take on this kind of life.

Once you've seen a bunch of how this life is going to be you tend to take on a level of 'this is just how things are'. Since they can't place themselves in time, they can't place themselves properly in a forward progression. Those who last tend to develop a superiority on how to last through this the right way, or make judgments on who will or should be allowed to.

To make a vampire at all you have to actually decide on this last statement that there is anyone deserving of this life, and that it's a life one deserves.

You are stuck always in the bodily age of when you died. General feelings of stuckness are encompassing, as you're bound by your immortality, and often can only survive through those who are in it with you. Anyone and anything you knew in mortal life will be gone one day, and what you're left with are only those of your own kind.

In having such a substantially focused relationship to violence. One has to always make a hyper-conscious effort not to be violent, for the wrong reasons. Or just simply have a good conscience about such things. (some combination of the two)

One's life and culture as a human bleeds into who they are as a vampire. Even in rejecting humanity completely, they carry those ideas and understandings around with them. Including prejudices, ideologies, and sensibilities. Vampires lack a distinctly separate culture from that of humans, and instead live alongside it at perpetual outsiders. Only loosely being effected by it, and able to choose removing oneself entirely if they're white, or otherwise not subject to prejudice based on appearance. Vampiric alienation and loneliness is perhaps fairly common, and at a certain point this outside position lends indifference about the human condition and whats happening in the world.

Due to this, certain cultural shifts might take far longer to ever reach vampires, than it would in our naturally generative, and transformative human society.

Due to this as well though certain human hold ups about things such as homosexuality aren't very present in vampires.

The more vampiric you are the more it puts you into the throes of violence, while falling back into your humanity puts you at face with the qualms of your own morality.

Vampires have to find some way of justifying this existence has true worth to it despite such violence, and what it's done to their life, or simply abandon all sense of such morality, or care. Otherwise this fact of violence, and reminders of it, drive them to the flames or otherwise an all consuming resentment of all this.

The only ways you can die is suicide and being killed.

In trying to bring greater meaning to your violence you end up making a spectacle about it. Which fosters a manner of self importance, and egotism, about being violent. Or equally making it into a performance or ritualism.

BDSM is arguably a great way to contend with the fact you are violent, or can be subject to violence, in a controlled and consensual setting. It can be almost therapeutic, like taking power back from all the violence you can't control.

These sorts of things are interesting to think on when you don't have someone else making it apologia for abuse and egregious acts of violence. Because while they are violent by nature, they don't lack a consciousness about it. They have minds which can actively choose not to be violent, choose different paths to violence, etc. They're able to make decisions, and regret those decisions. And also, just like anyone in community with others, or in respect to themselves, have good reason not to be. They may possess inhuman abilities and understandings, but they don't possess inhuman feelings and are capable of being physically, emotionally, and mentally harmed or harmful.

And actually, given the fact they can take this to vampiric scales, is by scale, worse, not somehow made diminished by fact one can come easily to a conscious idea nothing has any real consequences when confronting one's own immortality. This inconsequentialness is a lacking and false understanding of immortality anyway.

Immortality can equally be about a constant uplifting of the present and future into something better, confronting their own impact on the world and those in it to generate some new way of living as a vampire, as opposed to stagnation, or depravity into cycles, and pits, of unnecessary and avoidable violence. Or just inevitable boredom.

A lot of those within this vampiric culture, don't necessarily foster well a society dedicated toward being as non-violent as possible. (I account for all forms of necessary violence, like self defense, as being non-violent.) Some might even find such an idea they could move in the direction of non-violence to be self hating. But the very fact they can be non-violent, choose that, and separate that for compassion, and love, and righteousness means their consequences and morality do end up mattering necessarily. If there's choice in that there's a way to effect things. An upstanding vampire, who's not just surviving through this, would have to dedicate themselves to consequences and morality as a good in itself, I'd think, to do right by others and themselves. To not give in to evil/violence as their only true condition. And somehow synthesize that information with how they can never be moral by a humanist standard, but those such standards are by nature more moral than their own. They can't fall into vampiric exceptionalism, but do have to accept the fact of themselves as vampires has special other conditions to it.

[cfr749]

Initial Thoughts on Chenford in 6x07

All right... I'm feeling... a lot at the moment, so just sharing my initial reactions before seeing anyone else's. I'm sure my feelings will evolve. Also this turned into a GD essay and I'm sorry.

The Good

Grey acknowledging that Lucy was going through a lot ABOVE & BEYOND the break up. I just wish he'd mentioned the shooting, too. Lucy deserves to be more than her relationship with Tim and I need to actually see that in the future.

Lucy laying out 2 key things in her conversation with Grey - how easily Tim walked away and that he had no right to make that decision for her

Prior to the last scene (see The Ugly below), I thought Tim's interactions with the therapist were reasonably well done; if only therapy was that easy in real life lol

"You've always got a home with me" - I loved this final scene between Lucy and Tamara. I don't really have feelings either way about Tamara at this point, and this still hit me right in the heart.

Smitty's poll made me laugh, but also another solid indicator that these writers / producers do in fact really enjoy laughing at the expense of the fandom and shippers (which, whatever, I don't care that they do, I'd prob do the same; but it does irk me when people act like these writers should be worshipped because of all the things they "give" us)

The Tim

"I'm not depressed. I broke up with her."

"I was her TO." Not her friend, cuz god knows Tim has yet to deal with the fact that he started banging his former Rookie I suppose.

I dunno whether to put this in The Good or The Bad at this point; it depends on where they take it, so instead Tim gets a section all about why he's a dick.

To be clear, I do not like that Tim is a dick. But I actually do kind of like that it is very clear TO THE AUDIENCE that Tim is being kind of a dick. Do I still think people will bend over backwards to defend him? Of course they will.

From my perspective, I love Tim, I understand that he thinks he's doing the right thing, and has lots and lots of trauma. I've never seen Tim as a character that magically healed at some point between Seasons 1 & 5 (please see his storyline with his dad, his ongoing issues with UC work and unwillingness to confront or deal with them, his feelings about therapy historically, his inability to dump Ashley, etc. etc.). He's never been perfect and he doesn't need to be.

All of those things are true. None of those things give him a free pass to be kind of a dick. He still has to take accountability for how he treated Lucy (which, to be clear, was like sh*t).

The Bad

Lucy being petty AF with the invites to Tamara's dinner - let her be ANGRY, but give me villain Lucy over this dumb sh*t.

Lucy having no one other than Grey to talk to.

Others acting like Lucy is actually kind of pathetic (why do these writers love sh*tting on her so much? girl could not be down and kicked any harder at this point) -- Celina / Nolan and the double dumping crap, Lucy thinking Grey paid actors and him telling her she was out of her damn mind

The last interaction between Lucy and Tim. I am so angry for her. I needed to see that from her, but instead it felt kind of like her being dumped / a kicked puppy all over again. We got it, thanks. What's next? Lucy being incredibly happy with the hottest man on earth? I'm here for it tbh. Lucy plotting Tim's murder? Also here for it at this point. LOL.

The Ugly

I could not hate the implication of that final scene with Tim and the therapist and the door shutting more. There was ZERO reason they couldn't have had him show up during the day, and it actually disgusts me that they are pushing this line again, but especially with Tim. I am literally NEVER this dramatic, but in this case I really hope they did that to just get a reaction, because if anything were to actually happen between Tim and the therapist, I'd be 100% done with this ship and show as would a whole lot of the audience (I think). If I kept watching, it would only be to see Lucy be absurdly happy without Tim.

Well, what'd I miss? What did y'all think?

[olderthannetfic]

As someone who's college age: yeah, there's a TON of people my age who don't know how things work and don't try to learn. Can't unzip a zip file, want to know where to download anime but haven't tried looking it up, ask things on subreddits a Google search or quick search on the wiki would answer, ask questions answered in FAQs or by professors or in the syllabus, say they can't download and install a new browser or app or program because they don't know how and they never think to look up how to do so, go months without logging into their student email because no one explained to them how to do so and they never thought to ask anyone how to do it, go months without washing their laundry because they don't know how and they also don't know how to look up instructions on how to do it, don't know how to cook and can't Google a recipe so they throw things in a pan and pray it works out, don't understand how to back up files, don't know how to attach a pdf to an email to send to a professor, cannot manage to put stuff on a USB drive + go to the library + print it off of the library computer, etc.

I spent most of freshman year teaching people things. The year after, my patience got more frayed and "Google it" started coming out of my mouth a lot more. This last year I gave up and now if people fuck themselves over, that's their decision. I'm not going to stand there begging people to do basic things they should already know how to do.

It was really funny when someone from Career Services came to talk to us about resumes and said we didn't need to put down 'can use Microsoft Excel' on there because everyone knew that and all but three people said actually no, they didn't. People who are 40+ really think we're all good at tech by default, like we fall out of the womb clutching a little phone already making spreadsheets in Excel or coding computers or whatever.

Meanwhile in reality you see a ton of people posting on tumblr going, "How do I post fic on tumblr?" whose blogs proudly state that they're under 18. The thought that you could just type into a Word doc and then copy and paste onto here never hits. And it's not going to.

I hate to break it to millennials and older people but yeah, actually, my generation does in fact have morons. We're not a moron-free demographic. I'm pretty sure moron-free demographics don't exist, tbh.

--

It infuriates me that my father (in his 80s) is always saying to me that he needs to find a 12-year-old to explain his tech to him. I (40s) keep telling him it's more like a bell curve or something. We had a blip of people being taught in school or having their asses kicked about technology. But then it went away again.

I think we made computers and then phones much more accessible, which is great, but we forgot we still need to teach people things. I know not everyone got explicit instruction in school even in my era, but it seems like the US, at least, phased some of that out as we started assuming The Youth automatically knew it all.

That said... in my day, college freshmen were also terrible about doing their laundry, so some things never change.

[black-lake]

2nd house profection year

it’s my 2nd house profection year and I’m noticing some changes in my life. < my 2nd house is in cancer for ref.

~༯ I’m eating more this year than ever tbh. like I started having comfort food!!! eating whatever I want whenever and not holding myself back as much, which is very unlike me btw. I have a virgo moon and I’m not just nitpicky but also strict with my diet, even tho I have a fast metabolism (aries stellium).

~༯ usually when I’m stressed I tend to starve myself or get over caffeinated but this year I’m leaning more towards eating for comfort < yes taurus core.

~༯ I started going to the gym again but I’d slack off and become uninterested and bored, then find it interesting again, but that could just be my gem rising.

~༯ It seems like life is more abundant. things come easier! there's less resistance. I’m able to slow down and smell the roses.. 𓇢𓆸  I even feel a bit too comfortable or stuck in my comfort zone. everything seems like it’s too much and I just want to enjoy life. ˖ ݁𖥔 ݁˖

~༯ I started buying flowers, planting flowers, decorating my house a lot more, got more perfumes, more beautiful things. currently as we speaking I have like 10 different types of flowers in my house. I started cooking more, I even made up recipes that my family liked and started making them regularly.

~༯ I’m taking care of my skin, my body, and overall health. I'm investing more in skincare and health supplements. though sometimes I overdue it, like get fixated on one thing or another.

~༯ I'm someone that used to have high energy, I'd pull an all nighter or just wake up at 3am scroll non stop or put music on, it wasn’t energy it was ⋆˙⟡ anxiety ⟡⋆˙ , but I'm having more quality sleep this year! I'm in bed by 10 and maybe I just got older, but there's that.

~༯ giving my hair a well deserved break!! I used do dye my hair very often, this year I got a short haircut and I’m growing my natural hair back, I’ve only added a few subtle highlights and I don’t style it as often. I'm embracing more simplicity with my style, though could be that my ass got lazy 𐙚(ᵕ̤ᴗᵕ̤)

~༯ I'm planing more, working on my skills and hobbies, but not rushing or forcing things and not setting high expectations either. I don't feel like there's a rush like before. my values are changing significantly, I know what I like and don’t like and what I can put up with.

~༯ don't get too comfortable and not do anything about moving forward bcz you will be tempted to. remember to still challenge yourself!

~༯ I’m having a relatively comfortable year it got me having flashbacks of my 12th house profection year which was a fckin nightmare. It was all about the subconscious, mental health struggles, depression and overcoming these things. It really was about coming up with personified methods that help me deal with these internal conflict so I can move forward. It also was the year I became more spiritual.

~༯ my 1st house profection year wasn’t good either for me personally, it was super challenging and chaotic. it had me doing things outside my comfort zone. e.g. throwing myself in the ocean (i'm afraid of drowning). my individuality was constantly tested, my determination, my willingness to put myself first and not compromise my own needs and values.

~༯ there were instances where I felt like I'm compromising for the sake of keeping a friendship, which wasn’t reciprocated. I learned to not be afraid to walk away from ppl and places that don’t respect or value me. my cut off game wasn't particularly bad before, but I felt blinded, manipulated and pressured that year, I had to fully trust myself and only rely on myself. very much aries themes. 

~༯ If you're going thRU it with your 12th or 1st house profection, know that it will teach you valuable lessons that lead you to know yourself and love yourself more. you will understand your triggers, your strengths, know who your enemies and true friends are. it gets better! this feels like the perfect year to take a break from all the past challenges that I went through, I'm able to slow down, enjoy life and reflect until I see where the next tides takes me. 

stay blessed, much luv <333

[azrielsbxtch]

I’ve had more time to sit with HOFAS so here are things I loved and things that bugged me.

THINGS I LOVED

AZRIEL AND NESTA - Where to even begin. Their relationship and friendship is EVERYTHING. I'm so glad SJM chose to highlight both of them for the ACOTAR part because their chemistry is everything. I can't wait for more in ACOTAR 5

AZRIEL - Every new thing we learned about Azriel had me screeching. It's so clear SJM is setting him up for the next book. Every scene he appeared in I was obsessed! Finding out about truthteller, him being protective of his mom, him interacting with music, him being all hot and threatening....this bat has me in a chokehold I swear.

THE LORE - All the new information we got about Prythian and Midgard is so interesting. I wish I was a theories person because there's so much to theorize about!

RUHNLIDIA - They served in this book omg. When Ruhn was like "this is my first mission with my girlfriend I want to impress her" I almost threw my phone I'm not even kidding. They are so cute🥹✨✨

HUNT - I still feel like I need more Hunt. He's such a sweetheart and was truly a highlight for me in this book. I love him so much and I was totally rooting for him to fry Celestina.

THINGS THAT BUGGED ME

Ruhn and Lidia’s mate announcement. I knew Ruhn and Lidia would be mates from HOSAB so I was only waiting for confirmation but the way it was written threw me off. Ruhn just said it out of nowhere and to…of all people…Pollux….like what? Why? Idk it could have been more emotional.

Ariadne- I don’t understand the point of introducing this new character only to do NOTHING with her. I shipped her and Flynn sooo much. The way she was introduced in the beginning of the book had me so hyped only for her to disappear. Like imagine a dragon marching with the armies of Hel when they fought the Asteri…

Sigrid - That entire plotline felt useless to me. She was set up to be this hope for the wolves and it all amounted to nothing. So why did we waste so much time on her. I enjoyed Ithan’s chapters because I really like him. But from an objective point of view…most of what SJM made him do didn’t make sense. If she wanted him to become Prime (which I loved btw) she didn’t need to waste all that time on Sigrid and her resurrection only for her to join Sabine the person she’s supposed to hate and then disappear.

Tharion and Sathia - No…just no…..

Bryce ignoring Hunt’s trauma - She did it in HOSAB but again and on a larger scale in HOFAS. Everytime Hunt brought up his fears (understandable because he has now faced the Asteri twice and suffered insane consequences) Bryce just got angry and put him in such a bad position. She made it look like he didn’t want to support her when he has very valid reasons to be afraid. After what he went through the first time in the Asteri dungeons for years and then again! I’m surprised he didn’t break down even more tbh. His feelings were so valid.

Bryce - SJM tried to do the “Aelin is always two steps ahead” thing with Bryce but honestly it didn’t work. A lot of the times I was side eyeing and was like “that’s convenient” Bryce was guessing a lot of times so that whole thing just didn’t work.

The plot was all over the place. The book really didn’t flow well.

[jnnul]

helloooo!! ❤️ can i request some headcanons for jisungs (nct) first relationship? like how would he act, how would he show affection etc etc :))) i really loved your “things he reminds me of’” post, it was so cute and the jisung hickey part made me wonder what his first relationship would be like ☺️☺️ thank you!!

a/n: hihi! thank u so much for requesting (and for the love, mwah) <3 i hope you like this little word vomit lol :) [ps. i hope ur ok w me putting nsfw content at the end - lmk if u want me to publish a version w/o the nsfw at all]

tags: fluff, headcanons of jisung being a frat boi pledge oops, i'm realizing how unfortunately realistic i feel like i portray these boys, tw: nsfw content (mentions of handjobs, giving head)

word count: 1k

gif credits: @chenleemark

jisung's first relationship would be...

surprisingly normal

i feel like a lot of people headcanon jisung as a shy, flustered almost mousey person

and i can see why (jwisung)

but i think that that image is something that was carefully and deliberately crafted (and perhaps something that he eventually grow into a little more)

SO, i feel like this is rlly controversial, i feel like in jisung's first relationship, he would be kinda just frat boi af

like you know that vibe that pledges in a frat have, where they think they're hot shit bc they're 'in a frat' and then they realize that they're a...pledge. like they're at the bottom of the food chain

that's so american i'm so sorry

but that's vibes he gives me

i feel like in his first relationship, he thinks he knows everything. like he thinks he is the king of relationships and he thinks he is the Ultimate Boyfriend (even tho he cringes a little when he hears the word boyfriend irl)

but he's not

it's his first relationship

and i feel like there would be a lot. to unpack.

for example! jisung would constantly be running away in a relationship

especially for the first time that he's in a relationship, you constantly have to chase after him and hope that he's finally gonna open up to you

jisung just has so many layers

as a person

that every time you think you've finally cracked him, he does a 180 on you and gives you a whole new personality to deal with

bc jisung just doesn't do traditional romance

he kinda doesn't understand it but he's also such a romantic that when it comes to real life and when he realizes that real life is a lot messier than romance novels, he just kinda freezes

like he knows you're his s/o but not his S/O™️ if that makes sense

so he'd kinda just act like you're his bestie (that he likes to make out with) until he finally starts to open up and unravel his feelings

jisung's first relationship is a lot of navigating between his mood swings of "I Am The Only Boyfriend. I am God." and "fuck bro i just like to have sex w you and talk abt deep shit"

before he finally realizes that he is not, in fact, god. and that bro is not romantic but he gets away w it bc you're chill like that

he would grow a lot in a relationship fosho

he learns to expand his world from the world in his head to one where you're in it too

jisung would just greet you with a super steamy kiss (bc istg i don't care if this is his first relationship, i just know he's a good kisser) and then ask you if his hat was fly enough to wear in the dance practice video

that's just how he works tbh

but jisung is very observant

for all of his interesting habits, jisung will pick up in 30 seconds flat if smth abt you is off

whether he shows it or not, he pays a lot of attention to you and your habits and will literally sit down for hours and analyze if you hated his guts and wanted to break up w him if you said hi a half note lower than you usually did

and oftentimes, he would be right

i mean obviously, you don't hate his guts and you definitely didn't want to break up w him

but if you were having a bad day, no matter how well you concealed it, jisung would know

i feel like that's the one thing that keeps him being a good boyfriend in the beginning of the relationship

he's so good at reading body language and looking at small details that he never fails to pick up on slight changes

almost to the extent where you think he's reading your mind

but on the flipside jisung is hard to read at first

like i said, he's just got so much going on in his head that you're almost unsure which side of jisung you're dealing w

but as you guys mature together, he definitely opens up a lot more and you're able to read him almost as well as he reads you

NSFW CONTENT BELOW.

but beyond just in your sfw relationship, jisung would be equally attentive in the bedroom

i feel like jisung is a more experimental person than ppl realize

like he truly enjoys pleasureful experiences and he will watch your every microexpression to make sure you're having as much fun as he is

that being said

i think jisung is more of a receiver than a giver

but not by much

like a 60 - 40 split

and the main advantage comes with handjobs

idk what it is abt them

but i feel like jisung would find out very early into the relationships that he rlly likes handjobs

his first relationship is full of exploring himself and what he enjoys as well as exploring you(r body) and what you enjoy

and handjobs are the one thing that he just cannot resist every single time

whenever you rlly give him a good one, LORD KNOWS that he will be going down on you and giving you the head you deserve

bc i feel like jisung wouldn't have too much control over his body in his first relationship, he would probably cum a lot sooner than he would like

and he hates cumming before you - whether it be for an ego reason or bc he feels guilty that he feels good and you don't, he just doesn't like it

so he learns to give good head (and i mean good head. like i would tie him with mark as the top head givers in nct dream) so that he can bring you right to the edge w him and you can cum together

overall, just a very interesting and growth filled experience where jisung and you both learn to love and grow together <3

[theflagscene]

Let’s talk about Mr. Keng

There’s something I found really odd about the interactions between Non and Keng, besides the whole fucking each other thing. I’m not downplaying the misuse of power and the inherent wrongness of the teacher/student relationship here, but I am used to seeing it over the years in queer media so I wasn’t shocked by it tbh. I don’t know why but there are a lot of queer media over the many years I’ve been watching it that seem to pair an exceptional student with a teacher, or even adults with barely legal teenagers. It’s some weird taboo in queer media and I honestly think it’s because of how common age gap relationships are in the queer community, but we’re not here to dissect that.

So going back to Mr. Keng’s interaction with Non, in episode five, six and seven. It’s clear that he zeros in on Non’s exceptionality, the only student to actually understand his question and Non was barely paying attention. Mr. Keng’s interest was piqued right then and there, and my first thought was that they were going to make him a total creep. Which they seemed to be leaning toward when he put special interest in Non, then in episode six we get Non breaking down and finally admitting to him what was going on and why he needed the money. Mr. Keng offering the money so readily also made it seem again that he was a creep, it was a clear grooming tactic. Making Non feel like he owed him something without Keng even having to say; you owe me.

You could say that Non was a willing participant in their first sexual encounter as he was the one who went in for the more passionate kiss, but again that is what grooming does. And while yes Non is sexually active, he’s 16/17 at the most, sleeping with Phee is completely different. Phee is older by less than a year considering he finished off 12th grade with the other boys after Non ‘disappeared’. Being able to consent to sex with an equal is completely different than ‘consenting’ to having sex with someone who should know that what they’re doing is not right!

Moving onto episode seven, there’s a new level to Keng, he’s working to bring down the illegal gambling ring with an undercover reporter. So he’s just using Non, right? He found out what Non was into and saw it as an opportunity to get names and information, so he’s a groomer and a manipulative liar. Great, send this fucker straight to hell!

What I found interesting though was that by the end of episode seven, we find him comforting Non about the video, Non sobbing in his arms and Keng reassures him that things will be okay. That… doesn’t seem like the reaction of a man who’s just found out that his entire career might be over, that he could very well face jail time. There was no blame, no anger directed at Non, just concern. And then Phee showed up, he attacked Keng, rather violently if the bruises on JJ’s back are anything to go by. Phee kept telling Keng to leave, to fuck off, to just go! He kept shoving him into chairs and walls, but Keng never once left. He stayed there, quietly, not trusting Phee to be alone with Non.

And after Phee broke up with Non, telling him to go die, Non has a full blown breakdown. He’s screaming, sobbing hysterically, hitting himself. What does Keng do? He gets down onto the floor and he grabs Non, stops him from hurting himself, shushes him, holds him, comforts him, rocks the sobbing teen in his arms. None of these things seem to be the action of a person who doesn’t care. Am I saying Mr. Keng is in the right? No! Absolutely not! The dude is a creep, he did terrible things and never should’ve done the things he did. But what I was hit with was that it seemed like Mr. Keng—in his own weird way—actually did genuinely care about Non and his wellbeing.

It was very odd to see, because for the previous two episodes there was a very clear set up of how you’re supposed to see him, how you’re supposed to view his interactions with Non. Then by the end of episode seven, he’s caring and concerned and refuses to leave Non in his moment of need even as Phee demands that he does. I think Keng genuinely liked Non, in his own weird highly illegal way. So it’ll be interesting to see who exactly kills him (my money is on Phee or Jin) and if he repents whatsoever or doubles down on his claim that he actually did like Non, as both a student but a lover.

[manstrans]

Pregnant trans masc anon back again and coming off of anon because... Well, why not?

I just saw the other anons you got about my ask saying that pregnancy is always feminine or whatever bullshit. And I want it to be known:

Being pregnant was the most masculine I have ever felt. Never in my life have I felt stronger. Never in my life have I felt more connected to my body. Being pregnant helped me learn to love my body in a way I never have before. The parts I resented had a purpose: to care for, to nourish, and to protect my kid.

There's lots of cishet normative garbage in the world about what it means to be a dad. But being the partner to carry and birth our child? To me that is peak fatherdom. All of the things a father, a dad, is supposed to be - the provider, the protector, the solid ground in which to seek refuge - I got to be from day one. And because of all the garbage people have thrown at me because I am a masculine person who got pregnant, I know that I did the most fatherly thing I could do: I put the needs of my child and my family first. I let my transition take a backseat for almost 2 years so my wife and I could finally have a family after years of trying.

So fuck anyone who wants to make me feel like being pregnant isn't masculine. Pregnancy is only feminine because of cisnormative bullshit. And if being queer for as long as I have has taught me anything it's that societal ideas of masculinity and femininity really mean nothing once you break them down. Anyone can be anything. Anything can be masculine or feminine.

I am a trans masculine person who is sometimes a man. I am a husband. I am a father. And I am so tired of people refusing to question the ideas they've inherited from cishet society. Acceptance of what has always been is a problem queer people have been fighting for as long as society has hated queer people. And maintaining societal ideas that work to silence some or render them invisible is not going to get us, as queer people, anywhere. Maybe it's because I'm considered old now, but I've given up trying to fit into a box that was not made for me. Because, at the end of the day, the people who are going to hate queer people and want to erase us aren't going to stop just because we squeeze into ill-fitting labels they built. Claim whatever labels you want. Feel as much or as little of that label that is comfortable for you. But don't tell others that their understanding of that label or how it fits them is wrong.

I'm sorry for getting angry at your anons and sending you an essay. But I'm coming off of anon, so perhaps they'll come directly to my askbox if they want to make claims about pregnant masculine people.

^^^^^

also I think being angry is justified here tbh

[dani-ya-dig]

Ok now that I’m fully awake. It’s time try and organize my thoughts on that audio oh my god.

Also trigger warning for mentions of suicide under the cut

That’s actually the first thing I wanna talk about, and is the only gripe I have with the entire video. Why the fuck wasn’t mentions of suicide tagged in the description??

Like I understand the concept wasn’t dwelled on and Sam didn’t outright say “I’m gonna fucking kill myself” but he PRETTY EXPLICITLY talked about how he planned to commit suicide even if he didn’t say those words. idk “chosen morality” doesn’t seem like the right warning for that? I’m not gonna complain abt it like too much, I just was a little confused on why it wasn’t tagged.

But anyways onto my jumbled up thoughts about the actual audio! Because as a member of the Sam Collins fandom, I have thoughttsssssss!!

THIS AUDIO MADE ME SOB! I couldn’t sleep because of how sad I was over it. Sam and Darlin need to be happy just for fucking ONCE, god give them a BREAKKKKKK.

The idea of them just silently holding each other on their roof with the night sky above them, a few tears probably falling from both of them. IM DUHXSJDIJFDJFHFHJ

AND MOTHERFUCKER THE VIDEO ENDING ON “Brown. My eyes were brown” I FELL TO THE FLOOR SHUT THE FUCK UP!

On a happier note about that, I KNEW Sam’s eyes were brown. I feel like almost everyone did tbh. I’ll tell you what gave it away though, the gentle way he says “please” to Darlin in some of his audios. Automatically gave it away that he would have had the biggest brown puppy dog eyes you have ever seen in your life. I’m physically sick over it, it’s not even funny.

Now back to the thing I desperately don’t wanna think about. Sam telling Darlin that he wasn’t planning on living forever.

That’s where the dam broke for me, I started bawling. It totally makes sense, I get it and I can’t say that it’s not a choice that makes sense given that Sam never wanted to be a vampire in the first place.

Do y’all think that he was planning to watch the sunrise on his roof? Because that was my first thought and it hurt real bad. Sam finally getting to feel the sunlight after so many years of having been deprived of it, only to be ash when the sun was fully in the sky.

Also I know damn well he probably would have done it after Darlin died and that’s what hurts so bad. If Darlin chose to be a vampire I think he would happily spend however long their eternity would be by their side, but once they were gone he probably wouldn’t feel a reason to stay. Especially because if Darlin turned into a vampire the two of them probably would have completely pulled away from all mortals before that would happen.

On that note, I don’t think Darlin is gonna want to be turned. I never really thought they would, unless they were under very specific circumstances. Sam telling them to spend time in their wolf form and with their pack before deciding solidified that for me 100%. I don’t think they would be able to lose their wolf which we know is a pretty big part of shifters, talking from Milo’s audio where he breaks down worried he was never going to be able to shift again. I don’t think they would be okay with the idea of watching their friends, and their family all start to wither away and eventually die while they remain.

Now, do I think Darlin is going to want to be turned? No. Do I think the dynamic of Darlin choosing to remain mortal opens a lot of really good angst possibilities? Yes. Do I fully trust Erik to not turn them anyways? Not really no.

If I had to put a bet in for how it would happen if Darlin got turned, it would be by Quinn. Quinn would find out or catch wind of the fact that they chose not to be turned (if he didn’t already know they would chose that) and turn them anyways just to hurt them.

(I think Alexis turning them is an interesting idea to think about, from any angle but I highly doubt that’s gonna happen lmao)

All in all I genuinely think that was the only audio that has affected me that much (aside from maybe listening to the inversion for the first time??)

[mrghostrat]

This isn’t really a question for you but to the other anons who say they “hate aus but love yours” and I kind of want to know why? I also LOVE your AUs and it’s not an insult to say they both (streamer/bnf) push the limits of the canon characters to almost breaking point. They’re really their own characters and it’s a good thing. But if you’re someone who hates aus I’m surprised they would go for the extremes? Have they just not given aus the chance? I think in their rush to praise you they’re unintentionally punching down on other aus. bBut if they like yours so much there’s so many other possibilities they could also love if they give aus a chance

i get it tbh! and i don’t think it’s inherently insulting to other AUs, because it’s not a matter of quality, it’s a matter of preference.

for some ppl, the characters’ roles as angel & demon and the STAKES that come with that, are so integral to their characterisation, and a key part of what makes their pining & their personalities recognisable. what they’ve been through, fighting the apocalypse and sneaking around under the noses of literal heaven and hell have formed them as people*, and their relationship, to an incomparible degree. and 6,000 years hits very different than a human lifespan.

it’s valid to prefer the setting that turned the characters into who they are. that’s the crowley and aziraphale we all love, after all. i love canon compliant or divergent fics, but for me, i just get restless reading such a narrow selection of plots and feelings, and have always loved the open-endness of AUs (in every fandom).

the other problem with AUs is that, by taking them out of their primary roles, it’s a lot easier for writers to tangent and drift away from accurate characterisation. without the tether of canon roles and settings and past decisions, you can very easily forget what makes them Them.

there are plenty of readers who consume fan fic because they want more stories about the characters AND the story/setting/context they’ve grown to love on the screen/page. i daresay most of them lol! i personally love characters more than anything, and like finding ways to tie their canon personalities and decisions into new settings, to see how they would approach human problems. but i understand feeling like crowley and aziraphale are only crowley and aziraphale when they’re in the universe that made them who they are now.

this isn’t to say that every other AU is badly written or unenjoyable. it’s just that it’s harder to get it right, which can be off putting for readers who value that to try and scour through the archive for something to read; and even when they are characterised well, it doesn’t change the fact that people who prefer canon simply don’t enjoy tearing them away from it. those people likely enjoy mine because i try very very hard to NOT make them their own characters, i want to change the setting and the stakes but i’m gandalf pouring over scrolls and documents trying to get every nuance of characterisation right, despite how Out Of Left Field the initial concept might seem. and so i’m lucky they’ve decided to give me a chance, be it from my art, my writing style, the snippets i share, or all the wonderful people who’ve recommended me.

source: i prefer human AUs and @thewolveswolf prefers canon compliant and we’ve had this discussion on the daily LMAO

[34saveme34]

I think this episode put it even more into view now

like, the reason 3 still resents 4 so much is because of living in his shadow

it shows in a lot of ways, the more I think about it

christmas wars was a part of that, considering he wanted to throw a better party because he finally wanted to overcome him

you used to be cool him trying to establish himself again (but tbh it making him lean into this insecurity even more) but also showing that he cares, which once again, it's so obviously painful to him

also one of my fav episodes, the elevator

with the scene w their thoughts

this episode... it made me reinterpret it

like 4 is still just. bisexually checking him out, I'm sorry, I don't know how to see it any other way. just. him denying his attraction by roasting him inside his head is exactly what he'd do, yeah

but that "SMG4, I hate you" is so so genuine it stings like hell now. he means it, with his whole heart but he also doesn't (like considering how much he cares yknow. wotfi 2023, Perfect) he wants to mean entirely, but he cares too much about 4, and he especially did before like, christmas wars, boy's heart was absolute mush for 4, like that drawing.... he is so in love, it's stupid- but with christmas wars, then you used to be cool, him remembering why he even started to hate 4 all the way back then. And I think... even then... even now. he adored him. I think this whole duality could absolutely be interpretted all the way back.

Like, imagine being 3, seeing someone so amazing, you just can't help but adore so much you start to yearn- you start to get jealous, and it gets to you, and time doesn't heal you, it only makes the wounds bigger. you get closer to him, and it feels like things are better, although still healing. AND when you thought you're on the right track, you're right back there again, openly bleeding, bleeding for that all that deep hatred and adoration you hold in your heart for ONE person AND now this person is close to you too, and has to witness it, and has to care

remember the ep where 3 made his own studio and 4 made it go down thinking it was a scheme?

"You never really cared about me"

and now 4 does and I feel like 3 often wishes he didn't

also not to alarm people again, with the parallels, but the same way 3 helped 4 w the video making when shit hit the fan, 4 did that for 3 for his café

I'm- I'm just saying-

but. in the same manner I want to say. I hope to see these 2 work hard together again, Perfect showed it (they, TOGETHER literally made The PERFECT video), literally them using meme energy whenever, literally all moments of them working together showed that by god, when they get down to it, they can empower each other to the stars

and considering the amount of duality between him feeling jealous but also this time we see him open up and also 4 understanding and being there for him n stuff-

consider: instead of 3 just simply being corrupted

what if... it's both, in a sense? he just gets more and more of both things, more and more overwhelming- because even when he opens up- even when 4 listens- even when 4 HELPS- it doesn't save him from his fate. it doesn't save him from reaching his breaking point at all

he's gonna get there and we can't do anything about it. 4 wouldn't know what to do about it. all he could do is just... stand there. and watch. as it all goes down right before his eyes, because fate was so cruel to them in that way

and because I think one of the biggest things that will be at fault for it, is 4 not understanding him in time, because he's spiteful and doesn't see when he should be kinder to 3 instead of throwing mean words right back at him

who knows what kind of power that angst in 3 could achieve. considering, he was ALWAYS an angsty villain, with his newpowered angst he's not even used to, who knows where that might push him, even if he doesn't want it at all. Yet... fighting it is useless.

but hey, that's just a theory, an smg4 theory!

[688199]

marinette is FAR from being a “normal girl, with a normal life” (general criticism, and analysis of the location concept art)

pardon any mistakes, this is a rant post lmaoo

first and foremost, she is the daughter of paris’s most popular bakery. everyone knows it. and it's not loved the same way a long time neighbourhood bakery is loved. sleek high class interior design, like i bet a simple croissant costs 4 euros or smth.

now how about the earlier bakery design?

cluttered, lots of bread stacked everywhere, but it coneys well their love for baking. wonder why those "run down eating places" are always the one that have the greatest tasting food? it's because their heart is in cooking the meal. tbh, reminds me of the bakery in kikis delivery service actually. and why does these two bakeries feel so much nicer despite being so simple looking? because you can feel the hardwork (oh and the brown is a true vibe). full offence but the neatness of the current bakery feels like its a corporate business.

two, while she goes to a public school, it’s like the kids of all the most rich and famous citizens of paris are gathered there. adrien, model and son of renowned fashion designer. chloe, daughter of the mayor. juleka, daughter of famous rock star, alix, daughter of historian at louvre. mylene, daughter of a leading mine performer that had his posters plastered everywhere. that’s like just some of i remember. definitely not normal. unfortunately no concept art of the school. but knowing that the PV did reference marinette's bedroom, im going to assume the school design existed as a brief sketch.

this seems like a classy, rich college, same like the current one. but the design is better, imo, looks more school-ish. and third, it’s so clear that marinette is super rich. like man what the hell that room is thrice the size of mine. yet it lacks so much personality. what does this tell us about her? she likes pink. i seriously cannot find anything here that stands out to me.

this is why i much prefer the concept art locations. at least they look sort of middle class. it also gives marinette a “cozy” vibe, and someone who makes the best out of a given situation.

marinette is given the attic room. lots of beams, not very well furnished. yet she takes advantage of a seemingly bad room by using the beams to place boxes and toys. she also uses cloth to decorate the place, showing her appreciation of cloth design. it’s small, but has character, compared to marinette’s pink spacious room that’s a mess to look at.

furthermore the rooftop clearly isn’t meant to be used like that. but she adds little features to it, such as a simplistic bird house, wood planks to allow an even surface to place stuff/ sit, and a tent tied down by random pink strings and ribbons. it shows how she’s adaptable, creative and caring (bird house). plus it alludes to a sense of defiance and her “wanting to take a break”.

on the other hand, the current (it’s not even called a rooftop it’s called a balcony) is in big open space, smack right in front of the eifel tower, nicely floored with a proper fence and proper table for teapot. nothing here is "make shift" like the previous design. even if marinette did spend time making this place nice, how can we tell? there's nothing that hints to us that she worked on it. it doesn’t convey anything about marinette to us anymore, other than: “oh holy shit she's pretty rich”.

even this even earlier design is simple, but still says more about marinette than the current balcony. she carried her teapot all the way up there even though it's insanely difficult to. this tells us she's willing to put extra effort into things.

you could say im looking too deep into things. but i really am not. people fail to understand that even art, animation and film, every little detail, no matter how small, is important and should tell us the personality of the character.

with all the choices made in the series, how could you convince anyone that marinette is supposed to be normal? the whole concept of marinette and ladybug is that she looks average on the surface, but is capable of being a superhero due to all these favourable character traits of hers that tend to be overlooked. marinette dupain cheng? writers can't even make her look average for gods sake. from her appearance (stereotypically good-looking instead of charmingly cute, there's a difference), and her life in general (blessed with all the chances in the world that basically spoon feeds her her dream).

its exactly like those famous hollywood stars saying how much they suffered before they could succeed. except they were rich from the start with famous parents.

[summerwritesfics]

🗺️My Fingers In Creases Of Distant Dark Places

Pairing: Hanzo Hasashi/Kuai Liang Length: 1245 Words Rating: Teen Warnings: University AU, Fantasy AU, Magic School, Student!Hanzo Hasashi, Elemental!Hanzo Hasashi, Student Librarian!Kuai Liang, Qilin!Kuai Liang, Libraries, Studying, First Meetings, Kuai Liang and Bi-Han are half brothers AU-Gust 2024 Day 3: Dark Academia

AU-Gust 2024 Masterlist

Notes: I have no idea if I did dark academia right, but well… I tried so *shurg* Kuai Liang as a Qilin is a concept I’ve thought about before (and drawn a lot tbh) but never written about so :D Title is from Set Fire To The Third Bar by Snow Patrol

Hanzo huffed at the book in his hands. In the dim lights of the library, he was just about able to make out the information he needed. He hated studying, and if it were up to him he’d never do it again. But he’d made a promise many years ago to his mother that he’d go to this specific university and get a degree. She may have lost her life years ago, but Hanzo still remembered that promise, and knew he had to honour it.

… I still hate studying though.

He squinted at the book, trying to write down notes as he read. Fire magic is strong to ice and nature magic, but is weak to water, air however feeds it and makes it stronger, while it’s neutral towards light, dark and earth. This was pretty basic information, the sort you learnt when you first started studying elemental magics. Still, he wanted to go back over the basics so he could understand the more complex theory later on.

When he’d chosen to major in elemental magic, he figured he’d ace it, on grounds of himself being a fire elemental. And well, he did ace it, the practical parts of it that was. He was top in his class for control and mastery of his magic.

But theory? God, he didn’t realise there was more to that than just weaknesses and strengths. There were entire books about the history of each element, about techniques and how they were developed, about notable users, ways they were used and battles won using such magic. It was enough to give him a fucking headache if he was being honest.

He could pass all the practical classes, but if he couldn’t get the theory down he was fucked.

I won’t fail. I refuse. I need to make Okaasan proud.

“Excuse me.”

Hanzo jumped at the voice. It was so late in the night he’d forgotten he was in the Universities public library and not his own room. He looked up to be met with a young man looking at him. He wasn’t a human though, he had a branch like horn on his head, pointed ears, scales in various spots of his body breaking up human-like skin, and a long scaled tail with a fluffy mane running along it. If Hanzo had to guess, the man was a Qilin. Other than that, he had a large scar running down one side of his face, he was wearing a cheongsam and had a pair of glasses on.

As Hanzo’s eyes flicked down, he could see a lanyard around his neck, with an ID badge that read “Student Librarian; Song Kuai Liang”.

“Sorry to disturb you, but are you finished with any of these?” He gestured towards the piles of books on the table. “Just if I can put some away for you, I’d like to be able to do so.”

“Oh. Uh. Those are the one’s I’m done with.” He pointed to the pile of books he had finished reading. Wait, those were the ones I’ve read, right? He stared at them. “Ye- yes. Yes, those are the ones I’m done with.”

His eyes flicked between his piles. His done pile consisted of two books. He still had about 7 he still needed to read. He’d been here for like 2 hours and it was almost midnight already.

“Aw fuck,” he groaned throwing his head into his hands. “I’m never going to get out of here.”

Kuai Liang chuckled, and Hanzo lifted his head up in time to see Kuai pick up the two books. “I guess studying isn’t your thing, hm?”

“Not really,” He huffed, staring down at his notes. “I didn’t expect there to be so much writing in this major to be honest.”

Kuai’s ears twitched slightly and he tilted his head at one of the books in his hand. “Ah, you’re studying elemental magic?” Hanzo nodded and watched as Kuai opened the book and started to leaf through it. “My brother’s studying that. I wonder if you share your classes with him?”

Hanzo paused at that, because now that he thought about it, he did have a classmate with the surname “Song”. But he wasn’t sure he believed that person was related to Kuai Liang. Mostly because as far as he was aware, they were fully human, and not half qilin. Still, it was the only person in his class he could think of.

“His names not Bi-Han is it?” He asked, and when he saw Kuai’s tail wag in excitement, he knew he’d gotten it right. Oh. That’s… pretty fucking cute.

“Yes, that’s him,” Kuai confirmed, but given the slight grin on his face it was clear he knew Hanzo was confused. “We’re half brothers, if you’re wondering. We share a father.”

“Right. Sorry, that should probably have been obvious.” He wasn’t sure why he hadn’t considered that. There was another reason that Bi-Han wouldn’t have been exactly his first guess without the surname being involved. “Me and him don’t exactly get along though.”

“You and about 90% of the world,” Kuai replied with a giggle. “I grew up with him, trust me, I know what an asshole he can be sometimes.”

Hanzo actually laughed at that, “damn, it must be bad if even you’re saying that.”

“He just takes time to get used to people,” Kuai explained, still looking through the book a bit. “But if he does start to become a real bother, feel free to find me, I tend to be able to get him to stand down.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.” He suspected it would never come to that. Or at least he hoped it wouldn’t. Bi-Han was a bit rude and very stubborn, but outside of that it wasn’t like he was a bully or anything. Just a bit of a dick sometimes. Hanzo sighed, looking back at his notes and grimaced. “Sorry, I should probably get on with this.”

“You know…” Kuai said in a long drawn out way. “Sometimes, when I’m studying, I find it useful to have someone to read aloud to. I just find it helps the info go in better, somehow.”

Hanzo had never considered that before, but weirdly it made sense. At this point it was worth a shot. Anything to make studying feel less like pulling teeth. Although, he got the weird suspicion that Kuai Liang was bringing it up for a very specific reason.

“Are you offering?” He jokingly asked, watching as Kuai looked away nervously. He was biting his lip, and a small blush came over his cheeks. More interestingly, the end of his horn was glowing blue. Qilin’s horns glow when they’re embarrassed? It should be illegal to be so adorable! “Just, I figured you’re working right now. I wouldn’t want to take you away from that.”

“Ah, well, I’ve done all of the other work I was supposed to do, which is why I was bothering you about the books.” Ah, so he was trying to find something to do with himself. “Plus you’re the only person here right now. So…”

Hanzo looked Kuai up and down, before smiling and patting the seat next to him. Kuai Liang jumped at the chance, hurriedly coming to sit down next to him as he peered at the book Hanzo was holding.

“Well. I hope you’re ready to learn the history of fire magic, because this is gonna be a long one.”

[lornaka]

Thoughts on TBB s2 finale

Spoilers under the cut. Most of this is a compilation of thoughts I’ve previously expressed on twitter and discord so nothing new to some of you perhaps! Disclaimer: I still love the show with my whole heart and greatly respect the hard work of everyone who worked on it, so please don’t hate on the show in replies and comments to this post. Either keep it to relevant constructive criticism of the narrative and thoughtful analysis/discussion, or make your own posts, thanks

Idk I was just left.. hollow after s2 finale of tbb, like, there were no upsides/positive stimulating moments? It didn't leave me with an excited feeling for what's to come, more like "this is very bleak and miserable, I want s3 purely in the hope of it getting better somehow". I really was expecting some sort of catharsis from tbb s2 finale but got the complete opposite. It's a tell that something didn't work for me when I got no inspiration to draw anything tbh. S1 finale was confusing and not all that happy too but it left.. idk, something to be hopeful about, something affirming to it, amidst all destruction and separation.  I wonder what s3 will look like with this sort of a cliffhanger. Unless they somehow resolve it in the first few episodes of the next season, the whole format would have to be changed, no more one-off adventures between the main plot heavy episodes etc. Regarding Hunter and his complete lack of emotionality and motivation outside of his relationship with Omega, at this point I seriously can’t tell if the writers are purposefully writing Hunter in a way that makes him come off as, well, failing as a brother and a leader. All I know is that after each finale, s1 and s2, I’m left with a desire for him to own up to his mistakes to grow. I love Hunter a lot and I enjoy flawed characters with good hearts. But when they mess up, I want the narrative to frame it such, and for them to grow from there. Otherwise it’s just inconsistent writing. At this moment, I feel like Hunter needs a “redemption” arc as much as Crosshair, as far as family drama and letting each other down goes. This is why I was so happy when it seemed like they’d finally go to rescue Crosshair specifically (welp.) They needed to do that imo, Hunter most of all, he needs to own up to leaving his brother behind once and for all and actually *do* smth about it. Was it understandable when they had to flee and couldn’t come back for Cross before they knew about the chips and arguably after? Absolutely. Doesn’t change the fact that Cross was left behind and got hurt, doesn’t make it better. So even if Hunter’s decision is justified, his lack of regret over his brother getting hurt in the process is not. I can see him repressing it all bc that’s Hunter, he is the king of repressing his emotions for the sake of moving forward, but his issues do not excuse him, and I want him to gain awareness and grow past these issues.  And speaking of Crosshair. It’s so weird, structurally if nothing else, how the previous few episodes built up all these emotional stakes over Crosshair, specifically his withstanding intense torture from Hemlock meant to break him just to protect his siblings, only for the finale to completely drop the ball on it. Tech sacrifices himself on a mission he specifically urged Hunter to go on because “Crosshair is still our brother” and then Hunter is like “yeah let’s not waste Tech’s sacrifice and forget all about Crosshair, okay?”. It made no freaking sense.  S1 finale left me confused & unsatisfied with the way characters reactions didn’t fit some of their previously stablished experiences and narrative arcs. S2 put things in perspective for me somewhat, so my best hope is that s3 does the same to resolve my confusion over s2 finale.  When it comes down to basic story break down, the core theme of TBB gotta be either about a family coming together, or it is about a family separating, one way or another. Until s2 finale I was convinced it was about coming together but now.. “We don’t leave our own behind” seemed like a clear set up for the coming together theme. Now it feels almost like a misdirection, an ironic twist to subvert our expectations or mb to explore how old convictions/priorities of these characters crashed against new realities of life.  And now that they’ll never truly be able to be a whole family again (allegedly), my hope for the main theme to circle back to a family coming together in a satisfying way has been critically diminished tbh. I think it could still work with someone dying, but def not like this. Even if everyone else survives and sticks together and Cross comes back, he’ll never have closure over Tech’s absence, for example. There will be no satisfaction for us as the audience in his brother’s sacrifice on a mission to save him, no pay-off. Then what is the point?  A character death is a very powerful tool within the story, so when it happens, it needs to be done extremely right to hit the right emotional chords and not just cause frustration. What frustrates me, personally, is not the factual death of a character in the canon version of the events, but when the presentation and use of it makes no sense to me in the story but the writers are trying to sell it to me as if it should. Then I feel like I’m being emotionally manipulated and nothing makes me feel more betrayed tbh. I can come up with an infinite number of explanations for Tech’s survival. It’s incredibly easy to suspend my disbelief and just say “somehow he survived”. But if the creators themselves actively try to beat me over the head with their insistence that no, it happened and I should be sad over it, nope. That’s telling, not showing. If you want me to feel strong emotion, make me, don’t tell me that I’m supposed to be sad over a character dying just because you decided to kill them to make me sad. As for Tech’s status, the whole Schrodinger Tech situation is exactly the same as Cross’s chip in s1 finale. Everything in the narrative (Hemlock bringing his goggles is sus as hell, 100% reads as hints at him recovering Tech and then lying to Hunter to manipulate him) points to it being one way (Cross’s chip still affecting him, Tech surviving) but knowing the writers, my gut tells me it’s exactly what they say on the surface with their words and he’s gone. I hope I’m wrong because the way this death was handled is meaningless and closes so many possibilities, like I mentioned above with the family coming together in a satisfying way etc. It just doesn’t work for the story beyond cheap emotional shock value imo.  So here we are. I decided to chill until s3 and hope things will make sense as the story progresses and the intentions of the writers become clear. Right now they sure as hell aren’t. 

[readingfolklore]

That wasn't me the previous ask but -

I can honestly say before I had a child my mental health was rock bottom, I suffered from self harm, was in a toxic relationship and a narc mother too who I've now cut out. I couldn't regulate my emotions as I was never taught to etc

I was so super worried I wouldn't be a good mother, and that I would be like my mother, because I felt so mentally fucked up, I didn't want to not be good enough for him, but just the fact you care about the fact you could be as you say toxic, shows you would be a great mother.

Honestly the day he came along, things changed drastically and I learnt to regulate my emotions by teaching him to regulate his, feeling so much love for him and care when his emotions were all over the place as toddlers are haha, made me also understand and give grace to myself, and honestly I feel like having a child made me grow so much as a person and finally learn how to regulate my emotions, honestly he brings nothing but joy everyday to my life, not sure I would be here without him tbh!

I'm not saying this to rush you into having a child or anything at all haha, but more as a..

don't worry too much about the future or If you ever do get pregnant, don't syke yourself out for nine months with worry like I did, you will be the complete opposite of your parents/parent I promise, you're a good person you can tell even from here!

Breaking generational trauma is huge but it's the best feeling 💕

i know that i kinda responded to this in private, but your message is honestly one of the kindest ones i have ever received and it means more because you've been vulnerable in expressing something personal and turning it into something wonderful - you're giving you and your son the best possible outcome in life. from what i've seen on your blog, you seem to have a lot of strength, courage and bravery and i know your son helps you tremendously with that. 💕 you are a team and there is nothing more powerful than a bond between a mother and her baby (human or fur baby).

honestly, you already know this, but your words did make me tear up a little bit and now it's happening again. 😅 thank you so much for saying something i was reluctant to believe in about myself, it really hits different when somebody else can see the potential in you that you struggle to see in yourself because of how much others have continued to put you down for. i really appreciate you, and i love love love your blog! your kindness flows through your blog (especially about the post you made about a spider and your chopping board last night, it was so wholesome that it made me smile!) and this message. i'm really grateful to have mutuals and followers like you. sending you all my love, hugs and well wishes your way. 🤗💕🤗💕🤗💕🤗💕

[radiocity]

honestly, what's your take on the l word? atp i can't tell if it's just shit but i'm too far along to stop. the 5th and 6th seasons seem to be done in a complete different tone too and there's so many problematic aspects just slapped in for unecessary drama. still.. i like the main characters a lot and it is representation at the end of the day. Maybe it would've been cooler if they just did more of a 'slice of life' thing instead of 'drama rama cheating on people is like a slip of the hand thing due to the strong nuclear force'

anyway interested in your take, what do you think are the well- and badly- handled aspects of the show, how do you reflect on the story and character building?

stay cool out there (◕‿◕)♡

MY TAKE ON THE L WORD? getting this ask made me so excited you have no idea how much I love talking about the l word. So excited in fact that I wrote 6165 words about it, sorry, I am so severely unemployed right now. here, I talk about my thoughts, some theory, and then break down some of the intrinsic problems with the show, specifically how it thinks about gender and nonconformity, race, and transgender identities, within the scaffolding of it being a show concerned with women who have relationships with other women, rather than necessarily a truth of lesbianism. i’m citing various linked sources and very loosely using an academic approach, but it’s more like a messy collage of sources than it is a fully fleshed out argument and narrative! if you want the tl;dr, I’d recommend scrolling to the final 3 paragraphs

tbh I haven’t watched it in a while but I really want to rewatch the whole thing and go back to my gif series instead of just making random sets (don’t be put off by my absence its bc I was doing my master’s degree and then I got really sick) and maybe thinking so intensely about tlw these past 3 days will inspire me into it .

I’d be really interested in hearing any thoughts on response to any of this, even though it’s not particularly well written or formulated, so feel free to drop a message/reply/response anywhere if u or anyone else is compelled to. anyway response under the cut ->

so, my opening thoughts on the l word revolve around two things: there is nothing about this show that makes it an inherently lesbian show, and that it functions as a product of its time, not in culture but in Hollywood and show running. the imagined audience of TLW isn’t necessarily the modern ‘sapphic’ audience watching things like First Kill (2022), Do Revenge (2022), or Crush (2022) which are all, generally, pointed towards a younger audience seeking things like validation and romantic projection (from what I understand, and I’ll admit I haven’t watched any of these! But I have read synopsis and seen clips, so I’ll watch soon I promise). I do think this conversation has re-emerged a little in the growing conversations about wanting sexy lesbians having sex, which is a conversation that surrounded Love Lies Bleeding (LLB, 2024) for quite a while, repeating this argument that what lesbians want isn’t romance or tension, but sex, real sex, sex on screen and sex on TV. of course, it’s a little difficult for showrunners to ‘do’ sex or sexual content without it being so brazenly for men – and here I’ll step out and say when, in this context, I discuss women being looked at and ‘male gaze’, it’s more under the original theory of laura mulvey that women are objectified by the camera as men are in control of production, and here I’ll link the article (it’s very short, but I refer largely here to section B) – and to equally appeal to women looking at women but who are, equally not free from patriarchal understandings of the ‘correct’ and ‘incorrect’ ways of being attracted to women. I feel a good example of how we saw this was the big tiktok-wide discussion about sapphic cottage-core as an equally white endeavour, a sort of softcore launching of racist white American ideals of frolicking on a plantation. For showrunners to produce sexual lesbian content now, it needs to contend with who will be doing its marketing for them, i.e. a lot of people on tiktok talking about how LLB is for the ‘lesbian gaze’, whatever that means, or that these things are perhaps attractive to men in general, but are specifically geared to being attractive to lesbians specifically. Actually candace Moore, in a really brilliant article (and if u want access and don’t have it… just let me know) describes, through gaze theory, the notion of the straight viewer as a “tourist” and the “traveller”. Here:

Problematizing a distinction between the tourist, who "gladly or unknowingly accepts Disneyland's versions of the world's wonders," and the traveler, who "seeks and knows how to recognize authenticity," Strain argues that perhaps these archetypes are, if not one and the same, both victims to the notion that there is an "authenticity" available to be misrecognized, or grasped, in the first place. (10) But what of the lesbian viewer? (11) At first glance it would seem that the lesbian viewer falls outside of the already-tenuous tourist and traveler distinction, being a "local" intimately familiar with this culture. However, insofar as lesbian spectators are consuming mediated images of themselves, I argue that not only do straight audiences engage in a form of tourism when viewing the The L Word, but lesbian audiences, even those from Southern California, do too. The distinction between the tourist, the traveler, and, in this case, the local-as-consumer becomes blurred. Locals drawn to the latest "lesbian attraction," lesbians enjoy The L Word's eye candy along with straight "tourists." Like straight "travelers," they seek to identify albeit illusory "authentic" elements of the representation. However, for the queer viewer, the mediated reality of the show will never match up to reality. While the tourist and the traveler of The L Word are at base one and the same, the distinction between them lies not in what they are, but what they think they are; how they conceive of their own intentions, levels of "expertise," relationships to the local culture, and the "gains" that they take away--whether they travel for pleasure or for knowledge. It is through the enticement of lesbian sex (a spectacle of attraction for straight and queer viewers alike) and through the wonderment of either "understanding" the other or "recognizing" oneself (fantasy of authenticity), through both "watching from a remove" and "being there," that The L Word captivates its straight and queer tourists.

Pulling away from the academic angle, I don’t agree with the idea of LLB being for a lesbian gaze, nor do I think that TLW was ‘for’ lesbians more than it was ‘enjoyed’ by lesbians – a show that can hit as many audiences at once is a good thing. dennis cass for the slade in 2004 wrote that the L word “often feels like it’s not about being gay at all” and that a lot of what the show presents is pretty removed from any lesbian experience as we know it, additionally writing on bette and tina’s marriage counselling that they “aren’t merely in couples therapy, they’re seeing one of L.A.’s hottest personal gurus—that you not only forget they’re lesbians, but that they live on Earth.” A pretty accurate read for how removed a lot of TLW is from anything, and, to me, sort of bypasses any notion of ‘representation’ by just how fantastical it is. ginia bellafante also wrote in 2009, after s6 aired, that “’The L Word’ is a Sapphic Playboy fantasia in which women with wrinkles or squishy thighs or an aversion to lingerie appear to have been flagged down on the freeway with urgent instructions to move to Seattle”. basically, yeah

TLW itself is very clearly appealing to its heterosexual audiences at the same time it appeals to lesbians, even through the same mechanisms – the character’s conventional attractiveness, their skinniness, their lack of bras and how you can 9/10 times see their nipples through their shirts, and all the lesbian sex shown in as much detail as they could get away with – and that is the core driving force of the show in a lot of ways. we can’t really have another TLW today for the same reasons that all media from the early 2000s has shifted to give women more complex characters, arcs, appearances, and functions – and that’s a good thing, obviously – which in turn demonstrates the lack of these things the characters in TLW actually had. At its core, it’s sexy and men are the people behind the companies getting it on TV, not necessarily specific men but the shadow of patriarchy and how women exist on the screen. This isn’t to say media creation and output has become a liberal utopia for women’s rights, but rather there has definitely been a shift in how women exist on screen and what roles they were given before – think easy fast and furious, or megan fox in transformers, or even how very popular musicians styled themselves and appeared to the massive; Shakira, Jennifer lopez, Britney spears, etc – which, to me, reflects a way in which TLW capitalises off the straight heteropatriarchy in its desire to show sexy women at all times, always available to be ogled. in a way, this sorta aligns with bellafante’s observation that the show had ‘never aligned itself with the traditionalist ambitions of a large faction of the gay rights movement’ (written in 2009, 6 years before gay marriage was legalised in the us) – the liberator in the l word is sex, and that’s what all the characters are constantly aiming for, nothing else. Similarly, the show gets so obsessed with defining who or what a lesbian is (throughout the whole of s1 as they look for signs of lesbianism in jenny, with jenny at that party, or with dana talking about her ‘gaydar’, and so by doing this it turns lesbianism into a visual brand, something that be hidden in plain sight, appeasing both the hetrosexual viewer and the lesbian seeker - Martina Ladendorf describes a branding of lesbian identities through TLW in a form of “thingification”, and so “the representations of lesbian identities are discursively displaced and the identity position “lesbian” is partially filled with new meanings in the televised text of The L-word.”  Ladendorf offers a far more generous reading than I do – to me, a lot of TLW needs to extrapolate lesbians from their womanhood and vice versa, creating a sort of woman who is a lesbian, rather than, simply, a lesbian

naturally, the l word is inherently a misogynist show , and in a lot of ways I think it’s unavoidable to think about when it comes to discussing schematics or opinions of the show, it’s a show full of, in the words of liz feldman in this interview, ‘beautiful lesbians with just nothing but time on their hands… and just somehow also money’. Obviously, the stereotypes the show puts forwards make it feel pretty cheap at time, and when the show ventures out into attempting to either tackle or just include plotlines about poverty, racism, transphobia, infidelity, (or plotlines it totally avoids, like conversations on butchness, gender non-conformity, or transfemininity), it honestly just gets stranger and stranger, not to mention the very active racism present in the show, via how pam grier’s character was written, handled, and expanded upon when she was by far one of the most skilled and seasoned actors on the show. a lot of issues I and other people have are through this lens, and hence why a lot of the pushback focuses on how little was understood about trans people in mainstream media back then, or how the show was just such a landmark moment that it was purely reflective of the times so it’s just nit-picking to be pointing out all its negative parts, which isn’t a sentiment I agree with at all, and instead I think of the l word as being both progressive and problematic for these reasons. Even as an addition, I feel like TLW is why we just don’t really need more tv shows like the L word… because we have the L word, and it’d be nice if we could have something different

so, when I talk about and recommend the l word I usually put it in these terms: season 1 is a phenomenal piece of storytelling and such a compelling way to create and introduce a show all about lesbianism to a world that is not filled with parallel lesbians, but rather is the only show on air in the world doing that exactly, and, following that, season 4 gets a little art deco and experimental as it pushes its characters through new, meaningful struggle, like tasha working in the military under ‘don’t ask don’t tell’ (fuck the army though), max living his new reality as a trans man (yeah it was dealt with horribly), bette dating jodi and this inviting so much conversation about art, disability, and deafness into the mix, and, in other ways, jenny and tina working together on her show, helena’s… gambling addiction or whatever, kit’s nonsense relationship shane’s nonsensical relationship. Imo these two seasons show the best of what the L word has to offer, which is, in S1, a sensitive introduction that pushes jenny through the wringer as she really becomes herself and takes hold of her destiny, and then in S4, these characters all essentially performing at their apex, in love, making mistakes, trying again, to the best of the l word’s ability to show any of this (relatively speaking, it’s the best TLW ever gets)

with all this in mind, I do think the show thrives in really profound ways at times. The real hook of it is, and always has been, season 1, which is just this ferociously strong exploration in television about such a serious sensitive topic, jenny’s coming out. a lot of criticism sort of facetiously responds to jenny’s character by focusing on her writing quality (which I honestly thought was fine lol!), and will ignore sincerely engaging with her in favour of laughing at how bad her character became as the writer’s lost the plot more and more, but I really do think that jenny in the first two seasons was just phenomenal, and mia kirshner’s fantastic meditative performance just stole the entire show for me. In season 1 as we are introduced to the show and their world through jenny’s process of coming out and ripping her life apart at the seams to live her ideal life (even if it was very explosive with marina and didn’t end well), which I just thought was such captivating writing about that moment of choice, where a character has to decide whether or not they’ll live their easy life or do the difficult thing. one of the scenes I have always come back to is in s1 where jenny has sex with tim and cries afterwards because that moment for her is the one where she realises she just can’t do it anymore, and seeing that in the show was just really otherworldly for me, I loved it and I thought it was amazing, and then later on in season 2 where jenny asks shane to cut her hair for her – a real splitting off from her regular, comfortable life, to ‘become’ a lesbian in heart and soul, was again just another moment where the writing and directing teams could really show some muscle in just how good the show could be, before dropping all presences and going back to whatever drivel they’d been doing. As a more technical note on the show, the inconsistent directors and writing is really hilarious, and sometimes the drop in quality between episodes is… staggering, to say the least

tbh s1 functions well as a drama-comedy mix because those scenes, as well as tina and bette’s fertility journey, is spliced within the rest of the nonsense going on, which I felt crafted this really enjoyable diametric swing throughout . arguably more than anything, jenny’s coming out was the best and most meaningful part of the show, and I really haven’t seen much other lesbian media hold a candle to it (though I could name a few). What they did with jenny as the show went on was disappointing to say the least, but s2 had a lot of heart in it as they attempted to have her coming to terms with her abuse (naturally, having finally discovered herself in s1) and focus more on what makes her happy – her writing. As the show continued to develop and jenny’s character just morphed into this unrecognisable thing, I even still think mia kirshner could perform such a charming take on it that I never really aligned myself to a lot of the jenny hate people joke about

other drama aspects in mind, like bette and tina’s marriage falling apart, bette’s other relationships (bette always seems to be the one facing the ‘serious problems), and even dana’s cancer and subsequent death, I thought were generally handled… ‘well’. Dana’s cancer worked interestingly within this as, while it was kind of bizarre, I think the relationship between alice and dana was a real life force on the show for a  while, and that whole situation meant that alice could go through some real, meaningful growth in her character which she’d been a little starved of to that point. perhaps my thoughts are that when the show focuses on cheating as the only method of things falling apart, that’s when it really starts to fumble, because cheating at that level is such a sitcom-only esque plotline that removes a lot of reality you might be looking for and finding charming in these shows. Equally, I just think cheating can be quite an alienating plotline!

But, to talk about writing alone, my god it gets shit. Various parts of the writing I remember disliking off the top of my head are dana’s season 2 girlfriend which turns into a weird trope of the pretty girls vs the ‘uglier’ one (her then-gf), when the max arc is in full swing (though I’ll be clear as well and say I loved Daniel Sea’s acting within the role, however bad the writing was), papi and the racism that guided the writers in constructing her character, the random plotline of the guy living with shane and jenny in season 2 (though I thought it could have been really interesting, almost a meta comment on men watching lesbians, men watching the l word, men watching lesbians in media).  Helena’s entire character was a little baffling to me, and while I did enjoy her at times and thought she was a hilarious addition to the cast, I just had no clue exactly what she was doing. Parts of the shows ideology itself is equally harmful, like alice and dana shopping for strap-ons (bc alice is bisexual and therefore loves penetrative sex, and dana is a lesbian and therefore doesn’t), or just that the shows ensemble cast reflects the background, and everyone is cis white thin feminine, etc.  until they’re not, like ivan or papi, or Dylan..? (or a character’s non-whiteness function as a sort of ethnic flair to them, say papi and carmen being Latina and that being their exciting ‘exotic’ traits), that floods the show with a very recognisable sort of white Hollywood liberalism, and if we can understand and comprehend that, we get a good working frame for the rest of what’s going on. as alice and tasha were arguing about the military it was, of course, them trying to suggest that alice is this very liberal character who disagrees with the war and tasha’s politics, but not enough to…. Break things off with her. Instead (fashion tumblr user steps in) she even joins in this roleplay and dresses more femininely around her, growing out her hair a little and everything – and alice in general usually had a pretty fluid sense of style, so it was an… interesting choice. And then Jamie shows up for some reason (and is similarly one of the very few reoccurring Asian characters on the show – her, Catherine (one of helena’s stupid love interests) and adele (who is not serious); actually to make a side note on how this show was received, there was even a petition to get the character’s from alice wu’s Saving Face (which is a brilliant movie, and you should watch it) to be on the show and bring more Asian representation, from autumn 2008)

One episode I think is pretty good for reading the ethos of how TLW engages with women who aren’t their ‘ideals’ is shown is, imo, episode 3? 4? of season 1, where lacey is harassing shane for moving on from her. Lacey is one of the very few characters who leans a little more into being gender nonconforming, yes still with the full face of makeup, but with heavy punk-ish eye makeup, short hair, leather jacket, a demanding attitude, (and she’s not fat, but definietely has more weight on her than any of the verrrrry skinny main cast), and all-in-all embodies a kind of paltry attempt at TLW at bringing in someone with more of an edge, perhaps a modern day masc we might imagine – she’s really one of the only women I can think of on the show, let alone women that shane gets with, who isn’t an ultra-feminine character with long hair, tall, skinny, petite frame, etc. devoid of reality, the show really pushes on her as this over-demanding woman who reactedly badly to shane using her and moving on, and of course the show is trying to show us that shane uses people without much care for them, but doing so through lacey lets you sympathise more with shane than it would if they’d brought in a far more feminine woman who could play that damsel in distress role through looks alone. Lacey’s problems are like a pet or a child’s wherein you do what they want (in this case, another 1 night stand) to appease them, and then you get them off your back. The writing itself is very bizarre, but the fact that they used a woman who was just a little left of centre from the standard the show had set of these beautiful women in Hollywood, demonstrates enough

likewise, to go from here and talk about gender non-conformity, one of the strangest lines on the show was always kit in season 3 episode 9 saying “It just saddens me to see so many of our strong butch girls giving up their womanhood to be a man” – why she said that, I don’t know, some sort of meditation on her bizarre relationship with ivan perhaps? But that relationship fell apart because ivan was… not a man… and couldn’t be a man… whereas max is a man and could be a man, so I just don’t know.

Kit: Why can't you be the butchest butch in the world... and keep your body? Max: Because I wanna feel whole.

and he is so punished for that split away from butchness into transness, even by the woman who is notably placed outside of the lesbianism of the show – which is arguably worse than having one of the lesbians come at him for it, as kit is more or less representative of “the rest of the world” in these types of conversations, pushing max away from transition while the lesbians of the show, the ones who, you would imagine, have had some sort of intersection with transness once before (again, notably shane, who, as part of her traumatic backstory, was mistaken for a boy when she was a teenager and was paid by men to give them a handjobs) . instead the show curiously places kit there as some voice of reason, and the rest of the lesbian cast are kind of fast and loose with the whole thing. when they do talk about butchness in s3e3, it’s just bizarre. Pre-transition max pulls shane with him to unpack the car as “us butches”, and carmen giggles and jokingly calls shane a “big butch” even though, again, she’s the closest thing the show gets to reoccurring butchism, and is likely seen and imagined as butch by a lot of the people watching . at dinner later on in the episode, they make a joke about him not being “stone butch”… as if that’s a way of measuring masculinity rather than a sexual identity, before shane interrupts the conversation to say “You know what, what difference does it make whether someone is butch or femme?”. again, she is the butchest one at the table, and very notable not butch, but has gone up so close to the border before, you really wonder… why. Why there is such intense resolution to not make her butch, but really it’s because TLW functions in the absence of the butch – alice eler puts it succinctly: “The L-Word asserts that a “femme” lesbian woman is more desirable than a “butch” lesbian.”

In tlw, butch and femme are always roles played rather than realities lived, so it defaults to femininity being ‘standard’  - and this is where, imo, a lot of reaction to max’s transition hinges on. If the show can’t allow any character to firmly be ‘butch’, so when a character takes on butchness as a passage to realising his truth, that he is a trans man, it pulls out all the ugly thoughts and feelings held by certain lesbians about trans men who were, previously, identifying as lesbians/butch lesbians. Here, it really creates a perfect storm for TLW to uphold dangerous ideology (how they showed max’s transition was horrible), and justifying their cis lesbian audience’s response (they got angry that the only character who transgressed gender went ‘too far’ with it, essentially, living his truth in a way they didn’t like). I imagine, if TLW had functioning butch characters on the show, this all might’ve played out differently, but if TLW let go of its standard of femininity, then it… isn’t sexy, becoming too lesbian and too trans and alienates its non-lesbian audience, getting too deeply invested in its lesbianism than it is with its glamour. An interview with Ilene chiaken that gets thrown around a lot is here: on max, “She’s our first real butch on the show — a fabulously attractive butch, but nonetheless a real butch,” Chaiken said. “And we deal with the issue of gender. We wanted to tell that story, a big story in the gay community and, in the last couple years, a huge story in the lesbian community.” it’s an interesting statement for sure– gender transgression has always been a part of lesbianism (read any book ever), and with the advent of the internet and online communities – afterellen being founded in 2002 – more conversations could be had by lesbians from all walks of life, from any economic background or lived reality of race, ability, anything.  jack halberstam writes interestingly in Transgender Butch about butch/ftm borders that,

The distinction that some butches need to make between lesbianism and butchness hinges on a distinction between sexual and gender identities. Lesbian, obviously, refers to sexual preference and to some version of the “woman-loving woman.” Butch, on the other hand, bears a complex relation of disidentification with femininity and femaleness and, in terms of sexual orientation, could refer to “woman-loving butch” or “butch-loving butch.

butchness, and max’s ex-butchness, is never truly interacted or responded to in the show – ivan states he doesn’t mind being referred to as a he, shane half-heartedly defends butchism by asking her friends to stop talking about it, and max finds himself as a man through a meaningful identification with butchism and ‘disidentification’ with femininity to then finding a reidentification with not just masculinity, but manhood, which lends way to him truly discovering himself. Curiously, in response to this, this reidentification is one step too far, and suddenly its actually ok to be butch on the l word. The rest of the cast seems to ask him over and over again, why by a man? Why not be butch? But in the world of TLW, to be butch and to be trans are both radical acts of nonconformity, to disidentify is to no longer be the thing that sells, so you very fundamentally cannot do any of it – lisa the male lesbian in s1 is played for laughs as a transmisogynist  punchline, and carmen giggling at the idea of shane being butch (and thus disidentifying) demonstrates that this is equally hilarious.

from this angle, i feel that TLW functions primarily as a show about women attracted to women, not lesbians attracted to lesbians (lesbian as gender, as identifier, as being). Immovable womanhood is the centre of everything, constructing familiarity, and to stray is to exit safe perimeters that TLW establishes within unradical, conformist, cisgendered white femininity. candace Moore, again, writes that TLW “positions lesbianism as a sensibility, not a sexuality. This is particularly important because as a sensibility, lesbianism can potentially be co-opted by straight viewers.”

of course, it would be remiss to fail in mentioning that much of this discussion about tlw’s association to butchness is very much within whiteness as well – we can argue that tasha is a stud even if she never says the word herself, her specific attraction being to “girly girls” and her riding a motorbike, always with a more masculine wardrobe, and being in the……. Army………. Really aligns her with this sentiment. I do think she’s a stud, but this being off the back of the show’s depiction of max sits so strangely, and we can’t ignore that her blackness is so instinctually connected to how they wrote her – in a world where no one else can be a butch, why then is the only dark skinned black lesbian more masculine leaning than the rest of them? yes, racism, and all tied in to her nationalism and dedication to the army. It’s certainly an interesting choice for the writers to make and, while she is one of my favourites in the whole show, I definitely have a lot of pause with why she was written and created the way she was, and what she offers the show politically – she holds space as a particularly vulnerable body, a dark skin black stud lesbian, but maintains the status quo of the country and of American imperialism. What’s the message? Even the most unavailable of lesbians can still be patriots??? the individual's physical unfuckable body is still acessible through american aligience?

As later seasons continued to get worse, parts I did really enjoy were tasha’s entire character, molly’s entire character, seeing tina ‘get her life back’ as it were and return to painting, jodi’s entire character, all the music featured, and bette and tina getting back together was really well written and laurel holloman and Jennifer beals are just two very strong actors steering that ship, and random moments throughout I really enjoyed (specifically bette’s professional life gave a lot of breathing room for the show to have other funny little characters, like her office assistants etc) that I’m struggling to remember here rn tbh but generally even as the show was getting bad, the more ridiculous things got the more fun I was having, but the later seasons ‘drama’ was a little painful. If it had started as a drama and then shifted into something more palatable, I think it would’ve been great, but really anything that wasn’t season 6 would have been fine.. just such an unforgiving and cruel way to end the show, and I thought adding jenny to the mix of toxic sad relationships after leaving her straight life and coming to terms with her abuse was such a mean-spirited and cruel way to end it IDK! And this is why the l word FAILS as a sitcom, bc at least usually (to my knowledge) the  idea is that at the end… they’re kinda happy and stepping into another new life with some stability and lifelong friends!!! But instead TLW said fuck you and I hate you

anyway yeah closing thoughts… if you watch TLW without even thinking about representation I think it’s an easy watch, bc what I was watching it for is psycho lesbians who don’t act normally and that’s what I got. All caricatures of themselves or whatever they’re performing in the shadows of, and, in a way – and maybe this is a little weird to say – but I think the lesbians in the show are, to me, like watching a species of lesbian that I myself am not. Which is a shame because, if I recall correctly, a lot of those musical performances in the show were about exposing the world to lesbian music that broke the norm and went against the stereotype of music people associated with lesbians at the time, showing them on the cutting edge of new sound, which somehow did not cross into the actual meat of the show at all. And I haven’t spoken at all about it here, but a lot of those musical features are my favourite parts of the show and made some of those scenes just electric, magical parts of storytelling on tv

to address the “you”/I in what “I think”, and this one actually is TMI, when I first watched the L word, it was when I had really just finished coming to terms with my own lesbianism back in late 2021, early 2022 (I was gay and trans before this, but hiding from myself and my sexuality and my gender in complex ways, living a sort of double life online and offline – this was more an unforgiving reckoning with who I was vs what the life I was leading looked like). i was finally letting myself think about it holistically, reflecting on conversion therapy and how I navigated my desires and my identity. I wrote a lot of melodramatic diary entries and was trying to figure out how to handle a 3 year long semi-formed, confusing, and impressively undefined ‘situation’ship I was in with a guy while I was living alone during a gap year. all I really did in this time was go to the gym, go on walks, go to therapy, and think… a lot. by the time I started watching TLW I had come to terms with my lesbianism (and its inextricable relationship to my gender), but watching jenny go through something I had basically been in the thick of myself (just without all the sex and the cheating and the sex and the sex and the sex), and was, at that point, yet to experience the real horror of, meant a lot to me, and, just from some reading online, I’ve understood too how the early seasons of TLW really helped a lot of other lesbians come out to themselves or start thinking about where they might sit in relation to lesbianism. again, TLW fails time and time again at any sort of political radicalism, but when you’re so, so painfully alone and you don’t really have anyone to talk to about these desires, or even have the strength to talk about these things out loud, I do think somehow the unabashed desire flung around the screen of TLW does one thing, and that is to declare that lesbianism doesn’t have to be in your head, and that even good change can be really difficult when it’s something like this, and that, to me, was the best thing TLW added to the conversation about lesbian TV and reflects, for a lot of lesbians who find themselves trying to navigate repression and abuse, the experience that we’re still moving through: taking hold of our lives with our own hands

beyond that, beyond being a story about transformation – which I do think really permeates the first season (dana coming out to the world and to her parents; shane learning how to love or whatever the fuck genuinely; tina and bette trying and failing and trying to live the life they’d always dreamt of; marina navigating her own bad relationship through a sort of uncaring outwards desire;  bette ‘choosing’ the wrong path from her married life and cheating; kit re-entering the world of professional music and working hard to get into that music video thing situation – I think s1 is just such a rare gem of tv, that had so many flaws in it and so much was mishandled, but it came to it all with a lot of heart. But still that same angle is what alienates it from reality and sets it up as this fantasy land of woman-who-engage-in-lesbianism and abstractifies lesbian reality to make way for lesbian (or straight) fantasies of standard hegemony with a little zest. As it goes on however, it falls so hard to the more difficult aspects already clear at its start, and dramatizes their sexual escapades and relationships endlessly in a way that gives, says, and does nothing. jill dolan describes it well, albeit more positively than I have here: “part of the fun has become to simply go with it, to enjoy its excesses of character and plot and to tolerate its rather sweetly absurd attempts at relevance and authenticity.” and you really can ‘go with it’ for a while, but to put it shortly, TLW is not a show worth following to the end of the earth