#Notes on Grief

[gracemisconduct]

This has been a strange Christmas. The first without my dad. I've always struggled with being explicit about emotion; this is the second major grief in my life, and the first nearly killed me. This time, I'm trying to be open, less self destructive, but man, it's hard work. My mother, still here, is...someone who loves me better from afar. She also struggles to accept that this has happened to more than her. And yet, Christmas, funerals, and the time of year forces proximity, and forces everything that comes with it.

He died in increments, then all at once. I first saw him die a little ten years ago, getting a pacemaker. Then a little more two years later, when he was so breathless he couldn't walk across the small medieval town I lived in. I saw him die a little bit when he was diagnosed with cancer, and when he broke down crying at my wedding. I saw him die most and fastest this year, when he went from visiting China to not having the strength to sit up in bed by himself. And then, all at once, he died.

I never knew there was so much admin involved in death. People would ask how I was; I had no idea. I was too busy sourcing a death certificate, arranging a funeral, writing a eulogy, telling friends and family he'd died, sorting my mum's finances. Every now and again I'd burst our crying. Then I'd stop.

Through it all, two things kept me just about sane; walking, walking everywhere, and fantasy. Good fantasy, bad fantasy. Smut and angst and fandoms and AO3 and all the wonderful ridiculousness of it that teen Grace loved and 20s Grace tried to pretend she didn't. Now I'm in my 30s, no shits are given. It was a balm, a source of humour, a relief. A place of happy endings of all kinds. A lot of BG3. It even made me think about doing a little writing of my own, though we're far from there yet. Thanks, hellsite, for the wonderful wildness of this place. Thanks, makers, for putting your work out there into the world for me to get lost in and cling to like a life raft.

____________

So, who was my dad? He was the most accomplished man I ever knew; nearly 40 years curating Japanese art and metalwork at internationally renowned museums, published books, honorary positions, a photographer, a ceramicist, a singer and more. His eulogy took days to write just to remember everything he did, and we still missed things.

His curiosity for culture, his love of learning, his collecting of obscure facts and bizarre stories, was infectious. It was the golden thread of my brother and I’s upbringing, with weekends and holidays punctuated by museums, bookshops, National Trust properties, standing stones and sci-fi movies, and everything in between. It was this same passion and curiosity that meant his list of friends and admirers was longer than your arm. He was a G.I. and so am I. Yes, I stole his badge.

When we were looking for readings for his cremation, we came across this poem. It's a later addition by Tolkien, written by Bilbo as he travels to the Grey Havens, thinking about his life and what comes next. I think that dad - LOTR narrator, deliver of funny hobbit voices, old hippy - would appreciate it. I hope you do too.

Day is ended, dim my eyes,

but journey long before me lies.

Farewell, friends! I hear the call.

The ship's beside the stony wall.

Foam is white and waves are grey;

Beyond the sunset leads my way.

Foam is salt, the wind is free;

I hear the rising of the Sea.

Farewell, friends! The sails are set,

the wind is east, the moorings fret.

Shadows long before me lie,

beneath the ever-bending sky,

but islands lie behind the Sun

that I shall raise ere all is done;

lands there are to west of West,

where night is quiet and sleep is rest.

Guided by the Lonely Star,

beyond the utmost harbour-bar

I'll find the havens fair and free,

and beaches of the Starlit Sea.

Ship, my ship! I seek the West,

and fields and mountains ever blest.

Farewell to Middle-Earth at last.

I see the Star above your mast!

- J.R.R. Tolkien

notes on grief - chimamanda ngozi adichie

[quotespile]

For the rest of my life, I will live with my hands outstretched for things that are no longer there.

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Notes on Grief

[litsnaps]

[wedarkacademia]

“I finally understand why people get tattoos of those they have lost. The need to proclaim not merely the loss but the love, the continuity. I am my father’s daughter. It is an act of resistance and refusal: grief telling you it is over and your heart saying it is not; grief trying to shrink your love to the past and your heart saying it is present.” ― Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Notes on Grief

[classicbooks101]

Does love bring, even if unconsciously, the delusional arrogance of expecting never to be touched by grief?

Notes on Grief, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

[lossisyours]

If people appeared to behave pointlessly in grief, it was only because human life was pointless, and this was the truth that grief revealed.

— Sally Rooney, Normal People: A Novel

[noemyreads]

notes on grief - chimamanda ngozi adichie

“I feel inexperienced and immature in the face of this hell that is sadness. how can he be joking and talking in the morning, and in the evening be gone forever?”

synopsis

written after the death of chimamanda ngozi adichie's father in june 2020, during the covid-19 pandemic that kept the adichie family apart, notes on grief is a powerful account of the immeasurable pain of loss and the memories and resilience it brought s for her. aware of being one of millions of people suffering at that moment, the author focuses not only on the family and cultural dimensions of grief, but also on the loneliness and anger inherent to it.

my opinion

my experience with grief is minimal, but with the author, I could feel it through her words. she wrote about thoughts and feelings that are somehow universal. I highlight two points that the author talked about that I could feel the pain:

look for the person and for a moment forget what happened

“okey sends me a video of a very old woman walking through the front door of our house, in tears, and I think: I need to ask dad who it is. in that small instant, what was true for the forty-two years of my life remains true: my father is tangible, he breathes in and out, I can look for him, talk to him, see the sparkle in his eyes behind the lens of the glasses. then I feel a terrible nausea and I remember again. this momentary oblivion feels both a betrayal and a blessing. do I forget why I'm not there? I think so. my brother and sister are there, face to face with the desolation of a home without my father.”

I can't imagine the painful feeling of looking for someone who has been with you all your life and not finding them, simply because they are gone. this is one of the situations that grieving people people experience the most, they want to share something with that person and they cannot.

the life that follows

“how is it possible for the world to go on, to breathe in and out identically, while inside my soul everything has permanently disintegrated?”

this thought is something that always comes to my mind in the face of death, how does life go on as normal as it can be for other people while yours is falling apart?

her words on grief already hurts, bu it hurts even more to see it from the perspective of the pandemic, how desperate it was to be away from your loved ones and not be able to say goodbye. I can't even imagine the feeling for the author, being in another country, at the beginning of a pandemic.

the author was able to describe grief in a way that I, who have not gone through anything of this intensity, can feel her pain, her anger, sadness and, above all, her love for her father.

title: notes on grief

author: chimamanda ngozi adichie

rate: 4

[ackb]

2022 Reading Challenge Report

Creating this spread in my journal has become a highlight of my year. Past efforts are here: 2019, 2020, 2021. Each year I spend a little more time on my mini cover drawings and each year I'm a little happier with how they turned out.

My reading goal for the year was 100 books and I barely made it: 101. I had to really book it to reach my goal (heh, see what I did there)

Some years it's sort of hard to pick my "Best Books", but this year it was relatively easy. Eight books in particular really stood out. I could have just left it at eight, but there were two additional authors that I came across this year that I read several books by and am quite sure I will continue gobbling up their oeuvres as long as I can. (I've never in my life seen that word as a plural—can that be right?) So as a 9th pick, I just named them both: Ashley Herring Blake and Alexis Hall. I read several of Blake's books this year that would have absolutely changed my life if they'd been around when I was a kid/teen and Hall is here because literally everything he writes is fucking hilarious.

The full list with metrics are after the jump:

My top 8 and other stand outs are in bold below

Non-Fiction (23)

Star Child: A Biographical Constellation of Octavia Estelle Butler, Ibi Zoboi

How to Slowly Kill Yourself and Others in America, Kiese Laymon

(gn) The Drawing Lesson, Mark Crilley

The Art of Visual Notetaking: An Interactive Guide to Visual Communication and Sketchnoting, Emily Mills

(gn) Windows on the World, Robert Mailer Anderson, Jon Sack, Zack Anderson

All Boys Aren't Blue, George M. Johnson

Black Widow: A Sad-Funny Journey Through Grief for People Who Normally Avoid Books with Words Like "Journey" in the Title, Leslie Gray Streeter

(gn) WE HEREBY REFUSE: Japanese American Resistance to Wartime Incarceration, Frank Abe, Tamiko Nimura, Matt Sasaki (Illustrator), Ross Ishikawa (Illustrator)

(gn) Wake: The Hidden History of Women-Led Slave Revolts, Rebecca Hall, Hugo Martinez (Illustrator)

(gn) Kid Gloves: Nine Months of Careful Chaos, Lucy Knisley

(gn) Foundations of Chinese Civilization: The Yellow Emperor to the Han Dynasty, Jing Liu

Dopesick: Dealers, Doctors, and the Drug Company that Addicted America, Beth Macy

Unbound: My Story of Liberation and the Birth of the Me Too Movement, Tarana Burke

(gn) Go to Sleep (I Miss You): Cartoons from the Fog of New Parenthood, Lucy Knisley

Notes on Grief, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie

(gn) The Black Panther Party: A Graphic Novel History, David F. Walker, Marcus Kwame Anderson (Illustrations)

BLUU Notes: An Anthology of Love, Justice, and Liberation, Takiyah Nur Amin, Mykal Slack, eds.

(gn) Passport, Sophia Glock

Revolution in Our Time: The Black Panther Party's Promise to the People, Kekla Magoon

(pb) Nicky & Vera: A Quiet Hero of the Holocaust and the Children He Rescued, Peter Sís

Refugee High: Coming of Age in America, Elly Fishman

(pb) Afghan Dreams: Young Voices of Afghanistan, Tony O'Brien, Mike Sullivan

(pb) Wishes, Mượn Thị Văn, Victo Ngai (Illustrator)

Fiction (59)

Red at the Bone, Jacqueline Woodson

American Street, Ibi Zoboi

Husband Material, Alexis Hall

Rise to the Sun, Leah Johnson

(gn) The Last Session, vol. 1, Jasmine Walls, Dozerdraws (Illustrations)

The Galaxy, and the Ground Within, Becky Chambers

(gn) The Montague Twins: The Devil's Music, Nathan Page, Drew Shannon (Illustrations)

Record of a Spaceborn Few, Becky Chambers

Something Fabulous, Alexis Hall

Honey Girl, Morgan Rogers

(gn) Fantasmas, Raina Telgemeier

Purple Hibiscus, Chimamanda Ngoni Adichie

The Violence, Delilah S. Dawson

(gn) Coven, Jennifer Dugan, Kit Seaton (Illustrations)

Children of God, Mary Doria Russell (re-read)

Boyfriend Material, Alexis Hall

Skye Falling, Mia McKenzie

Liar & Spy, Rebecca Stead

The Sparrow, Mary Doria Russell (re-read)

A Psalm for the Wild Built, Becky Chambers

(gn) Oddball: Sarah Scribbles #4, Sarah Andersen

Girl Made of Stars, Ashley Herring Blake

Everything, Everything, Nicola Yoon

A Closed and Common Orbit, Becky Chambers

(gn) Slaughter House Five, Ryan North (adaptor), Kurt Vonnegut Jr., Albert Monteys (Illustrations)

Pretend I'm Dead, Jen Beagin

(gn) The Crossover, Kwame Alexander Dawud Anyabwile (Illustrations)

Don't Check Out This Book, Kate Klise, Sarah Klise (Illustrations)

Light From Uncommon Stars, Ryka Aoki

The Mighty Heart of Sunny St. James, Ashley Herring Blake

Hang the Moon, Alexandria Bellefleur

(gn) Alice in Leatherland, Iolanda Zanfardino, Elisa Romboli (Illustrator)

Ivy Aberdeen's Letter to the World, Ashley Herring Blake

Delilah Green Doesn't Care, Ashley Herring Blake

The Care and Feeding of Ravenously Hungry Girls, Anissa Gray

(gn) Across a Field of Starlight, Blue Delliquanti

Ain't Burned All the Bright, Jason Reynolds, Jason Griffin (Illustrator)

Count Your Lucky Stars, Alexandria Bellefleur

I Kissed Shara Wheeler, Casey McQuiston

(gn) The Bride Was a Boy, Chii, Beni Axia Conrad (Translator)

Payback's a Witch, Lana Harper

The School for Good Mothers, Jessamine Chan

(gn) The Sacrifice of Darkness, Roxane Gay, Tracy Lynne Oliver, Rebecca Kirby, James Fenner

Read Between the Lines, Rachel Lacey

The Ex-Girlfriend of My Ex-Girlfriend Is My Girlfriend: Advice on Queer Dating, Love, and Friendship, Maddy Court, Kelsey Wroten (Illustrations)

(gn) A Shadow in RiverClan, Erin Hunter

How to Find a Princess, Alyssa Cole

The Girl in the Well is Me, Karen Rivers

American Spy, Lauren Wilkinson

Stay With Me, Ayọ̀bámi Adébáyọ̀

(gn) Be Gay, Do Comics, Matt Bors, ed.

(gn) Cheer Up: Love and Pompoms, Crystal Frasier, Val Wise (Illustrator)

The Long Way to a Small Angry Planet, Becky Chambers

This Winter, Alice Oseman

The Bookish Life of Nina Hill, Abbi Waxman

(gn) Stone Fruit, Lee Lai

Heartstopper, vol. 4, Alice Oseman

(gn) Squad, Maggie Tokuda-Hall, Lisa Sterle (Illustrator)

(gn) Shadow Life, Hiromi Goto, Ann Xu (Illustrations)

Read with the kids and/or for Homeschool planning (19)

Front Desk, Kelly Yang

The Midwife's Apprentice, Karen Cushman

(pb) Blue: A History of the Color as Deep as the Sea and as Wide as the Sky, Nana Ekua Brew-Hammond, Daniel Minter (Illustrator)

The Wednesday Wars, Gary D. Schmidt

(gn) Twelfth Grade Night, Molly Horton Booth, Stephanie Kate Strohm, Jamie Green (Illustrator)

(gn) The History of Western Art in Comics Part One: From Prehistory to the Renaissance, Marion Augustin, Bruno Heitz (Illustrations)

(gn) Magical History Tour #4: The Crusades, Fabrice Erre, Sylvain Savoia (Illustrator)

A Year Down Yonder, Richard Peck (re-read)

A Long Way from Chicago, Richard Peck (re-read)

The Amber Spyglass, Philip Pullman (re-read)

The Night Diary, Veera Hiranandani

The Subtle Knife, Philip Pullman (re-read)

(pb) Prisoners of Geography, Children's Ed.: Our World Explained in 12 Simple Maps, Tim Marshall

The Great Brain at the Academy, John D. Fitzgerald

(pb) The 1619 Project: Born on the Water, Nikole Hannah-Jones, Renée Watson, Nikkolas Smith (Illustrator)

(pb) Unspeakable: The Tulsa Race Massacre, Carole Boston Weatherford, Floyd Cooper (Illustrator)

The Whale Rider, Witi Ihimaera

(pb) Mr. Watson's Chickens, Jarrett Dapier, Andrea Tsurumi (Illustrator)

The Golden Compass, Philip Pullman (re-read)

(gn) = graphic novel or graphic novel format (pb) = picture book

I read 101 books this year

Authors of color: 40 Black authors: 28 Cis-women, trans & nonbinary authors: 73 Graphic novels: 34 Queer characters: 47 (34 main characters) Audiobooks: 22 Picture books: 8

Read 25 Books by Black Women Authors: Only read 23

I think next year I won't do the Black Women Authors challenge. I hope I will still read as many or at least a significant number of books by Black women, and I think it's a really great idea. I'm going to resist doing it this year, though, because I noticed a crummy impulse in myself as I was keeping track of the books, like I was "getting credit" for reading books in this category and that feels kinda gross. We'll see how I do without striving for a cookie.

I would like to read more picture books in 2023, and maybe be a little choosier about the graphic novels I read. I really love graphic novels, but I read some clunkers this year. I was also pretty light on nonfiction and I'd like to read a little more this year. In any case, I know it will be another great year of reading! See you next year!

[jippimums]

[ademella]

Currently reading

[bigfatbreak]

Birds of a Feather previous / next

[candlebel]

I can't cry... I want to cry... I feel so much sorrow...

[quotespile]

How is it that the world keeps going, breathing in and out unchanged, while in my soul there is a permanent scattering?

Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Notes on Grief

[litsnaps]

[wedarkacademia]

“We don't know how we will grieve until we grieve.”

― Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie, Notes on Grief

[classicbooks101]

Grief is a cruel kind of education. You learn how ungentle mourning can be, how full of anger. You learn how glib condolences can feel. You learn how much grief is about language, the failure of language and the grasping for language.

Notes on Grief, Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie