#bouquetofthorns

[bouquetofthorns]

MY BOOK IS OUT

to those who have been following me you may have noticed a post from about a month ago about how i decided to release my very first poetry book. well, i can say, that the book is OUT!

she is called the chaos/the calm and she is available for purchase as we speak! so tell your friends, tell your mom, tell your neighbors, tell your teachers, tell everyone. i put a lot of heart and emotion into this book and it truly means a lot to me. 

she’s only $15 and you get 40 poems plus 4 bonus ones. that’s 44 shitty poems for only $15, you won’t find that deal anywhere else! 

so if you’re into supporting small broke ass artists and you dig shit poetry, please, hit up this link and get yourself a copy. it would mean the world to me.

http://www.lulu.com/shop/bouquet-of-thorns/the-chaosthe-calm/paperback/product-23758089.html

thank you for reading my shit and i hope you enjoy this book if you choose to pick her up. please let me know which ones are your favourites, lets talk about it!

[misancholy]

a note to self - @bouquetofthornsjournal a simple piece, but one that tells a whole lot of truth. and truth can be scary. but this journal is meant to be every single part of me, there is no hiding. not here.

[ericdaigh]

In France, commerce isn't everything. #bouquetofthorns #infrance

[now-whisper-soft-and-sweet-blog]

bouquet-of-thorns started following you

"Hello, there. Abigail Juliet, your wish is my command." The red head gave a curtsey, before standing up, and shooting the blonde a smile. "And who might I have the pleasure of meeting?"

[bouquetofthorns]

The Chaos/The Calm

you took the rhythm of my heartbeat and tuned it into a flatline  once a living, breathing, masterpiece  left for dead on the side of the road you called my body, “art” as it spread across the parking lot  colouring the pavement with the red paint that oozed out from under me  you enjoyed every second of it you said it was better than going to a museum  you absolutely adored being the chaos that could not stop riding  the waves in my veins  you found humor in causing hurricanes and earthquakes inside of me loved to watch the storms consume me until i was nothing but a concept  until we were no longer a memory but a mistake 

the chaos nearly destroyed me it held me hostage in my own home and told me to keep quiet while sirens blared in my ears  i kept seeing blank canvases where the signs were hanging  they were out in the open, visible to all  but you convinced me, they did not exist the chaos you caused was heartbreak with a dose of misery you sent me on a trip i have yet to come back from  but a trip that brought me to the calm

the calm made me feel warm  it tucked me in during those sleepless nights, made me tea it made sure i was on time for things and that i had clean laundry  the calm taught me how to breathe on my own again how to love the sound of a song we once claimed to be “ours” i had forgotten how much i love that song, i’ve listened to it 16 times in a row now the calm helped me come to terms with my problems  rinsed the chaos from my body banished all unwanted thoughts and feelings  although, they always find a way  to break back into me

the calm is my home, my present  the chaos, a life lesson  i have survived both  and will always hold each one close to my heart i am now the proud owner of an out of tune heartbeat  one that still keeps me going i am alive and that is the best  i can do

[bouquetofthorns]

The Tongue In Cheek Theory

maybe the tongue in cheek theory needs to be thrown out the idea of keeping my mouth shut to appease those who do not like  how my voice sounds or how it cuts away all the bull and get’s right to the point  is simply outrageous  people are afraid of the power  a woman will have if they unseal their lips and let years worth of words pour out  boil over as though the stove has been left on for way too long well it has

we have too much to say  and the hourglass seems to be running out with every breath i take  but the fear of having not enough time will no longer  hold me back

i will say what needs to be said  and i don’t mind if your ears bleed or if you hate me  for vocalizing the thoughts the thoughts that refuse to stay  in between my tongue and my teeth  i will not shut up, i will not stop  talking for i am a fountain of stories  and i am ready to start  spilling

[bouquetofthorns]

Bills Bills Bills

if to live is to be free  i must not be living at all  for i am chained to the sinking ship that is my debt my wallet is only heavy before the bills  before rent sneaks into my small apartment  and takes all that i have to give all the hard work i put into the last two weeks  gone before i could even blink i worry if i will have enough for groceries  so i often pretend i’m not that hungry or i just forget  other times i fill myself to the brim  and then some make myself tip over  because it’s never enough i have $550 to my name  and so much to pay  i try my best with minimum wage  but it doesn’t seem to enjoy my company  i should be used to this by now four years deep  i should know the rules of the game have them memorized  but instead i shock myself each time i think  i may be able to have it together this time when in reality  i have no control

[bouquetofthorns]

Every Single Step: My Walk Towards Self Love

self deprecation comes easier to me than admiration  i somehow developed a fear of my own reflection  i avoid it at all costs  “too much” “too sad” “too plain” “too tired” “too weird”  i’ve allowed the world tell me how i should be  for far too long  the views of those i do not know somehow  got into my head  they haunted me for years i let them  their words echoing throughout my entire being  falling out of their mouths into mine  i ate them up memorized every single letter  tasted each word  and with blood on my tongue  i’d say them to myself in the mirror  until i could no longer face my face and the glass would shatter

tonight i looked in the mirror  and smiled  i love my body  i like who i am even if each day comes with a struggle  i’m finding a way to enjoy  every  single step i like who i am  soon enough i will  love who i am  too

[bouquetofthorns]

March 29th, 2016

why do i go out looking for trouble?  hunting through the library of old memories like the one from when you hurt me i put it under a microscope and dissected it to death 

but, it keeps on reappearing  i cannot seem to fight it every time i believe i’ve found it’s weakness it goes on and proves me wrong

it’s been 2 years and i have to admit i’m still infected by the harm you’ve caused me  it still hurts to breathe when the thought of ever seeing your face again floods my brain  my body begins to shake, i am not in control  and i am fully aware we were barely a love affair  we kissed a few times before you melted my mind twisted my thoughts into thinking i was the one in the wrong  i know you’ve moved on but i can’t say the same for me  i don’t even crave you it’s quite the opposite  but i’m still trying to heal my wounds, it’s taking longer than i had planned  i’m almost embarrassed  but i am doing the best that i can

i’m hoping when year 3 comes around, i will be ready to set myself free  i’ll be ready to be happy 

[bouquetofthorns]

A Force To Be Reckoned With

she is a storm a fast moving hurricane  she cannot be stopped or altered  she isn’t immune to flaw but she owns it she embraces her faults and uses them as weapons she fights for the life she deserves she is  a tsunami  a force to be reckoned with  a force to be heard, to be seen  she is a  wild fire she is not afraid to burn a couple of bridges if it means  success  but she is also the extinguisher  loyal, she will never let you choke from the smoke she will put you first because she is the wind during a hot summer’s day she gives you fresh air to breathe in  till you no longer feel like you are dying because with her its simple she is life

[bouquetofthorns]

They/Them

they have an 808 drum for a heartbeat a loving pulse that can be mistaken for thunder they are the storm and the sun  and they have the kind of patience a kid has on their birthday  waiting to open gifts

they ask for appropriate responses and respect  nothing more nothing too complicated but the world decides to make fun, dismiss their identity  throw them into the landfill of all those forgotten, left behind they just wanted to be addressed correctly  to be equal, to be free why is it so damn hard for people to be understanding to be  human?

[bouquetofthorns]

A Letter To My Ex: Our Little Shit Show

dear E, 

so its been a while, a year and 7 months to be exact. you may not remember me but i remember you very clearly. our last physical interaction was a night spent in your car in an empty parking lot. there was a lot of fighting that night, a lot of yelling, crying (on my part but to be fair you were being a dick), and no sign of solution. silence filled the car as you drove me home and it wasn’t a typical awkward silence, to be honest, i was fucking glad we weren’t speaking. it was the best part of the night. you pulled into my driveway and i remember as i got out of the car saying, “text me whenever” before slamming the door and walking into my house, as you drove off. that was the last time we ever saw each other. 

i remember how quickly something i thought was going to be great, turned into a complete mess. a tornado of heartbreak and emotion, winding me up and spitting me back out onto the cold hard ground. i don’t think it is something i could ever forget. but fuck, we were so naive, i was completely in over my head. we called it “love” but we had only known each other for 3 weeks, i didn’t even know your favourite movie, or your childhood dreams. i never got to ask you about your deepest darkest thoughts, or where your safe place was. it wasn’t love, i quickly understood that. it was an illusion to mask the pending doom that was to come. 

i’m going to be real, you were awful. you know what i am talking about, all my friends know. but you were also awful within the little things that i never saw until afterwards. the pressure of sex, the quick temper, the harshness in your voice. you were cruel. and i think you knew that, i hope you knew that. you were my first kiss, my first relationship, my first dabble into sexual things, and its not that i hate that it was you, i hate the way you were. that being said i don’t regret the experience. honestly, i need to thank you for it. not for being awful because that doesn’t deserve a thank you it deserves more of a “i hope you grew as a person and stopped being a dick towards women” but i do need to thank you for what i have learned from this short bitter experience with you. for 1, i discovered my sexuality, yay! finally i became at peace with myself and how i truly feel and who i am. i don’t believe i would have had the chance to sort that out if it wasn’t for our little shit show. 2, our little shit show made me grow as a person and become more in touch with myself. i put walls in front of me and promised myself to never let anyone ever mess with my emotions again. i needed that, i needed that desperately. and 3, this experience taught me not to fall for people hard and fast. it taught me to take my time with a person, actually get to know them before biting the bullet and calling it a relationship. it taught me how to be a strong proud single woman and to not be ashamed of taking my time. i needed this little shit show of ours in order for me to have learned these things, it was a must. so thank you. thank you for giving me the chance to grow.

and i’m not writing this for your attention nor do i care if you ever read it, and it most certainly is not because i miss you, i am way over that. i am writing this for myself. because even though i am happy with who i am and am continuing to work on the parts of me that need fixing, i am still holding anger towards you. you still hold my anger and i hate that, i hate it so much. my anger is my strongest emotion, my weapon. it is my everything, it can break me. and you have bits of it. i am hoping that with writing this letter i will learn to let that go. to let you go and to let you remain as the past and to not let you haunt my future. this is for me. its time.

E, i hope you’re happy, truly. one day i hope to forgive you so i can be free from you completely. i have seen that you have found love, real love i hope. i hope she is able to give you what you desire and that you are nothing but kind and loving towards her. i hope it all works out for you, and i hope to continue to never ever see you again. 

sincerely, 

D

[bouquetofthorns]

Don’t Lie

if you had asked me a year ago if i was stable  i would say i was, while staggering  but if you asked me now  i’d say i am not  and i would be able to  walk in a straight line 

[bouquetofthorns]

And Now We Have Blue

i must have forgotten to clean my brushes  before painting you because reminiscences of him have started to colour you and i wonder if it’s too late to start over or if i should just let the chaos take over once more 

[bouquetofthorns]

Hopes For 2018

with the new year creeping up on us i wish nothing but happiness and comfort for you but i really, really hope i don’t hear your noise in this new journey 

[bouquetofthorns]

Thought Collector

drain my thoughts like you would if i were dead you come to collect all of my words that were left unsaid even though you are fully aware they don’t belong in greedy hands but in the end if that’s what makes you happy i guess you can have them all spread my mind pass it around don’t be shy if someone else finds something deep within that you were begging to hide i am an open book this story will never end good luck good riddance  i’m set free  laid out like a broken  masterpiece  on repeat i’ll repeat again