#break up scenes are hard irl and in fiction :(

[leikeliscomet]

(Reposting from twitter)

My POV as a Black fan that thinks Dot and Bubble's racism commentary is trash

Rewatched Dot and Bubble and I'm gonna break down from my POV as a Black fan why this episode didn't work for me & why it's an awful racism commentary. Long arse post incoming:

The whole "You should've noticed the cast was all white except for fifteen ha your bias is showing" doesn't work for a show that's been predominantly white for 60+ years. D&B casting has been the default for most of the show so its not abnormal enough to be a racial litmus test. An example is the Matt Smith era The only reoccurring character of colour in s5 (2+ appearances) is Liz 10. Artie n Angie in s7. 0 in s6. RTD's own era isn't fully safe either. For many eps Martha or Mickey are the *only* Black characters. Most POC are side characters or extras.

White fans should be aware of the predominantly white casting of the show but this late in the game feels cheap. Most of the show has gone through 100% white episodes including fan faves and it was never an issue back then bc it was beneficial. This is so hollow. Representing racists as cartoon caricatures SEVERLY underestimates the danger of white supremacy irl. White supremacy is system designed and constructed and rebranded over centuries. It is not accidental. People aren't racist bc they don't know they're racist because they *do* They know the system that oppresses POC, Black people especially, benefits them socially and financially and that is why they participate. Its not stupidity it's intention. That should've been the Finetime core not Lindy goofing around bc the arrows are gone or some shit.

Human Nature showed us racist young people that exercised this power bc they knew this. They may be children but they are still dangerous bc of their views. Martha knew this. The silly tech obsessed gen z angle erases this danger and that of actual gen z white supremacy

Instead of the camp goofy tone we could've gotten a serious focused episode. The slugs and millenial/gen z social media silly distracts from what could've been the main theme of colonisation instead of saving it for 10 mins of exposition at the end & scattering microaggressions. Saving Fifteen's racism scene for a goofy episode was a horrid idea. Spending 30 mins on representing racism as silliness then giving a dramatic dangerous score is the definition of tonal whiplash. Representing his oppressor as a blonde bimbo again does not take this seriously. Fifteen went to 1960s BRITAIN & got through it unscathed. Finetime is a fictional futuristic land but the racism of 1960s Britain was real. If anytime was right it could've been Devil's Chord. Distancing yourself from a panto villain is easy but addressing your history is hard.

The scene itself is incredibly performed so I'll give Ncuti his flowers but what he used this skill for could've been so much more. Having his FIRST SCENE begging to save a racist is disgusting. It isn't Black people's responsibility to show compassion to people that want us dead. Yes the Doctor helps the baddies bc they care. But they're aren't ignorant to prejudice. The liberal anti racism of who is so jarring and why I still think Thin Ice is performative. When white people are angry at injustice it's radical. When it's Black people we're aggressive.

Respectability politics is a tool of white supremacy. That if one pleads and is nice enough they can earn liberation. What would white fans think of Fifteen if he DIDN'T beg Lindy? If your allyship with Black people depends on showing kindness to racists you are NOT an ally.

Next up is Ricky. It was established ALL Finetime citizens have white supremacist views yet Ricky September stans refuse to see him in any negative light. Just like Joan Redfern white dw fans refuse to see racism if a character is likeable. If nice guy Ricky's a racist, then anyone no matter the niceness can be racist too and that's a pill white fans aren't ready to swallow. If racism is systemic and not about individual character, then what's keeping them safe? What happens when YOU are under the microscope.

THIS is why we NEED Black writers in Doctor Who. The nuances, depth and complexity of the Black experience can only be told at it's best by Black creatives and not guessed, assumed or spoken over by white fans and white writers. It's okay to put ego aside and say you don't get it.

"Im white but I loved the Doctor's reaction" "I'm white and i thought the racism commentary was great" "I'm white but i-" Yet again, we have to sit through another round of white and non Black fans of colour dictating Black representation for us. I'm so fucking tired man. AGAIN IM YELLING FROM MY HILLTOP TO WATCH SHOWS BY BLACK WRITERS. Almost EVERY single theme in Dot and Bubble and frankly most of the show has been done WAY better in other media. RTD is not the authority on Black stories. We are. Always have been and always will.

Tl;dr Dot and Bubble is an unserious and tacky racism commentary. It's core message is drowned by more RTD Who camp. Don't tell me this episode was good at representating my own experience. It wasn't. S15 having Black writers isn't a need it's a must. Goodbye.

Reblog this version pls

[ambrosialdesire]

OMG i would like to request yandere bertolt x paradis reader.you can pick whatever part of the timeline you want, maybe he managed to survive to take her to marly, or maybe she just tried to escape on marly or paradis, or maybe he just kidnapped her I don't really care

Thank you

desiderate

18+ DARK CONTENT BELOW, MINORS AND BLANK BLOGS DNI

pairing: s4 bertolt x fem!reader word count: 9.5k warnings + tags: general yandere and obsessive themes, unhealthy relationships, some explicit sexual content, s4 bertolt au, implied non-con, violence, kidnapping mention, stalking, forced kissing (kinda dubcon), slight groping, kinda masochistic bertolt, cigarette usage/smoking, blood kink, knife kink, slight voyeurism, male masturbation mention, panty jerking off mention (?), slight body mutilation, scarification implications, all characters are 18+ synopsis: they've brought you here on this foreign land, a land that was once believed to be completely overrun with monsters. you've been living pretty easy with this new life of yours but it's hard to forget about what he's done to your old home. this singular man, capable of complete destruction despite his nervous demeanor. there may be humans here but the true monster still remained, watching your every move until he was ready to strike. a/n: IM NGL IVE BEEN WAITING FOR SOMEONE TO REQUEST BERTOLT LMFAO i made bro a creep cause i feel like between bertie and reiner, bertie definitely has the tendency to be lurking and stalking behind corners and constantly following you and finding to opportunity to snatch your underwear to jerk off into LOL the reference that i used for s4 bertolt is this fanart that was used in a tiktok edit but i have no idea who made the art and it's making me scream bc it's definitely how i imagine what he looks like (but with thicker chin stubble) and i want to give the right creds (if you look up s4 bertolt/bertholdt fanart on google and see a tiktok image of him smoking, that's what i'm talking about but i want to give actual creds to the artist) also mb on the smoking scenes idk how it feels to smoke but i do sorta know the distinct smell of it this is also in no way connected to the cacoëthes series just to let yall know hehe i hope you enjoy this anon! thank sm for your request!! and sorry for the wait LOL note: please keep in mind of the tags above and do not proceed if triggering or uncomfortable, especially if you are a minor!! do not read my or any other writers' dark content if you are underaged. this is a fictional work and does not reflect irl morals, do not believe this is how a real romance works or functions.

─── ･ ｡ﾟ☆: .☽ . :☆ﾟ.───

"Call off your damn hound Reiner, I'm getting sick of his shit."

Pushing past the blond as you entered his home, you made your way to his dining table. You huffed as you sat down, leaning back against the chair as your boot-covered legs kicked up on the wooden table. Reiner rolled his eyes, pushing them back down to the ground with a heavy thud. He crossed his arms, leaning on the wall adjacent from where you sat.

"A hello first would suffice. What's Bertolt getting himself into again?"

"My business!" Exasperated, you threw your hands over your face. "He keeps fucking following me and it's starting to freak me out. You guys know I'm not suspicious anymore, there's no way for me to be able to contact Paradis Island at all."

Saying your old home's name had started to feel foreign on your tongue unfortunately. It's been over four years since you've been whisked away by these two assholes and living here has been nothing but a thorn on your side. You worked under the Warrior Unit, mostly a simple soldier for both Bertolt and Reiner to boss around for basic things. It's nothing different from your time as a scout but it's frustrating working for them instead of with them.

You don't know why they took you away with them instead of breaking out their other accomplice, Annie, but after a handful of screaming, punching, kicking, and biting from you, they managed to drag you off to the boat. You stayed there for an estimated week or so with random strangers coming and going, poking and prodding at you as if you were one of Hange's experiments on Eren and randomly caught Titans.

The two of them finally came back one random night unconscious, battered and beaten to the point where their Titan healing powers couldn't even help them fast enough. You needed them alive — how else were you going to manage escaping this unknown place of theirs — so you helped tend to their wounds, staying at their sides until they were finally awake.

Once they were conscious enough, you punched Reiner square on the nose, spinning around to smash your knuckles right into Bertolt's cheek. Your hand was throbbing in pain but the burning fury you felt was stronger. By the time they woke up, the boat already was leaving the docks, and now you were most likely already miles away from home.

"You fucking assholes."

Blood was dripping down his nose, while a cut just barely formed on the bruised skin of the other. It was in vain however. Steam was steadily coming out of the two of them, meaning that the healing was back in working condition.

"FUCK! I didn't even say anything yet!" Reiner scowled as he placed his hands around his nose, snapping it back in place with a nauseating crack.

Bertolt laid there quietly however, lanky fingers brushing against the welt on his face but he was unable to meet your stare. Tears started streaming down your face, your body crumpling to the floor. You were completely hurt, you trusted these two like they were family, especially Bertolt. Was he really who you thought he was? How could they do this to you? To everyone back in Paradis?

"Why? Why me?"

The two of them fell even more silent, Reiner looking up at the ceiling while Bertolt closed his eyes shut as if he was the one that was currently going through it.

"Well say something goddamnit! Why am I here?" You were beyond angry, voice crackling from how loud you were screaming at them. "Tell me!"

Bertolt finally opened his eyes, pale green staring into yours. You couldn't see him. There was only the Colossal Titan looking down at you as if you were nothing but an insignificant speck on the wall. He opened his mouth, uttering remorselessly one phrase that made you even more resentful of their entire beings.

"I'm sorry."

Now you were here after long months of being processed and interviewed over and over by many Marleyan higher-ups, eventually and finally gaining their trust. You knew they still didn't like you but who really gives a shit, they left you alive and that's all you could be grateful for.

Since you directly worked underneath the two Titan shifters, they were able to get you housing and some basic supplies for you to be able to function properly in their society, as well as a good amount of pocket money to buy whatever you needed. You didn't go out of the house for a month though, still horribly and rightfully angry at them. You were also afraid of the idea that you'd get mobbed immediately once you stepped out and killed on sight by the locals.

Bertolt was the one that finally knocked on your door, tired and baggy eyes focused on the peephole. Part of you wanted to keep the door closed and ignore his presence, but he might report you or something stupidly petty. When you opened it up, the faint waft of bitter tobacco invaded your senses, nose wrinkling at the unfamiliar smell.

As you looked up at him, he felt and looked even more like a stranger than a past friend. It's only been a month but it looked like he had gotten broader at the shoulders and taller. He was wearing a beige uniform, a white undershirt and black tie peeking out of the chest of the long, belted trench coat. His black hair was partially pushed back with gel, slightly being more grown out from the last time you saw him. The way he held himself now in Marley was completely different from Paradis, an eerie calmness surrounding his person. He used to hunch into himself when he was a trainee and a soldier, but now his back was rigid and straight, arms hidden neatly behind his back. The posture reminded you of the utmost dedicated soldiers in the Scout Regiment.

"You haven't been going to work." He softly spoke, his head slightly tilting to the side.

"So?"

"Failure to comply means termination. Termination means you'll get kicked out of Marley. Getting kicked out of Marley means death." Alright, straight to the point. Even the way he was speaking sounded different, as if he had suddenly gained a newfound confidence that was only present here in his homeland.

"You guys really thought I was able to function properly in a new continent where everything is different in a few months? Not to mention, I'm still pissed off at the two of you but fine. I'll come in tomorrow. Goodbye." You proceeded to close the door on him but he stopped it with his boot. Groaning under your breath, you tried pushing at the door so he could back off, but it was to no avail.

His hand grabbed the side of the door and heaved it open with little struggle, letting himself in as you toppled back into the ground from the force.

"You haven't been going out at all. When's the last time you bought groceries?" You flinched, avoiding his judging gaze. How did he know?

"Last month." You muttered as you got up from the ground, brushing yourself off.

Bertolt sighed, glancing off to the side. "Okay. I'll wait here for 15 minutes. Go get dressed and get your money, I'll help you navigate the markets."

You didn't want to but food was definitely running low, and you don't know how long the canned meat in your pantry was going to last in your anger-riddled protest. You made your way upstairs, rummaging through the closet and grabbing the cleanest clothes you were able to find and put on within the time limit he gave. Making your way back down, you found him in the exact same spot, his eyes glancing around the living room.

"Alright. Let's go and we're going to make it quick. I don't think I can stomach standing next to you for this long." You bitterly grumbled, moodily pulling the door open. Bertolt followed after, closing the door for you and taking the lead. What sucked even more was how quickly you had to dash after him, his steps being too large for you to have a steady pace next to him. Maybe him being a near giant compared to a normal person — you noticed as the two of you walked through crowds of people — was thanks to the Titan DNA.

Each passerby gave you a look as you walked on through but never spared a second glance, which was good. You knew that you were an unfamiliar being, a foreigner that was never supposed to be here in the first place. The farmer's market was still open, vegetables and fruits neatly lined up in each stall. He did most of the talking, being able to haggle easier due to his status and the blaring armband that wrapped around his upper arm. You didn't like having to be publicly labeled, it felt like you were merely a product rather than a person.

You were focusing on a stall with jars of honey and jams when some person suddenly shoved you aside with their shoulder, body suddenly losing its balance due to the amount of groceries you were holding on one arm. You prepared for the impact of the cobbled ground but never felt it, instead feeling a firm hand snug in-between your curve of your side and another on your shoulder.

"Careful now." You opened your eyes, meeting his in shock once he steadied you back on your feet. Bertolt's face soon turned to a bright red, his hands quickly leaving you, and his gaze glancing away. Perhaps there really is still some semblance of the man you knew in your homeland.

"Th-thanks..." Adjusting the bag stiffly back up your arms, you proceeded forwards without him, leaving him behind at the stall. It became a usual thing eventually, he'd come over every two weeks to make sure you were fine and the two of you would go out buying your necessities for an hour or two. It didn't erase the fact that you still hated them, but at least he was helping you get comfortable in this strange new world.

You finally started going to work as promised, wearing an awkward and stuffy white uniform that made even the tangling straps of the cadet uniform pale in comparison. According to the paper that came with the uniform, you were to report to Reiner and Bertolt in one of the headquarters' rooms. However, the details were so vague that you were completely lost in the beginning, roaming the hallways without a clue where you were heading.

"Soldier. Face me."

You stiffened, turning around and straightening up. The tall man was vaguely familiar, a full blond beard lining his face and round spectacles hiding his eyes. His right hand raised up as if he was saying hello and you quickly returned the gesture, somewhat remembering that it was their version of a salute.

"Name and ranking?"

"Y/N L/N, er... I'm not sure of my ranking sir. I just know I'm assigned to work for the Vice Captain and one of the Warriors?" You shuffled your feet awkwardly and he nodded, gesturing his hand for you to follow him. He started scratching his ear as he walked, as if he was in thought. To you, he really felt familiar but you couldn't quite place where the feeling belonged.

"Ah yes," His eyes glanced at you, the blue color peeking out from behind the glasses. "Now I remember. You're Reiner and Bertolt's human souvenir from the devil island, aren't you?"

Is that what they called you? And how dare he call your home a devil island! A bubble of anger was rising within you, but you didn't want to take it out on the older man that was helping you find your way. He had to be a higher-up based on his demeanor and you'd rather not get in more trouble.

"...Yes sir, I am."

"You were supposed to be here a month ago." You cringed internally but nodded slowly.

"It's my fault sir. I've only been here for a few months and everything is too... new. I hope my absence didn't affect anything." The man simply hummed, stopping at a door with the words 'WARRIORS UNIT' neatly carved into the wood. You pulled the door for him, letting him saunter in before you entered.

"I found your little pet, you two." His hand pressed against the small of your back, pushing you forwards towards a table where the two of them sat. They looked completely exhausted and were partially bandaged up, quietly sparing a glance at you with a short wave.

You settled yourself in-between them, about to thank the man for helping you but he was already stepping away, going outside to light up a cigarette.

"Don't mind Zeke, he's just... eccentric like that. Hope he didn't offend you." Reiner pushed a pile of papers towards you to sort once you turned back to them, saying something about piling them from who sent them; the important files being from the commander and the Marleyan superiors and the unimportant files being from other soldiers. It slowly dawned on you that you became some sort of assistant to them, a glorified secretary for their war schemes.

"It's nothing too difficult, you're lucky to get this kind of work compared to us and the other Eldian soldiers." Bertolt slightly smiled, continuing to read a paper in his hands and you sighed quietly, beginning to sort. Part of you was grateful you didn't have to face war anymore, but the other part didn't want to be treated differently. Maybe the Marleyans thought that you'd defect once you were on the field or kill as many as you can with a weapon in your hands, going out in a blaze of glory. You never held a gun before though and it was most likely that everyone in this military could shoot you down before you could aim it at one person.

An hour or two passed by and you finished up the sorting, neatly tapping them together. It really wasn't a difficult task at all, were they going to make you do something else for today? You quietly waited for any orders, the two focused on their own thing until Reiner suddenly got up.

"I'll go get lunch for us. Y/N, you can relax for now, there's nothing else we need from you today. Good work." He ruffled the top of your head playfully, just like he did before after a training session in the corps. The blond soon left the room, leaving only Bertolt and you alone.

The two of you sat in silence, your hands fiddling with the seams of your uniform. Was sorting the only thing you're going to be doing during your time here? You'd quit within the month if that was the case but if not, maybe in due time you'll save enough money to open up your own shop. You've always wanted to sell clothing back in Paradis, just like your mother and father.

"You look good in the uniform." Bertolt finally mumbled out, the sound of a paper flipping over barely making it audible. You slightly flushed at the comment, diverting your attention to the closest wall in sight.

"Really? I feel like a wet cotton ball, it's so uncomfortable. The scouts uniform is way better." You grumbled, tugging at the cloth around your legs.

He slightly laughed at that, shaking his head. "No way. The scouts uniform was too tight, not to mention the straps were always so difficult to put on."

"Maybe it's cause you're a literal giant compared to everyone there. I just know they had to customize a whole other set for your ass." He snorted and started laughing, dropping the paper in his hand. You couldn't help but let out a few chuckles as well, crossing your arms together. The two of you bantered for a little bit longer and just for a second, it felt like you were right back home in the training corps canteen.

Everything fuzzed out in your hearing and you soon found yourself comparing home to here. The smells were different, not quite fresh as the countryside air and had a more smoky tone with every breath you took. The sights were different, more machinery was seen rather than grassy fields and trees. The people were different, there was no one recognizable to chat with besides your kidnappers. Everything here had entirely evolved and you were being forced to adapt to it. The realization made you feel a drop in your stomach, tears beginning to form in the corners of your eyes.

"Bertolt."

"Hm?"

"I want to go back home." Your voice was meek, heavy droplets falling down and staining the white fabric beneath you. His body stiffened and he got up from his chair, almost slamming it into the table when he pushed it in.

"This is your home." He responded coldly, a singe of irritation trailing off his words as he left the room, slamming the heavy door shut. You started to sob quietly, tightly holding onto the sides of your sleeved arms.

No it wasn't, and Bertolt knew it too.

‘•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’

Your work schedule was simple: Monday to Wednesday from 9:30 am to 6 pm, you served the Warrior Unit. Every other day, you could do whatever you wanted and that was that. The pay was pretty good for a livable wage, but nothing special. No task you were given from Reiner or Zeke was too difficult either, it was usually just sending out letters to their superiors or sorting anything they wanted you to sort. To be honest, it felt like they were just tolerating you since the Marley government didn't want to deal with you anymore. It sucked but it's better than being belly-up in the ocean.

You haven't tried to make amends with Bertolt after that day because one, it was his fault so why would you apologize anyways and two, he hasn't been around that often in the office space. Reiner explained to you that there will be days, sometimes weeks or months where some or none of them will be here. Apparently when they came back with the failure to retrieve the Founding Titan, the loss of Annie and her Titan, and the inability to capture Eren's special Titan, some nations came together and declared war on Marley.

"Hopefully it won't be so often that we're going to be gone for long. Wouldn't want to have you sit at home and do nothing." Reiner teased with a slight nudge against your arm before downing his glass of liquor.

"I do nothing even when working. Maybe I'll pick up some new hobbies when you guys are gone, like knitting or cross-stitching."

Maybe you can give the creations to your neighbors since you were just doing it for fun. One of them is an expectant mother and since you had moved in, she had been nothing but kind to you. It would be nice to give something to her in return.

"Alright grandma." You elbowed his side hard, rolling your eyes. He grunted and started rubbing the affected area, grumbling under his breath about your temper.

"Where's Bertolt? Aren't you guys inseparable?" He suddenly cleared his throat, adjusting himself in his seat. Back in the training corps and the short time in the Survey Corps, you've rarely seen the two separated. Wherever Reiner went, Bertolt followed suit.

"Probably caught up in something. He'll be here soon, he never cancels without notice." He waved his hand dismissively and you thought none the wiser, tracing your finger around the rim of your glass before taking a swig.

"Already missing him?" You suddenly choked on the liquor, throat burning at the sensation. No way. No way in hell, you'd ever miss him. He could get swallowed up by another Pure Titan and you wouldn't even bat an eye. You'd laugh instead, basking in the blood that would gush out of his torn corpse.

Before you could even say anything back, a soft voice popped into the conversation. "Missing who?"

The two of you turned and there stood Marley's behemoth, still dressed to the nines in his uniform. Reiner greeted him happily, ignoring the question completely, turning towards the bartender and ordering another scotch for his friend. Bertolt settled right next to you, taking the glass in his hand and drinking up the entire thing in one go, some liquid spilling out of the corner of his lips. He quickly wiped it up with his thumb, his tongue peeking out and licking the remnants away. His cold green eyes glanced down at you suddenly, catching you staring at him.

A flush of heat went through your skin, quickly looking away to stare into your partially-full glass. The drinks kept on coming, the haze of alcohol filling everyone's systems. You were the least intoxicated, slowly taking in the new attitudes and information from your drunk companions. It wasn't much but they became more chatty, opening up about their lives before Paradis.

"I joined because of my mother." Reiner moved his glass towards the bartender, his head leaned up against his arm as he watched the brown liquid fill up his cup.

"Oh yeah?" He nodded, taking a sip from the newly refilled glass before speaking once more.

"She had high hopes that our family would've been whole again. Me, her, and my father. He's, uh—" He cleared his throat, turning his attention towards you. A faint dust of pink rested on his cheeks, a cheeky smile growing. "He's a Marley-blooded man, so y'know... I'm not really supposed to..."

"Exist." You muttered as you finished his sentence and he let out a soft laugh, nodding lightly before downing his drink again.

"Harsh, but more or less, you could say that's it. Compared to me though," The black-haired man closed his eyes, huffing softly. "Bertolt here is more tragic."

Curious but puzzled, you turned your attention towards him, his hand running through his gelled locks and he mumbled something under his breath before taking a shot. You did wonder a bit about how this man turned out to be the worst attacker on Paradis Island's humanity, it felt sickening thinking about a sweet little boy being trained into a horrid monster.

"You know I hate talking about it Reiner." The blond snorted, turning on his chair and leaning back on the bar's counter.

"C'mon. Let her in on your situation, after all—" He stood up, walking over to him and placing his hand over his shoulder, leaning in close to his ear that you almost barely caught what he said.

"You owe her that much."

Reiner made his way to the bathroom, leaving the two of you alone once more together. The thought of trying to decipher what he meant flew past your inebriated mind and so you sat in silence, instead thinking that you might as well make your way home now. It was probably already past midnight, and you were sure that you were waking up late with a massive headache. As you finalized your decision, turning in your stool and towards the door without a goodbye, the thump of glass hitting wood snapped you out of it.

"I was raised only by my dad." Bertolt started and you slowly turned back towards the counter, your full attention on him.

"Don't know what happened to my mom, he never really told me and I was never curious enough to ask. It was just the two of us for as long as I knew but even as a kid that could barely read, I knew that he wasn't... okay." His fists clenched together and you could hear the cracks of his joints from how tightly he was gripping.

"When you're born an Eldian and live in the farthest parts of the internment camps, medicine is hard to get by and treatment is even more difficult to obtain. The minute I became eligible to join, I took the opportunity." You don't know what compelled you in the moment, but you placed a hand on one of his fists. He started relaxing once he realized that you were touching him, still stiff as he reminisced further.

"Did they give him the meds?" Bertolt nodded, taking in a shallow breath.

"A few days right after I inherited the Colossal, they started giving him everything they promised and he was getting better day by day. It wasn't until I left for our mission in Paradis that his condition evolved into something worse." You swallowed nervously, slipping your fingers into his and holding his massive hand gently. His head turned towards you, his eyes soft as he looked into your gaze.

You've never seen or heard him be so vulnerable before, guilt forming in the pit of your stomach. For him, he was fighting a one-sided war against your home, all because he wanted to take care of his dad. Yet in return, he caused the displacement of so many from their families, ripping them apart with a few kicks into the walls.

"When Zeke came on Paradis and we finally met up, I asked him about my dad and he told me that despite all the medicine and treatment that he's been getting, he wasn't getting any better. I had to see him again, no matter if I had failed the original mission or not. I couldn't die on that island without being able to see him again and I just barely made it. Sometimes the way we escaped made me wonder how I even made it out of there. It was only for a few months that I got to spend with him once we came back, but he passed away in his sleep last month."

His hand tightened around yours, though not enough to break it. No wonder he started to look more disheveled and exhausted recently, his whole reason for getting where he is was now gone. You pitied him but that didn't excuse the murders of thousands he did in your homeland. At the same time, it didn't mean that you should bring that major fact up, not when he was currently grieving.

"I'm sorry Bertolt."

"It's alright, you don't have to pity me. I have more to be sorry about towards you and the others. I'll never be able to properly make it up, nothing I'll ever do will be enough to wash away the blood on my hands."

The two of you sat there in silence, a warm hand around one cold hand. You really should leave now, before Reiner comes back and you'll be stuck drinking even more than you wanted to. You attempted to finally slide off the wooden seat, but he clenched your hand gently and tugged you towards him instead. Your eyes fluttered in both confusion and tiredness as you stood in front of his sitting frame. Blinking once, his face appeared right in front of yours. His free hand slid behind and rested against the nape of your neck, feeling thin but calloused fingertips tenderly brush against the skin as he pulled you even closer.

Okay... this was getting a little too weird for your liking. Beginning to open your mouth to verbalize your annoyance and trying to move back, he then took the opportunity to press his lips against yours.

You could taste the alcohol that the three of you had been previously been consuming intertwine with the tobacco's bitterness of the cigarettes he used, a vagueness of something sweet brushing up against your tongue as he tried to coax you into returning the action. His stubble was rough against your skin the more he moved, digging deeper as he pressed further into your mouth.

You had half the mind to bite that damn muscle of his, but the warmth of both the alcohol and him was stupefying, hypnotizing. It felt like you were melting against him, a warmth pooling in your stomach and in-between your thighs. Slowly, you convinced yourself to return the kiss, gravitating into his embrace. It was stupid of you to do considering you hate the guy but hey, who doesn't do stupid shit every now and then? Fuck, you even started wrapping your arms around his neck and shoulders.

There wasn't much people in the bar anyways, either too drunk off their minds to care or simply ignoring the disgusting couple intertwining themselves in the public space. The bartender was off chatting with another patron, most likely used to the sight of a couple making their passion uncomfortably known to others. It's the Colossal Titan user, who on Marley dared tried to say something about it?

The hand that once was holding yours, grabbed at the crook of your back to draw you even more impossibly near him, then sliding down towards the curve of your ass. To your utmost surprise, he clutched and squeezed at the flesh firmly, feeling you up with this sudden confidence that you would never thought of him having before.

"Annie."

Sobriety hit you like a cold bucket of water splashing onto you once you heard her name slip through his swollen lips, taking no time to immediately shove the man right off of you. He just told you his story, that his dad had just died last month, and here he was, kissing and groping you and then suddenly calling out Annie's name. You were breathing hard, eyes wide as saucers as you stared down at him in shock.

"What the fuck? What the fuck!?"

Bertolt's hand reached out to you, as if he was trying to make you lift him back up. You've never felt so nauseated to hear those very words come out of his lips as a valid apology, like it was no big deal.

"I love you."

You ran.

You ran out of the bar, into the blackened sea of night, never once looking back. If you did, you were afraid of what you might see in his eyes or if he was chasing after you. With tears lingering in the corners of your eyes, one single thought remained.

Out of everyone in the squadron, why did it have to be him?

‘•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’

For a month and a half the day after what happened, you never saw Bertolt in the office or around the internment zone.

It was probably the first time him and Reiner were ever separated for this long, the blond telling you that it was his own decision to be sent off into the battlefield alone. You wondered if he told him what he did to you after he came back from the bathroom, or excused why he was on the floor and why you were gone. Reiner never said anything about the incident, so it soon faded in the back of your mind into obscurity.

He wasn't your first kiss anyways, some now-dead nobody trainee back in the day was, and the two of you were drunk, stupid shit happens. Part of you also somewhat knew about Bertolt's fondness for the Female Titan user, originally not knowing about how close they were previously, but damn it. For a heated moment to be ruined like that left a sour taste in your mouth, and you couldn't help but hate him even more for it.

"He's back."

"Who?" Reiner's fist came down on the top of your head playfully, catching your attention from the paperwork.

"Y'know who. Better talk to him now before he passes out from exhaustion from the looks of it. Also, because I know you miss him~" He teased and you swatted his fist off of you, watching him as he walked off towards the main room laughing, leaving you with a pit in your stomach. You really didn't want to talk to him, even if a month had passed on by, but legally, he was your superior. Professionalism before personal feelings unfortunately.

You finally got up, walking slowly to the destination before taking in a deep breath and entering the medical unit. Bertolt was near an open window, a lit cigarette lazily nestled in-between his fingers as he stared out of it. He was the only person there and you swore that every time you saw him, he started to look more unrecognizable from his previous cadet days. His hair wasn't slicked back anymore, falling at the front of his eyes; in fact, you thought it might've grown out a little more from the last time you saw him. The Titan marks were still prominent on his face, like he had just transformed not long ago.

Wiping your clammy hands on your puffy uniform, you approached him, pulling up a chair nearby the bed and sitting down stiffly.

"Welcome back sir."

His head turned towards you and you swore that you felt the room grow colder as he gazed into you through the black strands of his messy hair. Maybe you were the only one that noticed, but his eyes were dead, hollow but still held some sharpness in those pale green irises. This was no longer the Bertolt you knew, this was a numbed man that got mentally thrown and torn apart in the arms of the constant war, the constant transforming, and the constant murder of many.

"Hit me."

"E-excuse me?" He must’ve gotten faster because you didn't realize how quickly he grabbed you until he pushed the palm against his healing skin. It was burning to the touch, as if you were right next to a blazing bonfire. Instinctively, you started to try and wiggle out of his grip but he held steady.

"Hit. Me." Bertolt's grip grew stronger around your wrist, fear creeping in through every cell in your body as you watched the surrounding skin pale from how hard he was holding. "That's an order."

You swallowed but nodded quickly in agreement, just so he can let go of you before any bones shatter. He immediately released you straight away, the action as fast as he previously took ahold of you and took a hit of the nearly burnt out stick. You had to hype yourself up for it, thinking back on every rotten memory you’ve had with him, balling up your fist and striking him as hard as possible where he originally placed your hand. The force made his head swing the other way, the cigarette butt dropping on the ground as your knuckles throbbed in agony. It was like directly punching a stony wall, not like the previous time you punched him on the boat to Marley.

You let go of the breath you didn’t even know you were holding, straightening back up as you held onto your wounded hand. "And how do you feel, Bertolt?"

Bertolt’s body didn’t move, but his hand began to slowly trailing up to the injury, pressing his fingers against the forming bruise. You flinched as he pushed his hair back to where you could finally see his eyes, exhaling the smoke that he previously took in through his nostrils. He glanced over in your direction and let out a soft chuckle, although you noticed that it didn't quite reach those dull eyes of his. There was one thought that lingered in your mind as you stared back into his gaze, that he must've gone crazy fighting in the frontlines.

"Good hit, make me bleed next time." ...What? "Though, I'm surprised that you decided to visit after... what we did the last time we saw each other."

Recovering quickly from trying to process what he just said at first, you cleared your throat, crossing your arms. "The Vice Captain requested me to visit his right hand man, who am I to refuse his wishes?"

He simply hummed in response, reaching for another cigarette in his pocket and his lighter. Placing the unlit stick at the side of his mouth, his eyes caught yours once more, a slight smirk forming. "When'd you start talking like the soldiers? You forget the years we've spent together already since I've been gone, or did you finally get in trouble for treating us like equals?"

You scoffed, pulling your lips in a thin line. "You're the one that gave me an order earlier, and I've had a recent revelation that I had to start acting like a subordinate rather your friend or buddy or whatever the fuck we are, so yeah, I guess it's the latter."

"Ahh, better watch your language then or I'll have to report you for profanity against a superior." Bertolt was of course joking, the mocking tone intertwining with his words. As you felt your eyebrow twitch in annoyance, the sound of lighter clicked and ignited, your eyes watching him pull the flame near.

"Y'know..." He started as he took in a drag, leaning his head back towards the ceiling and soon exhaling the smoke out slowly. "I've been thinking about you the entire time I was gone."

A heaviness plopped itself back on your shoulders, and you wanted nothing more but to excuse yourself out of his premises. You were about to say something to leave him alone, but he kept on talking, droning on and on about how he was counting down the days when he could finally see your face again. Bertolt mentioned that you were the only reason he kept on fighting, why he kept on killing so his commanders could see that he was doing such a swell job as their loyal Titan holder and let him leave early. What a horrible ideology, most of those people could've been innocents.

"And another thing, I kept thinking back on the kiss we shared that month ago." All the color drained from your face, turning and taking a step back to try and run, but felt his hand grasp onto the fabric right against your back. His voice had the same disdainfulness as before, a demandingness that you didn't even know he had in himself to project.

"Don't leave and turn back around. That is an order."

You grit your teeth, finally turning back around once he let go of your uniform and find him standing, his tall stature hovering over you. Nervousness crawled up your spine, flinching once you felt his cold fingers reach over to caress your jaw, tilting your head up to look at him. His eyes scanned your face, inspecting your features quietly before taking another drag of his cigarette. He then neared your face and press his lips against yours.

Recoiling at the abrupt kiss, you tried to push him away but the grip on your face was painfully tight, almost akin to the hold on your wrist earlier. You could do nothing but endure this assault, a slight whimper slipping out as the soreness of your face grew.

Bertolt's tongue brushed against your lips, trying to coax you into opening them. You might as well obey, just to get this over with and the fact that you were running out of oxygen at an alarming rate. Once you did, he pushed the smoke in your mouth as he deepened the kiss, the burn in your lungs and in your throat getting worse. In a panic, you bit down as hard as possible to free yourself, the taste of iron combining with the bitter nicotine. You quickly doubled over and started coughing, watching in tears as vague smoke came out of your mouth with every heave and breath.

"Ah." You peered up at Bertolt from within your teary vision, the tips of his fingers on his lips and pressing against the wound you inflicted. It was deep from what you're able to see, but already started to heal itself. Yet, that's not what at all made you run out the room in distress, almost vomiting into the bushes once you stepped foot out of the building.

You watched in mortified horror as he smeared the crimson around his lips and chin, a seemingly euphoric and satisfied expression reflecting on those pale green eyes of his. He looked down at your frozen form, crouching down and reaching over to your face with his bloodied fingers. A small whimper slipped out as he smeared the substance on your mouth, a hungry grin forming.

"Isn't this a beautiful sight? My blood on your lips, I wonder if I can make you bleed for me soon." It felt like he wasn't supposed to say it aloud, but maybe he wanted you to hear, to have a taste of what his true self was like. That thought alone made you run out, leaving him on the ground once again.

This time, you had to make sure you'd never see the sick fuck ever again.

‘•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’'•.¸♡ ♡¸.•’

And this brings you back to the beginning, in Reiner's home completely agitated and frightened for your life.

The past few months, Bertolt resumed his normal duties along Reiner and you; although you limited your interactions with one another, you can’t help but notice that he was following you everywhere. Not just at work, but the times where you were on your breaks, going out to eat, shopping for groceries or clothes, even in your own home; you saw him. You barely caught him sometimes, he'd disappear in a blink once you tried to get in a second glance to confirm who you saw.

He lingered behind corners, staring at you with such a frightening glimmer in those dull eyes of his. He was usually expressionless as he stared into your very soul, not a single crooked smile or the usual slight upwards curve of his eyes. Nothing, absolutely nothing. And the strangest part was that he never said a word, just... stared. Sometimes he just stood there right in the public's view, crowds of people passing besides him without a single glance towards the weirdo in their way.

There was nothing you could do about it, he wasn't technically bothering anyone and due to the internment zone being rather small, they already knew that he was associated with you. How unfair it was. You wished you could live like them, ignorant and dismissive of the monster that stood right next to them.

Him being right outside of your window was your final straw, the lamplight just barely highlighting his features as he stood in your backyard. You screamed and backed up into your dining room table once you realized that he was right against your window, pressing his hand against the glass as his breath began to fog it up. His eyes were crazed, the first time you ever saw anything in them after weeks of ignoring him. You flung the drapes over the window — as if it could do anything to protect you — before running upstairs and hiding in your closet for the rest of the night.

If he was able to sneak up on you, to be that close without you noticing… what else has he done?

"He's being a fucking creep, Reiner. If it's not him trying to figure out that I'm some kind of double-crosser, it's him being some kind of perverted stalker." He snorted at your remark and you could tell that he was not entirely convinced. You took in a shaky breath, finally putting down your foot.

"Then I would like to request that I leave the Warriors unit and work somewhere else. I don't care where and if I have to move, all I want is to never see Bertolt ever again." Reiner's expression suddenly hardened and he pushed himself off the wall, leaning on the table opposite of you. You've never seen him quite as serious until now, unease filling your stomach.

"You do realize that we cannot protect you once you leave the unit, right? The only reason you're alive still is because of us, Y/N. Anywhere else in the other units, the generals and commanders will watch you like hawks for any mistake you make, minor or not. They would use any excuse to have your head." His hand rested on your shoulder and squeezed it firmly, checking his surroundings before leaning close into your ear.

"Look. I know about Bertolt's strange behavior, trust me, I've already noticed he's been off ever since he came back from that recent excursion. I don't know if I can convince him to stop doing this to you, but I mean it when I say that you're better off staying in our unit." He then leaned back and lightly smiled for more reassurance; a part of you felt that it was the scout in him that was talking and that made you feel a little better.

"We're all you got in this world and your best chance for living. C'mon, just give him one more shot." This wouldn't be happening in the first place if you left me back in Paradis, you thought bitterly but hesitantly nodded your head.

"Okay, fine. But you better get it in his head that I don’t want him stalking me anymore or I’ll report him to General Magath and leave the unit, no matter what the consequences are." You got up and headed towards the exit, turning your head to see him slowly push in your seat. He noticed that you didn't leave yet and lifted his hand up, almost waving goodbye.

"No promises," Reiner held up his pinky, slightly wiggling it. "But I'll do my best."

You scoffed, but smiled regardless.

"Then whatever happens, it'll be on you."

The next day continued on as usual, something normal for once as both Reiner and Bertolt weren't in today. You thought that they must've gotten deployed to another war since you hadn't seen any of the other Warriors either, but you continued work as usual for your shift. Even if you weren't required to, you might as well lighten the load for you the next time around.

By the time you were done with half of the stack, you finally called it quits, seeing that the sun had began to slowly set behind the towering buildings right outside of the windows. Clocking out, you slung your satchel over your shoulder and pushed past the doors, quietly walking back to your home. Now that you started to think further during your trek, it's strange that you didn't get any notification from Reiner about their sudden leave. He'd always gave you some kind of heads-up even if you didn't ask, either through a note or in person.

Was this something so serious that not even you can know about? That would make more sense, you're technically just an underling to them, you didn't need to know more confidential information from the Marleyans as a Paradisian; not like you wanted it or had any use for it anyways. The orange glow of the sun began to fade, the sky slowly turning darker by the minute as lamplights started to flicker on right on cue.

You were so close to home that you started to pick up the pace, a feeling of anticipation running through you. It's not like you felt scared, no. This was the first time in days that you finally felt like you didn't have to look over your shoulder, the first time in months where you didn't feel like you were being watched.

In a matter of minutes, you finally reached the front door of your home. You rummaged through your bag for the keys, taking your time as you pushed through the unfortunately crowded mess. There was no need to rush anymore, not until they come back, and hopefully Reiner was able to talk Bertolt out of his abhorrent, unprofessional behavior. Letting out a happy hum as you finally found what you were looking for, you pushed in the key and turned it open, only to be greeted with a gut feeling that caused goosebumps to immediately form on your skin.

Something was wrong. Despite everything being in their right and respective places, there was something... off. Standing still at the entrance way, you scanned the environment slowly, a lump forming in your throat as they darted to-and-fro nervously. The windows were locked, you knew they were, and none of the drapes seemed to be moved or altered from their original places. There was only one entrance and to get to the backyard, you would have to take the side fence door at the outside of the resident. You almost were tempted to back out of your own house, the one place where you've considered as the safest haven from the outside. This feeling, it had to just be that you were unused to being finally left alone... right?

You finally took a step inwards, the wood creaking underneath your boot. Mentally, it felt like excruciatingly long hours had just passed by for you to get another step, internally praying that your mind won't play tricks on you from the various sounds that were occurring in the considerably old home. There's nothing or no one here, you're just being a paranoid baby.

Exhaling slowly, you finally shut and locked the front door behind you. Repeating the phrase over and over gave you confidence to continue forwards, determination in your eyes. You'd be damned if Bertolt thinks he could scare you out of your own home, you'd rather go to prison than try to stay at his home for temporary shelter.

You lost your appetite to prepare a simple dinner, now knowing that you'd prefer not to try cooking something when you've just arrived in fear for your life. However, you carefully made your way towards the kitchen, grabbing a knife out of the wooden block. The sound of the metal sliding out of its sheath may have been the loudest thing you've been currently hearing. You gripped onto the handle tightly, turning towards the stairs.

You knew you weren't alone here, the house may settle now and then, but this felt different. This was different. No matter what your brain was telling you, your gut was telling you otherwise.

Crrreeeaaakkkk...

You froze, feeling suddenly out of breath as you stared at the ceiling with wide eyes. The sound came from your room, there was no doubt about it. A memory of Bertolt trying to secretly make breakfast for you flashed into view, the sounds of pans clashing below waking you up. You should've questioned how he gotten in the house in the first place during the earlier stages of this thing of his, but you were far too hungry and tired to even notice until now.

In meticulous steps, you made your way to the staircase, trying to make sure you didn't step on the wrong board and alert the intruder of your presence. Hell, he might've already known since you unlocked the door. The hallway never felt longer than it was before as you approached the room, the moonlight shining down on you and the weapon held in your dominant hand. There was more creaking the more you came towards the door, your heart pounding in your chest in the rhythm of a thousand Abnormals sprinting towards their next delectable meal.

The door was slightly ajar, alarms ringing in your head. You never have left the doors in your room open in your life, especially when sleeping and even when you left the premises. Someone is in there and you know who it is. Taking in a deep breath, you leaned in gradually towards the crack in the door, trying to control the trembling in your hands as you peeked through.

The stench of blood first hit your nose, then the sight within nearly made you scream in horror. Bertolt was in your room, sitting on the middle edge of your bed, all bloodied from head-to-toe what you were able to tell from the street's lamps dully illuminating the surrounding room. Though that was stomach-churning in itself, the action he was performing on your bed made everything even more heinously depraved.

The bastard was fucking his fist with your panties wrapped around his cock, his pelvis erratically jutting into the tight hold he put around it. His lips were slightly parted, almost barely audible groans slipping out with every stroke. Even worse, you could hear just the cusp of your name with it, your own face growing warm.

You had to report this to General Magath, now. Burn your bed and used underwear once you got the chance to second on the list. Reiner failed, maybe even never went up to him, and now you had to take the drastic way out of this. He finally took things way too far; if not your underwear, it might’ve been you.

You took a step backwards, immediately paling as the floorboard behind you squeaked loudly under the weight. The movement from within your room paused abruptly, anxiety and dread crawling up your veins with every passing moment. The sound of the bed springs being relieved of any weight on them immediately alerted you that you needed to start running or hide until he leaves. It was too late, the door opening with a grinding, crackling noise.

"Welcome home, Y/N."

Bertolt lunged at you, instincts kicking in as you swung the knife, aiming for his throat. You knew it wouldn’t kill him, you’ve seen Mikasa do it years ago and he healed without any trace of the injury left, but it would give you enough time to get to Magath’s residence. At least, that’s what you tried to do, but he moved last minute, the blade only digging into the side of his face towards his mouth.

He was stunned by it at first, a nauseating feeling permeating within your stomach as you watched the skin and muscle separate as he opened his mouth, blood streaming down his jawline in thick streams. Then he started chuckling, pressing his hand against the wound roughly and almost pulling it apart. This was no time to stay shocked however. You took this final opportunity to run, carefully trying not to cut yourself as you made your way down the stairs.

"Y/N!!!" Oh god, oh god, oh god. You reached the entrance, turning the lock and pulling it open, the cold air of the night blasting in your face. Freedom was right there in your grasp — just right there — before a thickly drenched hand from behind grabbed ahold of you from the mouth and pulled you back inside.

You couldn’t scream as his bloodied palm held firmly down onto your mouth, tears streaming down your face as he lodged himself right between your legs. He was crazed, his pupils dilated with excitement as he stared down at your quivering form. You could the hardness straining against your uniform pants, a sob stuck in your throat. The inflicted wound on his face was obviously starting to heal, steam coming off of it.

"Good try, too bad you aren’t strong enough to even try to finish the job." He took the knife out of your hold, his blood still staining the edges. Bertolt neared it towards your throat, your body fighting back as it approached closer and closer.

"Hey, you’re gonna hurt yourself if you keep moving like that." He scolded, as if he wasn’t the one with the weapon, the cold blade right against your jugular. You froze on cue, taking in sharp breaths with your nose to try and not to panic even more.

"You weren’t meant to see me uh—" His face flushed pink, scratching his uninjured cheek with his pointer bashfully. This bitch was acting like he didn’t just break in your home, committed a perverse act on your bed, and about cut your throat open. Bertolt slightly adjusted himself, rubbing his still-hard cock against you. "But it was pretty exciting, how long were you watching? Did you get excited?"

You wanted to shake your head, only flinching as you felt him unbuckle the belt, nimble fingers unbuttoning and zipping down your pants. You had no choice but to feel him slip his dirtied hand into your underwear, his fingertips pressing against your hole. A proud smile grew on his face, a vast contrast to your horrified expression as the two of you made the same realization. You’re wet.

Bertolt pulled the knife away from your neck, short relief coming out of you in waves, but he didn’t drop it or throw it aside. No. He used it to tear your uniform shirt open, a muffled yelp escaping you as the cool air made contact with your bare skin.

"We’re going to have some fun together, okay?" You felt like throwing up in his hand, hoping that you’d asphyxiate from it. Your heart stopped as you realized that he was nearing the tip of the blade on your lower stomach, right below your belly button.

"Right after I carve my name into you."

[screampied]

Any suggestions on how to write smut

yuh! i can’t speak for everyone but these are some things that help me 💛🌟.

tag things properly: tagging your kinks, warnings are really important. it’s normal to forget a few things after you post smth, i have a few times and you can always change it later — but make sure to list every or just about every kink/thing that’s happened (ex: fem! afab! /etc.) and for kinks such as (ex. dumbification, spanking, daddy kink) some things that aren’t tagged properly may end up triggering someone. always specify the reader beforehand.

synonyms are your best friend: i mean like, you’re gonna eventually find yourself thinking you’re repeating words. maybe you’re like “how many variations of 'thrust' can i use?” use a thesaurus! i use wordhippo and its a really good resource to strengthen your word structure, especially if you have a hard time with building up pace.

be dramatic: this is fiction, it’s okay to have fun in your writing. when you’re writing smut, not everything has to be so serious—in real life, there’s lots of awkward and silly moments! have fun, don’t be worried about whether this character won’t do this or say that, it’s your story.

do research: whether you have irl experience or not, it’s completely fine to do research! maybe you’re trying to fully describe a certain position. there’s no shame in it, besides the more descriptive, the better!

don’t rush through it: take your time, it’s different for everyone but i know that writing actual smut takes a bit long sometimes. rushing through smut scenes will make it feel not as natural, a build up in between / during scenes are sometimes very important. sometimes a tip to help not rush through scenes is outline it beforehand. jot down certain brief things you want to happen before fully executing it. once you feel like it’s a good time to end it, you’ll know!

be captivating: when writing smut, you kinda wanna do certain things that may catch a reader's eye. whether it’s aesthetics, a good synopsis, or even a few steamy paragraphs before the read more! your synopsis doesn’t have to be too long, but make it a strong sentence or two giving a brief summary of your piece. before you go to the read more break, write a bit in a captivating way to where someone would want to click read more and read your entire post!

be patient: lastly, be patient. whether you’ve been writing smut for years, months, or even a few days, at the end of the day it takes time. it takes time to build up and be comfortable with your writing and your own personal writing style. there’ll be some days where you feel like you’re not getting enough recognition or feel like your work isn’t good enough compared to others—that’s totally valid to feel that way! the important thing to remember is that, try to have fun. don’t force yourself to write, take breaks when necessary. you won’t be able to master the writing of smut in a single day, just practice and you got this !!!

there’s probably more stuff i’m leaving out but this is the most i could think of heh. hope this helps u love!

[ineffectualdemon]

I feel like there is confusion over what is alleged and what is confirmed in the Colleen Ballinger situation

Especially if you haven't been down this rabbit hole for weeks now so I'll explain for those who want to know what the hell is going on

Now my bias is that I believe the victims but I am not a court of law so when I say alleged I do not mean I don't believe them just that it isn't as hard evidence

So I'm going to break it up into what we know is fact, either because confessed to doing it or we have video evidence, and whar is alleged because we only have the victims word or screenshots which we know can be faked

TW: grooming and sexualisation of children and mentions of implied CSA (of a fictional character for that last one but still)

What is fact:

Video Evidence:

Spreading a 16 year olds legs as wide as she could on stage while the teenager was wearing a short dress and therefore exposing her body in a way that made the victim very uncomfortable

Putting snacks down the front of her trousers and then getting young boys to reach into the trousers

And ongoing "bit" about how "Miranda's" (her character) uncle molests her. Like not innuendo its really overt and not okay. Especially for a child audience which she knows she has

A really uncomfortable and weird joke about teen girls and "leaking"

Calling girls on stage to talk about how they are "porn"

A really weird video of her inserting a tampon in her mouth

Lots of racist shit that was or currently is up on her channels

Animal cruelty - not just the dog story. There are a lot of videos of her being horrible to her cats

Offering to send her underwear to a 13 year old Adam even when she acknowledges the parents would be upset

Stuff she confessed to in her "apology" videos:

Talking to her underage fans in group chats

Oversharing in those group chats

Getting ideas from Adam (a minor at the time) for her channels

Sending a 13 year old her underwear like WHAT THE FUCK! Her "defense" is he asked for it! She offered and he took her up on it because he was a huge fan! And he was fucking 13!

Alleged:

(Again- I believe the victims. Their stories are too similar and their screenshots corroborate each other. I'm just saying alleged because screenshots are not the best evidence by themselves in a court of law. I am not a court of law so I can say I believe the victims)

The exact content of the group chats including sexual content sent mostly to and about Adam

Whether or not she sent Trisha Paytas' 18+ content to others without Trisha's knowledge or consent to make fun of Trisha

Including to someone who was a minor at the time

How much work she was getting Adam to do for her

The conversation her brother had with an underage fan

Her best friend Kory abusing Johnny and her allowing it

Her behind the scenes treatment of the lady who worked on her netflix show and her general racism irl

Her mocking and bullying her own fans

Her encouragement and insistence that they keep the chats private and and a secret from the victims parents

That's what we know at the moment

I think even with what we have of the hard evidence this woman should be kept away from kids but that's my opinion

[yuikomorii]

Heya! In which of the boys route do you think Yui was broken/hurt the most?

I always wanted to know which would be the worst scenario (route) for like.. an avarage girl irl . I know most girls would not survive there😅 but just wanted to know your opinion which of those 6 doors you would never open. Or 13 if we count all the characters.

// Since it's an otome game, it goes without saying that there will be a lot of plot armor and that the love interests can't really harm the heroine seriously throughout the route, regardless of what she does, because the plot would go nowhere like that. Most characters are jerks but not really that hard to handle, since they were known for scaring Yui rather than letting her get genuinely hurt. However there were certain Diaboys who were very scary, as it felt like they had no feelings of remorse or empathy.

Laito:

Can’t say that his HDB route is the worst thing Rejet has ever written (because it’s definitely not) but it baffled me how he was so okay with Yui breaking like that to the point where she lost all her will to live and only wanted to be set free from him. I mean, she literally tried to commit and he was just there not even intending to stop her bleeding veins despite being the one who cut them?? It’s true that in the Vampire Ending she doesn’t turn out that bad but after all, this is just because it’s fiction.

Kanato:

He was easier to understand than Laito because at least you were able to know that he had a soft spot for sweets and Teddy. Nevertheless, it was a bit too much how he kept stabbing Yui with the fork and a few chapters later, I’m pretty sure he stabbed Yui with a knife in more places as well. Still, it’s surprising how she turned out worse in his route, considering the fact that in the afterstory she kills innocent people—

Kou:

I love Kou but he was a literal demon in MB. I really hated how he made his fans bully Yui JUST FOR FUN. It wasn’t even any sort of punishment, he merely wanted to make her suffer. Another thing I couldn’t stand was how he kept putting Yui’s life in danger, only to make her prove her love. I understand wanting to test someone but it would have been way better if he actually saved Yui after seeing her do something dangerous. That way it would have proved that he cared for her yet he continued to watch her get hurt for him over and over again, without feeling any empathy. He was sorta redeemed at the end but yeah, most of his route was big yikes, especially since you wouldn’t have expected a cheerful and friendly idol like him to be such a wicked person.

Carla:

I like the Tsukinami family's desire to preserve their lineage but sorry, I must say that I find it repulsive that a 17-year-old would be forced to become pregnant out of the blue with strangers. I understand that Yui was partially to blame for Carla's anger and subsequent dungeon scene but that moment grossed me out sooo bad. She lost her will to live but Carla literally jumped on a depressed girl and was on the verge of rap€ing her, if his Endzeit didn’t kick in. He gets gradually better throughout his route but this scene left a sore taste in my mouth.

Kino:

Look, Kino is a great villain and a lot of fun, but his LE route was trash. Kino killed a child, mistreated Yui, abducted both Yui and Ayato, planned to sell Ayato to the church for execution, manipulated Yui and tortured Ayato. The pain he caused them both was immense and although I appreciated Yui calling him out, it's so sad that she was brainwashed. While it's true that Kino can be quite cute when he wants to, their romance was so rushed and forced because they didn't give us any reason why Yui would fall for him other than manipulation when Ayato, who was seen to care more about her than for himself, was right there. I wish they developed Kino’s feelings better, given that he straight up blackmailed Yui to become his, otherwise Ayato would had been killed, therefore Yui had no other choice but accept the situation. That’s why his CL route is way better.

I only mentioned 5 instead of 6 but that’s mostly because no other character came closer to them in terms of bad scenario. The rest of them felt decent in their routes for a game called Diabolik Lovers, lol.

[wearenemies]

i literally havent stopped thinking about ur peterick college professor AU all day.. its so good

giggles and blushes so sweet of you to say…. if you have any criticism at any point or any ideas of what to do with it i love how you write their dynamic and would be more than happy to sit my white ass down and listen 🫶

i've been thinking about the whole premise a little further and still am not sure whether or not they're going to straight up be married because i think patrick wearing a ring would be a good in for theorisation about his relationship status that would otherwise seem even more unnecessary, but i don't know if p2 marriage is an unrealistic and overly romantic stance to take, especially considering what went on in real life, so i'm still on the fence about that. i might just say they're engaged and leave it at that.... also unsure still whether our narrator would be a student or a coworker of theirs? i think the coworker situation better justifies this guy's interest in the lives of these guys because they'd want to make friends, and there are considerably more situations in which it would be appropriate for them to be interacting (after work drinks, etc. patrick could wear the stupid t shirt pete got him. beautiful world) but i worry that that'd betray to an immersion-breaking degree how little i know about the inner workings of american academia and employment at american universities and whatnot so. another glaring issue. i also realise that the whole keeping-the-narrator-in-the-dark thing might be much less realistic to achieve irl than i make it seem, so i’ll have to employ some serious lampshading + sitcom logic to make it work in a way that feels natural, but i figure that if you’re able to suspend your disbelief enough to imagine patrick pursuing higher education you can believe anything so peace and love.

on that note, the peterick history i’m imagining is that they would’ve been in the band but it never would’ve really gone anywhere because of patrick’s reluctance vocally, so they all (with the exception of andy: with how ridiculously skilled and prominent in the hardcore scene he was it'd be completely unreasonable to assume that he wouldn't have joined a band and made it pretty big at some point) ended up going back to school like their parents wanted. pete was vehemently against finishing his poli sci degree, and his parents decided to allow him to pursue something he actually wanted to do (that being literary analysis and creative writing) on the condition that he’d work as hard as he could and not touch narcotics or whatever, and it was a hard sell but after he graduated he decided that he’d rather be doing that than anything else, and since his parents had the funds to support him and running on mani mostofi’s logic that ‘if pete didn’t get famous, he would’ve ended up in jail’, they considered it a productive and wholesome use of his time, and pete just kind of stayed in academia. i imagine he’s very well known in literary circles because of his general charisma and bizarre angles on things, and i can see him having written several significant (and not to toot his horn too much but pretty great) journal pieces on the works of his favourite writers, and a wider fictional bibliography than just the single weird roman-a-clef that he has to his name in real life.

patrick’s a little more difficult to work with conceptually because he graduated from high school with significantly worse grades than pete in real life, doesn’t have weirdly famous relatives, and is generally not a hugely academically inclined person, so i might just have to gloss over explaining that (maybe he took some supplemental classes and took out a LOT of loans or whatever) but i imagine music theory being a subject of interest for him because of the technical and semi-scientific nature of it as a very trivia-minded (and ‘possibly autistic’. coughs) person who likes the factual nature of natural history. i can see him having work published in the yale-founded journal of music theory, and maybe focusing especially on music theory’s application in the fields of anthropology and cognitive sciences because of the aforementioned natural history interest. i see him and pete having drifted apart a little over the years (maybe they fucked for a while - potentially starting ‘05 - and had a messy ‘friendship breakup’ around 2009?) running into each other at an arts conference in like 2011/2012, ending up both working at the same place in around 2015, and finally getting together as a result of that connection, no unsubstantial degree of nudging from friends, and years of mutual tension.

there’s for sure a huge extent to which you’ll have to ignore how fundamentally the whole academia thing is probably not something they’d do, but i’m begging you guys to let me know if anything seems too egregiously out of character i’ve never written fic before i’m playing with my touys here 👍

[rinnysega]

Any advice on how to make progress on a writing project while dealing with emotional/mental fatigue? I’ve wanted to work on my book for MONTHS now but between irl stress and overall fatigue making me feel like all I have the energy for is just watching YouTube and scrolling social media, which just makes me feel worse for not writing. I just miss being in that headspace where I can write for hours at a time.

I understand your sentiment. I went through this recently too and only just got out of it around the end of last year.

Without knowing any details of your irl stress, considering this has lasted a few months for you, I'd first ask if its something in your power to change. I've found it's hard to be creative in an unhealthy environment too, but even harder to make changes to that unhealthy environment if it's something familiar or comfortable or might be too upsetting to change. We're creatures of habit that tend to get stuck in loops and patterns, and if any of those sound like something you're going through that causes mental or emotional stress and fatigue, I highly recommend taking steps to break those patterns or remove certain stressors. Any small changes or accommodations to your overall mental health is something I highly encourage first and foremost.

If they're stressors out of your control, and scrolling YouTube or social media is your coping patterns for the stress while in fatigue, that's something that can be hard to break too. I'm guilty of it myself, like even today I scheduled my day to write, but I got hit with a massive bout of burnout and ended up taking a five hour nap while some YT played in the background. I felt bad too when I woke up that I didn't get to my schedule today, but lately I've been reminding myself that I've been doing well, and my body speaks to me when it's time for a recharge. There's no shame in resting, so I recommend allowing yourself that time to recharge without feeling guilty for not writing. Your body needs it and you can't be your most creative self without taking the time to rest, hydrate, and whatever else your body needs.

If you find it's hard to break away from something like YT while in burnout, I'd ask yourself what kinds of videos are you watching? Something you've seen before like old comfort channels or something new? I'd recommend trying to find content that relates to your work and have it on for "research purposes" to help keep your project in mind while you relax.

Back in late 2023, I was still kind of stumbling through some recent changes to how I navigate in the world post-autism/cptsd dx, but I wanted to write and not have that feeling of guilt too. In my book, one of the timelines takes place in 1995, so I'd put on old 90s commercials, video essays of the decade, etc, and basically be a couch potato when the fatigue hit while it got absorbed. If I came across something interesting, I'd make little notes to myself and tell myself "you're technically writing!" to keep that guilty feeling at bay. The best part is it's technically true! Once I got to a better place where I could sit down and write something, I already had a bullet list of interesting things to include in the novel related to the culture and history of the time period, and the scenes felt very natural to type out since I already did some of the legwork in my couch potato era.

Writing for yourself is very therapeutic and healing in its own way, so if you'd like to tackle subjects that connect to your stressors that could be a way to keep writing if you absolutely feel the need to write. Even if it's not part of a main story or project you're working on, sometimes the habit of sitting down to write small micro fictions of your day as a journal entry with characters or familiar settings can be helpful in getting back into the swing of it.

The most important thing I'd like for you or anyone to take away is that it's okay to take time off and there's no need to feel ashamed of that. I took off all summer of 2023 from writing because at the time, everything felt so big and overwhelming and scary, and I'm very glad I did. I focused on the areas of my life that needed improvement so I could be healthy and live a better life as a recognized autistic adult. I knew it wouldn't last forever, and maybe the temporary aspect is what made it easier. Maybe set a goal post so you feel more in control of your schedule, even if it's something small for now. Point is, the time I needed made me feel more relaxed and energized when I came back to the blank page last fall, and now I finished my book! I'm doing revision work and I wrote short poems and works, some of which are getting published next year! If 2022/2023 Erin knew that? She'd think you were lying lol

Sometimes we just need those few months off while we go through changes or transitional eras of our lives, and there's no shame in it at all! Just remember your stories and projects are worth telling, but shame doesn't help at the end of the day. Just do your best each day, and before you know it, those days will add up to the next moment of your life when inspiration strikes and you write your next big thing

I hope this helped. Just remember, everything is temporary, and life happens in ebbs and flows like water. You'll be back to that headspace, but just remember to take care of yourself first and give yourself the love you need until you get there.

[atalienart]

What are your thoughts about scenes (I don’t believe it’s a trope) in Rom-Coms where a person doesn’t want to get married to their partner of 6year long relationship.

They end up separating from each other and almost towards the end of the movie or show the person who didn’t want to get married ends up proposing. (or in some cases marrying some other person within a short dating period)

i feel like its a bit of of a pressure from society that makes this person change their mind from not wanting to get married and then proposing. I like to believe that it's fine not getting married, yes theirs benefits and next of kin for emergencies in hospitals. However, why is it always dead-set in people marrying each other?

Also, what are your thoughts when people say "marriage is hard work"? isnt every relationship hard work? it seems like its diminishing non martial relationships

Are you asking me about fiction or real life, because I'm lost xD Anyway, rom-coms usually end with "being together forever" and when you sign papers that say "here I state we're together forever" what's more "together forever" than this? You officially announce that you're in a "real" relationship. I think a lot of people like to have a sense of security that comes with "tying the knots", even if you can theoretically divorce. A divorce however requires an effort to break the "agreement". When you're in a "non-committed" relationship what actually stops you from just leaving without any consequences. Another thing is also a matter of religious believes, which for many people is pretty important.

Now let's take into consideration that rom-coms are usually written for women, and usually they show hetero couples. Women like to feel secure in a relationship. Men usually (it's usually men idk) don't want to commit (and are with a woman util she "too" old, sick, boring), so when in a rom-com he proposes he says he really wants to be with this one woman forever, no matter what, and he doesn't consider other options. Kinda romantic idk.

Anyway, if you're together for years and you still don't know if you really want to be with that other person then why are you with that person. If you don't care about the marriage but the other person does, if you don't plan to leave them then what difference does it make for you? You'll make that other person happy by signing some papers, that's it. In rom-coms the purpose of this hesitation is probably either a character getting to know himself better, reminiscing about the relationship or something like that.

I really don't find this rom-com scenario romantic at all. You either love each other or not. If you love each other you don't have a problem with making it "permanent". There are so many things that can be a cause of drama in a romance other than a piece of paper. Nothing romantic about a person saying "okay, fine, I'll marry you if you want it so much; when we were separate I realised I got used to you too much." Like, fuck off xD

(When characters end up with someone else, that's drama, not romance, and then it's fine because it's just contemplating human choices.)

And what are my thoughts about "hard work" thing? Yes, every relationship requires some work. I'm sorry, I'm really not the right person to ask about relationships and marriages irl. I have no idea how all this works xD

[scoonsalicious]

Mother Pookie has fed her kitties well🩷🩷. There’s so many emotions idk which one i should talk about first?😭😂

BUT DANG chap 2.2 is just HOT

I am actually speechless😂 I have nothing to say except I am satisfied.

ITS SO GOOD OMG POOKIE? WHAT R U DOING TO ME? WHATT?!!😫😫

Lemme say, It didn’t take me long to hate Lilian. Like I swear, the moment she fucking said that Major looks like a SKANK gurl, fuck u.

My first impression on Major was like how Bucky saw her, a hot pretty dame that made me giggle like a teenager, making heart eyes and singing the whole world to my dick (if i have a dick)

And then throughout the chp, oh my goodness, I would’ve slap Leah the moment she starts bitching up. Major has a dang ass patience. I couldn’t.

THE THINGS I WOULD DO TO VOTE FOR BUCKYBABY TO BREAK HER HEART IN THE WORST WAY POSSIBLE (so far she’s 35% in my ‘dead’ list, better fix ur attitude if u don wanna end up like cunthage — ITS JUST BEEN 2 CHP?!)

Lindsay rubs the ick on me more than Jade (ofc Jade is worse but she dead now) but cuntly is so so so so so so so so so irritating. The absolute pick me, so called ‘one of the guys’. Ew. Even half of the team is irked by her attitude. That just says a lot.

Glad that our queen Major put her in her place. She needs more. Like, absolute humiliation (disclaimer: i dont support bullying but LILIAN FUCKING NEEDS IT)

And can we appreciate Wanda simping over Thor?😂 (you are not alone, i also dream of licking his abs — mhmmm)

Bucky and Major are purrrfect for each other. Its giving love at first sight 👀. Bucky simps hard. Like so hard. I can wait for more Bucky X Major scene (fluff,sexay — mayyybeeeee angst? i just love hurt myself)

Also, iMajor and Tony r absolutely gonna be ‘rich business badass besties’ and then them + Sam (Wanda and Nat at the back) roasting Leah. Oh what a beautiful dream~

Anyways, beautiful beautiful writing indeed. Waiting to see Bucky sexay POV next😂 Unleash the power of your blue balls. Also I can’t wait to read what your master brain had planned🌚. Love you Pookie🩷🩷🩷

PS// these past few days I was scrolling tumblr, searching for new Bucky fics/updates and honestly… I MISSED YOUU!!! I CANNOT STRESSED THAT ENOUGH!!! 😭 seeing your username the first thing when i opened tumblr made my night! i was planning on listening to songs, dwelling on my loneliness and delulu but LOOK AT ME NOW, ITS 4AM GOSH. THANK U POOKIE LOVE U HAVE A GREAT DAY

POOKIE! <3

Actual footage of me coming up to love on your comments:

I'm so glad people are enjoying 2.2! I gotta be real, I usually don't get hot and bothered when it comes time write smut, but that section? Whoa, boy... that section had me like:

(Yes, this is my second favorite gif of all time, and I will use Blanche to express my hot and bothered-ness whenever I can, lol)

I gotta tell you right now, the phrase "making heart eyes and singing the whole world to my dick (if i have a dick)" is now the highlight of my week, so I thank you for this. It's pure literary magic <3

Major is used to taking shit from peons; she was a woman in the military, after all, lol, which is why she's able to not let Lily phase her too much. Her patience will be tested, though. Where Cunthrage was just flat out unhinged, Lizard is more... selfishly insidious? Just, you know, she's not going to be kidnapping people and snapping their arms or murderously rampaging through Hydra bases or anything. (The stakes here are much, much lower, lol. Which, I guess, is going to prep us for Unbroken, where the stakes will be... Thanos-sized, lol.) I think what makes Lily feel worse, to me, is that she's far more realistic than Jade was. Like, I know girls like Lily irl; thankfully, never met a Jade (phew!). Much like Killgrave, to me, is the scariest Marvel villain, because I've encountered so many men like him in the real world.

The things I dream of doing to Thor would probably get me put on a list if he was a real person and not a fictional character, lol. Unless I'm doing AUs, I tend to stick with canon-pairings, but there is something about the idea of Wanda/Thor that I currently find very appealing, so hopefully, we will see something happen between the two of them. I think they would be adorable. And for some reason known only to my maker, I love making Wanda a little bit horny, lol. In fact, an earlier draft of Unwanted had Pocket referring to her as the Sokovian Horndog after she made some comments about Bucky's body, lol.

Is it weird that I don't plan on having Tony be too involved in this fic, because I feel like giving him a friendship with Major is like him cheating on his friendship with Pocket? That makes no sense whatsoever, lol, but I'm so protective of my girl. I'm like "Yeah, Major, I'll let you fuck Pocket's boyfriend, Bucky, but YOU CANNOT BE FRIENDS WITH HER PSUEDO-BROTHER TONY BECAUSE HE IS HERS!"

Bucky's got some sexy POV in the next sextion (see what I did there? lol) but there's going to be so much more smut in this one than Unwanted. It just feels right, lol.

[domokunrainbowkinz]

sorry for manhwa-posting guys it's not gonna stop

u kno wat I may as well give my thoughts on some of the ones I read:

semantic error - classic, everyone knows it, despite me being lukewarm about it it has some moments that made me go WAOUUGGHH.....nice, low-stakes fun read but if u hate miscommunication u r gonna have a bad time. the art is Very good though.

concubine walkthrough - EVERYONE SHOULD READ THIS NOW!!!!! villainess transmigration story with chinese-style court politics, discussions about AI, VR, reality vs dream, and a plot twist at the end that makes you go AOUUGHGBGB!!!!! it made me ugly cry twice!!! READ IT NOW!!!!!!

lost in the cloud - currently ongoing, I stayed up till 7am reading this one. it starts off light and then hits u with The Trauma hammer and reveals its true colours (2 dudes dealing with The Horrors and being absolutely not normal about it). it deals with very heavy topics like bullying, SA, CSA, abusive parents, like these kids cannot catch a break. the characters are really well written and believable, their interactions are so raw and painful at times. I am obsessed. I need them to be happy or im going to cry. it really isn't for the faint of heart, I'm not one to be fazed by heavy topics in fiction but I felt so anxious during some chapters, like the way the scenes are depicted and drawn are so visceral. I also gotta say the art is BANGING.

dreaming of the dokkaebi (18+) - currently ongoing, VERY promising so far. I am a hoe for modern-day supernatural romance, especially when there's reincarnation shenanigans involved. there's a lot going on between the 2 leads and I love the incorporation of korean mythology and exorcism in the worldbuilding aouuggh...literally my cup of tea.

how to refuse the route - lighthearted low-stakes otome isekai where the protagonist is trying his absolute darnedest to NOT romance any of the characters (he is failing). It's pretty unserious fun, and I also love the ML in this one. pls give me more fucked up little guys. the story is starting to go in an interesting direction tho and I'm curious to see how it ends.

the guild member next door - very light unserious fun, basically what if ur online friend/crush that u met in a game is ur neighbour, but you never met irl so u don't know that?? it goes hard on the in-game mechanics and spends a lot of time building up the in-game friendship before starting to delve into the irl relationship. it's a slow burn and brother I am here for it.

netkama punch - this situation is something you'd read on aita reddit and think to yourself "there's something definitely wrong with both of you and I hope you don't involve anyone else in whatever the fuck is going on between you 2". it's so wacky and funny, definitely not one to take super seriously.

love in orbit (18+) - I originally read this bc there's a tall hot alien mommy in it, but the actual story is actually quite sweet. I also love the way the artist draws bodies in this one, for once the proportions don't make go "brother eughh". it's pretty light and low-stakes, but I was surprised by the discussions on loneliness and parental neglect/abuse that were a throughline in this series. the sex scenes are 🔥🔥

tears on a withered flower (18+) - still pretty early in serialization but I'm already so interested in where this is going homegirl needs to throw her entire husband out!!! an illustration of how an abusive relationship can wear a person down and eat away at them. seriously I hope she and her new man beat the shit out of her husband.

[kowaindar0u]

watching this video and thinking about idol au again omg ...

I think I really like the idea of yuichi being in a group (as opposed to a non-idol, though i still think he would've been recruited while doing some other behind-the-scenes job) and thinking he would be the type to secretly write & compose songs...

He might even be quite good at it. like ... shit I'm getting emotional thinking about it but ... He already writes in his diary a lot, so imagine him taking that kind of emotion and putting it into a song...

He'd write songs about anxieties, hopelessness at times, breaking down... songs he would describe as "the kind of atmosphere/surroundings i wish to have when I'm overwhelmed"... songs that just really talk about things he struggles to actually talk about ;_; ... songs for his friends...

(a song about appreciating his fellow group members, a song about a certain friend from another group with lyrics like "we don't have to say much and we're happy")

maybe at some point he surprises everyone with like. a straight-up angry song and even his close friends are like "i didn't even know you could get angry" lol

also circling back around to how he became an idol, he'd get recruited a relatively short time before debuting maybe compared to his other members, and so maybe he'd feel/actually be judged/resented about it and knows he needs to really prove he deserves to debut with them, so he'd practice and work on himself constantly ... it sounds miserable and probably kind of is but I think he would never have gone into all this or agreed to start training at all without having other people relying on him...

and oh man... i imagine his stage fright would never actually go away (again it's easier when he has members with him) but god... the first time he'd step on a stage he would be a mess like they'd look back at their debut performance especially and see him like shaking/clearly about to cry the whole time but still able to see he's giving his damned best... like he doesn't perform it well necessarily that day but it's something the members and fans look back on with a kind of endearment, especially as he gets a bit more confident onstage as they go

idk who he'd be in a group with or what kind of sound they'd have but i think whatever it is would have a lot of dramatic atmospheric type stuff (idk if that really suits him or if that's just what i like LOL but) ... like i can't imagine him really thriving well in a Poppy pop group without a lot of deeper substance (?), if not for personality/vibe reasons then because he's just got kind of a very unimpressed resting face LOL

also. can you fucking imagine. i imagine yuichi still keeping his eye covered most of the time LMAO so he'd be one member where like. one video he's got his hair parted a different way or pulled back somehow and the fans go INSANE because they get BOTH EYES

[speculative (?) gender stuff below the cut cause my brain said What If]

also i'm thinking ... maybe depending on how old yuichi is when stuff happens ... an Interesting angle ...

i know this is obviously Very Unlikely irl for several reasons but this is alternate universe of fiction so .

1 ) maybe he discloses to his company upon being recruited that he's trans like "i didn't say anything when i worked here as [whatever he did before, maybe stylist help] because i need Job but i don't think i can go in front of People being misgendered i would not survive" so they help him transition (yet another driving factor for his hard work afterwards) before debut ...

OR ...

2 ) maybe he initially debuted in a girl group that didn't really pan out, and after disbandment he Transed his Gender and re-debuted in a boy group...

Inch Resting ....

in 2, i think like...obviously his time in that first group would have been ... really REALLY hard, fucking miserable, not only for dysphoria reasons but because the group just could not find success-- perhaps their company was shitty-- but i think he wouldn't hold any disdain for like... fans of that group, those members, and the songs they performed together? like he'd still be friends with them if they wanted, and he'd even do reunion perfromances with them omg lol ...

okay actually i like this concept. and maybe after the first group fails he does go back to being a "civilian" and then 1 happens and ... !!

yuichi my beloved

idol yuichi i stan u

[jourquet]

for the 'get to know your fic writer' prompt — 3, 17, 43, & 56 🫶🏼

GET TO KNOW YOUR FIC WRITER PROMPT

3. describe the creative process if writing a chapter/fanfic

usually, i base it on the franchise's genre. for example a halo fanfic, i would follow science-fiction rules about writing the fanfic. such as long chapters, complex or expanded lore, military, politics, and so on.

i'll use maybe half a year studying the plot, characters, and lore. and game it myself if possible. just take my time to reflecting on how i interpret everything.

first at the third stage, i begin to talk to other people in fandon, read others fanfics and headcanons etc. without the groundwork, a proper fanfic can't be written. my spn fanfic readers knows this better than anyone.

i tend to mix half plotting and half pantsing the story with the three main plot not changing. the characters have normally free reign, i do not chain them down as long they get from plot point A to B.

17. what do you do when writing becomes difficult? (maybe a lack of inspiration or writers block)

i take a break from writing entirely. indulge in some other fanfics either in same fandom or others. sometimes i play games on my ps5. or watch documentaries, read books (usually classics), manga, cartoons or draw.

i sometimes take fanfics breaks by roleplaying online instead. that way, my writing skills remain sharp.

other times, i go on hikes or travels IRL. or go to the cinema, to the mall to buy stuff or just eat at Baker Brun (mini baker place).

i don't force my writing, ever. that only makes my block worse. i like to write out of habit; that's why i'm dependable about it when i've the energy capacity for it.

43. do you take a sadistic joy in whumping your characters, or are you more the "If you hurt them I would kill everyone and then myself" kind of person?

i do enjoy hurting my characters. i wouldn't have been known as 'the evil writer' without reason. though, for me, is more of a catharsis than actually sadistic enjoyment, because they reflect my own struggles most readers wouldn't pick up on unless i told them about it.

is for a reason my headcanons are rarely, if any, self-inserts. i like to stick to as close to canon as i possibly can. and if that means i've to write scenes the whole fandom will witch hunt me for, i'll. because i write my fanfics to be AS IF THEY WERE ACTUAL CANON from an outsider.

56. what’s something about your writing that you pride yourself on?

that my readers never in my full life of being a fanfic writer, have complained of my canon characters being ooc. that i've great unique concepts which i actually pull off and do my own research on (though, i still daydream of the day i get to have my own beta readers), and that i've no issue taking criticism about my writing and correct where necessary. only from trusted writer friends and readers, ONLY, however.

that my first two fanfics are completed with 50+ chapters. one of them with 13K reads on wattpad too. 🤍

the praise i've gotten from multiple native speakers over the years, that they could've never guessed i was not american or british because i write well enough to be considered as one of them. this means a lot to me, considering i'm mostly self-taught in english. used so many years reading books far above my age range not understanding anything, and barely passing my english grades. the constant judgement i got for not knowing how to write "i'm" or "you're". to now people sometimes asking me if i live in new york, texas, or london. 🥺 for most of my childhood most of the psychologists believed i had dyslexia too (i never did, i just learned to read by complete/recognize words instead of letter for letter, which was greek to me).

also that i combine my knowledge in classic books and the fact i understand many languages into my writing. it creates an unique writing no AI could ever dream about mimicking. is hard; but i always go the extra mile of deep research. my fanfics are meant to be read for anyone outside it too. and all the extra hours i spend just doing research so the characters feel like real human beings. it's worth it in the end.

and that through all my hardships, i found solace in my writing. i don't know who i would be without it. i found friends, i found community, i found people who genuinely care about me. all because i chose that one night on the plane trip from the US to norway, to learn english. i still have the book i read on that plane trip too ... that propelled to where i'm today in skills.

thank you, all my friends over the years. thank you, all my readers who has stuck by and never lost faith in me. thank you for everything. 🤍

[castlebyersafterdark]

trying to think of the sensation of getting lost in a character performance and how many actors dont mind committing to the craft in ways that might make them exposed because its for The Art. for example finn and noah may revel in this odd shared attraction and bleed for the thrill of it artistically as well as personally, and then the audience response more often than not just being like 'oooooh finn just wanted to kiss noah in the van scene which is why mike looks at will's lips' etc

if it turned out to be true that finn did indeed want to kiss noah (as well as doing his actual job lol), why do you think the audience considers this to be an 'oooooooh' moment rather than simply enjoying the artist's commitment to the craft? like... would it be so bad if they actually did want to kiss eachother irl? why do people act like that would be a crime or that they've sussed something out about the actors that somehow makes the work they do less meaningful?

You know, I'm not really sure. I think I've found people, speaking in general, do tend to view things as one or the other instead of the possibility of complexities at play. The scenes could call for specific direction and emotion, even the most minute details and micro expressions that benefit storyline and character - and the actor may also simultaneously be exhibiting feelings for their scene partner. Both can be true. It's more likely for both to be true than only irl feelings, to be honest. Filming allows a redo. If that wasn't the expression wanted in closeup, they can reshoot. But man and character can feel similar, that's true.

I think in this fandom, there's a lot of denial and self preservation at play. On different sides of the "fight" (I really hate ship wars). Breaking down the van scene. Those who support Mlvn - Finn only looked at Noah that way because it's a Finn moment, he's got secret feelings for Noah that bleed through since Mike is totally straight and completely aligned with El. Those who support Byler - they may also say oh that was all Finn with a crush, because it's a failsafe for them because they really like the idea of Byler but still don't believe it'll happen so they say stuff like that to downplay and self deprecate their belief and investment.

There's also flavors of people being so hard up about celebs, reading into relationships. It's so human! Observing two people in close proximity and wondering if something more could be there, understanding the closeness that happens from filming together. People who are so anti the concept of speculation and "gossip" they forget we're all people. It's ok. And then yet another angle, others who get weird about suspension of fantasy, being reminded that the show isn't actually happening, being reminded that the actors are playing the characters and Stranger Things being a TV show telling a story and not a documentary. I know the goal of any worthwhile media is to transport you and make you feel it's actually happening, but... logic also exists even if that upsets some viewers. Imagination vs. the craft of performing. But acknowledging ot being fiction and that reality bleeds into character portrayals or there being limits to the magic of cinema shouldn't make things less meaningful. Just because the camera captured Finn or Noah smiling at the other a certain way doesn't mean that wasn't also Mike or Will. Finn checking out Noah in a scene doesn't mean Mike wasn't also checking put Will. It was in the show, it was allowed to be in the show, it's part of the characters. A good piece of media will stand on it's own in fantasy and fiction and we don't have to question it or force ourselves to acknowledge reality. I think Stranger Things does a pretty good job.

All things to consider.

[alyssalikestoreadbooks]

She's So Dead To Us - Kieran Scott

"Ally Ryan would rather be in Maryland. She would rather be anywhere, in fact, than Orchard Hill, site of her downfall. Well, not hers exactly—but when your father’s hedge fund goes south and all your friends lose their trust funds, things don’t look so sunny for you. Her mother moved her to Maryland to flee the shame, but now they’re moving back. Back to the country-club, new-car-every-year, my-family-came-over-on-the-Mayflower lifestyle that Ally has outgrown. One bright spot, however, is gorgeous, intense Jake Graydon. But it won’t be easy for the two of them to be together—not if his friends (her former friends) have anything to say about it. Is Ally ready to get thrown back into the drama of the life she left behind?"

Read Date - June 2024

Length - 278 pages

Genre - Romance, Drama, Realistic Fiction

Rating - 7/10

Stars - ★★★★☆

Notes - Another library book! This one i’ve been putting off because something about it just...doesn’t draw me in. I can’t explain it. Something about the cover and the writing together just throws me off. It’s not the style of writing I usually like, but don’t get me wrong, it’s truly not bad. Just different, and something I had to get used to. As i’m getting into the book, i realize that i really like the plot. It sets up a lot of drama and tension between all the characters and Ally, the main character. Faith is such a bitch, and they do good to portray her as one. It got my anxiety spiked just reading chapter one. After getting further into the book, you learn that its really reminiscent to mean girls in a way. Poor girl groups up with the outcasts to take down the rich kids and gets the guy in the end. I’m starting to like it a lot. The reveal that Ally did something with Hammond is a good reveal, and its done so gradually that it makes sense. I kind of like how clueless and idiotic Jake is, because i think it’s very realistic to a lot of the men i’ve interacted with IRL. I love the dynamic between David and Ally, and David and Annie. He’s such a cute character, and him getting together with Ally was such a cute decision, even if it’s not end game. I think him helping her with her family is amazing and a great addition to this book. I think the cruelty of the cresties makes the book so interesting and dramatic, and adds a tone i wans’t expecting when I picked it up originally. I like how Jake finds out about the Hammond secret, and it becomes a problem for him. The detention sequences are really nice and paint a picture of who Jake is as a person. The secret about Charlie is also deliciously dramatic, and i love how it all plays out  The break up is written perfectly, and make’s sense. Of course your boyfriend would notice you obsessing over some guy, and the talk of the macy’s perfume was such a memorable thing, like it actually happened to someone in her rea life. I like the filler parts in between the chapters of the messages being shown out, and how it shows how rumors spread fast. It’s really good. I also like how Quinn and Ally are set up as step-siblings, and how Ally is freaked out by it. It’s also very realistic. The part’s with Ally’s father are hard hitting and it’s drawn out enough where you get questions answered and the drama of the situations comes to a head in such a dramatic way that you just don’t see coming!. The birthday scene is so sweet and i love how Jake remembered their conversation, but it was never meant to be, was it? I think i actually love that nobody was end game in this book, and i WILL be buying the rest of the series! 

[ready-to-obeyme]

[OM!] Amaranthine (Lucifer/MC)

Summary: To open his heart up to someone again and love someone unconditionally, without abandon-- a mortal nonetheless-- Lucifer has never understood Lilith more or been more afraid. There will never be enough time to love you, just as there was nothing he could do to change that.

So he must let you go.

Alternatively: Is it better to have loved and lost or to have never loved at all?

Word Count: ~1700

Notes: gn!MC, fluffy beginning but mainly angst, unhappy ending

amaranthine (adj): of an imaginary flower than never fades

--

Lucifer doesn’t remember the last time he’s ever felt content. Satisfaction comes close, but that feeling stems from pride in oneself, in one’s work. (Lucifer is familiar with satisfaction.) But when he wakes up on a quiet, weekend morning with his arm around your waist, the smell of the shampoo in your hair, and the gentle beating of his heart, he finally knows what it means to be content. To be so at ease that all he needs is to bury his face into the crook of your neck to fall asleep again; to be so untroubled that he need not worry about whether or not you’ll be there when he wakes up, because you will-- without a doubt.

When the rubble settled and the dust cleared and the drama dissipated from the House of Lamentations, Lucifer finds himself tripping over himself falling in love with you (as embarrassing as it is for him to admit that). It makes sense, now that he thinks upon it, that his heart would choose someone that had played the pivotal role in resolving the conflict within his family and mending the fraying bonds between him and his brothers. Exceedingly helpful as you were, he knows he was falling for you before you had any hand in assisting any of his brothers. Your heart was golden and your courage (though often he would call it recklessness) when it comes to protecting those you loved knew no bounds.

Lucifer walked you home and you held his hands. You stayed by his side while he worked and he gave you his attention. He kissed you good night and then you said, “I love you.”

Six months after you came down to the Devildom and wreaked havoc on the brothers’ lives (and brought them infinite joy), you no longer had to ask if you could wake up next to him.  

Things were never perfect, but they were happier times. It was almost dream-like; he lived in a haze with you, taking whatever you would give him and giving whatever he could.

(And for you there was never a good time to bring up something that was potentially upsetting. Perhaps it was because you were mortal and time was intrinsically more precious, but the time that you had left in the Devildom loomed over your head like a guillotine.

Perhaps another time, you would tell yourself as you fell asleep in his arms. Another day, when the time is right, you say to yourself firmly when you see Lucifer smiling with his brothers, watching Mammon throw popcorn in the air and Beel catch them in his mouth. Another night, you think as you lie in bed, brushing your hand through Lucifer’s hair as he barely keeps his eyes open after a long night of work. This conversation can wait another day.

You hear his breathing even, but even after hours pass, you lie awake, wondering how you could find the courage to possibly break his heart.)

Months pass and Diavolo-- with dreams larger than life, than all three realms put together-- reminds him that all dreams do end eventually.

“Do you think we should have a party, Lucifer,” Diavolo says to him as the meeting ends, “when the exchange program ends?”

And Lucifer can only look at him, barely controlling the tremble of his lips as he recalls the days that have passed, and the days he has left.

There is never enough.

.

.

.

The problem with being content, ultimately, is that you are complacent. And when the world catches you unaware, it slits your throat without hesitation.

Lucifer walks into the House of Lamentation and climbs the stairs to his bedroom with a calm he does not feel. He dreads finding you, knowing full well what he must say as the final month of the exchange program comes to a close. Was there a way he could have prevented this? He thought to himself, some way to avoid the hurt that inevitably would come?

Lucifer opens the door to see you waiting for him, curled up in bed reading a book. The smile you give him, for once, does not ease his heart.

“Hey, Lucifer,” you start to say, “meeting with Diavolo?”

“Yes,” he says, clearing his throat. It is dry no matter how many times he swallows. He turns away from you and shrugs off his coat. "The meeting went… a little long." Lucifer places his hands on the vanity and looks into the mirror to see his face that will never age.

"...Lucifer?" You ask cautiously, having sensed something in the way he spoke or the way he moved. Lucifer sees you set down the book on the bedside table in the mirror and look at him in concern.

(He should have known better. A demon cannot resist temptation, cannot deny himself something that he wants, and he wishes you were not so tempting, not so loving that he couldn’t resist wanting to be with you.)

"Lucifer--”

“I think it’s best for the both of us if we break up.”

Lucifer hears your voice, high and strained in the background, accompanied by the ringing in his ears. It helps to hear the range of emotions from you as you traverse past shock, to disbelief, before settling on a horrified anger, because he can feel himself becoming your antithesis: calm, separated, and stoic.

“Where is this coming from?” You demand, standing up from the bed, silk sheets strowned haphazardly. He doesn't need to turn to know your eyes are blazing with a righteous fury and fear. "Lucifer, please,” you say, “talk to me."

Lucifer has a list in his mind, of excuses that roll off the tongue easier, that are better to swallow than the truth.

"When you leave the Devildom," he tells you, "I will return to the life I had before you came. I will not be able to visit you in the human realm nor have time to converse with you as we do now as I will return to Diavolo’s service."

Lucifer falters for a moment before continuing, tugging off his tie violently and tossing it onto the vanity. "Our relationship will become inconvenient and cumbersome,” he tells you. From the corner of his eyes, he sees your face reflected on the mirror: frightened and pale. He covers your reflection with a step to the right and looks away.

"If we want to conserve the good memories we've made here… then it is best if we did not continue this relationship.”

The room was quiet, save for the murmuring outside the walls as the brothers moved about in the House preparing for supper. When you finally speak, your voice is quiet, “Did I do something wrong?”

“No!” Lucifer spoke fervently, turning his head to convince you as much. But when he turns and sees you flinch, he turns away again and softens his tone. “No, that’s not it,” he says, glancing down at the vanity. “You haven’t done anything wrong. You’ve…” He feels his shoulders slump tiredly, relieved he could speak truthfully, “You’ve been good to me, to all of us-- more than I could ever ask for.”

“Then why?”

Lucifer opens his mouth, and the lies tumble out like sand through his clenched teeth, “You won’t be happy with me.”

“Why do you get to decide what makes me happy?" He hears you retort, approaching him but never quite within arm’s reach, "What if being with you makes me happy?”

"I don’t mind the long-distance, or- or waiting for the exchange program to start again or have you visit sometimes…" The more you speak, the less sure you sound, as if you’re trying to convince yourself, and the knowing must have shown on his face because you sigh and go silent for a moment.

“Look, I’m sorry. I-- we should have talked about this earlier,” you say, and he believes you. “But I mean it. I want--" a slight pause, "I want this relationship to work, Lucifer.”

“But we-- but we can make it work.” You grow quiet. “We can try to, can’t we? I know I want to... Don’t you feel the same?”

(Is there anything he could want more? If there was a wish he could make selfishly for his own happiness, is this not what he would have wished for?)

“I just believe,” Lucifer continues, clenching his fists, “that it is in our best interest if we ended things now before either of us gets hurt."

“Lucifer--”

"You will die," he says plainly, "and I never will." He looks at you and your face is pained. "You know that."

(To open his heart up to someone again and love someone unconditionally, without abandon-- a mortal nonetheless-- Lucifer has never understood Lilith more or been more afraid. There will never be enough time to love you, just as there was nothing he could do to change that.

How similar are you to Lilith, anyhow? You are not her-- not even remotely alike in any way. And Lucifer does not love you the way he loved his late sister. But it turns out that you are similar to her in the only ways that matters: you will die and Lucifer will lose you.)

You whisper his name like it is a lifeline.

But his mouth is dry and the words come from his mouth like blades on his tongue. “I can’t do it.”

(You will never understand the loneliness of watching the people you love die over and over and leave you. Perhaps you understand that; love him enough to know some parts of him that he still has a hard time understanding. Lucifer loves you, but he will never be able to be there when you need him most-- he is not brave enough.

So he must let you go.

Why does it seem that in every step he takes to protect himself and those he loves, he ends up hurting them anyways?)

“Okay,” you say, your voice barely a whisper. Lucifer watches you close your eyes and press your hands against your tears. You open your mouth in a wordless cry. “Let’s break up.”

[enluv]

their last words before the break up

— enhypen 02' line x fem!reader

warning(s): angst, no happy ending, mean enha :/ (all content below is fiction and is not based on enhypen's real personalities irl, ty!)

coco's ♡ note: lolz uh suffer with me <3

Jay

"I've suffered enough y/n. We both have."

Park Jongseong isn't ready to let go of your relationship, no matter how many times his friends and family tell him it's not going to work out. He still holds out despite what everyone says. He holds out until he physically can't anymore. The sight of you makes his blood boil and his stomach curl in hatred. Jay never imagined your relationship would end this way but alas, the future holds the unthinkable and he just can't go on anymore. He leaves you on a Sunday morning when the sky is grey and it seems like any minute now mother nature will let her tears rain down. The sight makes Jay chuckle, the atmosphere describes you two perfectly, and just as Jay thinks, you don't weep or sob or even shed a tear. He watches as you simply nod and whisper a small "If that's what you want." It's not, but if you're not going to fight for him then why should he fight for you. Park Jongseong leaves your home and never once does he look back.

Jake

"y/n she's everything I've ever wanted."

Notorious for his playboy ways Sim Jake had decided you'd be his next conquest from the second his eyes laid on you. To his surprise though, he'd fallen hard for you. He thinks it's because of how difficult you were to get but he's really not sure. That is until he meets her, and suddenly you're not all he sees. His eyes are focused on her while you focus on him. He looks back at your relationship and deems it just a quick fling that he had to have before he met his so called "soulmate." To make matters worse Jake doesn't even break up with you properly. He waits till you catch him in the act, and then he tells you. The whole scene unfolds terribly but hey, as he said, "you knew what I was like when you agreed to go out with me, why are you surprised."

Sunghoon

"It doesn't matter, I've made my decision."

Sunghoon is the definition of perfect. From the hair on his head to his pointed toe spins, he is perfect. That's why it's such a surprise to everyone when he announces that he's quitting all activities regarding skating to be with his...girlfriend?! Sunghoon loves skating but he loves you a ton more and when you decide that traveling the world is what you plan to do he decides that he'll go along with you for the journey. No matter how many times you tell him it's alright and that he doesn't have to he insists and thus you both set out to explore and enjoy your time together, but it doesn't take long for Sunghoon to long for his past on the ice once again. It all happens as quickly as it started, fights and unforgettable words are thrown back and forth just before Sunghoon packs his things to return back to Korea, suitcase in hand he refuses to turn back as he walks away from you and your once happy relationship.

coco's ♡ note: writing enha angst >> writing enha fluff !!

taglist! @yeoforce @bloom-bloom-pow @nikis-mum @yourlocalhotgf @kyublr @spoooooooooooon @enhacolor @yoongimooni @blaqpinksthectic @gyuuss @eternallyhyucks @dinosdance @simpforsung @misschubswrites (bold can't be tagged!)