No spoilers for HOFAB
I feel empty. I finished it, so what the hell do I do now?? I need a hug. I need a mate, and I need my memory wiped so I can start her books all over again.
If you need me, I'll be laying on my bed, face down, in a starfish position, crying into my pillows.
(what the hell does sjm put in her books, is it some type of witchcraft bc im not at that level yet)
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I have finally finished The Golden Enclaves.
No, I’m not okay.
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Grief is the only proof that I love and I love well. Love and grief are actually intertwined with each other and as "Akif Kichloo" once wrote, "the opposite of grief is not laughter or happiness or joy. It is love. It is love. It is love."
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to say i miss you doesn't even begin to capture the despair your absence has brought me.
— mae s. (journal entry to the one i still love)
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Harrow the Ninth is really a book about what happens when you are the Best At Something your whole life and you sweat and bleed and sacrifice everything to earn your way to the place/position you've always dreamed of, but then when you do succeed it isn't as you expected. Not only does everyone you once admired turn out to be an awful person, but your abilities are no longer special. Your talent isn't enough. Your effort isn't enough. Your new peers have worked just as hard as you have and know just as much as you do, but more than that: they seem suddenly better, faster, more capable, all while you flounder in the shallow end of the pool as the abilities you spent your whole life honing abandon you in your time of need. Humiliation becomes your constant companion as you sweat and bleed and try anyway, but what once netted you endless success and acolades is now barely enough to survive.
And then, of course, there is The Skull
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There's this way of doing female-ness in Christianity that I call "pastel flower journal Christianity." I've got nothing against pastel flower journals per se, but for some reason people believe it's the end all and be all of female spirituality, and I think it's a real disservice towards young Christian women.
One of these days I'd like to start a prayer-and-reading group or something for young women, but there would be no floral themes or over-focus on how "God thinks you're beautiful even if the world doesn't" (a true statement, but it's wayyyyy too often the focus in women's spiritual reading). Instead we would be reading:
Seneca's Letters from a Stoic
Frankl's Man's Search for Meaning
Sheed's A Map of Life
Portions of Pieper's book on leisure
Kreeft's Three Philosophies of Life
Guardini's The Lord (or something similar)
Therese's Story of a Soul
and some select portions of the Nicomachean Ethics.
(Also they're all getting the porn talk. I don't know why we give the porn talk to young men but not young women. There's this idea that women don't use porn and they only need the talk about "guarding their heart." Bullshit. There's porn on the YA shelves of Barnes and Nobles and before that there were bodice rippers. Young women need the porn talk too.)
Every young woman needs to be getting a basic grounding in virtue ethics, logic, natural law, scholastic philosophy and Biblical hermeneutics if they're going to get by in today's spiritual landscape. Enough faffery and emotionalism in young women's spiritual education! Give them real food to chew on, not pasty sentimentalism!
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Anne Carson, from Grief lessons: Four plays by Euripides.
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“Grief, I’ve learned, is really just love. It’s all the love you want to give, but cannot. All that unspent love gathers up in the corners of your eyes, the lump in your throat, and in that hollow part of your chest. Grief is just love with no place to go.”
― Jamie Anderson
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"Grief has no distance. Grief comes in waves, paroxysms, sudden apprehensions that weaken the knees and blind the eyes and obliterate the dailiness of life."
– Joan Didion, The Year of Magical Thinking
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