#bing died before there was such a thing as the internet

[jmdbjk]

It’s beginning to look a lot like...

...Bing Crosby shared Tae’s cover of the song on their Instagram stories.

In case you didn’t know, Bing Crosby was one of the most popular and influential musical artists of the 20th century worldwide. He was a leader in record sales, radio ratings, and motion picture grosses from 1926 to 1977. 

Tae did a really nice job on the song (Soundcloud link). His vocals really do express this genre beautifully. 

[alicerosejensen]

Heyyyy hope you’re doing well!!

Please can you imagine Leon (re6) loosing his shit because they kidnapped his girlfriend and he’s like trying everything to get her back? Imagine him crying as soon as he gets to hug her again!😭

I'm fine as long as I have a laptop connected to the internet and food)

In fact, this is one of my favorite plot tropes, when someone is kidnapped, and the main character is ready to burn the whole world to the ground, but to find an expensive person.

Leon, despite his moral principles, I think he could have made many sacrifices. In particular, he would definitely lose his temper if he grabbed onto any thread to find his beloved. At least he didn't stand on ceremony with Patrizio.

Thus, there will be little left of the scoundrel who kidnapped his girlfriend.

Something constantly happens to the poor girl of Leon (either she runs away from him, or she is stolen from him). Sorry, I just love their relationship and Leon, who is ready to kill for his loved ones :D

I still know shit English, but enjoy it if you're interested.

Please read with extreme caution! There are mentions of physical violence, kidnapping and a maniac!Yandere

Leon is a little paranoid when it comes to protecting his loved ones, so most likely he will insert some tracking device into your phone or earrings to be sure that his beloved is safe.

He tries not to violate personal boundaries, but understands that his beloved is in potential danger in relation to him. Therefore, you are under additional invisible protection.

All you need to know is that Leon is not abusing his position as a federal agent. There is no surveillance on you, it's just that if something happens, he wants to have time to prevent it before the irreparable happens (or he goes on a binge again).

His heart sinks at the thought that he may lose you for some reason. Any encroachment into your personal space by outsiders who create discomfort for you make Leon enter the defender mode (aggressive if necessary). You should be safe.

Since Leon is known to a minimum of people about Leon's love interest, the risk is minimal that you will be harmed. At least Leon considered the threat from various corporations and bioterrorists. He didn't even think about the fact that there is some bastard stealing your things.

It was some little things: pencils, hair bands, a pocket mirror, lip gloss. Yes, you said something to him about it, but maybe you just dropped them out of your backpack?

He was calm exactly until you became too nervous. It seemed that you were afraid of something and called him a couple of times with a request to meet on the way home. Leon is not one of those who will refuse, but your behavior worries him.

And when you were walking home, Leon felt your painful grip on his arm.

His main priority is your well-being. "So tell me, pretty girl, what's going on with you?" Don't think I haven't noticed this nervousness.

He will be wary when he hears that someone is following you and dragging your things. Of course you could have lost them yourself, but the chiffon scarf that Leon gave you was the last straw. In addition, you showed him the abnormal love notes that someone constantly threw into your purse.

Outwardly, it did not affect him in any way, but the stingy "I'll deal with it" means a lot. The anxiety level has increased and Leon is worried that some kind of psycho might hurt you.

He often calls and asks if everything is in order and when you need to be picked up from college. However, when you don't answer the phone, everything dies inside him.

The moment he realizes that you have been taken away, a monster wakes up in him, which can bring down hell on your abductor.

His emotional state constantly fluctuates from constant fear for your lives bordering on panic to Ustanak whose task is to find you and finish off the son of a bitch who dared to take you away from him.

"No god will help this son of a bitch when I find him."

It's sad that you lost your phone on the day of the abduction and did not put on earrings. But a nice little bracelet will save you.

are a fucking goddess.

When you wake up, of course, you will be scared. However, you will try to intimidate the criminal by saying that he is so obsessed with you in vain. "Seriously, my boyfriend will come after me and gut you" You don't think Leon will kill anyone at all, so maybe your words don't sound too confident when the kidnapper's hand is stroking your head.

Do you panic when a fucking psycho says it's some kind of date? No one here hears your screams, you can't run away because you're handcuffed. You can't even go to the toilet on your own only under his control, and this causes you a deep psychological trauma. He brings you a fucking lilac, weaving thin twigs into your hair.

"Why me?" - This is the only question that is spinning in your head when you are hysterically pulling out purple flowers, throwing them away from you. - "Am I going to die here?"

You literally go crazy from the smell of dampness and lilac. Constantly shout Leon's name as if he can hear you and immediately breaking into a loud cry, banging on the walls and the locked door.

You're clearly getting claustrophobic.

While you're suffering, Leon is trying to track the fucking signal on one of your trinkets, but he's afraid that you left that day without any jewelry at all.

Claire is definitely one of those people who can talk some sense into Leon while he's looking for you. Considering that the bug gives a bad signal (or maybe your bracelet was damaged due to the fact that you constantly pull it from nerves) from the basement and your location is difficult to track, Leon has already yelled at Chris

You feel like a frog in formalin or even some kind of toy when your abductor brings you clean clothes, which you throw back to him. It's risky to make him angry like that and you really regret it when brute force is used to force you to change clothes.

Yes, then they "take care" of you, but you are already a cornered mouse. The purple marks on your skin and the marks from the handcuffs are now a reminder of who is in charge here.

And you hate that bastard more and more. Unfortunately, you have absolutely nothing to even hit him with. The food that he brings you in plastic dishes, as well as cutlery. You try not to eat, fearing that he might have mixed something in there, but you are forced by force.

It's been three days, and Leon hasn't found you. You feel like you're starting to go crazy until you hear a muffled noise from somewhere above.

All your belongings (including the bracelet) were seized and probably thrown away, leaving you in one long T-shirt, the smell that causes you to have a gag reflex. You literally have nothing on but this rag and underpants

All your belongings (including the bracelet) were seized and probably thrown away, leaving you in one long T-shirt, the smell that causes you to have a gag reflex. You literally have nothing on but this rag and underpants

Has anyone ever told you that you are not the luckiest person?

You tried to attack from behind when they stopped stroking you. It was risky and you failed because the kidnapper reacted before you swung to strike.

You were very painfully punished, left lying on the damp floor in a terrible state, all in tears and without an evening meal.

It's been four terrible days in your life. All because you fiddled with your bracelet too much, which turned out to be thrown away quite far from the place where you were, forcing Leon to go on a false trail.

You felt terrible. It didn't take long to break you. You no longer hoped to see daylight or your loved ones, so you crawled into the farthest corner curled up in a ball and cried.

Having lost track of time due to another fit of hysteria, you did not want to pay attention to the opening door and hurried steps in your direction.

Preferring not to pay attention to your enemy, you became even more hysterical when he tried to turn you around to face him, affectionately calling you "angel".

That's what infuriated you. But when you opened your eyes in another attempt to attack, you froze in disbelief at your own eyes. Have you already gone crazy in this place? So fast, or was Leon really in front of you?

His light blue eyes were dark. Not as bright as usual, but maybe it's because of the lighting… Strong hands carefully examined your body for the number of bruises.

You looked away in the direction of the open door - your freedom, but you felt Leon's fingers gently tracing over your split lips.

You've never seen such quiet hatred before. You were shivering from the cold, feeling that tears were still flowing down your cheeks, and tried to snuggle up to Leon in search of protection and warmth.

But Leon himself pressed you to him, slightly lifting up his T-shirt, checking for underwear. You flinched, and then you heard a single question when you grabbed his back with both hands, pressing your head against his chest.

"That son of a bitch…" - Leon gritted his teeth, still looking at your stolen things on the floor. - "I'll kill him"

The fuse clicked.

Leon took off his jacket, putting it on you (with great difficulty, because you did not want to interrupt close contact with him), and then easily picked up in his arms, like a small child, carrying out of this basement. You closed your eyes just to not see anything else. Leon's scent worked better than any strong sedative, and you wanted him not to let you go anymore.

So small. Defenseless. Bruised all over. He will kiss you on the temple, looking at the sprawled bastard with such a look that it will be clear how it will end. Leon will hand you over to Claire, despite your growing hysteria over the loss of hugs, and do what he has planned.

It's going to be pretty bloody. He expressed some regret about Patricio, but Leon will never forgive someone who hurt you, leaving a scar on your soul. So he'll empty the whole clip on him.

Because of this, he will have some problems, but you are the priority. You will undergo a full examination at the hospital, where Leon will be reassured (partially) that your violence ended with beatings. In general, there are no physical injuries, but both Leon and Claire understand what condition you will be in.

He will take care of you. Try to do everything so that you don't remember that four-day nightmare. He will find a good therapist, but if your brain decided to erase these memories on its own, a kind of protective reaction to stress, then it will even calm him down.

Leon understands the reason for your detached behavior. He is glad that you are not afraid to let him near you, thereby subconsciously making him your shield. he's ready to be one before you start trusting people again.

No one heard it, but Leon was really crying quietly when it was over. You were sleeping after taking a sedative dose, and he was sitting in the bathtub thinking only that he could not save you faster.

He won't touch you once again for fear of triggering some kind of trigger, but in your head it is Leon the hero savior. Therefore, if you are looking for protection in him, then it's even good, because this is how he hopes to redeem himself before you.

In the end, you are faced with dissociative amnesia. You realize that something terrible has happened, but you have a lapse in memory. Leon will be the one who will start distracting you from your memories by persuading you not to remember. He really considers it a gift of fate and will go out of his way so that you don't touch this moment of life at all, leaving him behind a black curtain.

And yet one day he burst into tears clutching to his chest. While you sleep next to him feeling completely safe, Leon will need to hug you tightly and come up with better ways to protect you. He feels guilty that he did not save you and this feeling of guilt will gnaw at him for a long time.

"I'm sorry… sweetheart, I'm so sorry… - what you hear in your sleep. - "Never again…no one will hurt you. Never."You don't remember a damn thing, but you're scared because Leon is crying kissing the top of your head.

He won't let anyone else take you away.

[shinesurge]

I think it's a side effect of having a slightly bigger audience than before, but this year I've been getting a LOT of questions about offering digital editions of the KC books so I wanted to talk about it out loud for a bit.

There are a bunch of complicated reasons I've never offered the volumes as digital downloads, and I think they mostly boil down to concerns about the pretty embarrassing lack of significant internet presence Kidd Commander has accumulated over the 11 years it's been running. The audience I DO have is very enthusiastic, and let me be clear that I appreciate how unique and cool that is, especially in the era we're in where I really have no business running things the way I do lmao

The problem is, in refusing to do any of the predatory social media bullshit that tricks people into doing advertising for my comic while pretending it's a fandom, and by taking initiative to build fandom spaces for people to hang out in myself, I've created an extremely insular community where folks don't really feel any need to help it grow. "If you build it they'll come" is true, but the other half of that is people going "hey neat this thing builds itself!" and you end up with dozens of fandom posts, hours of discussion, and even fanwork locked away in inaccessible spaces while the pages on the site consistently get no comments or interaction and the public tags are empty.

WHAT does this have to do with digital editions lol

The idea was, a thing that helps set KC apart is the webcomic thing where you're not only checking a site regularly as a routine, but you're building some impression of the author as well. My little news posts are bundled with the pages, the site gives a sense of Environment in way static editions don't. In return for offering nearly a thousand pages of completely free content the reader has to Encounter Me at some point, and be made aware that this is an operation being run by a single person, and that its survival is entirely dependent on other people reading it and supporting it. Going to the site ALSO at least lets people know a comment section /exists/, and there COULD be a community to participate in. You don't get that with the books as much, but the books are almost exclusively going to folks who already read the comic, I don't think they're floating around out there to many people who didn't buy them directly from me after reading it online.

It is objectively easier for people to binge an archive they can carry around offline with them, I completely get it. But I've watched SO many new readers fall in love with this thing in real time as they leave comments behind them through the archive, and even just forming the habit of checking the site regularly really goes a long way towards forming enough of a connection with a reader for them to stick around for the long haul. If you just read it all isolated on your phone, it stops there; it's easy to forget it's an independent operation that desperately needs your support, /I/ have no idea whether you liked it or if people are even reading, and when you're finished you'll move on to something else because there's no visible fandom to engage with.

I don't WANT to think this is what will happen, but it's already been happening here for years even without proper channels. I sort of feel like this would just be facilitating my own demise lmao. All the comics who run the way I do were ALREADY popular back before the landscape shifted to fast-fashion sensibilities, so Girl Genius offering digital editions doesn't really harm them, you know? By the time forums died their community was already so stable and self-sufficient they could quit updating the main story for a whole year and not even feel it. Gunnerkrigg is signed on with fuckin Dark Horse now. People doing the things KC does got in early and stabilized before I even got started, fandom is a different world now and I'm already barely keeping this train running on my own as it is.

But on the other hand: accessibility!! HOW many times have I wanted to engage with something but they WONT LET ME PAY THEM FOR THE THING I WANT so I just leave!! The alternative here isn't "oh if i FORCE THEM to read it online they'll stick around" it's "if i can't read it how i want then i'm skipping it". That makes total sense, /I/ do that! What about people who want the extra content in the books but can't pay international fucking shipping!! It's also an Archival issue, which absolutely kills me, but that's a whole other post lmao. There are extremely good reasons to offer another option for reading my work, but I am so anxious this would just be putting a nail in this stupid coffin I've been building already.

I've been having this conversation a lot, mostly with Lee, but it came up again this morning in an email and regardless of my own feelings: this is a thing people want, a very reasonable thing, and if I fail to provide it that's just bad business. Do y'all here have any thoughts about all this? I would like to give the people what they want and y'all are The People.

Anyway buried way down here so far I'll make another post about it: I /am/ going to offer the specials as digital downloads, permanently in the shop. They're old books by now, I'm having issues keeping them in stock anyway, and they DON'T exist online anywhere, so this isn't technically any skin off my back outside of piracy issues, which. would be a stupid thing to fret about lmao

thanks for reading all this! I'm gonna go sort through pdfs for a while

[crazy-pages]

This Stuff Sinks In Deep

So I was talking to my mother the other day.

She's a therapist, one of her specialties is eating disorders. She's been doing this since literally before eating disorder certifications were a thing with the APA. She got into it because she had anorexia herself and was helped by therapy. And I think maybe she's developed orthorexia in spite of overcoming that, as age has started to affect her body. She's considered to be one of the best eating disorder therapists in my hometown, a city with one of the highest per capita concentration of psychologists in the US and also one of thinnest, which is relevant here.

Well when we were talking, she mentioned anorexia's BMI criteria. (And yeah she knows BMI is an absurdity of a metric, but she was not questioning the concept of anorexia having a fat-related criteria.)

So I laughed and said, "Hah, the best criteria for anorexia, the criteria which makes the majority of anorexia 'atypical'."

And this is where things get sad.

Because I'm up to date on 'atypical' anorexia research. How the majority of anorexics actually do not meet the BMI criteria and are therefore considered 'atypical', but nevertheless experience the same behavioral symptoms, thought patterns, health consequences (including the cardiovascular and bone stuff that sticks with you), morbidity correlations, mortality rates, etc. I'm even familiar with the research of someone living in the area near my mother, on how atypical anorexics have worse outcomes actually, because of massively delayed treatment (on the order of years). Because, you know. I'm a research scientist and I grew up cutting my teeth on my mom's psych research journals. And I listen to Maintenance Phase which is how I learned about the researcher near her (hey sometimes pop culture science is how you find sources). And you know. It's my mom's thing and she's important to me. Of course I still keep up with this stuff.

And my mom said, "What?"

"You know. 'Atypical' anorexia? The majority of actual anorexia cases? People who meet every other criteria but just don't reach the supposed BMI threshold? Have the same symptoms? 'Atypical' anorexia? Why what do you call it?" (I assumed she had some less nonsense term for it than 'atypical' anorexia, so atypical anorexia didn't immediately register for her.)

"What?"

"The ... the diagnosis? Atypical anorexia? Same exact diagnostic criteria and presentation as anorexia nervosa except for the BMI criteria? Same health outcomes? Sufferers experience additional difficulties seeking treatment?" (She's my mom, she was just having a brain fart about the term. I learned everything I know about anorexia from her. Right?)

"Uh, are you talking about one of those new agey disorders people sometimes throw around, that's not in the DSM 5? Those aren't necessarily reliable you know. I think you're thinking of binge eating."

"What?! Mom, no, no no no. Atypical anorexia nervosa. Same symptoms, but the person has a higher minimum weight before the body stops losing mass. Or you know, shuts down and dies."

"Sweetie I don't think that's a real thing. That's not in the DSM, at the very least."

"?!?!?!?!" (Maybe she's right, there's sometimes bias against the inclusion of disorders which bring focus to systemic medical malpractice.)

*ten seconds of internet search later*

"Uhhh, no mom. It's right there. In the DSM 5 for 11 years now. Atypical anorexia nervosa. More people have it than 'typical' anorexia nervosa. It's the most common presentation of the disease you specialize in?" (at this point my voice was getting kind of thin and reedy)

And my mom just. Had no idea. Didn't really want to hear it either. I pulled sources. Got her to pull up the DSM definition for herself. But she stayed wedded to the idea that anorexia is defined by weight and that someone with an eating disorder who didn't hit the anorexic threshold (or wasn't on their way there) must be something other than anorexic. They must be periodically binging, or that it was a way to describe temporary disordered dieting or-

My mom's helped a lot of people with anorexia over the years.

After that call I ended up staring at the ceiling and wondering how many people with it she's hurt, because she thought they couldn't have anorexia. How many of her own clients might be in the population sample of that local researcher who investigated the harms done to 'atypical' anorexics by a medical system that refuses to recognize their symptoms.

There's the obvious and brutal story here, about how deep fatphobia goes in medicine, even among those who heal its consequences. But also...

To my friends? If we're ever talking and you realize I'm stuck in mental rut like this, fixated on some old conception of something, just ... I dunno. Say "red light". That'll be the signal for me to shut the fuck up and treat whatever you're about to say really seriously, with the assumption I have gone terribly astray.

[hexedwinchester]

Being a FanGirl is tough...

You're in love with someone you can never have because they are fictional

Finding someone with the same level of crazy as you is hard. Thank god for fan pages and sites like Tumblr

You run out of storage because you have to save every single picture of your favourite. Anyone else has downloaded videos from YT because what if the user decides to delete it?

Fangirls from before the internet era literally spent hours scanning newspapers, magazine and journals to cut out clippings of your favourite

Fandom merch is expensive!! What do you mean that's $100 for a "Saving People, Hunting Things, The Family Business" coffee mug?

Saving up money for months only see that special edition Funko Pop was sold out in under a minute

Being a fangirl outside of the US is a completely different battle because your country is not listed on comic cons or concerts, buying merch means paying the twice price of the product for shipping and worse, you can't watch shows along with the US

Others don't understand your obsession and assume you are lonely or don't have a life. Umm.. wrong! We just love our fandoms passionately

Thousands of fanfics but not a single is about your ship

You lie to yourself it's a healthy obsession but you end up being completely consumed by it

Your favourite show gets cancelled. Your favourite character dies. There's no one to grieve with you

You binge watch all seven seasons in two weeks now you have wait for two years for the next season to come out

People think you are crazy for celebrating birthdays of your actors or characters or band. Don't let them pull you down. You go wish Jared Padalecki happy birthday this month!

[scratchybongvt]

THE MASCOT WHEEL OF MISFORTUNE! (Sidemascots 1.8)

Starring:

THE SIDEMASCOTS!

Vinicius: Season- WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Yodli: What?

Vinicius: Someity won the spot, not you!

OC IV: Sorry guys, I forgot to install the Sidemascots 1.8 update.

Sumi: That’s what happens if you don’t save your game. Idiots.

[Technical difficulties]

THE SIDEMASCOTS!

Vinicius: Season 1!

Vinicius!

Sumi: Good luck Vinicius!

Vinicius: Thanks!

Sumi: The wheel of misfortune has chosen… Strip club!

Vinicius: STRIP CLUB?! Who suggested this? Paralympic Phryge?

Soohorang: She died in episode 5. #squidgame

Sumi: Spend a single night at a strip club in Paris!

Everyone: OOOOOOOOOH!

Vinicius: I’m only 15 in human years.

Sumi: Mascot age doesn’t matter, Vini. Mascot age doesn’t matter.

Vinicius: I’m going, I’m going…

Miraitowa: Who knows if he’s drunk too…

Sumi: Agreed, then we’ll have drunk Vinicius before GTA VI!

Wenlock: Forget GTA VI! We’ll have that game before BFO finishes!

Sumi: STOP! BEFORE @crackheadfromsainsburys KILLS YOU ALL!

Crackhead: (outside the studio) BFO WILL FINISH BEFORE GTA VI! PROMISE!

Sumi

Sumi: Can anyone say “good luck” on Vini’s behalf?

Burke: Good luck Sumi!

Sumi: Thanks! The wheel of misfortune has chosen… BINGE WATCH?!

Burke: I suggested it!

Sumi: HOW?!

Burke: Sumi, who have to sit and binge watch your own YouTube channel!

Everyone: OOOOOOOOOH!

Sumi: It’s MY YouTube channel, I’ll survive!

Burke: GOOD LUCK!

Miraitowa

Burke: Vinicius and Sumi left. So from now on, it’s me hosting!

Honohon: #biastowardsocivsfriends

Burke: Good luck, Mirai!

Miraitowa: Thanks!

Burke: The wheel of misfortune has chosen… REPLAY!

Miraitowa: REPLAY?!

Burke: You and Honohon have to replay that null and void quarter-final in FC25!

Honohon: But it doesn’t have the J-League!

Burke: REVENGE FOR TRYING TO PLAY EFOOTBALL!

Soohorang: Forget wheel of misfortune, it’s the wheel of sabotaging.

Miraitowa: Fine. Let’s go.

Burke: JUSTICE!

Burke

Burke: Good luck, me. The wheel of misfortune has chosen… SPANKING?!

Everyone: OOOOOOOOOH!

Soohorang: I’ll do it!

(Transition)

(Burke gets one spank on the butt per second by Soohorang)

Borobi: Where do I get this before mate?

Wenlock: Sidemascots 1.2 flashbacks…

Borobi

Burke: Ow, my butt… Go! The wheel of misfortune has chosen… Forfeit your favorite sport!

Borobi: What do you mean, mate?

Burke: Stop watching AFL for a month!

Everyone: OOOOOOOOOH!

Borobi: The AFL season’s already over!

Burke: Oh. Here’s an even worse forfeit, refrain yourself from watching sports entirely for a month!

Borobi: NO!

Everyone: OOOOOOOOOH!

Borobi: What am I supposed to do then mate?

Burke: Maybe spend your time on preserving indigenous languages.

Borobi: Oh yeah, maybe right.

Wenlock: It’ll be a matter of time until he watches sports again.

Burke: Oh yeah…

(Transition to Borobi’s house)

Borobi: What are you taking away from me, mate?

Burke: Your TV!

Borobi: What about…

Soohorang: Your phone!

Borobi: What about…

Wenlock: The signed Brisbane Lions tank top!

Borobi: Oh. I don’t care about it anyway mate.

Soohorang: How about the Suns?

Borobi: NO MATE!

Burke: The titans?

Borobi: NO!

Wenlock: Brisbane Roar?

Borobi: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (cries) ERIK PAARTALU, MY IDOL!

Soohorang: No internet, no memorabilia, no access to the outside world, no nothing! You’re grounded!

(Borobi sobs)

Tina

Burke: Go! The wheel of misfortune has chosen…

Tina: Support Rival?!

Burke: Tina, for a week, go and support AC Milan!

Everyone: OOOOOOOOOH!

Tina: What about the Inter Milan ultras?

Burke: I don’t care, go.

Wenlock: COME ON YOU HAMMERS!

Tina: I’d rather refrain from watching sports than support that damn Milan…

(1 trip to the bad kits company later…)

(Everyone laughed)

Wenlock: She’s in an AC Milan shirt!

Burke: The funniest thing I’ve ever seen since the Phryges!

Tina: You guys are such… jokers.

Wenlock

Burke: Go! The wheel of misfortune has chosen…

Wenlock: Court case?!

Burke: Court case!

Wenlock: Oh no…

Burke: Wenlock, you have to go for a court case for forcing someone to post about right-wing extremism! Sources say it’s a f**king disgrace.

Wenlock: It’s for a video!

Burke: Tell that to the judges!

Everyone: HEAR, HEAR!

Wenlock: I played Ace Attorney anyway, just you wait…

(One court case later…)

Wenlock: I’m not guilty!

Burke: WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?! How?!

Wenlock: Number 1, I have an aura!

Soohorang: More like @crackheadfromsainsburys.

Wenlock: Number 2, I’ve hired lawyers from Manchester!

Borobi: Crackhead included mate?

Wenlock: ahahahhahahaha, no.

Burke: Intermission: Hit like or you’re in court! You do know you don’t have a massive aura like Wenlock right?

Honohon

Burke: Honohon! Miraitowa! Are you two done?

Honohon: We’re playing Rush! Just give us a minute!

Burke: More like an hour.

Honohon and Miraitowa: YAY!

Burke: I didn’t m- Never mind. You all going to pay for this.

Wenlock: Don’t worry, playing FC25 is already a forfeit.

Burke: What?! I love FC25! I’m loyal to EA Sports!

Wenlock: Wait until you play UFL.

Burke: Oh. Maybe I’ll try.

Someity

Burke: Go!

Someity: Let me guess…

Burke: The wheel of misfortune has chosen… Carnivore!

Someity: (adjusts wheel) Choke! (Someity proceeds to choke everyone with her telekinesis)

Burke: ack, please… let us out…

(Someity stops her telekinesis)

Burke: I meant have someone to choke you, not choke everyone.

Someity: I’m sorry, but…

Burke: aura?

Someity: Aura.

Burke: Aura.

Someity: Aura.

Burke: Auraaaaaa…

Someity: Auraaaaaaaaaaaa…

Soohorang: This is going to be a long night..

Soohorang

Burke: Go!

Soohorang: Oh, haha.

Burke: The wheel of misfortune has chosen…

Soohorang: MYSTERY BUTTON?!

Burke: Mystery button!

Soohorang: *gulps*

(Transition)

Burke: Come on…

Soohorang: I’m nervous…

Burke: Why are you nervous?

Soohorang: I’m… going to get… canceled?

Burke: What’s wrong? Even Wenlock got away!

Wenlock: Trust me!

Soohorang: …okay… (nervously presses button)

…did I… post something?

Wenlock: No.

Soohorang: Phew. I thought-

Burke: But you do send a message to Bandabi demanding a divorce.

Everyone: OOOOOOOOOH!

Soohorang: NO! HE’S GOING TO KILL ME!

Burke: Rest in peace, Soohorang.

THE SIDEMASCOTS!

Burke: Season- WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT?!

Sumi: What’s wrong?

Burke: How do you managed to watch your shit YouTube channel and have your eyes intact?

Sumi: It’s MY channel.

Burke: Oh great. Honohon, Miraitowa, why both of you are wearing drinking caps?

Miraitowa: We played a lot of Rush on FC25!

Honohon: It was fun!

Miraitowa: Shame the J-League isn’t licensed.

Burke: I meant play kick-off mode!

Honohon and Miraitowa: Ooooooooooh…

Miraitowa: Sorry!

Burke: But on the other hand, Rush is fun.

Honohon: Agreed!

Burke: Where’s Vinicius?

Sumi: Probably still drunk after that trip to the strip club.

Burke: Ha, hit like! Unlike Sumi, we want at least 10 likes! Go on, don’t be nervous, you’re not Soohorang.

(Everyone laughed.)

Soohorang: Pfffft…

Sumi: Let us know what challenge do you all want us to do next by clicking the “Sidemascots suggestions” button on this blog’s bio!

Burke: Join us next time for…

THE SIDEMASCOTS!

Burke: Season 1!

Vinicius: season… *hiccups* one… (collapses)

Burke: Do I need to tell everyone he’s fine?

Tom: HA, uhh…

@sashley1912: Another Sidemascots episode and it’s awesome?

Tom: NO, IT’S SH-

[dragon-fuccer]

Hi!!! If u're reading this u're probably the author of this absolutely amazing fic ✨

And if u're not, go read it;!! It's so good u won't regret it<33

First some fanart jumpscare !!! (I hope u're ok w it bc I haven't asked for permission 😭)

It's just how I imagine Jack to look with a few smaller headcannons based on the fic, and there will be more fic related doodles soon, so prepare for that >;D (ofc as long as u're ok with it!!)

Second, the thing I lured ya here with, aka mine n my bfs ocs, art and description for ya to use in the fic if u want to ^^

TYSM for this offer, both me and my bf feel hella honored and it actually gave us a ton of motivation to actually expand on these two!

Tws : body horror, brief description of violence n death, mentioned suicide and brief description of murder

Smokey belongs to my bf and Something is mine !

Normal text is all written by me and green text was written by him ^^

Art and design by my dearly beloved:

Smokey

Real name : Victor Wilson

Age : around 26 yo

possible victor lore

used to be victor by marble hornets standards known as smokey

a dropout uni student with raging nicotine addiction (smokey did not retain any uni info but vic used to be psych student (projecting much lol))

prolly watched marble hornets with friends for fun and against better judgement decided to give a visit to rosswood park thinking its a film project in the beginning

turns out its not and they spotted the lanky guy

smokey the horror movie enthusiast wants out at that point before shize goes down but its late and they r deep in the forest so comes to conclusion they r all p much dead at this point

peeps want to go hunt for the lanky man cus cool and internet views

my guy is like f that yall r following basic horror lore of everyone dies im not playin like that and straight up says hes not going and hed rather go and sleep in the burned down psych ward

he gets called a wimp but decides if hes gonna die hes not dying an idiot and decides to vidtape everything on his mid tier phone camera

not sure what happens to the rest but they do their meet cute w slendy and prolly with time like half of em ends up in the arko e way or another

smokey manages most of the night fine but like luck would have it still end up meeting the guy

does not go well

wakes up in the burned down hospital not remembering the last unknown time and broken phone beyond repair

decides oho this is bad lets go back to uni and never talk abt it

meets with most friends back at uni but like 2 of em r missing and they just pretend nothing happened, friend group dissolves

after that he starts slowly having memory gaps, waking up in other places

all comes to head when it turns out he missed 5 months of uni after he wakes up back in rosswood really far from home and skinnier than ever and suddenly no more uni student

after that victor surfaces less and less till hes just kinda gone at that point

Smokey first shows up the night victor goes with friends to rosewood

in the beginning surfaces confused unsure who they are and what is their purpose

with time smokey goes through both phone and computer of vics

binges whole marble hornets in one sitting and decides he has a personal vendetta against the operator

since then they work on somehow stoping it (and terribly fails given the lack of information) leading to continuous trips back to rosewood and sleepovers in the rubble of the ex psych ward

figuring out the nicotine addiction takes a bit of time and leads to pretty nasty withdrawal symptoms as well as a very wrecked dorm room (he does find the cigarettes tho and is smart enough to connect the dots (smart cookie, here have a star sticker))

smokey learns asl and isolates themself a lot in the months of operator research

he still maintains two personas to some extends which is one the masked smokey who uses mostly asl and rarely speaks (to some extent also a tactic against being caught by police) and times when he goes without mask on library searches and grocery shoppings

smokey starts a yt channel dedicated to catching the operator and ending it which attracts at best some people commenting on obvious marble hornets ripoff and few cents into his wallet

with passing time they do start finding victims in order to keep themselves alive n appease the the big slinky leading to series of alleged suicides then turned to series of murders

he starts off with two of his ex friends who go back to rosewood and start showing symptoms he learned from mh

When they commit murder they hide in the trunk of the car and basically hotbox the whole thing due to smoking making the victim whoozy and confused, moving on they connect a pipe (like garden hose or whatevs) to the exhaustion pipe and suffocate their victims with the car smoke

the thing that tips off the police is the nicotine in the system of every victim and an account of almost to be one that got stalked by smokey who upon being discovered (also while smoking and which earned him the name) decided to bolt

since then he continues on just about the same, aka researching the operator, finding new victims and surviving untill they meet Something

His hoodie is dark green, the mask is greyish from the grime n dirt, the big cross on it is black so are his pants and hair

Something

Real name : Rae Dyer

Age : 23 before transformation, currently unknown

Something used to be a cryptid fan. They worked at a radio station and had a small night show where they played old rock and often rambled about the latest creature they heard about. While out, looking for a new creature to maybe see, they stumbled upon the Slenderman and became obsessed to document it somehow, quickly spiraling out of control and slowly, bit by bit became a creature themselves.

Something doesn't remember much from it's past life. It used to just wander, guided by the static in it's head towards it's victims, always terrified itself but not knowing why. After Smokey found it, they started wandering together. At first they had serious communication issues - Something only able to speak in tap code and Smokey mainly using ASL - but with time they learned to speak with each other, and now they can understand the other almost without words.

Something doesn't really eat, it survives on fear and between itself and Smokey, it always has more than enough of it. It does steal food for Smokey tho, cigarettes as well, usually leaving them in whatever ruined building he decided to stay in for the night. Something got also addicted to nicotine by just being around Smokey so much, leading to separation anxiety fueled by withdrawal when they're apart.

Something cannot speak, and can only communicate using tap code. When it's particularly worried or scared it does emit a small noise, that sounds like a particularly breathy whine, and more commonly when it tries to speak, quiet spider like ticking can be heard coming from it's mouths.

It usually walks hunched over, used to having to duck under branches, entryways, etc bc of it's height.

Something has pale skin reminiscent of porcelain, and is usually wearing a v neck sweater with a white undershirt and jeans or other pants. It's hair is very thin and scarce, floating around it's head down to it's lower back

Also a tiny doodle bonus of how I imagine these two showing up on Jacks doorstep xjbxbcbcb

We think the most probable case of them showing up would be Smokey getting bonked on a mission (probably by a car or a would be victim) and Something bringing them over to Jacks cabin to get pached up, tho feel free to do something else ya might think fits =w=

Again, thank you so much for the offer, we're both so honored to have the opportunity to show these two off and maybe if you're so inclined getting them a chapter in ur amazing fic<3

If u have any questions you need answered Abt the two don't hesitate to ask them as well! ^^

-Kai n Bean

[unfinishedslurs]

Flip of a coin

(I got really into Richie and Patty fics for a while so this is based off all the ones I read. Which was every single one published before roughly halfway into 2021)

Patty remembers that Stan always had a strange obsession with Richie Tozier.

He kept up with the news around him, watched his specials even though he rarely laughed and hated them with a passion. I don’t know why, Babylove, he’d say, but I don’t think he writes his own stuff. Have you seen his interviews? They’re much funnier. It was one of his little oddities, like his need to buy every Bill Denbrough book ever published, or buy clothing from the Rogan&Marsh line, even though he’d never much cared for fashion. These obsessions made a lot more sense after Stan’s hastily scratched letter, detailing a clown and impossible things that Patty clung to in a desperate attempt to rationalize.

She knows, distantly, though gossip and magazines at the store, that he’d broken down on stage the same day Stan died. She knows he’d cancelled all his future events, made a serious video where he confessed the ghostwriters, came out as bisexual, and said he was going to take a break from comedy.

According to the internet, he’s currently on a cocaine binge in Guatemala. According to Patty’s eyes, he’s in Georgia, looking less like a man on cocaine and more like a man whose life had been steamrolled with no idea what to do with the empty space left behind.

“Patty Uris?”

She looks at him, and sees a tragedy told in three parts. A greeting, some growing, a goodbye. She looks at him, and sees a mirror.

She looks at him, and knows he sees her too.

“Blum-Uris, actually,” she says, and opens the door to let him inside.

—

“You could always try voice acting.”

“You sound like my manager. I came here to get away from my manager.”

—

Richie makes Patty laugh for the first time since Stan died

—

Richie has a nice chest for crying, she thinks, and hysterical laughter tumbles out with her tears.

—

“It’s just…I love them. I do. They’re my family, God, they deserve every happy ending they get, but I’m jealous. I’m jealous and angry and I don’t understand why they get to move on when...”

“Our happy ending was with them.”

“Yeah, that.”

They stayed silent for a while, until Richie breaks it by taking a swig and saying, “Bev’s pregnant.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, she’s freaking out about it. I don’t think they meant to have a baby this soon. Or ever. I don’t think they realized that with the clown gone they could have a baby. And she just got out of her shitty marriage after her childhood with a shitty dad, and…yeah, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. She’s had about five panic attacks since she found out.”

“When did she find out?”

“Yesterday.”

Patty isn’t resentful. She thinks of all the years she and Stan spent trying to conceive, and how they eventually decided they’d be better off waiting anyways. They’d looked up adoption agencies a few times, but ultimately agreed it wasn’t the right time. She isn’t sure whether she’s grateful they never got around to it, that she doesn’t have to be a parent all on her own on top of everything else, or if the fact that she could have a piece of Stan right now, a small, babbling infant with his eyes and blood, makes her want to cry. Probably both.

She isn’t resentful, but she is jealous. It doesn’t matter. She’s a big girl, she can handle it.

She is going to be the best aunt ever.

“Do you think she’d appreciate another girl talking her through it?”

“Probably. You should call her and see.” He takes another long pull. “They want to name it after one of them. Stan or Eddie. Maybe both. She asked me to ask you whether you’d be okay with that.”

It takes a minute for that to register, and another five to get around the ache in her throat. “That’s…he’d love that.” He would. He’d pretend it bothered him, or that he wouldn’t want it, but he’d probably cry the minute he heard it.

Traditional, too, to name the baby after him, though she wasn’t sure he’d care so much about that part. She doubted his friends even realized.

“That a yes?”

No. “Yes.”

—

“He said…Patty,” he sobs. “Patty, he loved me back. He loved me back, but it didn't matter because he died and he’s gone and I spent two months begging and praying and getting drunk off my ass and it didn’t matter because he’s fucking dead.”

“It mattered to him, Richie.”

“Not enough to survive. Not enough to fucking say it without choking on the fucking blood in his mouth just to say—” he chokes the words down.

She rubs his back. “Don’t let it fester,” she reminds him, and the dam breaks.

“Why the fuck didn’t I just say it?” He explodes. “Why the fuck did I spend my entire fucking childhood pining for his firey ass when we could have had some fucking time? Why didn’t he say something? If he’d just fucking said it sooner, said anything…he was always the brave one between us. And it ended up with him fucking dead, and me on this fucking couch with you crying over misssed opportunities like a fucking…I dunno, Pats.”

“I know.”

“I don’t mean I don’t like sitting here with you,” he adds unnecessarily. They both know it’s unnecessary. She lets him do it anyway. “I just wish we were bonding over fucking…wedding photos or some shit.”

If she lays her head back and closes her eyes, she can picture it.

—

Patty breaks her fist on the wall.

It was bound to happen eventually. She’s been cycling through the anger stage of her grief for a month. Something was going to give.

Not the wall, though.

Richie takes her to the hospital.

“Sorry,” she says on the way there. She thinks she may be crying. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to, it just happened, I swear—”

“Patty.”

“I’m sorry,” she says again. She’s not talking to Richie anymore. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry—”

She doesn’t realize that he’s pulled over until he’s grabbing her by the shoulders and pulling her into his arms, both of them leaning uncomfortably over the gearshift. She doesn’t mind.

“I don’t understand,” she sobs into his chest. “I don’t know what I did wrong. Why couldn’t he just stay?

“You didn’t do anything wrong,” Richie says. She thinks she can feel him shaking. “It…he made his choices.”

She pulls away, suddenly furious. “That’s the problem! He fucking made that choice! He deliberately decided to leave me! And everyone says that he must have been suffering, that he must have been secretly unhappy, but I know better. We were fucking happy! Life wasn’t fucking perfect, but it was good. And he threw it all away, for—for what? What the hell was it all for?”

“I dunno, Pats, I think it was to save me and my friends,” Richie says dryly, and she knows, okay, she knows she’s angry, she knows he uses humor as his coping mechanism, she knows those two things can make a deadly combination that will leave ash in her mouth for weeks.

She says it anyways. “And look how well that worked out.”

His face shutters, and the regret comes pouring in as he turns back to the steering wheel without saying anything else. “Richie…”

“I know,” he says, holding up a hand. “I know you didn’t mean it. Let's get you to the hospital already.”

The rest of the drive is silent.

—

“Richie, I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Pattycakes. I forgive you.”

“I know, but I need to say it anyways, because I’m glad you’re here, Rich. I want you here. It’s just…”

I wish things were different.

“I get it.”

“Yeah.” He doesn’t, not really, but it’s the closest thing she has. Just like she’s the closest thing he has. They’re two sides of the same coin, aren’t they?

“I blame him sometimes, you know?” Richie admits quietly. “For Eddie. It was supposed to be the seven of us…sometimes I think we could have all made it out, if he hadn’t been such a fucking—” he breaks off, taking his glasses off to rub a hand over his face. “Sorry.”

“No, I get it.”

They smile at each other, bitter things in a bitter world, because she knows Richie’s thinking the same thing she just was. She doesn’t get it, not really, but she knows better than anyone the pain of loving and hating Stanley Blum-Uris.

Flip of the coin. Heads, a life together, tails, a life apart.

—

They’re not filling the holes in each other’s lives. They’re too…them for that. There’s nothing romantic about the way Patty will sometimes make Richie’s coffee with two sugars and no cream and break down, or the days Richie will get a far off look in his eye when she does, and then they’re both mourning two different kinds of loss. They’ll never know how Eddie liked his coffee, after all.

Nothing romantic about the nights Richie wakes up screaming Eddie’s name either. They both have nightmares, but Patty’s are quieter.

They’re not filling the holes, but they’re not not filling them either. Hole-adjacent. The ache in Richie’s voice when he says Pats instead of Eds, the equal aching in her chest when she wakes up to see a dark head that isn’t her husbands.

So, no, they’re not in love. She doesn’t feel that way about him. Doesn’t think she could, even without the dead hovering over their shoulders like shrouds. They’re too similar in their differences, not each other’s types, any number of reasons they could never fall in love.

Sometimes, though, she wishes they did. Wishes Richie were the one she met at that party, wishes Richie wore a matching wedding band to the one she’s moved to her right finger.

She knows it’s less about Richie, though, and more about not feeling like she’s being picked at from the inside out. The fantasies are there because he is, not of any actual desire for a romantic connection. Doesn’t stop her from dreaming.

She only voices it to him once.

“Do you think, if things were different, we would have made a good couple?” Patty doesn’t really think so, or want to think about it, but the wine is making her maudlin and she misses him. Misses Stan so much her insides feel like a bag of rocks that’s just waiting to split open and spill out every part of her. She hates it, the missing. More than anything.

Richie snorts.

“No, really.”

“Maybe, Batty-Patty,” he says, shooting her a grin that misses humor by a mile.

She laughs at that. “I am batty for asking, aren’t I?”

“I wasn’t going to say anything.” He did, just through the name, but she won’t point it out.

“We’re not compatible.”

“Nope.” He punctuates it with a drink.

“I wish we were,” she says fiercely. “I wish I’d fallen in love with you instead.”

He lowers his glass, expression somber, and watches her for a minute. Whatever he sees in her face makes his mouth quirk.

“You don’t mean that,” he tells her.

“I want to.”

“And I want to have not wasted my career parroting other people's bullshit. It is what it is, Batsy.”

That makes her giggle, despite herself. “Batsy?”

“What, you don’t like it?”

“I love it,” she says. She does. It’s fitting. “Pour me another glass.”

He indulges her, then himself. “We never could have been a good couple,” he says, trying and failing to seem flippant, “but, you know, my mom always wanted me to have a sister.”

“A sister, huh?” She stares at him, considering. “Is that what we are? Siblings?”

“Well, no,” he shrugs, “but I think it fits better than anything else.”

—

They make a chore chart.

It’s kind of dumb, Patty thinks. Objectively. They’re not college kids, they should be able to do housework on their own, without prompting.

She and Stan had never needed one.

But that’s the whole problem, isn’t it? Stan’s gone, and Richie’s here, and they both have days where they can’t even get out of bed, much less remember to make dinner or wash the dishes. The chart helps. It helps a lot.

—

Patty doesn’t sing much anymore.

—

She and Richie both have a four drink limit, established sometime between the third time Richie finds her sobbing in the bathtub, and the seventh time Patty finds him comatose on the floor. They pretend not to notice when the other breaks it.

[talkintomytv]

Just a bunch of things I imagine Rodrigo De Souza doing between the end of Season 4 and the start of a hypothetical Season 5 for Mozart in the Jungle!

►Shortly after taking the job conducting the New York Symphony, he sent his pet bird, Egor back home to be released. Then, shortly after he was fired, he returned to Mexico and took a long, spiritual hike in the rainforest to visit his ol' pal Egor in the wild. Egor leaves him a new feather for his hair!

►While home, he conducts his old school's youth orchestra. Entering them into and even winning multiple big league competitions all over the world, conducting all those kids to great success! While also dealing with all his unchecked feelings over Maestro Rivera.

►Later, he spent the better half of a year in Japan making peace with the group of fanatics who thought the real Rodrigo died a long time ago and that he was just some imposter taking his place. He stays here just long enough for his hair to grow long again. He even let the group of fanatics cut it however they want before he goes. It looks pretty good! They're all on good terms now.

►One of his composer friends turned film director, made their directorial debut working on a black and white monster movie. They invited him to come star in the film. It was a huge success and even spun off into other films. He gave every last cent he made from the movies in large, unexpected deposits to both the NY and Mexico City youth orchestras.

►After this, he spent his time hopping from city to city sleeping wherever and busking until his fingers bled. Sometimes joining in with other buskers he happens on along the way. His music and reputation draw in large crowds. He lets whatever musicians he's joining in with keep all the money from the crowds he pulls. People in the audience start to film these random appearances of his on their phones and upload the performances to the internet. This is the only way all his NY Symphony pals can check in with him. He still hasn't got a phone and he's still all over the place so every time a new video of him shows up online everyone from the NY symphony is like "Oh, hey! We got a new one!" and they all watch together.

►Somewhere in New York, Hai Lai is taking blind auditions for a violin soloist for a piece she is putting together. No one seems to be doing the trick. Eventually, one player from behind the curtain draws her in like no other. Yep. This is definitely the one! They got the job on the spot. No question. The musician steps out from behind the curtain. It's Rodrigo! They will sort out all their old qualms with each other later. For now, they are just really happy to see each other again! Hailey never would have gone this long without talking to him but shortly after he was fired he was gone and he's not exactly the easiest guy to get ahold of.

There we go Prime Video. I've set it all up for you. I'd gladly pay for a whole year's worth of Prime just to have the opportunity to binge-watch a fifth season of Mozart in the Jungle in a single day.

[purpldove134]

I can't remember stuff I think.

Like just now, I wanted to see when I started watching a couple YouTubers so I scrolled down to like 5 years ago and I cannot remember what video was posted after I subscribed, like I think I remember one of them but not one that was posted before. It could be that it's fucking YouTube so like why would my brain remember that.

Even worse is the 2nd one that I KNOW for a fact I started watching like a week before a certain video announcing a break (bc it was funny that I had like a week to go though their backlog). But like I cannot remember any of the videos posted before? I guess I could have only watched older, complete, series but I still feel like I should remember stuff from before? I also saw that a series I thought I binge watched after it was complete was posted after the break, so like I either waited it to end (although I doubt it) or I don't remember having to wait for videos, since it's weird since I usually remember that.

Ok whatever, that is Internet stuff that happened 6 years ago, of course I can't remember, maybe it would be weird if I did. But yesterday I talked to my sister about something that happened when we were kids, that we reference sometimes.

So when we were kids we were eating and she was annoying me so I threw a piece of meat in her hair. It was dumb but I was a dumb kid and now we laugh about it. The thing is, every time either of us have referenced that story, I've had a REALLY vivid image in my head of us sitting on the bed eating (like we had the table in front of it and we were using the bed as chairs) but she says that we were not sitting on the bed, but the table was placed in the corner of the room and we were sitting on chairs.

For a bit more context, we did sit on the bed while eating if the whole family was eating, so 2 of us would sit on the bed and 2 on chairs, but she claims that we ONLY did that if the whole family was eating, but I really remember us eating on the bed if only the 2 of us would eat.

Then, it gets worse when she says that two other things that happened while we were eating (that we sometimes reference) happened while we were sitting in the corner. I genuinely do not remember the table EVER being placed in the corner, like there was a shelf over it so it's not like the wall was empty, I just cannot remember it ever being there.

She says it's ok because I was really young so I just don't remember. But then, it gets even worse when she says we were sitting at the table in the corner after we came home from my grandma's house after grandpa passed away. I remember going to their house, I remember sitting in this room that was usually only for when like, a lot of guests had to eat, I remember it being winter and cold and my grandma showing this notebook that he had where he had the most beautiful handwriting I've ever seen, I do NOT remember sitting at that table after coming home (or ever). The thing is, my grandpa died when I was 12, TWELVE, fucking one and two put together. I SHOULD REMEMBER A TABLE POSITION FROM WHEN I WAS 12 RIGHT? The more I think about it the more I remember it vaguely but I feel like I'm just starting to gaslight myself into thinking i can remember it.

I tried googling but that hasn't helped, people are usually talking about 3-9 yo range not over 10, and those who do talk about over 10 aren't helpful. Like it was 6 years ago, and even before that the table was there for probably YEARS, and I ate at it every day. Why can't i remember it.

[vapehk1]

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Special Elfbar flavors are often tailored to suit regional preferences, ensuring a customized experience for vapers across different countries. 2. Are Elfbars an alternative to tobacco cigarettes? Yes, Elfbars can be a suitable alternative to tobacco cigarettes. They offer a similar throat hit to traditional cigarettes, making the transition easier for many smokers. Additionally, Elfbars come in a variety of sweet and flavorful options, which can be more appealing than the taste of tobacco. Many heavy smokers have successfully used e-cigarettes like Elfbar to quit smoking traditional cigarettes. 3. How much do Elf Bars cost? The cost of an Elf Bar varies depending on the model and where you purchase it. For instance, the Elf Bar BC5000 typically costs around $19.95. This price reflects the high puff count, flavorful vape juices, and overall value that the device offers. It’s a popular choice among both new and experienced vapers for its reliable performance and cost-effectiveness. 4. What should I do if I have a faulty or fake Elf Bar? If you suspect that your Elf Bar is faulty or counterfeit, it’s important to stop using it immediately. Fake devices may have off tastes, make unusual sounds, or produce a smell like burning plastic, which can be harmful. You can verify the authenticity of your device on the official Elf Bar website. If you have a counterfeit product, return it to the distributor for a refund. Reporting fraudulent sales to authorities is also recommended to help prevent further distribution of unsafe products. 5. Where can I buy Elfbar products? Elfbar products can be purchased both online and offline. Offline, they are available at various retailers, including convenience stores, gas stations, and specialized vape shops. Online, reputable sites like the official Elf Bar website and well-known vape retailers offer a wide selection of products and often provide better prices and warranty services. Checking customer reviews and ensuring you buy from authorized sellers can help avoid counterfeit products. Read the full article

[popmusicu]

GHOST IN THE RADIO

By Gabriel Salvador Contreras

“It’s ghost-like, isn’t it? That period between the ‘30s and ‘40s is between wars. And a lot of people had went to wars and never come back so there was a lot of uncertainty. It’s about ghosts, loss, and all these incredible lyrics. The weight of these tracks is incredible sometimes. Like one of the main guys I’ve sampled over the years, Al Bowlly, died in the war because a bomb landed on the house he was in. They say he would have been bigger than Bing Crosby, that he had a better voice. It’s very sad.” - Leyland Kirby (x)

The relationship within music and horror is quite as long as the history within humanity itself. When it comes to pop music though, we wouldn’t immediately assume there’s something sinister about it at first glance. The Caretaker is a solo project by Leyland Kirby, debuting in 1999 with “Selected Memories From the Haunted Ballroom”. The whole vibe from Caretaker is strongly nostalgic, moving, even anxiety inducing at times. One wouldn’t imagine such an artist would become extremely popular even with a younger generation, but this is proven wrong by the massive acclaim his LP, “Everywhere at the end of time”. From it’s terrifying yet realistic premise —a mind going through dementia, slowly forgetting everything about their lives, knowing as well the impact music makes in people’s memories and positive effects on dementia patients — to it’s atmospheric, slow progression into nothingness, nothing could predict its popularity in the internet sphere. The prevalence of this EP is so vast that it can be easily found — especially the first track, “A1 - It’s just a burning memory” — all over TikTok, YouTube memes, and with over four and a half million plays on Spotify. Considering it’s niche and artistic intent, one could easily forget about the music he’s sampling: ballroom, pop music from the 30’s and 40’s, as he says himself.

Was this music supposed to sound this eerie? Has pop music terrified listeners before like this? Could this be considered something undesired by the industry, would it stop it from be pop at all? In this text I’ll present my point of view about this matter. As I would love to make it longer, I’ll try to keep as concise as possible while I go through some examples of what I would consider some interesting cases of Pop turning a scare to the audience, songs being inspired by catastrophes that scarred the artists, or musicians that are just looking for a spook. PART 1: EVIL (IS GOING ON) - Before the 60s Fear has plagued the human mind since before history can reach itself. Therefore, we can assume that fear and the terrifying has been a common theme since folklore music. It’s deeply rooted in our brain, but when it comes to pop culture we might not notice at first how big of a theme it is. Here are some examples from various media where this phenomenon can be seen, usually songs with some religious subtext, Halloween, and “contemporary” witches, zombies and other spooks. Anatoly Liadov - Baba Yaga, Op. 56 (1904) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=17szhwbiw_o   The House is Haunted by Roy Fox (1934) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AoJj7dCbEX8

Howlin' Wolf - Evil (Is Going On) (1958) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=osnDVXlhxPw

Playlist with more Examples -> https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SisxwnlEiq0

There's something interesting I notice at this time, in contrast to our first example, on how nostalgia is not really an horrific thought, or at least not a popular one, and, pretty common when it comes to popular music, it's mostly lighthearted. Usually, folk horror and creatures born from pop culture are the ones in the front of the stage most of the time. However, things slowly take some interesting turns, as we will see...

(Coming Next: PART II: REVOLUTION 7 - 60’s, 70’s and 80’s)

[sevengraces]

Gender rant incoming btw:

I don't understand what the big deal is about neopronouns and noun self pronouns, like one if you don't like 'em don't use ones for yourself and two, I've never met a person who didn't also use more "traditional" pronouns as well. But like, the world is infinitely strange and also gender is odd!! Anybody who is trans in any way has to acknowledge a little bit that gender is tied up in so many different things that it is impossible to untie that knot!

I mean there is the personal aspect- how do you feel about yourself internally; then there is the social aspects- how do people see you, how do you think people see you, how do you want people to see you, what causes people to see you one way or another; then you have the socialization aspects- why do you feel that way about yourself, why do you want people to see you a certain way, why do you think certain traits/behaviors will affect that, why does it matter to you at all; and this is a non-exhaustive list of things that can all play into a persons gender identity! I didn't even mention the biological and hormonal things that can affect it all!

So if all of those questions plus a thousand more can impact a persons gender identity then is it really so strange to say that some people might get to those questions and go:

"damn it/its/itself and bing/bong/bingus sound good to me", and continuing on- does it really matter if they just picked ones they thought were fun?

Like in the real world and not some imaginary one where hypothetical arguments play out; what happens if you meet someone on the street or in a coffee shop and they say:

"Hi my name is Minx and I use te/ter/ters pronouns, what about you?" The world is not going to explode for sure, that persons use of pronouns will not at all affect your use of pronouns, nobody who actually cares about trans people is going to go:

"oh god I wish they'd all died before stonewall just because of you" -- so like what is the actual effect of Minx here?

And listen before anyone gets up on their soapbox to whine and wail and gnash their teeth about:

"Oh cis people won't respect us if we just let people do anything!" I have fantastic news for you, and it comes in two parts so listen really closely okay?

1.) they don't respect us and no level of inter community discourse is gonna change that

2.) you are the weakest link and a coward if you genuinely believe that and let it impact your behavior.

Trans people haven't been fighting and dying for decades and centuries just for you, in the year of 2024 when in even the US alone they are trying to legislate us out of existence (it is def happening other places don't get it twisted), to say

"hey wouldn't it be easier to deal with the boot on our neck if we choked out some other people ourselves?" Like think for a minute!! Easier for who? The boot? Yeah I'm sure the people who want trans people dead and forgotten would love it if we started twisting the knife for them, but that's fucking stupid of us to fall for!

This is the same thing that has been happening forever and it's gonna keep happening if everybody doesn't use their critical thinking skills at least a little bit before they open their mouth; acceptability politics is just a fawn reaction, and it doesn't advance anyones rights!

John Doe who hates immigrants and wants to kill every trans person with his own two hands does not see a difference between the biologically transitioned trans woman who dresses in heels and uses she/her exclusively and the 13 year old on the internet who listens to Penelope Scott and uses frog/frogself and emoji pronouns!!! And any person who supports the trans woman but meets the nonbinary 13 year old and then backtracks entirely was never gonna stick around when it got even slightly inconvenient for them!!!!

And of course, I'm not saying anything new here. Everyone and their mother who has even thought past the very base TikTok discourse level of thinking has come to this same conclusion and said as much in a million different ways! I haven't even mentioned how neopronouns are relevant for non-english speakers or anyone with a native language that doesn't have a they/them pronoun set, and honestly I'm not as qualified to talk about that so I won't- but I will link a post that explains it much better than I could've!

If you do your due diligence and check out the linked post make sure to check out the charities it linked and repost his post yeah?

Anyways-- respect trans people even when you don't understand them or I'll get your kneecaps <3

@pobopolybius is its account and he has interesting things to say! (Also if you want me to remove the links to your acc and your post off of this just let me know!)

Oh hey and while you're here clicks for Palestine !!

[nutellarchives]

my k-drama's of july 2023

Finally, after a long hiatus on this account, last post was literally September of 2022. I'm back with another k-drama rant review , which I've binged 3 dramas, 2 from 2023 and another from 2021/2022. It also took me a while to watch another k-drama where the last one was I think Extraordinary Attorney Woo (which aired in June-Aug 2022), whew that's almost a year of no k-drama for me.

Anyway, I have binge-watch 3 k-dramas back to back to back and if you want to read my full review of it, please keep reading.

Before clicking that Keep Reading button, be aware that this is a review and it will not be spoiler free; if you haven't watch the k-dramas Celebrity, Cheongdam International High School (B*tch and Rich), and Snowdrop, then go watch them first before reading this post.

Hope you enjoy my review!

Celebrity

First drama to be reviewed would be Celebrity, which is a recent release by Netflix and I actually watched the preview before it was released but I was like hm I didn't get it(??) Either way I actually forgot why I've decided to watch this drama despite of not really interested into it that time I watched the preview, because either I just didn't feel the trailer or have no interest in the concept of this celebrities / influencer themed k-drama.

Even so, I did watch it and... I liked it! To start off, the trailer tells about how a "Celeb" or influencer died and now she's back, revealing secrets and the truth. I actually thought it would be a cliche drama but I was wrong on that assumption.

Things I like about this drama:

The Narrative - the way the story unfolds isn't something new, like other dramas / movies have already used such way to narrate but I guess there's something about how they did it that caught my attention. I like how they don't follow a linear way of telling the story and uncovering secrets but they do it little by little that made me keep going, getting intrigue on what's going to happen next or what secret is about to be spilled.

The concept of "What you see isn't always the truth on the internet" - The drama focused on Celeb or Influencers, the way they always have stories to tell through social media posts and share something, then turns out to be not true. Example, during Oh Minhye's launch of her pop-up store, they get to have a picture together for promotional purposes but then after the picture was taken, they were unhappy around each other. This is just one example of what you see in the internet isn't what it seems.

Bringing awareness to a timely issue - This drama doesn't only show how people can fake their lives or their relationship with others, it also delved into the realm of you should not trust anyone on the internet. We get to see how Ari trusted bbbfamous just because they have valuable information that she can use, and with that decision of trusting a complete stranger, the consequences were grave and other people were affected negatively. I like how this is an eye-opening experience, especially the target viewers of k-drama's are usually teenagers and young adults, it can help them understand these situations as it can happen in real life.

Integrating new technology - in one portion of the drama, we get to see Ari's friend using Deep Fake to disguise as Ari, and this new emerging technology was briefly explained and how it affected the general population. As a person who knows this technology, I appreciate that they added that technology to bring awareness and how can it affect us, since it is a new technology, I'm sure not everyone is aware of it. Deep Fake can be beneficial but it can also be harmful if used with the wrong intention.

Mentioned above are the things that I've liked or enjoyed with the drama, now let's get into the reason why I only gave this drama a 9 instead of a perfect 10:

Ending seemed incomplete - in the beginning things were very detailed, everything was shown, every minor detail is zoomed into but then we get to the last episode and it felt rushed for me that they weren't able to show what happened that resulted to a certain scene. An example would be how did Ari got out of the car or how did she manage to live, they didn't show this scene because it might be unnecessary and maybe they want it to be a surprise, but personally, it felt instant on how she survived, making it less believable. Now there are other scenes that I wished they've added but it might be unnecessary BUT there's a scene that I wish they've added and I think it's very important. So in the last episode, we get to see bbbfamous, it was briefly shown, how she lived her life and how she felt when she was doing her act as bbbfamous. She was confronted by Ari then she stated her reason and jumped. I thought that she unalive but she was hospitalized instead and that's it. I was disappointed on that one because they could've added a scene where bbbfamous is in jail or a court trial; Because what she did is something grave, like a crime, it was also shown how Ari was emotionally affected by it, how come we didn't get to see a scene where she was paying for her sins when we get to see her share her reason why she did it and be all sad about it like she was the victim, when she is one of the reason why Ari's life got messed up in the first place. I'm pointing this out because I treat bbbfamous as one of the antagonist of this drama and that it reflects reality, how in real life someone could be like bbbfamous and make other people's life miserable.

Romance development seemed lacking - I personally like dramas that focuses on a different genre but has a hint of romance, because too much romance for me is just too cringy, even if I do love the chemistry of both leads, I still find it cheesy. I was happy that Celebrity included a hint of romance into Ari's life but clearly the stability of the romance is off. The vibe of their relationship was awkward, and that Sihyeon and Jungyeong's past relationship felt more genuine. I'd say they could've made the relationship of Ari and Jungyeong more sincere or legit OR they could've scrapped the romance entirely since its not really the point of the drama, and just an addition to make Ari more miserable because of the guy literally almost unalive due to her decisions in life. tbh im disappointed on this one, I actually like the chemistry between the leads.

Now those are my thoughts on the drama Celebrity, it was almost a favorite but unfortunately it lacked a little bit that didn't make it to the cut. Either way its a binge-worthy k-drama and is recommended to be watched.

Cheongdam International High School (B*tch and Rich)

The second drama that I'm going to review would be the Cheongdam International High School or commonly known as B*tch X Rich. I keep on putting an asterisk because idk if swear word is allowed in tumblr So this drama is about a high school student who visited an International High School and there she witnessed a murder that lead her into transferring to the said school and began to experience "hell" due to clashing with the most influential student in the school prior to her transferring.

When the poster for this drama was revealed, I was really excited because even if I didn't know the short haired girl, which a lot of people know because she appeared in all of us are dead and I haven't watched that drama so idk really I know Yeri (cuz she's from Red Velvet aye) and I think this is her first lead role. She is also the "villainess" in this drama so I did expect a lot.

This will be the shortest review out of the three but all I can say is this drama is mediocre. The acting of the actors is nice, especially Yeri because omg she delivered and the production quality is amazing, the setting and the bgm are bomb. The problem is how messy the story is and how is it presented. Got some few rants and I will tell them now. First, why is Hyein's character like that, She is smart but then she keeps on making regrettable decision. I understand that she's in high school and she's just a teenager but the way she makes her choices and experience the consequences, it feels like she didn't learn hence no growth on her part. Her character is made that way so that bad things can keep on happening and that's awful as the character won't have any significance and its just a tool in the story to make things worse. Second, the adults in this drama are useless. Hyein's father, that teacher who had relationship with Jena's father, Doeon's father, all of them are just there, characters that are added without any purpose or positive contribution to the teenagers in the story. I think that they were added and making them useless forces the teenagers to standout more but then that's a wrong depiction of adults as adults should help and guide teenagers and young ones to flourish. Last rant ig would be the what did I just watched and why doesn't it make sense questions unanswered and the possibility of another season. The last episode should answer all the questions that were built up but then instead of literally resolving all of the problems, it opened up to more questions.

Overall, this drama is mediocre, not bad but not great either. No clear direction of what kind of theme it was going for, is it bullying or is it the mystery / murder. Is it worth binging? For me, no because its like a bread that wasn't even fully cooked but taken out of an oven, resulting to being uncooked and unservable.

Snowdrop

Last one to be reviewed is Snowdrop. Snowdrop isn't really a 2023 release and a lot of people must've watched it already but I just watched it this year so obviously I'll be able to review it only now.

Snowdrop is about a freshman in college named Yeongro discovering a man covered in blood in her college dorm in the year 1987. And things weren't the same before after this incident.

This drama is actually one of my most anticipated watch because Jisoo is in it, and its her acting debut, and the chemistry of her and Haein for me is amazing. I didn't watch this till now because whenever a drama is on-going, people keep on posting, spoiling stuff that ruins the fun. plus I don't have disney+ so I can't watch it lol

Anyway here is my review: I'm sad, like what was that :(

Okay so I'm going to explain that things that I liked and didn't like (or rant about things). First is the things that I liked or enjoyed:

The period in which korea was in - As you may all know, I am a sucker for historical korean dramas, where it is set in the period (Goryeo, Joseon etc.) where people still wear hanboks and concepts of royalty still exists. Now in Snowdrop, its part of Korea's history but its more recent compared to the historical dramas that I've watched. Its a refreshing watch since I've either watched k-dramas that are historical, set in a place where it does not exist (fantasy fiction), or the modern times (the present). I do appreciate that the places were shown accurately and what are the hobbies / entertainment during that time and what living was like during that period.

The Actors - Honestly, one of the reason why I chose to finish this drama is because of the actors. They were able to portray their characters well. Haein is one of the lead of this drama and he was able to convey his emotions very well, especially when he had those close up shots. Then we have Hyeyoon, who is so good at portraying her role that I'm twice as pissed at her in this drama compared to Sky Castle, then I'd also like to share how I loved Inna in this drama, because I have watched her other dramas (Goblin and Touch Your Heart) and this is the first time I've seen her that she's not the adorable, feminine type because of the nature of her character. Of course, how can I forget Jisoo, who just made her acting debut and she did performed as if its not her first time. She did well tbh, though I'm a bit sad on how she was always miserable and sad throughout the drama that almost 80% of screen time she bawl her eyes out. There are the other actors, to name some, Kim Minkyu, Jung Eugene, Kim Jungnan, Yoon Seah, Jung Yiseo, Yum Junghwa and many more, whom I have watched on other dramas and enjoyed that they're in this drama. It's actually comforting seeing them despite the story not really comforting at all.

The production - the production for this drama is insane, from the establishments, the dorm omg its so pretty I wanna study there cuz apparently its a university in real life , the props and the minor details, it was researched well that it made the setting realistic and I felt like I traveled back in time. Aside from that, I also love the OST for this drama. The instrumental songs gives that nostalgic vibe and the vocals of each song is gorgeous that I get goosebumps whenever I listen to it.

How eye-opening it is - I rarely watch political dramas because I tend to get bored on how serious the tone and the atmosphere is but then Snowdrop is heavy on the political side which I didn't expect. Even if I'm not a fan of this topic, I made my way through finishing it just for the sake of seeing how it ends and I can say that I did learn something from this drama, political wise and that is how powerful people in politics are and how easy it is for them to manipulate people in general. This is a very timely thing and even in this drama I found these people in politics annoying, with their greed and selfishness, they are willing to do everything even the bad just to get what they want. This just shows how important it is to elect the right people, who are willing to serve, and not those who crave for power.

Now let's move on to the things that made my Snowdrop experience unsatisfying:

Starting off with the genre, I expected this drama to be romance heavy, as advertised, with all of the poster about Yeongro and Sooho, it gives the romantic vibe. I don't watch trailers that much to avoid spoilers but yes, I relied on the posters, which there's no hint of gunfight or politics, just plain old romance. With that being said, I have high expectations on the romance, starting off on the right foot with the first few episodes, which there really is some romantic and cute scenes, but after that, when the hostage situation started, it was not romantic anymore obviously. I honestly thought the hostage situation would last for only a few episodes but then I realized that the hostage situation is the biggest portion of the plot. Not the biggest fan of hostages because of how stressful and emotionally draining it is so during those episodes I was like how is this a romance drama, that I have to double check the genre of this kdrama on wikipedia to verify that it is indeed one of its genre is romance.

Then moving on with the story, during the hostage situation, it was the hardest to watch, because I felt bored. I just carried on because of how good the actors were plus I'm curios how is gonna end so I endured it. It was bad because there's a loop, a cycle embedded into how the things are moving that made me lose my interest. An instance would be, when they finally thought of a way to get out of the dorm, someone, may it be internal or external, stops them from getting out or ruins the plan, and this cycle continued for how many episodes till we reach the last episode where they finally got out. The concept is very nice, gives a romeo and juliet vibe (because of how Sooho was the adoptive son of a high ranking man in the North and Yeongro is the daughter of the Chief of ANSP, which is an anti-communist organization), but the writers we're not able to execute the story well, leading into a cyclic, anti-climactic output.

Another thing is the amount of romance in this drama, which there's not much and that's why I'm disappointed. When I first saw Jisoo and Haein playing the role of the leads in this drama, their chemistry instantly clicked for me, making me look forward to the drama and its romance. I've expected a lot but the drama gave me a lot of stress instead of butterflies in my stomach due to the romantic scenes. The romance in this drama is kinda weird ig, sure it was love at first sight and that's the reason why Yeongro risked everything just to take care of Sooho, and they had cute interactions during that time, yeah lets give it to them but the thing is, what about the time when Sooho pointed a gun at Yeongro, I'm sure she'll be scared to death that she won't go near this man who nearly killed her but then the "romance" goes on despite of that happening which by the way I still enjoyed because of the chemistry its weird tbh. Plus if we're not gonna look at that (the thing about it being weird), the romance is lacking and too insta, like there's no deep meaning or intention to it. It felt like it was added to that other emotions can incorporated.

Last, would be the ending. It gave the impression that it was trying to be iconic due to how sad the ending was and that the female and male leads did not end up together kinda reminds me of scarlet heart. Aside from that though, after all of the stress and trauma that the story caused, the ending is underwhelming. Could've been better if Sooho was able to live and defect to the South or some kind of redemption arc for him because we witnessed how he was betrayed by his mom and adoptive father. After all, he was the focus of this drama, as we didn't get to see much of Jisoo his past, his struggles, his decisions, his life was basically presented but then he didn't get a happy ending, unfortunate.

Overall, I had high expectations with this drama, especially it was written and directed by the same people who worked with Sky Castle, which is one of my recommended drama, but unfortunately the story felt short and the romance didn't go well, leaving me disappointed.

Currently rewatching Our Beloved Summer and trying to finish it (the first time I watched it, I stopped at ep 13 because I don't want to finish it yet cuz its so good).

Thanks for stopping by and I hope you enjoyed this very long and detailed review!

Till my next review~

- ella

[elliebear666]

It's 4 am and I woke up at 3:50 in the morning. I've been waking up every single goddamn night around 3-6 am. This is because my psychiatrist, due to Zyprexa causing constant hunger and weight gain, changed me to a different antipsychotic.

However, thanks to this change, I've lost almost 20 lbs. But the waking up every night is difficult and I'm worried it will push me into a depressive or manic episode/exacerbate personality symptoms.

So, anyway... things I've noticed after 8 years of therapy:

1. I still deal with "splitting." You're good, amazing, perfect, the best thing in my life, I want to talk to you all the time to: You're a worthless piece of shit and I hope you fucking die and rot in the heat of the sun. I hate you so much I would laugh if you died. Sometimes, these thoughts spill into my world when I just spew horrible shit from my mouth or fingertips. I have said... horrifically awful things to people when I've split on them. Tbf, these days, I'm mostly splitting on favorite persons or family and it is usually less often.

2. I still occasionally have explosive anger/rage outbursts, almost get into physical fights, get tunnel vision over internet fights, have difficulty controlling my anger. It is not nearly as bad as before, though. I used to constantly blow up, and the people in my life told me they felt like they were always "walking on eggshells." Which makes me feel incredibly ashamed and guilty… I've had anger and rage problems since I was little.

3. My relationships are still stormy and intense, and either involve me becoming initially completely and utterly infatuated or obsessed and "falling in love" at the drop of a hat, or eventually becoming obsessed. Not in every potential relationship, but the vast majority. I get jealous and insecure and constantly fear abandonment, which can lead me to seeking reassurance and validation that I'm valued in the relationship. Which, apparently, is difficult to deal with. At least my jealousy isn't as bad as it used to be. It used to be… BAD BAD. It caused me to act in very possessive ways that were detrimental to the relationship and hurt my partners.

4. I still have paranoia and paranoid ideations when particularly stressed, and sometimes just in general. Something happens in my life and my brain automatically looks for patterns of why this "isn't a coincidence." It's led me down some dark rabbit holes. A few years ago I spent months looking for cameras in my room because I was so stressed out by a flying monkey situation and wondered if they had put cameras in my room lmao

5. I still dissociate. It isn't as severe as it used to be. I used to like… spend days not even there. I'd just wear a placid and empty expression as I swam in utter nothingness. I'd watch myself from afar, feeling like I was living life from behind a thick, foggy glass window. I felt like I wasn't real, I felt like nothing was real, and wondered many times if I was just asleep and when I'd wake up. Due to dissociation and just generally not being present most of the time - not even related to dissociation - I haven't made a lot memories… which can make me feel like I have no history, that my life is this strange sequence of events that I only partially partake in.

6. I still feel empty. It isn't NEARLY as bad as before. Like… my god, I used to do anything and everything I could to fill the emptiness. Sex, drugs, impulsive road trips, hurting myself, alcohol, buying things, binge eating and then feeling ashamed and purging. I would get into relationships and situationships just to assuage this crippling emptiness whose existence stifled most of the joy or passion in my life. I felt like a hollow shell of a human being and, at one point, toldy therapist that I felt like, if I took a knife to my wrists and cut myself open, there would he nothing beneath my skin. Just an agonizing, echoing emptiness. I had to do SOMETHING, ANYTHING to distract myself from how utterly and completely hollow I felt on the inside. It was just… my god. I cannot express the amount of suffering I experienced due to constantly feeling empty…

7. My impulsivity is vastly reduced. I used to like… all the time anything went wrong, or I felt too empty, or bored, hurt, angry, etc. do something incredibly impulsive to soothe those intense emotions. Whether that was buying things I shouldn't have, binge eating, drinking alcohol and using drugs, having sex with a bunch of different partners, or jumping into relationships. It was all very self destructive.

8. My sense of self used to be borderline nonexistent. I didn't know who I was or what I wanted out of life. I changed my opinions and goals and likes often as I relentlessly chased something resembling stability. I felt like I became the people I was around - my mom used to comment, in a worried way, that it was like I, in a way "became my partners." She said it was upsetting and scary. I was an empty chameleon, desperately trying to find love and acceptance. I would reinvent myself every once in a while, though not to the extreme, usually in the form of changing how I would dress or act. Now, I feel like I have a more concrete sense of self. It isn't constantly shifting, even though I still feel directionless and don't know what I want out of life or, in some ways, who I am. Like… I wonder sometimes if the personality I'm projecting is even me or just another persona that I'm wearing. I'd like to think that I'm me now, but sometimes I wonder….

9. Self harm and suicidal ideations and threats… golly gee willikers. I used to hurt the shit out of myself. I'd cut myself, burn myself, punch myself, hit my face and body. Even while I was working, I'd cut myself in the bathroom… I threatened countless times to end my life over… oftentimes situations that didn't warrant such a reaction. Then, after most breakups, I would become extremely suicidal, thinking I was an evil piece of shit that deserved to be "abandoned" or I would feel that I had been mistreated and would react with rage. Most of the time, I would default to self harm and suicide attempts/ideation even if I was initially angry. I got locked up a few times after the breakup that happened a few years ago. Got put in the back of a police car once and brought to the mental ward and had my family threaten me with lock up… god, idk how many times lmao. I've been hurting myself, in one way or another, since I was a teen. These days, I'm not hurting myself much. I burned myself about 6 or 7 times after a guy rejected me, and fell into a deep depression, planned my suicide, would drink constantlying, etc. But I haven't harmed myself in months :)

10. Intense emotional swings. So… I have always been a very intense and emotional person. Since I was little, I felt like, sometimes, the emotions inside my little body were too big for such a small vessel. As I aged, my mood became increasingly erratic and unstable. It got VERY bad while I was working. I would feel one intense emotion over some trigger, and would experience a prolonged episode after the fact. It would feel like… if I was angry at a situation, I would be infuriated, homicidal, shaking with rage. And then I would shift to elated joy and euphoria that felt like I was having a manic episode. From there, I would go anywhere. Sometimes into a deep and dark despair, to feeling like I was agonizingly alone and rejected or abandoned. I feel like… I just was always in pain tbh. About one thing or another. I feel like I was horribly sensitive to the world around me and every little thing would elicit an extreme reaction. So, before I got diagnosed bipolar, I told my old psychiatrist that I was experiencing what I believed to be "rapid cycling bipolar symptoms." However, bipolar doesn't cause extreme emotional responses to everything all day. I could go to work feeling on top of the world, then go from that to despair, anger, infatuation, insecurity, or any of a plethora of emotions, and each one was just… a huge wave of feelings. It became absolutely and completely exhausting. I was exhausted by my changes in mood. These days, I'm not reacting as extremely as I was to every little thing. I'm not always in as much pain, I'm not constantly shifting emotional states and moods. I feel like I've found, in some ways - as long as literally nothing goes wrong lmao - a sense of stability. I'm still intense, but my reactions are not as severe as they used to be and my moods are not CONSTANTLY reacting to every little thing in my life.

11. Abandonment. I touched on this to an extent… but this will go into it in more depth. So… I have had a fear of abandonment and being left alone since I was little, but it was mostly about my mom. As a teen, and as I developed bonds with friends, I began to worry about being left by my friends. As I got older and became more interested in relationships, despite having issues with dysphoria and sex and intimacy, that fear of abandonment and rejection sensitivity became overwhelming. In any rejection scenario, I have frantically and pathetically tried to prevent what I perceived as "abandonment." I would develop these very intense and all consuming bonds with people and often come to believe that the relationship was closer and more intimate than it really was. In relationships, I would hurt myself or sometimes say I might hurt myself when faced with abandonment. Not an idle threat, but a real and true possibility and, often times, an eventual reality. It's been bad throughout my adult life, specifically, but it was horrendous with the girl I dated a few years ago. I was jealous, insecure, possessive, and constantly feared that she would abandon me. However, my unstable disposition, my anger outbursts, jealousy and insecurity served only to drive her away. As the relationship was coming to an end, I became increasingly erratic and frantic as I tried to convince her I was worth it. I begged, I stalked her in an attempt to her to talk to me, I sent countless texts, emails, made new phone numbers to contact her, snapchat, tumblr. I harassed her for months… and I feel so fucking guilty and ashamed that I have tortured myself with self-harm and physical and emotional self-flagellation. I went to insanely extreme lengths to prevent this abandonment. I pretended I ran out of gas on a road trip, I can't even remember everything I did. It was absolutely fucking crazy and toxic and scary and bizarre. I tried to kill myself in this one incident and desperately called her friend crying and screaming… I'd taken a lethal dose of psych meds and… my god I just… I feel so fucking ashamed. I hated myself. I wanted to kill myself over this unhinged behavior. I'm sorry… I truly, truly am sorry. I wish I could take it all back… but fucking can't. I'm sorry. I didn't… I don't think I really realized how bad things were getting. I didn't realize what the effects of my undiagnosed BPD was going to do to anyone. I couldn't even think past my own pain and suffering and extreme emotional problems and issues with self-regulation. These days, it's still a issue. It isn't NEARLY as severe. It's bad but… not AS bad. I still get frantic when I fear I'm being abandoned, I might beg and plead, I will act out impulsively in some misguided attempt to keep them close. But more often than not, this serves to push others away, not keep them close. It definitely has not gone to the extreme lengths of the past. I hope it never does again. I will make sure I don't get that bad again.

So… at this point, I feel like I'm so much better than I used to be. But like, things aren't perfect. And I worry sometimes I will continue to have these issues for many years to come. I'm not sure what to do about dismantling every maladaptive pattern and dealing with extreme reactions to life events, fears of abandonment, emptiness, anger and rage.

I want to be better, entirely. But sometimes I wonder if better is more a state of mind than an actual state of existence.