#better very late than never right ?
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weird question, but in your rewrite do you keep tree’s mediator role, or do you think he’d be better suited as an educator? do you keep the mediator role at all/is the mediator skyclan exclusive?
I'm honestly considering if it's even a good idea at all.
For the record, I have totally completed designs and art for BB!Leafstar and BB!Waspstar, it's just a matter of opportunity for when I work on their profiles. With those two, I'm going to be gathering most of the big changes done to BB!SkyClan in one place; Firestar and Brokenstar rebuilding it, the Ancestor Rats, Leafstar's death by poison, Waspstar's ascent and xeir hitman Harrybrook, etc.
I'm making a lot of changes to it already, turning it into a really distinct culture and injecting everyone in it with delicious creamy character filling. It's waaaay more fun to write dialogue from actual SkyClan political entities. Unlike the Erins, I LOVE tense dialogue filled with double meanings, and the active threat of a heated argument escalating into violence.
So... is Tree's "special role" really worth salvaging?
A drama series with a character dedicated to preventing drama from happening...?
I'm sort of thinking of drastically reworking it to instead be a role about therapy. A sort of guru type character who's just really good at giving advice. Part of me wants to go even further and gut Tree, significantly scale back his resentment towards The Sisters and make him more of a "I don't agree with them on everything but that's the way they shuck their corn, the Clans aren't perfect either" type of guy.
In any case, Tree himself is totally safe. He's part of a polycule with Violetshine and Dragonfly. He's definitely not an Educator though; for some reason, my heart is just telling me he's not.
#REALLY extreme change but lately Ive been casually entertaining the idea of going buckwild and putting Twig in Sky#And Alder also. Alder going to Sky and taking his silly daughter with him#Because the family drama feels Juicy#In BB Alder is a Jessy kitten and was raised by her in twolegplace#Something feels VERY interesting about him joining TC and realizing Actually Mom Was Right This Sucks#And Bramble putting it in Spark's head that he's the only family she has who will never leave her#when really it's him who has been driving ppl away#Im also feeling like BB!Violet is gonna be a lot closer to her foster sibs than she was in canon. Puddle in particular#To the point where she still feels like Slate and Puddle are her brothers-- even if Spike and Pine didn't feel like parents#I wanna reread avos before committing tho#Better bones au
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4 Years Improvement from Nov. 26th 2020 to Sept. 5th 2024!
Is this Considered Henry Stickmin Collection Anniversary Art? The original art work took me 8 hours and this time around this took me 12 hours! I blame the extra add characters haha! This was a lot of fun to see the changes between the characters designs and interpretations I had then and now! The adjustments of composition from now to then and the shading style definitely a big one! Work hard on this one and I feel my love for it shows! I hope you enjoy!<3
The Original November 26th 2020 Poster Art
#the henry stickmin collection#henry stickmin collection#henry stickmin fanart#thsc fanart#thsc#henry stickmin#charles calvin#ellie rose#right hand man#reginald copperbottom#rupert price#general galeforce#dmitri johannes petrov#corporate bill bullet#The answer to the question: Yes this technically is#very late anniversary art#Eh… better late than never
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from jean’s instagram (2024.10.12)
#aot instagram drama is back yall#we pick it up right where we left off last year with erwin announcing his underwear collection in eldian weekly#i’m currently working on another drawing of jean modeling underwear lol#i know someone requested to see more of him wearing very little and i hear you and read you lol loud and clear#even if it was one year later better late than never#also zeke is this close to getting blocked#aot instagram drama#aot instagram#jean attack on titan#aot jean#snk jean#jean fanart#jean kirstein#attack on titan jean#aot au#aot fanart#aot memes#shingeki no kyojin#snk fanart#jean kirschstein#jean kirschtein fanart
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Lol
#theres nothing quite like your mother saying Well maybe you shouldve been more careful because now your boss might think youve been flirting#with this male coworker (whom i like splendidly as a friend) and now maybe she thinks youre not trustworthy#and maybe she regrets hiring you because you said you feel like youre making a lot of mistakes this week and she might assume thats because#your head is filled with this boy.#so dont make her regret hiring you.#MA'AM I TOLD YOU I WAS ALREADY ANXIOUS BECAUSE I MADE SO MANY MISTAKES TODAY WHY ARE YOU MAKING ME ASHAMED#OF SOMETHING THAT I HONESTLY HAD NO CLUE I OUGHT TO BE ANXIOUS ABOUT AT MY FIRST NEW JOB AFTER IVE GRADUATED????#anyway going to bed i cant take this anymore LOL she said it so lightly and im like. well i never even considered#being afraid of making my boss regret hiring me somehow because of some kind of behaviour that i had no idea was sending some kind of signal#anywaysssss 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#and then she was like why are you crying?? 💀💀💀💀💀💀💀💀#not to be like this is partly why i didnt want to move home but confound it all why are things like this#can i not simply confide in my mother my anxieties and worriws#worries#and not also have to worry about her potentially being like Well have you considered you ARE right and it IS your fault?#idk man something something firstborn child eldest daughter can i have some room to breathe. please#also not to whine but Not my father walking in on me eating dinner at 10pm because i was holed up#in my room in a semi depressive state after so many gong shows in a work day and straight up having no appetite#but deciding my body needs the food anyway its better late than never.....walking in and then saying#you know if you eat this late you'll gain weight. SIR??????????????????#sorry to complain and rant again i simply cannot in this house and whats more am doing my best to honour my parents#but why is it so hard out here and how can they say stuff like that with a smile!!!!!!!#also i DO have an inner critic who is always like Its your fault you are the worst you should be ashamed always........why do my parents#not understand after knowing me for so long and watching me grow up#that i can make myself so ashamed of the smallest thing so easily and that what they say drives me to shame almost as easily?#ANYWAY LOL WHAT A DAY#you guys!!! i am working so hard i promise i PROMISE I am!!! it is my first full time job ever and i am working so so hard#i am doing my absolute best and no one sees it and that is FINE i just wish my parents would see that i AM trying!!#i come back home so dead every single day because i put in 120%! this is literally my first job after graduation#and my parents KNOW this has been the most exhausting taxing and soul crushing year ive had in my very short life so far
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i think growing up is just life repeatedly sucker punching you and saying bitch you thought things were gonna better lmao no you're so naive and stupid for having hope in 20 years the world will be flaming bag of garbage and no matter how hard you work you'll get eliminated at some point
#and then you just have to get up and keep living anyway because what else is there to do?#but man my heart keeps feeling heavier with every blow#2024 has literally been the worst year ever god personally too#like everytime i think it can't possibly get worse than this it does#i remember literally 9th jan i had such a horrible breakdown in an auto because the first friend i ever made#after school was leaving my work and therefore my life#9 days into the year. seriously. and i was so happy on 8th because it was my birthday#i don't know im trying hard to think okay this doesn't even affect me it's fine im privileged enough that even my own countrys politics#barely affects me#but just. india is already so behind in everything. if developed nations are doing shit like this then well#it will never get better right like who do we even strive to be#i want to get more into indian politics but my god. it's so horrifying and depressing all the time#like i remember resolving to follow politics closely few years ago and the first news#i read was about some minister talking about how girls skirts lengths IN SCHOOL is the reason boys do sa and boys will be boys etc etc#i know i could just follow business news stuff like that god knows it'll help in my field but it just. doesn't resonate with me doesn't#make me feel anything at all. like i so desperately want to care about ooh stock markets and how to grow your money etc etc#but when i think about being rich enough to invest idle money all i can think is sitting in my own home peacefully#drinking a glass of cold coffee and just being able to breathe freely because me and my sister used to joke in childhood#when dad went thru a coffee v bad for health phase and he wouldn't let us drink it so we would drink it very sneakily#at night when he was asleep or went out for an hour and make absolutely no noise while mixing the sugar. we said that we know#we'll* know we have achieved true freedom and happiness in life when we can peacefully drink cold coffee in the hall and not secretly#in the dead of night in our room#i don't even know what im talking about and my period is late again and nothing is working and my lazer focus#that i had built in the past few weeks is gone because suddenly im like what is the point????#i just don't understand how the fuck humans can fight over stupid fucking things like who is kissing who and who is doing what with their#body instead of focusing on collective issues like our planet is dying so fucking fast and every summer is getting impossibler to survive#i hate that the united states control the UN fuck this world fr man i hate being born in such horrible helpless times#like call me a kid or dumb or whatever but i cannot understand how MILLIONS of people do not#have sympathy for ppl around them and who don't care about the planet at all like how????? how did you grow up????#not trying to boast but this is so natural to me!!! didn't you make save water save earth posters in school!!! didn't anyone
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why does l.axus wear that big ass coat... is it so his girl can steal it and nap in it? i think so.
#ash rambles 💚#the roar of the spark ⚡️#it looks so comfy and warm..#he looks comfy..#i think a l.axus nap would fix me actually#I've been a little insecure about me and him and what we have as of late#but#i can't deny that the thought of plopping on top of him and burying my face in his pecs and just. snoozing#it sounds incredibly appealing#yawwwnnss#I'm sleepy just thinking about it#he's so handsome.. awjdjwhej i sneak in episodes of the series when i can but i haven't gotten very far#i just Um#really like him!!#i always worry that my ship doesn't right him well or accurately or that he'd never fucking say/do that#but. i like to think he has a big soft spot for his childhood friend -> lover -> enemy -> friend -> lover again#he really does admire ash methinks#... if i do say so myself hehe!#hmmm#i think i won't nap#I'm home alone today so I'm savorinf it#savoring meaning playing L.ost J.udgment all day#... though ig i do that even when I'm not home alone either- but you get my point!#there's nothing better than gaming for hours with no interruptions#kinda nuts that i already have like 10 hours on LJ.. i just started#oh this post was about L.axus#sorry#y.akuza brainrot and all#tldr: L.AXUS GIVE ME YOUR DAMN COAT PLEASE-
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Dean can’t remember when the dreams started, really. He thinks he’s been having them for a long time. But ever since he got Cas back from the Empty, they’ve been more frequent. And more vivid.
Intense.
Heat. Lips. Dark hair. Dark feathers…
Dean runs a hand over his face as his heartrate slows, expecting the dream to bleed and fade away. But if he closes his eyes, he can still almost feel the solid muscle and silky feathers of two huge wings beneath him.
‘I love you’, Cas said before he died again.
‘I love you too,’ Dean said when he brought him back. ‘You self-sacrificing sonofabitch.’
It’s the soundtrack to his dreams now: IloveyouIloveyou.
He knows they need to talk about it. He does.
He’s getting kinda sick of starting the day with a cold shower.
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8
#137 words it was so hard to make it so small!#dreamydrabble#destiel#destiel drabble#deancas#dreamydrabbles#dreamydrabble day 1#pie's projects#I'm a week late but better late than never right? right???#destiel fanfiction#also I'm still very new to writing these characters and nervous about it so please be kind asdsfghjkl#I've always wanted to write a wingfic so these drabbles are all going to be linked by a wing theme ehehehe
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ShinRan Week 2023: Day 5 | "I wish I could tell you that I love you"
I wish that I could tell you I wish that I could run into your arms
[Song link] [YouTube link]
#detective conan#case closed#shinichi kudo#ran mori#conan edogawa#shinran#shinranweek2023#amv#my amvs#video#eye strain#funimation english dub script#song is 'i wish that i could tell you' by gabrielle grace#i know i way missed the grace period but i've been working very hard on this for the past couple of weeks and better late than never right?#i was way way ambitious and probably should have just edited with the chorus to get it done in time... but the beginning felt fitting!#i really hope folks like this one 🙏#sources used are episodes 1 2 22 49 85 128 174 190-193 263 288 522-524 854 928 and 994#movies 3 4 7 13 (for the star background only) and 15#ova 9 and ops 16 24 25 and 46 and eds 9 49 and 59#and tv special 6 (episode one: the great detective turned small)#voice clip sources are (in order) ep 10 ep 101 ep 2 movie 3 ep 42 ep 39 movie 4 and ep 3
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Someone order old art ? I made these in May 2022 to include in my SWA zine application but never actually posted them. ( that is to say i tried, panicked and then deleted it... )
If anyone wants to give this a more detailed ID than what I put in the alt text, absolutely knock yourself out !
#sonic the hedgehog#miles tails prower#thought i'd post this since i posted my zine pieces#better very late than never right ?#i remember struggling a long time with the colors on sonic's outfit#but overall i feel it turned out pretty good !#a lot of the colors are picked from a Sonic Jam illustration#the linework was made on paper btw is you're wondering why it's so crisp#i used to do this a lot but then i got fed up with printer-scanners#i hate printers#teka art#teka backlog
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Rook x Vil
Rook x Vil relationship headcanons
Waah ok, so this is my absolute favorite ship from TWST but it's a bit tricky bc they pretty much already act like a married couple xD (to me). I think they would be the kind of friends that people would be like "so when did you two start going out?" and they'd be like "we're not dating?" lol.
aNWAY, I think Rook would have 100% fallen for Vil at first sight, but he wouldn't even be aware of it! I know it sounds unlike Rook since he's such a romantic and he's in touch with his feelings and all that, but I mean, he's a little bit in love with everyone and everything in life, so he would just pass it off as one of his admirations of beauty.
But yeah, the idea of,,, just Savanaclaw Rook being SO infatuated with this boy orz … the fact that he was like "fuck the mirror I'll transfer to Pomefiore"and and adn he entered the science club to get better at potionology and thus be a better companion for Vil!!! I seriously can't. Bro atp I'm not even saying headcanons, it's just canon bye.
So when becoming second years, he's changed dorms and he just kind of leaves himself up to Vil? The (soon to be?) dorm leader being like "to be here you have to dress and groom yourself accordingly" and Rook is like "okay, whatever you say <3" and he probably cut his hair himself and all but idc I like to imagine that Vil did it and he taught him to use makeup and !!! just like the physical intimacy and Rook being vulnerable when he always puts up a front with everyone else aaa 😭 i'm deceased.
And Vil too!!! He always strives for perfection, never allowing himself to be less -must be quite tiring! So Rook being the only one in front of whom he can actually relax 🥺 At first he would hate it, I think it would go like, Rook saying something silly (in the sense of… something so Rook-like, you know? praising something really mundane for its beauty lol) and Vil would laugh. Maybe even snort. It would be so natural and he woulnd't even notice it, but when Rook stops talking (when does he ever?) he turns to face him and sees the hunter staring back at him. That's when he realizes his mistake, he let his guard fall! He probably blushes and covers his face with his hand (what if there are some wrinkles from such an unsightly laugh?), but Rook would catch his hand telling him not to hide!!! That's the most beautiful he's ever been ><
It would take a time for Vil to trust Rook this way, but when getting used to it I think it would be so cute… He probably still catches Rook gazing at him so lovingly in such moments, which makes him bashful, but he can't say he hates it anymore. After all, he embraces the adoration the other has for him, even if incomprehensible to him in such moments.
Overall, I think this relationship would stand on a base of mutual trust, even unspoken a lot of times. They just connect that way, communicating with their eyes, not needing words (although Rook will definitely say them anyway lol). As for Vil… he's a bit of a tsundere, let's be honest. He knows Rook understands him without having to tell him, but still, he realizes that it's somehow unfair on his side so he will now and then say some sweet words that his vice will treasure forever in his heart.
With all that said, how would they enter an actual romantic relationship? Well, I think after some time Rook would eventually notice that his feelings are different form his general admiration of the beauty all around him. As for Vil, it would take a bit more time for him… first to realize and then to accept them.
About the confession… Rook confesses his undying love for Vil everyday. Probably after taking notice of his feelings he shifts his confessions to be a bit more specific and romantic? (going from "I could admire your beauty all day" to something like "I'd like to admire your beauty as you wake up in the morning", implying that he would like to spend his life with Vil). At some point, Vil would start to notice the shift in Rook's compliments and I think this would probably be the trigger to him realizing his own feelings.
So, in the end, I think it would be Vil the one to properly confess! If it was for Rook, he would be happy watching Vil from afar. Of course, he would love nothing more than to be by his side forever, but he would accept whatever makes his queen happy. Vil is the one who needs a confirmation, establishing something formal (and to have Rook for himself before he ends up devoting himself for some other idol- yeah Vil is a jealous man lol).
After NRC? Well, Vil would continue with his acting career of course. I think Rook would be happy to live somewhere in the nature and not the city, but he could accomodate for Vil. Maybe they could share a weekend house in the cottage of Pyroxene. Or, reversely, they could live somewhere more secluded and have Vil travel for some days when there's a shooting. At this point they probably made their relationship public, too. I can see Rook working as different things (mostly manual or artistic labours, not something academic), but for sure he'd be an amateur bodyguard for Vil lmao. I think the general public would get the idea that Vil is already taken and not to mess with his husband <3 and so they live happily ever after.
Bonus:
#sorry for the wait!! lmao it took me 3 months tehee better late than never#as i said it's my ultimate otp so i wanted to make it right#and i had this very specific idea for the drawing and couldn't get it right bc i had been in a bit of an art block#so yeh.. i'll get to the rest as soon as i can (there's 3 more left)#tsun.fic#tsun.art#rookvil#rkvl#rook hunt#vil schoenheit#twst hc#twst bl
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Yeah, I did fill 4 sketchbooks in 4 months so far this year. Huh? Am I gonna post even an ounce of it? Well, you see, I am allergic to my phone, so you will have to come CATCH ME
#da#nooo but I am so saddd it's so much easier to show stuff off irl 😭#if it could look even halfway decent I've considered doing flip throughs of sketchbooks on video#except I draw in pencil and cameras hate that and want me to explode#idk it is truly just better to somehow gain access to my terrible trove of sketchbooks#no but man that sounds like such an ideal hang out. get all my oc lore by sitting on my floor with me as we go through the archives#gosh I should count how many I've filled up at this point#I love that the number increases exponentially as the years go on#like I think 2018 began the precedent of 4 a year minimum which was kinda wild#another ridiculous difficult project I have given a lot of thought to: combing through every sketchbook and either redrawing#or printing off important story related bits and compiling them all into a convenient binder. maybe binding them into a book.#anyway it's pretty much all a drag no matter how you slice it#come to my HOUSE and look at my CREATURES#u don't know this bc I've learned to be silly sneaky but I have stayed up wayyyy too late AGAIN#but I've scheduled this to post at a normal time so you'll never know. unless you read the tags. but that's its own punishment isn't it#hey bonus enticement to look at my boo stuff that doesn't get on the blog. there's smut. and you KNOW I'm a coward who shan't ever post that#actually we'll be lucky if I'm not the same coward in real life too#it's only Dick and Vinny. they get rights. i don't care if anyone else has sex. I don't care if I have sex.#the one song I hope I don't have sex. I hope we both don't have sex. that's actually Vinny though.#I'm more sex favorable and sex positive than he could ever be#y'know this is a very 4am convo to have and actually how prepared am I for this to live in a pm afternoon time#welp. maybe I should stop being addicted to tags and letting loose all my secrets#I shan't grow I shan't do better and I shan't ever change. this is the da promise <3
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Recent misc pictures
#image 1 - sky of course.. beautiful clouds time. Image 2 - steak and scrambled eggs with a mushroom spinach sautee sort of thing#and an apple fritter (all cooked at home of course except for the apple fritter... still wishing I could ever get food out or have it made#for me so I don't have to do the effort of making it all myself.. it just tastes better sometimes when you're in a relaxed state eating#it rather than a 'just stood in the kitchen for 1hr' state lol). Image 3 - nice gray clouds with the sun through them.#Image 4 - 4 tiny gyoza type things with a tiny Diet Restriction Friendly size portion of iced coffee and a starshaped ice cube#Images 5 - 7 - these interesting flowers I came across whilst walking on a trail. I think the way they grow is cool. And that the buds of#them are so fluffy and such. Image 8 - 9 -- more stinky word counts... aughhh...... Trying to plan a full timeline of when#I might actually finish the game and I'm estimating currently like July 2025 as an insanely optimistic ideal and October 2025 as my very#late one. So likely somewhere in between. Or even later if something happens as things tend to do (computer explodes. etc)#Both are HOT months for oregon so I guess that's what started me off thinking and dwelling on the passage of time and the weather.. grrr#I wish I could be done with it tomorrow or something and then just relax and play sims all winter knowing my work is done lol#But I feel like the impending summer (as well as many other impending societally threatening things) give me too much urgency to be like#WAUGh i need to get this done NOWWW.. But I still wish I could relax and enjoy the winter a litttle. eugh... ANYWAY. I did finish the#discord for the game but I still don't know if I'll use that. I need to work more on the game itself and the itch.io page. But then also#I should probably talk about it or try to cultivate a small base of people (like a discord) who actually care about it and could become#future playtesters so I have that all ready well before the game actually is done so I needn't scramble at the last minute.. If I were#smart. and had social skills. and had energy (< has none of these things). So inevitably who knows if shall be able to muster any such feat#At least I'm getting like.. some words done.. some days. I am making progress. It's just never good enough considering the circumstances#(< looming instability and time passing in what feels like a very fast manner). ANYWAY.. lol... Image 10 - recent game of Price#Is Right Plinko Pegs my beloved game which I return to to play like maybe 2 rounds of once every 5 months... one day I shall win... Though#I'm incresingly uncertain if there even IS a last level. Or if its designed to go on forever/make you fail at a point to keep you playing..#Last two images - CLOUDS again. A very cloud heavy photo diary this time it seems lol#Also trying to: - post a few more costumes from drafts. - make new friend survey thing. - edit videos - make a sculpture. - set up#things to actually sell sculptures. - doctors appointments. - pack up things to possibly move before the summer to an apartment which#will still not have central AC but maybe at least is not west facing (so gets direct sun hottest part of the day and is a greenhouse)#Life is a constant revolving to do list with occasional sleep & looking at clouds in between.. (sigh)(pauses)(slightly more whimsical sigh)#photo diary
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I remember younger me thinking "one day I'm gonna have to be in a romantic relationship" and my immediate reaction to that thought was literally always this:
Like damn bro i really should have figured out that i was aro way sooner huh
#yeah i thought i would HAVE TO bc everyone was like one day you WILL fall in love and your first relationship is always messy and blah blah#and it was always the people qho had been in the most dreadful and toxic relationships who would tell me that#and like. now i know that not every single person in a romantic relationship is miserable because of it and all but still the thought of#being in a romantic relationship sounds like so so uncomfortable and bad#totally a personal preference ofc#but god. as a teen i was always like 'yeah I've kissed many times but never with someone i REALLY liked. so I've never enjoyed any kiss'#like boy you are allowed to not like kissing and choosing not to kiss others#and the only reason i was fixated for a while with losing my virginity was cause i saw it as checking something off a list#like. one day i will have to fall in love and be in a relationship and i want to be ready to do everything#i NEED to be prepared for it. i don't wanna be caught off guard#i was really like 'romantic partners expect sex. gotta be ready to do that and be good to keep them satisfied'#a very paranoid and ugly way of thinking. i know#but meh. better figure it out late than never right?#aro#ace#aroace#themetalbabygirl#istg if one of you little bastards that live in the void of tumblr comment 'ummm actually aro people CAN be in relationships' i WILL lose it#I'm not talking for every single fucker out there. I'm talking about my experience and my preferences
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Sailor Merope!!!
#crazy coconuts#my art#dnd#eddie#we need more sailor gaurdians that aren't size 00#i looked more at cosplayers than offical art (although like every other one. very much directly referred to an image for the pose + outfit-#but this was never supposed to be an exercise in pose or clothing. it was intentionally easy bc it was for fun)#(fair warning. long explanation incoming. also very little actual sailor moon knowledge)#ANYWAY merope is actually just a snappy version of what Im trying to say#which is def something to do with the pleiades (the dnd campaign is very christian. the associated love of 7. its the 7 sisters. you get it)#the pleiades especially work bc they fulfil sailor moon's love of space + greek myths/things in general#although. upon looking at the actual naming conventions most of the greek ones seem to be villains?#theres also whatever the animamates are doing#buuuut villains or not the ambiguity does sorta work bc i dont fully think we're being all that morally good in our dnd campaign#the stars in the pleiades themselves are named after their associated greek sisters too#anyway. merope was only specifically chosen bc she is often the “lost sister” so to speak#aka the explanation for why we can only generally see 6 of the brightest stars with the naked eye anymore#(the astrological explanation is that those things move! theyre movin right now! the 7 sisters are just that old of a story)#the missing sister thing is funny to me with my girl who would generally rather hide away forever#buuutt she was also the wife of sisyphus. which i could honestly explain away or ignore but its enough of a Thing#that i could see the other sisters working as well#but this explanation alone has had me sifting through astronomy websites and sailor moon wikis for over an hour#so i need to stop before i start looking into places to watch sailor moon#WAIT before I go. I would be embarrassed to not amend my previous statement about the missing sister#sometimes its electra! because she is distraught by the destruction of troy#very well could work better. but its too late. i have written so much. we must live with merope. gods know sisyphus didnt :}c
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i am not indulging my worst impulses but i sure do want to.
#i have. a tendency to feel angry/upset when help is offered 'too late'. as it were.#and it's not a good tendency and i'm aware of that and keep a lid on it#it's just very. like. it's very *something* to spend two years in a situation that everyone acknowledges sucks#and it's only after you hit a breaking point and go 'well maybe i should just leave. like maybe i don't have to finish grad school'#and start like actually making preparations to do so#for people to start going 'well we finally have work we need you for. here's what you need to graduate.'#'we can probably get this done in a little over a year'#and i know the right thing to do is figure out what i want and accept the help#and---frankly---probably tough it out and finish grad school#but my goodness i just want to shout and burn bridges#like. 'it's not good to linger too long in grad school' no fucking shit my guy. why haven't you done something about this before.#why hasn't *anyone* done something about this?#newsflash! i needed support and direction *the whole time*! and you all knew it and did nothing!#anyway this is very unprofessional of me and not doing any good. help is help and it's better now than never i guess.#i'm just very upset and it has nowhere to go
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Tell me how does it feel When your heart grows cold? How does it feel? How should I feel? Tell me how does it feel To treat me like you do?
#aliasedit#alias#irina derevko#julian sark#userthing#irina x sark#irina x khasinau#isplus#myedit#that sark/khasinau gif... the pure hatred in khasinau's eyes... INSANE.#khasinau feeling threatened by a 20 year old will NEVER not be funny. i mean he was right. he was literally right. right about everything.#he knew that irina was planning on killing him and that sark was counting on her to do it. knew that sark was on his way to replacing him.#knew that irina and sark were already making plans together - plans that did not involve him in any way.#and it's insane to think about how he probably watched sark grow up. probably knew him as a child.#probably didn't take him seriously - didn't see him as a threat - until it was too late.#and after he realized what was happening - he also realized how many chances he had to put a stop to it.#and how it wouldn't have mattered anyway. killing sark in his sleep when he was ten years old wouldn't have fixed anything.#irina would've just started all over again with someone else. because she had always intended to replace him with someone younger.#with someone who had no life before her. with someone EASILY impressed EASILY manipulated EASILY led.#the reason why she'd choose sark over khasinau - khasinau who she first met when she was eighteen;#khasinau who was her kgb superior; who followed her into the criminal world;#who chose her over his past over his family over his country over every single person in his life;#who stayed by her side in her shadow now content with following HER orders -#the ONLY reason the ONLY explanation possible is that she was there to follow sark's progress from the very beginning.#she was there when he saw a gun for the first time in his life. and she was there when he first killed someone.#she was there every step of the way. and she knows him better than he knows himself.#and she'd choose sark over khasinau because khasinau knows what it's like to have power over her and use that power against her.#and putting him in a situation where he might be tempted to again is unthinkable. he might remember what it's like - to have freedom.#sark doesn't want freedom from her. she made sure of it. surrendering to the cia when it's sark on the outside is a better option.#like who would you choose. someone you made from clay all by yourself or someone who used to control your life when you were eighteen.
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