#both of them have done are doing and will done irreparable damage to the state of the world and the people in it

[totopopopo]

it’s so fucking joever

[ayamari-no-goshi]

As a healthcare professional and someone certified in first aid and CPR/basic life saving, I want to just point out how much I loath this panel from “Trinity”

This is gonna be a long post. But the summary is, both only are both things Bruce did to help Jason and the others who were possessed (cuz demon possession in this arc) were 1) not good ideas 2) probably wouldn’t have worked as described and 3) unnecessarily painful.

Firstly, the defibrillator and the medical inaccuracy. Bruce, you should know better than this.

They are not designed to restart hearts - this is a very common misconception worsened by medical dramas. They’re designed to disrupt potentially fatal arrhythmias that don’t allow the heart to properly pump blood (which makes it hard to detect a pulse or heartbeat) by shocking the heart and temporarily stopping the natural electrical signals telling the heart to pump in hopes the heart’s natural pacemaker will reset itself. Yes, the heart can stop beating during this - it’s why it’s so dangerous to use a defibrillator on a healthy person and why medical personnel cannot touch the person being shocked unless they’re holding the paddles. Also, this is often painful to the person being shocked.

If a patient is flatlining, it’s a sign there is no electrical activity, meaning the heart is not sending signals to pump. A defibrillator is not designed to be used in that situation and isn’t gonna do much. And the companies that make defibrillators have warnings that state using them in this situation may irreparably harm the person. It is difficult to get a person back from this - current recommendations are to start CPR in hopes the heart might decide to come back and/or to give adrenaline.

(As a side note here, some hospitals have devices that can stimulate cardiac contractions to assist with CPR. Those devices may also have defibrillators attached to them for easy access).

Secondly, Potassium Chloride (KCl) injections are well known for causing death. In general, increased levels of potassium in the body, even from supplements or medication, can cause severe and life threatening arrhythmias which can lead to death if untreated. We can argue here, Bruce used this injection to trigger an arrhythmia to allow him to temporarily stop a heart a defibrillator. This would actually make sense, but there’s a snag because it’s not that simple.

You have to treat the increase of potassium in the body. In the hospital, this is usually done with infusions of calcium and/or glucose and insulin (insulin levels and potassium levels are inversely proportional). You can’t just inject a person with KCl and assume you only need a defibrillator.

The current cocktail infusions used to stop hearts during surgery (referred to as Cardioplegia) do use potassium for that, but also have other components to limit other side effects and protect the heart from damage. Usually, the heart restarts on its own after the solution is removed. There are instances where mild localized shocks are needed which are nowhere as intense as those seen with defibrillators. Mind you, patients need to be on cardiopulmonary bypass while under the effects of Cardioplegia to prevent brain damage.

But the other big issue with this method of stopping the heart is that injections of KCl are excruciatingly painful. Due to how it affects the body and inflames the vascular nerves, you have medical texts that describe the damage as burns or mimicking burns - people who have dealt with this either intentionally or unintentionally have described it as feeling like their veins are on fire. Even diluted KCl infusions for medical purposes can be painful and unpleasant.

The fact Batman did this to his own son with the purpose of killing him without any sort of thing to help stop that pain, really, really bothers me.

Also, why would Bruce just have KCl concentrate injections????????

[kisha-myers]

Fem!reader - Ghost x König x reader fanfiction titled 'My Anxious Mouse'

Disclaimer: I do NOT own call of duty nor its characters/operators - I only own the plot.

If you want to be on the tag list for this series PLEASE comment on either chapter 1 or chapter 4 and let me know!

Chapter Seven: Dog Tags

Nightmares had always been rougher on you than most, your meticulous imagination having the ability to conjure up scenarios you'd only ever read about or seen on television making everything exponentially worse. You had felt the pain, felt the glass pierce through your flesh, felt it to such a degree that your own psyche rendered it into a full reality. A matrix of complexities, that is what your therapist called your mind, its depths of vivid renderings of the world as you knew it a beautiful catastrophe.

Journal after journal you had filled with finite details of every dream you had ever had, painting somber stories that gave your therapist, and ultimately Johnny as well, a rather unique and private dive into the far recesses of your mind. Your therapist, in particular, came to the conclusion that your vivid dreams were a reaction to the unintentional abuse you experienced at the hands of your overly protective father. Explaining that your mind always being in fight or flight mode had caused almost irreparable damage.

Johnny had disagreed, stating that even in your early years you had a very active and detailed imagination. He recalled a time when you were three and had a full blown conversation with your Teddy named Mozart. You had been expressing to the stuffed inanimate object your displeasure in their lack of response to your obvious important questions. Your mother had worried you weren't normal, having you undergo test after test only to find that every result had come back normal.

You leaned your head back against the wall, the cold and rather rough surface digging into your skin, helping to pull yourself back to actuality. Johnny had helped you move from the bed to the floor on the other side of room, your overwhelmingly warm body welcoming the chill that raised goosebumps on your arm. Here you both had sat in comfortable silence, you once again fighting a raging war inside your head whilst Johnny sat next to you brooding.

"He never wanted to leave you alone with him lass. Never wanted to leave any of you alone with him." Johnny's voice broke the silence, drawing your e/c orbs to his, watching the emotions flicker through the expanse of his cerulean depths. You watched the way his jaw clenched, hearing the slightly click of his teeth snapping together. His nostrils flared bitterly as he forced in a rather uncharacteristically deep breath. His right hand carefully came up to the collar of his black t-shirt, his fingers dipping under it for a moment before returning, only to have clasped within the standard issued silver dog tags.

You watched Johnny, watched as he struggled to find the right words to say, to depict to you everything both he and Dante wanted to convey. You sympathized with him, knowing how hard it was to speak about someone you both had loved, to express to those who still lived how much he had loved them all. You'd done this very thing with your sisters, fighting so damn hard to not fall apart whilst comforting them.

"Dante he... fuck he wanted you to go with him so badly, wanted to whisk you away from Kevin with every fiber in his being. He adored you lass, never shut up about you - always goin' on about how smart yoy were, 'my sister is a genius boys, she's gotten onto the deans list - she's going places once she graduates, and none of you are good enough for her so don't even try it!'." He mimicked, raising his voices pitch slightly failing to sound anything remotely like your brother Dante. You both shared a bittersweet laugh, your head looking slightly to the right and resting against his shoulder, your left hand stretching across the both of you to pat his knee.

"Dante was always one to brag - loved one upping the boys. He boasted in his letters too, about all the kudos he'd gotten from his superiors, about the medals he got - fuck do I miss reading about all of it." You whispered, voice wavering as your lips trembled, "Getting those random video calls home through Skype - fuck those kept me going. I didn't care about what Dad said, what he forced me into - just being able to see that dork made it worth it... hearing him say how proud he was of me, of my accomplishments... It meant everything to me." A wayward tear slipped past your waterline, the fat salty drop crashing against your cooled skin, the remnants of it a stained street against your cheek.

Johnny sighed, his left arm coming up onto your shoulders and drawing you closer into his side, "He loved all of you so much n/n. Shit, when he found out you got your black belt he went around for a solid week telling everyone who'd listen that you could kick all their asses - even during PT he'd be popping off about it." You snorted at that, the image of your brother running a mile whilst he boasted about you making you shake your head. You knew Johnny wasn't lying, having witnessed it firsthand on the Skype calls you'd gotten - he was nothing if not smug about you.

'Not everyone can be blessed with a badass sister like you, y/n.' He'd say whenever you'd shy from his compliments and absolutely ridiculous bragging, begging him to stop as you'd be overwhelmed with embarrassment. You never believed you were anything special, stating how many others in your martial arts class had gotten theirs as well, some even earlier than you. 'They're not you, y/n, they can't kick ass the way you do ' He'd retort back, that smug smirk on his face as he'd kick his tan boot clad feet onto whomevers desk he had commandeered at the time. You'd simply roll her eyes, flip him the bird and then laugh, changing the subject before carrying on with the call.

Your raised your right hand carefully, letting your fingers wrap around Dante's dog tags, your thumb caressing the engraved metal with a reverence Johnny had never seen you have.

CPL Romero, Dante E.

87301182

KIA July 16th, 2010

"He died a hero." You whispered, rising up to your knees and with deft hands removing your brothers dog tags from around Johnny's neck, and in doing so, placing them around yours. Your fingers glided over the metal, tracing each letter with the love you still harbored for your deceased brother, the tears that had gathered in your eyes simply free falling like somber raindrops.

"Aye, that he did." Johnny murmured, watching the way your lips slowly turned up in the corners, the beginnings of a sad and worn smile spreading across them. Your eyes met his, a small snicker escaping from between rose tinged lips as your hand reached out to caress the side of his face, your thumb swiping just below his injured eye.

You'd registered Johnny was hurt after you had calmed from your nightmare, the bruising just beginning to form around his left eye and the way he favored his right side the subtle indicators of such. You shook your head as you retracted your hand, slapping your thigh once with a small huff as you stood and crossed your arms, letting Dante's dog tags rest against your chest.

"You look like shit - who'd you piss off this time you cheeky sergeant?" You asked, your eyebrows raising in questioning. You took note of the way his Adam's apple bobbed, casting his eyes away from yours and looked off towards the door. Your nervousness returned, wondering if there was a threat to not only his safety, but yours as well lingering on base. He refused to meet your eyes as he spoke, opting to focus on a particular dark spot on the floor just near the foot of the bed.

"The Lieutenant. He heard how I stood you up - said I deserved to have a wee lesson on how to be a proper gentleman. Really showed me how I fucked up - I want to apologize n/n, I really didn't mean to do that to you of all people. Dante would have knocked me on my ass for sure." He grumbled, his right hand coming up to gently poke and prod his own face, wincing slightly from the jolt of pain he felt crash through his sinuses. You snorted, finding the image of your six foot two wall of muscle brother hefting the Scot up and yeeting him onto a sparring mat hilarious. You once again shook your head, bracing your hands onto your thighs and bending your knees slightly as you leaned forwards, offering Johnny your signature pearly white filled smile. Dante's dog tags swung gently from around your neck, catching his eyes for a moment before he finally connected with your gaze.

Your eyes softened, your smile turning tender as you reached your right hand out and squeezed his shoulder, "I forgive you Johnny. Just don't do it again or I will kick your ass instead of your Lieutenant, got it Soldier man?" You scolded playfully, raising your left hand up and extending your index finger to point menacingly at him, your other fingers curling into your palm. You gave him a stern look before pulling away entirely, standing to your full height and placing your hands onto your hips, making sure he knew you were serious even through your playfulness.

A throat clearing from the doorway captured both of your attentions, both of your heads snapping up in sync to see whom intruded on your intimate moment. Ghost stood there, gloved hands shoved into the pocket of his jeans, hazel eyes solely focused on you, specifically at your brother's dog tags that hung from your neck. Your body reacted before your mind could register what it was doing, moving on its own accord to close the distance between the two of you. Your right hand came up to grasp the chain in-between your fingers, raising them up to be just about level with your chin. You let him scan the information that was engraved on them, a soft mournful smile making its way onto your lips as you stared up at him.

"Thank you, Lieutenant, for teaching him what it means to be a gentleman. I don't necessarily agree with your methods, but I'm grateful to you nonetheless." You breathed out, letting the dog tags drop against your chest before your arms wrapped around his waist securely, your face being buried into his chest as you inhaled his cologne deeply. You felt his muscles stiffen, felt the way he froze - you were sure he wasn't used to such displays of affection, let alone physical touch in this way solely based off of his current reaction.

You pulled away from him slowly, your eyes alight with mirth as you smiled up at him. You could tell he tried to remain stoic, his face beneath the mask set to complete indifference though his eyes said differently. Eyes, you decided, were the windows into one's soul, showing you the deepest, unfiltered, unrefined pieces of thenselves. This was the case for Ghost. His face may be a covered indifference, his eyes were buzzing with unspoken emotions.

Confusion, shock, wonderment, uncomfortable vulnerability - so many conflicting emotions that both annoyed and intrigued him. You were so tiny, but the way you spoke and joked with Soap, it left him wanting... wanting you to do the same with him. You felt, fuck you had felt perfect against him, soft and warm, squeezing him in the best way that lead his mind to wander down path that would surely get his ass handed to him by not only Soap, but by Price as well.

Johnny had known you all your life, taking over Dantes role the moment he passed, ensuring that everyone on the team, Gaz especially, knew you were completely off-limits. Ghost would be lying to himself if he said he didn't find you attractive even back then. The pictures you'd send Johnny, on summer vacation in the Bahamas with your mom or backpacking through Europe with your little sisters - it overloaded his senses. Your smile was addicting, and when you'd looked up at him in fear that first time whilst he exited the elevator, a piece of him crumbled.

Guilt ate away at him the same way acid would do skin, making his muscles tense even further. This wasn't fair to König, he'd fully committed to the gentle giant, and to be thinking so many inappropriate thoughts about you... He swallowed hard, opting to pull free his left hand and pat your heard awkwardly like you were a mere child. He simply grunted half heartedly in response to your words, glancing over at Johnny who had a shit eating grin spread across his busted face.

You swatted Ghost hand away playfully, grumbling under your breath about how just because you were short, didn't mean you were a child. Ghost suppressed his chuckle, deciding to give the both of you a wave as he retracted his hand and turned to leave the room. He'd have to talk to König, to explain where his mind had gone and to offer an apology for thinking such things.

You watched as he left, heart hammering within your chest as your eyes immediately went to land on his rather voluptuous backside. Yes, you declared within your mind, you could get used to watching him walk away. Your face bloomed crimson, your hands coming up to scrub at your face furiously as you tried to get those thoughts out of your mind. Johnny's roaring laughter startled you, making you jump and whip around to face him with narrowed eyes as he took in your flushed features.

"Oh God! You have a wee crush on my Lieutenant! Dante would have a fuckin' stroke if he saw what I just did. Oh Lass, you surely know how to pick 'em!" His laughter only worsened, tears bursting forth from his eyes as you flipped him off and went to climb back into his bed, cursing his existence. You closed your eyes, throwing the scratchy blanket over your head as you tried to drown out his ruckus. Yes, you agreed, you did have a crush on his Lieutenant, but you also surmised that you liked his giant of a companion as well.

You had no idea what this day would bring, but you only hoped it would be decent - preferably with you being able to return to you apartment to shower and change. Oh you were in for quite the adventure, and you didn't even know it.

Author's Note: I genuinely hope you all enjoy this one, I feel like it's rushed and blah - I'll probably end up going over and editing it/adding to it at a later date. Anyways, I'm so thankful you're all sticking with this, I genuinely didn't expect anyone to actually like it enough to continue it 😅 I am pleasantly surprised!

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[dearreader]

i really liked the seven husbands of evelyn hugo and i had no idea it was an unpopular opinion on tumblr until now 😭 that being said, i do want to know why (in your opinion) it's so hated bc i'd like to understand

uhhhhh i can’t fully answer why it’s hated here. i did like it at first but over time i just realized it’s not the best.

1. taylor jenkins reid got evelyns ethnicity wrong as i saw someone point out that where she says she’s from her family would drink rum and not tequila (if i remember right)

2. i personally don’t like how she handled celia’s character over time. she spent the majority of the book being biphobic and insecure that evelyn would leave her then she is just accepting of evelyn being bi right at the end. i understand it was a different time but we weren’t really given any like formal conversation about it and it feels very… cheap i guess to just throw it in at the end. (im also just really tired of seeing sapphic relationships where one party is insecure the other would leave her for a man but that’s a whole other can of worms)

3. i don’t like how connor hugo (i think that’s her name, it’s evelyn and harry’s daughter) was treated. she was a very minor character and we only see her in chunks and it’s her being stable before harry dies, her being a wild child after his death, evelyn literally telling her she’s gay and so was her dad and they had a lavender marriage only for her to say “i don’t care please just get out”, then she becomes buddy buddy with celia’s brother and magically all her issues that are from her fathers death are solved. like that’s a fine arc but we weren’t shown any of that and she in my opinion should’ve had more story time. but the point of the biography is to talk about her relationships so it wouldn’t really come up

4. i think TJR handled celia’s biphobia poorly (as stated before) but i also think she handled evelyns reaction to it poorly. like it might’ve just been evelyn assigning blame to herself in grief but the second time they broke up stemmed a lot more from celia being insecure about evelyn leaving her for a man rather than evelyn not fully considering celia’s feeling like when she married mick riva in vegas. like yes, evelyn should’ve said she was going to have sex with him but her being so fucking upset that she was planning on doing a quickie wedding to keep suspicions off them having an affair and RUINING both their lives feels really fucking weird. like yes, they shouldn’t have had to hide their relationship like celia says, but celia should be very well acquainted with what would happen to them and their careers if they’re found out. but again in my opinion celia’s reaction to that was more due to, how TJR says it, celia viewed evelyn as “a lesbian when she was happy and a straight woman when she was upset”. the second time though i’ll give more evelyn credit on her saying it’s primarily her fault since she should told celia she was going to do a sex scene with her ex husband, but celia still being so hurt and offended about harry and evelyn having sex so evelyn could get pregnant (to once again AVOID SUSPICION THAT THEYRE GAY) to the point she wouldn’t let evelyn do things for her job and career because it made her insecure doesn’t leave a good taste in my mouth. like the biphobia should’ve been explored a lot more and feels oddly used at times.

5. this book has done irreparable damage to gaylors/kaylors as a lot of them now think this somehow proves taylor swift is gay and will one day come out ala evelyn hugo style and have just now assumed she closeted despite taylor saying she’s straight and uncomfortable by people saying she’s dating/fucking her friends (like REPEATEDLY). so i personally don’t like the book for that reason too

that’s all i can think of and i’m running late ti get ready for work now but if i think of anymore i can add to this (full disclosure haven’t read this book since 2021 and i did enjoy it at first)

[misculenica]

Guilt, Pride, and a little Bitterness on the Side

Long post - evaluation/exploration of Solas and a more negative-leaning take of his character. (coming from a diehard solavellan fan)

Something I've not really seen in the DA fandom, is the fact that, regardless of approval level/romance, Solas must just really hate Inky.

Allow me to explain, my dear lovelies:

Looking at it from Solas' pov; his plan for the orb at the beginning of the game goes to hell real fast. Hundreds, if not thousands of people die (horrifically, painfully, screaming) because of a situation He created.

But it's not just his fuck up/miscalculation - it's Inky's. The one survivor of the explosion, the one who foiled the plan to tear down the veil, the one who stole his power (we can consider it was an accident/coincidence, and Solas probably recognises it as that, but damn. If it were me in his shoes, I would be rather malcontent about that).

Yes, we may also consider this is a lucky break for Solas - he has another option laid out before him, and all he has to do is make himself appear useful and relatively harmless to keep close by for the eventual snatcheroo of the foci.

There's a messed up connection between Solas and the Inquisitor there - every death, every ounce of suffering and heartbreak is both of your faults. You're bound in blood, as it were - for an catastrophic event neither of you anticipated.

I imagine he has a great deal of guilt over this throughout the game - he's fucked over the world again - and he's got some random person caught in the middle, someone he's forced into a position of power (someone who is either a horrible person ready to take power, or a perfectly fine person who is likely to do horrific things that will tear them apart inside and out). He's corrupted you, essentially. He's not only harmed/killed countless people. He's made you the one responsible, he's making you into a puppet, puppeteer, and a monster. -- Again, from his perspective, he fully expects that power corrupts absolutely - he's hurting you on multiple levels.

Additionally, we're going to have to look at this on a broader level to get a grasp on the scale of this.

The events of the Conclave - tearing open the veil, causing rifts across Thedas - it's damaging the world and the Fade (sending animals into a frenzy, bringing demons through, making whole areas uninhabitable). Physical beings are being put in mortal peril, but we have to consider that so are spirits.

We know Solas favours the Fade/Spirits to the waking world and mortal beings. He outright states it on several occasions.

And we know that the Breach and the rifts force spirits and demons through, and drive them insane as a result (even Cole appears to have panic attacks over the rifts on occasion).

Allow me to put it more tangibly;

Wisdom, Solas' friend.

I think that chapter of the story is what highlights his bitterness/guilt the best - if not his entire character.

All I can ever think during this scene is this; if Inky hadn't been at the Conclave, his friend wouldn't have died. If Solas hadn't given his orb to Corypheus, his friend wouldn't have died.

It's his fault she's gone, and it's your fault too.

I'm always reminded of this scene at the end of the game when I think of Solas and his mentality. In this scene, he's- well- this man is fucked up.

He says 'it is not your fault' and you can tell he's meaning it's his. But I can still see it in there; he wants to blame Inky, he wants it not to be his fault, and the voice acting really convinces me of that (bless you Gareth David Lloyd). But he can't, because it all comes down to him and his countless mistakes (and terrible luck, like seriously, I think the universe has a personal grudge against this man).

That expression says guilt, shame, regret, bitterness. This is a man whose every effort has proved in vain- all the suffering, death and irreparable destruction. Everything he's done to you, it's all his fault - because he thought he was the smartest guy in the room, he's the only one who can fix everything because he's so prideful and experienced.

Now consider if you were his friend, if you were his goddamn vhenan. It cuts real deep.

Solas is a man who's been tested time and time again, and every time he's been found wanting.

He's a complex, compelling character (that I love absolutely), and he's objectively a terrible fucking person, and he knows it. Everything he touches burns, everything he tries to fix he makes worse, any advice he offers eventually turns bitter, and he knows it.

I'll leave you with this;

[saturnssz]

Some stans absolutely do act like sn is still the majority, I was actually disappointed and confused that I kept running into so much ns lmaoo. They stay whining and complaining about girly naruto that straight women self insert into as if current ns isn't just that but reversed. Only thing is its probably less about being attracted to naruto and more wanting to be taken care of since thats what ns content centers around. The dynamic is always naruto somewhat taking care of or babying traumatized (quiet/fragile/subdued or tsundere supreme who refuses to ask for help) sasuke who takes up cooking/gardening or generally starts to act like a housewife.

There's sooo much content treating sasuke like a girl but for them it's justified because of the yin-yang dynamic. Ns stans draw for literally anything to make sasuke feminine but sn stans are still the cringe self insert devils. Can you imagine sn stans using boruto and sarada as proof for who's "the girl" in the relationship.

Idk which editor or whoever called sasuke the heroine but they've done irreparable damage, and that one shot manga mario or something too. Then there's posts saying sasuke is naruto's kushina and taking jabs at "Naruto self inserts" saying the popular naruto-kushina sasuke-minato isn't the way kishimoto sees it as if them and kishimoto know eachother.

I stumble upon ns fics sometimes and their descriptions of naruto as some (insert masculine adjective), sweaty, rough etc etc is so.. 😭 I've never read sn fics where sasuke is described like that. Don't even get me started on the way they draw him in fanart sometimes where naruto is broad and thick while sasuke is slim with the thinnest waist. If you follow ns stans you'd think sasuke was this sassy dainty twink or hinata 2.0. It's like they're so caught up in the symbolism and couple comments from creators they forget there's more to the characters and start pushing them into boxes, mainly the masculine/feminine active/passive ones.

Sorry for the long rant I've just seen too much 😭

Anon! If you're seeing this answer please follow me or send me a message you're so fucking funny. And you're right. Not gonna over it again cause I explained myself to other anons. But it's totally true, this is the state this shipping fandom is in and I want no part in it. I got like, most of them blocked by now and I dont regret it lol!! A bunch of hypocrites. It feels like now that I've spoken out a lot of people feel the same way so it makes me feel as if I know what I'm talking about 😭 I ain't the only one seeing this shit lmao. Like lemme see what you're seeing, cause I ain't seeing it unless I go look for post in 2014. And you're right about the fics too. Modern ones always make sure to point out that they're both pretty. Like he's ethereal, but they get it sorta way. At this point, they're what they fear and vilify those who like sasunaru more. They won't ever shut up about us, too, like they're still in 2010....youre like almost 30 move on. Oh the irony...

And on top of that, that dumbass "kushina parallel" gotta be one of my biggest peeves. NO READING COMPREHENSION. Take off the shipping googles for the n*rus*su stans and see that Naruto IS compared to his mother. Like what the hell?? 😭 They both have the dattebayo tick, they're both firey, outgoing and strong in their own right. Minato, his fucking dad outright states, "wow, you look a lot like your mother!" Does he have to have red hair to make it ANY more apparent? And I don't like naruhina, more dislike/neutral, but even in that boruto illustration Naruto was the one MIMICKING his mother while Hinata was Minato. Like ain't no way you despise the thought so much you start making up things. No, that does not mean he's super femme now, just that he takes after his mother in personality and looks. He's his mother, sasuke...idk. he doesn't fit Minato in my opinion LOL. You done got me heated, one of my most hated posts omg 😭 went on a tangent sorry about that

[gunsli-01]

Whelp since Mu isn't going to be on trial until January that means no Mikoto anytime soon booo- Though that also means no Kotoko either. So, while I procrastinate writing that exceptionally long Mikoto examination. Let’s go over Anti Beat in comparison to Harrow and the information that has been gathered on Kotoko so far.

TL;DR/Just want the Theory- Kotoko killed people she was actively involved with getting acquitted in the first place. She's no vigilante or hero. She was cleaning up a mess she more than likely was an active participant in prolonging. That's why her and Mikoto are paired both their murders are work related, vindictive, and filled with an undertone of disillusionment. This would also explain things like how she had the means and experience to gather information in the way she's shown to be doing in her mv.

Also, since this is buried so deep in this analysis, I'm putting it up here. This perfectly captures my feelings towards Mikoto and Kotoko and understanding of their motivations.

"That rug you stepped on had a heart, that back you climbed up on had a name, dreams, hopes and if those are the things you're going to trample on I'll drag you to floor with me."

Yes, I'm quoting myself it's eight pm and I've been writing this since eleven in the morning. On top of that I think this is the best thing I typed in this whole analysis.

So, Let's get started with that comparison.

Anti Beat: “My back gets itchy when you try to put your arms around me. Those eyes that look on me so kindly, can I gouge them out? Plucked from their sockets, please hang them for all to see. Painfully unpleasant, come and receive this punishment for loving me.”

Harrow: “I can’t forgive the evil hurting the weak. It’s unforgiveable, I won’t allow it, I sweared*.”

*These are what the English subtitles say on the video though the proper word at the end would be swore not sweared. Swore is the past tense of swear as in to promise, vow, or give an oath to do something. Which is possibly the intended connotation in this case. Since we know Kotoko was studying law because during her first trial fan interrogation she's asked What did you study in university? To which she answers, "Technically, I'm studying law. Though, I'm on a break right now because there's something else I want to do."

How she can afford this break and buying information at the same time and renting out a warehouse for her giant ass conspiracy board is beyond me though. So, she may have sworn an oath something that is commonly done here in the US but I am uncertain about this being the case in Japan.

However, The Japanese Federation of Bar Associations website states "The Attorney Act specifies the mission of attorneys as “protecting fundamental human rights and achieving social justice.” In other words, attorneys shall not only render services in the interests of their clients, but also endeavor to protect human rights and achieve social justice through their practices."

Harrow: “How heavy, is the damage to get in the way of someone’s dream? I’ll gouge you out with my fangs.”

Remember that disillusionment brought up in the TL;DR. It's very telling that Kotoko's attacks, and her song start after her blindfold falls off and she looks directly at the audience as. In this case it could be us, society overall, or both. It wouldn't be a stretch to say she holds disdain towards this world of hypocrites that promote the ideas of justice without fully committing. The same with us/Milgram holding her there even though she fully believes what she did was right because no one else was going to do it.

The justice system was fundamentally and irreparably flawed, she saw that with her own eyes. So, people too weak to protect themselves should just shut up and stop getting in her way. I mean she's just trying to save them after all. This is showcased through her handling of guilty prisoners. She wasn't trying to punish them or holding back she was trying to give them their death sentence. Cause she knows feeling remorse and being apologetic in the moment doesn't mean people won't offend again. So, why show any mercy if the guard can't forgive them but can forgive her than that's enough to tell her these people aren't worth anything.

This is something also noted in her song through lyrics like “I’ll teach you the pain you caused. It’s a tie after saying sorry? What are you hoping for? Shall we replace the poor soul, and the miserable delusion ‘I didn’t mean to offend’, ‘I won’t do it again’. How many wins in a row?”

Yet, also note that the blindfold doesn't come off all the way instead it rests firmly on her neck highlighting that now she's in control of when she puts it on or takes it off. She decides what she looks at or not if these things are worth it to her.

This is why Kotoko answers, "That's a hard one. I'm only able to answer based on my guess on what they did. But I think the one that probably resembles me the most is Futa. Though he's also the person who resembles me the least." when asked which other prisoner she believes resembles her the most. Because Futa like her has a strong since of justice but still attempts to work within and use the law when possible. He's the first to bring up his legal rights while Kotoko someone who was studying the law doesn't even bother to.

To add to this defeated since of disillusionment/deluded dichotomy we've got going there's a wolf pelt rug at Kotoko's feet. Something made from a skinned and defeated wolf. technically a shell of its former self and a decoration to be trampled over. Reawakened solely through her indignant rage. It's also important to note that the first thing that Kotoko looks at in her mv is that pelt rug.

It seems for some reason or another something stopped Kotoko from pursuing lawfully like she intended to. That or the position she sought turned out to be nothing like she anticipated or wanted. More than likely the latter given that Mikoto's voice line before the first trial is "My life it wasn't supposed to be this way." in contrast to hers which is "This feels so good." Her second voice line is something along the lines of the weak should just stay quiet and let me protect them.

So, chances are she likes what she's doing now far more in comparison to what she used to be doing. This could also explain why she didn't get the police involved when she saw the girl getting kidnapped and instead left to change clothes just to come back an unspecified amount of time later. Yes, this is something she clearly does within her mv. Yes, I wonder how she got voted innocent in the first round too. Honestly, even if I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt on this it's expressly shown through her mv this is what she does.

She sees the girl get abducted in a completely different set of clothes during a cloudy day then comes back later in her beating outfit and lays into the guy. The passage of time is further illustrated by the fact it's shown to be raining when she's giving us a very clear reenactment of how I assume Mikoto was folding Es and how she would if she wasn't physically incapable of doing so.

Yet, the scene in the mv can really come off as though she just went, “Hm this child is in immediate danger... Oh, no I can’t save her in my civilian clothes! I must go change. Hopefully during the commute to change out of my shorts jacket and hat into my hoody workpants and mask nothing happens to this innocent clearly in a time sensitive situation child. I see no reason to confront this person now, call the authorities, or even literally just go oh my gosh what are you doing is this man related to you young girl in order to throw him off enough that the girl can possibly just run away. Yes, this is the best course of action.”

Speaking of her "wait for it" mentality- Yeah, I bet you thought I just brought up Mikoto because I have a problem and you'd be right but no this time there was a purpose. It was to show that this isn't the only instance in which this aspect of her character has been highlighted. She watches Mikoto kick Es around like a ragdoll to gauge how strong he is and probably plan out the best way to combat him. It's also highlighted in one of the minigrams where Kazui is playing that word game and seemingly getting bullied. She tells the wolf to wait because she doesn't know if it's necessary for her to intervene just yet.

Yet, if Kotoko for some reason had inside knowledge or an understanding through personal experience that the person would not be held accountable even if the authorities were called then that would at least explain her reluctance to do that. Even making her appear more favorable to her detractors while still making it a bit more difficult to fully support her overall.

Anti-Beat: “This rice tastes terrible having just kissed you. The atmosphere is terrible when you are nearby. Thinking about ‘I love you’ reminds me of that nauseous feeling. Just being near you turns me into a different person. Yeah, I tried telling you this so many times. How is it? The taste of these sins.”

Harrow: “Becoming light-headed again, it all becomes crazy. The normalcy sought for, fading away every time death comes the soul moves forward.”

That feeling you get when something bad happens and you know it could've been stopped. That defeated look of if they just didn't give them a slap on the wrist becoming a determined what are you going to do about it now. That feeling of pushing back after being pushed down in a well-planned act of retaliation.

Just going- That rug you stepped on had a heart, that back you climbed up on had a name, dreams, hopes and if those are the things you're going to trample on I'll drag you to floor with me.

Mikoto and Kotoko are truly on that good revenge shit that just makes my blood boil thinking about it.

Just that look of how could a system I believed in continue to let this happen. Then people go she's just a girlboss innocent without thinking about it anymore than that. Come on now...

Anti Beat: “I want to lose that ‘borrowed’ expression of mine already. It’s gradually reaching its limit, this world where you exist. What part of me do you like? If you tell me, I’ll do anything for you. If I’m told ‘I love all of you every single part’, I’ll just be filled with hate.”

Harrow: “Newly born. It’s ok to dislike, right? Losing it, losing it, losing it. What should I hope for? Goodnight. Laugh and I can get to like myself.”

If you consider that borrowed expression as it could pertain to a borrowed sense of justice or beliefs instilled into a person through society or the environment, they were raised within. This scene in Harrow could be interpreted as Kotoko shedding off society's understanding of justice and creating one that's uniquely her own.

Anti Beat: “I absolutely detest the ‘me’ which loves you. Listen to this selfishness of mine.” “Hey, hey every time you smile these heartbeats of mine double in speed. All that you’ve done for me, all that you’ve given me, it just, it just… Hey, hey where the heck is that ‘hole’ of yours I was searching for. All that you’ve done for me, all that you’ve given me, it has turned me into such a mess. Everything is just such a mess.”

Kotoko was asked the question "Have you ever personally been persecuted in the past?" to which she answered "I haven't. Are you trying to say that if you haven't had those experiences, you can't hate evildoers?" Meaning there's not much room to doubt or debate that the very system that Kotoko believed in is one she in some ways recognizes directly benefited her in ways that it didn't others. Possibly even understanding that in ways it will always be there to cushion certain blows for her if she behaves in a certain way. She even states that she'd act more femininely or get a lover if the circumstances required her to do so as well.

So, it's not a stretch to say she believes anyone without those same privileges is weaker than her and should just be quiet and let her defend them from all the evildoers looking to take advantage of them. Because of this self-perceived privilege, she could in her own way be attempting to even out the playing field.

Again, when asked which prisoners she doesn't get along with she says, "Mikoto. He's loud and bothersome." Not the first complaint we've seen about Mikoto being loud his room is in between Kotoko's and Amane's. We see Amane bring a noise complaint to Es as well. What we'll be focusing on is the bothersome point.

Outside of telling Kotoko to wish him a happy birthday cause everyone else did and it would annoy him to no end if everyone, but one person said it which personally is not an off request in the slightest to me. No, understand I will die on this hill that was the most normal response to that shit. Come on Kotoko we're all stuck here it's two words stop fucking around; I wanna go to bed not lay in bed all night like why the fuck didn't she say it.

Like I'm sorry this could just be a me thing- like I did just recently get diagnosed with generalized anxiety, adhd, and autism. Especially fun experience since I just went in there because I wanted to know if I had autism. So, pardon my oncoming tangent.

A bit of me is saying it might be an anxiety thing but I've kind of always been like this even before I had these diagnoses so let's keep it trucking ma'am- You have me all the way fucked up. I'm not fucking around with the laying in bed in pitch darkness thoughts creeping up on me with a bat like hey she didn't tell you happy birthday what was up with that like mother fucker just say it! It's two fucking words! It's not even bothersome. Why were you being rude to begin with? Let's start there.

If you have an issue with me, you can say it to my face and then maybe we can take it outside but don't fuck around with me like this. That shit is just highly annoying! Don't get me wrong it's fucking fine if half of the people said it or a quarter that's respectable. Yet, all but one?! Like you saw people coming up to me all day saying happy birthday and just decided fuck me, huh? All these birthday wishes, and you couldn't just go oh that's today happy birthday?

It had to get this far, really?! Tell me what the fuck did I do to you? On the day of my fucking birth. Oh, my fucking god if I weren't a very dedicated, self-controlled pacifist I would fuck you up you are walking on a thin line of patience that people have been jump-roping with for a long time now and once it snaps, I am not liable for anything that happens to you. Like that shit was annoying and uncalled for and fuck it this is my blog I have the right to vent about that shit. Okay that feels better moving forward.

Outside of that very normal response Mikoto had, why would Kotoko dislike him? Simple because Mikoto just might remind her not of who she once was like Futa but of who she is now. Someone blindly stumbling about listening to the orders of other people instead of doing things she wants to do herself. This isn't a dig at Mikoto but an attempt at understanding Kotoko's perspective on him and why she finds him so bothersome. It's easy to be bothered by someone if they literally bring to the forefront everything you don't want to engage with or give the time of day to mentally.

This is an issue of contention not just with Mikoto and Kotoko but with Mikoto and mostly everyone here. Particularly the girls Yuno has called him out for seemingly always forcing a smile, Mahiru said he seems like a cheater, Kotoko said this shit. Futa treats him the same as he treats Haruka despite Mikoto quite literally being multiple years older than him. Like homie he'll be fine he's had a job, he's had to deal with multiple stressful situations before this, he has communication skills at a higher level than most of you guys. He can easily hold conversation with most people here including Kazui and Shidou. Some of you are just kind of rude to add to that his communication skills and behavior were so normal that Milgram couldn't even tell anything was wrong with the guy at all.

Jackalope flat out stated when this started in Es' voice drama, "Mikoto Kayano. Male. No unique features about him. So, I don't have much to comment on. He's kind of like mass-produced goods."

This is the translation on the English subbed YouTube video of it I found but it's easier to say that Jackalope was saying that Mikoto is a dime a dozen a saying that means not rare and easy to come by. Usually used in statements such as people like them are a dime a dozen to denote that someone is not unique or special and are instead easily and cheaply replaced. You know, like mass-produced goods are.

So, not a lot of people were accurately able to pin down Mikoto. However, Kotoko was. She was fairly certain Mikoto had dissociative identity disorder before his trial started even positing the idea to Es. Yet, despite being aware of this circumstance just kind of goes I still don't like you. Though it could actively be because of this fact that she finds him bothersome cause she's unsure of how to handle him and his presence is notably dangerous unknown to her. Still, it isn't that difficult to believe she could also just be like I don't like you cause you make me recall stuff that annoys me.

Like Mikoto really does just seem to have the terrible misfortune of literally just mirroring people's insecurities right back at them by existing and everybody is making that his fucking fault like the issue isn't them. Like I'm sorry you're reading into his actions and mannerisms he didn't ask you to read them this is like a series of unfortunate events there was a warning you continued forward whatever happens to you now is on you. Yet, while Mikoto has that weird effect Kotoko has the exact opposite issue instead of making people see the worst in themselves she's more than happy to always see the worst in others.

Even when there's more good in them than bad. Now for me personally I don't believe that's the best way to live but I can kind of understand where she's coming from given everything that could have gone on with her. Yeah, this was long it's ten at night now this probably has spelling errors but that's it I'm going to bed. No one's probably ever gonna read this all but if someone does I meant every word of that tangent. Sure it was fueled by tiredness but that was some fucked up shit she did I'm gonna pass out now.

[jpenvs3000w23]

The Importance of Interpreting History

There is no peculiar merit in ancient things, but there is merit in integrity, and integrity entails the keeping together of the parts of any whole, and if these parts are scattered throughout time, then the maintenance of integrity entails a knowledge, a memory, of ancient things. …. To think, feel or act as though the past is done with, is equivalent to believing that a railway station through which our train has just passed, only existed for as long as our train was in it. (Edward Hyams, Chapter 7, The Gifts of Interpretation)

This quote is about the importance of history and that it cannot be neglected, but also states that there is no merit in ancient things which is kind of confusing, lets's unpack it. 

In the first part of the quote Hyams says there is no merit in ancient things, this I do not agree with, I believe there is great importance on ancient objects not just events, people, or knowledge. Objects help us visually see history and connect with it. They are also very important for interpretation and give interpreters the opportunity to create stories and engage with audiences. Beck et al. state living history is “an attempt to accurately replicate the past through the use of a  physical  environment  and  the  sights,  sounds,  and  smells  of  the  period  being  represented” (2018). This shows the importance of historical objects and how interpretation through exploration and storytelling is one of the best ways to engage audiences in history. Living history is, for both the interpreters and viewers, an immersive, educational, fun, enriching, and imaginative way to learn about history, and is a great way for interpreters to engage with audiences. There are two main ways that interpreters can deliver living history, through first-person and third-person interpretation (Beck et al., 2018). First-person is when the interpreter is portraying a specific person and third-person is when the interpreter is explaining the scene or life of someone as an outsider (Beck et al., 2018). Living history relies on “ancient things” such as objects, clothes, ancient sites, and more, to help interpreters tell an enriching story. 

Now to unpack the second part of the quote, which I agree with, “To think, feel or act as though the past is done with, is equivalent to believing that a railway station through which our train has just passed, only existed for as long as our train was in it.” Some people are less interested in the social, political, and storytelling of history, but these are important, even more so than the physical artifacts because they were the result of human decisions and actions, which can be repeated. There are many good and bad things that have happened throughout history, either with or without malicious intent. Let's look at a current political and social issue, woman's bodily autonomy, specifically abortion, and Roe v. Wade. In the recent past, in 1900s-70s, it was illegal for women to have abortions. And because of this women in the thousands would seek unsafe abortions, and unfortunately, this led to many women having irreparable damage done to their reproductive organs, causing them to be severely ill, and many women died. This was the norm at that time even though it was wrong and we now know the negative effects it had on women. So, women fought, they fought for years for their rights and “won.” And yet the United States has now regressed and is now allowing state governments to deny women the right to bodily autonomy, and indirectly giving men (majority of the people in government) the right to control their bodies. That was a bit of a side tangent, BUT I want to explain how this pertains to interpretation. This is a case where interpretation has “failed” to show audiences and society the wrongful ways of the past and how these actions should not be repeated. And so unfortunately history has repeated itself, and people are now again suffering. Interpretation can and should be more heavily used to describe and immerse people in the past so they can learn, and make better decisions about the future. 

This week I did not use any specific nature examples but the principles are the same and can be applied when interpreting nature in the past. Some examples are looking at colonization and today and examining issues such as deforestation, overfishing, and abuse of the land.

Beck, L., Cable, T. T., & Knudson, D. M. (2018). Interpreting cultural and natural heritage: for a better world. Sagamore Venture.

[p0ck3tp03t]

Rampant Thoughts 62.

Panic and Stutter

Unseen by the Sun, I sit between four walls facing a slow decline in stability. Thoughts run amok, hitting walls and causing unparalleled damage without much of a shred of remorse. I am the culprit that has given way to this mayhem to unfold. Afraid of the world beyond the door, I sit and run calamitous simulations inside my head until my body is driven into paralysis. No one can help and very few will as the solution is within the cause itself. I remain still, simmering from the state of my mind, contemplating solutions to and reasons why I am facing this ordeal.

Pressure sits on my shoulders, pressing with a force as imaginary as it is insurmountable, impelling my actions into reality, apprising me of the exigency of the matter at hand. An amalgam of thoughts, emotions and ideas flood the inside of my cerebrum which if given breath will foment a vicious cycle of self-loathing thus becoming the cause for the ordeal I am challenged with. I have undertaken responsibilities given by the world I inhabit and augmented their importance to a point where failure is equivalent with the idea of death. My body refuses to act upon request, stubbornly insisting that it does not wish to comply with the demand and in spite of my commands, I agree with this rebellion. None of this defines who I am or what I am for its nature goes against every thing I have come to know about myself.

A ghost cannot live among the living for it no longer possesses that which the living have, life. Everything I need to do to excel and accomplish these tasks requires me to steadily erase myself as I am now in order to become a being that can carry the weight of their demands in spite of the unavoidable and irreparable damage I suffer. Seemingly adamant to changing my ways and simultaneously affected by that which I must bring to fruition, I have become the reincarnation of Sisyphus, pushing thoughts towards an nonexistent end. Chained by a prison of imagination, I await release from the shackles I myself have built out of fear of the unknown.

I am aware I must go beyond my limits in order to free myself from this prison and the responsibilities it carries with it. I know that in doing so I shall mature into a being of wisdom beyond imagination. I know that I do not know anything and this fuels the fear of action which in return has me remain as I am and that must no longer remain the way it is. I possess faults and defects much too deep to be seen by the time of today for they have been buried and forgotten for a perplexing number of days, weeks and years. These dysfunctional components are the core of what I am today, having built everything around them, turning them into the foundation of a fragile mind. Along the way, I registered that reality and I do not mesh well, we are not meant to be companions, we simply live in tolerance of each other. There are parts of it that I adore and there parts of me that I assume it accepts but such things are far and few in-between since for the most part, we each take from the other what we need and reluctantly give what the other needs in return.

I drive myself to insanity within the confines of my own mind, deafening the world to the chaos contained within the thoughts that plague my existence. Denial of reality is the catalyst to the ignition of this simmering hell, as the existing incongruity between myself and reality is the mother of my own personal inferno. Acceptance and ignorance are facets of the same coin as both of them own the power to abate the flood of afflicting thoughts. Accept what can and cannot be done and become capable to ignore the pressure that comes from the fear of failure to enact a task that goes against the nature of self. Confrontation with my own inadequacies is a battle that rages on in the background each day I step away from privacy and become a piece of reality, and sadly enough, I shall never love it as much as it deserves for it houses the elements that make itself bearable to me. Because of this reason, I choose to swallow my fear, silence the chaos by drowning myself in it and confront it with the purpose of defying it by choosing a path of my own making, against all other imposed options. Panic is omniscient, a companion that breeds unrest but somehow also protects from certain hidden dangers though most of the time, it shelters and stumps growth. It owns many names such as fear, terror, anxiety, horror, chaos, turmoil. Controlling it shall never be possible but becoming inured and adapting to it is probably feasible and thus I lead my life under its rule, a prisoner and warden of a prison of my own my own making, executing a sentence I brought upon myself. Thus the battle goes on until the end of days or maybe until one day when through a miracle I shall grasp its throat and crush it until nothing shall be left other than my own freedom from it.

By:PocketPoet

[wordtowords]

The Entente, Ians, and Shakespeare

entente - noun - a friendly understanding or informal alliance between states or factions (Google).

Lately, the entente has populated the domestic as well as foreign news. Due to the unmitigated wrath of Hurricane Ian, two normally politically unfriendly factions–Democrats and Republicans (namely President Biden and Florida governor Ron DeSantis)–are expeditiously seeing eye-to-eye in terms of relief funding: Biden being the giver, DeSantis being the receiver of the dollars. Ironic as it may seem, natural disasters affecting human life and interactions tend to motivate ententes albeit the human equivalent, war, often causes the opposite: strife among the warring factions as well as neighboring states that are forced to take sides. And then, there is the smallest, most personal entente, that which is made between friends or relatives, that might also prove pernicious or perilous.

Those of you who follow me (both of you) know that I belong to a book club of former colleagues. For October's selection, I, whose turn it was, chose Ian (no relation to the hurricane mentioned above) McEwan's Booker Prize-winning novel Amsterdam that involves a pact between two close friends, Clive, a well-known classical composer, and Vernon, a respected journalist. At the novel's entrance, the men interface at the sparse funeral of their mutual lover, Molly, who at a relatively young age, contracted an unnamed, fatal disease similar to ALS. As he fears a similar fate, self-possessed Clive decides to involve Vernon in a bleak entente: should he fall victim to a terminal disease, Vernon must agree to call in the British equal of Dr. Kevorkian to end Clive's life a.s.a.p. to prevent any unwanted suffering. Eventually, a reluctant Vernon does decide to sign the dotted line of agreement, but only if Clive consents to do the same for him. As Drama will have it, at the turning point, the two find each other in a political debate, which does irreparable damage to their friendship. The end, as you might have already guessed, is far from agreeable. In fact, it is a wonderful example of situational irony. (I'd love to spoil things and tell you what happens, but I'm hoping you'll read the book, which is under 200 pages and highly digestible, but probably not while imbibing champagne, a wine that figures into the plot.)

When a pact of any kind is mentioned, particularly one involving money, I tend to find the nearest exit as soon as possible. William Shakespeare's "Neither a borrower nor lender be/For loan loses both itself and friend" (from Hamlet) is the one quote that has stayed embedded in my memory for good reason. Ententes involving the loan often turn sour as the borrower, who is often a friend, forgets he is the borrower and usually absconds with the funds, forgetting the original terms. Which is why when push comes to shove and I feel the urge of altruism or am backed into a corner, I tend to give food rather than cash. Why? It is a pure need rather than a want. Most people who consistently rely on relations or acquaintances rather than a legitimate bank to make ends meet are usually guilty of poor decision-making regarding their own lives. Rather than learn from their mistakes, they keep making them, knowing that they can always depend on the lender, the friend or relative, to be at their beck and call with wallet open and the willingness to be forever generous. I am sure that if you are reading this, you know exactly what I mean as you have "been there, done that" and couldn't afford to buy the T-shirt after it was all over.

The takeaway: There is nothing wrong with giving, but there are ways of being magnanimous without enabling. An honest entente need not involve anything controversial that might test the love between you and someone close to you. It could be as easy as, "The next time you find yourself short of cash, give me a call, and I'll cook you dinner." Feel free to borrow the line. It's on me :).

[beauspot]

i feel like we talk about the way that sydney affects carmy and how she’s helped him but we should also talk about his affect on her. (i swear this is the last thIng imma say about them for now 😭) sydney over qualified for the job she’s doing at the bear, same as carmy, they both have these big plans for the restaurant but the difference is carmy is thinking long term where as syd is in this constant state of “we gotta go go go right now. now or never.” as she talked about before it’s part of the reason her business fell through, she got too big too fast. that being said she is also over prepared for most situations, for example showing up a a week into her new job with a 30 page thesis on making the beef successful. this is probably partly because of her personality since she(and honestly this applies to most chefs) is type A, but i think it also has to do with the fact she is a black woman in a field dominated by white men.

Now if you’ve ever worked food service you know that shit is no joke, people want their food and they want it cooked perfectly and they want it right away, they don’t care how busy you are, how stressed you are, it doesn’t matter and this in turn affects the way kitchens are run. people feel like they’re waiting too long they’ll leave affecting profits meaning people get paid less or fired. the more prestigious a restaurant the more is at stake because reputation is half the reason people go to expensive places. now the show is dramatized for sure but this toxic kitchen culture is very real and we saw how it affected carmy. syd has had to go through similar shit(while she wasn’t working under that DEMON that carmy was she still worked with a grade a asshole chef) while also dealing with racism and misogyny and undoubtedly sexual harassment. people underestimate and at the same time expect perfection out of you when you’re a black woman. people hesitate to give us jobs and then act the most harsh to us when we mess up. so syd feeling the need to do everything herself and taking extra measures and not being able to take criticism stem from a place of people probably having hid their hate in “criticism” so she takes it personally even if it isn’t.

anyways you might be wondering why i think this ties into syd and carmy’s relationship. basically it’s the way he treats her. he doesn’t baby her but carmy speaks to her so softly. when she has these huge ideas he doesn’t try to destroy them and make her feel bad for wanting more, he just kindly explains that they’re not at that place or he needs to think or she needs to be patient and he always makes sure that he reassures her it has nothing to do with how talented she is. having people constantly screaming at you or trying to make you feel small can do irreparable damage to someone’s psyche and that’s the last thing he wants to do, because not only does he respect syd, he cares about her, whether he knows it or not. he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings and as soon as he does he regrets it and apologizes. he doesn’t do that with ANYONE else in the show. the only other people he apologizes to are his sister and marcus and to be quite honest he does worse stuff to them than he does to syd. she messed up the system after he told her to check it twice and then he yelled at her(which wasn’t ok he already established that) but he still felt like she was the one he’d done the most wrong. i mean richie got STABBED and carmy told him he deserved it and he NEVER apologized. obviously there’s a reason WHY.

I’ve said this before but even in the midst of losing his shit(because of again a mistake that sydney made!!!) he stops to ask if she’s good, repeatedly. as she’s quitting he begins to PANIC. we see at the end of the season that sydney has ditched the rose colored glasses she wore specifically for carmy and we’re going to see where that puts their relationship next season as i don’t think this issue is fully resolved even though they’ve agreed to open a new place together.

wait edit: i’m not sure he ever does apologize to sugar. i think i just made that up in my head. he says sorry for not asking how she’s feeling which…i don’t know if that’s an apology really

second edit: he doesn’t just vocally reassure her he’ll stare at her unflinchingly until she confirms she’s alright and that THEY’RE ok

wait THIRD edit: someone on here pointed out that carmy is like his brother in a way because he looks up to him, that’s his hero and so he pushes people away the same way mikey did and that’s ANOTHER REASON syd is good for him. she pushes and she won’t let him do that shit, not with her

[061890]

Asougi and Naruhodou’s speeches and localization

A while back when the Great Ace Attorney was first released, I made a post on my DGS Twitter on some… Not great localization changes made in the first Escapade in the game's DLC. Namely, the topic of Asougi's speech.

In the Dai Gyakuten Saiban subtitles channel's translation of the DLC, Asougi's speech excerpt is this:

"Now's the time to make a stand! All you young and elderly, gentlemen and ladyfolk of the downtrodden classes!"

In Japanese: 「さあ！ 今こそ立ち上がれ！ 低所得者層の老若男女よ!」

While the translation uses the phrase "downtrodden classes", the original text uses  「低所得者層」 specifically, referring to low-income working class people. This is relevant due to the fact that, in the late 1800s and early 1900s, rapid modernization and changes in Japanese labor relations led to the mistreatment of the working class. The emphasis on social harmony, along with censorship and restricting the right to assembly (which would later become criminalized in 1900), made it difficult to organize labor strikes.

And yes, while this DLC episode was very much a slice-of-life thing compared to the rest of the Great Ace Attorney, the original topics of both Asougi and Naruhodou's speeches are very informative of their characters and political views; Asougi especially, which makes the changes made in the localization even more confusing.

See, at the time, rapid industrialization was done in order to bolster the military, as the government believed back then that doing so was necessary at the threat of European imperialism; however, as real-life history shows, this directly led to Japan doing irreparable damage in its own imperialist conquest.

So, for Asougi to have given a speech explicitly in support of low-income working class people was not just him being anti-capitalist, it also very much had to do with him being anti-militarist and anti-imperialist as well. 

Him planning to say 「老若男女」 ("men and women of all ages")  —specifically, him mentioning women of low-income in the working class— also references how labor relations for female workers in the textile industry were mostly girls from poor families that worked in wealthy households in preparation for marriage. Similarly, Asougi acknowledging workers of all ages references how at the time, Japanese labor unions were more inclusive than that of the United States', as apprentices could join regardless of age and skill level. 

Kazuma Asougi is, to the surprise of few, an incredibly political person. In fact, his actions here and generally recalcitrant treatment of authority figures, parallel left-wing socialist views at the time:

"One ideological faction [of the early labor leaders] favored discussion and cooperation with management, avoided strikes and political issues, and tried to win higher wages through improved productivity. These were moderates who favored harmony between labor and capital. The other major faction favored confrontation with management, thrived on political issues, and embraced the strike weapon. These were the left-wing socialists." — The Birth of the Japanese Labor Movement by Stephen E. Marsland

Even the year wherein he gave his speech, namely, the summer of 1897 is relevant to Japan's labor movement and how Asougi's character is rooted in exploitation by Western powers. This is because in April of 1897, Takano Fusataro, a Japanese labor activist, wrote "A Summons to the Workers", calling for the workers of Japan to organize at the threat of being exploited by foreign capitalist powers. Asougi's speech even parallels some of it, but notably, advocates for confrontation now while Fusataro discouraged revolution and radicalization, instead advocating for gradual change.

From "A Summons to the Workers":

「立て職工諸君、立つて組合を組織し、以てその重大なる責務とそのの男子たる面目を保つを務めよ。」

"Stand up, you workers! Stand up and organize unions!"

Asougi's speech:

「さあ！ 今こそ立ち上がれ！ 低所得者層の老若男女よ!」

"Now's the time to make a stand! All you young and elderly, gentlemen and ladyfolk of the downtrodden classes!"

Note: Fusataro references men due to "Summons" being directed towards factory workers at the time, but Asougi's speech generally references workers of all ages due to having a different audience.

In sharp contrast, Naruhodou's speech is about filial piety:

"Let's all cherish our mothers and fathers!"

Asougi losing all support for what was considered a very gutsy and controversial speech when he made a single slip-up —that being the infamous tongue twister— where Naruhodou wins for a very simple, even boring, speech tells us a lot about how they're seen by society. 

Asougi in canon is considered arrogant and annoying by multiple authority figures —namely, Auchi— because he's outspoken about current events and politics; and while being 23 years old is very much an adult by our standards, in Meiji era Japan, one couldn't vote unless they were male, over the age of 25, and paid taxes of at least 15 yen per year. This was something that mainly landowners and ex-samurai could do.

Naruhodou, on the other hand, is initially a typical Japanese young man that conforms to the status quo. He dislikes going against his parents' wishes, and as his speech shows, advocates for an idea that's the standard in Japanese society. He's also notably apolitical, as originally, when he claims he and Asougi talked about politics over lunch, Asougi corrects him stating he only ever talked about comedy theatre.

Note: While Naruhodou uses the term 「愛国」 (あいこく, lit. love of one's country, basically patriotism) when talking about he and Asougi's "debates", from literally everything we know about Asougi's political views, I seriously doubt Asougi was being patriotic when he criticizes the government as often as he does. That, and the fact that Naruhodou is already a very unreliable narrator and doesn’t even remember what actually happened.

Similarly, in the Japan-only DLC episode for Dai Gyakuten Saiban 2, he chides Naruhodou for not keeping up with current events:

Asougi: "It sounds like you haven't been reading the papers, Naruhodou." 

Naruhodou: "N-No, not so much lately..."

Asougi: [...] "Defence attorneys didn't exist in our country until only recently. Our reputations are still as low as mud, being called shysters who make underhanded deals. It's stuff like this which makes us have to claw back the people's trust. You should read at least this much, Naruhodou."

Naruhodou: "Urghhh… Newspapers are too complicated…"

Now, to return to the topic of the Great Ace Attorney, Asougi in the localization instead gives this speech:

Asougi: "So arise, ladies and gentlemen, and applaud our forefathers' plight and the fight for filial piety!"

...Thus, making him losing to Naruhodou a matter of skill and verbal articulation rather than that of politics. While again, yes, the DLC episodes are very much just extra content, the fact of the localization changing this not only weakens Asougi's character due to him being a very political person, but goes directly against his character.

After all, his original speech was a call to action for laborers in a time where labor relations were based in a parent-child (oyataka and kokata) dynamic for employers and employees respectively. To have him say that when he originally challenged this authority is just plain wrong, especially when Japanese society expects one to defer to their elders and authority.

Not only that, but Asougi's motivations for traveling to London had to do with how he and his immediate family were killed or harmed because of the Professor ordeal. He makes no mention of being obligated by his family name, even when he tells Naruhodou and Susato about them, nor the idea of clearing Genshin's name of wrongdoing. After all, while Genshin supposedly being the Professor was concealed from the public, it still would have brought him and his family shame in the wider Asougi family as a result.

While the Great Ace Attorney being localized certainly brings many great things —accessibility, directors' commentary, etc.— to the Ace Attorney's audience, it has several flaws in its localization, and this speech thing is just one of them; one particularly egregious example being Megundal being made Irish in a time where they were racially discriminated against, not to mention the antisemitism in DGS1-3, but that's a post for another day. 

In the meantime, I can only wonder why this change was made to a character whose story is inherently rooted in questioning authority, and speaking out regarding Japanese politics and current events at the time.

[dangermousie]

CFC Chapter 54

“A crashing car?” Ahahahaha I see you, Meatbun. But it was indeed an utter pileup!

I know I commented on this passage in its various iterations eight billion times already but I still have more to say. And it’s that XQC taking so long to realize that even though HY is young, his emotions and feelings are as genuine and strong as those of anyone older is so realistic - people do tend to think that especially with regard to children - think of a reaction of an adult to a three year old crying over ice cream they dropped. It’s all amused even if not meanly so. Because to an adult with vastly more experience, this is not a big deal. But what that forgets is that whether it’s ridiculous to someone else or not, to the person at issue that is a real feeling, AND that of course a person can only feel through the lens of their experience - what else is there? Emotions aren’t any less valid because they are informed by lesser or different experience.

Honestly, to me so far this is one of the driving messages of the novel - everyone is in their own world of issues and pain and none of these characters can truly look through the lens of another person and it would be so much better if they did. To XQC, for so long, He Yu’s strong feelings (and we know so many of these feelings are awful - despair, and self-loathing, and loneliness) never quite felt real and therefore never quite felt fully valid. And by the time it wasn’t the case, it was too late.

But the same is true for He Yu - he is so concentrated on his own grievances and his own pain, he cannot perceive others’ different issues. In He Yu’s mind, he’s the winner and always champion of Misery Olympics and while he’s had a horrible time of it, that doesn’t mean other people didn’t either just in different ways. Whether because of his condition, his issues or just his age, HY is not empathetic in the least.

And think about it - XQC does not have a horrible illness. He does not have unfeeling parents. But he had to watch his beloved parents brutally murdered in front of his eyes at 13 (!!!!) and then had to raise a 5 year old by himself. Is it worse or better than HY’s trauma? That’s a matter of opinion but what there is no question about is that is a different type of trauma and a different type of scar. Or think about the patient in the asylum whose name I am too lazy to look up - her life is such a theater of horrors that to me, it makes the combined issues of HY and XQC seem small, though once again that’s subjective. Nobody wins when people start this sort of competition.

My heart breaks for XQC but also - I am sorry - if/when HY x XQC hook up again (how? I have no idea! But that is one of the joys of Meatbun - I both have no idea how/where it’s going and utterly trust her), please have He Yu read up and learn things because Good God. You should not be in major pain the morning after unless you are into pain and XQC clearly is not!

The other thing is the bit about XQC forcing himself to walk in his usual ramrod-straight manner is the moment I went utterly gone for him. I mean, I liked him and found him interesting before. But this is the thing that flipped that invisible switch for me and I went rabid and irrational and now I am Team XQC and I don’t care what he wants and does from now on, he should have it. It’s so small but so real. My mother and her mother were both big on straight posture. And one of the reasons they gave was when you walk with good posture - you look confident but also it makes you feel confident and stronger. And I’ve actually found it to be true - when you throw your shoulders back and straighten your neck and hold your head up, it does not just give others a signal, it gives a signal to your own brain. So to see XQC insist on doing it, despite being emotionally and physically shattered - because of his pride refusing to give up, because he’s so unbending, but also this being some sort of instinctive armor, just hits straight through the heart.

OK, I laughed at HY as a fucking machine. But also, this is another point in the whole “everyone has issues” narrative and HY’s life could be worse. HY, with all his other issues, can pay an insane amount, an amount that XQC could not pay in a million years, so easily. It’s not even a blip to him. Hell, the fact that he forgot to pay speaks to that - I can see forgetting to pay a friend a couple of bucks back right away because it’s not much money. HY forgets because it does not loom in his mind. And this rich lifestyle is instinctive, is ingrained in him. I think he’d find it hard to be poor.

THAT is what he’s thinking about? Priorities are...

The sole good thing that came out of this insanity is that XQC is getting in touch with his emotions, even if those emotions are (rightly) rage. He’s too closed off from them normally.

The fact that you slept with a man should be secondary to the fact that you drugged and raped him, but here we are...

To me, this sums up He Yu as a moral wasteland. To still, when sober and past his fit and not under influence of wine, to still feel excitement over his revenge and to somehow twist it that it’s XQC’s fault for being raped by He Yu is !!!!!!!!!

(I suppose if I were charitable, I’d assume that the disquiet is small stirrings of almost dead conscience and his “he deserved it” is an attempt to justify the unjustifiable to himself, but I honestly don’t want to think so because I am so angry at him. Not until I see some more evidence. I don’t feel like being indulgent with He Yu since he’s indulgent with himself enough for two.)

1. The fact that you can tell from the picture XQC got taken by a man (I am gonna defer to Meatbun’s expertise here) definitely points to the fact that the pictures are going to be used for something bad later - because if it’s just oh XQC had sex, so what, he’s single what’s the big deal. But like this it becomes a different matter. No idea if it will be used for HY or XQC or both, and by whom (money is on Duan and co, but after the way HY went off, I would never say HY himself won’t use it badly somehow) but knowing Meatbun, it will go for maximum damage.

2. Ruthless? Perhaps. Unfeeling? Hmmmm. I am not He Yu’s biggest fan atm but that’s a wonderfully misleading adjective here. He does still seem to be in shock. And fixating.

3. The whole “hahahaha XQC is a hypocrite when he was all ‘I am not interested in sex’“ is - I am not sure if HY is just short-circuiting (fine) or using a rapist justification/rolling in a sea of toxic toxicity (not fine) because I am sorry, that’s totally like “he/she had a reaction, can’t be rape” writ large. Yeah, sure he had a reaction - you poured drugs down his throat. That has nothing to do with his default preferences or his actual state. THE FUCK?!

Anyway, we end on the whole “u mad bro?” bit and you know what strikes me? HY was all “I am done, we are done, my revenge is complete I don’t care” but here he is, still desperately seeking and craving reaction and interaction from XQC.

I remain utterly puzzled as to how these two will ever be a couple except for a couple being defined as “two mutually homicidal people.” Leaving aside everything else, I am willing to accept HY is in the closet - clearly whatever his orientation is, it includes men. But I do not get that sense from XQC at all. When he’s not drugged, he’s barely interested in sex with anyone and I do not get the sense he’s in the closet either. Chances of anyone, let alone He Yu, who is both a man and someone who raped him to humiliate him, being able to entice him into sexual encounters voluntarily is about the chance of me going to visit Mars. Meatbun loves doing insane things so I can’t wait.

PS I know people use the term psychopath all the time casually but ummm, I think He Yu may actually be one? When he has his father (!!!) on speakerphone, calmly carrying a conversation with the man as he’s raping his father’s friend in the club as he talks (!!!!!) that is...in RL I’d be “team lock him up for life, there is something so basic broken in him that it can’t be fixed.” Like - the hell? The ability to put things on different shelves so much is not in the same country as sane (it makes me think of 2ha and TXJ banging CWN being the curtain while performing court business but TXJ was bona fide clinically insane and also this is worse because this is his actual freaking father omg.) Of course, only time will tell whether it’s evidence of him being irreparably incapable of normalcy in terms of living in the world/interacting with others or it was an extreme psychotic (in casual parlance not medical one) break because most people are capable of truly horrific stuff if certain levers are pushed and his default is saner. It’s the question, isn’t it? Whether He Yu’s factory default setting is the monster of the previous chapters or the kid who’d cut his wrists so as not to hurt others.

Anyway, this novel is a terrifying roller coaster ride and I love having strong emotions.

[vampelune]

hajime headcanons

i wrote these out for a cc anon but i wanna post em all in one place here

he has freckles and tans easy  

i like trans ftm hajime . though i flip flop between cis hajime and trans hajime in my works haha. i rlly love him as trans tho.  

he knows how to skateboard HAHA its one of the hobbies he still participates in at times. you would never guess by looking at him, though.  

if he didn't get into hopes peak i swear on my life this dude wouldve been the business major in college who just picked that because he doesn't know what to do with his life & its the Default major for mfs who have no goals  

he probably has lots of random knowledge about various hobbies and skills because he's tried to do so many and find his "talent", like knowing one or two songs on several instruments, knowing how to repair various utilities. he probably jumped through electives and clubs in middle school & high school. so i think hajime on his own would be a slight jack of all trades, master of none. But then he gets izuru'd and he really is a master of all trades.

as is canon he's one of those kids that fades into the background, so i bet he didn't have much of a social life. he seems like an overachiever kid, too, so he probably spent more time working and trying to find his talent than he did socializing. he probably only had unmemorable friends throughout school that didn't stick. though he does attract the attention of the sdr2 kids pretty hard, he probably had a LOT of friends. just people who came to him for help on studying, projects, etc, whatever. gets invited to some parties just because everyone kinda knows him, vaguely, and probably owes him for some help. but no close friends, no girlfriend or boyfriend. he'd be really inexperienced with close relationships by the time he meets the other sdr2 kids.  

i actually like the idea that he hung out with sato & natsumi, you know, before all of that went under. i think in a non-despair au they could've been a good friend group.  

really cookie cutter family. both parents working office jobs. he's emotionally detached from his family. loves them, but, there just never was the time or that big of an effort made on anyone's part to become really tight knit. he still has fond memories of his childhood, though.  

kusamochi is his favorite food because it's traditionally eaten on new years. it's also one of the first foods he ever learned how to cook, with his extended family on new years. when he was younger, they would have gatherings with all extended family every new years, especially because it was hajime's birthday. but as he got older those happened less and less, and now, after everything, he still makes himself kusamochi every new years.  

chiaki was his first real crush, but it was unrequited. since she was also kinda his first real friend, it was hard to differentiate between friend love and genuine crush. he knows now after everything it was probably the former, but he still loved her immensely, most than most things. even when she wasn't the best, or couldn't help him like he needed.  

i think if he had a pet he would have a cat. a childhood cat he grew up with and passed away when he was in his teens, hasn't gotten a new one since because he's too focused on school & with his hopes peak workload, and his busy parents, there just wouldn't be time for caring for a pet. and i bet he would've named his cat mochi when he was little, because he liked kusamochi so much <33 sobs  

post-dr3 hajime doesn't completely effortlessly use his talents, and with a lot of them, he needs to concentrate and think hard to focus and apply them. some things are reflexive, but others are more dormant. because of this, he can still get distracted and screw things up. when he does start using his talents, though, he goes more on the "izuru" side of his personality, very intense, a little scary from an outside perspective, and more cold and calculating.  

he has days that are more izuru than others, since they're both him now, in essence. and because that's just, irreparable damage done onto your brain, he can have mood swings, bad days, even weeks, where he's much more cold and unfeeling. in these states, though, he tends to just work himself into a hole because it's all he can do, since that sense of "boredom" comes back on days like these. (like anhedonia, in depression. there's just some days like that, you know?) and the only one capable of helping him through these states is komaeda. (sorry, im slipping in my komahina agenda)  

i kinda have a guilty pleasure for the headcanon that he grew taller from all the drugs and surgery they put him on during the project, especially because he was 18? so he still had room to grow taller. he's 5'10 in the nwp so i think 6'0 izuru/post-game hajime is, kinda hot. Though if you go by his localization height (5'8) then just put him right back up to 5'10 LOL  

for the trans agenda, the reason he dislikes sakuramochi so much is because it's a treat typically eaten on "girls' day" in japan, and he always hated that day.  

this isn't a headcanon. more of an observation, really. but i really dont like calling hajime "tsundere" because he doesn't fit that mold at all. he's dense & just comes off as blunt and rude, plus he's easily irritable. this isn't a tsundere trait, he isn't purposefully mean to hide his feelings for someone. he's just confused and doesn't even understand his own feelings most of the time, especially when it's a complex relationship like with nagito.   if anything, hopes peak or ch4 nagito is more of a tsundere haha cuz he purposely is mean to hajime & talks down to him to hide his own feelings that is already aware of, because he's trying to force himself to stop caring after learning hes a talentless nobody & fell to despair.

[i-am-bitterly-jittery]

Simply Meant To Be (pt 1)

An expansion on this soulmate blurb (no Virgil in this one though)

[part 2]

Rating: teen

Word Count: 2130

Pairings: Roceit, Intrulogical

Warnings: minor swearing

~~~START~~~

Roman is a romantic, that’s just a fact. He loves love. Any day he gets to watch two soulmates meet each other is automatically a good day. The second best day of his life was getting to watch Remus meet their soulmate when they were sixteen. The best day of his life is reserved for when he meets his own soulmate. 

It hasn’t happened yet, but it will. One day. 

For now, Roman is content with being colorblind (well not content, but he’s learned to not let it bother him too much). Remus and Logan are actually a huge help with that. Logan has even gone as far as to make a list of all of Roman’s clothing and includes a chart of what pieces do and do not go together based on Remus’ (admittedly professional) opinions, and Remus actually went through and labeled all of Roman’s makeup with what color it is and what kind of look it should go with. 

Anyone who vaguely knew the twins might think that Remus would use this opportunity to mess with Roman, but Remus knows how much Roman hates being colorblind; they would never lie to Roman about colors — about other things? Sure, but not colors. 

Remus and Logan met when Logan moved to their school from Georgia. One day Remus had claimed that there was a trail of color — they would later learn that it was navy blue, Logan’s soon-to-be favorite color — leading from the parking lot, to the main office, to the east wing. They’d chosen to skip first period in order to follow it, having never seen the trail before, and Roman, being unwilling to miss the opportunity to watch his brother meet their soulmate, followed him. Remus had walked right into a physics classroom, and straight for a boy with short curls and thick glasses that Roman had never seen before and declared him their soulmate. 

Roman got detention for skipping first period, Remus got a pass on account of meeting their soulmate. 

Most people met their soulmates before they turned twenty-five, after all, how difficult can it be when all you have to do is find the trail of color they leave behind them everywhere they go and follow it?

Well, as Roman has learned in his thirty-five years of being alive, it can be pretty freaking difficult. 

As children, Roman and Remus had wandered their town far and wide looking for colorful trails, and even after they met Logan, Remus continued to go with Roman as he searched, even if they couldn’t see Roman’s soulmate’s trail themself. As soon as Roman graduated from high school, he took the customary gap year that most everybody who hadn’t met their soulmates yet takes to search for their soulmates. 

He never caught a glimpse of anything. 

“What if I missed them somehow? What if I saw their trail and just didn’t realize it?” Roman whines one day at his usual Saturday brunch — because they’re adults goddammit — with Remus and Logan. 

“You wouldn’t have missed them, Ro bro,” Remus assures him as they do every time Roman starts lamenting about having not met his soulmate yet. “Colors are so unmistakable that there’s no way you’ll miss them.”

“And even if you are genetically colorblind — which is unlikely considering Remus is not,” Logan continues before Roman has a chance to respond. “I have read multiple papers that state that soultrails will still make themselves distinct. There are multiple accounts of the trails emitting light, absorbing light, or even emitting sound. All of that is, of course, on top of the translucent cloud that follows your soulmate’s every move. I find it improbable that you, of all people, would not have noticed a soultrail.”

“Yeah, I know you guys are right,” Roman sighs. “I just want to meet them! I’ve travelled all over the place looking for them, where are they?”

Remus says nothing, which Roman is grateful for because Remus has a habit of saying dark jokes in an attempt to lighten the mood, and Roman really doesn’t need to hear them suggest that his soulmate died in a car crash or something right now. Besides, the question is rhetorical. If Remus could see Roman’s soulmate’s trail, then he’s sure they would have spent the last nineteen years looking for them too. 

“Sorry, I guess I brought the mood down,” Roman apologizes. “How are you guys?”

Remus opens their mouth.  

“The PG version, please!” Roman rushes to say before Remus can mentally scar him. Again. 

Remus closes their mouth again. 

Logan rolls his eyes fondly and proceeds to get Roman up to date on all the high school gossip. 

“- and of course the middle school’s robotics instructor left suddenly to follow her soulmate to England, so I have taken over as their advisor until a suitable replacement can be hired.”

“How is that?” Roman asks, cringing at the thought of having to deal with middle schoolers. Kids in general kind of freak him out, but middle schoolers especially. 

“It has been fine, they are not as adept as my high school students, but of course for many of them this is their introduction to such things, so I’m trying to be patient and supportive.”

Roman snorts at that. He’s sure Logan is a good teacher, but his brother-in-law can be a bit short tempered, and has a habit of talking down to people who don’t understand what he’s trying to tell them. 

“Don’t laugh at him!” Remus jumps in to defend their soulmate. “Logan’s great with kids, it’s adults he has a problem with.”

“They are much too old to be as ignorant as they are,” Logan defends himself resolutely. 

“Of course they are, Sugar Butt.” Logan cringes slightly at the pet name, which is really all Remus is ever looking for with their pet names. 

“Anyway,” Logan says, somewhat forcefully. “There is one student who seems to know what he is doing, but he doubts himself at every turn. I have tried telling him that he is doing everything correctly, but he is… reluctant to trust himself.”

“Maybe as the year goes on he’ll gain confidence,” Remus suggests. Logan hums in acknowledgment, and Roman takes that as the end of talking about Logan’s students. “Oh! Ro bro! Did you hear the theater got a new makeup artist?”

“Finally!” Roman groans, thinking back on their last makeup artist. “I swear Lisa was trying to poke my eyes out every time she did my eyeliner!”

“Oh she probably was,” Remus comments offhandedly. “I told her — back when she first started with the theater — that you thought that makeup artisting was a waste of time.”

“WHAT!?” Roman screeches, gaining the attention of the staff and other patrons. 

“Roman,” Logan warns, growing uncomfortable under the curious stares. 

“How could you do that to me?” Roman hisses at a much quieter volume. “I never said that! She hated me for five years because of you!”

Remus shrugs, slurping the end of their drink through their straw loudly. 

“You better not make the new artist hate me!”

“I would never!” Remus gasps, clutching their heart dramatically. 

Roman glares. 

“Cross my heart!” Remus insists with a much too innocent expression. 

“I hate you.”

Remus just gasps again before dissolving into uncontrollable giggles. 

 ~~~

There isn’t rehearsal on Sunday, so Roman doesn’t have to go in to work. Unfortunately, he is saddled by the knowledge that Remus — as the theater’s costume designer — does have to go in today, and therefore has a whole day to lie to the new makeup artist about him. 

Come Monday, all Roman can do is hope that Remus hasn’t done irreparable damage. 

“Calm down,” Remus orders when they come to pick Roman up. “They weren’t even in yesterday; I haven’t met them yet.”

“I’m not letting you ruin my relationship with the makeup artist again,” Roman pouts. 

“Just try and stop me!” Remus cackles. 

Once they reach the theater, Roman practically jumps from the car before Remus has even parked. 

“REAL MATURE!” Remus yells after him as he sprints for the theater door. 

“THIS ONE IS GOING TO LIKE ME!” Roman yells back. 

“NOT IF I MEET THEM FIRST!”

Roman skids to a stop as soon as he reaches the lobby. Not expecting their twin to just be standing there, Remus slams into his back, throwing them both to the ground. 

“The fuck, Ro Bro?” Remus demands as they flop off their brother and onto their back. 

“I-I see it,” Roman whispers, voice filled with wonder. 

“See what?” Remus demands. “The lobby? You’ve seen the lobby bef-oh!”

The awestruck look on Roman’s face finally clicks, and Remus bounces excitedly. 

“You see it? Like it it?” Remus scrambles to their feet, dragging Roman up with them. “Where? Which way does it go?”

“It looks like how the sun feels,” Roman says instead of answering. “All light and warm and good.”

“Roman Kingsley you tell me which way your soulmate went this instant!” Remus demands loudly. This is important dammit!

“It goes from there,” Roman points to the side door that’s usually used by staff that take the bus to work. “To there,” the door leading backstage. 

“Excellent!” Remus cheers dragging Roman forward. “Time for your date with destiny!”

Remus throws the backstage door open dramatically, but Roman groans as he realizes that his soulmate’s trail is going in literally every direction, making it impossible to know which way they went last. 

“Well?” Remus asks expectantly. 

“Either my soulmate is familiarizing themself to the theater, or they knew I’d be here and are trying to spite me,” Roman answers somewhat dejectedly. “I can’t tell which trail is freshest.”

“Well shit.” Remus scans each entry as though Roman’s soulmate will just happen to wander in (plausible, considering they’ve trailed all over the theater). 

“Hey guys!” A voice calls from by the dressing rooms. The brothers turn to find Thomas, the owner of the theater and their boss. 

“Thomas!” Remus cries gleefully. “My absolute favoritest person in the world behind my incredibly sexy soulmate!”

“Okay, so you want something,” Thomas answers with an amused grin. Remus always piles on the compliments when they want something.

“Who’s new today?” Roman asks, more to the point. 

“Like, in the theater?” Thomas asks. “Just Janus, the new makeup artist. Why?” Thomas’s eyes widen as if he’s just had a realization. “You’re not going to prank him or something, are you? He’s very talented, I can’t have you scaring him away already!”

“Roman’s soulmate is the new makeup artist? Lame,” Remus pouts. “How am I supposed to trick him into hating Roman?”

“Soulmate?”

“My soulmate is in the building, Thomas!” Roman declares, striking a dashing pose before deflating a little. “Except his trail leads all over the place, I don’t know where he went!”

“Oh… well,” Thomas looks to each direction Janus could have gone, but he clearly doesn’t know which way Janus would have gone. “He said he wanted to get a lay of the land before everyone got here…”

“I got this!” Remus pipes up suddenly before cupping their hands around their mouth like a megaphone and screaming at the top of their lungs. “JANUS!”

“What?” A faint, far-off voice calls back, followed but the sound of hurried footsteps. “Thomas?”

“Dressing rooms!” Thomas calls back. 

Footsteps thunder down the stairs, and all too soon a man appears on them. 

The first time you lay eyes on your soulmate, you begin to see the world in color. Everyone’s experience is different: Remus said that as soon as he laid eyes on Logan, the world exploded violently into vibrant shades. Logan said that colors appeared one at time, quickly, but slow enough for him to notice. Roman’s mom said that her soulmate’s trail swelled to fill the space before things slowly began to take on their proper color, and his mama said that it was almost like everything had always had color, she just hadn’t bothered to notice before. 

For Roman, the man before him is painted in vibrant shades while the background remains in grayscale, but as soon as the man makes eye contact, his colors begin to slowly bleed throughout the space. 

The man’s eyes widen as he stares, slack-jawed at Roman — no doubt mirroring Roman’s own expression. 

“I’m Roman,” Roman says quickly, before Remus can forever ruin his first meeting with his soulmate by making a dick joke or something. 

The man smiles and Roman immediately decides that his favorite color is whatever this guy’s eyes are — they’re hazel, but Roman will later change his favorite color to red after realizing how stunning and bold the color is when it isn’t just another shade of gray. 

“Janus.”

~~~TO BE CONTINUED~~~

General Taglist:

@royalty-of-all-things-snuggly

@pixelated-pineapple

[haztory]

hello hello ! first, congratulations on 300 !! and if you are still taking requests, may i request the angst dialouge “Can you look at me? Please?” with nanami ? thank you & keep up the wonderful work !! :)

“Can you look at me? Please?” from my writing event! (come request something)

warnings: angst, only angst

nanami kento x gn reader

“Tilt your head upwards,” Two fingers prod against your chin, gentle yet firm pressure lifting your face and pressing a wet cloth onto the surface of your cheekbone.

It stings, worse than any regular cut that splits the skin. The wound having been laced and imbued with a cursed poison, the kind that simultaneously numbs and burns the surrounding area. Given only when you were taken off guard, caught too hastily in your preoccupation with the man currently standing in front of you instead of the fight at hand.

A foolish mistake on your part— one you understand the gravity of quite thoroughly, even without the disapproving stares and the extended periods of silence that weigh heavily onto you, imparted by the stoic man and impromptu healer.

Nanami halts his movement, his hand hovering over the injury, and his dark eyes— laced entirely too much with dismay— flicker quickly towards yours, of which you pointedly avoid. 

He waits, silent in his plaguing stare that truthfully discomforts you more than the injury itself; He waits for your sighs of pain to subside, waits for you to meet his gaze. Waits for you to understand that behind the neutrality of his stature and the calmness of his demeanor as he led you back from the mission and into the sanctity of his office at the school, lies a brewing lecture of turmoil and overwhelming disappointment.

You didn’t have to look at him to know that, though.

“Are you alright?” He asks after a minute of heavy silence fills the space of the room. He towers over your seated body, feeling miles away in superiority and physicality despite being right in front of you, his hands touching your face and your knee placed between his open legs. He couldn’t be any closer, not with the rich musk of his cologne swirling around you and the heat of him transferring itself onto you.

And yet, you couldn’t feel further from him. 

“Yeah,” keeping your eyes downturned, you mutter lowly, “‘m fine.”

His hand lowers and with it he drops the rag onto the surface of the table. He sighs, the weight of his stress and the exhaustion from the mission exhaling into the air, settling heavily on top of the already apparent displeasure with the situation. 

With you.

You can only push your head down farther and slink away from the expanse of his body in some feeble effort to minimize the extent of your burden on him, even if you may have had good intentions upon doing so.

If only you hadn’t gotten distracted; If only you remembered that out of the two of you, he was the more qualified sorcerer. There was no need to be so concerned for the likes of his safety, especially not when your own was so intensely threatened in that moment. If only you hadn’t turned your head, yelled his name, pleaded for him to move— 

“(Y/N),” Nanami says, voice soft and silky yet still. Foundational. A pillar that pushes itself into the whirlwind of your thoughts and refuses to budge, forcing you to acknowledge it. To acknowledge him and the depth of the irreparable impression you’ve made on him.

You can hear his words before he even says it, forced to sit with the impeding knowledge of the fate of this conversation and take the daggers of despair that will no doubt pierce every part of your fragile heart as he points out the obvious mistake you made. Droles on about how imperative it is to keep business and feelings separate.

Reminds you of the vow he made upon becoming a sorcerer.

Why couldn’t you have just— 

“Can you look at me?” 

You can’t. 

You can’t have him see that as much as he may be disappointed in you, you are even more so disappointed in yourself. Understanding full and well what your mistake means, even if it is something as simple as a cut on the cheek. You can’t have him see and confirm the large crack that has been made in the solid wall of duty to your occupation that can no longer be reversed. 

If you look at him, if you so much as make eye contact with him, he will know the weakness that you possess, the disadvantage you carry with you into every mission. The sharp Achilles heel that has made itself abundantly clear before the two of you and every cursed spirit that saw you stumble. 

Nanami Kento, in whatever fashion he may exist, has the entirety of your attention in the palm of his hand and the cool swing of his arm. And try as you might devote your focus to any matter at hand, you can never successfully win the battle in keeping him out of your thoughts. 

Nanami Kento is the root of your mistake and the inevitable reason behind your downfall. You’ve known it for far too long, and now, he does too. A prophecy in the making, a tragic tale playing its beginning notes before you that’s too sweet for you to try and end.

But he will. 

He will know of the taint in your commitment to this life, the compromise of your duty and the manner in which he plays an active part in it, and he will remove it in the name of safety. 

Dread fills your stomach.

“Please?” He tries again, quieter this time. 

Soft yet firm, comforting, and wrapped in the linen of silk. Lined with the scent of his musk and coated entirely in a sweet, dripping concoction that refreshed you with one word alone. The sweetest of tones that have your heart accelerating with the single word alone.

You want more, you need more for as long as you can have it. That is your prophecy, the destiny written in the fate of your stars and consolidated by the sharpness of his cheekbones and the gentleness of his touch.

He is error in your duty that you can no longer see as a mistake. You’re not sure you ever saw it as a mistake.

You look up at him, throbbing pain in your cheek no longer felt, instead replaced with the sorrows of his eyes and the slow push of the dagger in your heart. Propelled by him, his hand wrapped around the ornate handle, with your own settled on top of it, guiding its entry, because you have done this to yourself.

You fell in love with someone who could not be loved, who did not want to be loved.

And worst of all, you laid it bare before him when you prioritized his safety over your own. You bear the physical mark of your profession that swirls with draining poison that he gentle tries to patch up. A wound that he tries to heal and leave with no trace of himself in its wake.

His mouth remains closed as you finally meet his gaze, but his eyes tell you everything you need to know.

There’s the furrow in his brow and pity in his stare as he whispers, “You shouldn’t have done that.”

The malice you expected is absent, replaced with a saddened realization of the truth that you both tried so hard to avoid. You find that you would’ve much preferred a furious lecture than whatever this is.

This pathetic rejection on the basis of violated principles and foolish duty; A halting of something that hadn’t even had the chance to begin.

You should feel something, something deep and burning in you pointed desperately at him, for depriving you of the chance of a truthful embrace. But you can only hum, a wry one that punches him in the gut, even when you try to keep it void from all emotion.

“I know.”

He tries to find some consolation in the fact that you at least know that your feelings were meant to die here. He should feel less guilty in the admittance that you never bought into the enticing fantasy of living a domestic life with him, a romantic and fulfilling one in which things could end happily and your jobs weren’t the brutal forces of despair.

He should feel some relief in knowing that you knew as much as him that it was better to leave things unsaid, than to act on them, for then, he could keep you close without having to acknowledge the blurring boundaries.

It doesn’t though. Only leaves him with an aching hollow in his chest and a pain reverberating along his spine.

If only you didn’t know that this love was a tragedy in the making, then maybe he could’ve given you a reason to hate him. He could’ve broken your heart brutally, right here and now, and sleep peacefully at night knowing that you truly believed him to be an insignificant monster that ruined a chance of happiness.

Maybe you could’ve believed him to be an end of a route that would lead to a better future, one that you unabashedly deserved.

But you do know. You’ve carried the truth of that burden alongside him, and you admit it. That’s the worst part.

Nanami sighs again in some effort to exhale the heavy weight that lumps in his throat. It’s futile. His eyes drift, if only to break themselves from your own sorrowful gaze, but much like you, he finds himself inevitably being drawn back—unable to stray from the entrancing state of your eyes.

Unable to stop himself from gazing at the long-awaited happiness he finally found in your irises. The one he longed for.

His hand cups around the back of your neck, bringing your foreheads together and noses bumping gently into one another. The closest he can let you be to him, without breaking his dutiful promise.

He breathes you in shamelessly, memorizes the feel of your skin against his, closes his eyes and imagines that for just a moment, he could have you without restraint in this space. You do the same, soaking in the forbidden lifetime of forever in this brief second. You wish, that in all his empathy and compassion for those around him—that in his exorbitant effort to minimize the extent of the damage his eventual death will amass—he will give you just a minute more; Just a second more to keep him close.

Reality is never that kind.

He pulls away, stray strands of blonde falling in front of his forehead that he hardly minds as he picks the rag up once more and places it in your hand.

“Keep this on the wound. I’ll go find the first-aid.”

He turns, quick in his motion and set in his path as he makes his way to the door. Leaving you and the air of lost infinite possibilities behind. He opens it, and just as he is about to step out, he pauses.

“After tonight I will put in my request for reassignment. I’ll make sure they pair you with someone capable. And from now on, it would be best to distance ourselves. We should avoid making a mistake of this kind again.”

And then he leaves, shutting the door quietly behind him, no room for argument in the bluntness of his words. No room for interpretation. Not even a brief hesitation as he confirmed that his vow of loneliness would trump any attempt of momentary happiness he could have found with you.

A statement, strict and concise, affirming what you already knew. You could love Nanami Kento all you wanted, and you could hope and plead desperately that he would love you too, but in the end, all that would be left was the fruits of your mistake.

No.

Not a mistake.

Only a love that was lost before it could even be found.

a/n: apparently the only thing I know how to write for nanami is angst. hope you enjoyed this one anon!!! feel free to request more!! and thank you for the congrats!!