#biggest himbo final round

[ficoandleo]

Leo's posted a TikToc! The description is simply "did that himbo even notice???"

Leo is walking down a dorm hallway in Vagastrom. He's kindly angled the camera so he wouldn't be recording the name plates on everyone's doors as he walked past.

"So I know it's still kinda warm in mainland Tokyo, but it's starting to get cool here in Darkwick." Of course he couldn't explain the anomalous nature of the island, so he began a (surprisingly, if someone was new to Leo's channel or didn't know how smart Leo was) scientific explanation about the nature of weather patterns and how temperatures are impacted by being close to water. . . . "Anyway, totally off track. What I'm getting at is: it's almost sweater season!!!

"So if you've been following me since, like, at least last year, you know I steal Sho's sweaters. I have been stealing Sho's sweaters since we were fourteen years old. But this year," Leo rounds the corner and begins descending the stairs into the garage, "I have a new target. . . ."

The shot changes frontwards and Leo is walking towards the back of the Vagastrom garage. Fortunately none of the cars in view are so anomalous that the censor prevents him from showing them.

"So I mentioned I'm in Vagastrom house and I mentioned my captain and how he doesn't like being on camera and gets mad if I record him--oh! There he is~!" Leo whispers only loud enough for the camera to hear. He turns the camera to one of the lifted cars where Alan's large body is beneath it, working on some problem. The angle prevents one from easily seeing his face but anyone familiar with him might recognize him. Leo zooms in on Alan and pokes his fingers into the camera view and pretends to rub his belly, then squeeze him between his digits. "So he's a big dude. Like, bigger than Sho, legit the biggest guy in Darkwick. He's like. Over 2 meters. And muscular too."

The camera shot changes to be facing Leo as he walks down a hall somewhere in the back of the garage.

"So I'm hoping. . . ." He stopped walking and reached out with excited, parted lips. The sound of a door knob turning reached the camera and he smiled in dull amusement, mumbling as he walks in. "He seriously doesn't even lock his door. . .? So I'm hoping he's got some good, big sweaters or hoodies or something for when it starts getting cold. I could buy my own but it's always better when it's someone else's. Trust."

The door closes quietly behind Leo and he looks around the room, walking around. "Wheeere. . .?" He mumbles, turning his head back and forth as he walks the room in search of Alan's closet. When he's finally found it, he lets out a bright little 'oh! Got it!' and opens it to search.

"Guys, there is not a lot in here." He grins, leaning forward. "Buuuut. . . ."

The screen pops to another room--based on the tile and towels, a bathroom--with Leo standing far enough away from the shot that most of his body is in frame. He holds up his bent arms, a severely oversized grey sweater dwarfing his slim frame. It droops over his hands, completely covering them, and it runs down his body to about halfway down his thighs, and the neck opens a little deeply down his chest. He's positively beaming. "Look at this!! It's fucking huge!"

He waves his hands, flapping the sleeves a little, and approaches the phone with a smile still on his face. He reaches for the phone and it falls over with him whispering 'oops.' "I've got such fucking sweater paws in this thing I can't even hold my phone. . . ."

He manages to right it, then flaps and shakes and pulls the sleeves until his fingers poke out enough to use. He fixes his hair where it got slightly mussed from pulling the sweater on, using the phone camera as a mirror, then fixes the other sleeve. "Also this thing is so warm. Like, crazy warm, it's not even an autumn sweater this is a winter sweater. I'm k--" Leo turns his head and looks at something off-camera, picking up his phone. He whispers, still sounding pretty amused. "Oh, shit."

The shot cuts to Leo from slightly below, partially obscured by the sweater blocking the view. He's walking, smile catlike.

"What're you doing in here." Alan's gruff voice is heard, although he's not seen. Leo shrugs.

"I had to go to the bathroom. Yours was the closest I could be sure was clean."

". . .get out. Don't just come in here without permission."

"Okay~!" Leo beams, trotting past. "Try locking your door next time~!"

Leo walks into the hall and the door is shut behind him. He makes a befuddled face and holds his phone out so the camera can see that he's still wearing Alan's pilfered sweater. He holds his other hand out in a confused position, then gestures to the outfit, mouthing the words 'why didn't he say anything' before starting to grin, giggling quiet and airily. The video cuts out.

The comments cheered for Leo's cuteness and asked about the sweater. Leo comments that it's a very, very warm sweater and he probably won't even be able to wear it until winter. For autumn he'll probably have to get another one of Sho's as usual. A few comments expressed jealousy at Leo getting to wear a 'boyfriend sweater' and, of course, asked what exactly his relationship was with Alan that Alan didn't question him wearing his clothes at all.

Leo has since taken the sweater off and hidden it in his own closet for when it gets really cold around here. He could easily buy his own oversized clothes. . .but where was the fun in that?

[yen-sids-tournament]

Quotable Disney Final Thoughts

"In every job that must be done, there is an element of fun."

We really should have kept a running note of interesting things that happened... well this is going to be a look back entirely from the end!

First of all, this tournament had 173 polls to go with it. That's the tournament, the loser tournament, the mini polls, and the loser bracket interest poll all together.

A 173 total feels insane to us! but the other strange thing was once we got to Rounds 5 and 6 and 7, there were so few polls to keep tabs on! We went from making sure all groups of 8 were out on time to being done with all the posting in just a few clicks.

We have a recap of the podiums post. But here's a quick recap of the Bonus Mini Poll winners:

"If I had a nickel..." (Dr. Doof) won not only the whole tournament, but also the P&F mini poll (60.1%)

The exchange between Soos and Abuelita won the Gravity Falls poll (31.1%)

"Dishonor!..." (Mushu) won the Mulan mini poll (54.5%) as well as the final mini poll of the top 12 submitted quotes (30%)

"I'm a damsel..." (Meg) won the Hercules mini poll (71.1%)

"The poison for Kuzco..." (Kronk) won The Emperor's New Groove's mini poll (37%)

"Ten thousand years!..." (Genie) won the Aladdin mini poll (44.7%)

"Ohana means family..." (Lilo and Nani) won the Lilo and Stitch mini poll (51.7%) and the familial/platonic love quotes mini poll (41.2%)

"The Greater Good?!..." (Honey) won the romantic quote mini poll (28.2%)

["You were my new dream," (Eugene Fitzherbert) was second at 27.3%]

"I'll make a man out of you" (Shang) won one of the lyrical mini polls (42.3%)

"...Nor hide what you've done from the eyes, the very eyes of Notre Dame!" (the Archdeacon) won the other lyrical mini poll (24%)

"Hakuna Matata!" was the winner of quotes we were sad didn't even get submitted (22.7%)

Over all these polls we had three (3) ties! In round 1 Cinderella and Ben Gates tied, in round 4 Mushu and Dr. Doof tied, and in round 7 Kronk and Stitch tied!

Imagine how much different the winner could have been if Mushu and Doof hadn't tied! "Dishonor!..." was the most submitted quote, it won the top submissions mini poll, we had it as most likely to go to the Finals (likely against "Ohana..."). And yet, Doof's nickels refused to be defeated and in round 5 the three way poll went in Dr Doof's favor. Biggest upset for this tournament in our opinion.

Another surprise was how much support David Xanatos got. His polls were constantly getting the most votes in their rounds, overwhelming the competition we though had a real chance ("Do you want to build a snowman?" or the Hunchback lyric...)

When he was out, Kronk got a lot of attention thrown his way. Tumblr loves a morally gray himbo.

On the other side, it was a bit of a double take when the Gravity Falls quotes went down so fast. 3 did make it past the first round but lost in the second. the other 4 went to the loser brackets only had one poll win between them all!

Some polls had very very decisive gaps. In 5 of them, the winner had over 90% of the votes! The largest gap being the very first poll, Walt Disney (2.7%) v Mushu (97.3%)

When we were sorting these quotes back in December, we kept a few statistics to organize for ourselves and maybe for different mini poll ideas. Here are a few fun ones:

There is at least one quote in each decade between the 1930s and 2020s, the most being in the 90s and 00s by far

99 movies, 22 shows, 3 park rides, 2 real people, 1 book, and 1 stage production were represented

15 of these quotes were conversations

There were 19 villain quotes and 15 title characters speaking

The quotes at the tops of some of the bracket updates have been a delight to collect. None of them were submitted and we thought quite a few fit the vibe of the round. The one at the top here is from Mary Poppins (1964).

Every quote that was submitted that we could verify was used (a couple were edited). Submissions did not reach a full 128 so we added a few on our own. These quotes were not from another media already submitted and were not what we would consider "front runners" (like the ones on the mini poll) because it was just filler. The only one to win in Round 1 was Thumper's "If you can't say something nice..." Others were Cruella, Percy Jackson, and Maddie Fitzpatrick.

Finally, we do want to say we were shocked that a Meme won everything. And by so much in the final on this, the Found Family site. Perhaps we underestimated the power and influence of Dr. Doof, his nickels, and Phineas and Ferb. (And there probably was a boost in support with the new season announcement and tumblr sexyman polls?)

Since this is really long already, and we did have some notes between rounds, we are going to wrap it up here.

Thank you again for hanging out with us! We hope you stick around for a while yet, new tournaments are on the way.

[bl-bracket]

I'm guessing most times the winner of a bracket is a character that was submitted enough so it didn't have to go through prelims. However, I'm curious, which is the highest ranking a character from prelim has gotten?

This is an incredibly interesting question! The completed brackets where prelims have been a thing are: #1 Himbo, Lest Rizz, Most Unhinged, Poorest Little Meow Meow 2, Greenest Flag 2, and Most Whipped 2.

In #1 Himbo, the Quarterfinals (so Top 8) featured 3 characters who went through Prelims. If it makes a difference tho, this bracket was only 32 characters and only 10 skipped prelims.

In Lest Rizz, the winner (Winner from Pit Babe), actually DID go through Prelims! He had the highest score in the prelims as well, with 86.9% yes votes and only 6.1% no votes. But it's worth noting that this was a very unique bracket due to the nature of the topic, so it wasn't easy to predict based on submission numbers.

In Most Unhinged, the furthest anyone from Prelims got was the Semifinals, with Xie Wang from Word of Honor. This bracket was also very unpredictable based on the seeding number. Out of the top 4 submitted, only 1 of them made it to the finals (and then lost), and the 2nd most submitted character lost Round 1 to a character ranked #63 in the seed, who only lost in the Quarterfinals to the Xue Yang who won.

In Poorest Little Meow Meow Season 2, the winner again went through Prelims! Jin Guangyao was only submitted once and without propaganda, but he took the cake in the end (later, someone sent me propaganda that was added to his polls, but initially he was in the bottom half of the seed).

In Greenest Flag Season 2, the furthest one went from the Prelims, was the Semifinals with Togawa from Old Fashion Cupcake! Though it should be noted, that for this bracket I changed the prelim rules and only characters with 3+ submissions and propaganda got to skip. Togawa had 2+ submissions and propaganda, so normally he wouldn't go through prelims. For characters who would have normally featured in the prelims, there were 3 of them in the Quarterfinals!

And in Most Whipped Season 2, the further one went from the Prelims, was the Quartfinals with Gao Shi De from We Best Love!

So to answer your question, 2 characters have actually won who went through the prelims, and in every other bracket, at least one has made it to the Semifinals or Quarterfinals.

Lately, I've found that seeding is becoming less and less reliable of what the outcomes will be. Before I took my hiatus like a year and a half ago, seeding was usually pretty accurate. Like there weren't huge upsets. Now there's almost always massive upsets. My observations from before and after my hiatus (prelims only started after hiatus) is this: while engagement on polls is relatively the same, the submissions statistics have drastically changed. On average, there are more characters being submitted, but way less repeat submissions. And repeat submissions are like the biggest factor in seeding and prelims. Don't know why this is happening, but it is and there's not much I can do except encourage y'all to submit every character you think fits the theme, including the ones you know have been submitted. That'll give me a more accurate indication of what people think, which helps both the seeding and prelims.

All and all, I'll still do the prelims and still do the seeding cause it helps. The only possible improvement I can see to the system is for every single character submitted to go through prelims and to then base the seeding on their score in prelims (since the [see results] option also functions as a built in method for gauging how well known a character is). The issue with that is like I've said before, I'm getting WAY more characters submitted. Just in this bracket alone, I had 120 different characters submitted. And that's a LOT of prelims to go through. And tbh I don't want to have to spend like a week on prelims before even getting to the main bracket. So I'll keep it as it is for now, but who knows what the future holds.

[companion-showdown]

Masterpost of Masterposts

Want to see how the previous tournaments went, look no further

Best Companion

WINNER: Rose Tyler 2023 edition - ran this one again this year voters comments are tagged differently as i will reblog passionate arguments for any candidate winner announcement

Fight Club

WINNER: Leela Who would win in a fight? winner announcement

Toxic Relationship

WINNER: Clara Oswald Who has the most toxic relationship with the Doctor? winner announcement

Get Them

WINNER: Tegan Jovanka Who is the most likely to beat the Doctor's ass? winner announcement

Companion's Companions

WINNER: K9 Favourite character who could be described as a companion to a companion winner announcement

Glowing Green Goo

WINNER: Iris Wildthyme Who is the most likely to lick the glowing green goo? winner announcement

The Great Himboff

WINNER: John Benton Who is the Greatest Himbo Companion? winner announcement

Not From Around Here

WINNER: Jamie McCrimmon Favourite companion not from contemprary Earth winner announcement

Just this once

WINNER: Wilfred Mott Which companion deserves to do well in a tournament for once?

Doctors of Doctor Who

WINNER: Martha Jones Who is the best companion who is a Doctor or medical professional winner announcement

Chaos Incarnate

WINNER: The TARDIS best chaotic companion winner announcement

Teenage Takedown

WINNER: Ace McShane best teenaged companion winner announcement

Master's Mates

WINNER: Jo Grant most fun relationship with the Master winner announcement

Biggest Gay Icon

WINNER: Bill Potts what is says on the tin winner announcement

Greatest Accomplice

WINNER: The TARDIS greatest accomplice to the Doctor's War Crimes winner announcement

Fashion Show

WINNER: (in a Romana-off) Romana II Greatest Fashion Sense winner announcement

Most Tragic Departure

WINNER: Donna Noble, but the final was rerun post 60th specials, and Adric won in a massive landslide! what is says on the tin (winner announcement)

Hottest Companion

WINNER: Martha Jones what is says on the tin winner announcement

Freaky Little Pets

best weird pet of anyone in Doctor Who WINNER: K9 winner announcement

Almost Companion

WINNER: Li Shou Yuing Who do you most wish had become a companion? winner announcement

Impossible Pairings

WINNER: Martha Jones with 9 favourite non-canon pairing winner announcement

Showdown 2k24

WINNER: Donna Noble Redo of favourite companion winner announcement

Villainous

WINNER: The TARDIS Which companion would make the best villain winner announcement

Intoxication

WINNER: Donna Noble Best companion to get intoxicated with winner announcement

Anti-Villainous

WINNER: Gomez!Master Which villain would you most want to see as a companion? winner announcement

Family Feud

WINNER: Mott-Noble-Temple Who is the best family in the whoniverse? winner announcement

UNIT members

WINNER: Liz Shaw Who is the best UNIT member? winner announcement

Bad Times

WINNER: Fitz Kreiner Who had the worst time aboard the TARDIS? winner announcement

Best TARDIS Team

WINNER: 9, Jack, Rose Who is the best TARDIS team? winner announcement

Stray Companions

WINNER: The TARDIS Which companion is most likely to wander off? winner announcement

Deeply Normal

WINNER: Ben Jackson Which companion is the most normal person? winner announcement

Deeply Abnormal

WINNER: The Master Which companion is the least normal person? winner announcement

The Robotathon

WINNER: K9 Who is the best robotic or cybernetically enhanced companion? winner announcement

Whostory

WINNER: Verity Lambert Who is most important to the history of Doctor Who winner announcement all competitors also got a similar style of post, they are under the tag #whostory: round up, each individual is also tagged by name

Showdown 2k25

WINNER: Clara Oswald Who is Tumblr's favourite companion? winner announcement

Horrifying

WINNER: Nyssa Which companion experience the most horrors? (by volume) I forgot to do a winner announcement

Bad Goodbyes

WINNER: Belinda Chandra Which character deserved a better written ending? winner announcement

You can find fun arguments for candidates under the tag #tags and replies

The current tournament is always my pinned post once it starts.

[loveforaugust]

traitor / steve rogers

sour writing activity :)

pairings: steve rogers x reader, steve rogers x natasha romanoff

warnings: angst

a/n: Besties this is horrible. i wrote this between three sittings. forced it out of my ass and finally came out w this. i hate the ending but whatever.

also i made natasha a bitch. and i don’t ship romanogers, although they might’ve made sense, it just worked in this specific scenario.

i’m gonna try and write some other one shots this week. stay tuned :)

I WAS ALSO GONNA MAKE RESDER END UP W THOR. SEND ME THOR REQUESTS, I LOVE MY ASGUARDIAN HIMBO!

brown guilty eyes and little white lies

yeah i played dumb but i always knew

“hey tony, do you have any idea where steve and natasha are?” you asked, looking around for your coworker and boyfriend. you and natasha had never seen eye to eye, but you still liked her company.

they hadn’t mentioned anything about a mission, or any group plans but you were struggling to find them now, when everyone else was at the compound.

this wasn’t the first time, and it most definitely would not be he last, because if you brought it up you were the paranoid partner who didn’t like your boyfriend having ‘girl friends.’

“i think they’re on a mission,” tony lied. fury had cancelled all of the missions this week for some unknown reason. and tony was lying right through his teeth to you.

“oh okay,” you swallowed, faking a smile and walking away, not knowing where your boyfriend was.

that you’d talk to her, maybe did even worse

i kept quiet so i could keep you

losing steve was one fo your biggest fears, you’d lost a lot of people in your life and the fear that he would leave you too quick always got to you. so you willingly sacrificed your right to emotions in the relationship to preserve him.

you’d never liked the idea of steve and natasha together. they were fishy, they always knew everything and would never tell anyone. you would join conversations to watch them die out, to watch natasha send you the look and steve would be oblivious.

you weren’t sure what else they had done (besides the main obvious), but the way he looked at her, the way he smiled and talked and laughed with her all seemed to be better than when he was with you.

and ain’t it funny

that you ran to her the second that we called it quits

and ain’t it funny

how you said you were friends now it sure as hell don’t look like it

it almost seemed like steve was waiting for the second the two of you would separate. like he was waiting for the relationship to end so he could finally have his own fun without you.

not even a day after the two of you broke up was he seen kissing natasha in the common room. while you were sobbing and packing up your stuff, he was out with the woman he told you not to worry about.

“we’re just friends, baby, i know you know that, so why are you so uptight? i love you,” steve would always say, always try and comfort you. he never meant it.

they were never just friends and it was easier if you just refused to believe he ever loved you at all. because with that, it appeared as though less feelings were being hurt, even though you were still broken up inside.

because steve had lied to you. and now none of it seemed real.

you betrayed me and i know that you’ll never feel sorry for the way i hurt

yeah, you talked to her, when we were together

loved you at your worst, but that didn’t matter

“don’t touch me, steve,” you hissed, trying to round your stuff up as quick as you could. he kept trying to grab you, to stop you from moving. to explain to you. but you didn’t want to hear it.

“y/n, i’m sorry!” he shouted at you, as he finally grabbed your arm.

“you’re sorry steve? sorry for what? breaking my heart? making me the bad guy? cheating on me with her?” you tore your arm away from him, pain and rage evident in your eyes.

“i never cheated, y/n, and you know that,” he huffed.

“steve, you told natasha all about the future you planned with her. how you would marry her, and build a life with her, how you loved her more than life itself. if that’s not basically cheating than what is?” you were heartbroken after hearing all about how he acted whilst you two were together.

“i loved you through everything, and you waited for something small and so obscure to happen so you could break my heart, because my love never mattered to you, not if you were acting like that.”

it took you two weeks

to go off and date her

guess you didn’t cheat

but you’re still a traitor

two weeks later, standing alone at another grand party, you were still heartbroken. slightly less, however as the two you dread most were not in attendance.

how your closest friends knew everything that was going on, and never mentioning a single bit to you might have been the worst part. while it most definitely came second to being mind cheated on with a coworker, you had lost every bit of trust you had given said friends.

which led you to a difficult position. one that could harm the potential future of the team. but you were basically already decided. how could you be expected to work with people who don’t have your back?

you can’t.

you planned on announcing your retirement from the team tonight, you weren’t sure whether you would give up the superhero life or continue as an outside agent. but you would figure that out.

steve and natasha entered just as you turned around from getting another drink. you were hoping they wouldn’t show up, hoping they wouldn’t hear directly from you about the retirement.

everyone welcomed them in with open arms, except for the one person who you knew had been there for you. the one person who had your back for the majority of your time as an avenger. james rhodes.

“are you sure you wanna do this? i mean it’s a big step.”

“i can’t work with a team i know doesn’t have my back.” rhodey nodded, he understood and he had your back no matter what you decided.

“everyone we have an announcement!” natasha shouted, the music lowering significantly as she tried to grab everyone’s attention.

“i also have an announcement,” you shouted after she got the room quiet. she shot you a dirty look but you pretended not to notice.

“after some time, we are officially boyfriend and girlfriend!” natasha and steve seemed elated to be together, happier than you had seen him throughout your relationship.

everyone applauded them as they stepped down to let you on the makeshift podium. you stepped up, stomach churning after that announcement.

“a lot has happened in the past couple weeks that has really solidified my decision on this. i know rhodey has been notified about this and so has agent fury but i am announcing my official retirement form the avengers.” a collective gasp was heard around the room as you stepped down.

“why are you punishing us over something that’s not even our fault?” wanda asked, seemingly heartbroken.

“you guys didn’t have my back when i needed you, you all lost the trust i had in you. i can’t work like that.” you turned your back and began to walk away. getting nearer and nearer towards the exit made your breathing speed up. until you were stopped by a hand gripping your wrist.

“don’t leave, y/n, cmon, you know we’re sorry.” steve spoke, his voice low and slow.

“i any do it, steve. i wasn’t just back stabbed by you, it was by all of the team.”

“i never cheated on you.”

“i know, but you’re still a traitor.”

[mayihavethisdanse]

“What is this, the Dark Ages?”

Or, Arthurian themes and allusions in the Brotherhood of Steel mythos as seen in Fallout 4. (But that’s a lot of words.)

Yep. We're doing this. 

First, some obligatory caveats: there is no single Arthurian canon, just 1500 years of assorted fanfic based on the whims of whoever was writing at the time. For this extremely highbrow Tumblr meta, I have ignored most of it and drawn on my favorites. Also Wikipedia.

Also, I am not an expert in Arthurian literature (or Fallout lore, come to that), and I preemptively beg the pardon of anyone who is.

Finally, in no way am I claiming that all these parallels and thematic echoes are deliberate or even significant. In fact, I'd break it down into:

Clearly deliberate allusions, whether in or out of universe;

Probably coincidence, but could be someone deliberately capitalizing on a coincidental similarity;

Almost certainly coincidence, but fun to speculate about; annnnd

Blatant Monty Python references. (Because of course there are.)

I'll start with the big one.

Arthur Maxson, boy king and unifier

(source)

So across all the retellings and variations of King Arthur’s life story, there are a few consistent elements, particularly in his early life and rise to power. Some of these threads are echoed in the Fallout universe, specifically (and unsurprisingly) in the person of Arthur Maxson.

Both the legendary King Arthur and Arthur Maxson were born with a claim to power lying in their ancestry, both were fostered away from their families, and both proved themselves in combat at a young age. 

King Arthur united the warring kingdoms of Britain into a single entity, making them stronger against outsiders and receiving general admiration and acclaim. Arthur Maxson united the divided factions of the BoS after the events of Fallout 3 and is held in similarly high regard by his men.

The name Prydwen is a reference to the ship of the original King Arthur. Presumably, Arthur Maxson (or someone in the BoS who anticipated his promotion) christened the airship in a deliberate homage to the Arthurian myth.

King Arthur is associated with his legendary sword. I think it’s notable that Maxson’s legend is associated with a bladed weapon, too. ("He killed a DEATHCLAW with a COMBAT KNIFE!”)

Probably coincidence, but fun: the historical emperor Magnus Maximus, who pops up a lot in early Arthurian legend, was known in Welsh as... Macsen. (⌐■_■)

Round Table, but make it dieselpunk

(Continued under the cut.)

Moving away from obvious allusions and into some looser parallels:

Like the Round Table, the Brotherhood is an exclusive knightly order with its leader being the one able to open it up to his chosen few.

Like the Round Table, the BoS sees itself as defending human civilization against forces of chaos. (I’ll touch on their tech-hoarding tendencies when I get to the Grail stuff.) This idea of civilization in the face of chaos goes back to the BoS’s founding, even though the level of isolationism we see in most of the Fallout franchise is not exactly what founder Roger Maxson had in mind: “Notably, Maxson's ultimate intention was to establish the Brotherhood as an organization that works closely with people outside of the Brotherhood, as guardians of civilizations, not its gatekeepers.” (source) In a lot of ways, Arthur Maxson represents a return to his ancestor’s original ideals.

Renegade knights? Internal politics? Traitors within? We gotchu.

In both the medieval legends and in all chapters of the BoS we’ve seen, there’s a big focus on bloodlines (ew). Ironically, it’s probably Arthur Maxson’s unquestionable ancestry that allows him to be more progressive than either of his East Coast predecessors when it comes to boosting Brotherhood numbers by recruitment (even though you can still see a clear division between “born Brotherhood” and recruited soldiers, but that’s a topic for another day). Maxson sees himself as an Elder who "cares for the people"—however misguided and patronizing that attitude might be—and whatever else you might say about the guy, you can't say he doesn't believe he has a duty. Which brings us to…

Know Your Enemy: Danse as Gawain

Before I start this section, an acknowledgement of authorial bias:

Gawain, as portrayed in the Middle English poem Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, is my very favorite of King Arthur’s knights. (Other stories aren't always as flattering, but like I said at the outset: I'm sticking to the ones I like.)

That poem is my very favorite piece of medieval Arthurian literature. In this section, I'll refer to the modern English translation by Simon Armitage.

...that’s it, I have no other biases to disclose. 

What? 👀

(Art: Clive Hicks-Jenkins)

All right. So in Sir Gawain and the Green Knight, you’ve got this himbo loyal knight of Arthur’s who finds himself caught up in... you know what, let me just paste in the Wikipedia summary. (The Toast, RIP, also did a pretty entertaining and more-or-less accurate recap.)

It describes how Sir Gawain, a knight of King Arthur's Round Table, accepts a challenge from a mysterious "Green Knight" who dares any knight to strike him with his axe if he will take a return blow in a year and a day. Gawain accepts and beheads him with his blow, at which the Green Knight stands up, picks up his head and reminds Gawain of the appointed time. In his struggles to keep his bargain, Gawain demonstrates chivalry and loyalty until his honour is called into question by a test involving the lord and the lady of the castle where he is a guest.

Don’t worry too much about the plot details, though; for this post, I’m more interested in the thematic parallels. The Green Knight story is full of contrasts: order vs. chaos, civilization vs. wilderness, mortal man vs. Other... but let’s start with Gawain himself. 

Some stuff to know about Gawain:

He was "as good as the purest gold, devoid of vices but virtuous and loyal". Gawain took his principles more seriously even than the rest of Arthur’s knights, not out of pride but out of humility: "I would rather drop dead than default from duty," he says. 

He’s faithful and honorable and never even tempted to betray an oath, even when offered every variety of seduction and riches, except for a single moment of weakness in a desperate desire not to be executed for random shit by powerful forces for reasons he doesn't understand.  

Even though he doesn’t really understand why he needs to die, he sticks to his oath. Gawain's one weakness is a moment of desperate, private, human desire for survival. He'll submit to the headsman’s axe if he has to, but he'd still rather live. 

Above all, Gawain is the ideal of a human man: he might be the bravest and loyal man there is, but he’s still fundamentally human.

You can probably see where I'm going with this.

A few more fun facts about Gawain that resonate with Paladin Danse’s story:

He’s got a bunch of really shitty brothers. (No comment.)

Gawain (SPOILERS!) doesn't actually end up beheaded, but he does willingly kneel for his execution and gets a cut on the throat as a reminder of his sin. And, uh, Danse can also get his throat cut! It doesn’t end as nicely but it’s, you know, a thing that can happen.

Gawain might be a really good guy, and he tries really hard to be one, but in the end he’s nothing more than that: there’s nothing supernatural about him, he has no special powers beyond his own principles and devotion. He’s just a dude doing his Best. 

Wait, why not Danselot?

Oh, that guy? Here’s the thing.

Lancelot personifies the continental ideals of courtly love that became popular in the High Middle Ages. Central to his story is the prioritization of personal relationships and romantic feelings in a way that you don’t really see in Gawain's, at least in the Green Knight tale. (Later stories hook Gawain up with an extremely delightful lady, but even that is a different flavor of romance than Lancelot's and has more to do with Gawain honoring his word and his egalitarian treatment of women (hell yeah). In the poem, Gawain is impressed by Bertilak's wife but resists her temptation; in fact, the biggest risk is not that he'll yield to her advances but that he'll be discourteous to her, i.e., violate his principles and cause dishonor to his king and his host.)

Lancelot is driven by passions over principles in a way that Gawain never really is (at least in the stories I’m talking about; later writers have committed character assassination to various degrees). Yes, you could argue that both Gawain and Lancelot betray their oaths, but Lancelot’s betrayal is never, um, blind. He knows what he’s doing and makes a deliberate choice to prioritize his love for the queen over his love for the king. It doesn’t make him a bad guy—he too is an ideal knight with one fatal flaw—but his character isn’t as comparable to Paladin Danse. 

Yeah, Gawain is (in most stories) a prince and a kinsman of Arthur’s, but he’s ultimately a native boy who doesn’t break the mold of a Knight of the Round Table. Likewise, Danse is portrayed as competent and valuable to the BoS, but not exceptional or breaking the mold of what a BoS soldier should be: he simply represents the ideal. Meanwhile, Lancelot is a foreign prince who was marked from childhood as special and fancy, and his storyline goes alllll over the place. (Much like this post.)

For example, Lancelot goes to absolutely absurd extremes to prove his devotion for no other reason than to prove it. (“I’ll do any useless humiliating thing you want. I’ll betray every oath except the one I made to you. That’s what love is!”) Gawain would never. Danse would never.

Ultimately, Gawain's tests are of his character and not of his love. And like Gawain, Danse’s devotion is to service and his principles, not to another person—even Arthur Maxson.

All that said, there are some similarities: both are beloved by Arthur, both are held up as the ideal of what a knight should be. And even if their fatal flaws are different, both make the point that no matter how good and brave and loyal they might be, no human being can be perfect. 

(Except Galahad. Who is, as a result, very boring.) 

I’ll conclude this section with a quote from someone else’s take on the Greek Knight poem:

I like Gawain. He’s not perfect, but he’s trying his best which is all any of us can do. He’s not like the other knights in the Arthurian legends who occasionally ‘accidentally’ kill women on their little adventures and then feel hard done by when they have to deal with the consequences of that. Gawain holds himself to a high standard – higher, it seems, than Arthur and his knights hold him to considering how hard they laugh when Gawain tells them how bad he feels about the whole thing.

I think Gawain is very relatable in this story. We all want to be better than we actually are.

And that, more than anything else, is Danse.

The Grail myth

What’s that? Lost relics of power? Better send some large armed men after ‘em!

The parallels to the BoS’s tech-hoarding ways are obvious enough that the games themselves lampshade them (albeit by way of Monty Python). But it also ties into the larger themes of “purity” versus “corruption” and the BoS’s self-image as a bastion between civilization and chaos. (See Maxson's line in response to the Sole Survivor’s quip about the Dark Ages: “Judging from the state of the world, it wouldn't be a stretch to say we're living in that era again.”)

But the ultimate futility of the Grail mission is also worthy of note. The BoS might want the power of prewar tech on their side, but they’re no more to be trusted with it than any other group of human beings. No matter how they try, the “corruption” of humanity can’t be overcome as long as they’re striving to harness power for their own ends. You can only achieve power by surrendering control of it.

The death of Arthur

The nature of gameplay being what it is, it's not guaranteed that the Arthur figure will be fatally betrayed, bringing Camelot down with him—but it's not unlikely, either.

Awkward.

Some final spitballing:

Outside the Brotherhood, there are some fun parallels of the Arthur myth with the rest of Fallout 4. Betrayal by one’s own son, for example.

The key difference between the BoS and the legendary Round Table: King Arthur’s knights, for all their flaws and human weaknesses, are usually presented as unambiguous Good Guys. The BoS is... a little more ambiguous...

...but damn if they don’t think they're the good guys. 

A-ad victoriam, fellas!

[princessphilly]

Tag list:  @ohpuckyeah @joelsfarabee @besthockeyfics @dreamer1430 @defiant-mouse @miracleonice87 @lovethepreds @linkingdolans @chicagostylehockey @heatherlcrosby87 @hockeywocs @shortstacks-blog @heatherawoowoo @newlibrary @markymarkstrom @iangiemae @puckbitchesgetmoney @missymore @himbos-on-ice @fiveholegoal @no-pucks-given @pagirl6866 @willieshakesqueer @nazdaddy @whatishockey @alphalib22 @romanseggy @laurenairay @konecny-s @cutiesara23 @myhockeyworld87 @extratragic @squidlywiddly87 @stuff4me2do @allinangel93 @mydarkestsecretlol @t0xickisses2 @nhlboyshavemyhart88 @tangercrosbyschultzfan25887 @shelbsatans​

CW: soft smut, mentions of miscarriage, fucked up doctors. 

This is definitely it. Sid and Nina’s story is over but you will see them in the other fics of this universe, including a huge part of Plain Jane

Nina stared at the boxes. It was time to pack but at the same time, she couldn’t do it. 

They were so excited. A baby so early in their marriage had seemed scary but Sid and Nina were ready. They had picked out colors, a room for a nursery, and had begun to discreetly pick up supplies. 

It was nineteen weeks; still early but they were getting ready to announce. Then there was the blood in the toilet three days ago when Nina woke up and went to the bathroom. And now, their first, a girl, was gone. 

The doctor was sympathetic, and said it happens a lot. Most pregnancies never make it to birth, she said. But it hurt that their girl was now an angel. Nina sniffled as she packed the pack-and-play back into the box. 

“Hey, why are you doing that? You’re supposed to rest!”

Nina looked up, tears in her eyes. Sidney rushed to her, lowering himself to the floor. Gathering his wife in his arms, he soothed, “Pretty girl, we’ll have more.”

“But-but-“

Nina’s tears turned into sobs as she relaxed in her husband’s arms. Her momma had a history of miscarriages: what if that meant that there would never be a child?

As if he could read her mind, Sidney replied, “it doesn’t matter, I love you no matter what.”

**

Nina was sleeping, finally getting some rest. Matthew was napping on Sidney’s chest, his little boy still red but much calmer. 

It hadn’t been an easy birth for Nina. This was their third pregnancy but first child to make it past the 2nd trimester. And Matthew decided to come out three weeks early, November 26 instead of his due date of December 17. 

The door opened and Matthew stirred a bit before settling back down. Sidney looked around: his mother was curled into a chair, reading a book while Tracy was scrolling her phone on the couch. The proud grandfathers had gone out to get lunch for everyone. 

Walking in, the doctor said, “The nurse said Nina is healing nicely but we will have to do some stitches. Your son is a big boy.”

Sidney gave him a tentative grin. Matthew was 9lbs, 4 oz and 22 inches long. He was on the bigger side. The doctor continued, “When I stitch her, I can give her a husband stitch, if you like.”

“What is that,” Sidney asked, wrinkling his nose. 

Trina interjected, “Don’t you dare, Sidney.”

In a soothing voice, the doctor said, “it’s an extra stitch to make your wife as tight as she was before she gave birth.” He winked at Sidney. 

Sidney looked at his mother before responding, “No.”

“Are you sure?”

“No,” Nina managed to say, opening her eyes. “I heard about that stitch and I will sue if you do that to me.”

“You heard her.”

Sidney gave the doctor a hard look as he shrugged, preparing to give Nina only the necessary stitches. Passing his boy to his mother, Sidney said, “I’d like a different doctor.”

“What, I’ve been-”

Sidney took out his phone, ready to start making some calls. The doctor left, grumbling under his throat. Nina gave Sidney a grateful smile before dozing off again. 

**

One of the hardest things for Sidney was the fact that it was best for his boy not to grow up in Canada. As a proud Canadian, that rankled him. He wanted Matt to be more Canadian than American. But when a video of 2 year old Matt skating and hitting a puck dead center into the net made major news, Sidney knew he had no choice. He wanted Matt to have more of a childhood than him, to not feel like he had to be the next one. 

So, his family spent most of the year in Pittsburgh and summers in Cole Harbour or on different vacations. Sidney knew that his son was still “famous” but Matt was still treated as a kid. With Nina’s extended family, there wasn’t any preferential treatment. His kids were the same as their cousins in Nina’s family, giving his children normalcy Sidney never had as a child. 

Sidney raked a hand through his silver hair. As much as he wanted Matt to go his own way, it still freaked him out that his son chose to be a *goalie* out of all positions. He winced as he heard a shot hit the post. Then Matt made a glove save and Sid clapped.

“That’s not the talent I expected but he’s already showing signs of being a better goalie than center, Sid.”

Sidney turned to his longtime mentor and now close friend, Mario. Shrugging, he replied, “I just want him to be happy. He’s happy, I’m happy.” 

Sidney smirked. “Plus, Chloe is going to be the best woman’s hockey player ever. She’s 8 and she’s already playing with 10 to 12 year old girls.”

“True,” Mario conceded. “You’ve transitioned from pro to hockey dad.”

“Eh, can’t forget Aja and Morgan. I’m a hockey, figure skating, soccer, and dance dad. Not bad for a fifty year old washed up player.”

“Who’s washed up?”

Sidney grinned as his wife bumped him with her hip. His baby girl was holding Nina’s hand, her hair pulled up into a dancer’s bun. Chloe was right behind her, still clad in her hockey gear, Aja trailing behind with a book in her hands. 

“I am,” Sidney drawled. 

Chloe piped up, “No you’re not, Daddy! You’re still the best hockey player ever!”

“Yup,” Morgan added while Aja nodded, absorbed in her book. 

“No, you’ll be the best hockey player ever, Chlo’,” Aja stated, closing her book. “Daddy will be the best men’s hockey player.”

As Aja firmly nodded, Sidney and Mario laughed. 

**

Nina let out a breath. It was crazy how just one touch from Sidney made her hot, even seventeen years later. His lips were trailing down her neck, one hand cupping her breasts. “Can you be quiet for me, pretty girl?”

“Uh huh,” Nina breathed out. Sidney’s other hand was exploring her folds. She was getting wet but menopause was finally calling so Nina knew they would need some help. Leaning away from Sidney, she pulled out the lube from the drawer. 

“Thanks, pretty girl, but I’m more interested in burying my face in your pussy,” Sidney laughed. 

Nina replied softly, “No problem. You know my mom just came back from her cruise so the girls will go find her first this morning.”

“Even better. Spread your legs for me, pretty girl. You know what daddy wants.”

Nina let out a giggle that quickly turned into a muffled moan as she felt Sidney’s tongue gently lick through her pussy, his nose nudging her clit the way she liked it. He ate her slowly, bringing Nina close to the edge but never letting her go. Then Sidney stopped, kissing his way up Nina’s body before kissing her, letting Nina taste herself. 

Wrapping her legs around his waist, Nina urged, “Please, Sidney,” managing to keep her voice at a whisper. Before he could answer, they heard some girlish giggles and they both paused. 

“I locked the door last night,” Sidney whispered into Nina’s ear. Nina giggled then moaned as she felt Sidney’s fingers spread the cool lube over her pussy. Then he entered her, nice and slow.

“Love you, pretty girl,” Sidney whispered as Nina arched against him. She was clenching around his cock; he wanted to go slow and savor it this morning but Nina had different ideas. 

Nina whispered, “Love you, too,” her fingernails digging into his back. Then she squeaked as Sidney withdrew, turning her onto her hands and knees.  

**

“Momma, you promised to make breakfast today.”

Nina straggled into the kitchen, her robe wrapped tightly around her body. “Morg, it’s 9:30 in the morning on a Saturday, it’s still morning.”

Chloe piped up, “You’re usually up before us everyday, Momma.”

Nina shared a look with Sidney who squelched a laugh. He had planned to just go one round with his wife but it turned into three to start off the day right. 

Sighing, Nina grabbed bowls to prepare waffles. Morgan added, “Mimi made waffle batter already, Momma.”

“Thanks, Mom,” Nina sincerely stated. 

Tracey shrugged. “I figured I’d give you a break since I’ve been gone. You know I love my grand girls.”

Matthew yawned as he walked into the kitchen, his hair sticking up all over his head. “Hi,” he sleepily said before going to the fridge and grabbing a bottle of Gatorade. 

“It’s too early for energy drinks, Matt,” Sidney chided. 

“Sorry, Dad.”

Matthew was about three weeks from turning twelve and the whole teenage era was coming fast. Now, he was sleeping in and staying up late. Nina sighed, it was too early for one of her babies to grow up. 

“I would have woken up earlier but these girls had to jump on my bed at 7am, Dad,” Matthew complained. “They said your door was locked. Why do they always have to bother me?”

“Because we love you, Matty,” Aja said with a mischievous smile. “And some girl sent you messages while you were asleep.”

Matthew glared at his little sister. “Girls are ugly. Especially girls like you.”

Sid and Nina shared a look. Sid just had “the talk” with Matthew and they were both happy he still saw girls as ugly, at least for now. Tracey said, “Oh baby, that’s no way to talk to your little sister.”

“I’m sorry, Mimi,” Matthew said, giving his grandmother a kiss. “Momma, can we have blueberry waffles today?”

“Plain waffles,” Nina said firmly. “You can add blueberries, strawberries, or peaches as a fruit topping.”

“No chocolate chips?”

Chloe and Morgan gave their mother their biggest puppy-dog eyes. Nina shook her head. They then give Sidney the same look, saying together, “Daddy, can we have chocolate chips with our waffles?”

Sidney laughed as he picked up two of his girls. “You two already know the answer to that!”

Chloe pouted as Morgan laughed at the silly faces Sidney was making. Sidney added, “It’s Saturday so you know today is ice cream day after dinner. Did anyone feed Maddie?”

Nina giggled as she turned on the grill. At the mention of her name, Maddie, their dog, ran into the kitchen. Pharaoh, their cat, followed Maddie in, stretching before walking around her legs. As her family noisily talked, Nina sighed in happiness. She loved her family, life was perfect.

[levithestripper]

hi! i’m new to your account, congrats on 200! could i request a romantic male attack on titan matchup please? i’m a manga reader.

my pronouns are she/her and i go by rita on here. i’m questioning.

i’m 5’6 with brown eyes, normally a bit tanner skin but i haven’t been out much, my hair is cut into a v short shag and it’s wavy. pear shaped body and i wear glasses, round-ish face and i apparently always look sad and intimidating. i wear a lot of black clothes and high waisted pants.

i’m an intj, slytherin, & libra sun, aquarius moon, leo rising. i’m very reserved, quiet, and awkward and i’ve been told i’m intimidating. i’m stubborn and do get angry/annoyed easily. once i open up i feel like i’m pretty chill and like joking around and having fun.

my hobbies include baking, writing, spending time with ppl i’m close to, playing the sims, and relaxing and doing nothing.

my turn ons: someone reliable, kind, and loyal. my turn offs: liars, arrogant and closed-minded people.

my love language is quality time and gifts. i express my love through quality time.

my ideal relationship is either reserved gf & himbo/nice/shy bf or reserved bf&gf lol. i guess i’d enjoy dates where we spend time together either walking around the city getting sweets or spending time at home playing board games. i really like soups (pho, ramen, comfort soups) and ice cream although i tend to not like super sweet things.

thank you <3

@zekejeagrs

Thank you so much! Sorry for taking so long to get to your matchup, I have a lot. I hope you enjoy who I've picked for you!

I matched you up with-

✩ Levi Ackerman! ✩

Levi likes to sit in bed with you and do absolutely fucking nothing. Just, nothing at all.

He'll have an arm draped over your shoulder, keeping you close as you scrolled through instagram or whatever you do on your phone in the mornings.

He loves to wear your clothes. Don't tell Hange though, b/c they'll loose their mind and demand you to give them pictures.

Levi loves to give you things. Like, it's not even funny. He'll see something that reminds him of you and he immediately buys it for you. You have so much stuff from him it's adorable.

He loves to cup your face in his hands and just stare at you. He just can't fathom how he's dating someone as pretty as you are so he likes to just look at you for a while to try and figure it out.

He won't tell you this but he likes it that you're taller than him. It makes him feel safe.

If I'm being honest, Levi doesn't know what the hell a libra sun, aquarius moon, and leo rising is and at this point he's to afraid to ask. (so am i but we're not talking about that)

He will crush you at any board game you play together. Just accept that you'll never win and move on.

Levi doesn't make a big deal about your birthday but he makes a big deal out of your birthday in small ways. Does that make sense? Like, he won't go singing to the heavens about it but he won't completely ignore it. He'll give you a few gifts throughout the day, and save the biggest one for when you finally go to bed. (You can interpret that as you wish don't @ me)

He will spend an hour doing nothing but making out with you.

When you're playing video games, he'll come up from behind you and wrap his arms around your neck, resting his head on either your shoulders or the top of your head.

Bake for him and he'll love you forever.

[crown-official]

BASICS

stage name dojin birth name park dojin (박도진) other names n/a birthday february 12 1999 zodiac aries birthplace busan, south korea hometown busan, south korea ethnicity korean nationality south korean languages korean (native) official crown jewel: sapphire

FAMILY

mother lee minyoung (이민영) father park junseok (박준석) younger sister park doyeon (박도연) younger brother park dohyun (박도현)

PHYSICAL

faceclaim song mingi height 183cm weight 68kg

CAREER

occupation idol group crøwn (2019-), hero (2018-) company wakeone ent. (2019-), jellyfish ent. (2014-) position main rapper, sub vocal training period 4 years survival show boys planet 999 final rank 9th (overall) | 4th (team:k)

TRIVIA

dojin practiced taekwondo since he was 6 - he originally wanted to become a taekwondo instructor when he grew up but quit when he was 17 so he could dedicate himself to his idol training

he has a very cold appearance but his personality is the complete opposite - he is very soft and jokes around a lot

dojin was a contestant on produce 101 season 2 in 2017 representing jellyfish entertainment - he was eliminated during the 3rd round of eliminations

he grew up speaking the busan dialect

1/2 of the crøwn's himbo line

his biggest dream is to go on tour - whether with crøwn or with hero

BOYS PLANET 999

rankings: k06, p9 (k06), k07, p7 (k05), p9 (k04)

having appeared on produce 101 s2 in 2017, dojin's name was already well known among knetz - his appearance on boys planet 999 was already very promising

fans of pd101 noticed that dojin's skills improved since pd101 after watching his planet demo stage

during boys planet 999 dojin managed to consistently rank in the top 9 except for the second round of eliminations

dojin teamed up with his labelmate shion and a team:c contestant in the combination mission and performance "we are" by woo wonjae

dojin's best performance was during the creation mission where he was the main rapper for the "deja vu" performance - many knetz praised him for his rapping skills and stage presence

viewers was shocked but very relieved to see dojin rank 9th, earning the last spot in the debut team, believing that he was the most deserving of debut

[robin-the-enby]

Hello there! I hope you are fine. May I have a Black Butler matchup?

So uh I'm 17, INFP, a pisces and a pan. I have short, straight black hair with black-ish big eyes. I have an round face with chubby cheeks even though I'm a bit of the thin side.I have long eyelashes and wear glasses. So basically I have baby face and I don't show my age at all! As for my height I'm 1.70 cm.

For my personality, I'm that mom-friend that every friend group has. Need some painkillers? BAM! Need some pads? Do you need 1 or 50? You are hurt? Don't worry I have an aid kit. Your stomach or head hurts? Honey, don't you worry I have a various kind of herb teas with myself.

If someone needs a shoulder to cry on, that person is me. If somebody hurts my friends I go like "So you are saying that he/she/they broke your heart? Okay give me the names and addresses. Now."I would deal with them and then say "So do I need to break some more faces?" I'm not that violent but if they touch my family and friends.... May God help them.

But I'm actually very kind and smiley. I'm the kind of person who smiles at strangers, hold the door for them, talk with a waiter casually and smile at them as well. I never judge someone for their nationality, skin color, language, sexuality etc. And If I see someone bully another person for these reasons or another one, I stand against the bully and if needed I beat them.

I may seem like an cold and serious person at first meeting but over time I'm the biggest goofball and crackhead you can ever see! Sometimes I'm a bit sarcastic and tease my closest friends a lot- ofc I never offend them. I know what they are insecure about( if they are, WHICH isn't allowed on my watch.- and My friends always tell me that I kinda flirt with them but I never realize and When I actually try to flirt, I can't? But I also know how to be serious as well.

For the hobbies; I love watching anime, literature, myths, listening and observing people, comforting people or just listen their rantings, reading, listening music and singing.... I am not that good at gardening and stuff but sometimes I do this as well...

Thanks a lot in advance and I'm glad I found you blog!😍😘

Hi, I'm doing amazing, thanks for asking! I honestly wish every mom friend out there a very pleasant existence. Don't forget to take care of yourself, huns! I match you with:

Soma

This dude, omg. He'd declare his love for you the day you two meet.

Of course, at that time he isn't really in love with you (yet), but he definitely wants to spend more time with you.

And oh boy does he spend more time with you. As soon as he finds out where you live, he'd be at your doorstep every day, asking if you wanted to hang out.

If you'd say no, he'd give you the most convincing and iressistible puppy dog eyes that you've ever seen.

This man child is very clingy, but Agni holds him back to an extent, because everybody needs time for themselves.

Btw, Agni is your biggest shipper and fan, you have his infinite blessings from the start.

But as soon as you set some boundaries (and trust me when I say you gotta do it firmly, because he can be a bit thick, if you know what I mean), he'll become the cutest, most selfless boyfriend you've ever had.

Mans is enchanted by your kind and helping personality, but he'd rather if you both got pampered by Agni (who is honestly just really happy for you two so he doesn't mind) than you doing the work.

However, if you're insistent, he'll just sigh and later on brag to everyone (ehmehmCielehmehm) about how kind of a girlfriend he's got and how you're his entire life and he'd give up anything for you if he had to.

Have you ever forgotten to take care of yourself, since you're taking care of others all the time? Well, not anymore! Soma makes sure that if you're adamant on taking care of him and others, you will get taken care of as well!

That said, sometimes he gets jealous of Agni if you spend too much time with him, assuring that he's ok too or anything else. He'd pull you away to do something and act pouty around Agni and the poor khansama has no clue what he did wrong.

Soma plans days off for you two, be it so that you could just be lazy all day and stay in bed or have a picnic or go to a spa.

Sometimes he gets insecure about his personality, worrying that he's "too much" and overwhelming (usually after getting scolded by Ciel).

He'd love if you just cuddled him and reassured him that you won't leave him because he's too loud.

He's very handsy as well, kind of like Lizzy with Ciel, just not as forcefull. He won't yank you around, but he is the master of surprise hugs and suddenly picking you up off the ground.

He's not really a crackhead, but definitely a himbo. So your energies go very well together <3

Agni would tell the both of you stories and myths from India, sing you their songs and Soma would try to teach you some dances if you'd like. If you say yes, he's over the moon! He can't wait to dress you in their national robes, you'll look like a princess that you basically are now.

In return, you can share some myths from your country and get them both familiar with your culture in return.

Soma would just be such a great and fun boyfriend!

I can also see you with: I wanted to say Joker, because I feel like he's also very kind to those around him, but I don't have that good of a grasp on him yet, since I'm in the process of watching Book of circus. But definitely Grell Sutcliff - She loves to get pampered and taken care of. Would love it if you listened to her ramble. But she knows not to just take from someone. I feel like she'd love to spoil you almost as much as she loves to be spoiled. Like, this woman goes all out. Spa days and makeovers and shopping are a must. She'll give you her honest opinions on outfits that would look good on you and trust me, she has a keen eye ;) You just need to remind her sometimes to slow down or calm down a bit, she's very excited since there's finally somebody who gives her the love and attention she deserves <3

[grailfinders]

Fate and Phantasms #108: Iskandar

Today on Fate and Phantasms we’re making Alexander unlily, a.k.a. Iskandar! The Macedonian Macerator is beefy as hell, but he’s also a swell guy in general- possibly history’s first himbo. I’m just happy that I now I can finally watch Tulok’s video without having to worry about accidentally plagiarizing his build months later. To summarize: Horse. Army. Lightning weapons. Let’s do this.

You can check out Iskandar’s build breakdown below the cut, or his character sheet over here!

Next up: Could someone with depression do this?! *warps time and space*

Race and Background

Iskandar’s got some of that good old Zeus blood in him, making him yet another Aasimar Noble. Protector Aasimar get Darkvision, Celestial Resistance to necrotic and radiant damage, Healing Hands for hands that do a bit of healing, and the Light cantrip for the sake of anyone not lucky enough to be born part god.

Also as a noble, you’re good at History and Persuasion. You managed to get Waver’s vote, if nothing else. Also, you’re a part of history, so that kind of feels like cheating.

Ability Scores

Your biggest power is quite literally the men you’ve inspired along the way, so make sure your Charisma is as high as possible. After that is Strength. your second biggest power is being ripped as shit. Third is Constitution to keep down your wine, then Dexterity. You’re not super limber any more, but keeping your guns out means you’re wearing medium armor. Your Wisdom isn’t that strong because Alexander the Great is not Alexander the Well-Behaved. Finally, dump Intelligence. You are smart, but more in a wisdomy sort of way, not a Wavery sort of way. 

Class Levels

1. Paladin 1: Much like yourself, you’re good enough at magically slapping people with weapons to earn the vaunted title of paladin at level 1. This gives you Wisdom and Charisma save proficiency, as well as Athletics and Intimidation. You cut a scary figure, what can I say.

You can also use your Divine Sense to hunt down Caster’s abominations more easily, or Lay on Hands for yet another way to slap someone back to life.

2. Paladin 2: Second level paladins get a free fighting style. Grab Dueling for better one-handed stabbing. You also have a pike but that’s for later, because right now you’re also getting Spells. You can prepare and cast them with your Charisma, and right now you only have level one spell slots. Sadly none of the smites you get right now come with lightning damage, but at least it’s something. If you’d rather not worry about magic, you can spend all your spell slots on Divine Smites instead for raw radiant damage.

3. Barbarian 1: You’re charming, but you’re also buff as hell and not completely reasonable, so this isn’t that strange a mix. First level barbarians can Rage as a bonus action for extra damage, advantage on strength checks and saves, and even more damage resistances. You also get a bit of Unarmored Defense that we won’t be using.

As an Aasimar, this is the level your Radiant Soul kicks in, giving you a flying speed and extra radiant damage once per turn for a minute. You can use this once per long rest. I know technically the horse should be flying, but we’ll take it where we can get it.

4. Barbarian 2: Second level barbarians get Reckless Attacks; gaining advantage on your weapon attacks in exchange for giving advantage as well. You can also use your Danger Sense for advantage on dexterity saves.

5. Barbarian 3: As a third level barbarian you can summon the beginnings of your Ionioi Hetairoi thanks to your Ancestral Guardian subclass. When you rage, you can summon Ancestral Protectors that make it harder for creatures to target anything other than you. They target the first creature you hit each turn, and any other creature that takes damage from them has resistance to it. You tend to be the center of attention, after all.

You also get a bit of Primal Knowledge for proficiency in Animal Handling. You’re a rider, you should know how to... y’know, ride.

6. Paladin 3: Third level paladins also get their subclass, and if you remember your childhood the Oath of Glory should be nothing new to you. Your Divine Health makes you immune to disease, and you get to Channel Divinity in two ways, once per short rest. You can either become a Peerless Athlete for advantage on athletics and acrobatics checks, a doubled carrying capacity, and an extra 10 feet of jumping distance; or you can make an Inspiring Smite, spending a bonus action after using your divine smite to hand out some temporary HP to allies (including yourself) nearby, divided however you like.

You also get fancy new oath spells- Guiding Bolt for more things that really should deal lightning damage and Heroism in case you don’t have enough healing yet.

7. Paladin 4: You finally get an Ability Score Improvement at level 7, so use this one to grab the Mounted Combatant feat. This gives you combat advantage against any creature smaller than your mount, the ability to redirect attacks against your mount to you instead, and mount evasion. You’ll notice you don’t have a mount yet- we’re working on it, promise.

8. Paladin 5: Fifth level paladins get an Extra Attack per attack action for more stabbing. More relatedly, you also get second level spells, like Enhance Ability to give an ally advantage on one kind of skill check- strength, dexterity, constitution, intelligence, wisdom, or charisma. It also comes with little bonuses for those first three. You also get Magic Weapon for fancier stabbing.

While Find Steed isn’t an oath spell, it does let you find a steed that’s smarter than most horses, and your spells that should affect only you affect your horse as well. I know Radiant Soul isn’t a spell, but c’mon hypothetical DM. c’monnnn.

9. Barbarian 4: Use this next ASI to bump up your Strength for even better stabbing. It’s pretty straightforward.

10. Barbarian 5: You don’t get an extra attack this time, but you do get Fast Movement for an extra 10′ of movement. You’re usually on a horse, but it’s nice to have a little bit more speed regardless.

11. Fighter 1: You didn’t really think we were done multiclassing yet, did you? Fighters get yet another fighting style, and Great Weapon Fighting will make your pike damage a little more consistent. You can also take a break as a bonus action to use your Second Wind to heal yourself. A good king fights hard and rests harder.

12. Fighter 2: Second level fighters can use an Action Surge to put even more stabbing in their turn once per short rest. Again it’s pretty simple, but effective.

13. Fighter 3: You’re good at riding, and so are Cavaliers. This makes you proficient in Insight so you can read Waver like a book, and you’re also Born to the Saddle. You have advantage against falling off your mount, you land on your feet even if you do, and you can mount/dismount a creature for only 5′ of movement. You can also put an Unwavering Mark on creatures you hit until the end of your next turn. While they’re within 5′ of you they have disadvantage on attacks that aren’t aimed at you, and if they still try anything funny you can make a bonus action attack against them that deals extra damage next turn. You can only use said attack a number of times per long rest equal to your strength modifier, but you have no limit on marking creatures. Most of the benefits of Ancestral Guardian, without the rage.

14. Barbarian 6: Speaking of, we almost missed out on the guardian’s next feature, the Spirit Shield. While raging, you can use your reaction to block a bit of damage heading to nearby creatures using the sheer numbers of your soldiers.

15. Fighter 4: Use this ASI to round up your Constitution and Charisma for more spells, health, and another special bonus next level.

16. Paladin 6: It’s been a while, huh? Your new Aura of Protection adds your charisma modifier to any saves done within 10′ of you. Yours, your horse’s, other people’s, it’s all good. You tend to bring out the best in others.

17. Paladin 7: The auras just don’t stop with you, do they? Your Aura of Alacrity gives you and allies within five feet of you an extra 10 feet of movement speed. I’m not saying your horse is inherently better than other people’s, but yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying.

18. Paladin 8: Use your last ASI to bring your Strength up even higher. I mean look at you, you’re pretty buff.

19. Paladin 9: Ninth level paladins get third level spells, giving you Haste and Protection from Energy as oath spells. You can now have a horse moving at 420 feet per round if you really wanted to. You also finally get Elemental Weapon, for a spell that actually adds lightning damage to your sword. You could get by with radiant if you really want to, but there’s just something special about shocking people.

20. Paladin 10: Your capstone level gives you one last aura, the Aura of Courage. This prevents friendly creatures within 10′ of you from being frightened. Waver’s a big bundle of nerves, he really needed this.

Pros:

You can make your horse go more than 400′ in a turn, and you’re pretty fast yourself. On top of that, being able to cast haste on you and your horse is pretty cool, if just for the extra actions it affords you.

You also have plenty of options to make yourself the center of attention, protecting your horse and squishier teammates from physical attackers. Mix in your almost 200 HP and rages, and you’re pretty well set as a tank. That’ll be especially useful in case your wizard master needs to retreat from a fight.

You’re good at inspiring people around you without really doing much directly. Your auras power up their saves, speed, and nerves. Beyond that, you also have plenty of ways to buff them magically or with temporary HP.

Cons:

You’re not as married to your horse as other riders, but using it still makes things more complicated than they have to be. Not to mention it feeds right into your next problem.

Despite your speed, the short range of your auras means making use of your speed leaves your team without those buffs you give them. Also, being on a horse shuts everyone but the horse out of your aura of alacrity. 

You have a ton of defenses, but none of them really matter to spellcasters. You should be fine as long as you don’t run into anyone who specializes in ranged magical attacks, though.

[solastia]

Day 22

Faith, Namjoon x Reader, 8/8 Chapters, 31k words

After trying to squeeze everything for Beneath the Surface, I think I’m going to split this one into two days. So...today we will be squealing about the first four chapters. Buckle up Buttercup, this about to be a whole damn emotional rollercoaster!

I think it was this story that cemented in me just how much I love your writing style. I love going through it with a story, but please give me a happy ending. I get too emotionally involved and invested in these characters and having a sad or open ended final chapter is too much for me! Give me the warm and fuzzy feels in the end! You really like to give us satisfying stories and happy endings. I was once deeply invested in a Harry Potter fanfic and it ended up having a tragic ending and I swear to Bob, it scarred me! We have enough sadness irl, give me the fairytale!!!

So, in this story, our MC falls in love with Namjoon, who is an underground rapper. You see how you ground the story for the fans? This could have really happened, or maybe it did...wait. Thinking about it now, we’ve all heard the theories that Joon is secretly married with kids. GURL, DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING WE DON'T??? Ok, ok, ok, moving on.

“You weren’t going to leave before your brother even got to the stage.

You MIGHT get kicked out before then though, you thought to yourself, glaring as another random hand smacked your ass as they walked past you.”

AGAIN, you always make your female MCs feisty and I am here for it!!! I know these are reader inserts, but I rarely ever see myself in them, if that makes sense? I still form a mental image of these main characters and I love how you are able to flesh them out so well without giving in depth descriptions (which is not ideal for reader insert fics, you know?) And I love that they stand up for themselves, no doormats here!

“You look up to find an incredibly handsome, and very tall, guy looking down at you, dimples on full display. He was dressed in all black. From the black skinny jeans that encased his long legs, to his black snapback on top of his bleached blonde hair.”

LAAAAWWWDD!!! I have a very clear memory of the rap line doing Cypher Part 1. Hobi looking like he was prepping for Mic Drop with his fit, Yoongi was blond, snapback, ripped jeans, bomber jacket, and his Straigh Outta Daegu attitude. And Joon...he had that undercut, kinda silvery blond hair, a simple beige t shirt, and black shorts. THAT’S THE JOONIE I PICTURE IN THIS FIC!!

“And your rap name is?”...

“It’s Rap monster.”

“Huh. Well, it’s not the WORST I’ve heard. Remember Llama guy? His name was MC McGriddle. I finally convinced him that it would be in his best interests to change his name. He finally did. Now he’s Hilbo Haggins. I don’t think he understands the concept of copyrights.” You smiled over at him.”

HILBO HAGGINS!! I am literally in tears. And is that Hobi??? Is it? Cuz if it is I will hereby stop calling him Hobert and refer to him only as Hilbo! Wait no...Hilbo reminds me of Himbo. Who is the biggest Himbo rapper I know, hmmmm…..OFC, MATTHEW! The big tiddy man himself. Ok, new theory. Hilbo is BM from Kard, and no, you cannot convince me it is not Matthew!

The first time between Joon and our girl is so damn hot and tender at the same time. Joonie is, of course, the perfect gentleman, invested in our girl’s pleasure just as much as his. And then…

“I can hear you overthinking.” He chuckles into your hair. He leans back and tilts your chin up, forcing you to meet his eyes.

“So what’s it going to be? Am I staying the night or do you want me to leave?”

You look at him shyly, and bury your face into his chest, mumbling, “Stay…please.”

“Good, because we obviously really like each other, and I wasn’t ready to leave. Give me twenty minutes to rehydrate and we’re going for round two.”

“I’ll never survive!” You squeak out, as he laughs and picks you up, carrying you to the kitchen.

AAHHHH!!!

“You watch the rise and fall of his chest, letting your mind ponder the situation you’ve found yourself in as you drift off to sleep. The only conclusion your exhausted mind can reach is faith. It’s time to let yourself believe in someone. You’re probably an idiot for it, but you’re going to put your faith in this man named Namjoon.”

This is incredibly romantic and scary at the same time. Putting your faith in someone, being vulnerable with someone, is so damn scary! It is a huge leap of faith. I can feel the angst coming!!!

The little snippets of them together in chapter 2 are so damn cute! I am on the verge of tears! When Joon calls himself a dad because she got a puppy, saying he wouldn't let her be a single parent, omg that was so cute!!! UUggh so fluffy.

And then...

WAIT

WAAAAIIITTTT

I just got it. The foreshadowing. Excuse me, I need to go cry in the corner for a bit, be back in three business days. This is like the tenth time I’ve read this story and I was today years old when I realized. It hurts, thanks! *finger guns*

Anyways, more cuteness please!! The peanut butter in the fridge, his apology, Joon befriending her brother, so freaking domestic. I cannot!!! And then, the emotional whiplash:

“You watch him over dinner, excitedly talking about his plans for the future (with a full mouth), and you slowly start to realize…you could never tell him. This was his chance. With his level of talent, you were sure he would be at the top in no time. You were going to have to set him free, so he could achieve his dreams, without worrying about you or what was soon to come.”

NO GURL NO!!! DON’T DO IT! TELL HIM OR I WILL. TELL HIMMMM!!!!

“Namjoon pulls off your shirt and expertly unhooks your bra (Heh)”

We, as a fandom, have decided to erase all memory of that particular song! Because we have deleted all information stored in our collective memory about that song, I do not understand this reference. Thanks! Lmao

AND THEN YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO NAME THE BABY FAITH??? So, my feelings don’t matter to you? My personal well being is not a priority for you? Noted. Not like I can do anything about it. What am I going to do, stop reading your stories? Bwahahaha that ain’t gonna happen. I guess I’m a masochist cuz here comes chapter 3…

Their reunion was freaking amazing. I thought he'd be mad or that his anger would turn into hate, but it seems our boi is even more in love with our MC than he was before. The looks across the room, toying with her fishnets, the flirting, the back and forth, the ride to Jack-in-the-Box. Talk about foreplay!!! And then the culmination inside the Jack-in-the-Box bathroom! Woooooooo! And she still hasn’t told him about the baby?!?!?

“If the two of you had gotten into a fight, Namjoon would drag you there to sit and talk things out.”

This is so spot on, Joonie would!

“Tell me what happened. Tell me why everything changed. Tell me why you didn’t want me anymore.” Namjoon whispers, his voice laced with pain.”

NO, NOPE, NOT TODAY SATAN. I CAN’T. I’M CRYING. I’M CURRENTLY SITTING IN MY CRYING CORNER ABSOLUTELY BAWLING!!

“You lose yourself in the familiar feel of his soft, plump lips moving tenderly against yours. If there was one thing that Kim Namjoon was better at than rapping, it was kissing. He always kissed you like he was worshipping you with his lips and he could happily do it forever.”

I feel this in my bones!!! Joonie would be the type to take his time too! And with those lips! Dayum…

I think I am done for today, my heart can’t take any more!!!

Tomorrow we will finish this story!

Now that I picture Matthew as that rapper, I can’t get it out of my head! Totally canon lmao. 

[jxmieswxnter]

Hello friend! Like I said, @neptunium134 and I have loads of AU up our sleeves. What do you think of College/University AU?

University AU

Gavin - Computing Degree

took a year out to save money for university and is now final year computing; hacks for fun; perpetually tired; headaches from staring at screens too long in the dark so occasionally wears blue light glasses; crams last minute; in the theatre club, usually in a support/side kick role; shares a flat with Dan; the one make the best tea

Dan - Art History Masters

got his degree in history but found he had love for art along the way, and so has gone on to an art history masters; dark academia aesthetic but lazy - boots and thrifted trousers and his shirt never matches his tie but he’s got the colour scheme down; runs on caffeine; will rant about art history to anyone who will listen and even those that don’t; human rights activist; loves museums; shares a flat with Gavin; the one that does the dishes

Ben - Business Degree

second year business; lives on his own in a studio flat designed for students off campus; will wip your ass, no provocation needed; social butterfly; plays for the university cricket team; will wear his cricket jumpers to class because he can; basic fashion but he makes it work; most likely to get drunk and end up in someone’s bed, but he will always respect the other person and go out of his way for the other if they’re not one of his friends-with-benefits mates; confident bi; sex positive and supportive of his friends putting themselves out there

Charlie - Nursing Degree

in his second year of nursing; moved off campus and in with a friend of a friend, Kate, because her roommate ditched last minute, and they become really good friends; everyone thinks their dating and it’s agitating because he can’t get a date; morning person; lets the others talk about their degrees because it makes them smile; can function on two hours of sleep with no side effects; the only one with any patience; funky sweaters; likes to hike; cabincore; owns corduroy trousers; environmental activist

Jamie - Astrophysics Degree

first year astro; still living on campus but plans to move out for second year if he can; always late to class; despite studying space, he’s still a sucker for stars; owns a telescope and binoculars; will rant about constellations; panicked bi; will drink two iced coffees and an energy drink just to make it through the day; “extra espresso no depresso;” light grunge aesthetic but lives in the same hoodie every day; bit of a himbo

How they all meet:

Gavin and Dan met briefly when Dan went to a theatre performance, but it was only a passing conversation. They met properly when the theatre production wanted some historically accurate history information, and Dan was there to help. He helped Gavin with understanding the old, old-timely language of his play, and they bonded over their love of old theatre. They moved in together at the start of Gavin’s second year, which was Dan’s third, and they’ve been living together since.

Ben’s friend Gail knew Gavin - both in theatre group - and they met at an after party. They slept together, a casual thing, but when Gavin said he wasn’t interested in anything else, Ben was cool with that, and they continued to be friends with no awkwardness.

Kate dragged Charlie out because she’s worried he doesn’t have a social like - which is true - and is introduced to microbiology student Kam. Kam dragged along Jamie because he hadn’t left the house properly in a week, and so Jamie and Charlie were introduced. Charlie was a little to happy and bright for Jamie at first, but after hanging out a few times, with Kate and Kam, they became good friends.

Charlie and Ben met at a university event, raising money for charity. Their university was partnered with another, and the cricket teams were to play off, charity bets being taken as well as donations. Charlie helped set up the event and was running around like mad on the day. They ran into each other, literally, and Charlie kept seeing him throughout the day, so made an effort to speak to him and get him into the university newsletter.

They all met at another fundraiser event. It was a weekend long thing, and all a lot of fun. Charlie, again, helped organise it. Dan helped as this was more along the human rights thing - not to say he doesn’t care about environmental issues, or anything else, but he’s better educated in human issues. Charlie had invited Kate and Jamie and Kam - he encouraged everyone and anyone to come. Kate met up with an old friend, and Kam spent time with her girlfriend, so Jamie naturally gravitated more to Charlie. Charlie introduced Ben and Jamie, and then Ben introduced Gavin and Dan to them as well. The five of them all got along really well that day, and even helped to tidy up at the end. They also saw each other around campus enough that relationships were never strained, and they kept meeting up as a group to hang out, and things went from there.

Their relationship:

They spend a lot of time at Dan and Gavin’s because it’s the biggest flat and also because of it’s location - it isn’t too far from the university so Jamie can walk but it’s far enough that the area isn’t swamped with students, and it’s also close to Charlie’s and Ben’s. They will order take-out - they eat a lot of Chinese food - and sit on the floor and play board games over dinner, even if they make a mess over the monopoly board. They go the cinema together. They’ll try to push each other out of their comfort zones.

Over winter break, they all went ice skating. Dan was surprisingly elegant. Gavin was unsurprisingly not. Charlie was quite good, but held onto the barrier for a while until Ben pried him away. Jamie had fun despite how often he felt - overconfidence and wanting to show off a little but hey, sometimes you want to impress your friends.

Charlie has a crush on Dan. It’s nothing serious, but his heart does flutter when Dan smiles. Kate gives him a good tease about it, but she thinks they’d be cute together. Dan us a cuddle kind of guy, regardless if he’s dating them, and so will happily cuddle up with Charlie - or anyone really - when they watch films. Dan does, perhaps, have a little crush on Charlie, but he doesn’t believe Charlie could ever like him back.

Gavin called Charlie every single time he’s ill, saying he’s dying, only for Charlie to come round in the evening to say he’s just got a cold.

Ben has tried to team Jamie cricket a few times. Despite his bulkier appearance, Jamie is surprisingly bad at cricket.

Dan makes the best homemade cookies, and will always make a batch whenever it’s someone’s birthday.

@midsomer4life @neptunium134 so how’s this one? honestly i may have gone a little overboard??

[thebachelordiaries]

Clare seeks HIMBO: ‘The Bachelorette’ cast first impressions

The Covid-19 pandemic has been rough for the entire world, but Bachelor Nation faced some dark days too. Going eight months without a single new episode from The Bachelor franchise is something I would really like to not relive.

Fortunately, those dark days are over. Clare’s season has me sucked back in. 

The quality of this image is atrocious.

Most of these men—presuming they followed CDC’s social distancing guidelines— haven’t seen a woman in months, are touch deprived, possibly unemployed and contemplating moving back to their hometown while stalking the housing market on Zillow. Everyone’s desperate. That makes for some pretty good TV.

This season features men ranging from ages 26 to 41. We’ve got a boy band manager, a grooming specialist, several men who look like they masturbate in front of full length mirrors and even more who probably want me to join their MLM pyramid scheme. 

I’ve never been more ready to roast a bunch of men who have nightmares about going bald. It’s all I’ve wanted to do since March.

Let’s go:

AJ, 28, Software sales

AJ is the kind of guy who writes “Looking for the Pam to my Jim <3″ on his Bumble profile. His bio is generic and probably not reflective of who he is as a person. If I were Clare I’d swipe left.

Ben, 29, Army ranger veteran

“Ben's favorite indulgence is an ice bath.“ Well then.

Alexa, play “Run” by AWOLNATION.

Bennett, 36, Wealth management consultant

Bennett’s profile is the biggest red flag I’ve ever seen. This man says he is the total package but hasn’t always been "this successful and good looking.” But wait, there’s more: “According to Bennett, his high school girlfriend is the only girl he's ever had to work for.“

Can someone tell me what NYC neighborhood he lives in so I can blacklist it?

Blake M1, 31, Male grooming specialist

Blake’s just another stereotypical “29th round draft pick who sat on the bench of the practice team before getting cut, but claims he left the sport due to an injury on his own accord.” 

Blake M2, 29, Wildlife manager

This Blake is an outdoorsy Canadian who seems pretty genuine and cool. Unfortunately, he has the face of someone who’d get sent home on night one. I hope I’m wrong.

Brandon, 28, Real Estate Agent

Just another boring hot person. Nothing to see here.

Brendan, 30, Commercial roofer

Brandan, not to be confused for Brandon, “loves some good true crime, working out and hanging out with his friends.” I can’t even make fun of this man. We have the exact same interests. 

Chasen, 31, IT account executive

The Winklevoss twins are actually triplets and Chasen is their long lost brother. But more seriously, have you ever seen someone who looks more like their name than this man?

Chris, 27, Landscape design salesman

“Chris hopes to find a woman who is sharp and witty but also easygoing.” Chris, sweetheart, have you met Clare? Easygoing...? There’s still time back out of this before it’s too late.

Dale, 31, Former pro football wide receiver

Dale aggressively screams “Bachelor material.” I’d say he’s auditioning for that role but Matt James already scooped it up. Better luck next year, Daley.

Demar, 26, Spin cycling instructor

Demar is a “very popular spin instructor in Scottsdale and says he can get on that bike and spin to any beat thrown his way.” Imagine how many trophy wives Demar has f*cked? 

Eazy, 29, Sports marketing agent

Eazy is very similar to Dale on paper. Except his name is Eazy so he automatically loses that battle.

Ed, 33, Health care salesman

“Ed is looking to find a woman who has natural beauty without looking overly fake.” Ed deserves to die alone.

Garin, 34, Professor of Journalism

Garin’s bio is giving me hubby material vibes. And maybe a little bit of a “gets eliminated on night one” vibe too.

Ivan, 28, Aeronautical Engineer

Ivan, what are you doing here? We’re in a recession. Please go back to your normal job before it’s too late. 

Jason, 31, Former pro football linemen

“He is a former NFL offensive lineman who, after suffering too many concussions on the field, decided to prioritize his health and change the direction of his life.” A big, brawny HIMBO with CTE? I feel like he’s Clare’s type.

Jay, 29, Fitness director

There are too many things about Jay that I dislike and I’m trying to keep this brief. Jay says “it's time to take a break from worrying about others and focus on himself instead.” I am willing to bet money that this man has never made a woman c*m.

Jeremy, 40, Banker

Jeremy is the oldest contestant ever to come on "The Bachelorette,” which may seem like a monuments accomplishment but he’s literally only one year older than Clare. 

He also “hates Instagram models, both male and female,” so he should have a lot of fun here.

Joe, 36, Anesthesiologist

Before I even saw his profession and location, I thought Joe looked like a doctor I’d find on a NYC dating app...and...uh...I probably did see him on there now that I think about it.

Anyway, this man has apparently been through seven stages of hell while on the front lines fighting Covid-19 in NYC so I definitely think he deserves to find love. Someone marry him please.

Jordan C, 26, Software account executive

I can already tell Jordan is going to get the “I’m young but mature” edit which means he’s probably not going to be good TV.

Too bad someone a tad younger (like Tayshia) wasn’t the Bachelorette. I feel like they’d make a cute couple.

Jordan M., 30, Cyber security engineer

I was going to say something mean but Jordan’s into cyber security and I don’t want my blog to be deactivated, so never mind. Cast photos are historically bad so I’m sure he looks much better in real life.

Kenny, 39, Boy band manager

I could go for the obvious drags regarding this man’s profession (or his sh*tty chest tattoo, or his suspiciously boyish face relative to his age), but I like to think I’m more clever than that. 

I’d like to take this time to talk about men, who are obviously difficult people, who rant and rave about how they want an “easygoing” woman. Look into the mirror, bud. No, not the one you use to jerk off to your reflection; the mirror that looks into your soul. Out of respect for the rest of humankind, have some self-awareness. Or maybe just see a therapist.

Mike, 38, Digital media advisor

Mike is seemingly a decent catch, but I can’t help but wonder why he’s still single or how he never (accidentally or on purpose) impregnated a woman in his 38 years of life. 

And now that I’m thinking about it, do any of these men have children? I have yet to see any mention of it in their bios. But there are eight men left to review, so there’s still time.

Page, 37, Chef

I spoke too soon. Page is a father! He also hates football! I’m a fan of this man. I was initially going to drag him for his name and say that Page is not a real name. PAIGE is a real name. PAGE is a piece of paper. I’m allowed to say this because we have the same name except mine is spelled the correct way. Based on my (mostly positive) review of his cast bio, I have decided not to hold his name against him.

Riley, 30, Long Island City

Riley, once married with children, would like to go on a family vacation that consists of touring every single MLB stadium in the country. If i were his wife, I would simply never give this man children.

Robby, 30, Insurance broker

No more Robbys on The Bachelorette. Society has evolved past its need for more Robbys.

This Robby described his dream woman as: “Incredibly athletic and able to throw back a few beers with him after a day of hiking. She has a sweet personality and won't mind that he spends his Sundays on the golf course.”

Someone please give this man a sex doll. He just wants a hole.

Tyler C., 27, Lawyer

“Tyler C. is a badass lawyer who says he is a businessman by day and a cowboy by night.” How does that make him a lawyer? Does this mean he’s into cosplay? I’m confused.

Tyler S., 36, Music manager

Tyler makes an honorable living off riding his brother’s dick success as a country singer. “He just LOVES his job!” Uh yeah, I would too if I had a low-show, high-paying job off the merits of nepotism. It’s the American dream.

Yosef, 30, Medical device salesman

Another dad! He’s totally going to pull the “girl dad” narrative. That saying is kind of sexist to me but the masses generally eat it up, so I’m fairly confident Yosef will get the "sweet guy” edit he’s looking for.

Zac C., 36, Addiction specialist

“He loves Philadelphia sports and dreams of sharing a Philly Cheesesteak with his future wife while watching the Eagles win a Super Bowl.” This man is so South Jersey it hurts. 

On a more serious note, I don’t think anyone in recent history has spoken openly about their personal struggle with addiction on this show, so I hope Zac gets a chance to tell his story. 

Zach J., 37, Cleaning service owner

Zach is seemingly obsessed with Clare already and hopes to introduce her to his mom as his fiancée. Since Zach watched Clare on Juan Pablo’s season, you’d think he’d know that Clare would first meet his mom during the final four hometown dates. Assuming he makes it that far. My prediction is that he won’t.

Final thoughts

After eight long months Bachelor Mondays are back!!!

Uhh....wait.

Actually, we now have the less-exciting Bachelor Tuesdays. Yeah, it definitely doesn’t have the same ring to it. But I’ll take anything at this point.

Here are my final predictions:

First impression rose: Dale. It just looks like he can turn on the bullsh*t charm

Final rose: Jason. Clare wants a HIMBO I just know it.

Bachelor: nobody (Matt James is The Bachelor)

Most likely to get engaged on Bachelor in Paradise: Blake M2

Most likely to get canceled online: Bennett

Most likely to get sent home night one but deserve better: Chris

Who are your favorite men cast on this season?

[bigskydreaming]

So I’m writing a short story in my Changelings ‘verse for a galaxy brain commission that was simply “Boyd gets a boyfriend.” Nothing wrong there. But it does mean I feel like I finally gotta nail down the full intricacies of Boyd’s magic, which is unnecessarily....extra, due to the existence of the Curse of the Specialist Snowflake that afflicts me. 

Like, I couldn’t just give him one physical change and one magic like most other Changelings, nooooooo, he’s gotta be the Zodiac Kid and have twelve completely different changes and magics, one for each sign and he changes throughout the year in accordance to the changing of the signs. Why’d I do it that way? Cuz I gotta, obviously. Hahahaha, shut up, me.

I mean, there was a point to it originally, like, his sister Alicia’s Change and magic is that she’s surrounded by ghostly versions of a bunch of her alternate universe selves at any given moment, and she can communicate with them and call upon their skills and is sometimes called Sibyl around town, so like, the common thread/theme of her and Boyd’s magic is like, an infinity of self, but also, by “there was a point to it originally” I also just mean I couldn’t settle on and pick what I wanted Boyd’s magic to be so I was like here’s a fun thing I could do, make up a reason for him to have even MORE options.

.....I feel like, potentially, this self-created problem I’m having could have been avoided somehow, but gosh, fuck if I can see how.

So most of Boyd’s magic is hammered down....

In his Sagittarius phase, he’s physically a centaur whose lower half looks like a night sky studded through with starfields and moving constellations, and his magic from November 23rd to December 21st is uncanny intuition, a kind of off-the-top-of-his-head divination. He just instinctively knows the answers to questions when he’s in his Sagittarius phase, the more specific the question the more accurate his answer. He doesn’t have context, he doesn’t KNOW how he knows the things that he knows, he just knows them. 

You ask him if you’ll meet someone who could very plausibly be the love of your life within the next week, and if he says yes, its absolutely, one hundred percent true and accurate.....but if you ask him then how can I find them, he might say well first thing you gotta do is get out of my face and stop bugging me, and then walk down the street and turn left.....and that too, would be absolutely true and accurately point you in the direction that answers your question but like, that’s all he’s got and you’re missing a few steps at that point. So. Its not an exact science or anything. 

There’s definitely tricks to maximizing the intel you get out of him when he feels like being hit up for intel and doesn’t just string you along to be a total troll. Which he is. Hence why he also spends most of December filling in all of Alicia’s large stockpile of crosswords and sudokus, as he just instinctively and whimsically knows what to fill in even if he doesn’t actually have a clue WHY the Mesozoic Era is the answer to 49 Down. Alicia maintains this is cheating. He maintains he doesn’t care, and answers 64 across with “Johannesburg.” Fuck if he knows why.

In his Capricorn phase, he sublets his apartment in Bordertown and takes a month lease on a place underwater in Sub Francisco.....as for this period he’s more of a classical merman, but also if a classical merman has goat horns. But like, whose to say they don’t? Have you ever met one? Thought so. His magic during this period is horns of plenty.....he touches something to one of his horns, and comes away holding two of that item. So it basically only works on things that can be hand-held, but other than that it could be food, physical items, medicine, etc.

In his Aquarius phase, he’s physically the same as he was when a normal mainstream human....except that his skin has a faintly translucent quality as if that of water, with faint stars spiraling in distant patterns in the depths of his slightly watery form. He’s not invisible or actually translucent, like you can’t see through him or even see his organs or anything....rather, its more like most of the time he just looks like normal, human Boyd, albeit wearing a lot of glitter for some reason....but then he turns and catches the light just so, and for a moment you can see how the light is shining THROUGH him similar to the way it shines through the surface of a body of water. His magic in this phase is based on Ganymede, the cup-bearer of the gods.....water he touches becomes imbued with healing properties. 

Like, he unscrews an ordinary bottle of Evian and reaches in with the tip of his finger, and whammo, you’ve got a healing potion whose magic will last until the last of the water is gone, even if its not used until after his Aquarius phase. Once he’s imbued a source of water with his magic, its a healing potion from then on out, which makes his shop a useful place to find healing magic year-round.....or at least until he runs out. You come into his shop even in late July, if he’s still got some healing potions lying around they’re as good as ever....but if he’s already out of stock, you’re out of luck until next year’s Aquarius phase rolls around, and you gotta go look elsewhere on Mercy Row for a healer in the meanwhile.

In his Pisces phase, he goes back to his Sub Francisco apartment as his physical Change here is that of a centaur-triton....kinda the classic ithyocentaur, but also he’s got kinda webbed-like wings spanning from his back.....its a whole thing. But a good look. His magic in this phase is ‘the perfect pair’....he cups his hands and forms a magical, elemental construct in the shape of a koi fish that’ll swim off in the direction of the perfect complement to something or someone. Like a personal, magical compass guiding him or whomever he makes one for to like, the magnetic north that exists somewhere as the perfect counterpart to an already present south pole. Whatever, this makes no sense and is super confusing, I get that. But it makes perfect sense and is not confusing in my head. Still just working on translating from point Head to point Paper without the concept getting lost in the translation.

In his Aries phase, he’s his ‘normal’ mainstream-appearing base form....but also he’s got golden wings and ram horns. And his magic is that he breathes fire. But its magic fire, and it doesn’t burn things it touches, it turns them to gold. Its a whole Golden Fleece thing mixed with a King Midas thing.

In his Taurus phase.....idk yet. I mean, bull horns seems a pretty obvious go-to motif, but haven’t decided for his magic yet. Mostly because @sunwukxng is a Taurus and he takes things like this juuuuuuuust personal enough that I know if I don’t come up with something good here he’ll decide its a mortal insult towards all Tauri and thus him as well, and he’ll declare a blood feud against me that shall last five hundred years. And he’s already got like, six of those in progress, so....trying to avoid racking up anymore.

In his Gemini phase, he splits into two selves, his physical self and astral self, so he’s basically followed everywhere by both his shadow and a spirit version of himself he can astral project elsewhere. And when his astral self goes through something, kinda like how there’s that idea that when a ghost passes through someone they feel a chill or as if they almost left their body for a second.....his astral self can kinda like....yoink other peoples’ astral selves out of their physical forms temporarily. Yoink is of course the highly technical, scientific term for the phenomenon. Obviously.

In his Cancer phase.....idk yet. Look, its hard to be classy and deep concept-y about crabs, okay? I’m sorry Cancers, but even in the original myths about the constellation the gods were like yeah, this crab constellation was a mistake, we just felt bad about Artemis kicking that one all the way up into the heavens after it pinched Orion, the only himbo she ever almost made a boytoy out of. A lot of other Zodiacs featured animals that had the common perception of being viewed as pushing the sun across the sky, so there’s maybe something there in that direction....idk yet.

In his Leo phase, Boyd mostly appears as his ‘normal’ base mainstream-human looking self....except he’s big in a way that is not exactly Giant Big (and there are a good couple dozen giant-sized Changelings living in Bordertown, so like, he isn’t officially anywhere near that) but he is possessed of a height and size that are nevertheless best described as Ridiculous. Like he’s bigger than the Strange Angel, but not as big as Teddy the Sun-snake. That means nothing to anyone but me. Whatever. Moving on. Anyway, in his Leo phase he also has a fiery red mane kinda....that’s threaded through with silver stars in the Leo constellation shape. His magic in this phase is his ‘roar of command’....basically, he can imbue anything he says with the force of his will, and thus like.....make inanimate objects do what he tells them. He’s like “Open sesame” and a locked door is like you got it, boss.

In his Virgo phase.....I am not entirely sure what he looks like yet. I’m pretty sure its mostly his mainstream-looking ‘base self’ but like.....with an unnatural charisma, but also something a little less generic than that. Needs a specific hook still, beyond just “I’m ridick pretty.” Like, he’s Sinqua Walls. He’s always ridick pretty. Its a thing. But his magic in this phase is like.....an aura of inspiration. He just sorta puts out a vibe that inspires people around him in various ways that are unique to the individual. 

He’s also way shorter than he used to be even before his Change hit, or like, shorter than he is in any of his other phases. Like, we’re talking five and a half feet max. Is there any reason for this whatsoever beyond me being amused at the juxtaposition of him going from his Biggest and Most Ridiculous Phase immediately to his Smallest and Most Ridiculous Phase? No. No there is not. Fear the deep profundity of my creative process, for it is deep and it tis profound.

In his Libra phase....I’m not sure yet what his physical change is, but I do know his skin has a scaled texture, and I know those aren’t the scales normally associated with Libra but there’s a point to it, its just......missing some ingredients still to totally make sense. But he also tends to wear a blindfold a lot of the time during his Libra phase because I know his magic here has to do with viewing things in terms of overlapping possibilities and potentialities, like, he looks at things and sees not just the way they ARE but also a whole bunch of different ways they COULD be, and his magic enables him to kinda tweak things from the way they are more towards one of those other possibilities, in a sense that’s all about ‘balancing’ things.

However, the sensory stimuli of all those potentialities 24/7 is honestly overwhelming and gives him serious migraines, so he mostly tries to rest his eyes behind some kind of blindfold most of the time and just take it off to focus on specific things in order to utilize his magic, and only a little at a time. This is probably the most technically ‘powerful’ of his magics in terms of both versatility and scope, but it takes a toll and he really tries to pace himself during his Libra phase or it just gets to be too much, really fast.

And then lastly, in his Scorpio phase, he’s got a whole scorpion tail and barbed stingers along the outsides of his arms.....but rather than lean into the whole ‘eww Scorpios are duplicitous and manipulative’ and also ‘eww scorpions,’ his magic here calls back to how scorpions are actually protective guardians in a lot of mythologies and folklore, and there’s also plenty of Zodiac lore about the idea of the Scorpio sign being all about uncovering truths at any cost, etc. So his magic here is another ‘liquid/mutable’ type and takes the form of venom from his stingers that’s almost like drops of amber.....and that have various properties aimed at uncovering truths and exposing lies and falsehoods. Like, elixirs made during his Scorpio phase are another highly sought ware at his shop, because depending on the venom concentration he places in each, they have different properties. Like, he’s got vials where just a drop placed in your drink or on your food will reveal if its been drugged or poisoned, or vials of elixirs that basically act as magical truth serum.....and then other vials where like, you splash a little of it on something you suspect to be an illusion or a magical disguise of some kind, and it’ll dispel the false magic and reveal what’s truly there. 

“What happens if like, I splash it in the face of someone I think is wearing an illusion disguise and it turns out they’re not and that’s really just what they look like?” A customer asks.

Boyd shrugs. “Then they’ll just be wet. And probably a little pissed, I imagine. That’ll be $49.95 please.”

“I thought you said it was $29.95!”

“That was before the Asked Stupid Questions tax was applied,” Boyd smiles placidly. “Will that be cash or credit?”

 Okay. So. Typing that all out cleared up some of that for me but not quite as much as I was hoping as Cancer and Taurus apparently still persist in Vexing me.

Hmmmm.