#bizarre things of varying usefulness

[marble-needs-therapy]

Shopkeep Intro

You walk into a shop, and pretty quickly realize you probably shouldn't have. It's a *mess.* Items are strewed haphazardly about the place, and the interior is lit not by torches, but by the sheer amount of glowing nonsense lying around (and some neat wall-mounted crystals.) The only thing that seems to be any sort of organized is the large potion shelf, kept behind the counter.

Then your other senses kick in. First, the smell. The scent would be subtle, almost alluring, except that it seems to be an impossible amount of alluring scents all vying for your attention, and you think that if you hung around for too long you'd get a headache.

And the noise! The shop isn't loud, not by any means. You'd almost swear something was muffling it, which is good news for your poor ears. Soft hums and whirrs, the bubbling of a boiling liquid or two, mechanical clicks, and some distinctly organic sounds from the next room all combine into something that would be cacophonous if not for the muffling. As it stands, it just makes the place atmospheric.

And the whole place is magic. You don't have to cast any spells to be sure of that -- it washes over you, emanating out from every corner of the place. If you knew what radiation was, you'd be tempted to liken it to getting radiation poisoning.

After you've finally reigned your errant sense back into place, you take stock of the shopkeep. It's a Tabaxi, it's always a Tabaxi running these sorts of places. Well, sometimes it's a Kenku, but they have trouble bargaining so their establishments don't last long. Every now and again it's a goblin or kobold, but goblins tend to wind up on the wrong end of their more mystical wares pretty quick, and kobolds have a tendency to keep the coolest stuff for themselves, which is also bad business practice. So yeah, it's a Tabaxi running the place.

She's sleek and slender and smiling at you smugly. You get the distinct feeling she enjoys newcomers being entranced by her wares. She's what you expected, in that she's a Tabaxi, but she's also not at all what you expected the shopkeep of such a fantastical place to look like. You were expecting someone... older, maybe. A bit more predatory, or mystical, or some other fantasy adjective that gets applied to magical shopkeeps. Instead, she's an uncloaked, bright-eyed youngster. She really doesn't seem any older than the fresh-faced adventurers you see in big city taverns, just back from clearing out their first kobold warren.

Credit where credit is due, though, she *does* have plush black fur that seems to sparkle like galaxies in the pulsing glow of the shop. And you aren't sure if it's facepaint or fortunate genetics, but she has symmetrical white dots under her crystalline eyes and a big white star down the center of her forehead. You'd call her cute if you didn't have the evidence of her prowess invading your personal space.

Her smile turns more agreeable, and she steps out from behind the counter to greet you.

"Hello! I'm Hidden Tempest, from clan Winterstorm Mountain, but everybody just calls me Hidey. I'm told it's a common human name. Welcome to my shop, the Hidey-Hole!" She pauses for a moment. "It's a pun, you see. Tabaxi like puns. It's based off of my name, and that you can only find your way in here if you're in the know, so to speak. Or if you hear the explosions and go through the holes they leave. So I guess, now that I think about it, it's a three-way pun." she shrugs.

She gestures at the room, and all the items within. "Please, feel free to look around! I would recommend *not* touching anything, though. Most of it's fine to touch but... well, better safe than sorry. Wouldn't want to lose a potential customer!"

You're apprehensive, and for good reason. She frowns. "I assure you, everything in this shop has been tested. If not by me, then by my friends. I'm very well-connected, you see. I can offer an explanation for anything in here."

So begins your journey into the Hidey-Hole.

[tigirl-and-co]

I just bought two Lopers from @/zooophagous bc I read through the species lore and I love them

I'm adding them to the world of 'Bizarre Things of Varying Usefulness'

The yellow one is named Butterscotch and will be owned by Hidey, bc the idea of the townsfolk talking about 'Heidi and her horse Butterscotch' and then the travellers realize that they are talking about the panther lady and her baby meat-eating beast of burden is really funny to me (plus her having a creature harder to spook is important, since she deals in magical curios)

The grey one is Ronin, and if any of you remember my old owlbear cleric, Kerchak, this guy goes to him. I figure that a loper is somewhat more practical for jungle travel than a typical horse, especially in a world full of monsters.

I should specify that Kerchak is NOT the one riding Ronin, the kid is. Kerchak feels a lot better about leaving the kid in town with a guardian when he goes dungeon delving.

<3333 I love them. I need to draw these babies.

[mejomonster]

Sometimes I feel like I write really... simple? Which isn't a bad thing. Just sometimes rereading my stuff feels like I'm reading a fairy tale (ignoring the actual Faerie Stories I write galore lol)

[crabussy]

sorry you feel that way!! I think you can be kind AND firm. there's no need to let people walk all over you while you're being kind. I just don't really want to be the type of person who is mean first thing before even trying to understand the other person. often times people are rude because others aren't kind to them. I've had people apologise for how they treated me after I responded with kindness instead of spitting insults back at them. people aren't used to it!! sometimes kindness is about being the bigger person. sometimes being unkind is the best choice. but I'd be lying to your face if I said it wasn't the best choice most of the time

I'm so serious about being kind above all else. it has genuinely changed the way I interact with the world on a fundamental level and has made me so so much happier.

[a-book-of-creatures]

I think I stumbled upon some kind of ichthyological forbidden knowledge. Opened up a book of names that were never meant to be read.

You've probably heard of "can-opener smoothdream", right? It's practically a meme by now.

But the thing is, it's a deep-sea fish. And deep-sea fish have historically not had English names because nobody drops them into the conversation over a hot cuppa. Sure, there's generic stuff like hatchetfish and barreleye, but when you want to refer to the actual fish you're probably saying such euphonious phrases as Diretmus argenteus, Sternoptyx diaphana, or maybe even Opisthoproctus soleatus.

So whence "can-opener smoothdream"? Certainly no non-ichthyologist has ever used that name. It's not even a direct translation of the scientific name Chaenophryne longiceps - that would be "long-headed gape-toad". Which to me is even cooler than "can-opener smoothdream".

But I digress. The "dream" bit comes from the anglerfish family Oneirodidae, from oneiros, "dream", because those marvelous fishes look like they came out of a dream (Pietsch, 2009).

Note that Pietsch (2009), more or less the anglerfish bible, uses English names at the genus level only. So Chaenophryne is the smoothhead dreamers genus but no mention is made of "can-opener smoothdreams". So no luck there.

Wikipedia, root cause of a lot of misinformation, has this to say.

"Longhead dreamer" is a far more accurate name. And in fact, despite Wikipedia prioritizing "can-opener smoothdream" (because it's funny?), the links listed use "longhead dreamer" and "smoothhead dreamer" as the name and "can-opener smoothdream" as an alternative.

So. Again. Where did "can-opener smoothdream" come from?

The answer, as it turns out, lies with McAllister (1990).

In the book A List of the Fishes of Canada, ichthyologist D. E. McAllister sought out to list every single fish known to Canadian waters, providing both an English and a French name.

And when there wasn't an English name, like for most deep-sea fishes, he arbitrarily gave them a name. And his names "differ in many instances from the widely accepted names" (Holm, 1998)

This had varying results. This is his name for one of the netdevil anglerfishes.

The humpback anglerfish or blackdevil anglerfish becomes a werewolf (????).

This one is just confusing.

The white-spotted lanternfish or Rafinesque's lanternfish instead becomes...

And most embarrassingly, the Mediterranean spiderfish gets saddled with something that "violates the tenet of good taste" (Holm, 1998).

This then is the original source of "can-opener smoothdream". It was invented by an ichthyologist in 1990, and has seen little to no use outside of how bizarre the name is.

Maybe McAllister's goofier names will catch on. Who knows? They certainly aren't very popular in the scientific community though.

References

Holm, E. (1998) Encyclopedia of Canadian Fishes (review). The Canadian Field-Naturalist, 112, p. 174-175.

McAllister, D. E. (1990) A List of the Fishes of Canada. National Museum of Natural Sciences, Ottawa.

Pietsch, T. W. (2009) Oceanic Anglerfishes: Extraordinary Diversity in the Deep Sea. University of California Press, Berkeley.

[demaparbat-hp]

Hiya!! 👋🏼😄 How's it going? Your fashion taste for Zuko in a Modern AU seems to be artsy, or maybe "formal" is the word. That shirt he wore when he gave Sokka romantic song advice looked Versace🧐. Anyway, I was wondering how you came up with it, he always struck me more as the type that didn´t care much about fashion, so I'm curious about other´s opinions and heacanons about it. And do you have any other fashion headcanons for the rest of the GAang? Also, their music tastes. How did you come up with them? Especially Katara's! 😍

Hello! As it happens, I have a lot of Thoughts and Feelings™ about this, so I'm leaving these over here, and the rest of my ramblings down below the cut!

Let us begin with the Gaang, shall we?

SUKI always struck me as that Pretty Girl from the Gym. She is so incredibly fit it isn't even funny. She could kick anyone's ass, and we'd all thank her. She has this casual gym style that somehow always looks glorious on her, as it should! Comfy yet fashionable clothes for a nice workout or a day in town.

Her music tastes are basically any and all power songs from the eighties and nineties. (Eye of the Tiger, anyone?) She also enjoys metal via Toph, and bands like BSB, NSYNC, or Boyz II Men with Katara. My girl has a very eclectic Playlist and we all love her for it.

SOKKA is That Guy™. Loose T-shirts and shorts everywhere he goes, no matter the weather. He's stupidly into fashion but it doesn't show! At all! And everyone teases him about it. His closet is about 90% Cactus Juice merchandise, hence the "it's the quenchiest!" shirt.

His fashion and music tastes are pretty much the same. He loves poetry but isn't really into lyrics. He'll misinterpret just about anything you place in front of him. His Playlist is mostly vibes and tiktok songs he kind of enjoys. He isn't really into music...at least not as much as his sister.

AANG owns exactly one hoodie, one pair of shorts, and one beanie (THE beanie). Oh, and the crocs—don't forget the crocs. Somehow, he's always wearing the exact same outfit. Every. Single. Day. Ancient Gaang lore suggests that the day Aang goes out without his beanie, it's the end of the world.

His Playlist is the poppiest, most bizarre thing ever. Every single song is Happy by Pharrell Williams levels of happy. Yet sometimes, among the bouncy dance-to songs, you'll find the strangest of things... (He does know what Good Day by Twenty One Pilots is about. That's the reason he likes it so much, actually. And it's so weird.)

KATARA is all about sundresses and loose pants. The epitome of comfortable loveliness. Light fabrics in blue shades, careful embroidery, delicate shoes, and little to no accessories—hers is a simple, yet quite adorable, style. She just needs to add more colors to her usual palette...

She is, first and foremost, a Florence + The Machine girl. It's the Dark Goddess of the Sea vibes, to be honest. Florence Welch is her idol and yes, she will fight you about lyrics interpretation, and win. It may not seem like it, but her music tastes are also very varied.

She draws a little from each member of the Gaang, so you'll hear her humming along to Gorillaz (where did you even find out about them, Aang?), The Weeknd (I...don't think this song means what you think it means, Sokka...), and Hozier (Zuko why did you dedicate Talk to me, Zuko WHAT DID YOU MEAN BY THAT).

TOPH...ah, lovely girl. I'll summarise everything about Toph’s fashion sense in two words: comfort and rebellion. Stuffy dresses forced on her by billionaire parents? No thank you! Give her tank tops with loose shirts and short pants. Bandaids shared with Aang, bracelets from Katara, and even piercings she got in tandem with Sokka. Shoes? What even is that?

Something I love about this fandom is our collective agreement that Toph is into the dirtiest, heaviest, most ear-splitting and soul-crushing death metal of all times. Her Playlist is full of the most obscure names to ever exist, and she can and will blast through your walls with the sheer volume of her speaker.

Zuko. ZUKO.

Even in a modern AU my boy must suffer. That being said, I envision Tales from the Couch as—well, exactly what it is: an ATLA modern AU. While there is not a war to fight, and a lot of plot lines are discarded or expanded upon, much about the core story remains the same.

This is my way of saying that Zuko still goes trough his redemption arc, and it reflects on his fashion choices.

The way you described it works perfectly because of one single reason: in this AU, Zuko is an artist. He had to suppress his love for writing and drawing because of his background and the expectations Ozai had for him (taking over the family company), and a very large part of his redemption arc directly affects his relationship with art.

In the Couch equivalent of S1, Zuko has fallen out of Ozai's graces, and is desperate to protect his place in the company and the Kasai household. He's pretending to be someone he isn't and trying to live up to his Father's image of a perfect heir while still being somewhat cut-off financially, and it shows.

He's all about imposing long coats and a semi-formal style, imitating what he knows Azula and Father would respect. He's striking and sharp and dark. But no matter how he dresses or carries himself (that air of cold superiority and arrogance)—it won't help him when he needs it the most.

In S2, Zuko has hit his lowest point. He's officially disinherited and tossed away by his father, and would be out in the streets if it wasn't for Uncle Iroh. He goes from sharp, high-tailored outfits to old second-hand clothes that hang loosely on his frame. He starts smoking and cuts his hair off, forgoing the undercut for the first time in years.

But then...Father accepts him back. When Zuko returns home, it's with respect to his name and a very high position in his father's company. He's finally the perfect Kasai heir, dressed in overly expensive suits and finery, even at home... But Father forbids him from wearing Lu Ten's earring, and Zuko can no longer recognize himself without the familiar glint of gold dancing on his peripheral vision.

When Zuko leaves the Kasai name behind him and goes back to living with Uncle Iroh...he's finally at peace with who he is, and what he wants in this life. The sharp edges aren't gone (they'll always be a part of him, after all), but now they're dulled by looser clothes and softer hairstyles.

He's an artist, and for once in his life, he is determined to pursue his own ambitions. Zuko's outfits may not be designer-made anymore, but he takes what he has and makes himself look like he wants to look, like the person he wants to be.

He doesn't read fashion magazines or keeps up to the latest trends like Azula does. He's just...Zuko. And his newfound confidence makes everything he wears look like it belongs on him.

As for music...well, Ursa raised a literature boy.

He loves lyric-heavy music and natural voices, be they soothing or powerful. Dissecting song meanings and possible interpretations with Katara is one of his favorite parts of the day. They're both very passionate and strong-minded individuals, so it stands to reason that their debates can get quite...heated.

Zuko's Playlist is both incredibly eclectic and somehow very...him. There's a common thread that binds together every song and artist he likes, and he's hilariously unaware of this. To take a look into his Playlist is a higher honor reserved only for those closest to him.

In the wide spectrum of things, it is no wonder that Zuko is, first and foremost, a Hozier man. But though Andrew is his God in all aspects of this life, there's someone else that has had a huge impact on him...

Two someones, actually.

Zuko refuses to tell anyone how he got into Twenty One Pilots, but it's kind of a moot point when the beginning of his obsession is nothing compared to everything that came after. They have just about the right amount of everything that makes Zuko...well, Zuko. The poetic lyrics, the soothing or raging music, the heavy, intensely resonant themes...

Up there, in the second artwork, I placed an album cover behind each period of Zuko's life. The election of these records is intentional, as I feel like their general themes work incredibly well with Zuko's arc and growth.

Blurryface in S1. For the demons within us. For giving a name to our fears and shame.

Trench in S2. For escaping the confined walls of a depression city, and fighting to understand the depths of the map of your mind.

Scaled and Icy in the first half of S3. For returning to places you had left behind. For convincing yourself and everyone around you that you're fine, that you're perfect, even though everything is crumbling inside...

Clancy in S3. For recognizing that you can backslide, that you can have fears and shame and pain—but you're shaping yourself with each step you take. For knowing that seeking help from others is okay. Nobody learns to walk on their own.

(And, in the end, you'll always be better than the person you were yesterday. If only because you're still here. You're still alive. You're still yourself.)

.

Overall, I rambled a bit too much, don't you think?

If you made it all the way down here—thank you so much for reaching out and being interested in this crazy AU! I hope you enjoy these ideas and tell me some of your own ❤️

[headspace-hotel]

What's up with "humans are weird/human are space orcs" being considered cringe? Any collective body of non-serious work created by writers with varying skill levels including total beginners is gonna have stuff that seems shallow or immature that's just the way it is.

Maybe it's gotten away from the core concept I remember? It's not "what if aliens think humans are badass and cool and special" it's a response to a trope in SFF. Most sci-fi and fantasy uses humans as the frame of reference for what is ""normal."" Either humans are the axis on which the range of variation swings, or humans are default and every other sapient species is cooler, more powerful humans with something added, or an amplification of human traits

But comparing humans with the rest of organisms, we are in some ways really bizarre, doing things waaaaaay out to the left of every other organism. For example, humans can eat just about anything, including many things that are toxic to other animals. We form mutualistic symbiosis like crazy. Compared with the vast majority of animals that exist, we are giant megafauna.

There is a tendency in sci fi to imagine that aliens capable of space travel would have similar traits to us because the things unique about us somehow equip us to become a species capable of interstellar travel and communication, but I think it's more fun to imagine that aliens developed their technologies with a whole different set of adaptations and the human characteristics that we think made us develop technologically are just kinda there

[lilianade-comics]

some thoughts on a College Trio led series

-A somewhat more adult tone, not to the point of obscenity or gross shock humor but the stories, situations, and comedy are "edgier" than what would have been acceptable in DP. Mild innuendos no one comments on, ghost enemies committing crimes that are more serious, the presence of alcohol, etc.

-Mild swearing, but only for Maddie. Jack doesn't swear at all and Vlad is still trapped in food-curse-word purgatory. There is one obligatory joke in the series where Vlad might have been about to drop a real expletive, but Jack cuts him off by blaring the RV's horn at that exact moment.

-No favoritism is shown to any member of the trio. They all get equal chances to be badass and equal chances to be the butt of jokes, of which there are many.

-In my own mind, this series takes place in an "everyone knows" continuity that could possibly be post Phantom Planet or simply follows an AU reveal scenario. This applies to Danny as well, who will occasionally cameo where appropriate. You'd think this level of understanding would make Jack, Maddie, and Vlad more functional as a team, but it does not.

-Vlad is an exasperated & petty tsundere asshole and his helpfullness varies wildly, but he is helping.

-I can't stress this one enough, but a large percentage of Jack and Vlad's interactions involve Jack referencing insane things that happened to them 20 years ago, and Vlad consistently losing his absolute crap because Jack is apparently leaving out key details that make these past events worse and/or Jack's fault.

-Similarly, Jack keeps trying to bring back 20 year old inside jokes and Vlad is not having it, except for one time he actually cracks a smile at Jack's timing, and another time when Jack uses one of these old jokes to discreetly communicate what ridiculous action he's about to take while all their enemies are listening. Vlad pauses to recollect the context of that particular joke and then visibly panics because Jack is probably about to explode the room they're all standing in.

-Vlad's biggest enemy in this series (in his mind) is the correlation between the timing wherein he decides to go ghost and Jack decides to activate the anti ghost shield. Cringefail, thy name is Vlad Masters.

-Identity Crisis, but it's Vlad.

-There's a bizarre filler episode where a bunch of cultists think Plasmius is their feline god incarnate and Vlad is doing absolutely nothing to correct them on that.

[whetstonefires]

Hey you said something about the my hero academia creator being unhinged about sexism, do you mind explaining?

I tried to write like, a thorough explanation of this and it just got longer and longer and longer and I have not touched this series in actual years and yet I've still got all these receipts a;lkjk;lfasd.

So rather than trying to build the whole massive case, here's a pared-down version. It's normal to have sexism in media, and shounen manga especially. Everyone does it. The level and mode and intentionality and so forth all vary, but of course it's there.

What's not normal is to have lots of varied and interesting female characters with discernible inner lives, and on-page discussion of how sexism is systemic and unjust and holds them back in specific ways, and then also deliberately make consistent sexist writing decisions even where they don't arise naturally from the flow of the narrative.

Horikoshi is actively interested in gender and sexism, he's aware of them in a way you rarely see outside of the context of, you know, fighting sexism. He is hung up on the thorny issue of what women are worth and deserve and how power and respect ties into it. He genuinely wants, I think, to have Good Female Characters, and not be (seen as) A Sexist Guy!

But. He doesn't actually want to fight sexism. He displays a lot of woman-oriented anxieties, and one of the many churning paddlewheels in his head seems to be that he knows intellectually that morally sexism is bad, but emotionally he really feels like it ought to probably be at least partly correct.

There are so many things I could cite, and maybe I'll get into some of them later, but the crowning item that highlights how the pattern is 1) at least partly conscious and deliberate and 2) about Horikoshi's own weird hangups rather than simply cynical market play, is Mineta Minoru.

The writer has stated Mineta is his favorite character. Mineta is also designed to be hated--that is, he is a particularly elaborate instantiation of a character archetype normally deployed to soak up audience contempt and (by being gross and shameless and unattractive and 'unthreatening') make it possible to include a range of sexual gratification elements into the narrative that would compromise the main characters' reputations as heroic and deserving, if they were the actors.

Good Guys don't grope girls' tits and run away snickering in triumph, after all. Non-losers don't focus intense effort around successfully stealing someone's panties. Nice Girls don't let themselves be seen half-dressed. And so forth. You need an underwear gremlin for that. So, in anime and manga, longstanding though declining tradition of including such a gremlin, for authorial deniability.

Horikoshi definitely uses him straight for this purpose, looping in Kaminari as needed to make a bit work. And yet he has Feelings about the archetype itself.

The passages dedicated to the vindication of Mineta, then, and the author's statements about him, let us understand that Horikoshi identifies with the figure of the underwear gremlin. He understands the underwear gremlin as a defining exemplar of male sexuality, at least if you are not hot, and finds the attached contempt and hostility to be a dehumanizing attack on all uh.

Incels, basically.

It's not fair to write Mineta off just because he's unattractive and horny (and commits sexual harassment). Doesn't he have a mind? Doesn't he have dreams? Doesn't he have human potential?

So what's going on with Horikoshi and gender, as far as I can figure out, is that he knows damn well that women are people and are treated unjustly by sexist society, but however.

He also understands the institutions of sexism as something protecting him and people like him from life being nebulously yet definitively Worse, and therefore wants to see them upheld.

So you get this really bizarre handling of gender where obviously women's rights good and women cool, women can be Strong, and the compulsory sexualization imposed by the industry isn't them or the author, and so forth.

But also it's very important that in the world he controls, women never win anything important or Count too much, and that jokes at their expense that disrupt the internal logic of their characters are always fair game, that women asked about sexism on TV will promptly get into catfights amongst themselves, and they are understood always in terms of their sexual and romantic interests and value, and sexual assertiveness and failures to perform femininity well enough are used to code them as dangerous and irrational, and that the sexy costumes are requisite and will never be subverted or rebelled against--at most they might be circumnavigated via leaning into cute appeal.

And that Yaoyorozu Momo, who converts her body fat into physical objects, is being frivolous when she wants to use money to buy things instead (rather than as sensibly moderating her Quirk use) and is never encouraged to eat as much as possible at every opportunity to put on weight and even shown being embarrassed by hunger (even though Quirk overuse gives symptoms that suggest she's been stripping the lipids out of her cell walls or nervous system to keep fighting) and always, no matter how many Things she has made, has huge big round boobies.

[nikibogwater]

Everybody sit down and strap in, 'cause I have a doozy of a tale to share.

I've had anxiety for literally as long as I can remember. I've had periods of my life where it was so intense it became legitimately life-threatening (don't worry I promise this is going somewhere funny). And this was really bizarre because I have zero childhood trauma. Like, my family life is so idyllic it's almost comical. Therapists would do abuse screenings on me and look utterly baffled when I told them everything was fine at home. They'd interrogate my parents just to make sure I wasn't lying. I have one friend who I'm fairly sure believed I was just severely gaslighting myself when I said my family was great, school wasn't too stressful, and I've never lived in a dangerous neighborhood or experienced poverty.

Anyways, despite no one being able to figure out where my disorder was coming from, my doctors were able to help me manage the symptoms so that I would like, not die, and actually be able to finish high school. Which was awesome. Now fast forward to late 2021. My big sister (who has also had intense anxiety her whole life which no one could figure out why) is finishing up her doctorate and getting her physical therapist's license. Somehow, during all her studying and schooling, she finds out about this thing called Ehlers Danlos Syndrome, which explains literally everything that was going on with us. EDS is a connective tissue disorder that kinda fudges up your body in a whole bunch of little ways, including dysautonomia (episodes of very fast heart-rate that kick your body into fight-or-flight mode), and hypermobility (unusual flexibility). It's a spectrum disorder, so the severity of symptoms vary from person to person, but we definitely checked almost every box on the diagnostic list. My sister went to see a specialist, and yep, she was diagnosed EDS positive. She immediately calls my mom and goes "I know what's wrong with Niki" (thanks, sis, that's real encouraging lol). Initially we're like "okay Katie, that's nice" because honestly this kind of sounds like jumping at shadows, but I go in to see the specialist anyways just to make sure.

One consultation and diagnosis later, and suddenly my entire life makes perfect sense.

Now we get to the funny part. See, the diagnosis stuff happened in early 2022. So by the time late 2023 comes around and we're looking for a new dog (I promise this is relevant), we've been riding that chronic illness diagnosis for a while. Once again, my sister, ever the proactive one, decides she's going to help us get a new dog. She scours the adoption website, sends us photos of the cutest dogs available, and helps us make a decision. This is how we got Beverly, who has been an unstoppable force of chaos in our lives ever since we signed the papers (but she's also really cute so she can get away with it). Now on top of being a very excitable and anxious pupper, Beverly's got a weird little gimp in her hindquarters, which makes her sit all splayed-out and funny-looking, and while it doesn't seem to be causing her pain, we take her to a vet to get it checked out. Vet finds absolutely nothing. X-rays are taken and examined. Still nothing. At this point, they go "well, we could try a CT scan of her brain, which would run about $5,000, and maybe we could find something--" but my parents are already packing this dog into the car like "well that is a HARD nope." So we decide, look, Beverly seems happy and healthy, and those gimpy legs don't seem to bother her, so we'll just leave it be until it becomes clearer what's wrong with her because we do NOT have a cool $5,000 to throw around here.

Readers more astute than my family and I will likely have already figured out where this is going.

This morning, my mom is looking at Beverly sitting in her funny sprawled-out way, and something in her brain goes "wait...weird physical symptoms with no tracible cause that vets can see..." She does a bit of googling. Can dogs have EDS/Hypermobility? Yes. Yes they can. And the listed symptoms describe Beverly to a T.

So not only is my sister the one to finally figure out what's wrong with me, she also unknowingly got us a dog who has the exact same chronic condition as us. Meanwhile my poor dad, who is the only Normal Person in our house, is coming to terms with the fact that he is apparently just fated to always love chronically ill people and animals, and there's absolutely nothing he can do about it.

[tigirl-and-co]

I’ve started working on a project that i’m unlikely to ever finish. i would very much like if you would read my really good shop description though. I use a normal amount of commas probably

~~~

You walk into a shop, and pretty quickly realize you probably shouldn't have. It's a mess. Items are strewed haphazardly about the place, and the interior is lit not by torches, but by the sheer amount of glowing nonsense lying around (and some neat wall-mount crystals.) The only thing that seems to be any sort of organized is the large potion shelf, kept behind the counter.

Then your other senses kick in. First, the smell. The scent would be subtle, almost alluring, except that it seems to be an impossible amount of alluring scents all vying for your attention, and you think that if you hung around for too long you'd get a headache.

And the noise! The shop isn't loud, not by any means. You'd almost swear something was muffling it, which is good news for your poor ears. Soft hums and whirrs, the bubbling of a boiling liquid or two, mechanical clicks, and some distinctly organic sounds from the next room all combine into something that would be cacophonous if not for the muffling. As it stands, it just makes the place atmospheric.

And the whole place is magic. You don't have to cast any spells to be sure of that -- it washes over you, emanating out from every corner of the place. If you knew what radiation was, you'd be tempted to liken it to getting radiation poisoning.

[smuttysabina]

A Day in the Life

(Chaeryeong x ITZY x Staff x You?, 1900 words)

Curious about how Chaeryeong and the rest of Itzy spend their days training? Well listen in then on this little secret!

"It takes a lot of hard work to be an idol. To master the arts of song and dance, to build the charisma to rule the stage, to navigate the intricacies of sensual activities. To some, it comes easy, a natural fit for their innate abilities, but for most it requires rigorous daily training in all aspects of their job. For Chaeryeong, her day starts at around 7 AM..."

"Chaeryeong is woken up by her alarm, which she then proceeds to snooze while she dozes for some time. Eventually, she gathers the energy to face a new day, and spends a few minutes scrolling through her phone while she fully wakes up. By this time, her roommate Yeji is generally awake, grumbling as she shoos the night's bed-warmers away. Chaeryeong tends to ignore the cavalcade of ravaged interns filing out of her room, even if she may have enjoyed some of them during the evening. Finally, she emerges from her snug cocoon, stretching and yawning as she prepares for yet another busy day of training. First up of course is breakfast, which she enjoys in common room with the rest of Itzy, those that can manage to be awake by then at least. Yuna in particular enjoys sleeping in, still cum-drunk from her late-night escapades with her pillow-pets. Then comes the morning stretches, done wherever the girls prefer to be; Chaery generally ends up doing hers in her room. After limbering up her well-toned body, she then moves on to limbering up her equally well maintained holes.

For this, Chaeryeong has a vast and varied array of sex toys of every conceivable form and function. From the most mundane ordinary dildos, to bizarrely bulging and fluted dongs, to enormous or length hole-wreckers; all have a place in her morning routines. She always makes sure to begin with a normal sized dildo, it doesn't do to rush things, slowly working her pussy until it is nice a wet. Then she moves on to more strenuous objects; some days she goes for depth, prioritizing training her anus with long slipper gut-fuckers, other times she goes for width, stretching her pussy until it gapes so amply she could give birth with ease. A particular favorite of Chaery's is a board with gradually increasing dildos attached to it; the dongs are placed close enough that she is forced to use both of her holes to proceed, until by the end she is forcing gargantuan phalluses into her gushing holes. By the end of the first half of her workout session, Chaeryeong is almost guaranteed to be rather stretched out, with both pussy and ass worked to such a degree that even triple penetration from lusty fans wouldn't bother her in the least. But of course, capacity isn't everything. Any slut with blown-out holes could accommodate several cocks inside of her, so long as she dallies on occasion with larger toys. However, the cocks shoved inside of her would be sorely disappointed by the lack of sensation they would encounter; such holes would be unable to grip their lovers with any sort of enthusiasm.

So after stretching herself to the limit, Chaeryeong proceeds to work her way back down the size chart. Using modified inflatable dildos, she clenches and squeezes them, crushing the air out of them repeatedly until her holes grow tight once more. After this exotic Kegal exercise, Cheary's pussy has grown snug enough once more that she can hold her tiniest toy within her without worrying about it falling out. Such an extreme exercise is what gives her holes that special quality that makes idol pussy so greatly desired: its capability to devour even the largest cock, while still being able to grip the smallest hard enough to drain it in seconds. After Chaeryeong is finished with this morning sexual exercise, she has enough time left in her schedule to relax for a little while; she may even take a shower. She often passes on that though, unless her training was particularly messy, there's no reason to clean off when she will soon be getting dirty soon enough. Plus, stinking of sex and sweat is the norm in Itzy.

Chareyeong then rejoins her fellows in the mirrored room familiar to any dance studio. Her fellow idols would have engaged in the same morning routine she had, with varying levels of enthusiasm; Yeji and Yuna barely even bother with dildos anymore, greatly preferring to hone their skills on flesh and blood cocks. But such activities must cum later, since Itzy first have to spend time honing their more mundane occupational duties. Guided by expert choreographers and instructors, the girls hone their excellent dancing skills that have given them such a fierce reputation on the stage (as well as in the bedroom). Of course, several hours of intense and often erotic exercises leave passions running high, and management is always sure to have attractive interns on hand to spare the more expensive personnel the rigors of getting fucked by lustful idols. Chaery is quite sparing and picky in her choice of sexual partners, preferring to take her time with a couple lovers, rather than rapaciously ravaging a dozen. After exhaustive training, and equally exhausting love-making, Itzy take a break for lunch and relaxation, chattering and bickering with one another as they feast upon a hearty lunch. Following that the girls have the rest of the break to themselves, spending it however they wish.

After an hour or so has passed, Yeji rounds the scattered girls up and herds them to their next station of the day; vocal training. While strong vocal talent has become less important in the 4th Generation, it is still important for the girls to maintain their skills; and even improve upon them. Itzy therefore spend a couple hours training their voices, before moving on to training their throats. Depending on the severity of the lesson, the oral skills being practiced are adjusted according for each girl. Lia, with her natural talents, finds herself practicing her deepthroating techniques far more often than say, Chaery, who commonly hones her tongue and lip skills. Which is not to say that Chearyeong is bad at singing, just that she has to put more effort into it than the others. It doesn't mean that her oral skills are lacking either, she is surprisingly good at tenderly milking her assistant's loads out of their cocks. Chaery and Lia are even generally preferred by the staff for this exercise; Yeji and Yuna have the unfortunate habit of using their teeth a touch too much...

After the girls get their sore and aching throats sufficiently well-lubricated with soothing semen, they move on to their final (official) training of the afternoon; Pilates. Muscles tired from a day's worth of exercise and debauchery, Itzy finish things off with some relaxing stretching. Their bodies lithely coil and strain, to the arousing chorus of sighs and groans as joints pop and crackle. Of course, to those watching it is an incredibly sensual sight, five gorgeous idols putting themselves on intimate display for all to see. Is it any wonder that many require erotic release? But this is Itzy's most important workout of the day, and intimate interruptions would ruin their purpose; so none are allowed to touch them in any way. Which doesn't stop the assistants from ejaculating and squirting all over them. Their experienced instructors nimbly ply their gushing pussies, moaning unashamedly when they are unneeded as they spray girl-cum all over the idols. Meanwhile the water-boys stroke themselves in a frenzy, spewing long ropes of semen all over the stretching girls. Sometimes the employees even copulate right next to their charges, vigorously mating while Itzy calmly go about their routines. Well, not entirely calmly. By this point certain girls will have their crotches soaked with their own fluids, pussies dripping with lust at the sight and smell of sex going on around them. Ryujin usually orgasms several times without touching during this period, squirt puddling around whatever equipment she is currently using. Chaeryeong meanwhile is generally unimpressed by the debaucheries, stoically receiving the sticky offerings of her assistants as she works the day's kinks out of her muscles. When the Pilates session is finally over, all of Itzy are quite literally drenched with sexual fluids; this also marks the end of their structured day.

By now slathered in sweat and sex, Chaery almost always heads to the showers to clean off; unless she is feeling particularly lustful. The rest of Itzy generally joins her, their delays dependent on how much arousal they had to fuck out of themselves before they could shower in peace. After hosing the worst of the day's dried semen out of her hair, Chaery quietly retreats back into her shared room with Yeji; munching on chocolate and watching videos on her tablet. She lays there undisturbed, cheerfully enjoying herself until Yeji drags her out of the room to enjoy a family dinner with the rest of Itzy. After scarfing down her meal, Chaery washes it down with some alcohol, to help smooth out the rest of her evening. As the lover's hour approaches, Itzy pick their paramours for the night; often grabbing several to better satisfy themselves. Many nights, there are even rowdy orgies in the main living area, before the girls retire to their rooms for more... intimate attentions. Unless someone looks like her type, however, Chaeryeong often avoids the gangbang outside; instead patiently waiting for Yeji to return as she idly masturbates. Once things have suitably died down, Itzy's leader rejoins Chaery in their room, hauling along a clutch of appetizing bed-warmers. Yeji is always sure to save the most adorable and kind boys for her darling Chaery; she deserves to have only the most romantic of guys to lay with her. And of course, if Chaeryeong isn't in the mood for more sex, Yeji is always more than happy to satiate herself with them; she does love breaking the good ones in..."

"...And so, either curled up with an exhausted lover, or just by herself, Chaeryeong drifts off to sleep, lulled by the mewling of Yeji's drained pets..." You finish writing and look up from your laptop, seeing Chaeryeong patiently smiling at your from the chair opposite yours. She stretches languidly, and asks if there is anything else you wanted to ask her for your article. You watch her lithe form avidly, before blinking and assuring her that you had all the information you needed. Chaery pouts playfully, well in that case...

Chaeryeong smoothly approaches you, and upon moving your laptop aside, glances down in teasing surprise at the massive bulge on your crotch. Her hand gently touches your quivering member, stilling your embarrassed protests, and she pretends to be shocked by its size. It seems like you still need to ask her some hard questions don't you think? Chaery moves to straddle you, gently pushing her breasts into your face as she beams down at you; she can tell that all that talk made you very excited. So relax, take your time, and enjoy yourself.

Let Chaeryeong show you in-person, how she enjoys spending her nights...

[comicaurora]

Hey red, what's your opinion on some modern writing that's very lamp shady? And do you have any advice on how to avoid "Well that just happened" dialogue?

It's an interesting question!

The thing is, lampshading exists for a reason, but it's not the reason it gets used a lot of the time. Writers might lampshade a narrative choice they're insecure about, while characters lampshade because the things they go through in a typical story are kind of bonkers, and we might expect them to notice. If a character signs on for a simple mercenary expedition and ends up discovering they're the long-lost prince of a kingdom they've never heard of, that's weird and they probably feel weird about it. If an ally is determined to 1v1 their super overpowered nemesis with no help from their friends, those friends might have opinions about how dumb that is.

This is a form of lampshading that doesn't break immersion because it's entirely in-character and doesn't lean on the fourth wall. There's a difference between a character noticing how weird their life is and a character pointing out how cliched a recent experience was. In the latter case, the character is treating their life like a story, and while it IS a story, they shouldn't know that.

There's a spectrum here, with "complete sincerity and taking every turn of the plot at face value" defining the 0-point and "complete self-aware uninvestment" at the far end, but healthy levels of lampshading live somewhere in the middle. Characters at the 0-point accepting everything that happens without question can feel just as weird as characters that won't stop pointing out the TVTropes entry they're currently living. It's about what it makes sense for the character to find disruptive or noteworthy. A hardened badass probably won't see the need to point out how bonkers a recent fight scene was, but a newcomer to the Cool Bombastic Adventure scene might be really excited when they pull off a cool special move and want to point it out.

I think this is why the recent D&D movie worked for a lot of people, because while the main characters all lampshade their lives to varying degrees, the way they do so makes sense for all of them. Edgin is a bard and storyteller so he has a slightly meta perspective on a lot of things, purposefully avoids playing along with certain narrative conventions and sometimes responds to other people's dialogue by critiquing their dialogue instead of just responding normally; Holga doesn't really care to understand how the world works and so keeps pointing out that they should just use magic to solve their problems, which is probably the most popular lampshade in the whole genre; Doric and Simon don't get a ton of time to shine character-wise, but they'll both occasionally poke holes in the pretense of the story they're in. The thing that makes this all work is Xenk, who plays absolutely every moment completely 100% straight and is entirely immersed in the objectively ridiculous setting of D&D. Same goes for most of the villains, except for Forge, who's probably the wackiest and most self-aware character in the entire movie, but in a way that makes him feel callous and disregarding of the people around him, like he's uninvested in the world not because he knows he's a fictional character but because he has too much money and power to care about anything. The ways each character does or does not lampshade their surroundings make sense for who they are as people and reinforce their characterization and place in the world instead of undermining it.

I recently watched a couple episodes of Stargate Atlantis and noticed something similar - the main character and, to a lesser extent, the rest of his associates from Earth have a tendency to make wry observations about his objectively bizarre life and the eccentricities of the people around him, which helps contrast against the extremely serious and businesslike Cool Space Warriors they keep accumulating, which helps make them feel (a) distinct from each other and (b) relatable considering all the weird stuff that happens. And the protagonist switches off the quips as soon as things start looking perilous for his team, so you never get the impression that they aren't invested in the story they're living, and as a result the various quips and lampshades come across more as a habit or a coping mechanism than a disruption to the narrative itself.

So basically I think you can get away with a lot of lampshades as long as the character doesn't feel like they know they're in a story.

[kohakurin8]

~ Elevator Hitch ~

What Does it All Mean!?

A brief theory on the symbolism and lore behind a really cool game

⚠️ WARNING ⚠️

This post will contain SPOILERS for the game and all 14 endings. If you wish to play Elevator Hitch before reading, you can download it for free at this link.

So, Where do we begin?

Elevator Hitch is a really cool isolated-loop surreal horror game. For those of you who aren't familiar with this concept, an "isolated-loop" is a time-loop scenario which only affects a single person, small group of people, single room, etc. — but does NOT affect the entire world or universe. This is where it's common to see things like acquiring an item in your inventory, getting murdered, then waking up again at the beginning of the day with the item still in your inventory.

This concept has been used in various different media, and to varying different degrees of complexity. But, honestly, I think this game is my favorite instance of it so far.

So our story revolves around Protag, a somewhat meek and nervous lil guy who comes to this office building to take an interview for a new job. All he knows is that his interview isn't on the first floor, so he gets in the elevator in an attempt to find it. Before the door closes, Coworker forces his way in, and the elevator suddenly shorts out and jams before you two can begin your journey. The rest of the game is your various attempts to exit the elevator (alive) which get increasingly bizarre — especially after Protag realizes that whenever he dies, time restarts to when they first entered the elevator!

Shame Coworker doesn't seem to remember anything, though...

Now, since the lore within the game is pretty cryptic, none of our questions about the situation ever seem to get totally answered. It's up to the player to theorize and surmise just what exactly is happening to Protag and Coworker, and that's exactly what I've come here to do.

Death and Clues on Every Floor...

Literally! Every floor is a single room containing at least 1 clue, and at least 1 possible death — including the elevator itself. But what's even more important than that is the lore that all of these scenes show you.

Interestingly enough, the lore all seems to revolve around who Protag is as a person, to the point that one of the floors is actually his childhood bedroom.

Kind of intriguing that everything about this environment is centered around him, huh?

Hold onto that thought.

Every room and scenario is increasingly more bizarre, featuring anything from Eldritch-esque beings to settings that could almost pass for torture chambers. Every puzzle requires something from a different floor, making it ridiculously easy to screw up and croak, meanwhile Coworker is so maddeningly unaware that even when he tries to offer advice it's just as cryptic as the situation itself.

It all feels a lot... Like Hell...

Not just as an expression, but actual Hell. Mind rending stimuli navigated through tedious puzzle solving, where the penalty is gruesome death and the only reward is more torture. A neverending loop of suffering and confusion. It's all quite hellish!

At first this feels a bit superficial. "Of course it's hellish, this is a horror game!" But, honestly, good horror like this game is rarely ever bizarre and incomprehensible for the sheer shock value. If all of these allusions were superficial, why would we have such a detailed and cryptic conversation with Manuel, the maintenance worker?

Why would every single "correct answer" to the puzzles have sinister undertones?

Why would the religious subtext in Protag's room be so subtle and yet so distinct at the same time?

So if we humour ourselves and follow this train of thought then that leads one to wonder...

Why would Protag be in Hell?

Good question! After all, he doesn't even seem to be aware of having any initial death!

But, we are given breadcrumbs to what sort of person Protag is through the various different scenarios that ensue. Some things are minor details, like his lack of remorse for feeding an innocent rat to a hungry black hole. Others are more intense and significant, like the clues in his bedroom...

Let's start with pointing out the obvious direction that Protag's dialogue trees nudge you in.

After all, this game is a visual novel, so of course there are points when your dialogue options matter and can very well change the outcome of the situation. However, most VNs have options that are distinctly "good" or "bad" for the story directions, often leading the player on a journey of teaching the protagonist how to be a better person.

But Protag.... doesn't become better...

All of his dialogue options are either:

• Confusion, Frustration, Disbelief

• Self-Deprecating, Meek

• Deceptive

• Lashing Out

Obviously some of these options are better for certain scenarios. Deceiving Coworker into giving you his lighter is a way better idea than trying to steal it and burning you both to death.

And deceiving your Doppelgangers into trusting you before your brutal betrayal is arguably better than trusting them and getting betrayed in return.

But none of these options point to Protag being a good person. As much as he learns to adapt to his environment, nothing he does teaches him how to be a better person than he started out as. In fact, some of them even lead him to commit murder himself!

Of course, this isn't saying that Protag is necessarily a bad person either. After all, his initial reaction to the Doppelgangers is to trust them and even show them pity.

We also get a lot of information about Protag from the floor that mimics his childhood bedroom. He was monitored constantly by overbearing and religious parents, to the point that one of the Bad Ends is his parents entering the room.

He couldn't sleep, plagued by nightmarish beings which he even made drawings of, and had to take sleeping pills just to cope (which may or may not have been hidden from his parents as well)

Considering this, and just the sheer amount of existential dread Protag has upon visiting this floor, it's very possible that his parents were abusive. His personality issues are probably a result of that abuse, meaning even though he isn't necessarily a good person, he also isn't inherently a bad one.

The Allusions of Suicide...

This should honestly come as no surprise, but this game does have a lot of potential allusions to suicide. Especially when taking into account what suicide means in Christianity...

I first noticed this in the dialogue on Floor 9 with Normal Guy, as well as the dialogue contained in Ending 13 (screenshot above). During the interview on Floor 9, Protag seems to struggle with answering most of the questions. When asked why he wanted a new job, all of the answers imply that he doesn't actually know why, and when asked why he left his old job, Protag states that "it wasn't a Real Job" or at least not one viewed as respectable.

Then, when attempting to leave the Lobby on Floor 1, Protag is blocked by an alarming figure who berates him. The figure taunts Protag with phrases he's likely told himself, like "you worked so hard to get here" and especially "you NEED this job"

Now, this game absolutely LOVES its workplace puns, and something about these ones just struck me as significant. Upon further reflection on everything going on, I realized that these phrases are almost synonymous with suicidal thoughts.

As someone who's experienced this myself, I understand that a lot of suicidal thoughts are rooted more in the desire for change, and not the desire for death. So consider this...

Protag isn't looking for a new job, he's looking for a new life. His old life didn't feel "real" or "respectable", likely because of whatever abuse he endured from his parents. After all, his childhood bedroom is described by him as his "old place", meaning he likely was living with his parents until somewhat recently.

So then when he finally passes the interview — passes this hellish elevator trial of self-discovery — and tries to flee, he's stopped by the thoughts of regret for taking his own life.

"You worked so hard for this new life, why are you throwing it away?"

"You NEED this change."

"You can't go back to what you were before."

Then there's the Sleeping Pill found in Protag's bedroom. It's not found in a pill bottle or any other typical storage, but rather it's under the bedsheets. This gives the impression that the pill either fell out of Protag's hand in bed, or that he was hiding the pills from his overbearing parents.

Then there's the fact that sleeping pills are a very common medium for attempted suicide.

This leads me to suspect that Protag either overdosed in an attempted suicide as a child, causing his parents to become even more protective.

Or... This is how Protag ended up at the office building in the first place...

Welcome to Protag's Purgatory

Yeah, you may have guessed it already, but I am in fact suggesting that Protag has committed suicide and is currently trapped in Purgatory. After all, if you consider the distinct hint at his religious background, it's not unlikely to be following the Christian belief that suicide will condemn you to Purgatory. In fact, the opening of the game, where Protag feels like the only one who doesn't know where he's going, is a reference to the nature of Purgatory.

Consider, also, the nature of the game. Everything you do in it is a sort of trial, and it all tests the nature of Protag's true self. Not to mention that Purgatory is an unchanging limbo, just as the game paints a picture of an unending time-loop on repeat.

Protag took his own life, and his penance is to be trapped in an unending trial of self-discovery. Floor 9 resembles Heaven, like Cloud 9, where Protag is administered one final test. Normal Guy gives Protag the option to have become a better person, and possibly pass on to a better afterlife, however our dialogue tree tells us that Protag hasn't reached that level of self acceptance yet.

Therefore, the only options are what appears to be working in Purgatory (possibly like Manuel), enduring the trial over and over again, or as hinted by the eerie staircase downward in Ending 14, descent into Hell...

You're probably wondering if this theory accounts for Coworker, and it certainly does. After all, he seems rather unperturbed by the events he's undergone. I suspect he also committed suicide, but didn't have the same background of religious guilt that Protag had growing up. Coworker knows that he's supposed to go to the top, that he's supposed to pass on. He's at peace with who he is and where he's going, therefore he doesn't endure the same personal torture that Protag does.

No matter what ending you get in Elevator Hitch, nothing truly changes for Protag, because he himself hasn't changed. It's possible that there is some sort of future where Protag can change and move on — in fact, Normal Guy even hints that speaking to Coworker more could be the key to his salvation — but this possible future is one we will never see.

Because that's not the point of the game. The point is to become immersed in the torture which Protag goes through, and to try and unravel the mysteries of who he is and what he's enduring.

So there's my thoughts on the game. I hope you all enjoyed reading, and I'd love to hear any comments or input you have!

[agoddamn]

Natural blond Rex is a fun interpretation (and in many ways, the simplest) but I'm in love with the bizarre implications of him dying it. Like. The apparently natural human instinct to go full Eminem?

But also it puts the interesting idea in my mind that the Kaminoan conditioning relied a lot on an invisible leash. Most clones seem fairly satisfied with their upbringing, and even show nostalgia and affection for Kamino as a homeworld.

Instead of assuming that the clones are all mistaking murderous misery for normalcy (ie common fanon depictions of 'decommissioning' where they're put in a meat grinder for sneezing funny) what if the Kaminoans read Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs and gave them, you know, enrichment?

You wear a helmet, sure you can dye your hair. Are your marks good? Do you fall in line when ordered? Do you still remember your number above all else? Then of course, why not give you a bit of recreation?

Animals go insane when their enclosures have no enrichment. Of course Kaminoans would realize humans are just the same and need little 'irregularities' (planned for and allowed ones, of course) to keep everything running psychologically smooth.

Hell, maybe the clones even think the Kaminoans are kind for allowing them to vary their own hair (within acceptable helmet regulations)! Why not give a guy a bottle of peroxide and a sink if such a little thing can convince him to die for you? The Kaminoans are never going to be threatened by a clone showing a little individuality when they know they have the ultimate trump card of the chips.

It also brings them more in line with the modern (US) army, which relies on a lot of Stockholm Syndrome mind games (for lack of a shorter phrase) and "positive" reinforcement to build cohesion and get people in a state of mind to kill and die easily.

[panlight]

Of all the Cullens, for some reason it tickles me to imagine Jasper sitting down to write essays and do diorsmas for school. He's just seen too much, did too much compared to all of them to have an even somewhat reasonable masquerade as a teenager. You mean the man with the thousand yard stare is 16 years old? Okay. Out of all of them, his time playing pretend is the hardest to imagine. From breaking heads off to making a Styrofoam model of a animal nucleus. Hahah

Oh I agree. He's the one where I think about it for two seconds it's just so utterly absurd he's in school. And it's not even about his shaky self-control, it's that this guy is the oldest after Carlisle, is 19/20 years old physically, and spent 90 years in endless vampire war and now he's subjected to writing another essay on The Great Gatsby? How is that not hugely humiliating and completely pointless?

His dates vary between the books and the guide, but he is 19-20ish and Emmett is 20 and both are too old for high school. They're also 6'3" and 6'5". I mean on her very first day Bella sees them and says they look more like teachers than students, so the whole "blending in" excuse completely falls apart.

Is this supposed to be some kind of punishment or atonement for him? Edward calls high school purgatory, which is a place where you work off your sins and are purified before being allowed into heaven. But how does physically 20-years-old ex-vampire-warlord Jasper atone for anything by graphing parabolas?

Or is it really just like "well Alice looks the part and wants (?) to go to high school and I want to be where Alice is?"

Or did SM not think about this for two seconds? The story would not change AT ALL if Edward and Alice, as the two youngest-looking (I think Alice is technically older than Rosalie but her small stature makes her pass for younger) were the only ones in high school. Jasper's presence at school doesn't matter, neither do Emmett's or Rosalie's.

It's just such a bizarre thing to think about. What a strange use of his eternal life. What would Maria think to see him sitting in school?