#brb gonna go blow up your phone

[jalboyhenthusiast]

louis in montreal (05.09.15) for @holyshit ♥️

[pantoneyoongi]

neon signs | whenever you need me

title ; whenever you need me pairing ; campus crush!yoongi x campus crush!you 

notes ; 

this is part of the neon signs drabble series, where drabbles are released in random order (but listed chronologically in the masterlist!) 

series description ;

namjoon doesn’t think it can get any clearer outside of yoongi building a giant neon sign saying i have the absolute biggest crush on you but apparently, book smarts don’t exactly translate when it comes to you and your massive crush on min yoongi. 

(alternatively: namjoon and hoseok try for three years straight to get you and yoongi together.) 

word count ; 1.2k

tags ; baby angst in the form of a bad day, bye this one made me so soft, gonna go cry brb, pls go to masterlist for more / general tags 

it’s not that bad. it’s really not that bad. 

that’s what you try to convince yourself of, even as the tears well up in your eyes anyway as you stare out from inside the building. it’s raining outside, the cherry on top of your unreasonably bad day. 

you don’t know what went wrong today. maybe you woke up on the wrong side of the bed. but you feel miserable and every little thing seems to be going wrong, a series of minor inconveniences that keep building up and up and up until you’re standing here in near tears just because it’s raining outside and you forgot your umbrella. 

i have a hood, you try to reason with yourself. i could make a run for it. except your dorm is on the other side of campus and even if you did make a run for it, there’s no doubt you would get soaked. 

your fingers clutch miserably at the test papers you have in your hands. your shitty score stares back at you and, frustrated, you yank your backpack off your shoulders to shove the offending papers into your bag. you’re biting back tears with everything you have because nothing that happened today feels like a good enough reason to start crying. sure, you slipped earlier and now your jeans have dirt stains on them. but your knees weren’t scraped. sure, you were almost late to class because for some reason the entrance you usually use was locked and you had to run all the way around to the other side of the building just to get in. but you made it on time. and sure, your test scores are in the dumpster, but your overall grade in this class is high enough to keep you from dropping too low. 

but it’s raining and you don’t have an umbrella and everything has gone wrong today and namjoon is still in class so he can’t come get you and tell you everything will be okay like he always does. 

he’s blowing up your phone now, even ignoring his professor - namjoon always pays attention in class - just to try and make you feel better. you’ve been complaining and whining to him all day, which isn’t necessarily a new thing, but namjoon knows you too well and knows something about today is different. today is pushing you to your limits. 

the buzzing of your phone switches from the short text vibrations to longer ones, and you pull your phone out of your pocket, frowning. namjoon wouldn’t call you from class. he knows you’d nag him for ditching class just to try and make you feel better. 

instead, you see yoongi’s contact lighting up your phone. the picture is one you took last semester, yoongi’s awkward, endearing, crooked smile on display as he let you take the photo. you tilt your head, confused as you pick up. “yoongi?” 

“hi,” he greets, voice low and soothing. “where are you?” 

“um,” you take a seat at the windowsill of your building. “i’m at wright. why?” 

“stay there. i’m coming.” 

he hangs up before you get a chance to question him further. your eyebrows knit together but you sigh and decide to listen to him, hugging your backpack and resting your chin on top of it as you wait for him. 

minutes later, yoongi bursts through the doors, shaking his umbrella off in the entryway, head twisting and turning to search for you. “oh-” you’ve barely gotten the word out before yoongi strides over to you, one hand hooking into the strap of your backpack to swing it over his own shoulders. you haven’t even stood yet, not quite processing what’s happening. “yoongi?” 

with your backpack adjusted on his shoulders and an umbrella in one hand, he offers out his free hand to gently pull you to your feet when you accept. his palm is warm against yours, and you’re not sure if he does it on purpose or not, but his thumb trails lightly over your knuckles before he lets go of your hand. 

“namjoon texted me,” he explains. his head tilts lower to meet your height, concern in his eyes. “said you were having a bad day.” 

your lower lip trembles and, before you can help it, the tears are back in your eyes. yoongi retreats a little, entire body stiff and slightly panicked. “i didn’t mean - he said you didn’t bring an umbrella -” 

you sniffle and yoongi is definitely panicking now, a sight you’re fairly certain you haven’t seen before, because it makes you choke out a laugh, seeing him so frantic. “you’re so nice to me, yoongi,” your voice comes out tiny and wobbly, and he pauses, gaze softening. he scratches the back of his neck. 

“namjoon and hoseok would’ve come to get you too, if they weren’t in class,” he shrugs, like it’s an easy thing for him to have crawled out of his warm bed just to come get you in the pouring rain. you know how much he loves his bed. he offers that half-smile of his, a yoongi specialty, before gently placing his hand on your lower back to guide you towards the door. the warmth of his palm spreads all over you, helped along by the way yoongi’s eyes fall to you, full of care and bordered with hints of worry. 

you try your best to smile back at him, hoping to push the worry out from his features, but it doesn’t work as well as you wish it would. his hand shifts away from your back, hovers hesitantly before he lowers his hand to ruffle your hair slightly. his touch is comforting, and you let yourself lean into it a little. it’s been too long a day for you to resist min yoongi’s attempts at making you feel better. 

as the two of you walk across campus, shielded by his umbrella, he nudges your shoulder slightly. “talk to me,” he murmurs, breaking the silence. you lower your head, embarrassed to look at him for being this upset over such little things. “hey,” he bumps your shoulder lightly again. “it’s just me.” 

your round eyes meet his earnest ones, promising you he’ll listen to even the most ridiculous of things you have to say. he offers a tiny smile, “i’m a very good listener,” he says, eyebrows lifting up. it makes you giggle a little, and his smile grows, before he stops the both of you. “i don’t always have advice, but i’m here for you,” he says sincerely. “whatever it is you wanna say, y/n. i’ll listen to you and try to be there for you, if you’ll let me.” 

you can tell he means it, the way he stares back resolutely, and he takes a half-step back out of surprise when you bury yourself into his chest, arms tight around his waist. he fumbles with his grip on the umbrella but quickly rights it again before you can get rained on, his other hand coming back to wrap around you. “thank you,” you mumble against his shirt. “it means a lot, yoongi.” 

he exhales slowly, cheek lowering to press against your head. “whenever you need me,” he promises. “i’ve got you.” 

masterlist ; neon signs

taglist ; @thelilbutifulthings @bbsantc​ @chickentenderx​ @taegijns​ @princxssly82​ @manuosorioh​ @sugaluvmyg 

[jennawynn]

Chronotrek TNG Part 2

Season 1 Ep 8- Season 2 Ep 1

I didn't do a very good job of keeping notes for most of this (and I might not until I'm Actually Watching again vs having it on while I work).

"There can be no justice so long as laws are absolute." More "woke garbage" that conservatives (and shatner) missed the first time around, I guess lmao.

16- Why not just cast actual old people-- oh, it's another de-aging plot. Carry on.

17- Knowing that Frakes had a back injury makes it really easy to spot. Poor guy.

23- ok ffs, if the captain calls down to Engineering, it's because he needs to know something, probably quickly. you don't delay that by giving him your full first, middle initial, last name and title when you answer the phone, you just say "Engineering".

Skipping things and doing them by hand because the _computer_ is too slow?? Are you INSANE?? It's amazing these ships don't blow up more.

RIP Yar. Does everyone just... record themselves saying goodbye to everyone just in case? brb gonna go write a letter then make sure never to update it so the things i say will be weirdly out of context.

25- Data trying to understand jokes and faking laughter is A+, no notes, I totally see why he is the autistic posterchild.

"no logs" except those needed for the narrative I guess.

Still cutting from close-ups to wide angle, from the back, stunt fight shots, huh? Even more jarring in this one with how frequently it cuts back and forth so the old admiral can kick riker in the chin.

And Season 2's opener... I have a few feelings about this one.

1- the captain outing troi's pregnancy to everyone... nice tact, cap. but the hilarious part is that he's like Picard- Counselor Troi is pregnant Riker- no reaction Picard- She's going to have a baby. Riker- :shocked_pikachu: A BABY?! yes, Riker, that's what pregnant means.

I hate pregnancy storylines (and apparently Troi's actress did too, or at least this was listed on IMDB as her least favorite ep)

I do not like the new doctor. Maybe it's bias bc I saw something about how Beverly was removed bc the actress fought against the sexist storyline last season, but she makes a mockery of Data's 'bruised feelings' when he corrects her pronunciation of his name (One is my name, the other is not.) and when he leaves, she has the parting blow of 'Day-ta. Whatever.' like his feelings, his NAME, don't matter to her. There was something else too, but I didn't write it down and now I've forgotten. She's just... grating on me for some reason.

However, the highlight of this episode is Worf volunteering to 'tuck Wesley in at night.' It was a cute scene about making sure that Wesley doesn't feel isolated if he stays onboard without his mom, that he still has people to act as his family aboard, looking out for him and acknowledging that even if he is an acting ensign, he's still a child.

[yourfifitherealone]

(I'll Always Love You, No Matter What pt3 Finale) I'm Sorry About The Truth

In the morning you threw up in the trashcan near your bed, you had placed it there after too many "morning surprises" and having to clean up the aftermath. You felt a certain weight holding you down from getting up off the bed or even fully turning to throw up almost making you miss the trash. You peered at your lap then seeing Izuku's green poofy hair and relaxed sleeping face. He's lying on his back arms are crossed over his chest probably because of the lack of blanket on him. You grabbed the other corner of the blanket and wrapped him up in it like he was in a sleeping bag and went into the bathroom.

"Good morning, Darlin' " Midoriya groans with tiredness in his eyes and his body language. "Did you sleep in my room all night?" You said avoiding his nicknames. "Mhm I thought about it, and I wanted to sleep with the baby, so I went back in your room for the night." "1. Yeah you TOTALLY wanted to sleep with the BABY yeah just the baby and 2. I need to start locking my door." He laughs, "Okay MAYBE I wanted to sleep with both of you and if you did lock your door, it'd just make it harder for you in the morning, Dear I really don't recommend tha-" just then Midoriya's phone started ringing. "Oh um..." He looked at the phone and it was his boss, Tomura Shigarki...

"Oh ha! It's Shiggy I gotta take this brb" he said walking off into the living room, "-Hey- yeah why you calling so early?" Then he started pacing around the house on the phone like always. While he was distracted, you made your favorite cereal and went back into the room. You remembered, when you two were still together he always walked around when he was on the phone. He would go upstairs then downstairs then on the lawn then in the backyard and sometimes and somehow (If the convo lasted that long) he'd be in the garage. You always thought it was funny how he'd end up in random places, you'd laugh and make jokes about it. And said things like if he keeps walking around, he'd end up in the shower with a shower cap on. You turned on your smart TV and started watching Netflix Arcane because why not.

Mid-episode, Midoriya walked in and declared, "I know you don't NECESSARILY LIKE it buuuuut-" he tried to soften the blow, "I have to work" He finished. You looked drily as you took another bite of your cereal with a quick hand movement to move from the TV screen. He sighed with a chuckle and kissed your cheek, "your so adorable!" Even when you try to act like you have him he has rocks for brains... "K bye," you reply. Izuku blows a kiss at you and of course one for the baby then closes the door and leaves. You sink deep into the mattress and drown in thick and thin blankets. You decided, you were gonna tell him.

You felt guilty and wanted to fix it but you had contradicting thought, 'What if he had a bad day today?' but you were still gonna go through with it, for both of your sakes.

"Honey, I'm home!" Izuku cackled while unlocking the door. While stuffing his lockpick in his pocket he lays down at your legs onto the couch. "How was your day, Deku?" He gasps, "Your calling me, Deku? Well considering that your calling me nicknames now, I'm amazing, Hun" "Good I have something hella important to tell you." You announced. "Hella important?" "Hella."

"Well I'm hoping it's something good about the baby or your proposing but what is it? What's troubling your mind?" He ask rubbing up and down on your leg and thigh. "I..." You trailed off.

He tilts his head and stops his hand, "Hey, it's okay" "It's not your gonna kill me" you sighed and covered your face with your hands. "I would never if anything i WILL kill whatever or whoever is bothering you. I LOVE you, not a lot will change that. Now tell me what's going on."

"Well I so the baby is like 1000% yours and I lied because I thought you were gonna leave well me and I just wanted you to stay so bad so I thought I'd have a better chance of just lying and I'm sorry I'm so sorry. When I see what it did to you I...I'm just so sorry and if i would've told you the truth right then you would've like left. I am so selfish and I'm sorry. And when you didn't leave I kept trying to push you away but here your are just supporting me and everything and I know and totally understand you want to definitely leave now and that's okay but I couldn't let you think for any longer I did that to you and that I didn't care."

Izuku looked puzzled and looked down as he made circles into your thigh with his index finger. "Well that was a lot, right?" Izuku laughed. "I can't laugh right now I feel terrible" "okay okay. I appreciate your honesty SO much and I still love you regardless. Don't stress the baby" he winked and laid on your lap.

"I don't now if I can even say this but...I..love you?"

"I love you too and little Jr."

[savannah-5555]

"This isn't what it looks like"

Prompt 18 of @jilytoberfest "This isn't what is looks like"

Muggle AU at Hogwarts University feat. Chris Evan's sweater from Knives out

******************************************************

Group chat: Lily Evans, Marlene McKinnon, Mary MacDonald, Dorcas Meadows

Lily: He’s here!!!

Marlene: Who?

Mary: SEND A PIC PLEASE

Marlene: Who are we talking about??

Lily: I can’t send a pic! That is super stalkerish

Dorcas: do it do ittttt. btw be there in 4 minutes, just got out of my chem midterm

Marlene: Who are you talking about @Lily?? Also I grabbed your charger from the dorm

Lily: Arms is here. That guy we saw at the gym after cycling class and who is in mine and Dorcas’ bio lecture

Marlene: Arms?? BRUH make a move!

Mary: You guys have been talking about him all week… I NEED A PIC

Lily: Ok hold on, he walked away from his table.

Lily: @D hurry up and get here!!!

Lily: He’s back!!

Mary: picccccccsss betch!! :)

Marlene: Is Man Bun with him? Asking for Remus.

*Remus Lupin added to conversation*

Remus: i stg man bun better be there after this psych lecture gets out 🤤

Dorcas: lmaoooo Mar get that man some water #thirsty

Lily: brb gonna be the world’s creepiest stalker and snap a pic

“Hey babes,” Dorcas sat across from Lily, propping open her macbook. She craftily hung her bag on the back of her chair, secretly peeking at Arms and Man Bun behind them. “Remus is so peeved they had a make-up lecture today.” As if on cue, their group message lit up on their laptop iMessages.

Remus: we’re waiting

Mary: you are the world’s hottest stalker! I believe in you 🤗🤗🤗

Lily casually leaned onto her shoulder, and flipped open the camera on her iPhone. She feigned scrolling up through her phone. Very casual. Any onlooker could clearly see she was probably scrolling Instagram or Tik Tok and absolutely not about to take a photo. Arms was within perfect line of sight, two tables down from her in the library. Chair tilted back on its hind legs as he lounged back, hands interlaced behind his head. He laughed at something Man Bun had said as one hand ruffled his dark brown hair.

*flash*

The next several moments of Lily Evans’ life proceeded in a mortifying succession.

Camera flash.

Arms looked directly up, catching her in the act.

Man Bun whipped around, an amused expression on his face when he saw who was holding the camera.

Lily: omfg

Dorcas: YOU GUYS HER FLASH WENT OFF

Marlene: nooooooooooooo

Mary: rip 💀

Arms smirked, humor glinting behind his circular specs as Lily felt her face burn. Man Bun leaned in to whisper something and Arms turned and nodded.

“Sorry D, text me when it’s safe to come back.” Lily hopped out of her seat to find solace in the library stacks so she could go hide out in the bathroom. Her mobile buzzed incessantly as her group chat continued to blow up. “Shit shit shit,” Lily swore under her breath, looking down to respond, “Oof” she collided with another student, “Sorry sorry I was just-” She stopped short when she realized who she ran into.

“Hey mate,” Arms stood in front of her, dark jeans, cream colored knit jumper really doing wonders for his torso. He leaned against the end of the bookshelf and crossed his arms.

“This isn’t what is looks like,” Lily blurted.

“So this is not you running away after you tried to take a photo of me when your flash went off?”

“Ok so this is exactly what it looks like.” The jig was up, Lily saw no reason to lie about it.

“And why are you staking me out in the library exactly?” Arms seemed to enjoy making her squirm.

“I’d like to clarify that I was not staking you out. I’ve been coming to this section of the library for the past two years and have never seen you here before,” she started, flipping her phone to Do Not Disturb, “and I was simply gathering photographic evidence of the hot guy in McGonagle’s lecture so show my friends.”

“Mhmm, and did you get this photo?”

“I did, yes, thank you. But now I must go and die of embarrassment in the loo, so if you’ll excuse me,” Lily attempted to slip past him, but he quickly sidestepped in front of her.

“And no apology for this gross invasion of privacy?” His voice was lighthearted and smile proved he was not actually upset.

“Oh!” Lily scrunched her face, “You’re right. I’m sorry. That was wrong of me. I can delete it now actually.” Sorry Mary, she thought as she opened her phone to delete the picture.

“I’m going to need a little more than that,” Arms arched a brow at her, before swiping the phone from her unexpecting hands.

“What the-” Lily started as his thumbs began moving across her phone screen.

“Dinner will be a good start though,” He handed her her mobile back, reaching into his back pocket as a ping! Messaging sound rang from his own phone.

Lily looked down to find a text message crafted to an unknown number, a lone camera emoji encased in the blue text bubble.

“Dinner…” Lily repeated slowly.

“I get off football practice at 4:30 tomorrow so can we can meet in the Great Hall for 5:30? They’ve got pasta bar on Wednesdays.” He named off the dining hall on campus known for its rotating themed dinners.

“Erm, like a date?” Lily’s brain was working over time to process their conversation.

“An apology dinner, a date, potato, potahto,” Arms shrugged, grinning devilishly, “Text me your name will you?”

“I’m Lily,” her thumbs fired off a quick Lily Evans to the text thread he had opened.

“Great. See you tomorrow, Evans,” he winked before slinking away, undoubtedly returning to rehash the turn of events to Man Bun.

Her phone lit up.

+1-555-523-4251: James Potter 📸 😏

[neoheros]

how would haikyuu boys handle getting shipped with a friend on tiktok? feat. kuroo tetsuro

kuroo tetsuro has a crippling tiktok addiction and he’s in denial about it but everyone around him knows because all he does in his free time is get on that app

that’s canon i’m not arguing with anyone about this

he’s the kind of guy to fall asleep from scrolling through his fyp and the moment he wakes up he looks for his phone under his pillow to watch more lmaooo

so anyways

you share classes with him and he’s not really the kind of guy to have crushes especially on people he’s not close with

but then one day he’s on his fyp and he stumbles on one of your videos

and he’s just like ?? woah

he recognizes you obvi, he’s not one to talk to people out of his friend group but he’s not completely ignorant to everyone else

he immediately sees that you have indeed quite the following and have almost majority of your posts going viral

so yea you can say he’d notice you more in class now

at first it was subtle, looking at you more when he’s spacing out or paying close attention to you when you’re reciting

he doesn’t even notice how he includes you more in his thought process until the day kenma pointed it out to him how he’s been a bit more distracted lately

he brushed it off thinking it wasn’t really anything serious

but then boy Oh boy !!!

he started noticing the fact that you’ve got a really nice room in your vids and your fave led lights are the red ones since you almost always use them

he’s also really into the fact that you upload more on comedic videos than dancing ones

but HONEY when you posted your take on the dance trend of savage by megan thee stallion ,,, he was GONEEEE !!!

he sent that video to kenma like five times in a row with the caption “aha brb gonna LIVE for this woman 😗✌️”

kenma be like: simp city population - u

at this point he just accepts it, like flat out he took it within himself to UNDERSTAND how much he’s crushing on you and kenma asks him if he’s gonna do anything about it and he’s like ????

like he gets how awesome he is and stuff cause duh captain of the volleyball team and most probably the most beautiful man on campus but you’re also really good in class and very attractive

not to mention that you’ve never even looked his way before

he was hurt, man !!

only he could feel as rejected as someone who actually did get rejected

nevertheless, he got over that and just woke up one day telling himself that he was gonna shoot his shot anyway !!

so one day in class, right after the lunch bell rang, he took a deep breath and rummaged his insides for every drip of confidence he could muster

he walked to your seat and you were kinda surprised because this boy right here has never once talked to you before

his opening line was “can i sit here?”

you were still really confused but then he said something about wanting to be friends and your heart was just really warm cause !!!! that’s so NICE !!

and he mentioned how he knew you from tiktok since you practically lived on his fyp

you were really embarrassed and he got to see in action how your ears turn really red when you get shy

kuroo, internally: “that’s so FUCKEN CUTE !!!!!”

he had to reassure you that it was indeed really cool that you made bomb ass tiktoks

you were so grateful cause like one minute you were having a terrible day because of your stupid teacher then bam this 6’2 beauty of a man came swooping in telling you you were terrific

you two became friends after that and it made you really happy to have someone as cool as kuroo as your best friend

kuroo likes to sit with you at lunch except when you’re with other people then he gets a bit dejected so he’s just “well damn maybe tomorrow then”

it’s all good though cause he has invited you to numerous of his practices and that’s when you SEE how amazing this man is at volleyball

one day you’re like “hey wanna do a tiktok with me?”

and he’s like “the one where you kiss me?”

you, flushed: DIPSHIT WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT !!!!1!1!1!!

you guys do the one where you dance to supalonely by benee

it went OFF !!! 700k likes and a solid ass 2.7M views because apparently the viewers really like it when kuroo dances next to you in his varsity uniform and has sweat dripping on his forehead

your comments for the next two weeks are just like “bro post another one with kuroo please PLEASE”

kuroo: guess people just like me more :)

you: leave my mentions <3

sometimes you’d get people replying to your videos with “you and kuroo look really good together”

you see them but you most likely ignore it because even if you did know how much you liked kuroo, you didn’t wanna jeopardize the friendship, yk?

anyhow due to popular demand, you include him in your videos again and every time you do they always go viral !!!

it’s very cute especially when you do the ones where you snapchat him song lyrics and he answers even if he does know it’s a trend

“can they please just get together already, we all know they’re pining but they’re too coward to say it !!”

you: ok u know what user9728182829 since u’r so good at this why don’t u be the one to make tiktoks at a volleyball court and dodge all those stray balls 😤

you were so fed up with it that you actually tell kuroo about the entirety of tiktok shipping the two of you together

he was worried that you were upset because people liked you and him dating that he thought maybe you just weren’t into him

BUT THEN !!!

because of the corona virus all the schools shut down and people were forced to stay in their houses for quarantine

it was sad that everything got cancelled and you weren’t allowed to see your friends anymore

but that’s ok cause kuroo insisted to facetime everyday

you: why can’t we just text

kuroo: because what if you forget what i look like 🥺

you: hey i’m not that blessed ❤️

it was like the quarantine never happened since you still saw and talked to him everyday

sometimes he’d show up at your place but refuse to come inside cause social distancing

this mfer threw rocks on your glass window just to get your attention once

kuroo: i got you those edible cookie dough in pints !!

you: omfg 🥺👉👈

then he chucks it at you because he ain’t boutta break the law to get you food 😤

it’s ok though you have really good reflexes and it only hit your elbow the first 2 times !!

you got it all on camera and posted it on tiktok and everyone in the comments were LIVID at the fact that you captioned it with “best friends b like”

“i just know that kuroo is punching the air right now.”

“imagine risking the corona and still being friend zoned.”

“when you realize kuroo is actually the president of simp city.”

other times he’d snap you at 3 in the morning asking if you want anything from starbucks

no one:

your snapchat dms at 3:28 am: you really went to bed you SN A KE !!

and when you wake up the next morning you find out that this guy is still awake and that he’s been chilling in the starbucks parking lot all morning !!!

that’s ok though because other than the fact that his sleep schedule is completely wrecked he still got you your venti strawberry acai refresher

you: thank you sm 🥺 what do i owe you

kuroo: a kiss on the cheek

you: you can have the drink back ❤️

that’s when the new tiktok trend started and people were posting the hottest guys on campus or revealing their crushes since 1st grade

you, feeling brave because school is cancelled: aight bet 😎

you do a tiktok hopping on the trend and you captioned it with “now that we aren’t coming back to school here are the boys from campus that i’d date for real”

you stall for the first 30 second by vibing to the music and when the beat drop !!

you showed a picture of kuroo and you put in the text “kinda missing him too”

you were extremely regretting this but numerous people already saw it and the comments went on and on about how unsurprising this was

press f ma’am

so one afternoon while kuroo was scrolling through his tiktok, he was surprised by the amount of notifications he was getting

cause he doesn’t even post videos ??

he’s only there to watch funny stuff and leave insulting comments on your posts cause he’s a good friend

he checks and they’re all just tags of him in this one video and he was kinda worried cause what if it was a hate post ??

but then he saw that it was yours and he’s less nervous !!!

kuroo, texting you: if you diss me in this one i’m posting the screenshot of you falling asleep on facetime

so he watches it and ??????????????

bro he went 🥺

before he messages you he went straight for the comments and !!!!!

“who knew it was kuroo before watching the whole video?”

“don’t be shy put some more photos of him !!”

“if kuroo duets this i’m gonna make sure to never fall in love unless its like this.”

“y’all he did it boys!! he graduated from the best friend zone!!”

he’s still really surprised by this and he really hopes you’re not kidding cause bro you??? like him????

thanks to that comment he saw, he decides to duet your video by using the same sound and doing the same dance with the same caption “now that we aren’t coming back to school here are the ones from campus that i’d date for real”

and they’re all just pictures of you 🥺

it blows up but before you see it on your fyp he’s already asking to facetime and when you answer you swear he’s just got the biggest smile in the world i’m :(

kuroo: lol remember when you publicly told majority of the internet how much you liked me

you: lol remember when you weren’t talking ❤️

[luminous-shifting-vibes]

*sequel* to actual fucking quotes from the shiftblr coffeehouse discord server

once again, it's out of context because x1000 funnier

also x1000 longer than previous post

"ur satan is gnc af"

"Bestie I’m already having gender envy over a fucking demon please"

"O_O ODEPIJHFbavevisdpvfhzdcnjawedsidjksjdkoeirjfmkdsoeirujdksodifjndmksoidfjdksidfj ITS" NOT IN MY FRAFTS IS SPEDNT 1 hour PN THAT SHIT"

"AUGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"

"ohoho sexy"

"I am very proud of myself"

"himbo x edgy fuck"

"YOU COULD SQUISH HES CHEECKS"

"he has teefs"

"SQUASH"

"good for biting 📷"

"he's a himbo basically"

"B͂̒̄iͫ̍̈tͧ̓ͯè̄̇"

"bifth"

"i havent watched blue exorcist in years but mr okumura my beloved </3"

"MY LIFE QUESTIONS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED"

"is it important information to mention that the person i put up for my turn is the son of satan" "I know like 1 thing about everyone who isnt ranboo lmfao"

"crimes"

"tumblr sexyman"

"idk why but my first thought was cowboy onceler"

"I vibe with him but he is very long and twisty"

"steampunk e-girl"

"steampunk tumblr sexyman"

"Canonically bi crimelord I agree!!"

"OOO FRIEND SHAPED"

"ARTIST SIGHTED"

"they look like someone i would want to be friends with but is way cooler than me so i'd never actually talk to them"

"babby..... would die for him"

"honestly i probably kin him"

"i'm sure he's lovely but he looks way too much like my ex i'm sorry-"

"i'd be down for another rotation! i have another twink to show y'all"

"Also :00 blonde friend"

"Let us all infodhmo"

"Hsjagdvbs shhh im on phone"

"Nix woukd you like to joon?

"skitters away"

"I have two braincells and they both drink dumb bitch juice"

"oof wait whats the order again i have 0 memory"

"i want to bond with him over cosplay-"

"Awkwardly watches in band kid"

"One day I'm gonna a broadway star"

"which isnt to say they were bad. they were just fortnite dancing during rehersals"

"I threw it so hard my glasses flew off and slid under the stage right divider"

"anyway heres my boi"

"emo"

"haha emo"

"virgil sanders kinnie"

"he looks like he listens to my chemical panic at the fallout boy"

"Bro I bet he'd kick my ass with his deck"

"bird man my beloved"

"fuck i had so much to say and then i forgot it all"

"Birds!!"

"guiguhuh"

"crabrave"

"She sounds like someone I would end up stealing her personality"

"yess name collector gang"

"alias glass aiden haven absinthe fish brick rice"

"But I have Cypress, Remure, Genesis, Lemres, and Comet"

"And she's named after a mars candy bar bc alien"

"Hey, if plato went by plato, you can be king thief"

"im not dissing my gramma like that shfojd"

"My dad has seven legal names" "bitches be like *looks at fictional character* *steals their name* it's us we're bithces"

"coraline lowkey traumatized me but i adore it regardless"

"mmmmmm magic man :]"

"°0° green man"

"criminal (affectionate)"

"he would shoplift a candy bar from walmart and then brag to all of his friends about the sick stealing he did"

"despite the fact he's canonically been capable of overpowering a minor deity"

"i would commit so many crimes for him"

"Very babey"

"Yes please tell green man he is very pog"

"he also keeps a lot of dumb secrets"

"but I will sorely miss the chaos and energy of this here chat until I wake again" (by request XD)

"i just say words and if they're funny then they're funny"

"* or extremly chaotic either works"

"at this point we are just taking turns rambling"

"oH--"

"bc my brain has a schedule"

"Hopefully they have gyoza there or I will lose my mind"

"hehe yes spooky man"

"my ghost glucose guardian"

"the head of the undead group that lives there, and we end up dating. (yes I date a ghost, no I will not be taking constructive criticism /lh)"

"ghosts r just inherently sexy"

"i mean im becoming a squid thing so"

"Raven quirk raven quirk!!"

"ł â m p"

"łæmp"

"mothman: ooh lamp you look very nice today! do you come here often? mothman: wait shit no"

"I'd date a ghost"

"mine is still accurate, i am still sobbing (/j)"

"p e e p e e"

""@nick wilde is a tumblr sexyman" is the best thing i have ever seen"

"im sorry im cackling like a dying hyena"

"you're all 12 year olds"

"PEENIE"

"He once caused global warming on accident so he could get a tan"

"god, what a himbo. i love him"

"that reminds me of my friends kin assigned me jesus"

"Man outside of battle be like: princely crying but then in battle hes like: "CATACLYSM! DISASTER! DEVASTATION!" Chill out man"

"Every time I talk about satan it never fails to shock people it's my favorite thing to do"

"im kin assigning him roman sanders" ""Oh yeah he caused global warming because he wanted to get girls" "he what""

"oh damn i forgot satan was straight"

"twink appreciation club"

"give us the twinks"

"my first thought was bottom-"

"so many people to try and get his dad to love him"

"daddy issued"

"OH MY GOD ITS WILBUR"

"Big boy but"

"anyways janus is swagggg"

"........................."

"gib twink"

"give twink then i will share"

"holds him gentle like hamburger"

"This dumb bitch opened a book that said "do not open" and got possessed by a little bastard"

"he is. fragile creachur"

"klug is beauty klug is grace i would let him step on my face"

"If I'm playing swap and I have to hear one more "Pwanet Powew" Im gonna lose it"

"Who is to blame? Pandora or the box?"

"Bakugo isnt my type but I respect the drip"

"i say like my type isnt long-haired pretty boys and girls that look so gnc that people have a history of confusing them for men"

"hes a gremlin and i can appreciate a pretty gremlin"

"that is to say i am attracted to VFlower vocaloid. This is a confession."

"note i am a lesbian"

"You may like Schezo wegey"

"why does he have one single expression"

"soul soul eater passes the vibe check"

"magic wand"

"I Want To Hold His Hand"

"i would commit a war crime for him any war crime idc which one"

"my favorite one is when he sounded rlly gay because he said "Muscular bodies keep me satisfied""

"p e a n u t"

"Klug is a homophobic homosexual its just facts"

"grug from the croods is peak male performance"

"jaw drops to floor, eyes pop out of sockets accompanied by trumpets, heart beats out of chest, awooga awooga sound effect, pulls chain on train whistle that has appeared next to head as steam blows out, slams fists on table, rattling any plates, bowls or silverware, whistles loudly, fireworks shoot from top of head, pants loudly as tongue hangs out of mouth, wipes comically large bead of sweat from forehead, clears throat, straightens tie, combs hair Ahem, you look very lovely."

"tag yourself im the fireworks shooting from the top of the head"

"i like essays"

"central time gang"

"11:11 pog-" (wait... is that a suprise angel number?? yes it is lovelies just for you <3)

"Then again im also a dumbass bitch who wonders what the souls in soul eater taste like. SERIOUSLY THOUGH. THEY LOOK TASTY AS HELL!!!! LIKE GODDAMN BRO YOU'RE MAKING ME FUCKING HUNGRY. Like. that shit- it's Bone Apple motherfucking Teeth. hell yea my guy. Im hongy now.... shlorp I'm seriously considering this. Like. They seem kinda like a liquid? But a solid? Are they like jello? The fuck they taste like my guy???? I keep imagining they're like sour, like sour candy maybe? Or do they taste salty? Sweet? Maybe some combo of two? Do they even have a taste or is it about the texture? The sensation? God my mouth is watering what the hell. I am starving. I think I need to go get a cookie. I'm gonna go get a cookie. Brb. I'm better. I'm still craving souls though. Which is a weird-ass cringey thing to say but I'm being dead-ass rn. They just.... look tasty???? And I wanna eat one. Thus. I am shifting to Soul Eater for the express purpose of satisfying my fucking cravings. enjoy"

"points were made"

"jello? more like helloooo schloooAHFJDSDAIDWNALDHSJKDAIDANDM"

"WAIT I THINK I HAVE AN ANIME GIRL BITING VIDEO TOO"

"anime girl voice: mmm! mm... ahhhhmp!! mmm, mmm... aaahmp!"

"i think it sounds great i'm going to start eating like that"

"several people are typing"

"do these look edible to you"

"forbidden gummies"

"when I was on lsd I couldn't eat my fruit gummies because I thought they were alive because they had little faces on them"

"oh shit yeah don't do drugs"

"anyways general consensus is puyos are edible, ty for your input everyone"

"everypony is a word so powerful it can bring nations to its knees"

"pls the self control it's taking me not to say "hewwo everypony" in gen chat when someone new joins-"

"hewwo evewrypony uwu deaw cewestia i hopwe it doewsnt wain owo"

"ive cooked up a sowution wiwth the knowwege ive acwued. they say a kitcwen time saves niwne, but im just savwing two. Ive gathewwed the inwedients to make a time sowbet. Thewe's hawdly woom fow seconds when the seconds mewt away."

"I had a ten year old sister... you know what happened to her??? very sad, very tragic... she turned eleven....."

"NIIICE"

"Guts dont say the secks word :( /j"

"watch your fucking language in front of the president"

"im so sorry lumi"

"i think you're like ehhhh 8/10 funny"

"now me???? 10/10. Hilarious"

"sometimes i have to take a step back and remember that this is the same guts i follow on tumblr /lh"

""ok every here's some good shifting advice!!! uwu have a good day" "yeah i did lsd and ate fruit gummies""

"i have one setting and it's whatever this is"

"my bitch ass cat just pushed the door open with his fuzzy face and now my sleeping dad is being lulled into dreams by Cosmo Sheldrake's 'Pliocine'."

"me on discord: nick wilde"

"me on tumblr: shifting water! haha funne! me on here: my hermit crabs are cannibals also i want to eat souls."

"im sorry yOUR VIBESA RE JUST SO DIFFERNT"

"u give off older cousin ive never spoken to but always admire at the family gatherings vibes"

"what the fuck"

"BC I HAVE LIBERTU"

"If you adopt me then yes"

"am I qualified for dad jokes???"

"we're all a lot smarter on tumblr"

"I'm like "awww... sweet... sweet little shiftlings... posting such sweet shiftling content... so pure, so wholesome... does not even know abcs....""

"can't think before you speak if you never think B)"

"I'm not responsible enough to be a mom"

"cat pet"

"show us pictures of the cat or i will do Crime"

"maybe thats me being a coward tho"

"MOTH!!!! MOTH MY BELOVED"

if y'all want I can make this a series bc shiftblr keeps giving me more content

[beaversatemygrandma]

Kinda Very Pokemon Legends postgame story spoiler-y so most is under the cut.

But Volo is no longer known as the Legends sexyman. It’s Adaman now. Fuck Volo.

Literally tho. I was going through the mainline post credits missions with catching legends and gathering plates and only keeping my one lvl 85 Rhyperior with me for just in case fights and the rest of the party being pokemon I’ve been raising and training for the dex. And well, unknowingly, i decided to follow Volo up to mount coronet not really expecting much, maybe another legendary encounter, nbd. I’ve got a lvl 68 Torterra with sleep powder for catching things too.

Fucker fights me, saying he started this whole debacle himself. With his godawful arceus looking hair under that hood. And HIS FUCKING GARCHOMP. (YOUR GREAT GREAT GREAT GRANDDAUGHTER IS HOTTER THAN YOU WITH HER GARCHOMP. FUCK OUTTA HERE DUDE. JUMPING ME LIKE THIS.) At this point I was ready to destroy the man with my bare hands. Every pokemon other than rhyperior was wrecked. Knocked out. Unusable. Not like a couple lvl 40s would do much to the GIRATINA HE SUMMONS TO SPITE GOD.

It knocked out rhyperior in one hit with an aura sphere. I’m going to be the one to personally kill Volo. Cynthia will looks different in the present but I’m ready to take that risk. I came back later with my actual team and now that I had a method other than high-risk tanky attacks with one pokemon and item stalls, he actually showed some competitive level fighting. I was actually amazed by that. Sure, Weavile wrecked both him and giratina but still. Fucking neat bud. That’s where Cynthia got that natural skill. (also a Very Similar team to hers in Platinum btw. Full 6 pokemon party all lvl 70-ish too just in case you dont know yet. Idk why you’re reading if you don’t tho but you do you.)

Anyways. Fuck Volo. Adaman is now the one and only guy I will obsess over in this game. K. Thnx. Bye. I’ll take the pretty one who isn’t actively trying to murder me with sinnoh’s belligerent child and doesn’t have this painful god complex complete with garb.

My friendship with Volo is over. Adaman is my new best friend. Brb. Gonna go push that man off the mountain once i get back up there.

*blow the azure flute when you find all the pokemon* All of them.... Can I use god to kill Volo? It’s all I ask.

A sheer difference between the two from while we were searching for plates: Volo: oh cool, yeah. I’m here to ‘help’. Totally not stealing artifacts from ruins and getting a charcoal imprint of every plate you pick up to contact sinnoh’s outcast child to kill you. Why would you think that? Adaman: *no thoughts, head empty. Must. Get. To. Next. Task. Now.* We don’t have time for that. BUT FUCKING SWEET PHONE... what’s a phone? I mean. One actively helped and the other was just There to see what happened. So.

[1zashreena1]

Quarantine- New Ranch Flavor! -5

18+, m/f, technically OCxDiego Jimenez [Power]

Summary: Princess is stranded in NYC with her Murder Panther for the duration of the quarantine. As a high risk patient she has no choice but to isolate as much as possible. Simulated domesticity ensues. Princess texts a running commentary to her bff Lisa.

WARNINGS: Ridiculous descriptions and ‘the code is more like guidelines’ outlook on grammar. Is it OOC if the character was given essentially zero development in canon???

No actual smut, nasty ass snack foods, plus size insecurity, unprotected sex, feels are icky, plus size woman+fit man, bad boys with too much money and not enough impulse control, secondary OCs, excessive swearing (???), illegal business dealings… I mean, its DIEGO

A/N: Princess took on a life of her own and has essentially become an OC. There are infrequent mentions of her description (specifically as plus size) and her actual name in later pieces (its Bicki). She started as self-insert so she looks like me (plus size, white, short, blue eyes, curly hair). If that is not your thing, I totally understand. And do not feel obligated to read this, I will not be offended!

I’m not a fan of “plot” so be aware that most of this series is just meandering through their relationship, angst-fluff-smut whiplash style. But with dick jokes.

TAGLIST: @chelsfic​ @symbiont13​ @nicke0115​ @bunnykjm​ @rosee-sensuelle​ @girlpornparadise​ @mandoplease​ @heresathreebee​ @xxsteph-enrixx​ @jetiikad​ @joalsglasses​ @mutantcookiesecrets​ @demoncatstone​ @squidlywiddly87​

Please let me know if you would like to be tagged.

~~~

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Thursday 11:22am

From Princess

Day 1 and I literally have an ice pack on my pussy and

Hold on he’s not wearing pants again gtg

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Friday 9:49am

From Princess

Video chatting with sister when Diego walks past in the background… shirtless.

She put her phone down (my entire screen was just ceiling) and I could hear her crying. Hung up after 10 min

~~~

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Friday 10:14pm

From Princess

He sucks ass at Jenga and its adorable

~~~

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Saturday 11:49am

From Princess

I was provided a to-do list for the day.

It's just his name

~~~

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Sunday 1:32pm

From Princess

We have sorted every liquid in the penthouse into 2 categories:

Potential Lube

Definitely Not Lube

Except we’re arguing about ranch dressing

~~~

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Sunday 2:17pm

From Princess

Update: Ranch went into the Not Lube category because it “smells nasty when it gets warm” This fact was previously unknown to me and I was afraid to ask for more details

~~~

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Monday 8:40am

From Princess

Morning announcements include the fact that 8:37 is the earliest he has ever gotten up

I’m worried about losing my job. Diego advises me to apply to Dyson because I “never lose suction”

Am I offended or proud of myself?  It’s not even 9am

~~~

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Tuesday 1:12am

From Princess

This is the most weed I have ever consumed in my life (I know, not a high bar) Why is he hanging upside down off the couch making motorboat noises??

~~~

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Tuesday 1:14am

From Princess

Ahh. He was composing a poem about my tits

~~~

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Tuesday 2:49am

From Princess

The railing up the stairs to the bedroom does not in fact support my weight. Pole dance competition is OFF

~~~

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Tuesday 2:57am

From Princess

You know that thing you do with my bras? Where you put it on like a headband and it makes mickey mouse ears?

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Wednesday 11:17am

From Princess

Julio required to give 10 min warning prior to arrival so Diego can take off his pants

Yes you read that right

Freak

~~~

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Wednesday 11:19am

From Princess

Yes you do so know who Julio is. Big, round, only wears ivory/eggshell/off white/ThisIsMy 2ndWedding  colored blazers. Jeez Lisa you're not old enough for dementia yet girl

~~~

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Wednesday 12:52pm

From Princess

I have played myself. Just ate an entire cheesesteak while being a cockwarmer

Turns out I’m the freak

Julio present and accounted for

~~~

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Thursday 9:37am

From Princess

He’s crunching  a bowl of something via spoon. I ask what it is. Crushed cheez-its and mayonnaise. What in the actual fuck this man is a literal monster

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Thursday 12:10pm

From Princess

Edible body paint works on windows. Had to sit on his shoulders but this is the largest ‘FUCK’ I have ever written. Very proud

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Thursday 12:22pm

From Princess

Bottom half of the ‘C’ has transferred onto my ass. But 7 orgasms. Pick your battles

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Thursday 11:47pm

From Princess

Tried a pickled habanero. He’s still face down in the rug crying with laughter. It’s been 10 min dude come on

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Friday 10:12am

From Princess

Me: Why are you so heavy?

Diego: I keep eating you

Me: High five

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Friday 3:17pm

From Princess

He’s trying to “conduct business” via 3 cellphones. Would offer my tablet but I’m too pretty for prison. Gonna take a nap

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Friday 4:41pm

From Princess

Pants are forbidden in the bedroom. We’re just making the rules up as we go I see

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Saturday 9:59am

From Princess

He’s sitting in the corner of the window walls staring dejectedly outside. I hear the tiniest forlorn whisper “THOSE people are outside”

Too cute--must blow---BRB

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Saturday 1:32pm

From Princess

Angry texting. Muttering “No I can’t go outside and no you can’t come in here. Bitch…. No no, delete delete delete”

Me:  Where is your sister anyway? LA?

Him: Very Squinty Eyes

~~~

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Saturday 9:22pm

From Princess

My ass is stuck in the kitchen sink. While he was very helpful getting me in here he is of no assistance getting me out.

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Saturday 11:46pm

From Princess

Apparently ‘douchecanoe twatwaffle jerkface’ is the most hilarious insult he has ever heard. My brilliance is unparalleled

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Sunday 5:51am

From Princess

Me: Hey what’s the worst thing you’ve ever put in your mouth?

Him outrageously offended: I’m not answering that!

Him:  ... you first

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Sunday 7:12pm

From Princess

Is it a legit massage if he has to pause in the middle to jack off?

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Monday 11:06am

From Princess

Ordered groceries via Amazon Prime drone delivery. Sitting on the rooftop patio wrapped up together in a ginormous blankie waiting.

Does this count as a date?

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Monday 1:13pm

From Princess

Drone arrived. I lost my shit. Coolest thing ever. He’s frantically ordering more stuff because I haven’t looked this ecstatic since the time he rubbed my feet then went down on me for 2 hrs

Hold up change of plans

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Monday 2:28pm

From Princess

stubble burn on bottom of feet :-/

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Monday 6:44pm

From Princess

We can both fit in the jacuzzi tub. Almost drowned when his phone rang and we both spazzed out

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Tuesday 10:10am

From Princess

Today’s formal edict: He will only be referring to himself in the 3rd person. I am required to do as told. Should not be this turned on

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Tuesday 11:58am

From Princess

Watching him try to answer calls like this is a level of hilarity I could not have predicted

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Tuesday 1:53pm

From Princess

He gave me a crash course in chem. Still don’t know anything but it was hot as hell

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Tuesday 2:57pm

From Princess

Despite all evidence to the contrary I’m a Good Girl. Did as I was told. Got rewarded. 13 times

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Tuesday 5:33pm

From Princess

Unlocked a tiny piece of tragic backstory*™: He’s never been to a zoo   :-(

~~~

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Wednesday 11:24am

From Princess

Julio and Bastian brought 4 pizzas. Currently eating them individually sitting in a giant square in the living room SOCIAL DISTANCING

Like he wasn’t inside me 10 min ago wtf

~~~

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Wednesday 11:25am

From Princess

Yes cute driver Bastian. Btw you are barking up the wrong tree girl. His favorite animal is bears lol

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Wednesday 12:39pm

From Princess

Garlic butter: lube or no? Round table discussion happening.

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Wednesday 1:19pm

From Princess

I won in favor of No

Me: slams hands down on table

Me: HAVE YOU EVER HAD A YEAST INFECTION???

All men present:   :-[

                             :-[

                             :-[

~~~

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Wednesday 1:32pm

From Princess

Diego: puts garlic butter cup in the empty box and slides the whole mess off table to the floor without breaking eye contact. My sugar daddy is truly a murder panther

~~~

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Wednesday 3:49pm

From Princess

Flipping channels (he only has 5000) when he comes downstairs from the bedroom wearing Ginormous Blankie as cape.

Him: Can we do the thing again?

Me: Gotta be way more specific babe

Him: Flaps blankie like wings and gives me puppy dog eyes

Him: You know. Thing. On the roof. ...please?

Did

Did he just ask me to cuddle???

~~~

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Wednesday 5:58pm

From Princess

Can confirm roof cuddles.  He fell asleep with his face mashed into my neck-shoulder after watching sunset. Every time I move he whimpers and squeezes tighter. I don't know what is happening but it kinda hurts in my chest

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Wednesday 9:12pm

From Princess

Me: You know those girls you send away when I come up? There's one that sorta begrudgingly likes me?

Him, stuffing a 2nd Oreo into his mouth(there's already a whole 1 in there)

Him: Frahnthessga?

Me: Yeah! Can I fuck her?

….I should worry about my job again pretty sure Murder Panther Sugar Daddy is dead

~~~

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Wednesday 10:48pm

From Princess

We splintered the plexiglass-divider-shower-wall thingy. His solution was to just hold all 215lbs of me up in the air and finish. I have no words

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Thursday 4:12am

From Princess

I can hear him on the phone downstairs listing names. I don't know these people. I'm going in the bathroom to run water so I can't hear anything else

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Thursday 9:02am

From Princess

I slept thru a breakfast meeting. There's a laptop  and a box of 1 doz Boston cream donuts labeled PRINCESS on the bar counter. He's watching news with Julio + Bastian on the couch. Odd but ok I got fave donuts so whatevs

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Thursday 9:17am

From Princess

On 3rd donut when I catch him staring. Can only see from eyes up bc he's peering at me over back of the couch. Have inadvertently activated Horny Murder Panther mode via accidental slutty licking of cream filling. 

~~~

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Thursday 11:40am

From Princess

Me: I don't like avocado

Diego: bitch what the fuck 

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Thursday 12:10pm

From Princess

He asked what the deal was with white people and meatloaf. I requested clarification on food or music. He's confused it's fucking adorable

BUT NOW I HAVE TO EXPLAIN THE ENTIRE GENRE OF CLASSIC ROCK

~~~

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Thursday 2:14pm

From Princess

I'm making a meatloaf for dinner. Also brownies. TV is still on???

~~~

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Thursday 4:24pm

From Princess

Found a big round can of guava paste in the back of the fridge. He's spoon feeding it to me while watching me make meatloaf

Diego: I did not realize you were so… domesticated

Me, no brain to mouth filter: Yeah well gettin dicked down 3x a day will do that to a girl

Please send hitman asap 

~~~

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Thursday 5:10pm

From Princess

He just turned TV off. Local news was listing all major crimes in NYC today. Last story was 6 bodies found inside meat plant freezer, execution style kills with "on-site" equipment. When I whisper Dafuq??  he distractedly mutters 'captive bolt pistol'  

He's texting again

~~~

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Thursday 5:39pm

From Princess

I kinda wanna come home now

~~~

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Thursday 7:48pm

From Princess

I have converted another person to meatloaf lover (food not music)

On 3rd brownie when he declares: I am never letting you leave again. Mine now

Look up from rolling my eyes to receive Super Intense I Can See Into Your Soul Diego Stare

~~~

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Thursday 9:50pm

From Princess

He's looking for a scary movie via voice command on remote. Other hand is on my foot. I can't even see my foot. What is the actual purpose of hands that big?? What is the evolutionary goal to this endgame? ?? Why am I wet just thinking about a    h a n d    ?????

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Friday 12:34am

From Princess

Con: This asshole is delighted to learn that I don't like scary movies

Pro: Hiding my face in his chest means I fucking feel the rumble when he laughs at me. I think I'm developing a heart condition. Hurts again.

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Friday 1:40am

From Princess

He's rubbing his face all over my stomach. I don't like this. Sir why. Please it's literally the least attractive part of me

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Friday 2:11am

From Princess

He likes it…? I don't see. How does. But it's.

No

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Friday 3:47am

From Princess

He's asleep on my stomach after spending 40 min declaring his love for belly

I'm crying and I can't stop. My whole chest hurts. What is this. Is this the most long game prank ever. There's no way he's for real. I'm afraid. Do you think I should try to escape?? Please you know I'm not easily frightened but I just. Please text back I need my BFF

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Friday 7:18am

From Princess

Woke up in bed alone and naked. Gonna grab a shirt and handle this. I can't just ignore it. This is probably a bad idea but I can't just let it go. If you don't hear back from me by noon call my parents. I love you

~~~

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Friday 11:38am

From Princess

Halfway down the stairs 3 dudes I don't know come out of the office, Diego and Julio follow. They take 1 look at me and launch into laughter and some rude fucking spanish. I'm rusty but I know fucking "fat bitch" tyvm. Diego picks this mf up by the throat and throws him into the elevator. Drags the other 2 in and... no one has come back since

Been locked in the bathroom. I'm afraid to hear anything

~~~

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Friday 1:48pm

From Princess

Relocated to closet earlier. Reading. I'm 2 chapters in and I don't even remember the title. Gonna take an ativan. Hands are shaking

~~~

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Friday 2:27pm

From Princess

You know what? I don't even care. Like as long as it's never directed at me I just don't care.

It's too late I'm in too deep. I don't know if I can even come home after this. I'm not who everyone thinks I am. I don't know who I am. I'm turning the phone off now I'm sorry but I just need everything to stop for a while

~~~

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Friday 7:48pm

From Princess

I'm ok, sorry for the dramatics. Woke up still in the closet corner but under Ginormous Blankie and can hear shower running. Decide it's time to put my big girl panties on and march in there. No I did not learn from the last time. Standby

~~~

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Friday 9:22pm

From Princess

We're good.

~~~

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Friday 11:49pm

From Princess

Ok. Marched into bathroom, launched into speech: I'm sorry but I did not know anyone was here. You have to leave me a note or something. Please tell me I did not ruin anything

Him, still in shower: Get your ass in here.

It was a literal growl

~~~

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Friday 11:50pm

From Princess

Apparently that guy had been fucking up small time and Diego was waiting for him to fuck up big time. I will never see all 3 of them again (No do not ask)Yes it was frustrating but not mad at me. Ok a little because his sister hired that guy and now he has to explain the dude's ...disappearance. Without mentioning me. No one can know about me I am a "liability"

Um ouch..? I think?? Chest pain again

~~~

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Friday 11:51pm

From Princess

He's been asleep, I'm just staring at the ceiling. Demanded I let him prove that he would never put hands on me that I don't want. I thought he was gonna cry. I did start crying but said yes. Not gentle per se, but definitely ...emotional? Like soft sex. Slow soft sex but with emotions?? I'm lost

~~~

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Friday 11:54pm

From Princess

Please tell me no. Talk me out of this. Tell me I'm fucknuts and I need to just come home and be reasonable and sensible. You know when you stand at a ledge and a little voice tells you Just jump. Do it. Go

Do I want all in? Can I do this? I should not do this. I should not care about him. Especially like this. I just. When I'm not here this is all I think about. No one else makes me feel this way

~~~

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Friday 11:56pm

From Princess

I'm hysterical right? This will go away if I just sleep. I can't stop looking at him. Touching his face, hair. Ever since the Kitchen Blowup (after the first fight??is it a fight if you're not technically in a relationship?) he's been different. Careful?? Like he really listened to me and heard. I can see him trying. Like reining in his knee jerk reactions and stopping to think before he says stuff to me. What am I supposed to do?

~~~

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Friday 11:59pm

From Princess

I want to trust him. I want to be spoiled and fucked senseless and all the giggles and private planes and shopping sprees and sleeping in til noon. But what about the other side? Constantly looking over my shoulder? Worrying that he might not come home from whatever the fuck he's out doing? The other actual supermodel hot women??? I'm not naive.

~~~

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Saturday 12:10am

From Princess

I just need to turn this off. Shut it down. Cut off emotions and just fuck. I can't do this and I can't have him for keeps. So it's time to be realistic. After this shitty quarantine ends I'll take whatever cash he wants to give me and go home. I can move if I have to. It's not hard to change your name these days. This whole nightmare will be the hilarious rumors in my future nursing home

~~~

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Saturday 4:44am

From Princess

Got up at like 350 for the bathroom. When I crawled back into bed he yanked me backwards to be smashed into/under him. Buried face into my hair and ordered:

Stop

Leaving

~~~

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Saturday 9:10am

From Princess

Woke up alone. Gathered shirt. Did surveillance from top of stairs. Music blasting. Bastian and Diego are working out. I had to sit down for a while

~~~

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Saturday 9:40am

From Princess

Finally made it down the stairs. Eating donuts while watching live action porn

~~~

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Saturday 10:27am

From Princess

Show's over. Diego announces he is going to shower with a wink. I am staying on this barstool with my donuts. I am determined

~~~

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Saturday 10:38am

From Princess

Sharing donuts with Bastian. He is staring at me

Me: ...wut?

Bastian: You know I haven't driven Franchesca anywhere in 4 months

I don't know how long I've been sitting here staring at this half eaten donut but Bastian is gone

Shower still running

~~~

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Saturday 1:36pm

From Princess

Slut level 7: Shower blowjob

Realized I have to wash my hair now. He demands to do it??

Diego: How much fucking conditioner is this going to take?

Me drooling blissfully: Uhhh... please not that word right now

...I literally heard Horny Murder Panther transition happen.

He did not touch anything but my head. Came via voice command. How the fuck

~~~

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Saturday 1:39pm

From Princess

Then it was Round 2 still dripping wet in the bed. No idea how he recovered that fast not looking gift horse in the mouth.  Haha   Horse

Also slow soft again? Does this mean something?? I feel like I'm missing some key piece of info. Never had a dude like kiss all over my face and stroke my hair. What is this gentle?? Don't like the whole looking into my eyes thing

~~~

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Saturday 3:02pm

From Princess

Received an assignment. Was trying to budget for next month (on my new laptop! Whole Microsoft office package!! SPREADSHEETS!!!)

Instructed to help fix what I fucked up…?

It's resumes. He wants me to look at resumes.   Um

~~~

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Saturday 4:12pm

From Princess

We traded laptops. I picked 3 resumes for 'warehouse labor'  This is fucking surreal

Got my laptop back and… all the internet tabs were closed?? I was paying all my bills dude wtf. His phone rings but before he walks off tells me the title will be mailed to me. ?????

~~~

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Saturday 4:47pm

From Princess

He's still in the office on the phone. I'm in the closet in shock. He paid my loans. He paid my Loans. He Paid My Fucking Loans OFF

CAR

STUDENT LOANS

$$$$$   30,000  $$$$$

THIRTY GRAND

~~~

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Saturday 4:52pm

From Princess

No you can't have him if I don't want him!! Fuck you

~~~

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Saturday 5:32pm

From Princess

Bastian came back, left a big box on the counter, said "This is for you honey" and left again. Diego still in the office.

...should I open it or wait for him to come out??

~~~

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Saturday 5:36pm

From Princess

Fuck it. I'm opening this shit

~~~

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Saturday 5:42pm

From Princess

It's a very large Brahmin bag.

Holy fuck its gorgeous 

~~~

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Saturday 5:47pm

From Princess

You know what? You Know What?

IT'S KITCHEN BLOWUP 2.0 TIME

~~

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Sunday 8:42am

From Princess

I think we're ok? I actually uh, accidentally recorded um… everything-ish. And I might send it to you later. But right now things are kinda wobbly and I just wanna enjoy everything while I can. I'll check back in later. We're going to bed now

~~

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Sunday 1:58pm

From Princess

Woke up to 1 gigantic hand stroking down my back. 2nd hand stuffed up my pussy to the knuckle. Villain voice directly into left ear. Memory hazy after that

~~

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Sunday 3:01pm

From Princess

Do Oreos in bed at 3pm count as breakfast? My hips hurt

~~

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Sunday 6:40pm

From Princess

Ok we all know I'm very much A Freak. Trysexual if you will. Only way to know you don't like it is to try it right? So anal. Never really worked. Great in theory really unpleasant in practice.

Turns out others were trying to insert the wrong appendage. Related: I fucking love beards

e v e r y w h e r e

~~

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Sunday 10:40pm

From Princess

Yes I know you wanna know about KITCHEN BLOWUP 2.0, someday I'll tell you about v.1. It's complicated. There are feels. I can't take the vague, wishy washy, up in the air status. So it went kinda like this

Me: You want to "keep" me? Wtf does that even mean?? And how, via purchasing me??? Don't get me wrong, I like being spoiled. I'm not an idiot. But you don't even know me

He looked like I stabbed him. It was horrible

~~

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Sunday 10:42pm

From Princess

So I laid it all out: I lived in my car for a while in my 20s. Escaped an abusive ex after 8 yrs. Survived cancer at 26. Did 2 rounds of trade school just to be scraping by at like $15 an hour. That you just paid off like it was nothing. You try to protect me from you and your life. But you have no idea what I've already survived.

So here's the deal: You wanna keep me?? Then I get to keep you.

But it's everything. If I can't have everything then I don't want anything. And if it can't be ONLY me then I gotta go. I'm not a back up plan or a convenience.

~~

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Sunday 10:50pm

From Princess

At this point I'm scream-crying, gesticulating like I'm hysterical. He's collapsed on the floor at my feet looking like I just killed his dog. Only makes me worse. I'm demanding an answer right fucking now. This is a disaster.

~~

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Sunday 10:54pm

From Princess

He starts yelling about how he can't keep me if I'm dead. This isn't a fucking game and I'm just like Do I look like I'm playing right now?!?

Lisa, he was crying. Just kept repeating "She's right. She's fucking right. That bitch is right."

Head in his hands sobbing.

I couldn't. 

~~

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Sunday 10:59pm

From Princess

So I got down on my knees in front of him and reached for his hands. Just like the first blowup. I was terrified because he's obviously not in control and like I don't know the things he does but I Know. And the PTSD from ex… but I finally got him to look at me and asked him to just Tell Me.

And he did.

~~~

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Monday 12:04am

From Princess

If you had told me that night in the club that any of this would happen. That this man was capable of everything these past 10 months have brought. I would've taken you to the hospital myself.

He collapsed on me and was just begging me "Don't go don't go. Please stay. Stay just for now. Please. No one else no one."  I have a lot to consider. Probably gonna be quiet for a few days. I'll text you when things calm down. He's asleep on my chest right now

~~~

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Monday 12:10am

From Princess

I mean 10 months...how many weekends have I been up here? 12? 16? And only twice did I reach out first and ask. I have stuff here. You saw the closet section. Every time I arrive there's coke and ketchup in the fridge. My face wash and toothbrush and a huge bottle of gel in the bathroom. Last time here he gave me the safe combo???

~~~

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Monday 12:14am

From Princess

YES THE SODA JFC

I mean, I've never seen ...other… in the fridge. I don't think it needs to be refrigerated???

I Don't Know Okay

~~~

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Monday 6:40am

From Princess

Woke up around 5 and he was just staring at me from like 2 inches away. He left once he realized I was awake. I didn't follow. He still hasn't come back to bed yet. Should I go find him?

~~~

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Monday 11:38am

From Princess

Found him on the couch. Coffee table covered in vast array of firearms. Did not realize there were so many in this penthouse. Little uncomfortable. But I'm a fast learner with good mechanical skills so now I can do gun stuff. Please don't ask me about it

~~~

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Monday 11:41am

From Princess

Ok yesss. We had the stupid movie cliche moment of big tough guy stands behind damsel to teach some physical skill. Gawd.

...yeah doing it feels better than watching. You happy now???

~~~

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Monday 2:28pm

From Princess

Mood swing. He declared vengeance on behalf of his closet. I have worn too many shirts. This cannot continue. ????? Stay tuned

~~~

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Monday 2:59pm

From Princess

This man runs the largest distribution enterprise in the western hemisphere.

Currently stuck in one of my $6 tank tops from Target. 

~~~

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Monday 4:17pm

From Princess

I'm out a tank top. And a thong. Go ahead and just think about that

...But I'm still wearing one of his shirts :-D

~~~

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Monday 5:48pm

From Princess

Instead of admitting defeat he decided to forcibly remove the shirt from me. Since I have to be difficult, I ran. If this place wasn't soundproof there would be so many police here.

What level of fucked up is it to enjoy screaming No!, while struggling, not less than 3 sec prior to orgasm??

~~~

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Monday 5:52pm

From Princess

The scale only goes to 10. You don't gotta be a bitch. Damn

~~~

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Monday 8:17pm

From Princess

14 days will be up this Thursday. But they're talking about extending it, really bad here. I'm scared. Gonna try a drink, maybe ativan because I'm starting to freak out.

~~~

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Monday 9:57pm

From Princess

Watching the news and I just sorta came unglued.  Diego not really a soft/gentle guy (obvs) but once I got thru a blubber-cry explanation of immuno-compromised and cancer treatment I got full lap cuddles. I want this every time I'm upset. Warm and solid and big hands and soft nuzzles and scratchy velvet cheek kisses. Feel so tiny and safe

~~~

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Monday 11:40pm

From Princess

Think I'm fukced up. Everything feels good. Petting all the things

~~~

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Monday 11:44pm

From Princess

I'm fiiiiine. One drink. Once ativan. Thats it

~~~

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Monday 11:49pm

From Princess

Omgod ill be fine it's good donot call me

~~~

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Monday 11:55pm

From Princess

What are fiddlesticks? Like the worrd not a instrument accessory?why do we say that

~~~

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Tuesday 7:42am

From Princess

Holy shit I slept so good. I looked back thru the texts. Wtf was I doing?? I don't remember any of this

~~~

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Tuesday 8:32am

From Princess

He's giving me that all teeth smile. I'm very suspicious. And surprisingly not horny?? Am I dying?

~~~

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Tuesday 9:46am

From Princess

Have been informed that I was very adorable last night. I'm afraid to learn his definition of adorable

~~~

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Tuesday 10:12am

From Princess

Omg he has 3 hours of video

~~~

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Tuesday 11:17am

From Princess

I spent 45 min yelling about Pluto planet status being revoked and the kilogram definition being forever altered. He was very invested in the 2nd part. Legit academic discussion

~~~

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Tuesday 11:49am

From Princess

Next part: I decided to make a fried egg sandwich. He started recording like a cooking show. I almost lit my hair on fire.

~~~

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Tuesday 11:57am

From Princess

Oh I see where everything went wrong. I had 1 drink and 1 ativan. Then I finished his drink. Then I drank his replacement. Why tf did he let me do that??

"You were so cute! How could I say no to this face, bonita?"

...I will remember that

~~~

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Tuesday 12:13pm

From Princess

Apparently we exchanged playlists. This is not good

~~~

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Tuesday 12:28pm

From Princess

Omg I revealed the Murder Panther Sugar Daddy title. Oh fuck. Shit shit shit

~~~

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Tuesday 12:42pm

From Princess

I spent 40 min petting him all over while listing everything I liked and why. He is going to be insufferable for forever after this

~~~

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Tuesday 1:22pm

From Princess

Lisa. Lisa. Holy shit. He said we made a porno. I laughed. He fucking narrated an opening to it. I am dying  I am going to die   I am dead

Him, offscreen: Diego and Bicki make a Porno!

Me, onscreen, twerking on the bed in lace bra

Me: eeeeeeeeeeeeeee ASS AND TITTIES!!!

Diego pops into shot, giggling: Pretty Princess Pussy!!

The whole thing just dissolved into shaky blur and us laughing hysterically

~~~

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Tuesday 1:24pm

From Princess

No I'm not sharing it. What is wrONG WITH YOU??????

~~~

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Tuesday 3:44pm

From Princess

It… did not go the way I thought it would. And apparently he had not watched it either because we were both surprised.

That. Was not sex. Seeing the soft slow with emotions from the outside was pretty damning.

That was lovemaking

~~~

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Tuesday 6:32pm

From Princess

I'm locked in the bathroom. Everything is fucked.

I just… I just hid my face and said "I want to go home." Like a fucking coward hiding behind my hair, I took off upstairs and now I'm here. It's been a long time. I'm still alone

~~~

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Tuesday 6:39pm

From Princess

No shit Sherlock, I know I have intimacy issues.

Men don't love me. Sure I'm fun to fuck for a while. But they don't take a poor fat girl home. Come on, you've seen it firsthand. Clearly, since here I still am by myself

~~~

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Tuesday 6:42pm

From Princess

I don't know what I was thinking. I don't belong here. Guess I'll just ride out the last 2 days then come home

~~~

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Tuesday 6:45pm

From Princess

I think Julio is here. I can hear their voices but can't make out the words

Oh no his sister is here. They're yelling in Spanish, I can't catch any of it

~~~

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Tuesday 10:14pm

From Princess

They screamed for a while, then she finally left. Been silent ever since. I don't know if he's still here

~~~

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Tuesday 10:40pm

From Princess

He's definitely still here. There's a tantrum going on

~~~

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Wednesday 12:32am

From Princess

Fell asleep in the closet corner again. Except when I woke up he was wedged in there with me

Me: … um

Diego: I think I see why you do this

Then he went to sleep on me

~~~

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Wednesday 5:48am

From Princess

Have been talking since 3. Still in the closet.

~~~

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Wednesday 7:10am

From Princess

I'm coming home when this is over. I need some time and space to think. 

~~~

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Wednesday 7:12am

From Princess

Is that even the right term? Do you 'break up' with a sugar daddy???? 

~~~

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Wednesday 7:13am

From Princess

NO I WANT TO KEEP HIM

BITCH I WILL STAB YOU

~~~

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Wednesday 7:16am

From Princess

Gonna shower and go to bed. You mention that last text and I literally will stab you. BFF or not

~~~

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Wednesday 4:40pm

From Princess

Just listened to an hour of descriptions of Mexico.

I am… tempted

~~~

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Wednesday 6:54pm

From Princess

I'm flying home Friday, they just lifted the travel ban here.

~~~

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Wednesday 6:59pm

From Princess

No, no one is happy here. We're both clingy disasters today

~~~

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Wednesday 7:17pm

From Princess

Went downstairs. It's a war zone. We came back upstairs 

~~~

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Thursday 6:19am

From Princess

Couldn't sleep so I'm packing. Diego is watching me from the bed with the biggest, saddest puppy dog eyes in existence.

Effect kinda ruined because I can see his bare ass

~~~

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Thursday 6:22am

From Princess

Why would you ask me that? You know he's an exhibitionist 

~~~

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Thursday 6:23am

From Princess

I can't decide if you're the Best or the Worst BFF ever. Gawd

~~~

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Thursday 6:25am

From Princess

...IMAGE LOADING…

~~~

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Thursday 6:27am

From Princess

Yeah. You see my dilemma now???

~~~

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Thursday 6:28am

From Princess

Yes I bite it! What is wrong with you today???

~~~

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Thursday 6:43pm

From Princess

He spent entire day attached to me. I..??? What do I do with a clingy cartel boss drug lord?? Its too much

~~~

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Friday 8:52am

From Princess

I'm on the plane. He rode here with me. Looked so… broken. Feel like a monster. But I'm scared

~~~

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Friday 1:45pm

From Princess

Lisa. LISA. LISA.

I'm home but but he. Omg

~~~

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Friday 2:38pm

From Princess

There's a tiny stuffed panther in my bag with a note:  I just want to be with you

My very own Tiny Murder Panther 

[hopeisour4letteredword]

innocent bones ch2

Summary: Apollo gets a wake-up call in a few ways. It’s okay, though--he’s got best-friend backup.

Link to AO3 in the notes.

“Goood morning, sunshine!”

“Blrgh,” Apollo says, more to his pillow than Clay. He rolls over and pulls the blankets over his head.

“Oh, are we grouchy this morning? I can drink both of these by myself if you wanna be left alone.”

Apollo peeks out from the covers warily. Clay dangles an iced drink in a plastic café cup tantalizingly over the bed. The morning is already hot, and only promises to get hotter; Apollo knows by the time he has proper clothes on, he’ll want something cold and sweet. He sighs and kicks the sheets aside, stretching.

“Why are you in my apartment?”

“Why were you sleeping with one sock on?”

Apollo looks down. Sure enough, he still has on the sock he’d yanked on at three in the morning. “...Fuck me.”

“Well, since you asked so nicely,” Clay says, batting his eyelashes, then cackles as Apollo swings a pillow at him and chases him around the room. When they reach the kitchenette, Clay successfully diverts his attention to a small paper bag of baked goods. Apollo allows him to exchange the pillow for a chocolate croissant. “To answer your question, I’m here to chill with my best friend on my day off, like we’ve been planning for, oh, the last three weeks?”

Shit. That’s right. Apollo scrubs the crust of sleep from his eyes, shoulders slumping. “Sorry. I remember now.”

Clay smiles easily and slides him the drink. Apollo sips. Peachy oolong tea with lemonade. “No harm, no foul. Seriously, though. Why the sock?”

“I had the most surreal fucking night,” Apollo says, and tells him about it. Clay starts laughing uproariously as soon as he mentions the teeth. He doesn’t stop until Apollo concludes with Prosecutor Debeste’s intervention.

“Oh, man,” Clay chuckles, wiping at the corners of his eyes. “How does this shit happen to you?”

“If I knew, don’t you think I would try to stop it?”

“I don’t know, would you?” Clay smirks maddeningly and bites into his muffin. Through a mouthful of crumbs, he drawls, “I’m sure you suffered so much with a handsome man vying for your attention.”

“Don’t talk with your mouth full, you disgusting goblin.”

“Ach, Herr Forehead,” Clay says, in the worst fake German accent Apollo has ever heard. “When I’m sad and lonely, you’re the first one I think of to cheer me up. Oh, how I wish you were here with me—“

Apollo seizes the pillow again. Clay rushes to get a grip on it before he can take a swing. They struggle for control until they both tip out of their chairs and go crashing to the hard, unforgiving linoleum floor in a heap.

“Ow,” Clay says. “Huh. I’ve had more exciting tumbles.”

“And Mr. Starbuck trusts you to pilot a rocket with him,” Apollo scoffs, feeling a bit ow himself.

“Please, I’m much nicer to Mr. Starbuck than I am to you, I don’t have to worry about fighting with him.”

They attempt to sit up. Clay somehow maneuvers their tangled limbs apart without injury to either of them. Apollo moves to stand, but Clay slings his legs across Apollo’s own before he can go anywhere.

“Hey,” Clay says, low and serious. “For real. You okay? You didn’t have any new nightmares because of all that, did you?”

Apollo winces. “...No.”

“What was that face for?”

“Nothing.”

“You’re an awful liar and you know it.” Clay frowns, concern creasing his brow. “You can tell me anything. You know that, right? You don’t have to, if you don’t want to. But I’m here for you, dude.”

“I know, space cadet. Calm down.”

“Alright, alright.”

Clay moves his legs out of the way. It’s Apollo’s turn to interrupt him before he can rise by dropping his head onto Clay’s shoulder.

“Worse than a nightmare,” he mutters.

“What? What’s worse than a nightma—oh, my God,” Clay gasps. “You had a sex dream?!”

“WH—NO!”

“MY BABY BOY IS GROWING UP!”

“I DID NOT HAVE A SEX DREAM!”

Apollo tries to smack him. Clay catches his hand and wrestles him into a headlock.

“The most important thing to remember is that this is a normal part of puberty,” Clay says, solemnly, even as Apollo shrieks with dismay. “Every growing boy—“

“I WILL KICK YOUR ASS.”

“Like you could? Alright, sunshine, let’s hear it. What’s worse than a nightmare, aside from a sex dream?”

“I don’t want to tell you anymore,” Apollo says, sulkily, voice muffled by Clay’s arm.

“Come on, don’t be like that.” Clay pats his head with his free hand. Apollo grumbles some more. “Is it really that embarrassing?”

“Yes.”

“Oh, then it’s about feelings.”

“Wh—how did you—I mean, what makes you think that?!” Real smooth, Justice. Apollo can feel the hot flush of mortification on his face.

“Honestly, dumbass, how long have we been friends? You think I don’t know how your brain works as well as you know mine?”

“That doesn’t mean I have to like it.”

“Yeah, you’re busy saving all your affection for Klav—ow! Don’t hit me!”

“Shut up! God.”

“You know you get to have a crush, right? That’s normal and okay.”

“I don’t want to have a crush,” Apollo moans, hopelessly. Clay finally releases him from the headlock so he takes the opportunity to bury his face in his hands. He hates catching feelings. He always blows it somehow. It doesn’t help that they never have these conversations anywhere less weird than the kitchen floor. “He’s my colleague. I need to be professional. Our working relationship is too important for me to fuck this up.”

“He got lonely while he was high on painkillers and called you at three AM and you’re still going on about professionalism?”

“It sounds stupid when you say it like that.”

“That’s because it is stupid.”

“Your face is stupid.”

“I’m serious, man. Like, if you wanted concrete evidence that he considers you a friend outside of your working relationship, it just got handed to you on a silver platter. There’s no way you’re the first friend he’s ever had that’s been a little into him.”

“...I guess that’s true.”

“Who knows? Maybe he’s a little into you too.”

Apollo gives him an incredulous look.

“It wouldn’t be the weirdest thing to happen to you in the last year, that’s all I’m saying! And he has an awful lot of nice things to say about you for a courtroom rival.”

“We’re not rivals,” Apollo says, mostly on automatic. Clay ruffles his hair as they clamber to their feet.

“Sure, sure. Hey, speaking of things he has to say, has he said anything to you this morning?”

“How should I know? Somebody bullied me out of bed and I left my phone behind.”

“I’ll go get it, you eat breakfast.”

Apollo finishes his croissant. After a moment, Clay tosses his phone at him.

“Do I really have to check it right now?”

“If you’re gonna be such a big baby about it, I can check it for you.”

“Ugh. No, fine, I’ll look.”

Klavier Gavin, 9:04am

hey, i just wanted to apologize for last night. i hope i didn’t scare you too badly. i remember you saying i owed you one, so let me know if you come up with a way i can apologize.

Apollo lets out the breath he hadn’t realized he was holding. Clay makes a questioning sound and a grabby hand gesture. Apollo passes his phone over, obligingly, and steals a chunk of Clay’s muffin while he reads it for himself.

“Totally normal,” Clay says. “See? It’s fine. You’re fine.”

“I’m fine,” Apollo echoes. He takes his phone back and sips absentmindedly at his iced tea as he types.

Apollo Justice, 10:38am

I’m going to change your contact name to “Teeth Theft Victim.”

How’s your mouth this morning?

Klavier Gavin, 10:39am

HF no :(

not the worst. definitely not as bad as it was last night!

i had some painkillers when i got up. mostly just feels a little weird rn

Apollo Justice, 10:41am

That sounds about right.

Klavier Gavin, 10:42am

did you get back to sleep okay?

Apollo Justice, 10:43am

Yeah, I’m fine.

Klavier Gavin, 10:43am

you’re always fine, HF ;P

Apollo Justice, 10:44am

I bet you think you’re clever.

I got plenty of sleep. Don’t worry.

Klavier Gavin, 10:45am

i am sincerely sorry though. seriously, let me know if i can make it up to you somehow

“Do I actually seem angry?” Apollo asks Clay, mystified. Clay peers over his shoulder at the message thread. “He didn’t really do anything wrong, considering his mental state at the time. I’m not trying to be brusque with him.”

“Tell him to take you out for coffee,” Clay says.

“What? Why? Where did that come from?”

Apollo Justice, 10:47am

All you have to do is not call me at 3AM saying ominous things without context again.

I know this is a terribly high bar to meet, but I have faith that you’ll rise to the occasion.

Klavier Gavin, 10:48am

you really thought i was actively dying, didn’t you?

were you actually on your way out the door?

Apollo Justice, 10:49am

I thought you had gotten roofied. Of course I was on my way out the door.

Klavier Gavin, 10:50am

my knight in shining armor ;)

“TELL HIM TO TAKE YOU OUT FOR COFFEE,” Clay yells, aggressively shaking Apollo by the shoulder. Apollo yelps and almost drops his phone.

“He’s always like this! It doesn’t mean anything!”

“I WILL DO IT MYSELF.”

“Do what yourself?! Take him out for coffee?! Fine! I hope you’re very happy together!”

“God, and you mean it, too. You’re hopeless, AJ. No game at all. Give me your phone.”

“NO!”

Apollo Justice, 10:52am

awerrttrtrtFSDFFG

Klavier Gavin, 10:52am

?? HF??

Apollo Justice, 10:53am

BRB

Have tio kickmny friendsd ass

Apollo does not kick Clay’s ass, because Clay has fifty pounds of muscle on him and Apollo hasn’t gotten in a real fight since he was a middle schooler, but he damn well tries. It’s the effort that counts. Maybe. Hopefully.

Apollo Justice, 11:12am

COFFREERE

Klavier Gavin, 11:14am

??????

Apollo Justice, 11:15am

TAKE HIM OUT TO COFFEE

Klavier Gavin, 11:16am

who am i speaking to??

Apollo Justice, 11:17am

DONT QWORRT ABT UT

Klavier Gavin, 11:18am

i’m a little worried about it

is Herr Justice okay??

Apollo Justice, 11:18am

YEA HES FINE

IM BULLYING HIMN

Klavier Gavin, 11:20am

that doesn’t sound very fine

Apollo Justice, 11:21am

I am so fucking sorry.

Klavier Gavin, 11:21am

are you alright?

Apollo Justice, 11:23am

I’m fine.

I’m with a friend right now and he decided to be obnoxious.

Klavier Gavin, 11:24am

by which i suppose you

mean he stole your phone

Klavier Gavin, 11:25am

That and putting me in a headlock.

Klavier Gavin, 11:25am

:(

Apollo Justice, 11:26am

I’m fine, honestly. We roughhouse all the time.

It’s mostly my pride that hurts.

“Bet you ten bucks he offers to kiss it better,” Clay says, slurping obnoxiously at the dregs of his iced tea. As winner’s spoils, he has retained eavesdropping privileges. Textdropping? Wiretapping? Fuck it, Apollo doesn’t know.

“He will not,” Apollo says, through gritted teeth, valiantly attempting to suppress the red-hot surge of embarrassment to his cheeks.

Klavier Gavin, 11:28am

well then, we all know you’ll survive that one :P

Apollo Justice, 11:30am

Ouch. Rub more salt in the wound, why don’t you?

“You owe me ten bucks,” Apollo announces.

“You motherfucker, you didn’t even take the bet!”

“It was implied! You would have made me give you ten dollars.”

Clay grudgingly pulls out his wallet and gives Apollo a five, three ones, and a fistful of change. He hands it over way too fast to have figured out how much the change is worth, but then Clay is actually good at numbers shit, so maybe he did. Anyway, Apollo cares more about the principle of the exchange than receiving exactly ten dollars.

Klavier Gavin, 11:31am

i prefer to think of it as a salve to help you heal faster

Apollo Justice, 11:32am

By making fun of me?

Klavier Gavin, 11:33am

by reminding u that u can pull through these hard times!

Apollo Justice, 11:34am

Sure.

Klavier Gavin, 11:35am

but hey, for real. do you want to go out for coffee sometime?

“YES,” Clay hollers, victoriously. Apollo wants to curl up under the table and die of mortification.

“I can’t believe you. He thinks he has to do this because I got inconvenienced last night. This is stupid, Clay, why would you do this to us?”

“Because,” Clay says, “He flirts with you, constantly, and you’re who he calls at three AM when he’s in pain and he wants to talk to someone to distract him, and you have a crush that can be seen from space. It’s my job as your best friend.”

“It’s really not.”

“Uh-huh. Tell the nice man you’ll go out for coffee with him.”

Apollo Justice, 11:39am

You really don’t have to take me out just because of what happened last night.

Clay was being absurd.

Klavier Gavin, 11:41am

okay, sure, i understand

but do you WANT to?

Apollo Justice, 11:42am

I mean. Yeah.

If you’re sure.

Klavier Gavin, 11:43am

i’m positive :)

Apollo Justice, 11:44am

Then coffee would be cool.

“Cool,” Clay echoes. “God, AJ, you’re a mess. I love you so much. Cool, he says, when the actual rockstar asks him out on a date.”

“You bullied the rockstar into asking me on a date,” Apollo snaps, red-faced.

“I didn’t do a damn thing to him except offer a suggestion. He didn’t get put in a headlock.”

Klavier Gavin, 11:45am

Großartig! i have a meeting tomorrow afternoon, but perhaps tuesday?

Apollo Justice, 11:46am

Tuesday is fine.

What time? Where are we going?

Klavier Gavin, 11:48am

let’s say 3pm? and it’s a surprise ;)

Apollo Justice, 11:49am

I won’t be footing the bill if you drag me out to some weird, fancy upscale tea bar.

Klavier Gavin, 11:50am

nein, don’t be ridiculous. it’s my treat

“Ooh, what a gentleman!”

“Can’t you stop reading over my shoulder and let me set this up in peace now?!”

“No, I just scored you a date and you elbowed me very hard in the stomach earlier. I earned this.”

Apollo Justice, 11:52am

Does that mean it IS a weird, fancy upscale tea bar?

Klavier Gavin, 11:53am

actually it means i haven’t decided yet

Apollo Justice, 11:54am

Ah. Foolish me, then.

How am I supposed to get there if it’s a surprise?

Klavier Gavin, 11:55am

oh, you can just meet me at my office and i’ll drive us there

...unless you’re still afraid of my motorcycle? :P

Apollo Justice, 11:58am

I’m not afraid.

But you better have a second helmet.

Klavier Gavin, 12:00pm

don’t i always, Schatz?

“You go on his motorcycle?” Clay says, outraged and oblivious while Apollo can feel himself going scarlet from the roots of his hair all the way down to his collar. “This is so unfair. You’ll barely get in a car with me, and you’re terrified of motorcycles. How long did it take you to realize you like this guy again?”

Through gritted teeth, Apollo says, “You drive like you’re trying to die young, and Klavier is the only person I know who consistently follows every single traffic law to the letter.”

“Sounds like—“

“Also, we work together, and basically every time I’ve gotten a ride from him has been to or from case-relevant locations.”

“—Like excuses to me. What does Schatz mean, anyway?”

“I don’t know,” Apollo lies. Clay’s eyebrows shoot up to his hairline. He’s not that oblivious, then.

“Uh-huh.”

Apollo Justice, 12:04pm

I guess so.

Klavier Gavin, 12:05pm

so tuesday at 3pm, meeting at my office, then?

Apollo Justice, 12:06pm

Works for me.

I have to go, I’m supposed to be hanging out with Clay today. But I’ll see you Tuesday?

Klavier Gavin, 12:09pm

tuesday it is! i can’t wait to see you ;)

and tell your friend i said danke, ja?

Apollo Justice, 12:11pm

Thanks, he wasn’t already being insufferable enough.

“Oh I’m the fucking best,” Clay says, gleefully. Apollo tries to hide a smile, but it’s pointless. Clay has already thrown an arm around his shoulders to squeeze him in a tight side-hug. “Who is the best friend in the whole wide world who probably just got you laid?”

“Clay.”

“Remember this when I’m done with my mission and I have time to date again, okay? I expect equally enthusiastic wing-manning from you.”

“You have literally never needed me to wingman for you,” Apollo says, with fond exasperation. “Besides, what happened to that alien boyfriend you keep insisting you’ll come back with?”

“Well, maybe he’ll only be my alien work-friend when I come back, and I’ll need my dear friend to help me push past my misconceptions about professionalism to find true love.”

“Good grief,” Apollo says, as the blush that had been steadily dying down on his face flares back to life. “True love? It’s one coffee date. Slow it on down.”

Clay opens his mouth, probably with the intent to say more wild shit about Apollo’s upcoming date (a date! With Klavier! Is Apollo still in a weird exhaustion-induced feelings dream?), so Apollo hurriedly jumps in to say, “So how did you want to spend your day off? Video games? Movies?”

“I want to kick your ass at Smash Bros,” Clay says.

“I think we can arrange that.”

“Almost as easily as we just arranged—“

“Pushing your luck, Terran.”

“I learned that from the very best,” Clay says, nudging Apollo’s shoulder with his own with a fond grin. Apollo can’t help but smile back.

“I guess you did.”

[angelic-holland]

brb // th x fem!reader

Summary: You and Tom had been friends with benefits for a while. They both want something more, but they both don’t know how to use their words.

warnings: a little smut, mostly angst 

2.2k words

You had an arrangement with Tom, when he was in London he was yours and you were his, sexually. You were each other’s booty call essentially. When he was off filming you’d sext or get each other off over FaceTime but if either of you wanted to hook up with someone else it was fine, it’s not like either of you could drop everything and hop on a plane when you were horny. There wasn’t any romance involved, that shit’s too messy when he was never around.

Little did you know that he never hooked up with anyone else, even when he was gone for months he only wanted you. You were the same way, to be honest. You were busy with school, you didn’t have time to find a whole other guy to hook up with when Tom wasn’t around.

You got a text from Tom, telling you that his plane got to the airport early, asking if you wanted to meet him at his place in 30. It was Friday before spring break for you, having no plans you agreed, grabbing a coat before telling your roommate you’d be back later in the evening.

You took your time walking to his place, a little over 2 miles from your apartment. You figured he’d just want a quickie since he’s been stuck on a plane for 8 hours from Atlanta doing reshoots for the Avengers movie.

When you finally arrived the door was open and you let yourself in, “Tom? You home?”

“Fuck, Y/N, been thinking about you my entire flight,” he says, coming out of the shadows from the hallway.

“Hi to you too Tom,” you giggle as he pulls you into his chest, kissing you. His hair was all messy and he had bags under his eyes, probably from sleeping on the plane, trying to catch up on all the sleep he missed.

His hands move underneath your skirt, groping your ass.

“You miss me?” You laugh as he pulls you to his room, stripping as you go.

“So much Y/N,” he says, as you jump onto his bed, tossing your underwear to the side.

He joins you, kissing from your thighs to you mouth, taking his time.

****

“Fuck, Tom, oh my god,” you cry out as he makes you come again, you’ve lost track of how many times the both of you have come throughout the evening. He pulls his lips away from your pussy and smiles at you, kissing up your stomach to your mouth again. You savor the kiss, loving the way he knew just how to touch you and kiss you to make you swoon.

He flops onto the bed bedside you and you shake your leg, trying to bring some feeling to your lower half.

“Fuck you wore me out tonight Tom, what’s gotten into you?”

“Just missed you is all,” he says, waiting for the inevitable, for you to get up and leave.

You lay there, letting your body calm down, you see his hand fiddle at his side out of the corner of your eyes. You turn on your side to face him, “Can I stay the night?”

His eyes light up and he accepts a little too quickly.

“Thanks,” you say, stretching your arms above your head.

“Wanna, i was gonna shower did you wanna join me?” He asks, a nervousness to his voice.

“I’ll hang out here, I don’t think I can handle shower sex right now,” You laugh and he nods, getting up and leaving you in the bed. You grab your phone once he’s gone telling your roommate that you’ll be staying the night at your ‘special friends place’. Nobody, not even her knew you were fucking and you wanted to keep it that way.

You got up and grabbed his gray T-shirt, one of your favorites, he always seemed to wear it when he came back from wherever he was filming, maybe he knew how much you loved it. You pulled it on and sniffed it a little, loving how it smelled like him. You wish you had shirt of his to just have when he was gone but you shook the thought from your head, just friends with benefits, he’s never here, you can’t date someone who’s almost always halfway across the world.

You flopped back down on the bed, curling up under the covers, you had a long day, not nearly as long as Tom’s you were sure of that but still long.

You felt sleep overcome you as the door to his room opened.

****

Tom has just gotten out of the shower, he walked back to his room after drying off, tossing his towel in the laundry basket. He was humming softly to himself but stopped when he noticed you were asleep. He smiled at you, curled up under the blankets, wearing his shirt. He always wore that one because you said it was your favorite of his, you loved the way his skin looked under it, liked how no matter how many times he washed it it still smelled like him. He wore it whenever he came back from filming just for you.

He slipped into sweatpants and pulled back the covers, laying down next to you. He was hesitant to put his arm around your shoulder, not wanting to wake you up but decided he would. He gently rested his hand on your arm and smiled as you cuddled closer to him. You’ve never really stayed the night before, always left right after sex or after a quick shower. He could get used to this.

He remembered the first time the two of you ever kissed, it was at a party one of your friends threw, you’d been friends for a while throughout high school and you both just graduated. And what else would a bunch of drunk teenagers do at a party than play truth or dare? His best friend Harrison dared him to play 7 minutes in Heaven with you, which made you both blush, and you dragged him into the hallway closet.

You were both nervous, Tom was having one last hooray before he was going to film for Captain America: Civil War, you were going to go to university in the fall, you knew that now was your chance to do anything, maybe become more than friends before he was swept into the whirlwind of fame.

“Can I, can I kiss you?” He asked, stuttering the entire time. You nod, pulling him down towards you and initiating the kiss.

In the 7 minutes you had before you both knew that Harrison or someone else would come barging into the closet you gave him his first blow job, which blew his fucking mind, and ever since he’s been obsessed with your mouth. You swallowed his come and tucked him into his pants right as Harrison pulled the door open, looking at the messy hair and unzipped jeans of Tom before laughing his ass off and dragging you both back to the circle.

***

Ever since then he’d only been with you, sure there were opportunities while he was filming but every time it almost happened, he just thought of you and stopped. Over the years you’d visited him a few times when you weren’t in school, surprising him at his hotel room after the Spiderman Homecoming premiere. He nearly lost his mind he was so happy to see you. He wanted to take you out, show you off to all his friends, make you his girlfriend, take you on dates, but you were very strict with not wanting any of that. You didn’t want his fans to go crazy, you didn’t want your picture to be all over the internet, and he respected that. Hell, he knew what being linked to him romantically was like since half of the internet seemed to think Zendaya and him were seeing each other. You actually teased him about it a few times, saying you wouldn’t mind if he hooked up with her. But he never did.

He watched as you slept, wondering how bad it would be if he asked you to go on a date with him. He’s talked about it with Harrison, the only person who knew because he helped get you out to the Homecoming premiere and helped hide you from the rest of his family when you were initially seeing Tom.

Harrison had told Tom time and time again to just tell you how he feels, because what if you thought of him the same way. But he never did, scared of ruining everything you had together just because of stupid feelings.

“I-,” Tom starts, stumbling over his words. He knew he could never say this to your face, not now, so this was his chance.

****

You woke up, feeling the heartbeat of Tom underneath your cheek, letting it try to lull you back to sleep. You had to pee but you didn’t want to wake Tom up so you stilled, trying to force yourself back to sleep.

“I-,” you heard Tom say, pausing.

“I love you,” he says, a whisper, as if he isn’t sure he wanted to say it out loud. You contemplate pretending you were still asleep, pretend you never heard it and move on. But you couldn’t, you couldn’t lay here and try to go back to sleep because you wouldn’t be able to.

“Tom,” you whisper, looking up at him. His face goes white, as you sit up and he pulls his arm away from you.

“I- fuck Y/N I’m sorry you weren’t supposed to hear that I-,”

“Tom, you can’t love me,” you say, getting up.

“Wait Y/N, don’t go just, I - I don’t know what I was saying.”

“You’re never here, and when you are here we just fuck and that’s fine because that’s what we wanted that’s what you wanted and-,”

“I- I wanted more than that Y/N, I’ve always wanted more than that but I knew you didn’t so I didn’t try-,”

“I mean, Tom, of course I didn’t want any of the bullshit that’s associated with dating a famous person, when would people attack you for literally everything!” You say, quickly pulling your skirt on and grabbing your phone.

“Y/N, if I knew what you wanted then I could’ve given it to you, we could’ve still dated, we could’ve hid it from everyone, I would’ve made an effort if that’s what you needed!”

“You don’t know what I need Tom, you can’t, and I don’t need this!” You say, leaving him, too stunned to move on his bed. You ran out of his apartment and made it halfway down the street before you realized you were still wearing his shirt. Tears streaming down your face you were too mad, or upset, or both, you couldn’t tell, to go back and get your own.

You rushed into your apartment, ignoring the buzz of your phone which was likely Tom, you ran past your roommate in the kitchen and collapsed on your bed.

“Y/N?” Your roommate asks, sitting on your bed.

“I fucked up,” you say, looking at her through teary eyes.

****

It’s been a few months, you haven’t spoken to Tom since and you missed him. He was one of your best friends. You talked to him often before everything and now you haven’t said a word to him. He called you a few times that night, sent you a few texts, saying sorry, saying he didn’t mean for you to hear that. Harrison texted you a few times, he knew how you really felt about Tom, knew that you didn’t mean to react like you did, but it just sort of happened. You didn’t know how to tell Tom that. You saw from his Instagram that he was filming reshoots for Chaos Walking, he was really excited about the project, talked to you about it all the time when he was first filming. You opened your messages, scrolling down to his name, the last text he sent was from two months ago.

Tom: even if you don’t love me, you still mean the world to me, and I’m sorry that I made you upset

You’ve done this every few weeks, let yourself wallow in your sadness, opening up his text messages, finger hovering over the message you had typed out, never actually hitting send.

You sighed, tossing your phone back down on the bed, not thinking anything of it as you went back to your laptop, you were getting into the video you were watching, an old Buzzfeed Unsolved episode when your phone buzzed. You frowned, picking it up.

Tom: Wait, you do? Love me? Y/N, why, why couldn’t you just tell me that that night?

Oh holy fuck, the message you had typed out ages ago must’ve sent when you tossed your phone to the side.

Tom, I love you, I’ve been trying to figure out how I could make myself not love you because I don’t know if I could handle everything that comes with you, but I realized that I don’t care about that stuff. I care about you, the guy who blushed when I kissed him in the closet four years ago, the guy who calls me beautiful when I feel not my best, the guy who hugged me so hard when I graduated a semester early, the guy who said I was going places when I was scared I would be stuck here in London for the rest of my life. Long story short, I love you too. And I’m sorry it took me so long to know what I needed.

[vantaestummy]

p lease write one where yoongi gets sick all over the backseat of the car because he tried to go on his laptop during a drive (the scenario you mentioned in your carsick jungkook fic a while back) with joon driving since he was the one that mentioned the memory. thank you i love your work

A/N: ofc lovely! Here we go. I hope you enjoy. I wrote this with my amazing anon friend who is a phenomenal writer. I truly enjoyed this collab. they’re so awesome! thank you for everything!

TW/// EMETO

WORD COUNT: 3420

-----------------

Namjoon was a fairly decent driver. Sure, it took him forever to get his license but it wasn’t because he couldn’t drive. It was because he didn’t find it necessary. Where would he go? What purpose would he have to leave the dorms if he could walk or bike most of the way there? It made no sense but having a license did maintain its perks.

Yoongi was hungry, very hungry, and the man had the taste for something far more specific than Namjoon could have ever imagined. He wanted skewers but, not just any skewers. The best skewers in Seoul, and unfortunately for them, those were all the way across town.

So Namjoon drove them there, Yoongi having offered to pay for his meal and the gas so that they wouldn’t return the company car on E. The food was good and sat comfortably in Namjoon’s sated belly. It was perfect.

Until it wasn’t.

Yoongi had decided to bring his laptop along for the journey, hoping to be somewhat productive during the lengthy and impromptu drive. He decided to sit in the front seat on the drive over to the restaurant, not wanting it to feel like he was using Namjoon as his own personal driver, but now that they’re on the way back home, he decided to sit in the backseat so he could have enough space to get comfortable and maybe read through a few blog posts he’d been saving.

He buckles himself into the middle seat so he can still easily lean forward to converse with Namjoon whenever he starts to get bored of reading, but he figures there won’t be very much talking going on judging by the way Namjoon is absolutely immersed in the songs on the radio, completely focused on humming each and every lyric.

Yoongi pulls his laptop out of his bag and powers it up, eager to start browsing the internet. He pulls the sleeves of his sweatshirt further over his freezing cold hands and begins typing in his password. Namjoon hears the clicks from the keyboard and laughs.

“You seriously brought your laptop?” Namjoon questions, voice laced with disbelief as he reaches over to turn down the air-conditioning. Yoongi responds with a small nod, eyes fixed on the blindingly bright screen in front of him as he scrolls through dozens of different articles and posts.

It’s completely silent for the next few minutes, apart from the quiet clicks of the computer mouse coming from the backseat. Namjoon continuously glances in the rear-view mirror, laughing lightheartedly at the way Yoongi is just squinting at the screen, presumably trying to read something important.

"You weren't kidding when you said you've been immersed in the new songs you were writing." Namjoon chides, his voice playful and not at all insulting. Yoongi hums in acknowledgement, the words on the screen zipping past, just like his view outside the window. It almost makes him a little dizzy, the movement of the car along with that of his mind. Yoongi takes in a deep breath, swallowing down an uneasy feeling that has suddenly taken him captive.

Namjoon knows that Yoongi doesn't do too well in cars, more specifically, right after they've gotten off of a plane. There is something about the planting of feet against wavering ground, uncertain surroundings and the body still adjusting to being thousands of feet in the air rather than just five. They all know that the eldest rapper is sucesptible to carsickness but, he must know what he is doing since, he has decided to do the worst thing one could possibly do: read while trapped in a moving car.

Suddenly, he begins to feel boiling hot, the sudden change in temperature reminding him of the time he genuinely thought he was being cooked alive in a sauna while vacationing in Finland. It isn’t a very pleasant feeling, and the sweat collecting above his brow despite the cold air consistently flowing through the vents is particularly unnerving.

With one more glance at his laptop screen and another small wave of dizziness, he decides to push his laptop aside, still leaving it open for when the feeling finally passes. He stares out at the horizon, thankful that he’s sitting in the middle so that there isn’t an entire seat obstructing his view.

He expertly breathes through the disorientation, inhaling deeply through his nose, holding for three seconds, and then exhaling through his mouth, repeating the practiced process over and over until he starts to feel himself calm down.

The breathing exercise helps him feel a little better, and he figures he just got dizzy because he was staring at the screen for too long, so he pulls his laptop back into his lap and begins clicking away once again, hoping the worst is over.

Unfortunately, the second he glances at the screen, he feels his stomach drop, a harsh wave of heat plaguing his body, making his head spin as he shoves the laptop off of his lap, letting it fall to the floor. He realizes that he wasn’t just dizzy from looking at the screen for too long, he was full blown carsick.

Namjoon is more than suspicious at this point. Yoongi has been far too silent and as he looks into the rearview, he sees that the elder rapper’s chubby red cheeks have taken on a faint tinge of green. Not only that, but his laptop is no longer in sight.

Namjoon turns down the radio. “Hyung? You good?”

Yoongi visibly swallows, the car hitting a bump that immediately thrusts his stomach into his throat. “Yeah..” He murmurs, the lie more like a slur that slithers past his lips. He’s too nauseous now to even function, his stomach bubbling the more and more they drive. Yoongi barely stifles a burp in his fist, his vision blurry as he becomes too dizzy to speak.

Yoongi’s mouth begins to fill with saliva at a rapid pace, a telltale sign that he’s going to blow chunks within the next five minutes if he doesn’t manage to get his stomach under control.

He swallows convulsively, trying not to panic when each swallow forces his stomach further up his throat. It’s only making everything worse, so without thinking, he opens his mouth and let’s the drool fall freely from his lips, coating his jeans and part of the seats.

Namjoon makes an unusually sharp turn, muttering something beneath his breath about almost going the wrong way. The directions on his phone tell him to make another turn in a couple hundred feet.

Oh god.

Yoongi feels the urge to gag. There’s no way his stomach can handle another turn. He needs to say something immediately, but he can’t get the words out quick enough. Namjoon makes the turn and Yoongi heaves involuntarily, jolting forwards from the force of it as he slaps his hands over his mouth.

His cheeks puff out with vomit and before he can swallow it back down, it bursts past his tightly sealed lips and sprays through the cracks of his fingers, coating the back of both seats, the center console, and his lap as it steadily drips from his hands.

Namjoon gasps, immediately looking back at the older boy when he hears the horribly grotesque noise. He had a feeling that something was wrong, but he trusted the boy to speak up if he needed to pull over. He never thought this would happen.

Yoongi cups his vomit-covered hands beneath his chin and closes his eyes, shuddering aggressively when another weak gag forces up a trickle of his dinner. It feels far too warm and chunky in his hands, making him want to throw up even more. Namjoon gasps at the sight. Thankfully, his stomach of steel can handle it, and all he worries about is his hyung.

“Fuck hyung. Give me a minute I’m gonna pull over.” Namjoon grits as he manages to swerve around a few slow moving cars, which, now that he thinks about it, isn’t necessarily a good move since the jolt of the car causes his hyung to emit more gurgling noises, a shallow splash sound being heard from behind his seat.

Yoongi lurches forward, not even bothering to sit up as he gags once more, a torrent of puke plummeting to the floor mat below. A burp rips itself from his throat, pushing out an onslaught of vomit as his stomach literally tries to kill him from the inside out.

“Hold on hyung. I see a place where we can pull over.” Namjoon tries desperately to keep his composure but the garbled noises coming from the backseat sound absolutely dreadful as well as painful.

It almost seems a little dangerous when Namjoon frenziedly jerks the wheel and the car jolts to the side of the road, but Namjoon doesn’t mind breaking the law if it means he can finally help Yoongi through this unpleasant situation.

Namjoon rips the key out of the ignition, figuring they won’t be doing very much driving in the next few minutes, maybe even hours. He unbuckles himself before rushing to get to the older boy in the backseat.

He leaves his door open so that some fresh air can flow into the car before opening the back door. His heart sinks, even his strong stomach swirls at the sight. Yoongi looks miserable, skin excessively pallor, hair disheveled and damp from perspiration. His hands and lap are covered in chunks of his dinner and Namjoon doesn’t even know where to begin with the cleanup process.

While he’s contemplating the easiest way to get Yoongi out of the car, the boy in question hiccups, indicating that he’s definitely on the verge of getting sick again. 

“Hey-easy, not in your hands!” Namjoon rushes out when Yoongi gives a powerful belch into his cupped hands, saliva pouring from his mouth and coating his fingers. His eyes are squeeze shut as another burp bursts past his lips, this one somehow more nauseating than the last.

The way he’s visibly struggling to keep everything inside of his stomach is alarming to say the least. Splashes of his dinner coat the back of his tongue with every queasy burp and Yoongi knows that vomiting some more is inevitable, but still, he hopes to postpone the event for at least a few minutes.

“Yoongi-stop, let’s get outside the car, okay?” Namjoon says, voice wavering as he grips the older boy by the arm, forcefully dragging his tense figure towards the open door. 

Yoongi keeps his hands cupped beneath his mouth, not trusting his stomach at the moment. He hiccups again, the nauseous feeling intensifying by what feels like a million as he slaps a palm over his lips.

He doesn’t manage to make it all the way out of the vehicle before another hot spray of puke ejects from his mouth, splattering all over the last clean section of the seats, steadily dripping down the fake leather and soiling the carpet as well.

Namjoon hauls ass, gripping Yoongi’s waist as he manages to hold the older up so that he doesn’t fall, carefully maneuvering him out of the car where he can barely lean without tipping over. Yoongi heaves, ejecting every last rancid thing that has been boiling in his cauldron of a stomach for the duration of the car ride. He feels so sick, and his head is pounding so viciously that all he can do is gag over and over again.

Namjoon has a calm hand on his back, the other smoothing back his sweaty fringe as the elder male pukes his guts out. Namjoon sighs, feeling awful for what was happening but, knowing there was nothing he could do to stop it. He doesn’t know of Yoongi’s limits. Only he does. So the fact that he decided to read while in a moving car was beyond anyone’s control but his own.

“Baby... look how sick you’ve made yourself. Why would you even try to read knowing how sick you get in cars?” He asks, his tone a bit sharp but more worried than anything. His hyung threw up, a lot. It’s only a matter of time before he passes out from either pure exhaustion, or sickness itself.

Yoongi responds with a heartbreaking whimper, bottom lip beginning to tremble at the words. He regrets bringing his laptop and he regrets thinking he could handle reading on the road. Honestly, he feels so miserable that he regrets going on the drive entirely.

The dinner tasted good when he’d first eaten it in the restaurant, but it definitely wasn’t as enjoyable when it was shooting back up his throat at a rapid pace. It definitely didn’t look as appetizing when it was regurgitated either. There’s no way he’ll be able to stomach skewers ever again.

Yoongi places his palm beneath his shirt, resting it against his swirling tummy. He gags fruitlessly, only ejecting small amounts of saliva with each awful heave. His stomach still hurts, and every time he inhales, all he can smell is the rancid puke that covers the entire front of his shirt and his jeans.

“Here, sit down, okay? I don’t think you can handle any more driving right now.” Namjoon murmurs as he carefully maneuvers Yoongi until he’s sitting on the asphalt, leaning back against the rear tire.

Once he’s sure that Yoongi is stable enough to be left alone, Namjoon sprints around to the trunk of the car, hoping to find a towel, some water, or a spare change of clothes for the sick boy.

Thankfully, he manages to find an unopened case of water bottles. He figures it’s for the company office but he’s desperate to get everything cleaned up, so he tears it open, making a mental note to buy them another pack before they notice. He grabs four of the bottles and rushes back to Yoongi.

Namjoon tentatively reaches down and grabs Yoongi by the wrist, holding up the limp limb so that he can clean it off. He unscrews the cap on one of the water bottles and pours it over Yoongi’s hand. The eldest rapper has his eyes closed, his head heavy like a weight as he keeps his chin against his damp chest. One would think he’s asleep from how he looks, but Namjoon knows he is painfully awake.

He winds up using the entire bottle of water, tossing it aside before using his own shirt to dry off Yoongi’s hand. The older boy just sits silently, his cheeks burning deep red as he let’s Namjoon clean him up.

It doesn’t feel possible, but Yoongi swears his cheeks burn ten shades darker when Namjoon intertwines their fingers together, pausing his task of cleaning to reassuringly rub his thumb across the top of Yoongi's hand.

They sit like that for a moment, Namjoon’s hand in Yoongi’s as he draws patterns into the skin there unconsciously. Yoongi’s stomach still aches, his throat burning and raw but thankfully, he has nothing more to throw up. He’s still dizzy though, and everything hurts so bad that he’s having problems seeing straight.

As if Namjoon was reading his mind, he places a light kiss upon Yoongi’s head. “Here, rest for a minute. Lean on me. We’ll get back to driving when you feel up to it.”

Cars speed past as Yoongi does as he is told, leaning his head against the younger’s shoulder, relenting all of his weight and closing his eyes with a heady sigh. “I’m sorry. It was dumb to read. Just thought I’d get some work done. I thought I could stomach the drive.” He nearly slurs, his cheek smooshed against the younger man’s shoulder. Namjoon doesn’t say anything for a moment. Instead, he kisses Yoongi’s hair once more.  

“It wasn’t the best move but, it’s not like you did it on purpose. Like you said, you thought you could handle it. I’m not mad.” Namjoon reassures with little pecks.

Yoongi snuggles his head deeper into the crevice of Namjoon’s neck. “We had to stop because of me. And now we’re stranded because I couldn’t keep my stomach where it belongs.” Yoongi pouts, squeezing his eyes shut and groaning. Namjoon giggles a bit before giving the older rapper’s hand a gentle squeeze, his other arm wrapped snuggly around his soft stomach.

“It’s okay baby. It’s not like it’s my car anyway. I think it’s Sejin’s.” 

Yoongi snorts at that, a squeaky giggle slipping past his lips and making Namjoon want to coo. He squeezes Yoongi closer to him, kissing him on the forehead his time.

The older boy mumbles something incomprehensible underneath his breath as he feebly shoves Namjoon away from him, bashfully staring down at the ground when the affection becomes too much for him to handle.

“I should probably start cleaning the seats now.” Namjoon says awkwardly, itching the back of his neck as he stands up and heads back towards the trunk of the car where he remembers seeing a few spare sweatshirts that he knew belonged to Jungkook. Yoongi doesn’t really want him to go but, he doesn’t really have the bearings to stand at the moment.

Namjoon leaves all of the doors wide open to let the car air out a little before he begins scrubbing at the mess with his impromptu towels. He feels bad for soiling Jungkook’s clothes, but he’d feel even worse if he had to return his managers car with a puke-covered backseat. 

Namjoon feels thankful that the seats are leather so nothing really soaked through or ended up staining. It easily absorbs into the material of the clothes and the cleaning process is finished within five minutes. It’ll definitely need to be scrubbed with disinfectant and the carpet and floor-mats should probably be shampooed, but there’s no real visible evidence of the incident.

Yoongi gives a weak cough and Namjoon smacks his head against the roof of the car as he hurriedly crawls out to get to beside the sick boy, worried that he’s about to start vomiting once again.

“Are you going to throw up again?” Namjoon questions as he drops onto his knees in front of Yoongi, placing a caring hand on the older boy’s cheek. Yoongi shakes his head, wiping his lips with the back of his hand.

“I just want to go home and take a bath.” Yoongi whines, eyes glimmering with unshed tears as he looks at Namjoon, waiting for some kind of solution or comfort from the leader. He feels disgusting.

“I managed to get the inside of the car all cleaned up, so how about we change your shirt and then we’ll start driving again, okay?” Namjoon murmurs, pushing some of Yoongi’s disheveled hair out of his eyes.

Yoongi nods shyly, lifting his arms up to let Namjoon peel off his soiled shirt. Namjoon moves as quickly as possible, turning away as he hands Yoongi the last clean sweatshirt he’d retrieved from the trunk.

Yoongi pulls the sweatshirt on and makes to stand, laughing quietly when Namjoon fusses over him and grabs his hands, slowly guiding him towards the passenger seat as if he can’t walk on his own. 

Namjoon reaches over Yoongi’s body to buckle his seat-belt for him and Yoongi blushes at the close proximity. Once Yoongi is settled, Namjoon climbs into the drivers seat and starts up the car, instantly rolling down all the windows to make sure there’s enough cool air to keep Yoongi’s stomach calm.

Then, Namjoon blindly reaches for Yoongi’s hand, humming contentedly when he finally finds it and interlaces their fingers. He gives a couple soothing squeezes before pressing a gentle kiss atop Yoongi’s knuckles.

“Let’s get you home, pukey.”

------------------

A/N: Is smoosh a word? idk. there’s no red line under it and it wasn’t corrected when I was writing so ill take it. I love you guys. the best parts of this fic were written by my friend tee hee.

[twenty-nothing]

EightyEight

Have you ever hit yourself in the head with a cabinet door? Yes!  Are you currently talking to someone that you don’t like? No Your best friend gets arrested for shoplifting. Are you shocked? Yeah, I am. No one I know would shoplift, as far as I know? Last time you caught up with an old friend? Its been awhile  Do you say things just to hear yourself talk? Not really

Have you ever said you were going to go to bed early but never did? Yeah all the time lol Have you ever seen an accident so horrific that it scarred you for life? Yes, I watch car crash compilations on YouTube all the time. That shit leaves scars Do you love to ‘rain on peoples parades’ (figuratively speaking)? Uh, no but I’m pretty blunt so it happens Does it annoy you when people don’t say ‘brb’? Yes, just fucking say be right back Does it annoy you when people don’t say bye before they leave? Yeah Ever worn a top that was so tight that you could barely even breathe? I feel like I have, at least for a moment while trying it on Would you wear uncomfortable clothes just because they were stylish? Why or why not? No because I’m fat so I look like a goddamn potato  Have you ever made fun of someone’s name? Yeah, that poor kid Do you feel like watching a certain movie right now? If so, what movie would that be? Eh, not really Last time you found a writing utensil on the ground? Its been awhile How much money do you usually get from digging in the sofa cushions? Nothing? Have you said sorry and meant it, but denied that you apologized later on? No? What would the point of that be Are you the peace destroyer or the peacemaker? The peacemaker sometimes Do you truly believe that miracles exist? No, I’m very much a pessimist  Is apologizing one of the hardest things for you to do? Yes, I’m stubborn  Is revenge your specialty? Oh yes What do you think of good descriptive writing? Uh, it’s good? lmao Is there someone you are trying to be friends with all over again? No Do you often set yourself up for unintentional heartbreaks? I don’t think so

Is heartbroken as bad as it sounds or worse than it sounds? Worse Do you think it is sweet when an elderly woman kisses you on the cheek? Not really Are you kind of uneasy with letting people buy stuff for you? Yeah, I feel bad letting people do things for me You don’t know what you’ve got until it’s gone. Do you agree? Very much Have you ever thought about how you were gonna kill someone? If so, why? What made you so angry? I’ve never thought about seriously killing someone Are you good at remaining neutral? Yeah for the most part Are you familiar with the ‘Emo Kid Song’? Nooo Does the inside of your ear ever itch? Yes, drives me crazy Do you respect other people’s opinions? Yes, everyone has a right to their own opinion, doesn’t mean it has to be the same as yours. As long as they aren’t being an asshole about it If you don’t like someone’s opinion do you make it known to them? Depends on the situation. Most of the time no because I hate confrontation If you had to treat everyone the same, would that be hard? Yesss Ever met a baseball player? If so, did you get his autograph? Nah Do you like to scare away the sales people? lol Sure?  Have you joined a site just because your friend joined? Yup Would you find being a secretary boring? It does have it’s boring moments

Do you like to start conversations by saying something random? Not really. I’m usually not one to start a conversation anyways Have you ever had so much wax build up in your ear that you couldn’t hear? Not that I remember Is your computer mouse an optical one? I don't know? It's actually on my laptop  Have you tried to stay in contact with someone, but they ignored you? Yup, it’s very annoying Do you remember saying ‘I hate you’ to someone when you were a kid? Oh hell yeah When was the last time you had a meaningful conversation with someone? It’s been a while  Would you be afraid to sleep in your backyard? Not afraid but I wouldn’t wanna sleep with the buggies Does the idea of camping just scare you for some reason? It doesn’t scare me, but i’s extremely uncomfortable and it’s something I have no interest in Have you ever seen a coyote in real life? No Have you ever heard footsteps on your roof in the middle of the night? No Do you have anything locked up in a vault? Nope Do you have a hard time controlling your temper? Or do you just not have a bad temper? I have an awful temper, I can just blow up and then I feel awful after Would you rather die saving someone or fighting for your own life? Saving someone If you could stay one age forever, which age would you choose and why? Out of all my ages I would want to be 17 again. No bills but phone and car to pay. Half my year was in high school, then the best summer I’ve ever had, then went off to my amazing college experience. I would do anything to relive that age..... How many mosquito bites do you currently have? None it’s fucking winter Have you ever slapped someone across the face in public? No Have you ever been in a fight that security had to break up? I’ve never been in a fist fight Running from the police makes things worse. Do you agree with me? Oh fuck yeah, idiots Were you ever afraid your nose was going to grow from telling lies? Nah, I was never really told that as a kid. My parents weren't into the scare tactics Are you always there for your friends no matter what? Yes Have you ever made a promise that you couldn’t keep? I didn’t know I wouldn’t be able to keep it at the time of promising If you could sue for a broken heart, would you do it? YES, fucking Matt Can you and your friends joke around without taking things too personally? Yeah Would you rescue a child if it meant risking your own life? Very much so Have you ever gone skiing? Nope, no desire to either Do you think there are some people out to make you miserable? Not specifically, no, but I think there are some people who enjoy making others miserable, or who don’t care who they hurt if it benefits them Do you love animals, like a few, or hate them all? I like a few Do you know what it means to actually be in love? If so, how do you really know? I do not know what it is like to have a two-sided love, where each person truly loves the other one. So I don’t really know.

[realfitreallife]

Single Girl Chronicles 1.1

I really just have to start a thread on my blog because honestly it’s gonna make a really good book some day. Dating and being a single mom over 30, in Texas. Seriously. I can’t make this stuff up. Some of my best friends are still single and it’s crazy some of the stories we share over drinks and sushi. 

I have been single for tentatively 5 years since my divorce. I say that because I have dated, I went back to my ex husband for a year and I have had a few flings in that time. I really just don’t know what to say anymore. Some of the men I have encountered on my journey have taken the cake. I need to clarify something too, I am not perfect NOR do I hate men. I am not one of those over-zealous, hairy armpit, boycotts makeup because they feel like every single thing that isn’t exactly FOR women, is AGAINST women types either. I really am just the girl next door, who happens to like to lift weights and is trying to raise good kids. That’s all. So let’s start... 

I do absolutely have a type. I hate to say it out loud because I like to think of myself as a free thinker, and a love is for everyone no matter what type person but I can tell you. I have a type I tend to attract and gravitate towards. That is the ugly truth. I am also a ghoster. If you get too freaky, mistake me for a woman who will put up with your shit, or you have ghosted me before in texts or emails...I will drop you like a bad fucking habit. 

** side note by TOO Freaky...I mean like trying to shove inanimate objects not made for sexy time inside orifices of mine...it’s happened. I don’t judge but I don’t play that way either so. You know who you are. Perv. ** 

There is always that one guy, who texts and messages like every 5 seconds. The minute he gets your phone number he acts like he has to have every single conversation you have missed out on in the last year in the next 24 hours. He usually wants to talk all night, or when I am at work. Never fails. I try to keep up with this guy but 89% of them get impatient with me because I don’t always have the fast text back rate. I am usually good about it but at work its hard. So they end up moving on, I just feel like they text like that because they have short attention spans and get bored with me because I am not that exciting. I mean there is only going to be so many answers to “So how’s your day?” Well its fucking Wednesday and I didn’t kill someone so...OR “what are your plans this weekend?” Well I have two kids, so we are hitting up the movies, having root beer floats and then going to the park later ... wanna come? sometimes they like this, sometimes they don’t. I am usually 50/50.

There is the guy who opens the conversation and then disappears between certain times of the day. “hey girl” *six hours and a handful of messages from me later* “whats up?” .... SUPER annoying. This brings me to that guy that sends one liners too. “Hey.” “You up” “WYD” “Going to eat” “Gym flow brb”...this literally makes me want to throat punch everyone I see. “wyd” “nothing” Get the fuck away from me.

Then we have the guy who opens the conversation with a highly sexually aggressive one liner. “Hey baby, wanna sit on my face?” So I can smother you yes. “Oh nice tits” Oh thanks you won’t be seeing them and yes I have gotten this before, “Hey wanna fuck?((Kissy face blowing kisses face and heart eyes)) ” First off, if a guy uses too many emojis - it’s a turn off. I get annoyed with my best friends for putting like 45million faces and hand signals after a text. However I have seen grown ass men, straight men, use 4-6 emojis on a dirty pickup line. Stop corrupting emojis. Some of you actually think adding a kiss face will make your gross behavior funny. Stop it. My emojis carry over to so many areas of my life and the last thing I need is to remember your dumb ass when I send them to my best friends. It’s never the eggplant emoji either, its always a hand signal and the faves. UGH. Secondly, can you get to know a sister first? I mean damn Gina, hold your fucking horses. I don’t even KNOW if I wanna sit on your face because your attitude is so fucking stupid, I’d rather slap you with my fist then even THINK about letting you near my goddess parts. 

I am all for diversity and try really hard not to judge but some of yall make it awfully hard for a bitch to want to settle down.

[swearronchanel]

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER 6.07

AHHH OMG, I was out all day & Actually MISSED the NEW episode like wtfff?!!? it was TOrture!! & I literally had to delete twitter and Tumblr off my phone because the devil himself would’ve tempted me lmfao😭 I love spoilers but not when everyone has seen the episode but me! it’s okay though I had some rum chata to distract me lol, which is just rum and horchata which is the Hispanic version of Horlicks so, At least I was in the CtM Spirit 🙃

Anyway I’m finally getting to watch it so here we go ..

shit I’m so nervous and I haven’t pressed play

why is my heart beating so fast omg

i usually skip the intro but I’m legit not ready

PHYLLIS !! 💕

damn Vanessa already hinting at what’s to come

Baby Susan so precious omg!!

No lie one of the prettiest babies I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen lots of ugly babies and lots of cute babies, I’m qualified to judge.

“Courage and resilience will matter most of all” 😭😭ahh omg

My spirit animal and campion Phyllis deserves nothing but the best I’m not ready to see her hurt

SHELAGH GETTING EXAMINED 😭😭💕💕 MY HEART IS BURSTING & her belly is so big omg!

CRYING SHE STILL CANT BELIEVE ITS HAPPENING ME EITHER BBY 😭 like holy shit I’m still not over it.

But I’m going to binge series 6 with my mother when I’m home Saturday and can’t wait for her to watch because she wanted to see shelagh have a baby & also she doesn’t know what tf has happened 😭😭😂 it’s been a crazy series! She will be s h o o k

“I know I’m just not a very relaxed sort of person” SAME but BBY RELAX 😭💕

LOL I WOULDNT HAVE READ IT EITHER

That was a cute moment with Babs and Shelagh!! But still wish it was w/ Trixie though 🙁 also it didn’t seem like a “heart to heart”? was it supposed to or was I expecting too much

Aw Rhoda 💔

what a ignorant ass teacher though, I’ll  FIGHT HER REAL QUICK

BOY OR GIRL??? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW UGH WHAT IS BABY TURNER??!

ugh Shelagh and Patrick’s faces 😫 I hope they don’t feel guilty for having a baby

But also why does shelagh have to keep wearing the same things lol, I feel cheated of all the cute maternity looks she could’ve served instead

“Having to explain” poor Mrs Antoine UGH THAT MAKES ME SO ANGRY, THERE’S NOTHING TO BE EXPLAINED   I’m mixed, Hispanic and white not black and white but still my dad is tan & we’ve been places where people have given my parents the dirtiest looks and have heard a nasty comment or two & it BOILS MY BLOOD

Omg the Antoine boys are precious

TRIXIE 😍😍 my bby looks good!

PHYLLIS IN TROUSERS HELL YES

UM VALARIE CAN U NOT BE RACIST

I swear if she says anything more I’ll lose my shit

“No one can really choose who they fall in love with” BLESS U DEELS

Bless Phyllis for making sure those cubs don’t grow up to be as ignorant as their parents

“I surmise the puller of teeth is intended to admire it” SISTER MJ IS A GEM

LOL SISTER J WANTS HIM TO COME THROUGH

SISTER WINIFRED WITH ANOTHER PRICELESS FACE IM DEAD

A bassoon? Lmaoo what the actual fuck Tim

Oh it’s for girls ofc LOL give him a girlfriend already, I’d get such a kick out of it. & Patrick could make another dad joke and say like take a lesson from me I legit beat God over a woman’s heart

The Mullucks fam 😭

Patrick with Susan omg aww

Trixie looking like a b a b e I’m dead 😍

“You’ll look like you’re trying to hard” DELIA HAHA OMG SHE GETS LIKE ONE MIN OF SCREEN TIME BUT SHE ALWAYS HAS GOOD LINES

I need Trixie’s everything, no joke. HOW

But I’m dying my hair blonder this week don’t play

Ah my bby shelagh again 😍💕

I feel so sorry for Patrick like this wasn’t your fault

LMAO SISTER WINIFRED CANT CONCENTRATE IN COMPLINE  SHE IS ANNOYINGLY PRECIOUS

She’s scared to take her driving test aw 😂😂 same like I have my permit but I’m scared to fail the actual driving test

“Oh I have a soft spot for the Antoines” PHYLLIS TIENE UN GRAN COROZON 😭

Omg Mr and Mrs Antoine are so cute too, dios te bendiga 😰

Christopher being a flake wtf no me gusta

Sister W is in on the drama like Sister B was, am I right??

LMAO HER RUN

Prosthetics are so wild, my abuelo has a prosthetic leg and I was so interested when he first got it. But also I’m going to hell for being evil because I joke around way too much when he’s extra senile

“People call my kids hair frizzy, but I think it’s beautiful” MY HEART😭💔 literally my mom was the same with me. Defensive over my curls - even tho my hair is frizzy sometimes😭

The song though, took me a second to process but that’s my bby shelagh’s song ?? Ummm wut

lol sister Winifred hella late, let me guess this will make her want to drive?

this prosthetic place is so great wow omg

damn it Bernie

PHYLLIS LOVES THIS FAMILY AND I LOVE THEM ALL OMG 😭😭

GET THE RUM ! or I will lol

ah never mind

LOL SISTER W AGAIN & PHYLLIS SHAKING HER HEAD

the question is, does/has sister Winifred drink/drank ? she seems like a light weight

fuck is this when it’s gonna happen

I’M NOT READY DAMN IT

damn Bernie..

UGH MY HEART IS RACING IM SO ANXIOUS AND SCARED AHJXKWLXM

HOLY SHIT OMGGGG

THAT WAS SO HARD AHH OMGG

IM FUCKING SCREAMING

Phyllis is in shock o h m y g o d

I can’t process this either

OMG I CANT DEAL

PHYLLIS IS SOBBING, IM SOBBING WTFFFF OMGG 😭😰😰😰💔💔💔

MY FUCKING HEART

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OMG

AW SISTER W ASWELL UGH WTF I SHOULDNT FEEL SO MUCH

LMAO OMG THANK U FOR COMIC RELIF

TIM SUCKS LMAO stick to the damn piano boy

PATRICK AND SHELAGH GIGGLING OMG MY HEART IS OKAY NOW 😭😭💕💕

SHELAGH AND PATRICK BEING SO CUTE IM CRYING

DAMN THALIDOMIDE

DAMN THAT CAR UGH  

DAMN IT ALL

LOW FUCKING BLOW BERNIE THAT WAS NOT HER FAULT

BABS TRYING TO COMFORT PHYLLIS  IM CRYING AGAIN

SHE IS SO HURT, I AM SO HURT, IM A BLOODY MESS OF TEARS. IM SOBER AND SAD NOW & THERE’S MASCARA In MY CONTACT LENS & MY 3yr OLD GREMLIN LITTLE COUSIN IS KICKING ME (lol he’s laying next to me)

AND CARRIE CRYING NOW OMGGG NO LENNY WONT DIE STOP

“That lovely gp of yours” lol does everyone have a crush on Dr Turner but me? Lol don’t come @ me pls I’m sorry I know people love him 😭😭 Im here for Christopher and Tom But He is handsome, just in an older man way Lmaoo guess it’s cause he could be my dad 😂 lol he’s older than my dad

I’d take him as a sugar daddy real quick though. I need my tuition paid and he is so sweet😏 😭😂

So it was a scarf, hmm I thought trixie was gonna find like stockings or something

“Not Hermès but something very like it” lol how does Trixie know what Hermès feels like on a nurses salary?

Valarie is on my nerves & she’s had like 2 mins of screen time Lmaoo I’ve liked her until this episode. I hope they don’t ruin her for me

“But I’m a member of the institute of advanced motorists”  UGH PHYLLIS IS A GEM WHO DOES NOT DESERVE THIS !! SHE IS THERE FOR EVERYONE ALWAYS, SHE ALWAYS DOES GOOD WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN TO HER?

Aw Sister Winifred

Oh Rhoda 💔💔she’s such a great mother

MY HEART, THEY WERE WALKING AWAY FROM BEING TEASED

BLAME THE RACISTS, IT IS ALWAYS A VALID BLAME

YES PHYLLIS IS A GOOD WOMAN! 😭😭

Tom trying to comfort Phyllis😭😭

“You’re fond of your meat, and our views on God and His existence are divergent to say the least, but we both follow vocations…. so if you caused harm to someone else, even inadvertently would it not make you question what everything in your life has come to stand for?” I’m c r y i n g

“I, a rational woman, have no one to question but myself” 😭💔

IM REALLY HURT

“Sometimes cheering people on the sidelines doesn’t help”

my bby killing it 😍

Why you being a flake Christopher? go ahead man tell her about your kid

BRUH YOU DONT TELL HER LIKE THAT LMAO

he’s divorced ah, thought it was out of wedlock. I don’t care though haha

NO DRINKS FOR TRIXIE, TELL HIM BBY.. in your own time of course 💕

BABY SUSAN SO PRECIOUS

Fred brought her car ugh And Phyllis is still so hurt as am I 💔

This lady is so sweet! I hope she and Rhoda become friends right now

DID SHE TAKE DISTIVAL TOO?

lol wait where are the Turners I miss them??

“.. and the words ‘Nonnatus house this is not a midwife speaking’ are most unlikely to reassure the caller” SISTER MJ!

YES SHE DID OMG. I need them to be best friends omg 💔😭

“Nothing was said, nothing was done” 💔💔

PHYLLIS LOOKING AT THE CAR

SISTER MJ IS GOING WITH HER MY HEART OMG

my heart my heart

aw the mullucks'😭 ofc IT WASNT YOUR FAULT!

SISTER MJ IS A GEM 💕😭 & PHYLLIS IS JUMPING BACK IN

TWO GEMS 😭💕 but also if this was the birth they meant that sister MJ was involved in ill be lowkey sad, but we shall see next week if she’s randomly with Shelagh when she delivers

Trixie serving more looks 😍

Aw my bby 💔does she tell him about her alcoholism at the end of this ?

Also what are we guessing about Valarie rn?? she has a secret? tragic backstory to be unlocked? what ? She gay?

Aw the mulluks’s again! All so sweet💕 & YES LYDIA BE FRIENDS

ugh Christopher looks good af😍 and that car yes

YES TRIXIE 😍 my girl looking good as well

SHE TOLD HIM 😭 IM CRYING IM SO PROUD 😭😭💕💕WHY DO I FEEL SO PROUD FOR A FICTIONAL CHARACTER??! I love her

Oh shit Patsy’s dad is dead. I assumed that was coming

Phyllis reassuring Delia awww

PHYLLIS BACK AT THE CUBS 😭 MY CHAMPION AND SPIRIT ANIMAL BOUNCING BACK

Lenny’s speech omg brb crying

The support group for thalidomide victims omg my heart

I was cryin before and now I’m crying more for this Irish lady

Omg side side side note there was this cute old interracial couple that seem like my parents in 20yrs in JFK yesterday that were so precious and sweet and we’re talking to me the whole time waiting at the gate & then there was this sweet Irish couple who were confused about the time difference and I helped them out and then when we landed they helped me out looking for my bag so now I have much more faith in humanity because usually the people in NYC airports are angry new yorkers who don’t care lol like me (jk)

“There’s no rule of life so simple or so true ..” 😭😢💔💖

Thank u Vanessa I’m so emotional, show me next week 

Bonus: next week

OMG PHYLLIS HUGGING SHELAGH OMGGG. I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED TO SEE THIS

PHYLLIS BETTER DELIVER THE BABY I KNOW I WANTED TRIXIE BUT IT DOESNT SEEN LIKELY AND SO INEED PHYLLIS (sister J too ofc?! She was barely in this past episode)

MY BBY SHELAGH’S TUMMY IS SO BIG IN HER UNIFORM OMG SHE’S SO PRECIOUS I LOVE HER I MISSED HER THIS PAST EPISODE

BUT OH MY GOD BABY TURNER IS COMING HOLY SHIT THIS IS HAPPENING THIS IS NOT A DRILL

HERE COMES THE PILL READY OR NOT #LETSGETIT1962

Lol oh shoot I didn’t take mine yesterday or today brb

AW DELIA

WHAT IS SIGNIFICANT ABOUT BABS SLEEPING I NEED TO KNOW

Lol idk why but even though I like Tom and Babs their relationship just doesn’t do anything for me😂😂 like I don’t give a shit? They’re cute but idk it doesn’t cut it. Like they’re just there and I’m like “aw ok”

OMG I CANT WAIT WHAT WILL HAPPEN ?! I NEED ANSWERS

I will die next week. For real. 

[swearronchanel]

As per request, 2.05

You guys have been so freaking sweet and kind  to me with your feedback since I started making these ridiculous posts, it’s insane but I love it!❣️ I literally started these as a joke because my one friend who watches call the midwife didn’t pick up the phone (and bc I was under the influence whoops hahaha it happens) but now I have so much fun posting every week! I’m sure I won’t stop these any time soon (what will I do when this series is over until Christmas? Yikes lets not talk about it yet)  Anyways @marialujan22 requested I rewatch and post for 2x5 & shit it’s been a while since I’ve watched series 2 but I couldn’t say no! Besides Im in a good mood because I have 10 days till spring break & only like 8 weeks left in the semester so here we go ..

idk if I’m mentally prepared for this

THE BIKE SONG I LOVE IT

“Somewhere far away, scientist we’re working on a magic pill, rumored to make pregnancy a case of choice..” Hell yea birth control, deff a magic pill in my opinion

Crazy that it took 3 series for the pill to become a thing & then there was still lame ass government guidelines

Jenny Lee! lol I often forget about her sorry not sorry, I liked her but she left. ya no importa

I love how “mature jenny” still narrates even though her character is never even mentioned anymore #letmenarrate lol jk I like Vanessa Redgrave’s voice

“Meanwhile other scientists were trying to send humans to the moon” fuck yea Hidden Figures

If CtM went up until 1969 that’d be lit, like the episode on mad men when they watched the moon landing! Just replace them with nuns and nurses and babies & replace the liquor for tea 😂

Shit I’ve said typed so much already

SISTER MJ💕 I wanna smack myself she’s brushing her teeth & I thought of that stupid toothbrush song from last week’s episode kill me

Nora’s pregnant again uh oh

Cynthia! SISTER E! Jane! It’s been so long

My bby Trixie 💕😍 I miss her pin curls! But now she’s serving those 60s looks so I’m here for it all

“Take that off this minute before you go to hell” LMAO TRIX YOU CANT TELL KIDS THAT

lol who am I kidding I would’ve said the same

I love sister Monica Joan, id quote everything she ever says but that’s too much work

Vicar’s wife? But who was the vicar?

LMAO WAIT DOESNT SISTER MJ FAKE A HEART ATTACK??

YES SHE DID IM DEAD I LOVE HER, WELL IT WAS LIKE ANGINA BUT IDC STILL FUNNY CAUSE SHE DIDNT WANNA GO

PRECIOUS SISTER BERNADETTE 😭💕

I STILL CANT BELIEVE MY BBY SHELAGH WAS A NUN, ITS SO STRANGE TO GO BACK AND SEE HER IN THE HABIT, LIKE YOURE PREGNANT NOW, WITH DR TURNERS BABYYY!!

anyone else really wanted to know how she was going to tell Sister Julienne “um i was already done with being a nun and now im love sick, I can’t stop thinking about Dr Turner so  I gotta ditch this habit”

damn I feel so bad like she did not want another baby & had no choice but to deal with it

No Jenny, tea is not gonna help right now

And heres the lady that scammed her

How much is 2 guinnis ? Idk how to spell that u already know I’m an ignorant American

Did she really tell a married woman keep her legs closed? It Doesn’t even matter if she was married or not like who are u anyway?? I would’ve bitch slapped her too, good for u Nora

Sister MJ saying her horoscope was right, we are the same😭

Wtf is spotted dick? Also I laughed because I’m immature Lmaoo

Sister J eating the pudding, she knows how to get to sister MJ 😂 I love them

Trixie teasing Jane about the Reverend lol aw

“I can’t knit I had a heart attack this morning” ME TRYING TO GET OUT OF THINGS

8 kids in one bedroom though yikes

Cute and classic bedroom moments 😭💕

“Naughty version of eggnog” like coquito? Lol nah, coquito is the bomb

IM CRYING SISTER BERNADETTE LOOKING IN THE DOORWAY

THIS BREAKS MY HEART EVERYTIME

THEY FUCKING CLOSED THE DOOR ON HER, MY BBY. I WANT TO HUG HER 💔💔💔 she deserves the world

Who is this irrelevant ass vicars wife? “Cherrio”

I’m so sorry Nora

Ew wtf a rat just bit the baby?

“Just tell me what you want sister” SHE WANTS YOU DOCTOR

THE WAY THEYRE LOOKING AT EACH OTHER OMG IM SHOOK

WHAT THE HELL TIM WHY DID YOU RUIN THE MOMENT ?!

sister MJ wants to roll bandages, make it happen! lol I love that Cynthia and Jane unwrap them all for her 😭

Aww i love babies !! but that one with a funny nose uhh

SISTER BERNADETTE BLOWING THE WHISTLE AND CHEERING 💕 MY HEART SHE IS SO ADORABLE

Aw I wish Trixie could have another scene going through old pictures and maybe share old stories with the new nurses💔 unlikely but you know I can hope. SHE DID HAVE THAT PHOTO OF HER AND CYNTHIA ON HER MIRROR LAST SUNDAY💕

“I’m a woman on a mission” beatrix, light in my life

Curly locks lol, when I was younger I  was called Shirley temple and when I dyed my hair I was called Goldie locks.. mind u that lasted into high school 😂 I’m staying blonde for good though, I don’t think I can pull off anything else

DONT GO OUT WITH HIM TRIXIE, HE’S TRASH

Laura Main’s angelic voice ✨👼🏼

who am I kidding she’s an angel

you know what would be fun and a dream? to go out with the ctm cast and get drunk and take trashy snapchat videos singing

Gin & a hot bath??

Trixie looked him up lol, good move

BUT HE’S STILL TRASH and an asshole

Pickle knife ?

again, this irrelevant vicar’s wife? vete ya

Everyone thinks Sister MJ is senile but she knows what’s up with Sister Bernadette..

“..but is all blank sadness and continued tears”  MY HEART💔 sister Bernadette/Shelagh has spent the majority of this show crying/being sad/distressed ugh!! Laura Main plays is beautifully but I CRY!? Let her be uninterruptedly happy please 😭💕

she (and helen) ruined me tbh, I used to have dignity

Is Jenny really naive or is she just pretending not to understand??

SEE SISTER BERNADETTE IS ON SCREEN AGAIN & IS UPSET

“I almost wish I was physically ill..” okay bRb CRYIN. THIS IS WHY I CANT WATCH THESE OLDER EPISODES I CRY TOO MUCH, I DONT LIKE TO SEE HER UNHAPPY

Remember when I started the show and didn’t know it was gonna ruin my life? Or before I grew attached? Yea me neither lmaoo those were the days when I thought downton killed me. I Didn’t know what was coming 😂 still love downton though rip #downtonmoviepls

Knitting needles?? aye dios mio

HA GREMLIN TIM AND JACK

Again how much is a gunniea and how do I spell it? I could google it but I’m busy here

She was willing to sell her wedding ring and risk her life for an unprofessional abortion. DO YOU SEE THE ISSUE? This isn’t just the a period drama either. Shit is real

“Are babies more valued because they can survive or do they survive beside they are more valued?” good question sis

lol Jane was so sweet and just bounced with no word

AT LEAST I KNOW WHERE SHE WENT THOUGH, THANKS FOR THAT NZ CUT SCENE

Trixie being a babe and getting ready to do her nails 😍💕 I wish I could do mine well but I’m trash and so I pay to get them done

The cross cutting in this scene is crazy but so well done (& yes look at me using real terms lol, I took a Music in film class last semester and had to know editing techniques 😂, I did fairly well too)

I really don’t know how she survived this

My bby trixie looking gorgeous as per usual. I love her so much, Helen u kill me

NO COÑFIO TRIXIE, HE’S NO GOOD

Haha why did I not remember the Gone With The Wind reference? Cynthia was so cute, I miss her carefree and happy

FRECO MOVE YOUR DAMN HAND, YOU ARE TRASH.

HE’S FICTIONAL BUT ID STILL FIGHT HIM

my poor bby😭💔 it is not your fault , he’s trash!! But this moment between the nurses warmed my cold heart

“Matrons in charge, virgins of iron” 😭😭

Aw Earth Angel playing, ✨🎼 I highkey pop to 50s/60s pandora stations

Jenny yes it’s illegal but do you think that matters rn??

TIM AS MAID MARION LMAO

Sister Bernadette looking at Dr Turner ah omg 😭they’ve come so far.

It’s not your fault Jenny but you should’ve told someone

Sister B & Tim won 👏🏼

LMAO ALL I CAN THINK OF IS THAT POST “WOAH CALM DOWN IM JUST TRYNA DATE YOUR DAD”

and she’s down, and the glasses flew

“You’ve hurt your hand” “well I’m sure there’s no need to amputate” ah sister b/shelagh lowkey has some of the funniest lines she just slips them in and people miss them !!

Here it comes ..

THE MOMENT..

“Would you like me to have a look at that?” UHM YEA

No but seriously I can barely remember what I thought when I first watched this but I knew something was gonna happen because a nurse can handle her own damn cut & well you know, she was in love with him

HE KISSED HER HAND. A fucking doctor kissed a nuns hand people, how scandalous & this was THE MOMENT I KNEW I WAS CORRUPT AND WAS GOING TO HELL, I AM SATAN I WANTED THE DOCTOR TO KISS A FREAKING NUN ON THE MOUTH LIKE WTF WHO RAISED ME? MY MOTHER WANTED IT TOO SO IDK BUT THIS KILLED ME, LIKE R.I.P HERE LIES GABBY, I WAS IN THE GROUND DECEASED. I’m actual trash. Someone dispose of me in the proper bin #recyle

for real, this is when I really knew that I was never going to love any other show like this and I allowed it to ruin me

BUT HONESTLY WHAT THE HELL WAS HE THINKING? THATS A BOLD MOVE

BOLD IN GENERAL BECAUSE YOU DONT KNOW IF SHE LIKES YOU BUT BOLD x1000 BC SHE IS A NUN, YOU KNOW MARRIED TO GOD, VOW OF CHASITY AND ALL THAt??

What if she would’ve freaked tf out or told sister Julienne? I don’t even know. I’ll just be grateful for how things turned out

“At this moment I only know I’m not turning my back on you because of you but I’m doing it because of him” AHHHH, DONT WORRY BBY GOD LOVES U AND UNDERSTANDS YOU LOVE HIM AND THE DOCTOR, LOSE THAT HABIT AND GO PROPERLY KISS PATRICK 😭

Sister MJ judging the baby contest is the purest thing & I need it to cleanse my disgusting soul that wants a dr to get with a nun #notsorrythough

“In Nonnatus we were good at tending other’s wounds and there were times I felt we were all each other’s children..” brb I’m crying I love that they’re like a family 😭💕💔

I’m so happy they didn’t kill Nora and she actually was happy in the end. I really wasn’t sure for a moment (obviously when I first watched lol)

“ Free reliable contraception came too late to help her, but in time the scientists triumphed. Her daughters and granddaughters lives remained transfigured, long after man left fleeting footprints on the moon.” Vanessa always knowing what to say in the end.

Lets see how the pill is going to be reintroduced this series, I’m interested  in how it’s going to play out.

I’ve said that so many times though so I’ll be done

The End.